The Matchmaker's Playbook (2018) Movie Script

[Ian V.O.] The tea? Cinnamon.
The girl? Late.
Twenty three minutes late.
Two more minutes and I'm
[bell rings as door opens]
[Ian V.O] They were always nervous.
Which was expected.
I knew what I looked like.
Chiseled? Check.
hair that somehow manages
to look wavy and thick
all the damn time?
Sexy crooked smile?
And don't even get me
started on penis size.
It just gets better
the farther south you go.
Trust me.
Or sit. But I doubt that's the
way to get on the good side of
that barista you've been trying
not to check out
since you walked in that door.
SHELL I haven't...
Jealousy is a crucial emotion
men feel before falling in love.
I won't bite.
- Yet.
- [gasps]
Take it.
I hate tea.
No. You love tea.
- Smile.
- What?
Hey... you, uh... guys need
I'll send my girlfriend over
if we need something,
how's that?
Thanks though.
Stop fidgeting and sit up
Sorry. It's just that he's only
talked to me twice, and
only ever to ask if I wanted
sugar in my coffee.
He hates coffee.
[steam gushes loudly]
Touch me.
Stop staring, or we're done.
Now laugh.
[giggles nervously]
That'll do too.
Shell, if you need anything,
let me know. Okay?
I think I'm good with my tea.
You hate tea.
No. She loves tea.
He knows my name.
Who are you?
Ian Hunter. Master wingman
and your only chance in hell
of getting...
Here you go. Appreciate it.
When do we start?
Three minutes ago.
How was she?
Because if she's not a good fit,
I have another girl
that offered to pay me
in sexual favors
to move her to the top.
No, cross her off. If she knows
how to give favors,
she knows how to
get her own damn man.
And Gabi says if you
don't make it tonight for dinner
she's going to glue your hand
to your penis.
Though she was much
more graphic.
Always is. I'm on my way.
See you there.
[car phone beeps]
[Ian V.O.] I didn't pick this life. It's
not like I woke up one morning
and went, "Whoa, wouldn't
it be so badass
to help women get the guy.
I'm a coach. And coaches
have their playbooks,
it's not enough to know
how to play the game,
you have to know
how to read the plays,
know your opponent.
That's what Wingmen, Inc.
Is about.
Who better to teach women
how not to get played
- than the actual player?
- [car phone beeps]
To what do I owe this pleasure?
I'm not your client, Ian.
Cut with the smooth-talking
love coach voice.
You promised!
I did.
You forgot, didn't you?
Of course not. Come on.
Sometimes I wonder
why we're friends.
Because you like watching me
while I sleep?
One time, Ian!
The welcome party
for my two new roommates?
You were supposed to bring the
chips and dip?
I'm sorry, Gabs. I'll be there
in fifteen minutes.
You better.
[phone beeps]
[car alarm chirps]
Wow. Your top looks gorgeous
with your skin tone.
[Ian V.O.] Sometimes it was just too easy.
You said fifteen minutes.
Did I say fifteen? Could have
sworn I said twenty.
You smell like cheap perfume.
Seriously, you smell bad, dude.
Go. Shower. I'll put out
the food.
Your extra clothes
are still in my room.
Just... Get rid of the skank.
She has a name, you know.
Although, I really couldn't
read her nametag
with her lips wrapped around me,
she was blocking the view.
One day you're going to get
Or is it smote?
That sounds dirty.
Can't wait to try that.
Kinda had you pegged for a
boyshorts girl.
What are you doing in my room?
You mean Gabi's room.
I mean my room.
And you are?
Look, I've got about
three minutes
before Gabi hands me my ass.
Did you want to go on the bed
or the floor, since you're
already there?
What are you talking about?
Down to about two minutes.
I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna
be a little difficult,
but I could probably conjure
something up that would cause
a little panting.
Maybe a scream or two.
A scream?
Are you a stripper for
the party?
Come on. About ten seconds
and I don't even think I can
perform miracles of this...
- caliber.
- Get out of my room.
You mean Gabi's room.
We switched.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, so... That would make
Gabi's room...?
Your loss. Could have
rocked your world.
My world doesn't need rocking.
Every girl needs to allow her
world to be rocked,
at least once.
Or, if said rocking is
coming from moi?
Sometimes twice.
It's a little more complicated
than that.
It's not just ones and zeroes.
That's amazing.
It's been ten minutes,
tell me you didn't...
Didn't? What?
- What was that for?
- Where's Blake?
- Is she on the basketball team?
- No. Where is she?
- Soccer? Tennis?
- No. Ian...
if you touched her, I
swear I'll rip your golden locks
from your brain one by one.
- Golf?
- Volleyball, actually.
That explains the clothes.
What's wrong with my clothes?
He belong to you?
You know how your parents always
tell you not to feed strays?
He was so cute at
first, like all puppies.
Then he started biting
all my friends.
Love you too, Boo.
Are we going to do this or what?
I have a test in the morning.
Not yet! It's a welcome party
for my new roommates Serena
and Blake.
We have to socialize first.
Come on, Gabs. We met the
Ian brought food, and
you're still single.
I mean, all is right
with the world.
Calm down. Come here, sit.
Let's just watch the show,
and then we'll have dessert.
Should have never fed him
that first treat.
Haunts me day and night, Blake,
day and night.
[Ian] What's up, my man?
What's the news?
- [Lex] Serena.
- [lan] Okay.
Wildcat in bed.
Forgot my name twice.
Asked if I believed in unicorns.
Has attended Comic Con three
When I asked for her number...
she cried.
Must have been on your "A" game
last night.
I'm never off my game.
So that one time you hit
on Gabi was a fluke?
I was drunk.
Can we not talk about Gabi
this early in the morning?
It really messes with
the rest of my day.
[girl] Hi Ian.
Your schedule is full,
but a new one popped up on
the site this morning,
I wasn't sure if you
wanted me to let her apply.
Do it.
I gotta go.
Shell has an early class
with Douchepants
and I gotta walk her to class
holding her books,
then... kiss her on the forehead.
Tale as old as time, my friend.
You know it.
Stop here.
Did he notice?
Oh, he noticed.
Now you can give
him your phone number.
Don't answer the first text.
Answer the third.
Always the third.
What if he doesn't ask for it?
Trust me, he will.
Now off you go.
[Ian V.O.] I just blazed through rules
one, two, three and four.
Rule one: make them curious.
Rule two: Don't appear
too interested.
Rule three: Give them
a method of contact,
but keep the ball in your court.
Rule four: Never answer
the first text.
Sorry, bro.
Fans of yours?
[girl] Maybe he'll sit with us.
The club has an opening.
They made posters last year.
You clearly have too high
of an opinion of yourself.
Some may say not high enough.
[Blake sighs]
Are you going to make it?
Are you gonna make it?
You're eyes.
They're a nice ice blue.
I'm not interested.
- In men?
- In you. So stop talking.
Thank you.
Open your books for those
who brought them,
to page 34.
[bell dings]
And just a reminder,
there will be a quiz on Chapter
four next week.
- Thank you.
- Blake...
It worked!
Of course it did.
He's going to
try to get you alone.
Don't let him.
- But...
- Rule number five. You're busy.
You're always busy
unless I say you aren't.
Ian, you're the best.
Waiting for someone?
Yes I am. It's very important,
can you please leave?
Forget it. This was
a stupid idea.
I doubt David would
approve of that attitude?
Says here he values optimism
above all things.
Come with me. Let's go.
What is this?
Wingmen, Inc.
No, no, no. You've got
to be kidding me.
Not kidding you.
Lex and I are the masterminds
behind the fastest growing
dating service
in the Pacific Northwest.
Some say I'm a
modern-day Superman,
saving women from themselves
while Lex plays sidekick.
You're welcome.
You're such an ass.
I'm also your new love coach.
That is, if you're
still interested.
Look. We have a ninety-nine
percent success rate.
If you follow the rules,
take my advice and guidance,
you'll be popping out little
Davids in no time.
Yeah. Or whatever it is you
I'll get it for you.
Can I think about it?
Sure. You have one minute.
This was an impulse.
A girl on my team gave me
your card
after I kept complaining
about David not noticing me...
Megan. Nice girl. 30 seconds...
Good. I don't like to
candycoat anything.
So, I'm gonna
be real honest here.
If we're gonna turn the head of
the captain of the basketball
we've got a lot of work to do.
But I'm the best.
We start tonight.
Lex is going to look over
the details,
and send you the schedule
tonight. Okay?
And if David reaches out at
all during this process,
contact me first.
If he texts you today, ignore
If he calls you, you're busy
with your new study partner.
Is that you?
Blake, not only am I your
new study partner.
From here on out...
I'm your everything.
[Lex] I know you pride yourself
in taking less than a week for a
client to gain true love's kiss,
but damn...
[Ian] It can't be that bad.
[Lex] No. Actually, it's worse.
You mean she's a little virgin
who's never kissed a man,
blushes when she hears the word
can't spell the word "orgasm",
and believes in love
at first sight?
Here's her questionaire.
Check out Blake's
number fifteen.
Number 15? Oh yeah.
"What would you wear on
a first date?"
Her answer:
"Something comfortable
like a baggy sweatshirt? Or...
a hat, because hats
are mysterious."
Number sixteen's my favorite.
Sixteen: "My first kiss was..."
Her answer, "Hopefully it will
be great."
I especially liked the smiley
face and the heart emoji.
I'm going to see her tonight,
so I'll follow up on these.
Did you want to finish the
questionnaire, or should I?
No. That's all you, bro.
- Just... no.
- [breaking glass]
Yeah, no.
[Ian sighs]
[girl 1] Hi, Ian.
[girl 2] He's so hot.
How can you do that?
Lead girls on like that?
Every single one of them is
still staring and whispering.
One of them just took a picture.
Two, actually.
Why? It's not like you're
famous or anything.
Are you?
Are you going to just leave it
like that?
Or do you want to explain?
There's not much to explain.
My sophomore year, I got an
exemption to play pro football,
and then... I got injured.
So, here I am.
[indistinct conversation]
[Ian] Whoa. What just happened
[David] That was
a good practice, guys.
Let's take the spot here.
[Blake] He's here.
Yeah, I know.
That's why we're here.
He comes here every night
after basketball practice.
We're doing a little recon.
Your file shows that you met
when you were four.
And you guys actually
took baths together.
So, I'm just wondering what this
whole shy deal is about.
'Cause, he's seen the goods,
The goods?
I didn't have goods
when I was four.
I can't even tell
if you have goods now.
Considering the baggy clothes
you wear.
Okay, can we just go
before he sees us, please?
And that's a bad idea, why?
Because, every time I'm around
him I act like a dude,
like I'm one of the guys.
I just want him to see
me differently.
I want him to know I have...
Alright, well...
like I said before,
the jury's still clearly
out on that one.
- Are you sniffing my hair?
- Yeah.
Is he looking?
No. He's eating.
God, he must be clueless.
You know what?
He must have seen you.
Come here. Turn. Look at me.
[David] Blake?
Hey. Sorry I didn't see you
when we came in.
Who's your friend?
Name's Ian.
Ian. How's it going, man?
David, you should have seen
this guy play.
[Ian] Let's not bore him
with that.
Nice to meet you, David.
How do you know my girl?
Your girl?
Yeah, my girl.
I didn't realize you were
dating anybody.
I didn't realize you were
her dad?
Hell no, man!
We go way back.
We've been
friends since we could walk.
Cute story.
Well, it was nice
meeting Blake's dad.
It was nice meeting you, David.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you.
It's good to see you, Blake.
- [Blake] You too.
- [lan] Shall we?
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Thank you.
I think that was the first time
he's ever looked at me...
Like you had boobs.
I'm going to count to five.
[Blake] I don't think it fits.
[Ian] They measured you.
It fits.
We gotta go. Gabi said we
got dinner at six.
This is too much pressure.
How do I know if it fits?
They're boobs. How do I know if
it looks good?
Let's go.
Open up before I crawl under.
Come on, let's go.
Scale of one to ten?
How awful is it?
Blake, you look great.
You sound bored.
No. Your boobs look good.
You think?
I'm just no good at this.
I didn't grow up with a mom.
Well, men are turned on
by sight,
girls by touch.
By wearing something fitting,
you're guaranteeing that
he won't see you as a buddy,
but as a partner.
And that's what you wanted,
You look good.
He'll be eating out of your
hand in no time.
That confident in your
No. But I'm pretty confident
in yours.
[saleswoman knocks]
Sir, you need to get out of the
dressing room.
We don't allow customers to...
play in the product before
they purchase.
- [Ian] Play?
- Hanky-panky.
[Ian] Oh, you mean sex?
Sir! Get out this instant.
- [Ian moans]
- Stop it.
Just a minute.
[saleswoman] Right now!
- We're coming out.
- I'm almost there.
I'm going to call security!
Oh, yeah. Ouch!
We'll take it all.
Thank you.
If you hurt her,
I'm going to break off
your favorite appendage.
Sorry, traffic was shit.
- It usually is.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So where's the other roomie?
- I'm here.
- [spits]
- [Serena] Are you okay?
- Lex.
- [Lex coughs]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
So, Blake...
I like your new look.
Thanks. It was Ian.
He was a big help.
It's okay, I guess.
I mean, if you're
into working out.
Which she clearly is.
Look at her.
[gasps] Oh my god.
- I'm so sorry. It slipped.
- It's okay.
No, no, no. It's okay.
It's just workout clothes.
I can always wash them.
That is good.
Fine. I'm fine. I'm good.
Have you kissed her yet?
I'll take that as a no.
She's never kissed another guy.
It would be... wrong.
You know that.
- Wrong...
- Mm hm.
Are you falling for her?
No! Hell no.
Have you seen
her flip-flops?
What's our main rule?
Don't fall for the clients.
[scrubs hard]
[scrubs harder]
for the clients.
I think it's clean, bro.
No dessert?
Blake, can I talk to you
for a second upstairs?
Sure, yeah.
What's wrong?
[Ian sighs]
Hands up.
Okay, here we go.
You're... wearing a thong.
Yeah. Does the stripping
have a purpose?
Stripping should always
have a purpose.
We need to wash your clothes.
And I needed help with that,
or what?
You have any giant hoodies
in here?
Honest moment.
Why do you wear
clothes like this?
Well, everybody has
their own thing, right?
Nothing. Right.
Tomorrow, me and you, we're
going to work out together.
We need to be at the gym
early, before David,
because we're going to
catch him by surprise.
Adrenaline pumps
when you workout,
and if a hot chick's watching,
even better.
You said hot chick. Not cute.
You're hot. Trust me.
Come here. So tomorrow, when he
sees us, we need to flirt.
The problem is, that you flinch
when I try to touch you.
No, I don't!
I don't.
Okay, see that?
That look right there,
Yeah, that really
pissed-off look.
It sometimes can be
confused with lust.
So maybe I'll just piss you off
the entire workout.
That might work,
but if it doesn't...
I may need to kiss you,
Okay, and if I do,
I need to know that you're not
going to scratch my eyes out,
or knee me in the balls.
I might.
Guess you'll have to find out.
No. Never play a player.
It doesn't work.
Okay, sweet cheeks?
Sweet cheeks?
Sweet cheeks.
Okay, I think lesson time
is over.
I'll be back at 4:30
to pick you up.
- In the morning?
- Mm hm.
Oh, okay.
This better work.
It's never not worked.
So... unless you're having
second thoughts?
No! No, I'm not.
Um, 4:30. Be ready.
Two more!
One more!
You tired?
Exhausted. But I love
that feeling.
It's the best.
- What next?
- I'll stretch you out.
[David] Let's warm up
on the bench.
[indistinct speech]
Stay calm. You're good.
- Relax.
- Ouch.
You're tight.
Feels amazing.
[David] Blake?
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Hey David, I didn't
see you there.
Wow... you look...
Ian really knows how to work me.
You know, if you ever need
help at the gym...
you could always ask me.
Thanks for the offer, but...
David, I think I've got it.
The offer stands.
It's really good to see you,
You look... good.
Skip the warm up.
Put another one on.
[David pants, grunts]
Hell, no.
[loud crash]
That was a really great
first kiss.
Damn it.
[Ian V.O.] I was ruining everything.
I was her first kiss? Me?
The certified man whore?
Not the man she was
in love with.
Can I get you guys anything
I don't suppose you moonlight
as a massage therapist.
[Ian V.O.] Well done. The line was
delivered perfectly.
No, but I am good with my hands.
[Ian V.O.] Doubtful, very doubtful.
Great. The sooner I finished
with Shell,
the sooner I could...
What? Finish with Blake?
Let's go, Shell.
What if she doesn't want
to go with you?
The last round
goes to the barista.
Ian, I think you should go.
If that's what you want, Shell.
[inaudible dialoge]
[Ian V.O.] The last round
always goes to the guy.
Gabs, Blake!
There you are.
Geez, some people are
trying to sleep.
Aw, really?
Mmmm. Cute hair.
I'm sick, you ass.
Oh please, you're lucky you
don't have the clap
from all the sex you've had.
And you're afraid
of a little cold.
Yeah, I don't like germs.
What do you want?
Why are you here?
I had an idea for Blake.
She's upstairs.
The pipe in the bathroom broke,
and there was water everywhere.
I tried getting a plumber,
but she said something about
her friend's dad
being a plumber,
and suddenly some tall dude
showed up
and said he could fix it.
[indistinct conversation]
Thank you, David.
- Ian.
- [sniffles]
Are you sick too?
- I think so.
- Yeah.
I'm pretty sure he's gonna
be just fine.
The last thing you need is
to get sick before the big test
on Friday. Right?
Would you want to get out of
We could get ice cream
or something?
So you're not stuck in a sick
He's probably right.
You shouldn't get sick.
You know what?
You're probably already coming
down with something.
I'm sorry, babe. If I had known,
I wouldn't have put my mouth
all over you like that.
Rain check?
I don't want you to get sick
before your big game.
Yeah... that's probably
a good idea.
But you do have my
number now so...
So, call me any time.
- [Ian sniffs and coughs]
- [Blake] Mm hm.
- Good to see you.
- [Blake] You too.
[Ian coughs]
Look, if he asks you
to hang out,
you're busy.
You're always busy
until I say you're free.
Rule number five
clearly states this.
If he tries to call you
or coerce you into hanging out,
Especially when you're
with another guy.
It makes you look easy and makes
our relationship look fake.
- Yeah. Yep.
- Okay?
Alright, um...
I'll see you girls later.
[blows nose]
Lex! Emergency meeting. Now!
[Lex] What up?
It's David.
What is his deal?
She's moving through these steps
way too fast,
and he's falling for it.
Something's up with him.
Can you bring up his file?
You want to look at his file?
[computer chimes]
[Ian V.O.] David and Blake's
Eighty-seven percent.
Isn't that kind of high?
[Lex V.O.] That's high.
Really high.
You like her.
[Ian] Yeah, I also like yogurt.
[Lex] Gabi called.
She's worried.
[Ian V.O.] Gabi called?
Gabi called? She hates you.
Which she said at least
ten times
before finally getting to
the reason behind the call.
She thinks you're hooking up
with Blake.
No. Not happening,
nor will it.
Go get Gabi some soup.
She's sick.
I'm going to sleep off whatever
I'm coming down with...
and hopefully not die.
If I turn into a zombie
at some point,
at least take a couple good
pictures before you
decapitate me.
You have my word.
[moans softly]
[inaudible dialogue]
Hey. You're okay.
It's just a fever.
What are you doing here?
We don't let women or clients
into the house. Ever.
I texted you and called you,
and then threatened Gabi,
who threatened Lex.
That worried about me, huh?
About you?
Oh, no. I'm doing this for
entirely selfish reasons.
If I lose my love coach,
I lose my love.
[moans happily]
Sorry. It just feels so good.
You know what would make
me feel even better right now?
What's that?
You in a hot nurse outfit.
You're such a pig.
Right, but I'm more like one of
those cute little pigs.
- Uh huh.
- You know, the teacup ones.
The ones that are so cute, you
just want to keep it forever,
OK. Come on.
[Ian moans]
We need to get you in the bath.
- No.
- Let's go.
We need to get your fever down.
Come on.
[moans] Just let me die.
Come on.
Never leave a man behind.
All right. In the bath.
Come on.
[sharp exhale]
Jesus Christ. Why is it so cold?
It's not cold.
It just feels like that
because you have a fever,
which we need to get down.
Alright, well, this is up there
for the second worst day
of my life.
Yeah, what's the first?
The day I almost died.
I think we could be best
- Is that right?
- Mm hm.
I only have two, Gabs and Lex.
But I'm killing them off soon,
though, so there's a vacancy.
Oh, well, that's good to know.
But you have to cook for me.
I can do that. I cooked for my
dad and brother all the time.
- Really?
- Mm hm.
Is your brother
as pretty as you?
He's dead.
I'm sorry. Dying sucks.
Yeah, it really does.
I like you.
I like you, too.
Clearly you're feeling better.
Nope. Still a little delirious.
Where we at with that
nurse outfit?
No nurse costume.
I think you're healed
and I have to get to practice.
Yeah, that... it's morning.
It happens.
- [Blake] Yeah...
- That's not helping, Blake.
Sorry. I'm just gonna...
Sorry, I just wanted to say
that you need to stay in bed,
and that I left you two Tylenol.
You should take those.
And I will bring you food
after practice.
You should probably take care
of that?
You know, a good nurse would
stay and help me take care of
Hey, Lex.
Please tell me you got food for
me, too.
I did. I got your favorite,
I think.
Chow mein with pork, right?
I got you soup.
Sorry, is it hot?
Yeah, it's freakishly hot.
Sorry, I just picked it up.
You know what?
Can you blow?
You want me to blow
on your soup?
Are you twelve?
Shit, it's really hot.
- [blows]
- [whistles]
You blow well.
Coming from you I'll take that
as the highest of compliments.
So what are we watching?
[voices on television]
What up, sweet cheeks?
[Ian sighs]
Out with it.
Do you ever think that what you
thought you wanted isn't
actually what you want anymore?
You mean... like you've lived
your whole life in pursuit of
one goal, and suddenly the goal
Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
That's life, Blake.
Is it?
Doesn't that feel
so wishy washy,
to go from one thing to another?
That's all part of college.
Discovering yourself.
Realizing,"Hey, maybe
wearing flip-flops from 1992
isn't as cool as I
originally thought.
They not mine, you jerk.
So you stole someone's
flip-flops and decided,
"Hey, let's bring these back."?
No. They were my brother's
after he died... I don't know...
I just wanted to be close to
So you raided his closet?
Everything smelled like him.
It was comforting.
Until you had to wash them.
Until my dad forced me
to wash them, yes.
It's only been two
years. I still miss him.
How'd he die?
Car accident.
Drunk driver.
It's weird. It used to piss me
off talking about it,
but for some reason, when I
started wearing his clothes,
it's like... I don't know...
it almost feels like
invisible armor.
Well, I hate to break it to
you, but these flip flops
are anything but invisible.
Shut up!
Did you just lick me?
First rule of kindergarten.
- Did you miss that class?
- I must have missed it.
You must have.
It's right up there with fire
So, it's a little important.
Wow. Okay.
I told you never to play
the player.
I'm just following your rules.
That's all.
Sometimes, I hate my rules.
Me, too.
[Ian laughs]
[Lex] Whoa...
[Ian] We're training, man.
We're training.
We're setting up for a date
night for her and David.
He's moving through the steps
so fast
I figured he'd do something.
[Blake] I think I got it.
Thank you, Ian.
Blake. Wait. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I got carried away.
I'll help you with David
and then hopefully we can...
be friends.
[Ian V.O.] Funny how words that are
supposed to make people happy,
kind of make you want to punch
a tree like Chuck Norris.
Yeah, friends.
[Blake smirks]
Friends it is.
You know, this isn't a sting,
You can take
your sunglasses off.
Plus, we're indoors.
You look ridiculous.
You said not to make eye
and that's happens to be
very difficult for me.
So, sunglasses.
Dude, just look at his crotch.
He'll eat that shit up.
I'm not looking. No.
Do you have any other pointers
that don't involve me
staring at his... groin?
I think you can do better than
that Miss Nursing Major.
Nope. Not doing it.
- Penis?
- Shut up.
If you can't say it,
should you really be playing
with it?
- I mean, God...
- Oh, hell.
Come here.
Eventually you'll have to get
past the point of being
afraid of your own sexuality.
And something tells me that
David's not super great in bed,
so you need to gain a little
bit of confidence
so you can
tell him what you want.
What makes you think that?
I mean, I'm a virgin. So...
I'm gonna suck.
Impossible. Believe me.
David, on the other hand...
The last girlfriend we
said, that although
he earned an A for effort,
on multiple occasions she
studied for a test during.
- During sex?
- Mm hm.
That's so impersonal.
Shouldn't you be putting
your whole mind into it?
Your body? Your soul?
We're getting off track.
The point is, you may need to
give him direction.
Meaning you may need to say
words like "penis". The end.
Fine. Penis.
Oh, hey man. Didn't see you
- Hey.
- How's it going?
I thought you all were
more casual.
No. We made it official last
night. Right, sweet cheeks?
Sorry. It's just...
it was a really great night.
Yeah, a great night.
I'm happy for you, Blake.
Really happy for you.
We should get out of here.
What? Why are you laughing?
David just gave me the finger.
Really? That's kind of rude.
Why would he do that?
Because his hands were free...
And mine weren't.
Nice. I like.
Good, because I haven't worn
them in forever.
[Gabi] Guys. You just gonna
stand there and eye-screw each
or can we get the snacks?
Be there in a sec!
You down for a little game, boy?
Did you just call me boy?
I did.
You do know I played pro
I didn't want to have to do
I'm pretty much good
at every sport.
[Lex coughs]
Except for golf.
- [Lex coughs]
- [lan] Really?
I'm pretty sure we
established that ice-skating
is not a sport.
You are serving.
Let me just get comfortable,
real quick.
Oh it's like that, is it?
Sure is.
Two can play at that game.
[clears throat]
- Let's go.
- Ready.
Yeah, Let's go Are you ready?
Oh shit.
My money's on Blake.
You know he was nominated
for the Heisman, right?
Is that a hard thing to get?
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
[Lex cheers]
High five!
[Blake] What happened?
What happened? Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Your knee?
Come on Lex, let's go
grab an ice pack?
- I'm fine.
- Come on.
Here, put weight on me.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just an old injury.
Prop it up.
Oh, it's starting to swell.
What happened to your knee?
- Can you keep a secret?
- Yes.
I'm Superman.
I injured it saving two old
ladies and their cats.
He really is a hero. That poor
little boy would have died.
Can you imagine what that would
have done to that father?
After losing his wife?
It was amazing, Ian.
- Don't sell yourself short.
- Okay, enough Gabs.
We get it.
Here. Thank you.
- Put this on it.
- Thanks.
Look, don't listen to her.
I'm no hero.
Here I am, being bitter
that I can't play football,
and this kid could have died.
Well, you sort of did, too.
In a way, you lost part
of what made you you.
You know?
I got past it, you know?
I don't want you to think I'm
one of those broken guys
living the old glory days
of football.
How did you get over it?
It was the kid?
He came and visited me
in the hospital
I called him by his last name,
Montgomery, or Little Monty,
because this kid was tiny.
And apparently he's still afraid
of the dark...
So, he brought me this bear,
smartly named "Bear".
[both laugh]
His mom, unfortunately, passed
away earlier that year from
She gave him that bear.
It was supposed to be his
protection bear,
to make him feel safe.
He gave it to me.
Said he didn't need it anymore,
because he had me.
That bear lives the high life
in my room, I'll tell you that.
And what about Monty?
Where is he now?
He's actually going to be one
badass football player.
His dad sends me his schedule
for his practices and games.
I've been to a few.
He's not bad.
You really are Superman.
To one person, yeah.
Guys? You up for a movie?
Yeah, we'll be right there.
You guys. No. Just not
Shower, or no couch time.
Sure. We'll go shower.
Not together!
- What?
- What do you mean "what"?
[doorbell rings]
[David] Hey, is Blake here?
[Gabi] Hey, Blake?
David's here to see you.
What are you waiting for?
Even if it takes All my life.
Some days I think it might.
It's always raining on me.
Always raining on me.
You know you can cut
Like a knife.
You cut like a knife.
And I'm just a puddle baby.
Just a puddle baby.
Oh oh.
Even if it takes All my life.
It's always easy
If it's black and white.
We could never leave.
The color inside the lines
[man on TV] You've ruined me
for other women, Gia.
[woman on TV] Good.
I can hardly breathe.
If you're not by my side
I'm going to make some popcorn.
But your knee.
It's just popcorn.
I think I'll be fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm good.
[Ian] Blake, I'm fine,
go watch the movie.
- [microwave beeps]
- [David] Not Blake.
Something I can help you with?
I get it. She's "yours"
a least for now.
But, listen to me,
we have a history.
And that is not something you
can compete with.
Not now, not ever.
Shit. How am I going to
compete with the tree house?
You smug bastard.
Look, you don't deserve her.
You never will.
Oh, but you do?
Mr. Washed-up Has-been,
who can't keep it in his pants?
Well, at least I know I don't
deserve her.
At least I wake up everyday,
knowing I'm the lucky one.
I wasn't aware it took this much
brainpower to make popcorn.
Hey, I actually gotta get going.
But, next Thursday seven
o'clock, right?
- Yeah. I won't.
- Don't forget.
Dad's really excited to see you.
It'll be fun.
[Blake] Cool.
It's good to see you.
[David] Bye, Ian.
- [Ian] Blake...
- [Blake] What?
What do you want, Ian?
Exactly what I thought.
[Ian V.O.] You. That's
what I should have said
when she asked me what I wanted.
Instead, I opened my mouth
and nothing came out.
[Lex] I hate mornings.
[Ian] Yep.
[cell phone chimes]
[reading] "Use your indoor
voice. Lex can hear you,
also he hates mornings."
[Blake V.O] David's dad bailed.
It's just us.
I've never been on a date.
Something wrong?
Yeah, I gotta take Blake
on this fake date
so she doesn't
puke all over David.
"Be at the house at six,
have Gabs help you get ready.
She is the boss."
- Woop!
- [phone chimes]
[Lex] I hate mornings.
Did I say that already?
[Ian] I think so.
Blake, come on.
It can't be that bad. Let's go.
[Blake] No, it is.
Very bad.
Is it that bad?
Yes. It's... horrific.
How could you possibly attract
a man in this... monstrosity?
Monstrosity, huh?
Huh. Is that why
you keep staring at it?
I literally can't look away.
Don't even think I could if
I tried.
Fake date. Remember?
This is a fake date,
so I don't make a
complete fool out of myself
when David and I go out
on Thursday.
Okay, but the second we leave
this the house,
you've got to pretend it's real.
I'll coach you, and
hopefully by Thursday
we'll get news of a tragic
accident that David's lost
all functionality of his penis.
Are you sure I look okay?
No, Blake.
You look phenomenal.
And if that bastard doesn't
say those exact words or better
he's not deserving.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
We having a picnic or something?
Rule number nine, Blake.
If a guy wants to surprise
the shit out of you,
don't question it.
Just tell him how awesome he is.
Okay, well you are awesome,
and, the best fake date ever.
You know what? We need to
pretend this is real, remember?
Or what's the point?
I don't know, maybe a fun night?
Some good food?
Our ride.
We're canoeing?
Towards the restaurant, yeah.
Okay, I have to admit to you,
that's pretty cool.
Although I don't know how much
help I'm going to be in this
Cross my heart, I won't
look up your skirt.
Rule number seven?
Men always lie.
I'm Julio. I'll be your server
this evening.
Can I get you started
with anything?
Yeah, can we have two
margaritas on the rocks.
Rule number ten.
Only two drinks.
Not three, not four.
I know you can get nervous,
but after you go past two
you can lose your inhibitions,
and things can get out of
control real fast.
Two is a safe number.
And, yeah, eat up,
'cause you're going to need
that for your cardio later.
Yeah, Sex. With David?
I, uh, I haven't really
thought about that.
[clears throat] Tonight's
special is...
Can you give us a minute?
You know it's going to
happen eventually, right.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't really like thinking
about it
because, honestly, it kinda
makes me want to puke.
No, it's just... I'm going
to be horrible,
I'm going make a fool of
myself and he's going to hate
Rule number six.
Guys never hate sex.
If he's not getting off,
it's either because he mistook
numbing gel for K-Y,
or he's gay and you lack
the goods to get him there.
- K-Y?
- Still need a minute?
If you can't even talk
about sex with David,
why are you even going
on a date with him?
I mean, why use my help?
It's just... don't you think
it's moving so fast?
I wanted him to notice me,
not take me to bed two weeks
after your little plan worked.
Well then, just say no.
Rules number twelve, thirteen
and fourteen
clearly say that you can
absolutely say no.
So how did you get into this?
How did you start Wingmen?
Actually, it was my sister.
She was, at the time, crushing
really hard
on a guy from my team, and
when I say hard,
I mean she drove her car
into a mailbox
when we had him over for
Fourth of July.
The sad thing is, he was
into her too.
But she was always too
shy and insecure to ever
meet him half way.
And I was always too selfish
to give a shit.
So, she settled for a guy
who thinks that video games
are like the Olympics.
So there's two types
of settling.
There's the type that is
cute, a match made in heaven,
where you look at a couple
holding hands in public,
and you think, "Is that girl
legally blind?"
And then there's the other
type of settling,
which is the insecure type,
where a girl never reaches
her full potential
and settles for someone
less than she's worth.
My sister deserved better.
And if she had just an ounce
of confidence,
that would have
changed her life.
Hell if she even had one
rule from my playbook,
it would have changed her life.
Well, then... To the playbook.
To the playbook.
Okay, the final rule.
If you're feeling like
the date's going good,
and you want to continue,
it's up to you
to invite them in.
- Ian?
- Yeah.
Do you want to come in?
Well, that depends.
On what?
Do you have refreshments?
You can't just invite someone in
expecting something to happen,
you have to have coffee,
drink, late night movie...
It's kind of an unwritten rule.
All of the above, how's that?
I accept.
Screw David. You're mine.
Gabs, were you going
to suffocate me?
No. Blake's a friend, and now
it's gonna be awkward.
Not to mention she's a
freaking client.
What the hell were you thinking?
That I really like her,
David's a douche, and I'd
rather die than let him touch
You mean you aren't bailing?
Do I look like I'm jumping out
the window and making up
a story about my dog?
You don't have a dog.
I know.
Where is Blake?
Baking. She got up at the ass
crack of dawn,
went for a four mile run, then
decided to make you pancakes.
- Pancakes?
- Mm hm.
Mm. Alright.
- Hi.
- Are you making pancakes?
I am. Good morning.
- Good morning.
- You have to save two for Lex.
He was freaking out that you
your normal meeting at the
Shit. I didn't mean to sleep in.
I know. You looked exhausted,
and I didn't want to wake you.
I was exhausted, sweet cheeks,
but in the best type of way,
the type where you probably
should take a week off of
Mm hm.
Think of the possibilities.
This could change your life.
Maybe it already has.
I could get really addicted
to your smell.
Not in the kitchen, guys.
I will seriously grab
the pillow from upstairs.
Now break apart.
For once, I'm not cooking,
so I want to sit
and enjoy my coffee
without watching real-life porn.
So, who got laid last night?
You know you can't hook up
with clients.
Yeah, that contract got
the second she screamed my name.
So, no David?
- Yes.
- No.
Did you say, "Yes?"
He's still a friend.
And I'm still gonna go to
dinner with him.
I'm a friend and we screwed
about four times last night.
I'm sorry, was that all
it was to you?
Hell, no. Which is another
reason why I don't think
you should be going on a
date with Douchepants.
Look, it's fine, okay?
I promise you, it is fine.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
Put me down.
We'll be back.
[Blake] Put me down,
I want a pancake.
- [Ian] No pancakes for you.
- [Blake] I'm hungry.
[Gabi clears throat]
Are you going to read your
compatibility report with Blake?
Haven't decided yet.
What are you doing home?
I live here,
unless you're kicking me out,
which you may do
after reading the report.
- It's that bad?
- Hm.
[Ian sighs]
"Stats show that if Client A,
Blake, were to embark on
a relationship with Client B,
there is a 50% chance that
one or both hearts will be
and that the relationship will
end within two months
once the honeymoon stage
is done."
- [sighs] Okay. Hm.
- [Lex] David's file.
"Report shows that if Client A
were to embark on a relationship
with Client C, there is an 87%
chance that the relationship
will be a success and it will
[Lex] Blake and David.
It is what it is, you know.
Not on my watch.
- You know what?
- What?
I think you should fake
the flu tonight.
Ian. Look at me.
I can't.
It reminds me that, tonight,
he's going to be looking at you,
and every time I think
about him in the same damn room,
I want to cut off his shooting
hand off
and bury it in Gab's yard.
Okay, listen,
the sooner I can get tonight's
dinner over with,
and tell him how happy I am
with you,
the sooner we can get this whole
David thing behind us.
Okay, just go.
I won't be the
crazy-ass boyfriend
who's jealous and drives you
to your date.
So just go.
- Alright.
- I'll see you tonight?
I'll come by your place after.
You know? Don't let him touch
Okay. Not even your back.
If he's touching your back,
it means he's thinking
of touching your ass.
- Alright?
- Mm hm.
I promise.
- Okay.
- Trust me?
Go get 'em.
Tell me the truth,
did you make the compatibility
report for me and Blake
because you knew that one day
I'd jump into commitment-land?
input your information
the moment I saw things start
to change between you and Blake.
Hell, the minute I noticed the
Come again?
The linger. You lingered.
You leaned.
Every muscle in your body tensed
when she walked into the room.
I've never seen you
linger like that.
I'm a 50, David's an 87.
And he's with her right now.
I'll drive.
She's facing him.
She's not sitting across from,
but to the side.
Bastard may have skills
after all.
- You want to see?
- No.
The absolute last thing
I want to see
is how close he's sitting
to her,
or if he's strategically
dropping his napkin
so he can inch his chair closer.
[phone chimes]
It's scary how well
you know the male gender.
[Blake V.O.] Dinner is over.
Ordering dessert,
then I'll be home.
Don't worry.
We should go.
Hey, we should go.
[Ian V.O] Hope you enjoyed
your dessert.
Get me drunk.
How does it feel?
You mean getting my heart
Gee, I don't know Lex.
It kinda tickles,
like getting a feather
stuck in my ass.
I mean being on the other side.
The one who gets rejected.
He's a better fit.
The numbers don't lie.
- The numbers. Right.
- [lan] Yeah.
Look, the numbers don't
take into account chemistry.
Computers can't do that.
Look. We're still technically
under contract with Blake,
per our agreement.
As long as she's gone on a date
with David, and kissed him...
the contract's technically done.
So, terminate the contract,
collect payment
and delete her information.
Think about this,
by ignoring her, you run the
risk that...
That what? That I lose her
She's already gone.
She made her decision.
She kissed him.
[doorbell rings]
I'm gonna get that.
Hey, is Ian here?
I need to talk to...
Blake, you should go.
No, I'm not leaving until I
talk to him.
Lex, he doesn't
understand what he saw.
I just need to explain.
Fine. Explain to me.
Why the hell was some other guy
kissing you?
I'd much rather talk to Ian
about that.
Tough shit. You've got me.
Okay. He kissed me, Lex!
And you kissed him back.
Am I missing some important
detail here,
where you pushed him away,
kneed him in the balls?
I did... push him away...
You hesitated.
You must be proud of yourself.
The first girl to take
down Ian Hunter
and you just toss him
aside the second your
childhood crush looks your way.
David and I are just friends,
that's it.
And you and Ian are what?
You kissed another dude.
Whatever you and Ian had is
Expect the contract
termination in the morning.
And honestly, I think
you're a bitch.
You hear that?
Kinda hard not to.
I didn't mean to call
her a bitch.
I was just kinda caught
in the moment.
Hey. If she cares about you,
she's going to be back.
Three, two, one...
[doorbell rings]
No. Don't talk for two seconds
so I can speak.
Tell Ian I need to talk to him
and I won't stop calling
until he hears me out.
I love him.
I love him.
Good answer.
We'll be in touch.
[breathing heavily]
- [grunts]
- [man] Two more.
[Blake] Can I talk to you?
Did you get my email?
We're done.
No, we're not.
Ian, I love you.
I love you so much, and I'm
sorry about the kiss.
But I was confused.
It had nothing to do with you.
No shit.
Look, you did us both a favor.
Our projected success rate
wasn't even close to being good.
You should probably go
be with who you wanted
all along.
You know all of that's changed.
It was the sex.
A chemical reaction occurs
that emotionally bonds you
with someone
when you have sex with them.
Give it a few days,
it'll wear off.
So will I.
Ian, I'm telling you I love you,
and you're just...
You're gonna push me away?
Don't do that.
Don't. Don't you care
about me a tiny bit?
Your boyfriend's waiting.
My boyfriend is standing
right in front of me.
Not anymore.
Be happy, okay?
Hey Ian, good to see you buddy.
How are you?
I'm out of here.
And David?
Treat her right.
I certainly will.
Just like I did last night.
What? Ian!
Disrespect her like that again
and I'll kill you.
Dude, it was a joke.
I'm kidding. You have said
the same stuff.
You said the same... Babe.
Ian, wait.
Please let me talk.
Wait, Please.
Look, I only kissed David
to make sure of my feelings.
It felt wrong and horrible
and it just confirmed to me
that I love you.
Was that before or after you
screwed him?
Are you kidding me?
How does it go from kissing
to sex?
I basically walked you through
the steps, Blake.
Are we done?
So done.
[Ian V.O.] I know what you're thinking,
I played this all wrong.
I should call her...
No. She kissed David.
He's the right fit for her.
I won't call her...
But I miss her.
Fuck it, I'll text her...
I miss you.
[Blake V.O] You rejected me
when I said I love you.
Go. To. Hell. Smiley face.
[Ian V.O.] A smiley face?
Well, a smiley face means
there's was still hope. Right?
But we all know a smiley
face does not mean
"I want to have sex with you";
sometimes a smiley face just
means "I'm happy."
But that mean she was happy for
me to go to hell?
Or just... happy?
Get up. Stop moping around.
I love you like a brother,
but this compatibility report
is ruining your life.
It says I'd break her
heart in two months.
And with David, on the other
hand, she'd be in bliss.
Yeah... well, I may have...
tweaked the numbers a bit...
Lex, what did you do?
What I had to.
Remember when
we first started Wingmen?
The oath we both took?
[Ian groans]
Never fall in love.
What, on the same drunken
what did you make me
swear to you?
That you wouldn't let me.
Mm hm.
And why is that?
Because I'm sick of losing shit.
Man, you were supposed to
have my back.
So, I did.
I changed the numbers, man.
Just a little.
But enough for you to bail.
Don't you get it?
It doesn't matter.
The numbers can be manipulated.
But the heart... can't.
Damn poet.
That's how you get so much ass.
I know where David is partying
and word on the street is
he's at it alone while Gabs
hangs out with Blake.
Care for a drink?
I wish, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes,
"Oh look a butterfly,
Let's hug a tree,"
was actually as bad
as I wish he was.
If that were the case, yeah.
But it's not.
Remember one of the most
important stats?
Guys typically mess up within
two weeks of a new relationship.
And why is that?
God complex.
God complex. Translation:
"I stole a sexy piece of ass
from Ian Hunter, so I
can get any chick I want,
so come hither, my pretties,
while I show you
what a real man can do."
You silver-tongued devil.
Get your shit together.
We leave in fifteen.
[Ian V.O] I'm downtown
and need a ride.
Is it normal to see
Pinocchio after doing shrooms?
[Blake V.O.] I'll be right
[Ian V.O.] And just like that,
I'm back in the game.
[Blake] You don't look
high as a kite.
Did you want to get a drink?
No, I don't want to get a drink.
You do realize the last time
I saw you,
you almost killed David
and somehow simultaneously
broke my heart in the process.
And now, you're just gonna
call me drunk...
I'm not drunk. Okay.
I have a confession to make.
And I know it's not particularly
romantic, but...
I love you.
Did you just throw out
an "I love you"? While high?
I lied about being high.
And yeah, I did, because
it's true.
I've fallen ass-over-heels
in love with you.
I desperately want you.
I need you. I fuckin' crave you.
I was scared.
- You're scared?
- Yeah.
Ian Hunter is scared?
I'm scared that you'd be
settling for me,
when David is the one you've
wanted all along.
You know that I'd be settling
with him.
Ian, I wouldn't settling
with you.
You know that.
I promise you this.
It will only ever be you, Blake.
You're the only person I want
to wake up with...
the only person I want to spend
my nights with.
I love you.
I love you.
Just kiss him already.
[Ian V.O.] So this is the part
of the story
where we cheer to new beginnings
and lots of happy endings.
And while I pride myself
on the success of Wingman, Inc.
I've learned first hand
that sometimes...
Are you talking in voice-over
Sure was, sweet cheeks.
Do you mind?
As I was saying,
sometimes you've got
to forget all the rules
and follow your heart.
Oh that's too bad...
I was hoping we could do rule
number eighteen again.
[Ian] Alright, let's go.
[Blake] Ian.
Did Ian talk to you?
He talks to me everyday,
you need to be more specific.
Now that he's with Blake he
wants to limit his Wingmen work
and said I can work with you
Not a chance in hell.
Oh, there's a chance.
Yeah, a chance you'll
poison my Lucky Charms
and we'll kill each other.
If you were an ocean I'd dive in.
And grab some sand.
Come up for a deep breath
Hold it.
And take your wave again.
If you were a jazz song
I'd scat along.
To be a part of your song.
Play all night with you.
And we'd be in the groove.
Every time I see you
I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns
Upside down
I'm falling in
And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do
When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
If you were a smooth shot
Of whiskey
I'd drink you down.
Sip you so slowly.
Then have another round.
If you were a slow dance
I'd learn you.
Dip you and turn you
Past your every move.
Then I'd be next to you.
Every time I see you
I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns
Upside down
I'm falling in
And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do
When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
If you were to love me
High above me.
Everything I'm looking for.
Thinking 'bout you more and more.
Love me Would you love me.
How can I know?
I can't I be sure.
Every time I see you
I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns
Upside down
I'm falling in
And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do
When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
Just want to get Close to you.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I don't know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
Just want to get Close to you