The Lonely Guy (1984) Movie Script

When life was just
empty rooms
For company
I talked to the moon
I danced along
to my own song
That no one could hear
When nights were silent
and dark
I'd lie in shadows
stare at the stars
The quiet voice
that lifted my heart
Was always so clear
It told me
The chance for love
comes without warning
So don't stop
looking for it
Yeah, love comes
without warning
So be ready for love
Yours are the eyes
I have spent my life
looking for
If they're not
telling lies
You were looking for me
I want to tell everyone
Who's waiting in the dark
for the sun
Before your chance
in life is gone
You'll be in the light
The chance for love
comes without warning
So don't stop
looking for it
Yeah, love comes
without warning
So be ready for love
This film is dedicated
to lonely guys everywhere.
Lonely guys have been with us
since the beginning of time.
There's one there.
Poor guy.
Another New Years Eve
alone in the cave.
Even a thousand years
from now,
the lonely guy
will still be there.
Look at this guy.
That couple
will go down in history.
All he gets to do
is eat roast beef from a tube.
So all you lonely guys out
there, this film is for you.
It's for guys like that guy,
Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China.
He's got 14 married
brothers and sisters,
yet still eats alone in a Chinese
restaurant four nights a week.
It's for Mbowie Zoomba,
another lonely guy.
While he's happy that cable TV
has been installed in his area,
he'd really like to meet a nice
girl with attractive lip lace.
And it's for Larry Hubbard...
Hey, that's me, fifth one down.
I'll take over the narration.
Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is the
story of how I became a lonely guy.
I came to Manhattan
to be a writer.
While I was working on my novel,
I took a job at a greeting card firm.
It was working out
pretty well.
What are you working on,
An idea I had for
a new kind of sympathy card.
"I know how much your loss
must grieve you,
"but here's a thought
I'd like to leave you:
"Although you're sad
remember that...
now God is petting
your pussycat."
Beautiful! Hubbard!
You're moving up. Thank you, sir.
Get your things and take the front desk.
Yes, sir!
Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach.
Yes, sir?
Stop whatever you're doing.
I want pet cards.
Birthday, anniversary.
And not just cats and dogs.
I want hamsters,
fish, parakeets.
I was always lucking
into things like that.
New York had been
pretty good to me.
The best part was, I'd met this
gorgeous ballet dancer named Danielle.
She was nuts about me and asked
me to move right in with her.
Every day at 5:30,
she'd have bathed, perfumed,
put on a sexy nightie...
and be waiting alone
in a big bed just for me.
Hi, Danielle.
Tarzan is here.
Oh, one second while I
look through my mail here.
Oh, geez.
Hey, a rejection from
a completely new publisher.
They're finally getting
to know me in this town.
Hi, honey.
You miss me?
So, what'd you do today?
Anything interesting? Ohhh.
You gotta get out
of the house.
You can't mope around all day
waiting for me to come home.
This your cigar
in here, honey?
All ready for me
I can see, huh?
Mmm. You smell good.
I don't believe you!
You come home, you find me
in bed with another man,
you act as if
nothing's going on.
Larry, this is
my lover, Raoul.
We're lovers.
Hi, Raoul. Larry Hubbard.
Nice to meet you. Yeah, hi.
Have you known
Danielle long?
Yes, we're dancers
in the same company.
I thought they were all... Yes.
Well, Raoul's not!
Raoul's all man.
And he's moving in tonight.
After The Nutcracker.
He's bringing his things
over in the morning.
Bringing his things over?
There's hardly enough room for our things!
Your things are going!
I've already packed them!
They're in the hall beside the garbage,
and you can take 'em out all together.
I know I'm behaving strange.
Probably real strange.
I've never been in a situation
like this before.
I don't know how to handle it.
So I was waiting, calmly,
patiently, reasonably,
'til I do figure out how to
handle this kind of situation.
Hold it.
I think I've got it.
Yes, yes.
What the hell's going on here?
What's he doing in this bed?
You disgust me,
both of you!
I'm getting out of here,
and I never want to see you in my life again!
I think I handled that
rather well.
Oh, Larry,
don't forget the garbage.
I had no place to stay,
nowhere to go.
There was no one to talk to.
I must've looked pitiful.
That's the good thing about
living in a city like New York.
At least nobody I knew
was gonna see me like this.
Larry? Larry Hubbard?
Is that you?
Hey, Larry, how are you?
Jack. Jack Bedwood.
Oh, hi. You're looking good.
How's it going?
How does it look?
Pretty good, huh?
How's it going with you?
Oh, just taking a walk. I like to get
out of the house every once in a while.
I heard about you
and Danielle breaking up.
It just happened
15 minutes ago.
I just spoke to her. We were
very close. We had an affair.
- When was that?
- About four weeks ago.
Every morning
after you'd go to work.
But you knew about that,
didn't you?
Sure! We had an understanding.
We were very today people.
Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna.
Hi. And this is my
girlfriend Freida.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
We got a little apartment
here on the West Side.
One big room and
a 40-foot mattress.
Anytime you're in the neighborhood,
just drop in, okay?
And don't be so broken up about Danielle.
She already dumped Raoul.
- She has?
- Yeah. She's living with a rock group now.
Oh. Well, okay.
You take it easy, huh?
See you around.
Come on, baby.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Warren Evans.
Larry Hubbard.
Hi, Larry.
First-time lonely guy?
What's a lonely guy?
My girl Melanie
just left me.
What'd she
leave you for?
She came home last night,
found some guy robbing her apartment.
They just hit it off.
Gee, that sounds tough.
It was tough.
It's probably for the best. She's
really started to let herself go.
Drank a lot,
never bathed, fat.
Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.
Not like Melanie.
No, better than Melanie.
You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are ya?
I'm not.
Where're you headed?
Um... I guess I have to look
for an apartment, huh?
Take it from an experienced
lonely guy.
Be very careful
looking for an apartment.
'Cause from now on,
that apartment's gonna be your best friend.
A lot of lonely guys, just to get off the
street, tend to grab the first thing...
that looks better
than a Borneo death cell.
My pleasure.
Warren gave me
a lot of tips, like:
It's very important to find an
apartment with a feeling of space.
Right here.
The view is very important
In a moderate price range,
you can't expect anything too beautiful,
but a lonely guy should
watch out for the depressing.
A river view is great...
as long as you're
above the river.
And you mustn't be fooled by
classy-looking neighborhoods.
Sometimes your
classiest-looking neighborhoods
have the highest crime rates.
Don't live here.
Bad neighborhood.
What a view, and you
can almost see the river!
See, this has the pacing room I need.
I'm working on a novel.
This apartment could really be my friend.
I'll take this.
All right, fine, but before
you can sign the lease,
there are a few questions I'd like to ask.
"Do you have any dogs, cats, children,
or friends of ethnic extraction?
"Do you ever get personal
phone calls after midnight?
"Do you go to dinner
with people in show business?
"Do you ever put substances up your
nose or any other open bodily passage?
Is there anyone
in your acquaintance
who has a sexually
communicable disease?"
No dogs, no cats, no children,
no foreign friends.
No late phone calls, no show business
dinners, no disgusting substances.
No acquaintances with sexually
communicable diseases.
Except that Uncle Harry once developed
a rash after an affair with a waitress,
but he covered it with a tattoo of
a dragon so nobody would notice.
Thank you very much.
That seems satisfactory.
You can move in the day after tomorrow.
You'll fit in very well.
Thank you.
You wanna go to dinner?
I'm a man.
This is getting drastic.
I don't have anything in my place.
I just left with a suitcase.
I lost my comb.
This morning I had to brush
my hair with my toothbrush.
I cleaned it out really good so I feel more
comfortable. It takes about 20 minutes.
Does it look okay?
I was just thinking how good it looks.
I should get a comb. I'll get it today.
You oughta get a comb.
You think that's bad.
I had my yearly physical last week.
They called me yesterday, told me I
have to come back. They lost my blood.
Oh, god!
You know, I can give 'em more blood, but...
You see, you buy a lot of these,
you scatter them around,
and nobody'll notice you
don't have enough furniture.
Hey, this one looks nice.
No, you don't want that, Larry.
That's got buds. So what?
You don't want to watch life blossoming,
while yours...
Isn't, yeah.
Hey, how about a fern?
Great. But, Larry, don't call 'em ferns.
Call 'em guys.
Yeah, make 'em feel like your buddy.
You can watch
football games together.
Watch football games with a plant?
Hey, you never know.
Well, I'll just take
this guy right here.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.
I could use one myself.
Want a sip?
No. I'm full.
What'd you eat?
Uh, a tuna sandwich.
How often do you have to
water something like this?
Just once a week.
But stay with it a couple of minutes.
It doesn't like to drink
alone, seriously.
Have you got your towels yet?
I forgot all about that.
I can get 'em wholesale,
if you don't mind other people's initials.
They get 'em
from divorced couples.
That's kind of sad, isn't it? I don't want
to get depressed every time I shower.
You'll probably
be depressed anyway.
Well, I gotta go.
I gotta go get some furniture.
Hey, doesn't your guy want
to say good-bye to my guy?
Say good-bye
to your friend.
Still a little shy.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
I'd gotten some furniture,
but the big news was the phone.
I had to give them a $500 deposit and a
sperm sample, but they finally put it in.
So I pulled out
my little black book.
Nobody move a muscle.
First National Bank.
Hi. Carol Zall, please.
I'm sorry, she's all
tied up right now.
Would you care to leave
your phone number?
Larry Hubbard.
Oh. She says she'd
love to talk to you,
and she'll get
right back to you.
Haven't lost the touch.
Cops! Out the back!
All right, let's go.
Take some hostages.
Get the bag.
Kid, you're coming with me.
For some reason,
Carol never called back.
You know, I know this guy
who's a magician.
He and his friend go into a
restaurant and start doing tricks.
He said they meet
a lot of girls that way.
So I got this magic book.
Try this.
Take a card.
Okay, look at it.
Okay, now stick it
back in somewhere.
I'll shuffle.
Okay, cut 'em.
Was it the queen of clubs?
Was it a club?
Queen of diamonds?
Nine of diamonds?
Six of diamonds?
Three of diamonds? Yes.
Yes. Not bad. Not bad.
Actually, I was feeling
pretty positive.
There are plenty of girls, and I knew
it wouldn't take long before I met one.
How you doin'?
I'm okay.
How about yourself?
Not too shabby.
Oh, no, thanks.
Do you do this often?
Well... I'm a single guy,
and no use in saving it up.
Okay, you may get up now.
I'll have you out of here in just a minute.
Do you have time for a drink?
They say you should have some orange juice.
I have to meet my boyfriend.
Oh, right, right.
Me too.
You know, I really believe
that one of these days
I'm gonna meet the girl
of my dreams...
if I don't run out
of blood first.
I was getting
a little depressed.
So I was glad when Warren invited me
over to his place for a little party.
I want a list of part-time lovers...
Warren, how's it going?
What are these?
Party cutouts.
I got them at the Lonely Guy
Store at 81st and Lexington.
When I first saw them
it seemed like a weird idea,
but it turns out
they're a lot of fun.
They're good company too.
You'd be surprised.
Oh, yeah? It is surprising.
They move and everything.
I'm just gonna go
check on dinner.
Fix yourself a drink.
Drink anything you want. Thanks.
I'll get it.
Hey, how are you...
You got a complaint
about the noise.
You're playing
your music too loud!
Oh, I'll turn it down.
What the hell
is goin' on here?
Uh, just a friendly
little get-together.
- Can I fix you a drink?
- No, no. We're on duty.
- Oh, sure.
- Just keep the noise down.
Mike, go ahead. I'll be right down.
I gotta use the can.
Look, mister, really,
I don't have to use the can.
But tell me, please, where do you
get these things? They're fantastic!
You mean, you're a...
Yeah, a lonely cop.
A lonely cop?
Oh, gee!
You get 'em at the Lonely Guy
Store at 81st and Lex.
Thanks a lot. Do you know
if they got Gene Hackman?
Uh... Warren?
Does the Lonely Guy Store have Gene Hackman?
Yes, they do, but you have to
reserve him a week ahead.
Hey, terrific. Thanks again.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks a lot.
That's okay.
Come and get it.
Leg of lamb.
If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton.
Great, isn't she?
Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like
getting out and meeting real women?
Sure. I'm meeting a terrific
girl at a bar tomorrow night.
Do you wanna come? Maybe you'll
meet somebody. Well, yeah, thanks.
Who's that? Oh,
just a friend of mine I don't see anymore.
Oh. Well, here's to...
Oh, God, that's funny!
You tell a story so well.
Oh, thanks.
Here's another one.
I'm walking down Madison Avenue. It's
about 12:00, 12:30. This really happened!
This guy comes up to me... Hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, hi. Hey, Warren.
Thanks for sitting in.
I was just telling Louise this great story...
How'd your meeting go?
Terrific. Looks like we got the deal.
That's wonderful!
Great. Listen, Warren,
thanks for sitting in.
I hate to have Louise sit and wait alone.
I was glad to do it.
Can you do it next week, same time?
I'll be about 45 minutes.
Oh, sure, sure.
Enjoy your dinner.
See anybody?
I'm trying to get my courage up
to talk to that girl over there.
Oooh, she's pretty.
Gee, I don't think so.
Why not?
I mean, she's
really attractive.
Well, hey!
Well, try.
Well, I will.
Hi. I'm Larry.
Hi. Brenda.
This okay?
Oh, I hate these places.
Don't you?
It's like, most of these guys
are just here for one thing.
I guess I want to meet someone I can talk to,
just get to know.
And go to dinners with,
and museums, art galleries.
I think what I'm looking for is
more of a real relationship.
That's great, Larry. But I
just came here to get laid.
Ever think
of getting a dog?
A dog!
Dogs are great. They leap all
over you. They lick your face.
They don't even have to
like you. It's their instinct.
Hitler had a dog.
That dog went crazy over him.
- Adolph Hitler?
- Yeah.
There's this pet shop,
has this policy.
Take a dog home,
you don't like it...
you bring it back,
you get another dog.
- That sounds like a good deal.
- It is a good deal.
I learned a lot
about dogs that week.
For instance, don't get a dog
that's bigger than you,
unless you're trying
to save money on bus fare.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go, boy. Come on!
And if you like to play fetch,
don't get a fast dog.
Fast dogs like to show off,
and they don't care about your stick.
If they don't come back
by nightfall, you're out $300.
Bassets are really
cuddly dogs.
They love to get in bed
and nuzzle right up to you.
The problem is, they miss their
mother and they howl all night,
and you have to pretend
that you're a Basset too...
and howl with him
'til he goes back to sleep.
A cute dog attracts women.
But not to you,
to himself.
I come by here every day
about this time.
Bye, puppy dog!
Me and the dog.
Dogs have a great deal.
Hey, you!
What's your name?
Larry Hubbard. Why?
- I'm gonna write you a ticket.
- What for?
Your dog just fouled
the pathway over there.
- He what?
- He pooped.
Excuse me, but I don't think
that poop came from this dog.
No, no, I'm sure of it.
Definitely not.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, officer, I mean it.
Look, in the last week,
I've had five different dogs.
I'm beginning to know what kind
of poop goes with each dog.
I think I may even say,
without undue modesty,
that I am becoming somewhat
of an expert on poop.
And I can assure you that that
poop did not come from this dog!
I mean, this is a little dog.
That looks like a land mine.
Warren, I gotta
meet a girl.
That was your dog's poop.
I saw him do it.
Oh, Warren!
I mean, look at that guy.
He's got a girl.
He had to meet her someplace.
He wasn't born with his arm around her.
What about jogging? Maybe
you can meet girls jogging.
Jogging. I remember
when I first saw Rocky.
I came running out of the theater,
ran into the park,
started jogging,
shadow boxing,
a guy came up and punched me
right in the face.
Oh, God!
I'm not really jogging.
I only ran about 50 yards.
This is not real sweat,
either. I sprayed it on.
They sell this
at sporting goods stores.
It's made from the actual sweat
of professional athletes.
This was taken from a Boston
Celtics basketball player...
immediately after
a double overtime game.
I think I'm getting hungry.
A vanilla yogurt
milkshake, please.
Did 22 miles today.
3:06, that's my best time ever.
Don't sweat
on the counter, please.
Oh, sorry.
Ah, beautiful!
I was just noticing that book you're reading,
Mayor of Casterbridge.
That's really a coincidence
because I did my final paper...
on Thomas Hardy
my senior year in college.
You know, Hardy
was a very interesting man.
When he was in London
in 1861...
How long have you
been a lonely guy?
Is it that noticeable?
What is it
that gave me away?
I know phony sweat
when I smell it.
When you came in, I thought
you were Larry Bird.
Sorry, it was dumb.
It's just that I saw you sitting there,
and I wanted to meet you.
No, that's not
even true, either.
I just wanted
to meet anybody.
I know.
It can be rough.
Did you try a fern?
A dog?
Yeah, but they don't seem
to really help that mu...
How come you know so much
about lonely guys?
My husband Marty was a lonely guy.
Oh, husband.
My ex-husband.
That's how we met. I fell
for the phony jogging bit.
Never again. I learned to tell the
difference between real and bottle sweat.
Here, smell mine.
Oh, yeah!
Now, see, that's terrific.
That's sweat!
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, there's
no comparison!
So, um, how long were you
and Marty married?
Oh, not long. I found out he was
having an affair with a ballet dancer.
A dancer.
Now this may sound silly,
but by any chance that dancer
wasn't named DanieDaniellee?
No, no. Raoul.
Absolutely no comparison.
Well, I guess
I'd better be going.
Hang in there. Lonely guys
don't stay lonely forever.
Hey, um, what's your name? Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
I know what
you're going through.
Wow, that's fantastic.
What a great girl!
Well, that's $1.50. You've got
some yogurt on your face.
What a great girl.
I woke up early
the next morning.
Too early to call her.
I just couldn't get her out of my mind.
I couldn't wait
'til I got to know her.
I love the way your nose
crinkles up when you smile.
Ugly? They are not.
I love your freckles.
What's the best movie you
ever saw in your whole life?
You're kidding!
I don't believe it. Me too.
Favorite food?
With or without walnuts?
I knew it! I knew it!
What's the saddest thing
that ever happened to you?
Oh, my god! Really?
That's awful. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
There, there.
Just cry right into my arms.
It's gonna be all right.
Everything's all right.
I'm here.
I'm never gonna leave you.
I couldn't wait any longer.
I had to talk to her.
She had to be up by now.
It was almost 6:00.
Oh, god!
Lois? Doris?
Damn it!
Hello. Is there a Lois there?
Uh, Lois? No.
Uh, Doris?
A Bess or Tess?
No. Who is this?
Please, sir, this is important.
Can you just tell me,
is there a girl living there,
mid 20's, 5'3", blonde,
beautiful face,
great figure,
fresh skin, full lips...
and young, vibrant, alive?
Is there?
No, no.
But please, please don't stop.
Yeah. Who's this?
I want you back, Larry.
Me and every other guy in New
York. How's the rock group?
Oh, Larry.
You're the only one that
ever meant anything to me.
The only one.
Oh, good-bye, Iggy.
Bye, babe.
Good-bye, Fuzzy,
Zippy, Zingo, Starr.
Iggy, on your way out,
could you take out the garbage?
Thanks, love.
What about mushy-mushy?
Don't you miss it?
Yes, you do.
All right, so I miss it.
Big deal.
Bye, Danielle.
I'm all alone in bed.
It would only take you
five minutes to get here.
There'll never be anyone else
for me but you.
Just you and me...
together forever and ever.
Do you mean that, Danielle?
Hold on a sec.
I got another call.
I knew she'd come back to me!
I knew it!
Hello? Who's this?
Larry. Larry Hubbard.
Oh, Larry.
Nice to hear from you.
I'm a little busy. Can you
call me back some other time?
...with a 20% chance of rain,
clearing in the afternoon.
There were three suicides
in Manhattan late last night,
all characterized
as lonely guys.
Two of the men were found dead
in their West Side apartments.
Both traveling salesmen, who came
home from the road after two weeks...
and found that their beautiful
fern plants were dead.
A third lonely guy,
who had a view just below the East River,
opened his window and drowned.
There was no suicide note.
Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.
Talk about lonely.
And here's a bulletin:
The New York Police Department reports
there's just been another suicide.
That of a lonely rock group.
More details as we get them.
Way to go, Danielle. Now,
back to easy listening. It's kind of late...
Queen rook to king three.
Hello. Hello?
Hey, Warren, it's Larry. Wanna do
something tonight? Maybe go to dinner?
No, thanks. I think maybe
I'll just stay in tonight.
Relax, put on a fire.
Maybe some other time.
- Sure. I understand.
- Thanks for calling.
Capture of queen by rook.
Queen's rook to queen seven.
Thank you
for a pleasant game.
Thank you.
You played very well,
except for moves 14 through 17,
which you played
like an asshole.
Yes? Hi.
Do you have a table for dinner?
Certainly, sir.
How many in your party?
I'm alone.
Follow me, sir.
This way, sir.
Thank you.
Would you care
for a cocktail, sir?
Yes, I'd like
a "todka and vonic."
- A todka and vonic?
- Yes.
Very good, sir.
Oh, and, Captain?
Could you turn out the spotlight, please?
And could everybody
go back to talking?
This is
the really hard part:
sitting there trying to convince
people you're eating alone on purpose.
But Warren told me
how to handle it.
Is it all right?
Oh, you can read
my review next Sunday.
- Hi.
- Oh, it's you!
I wiped my mouth with
the napkin you gave me.
I spent two solid days
trying to decipher it.
I promised God if He
let me find you again,
I would never
wipe food off my face.
Oh, well, I figured
that would happen.
Lonely guys always
lose phone numbers.
What is your name?
Iris! Iris.
Of course, Iris.
Sit down. Let me
get you something.
Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with
ex-husband, and we're leaving.
So that's Marty?
No, that's my ex-husband Jeremy.
Different ex-husband?
Well, I have to go.
Wait. Your number.
Oh, I wrote it down on the check.
The, uh, waiter'll
give it to you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Iris, Iris, Iris.
Here we are, sir.
Thank you.
No, no. Please, sir.
With an eminent food critic such as yourself,
the pleasure
is all ours.
I phoned every Iris
in the New York area.
Hello? Is this the Iris who
gave me her number last night?
No, it's not.
I combed the entire
neighborhood where I met her.
Night and day,
day and night.
I got so desperate,
I went up to my roof and called her name.
Iris, where are you?
Marilyn, my love!
Where are you, Barbara?
Lupe, I miss you!
Where are you?
Erica, it's me!
Iris, where are you?
When I was in high school,
I went to a movie theater with a girl.
I was sitting there, and about
20 minutes into the picture,
I slowly put my arm
around her.
Slowly, slowly, I put it on her
breast. She didn't say a word.
And I thought,
"This is great."
I sat through the whole picture and
didn't move. I just... right there.
Then when the lights came up,
I realized it was on her purse.
It was still fun, though.
Because you didn't know, yeah.
I thought it might help
to see a psychiatrist.
You know, just to have
someone to unload on,
someone compassionate
and understanding.
Does Dr. Zook live here?
Second bell from the top.
Thank you.
Hi, My name's Hubbard.
I have a 3:00 appointment.
Hubbard, yes.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Talk into the box, please.
Talk into the box.
So, why did you decide
to come and see me?
Well... I recently ended a
relationship with this girl,
and I was feeling
kind of...lonely and...
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I smoke?
Uh, no. Go ahead.
Thank you.
You were saying you ended this
relationship with this girl.
Well, I came home... See, I was living with
a ballet dancer. Her name was Danielle.
When my father gave me a "C" in English,
I didn't understand.
He said it was because he had to
treat me like the other kids,
but I thought he was
being much tougher on me...
Sorry, Larry. That's all
the time we have for today.
If you like, I can see you
next Thursday at 3:00.
Yes, yes, I would.
I think the talking has helped.
Good. Now, if you'll just
deposit $50 in my mail slot.
Okay. Thanks.
You bet.
You know what gets me?
I go to get a haircut,
they charge me like four bucks,
which is the same amount of money
they would charge anybody to come in.
But say a guy like Michael
Landon goes into the shop.
They would charge him $4,
yet he's got 100 times more hair than I do.
By rights, they should be charging
Michael Landon like $400.
Yeah, but they don't charge you
by how much hair you've got.
They're paid to make it look
good with what you've got.
Well, I don't even know
if they've done that.
I mean, how does that look?
See, that's what I'm saying.
Do you ever try
swooping it over?
You know, some guys grow their hair
real long and then swoop it over.
My hair doesn't grow
long enough to swoop it over.
Besides, when you see a guy
with his hair swooped over,
you know he's doing it
to cover up something.
Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.
You know, the guys that
always keep their hair...
are the guys that have
no use for it at all.
Who's that?
Like bums.
You ever seen a bald bum?
They always have a beautiful head of hair.
Why is that?
I think it's because they never wash it.
The only time you ever
see you hair fall out...
is after you shower
and you wash your hair.
If I'd never washed my hair,
I'd have a full head of hair?
They could lose their hair.
Maybe it just stays in.
If they ever wash it,
they could be bald bums.
Mr. Hubbard,
the manuscript you sent us...
is not the sort of thing this
company is interested in doing.
Speedy Fingers Typing Service.
Hi, Larry, it's Warren. I can't go to
the movie with you tomorrow night...
because I decided
to end it all.
My life just seems
so empty and meaningless...
that I can't see any point
in going on with it.
Hope you enjoy the movie.
I figured he'd be
at the Manhattan Bridge.
It was a sort of "in" spot
for suicidal lonely guys.
Check it out, man.
Block the door, man.
Iris! I lost
your phone number!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'll see you there.
Man, you sure are
some bad backward writer.
Warren. Warren?
No. Henry.
Warren? Warren?
Don't come any closer, Larry.
Warren, come down from there.
You have too much to live for.
Give me three things.
Two things?
One thing?
Not dying. Not dying
is something to live for.
What's the difference?
Nobody cares.
Warren, I'm your friend. I care what
happens to you. You gotta believe that.
You're great, Larry.
People say they're your friend... Larry?
They come running down here... Stay there.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Iris!
I'm so glad I found you.
Oh, come on.
My best friend is gonna jump.
- Warren, please, come down.
- Who's this?
Iris, the girl I told you
about. I found her again.
Aw, gosh, she is lovely.
How are you?
- Fine. You?
- Eh!
Warren, please don't do this.
I need you.
You don't need me.
You two have each other.
No, this'll never last. She's
already had two husbands.
- Six.
- Six?
You can't have a stable relationship
with a person like that.
It's nice of you to lie,
but I can see how you feel about each other.
Okay, but that doesn't mean I
don't need you in my life too.
You want to know the place
I'll have in your life?
You'll have a beautiful wife,
great kids, lovely home,
and I'll be your bachelor
who you feel you have to
invite to your dinner party.
But Iris has run out of single
women to fix me up with,
so she wracks her brain and
comes up with this widow...
who's 15 years older than me,
overweight with rotten teeth.
You know, it doesn't
sound all that bad.
I like a full-figured woman.
Teeth you can always fix.
And what does age matter if
you have a good personality?
That's right.
Would you make a nice leg of lamb?
Oh, yes.
Oh, I love lamb.
Excuse me.
Are you using this railing? No.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
With mint sauce?
Of course.
Let's all go somewhere.
You two go ahead.
I can't leave you after this.
Hey, I've been up there
plenty of times.
Why don't you come
to dinner with us?
No, y-you go ahead.
I'll catch a slice of pizza.
I'll call you later.
Thanks, Larry.
Iris, how old are you?
And you've had six husbands?
That's a lot, isn't it?
No, no, not really. When you think about it,
it's just one every five years.
And Jerry was
an alcoholic.
And Michael was
a compulsive gambler.
And Fred was a womanizer.
It seems I've ended
up being hurt...
in every relationship
I've ever had.
Iris, I guess no man knows
for sure what he's capable of.
There might be circumstances in
which I might lie or steal...
or, who knows,
even kill.
But there's one thing I know
in my heart I could never do.
As long as I live, I could
never, never hurt you.
Oh, Larry!
Iris. Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Ohhh!
Oh, sit down.
It's just a scalded lap.
I'm fine. Fine.
Just... fine.
No. No, you're not.
What are you doing?
I want you to know that whatever
feelings of pain you might have,
I want to share them
with you.
Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, gosh,
it's almost 2:00.
I guess you'd like me to
take you home, wouldn't you?
Yes. To your home.
Oh, Iris.
But first, I just
have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, I'll take care of the check.
I better not.
Why not?
You might not be here when I get back.
Why wouldn't I be here?
That's how Milton left me.
I understand.
Are you still there?
I'm here, I swear.
You're the first person who's ever
done this for me. It's nothing.
I'm crazy about you,
I'm crazy about you
too, Iris.
We went back to my place and talked for
two and a half hours about everything.
We found out we'd voted for exactly the
same people in the last nine elections.
We sang camp songs
to each other.
Then she got real romantic and said
she wanted to get in bed with me.
I was headed for
the greatest night of my life.
Except she wouldn't
take off her clothes.
Iris, please.
It's not going to work, Larry.
You're wrong for me.
Because you're
so right for me.
You're the most wonderful man
I've ever known.
If I let us get close,
if I made that commitment,
and you hurt me like the
others, I couldn't handle it.
- I would never hurt you.
- I'm too terrified to take that chance.
I need someone...
who I don't
care a damn about.
Someone mean and...
unfeeling and rotten.
I could be that. Give me
a day or two to work on it.
No, darling.
Iris, look.
I-I-I don't want to lose you!
You and I
have something special.
Sure, we have
a few problems...
like not having sex,
but we don't have to have sex.
There's plenty
of other things we can do.
We can go to motels and listen
to other people have sex.
It just wasn't meant
to be, Larry.
But there's one thing
I want you to know.
Even though
we didn't do it,
you're the best
I ever had.
The best what?
I love you.
I'll always love you.
But I've gone away.
Good-bye, my dearest.
At the sound of the beep,
please try and forget me.
Quarter to four.
Maybe I'll take a nap.
I don't like to take naps.
I don't like to wake up more than once a day.
When I first wake up, I get
that shock of who I am.
And I really don't like to do
that more than once a day.
Hubbard, I've been
wanting to talk to you...
about some of the greetings
you've been working on.
"Hi there, Grandpa,
Happy Birthday to you.
"And if you live 'til next year,
Happy Birthday then too."
I've been a little
preoccupied lately.
A little?
"Will you be my Valentine?
Think about it a bit.
"If you will, that's okay.
If not, who gives a shit?"
Mr. Hubbard
is fired.
One good thing
about being fired,
it gave me time
to work on my novel.
But that wasn't
going so great either.
"Soon the primal fire began to
burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.
"Her hips twitched
and trembled as each...
"fireball from Oliver's
powerful cannon...
"erupted like molten lava...
"into the quivering mouth...
of her ever-fluttering
love purse."
What do I know
about Oliver Cromwell?
What do I know
about love?
All I know about
is lonely.
How to eat alone.
How to live alone.
That's all I know.
Damn, the wind.
My book became an instant best-seller. Lonely
guys came out of the woodwork to get it.
There were more of us
out there than I thought.
Mr. Hubbard,
where did you get the idea...
of writing a book
about lonely guys?
Everybody's a lonely
guy at one time or another.
You can be married
and be a lonely guy.
You can be quarterback of the
football team and be a lonely guy.
Mr. Hubbard, I want to thank you.
You've given hope to all of us.
Hi. Could you just put
"To Jimmy"?
Funny how a little thing like writing
a best-seller can change a guy's life.
Hey, Larry, you're hot.
Griffin wants you
on the west coast
And on the east coast,
Letterman wants you.
Hey, we got a call
from Playboy.
They want you to pose
with the bunny of the month.
Ha, ha! She thinks you're terrific.
Woof! Woof!
You're her favorite writer.
And, hey, what a looker!
"It looks like blonde
bombshell Loni Anderson...
"has turned Larry Hubbard into
America's unloneliest lonely guy.
"It seems they haven't left Larry's
West Side apartment in two weeks,
and whatever they're doing there, we bet
they're not collaborating on a new book."
Where do they get
this trash?
Beats me.
I'm so glad we met.
I wonder if the European feelings
are as strong as the Americans?
well, speaking for myself,
I know that the wealth
or fame or social position...
have absolutely nothing to do with
whether or not I'm attracted to a man.
This is true. You should see some
of the trash she goes out with.
It's true. I've found that I've
been able to date women...
who wouldn't have given me a second
look before my book became a success.
But don't you see, Larry?
Success changes a man.
It makes him confident,
poised, self-assured.
And it's these new qualities
in the man himself...
that account for his
newfound appeal.
I guess
that's what it is, then.
Everybody loves my baby
But my baby don't love
Nobody but me
Nobody but me
Aw, gosh. I hate
to interrupt.
It's all been
so incredibly fascinating...
and entertaining
and instructive.
Really, the time
has just flown by.
The lovely Schneider twins.
Anita and Shotze.
Ex-lonely guy
Larry Hubbard.
And Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Thank you for being here.
You've made it a very
special night for me.
And I hope we can all get
together and do it again.
Thank you.
Good night.
Everybody loves my baby
Gosh, I hate to interrupt.
This has been all
so incredibly fascinating...
and entertaining
and instructive.
Really, the time
has just flown by.
I can't thank you all
enough for being here.
You've made it a very special evening for me,
and I hope we can all...
Oh, that was a very
sweet gesture. Thank you.
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
I know what
you're going through.
It's you! My god, it's you!
I'm crazy about you,
You made me love you
You woke me up
to do it
Excuse me.
I've been staring at you
all night.
The difference between
an agent and a manager
is with a manager you have
to meet his family.
Great party, Larry.
- It's fun, isn't it?
- It really is.
Excuse me.
You look great.
Come on in.
No, you're busy. I'll
come back another time.
No, I missed you.
Oh, I missed you.
I saw you
on The Merv Griffin Show.
Oh, really?
I tried to stay away,
but I couldn't.
I wanted you so much.
Oh, Iris, Danielle.
Danielle, Iris.
The incinerator's
down the steps.
I'm so glad you sent
everyone home.
Me too.
I didn't think you'd remember.
It feels so good
next to your body.
Your feet are so warm.
Can I take my socks off now?
Sure. I just didn't know if
you wanted to go all the way.
Mmm. Oh, Iris.
I don't believe it.
I didn't believe something
like this was possible.
Oh, my god, Iris.
Have you started yet,
Of course. What did you think
"Oh, my god, Iris," was about?
I'm sorry.
I'm inexperienced.
I know that sounds crazy
with six husbands,
but, you see, I've never
You mean an orgasm?
I didn't want to talk dirty.
None of 'em ever seemed
to care if I had 'em or not.
I care. Look, um,
I'll let you know.
Whenever you have one,
I'll let you know
about it.
Oh, you are so sweet,
Larry. I appreciate that.
I think it's the man's responsibility to...
Oop! There goes one.
You just had one.
I did?
Didn't you feel it?
In what part of the body?
I can't blurt out
in what part of the body.
There goes another one!
They're happening so quickly.
You have to be ready for them.
Sometimes they go by when you're just
talking or clearing your throat.
You are so
experienced, Larry.
I never realized a lonely guy
could be so experienced.
Well, this isn't the first time that...
There goes another one!
I think I felt that one.
It felt like a tiny hiccup.
I think that was a hiccup.
Maybe they're coming
from your side of the bed.
Let's change sides.
I don't want to miss any more.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, nothing.
I missed another one?
Just the biggest one so far.
My god!
Excuse me.
Oh! Oh, Larry.
I think I felt one.
You did?
Uh-huh. Right when
you sneezed.
Oh. GesundheitA.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I felt it again. Twice.
You did?
Yes. It was wonderful.
Do you think
you could... sneeze again?
I don't know.
I'll try. Aaah-choo!
Oh! Oh, yes.
Yes. Gesundheit.
Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this.
Aaah... aaah...
Aaah... aaah...
Aaaah! Aaaah! Choo!
Aaaah! Aaaah!
Ooooh! Oh,
you're magnificent.
Aaachoo, aaachoo, aaachoo!
No, Larry, no more.
Stop, or I'll go mad
with pleasure.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Iris, I love you.
I love you too, Larry.
Why are you crying?
Because it's so hopeless.
But everything
was so good.
Exactly. I was afraid of getting
involved with you because...
I couldn't face
the possibility of losing you.
How do you think I feel
now that I found out...
you're not only
a great guy, but that...
you're the best
goddamn lover in the world?
I'm going.
Iris, look.
You're just upset.
Let me take you home.
You'll get a good night's sleep.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
No, I'll get a cab.
There's no point in
calling me in the morning.
I won't be there.
That did it.
I knew I had to get out of town for a while.
So I booked myself
on one of those cruises.
I figured it might give me a chance
to get away from everyone I knew.
Of course, in the first three
hours, I met my accountant,
my plumber, my postman;
even Jack was there.
He'd just broken up
with Verna and Frieda.
I guess he was looking for more
girls to add to his collection.
He waved me over, but I just wasn't
interested in meeting other women.
I just couldn't get
my mind off Iris.
Excuse me, sir. Are you
Mr. Larry Hubbard?
Yes, I am.
This dog came aboard just before we sailed.
Your name was on his collar.
Hey, good boy.
What a good dog.
And this note
is for you, sir.
It's from a young lady.
Thank you.
Dear Larry, just heard
we're on the same ship.
I'll be at the Masquerade Ball
tomorrow night.
I hope we'll
run into each other.
I think we should talk.
She's here.
Oh, sorry, fella!
Hello, Iris.
Hello, Larry.
Terrific costume.
Larry, I want to apologize
for the way I behaved.
I was wrong.
You don't have to apologize
as long as we're together.
No, Larry. I was wrong
to let it go as far as it did.
I knew from the beginning
it would never work.
I love you too much.
Do you think you're the only one
who's afraid of falling in love,
or afraid of being hurt?
Do you think I'm not?
I'm terrified.
But you've got to be willing
to feel a little pain
or you'll never feel any joy.
Hi, Larry.
Hi, Jack.
You kept coming back to me
for the joy, not the pain.
Hey, hey, aren't you going to introduce me?
Jack, Iris.
I'm not saying I'll be
the only guy for you.
You might meet somebody
you like better.
Looks like we
were meant for each other.
Hey, hey, don't the girls
look terrific tonight?
The seven deadly sins! Whoa!
What a clever idea!
Girls. What girls?
The girls! Your girls, Jack.
- Inga, Helga, Olga!
- I guess my eyesight is failing.
'Cause as far as I can see there's
only one woman in this whole room.
Shall we?
I'm in the mood for love
Simply because
you're near me
Funny but when
you're near me
I'm in the mood
for love
How you doing, guys?
There you go.
The guy's 46.
Drops dead.
Heart attack?
Natural causes.
I think I'm
getting that.
Here you go.
That's a good guy.
What did you have for lunch?
Toast? White?
Sounds good.
Yeah, it was.
Here's a guy, 33.
Brick fell on his head.
Hey, I want you to see
this new cassette I got.
I can't stay much longer.
Just watch this.
Oh, nice. Very nice.
- We don't have to watch the whole thing.
- Does something happen?
Jack is marrying Iris!
Yeah, I know.
3:00 today.
Hard to imagine any woman
falling in love with Jack.
She doesn't love Jack.
She loves me.
That's why
she's marrying him.
Well... whatever.
I'd better get going.
I'm defrosting my refrigerator.
That water's going
to get all over the floor.
I'll watch that fish staring
another time.
I'll give you a call later.
Maybe we'll do something.
I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll stay in tonight.
Yeah. Me too.
Well, take care.
Okay. I'll see you.
So long.
So long.
Back! Sides and front!
And other side! And three!
...nautical science.
What makes a balloon go up?
Right this way, officer.
When did you find him?
This morning.
Wife? Kids?
Close friends?
No friends, no wife,
no children.
Just ferns, a dog,
cardboard cutouts, TV.
Well-behaved, quiet,
perfect tenant.
Been there for five days.
Nobody even noticed.
I'll take care of it.
Wish I had more
tenants like him.
I don't believe what people
are throwing away today.
First Lutheran Church in Queens.
As soon as possible.
All right.
- What's the matter?
- First time ever. A traffic jam in New York.
How long is it between trains?
About 15 minutes.
- That's too long.
- Write a letter.
Pull over, mac!
You can't pull out like
that, mister. Now pull over.
Look, I've gotta...
Pull over!
If I don't get to 31st Street
in four and a half minutes,
the only girl I ever loved
is gonna marry somebody else.
I was in love once.
You're gonna need an escort. Follow me!
Let's go, mac.
Come on!
Everything is
gonna be all right.
To love, honor
and cherish...
in sickness
and in health...
as long as you both shall live?
No, wait, don't do this!
I know you think this is
the easy way out,
The safe thing to do.
But didn't you just hear
those words?
To love, honor and cherish.
You don't love this man.
You don't honor him. You don't cherish him.
You know you were meant
for something better.
Listen to your heart. This man is not
for you. Don't go through with this.
He's right.
What? Alison, who is that guy?
- Is this the First Lutheran?
- No, Third Methodist.
Isn't it romantic?
Having our honeymoon on
the same ship where we met?
I said:
Isn't it romantic
Merely to be young
On such a night as this
Isn't it romantic
Every note that's sung
is like a lover's kiss
I'm going to wash,
my dear.
I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable.
Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable too?
Like the sheets?
Could you sneeze again?
Uh, what's your name? Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
Whatever feelings of pain you might have,
I want to share them with you.
You think you're the only one who's
afraid of being hurt? You think I'm not?
I'm terrified.
You've got to be willing to feel a little
pain, or you'll never feel any joy.
Hi, Warren.
Aw, Larry.
It changes, Larry.
It's not always gonna be like
this. It really does change.
It may not feel like it,
but things change.
Sure. What about you,
Has it changed for you?
It has?
I've met someone.
- You have?
- We're very happy.
Aw, that's really great,
Oh, god, why can't I
be happy like Warren?
Oh, Iris.
We were so close!
I could've made you happy,
I know it.
If only fate could have
played a helping hand.
Larry, what luck!
Why were you jumping?
I was unhappy from
the moment I said, "I do."
Oh, Larry, I love you.
I finally realized I can't live without you.
Oh, Iris,
I love you so much.
Oh, my god.
That was a blast.
Oh. Hi, Warren.
It's really a great night, isn't it?
I just want to go home.
Warren said he met somebody.
That's great, Warren.
Who is she?
I told her to meet me here.
- Warren!
- Here she is now.
Over here, honey.
Hi, Warren.
Sometimes, when two people meet,
it's really the human will quietly,
subconsciously engineering
its own destiny.
She's great,
isn't she?
Hey, look at the four of us.
I can't think of a more
perfect ending than this.
Hey, look at this guy!
Come here!
Come on! Come on!
There we go!
There's one lonely girl
Saturday night
Nothin' to do
And there's one lonely guy
All by himself
At a table for two
And it's sad
'Cause one lonely guy
Might change the world
For one lonely girl
And life would be so sweet
If only she could meet
One lonely guy
One lonely
One lonely guy
In a world like today
So many times
Even lovers are strangers
They pass
But look away
Keeping their hearts
Far out of danger
And it's sad
Because one lonely guy
Might change the world
For one lonely girl
And life
Would be complete
If only she could meet
One lonely guy
One lonely
One lonely guy
In a world
with so many people
We long so desperately
Don't it make you
wonder why
There's a lonely guy
One lonely
One lonely
Don't pass by
One lonely guy