The Movie Out Here (2012) Movie Script
# Someday you'll remember me
# And picture my face
# Someday you may smile at me
# And I'll walk away
# Yesterday I needed a buck
# Today I needed a bank
# But I know
who was always there #
# It's me that I had to thank
# And I wanna say
# Picture my face
# Yeah, I gotta say
# Kiss my face
# Someday you'll remember me
# And picture my face
# Someday you may smile at me
# And I'll walk away
# Yesterday I needed love
# Today I need some hate
# But I know who
was always there #
# Now, baby, it's too late
# And I wanna say
# Picture my face
# Yeah, I gotta say
# Well, kiss kiss my face #
Hey, Clare, what's up?
When are we going to actually
plan this wedding?
We have to get
this seating plan done.
Have you even looked at it?
Babe, I'm sorry,
I'm just really busy.
I feel like all of this
is falling on my shoulders.
I feel like your secretary.
You think that
you can just take off,
And everything is going to just
magically happen.
Honey, it's not a good time.
I can't talk, okay?
I hate
to break it to you, Adam,
But it just
doesn't work like that.
And you know what else
might come to a surprise
Is that there's actually
no little magical fucking elves
That are going to make
the little seating chart
To make sure that
your perverted aunt
Doesn't end up sitting
on the face of my drunken uncle!
No! That falls on me, Adam.
That falls on me!
And you know what,
I am not an elf!
I'm not a fuckin' elf!
No...
I am not an elf.
I don't even give a fuck!
But until then,
you need to help me out!
Okay. Okay, I promise you
I'll look at it, okay?
Okay.
I love you.
I said I love you!
It's just,
not a great time to talk.
Fucking say it!
I love you.
Aw...
I can't talk right now.
It's not a good time.
Well, call me back.
No excuses.
Well...
looks like you've really
jammed it up this time, Gary.
Hi, Edith.
Yeah, I can't seem to fit
my fingers in here.
It's really tight.
Hmm.
If I had a dime...
come here.
Come on, give mommy
some of the good stuff.
Well, if you're gonna
work it like that,
You've got to expect
a little extra attention.
I wasn't "working it," Edith.
You look like a man-Whore.
I'm just trying to get
some work done here.
What's going on with
that strip mall in Calgary?
Just some noise bylaw concerns.
From a strip mall?
Yeah, well they opened
a new T.L. Poppers restaurant,
And some other place called
"rub you long time,"
Some kind of massage parlour.
What's the world coming to
When you can't even get
cheese fries and a handjob
In the same place?
Got me.
Anyway, I should be able
to get it pushed through.
Might have to pay off
one of the city councilors.
Where the fuck are you going?
I have to go to the bathroom.
I think I've become
lactose intolerant.
Well, maybe if you ate
a little bit less,
You could control your bowels.
Now, what's going on with that
500-Unit hotel development
In fernie?
Well, we've had some resistance
from some of the locals,
But we found a way around
their zoning by-Law
By filing an injunction.
Now, that's my boy.
I want you to hand-Deliver
that injunction
To fernie city hall, asap.
No, Edith, come on.
You know I hate flying.
Sorry, Gary,
Does the seat cushion
irritate your pussy?
I have an ear infection.
I can't fly.
More like a yeast infection.
Fine, go get a pap smear.
I have a great obgyn.
He'll fist you
if you ask nicely.
Hey, why don't you send Adam
To file the injunction, huh?
He's from fernie.
I can't do it, man.
I'm busy.
I am not sending Adam
because it's your fucking file,
And you're fucking going.
Nice cock, Adam.
I like a little hoodie.
Don't see them often enough.
Ugh, Jesus, that's disgusting.
I just lost my hard-On.
Ow, ow, ow, ow... ooh!
Be in my office
in three minutes,
And go see a proctologist.
Oh, it's like feathery worms.
Hey, Adam,
You wouldn't mind going
to fernie for me, would you?
Normally, I would,
but I'm totally swamped.
Ow, I think that's a placenta.
I think it just winked at me.
Gary, I don't actually need
the play-By-Play.
I don't remember
eating diarrhea.
Oh, yeah.
How's the wedding planning
coming along?
Are you okay?
My-My chest.
Quit fucking around, man.
I can't go to fernie, all right?
Gary?
Gary?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god.
Security.
Dave.
Hey, it's Adam.
Uh, Gary Bennett's
having a heart attack.
I'm in the 17th-Floor washroom.
Can you send an ambulance?
I've got a defibrillator
right here.
I'll send someone up.
Thank you.
Hi, hon'.
I thought you said you were
going to call me right back?
Look, I'll get
to the seating plan,
I'm just sort of
in the middle of something?
Oh, so you love your job
more than you love me?
Fine.
You want to talk about
the seating plan?
Let's talk
About the seating plan.
What do you want
to talk about first?
# Well, I'm on my way
# To the city lights...
this is where
the old woman was sitting.
This is where sasquatch
smashed the window here.
A stylish
contemporary kitchen...
and a flower arrangement
on the dining room table?
Damn it, Cathy.
Who's Cathy?
My new girl.
I had her take these.
She has a keen eye
for photography,
But she's also taking a course
In interior design.
Well, the report says
Nothing but beer was
stolen from the place.
Apparently, the woman
was too freaked out
To be interviewed.
Hey, does Cathy
have black hair?
Yeah.
- Pierced eyebrow?
- Yeah.
Kind of oversized
puffy pepperoni nipples?
Gimme that.
And when did you get
that tattoo that says "pain"
On your back?
That ain't me.
What are you two jag offs
doing at my desk?
Sorry, chief.
We were just looking at
graphic anatomical photos
Of Glacier's
cheating girlfriend.
Would you guys remind me again
Which one is Glacier
And which one is fresh?
He is.
I'm Fresh.
I don't give a fuck
Which one is Glacier
And which one is fresh!
What the fuck is going on?
We were just going over
The latest sasquatch
crime scene photos, sir.
I know you Creston guys
Like your creepy
sasquatch fetish,
But now that you've transferred
to my unit,
You'll be marching
to my orders, comprende?
With all due respect, sir...
You're in fernie now.
This is the real world.
But in the re...
Hey! You speak
when I tell you!
Yes, sir.
I'm watching you two fuckers.
So, what about sasquatch?
Am I sleeping?
I must be sleeping
Because I just had a dream
Where I told you two bozos
To stop talking about
the sasquatch.
I usually get a boner
when I sleep.
Well, it's not there all night.
I'm not too sure if it is,
But it's definitely there
when I wake up.
It's your testosterone.
It peaks early mornings.
That's why
you wake up like that.
I read it in owl magazine.
You read about boners
in a kid's science magazine?
Maybe it wasn't owl.
It was something science-Y.
Popular science?
Will you two shut the fuck up!
Got it!
What we have here
is a break and enter.
A petty beer theft
Involving
a traumatized geriatric.
Get her in,
Get the story firsthand.
Yes, sir.
We're on it.
Remember, she's still in shock.
Take her statement,
And act like
fucking professionals.
Understand?
We won't let you down, sir.
Shut the fuck up.
You're just lucky
you've got great hair.
I want to fuck that hair.
Is it weird that
I want to fuck that hair?
No.
Clear!
Okay, Clare,
I got to call you back.
Gary, what the hell
are you doing?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Is he dead this time?
Well, he appears to be
breathing out of his ass.
You poor little fat teddy bear.
Adam, you're going to
have to go to fernie.
Do it for Gary,
may he rest in peace.
He's not dead.
Yet.
Isn't there anyone else?
I'll ask around.
Gary!
You bloated unhealthy fuck!
Can you fly your almost-Dead
fat ass to fernie
To file those papers?
Nope.
Looks like Gary can't make it.
Have a nice flight.
I'm sorry
I can't get out of it.
I'll only in fernie
till Monday.
Well, I see where
your priorities lie.
You just want to go up there
And party with
your loser friend, Theo.
Look, I've got
another call coming in
That I got to take.
No, don't you hang up on me...
Love you.
Hey, Jason.
Hello? Jason?
Jason!
Hello?
Hey, man, what's going on?
Hello?
Who is this?
It's Adam.
Oh, hey, what's up, Adam?
How you doing, baby?
Look, I'm kind of busy
right now, man.
You called me.
Are you okay?
Are you jogging or something?
Oh, shit, you know what?
Man, I pocket-Dialed you,
But with my penis.
My dick pocket-Dialed you.
That's crazy...
awesome.
Yeah, oh, yeah...
yeah, it is awesome.
Here, let me get your shoe.
Yeah...
yo, man, where you at, son?
I'm in a plane
on my way to fernie.
Oh, that's crazy!
I'm scheduled
to fly to Calgary today.
We should totally hook up.
Sorry, man, I don't have time.
Okay, cool.
I will meet you out in fernie.
How about that?
Isn't it kind of expensive
For you just to fly in
for the weekend?
Oh, baby... Man,
I'm a flight attendant.
Means I can fly
anywhere I want to fly.
Do you think I took this job
for the shiny gold wings?
Watch my wings, baby.
I thought you took the job
So that you can have, uh,
sex with the stewardesses.
I'm insulted by that, man.
How shallow do you think I am?
That depends.
Are you with a stewardess
right now?
Whoa, not the bum, girl,
not the bum!
Aw...
anyway, don't come...
Uh...
don't come to fernie.
I've got a lot of things...
I don't have time to see you,
all right?
Do not come.
No, fernie,
no cuming in fernie.
All right,
I'll talk to you later, man.
I really gots to go.
See ya later.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
You okay?
It's no problem.
Would you mind holding Morris
for me for a sec?
Oh.
Okay.
We called him Morris, you know,
Like that cat
from the commercials?
We didn't have a name
for him for weeks,
But then realized
he just loves milk...
I mean, he keeps sucking on me
Like a vacuum.
My nipples get
really chafed, you know?
You look really familiar.
Are you from fernie?
Originally, yeah,
but I moved to Toronto.
You used to hang out
with Theo, right?
I'm friends with
his older sister.
Annie.
Annie Benson.
Annie. Hi.
Hi.
Right. Annie.
Wow.
You have got to say hi
to Theo for me.
He must be
really successful now.
I thought he'd be
some sort of ceo
Or neurosurgeon.
He was always so bright.
He failed the fourth grade...
And uh, and the seventh,
And the eighth.
Means nothing.
Albert Eisenstein failed school
And then went on to become
the greatest physicist
Of the 20th century.
How do you think he did that?
I have no idea.
How do you think he came up
with e equals mc-Two?
You think he slept
his way to the top?
No, I, uh...
you do, don't you?
You think he fucked his way
into the Nobel prize,
And someone else came up with
The theory of negativity.
Theo...
was a genius.
Can you see anything?
Not yet, Theo.
Keep relaxing.
You're feeling all the energy
coming out of your fingertips
Onto your...
shag carpet.
Is there any more food?
Check the fridge, dude.
I think I'm starting
to feel it now.
Do you see anything?
Uh...
your energy is brown.
I knew it.
We need at least
12 more sessions.
12?
I thought you said we'd be done
in, like, four sessions.
You want to walk around
with a brown aura?
12 sessions.
I don't know
if I have the money for that.
Stop your negativity.
Classic brown aura behaviour.
Sorry.
I've gotta stop being so brown.
Hey, you wanna hang out?
I got that high-Speed
internet connection
That you wanted me to get.
Uh...
I'll come back in a while,
Maybe when you're not around.
Really?
I have a lot of
downloading to do.
I don't want to
monopolize your time.
Cool.
Door's always open.
Seriously?
I know you have work to do.
You won't even notice me.
How did you find me?
I tailed you from the airport.
Why?
I've just always
wanted to do that.
I jumped in the cab,
And I was like,
"follow that car!"
Okay.
That's kind of weird.
No, it's cool.
What... in the fuck?
What kind of backward-Ass
hotel is this?
This is my friend Theo's place.
He waxes snowboards and skis.
I think your friend
is homeless, dawg.
He's not.
I think he is.
What's up, bitches?
Is that Theo?
No.
I think Theo just got robbed.
Theo!
Adam!
Awesome!
Theo. This is Jason.
He's a good buddy
of mine from Toronto.
Yongo nanimaska.
Hey, man, uh, dude, what
the fuck is that smell, man?
It smells like someone
mixed cinnamon with-
With asshole.
I'm sorry, I'm just
burning some incense.
I got it from
my spiritual counsellor.
Spiritual counsellor?
Yeah, and personal trainer.
He's been giving me a lot of
great stretching routines.
I'm like an inch taller now.
I feel really limber.
I'm not saying
that you will or do,
But are you capable
of sucking on your own dick?
This guy.
I love him.
Anyway, what are
you guys doing here?
This is crazy.
I'm here on business.
Why are you always talking
about business, man?
Come on, what you got
to do all weekend?
I have to file
a paper at city hall.
And I'm planning
a wedding all weekend.
You need to relax, man.
Just come have one beer.
Cool, yeah.
I was just going to
shut down for the day
Anyway, so...
what the...
Let me help you out there.
It's not going to bite.
I have plenty of room
for you guys
If you want to stay.
And I have really good
internet now, too, so...
thanks, Theo, man.
I'm good anywhere.
There's a room in the back.
It's like it was made for you.
You do know
I'm not Japanese, right?
As if.
Really?
Okay. Maybe
We should get out of here.
See, that's what
I'm talking about.
Y'all two can
show me your town.
Yeah, that sounds good.
It'll help me shake
this whole brown aura thing
I got going on.
Brown?
What's wrong with brown?
You just need to get
some fuckin' clothes on.
That's what you need to do.
Nothing wrong with brown,
something wrong with that.
This guy, I love it.
I'll be right back.
Not Japanese...
hmm.
That's Theo.
Mm-Hmm.
Serial killer Theo.
Nice.
He's not like that, man.
He's a good guy.
Yeah, I know there's a freezer
Full of asses and lips
downstairs, trust me.
He had a heart attack
on the toilet.
I was just scooching
underneath the door.
It's called
mouth-To-Mouth, man,
Not mouth to ass.
Come on.
Well, I'll be back in a sec.
Gotta pinch
a little brown aura?
Yeah.
I'm surprised you're
friends with that dude.
He is seriously...
what's the word
I'm looking for?
Oh, yeah, "fucked up."
Just give him a chance.
Hey, he's your friend,
so he's my friend, okay?
But for real?
My man looks like
a hairy basketball with teeth.
You know maybe
this wasn't such a good idea.
I'm exhausted.
Hey, man, that's the problem
with you being engaged.
Your dick has no reason
to be in here.
You need to trick your dick
Into thinking
that you're not engaged.
Now, check out
that girl right there.
You go talk to that girl,
That will confuse your dick.
Sow the seeds of doubt
into your dick's mind.
Yeah, I'm going to
go to Theo's,
And I'm going to go to sleep.
What's your problem, man?
Have one drink.
You said one drink.
Let's go.
Okay, one drink,
That doesn't mean
I'm going to talk to her.
One drink, then you're
going to talk to her.
Ow!
You should watch
where you're going...
Oh, my god.
Danielle!
Yes!
It's been forever.
How are you?
Really good.
Really surprised
to see you here.
You look great.
You too.
You know, I don't know
how ugly you were before,
But god damn,
you banging now, girl.
You hot as shit!
Thank you, whoever you are.
This is a buddy of mine, Jason.
Hey, Jason.
Hey, Danielle!
Hey, Theo!
Hi. Hi. Hi.
You remember Adam?
Yeah, of course.
So, how long are you guys
in town for?
A weekend.
I'm here on business.
What about you?
You still live here?
Yeah.
Well, I left for a few years
To go to university.
Thank you, Theo.
But turns out my degree
Helped me get a job
And landed me
right back here in fernie, so...
very cool.
Oh, great.
What?
I'm sure you remember Mick
From high school.
Oh, unfortunately, I do.
Well, well, well,
If it isn't tweedle dee,
tweedle dum,
And tweedle...
black guy I don't know.
What are you in town for,
turd-Eating contest?
Yeah, you know what?
I'm very concerned about
the town you come from.
I'm 'a leave you
And Freddie mercury's
love child
To deal with it.
Have fun, excuse me.
Hey, Danielle.
We should bang sometime.
I'll put the "yell!"
Into "Danielle."
And I'll put my vagina
in your dick.
Sorry to hear
About your waxing shit-Opolis.
If you need work,
Daddy has some asbestos
he needs removed
From his factory loft project.
No? No takers?
Well, fuck you very much then.
Not you, Danielle.
If you know what I mean, huh?
Feed you some oats.
Why don't you
Turn around immediately,
Walk out that door
Before I kick your nuts
Up into that shit-Tub
you call a brain.
And take your creepy
Quasimodo with you.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I'll suck your dick off.
What?
Wow.
Yeah, that happens
every Friday.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
Can you believe
he still lives here?
Hey, everybody,
This is Connie,
Sylvia, and carol.
Yeah, I've managed
to talk myself
Into their little book club.
We talking about Moby dick
tonight, ain't we, girls?
Theo, can we get some drinks
for the ladies?
- Right.
- Thanks, brother.
I'm starting to like
your little backward-Assed town.
We're going to go back
to Cynthia's place
And discuss how my protagonist
Can fit into each one
of their back stories.
Some drinks!
We need to get some alcohol.
My cougars be thirsty.
All right, let's move
that ho train out, girls.
Back to your place.
Drink till we forget.
All right, see you in a bit.
Why is it
When you say
it's going to be one drink,
It never is.
How did the ho train go?
Yeah, ho train got derailed.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Hey, Theo, what was Mick
talking about?
Everything's okay
at wax-Opolis, right?
Because from the way
he was talking,
It seemed like you might be
in a little bit of trouble.
"Trouble" is a very
"subjective" word.
What the fuck does that mean?
Essentially,
I believe that Mick's
idea of "trouble"
Is that I need to raise $15,000
To save the business.
15 grand?
Are you shitting me?
Theo, how did this happen?
Well, I did borrow some money.
For what?
I tried a few alternative
methods of making money
In the off-Season
That didn't really pan out.
Like what?
Mostly wax-Based
enterprises
Like candles,
And hair removal,
Like backs
and vaginas and such.
I'll bet.
Okay.
Let's go.
I'm bagged, and I've had
a really shitty day.
Theo, did it ever occur to you
That women might not
want rainman
Putting hot wax
on their pubic hair
And tearing it out and stuff?
This guy, I love it!
When do you need the money by?
Technically,
I have until Monday.
But not until 5:00 P.M.
Oh, well, you should
be fine, then.
Jesus Christ, how are you
so unfazed by this, Theo?
Something will happen.
It's karma,
the law of the universe.
Look, I would help out,
But all my money's tied up
in a condo down-Payment.
Yeah, and I would
help, too, but...
actually, no, I wouldn't
help you, brah.
You're a bit
of a fuck-Up, man.
Sorry.
What are you gonna do
if you lose the place?
I guess I'll live off the land,
And on the charity
of my fellow brethren.
That's a great strategy.
The hobo who lives in
the dumpster behind my office
Has the same business model.
Hey.
Why don't we have
the mother of all parties
And trash the place?
That's not a bad idea,
Except...
let's not
trash the place, right?
We'll just have
the mother of all parties.
20 bucks a head.
Or more.
Cash bar.
I think we can cover the debt.
Worst case scenario,
Boatloads of women,
And we have a licence
to print vagina.
What?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, look, I think
we have a good plan.
Mm-Hmm.
This could work.
Yeah!
I thought you were doing
some kung fu or something.
No.
Check it out, dudes.
Well,
That's real cool.
I really like
The guitar-Toting
snowboarding Jesus.
Hey, Theo,
I'm sorry to interrupt,
I have this, um, "situation."
Look at this.
It's ridiculous!
And I have a date tonight.
What happened?
I kind of like it.
Are you kidding me?
It looks like a Viking
is eating a tulip.
How did this happen?
This isn't my wax job,
it's barbaric.
It looks like you have
buckwheat in a leglock.
I feel like there's an ewok
Trying to sell a bearskin rug
to my labia.
You know what,
You're being a little
hard on yourself.
That's very European.
Tres au naturel.
It's more like an old man
choking on a Persian cat.
Or like sasquatch trying
to play a small accordion.
I'll see what I can do.
Why don't you head
into the back, and... Wow.
We'll figure it out.
Guys, this, um,
might take a while.
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
She must do kegels.
Vick wins!
What!
Daddy, it's Mick.
Yeah, I know it's you, dickwad.
Make it quick.
I'm with an investor.
Waxopolis.
It's not a done deal.
What?
You'd better be joking,
shitweasel,
Because not only
Is that property
crucial to my hotel plan,
It's the next step
In paving over
that backward fucking town
And creating
a real development!
Yeah, but...
Theo and his friends
Are throwing some lame
fundraising party
To make the payment.
Well, then, ass-Monkey,
I guess somebody
has to make sure
He doesn't throw that party!
I'll stop the party, daddy.
I got to go.
Say hi to that useless
dipshit brother of yours.
Barry!
Dad says he hates you.
I love you, daddy.
I love you, too.
Let's go, shit-Smoothie.
We got a wax shop to fuck.
Let's go!
Fuck...
dad loves me.
Well...
if it isn't the two testicles.
No point on wasting your time
With your little party.
You need a permit,
Which I presume you don't have,
Because you're a fucking moron.
Wow.
Don't you have
anything better to do?
Listen to me, douchenozzle.
It takes two weeks
to get a permit,
So you're fucking little
waxopolis fundraiser
Isn't going to happen.
Looks like you two
will just have to stay here,
And wax each other off.
Whatever.
We're going to try to fast-Track
the permit anyway.
Funny one, cum-Plow.
You think the permit office
is even going to give a care
About your bullshit
legal ass-Puking?
No, you need a permit.
No permit, no fucking party.
You're in fernie now, Dorothy.
Fuck you guys later.
Get to stepping, slingblade.
Oh... whoa.
This is going to be
a walk in the park, man.
I will not only get the permit,
I will have her at the party
With six of
her hottest friends,
And nobody will be
wearing drawers.
You really need to work
on your confidence.
Mm.
What can I say, man?
31 years old,
Hottest girl
in community college.
Always thought her life
would add up to more
Than just being a paper pusher.
Dated the quarterback
Till he knocked up
her best friend.
Nice hair,
tasteful make-Up,
Probably went to beauty school,
Worked as a stylist
till her hours got cut back.
Push-Up bra,
So you know she keeps trying,
Even though there's nobody
in this joint to try for.
Keeps getting hit on
by chip over there,
And he keeps emailing her
pictures of his penis.
And she's starting to wonder
If maybe that's
the best she can do.
She needs out of this town,
and I'm here to rescue her.
I'm like king Arthur,
And my dick is Excalibur.
Okay, I got to go
register this.
Yeah. Yeah...
I work alone.
Hi.
I'm here to file
the magnadeuce injunction.
Hi, Clare.
You've been
impossible to reach.
Are you screening my calls?
We spoke earlier today.
Oh, so now I'm nagging you?
I never said that.
I've been busy.
So partying with
your loser friends is tiring?
Cool down, Clare.
Cool down?
I am so fucking cool,
I'm fucking
menstruating ice cubes!
Is that cool enough for you?
Are you okay?
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Could you just send me
the list for the dj?
That would be great.
Uh. Okay.
Thanks. Love you. Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Michael ain't dead.
Whoo!
Mm! Unh!
So...
this sasquatch attack
All took place in
your kitchen, correct?
Yes. That's correct.
Okay, I just want to go over
How it all went down.
Fresh, you stand over there
and be sasquatch.
Ma'am, if you don't mind.
Let's go over this.
Now, you said you heard
a crash outside your door.
I come to the door
I see the creature.
I grab a broom, like so,
Then I kick him
in the balls like that.
Okay, but
before he accosted you,
Were you blocking
his sight-Line to the fridge.
No. I
distinctly remember
I took a step to the side
As the creature
grabbed my wrist,
And then I kicked him
in the balls, like so.
What's going on in here?
We were just going over
the sequence of events, sir.
Let's hear it.
We don't want to waste
your time.
I appreciate that,
But maybe a fresh
pair of eyes can help.
I was just saying
That the creature
grabbed my wrist,
And then I kicked him
in the balls,
Like this.
So, the sasquatch
had a clear sight-Line
To the fridge
that contained kokanee.
That's what I said.
What happened after
you kicked the sasquatch?
Oh, thank you.
Let me see...
I turned and fled.
Thanks for your time.
You can leave, ma'am.
I want to talk to you two.
Look, some musician called snow
Is arriving in town.
Fernie pd has no extra men
for security detail,
So you guys are it.
Aw, snow?
That's awesome.
You keep it professional.
You pick him up at the airport
And make sure no one
gets up in his grill,
You understand?
Of course, sir.
You guys better not
fuck this up.
Oh, Glacier?
Some of the evidence photos
from your girlfriend's camera
Got, uh, water damaged.
Could you get me
some duplicate copies?
Yeah, of course.
Great.
If you could blow
them up to 11 x 17,
That would be good.
I think he's really
warming up to us.
So did you ask her to beat it?
How did you know that?
That's funny.
Hello, colon cleansers.
I figured you would have
crawled out of town
Now that you can't have
your little par-Tay.
Show him, Theo.
Wait for it.
Where the fuck
did you blood-Farts
Get a permit?
Let's just say
we have an "in."
Okay, boys,
This one's on me.
And later,
I'm going to be on you.
Mm... Ooh. Oh...
goodness.
Mama, mama, mama,
not in front of the kids.
Ooh.
Ah!
Will somebody please explain
this fucking game to me?
Hello!
Hi, daddy.
Craziest thing happened today.
It's about the permit.
They got it.
Well, how the fuck
did they get it?
I don't know.
I think one of Theo's friend's
seduced the permit guy.
Shut the fuck up!
We need to change course.
Now, my good friend
and musician, snow, is in town,
Looking at one of
my investment properties.
And?
Well, if you don't want
the fat guy
Sitting next to you on the bus,
You throw a pack of rolos
down the aisle.
Uh, I don't get it, daddy.
If you want to stop the dog
from licking its balls,
You've got to cover
your own balls in peanut butter!
Still not clear.
What I'm trying to say to you
Is you put a concert on
with snow
On the same
fucking night, moron!
No one will pay attention
to his lame-Ass party.
Now, get on it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Really appreciate
you helping out, Danielle.
Yeah, no problem.
I sent invites out
to all my friends,
Told them to spread the word.
Jeremiah, hey, man,
Are you free this weekend?
We're having a party here
on Sunday night.
This Sunday?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I am busy.
Really?
Snow is playing at the legion.
A snow concert?
I didn't hear about this.
It was just announced.
Everyone in town is going.
You should move your party.
Come on out.
I'm sorry, dude,
I can't switch the date
of my party.
My soul aches for you, Theo.
Thanks, Jeremiah.
Please, be strong.
And do not interrupt me
for at least 15 minutes.
Man.
We're finished.
It's a small show.
And it's snow.
How many people are
going to see snow?
Snow is huge.
Adam, snow is
the shit out here.
You just don't fuck with snow.
Really?
Snow is big out here?
We'll figure something out.
I got to make a call.
Hello?
Gary. Hey, it's Adam.
You feeling any better?
No, I feel like a bag of cocks.
Is everything okay out there?
Yeah. Uh, well, no.
A friend of mine is about
to lose his ski waxing business.
He owes money on his property,
And we're trying
to figure out a way
To stop him
from losing everything.
This is the waxopolis
property, yeah?
Yeah, how did you know?
Because magnadeuce
Is trying to acquire
that piece of land.
The paper you filed
at city hall
Was a temporary injunction
on a development freeze.
Wait.
What are you saying?
That you basically
cleared a path for our client
To come in and snap up
your friend's property.
Why didn't you tell me this?
Uh, "a" you never asked,
"B" I don't know your friend
from a hole in my ass,
"C" magna deuce is one of
our firm's biggest clients,
And they pay my salary.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck! This is...
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I'm sorry, Adam.
There's not much
that can be done about it now.
Okay.
Do me a favour and don't tell
anybody in the office.
Yeah, no problem.
But it's only a matter of time
Before Edith starts
asking questions.
You know her.
Yeah, I'll handle it.
Thanks, Gary.
Fuck.
The poor guy's exhausted
from the flight in.
Maybe we should give him
a couple minutes.
Fresh, do you think I'm needy?
What?
No.
No way.
Why?
My therapist thinks I'm needy.
You're seeing a therapist?
Cathy recommended
I see a therapist
Because of our
relationship troubles.
You're seeing a therapist
Because she had sex
with another guy?
She thinks I'm an enabler.
Hmm.
Anyway, my therapist thinks
I impose too many
boundaries on Cathy.
Wow.
That's pretty
friggin' deep stuff.
Cathy says
he's extremely progressive.
He suggested a no-Boundaries
weekend seminar in Las Vegas.
Sounds awesome.
When are you going?
Oh. I'm not going.
It's just the two of 'em.
Cathy says he likes
to work one-On-One.
That's cool.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks, Fresh.
See, I knew you'd understand.
Hmm.
Hey, is that a new flare gun?
Yup.
The new sg233.
Long fire flares
that last, like,
Five times as long
as the regular flare gun.
Very cool.
# Informer
licky boom-Boom down... #
Fresh,
He's singing in his sleep.
Dude, this is like
a private concert.
# Licky-Dicky
boom-Boom down... #
I have got to record this!
Oh, shit,
I must have dozed off.
Geez, point that
somewhere else, brother.
You scared the shit out of me.
Hey, don't worry.
Fresh isn't stupid enough
to bring a loaded flare gun
Into the car.
Jet lagged like a...
Hey, snow.
Is it be okay if Fresh
takes a picture of you,
And I can send it
to my girlfriend, Cathy?
She's a huge fan.
Yeah, man, no problem.
Cathy?
I knew a girl Cathy from fernie,
Came to my concert one time.
Yeah, she toured with the band
for about a month,
If you know what I mean.
But go ahead take that picture.
- Ready, snow?
- Yeah.
Smile.
Oh, this is so
Not gonna look good
on my performance review.
No, it's not.
# The line runs through
like a train in a book #
# Or metres underwater
# Ending with a hook
# It sways in the air
# When there's wind
enough to lift... #
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
Well?
- This was a good idea.
- Right?
I know, this place
is my favourite.
You have to try
the bagels here.
They're the shit.
Hey, do you guys want
any breakfast?
Uh, could I get
A venti decaf soy latte
And a gluten-Free
cran-Apple scone?
Okay, we'll just have
two coffees
And the usual, please.
Thank you, mike.
We're in fernie.
Right.
Um, Theo is so generous.
I have no idea
How he makes a living.
I do not understand that guy.
He's just throwing
his life away.
Why? Come on,
what's the problem?
He's happy.
What about you?
Are you happy?
Sure.
For the most part.
I am kind of stressed out
With some of
this wedding stuff.
Really?
You should tell me.
I want to know. Please?
Why does it have to be
so complicated?
It's not complicated.
You're basically
organizing a party.
It could be done in, like,
I don't know, six hours.
I swear, the complexity
of it all
Is just a woman's way of testing
how much bullshit
Her future sucker's
going to put up with.
Wow. You are
so romantic.
Actually, I am.
I just don't think
"romance" and "wedding"
Should ever be uttered
in the same sentence ever,
Ever, ever.
Okay.
What do you think romance is?
I don't have
an idea of romance.
Romance just happens.
It's just romance,
it's what it is.
It's, you know...
how you feel when you look
at someone in the eyes
And you know they're feeling
The exact same way
that you are.
Or it's, you know,
Drinking peach schnapps
Out of your boyfriend's
bellybutton
Before fucking like hobos
on bathsalts
For an hour and a half,
I don't know.
I'm just pretty sure
whatever it is,
It's not getting drunk
and dancing to Enrique Iglesias
In front of
all your parents' friends.
You see, we could never date,
Because I would not drink
anything out of a bellybutton.
They're filthy,
Right?
They're like
a non-Functioning
Slightly more attractive anus.
Ew.
Yeah.
I just hope you know
what you're doing,
Because you're
a pretty good catch.
This just in,
Juno award-Winning
reggae musician snow
Is in critical condition
After being shot in the throat
with a flare gun...
this is huge.
I've got to call the guys.
...the concert scheduled
for Sunday night in fernie
Is cancelled.
It's true.
Are you telling me
that snow is out?
There's no way he can perform.
Why is it
That everything you touch
turns to shit?
It wasn't my fault!
It was an act of god.
Well, we better pray
That an act of god
stops this loser's party,
Or else!
Or else?
The balls will no longer
Share the taint with the anus.
I don't follow.
Hold on.
Mm.
Sergio, this is delicious.
Load me up.
You solve this problem,
Or you're cut off!
No more free condo.
No more free car leases.
No money.
You got it?
I will do everything
in my power to fix it, daddy.
You will pull out
all the stops on this one.
Yes, sir.
I love you.
Ah, I love you, too.
Fernie cold beer and wine.
Steve...
hey.
I need about 50 cases of kokanee
Delivered to waxopolis
for Sunday.
Ah, for your big party.
Indeed.
Would love
to fill that order, but...
but?
I'm out of stock.
Got a call from the brewery.
The truck went
missing this morning.
Missing?
What do you mean?
They said the delivery truck
Had been gone for quite a while,
But hasn't called in.
But there's another delivery
on Monday.
The party's on Sunday.
Oh.
Yeah. Right.
Well, I'm sure you could get
some out of town.
Cranbrook.
Well, I'll come by
your place later
And drop some flyers off
So you can spread the word.
Sounds good, man.
Okay, see ya, Steve!
# Awoke today with
the same appealing vision #
# Of you and I the way
we had dreamed it would be #
# To live a life
of souls on the run #
# Then you kind of whispered
on your mark... #
Is there anywhere else
around here that's open?
No, this is it.
Damn.
Dude, don't worry.
No, man, I got to take a shit.
Oh.
In there.
I hate to say it, but
it's not looking good, Theo.
Oh, it'll be fine.
Don't worry, Adam.
We can't have a party
without beer.
If we don't have this party,
We can't save your business.
Look, maybe I can
find somebody here
To structure
a bankruptcy deal for you
So you're not paying off
debts forever.
Do you think you could talk
To one of your lawyerly guys
at your place?
Get me more time?
Look, I got
a confession to make.
There's a developer
That's trying to acquire
your property.
What?
They're called
magnadeuce properties,
And they're a major
client of ours, man.
I just found out.
What?
That's not the worst of it.
You remember that paper
That I filed at city hall?
Yeah.
That kind of clears the way
For them to go ahead
with the deal
Without getting challenged
By the zoning board.
That's cool.
No, Theo, listen to me.
My client is trying
to appropriate your property.
Your business is
done, man. Finished.
Look,
My spiritualist, Jeremiah,
says there is no end
And no beginning.
And he's a fucking moron,
Okay?
Come Monday, waxopolis is over.
Done.
Do you understand?
I understand.
Finally.
I'm sorry for what I did
to your business.
You can't talk about
Jeremiah like that.
Are you fucking serious?
I ruined your business,
and you're upset
Because I insulted
your spiritualist?
I'll see you back in fernie.
Theo...
come on, man!
Theo!
I'm going to take a walk.
Clear my head.
I'll hitch back.
Theo, come on, man.
Fuck!
Chief, you wanted to see us?
I gave you two morons
One job to do,
And you fucked it up!
We're sorry, chief.
We told snow not to play
with the flare gun.
Are you being smart with me?
You two clowns are lucky
He has no recollection
of what happened.
There's been another attack
On an elderly person.
A man who lived
one property away
From the old lady.
Forensics found
this stool sample
At the crime scene.
Whoa.
Match the footprint.
Have the lab analyze it.
Fresh.
Yes, sir.
Move it!
Whoo-Ee.
Coming out feeling
10 pounds lighter.
Where's Theo at?
He decided
to walk back to fernie.
What?
Man...
why the hell would he go and do
some dumb shit like that?
I don't know,
Maybe because
I ruined his life?
Oh, man, I was afraid
this was gonna...
what?
Did he tell you he loves you
or something like that?
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, come on, man.
- No!
- Come on, dawg, really?
He's just upset
'cause of his business.
No, he's in love
with you, okay?
And now he's going to
get attacked by a bear,
And the bear
is going to rape him.
- What?
- Yes! And do you know
That bears have barbed penises?
How the fuck do you know that?
All that footage you see...
Just listen, dog,
all that footage you see
Of the dead bodies?
That's not from their teeth.
The penis rips...
How do you know this?
I watch wild kingdom.
I feel bad enough as it is,
Let's not hoist
all this crap on me.
No, we need to go pick him up,
Because that dude,
he thinks I'm Asian.
Yeah...
yeah.
You need to pick him up.
I'm not going to be here
when the shit goes down,
When he gets killed.
No, no, they'll be
looking at me,
Because I'm the only brother
in cranbrook right now.
Guaranteed.
- Yeah.
- We need to go.
We should get you
back to fernie.
We should go.
Yeah. Let's go get him.
Ow, fuck!
Don't just stand there,
tit bucket!
What the fuck are you doing
in here, shaft-Yanker?
I don't care what you do.
Just don't touch the wifi.
Okay, plug every drain you see.
Then we'll turn the water on.
I want this place so fucked up,
That taint-Pilot
won't want it back.
Holy shit-Farts.
That clit-Basket
works for dad's law firm.
Barry! Come here!
Change of plans,
anus-Slapper.
We're not going to flood
this shit-Hole anymore.
Aw.
No.
We're gonna fuck these losers
in a real way.
A very real way.
# Does your mother
tell you things? #
# Long, long when I'm gone?
# Who you talking to?
# Is she telling you
I'm the one? #
# It's a grave mistake
# And I'm wide awake
These berries look delicious.
Holy crap.
Sasquatch.
Where's mcsorley?
Over here.
Get back to work!
Hey, sasquatch.
How are you?
What's happening here?
We're trying on bikinis
for our next scene.
We're shooting
a kokanee commercial.
Cool.
Is that why I saw the dude
With the furry suit?
That's not just a dude.
That's Marty Mcsorley.
The famous gynecologist?
Ah, no.
The hockey player.
He's working on
his acting career.
Are you okay?
I think I ate
a bad batch of berries.
They're not sitting pretty.
Yeah, you don't look so good.
Can you direct me
to the washroom, please?
You mean
the porta-Potty?
Yeah.
Go to woods where you see
that orange marker.
Follow the trail
down to a set of rocks.
Go right, then left,
Then go down the small hill,
and it's on the right.
You can't miss it.
Got it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thanks for getting to this
so quickly, gord.
No, problem, guys.
So, what's the verdict?
Well, there's definitely
a footprint there
Larger than a human's.
Is that sasquatch's turd?
I wish.
It was probably made
by a grizzly bear.
Blueberries.
Salmon bones.
What's that?
Oh, I must have missed that.
Okay, zoom in.
Enhance.
Zoom in a little more.
Enhance.
To the left. Zoom in.
Zoom in.
Wait, back out.
What is that?
It looks like
a hair of some sort.
It wasn't internalized
by the bear.
It's on the surface.
My guess is it was left there
By whatever made the footprint.
Let me see if we can get
you guys an ultraviolet scan.
Hmm.
Well, it's not human.
Yes!
Well, it's not
sasquatch's either...
that's man-Made.
That's a polymer-Based
synthetic.
Sort of thing
you might find in a wig
Or in a costume.
Anything else?
No, that's it, gents.
Thanks, Gordo.
Oh, hey, Glacier.
Yeah?
Uh, say hi to Cathy for me.
Oh, you know Cathy?
Do I know Cathy.
She's a friend.
Of a friend...'s neighbour.
Tell her, "hi from gord."
Gord from the lab.
She walks my dog...
if you know what I'm saying.
Make sure you say
"lab gord," too!
Not "r&d gord."
That's a different guy.
My nickname's "horse!"
Look, we got to
figure out a way
To make this party happen.
It's my fault that
Theo is in this mess.
Your fault?
You said when you came up here,
You didn't know
that your client
Wanted this property, right?
Yeah.
And the only reason
you're involved in this
Is that that big, fat
bloated dude had a heart attack
And shit all down your mouth
And down your throat, right?
He did not shit
down my throat, okay?
He had a heart attack
on the toilet.
The fart was
a little misty, but...
Tomato, tomahto, okay?
You are a victim
of circumstances, my friend.
Well...
and Theo?
Man, that dude's a victim
Of being born with
his head up his ass.
Either way,
it's not your fault.
I can't help but feel
like it is.
The guy's practically family.
We've got to figure out a way
to make this party happen.
All right, fine, fine.
Maybe I can get the beer.
How do you plan on doing that?
Well, I have made a lot of
girlfriends in fernie.
We've only been here for a day.
Does that surprise you?
I'm the only black man
for miles around.
This is light.
How does this help?
These women got
to have some beer,
Or know someone
who does have some beer.
I'll simply exchange
my body for beer.
Huh?
Okay. Okay, you hunt
for the beer,
I'm going to continue to set up.
Pow. All right.
Hey, Marty! Hey, Marty!
You're going too fast!
Wait up!
I'll follow you to the can!
Thanks, trav.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, yeah,
I'll tell her you said hi.
So, what did
the costume shop say?
They only had one costume
That matched the colour
of the hairs
Found in the turd.
Oh?
Turns out they made
some custom sasquatch outfit
For some commercial.
Hey, you'll never guess
who's playing sasquatch.
Who?
Marty Mcsorley.
The fashion designer?
Get out.
The hockey player.
Really?
So I guess we just
have to find Marty.
I can't believe Mcsorley
is our prime suspect.
- Incredible.
- I know.
I mean, what are the odds?
Oh. I meant
that it's incredible
That you get, like, five boners
throughout the night.
That's a lot of boners.
Five boners?
That doesn't seem like
a lot of boners.
Check that again.
You sure that's not
five boners an hour?
I'm just saying,
that's not a lot of boners.
Trust me, not where I come from.
Where do you come from?
Prison.
Hmm.
# I never needed love
# Like I needed you
# And I never lived for nobody
# But I live for you
#Baby
# Ooh, I get chills
when I'm with you #
# Oh-Oh, whoa-Oh
# Oh, baby
# My world stands still
when I'm with you #
# When I'm with you...
hello!
Who are you?
I am the one
Who watches over what goes on.
Am I dead?
No, you just smell like it.
What should I do?
Look inside...
- my heart?
- No.
My soul?
Can I finish?
Sorry.
Look inside the kokanee truck.
It's parked by the lake.
When?
When should I look in the truck?
Later today.
Rest for now.
You look like
a bag of caribou ass.
I really appreciate your help.
I think Theo has
all the ingredients here
For a very lavish affair.
If we get beer,
and tunes, and people,
It'll be a hit.
And it's for a good cause.
You're a great friend, Adam.
Theo's very lucky to have you
look out for him.
Honestly, I kind of feel
like the party's as much for me
As it is for him.
What do you mean?
I guess I'm just
glad to be back, you know?
I miss it here.
Don't you ever struggle
with your decisions?
Adam, I do what I love,
And if I don't love it,
then I stop.
You should try it some time.
I kinda hate you.
Who's that?
No idea.
Hey, Adam.
Danielle.
How the fuck are you two?
What do you want, Mick?
I ran into someone
you may know...
By sheer fucking coinkidink.
Adam, you know Edith.
The woman who holds your career
By its fucking nutsack.
Oh, fuck.
So, nice to see you, dear.
Mick was kind enough
to fly me out
To see some of the properties
We've been working
on at the firm.
Is that your boss?
Yes.
Edith, this is Danielle.
Hmm.
Now, Mick here
has been telling me
That you may have been
interfering in a deal
That is very important
to his father's company,
Which means
That it's very important
to our firm.
Now, we sent you out here
to shut down waxopolis,
Not save it.
Adam, what the shit
Is she talking about?
I'm sorry, dear,
Your girlfriend doesn't know
why you were sent out here?
I was covering
for a sick partner
At the firm, okay?
I had no idea.
Come now, come now, Adam.
You knew exactly
what you were doing.
You were trying to take
Theo's property?
I didn't know.
I swear.
I'm sorry, dear.
Adam will say anything
To try to get into
a woman's panties.
Lord knows, he tried with me.
Oh...
so, this is how it is?
Danielle...
why don't you
Go back to
wherever you're from?
But I'm from here.
No, you're not.
Not anymore.
Oh, dear, it looks like
I've upset your girlfriend.
Is there anything I can do
to console you?
You've done enough, Edith.
Mick, would you be a love
and take me back to my hotel?
I'm at the ridgeside.
Room 234.
Please stop by
And bring the copies
of the injunction request.
Looks like
your party's over, dickweed.
Literally.
Fuckin' finito!
Yeah, fat lady sung,
Went home, ate a burrito,
And took a shit all over
your fuckin' party!
I get it.
You'd better fuckin' get it.
You're a load
Your mom should have
swallowed, dickweed.
Fuck you, Adam.
...'Cause I'd love to direct.
- Marty Mcsorley?
- Yeah?
You're under arrest
For terrorizing Marjorie brown
and Phillip Jones.
Gimme that!
What's going on?
We're taking
your star here, downtown.
You can't do that.
You'll shut down production.
So find another sasquatch.
And how are we
supposed to do that?
Oh, I don't know,
Why don't you hold
another contest?
Let's go, chuckles.
Wait a minute,
We'll be missing the big party.
We got to get him
to the station.
Can't we just
Check it out
for a couple hours,
And then book him?
He'll probably enjoy it.
You cool if we
stop at the party?
Can I at least
call my attorney?
Again?
If he likes to party, sure.
Let's go.
Another one?
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
I don't mean to ask
A clich bartender question,
But why the long face?
I got a lot going on.
I've really
let down some friends.
Sorry to hear that, brother.
Thanks.
Do you ever think about,
I don't know,
Maybe killing yourself?
What?
No. Why?
I'm just saying,
If things are that bad,
Why not?
I mean, you look like shit,
to be honest.
If it was me,
I'd probably just
get it over with.
Oh.
Reverse psychology.
A little bartender wisdom.
No.
Oh.
Seriously.
Just go in the washroom.
No one's around.
I'll come get the gun
after I hear the shot.
It'll confuse the hell
Out of the cops.
Okay, things aren't that bad.
I'm not going to kill myself.
Have you looked
in a fucking mirror?
I mean, come on.
Just do it.
I'll go lay down
some plastic sheets
In the far stall.
Yeah, that's very funny.
I am not going to
kill myself, okay?
Why not?
It's the gun.
Is that it?
It's too messy?
No, I've got a lot to live for.
Like what?
A wife? Kids?
I'm guessing not.
I have great friends.
If they're so great,
why are you here alone?
Look,
Not long ago,
a friend of mine died.
From what I understand,
he's never been happier.
I think I'm going to take off.
You...
uh...
thanks for the talk.
See ya later.
Chickens hit.
Yeah.
That's it?
Where's the rest of the beer?
Look here, pimp sauce.
You don't know what,
Or rather who, I had to do
to get this beer,
So just shut your...
you think people
Are going to stick
around for this?
No, which is why I have
a band coming shortly.
I'll believe it when I see it.
Damn, look, you know what, man?
You think I'm buying
this bullshit you spouting?
Some guru? Please.
Look at you, man,
You look like
a retarded Mongolian pimp.
What the fuck are you wearing?
It's Italian velour.
I have very sensitive skin.
Maybe if you stopped
Beating your dick
against everything, man,
Every five seconds,
You wouldn't be so sensitive.
Don't judge me.
Judge you?
Hey! Hey!
You know what I had to do
to get that, man?
# The life you had known
# The pain that you show...
# I count all of
# The times you choke
# The last miracle
Edith?
# The emptiness of hope
# When all you want
# Is to be a stranger...
you know what, it's about
bloody time you called.
Do you know
how many things I have to do?
# A stranger...
the other day,
I tried to order chocolate cake,
And they didn't even have
chocolate cake!
# The lives you recall
# The things that you stole...
I'm glad I got you...
...and you're not even
here to help me!
You're absolutely pathetic!
We'll see about that.
Do you know how many times
I've had to make a phone call
on your behalf?
You can't even answer
your fucking...
# The lover that you hold
# Is no more than a ghost...
a sorry excuse for a...
# I've seen
the cold and the rain... #
You can't break up with me.
You'll never work
in any firm...
You're the biggest loser I've...
Fucker!
Adam!
What are you doing?
Where did you get this?
Dude, get in,
we've got a party to save!
Hey.
You all right?
No.
Oh.
Problem with your lady parts?
No.
It's that douchebag, Adam.
Whoa. Adam?
A douchebag?
Yeah, douchebag.
I'm sorry, Theo.
I'm the one
that should be sorry,
I think.
I didn't realize
I was about to ruin
everything for you.
Right, so him coming over here
trying to fuck over his friend
Doesn't make him a douchebag?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, he did not
know he was doing that, okay?
He just found out.
Dude, you would never
do anything to hurt me,
You were just doing your job.
You've got a great career,
it's going to be awesome.
Wait, look, look.
Adam is killing himself
about it, okay?
My man is a certified
straight-Shooter.
He's the real deal, that dude.
I'm telling you,
he's killing himself.
"Had" a great career.
What?
I quit.
So he wasn't just lying
to get in my pants?
You know, you seem
a little disappointed by that.
Shit, I'll lie to you
to get into your pants.
I'll lie to you all day
to get in those pants.
I'm just playin',
I won't, I won't.
You know, coming out here,
It's made me realize
how miserable I've been
Since I left.
I'm telling you
he's got morals.
He's got goals.
He's basically
the opposite of me.
I mean, don't tell anybody this,
But I kind of wish I could be
more like Adam.
Not white, still black,
But more like him, I'm sayin'.
I wish that, you know,
I could have a relationship
That didn't last just one night
And often involve a couple
midgets from the Bahamas.
But I'm not wired
that way, all right?
You know, it's cool right now,
But soon, I'm going to be
the dude that's at the club,
Just a little too old
to be at the club,
With super white teeth
And-And balls that are
as smooth as eggs.
Waxopolis international
needs a business manager
For its fernie division.
So, you need a manager?
Yeah, dude, honestly,
I was going to ask
Jeremiah to do it,
But I've come to the conclusion
That he has somewhat duplicitous
and ulterior motives.
Plus, I think he's a sex addict.
Theo, is that... Is that you?
I would be honoured
to work with you.
It's a deal, partner.
But Adam, meanwhile,
You can have a family,
Some kids running around,
A wife,
And balls that are
hairy as shit,
Because that's Adam.
Are you sure
he's on the up and up?
Come on, now.
I've known that dude
since I was in diapers.
Although that was just
a few years ago.
I was dating this chick, man,
This waitress, oh, my god...
Okay, shh. Shh. Shh...
thank you for letting me know.
I do what I can, you know.
Oh, snap, you got to be...
Looks like the party's
about to get started!
All right, let's do this!
Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Put your hands together
for my friends,
Down with Webster!
# Whoa is me I'm so whoa #
# See me decked out
from my head to my toe #
# Whoa is me I'm so whoa #
# Everywhere I go
I'm a one-Man show #
# I feel like
a Hollywood star... #
Marty!
Hey!
Remember me?
What's with this?
Mcsorley is under arrest
For terrorizing Marjorie brown
And Phillip Jones.
Marge and Phil?
But they're my neighbours.
"Were" your neighbours.
They got so freaked out,
They put their property
up for sale.
Wait a minute.
Why would Marty Mcsorley
terrorize your neighbours?
Who else had access
to that suit?
No one.
I keep it locked
in the condo that I rent.
Who's your landlord?
Douce? Douce, douce...
rick douce?
You mean Mick!
Of course.
Mick's wearing the suit
To terrorize your neighbours
To force them to sell,
Clearing the way
for his father.
Yeah.
Guys, you've got motive.
He's trying to
force them to sell,
And you've got evidence.
He's the only one,
other than Marty here,
To have access to the suit.
# The more I feel it
# Whoa!
# The more I need it
# Whoa!
# You say whoa...
what if Mick were behind this
So his dad could get
his hands on the property?
Genius.
Guys, I think fresh
just cracked this case.
Speak of the douche,
Here he is now.
What's up, jizz-Napkins?
I came to check out
Your fucking lame party.
Mick deuce,
You are under arrest
For assaulting
two fernie residents.
Guys...
I mean, there's got to be
some kind of a mistake here.
This little lawyer
Snatch-Napkin
Is putting shit in your head.
Nice try, Mick.
It's not going to work.
Fuck you, Adam.
I'm god out here.
Not anymore.
You're coming with us now.
Recognize this?
Whoa...
yeah.
Your mom left it on my chest.
# Whoa is me!
I'm so whoa! #
Hey!
Marty Mcsorley,
will you sign my stick?
Isn't that mine?
Do not put faith
In possessions, Theo!
Sorry.
Oh, hey, Mick.
Did you find what you wanted
when you broke into waxopolis?
- "Broke into"?
- Yeah.
I was busy masturbating,
And Mick broke in.
You broke into waxopolis?
What?
# ...To be so dope
that you like me #
# And me like whoa
Isn't that your girlfriend
making out with another guy?
Ha, I ain't
going to fall for that.
That does look
a lot like Cathy.
We're going to use
this evidence against him.
Stand back, fellas.
I fucked Cathy.
# You say whoa
# Whoa is me
I'm so whoa! #
Ladies and gentlemen,
The forecast is calling for
18 inches of snow!
# informer...
# licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says daddy snow
stabbed someone down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
# I'm gonna blame
a licky boom-Boom dem... #
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi!
I'm really sorry
about getting all mad
And stuff.
I didn't realize
your boss was a total psycho,
And you're not a complete
lawyer douchebag.
I'm not a lawyer.
I quit my job.
And my life.
I broke up with Clare.
Really?
Yeah.
I realized
I wasn't happy anymore,
And decided it was time
for a change.
So, what now?
I've changed my position
on belly buttons.
Well, you haven't
seen mine yet.
It's a cesspool.
I kind of want to.
Well, you can start
by getting me another drink?
Theo!
Hey, man, you did it.
We did it!
Oh, god...
I love you so much.
I love you, too, buddy.
I always knew you two
would get together.
Speaking of "getting together,"
Let's get that drink now...
hit that, son.
You make her say "Jason"
Two times!
That's right!
Taught him well.
I think I fucked
sasquatch last night.
That was a good one.
# Oh, your heart
# Was spinning on a string
# Such a decorative thing
# But never fluttering
# Whoa-Oh-Oh
I just want to know... #
Coming in 2014...
sasquatch pillow fight.
Starring Marty Mcsorley.
# Police-A them-A they come
and-A they blow down me door #
# One him come crawl through
through my window #
# So they put me in the back
of the car at the station #
# From that point on
I reach my destination #
# Now, the destination reached
was the east detention #
# Where they whipped down
my pants #
# And looked up my bottom
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer...
# a licky boom-Boom dem
# The bigger they are
# They think they have
more power #
# They're on the phone
me say that one hour #
# Me for want to use it
once to call my lover #
# Lover who I'm gonna call
is the one tammy #
# I love her from my heart
down to my belly #
# Yes, daddy snow
I'm the coolest daddy #
# The one mc Shan
and the one that is snow #
# Together, we are like
a music tornado #
# So, informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer...
# a licky boom-Boom
# Listen for me
ya better listen for me now #
# Listen for me
ya better listen to me #
# When I rock the microphone
I rock it steady #
# Yes, sir, daddy snow me
are the article don #
# When I'm at a dance they say
"where you come from?" #
CI, baby, Canada!
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem...
# And picture my face
# Someday you may smile at me
# And I'll walk away
# Yesterday I needed a buck
# Today I needed a bank
# But I know
who was always there #
# It's me that I had to thank
# And I wanna say
# Picture my face
# Yeah, I gotta say
# Kiss my face
# Someday you'll remember me
# And picture my face
# Someday you may smile at me
# And I'll walk away
# Yesterday I needed love
# Today I need some hate
# But I know who
was always there #
# Now, baby, it's too late
# And I wanna say
# Picture my face
# Yeah, I gotta say
# Well, kiss kiss my face #
Hey, Clare, what's up?
When are we going to actually
plan this wedding?
We have to get
this seating plan done.
Have you even looked at it?
Babe, I'm sorry,
I'm just really busy.
I feel like all of this
is falling on my shoulders.
I feel like your secretary.
You think that
you can just take off,
And everything is going to just
magically happen.
Honey, it's not a good time.
I can't talk, okay?
I hate
to break it to you, Adam,
But it just
doesn't work like that.
And you know what else
might come to a surprise
Is that there's actually
no little magical fucking elves
That are going to make
the little seating chart
To make sure that
your perverted aunt
Doesn't end up sitting
on the face of my drunken uncle!
No! That falls on me, Adam.
That falls on me!
And you know what,
I am not an elf!
I'm not a fuckin' elf!
No...
I am not an elf.
I don't even give a fuck!
But until then,
you need to help me out!
Okay. Okay, I promise you
I'll look at it, okay?
Okay.
I love you.
I said I love you!
It's just,
not a great time to talk.
Fucking say it!
I love you.
Aw...
I can't talk right now.
It's not a good time.
Well, call me back.
No excuses.
Well...
looks like you've really
jammed it up this time, Gary.
Hi, Edith.
Yeah, I can't seem to fit
my fingers in here.
It's really tight.
Hmm.
If I had a dime...
come here.
Come on, give mommy
some of the good stuff.
Well, if you're gonna
work it like that,
You've got to expect
a little extra attention.
I wasn't "working it," Edith.
You look like a man-Whore.
I'm just trying to get
some work done here.
What's going on with
that strip mall in Calgary?
Just some noise bylaw concerns.
From a strip mall?
Yeah, well they opened
a new T.L. Poppers restaurant,
And some other place called
"rub you long time,"
Some kind of massage parlour.
What's the world coming to
When you can't even get
cheese fries and a handjob
In the same place?
Got me.
Anyway, I should be able
to get it pushed through.
Might have to pay off
one of the city councilors.
Where the fuck are you going?
I have to go to the bathroom.
I think I've become
lactose intolerant.
Well, maybe if you ate
a little bit less,
You could control your bowels.
Now, what's going on with that
500-Unit hotel development
In fernie?
Well, we've had some resistance
from some of the locals,
But we found a way around
their zoning by-Law
By filing an injunction.
Now, that's my boy.
I want you to hand-Deliver
that injunction
To fernie city hall, asap.
No, Edith, come on.
You know I hate flying.
Sorry, Gary,
Does the seat cushion
irritate your pussy?
I have an ear infection.
I can't fly.
More like a yeast infection.
Fine, go get a pap smear.
I have a great obgyn.
He'll fist you
if you ask nicely.
Hey, why don't you send Adam
To file the injunction, huh?
He's from fernie.
I can't do it, man.
I'm busy.
I am not sending Adam
because it's your fucking file,
And you're fucking going.
Nice cock, Adam.
I like a little hoodie.
Don't see them often enough.
Ugh, Jesus, that's disgusting.
I just lost my hard-On.
Ow, ow, ow, ow... ooh!
Be in my office
in three minutes,
And go see a proctologist.
Oh, it's like feathery worms.
Hey, Adam,
You wouldn't mind going
to fernie for me, would you?
Normally, I would,
but I'm totally swamped.
Ow, I think that's a placenta.
I think it just winked at me.
Gary, I don't actually need
the play-By-Play.
I don't remember
eating diarrhea.
Oh, yeah.
How's the wedding planning
coming along?
Are you okay?
My-My chest.
Quit fucking around, man.
I can't go to fernie, all right?
Gary?
Gary?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god.
Security.
Dave.
Hey, it's Adam.
Uh, Gary Bennett's
having a heart attack.
I'm in the 17th-Floor washroom.
Can you send an ambulance?
I've got a defibrillator
right here.
I'll send someone up.
Thank you.
Hi, hon'.
I thought you said you were
going to call me right back?
Look, I'll get
to the seating plan,
I'm just sort of
in the middle of something?
Oh, so you love your job
more than you love me?
Fine.
You want to talk about
the seating plan?
Let's talk
About the seating plan.
What do you want
to talk about first?
# Well, I'm on my way
# To the city lights...
this is where
the old woman was sitting.
This is where sasquatch
smashed the window here.
A stylish
contemporary kitchen...
and a flower arrangement
on the dining room table?
Damn it, Cathy.
Who's Cathy?
My new girl.
I had her take these.
She has a keen eye
for photography,
But she's also taking a course
In interior design.
Well, the report says
Nothing but beer was
stolen from the place.
Apparently, the woman
was too freaked out
To be interviewed.
Hey, does Cathy
have black hair?
Yeah.
- Pierced eyebrow?
- Yeah.
Kind of oversized
puffy pepperoni nipples?
Gimme that.
And when did you get
that tattoo that says "pain"
On your back?
That ain't me.
What are you two jag offs
doing at my desk?
Sorry, chief.
We were just looking at
graphic anatomical photos
Of Glacier's
cheating girlfriend.
Would you guys remind me again
Which one is Glacier
And which one is fresh?
He is.
I'm Fresh.
I don't give a fuck
Which one is Glacier
And which one is fresh!
What the fuck is going on?
We were just going over
The latest sasquatch
crime scene photos, sir.
I know you Creston guys
Like your creepy
sasquatch fetish,
But now that you've transferred
to my unit,
You'll be marching
to my orders, comprende?
With all due respect, sir...
You're in fernie now.
This is the real world.
But in the re...
Hey! You speak
when I tell you!
Yes, sir.
I'm watching you two fuckers.
So, what about sasquatch?
Am I sleeping?
I must be sleeping
Because I just had a dream
Where I told you two bozos
To stop talking about
the sasquatch.
I usually get a boner
when I sleep.
Well, it's not there all night.
I'm not too sure if it is,
But it's definitely there
when I wake up.
It's your testosterone.
It peaks early mornings.
That's why
you wake up like that.
I read it in owl magazine.
You read about boners
in a kid's science magazine?
Maybe it wasn't owl.
It was something science-Y.
Popular science?
Will you two shut the fuck up!
Got it!
What we have here
is a break and enter.
A petty beer theft
Involving
a traumatized geriatric.
Get her in,
Get the story firsthand.
Yes, sir.
We're on it.
Remember, she's still in shock.
Take her statement,
And act like
fucking professionals.
Understand?
We won't let you down, sir.
Shut the fuck up.
You're just lucky
you've got great hair.
I want to fuck that hair.
Is it weird that
I want to fuck that hair?
No.
Clear!
Okay, Clare,
I got to call you back.
Gary, what the hell
are you doing?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Is he dead this time?
Well, he appears to be
breathing out of his ass.
You poor little fat teddy bear.
Adam, you're going to
have to go to fernie.
Do it for Gary,
may he rest in peace.
He's not dead.
Yet.
Isn't there anyone else?
I'll ask around.
Gary!
You bloated unhealthy fuck!
Can you fly your almost-Dead
fat ass to fernie
To file those papers?
Nope.
Looks like Gary can't make it.
Have a nice flight.
I'm sorry
I can't get out of it.
I'll only in fernie
till Monday.
Well, I see where
your priorities lie.
You just want to go up there
And party with
your loser friend, Theo.
Look, I've got
another call coming in
That I got to take.
No, don't you hang up on me...
Love you.
Hey, Jason.
Hello? Jason?
Jason!
Hello?
Hey, man, what's going on?
Hello?
Who is this?
It's Adam.
Oh, hey, what's up, Adam?
How you doing, baby?
Look, I'm kind of busy
right now, man.
You called me.
Are you okay?
Are you jogging or something?
Oh, shit, you know what?
Man, I pocket-Dialed you,
But with my penis.
My dick pocket-Dialed you.
That's crazy...
awesome.
Yeah, oh, yeah...
yeah, it is awesome.
Here, let me get your shoe.
Yeah...
yo, man, where you at, son?
I'm in a plane
on my way to fernie.
Oh, that's crazy!
I'm scheduled
to fly to Calgary today.
We should totally hook up.
Sorry, man, I don't have time.
Okay, cool.
I will meet you out in fernie.
How about that?
Isn't it kind of expensive
For you just to fly in
for the weekend?
Oh, baby... Man,
I'm a flight attendant.
Means I can fly
anywhere I want to fly.
Do you think I took this job
for the shiny gold wings?
Watch my wings, baby.
I thought you took the job
So that you can have, uh,
sex with the stewardesses.
I'm insulted by that, man.
How shallow do you think I am?
That depends.
Are you with a stewardess
right now?
Whoa, not the bum, girl,
not the bum!
Aw...
anyway, don't come...
Uh...
don't come to fernie.
I've got a lot of things...
I don't have time to see you,
all right?
Do not come.
No, fernie,
no cuming in fernie.
All right,
I'll talk to you later, man.
I really gots to go.
See ya later.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
You okay?
It's no problem.
Would you mind holding Morris
for me for a sec?
Oh.
Okay.
We called him Morris, you know,
Like that cat
from the commercials?
We didn't have a name
for him for weeks,
But then realized
he just loves milk...
I mean, he keeps sucking on me
Like a vacuum.
My nipples get
really chafed, you know?
You look really familiar.
Are you from fernie?
Originally, yeah,
but I moved to Toronto.
You used to hang out
with Theo, right?
I'm friends with
his older sister.
Annie.
Annie Benson.
Annie. Hi.
Hi.
Right. Annie.
Wow.
You have got to say hi
to Theo for me.
He must be
really successful now.
I thought he'd be
some sort of ceo
Or neurosurgeon.
He was always so bright.
He failed the fourth grade...
And uh, and the seventh,
And the eighth.
Means nothing.
Albert Eisenstein failed school
And then went on to become
the greatest physicist
Of the 20th century.
How do you think he did that?
I have no idea.
How do you think he came up
with e equals mc-Two?
You think he slept
his way to the top?
No, I, uh...
you do, don't you?
You think he fucked his way
into the Nobel prize,
And someone else came up with
The theory of negativity.
Theo...
was a genius.
Can you see anything?
Not yet, Theo.
Keep relaxing.
You're feeling all the energy
coming out of your fingertips
Onto your...
shag carpet.
Is there any more food?
Check the fridge, dude.
I think I'm starting
to feel it now.
Do you see anything?
Uh...
your energy is brown.
I knew it.
We need at least
12 more sessions.
12?
I thought you said we'd be done
in, like, four sessions.
You want to walk around
with a brown aura?
12 sessions.
I don't know
if I have the money for that.
Stop your negativity.
Classic brown aura behaviour.
Sorry.
I've gotta stop being so brown.
Hey, you wanna hang out?
I got that high-Speed
internet connection
That you wanted me to get.
Uh...
I'll come back in a while,
Maybe when you're not around.
Really?
I have a lot of
downloading to do.
I don't want to
monopolize your time.
Cool.
Door's always open.
Seriously?
I know you have work to do.
You won't even notice me.
How did you find me?
I tailed you from the airport.
Why?
I've just always
wanted to do that.
I jumped in the cab,
And I was like,
"follow that car!"
Okay.
That's kind of weird.
No, it's cool.
What... in the fuck?
What kind of backward-Ass
hotel is this?
This is my friend Theo's place.
He waxes snowboards and skis.
I think your friend
is homeless, dawg.
He's not.
I think he is.
What's up, bitches?
Is that Theo?
No.
I think Theo just got robbed.
Theo!
Adam!
Awesome!
Theo. This is Jason.
He's a good buddy
of mine from Toronto.
Yongo nanimaska.
Hey, man, uh, dude, what
the fuck is that smell, man?
It smells like someone
mixed cinnamon with-
With asshole.
I'm sorry, I'm just
burning some incense.
I got it from
my spiritual counsellor.
Spiritual counsellor?
Yeah, and personal trainer.
He's been giving me a lot of
great stretching routines.
I'm like an inch taller now.
I feel really limber.
I'm not saying
that you will or do,
But are you capable
of sucking on your own dick?
This guy.
I love him.
Anyway, what are
you guys doing here?
This is crazy.
I'm here on business.
Why are you always talking
about business, man?
Come on, what you got
to do all weekend?
I have to file
a paper at city hall.
And I'm planning
a wedding all weekend.
You need to relax, man.
Just come have one beer.
Cool, yeah.
I was just going to
shut down for the day
Anyway, so...
what the...
Let me help you out there.
It's not going to bite.
I have plenty of room
for you guys
If you want to stay.
And I have really good
internet now, too, so...
thanks, Theo, man.
I'm good anywhere.
There's a room in the back.
It's like it was made for you.
You do know
I'm not Japanese, right?
As if.
Really?
Okay. Maybe
We should get out of here.
See, that's what
I'm talking about.
Y'all two can
show me your town.
Yeah, that sounds good.
It'll help me shake
this whole brown aura thing
I got going on.
Brown?
What's wrong with brown?
You just need to get
some fuckin' clothes on.
That's what you need to do.
Nothing wrong with brown,
something wrong with that.
This guy, I love it.
I'll be right back.
Not Japanese...
hmm.
That's Theo.
Mm-Hmm.
Serial killer Theo.
Nice.
He's not like that, man.
He's a good guy.
Yeah, I know there's a freezer
Full of asses and lips
downstairs, trust me.
He had a heart attack
on the toilet.
I was just scooching
underneath the door.
It's called
mouth-To-Mouth, man,
Not mouth to ass.
Come on.
Well, I'll be back in a sec.
Gotta pinch
a little brown aura?
Yeah.
I'm surprised you're
friends with that dude.
He is seriously...
what's the word
I'm looking for?
Oh, yeah, "fucked up."
Just give him a chance.
Hey, he's your friend,
so he's my friend, okay?
But for real?
My man looks like
a hairy basketball with teeth.
You know maybe
this wasn't such a good idea.
I'm exhausted.
Hey, man, that's the problem
with you being engaged.
Your dick has no reason
to be in here.
You need to trick your dick
Into thinking
that you're not engaged.
Now, check out
that girl right there.
You go talk to that girl,
That will confuse your dick.
Sow the seeds of doubt
into your dick's mind.
Yeah, I'm going to
go to Theo's,
And I'm going to go to sleep.
What's your problem, man?
Have one drink.
You said one drink.
Let's go.
Okay, one drink,
That doesn't mean
I'm going to talk to her.
One drink, then you're
going to talk to her.
Ow!
You should watch
where you're going...
Oh, my god.
Danielle!
Yes!
It's been forever.
How are you?
Really good.
Really surprised
to see you here.
You look great.
You too.
You know, I don't know
how ugly you were before,
But god damn,
you banging now, girl.
You hot as shit!
Thank you, whoever you are.
This is a buddy of mine, Jason.
Hey, Jason.
Hey, Danielle!
Hey, Theo!
Hi. Hi. Hi.
You remember Adam?
Yeah, of course.
So, how long are you guys
in town for?
A weekend.
I'm here on business.
What about you?
You still live here?
Yeah.
Well, I left for a few years
To go to university.
Thank you, Theo.
But turns out my degree
Helped me get a job
And landed me
right back here in fernie, so...
very cool.
Oh, great.
What?
I'm sure you remember Mick
From high school.
Oh, unfortunately, I do.
Well, well, well,
If it isn't tweedle dee,
tweedle dum,
And tweedle...
black guy I don't know.
What are you in town for,
turd-Eating contest?
Yeah, you know what?
I'm very concerned about
the town you come from.
I'm 'a leave you
And Freddie mercury's
love child
To deal with it.
Have fun, excuse me.
Hey, Danielle.
We should bang sometime.
I'll put the "yell!"
Into "Danielle."
And I'll put my vagina
in your dick.
Sorry to hear
About your waxing shit-Opolis.
If you need work,
Daddy has some asbestos
he needs removed
From his factory loft project.
No? No takers?
Well, fuck you very much then.
Not you, Danielle.
If you know what I mean, huh?
Feed you some oats.
Why don't you
Turn around immediately,
Walk out that door
Before I kick your nuts
Up into that shit-Tub
you call a brain.
And take your creepy
Quasimodo with you.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I'll suck your dick off.
What?
Wow.
Yeah, that happens
every Friday.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm.
Can you believe
he still lives here?
Hey, everybody,
This is Connie,
Sylvia, and carol.
Yeah, I've managed
to talk myself
Into their little book club.
We talking about Moby dick
tonight, ain't we, girls?
Theo, can we get some drinks
for the ladies?
- Right.
- Thanks, brother.
I'm starting to like
your little backward-Assed town.
We're going to go back
to Cynthia's place
And discuss how my protagonist
Can fit into each one
of their back stories.
Some drinks!
We need to get some alcohol.
My cougars be thirsty.
All right, let's move
that ho train out, girls.
Back to your place.
Drink till we forget.
All right, see you in a bit.
Why is it
When you say
it's going to be one drink,
It never is.
How did the ho train go?
Yeah, ho train got derailed.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Hey, Theo, what was Mick
talking about?
Everything's okay
at wax-Opolis, right?
Because from the way
he was talking,
It seemed like you might be
in a little bit of trouble.
"Trouble" is a very
"subjective" word.
What the fuck does that mean?
Essentially,
I believe that Mick's
idea of "trouble"
Is that I need to raise $15,000
To save the business.
15 grand?
Are you shitting me?
Theo, how did this happen?
Well, I did borrow some money.
For what?
I tried a few alternative
methods of making money
In the off-Season
That didn't really pan out.
Like what?
Mostly wax-Based
enterprises
Like candles,
And hair removal,
Like backs
and vaginas and such.
I'll bet.
Okay.
Let's go.
I'm bagged, and I've had
a really shitty day.
Theo, did it ever occur to you
That women might not
want rainman
Putting hot wax
on their pubic hair
And tearing it out and stuff?
This guy, I love it!
When do you need the money by?
Technically,
I have until Monday.
But not until 5:00 P.M.
Oh, well, you should
be fine, then.
Jesus Christ, how are you
so unfazed by this, Theo?
Something will happen.
It's karma,
the law of the universe.
Look, I would help out,
But all my money's tied up
in a condo down-Payment.
Yeah, and I would
help, too, but...
actually, no, I wouldn't
help you, brah.
You're a bit
of a fuck-Up, man.
Sorry.
What are you gonna do
if you lose the place?
I guess I'll live off the land,
And on the charity
of my fellow brethren.
That's a great strategy.
The hobo who lives in
the dumpster behind my office
Has the same business model.
Hey.
Why don't we have
the mother of all parties
And trash the place?
That's not a bad idea,
Except...
let's not
trash the place, right?
We'll just have
the mother of all parties.
20 bucks a head.
Or more.
Cash bar.
I think we can cover the debt.
Worst case scenario,
Boatloads of women,
And we have a licence
to print vagina.
What?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, look, I think
we have a good plan.
Mm-Hmm.
This could work.
Yeah!
I thought you were doing
some kung fu or something.
No.
Check it out, dudes.
Well,
That's real cool.
I really like
The guitar-Toting
snowboarding Jesus.
Hey, Theo,
I'm sorry to interrupt,
I have this, um, "situation."
Look at this.
It's ridiculous!
And I have a date tonight.
What happened?
I kind of like it.
Are you kidding me?
It looks like a Viking
is eating a tulip.
How did this happen?
This isn't my wax job,
it's barbaric.
It looks like you have
buckwheat in a leglock.
I feel like there's an ewok
Trying to sell a bearskin rug
to my labia.
You know what,
You're being a little
hard on yourself.
That's very European.
Tres au naturel.
It's more like an old man
choking on a Persian cat.
Or like sasquatch trying
to play a small accordion.
I'll see what I can do.
Why don't you head
into the back, and... Wow.
We'll figure it out.
Guys, this, um,
might take a while.
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
She must do kegels.
Vick wins!
What!
Daddy, it's Mick.
Yeah, I know it's you, dickwad.
Make it quick.
I'm with an investor.
Waxopolis.
It's not a done deal.
What?
You'd better be joking,
shitweasel,
Because not only
Is that property
crucial to my hotel plan,
It's the next step
In paving over
that backward fucking town
And creating
a real development!
Yeah, but...
Theo and his friends
Are throwing some lame
fundraising party
To make the payment.
Well, then, ass-Monkey,
I guess somebody
has to make sure
He doesn't throw that party!
I'll stop the party, daddy.
I got to go.
Say hi to that useless
dipshit brother of yours.
Barry!
Dad says he hates you.
I love you, daddy.
I love you, too.
Let's go, shit-Smoothie.
We got a wax shop to fuck.
Let's go!
Fuck...
dad loves me.
Well...
if it isn't the two testicles.
No point on wasting your time
With your little party.
You need a permit,
Which I presume you don't have,
Because you're a fucking moron.
Wow.
Don't you have
anything better to do?
Listen to me, douchenozzle.
It takes two weeks
to get a permit,
So you're fucking little
waxopolis fundraiser
Isn't going to happen.
Looks like you two
will just have to stay here,
And wax each other off.
Whatever.
We're going to try to fast-Track
the permit anyway.
Funny one, cum-Plow.
You think the permit office
is even going to give a care
About your bullshit
legal ass-Puking?
No, you need a permit.
No permit, no fucking party.
You're in fernie now, Dorothy.
Fuck you guys later.
Get to stepping, slingblade.
Oh... whoa.
This is going to be
a walk in the park, man.
I will not only get the permit,
I will have her at the party
With six of
her hottest friends,
And nobody will be
wearing drawers.
You really need to work
on your confidence.
Mm.
What can I say, man?
31 years old,
Hottest girl
in community college.
Always thought her life
would add up to more
Than just being a paper pusher.
Dated the quarterback
Till he knocked up
her best friend.
Nice hair,
tasteful make-Up,
Probably went to beauty school,
Worked as a stylist
till her hours got cut back.
Push-Up bra,
So you know she keeps trying,
Even though there's nobody
in this joint to try for.
Keeps getting hit on
by chip over there,
And he keeps emailing her
pictures of his penis.
And she's starting to wonder
If maybe that's
the best she can do.
She needs out of this town,
and I'm here to rescue her.
I'm like king Arthur,
And my dick is Excalibur.
Okay, I got to go
register this.
Yeah. Yeah...
I work alone.
Hi.
I'm here to file
the magnadeuce injunction.
Hi, Clare.
You've been
impossible to reach.
Are you screening my calls?
We spoke earlier today.
Oh, so now I'm nagging you?
I never said that.
I've been busy.
So partying with
your loser friends is tiring?
Cool down, Clare.
Cool down?
I am so fucking cool,
I'm fucking
menstruating ice cubes!
Is that cool enough for you?
Are you okay?
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Could you just send me
the list for the dj?
That would be great.
Uh. Okay.
Thanks. Love you. Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Michael ain't dead.
Whoo!
Mm! Unh!
So...
this sasquatch attack
All took place in
your kitchen, correct?
Yes. That's correct.
Okay, I just want to go over
How it all went down.
Fresh, you stand over there
and be sasquatch.
Ma'am, if you don't mind.
Let's go over this.
Now, you said you heard
a crash outside your door.
I come to the door
I see the creature.
I grab a broom, like so,
Then I kick him
in the balls like that.
Okay, but
before he accosted you,
Were you blocking
his sight-Line to the fridge.
No. I
distinctly remember
I took a step to the side
As the creature
grabbed my wrist,
And then I kicked him
in the balls, like so.
What's going on in here?
We were just going over
the sequence of events, sir.
Let's hear it.
We don't want to waste
your time.
I appreciate that,
But maybe a fresh
pair of eyes can help.
I was just saying
That the creature
grabbed my wrist,
And then I kicked him
in the balls,
Like this.
So, the sasquatch
had a clear sight-Line
To the fridge
that contained kokanee.
That's what I said.
What happened after
you kicked the sasquatch?
Oh, thank you.
Let me see...
I turned and fled.
Thanks for your time.
You can leave, ma'am.
I want to talk to you two.
Look, some musician called snow
Is arriving in town.
Fernie pd has no extra men
for security detail,
So you guys are it.
Aw, snow?
That's awesome.
You keep it professional.
You pick him up at the airport
And make sure no one
gets up in his grill,
You understand?
Of course, sir.
You guys better not
fuck this up.
Oh, Glacier?
Some of the evidence photos
from your girlfriend's camera
Got, uh, water damaged.
Could you get me
some duplicate copies?
Yeah, of course.
Great.
If you could blow
them up to 11 x 17,
That would be good.
I think he's really
warming up to us.
So did you ask her to beat it?
How did you know that?
That's funny.
Hello, colon cleansers.
I figured you would have
crawled out of town
Now that you can't have
your little par-Tay.
Show him, Theo.
Wait for it.
Where the fuck
did you blood-Farts
Get a permit?
Let's just say
we have an "in."
Okay, boys,
This one's on me.
And later,
I'm going to be on you.
Mm... Ooh. Oh...
goodness.
Mama, mama, mama,
not in front of the kids.
Ooh.
Ah!
Will somebody please explain
this fucking game to me?
Hello!
Hi, daddy.
Craziest thing happened today.
It's about the permit.
They got it.
Well, how the fuck
did they get it?
I don't know.
I think one of Theo's friend's
seduced the permit guy.
Shut the fuck up!
We need to change course.
Now, my good friend
and musician, snow, is in town,
Looking at one of
my investment properties.
And?
Well, if you don't want
the fat guy
Sitting next to you on the bus,
You throw a pack of rolos
down the aisle.
Uh, I don't get it, daddy.
If you want to stop the dog
from licking its balls,
You've got to cover
your own balls in peanut butter!
Still not clear.
What I'm trying to say to you
Is you put a concert on
with snow
On the same
fucking night, moron!
No one will pay attention
to his lame-Ass party.
Now, get on it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Really appreciate
you helping out, Danielle.
Yeah, no problem.
I sent invites out
to all my friends,
Told them to spread the word.
Jeremiah, hey, man,
Are you free this weekend?
We're having a party here
on Sunday night.
This Sunday?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I am busy.
Really?
Snow is playing at the legion.
A snow concert?
I didn't hear about this.
It was just announced.
Everyone in town is going.
You should move your party.
Come on out.
I'm sorry, dude,
I can't switch the date
of my party.
My soul aches for you, Theo.
Thanks, Jeremiah.
Please, be strong.
And do not interrupt me
for at least 15 minutes.
Man.
We're finished.
It's a small show.
And it's snow.
How many people are
going to see snow?
Snow is huge.
Adam, snow is
the shit out here.
You just don't fuck with snow.
Really?
Snow is big out here?
We'll figure something out.
I got to make a call.
Hello?
Gary. Hey, it's Adam.
You feeling any better?
No, I feel like a bag of cocks.
Is everything okay out there?
Yeah. Uh, well, no.
A friend of mine is about
to lose his ski waxing business.
He owes money on his property,
And we're trying
to figure out a way
To stop him
from losing everything.
This is the waxopolis
property, yeah?
Yeah, how did you know?
Because magnadeuce
Is trying to acquire
that piece of land.
The paper you filed
at city hall
Was a temporary injunction
on a development freeze.
Wait.
What are you saying?
That you basically
cleared a path for our client
To come in and snap up
your friend's property.
Why didn't you tell me this?
Uh, "a" you never asked,
"B" I don't know your friend
from a hole in my ass,
"C" magna deuce is one of
our firm's biggest clients,
And they pay my salary.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck! This is...
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I'm sorry, Adam.
There's not much
that can be done about it now.
Okay.
Do me a favour and don't tell
anybody in the office.
Yeah, no problem.
But it's only a matter of time
Before Edith starts
asking questions.
You know her.
Yeah, I'll handle it.
Thanks, Gary.
Fuck.
The poor guy's exhausted
from the flight in.
Maybe we should give him
a couple minutes.
Fresh, do you think I'm needy?
What?
No.
No way.
Why?
My therapist thinks I'm needy.
You're seeing a therapist?
Cathy recommended
I see a therapist
Because of our
relationship troubles.
You're seeing a therapist
Because she had sex
with another guy?
She thinks I'm an enabler.
Hmm.
Anyway, my therapist thinks
I impose too many
boundaries on Cathy.
Wow.
That's pretty
friggin' deep stuff.
Cathy says
he's extremely progressive.
He suggested a no-Boundaries
weekend seminar in Las Vegas.
Sounds awesome.
When are you going?
Oh. I'm not going.
It's just the two of 'em.
Cathy says he likes
to work one-On-One.
That's cool.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks, Fresh.
See, I knew you'd understand.
Hmm.
Hey, is that a new flare gun?
Yup.
The new sg233.
Long fire flares
that last, like,
Five times as long
as the regular flare gun.
Very cool.
# Informer
licky boom-Boom down... #
Fresh,
He's singing in his sleep.
Dude, this is like
a private concert.
# Licky-Dicky
boom-Boom down... #
I have got to record this!
Oh, shit,
I must have dozed off.
Geez, point that
somewhere else, brother.
You scared the shit out of me.
Hey, don't worry.
Fresh isn't stupid enough
to bring a loaded flare gun
Into the car.
Jet lagged like a...
Hey, snow.
Is it be okay if Fresh
takes a picture of you,
And I can send it
to my girlfriend, Cathy?
She's a huge fan.
Yeah, man, no problem.
Cathy?
I knew a girl Cathy from fernie,
Came to my concert one time.
Yeah, she toured with the band
for about a month,
If you know what I mean.
But go ahead take that picture.
- Ready, snow?
- Yeah.
Smile.
Oh, this is so
Not gonna look good
on my performance review.
No, it's not.
# The line runs through
like a train in a book #
# Or metres underwater
# Ending with a hook
# It sways in the air
# When there's wind
enough to lift... #
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
Well?
- This was a good idea.
- Right?
I know, this place
is my favourite.
You have to try
the bagels here.
They're the shit.
Hey, do you guys want
any breakfast?
Uh, could I get
A venti decaf soy latte
And a gluten-Free
cran-Apple scone?
Okay, we'll just have
two coffees
And the usual, please.
Thank you, mike.
We're in fernie.
Right.
Um, Theo is so generous.
I have no idea
How he makes a living.
I do not understand that guy.
He's just throwing
his life away.
Why? Come on,
what's the problem?
He's happy.
What about you?
Are you happy?
Sure.
For the most part.
I am kind of stressed out
With some of
this wedding stuff.
Really?
You should tell me.
I want to know. Please?
Why does it have to be
so complicated?
It's not complicated.
You're basically
organizing a party.
It could be done in, like,
I don't know, six hours.
I swear, the complexity
of it all
Is just a woman's way of testing
how much bullshit
Her future sucker's
going to put up with.
Wow. You are
so romantic.
Actually, I am.
I just don't think
"romance" and "wedding"
Should ever be uttered
in the same sentence ever,
Ever, ever.
Okay.
What do you think romance is?
I don't have
an idea of romance.
Romance just happens.
It's just romance,
it's what it is.
It's, you know...
how you feel when you look
at someone in the eyes
And you know they're feeling
The exact same way
that you are.
Or it's, you know,
Drinking peach schnapps
Out of your boyfriend's
bellybutton
Before fucking like hobos
on bathsalts
For an hour and a half,
I don't know.
I'm just pretty sure
whatever it is,
It's not getting drunk
and dancing to Enrique Iglesias
In front of
all your parents' friends.
You see, we could never date,
Because I would not drink
anything out of a bellybutton.
They're filthy,
Right?
They're like
a non-Functioning
Slightly more attractive anus.
Ew.
Yeah.
I just hope you know
what you're doing,
Because you're
a pretty good catch.
This just in,
Juno award-Winning
reggae musician snow
Is in critical condition
After being shot in the throat
with a flare gun...
this is huge.
I've got to call the guys.
...the concert scheduled
for Sunday night in fernie
Is cancelled.
It's true.
Are you telling me
that snow is out?
There's no way he can perform.
Why is it
That everything you touch
turns to shit?
It wasn't my fault!
It was an act of god.
Well, we better pray
That an act of god
stops this loser's party,
Or else!
Or else?
The balls will no longer
Share the taint with the anus.
I don't follow.
Hold on.
Mm.
Sergio, this is delicious.
Load me up.
You solve this problem,
Or you're cut off!
No more free condo.
No more free car leases.
No money.
You got it?
I will do everything
in my power to fix it, daddy.
You will pull out
all the stops on this one.
Yes, sir.
I love you.
Ah, I love you, too.
Fernie cold beer and wine.
Steve...
hey.
I need about 50 cases of kokanee
Delivered to waxopolis
for Sunday.
Ah, for your big party.
Indeed.
Would love
to fill that order, but...
but?
I'm out of stock.
Got a call from the brewery.
The truck went
missing this morning.
Missing?
What do you mean?
They said the delivery truck
Had been gone for quite a while,
But hasn't called in.
But there's another delivery
on Monday.
The party's on Sunday.
Oh.
Yeah. Right.
Well, I'm sure you could get
some out of town.
Cranbrook.
Well, I'll come by
your place later
And drop some flyers off
So you can spread the word.
Sounds good, man.
Okay, see ya, Steve!
# Awoke today with
the same appealing vision #
# Of you and I the way
we had dreamed it would be #
# To live a life
of souls on the run #
# Then you kind of whispered
on your mark... #
Is there anywhere else
around here that's open?
No, this is it.
Damn.
Dude, don't worry.
No, man, I got to take a shit.
Oh.
In there.
I hate to say it, but
it's not looking good, Theo.
Oh, it'll be fine.
Don't worry, Adam.
We can't have a party
without beer.
If we don't have this party,
We can't save your business.
Look, maybe I can
find somebody here
To structure
a bankruptcy deal for you
So you're not paying off
debts forever.
Do you think you could talk
To one of your lawyerly guys
at your place?
Get me more time?
Look, I got
a confession to make.
There's a developer
That's trying to acquire
your property.
What?
They're called
magnadeuce properties,
And they're a major
client of ours, man.
I just found out.
What?
That's not the worst of it.
You remember that paper
That I filed at city hall?
Yeah.
That kind of clears the way
For them to go ahead
with the deal
Without getting challenged
By the zoning board.
That's cool.
No, Theo, listen to me.
My client is trying
to appropriate your property.
Your business is
done, man. Finished.
Look,
My spiritualist, Jeremiah,
says there is no end
And no beginning.
And he's a fucking moron,
Okay?
Come Monday, waxopolis is over.
Done.
Do you understand?
I understand.
Finally.
I'm sorry for what I did
to your business.
You can't talk about
Jeremiah like that.
Are you fucking serious?
I ruined your business,
and you're upset
Because I insulted
your spiritualist?
I'll see you back in fernie.
Theo...
come on, man!
Theo!
I'm going to take a walk.
Clear my head.
I'll hitch back.
Theo, come on, man.
Fuck!
Chief, you wanted to see us?
I gave you two morons
One job to do,
And you fucked it up!
We're sorry, chief.
We told snow not to play
with the flare gun.
Are you being smart with me?
You two clowns are lucky
He has no recollection
of what happened.
There's been another attack
On an elderly person.
A man who lived
one property away
From the old lady.
Forensics found
this stool sample
At the crime scene.
Whoa.
Match the footprint.
Have the lab analyze it.
Fresh.
Yes, sir.
Move it!
Whoo-Ee.
Coming out feeling
10 pounds lighter.
Where's Theo at?
He decided
to walk back to fernie.
What?
Man...
why the hell would he go and do
some dumb shit like that?
I don't know,
Maybe because
I ruined his life?
Oh, man, I was afraid
this was gonna...
what?
Did he tell you he loves you
or something like that?
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, come on, man.
- No!
- Come on, dawg, really?
He's just upset
'cause of his business.
No, he's in love
with you, okay?
And now he's going to
get attacked by a bear,
And the bear
is going to rape him.
- What?
- Yes! And do you know
That bears have barbed penises?
How the fuck do you know that?
All that footage you see...
Just listen, dog,
all that footage you see
Of the dead bodies?
That's not from their teeth.
The penis rips...
How do you know this?
I watch wild kingdom.
I feel bad enough as it is,
Let's not hoist
all this crap on me.
No, we need to go pick him up,
Because that dude,
he thinks I'm Asian.
Yeah...
yeah.
You need to pick him up.
I'm not going to be here
when the shit goes down,
When he gets killed.
No, no, they'll be
looking at me,
Because I'm the only brother
in cranbrook right now.
Guaranteed.
- Yeah.
- We need to go.
We should get you
back to fernie.
We should go.
Yeah. Let's go get him.
Ow, fuck!
Don't just stand there,
tit bucket!
What the fuck are you doing
in here, shaft-Yanker?
I don't care what you do.
Just don't touch the wifi.
Okay, plug every drain you see.
Then we'll turn the water on.
I want this place so fucked up,
That taint-Pilot
won't want it back.
Holy shit-Farts.
That clit-Basket
works for dad's law firm.
Barry! Come here!
Change of plans,
anus-Slapper.
We're not going to flood
this shit-Hole anymore.
Aw.
No.
We're gonna fuck these losers
in a real way.
A very real way.
# Does your mother
tell you things? #
# Long, long when I'm gone?
# Who you talking to?
# Is she telling you
I'm the one? #
# It's a grave mistake
# And I'm wide awake
These berries look delicious.
Holy crap.
Sasquatch.
Where's mcsorley?
Over here.
Get back to work!
Hey, sasquatch.
How are you?
What's happening here?
We're trying on bikinis
for our next scene.
We're shooting
a kokanee commercial.
Cool.
Is that why I saw the dude
With the furry suit?
That's not just a dude.
That's Marty Mcsorley.
The famous gynecologist?
Ah, no.
The hockey player.
He's working on
his acting career.
Are you okay?
I think I ate
a bad batch of berries.
They're not sitting pretty.
Yeah, you don't look so good.
Can you direct me
to the washroom, please?
You mean
the porta-Potty?
Yeah.
Go to woods where you see
that orange marker.
Follow the trail
down to a set of rocks.
Go right, then left,
Then go down the small hill,
and it's on the right.
You can't miss it.
Got it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thanks for getting to this
so quickly, gord.
No, problem, guys.
So, what's the verdict?
Well, there's definitely
a footprint there
Larger than a human's.
Is that sasquatch's turd?
I wish.
It was probably made
by a grizzly bear.
Blueberries.
Salmon bones.
What's that?
Oh, I must have missed that.
Okay, zoom in.
Enhance.
Zoom in a little more.
Enhance.
To the left. Zoom in.
Zoom in.
Wait, back out.
What is that?
It looks like
a hair of some sort.
It wasn't internalized
by the bear.
It's on the surface.
My guess is it was left there
By whatever made the footprint.
Let me see if we can get
you guys an ultraviolet scan.
Hmm.
Well, it's not human.
Yes!
Well, it's not
sasquatch's either...
that's man-Made.
That's a polymer-Based
synthetic.
Sort of thing
you might find in a wig
Or in a costume.
Anything else?
No, that's it, gents.
Thanks, Gordo.
Oh, hey, Glacier.
Yeah?
Uh, say hi to Cathy for me.
Oh, you know Cathy?
Do I know Cathy.
She's a friend.
Of a friend...'s neighbour.
Tell her, "hi from gord."
Gord from the lab.
She walks my dog...
if you know what I'm saying.
Make sure you say
"lab gord," too!
Not "r&d gord."
That's a different guy.
My nickname's "horse!"
Look, we got to
figure out a way
To make this party happen.
It's my fault that
Theo is in this mess.
Your fault?
You said when you came up here,
You didn't know
that your client
Wanted this property, right?
Yeah.
And the only reason
you're involved in this
Is that that big, fat
bloated dude had a heart attack
And shit all down your mouth
And down your throat, right?
He did not shit
down my throat, okay?
He had a heart attack
on the toilet.
The fart was
a little misty, but...
Tomato, tomahto, okay?
You are a victim
of circumstances, my friend.
Well...
and Theo?
Man, that dude's a victim
Of being born with
his head up his ass.
Either way,
it's not your fault.
I can't help but feel
like it is.
The guy's practically family.
We've got to figure out a way
to make this party happen.
All right, fine, fine.
Maybe I can get the beer.
How do you plan on doing that?
Well, I have made a lot of
girlfriends in fernie.
We've only been here for a day.
Does that surprise you?
I'm the only black man
for miles around.
This is light.
How does this help?
These women got
to have some beer,
Or know someone
who does have some beer.
I'll simply exchange
my body for beer.
Huh?
Okay. Okay, you hunt
for the beer,
I'm going to continue to set up.
Pow. All right.
Hey, Marty! Hey, Marty!
You're going too fast!
Wait up!
I'll follow you to the can!
Thanks, trav.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, yeah,
I'll tell her you said hi.
So, what did
the costume shop say?
They only had one costume
That matched the colour
of the hairs
Found in the turd.
Oh?
Turns out they made
some custom sasquatch outfit
For some commercial.
Hey, you'll never guess
who's playing sasquatch.
Who?
Marty Mcsorley.
The fashion designer?
Get out.
The hockey player.
Really?
So I guess we just
have to find Marty.
I can't believe Mcsorley
is our prime suspect.
- Incredible.
- I know.
I mean, what are the odds?
Oh. I meant
that it's incredible
That you get, like, five boners
throughout the night.
That's a lot of boners.
Five boners?
That doesn't seem like
a lot of boners.
Check that again.
You sure that's not
five boners an hour?
I'm just saying,
that's not a lot of boners.
Trust me, not where I come from.
Where do you come from?
Prison.
Hmm.
# I never needed love
# Like I needed you
# And I never lived for nobody
# But I live for you
#Baby
# Ooh, I get chills
when I'm with you #
# Oh-Oh, whoa-Oh
# Oh, baby
# My world stands still
when I'm with you #
# When I'm with you...
hello!
Who are you?
I am the one
Who watches over what goes on.
Am I dead?
No, you just smell like it.
What should I do?
Look inside...
- my heart?
- No.
My soul?
Can I finish?
Sorry.
Look inside the kokanee truck.
It's parked by the lake.
When?
When should I look in the truck?
Later today.
Rest for now.
You look like
a bag of caribou ass.
I really appreciate your help.
I think Theo has
all the ingredients here
For a very lavish affair.
If we get beer,
and tunes, and people,
It'll be a hit.
And it's for a good cause.
You're a great friend, Adam.
Theo's very lucky to have you
look out for him.
Honestly, I kind of feel
like the party's as much for me
As it is for him.
What do you mean?
I guess I'm just
glad to be back, you know?
I miss it here.
Don't you ever struggle
with your decisions?
Adam, I do what I love,
And if I don't love it,
then I stop.
You should try it some time.
I kinda hate you.
Who's that?
No idea.
Hey, Adam.
Danielle.
How the fuck are you two?
What do you want, Mick?
I ran into someone
you may know...
By sheer fucking coinkidink.
Adam, you know Edith.
The woman who holds your career
By its fucking nutsack.
Oh, fuck.
So, nice to see you, dear.
Mick was kind enough
to fly me out
To see some of the properties
We've been working
on at the firm.
Is that your boss?
Yes.
Edith, this is Danielle.
Hmm.
Now, Mick here
has been telling me
That you may have been
interfering in a deal
That is very important
to his father's company,
Which means
That it's very important
to our firm.
Now, we sent you out here
to shut down waxopolis,
Not save it.
Adam, what the shit
Is she talking about?
I'm sorry, dear,
Your girlfriend doesn't know
why you were sent out here?
I was covering
for a sick partner
At the firm, okay?
I had no idea.
Come now, come now, Adam.
You knew exactly
what you were doing.
You were trying to take
Theo's property?
I didn't know.
I swear.
I'm sorry, dear.
Adam will say anything
To try to get into
a woman's panties.
Lord knows, he tried with me.
Oh...
so, this is how it is?
Danielle...
why don't you
Go back to
wherever you're from?
But I'm from here.
No, you're not.
Not anymore.
Oh, dear, it looks like
I've upset your girlfriend.
Is there anything I can do
to console you?
You've done enough, Edith.
Mick, would you be a love
and take me back to my hotel?
I'm at the ridgeside.
Room 234.
Please stop by
And bring the copies
of the injunction request.
Looks like
your party's over, dickweed.
Literally.
Fuckin' finito!
Yeah, fat lady sung,
Went home, ate a burrito,
And took a shit all over
your fuckin' party!
I get it.
You'd better fuckin' get it.
You're a load
Your mom should have
swallowed, dickweed.
Fuck you, Adam.
...'Cause I'd love to direct.
- Marty Mcsorley?
- Yeah?
You're under arrest
For terrorizing Marjorie brown
and Phillip Jones.
Gimme that!
What's going on?
We're taking
your star here, downtown.
You can't do that.
You'll shut down production.
So find another sasquatch.
And how are we
supposed to do that?
Oh, I don't know,
Why don't you hold
another contest?
Let's go, chuckles.
Wait a minute,
We'll be missing the big party.
We got to get him
to the station.
Can't we just
Check it out
for a couple hours,
And then book him?
He'll probably enjoy it.
You cool if we
stop at the party?
Can I at least
call my attorney?
Again?
If he likes to party, sure.
Let's go.
Another one?
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
I don't mean to ask
A clich bartender question,
But why the long face?
I got a lot going on.
I've really
let down some friends.
Sorry to hear that, brother.
Thanks.
Do you ever think about,
I don't know,
Maybe killing yourself?
What?
No. Why?
I'm just saying,
If things are that bad,
Why not?
I mean, you look like shit,
to be honest.
If it was me,
I'd probably just
get it over with.
Oh.
Reverse psychology.
A little bartender wisdom.
No.
Oh.
Seriously.
Just go in the washroom.
No one's around.
I'll come get the gun
after I hear the shot.
It'll confuse the hell
Out of the cops.
Okay, things aren't that bad.
I'm not going to kill myself.
Have you looked
in a fucking mirror?
I mean, come on.
Just do it.
I'll go lay down
some plastic sheets
In the far stall.
Yeah, that's very funny.
I am not going to
kill myself, okay?
Why not?
It's the gun.
Is that it?
It's too messy?
No, I've got a lot to live for.
Like what?
A wife? Kids?
I'm guessing not.
I have great friends.
If they're so great,
why are you here alone?
Look,
Not long ago,
a friend of mine died.
From what I understand,
he's never been happier.
I think I'm going to take off.
You...
uh...
thanks for the talk.
See ya later.
Chickens hit.
Yeah.
That's it?
Where's the rest of the beer?
Look here, pimp sauce.
You don't know what,
Or rather who, I had to do
to get this beer,
So just shut your...
you think people
Are going to stick
around for this?
No, which is why I have
a band coming shortly.
I'll believe it when I see it.
Damn, look, you know what, man?
You think I'm buying
this bullshit you spouting?
Some guru? Please.
Look at you, man,
You look like
a retarded Mongolian pimp.
What the fuck are you wearing?
It's Italian velour.
I have very sensitive skin.
Maybe if you stopped
Beating your dick
against everything, man,
Every five seconds,
You wouldn't be so sensitive.
Don't judge me.
Judge you?
Hey! Hey!
You know what I had to do
to get that, man?
# The life you had known
# The pain that you show...
# I count all of
# The times you choke
# The last miracle
Edith?
# The emptiness of hope
# When all you want
# Is to be a stranger...
you know what, it's about
bloody time you called.
Do you know
how many things I have to do?
# A stranger...
the other day,
I tried to order chocolate cake,
And they didn't even have
chocolate cake!
# The lives you recall
# The things that you stole...
I'm glad I got you...
...and you're not even
here to help me!
You're absolutely pathetic!
We'll see about that.
Do you know how many times
I've had to make a phone call
on your behalf?
You can't even answer
your fucking...
# The lover that you hold
# Is no more than a ghost...
a sorry excuse for a...
# I've seen
the cold and the rain... #
You can't break up with me.
You'll never work
in any firm...
You're the biggest loser I've...
Fucker!
Adam!
What are you doing?
Where did you get this?
Dude, get in,
we've got a party to save!
Hey.
You all right?
No.
Oh.
Problem with your lady parts?
No.
It's that douchebag, Adam.
Whoa. Adam?
A douchebag?
Yeah, douchebag.
I'm sorry, Theo.
I'm the one
that should be sorry,
I think.
I didn't realize
I was about to ruin
everything for you.
Right, so him coming over here
trying to fuck over his friend
Doesn't make him a douchebag?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, he did not
know he was doing that, okay?
He just found out.
Dude, you would never
do anything to hurt me,
You were just doing your job.
You've got a great career,
it's going to be awesome.
Wait, look, look.
Adam is killing himself
about it, okay?
My man is a certified
straight-Shooter.
He's the real deal, that dude.
I'm telling you,
he's killing himself.
"Had" a great career.
What?
I quit.
So he wasn't just lying
to get in my pants?
You know, you seem
a little disappointed by that.
Shit, I'll lie to you
to get into your pants.
I'll lie to you all day
to get in those pants.
I'm just playin',
I won't, I won't.
You know, coming out here,
It's made me realize
how miserable I've been
Since I left.
I'm telling you
he's got morals.
He's got goals.
He's basically
the opposite of me.
I mean, don't tell anybody this,
But I kind of wish I could be
more like Adam.
Not white, still black,
But more like him, I'm sayin'.
I wish that, you know,
I could have a relationship
That didn't last just one night
And often involve a couple
midgets from the Bahamas.
But I'm not wired
that way, all right?
You know, it's cool right now,
But soon, I'm going to be
the dude that's at the club,
Just a little too old
to be at the club,
With super white teeth
And-And balls that are
as smooth as eggs.
Waxopolis international
needs a business manager
For its fernie division.
So, you need a manager?
Yeah, dude, honestly,
I was going to ask
Jeremiah to do it,
But I've come to the conclusion
That he has somewhat duplicitous
and ulterior motives.
Plus, I think he's a sex addict.
Theo, is that... Is that you?
I would be honoured
to work with you.
It's a deal, partner.
But Adam, meanwhile,
You can have a family,
Some kids running around,
A wife,
And balls that are
hairy as shit,
Because that's Adam.
Are you sure
he's on the up and up?
Come on, now.
I've known that dude
since I was in diapers.
Although that was just
a few years ago.
I was dating this chick, man,
This waitress, oh, my god...
Okay, shh. Shh. Shh...
thank you for letting me know.
I do what I can, you know.
Oh, snap, you got to be...
Looks like the party's
about to get started!
All right, let's do this!
Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Put your hands together
for my friends,
Down with Webster!
# Whoa is me I'm so whoa #
# See me decked out
from my head to my toe #
# Whoa is me I'm so whoa #
# Everywhere I go
I'm a one-Man show #
# I feel like
a Hollywood star... #
Marty!
Hey!
Remember me?
What's with this?
Mcsorley is under arrest
For terrorizing Marjorie brown
And Phillip Jones.
Marge and Phil?
But they're my neighbours.
"Were" your neighbours.
They got so freaked out,
They put their property
up for sale.
Wait a minute.
Why would Marty Mcsorley
terrorize your neighbours?
Who else had access
to that suit?
No one.
I keep it locked
in the condo that I rent.
Who's your landlord?
Douce? Douce, douce...
rick douce?
You mean Mick!
Of course.
Mick's wearing the suit
To terrorize your neighbours
To force them to sell,
Clearing the way
for his father.
Yeah.
Guys, you've got motive.
He's trying to
force them to sell,
And you've got evidence.
He's the only one,
other than Marty here,
To have access to the suit.
# The more I feel it
# Whoa!
# The more I need it
# Whoa!
# You say whoa...
what if Mick were behind this
So his dad could get
his hands on the property?
Genius.
Guys, I think fresh
just cracked this case.
Speak of the douche,
Here he is now.
What's up, jizz-Napkins?
I came to check out
Your fucking lame party.
Mick deuce,
You are under arrest
For assaulting
two fernie residents.
Guys...
I mean, there's got to be
some kind of a mistake here.
This little lawyer
Snatch-Napkin
Is putting shit in your head.
Nice try, Mick.
It's not going to work.
Fuck you, Adam.
I'm god out here.
Not anymore.
You're coming with us now.
Recognize this?
Whoa...
yeah.
Your mom left it on my chest.
# Whoa is me!
I'm so whoa! #
Hey!
Marty Mcsorley,
will you sign my stick?
Isn't that mine?
Do not put faith
In possessions, Theo!
Sorry.
Oh, hey, Mick.
Did you find what you wanted
when you broke into waxopolis?
- "Broke into"?
- Yeah.
I was busy masturbating,
And Mick broke in.
You broke into waxopolis?
What?
# ...To be so dope
that you like me #
# And me like whoa
Isn't that your girlfriend
making out with another guy?
Ha, I ain't
going to fall for that.
That does look
a lot like Cathy.
We're going to use
this evidence against him.
Stand back, fellas.
I fucked Cathy.
# You say whoa
# Whoa is me
I'm so whoa! #
Ladies and gentlemen,
The forecast is calling for
18 inches of snow!
# informer...
# licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says daddy snow
stabbed someone down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
# I'm gonna blame
a licky boom-Boom dem... #
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi!
I'm really sorry
about getting all mad
And stuff.
I didn't realize
your boss was a total psycho,
And you're not a complete
lawyer douchebag.
I'm not a lawyer.
I quit my job.
And my life.
I broke up with Clare.
Really?
Yeah.
I realized
I wasn't happy anymore,
And decided it was time
for a change.
So, what now?
I've changed my position
on belly buttons.
Well, you haven't
seen mine yet.
It's a cesspool.
I kind of want to.
Well, you can start
by getting me another drink?
Theo!
Hey, man, you did it.
We did it!
Oh, god...
I love you so much.
I love you, too, buddy.
I always knew you two
would get together.
Speaking of "getting together,"
Let's get that drink now...
hit that, son.
You make her say "Jason"
Two times!
That's right!
Taught him well.
I think I fucked
sasquatch last night.
That was a good one.
# Oh, your heart
# Was spinning on a string
# Such a decorative thing
# But never fluttering
# Whoa-Oh-Oh
I just want to know... #
Coming in 2014...
sasquatch pillow fight.
Starring Marty Mcsorley.
# Police-A them-A they come
and-A they blow down me door #
# One him come crawl through
through my window #
# So they put me in the back
of the car at the station #
# From that point on
I reach my destination #
# Now, the destination reached
was the east detention #
# Where they whipped down
my pants #
# And looked up my bottom
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer...
# a licky boom-Boom dem
# The bigger they are
# They think they have
more power #
# They're on the phone
me say that one hour #
# Me for want to use it
once to call my lover #
# Lover who I'm gonna call
is the one tammy #
# I love her from my heart
down to my belly #
# Yes, daddy snow
I'm the coolest daddy #
# The one mc Shan
and the one that is snow #
# Together, we are like
a music tornado #
# So, informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer...
# a licky boom-Boom
# Listen for me
ya better listen for me now #
# Listen for me
ya better listen to me #
# When I rock the microphone
I rock it steady #
# Yes, sir, daddy snow me
are the article don #
# When I'm at a dance they say
"where you come from?" #
CI, baby, Canada!
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# Informer
# You know say daddy snow me
I'm gonna blame #
# A licky boom-Boom dem
# 'Tective man says
# Daddy snow me stabbed someone
down the lane #
# A licky boom-Boom dem...