The Lost City (2022) Movie Script

You were incredible.
My heart is still racing.
I felt it too.
All thanks to your
brute strength, Dash,
and your knowledge
of ancient Aramaic mathematics.
Please. This has nothing to do
with my two doctorates
and my master's
in Gender Studies
and everything to do
with you, Dr. Lovemore.
The truth is,
I never thought I would find
the Lost City of D.
I would choose your words carefully.
They will be your last.
You led me right
to King Kalaman's tomb
and his queen's
legendary Crown of Fire.
And now I will be very rich,
and you will be very dead.
Hold up. Are these...
Are these your snakes?
No, they were just here.
There were just hundreds
of snakes in this temple
just waiting for us
to show up?
- Who feeds them? You feed them?
- No, what do they eat?
Why is that one not biting that guy?
Why is that happening?
- Are they trained not to bite henchmen or something?
- Yeah, well...
I mean,
the snake-to-temple ratio alone...
This is ridiculous.
I... I think my character
can still work.
Loretta, you still have
a story to write.
Hey, it's me, Beth.
I don't want to pull the whole "I'm
your publisher" card, but I am.
And I'm really looking forward
to seeing this last chapter.
But no pressure.
No, there actually is pressure.
The exact amount of pressure that
motivates you but doesn't paralyze you.
You got this.
Thank you.
Me again.
Okay, so everything
is set for the book tour,
but, uh, the only thing we need
is a book to tour with.
I can't help but get the feeling
that you're not finishing
because you don't want
to leave your house.
Listen, I know these last five years
have been hard after John's passing,
and it feels easier
to live in your bathtub,
drinking Chardonnay on ice.
But, girl, there is a great
big world waiting for you
and a book tour that I can't cancel,
so just make it happen, all right?
Love you, bye!
We have to keep going.
Let's see what's on the
other side of that door.
But what if
there isn't anything?
There's only one way
to find out.
Then Lovemore realized
the treasure she wanted
was lost forever
and her adventures
were coming to an end.
That doesn't feel right.
Yeah, but that's it.
That's the end.
Well, John,
here I go.
Dulcius ex asperis.
- Okay, honey, it's showtime.
- Are you sure about this?
Because I have a wedgie in the back
and in the front in this thing.
I feel like
a nerdy figure skater.
- Sexy. Stunner. I'm all about it.
- No, it's not. It's not.
- How do I move in this?
- Don't touch it.
- I'm not touching it. I'm holding it out.
- Stop it. Will you stop?
Get it out now 'cause you
can't do that onstage.
And we're done.
And we're done. Okay, good.
Do I need to be wearing
a glitter onesie?
You only have to wear this
for two hours.
Do not mess this up, do you hear me?
This is on loan.
Everyone's wearing
sequins right now.
- Why is she taking my photo?
- This is Allison.
She is our new
social media manager.
And she's gonna be helping us
target that younger demographic.
Meaning women in their 30s
who wish they were in their 20s.
Hey, what's up?
Um, I took over your socials,
so this morning you tweeted,
"Where are my ladies at?
Meet me at Ballroom G at 5:00 p.m.
Okay, we are having fun.
Let's go.
We need to remind people that you are still alive.
People know I'm alive.
And to remind them
why this used to be
- the best selling franchise.
- In Romance.
Yes, which is the top
revenue-generating literary category.
Revenue-generating isn't how I would
describe our presales right now.
Just think of this as a way
that uses word of mouth.
Oh, you want word of mouth?
Here we go. How's this?
"The only thing more lost than
the city is the author herself."
Uh, "Way past her prime." And, oh,
"This is fake history at its worst."
A book tour could
change everything, okay?
We have to remind the fans
why they love you so much.
Real history. I merely season
it with a smidge more nudity.
History had
a ton of nudity.
Deep exploration.
Steamy wondering.
Will Lovemore and Dash find Queen
Taha's priceless Crown of Fire?
Join them on their search.
So, listen, I wanted to
talk to you about something.
There's so many people.
I know how much you hate
doing these things,
so I've invited Alan to do
the Q and A with you today.
- What?
- And the rest of the book tour.
Beth, I expressly asked not to do any
more events with Dash... Alan, Alan!
- He's gonna humiliate me.
- He's not gonna humiliate you.
Thank you. You're very good at your job.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Let me help you with that.
He is... He's
a body wash commercial.
He's always glistening
all over the place.
There hasn't been an event where
his shirt didn't come flying off.
- You wish.
- Well, he's already here,
so put on your big-girl panties
and let's get out there.
Remember, no grumpy face,
big words or boring academic talk.
Yes! Yes!
Come on, RTP!
Yes, my Lovemore-heads!
I am so excited
to introduce to you
the award-winning author,
Loretta Sage!
- Beth, I can't do this. I'm not ready.
- Are you kidding me?
Listen, I've got your back.
You got this.
Go give the people
what they want.
- It's not me they want.
- Get out there now!
Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you. Thank you.
Yep. Mount it.
Mount it. Mount it.
Find your center.
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
- The sexiest...
- All right!
...most influential hero
of a generation.
That's a bit strong.
His 20th cover
of an Angela Lovemore novel.
Dash McMahon!
Oh, my God! Dash!
- Take a bow.
- I already did mine. I did mine.
Okay, come on.
One more. I got you.
Did you guys rehearse that?
Oh, my God.
I'm loving this chemistry between you
two, and I got to say,
I love this book.
- Oh, thank you, Ray.
- Thank...
Spoiler alert.
A really bold choice
to not have them go
into the tomb at the end.
Talk about
what went into this one.
I mean, this one's such a
special book for me personally.
I... I don't know how to say
how much it means to me
that Loretta,
word writer extraordinaire,
has, you know,
named the book after me.
The Lost City of Dash.
The Lost City of D.
Um, but that's not what
the D stands for.
- It's D for "dick," right?
- No dick, no.
It's based on the name of an ancient
tribe, Dapocagihou-dysphem-ica.
And, um, it was too difficult for
the European colonizers to pronounce,
- so, in true colonial fashion they abbreviated it.
- No one cares about this.
That's so interesting.
How about we take some
questions from the audience?
- Right here, handsome!
- Yes.
- Dash, what's your favorite romantic moment?
- Ooh.
What I would really like to know is what
is Loretta's favorite romantic moment?
Ooh, spicy.
Oh, uh...
Well, being a sapiosexual...
Oh, is that when they do
the snakes around the...
No. That's someone
who finds, uh, intellect
or intelligence,
uh, very sexy, you know.
Dash! Rip off your shirt!
No, no, no. We're not gonna do that today.
We're here for Loretta's book.
Do we have questions
for Loretta?
Uh, yes, studious-looking young lady?
What would you like to ask me?
Can you rip off Dash's shirt?
No, no. We're not gonna
do this again. Sorry.
Rip it off! Rip it off!
Rip it off! Rip it off!
Rip it off!
Of course. Of course, yes.
Can do.
Is this happening?
- You don't have to do this.
- Oh, we have to.
We have to give the people
what they want. Yes, yes.
We have to give the people
what they want, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Because The Lost City of D
is Dash's final adventure.
If there even
is a next book,
it will open with Lovemore
receiving the tragic news
of his untimely death.
- Shit. I'm sorry. My smartwatch is stuck.
- Ow. Hold on.
I know. Don't pull it.
It's okay. Just be real still.
- No. That's pulling it.
- You're pulling it.
You're gonna rip my wig off.
No, you can't...
Oh, my!
- Oh, my God.
- Is he okay?
God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- You're a bad person.
Stick around for the
costume contest at 6:00 p.m.
"If there is another book"?
I'm investing everything we've
got into this tour, okay?
I just don't think I have another
Dash and Lovemore adventure in me.
How does Dash die?
- Was it the snakes?
- No.
Okay, so I have something
that I have to take care of.
You guys have an interview in
the next suite in ten minutes.
So can you please do me a favor
and be grown-ups
and get yourselves there
on your own?
Okay. Thank you so much.
Does he die from
a staph infection?
It is a staph infection.
I knew it.
I-I... All right.
Look, I get it if you
need a break or something,
- but you can't just kill me, okay?
- Okay.
I hate that I have to ask this,
but you do know you're not Dash, right?
Dash is a character
I made up.
Thank you.
- Loretta, it's this way.
- No, I think it's this way.
Can't you see that Dash
means so much to people?
- Means so much to you.
- Not to me.
Well, yeah, to me,
but to other people too.
- What about Beth?
- You know what? Beth is gonna be fine.
She's gonna find plenty fresh,
young writers full of great ideas.
You can transition gracefully
into the shirt-on phase
of your modeling career,
and I can be left alone.
Everybody is happy.
No, it's this way.
Beth says you don't even
leave the house anymore.
I don't feel like
that's very happy.
You should be going out in the world,
filling yourself up on new experiences.
I'm already filled up.
I'm full. I'm fully satiated.
Why would you want to be stuck at home
alone when you could see the world?
You could be visiting
ancient Greece.
Okay. How could I visit
ancient Greece?
I get it. Because
you're afraid of flying.
No. Because ancient Greece
is in the past.
Just like Dash.
Okay. You want to know who else
is stuck in the past? You are.
You're so afraid of life hurting you
again that you've stopped living.
You're like a human mummy.
I didn't, um...
Mummies are human.
Stupid... Oh, crap.
I'm so sorry.
I-I will clean this up.
I am not a litterer,
I-I assure you that.
Do you, um... Do you think you
could, uh, call a car for me, please?
Thank you. Thank you.
Bring the car around.
God, is that
someone's retainer?
I've never said the right thing
one time around her.
I get nervous
because she opens her mouth,
and just an encyclopedia of beautifulness
comes out, and I just never say...
You know
she's trying to kill me?
I just need
those tomatoes.
You're right.
No, you're right.
I should apologize.
Thank you, man.
- I appreciate that very, very much.
- You're welcome.
Uh, Loretta Sage. Yeah.
Uh, I did not order
an UberPool.
Someone wants to meet you.
We'll have you right back.
Loretta! Loretta?
Uh, Loretta?
- Did you say "Loretta"?
- Yeah.
- Follow that SUV, man.
- No.
- Come on, please!
- No, no, no.
I'm not helping any more handsome
strangers. Fool me once. Mm-mmm.
What is this, Taken? Am I "tooken"?
Am I sold already?
Am I...
Am I sold to him?
- Ow. Stop.
- Oh, no. Did this feel creepy?
I said
don't make it creepy, guys.
I'm so sorry
about the setting.
I just flew in.
I was in a real panic to meet you.
I didn't have time
to dress the place up much.
I read you love cheese,
so I just got them all.
Are you the one who's been
emailing me for photos of my feet?
No. Um...
And I promise what I'm about to show
you is gonna make you very happy.
But first, a little bit
about the mysterious rogue
you see before you.
Uh, my name
is Abigail Fairfax.
- Abigail?
- It's a gender-neutral name, like Leslie or Beverly.
Yes, but you're Abigail Fairfax
of the media-mogul Fairfaxes?
Didn't you just
take over your company or...
No, that was my brother, actually.
That was Leslie. We're all very proud.
Ah. Yes, I should say so,
at such a young age to...
Some might even say
too young.
But that world
never really interested me.
My passions, as you may know,
lie in the hidden things
in the world,
things which defy possession.
Um, some might call me
a collector.
But there is one obsession
in particular
that has held me captive.
The Crown of Fire
and its cascading
red diamonds.
Is this a... Is this
a hidden-camera thing?
So imagine my surprise
when, in your new book,
amidst the pages
of coital reverie,
was something...
- Oh, God.
- ...quite magnificent.
I get it. I get it.
I so get it right now.
Oh, my gosh.
I literally thought
you guys kidnapped me.
I mean, this is marketing, right?
Beth set this up?
This was so good, you guys.
This was amazing.
You, with your gun
and your mustache
and your, "You'd better get
in there" and you know...
Oh, my God.
You, with the G.I.
Joe tone-on-tone outfit.
Your fictional archaeologist was making
real translations of a dead language.
- Mm-hmm.
- Something nobody else has been able to do.
Well, nobody else
had ever tried.
Is that right?
Am I saying the right thing?
Except you, right?
Except me!
Yes. See, it turns out
Loretta Sage was once a young
college girl doing her dissertation
on the dead language of the D
with her future husband,
dreaming of finding Kalaman's
tomb and the Crown of Fire.
I was sorry to read you gave
up your search after he died.
But what that means is,
you're all I have left.
All-All you have left
for... what?
Here we go.
What is this?
I believe it is describing the
exact location of Kalaman's tomb,
in which Taha and her
priceless headdress are buried.
Well, if this were authentic,
you would still have to
uncover an entire city
that nobody
has been able to find.
I found it.
On a tiny, forgotten island in
the Atlantic called Isla Hundida.
What I have not been able to find
is Kalaman's final resting place.
This piece of parchment is the
only clue we found among the ruins.
I need someone
who can decipher these symbols.
I need you.
- Well...
- Miss Sage,
surely this isn't how
you want your story to end.
We both had our dreams crushed
by bad luck,
or in my case,
an arse-kissing little brother,
but this is our chance
to show them all.
Come with me...
to the island.
Translate these symbols and
help me find the Crown of Fire.
You can name your price.
I must respectfully decline.
I can't say
I'm not disappointed.
But I understand
how you feel.
Will you at least let us
give you a ride?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'll call for my own car, and I'll just...
I don't feel like you're listening
to me. This is urgent, and we...
Okay, so the police are saying
that they put out an APB...
- APB.
- ...on an SUV,
- and there's this 24-hour rule...
- Why is there a rule?
- ...and they won't do anything until...
- What about the FBI or the CIA?
- They said to call the police.
- I'm sure Loretta's fine.
When I was in college,
my friend Nicki went missing.
Everyone was, like,
freaking out.
But then she was just
in her car.
She was dead, but we found her.
She wasn't gone.
Um, what about...
Maybe we could get a PI
or, like, you know,
private security or...
What about an extraction team,
like the movie?
Yes! But who does that?
The ex-military, right?
Oh, yeah. I think I actually
have somebody that could help us.
- Oh.
- I did this meditation retreat,
and there was this
trainer guy there.
You should
see this guy meditate.
But he's ex-Navy SEAL.
He... He's a special ops trainer.
What was his name?
Yeah. Jack Trainer.
So he's a trainer
named Jack Trainer?
That's how I have everybody in my phone.
See, "Janice Mom."
"Larry Doorknob."
"Stacy Butt Stuff."
Look, this is what this guy does.
He finds people.
If there's anybody
that can help us, it's him.
- Jack Trainer.
- Oh, so his name is actually Jack Trainer.
Hi, uh, this is Alan
from "Touching Your Inner Self."
The meditation retreat?
Anyway, uh, okay.
Our friend Loretta has been kidnapped,
and no one's helping us.
How long she been missing?
Maybe two hours now.
Who is that?
Um, this is B...
This is Beth. I'm Beth.
And Allison
is on too, sir.
Did she have any
Wi-Fi-enabled devices?
- She's got her phone, right?
- No, I have her phone.
Oh! She has a smartwatch.
It ripped my wig off.
What was that scenario?
Never mind. Open the phone.
- Go to the smartwatch app.
- All right.
Then hit "Find My Smartwatch."
Oh, my... That is so good.
That's why we called.
"Anticipate the difficult
by managing the easy."
- Is that Oprah or Deepak?
- Laozi from Tao-te Ching.
Oh, my God.
It's in the Atlantic.
- She's on a plane?
- How can you tell that?
'Cause she can't swim
that fast.
Doesn't sound
like a ransom scenario.
My guess is blood sport,
Hunger Games type situation.
Possibly some coke-fueled
dark web scavenger hunt.
Real clown shit.
We'll have to move fast.
- How do we pay you?
- Cryptocurrency. Cash App.
I'll have her back within 48
hours or your next rescue is free.
How many people
need a next rescue?
More than you'd think.
- I'm gonna need that phone.
- I'll bring it to you.
Let me know where she lands.
I'll meet you there, Alan.
Where am I?
Um, you're on my plane.
It's nice, isn't it? Hmm?
The seats are made of
mama llama leather.
Well, I'm getting off
your plane.
Unchain me!
That's your seat belt.
Did you chloroform me?
People actually do that?
Well, you know,
it's a classic for a reason.
My body feels drunk.
It'll wear off in a bit.
I am sorry.
I just couldn't wait around
for you to change your mind.
- Stop playing jelly.
- Time is not on our side.
You see, the volcano
we're excavating around
has developed
a bad case of indigestion.
I'm rather worried that when it blows,
everything that's left of the
Lost City will be destroyed.
Oh, my God.
My legs don't work.
So, this is our last chance to
find both the tomb and the crown.
- Oh, God.
- Oh!
Don't worry.
That's just our final descent.
But it is the beginning of the
greatest adventure of your life.
Welcome to the Lost City.
How did you find it?
So, the city was built
on a lava dome.
As the volcano became active,
the dome filled with lava,
and sunken things
rose to the surface.
The D exposed itself.
- The entire city?
- No, no. Just the tip.
As soon as I heard rumors of the ruins,
I flew over and bought the place.
- The site?
- No. The island. The southern half.
I got a good deal 'cause
this is where the lava flows.
We've been excavating
for a year now.
One doesn't kidnap a
romance novelist on day one.
Ah, yes, as the saying goes.
Rafi doesn't like it.
Do you, Rafi?
He says we're
disrespecting his heritage.
But not a lot of other job options
on the island, are there, Rafi?
Beggars can't be choosers.
No more charcuterie,
I take it.
Mmm. Please.
I'm not a monster.
Whatever you need, just shout.
Uh, leave one hand free.
She has some translating to do.
And then what?
Loretta, I really wish
you would try and see
what an exciting opportunity
this is for us.
I believe this text describes
the exact location of the tomb.
It's a logographic system.
Like cuneiform or hieroglyphics.
Now, if you have other documents
that possibly I can compare...
Yeah, no luck there.
We found some scratching
at a nearby waterfall,
but it was useless.
Just pictures of women.
Look, I, too, wish your dear
old dead archaeologist husband
was here to help,
but he's not, so,
time to shine, Loretta,
sex-book writer.
They will come for me.
Who, exactly?
Your... Your many cats?
Oh, I don't have cats.
Somehow even more sad.
I have a hamster, asshole!
You have a hamster's asshole?
No, there was a...
there was a comma between... Forget it.
I bet your brother never had
to kidnap anyone!
Good to see you, man.
- Phone.
- Right.
Yeah, I was thinking
that I could, you know,
maybe just sort of
come with you.
- Why?
- To help.
I know CPR. I know some light karate.
CrossFit certified.
Okay, okay, listen, listen!
I just... It's my fault.
Not the kidnapping
and stuff,
but, like, I said some really mean
stuff to her, and I regret it,
and I just need
to take it back.
I called her a human mummy.
Mummies are human.
I'm aware of that now, yes.
That is true.
All right, Alan,
I can't be responsible for you.
Okay. Yeah.
- I need you to stay in the car.
- Yeah.
- In the car.
- In the car.
- The whole time.
- The whole time?
Whole time.
This is me.
Really? Is this what
the SEAL teams use?
"Only a fool chooses a horse
by its color."
Right, right.
The Tao-te Ching?
No, it was on the sign
back there at the rental place.
Thank you.
What? What?
I was hoping to invite you
to breakfast,
but it looks like
you still have work to do.
Uh, wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I believe this says
"rest" or "resting."
So it would be,
"Kalaman and his treasure..."
And then there are some missing
pieces, and then "rest," "resting,"
and something about
"tears," so...
Resting where?
Hmm? Oh!
Didn't say.
It doesn't say.
Miss Sage,
I need you to do better.
Then next time maybe don't
kidnap a romance novelist, hmm?
My God,
this shouldn't be this hard!
It is not some pauper's grave
we're looking for.
It is a monument to a great man!
King Kalaman was ambitious,
he was powerful,
he was the first man to
build a city in the Atlantic.
The eyes of his subjects
would have turned to him.
He would have had a pyramid,
a ziggurat, a tower
to hold his Crown of Fire.
All I need to know
is where it is.
I don't know if you recall,
but you only said translate it.
I-I translated it.
Translate it again.
One day, we're gonna laugh about this.
Such an adventure
we're having.
I should go with you,
just for backup and awesomeness.
This is pretty awesome.
You got nature, the radio.
Yeah, you're right, but it's
very, very important to me
that she knows
that I came to rescue her.
Do you like this woman?
No, I just brought snacks
and stuff.
And she gets a little grumpy
when she's hungry.
Blood pressure drops. And I get that
because I'm a five-meal-a-day kind of guy.
Do you keto, by the way?
You look like you keto.
- No.
- No. Yeah.
You don't need it.
What is it?
I just want her to think of me
as more than a cover model.
But, Alan, you are so much more.
You're my lookout.
Okay, can I at least do the part
where I put her in the car
and I just go,
"Shh. You're safe now"?
Sure, champ.
She'll love that.
Oh, you're just going?
Going to start?
You're starting
the mission now? Okay.
Go to sleep.
- Alan.
- What?
This is a breach of trust, Alan.
I can help. Let me help.
Stay close. Stay alive.
Go to sleep.
I got his head. What do I do with his head?
I'm just gonna set him down.
Hey, hey, no!
No, no, no!
Ooh, yeah! Ooh.
Teamwork, yeah!
Great effort, Alan, but that man
was already unconscious.
I was already wound up.
Just don't do it
when I'm...
On your seven!
Trainer, he's not asleep!
Stay... Stay down. Stay down.
- You're doing great.
- Thanks.
Where you going?
Loretta Sage?
I'm getting you out of here.
- Why are you so handsome?
- My dad was a weatherman.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing here?
- Uh, irregardless, I'm here to save you.
- That's not...
- I think he meant "regardless."
- Yes.
Ooh, uh, does she need saving in there,
Trainer? I think she's fine there.
No, no, leave it. Don't take their stuff.
They'll come after us.
Alan, why do you
keep doing that?
Why do you keep doing that?
I had that one.
It's just getting mean now.
It's unnecessary.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to get one in.
- Excuse me. Would it be possible to remove me from the chair?
- No time.
No time? There's been so much chitchat.
We should definitely go.
Let's go! Let's go!
Why are things exploding?
I got...
Shh. You're safe now.
How... How are you so calm?
- That was my... That was my line.
- Here.
- What?
- Is that Reiki?
- Are you healing me?
- I think so.
- Ah.
- As Laozi says, "To the mind that is still..."
- "...the whole universe surrenders."
- Hey, yeah, I know some...
I know some, um,
quotes that could be good for this moment.
In omnia paratus.
"Ready for anything."
Maybe we shouldn't be just staring
lovingly into each other's eyes
like you're gonna fall in love
like I'm not here.
Who are you?
Just a guy
trying to do his job.
And right now, that job
is to get this lovely lady...
Oh! Oh.
Oh, God. Okay.
No. What is happening?
Okay. What do we do?
We need to do... I can't see.
I don't like it!
Here. Here!
- Why would you throw a gun?
- Seriously?
- Get me out of the chair.
- I can't. We don't have time.
Gotta squeeze!
You got to do a Kegel or something!
- Kegel it!
- What do you think a Kegel is?
I'm not in it, not in!
Still not in!
- You got to go in more.
- Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, God. Get in the car, get in the car!
Start the car! Start the car!
- Go, go.
- Move your leg.
- Which one?
- Both of them! Move them!
- Forward, forward!
- Okay. Okay.
- I'm going! I'm going! Okay!
- Drive!
Shh. You're safe now. Shh.
- Shh. You're safe now.
- No, I'm not. Not safe.
Oh, no, am I bleeding?
- I don't think that's yours.
- Oh, no, that's a lot of blood.
Cheese and rice!
- Are those his brains?
- What?
I think his brains
are on my face!
Definitely his brains are in my mouth.
I can taste his thoughts!
Focus on the road.
He just liked
training people. Trainer.
- What are you talking about?
- He loved me.
Can you just scooch the car
over to the left?
- Get it off. Get it off.
- Oh, God.
Watch out!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, did you see...
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, holy Christmas.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Do you think you could
get me out of here?
Yeah. Okay.
- You just flew out of the car.
- I did. I did, indeed.
Okay. I got you.
I got you.
Can you get me out of the chair?
Get me out of the chair.
You're right.
You're right. You're right.
- Is that... Is that a nail filer?
- Yeah.
- Can you just rip it?
- It's working.
And maybe next time
I toss a gun at you,
you can catch it
instead of ducking.
How about the next time you toss a gun
at me, you say, "Hey, Alan, catch"?
Then maybe do that
before you throw it?
Well, "here"
is a synonym for "catch."
No, "here" is not a cinnamon
for "catch."
In a colloquial kind of way,
yes, it is.
You say, "Here,"
I toss you a sweatshirt.
You say, "Here,"
I toss you a pen.
How 'bout just,
"Hey! Catch! Gun!"
Anything that you want to throw,
I'll catch it because you said, "Catch."
And I'll catch it
because you said it.
That is also an option,
and then we would have a gun with us.
That's a thing.
- Be careful.
- Okay, we need to call...
Be careful.
We need to call for help,
get to the airport and get out of here.
- And I am driving.
- Okay.
Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Okay, call for...
call for help.
Where's your phone?
- Tell me you caught them.
- I tagged the blond one.
Oh, Loretta.
What are you thinking?
You might've killed one of them,
but his partner's still with her.
And he is clearly skilled,
highly trained
and very dangerous.
So, Miss Sage said
she was gonna leave the event,
then got in a car
and left the event?
- Did you try calling her?
- She doesn't have her phone.
- Stolen phone.
- Didn't say that.
Where's my magnifier?
Listen, can you please
help with Nana?
I don't want her hearing about Loretta
'cause it's going to upset her.
- What about Loretta?
- Nothing, Nana. She just went on a trip.
- Good.
- Yeah.
That girl needed
to get out of the house.
So, this is the thing.
Loretta's phone is not stolen. I took it.
I gave it to Alan. Alan then gave
it to the trainer, uh, Jack Trainer.
And that is how we found
her wearable.
- And who's Alan?
- Dash.
- What's that?
- He's the hero in all of her books.
- Nana. Hey, slut.
- Mm-mmm.
Let's go in the other room and talk
about whichever war you lived through.
Okay. Come on, it'll be fun.
I'm sorry. It'll be fun.
Loretta Sage is missing.
When I looked at her smartwatch,
it said that she had flown
to some island
I've never even heard about.
That means y'all need
to do something about this.
And if you can't, I will,
and that won't look good for you.
Pretty sure that's
outside our jurisdiction.
- You'd have to call the Feds.
- Okay.
And if you do go to the Feds,
put in a good word for me.
- For me.
- For us.
Oh, oh.
What are you gonna do,
put the car back together?
Well... we could...
- Where did you say the phone was?
- Passenger glove.
- What?
- Passenger glove compartment.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. No phone, no car.
We're so gonna die out...
- Here.
- What is this?
Boots for the jungle.
It's not exactly
hiking boots, but...
I figured your feet would be killing
you after wearing heels for this long.
It was the best we could do.
They're Allison's. Sorry.
Oh. Okay, well, thank you.
Here, oh, I got you cheese.
- Oh, my God.
- You got to stay hydrated.
- Thank you so much.
- They didn't have glass bottles,
so we'll definitely
hold onto it and recycle.
Okay, so what we need to do is find a
phone, we need to call the authorities,
and we need to wait here until
somebody comes and rescues us.
Uh... This...
This is the rescue.
No one else is coming.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm the rescue.
It was originally just gonna be me,
then I was like, Trainer should come.
Oh, Trainer. Rest in peace.
So, our best bet is to get to the airport.
See this road right here?
From this area, just take a shortcut
through the jungle to the road.
Did you just say "shortcut
through the jungle"?
- Yeah.
- Okay, do you see us?
- Uh-huh.
- You are not Dash, and I'm not Lovemore. Okay?
I'm Loretta, and you are Alan.
- And jungles eat people like us, okay?
- Eat people.
And I don't want to mess up the jumpsuit.
It's on loan. So we're gonna stay put.
We're not just gonna
stand around here, okay?
We're gonna go
through the jungle,
we're gonna go to the airport
and find a phone,
- so you can have your cake and get what you want.
- "And eat it too"?
If that's what you want to do
with your cake, fine. Let's go.
- That's the only thing you do with cake.
- Not mine.
I don't know what your people
do, but my people eat it.
You could give it
to someone as a gift.
Those people
are still going to eat the cake.
Everybody eats cake.
What about the kind
people jump out of?
- They don't eat it, when they're in it.
- Oh, my God.
What did they
kidnap you for anyhow?
Is it some weird sex stuff
like Taken?
Oh, my God, thank you.
I thought so too,
but the guy's one of the Fairfaxes.
- Beverly?
- No, the older one.
The really odd one that had the vlog
on finding Montezuma's treasure.
The dude that was on the news
for trying to raise the Titanic?
he's looking for the Crown of Fire.
Wait a minute. Like the actual
Crown of Fire? Like the one...
- So those ruins were...
- They were the Lost City of D, yes.
- What? Are you kidding me right now?
- Shh.
This is like your book.
So we're basically on a Lovemore
and Dash adventure right now?
What is that?
What if Fairfax
actually finds the crown?
He won't. He won't.
- Where do we go?
- Uh...
Oh, oh, oh.
Okay, uh, we need
to get in the water.
- W-What?
- We need to go by river.
No, no,
I don't really do water.
What do you mean, "do water"?
I'm not asking you to procreate with it.
Uh, my body and water
don't really go together.
How do you feel about dying? Oh, God.
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're okay. You're okay.
- I got you. Fine.
- I can swim. I can swim. Thank you very much.
- Where are you going?
- I'm crossing.
No, we have to stay
in the water.
I researched aquatic counter-tracking
for my book, A Year in the Bush.
They'll lose our tracks
in the water.
Why is it warm here?
Wait, are you peeing?
Just go around it.
Okay, I think...
I think
we lost them, right?
Yeah. That wasn't so bad.
Okay, uh...
- Don't panic.
- What do you mean, don't panic?
- Just don't panic.
- No.
Stop saying "panic."
I'm panicking now.
You have something
on your back.
- Stop screaming.
- What is that?
- What is that?
- Stop screaming.
- Do you have any on you?
- No. No.
Why don't you have any
on you?
Maybe the jumpsuit scared them off.
I don't know.
- Get 'em off.
- Oh, my God.
Okay. No, I can't touch
those blood-gorged mucous sacks.
- Can you fling it?
- Right now.
- Get it.
- Just pick it and fling it.
- Just pick it and fling it.
- You pick it and fling it!
- Can you spin it off?
- Please, get it off.
I don't like touching it.
I'm feeling faint.
- They're sucking my soul out.
- Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.
Don't make that sound.
How many of them are there?
Oh, there's not many.
- It feels like there's so many.
- What are you...
- I feel so many.
- Oh!
- Holy mother of God!
- Why are you praying?
Is it that bad? It can't be that bad.
Is it that bad? How many?
It's not great.
They're gonna suck
every bit of me out.
Just please stop speaking.
I just need to... need to get low.
Hold on a second.
Oh, God! I can feel them just...
they're just sucking out so much.
I'm gonna be like a shriveled-up
skin sack when they're done.
You cannot tell my dad
I died this way, okay?
You gotta tell him I was wrestling an
anaconda with a sword or something.
I'm like a blood Jamba Juice.
They're just sucking it all out.
Why are they all
on my butt though?
Kind of like picking anchovies
off my Caesar salad.
- It's actually not so bad.
- Anchovies?
Why do you go to food
right now?
Just find the queen,
and let's be done with this.
Think you're good.
I need to just check your front.
Okay. I can't look.
Is it bad?
- Uh, wow.
- What is it? Just say it.
I mean, you expect it to,
you know, not...
Then suddenly there it is,
and it is, uh...
- You know, you get excited for a person.
- What?
- I mean, I'm excited for all people.
- Why are you excited?
Well, you know, people
wonder, they wonder,
but they don't know, right?
They don't,
until suddenly they do know,
and then they... they know
something that wasn't known before.
Do I have any leeches or not?
Oh, your plucky warrior hangs
in tranquil solitude.
No, you're good.
You're good.
We were so brave just then.
Why do they go for the butt
so much?
What's that song
you're singing?
A song my abbi used to sing
to me when I was a kid.
- "If you suck life from the island...
- Yeah?
...the island
will suck of you."
Your grandma sang you songs about
getting sucked off by an island?
It doesn't translate
super well.
Is phantom leech syndrome,
like, a thing?
They don't lay eggs,
do they?
Queen Taha?
"King Kalaman
and his treasure laid to rest...
laid to rest
in the well of endless tears.
Laid to rest in
the well of endless tears."
- What does that mean?
- Loretta!
You gave me
a heart attack.
Where'd you go?
What is this?
I'm not sure,
but maybe they gathered here?
Can you imagine
being right here,
right in this very spot
back then?
The stories
that they told?
So much history I'm sure
happened right here.
They've got us cornered.
- Okay. We've got to go up. Come on.
- What?
Have you seen what I'm wearing?
I'm in a glitter straitjacket.
There's nowhere to go but up.
Come on. Let's go.
Oh! I should not be doing this.
I'm too old for this.
No, you're not.
You're beautiful.
I didn't say I'm not beautiful.
I said I'm too old
to be doing this.
My skill is sitting and thinking
and eating when I can't think.
Yeah, you definitely could be
wearing better shoes for this.
You brought me
these shoes.
I can't go any further.
I can't go any further.
I'm not doing
so great here.
You got it. Come on.
I know you think
that you're safer holding on,
but you have to keep going.
- I can't. I can't, I can't.
- Okay?
- Do you smell that?
- Smell what?
- I smell something.
- Is it a predator? What is it?
- A downward cascading fire?
- You got to smell deeper.
I don't smell anything!
Take a big, deep breath.
All right.
- Good job.
- Okay.
- That was manipulative. Thank you.
- Yeah, it was.
Here we go. I'm gonna help you
out a little bit, all right?
- One, two, three... Here we go!
- What are you doing?
- Get out of there.
- Come on.
- No, no, don't flex.
- That's my hoo-hoo.
Just ride the head.
Keep the hands moving and ride the head.
- Oh, God.
- You're doing great.
Sorry about the scratchy haircut.
Come on.
Dulcius ex asperis.
What was that?
Oh, nothing.
It was just something
that John and I would say
after we finished
something big, like a...
like an archaeological dig
or a manuscript.
It's Latin. It means
"sweeter after difficulty."
What's Latin
for "Loretta's a badass"?
I am a badass.
I climbed a mountain.
Oh, my God. I wish Beth
could've seen us do this.
- Oh, God. Beth.
- Don't worry about Beth.
She's probably got the whole
navy after us right now.
I get that you think you have
to go to the island authorities yourself,
but don't worry, I'm keeping
Loretta's socials super active.
Just tweeted,
"Did I just get kidnapped?
#FML, @ShawnMendes,
And you're traveling alone?
Yes, I'm traveling alone.
Mm-hmm. I'm single.
Then this might work.
- Okay! Talk to me.
- You'll hit New York.
From there, you'll fly to Guinea,
where you can pick up a puddle jumper.
A what?
- Small plane.
- Yeah, no leg room.
That's fine. I'll take it.
- Or you could just come home.
- Thank you.
We need something more flammable.
Everything is just so wet.
What's in here?
What's in your bag?
- Uh...
- Oh, a lot. Okay.
What are you doing?
Okay. Face masks.
Yeah, that was like
a gift-basket thing.
You brought a scented candle
into the jungle?
My mom gave me that.
It was like a weird gift
for Mother's Day.
Your mom gives you gifts
for Mother's Day?
Eucalyptus rosemary oil.
Oh, that smells good.
Um... Oh, okay. All right.
Whoo! Yes!
Yes, I made fire!
- That's pretty impressive. You have to...
- It is a beautiful fire.
Who would have thought?
Oh, you're just, um,
taking your shirt off?
That looks
really uncomfortable.
Are you okay? The back?
Yeah. That is why
I don't do water.
- Okay.
- My body becomes an eighth-grader's face.
Do you have anything for it?
Like some ointment or something?
Yeah, I do. Well, I did.
It was in a little,
tiny little bottle.
It was this. I'm sorry.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
- Hold on. Yes. Come here. Come here.
- What?
- Come here. Sit down.
- Let me see.
- Just sit down.
- Right here?
Oh, no, you don't have to touch it.
It's okay. It's fine.
I touched
your engorged sacks, so...
- The leeches.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, this might be
a little bit cold.
- Sorry.
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Maybe this is how
Dash should die.
Horrible eczema outbreak.
That's so sexy.
I could make it work.
All right, then.
How would you write this?
by the fragrant fire..."
- Starting strong.
- Mm-hmm.
"Lovemore's hands
explored the...
the contoured scenery
of Dash's body.
Familiar terrain made
new and exciting
with every...
with every scarlet rim."
And that didn't, uh...
didn't turn her off?
"Because with every
cardinal ridge,
Lovemore discovered
another letter in the language
that only their bodies spoke."
And what were
their bodies saying?
"Take me...
take me,
take me."
How's that?
It was good.
- Your back. I mean, how is your back?
- Good.
- Okay. You sure?
- Yeah.
- I also meant my back. Right there, yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm chilly. I think I'm gonna
probably turn in in a little bit.
- Okay.
- You good?
Yeah, I'm fire... fine.
I'm fine.
I'm not "fire."
I'm fine by the fire.
Okay. All right.
Uh, it's up to you,
but if you're cold,
maybe we could probably both fit in
here, if you wanted to.
Both of us?
- Only if you want to. I mean, it's just...
- Yeah, no, that sounds...
Okay. How do you...
You can go first,
then I'll figure it out.
No, no, you go. It's definitely a
"ladies first" type of situation.
- Keep hands out of the bag at all times.
- That's what I was gonna do.
- Butt to butt.
- Hands out and butt to butt.
- Yeah. What do I do?
- Just get in. Go ahead and sit.
I sit first?
Okay. I'm in.
You're too heavy. You're gonna
flip this thing like a cruise ship.
You watch yourself.
Hold on. I'm not in.
Why is this engaging
my core so much?
How 'bout you shimmy?
- I can't breathe. I'm not breathing.
- Are you good?
My face.
Yeah. Okay.
Hands are out. Butt to butt.
Come on.
Come on! Let's hear it!
Let's give a nice round
of applause to Loretta!
She earned it.
A geriatric shut-in left you
holding your dicks in the jungle.
Good job, Loretta.
Boss, come on.
People are dying now.
Don't you think that maybe
this has all gone too far?
Is it really worth it?
I am on the cusp
of attaining the unattainable.
Something singular,
something no nation,
no emperor,
no brownnosing brothers ever have.
The legendary Crown of Fire.
So, yes.
Yes, I would definitely say
it's worth it.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, sir. I need to get
to my next connecting flight.
No flight.
The pilot is sick.
Come tomorrow.
No, no, sir. I cannot come tomorrow.
I need to do this today.
I need to get to the island Isla
Hundida tonight. Lives are at stake.
Come tomorrow.
- Excuse me, miss?
- Yes?
I couldn't help but overhear
you say that you like steak.
Okay, this is
a little bit crazy,
but I also like steak.
- What?
- I also like steak.
Would you like to, maybe,
I don't know...
- Maybe there's a...
- No. "Lives are at stake."
I need to go
to the island tonight.
- Ah.
- Yes.
- Even more serious.
- Extremely.
Well, I believe that I
may be able to assist you.
I have a cargo plane.
Maybe after I make my delivery,
we could swing by your island.
I'm about to ask you something,
and you better tell me the truth.
Have you ever
murdered anyone before?
I don't know if I really buy it,
but let me tell you something.
If you ever think about murdering me,
I promise, I will murder you first.
My pleasure.
You are weird. Let's go.
"King Kalaman and his treasure
laid to rest in the well
of endless tears."
What is that?
Oh, it's a... it's a thing.
I mean, it's not, uh...
You know, it's not
what you think it is.
So it's not Fairfax's fragment
of an ancient parchment?
It's what you think it is.
Loretta, I thought
you were smarter than that.
Fairfax is never
gonna stop hunting us now.
What were you thinking?
We have a volcano
that could bury the tomb
before we get to it, before we see
it, before we preserve its memory.
- This is...
- I'm sorry. Is that what we're doing?
'Cause no one told me.
When were you gonna tell me?
Why would I tell you?
We're in this together.
I came here to rescue you.
You know you're not Dash,
You don't ride in on a white
horse to rescue people.
You... spray yourself with bronzer and
you stand in front of wind machines,
which is great for you.
How would you have any idea
what I'm actually like?
I know you. You're
a pretty open book, Alan.
- Okay, then who am I?
- Really?
O... Okay, uh...
You were a homecoming king and you
coasted on your good looks to LA,
but then realized that being the most
handsome kid in the middle of nowhere
doesn't mean
you're going to be a star.
Until one day, when a woman
who couldn't publish her book
on Spanish colonization in the Atlantic
decided to write a romance novel,
uh, chose you at random
to be on the cover.
Lucky for you and her,
the novels were a smashing success.
She kept writing her schlock,
you kept posing,
um, you know, neither one of us
becoming who we'd hoped we would be.
Uh, and then one day,
we both die in the jungle
on one of those Atlantic islands
I wrote about all those years ago.
It was Sarasota, by the way.
It's not nowhere.
I grew up there with
my mom and two sisters.
And yeah...
I started modeling
'cause I wanted to get away.
It was the only job
that I could think of
that could take me to all of the
places that I always dreamed of going.
Then finally to Los Angeles,
where I posed on the cover
of your romance novel.
And I was so embarrassed that one
of my friends might've seen me
in that wig
on the cover of your book
that I avoided talking to them
for months.
And then one day,
I'm walking home,
and I hear this lady yell,
She runs up,
and she is so happy.
Then I thought,
"How could I be this embarrassed
about something
that makes people this happy?"
Loretta, you can do
whatever you want.
If you don't want to write
anymore, don't write.
But don't minimize the people that
love your work by calling it schlock.
That's not fair to them.
You know what's ironic?
I thought you of all people would know
not to judge a book
by its cover.
Judge a book
by its cover model.
There's two of them.
- Loretta! I'm over here!
- Alan!
Alan! Motorcycles and guns,
motorcycles and guns!
Come on, this way!
Stop shooting!
- Just give 'em the parchment!
- I can't.
Yes, you can, actually.
You just say, "Here," and throw it at 'em.
Right. And then I'm sure
they'll happily let us go.
- Okay, keep down.
- How do they keep finding us?
- You're basically a walking disco ball.
- We need to come up with a plan.
I have an idea.
We're gonna dig a hole,
throw our voices.
"We're over here."
Can you sound like a bird?
- No, I have a plan.
- Alan, please, I'm thinking.
- I know, but I have a plan.
- Please, just let me think about...
- Wait a minute. They're shooting at you.
- Yeah, that's why we're hiding.
No. No, no, no.
They're shooting only at you.
They won't shoot me.
It's my brain that's valuable.
What? I don't think you actually
hear the things you say sometimes.
- Maybe I can shield you.
- You are not shielding me.
- I should be shielding you.
- Why? Because I'm a woman?
- That's supremely sexist.
- Well, look, I don't think using women as human shields
is exactly the change that Gloria
Seinfeld had in mind, do you?
- Gloria Steinem?
- Whatever. Her too. You know what? Fine.
- Please mansplain sexism to me right now.
- Oh, my God. I am a woman.
I can't mansplain anything.
Uh, I'm a feminist, and I think a
woman can do anything a man can do.
- We just need to stay here until they get tired.
- I have an idea.
- Please can I tell you my plan?
- Alan!
This is not a situation you can get
out of by ripping your shirt off.
Not my shirt.
- Yes!
- Oh!
That was different
than I had in my head.
- I just wanted us to stop them.
- Could it have been the wind that made it do that?
No, I think it was us.
I think... we did it.
We did the one guy, right?
But that was, like...
We just wanted him to stop. But I think
the other guy could've moved, really.
So, that was...
that one was on him.
Even if we weren't here,
that could've happened.
Why are you gonna stop
next to a cliff?
They were wearing helmets,
so maybe they're...
But the rest of their body
didn't have a helmet.
So there'd just be a head.
They were driving
recklessly, right?
Don't be mean on a bike.
Don't do mean stuff on a bike.
I mean,
perhaps they're fine.
Yeah, probably not.
But that's okay.
That's all right.
You know, things happen. Let's go.
- You gonna put it back together?
- It's on loan.
- Look at me.
- Okay.
What more can I do,
you know?
You've done so much already,
My poor, sweet, little Nana
has lost her sight.
The book release
is a complete disaster,
which I've leveraged
everything on,
so I'm probably,
most definitely broke right now.
And most importantly,
I've lost a writer.
Who does that?
Who loses a writer?
Okay, Beth, you remind me
of my best friend, Randy.
Always looking out
for other people,
never taking care of herself.
Isn't that right, Randy?
She's like my therapist,
this one over here.
LOL. "Laughing Out Loud."
After you take care
of your friend,
how about we go to a beach?
- What?
- Look, I have a pickup in Hawaii.
She doesn't have to come.
Okay! Okay, you can come!
She's hilarious.
Let me ask you something.
We're all sitting here chitchatting,
but who's flying the plane?
- Autopilot.
- What?
Sir, go to the cockpit,
fly the plane.
I'm going to
go land the plane.
No, no, no. Take the goat.
Please, take the goat.
She's on break.
Enjoy the flight!
- Hi.
- Hola.
This English dude came in
and basically kidnapped her.
Hey, it's Beth. Please leave a message,
and I'll get right back to you.
Uh, hi, Beth.
It's me.
Uh, I'm alive!
Uh, listen, um...
I'm sorry that I
blew up the book tour.
I was just afraid
and selfish. Uh...
Oh, here comes Alan.
I'll call you back.
So, uh, police
are searching for Fairfax,
and they're gonna provide us
protection while we're here.
Did they say
how long we'd be here?
They're gonna try to get us on a
puddle jumper later this evening.
But, uh, they said in the
meantime, the inn is really nice,
and we can get cleaned up
and maybe a change of clothes.
Okay. Yeah.
Thank you.
Come on.
Dance with your husband.
- No, no, no.
- He's not my husband.
- It's okay.
- Dance with him.
No, no. She doesn't want to.
She doesn't have the right shoes.
Actually, it's the only thing
these shoes are right for.
You don't have to do this.
It's okay. It's okay.
I wonder
what she's saying.
It's folklore.
Love song about a woman
whose lover died,
and she didn't want to leave his side.
So she laid down
and refused to get up.
Must be scary.
Having to face your future without
the person that you planned it with.
What was that?
Excuse me. Excuse me. The, um...
the last line that you sang.
Quin llorar junto a m?
"The island will weep for
me in the well of endless tears."
What is that, the well of endless tears?
Is that a real place, or...
Sinkhole place.
Thank you. Gracias, gracias.
- Come here, come here.
- What is it?
Hey, on the parchment,
it said,
"King Kalaman and his treasure laid
to rest in the well of endless tears."
I thought
maybe it was a metaphor.
It's not.
The Well of Endless Tears
is a place.
It's a sinkhole.
There's a sinkhole
on the map.
I think the tomb is there.
- This is so much better than your books.
- What?
There's like...
No, I don't mean any offense.
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- It's, like, equal.
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- Look at you. You want to go there.
- What? No.
- I can see. Yes, you do.
That would be insane. That would be insane.
I just... I just...
It's just that we're so close to
it, but, you know, we can't...
This is your story.
How do you want to write it?
I'd like to know
that it's there,
that all this
meant something.
Okay. Then let's go.
We'll stay one more day.
As soon as the sun's up,
we're gonna go find
the Well of Endless Tears.
- But what if it's nothing?
- So what? Then we say we tried.
And Fairfax?
The cops are after Fairfax.
Don't worry about him.
This is crazy.
- Yeah, but look at you.
- What?
It's the very first time I've
ever seen you totally unafraid.
And alive.
I'm gonna go tell them our plans
have changed and find us a ride.
Where are you going?
I see you met
my friend here.
He told me you were just
about to jump on a plane,
without so much as
saying goodbye.
I said, "No way.
Not my Loretta.
Not when she's the only one
who can lead me to the tomb."
Stop squeezing so hard.
Ow. Get your hands off of me!
Ow! Let go!
I-I need a car.
A car, an auto.
Does anybody have an auto?
No, no. No.
I-I-I need an auto.
I'll trade you my watch.
It's a really expensive watch.
Do you have a car?
It's a Bulgari.
This thing glows in the dark.
- It's waterproof.
- I have motorcycle.
Cool, isn't it?
I always thought, why can't your
personal tank also have a minibar?
Have a drink.
Do you mind?
Uh, yes.
He has a bit of a grudge
against you, I'm afraid.
Something about a motorbike
accident his friends had?
Why are you doing this?
I want something
nobody else has.
When my father gifted...
As I was saying,
when my father gifted
his empire
to my baby brother...
Who is that?
Is that a Ken doll
on a moped?
I know him from somewhere.
Oh, I-I-I doubt that.
Because what
you are looking at
is a highly trained
combat specialist,
forged in the furnaces
of Afghanistan, Iraq,
Kuwait, Sa... Sarasota...
Incredible skin.
No eczema problems.
And he will not stop
until I am safe!
So you pull
this space tank over,
unless you would like to perish
like his friends did.
And he is responsible
for their perishment.
He might not have meant to,
but they... perished, so...
Okay, who-who is this?
I have seen him
somewhere before.
No, no, no.
That's your cover model,
isn't it?
Yes. I knew
I knew him from somewhere.
Get up there.
And kill him creatively.
I love watching hunks fail.
I guess I-I will
have that drink.
Oh, shit.
Is it okay
if I just top 'er off?
Yeah, that's fine, but...
Oh, my God,
have you used a glass before?
What would
Jack Trainer do?
It's hot in here.
Anyone else feeling
how hot it is?
Are you trying to be sexy?
This is very weird.
Please, stop.
I could set your world
on fire.
Go to sleep! Go to sleep!
Go to sleep! Sleep!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No! Don't shoot her!
I need her!
Oh, Jesus!
Ow, ow, ow.
Move your foot! Move your foot!
Go to sleep, asshole.
Get out there! Look!
A bigger guy?
Oh, no.
Move it!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Hey! Get in.
Him or me?
This is not one of your cheap,
vapid lady-fantasy books, Loretta.
This is real life.
And we will kill him.
Tell us where the tomb is.
So, whoever's in charge,
I need you to send
officials to go here.
We are closed.
You're closed?
You know I've been trying to
take a nap for a year and a half?
A year and a half.
I have been burning the candle
at both ends,
the midnight oil,
since way before
my friend got kidnapped.
And all I want to do
is kick my feet back
and drink some wine
that I'm probably
too tired to drink.
And I want a massage.
I want someone to massage
my shoulders and my feet,
and I want it at the same time.
And I don't care if logistically
that doesn't make sense.
Because I have worked hard.
The same way that
I know that you have.
So I hate to ask you
to leave this place open
a few more minutes,
because if we don't,
a very close friend of mine
and her cover model
are going to die.
No good way in, boss!
What about the caves?
That's too dangerous!
we'll be very careful then.
Well, come on!
- This way.
- I have a rule about
not going into
super creepy caves.
- Julian?
- His name is Julian?
He seems more like
a Buck or a Bruce.
Lead the way.
Go on. Don't be scared.
Watch your step there.
- Julian. Oh, no!
- Julian!
Let's not have
his death be in vain.
- Onward and upward.
- What do you mean onward?
We're not gonna go
and get him now, are we?
Oh, man.
- It's nothing.
- Okay.
Yeah. Look, let's just
go back to the boat.
This is over.
Nobody else has to die.
No, no, no. Ha-ha!
It's a breeze.
There's a tunnel.
This could lead to the tomb.
- That's not person-sized.
- Ah, speak for yourself.
Come on.
It's practically a kiddie slide.
- More like a rock sphincter.
- Or a troll anus.
All right, well, you are
going through the anus...
the hole... the tunnel!
- Why her?
- You are our canary in the coal mine.
No, that's impossible.
I can't.
Please let us know
if you get through.
If we don't hear from you,
Fabio's got to die.
I'm the damsel in distress?
It's okay. I'm fine.
I can't.
I'm so sorry. I can't.
- Hey.
- What?
Hey, you smell that?
You mean centuries worth of bat feces?
Yes, I definitely smell that.
You gotta take
a big breath for me.
There you go.
You can do it, Loretta.
I think I see a way out.
Oh, cheese and rice!
I made it!
I made it!
See? Totally safe.
Go on. Your turn.
I'm coming through!
Be right there, okay?
Why would they
build this here?
But how is anyone
supposed to worship
or remember you
if they can't even see it?
They aren't.
This isn't a monument
to Kalaman's power.
It's a hiding place
for a grieving woman.
Taha came here
to be with her fallen lover.
She just wanted
to be alone.
Taha doesn't want us here.
God, shut up, Rafi.
It's just the volcano.
Come on.
We have to keep going.
All right.
Let's go, Muscles.
Open it up.
- Don't disturb them.
- She will be wearing the headdress.
Come on. We didn't come all this
way just to pay our respects.
I can't, um...
- Uh...
- I'm sorry, abuela.
What is that?
Are those... seashells?
The crown is made of seashells?
Where's the treasure?
She's holding him.
You mean the dead guy?
It's their courtship.
Kalaman is searching the island
for something.
Rare red seashells.
To prove his love,
he gave her one shell every day for a year
and made them into a crown,
bright red like
the flame of their love,
until the day came
where she accepted his proposal.
It was never about jewels.
Kalaman and Taha's riches
weren't material.
It was their love.
That's what it meant.
That was enough.
So that's it?
All of that time
and money
spent on, what,
just a cheap metaphor?
- It's a pretty rich metaphor.
- Oh, shut up!
We got to go. We got to go now.
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, no, no. You are staying here.
You think it's all
so sweet and poetic.
Well, then you can stay here
and spend your last moments
pondering the richness
of that metaphor.
- Get in.
- What? Come on, man.
- Oh, God. Just get in. Get in the tomb.
- Okay, okay.
It's better to be buried
alive than buried dead, I guess.
- It's really not.
- You know, it is a shame, really.
This is a hell of a story.
Pity you won't be around
to tell it. Come on.
- But they'll die.
- So will you
if you don't stop being such a snowflake!
Get over here!
This is fine.
This is not an active nightmare
I've had since
I was 14 years old.
Why are you going so fast?
It's not a race.
Wait, no! What are you doing?
Come back here!
You may have bought the island,
but now the island owns you!
You can't just
leave me here!
Rafi! Come back!
I need a boat!
Hey, hey, stop! Stop!
Help! Help!
One of the locals
just stole my boat!
Have you seen a woman?
She's a brunette
in a sequined jumpsuit.
No. Is she in some sort
of trouble?
It's kind of funny.
I used to think this...
this sort of thing
was so romantic.
Being locked in a coffin
about to be buried by lava,
or... cuddling dead people?
Just laying down
with a lost love.
Like Taha did.
- God.
- Oh...
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that
I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry I couldn't be Dash.
You're right.
You're nothing like Dash.
You didn't ride in on a
white horse to save me.
You rode in on a...
borrowed scooter with a broken muffler.
I never could've written
a Dash like you.
'Cause I never knew
a Dash like Alan.
I was so afraid
of being hurt by life again
that I just stopped living.
Couldn't see the good things
in front of me.
I'm just so sorry
I didn't see you sooner.
I have a confession too.
See, I was really liking where
this new story of ours was headed.
I just wanted to see how
it was gonna turn out, I guess.
The Adventures
of Loretta and Alan.
No, it would need
a better title than that.
Yeah, definitely.
Sorry. Just...
Taha's femur is poking me.
Rafi must have
left that.
How do you forget your crowbar?
It's gonna help us escape.
No, he left it
on purpose.
Oh, cool. I always liked him.
- One...
- Okay.
- ...two, three!
- Okay.
I would've preferred him to not leave
us here in the first place, but...
Dulcius ex asperis.
Sweeter after difficulty.
Go up!
Run for the trees!
Wait. Nope. Never mind.
Trees are on fire.
We can go back
through the tunnel.
Nope. Tunnel's a no-go.
Um, okay.
I'm open to other ideas.
There's a current.
We can follow it into the ocean.
How do we know
what's on the other side?
We don't.
There's only one way
to find out.
- Worth the rash.
- Yeah?
A... Alan?
Oh, my God! You're alive!
- I'm alive.
- Oh, my God. I thought I killed you.
Is that Beth?
- Beth!
- Beth!
Beth, you're here!
Why are you here?
I told you I got your back,
I'm so sorry!
I destroyed
the jumpsuit!
Never mind! Later.
I found a British guy
in a cave.
I thought he was a little boy,
but he has a full beard.
Beth, that's Fairfax!
He kidnapped us!
He's a bad guy, Beth!
He killed my trainer!
Get him!
Stop him!
I got your back, girl.
Where were you running?
It's a boat.
This guy's hilarious.
Got you.
Swim over to the rock!
- I don't got you. No, I got you.
- I got you.
We're gonna get you.
It's gonna be okay.
"Finding refuge
on a nearby rock,
he lifted her from the water,
his powerful arms
pulling her body close.
Alan whispered..."
Shh. You're safe now.
"In that moment, Loretta could
feel a new adventure was just beginning."
"The heart-pounding passion
of the narrow escape
only inflamed Loretta's
desire for him.
She was thirsty for the hot lava
soon to be pulsing from his..."
Don't you go stopping
right at the good part.
It's nothing she hasn't
read before.
Didn't I tell you?
The most beautiful beach
in the world.
Maybe later, I'll show you
the Cove of Enchantment?
No, you can take Randy.
Remember, you are
my platonic man friend.
I like the sound of that.
Not sure what it means,
but I like the sound of it.
Here you go, Randy.
- My dear.
- You are an angel. Thank you.
How did you know?
- Nice way to end a book tour, right?
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I have a phrase I like to
use in moments like these, actually.
Quid deinde?
It's Latin.
It means, uh, "What's next?"
Quid cogitas?
Buca di Beppo.
- Yeah. I know zero other Latin.
- No. Yes.
I looked it up
for this moment right now.
So, what does come next?
- How would you write this?
- I don't know.
- How would you write it?
- Do we really want me to write this?
- Just try. Take a stab at it.
- Okay. I'll write it.
"We were... They were, uh...
standing on a beach."
Sets the stage for the audience.
They know where we are.
You're already laughing.
Why are you laughing at me?
- I'm not laughing. I'm smiling.
- You are.
"There are palm trees
above a brown
bark-like hair
of the maiden.
There is a dead jellyfish..."
All you're doing is describing what
you're actually seeing right now.
"He's nervous
because he really likes her."
It's nice writing.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
I'll keep going.
"He looked deep in her eyes.
The only thing that could compare
to the pulse of that ocean
was the throbbing in the..."
- Okay, no, you can't throb.
- Why not?
Can't come out of the
gate with a throb.
- You throb all the time.
- I don't come out of the gate with it.
- You have to earn the throb.
- Who made you the queen of throb?
It's usually a chapter four thing. You
want it brought up appropriately in four.
I think you throb in all the chapters.
It's a precursor to throb.
- "Undulating."
- You just jumped to five.
- How 'bout they just kiss? Why not?
- Just like a regular kiss?
Yeah. Like a
beginning-of-the-chapter kiss.
I'm good at starting...
How was that? Any notes?
Very good
first chapter attempt.
You were dead.
Your brains came out of your face
and hit the back of my throat.
- He was in my mouth.
- Don't say he was in your mouth.
- I could taste you.
- Don't ever say that.
We only use 10% of our brain,
so I just switched to another 10%.
So, you're okay?
One hundred percent.
Meaning 10%.
We thought you were dead.
Naturally, I have some anger
issues I need to let go of.
- Of course.
- And resentment.
So good to see you, man.
let's keep the chatter down.
We're closing our eyes
and reconnecting to our breath.