The Meaning of Life (1983) Movie Script
In the bleak days
of 1983,
as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy,
the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.
Terrible.
Really terrible.
Row!
That's it, Evans.
You're fired.
You heard me. Out.
Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.
Sacked?
Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.
Hey!
Come on! Come on!
Let me out of here!
I demand
to see my lawyer!
Tooley! Come on.
Quiet! Silence!
Now, lads, let's move.
You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
You, you and you,
into the rigging.
And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.
There, there, Charles.
Sorry!
Come on, Tooley.
This way!
Weigh the anchor!
Weigh the anchor.
And so, The Crimson Permanent Assurance
was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.
Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!
Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!
Look! To starboard!
There it lay,
the prize they sought.
Hard to starboard!
A financial district swollen with
multinationals, conglomerates,
and fat, bloated
merchant banks.
All right, lads,
battle stations!
Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!
All right, then. That's
enough. Take cover.
Down, down! Get down!
Down, down.
Hard to starboard!
Fire!
Eric! My balance sheets!
Ross! Get the readouts!
Stop him!
Eric!
Thanks!
Charge!
Come on! Grab it!
No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.
Cudgelled!
Gotcha!
You bastard!
Take this.
Here. File this.
Shit!
And so, heartened
by their initial success,
the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent Assurance
battled on until,
as the sun set
slowly in the west,
the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
became apparent.
Once-proud financial giants
lay in ruins,
their assets stripped,
their policies in tatters.
Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
Up, up, up your premium
Up, up, up your premium
Scribble away
And balance the books
Scribble away
But balance the books
It's fun to charter
an accountant
And sail the wide
accountancy
To find,
explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcy
It can be manly in insurance
We"ll up your premium
semiannually
It's all tax-deductible
We"re fairly incorruptible
Sailing on
the wide accountancy
Sail away...
And so, they sailed off
into the ledgers of history,
one by one, the financial
capitals of the world
crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
Or so it would have been,
if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world
had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
What's new?
Not much.
Morning!
Good morning! Morning!
Morning!
Morning!
Frank was just asking
what's new. Was he?
Yes.
Hey, look.
Howard's being eaten.
Is he?
Makes you think, doesn't it? H mm.
I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
Why are we here
What's life all about
Is God really real
Or is there some doubt
Well, tonight
we"re going to sort it all out
For tonight
it's The Meaning of Life
What"s the point
of all this hoax
Is it the chicken
and the egg time
Are we just yolks
Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes
Well, a, c'est
le meaning of life
Is life just a game
Where we make up the rules
While we"re searching
for something to say
Or are we just
simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
What is life
What is our fate
Is there heaven and hell
Do we reincarnate
Is mankind evolving
or is it too late
Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of Life
For millions
This life
is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round
with really nothing to say
While scientists say
We"re just
simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
So just why
Why are we here
And just what
What, what, what do we fear
Well, ce soir for a change
It will all be made clear
For this is
The Meaning of Life
C'est le sens de la vie
This is The Meaning of Life
Part one.
The miracle of birth.
One thousand and eight!
Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
Right.
Jolly good.
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
Yes. Yes. More
apparatus, please, N urse.
The EEG, the BP monitor and
the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.
And get the machine
that goes "ping. "
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
Still something
missing, though.
H mm?
H mm.
Patient.
Patient, yes.
Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
Here she is.
Bring it over here.
Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.
Come along!
Come along.
J ump on it.
Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Drips up.
Injections.
Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?
Only if I can
do the episiotomy.
Okay.
Thank you.
Legs up.
Oh, come in. Come on in, all
of you. That's it. Jolly good.
Come on. Come along. Spread round there.
Who are you?
I'm the husband.
I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.
What do I do?
Yes?
What do I do? Nothing,
dear. You're not qualified.
Leave it to us.
What's that for?
That's the machine
that goes "ping. "
You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.
Aren't you lucky?
The administrator
is here, Doctor.
Switch everything on.
Morning, gentlemen.
Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
Mr. Pycroft.
Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.
And what are you doing
this morning? It's a birth.
And what sort of thing
is that?
Well, that's when we take a
new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Wonderful what we
can do nowadays.
I see you have the machine that
goes "ping. " This is my favorite.
You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
Thank you, thank you. We try to
do our best. Well, do carry on.
Oh, the vulva's dilating,
Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.
Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.
Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.
Masks up!
Suction!
Eyes down
for a full house!
Here it comes.
And frighten it.
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
Right. Sedate her.
N umber the child.
Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.
Okay, show's over.
Is it a boy or a girl?
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
Now, a word of advice. You may
find that you suffer for some time,
a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PN D, as we doctors call it.
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.
The miracle of birth,
part two. The third world.
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, get it, would you,
Deidre? All right, Mum.
Now whose teatime is it?
Mine!
Come on.
Out you go.
Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
Now don't argue!
Laura, Alfred, N igel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
We're destitute.
Come in, my little loves. I've
got no option but to sell you all
for scientific experiments.
No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.
Blame the Catholic Church
for not letting me wear one
of those little rubber things.
Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber things
on the end of my cock,
we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
Not if we're going
to remain members
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
He's right.
You see, we believe...
Well, let me put it like this.
There are Jews in the world
There are Buddhists
There are Hindus
and Mormons and then
There are those
that follow Mohammed
But I've never been
one of them
I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since
before I was born
And the one thing
they say about Catholics
Is they"ll take you
as soon as you"re warm
You don't have
to be a six-footer
You don't have to
have a great brain
You don't have to
have any clothes on
You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came
Because
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Let the heathens spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay
For each sperm
that can't be found
Every sperm is wanted
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
Spill theirs just anywhere
But God loves those who treat
Their semen with more care
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Every sperm is useful
Every sperm is fine
God needs everybody's
Mine
And mine
And mine
Let the pagans spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill and plain
God shall strike them down
For each sperm
that"s spilt in vain
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets
Quite irate
So you see my problem,
little ones.
I can't keep you all here
any longer.
Speak up!
I can't keep you all here
any longer!
God has blessed us so much I
can't afford to feed you anymore.
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
It's not as simple as
that, N igel. God knows all.
He'd see through
such a cheap trick.
What we do to ourselves,
we do to H im.
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,
but believe me,
me mind's made up.
I've given this long
and careful thought,
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
with bloody people they
can't afford to bloody feed.
What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
Well, why do they have
so many children?
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
But it's the same with us,
Harry. What do you mean?
Well, I mean
we've got two children,
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.
Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
we can take precautions.
What, you mean
lock the door?
No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
What do you mean?
I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.
Oh, yes, Harry.
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.
Ooh! That's what being
a Protestant's all about.
That's why
it's the church for me.
That's why
it's the church for anyone
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
to decide for him
or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517,
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
I can wear French Ticklers
if I want. You what?
French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
but I can go down the road anytime
I want and walk into Harry's
and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice,
"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.
"In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. "
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
But despite the attempts
of Protestants
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.
And spotteth twice they the
camels before the third hour.
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
by Shor Ethra Regalion,
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
and there,
slew they the goats,
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God.
O Lord.
O Lord.
Ooh! You are so big.
Ooh! You are so big.
So absolutely huge.
So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
And barefaced flattery.
But you're so strong,
and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen, Reverend.
Amen.
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
into the school cormorant.
Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
who so gallantly
gave their lives
to keep China British.
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
Oh, and, Jenkins,
apparently, your mother
died this morning.
Chaplain.
O Lord, please don't burn us
Don"t grill or toast
Your flock
Don"t put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise
or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok
Oh, please don't
lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat
Don"t fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat
And please don"t
stick thy servants, Lord
In a Rotissomat
He's coming!
All right, settle down,
settle down.
Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of you
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
before you write
your letter home,
if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
collect his note before lunch,
put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,
and make sure he moves your clothes
down onto the lower peg for you.
Now...
Sir?
Yes, Wymer?
My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir.
But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes...
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
If you're not
getting your hair cut,
you don't have to move your brother's
clothes down to the lower peg.
You simply collect his note
before lunch,
after you've done
your scripture prep,
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney
that you've had
your chit signed.
Now, sex.
Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?
Well, had I got as far as
the penis entering the vagina?
No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.
Well, had I done foreplay?
Yes, sir.
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
no doubt you can tell me what
the purpose of foreplay is.
Biggs.
Don't know.
Sorry, sir.
Carter?
Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?
Well, and after that?
Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.
The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
Yes. Harris, will you?
And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect
and harden.
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!
I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
I may decide
to set an exam this term.
Oh, sir!
Sir!
So just listen.
Now did I or did I not
do vaginal juices?
Yes, sir.
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? H mm?
Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?
You don't
have to go leaping
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
Give her a kiss, boy.
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.
I suppose so.
Biting the neck.
Yes, good.
N ibbling the earlobe,
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
So we have
all these possibilities,
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Now, all these forms
of stimulation
can now take place.
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
of how the juices
are coming along.
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
H umphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
I told the Garfields we
would dine with them tonight.
Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.
I said we'd be
there by 8: 00.
At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
It's just that I felt...
Wymer, this is
for your benefit.
Would you kindly
wake up?
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.
No, of course not,
H umphrey.
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,
in the standard way.
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
There we are,
that's better.
Now, Carter.
Yes, sir?
What is it?
It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,
by pushing forward.
Thank you, dear.
Now, as the
sexual excitement mounts...
What's funny, Biggs?
Oh, nothing, sir.
Do, please, share your little
joke with the rest of us.
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
No, honestly, sir.
Well, as it's so funny,
I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
Oh, no, sir!
Come on, Buster!
Well played, well played.
The Meaning of Life, part
three. Fighting each other.
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
Hang on, 68.
You'll never make it, let us come
with you. Do as you're told, man.
Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?
If we don't
meet again, sir.
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.
No, just a moment, sir.
Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.
We've bought you something,
sir. We bought you this, sir.
Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.
It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.
But I think
we'd better get to cover...
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
Walters thought
he was buying a present
and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
I think we'd better
get to cover now.
I'll thank you properly
later on.
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
He didn't know
about the others.
It's Swiss. Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.
Good man.
And there's a card, sir.
From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.
Thank you all.
Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.
H ip, hip.
Hooray!
H ip, hip...
Blackitt! Blackitt!
I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.
Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, this is
really going too far.
I don't seem to be able to find
it, sir, be in number four trench.
For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.
You shouldn't
have said that, sir.
You've hurt his feelings, now.
Don't mind me, Spadge.
Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.
The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
I don't mean
to be ungrateful.
I'll be all right...
Blackie! Blackie!
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
but Blackitt
would be out there,
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
I mean, you try getting butter
to melt at 15 degrees below zero.
There's love in that cake, this
man's love and this man's care and...
Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.
All right, we will eat
the cake. They're right.
It's too good a cake
not to eat.
Get the plates
and knives, Walters.
Yes, sir.
How many plates?
Six.
Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?
Yes, get the tablecloth.
No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
Okay!
But, of course, warfare isn't
all fun. Right. Stop that.
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.
Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
That is why we'll always need an army.
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
Don't stand there gawping,
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
Well?
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
than marching up and down
the square?
Yes! Atkinson.
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
Would you now?
Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.
Now,
everybody else happy
with my little plan,
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
Sarge?
Yes?
I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.
Go read your book then.
Now!
Everybody else
quite content to join in
with my little scheme
of marching
up and down the square?
Sarge?
Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?
Well, I'm learning the piano.
Learning the piano?
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose
you want to go practice, eh?
Marching up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?
Well...
Right! Off you go!
Now, what about
the rest of you?
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
All right! Off you go!
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
Left, right, left.
Democracy and humanitarianism
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
Rubbish!
Shh!
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class
that has made the British Army
what it is.
Excuse me.
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?
I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.
Well, so did we.
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
Yes, I suppose so.
Here, now.
Come on, boy.
Morning, Perkins.
Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?
Bitten, sir.
During the night.
Oh?
The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.
How's it feel?
Stings a bit. Well,
it would, wouldn't it?
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?
Any idea how
it happened?
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
Woke up just now,
one sock too many.
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
We've sent
for the doctor.
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
You don't think
it'll come back, do you?
For more, you mean?
You're right. We'd
better get this stitched.
Right.
Hello, Doc!
Morning. I came as fast as
I could. Is something up?
Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.
Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?
Yes.
Any headache?
Bowels all right?
Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then, eh?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
Oh, good. There's a lot of
it about. Probably a virus.
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
try and favor
the other leg.
Oh, righto.
As right as rain
in a couple of days.
Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
No, I'm fine.
Jolly good.
Well, must be off.
So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?
U h...
I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.
It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.
You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
What we're looking for, and this
is no more than an educated guess,
I'd like to make that clear,
is some multi-cellular
life-form
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11-foot long
and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.
What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
A tiger?
A tiger in Africa?
H mm?
A tiger in Africa!
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
Doesn't sound
very likely to me.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Sir! Sir!
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
Oh, jolly good.
Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.
C- division wiped out.
Signals gone.
Thirty men killed in
F-section. Yes, I see.
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
Jolly good.
I haven't got
the final figures,
but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.
Probably a tiger.
In Africa?
The MO says we can stitch it back
on if we can find it immediately.
Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.
It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.
A search party.
Much better idea.
Sorry about the mess, sir.
We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.
We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? Yes.
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
Yes, very good.
Morning, sir.
Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.
Thank you very much, sir.
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
Better than staying home,
isn't it?
I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
I mean, I killed 15 of those
buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Look!
My God! It's huge!
Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. We're not a tiger.
We were just...
Why are you dressed
as a tiger?
Oh, why, why, why?
Isn't it a lovely
day today?
Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...
Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...
Oh, no, that's not it.
Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. H igh spirits.
Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.
Well, actually, we're on a
mission for British Intelligence.
There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.
Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.
"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat. "
Now, look...
All right, all right.
We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
God told us to do it.
To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
It doesn't matter!
What?
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
Good thinking.
Well, have you?
Actually...
Yes?
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
Be quiet!
Now look,
we're just asking you
if you've got
this man's leg.
A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.
He was fast asleep, and someone or
something came in and removed it.
Without waking him up?
Yes.
I don't believe you.
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
Shut up!
Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?
Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
Why did you say yes?
I didn't.
I'm not talking to you.
U m...
Right. Search the thicket.
Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like
the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
Search the thicket.
Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!
Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.
Somebody must have
abandoned it here,
knowing you were
coming after it.
We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.
They'll be miles away
by now.
We'll have to take
all the blame.
Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
the moment where we take a break
and invite you, the audience,
to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
Yell out so that all
the cinema can hear you.
So here we are
with Find the Fish.
I wonder
where that fish has gone.
You did love it so.
You looked after it
like a son.
And it went
wherever I did go.
Is it in the cupboard?
Yes! No!
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
And it went
wherever I did go.
It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
Have you thought of the
drawers in the bureau?
It is a most
elusive fish.
And it went
wherever I did go.
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
Fish, fish, fishy, oh!
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
That went
wherever I did go.
Look up his trunk! Yeah!
It's in his trousers!
That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!
Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!
Really risky, yeah.
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
Well, it's been building
up to it. Has it?
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
Personally, I doubt
they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
They're bound to.
Yeah.
What do you think
the next bit will be?
Caption, I expect.
What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Middle Age.
Could've guessed it.
That's much better.
Thank you, honey.
You're welcome.
It was all sort of
misty before.
That's fine.
Hey! How are you?
Oh, we're just fine.
What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?
Well, we sort of
like pineapple.
Yeah, we love pineapple.
Yeah, anything with
pineapple in is great for us.
Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?
Oh, that sounds fine.
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
Isn't this nice?
How are ya?
Take a little Kodak. Oh,
thank you. Thank you very much.
Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?
Oh, that would
be wonderful.
Our special tonight
is minorities.
Oh, that sounds
real interesting.
What's this conversation
here? That's football.
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
No, it's more of an attempt
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
What was that?
What's he saying?
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
Sure. Why not?
Philosophy for two?
Right.
Room?
Yeah.
How do we...
Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?
We'd appreciate that.
Okay! Well, look.
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.
No.
Right. You ever wanted to
know what it's all about?
Nope.
Righty-ho! Well,
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
Great!
And we call these guys
philosophers.
Oh! And that's what we're talking about.
Right!
Oh, that's neat.
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
There you are.
Have a nice conversation.
Oh, thank you
very much.
He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."
Oh.
Like N ietzsche.
Does N ietzsche
begin with an "S"?
There's an "S" in N ietzsche.
Oh, well, yes, there is.
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
Yeah. I think most of them do.
Oh. Does that mean Selena
Jones is a philosopher?
Yeah! Right! She could be.
She sings about
the meaning of life.
Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.
Or in Hal David.
Who's Hal David?
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.
It's sort of a specialty
of the house, you know?
Live organ transplants.
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
The Meaning of Life, part
five. Live organ transplants.
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?
What?
Your liver.
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
You know, it's
reddish-brown, it's sort of...
Yeah, yeah, I know what
it is, but I'm using it.
Come on, sir. Don't muck
us about. Hey, hey, hey!
Hello!
What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
Need we say more?
No.
Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, "In the event of death. "
My God!
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
J ust lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
Here. What's going on?
He's donating
his liver, madam.
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
That's right, madam.
Typical of him.
He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,
comes home all full
of good intentions.
He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
That's what
he used to say.
"It's all for the good of
the country," he used to say.
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
H mm?
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
I wouldn't
know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs,
you know?
You're not doctors, then?
Oh, blimey, no.
Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.
I'll see you about 7: 00?
Righto, son.
Look after yourself.
You fancy
a cup of tea?
Oh, well, that'd be
very nice. Thank you.
Thank you very much, madam. Thank you.
I thought
she'd never ask.
You do realize
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
before he donates his liver.
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
I mean,
I was wonderin'...
Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.
I mean, will you stay
on your own?
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,
on the horizon?
I'm too old for that sort
of thing. I'm past my prime.
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
Sure?
Sure.
Can we have your liver
then? I would be scared.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Listen to this.
Whenever life gets
you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard
or tough
And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft
and you feel
that you"ve had
quite enough.
Just remember
that you"re standing
On a planet
that"s evolving
And revolving
at 900 miles an hour
It"s orbiting at 19 miles
a second so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see
Are moving
at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it"s just
3,000 light years wide
We"re 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round
every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps
on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you"re
feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there"s intelligent
life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth
Makes you feel so, sort of
insignificant, doesn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Can we have
your liver, then?
Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.
Eric!
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
of just how much there is
still left to own.
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
One. People are not wearing enough hats.
Two. Matter is energy.
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
Some energies have a spiritual
source, which act upon a person's soul.
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
as orthodox Christianity
teaches.
It has to be
brought into existence,
by a process of guided
self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique ability
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about
hats again?
Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.
Is this true?
Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu,
as our research...
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with
reference to your second point,
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
What?
Good Lord!
Good Lord!
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!
We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack
by the supporting feature.
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
Thank you.
The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.
Isn"t it awfully nice
to have a penis
Isn"t it frightfully good
to have a dong
It"s swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world"s biggest prick
So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife"s
best friend, your percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock
And you won"t come back
Thank you very much.
Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.
Terribly clever.
Jolly good.
Marvelous.
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
Better.
Better?
Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.
Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.
There we are, monsieur.
Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
Allow me.
A new bucket
for monsieur.
And the cleaning woman.
Et maintenant, would
monsieur care for an aperitif,
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,
moules marinires, pt
de foie gras, beluga caviar,
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart,
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of pured mushrooms.
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
I'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur. And
now, how would you like it served?
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.
Don't skimp on the pt.
Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.
In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.
Something to drink,
monsieur?
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
and a double Jeroboam of champagne. '45.
Bon, and the usual
brown ales?
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
Shut up!
D'accord.
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
Is there something wrong
with the food?
No, the food
was excellent.
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
No, no complaints.
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
And we have
a train to catch.
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
Madam? Perhaps we should be going?
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
So nice to see you,
and I hope very much we
will see you again very soon.
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket
for monsieur,
and perhaps a hose.
Oh, Max. Really!
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.
No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.
It's only wafer-thin.
Look, I couldn't eat another
thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.
All right, just one.
J ust the one, monsieur.
Voila.
Bon appetit.
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
working in a place like this.
Well, I've worked in worse
places, philosophically speaking.
Really, Maria?
Yes.
I used to work
in the Academie Franaise,
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
but it didn't teach
me nothin', I recall,
and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,
but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from 9: 00 till
6: 00, read every volume through,
but it didn't teach me
nothing about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older, and
it got more difficult to see.
Till eventually, me eyes
went and me arthritis got bad.
So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.
But I can't
be really sad,
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
You sometimes win or lose,
and though I may
be down right now,
at least I don't
work for Jews.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea we had
a racist working here.
I apologize most sincerely.
I mean...
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
As for me...
If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.
Come with me.
I was saying that...
Hello?
Come on.
Hello?
Hello!
This way.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Mind the stairs,
all right?
I think this
will help explain.
Come along.
Come along.
Over here.
Come on.
Come on.
This way.
Come on.
This way.
Stay by me.
Nearly there now.
You see that?
That's where I was born.
You know, one day, my mother,
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
"Gaston, my son,
"the world
is a beautiful place.
"You must go into it
and love everyone. "
"Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace and contentment,
"everywhere you go. "
So I became a waiter.
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
Well, fuck you.
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
Fuck off.
Don't come following me.
The Meaning of Life,
part seven. Death.
This man is about to die.
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
There he is.
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
you have been convicted by
12 good persons, and true,
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,
in a moving picture.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
It's no good.
I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
I want to end it all!
Goodbye! Goodbye!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! I...
What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...
Mummy!
Mum, where are you?
Daddy? Mummy?
Mummy?
Yes?
Is it about the hedge?
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but... I am the Grim Reaper.
Who?
The Grim Reaper.
Yes, I see.
I am Death.
Yes, well, the thing is,
we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...
Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
He's come about the reaping? I don't
think we need any at the moment.
Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.
I don't think
it's quite the moment.
Do come in.
Come along.
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
It's one of the little men
from the village.
Do come in.
Please.
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
H i.
And his wife, Debbie.
Hello, there.
And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. Yes.
Mr. Death is a reaper.
The Grim Reaper.
Hardly surprising
in this weather.
So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?
I am the Grim Reaper.
That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...
Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.
The Stilton's
awfully good.
I am not of this world.
Good Lord.
I am Death.
Well, isn't that
extraordinary?
We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
What other words can one use? Exactly.
You do not understand.
No. Obviously not.
I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death... You don't...
J ust one moment. I'd like to
express on behalf of everybody here,
what a really unique
experience this is.
Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.
Can I just finish, please?
Mr. Death.
Is there an afterlife?
Dear, if you could
just wait, please...
Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...
Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.
Be quiet!
Can I just say this
at this time, please?
Silence!
I have come for you.
You mean to...
Take you away.
That is my purpose.
I am Death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
I don't see it
that way, Geoff.
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
a potentially positive
learning experience that can...
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
You always talk,
you Americans.
You talk and you talk
and you say,
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this. "
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
Dead?
Dead.
All of us?
All of you.
Now look here.
You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,
and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
None of you
have got any balls.
Can I ask you a question?
What?
How can we all have died
at the same time?
The salmon mousse.
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.
Now the time has come.
Follow. Follow me.
J ust testing. Sorry.
Follow me. Now.
Come.
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
He's normally so reliable.
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.
Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.
Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
It really is embarrassing. I
mean, to serve salmon with botulism
at a dinner party
is social death.
Shall we take our cars?
Why not?
Good idea.
Why not?
Behold Paradise.
I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
Thank you.
There's a table for you through
there, in the restaurant.
Thank you.
For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.
Thank you.
Happy Christmas.
Oh, is it Christmas today?
Of course, madam.
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening,
a very wonderful and warm
and emotional moment
for all of us.
And I'd like to
sing a song,
for all of you.
It's Christmas in heaven
All the children sing
It's Christmas in heaven
Hark, hark,
those church bells ring
It's Christmas in heaven
The snow falls from the sky
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie
It's Christmas in heaven
There"s great films on TV
The Sound of Music
twice an hour
And Jaws I, I I and I I I
There"s gifts
for all the family
There's toiletries
and trains
There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets
And the latest video games
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
Every single day is...
Well, that's the end
of the film.
Now here's
the meaning of life.
Thank you, Brigitte.
Well, it's nothing
very special.
"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.
"Read a good book every now
and then. Get some walking in,
"and try and live together
in peace and harmony
"with people of all creeds
and nations. "
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
which is the only way these days
to get the jaded video-sated public
off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
What they want is filth.
People doing things
to each other
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
vigilante groups
strangling chickens,
armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
Just remember that
you"re standing on a planet
That"s evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour
It"s orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see
Are moving
at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it"s just
3,000 light years wide
We"re 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round every
200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go at
the speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that"s the fastest speed there is
So remember when you"re
feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there"s intelligent
life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth
of 1983,
as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy,
the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.
Terrible.
Really terrible.
Row!
That's it, Evans.
You're fired.
You heard me. Out.
Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.
Sacked?
Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.
Hey!
Come on! Come on!
Let me out of here!
I demand
to see my lawyer!
Tooley! Come on.
Quiet! Silence!
Now, lads, let's move.
You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
You, you and you,
into the rigging.
And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.
There, there, Charles.
Sorry!
Come on, Tooley.
This way!
Weigh the anchor!
Weigh the anchor.
And so, The Crimson Permanent Assurance
was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.
Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!
Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!
Look! To starboard!
There it lay,
the prize they sought.
Hard to starboard!
A financial district swollen with
multinationals, conglomerates,
and fat, bloated
merchant banks.
All right, lads,
battle stations!
Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!
All right, then. That's
enough. Take cover.
Down, down! Get down!
Down, down.
Hard to starboard!
Fire!
Eric! My balance sheets!
Ross! Get the readouts!
Stop him!
Eric!
Thanks!
Charge!
Come on! Grab it!
No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.
Cudgelled!
Gotcha!
You bastard!
Take this.
Here. File this.
Shit!
And so, heartened
by their initial success,
the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent Assurance
battled on until,
as the sun set
slowly in the west,
the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
became apparent.
Once-proud financial giants
lay in ruins,
their assets stripped,
their policies in tatters.
Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
Up, up, up your premium
Up, up, up your premium
Scribble away
And balance the books
Scribble away
But balance the books
It's fun to charter
an accountant
And sail the wide
accountancy
To find,
explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcy
It can be manly in insurance
We"ll up your premium
semiannually
It's all tax-deductible
We"re fairly incorruptible
Sailing on
the wide accountancy
Sail away...
And so, they sailed off
into the ledgers of history,
one by one, the financial
capitals of the world
crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
Or so it would have been,
if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world
had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
What's new?
Not much.
Morning!
Good morning! Morning!
Morning!
Morning!
Frank was just asking
what's new. Was he?
Yes.
Hey, look.
Howard's being eaten.
Is he?
Makes you think, doesn't it? H mm.
I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
Why are we here
What's life all about
Is God really real
Or is there some doubt
Well, tonight
we"re going to sort it all out
For tonight
it's The Meaning of Life
What"s the point
of all this hoax
Is it the chicken
and the egg time
Are we just yolks
Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes
Well, a, c'est
le meaning of life
Is life just a game
Where we make up the rules
While we"re searching
for something to say
Or are we just
simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
What is life
What is our fate
Is there heaven and hell
Do we reincarnate
Is mankind evolving
or is it too late
Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of Life
For millions
This life
is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round
with really nothing to say
While scientists say
We"re just
simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
So just why
Why are we here
And just what
What, what, what do we fear
Well, ce soir for a change
It will all be made clear
For this is
The Meaning of Life
C'est le sens de la vie
This is The Meaning of Life
Part one.
The miracle of birth.
One thousand and eight!
Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
Right.
Jolly good.
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
Yes. Yes. More
apparatus, please, N urse.
The EEG, the BP monitor and
the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.
And get the machine
that goes "ping. "
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
Still something
missing, though.
H mm?
H mm.
Patient.
Patient, yes.
Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
Here she is.
Bring it over here.
Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.
Come along!
Come along.
J ump on it.
Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Drips up.
Injections.
Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?
Only if I can
do the episiotomy.
Okay.
Thank you.
Legs up.
Oh, come in. Come on in, all
of you. That's it. Jolly good.
Come on. Come along. Spread round there.
Who are you?
I'm the husband.
I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.
What do I do?
Yes?
What do I do? Nothing,
dear. You're not qualified.
Leave it to us.
What's that for?
That's the machine
that goes "ping. "
You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.
Aren't you lucky?
The administrator
is here, Doctor.
Switch everything on.
Morning, gentlemen.
Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
Mr. Pycroft.
Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.
And what are you doing
this morning? It's a birth.
And what sort of thing
is that?
Well, that's when we take a
new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Wonderful what we
can do nowadays.
I see you have the machine that
goes "ping. " This is my favorite.
You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
Thank you, thank you. We try to
do our best. Well, do carry on.
Oh, the vulva's dilating,
Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.
Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.
Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.
Masks up!
Suction!
Eyes down
for a full house!
Here it comes.
And frighten it.
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
Right. Sedate her.
N umber the child.
Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.
Okay, show's over.
Is it a boy or a girl?
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
Now, a word of advice. You may
find that you suffer for some time,
a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PN D, as we doctors call it.
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.
The miracle of birth,
part two. The third world.
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, get it, would you,
Deidre? All right, Mum.
Now whose teatime is it?
Mine!
Come on.
Out you go.
Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
Now don't argue!
Laura, Alfred, N igel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
We're destitute.
Come in, my little loves. I've
got no option but to sell you all
for scientific experiments.
No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.
Blame the Catholic Church
for not letting me wear one
of those little rubber things.
Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time.
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
and the sanctity of the sacrament,
the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber things
on the end of my cock,
we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
Not if we're going
to remain members
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
He's right.
You see, we believe...
Well, let me put it like this.
There are Jews in the world
There are Buddhists
There are Hindus
and Mormons and then
There are those
that follow Mohammed
But I've never been
one of them
I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since
before I was born
And the one thing
they say about Catholics
Is they"ll take you
as soon as you"re warm
You don't have
to be a six-footer
You don't have to
have a great brain
You don't have to
have any clothes on
You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came
Because
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Let the heathens spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay
For each sperm
that can't be found
Every sperm is wanted
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
Spill theirs just anywhere
But God loves those who treat
Their semen with more care
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Every sperm is useful
Every sperm is fine
God needs everybody's
Mine
And mine
And mine
Let the pagans spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill and plain
God shall strike them down
For each sperm
that"s spilt in vain
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets
Quite irate
So you see my problem,
little ones.
I can't keep you all here
any longer.
Speak up!
I can't keep you all here
any longer!
God has blessed us so much I
can't afford to feed you anymore.
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
It's not as simple as
that, N igel. God knows all.
He'd see through
such a cheap trick.
What we do to ourselves,
we do to H im.
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,
but believe me,
me mind's made up.
I've given this long
and careful thought,
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
with bloody people they
can't afford to bloody feed.
What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
Well, why do they have
so many children?
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
But it's the same with us,
Harry. What do you mean?
Well, I mean
we've got two children,
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.
Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
we can take precautions.
What, you mean
lock the door?
No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
What do you mean?
I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.
Oh, yes, Harry.
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.
Ooh! That's what being
a Protestant's all about.
That's why
it's the church for me.
That's why
it's the church for anyone
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
to decide for him
or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517,
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
I can wear French Ticklers
if I want. You what?
French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
but I can go down the road anytime
I want and walk into Harry's
and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice,
"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.
"In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. "
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
But despite the attempts
of Protestants
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.
And spotteth twice they the
camels before the third hour.
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
by Shor Ethra Regalion,
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
and there,
slew they the goats,
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
Here endeth the lesson.
Let us praise God.
O Lord.
O Lord.
Ooh! You are so big.
Ooh! You are so big.
So absolutely huge.
So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
And barefaced flattery.
But you're so strong,
and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen, Reverend.
Amen.
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
into the school cormorant.
Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
who so gallantly
gave their lives
to keep China British.
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
Oh, and, Jenkins,
apparently, your mother
died this morning.
Chaplain.
O Lord, please don't burn us
Don"t grill or toast
Your flock
Don"t put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise
or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok
Oh, please don't
lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat
Don"t fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat
And please don"t
stick thy servants, Lord
In a Rotissomat
He's coming!
All right, settle down,
settle down.
Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of you
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
before you write
your letter home,
if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
collect his note before lunch,
put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,
and make sure he moves your clothes
down onto the lower peg for you.
Now...
Sir?
Yes, Wymer?
My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir.
But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes...
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
If you're not
getting your hair cut,
you don't have to move your brother's
clothes down to the lower peg.
You simply collect his note
before lunch,
after you've done
your scripture prep,
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney
that you've had
your chit signed.
Now, sex.
Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?
Well, had I got as far as
the penis entering the vagina?
No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.
Well, had I done foreplay?
Yes, sir.
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
no doubt you can tell me what
the purpose of foreplay is.
Biggs.
Don't know.
Sorry, sir.
Carter?
Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?
Well, and after that?
Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.
The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
Yes. Harris, will you?
And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect
and harden.
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!
I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
I may decide
to set an exam this term.
Oh, sir!
Sir!
So just listen.
Now did I or did I not
do vaginal juices?
Yes, sir.
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? H mm?
Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?
You don't
have to go leaping
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
Give her a kiss, boy.
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.
I suppose so.
Biting the neck.
Yes, good.
N ibbling the earlobe,
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
So we have
all these possibilities,
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Now, all these forms
of stimulation
can now take place.
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
of how the juices
are coming along.
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
H umphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
I told the Garfields we
would dine with them tonight.
Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.
I said we'd be
there by 8: 00.
At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
It's just that I felt...
Wymer, this is
for your benefit.
Would you kindly
wake up?
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.
No, of course not,
H umphrey.
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,
in the standard way.
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
There we are,
that's better.
Now, Carter.
Yes, sir?
What is it?
It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,
by pushing forward.
Thank you, dear.
Now, as the
sexual excitement mounts...
What's funny, Biggs?
Oh, nothing, sir.
Do, please, share your little
joke with the rest of us.
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
No, honestly, sir.
Well, as it's so funny,
I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
Oh, no, sir!
Come on, Buster!
Well played, well played.
The Meaning of Life, part
three. Fighting each other.
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
Hang on, 68.
You'll never make it, let us come
with you. Do as you're told, man.
Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?
If we don't
meet again, sir.
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.
No, just a moment, sir.
Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.
We've bought you something,
sir. We bought you this, sir.
Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.
It's a lovely thought.
Thank you. Thank you all.
But I think
we'd better get to cover...
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
Walters thought
he was buying a present
and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
I think we'd better
get to cover now.
I'll thank you properly
later on.
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
He didn't know
about the others.
It's Swiss. Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.
Good man.
And there's a card, sir.
From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.
Thank you all.
Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.
H ip, hip.
Hooray!
H ip, hip...
Blackitt! Blackitt!
I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.
Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, this is
really going too far.
I don't seem to be able to find
it, sir, be in number four trench.
For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.
You shouldn't
have said that, sir.
You've hurt his feelings, now.
Don't mind me, Spadge.
Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.
The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
I don't mean
to be ungrateful.
I'll be all right...
Blackie! Blackie!
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
but Blackitt
would be out there,
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
I mean, you try getting butter
to melt at 15 degrees below zero.
There's love in that cake, this
man's love and this man's care and...
Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.
All right, we will eat
the cake. They're right.
It's too good a cake
not to eat.
Get the plates
and knives, Walters.
Yes, sir.
How many plates?
Six.
Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?
Yes, get the tablecloth.
No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
Okay!
But, of course, warfare isn't
all fun. Right. Stop that.
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.
Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
That is why we'll always need an army.
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
Don't stand there gawping,
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
Well?
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
than marching up and down
the square?
Yes! Atkinson.
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
Would you now?
Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.
Now,
everybody else happy
with my little plan,
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
Sarge?
Yes?
I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.
Go read your book then.
Now!
Everybody else
quite content to join in
with my little scheme
of marching
up and down the square?
Sarge?
Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?
Well, I'm learning the piano.
Learning the piano?
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose
you want to go practice, eh?
Marching up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?
Well...
Right! Off you go!
Now, what about
the rest of you?
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
All right! Off you go!
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
Left, right, left.
Democracy and humanitarianism
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
Rubbish!
Shh!
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class
that has made the British Army
what it is.
Excuse me.
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?
I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.
Well, so did we.
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
Yes, I suppose so.
Here, now.
Come on, boy.
Morning, Perkins.
Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?
Bitten, sir.
During the night.
Oh?
The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.
How's it feel?
Stings a bit. Well,
it would, wouldn't it?
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?
Any idea how
it happened?
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
Woke up just now,
one sock too many.
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
We've sent
for the doctor.
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
You don't think
it'll come back, do you?
For more, you mean?
You're right. We'd
better get this stitched.
Right.
Hello, Doc!
Morning. I came as fast as
I could. Is something up?
Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.
Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?
Yes.
Any headache?
Bowels all right?
Well, let's have a look at
this one leg of yours, then, eh?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
Oh, good. There's a lot of
it about. Probably a virus.
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
try and favor
the other leg.
Oh, righto.
As right as rain
in a couple of days.
Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
No, I'm fine.
Jolly good.
Well, must be off.
So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?
U h...
I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.
It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.
You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
What we're looking for, and this
is no more than an educated guess,
I'd like to make that clear,
is some multi-cellular
life-form
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11-foot long
and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.
What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
A tiger?
A tiger in Africa?
H mm?
A tiger in Africa!
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
Doesn't sound
very likely to me.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Sir! Sir!
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
Oh, jolly good.
Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.
C- division wiped out.
Signals gone.
Thirty men killed in
F-section. Yes, I see.
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
Jolly good.
I haven't got
the final figures,
but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.
Probably a tiger.
In Africa?
The MO says we can stitch it back
on if we can find it immediately.
Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.
It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.
A search party.
Much better idea.
Sorry about the mess, sir.
We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.
We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? Yes.
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
Yes, very good.
Morning, sir.
Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.
Thank you very much, sir.
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
Better than staying home,
isn't it?
I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
I mean, I killed 15 of those
buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me.
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Look!
My God! It's huge!
Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. We're not a tiger.
We were just...
Why are you dressed
as a tiger?
Oh, why, why, why?
Isn't it a lovely
day today?
Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...
Well, actually, we're
dressed like this because...
Oh, no, that's not it.
Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree. H igh spirits.
Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.
Well, actually, we're on a
mission for British Intelligence.
There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.
Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.
"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat. "
Now, look...
All right, all right.
We are dressed as a tiger because
he had an auntie who did it in 1839.
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
God told us to do it.
To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
It doesn't matter!
What?
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
Good thinking.
Well, have you?
Actually...
Yes?
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
Be quiet!
Now look,
we're just asking you
if you've got
this man's leg.
A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.
He was fast asleep, and someone or
something came in and removed it.
Without waking him up?
Yes.
I don't believe you.
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
Shut up!
Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?
Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
Why did you say yes?
I didn't.
I'm not talking to you.
U m...
Right. Search the thicket.
Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like
the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
Search the thicket.
Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!
Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.
Somebody must have
abandoned it here,
knowing you were
coming after it.
We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.
They'll be miles away
by now.
We'll have to take
all the blame.
Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
the moment where we take a break
and invite you, the audience,
to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
Yell out so that all
the cinema can hear you.
So here we are
with Find the Fish.
I wonder
where that fish has gone.
You did love it so.
You looked after it
like a son.
And it went
wherever I did go.
Is it in the cupboard?
Yes! No!
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
And it went
wherever I did go.
It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
Have you thought of the
drawers in the bureau?
It is a most
elusive fish.
And it went
wherever I did go.
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
Fish, fish, fishy, oh!
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
That went
wherever I did go.
Look up his trunk! Yeah!
It's in his trousers!
That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!
Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!
Really risky, yeah.
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
Well, it's been building
up to it. Has it?
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
Personally, I doubt
they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
They're bound to.
Yeah.
What do you think
the next bit will be?
Caption, I expect.
What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Middle Age.
Could've guessed it.
That's much better.
Thank you, honey.
You're welcome.
It was all sort of
misty before.
That's fine.
Hey! How are you?
Oh, we're just fine.
What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?
Well, we sort of
like pineapple.
Yeah, we love pineapple.
Yeah, anything with
pineapple in is great for us.
Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?
Oh, that sounds fine.
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
Isn't this nice?
How are ya?
Take a little Kodak. Oh,
thank you. Thank you very much.
Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?
Oh, that would
be wonderful.
Our special tonight
is minorities.
Oh, that sounds
real interesting.
What's this conversation
here? That's football.
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
No, it's more of an attempt
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
What was that?
What's he saying?
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
Sure. Why not?
Philosophy for two?
Right.
Room?
Yeah.
How do we...
Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?
We'd appreciate that.
Okay! Well, look.
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.
No.
Right. You ever wanted to
know what it's all about?
Nope.
Righty-ho! Well,
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
Great!
And we call these guys
philosophers.
Oh! And that's what we're talking about.
Right!
Oh, that's neat.
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
There you are.
Have a nice conversation.
Oh, thank you
very much.
He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."
Oh.
Like N ietzsche.
Does N ietzsche
begin with an "S"?
There's an "S" in N ietzsche.
Oh, well, yes, there is.
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
Yeah. I think most of them do.
Oh. Does that mean Selena
Jones is a philosopher?
Yeah! Right! She could be.
She sings about
the meaning of life.
Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.
Or in Hal David.
Who's Hal David?
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have
one today that's not on the menu.
It's sort of a specialty
of the house, you know?
Live organ transplants.
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
The Meaning of Life, part
five. Live organ transplants.
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?
What?
Your liver.
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
You know, it's
reddish-brown, it's sort of...
Yeah, yeah, I know what
it is, but I'm using it.
Come on, sir. Don't muck
us about. Hey, hey, hey!
Hello!
What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
Need we say more?
No.
Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, "In the event of death. "
My God!
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
J ust lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
Here. What's going on?
He's donating
his liver, madam.
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
That's right, madam.
Typical of him.
He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,
comes home all full
of good intentions.
He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
That's what
he used to say.
"It's all for the good of
the country," he used to say.
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
H mm?
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
I wouldn't
know about that, madam.
We're just doing our jobs,
you know?
You're not doctors, then?
Oh, blimey, no.
Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.
I'll see you about 7: 00?
Righto, son.
Look after yourself.
You fancy
a cup of tea?
Oh, well, that'd be
very nice. Thank you.
Thank you very much, madam. Thank you.
I thought
she'd never ask.
You do realize
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
before he donates his liver.
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
I mean,
I was wonderin'...
Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.
I mean, will you stay
on your own?
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,
on the horizon?
I'm too old for that sort
of thing. I'm past my prime.
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
Sure?
Sure.
Can we have your liver
then? I would be scared.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Listen to this.
Whenever life gets
you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard
or tough
And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft
and you feel
that you"ve had
quite enough.
Just remember
that you"re standing
On a planet
that"s evolving
And revolving
at 900 miles an hour
It"s orbiting at 19 miles
a second so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see
Are moving
at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it"s just
3,000 light years wide
We"re 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round
every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps
on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you"re
feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there"s intelligent
life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth
Makes you feel so, sort of
insignificant, doesn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Can we have
your liver, then?
Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.
Eric!
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
of just how much there is
still left to own.
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
One. People are not wearing enough hats.
Two. Matter is energy.
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
Some energies have a spiritual
source, which act upon a person's soul.
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
as orthodox Christianity
teaches.
It has to be
brought into existence,
by a process of guided
self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique ability
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about
hats again?
Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.
Is this true?
Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,
but not pari passu,
as our research...
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with
reference to your second point,
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
What?
Good Lord!
Good Lord!
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!
We interrupt this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack
by the supporting feature.
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
Thank you.
The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.
Isn"t it awfully nice
to have a penis
Isn"t it frightfully good
to have a dong
It"s swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world"s biggest prick
So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife"s
best friend, your percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
or they will stick you in the dock
And you won"t come back
Thank you very much.
Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.
Terribly clever.
Jolly good.
Marvelous.
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
Better.
Better?
Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.
Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.
There we are, monsieur.
Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
Allow me.
A new bucket
for monsieur.
And the cleaning woman.
Et maintenant, would
monsieur care for an aperitif,
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,
moules marinires, pt
de foie gras, beluga caviar,
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart,
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of pured mushrooms.
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
I'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur. And
now, how would you like it served?
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.
Don't skimp on the pt.
Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.
In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.
Something to drink,
monsieur?
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
and a double Jeroboam of champagne. '45.
Bon, and the usual
brown ales?
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
Shut up!
D'accord.
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
Is there something wrong
with the food?
No, the food
was excellent.
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
No, no complaints.
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather a heavy period.
And we have
a train to catch.
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
Madam? Perhaps we should be going?
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
So nice to see you,
and I hope very much we
will see you again very soon.
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket
for monsieur,
and perhaps a hose.
Oh, Max. Really!
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.
No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.
It's only wafer-thin.
Look, I couldn't eat another
thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.
All right, just one.
J ust the one, monsieur.
Voila.
Bon appetit.
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
working in a place like this.
Well, I've worked in worse
places, philosophically speaking.
Really, Maria?
Yes.
I used to work
in the Academie Franaise,
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
but it didn't teach
me nothin', I recall,
and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,
but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from 9: 00 till
6: 00, read every volume through,
but it didn't teach me
nothing about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older, and
it got more difficult to see.
Till eventually, me eyes
went and me arthritis got bad.
So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.
But I can't
be really sad,
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
You sometimes win or lose,
and though I may
be down right now,
at least I don't
work for Jews.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea we had
a racist working here.
I apologize most sincerely.
I mean...
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
As for me...
If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.
Come with me.
I was saying that...
Hello?
Come on.
Hello?
Hello!
This way.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Mind the stairs,
all right?
I think this
will help explain.
Come along.
Come along.
Over here.
Come on.
Come on.
This way.
Come on.
This way.
Stay by me.
Nearly there now.
You see that?
That's where I was born.
You know, one day, my mother,
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
"Gaston, my son,
"the world
is a beautiful place.
"You must go into it
and love everyone. "
"Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace and contentment,
"everywhere you go. "
So I became a waiter.
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
Well, fuck you.
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
Fuck off.
Don't come following me.
The Meaning of Life,
part seven. Death.
This man is about to die.
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
There he is.
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
you have been convicted by
12 good persons, and true,
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,
in a moving picture.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
It's no good.
I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
I want to end it all!
Goodbye! Goodbye!
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! I...
What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...
Mummy!
Mum, where are you?
Daddy? Mummy?
Mummy?
Yes?
Is it about the hedge?
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but... I am the Grim Reaper.
Who?
The Grim Reaper.
Yes, I see.
I am Death.
Yes, well, the thing is,
we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...
Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
He's come about the reaping? I don't
think we need any at the moment.
Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.
I don't think
it's quite the moment.
Do come in.
Come along.
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
It's one of the little men
from the village.
Do come in.
Please.
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
H i.
And his wife, Debbie.
Hello, there.
And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. Yes.
Mr. Death is a reaper.
The Grim Reaper.
Hardly surprising
in this weather.
So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?
I am the Grim Reaper.
That's about all he says.
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
We were just talking about some of
the awful problems facing the Third...
Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.
The Stilton's
awfully good.
I am not of this world.
Good Lord.
I am Death.
Well, isn't that
extraordinary?
We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
What other words can one use? Exactly.
You do not understand.
No. Obviously not.
I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death... You don't...
J ust one moment. I'd like to
express on behalf of everybody here,
what a really unique
experience this is.
Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.
Can I just finish, please?
Mr. Death.
Is there an afterlife?
Dear, if you could
just wait, please...
Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...
Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.
Be quiet!
Can I just say this
at this time, please?
Silence!
I have come for you.
You mean to...
Take you away.
That is my purpose.
I am Death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
I don't see it
that way, Geoff.
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
a potentially positive
learning experience that can...
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
You always talk,
you Americans.
You talk and you talk
and you say,
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this. "
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
Dead?
Dead.
All of us?
All of you.
Now look here.
You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,
and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
None of you
have got any balls.
Can I ask you a question?
What?
How can we all have died
at the same time?
The salmon mousse.
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.
Now the time has come.
Follow. Follow me.
J ust testing. Sorry.
Follow me. Now.
Come.
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
He's normally so reliable.
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.
Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.
Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
It really is embarrassing. I
mean, to serve salmon with botulism
at a dinner party
is social death.
Shall we take our cars?
Why not?
Good idea.
Why not?
Behold Paradise.
I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
Thank you.
There's a table for you through
there, in the restaurant.
Thank you.
For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.
Thank you.
Happy Christmas.
Oh, is it Christmas today?
Of course, madam.
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
It's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening,
a very wonderful and warm
and emotional moment
for all of us.
And I'd like to
sing a song,
for all of you.
It's Christmas in heaven
All the children sing
It's Christmas in heaven
Hark, hark,
those church bells ring
It's Christmas in heaven
The snow falls from the sky
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie
It's Christmas in heaven
There"s great films on TV
The Sound of Music
twice an hour
And Jaws I, I I and I I I
There"s gifts
for all the family
There's toiletries
and trains
There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets
And the latest video games
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
Every single day is...
Well, that's the end
of the film.
Now here's
the meaning of life.
Thank you, Brigitte.
Well, it's nothing
very special.
"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.
"Read a good book every now
and then. Get some walking in,
"and try and live together
in peace and harmony
"with people of all creeds
and nations. "
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
which is the only way these days
to get the jaded video-sated public
off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
What they want is filth.
People doing things
to each other
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
vigilante groups
strangling chickens,
armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
Just remember that
you"re standing on a planet
That"s evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour
It"s orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source
of all our power
The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see
Are moving
at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it"s just
3,000 light years wide
We"re 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
We go round every
200 million years
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
In this amazing
and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
In all of the directions
it can whizz
As fast as it can go at
the speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute and
that"s the fastest speed there is
So remember when you"re
feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
And pray that there"s intelligent
life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth