The Man Who Wasn't There (1983) Movie Script
First time for
the Washington Monument.
Come on, stone head,
make a left turn here.
Gimme some of that beer.
Buy your own.
Riley and I will take it up
to Ten Duyck.
Wait here.
Hey, Carter...
pick me up a hotdog
on the way back.
Yeah, get him a cobra
with mustard and mayonnaise.
Screw you.
Screw you.
What are you lookin' at?
The space between your teeth.
Mice!
Good afternoon, General.
General Podrido-Carnitas.
His excellency, General
Alejandro Podrido-Carnitas.
Ambassador
of the Republic of Argentina.
Ambassador Hajji Rastafani.
Archipelago of Palawan.
Unhand me!
Don't grab me like that!
Rastafani, Palawan!
Mister Ambassador.
Welcome, it's good
to see you again.
I can assure you,
Mister Cooper,
that my government
will file a sharp protest
over this shoddy treatment
of its dutifully
accredited representative,
um, oh yes.
The United States
values the friendship of Palawan
very highly, Mister Ambassador.
If you've been treated
discourteously,
I'll see
that whoever's responsible
is reprimanded.
Well, then you can start
with whoever is responsible
for the food.
In every other room,
they are being served caviar,
and quail, and fresh fruit,
and bananas.
And what do we get here?
Chicken balls
and fish guts.
Chicken giblets,
Mister Ambassador.
I know chicken balls
when I see them...
h-however briefly.
You-hoo, just a moment.
Don't go 'way.
You, just a...
Hi.
I ah, I forgot my camera.
I'll be right back.
Look out. Look out!
Hey, where you goin'?
Get outta my way!
Sir, that's not
a twist-off.
Is Rastafani filing
another protest?
Frankly, Hassan,
I don't blame him.
Oh, there has clearly been
a mistake, Tohfa.
There is no way
in the world
that your country
can be seated ahead of mine.
Their countries are pimples!
At best.
I told them to give us
a round table.
What do you think
you are doing, you Amazon?
Ha!
Excuse me.
Whatta you...
Sam!
You're supposed to be
walkin' down the aisle
in 15 minutes.
I know. I know!
I know!
Yuck.
Come here,
you bloody bastard!
Huh?
Come here, Riley.
Stop! Come here!
Hey!
Where's Riley goin'?
Let's go!
What's he doin'?
Come on,
move the bottle, huh?
Drive, let's go!
Drive, drive, drive!
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Schmucks!
Come on,
let's get outta here.
You can't help this.
I can't just...
Whoops, excuse me, you okay?
I'm not doing a very good job
as your best man.
Oh, it's my fault...
but Amanda will be furious.
Have you ever seen
Amanda furious?
I once saw her
mildly annoyed.
Well, then you know
what I mean.
Are you Cooper?
Yes.
The Assistant Secretary
wants to see you!
I'm, I'm late for a wedding.
Well, then I'd count on
being even later.
You don't understand,
it's, it's my wedding.
Well, then you have
nothing to worry about.
They can't start
without you.
This guy's great, huh?
Wait here.
Great! Great!
He's over there!
Well, move it!
- I'm movin'!
- I'm movin'!
Stop! Catch him!
Catch him!
I'm gonna kill him!
Hurry up!
Get him, will you?
Get him!
Get him! Get him!
Riley!
Hop in! Hop in!
- Follow that man!
- Follow that car!
I'm going to be late
for my wedding.
I can't believe it.
Well, tell 'em.
Excuse me.
Psst.
I gotta be--
The Assistant Secretary
will see you
as soon as
his schedule permits.
I'm not crazy
about that guy.
I can hardly wait
to twist his ass!
You should've
caught 'im before!
Shut up!
I'm callin' the shots here!
Now, drive!
Cooper!
Yes.
I have tried to keep
your duties circumscribed,
Cooper!
Sir--
Cooper, don't interrupt
when the Secretary's speaking.
You have
an inexhaustible supply
of new ways
to be found wanting.
I understand that crockery,
12-inch dinner plates,
property of
the United States Government,
and numerous other forms
of our national condiments,
were used in an impromptu game
of football by your charges!
Mister Secretary,
they were upset!
Evidently!
Sir, those folks
are so thoroughly
ignored by everyone
that it makes them...
well, it makes them
a little crazy.
Those folks,
as you so quaintly put it,
represent countries
whose collective budgets
couldn't even cover
the cost of replacing
the dinner plates,
or peanut barrels!
And I'm not
ignoring them.
I have given them you.
Your job is to see that they
limit their hostile acts
to diplomatic notes,
or self mutilation!
If you cannot do so,
there is always Post 361.
Three sixty-one?
In Greenland.
All right, now,
on to the next disaster.
Facing Amanda.
That won't be so tough.
Come on.
You look stunning, Mandy.
I wish Uncle Joe were here
to give you away.
He's our only family left.
How can you count on
a senile old scientist,
who's always trying
to save the world
with his chemistry set?
And where's
Mister Samuel Cooper?
Judy, go down and check again,
would you, please?
All he had to do
was travel a few miles
across town, and not get lost.
He's doing this
just to embarrass me!
Sam wouldn't do that, Mandy.
It's probably just something
out of his control.
Sam's whole life
is out of his control.
Listen, this is
your last chance,
you wanna change your mind?
Are you crazy?
A girl like Amanda?
She's great.
I don't know.
This is it.
Come on, pick up speed,
will ya?
What the hell you want
from me, shut up!
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot.
The Ambassador of Hong Kong,
Ambassador Chang gave me these.
What's this?
They're ah, pills
for the wedding night.
I know this stuff.
This is for hemorrhoids.
Pardon?
Go on, drive!
I want him dead!
I want that bastard dead,
go on!
Ted, can you hurry up, please?
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
All right. I'm sorry,
Just relax.
I don't wanna get you mad,
but I'd like to
get there on time.
Look out, buddy!
That guy's in one big hurry.
Ah, watch it!
Watch it! Watch it!
Serves ya right, asshole!
Anything broken, Sam?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, come on.
Should we pay for this?
No, the Navy'll take care of it,
- don't worry about this.
- Of course. Of course.
I don't have my wallet on me,
or I'd pay you something.
Boris!
Theodore.
Yes.
Samuel, Samuel!
Why are you smashing streets
on your wedding day?
I gotta get to my wedding,
I'm late!
Get in! Get in!
It's locked!
Boris Potemkin
will deliver you...
Well, unlock it!
This is terrific!
Unlock the door!
I do not believe this.
Open,
he can't open the door.
Let's go! It's his own car
he can't open the door!
I've got a wedding to...
It's fine!
Who's gonna pay for that?
The Navy.
Good thing
you came along, Boris.
I like your car.
Well, I, I, I, I drive
this product
of capitalist decadence
only to remind myself, daily,
how miserable I am
in your corrupt city.
Fortunately,
I can still listen
to the wonderful songs
of the Russian peasants,
with my
Kenwood 240-B amplifier.
With 24 R.M.S. watts
per channel.
And matching quadraphonics
that will absolutely
blow you up.
Blow you out.
Blow you out.
Eh, retractable roof.
Stolen from cosmonauts.
More power to the people!
Samuel.
Yeah.
Good luck, little brother.
All right.
See ya inside.
I'll find space.
They have valet parking.
I'll find space.
Not to worry, my dear.
I'm sure
he'll be here shortly.
I remember
waiting over nine hours
for a groom one time.
Now, there was a worried bride.
Actually, I'm not sure
that he showed up at all.
Honey, I'm sorry,
I'm late...
oh, my!
Amanda,
you look beautiful.
Honey,
I'm sorry I'm late!
The ministers
starting throwing plates.
The Secretary threatened
to send me to Greenland!
And Ted rammed
a pile of petunias.
Oh, in that order?
Hon-- Cindy,
you look very nice.
Honey, I'm, I'm, ah
not exactly sure of the order,
but ah...
Hi ya, Reverend.
Ah...
Were you surprised,
it's from my heart.
Don't worry, Amanda,
I'll have him back
in ten minutes,
clean as a whistle!
Start the music, Reverend.
You know,
it's her mother's dress.
Yeah, right.
Valentine's Day today?
What the hell's he doing?
Hey.
Where've you guys been?
Don't ask.
Ah, Don, find a men's shop
and get a new shirt.
You'll find the size inside.
Hey, you look nice.
Milo, I'm gonna have to go
and get this cleaned.
Ah, make sure
he stays put.
Where am I gonna go
in my underwear?
I saw Amanda,
she's got a dress,
you know,
it was her mother's...
My shoes...
they're in the bride's,
they're in the bride's...
you know where it is?
It's down the hall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Bridal Suite.
It's down the hall.
Lots of girls there,
you'll recognize it.
Holy smokes!
Okay.
Fish balls and chicken guts.
Oh.
Amanda.
Go to Greenland.
I do.
Oh, Peter, you know,
I forgot my lighter
in my tux, too.
- I was--
- Are you alone?
- What?
- Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
Expecting anybody?
No. I'm not expecting anybody.
Oh, I think I broke my ankle
comin' up the fire escape.
Oh, God.
You guys are a little late
for a bachelor party,
don't you think?
It's not funny.
Lock the other door.
All right.
All right, I'll--
- I'm not kidding!
- Lock it!
Come on!
Ah, okay.
All right, don't, don't,
just don't hit me.
Just don't,
just don't hit me.
Lock it!
Come on, move!
Holy... what the...
Lock that door, right now!
Lock it!
All right. All right.
Where are ya?
Get the other door!
I'll get you, Riley!
Get outta my way!
No, guns!
Think I'm a moron?
Where is he?
Look! On the bed!
There!
There, Riley!
Aah! Oh, my ankle.
The chair!
Shut up!
Beat it, punk!
The window!
- Ow!
- Enjoy the view.
Hey, Bush Face, over here.
That's it, over here.
Here I am.
Squaw Man!
Come on!
Come and get me.
Aw, come on, fellas,
you can find me.
Come on, over here.
Way to go, Grey.
Oh, look around!
By the door! By the door!
Oh, my God!
Look at 'im!
He deserves this!
Traitor!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Goddamn you, Riley!
Sam?
Sam?
I got your shoes.
He must've hidden it
in the car.
It's the only other place.
Sam?
Open the door, Sam.
Come on!
Sam, are you in there?
Are you all right, Sam?
I'm gonna go find Ted.
Oh, my God!
Don't move.
Look, don't move.
I'll get a doctor.
Sam! Open up, old buddy.
It's your best man, Sam,
and I'm waiting.
There's no time.
Look under the sofa.
Sam! What's going on in there?
Get...
This is not funny, Sam.
Amanda's on her way,
and she's upset.
Runkelman--
Huh?
Get it to Runkelman.
Samuel, open this door
immediately!
Did you hear me?
I said, immediately!
Sam, are you all right?
I, I can't stand it.
Take the knives out.
Sam, what the hell
are you doin' in there?
Please, take them out.
Samuel, I've had enough of this.
Sam, this is no time
to chicken out!
Take it out.
Sam, are you all right?
Sam...
The police
are down the hall.
Sam, there's a man standing here
with a badge and a gun.
- He's not laughing.
- First he's an hour late,
and now he's acting
like a mad man.
Take the other one.
Sam, open up!
Open the door, right now!
Samuel, I'm waiting out here.
Runkelman.
Open this door!
I'm comin' in!
What is wrong with him?
This is your last chance!
Open this door!
Where is he?
No! No!
- Tell 'em what happened.
- He's nude!
Don't shoot!
He's armed!
Sam, wait! Don't run!
Don't shoot!
Sam, give up!
Where is he?
Please.
Where is he?
Call headquarters
and get some men down here
to seal off the hotel!
Check all the rooms
on this floor.
I gotta find him before
these trigger-happy lunatics
turn him into Swiss cheese.
I think the ceremony
is going to be delayed,
my dear.
Perhaps you should
serve dinner to your guests.
They're probably
quite hungry by now.
And we can perform
the ceremony afterwards.
I'm canceling the ceremony.
I trust you're not
canceling dinner as well.
Excuse me,
do you work here?
No.
Ya know,
this is a service elevator,
employees only.
What is that,
a 40 regular?
No, it's a 38.
Phone for you.
What? Hello?
Look, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Are there any other exits
on this level?
No, no, none, none.
How about the garage?
Take out.
The garage?
Yes, two. Here and here.
What's the matter?
N-n-nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
Ah, excuse me.
What the hell is this?
What does he think?
- Does he think--
- I don't know.
...let Riley coldcock me, man.
Did you get it?
Ah, no, Mister Ten Duyck.
We, ah, we searched
Riley's car, his clothes.
He must've dropped it
along the way.
Tell me, Carter,
do you think it likely
that Riley would have
dropped it...
after risking his life
to get it?
Ah, no, sir.
Then, he must have
given it to someone.
No, no, he couldn't have.
We were right behind him
every step of the way.
He didn't have a chance.
Riley was dead
when we left him!
He couldn't have
given it to him!
Klieg, was he dead
when you left?
He looked dead.
Yes.
You didn't make sure?
We couldn't.
The police were about to
come through the door.
We had to get outta there.
I see.
Well, gentlemen...
this is more serious
than I thought.
A lot more serious.
Klieg...
Yes, Mister Ten Duyck.
Find Cooper!
Find him before the police do!
And hope he doesn't realize
what he has in his possession!
Yes, sir!
Now!
Yes, sir!
Not you, Carter!
I have another job for you!
Carter's finished. That's it.
So what?
Cops!
Aw, man!
What the hell?
Sorry, Sam,
she's not going to see you.
She won't even open
her bedroom door to talk to me!
Ooh, she'd never
believe it anyway.
Let's see this head.
Oh! Thanks
for the first aid.
You're welcome.
Oh, that stings.
Hey, why don't you
give me a try?
I'll believe you.
Okay.
As I was saying...
there was this...
metal sphere.
This sphere in mid-air.
And a voice.
Just a voice.
And it said,
"I've broken my ankle."
And then it said,
"Lock the other door."
And then...
just as I was about to lock it,
the door popped open...
and the next thing I knew,
I was lying on the floor
beside a naked man
with two knives in his back.
And that was all?
No!
No, no, that... no.
Except...
for this.
Just before he died,
he told me, "Get it...
to Runkelman".
Who's Runkelman?
I wish I knew.
I don't even know
what that is.
Except I think that somebody
got killed over it.
Wow.
Hmm.
There's no smell.
Let's see what it does
to the table.
It's not acid.
Don't touch it!
Cindy, a man got killed
over this stuff!
I'd like to find out
what it is!
It's kind of slippery.
I don't like this.
Let's get it analyzed.
Yeah, looks like
we'll have to.
Wait a minute,
I'll have to.
You're not gettin' involved.
Oh, I plan to get
very involved.
Oh, ya know,
you're very cute.
I'll send ya
hourly reports, okay?
She must be pretty pissed.
Sam!
Yeah.
You're very pale!
I'm very pale.
You'd be pale too,
if the entire Washington, D.C.
police department
was out looking for you,
wouldn't you?
Not that pale!
Where is my hand?
Where's my other hand?
Wherever
the rest of you went!
What the heck.
What's happening to me?
Am I all gone!
You seem to be.
I, I can feel you!
I, I just can't see you.
Ah, this is great,
just great!
What if I don't come back?
That other man came back.
Oh, yeah, sure he did,
two seconds before he died!
Check it out!
You asshole.
You punk faggot!
At least the police will have
a hard time finding you.
Holy cow!
Looking like this,
anybody would have
a hard time finding me.
I can go anywhere.
The Treasury.
The Pentagon.
I can march
right into the Oval Office.
No wonder that poor guy
in the hotel
was killed for this stuff.
Yeah.
Sam!
Who are those guys?
They're, they're the ones
who broke into my hotel room!
Cooper!
What are you doing?
I got an idea,
just get in the house.
I can't help
from the house.
I'm staying right here.
Don't argue with me, Cindy.
I don't want you to get hurt.
They're not
going to do anything
- out here in the open.
- Just get inside! Now!
I said get in!
Move it!
Hand over the container, Cooper!
That's all we want.
Before things get
a little messy around here.
Messy.
Diplomatic douche.
Hey, ah, can we talk
about this, guys?
Maybe we can
make a little deal.
Let's get 'im before
he peels those clothes off!
The invisible wimp.
- You guys are pushin' your lick.
- Make a deal.
Oh, Cindy...
get in the house!
Sam, run!
I'm running, I'm running!
Gonna kill you, Cooper!
I'm gonna shoot
those hearts off your ass!
Get around him.
Well, get outta my way, you...
Get 'im!
Get up! Get up!
Get off me!
Naw, that's the wrong size.
What, are you blind?
Hurry.
I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!
Hey, this is really a blast.
Well, I'm glad you think so.
Hang on!
Wait! Stop the car!
What? What is it?
This'll fix those cretins.
Here.
I can't believe you, Sam.
The tires!
Bust 'em!
Bust 'em!
Mwah!
Was that a kiss?
Well, it was sort of
a brotherly peck on the cheek.
Well, it's a start.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
Nice school.
Lots of girls.
Right.
Well, if I'm like
the guy in the hotel,
I'll be comin' back.
So, I'll need some clothes.
I know.
I can go out
and buy you some.
- Great.
- Hi, Miss Worth.
Good morning, girls.
You can wait in my office
until I get back.
Sam?
Hi. Oops!
Windy day, huh?
What's your major?
Sam!
Stepped on a sharp rock,
that's all.
I'll bet!
You're not only barefooted,
you're stark naked,
in the middle
of a girl's school!
So, behave yourself!
One kiss on the cheek,
and you act like
we've been married 40 years.
Aah.
Okay, what are your sizes?
Okay, let's see,
ah, 15 collar,
32 sleeve, 45 waist...
...thirty-one.
Thirty-one.
You stay here!
Hey, I'm rooted like a tree.
Oh, Cindy, gimme the sphere.
Thanks.
Okay, well, you might as well
make yourself comfortable.
There's cold drinks
in the 'fridge there,
right behind you.
Oh, good. Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I won't be long.
Take your time,
and hurry back.
Hmmm. Runkelman.
Janet, this is Sam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
the police are lookin' for me.
That's why I need to find
the addresses of
everyone named Runkelman,
Runkelman, who lives
in the Washington area.
All right,
I'll call you.
Thanks, Janet.
Oh, shit!
She's gonna kill me.
I gotta find somethin'
to clean this up.
Well, maybe in here.
She has to have something.
Well, a towel or some--
Holy Toledo, Cooper,
you've died and gone to heaven.
Oh, my God,
lots of suds!
Easy, easy.
Keep your cool.
Keep your cool.
Oop.
Well, as long as I'm here...
help a little.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh.
Now, now girls.
There's...
nothing to be upset, ah--
Miss Worth,
there's someone in here!
It's just your
imagination, Terry.
I'm sure
that there's no one in here.
Hey!
Ow!
What was that?
Oh, my God!
Justice.
What are you doin'
slappin' me like that?
I only came here
to clean somethin' up.
I was doin' it for you.
A grown man peeping
at little girls!
Terrible!
You know, I can't believe
that you did that!
You put my job in jeopardy.
Cindy, would you just
look at the papers?
You don't understand.
You should be sorry
for what you've done.
I am.
I truly am.
I am, I'm very,
very, very sorry.
You look it.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, little girl.
I've seen 'em before,
you know.
Seen what?
Bare feet.
Precocious.
Thank you.
Cindy, you're not coming
and that's final.
I told you,
I don't want you involved.
Sam, I already am involved.
Those thugs
saw me drive you away.
Well, we'll have to
get you outta town.
Look, did I save
your ass or not?
You did.
All right, then,
I've got rights.
Tough lady.
You bet.
All right.
Okay, we'll start by going
through the nine Runkelmans
listed as living
in Washington.
I suppose it is my fault.
If I hadn't driven
you and Ted to the hotel,
you would never
have become involved.
So...
do you have it with you?
I'm not that dumb, Boris.
No, no, of course not.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Your people
will get it out of you.
And if they can't,
they'll turn you over
to my people.
And, my people
will get it out of you.
I-I-I'm sorry,
I was nervous.
What do you mean,
"my people", Boris?
I'll let them
explain that to you.
So,
we will take my car, please.
Hmm?
Look, Boris, ah...
Cindy has nothing
to do with this.
Has she taken any of it?
No.
No.
But you have?
Yes.
That is too bad.
That is too bad.
Look, Boris,
just let her go!
It's highly unprofessional.
But I suppose friendship
must count for something.
Yeah.
This never happened, young lady.
For your own sake.
None of it.
I understand.
Take this, please.
I don't want to litter.
Move your body
forward, please.
Samuel.
Samuel!
Come, Samuel.
Come, Samuel.
Come along.
I don't understand.
Why should our State Department
cooperate with yours?
If the United States
has the formula
and the Russians
have the formula,
then what good
is it to either?
But neither of us
wants to have it.
We want to destroy it!
It's destabilizing.
It's destabilizing?
You see, the world
is divided in half, hmm?
You control your half,
we control ours.
Everyone is very happy.
But if some third country
should get hold of this formula,
the entire balance
would be upset.
In the Kremlin,
my associates are turning white
at the prospect of
a hundred million
invisible Chinese
marching into Minsk.
That's destabilizing.
It is very destabilizing.
But Boris,
the thing that...
Samuel, my friend, talk.
It's good for your own good.
Are you going to tell us
where this formula is?
Yes or no?
Sammy...
Yes, or no.
Boris, we've been through this before,
I told you, I don't know where it is.
Why do you want it?
Why?
I'll tell you why, Cooper.
Because for one thing, we don't want
20 million invisible Mexicans
strolling across the Texas border.
They don't seem to have much
trouble even when they're visible.
Why are you people always
stepping on the underdogs?
Rubbish, Cooper! Pure rubbish!
Borscht, Samuel. Speaking pure
bullshit borscht.
Yes?
Cooperate, my friend.
Samuel you are stubbing your
nose to spite your face!
Oh, I had so much fun the
other night, oh I couldn't believe it.
Oh, God.
YOU hang up first, sweetie.
Mmmm kissing sound
Mmmm, mmmm, come on!
Hang up, Walter.
Come on, hang up Walter!
Clears throat Rastafani, Panawan.
I demand to see the Assistant Secretary.
Ohhhh, Walter.
Pleeeease.
Ohhhh
Come to my apartment for dinner.
Let me take you for a drink first.
What's your problem, buddy?
If you do not buzz Mr. Bummer,
within the very next second,
You willl know the full wrath of
the people of Panawan.
Take back your fish balls
and chicken guts!
Miss Dawson, I thought I told you,
I do not wish to be disturbed.
I don't expect you to understand the
subtlety of political considerations
involved here, Cooper.
You will just turn over whatever amount
of the formula you have in your possession
and that will be the end of it.
Has he taken any of it?
Yes, I'm afraid so.
What does it matter?
Residues, Cooper.
Chemical residues in your tissues.
My tissues?
Your body could be analyzed
to obtain the formula.
You mean you wanna kill me.
Of course not, Cooper. We have
no desire to kill you.
We will, however, have
to destroy your body.
It's gonna be a little difficult
to get a hold of another one.
The Department expects you
to do your duty, Cooper.
Even if it does inconvenience you somewhat.
May I?
It's tradition.
Mr. Secretary!
Not now, Ms. Dawson!
Uh...
Sorry, sir, but uh...
Mr. Bummer!
The United Nations will hear of your even
persuasions in that of your staff!
Mr. Cooper is obviously under a great
amount of pressure!
I demand an explanation for all
of this sick behaviour
and, and, rejections!
You're so miserable, and and and
so un-romantic!
He's cute.
Keep them out of here!
Enough! Get him! Search him!
Don't waste any more time, Cooper!
Where's the stuff?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Sam! Over here!
Cindy? Here!
Catch!
It's the formula.
Samuel. Samuel!
Kill him, you fool!
Here. You shoot him.
Come on! Come on!
Drink it! Drink it!
Cindy! I'll be with you in a flash.
Sam, over here! By the door!
Sorry about the desk, fellas.
Pardon me, fatso.
You too, Mr. Bummer.
Clear the way, Miss!
You stupid jackass! Move!
Sorry, Haji!
Follow me, Sam!
Sorry, kid! We're in a hurry.
Hop in, Cindy. We're goin' for a ride.
Oh, look, there's a
letter here from your mother.
Weeeeeeee!
Amanda, watch out!
Sorry, sis!
Sam! Cindy! Where are you?
I'll explain later!
Cindy, are you alright?
Yes. Sorry, we gotta go!
Home free!
See you later, Mandy!
Boris! What is going on?
It's very difficult for me to explain.
I think, perhaps, another revolution.
Excuse me.
Samuel. Samuel, you ????
You stupid ????
It's that pug-faced goon!
Yeah, duck!
Hey, buddy! Off the windshield,
you're blocking the view!
Hey! Stop the car!
Hey! I said stop the car!!
Suspect escaped from the
State Department only moments ago.
Uh, the last seen as invisible, vast pooko?
white, caucasian, 5'10, 160 lbs,
was nude just before disappearing, and
according to Lord Bummer, Mr. Secretary Of State,
Mr. Cooper has a large dimple, on
his right buttock.
Hahahahah!
- Sam, the police!
- Yeah, just act natural.
Hey! Am I crazy, or am I crazy??
I am gonna retire and work at McDonald's!
Well let's put some grease on the
skillet and fry that gentleman.
Cindy, you alright?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Let's go!
You always park like that?
Hey! Stop or we'll shoot!
Cindy, one of us is back
and it isn't me.
gasp! Sam, don't you
dare look at me!
Devil is comin'!
And I don't see no male dimples!
Hey, what is that?!
Hey, miss! Hey, lady! Stop!
- Forget it, man!
- No we wanna talk to you!
We wanna talk to you!
Miss!
Miss! Come here! Don't!
Don't go up there!
Can you see her?
Help me up, will ya!
Let's go!
Where the heck are we?
Well we're sure not at the Potomac!
Come here. Up here. Behind the tree.
There's our target!
I hate to fire on such a pretty target!
Stay put or we'll have to hit ya!
Hey, fellas, what're you
getting so mad about?
Hold the light steady!
It's hard to concentrate, man!
Aaahh! Get it off me! Heel!
Come on, Cindy, let's run for it!
Easy for you to say!
It's not your ass being shot at!
Come on, to the water!
Oh! Oh, it's cold!
Come on, just take my hand!
Why Ted's place?
Well we can't go to my place or yours
'cause they'll be watching.
Maybe Ted'll help us find Runkelman.
That'll be 8 dollars, Miss.
Where's the dingus?
Wait a minute, I hope we haven't lost it.
Oh, here it is.
Put it back. Here.
Ah, I'm so itchy...
Excuse me, lady.
I've been dyin' to ask you something
for the past 15 minutes, but...
I didn't want to interrupt your
conversation in the back seat.
Are you a, ummm.... magician?
A ventriloquist?
A transvestite?
Or a hooker from the jungle?
I'll waive my fair if you're up
for some uh, monkey business.
Here, champ. Why don't you buy yourself
10 bucks worth of bananas and keep the change?
Good night, sir.
Yeah, have a good one, pal.
I could sure use a flea collar.
Cindy! This is it.
Right back here.
Hope he left the key...
Me too...
Where is it, I can't find it...
My God?? What's going on?
Ding-Dong!
- I got it.
- Good.
Hey. Hey. Hey Hey!
I'm still out here!
Thanks.
Oh, my!
Come to bed already!
There's no robe in the bathroom!
Well uh, look in the closet.
Very nice!
Yeah, Ted's girlfriend
left 'em when she split.
Oh, I think there's some underwear
in the top drawer.
Oh, really! How cozy.
Ted came out ahead.
Haha, not really.
In exchange, she took his car,
his stereo and his Cuisinart.
Well I'm going to take his shower.
So why don't you relax,
and light up a fire?
Ho ho ho ho ho, yeah.
Oh... shit.
Well....
What do you think?
Ummmm...
Oh, that's uh, very nice.
What's wrong, Sam?
Uhhhh, gee.
I just made a mess of things.
It's not your fault that man
burst in your room and died.
Ho ho, ho ho, sure.
I panicked!
Anyone would have!
Uhhh, and now you've taken this stuff.
You know, they wanna kill you too.
They'll have to catch us first.
Ho, hoho, great.
- We can't run forever.
- We'll find Runkelman!
Ah, Runkelman... I don't care
about myself.
But never... I never shoulda
let you get involved.
Never, I kept tellin' ya.
Sam...
Oh, this is embarrasing.
I don't care if they ever do catch us.
At least they'll catch us together.
Cindy, that's my ear, not my nose.
You're a difficult target.
Um, Cindy?
Um, that's... my nose.
Ya know, it's easier when you help.
Uh, yeah?
Lemme kiss you again.
Well maybe we can get a little
comfortable here, it wouldn't hurt.
I've been waiting for this
for a long time.
Oh, my...
Holy smokes...
Clears throat Uh, Cindy?
Clears throat
Ya know, now that I'm thinking about it,
it's a little warm in here, don't you think?
Uh, yeah!
Maybe I'll uh, I'll walk over here...
Open a window....
Yeah, fresh air in here...
Hmm, looks like some guys
are playin' a game of poker!
The weekly meeting of the Washington
Astrophysical and Observation Society
will come to order.
No old business, no new business!
Move to adjourn.
Control yourself!
The report of the Flower Committee?
The usual anonymous dozen roses were
sent to the outstanding couple of last week.
I thought they deserved two dozen.
Only exceptional achievements are
awarded two dozen, Terrence.
Any old business?
No old business, no new business.
Move to adjourn?
Second?
In favour?
Meeting is adjourned!
Let's try the couple in 3G.
Hubba, Hubba!
No good! They had a fight,
and she moved!
In with that guy in 4F.
The one who keeps his blinds closed?
Yeah.
Let's sweep the 5th floor, then!
Oh... Ohh... Oooooohhh
Archibald. Archibald!
What's Wrong? What's wrong?
He dropped his monocle!
Archibald, what'd you see?
R-Rooooom.. Three... Twelve...
What muscle control!
Huh-huh-hubba!
Huh-ba!! Ha ha
What an imagination!
Hubba hubba...
Hubba!
Huh? She turned the lights off!
Switch to infrared!
Ah! This is a time for celebration!
I'm going to get us
some champagne bubbly!
Hubba hubba!
Hubba! Hubba!
Keep my instrument warm, gentlemen!
Until I return!
...breasts are levitating!
Oh my God, her pelvis is rising!
Oh and it's gyrating too!
I must go for my EKG!
Hubba hubba!
Whatcha doing?
Watching you.
That's nice.
You know, a lot of folks are
out there looking for us.
They wanna destroy our bodies.
Oh, I'm not gonna let
them destroy yours.
At least not 'til I've used it all.
Pardon me.
Doorbell rings
Alright already!
Who's there?
Delivery.
Here you go.
Four dozen roses.
Just sign right here.
Thanks, pal.
No tip, man?
Look, I'll catch ya next time, OK?
Scandal, man. Scandal.
What goes on, here?
Morning!
What is it?
Somebody sent Ted four dozen roses.
Who?
Uh, Fort Myers.
Wow, he really gets around.
Yeah, it's what he does.
How about some breakfast?
Mmm! Sounds good.
K.
Commander Duran here.
Ted.
Sam, where are you? I got the whole
city of Washington looking for you!
At your place.
Just stay there.
Where were you last night?
With a lady.
Oh. You got some flowers from
four of your old ones.
Look, what have you been up to?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Look, I'll be right over.
Uh, Ted, uh...
I'm in over my head here.
I need your help.
You got it.
Just get here, alright?
I will.
Just stay there.
Thank you.
It's a Class A breakfast.
Yeah.
Amanda can't cook a lick, you know.
Mmm.
You know, I can't remember why
I didn't wanna marry you.
Oh, Ted's here.
Hope he can help us find Runkelman.
Hey. Hey. Wait. Wait!
I don't think so.
Why not?
Because Boris is with him!
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Elevator!
Hey. Sam!
Sam! Cindy!
Shit!
Let's go to the basement.
Together Circle the block!
Aah!
Ow!
You alright?
But the thing is...
Well let's just...
- Sir! Can I have that? - Yes!
- Thank you. - Of course, of course.
I say...
Hellooooooo.
Hello.
Look, would you mind giving
my friend and I a little ride?
- I'd be delighted! -Terrific.
- Yes, this way my dear.
Is this thing fast?
Floor it!
- It them the coup. -Flew.
- She flew the....
Who cares? He's gone!
Why don't you ??? go home
Who do you think you are?
Hey, hey! Roughneck!
Shame!
Get outta the way!
Why don't you all gather
'round me for a minute.
This is the oldest, continually-used legislative
structure in the western hemisphere.
Although it was burned by the British
in 1812...
It was... re-built and... re-constructed
by what are you, crazy? 18.... 17....
Uhhhh...
Why don't you continue with me
to the east wing?
You let him get away.
He has the stuff!
Any time he wants, he can
make himself invisible!
Just like you!
It's your fault he has the stuff.
It was pug-face's fault!
He saw them at the State Department!
Spit on me?? Yo-yo.
Not gonna take the blame.
Stop!
Who's fault was it that he escaped
from the girl's house with the sphere?
I want you to go to this address.
Not you.
No.
You, my brave Indian.
Take the dummy on your left.
You're going to Runkelman's.
And if Cooper happens to show up,
I'd advise you not to let him
slip through your fingers.
I have other duties for you, Blade.
Someone has to watch Cooper's place.
Right.
OK, why don't we stop here
for a minute.
The Capital dome is completely
constructed of cast iron.
It was designed by
Thomas Eustace Walter
And the design was....
Be cool, be cool. Let's go.
Come on....
The design was completed on
December 2nd, 1863.
Don't touch him! Don't touch him!
Look, I know you don't know us, but...
we need a car, would you mind?
Well of course we'd like very
much to help you, but,
This car is, uh... is irreplaceable!
It's almost as old as we are!
And besides, it's not up to me.
We all own it together.
For me?
Huh?
But it...
Whattya say?
Done. Terrific!
Hooray!
This'll work out just fine.
And I promise we'll bring it back...
without a scratch.
Oh, no worries
I wanna take a picture
Take care
Smile for the picture.
Reach right down - yeah, right
there is where you start it.
Alright, this is - this -
well, this beats my Toyota!
Don't make 'em like they used to.
- OK, thanks a lot!
- OK, thanks a lot, buh-bye!
Mr. Runkelman?
Huh!?
Mr. H. Runkelman?
Just one minute, I will see
if I can find him.
I just remembered - I am Herman
Gustov ??? Runkelman.
What do you want, anyway?
If this is the one, we're in a
lot of trouble.
Uh... Does this mean anything
to you, Mr. Runkelman?
What is it.... can you drink it?
You OK?
Uh... we're sorry we've bothered you,
Mr. Runkelman.
Herman Gustov ???? Runkelman,
to you.
Of course.
Goodnight.
It's daytime.
Step right up and see our lovely
ladies do their thing, right inside!
Come on, let your eyes demand what
your heart knows and understands!
Come on, now! It's as good for
you as it is to you!
We partyin' all the time!
How many?
Uh....
How many??
Are you... Sarah... Runkelman?
What's it to you??
Are you...
Does this mean anything to you?
Step right up and....
Look, are you buyin' tickets
or sellin' diaphragms?
What is this, some kinda marital aid??
Get this stuff outta here.
Ya know, we saw Sin Flesh, uh, thanks.
Yeah, I hope you learned
something too, son.
Like the show? Come on, now!
Awww, well come back another time.
You'll be glad you did.
- How many left?
- This is the next to last one.
Jack Runkelman. That's it, it must
be down near the pier.
Hey, look! There's your car!
Jackpot. This is it.
Alright, we're gonna go up the stairs.
You keep low.
You too.
God... Just don't panic,
and just hold on to me.
OK. OK? Alright?
You OK? Yeah, I
still have the purse.
Don't do that again.
You and I are going
on a little fishing trip.
Don't move!
Ted...
- Sam...
- I said, don't move... or I'll shoot.
You gonnna shoot me with your little finger?
No, a 7.5mm Beretta, and I mean it.
Alright, Sam.
Let's go.
What'd you do with Runkelman?
How'd you find out about Runkelman?
Nevermind, where is he?
He won't do you any good...
I'll decide that when I find him.
Now where is he?
If I were you, I'd move in here,
so your friends don't get wise.
Alright...
Ted! I thought you were my friend,
but I don't know who you are!
And I don't know what's going on,
but I have to find Runkelman.
So cut the malarky, and help me!
You found him! Runkelman's
my operating name.
Riley, the guy who died on you at
the hotel, was trying to contact me.
You told me you were an engineer.
I'm sorry, Sam. Navel Intelligence.
You better give me the stuff.
I don't have it on me.
You lie, Samuel.
Course you have it on you.
I think your 7.5mm Beretta is
in the other pocket.
In Russia, we call those worms,
not Berettas.
So....
Let's have the sphere.
I think that's a fair trade, even
by western standards.
I suppose you'd search us.
If necessary.
This...
Go ahead, give it to them.
It's OK. What are we gonna do?
Catch.
Well that's half the case.
All we need now is Ten Duyck.
Who's Ten Duyck?
I think you've met some
of his errand boys.
Ten Duyck murdered the inventor
about a month ago.
So we know Ten Duyck has the formula.
Now, he could make a deal right now, but
he stands to make a much bigger sale...
if he's the only one that has the stuff.
That's why he's after you, Sam.
Which brings us to a major problem.
Yeah I know, residues.
Damnit, Boris, I can't do it!
Sam's a friend of mine!
He's not my friend, I don't know this boy.
But I have orders, and so do you.
And the penalty for disobeying orders is a
firing squad - IF my superiors are merciful.
And if they're vindictive, they'll sentence me
to live in Moscow for the rest of my life.
Alright, go.
Come.
Go!
Hey, stonehead!
Runkelman.
I wish to speak to Mr. Cooper.
Sam.
whispers It's Ten Duyck.
Yes?
A friend of yours wishes to say hello.
Sam!! Who is this man??
Sam?? Let me go!!
Amanda!
Recognize the voice?
Listen, if you hurt her...
She will not be hurt if you bring me the
sphere by four o'clock. Here's the address.
Keep it between us, Mr. Cooper.
You understand?
The treasury...
I got it. OK.
That was foolish, Sam.
Oh, no, Sam's foolish!
Listen, Boris. Cool it!
If you call in the navy, the red army,
the marines, whoever...
he'll hurt Amanda.
She's not gonna get hurt, we know
how to do this thing.
Uhhh, well....
It looks like you've got some company.
Let's go!
Yeeeeeee heeee!
Get the boat!
Come back! Come back!
Head 'em off.
Come on! Come on!
Come on, Cochise!
We gotta get to the money room!
OK! OK!
Damn. Get in!!
They're gone!
- Get the car!
- We don't know where they're going!
Yeah, but they do!
Boris, we can't follow too closely.
Scream - Lookie here
Don't touch her, buddy!
- Shut up!
- Don't worry about her, pal.
You try anything, Cooper, and you're
gonna have a nipple on your ass.
Let's go take a look at the money exhibit.
You're Ten Duyck. I shoulda figured
you'd be using the stuff.
And where's Amanda?
Shut up.
We had a deal! Where's Amanda?
I said shut up!
Here it is.
A wire frame??
A wire frame!
I got it.
A most brilliant observation.
My hat's off to you, Mr. Samuel Cooper.
I'm so glad that you all could make it.
Drop your guns.
I'll take that now, my dear.
I know you helped yourself to
my merchandise, you fools.
If only Professor Hisenbrook hadn't...
Uncle Joe!
Yes, my dear. You have a more
talented family than you know.
But a stubborn one.
Your uncle Joe refused to be sensible.
He wanted my help in distributing his formula...
as an ode to mankind.
He was totally insensitive to the millions to
be made by selling it to a foreign power.
And as for you, Mr. Samuel Cooper,
by rights I should shoot you right now!
Nooo!
You caused me a great deal of trouble.
Please don't kill him, please!
Oh, very touching, aren't you.
I can see from your expressions that the
formula is beginning to wear off.
Well, it doesn't matter now because shortly,
I'll disappear from this place,
and this country.
Modern technology.
I don't believe this.
I always knew you were sweet on Samuel.
You never loved him, did you?
No. But I needed to marry him.
You see, his diplomatic contacts
would have allowed me to negotiate the sale
of the formula at my leisure
without raising suspicion.
Where's Uncle Joe?
Awww, the same place his man Riley
wound up, for interfering.
Amanda.
Don't do it.
Give myself up, Samuel?
Like a good little girl?
But I'm not a good little girl.
I'm a greedy little girl.
Not yet, gentlemen.
My private little stash.
Good to the last drop.
And now to my ex-groom.
And my ex-Maid Of Honor.
And other assorted ex-wedding guests.
The party's over.
Sorry, fella.
Cindy, be careful.
Amanda!
Amanda!
Sam, get outta the way!
Sam, move! I can't shoot!
Let me just talk to you, wait! Please!
Outta my way!
Damnit!
Where is she?
I dunno!
- Look.
- To hell with you!
- There. There!
- Watch it.
Be careful, Sam.
Cindy, stay here!
Be careful, Sam!
You'll never catch me!
You're wasting your time!
Amanda! Amanda, no!
Go down. Go down!
I'll cover from here. Be careful!
- Watch it!
- Secure the door! Stay put, Cindy.
Amanda!
Stay away from me!
Sam, don't be a fool!
Sam, get away!
Lemme get a shot at her!
Come on with this damn door!
Ugh!
Stop, Amanda, or I'll shoot!
- No! Don't shoot! Noooo!
- Watch it, you oaf! Let go!
See ya later!
Boris ... Sam, stay back!
Amanda!
- Sam, don't go over there!
- Sam, don't be crazy!
It's not worth it!
Get out of the way!
Boris, go to the controls and
stop that belt!
No!!
Sam, you can't trust her!
No!!
I can't get up!
Sam, don't go!
Sam!
Sam, you gotta help me!
Do something, Boris!
Come on!
Sam, I can't get up, you gotta
grab my hand, Sam!
For God's sake, somebody stop this thing!
Grab my hand, Sam!
- Sam, get off there!
- Sam, please!
You gotta help me!
Amanda, where are you?
Sam! I'm falling!
- Amanda! Sam!
- No! No, please!
Where are you?
Sam, come out!
Stop this thing!
Come and help me! Sam!
Boris! Stop the belt!
Please, don't give up, Boris!
Come on!
- Sam!
- Boris, stop the belt! Stop the belt!
I can't!
Please, stop this thing!
Amanda, try to reach me!
Take my hand!
Amanda! Amanda! No!
Amanda! Oh, God...
I tried, I really tried. I....
God damnit!
I tried...
Now what?
I have a surprise for you.
You'll disappear for a while.
Thanks, Boris.
You guys better get outta here.
You weren't planning on double-crossing
me, were you, Boris?
The trouble is, I would have to take that
stuff back to Moscow personally.
So?
So, its 20 degrees below zero
this time of year.
The, uh... rings, please.
Do we have the rings?
Yes.
Uh, place them on each other's fingers.
Uh, honey? I can't find your hand.
Here, I'm so nervous, my hand's shaking.
Have you placed them on each other's fingers?
Uh, yes.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Now, the bride.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With the authority vested in me by the
Distrcit of Columbia,
I now pronouce you...
Actually I'm not sure that a ceremony
performed blindfolded is canonically acceptable.
However, I'm sure we can find a
precedent.
Man and wife, you may kiss the bride.
Hubba, hubba!
Ah, such a lovely couple!
Sammy. Sam! Cindy!
Hubba, hubba!
- Excuse me. Best man.
- Oh, of course.
- Thank you, Boris!
- Congratulations!
Glad you could be here.
Anchors away.
Samuel!
Go from it! FOR it.
For it!
Hey, uh, hey listen, we're gonna have to uh...
stay out of sight for a couple of weeks
until, uh...
until these residues are gone, OK guys?
That shouldn't be any problem.
Here, catch!
Merry Pruzba!
Thanks, comrade!
the Washington Monument.
Come on, stone head,
make a left turn here.
Gimme some of that beer.
Buy your own.
Riley and I will take it up
to Ten Duyck.
Wait here.
Hey, Carter...
pick me up a hotdog
on the way back.
Yeah, get him a cobra
with mustard and mayonnaise.
Screw you.
Screw you.
What are you lookin' at?
The space between your teeth.
Mice!
Good afternoon, General.
General Podrido-Carnitas.
His excellency, General
Alejandro Podrido-Carnitas.
Ambassador
of the Republic of Argentina.
Ambassador Hajji Rastafani.
Archipelago of Palawan.
Unhand me!
Don't grab me like that!
Rastafani, Palawan!
Mister Ambassador.
Welcome, it's good
to see you again.
I can assure you,
Mister Cooper,
that my government
will file a sharp protest
over this shoddy treatment
of its dutifully
accredited representative,
um, oh yes.
The United States
values the friendship of Palawan
very highly, Mister Ambassador.
If you've been treated
discourteously,
I'll see
that whoever's responsible
is reprimanded.
Well, then you can start
with whoever is responsible
for the food.
In every other room,
they are being served caviar,
and quail, and fresh fruit,
and bananas.
And what do we get here?
Chicken balls
and fish guts.
Chicken giblets,
Mister Ambassador.
I know chicken balls
when I see them...
h-however briefly.
You-hoo, just a moment.
Don't go 'way.
You, just a...
Hi.
I ah, I forgot my camera.
I'll be right back.
Look out. Look out!
Hey, where you goin'?
Get outta my way!
Sir, that's not
a twist-off.
Is Rastafani filing
another protest?
Frankly, Hassan,
I don't blame him.
Oh, there has clearly been
a mistake, Tohfa.
There is no way
in the world
that your country
can be seated ahead of mine.
Their countries are pimples!
At best.
I told them to give us
a round table.
What do you think
you are doing, you Amazon?
Ha!
Excuse me.
Whatta you...
Sam!
You're supposed to be
walkin' down the aisle
in 15 minutes.
I know. I know!
I know!
Yuck.
Come here,
you bloody bastard!
Huh?
Come here, Riley.
Stop! Come here!
Hey!
Where's Riley goin'?
Let's go!
What's he doin'?
Come on,
move the bottle, huh?
Drive, let's go!
Drive, drive, drive!
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Schmucks!
Come on,
let's get outta here.
You can't help this.
I can't just...
Whoops, excuse me, you okay?
I'm not doing a very good job
as your best man.
Oh, it's my fault...
but Amanda will be furious.
Have you ever seen
Amanda furious?
I once saw her
mildly annoyed.
Well, then you know
what I mean.
Are you Cooper?
Yes.
The Assistant Secretary
wants to see you!
I'm, I'm late for a wedding.
Well, then I'd count on
being even later.
You don't understand,
it's, it's my wedding.
Well, then you have
nothing to worry about.
They can't start
without you.
This guy's great, huh?
Wait here.
Great! Great!
He's over there!
Well, move it!
- I'm movin'!
- I'm movin'!
Stop! Catch him!
Catch him!
I'm gonna kill him!
Hurry up!
Get him, will you?
Get him!
Get him! Get him!
Riley!
Hop in! Hop in!
- Follow that man!
- Follow that car!
I'm going to be late
for my wedding.
I can't believe it.
Well, tell 'em.
Excuse me.
Psst.
I gotta be--
The Assistant Secretary
will see you
as soon as
his schedule permits.
I'm not crazy
about that guy.
I can hardly wait
to twist his ass!
You should've
caught 'im before!
Shut up!
I'm callin' the shots here!
Now, drive!
Cooper!
Yes.
I have tried to keep
your duties circumscribed,
Cooper!
Sir--
Cooper, don't interrupt
when the Secretary's speaking.
You have
an inexhaustible supply
of new ways
to be found wanting.
I understand that crockery,
12-inch dinner plates,
property of
the United States Government,
and numerous other forms
of our national condiments,
were used in an impromptu game
of football by your charges!
Mister Secretary,
they were upset!
Evidently!
Sir, those folks
are so thoroughly
ignored by everyone
that it makes them...
well, it makes them
a little crazy.
Those folks,
as you so quaintly put it,
represent countries
whose collective budgets
couldn't even cover
the cost of replacing
the dinner plates,
or peanut barrels!
And I'm not
ignoring them.
I have given them you.
Your job is to see that they
limit their hostile acts
to diplomatic notes,
or self mutilation!
If you cannot do so,
there is always Post 361.
Three sixty-one?
In Greenland.
All right, now,
on to the next disaster.
Facing Amanda.
That won't be so tough.
Come on.
You look stunning, Mandy.
I wish Uncle Joe were here
to give you away.
He's our only family left.
How can you count on
a senile old scientist,
who's always trying
to save the world
with his chemistry set?
And where's
Mister Samuel Cooper?
Judy, go down and check again,
would you, please?
All he had to do
was travel a few miles
across town, and not get lost.
He's doing this
just to embarrass me!
Sam wouldn't do that, Mandy.
It's probably just something
out of his control.
Sam's whole life
is out of his control.
Listen, this is
your last chance,
you wanna change your mind?
Are you crazy?
A girl like Amanda?
She's great.
I don't know.
This is it.
Come on, pick up speed,
will ya?
What the hell you want
from me, shut up!
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot.
The Ambassador of Hong Kong,
Ambassador Chang gave me these.
What's this?
They're ah, pills
for the wedding night.
I know this stuff.
This is for hemorrhoids.
Pardon?
Go on, drive!
I want him dead!
I want that bastard dead,
go on!
Ted, can you hurry up, please?
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
All right. I'm sorry,
Just relax.
I don't wanna get you mad,
but I'd like to
get there on time.
Look out, buddy!
That guy's in one big hurry.
Ah, watch it!
Watch it! Watch it!
Serves ya right, asshole!
Anything broken, Sam?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, come on.
Should we pay for this?
No, the Navy'll take care of it,
- don't worry about this.
- Of course. Of course.
I don't have my wallet on me,
or I'd pay you something.
Boris!
Theodore.
Yes.
Samuel, Samuel!
Why are you smashing streets
on your wedding day?
I gotta get to my wedding,
I'm late!
Get in! Get in!
It's locked!
Boris Potemkin
will deliver you...
Well, unlock it!
This is terrific!
Unlock the door!
I do not believe this.
Open,
he can't open the door.
Let's go! It's his own car
he can't open the door!
I've got a wedding to...
It's fine!
Who's gonna pay for that?
The Navy.
Good thing
you came along, Boris.
I like your car.
Well, I, I, I, I drive
this product
of capitalist decadence
only to remind myself, daily,
how miserable I am
in your corrupt city.
Fortunately,
I can still listen
to the wonderful songs
of the Russian peasants,
with my
Kenwood 240-B amplifier.
With 24 R.M.S. watts
per channel.
And matching quadraphonics
that will absolutely
blow you up.
Blow you out.
Blow you out.
Eh, retractable roof.
Stolen from cosmonauts.
More power to the people!
Samuel.
Yeah.
Good luck, little brother.
All right.
See ya inside.
I'll find space.
They have valet parking.
I'll find space.
Not to worry, my dear.
I'm sure
he'll be here shortly.
I remember
waiting over nine hours
for a groom one time.
Now, there was a worried bride.
Actually, I'm not sure
that he showed up at all.
Honey, I'm sorry,
I'm late...
oh, my!
Amanda,
you look beautiful.
Honey,
I'm sorry I'm late!
The ministers
starting throwing plates.
The Secretary threatened
to send me to Greenland!
And Ted rammed
a pile of petunias.
Oh, in that order?
Hon-- Cindy,
you look very nice.
Honey, I'm, I'm, ah
not exactly sure of the order,
but ah...
Hi ya, Reverend.
Ah...
Were you surprised,
it's from my heart.
Don't worry, Amanda,
I'll have him back
in ten minutes,
clean as a whistle!
Start the music, Reverend.
You know,
it's her mother's dress.
Yeah, right.
Valentine's Day today?
What the hell's he doing?
Hey.
Where've you guys been?
Don't ask.
Ah, Don, find a men's shop
and get a new shirt.
You'll find the size inside.
Hey, you look nice.
Milo, I'm gonna have to go
and get this cleaned.
Ah, make sure
he stays put.
Where am I gonna go
in my underwear?
I saw Amanda,
she's got a dress,
you know,
it was her mother's...
My shoes...
they're in the bride's,
they're in the bride's...
you know where it is?
It's down the hall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Bridal Suite.
It's down the hall.
Lots of girls there,
you'll recognize it.
Holy smokes!
Okay.
Fish balls and chicken guts.
Oh.
Amanda.
Go to Greenland.
I do.
Oh, Peter, you know,
I forgot my lighter
in my tux, too.
- I was--
- Are you alone?
- What?
- Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
Expecting anybody?
No. I'm not expecting anybody.
Oh, I think I broke my ankle
comin' up the fire escape.
Oh, God.
You guys are a little late
for a bachelor party,
don't you think?
It's not funny.
Lock the other door.
All right.
All right, I'll--
- I'm not kidding!
- Lock it!
Come on!
Ah, okay.
All right, don't, don't,
just don't hit me.
Just don't,
just don't hit me.
Lock it!
Come on, move!
Holy... what the...
Lock that door, right now!
Lock it!
All right. All right.
Where are ya?
Get the other door!
I'll get you, Riley!
Get outta my way!
No, guns!
Think I'm a moron?
Where is he?
Look! On the bed!
There!
There, Riley!
Aah! Oh, my ankle.
The chair!
Shut up!
Beat it, punk!
The window!
- Ow!
- Enjoy the view.
Hey, Bush Face, over here.
That's it, over here.
Here I am.
Squaw Man!
Come on!
Come and get me.
Aw, come on, fellas,
you can find me.
Come on, over here.
Way to go, Grey.
Oh, look around!
By the door! By the door!
Oh, my God!
Look at 'im!
He deserves this!
Traitor!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Goddamn you, Riley!
Sam?
Sam?
I got your shoes.
He must've hidden it
in the car.
It's the only other place.
Sam?
Open the door, Sam.
Come on!
Sam, are you in there?
Are you all right, Sam?
I'm gonna go find Ted.
Oh, my God!
Don't move.
Look, don't move.
I'll get a doctor.
Sam! Open up, old buddy.
It's your best man, Sam,
and I'm waiting.
There's no time.
Look under the sofa.
Sam! What's going on in there?
Get...
This is not funny, Sam.
Amanda's on her way,
and she's upset.
Runkelman--
Huh?
Get it to Runkelman.
Samuel, open this door
immediately!
Did you hear me?
I said, immediately!
Sam, are you all right?
I, I can't stand it.
Take the knives out.
Sam, what the hell
are you doin' in there?
Please, take them out.
Samuel, I've had enough of this.
Sam, this is no time
to chicken out!
Take it out.
Sam, are you all right?
Sam...
The police
are down the hall.
Sam, there's a man standing here
with a badge and a gun.
- He's not laughing.
- First he's an hour late,
and now he's acting
like a mad man.
Take the other one.
Sam, open up!
Open the door, right now!
Samuel, I'm waiting out here.
Runkelman.
Open this door!
I'm comin' in!
What is wrong with him?
This is your last chance!
Open this door!
Where is he?
No! No!
- Tell 'em what happened.
- He's nude!
Don't shoot!
He's armed!
Sam, wait! Don't run!
Don't shoot!
Sam, give up!
Where is he?
Please.
Where is he?
Call headquarters
and get some men down here
to seal off the hotel!
Check all the rooms
on this floor.
I gotta find him before
these trigger-happy lunatics
turn him into Swiss cheese.
I think the ceremony
is going to be delayed,
my dear.
Perhaps you should
serve dinner to your guests.
They're probably
quite hungry by now.
And we can perform
the ceremony afterwards.
I'm canceling the ceremony.
I trust you're not
canceling dinner as well.
Excuse me,
do you work here?
No.
Ya know,
this is a service elevator,
employees only.
What is that,
a 40 regular?
No, it's a 38.
Phone for you.
What? Hello?
Look, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Are there any other exits
on this level?
No, no, none, none.
How about the garage?
Take out.
The garage?
Yes, two. Here and here.
What's the matter?
N-n-nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
Ah, excuse me.
What the hell is this?
What does he think?
- Does he think--
- I don't know.
...let Riley coldcock me, man.
Did you get it?
Ah, no, Mister Ten Duyck.
We, ah, we searched
Riley's car, his clothes.
He must've dropped it
along the way.
Tell me, Carter,
do you think it likely
that Riley would have
dropped it...
after risking his life
to get it?
Ah, no, sir.
Then, he must have
given it to someone.
No, no, he couldn't have.
We were right behind him
every step of the way.
He didn't have a chance.
Riley was dead
when we left him!
He couldn't have
given it to him!
Klieg, was he dead
when you left?
He looked dead.
Yes.
You didn't make sure?
We couldn't.
The police were about to
come through the door.
We had to get outta there.
I see.
Well, gentlemen...
this is more serious
than I thought.
A lot more serious.
Klieg...
Yes, Mister Ten Duyck.
Find Cooper!
Find him before the police do!
And hope he doesn't realize
what he has in his possession!
Yes, sir!
Now!
Yes, sir!
Not you, Carter!
I have another job for you!
Carter's finished. That's it.
So what?
Cops!
Aw, man!
What the hell?
Sorry, Sam,
she's not going to see you.
She won't even open
her bedroom door to talk to me!
Ooh, she'd never
believe it anyway.
Let's see this head.
Oh! Thanks
for the first aid.
You're welcome.
Oh, that stings.
Hey, why don't you
give me a try?
I'll believe you.
Okay.
As I was saying...
there was this...
metal sphere.
This sphere in mid-air.
And a voice.
Just a voice.
And it said,
"I've broken my ankle."
And then it said,
"Lock the other door."
And then...
just as I was about to lock it,
the door popped open...
and the next thing I knew,
I was lying on the floor
beside a naked man
with two knives in his back.
And that was all?
No!
No, no, that... no.
Except...
for this.
Just before he died,
he told me, "Get it...
to Runkelman".
Who's Runkelman?
I wish I knew.
I don't even know
what that is.
Except I think that somebody
got killed over it.
Wow.
Hmm.
There's no smell.
Let's see what it does
to the table.
It's not acid.
Don't touch it!
Cindy, a man got killed
over this stuff!
I'd like to find out
what it is!
It's kind of slippery.
I don't like this.
Let's get it analyzed.
Yeah, looks like
we'll have to.
Wait a minute,
I'll have to.
You're not gettin' involved.
Oh, I plan to get
very involved.
Oh, ya know,
you're very cute.
I'll send ya
hourly reports, okay?
She must be pretty pissed.
Sam!
Yeah.
You're very pale!
I'm very pale.
You'd be pale too,
if the entire Washington, D.C.
police department
was out looking for you,
wouldn't you?
Not that pale!
Where is my hand?
Where's my other hand?
Wherever
the rest of you went!
What the heck.
What's happening to me?
Am I all gone!
You seem to be.
I, I can feel you!
I, I just can't see you.
Ah, this is great,
just great!
What if I don't come back?
That other man came back.
Oh, yeah, sure he did,
two seconds before he died!
Check it out!
You asshole.
You punk faggot!
At least the police will have
a hard time finding you.
Holy cow!
Looking like this,
anybody would have
a hard time finding me.
I can go anywhere.
The Treasury.
The Pentagon.
I can march
right into the Oval Office.
No wonder that poor guy
in the hotel
was killed for this stuff.
Yeah.
Sam!
Who are those guys?
They're, they're the ones
who broke into my hotel room!
Cooper!
What are you doing?
I got an idea,
just get in the house.
I can't help
from the house.
I'm staying right here.
Don't argue with me, Cindy.
I don't want you to get hurt.
They're not
going to do anything
- out here in the open.
- Just get inside! Now!
I said get in!
Move it!
Hand over the container, Cooper!
That's all we want.
Before things get
a little messy around here.
Messy.
Diplomatic douche.
Hey, ah, can we talk
about this, guys?
Maybe we can
make a little deal.
Let's get 'im before
he peels those clothes off!
The invisible wimp.
- You guys are pushin' your lick.
- Make a deal.
Oh, Cindy...
get in the house!
Sam, run!
I'm running, I'm running!
Gonna kill you, Cooper!
I'm gonna shoot
those hearts off your ass!
Get around him.
Well, get outta my way, you...
Get 'im!
Get up! Get up!
Get off me!
Naw, that's the wrong size.
What, are you blind?
Hurry.
I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!
Hey, this is really a blast.
Well, I'm glad you think so.
Hang on!
Wait! Stop the car!
What? What is it?
This'll fix those cretins.
Here.
I can't believe you, Sam.
The tires!
Bust 'em!
Bust 'em!
Mwah!
Was that a kiss?
Well, it was sort of
a brotherly peck on the cheek.
Well, it's a start.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
Nice school.
Lots of girls.
Right.
Well, if I'm like
the guy in the hotel,
I'll be comin' back.
So, I'll need some clothes.
I know.
I can go out
and buy you some.
- Great.
- Hi, Miss Worth.
Good morning, girls.
You can wait in my office
until I get back.
Sam?
Hi. Oops!
Windy day, huh?
What's your major?
Sam!
Stepped on a sharp rock,
that's all.
I'll bet!
You're not only barefooted,
you're stark naked,
in the middle
of a girl's school!
So, behave yourself!
One kiss on the cheek,
and you act like
we've been married 40 years.
Aah.
Okay, what are your sizes?
Okay, let's see,
ah, 15 collar,
32 sleeve, 45 waist...
...thirty-one.
Thirty-one.
You stay here!
Hey, I'm rooted like a tree.
Oh, Cindy, gimme the sphere.
Thanks.
Okay, well, you might as well
make yourself comfortable.
There's cold drinks
in the 'fridge there,
right behind you.
Oh, good. Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I won't be long.
Take your time,
and hurry back.
Hmmm. Runkelman.
Janet, this is Sam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
the police are lookin' for me.
That's why I need to find
the addresses of
everyone named Runkelman,
Runkelman, who lives
in the Washington area.
All right,
I'll call you.
Thanks, Janet.
Oh, shit!
She's gonna kill me.
I gotta find somethin'
to clean this up.
Well, maybe in here.
She has to have something.
Well, a towel or some--
Holy Toledo, Cooper,
you've died and gone to heaven.
Oh, my God,
lots of suds!
Easy, easy.
Keep your cool.
Keep your cool.
Oop.
Well, as long as I'm here...
help a little.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh.
Now, now girls.
There's...
nothing to be upset, ah--
Miss Worth,
there's someone in here!
It's just your
imagination, Terry.
I'm sure
that there's no one in here.
Hey!
Ow!
What was that?
Oh, my God!
Justice.
What are you doin'
slappin' me like that?
I only came here
to clean somethin' up.
I was doin' it for you.
A grown man peeping
at little girls!
Terrible!
You know, I can't believe
that you did that!
You put my job in jeopardy.
Cindy, would you just
look at the papers?
You don't understand.
You should be sorry
for what you've done.
I am.
I truly am.
I am, I'm very,
very, very sorry.
You look it.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, little girl.
I've seen 'em before,
you know.
Seen what?
Bare feet.
Precocious.
Thank you.
Cindy, you're not coming
and that's final.
I told you,
I don't want you involved.
Sam, I already am involved.
Those thugs
saw me drive you away.
Well, we'll have to
get you outta town.
Look, did I save
your ass or not?
You did.
All right, then,
I've got rights.
Tough lady.
You bet.
All right.
Okay, we'll start by going
through the nine Runkelmans
listed as living
in Washington.
I suppose it is my fault.
If I hadn't driven
you and Ted to the hotel,
you would never
have become involved.
So...
do you have it with you?
I'm not that dumb, Boris.
No, no, of course not.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Your people
will get it out of you.
And if they can't,
they'll turn you over
to my people.
And, my people
will get it out of you.
I-I-I'm sorry,
I was nervous.
What do you mean,
"my people", Boris?
I'll let them
explain that to you.
So,
we will take my car, please.
Hmm?
Look, Boris, ah...
Cindy has nothing
to do with this.
Has she taken any of it?
No.
No.
But you have?
Yes.
That is too bad.
That is too bad.
Look, Boris,
just let her go!
It's highly unprofessional.
But I suppose friendship
must count for something.
Yeah.
This never happened, young lady.
For your own sake.
None of it.
I understand.
Take this, please.
I don't want to litter.
Move your body
forward, please.
Samuel.
Samuel!
Come, Samuel.
Come, Samuel.
Come along.
I don't understand.
Why should our State Department
cooperate with yours?
If the United States
has the formula
and the Russians
have the formula,
then what good
is it to either?
But neither of us
wants to have it.
We want to destroy it!
It's destabilizing.
It's destabilizing?
You see, the world
is divided in half, hmm?
You control your half,
we control ours.
Everyone is very happy.
But if some third country
should get hold of this formula,
the entire balance
would be upset.
In the Kremlin,
my associates are turning white
at the prospect of
a hundred million
invisible Chinese
marching into Minsk.
That's destabilizing.
It is very destabilizing.
But Boris,
the thing that...
Samuel, my friend, talk.
It's good for your own good.
Are you going to tell us
where this formula is?
Yes or no?
Sammy...
Yes, or no.
Boris, we've been through this before,
I told you, I don't know where it is.
Why do you want it?
Why?
I'll tell you why, Cooper.
Because for one thing, we don't want
20 million invisible Mexicans
strolling across the Texas border.
They don't seem to have much
trouble even when they're visible.
Why are you people always
stepping on the underdogs?
Rubbish, Cooper! Pure rubbish!
Borscht, Samuel. Speaking pure
bullshit borscht.
Yes?
Cooperate, my friend.
Samuel you are stubbing your
nose to spite your face!
Oh, I had so much fun the
other night, oh I couldn't believe it.
Oh, God.
YOU hang up first, sweetie.
Mmmm kissing sound
Mmmm, mmmm, come on!
Hang up, Walter.
Come on, hang up Walter!
Clears throat Rastafani, Panawan.
I demand to see the Assistant Secretary.
Ohhhh, Walter.
Pleeeease.
Ohhhh
Come to my apartment for dinner.
Let me take you for a drink first.
What's your problem, buddy?
If you do not buzz Mr. Bummer,
within the very next second,
You willl know the full wrath of
the people of Panawan.
Take back your fish balls
and chicken guts!
Miss Dawson, I thought I told you,
I do not wish to be disturbed.
I don't expect you to understand the
subtlety of political considerations
involved here, Cooper.
You will just turn over whatever amount
of the formula you have in your possession
and that will be the end of it.
Has he taken any of it?
Yes, I'm afraid so.
What does it matter?
Residues, Cooper.
Chemical residues in your tissues.
My tissues?
Your body could be analyzed
to obtain the formula.
You mean you wanna kill me.
Of course not, Cooper. We have
no desire to kill you.
We will, however, have
to destroy your body.
It's gonna be a little difficult
to get a hold of another one.
The Department expects you
to do your duty, Cooper.
Even if it does inconvenience you somewhat.
May I?
It's tradition.
Mr. Secretary!
Not now, Ms. Dawson!
Uh...
Sorry, sir, but uh...
Mr. Bummer!
The United Nations will hear of your even
persuasions in that of your staff!
Mr. Cooper is obviously under a great
amount of pressure!
I demand an explanation for all
of this sick behaviour
and, and, rejections!
You're so miserable, and and and
so un-romantic!
He's cute.
Keep them out of here!
Enough! Get him! Search him!
Don't waste any more time, Cooper!
Where's the stuff?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Sam! Over here!
Cindy? Here!
Catch!
It's the formula.
Samuel. Samuel!
Kill him, you fool!
Here. You shoot him.
Come on! Come on!
Drink it! Drink it!
Cindy! I'll be with you in a flash.
Sam, over here! By the door!
Sorry about the desk, fellas.
Pardon me, fatso.
You too, Mr. Bummer.
Clear the way, Miss!
You stupid jackass! Move!
Sorry, Haji!
Follow me, Sam!
Sorry, kid! We're in a hurry.
Hop in, Cindy. We're goin' for a ride.
Oh, look, there's a
letter here from your mother.
Weeeeeeee!
Amanda, watch out!
Sorry, sis!
Sam! Cindy! Where are you?
I'll explain later!
Cindy, are you alright?
Yes. Sorry, we gotta go!
Home free!
See you later, Mandy!
Boris! What is going on?
It's very difficult for me to explain.
I think, perhaps, another revolution.
Excuse me.
Samuel. Samuel, you ????
You stupid ????
It's that pug-faced goon!
Yeah, duck!
Hey, buddy! Off the windshield,
you're blocking the view!
Hey! Stop the car!
Hey! I said stop the car!!
Suspect escaped from the
State Department only moments ago.
Uh, the last seen as invisible, vast pooko?
white, caucasian, 5'10, 160 lbs,
was nude just before disappearing, and
according to Lord Bummer, Mr. Secretary Of State,
Mr. Cooper has a large dimple, on
his right buttock.
Hahahahah!
- Sam, the police!
- Yeah, just act natural.
Hey! Am I crazy, or am I crazy??
I am gonna retire and work at McDonald's!
Well let's put some grease on the
skillet and fry that gentleman.
Cindy, you alright?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Let's go!
You always park like that?
Hey! Stop or we'll shoot!
Cindy, one of us is back
and it isn't me.
gasp! Sam, don't you
dare look at me!
Devil is comin'!
And I don't see no male dimples!
Hey, what is that?!
Hey, miss! Hey, lady! Stop!
- Forget it, man!
- No we wanna talk to you!
We wanna talk to you!
Miss!
Miss! Come here! Don't!
Don't go up there!
Can you see her?
Help me up, will ya!
Let's go!
Where the heck are we?
Well we're sure not at the Potomac!
Come here. Up here. Behind the tree.
There's our target!
I hate to fire on such a pretty target!
Stay put or we'll have to hit ya!
Hey, fellas, what're you
getting so mad about?
Hold the light steady!
It's hard to concentrate, man!
Aaahh! Get it off me! Heel!
Come on, Cindy, let's run for it!
Easy for you to say!
It's not your ass being shot at!
Come on, to the water!
Oh! Oh, it's cold!
Come on, just take my hand!
Why Ted's place?
Well we can't go to my place or yours
'cause they'll be watching.
Maybe Ted'll help us find Runkelman.
That'll be 8 dollars, Miss.
Where's the dingus?
Wait a minute, I hope we haven't lost it.
Oh, here it is.
Put it back. Here.
Ah, I'm so itchy...
Excuse me, lady.
I've been dyin' to ask you something
for the past 15 minutes, but...
I didn't want to interrupt your
conversation in the back seat.
Are you a, ummm.... magician?
A ventriloquist?
A transvestite?
Or a hooker from the jungle?
I'll waive my fair if you're up
for some uh, monkey business.
Here, champ. Why don't you buy yourself
10 bucks worth of bananas and keep the change?
Good night, sir.
Yeah, have a good one, pal.
I could sure use a flea collar.
Cindy! This is it.
Right back here.
Hope he left the key...
Me too...
Where is it, I can't find it...
My God?? What's going on?
Ding-Dong!
- I got it.
- Good.
Hey. Hey. Hey Hey!
I'm still out here!
Thanks.
Oh, my!
Come to bed already!
There's no robe in the bathroom!
Well uh, look in the closet.
Very nice!
Yeah, Ted's girlfriend
left 'em when she split.
Oh, I think there's some underwear
in the top drawer.
Oh, really! How cozy.
Ted came out ahead.
Haha, not really.
In exchange, she took his car,
his stereo and his Cuisinart.
Well I'm going to take his shower.
So why don't you relax,
and light up a fire?
Ho ho ho ho ho, yeah.
Oh... shit.
Well....
What do you think?
Ummmm...
Oh, that's uh, very nice.
What's wrong, Sam?
Uhhhh, gee.
I just made a mess of things.
It's not your fault that man
burst in your room and died.
Ho ho, ho ho, sure.
I panicked!
Anyone would have!
Uhhh, and now you've taken this stuff.
You know, they wanna kill you too.
They'll have to catch us first.
Ho, hoho, great.
- We can't run forever.
- We'll find Runkelman!
Ah, Runkelman... I don't care
about myself.
But never... I never shoulda
let you get involved.
Never, I kept tellin' ya.
Sam...
Oh, this is embarrasing.
I don't care if they ever do catch us.
At least they'll catch us together.
Cindy, that's my ear, not my nose.
You're a difficult target.
Um, Cindy?
Um, that's... my nose.
Ya know, it's easier when you help.
Uh, yeah?
Lemme kiss you again.
Well maybe we can get a little
comfortable here, it wouldn't hurt.
I've been waiting for this
for a long time.
Oh, my...
Holy smokes...
Clears throat Uh, Cindy?
Clears throat
Ya know, now that I'm thinking about it,
it's a little warm in here, don't you think?
Uh, yeah!
Maybe I'll uh, I'll walk over here...
Open a window....
Yeah, fresh air in here...
Hmm, looks like some guys
are playin' a game of poker!
The weekly meeting of the Washington
Astrophysical and Observation Society
will come to order.
No old business, no new business!
Move to adjourn.
Control yourself!
The report of the Flower Committee?
The usual anonymous dozen roses were
sent to the outstanding couple of last week.
I thought they deserved two dozen.
Only exceptional achievements are
awarded two dozen, Terrence.
Any old business?
No old business, no new business.
Move to adjourn?
Second?
In favour?
Meeting is adjourned!
Let's try the couple in 3G.
Hubba, Hubba!
No good! They had a fight,
and she moved!
In with that guy in 4F.
The one who keeps his blinds closed?
Yeah.
Let's sweep the 5th floor, then!
Oh... Ohh... Oooooohhh
Archibald. Archibald!
What's Wrong? What's wrong?
He dropped his monocle!
Archibald, what'd you see?
R-Rooooom.. Three... Twelve...
What muscle control!
Huh-huh-hubba!
Huh-ba!! Ha ha
What an imagination!
Hubba hubba...
Hubba!
Huh? She turned the lights off!
Switch to infrared!
Ah! This is a time for celebration!
I'm going to get us
some champagne bubbly!
Hubba hubba!
Hubba! Hubba!
Keep my instrument warm, gentlemen!
Until I return!
...breasts are levitating!
Oh my God, her pelvis is rising!
Oh and it's gyrating too!
I must go for my EKG!
Hubba hubba!
Whatcha doing?
Watching you.
That's nice.
You know, a lot of folks are
out there looking for us.
They wanna destroy our bodies.
Oh, I'm not gonna let
them destroy yours.
At least not 'til I've used it all.
Pardon me.
Doorbell rings
Alright already!
Who's there?
Delivery.
Here you go.
Four dozen roses.
Just sign right here.
Thanks, pal.
No tip, man?
Look, I'll catch ya next time, OK?
Scandal, man. Scandal.
What goes on, here?
Morning!
What is it?
Somebody sent Ted four dozen roses.
Who?
Uh, Fort Myers.
Wow, he really gets around.
Yeah, it's what he does.
How about some breakfast?
Mmm! Sounds good.
K.
Commander Duran here.
Ted.
Sam, where are you? I got the whole
city of Washington looking for you!
At your place.
Just stay there.
Where were you last night?
With a lady.
Oh. You got some flowers from
four of your old ones.
Look, what have you been up to?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Look, I'll be right over.
Uh, Ted, uh...
I'm in over my head here.
I need your help.
You got it.
Just get here, alright?
I will.
Just stay there.
Thank you.
It's a Class A breakfast.
Yeah.
Amanda can't cook a lick, you know.
Mmm.
You know, I can't remember why
I didn't wanna marry you.
Oh, Ted's here.
Hope he can help us find Runkelman.
Hey. Hey. Wait. Wait!
I don't think so.
Why not?
Because Boris is with him!
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Elevator!
Hey. Sam!
Sam! Cindy!
Shit!
Let's go to the basement.
Together Circle the block!
Aah!
Ow!
You alright?
But the thing is...
Well let's just...
- Sir! Can I have that? - Yes!
- Thank you. - Of course, of course.
I say...
Hellooooooo.
Hello.
Look, would you mind giving
my friend and I a little ride?
- I'd be delighted! -Terrific.
- Yes, this way my dear.
Is this thing fast?
Floor it!
- It them the coup. -Flew.
- She flew the....
Who cares? He's gone!
Why don't you ??? go home
Who do you think you are?
Hey, hey! Roughneck!
Shame!
Get outta the way!
Why don't you all gather
'round me for a minute.
This is the oldest, continually-used legislative
structure in the western hemisphere.
Although it was burned by the British
in 1812...
It was... re-built and... re-constructed
by what are you, crazy? 18.... 17....
Uhhhh...
Why don't you continue with me
to the east wing?
You let him get away.
He has the stuff!
Any time he wants, he can
make himself invisible!
Just like you!
It's your fault he has the stuff.
It was pug-face's fault!
He saw them at the State Department!
Spit on me?? Yo-yo.
Not gonna take the blame.
Stop!
Who's fault was it that he escaped
from the girl's house with the sphere?
I want you to go to this address.
Not you.
No.
You, my brave Indian.
Take the dummy on your left.
You're going to Runkelman's.
And if Cooper happens to show up,
I'd advise you not to let him
slip through your fingers.
I have other duties for you, Blade.
Someone has to watch Cooper's place.
Right.
OK, why don't we stop here
for a minute.
The Capital dome is completely
constructed of cast iron.
It was designed by
Thomas Eustace Walter
And the design was....
Be cool, be cool. Let's go.
Come on....
The design was completed on
December 2nd, 1863.
Don't touch him! Don't touch him!
Look, I know you don't know us, but...
we need a car, would you mind?
Well of course we'd like very
much to help you, but,
This car is, uh... is irreplaceable!
It's almost as old as we are!
And besides, it's not up to me.
We all own it together.
For me?
Huh?
But it...
Whattya say?
Done. Terrific!
Hooray!
This'll work out just fine.
And I promise we'll bring it back...
without a scratch.
Oh, no worries
I wanna take a picture
Take care
Smile for the picture.
Reach right down - yeah, right
there is where you start it.
Alright, this is - this -
well, this beats my Toyota!
Don't make 'em like they used to.
- OK, thanks a lot!
- OK, thanks a lot, buh-bye!
Mr. Runkelman?
Huh!?
Mr. H. Runkelman?
Just one minute, I will see
if I can find him.
I just remembered - I am Herman
Gustov ??? Runkelman.
What do you want, anyway?
If this is the one, we're in a
lot of trouble.
Uh... Does this mean anything
to you, Mr. Runkelman?
What is it.... can you drink it?
You OK?
Uh... we're sorry we've bothered you,
Mr. Runkelman.
Herman Gustov ???? Runkelman,
to you.
Of course.
Goodnight.
It's daytime.
Step right up and see our lovely
ladies do their thing, right inside!
Come on, let your eyes demand what
your heart knows and understands!
Come on, now! It's as good for
you as it is to you!
We partyin' all the time!
How many?
Uh....
How many??
Are you... Sarah... Runkelman?
What's it to you??
Are you...
Does this mean anything to you?
Step right up and....
Look, are you buyin' tickets
or sellin' diaphragms?
What is this, some kinda marital aid??
Get this stuff outta here.
Ya know, we saw Sin Flesh, uh, thanks.
Yeah, I hope you learned
something too, son.
Like the show? Come on, now!
Awww, well come back another time.
You'll be glad you did.
- How many left?
- This is the next to last one.
Jack Runkelman. That's it, it must
be down near the pier.
Hey, look! There's your car!
Jackpot. This is it.
Alright, we're gonna go up the stairs.
You keep low.
You too.
God... Just don't panic,
and just hold on to me.
OK. OK? Alright?
You OK? Yeah, I
still have the purse.
Don't do that again.
You and I are going
on a little fishing trip.
Don't move!
Ted...
- Sam...
- I said, don't move... or I'll shoot.
You gonnna shoot me with your little finger?
No, a 7.5mm Beretta, and I mean it.
Alright, Sam.
Let's go.
What'd you do with Runkelman?
How'd you find out about Runkelman?
Nevermind, where is he?
He won't do you any good...
I'll decide that when I find him.
Now where is he?
If I were you, I'd move in here,
so your friends don't get wise.
Alright...
Ted! I thought you were my friend,
but I don't know who you are!
And I don't know what's going on,
but I have to find Runkelman.
So cut the malarky, and help me!
You found him! Runkelman's
my operating name.
Riley, the guy who died on you at
the hotel, was trying to contact me.
You told me you were an engineer.
I'm sorry, Sam. Navel Intelligence.
You better give me the stuff.
I don't have it on me.
You lie, Samuel.
Course you have it on you.
I think your 7.5mm Beretta is
in the other pocket.
In Russia, we call those worms,
not Berettas.
So....
Let's have the sphere.
I think that's a fair trade, even
by western standards.
I suppose you'd search us.
If necessary.
This...
Go ahead, give it to them.
It's OK. What are we gonna do?
Catch.
Well that's half the case.
All we need now is Ten Duyck.
Who's Ten Duyck?
I think you've met some
of his errand boys.
Ten Duyck murdered the inventor
about a month ago.
So we know Ten Duyck has the formula.
Now, he could make a deal right now, but
he stands to make a much bigger sale...
if he's the only one that has the stuff.
That's why he's after you, Sam.
Which brings us to a major problem.
Yeah I know, residues.
Damnit, Boris, I can't do it!
Sam's a friend of mine!
He's not my friend, I don't know this boy.
But I have orders, and so do you.
And the penalty for disobeying orders is a
firing squad - IF my superiors are merciful.
And if they're vindictive, they'll sentence me
to live in Moscow for the rest of my life.
Alright, go.
Come.
Go!
Hey, stonehead!
Runkelman.
I wish to speak to Mr. Cooper.
Sam.
whispers It's Ten Duyck.
Yes?
A friend of yours wishes to say hello.
Sam!! Who is this man??
Sam?? Let me go!!
Amanda!
Recognize the voice?
Listen, if you hurt her...
She will not be hurt if you bring me the
sphere by four o'clock. Here's the address.
Keep it between us, Mr. Cooper.
You understand?
The treasury...
I got it. OK.
That was foolish, Sam.
Oh, no, Sam's foolish!
Listen, Boris. Cool it!
If you call in the navy, the red army,
the marines, whoever...
he'll hurt Amanda.
She's not gonna get hurt, we know
how to do this thing.
Uhhh, well....
It looks like you've got some company.
Let's go!
Yeeeeeee heeee!
Get the boat!
Come back! Come back!
Head 'em off.
Come on! Come on!
Come on, Cochise!
We gotta get to the money room!
OK! OK!
Damn. Get in!!
They're gone!
- Get the car!
- We don't know where they're going!
Yeah, but they do!
Boris, we can't follow too closely.
Scream - Lookie here
Don't touch her, buddy!
- Shut up!
- Don't worry about her, pal.
You try anything, Cooper, and you're
gonna have a nipple on your ass.
Let's go take a look at the money exhibit.
You're Ten Duyck. I shoulda figured
you'd be using the stuff.
And where's Amanda?
Shut up.
We had a deal! Where's Amanda?
I said shut up!
Here it is.
A wire frame??
A wire frame!
I got it.
A most brilliant observation.
My hat's off to you, Mr. Samuel Cooper.
I'm so glad that you all could make it.
Drop your guns.
I'll take that now, my dear.
I know you helped yourself to
my merchandise, you fools.
If only Professor Hisenbrook hadn't...
Uncle Joe!
Yes, my dear. You have a more
talented family than you know.
But a stubborn one.
Your uncle Joe refused to be sensible.
He wanted my help in distributing his formula...
as an ode to mankind.
He was totally insensitive to the millions to
be made by selling it to a foreign power.
And as for you, Mr. Samuel Cooper,
by rights I should shoot you right now!
Nooo!
You caused me a great deal of trouble.
Please don't kill him, please!
Oh, very touching, aren't you.
I can see from your expressions that the
formula is beginning to wear off.
Well, it doesn't matter now because shortly,
I'll disappear from this place,
and this country.
Modern technology.
I don't believe this.
I always knew you were sweet on Samuel.
You never loved him, did you?
No. But I needed to marry him.
You see, his diplomatic contacts
would have allowed me to negotiate the sale
of the formula at my leisure
without raising suspicion.
Where's Uncle Joe?
Awww, the same place his man Riley
wound up, for interfering.
Amanda.
Don't do it.
Give myself up, Samuel?
Like a good little girl?
But I'm not a good little girl.
I'm a greedy little girl.
Not yet, gentlemen.
My private little stash.
Good to the last drop.
And now to my ex-groom.
And my ex-Maid Of Honor.
And other assorted ex-wedding guests.
The party's over.
Sorry, fella.
Cindy, be careful.
Amanda!
Amanda!
Sam, get outta the way!
Sam, move! I can't shoot!
Let me just talk to you, wait! Please!
Outta my way!
Damnit!
Where is she?
I dunno!
- Look.
- To hell with you!
- There. There!
- Watch it.
Be careful, Sam.
Cindy, stay here!
Be careful, Sam!
You'll never catch me!
You're wasting your time!
Amanda! Amanda, no!
Go down. Go down!
I'll cover from here. Be careful!
- Watch it!
- Secure the door! Stay put, Cindy.
Amanda!
Stay away from me!
Sam, don't be a fool!
Sam, get away!
Lemme get a shot at her!
Come on with this damn door!
Ugh!
Stop, Amanda, or I'll shoot!
- No! Don't shoot! Noooo!
- Watch it, you oaf! Let go!
See ya later!
Boris ... Sam, stay back!
Amanda!
- Sam, don't go over there!
- Sam, don't be crazy!
It's not worth it!
Get out of the way!
Boris, go to the controls and
stop that belt!
No!!
Sam, you can't trust her!
No!!
I can't get up!
Sam, don't go!
Sam!
Sam, you gotta help me!
Do something, Boris!
Come on!
Sam, I can't get up, you gotta
grab my hand, Sam!
For God's sake, somebody stop this thing!
Grab my hand, Sam!
- Sam, get off there!
- Sam, please!
You gotta help me!
Amanda, where are you?
Sam! I'm falling!
- Amanda! Sam!
- No! No, please!
Where are you?
Sam, come out!
Stop this thing!
Come and help me! Sam!
Boris! Stop the belt!
Please, don't give up, Boris!
Come on!
- Sam!
- Boris, stop the belt! Stop the belt!
I can't!
Please, stop this thing!
Amanda, try to reach me!
Take my hand!
Amanda! Amanda! No!
Amanda! Oh, God...
I tried, I really tried. I....
God damnit!
I tried...
Now what?
I have a surprise for you.
You'll disappear for a while.
Thanks, Boris.
You guys better get outta here.
You weren't planning on double-crossing
me, were you, Boris?
The trouble is, I would have to take that
stuff back to Moscow personally.
So?
So, its 20 degrees below zero
this time of year.
The, uh... rings, please.
Do we have the rings?
Yes.
Uh, place them on each other's fingers.
Uh, honey? I can't find your hand.
Here, I'm so nervous, my hand's shaking.
Have you placed them on each other's fingers?
Uh, yes.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Now, the bride.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With the authority vested in me by the
Distrcit of Columbia,
I now pronouce you...
Actually I'm not sure that a ceremony
performed blindfolded is canonically acceptable.
However, I'm sure we can find a
precedent.
Man and wife, you may kiss the bride.
Hubba, hubba!
Ah, such a lovely couple!
Sammy. Sam! Cindy!
Hubba, hubba!
- Excuse me. Best man.
- Oh, of course.
- Thank you, Boris!
- Congratulations!
Glad you could be here.
Anchors away.
Samuel!
Go from it! FOR it.
For it!
Hey, uh, hey listen, we're gonna have to uh...
stay out of sight for a couple of weeks
until, uh...
until these residues are gone, OK guys?
That shouldn't be any problem.
Here, catch!
Merry Pruzba!
Thanks, comrade!