The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (2008) Movie Script
It's the most wonderful time
of the year
With the kids jingle-belling
And everyone telling you
be of good cheer
It's the most wonderful time
of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings
And gay, happy meetings
when friends come to call
It's the hap-happiest season of all
There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And carolling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
of Christmases long, long ago
All right, kiddo.
I'm ready when you are.
OK.
To Santa Claus from Brian Cullen,
regarding presents.
Dear Santa, I am fine.
I hope you are well.
This year I'd like a Rocketwheel.
Personal regards, Brian Cullen.
Very professional.
What's a Rocketwheel?
Um, it's like only one of
the coolest bikes in the world.
It makes all sorts of noises,
its wheels light up and...
OK, OK, OK. Jump in.
Are you sure that's all you want?
Well, Uncle Ralph
brings me everything else.
That's true. He does.
You know, we are gonna have to be
extra nice to Uncle Ralph this year.
- You mean because of Aunt Margaret?
- Yes, because of Aunt Margaret.
You know, the holidays can be
a little rough when you've lost someone.
But let's make this Christmas
the best Christmas ever.
- OK?
- OK.
What's this?
Oh, well, some of the boys said
at school that Santa Claus wasn't real.
- So I wrote down a few questions.
- And they are?
How does he do it all in one night,
I mean, the whole world?
Well, there are time differences
in all the markets. That helps, right?
So, like, when it's Christmas here,
it's not Christmas in Australia.
So that gets him an extra night.
And he has a lot of branch offices
and I'm sure that he's updated
his distribution software.
Look, FedEx does it every day, right?
You know what?
I am gonna look this over,
and I will get back to you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Go to sleep, my little thinker.
Close your eyes.
Sweet dreams.
Good night.
I can't wait for Christmas to be over.
(Mechanical voice)
I got him for my nephew for Christmas.
I think I'm gonna keep him.
- He can drive a cop car.
- Hey, Ralph.
Yeah, I'll be right there, Benny.
This is so good. It's gonna walk.
That's very nice.
There's a surprise for you over here.
All right. Give him a beer.
I think he'll enjoy it.
Behave.
All right, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey, everybody. How you doing?
What are you guys doing here?
Nice to see you, Marcia.
All right, what's going on, huh?
Congratulations.
We wanted to pay tribute
to your retirement with a portrait.
What do you think?
Thank you, thank you.
Listen, it's great that I'm on the wall.
- I'd just rather be on the street.
- Ralph, it's an honour.
No, I know that. I know.
It's an honour, right.
But I can run circles
around those young guys.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
- Ralph.
- You're not gonna believe this.
No, Benny, come here.
You're not gonna believe this robot.
- Hey.
- What?
- Give it up.
- Give it up? You got a gun?
- I don't need a gun with you, old man.
- No? Are you nuts?
I'm gonna tell you something.
You make one move and I will crush
your windpipe, all right?
Now, what did we learn
from this evening?
You do not attack somebody outside
of a bar filled with police officers.
You understand?
And if my robot is any way damaged,
I will just rip you apart.
- Hey, you guys got some cuffs?
- Yeah, yeah. I got some here.
Would you do me a favour?
Would you cuff him? I am exhausted.
You got it. Let's go, buddy.
Get his name and book him.
Attempted robbery.
So, here's the stuff
on Hybron Microtech.
Great.
And there's a little surprise
waiting for you in your office.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.
Flowers from Mr Barnes himself.
The card reads:
"Great job on the Foster portfolio."
This is great.
This is better than I thought.
- I know.
- Those are from Barnes?
- Yeah.
- You know what that means.
- He's too cheap for champagne?
- Vice president.
(Giggles)
- Oh. Is this my list for today?
- It's Brian's Christmas list.
I swear, Denise,
I have the best kid in the world.
You know most kids ask for
a million things? One toy, he wants.
- What would that be?
- Something called a Rocketwheel.
- You're kidding me, right?
- Why?
- Haven't you seen it?
- What?
Oh, no.
I can't believe you haven't heard
about this. You analyse corporations.
Well, if I was doing a bike company,
I would have been all over it.
According to the news, you can't
even get one unless you go to China.
All right, not to panic.
Just drop whatever you're doing today.
Get on the internet
and see if you can find me one.
- Sure.
- What else?
Your mother sent you an email.
She's not gonna make it for Christmas.
What?
Something about she got a free condo
in the Caribbean.
- She has to be here. What about Brian?
- She was here for Thanksgiving.
She's also supposed to meet
Richard's parents for Christmas dinner.
My Christmas dinner. She has to make the
turkey. I've never made a turkey before.
Turkeys are so easy, like...
Actually, no, the first couple of times,
they get all dry and awful.
You're eating it
and it's just like, "Ugh!"
- Not helping.
- Sorry.
I am gonna look like a total incompetent
in front of Richard's parents.
- What am I gonna do?
- Make lots of gravy?
I'm gonna get you a Rocketwheel.
Everything's gonna be great.
- And turkey recipes!
- Yeah, I'm on it. Turkey recipes.
You're a gem!
For that Christmas
you'll always remember,
come to Winsley's Jewellers,
where diamonds are still
a girl's best friend.
Ho, ho, ho!
So what do you think?
We start running 'em tomorrow.
Um... I have to be honest. You really
shouldn't be doing your own commercials.
I know I'm awful, but sales are up 32%.
Everybody wants to see
the terrible guy in the ad.
OK. Listen, I have to ask you a favour.
You know everyone in the world.
Tell me how I can find one of these.
Jen, I'll talk to some of my people,
but why'd you wait so long?
I had no idea it was this year's
Tickle Me Elmo.
- You analyse corporations. I figured...
- I know that I analyse corporations.
If one more person says that to me...
Honestly, this whole holiday thing
is seriously driving me nuts.
(Sighs) I don't have
half my shopping done.
I made cookies that taste like drywall.
I don't have my decorations up.
And my mother,
now she's not coming out for Christmas.
My parents are looking forward
to meeting her.
I know. Well, they're just gonna
have to meet Uncle Ralph instead.
Oh.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I've only met him that once.
But, I mean,
he's a little rough round the edges.
He's the nicest guy in the world.
He used to clean his guns on the living
room floor when you'd bring home a date.
He's mellowed.
Did you hear something?
(Laughs)
This is great. You are great.
All right. I got the truck, I got
the football, I got that robot thing,
I got this for Brian, this for Brian,
this for Brian, this for Brian.
I got nothing for Jen.
I hate shopping for girls.
All right, fine, just make sure
that everybody's in the office by ten.
Can you tell me when I get there?
I gotta go.
- Morning, Jennifer.
- Good morning, Rita.
I noticed your lights aren't up yet.
You don't wanna be the only dark house
on Christmas Eve.
No, of course not.
We're going for the whole street
this year. Just simple.
- White lights everywhere.
- Wonderful.
I called the guys who usually do them,
but they haven't called me back.
- Who did yours?
- My husband, of course.
Of course. I'll talk to you
about it later. I gotta run.
My husband, of course.
Step behind the car, I dare you.
I miss my Christmas baby
From his head down to his mistletoe
Oh, I miss my Christmas baby
From his head down to his mistletoe
Cos without my Christmas baby...
It's not for sale.
That bike stays in the window.
- Why?
- Bait and switch.
People see that bike in the window,
then they come in.
I sell 'em somethin' else or I take
their order for a Rocketwheel...
in January.
OK, I'll buy it from you today, but
I won't pick it up until Christmas Eve.
- How's that?
- I don't know.
Look, face it, OK?
After the 25th, the bottom
falls out of the market for this bike.
Sell it to me today,
you keep it in the window,
you can bait and switch
all you want.
On the 24th, the bike is mine
and you make a nice profit.
It's the best of both worlds.
- We close at noon.
(Sighs)
I will be here at 11:59.
Thank you.
See? That's why great minds think alike.
I was just dialling your number.
JENNIFER: Did you talk to Mom?
Do you know I'm stuck
figuring out the turkey?
Who goes to the beach at Christmas time?
I mean, she's my sister, I love her,
but she is a flake.
I know and I was hoping
she was gonna be coming out with you.
That is an awfully long drive
to be doing by yourself.
- Yeah, well, that's why I'm flying.
- Flying?
You hate to fly. When is the last time
you were even on an airplane?
I think Nixon was in office.
Anyway, listen, I'm gonna need a ride
from the airport to your house.
- So please put me on one of your lists.
- OK, you're on the list.
Also, I sent all the packages ahead
so I can travel really light.
I hope you didn't go overboard
again this year.
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
You are incorrigible.
- Hey, I'm standing here!
- Sorry.
Oh, oh, oh, miss, miss.
Look, um, I don't see Chicago.
- Can you help me?
- No, I can't.
And they pay you? Come on.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, look, I don't have
any spare change,
I'm not gonna buy one of your pamphlets
and I don't wanna join your cult,
so just back off.
I was just trying to see
if you needed some help. I'm sorry.
Hey, you fly a lot?
Yeah, all the time.
All right, look,
I don't see Chicago up here.
That's OK. Here,
why don't you let me see your ticket?
Yeah, 1274 Chicago.
I'm on the same flight.
So what line do I get on?
Yeah, well, unfortunately
it's that very long one right there.
I haven't checked in either.
I kind of fell asleep.
- Morgan Derby.
- Ralph Kendell.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too. What do we do?
You know what, Ralph? I got an idea
on how we can skip that line.
Thing is, it's a little dishonest.
- Keep talking.
- All right. Here, follow my lead.
Let's go.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, miss?
- We have a bit of a problem here.
- You and a million other people today.
Your baggage handler
just ran over my uncle.
- So?
- So?
- So that's what we call negligence.
- Nothing I can do for you.
Hey, listen, we can do this the easy way
or we can do this the hard way.
It was all caught on tape,
which we'll subpoena.
I've got the names and numbers
of 12 witnesses.
- Now, when they see the tape of that...
- OK. What's the easy way?
You take these tickets
and you head back there and check us in.
- A little upgrade might be nice.
- OK, fine.
Coming through!
Excuse me.
Ow.
Ralph, we're right here. I'm inside.
Wow. I don't know why
everybody's complaining about flying.
- It's just great.
- Yeah, well, don't get too used to it.
On the way home,
you're in the back with the peasants.
So, Ralph,
what would you like for breakfast?
We got steak and eggs, Spanish omelette.
No, nothing, thank you.
I'm fine. It's good.
Hey, Ralph, it's first class.
Everything's free.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Care for a drink?
- What have you got?
- Coffee, tea, beer, champagne.
- Free?
- Free.
All right, I'll start the beer,
we'll move right into champagne
and end with steak and eggs.
- I'll have the same, thanks.
- May I take your coats?
Will I get it back? Just joking.
WOMAN: The holidays aren't complete
without turkey and all the trimmings.
Nothing says "happy holidays" like the
smell of turkey coming from the oven.
OK, great. Just tell me how to cook it.
Before you get started,
you must first preheat the oven.
Begin at 300.
Then 400.
Then 450.
Ugh! Make up your mind already.
MAN: Every family enjoys
a nice moist turkey,
so you must begin by wrapping it
in thick, aluminum foil.
WOMAN: Use medium thickness
aluminum foil.
MAN: The foundation of stuffing
is breadcrumbs.
MAN 2: For stuffing they'll never
forget, start with croutons.
MAN 3: Everyone loves a touch of celery.
WOMAN: Fresh apples give it
a sweet, crunchy flavour.
MAN: Selecting the right roasting pot
will be one of the most important
decisions you will make.
WOMAN: Olive oil.
MAN: Butter.
WOMAN: Margarine.
MAN: Diced shrimp.
WOMAN: Bay scallops.
MAN: Garlic.
MAN 2: Rosemary.
MAN 3: You must begin by...
(All voices speak at once)
MAN: Do not use aluminum foil.
This is going to be a disaster.
Let's see. From there I went to Ireland,
worked on a farm.
Spain, Greece, Paris.
- What'd you do in Paris?
- Well, let's see.
I taught English, I waited tables,
bartended, cleaned fish,
um, wrote half a novel
and stage-managed Waiting for Godot.
I do not wanna type your rsum.
It's about 60 pages long. But all that
changed a couple of weeks ago.
- What happened?
- Turned 30.
- Do not talk to me about being 30.
- I know, I know.
But I've been kind of travelling,
rambling around, ever since college.
Figured it's time
to put down some roots.
Which is why I'm heading to Denver.
- What's in Denver?
- Old girlfriend.
Gonna try and talk her
into opening a restaurant.
I cannot see you
standing in a doorway, saying,
"Excuse me, would you like a menu?
Can I give you a menu?"
Strictly back of the house here.
Put chef on that rsum
- You're a chef?
- Oh, yeah.
How do you handle a turkey?
Let me tell you, you have not had a
turkey until I have cooked you a turkey.
OK. All right, here's another question.
What kind of cranberry sauce?
- For you?
- Yeah.
- Straight out the can.
- Oh, my kind of guy.
I hate those little nubby things
in there. I like it smooth, you know?
- Ralph, I had a feeling, my friend.
- Yeah.
OK, Brian, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Good boy.
- Oh.
- Mom, it's too big.
It's not too big.
The hook is just a little too small.
We'll get a bigger one, OK?
I'll put it on the list.
MORGAN: Wow. She's pretty.
Yeah. She's more of a daughter
than a niece.
Her father died when she was very young.
- What about her mom?
- My sister. Lawyer, very successful.
Totally nuts. Travels a lot.
So Jenny used to stay with us
all the time, you know.
- We never had kids, so...
- Single mom?
Yeah. She, uh...
Thank you.
Yeah, well, she's met this boyfriend
back east. I met him one time.
He's very nice. Between you and me,
he's very boring.
I have met
more interesting doorknobs, actually.
But he's very successful
and he wears $800 shoes.
- You're kidding?
- No. Listen, I've been a cop 38 years.
If there's one thing
that I learned on the beat,
you do not trust people
who wear $800 shoes.
(Clanging)
- I'll remember that.
Hey, Ralph, it's OK.
It's just the landing gear.
- It's all right.
- I guess that means we're here?
Yeah, it looks like it.
Excuse me. Could I get
another one of them little hot towels?
- Yes, of course, sir.
- Thank you. I love those things.
They calm me down.
Excuse me.
When's the next flight to Denver?
It's hard to say, sir.
Denver's totally snowed in. Sorry.
Thanks.
Careful, careful, careful.
- Oh. You OK?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you.
Actually,
he's just in the bathroom, Jen.
You must be Brian. How you doing, pal?
- Fine...
- Uh...
I'm sorry. I... Do we know each other?
- Oh, you know what?
- Hey, gorgeous.
Uncle Ralph!
You're still taking them beauty pills.
Get over here.
Stop.
- So, naughty or nice?
- Nice.
- All right. Here's a ten spot.
JENNIFER: Of course.
- Do not spend that all in one bar.
- Uncle Ralph.
- So how did we do?
- No luck.
- That's lousy.
- No, it's not a big deal.
I'll spend a few nights
on the airport floor.
You get to meet
all the best security people.
- It was really great to meet you.
- Thank you so much for everything.
- Absolutely. Merry Christmas, guys.
- Merry Christmas.
- And that is?
- That is a very good friend of mine.
- Really?
- Yes.
- A very good friend?
- I need a favour.
I need him to stay at the house
for one night.
- Excuse me?
- His flight has been cancelled.
- No one knows...
- I'm very sorry to hear that.
- But no.
- Come on. It's one night.
- No.
- Jenny, it's Christmas.
I am not going to invite a stranger
to my house. What if he's some psycho?
I've been a cop for 30 years.
You don't think I know the difference?
- I smelled him. He's good.
- You smelled him?
Yes. I took a whiff of him.
He's a good guy.
No. How about a hotel?
I don't think he's got
two nickels to rub together.
- That's even better. He's a vagrant.
- No, he is a chef.
He just happens to be
a little bit of a hippy, that's all.
- He's a chef?
- You know what his specialty is?
- No.
- Turkey.
We always need a good turkey.
It'll be our first.
Hey, that's enough from you.
I'm telling you, if it wasn't for him,
I would still be at JFK trying to
figure out what line to get on.
- He got me into first class.
- Oh, God.
I do not want him
sleeping on this hard floor.
- Oh, God.
- One night.
- One.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, you're in!
- One.
You're in. Come here.
All right, trust me,
this is gonna be fantastic.
All right, where are we going? This way?
- Morgan, Jennifer. Jennifer, Morgan.
JENNIFER: Hi.
MORGAN: Nice to meet you.
JENNIFER: Nice to meet you.
So you've been touring Europe
for a couple of years?
- That is correct.
- The airport lose your luggage?
Uh, no. This is it.
That's it? You've been living
out of just that for a couple of years?
Well, I spent a lot of time
at Laundromats.
Jennifer!
- Hi, Rita.
- Hey, wanna come see Skip?
- Sure. Who's Skip?
BRIAN: You'll see.
Hi. A man came around
looking to put up the lights
and I told him you'd be interested.
Christmas Eve's only three nights away
and you don't wanna be the only...
BOTH: ..dark house on Christmas Eve.
- Right. There you go.
- Oh, for me?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
So, who's your friend?
Oh. I don't know.
My uncle found him on the airport floor.
Thanks for the gift.
- It's a red-eared turtle.
- Wow. You keep a very neat room, Brian.
Organisation saves time.
Well, I can't argue with that, I guess.
BRIAN: His name's Skip.
MORGAN: He looks really familiar.
- I used to work on a turtle farm.
- You did not!
Sure did. A little island
off the coast of Australia.
We raised mainly starfish,
but turtles were a big sideshow.
See, look, you can tell them
by the markings.
Now, I'm not sure,
but I think this guy's name is Harry.
Harry?
Oh. Did you see that?
Hang on a second here.
There he is. It is Harry.
Whoa! What are the odds
to come thousands of miles
and run into somebody you know?
Cool ring.
You know what that stone's made out of?
- What?
- Molten lava.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I was in Alaska when a volcano erupted.
Had to camp out on the side
of a mountain for a week
while the smoke cleared.
Oh, Harry. Look at that.
- Wow.
(Doorbell)
- Hello.
- I'm the light guy.
Oh, great. How much?
Well, I'm gonna have to check out
the square footage.
- Hundred bucks.
- You don't wanna be the only...
BOTH: ..dark house on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, say that again and it's 75.
- Are we good?
- Yeah.
Great. I'll open up the garage for you.
Hey, listen, I am so sorry
that I put you on the floor,
but I got seniority.
- Yeah, it's not a problem.
- All right.
- Ralph, come here for a second.
- What?
- Take a look at this.
- Oh, yeah.
MORGAN: Something doesn't seem right
about this guy.
- You got a good eye.
- We investigate?
Oh, yeah.
- We disturbing you?
- Hey, fellas.
This is the thing...
Are you thinking that I'm thinking
this is what we think it is?
I definitely think
it's what we think it is.
Yeah, we do.
- You stay here. I'll call the cops.
- Done.
Ow! My head!
Lovely.
What is going on? What's happening?
That guy you hired's been hitting
the whole neighbourhood.
He's a garage bandit, honey.
Morgan smelled him right out.
- You should be a cop.
- He was stealing from me?
- Hello.
- Oldest trick in the book.
Yeah. The next time,
could you get references, please?
Great. Could you guys have at least
waited until after he hung the lights
to turn him in,
like some kind of community service?
Look, it's not a big deal.
I'm gonna be the only dark house
on Christmas Eve.
My neighbour is like the Christmas Nazi.
Every house has to be all white.
Jen, I'll hang your lights for you, OK?
This wreath is too big.
It is not too big.
The hook is too small.
It's like 30 pounds.
You'd need a staple gun and duct tape.
Can you please give me the wreath?
- Thank you.
- OK.
- Can you close the door?
- Of course.
(Ringing tone)
JENNIFER: Hello?
- Hi, it's me.
- Just wanna make sure you're home.
- Uh, yeah. Why?
Just wanna stop by for a minute.
- Um, right now?
- In a little while.
- Got something to run past you.
- Uh, yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.
I won't stay long. See you soon.
Oh, wow.
All right, here you go.
Your niece seems like
a very bright woman.
Are you kidding?
Ivy League, MBA, all the way.
How'd she let a guy
who looks like that into her garage?
Because in business she is an Einstein.
When it comes to life,
she is dumber than a bag of barber hair.
(Morgan chuckles)
- You should've seen her first husband.
- What's he like?
Between you and me, a waste of skin.
Left a month after Brian was born.
- A real class act, huh?
- Can you believe it?
The guy she's going with now,
Richard, the jeweller...
- I know. Expensive shoes, right?
- Yeah. The prince of shiny shoes.
(Morgan chuckles)
But she was a weird little girl,
the whole entire time I've known her.
- Used to make lists all the time.
- What kind of lists?
Barbie's clothes,
what am I gonna do next year,
what am I gonna do 57 years from now?
(Clattering)
(Screams)
(Yells)
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
- Will you lean forward?
RALPH: Be careful.
- What do you think you're doing?!
I'm putting up the lights.
Right. Well, I'm sorry.
I just thought...
- It's OK.
- Whatever. Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm good.
Honestly.
- Is she naked?
- No, no.
I told you, this girl is weird.
- Uncle Ralph.
- Mm-hm?
- Uh, Richard's coming over.
- Mm.
So, um, this...could be a bit awkward.
Why? I'm chaperoning.
Yes, I know,
but I just don't wanna have to...
Oh. Are you telling me he's jealous?
No, not because he's jealous.
Because I don't wanna have to
get into details about...
Look, could you just do me a favour
and keep him...out?
- I could.
- Could?
I will.
You're a giver.
(Chuckles)
(Doorbell)
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Come on in. You remember Uncle Ralph.
- Ralph.
- Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
RALPH: It's been a long time
since we saw each other.
Now, that's a pair and a half of shoes.
Thank you. So how was the flight?
It was great. First class, you know.
- They give you hot towels for free.
(Phone rings)
That's what first...
Excuse me. I have to take this.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
We gotta move on this ASAP.
If he can't deal with it, fire him.
He's gonna be on the phone
your whole life.
- Stop it.
- I'm just saying.
Uncle Ralph, be nice.
Yeah. Sorry about that.
I'm opening a new store.
Have to get things straightened out
by the end of the year. Tax purposes.
- Of course.
- So how's retirement? Miss being a cop?
You know, not really.
I just miss the bribes, actually.
- Did you say bribes?
- Yeah, nothing big, nothing big.
You know, like gambling, speeding
tickets. They were hot. Stuff like that.
Really? Weren't you ever afraid
of getting caught?
- He's kidding, Richard. Aren't you?
- Yeah, I'm a big kidder.
But let me just say, from the bottom
of my heart, I am in awe of those shoes.
- Well, thanks again, Ralph.
- You bet.
Oh, Jen, wanted to run this by you.
Brian's present.
- Oh.
- Wow. An envelope.
Oh, my... It's a $500 gift card.
Toy World. It's his favourite, right? If
he wants to go somewhere else, then...
No, no, no, it's very generous
and very thoughtful,
but you know you could have just
gotten him any kind of toy.
Well, that's just it, I wasn't sure,
so I thought gift card.
(Knocking)
I need coffee.
I think I'm just gonna show Mr Light Guy
where the coffee is.
What I was saying was
it's just that for kids,
sometimes they like to have something
to play with on Christmas morning.
I'll call my assistant
and see if she can pick something up.
- No, no, no. It's...
- Hey, Jen, we're almost out of milk.
Mm.
- It's fine, perfect. He'll love it.
(Phone rings)
Sorry. I have to get this.
Yeah. Look, I'm not gonna tell you
again. I don't care what he says...
I am not playing around.
I do not care if he has to walk.
He is out of here
first thing tomorrow morning.
RICHARD: Yes.
You OK? All right, and drop.
This is what she wants us
to put together.
Oh, no. A fake tree.
A fake silver tree.
Well, it's got really ugly
gold things on it.
- Have you never had a real tree?
- Mom said they drop needles.
They're supposed to drop needles.
Listen, Brian, when I was a kid,
I used to go out with my grandfather
in the forest for hours and hours
until we found the perfect tree.
The fresh snow, the smell
of the pine needles...it was amazing.
Well, if you wanna go,
they sell 'em down the street.
OK, here we go, down the street.
OK, come on.
Which one of you guys
is gonna be really, really moist?
Fancy meeting you here.
- Hello, Rita.
- Frozen turkey?
They're disgusting, aren't they?
Who would serve them to a family?
You are so right.
Free range, I think they're aisle six.
Exactly.
Hope you choke on your eggnog.
MORGAN: Not exactly a pristine forest.
RALPH: It's certainly better
than that other tree she's got.
That looks like it should be in Vegas.
You never did this,
went out and cut down a tree?
- This personage is from Brooklyn.
- Guys, look! I've found it!
Well, let's go see it.
- Oh, yeah. This is it.
- Isn't it great?
- Yes, it is. You've got a great eye.
- Listen, I got this.
- Huh?
- I got this.
- No, no, this is my family.
- Ralph, this was my idea.
Just because I sleep on the airport
floor doesn't mean I'm destitute.
- All right, this one time.
- Deal.
Hey, Morgan, thanks.
You got it, pal.
All right, this is the one.
Where's the cashier?
Let's go pay for this sucker.
RALPH: Hi.
- Hello.
Look at this. Morgan made lunch.
It is so fancy.
You got your tuna steak, vegetables.
He made one for you. It's over there.
Thanks. I'm not really hungry right now.
What is that smell?
I believe that is a Christmas tree.
It's real, with needles and sap.
- And where is my tree?
- Mom!
See the tree? Isn't it great?
I picked it out and Morgan bought it.
I think the tree is very nice.
Of course, I already had a tree.
Yeah, but that one was silver with
lame little gold pieces all over it.
- It was like a train wreck.
- It was awful.
She's gonna get used to it, trust me.
This is fabulous.
(Shower running)
(Knocking)
Morgan?
(Clattering)
- Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry, I knocked,
but, um, you were, well...
I just thought
I would bring you some towels.
- I've got some.
- Yes, I can see that.
Imagine how embarrassing it'd be
if I didn't.
- Yes, I can imagine.
- Imagine.
No, not that I am imagining.
I'm just saying...
I'm gonna take the towels with me.
OK.
Um, can you do me a favour?
So Brian's dad
won't even call him at Christmas?
- Highly doubtful.
- Wow. Sounds like a real jerk.
JENNIFER: You have never made a mistake
in a relationship, I take it?
MORGAN: Well, constantly,
but I never marry them.
(Jennifer laughs)
JENNIFER: Bravo for you.
So why don't you tell me
about your, uh, friend
that you're going into business with
in Denver?
- Just a friend.
- Does she have a name?
Morning Mist.
What?! Morning Mist? Are you kidding me?
It's not her fault.
Her parents are just a little...
Crazy?
Look, have I said anything
about Richard?
What is there to say about Richard?
He's bright, he's charming,
he's very good-looking.
Maybe I should date him.
He's very successful and well organised.
There's something
to stoke the passion, huh?
- Stop it.
- Wait.
When you open up his closet, all his
shirts are organised by colour, right?
I knew it! I knew it. Had to be.
Let's just get the turkey, OK?
MAN ON TV: The cold front
that moved into the Rockies
has been causing headaches
for some holiday travellers.
Here's Joanne Davro
reporting from Denver.
Still bad out west,
with heavy snow and ice
and Denver airport not expected to open
until at least sometime tomorrow.
Travellers settling in
for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
Back to you.
MAN: Thanks for that report.
Try to stay warm.
- God, this place is terrific.
- I told you.
How did you find out about it? I live
here and I never even knew it existed.
- I like to read about food.
- That's right, the restaurant.
With Morning Dust,
Morning Dew, whatever.
I'm sorry,
but she has a very funny name.
Yeah, all right.
So why don't you tell me about your
location? Is there a lot of traffic?
- Parking good?
- Don't have one yet.
Don't have one? What kind of cuisine?
- Not sure.
- Really? Are you well capitalised?
You know, you are
a little bit tilted here, so...
Avoiding.
So the restaurant thing, it's...
I wish more women wore hats.
Some women can wear hats
and some women can't,
but you definitely can wear hats.
Thank you. Can we please go back
to talking about your business?
Only if we must.
I have to be honest,
the whole thing is sounding a bit vague.
Hey, Jen, guess what?
My whole life's a bit vague.
- You don't wanna talk about this.
- No.
No, I didn't think so.
Now, look, there's a great bakery
I read about just up the street.
- We got the turkey!
- Yes, we did.
You don't even read them?
I know who they're from.
OK.
RALPH: Jen, get in here!
Coming, Uncle Ralph!
What's up, Uncle Ralph?
Look at this. Denver is still snowed in.
...settling in for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
What happens
if his plane doesn't take off tomorrow?
We said one night.
You would kick him out on Christmas Eve?
Don't start with me, honestly.
(Doorbell)
- Go.
- I'm watching you.
You are evil.
Hi. Jen, can I show you something?
Uh... OK.
- It's red.
- Huh. Yes, it is.
I... I brought you a white one.
Wow, that is so thoughtful of you.
No, thanks.
It's an old Portuguese tradition based
on the legend of the one red candle,
which obviously I'm sure you remember.
Brings good luck.
We have an extra one in here,
if you're interested.
Merry Christmas.
There's...no such thing as the legend
of the one red candle, is there?
I'm sure there is, somewhere.
But you put the bulb in
on purpose, right?
Yeah.
And you know that that is going to
drive her absolutely nuts.
I had the general idea, yes.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
(Snoring)
(Snoring continues)
Whoa. That is a lot of Christmas
for this room.
Wow.
(Clattering)
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was wondering how long you were gonna
be able to deal with the snoring.
Well, I've heard worse.
Wow. Lot of friends.
- You really know all these people?
- Of course.
- Who is Edmund Cole?
- He is, um...
Edmund is...
You know, it's a business thing, OK?
You wouldn't know him
if he walked in this room right now.
- Excuse me.
- Use that for a second.
- What are you doing?
- Simplifying.
Bernard Coletti.
Can you please
go and sleep on the couch?
- Who is Bernard Coletti?
- He's on the list, OK?
- He sends me a Christmas card.
- Which you throw in the trash.
What do you think
he's doing to yours, Jen?
Look at you. You're killing yourself.
For what?
- You know what? I'm going to bed.
- Look, I know it's none of my business.
- Bingo.
- But you're doing Christmas all wrong.
Do you remember when you were a kid
and you waited for it all year?
And it wasn't just the presents.
It was the fact that...I don't know,
everyone just seemed a little...nicer.
All those silly little traditions
that meant so much.
Now everyone just blows it
out of proportion,
gets all stressed out and angry.
Every year I hear someone say,
"I can't wait for Christmas to be over."
For me, the saddest day of the year
is December 26th.
Are you through?
Yes.
You know, it must be wonderful
to have no responsibilities
and just flit from country to country,
job to job.
To be honest, you know,
there's a part of me that envies that.
But I have a little boy upstairs
and a house and a job
and, OK, yes,
maybe I overdo things a little bit.
But you know what? That is my business.
And I really do not appreciate
getting a lecture from you in my house
at 1:30 in the morning
about what I'm doing wrong.
You are absolutely right.
That was uncalled for and it was rude.
If it wasn't for you,
I'd be sleeping on the airport floor.
I'm sorry.
Really, I am.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Night.
Ow!
What happened? Are you OK?
I sat on your nutcracker.
(Jennifer giggles)
What?
Serves you right.
You should be more careful.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
(Gasps)
That's what happens when you buy frozen.
Richard, she can't even make a turkey!
Oh boy, oh boy.
My mother and father
are going to be so disappointed.
Ho, ho, ho!
You messed up Christmas, Jennifer.
I'm taking back all the presents.
(Screams)
(Sighs)
(Sizzling)
Mm. What smells so good?
Morgan made pancakes.
Wait until you try these.
Now, the secret is to leave the batter
just a little lumpy.
If you whip it too smooth,
it loses texture.
We're almost out of eggs.
Oh.
- Huh?
- Mm.
That's good.
I could make these for you
if you wanted me to.
(Laughter)
- Why is that so funny?
The cold front
that moved into the Rockies two days ago
has been causing headaches
for some holiday travellers.
Hey, Jen! You wanted the weather.
- Yes.
- Here it is.
- What is the weather like in Denver?
- ...snow and ice
and Denver airport not expected to
open until at least sometime tomorrow.
Travellers settling in
for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
Wait a minute.
She did that same stupid joke yesterday.
And...was in the same dress.
Hm.
- What are you trying to do, hm?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
- Wow. I bet he makes a great turkey.
I can make my own stupid turkey.
Listen, Uncle Ralph,
he's not a bad guy, OK?
But this happens to be maybe
the most important Christmas of my life.
I cannot have some total stranger
sleeping at my house.
Good news for folks in Denver, who are
digging out from two feet of snow.
Denver international airport
has reopened...
Whoops.
Thank you.
So, uh, can I bum a ride to the airport?
- Does he really have to go?
- Yes, honey.
He has people
that are expecting him in Denver.
I'm sure he wants to be with them
for Christmas.
Hey, Brian.
It was really great to meet you.
You too.
Sorry I don't have a Christmas present.
- Well, the tree was pretty cool.
- Done.
Just don't let your mom
overdecorate it, OK?
- Yeah.
- Wanna see a little bit of green.
Hey.
RALPH: All right, big boy.
- Be very safe. Have a great trip.
- Thank you so much for everything.
- What?
- Nothing.
- I'm not looking at anything.
- Come on.
OK, listen,
you're gonna preheat the oven to 450.
- Right, 450.
- And, uh...
And then you're gonna wrap the bird
in tinfoil.
- I got it. Are you OK?
- Oh, no.
My passport.
I can't find my passport.
We don't have time to go to the house.
This is the last flight to Denver today.
Sorry, sir, but without
some sort of government-issued ID,
we can't let you on.
- Don't you have a driver's licence?
- When I was 18.
- What's your permanent address?
- That's up in the air right now.
Huh! He makes pancakes. Does that help?
- Nothing I can do.
- Look, it's gotta be at the house.
Let's go.
Please help me, OK? It's Christmas Eve.
I have got get this guy out of my house.
Why?
(Groans)
JENNIFER: Unbelievable.
Look, I'm really sorry about the
passport. I don't know what happened.
It must have fallen out of my coat.
I just have a lot to do today, you know?
I haven't wrapped the presents yet...
(Gasps)
Brian's bike!
I have to be there before noon.
Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- It's OK. Just relax.
Relax? Are you kidding me?
This is the only thing he asked for. He
doesn't believe in Santa Claus as it is.
If there is not a Rocketwheel
underneath the tree...
- I cannot believe I let this happen.
- We're gonna get him the bike.
How are we gonna get him the bike? The
store is totally and completely closed.
- It's Christmas tomorrow and he's...
- Jen, Jen.
I promise you I will get him that bike.
- OK.
- OK.
- You're not gonna break in, are you?
- That's an option.
But first I thought we would try that.
OK. In case of emergency.
It's definitely an emergency.
What's the number?
(Phone rings)
Chet, hi. This is Jennifer.
I'm at the store. I'm here for the bike.
- Yeah? Sorry, lady.
- What do you mean, "sorry, lady"?
- I already paid for it.
- Too bad.
- It's Christmas.
- Ooh, guess what? I hate Christmas!
Can't wait till it's over.
He hung up.
This is the only thing he wanted.
OK, look, just, uh...
Go hide across the street in the alley.
What? Why?
Because this place has an alarm,
a cheap one.
I used to install them.
Was that before or after
the turtle farm?
Just go hide across the street.
I am not going to jail on Christmas Eve.
Do you want the bike or not?
Oh, God.
- What are you gonna do?
- Go, go.
(Alarm rings)
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go! Just go!
Move over. Move.
I can't, there's no room,
unless you wanna climb on top of me.
Don't.
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Just wait. It shouldn't be long.
(Sighs)
This is so not part of my plan today.
Threw out your whole list, did it?
Sorry. Sorry.
(Siren wails)
Now what?
OK, just wait.
There you are in a couple of years. Hm.
MORGAN: I don't have a tattoo.
Do you have any idea what percentage
of restaurants fail within 18 months?
You really have to discuss my future
right beside the garbage bins?
The symbolism's a bit much.
I really don't think you have any idea
what you're getting yourself into.
Does what's-her-name
even have any experience?
- Not that kind of experience.
- Oh, sorry.
Granted, I don't know the Denver
markets, but startup costs alone...
- Something'll work out.
- Something will work out?
There's a business plan.
Something'll work out.
CHET: Sorry you had to come down here.
Look, I'm not gonna stomp
on your dreams. I'm sorry.
You know, I hope everything
works out for you. I do.
It's just that I analyse corporations
and all I'm saying is I'm good at it.
And this restaurant thing of yours,
I could hardly recommend to investors.
- Come on. We're on.
- What?
Come on, come on, come on.
JENNIFER: Um, slow.
Hello, cars, ice, heels.
Hey. Listen, since you're here,
why don't you just give us the bike?
Should have known it was you.
Forget it.
Hey, open the door,
give us the bike and you can go.
(Chuckles)
Just forget about it, Morgan. It's fine.
Hey.
You and me in the alley.
I win, you give us the bike.
You win, you get the bike and the money.
- You got a deal.
- Good.
It is not even your money.
Oh! I can't believe this.
All right, let's go.
- Come on.
- You ready for this?
- Oh, yeah.
- Is this really necessary?
I got this.
What are you, one of those
black belt guys or something?
You're gonna find out.
(Laughs)
- Do you mind? It's kind of a custom.
- No, I don't mind. Here's your bow.
I had to do it. He's bigger than me.
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!
That was amazing.
(Groans)
OK, well, why don't we hide this
in the garage?
- Yeah, perfect.
- Cool.
Listen, I just wanna say thank you.
I don't know what I would have done.
And despite the fact that this was
definitely not on my list today,
um...I had fun.
Wow. You know, I think that is actually
the first time I have seen you smile.
- Hey, I smile.
- No.
I do. I smile a lot.
You're just, you know...
You're catching me at kind of a...
a tough time.
OK. Well, when's a good time?
- December 26th.
- Oh!
I know, I know,
it's your least favourite day.
- Mm-hm.
- But, um...
I guess I'm just Scrooge.
No. No, you are definitely not Scrooge.
You just need to learn
how to do Christmas.
Uh, OK, well,
let's put this in the garage, then.
OK.
- He's not there, is he?
- Got it?
Yeah.
Does this passport look familiar?
You lifted it, didn't you?
Are you accusing your uncle?
Yes, I am, and surprisingly the words
are rolling right off my tongue.
- You have any witnesses?
- What are you doing?
Why would you do this?
I just thought that this guy Morgan
was really good for you,
as a matter of fact,
and I can tell that he likes you.
What are we, in seventh grade?
Look, Jenny, you have always been...
What is the word I'm looking for?
- Easy.
- A very cautious girl, right?
And Richard is a very safe, nice bet.
And I'm saying that maybe it is time
for you to break out, to take a risk.
Look, this is crazy, OK?
He's a virtual stranger.
And Richard is a wonderful man.
He's kind and strong and stable and...
he's solid.
Wow. He sounds like a bookcase.
I'm not gonna mess this up.
Tomorrow Mr Morgan Derby
gets on an airplane
before Richard's parents get here.
- No more games. Promise me.
- I promise.
OK.
Let me ask you a question.
It's very, very close to Christmas Eve.
(Squeals)
Would you like to wear
your Christmas gift?
Oh, wow.
Do you remember these?
Of course I do.
Aunt Margaret used to let me
hold them up to my ears.
I took a picture of that.
And then she would let you
put on her make-up, huh?
- I still think about her every day.
- So do I.
Especially at this time of year.
You know, I see a decoration,
I hear a Christmas song
and all these memories
come rushing back,
millions of them,
stuff I thought I forgot.
35 Christmases.
Sure you want me to take these?
You don't wanna keep them?
Aunt Margaret would be so happy
to know you have them.
Besides, they would look
a little gauche on me.
Silly.
Thank you.
- I'm gonna check 'em out.
- Yeah.
They look so beautiful on your ears.
Wow. Think they're pretty?
Oh, my goodness. You look gorgeous.
- Uncle Ralph.
- Yeah.
- Will you do me a favour?
- What?
Just give Richard a chance, OK?
- He's not a bad guy.
- Done.
Thanks.
I just wish he would loosen up
his tighty whities.
I heard that.
(Chuckles)
OK.
Hey, careful.
You're gonna kill yourself.
- I can steady it. You got it?
- Yeah. Um...
I weigh more, so...why don't I hold it?
Perfect.
So, what are
your Christmas Eve traditions?
Uh, last-minute shopping, I guess.
I could still make some cookies.
All the great Christmas specials
are on tonight.
Um, actually, I'm going out.
Really?
Yeah, I have a dinner party.
Who has a dinner party on Christmas Eve?
Richard's parents.
Oh. OK.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Just a generic "oh".
Uh-huh. It's just a little family thing.
- A couple of business friends.
- Wow. Sounds like fun.
What do you think? Does it look good?
Everything's great.
Um, great. Well, then,
I should probably go and get ready.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
RALPH: Have a good time.
- Will do.
So how do I look?
Wow.
Um, you look lovely.
Thank you. So do you.
Not lovely.
Whatever the male equivalent is.
You look really good.
Yeah, well, Christmas Eve, I thought
I should, you know, dress up a little.
Listen, Jen, um...this has been
one of the best Christmases I've had
in a really long time.
I guess I forgot how nice it was
to be around a family.
I just wanted to say thank you.
No, I should thank you.
You're not nearly as obnoxious
as I thought you were.
Yeah, I kind of grow on people.
I wish you didn't have to
go out tonight.
Yeah, well, um... You know...plans.
Right. Plans.
(Knocking)
- I can go... I can hide in my room.
- No, of course not.
This is my house and you are my guest.
(Knocking)
Coming.
- Hi.
- Hey. Your wreath fell.
- You can just stick it right there.
- Wow. You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Richard, Morgan. Morgan, Richard.
Night, boys. I won't be late.
- Good night!
- Bye, Mom.
- Aren't you the lighting guy?
- At that point in history, yes, yeah.
No, no, I'm just a friend of the family.
Right.
- We should go.
- Yes.
- Good night.
- Good night.
JENNIFER: Thank you.
You just gonna let this guy move in?
He's a friend of my uncle's.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Is he gonna be here tomorrow night?
- My parents might find this a bit odd.
- Look, he's on standby for a plane.
If he doesn't make it, then your parents
are just gonna have to deal with it.
- Mother, Father.
- Darlings.
- I'm looking forward to that turkey.
- Yes, so am I.
- You're looking lovely.
- Thank you. You as well.
- Did Richard give you those earrings?
- Oh, no, actually. These belonged...
They're very retro, aren't they?
Well, I'm sure
he can do something with them.
- Let's get a drink.
- Yes.
BRIAN: I call.
- All right, read 'em and weep.
- Two eights.
- Ah. Jacks and threes.
Full house.
I'm getting really sad
that I taught you this game.
What do you keep staring at in there?
What's going on?
Well, I really wanna believe in Santa,
but the whole thing's hard to believe.
Hm.
Like he comes down the chimney, right?
- Right.
- OK.
- But what if there's a fire going?
- Well...
Then he has...a fire extinguisher
attached to his sleigh.
Well, some of the older boys said
at school that Santa Claus wasn't real,
and I just really wanna
believe in him and all,
but the whole thing's
sort of impossible.
Brian, will you do me a huge favour?
Just relax. I mean,
it's Christmas and you're a kid.
This is the greatest night of the year.
Greatest. Tell you what.
Let's stop playing cards.
You go upstairs,
brush your pearly whites,
put on some PJs,
we'll do something else.
- How about watch Rudolph?
- Great idea.
I myself will have a red nose
by the time you come down.
Um, he's very serious, isn't he?
Well, he's like his mother.
- Say, Ralph...
- Mm-hm?
Are you in
if we pull a little con on the kid?
Keep talking.
- Well, I'm gonna go outside...
- Mm-hm.
- And that's what happened.
- Just one more Christmas story?
- Real or fantasy?
- Real.
OK. All right, here it is, here it is.
I used to arrest this guy
named Chichi Barelli, all right?
This guy used to dress up as an elf,
if you could believe it,
and he would like rob liquor stores.
And he was tubby. He was a tubby elf.
I'm not kidding.
And every time he would run down
the same subway station,
run down the stairs
in his pointy little shoes,
get on that train
and the door would close.
(Bells jingling)
- What was that?
Shh. I think he's here.
If he thinks you're not sleeping,
he is gonna skip the joint.
(Thudding)
- What was that noise?
That is a very big elf.
Turn over. Turn over.
No, no! No, no, no, no! Oh, no.
Shh, shh, shh. Don't say anything.
I think he's here.
Turn around. Go to sleep.
Don't get out of that bed.
Ho-ho! What you're gonna get
in the morning, huh?
(Groans)
Coming. Oh, my goodness.
- Get in here.
- Did he buy it?
Yeah, hook, line and sinker.
How are you?
- I'm not too good.
- I'm gonna go get you a heating pad.
OK. Hey, get me
some of your special eggnog.
Yeah, I will, I will.
(Indistinct business talk)
I remember when we decided
to expand the business.
There were a lot of intangibles
to take into consideration.
You have to be aware of...
- Hey, you OK?
- Hm?
- All right?
- Yeah. Are you OK?
Yeah.
I gotta stop him or he'll talk forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have
your attention for a moment, please.
Father, sorry for interrupting
your story.
Now that we're all gathered here,
family and friends,
I have an announcement to make.
Jennifer...will you marry me?
(Gasping)
WOMAN: Isn't that romantic?
(Coughs)
WOMAN: Is she all right?
MAN: I'd like to propose a toast.
(Front door opens)
- Hi.
- Hey.
Is Brian already asleep?
Sort of. You might wanna check on him.
- Night.
- OK.
- I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
- OK.
Morgan, I'd like to talk to you
for a minute.
OK.
Jen and I were engaged tonight.
Wow. Um... Congratulations.
Thank you.
That being the case, and I don't wanna
be rude, tomorrow we'd like to celebrate
and it might be a little awkward
if you're still around.
So I'd like to offer you
a hotel room of your choice
at the airport until you leave,
on me, of course.
Christmas present.
Do you mind if I speak to Jen?
No, please.
Uncle Ralph was telling me
Christmas stories.
Then we heard a big bang on the roof.
And then we heard bells.
Bells? Oh, my gosh! What kind of bells?
What did it sound like?
- Morgan, I was just telling Mom...
- I know, I know.
Don't let me interrupt.
I just wanted to say good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- We'll see you in the morning.
- Yeah.
JENNIFER: So what was the...
You don't need to get me a hotel room.
It's Christmas Eve. I'll have
my pick of spots at the airport.
It's really no problem.
I can write it off.
Yeah.
Got all your stuff?
That's it.
Mom, wake up! It's Christmas!
Get up.
I'm up. Merry Christmas.
He brought it, Mom!
Santa Claus brought it!
He brought the Rocketwheel!
Of course he did. He's Santa.
Oh, my gosh. It's so cool.
I don't smell any coffee, Morgan.
Morgan?
RALPH: What's all the yelling here
on this Christmas morning?
- Huh?
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
- Where's Morgan?
- Well, he's not upstairs.
He's gone, Mom.
He left me a ring and this.
"You'll grow into it.
Merry Christmas. Morgan."
Come here. That was nice of him
to leave that, huh?
Don't be sad. Come here.
That was really nice of him
to leave you a present, right?
But more importantly on Christmas,
who else leaves you presents?
- Santa.
- Uh-huh. Now, let's open these gifts.
Good idea. Let's see.
Which one are we gonna open first?
All passengers for flight 117 to Denver,
please proceed to gate 11B.
How rude is that, honestly?
He just takes off?
What, no goodbye? No thank you? Nothing?
He has the classic Peter Pan syndrome.
Good riddance.
Brian was very excited
about Santa last night, huh?
He thought he heard something
on the roof.
- He heard Morgan on the roof.
- That was Morgan?
Yeah.
So that thoughtless, irresponsible guy
nearly killed himself last night
falling off the top of your roof,
trying to teach your kid
that, yes, there is a Santa Claus.
So, please, do not badmouth him
in front of me, OK?
Oh, wow.
- Aren't these...
(Doorbell)
These are beautiful.
RICHARD: Hello!
- Hello!
- Merry Christmas.
- How are you?
- Merry Christmas, darling.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Ralph.
- My parents. Winnie, Stephen.
- Hello, Ralph.
Uncle Ralph. This is Brian.
- Brian, hello. How are you?
- Turkey smells great, Jennifer.
Thank you.
Oh, Brian, there's a present for you
in my jacket pocket. I hope you like it.
JENNIFER: Let's see what this is.
- Mom.
- Yes.
- This is for you.
- No. That's not for you, Jen.
- That's...
- It's got my name on it. Sneaky.
Would you excuse us
for just a minute, please?
WINNIE: Of course.
Brian, why don't you go up
and feed Skippy?
Uncle Ralph, his name is Skip.
Yeah, right, him too.
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Come on in. Sit down, please.
- Thank you.
- Feel comfortable.
- Thank you.
- Jennifer, I can explain this, OK?
- Yes, you should explain.
Are you gonna explain
what this is about?
I just didn't feel
it was very appropriate for Morgan...
Appropriate? To what?
Write a very nice thank-you note?
Because that's what this is.
Do you wanna read it?
- No, I would never read your mail.
- But you would steal my mail.
It's completely inappropriate.
Do you know how childish that is?
- Uh, Richard's a jeweller?
- Mm-hm.
I knew a lot of jewellers
cos my beat was Brooklyn.
The street was lined with jewellers,
every one of them a thief.
I'm not calling your son Richard
a thief.
These guys, you yawn, boop!
They steal your fillings.
JENNIFER: This is my house.
I can let anybody stay here who I want.
RICHARD: Yeah, it's your house.
- How dare you pull that stunt.
- What stunt?
How could you propose to me
in front of a house full of strangers?
- I don't even know those people.
- I thought it would be exciting.
People do it at baseball games
all the time.
Baseball games?
Those people are idiots, Richard.
Christmas Eve is supposed to be
the most beautiful night of the year.
I've never been so bored in all my life!
Well, like father like son, huh?
- What?
- Shiny shoes.
- You like shiny shoes too.
- Yeah.
Very important in the business world,
I would imagine.
Mom, Dad, there's been a change
of plans. We're gonna head out.
What's going on?
Wait.
Don't forget this.
Oh, my.
Bye, Jennifer.
Mom, Dad, please.
- Ralph.
- Richard.
What about the turkey? It's Christmas.
- I don't wanna eat Chinese.
- Go. We're not having dinner here.
RALPH: Happy holidays.
What have I done?
I just broke up with Richard over a guy
who's not even here any more.
Well, I think the best way to live life
is to take a risk.
So why don't you get off your tush
and go find him?
Oh, right. What am I supposed to do,
run to the airport on Christmas Day
and hope that maybe, possibly,
I just happen to run into him?
- Sounds good to me.
- It's crazy, Uncle Ralph.
I think it is, yeah.
So...go and do it.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- Right now?
- Just like that.
Come here.
Listen to me, the timer is set.
- The turkey comes out at 1:15.
- 1:15.
- Do not touch it.
- Don't touch it.
Thank you.
Now, this is my kind of Christmas.
Passengers on flight 117 for Denver.
Boarding is now beginning at gate 11B.
You can't go through security
without a boarding pass.
I don't want to get on a plane. I'm just
trying to get somebody else off.
OK, OK. Let me get this straight.
This is the same guy from yesterday?
The guy you wanted out of your house?
I know, OK? I know.
Listen, it's absolutely crazy, OK?
I only met the guy 48 hours ago,
and, yes, in the beginning
he was driving me completely nuts.
But he's great. He's great with my son.
My uncle loves him.
My uncle doesn't like anyone, OK?
He's funny, he can cook, he stuck it
to my neighbour, which was really great.
He's...beautiful.
The funny thing is, I haven't liked
Christmas since I was a little girl,
and when he came,
he just made everything feel...
..really special.
He just knows how to do Christmas,
you know?
I don't even know why I'm crying.
I barely know this person.
I have never done anything
this crazy in my life, I promise you,
but I just had to take the risk.
Because this might be
my only chance, otherwise...
..I may never see him again.
And I really want to.
Please, can you just check for me?
His name is Morgan Derby.
He's on the flight to Denver.
That is her.
That's me she's talking about.
Here.
Excuse me. I gotta go.
According to this, they already boarded.
- They did?
- Sorry.
Thank you.
Jen!
- Ah!
- Please, Uncle Ralph.
Please, just one little bite.
Hey, don't I wish!
But you know she will kill us.
She did a great job, you know,
didn't she? Wow, is that beautiful!
(Car horn)
She found him!
- Morgan!
- Hey, mister. Welcome back.
RALPH: Come on! Now it's a holiday!
...the most wonderful time
Of the year
of the year
With the kids jingle-belling
And everyone telling you
be of good cheer
It's the most wonderful time
of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings
And gay, happy meetings
when friends come to call
It's the hap-happiest season of all
There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And carolling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
of Christmases long, long ago
All right, kiddo.
I'm ready when you are.
OK.
To Santa Claus from Brian Cullen,
regarding presents.
Dear Santa, I am fine.
I hope you are well.
This year I'd like a Rocketwheel.
Personal regards, Brian Cullen.
Very professional.
What's a Rocketwheel?
Um, it's like only one of
the coolest bikes in the world.
It makes all sorts of noises,
its wheels light up and...
OK, OK, OK. Jump in.
Are you sure that's all you want?
Well, Uncle Ralph
brings me everything else.
That's true. He does.
You know, we are gonna have to be
extra nice to Uncle Ralph this year.
- You mean because of Aunt Margaret?
- Yes, because of Aunt Margaret.
You know, the holidays can be
a little rough when you've lost someone.
But let's make this Christmas
the best Christmas ever.
- OK?
- OK.
What's this?
Oh, well, some of the boys said
at school that Santa Claus wasn't real.
- So I wrote down a few questions.
- And they are?
How does he do it all in one night,
I mean, the whole world?
Well, there are time differences
in all the markets. That helps, right?
So, like, when it's Christmas here,
it's not Christmas in Australia.
So that gets him an extra night.
And he has a lot of branch offices
and I'm sure that he's updated
his distribution software.
Look, FedEx does it every day, right?
You know what?
I am gonna look this over,
and I will get back to you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Go to sleep, my little thinker.
Close your eyes.
Sweet dreams.
Good night.
I can't wait for Christmas to be over.
(Mechanical voice)
I got him for my nephew for Christmas.
I think I'm gonna keep him.
- He can drive a cop car.
- Hey, Ralph.
Yeah, I'll be right there, Benny.
This is so good. It's gonna walk.
That's very nice.
There's a surprise for you over here.
All right. Give him a beer.
I think he'll enjoy it.
Behave.
All right, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey, everybody. How you doing?
What are you guys doing here?
Nice to see you, Marcia.
All right, what's going on, huh?
Congratulations.
We wanted to pay tribute
to your retirement with a portrait.
What do you think?
Thank you, thank you.
Listen, it's great that I'm on the wall.
- I'd just rather be on the street.
- Ralph, it's an honour.
No, I know that. I know.
It's an honour, right.
But I can run circles
around those young guys.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
- Ralph.
- You're not gonna believe this.
No, Benny, come here.
You're not gonna believe this robot.
- Hey.
- What?
- Give it up.
- Give it up? You got a gun?
- I don't need a gun with you, old man.
- No? Are you nuts?
I'm gonna tell you something.
You make one move and I will crush
your windpipe, all right?
Now, what did we learn
from this evening?
You do not attack somebody outside
of a bar filled with police officers.
You understand?
And if my robot is any way damaged,
I will just rip you apart.
- Hey, you guys got some cuffs?
- Yeah, yeah. I got some here.
Would you do me a favour?
Would you cuff him? I am exhausted.
You got it. Let's go, buddy.
Get his name and book him.
Attempted robbery.
So, here's the stuff
on Hybron Microtech.
Great.
And there's a little surprise
waiting for you in your office.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.
Flowers from Mr Barnes himself.
The card reads:
"Great job on the Foster portfolio."
This is great.
This is better than I thought.
- I know.
- Those are from Barnes?
- Yeah.
- You know what that means.
- He's too cheap for champagne?
- Vice president.
(Giggles)
- Oh. Is this my list for today?
- It's Brian's Christmas list.
I swear, Denise,
I have the best kid in the world.
You know most kids ask for
a million things? One toy, he wants.
- What would that be?
- Something called a Rocketwheel.
- You're kidding me, right?
- Why?
- Haven't you seen it?
- What?
Oh, no.
I can't believe you haven't heard
about this. You analyse corporations.
Well, if I was doing a bike company,
I would have been all over it.
According to the news, you can't
even get one unless you go to China.
All right, not to panic.
Just drop whatever you're doing today.
Get on the internet
and see if you can find me one.
- Sure.
- What else?
Your mother sent you an email.
She's not gonna make it for Christmas.
What?
Something about she got a free condo
in the Caribbean.
- She has to be here. What about Brian?
- She was here for Thanksgiving.
She's also supposed to meet
Richard's parents for Christmas dinner.
My Christmas dinner. She has to make the
turkey. I've never made a turkey before.
Turkeys are so easy, like...
Actually, no, the first couple of times,
they get all dry and awful.
You're eating it
and it's just like, "Ugh!"
- Not helping.
- Sorry.
I am gonna look like a total incompetent
in front of Richard's parents.
- What am I gonna do?
- Make lots of gravy?
I'm gonna get you a Rocketwheel.
Everything's gonna be great.
- And turkey recipes!
- Yeah, I'm on it. Turkey recipes.
You're a gem!
For that Christmas
you'll always remember,
come to Winsley's Jewellers,
where diamonds are still
a girl's best friend.
Ho, ho, ho!
So what do you think?
We start running 'em tomorrow.
Um... I have to be honest. You really
shouldn't be doing your own commercials.
I know I'm awful, but sales are up 32%.
Everybody wants to see
the terrible guy in the ad.
OK. Listen, I have to ask you a favour.
You know everyone in the world.
Tell me how I can find one of these.
Jen, I'll talk to some of my people,
but why'd you wait so long?
I had no idea it was this year's
Tickle Me Elmo.
- You analyse corporations. I figured...
- I know that I analyse corporations.
If one more person says that to me...
Honestly, this whole holiday thing
is seriously driving me nuts.
(Sighs) I don't have
half my shopping done.
I made cookies that taste like drywall.
I don't have my decorations up.
And my mother,
now she's not coming out for Christmas.
My parents are looking forward
to meeting her.
I know. Well, they're just gonna
have to meet Uncle Ralph instead.
Oh.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- I've only met him that once.
But, I mean,
he's a little rough round the edges.
He's the nicest guy in the world.
He used to clean his guns on the living
room floor when you'd bring home a date.
He's mellowed.
Did you hear something?
(Laughs)
This is great. You are great.
All right. I got the truck, I got
the football, I got that robot thing,
I got this for Brian, this for Brian,
this for Brian, this for Brian.
I got nothing for Jen.
I hate shopping for girls.
All right, fine, just make sure
that everybody's in the office by ten.
Can you tell me when I get there?
I gotta go.
- Morning, Jennifer.
- Good morning, Rita.
I noticed your lights aren't up yet.
You don't wanna be the only dark house
on Christmas Eve.
No, of course not.
We're going for the whole street
this year. Just simple.
- White lights everywhere.
- Wonderful.
I called the guys who usually do them,
but they haven't called me back.
- Who did yours?
- My husband, of course.
Of course. I'll talk to you
about it later. I gotta run.
My husband, of course.
Step behind the car, I dare you.
I miss my Christmas baby
From his head down to his mistletoe
Oh, I miss my Christmas baby
From his head down to his mistletoe
Cos without my Christmas baby...
It's not for sale.
That bike stays in the window.
- Why?
- Bait and switch.
People see that bike in the window,
then they come in.
I sell 'em somethin' else or I take
their order for a Rocketwheel...
in January.
OK, I'll buy it from you today, but
I won't pick it up until Christmas Eve.
- How's that?
- I don't know.
Look, face it, OK?
After the 25th, the bottom
falls out of the market for this bike.
Sell it to me today,
you keep it in the window,
you can bait and switch
all you want.
On the 24th, the bike is mine
and you make a nice profit.
It's the best of both worlds.
- We close at noon.
(Sighs)
I will be here at 11:59.
Thank you.
See? That's why great minds think alike.
I was just dialling your number.
JENNIFER: Did you talk to Mom?
Do you know I'm stuck
figuring out the turkey?
Who goes to the beach at Christmas time?
I mean, she's my sister, I love her,
but she is a flake.
I know and I was hoping
she was gonna be coming out with you.
That is an awfully long drive
to be doing by yourself.
- Yeah, well, that's why I'm flying.
- Flying?
You hate to fly. When is the last time
you were even on an airplane?
I think Nixon was in office.
Anyway, listen, I'm gonna need a ride
from the airport to your house.
- So please put me on one of your lists.
- OK, you're on the list.
Also, I sent all the packages ahead
so I can travel really light.
I hope you didn't go overboard
again this year.
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
You are incorrigible.
- Hey, I'm standing here!
- Sorry.
Oh, oh, oh, miss, miss.
Look, um, I don't see Chicago.
- Can you help me?
- No, I can't.
And they pay you? Come on.
Excuse me, sir.
Hey, look, I don't have
any spare change,
I'm not gonna buy one of your pamphlets
and I don't wanna join your cult,
so just back off.
I was just trying to see
if you needed some help. I'm sorry.
Hey, you fly a lot?
Yeah, all the time.
All right, look,
I don't see Chicago up here.
That's OK. Here,
why don't you let me see your ticket?
Yeah, 1274 Chicago.
I'm on the same flight.
So what line do I get on?
Yeah, well, unfortunately
it's that very long one right there.
I haven't checked in either.
I kind of fell asleep.
- Morgan Derby.
- Ralph Kendell.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too. What do we do?
You know what, Ralph? I got an idea
on how we can skip that line.
Thing is, it's a little dishonest.
- Keep talking.
- All right. Here, follow my lead.
Let's go.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, miss?
- We have a bit of a problem here.
- You and a million other people today.
Your baggage handler
just ran over my uncle.
- So?
- So?
- So that's what we call negligence.
- Nothing I can do for you.
Hey, listen, we can do this the easy way
or we can do this the hard way.
It was all caught on tape,
which we'll subpoena.
I've got the names and numbers
of 12 witnesses.
- Now, when they see the tape of that...
- OK. What's the easy way?
You take these tickets
and you head back there and check us in.
- A little upgrade might be nice.
- OK, fine.
Coming through!
Excuse me.
Ow.
Ralph, we're right here. I'm inside.
Wow. I don't know why
everybody's complaining about flying.
- It's just great.
- Yeah, well, don't get too used to it.
On the way home,
you're in the back with the peasants.
So, Ralph,
what would you like for breakfast?
We got steak and eggs, Spanish omelette.
No, nothing, thank you.
I'm fine. It's good.
Hey, Ralph, it's first class.
Everything's free.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Care for a drink?
- What have you got?
- Coffee, tea, beer, champagne.
- Free?
- Free.
All right, I'll start the beer,
we'll move right into champagne
and end with steak and eggs.
- I'll have the same, thanks.
- May I take your coats?
Will I get it back? Just joking.
WOMAN: The holidays aren't complete
without turkey and all the trimmings.
Nothing says "happy holidays" like the
smell of turkey coming from the oven.
OK, great. Just tell me how to cook it.
Before you get started,
you must first preheat the oven.
Begin at 300.
Then 400.
Then 450.
Ugh! Make up your mind already.
MAN: Every family enjoys
a nice moist turkey,
so you must begin by wrapping it
in thick, aluminum foil.
WOMAN: Use medium thickness
aluminum foil.
MAN: The foundation of stuffing
is breadcrumbs.
MAN 2: For stuffing they'll never
forget, start with croutons.
MAN 3: Everyone loves a touch of celery.
WOMAN: Fresh apples give it
a sweet, crunchy flavour.
MAN: Selecting the right roasting pot
will be one of the most important
decisions you will make.
WOMAN: Olive oil.
MAN: Butter.
WOMAN: Margarine.
MAN: Diced shrimp.
WOMAN: Bay scallops.
MAN: Garlic.
MAN 2: Rosemary.
MAN 3: You must begin by...
(All voices speak at once)
MAN: Do not use aluminum foil.
This is going to be a disaster.
Let's see. From there I went to Ireland,
worked on a farm.
Spain, Greece, Paris.
- What'd you do in Paris?
- Well, let's see.
I taught English, I waited tables,
bartended, cleaned fish,
um, wrote half a novel
and stage-managed Waiting for Godot.
I do not wanna type your rsum.
It's about 60 pages long. But all that
changed a couple of weeks ago.
- What happened?
- Turned 30.
- Do not talk to me about being 30.
- I know, I know.
But I've been kind of travelling,
rambling around, ever since college.
Figured it's time
to put down some roots.
Which is why I'm heading to Denver.
- What's in Denver?
- Old girlfriend.
Gonna try and talk her
into opening a restaurant.
I cannot see you
standing in a doorway, saying,
"Excuse me, would you like a menu?
Can I give you a menu?"
Strictly back of the house here.
Put chef on that rsum
- You're a chef?
- Oh, yeah.
How do you handle a turkey?
Let me tell you, you have not had a
turkey until I have cooked you a turkey.
OK. All right, here's another question.
What kind of cranberry sauce?
- For you?
- Yeah.
- Straight out the can.
- Oh, my kind of guy.
I hate those little nubby things
in there. I like it smooth, you know?
- Ralph, I had a feeling, my friend.
- Yeah.
OK, Brian, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Good boy.
- Oh.
- Mom, it's too big.
It's not too big.
The hook is just a little too small.
We'll get a bigger one, OK?
I'll put it on the list.
MORGAN: Wow. She's pretty.
Yeah. She's more of a daughter
than a niece.
Her father died when she was very young.
- What about her mom?
- My sister. Lawyer, very successful.
Totally nuts. Travels a lot.
So Jenny used to stay with us
all the time, you know.
- We never had kids, so...
- Single mom?
Yeah. She, uh...
Thank you.
Yeah, well, she's met this boyfriend
back east. I met him one time.
He's very nice. Between you and me,
he's very boring.
I have met
more interesting doorknobs, actually.
But he's very successful
and he wears $800 shoes.
- You're kidding?
- No. Listen, I've been a cop 38 years.
If there's one thing
that I learned on the beat,
you do not trust people
who wear $800 shoes.
(Clanging)
- I'll remember that.
Hey, Ralph, it's OK.
It's just the landing gear.
- It's all right.
- I guess that means we're here?
Yeah, it looks like it.
Excuse me. Could I get
another one of them little hot towels?
- Yes, of course, sir.
- Thank you. I love those things.
They calm me down.
Excuse me.
When's the next flight to Denver?
It's hard to say, sir.
Denver's totally snowed in. Sorry.
Thanks.
Careful, careful, careful.
- Oh. You OK?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you.
Actually,
he's just in the bathroom, Jen.
You must be Brian. How you doing, pal?
- Fine...
- Uh...
I'm sorry. I... Do we know each other?
- Oh, you know what?
- Hey, gorgeous.
Uncle Ralph!
You're still taking them beauty pills.
Get over here.
Stop.
- So, naughty or nice?
- Nice.
- All right. Here's a ten spot.
JENNIFER: Of course.
- Do not spend that all in one bar.
- Uncle Ralph.
- So how did we do?
- No luck.
- That's lousy.
- No, it's not a big deal.
I'll spend a few nights
on the airport floor.
You get to meet
all the best security people.
- It was really great to meet you.
- Thank you so much for everything.
- Absolutely. Merry Christmas, guys.
- Merry Christmas.
- And that is?
- That is a very good friend of mine.
- Really?
- Yes.
- A very good friend?
- I need a favour.
I need him to stay at the house
for one night.
- Excuse me?
- His flight has been cancelled.
- No one knows...
- I'm very sorry to hear that.
- But no.
- Come on. It's one night.
- No.
- Jenny, it's Christmas.
I am not going to invite a stranger
to my house. What if he's some psycho?
I've been a cop for 30 years.
You don't think I know the difference?
- I smelled him. He's good.
- You smelled him?
Yes. I took a whiff of him.
He's a good guy.
No. How about a hotel?
I don't think he's got
two nickels to rub together.
- That's even better. He's a vagrant.
- No, he is a chef.
He just happens to be
a little bit of a hippy, that's all.
- He's a chef?
- You know what his specialty is?
- No.
- Turkey.
We always need a good turkey.
It'll be our first.
Hey, that's enough from you.
I'm telling you, if it wasn't for him,
I would still be at JFK trying to
figure out what line to get on.
- He got me into first class.
- Oh, God.
I do not want him
sleeping on this hard floor.
- Oh, God.
- One night.
- One.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hey, you're in!
- One.
You're in. Come here.
All right, trust me,
this is gonna be fantastic.
All right, where are we going? This way?
- Morgan, Jennifer. Jennifer, Morgan.
JENNIFER: Hi.
MORGAN: Nice to meet you.
JENNIFER: Nice to meet you.
So you've been touring Europe
for a couple of years?
- That is correct.
- The airport lose your luggage?
Uh, no. This is it.
That's it? You've been living
out of just that for a couple of years?
Well, I spent a lot of time
at Laundromats.
Jennifer!
- Hi, Rita.
- Hey, wanna come see Skip?
- Sure. Who's Skip?
BRIAN: You'll see.
Hi. A man came around
looking to put up the lights
and I told him you'd be interested.
Christmas Eve's only three nights away
and you don't wanna be the only...
BOTH: ..dark house on Christmas Eve.
- Right. There you go.
- Oh, for me?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
So, who's your friend?
Oh. I don't know.
My uncle found him on the airport floor.
Thanks for the gift.
- It's a red-eared turtle.
- Wow. You keep a very neat room, Brian.
Organisation saves time.
Well, I can't argue with that, I guess.
BRIAN: His name's Skip.
MORGAN: He looks really familiar.
- I used to work on a turtle farm.
- You did not!
Sure did. A little island
off the coast of Australia.
We raised mainly starfish,
but turtles were a big sideshow.
See, look, you can tell them
by the markings.
Now, I'm not sure,
but I think this guy's name is Harry.
Harry?
Oh. Did you see that?
Hang on a second here.
There he is. It is Harry.
Whoa! What are the odds
to come thousands of miles
and run into somebody you know?
Cool ring.
You know what that stone's made out of?
- What?
- Molten lava.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I was in Alaska when a volcano erupted.
Had to camp out on the side
of a mountain for a week
while the smoke cleared.
Oh, Harry. Look at that.
- Wow.
(Doorbell)
- Hello.
- I'm the light guy.
Oh, great. How much?
Well, I'm gonna have to check out
the square footage.
- Hundred bucks.
- You don't wanna be the only...
BOTH: ..dark house on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, say that again and it's 75.
- Are we good?
- Yeah.
Great. I'll open up the garage for you.
Hey, listen, I am so sorry
that I put you on the floor,
but I got seniority.
- Yeah, it's not a problem.
- All right.
- Ralph, come here for a second.
- What?
- Take a look at this.
- Oh, yeah.
MORGAN: Something doesn't seem right
about this guy.
- You got a good eye.
- We investigate?
Oh, yeah.
- We disturbing you?
- Hey, fellas.
This is the thing...
Are you thinking that I'm thinking
this is what we think it is?
I definitely think
it's what we think it is.
Yeah, we do.
- You stay here. I'll call the cops.
- Done.
Ow! My head!
Lovely.
What is going on? What's happening?
That guy you hired's been hitting
the whole neighbourhood.
He's a garage bandit, honey.
Morgan smelled him right out.
- You should be a cop.
- He was stealing from me?
- Hello.
- Oldest trick in the book.
Yeah. The next time,
could you get references, please?
Great. Could you guys have at least
waited until after he hung the lights
to turn him in,
like some kind of community service?
Look, it's not a big deal.
I'm gonna be the only dark house
on Christmas Eve.
My neighbour is like the Christmas Nazi.
Every house has to be all white.
Jen, I'll hang your lights for you, OK?
This wreath is too big.
It is not too big.
The hook is too small.
It's like 30 pounds.
You'd need a staple gun and duct tape.
Can you please give me the wreath?
- Thank you.
- OK.
- Can you close the door?
- Of course.
(Ringing tone)
JENNIFER: Hello?
- Hi, it's me.
- Just wanna make sure you're home.
- Uh, yeah. Why?
Just wanna stop by for a minute.
- Um, right now?
- In a little while.
- Got something to run past you.
- Uh, yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.
I won't stay long. See you soon.
Oh, wow.
All right, here you go.
Your niece seems like
a very bright woman.
Are you kidding?
Ivy League, MBA, all the way.
How'd she let a guy
who looks like that into her garage?
Because in business she is an Einstein.
When it comes to life,
she is dumber than a bag of barber hair.
(Morgan chuckles)
- You should've seen her first husband.
- What's he like?
Between you and me, a waste of skin.
Left a month after Brian was born.
- A real class act, huh?
- Can you believe it?
The guy she's going with now,
Richard, the jeweller...
- I know. Expensive shoes, right?
- Yeah. The prince of shiny shoes.
(Morgan chuckles)
But she was a weird little girl,
the whole entire time I've known her.
- Used to make lists all the time.
- What kind of lists?
Barbie's clothes,
what am I gonna do next year,
what am I gonna do 57 years from now?
(Clattering)
(Screams)
(Yells)
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
- Will you lean forward?
RALPH: Be careful.
- What do you think you're doing?!
I'm putting up the lights.
Right. Well, I'm sorry.
I just thought...
- It's OK.
- Whatever. Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm good.
Honestly.
- Is she naked?
- No, no.
I told you, this girl is weird.
- Uncle Ralph.
- Mm-hm?
- Uh, Richard's coming over.
- Mm.
So, um, this...could be a bit awkward.
Why? I'm chaperoning.
Yes, I know,
but I just don't wanna have to...
Oh. Are you telling me he's jealous?
No, not because he's jealous.
Because I don't wanna have to
get into details about...
Look, could you just do me a favour
and keep him...out?
- I could.
- Could?
I will.
You're a giver.
(Chuckles)
(Doorbell)
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Come on in. You remember Uncle Ralph.
- Ralph.
- Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
RALPH: It's been a long time
since we saw each other.
Now, that's a pair and a half of shoes.
Thank you. So how was the flight?
It was great. First class, you know.
- They give you hot towels for free.
(Phone rings)
That's what first...
Excuse me. I have to take this.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
We gotta move on this ASAP.
If he can't deal with it, fire him.
He's gonna be on the phone
your whole life.
- Stop it.
- I'm just saying.
Uncle Ralph, be nice.
Yeah. Sorry about that.
I'm opening a new store.
Have to get things straightened out
by the end of the year. Tax purposes.
- Of course.
- So how's retirement? Miss being a cop?
You know, not really.
I just miss the bribes, actually.
- Did you say bribes?
- Yeah, nothing big, nothing big.
You know, like gambling, speeding
tickets. They were hot. Stuff like that.
Really? Weren't you ever afraid
of getting caught?
- He's kidding, Richard. Aren't you?
- Yeah, I'm a big kidder.
But let me just say, from the bottom
of my heart, I am in awe of those shoes.
- Well, thanks again, Ralph.
- You bet.
Oh, Jen, wanted to run this by you.
Brian's present.
- Oh.
- Wow. An envelope.
Oh, my... It's a $500 gift card.
Toy World. It's his favourite, right? If
he wants to go somewhere else, then...
No, no, no, it's very generous
and very thoughtful,
but you know you could have just
gotten him any kind of toy.
Well, that's just it, I wasn't sure,
so I thought gift card.
(Knocking)
I need coffee.
I think I'm just gonna show Mr Light Guy
where the coffee is.
What I was saying was
it's just that for kids,
sometimes they like to have something
to play with on Christmas morning.
I'll call my assistant
and see if she can pick something up.
- No, no, no. It's...
- Hey, Jen, we're almost out of milk.
Mm.
- It's fine, perfect. He'll love it.
(Phone rings)
Sorry. I have to get this.
Yeah. Look, I'm not gonna tell you
again. I don't care what he says...
I am not playing around.
I do not care if he has to walk.
He is out of here
first thing tomorrow morning.
RICHARD: Yes.
You OK? All right, and drop.
This is what she wants us
to put together.
Oh, no. A fake tree.
A fake silver tree.
Well, it's got really ugly
gold things on it.
- Have you never had a real tree?
- Mom said they drop needles.
They're supposed to drop needles.
Listen, Brian, when I was a kid,
I used to go out with my grandfather
in the forest for hours and hours
until we found the perfect tree.
The fresh snow, the smell
of the pine needles...it was amazing.
Well, if you wanna go,
they sell 'em down the street.
OK, here we go, down the street.
OK, come on.
Which one of you guys
is gonna be really, really moist?
Fancy meeting you here.
- Hello, Rita.
- Frozen turkey?
They're disgusting, aren't they?
Who would serve them to a family?
You are so right.
Free range, I think they're aisle six.
Exactly.
Hope you choke on your eggnog.
MORGAN: Not exactly a pristine forest.
RALPH: It's certainly better
than that other tree she's got.
That looks like it should be in Vegas.
You never did this,
went out and cut down a tree?
- This personage is from Brooklyn.
- Guys, look! I've found it!
Well, let's go see it.
- Oh, yeah. This is it.
- Isn't it great?
- Yes, it is. You've got a great eye.
- Listen, I got this.
- Huh?
- I got this.
- No, no, this is my family.
- Ralph, this was my idea.
Just because I sleep on the airport
floor doesn't mean I'm destitute.
- All right, this one time.
- Deal.
Hey, Morgan, thanks.
You got it, pal.
All right, this is the one.
Where's the cashier?
Let's go pay for this sucker.
RALPH: Hi.
- Hello.
Look at this. Morgan made lunch.
It is so fancy.
You got your tuna steak, vegetables.
He made one for you. It's over there.
Thanks. I'm not really hungry right now.
What is that smell?
I believe that is a Christmas tree.
It's real, with needles and sap.
- And where is my tree?
- Mom!
See the tree? Isn't it great?
I picked it out and Morgan bought it.
I think the tree is very nice.
Of course, I already had a tree.
Yeah, but that one was silver with
lame little gold pieces all over it.
- It was like a train wreck.
- It was awful.
She's gonna get used to it, trust me.
This is fabulous.
(Shower running)
(Knocking)
Morgan?
(Clattering)
- Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry, I knocked,
but, um, you were, well...
I just thought
I would bring you some towels.
- I've got some.
- Yes, I can see that.
Imagine how embarrassing it'd be
if I didn't.
- Yes, I can imagine.
- Imagine.
No, not that I am imagining.
I'm just saying...
I'm gonna take the towels with me.
OK.
Um, can you do me a favour?
So Brian's dad
won't even call him at Christmas?
- Highly doubtful.
- Wow. Sounds like a real jerk.
JENNIFER: You have never made a mistake
in a relationship, I take it?
MORGAN: Well, constantly,
but I never marry them.
(Jennifer laughs)
JENNIFER: Bravo for you.
So why don't you tell me
about your, uh, friend
that you're going into business with
in Denver?
- Just a friend.
- Does she have a name?
Morning Mist.
What?! Morning Mist? Are you kidding me?
It's not her fault.
Her parents are just a little...
Crazy?
Look, have I said anything
about Richard?
What is there to say about Richard?
He's bright, he's charming,
he's very good-looking.
Maybe I should date him.
He's very successful and well organised.
There's something
to stoke the passion, huh?
- Stop it.
- Wait.
When you open up his closet, all his
shirts are organised by colour, right?
I knew it! I knew it. Had to be.
Let's just get the turkey, OK?
MAN ON TV: The cold front
that moved into the Rockies
has been causing headaches
for some holiday travellers.
Here's Joanne Davro
reporting from Denver.
Still bad out west,
with heavy snow and ice
and Denver airport not expected to open
until at least sometime tomorrow.
Travellers settling in
for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
Back to you.
MAN: Thanks for that report.
Try to stay warm.
- God, this place is terrific.
- I told you.
How did you find out about it? I live
here and I never even knew it existed.
- I like to read about food.
- That's right, the restaurant.
With Morning Dust,
Morning Dew, whatever.
I'm sorry,
but she has a very funny name.
Yeah, all right.
So why don't you tell me about your
location? Is there a lot of traffic?
- Parking good?
- Don't have one yet.
Don't have one? What kind of cuisine?
- Not sure.
- Really? Are you well capitalised?
You know, you are
a little bit tilted here, so...
Avoiding.
So the restaurant thing, it's...
I wish more women wore hats.
Some women can wear hats
and some women can't,
but you definitely can wear hats.
Thank you. Can we please go back
to talking about your business?
Only if we must.
I have to be honest,
the whole thing is sounding a bit vague.
Hey, Jen, guess what?
My whole life's a bit vague.
- You don't wanna talk about this.
- No.
No, I didn't think so.
Now, look, there's a great bakery
I read about just up the street.
- We got the turkey!
- Yes, we did.
You don't even read them?
I know who they're from.
OK.
RALPH: Jen, get in here!
Coming, Uncle Ralph!
What's up, Uncle Ralph?
Look at this. Denver is still snowed in.
...settling in for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
What happens
if his plane doesn't take off tomorrow?
We said one night.
You would kick him out on Christmas Eve?
Don't start with me, honestly.
(Doorbell)
- Go.
- I'm watching you.
You are evil.
Hi. Jen, can I show you something?
Uh... OK.
- It's red.
- Huh. Yes, it is.
I... I brought you a white one.
Wow, that is so thoughtful of you.
No, thanks.
It's an old Portuguese tradition based
on the legend of the one red candle,
which obviously I'm sure you remember.
Brings good luck.
We have an extra one in here,
if you're interested.
Merry Christmas.
There's...no such thing as the legend
of the one red candle, is there?
I'm sure there is, somewhere.
But you put the bulb in
on purpose, right?
Yeah.
And you know that that is going to
drive her absolutely nuts.
I had the general idea, yes.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
(Snoring)
(Snoring continues)
Whoa. That is a lot of Christmas
for this room.
Wow.
(Clattering)
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was wondering how long you were gonna
be able to deal with the snoring.
Well, I've heard worse.
Wow. Lot of friends.
- You really know all these people?
- Of course.
- Who is Edmund Cole?
- He is, um...
Edmund is...
You know, it's a business thing, OK?
You wouldn't know him
if he walked in this room right now.
- Excuse me.
- Use that for a second.
- What are you doing?
- Simplifying.
Bernard Coletti.
Can you please
go and sleep on the couch?
- Who is Bernard Coletti?
- He's on the list, OK?
- He sends me a Christmas card.
- Which you throw in the trash.
What do you think
he's doing to yours, Jen?
Look at you. You're killing yourself.
For what?
- You know what? I'm going to bed.
- Look, I know it's none of my business.
- Bingo.
- But you're doing Christmas all wrong.
Do you remember when you were a kid
and you waited for it all year?
And it wasn't just the presents.
It was the fact that...I don't know,
everyone just seemed a little...nicer.
All those silly little traditions
that meant so much.
Now everyone just blows it
out of proportion,
gets all stressed out and angry.
Every year I hear someone say,
"I can't wait for Christmas to be over."
For me, the saddest day of the year
is December 26th.
Are you through?
Yes.
You know, it must be wonderful
to have no responsibilities
and just flit from country to country,
job to job.
To be honest, you know,
there's a part of me that envies that.
But I have a little boy upstairs
and a house and a job
and, OK, yes,
maybe I overdo things a little bit.
But you know what? That is my business.
And I really do not appreciate
getting a lecture from you in my house
at 1:30 in the morning
about what I'm doing wrong.
You are absolutely right.
That was uncalled for and it was rude.
If it wasn't for you,
I'd be sleeping on the airport floor.
I'm sorry.
Really, I am.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Night.
Ow!
What happened? Are you OK?
I sat on your nutcracker.
(Jennifer giggles)
What?
Serves you right.
You should be more careful.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
(Gasps)
That's what happens when you buy frozen.
Richard, she can't even make a turkey!
Oh boy, oh boy.
My mother and father
are going to be so disappointed.
Ho, ho, ho!
You messed up Christmas, Jennifer.
I'm taking back all the presents.
(Screams)
(Sighs)
(Sizzling)
Mm. What smells so good?
Morgan made pancakes.
Wait until you try these.
Now, the secret is to leave the batter
just a little lumpy.
If you whip it too smooth,
it loses texture.
We're almost out of eggs.
Oh.
- Huh?
- Mm.
That's good.
I could make these for you
if you wanted me to.
(Laughter)
- Why is that so funny?
The cold front
that moved into the Rockies two days ago
has been causing headaches
for some holiday travellers.
Hey, Jen! You wanted the weather.
- Yes.
- Here it is.
- What is the weather like in Denver?
- ...snow and ice
and Denver airport not expected to
open until at least sometime tomorrow.
Travellers settling in
for a long winter's night.
Brr! I'm cold just thinking about it.
Wait a minute.
She did that same stupid joke yesterday.
And...was in the same dress.
Hm.
- What are you trying to do, hm?
- Me?
- Yes, you.
- Wow. I bet he makes a great turkey.
I can make my own stupid turkey.
Listen, Uncle Ralph,
he's not a bad guy, OK?
But this happens to be maybe
the most important Christmas of my life.
I cannot have some total stranger
sleeping at my house.
Good news for folks in Denver, who are
digging out from two feet of snow.
Denver international airport
has reopened...
Whoops.
Thank you.
So, uh, can I bum a ride to the airport?
- Does he really have to go?
- Yes, honey.
He has people
that are expecting him in Denver.
I'm sure he wants to be with them
for Christmas.
Hey, Brian.
It was really great to meet you.
You too.
Sorry I don't have a Christmas present.
- Well, the tree was pretty cool.
- Done.
Just don't let your mom
overdecorate it, OK?
- Yeah.
- Wanna see a little bit of green.
Hey.
RALPH: All right, big boy.
- Be very safe. Have a great trip.
- Thank you so much for everything.
- What?
- Nothing.
- I'm not looking at anything.
- Come on.
OK, listen,
you're gonna preheat the oven to 450.
- Right, 450.
- And, uh...
And then you're gonna wrap the bird
in tinfoil.
- I got it. Are you OK?
- Oh, no.
My passport.
I can't find my passport.
We don't have time to go to the house.
This is the last flight to Denver today.
Sorry, sir, but without
some sort of government-issued ID,
we can't let you on.
- Don't you have a driver's licence?
- When I was 18.
- What's your permanent address?
- That's up in the air right now.
Huh! He makes pancakes. Does that help?
- Nothing I can do.
- Look, it's gotta be at the house.
Let's go.
Please help me, OK? It's Christmas Eve.
I have got get this guy out of my house.
Why?
(Groans)
JENNIFER: Unbelievable.
Look, I'm really sorry about the
passport. I don't know what happened.
It must have fallen out of my coat.
I just have a lot to do today, you know?
I haven't wrapped the presents yet...
(Gasps)
Brian's bike!
I have to be there before noon.
Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- It's OK. Just relax.
Relax? Are you kidding me?
This is the only thing he asked for. He
doesn't believe in Santa Claus as it is.
If there is not a Rocketwheel
underneath the tree...
- I cannot believe I let this happen.
- We're gonna get him the bike.
How are we gonna get him the bike? The
store is totally and completely closed.
- It's Christmas tomorrow and he's...
- Jen, Jen.
I promise you I will get him that bike.
- OK.
- OK.
- You're not gonna break in, are you?
- That's an option.
But first I thought we would try that.
OK. In case of emergency.
It's definitely an emergency.
What's the number?
(Phone rings)
Chet, hi. This is Jennifer.
I'm at the store. I'm here for the bike.
- Yeah? Sorry, lady.
- What do you mean, "sorry, lady"?
- I already paid for it.
- Too bad.
- It's Christmas.
- Ooh, guess what? I hate Christmas!
Can't wait till it's over.
He hung up.
This is the only thing he wanted.
OK, look, just, uh...
Go hide across the street in the alley.
What? Why?
Because this place has an alarm,
a cheap one.
I used to install them.
Was that before or after
the turtle farm?
Just go hide across the street.
I am not going to jail on Christmas Eve.
Do you want the bike or not?
Oh, God.
- What are you gonna do?
- Go, go.
(Alarm rings)
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go! Just go!
Move over. Move.
I can't, there's no room,
unless you wanna climb on top of me.
Don't.
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Just wait. It shouldn't be long.
(Sighs)
This is so not part of my plan today.
Threw out your whole list, did it?
Sorry. Sorry.
(Siren wails)
Now what?
OK, just wait.
There you are in a couple of years. Hm.
MORGAN: I don't have a tattoo.
Do you have any idea what percentage
of restaurants fail within 18 months?
You really have to discuss my future
right beside the garbage bins?
The symbolism's a bit much.
I really don't think you have any idea
what you're getting yourself into.
Does what's-her-name
even have any experience?
- Not that kind of experience.
- Oh, sorry.
Granted, I don't know the Denver
markets, but startup costs alone...
- Something'll work out.
- Something will work out?
There's a business plan.
Something'll work out.
CHET: Sorry you had to come down here.
Look, I'm not gonna stomp
on your dreams. I'm sorry.
You know, I hope everything
works out for you. I do.
It's just that I analyse corporations
and all I'm saying is I'm good at it.
And this restaurant thing of yours,
I could hardly recommend to investors.
- Come on. We're on.
- What?
Come on, come on, come on.
JENNIFER: Um, slow.
Hello, cars, ice, heels.
Hey. Listen, since you're here,
why don't you just give us the bike?
Should have known it was you.
Forget it.
Hey, open the door,
give us the bike and you can go.
(Chuckles)
Just forget about it, Morgan. It's fine.
Hey.
You and me in the alley.
I win, you give us the bike.
You win, you get the bike and the money.
- You got a deal.
- Good.
It is not even your money.
Oh! I can't believe this.
All right, let's go.
- Come on.
- You ready for this?
- Oh, yeah.
- Is this really necessary?
I got this.
What are you, one of those
black belt guys or something?
You're gonna find out.
(Laughs)
- Do you mind? It's kind of a custom.
- No, I don't mind. Here's your bow.
I had to do it. He's bigger than me.
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!
That was amazing.
(Groans)
OK, well, why don't we hide this
in the garage?
- Yeah, perfect.
- Cool.
Listen, I just wanna say thank you.
I don't know what I would have done.
And despite the fact that this was
definitely not on my list today,
um...I had fun.
Wow. You know, I think that is actually
the first time I have seen you smile.
- Hey, I smile.
- No.
I do. I smile a lot.
You're just, you know...
You're catching me at kind of a...
a tough time.
OK. Well, when's a good time?
- December 26th.
- Oh!
I know, I know,
it's your least favourite day.
- Mm-hm.
- But, um...
I guess I'm just Scrooge.
No. No, you are definitely not Scrooge.
You just need to learn
how to do Christmas.
Uh, OK, well,
let's put this in the garage, then.
OK.
- He's not there, is he?
- Got it?
Yeah.
Does this passport look familiar?
You lifted it, didn't you?
Are you accusing your uncle?
Yes, I am, and surprisingly the words
are rolling right off my tongue.
- You have any witnesses?
- What are you doing?
Why would you do this?
I just thought that this guy Morgan
was really good for you,
as a matter of fact,
and I can tell that he likes you.
What are we, in seventh grade?
Look, Jenny, you have always been...
What is the word I'm looking for?
- Easy.
- A very cautious girl, right?
And Richard is a very safe, nice bet.
And I'm saying that maybe it is time
for you to break out, to take a risk.
Look, this is crazy, OK?
He's a virtual stranger.
And Richard is a wonderful man.
He's kind and strong and stable and...
he's solid.
Wow. He sounds like a bookcase.
I'm not gonna mess this up.
Tomorrow Mr Morgan Derby
gets on an airplane
before Richard's parents get here.
- No more games. Promise me.
- I promise.
OK.
Let me ask you a question.
It's very, very close to Christmas Eve.
(Squeals)
Would you like to wear
your Christmas gift?
Oh, wow.
Do you remember these?
Of course I do.
Aunt Margaret used to let me
hold them up to my ears.
I took a picture of that.
And then she would let you
put on her make-up, huh?
- I still think about her every day.
- So do I.
Especially at this time of year.
You know, I see a decoration,
I hear a Christmas song
and all these memories
come rushing back,
millions of them,
stuff I thought I forgot.
35 Christmases.
Sure you want me to take these?
You don't wanna keep them?
Aunt Margaret would be so happy
to know you have them.
Besides, they would look
a little gauche on me.
Silly.
Thank you.
- I'm gonna check 'em out.
- Yeah.
They look so beautiful on your ears.
Wow. Think they're pretty?
Oh, my goodness. You look gorgeous.
- Uncle Ralph.
- Yeah.
- Will you do me a favour?
- What?
Just give Richard a chance, OK?
- He's not a bad guy.
- Done.
Thanks.
I just wish he would loosen up
his tighty whities.
I heard that.
(Chuckles)
OK.
Hey, careful.
You're gonna kill yourself.
- I can steady it. You got it?
- Yeah. Um...
I weigh more, so...why don't I hold it?
Perfect.
So, what are
your Christmas Eve traditions?
Uh, last-minute shopping, I guess.
I could still make some cookies.
All the great Christmas specials
are on tonight.
Um, actually, I'm going out.
Really?
Yeah, I have a dinner party.
Who has a dinner party on Christmas Eve?
Richard's parents.
Oh. OK.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Just a generic "oh".
Uh-huh. It's just a little family thing.
- A couple of business friends.
- Wow. Sounds like fun.
What do you think? Does it look good?
Everything's great.
Um, great. Well, then,
I should probably go and get ready.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
RALPH: Have a good time.
- Will do.
So how do I look?
Wow.
Um, you look lovely.
Thank you. So do you.
Not lovely.
Whatever the male equivalent is.
You look really good.
Yeah, well, Christmas Eve, I thought
I should, you know, dress up a little.
Listen, Jen, um...this has been
one of the best Christmases I've had
in a really long time.
I guess I forgot how nice it was
to be around a family.
I just wanted to say thank you.
No, I should thank you.
You're not nearly as obnoxious
as I thought you were.
Yeah, I kind of grow on people.
I wish you didn't have to
go out tonight.
Yeah, well, um... You know...plans.
Right. Plans.
(Knocking)
- I can go... I can hide in my room.
- No, of course not.
This is my house and you are my guest.
(Knocking)
Coming.
- Hi.
- Hey. Your wreath fell.
- You can just stick it right there.
- Wow. You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Richard, Morgan. Morgan, Richard.
Night, boys. I won't be late.
- Good night!
- Bye, Mom.
- Aren't you the lighting guy?
- At that point in history, yes, yeah.
No, no, I'm just a friend of the family.
Right.
- We should go.
- Yes.
- Good night.
- Good night.
JENNIFER: Thank you.
You just gonna let this guy move in?
He's a friend of my uncle's.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Is he gonna be here tomorrow night?
- My parents might find this a bit odd.
- Look, he's on standby for a plane.
If he doesn't make it, then your parents
are just gonna have to deal with it.
- Mother, Father.
- Darlings.
- I'm looking forward to that turkey.
- Yes, so am I.
- You're looking lovely.
- Thank you. You as well.
- Did Richard give you those earrings?
- Oh, no, actually. These belonged...
They're very retro, aren't they?
Well, I'm sure
he can do something with them.
- Let's get a drink.
- Yes.
BRIAN: I call.
- All right, read 'em and weep.
- Two eights.
- Ah. Jacks and threes.
Full house.
I'm getting really sad
that I taught you this game.
What do you keep staring at in there?
What's going on?
Well, I really wanna believe in Santa,
but the whole thing's hard to believe.
Hm.
Like he comes down the chimney, right?
- Right.
- OK.
- But what if there's a fire going?
- Well...
Then he has...a fire extinguisher
attached to his sleigh.
Well, some of the older boys said
at school that Santa Claus wasn't real,
and I just really wanna
believe in him and all,
but the whole thing's
sort of impossible.
Brian, will you do me a huge favour?
Just relax. I mean,
it's Christmas and you're a kid.
This is the greatest night of the year.
Greatest. Tell you what.
Let's stop playing cards.
You go upstairs,
brush your pearly whites,
put on some PJs,
we'll do something else.
- How about watch Rudolph?
- Great idea.
I myself will have a red nose
by the time you come down.
Um, he's very serious, isn't he?
Well, he's like his mother.
- Say, Ralph...
- Mm-hm?
Are you in
if we pull a little con on the kid?
Keep talking.
- Well, I'm gonna go outside...
- Mm-hm.
- And that's what happened.
- Just one more Christmas story?
- Real or fantasy?
- Real.
OK. All right, here it is, here it is.
I used to arrest this guy
named Chichi Barelli, all right?
This guy used to dress up as an elf,
if you could believe it,
and he would like rob liquor stores.
And he was tubby. He was a tubby elf.
I'm not kidding.
And every time he would run down
the same subway station,
run down the stairs
in his pointy little shoes,
get on that train
and the door would close.
(Bells jingling)
- What was that?
Shh. I think he's here.
If he thinks you're not sleeping,
he is gonna skip the joint.
(Thudding)
- What was that noise?
That is a very big elf.
Turn over. Turn over.
No, no! No, no, no, no! Oh, no.
Shh, shh, shh. Don't say anything.
I think he's here.
Turn around. Go to sleep.
Don't get out of that bed.
Ho-ho! What you're gonna get
in the morning, huh?
(Groans)
Coming. Oh, my goodness.
- Get in here.
- Did he buy it?
Yeah, hook, line and sinker.
How are you?
- I'm not too good.
- I'm gonna go get you a heating pad.
OK. Hey, get me
some of your special eggnog.
Yeah, I will, I will.
(Indistinct business talk)
I remember when we decided
to expand the business.
There were a lot of intangibles
to take into consideration.
You have to be aware of...
- Hey, you OK?
- Hm?
- All right?
- Yeah. Are you OK?
Yeah.
I gotta stop him or he'll talk forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have
your attention for a moment, please.
Father, sorry for interrupting
your story.
Now that we're all gathered here,
family and friends,
I have an announcement to make.
Jennifer...will you marry me?
(Gasping)
WOMAN: Isn't that romantic?
(Coughs)
WOMAN: Is she all right?
MAN: I'd like to propose a toast.
(Front door opens)
- Hi.
- Hey.
Is Brian already asleep?
Sort of. You might wanna check on him.
- Night.
- OK.
- I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
- OK.
Morgan, I'd like to talk to you
for a minute.
OK.
Jen and I were engaged tonight.
Wow. Um... Congratulations.
Thank you.
That being the case, and I don't wanna
be rude, tomorrow we'd like to celebrate
and it might be a little awkward
if you're still around.
So I'd like to offer you
a hotel room of your choice
at the airport until you leave,
on me, of course.
Christmas present.
Do you mind if I speak to Jen?
No, please.
Uncle Ralph was telling me
Christmas stories.
Then we heard a big bang on the roof.
And then we heard bells.
Bells? Oh, my gosh! What kind of bells?
What did it sound like?
- Morgan, I was just telling Mom...
- I know, I know.
Don't let me interrupt.
I just wanted to say good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- We'll see you in the morning.
- Yeah.
JENNIFER: So what was the...
You don't need to get me a hotel room.
It's Christmas Eve. I'll have
my pick of spots at the airport.
It's really no problem.
I can write it off.
Yeah.
Got all your stuff?
That's it.
Mom, wake up! It's Christmas!
Get up.
I'm up. Merry Christmas.
He brought it, Mom!
Santa Claus brought it!
He brought the Rocketwheel!
Of course he did. He's Santa.
Oh, my gosh. It's so cool.
I don't smell any coffee, Morgan.
Morgan?
RALPH: What's all the yelling here
on this Christmas morning?
- Huh?
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
- Where's Morgan?
- Well, he's not upstairs.
He's gone, Mom.
He left me a ring and this.
"You'll grow into it.
Merry Christmas. Morgan."
Come here. That was nice of him
to leave that, huh?
Don't be sad. Come here.
That was really nice of him
to leave you a present, right?
But more importantly on Christmas,
who else leaves you presents?
- Santa.
- Uh-huh. Now, let's open these gifts.
Good idea. Let's see.
Which one are we gonna open first?
All passengers for flight 117 to Denver,
please proceed to gate 11B.
How rude is that, honestly?
He just takes off?
What, no goodbye? No thank you? Nothing?
He has the classic Peter Pan syndrome.
Good riddance.
Brian was very excited
about Santa last night, huh?
He thought he heard something
on the roof.
- He heard Morgan on the roof.
- That was Morgan?
Yeah.
So that thoughtless, irresponsible guy
nearly killed himself last night
falling off the top of your roof,
trying to teach your kid
that, yes, there is a Santa Claus.
So, please, do not badmouth him
in front of me, OK?
Oh, wow.
- Aren't these...
(Doorbell)
These are beautiful.
RICHARD: Hello!
- Hello!
- Merry Christmas.
- How are you?
- Merry Christmas, darling.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Ralph.
- My parents. Winnie, Stephen.
- Hello, Ralph.
Uncle Ralph. This is Brian.
- Brian, hello. How are you?
- Turkey smells great, Jennifer.
Thank you.
Oh, Brian, there's a present for you
in my jacket pocket. I hope you like it.
JENNIFER: Let's see what this is.
- Mom.
- Yes.
- This is for you.
- No. That's not for you, Jen.
- That's...
- It's got my name on it. Sneaky.
Would you excuse us
for just a minute, please?
WINNIE: Of course.
Brian, why don't you go up
and feed Skippy?
Uncle Ralph, his name is Skip.
Yeah, right, him too.
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Come on in. Sit down, please.
- Thank you.
- Feel comfortable.
- Thank you.
- Jennifer, I can explain this, OK?
- Yes, you should explain.
Are you gonna explain
what this is about?
I just didn't feel
it was very appropriate for Morgan...
Appropriate? To what?
Write a very nice thank-you note?
Because that's what this is.
Do you wanna read it?
- No, I would never read your mail.
- But you would steal my mail.
It's completely inappropriate.
Do you know how childish that is?
- Uh, Richard's a jeweller?
- Mm-hm.
I knew a lot of jewellers
cos my beat was Brooklyn.
The street was lined with jewellers,
every one of them a thief.
I'm not calling your son Richard
a thief.
These guys, you yawn, boop!
They steal your fillings.
JENNIFER: This is my house.
I can let anybody stay here who I want.
RICHARD: Yeah, it's your house.
- How dare you pull that stunt.
- What stunt?
How could you propose to me
in front of a house full of strangers?
- I don't even know those people.
- I thought it would be exciting.
People do it at baseball games
all the time.
Baseball games?
Those people are idiots, Richard.
Christmas Eve is supposed to be
the most beautiful night of the year.
I've never been so bored in all my life!
Well, like father like son, huh?
- What?
- Shiny shoes.
- You like shiny shoes too.
- Yeah.
Very important in the business world,
I would imagine.
Mom, Dad, there's been a change
of plans. We're gonna head out.
What's going on?
Wait.
Don't forget this.
Oh, my.
Bye, Jennifer.
Mom, Dad, please.
- Ralph.
- Richard.
What about the turkey? It's Christmas.
- I don't wanna eat Chinese.
- Go. We're not having dinner here.
RALPH: Happy holidays.
What have I done?
I just broke up with Richard over a guy
who's not even here any more.
Well, I think the best way to live life
is to take a risk.
So why don't you get off your tush
and go find him?
Oh, right. What am I supposed to do,
run to the airport on Christmas Day
and hope that maybe, possibly,
I just happen to run into him?
- Sounds good to me.
- It's crazy, Uncle Ralph.
I think it is, yeah.
So...go and do it.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- Right now?
- Just like that.
Come here.
Listen to me, the timer is set.
- The turkey comes out at 1:15.
- 1:15.
- Do not touch it.
- Don't touch it.
Thank you.
Now, this is my kind of Christmas.
Passengers on flight 117 for Denver.
Boarding is now beginning at gate 11B.
You can't go through security
without a boarding pass.
I don't want to get on a plane. I'm just
trying to get somebody else off.
OK, OK. Let me get this straight.
This is the same guy from yesterday?
The guy you wanted out of your house?
I know, OK? I know.
Listen, it's absolutely crazy, OK?
I only met the guy 48 hours ago,
and, yes, in the beginning
he was driving me completely nuts.
But he's great. He's great with my son.
My uncle loves him.
My uncle doesn't like anyone, OK?
He's funny, he can cook, he stuck it
to my neighbour, which was really great.
He's...beautiful.
The funny thing is, I haven't liked
Christmas since I was a little girl,
and when he came,
he just made everything feel...
..really special.
He just knows how to do Christmas,
you know?
I don't even know why I'm crying.
I barely know this person.
I have never done anything
this crazy in my life, I promise you,
but I just had to take the risk.
Because this might be
my only chance, otherwise...
..I may never see him again.
And I really want to.
Please, can you just check for me?
His name is Morgan Derby.
He's on the flight to Denver.
That is her.
That's me she's talking about.
Here.
Excuse me. I gotta go.
According to this, they already boarded.
- They did?
- Sorry.
Thank you.
Jen!
- Ah!
- Please, Uncle Ralph.
Please, just one little bite.
Hey, don't I wish!
But you know she will kill us.
She did a great job, you know,
didn't she? Wow, is that beautiful!
(Car horn)
She found him!
- Morgan!
- Hey, mister. Welcome back.
RALPH: Come on! Now it's a holiday!
...the most wonderful time
Of the year