The Mystery Cruise (2013) Movie Script
Don't worry, Lulu!
I'll have you back home
to mama by nap-time.
Run, run, as fast as you can,
you can't catch me,
I'm Alvirah Meehan!
Well, outrun this, lady!
Regan!
I know, she's pushing her luck.
Jack, unless you wanna tell her.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Chicken.
Thanks for sending a car
to pick the creep up.
I'll see you tonight.
Look at you.
Cass, relax. Look, she's fine.
No, Alvirah.
She's perfect.
Say thank you, Tallulah.
Thank you, Alvirah,
for saving me.
You and your partner, Regan,
you're the best private
eyes in all of Manhattan.
It's nothing.
Kidnapping, dognapping,
it's all in a day's work.
Right, Regan?
Well, there are just no words.
I don't know what Lulu and I
would have done...
Yes, isn't she helpful?
Well, I know we settled
on 20, Alvirah,
but seeing I was prepared
to pay a million-dollar
ransom...
50 grand for a dog?
And precious member
of her family.
That's very generous, Cass.
Made out to the Meehan & Reilly.
Detective Agency
as directed.
There is no 'Meehan and
Reilly Detective Agency.'
- We have a bank account.
- We do?
How else would we
cash the check?
I also ordered the
matching stationery.
Say the word,
and I will make this new
crime shop of yours
the talk of the town.
I have a lead on a smashing
pocket listing for you uptown.
Don't dawdle.
I'm going to take care
of some business.
No. No, no, no, no, you don't.
We have to discuss
this, Alvirah.
But Cass said!
I know what she said.
But just because we've solved
a couple of cases together
doesn't mean that we
should become partners.
What, even if we call it
the 'Reilly and Meehan
Detective Agency?'
Even then. It's too dangerous.
But we did good today.
We got lucky today.
What happened to
stick with the plan?
Your cross-my-heart promise
to wait in the car?
Willy got hungry.
I sent him to get a quick nosh,
and that's when I spotted
our dog-napper.
He had Lulu, and she
was right there.
I'm sorry, Alvirah...
Come on!
But the way that you operate,
leaping before you look,
sooner or later
I'm gonna get to you
two seconds too late,
and you're gonna get dead.
But you're never late,
and that's what makes
us so good together!
Admit it, we were destined
to be partners in crime,
ever since Willy's toothache
and your dad's dental
phobia brought us together,
which, need I remind you,
led to us both saving
your kidnapped father.
No, you needn't remind me.
But that was a fluke,
and no reason to think about
opening a P.I. agency.
I've got $50,000 reasons
that say otherwise.
And I'm happy to take
my half of the reward,
but then you've got
to promise me,
matching stationery or not,
you'll close that account.
Look...
Having good instincts
for spotting trouble
doesn't mean that you're
prepared to handle it.
Just once, I'd like to spend
our time together as friends,
instead of...
Pretend private eyes.
We do lots of things as friends!
Like that boat cruise
we're taking next week
to celebrate your
mom's new book.
You and me,
playing 1870s dress-up
crime-busters,
that is pure fun!
And I'm holding you to it.
I promised Jack
this murder mystery boat cruise
was all play, all the time...
And that goes double for you.
We'll be partners
yet, Regan Reilly,
just you wait and see.
On behalf
of my beautiful
wife, Nora Reilly,
it is my honor to welcome
you lucky winners
for a three-day cruise
around the magnificent
San Juan islands,
aboard the luxury yacht,
"The Taconite"
where you will celebrate,
and also play a part in,
Nora's latest masterpiece
of mayhem and murder,
"The Mystery Cruise."
You know, when I
look at all of you
in your mystery game
costumes, it's...
It's truly a dream come true!
We're going to be departing
in just a few minutes,
so whenever you're ready,
please come on aboard
"The Taconite"!
This is Ivy Pickling,
she's playing the reporter.
Thanks for joining us, Ivy!
We look forward to
your inside scoops.
Of course. Thank you.
Here's your detective.
A widower, name's Ted Cannon.
- You must be Ted?
- Yeah.
I'll bet nothing gets past you.
It's an honor.
This could only be
Hans and Greta Dietz,
your tourists from abroad.
Mr. and Mrs. Dietz!
All the way from Switzerland!
Willkommen.
Thank you.
Thank you so much
for picking me.
This is the thrill
of a lifetime!
And he is?
I'm, well, I'm not really sure.
But maybe the banker?
Seaman York reporting for duty,
A.K.A. "Stowaway."
First name, Casper.
And my dear wife, Serena.
"Society belle" and all
around good sport.
I know you!
Mayfair Books, London, right?
Guilty as charged.
I was at your signing last year,
but nothing can top this.
By all means, sneak onboard!
Aw...
Willy, welcome.
Hi.
One of you is
gorgeous, by the way.
Do you know any place on
the ship where you can...
I certainly do.
The card games is on
the poop deck, Willy.
That's Willy "Maverick" Meehan,
breaker of hearts and
winner at cards.
But you knew that.
If Regan should happen to ask...
Card room's the last
place you'll be.
See, I knew there was
an extra-special reason I
loved being your son-in-law.
The schoolteacher, Mom? Really?
And yet she's the
'dance hall girl'?
Hey, you're not
Nora's biggest fan.
Well, she's got
you there, kiddo.
Shall we?
But doesn't 'number one
kid' count for anything?
Huh?
Pops...
The players in and
out of the game
are listed here,
and the clues to be uncovered
are noted there.
And these add up
to what exactly?
Why, the intricacies
of Nora's game.
It's ingeniously
elegant, actually.
Each day, we'll receive
a new set of chapters
chock full of leads,
while the final chapter,
which reveals the
murderer's true identity
will be held back until
our journey's end.
As we all learned in
chapters one through five,
which we received with our
tickets and invitations,
tonight, one of us
will be murdered,
and the first among us
to uncover their motive
and expose the killer
will take home the grand prize,
unless, of course,
they accuse the wrong
player of murder,
in which case,
They are out of the game.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Can you imagine it, Greta?
Having the entire Nora
Reilly collection,
all autographed first editions.
Ja.
Would it not be wonderful?
No matter what,
Hans, we must win!
Ja.
First time at sea?
Um... how'd you know?
That's how I make my living.
Of course, you're
playing the detective.
I've never done one of
these things before.
Role-playing and all.
Yeah, me neither.
It's Alvirah Meehan!
A simple cleaning
lady from Queens.
After winning $40 million
in the lottery...
became a part-time
reporter for "The Globe,"
thanks to her ability
to uncover crime
wherever she goes...
Her most popular stories
detailing the adventures
of her favorite
street-smart private eye...
Regan Reilly!
The P.I. whose mother
is a mystery writer...
and a father who owns
funeral homes...
who is often quoted as saying...
"When dinner talk
in the family home"
is about murder and mayhem...
"what else are you going
to be when you grow up?"
And who else would you marry
but crack NYPD
detective Jack Reilly.
No relation, mind you.
And we're all in the
same murder mystery!
That's some get-up
you're flouncing about
in there, missy.
I hope it doesn't offend
your school teacher
sensibilities.
I'm planning on doing
the cancan in it later.
I'll be sure to book
a ringside seat.
You do that.
I can't seem to find
a certain gambler,
and I don't mean Willy.
And right where I
knew I'd find you.
"My soul is full of longing
for the secret of the sea..."
"And the heart of
the great ocean..."
"Though nothing fills this heart
like the passion I
have for thee."
Okay, Longfellow,
time for the gambler
to go to work.
Go? I'm just getting warmed up.
Luke...
Yes, darling?
You are incorrigible.
Well, now, it appears
I have lost my way.
Pardon me, you wouldn't
happen by any chance
to know where a gambling
man could find a card game
around here?
Caspy! Sorry, he's a bit tipsy.
Darling, mind your step.
How about you two?
Good evening.
Schnell! Liebling!
If at first you don't succeed...
Yeah, again. With gusto.
Come on, folks, don't be coy.
How can I interest you
in a game of chance?
You can't win if you don't play!
"Pickling" like "pickle,"
but drop the "E" and an "I-N-G."
It was nice to meet
you, Miss Pickle-ling.
The pleasure's all mine.
No need to thank me, ma'am.
As an old Navy corpsman,
I am fully qualified
to play your doctor.
Excellent.
So this is what
heaven looks like.
Tell me about it.
Crispy, greasy...
And the food's good, too.
All right, all right, I
hate to interrupt you two,
but are we playing
poker here or what?
Take it easy, skinny.
I raise you $20.
Hoo! Too rich for me.
All right, I'll see
your 20 to call.
Two pair, 10 high.
That's a great-looking hand.
It's a shame it has
to lose to me.
I'm not gloating.
It's a full house.
And a pleasure doing
business with you.
Stand back.
Isn't this view
every bit as inviting
as I said it would be?
As beautiful as
my bride, Serena.
Bride?
That was five years ago.
Every day's a honeymoon
with you, Love!
Happy anniversary.
More champagne, darling?
I rather think I've had enough.
No, there's no such thing
as too much bubbly.
To happiness
and long life.
Stop!
Where is it, you dirty
double-crosser?
I swear, I don't have it.
But I know you
do, you lying rat.
But you made one fatal mistake,
and that was to leave the man
whose murder you framed me for
alive!
That's impossible!
I shot him.
Three times in the back.
But with his dying breath,
"Left Hook" Louis begged
me to avenge him,
and I am here to do just that.
Now, where is the map to Left
Hook Louis' lost gold mine?
I don't know.
If I knew where it was,
I'd tell you, honest.
Honest?
You wouldn't know honest
if you married it!
Now, you step back!
Whoa!
Let go!
What?
You're supposed to let go.
Yeah! Sorry.
It tickles.
Luke... Stop it.
Look.
Look.
Isn't the moon lovely tonight?
Ouch.
"Ouch?"
Come on, you're killing me here.
I'm trying to murder you.
Okay, fine.
Serena? Serena? What is it?
It's nothing, Caspy.
Good lord!
The game's afoot and
we're missing it!
Come on.
I guess this makes the
gambler our victim.
Indeed.
Cross him off...
Gang way, gang way.
Excuse me.
This man is dead.
Stabbed in the heart.
And the murder weapon
appears to be missing.
Caspy, forgive me,
but I've had all the excitement
I can take for one day.
Go play some cards,
enjoy yourself.
I'm going to catch up
on my beauty rest.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Aw.
I was good, wasn't I?
Fantastic.
Marvelous, marvelous.
Um, I say,
did you ever stumble upon that
aforementioned card game?
No, but that is an
excellent idea.
Darling, would you mind if I...
Go on, enjoy your poker game.
Thank you.
This way.
You're sure off to a
great start, Mom.
The mystery is a total blast.
Really?
Absolutely.
I especially loved the way
that dad got into his part.
He was cute, wasn't he?
And you make a sensational
dance hall girl.
What?
Thank you, Nora.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have things to
prepare for tomorrow.
I'll see both of you
bright and early.
Bye.
Okay, Alvirah, what's up?
Nothing's up.
I can almost hear
those wheels grinding
in that busybody brain of yours.
There is nothing up.
Just, I should have
eaten something
at the mixer.
Now I got a headache, and...
As if you didn't know,
a murder to solve.
And since you must have
lessons to prepare
for your new schoolroom,
I bid you adieu.
But I could use a bite, too,
and seeing the galley is
open round the clock,
my dear dance hall girl,
why not join me for a snack
before I bid you adieu
to solve this mystery?
Perfect.
What do you mean
"where was I when the
gambler was murdered?"
I don't see that as
any of your concern,
unless of course you're
formally accusing me...
Not at all.
I just happened to notice
that you were late
to the party.
Which to me, would indicate
that you were there
conveniently early.
Which is when we need
to wake up tomorrow,
so if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna call it a night.
Yeah, me too.
You want the last bite?
Nah, kill it.
They're splitting up.
I can see that.
Of course you can.
What I mean is, are
they splitting up
because they know
we're tailing them
and are forcing us
to make a choice,
or are they splitting
to throw each other off
their own tails, or both?
We could split up to follow 'em.
I'm thinking let's
stick with Regan,
and not because I think
she's the killer,
but because she's a pro
and has the skills
to crack this case,
while Alvirah,
though also skilled,
relies more on luck,
and seems too obvious a
choice to have that part.
I like it.
Wait.
I guess we debated a...
A little too long?
Well...
Pick this up in the morning?
Yeah, that... That sounds good.
Good night.
Good night.
I can't believe the joy
of tooting the horn
came at such a cost.
To miss the murder.
Yeah, but who could
know these things?
I should have known, Hans.
Me!
So, my sweet Alvirah
plays the lottery
like it's a calling,
and there's me, a
poor plumber...
A great plumber,
but a poor one...
Happy to have three
nickels to rub together,
and she's out there
spending two of 'em,
rain or shine, on
a sucker's game,
which, of course I
complain about,
until she wins the big jackpot.
Okay, she hits everything
she ever wanted,
which, of course,
she never lets me forget about.
Well,
seeing as you've experienced
the windfall of good fortune,
perhaps this won't
sting quite so much.
Aces over. Appears to win again?
It seems that one can
be lucky in love
and lucky in cards?
For you maybe.
Me, I'm done with
the cards part.
I, too, am past my
quota for punishment.
What do you say we make things
a little more interesting
and maybe, double the odds
for the next few hands?
I'm all played out.
As am I.
Whoa.
You okay there?
I'm afraid the excitement
of the evening
has rather taken its toll.
Well,
seeing as I have no
one left to deal to,
why don't you let
me give you a hand
back to your cabin?
Bless you.
You're most kind.
You sure you can handle this?
Of course.
Besides, I think those eclairs
have your name written
all over them.
I thought they did...
Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.
Come on, let's get you to bed.
Well, maybe just one.
These look pretty good.
Hey...
What are you doing out here?
Just hoping you'd show up.
Is that so?
Well, you got me.
What?
What aren't you telling me?
Okay, look, don't even think
about rubbing it in...
Ho...
But, well,
being out here on the water,
so quiet and relaxing,
just you, me and
the night sky...
It has its pluses.
So all that
complaining that you did
before we left home,
and I quote, "do we have
to go on this cruise"
with a bunch of nuts
"playing dressed-up
crime-busters?"
And how I had to remind you
that you were married to one
of those nuts, and now...
Now you have the nerve...
Okay, yes, yes, I admit
it, I like the boat.
But more important, I love
the joy that you being here
brings to your mother.
Well, you keep talking like that, Mr.
Reilly,
and you just might get
to walk this teacher home
from school tonight.
Really?
I like the sound of that.
No, no, do come in!
Serena, darling!
Allow me to introduce
the kind gent
who...
Serena?
Serena?
Serena?
It appears that my dear wife
has stepped out for her
evening constitutional.
Well, I look forward to meeting
her another time, then.
Indeed. Yes.
- Good night.
- Good night,
and thank you so much again.
My pleasure.
A piece of champagne bottle
I now fear indicates
that while I was in
the act of committing
my pretend murder...
- Let go!
- What?
You're supposed to let go!
Underfoot overhead.
Of course, it took me
a moment to realize
what I think I saw...
As the shattering glass
grabbed my attention.
However, as the dance hall girl,
I had to take the
gambler's wallet,
which held "Left
Hook" Louie's map,
and then quickly exit the
scene of the crime...
as I had to hide the knife
before anyone spotted me.
But once I gathered
my thoughts...
I just knew that Serena
had to be in the act...
of hitting her husband
with the champagne bottle
and pushing him overboard...
when Luke's...
dying scream threw
her off her game,
causing her to drop the
bottle and cut her finger...
evidenced by the bloody glove
I witnessed later
in the salon...
leaving me in a quandary,
as with no hard proof,
it's only speculation.
Caspy...
Forgive me,
but I've had all the excitement
I can take for one day.
And if I dared to share my
suspicions with anyone,
especially Regan,
I run the risk of ruining
Nora's mystery game
on nothing more than
a half-baked hunch.
And to do that
after she trusted me
with the honored role
of the murderer,
and Regan insisted on us
just being friends
on this trip...
You ate too much, didn't you?
Yes. Maybe a little.
A little?
Well, let's see.
We have fried shrimp...
Well, fried shrimp is fried.
Fried oysters, French fries,
cocktail sauce,
and eclairs...
I'm guessing a dozen.
Good guess.
Go.
I will fix you a bicarbonate.
With all due respect...
I was only asking
if they might be...
Misplaced, so you said.
And I can assure you
that I gave my cabin
a very thorough search,
as my missing cufflinks
hand-engraved 24 karat gold
were a treasured gift
from my sainted mum.
"The Taconite" has a very
sterling reputation.
One, I'm afraid to say,
that is clearly in danger
of being tarnished.
For this misunderstanding,
any loses anyone might
incur are fully insured.
Caspy, your tea.
So,
this rogue skips
free to Nick again?
No one is suggesting that.
Darling,
it's going to get cold.
Well...
- I should hope not.
- Agreed.
I only feel that...
Only! There can be no "only."
My good sir,
never forget
that we are Nora Reilly's
most loyal readership.
Why, we would revel
in the challenge
of bagging this filcher!
Caspy...
You know how you get
without your morning pick-me-up.
Yes, yes, thank you, darling.
Of course, of course.
And this thievery, if
that's what it is,
is certainly troubling.
"Troubling?"
No.
Right is right,
and wrong is wrong,
and this wrong!
Seriously?
Seriously!
What?
Serena, darling, it's
just a cup of tea.
I couldn't help it, Alvirah.
You know I've got a mouth on me.
Yes, and you were "only eatin'"
as the cards were
fallin' again' ya."
I know my limit.
You might, but this
"Maverick" character?
Him I'm not so sure about.
So, how many times
do you have to check
on this knife
you stashed, anyway?
All right...
There you are.
Thank you.
Thanks.
And who else do we have?
Yes.
And Alvirah's not the
first in line...
Okay, I wondered how
long it would take
before you got hooked into this.
What are you talking about?
I'm just making an observation.
Sure, sure.
Come on, come clean,
you know you want in.
I'm only playing
to keep Mom happy.
Yeah.
But you know you want to win.
I don't care about winning.
Honey.
Okay, I'd hate
losing to Alvirah.
- What, so you think that she...
- Is the murderer?
No.
Mom would never make such
a cut-and-dried choice.
Unless you consider that
Alvirah, in that role,
provides the perfect cover.
Just saying.
And you really think I
wouldn't notice, Alvirah?
You've had the happy gait
of a Nora Reilly murderess
ever since you got the costume
and the travel packet.
And you know what?
That's the way it should be.
The truth is, nothing
makes me happier
than seeing you get this
much joy out of it.
Really, Willy?
Even if I keep you up
all night reading?
Well, that I hate, but...
No, even then.
Anyhoo, do you think
Serena really was going
to bump off her husband
with that champagne bottle?
No, that was just
to knock him out.
Sure, sure, and
then over he goes.
You know what,
you're really good at
this stuff, Alvirah.
Then why am I stuck
on what to do?
Why can't I just
trust my intuition?
Because Nora gave
you a plum part,
and even if there's no
real trouble afoot,
you'll mess things
up for no reason.
Not that you asked,
but sometimes, it's best
for you to just stick to being
in one murder mystery at a time.
Sometimes, you're pretty smart.
As you are beguiling, dear lady.
Brother.
Go! Go play.
And don't forget,
don't be late tonight for
our date tonight to the...
where all are welcome to dine
and dance the night away!
Until then,
happy reading and
happy sleuthing!
Did you see, in chapter 12?
I know,
we've got to find Left Hook
Louie's missing pouch.
Hans. Hans!
They have already
deciphered the next clue.
We must beat them to the beutel.
Ja, but I haven't
had my strudel.
Strudel?
I'll make you the best strudel
when we win.
Now, let's go. Let's go!
Well, sweetheart,
I'm off to take my
post-breakfast nap,
which will soon be followed
by my after-lunch nap.
That's fine, dear,
but sometime today, when
your eyes are open,
please speak with the captain.
So you are worried about this?
If it becomes a
distraction, yes.
For the game to work,
players have to suspend
their disbelief.
A real crime spree will
unravel everything.
You know, busting bad
guys is what we do.
No, no, no, you're on vacation,
and I have years of
hand-holding to draw on.
And I have a mystery
to attend to.
I'll see you two tonight.
So, school's back in session?
You don't mind, do you?
No, no, I'm good, teach.
I think I'll just grab
one of those naps
your daddy's hoarding.
Bye.
Go ahead, ask me anything.
I have nothing to hide.
Other than this?
I did not hide that knife.
You sure knew where
to look for it.
I had a hunch where it might be.
Didn't see any reason
to clue you in.
Unless you put it there
and this is one big smokescreen?
Are you accusing me?
Why, are you accusing me?
Good.
Then I suggest we put the
knife back where we found it,
and see who might
turn up to claim it.
Works for me.
Partner.
Is that "Left Hook"
Louis' pouch was found.
They don't know it was by us
and they don't
know what's in it.
Now, that's an advantage
we're going to lose
when the next chapter comes out.
Bingo.
And as it was filed
with gold nuggets,
it follows Nora's habit...
incorporating
non-fictional events
into her fabulous
works of fiction.
Bingo again.
Nora knows
and expects us to do a
little digging to know
that boats often
ferried gold miners
up and down the west coast,
including the San Juan islands.
As Louis was a miner,
we need to deduce how
he and the gambler
were connected
if we hope to I.D. whoever
killed the gambler,
and for the win,
find what could only be a map
that the gambler must
have stolen from Louis,
leading us to Louis' mine.
That's a triple bingo.
Yeah.
Feels so delicious
to be out of that itchy costume.
And thanks to a very bad guess
who the killer is,
finally out of that silly game.
Not much of a Nora Reilly fan?
No, I'm only here for the hubby.
He's playing the stowaway?
Something like that.
Frankly, I find the whole
mystery genre a bore.
Well, I think it was great
the way he stood up to the
captain this morning.
Seems like a good man.
Isn't he, though?
Still, one would think
a career diplomat
and married to me
would have found
Vienna, Paris, or Rome
more apropos
for celebrating one's fifth
wedding anniversary.
It was Ivy.
She found the pouch.
You're off to a great start.
I'll take four, please.
And one for me.
Check.
That finishes me. Bet's to you.
Well...
I shall raise you five large.
And I shall...
See that five large
and call you.
Well...
Three lovely ladies.
Well, gents, now you know
what four dancing
dandies look like!
And this, gentlemen, is
what retreat looks like
whilst one still
has one's shirt.
Right behind you.
You're not quitting, too,
are you, Willy?
You're on a winning streak.
The cards love you!
Well, I promised Alvirah I...
would be on time.
Although I guess I could
play a couple more hands.
Now you're talking.
All right...
"The Taconite" sure is a beauty.
Yes, I like to think of her
as a floating museum.
She is all that and more.
Why, thank you.
Please, don't wait anymore.
Go ahead, eat.
He'll get here.
I am officially grounding
Willy when we get home.
You can do that?
Okay, you know what,
I'll go round him up.
That way, we can all have a
nice quiet, relaxing evening.
Thank you.
Yeah.
It's not like you don't
have him well trained, too.
Caspy, you're wasting hot water.
I'm so enjoying Nora's book,
I hate to tear myself away.
Honey...
We're running late for dinner.
I'm sorry, Alvirah,
really, I am.
Not half as sorry
as you're gonna be
when she's standing here.
Here, let me help
you with your tie.
I messed up, Jack.
Oliver really played me.
I lost way more than I planned.
Worse than Alvirah will forgive.
The crook even took my watch.
What, you're
positive he cheated?
This isn't you having
losers' remorse?
I know he did, I
just don't know how.
Okay, but, look,
we gotta put a pin in
this for now, all right?
I'll run this Oliver first
thing in the morning.
Blimey!
Your husband was lucky to
have only grazed his head,
but as he did suffer
a mild concussion,
and you can never
be too careful,
it's best he rest
here overnight.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
I can't tell you what it means
to get this off my chest.
I'm happy to help.
But with social media,
all it takes is one report
of something being stolen,
and there goes your
4-star rating.
And if this gets out,
then I'm really sunk.
Well, I've got to get
back to the bridge.
Thanks for looking
into this for me.
I'm not going to find
these showing up for sale
online, am I?
Not that you would do that.
It reminds me of Nora's book.
"The slip and fall killer!"
Exactly!
First thing that
came to my mind.
Yeah, me too. I guess we have...
murder on our mind?
Only in this case,
thank goodness,
the poor man isn't, you know...
But when you add up
the bar of soap,
a couple on vacation,
the similarities
to the book are...
Eerily coincidental.
Excuse me.
I need to talk to you.
Sure, I just want
to grab a nosh.
Talk now, nosh later.
Come on.
All right, you got me.
Thank you, Willy.
I'm afraid that my
intuition was right.
Do you, like to dance?
I'm not sure I remember how.
My wife was the one who could
always get me out there
on the dance floor,
no matter how big of a
fool I made of myself.
So, you're married?
Widowed.
You?
Never found the right guy.
Some night, huh?
Quite a day, too.
Yup.
A lovely affair.
Lovely.
Admit I'm the mystery
cruise murderer...
tell her I'm the mystery
cruise murderer.
And share my hunch about
Serena with Regan.
What she's not telling me.
I wouldn't ruin our vacation,
so I'd better not.
So, you two are still out here,
waiting for someone to
come for that knife?
Regan, I'm going to bed.
Alvirah...
Willy ate more than
his eyes could hold.
Enough to land in the infirmary.
And, no. No, I did
not lecture him.
Right now he's more
afraid of seeing you
than anything I
could possibly say.
And that is my report.
Good night, ladies.
Good night.
Good night.
My leg's asleep.
Okay.
Watch your head.
What are you doing!?
I'm making my husband
comfortable,
not that it's any
of your concern.
That's not what it
looks like to me!
Who do you think you are?
Help!
This man needs help!
What's going on here?
That's what I'd like to know!
Please, make sure
he's breathing.
I gave him something to rest,
and he's fine.
Well, I'm certainly not fine.
I'm warning you, captain,
you keep this crazy woman
away from my husband.
Honey...
Regan!
Regan!
Honey... Honey, the door.
What?
Someone's at the door.
Coming, coming, coming,
coming, coming...
Regan!
It's for you.
What?
It's for you.
This is the map I got
off the gambler.
It shows the secret location
of Left Hook Louis'
lost gold mine.
Pretty cool, huh?
Of course, Nora being Nora,
it's in French.
Well, if you pulled me out
of bed to translate this,
you're out of luck.
No.
Not exactly.
I got you up to tell you
that, one,
I am the murderer in your
mother's mystery game,
and two,
and yes,
I am crossing-my-heart
and promising...
That I wouldn't say
this if I wasn't sure.
We've got a real
murderer on this boat.
What?
And then,
when I went to check on Willy,
who was under order
to stick by Casper
until I relieve him,
I caught Serena trying
to suffocate Casper
with a pillow!
An almost perfect murder,
as his death would
likely be dismissed
as the tragic result
of his concussion!
Okay, okay, okay, hold up.
Because what you don't know is
how I noticed how
off you were acting
at the crime scene of
the murdered gambler...
I wanted to tell you then!
But you didn't want
to spoil the game.
- Which I totally...
- Exactly.
And Serena?
When you add in how she
went off at breakfast
over that cup of tea...
Making me wonder what was in it.
Not to mention how flippant she
was about her anniversary?
Not nice.
Not nice.
But what's most disturbing...
Is if she really
wants Casper dead,
and we can't prove it
in the next 24 hours,
is that when they get back home,
we won't be around to stop her
from murdering that poor sap.
So, what do we do?
We get serious.
We prove she's the
would-be killer
you believe her to be.
We stick by her husband
at all times...
And bust her before we dock.
"We?"
Yes, Alvirah.
We.
Jack and I made a no-work deal,
so we're gonna keep
this between us
while I reach out to my sources
for the skinny
on this Serena.
While they're doing
what they do,
I'll cozy up to her,
and try and uncover whatever
evidence we can use.
All right, what do I do?
What's my job?
To do what you're doing.
Keep your head in the game,
only with Casper close at hand.
That's all?
Don't undersell it.
By you staying active
in the mystery,
you can honor your obligation
to Mom and her fans
and keep Serena from
being alone with Casper
without alerting her.
Yes... you betcha.
Serena may not have wanted
to come on this trip,
but she saw this game
as an advantage,
a ready, convenient distraction
for her murderous plan.
The more comfortable she feels,
the more likely she
is to strike again.
We need her to try
to make a move now,
while we're here to stop her.
You know,
that map being in French
may be our best break yet.
Do you have any nines?
Two.
This game's not hard.
Queens?
Go fish.
So, the captain told me
there was quite a
commotion last night
with our wives, what?
That little dust-up? No.
Alvirah's Irish,
it comes naturally to her.
Dust-up?
I heard it was more
like a donnybrook.
Any fives?
Aw... go fish.
All I can say is,
if Serena had acted like that
before we got married,
I'd have insisted
on five dog years,
not five human years,
for our pre-nup.
Hah-hah!
I heard what you said
to that big mouth
husband of yours,
who told my Willy
that no matter who I hurt,
or how dirty I had to play,
I was out to win this
game at all costs!
I said no such thing.
So I'm supposed to believe
that Willy made up
your trashy talk?
You listen to me, missy,
you stay out of my way,
in this game, and on this trip!
You got it?
What a...
busybody!
And that's being kind!
Well, aren't you two doing well.
Thank you.
It's counterfeit, all right.
And it's good, too.
So, what, someone's been passing
these in the card room?
I'm afraid so.
And not to talk out of school,
but I kind of...
Well, I, bragged to the captain
that you were NYPD's head
of Major Crimes division...
And you said I'd look into it.
And I will.
But, look, can we,
keep this between us?
Regan and I sort of have a
no-work pact going, and...
Say no more.
When it comes to Regan,
well, I always say...
"Why borrow trouble?"
Exactly.
And a very good day to you, sir.
Same to you... Whoa.
Willy!
Where is Casper?
Relax, he's right there.
I haven't let him
out of my sight.
When the captain told me
that he released you two,
and I couldn't find you,
I've never run so
fast in my life,
and in this get-up...
Hey, Willy?
You ready?
I, We're gonna...
Go, go.
Listen.
Casper had a pre-nup
with the wife
that kept her out
of his millions...
Yeah, his millions, okay...
That just expired,
if you take my meaning.
I got it.
Go.
You know the type.
Their life isn't
all that exciting,
so to fill their empty
spaces, they have to...
Make your life miserable?
Been there, took care of that.
Really?
Believe you me.
Any woman who thinks
she can stick her nose
into my business,
is going down.
The hubby.
You know how needy they can be.
How are things on your end?
Good.
I'm just about to put
"Operation Casper" into motion.
All right, well,
the secret service
is usually pretty quick
at getting back to me,
so while we're waiting
for them to weigh in
on these counterfeit 20s,
let's take a look
at the card room's
security footage.
Really?
Yeah.
Psst!
Hey, let's say we
give 'em the slip
and see what we can do together?
Righto!
Come on.
See how the mauese
run for the kaese?
What mice and cheese?
Them!
We must choose who to follow.
I know who we must follow.
It is the dancing
hall girl, Alvirah!
- Alvirah?
- Ja.
Don't be silly.
Okay, if it isn't Alvirah,
then why has this stowaway,
who has barely played the game,
all of the sudden stuck
like glue to her?
He knows something!
That's why he's been
laying in wait.
Barely playing...
Like glue...
It's not Alvirah!
- Huh?
- No!
It's Casper!
What?
He's our murderer! After him!
This way, this way, Hans!
Honey...
That was a close one!
It was?
Sure! Why do you think
I pulled you in here?
I couldn't very well let you
fall into their clutches.
Into whose clutches?
Come here.
Move your feet. Go, Hans, go.
Go!
Those two.
They've been following
you two everywhere.
Yeah, that's right.
Somehow, they must have learned
that Alvirah and I found
Left Hook Louis' map,
and that there's
only one man onboard
who can interpret it.
Me?
Yes.
I have either Casper or Hans.
They're both equally likely.
What about me?
I'm not a suspect?
Unless you have an evil twin.
Considering you were
standing right beside me
when the murder went down?
Well then, how do you explain
the fact that you're
still the top suspect
on my list of femmes fatales?
A femme fatale?
Don't be silly.
What about Greta, you have her?
I do.
I also have Regan.
Regan is Nora's daughter.
What, do you think
that disqualifies her?
Not by itself, it's just...
Nora never pens the
obvious suspect.
Regan Reilly is the
only one playing
who's a real private eye,
one of the best in the business.
She's taken down some of
the nastiest bad guys
the world has to offer.
Nora would know
that casting her as the murderer
would be about playing
her against type,
which is pretty obvious.
I see that more as a misdirect.
I might, too,
if she wasn't also married
to a hotshot detective,
which makes her
even more obvious.
The main reason
I think Regan isn't our killer
is because her best
friend, Alvirah Meehan,
is the world's most
famous amateur sleuth
and Nora Reilly's biggest fan.
You're not suggesting
that it's Alvirah?
That's the big question mark.
Too obvious?
Too devious.
Because if Nora cast Alvirah
as the murderer,
then she made the most
obvious choice of all.
We have to go back to the board.
My French is un peu rouille...
But I believe
I can translate this.
However,
thrilling thought it is
to be part of your team,
I must admit I am a bit wary
of your sudden alliance.
Well, after staying
up all last night,
trying to decipher this map,
we knew that it was
partner or perish.
Pun intended.
You see, once we learned
that you were an
international diplomat,
we figured if anyone could
parlez-vous francais
and crack this...
It's you.
Well.
Crack it, I shall!
Excuse me.
Yeah. Jack Reilly.
What? No, no, no,
it's a perfect time.
Yeah, thanks for getting
back to me so quickly.
Huh.
Sure, sure.
Identity thief.
Stole a winner's
ticket, costume...
Well, sometimes, you get lucky.
Yeah, I know, right,
what are the odds?
All right, I'll email
you a current picture
so you know who to greet
when we dock in the A.M.
Okay, thanks for your help.
Willy...
Say hello to our counterfeiter
and our card cheat.
I don't trust men with hair.
You're the...
I really think we
should warn him.
About what?
That we suspect his wife's
trying to kill him?
The FBI's running the picture
I emailed them of her
through their next gen
identification system,
and whoever she is won't
be secret for long.
But if...
No. No, buts.
Without solid evidence,
Casper is just as likely
to hurry back to Serena
and tell her what the
crazy ladies said.
Then the only thing
that we can count on
is her waiting till
she gets back home
to kill him without
our interference.
Okay, if you look right here
at the cuff of his sleeve,
you'll see it.
All right, this is
what allows him
to make sure he
controls the game.
I'm such a sucker.
No, Willy, you're not.
This guy's a career con man.
He's hit one casino and
card room after another,
always assuming
another identity,
always playing the happy loser
while using counterfeit bills
as he builds up trust,
and then he cleans folks out.
Unless we stop him.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Only one way to find out.
It's the bloody
handprint, all right.
It's too small to be a man's
so our murderer is a woman.
Which eliminates Casper and Hans
and has me thinking
this just might be...
Eureka!
The mark for Left Hook
Louis' gold mine!
Now all I have to do
is track the longitude
and the latitude
and the bounty will be ours!
Cracking?
Cracking.
I take first watch,
don't argue why,
you'll take the second,
so he doesn't die.
And no getting out of the car,
if you get my meaning.
We stick with the
plan no matter what.
To dress for the
farewell dinner,
and we can't stop him.
But if we sense anything hinky,
we're going in to get him,
and we go in as a team.
Stay. First watch. Team.
Good.
Now go change.
And wear sensible shoes.
It could be a long night.
Remember what they told us
when we were kids, Greta,
it's not about whether
you win or lose,
but how you played the...
Look, don't say
it, Hans, please.
You know what a sore
loser I can be.
They find the pouch,
they find the knife.
They find everything.
And if I can't find the
clues in this chapter,
then I...
Very exciting.
I've got it!
So, what do you
think, Willy old boy,
you think you're ready
to do what I taught you?
That scallywag
is about to receive
his comeuppance,
compliments of the Jack Reilly
school of card palming.
Okay, we're on pins and needles.
Where's Left Hook
Louis' lost loot?
You are both going
to delight in this.
Left Hook Louis' mine
is a mere five miles
from where we're going
to dock tomorrow
at the end of the
mystery cruise,
so...
Though we have yet to
identify the killer,
as the lucky
caretakers of the map,
at least we've
uncovered the motive.
Gads!
Where has the day gone?
As I am past due
joining my dear Serena
for our farewell affair,
we will have to adjourn
for a brief intermission.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Okay, we've got 12 hours left
before we dock,
and Casper's beyond our
reach to protect him.
Now, you make sure he makes
it to his room in one piece
while I get changed and...
You call those sensible?
I call them
fashionably sensible.
Really?
Well done.
Thank you.
Okay, the more we've
talked about it,
the more we know
it can't be Greta.
Which means, despite all
the reasons we listed
why it shouldn't be them,
it leaves us with...
Regan...
Or Alvirah.
But which one?
I don't think it's a good idea.
You grab it.
No, you grab it!
But I said it first.
You volunteered me first.
Same thing.
Read 'em and weep, boys.
What? Don't go away.
What, don't you want a chance
to win your money back?
Forgive me for
interrupting, sir,
but I think you've
inadvertently taken my seat.
Why, Willy, what
a nice surprise.
I thought you said you'd
lost your last hand?
Once again, sir,
you're in my seat.
You're welcome to it.
"I take first watch,
don't argue why,
you'll take second,
so he doesn't die."
Stay. First watch. Team.
Aw...
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do?
What do I have?
Casper?
Casper?
Casper?
Casper? Ooh!
Casper!
Are you okay?
How nice of you to drop in.
Alvirah!
Hello?
Hello?
It's time to go!
Hey.
It's you.
Stay back.
You don't want to catch this,
it's a killer.
It's a shame you're
feeling so punk.
You know, I ran into Casper
this afternoon,
and we made plans for us
all to grab a cocktail
before dinner.
Well, Caspy already left.
Funny,
he never mentioned
meeting for drinks.
Well, don't let me
spoil your fun.
Have a lovely evening.
Caspy, dear,
I'm so sorry if
you're uncomfortable.
I'd hoped to kill you
like all my other husbands,
suddenly and without warning.
That was before Miss
Noseypants interfered.
Making it impossible
for me to cash in
as the grieving widow.
Your discomfort doesn't
bother me one bit.
You and that lying Regan Reilly.
Nothing would please me more
than throwing you two overboard,
but, sadly,
my survival must take precedent
over such instant gratification.
Stop complaining.
I wasted five years of my
life on this marriage.
At my age, do you think
five years grows on a tree?
Well, of course, I'm going
to get away with it, silly.
I always do.
Why, by the time your
partner finds you,
I will be row, row...
Rowing my boat
Far, far, away
Escaping now, escaping now
To kill another day...
Go, go!
I'm moving my feet!
Not fast enough!
So, do you have any children?
Yeah, two.
Both in college.
One on the east coast
and one out west.
You have a beautiful family.
Thanks.
We see each other every
summer and all the holidays,
that is when they're not skiing
or traveling, or with friends.
When they're this age,
you don't see them half as
often as you'd like to.
Would you care to dance?
There's... no music.
I know.
That way, I don't have to worry
about staying on the beat.
Yeah.
Madame.
Monsieur.
Aren't you a little...
Under-dressed?
Have you seen Alvirah?
No. Why? What's wrong?
Nothing.
Regan.
No, nothing, really. I
just need her to...
Look, if you see Alvirah,
tell her I said to stay put.
Now, do you really want to
open that box, Pandora?
But I smell...
Trouble.
What else is new?
Look on the bright side,
with that pair up to...
whatever,
you'll probably have the
plot for your next book
by the end of the night.
Alvirah!
Alvirah, are you in there?
And I'll, raise a hundred.
Not with these.
Well, Oliver, in or out?
I'm in.
I'll see your hundred and call.
Two pairs, queen high.
Two pairs king high.
Well, that's it for me.
Would you pass those cards over?
My pleasure.
Just bust it.
- Bust it open.
- No!
It's bad enough
that we stole it.
Borrowed.
Shame, Greta!
Hans!
Detected, Greta.
Back. We must take this
back to the captain
before we suffer further shame!
Regan!
Okay, come here.
Hurry up, she's getting away!
She's stealing a lifeboat!
Go! Get out!
Okay, here. Okay, okay!
Get out!
- Be careful.
- Ooh!!
That didn't touch you.
I can't find my satchel.
But doesn't it have the...
Sets for chapter 21.
Yes.
I thought I had it with me.
Nora, you don't think...
Someone would actually cheat
to learn who the mystery
game murderer is?
I know I had it in the salon.
That's where I've been storing
all the chapters for you.
Well then, that's
where we should look.
I hope there's no trouble.
You're right.
It's gotta be...
Her, I know.
But why rush it?
Don't you think we should?
No. Yes. No.
Me too.
We could always
pick this up later.
We could.
Right where we left off.
Or better yet...
Find out where this
might take us?
- On...
- One...
- Two...
- Three...
Nora was just here.
Well, you know what that means.
Exactly.
If we can't find Nora...
We have to do our
accusing face-to-face.
I'll call that
and raise you...
10,000.
Well, I think this would
cover your 10 large.
Four lucky sevens for the win.
Ollie...
I know you'll correct
me if I'm wrong,
but in poker, nothing
beats a royal flush.
You're a cheater.
It takes one to know one.
What's really gonna
sting is, I'm a cop,
and you're under arrest.
It's not here either.
I'm so sorry.
Well, let's not jump
to conclusions.
Captain, perhaps you...
Hold on, what do we have here?
We formally accuse the
dance hall girl...
of murder!
- Look what we found!
- Look what I've stolen!
Look at this!
I'm suspicious about this money.
Quiet!
Quiet!
My wife,
she's a murderer.
So that means Alvirah was right.
So Regan must...
Watch him.
Regan, I'm coming!
Serena!
Get away from her!
Here! Grab hold!
Let me help you!
No.
I can't, I'll fall!
Don't be a fool, Mona,
don't be a fool.
Or is it Lola?
It's Ethel.
Well, Ethel,
if the propellers don't get you,
the freezing water will.
Now let me help you!
Police!
Shut it down.
What did I tell you?
Fashionable and...
Sensible.
Hey, what are you doing up here?
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I'm sorry, Regan.
What are you talking about?
I did it again.
I didn't wait in the car.
Or should I say "storage room."
Alvirah..
No, I almost got you killed.
You saved my life.
No...
I did what I always do,
and that's getting
lucky because of you.
You were right.
I have no business being...
In your business.
No.
No, I was wrong.
And I'm the one who
needs to apologize.
Me telling you to
ignore your gift,
and that's what you have,
a gift for spotting trouble
even before it happens.
All I know is,
thank goodness you
got out of that car.
Look, we dodged a real...
Black widow.
I mean, the way I see it,
it would be a crime
not to open up
a detective agency together.
Partner.
So?
Isn't it every bit as fabu
as I promised it would be?
Every bit.
Come on, Regan, be a big girl
and admit how much you like it.
It's beyond "fabu."
Tallulah liked it so much
we almost decided to use it for
her and her poochy friends
for their playdates.
Didn't we, sweetie?
Anyway,
we're just thrilled
that you love your new space
for the Meehan & Reilly
Detective Agency.
The Reilly & Meehan Agency.
Not according to your door.
Anyway,
I've been uptown and down,
making sure that anyone
involved with anything
they're desperate to
keep off page six
comes to see you at your
one-stop crime shop!
Yes, it is, Lulu.
It is time for our
afternoon nappy.
Goodbye!
Thanks, Cass.
Meehan & Reilly
Detective Agency,
this is Alvirah Meehan.
How can we help you?
My goodness. Go on.
I'm listening.
I'll have you back home
to mama by nap-time.
Run, run, as fast as you can,
you can't catch me,
I'm Alvirah Meehan!
Well, outrun this, lady!
Regan!
I know, she's pushing her luck.
Jack, unless you wanna tell her.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Chicken.
Thanks for sending a car
to pick the creep up.
I'll see you tonight.
Look at you.
Cass, relax. Look, she's fine.
No, Alvirah.
She's perfect.
Say thank you, Tallulah.
Thank you, Alvirah,
for saving me.
You and your partner, Regan,
you're the best private
eyes in all of Manhattan.
It's nothing.
Kidnapping, dognapping,
it's all in a day's work.
Right, Regan?
Well, there are just no words.
I don't know what Lulu and I
would have done...
Yes, isn't she helpful?
Well, I know we settled
on 20, Alvirah,
but seeing I was prepared
to pay a million-dollar
ransom...
50 grand for a dog?
And precious member
of her family.
That's very generous, Cass.
Made out to the Meehan & Reilly.
Detective Agency
as directed.
There is no 'Meehan and
Reilly Detective Agency.'
- We have a bank account.
- We do?
How else would we
cash the check?
I also ordered the
matching stationery.
Say the word,
and I will make this new
crime shop of yours
the talk of the town.
I have a lead on a smashing
pocket listing for you uptown.
Don't dawdle.
I'm going to take care
of some business.
No. No, no, no, no, you don't.
We have to discuss
this, Alvirah.
But Cass said!
I know what she said.
But just because we've solved
a couple of cases together
doesn't mean that we
should become partners.
What, even if we call it
the 'Reilly and Meehan
Detective Agency?'
Even then. It's too dangerous.
But we did good today.
We got lucky today.
What happened to
stick with the plan?
Your cross-my-heart promise
to wait in the car?
Willy got hungry.
I sent him to get a quick nosh,
and that's when I spotted
our dog-napper.
He had Lulu, and she
was right there.
I'm sorry, Alvirah...
Come on!
But the way that you operate,
leaping before you look,
sooner or later
I'm gonna get to you
two seconds too late,
and you're gonna get dead.
But you're never late,
and that's what makes
us so good together!
Admit it, we were destined
to be partners in crime,
ever since Willy's toothache
and your dad's dental
phobia brought us together,
which, need I remind you,
led to us both saving
your kidnapped father.
No, you needn't remind me.
But that was a fluke,
and no reason to think about
opening a P.I. agency.
I've got $50,000 reasons
that say otherwise.
And I'm happy to take
my half of the reward,
but then you've got
to promise me,
matching stationery or not,
you'll close that account.
Look...
Having good instincts
for spotting trouble
doesn't mean that you're
prepared to handle it.
Just once, I'd like to spend
our time together as friends,
instead of...
Pretend private eyes.
We do lots of things as friends!
Like that boat cruise
we're taking next week
to celebrate your
mom's new book.
You and me,
playing 1870s dress-up
crime-busters,
that is pure fun!
And I'm holding you to it.
I promised Jack
this murder mystery boat cruise
was all play, all the time...
And that goes double for you.
We'll be partners
yet, Regan Reilly,
just you wait and see.
On behalf
of my beautiful
wife, Nora Reilly,
it is my honor to welcome
you lucky winners
for a three-day cruise
around the magnificent
San Juan islands,
aboard the luxury yacht,
"The Taconite"
where you will celebrate,
and also play a part in,
Nora's latest masterpiece
of mayhem and murder,
"The Mystery Cruise."
You know, when I
look at all of you
in your mystery game
costumes, it's...
It's truly a dream come true!
We're going to be departing
in just a few minutes,
so whenever you're ready,
please come on aboard
"The Taconite"!
This is Ivy Pickling,
she's playing the reporter.
Thanks for joining us, Ivy!
We look forward to
your inside scoops.
Of course. Thank you.
Here's your detective.
A widower, name's Ted Cannon.
- You must be Ted?
- Yeah.
I'll bet nothing gets past you.
It's an honor.
This could only be
Hans and Greta Dietz,
your tourists from abroad.
Mr. and Mrs. Dietz!
All the way from Switzerland!
Willkommen.
Thank you.
Thank you so much
for picking me.
This is the thrill
of a lifetime!
And he is?
I'm, well, I'm not really sure.
But maybe the banker?
Seaman York reporting for duty,
A.K.A. "Stowaway."
First name, Casper.
And my dear wife, Serena.
"Society belle" and all
around good sport.
I know you!
Mayfair Books, London, right?
Guilty as charged.
I was at your signing last year,
but nothing can top this.
By all means, sneak onboard!
Aw...
Willy, welcome.
Hi.
One of you is
gorgeous, by the way.
Do you know any place on
the ship where you can...
I certainly do.
The card games is on
the poop deck, Willy.
That's Willy "Maverick" Meehan,
breaker of hearts and
winner at cards.
But you knew that.
If Regan should happen to ask...
Card room's the last
place you'll be.
See, I knew there was
an extra-special reason I
loved being your son-in-law.
The schoolteacher, Mom? Really?
And yet she's the
'dance hall girl'?
Hey, you're not
Nora's biggest fan.
Well, she's got
you there, kiddo.
Shall we?
But doesn't 'number one
kid' count for anything?
Huh?
Pops...
The players in and
out of the game
are listed here,
and the clues to be uncovered
are noted there.
And these add up
to what exactly?
Why, the intricacies
of Nora's game.
It's ingeniously
elegant, actually.
Each day, we'll receive
a new set of chapters
chock full of leads,
while the final chapter,
which reveals the
murderer's true identity
will be held back until
our journey's end.
As we all learned in
chapters one through five,
which we received with our
tickets and invitations,
tonight, one of us
will be murdered,
and the first among us
to uncover their motive
and expose the killer
will take home the grand prize,
unless, of course,
they accuse the wrong
player of murder,
in which case,
They are out of the game.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Can you imagine it, Greta?
Having the entire Nora
Reilly collection,
all autographed first editions.
Ja.
Would it not be wonderful?
No matter what,
Hans, we must win!
Ja.
First time at sea?
Um... how'd you know?
That's how I make my living.
Of course, you're
playing the detective.
I've never done one of
these things before.
Role-playing and all.
Yeah, me neither.
It's Alvirah Meehan!
A simple cleaning
lady from Queens.
After winning $40 million
in the lottery...
became a part-time
reporter for "The Globe,"
thanks to her ability
to uncover crime
wherever she goes...
Her most popular stories
detailing the adventures
of her favorite
street-smart private eye...
Regan Reilly!
The P.I. whose mother
is a mystery writer...
and a father who owns
funeral homes...
who is often quoted as saying...
"When dinner talk
in the family home"
is about murder and mayhem...
"what else are you going
to be when you grow up?"
And who else would you marry
but crack NYPD
detective Jack Reilly.
No relation, mind you.
And we're all in the
same murder mystery!
That's some get-up
you're flouncing about
in there, missy.
I hope it doesn't offend
your school teacher
sensibilities.
I'm planning on doing
the cancan in it later.
I'll be sure to book
a ringside seat.
You do that.
I can't seem to find
a certain gambler,
and I don't mean Willy.
And right where I
knew I'd find you.
"My soul is full of longing
for the secret of the sea..."
"And the heart of
the great ocean..."
"Though nothing fills this heart
like the passion I
have for thee."
Okay, Longfellow,
time for the gambler
to go to work.
Go? I'm just getting warmed up.
Luke...
Yes, darling?
You are incorrigible.
Well, now, it appears
I have lost my way.
Pardon me, you wouldn't
happen by any chance
to know where a gambling
man could find a card game
around here?
Caspy! Sorry, he's a bit tipsy.
Darling, mind your step.
How about you two?
Good evening.
Schnell! Liebling!
If at first you don't succeed...
Yeah, again. With gusto.
Come on, folks, don't be coy.
How can I interest you
in a game of chance?
You can't win if you don't play!
"Pickling" like "pickle,"
but drop the "E" and an "I-N-G."
It was nice to meet
you, Miss Pickle-ling.
The pleasure's all mine.
No need to thank me, ma'am.
As an old Navy corpsman,
I am fully qualified
to play your doctor.
Excellent.
So this is what
heaven looks like.
Tell me about it.
Crispy, greasy...
And the food's good, too.
All right, all right, I
hate to interrupt you two,
but are we playing
poker here or what?
Take it easy, skinny.
I raise you $20.
Hoo! Too rich for me.
All right, I'll see
your 20 to call.
Two pair, 10 high.
That's a great-looking hand.
It's a shame it has
to lose to me.
I'm not gloating.
It's a full house.
And a pleasure doing
business with you.
Stand back.
Isn't this view
every bit as inviting
as I said it would be?
As beautiful as
my bride, Serena.
Bride?
That was five years ago.
Every day's a honeymoon
with you, Love!
Happy anniversary.
More champagne, darling?
I rather think I've had enough.
No, there's no such thing
as too much bubbly.
To happiness
and long life.
Stop!
Where is it, you dirty
double-crosser?
I swear, I don't have it.
But I know you
do, you lying rat.
But you made one fatal mistake,
and that was to leave the man
whose murder you framed me for
alive!
That's impossible!
I shot him.
Three times in the back.
But with his dying breath,
"Left Hook" Louis begged
me to avenge him,
and I am here to do just that.
Now, where is the map to Left
Hook Louis' lost gold mine?
I don't know.
If I knew where it was,
I'd tell you, honest.
Honest?
You wouldn't know honest
if you married it!
Now, you step back!
Whoa!
Let go!
What?
You're supposed to let go.
Yeah! Sorry.
It tickles.
Luke... Stop it.
Look.
Look.
Isn't the moon lovely tonight?
Ouch.
"Ouch?"
Come on, you're killing me here.
I'm trying to murder you.
Okay, fine.
Serena? Serena? What is it?
It's nothing, Caspy.
Good lord!
The game's afoot and
we're missing it!
Come on.
I guess this makes the
gambler our victim.
Indeed.
Cross him off...
Gang way, gang way.
Excuse me.
This man is dead.
Stabbed in the heart.
And the murder weapon
appears to be missing.
Caspy, forgive me,
but I've had all the excitement
I can take for one day.
Go play some cards,
enjoy yourself.
I'm going to catch up
on my beauty rest.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Aw.
I was good, wasn't I?
Fantastic.
Marvelous, marvelous.
Um, I say,
did you ever stumble upon that
aforementioned card game?
No, but that is an
excellent idea.
Darling, would you mind if I...
Go on, enjoy your poker game.
Thank you.
This way.
You're sure off to a
great start, Mom.
The mystery is a total blast.
Really?
Absolutely.
I especially loved the way
that dad got into his part.
He was cute, wasn't he?
And you make a sensational
dance hall girl.
What?
Thank you, Nora.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have things to
prepare for tomorrow.
I'll see both of you
bright and early.
Bye.
Okay, Alvirah, what's up?
Nothing's up.
I can almost hear
those wheels grinding
in that busybody brain of yours.
There is nothing up.
Just, I should have
eaten something
at the mixer.
Now I got a headache, and...
As if you didn't know,
a murder to solve.
And since you must have
lessons to prepare
for your new schoolroom,
I bid you adieu.
But I could use a bite, too,
and seeing the galley is
open round the clock,
my dear dance hall girl,
why not join me for a snack
before I bid you adieu
to solve this mystery?
Perfect.
What do you mean
"where was I when the
gambler was murdered?"
I don't see that as
any of your concern,
unless of course you're
formally accusing me...
Not at all.
I just happened to notice
that you were late
to the party.
Which to me, would indicate
that you were there
conveniently early.
Which is when we need
to wake up tomorrow,
so if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna call it a night.
Yeah, me too.
You want the last bite?
Nah, kill it.
They're splitting up.
I can see that.
Of course you can.
What I mean is, are
they splitting up
because they know
we're tailing them
and are forcing us
to make a choice,
or are they splitting
to throw each other off
their own tails, or both?
We could split up to follow 'em.
I'm thinking let's
stick with Regan,
and not because I think
she's the killer,
but because she's a pro
and has the skills
to crack this case,
while Alvirah,
though also skilled,
relies more on luck,
and seems too obvious a
choice to have that part.
I like it.
Wait.
I guess we debated a...
A little too long?
Well...
Pick this up in the morning?
Yeah, that... That sounds good.
Good night.
Good night.
I can't believe the joy
of tooting the horn
came at such a cost.
To miss the murder.
Yeah, but who could
know these things?
I should have known, Hans.
Me!
So, my sweet Alvirah
plays the lottery
like it's a calling,
and there's me, a
poor plumber...
A great plumber,
but a poor one...
Happy to have three
nickels to rub together,
and she's out there
spending two of 'em,
rain or shine, on
a sucker's game,
which, of course I
complain about,
until she wins the big jackpot.
Okay, she hits everything
she ever wanted,
which, of course,
she never lets me forget about.
Well,
seeing as you've experienced
the windfall of good fortune,
perhaps this won't
sting quite so much.
Aces over. Appears to win again?
It seems that one can
be lucky in love
and lucky in cards?
For you maybe.
Me, I'm done with
the cards part.
I, too, am past my
quota for punishment.
What do you say we make things
a little more interesting
and maybe, double the odds
for the next few hands?
I'm all played out.
As am I.
Whoa.
You okay there?
I'm afraid the excitement
of the evening
has rather taken its toll.
Well,
seeing as I have no
one left to deal to,
why don't you let
me give you a hand
back to your cabin?
Bless you.
You're most kind.
You sure you can handle this?
Of course.
Besides, I think those eclairs
have your name written
all over them.
I thought they did...
Okay, we'll see you tomorrow.
Come on, let's get you to bed.
Well, maybe just one.
These look pretty good.
Hey...
What are you doing out here?
Just hoping you'd show up.
Is that so?
Well, you got me.
What?
What aren't you telling me?
Okay, look, don't even think
about rubbing it in...
Ho...
But, well,
being out here on the water,
so quiet and relaxing,
just you, me and
the night sky...
It has its pluses.
So all that
complaining that you did
before we left home,
and I quote, "do we have
to go on this cruise"
with a bunch of nuts
"playing dressed-up
crime-busters?"
And how I had to remind you
that you were married to one
of those nuts, and now...
Now you have the nerve...
Okay, yes, yes, I admit
it, I like the boat.
But more important, I love
the joy that you being here
brings to your mother.
Well, you keep talking like that, Mr.
Reilly,
and you just might get
to walk this teacher home
from school tonight.
Really?
I like the sound of that.
No, no, do come in!
Serena, darling!
Allow me to introduce
the kind gent
who...
Serena?
Serena?
Serena?
It appears that my dear wife
has stepped out for her
evening constitutional.
Well, I look forward to meeting
her another time, then.
Indeed. Yes.
- Good night.
- Good night,
and thank you so much again.
My pleasure.
A piece of champagne bottle
I now fear indicates
that while I was in
the act of committing
my pretend murder...
- Let go!
- What?
You're supposed to let go!
Underfoot overhead.
Of course, it took me
a moment to realize
what I think I saw...
As the shattering glass
grabbed my attention.
However, as the dance hall girl,
I had to take the
gambler's wallet,
which held "Left
Hook" Louie's map,
and then quickly exit the
scene of the crime...
as I had to hide the knife
before anyone spotted me.
But once I gathered
my thoughts...
I just knew that Serena
had to be in the act...
of hitting her husband
with the champagne bottle
and pushing him overboard...
when Luke's...
dying scream threw
her off her game,
causing her to drop the
bottle and cut her finger...
evidenced by the bloody glove
I witnessed later
in the salon...
leaving me in a quandary,
as with no hard proof,
it's only speculation.
Caspy...
Forgive me,
but I've had all the excitement
I can take for one day.
And if I dared to share my
suspicions with anyone,
especially Regan,
I run the risk of ruining
Nora's mystery game
on nothing more than
a half-baked hunch.
And to do that
after she trusted me
with the honored role
of the murderer,
and Regan insisted on us
just being friends
on this trip...
You ate too much, didn't you?
Yes. Maybe a little.
A little?
Well, let's see.
We have fried shrimp...
Well, fried shrimp is fried.
Fried oysters, French fries,
cocktail sauce,
and eclairs...
I'm guessing a dozen.
Good guess.
Go.
I will fix you a bicarbonate.
With all due respect...
I was only asking
if they might be...
Misplaced, so you said.
And I can assure you
that I gave my cabin
a very thorough search,
as my missing cufflinks
hand-engraved 24 karat gold
were a treasured gift
from my sainted mum.
"The Taconite" has a very
sterling reputation.
One, I'm afraid to say,
that is clearly in danger
of being tarnished.
For this misunderstanding,
any loses anyone might
incur are fully insured.
Caspy, your tea.
So,
this rogue skips
free to Nick again?
No one is suggesting that.
Darling,
it's going to get cold.
Well...
- I should hope not.
- Agreed.
I only feel that...
Only! There can be no "only."
My good sir,
never forget
that we are Nora Reilly's
most loyal readership.
Why, we would revel
in the challenge
of bagging this filcher!
Caspy...
You know how you get
without your morning pick-me-up.
Yes, yes, thank you, darling.
Of course, of course.
And this thievery, if
that's what it is,
is certainly troubling.
"Troubling?"
No.
Right is right,
and wrong is wrong,
and this wrong!
Seriously?
Seriously!
What?
Serena, darling, it's
just a cup of tea.
I couldn't help it, Alvirah.
You know I've got a mouth on me.
Yes, and you were "only eatin'"
as the cards were
fallin' again' ya."
I know my limit.
You might, but this
"Maverick" character?
Him I'm not so sure about.
So, how many times
do you have to check
on this knife
you stashed, anyway?
All right...
There you are.
Thank you.
Thanks.
And who else do we have?
Yes.
And Alvirah's not the
first in line...
Okay, I wondered how
long it would take
before you got hooked into this.
What are you talking about?
I'm just making an observation.
Sure, sure.
Come on, come clean,
you know you want in.
I'm only playing
to keep Mom happy.
Yeah.
But you know you want to win.
I don't care about winning.
Honey.
Okay, I'd hate
losing to Alvirah.
- What, so you think that she...
- Is the murderer?
No.
Mom would never make such
a cut-and-dried choice.
Unless you consider that
Alvirah, in that role,
provides the perfect cover.
Just saying.
And you really think I
wouldn't notice, Alvirah?
You've had the happy gait
of a Nora Reilly murderess
ever since you got the costume
and the travel packet.
And you know what?
That's the way it should be.
The truth is, nothing
makes me happier
than seeing you get this
much joy out of it.
Really, Willy?
Even if I keep you up
all night reading?
Well, that I hate, but...
No, even then.
Anyhoo, do you think
Serena really was going
to bump off her husband
with that champagne bottle?
No, that was just
to knock him out.
Sure, sure, and
then over he goes.
You know what,
you're really good at
this stuff, Alvirah.
Then why am I stuck
on what to do?
Why can't I just
trust my intuition?
Because Nora gave
you a plum part,
and even if there's no
real trouble afoot,
you'll mess things
up for no reason.
Not that you asked,
but sometimes, it's best
for you to just stick to being
in one murder mystery at a time.
Sometimes, you're pretty smart.
As you are beguiling, dear lady.
Brother.
Go! Go play.
And don't forget,
don't be late tonight for
our date tonight to the...
where all are welcome to dine
and dance the night away!
Until then,
happy reading and
happy sleuthing!
Did you see, in chapter 12?
I know,
we've got to find Left Hook
Louie's missing pouch.
Hans. Hans!
They have already
deciphered the next clue.
We must beat them to the beutel.
Ja, but I haven't
had my strudel.
Strudel?
I'll make you the best strudel
when we win.
Now, let's go. Let's go!
Well, sweetheart,
I'm off to take my
post-breakfast nap,
which will soon be followed
by my after-lunch nap.
That's fine, dear,
but sometime today, when
your eyes are open,
please speak with the captain.
So you are worried about this?
If it becomes a
distraction, yes.
For the game to work,
players have to suspend
their disbelief.
A real crime spree will
unravel everything.
You know, busting bad
guys is what we do.
No, no, no, you're on vacation,
and I have years of
hand-holding to draw on.
And I have a mystery
to attend to.
I'll see you two tonight.
So, school's back in session?
You don't mind, do you?
No, no, I'm good, teach.
I think I'll just grab
one of those naps
your daddy's hoarding.
Bye.
Go ahead, ask me anything.
I have nothing to hide.
Other than this?
I did not hide that knife.
You sure knew where
to look for it.
I had a hunch where it might be.
Didn't see any reason
to clue you in.
Unless you put it there
and this is one big smokescreen?
Are you accusing me?
Why, are you accusing me?
Good.
Then I suggest we put the
knife back where we found it,
and see who might
turn up to claim it.
Works for me.
Partner.
Is that "Left Hook"
Louis' pouch was found.
They don't know it was by us
and they don't
know what's in it.
Now, that's an advantage
we're going to lose
when the next chapter comes out.
Bingo.
And as it was filed
with gold nuggets,
it follows Nora's habit...
incorporating
non-fictional events
into her fabulous
works of fiction.
Bingo again.
Nora knows
and expects us to do a
little digging to know
that boats often
ferried gold miners
up and down the west coast,
including the San Juan islands.
As Louis was a miner,
we need to deduce how
he and the gambler
were connected
if we hope to I.D. whoever
killed the gambler,
and for the win,
find what could only be a map
that the gambler must
have stolen from Louis,
leading us to Louis' mine.
That's a triple bingo.
Yeah.
Feels so delicious
to be out of that itchy costume.
And thanks to a very bad guess
who the killer is,
finally out of that silly game.
Not much of a Nora Reilly fan?
No, I'm only here for the hubby.
He's playing the stowaway?
Something like that.
Frankly, I find the whole
mystery genre a bore.
Well, I think it was great
the way he stood up to the
captain this morning.
Seems like a good man.
Isn't he, though?
Still, one would think
a career diplomat
and married to me
would have found
Vienna, Paris, or Rome
more apropos
for celebrating one's fifth
wedding anniversary.
It was Ivy.
She found the pouch.
You're off to a great start.
I'll take four, please.
And one for me.
Check.
That finishes me. Bet's to you.
Well...
I shall raise you five large.
And I shall...
See that five large
and call you.
Well...
Three lovely ladies.
Well, gents, now you know
what four dancing
dandies look like!
And this, gentlemen, is
what retreat looks like
whilst one still
has one's shirt.
Right behind you.
You're not quitting, too,
are you, Willy?
You're on a winning streak.
The cards love you!
Well, I promised Alvirah I...
would be on time.
Although I guess I could
play a couple more hands.
Now you're talking.
All right...
"The Taconite" sure is a beauty.
Yes, I like to think of her
as a floating museum.
She is all that and more.
Why, thank you.
Please, don't wait anymore.
Go ahead, eat.
He'll get here.
I am officially grounding
Willy when we get home.
You can do that?
Okay, you know what,
I'll go round him up.
That way, we can all have a
nice quiet, relaxing evening.
Thank you.
Yeah.
It's not like you don't
have him well trained, too.
Caspy, you're wasting hot water.
I'm so enjoying Nora's book,
I hate to tear myself away.
Honey...
We're running late for dinner.
I'm sorry, Alvirah,
really, I am.
Not half as sorry
as you're gonna be
when she's standing here.
Here, let me help
you with your tie.
I messed up, Jack.
Oliver really played me.
I lost way more than I planned.
Worse than Alvirah will forgive.
The crook even took my watch.
What, you're
positive he cheated?
This isn't you having
losers' remorse?
I know he did, I
just don't know how.
Okay, but, look,
we gotta put a pin in
this for now, all right?
I'll run this Oliver first
thing in the morning.
Blimey!
Your husband was lucky to
have only grazed his head,
but as he did suffer
a mild concussion,
and you can never
be too careful,
it's best he rest
here overnight.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
I can't tell you what it means
to get this off my chest.
I'm happy to help.
But with social media,
all it takes is one report
of something being stolen,
and there goes your
4-star rating.
And if this gets out,
then I'm really sunk.
Well, I've got to get
back to the bridge.
Thanks for looking
into this for me.
I'm not going to find
these showing up for sale
online, am I?
Not that you would do that.
It reminds me of Nora's book.
"The slip and fall killer!"
Exactly!
First thing that
came to my mind.
Yeah, me too. I guess we have...
murder on our mind?
Only in this case,
thank goodness,
the poor man isn't, you know...
But when you add up
the bar of soap,
a couple on vacation,
the similarities
to the book are...
Eerily coincidental.
Excuse me.
I need to talk to you.
Sure, I just want
to grab a nosh.
Talk now, nosh later.
Come on.
All right, you got me.
Thank you, Willy.
I'm afraid that my
intuition was right.
Do you, like to dance?
I'm not sure I remember how.
My wife was the one who could
always get me out there
on the dance floor,
no matter how big of a
fool I made of myself.
So, you're married?
Widowed.
You?
Never found the right guy.
Some night, huh?
Quite a day, too.
Yup.
A lovely affair.
Lovely.
Admit I'm the mystery
cruise murderer...
tell her I'm the mystery
cruise murderer.
And share my hunch about
Serena with Regan.
What she's not telling me.
I wouldn't ruin our vacation,
so I'd better not.
So, you two are still out here,
waiting for someone to
come for that knife?
Regan, I'm going to bed.
Alvirah...
Willy ate more than
his eyes could hold.
Enough to land in the infirmary.
And, no. No, I did
not lecture him.
Right now he's more
afraid of seeing you
than anything I
could possibly say.
And that is my report.
Good night, ladies.
Good night.
Good night.
My leg's asleep.
Okay.
Watch your head.
What are you doing!?
I'm making my husband
comfortable,
not that it's any
of your concern.
That's not what it
looks like to me!
Who do you think you are?
Help!
This man needs help!
What's going on here?
That's what I'd like to know!
Please, make sure
he's breathing.
I gave him something to rest,
and he's fine.
Well, I'm certainly not fine.
I'm warning you, captain,
you keep this crazy woman
away from my husband.
Honey...
Regan!
Regan!
Honey... Honey, the door.
What?
Someone's at the door.
Coming, coming, coming,
coming, coming...
Regan!
It's for you.
What?
It's for you.
This is the map I got
off the gambler.
It shows the secret location
of Left Hook Louis'
lost gold mine.
Pretty cool, huh?
Of course, Nora being Nora,
it's in French.
Well, if you pulled me out
of bed to translate this,
you're out of luck.
No.
Not exactly.
I got you up to tell you
that, one,
I am the murderer in your
mother's mystery game,
and two,
and yes,
I am crossing-my-heart
and promising...
That I wouldn't say
this if I wasn't sure.
We've got a real
murderer on this boat.
What?
And then,
when I went to check on Willy,
who was under order
to stick by Casper
until I relieve him,
I caught Serena trying
to suffocate Casper
with a pillow!
An almost perfect murder,
as his death would
likely be dismissed
as the tragic result
of his concussion!
Okay, okay, okay, hold up.
Because what you don't know is
how I noticed how
off you were acting
at the crime scene of
the murdered gambler...
I wanted to tell you then!
But you didn't want
to spoil the game.
- Which I totally...
- Exactly.
And Serena?
When you add in how she
went off at breakfast
over that cup of tea...
Making me wonder what was in it.
Not to mention how flippant she
was about her anniversary?
Not nice.
Not nice.
But what's most disturbing...
Is if she really
wants Casper dead,
and we can't prove it
in the next 24 hours,
is that when they get back home,
we won't be around to stop her
from murdering that poor sap.
So, what do we do?
We get serious.
We prove she's the
would-be killer
you believe her to be.
We stick by her husband
at all times...
And bust her before we dock.
"We?"
Yes, Alvirah.
We.
Jack and I made a no-work deal,
so we're gonna keep
this between us
while I reach out to my sources
for the skinny
on this Serena.
While they're doing
what they do,
I'll cozy up to her,
and try and uncover whatever
evidence we can use.
All right, what do I do?
What's my job?
To do what you're doing.
Keep your head in the game,
only with Casper close at hand.
That's all?
Don't undersell it.
By you staying active
in the mystery,
you can honor your obligation
to Mom and her fans
and keep Serena from
being alone with Casper
without alerting her.
Yes... you betcha.
Serena may not have wanted
to come on this trip,
but she saw this game
as an advantage,
a ready, convenient distraction
for her murderous plan.
The more comfortable she feels,
the more likely she
is to strike again.
We need her to try
to make a move now,
while we're here to stop her.
You know,
that map being in French
may be our best break yet.
Do you have any nines?
Two.
This game's not hard.
Queens?
Go fish.
So, the captain told me
there was quite a
commotion last night
with our wives, what?
That little dust-up? No.
Alvirah's Irish,
it comes naturally to her.
Dust-up?
I heard it was more
like a donnybrook.
Any fives?
Aw... go fish.
All I can say is,
if Serena had acted like that
before we got married,
I'd have insisted
on five dog years,
not five human years,
for our pre-nup.
Hah-hah!
I heard what you said
to that big mouth
husband of yours,
who told my Willy
that no matter who I hurt,
or how dirty I had to play,
I was out to win this
game at all costs!
I said no such thing.
So I'm supposed to believe
that Willy made up
your trashy talk?
You listen to me, missy,
you stay out of my way,
in this game, and on this trip!
You got it?
What a...
busybody!
And that's being kind!
Well, aren't you two doing well.
Thank you.
It's counterfeit, all right.
And it's good, too.
So, what, someone's been passing
these in the card room?
I'm afraid so.
And not to talk out of school,
but I kind of...
Well, I, bragged to the captain
that you were NYPD's head
of Major Crimes division...
And you said I'd look into it.
And I will.
But, look, can we,
keep this between us?
Regan and I sort of have a
no-work pact going, and...
Say no more.
When it comes to Regan,
well, I always say...
"Why borrow trouble?"
Exactly.
And a very good day to you, sir.
Same to you... Whoa.
Willy!
Where is Casper?
Relax, he's right there.
I haven't let him
out of my sight.
When the captain told me
that he released you two,
and I couldn't find you,
I've never run so
fast in my life,
and in this get-up...
Hey, Willy?
You ready?
I, We're gonna...
Go, go.
Listen.
Casper had a pre-nup
with the wife
that kept her out
of his millions...
Yeah, his millions, okay...
That just expired,
if you take my meaning.
I got it.
Go.
You know the type.
Their life isn't
all that exciting,
so to fill their empty
spaces, they have to...
Make your life miserable?
Been there, took care of that.
Really?
Believe you me.
Any woman who thinks
she can stick her nose
into my business,
is going down.
The hubby.
You know how needy they can be.
How are things on your end?
Good.
I'm just about to put
"Operation Casper" into motion.
All right, well,
the secret service
is usually pretty quick
at getting back to me,
so while we're waiting
for them to weigh in
on these counterfeit 20s,
let's take a look
at the card room's
security footage.
Really?
Yeah.
Psst!
Hey, let's say we
give 'em the slip
and see what we can do together?
Righto!
Come on.
See how the mauese
run for the kaese?
What mice and cheese?
Them!
We must choose who to follow.
I know who we must follow.
It is the dancing
hall girl, Alvirah!
- Alvirah?
- Ja.
Don't be silly.
Okay, if it isn't Alvirah,
then why has this stowaway,
who has barely played the game,
all of the sudden stuck
like glue to her?
He knows something!
That's why he's been
laying in wait.
Barely playing...
Like glue...
It's not Alvirah!
- Huh?
- No!
It's Casper!
What?
He's our murderer! After him!
This way, this way, Hans!
Honey...
That was a close one!
It was?
Sure! Why do you think
I pulled you in here?
I couldn't very well let you
fall into their clutches.
Into whose clutches?
Come here.
Move your feet. Go, Hans, go.
Go!
Those two.
They've been following
you two everywhere.
Yeah, that's right.
Somehow, they must have learned
that Alvirah and I found
Left Hook Louis' map,
and that there's
only one man onboard
who can interpret it.
Me?
Yes.
I have either Casper or Hans.
They're both equally likely.
What about me?
I'm not a suspect?
Unless you have an evil twin.
Considering you were
standing right beside me
when the murder went down?
Well then, how do you explain
the fact that you're
still the top suspect
on my list of femmes fatales?
A femme fatale?
Don't be silly.
What about Greta, you have her?
I do.
I also have Regan.
Regan is Nora's daughter.
What, do you think
that disqualifies her?
Not by itself, it's just...
Nora never pens the
obvious suspect.
Regan Reilly is the
only one playing
who's a real private eye,
one of the best in the business.
She's taken down some of
the nastiest bad guys
the world has to offer.
Nora would know
that casting her as the murderer
would be about playing
her against type,
which is pretty obvious.
I see that more as a misdirect.
I might, too,
if she wasn't also married
to a hotshot detective,
which makes her
even more obvious.
The main reason
I think Regan isn't our killer
is because her best
friend, Alvirah Meehan,
is the world's most
famous amateur sleuth
and Nora Reilly's biggest fan.
You're not suggesting
that it's Alvirah?
That's the big question mark.
Too obvious?
Too devious.
Because if Nora cast Alvirah
as the murderer,
then she made the most
obvious choice of all.
We have to go back to the board.
My French is un peu rouille...
But I believe
I can translate this.
However,
thrilling thought it is
to be part of your team,
I must admit I am a bit wary
of your sudden alliance.
Well, after staying
up all last night,
trying to decipher this map,
we knew that it was
partner or perish.
Pun intended.
You see, once we learned
that you were an
international diplomat,
we figured if anyone could
parlez-vous francais
and crack this...
It's you.
Well.
Crack it, I shall!
Excuse me.
Yeah. Jack Reilly.
What? No, no, no,
it's a perfect time.
Yeah, thanks for getting
back to me so quickly.
Huh.
Sure, sure.
Identity thief.
Stole a winner's
ticket, costume...
Well, sometimes, you get lucky.
Yeah, I know, right,
what are the odds?
All right, I'll email
you a current picture
so you know who to greet
when we dock in the A.M.
Okay, thanks for your help.
Willy...
Say hello to our counterfeiter
and our card cheat.
I don't trust men with hair.
You're the...
I really think we
should warn him.
About what?
That we suspect his wife's
trying to kill him?
The FBI's running the picture
I emailed them of her
through their next gen
identification system,
and whoever she is won't
be secret for long.
But if...
No. No, buts.
Without solid evidence,
Casper is just as likely
to hurry back to Serena
and tell her what the
crazy ladies said.
Then the only thing
that we can count on
is her waiting till
she gets back home
to kill him without
our interference.
Okay, if you look right here
at the cuff of his sleeve,
you'll see it.
All right, this is
what allows him
to make sure he
controls the game.
I'm such a sucker.
No, Willy, you're not.
This guy's a career con man.
He's hit one casino and
card room after another,
always assuming
another identity,
always playing the happy loser
while using counterfeit bills
as he builds up trust,
and then he cleans folks out.
Unless we stop him.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Only one way to find out.
It's the bloody
handprint, all right.
It's too small to be a man's
so our murderer is a woman.
Which eliminates Casper and Hans
and has me thinking
this just might be...
Eureka!
The mark for Left Hook
Louis' gold mine!
Now all I have to do
is track the longitude
and the latitude
and the bounty will be ours!
Cracking?
Cracking.
I take first watch,
don't argue why,
you'll take the second,
so he doesn't die.
And no getting out of the car,
if you get my meaning.
We stick with the
plan no matter what.
To dress for the
farewell dinner,
and we can't stop him.
But if we sense anything hinky,
we're going in to get him,
and we go in as a team.
Stay. First watch. Team.
Good.
Now go change.
And wear sensible shoes.
It could be a long night.
Remember what they told us
when we were kids, Greta,
it's not about whether
you win or lose,
but how you played the...
Look, don't say
it, Hans, please.
You know what a sore
loser I can be.
They find the pouch,
they find the knife.
They find everything.
And if I can't find the
clues in this chapter,
then I...
Very exciting.
I've got it!
So, what do you
think, Willy old boy,
you think you're ready
to do what I taught you?
That scallywag
is about to receive
his comeuppance,
compliments of the Jack Reilly
school of card palming.
Okay, we're on pins and needles.
Where's Left Hook
Louis' lost loot?
You are both going
to delight in this.
Left Hook Louis' mine
is a mere five miles
from where we're going
to dock tomorrow
at the end of the
mystery cruise,
so...
Though we have yet to
identify the killer,
as the lucky
caretakers of the map,
at least we've
uncovered the motive.
Gads!
Where has the day gone?
As I am past due
joining my dear Serena
for our farewell affair,
we will have to adjourn
for a brief intermission.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Okay, we've got 12 hours left
before we dock,
and Casper's beyond our
reach to protect him.
Now, you make sure he makes
it to his room in one piece
while I get changed and...
You call those sensible?
I call them
fashionably sensible.
Really?
Well done.
Thank you.
Okay, the more we've
talked about it,
the more we know
it can't be Greta.
Which means, despite all
the reasons we listed
why it shouldn't be them,
it leaves us with...
Regan...
Or Alvirah.
But which one?
I don't think it's a good idea.
You grab it.
No, you grab it!
But I said it first.
You volunteered me first.
Same thing.
Read 'em and weep, boys.
What? Don't go away.
What, don't you want a chance
to win your money back?
Forgive me for
interrupting, sir,
but I think you've
inadvertently taken my seat.
Why, Willy, what
a nice surprise.
I thought you said you'd
lost your last hand?
Once again, sir,
you're in my seat.
You're welcome to it.
"I take first watch,
don't argue why,
you'll take second,
so he doesn't die."
Stay. First watch. Team.
Aw...
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do?
What do I have?
Casper?
Casper?
Casper?
Casper? Ooh!
Casper!
Are you okay?
How nice of you to drop in.
Alvirah!
Hello?
Hello?
It's time to go!
Hey.
It's you.
Stay back.
You don't want to catch this,
it's a killer.
It's a shame you're
feeling so punk.
You know, I ran into Casper
this afternoon,
and we made plans for us
all to grab a cocktail
before dinner.
Well, Caspy already left.
Funny,
he never mentioned
meeting for drinks.
Well, don't let me
spoil your fun.
Have a lovely evening.
Caspy, dear,
I'm so sorry if
you're uncomfortable.
I'd hoped to kill you
like all my other husbands,
suddenly and without warning.
That was before Miss
Noseypants interfered.
Making it impossible
for me to cash in
as the grieving widow.
Your discomfort doesn't
bother me one bit.
You and that lying Regan Reilly.
Nothing would please me more
than throwing you two overboard,
but, sadly,
my survival must take precedent
over such instant gratification.
Stop complaining.
I wasted five years of my
life on this marriage.
At my age, do you think
five years grows on a tree?
Well, of course, I'm going
to get away with it, silly.
I always do.
Why, by the time your
partner finds you,
I will be row, row...
Rowing my boat
Far, far, away
Escaping now, escaping now
To kill another day...
Go, go!
I'm moving my feet!
Not fast enough!
So, do you have any children?
Yeah, two.
Both in college.
One on the east coast
and one out west.
You have a beautiful family.
Thanks.
We see each other every
summer and all the holidays,
that is when they're not skiing
or traveling, or with friends.
When they're this age,
you don't see them half as
often as you'd like to.
Would you care to dance?
There's... no music.
I know.
That way, I don't have to worry
about staying on the beat.
Yeah.
Madame.
Monsieur.
Aren't you a little...
Under-dressed?
Have you seen Alvirah?
No. Why? What's wrong?
Nothing.
Regan.
No, nothing, really. I
just need her to...
Look, if you see Alvirah,
tell her I said to stay put.
Now, do you really want to
open that box, Pandora?
But I smell...
Trouble.
What else is new?
Look on the bright side,
with that pair up to...
whatever,
you'll probably have the
plot for your next book
by the end of the night.
Alvirah!
Alvirah, are you in there?
And I'll, raise a hundred.
Not with these.
Well, Oliver, in or out?
I'm in.
I'll see your hundred and call.
Two pairs, queen high.
Two pairs king high.
Well, that's it for me.
Would you pass those cards over?
My pleasure.
Just bust it.
- Bust it open.
- No!
It's bad enough
that we stole it.
Borrowed.
Shame, Greta!
Hans!
Detected, Greta.
Back. We must take this
back to the captain
before we suffer further shame!
Regan!
Okay, come here.
Hurry up, she's getting away!
She's stealing a lifeboat!
Go! Get out!
Okay, here. Okay, okay!
Get out!
- Be careful.
- Ooh!!
That didn't touch you.
I can't find my satchel.
But doesn't it have the...
Sets for chapter 21.
Yes.
I thought I had it with me.
Nora, you don't think...
Someone would actually cheat
to learn who the mystery
game murderer is?
I know I had it in the salon.
That's where I've been storing
all the chapters for you.
Well then, that's
where we should look.
I hope there's no trouble.
You're right.
It's gotta be...
Her, I know.
But why rush it?
Don't you think we should?
No. Yes. No.
Me too.
We could always
pick this up later.
We could.
Right where we left off.
Or better yet...
Find out where this
might take us?
- On...
- One...
- Two...
- Three...
Nora was just here.
Well, you know what that means.
Exactly.
If we can't find Nora...
We have to do our
accusing face-to-face.
I'll call that
and raise you...
10,000.
Well, I think this would
cover your 10 large.
Four lucky sevens for the win.
Ollie...
I know you'll correct
me if I'm wrong,
but in poker, nothing
beats a royal flush.
You're a cheater.
It takes one to know one.
What's really gonna
sting is, I'm a cop,
and you're under arrest.
It's not here either.
I'm so sorry.
Well, let's not jump
to conclusions.
Captain, perhaps you...
Hold on, what do we have here?
We formally accuse the
dance hall girl...
of murder!
- Look what we found!
- Look what I've stolen!
Look at this!
I'm suspicious about this money.
Quiet!
Quiet!
My wife,
she's a murderer.
So that means Alvirah was right.
So Regan must...
Watch him.
Regan, I'm coming!
Serena!
Get away from her!
Here! Grab hold!
Let me help you!
No.
I can't, I'll fall!
Don't be a fool, Mona,
don't be a fool.
Or is it Lola?
It's Ethel.
Well, Ethel,
if the propellers don't get you,
the freezing water will.
Now let me help you!
Police!
Shut it down.
What did I tell you?
Fashionable and...
Sensible.
Hey, what are you doing up here?
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
I'm sorry, Regan.
What are you talking about?
I did it again.
I didn't wait in the car.
Or should I say "storage room."
Alvirah..
No, I almost got you killed.
You saved my life.
No...
I did what I always do,
and that's getting
lucky because of you.
You were right.
I have no business being...
In your business.
No.
No, I was wrong.
And I'm the one who
needs to apologize.
Me telling you to
ignore your gift,
and that's what you have,
a gift for spotting trouble
even before it happens.
All I know is,
thank goodness you
got out of that car.
Look, we dodged a real...
Black widow.
I mean, the way I see it,
it would be a crime
not to open up
a detective agency together.
Partner.
So?
Isn't it every bit as fabu
as I promised it would be?
Every bit.
Come on, Regan, be a big girl
and admit how much you like it.
It's beyond "fabu."
Tallulah liked it so much
we almost decided to use it for
her and her poochy friends
for their playdates.
Didn't we, sweetie?
Anyway,
we're just thrilled
that you love your new space
for the Meehan & Reilly
Detective Agency.
The Reilly & Meehan Agency.
Not according to your door.
Anyway,
I've been uptown and down,
making sure that anyone
involved with anything
they're desperate to
keep off page six
comes to see you at your
one-stop crime shop!
Yes, it is, Lulu.
It is time for our
afternoon nappy.
Goodbye!
Thanks, Cass.
Meehan & Reilly
Detective Agency,
this is Alvirah Meehan.
How can we help you?
My goodness. Go on.
I'm listening.