The Moguls (2005) Movie Script

Welcome to Butterface Fields.
America. Small Town, USA.
The white picket fences around here
probably need repair,
but, uh, I like us...
Uh, care about us.
We... We make our share of mistakes.
But you'll see.
This is Floyd's. Floyd's Bar.
Also our coffee shop, our clubhouse,
our spot for Sunday brunch and...
Oh, that's me.
The miserable one. Andy Sargentee.
Ah, today I'm too tired of it.
More unaccepting than even usual.
We shouldnt interrupt him.
- He's busy.
- He's busy thinking.
Friends dont let friends think.
We should do something.
- Stop him.
- Just go see whats wrong.
- Go, go, go.
- Go on, go on.
Come on.
Lets go.
Hi, Andy.
You want to come over and, uh,
sit with us, Andy?
Hey, Andy.
What are you doing,
thinking? Dont do that, Andy.
Okay. Well, Andy, were over here.
Yeah, were... right over here, Andy.
That was Moe and Ron.
We always call 'em Moe-Ron.
They're never apart. Good guys.
I'd... I'd just had enough
of not having enough.
There had to be something
that I could come up with.
You need to stop taking
a dump around here, Andy.
In fact, you need to
start wearing a diaper.
- Thats an order.
- You stopped me from calling.
You said you wanted them needy.
Thought we might be able
to jack up the price on "em.
- Oh, I said that?
- A lot of people heard you.
Youre fired, stinky. Good-bye.
No more telling the
boss to blow himself.
I am trying to hold onto these jobs.
Thats the scary part.
Youve got to give it
a different kind of try.
Aw, Jesus, Andy! What the hell?
Are you out of your mind?
Would've been niftier
if I hadn't already been fired.
My wife Thelma, she
divorced me this year.
I know I would stand by you.
I'm even willing to believe in you.
I... I just...
I just dont know what else to do.
If you want me back, let me know.
I wanted her back,
but I didn't do
anything to get her back.
Thel gets good scores.
She deserved plenty
and got nothing from me.
Bye, Dad.
Eventually she met a guy, married him.
Did real well for herself,
and that's as it should be.
She's got the kid, Bill.
Ah, he's a... He's a good kid.
L... I wish I had more to offer him.
See, the reason that
everybody was so worried, uh...
Well, I-I've gotten like
this before, and, uh,
the ideas that I come up with...
Well, when I get 'em,
I tend to go with 'em,
and we're close here,
so others go with me.
I got us all to put in big
on one of those pyramids.
Tech at the height of the bubble.
Selling vitamins, even, but
we were all selling them,
so there was no one to buy 'em.
Stuff like that.
Oh, crap.
Barney Macklehatton, my best pal.
I had bigger problems.
How long has he been like this?
A long time.
Didnt you do anything?
I've been feeding him free drinks.
Thats my best trick.
Floyd, Barney's father.
Get younger.
Eat shit.
That's nice. They've become even closer
now that Barn's mom's passed on.
Andy, please, dont do this.
Were in some trouble here.
That's Helen Tatelbaum.
Hey, You turn pro?
Barney's in love with her,
ever since we were kids,
right to this minute.
No greater love has
the world ever known.
So, uh, what times this married guy
supposed to pick you up?
He's not married, Barney.
Theyre never married, Helen.
They just have wives.
I told you this one is not married.
But this ones not coming.
Its 9:30.
What time was he
supposed to pick you up?
I'm guessing 8.
But they've never
gotten together, though.
Just hold on. We get out of
this bar pretty soon, by the way.
Man, how you doing?
Uh, that's Moose.
He really behaves like this.
Has no idea how it seems.
Yeah, he... he's gay.
For some reason, he doesn't
want us to know this.
Seems to honestly believe we don't.
Yeah, I assumed you
needed some explaining.
Oh, and, uh, we didn't name him.
Two out of three.
He came to us one day and said, uh,
"Please call me Moose. "
We don't ask questions.
Hey, Andy. Why all glum, buddy?
Hey, lets get out of here
and rustle us up a couple of babes.
Always lifts my spirits.
Not the only thing it lifts. Boom!
He's serious.
Oh, that's just Some Idiot.
Hiya, Some Idiot.
- Hey, Some.
- How was school tonight, Some?
Some Idiot. Hey!
Some Idiot attends junior
college night school.
He studies something different
each night he attends.
Love the guy. Him we named.
So, yesterday was my kid's birthday.
I haven't seen him in a while.
Since before the honeymoon.
They took the kid, put him
in a private school, too.
Then they had to move
into this guy's house.
So I want to get him
something really nice...
really nice from his dad.
And the kid loves basketball. Loves it.
Can I help you?
Yeah, uh, which ball
do the pros play with?
- Uh, that one there.
- Mmm.
- Eighty bucks for a ball?
- Yup.
This is definitely the
ball the pros use, hmm?
Definitely the pro ball,
and its definitely $80.
Well, 79.99.
Plus theres tax on that, right?
Yeah, I didnt hear anything about this
being a no-tax day.
Do you think it might be?
Are you being fresh?
I dont know what "fresh" means.
Look, I want to buy this ball.
I may be a little short.
So, what, are you going to steal it?
Well, no, I thought thats what
you were going to say.
"Cause Wally, he usually
charges full price,
so that just leaves stealing.
Is Wally around or a manager or...
Yeah, Wallys here. Sure. I'll get him.
Guy with no money in basketballs.
- Hi, what can I do for you?
- Oh, yeah, I, um...
I, uh, want to buy this ball.
I have the money.
Absolutely. Terrific.
No, no. Uh...
I may be a little
short on my credit card.
Can we squeeze as much as we can on it,
and then maybe I could
let you hold something
until I come back, uh,
you know, with the rest?
I... I need to have the ball right now.
- No.
- No?
Excuse me. Wally?
You may be being fresh.
All right. Well, lets,
um... Lets try this.
I, uh, may have some room
on this other credit card.
- You know...
- You know what?
L... I might have some, uh...
This ball here is 39.99.
This is a very good ball.
He's going to ask you about tax now.
This isnt the official ball.
Absolutely correct.
But thats not the only special ball.
This ball, too, is special.
Now, if you were to describe that ball,
state its special significance,
you might say that that
ball is used in the pros,
whereas this balls
special significance,
stated, is that you may
be able to afford it.
What kind of businessman
are you? Come on. Uh...
Give me a break. Build
some customer relations.
You think I'm really
looking for the customer
whos a bust-out by dollar 80?
I could have friends.
A guy who doesnt have 80 bucks
doesnt have rich friends.
But I bet you have some
lovely 39.99 friends.
Youre going to gift
wrap this for me, right?
Why, certainly, sir.
Yeah, I'd sure hate to
lose you as a customer.
Take it easy.
I knew this guy was rich.
Ah, I didn't know he
was this goddamn rich.
As you might've guessed,
I had no trouble getting the house
in the divorce settlement.
I've met the guy before a couple times.
He's very nice.
Hello, Andy.
Welcome. Welcome. Please, come in.
Nice place. Big.
Thank you.
Um, so we had a really nice trip.
I think Billy enjoyed it.
At least I hope he did.
He'll be right down.
Or you can go up. How you been?
Oh, uh, I'm good.
Hello, Andy.
Oh, hey, Thel.
How are you?
Good. You look good.
Thank you.
Hows everything?
Oh, everything...
- Are you working? ... is fine.
Some place, huh?
- Billy must love it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Dad!
- Hey, birthday boy!
- Some place you got here.
- Yeah. You wanna see it?
I can show you around.
You gotta see my room.
Yeah. Yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead. See you guys later.
Hey, get your dad something to drink.
Nice guy. Howard.
Yeah, I really like him.
I mean, He's not as great as you,
but if you and mom had to split up...
Hey, hey. I want you to like him.
Dont worry about that.
Hey, I got you something.
Oh, great. You didnt have to do that.
Yeah, right, Dopey.
Whoa. Dope.
Ha. This is some room, Dopey.
Yeah, you know, Howard
has lots of money, so...
Yeah, thats good quality.
Listen, Dad, about this weekend.
Do you think it'd be okay
if I didnt come stay with you?
Its just this guy in my class,
my first new friend at this school,
has a country house and
invited me for the weekend.
Oh. No, go have fun with your friends.
Its not that I dont
want to hang out with you.
No. No. Hey, you know.
Youre getting older now,
you have things to
do with your friends.
Yeah, its just for this weekend.
Are you sure you understand?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Go, have a great time.
- Go.
- All right.
Hey, give me my present.
Oh, this? No, no.
Dad, I know its a basketball.
Its okay. I dont have one from you.
This isnt for you.
Uh, I'm definitely
giving you something,
but I just forgot to bring it.
I'm sorry. I'll get it to you.
Really, Dad, it doesnt matter.
If you bought it for
me, Id like to have it.
But I didnt, Bill.
Didnt you understand what I said?
This isnt for you.
This is for somebody
I have to see after... Later.
I'm real sorry you cant stay.
Yeah, me, too. Wish I could. L...
Yeah. Hey, uh, Andy?
Look, um...
All right, you have a great son.
And I also care about him a great deal,
and I hope thats okay.
Now, um, I've been very
fortunate in my life,
and its my pleasure to give to Billy,
but if youre not
comfortable with that...
You give, uh, whatever you like.
Whatever you got. Lots.
You know, He's a good
kid. Its good of you to...
Yeah, thanks. I gotta go.
That was a good day.
Oh, while we were gone, Otis came in.
I don't know.
He's my friend, I love the guy,
and, yeah, I'm
apologizing ahead of time,
but hang in there.
No one loves women more than me.
I like women more than I like men.
I like women so much
that I cant understand
why theyre not all lesbians.
I'm not related to the guy.
I'm discouraged, God damn it!
I hear you, Andy.
Youve got to give it
a different kind of try.
He's not reading that paper.
Not that.
This is America.
Anythings possible!
Think, Andy! Think!
Whatever he comes up
with, were not in.
You have a great son.
You're fired, stinky. Good-bye.
I'd sure hate to lose
you as a customer.
Oh, crap.
Were gonna make a porno film!
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
Tutti Frutti, whoo
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
a- lop bam bam
I got a gal named Sue
She knows just what to do
I got a girl named Sue
She knows just what to do
She rock me to the East
She rock me to the West
But she's the girl that I love best
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
Tutti Frutti, whoo
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
Tutti Frutti, oh, rootie
You definitely qualify
for a free rental.
Porn is a $12 billion industry
in annual sales.
959 million rentals of porn
reported this year.
15,000 new ones are coming out.
300 a week.
What are the newest,
hottest things in porn?
Amateur porn.
The stuff that just any idiot can make
with his video camera.
Any idiot.
Some Idiots got a brother.
Now, we are amateurs.
This is so right for us.
Now, whats even better
is were gonna do something
thats never been done before.
Were gonna be the first town
to band together
to make the first full-length feature
amateur adult film.
So, two firsts for us.
This could be really noisy.
I wanna go for the brass ring here.
You know, why do it otherwise?
Am I right, Emmett?
Were behind you 100%, Andy.
Is that camera connected to his face?
Pass those over there.
Emmett, Floyd, is what
they call a film guy.
He's one of those guys
that knows all about movies,
making them and seeing them.
Well, He's seen everything.
He works at a video store.
- And thats Emmett?
- Emmett is a film guy, Moose.
He's a film guy, Moose.
I know that, Barney. I heard Andy.
Well, great. Welcome, Emmett.
Emmett has been taking film classes
that have lasted all
summer long, and, uh...
Ive taken classes.
I know that, Some Idiot.
I gotta tell you, I have
a feeling about this kid.
Andy, all the blood from the stone
that is me is yours without asking.
Just curiosity here.
Whats in it for Emmett?
Emmett is our...
He's going to shoot the film.
And he, you know,
knows what He's doing.
Plus, He's gonna do it for free.
Just doing it for the experience.
I'm in. Except for no money,
its a no-brainer for me.
First off, making a stag film
has to be a good time.
Number two, my hats off to you.
Good job. We can do this.
What are we talking about here?
Making a dirty movie...
film, whatever, whatever.
What does that require?
Pointing a camera at a he and a she
he'in and a she'in.
We film some sex, we got a porno.
We have accomplished our goal.
Its not a hundred
things, its one thing.
The one thing people most want to do.
Proceed, dont mind us,
were just doing a little filming here.
Its so specific,
its so well-defined,
I gotta say we can do this.
Thank you, Otis.
I'm with you, Otis. You said it.
All right, buddy. Go porno.
Porno! Porno!
I cant wait, you know? Down in front.
I'm no choirboy, but
if we make a porno,
then weve made a porno.
Doesnt the mafia make them?
All right, enough snacks.
Floyd, good question,
but the mafia isnt making this one.
Butterface Fields is, hmm?
Each of us has lived
here all our lives.
We score, we score together.
We dont want to hurt anybody.
We know why were doing this.
Its business, right?
That means were gonna need a script?
Yeah, thats right.
I'm the guy for that.
Well, we'll talk about that, Some.
But just sex scenes
sounds fine to me, eh.
No. No, Otis. No.
- And were gonna need a director.
- Thats right. Yeah.
- I'm the guy for that.
- Well talk about that, Some.
First, let me just...
Andy, you think I havent
studied screenplay writing?
Screenplay. Thats what its called.
- Yep. Some?
- A script for a movie.
- Well talk about that later.
- Theres a name for people like me.
Theyre called writer/directors.
We do two things.
Hollywood had to invent it
because theres a lot of
people in Hollywood like me
that are multi-gifted.
Come Christmas morning,
a kid has two gifts under a tree.
You cant ask him to open just one.
- Sophie's Choice.
- Whats that, kid?
Uh, Sophie's Choice.
Yeah, if you like. Sure, kid.
The kid could be named Sophie.
See, Andy? Were creating.
Its called collaboration.
I work well with others.
Andy, Clara and Mrs. Morelli
have asked me to ask you
just when can they get a look
at some big porno wienie,
"cause they just love
the big porno wienie.
Funny, Otis, but, please,
let me just go on, okay?
Andy, how much is this
going to cost each of us?
Uh, total, uh...
Should we starting
writing checks now, Andy?
Yeah, were in, Andy.
Two grand apiece.
- Oh, my...
- 'Kay,
- Now we were off and running.
- What?
We were all equal partners financially,
but I told them that those
involved in making the film
would get something that's
called screen credit.
They'd see their name
when they watched the film.
Nobody thought that
was anything too great.
And then I had explained that
I had watched a lot of films
to prepare for this,
and had at my house
some excellent examples of porno.
There were two problems immediately.
Where was everyone gonna get two grand,
and of those who wanted to be involved
in, uh, the production,
who was gonna do what?
Here, I've learned
movies are supposed to show, not tell,
so I'll show you Otis telling
me what he'd like to do.
- Andy, I appreciate you coming by.
- Ah...
- Hey.
- Hey, Rev.
I'm gonna get my money.
Oh, great.
You know I want in,
and I want in as more...
more than just an investor.
I wanna be involved. Totally.
Well, you know, it takes a
lot of people to make a movie.
Theres lots to do.
Do you have some idea
what youd like to do?
Id like to watch.
Well, you know about this
movie film stuff, Andy.
Is there a guy,
when youre making a movie,
who just stands around?
Andy, I know why youre doing this,
and I'm rooting for
you and I'm with you.
I mean, we know each
other how long, huh?
You are familiar with my life.
You may notice that I'm sweeping here.
I dont like being a
custodian of a church,
but I wouldnt like anything
else, either, you know?
Life is a little too dirty
for my taste, in general.
People, for the most part,
arent really my cup of tea,
but, now, you tell me that
for the next week or two
that I...
I get to hang around
with porno peacharoonies,
and be there while they do their thing?
And drink coffee with them,
and after coffee, you know,
walk them over to their next hump.
I mean, I cant think
of anything better
I could win at a raffle.
And afterward...
youre gonna put money in my pocket?
I'm not gonna be changed by this event,
but thats better than my days go.
Can you use a guy like me, Andy?
Otis was made executive producer
on the film.
Hey, Some.
Hey, guys. Thanks a lot for coming.
Let me get right to the point.
Andy, Id like to talk
to you about the film.
Id really... Id like
to be the writer/director.
Yeah, I know, Some.
Uh... isnt that an
awful lot to handle?
Sure it is, Andy Sure it is.
But thats why its
so attractive to me.
But, Some, youd actually
have to write the script,
and I'm sure directing
means that youd really
need to seem like you have some idea
about what youre doing.
Andy, look.
Andy, look. Come here.
I promise you, I will not show up
on that set before I can seem like
I have some idea of what I'm doing.
Already Ive been in
a photography class.
Not just one class, a few nights.
- I know.
- Writing class.
And, Andy, I am not lying,
Ive taken a film class.
Showed up pretty often.
We watch movies and talk about "em.
Look, forget all that.
Listen to me, Andy.
When you yelled out the other night
that we were gonna make a film,
it was honestly a sign from God for me.
I mean, just that day...
I swear this, Andy...
I came to the realization...
I mean, Ive never known anything
or felt anything
so clearly in my life
that what I'm meant to be,
is that my...
my destiny is to be...
a... director.
Some, I wont let you
develop my snapshots,
and I love you.
Thats the other thing.
Youre filming this
thing, right, not videoing?
Yeah, Emmett can get
something called short ends
of 16mm film.
Film looks a lot better than video,
which is another way
ours will stand out.
The place we send the
film to from this place...
does all the developing for
all the big movie outfits.
I could work some big
time magic over there.
Developing wont be
your biggest expense.
Not if I'm the writer/director.
Andy, this is your baby.
I only want success for you.
And look, Some is a
friend of mine, too,
but certainly one of
our keys to success here
is to keep him as far away
from this thing as possible,
and you just made him
the writer/director.
Okay, good, he can help
us with the developing...
No, he cant.
This is Some were talking about.
He stopped developing at 15.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to take
away the guys destiny?
Thats why I'm doing
this, Barney, you know?
Id give anything if
everybody or any one of us
could get some destiny out of this.
I just wanna make sure youve
thought this thing through.
Youre the only level headed,
solid guy in the whole town.
Solid? Like a rock?
And thats why...
I'm hoping that... that you'll, uh,
produce this thing with me.
You know, be my co-producer, hmm?
Yeah, well, you know...
you have a way with people
that I just dont have.
I want you to be head
of public relations, too.
And co-producer?
- Thats two things.
- Yeah, I know.
If its not asking too much.
Okay, so, the funding.
Some of the town
actually had two grand.
Others got another credit card.
Moe-Ron got it out of their
pension from the factory.
Otis borrowed it from the reverend.
Uh, didn't tell him what
it was for, of course.
Otis claims he's a gay
reverend, by the way.
Me, Barn, Moose, and Some Idiot
simply did what we
hoped we'd never have to.
We hocked our fathers' watches.
Moose, his mother's pin.
Hi, Mom and Pop.
Look, about this new
thing I'm doing, uh...
I realize it might not fall
under how you raised me,
its just not all like you said.
You know, some of the
stuff you taught me,
its just not applicable.
You were wrong about
some stuff, Mom, Pop.
I dont know why I am the way I am,
but I have to get something going.
Thats gotta be most important.
Now, its business.
You know, America.
I love you.
I'm trying to be a good boy.
This could work out. I have a feeling.
It was time for our
first production meeting.
Oh, there you go!
Emmett was now a member of our team,
and we were very
encouraged by his ability.
We figured if he's this
good a third baseman,
he can't be a bad cameraman.
Emmett! Excellent! Excellent!
To the porno!
Porno! Porno!
Porno! Porno!
Hey, I'm sure you got
more important things
youd like to talk about,
but I cant stand it anymore.
Lets hear about the gals you
got lined up for the porno.
Yeehaw! Boy, thats what I wanna know.
Lets hear about the
gals we got in the porno.
Its all I can think about.
I cant even sleep anymore.
- You should see the bags under my eyes.
- Eye on the ball!
As the director, I'm very eager to
find out who my cast is going to be.
And as the writer, needless
to say, its a total advantage
to know who youre writing for.
Its going to help my script
immensely, so go ahead, Andy.
Hey, you got the gals to get hose-arinoed,
et cetera, in the porno, right?
Oh, please, Andy, stop teasing us.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Come on.
John, lets go.
Of course, Andys got the
gals lined up for the porno.
I mean, how would we have
a porno without gals, right?
Fellas, youre talking about casting...
casting, uh, you know, that takes place
during preproduction,
and were in preproduction now.
- Right, Emmett?
- Preproduction.
And, fellas, thats really
one of the main things
I wanted to talk to you about tonight.
Andy, to make a good porno film,
I'm gonna need some gals to get
boned and give head and stuff.
You need a script first.
How can you cast without a script?
Well, I'm working on that.
Excuse me,
isnt the role of the gal
getting futzed in unthinkable ways
go to whoever we can get to do it?
Am I wrong?
Fellas, we have money in
the budget to pay the actors,
or we offer them whats
called a piece of the backend.
Just like were each getting
you know, equal share of the profit
for our two grand,
in exchange for acting services
rendered, they get a share.
For a half-a-dozen
guys unloading on you
so you look like a melted candle today,
we will gladly pay you on Tuesday?
I dont know whos
gonna go for that one, A.
All right, this was
our first little hiccup.
So, well, we needed to get some gals.
Uh, Otis made a good point, though.
We probably could
cast without a script.
Hey, Helen, how you doing?
Hey, Some, how you guys doing?
You having trouble with the porno film?
Yes, a little casting trouble.
We just need some lovely ladies
with half your looks,
and wed be golden.
You want me to be in your porno film?
- Yeah.
- No.
I'm the writer/director.
I'm not gonna be in
your porno film, Some.
I would never do that. I
got better things to do.
Who knows, Helen?
It could be an opportunity
to make some real money.
Right now I'm waiting on
this really terrific guy.
He's gonna take me into the city,
and were gonna have a big time.
We might be going to
the Bahamas next week...
or the week after... He's taking me.
What time is he
supposed to pick you up?
Well, its pretty close to 10.
He said "ish. "
Mine! Mine! Mine!
I know some dishes who
would do it for me as a favor
"cause Ive done them a
few favors in the past,
if you know what I mean.
But, unfortunately,
theyre all out of town.
Well, some... Some are out of town.
Uh, one broke her leg.
And her back.
Um, shes in a full body cast,
so that wouldnt really work.
Well, not easily, anyway.
From the bar, we went back to my house,
which is also the production office.
I had this idea
that we should draw up a list
of the types of scenes we needed.
This way we'd know how
many cast members to get,
and what it is we'd
be asking them to do.
Can we do that?
See, there are some required
scenes in all pornos,
you know, scenes that,
well, you gotta have,
obviously, because,
well, they all have 'em.
Okay, that does it.
Now, we need at least one lesbo scene,
so thats two gals.
One gal masturbating with toys.
That could be one of the
gals from the lesbo scene.
- Right?
- Mmm.
At least one, uh...
You know, maybe itd be best
if it werent.
What do you mean, Some?
What is the lesbo scene gonna include?
A lot of donut bumping
and carpet munching, right?
So its gonna concentrate
a lot in the same area
as the gal-twiddling scene, isnt it?
If we use one of the
same gals from both,
then maybe wed...
Be tired of looking at her fruit cup.
Oh, all right. I hear you.
All right. See, this is good.
Were working together.
You know, lets keep this up.
Some, looking alive, buddy.
Thank you.
Youre walking and talking
like a real writer/director now.
Okay, lets keep going.
So, at least one
in-the-butt scene.
Preferably two, but one will do.
Its amazing how
popular in-the-butt is.
In porno.
Uh... okay, moving on.
One "black guys with dicks
thatd be big on elephants
with a little white girl" scene.
Where were gonna get the black guy,
I have no idea,
but... that about does it.
Uh, girl gobbling at least
three guys at once, Andy.
Oh, good. Thanks, man.
- Oh, whoa. Whoa.
- Good call.
"Gal giving multiple knob jobs
concurrently" scene.
Okay, here are the scenes.
We got lesbo,
a couple
white girl, black guys,
and blowing three.
- Good porno.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi, Floyd.
Moe-Ron, hi.
How ya doin"?
Hey, Thelma.
Oh. Oh.
So, um...
Billys worried now that
youve seen our place
that youre uncomfortable
about having him
spend the weekends with you.
Well, I see him on weekends.
You take him out to dinner on Friday,
and then a few hours
on Saturday and Sunday.
You know, he thought youd
be together on the weekends.
There are no sheets on his bed, Thel.
When you moved out,
you mustve taken them.
Theres just a stripped
bed in his room.
I didnt leave dirty sheets on the bed
when I packed up the room.
I'm sure that theyre
in the linen closet,
or I'll buy you some new sheets.
I have a linen closet?
Are there sheets for my
bed in there, you think?
Andy, Billy doesnt care about houses,
and he doesnt want you to care.
You know He's not even
that good at basketball.
He only plays it because you did.
Well, soon, I promise.
I'm just in the middle
of this thing right now,
the house is a mess with it,
but I need to go with this thing.
You know, this could
really be a good thing.
This... this could be it.
You know, I got a feeling.
Good luck, Andy.
My fingers are crossed
in double knots for you.
You look pretty, Thel.
This is Some Idiot's mother's house.
Some lives with his mom.
She's mostly deaf, by the way.
All right, so we've
skipped ahead a little here.
Just a little. We still had no cast.
We went to Some's for
an afternoon snack.
To his credit, he was taking
this thing pretty seriously.
Some was reading all
kinds of books on film,
and had a first draft
of the script for us.
- Example.
- Uh, not anything good.
"Page 44.
"Exterior. Top of train. Day.
"The train speeds through the city
"as Yvonne and Jizelle lay
on the top of the train,
eating out each others honey pots. "
First of all, well,
thats a very nice scene.
We dont have any women yet,
let alone two to yodel each other
on the top of a moving train.
And then, here, reaction shots
from people in skyscrapers
as they peer and gawk out their windows
at the passing train.
You know, again, terrific,
but where is this?
Were gonna build a city
for the train to pass through
thats surrounded by skyscrapers?
What, are we gonna fly somewhere?
And then here. This is my favorite.
99. "Interior. Office. Day.
"Boris gives it to Bianca in the butt
as she defuses the bomb. "
I mean, you know, a bomb?
Some Idiot, tell your friends
to stop talking so much.
How can they eat?
Everybodys good, Ma.
Dont worry about it.
Its an important meeting here, Mom.
This is delicious, Mrs. Cherkiss.
Hows your son, Andy?
Does he like being rich?
Oh, yeah.
I hear He's got a basketball
court in his room. Is that right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great.
Some, I dont know.
Uh, I mean personally,
I think Bianca, you know,
she might be a little distracted
if Boris visits her back porch
while shes diffusing the bomb.
And its kind of irresponsible
of them, you know?
So many people die
if the bomb goes off!
Some, we dont know what were doing!
I mean, really, Some.
Even I could keep my
hands off some hot dolly
if she was busy diffusing a bomb,
at least for a few minutes.
I really think Boris
should show some restraint.
Andy, Orson Welles said,
"The absence of limitation
is the enemy of art. "
I'm sorry, but whats the point
of letting me write the script
if youre not gonna
let me do what I do?
We dont know what were doing, Some!
Weve got to keep it simple!
Otherwise, were never
going to make this porn!
Andy, first off,
lesbians are not going
to be hard to find.
Read a magazine. Theyre
growing on trees these days.
We couldnt film a kiss today.
Who wants Jell-o?
You know that scene
where the helicopter lowers the ladder
and Congresswoman Pennedy
and her black bodyguard Leroy,
they grab on, theyre swooped away
just in the nick of time?
She proceeds to blow him on the ladder
while theyre swung around the sky?
That scene is covered by our budget?
Thats not my...
Its got cut-up fruit in it.
Some, this thing is 190 pages.
You got to figure
that a porno is like an action film.
Who needs "The car blows up.
"A huge red fireball engulfs the area,
"sending flaming pieces
"of burning metal through the air.
People flee," et cetera, et cetera?
Pears and apples.
"The car blows up.
The gal blows the guy" will do.
We get it.
Nine, ten pages, no more.
Uh, Mrs. Cherkiss, you
dont have to serve us.
Join us here.
- Okay, honey.
- I have to go.
Thats it, right there.
Lets see here.
Thank you.
Okay, Ive been sitting
on this all night,
waiting for the right moment.
I saved the day.
Finally got us some gals.
- At least one for sure.
- What?
Ive been wracking my brain.
These are modern times.
There must be some gals around here
who would like to do some porn.
The opportunity has
simply not lent itself.
And then it hit me.
I got embarrassed, its so obvious.
Who is it?
Whos the sure thing? Tell us.
The gal at the bed store.
- Hey!
- Shes hot!
Right? Come on.
- Yeah, I like her.
- Oh!
How did you... When did you ask her?
Havent yet. We got to do that.
Then she didnt say shed do it.
- Barney, she works in a bed store.
- Yeah?
A gal who works in a bed store,
you know she likes to what?
Earn a living?
Go to bed, A.K.A. Lie down,
A.K.A. Scrump.
I do? I know that? Since
when do I know that?
Why else would she work at a bed store?
Again, I mention salary.
- Maybe she likes to sleep.
- Yeah, she probably loves both,
but were only concerned with
the "her loving to scrump" part.
I dont think youre right.
No, I'm positive.
Were all missing this?
Four idiots doubting
something makes it untrue?
She works at a bed store.
Scrumping's her middle name.
Vegetarians dont sell hot dogs!
Emmett, I ask you something. I
tell you a gal works in a bed store.
- What do you know for sure?
- Loves to scrump.
Shes in.
Are you serious?
We have our first cast member?
Now we were really off and running.
Otis, way to go!
I cannot believe it! This is fantastic!
You told her everything?
Oh, yeah, she'll do it in the butt,
off helicopters, with toys, anything.
She works in a bed store,
so naturally she loves scrumping.
I cannot believe it!
You just asked her,
and now we have our first cast member.
Andy, I wasnt kidding when I said
I was looking forward to this porno.
And let this be a lesson to all of us.
In life, nothing
ventured, nothing gained.
Unfortunately, a little problem came
from Otis' success.
It encouraged Some.
The next day, he
called me all revved up
and insisted I meet him right away.
He's got us another actress.
Charlene Pike. Works here full time.
Shes 20, I'm telling you.
She looks 16.
But shes 20. Five days ago.
I know it for a fact. I
remember when she was born.
You told her everything, in detail,
about what shed be doing?
I swear to God, Andy,
tell her yourself.
According to Some,
Charlene wanted to
do our porno... a lot.
I'm not comfortable with
this. It feels wrong.
I dont think wed be
doing the right thing.
Free country, Andy. If
she wants to... Shes 20.
Were not twisting her arm
or telling her lies
to get her to do it,
and we need her.
What about Ernest G.?
Hed actually kill us in a second.
The only really
dangerous screwed-up guy
that's ever lived around
here is this guy Ernest G...
Ernest G. Pike, Charlene's big brother.
Ernest G.'s somewhere where
he gets very little news
and where they dont allow killing.
He's doing time upstate
for a bunch of robberies.
He wont be away forever.
What about when he gets out?
Well, its not today.
Thats all we have to worry about.
I've been to the movies before.
I assume you have, too, so we both know
this guy is popping up here soon.
I just feel better
coming clean with it now
rather than treating you
like a bunch of idiots who didn't know.
When the day does
come, if he finds out,
well be rich enough to hire bodyguards
or someone to rough him up, whatever.
I cant worry about the
distant future, Andy,
not when theres a
piece of good fortune
available to us right now.
Just talk to her.
Has Some, uh, told you, uh...
what... youd be doing?
- Why would you want to do this?
Ever worked at the Softy Freeze, Andy?
No. No, they... they wouldnt hire me.
Andy, why the hell do you
live in Butterface Fields?
Are you crazy?
I mean, why would anybody do that,
let alone want to do that?
Do you want to see my list
of opportunities that have come my way?
Andy, I'm just seizing any openings
because I dont know what else to do.
I mean, Ive had sex before.
Its so boring around here,
Ive actually had a lot of it.
Ive even gone to a lot of trouble
just to try and keep
the sex interesting,
you know, just to compensate
for the quality of life around here,
which is so boring
that I keep myself busy by having sex.
And, well, youre paying,
so that makes it the best
offer that Ive had today.
And then theres also the unknown.
So... yeah.
Count me in.
So we're off and running.
Good ol' Moe-Ron really
came through for us.
They got us... are you ready?
Three black guys, no problem.
How about that? Yeah, I said three.
I've seen as many as a busload
in these "big black guys with
a little white girl" scenes,
but, you know, three
is... is respectable.
They live here in Butterface Fields.
Moe-Ron, they work with
them at the factory.
Now smile.
I went down to the factory.
Gave them the whole story.
They couldn't have been more game.
Thought it sounded like fun.
So anyway, here we are.
They're nice fellas.
Uh, oh, you're wondering
how we got to film at the Softy Freeze?
This is Roy, the manager.
He gets to stay and watch.
He even threw in free snacks.
We're pretty good filmmakers, huh?
We had already gotten a
couple of normal scenes,
and we're about ready
to do our first, uh...
Sex scene 1, take 1. scene.
If I could have everyones
attention, please?
Quiet on the set!
One voice, please!
- Thank you.
- No, I got to go.
Were about to shoot the porno.
Thank you.
Were almost ready for our first take.
I'm going to speak with my actors now.
Hello, actors.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Charlene, youre a
Softy Freeze employee.
All I need from you
is to just be yourself.
And on this night, youre working late.
These guys are the cleanup crew.
Theres no one here but you and them.
Now, were picking up the scene
after youve seduced them
by bending over and picking
things up off the floor
in your short little
Softy Freeze skirt.
Weve established that
sex is going to be had.
Were going to lose
the towels and robes,
and on "action", you three guys
are going to ravage
the hell out of Charlene
on the Softy Freeze counter.
As we discussed, lets
really go to town here.
Its a big night for you guys.
Normally its just moppin",
but tonight its boffin'.
Art imitating life here?
No acting required, all right?
- Excuse me.
- Thanks.
Are there any questions?
Okay, lets lose the robe and towels.
Excuse me, Some,
maybe we should give
them a little privacy.
And, were going to
end up seeing it anyway.
Were filming it.
But that... thats kind of different,
you know, removed.
Were standing here.
It doesnt seem right.
I agree with Andy.
Seems right to me. Why do this, then?
How do we make a film without looking?
Lets just do the best we can, hmm?
Everybody turn around.
So lets lose the robe and towels.
Are they off?
Uh, uh, uh, eh, Some,
you better have a look at this.
Cut. Cut.
Those are your penises?
Andy, I cant work with these.
Did all your parents work in the
same nuclear plant or something?
All right, lets... lets take a break.
Uh, fellas.
This is bullshit.
Oh, I dont know.
Theres something wrong
with the black guys"
penises or something.
This is the "young little white
girl with the big black guys" scene.
None of you are bouncers.
Two of you arent over 5"6".
What did you think I meant by "big"?
Lesson number 1
when making a film.
no one gets a part without
dropping their pants.
Ah, you live and you learn.
This... This was bad.
We lost Charlene.
Her family had a vacation
to Florida booked.
Her grandma's down there.
All we had was Ellie
from the bed store,
and with only one actress,
it was going to be very hard
to come up with enough
sex for a full-length film.
And then there's the guys, you know?
We had no guys.
Important meeting. Okay.
So we definitely didn't want to waste
the momentum we had going here.
Brainstorming time.
Here's what came out of the meeting.
We decided that we would
each go our own separate ways
and come back with
actresses for our film.
Divide and conquer.
It was up to the individual
to forge his own path
and design a way we'd
emerge victorious.
Moose had an interesting idea.
Girls, please.
I have a very exciting opportunity
that I'm very happy to be
able to offer you today.
Peggy was in Playboy,
like, uh, 15 years ago.
It was just one little picture
in the "Girls of Figure Skating" issue.
Peggy wasn't a figure skater,
but, uh, you know, had a nice figure
and was in charge
of the rental skates at the rink,
so good enough as far
as Playboy was concerned.
Uh, the plus side.
she worked before with her clothes off.
We all agreed Some
should take this time
to rewrite the script.
Ma! I'm hungry, please!
Barney had other plans for the day.
Most of their lives
they've known each other.
Barn's never stopped trying.
You are such a jerk.
You think this outfit
makes me look cheap?
Dont you own a mirror?
- I'm serious.
- Me, too.
Look, Helen,
I happen to have the solution for you.
Now, this is excellent advice.
Ive always kind of
dabbled in PR, and this...
Barney, you are nothing but a
lousy refrigerator repairman.
I'm acquainted with my own profession.
But just listen to this
campaign Ive put together
to improve your image.
Right now, the way
you present yourself,
youve taken away all the many aspects
that comprise a human being
as their right of birth,
and youve reduced
yourself to only one aspect:
Now, me? I'm just a guy.
A poor schnook, a repairman.
Yeah, of nothing but refrigerators.
Otis had an interesting idea as well.
We're a stew of quite
a mlange of flavors,
uh, wouldn't you say?
"Mlange" means "mixture", by the way.
Uh, I should have just said "mixture".
Getting a little
carried away here. Sorry.
Well, hi to you, honey.
I used to choke my
Chattanooga choo-choo
to you at least once a day.
Some days not just twice.
Oh, a sweet talker, huh?
You babysitted me.
You were a friend of my sisters.
Youre Vera Bracey.
Youre little Otis?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
You were so cute!
Oh, hey, Andy.
What can I do for you?
Oh, uh... aspirin, Ill
take some of that aspirin.
Here you go. Got a headache?
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
Uh, I knew you sell it here.
I'm out at home.
You got something on your mind?
My mind? No, no. Why?
"Cause most people dont
stop by the ball field
to pick up their aspirin.
Life is about new experiences.
And you got a peach
of a pair, by the way.
I'm not knocking your knockers.
And I know youre more
than just babaloos.
But how do we get
everyone else to know that?
Heres how that could happen.
Heres how that would happen.
You start doing me.
This is excellent advice.
Youd want to see me
bent over the sofa
taking it up the a...
So, Peggy, a funny thing,
but, uh, I was, uh, getting my hair cut
the other day at the barber shop.
I was waiting my turn
and, uh, browsing
the magazines they offer there,
and, well, they offer quite a few,
uh, and they happened
to have Playboy there.
You know, its a barber
shop. A lot of men come there,
so I guess they figure
that men might like to
glance at the Playboy
- while waiting to have their hair cut.
- Right.
And I was reminded
that, uh, you were once in Playboy.
Believe I heard...
heard that somewhere.
And I was, you know,
just wondering, uh...
what was that like?
Don't stop me
So nice to see you.
Don't stop me
About time they got
rid of shaking hands.
Do you mind?
Do I mind if you rub my dick?
No, it saves me the trouble.
I'm trying to think of the last time
I was asked a question that stupid.
Girls, please!
Look, we wont mention it again!
Forget I brought it up!
- Go away!
- What porno?
Floyd, could I please
get another cherry soda?
Then they find out we are doing it,
and it changes everything.
They realize youre not
some "dime a dozen" bimbo.
If you were, you wouldnt be with me.
You must be a person of great worth.
Now, all we got to do
to make this happen is,
I move in to your place,
and we start having sex all the time.
Constant sex is important.
Then, who knows?
It was years before anybody
looked at me the same.
I think, you know, they thought
I was some wild thing
who loved to take her clothes off
instead of just some struggling
young woman who had been
held up at gunpoint that month
and couldnt pay her rent.
Well, luckily, then, that
was, you know, a long time ago,
a distant memory, and you certainly
wont ever have to do
anything like that again.
You certainly have
a great-looking kid.
If youre looking for
a way to ask me out,
you dont have to work so hard.
- Oh, no?
- No.
Clearly, I lacked the necessary tools
to be a successful pornographer.
I'm sorry, I let you all down.
No, you didnt, Andy.
No, you tried your best, Andy.
We all did.
Just a bad day for all of us.
An especially bad day for my hair.
Fellas, V. V, fellas.
Shes ready to porno.
To V!
Heres to V.
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Okay, remember Homer
and the other black guys
who were supposed to be
in that "big black guys
with the little white girl "scene?
Well, none of them,
or Charlene got the
other half of their money,
because they ended
up not doing the job.
Well, Homer and his
friends have decided
that they're owed the other half.
They feel real strongly about it.
So I get a call from Homer.
He wants to talk this over
man-to-man here at Meyer's.
We feel were owed the money,
if for nothing else, because
of the way you treated us.
Things, well...
they may have gotten
a little out of hand.
We werent as kind as
we should have been,
and so I apologize.
Id be happy to get the
other guys, too, Homer,
but what I dont
think you realize is...
we got nothing for the
3,000 we already gave you.
Now you want us to give you
another three for more nothing,
plus Charlenes thou?
You know, thats a third of our
budget flushed down the toilet.
Well, thats not our problem, is it?
No. No, thats our problem,
and thats why we cant do as you ask.
You said 2,000 a man.
Yeah, half for showing up,
half for doing the job.
But you didnt give us
a chance to do the job.
No, you couldnt do the job.
You know, the job was to...
you know, have sex with
Charlene utilizing a...
lets call it proper porno penis.
And, Homer, I was real
clear with you guys
when I went over the deal with...
You just assumed we had big dicks.
Thats right.
Because were black.
What do we know about penis?
That, coupled with the
fact that you never told us
you had improper porno penises,
- when we told what we needed...
- No, no, no.
What you wanted to do
was to humiliate us.
We went to all that trouble to
humiliate you? Spent all of that money?
Homer, I'm in big trouble
without that scene.
I have never in my life had any extra
to spend on humiliating people.
Are the white guys who do
your movie getting humiliated?
What does that mean?
A funny penis is a funny penis,
regardless of race, creed, or religion.
Then why did it have to be black guys?
It was a "black guys
with a white girl" scene.
Could I have another
hunk of pie, please?
You know, this is my first porno.
I'm not a pornographer,
I'm just a schnook looking to score.
I'm not a president of the
film board whos decreed
that every porno's got to have
some tiny little white girl
experiencing whopping black baloney.
But why do I have to
make the omelet with eggs?
You know, what do we know?
Were trying to make a porno.
Youre trying to turn
this into a black thing.
Why are you doing that?
Well, isnt it?
Homer, I'm never...
I... I dont have time to be a racist.
I dont do, okay? I try.
And I'm trying to make a porno,
because its something I
think I might be able to do,
because its killing me
I havent done anything.
You know, people who
do, they have extra time,
not us trying people.
Were busy trying all the time.
Nothing takes up more time than trying.
- We wanted to try.
- Yeah, but you couldnt do!
Not without porno penis!
Do you think, if I could do anything,
I would pick, "make a porno"?
I cant afford the goddamn good ball!
Look, you hired three black men
to do a job that you had
to have three black men for.
But you didnt pay them in full,
and you are sitting here saying
to me that it isnt a black thing.
Black penis thing!
Black penis! Black penis!
Then why does it have
to be three black men?
Because they are the ones
with the black penises.
Fuck you.
Come on.
All right, I admit it.
Were prejudiced against small penises
I will not do it.
Give me a sec, would you?
Oh, hey, how ya doin", Barney?
Youre crying.
I am not.
Yes, you are. Why are you crying?
I am not crying.
Helen, not again.
God. Leave me alone, Barney.
Helen, every week you
find some terrific new guy
to let crap all over you.
Theres a lot of guys that
need to take a crap, Helen.
Why dont you have a little
more respect for yourself?
You might as well do our porno.
Were paying, and it beats
the choices youve been making.
Yeah, youd like that, wouldnt you?
What? No.
I may as well because
I... I need the money.
Maybe I ought to.
Get your camera! Lets go!
I said no.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
You know, I wish I
had more for you to...
I dont care.
Its just that youre my kid,
so I care about all
kinds of nutty stuff.
Its a pain in the ass.
So, I was with Billy,
and I found out later what Helen did.
Ma, you need anything, holler.
This being spur of the moment and all,
Some didn't want to give Hel
a chance to change her mind,
so he made the executive decision
to have Hel do the "gal
masturbating with toys" scene.
There's something that I want to say
But words sometimes get in the way
I just want to...
Eventually, we all realized
that this was going to have
to be a work in progress.
What we had here was a film concept.
Here's what it is.
We're in a small town...
Let me get this right, now.
The film, it's seen through
the eyes of our lead character,
but we never see our
lead character, see?
This guy who lives in this small town,
he goes through his day and
he bumps into a lot of sex.
Here, the guy stops
by to visit his friend,
played by Helen.
He peers through the window,
and catches her, uh, playing.
We didn't make this porno
to turn our friends into porn stars.
That was never the idea.
I wasn't happy about this.
Some was under strict instructions
never to operate alone.
Uh, we needed that scene, though,
and, well, now we had it.
Our porno film had sex in it.
For almost a day.
Then when Some told me about it,
the first thing I did, of course,
was to call Barney to see if he knew.
He told me he did and
that he didn't care,
Helen's business is Helen's business.
You all right?
Yeah. But, uh...
I gotta have the film of Helen, Andy.
I'm sorry, I really am.
I know we need it, but... I love her.
So, uh, whatever you paid her,
you can take it out of my end,
if there is a "my end".
And if I need to owe you, Ill owe you.
Thanks. ILL see you tomorrow.
I was starting to doubt if
we were any good filmmakers.
We'd spent over half our budget
and had nothing to show for it.
But, still, I believed in us,
and I had this feeling
that we could do this.
It was just time to
get angry, try harder.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Had to drive this baby home.
Okay, we wanted to use not
only Ellie from the bed store,
but the bed store itself in the porno.
We wanted Ellie to do a lesbo scene,
and we were hoping
that she could supply
a partner to do it with.
There was always V,
but we were using her
for a number of other things.
Anyway, it was up to me,
and that's the only way
I'd have it this time.
This time, I wanted to go in,
and there was only one
way I was coming out.
May I help you?
Oh, I'm Andy Sargentee.
We havent met yet.
I'm the producer on the film
that my friend Otis spoke to you about.
I, uh, I just wanted to, uh,
talk to you about it and...
Its really nice to
meet you. I'm Ellie.
Wow. Its so great that you stopped by
"cause I was gonna call you.
I had an idea.
I was wondering if maybe I could do...
a... lesbian scene?
That would be my preference.
I think... I think... Yeah.
And, um, I had another thought.
This place would make such a great set
for a porno film...
with all the beds and all.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
To be honest, the only
reason I work here is "cause
I love sex so much. Duh.
Anyway, the only catch is,
if youre interested in using it,
I spoke to the owner,
shes recently divorced,
and she won the store
in her settlement,
and shes fine with you using it.
We could shoot it on Sunday.
The store is closed.
She... she would have to be
my partner in that scene.
Look, there she is now.
The highs and lows
come too close together
in this business.
I'll bet the lows last longer.
Her name was Veronica.
And right now, all I cared about
was that fantastic,
"nothing beats it" feeling
you get when something works out.
Otis, no guts, no glory.
We shot the scene on Sunday.
Our lead, who you never see,
goes to buy a new bed.
The sales gal is already
busy with a customer
when he gets there.
Ellie plays the sales
gal, Veronica the customer.
Our new favorite thing,
all of ours, lesbians.
We love lesbians.
We're having the buttons and t-shirts
made up right now.
Ellie and Veronica were great.
You could've turned on the
camera and gone to lunch.
They knew how to make and
keep a scene interesting.
I don't know, they're
naturals or something.
I mean, they'd just do something...
I don't know how they came up with it,
it's anybody's guess.
You know, Some would go,
"Yeah, more of that. "
Boy, did we get more of that.
We love lesbians.
We were in trouble again.
Highs and lows, remember?
Ridiculously close together?
It was time for a scene with V,
and we had no guys.
This sucks. God damn it.
This shouldnt be hard!
Hey, who wants to get laid?
Somethings not right with the world.
Boy, the stars are out of place.
You know, thats why
the weathers so weird.
You know, when I think of all the gals
whod happily do this for me, you know,
"cause they feel like they owe me,
if you catch my drift.
And in a freaky fluke,
theyre all away in China
or Africa, you know,
places without phones.
Ask for guys. Wow.
Moose, this is serious.
We dont have time for your stuff.
Okay? Just shut up. Youre a homo.
So dont with that crap, not now.
A homo?
A homo?
What are you, nuts?
Me, a homo?
He's kidding, Moose.
Well, thats a laugh.
You know, boy is that a laugh.
Yeah, it sure is. Good one, Otis.
Stop! Stop! We dont
have time for this!
We got to keep our eye on the ball
and drive this home, God damn it.
Youre a homo. Period. The end. There.
Now we dont have to do that anymore.
- Otis, dont.
- Look, thats okay.
Youre upset, Otis. I understand that.
Look, Ill, uh, Ill call some...
some, uh, ladies I know, you know.
Some other ones, you know,
the ones that are not
away or... or sick.
Thanks. That would be great.
Doesnt change the
fact that youre a homo.
I am not gay!
Then youre a spy deep
undercover. Only other possibility.
- Look, I am straight!
- I'm rich and bright.
Moose, if you dont know youre gay,
allow me to introduce you to yourself.
Moose, this is you: Ass master.
Anything else about yourself youre
oblivious to that I can help you with?
Your hair is brown. You wear glasses.
Why would you think that?
Do... Do you know how
many women Ive had?
If I had money, all
of it would be on none.
Moose, Moose, Moose, look.
Beer bottle.
Red apple.
Andy, Ill do the scene with V.
- No!
- Moose.
I insist. Look, we need an
actor for tomorrows scene.
Its nothing I havent done before.
For the good of the
film, I will save the day.
I wont take no for an answer, Andy.
Oh, Otis.
- Wait...
- Moose.
We came up for this character for V.
Uh, she plays this lovable, bit
older member of the community
who's like everybody's favorite aunt.
you know, always feeding you and stuff.
Uh, only that's just a facade.
She's really a hot and sexy sexpot,
and, uh, we call her Aunt V.
Were rolling.
Okay, and action.
I... did say action, right?
Okay, good. Just making sure.
V, how are we doing?
Nothings happening.
Do you want me to do something?
Do you want some help, honey?
No. No.
Just give me a moment.
Sure, Moose, sure.
Look, the cameras are
rolling whenever youre ready.
Uh, theres an acting
technique called substitution.
Just mentioning.
Youre the cameraman, so
you have to take a look.
Moose, V,
Emmetts the cameraman.
He's just going to
take a quick look, okay?
Come on. Gee...
He's... He's not just making slow,
passionate, quiet love, by any chance?
Oh, no. No.
This definitely isnt a action porno.
Lets just leave him alone
in there for a few minutes.
Thats probably what
Liberaces dad said:
"Leave him alone with a naked
porno babe for a few minutes. "
I have something I have to tell you.
I'm gay.
Oh, we dont care at
all, you know, Moose?
Yeah, Moose, whatever you like.
I was the one who told you.
The hell with gay.
Youre terribly forgetful.
But it makes me different
from the rest of you.
You know, youre all heterosexuals.
Yeah, but...
horrible ones.
Yeah. Were not any good at it.
I'm glad youre gay. If by
some miracle I get a gal,
youre one guy I wont have
to worry about stealing her.
Will we still watch games together?
Now well get to watch games together.
You wont be saying clich
male shit all the time.
- Its gonna be great.
- But now I'm the gay guy.
You were always the gay guy, Moose,
just like I'm the
good-Looking guy, huh?
Look, none of us are prizes.
Gay doesnt even rank.
Yeah, gays a good day for us.
So I'm still part of the gang?
Part of the gang?
Moose, youre our friend. We...
We cherish you, buddy.
Of course were not
very discriminating.
Idiots, screw-ups, homos.
Well be friends with anybody.
However, we had no guys for our porno.
We were sex-deficient
and fresh out of ideas.
- Guys.
- Guys.
We know youre in a jam.
Ron and me, we want to help.
Yeah, Moe and me want to help.
Well do the scene for you.
Weve double-teamed lots of gals.
Moe-Ron, you double-team
lots of gals, do you?
Yeah. We like to all
the time, actually.
Yeah, well do the Aunt
V scene. No problem.
Would you boys like some pie?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha! I love it, I love it!
Put them in place!
Come back here.
I say Moe, you say Ron.
Moe! Ron!
- Moe!
- Ron!
- Moe!
- Ron!
Its a wrap!
We got it all. It was amazing.
Where did you get those weenies?
Our film has a great lesbo scene.
We do not have a "white
girl with black guys" scene.
We gave up our "gal going
to town with toys" scene.
Uh, but, thanks to good old Moe-Ron,
we got our gal
piccolo-playing two guys,
and we got our, uh, anal.
That's what Aunt V calls it. Nice lady.
So what have we got? We got a porno.
We were out of money.
If we needed more, we
weren't going to get it,
so we began editing.
There you go.
We even had the premiere planned.
Hi, Andy.
Oh, hey, Hel.
Emmett, Some Idiot.
Some's asleep.
Oh. Well, what do I know?
I'm just a porn actress.
Um, I saw the light on.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, I got the, uh...
invitation to the, uh, premiere.
But, uh, look, I hope you get
from this thing what you want,
and for everybody,
but I, uh, I...
Youre not in the film.
You know, me and Emmett and Some did...
Yeah, I know, and Barney,
he came and got it...
you know, the footage.
What do you mean?
Well, Barney, uh...
he wouldnt let you
be in the porno, Hel.
You know, we gave him the,
uh, the print. All of it.
There are no other copies,
and, yeah, Some and Emmett were there,
but otherwise no ones seen it.
Oh. Right. Right.
Youre telling me Barneys
not having a look at it?
He burned it.
As soon as we gave it to him,
he... he put it in the fireplace.
Hel, I know Barney aint no poet,
but... you cant possibly not know.
I mean, uh, you know,
if the guy drank poison,
it couldnt be more obvious.
He's in love with you.
Come on, He's sick in love with you,
from the first day he
saw you right up to now.
Oh! Aunt V, look at you!
We had a really good turnout.
Uh, Barney had to miss the premiere.
I'll tell you why later...
or show you.
The stars. So, look at you girls.
Lovely. Hope you enjoy your scene.
- Hey.
- Ah.
Thanks, Andy. Thanks.
Oh, my pleasure. I didnt
know if you wanted to come.
I was going to, uh, call you...
No, no, no. I dont
mean for the invitation.
I mean, um, that day...
the day that you came to the
ball field for your aspirin,
you were going to ask me to
be in your film, werent you?
Yeah, I think I was. Yeah.
Well, youre a nice man, Andy.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very, very much for coming.
Uh, I dont know what to say. Uh...
Well, we really couldnt
have done it without you.
We couldnt have done it without you!
Thats right, Andy!
Uh, I'm a man of few words,
and its not me youre
here to see a lot of,
so roll "em!
Remember Ernest G. Pike,
Charlene's brother?
As promised.
The film came out okay.
These are friends, but everybody,
you know, seemed to enjoy it.
What's Ern's first stop?
Floyd's, which is reasonable.
It's the closest bar. It's
where he'd find people he knew.
Even his sister might be found here.
Speaking of Ern's sister,
it turns out we were able to
use some of Charlene's stuff
as sort of the tease
Hey, the hat was my idea!
We used her getting
the guys all interested.
You know, they're, uh,
just about to have sex,
and then we cut away, you know,
don't give you the sex,
drive you a little crazy, you see,
and then, uh, and then in other scenes,
you get it all, uh, you know,
but you're never sure
you're going to get it, see?
Uh, tension, you know,
worked pretty good.
As you see, peering plays a
very big role in all my films.
I can't remember if Ernest has
always had impeccable timing.
Where the hell...
He did indeed find his sister here.
Ernest! Ern, its me... Moose.
Ern! Wait, dont take it out on me!
Listen, Ern... Uhh!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
The police came and apprehended Ernest.
We had shot our porno on
reversal stock, no negative,
so there was only one
copy... you know, print.
It was destroyed, every frame.
Some Idiot lost his arm.
Some, Some, Some, Some, Some,
You are some idiot, Some Idiot.
I'm so sorry, Some.
Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
Your arm.
Your arm.
I wanted you to get
something, not lose anything.
I'm sorry.
Andy, its okay.
How are you feeling, huh?
It was fun.
Thanks for letting me
be the writer/director.
Nobody else would have.
You did a really good job.
I did, right?
You were great. Youre
a writer/director now.
First class, huh?
And you cant become a
first class writer/director
without a little sacrifice.
Hey, its not the one, uh, that you...
No. I still got that one.
- Well, thank God. Whew.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, then.
Once I took a road trip.
Uh, my destination was Vermont.
Well, I ended up in Florida...
a couple of wrong or right turns,
depending how you look at it.
Whoa. Whoa.
Here's where you get.
You failed enough. Time not to fail.
I'm talking about
something so much more
than determination or
positive thinking here.
Failure really just won't do,
so you see to it that you don't.
It's possible, swear,
but you've got to get there,
and it's a miserable trip,
but no matter how it's supposed to go,
what the rules were yesterday, what
everyone thinks... thinks they know,
you know, none of that matters.
You have a job to do. Today you do it.
You... You were always filming
with th-those... those
little... those little tapes
that you gave to Barney, right?
That he burned up with
the footage of Helen.
Yeah, the... the Mini DV tapes.
Yeah, I get them for,
like, 50 cents apiece,
so I just shot video nonstop.
I was going to give
you the tapes when we...
So you have all that stuff?
Yeah, all the way back to when
you hit everybody up for money.
You... You were always filming.
You have everything, then.
Yeah. On video, yeah.
I have all the tapes and
everything from the set.
So... So we can put
together a new film.
On video, yeah.
And we could edit it on my
Mac, but itd just be another...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Didnt you tell me one time something
about being able to, you know,
turn videos into film or something?
A transfer, yeah, yeah.
But, I mean, that would
cost, like, 50 grand
to bump all this up to 35 mm.
16 might be less.
All right, all right, all right.
Regular movies are
35. It costs 50 grand.
Are you with me for one last thing?
Start editing. Hmm?
Any sex, take it out.
Any nudity, take it out.
You can leave in the butts,
but I dont want to
see a hint of nipple.
- Do you understand me?
- Yeah.
I asked Howard for the 50
grand, and he gave it to me.
Good guy.
Round, round, get around
I get around, yeah, get around
And at that moment,
I took the word "porno" away
from the front of our film
and was left with just a film,
a movie with all the stuff... love,
friendship, violence, real life.
Real life. Hey, it beats porno.
There'd be no contest if
real life had more sex in it.
Anyway, Emmett and I,
we edited our new movie
in his apartment in the
back of the video store,
put in all kinds of new stuff.
He'd been taping the town
and all of us for a long time.
So then we had it transferred to 35 mm,
put in just the right amount of,
uh, what's called, uh, voiceover...
you know, me talking.
You know, I bet you anything
you look through history,
the best stuff didn't come from
guys knowing what they were doing.
It came from guys who really tried hard
and cared like hell.
So then we had a movie
with a great title...
and more than one print.
Okay, and we jump ahead
now six months or so.
Here I am walking down the street.
So then Emmett knew about
these, uh, film carnivals.
They're kind of like, you
know, movie Mardi Gras,
uh, only not quite as many women
will show you their babaloos.
Anyway, our movie won one.
Ha ha ha ha!
They tell me a big one.
We made this movie with
the help of friends.
Its, uh, its really all it took...
and an arm.
Uh, we learned two
things, and I mean learned:
Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
and no guts, no glory.
Uh, you know, I mean,
dont be an idiot about it,
but, uh, yeah.
Happy to pass that on to you.
One of the reasons people
go to these carnivals
is to buy movies.
Our movie got bought for $2.4 million.
I'm told that's a very good price.
Who the hell are you, Santa Claus?
What, all fat white
guys are Santa Claus?
For purple mountains" majesty
When we got back from the
film carnival with the 2.4 mil,
yeah, there was a party.
Everybody was really happy.
America, America
The movie opened this weekend
in what they call a limited release,
but this guy from the studio said
it had a very high, uh,
per-screen average or something.
The genius part is... heh...
we still have a piece...
a piece at the back end, a big piece.
I did good.
Thanks for the car, man!
Thank you!
Oh. Here.
This you've really got to see.
Otis stuck with porno.
He's also the most
obviously happy person
you've ever met in your life.
When I found out Emmett had been living
right on Main Street all that time
without any of us knowing
him, it really broke my heart.
It was time he take his
proper place in the community.
Oh, yeah. I, uh, promised
to tell or show you
why Barney wasn't at the premiere.
He and Helen were out of
town. They eloped. Nice, huh?
Yeah, I wanted to save it for the end,
just in case one or two of
you didn't figure it out.
Moose is also very happy these days.
Ive been having so much fun.
Okay, let's see. What
else do you need to know?
Uh, Some is an up-and-coming
writer director in Hollywood.
Everyone knows who he is.
He's the writer director with one arm.
Hi, honey. It's Peggy.
I'm looking for a producer.
I'm hoping you can
produce me a foot massage.
Uh, I'm leaving the ball
field. Do you need anything?
Peanuts, hot dog, some aspirin?
I love you, honey. I'll see you soon.
I just got back from L.A.
Hi. This is Mark
Miller from the studio.
Look, we love it. We love
you. We don't say that often.
We'd love to do something together.
Listen to me. I've never
said the word "love" this much
to someone who isn't 21 with...
Ha ha.
I always knew.
Thanks, Thel.
... big tits. Call me, brother.
Dad, just saw the movie
with all my friends.
It was great. They can't
believe you're my dad.
People keep calling.
Everybody thinks
you're really hot shit.
Congratulations. I love you, Dad.
I'll see you tonight, right?
I hope so. Bye, Dad.
Dad, just saw the movie
with all my friends.
It was great. They can't
believe you're my dad.
People keep calling.
Everybody thinks
you're really hot shit.
Congratulations. I love you, Dad.
I'll see you tonight, right?
I hope so. Bye, Dad.
...lations. I love you, Dad.
I'll see you tonight, right?
I hope so.
I love you, Dad.
The end. We hope you liked our film.
If I could, I'd say these words
I am a good man
If I could, I'd make it heard
I am a good man
A good man commits
A good man doesn't spit
A good man opens every door
A good man
Don't make out with whores
Someday I'm gonna say these words
I am a good man
Someday I'm gonna make it heard
I am a good man
A good man's for real
A good man can feel
A good man don't put
his fist through walls
A good man
Don't stay down when he falls
Haunted by my youth
Suffocated truth
A piece of me has to die
Before I find the strength to fly
Yeah, I'm gonna say these words
I am a good man
And I'm gonna make it heard
I am a good man
I am a good man
I am a loaded gun
I am my father's son
Always on the run
Searchin' for the one
And embracing none
I am a good man
I am a good man
I am a good man