The Naughty Nineties (1945) Movie Script

Get yourself set
for a red letter day
The showboat's
comin'to town
It isn't here yet
but it's headin'our way
The showboat's
comin'to town
It's rollin'down the river
Rollin'down the river
Rollin'down the river road
Banjos are a-strumming 'cause
the showboat is comin'
Rollin'down the river road
Hello, Captain Sam.
Welcome to Ironville.
Howdy, Henry.
That little Susie?
Had to carry her on board
last time we played Ironville.
Wait till you see
my little gal.
And now I want you to meet
a new member of our company.
The greatest actor on the river and
our new leading man for the season,
Mr. Dexter Broadhurst!
I rolled over.
Well, here's the packet office.
Be on the next boat out of town.
Thank you for your generous
hospitality, Sheriff.
Just miss that river packet, and I'll
give you a taste of my hospitality...
in the cooler.
Our leading lady, Miss CarolineJackson,
will now sing "On a Sunday Afternoon. "
On a Sunday afternoon
In the merry month ofJune
Take a trip up the Hudson
or down the Bay
Take a trolley to Coney
or Rockaway
On a Sunday afternoon
You can see
the lovers spoon
They work hard on Monday
but one day that's fun day
Is Sunday after...
Stop that singing!
Get off this street. Go back
to the river where you belong.
You're ruinin'my business. Hey, you
can't talk to Miss Caroline like that.
Who says I can't?
I don't want any trouble
from you, shorty!
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Now, don't bother the young lady
while she's singing.
Now listen,
this is none of your...
It's none of my business.
You tell him.
Now, Miss,
will you please continue?
On a Sunday afternoon
You can see the lovers spoon
They work hard on Monday
but one day that's fun day
Is Sunday afternoon
Save it! That's only a sample of
what you're going to see tonight.
Captain Sam always gives you the cleanest,
finest entertainment on the river.
Bring the children.
Curtain goes up at 8:00.
We can kill time on the
showboat until the packet leaves.
Yes, we don't want
to miss that packet.
I've kept us two jumps
ahead of the sheriff so far.
Barely one jump
ahead this time.
Probably a tank town show. Better
than waiting here. Yeah, that's right.
Oh, Nell, I have
some good news for you, Nell.
Mr. Singleton
is going to buy my invention.
Hark.! 'Tis the train
rounding the bend.
Oh, sweetheart,
after I've sold this invention,
you will have silks and satins,
you'll have riches,
you'll have servants
and a home fit for a king.
Oh, Bill, I only want you.
That is riches enough for me.
'Tis the hoofbeats of my trusty
steed, bringing Mr. Singleton to me.
Bill, I'll leave you two men
to talk of business.
I must rush and tell Mother
the good news.
But I shall return.
Bye-bye, dear.
Ah, me lad, I've come
to invite you to the city...
where I can introduce to you
the delights of civilization.
No, Mr. Singleton.
No, no, no.
I'm a native of these parts,
and I belong here...
with my friends, in my mill.
Ah, this is my life.
This, uh... This, uh...
Will you get out of here? There's
a play going on. Get out! Out!
Uh, Mr. Singleton...
Will you get out?
Out. Yes.
Mr. Singleton, I... I...
Uh, Mr. Singleton...
As I said before,
no, no, Mr. Singleton.
I'm a native of these parts.
I belong here with my friends.
What have you got to make
you happy around these parts?
What have I got?
Why, here she comes now,
tripping over the threshold
like a little ray of sunshine.
Nell, I want you to meet
Mr. Singleton.
He's taking my invention
to New York with him.
As I said before...
Quiet. Uh, quiet.
Uh, Mr. Singleton...
Will you shut up? Will you
please shut up, Mr. Singleton?
Will you keep quiet?
Mr. Singleton, I said...
Come in.
Mr. Singleton...
I'll shoot you. I'll shoot
you, Mr. Singleton, so help...
Will you please
get out of here?
Mr. Singleton...
Psst. Psst.
Mr. Singleton...
Yes, yes, yes. I know!
The baby. The baby.
Go ahead. Go ahead!
Mr. Singleton... Ladies, will
you please keep your babies quiet?
Shhh. Shhh. Shhh.
Have a drink of milk, kid.
Oh, not out of the bottle.
Not out of the bottle?
Uh, Nell, I want you
to meet Mr. Singleton.
Shhh. He's taking my invention
to New York. Mr. Singleton...
- Mr. Singleton...
- Hat pin.
Mr. Singleton...
Mr. Singleton...
Here, here.
Look at the tears
on those little babies.
Don't cry,
because I get sad.
Ladies, you'll have to keep
those babies quiet.
Imagine what we could do
with a showboat like this.
It would be a gold mine. The yokels
would come on board to see the show.
And we could give them
five-card stud in the afterpiece.
Don't forget the dice game.
Don't forget the sheriff.
If the sheriff comes, we sail the whole
kit and caboodle into the next county.
Hold it. Here comes the
temporary owner of the showboat.
Pardon me, folks. I couldn't help
seeing you gettin' up and leaving.
I guess you're strangers. Hate
to think you didn't like the show.
Oh, but we loved the show.
We're leaving because we have to
catch the packet for St. Louis.
Oh, that old packet
won't leave for an hour.
Come on back with me.
You've time to see the olio.
Well, Crawford, get yourself
measured for sea togs now.
You ever get to St.
Louis, Captain? Oh, sure.
We're closing the River Queen end of this
week and coming to St. Louis for supplies.
Expect to be in the big city
a week or so.
I may remain in St. Louis
for some time.
I'd consider it an honor
if you'd call on me.
Why, Miss Farrel,
I'd be delighted.
Would you? Well, I'm giving a
party at the Gilded Cage Cafe.
Would it be too forward of me
to invite you?
Just say the night, ma'am.
What night will you arrive?
Monday night. Monday! What a coincidence!
My party was all set
for next Monday.
Oh, aren't we lucky? Captain Jackson
will arrive in St. Louis next Monday...
just in time for our party
at the Gilded Cage Cafe.
Fine. We'll try to make it
interesting for him.
Yes, like going over
Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Good night, Captain Jackson.
Good night, ma'am.
Until next Monday, then?
Until next Monday.
See you at the Gilded Cage.
The Gilded Cage.
I'd leave
my 'appy 'ome for you
You're the nicest man
I ever knew
If you take me andjust
break me in the business too
Ooh, I'd leave my 'appy 'ome
for you, you, you, you
I'd leave my 'appy 'ome
for you, oo-ooh
We never have anything like
this on the River Queen.
Huh. Well, here we are.
Now, listen.
See this? A little advance I
borrowed off of Captain Sam.
Hold that. Now we're going
in here, put on the dog.
You know, do as I do.
Come, m'lad.
That's a boy.
It's quite all right.
I'll be right back. Uh-uh-uh-uh.
You didn't say excuse me.
I beg your pardon.
That's just as good.
Come, let us check
our wraps.
Here, here, here.
Oh, you kid.
You tell 'em, upholstery.
You've got the stuff.
You tell 'em, ammonia.
You've got the spirit.
Those two monkeys from the showboat
want to see Captain Jackson.
We've got to keep them
out of the gambling room.
You take care of that ham actor, and
I'll have some fun with the fat one.
These gentlemen would like
to see Captain Sam Jackson.
Well, you see if he's here.
We'll entertain the gentlemen.
Of course.
Come, my little man.
It's awfully dark in here.
Oh, excuse me. Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, well!
Come on!
Nothin' helps.
That got it.
It's rather late for you
to be out, isn't it?
No, I don't think so. One day
last week I was out till 9:00.
Drinkin' too.
Drinkin' good!
I had three soda pops.
Boy, was I woozy!
Good too.
I'll never forget...
Your wine, sir.
Oh, the wine!
Thank you. I'll...
Wine! I don't drink wine.
It's just soda pop with more
bubbles. Oh, that's different.
If that's the case,
then I will pay for this.
Compliments of the manager.
All right.
Lovely show.
Wonderful show. I never saw a
show like this before in my life.
I think I'm gettin'
a Mickey.
Yes, ma'am.
Ohhh. Well...
Oh, just a minute, please.
Hello! Steve, old boy!
Mildred! Hello.
Drink up.
Got it again.
Drink up.
Thank you.
Oh, Steve!
Steve, old boy!
Tell me, how's everything
at the stockyard?
Ah. Winifred! How's your mother?
Your health.
Oh, Steve, old boy!
How is your father?
Oh. Well...
Gettin' awful tired.
Very sleepy. I...
Yes, you look tired.
You look tired.
There, there.
Oh. Oh, excuse me.
I-I must've dazed off.
Sonny, you should be careful
coming to places like this.
You might get your pockets
picked. Here's your watch.
Oh, shame on you!
Just a minute.
Here's your diamond pin.
Oh, thanks for the showboat
passes, Mr. Broadhurst.
And the gambling room is
right over there. Thank you.
Sorry, mister, but nobody gets
in here unless we know him.
Mr. Broadhurst, this place
is all full of crooks.
Oh, never mind that.
Captain Sam is in that room,
and we can't get in
unless somebody knows us.
I'll get us in.
My friend, what is the idea of you coming
out here and leaving us on the inside?
Did I do that?
You certainly did.
Then, come with me.
I'll go back in and get you.
Number 21.
Now, you stay here till
I find where I left you.
Hey, there's
Captain Sam over there.
Beats me.
I'll raise a hundred.
Here's your hundred.
That's your hundred.
I'll raise you a hundred.
Captain Sam, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
You promised never to gamble
again! Don't bother me.
Havin' a fine time. Good friends...
Miss Bonita and Mr. Crawford.
Go away, go away, go away.
You gentlemen might enjoy a
little roulette. This way, please.
Oh, put your arm down. I think
I'll take a fling at this thing.
Where's the money? My money,
yes. I got it right here.
Get it out. Is it all there?
I saved every bit of it.
Tens, twenties, yes.
Some fifties.
Several fifties, yes. Fifty, fifty,
fifty. Twenty, twenty, ten, ten.
What was that? Somebody
put a buck in there.
Give it to me. Let's get... No,
I said all of it. Oh, excuse me.
That's the idea. No, no,
no, no. Give me the bill.
That's the idea. I...
Give me that bill.
Put it in my hand like that
and leave it there.
Okay. That's better. Now we...
Pew, stop.
Now, it don't look nice chewing gum in
that suit. I'm chewing it in my mouth.
Well, skip it.
Here, buy us some chips.
Okay. Mister, we would like
to get some... There you are.
That's quick service. Here. Here's
some chips for you to play with.
And take it easy! I'll tell you what,
you play the same numbers I play.
I'll play number 20, and you
play 20 too. How can you do that?
Why not? We're gonna play the same number?
Same number.
You want me to play 22.
No, no. I'm gonna play 20. You play 20 too.
That's two different numbers. Let's
play the same number. Let's play 30.
All right. You play 30,
and I'll play 30 too. Okay.
No, no, no! Well, what do you want to do?
Let's play the same number. You can't
play 32 and me... What do you want to do?
Let's both play 33. All
right, here. Put it on 33.
On 33. 33. There it is. Number 33.
What are you doing?
Up on the board! Here's 33.
- Over there.
- Hm-hmm.
On the board!
What are you doing?
Come on, get down.
See here. See?
Come here, come here.
- Hey.!
- Oh! Thirty-three!
Win.! win.!
Twenty-six black
the winner.
The house wins.
Get your bets down.
Hey, wait a minute! What kind of a
ball is that? It's got the hiccups.
It was in thirty... Get your
bets down, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, we're
playing 33 again.
We win!
Wait. Thirteen black the winner.
Nobody on it.
The house wins.
Get your bets down,
ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, mister, we wanna
play 33 just once more.
This time
you're gonna get stuck.
- Thirty-three.! We win.!
- We win.
We win. Thirty-three.
Captain Sam, I think this place
is crooked. Let's get out of here.
That's right. I'll show you
to the door. Here we go again.
Open the door.
I hope that's
the end of that.
I didn't even get hurt.
Get out ofhere.!
Good evening, gentlemen.
Give me that money. Now, we've gotta
find some way of getting back in there...
and get Captain Sam out.
Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.
If we could scare everybody out of that
gambling room, we could save Captain Sam.
Come on.
I'll put the bearskin on.
You go into the gambling room...
and tell everybody to run for
their lives, the bear is loose.
Then I'll come in and
scare 'em all out. Okay.
I gotta keep playing.
It's gettin' awful fuzzy...
I can't see the cards
very good. Hmm?
Hey, everybody!
Run for the hills!
The bear is loose!
Come on!
Everything's all right, ladies and
gentlemen. Just keep on playing.
Get your bets down.
Did you people
hear what I said?
The bear's loose.!
Run for the hills.!
Mr. Broadhurst, I thought
you would never get here.
Go ahead, scare 'em.
Mr. Broadhurst, you look
like a real bear.
Oh, you even smell
like a real bear.
Come on. Cut it out.
Mr. Broadhurst, I don't
want any more of that.
Cut it out. Mr. Broadhurst, I don't
want you playin' around like that.
Look, Mr. Broadhurst...
Look, you forgot to brush
your teeth this morning!
Don't talk to me like a bear.
Talk real English.
Let me take the head
off you now, Mr. Broadhurst.
Let me take...
Mr. Broadhurst!
That's... Don't!
You're tickling me!
Now let me get the head off.
Where's the head?
Take it easy.
Hiya, Dexter.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm trying to take
the skin off you.
He never got me.
There you are. Now get back on
those lines. Let's raise this drop.
Okay, Mr. Broadhurst. That's swell. I...
Now wait a minute. What are you going
to do? What're you doing out here?
Mr. Broadhurst, Captain Sam said
that if I could learn this song,
he might let me
sing in his show.
And that if I can act good enough, he'd
give me a chance in Uncle Tom's Cabin.
All right. But don't bother me,
please. Okay, Mr. Broadhurst.
All right.
My Bonnie
lies over the ocean
Try it to the left.
Yes, sir.
My Bonnie lies over...
Try it to the right.
Yes, sir.
My Bonnie lies over...
And lower it a little.
My Bonnie lies over...
My Bonnie lies over...
Still not low enough.
My Bonnie...
Uh, get low enough
to touch the floor.
My Bonnie...
No, no, no, no. You better
try it a little higher.
Go ahead.
My Bonnie...
My Bonnie lies...
My Bonnie...
My Bonnie lies over...
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Lift up the right leg.
That's it.
My Bonnie...
Now lift up
the left leg.
My Bonnie... Now pull up both legs.
My Bonnie... Uh, bring it forward a little.
Forward a little more.
My Bonnie lies...
Can you go forward one more foot? Yes, sir.
My Bo...
Can I come? All right, bud. Come along.
are always welcome.
You wait here a minute,
dear. I'll be back soon.
Why, Captain Jackson,
how nice.
I do believe you've
come to welcome us.
What are you doing here,
Miss Farrel?
Don't you remember?
We're your partners.
What are you talking about?
Partners in what?
We're partners
in the River Queen, miss.
We own three-quarters
of your showboat.
That's impossible.
Have you forgotten?
You signed notes
for $15,000.
You were cutting up your boat into small
pieces, and gambling it away bit by bit.
Hey. Hey, Sebastian,
come here.
There's those
St. Louis gamblers.
Captain Sam
must be in trouble.
And it's up to you to keep them off
the boat. St. Louis gamblers, huh?
There they are. They may be
tough on their own territory.
But they're on my territory now. I'm
a pretty tough fellow. Now, don't...
I'm a bad hombre. I know,
but take it easy with 'em.
I'm gonna help Captain Sam. That a boy.
'Cause I'm true blue.
That a boy.
I'm afraid of nobody. I
know, but take it easy.
Don't get excited!
It's dead.
Captain, we'll make a very
reasonable business arrangement.
The River Queen wouldn't be the
same without Captain Jackson.
We won't make any changes.
Except to add a couple of rooms
where your customers can gamble,
if they insist.
I can't let you run your
crooked gambling on my showboat.
I've operated honestly, given
good, clean shows for 20 years.
Don't get excited. All you have to do
is pay us $ 15,000, and then we'll leave.
Meanwhile, we'll disturb you
as little as possible.
Well, if we're all going to
be shipmates, let's enjoy it.
See you on board.
Please, you can't
take over our showboat.
The River Queen isn't just a piece
of property to be won or lost.
It's unfortunate,
but it's the luck of the cards.
We'll pay you back
everything Captain Sam owes.
With interest. We'll send
it to you in St. Louis.
I'm sorry, Miss Jackson, but I don't think
Miss Farrel would be swayed by sentiment.
But couldn't you
do something?
Why should I?
Hold it right there,
and listen to what I got to say.
He who harms a board on this
old deck, dies like a dog.
And pass the word along!
- You're talkin' to
Dead-Eye Sebastian.
You see those
chicken hawks up there?
Watch this, brother.
Right between the eyes.
Wait till you see this next
shot. This one will be a lulu.
Two shots.
Three birds.
Here we go again.
You missed.
Went around a corner
after that one. Watch this.
Scared the feathers
off of that one, didn't I?
Now listen, I've had enough
out of you two.
Now get off the boat, because the boat
ain't big enough for the two of us!
So I'll get off.
Come here!
From now on,
keep outta my way!
Why, you!
If I had my guns here...
I've been robbed.
I know I...
Oh. Why, you...
Let me tell you somethin'.
If I only had more bullets in these
guns, I'd scare the pants right off him.
I made a fine mess of things.
And the worst part of it is...
my friends have to pay
for my folly.
Look at 'em come, laughing and
happy that the River Queen's in town.
They're walking
right into a trap.
Isn't there some way
we can warn them?
No. Miss Farrel would take over the
River Queen and operate it herself.
We're not licked. As long
as we own a part of the boat,
we've got a good chance
to get them out.
Nora Malone, call me by phone
Number 1234-Main
Don't forget the number
while you slumber
Open your eyes, when you arise
you'll hear the blarney
Of your Barney Carney
from Killarney
Colleens are few
There's none like you
In the old town of Athone
Musha, wurra, wurra, wurra
Old Erin's isle
could not make me smile
Without Nora Malone
Mr. Sebastian, would you hand me one
of those pot holders, please, sir?
Here you are, Sam.
This one broke open. The feathers is
comin' out. I'll get you another one.
Yes, sir.
Put it right here.
Pick it up, pick it up!
That's hot!
Excuse me, sir.
Burny, burny.
Ever since them gamblers
took over the River Queen,
we ain't been doin' nothin'
but serving 'em drinks...
and then serving 'em coffee
to sober 'em up.
Mr. Sebastian, you better
hurry up with that cake...
'cause they'll be callin'
for it 'most any time now.
Right. Right.
Ooh! Twenty past!
I'm gonna get late.
Shh. Shhhh!
Coffee, gentlemen?
Have some. I baked it myself
with my own little white hands.
Come on.
We're making a new deal this
time, fellows. Let's play it.
All set. Coming up for
a new deal this time.
This they gotta like.
Made it myself.
- Shoot five!
- Faded!
What are you crying about?
I'm not crying.
It's a gala night. People in the
gambling room are having a wonderful time.
They look the same when
they've been drinking too much.
Only tomorrow morning, they'll
have much worse than a headache.
Nobody asks them to gamble. We just set
up the tables, and they fight for seats.
They crowd in
to give us their money.
Because they think anything about
the River Queen is fair and honest.
Even gambling. I think the three
of you are nothing but river rats.
Take me out
to the ball game
Take me out
with the crowds
Buy me some peanuts... Peanuts!
Popcorn! Peanuts! Popcorn!
Get your packages of
CrackerJacks here! CrackerJacks!
Will you keep quiet,
Sebastian! Excuse me, please.
Sebastian, please,
don't interrupt my act.
I didn't see the lights.
I forgot about 'em.
What are you doing?
Why interrupt my act?
Look, Mr. Broadhurst,
if you're in a ball park,
they always sell
peanuts and popcorn.
I know that, but not in front of...
I beg your pardon, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you
excuse me for a minute, please?
What do you wanna do?
Look, Mr. Broadhurst...
What are you doing?
I love baseball.
We all love baseball. Will you tell
me the guys' names on the team...
so when I see them in that St. Louis
ball park, I'll know those fellows?
Well, now... Is it all
right, folks? All right.
I wanna find out the fellows'
names. As long as it's okay...
I'm crazy about baseball. Will you
stand still? Go pick up your hat!
Then you'll go peddle your popcorn
and don't interrupt the act anymore?
Yes, sir. Strange as it may seem,
they give ballplayers peculiar names.
Funny names? Nicknames. Pet names.
Not as funny as my name... Sebastian
Dinwiddle. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Funnier than that? Whoo!
Oh, absolutely, yes.
Now, on the St. Louis team,
we have Who's on first,
What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third...
I want you to tell me the names of
the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Who's on first, What's on
second, I Don't Know's on third...
You know the fellows' names? Yes.
Well then, who's playing first? Yes. Who.
The fellow playing first base. Who!
The guy on first base.
Who is on first.
Well, what are you
askin' me for?
I'm telling you.
Who is on first!
I'm askin' you who's on
first. That's the man's name.
That's whose name? Go
ahead and tell me. Yes. Who.
The guy on first. The first
baseman. Who! Who is on first!
Have you got a first baseman? Certainly.
Then who's playing first? Absolutely.
When you pay off the first baseman
every month, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it. And why
not? The man's entitled to it.
Who is?
So who gets it?
Why shouldn't he?
Sometimes his wife
comes down and collects it.
Whose wife?
Whoo! After all, the man earns it.
Who does?
All I'm tryin' to find out is,
what's the guy's name on first base?
No. What is on second base. I'm
not askin' you who's on second.
Who's on first. That's
what I'm tryin' to find out.
Don't change the players around. I'm not
changin' nobody. What's the guy's name?
What's the guy's name
on second base.
I'm not askin' you who's
on second. Who's on first.
I don't know. He's on third.
We're not talking about him.
How did I get on third
base? You mentioned his name.
If I mentioned the third baseman's
name, who is playing third?
No, Who's playing first.
Stay off of first, will you?
What do you want me to do? What's
the guy's name on third base?
What's on second. Who's
on first. I don't know.
He's on third. There I
go, back on third again.
Well, I can't
change their names.
Will you please stay on
third base, Mr. Broadhurst?
Please, now what is it
you want to know?
What is the fellow's
name on third base?
What is on second base. I'm
not askin' you who's on second.
Who's on first.
I don't know.
Third base. Whoo! Third base.
You got a outfield?
Oh, sure.
St. Louis has got a good
outfield? Absolutely.
The left fielder's name? Why.
I don't know.
I just thought I'd ask.
Well, I just thought I'd tell
you. Who's playing left field?
Who is playing first.
Stay out of the infield!
Don't mention any names. What's
the fellow's name on left field?
What is on second. I'm not
askin' you who's on second.
Who is on first.
I don't know.
Third base.
Third base.
Take it easy, man. And
the left fielder's name?
Oh, he's center field.
Pick up your hat, please.
Pick up your hat
and stop this...
Mr. Broadhurst.
You got a pitcher? Wouldn't this
be a fine team without a pitcher?
I don't know. Tell me the
pitcher's name. Tomorrow.
You don't wanna tell me today?
I'm tellin' you. Tomorrow.
What time?
What time what?
What time are you gonna tell me
who's pitching? Who is not pitching.
Who is on... I'll break your
arm if you say who's on first!
Then why did you ask me? I wanna
know what's the pitcher's name!
What's on second.
I don't know.
Third base.
You got a catcher?
The catcher's name?
And Tomorrow's pitching.
Now you've got it.
St. Louis has got a couple of days
on the team. Well, I can't help that.
All right.
What do you want me to do?
Got a catcher?
I'm a good catcher too,
you know? I know that.
I would like to play for the St.
Louis team. I might arrange that.
I would like to catch.
I'm being a good catcher.
Tomorrow's pitching, and I'm catching. Yes.
Tomorrow throws the ball,
and the guy up bunts. Yes.
When he bunts the ball,
me being a good catcher,
I wanna throw the guy
out on first base.
So I pick up the ball
and throw it to who?
That's the first thing
you've said right.
I don't even know what I'm talkin'
about! That's all you have to do.
Throw it to first base?
Now, who's got it?
Who has it?
Now you've got it.
I pick up the ball and throw it
to Naturally. No, to first base.
Then who gets it?
All right.
I throw the ball to
Naturally. You throw it to Who!
Naturally. Well, that's
it. Say it that way.
That's what I said.
You did not.
I said I throw the ball to
Naturally. You throw it to Who!
So I throw the ball to first
base, and Naturally gets it.
No, you throw the ball to
first base! Then who gets it?
That's what I'm saying!
You're not saying that. I'm
sorry, friends. Excuse me, folks.
I throw the ball to
Naturally! You throw it to Who!
Well, say it that way.
That's what I'm saying! Don't get excited.
I throw the ball to first
base... Then Who gets it.
He better get it! All right.
Now, don't get excited.
Hmm. I throw the ball
to first base,
whoever it is grabs the ball
so the guy runs to second.
Who picks up the ball
and throws it to What.
What throws it
to I Don't Know.
I Don't Know throws it back
to Tomorrow. A triple play.
Yeah, it could be. Another guy gets
up and hits a long fly ball to Because.
Why? I don't know.
He's on third,
and I don't care!
What was that?
I said, I don't care!
Oh, that's our shortstop.
Three nines.
Kings full.
Nobody could win that often
without cheatin'.
That's the last straw.
I had to stand by and watch you
put gambling on my showboat.
Then it was cheating.
Now it's gunplay.
This isn't a boomtown barroom.
It's the River Queen.
It's just a scratch, boys.
Go on with your games.
Let me by with this
load of catfish.
Not unless I gets
my share of them cats.
Move out o' the way, sister.
Mr. Sebastian
is calling for food.
That Miss Farrel's cook Effie
is hogging up the pantry.
But I'll get you
some chopped meat.
Get outta my kitchen, you ornery
cat, or I'll chop you to cat burgers.
Hey! Did you hear what he said?
He's gonna make cat croquettes.
Oh. Where are you going?
Sit down! Gotta eat something.
Yeah, but not anything.
Will you sit down?
Scat outta here!
Scat! Scat! Scat!
You take care of that cat, and
I'll take care of this catfish.
Scat outta here, I tell you!
Sure is wonderful cat.
I'm gonna eat some of that.
You gonna eat a whole cat?
Mr. Broadhurst,
let's get out of here.
You can't walk out...
when the man is cooking
something special for you.
Take it easy, take it easy.
What are you excited about?
You'll enjoy it.
I thought you said you were hungry.
Yeah, but I'm not that hungry.
Oh, sit down.
Those poor kittens.
Why worry about them?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I gives good
service, sir. Mm-hmm.
Here's your bread,
and here's your chopped meat.
Mmm, smells good! Sure is. It's the cats.
What are you doing?
What's the matter
with you?
All right, take it easy.
Take it easy.
Boy, they look delicious.
Go ahead, help yourself.
Here's your milk, gentlemen. Thank you.
Go ahead and eat!
Do I have to?
Well, certainly.
What do you think
they're there for?
Are you gonna like yours? Well,
look at 'em. They're delicious.
They were cute.
What's the matter?
Did you hear anything?
Certainly not.
Nothing at all?
You want some catsup?
Catsup. Catsup.
Take that out of your mouth.
You don't eat that!
What do you think they're
there for? Now go ahead and eat.
What are you doing?
Nice pussy cat.
What's the matter?
What's wrong with you?
Well, keep quiet
and eat your meal.
Look, you haven't
touched them at all.
There's nothing wrong with
that meat. Look. Wonderful meat.
Now go ahead, dig in.
What's the matter?
It's delicious.
That's right.
Will you stop that?
What are you... Now just...
Wait a minute.
I didn't mind you playing show with
your silly Mississippi melodramas,
as long as you didn't
interfere with me.
I won't stand by and watch you turn the
River Queen into a Barbary Coast den.
You haven't seen
anything yet, Captain.
I'm taking over this boat
from stem to stern.
I'm making
a lot of changes.
If you want to stay aboard...
you and your whole crew...
just do as you're told,
otherwise get out.
As soon as we pay off those
notes, we'll throw you off.
Sure you will, honey. But in the
meantime, stick to your play acting.
I'm busy. Let's get out of here, Caroline.
You know, Sebastian, if we had $15,000,
we could pay off those crooked gamblers.
Mr. Broadhurst.
Maybe you don't know this,
but they are playing for keeps.
Well, certainly.
I know that.
What are you using for bait? Apple.
You're supposed to use a
worm. The worm is in the apple.
Go ahead. I'll show you some fancy fishin'.
Can't catch anything with
that. Oh, yes, you can.
What'd you get?
You get one?
Well, bring him in. Don't be afraid
of it. It's my fish, ain't it?
All right, go ahead. Why are
you tellin' me to bring him in?
Don't get tangled up
in my line.
Go ahead, break the boat.
Go ahead.
Bring him in.
Let me see him.
Oh, boy, is that a dandy.
Take it easy now.
That a boy.
All right,
that's number one.
I'm gonna throw this one over and
use it for bait and catch bigger fish.
Are you crazy?
That's a big fish.
Don't throw it over.
Aw, look at you. Man, you
are crazy. Who's crazy?
Throwing a big fish...
What've we got?
Get ahold of him.
All right. Get ahold of him.
Let me see it.
What in the world
have you got on the end...
You've got the anchor down
there. Bring him up. Bring him up.
That a boy.
Look at the size of...
Hold him down.
Don't fight with him.
I think I just caught his kid brother
before. Everything's all right.
Put him down there. Don't
fight with him. Okay.
Know what I'm gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Throw him over.
What for?
For bait.
Catch a big one.
What are you trying to do?
Throwing a big fish
like that overboard.
Aw, sit down.
Let's see what happens now.
I came here... Now what've you
got? Look what I've got now.
Careful he don't
pull you in now.
Get him up.
Oh, that must be a dandy.
Get him up. Give me that.
Bring him up.
All right, bring him up.
Give me that.
There, you got him.
Hold on to him now.
Ooh. Boy. Boy, he's a dandy.
Hey, don't lose that one.
I'm gonna bait this one up
and throw him over.
Are you crazy? I'm gonna
catch a bigger fish.
I told you not to...
Mr. Broad...
Mr. Broadhurst!
Hold on, Sebastian.
Grab the rope.
Hook it onto your belt.
That a boy.
Come on, Sebastian. Hold on.
Hold on, Sebastian.
That a boy.
I figure this town is good
for about three more weeks.
There you are. There you are.
Give me your hand now.
That a boy. Hold it. Hold it. Are
you all right, Sebastian? Yeah. Hey.
What? Bailey's cabin is right below.
I can hear every word he's sayin'. Yeah?
Let me down easy. All
right. Take it easy now.
We'll work our way
down to New Orleans,
and by the time we arrive we'll be able
to open the finest place in Louisiana.
Got a head on those beautiful
shoulders, Miss Bonita.
We've made a lot of money
on this showboat, Miss Farrel.
Why don't we give the boat back to
Captain Sam and go on to New Orleans?
Because Captain Jackson's
reputation for honesty...
is our biggest
stock in trade.
Mr. Crawford, if I were you, I'd stop worrying
about that silly old goat and his daughter.
As long as we got
these notes,
we've got him
right where we want him.
What's the matter?
I must be seeing things. I just saw this side
of my face staring at me with lather on it.
You usually have
your nightmares at night.
Now you're having them
in the daytime too.
Pour yourself
another drink.
Guess I must've been
Ooh! What's the matter? What's the matter?
Now listen.
Captain Sam's notes
are in Bailey's wallet.
We've got to locate them.
What are you talkin' so hoarse
for? Never mind that. Keep quiet.
Well, come on.
No noise.
Ooh! Oh!
Is he awake?
No. Put that candle up.
Shh. Take it easy. Now, let's find those
notes. That's what we've got to locate.
Mr. Broadhurst.
Look in here and see if
anything's in there. Ahhh.
Never mind that. Sometimes
you find them in books.
Look over there. Look over there. Go ahead.
Don't make any noise!
Hey, shall I make sure
he's asleep?
Yeah, go ahead. Make
sure he's asleep. Okay.
Go ahead. Hey!
Not that way!
It won't hurt much. Yeah,
but you'll wake him up.
Put that down.
Load the guns, men.
Sound the bugle.
Call the general.
The Indians are attacking.
He's having a nightmare. Don't
wake him up, or he'll murder us.
I'm surrounded...
with Indians.
Ahhh. I see you,
hiding behind that tree!
No. No.
I wanna see the Indians.
Shut up!
There you are. Now I've got
you. Don't push. Don't push.
Now I've got you, you pesky
little rat! Don't push! Look out!
Shh! Shh! Tryin' to pull a
bow and arrow on me, were you?
Shhh! Tryin' to... Bite
the dust, you varmint!
Quiet. I must tell this to the general.
Don't wake him up.
Where? Where
did the little Indian go?
Don't tell him. Don't
tell him. Don't tell him.
Ahhh. Ahhh.
Shh. Shh. Tryin' to fool with me, were you?
Come out of there, you...
Come out of there!
Come out of there! Tryin'
to pull a tomahawk on me!
Quiet. Quiet. Maybe this
will teach you a lesson!
Don't wake him up.
Don't wake him up.
Shhh. This I must tell to the general.
It's all right, it's all right.
Here's your hat.
Shh. Don't go away.
Indians. Take it easy. Take it easy.
Indians. Where... Where
is that little Indian?
I've lost him again.
There he is.
There! Now you...
Come out. Come out!
Shh. Quiet. Come out, wherever you are.
Get up! Get up, you Indian! Shhh.
Get up! No, no, no. You'll wake him up.
Don't wake him up.
Hold still.
This I must tell
to the general.
Don't wake him up.
Get the wallet.
Get the wallet.
You get it. Go ahead.
You want me to get hurt?
No. Well, go ahead. Get the wallet.
Don't wake him up.!
Go ahead, get the wallet.
It's under the pillow.
Go ahead. Under the pillow.
Under the pillow!
Go ahead.
That a boy.
Go ahead.
Go ahead!
Now I've got you!
Now I've got you!
Tell that to the general.
I can't get you
Out of my mind
My one thought is you
And somehow I find
That I can't keep you
Out of my dreams
You're here, you're there
you're everywhere
Or so it seems
I can't get you
Out of my heart
You're right there to stay
And though we're apart
You left so many
Memories behind
That I can't get you
out of my mind, no
I can't get you
Out of my
Caroline, I liked
the words to your song.
I can't get you
out of my mind.
Do you think
Miss Farrel would approve?
I meant to tell you
about that...
about how I woke up one
morning with a nasty headache,
owing Miss Farrel a lot of
money, just like your father did.
I've been working
for her ever since.
Why don't you
do something about it?
Maybe I will.
Hello, Avery.
Good evening, Sam.
Everything's fixed. Go over to the
table with Dexter and watch for his sign.
All right,
make your plays, gentlemen.
Ride with the winner.
Twelve. The loser.
I mean seven, the winner.
All right, boys.
Looking for a new point.
Snake eyes. You lose.
I mean seven. You win.
Something's going wrong. Yeah?
Crowd's breaking the
house at number two table.
Number two? That's impossible.
Those dice are loaded.
All right, gentlemen.
Place your bets.
There's the dice rolling, and
they're coming out for point... seven.
You win.
All right,
place your bets.
Wait a minute!
Hold the dice!
What's going on here?
Ohh! You!
What have you
been doing under there?
Hey! Do you see that?
How many, please?
Two, ple...
Thank you.
Aaah! No! No! No!
Mr. Broadhurst,
did you call me?
Throw me a life saver!
Throw me a life saver.!
Throw him a LifeSaver.
Hmm. Okay.
Here you are!
Catch it!
What you did tonight
ran all the chumps away.
Captain Sam,
we can't go on together.
One of us has got to leave. It won't be me.
I'll give you $5,000 for your
share. Not for five million.
Then, suppose we leave it
to the cards?
One hand of open poker,
winner take all.
Hmm. What chance would I have
against a pack of cardsharps?
Go ahead.
All or nothing.
I shuffle, I take the first card
and it's all in the open?
All right, Mr. Crawford,
cut them once for luck.
Queen of spades.
Eight of hearts.
Jack of diamonds.
Five of hearts.
Ten of spades.
Queen, Jack, ten.
Possible straight for you.
Four of hearts.
King, spades.
The King, hearts.
That's the fourth heart.
Nine of diamonds. I made it!
I filled my straight.
If you draw a heart, your
heart flush beats my straight.
It's a spade.! We've won.!
We own the River Queen again.!
So you slipped us a cold deck
just because of a dame, huh?
Ohhh! Oh!
Come on! Come on!
Get him! Come back!
Open the door, or I'll bust
it.! He can't. Don't worry.
Look out! Look out!
Look out!
Now I've got you!
Ow! Ow! Help!
Hey! Hey! No!
Hey, let me down!
Don't pull on me!
Come on!
No! No! No!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Look out!
Come on!
Which way?
Here, give me that!
Come on!
This way!
Come on!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Open that door!
Open that...
Open that door!
Let me in that door!
Where'd he go?
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, fellows.
Let him go first. He's
chasing me. All right.
Which way did he go?
Why get in my way?
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. I've got
an idea. Come on. Come on.
I'll wait here in the corner, you go let them
chase you around and leave the rest to me.
Go ahead.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Never mind him.
Go get another one. Get
another one. I want business.
Get another one!
Come on.
Hey! Come on, come on!
That a boy. Nice work.
Nice work. Now let's make
it three straight. Okay.
Okay. Pick that up.
Go ahead. Hurry up.
Get him, Dexter!
Now I can relax
a little bit.
What'll I do with him? Let me
at him. I'll beat him to a pulp.
Leave me alone.
I'm gonna tear you up.
All right, get in.
Little Eva's
goin' to heaven
Heaven, heaven
Goin' to heaven
on judgment day
She's climb, climb
climbin' up to heaven
Heaven, heaven
She's climb, climb
climbin' up to heaven
She's goin' up
She's goin' up
To heaven
Climbin' up to heaven
Little Eva's goin'up
To heaven I think I went
in the wrong direction.