The Likely Lads (1976) Movie Script

England, 1943.
The tide of war had turned.
The Axis forces fell in North Africa,
were defeated in Stalingrad
and gave way in Italy.
While somewhere in war-torn Britain,
Mrs Edith Collier capitulated
to the advances of
her husband, Corporal Cyril Collier who,
flushed with the news from
Tunis, and Newcastle Brown Ale,
wouldn't take no for an answer.
Cyril, at least wait till the all-clear.
What if we had to be rescued?
I mean it could be so undignified, pet.
Go on Edith.
The Blitz is playing
havoc with our ceiling.
Meanwhile, not many miles away,
Lance Bombardier Leslie Ferris
of an anti-aircraft coastal command unit
was bidding a fond farewell.
Oh, come on Alice, we are engaged.
Only since this morning.
But this is war.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Only for Catterick.
The bus might crash.
In war, our dearest, we must cling to
every precious moment.
Like Walter Pidgeon said
at the Regal last Friday.
Couldn't we at least
turn the search light out.
I wrote to our Cyril.
I said that's what he gets
for being drunk and careless
and trying to take my mind of an air-raid.
Eh, we're so close.
Must've been the same air-raid.
By, that Hitler's got
a lot to answer for.
Oh remember when we
thought we had forever
Didn't it make you feel secure
We used to think that we had forever
Now I'm not so sure
Daylight dreamers, midnight stealers
Minstrels on the run
City cowboys, live for now boys
Tomorrow's never gonna come
Last bus home, Saturday night
I walk you to your door
Tell me your name, I'll
never see you again
But I love you forever more
Charabanc, penny arcades,
Sad to be alone
Isn't it grand, holding hands
In the backseat riding home
Oh remember when we
thought we had forever
Didn't it make you feel secure
We used to think that we had forever
Now we're not so sure
The daylight dreamers,
midnight stealers
Minstrels on the run
City cowboys, live for now boys
Tomorrow's never gonna come
Tomorrow's never gonna come
I want me ball back.
Look I'll give you the money.
You can get yourself a new one tomorrow.
Loan us a quid Bob.
Don't want another
ball, I want that ball.
Well it's a bit
difficult now isn't it.
That ball's got Malcolm
Macdonald's autograph on it.
You kicked it up there.
Not on purpose!
I was only making a strong clearance.
Oh look, one of us'll
have to go and fetch it.
Up that drainpipe?
We did it often enough at their age.
Let one of them go then.
I'll tell me brother.
Shut up!
His brother's bigger than you.
I'll tell you what, fair's fair.
Which hand's it in?
That one.
Oh, hello Terry.
What roof?
Got to go, me dinner's ready.
Oh that's right, you just piss off.
Don't give a second
thought to him up there.
See you next Sunday.
Don't bank on it.
Suicide was it?
Might be later when he
gets home to the wife.
We've got better things to do
with the rate payer's money, lad.
I'm sorry, I just love me nerve.
Keeps your hands in doesn't it.
Better than spending all
afternoon polishing your bell.
Never grow up, some people.
Ah well.
Move yourself Ferris.
The hour of doom is at hand.
If Mrs Ferris calls, Wendy,
tell her I've gone to the North Road site.
All right Bob.
Where is actually you're going?
I'm going to the Fat Ox.
Middle of the day?
Not just any day Wendy.
Today's a very special day.
Tinged with poignancy and
regret for things past.
They're pulling the Fat Ox down.
Funeral you say?
Yes sir, old friend.
I'd just like to pay me last respects.
Well I could've done
with a bit of notice.
I've only just heard sir.
I'll just be adding a
bit to me lunch hour.
Go on then.
Thank you Mr Chipchase.
Who's died?
Part of me's died.
What's the matter with you?
I know how you feel kidder.
Oh yes?
Worse for you than for me.
I only spent my childhood here.
You've lived here all your life.
It's taken that long
to pull the bugger down.
It was condemned the year I was born.
Me dad used to say, we'll
not be in here long.
Only temporary, he said.
That's why we never
re-papered the front room.
You must feel some nostalgia though.
These streets are ugly but
they have a kind of beauty.
Working class sentiment
is an indulgence of
working class people who have cracked it
through football or rock and roll.
Or people like you who moved out
to the Elm Lodge housing estate
at the earliest opportunity.
Well, I didn't want my kids
brought up in these streets.
Oh Terry, Bob.
Yes please, the usual.
Is anything left?
There's one keg.
Well, it has to be drunk.
No no son, it's on the house.
Oh that's nice.
Isn't that nice.
What a nice gesture.
First time in 14 years.
Aye well.
Always kept a good drop did Joe.
Here you are lads.
There's a present for the two of you.
What is it?
The dartboard.
Oh Joe.
I know it's going to a good home.
It is.
When do these lads do they deed?
When we're dry.
That's it then.
Rest in peace.
I'll have the glasses back lads.
Certainly Joe.
You'll come and see us
in the new one, won't you.
Of course we will.
What's it like?
Bloody sight better than this one.
I mean, nobody cares!
Nobody really cares.
Nobody's moved by the occasion.
Well those residents are.
Moved to a high-rise.
Soulless concrete blocks.
What do you mean?
It's got a modern kitchen, a lovely view
and an inside lavatory.
These streets had poetry.
Well there's not much
poetry at four in the morning,
padding down the yard to
a freezing outside bog.
You missed my point
Terry, you missed my point.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna get a memento
from the old house.
A souvenir or something.
Hey lads, keep away
from there, it's not safe.
Not safe?
I was a baby when this street
was bombed by the Germans.
It didn't worry me then and
it's not gonna worry me now.
You told me you were a promotional
and merchandising executive
with a leading manufacturer.
So I am.
No you're not.
You just drive this thing.
Drop us off at the library,
I've gotta pick Thelma up.
You're in no fit state.
She'll know you've been with
me and I'll get the blame.
Terry, she's expecting me.
Nobody cares darling, nobody cares.
Don't you shush me!
I've just seen my past bulldozed away.
Do you see this brick.
- Bob!
- It's my house, darling.
It's survived the Blitz but not
the march of time.
- Bob.
You know what it means,
you understand my love,
don't you Thelma.
- Bob please!
It wasn't my fault
Thelma, it wasn't my fault.
Hello kidder.
I thought you played badminton on Sunday.
Not this Sunday,
Thelma's got bruised toes.
Oh dear.
I dropped a brick.
You're always dropping bricks, you.
This one was on her foot in the library.
Want some coffee?
I'd offer you a beer but
I've only got six cans.
No thanks.
I had some news this week.
The divorce came through.
How do you feel about it?
Same as I felt about
the street coming down.
There goes yesterday.
That street coming down really upset me
because it just reminded me
how much of the past is gone.
It's different for you with your divorce,
your new job, your flat.
Your changes are happening now.
My future's all bogged down.
Go on, you can have a beer if you like.
In the chocolate box of life
the top layer's already gone
and someone's pinched the
orange creme from the bottom.
Bloody hell!
Hey get away from there.
Leave them wing mirrors alone.
Oh God, the north
face of the Eiger again.
Does this lift never work?
What happens to old
ladies on the top floor
when it's broken down?
They stay in.
How long will your folks be in Canada?
I don't know.
My dad's thinking of
retiring there altogether.
He'll be back, he'll
miss the pub and the match
and the lads.
Not necessarily.
In his letter he said Canada
had been an eye opener.
He said if he'd known he
was gonna live so long
he'd have taken steps to get
out of this place years ago.
It's a new era, kidder.
Obviously is for you.
What did you say?
I said it obviously is for you.
Your bathroom is full of
female underwear and deodorant.
Is there something you want to tell me?
Do you want me to loan
you the fare to Denmark?
The articles in question
happened to belong to
a certain young lady.
Oh I see.
Are you?
Certainly, no bother.
Course you always had an
irresistible sexual magnetism.
True, but it's not just that.
What is it then, I'm dying to know.
Well once I've got 'em up here.
They're not gonna risk
leaving this dodgy area
after dark are they.
And knowing you there's
no way you're gonna
escort them home.
Course not.
Looking back, you know,
this is one stage in life I missed.
A flat on me own or with a mate.
I went straight from living with me mum
to living with me wife.
I by-passed that period of sexual excess
which you're so happily indulging in now.
But you're a happily married man Bob.
Oh don't get me wrong.
That's one thing I don't regret.
I wouldn't swap that for
your lifestyle for a minute.
I know you wouldn't.
'Cause what you've got is
more than what I've got
and I envy you for it.
You're lying.
So are you.
I know.
Bob where are our wing mirrors.
Oh God, not again.
That's the last time I'm going
round to Terry Collier's.
I just wish you meant that.
I don't see that much of him Thelma.
Those days are over.
Lots of things are over.
What is the matter with you Bob?
You've been moping all week.
I'm sorry.
I'm going through a very
depressed state recently.
I think maybe we should talk it through.
Oh pet we've got so much to get done.
Let's talk about it later
over a cup of tea, mm.
It'll keep won't it.
Oh it's not important Thelma.
I'm only questioning the
entire validity of my life.
I think I'm going through
what the psychiatrists call
an identity crisis.
Oh is that what Alan Pooley had.
No I think Alan just liked
dressing up in woman's clothes.
But you know who you are Bob
and you know where you're going.
Watch where you're going Bob.
We all have moments like this, you know.
When we were engaged, the first time,
there was a moment when I wanted to go off
and work for UNICEF in Morocco.
But it passed.
You chose me over Morocco.
I came to my senses Bob.
My gain was UNICEF's loss.
We have got each other.
I know, I know.
And we lead a full and
exciting life don't we.
Course we do pet.
Now I need a new dress
but first I think we
should go to the car wash
and then to the dry cleaner's, right.
Can I help you sir?
No no.
I'm with my wife.
I think I need a 10.
Oh, I'll look for one.
Hello kidder.
What on Earth are you doing here?
On my way to the match.
Is this a regular port of call
on the way to the match?
I just called in to see Chris.
The girl I'm knocking around with.
Which one's she?
Well I can't see her actually.
Still, no mad rush.
I've been here 20 minutes.
I don't think I can take much more.
I want every girl in this room.
Oh look at that.
She's not?
She's never yours.
She's beautiful.
Cut above.
That underwear in your bathroom.
Is that hers?
Most of it.
I'm with a customer.
I know pet.
I just popped in to say
I'll see you in the Swallow
at six o'clock.
- Oh.
Eh Miss, could you...
Oh I must go.
Oh, hello Terry.
Hello Thelma, pet.
She's foreign.
See you kidder.
Well, do you like it pet.
I think it's perfect for
Malcolm and Judy's party.
And it's practical too, you know.
I could even wear it for Ian's wedding.
And it isn't really expensive.
Not when you consider how well made it is.
What do you think Bob?
Bob, what do you think darling?
I couldn't give a shit.
Aye, something smells good.
It needs another 10 minutes.
Why don't you open the wine.
I get you screw cork.
Who the hell's that?
Perhaps the witness of Jehovah.
Not after what
I told them last time.
Hello Bob.
Hello kidder.
What's the matter with you?
Lift's broken isn't it.
Where were you?
Where was I what?
We were supposed to
meet at the Black Horse
at six o'clock.
Oh were we?
We have done every
Tuesday night for years.
Ah well, I'm sorry kidder.
That's all right.
Get your shoes on, I thought
we'd go and see Joe's new pub
and then go down the club later.
Well the thing is, I wasn't
intending going out tonight.
What do you mean?
We always go out Tuesday nights.
Aye well, Chris has
got this meal, you see
and, well, you know.
Oh I see, I see.
I see.
I'll wait then.
Well it's not just that.
We're having a night in.
Night in!
Oh, hello.
This is Bob, Chris.
You met briefly.
Yes of course, I meet your wife.
Does Bob stay for dinner?
Oh I don't wish to impose.
No of course you don't.
Anyway there's only enough for two.
Yes well, I don't like
leaving the car unattended.
When you've got to go you've got to go.
It was nice to meet you again.
You will say hello to
your wife when you see her.
Which will be sooner than I expected.
Hello darling.
What are you doing home so early?
This is my house, where
I live, where I return
at the end of the day.
Not on Tuesday Bob.
It's boys' night out.
Is it so wrong to want to come home
to see one's wife.
Oh darling.
You know I go to badminton on Tuesday
and have a meal afterwards with the girls.
Have you eaten?
Found a frozen lasagna in the fridge.
It should be defrosted soon.
But you're never home before one
after a night out with Terry.
What time did you get home?
About ten past seven.
Is Terry ill?
No, he just wanted a quiet night in.
A candlelit dinner for two.
Terry preferred to be with that Chris
to boys' night out.
Mind you, I thought she
seemed a very nice girl.
Very friendly, for a foreigner.
We've never missed a
Tuesday night in years.
Apart from our honeymoon.
She must have quite a hold on Terry.
Probably at this very moment.
Oh Bob.
Perhaps we could ask Terry and Chris
round to the badminton club one evening.
- Oh!
- Terry.
Oh hello Bob.
Chris is working late, you see,
so I was just.
Yeah, me too.
I quite enjoy shopping.
I've never done it before.
Hey, do you know where I
can find tarragon vinegar.
Sauces and condiments, aisle 13.
What's for tonight?
Another candlelit supper for two.
She'd gone to a lot of trouble.
Please, I don't mind.
Did me good getting an early night.
Me and all.
Yes, you obviously know what
side your bread's buttered.
- Butter.
- Aisle nine.
Did you find the rip and wrap Bob.
Oh, hello Terry.
Hello Thelma, pet.
How are you?
Very well, thank you very much.
How's Chris?
Are you two, I mean, are things.
Fine thank you.
She seems a very nice
girl, I was just saying,
wasn't I Bob, what a nice girl she seems.
Very friendly.
Ah well, she might not be so friendly
if I don't get this lot back.
It's nice to see you.
So long Bob.
Well what.
What a transformation.
It's quite obvious who's got the whip hand
in that relationship.
How do you mean?
When you see the man
spending his evening
doing the shopping.
Now come along Bob, where's mango chutney.
Aisle seven.
Pickles and relishes.
You seen much of the area Chris?
Has Terry been showing you around.
I've shown her the brewery
and the football ground.
I've seen very little
of England since I arrive.
Well people in the south don't realise
how lucky we are up here.
I mean, I know the city
itself is a bit grimy
but outside we're surrounded
by breathtaking grandeur,
aren't we Bob.
Oh breathtaking, yes.
And for a young couple, well,
there's so many amenities.
Bob and I are always saying
what a full and exciting life
we lead, aren't we darling.
Yes, we're always saying that.
Well shall we have some coffee.
Would you like me to give you a hand?
No no no no, you boys stay here.
Chris and I'll manage.
Excuse us.
She's a very nice girl, Chris.
What, oh yeah.
Curious that she's foreign.
Like your wife was.
My wife was German.
Chris is Finnish.
There is a world of difference.
Only the Baltic.
Canny evening though Bob.
Can't you see what Thelma's up to.
This is all part of her new strategy.
What do you mean?
Well you're still a threat, aren't you.
A link with my past, and freedom.
I'm very unsettled these days
so the best solution all
round is to get you involved.
Hitched up.
Pigeon-holed like the rest of us.
Filed under M for marriage, case closed.
Look mate, I've just come
out of one tragic marriage.
I'm not gonna get hitched up again.
But you're involved, aren't you.
You're behaving very out of character.
Normally your attitude
to women's very clearcut.
You're selfish, thoughtless
and a typically northern
male chauvinist pig.
It's what I do well.
Well you're losing your touch.
I'm just trying to warn you.
In the ensuing weeks
they'll be a succession of
suggested activities
involving the four of us.
Poor Bob, there's no
need for you to get upset.
There's nothing here that I can't handle.
Good lad.
We've just had the most wonderful idea.
Why don't the four of us go away together
for a long weekend?
We could take my father's caravan.
Yes well it's a lovely
thought Thelma but, you know,
I've never been at home in the country.
I've always had a deep mistrust of nature.
Oh but it would be so good for me
to see something of England at last.
We'll talk it over later shall we.
Here you are pet.
- Where shall I?
- Now you go in
the back Christina,
- Thank you.
- and I'll go in the front.
The weather forecast
says scattered showers.
My horoscope is ominous, as is yours.
Oh, might not be too bad.
I was relying on you
to get us out of this.
She can be very persuasive, that Chris.
What did she use, birch twigs?
Listen Bob.
Sometimes, in the chocolate box of life,
it is necessary to give up the marzipan
in order to keep the
peppermint cream for yourself.
Bloody hell.
Anyone want a treacle toffee?
Not for me thanks, I
must watch my figure.
- Oh.
- It's a figure
worth watching pet.
Where do you want me to stop?
Oh somewhere scenic, hmm.
Not much for Chris is it.
I wanted to show her the glories
of the English countryside.
All you can see is other caravans.
I can see a telegraph pole through here.
And the bumper of a black Ford Zephyr.
Look it's not my fault.
You've got to stop at the
official sites or a lay-by
and there's nothing very
scenic about a lay-by.
Do you know, I'm sure the
cutlery must be in this drawer
but I can't seem to get it open.
Here let me see.
Sorry Chris, was that your foot.
Careful Bob.
Bob why don't we just get
out of the girls' way, eh.
Where is the crockery?
Why do not these two
just get out of the way?
Yes I suppose so, then we
can get on with the meal.
Yes, we'll just go
down to the local and...
Bring back some wine.
Well don't be too long.
This field princess only
has to be heated up.
Where are the crockery?
All right then, we'll
get out of their way.
There are the cutlery.
Could've had another swift half.
Ah better get back.
Don't want your Thelma's veal
whatsit to get cold, do we.
My God, you sound like me.
Do I?
Well you're certainly not yourself.
Might as well get the
weekend off on the right foot.
Well they'll be chuffed
to see us back so soon.
Hmm, it's perfect.
Hey Bob.
Can you remember where our caravan was?
I think I recognise that Volvo.
We were near a black Zephyr.
There was a dog, an Airedale,
standing outside the caravan next to ours.
Do you think it'll still
be there rooted to the spot?
Look don't get nark with me mate,
just 'cause you lost our way.
Listen, you're the ex bloody boy scout.
Can't you take a bearing from the moon
or find a spore or something.
Oh, I seem to have
left my compass at home.
How careless of me!
Well it's ruined.
It's completely ruined.
Yes darling, where are you?
I'm here!
Where the hell's here?
I would've liked so much
to see the Holy Island.
I'd have liked you
to have seen it Chris.
Look you can only get
to it when the tide's out.
Bob and I can't control the tide.
If you and Bob had
got up a little earlier
we'd have caught the tide.
But then we'd have been cut-off.
I did so want you to see Holy Island.
Oh I didn't know you
wanted to be marooned.
I mean if you'd said, let's go away
and get marooned for the
weekend, we could've made plans.
Oh don't be so childish Bob.
And why are we in this lane?
It's not easy with a caravan behind you
and no wing mirrors.
They haven't gone again.
When we picked up Terry and Chris.
I said we shouldn't go for coffee.
Bloody hell.
Here, you will need these.
What for?
We hike.
We what?
To see Roman wall.
I must see Roman wall.
Well it's just a wall,
woman, an old wall.
There's no point in hiking
across miles of desolate moor
just for a glimpse of an old wall.
Terry, so far I see nothing.
We miss Holy Island because
last night you two come home
drunk as the skunks.
We simply drank that wine
to keep the chill out of our bones.
Best way to keep chill
out of bones is to hike.
Eh, fancy being a Roman
soldier and getting posted here.
Must've been the worst
posting in the Roman army.
I bet some poor centurion,
thinks he might get Carthage
or sunny Sparta.
He ends up with Northumbria.
Nothing to do but rape and pillage.
I don't suppose there's much rape up here,
too cold to drop your trousers.
Only a joke, only a joke.
Thank you.
Oh where have they got to?
We've got better things
to do than sit here
in this scruffy little cafe.
Have we?
I thought we might go
and see Hermiston Castle.
Oh God, not another draughty castle.
You do realise Mary Queen
of Scots stayed there.
Must've frozen her knackers off.
Oh, we were getting worried about you.
Oh it was so wonderful,
we walked for miles.
The air is so good for the complexion.
You should see Terry, he has
such colour in his cheeks.
You do realise that was
the master's bid, partner.
It was a daft card, mate,
you should've trumped in.
I'll trump you in a minute.
Oh don't get annoyed Terry.
If you want to learn.
I don't want to learn, not bridge.
Why can't we play three
card brag or pontoon?
It can be a great social asset, bridge.
I always had this fear of being on a
slow boat to somewhere.
One of those tramp steamers
in the Indian Ocean.
There's Ava Gardner, Wilfred Hyde-White,
me and a man in dark glasses with one arm
who got on at Tangier.
Four strangers thrown
together by a whim of fate.
And I was the only one
who couldn't play bridge.
I'd be an outcast.
Spend my nights pacing the poop deck.
Their laughter and jollity
taunting me through the porthole.
And by the time we reach Madagascar,
Ava would belong to
the one-armed stranger.
Bit of a blow that.
Finding the one you love
in the arm of another.
How did he shuffle?
How did he shuffle with only one arm?
Well I don't know, do I
know, not being in the cabin
with the others.
Two all with six doubles,
that's 400 points to us.
It's your deal Bob.
Yes, well I have to pace the poop deck.
I can hear that jollity
through the porthole.
I apologise.
I'm so embarrassed.
Please, it's the first time all night
I've known what he's got in his hand.
Bob, Bob!
Come here man, quickly.
Easy now Terry.
If they sense your fear
they go for the throat.
Come off it man.
Go on, oi, oi,
move 'em on, move 'em out.
This is how Clint Eastwood started.
Oi oi.
I've always had a deep mistrust of cows.
Cows and snakes and grasshoppers.
What you doing, anyhow,
in a field at dawn?
Well what do you think I'm
doing, picking mushrooms.
Well you wanted to come.
You wanted to sample the
delights of domestic bliss.
In the chocolate box of life
you can't have your marzipan
and eat it.
Have you ever seen anybody
change as much as that Chris?
Aye, well, she does seem
to be a bit the outdoor type.
A bit?!
I come away with a sexy
girl from a boutique
and what do I end up with.
Sherpa bloody Tenzing.
She does exercises first
thing in the morning
and last thing at night.
Oh I thought that was you and her...
No, no chance mate.
That was her doing her pushups.
It's gonna be
another terrible day.
I can barely walk.
Just to go home
and get into a hot bath.
Why don't we?
- What?
- Go home.
The girls are still asleep.
Well that's the point, we can
just hitch up and head home.
We can't do that.
Can we?
Don't slam the door.
We won't half get some
stick when they find out.
When we get stick at
least we'll be in the warmth
of your garage.
We'll be back in time for a drink.
Watch the box this afternoon.
Early to bed.
That's what a weekend should be.
Sport, sleep, slippers and sex.
Not necessarily in that order.
Hey look at that.
Isn't that typical.
The lure of Sod.
You only see girl hitchhikers
when you've got the wife with you.
Not bad either.
Not bad at all.
Mind you my wife
isn't really with me is she.
In tow though.
Still, out of sight, out of mind.
Good thinking Robert.
Look over there.
They're coming back.
Can we be of assistance girls?
Treacle toffee girls?
Oh thank you.
Where have you been?
Edinburgh, Sandy's got an aunt there.
She's Sandy, I'm Glenys.
I'm Bob, this is Terry.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I envy you.
It's what I'd like to do.
On the road, just a blanket
roll and a harmonica.
Thumbing me way around the world.
Aye, me an' all.
Wouldn't you miss your sex and slippers?
You're taking a bit
of a chance aren't you?
How do you mean?
Letting a couple of fellas pick you up.
I mean we could be anybody.
When you've been
hitching as long as we have
you get to know the danger signals.
Oh don't we have any
danger signals then.
Not when you're towing a caravan.
You don't know what we've got
in the back of that caravan.
For God's sake, don't tell them.
Oh hello.
The boys are up early.
That's unusual.
I must spend a penny.
All I know is I've got to go,
and if you've got to go you've got to.
Well I would if you wouldn't.
Oh I would, I would.
Which one?
Not fussy.
Go on, go on.
All right then.
Which one's Glenys?
The one behind you.
Oh I fancied her.
All right then, you
have her, you have her.
It's all academic though isn't it.
Sorting out who's gonna
have Sandy and Glenys
You'd better see how they are.
I want the stamps, mind,
and the tropical tumbler.
Thelma dearest.
Terry, Terry they've gone.
Who's gone?
Thelma and Chris, they've disappeared.
Don't be daft.
Can't disappear.
The door's open.
They've fallen out.
Ah, well don't be greedy lads.
You've still got Sandy and Glenys.
- Oi stop.
- Where you going?
Hey stop!
They've gone off
and left us.
- Hey, what we gonna do!
Are you going south?
Yeah, why.
I wonder if you could help me.
You see, I've got two young
ladies here in trouble.
You don't care do you?
It's a judgement on us
for you picking up them hitchhikers.
It was your idea.
I'll never forgive myself.
Nor will Thelma.
I won't forgive him for this.
I've never been so embarrassed...
In all my life.
In front of all those people.
And the Boys' Brigade.
That vicar.
You'd never believe it to
look at him, would you.
It must've been that
steep hill, remember.
Miles back.
I can't see how they
could've slithered out of bed
then out the door.
Not both of them.
They could've rolled
down that steep hill.
They'll be lying there
bleeding and bruised
on the hard shoulder.
There they are.
What's he keep bleeping about?
Go on, get past, get past me.
There's our caravan.
Stop, stop!
That's everything.
I said that's everything.
Oh don't unpack darling,
I'll take care of that.
Then I want to do all those
jobs I've been putting off
for the last two years.
There's that window frame.
And the garden needs some attention.
Oh look, I know it was
your father's caravan
but you don't have to
go on and on about it.
My insurance will cover that.
Look I'm the one who's suffering.
I'm the one who'll go to court.
I'm the one who got the
lump on the head, remember.
Who hasn't complained about
blinding headaches and nausea
and dizzy spells.
Who might collapse in a couple
of days with delayed shock
and loss of vision.
Oh shut up!
Look there's no need
for you to get upset.
It was my head that hit the windscreen.
I'm the one with the lump.
I learned much this weekend Terry.
It has been, how you say in
English, an eyesore for me.
Eye opener.
Oh if you say so.
Oh come on man, it's not that drastic.
I think I understand you Terry.
It is better I'm not here.
You can call me.
Oh Chris I can't stand
saying goodbye like this.
You really mean that?
Yeah, you finish packed
and I'm going round the pub.
Hey watch it!
Oh rats!
I must go soon.
I don't want to be here
when Terry gets back.
It's good of you to
have talked to me Chris.
I appreciate that.
And the wine and the ham sandwich.
What about Thelma, do
you not go home to her.
No I'm not getting breathalysed
on top of everything else.
Oh you are so tired.
I'd put you up.
You've put up with me long enough.
No, I not mean with.
I mean, I up put you.
No no, I don't want to put you out.
I'm not put out.
You are nice person, you
come to bed and I put you up.
Chris, please.
Is this wise?
Two lonely people, ships
that pass in the night.
Don't be silly.
I mean you sleep here.
Should I ring Thelma?
Yes, yes, perhaps you better.
What should I tell her?
Tell her I left the
money for the cleaning lady
in my Coronation mug.
Is that all?
Tell her I tried.
God knows I tried.
Oh I'm sorry.
Hello Mr Collier.
It's young Marcia isn't it?
Shouldn't you be in bed.
We'd rather be, but me dad's in.
That's why we're in the lift.
Yes well, if you don't mind I just...
It's out of order.
Yes well, I need the exercise.
Ah pet.
You stayed after all did you.
I didn't make you.
Just you remember that.
It was your decision.
Now you're here eh.
I saw that young Marcia
from 14B in the lift.
Aye, she hasn't half shot up.
Oh the sheets are cold.
You've got nice warm feet though.
Aw come on Chris.
Best part of having a row is making up.
I want you.
I need you.
And I need you Thelma.
- Eh?
- Thelma?
- What?
- Oh, oh get off.
Oh my God.
Hey, get away from
there you little buggers.
Go on!
Morning Tommy.
- Morning Terry.
- Cancel the yoghourt.
Oh dear, madam's gone has she.
Afraid so.
Do you need both pints?
Aye, got another house guest now.
Where's the Eno's?
She's not as pretty
as that last one is she.
Did you sleep all right?
No I didn't sleep a wink.
I had a very restless night.
Did Thelma call?
Are you sure?
We haven't got a phone.
Same sort of thing happened
to me when I was married.
Weekend away, not in a caravan mind.
It was in a barge up the Rhine.
Or down the Rhine, I can't remember which.
The same sort of problems came to light,
with the proximity, you know.
Habits of a lifetime being
questioned by somebody else.
Little things like smoking in bed or
gargling the Happy Wanderer.
Used to get on her nerves.
No more than it got on my nerves mind.
Seeing her in her Carmen rollers
whistling the Horst Wessel.
I knew then it couldn't last.
How long had you been
married when this happened?
Two days, we were on our honeymoon.
Well perhaps you were just
not meant to be a couple.
Maybe it's a good job
I found out at last.
Pity you had to find out at
the expense of my marriage.
Well well,
that's just one of life's
bitter ironies Bob.
I suffer a lot from those.
Will you be back tonight?
I suppose so, it just depends.
Some time today I'll
drive over and see Thelma.
I doubt it.
Hello Terry.
Hello, em...
- Iris.
- Iris, right.
Chris is out to lunch.
Oh she left a few things.
Would you give 'em to her?
Of course.
I'm sorry like.
But you know what they say.
Time's a great healer.
Aye, so I've heard.
What you doing tonight Iris?
Sorry Marcia.
Terry are you in?
I brought some food in.
Is there any beer in the house?
Oh good.
I've brought you a treat.
I'll put it in the oven.
Morning kidder.
Extra pint?
- No.
Oh, good morning.
Any tea going is there?
It's there if you want it.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
So much for bouncing back.
Who was she?
Canny looking girl.
I didn't see her face.
I saw precious little of
her after you barged in.
Did you have to take her home then?
Well I put my slippers on
and walked her to the bus stop.
Eh my God.
Well as far as women are concerned
you're hardly Omar Sharif are you.
If Omar Sharif lived in Gateshead
I doubt if he'd be Omar Sharif.
Say it with flowers is it.
Well have you spoken to Bob?
No Audrey.
Well he came round when I was at work.
He left some money, a note
regretting life's bitter ironies
and some mangled flower stalks.
Well perhaps he was
trying to be symbolic.
I mean I've no idea.
Well the only thing
that worries me, Thelma,
is that he's staying with my brother.
Now that can't help.
In all fairness, Audrey, it's
not entirely Terry's fault.
Not this time.
Bob's been very strange lately.
I think he's going
through a change of life.
- Ooh.
- Hmm.
Well, perhaps it's just
something he has to get
out of his system.
- What?
Look at the cost of mandarin oranges.
They've gone up 3p since last week.
Well everything has.
I'm paying almost double what
I used to for Bob's yoghourt.
Well you won't have to this week love.
Oh I'm sorry Thelma.
Oh it's all right.
I'm just being silly.
I don't know what's
the matter with you Bob.
You're one of nature's married men.
Marriage isn't like those
commercials on television
is it Aud.
Why can't Thelma and I run
hand in hand, in slow motion,
through the long grass on
the way to the gas showrooms.
Ads aren't life, Bob,
they're make believe.
Oh marriage!
Is it just too much to hope
that one could have some
magic in one's marriage.
- Some what?
- Magic.
Well if it's magic you're after
we'll go round to Thelma's now.
Lay her on the kitchen table
and you can saw her in half.
Oh Terry!
There's nothing wrong with Bob's marriage
that your emigration wouldn't put right.
It's not me, it's him.
Mind you, I know how he feels.
One day a little voice inside says
maybe there's more to life
than this, and something snaps.
That's what's happened to Bob.
It happened to the Reverend
Jeffcock, look at him.
Years of devoted service
and suddenly he runs off
with a petrol pump attendant.
Took all their Green Shield stamps
and bought a catamaran.
Well we all feel restless at times
but we just have to accept
our responsibilities.
Gaugain didn't.
He was in his 40s when
he just jacked it in
and went off to some island
to paint primitive nudes.
Oh, well, he was off
his rocker wasn't he.
I mean he cut his ear off.
That was Van Gogh.
Well there you are, there's another one.
Thelma, I've just had Bob round here.
Abject pet.
Look Thelma, I know
it's none of my business
but one of you's got to make a move.
Despite what they say, a
marriage is worth fighting for.
I'll clear up love, don't worry.
Oh go back to sleep you drunken pig.
We're ever so near the house.
Let's go and see Thelma.
If you think it'll do any good.
I do.
I think I'm learning about myself.
I don't know what I want but
I want her to be part of it.
I think.
Mind you, I don't know
how's she gonna take
going off to some primitive
island while you paint nudes.
Thelma's been out all night.
She's been out all night.
- Who?
- Thelma you fool.
She's not here.
Don't you realise what that means.
She's been out all night.
Resume yoghourt.
On a day like today
All my troubles seemed to float away
On a lovely day like today
I'm so happy to be in love
On a lovely day
Not funny.
Your choice of music, not funny at all.
It's not for your benefit mate.
It's for the ladies of the
Elm Lodge housing estate.
One of which is my wife.
Only she's proved that she's no lady.
Oh maybe it's perfectly innocent.
Maybe she was playing in a
tournament at the badminton club.
Till seven in the morning?
Could've been a tie-breaker.
Nobody cares.
Oh on a lovely day like today
I'm so happy to be in love
Don't you well me!
I'll well you as much as I like.
It's quite obvious where
you two were last night.
Never mind about that,
where were you last night.
I know now what all your
restlessness is about.
I can say it in three letters.
You must think I was born yesterday Bob.
The makers of Extralite
invite you to a demonstration
showing the powerful prowess
of their new improved washing powder.
Into the hot, into the cold,
into the light, shining bright,
up to your nose, fresh as a rose.
Do you mind Terry, we'd
just like to be alone
for a few moments.
Things have to be said.
Be my guest.
Hello Thelma.
I don't know why you brought me in here.
What I have to say to you won't take long.
I merely think we should
discuss things in private.
Let's not exhibit our domestic tantrums
to the entire Elm Lodge housing estate.
I'm not having a tantrum.
I'm perfectly calm.
You often are when in shock.
It's me that was in shock.
Where were you all last night?
And don't tell me at your mother's
'cause I know they're in London
for the building exhibition.
- Ah Bob...
- Get out.
- But, um...
- Get out.
All right, suit yourself.
You haven't answered my question.
But you haven't answered my question.
What was your question?
Where were you last night?
That was my question!
You were not home last night.
You were out all night.
As were you.
It's so easy for you.
It's the answer to all your problems.
Look up the lads and go on the pull.
Isn't that the expression.
Well a woman can't do that.
Just go out and pick out
something she fancies
for a casual night of shame.
Well not this woman anyway.
This woman's foolish enough
to want to keep her love
for her husband.
Oh bollocks.
Shame on you!
I know it's slightly academic now
but that was the biggest
turnout we ever had.
Is that the only aspect
of this ghastly affair
you can think about?
Your bloody Extralite sales.
I lost my job you know,
thanks to Radio Free Ferris.
Oh yes, I'm sorry.
You lost your job.
I lost my direction in life.
Well so have I.
It's not so bad for you though.
Oh yes it is.
Why do you always assume
the exclusive right
to be miserable?
You're so selfish you.
Don't you think I'm entitled
to wallow in self-pity
for a change?
I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me.
Aye well.
I don't know if this is
the answer, running away.
Maybe I should take our
Audrey's advice and emigrate.
In the meantime, at least
you can console yourself
with a succession of Iris's
in your high-rise haven.
Those days are over kid.
My folks are back next Tuesday.
Well where am I gonna go?
I can't go back to Thelma's, not now.
Well go to your mother's.
Oh she's let my room
to that Zambian dentist.
If she kicks him out
he'll have her in front of
the Race Relations Board.
I have the feeling that we're
the last two men on Earth.
Shall we go on the beach?
It's too cold.
We'll go to the pictures?
Cinema's closed.
They're twinning it.
How about the ice rink?
Doesn't open till Easter.
I noticed a church hall back there.
The senior citizens are
having a bring and buy.
Something to keep up our sleeve.
We used to have great
times here when we were kids.
Standing on the waltzer,
eyeing up all the talent
from the coach trips.
We had no bother did we.
Not much.
Didn't have to take
them out to dinner either
to get our evil way.
Candy floss was enough.
You don't offer
them much more now.
Oh there must be some spare here.
Even in the winter.
I know, let's go to Boots the Chemist.
Lots of girl work there.
No point.
It's early closing day.
How about that one?
Doesn't look too bad.
This'll do.
Why don't we just go home?
We're on holiday man.
Don't worry, we'll have a
bath and then get out tonight.
Where will we go?
We've seen enough of this place to know
there's sod all to do.
Let's go home.
What possible attraction
could this place offer us?
Can I help you?
Er we're just wondering,
have you any vacancies?
My God, you steamed in fast enough.
Have you got a room?
My name's Bob, what time do you finish.
Would you like to show a
lonely stranger round the town.
I still know how to do it.
All those years of
training on the waltzer.
And what am I supposed to do?
Sit here till you get back.
All shagged out and
guilt-ridden, 'cause you will be,
I know you.
God you're a bad loser.
It's not that.
You're a married man, Bob.
Adultery won't suit you.
You won't be able to sleep
and your hay-fever will come back.
Thelma has assumed that
I'm having elicit nookie.
So I may as well have it.
You might at least have
asked if she had a friend.
Don't wait up pet.
You dirty rotten filthy.
Lucky swine.
What's the matter, you
forgotten your packet of thread.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry, I thought you were.
I brought you some towels.
I'm Noel Windsor.
I've believe you've met my daughter Dawn.
Oh I see.
Yes, um, Terry Collier.
Shall I turn down your bed?
Feel free.
I can't get it off.
Will you do it for me?
All right.
They do save lives, seat-belts.
Perhaps I should've
kept my safety belt on.
You're quite safe in my hands.
I'll bet.
Let's go inside.
What about your mam?
We mustn't make a noise, must we.
Do you want me?
What's the matter?
Oh, have you got a coat hanger.
You can't stay all night
'cause if my mother
finds you she'll kill me.
Are you nearly ready?
Who were you talking to in there?
No one!
I know there's someone with you.
I was playing a record.
Why is this door locked?
You open this door at once.
Be ashamed of yourself.
At your age.
I could have sworn there was.
Oh I'm sorry pet.
But ever since that business
with the cosmetics rep.
What sort of a girl do
you think I am mother?
I've said I'm sorry pet.
I worry.
At your age.
Night night.
Oh it's such a worry
when they're that age.
And in these permissive days.
I'm the one that has to worry
about her moral welfare.
Can't be easy.
I thought she had that
friend of yours in her room.
She didn't?
No, no.
He didn't then.
No no no, I was just saying,
you've got no worries with him.
You, on the other hand.
Jumping Jack Flash.
You could trust me with your daughter.
Don't be daft.
You're only here so as I
can keep an eye on you.
Romeo, Romeo.
Where art thou Romeo?
I'm here, in the bloody flower bed.
I'll let you in the front in a minute.
Mother, who's in there.
Don't be silly Dawn, go to your bed.
Why is this door locked then?
You've got someone in there.
Dawn, go to your room.
And Uncle's only been
back at sea two days.
You've no right to talk
to your mother like that.
Wouldn't be the first time.
What about that man that came
to convert us to natural gas.
Please yourself.
I'm sorry too love.
Good night then.
Good night.
You do trust me really, don't you Mum.
Of course.
Quickly pet, quickly!
You might've told
me there's a rose bush
under your window.
How dare you!
You stuser.
You molester of defenceless teenage girls.
Get out of my house.
Of course, I'll just...
Out, out, before I call the police.
Madam, please, gladly.
My trousers.
God almighty!
- Run, run, run.
- I haven't got.
Never mind, come on.
What's going on down there?
The keys.
I haven't got the keys.
Well haven't you got a
spare in the glove whatsit.
The door's locked.
Then smash the window.
Smash the, I've just done a
respray and four new wheels.
You know what they do around here
to trouser-less rapists, don't you.
Go on man, go on!
Oh, this one wasn't locked.
You wanna be more careful.
Well the bed's not been slept in,
I don't know where they are.
Oh perhaps they've gone away somewhere.
I know Bob wants to find himself.
Who with though?
Now I'm not jumping
to any more conclusions.
If only I'd given Bob
the benefit of the doubt.
Why don't we have a nice cup of tea?
I'll put kettle on.
And I'll clear this place up a bit.
Oh, sorry Marcia.
Hey he didn't see you, did he.
He's not bothered, he hasn't got his on.
That's them.
We've made it.
Now Thelma, hold your horses.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Don't assume things on
the flimsiest of evidence.
We can explain.
Can't we.
Not really Bob.
You haven't.
I have.
You've signed on?
She sails at the end of the week.
Where to?
It doesn't matter.
How do you mean it doesn't matter?
Well it's going somewhere isn't it.
I'm going nowhere here.
My life adds up to nothing.
I've achieved nothing
and I've learned nothing.
If I die tomorrow do
you know what I'd have
carved on my tombstone.
None the bloody wiser.
At least this'll give me a
chance to sort myself out.
See a bit of the world at the same time.
You know, I've always liked the docks.
My grandad used to bring
me here when I was a kid.
Everybody around here's
got the sea in his blood.
I know that mate.
You're such a rotten sailor.
Who is?
You, you get sick on the
Municipal boating lake.
I think it's a wonderful gesture.
Thelma, please, I'm
not making any gestures.
It just seemed like a good idea.
You'll be here, face another
terrible north east winter.
With rail strikes and power cuts.
And I'll be in exotic places
like Barbarisso and Bombay.
Well of course we've all
got a bit of wanderlust in us.
Not many people know this,
but I once very nearly
went to Morocco.
With UNICEF, yes.
It's a good job you didn't.
I mean for Bob's sake.
Well good luck Terry.
Ready then?
Yes, yes, just saying
our fond farewells.
I'll wait then, I'll run you down there.
I won't wait up pet.
This time tomorrow, England
will be a blur on the horizon.
This time tomorrow
everything will be a blur.
I hope you find whatever
it is you're looking for Bob.
At the moment I'm looking
for the other bottle.
It's under there.
Behind you.
Oh yeah, lovely.
I meant in life.
I used to think I had forever Terry.
But now I'm not so sure.
I know what you mean.
Someone said that, not me.
I could've sworn you said it.
Just now.
I did.
No I mean, it's a quotation.
It's very apt though Bob.
Dirty British coaster with
a salt-caked smoke stalk.
It's a poem.
This ship reminded me of it.
She's not British, she's Liberian.
Oh, sailing under a flag of convenience.
It's appropriate.
She smells like a convenience.
Butting through the Channel
in the mad March days.
Another poem?
Same one.
Don't you remember recitation
at school with Miss Hindmarsh?
I can't stand poetry.
I was put off it at an early age.
Only poem I ever wrote, I
was given a good hiding for.
Shouldn't have written
it on the lavatory wall.
It was all it was fit for.
God, we go all the way
back to Miss Hindmarsh.
And beyond.
Do you remember our gang?
Building a bonfire on
your dad's allotment.
We were all lads.
Except for little Deirdre Birchwood
who so wanted to play with us.
And you said all right,
you can be Joan of Arc.
Happy days.
Then when we were Robin
Hood and his Merry Men
she was Maid Marian.
Who was Robin?
We all took turns.
Except you.
You were always the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Was I?
So you could torture Maid Marian.
Aye, she was always a
glutton for punishment,
that Deirdre.
I envy you.
I should've done this years ago.
Made the move.
Seen something of the world.
Now I never will.
Oh you might, you never can tell.
It can happen any time.
Like you said about Gaugain and Van thing.
And the Reverend Jeffcock.
I'll keep my eye out for
him on his catamaran.
I'll miss you kid.
I said I'll miss you.
Well I'll miss you an' all.
Without you my life
will probably slip into
a steady routine of
contentment and happiness.
Don't worry kidder, I'll be
back to cock it up for you.
Good lad.
Can you see him?
Can you see your Uncle Terry?
I can.
He's over there Mam.
What are you doing?
Isn't that your boat.
It was.
I couldn't go through with it.
Felt homesick, even before I left home.
And sea-sick even before I left the quay.
Well you might have told me
I've been up since the crack of dawn.
And the kids are so looking
forward to seeing you off.
Oh I'm sorry I disappointed them.
Back from the sea.
Two hours before the mast.
But where's Bob?
He hasn't been home all night.
Bob come back!
I don't believe it.
Well Terry, do something.
Stop that ship.
Don't panic Thelma.
They'll realise he's on board by mistake
and drop him off at
the first port of call.
Well where's the first port of call?
Oh remember when we
thought we had forever
Didn't it make you feel secure
We used to think that we had forever
Now I'm not so sure
Daylight dreamers, midnight stealers
Minstrels on the run
City cowboys, live for now boys
Tomorrow's never gonna come
Last bus home, Saturday night
I'll walk you to your door
Tell me your name, I'll
never see you again
But I love you forever more
Charabanc, penny arcades,
it's sad to be alone
Isn't it grand, holding hands
In the backseat driving home
Oh remember when we
thought we had forever
Didn't it make you feel secure
We used to think that we had forever
Now we're not so sure
The daylight dreamers,
midnight stealers
Minstrels on the run
City cowboys, live for now boys
Tomorrow's never gonna come