The Munsters (2022) Movie Script
1
(projector reeling)
(propeller engine humming)
(wolf howling)
(dramatic music)
(door creaking)
(ominous music)
- Ah, this is it.
(ominous music)
(wolf howling)
(metal clanging)
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
- Looks kind of... empty.
- Gee.
Ya think?
- Right, pardon me,
but may I help you two
lovely lads with something?
- Hey boss, there he is.
What do you know, he's a zombie.
- Indeed, I am.
- Hey, true or false?
- Yes.
- Are you the guys
that eat brains?
- Why yes, I do enjoy a
nicely grilled cerebellum
with a side of chips.
Ah! The bigger the better.
(chuckling)
- Well then, Floop, you're safe.
- Harsh.
- Quite rude.
Oi! Hello.
- Zombie problem solved.
- Ugh.
He's so brittle.
- Look at him, Floop.
A stinking, rotten bag
of human garbage, oh.
- Yep, he's a real sack of crap.
So why do you want him?
- This man is Franz Pennywhacker
the world's greatest pianist.
I want those phalanges.
- Ah, I get it.
I don't get it.
- Photo.
Snap to it.
(claps)
Chop, chop!
- Hold it.
Smile for the birdie.
- Come on, come on.
- Aw, come on.
You can smile bigger than that.
Ah, no, don't do the finger.
Uh, what else ya got?
Yeah, okay, we'll do that one.
(flashing)
(grunting)
I sure hope all these
parts fit together.
You know, a man's more
than the sum of his parts.
I don't mean just slap
together Superman.
- Wow.
How incredibly
thoughtful and sensitive
and yet so insightful.
Come on, we have a
lot of grave robbing
ahead of us this evening.
Hiya!
- Couldn't we have
gotten a horse for this?
- Onward. We have
little time to waste.
- I hate this job.
(light organ music)
(gasping)
(ominous music)
(growling)
(snapping)
- Ow, oh, oh, oh! The back!
Oh, the back's out again!
Oh, oh no, oh no!
(cracking)
Igor?
Igor, where are you? Come on.
Come out, come out.
I know you're around here.
Come on, you little
flying rodent.
Igor!
Igor where are you? Igor!
Ig--
Gah!
- Right here, my Lord.
- Come on, my back's out.
I need you to do
that thing you do.
Come on, hurry, please.
- I'll get those
vertebrae as straight
as my great aunt Elva's
knickers.
I presume it's the
lumbar in that pesky L4.
- Yes, L4 and five.
Oh, ah!
Come on, come on.
Hurry up, hurry up.
Do it, do it.
Oi.
- All right, on three.
And three!
(cracking)
- Oh, gah.
- Better?
- Better.
Better.
Oh, Igor, thank you, thank you.
That's good.
I gotta tell you something,
once you hit 300,
everything starts to go.
And I mean everything.
- Sir, you keep telling me, sir.
- Is Lily awake?
- Yes, sir.
She's out on a date
with a Mr. Orlock.
- Oh, that's good news.
I really think she's
gonna fall for this fella.
I know a love
connection when I see it
and this is a love connection.
And I wanna tell ya
something about Orlock.
He's not only handsome,
but he's a real swinger.
And most importantly,
he's loaded to the fangs!
(chuckling)
(light organ music)
- So I assume you are Orlock?
- Yes, yes.
And you are?
- Um, Lily.
- Oh yes, yes, Lily.
It's always so hard
to remember the names.
- Oh.
- I'm hungry, let's eat.
- Okay!
- Ha, ha!
- Good evening, Mr. Orlock.
We have your usual table ready.
Please, follow me.
- So, do you bring
all your dates here?
- Yes, yes, every night.
- Oh.
Okay.
(chuckling)
(plates shattering)
Oh, whatever happened
to our waiter?
- He moves like a snail.
- Uh-huh.
It seems like they've
been waiting awhile.
- Oh, they are dead.
- Who's hungry?
I have one Cleopatra Special.
- Oo, hoo, hoo!
- No garlic, for the lady.
And one Anubis Salad.
- [Lily] This looks good.
- [Waiter] Extra onions.
Bon appetit!
- So how is your food?
- Delicious.
(squishing)
- Um.
Oh, so I noticed on
your dating profile
you only listed two hobbies,
the black plague and pestilence.
Which I thought, technically,
were both the same.
- Exactly the same.
I love them both equally.
- Oh, don't get me
wrong, I love it too.
It's just, you know,
kind of old news.
- Do you like rats?
- Of course, who doesn't?
- Oh! Good, good, good!
I have pictures of my
fuzzy little nuggets.
- Oh.
- Oh, ho!
- Somehow I'm not surprised.
- Mm, oh!
This is Eric.
He's a naughty boy.
- Oh, he's a cute little fella.
- Oh! This is Steve.
He's a real cut up.
Watch out for his hijinks!
- Oh, yeah, he's cute too.
- Oh, this Opie but
I call her Tubby.
She likes to cuddle
under my pillow.
- Uh-huh.
- He likes to sit
on my head, ha, ha.
- Marry me.
- Ah!
- She likes to
play hide and seek.
She's really big and fat.
Rolly polly, Jill.
Pumpkin!
(laughing)
Do you want to rub
Pumpkin's nose?
- Oh, I'm good.
- Oh, okay.
(eerie music)
- Come to me.
Be a good little wolf.
Ah, puppy.
Come forward and sit.
Awaken.
- Oh, man.
- You are a difficult
wolf to find.
Which is strange, because
you are the only wolf
in town that owes
Zoya big money!
- Me? Nah.
I've been around on the scene.
You know, rocking and rolling.
- I know scene, you are
not rocking man on scene.
- Ha, ha! Right, like
this guy knows the scene?
Give me a break!
- I get around.
- Enough!
You give me money now or Bella
will chop off your hand.
- Okay, stop.
Let's not get crazy.
I gotta ask ya a question.
Why you got a picture
of my pops on your wall?
(cackling)
- That is ancient,
unfinished history.
- Uh, I don't like
the sound of that.
- He should call.
- It is time for you
to make the call.
(dramatic music)
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Igor, get the phone.
I'm watching TV.
(phone ringing)
What does he do
that's so important
that he can't be
here when I need him?
(phone ringing)
Nevermind, I'll get it myself.
It's not like I'm the Count.
Yeah, who is this?
Leave me alone.
- Yo, pops!
How ya been, baby?
- Hey guess what?
You're very lucky, I'm
in a good mood tonight.
I'm gonna give you
exactly two seconds.
Are ya ready?
Go.
- I know a straight as an
arrow business lady who--
- Time's up.
- Listen, pops, she
wants to buy the castle
and transform it into a
casino slash theme park.
We can't lose.
What do ya say?
- Get the hair out of your ears
and listen very, very closely.
I would rather go into
business with Jack the Ripper!
Who by the way is
no Jack the tipper.
5% tops with this guy,
it's an embarrassment.
Than ever go into
business with you!
Moron.
- I assume you
heard what he said.
- All Zoya hear was
big, big trouble
for little wolf, wolf.
- Funny.
That's what I heard too.
(woman screaming)
- Oh, nice neighborhood.
So, do you live around here?
- Yes, yes.
Just around the corner.
- Oh well, that's convenient.
- Oh yes, yes.
Very convenient.
I have a little surprise.
Close your eyes.
- Oh.
- Come with me.
Just over here.
Okay.
No peeky-peeky.
(funky music)
Open your eyes!
(funky music)
Disco vampire
Disco vampire
Disco vampire
Sexy, sexy
Sexy, sexy
- Ah.
(pop)
(dog barking)
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh.
Okay.
- [Announcer] You're
watching TV 666 Transylvania.
(dramatic music)
- [Reporter] Breaking news!
- What, what's this?
- [Reporter] With Donna Doomley.
- Good evening, I'm Donna
Doomley with breaking news.
Transylvania's
favorite funny man,
Shecky Von Rathbone, has died.
Shecky was eaten
alive last night
by an irate heckler.
- You're momma's so stupid, uh,
she stared at a cup of
orange juice for 12 hours
because it said concentrate.
- You call that jokes?
The guy got what he deserved.
- I got a good job.
I mean, working at
a mirror factory
is something I could totally
see myself doing sexy.
- The remains of Shecky were
taken to the Dew Drop In
Funeral Home.
(chuckling)
Shecky's death comes just hours
after the passing of his
brother, Shelly Von Rathbone,
world renown astrophysicist.
Sometimes referred to as
the smartest man on earth.
- Silicon carbide
grains are present
in refractory inclusions.
A mere child could
trace the torsions.
- Shelly's body
also lies in state
at the Dew Drop In Funeral Home.
Although it is
unlikely that anyone
but a complete moron, and
I do mean complete moron,
would ever confuse
these two men.
I'm Donna Doomley
and I will continue
to bring you the
news as it breaks.
- I'll stand guard
from across the way
while you steal the second most
brilliant brain of our time.
- Question.
And I know what
you're gonna say.
Leave the sciencey
stuff to you, but,
why don't we steal the first
most brilliant
brain of our time?
- Because, my dear Floop,
I'm still using it.
- Geez, conceited much?
- No, not conceited at all.
Simply dropping ice cold facts.
Well, giddy up, little doggy.
And remember!
Shelly Von Rathbone.
No other brain shall do.
- What do I look like, a moron?
Don't answer that!
I wrote it on my hand.
- Oh god.
(door creaking)
- Nope.
Nope.
Bingo!
Well, hello Mr. Von Rathbone.
Sorry, old boy.
But I'm gonna be
needing that melon.
(sawing)
(thundering)
(somber music)
(cracking thunder)
- Think of it!
The brain of a super
genius transplanted
into the body of a
perfect physical specimen.
Ha, ha, ha!
- So what are ya gonna call him?
- I hadn't given much thought
to such trivial matters,
but now that you mention it,
Project 27X67H54 is a bit dry.
(munching)
Ah!
As I stride this unholy planet
as a modern day
Prometheus, perhaps Uranus!
God of the sky!
- Seriously?
You're making his
life a lot harder
than it has to be with
a name like Uranus.
- Well, I suppose you
have a better idea.
Okay, go on, out with it.
- I don't know, Herman.
- Herman?
- Yeah.
I had a pitspire named
Herman, he was a swell guy.
Hm, he's gonna need
a last name too.
How about Munster?
- Do you really
think I would call
the greatest creation in
the history of mankind
Herman Monster?
- Not Herman Monster,
Herman Munster.
Like the cheese.
- Like the cheese!
Out of my way, you simpleton.
I've got work to do.
(snapping electricity)
- Let's make history, Floop!
Are you ready?
Three!
Two!
One!
And away we go!
Ah, ha, ha!
(buzzing electricity)
Ah, ah, I want more volts!
Woo, ah!
Woo!
Yes, we need it!
We need more power!
Ah!
- Don't do it!
You'll kill us both!
- Ah, ha!
- [Announcer] Warning, warning!
- Give me more power!
- Are you insane?
(cackling)
- Woo! Ha, ha, ha!
Live, I tell you!
Live!
(cackling)
Cut the power, Floop!
And done!
Oh, my creation is born.
(ethereal music)
- I'm no expert.
In fact, you yourself called
me a, what was that again?
- Simpleton.
- Right, simpleton.
So, take this in the
proper spirit, but uh.
Shouldn't he be
moving or something?
(thudding)
- Interesting.
- Anything going on in there?
- No!
(whimpering)
No!
(sobbing)
- Well, what are ya gonna do?
It's alive!
Alive!
Oo, no, ugh.
I was talking about my
pet cockroach, Ernie.
You see, I thought he was
dead, but look, he's fine.
(chirping)
(squishing)
Aye!
Oh no, he's still fine.
Tough little bugger.
- You have no idea what this
failure means to humanity.
I could have changed the
course of life as we know it.
I could have altered mankind's
place in the universe.
I could have...
(yawning)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I boring you?
(yawning)
Well, am I?
(muffled screaming)
Don't speak, my dear creation.
Don't speak.
Save your words of wisdom
for the grand unveiling.
Ha, ha, oh.
The world will be watching.
Ha, ha, ha!
- [Announcer] Live from the
beautiful Carpathia Mountains
it's "Good Morning
Transylvania."
With your host, the one
and only, Ezra Mosher.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Ezra.
- Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to "Good
Morning Transylvania."
I'm your host, Ezra Mosher
and we are coming to ya live
from the very windy studio--
- So I really thought
you and old Orlock
were gonna hit it off.
Maybe you should give
him another shot.
All right, so he's
a little obsessed
with the black plague.
A man needs his hobbies.
- It's not just that.
I want a man that makes
my blood run cold.
A man that every time
he enters my crypt,
it's like a stake through
my dead, black heart.
- I could whip ya up a
hubby down in the lab.
- Oh no! Remember what
happened last time?
It took us a month to
get him off the roof.
- He was batty, but
he sure had charisma.
- Eh.
Now, can we change the
subject of my love life?
- So your idiot brother
Lester called last night.
- Mm, let me guess.
He's broke again.
- He wants me to sell our castle
and cut him in on the deal.
- Well, at least he dreams big.
- Heh, his dreams are my bank
accounts worst nightmare.
Oh.
- Oh my goodness.
We've got a great treat
in store for everyone.
Our favorite mad
scientist, Dr. Wolfgang,
is here to unveil
his latest creation.
Oh, ha!
Now ladies and gentlemen.
Let's give a warm, "Good
Morning Transylvania" welcome
to the one, the only Dr.
Henry Augustus Wolfgang!
Oh, ho, ho!
- Oo, hoo, hoo!
- [Ezra] What a pleasure
to have you here.
May I call ya Henry?
(clattering plates)
- Oh, finally.
- Raven's egg with a side of
tarantula hash browns, my lady.
- Oh, thank you, Igor.
It looks yummy!
(giggling)
- Bring it on, bring it on.
- We have something
extraordinary,
and I know everyone backstage
is so excited about
what's going on.
- Your regular, my Lord.
Ice cold.
- Some of the most
substantial intellects
in Transylvania have
called you certifiable.
- Well, these so-called
substantial intellects.
Well they can just eat
my (cuckoo whistle)
and kiss my rosy little
(cuckoo whistle).
- Oh, hoo, hoo!
- Well doctor, now that
we've got that out of the way
why don't you show
us what you've got?
(triumphal music)
- Speak, my child
of electricity.
Speak, my child of tomorrow!
Speak!
(grunting)
(gasping)
- Oh my god.
He is gorgeous.
Look at that head.
Perfectly flat.
You don't see that everyday.
- Hey, can you imagine having
a big maroon like
that in the family?
I couldn't live with the shame.
- Shh!
- Dazzle them with
some quantum physics.
- Huh?
(screeching)
- Enough talking.
Now a little music.
(growling)
(single note repeated)
(cracking)
(crowd laughing)
(screeching)
- Speak.
(grunting)
(crowd laughing)
- My mother-in-law fell
down a wishing well.
Boy, I didn't know those
things actually worked.
(chuckling)
My friend recently died
drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end,
but a lovely finish.
(laughing)
Maestro, hit it!
(light music)
A horse walks into the bar.
The bartender says,
why the long face?
Speaking of establishments,
I'm thinking of opening
up a restaurant.
I'm gonna call it Karma.
There's no menu.
You just get what you deserve.
(chuckling)
- Okay, okay, I
can actually feel
my brain cells dying.
Igor, change the channel.
(clicking)
- (deep voice) Don't you dare
touch that dial!
Oh!
- Goodnight, everybody!
I mean, good
morning, ha, ha, ha!
(upbeat music)
- He's perfect!
(light music)
- Ruined, I tell you!
Disgraced in front
of the entire world
by a dancing baboon.
- Don't worry, I got the
situation under control.
I've been working on some
really keen magic tricks.
- Magic tricks?
- Juggling?
- Juggling!
- Impressions?
- Wait until you get
a load of this one.
(shimmering)
- You gotta ask
yourself one question.
Do ya feel lucky?
Huh? Do ya, punk?
- Woo, I get chills
every time I hear it.
- I've heard enough!
Oh.
Farewell, comrades.
Away, I must go.
To live amongst the beasts.
And the lepers.
Of dark Zanzibar.
- The old doc sure isn't
cut out for show business.
- Well, it's a little more
complicated than that.
You see, there are
unfounded rumors
that I might have accidentally
switched brains and...
Ah, forget it! It's old news.
- Floopy, old boy, I've been
meaning to ask you something.
- What's that, big guy?
- For some strange reason,
I can't seem to
remember my name.
- Well.
Picture it in lights.
The greatest name in
all of show business,
izness, izness, izness.
Herman Munster!
(funky music)
Hey
Ha, ha, ha
Beauty's only skin deep
But ugly goes all the
way down to the bone
Down town
Come on, boys
Don't ride the beat
- Right this way.
On the fast lane
Did you hear the cemetery
raised its burial costs?
It's blamed on the cost
of living, look out
Choo, choo, choo
People say I have a
bad attitude, I don't
I just have a personality
you can't handle
Woo
So what if I don't know
what Armageddon means
It's not like it's
the end of the world
Hit it
It's Herman's time
Herman's here
Look out
Working in a mirror factory
Is something I could
totally see myself doing
Sexy
Keep up, boys, keep up
A little faster,
a little fast now
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo
Ah
Thank you, good night
(crowd cheering)
- I find wolf
sneaking out backdoor.
- When I hear your
Lester was in my club,
I was assuming he was
here to deliver good news.
- You own this joint?
- Zoya owns many joints.
- Yeah, I guess... I guess
I shoulda figured that.
- Well?
- Good news? Yes.
Well, I'm close.
I got a few irons in the fire.
I've got my feelers
out there in the street
and I'm pretty sure
with a little more time,
I can get you what
you want, heh.
- I give you two weeks
to get the castle.
Afterwards, you're head is mine.
- Nah, that ain't gonna work.
I am a Lego bat
I am a Lego bat
- I'm starting to think my
material is too intellectual.
Maybe I should return
to my vaudeville roots.
- Ugh, no way, man.
This is the wave of the future.
- What do you guys think?
- Ah, they don't know nothing.
- See, they agree.
- Don't listen to
them, they're relics.
I'm talking about the long road
to the tippity top!
- Well, maybe I should
go a bit more mainstream.
I am a man of many parts.
- The honey babies are falling
at your feet, you're the man!
- I'm not looking
for honey babies.
- Hey, baby, what's shaking?
- I'm looking for a
vision, a queen, true love.
- Forget about the dames, man.
Worry about the music.
We gotta feed the machine
and we gotta cut some vinyl.
The beast is
hungry, and besides,
Rome wasn't built in a day.
- True, but I believe I was.
- Yeah, well, that's
besides the point.
I need some hits.
- You want hits?
Okay, I'll give you hits.
(sighing)
Ah!
- So you give me what I want?
- Yes.
I will get that deed signed.
The castle will be yours.
And we can all live
happily ever after.
I promise.
- Get out.
(chuckling)
(funky music)
- What the heck?
Lily, I never thought
I'd see you haunting
these hallowed halls.
What brings you here?
- That, my dear brother,
is none of your business.
- I bet it's that
new cat, Herman.
I can dig it.
I was rapping with him earlier.
Solid dude.
- Seriously?
You know him?
How?
- You wanna meet him?
- Oh yes!
But I don't know if I trust
you making the introduction.
- Consider me your batwing man.
Although, I do seem to be
a little light tonight.
Danke.
- So?
Where is he?
- Who?
- Herman Munster!
- Oh, oh, oh.
Your Romeo is just down the
hall, last door on the left.
Or right, one of them doors.
Ha, ha, ha.
(howling)
(chuckling)
(squeaking rats)
(knocking)
- And what exactly do you want?
- Um, is Herman
Munster in there?
- Maybe.
And who should I say is calling?
- Lily.
(choral music)
- Why don't you
just take a number
and wait in the alley with
the rest of the chicks?
(crashing)
- Well, hello.
- Hi, um, I'm a big fan and um,
I was wondering.
Well, wait, no this sounds dumb.
But maybe would you like to
come over for dinner one night?
- Dinner.
I'd have to check my schedule.
Please hold.
(creaking)
Oh boy, oh boy!
Oh boy, oh boy!
Uh, yeah.
I happen to have
an opening sometime
in the near future.
What night were
you thinking about?
- Um, well, maybe tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
Hold, please.
- Oh.
(creaking)
- Whoa, tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
Uh, yeah.
I moved some
appointments around.
I think tomorrow works.
- Fantastic.
Here's my address.
And we usually eat early.
- Um, we?
- Oh, my father,
the Count and I.
- Ha, I can dig that, the Count.
Far out.
- Now I know you show business
people keep weird hours.
Shall we say around midnight
or is that too early?
- Well, I usually
have my bubble bath,
yummy treat, and nap time.
But yeah, midnight sounds great.
Tomorrow it is, my sweet Lily.
- Oh.
- Tootles.
(creaking door)
(Herman cheering)
Herman's got a date!
(light music)
I can't go, I tell
ya, I can't go.
- What are you talking about?
Why can't you go?
- I haven't got a thing to wear.
- Herman, you
gotta take it easy.
You're a stud.
She's just some undead chick
from out in the sticks.
Quit being so dramatic.
- Dramatic!
Lily thinks I'm a
Hollywood big shot.
A swinger in the in-crowd.
I'm no Bobby Darin.
She's gonna see right through me
and know I'm just a big boob!
- Ah, I need the perfect choice.
Herman isn't some lug
head who just fell off
the funeral truck.
He's a man of the world.
- Well boob or no boob,
when you got hot wax like this,
the world is at your feet, baby!
- Why, brother man.
With a disc like
this, who can resist?
- So Igor?
Which dress says I'm
very, very interested
but not a miserable
and depressed?
The silk baby tarantula web?
- Well, yes.
Well yes, of course.
- Or the faux
lizard silk chiffon?
- Oh, um, the faux.
Um, oh, well you could.
Maybe, yes.
- Igor, get with it!
- Yowza, baby!
Kick it! Woo!
- Oh!
- Fresh blood, get
your fresh blood!
Fresh blood!
Grab your fresh blood!
Fresh blood!
- Lilies!
Ha, this my lucky night.
- What else can I
do for you today?
- Well, everything
looks so great.
I'll take a bottle
of the B posit--
No! I'm gonna splurge.
O negative.
- Oh, that's a good year.
It's two leg, and
one for the lilies.
- Three leg? Wow,
prices are going up.
You know, that reminds me.
I bought a balloon yesterday.
I thought the same thing.
Must be the inflation.
Ha, ha, ha!
- Ah, ha, ha!
(light music)
- Hello, Lily!
That's too boring.
Good evening, my dear Lily.
That's too uptight.
Yo, what's up?
Nah, that's too glib.
It doesn't seem glib.
There's no good.
Hey, baby doll. What's shaking?
Let's blow this pop stand
and get our groove on.
Hermie's got the moves.
Back it up, back it up.
Hermie's backing it up.
- Hey, numbskull!
(record scratching)
- What?
- I said, hey numbskull!
- Excuse me sir,
can you speak up?
- I assume you are the
Herman Munster character
I've been hearing so
much about lately?
- Yeah, I think
I'm the only one!
When they made me
they broke the mold!
- With you in it, I presume.
- No!
I think I was out by that point!
- Wait there, I'm gonna come
right...
Down.
Are you gonna come inside
or do you wanna stand out here
swiveling your hips like
a rabid baboon in heat
for the whole
neighborhood to see?
- I'll come in!
- Why are you shouting?
- I thought you liked it!
- Why don't you come inside?
After you.
- Thank you!
I mean, thank you.
This is for you.
- Oh yeah, what is it?
- It's a bottle of O negative.
The blood lady said it
was a very good year.
- Well, you're very kind.
- Thank you.
- The kind I don't need.
(ethereal music)
- Hermie, thank you
so much for coming.
I hope you like curried
scorpion casserole.
I made it especially
for tonight.
- If you made it, I
know I'm gonna love it.
As a matter of fact,
I saved a special spot
for it right here.
I mean right here.
- Oh, you.
- Oh, these are for you.
- Thank you so much.
Lilies are my favorite.
- He gives her lilies
because her name is Lily.
We're dealing with some
serious brain power here.
- Father, that's quite enough.
Come on, Hermie.
I'll show you around.
- Yes, Lily.
- I beg her to make
curried scorpion casserole
and I get nothing.
All of a sudden Mr.
Herman Munster comes over
and it's raining curried
scorpion casserole.
- Oh, bebop, baloo-bop!
How low can you go?
(laughing)
I mean, the songs
just come to me.
I got a million of 'em.
I mean, I don't even know
where they come from exactly,
but I get a lot of hot
tracks up in this noggin.
(chuckling)
(slurping)
- Ah.
- You know, father,
Herman isn't just
another pretty face.
He's also very, very funny.
- Stop.
- Oh yeah, that's right.
Flat top here fancies
himself a comedian.
All right, dazzle me with
your side splitting wit.
- Okay.
Here's one I know
you're gonna love.
How do you keep a grouchy, old,
broken down,
vampire in suspense?
(light music)
- I don't know.
How do you keep a grouchy, old,
broken down vampire in suspense?
- I'll tell ya later.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ah, ha, ha!
- Oh, you.
(wheezing)
- Okay, what exactly are
your intentions here?
Because, as you can
see, I've been around
the cemetery a few times myself,
and you are not
going to bamboozle me
with your fancy
showbiz fast talk.
(creaking chair)
(sighing)
- I assure you, my good man.
My intentions are
nothing but honorable.
Deep inside
beats the heart of a
simple country boy.
- Oh.
- In fact, most of my parts
come straight from the dirt.
- Oh!
Did you hear that?
You can't get more
grounded than that.
A simple country boy
straight from the dirt.
- Preach it, sister.
- This is a bunch
of cornball hooey.
Listen, Herman, you may
have hoodwinked Lily
with your folksy gibberish,
but it ain't working on me.
- Okay, we're done here.
Enjoy your scorpion, father.
Come on, Hermie.
Let's go for a walk.
- Uh, well, it was
so nice to meet you
and I hope to see
you again soon.
- Over my dead body.
- That would be delightful.
- Oh, ignore him.
Come on, Hermie.
Come on, let's go.
- Okay, Lily.
(laughing)
- Hey by the way, your
scorpion is undercooked!
Igor.
- Sir?
- We have to do something
about this situation.
(light music)
- What's that?
- Oh, that's one
of my gravestones.
- Wow!
- I hope you don't
take the things
my father says to heart.
He's a bit old fashioned and has
a tendency to go
straight for the jugular.
- Let's hope it doesn't
come to that, heh, heh.
- Oh, I didn't
mean it literally.
Although to be safe,
wear high collared shirts
while you are getting
to know each other.
- Oh.
Lily it shall be
my mission in life
to get that man to like me.
And when Herman Munster
puts his head to something,
Herman Munster puts
his head to it.
Unless of course it falls off.
(wheezing)
- Can I confess something?
- Please do.
- I knew the moment
I laid eyes on you
that you were special.
I understand if you
don't feel the same.
I'm just a regular gal
living a boring, normal life.
- No, when I first saw you
my heart leapt from my chest.
If there's one thing I know
is that the rest of
the world melted away
as soon as you
appeared in my life.
- Oh, Hermie.
Mm.
- After you, my dear.
- Oh.
(upbeat harpsichord music)
They say we're young
and we don't know
We won't find
out until we grow
Well I don't know
if all that's true
'Cause you got me
And baby, I got you
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
They say our love
won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our
money's all been spent
I guess that's so,
we don't have a plot
But at least I'm sure of
all the things we've got
(chuckling)
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
- Uncle Gilbert!
I got flowers
What a surprise.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Nice to meet you, young man.
- It's an honor.
- That's quite a grip.
To wear my ring
And when I'm sad
You're a clown
And if I get scared
You're always around
Don't let them say
your hair's too long
Because I don't care,
with you I can't go wrong
Then put your
little hand in mine
There ain't no hill or
mountain we can't climb
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
(crowd cheering)
(crows cawing)
- Oh look, there's one.
- Oh Hermie, it's
so romantic here
with the soft, gentle
screech of the vultures
circling overhead.
- It sure is, dear.
Unfortunately the
clouds are clearing up
and the sun's coming out.
- Oh.
Pussy cat, this
last week has been
the most wonderful time
of all of my lives.
- Lily, I've been meaning
to ask you something.
- Oh yes, pookie bear?
- Okay, keep it
together big guy.
You're Herman Munster.
You got this, you practiced it.
Let's do it.
Lily, I...
- What is it?
Is something wrong?
- Will you, ma, ma, ma...
Marry me?
- Oh, Hermie!
You've made me the happiest
ghoul in the world.
- Everything you ever wanted
to know about magic spells
but were afraid to ask.
Igor, there's gotta be a
husband spell in here somewhere.
- Are you sure about this?
It seems that Miss
Lily is truly in love.
- Oh come on, you
know and I know
that we gotta get rid of
that bozo Herman Munster.
He's got no class.
- Class?
- Yeah, class.
He's a stitch job from the
wrong side of the cemetery.
He's not the type
of person I want
my Lily hooking up with.
Hamster.
Oh, hippopotamus.
Let's see, husband!
There's a husband spell.
- I really think you
should reconsider.
- Who's side are you on, anyway?
- Mine's the best one.
It's the most gruesome.
- It is not, mine is uglier.
- Oh yeah?
I've got the ugliest face.
- Freddy, we're talking
about the sweatshirts.
(giggling)
- Sorry things didn't
work out for you
so great at the leper colony.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, at least you came home
with that cool new T-shirt.
- They gave it to me when
they lost my luggage.
(creaking door)
- Hey, hey, you're back!
- It's not a crime to go
on holiday, now is it?
- Uh, well, you look good.
You look good.
Is something different?
New hairdo?
- Yeah, new hairdo.
- Spray tan?
- So, how'd it go?
I'm assuming she said yes?
- Oh God.
- Oh, I knew it!
I knew she was a phony.
Vampire chicks are all the same!
One bite and it's
so long, sucker!
- There's always somebody
that spoils everything
by chickening out.
- She said yes.
- That no good, fang banger!
Wait, wait, what?
- She said yes!
- [Together] She said yes!
- She said yes!
She said yes!
- Let's begin.
Alrighty, we'll start with
the chest hair of Tarzan.
For that swinging vibe.
There you go.
(giggling)
Oh, and of course
she'll want him
to have some special moves
so how about a pair
of dancing shoes.
One from Fred Astaire
and one from Gene Kelly.
(giggling)
And to top it all off
with a little swagger.
A cowboy hat of the one
and only John Wayne.
(horse whinnying)
Well how about that, the
Duke did wear a toupee.
(giggling)
And now some wizarding words.
Herman Munster dumb-dumb
will be no more.
When you bring the
perfect marrying man
to my sweet Lily's door!
(cackling)
What?
What?
Ugh, I always forget
one ingredient.
One simple ingredient.
Here we go, perfect
husband coming up.
(cackling)
Ah! Ah!
What? What?
Okay, alrighty, what went wrong?
(monkey screeching)
Hold on.
Ah! This isn't the
hair of Tarzan.
It's the hair of Cheetah!
Okay, time to shuffle
off to Buffalo.
Keep going, all right.
Ah, you win some, you lose some.
(wolf howling)
(humming)
Lily, is that you?
Ha!
Wow, hey.
You're in a good mood.
Everybody's in a
dancing mood tonight.
Is that a victory dance
because you finally got rid
of that bum Herman Munster?
La, da, dee
La, da, da
La, da, dee
- Wait a minute, what
exactly is going on here?
Are you drunk?
Did that good for
nothing give you wine?
- No, silly.
You know I never drink wine.
It's this.
- Is that what I think it is?
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, brother.
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
(ominous music)
(crows cawing)
(howling)
- Herman Munster!
How's it going, man?
- Man, it's going great.
And you are?
- I'm Lester, baby.
- Ah, Lester Baby.
- Your future brother-in-law.
- Oh!
- I'm the one who pointed
Lily directly to your door.
If not for me, who knows
if love would have bloomed.
- Oh, ho, ho, it is
so great to meet you.
- So listen, Herman,
now that you and I
are practically blood related
I think it's only
right that I tell ya
about this sweetheart
real estate deal.
- That sounds boss, man.
But, I think it's
best if Lily handles
the finances because I don't
have a head for numbers.
- Come on, Herman.
Get with it.
You gotta get
ahead of the curve.
If you wanna swerve.
- Oh, ho, yeah!
What do you mean?
- Now that you and
my lovely sister
are tying the knot, what's
hers is yours, right?
- Well, you do have a point.
(crows cawing)
- I assume you are the
man of the house, right?
- Yeah, well, I guess I am.
- You guess!
Come on, brother man.
Stick that chest straight out.
- I am the man of the house.
- That's the spirit.
Just sign on the dotted line
and you and your lovely bride
will be residing on easy street.
- Oh, goodie!
Lester Baby, you are
the man with the plan.
(ominous music)
Oh.
(screeching bats)
Oh!
(ethereal music)
- Please proceed with the vows.
- Dearest Lily.
You're the hemlock in my veins,
the cobweb in my brains.
I wanna boogie, oogie, oogie
'til we just can't
boogie no more.
- My sweet pussycat.
Rawr.
I knew from the moment
I saw your flat head
and that cute little scar,
that I wanted to
spend every moment
tightening those neck bolts.
All I ask is that we spend
the rest of my lives growing
disgracefully old together.
- And now the rings.
- Oh yeah.
Oh, uh, hey.
(blowing harmonica)
Yo-yo. Ha, ha.
- Yo-yo.
- Oh, there they are.
(chuckling)
- Oh!
- Herman, do you
take Lily Gruesella
to be your lawfully wedded wife
until a stake through
the heart do you part?
(sniffling)
- Oh.
- What a cream puff!
- I do.
- Oh!
(gasping)
- Lily Gruesella, do you
take Herman Dillon Munster
as your husband until a loss
of electricity do you part?
- I do!
- If anyone objects
to the marriage
of these two wretched
souls, speak now
or forever hold your peace.
- Yeah, uh--
(zapping)
I was just gonna say, good luck.
You're gonna need it
with that big dope.
(snapping)
- I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
(buzzing)
- Whoopsie.
- I now pronounce you
Mr. and Mrs. Munster.
Oh yeah.
(chuckling)
Pardon me.
Could someone please call 911?
- Come on, Hermie.
Mrs. Munster wants to
start her new life.
- Mrs. Munster.
(chuckling)
Bye!
- He's your bloody
problem now, mate.
(laughing)
(whimpering)
(light music)
- Oh, there's Lester.
(honking)
(howling)
- Did I miss the wedding?
- As a matter of fact, you did.
- Well, then, let me
take this opportunity
to congratulate my baby sister
and um, my new partner.
- Scram.
- Let's make some
money, brother!
(laughing)
(howling)
(belching)
- That Lester, what a character.
Gotta love him.
Ha, ha.
- What exactly was
Lester talking about?
You didn't give
him money, did you?
- Money? No!
He's just tipsy.
You know how wolves get
after a few too many.
- I know, my sweet,
adorable Hermie baby
wouldn't be dumb
enough to get into
a lame brain business
scheme with Lester.
- Business? With Lester?
Don't be ridiculous.
Ha, ha.
- Good, I would hate
to think I just threw
my life away
marrying a blockhead.
(ominous music)
- The castle is
now official yours.
(howling)
- Ah, it appears
your brother-in-law
is as stupid in
the brain as you.
(chuckling)
- What about my green?
- That's it?
- That is what is left
for you after our cut.
- My advice to you, don't
borrow money from Zoya.
- Trust me, you ain't
never seeing me again.
- Next time we won't
be so hospitable.
- There won't be no next time.
I'm going straight to Las Vegas.
So I can quadruple
my pitiful stack.
- Ha, ha.
Wolf never learn.
- Wolf is stupid.
(light music)
- Merci!
French fries.
Oh, look up there!
- Tres magnifique!
So, romantic.
(laughing)
(whistling fireworks)
- I hate to say it, but
old Paris is overrated.
These are some of the homeliest
people I've ever seen.
- I noticed that too.
And they sure have a funny
way of reacting to foreigners.
Some of these customs
seem downright rude.
- Well, wait a second.
I almost forgot.
I think this will
solve our problem.
We'll have no
trouble blending in.
- Oh, pookie!
You look so
continental and suave.
- I hope they don't confuse
me for Maurice Chevalier.
(laughing)
(patrons chatting)
- Oh, what a
beautiful sculpture.
(light music)
(patrons gasping)
- Hey look, a mime.
That's the height of French
culture, very classy.
- Oh right about now I think
I could use some culture.
(screaming)
- Sacre bleu!
(screaming)
- I don't get it.
- That's the loudest
mime I've ever seen.
- Must be that new modern
mime I was reading about.
- Oh.
- Oh, Hermie, look.
Oh, he's so cute.
What a sweetie.
- Oh, what's it say?
- Monstre les egouts de Paris.
- Huh?
- Monster haunts
the sewers of Paris.
- Oh, ho, ho! Oh, goodie!
Let's go.
- What a fun town!
(chuckling)
(eerie music)
- This is so romantic.
It reminds me of the
old neighborhood.
- Oh, I'm surprised
it's so empty.
I thought it would be
crawling with tourists.
- Oh, well this
is why it's empty.
It's closed.
- Oh!
I so wanted to find
that little cutie.
- Stand back.
(spitting)
(cracking)
(grunting)
(clanging metal)
(gasping)
- Oh, Hermie.
You're so manly.
(giggling)
- After you.
(giggling)
- Oh, I think I hear something.
(gurgling)
- There it goes!
- Ah!
(chuckling)
(creature growling)
- Herman.
(creature growling)
Herman.
(growling)
(Herman chuckling)
Oh, he's adorable!
(creature growling)
- Boy oh boy.
Boy, that is nice.
That is very, very nice.
Wow.
Look at this neck, it's
completely natural.
Yeah, boy, look at that.
(whistling)
That's what I say.
- I'm really a leg man, myself.
Preferably two if possible.
- What's that?
- Special delivery, my Lord.
From Zoya Krupp.
- Zoya Krupp?
Why does that name
sound familiar?
- I believe you
were once married.
- You know what,
Igor, you're right.
I was married.
Let me tell ya something.
I really dodged a
stake with this one.
Yeah, she was a little wacky.
And she swore she would
get revenge on me.
But you know, they all say that.
(chuckling)
- My dear Count, as you
once broke Zoya's heart
I now return the favor.
Enjoy being a peasant.
(screaming)
- Good news?
- We're being evicted!
- How is this pa, pa, possible?
- Because, I have a
complete numbskull
for a son-in-law!
(speaking in French)
- Huh?
Lily!
Your lover boy Herman
is getting lonely.
- Almost ready, pookie bear!
(ominous music)
- How's the newest member
of our family doing?
- Oh, he's being just
as cute as can be.
What should we name him?
- I was thinking, Spot.
- You know, he
looks like a Spot.
(ominous music)
(knocking)
- Oh, oh, goodie.
That's the champagne I ordered.
Room service at this
hotel is terrible.
Every time I order something
they just throw it at
me from across the hall.
- Oh, Herman.
You have to remember, we're
not in Transylvania anymore.
They do things
differently over here.
- Tell me about it.
I can't follow the plot of
this Woody Woodpecker cartoon
to save my life.
- Oh.
(speaking in French)
(knocking)
- Bonjour, mademoiselle.
(knocking)
(chuckling)
Merci beacoup.
(sighing)
- Sweetie, I'm ready.
Father!
What's going on?
- This halfwit, blockhead
dummy you married
just signed over our castle
to my crazy ex, Zoya.
- Well Lester said, if
I didn't swerve then...
No, wait.
If I don't curve
that I don't swerve.
- Oh Herman, how could you
let Lester drag you into this?
- Yeah, now thanks
to swervy curvy here,
we are effectively homeless.
- Well, there's only
one thing left to do.
- What's that?
- I'm gonna hold my breath
until we get the castle back.
(grunting)
- What are we going to do?
- Oh.
Who's that lawyer that's
always advertising
in the back of the
Transylvania Gazette?
The one that says
he can win any case?
- Shady MaGoon!
I know him.
There's not an honest
bone in his body.
He's untrustworthy,
unethical, and immoral.
- Good.
I will give him a
call when we get back.
(groaning)
(howling)
Who's the freak
With the claws for hands
Oh no
It's Zombo!
Who's the boss of
Creepyland, the king
It's Zombo
(chuckling)
(muffled shouting)
- So you've looked at our case.
(muffled shouting)
Right.
Okay, lightning.
(shouting)
Yes, I understand, shark.
(muffled shouting)
Right.
Lunar eclipse.
(shouting)
Well, thank you.
- Hey, that sounded promising.
What did they say?
- We have a better chance
than being struck by lightning
while being attacked by a
shark during a lunar eclipse.
In other words, we have no case.
What are we going to do?
- Ha, why don't you ask
magna cum dum-dum over there
what we're gonna do.
He's the one who got
us into this mess.
- Friar Zombo.
The most handsome man in
Hollywood, California.
- Herman!
Herman Munster!
- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?
- Hollywood, California.
- So?
- I was thinking.
- Please, please,
please, do us a favor.
No more thinking.
- As I was saying before I was
so rudely interrupted.
If that guy's a star,
imagine what'll happen
when they get a look at me.
I'm a 10.
Zombo's a seven at best.
- That man on the boob
tube has actual talent.
- Oh Herman, you
can't be serious.
I don't wanna leave our
beloved home country
and move to Tinseltown.
- Crumble Creature Crackers.
- As head of this
household, I've decided.
- Take it out of
the box like this.
- The Munsters have
out grown Transylvania!
- And then you destroy
it in the bowl!
- Hey, what about me?
- What about you?
- Lily.
You're not gonna let
your lame brain husband
abandon your poor, old,
broken down father.
- Oh, of course not.
Herman.
- Okay, he can come too.
(giggling)
But all your junk stays
here in Transylvania.
Including that freeloading Igor!
No offense.
- None taken.
- Oh.
- This is a fresh start.
All you get is one box.
- One box is all I need.
(laughing)
- Perfect.
Perfect.
Well, Igor.
This is gonna put a little
flutter in your wings.
(cackling)
- Are you sure about this, sir?
I'm getting on a bit in age
and I could suffer
from the side effects
of the transformation.
- Oh come on.
What's a couple side effects?
- Um, perhaps I should stay.
I noticed Lord Grimsby is
canvassing for a new pool boy.
- Trust me, Grimsby
Manor has no pool.
- Then why would he...
- Look, do you wanna go
to America with me or not?
- Well...
Yeah.
- He, he, bottoms up!
- Oh, that's what
Lord Grimsby said.
Ha, ha.
Mm.
(coughing)
(sputtering)
It's not working.
(screeching)
- Something homey with
an old world flare.
Preferably a tomb with a view.
That would be nice.
- Tell her nothing too showy.
We don't wanna be the
talk of the neighborhood.
It'll be bad enough once
they get a look at me.
Paparazzi will be everywhere.
- Oh, I agree.
- Yes, nothing too showy.
We're just your typical
family looking to blend in.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I believe I have just
what you're looking for.
It's a beautiful property
on a very quiet street.
- Oh, I do love quiet.
I just can't take a
noisy tomb anymore.
- The market in that
area is booming,
but if we move quick, we can
snatch up that last unit.
- If it's booming why is
there still a house available?
- Well, there is a
situation on the street
that needs to be relocated.
But once it goes, so
will the last house.
- We'll be arriving tomorrow
on Air Transylvania flight 666.
- Oh, Mrs. Munster,
I must warn you
I'm going to be heading straight
to a Halloween party after
we visit the property.
So, don't be shocked
by my appearance.
- Um, okay.
Well, we'll see you tomorrow.
Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
- Hm.
That was strange.
- What was strange?
- For some reason the poor woman
was afraid we'd be
shocked by her appearance.
- Women, they're always so
concerned about their looks.
- Not everyone can be as
beautiful as you, my dear.
- No, I guess not.
- [Announcer] Good afternoon
and welcome to Air
Transylvania flight 666.
We have a flying time of
22 hours and 47 minutes
to Los Angeles today.
- Oh, it sure was nice
of that flight attendant
to bump us up to first class.
- First class, baby!
- Although it was a bit strange
when all the other first
class passengers moved
to the back of the plane.
- Lily, my dear.
How many times
must I remind you,
the average person
isn't accustomed
to being around people of
such fine breeding of person.
(belching)
- Oh, I suppose you're right.
But still, the way she was
pushing and shoving everyone.
It was a bit aggressive.
- Where is she?
You know what, I could
go for another one.
Hey, yoo hoo!
I could go for another
one of these drinky poos.
Over here.
Hi.
(chuckling)
- Can, can I help you?
- I would like another one
of these delightful drinks.
What do you call this?
- Shirley Temple.
- It's very strong.
(chuckling)
- Okay.
(farcical music)
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, dear.
You know, statistically,
flying is the safest
way to travel.
- Oh.
(slurping)
(rushing wind)
- [Announcer] Welcome to
beautiful Los Angeles.
The local time here is 12:47
and it's a balmy 79 degrees.
Thanks for flying
Air Transylvania.
- Oh, here comes our luggage.
Talk about service, he, he!
- Um, where's Herman?
Herman!
Here he comes.
Oh.
- I'll never
drink another Shirley Temple
for as long as I live.
- How do I know where they are?
Maybe they got wise
to the situation.
(muffled speaking)
That's true, they are
from Transylvania.
(knocking)
Oh, wait, wait a minute. I think
this is them.
Okay, I gotta go.
Time for me to work my magic.
- [Caller] Oh dear.
(knocking)
- Greetings from Transylvania.
(farcical music)
That's a strange
way of saying hello.
- Oh, I guess we're gonna
have to get used to it.
- It ain't easy being beautiful.
- Tell me about it. He, he!
- Miss.
Miss?
- Ah.
- Miss, wake up.
- I assume you're
the ma, Munsters?
- I'm Herman.
And this is my darling
better half Lily.
- Hello.
- Oh, and that
thing over there is
my father-in-law the Count.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Oh yeah, uh.
- Here you go.
- Here you go.
- Ah!
- Oh.
So nice to meet you in person.
Those costumes really
threw me for a loop.
And I thought I was
taking it to an extreme.
Uh, well way to get in
the spirit of the day.
- Thank you.
What spirit is that exactly?
- Oh, you!
Okay, my car is parked
right out front.
I'm just gonna
grab my keys, okay.
- I think when she said shocking
she meant gorgeous, huh?
Bow-chica-wow-wow.
(giggling)
- Father, please keep
your fangs to yourself.
- Yeah, don't blow this.
- Follow me.
(rushing traffic)
- Hi!
- Hey!
(screeching tires)
- Lily, I want a picture of you.
I don't feel good.
- Oh, oh, oh!
(children laughing)
(light music)
- Just in case you're wondering,
this is the party I'm
all gussied up for.
The residents throw a big
Halloween bash every year.
- Boy we sure picked
a happening area.
- I'm getting a little
worried we might be
too boring for this
hipster neighborhood.
- Speak for yourself.
I'm always the first on the
dance floor at every funeral.
- I bet you are.
(screeching tires)
- Happy Halloween!
- Oh my, what
beautiful children.
- Trick or treat!
- Are you planning
on having kids?
- Well, I'm a little
young for children.
I'm only 150.
Although, you know
what they say?
- What, what's that?
- 150 is the new 100.
- Oh.
Oh!
(laughing)
You are a trip!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- I'm a trip?
- Hollywood lingo.
- Oh!
- Well, what'd ya think?
Cute, right?
- Oh my! Herman.
- I know it.
It's perfect.
- It's more than perfect.
It's breath taking.
- I've always wanted
to be featured
in Better Tombs and Gardens.
(ethereal music)
- Uh, okay, crazy jokesters.
Follow me.
- Herman, why is
she walking towards
that hideous monstrosity?
- I think Barbara is
trying to swindle us
into buying that abomination.
- She must think we're yokels
straight off the garlic wagon.
- Oh! Herman, deal with this.
Show her who you're made of.
- Yeah, you're the
man of the house.
- Look, Barbara.
I must inform you
that we Munsters,
we're not born yesterday.
I mean, some of my
parts were, of course.
But that's besides the point.
I want this house.
And I'm not gonna
pay more than--
- Sold.
- Please, please.
Don't argue with me.
You'll only embarrass yourself.
Let's be civilized.
- Oh, whatever you say.
The house is yours.
- Ha!
Now, now.
You don't want me to get tough.
What?
Wait, what'd you just say?
- The house is yours.
This place has been
a thorn in my butt
for the past two years.
If you wanna buy
it and restore it
to its former glory, then
you just go for it, honey.
- And another thing, we
don't want one grave moved.
We're very sociable people.
- Um, okay.
No problem.
- If you think it
looks wonderful now,
just wait until we
get finished with it.
- Oo, I can't wait to
start poking around
the backyard, who
knows who I might find!
(giggling)
- So, when do you wanna move in?
- [Together] Right now!
(eerie music)
- Well, now what?
We've got the house
of our dreams,
but we are flat broke.
- I guess we all
have to get jobs.
- No, no, no.
I'm the man of the house.
Tomorrow I'll go
out and get a job.
- Doing what, exactly?
- I don't know, I mean.
I'm pretty sure any
business would wanna
have me around the
office as eye candy.
(woman screaming)
- What's that sound?
- You know what
that sounds like?
A witch burning.
(screaming)
- Lily, come look!
- Well, I guess we
should check it out.
- Yeah, okay.
(funky music)
- Oh my.
I think now would
be the perfect time
to go out and introduce
ourselves to the neighbors.
- That's a grand idea.
We don't want them thinking
that the Munsters are snobs.
- Speak for yourself.
We come from a long
line of blue bloods.
Snobbery is in our veins.
(funky music)
Vampire
Vampira
Vampira
Taste
The fresh blood
I feel no remorse
Fly away
Fly away
Fly away home now
The Vampira
(cheering)
Where do you go
When your loved
ones drop dead
To Gateman,
Goodbury, and Graves
What you do when you turn
stiff as lead
Call Gateman,
Goodbury, and Graves
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Very good.
(applauding)
- It is now time to
announce the winner.
- We have been secretly
monitoring your attire
throughout the festivities
and have made our decisions.
And all decisions are final.
- Much like the icy
touch of the Grim Reaper.
That was a joke.
(chuckling)
- The winner is...
- [Together] The Munster family.
- Oh!
(clapping)
- Herman, why is
everyone staring at us?
- I think we just won.
- What did we win?
- Well, it's obviously
a beauty contest.
- I say we grab the
dough and get outta here
before they change their mind.
- Gaze upon these
glorious rags of horror.
- Well, this is quite the
welcome.
You see, my family
and I just moved
to this neighborhood
only one hour ago.
We are now the proud owner
of that beautiful
little number 1313.
(chuckling)
This is my beautiful wife, Lily.
She's dressed to kill.
Unfortunately she
cooks the same way.
(laughing)
- Oh honey, I think
that's quite enough.
- Okay, okay.
Hey everybody, thanks
so much for the mullah.
And if anyone's hiring,
my dopey son-in-law
is looking for a job.
Okay, thank you.
Come on.
- We're number one!
- Okay.
- We're number one!
(cheering)
- Oh my goodness, well I'll
have to visit you, thank you.
- A ghost walks into the bar
and orders a shot of vodka.
- Listen, there's
no blood in this.
I don't know, someone's
playing a joke.
- Well, he is, and you know.
- The bartender says, sorry,
we don't serve spirits here.
Ha, ha, ha!
- Oh you're.
Oh!
- Excuse me.
Uh, Lily, all right.
Why don't we go over here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I've got a million,
believe me fellas.
You're gonna love this.
Oh.
- Is it true you are looking
for gainful employment?
Because if it is, we
might have something
of interest to you.
- Well, I hope it's in the
entertainment business.
- No, we're in the
business of death.
- The finest funeral parlor
in all of Mockingbird Heights.
- I am Mr. Gateman.
- I am Mr. Goodbury.
- And I am Mr. Graves.
- Funeral parlor.
I think I could dig that.
- We need a man to move some
of our larger, uh, clients
from box to box.
- I've got experience in that.
- We don't like to leave
the stiffs lying around
for more than 48 hours or so.
- They tend to ferment.
- Have you fellas heard
about the new glass coffins?
- We have not.
Are they successful?
- Remains to be
seen, Mr. Gateman.
Remains to be seen.
(wheezing)
- After you, my dear.
(chuckling)
- Boy, what a fun group.
- I have to admit, I
haven't had that much fun
since storming the Bastille.
- Well, I don't
know about you two,
but I'm exhausted.
Those neighbors sure
can talk your ears off.
Oh, what's wrong?
- I'm just checking to see if my
ears are still there.
I'd hate to lose one.
It makes my reading
glasses hang funny.
(wheezing)
- Okay, I'm gonna hit the slab.
- Good nightmare.
Goodnight to you,
my dear father-in-law
(zapping)
- Oh! Garn, darn, darn!
- Oh, Hermie.
You're so talented.
- I lost you once,
but now you belong
with the dead.
I want to live, even
in this strange--
- Hoo yah!
- Herman, what are you doing?
- I'm just practicing
a few moves.
Thursday night is league
night at the parlor.
- Oh, I thought
you hated bowling.
Besides, you haven't even
started your new job yet.
- I'm trying to get ready.
Can't let the fellas down.
- I know but let's
not get carried away.
(glass breaking)
Come to bed, dear.
You don't wanna be tired
for your first day of work.
- I really like
that Mr. Gateman.
He paid me the
nicest compliment.
- Oh, what was it?
- He said, Munster, you
have a face for funerals.
- How sweet.
And how true.
(glass shattering)
- Still got it.
(light music)
- Mm!
- So what do you have
planned for today?
- Oh, I was gonna hang around
the house for a little while.
See if I could figure out a way
to turn Igor back
into his old self.
- Oh, I kind of
like the new Igor.
He's got a lot more pep.
- Yeah.
- Bawk!
The time is... get to work.
Ya big dummy.
Nevermore.
- Oh golly, I'm gonna be late.
- Don't forget your lunch.
I made you a special
surprise for your first day.
- Chocolate chip cookies
shaped like Mickey Mouse?
- You'll find out at lunch.
(kissing)
- Gotta boogie.
- Knock 'em dead!
- I'm pretty sure
they already are.
- It's always good
to double check.
- Oh!
Ho, ho!
- Have fun.
(slurping)
(belching)
- Ugh.
(light music)
- Oh bummer.
What a crummy day.
(light music)
(ominous music)
(baby crying)
- Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Ah!
Lily! Lily!
Come quick!
911 emergency!
Car 54 where are you?
- Herman, what is the matter?
- It's a freak show out there.
Everywhere ya look, it's
more horrible than the next.
I think we've been invaded
by outer space mutants.
- What are you talking about?
- All the beautiful
people from last night
have been replaced by
these hideous creatures.
- Oh, Herman.
Don't be so dramatic.
Everybody looks different
in the daylight.
Let me take a look.
- No, don't.
Don't! Don't!
(ominous music)
I can't look.
(ominous music)
The horror.
(children playing)
- I for one just
don't understand it.
- Neither do I.
What happened to all the
hotties from last night?
- What are we gonna do?
We can't live like this
with people that look like that.
- I agree with my
favorite son-in-law.
- It's a disgrace.
- Yeah.
- Herman Munster!
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
I expect this from
my father, but you?
Everyone can't be
as fortunate as us.
It's what's inside a
person that counts.
- Well then I'm
gonna need a pair
of X-ray glasses because I
can't handle the outside.
- He's right.
I haven't seen anything that
gruesome in all of my lives.
(knocking)
Oh no!
- It's one of those freaks!
Don't answer.
- We are going to answer
that door as a family
and greet whoever is
there as our equal.
- Okay, but.
I hope this lessens the shock.
- Follow me.
- Your wife is scary.
- I know.
Ugh.
- Lily!
- Lester.
- What are you doing here?
- You've got a lot of
nerve coming here, buster.
- After what you pulled,
I oughta belt ya
right in the kisser.
- Herman, baby, before
you go all ape on me,
I got a surprise.
I made a killing in Vegas
after that castle deal.
And here's your share.
(light music)
(chuckling)
- What's it say?
- Come on, spit it out.
- Herman!
- I'm rich.
I'm rich! I'm rich!
- What?
- We're rich!
We're rich!
We're rich!
Oh, ho!
(funky music)
("The Munsters"
theme song plays)
(funky music)
Way back home
in Transylvania
Through the fog and gloom
I think I see a light
burning in the castle
Must be coffin room
Now sleeping in
box lies Lily
Oh man, she's a groovy chick
And way down in the dungeon
Her father the Count
of magic tricks
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Remember, if the
tomb is rocking
Don't come knocking
Ah, ha, ha
Up the road comes a
tall green stranger
His head is large and flat
Electric bolts
protrude from his neck
That's Hermie, a
wild, crazy cat
He's come to see Lily
A soulmate from the grave
He loves her with
his blackened heart
Like a couple of
bats loves a cave
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and a little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Ah, this song makes
me want to dance
I must be a boogie man
Ha, ha, ha
Now soaring above
the old cemetery
Is a furry old
bat named Igor
He's heading straight
to the Munster house
A dwelling some
consider an eye sore
Ah, but the neighbors
don't understand
What madness happens inside
And the wacky hijinks
These monsters create
Every night like the
Salem witch trials
Ha, ha, ha
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and a little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
On Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
A little insane
Freaky, freaky
On Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
A little insane
(ominous organ music)
(projector reeling)
(propeller engine humming)
(wolf howling)
(dramatic music)
(door creaking)
(ominous music)
- Ah, this is it.
(ominous music)
(wolf howling)
(metal clanging)
(grunting)
(dramatic music)
- Looks kind of... empty.
- Gee.
Ya think?
- Right, pardon me,
but may I help you two
lovely lads with something?
- Hey boss, there he is.
What do you know, he's a zombie.
- Indeed, I am.
- Hey, true or false?
- Yes.
- Are you the guys
that eat brains?
- Why yes, I do enjoy a
nicely grilled cerebellum
with a side of chips.
Ah! The bigger the better.
(chuckling)
- Well then, Floop, you're safe.
- Harsh.
- Quite rude.
Oi! Hello.
- Zombie problem solved.
- Ugh.
He's so brittle.
- Look at him, Floop.
A stinking, rotten bag
of human garbage, oh.
- Yep, he's a real sack of crap.
So why do you want him?
- This man is Franz Pennywhacker
the world's greatest pianist.
I want those phalanges.
- Ah, I get it.
I don't get it.
- Photo.
Snap to it.
(claps)
Chop, chop!
- Hold it.
Smile for the birdie.
- Come on, come on.
- Aw, come on.
You can smile bigger than that.
Ah, no, don't do the finger.
Uh, what else ya got?
Yeah, okay, we'll do that one.
(flashing)
(grunting)
I sure hope all these
parts fit together.
You know, a man's more
than the sum of his parts.
I don't mean just slap
together Superman.
- Wow.
How incredibly
thoughtful and sensitive
and yet so insightful.
Come on, we have a
lot of grave robbing
ahead of us this evening.
Hiya!
- Couldn't we have
gotten a horse for this?
- Onward. We have
little time to waste.
- I hate this job.
(light organ music)
(gasping)
(ominous music)
(growling)
(snapping)
- Ow, oh, oh, oh! The back!
Oh, the back's out again!
Oh, oh no, oh no!
(cracking)
Igor?
Igor, where are you? Come on.
Come out, come out.
I know you're around here.
Come on, you little
flying rodent.
Igor!
Igor where are you? Igor!
Ig--
Gah!
- Right here, my Lord.
- Come on, my back's out.
I need you to do
that thing you do.
Come on, hurry, please.
- I'll get those
vertebrae as straight
as my great aunt Elva's
knickers.
I presume it's the
lumbar in that pesky L4.
- Yes, L4 and five.
Oh, ah!
Come on, come on.
Hurry up, hurry up.
Do it, do it.
Oi.
- All right, on three.
And three!
(cracking)
- Oh, gah.
- Better?
- Better.
Better.
Oh, Igor, thank you, thank you.
That's good.
I gotta tell you something,
once you hit 300,
everything starts to go.
And I mean everything.
- Sir, you keep telling me, sir.
- Is Lily awake?
- Yes, sir.
She's out on a date
with a Mr. Orlock.
- Oh, that's good news.
I really think she's
gonna fall for this fella.
I know a love
connection when I see it
and this is a love connection.
And I wanna tell ya
something about Orlock.
He's not only handsome,
but he's a real swinger.
And most importantly,
he's loaded to the fangs!
(chuckling)
(light organ music)
- So I assume you are Orlock?
- Yes, yes.
And you are?
- Um, Lily.
- Oh yes, yes, Lily.
It's always so hard
to remember the names.
- Oh.
- I'm hungry, let's eat.
- Okay!
- Ha, ha!
- Good evening, Mr. Orlock.
We have your usual table ready.
Please, follow me.
- So, do you bring
all your dates here?
- Yes, yes, every night.
- Oh.
Okay.
(chuckling)
(plates shattering)
Oh, whatever happened
to our waiter?
- He moves like a snail.
- Uh-huh.
It seems like they've
been waiting awhile.
- Oh, they are dead.
- Who's hungry?
I have one Cleopatra Special.
- Oo, hoo, hoo!
- No garlic, for the lady.
And one Anubis Salad.
- [Lily] This looks good.
- [Waiter] Extra onions.
Bon appetit!
- So how is your food?
- Delicious.
(squishing)
- Um.
Oh, so I noticed on
your dating profile
you only listed two hobbies,
the black plague and pestilence.
Which I thought, technically,
were both the same.
- Exactly the same.
I love them both equally.
- Oh, don't get me
wrong, I love it too.
It's just, you know,
kind of old news.
- Do you like rats?
- Of course, who doesn't?
- Oh! Good, good, good!
I have pictures of my
fuzzy little nuggets.
- Oh.
- Oh, ho!
- Somehow I'm not surprised.
- Mm, oh!
This is Eric.
He's a naughty boy.
- Oh, he's a cute little fella.
- Oh! This is Steve.
He's a real cut up.
Watch out for his hijinks!
- Oh, yeah, he's cute too.
- Oh, this Opie but
I call her Tubby.
She likes to cuddle
under my pillow.
- Uh-huh.
- He likes to sit
on my head, ha, ha.
- Marry me.
- Ah!
- She likes to
play hide and seek.
She's really big and fat.
Rolly polly, Jill.
Pumpkin!
(laughing)
Do you want to rub
Pumpkin's nose?
- Oh, I'm good.
- Oh, okay.
(eerie music)
- Come to me.
Be a good little wolf.
Ah, puppy.
Come forward and sit.
Awaken.
- Oh, man.
- You are a difficult
wolf to find.
Which is strange, because
you are the only wolf
in town that owes
Zoya big money!
- Me? Nah.
I've been around on the scene.
You know, rocking and rolling.
- I know scene, you are
not rocking man on scene.
- Ha, ha! Right, like
this guy knows the scene?
Give me a break!
- I get around.
- Enough!
You give me money now or Bella
will chop off your hand.
- Okay, stop.
Let's not get crazy.
I gotta ask ya a question.
Why you got a picture
of my pops on your wall?
(cackling)
- That is ancient,
unfinished history.
- Uh, I don't like
the sound of that.
- He should call.
- It is time for you
to make the call.
(dramatic music)
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Igor, get the phone.
I'm watching TV.
(phone ringing)
What does he do
that's so important
that he can't be
here when I need him?
(phone ringing)
Nevermind, I'll get it myself.
It's not like I'm the Count.
Yeah, who is this?
Leave me alone.
- Yo, pops!
How ya been, baby?
- Hey guess what?
You're very lucky, I'm
in a good mood tonight.
I'm gonna give you
exactly two seconds.
Are ya ready?
Go.
- I know a straight as an
arrow business lady who--
- Time's up.
- Listen, pops, she
wants to buy the castle
and transform it into a
casino slash theme park.
We can't lose.
What do ya say?
- Get the hair out of your ears
and listen very, very closely.
I would rather go into
business with Jack the Ripper!
Who by the way is
no Jack the tipper.
5% tops with this guy,
it's an embarrassment.
Than ever go into
business with you!
Moron.
- I assume you
heard what he said.
- All Zoya hear was
big, big trouble
for little wolf, wolf.
- Funny.
That's what I heard too.
(woman screaming)
- Oh, nice neighborhood.
So, do you live around here?
- Yes, yes.
Just around the corner.
- Oh well, that's convenient.
- Oh yes, yes.
Very convenient.
I have a little surprise.
Close your eyes.
- Oh.
- Come with me.
Just over here.
Okay.
No peeky-peeky.
(funky music)
Open your eyes!
(funky music)
Disco vampire
Disco vampire
Disco vampire
Sexy, sexy
Sexy, sexy
- Ah.
(pop)
(dog barking)
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh.
Okay.
- [Announcer] You're
watching TV 666 Transylvania.
(dramatic music)
- [Reporter] Breaking news!
- What, what's this?
- [Reporter] With Donna Doomley.
- Good evening, I'm Donna
Doomley with breaking news.
Transylvania's
favorite funny man,
Shecky Von Rathbone, has died.
Shecky was eaten
alive last night
by an irate heckler.
- You're momma's so stupid, uh,
she stared at a cup of
orange juice for 12 hours
because it said concentrate.
- You call that jokes?
The guy got what he deserved.
- I got a good job.
I mean, working at
a mirror factory
is something I could totally
see myself doing sexy.
- The remains of Shecky were
taken to the Dew Drop In
Funeral Home.
(chuckling)
Shecky's death comes just hours
after the passing of his
brother, Shelly Von Rathbone,
world renown astrophysicist.
Sometimes referred to as
the smartest man on earth.
- Silicon carbide
grains are present
in refractory inclusions.
A mere child could
trace the torsions.
- Shelly's body
also lies in state
at the Dew Drop In Funeral Home.
Although it is
unlikely that anyone
but a complete moron, and
I do mean complete moron,
would ever confuse
these two men.
I'm Donna Doomley
and I will continue
to bring you the
news as it breaks.
- I'll stand guard
from across the way
while you steal the second most
brilliant brain of our time.
- Question.
And I know what
you're gonna say.
Leave the sciencey
stuff to you, but,
why don't we steal the first
most brilliant
brain of our time?
- Because, my dear Floop,
I'm still using it.
- Geez, conceited much?
- No, not conceited at all.
Simply dropping ice cold facts.
Well, giddy up, little doggy.
And remember!
Shelly Von Rathbone.
No other brain shall do.
- What do I look like, a moron?
Don't answer that!
I wrote it on my hand.
- Oh god.
(door creaking)
- Nope.
Nope.
Bingo!
Well, hello Mr. Von Rathbone.
Sorry, old boy.
But I'm gonna be
needing that melon.
(sawing)
(thundering)
(somber music)
(cracking thunder)
- Think of it!
The brain of a super
genius transplanted
into the body of a
perfect physical specimen.
Ha, ha, ha!
- So what are ya gonna call him?
- I hadn't given much thought
to such trivial matters,
but now that you mention it,
Project 27X67H54 is a bit dry.
(munching)
Ah!
As I stride this unholy planet
as a modern day
Prometheus, perhaps Uranus!
God of the sky!
- Seriously?
You're making his
life a lot harder
than it has to be with
a name like Uranus.
- Well, I suppose you
have a better idea.
Okay, go on, out with it.
- I don't know, Herman.
- Herman?
- Yeah.
I had a pitspire named
Herman, he was a swell guy.
Hm, he's gonna need
a last name too.
How about Munster?
- Do you really
think I would call
the greatest creation in
the history of mankind
Herman Monster?
- Not Herman Monster,
Herman Munster.
Like the cheese.
- Like the cheese!
Out of my way, you simpleton.
I've got work to do.
(snapping electricity)
- Let's make history, Floop!
Are you ready?
Three!
Two!
One!
And away we go!
Ah, ha, ha!
(buzzing electricity)
Ah, ah, I want more volts!
Woo, ah!
Woo!
Yes, we need it!
We need more power!
Ah!
- Don't do it!
You'll kill us both!
- Ah, ha!
- [Announcer] Warning, warning!
- Give me more power!
- Are you insane?
(cackling)
- Woo! Ha, ha, ha!
Live, I tell you!
Live!
(cackling)
Cut the power, Floop!
And done!
Oh, my creation is born.
(ethereal music)
- I'm no expert.
In fact, you yourself called
me a, what was that again?
- Simpleton.
- Right, simpleton.
So, take this in the
proper spirit, but uh.
Shouldn't he be
moving or something?
(thudding)
- Interesting.
- Anything going on in there?
- No!
(whimpering)
No!
(sobbing)
- Well, what are ya gonna do?
It's alive!
Alive!
Oo, no, ugh.
I was talking about my
pet cockroach, Ernie.
You see, I thought he was
dead, but look, he's fine.
(chirping)
(squishing)
Aye!
Oh no, he's still fine.
Tough little bugger.
- You have no idea what this
failure means to humanity.
I could have changed the
course of life as we know it.
I could have altered mankind's
place in the universe.
I could have...
(yawning)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I boring you?
(yawning)
Well, am I?
(muffled screaming)
Don't speak, my dear creation.
Don't speak.
Save your words of wisdom
for the grand unveiling.
Ha, ha, oh.
The world will be watching.
Ha, ha, ha!
- [Announcer] Live from the
beautiful Carpathia Mountains
it's "Good Morning
Transylvania."
With your host, the one
and only, Ezra Mosher.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Ezra.
- Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to "Good
Morning Transylvania."
I'm your host, Ezra Mosher
and we are coming to ya live
from the very windy studio--
- So I really thought
you and old Orlock
were gonna hit it off.
Maybe you should give
him another shot.
All right, so he's
a little obsessed
with the black plague.
A man needs his hobbies.
- It's not just that.
I want a man that makes
my blood run cold.
A man that every time
he enters my crypt,
it's like a stake through
my dead, black heart.
- I could whip ya up a
hubby down in the lab.
- Oh no! Remember what
happened last time?
It took us a month to
get him off the roof.
- He was batty, but
he sure had charisma.
- Eh.
Now, can we change the
subject of my love life?
- So your idiot brother
Lester called last night.
- Mm, let me guess.
He's broke again.
- He wants me to sell our castle
and cut him in on the deal.
- Well, at least he dreams big.
- Heh, his dreams are my bank
accounts worst nightmare.
Oh.
- Oh my goodness.
We've got a great treat
in store for everyone.
Our favorite mad
scientist, Dr. Wolfgang,
is here to unveil
his latest creation.
Oh, ha!
Now ladies and gentlemen.
Let's give a warm, "Good
Morning Transylvania" welcome
to the one, the only Dr.
Henry Augustus Wolfgang!
Oh, ho, ho!
- Oo, hoo, hoo!
- [Ezra] What a pleasure
to have you here.
May I call ya Henry?
(clattering plates)
- Oh, finally.
- Raven's egg with a side of
tarantula hash browns, my lady.
- Oh, thank you, Igor.
It looks yummy!
(giggling)
- Bring it on, bring it on.
- We have something
extraordinary,
and I know everyone backstage
is so excited about
what's going on.
- Your regular, my Lord.
Ice cold.
- Some of the most
substantial intellects
in Transylvania have
called you certifiable.
- Well, these so-called
substantial intellects.
Well they can just eat
my (cuckoo whistle)
and kiss my rosy little
(cuckoo whistle).
- Oh, hoo, hoo!
- Well doctor, now that
we've got that out of the way
why don't you show
us what you've got?
(triumphal music)
- Speak, my child
of electricity.
Speak, my child of tomorrow!
Speak!
(grunting)
(gasping)
- Oh my god.
He is gorgeous.
Look at that head.
Perfectly flat.
You don't see that everyday.
- Hey, can you imagine having
a big maroon like
that in the family?
I couldn't live with the shame.
- Shh!
- Dazzle them with
some quantum physics.
- Huh?
(screeching)
- Enough talking.
Now a little music.
(growling)
(single note repeated)
(cracking)
(crowd laughing)
(screeching)
- Speak.
(grunting)
(crowd laughing)
- My mother-in-law fell
down a wishing well.
Boy, I didn't know those
things actually worked.
(chuckling)
My friend recently died
drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end,
but a lovely finish.
(laughing)
Maestro, hit it!
(light music)
A horse walks into the bar.
The bartender says,
why the long face?
Speaking of establishments,
I'm thinking of opening
up a restaurant.
I'm gonna call it Karma.
There's no menu.
You just get what you deserve.
(chuckling)
- Okay, okay, I
can actually feel
my brain cells dying.
Igor, change the channel.
(clicking)
- (deep voice) Don't you dare
touch that dial!
Oh!
- Goodnight, everybody!
I mean, good
morning, ha, ha, ha!
(upbeat music)
- He's perfect!
(light music)
- Ruined, I tell you!
Disgraced in front
of the entire world
by a dancing baboon.
- Don't worry, I got the
situation under control.
I've been working on some
really keen magic tricks.
- Magic tricks?
- Juggling?
- Juggling!
- Impressions?
- Wait until you get
a load of this one.
(shimmering)
- You gotta ask
yourself one question.
Do ya feel lucky?
Huh? Do ya, punk?
- Woo, I get chills
every time I hear it.
- I've heard enough!
Oh.
Farewell, comrades.
Away, I must go.
To live amongst the beasts.
And the lepers.
Of dark Zanzibar.
- The old doc sure isn't
cut out for show business.
- Well, it's a little more
complicated than that.
You see, there are
unfounded rumors
that I might have accidentally
switched brains and...
Ah, forget it! It's old news.
- Floopy, old boy, I've been
meaning to ask you something.
- What's that, big guy?
- For some strange reason,
I can't seem to
remember my name.
- Well.
Picture it in lights.
The greatest name in
all of show business,
izness, izness, izness.
Herman Munster!
(funky music)
Hey
Ha, ha, ha
Beauty's only skin deep
But ugly goes all the
way down to the bone
Down town
Come on, boys
Don't ride the beat
- Right this way.
On the fast lane
Did you hear the cemetery
raised its burial costs?
It's blamed on the cost
of living, look out
Choo, choo, choo
People say I have a
bad attitude, I don't
I just have a personality
you can't handle
Woo
So what if I don't know
what Armageddon means
It's not like it's
the end of the world
Hit it
It's Herman's time
Herman's here
Look out
Working in a mirror factory
Is something I could
totally see myself doing
Sexy
Keep up, boys, keep up
A little faster,
a little fast now
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo
Ah
Thank you, good night
(crowd cheering)
- I find wolf
sneaking out backdoor.
- When I hear your
Lester was in my club,
I was assuming he was
here to deliver good news.
- You own this joint?
- Zoya owns many joints.
- Yeah, I guess... I guess
I shoulda figured that.
- Well?
- Good news? Yes.
Well, I'm close.
I got a few irons in the fire.
I've got my feelers
out there in the street
and I'm pretty sure
with a little more time,
I can get you what
you want, heh.
- I give you two weeks
to get the castle.
Afterwards, you're head is mine.
- Nah, that ain't gonna work.
I am a Lego bat
I am a Lego bat
- I'm starting to think my
material is too intellectual.
Maybe I should return
to my vaudeville roots.
- Ugh, no way, man.
This is the wave of the future.
- What do you guys think?
- Ah, they don't know nothing.
- See, they agree.
- Don't listen to
them, they're relics.
I'm talking about the long road
to the tippity top!
- Well, maybe I should
go a bit more mainstream.
I am a man of many parts.
- The honey babies are falling
at your feet, you're the man!
- I'm not looking
for honey babies.
- Hey, baby, what's shaking?
- I'm looking for a
vision, a queen, true love.
- Forget about the dames, man.
Worry about the music.
We gotta feed the machine
and we gotta cut some vinyl.
The beast is
hungry, and besides,
Rome wasn't built in a day.
- True, but I believe I was.
- Yeah, well, that's
besides the point.
I need some hits.
- You want hits?
Okay, I'll give you hits.
(sighing)
Ah!
- So you give me what I want?
- Yes.
I will get that deed signed.
The castle will be yours.
And we can all live
happily ever after.
I promise.
- Get out.
(chuckling)
(funky music)
- What the heck?
Lily, I never thought
I'd see you haunting
these hallowed halls.
What brings you here?
- That, my dear brother,
is none of your business.
- I bet it's that
new cat, Herman.
I can dig it.
I was rapping with him earlier.
Solid dude.
- Seriously?
You know him?
How?
- You wanna meet him?
- Oh yes!
But I don't know if I trust
you making the introduction.
- Consider me your batwing man.
Although, I do seem to be
a little light tonight.
Danke.
- So?
Where is he?
- Who?
- Herman Munster!
- Oh, oh, oh.
Your Romeo is just down the
hall, last door on the left.
Or right, one of them doors.
Ha, ha, ha.
(howling)
(chuckling)
(squeaking rats)
(knocking)
- And what exactly do you want?
- Um, is Herman
Munster in there?
- Maybe.
And who should I say is calling?
- Lily.
(choral music)
- Why don't you
just take a number
and wait in the alley with
the rest of the chicks?
(crashing)
- Well, hello.
- Hi, um, I'm a big fan and um,
I was wondering.
Well, wait, no this sounds dumb.
But maybe would you like to
come over for dinner one night?
- Dinner.
I'd have to check my schedule.
Please hold.
(creaking)
Oh boy, oh boy!
Oh boy, oh boy!
Uh, yeah.
I happen to have
an opening sometime
in the near future.
What night were
you thinking about?
- Um, well, maybe tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
Hold, please.
- Oh.
(creaking)
- Whoa, tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
Uh, yeah.
I moved some
appointments around.
I think tomorrow works.
- Fantastic.
Here's my address.
And we usually eat early.
- Um, we?
- Oh, my father,
the Count and I.
- Ha, I can dig that, the Count.
Far out.
- Now I know you show business
people keep weird hours.
Shall we say around midnight
or is that too early?
- Well, I usually
have my bubble bath,
yummy treat, and nap time.
But yeah, midnight sounds great.
Tomorrow it is, my sweet Lily.
- Oh.
- Tootles.
(creaking door)
(Herman cheering)
Herman's got a date!
(light music)
I can't go, I tell
ya, I can't go.
- What are you talking about?
Why can't you go?
- I haven't got a thing to wear.
- Herman, you
gotta take it easy.
You're a stud.
She's just some undead chick
from out in the sticks.
Quit being so dramatic.
- Dramatic!
Lily thinks I'm a
Hollywood big shot.
A swinger in the in-crowd.
I'm no Bobby Darin.
She's gonna see right through me
and know I'm just a big boob!
- Ah, I need the perfect choice.
Herman isn't some lug
head who just fell off
the funeral truck.
He's a man of the world.
- Well boob or no boob,
when you got hot wax like this,
the world is at your feet, baby!
- Why, brother man.
With a disc like
this, who can resist?
- So Igor?
Which dress says I'm
very, very interested
but not a miserable
and depressed?
The silk baby tarantula web?
- Well, yes.
Well yes, of course.
- Or the faux
lizard silk chiffon?
- Oh, um, the faux.
Um, oh, well you could.
Maybe, yes.
- Igor, get with it!
- Yowza, baby!
Kick it! Woo!
- Oh!
- Fresh blood, get
your fresh blood!
Fresh blood!
Grab your fresh blood!
Fresh blood!
- Lilies!
Ha, this my lucky night.
- What else can I
do for you today?
- Well, everything
looks so great.
I'll take a bottle
of the B posit--
No! I'm gonna splurge.
O negative.
- Oh, that's a good year.
It's two leg, and
one for the lilies.
- Three leg? Wow,
prices are going up.
You know, that reminds me.
I bought a balloon yesterday.
I thought the same thing.
Must be the inflation.
Ha, ha, ha!
- Ah, ha, ha!
(light music)
- Hello, Lily!
That's too boring.
Good evening, my dear Lily.
That's too uptight.
Yo, what's up?
Nah, that's too glib.
It doesn't seem glib.
There's no good.
Hey, baby doll. What's shaking?
Let's blow this pop stand
and get our groove on.
Hermie's got the moves.
Back it up, back it up.
Hermie's backing it up.
- Hey, numbskull!
(record scratching)
- What?
- I said, hey numbskull!
- Excuse me sir,
can you speak up?
- I assume you are the
Herman Munster character
I've been hearing so
much about lately?
- Yeah, I think
I'm the only one!
When they made me
they broke the mold!
- With you in it, I presume.
- No!
I think I was out by that point!
- Wait there, I'm gonna come
right...
Down.
Are you gonna come inside
or do you wanna stand out here
swiveling your hips like
a rabid baboon in heat
for the whole
neighborhood to see?
- I'll come in!
- Why are you shouting?
- I thought you liked it!
- Why don't you come inside?
After you.
- Thank you!
I mean, thank you.
This is for you.
- Oh yeah, what is it?
- It's a bottle of O negative.
The blood lady said it
was a very good year.
- Well, you're very kind.
- Thank you.
- The kind I don't need.
(ethereal music)
- Hermie, thank you
so much for coming.
I hope you like curried
scorpion casserole.
I made it especially
for tonight.
- If you made it, I
know I'm gonna love it.
As a matter of fact,
I saved a special spot
for it right here.
I mean right here.
- Oh, you.
- Oh, these are for you.
- Thank you so much.
Lilies are my favorite.
- He gives her lilies
because her name is Lily.
We're dealing with some
serious brain power here.
- Father, that's quite enough.
Come on, Hermie.
I'll show you around.
- Yes, Lily.
- I beg her to make
curried scorpion casserole
and I get nothing.
All of a sudden Mr.
Herman Munster comes over
and it's raining curried
scorpion casserole.
- Oh, bebop, baloo-bop!
How low can you go?
(laughing)
I mean, the songs
just come to me.
I got a million of 'em.
I mean, I don't even know
where they come from exactly,
but I get a lot of hot
tracks up in this noggin.
(chuckling)
(slurping)
- Ah.
- You know, father,
Herman isn't just
another pretty face.
He's also very, very funny.
- Stop.
- Oh yeah, that's right.
Flat top here fancies
himself a comedian.
All right, dazzle me with
your side splitting wit.
- Okay.
Here's one I know
you're gonna love.
How do you keep a grouchy, old,
broken down,
vampire in suspense?
(light music)
- I don't know.
How do you keep a grouchy, old,
broken down vampire in suspense?
- I'll tell ya later.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ah, ha, ha!
- Oh, you.
(wheezing)
- Okay, what exactly are
your intentions here?
Because, as you can
see, I've been around
the cemetery a few times myself,
and you are not
going to bamboozle me
with your fancy
showbiz fast talk.
(creaking chair)
(sighing)
- I assure you, my good man.
My intentions are
nothing but honorable.
Deep inside
beats the heart of a
simple country boy.
- Oh.
- In fact, most of my parts
come straight from the dirt.
- Oh!
Did you hear that?
You can't get more
grounded than that.
A simple country boy
straight from the dirt.
- Preach it, sister.
- This is a bunch
of cornball hooey.
Listen, Herman, you may
have hoodwinked Lily
with your folksy gibberish,
but it ain't working on me.
- Okay, we're done here.
Enjoy your scorpion, father.
Come on, Hermie.
Let's go for a walk.
- Uh, well, it was
so nice to meet you
and I hope to see
you again soon.
- Over my dead body.
- That would be delightful.
- Oh, ignore him.
Come on, Hermie.
Come on, let's go.
- Okay, Lily.
(laughing)
- Hey by the way, your
scorpion is undercooked!
Igor.
- Sir?
- We have to do something
about this situation.
(light music)
- What's that?
- Oh, that's one
of my gravestones.
- Wow!
- I hope you don't
take the things
my father says to heart.
He's a bit old fashioned and has
a tendency to go
straight for the jugular.
- Let's hope it doesn't
come to that, heh, heh.
- Oh, I didn't
mean it literally.
Although to be safe,
wear high collared shirts
while you are getting
to know each other.
- Oh.
Lily it shall be
my mission in life
to get that man to like me.
And when Herman Munster
puts his head to something,
Herman Munster puts
his head to it.
Unless of course it falls off.
(wheezing)
- Can I confess something?
- Please do.
- I knew the moment
I laid eyes on you
that you were special.
I understand if you
don't feel the same.
I'm just a regular gal
living a boring, normal life.
- No, when I first saw you
my heart leapt from my chest.
If there's one thing I know
is that the rest of
the world melted away
as soon as you
appeared in my life.
- Oh, Hermie.
Mm.
- After you, my dear.
- Oh.
(upbeat harpsichord music)
They say we're young
and we don't know
We won't find
out until we grow
Well I don't know
if all that's true
'Cause you got me
And baby, I got you
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
They say our love
won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our
money's all been spent
I guess that's so,
we don't have a plot
But at least I'm sure of
all the things we've got
(chuckling)
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
- Uncle Gilbert!
I got flowers
What a surprise.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Nice to meet you, young man.
- It's an honor.
- That's quite a grip.
To wear my ring
And when I'm sad
You're a clown
And if I get scared
You're always around
Don't let them say
your hair's too long
Because I don't care,
with you I can't go wrong
Then put your
little hand in mine
There ain't no hill or
mountain we can't climb
Babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
(crowd cheering)
(crows cawing)
- Oh look, there's one.
- Oh Hermie, it's
so romantic here
with the soft, gentle
screech of the vultures
circling overhead.
- It sure is, dear.
Unfortunately the
clouds are clearing up
and the sun's coming out.
- Oh.
Pussy cat, this
last week has been
the most wonderful time
of all of my lives.
- Lily, I've been meaning
to ask you something.
- Oh yes, pookie bear?
- Okay, keep it
together big guy.
You're Herman Munster.
You got this, you practiced it.
Let's do it.
Lily, I...
- What is it?
Is something wrong?
- Will you, ma, ma, ma...
Marry me?
- Oh, Hermie!
You've made me the happiest
ghoul in the world.
- Everything you ever wanted
to know about magic spells
but were afraid to ask.
Igor, there's gotta be a
husband spell in here somewhere.
- Are you sure about this?
It seems that Miss
Lily is truly in love.
- Oh come on, you
know and I know
that we gotta get rid of
that bozo Herman Munster.
He's got no class.
- Class?
- Yeah, class.
He's a stitch job from the
wrong side of the cemetery.
He's not the type
of person I want
my Lily hooking up with.
Hamster.
Oh, hippopotamus.
Let's see, husband!
There's a husband spell.
- I really think you
should reconsider.
- Who's side are you on, anyway?
- Mine's the best one.
It's the most gruesome.
- It is not, mine is uglier.
- Oh yeah?
I've got the ugliest face.
- Freddy, we're talking
about the sweatshirts.
(giggling)
- Sorry things didn't
work out for you
so great at the leper colony.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Well, at least you came home
with that cool new T-shirt.
- They gave it to me when
they lost my luggage.
(creaking door)
- Hey, hey, you're back!
- It's not a crime to go
on holiday, now is it?
- Uh, well, you look good.
You look good.
Is something different?
New hairdo?
- Yeah, new hairdo.
- Spray tan?
- So, how'd it go?
I'm assuming she said yes?
- Oh God.
- Oh, I knew it!
I knew she was a phony.
Vampire chicks are all the same!
One bite and it's
so long, sucker!
- There's always somebody
that spoils everything
by chickening out.
- She said yes.
- That no good, fang banger!
Wait, wait, what?
- She said yes!
- [Together] She said yes!
- She said yes!
She said yes!
- Let's begin.
Alrighty, we'll start with
the chest hair of Tarzan.
For that swinging vibe.
There you go.
(giggling)
Oh, and of course
she'll want him
to have some special moves
so how about a pair
of dancing shoes.
One from Fred Astaire
and one from Gene Kelly.
(giggling)
And to top it all off
with a little swagger.
A cowboy hat of the one
and only John Wayne.
(horse whinnying)
Well how about that, the
Duke did wear a toupee.
(giggling)
And now some wizarding words.
Herman Munster dumb-dumb
will be no more.
When you bring the
perfect marrying man
to my sweet Lily's door!
(cackling)
What?
What?
Ugh, I always forget
one ingredient.
One simple ingredient.
Here we go, perfect
husband coming up.
(cackling)
Ah! Ah!
What? What?
Okay, alrighty, what went wrong?
(monkey screeching)
Hold on.
Ah! This isn't the
hair of Tarzan.
It's the hair of Cheetah!
Okay, time to shuffle
off to Buffalo.
Keep going, all right.
Ah, you win some, you lose some.
(wolf howling)
(humming)
Lily, is that you?
Ha!
Wow, hey.
You're in a good mood.
Everybody's in a
dancing mood tonight.
Is that a victory dance
because you finally got rid
of that bum Herman Munster?
La, da, dee
La, da, da
La, da, dee
- Wait a minute, what
exactly is going on here?
Are you drunk?
Did that good for
nothing give you wine?
- No, silly.
You know I never drink wine.
It's this.
- Is that what I think it is?
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, brother.
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
La, da, dee
Da, da, da
(ominous music)
(crows cawing)
(howling)
- Herman Munster!
How's it going, man?
- Man, it's going great.
And you are?
- I'm Lester, baby.
- Ah, Lester Baby.
- Your future brother-in-law.
- Oh!
- I'm the one who pointed
Lily directly to your door.
If not for me, who knows
if love would have bloomed.
- Oh, ho, ho, it is
so great to meet you.
- So listen, Herman,
now that you and I
are practically blood related
I think it's only
right that I tell ya
about this sweetheart
real estate deal.
- That sounds boss, man.
But, I think it's
best if Lily handles
the finances because I don't
have a head for numbers.
- Come on, Herman.
Get with it.
You gotta get
ahead of the curve.
If you wanna swerve.
- Oh, ho, yeah!
What do you mean?
- Now that you and
my lovely sister
are tying the knot, what's
hers is yours, right?
- Well, you do have a point.
(crows cawing)
- I assume you are the
man of the house, right?
- Yeah, well, I guess I am.
- You guess!
Come on, brother man.
Stick that chest straight out.
- I am the man of the house.
- That's the spirit.
Just sign on the dotted line
and you and your lovely bride
will be residing on easy street.
- Oh, goodie!
Lester Baby, you are
the man with the plan.
(ominous music)
Oh.
(screeching bats)
Oh!
(ethereal music)
- Please proceed with the vows.
- Dearest Lily.
You're the hemlock in my veins,
the cobweb in my brains.
I wanna boogie, oogie, oogie
'til we just can't
boogie no more.
- My sweet pussycat.
Rawr.
I knew from the moment
I saw your flat head
and that cute little scar,
that I wanted to
spend every moment
tightening those neck bolts.
All I ask is that we spend
the rest of my lives growing
disgracefully old together.
- And now the rings.
- Oh yeah.
Oh, uh, hey.
(blowing harmonica)
Yo-yo. Ha, ha.
- Yo-yo.
- Oh, there they are.
(chuckling)
- Oh!
- Herman, do you
take Lily Gruesella
to be your lawfully wedded wife
until a stake through
the heart do you part?
(sniffling)
- Oh.
- What a cream puff!
- I do.
- Oh!
(gasping)
- Lily Gruesella, do you
take Herman Dillon Munster
as your husband until a loss
of electricity do you part?
- I do!
- If anyone objects
to the marriage
of these two wretched
souls, speak now
or forever hold your peace.
- Yeah, uh--
(zapping)
I was just gonna say, good luck.
You're gonna need it
with that big dope.
(snapping)
- I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
I now pronounce.
(buzzing)
- Whoopsie.
- I now pronounce you
Mr. and Mrs. Munster.
Oh yeah.
(chuckling)
Pardon me.
Could someone please call 911?
- Come on, Hermie.
Mrs. Munster wants to
start her new life.
- Mrs. Munster.
(chuckling)
Bye!
- He's your bloody
problem now, mate.
(laughing)
(whimpering)
(light music)
- Oh, there's Lester.
(honking)
(howling)
- Did I miss the wedding?
- As a matter of fact, you did.
- Well, then, let me
take this opportunity
to congratulate my baby sister
and um, my new partner.
- Scram.
- Let's make some
money, brother!
(laughing)
(howling)
(belching)
- That Lester, what a character.
Gotta love him.
Ha, ha.
- What exactly was
Lester talking about?
You didn't give
him money, did you?
- Money? No!
He's just tipsy.
You know how wolves get
after a few too many.
- I know, my sweet,
adorable Hermie baby
wouldn't be dumb
enough to get into
a lame brain business
scheme with Lester.
- Business? With Lester?
Don't be ridiculous.
Ha, ha.
- Good, I would hate
to think I just threw
my life away
marrying a blockhead.
(ominous music)
- The castle is
now official yours.
(howling)
- Ah, it appears
your brother-in-law
is as stupid in
the brain as you.
(chuckling)
- What about my green?
- That's it?
- That is what is left
for you after our cut.
- My advice to you, don't
borrow money from Zoya.
- Trust me, you ain't
never seeing me again.
- Next time we won't
be so hospitable.
- There won't be no next time.
I'm going straight to Las Vegas.
So I can quadruple
my pitiful stack.
- Ha, ha.
Wolf never learn.
- Wolf is stupid.
(light music)
- Merci!
French fries.
Oh, look up there!
- Tres magnifique!
So, romantic.
(laughing)
(whistling fireworks)
- I hate to say it, but
old Paris is overrated.
These are some of the homeliest
people I've ever seen.
- I noticed that too.
And they sure have a funny
way of reacting to foreigners.
Some of these customs
seem downright rude.
- Well, wait a second.
I almost forgot.
I think this will
solve our problem.
We'll have no
trouble blending in.
- Oh, pookie!
You look so
continental and suave.
- I hope they don't confuse
me for Maurice Chevalier.
(laughing)
(patrons chatting)
- Oh, what a
beautiful sculpture.
(light music)
(patrons gasping)
- Hey look, a mime.
That's the height of French
culture, very classy.
- Oh right about now I think
I could use some culture.
(screaming)
- Sacre bleu!
(screaming)
- I don't get it.
- That's the loudest
mime I've ever seen.
- Must be that new modern
mime I was reading about.
- Oh.
- Oh, Hermie, look.
Oh, he's so cute.
What a sweetie.
- Oh, what's it say?
- Monstre les egouts de Paris.
- Huh?
- Monster haunts
the sewers of Paris.
- Oh, ho, ho! Oh, goodie!
Let's go.
- What a fun town!
(chuckling)
(eerie music)
- This is so romantic.
It reminds me of the
old neighborhood.
- Oh, I'm surprised
it's so empty.
I thought it would be
crawling with tourists.
- Oh, well this
is why it's empty.
It's closed.
- Oh!
I so wanted to find
that little cutie.
- Stand back.
(spitting)
(cracking)
(grunting)
(clanging metal)
(gasping)
- Oh, Hermie.
You're so manly.
(giggling)
- After you.
(giggling)
- Oh, I think I hear something.
(gurgling)
- There it goes!
- Ah!
(chuckling)
(creature growling)
- Herman.
(creature growling)
Herman.
(growling)
(Herman chuckling)
Oh, he's adorable!
(creature growling)
- Boy oh boy.
Boy, that is nice.
That is very, very nice.
Wow.
Look at this neck, it's
completely natural.
Yeah, boy, look at that.
(whistling)
That's what I say.
- I'm really a leg man, myself.
Preferably two if possible.
- What's that?
- Special delivery, my Lord.
From Zoya Krupp.
- Zoya Krupp?
Why does that name
sound familiar?
- I believe you
were once married.
- You know what,
Igor, you're right.
I was married.
Let me tell ya something.
I really dodged a
stake with this one.
Yeah, she was a little wacky.
And she swore she would
get revenge on me.
But you know, they all say that.
(chuckling)
- My dear Count, as you
once broke Zoya's heart
I now return the favor.
Enjoy being a peasant.
(screaming)
- Good news?
- We're being evicted!
- How is this pa, pa, possible?
- Because, I have a
complete numbskull
for a son-in-law!
(speaking in French)
- Huh?
Lily!
Your lover boy Herman
is getting lonely.
- Almost ready, pookie bear!
(ominous music)
- How's the newest member
of our family doing?
- Oh, he's being just
as cute as can be.
What should we name him?
- I was thinking, Spot.
- You know, he
looks like a Spot.
(ominous music)
(knocking)
- Oh, oh, goodie.
That's the champagne I ordered.
Room service at this
hotel is terrible.
Every time I order something
they just throw it at
me from across the hall.
- Oh, Herman.
You have to remember, we're
not in Transylvania anymore.
They do things
differently over here.
- Tell me about it.
I can't follow the plot of
this Woody Woodpecker cartoon
to save my life.
- Oh.
(speaking in French)
(knocking)
- Bonjour, mademoiselle.
(knocking)
(chuckling)
Merci beacoup.
(sighing)
- Sweetie, I'm ready.
Father!
What's going on?
- This halfwit, blockhead
dummy you married
just signed over our castle
to my crazy ex, Zoya.
- Well Lester said, if
I didn't swerve then...
No, wait.
If I don't curve
that I don't swerve.
- Oh Herman, how could you
let Lester drag you into this?
- Yeah, now thanks
to swervy curvy here,
we are effectively homeless.
- Well, there's only
one thing left to do.
- What's that?
- I'm gonna hold my breath
until we get the castle back.
(grunting)
- What are we going to do?
- Oh.
Who's that lawyer that's
always advertising
in the back of the
Transylvania Gazette?
The one that says
he can win any case?
- Shady MaGoon!
I know him.
There's not an honest
bone in his body.
He's untrustworthy,
unethical, and immoral.
- Good.
I will give him a
call when we get back.
(groaning)
(howling)
Who's the freak
With the claws for hands
Oh no
It's Zombo!
Who's the boss of
Creepyland, the king
It's Zombo
(chuckling)
(muffled shouting)
- So you've looked at our case.
(muffled shouting)
Right.
Okay, lightning.
(shouting)
Yes, I understand, shark.
(muffled shouting)
Right.
Lunar eclipse.
(shouting)
Well, thank you.
- Hey, that sounded promising.
What did they say?
- We have a better chance
than being struck by lightning
while being attacked by a
shark during a lunar eclipse.
In other words, we have no case.
What are we going to do?
- Ha, why don't you ask
magna cum dum-dum over there
what we're gonna do.
He's the one who got
us into this mess.
- Friar Zombo.
The most handsome man in
Hollywood, California.
- Herman!
Herman Munster!
- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?
- Hollywood, California.
- So?
- I was thinking.
- Please, please,
please, do us a favor.
No more thinking.
- As I was saying before I was
so rudely interrupted.
If that guy's a star,
imagine what'll happen
when they get a look at me.
I'm a 10.
Zombo's a seven at best.
- That man on the boob
tube has actual talent.
- Oh Herman, you
can't be serious.
I don't wanna leave our
beloved home country
and move to Tinseltown.
- Crumble Creature Crackers.
- As head of this
household, I've decided.
- Take it out of
the box like this.
- The Munsters have
out grown Transylvania!
- And then you destroy
it in the bowl!
- Hey, what about me?
- What about you?
- Lily.
You're not gonna let
your lame brain husband
abandon your poor, old,
broken down father.
- Oh, of course not.
Herman.
- Okay, he can come too.
(giggling)
But all your junk stays
here in Transylvania.
Including that freeloading Igor!
No offense.
- None taken.
- Oh.
- This is a fresh start.
All you get is one box.
- One box is all I need.
(laughing)
- Perfect.
Perfect.
Well, Igor.
This is gonna put a little
flutter in your wings.
(cackling)
- Are you sure about this, sir?
I'm getting on a bit in age
and I could suffer
from the side effects
of the transformation.
- Oh come on.
What's a couple side effects?
- Um, perhaps I should stay.
I noticed Lord Grimsby is
canvassing for a new pool boy.
- Trust me, Grimsby
Manor has no pool.
- Then why would he...
- Look, do you wanna go
to America with me or not?
- Well...
Yeah.
- He, he, bottoms up!
- Oh, that's what
Lord Grimsby said.
Ha, ha.
Mm.
(coughing)
(sputtering)
It's not working.
(screeching)
- Something homey with
an old world flare.
Preferably a tomb with a view.
That would be nice.
- Tell her nothing too showy.
We don't wanna be the
talk of the neighborhood.
It'll be bad enough once
they get a look at me.
Paparazzi will be everywhere.
- Oh, I agree.
- Yes, nothing too showy.
We're just your typical
family looking to blend in.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I believe I have just
what you're looking for.
It's a beautiful property
on a very quiet street.
- Oh, I do love quiet.
I just can't take a
noisy tomb anymore.
- The market in that
area is booming,
but if we move quick, we can
snatch up that last unit.
- If it's booming why is
there still a house available?
- Well, there is a
situation on the street
that needs to be relocated.
But once it goes, so
will the last house.
- We'll be arriving tomorrow
on Air Transylvania flight 666.
- Oh, Mrs. Munster,
I must warn you
I'm going to be heading straight
to a Halloween party after
we visit the property.
So, don't be shocked
by my appearance.
- Um, okay.
Well, we'll see you tomorrow.
Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
- Hm.
That was strange.
- What was strange?
- For some reason the poor woman
was afraid we'd be
shocked by her appearance.
- Women, they're always so
concerned about their looks.
- Not everyone can be as
beautiful as you, my dear.
- No, I guess not.
- [Announcer] Good afternoon
and welcome to Air
Transylvania flight 666.
We have a flying time of
22 hours and 47 minutes
to Los Angeles today.
- Oh, it sure was nice
of that flight attendant
to bump us up to first class.
- First class, baby!
- Although it was a bit strange
when all the other first
class passengers moved
to the back of the plane.
- Lily, my dear.
How many times
must I remind you,
the average person
isn't accustomed
to being around people of
such fine breeding of person.
(belching)
- Oh, I suppose you're right.
But still, the way she was
pushing and shoving everyone.
It was a bit aggressive.
- Where is she?
You know what, I could
go for another one.
Hey, yoo hoo!
I could go for another
one of these drinky poos.
Over here.
Hi.
(chuckling)
- Can, can I help you?
- I would like another one
of these delightful drinks.
What do you call this?
- Shirley Temple.
- It's very strong.
(chuckling)
- Okay.
(farcical music)
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, dear.
You know, statistically,
flying is the safest
way to travel.
- Oh.
(slurping)
(rushing wind)
- [Announcer] Welcome to
beautiful Los Angeles.
The local time here is 12:47
and it's a balmy 79 degrees.
Thanks for flying
Air Transylvania.
- Oh, here comes our luggage.
Talk about service, he, he!
- Um, where's Herman?
Herman!
Here he comes.
Oh.
- I'll never
drink another Shirley Temple
for as long as I live.
- How do I know where they are?
Maybe they got wise
to the situation.
(muffled speaking)
That's true, they are
from Transylvania.
(knocking)
Oh, wait, wait a minute. I think
this is them.
Okay, I gotta go.
Time for me to work my magic.
- [Caller] Oh dear.
(knocking)
- Greetings from Transylvania.
(farcical music)
That's a strange
way of saying hello.
- Oh, I guess we're gonna
have to get used to it.
- It ain't easy being beautiful.
- Tell me about it. He, he!
- Miss.
Miss?
- Ah.
- Miss, wake up.
- I assume you're
the ma, Munsters?
- I'm Herman.
And this is my darling
better half Lily.
- Hello.
- Oh, and that
thing over there is
my father-in-law the Count.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Oh yeah, uh.
- Here you go.
- Here you go.
- Ah!
- Oh.
So nice to meet you in person.
Those costumes really
threw me for a loop.
And I thought I was
taking it to an extreme.
Uh, well way to get in
the spirit of the day.
- Thank you.
What spirit is that exactly?
- Oh, you!
Okay, my car is parked
right out front.
I'm just gonna
grab my keys, okay.
- I think when she said shocking
she meant gorgeous, huh?
Bow-chica-wow-wow.
(giggling)
- Father, please keep
your fangs to yourself.
- Yeah, don't blow this.
- Follow me.
(rushing traffic)
- Hi!
- Hey!
(screeching tires)
- Lily, I want a picture of you.
I don't feel good.
- Oh, oh, oh!
(children laughing)
(light music)
- Just in case you're wondering,
this is the party I'm
all gussied up for.
The residents throw a big
Halloween bash every year.
- Boy we sure picked
a happening area.
- I'm getting a little
worried we might be
too boring for this
hipster neighborhood.
- Speak for yourself.
I'm always the first on the
dance floor at every funeral.
- I bet you are.
(screeching tires)
- Happy Halloween!
- Oh my, what
beautiful children.
- Trick or treat!
- Are you planning
on having kids?
- Well, I'm a little
young for children.
I'm only 150.
Although, you know
what they say?
- What, what's that?
- 150 is the new 100.
- Oh.
Oh!
(laughing)
You are a trip!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- I'm a trip?
- Hollywood lingo.
- Oh!
- Well, what'd ya think?
Cute, right?
- Oh my! Herman.
- I know it.
It's perfect.
- It's more than perfect.
It's breath taking.
- I've always wanted
to be featured
in Better Tombs and Gardens.
(ethereal music)
- Uh, okay, crazy jokesters.
Follow me.
- Herman, why is
she walking towards
that hideous monstrosity?
- I think Barbara is
trying to swindle us
into buying that abomination.
- She must think we're yokels
straight off the garlic wagon.
- Oh! Herman, deal with this.
Show her who you're made of.
- Yeah, you're the
man of the house.
- Look, Barbara.
I must inform you
that we Munsters,
we're not born yesterday.
I mean, some of my
parts were, of course.
But that's besides the point.
I want this house.
And I'm not gonna
pay more than--
- Sold.
- Please, please.
Don't argue with me.
You'll only embarrass yourself.
Let's be civilized.
- Oh, whatever you say.
The house is yours.
- Ha!
Now, now.
You don't want me to get tough.
What?
Wait, what'd you just say?
- The house is yours.
This place has been
a thorn in my butt
for the past two years.
If you wanna buy
it and restore it
to its former glory, then
you just go for it, honey.
- And another thing, we
don't want one grave moved.
We're very sociable people.
- Um, okay.
No problem.
- If you think it
looks wonderful now,
just wait until we
get finished with it.
- Oo, I can't wait to
start poking around
the backyard, who
knows who I might find!
(giggling)
- So, when do you wanna move in?
- [Together] Right now!
(eerie music)
- Well, now what?
We've got the house
of our dreams,
but we are flat broke.
- I guess we all
have to get jobs.
- No, no, no.
I'm the man of the house.
Tomorrow I'll go
out and get a job.
- Doing what, exactly?
- I don't know, I mean.
I'm pretty sure any
business would wanna
have me around the
office as eye candy.
(woman screaming)
- What's that sound?
- You know what
that sounds like?
A witch burning.
(screaming)
- Lily, come look!
- Well, I guess we
should check it out.
- Yeah, okay.
(funky music)
- Oh my.
I think now would
be the perfect time
to go out and introduce
ourselves to the neighbors.
- That's a grand idea.
We don't want them thinking
that the Munsters are snobs.
- Speak for yourself.
We come from a long
line of blue bloods.
Snobbery is in our veins.
(funky music)
Vampire
Vampira
Vampira
Taste
The fresh blood
I feel no remorse
Fly away
Fly away
Fly away home now
The Vampira
(cheering)
Where do you go
When your loved
ones drop dead
To Gateman,
Goodbury, and Graves
What you do when you turn
stiff as lead
Call Gateman,
Goodbury, and Graves
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Very good.
(applauding)
- It is now time to
announce the winner.
- We have been secretly
monitoring your attire
throughout the festivities
and have made our decisions.
And all decisions are final.
- Much like the icy
touch of the Grim Reaper.
That was a joke.
(chuckling)
- The winner is...
- [Together] The Munster family.
- Oh!
(clapping)
- Herman, why is
everyone staring at us?
- I think we just won.
- What did we win?
- Well, it's obviously
a beauty contest.
- I say we grab the
dough and get outta here
before they change their mind.
- Gaze upon these
glorious rags of horror.
- Well, this is quite the
welcome.
You see, my family
and I just moved
to this neighborhood
only one hour ago.
We are now the proud owner
of that beautiful
little number 1313.
(chuckling)
This is my beautiful wife, Lily.
She's dressed to kill.
Unfortunately she
cooks the same way.
(laughing)
- Oh honey, I think
that's quite enough.
- Okay, okay.
Hey everybody, thanks
so much for the mullah.
And if anyone's hiring,
my dopey son-in-law
is looking for a job.
Okay, thank you.
Come on.
- We're number one!
- Okay.
- We're number one!
(cheering)
- Oh my goodness, well I'll
have to visit you, thank you.
- A ghost walks into the bar
and orders a shot of vodka.
- Listen, there's
no blood in this.
I don't know, someone's
playing a joke.
- Well, he is, and you know.
- The bartender says, sorry,
we don't serve spirits here.
Ha, ha, ha!
- Oh you're.
Oh!
- Excuse me.
Uh, Lily, all right.
Why don't we go over here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I've got a million,
believe me fellas.
You're gonna love this.
Oh.
- Is it true you are looking
for gainful employment?
Because if it is, we
might have something
of interest to you.
- Well, I hope it's in the
entertainment business.
- No, we're in the
business of death.
- The finest funeral parlor
in all of Mockingbird Heights.
- I am Mr. Gateman.
- I am Mr. Goodbury.
- And I am Mr. Graves.
- Funeral parlor.
I think I could dig that.
- We need a man to move some
of our larger, uh, clients
from box to box.
- I've got experience in that.
- We don't like to leave
the stiffs lying around
for more than 48 hours or so.
- They tend to ferment.
- Have you fellas heard
about the new glass coffins?
- We have not.
Are they successful?
- Remains to be
seen, Mr. Gateman.
Remains to be seen.
(wheezing)
- After you, my dear.
(chuckling)
- Boy, what a fun group.
- I have to admit, I
haven't had that much fun
since storming the Bastille.
- Well, I don't
know about you two,
but I'm exhausted.
Those neighbors sure
can talk your ears off.
Oh, what's wrong?
- I'm just checking to see if my
ears are still there.
I'd hate to lose one.
It makes my reading
glasses hang funny.
(wheezing)
- Okay, I'm gonna hit the slab.
- Good nightmare.
Goodnight to you,
my dear father-in-law
(zapping)
- Oh! Garn, darn, darn!
- Oh, Hermie.
You're so talented.
- I lost you once,
but now you belong
with the dead.
I want to live, even
in this strange--
- Hoo yah!
- Herman, what are you doing?
- I'm just practicing
a few moves.
Thursday night is league
night at the parlor.
- Oh, I thought
you hated bowling.
Besides, you haven't even
started your new job yet.
- I'm trying to get ready.
Can't let the fellas down.
- I know but let's
not get carried away.
(glass breaking)
Come to bed, dear.
You don't wanna be tired
for your first day of work.
- I really like
that Mr. Gateman.
He paid me the
nicest compliment.
- Oh, what was it?
- He said, Munster, you
have a face for funerals.
- How sweet.
And how true.
(glass shattering)
- Still got it.
(light music)
- Mm!
- So what do you have
planned for today?
- Oh, I was gonna hang around
the house for a little while.
See if I could figure out a way
to turn Igor back
into his old self.
- Oh, I kind of
like the new Igor.
He's got a lot more pep.
- Yeah.
- Bawk!
The time is... get to work.
Ya big dummy.
Nevermore.
- Oh golly, I'm gonna be late.
- Don't forget your lunch.
I made you a special
surprise for your first day.
- Chocolate chip cookies
shaped like Mickey Mouse?
- You'll find out at lunch.
(kissing)
- Gotta boogie.
- Knock 'em dead!
- I'm pretty sure
they already are.
- It's always good
to double check.
- Oh!
Ho, ho!
- Have fun.
(slurping)
(belching)
- Ugh.
(light music)
- Oh bummer.
What a crummy day.
(light music)
(ominous music)
(baby crying)
- Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Ah!
Lily! Lily!
Come quick!
911 emergency!
Car 54 where are you?
- Herman, what is the matter?
- It's a freak show out there.
Everywhere ya look, it's
more horrible than the next.
I think we've been invaded
by outer space mutants.
- What are you talking about?
- All the beautiful
people from last night
have been replaced by
these hideous creatures.
- Oh, Herman.
Don't be so dramatic.
Everybody looks different
in the daylight.
Let me take a look.
- No, don't.
Don't! Don't!
(ominous music)
I can't look.
(ominous music)
The horror.
(children playing)
- I for one just
don't understand it.
- Neither do I.
What happened to all the
hotties from last night?
- What are we gonna do?
We can't live like this
with people that look like that.
- I agree with my
favorite son-in-law.
- It's a disgrace.
- Yeah.
- Herman Munster!
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
I expect this from
my father, but you?
Everyone can't be
as fortunate as us.
It's what's inside a
person that counts.
- Well then I'm
gonna need a pair
of X-ray glasses because I
can't handle the outside.
- He's right.
I haven't seen anything that
gruesome in all of my lives.
(knocking)
Oh no!
- It's one of those freaks!
Don't answer.
- We are going to answer
that door as a family
and greet whoever is
there as our equal.
- Okay, but.
I hope this lessens the shock.
- Follow me.
- Your wife is scary.
- I know.
Ugh.
- Lily!
- Lester.
- What are you doing here?
- You've got a lot of
nerve coming here, buster.
- After what you pulled,
I oughta belt ya
right in the kisser.
- Herman, baby, before
you go all ape on me,
I got a surprise.
I made a killing in Vegas
after that castle deal.
And here's your share.
(light music)
(chuckling)
- What's it say?
- Come on, spit it out.
- Herman!
- I'm rich.
I'm rich! I'm rich!
- What?
- We're rich!
We're rich!
We're rich!
Oh, ho!
(funky music)
("The Munsters"
theme song plays)
(funky music)
Way back home
in Transylvania
Through the fog and gloom
I think I see a light
burning in the castle
Must be coffin room
Now sleeping in
box lies Lily
Oh man, she's a groovy chick
And way down in the dungeon
Her father the Count
of magic tricks
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Remember, if the
tomb is rocking
Don't come knocking
Ah, ha, ha
Up the road comes a
tall green stranger
His head is large and flat
Electric bolts
protrude from his neck
That's Hermie, a
wild, crazy cat
He's come to see Lily
A soulmate from the grave
He loves her with
his blackened heart
Like a couple of
bats loves a cave
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and a little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Ah, this song makes
me want to dance
I must be a boogie man
Ha, ha, ha
Now soaring above
the old cemetery
Is a furry old
bat named Igor
He's heading straight
to the Munster house
A dwelling some
consider an eye sore
Ah, but the neighbors
don't understand
What madness happens inside
And the wacky hijinks
These monsters create
Every night like the
Salem witch trials
Ha, ha, ha
Oh, they are the Munsters
They're freaky, cuckoo,
and a little insane
Oh, they are the Munsters
They now live down
on Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
On Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
A little insane
Freaky, freaky
On Mockingbird Lane
Freaky, freaky
A little insane
(ominous organ music)