The Napa Boys (2025) Movie Script

1
(grandiose
classical music playing)
(music swells)
(music concludes)
(upbeat music playing)
- (car horn honking)
- (tires screeching)
(indistinct chatter)
(music builds)
Ethan: Good evening,
and... and thank you to all.
Working in
the pest control business,
I always smell
of vermin and skunk,
so I have trouble with romance.
The Napa Boys helped me through.
(feedback screeching)
Is it... Is it true
you don't drink anymore?
Miles Jr.: Um... Well, no,
I... I... I don't drink wine,
but, you know,
Gatorade or whatever.
Puck: Hello, Miles Jr.
My name is Puck
and I am the Napa Boys'
biggest fan. (chuckles)
The Napa Boys taught me
that it's okay to be weird.
You inspired me to become
an investigative podcaster.
And if it's okay,
I would love to shadow you
for a while
and assist you with your life
and interview you
or any of the other members
of the Napa Boys,
particularly regarding
the rumors that...
all of your graphic novels
are in fact based
on your real life adventures,
and you hide this
to protect the innocent.
- (feedback screeching)
- Uh, uh, sorry.
Uh, your what-cast?
These are not,
uh, real adventures?
I'm not some sort of, uh,
Indiana Jones-like figure?
Bless your heart.
Uh, thank you so much, uh, Puck.
Thanks. Next question.
- Say, fair maiden...
- Sam: I have a question.
Miles Jr.: Oh, God.
Um, so I know that Napa Boys
famously hate Merlot.
Yeah, that's right.
Merlot sucks. Get lost, Spock.
(laughs)
Holy shit,
it's the real Jack Jr.
I don't know this man.
I don't know who this...
- From the Napa Boys.
- The stories were real.
- (crowd gasping)
- That's right, I'm real, baby.
And I have a question
for Miles Jr.
Are you ready to go
on another Napa Boys adventure?
- Yes!
- No more adventures for me.
Um, although there's never been
an adventure,
so there'd be no...
no more to go on...
How about now?
- (crowd gasping)
- The famous Sommelier's Amulet.
It does exist.
Jack Jr.:
You know what this means?
The Napa Boys are back, baby!
(energetic rock music playing)
Puck: (over recording)
Well, Grapes and Gals,
after getting rejected
from reporter school
and by my hero, Miles Jr.,
The First Sip With Puck
will be going
on permanent hiatus.
And as always, to the grape.
- (recorder clicks)
- (music concludes)
Maybe they're right.
Maybe I'll never be
a respected reporter
at this rate.
(sighs)
- (sentimental music playing)
- (scoffs)
Miles Jr.: Hey, guys.
It's me again. (chuckles)
Just thought I'd show you
the new update. (chuckles)
It's you guys.
(inhales sharply)
(sobs)
(sobbing)
I really miss you guys.
Jack Jr.:
(in high-pitched voice) "Psst!"
"It's me, Emilia."
"Are you still depressed?"
"Maybe you should go get laid
with... with your friend,
Jack Jr., and Napa."
"Yeah, it's me, Blair. I agree."
- Jack.
- (laughs)
I almost had you, bro.
I almost had you!
But just like you told me
20 years ago
at this very spot,
before it became the grave site
of your wife and daughter,
Napa Boys are forever, dude.
- (uplifting music playing)
- (Jack Jr. laughs)
(chuckles)
Jack Jr.: Uh,
leader of the Napa Boys?
Beep beep, bitch.
We're going to Napa.
Miles Jr.: It's so great
to be back
in the old wine wagon, right?
Uh, new and improved
wine wagon, dude.
- (playful jazz music playing)
- Watch this.
- (spring bouncing)
- Oh, whoa.
- (machine whirring)
- (drink pouring)
(chuckles) Uh, what is this?
Uh, James Bond's... wine... car?
No.
Miles Jr.: Hey, what's this?
That, mon frre, is moi's
1999 Romani de la Conti.
I got it on my Euro trip.
The Europe trip
that I was not invited to.
Oh, come on, man, that was
a Jack Jr. only adventure.
(slurps)
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
we got to pick someone up.
Uh, wa... who?
Stifler's brother.
Huh. Good.
- Miles Jr.: That's it!
- Jack Jr.: Oh, whoa!
- (car horn blaring)
- (tires screeching)
- Jack Jr.: (groans) Dude!
- Miles Jr.: Stifler's brother!
Jack Jr.: Dude, what the fuck?
You pulled the emergency brake.
You can't just
fucking do that, dude.
- Jack Jr.: What?
- Perfect!
- Jack Jr.: Yes!
- Perfect!
- Jack Jr.: Dude.
- Stifler's brother!
Jack Jr.: Yeah.
"Oh, I invited
Stifler's brother."
That's right.
I invited Stifler's brother.
- Aw! Oh, we gotta come over...
- Tell him what he's won, Bob.
- Rattlesnake.
- Really?
- There's not a...
- Miles Jr.: I'm doing it!
- Jack Jr.: The Romani de Conti!
- Miles Jr.: That's right!
Jack Jr.: No!
Miles Jr., don't you dare!
No, no, no, no, no! Give it!
Stop drinking it!
No, no, you're spilling!
- No, no! No, you stupid...
- (grunts) You can't stop me!
- (grunts, exclaims)
- (grunts)
(both pant)
- Miles Jr.
- (groans)
What, Jack Jr.?
You gotta face the music, bro.
You're old.
You're still a virgin.
- (grunts, whimpers)
- Worst of all...
you're unviral.
Great. Perfect. Now I'm unviral.
(sighs) Unviral,
and still a virgin.
I swear
on The Sommelier himself,
I will get you laid, Miles Jr.
And if there's one person
who knows how to get laid,
it's the Stifmeister.
And his brother.
(suspenseful music playing)
- (brakes squealing)
- (car engine stalls)
There he is, Stifler's brother.
Yeah, he just doesn't really
seem like Stifler's brother.
That's where
he dropped his pin, bro.
Now go get him.
I don't know, man.
It just doesn't look like...
Why?
Well, no, uh...
because he's got a briefcase
and a suit.
- (gasps)
- Hey, guys!
- (chuckles)
- He's getting in.
Miles Jr. and Jack Jr.,
the original Napa Boys.
(kisses)
If any of y'all need a lawyer,
here's my card, okay?
I just want
to be there for y'all,
just like you guys
have been there
for my brother, Stifler.
- That's right. (chuckles)
- (chuckles)
- Wine?
- Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
Well, Napa, here we come!
("Feels Like Christmas"
by Cyndi Lauper playing)
We're back, baby. We're back!
- Come on, say it. We're back.
- We're back.
Hey, Louie, can't you see
I couldn't leave you
If I tried?
Hey, Louie, listen to me...
- "Welcome to Napa."
- (laughs) Yeah!
Oh, dude. The old Hitching Post.
Oh, look.
Moose on the loose, huh?
Look, "Moose on the loose."
We're really in Napa.
Beautiful Napa, great as ever.
Napa, baby!
- Stifler's brother: Oh, yeah!
- (Jack Jr. chuckles)
(music concludes)
- (Kevin laughs)
- (laid-back music playing)
Boys, boys, boys.
- Come here, buddy. Oh!
- Jack Jr.: Kevin!
Well, I couldn't turn down
the Amulets call, man.
Kevin. Kevin.
What's a Napa Boy adventure
without Kevin?
Puck: (muffled)
And you heard it here first.
The Napa Boys are officially
back together.
A stowaway!
It's what Woodward and Bernstein
would have done
to get the story.
Woodward and who?
Who the fuck
is Woodward and Bernstein?
- Who are you?
- I'm Puck.
I'm the newest member
of the Napa Boys.
- You're not a Napa Boy.
- (uplifting music playing)
And you're never going
to be a Napa Boy.
(somber music playing)
I'm the only one who gets
to wear sunglasses.
A stowaway?
(music intensifies)
(indistinct chatter)
Kevin: There he is!
It's the ten-time
grape stomping champion
of Napa Valley.
- And the crowd goes wild.
- (laughs)
Mitchie the Kid.
Hell yeah,
the Napa Boys are back
for one final adventure
with a few new friends. (laughs)
My feet are all tingling
from the grapes. (laughs)
Just getting my new batch ready
for the qualifying
tasting event.
Kevin: Napa Boys Rule Number 23,
"Always taste
the freshest batch."
- Mm-hmm.
- (sips)
- It's delicious. God!
- (chuckles)
Hey, Miles Jr..
I'm so sorry
I wasn't at your daughter
and wife's wake.
I, uh... I made a little
special portrait for you,
but I dropped it
in a wine barrel
and it was destroyed.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there.
So...
Well, I'm glad
you guys enjoy the vintage.
It may be my winery's last shot.
Sadly, Mitch's Winery
is in a lot of trouble
before it even got
its purple feet off the ground.
(sighs)
Between the economy,
climate change, which is real,
and Squirm Wineries
hogging all the resources,
we're in trouble.
Everything depends
on my vintage winning this
year's Great Grape Festival.
I hear there's
a super-secret celebrity guest
this year
at the Great Grape Festival.
- (Kevin laughing)
- I wonder who it is.
Well, it's delicious.
You're a shoo-in.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the original Napa Boys.
Back in town for the Great
Grape Festival, I assume.
Yeah, Mitch's husband.
Mitch: Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to get back
to stomping this batch.
I got to get it ready
for the qualifier later today.
You guys want to come with?
Hey, we'll help you out
at the wine qualifier, Mitch.
- (Kevin laughs)
- (laughs)
To the Napa Valley
Social Country Club we go.
(classical music playing)
Napa Valley.
Look at all
this Napa puss just ripe
for the pussy pickings.
It's like puss-mas out here.
Miles Jr.: More like
stomach ache-mas.
Come on, Miles Jr., you gotta
get your mojo back.
Ooh, Stifler's brother's
getting in
on the puss-mas spirit.
- (kisses, moans)
- (kisses, moans)
Take notes, Miles Jr.
Hey, what?
Whoa, I'm the Scrooge
of puss-mas now?
- Jack Jr.: Yes.
- Wait up.
These two.
- (glass clinking)
- Welcome.
Welcome, Napa's finest.
The preliminary judging is
about to begin,
so let us raise our glasses
and recite the Napa toast.
All: To the grape!
Stifler's brother:
Hey, everybody.
This is my Napa girlfriend,
Trixie.
- Hi.
- That's right, man.
And she has, uh... she has
everything we need, man.
She has some E,
LSD, extended release,
Viagra, ketamine,
anything we need.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Jack Jr.: Fuck yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna use this to crush it.
I'm gonna crush it.
Wow, I'm really
a big fan of Trixie.
Jack Jr.: Fuck yeah.
I'm gonna open these, too.
Oh, fuck! Oh...
All right, time for the tasting.
Remember, Napa Boys, we all need
to love our wine, okay?
We are the third entry.
Mitch's Winery depends on it.
So all we have
to do is just convey
to everyone that we love
Mitch's wine the best.
I'm sure it'll be really
easy to publicly
- enjoy your wine.
- Jack Jr.: We got to love it.
We're going to convey
that to you.
We're gonna... We're gonna...
No matter what,
your wine is the best to us.
Our first entry
and winner of the last
five festivals,
Squirm Wineries.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
(sniffs)
(sips)
Ooh, now that's the good stuff.
I mean, it's not a mystery
why he always wins. (chuckles)
He always wins.
All right, the Squirm's gonna
be hard to beat, folks,
but let's try the second entry,
number two. (chuckles)
(stomach growling)
Oh, my God,
why is your boner so big?
(gasps)
Erectile dysfunction
and laxatives?
Did you mix up your nerd pills
with her cool drugs?
I think so.
The pills I was doing switched
on me, be right back.
- Come on.
- (energetic music playing)
Did you try it, Seth?
It's... It's damn good.
It's happening. It's happening.
I can't stop it.
I can't stop it.
- (groans, strains)
- (liquid spluttering)
(indistinct chatter)
(moans) Don't cum.
Think about baseball.
Think about baseball. (groans)
- (loud fart)
- Oh!
(liquid spluttering)
It's hot!
I'm shitting and cumming.
I'm shitting and cumming.
I'm cumming.
(breathes heavily)
Wilbur: Now it's time
for the third entry,
Ew.
Mitch's Winery.
You might know Mitch
as one of the Napa Boys.
Jack Jr.: Whoo! (sighs)
Psst. Miles Jr.
I just came
and shit in Mitch's wine.
Oh, did you?
That's a really smart move.
Here it is, Miles Jr.,
my pride and joy.
Entry three, my good sir.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Looks good, Mitch.
Drink the wine before she pours
any more, all right?
Make a speech! Make a speech!
Uh... I... I just wanted
to say, uh... Before...
Excuse me.
I'd love to try the taste.
It's a little unorthodox,
but if you want to speak
or say something, Miles Jr.,
- do your thing.
- Miles Jr.: I just wanted
to be here to say that
I would like the first sip
of Mitch's Winery's
entry number three.
Drink it. (chuckles)
I will begin
my sipping right away.
By all means, Miles Jr.,
do your thing.
When you're a Napa Boy...
- Drink.
- ...you drink...
your friend's....
Yeah. Almost there.
Dude, you got some on me.
All right, good.
I think I'm...
- loving it.
- Hold on, wait a second.
Looking more closely, it seems
like someone has shit
and cum into this wine.
You did not mean
for this to be filled
with the shit and the cum.
No, neither of them.
All right, so you'll resubmit
tomorrow
- with a fresh glass and...
- (all gasp)
- (sighs) Oh, my God.
- (chuckles)
I don't even think anyone wants
to even drink this
because of the shit
and the... and the cum.
They're going
to give him another shot.
Mitch: Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you ever so much.
(rock music playing)
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Napa Boys.
Great. Here comes this weirdo.
I see you have a Black
with you now.
Oh, who's this?
Some sort of female
woke-toke Mary Sue.
Um, I cannot believe
the Squirm just
called me a Mary Sue.
Well, that's what
you are, aren't you?
Especially if you hang out
with this lot
of race-mixing rats.
This guy is a jerk
with a capital J.
Very interesting.
I could see all
of you in an oven,
like the Holocaust.
Not Hansel and Gretel.
Squirm, that's almost as bad
as the other stuff
you've said tonight.
Maybe even more bad
than the shit-and-cum wine.
Oh!
Speaking of, Mitch...
the bitch...
You and your gay-ass husband
might have gotten lucky
this time, but my winery
is going to win this year.
How could you even
afford a winery, Squirm?
Crypto, baby!
Yes, I big shorted Squirm coin
before the dip.
- (energetic music playing)
- Squirm: Oh, valet!
Valet!
Fetch me my Rolls Royce!
(laughs whimsically)
Man, you really suck.
Even Squirm's viral.
We cannot let the Squirm win
the Great Grape Festival.
It's gonna be tough,
but we'll come up
with another batch by then.
Stifler's brother:
We'll all help you out, Mitch.
That's what being
a Napa Boy is all about.
I wonder why our wine was filled
to the brim
with shit and cum.
Kim: Talk to him about it.
Loretta: (sighs) Okay,
I just have to say,
I'm a really big fan
of your comic.
Oh, oh, thank you so...
We Napa Boys are
gonna be friends forever.
It was just a wedding cake!
(all laughing)
That was spot on, Loretta.
You should be
on my Napa Boys podcast.
But joking aside,
I'm really sorry
for your loss, Miles Jr.
If you need anything,
I'll be serving over there.
Huh. Oh... oh, thank you.
Jack Jr.: More like serving
looks at my widowed king,
Miles Jr.
She's like a real fan,
and she seems mature.
I mean, she could be
wife material.
You really think so?
Yeah, Miles Jr., it's all you.
What about Napa Boys
Rule Number 55,
"Grapes before gals."
No, bud,
this doesn't break any rules.
Tonight, you are Han Solo.
Miles Jr., listen to Kevin.
I am Han Solo.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna fucking...
I'm gonna fucking
fuck her so hard.
And this time,
leave your skateboard
at home, okay?
You're almost 40.
(Napa Boys laughing)
(joyful music playing)
Oh, rockin' pad, ladies.
Thanks. We try to keep it tidy.
She does. I'm a complete hog.
(imitates pig oink)
Oink, oink, bitch.
- (laughs)
- (laughs)
Here, here's my friend,
Mr. Normal.
You remember him.
Horses they're so...
are everywhere, so careful.
- That's why she picked a horse.
- (both laugh)
Oh, because, uh...
because your big dick.
That's right,
my big black mamba.
(chuckles)
Did someone call my name?
- (chuckles)
- (laugh)
What? We're having fun.
See the fun we're having?
Horses and headphones.
And I was thinking about
how if a horse had headphones
and how
I have headphones
when I go running.
And it's like I listen
to the Transparent theme song
like on repeat.
It's like a very soothing thing.
And yeah, again,
if you're tired,
drink some water.
I'm going to go talk
to my boy Miles Jr. here
for a second. Just hang out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You're scaring away the pussy.
- You're scaring away the...
- They're loving us.
- They're loving us.
- No, they're not.
Miles Jr.,
I'm gonna get you laid.
I love her.
Girls don't like
anyone who loves them.
Don't you know that?
You're right. You're right.
Now, you know what you do love?
Huh? Wine. Huh?
Now we're gonna go back there.
We're gonna have some wine.
("Caroline" by
Randy Newman playing)
Get Miles Jr. some pussy.
(claps) Hey!
- Who's ready for some vino?
- Oh, my God.
...Mine
You're my...
Kind of girl
Caroline
Please be mine
You're my kind
Of girl
And when in springtime
Daylight surrounds you
And there's no one
Around you but me
Caroline
Please be mine
You're my kind
Of girl
Oh, I see. I see.
This is so fucking hot.
Now, remember, Vegas, baby.
Your money. Your money, baby.
(kisses) Your money.
- Miles Jr.: Yeah.
- Now, go get some pussy.
I'll be right back. (chuckles)
- (chuckles) All right.
- (Loretta chuckles)
Remember, Miles Jr.
(speaks indistinctly)
Miles Jr.: Wha...
I didn't know she could do that.
Mm. The talking thing?
- Miles Jr.: Yeah.
- It's an act.
She uses her hands.
That's so...
I just, um, yeah, no, I love
the way you phrase things.
- I mean, that's so cool.
- (Loretta chuckles)
Loretta: (chuckles) You're so
cute when you're nervous.
- You're so cute. (groans)
- (chuckles)
(chomping noise)
Ow!
(chuckles)
So I got to say,
you're one of the leading
botanists in the world.
How are you a waitress in Napa,
of all places?
(chuckles)
You see, being a waitress
is more than just serving.
There's something
about seeing a smile
- on a customer's face.
- (gentle music playing)
I'll just walk
over to bring them food.
And I don't mean food.
I mean a meal.
You know what meal means.
It means comfort.
It's... It's like Bilbo when
he says he misses comfort.
I mean, being
a waitress is everything.
I bring the water,
the clinking of the cleaning,
the different people,
and everyone likes me.
I get to wear a uniform.
We serve America.
Heck, we've served the world.
We are the world's
oldest profession.
Your comic
helped me realize that.
(chuckles)
I guess now
I'm the one that's rambling.
One can't just ramble anymore.
Do you ever think about that?
Nowadays, they would just
fast forward unless I was
gonna kill or be killed.
No.
The world's not
cut out for rambling.
It kind of makes me sad.
When a waitress walks up
and stops your conversation,
that's how I save rambling.
(liquid trickling)
I'm sorry.
I choked...
I just choked on the water.
I guess my point is,
it's really hard being a girl
and also being
into The Lord of the Rings
and everything
that comes with it.
They say you gotta love yourself
before you love someone else.
You know, but I...
I hate myself, and...
- I love, uh, you.
- (chuckles)
(kisses) Oh.
Here, I want
to give you something.
When will I need it?
Loretta: Now, I heard
that you're into music.
Well...
I tend to groove
to a different cuties.
("The Girls of Rock N' Roll"
by The Chipmunks
and The Chipettes playing)
Sun goes down
I'm just getting up
I'm heading
For the city lights
Radio blastin'
All the way to the club
Gonna rock this town tonight
"You're living
In a man's world"
They tell us
But we ain't gonna buy it
The things they're trying
To sell us now
'Cause we're the girls
Of rock and roll
Whoo-hoo
Yeah, we're the girls
Of rock and roll
Ro-o-o-ock and roll
Roll, roll, roll
We are the girls
We are the girls
We are the girls
Of rock and roll
We are the boys
We are the boys
We are the boys
Of rock and roll
(record player shuts off)
- (Jack moans)
- Kim: Oh, my God.
- (Jack moans)
- Kim: I'm your little horsey.
Jack Jr.: I'm your jockey.
Kim: Saddle me, Seabiscuit.
Now let's have a little fun.
Jack Jr.: What are you
taking out?
Huh?
Is that supposed to go in me?
- Kim: Oh, yeah.
- Jack Jr.: Oh, oh, oh, dude.
Dude, it hurts. It hurts.
But I like it.
Oh, not really soundproof, huh?
- Loretta: Not at all.
- (chuckles)
Jack Jr.:
What's that book you're opening?
Kim: The Kama Sutra.
Jack Jr.: The Kamas-what?
Uh, am I doing Tantra right now?
I really hope
Miles Jr.'s fucking too,
because I'm having
some great sex.
We can...
We can...
I'm having so much fun.
You... You do it...
Fuck her, dude.
Dude, dude, dude. Fuck her.
Fuck her.
Fuck her. Fuck her. Du...
Fuck her! Dude!
Dude, I'm fucking.
You have to fuck, now!
Fuck her. Fuck her now!
(sighs)
(serene music playing)
We were up late working
on the new vintage.
Here are photos
of each F slur I found.
Maybe we can compare
handwriting samples
with everyone in town?
I'll be the judge of that.
All right, we'll get
to the bottom of this.
Wow. That's a lot of F-slurs.
F-slurs all over. Look at that.
(mumbles indistinctly)
Fourteen F-slurs.
I'm counting three,
but yeah, that's a lot.
No, look here. Look here.
Oh, there's a whole bunch
of them.
I've never seen so many F-slurs.
Mitch: Who would do
something like this?
If it isn't the burp twins.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the original Napa Boys.
- Back at it again. Wow.
- (Officer Toland chuckles)
Yeah, the only thing
we had going was
that moose on the loose.
And now a hate crime?
You're suggesting
a moose did this?
A wily moose wrote these things?
Don't be ridiculous.
Now, if I was a moose,
I'd go up the creek
and use my horns
to sip the Merlot.
Jack Jr.: You two always
did love Merlot.
Ah, I wonder
why you became cops.
(all laughing)
And don't forget the donuts.
- Jack Jr.: Yeah, you got it.
- (crowd laughing)
- Jack Jr.: I love the donuts.
- If you were a moose
and your antlers
got the Merlot,
it would spill on your fur.
Let me tell you something.
I don't
like you Napa Boys, okay?
Guys, look.
The Sommelier's amulet's
never glowed like this before.
We have to go back to the cave.
Some say the devil comes
for you at your highest moment.
Well, I say, not this day.
Napa calls.
John, we'll be back.
Mitch's assistant,
go fill out the rest
of that paperwork, baby.
Thank you, guys.
You know, there's something
about those Napa Boys
that I like.
Yeah. I'm with you.
I know exactly what you mean.
I don't know what it is,
but it's something.
They got a little, what is it,
X factor, you told me.
Now, hey, is this your husband?
- (sighs) No, that one was.
- Officer Toland: Ah.
("Family Tree"
by Gerry Rafferty playing)
When we were young
We used to sing
And we could feel
The harmony
You'd sit there waiting
In the wings
How long have you been waitin'
To let your light shine?
Many years have gone
Since then
Seen us
Go our different ways
But now we sit here
Once again
Tonight we're gonna sing out
Tonight our light will shine
This is the time and place
To bring out our memory
It's written on every face
I can see it in you
You can see it on me
In all the years we had
As part of a family tree
We knew the good and bad
I can see it in you
You can see it in me
(music concludes)
(chuckles) We made it.
All right.
(grunts) Come on.
(grunts)
(sighs) Won't budge.
(classical music playing)
It's not going to happen.
Hey, it's not going to happen.
I'll... I'll try. I'll try.
Sure, yeah, go ahead.
Oh.
(doorbell buzzing)
- (Puck chuckles)
- (rock scrapes)
She did it on the first try.
Kevin: Come on, guys.
"To be a Napa Boy
is to be free."
"To be a Napa Boy
is to suck the marrow
out of life and not,
when they come to die,
discover they had not lived,
but to tell me once and for all
a true friend always forgives
and always forgets."
"You princes of Maine,
Kings of New England."
"Miles, you can't put a joke
on the plaque."
(chuckles)
Jack Jr.: Wow.
Mitch: She fits in just right.
Stifler's Brother:
She's in the gang, guys.
Mitch: She really is one of us.
Kevin: She knew the whole thing?
Jack Jr.: Lucky guess.
Um...
Why is my cake
in this treasure box?
I can't believe it.
It's the cake.
There's no way
The Sommelier expected us
to come all the way
back here just for the cake.
God, I miss my winery.
I should be back preparing
for the Great Grape Festival.
We don't even know
if The Sommelier even exists.
The Sommelier has
to exist, Miles Jr.
He just has to.
Mitch: Jack Jr. (grunts)
- Mitch Jr.: Come on my cake.
- Puck: Let's go, Miles Jr.
Come on.
Water. My favorite.
Water's your favorite?
Mitch?
I love the feel
of water on my hands. (laughs)
Kevin: How's it feel?
How's it feel?
Watch out on those rocks, Mitch.
- (yelps)
- Jack Jr.: Mitch. Watch...
- You fell into the rapids.
- Ow, Mitch!
Why don't you hand
me your famous skateboard
to pull me up, Miles Jr.?
I can't reach.
Ah, Puck!
(Mitch screams)
(tense music playing)
Jack Jr.: Great, Mitch
and that other one are dead.
And it's all
exactly how you planned it.
Is that what you wanted, Miles?
Miles Jr.:
Why would I want that?
Jack Jr.: Because you got it.
Miles Jr.: What are you
talking about?
Jack Jr.:
For your footage, bitch.
Miles Jr.: What footage?
Jack Jr.: The writer's secret.
You remember things and then
use it in your material.
Miles Jr.: How do you know
about the writer's secret?
- Who told you that?
- Jack Jr.: You know what?
You're the fucking
Sammy Fabelman
of comic books, dude.
Miles Jr.:
Uh, I'm the Sammy Fabelman
of graphic novels.
Jack Jr.: See, you admit it.
Napa Boys Rule Number 109,
"Never question The Sommelier."
Miles Jr.: Oh, yeah,
Napa Boys Rule Number, uh, 104,
"You're a stupid asshole."
- Jack Jr.: That's not a rule.
- Miles Jr.: Yes, it is a rule.
Jack Jr.: Yeah, right.
Napa Boys Rule Number 54, uh,
"Miles Jr. sucks his own dick."
Miles Jr.: Uh, number hundred...
Stifler's brother: Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Miles Jr.: What?
Stifler's brother:
Napa Boys Rule Number 2,
"Never fight
with another Napa Boy."
- Jack Jr.: It's true.
- Stifler's brother: Come on.
Jack Jr.: It's true.
(Stifler's brother shushes)
You hear that?
(serene music playing)
Miles Jr.: What?
I don't hear anything.
Jack Jr.: It's this way.
This way, yeah.
- Miles Jr.: Huh?
- Jack Jr.: This way.
(gasps) Look.
Look everyone, it's snowing!
Whoa, the snow, it's so crazy.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Careful, it's cold.
As I was saying, I found myself
in the trappings
of a conventional,
20th-century existence.
Dog, family, picket fence,
the whole nine.
Kim: Sure.
Then I took ayahuasca
in the D.R.
I wake up.
I FaceTime my family.
I'm looking at them,
and I realize...
they're all strangers, you know?
Uh-huh.
You mean like the way
I see my dad
or like you're the dad?
They're just like all these
strangers that are assigned
to me for these arbitrary
societal reasons.
(inhales) And really, it's just
completely out of my control.
But emotionally,
I was very clear.
My family are
strangers who I don't know.
Do you want to know me?
So, so badly.
Be tender.
Be sweet to me.
- (kisses)
- (kisses)
Stifler's brother:
I don't know, Trix.
I guess I, um... (clicks tongue)
I guess I just always wanted
to be like Zorro.
(Trixie chuckles)
Or like...
Or like some sort of like a hero
or something, you know?
Like, you know, Zorro's Hispanic
and I'm a Black guy
from Compton.
Hey, listen to me.
You're my hero.
And how you found me,
you got me to stop dealing.
I love you.
You know that, right?
- I love you more.
- Trixie: No.
Not possible. (chuckles)
If you would have told me
when I was a boy
that my first
Napa Boy adventure,
I'd... I'd find the love
of my life. I...
I... I could do a backflip
or some shit.
- Do a backflip.
- I would fucking do a backflip.
- I dare you to do a backflip.
- Stifler's brother: You dare me
- to do a backflip?
- Right now.
- Watch my briefcase, baby.
- Trixie: Okay.
In the name of love.
Trixie: Whoo! Yeah!
Whoa, good form.
Wow.
Miles Jr., this is
like living a dream.
I've never seen snow before.
Did your magic dance cause this?
(chuckles) No, silly.
It's Napa.
- (kisses)
- (kisses)
- (gasps)
- (Loretta chuckles)
Whoa!
Snow in Napa?
Damn those Napa Boys.
God damn them.
John: The wine... Mitch left
the top off the barrel.
The new batch is ruined.
Old Woman's voice:
The boys, they grow.
They grow and become men.
(grunts)
Oh, my God.
Baby we gotta get out of here.
Hey.
Trixie.
Trixie.
Trixie.
- Dude, what the fuck?
- Stifler's brother: Trixie!
What the fuck?
- Get up.
- Stifler's brother: Trixie!
Really?
Where'd they go?
She's fucking dead!
She fucking overdosed!
Is she okay?
Stifler's brother: She said
she was gonna cut that shit out!
Help!
(sobs)
- Jack Jr.: That's beautiful.
- Miles Jr.: The card is good.
What can I say about Trixie
that hasn't already been said?
(moose grunting)
Oh, fuck. It's that moose
that everybody looking for.
Yeah, of course. Of course
I'm going to die by moose.
Hey, I'm going to kill it.
- (epic music playing)
- (moose grunting)
Run, Majestic Moose! Run!
What up, Napa Boys?
- Snooch.
- Jack Jr.: Look who it is.
The Abbot and Costello
of New Jersey.
What are you guys doing here?
We're moose hunting.
What does it fucking look like?
Oh, right.
We're moose hunter hunting.
All right, messing
with fucking Elmer Fudd,
going FernGully on their asses.
That's beautiful.
You guys really care.
Miles Jr.,
you little virgin, man.
How's that wife?
She is fucking fine.
- (music concludes)
- Jay: Oh, what, man?
You have something to say?
Sorry, guys.
Maybe if you had
a bigger franchise,
we might get a speech.
You know what? Fuck you.
There wasn't gonna be a speech.
Not even a fucking quip.
But now there's
gonna be a speech,
because of that
fucking attitude.
Jesus. Don't shit
on other franchises, man.
Number one,
it's bad luck for us.
Number two, everyone's
trying their hardest, man.
Don't be the fucking Internet
about it.
Miles Jr., what he's trying
to say is we're really sorry
that you're going
through it right now, man.
Like, sometimes life
"lifes" you straight up
the ass, often lubeless.
But fuck all that.
You're the Napa Boys, man.
You guys are inspiring.
You inspired us.
Fuck, man, look at you.
You're all about fellowship
and vino and shit like that.
So, what happened?
Did you get old?
Did you grow up?
Did you let go
of your hopes and dreams?
Why?
Because of a fairness fallacy?
Fuck that. Look at Jack Jr.
Motherfucker cheats
on his wife relentlessly,
still has a really beautiful
and alive family.
And look at him.
Fucking beautiful, right?
Stunning.
Looks like a young Tony Curtis.
And this is gonna sound
corny as shit,
but you know
what you really are?
Do you know?
Do you know
what they really are?
Beautiful.
Silent Bob: They're the family
that they've chosen.
You're the family you've chosen,
which is way better
than the family
you're stuck with.
You guys need to go
find the Milfonator, man.
She'll help you out.
Go to her house.
Thirty clicks down
this road, okay?
You'll get there just fine.
And, boys, take it
from Jay and Silent Bob.
You're gonna make it
to the Great Grape Festival.
And speaking of Jay
and Silent Bob,
when you see the Milfonator,
you give her maybe one, two,
no, three pumps
from us snoogins.
Thank you, guys. Down here?
Jack Jr.: Yeah, over that way.
Remember, 30 clicks.
Thirty clicks.
Jack Jr.:
Yeah, nice meeting you.
Yeah, good seeing you guys.
Yeah, snooches.
All right, listen.
Why don't we go up that hill,
go look for that moose,
find it, and fuck it?
(menacing music playing)
I'm at the Milfonator's house,
aren't I?
I haven't seen this old bitch
since I fucked her 20 years ago,
so, don't fuck this up
for me, dude.
What are you saying, man?
(chuckles) Hey, Kim,
what are you doing here?
You stopped by
Milfonator house too, like us?
You Napa Boys must be here
to say hi
to the so-called Milfonator.
Uh, yes, yes, I would.
Thank you.
- That would be so nice.
- Mom!
Mom, the Napa Boys are here.
- Mom?
- I have to go.
- Jack Jr.: Okay. (chuckles)
- Bye, Jack. (kisses)
- Bye.
- Miles Jr.: Bye.
Is she my fucking daughter,
dude?
Miles Jr.: I don't know.
Is she my fucking daughter,
dude?
- No. I don't...
- Did I just fuck--
Did I just fuck
my own daughter, dude?
I don't know,
what am I, Mr. Math?
Yes.
Well, well, well.
Miles Jr. and
his no-good cohort, Jack Jr.
(chuckles)
Come in, boys.
Come in. Welcome.
Milfonator, the Napa Boys
are lost.
We need your help.
Oh, you naughty Napa Boys.
Always breezin' in.
Always asking
the wrong questions.
Dude, I fucked my daughter.
Actually, it's not really
important right now.
The Milfonator is right here,
now, your little daddy-daughter
novella or whatever...
So, we traveled here
from the cave cellar of wonder,
and we need your help.
The Sommelier predicted
once the Napa Boys
were reunited...
they would give the world...
Well, the message
doesn't exactly say,
it just keeps repeating.
Speak, you frail bitch!
Find the grape.
Find the grape.
Find the grape.
Find the grape!
- (shushes) Quiet, quiet.
- (music concludes)
- Is Milfonator fucking dead?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. What?
Where the fuck are your pants?
Dude, I told you
about my belt malfunction, bro!
- Okay, I'll follow.
- Miles Jr.: Oh, I'm sorry.
You didn't mention a thing
about the fucking belt.
Where the fuck are your pants?
Jack Jr.: Every time
I'm at the Milfonator's,
I also get a boner.
When I don't wear a belt,
my pants fall off.
Alice: They called me
the Queen of Petticoat Lane.
(chuckles)
- I guess I was in a way.
- (emotional music playing)
I remember I did wear
a petticoat once.
But the nickname
had already been attached.
So, I guess I was kind of
playing into it some.
(chuckles softly)
And I remember saying
right then and there...
"I was going to enjoy life."
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Come on, you a trailblazing
legend, okay?
I'm proud of you.
You taught us all to live life.
And I honestly can't even say
that I have.
You're one of the last
real cowboys on this earth.
I love you like a daughter.
Are you an angel?
No, ma'am.
I'm a Napa Boy.
You know what he meant
when he told us
he had that darn dream?
You must sleep now,
Miss Milfonator,
Queen of Petticoat Lane.
I guess everyone always said
if I wanted to be
a real reporter,
I'd have to become the story.
So, I guess
this is a good thing.
(coughs)
(breathes heavily)
I don't feel so good.
It's all right.
We will get you back
to the grape festival
in time, Mitch.
Oh, no.
- I'm a big dum-dum, Puck.
- Puck: No.
Why?
The berries are ruined.
My winery, bye-bye.
All is lost.
Disembodied female voice:
Find the grape.
Find the grape.
(gasps, munches) Hmm!
Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy.
Oh, my St. Algier.
Special magic berries. (laughs)
I took wine making
in grade school.
I know all about crystallizing.
Give it here.
It's rare in this climate,
but it can render
a pretty dope effect
on the vintage. (chuckles)
And sure, we use refrigerators
instead of a freak snowfall.
So, it's true.
You're all witches?
No, it's not magic.
It's science.
With a berry this dark,
the wine would be
classified as... (gasps)
As what?
It can't be.
Mitch: Can't be what?
- (chuckles)
- What are you smiling at?
What's the good news?
- What's happening?
- (music concludes)
It'd be good
to see the girls again.
Reporter: We are
just confirming details
that the Napa girls
are now dead.
The beloved counterpart
to the Napa Boys...
Hey, baby. What's going on?
The Napa girls are dead.
It's terrible.
(with reporter)
Their spaceship crashed
along the coast of Big Sur.
Napa girls are dead?
Feels like I'm in a bad dream.
- Got these for you.
- Thank you. (kisses)
Yeah, it feels like
I'm dreaming.
Um, uh, Loretta.
I texted you yesterday.
Loretta:
You cannot be serious right now.
I told you I needed
to take it slow
- from day one...
- Miles Jr.: But it is slow.
It is slow, Loretta.
Don't you understand?
we're just two people.
We're just two people
And you know what? Here I am,
and I fell in love.
And isn't that what
we're here for on this earth?
Not for texting
and taking it slow,
but for love and kisses.
I should have known
dating a Napa Boy.
The sign didn't say Napa men.
I am a man, Mommy.
- Oh, my God.
- Loretta! I said Loretta!
You texted her? I told you
to wait four days, pussy.
Shut the fuck up!
Don't talk to him
like that, you crybaby.
Yeah, he is a big crybaby.
He cried about his skateboard
the other day, too.
Loretta: Skateboarding?
You can't be serious.
I thought you were quitting
skateboarding, Miles Jr.
I can't believe I thought
I was gonna marry you.
Loretta! I made you a mix CD.
Oh, my God.
Look, look. (pants)
It's got special...
It's not just like famous songs.
(sighs)
You realize you're the same age
as they were in City Slickers?
(tender music playing)
Miles Jr.: Baby.
I'm young.
Squirm: Come now, kitties.
Come, my kitties.
Come, come, come.
Kitty, kitty, kitties.
Yes. Good. Very good.
Very good, kitties. Yes.
Aw. If it isn't little Miles Jr.
Get out of here, Squirm!
Get out of here?
No, I think not.
In fact, I'd rather
fuck my own sister.
Come to think of it, I just may.
Life is short
not to fuck your sister.
(stammers) You take your cats
and you get lost.
Miles, have you met my cats?
(kittens meow)
This cat's name is Amelia.
And this little kitty's name
is Miles Jr.'s
dead little daughter.
(groans softly)
Stifler's brother:
Watch it, Squirm.
(music concludes)
And for those of you
keeping score at home,
that's Squirm one,
Napa Boys zero.
- (emotional music playing)
- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a grape festival to win.
Sometimes I just wonder
if I'll ever make it
out of Napa Valley.
I'll take you far away
from here, baby.
I wish you were in love with me
the way Miles Jr. loves Loretta.
I am, so much more than him.
I'm the one who taught him
all that sappy stuff.
Sappy?
Sappy to the cynics
of the world.
I told you to get a divorce
is a sin in my culture.
Here. I want to show you this.
Look at all this stupid shit.
"Petite Brasserie"?
"Chateau Paris." These are all
French restaurants.
Guilty as charged,
I'm a baguette head,
- but I'm also a match head.
- You like to burn things?
Never. I keep them in case
the Gemini moon ever arrives,
- you silly goose.
- (distant fireworks)
- Fireworks.
- Wow.
The festival begins.
That must be the festival.
That's where we gotta head.
Happy birthday, Puck.
Puck: Thanks, Mitch.
A toast.
Here.
Here's to Puck's special wine.
Puck: Oh, careful.
You're spilling.
No, I like to decant it
with beard hair.
Not your dream birthday date,
I guess.
- What? Sure you are.
- (music concludes)
Really? But I can't even dance.
I told John I would do
a country dance with him
at the Great Grape Festival.
I can't even do a country dance.
Turn on that portable radio.
- ("Pennsylvania Polka"
by Frankie Yankovic playing)
- (indistinct chatter)
- (car horn honking)
- (tires screeching)
The Great Grape Festival.
Wow, look, even the mayor
of Napa's here.
See, Miles Jr.?
Everything's gonna be all right.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
- Nothing is all right.
- I'm talking about me for once.
I believe in something called
positive energy.
Meanwhile, you're here
with your negative, pussy-less,
wifeless energy,
I'm here sipping
delicious pinot grig,
plowing this smoking
hot blonde while my wife
- is home none the wiser.
- Your wife?
- (kisses) My wife?
- (chuckles)
Uh, out with the old,
in with the new, I always say.
Screw my wife.
Um, I'm trying to tell you
about how much
I love plowing her pussy.
- Don't you hear that?
- Miles Jr.: Turn around!
Turn around! Help me!
Oh, no.
Miles Jr., are you okay?
- Hi.
- Hey, honey.
Oh, my God.
How did you get here?
- You surprised me again.
- (chuckles)
- You always surprise me.
- I know.
Look at Miles Jr.,
asleep on the floor as usual.
Such a little bitch.
Now, it is time
for us to introduce
our super-secret celebrity
guest judge.
You're gonna wonder
how we got this guy here,
and I'll just say,
uh, we made him
an offer he couldn't refuse.
- (spits)
- Wilbur: Here he is,
the king of wine himself,
Francis Ford Coppola!
(crowd applauding)
Jack Jr.: Oh, my fucking God.
No, baby, baby, baby, baby,
baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
As I always tell
my beautiful daughter,
Sophia, Napa Valley
is the closest
earthly embodiment
of Caesar Catalina's vision
for Megalopolis.
- It's an amazing film.
- Of course it's a great film.
All of his films are great.
That's the problem.
Francis Ford Coppola
is my wife's one hall pass.
Gnarly.
You know, Trixie said
we would never need a hall pass,
because she would just
put me on it. But she died.
I make wine.
Stifler's brother:
Imagine competing for my wife
with Francis Ford Coppola.
I know, like I always say,
women are crazy.
Hey, yuck, not all of us are.
Francis: Who's ready
for the smooches?
(crowd applauding)
And one more thing, Tetro.
- She's gonna fuck him.
- Mm-mm.
- Maybe not.
- (music concludes)
(romantic blues music
playing over radio)
- Puck: Two and three.
- Mitch: Two and three.
- I'm a dancer. (chuckles)
- You're a natural.
Now, spin.
(both laugh)
I'm making you spin.
- (laughs)
- (coughs)
(spits, breathes heavily)
Oh, sorry.
You know... it's funny.
When you're a kid,
you just go to sleep.
A little regular style.
By closing your eyes and...
I don't know what you call that.
You just sort of...
Do they have a name for that?
A name for...
(whimsical music playing)
What am I going to do
about Francis Coppola
fucking my wife?
Miles Jr.: Are you crying?
Look, now, who's crying, right?
Now, who's crying?
I can't lose Monica, man.
I know I'm a bad person.
I know I cheated on her
and I do bad things,
but you know about flowers?
And you know about what music
to pick out?
Come on, give me
a writer's secret.
A Fabelman miracle?
Stifler's brother:
Come on, Miles Jr., think.
Help him think. His eye's wet.
Okay, hold on. Just hold on.
Let me think.
- Help me.
- Okay, I've got it.
I've got it. Just let go.
Okay.
Why don't you just go dress up
as Francis Ford Coppola
and then go fuck her
as Francis Ford Coppola?
(chuckles) As Francis...
This is why people love writers.
Miles Jr.... (kisses)
...you're a genius.
Hey, megalopolis heads.
(uplifting music playing)
I don't think I feel well,
Master.
We're almost there.
You're saving me.
(grunts)
(snake hissing)
Mitch: Oh, bother.
A snake bit my hand now.
- What?
- My hand, a snake bit it.
- Puck: Mitch, can you hear me?
- (groans)
- Look away now.
- Mitch: Okay.
Ow.
(sucks, spits)
Mitch: You don't have
to do that.
Thank you for taking
the poison out of me, Puck.
That's what Napa Boys do.
Francis, is that you? I'm ready.
Jack Jr.: Yes, Monica, it's me,
Francis Ford Coppola.
I made One from the Heart.
I want you to go Apocalypse Now
on this pussy.
Stifler's brother:
Look here, man.
I was just looking
through this law book.
It says that what Jack Jr.
is about to do
is still considered naughty,
man, even if it's your wife.
We got to stop him, man.
Come on.
- (muffled perky music playing)
- Robert Evans and I
had a lot of disagreements.
I also make wine,
and I'm not Jack Jr.
We got to stop him
before he does the naughty
with his wife.
I'm going to put
my penis twixt... (grunts)
Miles Jr.: Oh, yes. Hello.
It's me, Francis Ford Coppola.
Now, Miles Jr.
is going to fuck my wife.
He's not fucking her.
Yeah, but she's so wet for him.
You and Steven
and Brian and George.
Oh, shit. It's the real Coppola.
(groans)
I wanna fuck someone
who's not my husband.
Put it in me, Francis. Oh, yeah.
- Give it to me, Francis.
- Stifler's brother: Uh...
- I made The Godfather.
- (music concludes)
- (indistinct chatter)
- (crowd cheering)
commentator: This is a very
exciting tennis match here.
(uplifting music playing)
Otter!
Otter, my son! (laughs)
I'm never going to miss
another big game again.
But not just the big ones.
I'm not going to miss
a regular game either.
Kevin! Kevin!
This is so unlike you.
Oh, my God.
You're going to make me blush.
Blush. Go ahead and blush away.
You were right about everything.
I'm going to do everything
completely differently now.
Hello? Um, can I please speak
to my husband?
His name's Kevin.
Have you seen him around?
I turned down the call
of the amulet for you, Annie.
- For us.
- Annie: Kevin.
I've been praying to Jesus
that you'd come home soon.
I'm done with the Napa Boys.
It's time for me to be a man.
You know, I was sitting there
in that cave with everybody,
and I realized something.
They're grasping onto something
that doesn't exist.
Your best friends are great,
but I...
I have new best friends now.
It's my family.
- I'm choosing my family!
- (crowd applauding)
- I'm choosing my family.
- (music concludes)
Ooh! Whoa! Oh. (chuckles)
It is so exciting.
All right, folks, it's time
to announce the big winner.
Okay, if no one else shows up,
then we at the Napa Council
will have no choice
but to award Vintage of the Year
to the Squirm.
(crowd booing)
Go, Squirm
It's your birthday, go, Squirm
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mm-hmm. Ooh.
Now, uh, read my name
or my father
will have your head.
(chuckles)
All right, well, here we go.
The winner is...
- Squirm...
- Puck: Hold the proceeding!
(crowd gasping)
Wait!
Let's just say Mitch's Winery
is disqualified, yes?
Wilbur: Yes, most likely,
but not until...
(hopeful music playing)
It's a special Merlot.
No, I think you must be
mistaken, little boy.
- (chuckles)
- Yes.
Everyone knows there's
no such thing as a good Merlot.
Wilbur: I do think that,
but we do need to at least...
Squirm: No, come on.
Say the Squirm wins.
- Squirm wins.
- Patience, patience, young man.
Just give me a second here.
I have to go through the thing.
Once I have this taste,
then we know
I've given everybody...
And this one, of course,
is not...
Well, actually,
hold on a second.
It is not as... Mm. Mm-hmm.
Wow. I mean, well...
All right.
My duty as a judge requires me
to give an honest assessment.
And that assessment
is that this is...
It's good.
Dare I say?
It's the winner!
It's the winner! Come on!
- Yes! Yes!
- (crowd cheering)
Wilbur: Let's get
those cheers going!
(whines, cries)
Wine 'n' cheese! (laughs)
I have to stop you all.
Puck must come up,
for she is the true
berry finder,
the new leader of the Napa Boys.
Puck! (chuckles)
Puck, come up here!
("Pennsylvania Polka"
by Frankie Yankovic playing)
What? A girl main character?
A girl main character, indeed.
No!
For those of you keeping score
at home, Squirm one,
Napa Boys one. It's a tie!
- (crying) It's a tie!
- (song concludes)
See, Miles Jr., I told you
everything's gonna be all right.
(hopeful music playing)
As mayor of Napa City,
in the county
of Napa Valley,
I hereby present
to you most regally
the key to the city.
And this, a certificate
that shows you are now
officially a real reporter,
Puck.
Not that you really need it,
for you've had it
inside you all along.
Now, what do you have
to say for yourself?
If we shadows have offended,
think but this...
and party!
(crowd cheering, applauding)
Yay! Go, Puck! She's great.
That's... That's my intern.
- (music concludes)
- (crickets chirping)
Hey, Mitch.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Mitch: Hello, Greg.
- How you doing?
I, um, hope you understand.
We thought you were gone.
We had a funeral.
We sat and we toasted you
and the loss of our farm.
Poor sweet John
just had to move on, you know?
And besides, I think we'd been
feeling something.
Building that winery with you
was one of the greatest joys
of my life.
Sorry that love
works the way it does,
but I wish it didn't.
To the grape.
Stifler's brother: Hi, Mitch.
Some of us Napa Boys
are going out there
to Lookout Point to go
watch some fireworks.
You trying to roll?
The fireworks?
Yeah. (imitates fireworks)
You know?
- (pleasant music playing)
- (group laughs)
You know, I got to admit,
real or not,
The Sommelier exists
in all of our hearts
and brought us all together.
Yeah. Well said,
Stifler's brother.
And don't forget, I won
the Great Grape Festival,
- so, my winery will reopen.
- (group laughs)
Male teenager:
Yo, the OG Napa Boys!
Hey! (chuckles) Legends.
Jack Jr.: Hey,
it's the New Class.
Congrats on winning
the Great Grape, y'all.
- Yeah, seriously.
- Mitch: Thanks, Gracer.
Hey, Skylar,
maybe your Gutter Hooch
could win next year.
Oh, I wish. It'd be so cool.
Miles Jr.: There's five of us,
and there's five of them.
So, the New Class,
we're the New Class.
We're the class.
Miles Jr., I think
you better sit down.
Oh, Miles Jr.
You didn't take
your anti-anxiety medication.
This is Trixie's
extended release LSD.
- I'm sorry about him. (laughs)
- Gracer: Oh, it's okay.
- Don't even worry.
- You're the OG Napa Boys.
Yeah, OG Napa Boys.
We love you guys.
Hey, you New Class kids
are all right by me.
You New Class kids
are protectors
because you think I'm old.
New Class: No.
Yeah, you're, like, medium.
Yeah, young.
- Yeah.
- Miles Jr.: Because my wife
and my daughter, they died.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
We're really sorry, Miles Jr.
Miles Jr.: But I could try
to have a new kiss.
Maybe not over here,
but somewhere.
- But, yeah, in general.
- Yeah, in general, for sure.
Like, totally kiss.
Hey, New Class kids, pass a cup
of that Gutter Hooch to me.
(all laugh)
This hooch,
it's neither Pinot nor Merlot.
It's just, um, just fluid.
Could I have a cup
of that Gutter... Hooch?
- Yeah.
- Please.
- (laughs)
- Could you? Jack Jr.
Jack Jr.: Having a little dance.
What do you think, Jack Jr.?
Oh, damn! Damn!
Hey, yo, yo, no cap, I'd love
to watch the adventures
- of the New Class.
- We'll sign it up.
- The New Class.
- Thanks.
- Gracer: Younger.
- Have more money.
(all laugh)
Adventures that are similar
to the ones you went on,
- but new and updated.
- Jack Jr.: Oh, yeah.
- (music concludes)
- I have an announcement.
- Skylar: Okay.
- Puck,
I love you.
And since the moment I met you,
I knew you'd be my wife.
And in front of the New Class,
will you marry me?
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
(chuckles) He's on the pills.
She's never going
to fuck you, dude.
Just get over it.
You're fucking
embarrassing yourself.
Might want to let it harvest
the winter.
Exactly what I said,
Stifler's brother.
You never said that, Skylar.
- We're part of movie history.
- Skylar: Thank you.
They can't take
this away from us.
We're in it. We're in it.
Lawrence of Arabia?
- Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah.
- (group laughing)
Yeah, yeah.
We're Lawrence of Arabia.
Yeah. Movie history. (laughs)
- Miles Jr.
- Just like in the comics.
Hey, why was there cake
in the treasure box?
What the fuck was that?
I mean, what the fuck was that?
Wasn't it a Sommelier?
Hey, Miles Jr., check this out.
Look, look, look.
Look, look, look.
- It's Kevin.
- I'm choosing my family!
Miles Jr.: It's Kevin.
Someone uploaded this.
He's viral, man.
Kevin's settled down
with his family.
- He's really happy.
- Miles Jr.: He's viral.
It's something
you're never gonna be.
Okay?
I... Fuck Puck, man.
Male teenager: You know,
it's pretty awesome
to learn that the legends
about this place
are truer than true.
(tender music playing)
(laughs)
You're a New Class kid.
Why are you all alone?
We're having fun over there.
(exhales) Hey, what's wrong?
Okay, I'm a fucking nobody.
Who cares?
Hey, I don't like to hear that.
You're not a nobody.
I think you're pretty cool.
And I'm Jack Jr.,
so, I would know who's cool.
I guess it might be nice to talk
to somebody for once.
I'll help you out.
I went to Napa High, actually.
Yeah.
I guess I've been wanting
to tell somebody about,
um, my dream.
Yes, dreams.
God, this is what
we need more of, man.
Like, yes, dreams, dreams.
Let's talk about your dreams.
I'd love to hear that. Man.
My dream is...
to make my name known.
Yes, your name. (chuckles)
- What is your name?
- Prancer: Prancer.
That's a weird and cool name.
I think that name is awesome.
And yes,
I want it known everywhere.
I want everyone in Napa
to know the name "Prancer."
And I want to rectify
all the wrong that's been done
against me with bullets
as hot as the fucking sun, man.
- (chuckles, sniffles)
- What?
I want to light this bitch up.
I want to kill.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, don't say stuff like that.
That's not fucking cool.
The last cool thing
you could ever do
is shoot up the fucking school,
you incel piece of shit.
- It's...
- What are you talking about?
All I'm saying is, "Fuck off,
go away, go away, go away."
Yo, stop. All right?
I'm gonna go over there.
Do you know
those kids over there?
Who really knows anybody, man?
All right, just get the shit
out of your fucking head.
- Who really knows anybody, man?
- Jack Jr.: All right.
Very funny. Stop that shit.
(uplifting music playing)
- Hey!
- (sighs)
What's wrong, little friend?
- Mind if I have a little sit?
- Whatever.
Well, listen, don't be so sad.
What's your little name?
- Prancer.
- Prancer?
Prancer: Yeah.
- Prancer?
- Prancer: (chuckling) Yeah.
Prancer,
the Sitting Bridge Troll.
- (laughs, sighs)
- Yeah. (laughs)
God, you really changed
my mind about things.
- Miles Jr.?
- Oh, my...
I think you're going
to want to follow me.
- Come on.
- Um, just promise me, okay?
I will.
Follow your dream
no matter what.
Jack Jr.: Guys, something's
happening to the amulet.
- (echoes) Is it a portal?
- (grandiose music playing)
- Puck: Where are we?
- Portal?
- (eagle screeches)
- (all gasp)
- Are we in space?
- Come on now, buddy.
I may have brain damage,
but even I know
if we were in space,
we couldn't breathe.
Look, this way.
(dramatic music playing)
Group: The Sommelier.
Napa Boy rule number eleven.
"Always believe
in The Sommelier."
I believe you have
something of mine.
Oh! (chuckles)
(breathes heavily)
Here. Here, Mr. Sommelier.
Glad you received
my amulet's call, Miss Puck.
- Miles Jr.: My intern?
- Jack Jr.: See, Miles Jr.?
The Sommelier
had a plan all along.
This all happened
so Puck could discover
the only good Merlot
to ever exist.
Nice job, Puck.
- (group applauds)
- (Jack Jr. chuckles)
- Miles Jr.: Yeah.
- Mitch: Way to go, Puck.
Why, Sommelier?
Why have you asked us
to come all this way?
Jack Jr., care to explain?
- Yeah.
- J... Jack Jr.?
- (gentle music playing)
- Oh, my God. What the fuck?
Jack Jr.: I just wanted
the Napa Boys to go
on one last adventure.
That's right. Jack Jr. hired me.
I've been working
on his last will and testament
- this entire time.
- Thanks, man. (chuckles)
Yes, that's why Jack Jr.
hired Stifler's brother.
We love you, buddy.
We love you the most.
I know you love me the most.
All of these things are things
that I knew and planned for.
Jack Jr. versus the Big C.
I bet that's gonna make
a great comic book.
I... I...
(sobbing) I don't know.
It's just so funny
that you mentioned
cancer tonight.
"Funny"? Please explain.
Okay, I was talking
to this New Class kid,
and she had cancer
of the dream.
Because she kept saying,
"I... I'm not going to live
my ultimate dream,"
and I said,
"Always follow your dream
no matter what."
Was her name Prancer?
"Prancer?"
"Uh, hi, Santa, um..."
(exhales sharply)
"Santa, get the..."
I... I think
her name was Prancer.
("You Can't Hurry Love"
by The Supremes playing)
(car horn honking)
Miles Jr., you really fucked up
this time.
- Miles Jr.: No, right.
- Jack Jr.: I am going right.
Puck: Why did you tell
the shooter
to follow their dream?
Miles Jr.: Because
I didn't know it was a shooter!
Puck: Hey!
Stifler's brother: You're going
the wrong way, Jack Jr.
Jack Jr.: Will you please talk
one at a time.
- Puck: You missed the turn!
- Jack Jr.: What?
- (all scream)
- (tires screeching)
Stifler's brother: The reason
we're in this mess
- is you, Miles Jr.
- Miles Jr.: That is not true!
Jack Jr.: Look, we can all agree
it's Miles Jr.'s fault
that Napa High
is going to get shot up,
but now I need answers.
Where is Napa High?
(group screams)
Stop, stop! I can see her!
Right there! Right there!
Jack Jr.: Go, go, go!
Miles Jr., go, go!
(whimpers) Don't shoot!
- (Jack Jr. pants)
- Puck: Miles Jr.!
- Mitch: Wait! (pants)
- Puck: Over here!
No! No! No, there it is!
There's the shooter!
Jack Jr.: Fuck, we're too late!
Miles Jr.: Don't shoot her!
She's gonna shoot 'em!
Stifler's brother:
Don't shoot up your school!
(menacing music playing)
- (music concludes)
- Wait! That's the moose!
Oh.
That's no moose.
- Yes, it is. It's a moose.
- Oh, yes. It is, it is.
- (grunts)
- (pants)
- (moose grunting)
- (Prancer screaming)
- Oh.
- Damn. Get her.
- Get her, moose. Get her. Yeah.
- Stifler's brother: Ooh.
Now that's some good
old-fashioned Napa Boy karma.
Eh, Puck?
Aye. As The Merchant
of Venice taught us,
the truth will out.
Don't shoot up your school.
If there's anything
that ruins the vibe in America,
it's a school shooting.
That moose is slow dancing
with that troubled youth.
- (moose grunting)
- Is that a waltz?
I never thought I'd live
to solve the mystery
of whether a moose can waltz.
Hey, speaking of mysteries,
we never did solve the mystery
of who wrote F-slur
on my winery barrels.
- I'll admit it. I did.
- (chuckles)
Wait, I did too.
- What?
- I did too.
- (chuckles) Stifler's brother?
- Miles Jr.: We all did.
We all wrote it
so we could bond together
and bond through tragedy
because we're the Napa Boys
of friendship.
I mean, I guess it worked.
It really did work.
I did too, but I meant it.
Group: Squirm!
I always wanted to be
one of you Napa Boys.
- Really?
- Yeah, right.
- (Stifler's brother grunting)
- (grunts)
My favorite shirt!
(group laughing)
(cheering)
Oh, also, Kim's not my daughter.
- So, hey!
- Hey!
Jack Jr.: Yeah, isn't that good?
It's good, yeah.
But me and Monica
are adopting her.
Mitch: Hey, that's really nice.
Yeah, that's great.
To adventure.
To the adventure
and to the Napa Boys.
(triumphant music playing)
Jack Jr.: Now he's Zorro.
(all laughing)
Jack Jr.: I'm never going
to forget this adventure.
It's probably
my favorite adventure
- out of all of them.
- (group chuckles)
(all laugh)
Jack Jr.:
This is the best adventure!
Whoo!
Group: To Trixie! To Trixie!
(music concludes)
(gentle music playing)
(music concludes)