The Oh in Ohio (2006) Movie Script
Breathe from your pelvis,
and meditate on the movement of water.
Raise your Swadhisthana chakra.
This is the sexual center of your being.
-Wayne.
-What do you call a lawn without a pool?
Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools
in the Greater Cleveland area...
...since 1976.
Our service is classy,
and the pools are definitely splashy.
So take the yawn out of your lawn
and call me today for a free estimate.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
That water is fine.
"Dear Mr. Knudsen...
...I was delighted to hear of your company's
interest in relocating to Cleveland.
Over the last decade,
our city has transformed itself...
...from a decaying industrial town
into a vibrant, world-class metropolis.
What was once
'the mistake by the lake' ...
...is now 'the roar by the shore."'
Do you know how many times
I've typed this letter?
No, but you do.
One thousand four hundred
and eighty-two times.
How sad is that?
Oh, check this out.
It says here that 30 million American
women suffer from sexual dysfunction.
-Can you believe that?
-What do you mean by sexual dysfunction?
As in, no payoff.
Oh, I thought you meant something weird,
like a physical abnormality.
You don't think 30 million women
is weird?
We're talking about a chronic failure
to achieve orgasm.
Think they could write
about something important.
You don't think orgasms are important?
I'd shoot myself if I couldn't come.
Thirty million women would
shoot themselves if they couldn't come.
Hey, teacher. You forgot your sandwich.
Nice performance, Jack.
-Good impression on the kids.
-Hey, blow me.
You know, I'm worried about you, Jack.
You used to be the most popular teacher
in Carmen High.
And now look at you. You're a shithead.
-You think it might be depression?
-Why would I be depressed?
I'm a biology teacher
in the Cleveland public school system.
Well, beside being the football coach,
I'm also the school counselor this year.
So if you have any problems,
I'm here to hear.
-Who taught you that?
-I did. You like it?
It sucks.
I know it's hard to reach out,
but you need help, Jack.
You wanna help me? Pass the steroids.
You know, I don't really believe
in all this depression stuff.
I mean, it's very simple.
There are men and there are babies.
And you, you're a baby.
I mean, every night, you go to bed with
the most magnificent woman in Cleveland.
I mean, that'd be enough
to make any man happy.
Good talk, coach.
I mean, sure would make me happy.
I mean, it would.
-I'm sure you can guess why we're here.
-No way.
That's right. Yamaguchi Industries
decided on Cleveland...
...and they're bringing 400 jobs.
Quite an achievement,
considering the recession.
Congratulations, Miss Vice President.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
You can't really be surprised.
So how much is the raise?
I've got a lot of really
creative employees, Priscilla.
And you know what?
They're a dime a dozen.
But you're a rare breed.
You're creative,
and you're predictable.
So awesomely, unbelievably predictable.
And that's the quality I prize most.
Yo, why are we wasting time
with this textbook?
I could write this textbook.
-It's a college-level textbook.
-Yeah, junior college.
You wanna learn something now?
I thought you knew everything.
All right.
-Where'd you get it?
-The cafeteria.
I need a volunteer.
You're all so eager. All right, who can
name the subspecies it belongs to?
Right.
-G. pardalis babcocki.
-That's absolutely right.
-Well done....
-Kristen. Kristen Taylor.
Right, Kristen. Come on up here, Kristen.
Hey, Garbin. Wake up.
Kill those lights for me, would you?
I want the rest of you
to take some notes.
Garbin, kill the lights.
All right, can you properly identify
each portion of the shield?
Sure. Over here's the marginal...
-...then the pygal, the costal...
-Right. Yeah.
...the vertebral and....
The nuchal. N-U-C-H-A-L.
Some people say "nuchal,"
other people say "nuchal."
I say "nuchal," but that's because
my people are from Russia.
Nuchal.
I got a promotion.
I'm a vice president.
Really? Way to hustle.
Come on, Jack. Be happy for me.
Yeah. We could do stuff.
We could maybe even get a pool.
-I don't want a pool anymore.
-Why not?
I don't want my belly
offending the neighbors.
Here's to me. Congratulations, Priscilla.
Here's to you.
Congratulations.
Do you have any idea
what your frigidity has done to me?
It's called sexual dysfunction.
I'm sorry. Do you have any idea what
your sexual dysfunction has done to me?
No? Let me tell you.
You marry the prettiest girl in Cleveland,
and you think:
"All right. Everything's going my way.
I mean, all right, we have this one
little thing, but we can deal with it."
I mean, you know that joke, right?
How do you make a woman come?
Who cares?
Well, after 10 years of failed fucking....
God, 10-- How many times
you suppose that is?
We've had sex 1482 times,
not including this morning.
Well...
...all my failure begins to take a toll.
I mean, look at me. Am I really
the man you thought I'd become?
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
-What the hell are you doing?
-Jack left. He moved to the garage.
He says it's because
I have sexual dysfunction.
He said that?
-What an asshole.
-No, it's true.
I'm one of 30 million nonexistent
American women with sexual dysfunction.
When was the last time
you were functional?
Sexual dysfunction, as in never in my life.
-You've never had an orgasm?
-No.
Wow, that's just so weird.
What about masturbation?
-No, I don't do that.
-But you have.
No.
You've never masturbated?
Never.
Strike three!
Caught looking. Looks like it's gonna be
a long season for the Buckeyes.
What do you call a lawn without a pool?
Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy....
--and the pools are definitely splashy.
The water's fine.
That water is fine.
Let me see if I understand this.
You think that you're unhappy...
...because you feel that you can't
give your wife an orgasm.
It's not my inability to give her an orgasm,
it's her inability to have one.
If it's her fault, then why are you
letting it ruin your life?
I don't care about the orgasms.
I gave Mary Slotnick
six orgasms in one night.
Jenny Fitzgerald got the nickname
Opera Girl because one night--
Okay, okay. We get it. We get it.
I mean, I have staying power,
my penis is above average.
Well above average.
-Is that true?
-I don't know. What's average?
Smaller than mine.
It's smaller than mine.
Now, Priscilla, do you feel
that you fulfill Jack's needs?
-We have sex whenever he wants.
-Do you enjoy it?
I've never thought of it in those terms.
But I suppose I don't not enjoy it.
-So it's a duty?
-Yes.
-No, no. It's not a duty. It's....
-I'll be honest here.
My wife is very good in bed.
-She is?
-I am?
Yeah.
-You've given me a lot of pleasure.
-Thank you.
But how can I feel like a man
if I can't make you come?
Your inability to give me an orgasm
is not the measure of a man.
It's what you make of yourself
that determines your worth...
...not your performance in the bedroom.
That's horseshit.
So if you were in a car accident,
became a paraplegic...
...and your penis didn't work,
you would just give up on life?
You got it. Yeah, pretty mu--
Hey, no dick, no life.
-Can you believe this guy?
-For many men...
...the center of the self is the penis.
Thank you.
Okay, well, let's say I'm willing
to accept that. What then?
There's a simple solution
to your problem.
There is?
-I can't believe that guy.
-What an idiot.
"My name is Dr. Harry Lee."
"But you can call me Dr. Harry."
Oh, God.
-You don't need a vibrator, do you?
-No.
I don't need a vibrator.
I mean, that's just silly, you know?
We need to be daring, without batteries.
God. I don't get it. You're so close,
and then it just stop--
-What did I do wrong?
-You didn't do anything wrong.
Fifty million women
in the United States...
...suffer from orgasmic dysfunction.
Fifty million.
But tonight, we are going to
cut that number by 10.
Because tonight, we are going to learn...
...about the healing power
of masturbation.
The greatest source of energy
known to womankind.
Yes, yes, yes!
Now, I want you to write a name
for your vagina.
Anything you please.
Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty.
Christen her. Own her.
It could be anything you choose, you know.
All right, does everybody have a name?
Let's see. What have you got there?
Oh, that is splendid.
But that could be a boy's name. Change it.
Is everybody finished?
Everybody? Every beautiful little body?
All right. Now I want you each...
...to draw a picture of your vaginas.
I am looking for
a metaphorical representation.
Yes? Yes? It could be anything you want,
but please, let's make it artistic, yes?
You know what I mean, don't you?
Think Picasso. Think van Gogh.
Now, each of you will notice...
...that you have a small hand mirror
on your easels.
I want you to discover your vaginas.
Every glorious fold.
Every beautiful nook and cranny.
This is your power center.
Liberate your labia.
Value your vulva.
Claim your clitoris.
-Claim it! Christen it.
-I don't think I've ever looked at mine.
Start looking.
Come on.
Come on.
Down you go.
Hello, Fifi.
-Hey, Mr. Chase.
-Get down. Someone might see you.
Okay, get up, get up.
Someone might see you.
-What do you want?
-A ride.
To the Case Western University
biophysics lab.
-I work there.
-Good for you.
I'm not in pain, you know.
Have you looked at yourself lately?
That's just the aging process
doing its dirty work.
-Come on, 45's not that old.
-I'm 36.
Look, I don't want you, Mr. Chase, okay?
I respect you.
-Oh, respect.
-Yeah, respect.
Teachers are some of
the most important figures in society.
Nobody gives a shit about teachers.
Teachers don't even give a shit
about teachers.
Let me tell you a story, okay?
When I was 15, I was a dedicated stoner.
But then I took your Intro to Bio class,
and it turned my head upside down.
I mean, the Golgi complex,
cytoplasm, the double helix.
I mean, you taught that stuff
with such passion.
So I dumped my stoner pals, hit the books,
and now I'm a National Merit Scholar.
And it's all thanks to you.
No. Congratulations,
but it's got nothing to do with me.
Well, whatever.
I just want you to know
that I'm here for you.
You're here. Okay. And what do
you know about real life?
Nothing.
But I know what I see.
This is your top of the line, right?
Yeah, that's our deluxe model.
Can you absolutely, positively guarantee
that it will give me an orgasm?
Yeah. We stand behind our products
100 percent.
Good. I'll take one.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah. How much?
I don't think I can sell that to you
in good conscience.
You're right.
It's dusty.
Look, you're not really here just for kicks,
are you?
No.
-You're here to solve a problem, right?
-Yes.
-Sometimes, rarely or never?
-Never.
Sweet Jesus.
So I came in here to get a thing
so I wouldn't actually have to touch myself.
You know, you don't have to masturbate
to have an orgasm.
You don't?
No, you just have to
come in the backroom with me.
What?
Oh, my God, you're propositioning me.
But you're a girl.
I mean, you're pretty and everything...
...but I'm married,
and I'm not like that.
So I think I'll just stick with the
masturbation, if that's all right with you.
Sorry. Thank you.
Don't sweat it. I took a shot.
Here's a starter kit.
Just get yourself in the mood.
Candles, a furry rug.
There you go.
-I'll throw this banana lube in for free.
-Thank you.
-Move the van, Wayne.
-Hold on a second.
All right. Okay.
Just listen to me for one minute, okay?
Just a second.
I've decided to build you a pool
at half my regular cost.
Whatever kind of pool you want.
Any kind of pool.
Italian marble, Spanish tile, 24-karat gold,
I don't give a crap.
Whatever you can dream up,
at half price.
Why is this so important to you?
Why is it important?
Well, okay, it's important...
...because I built a pool for everybody
on your street.
Everybody on the next street,
everybody on the street after that...
...I built a pool for everybody except you.
So, what, are you trying to make
Cleveland look like California?
Cleveland like California,
that's pretty good.
-Are you in advertising?
-Yeah, something like that.
Good, because then maybe you can
relate to my problem. All right.
See, for my next commercial...
...I wanna do a helicopter shot
of your entire neighborhood...
...pool after pool after pool,
each of them mine.
But because of a certain
big patch of grass...
...in a certain somebody's backyard...
...I'm stuck with the same commercial
I've been running for the past 20 years.
You can't take that commercial off.
It's been on since I was a kid.
Well, that-- But that's the point.
It's not an accurate representation
of the current me.
Well, to be honest with you, Wayne,
I'm just not that big on water.
And besides,
I've had my heart set on a gazebo.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girl.
-Yes, I am.
-No. No--
-Bye-bye.
-You're not a gazebo girl.
Takes a big man to come clean
with a story like that, man.
My heart goes out to you.
Well, it felt good to tell you, in a way.
You know...
...you can cry if you want to.
I'm not much of a crier.
-Oh, man, crying's not pussy.
-I know that.
Moving into the garage is pussy.
Crying is evolved.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Sure do appreciate that.
Now, you see,
I would never leave my wife.
I'd do anything in the world
for that woman.
-I'd do anything for Priscilla.
-Oh, not true.
All right, well, except have her
replace my dick with a piece of plastic.
A vibrator's not a dick replacement,
you fucking Neanderthal.
It's a dick teammate.
-What do you know about vibrators?
-I know a lot about them.
-How?
-Because I use one.
-Oh, gross.
-Oh, come on, man.
Me and wifey, we incorporate
a lot of technology in our marital relations.
And I ain't ashamed to say it.
Matter of fact, it's a beautiful thing
when you use it together.
-You use one together?
-Oh, yeah.
You don't think I let her use it alone?
So I guess Priscilla and I could--
Hadn't really thought about that.
And, you know, in a way,
it would be like--
You know, we're doing it together.
I'm there-- I'd be there.
-You would be there.
-Maybe you're right.
Only...
...always use it together.
Because a vibrator's a very
powerful thing, man.
Very powerful.
-All right.
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm uncomfortable now.
How am I gonna do this?
Masturbation.
Oh, it's cold.
Priscilla?
-Priscilla!
-Jack!
-Are you okay?
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
I did at first-- I did a few--
Oh, God, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
That thing was off the scale.
It was at least a pH17.
That's scientifically impossible.
If you're such a science guy....
Hey, Kristen, can I give you a ride?
Oh, no, that's cool. My dad's here.
You were right.
I'm gonna fix you. Promise.
-Binky Taylor.
-Hey, Dad.
Yeah. All right, so I'm sleeping
at Rachel's house tonight, okay?
I'll do it in the morning.
-Take care now.
-All right. Good night.
One second.
-Hey, Kristen.
-Hey, Rachel?
-Hey.
-I'm at your house and fast asleep, okay?
-You slut. See you.
-All right. Thanks.
All set.
Are you 18?
You're thinking of the age of consent,
which is 16.
-Really?
-Yep.
Down it.
How come you never dress like that
in school?
Because it's school.
How come you dress like that for work?
Because it's science.
You like that?
-Yeah.
-Good.
Now lie down. We're gonna figure out
how you lost your way.
Jack?
Yeah?
Fuck the shit out of me.
When can I see you again?
-Two weeks.
-Two weeks? How come?
It's spring break, Jack.
Who picks up
See, Jack? You can't even imagine
life outside of your prison.
Escape.
By the way,
you have a magnificent penis.
There's no lifeguard on duty here,
you know.
I don't need a lifeguard. I'm an animal.
Barely Homo sapien.
Yeah? Well, I've got a mistress.
Liar.
Who?
She has young, pillowy breasts,
and I give her giant orgasms.
Young, pillowy breasts?
-You're screwing a student?
-Hey.
-You screwing a student?
-She's 18.
That doesn't matter.
If word gets out, you'll be ruined.
-Do you know I have a magnificent penis?
-Oh, shut up!
-No, no. I have a magnificent penis.
-Just--
-Just shut up!
-It's true. It's true.
-I'm not listening to you.
-What? You're here to hear, coach.
Well, hear this:
My cock's jamming.
It's jamming.
There you go.
That's it. Let's go.
God, please make it stop.
On the lighter side, the Cleveland
Philharmonic announced today...
...that they're turning the Browns'
fight song into a full-fledged symphony.
Imagine yourself in a luxury penthouse,
only minutes from downtown Cleveland.
The Manly Arms apartments
feature hardwood floors...
...a state-of-the-art gym
and huge bedrooms.
Why settle for the mundane
when you can be king of your domain?
The Manly Arms.
Just can't do it anymore, baby.
It's not the way I roll.
I'm always moving. I'm a runner.
And we're rolling.
Norwegian project, sports segment,
Jacobs Field.
Cue the music.
I am standing in Jacobs Field,
home of the Cleveland Indians...
...and the crown jewel in the renaissance
of Cleveland's urban landscape.
It is the perfect setting
to entertain clients.
If Frikaschis-- Frikas-- Frik--
If Frikasa....
If Frikascha--
If Frikaschasa-- If Frikasch-- Shit.
Keep rolling. We got plenty of tape.
If Frikascis--
Fuck! Just give me a minute.
-They made this ditz a VP?
-You okay?
I'm just having trouble
with these consonants.
All right, well, maybe if you heard it.
It's Frikasch--
Wait.
-It's Frika--
-Yeah, you say it.
It's Frika-- Fuck. What's wrong with you?
I'm not frigid anymore.
Jack left me, for real.
What--? What do you mean, he left?
He took a bunch of pots
and his graphic equalizer.
I think he's gonna take all the crap.
Hamburger
Cheeseburger
Day--
Holy shit, you look amazing.
-No, I mean it.
I'm impressed.
Such progress in two weeks.
And this place looks amazing.
It has none of the desperation
you normally associate...
...with a man whose marriage
has just fallen apart.
Did I do this?
-Do what?
-This apartment.
You.
I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools
in the Greater Cleveland area since 1976.
Our service is classy,
and the pools are definitely splashy.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
Now, why would you wanna
change that?
That water is fine.
Yes, the water is fine.
So how do you make me
feel so good down there?
Okay.
Where does the female orgasm occur?
-The clitoris.
-No.
You and the rest of the world are wrong.
The female orgasm actually occurs
in the pubococcygeus muscle.
-No way.
-Yeah. Way.
P-U-B-O-C-O-C-C-Y-G-E-U-S?
I don't know. Yeah, something like that.
Where is it?
I wish I had a blackboard. I would--
It's the muscle
that surrounds the entire vagina.
I thought there were no nerve endings
in the vagina.
There aren't, but the pubococcygeus
has millions of nerve endings...
...and they're just outside
the vaginal walls.
-So it's easily stimulated.
-Exactly.
That is so cool.
Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that clitoral
stimulation can't produce an orgasm.
Absolutely, it can.
But until you've had an involuntary
contraction of the pubococcygeus...
...then you've never really had an orgasm.
-You swear this is true?
-Yes, absolutely true.
-Do you know what this means?
-No, what does it mean?
It means an end to the tyranny
of the clitoral orgasm.
You have to teach this in class tomorrow.
Okay, if it means that much to you.
in what year?
-That's right, 1835.
And he went on a boat called...?
-Miss Overmyer.
-The HMS Beagle, like Snoopy.
That's right, the HMS Beagle.
Not to be confused with the HMS Bagel.
That's a much lesser-known boat that sunk
because it had a hole in it. Yeah.
All right, now get out of my classroom,
you jerks.
-You made a promise and you broke it.
-What?
You know what.
I'm sorry, I didn't think the pubococcygeus
was a suitable topic for--
Kids?
-I don't-- Why is this a big deal?
-Because it is.
All right, I'll never mention it again.
You know what? I don't think there's
any such thing as the pubococcygeus.
I think you made it up to be fascinating
to your teenage girlfriend.
How could I make up "pubococcygeus"?
I want documented scientific proof.
And no "Playboy Advisor" bullshit.
All right.
I heard about panties with
a miniature vibrator built right into them.
-Do you carry those?
-Yeah.
Oh, good. I want seven pairs,
one for each day of the week.
And do they come in different colors,
for organizational purposes?
-Can I ask you a question?
-Shoot.
Roughly speaking, how many times
have you come in the past few weeks?
One-hundred and eighty-nine times,
exactly speaking.
That's 13 and a half per day.
I've seen this before.
I know how this is gonna sound...
...but I'm not making it up. I think
that you're addicted to your vibrator.
-What?
-You're clinically addicted to your vibrator...
-...or pretty close.
-I can't believe you're saying this.
It happens to a lot of women
with a long history of sexual dysfunction.
One taste and they're gone.
-But I've never felt so good in my life.
-I bet.
They meet Mondays and Wednesdays
at St. Mary's on 33rd Street.
In a church?
Oh, I thought I turned this thing off.
Wonder if this'll work.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, pr--
Yes, it really works.
Fuck.
You've been distracted lately.
Well, I'm not now.
I hope not.
-Sherri?
-Yeah?
Frikaskjasalde.
Come on.
Unbelievable.
Real cool, Priscilla.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, press five.
To leave a message,
simply do so after the beep.
Have a nice day.
Nice.
God.
Hey, hon. Yeah, it's me.
Look, I'm gonna have
to break into the house...
...because you changed
the fucking locks.
So, I don't know,
I might just burn it down.
Okay, hugs.
Here she is.
-Fridtjof Knudsen, this is Priscilla.
-Sure. Sir, yes.
-It's so great to finally meet you.
-The pleasure is entirely mine.
Good. So now we get down to business.
Persuade us to move
from one frigid city to another one.
If Frikaskjasalde should
decide to relocate to Cleveland...
...Trasker will provide
the expertise necessary...
...to cut your current costs by one-third.
What about infrastructure grants?
You've reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
State and local government...
...would go so far
as to build you new roads.
Trasker will provide the--
I'm gonna tell that bitch
I have a magnificent penis.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
Calling till you call me back.
And....
-Pipes.
-What's wrong?
She doesn't look well. Are you well?
I'm fine.
Oh, God. I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And, of course, the roads and--
The land.
The land. Yeah.
Yeah. God.
Priscilla, what's wrong?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
She's been under a hell of a lot
of stress lately.
Don't talk to me about stress.
Oh, no, it's not stress. It's just....
Some bad Chinese food.
Sizzling garlic beef.
Anyway...
...let's get started.
-Douglas--
-They signed.
Oh, good. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
It wasn't sizzling garlic beef.
I don't know what it was.
But it won't happen again, I swear.
Well, just remember, you can only
get away with this kind of bullshit once.
You can only get away
with that kind of bullshit once.
Jack.
Jack.
Jack.
He finally did it.
Finally fucking did it.
Breaking and entering.
-We are so cool.
-Oh, I know.
-Wow, eerie.
-Totally.
I feel like I could tell you anything.
You can tell me anything.
That's what's great about us.
You know this means
we're a couple now.
Awesome.
Okay, new rules.
One, keep your options open
till the last second.
Two, get his number.
But that's flexible if he's a fox.
Three, look at your left hand.
What about it?
Check the ring finger. You know, the one
with the wedding ring on it?
-It comes off.
-All the way.
Feel lighter?
-A little.
-Good.
Tonight I'm your designated dancer.
I will protect you, I will advise you...
...and I will never leave your side.
Did you have your orgasm?
So, baby, how many times?
-You okay with that or...?
-Were my techniques sufficient enough...
...to provide you
with the orgasm you were seeking?
Orgasm? Of course I fucking did.
I don't know what happened.
I try too hard. I just freeze up.
Look, I know it's not the girl thing.
You were close like five times.
-You were this close.
-Six.
-Really?
-It's a joke.
You know I pride myself
on my orgasm-inducing abilities?
I've practiced. I dedicated myself.
I can make an ice sculpture
of Kathie Lee Gifford come.
I don't know how your husband
plugged away as long as he did.
Exhausted.
No way. Impossible.
I don't believe it.
You're lying. You have to be lying...
...because there's no way
you would ever do that, right?
Right?
-Which part?
-That last part.
That last part just happened.
So you just kind of slipped
and fell into her vagina.
-Sherri.
-Did you think she was a man or something?
No. She's a fox.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just said that.
So you actively and knowingly
pursued your lesbian moment?
Think you'll do it again?
I'm sorry...
...but I feel like I really need
to speak my mind on this one.
Not now, Sherri.
You are...
-...awesome.
-What?
You are fucking awesome.
I mean, a month ago,
you were this uptight, frigid, married chick.
And then, from clear out of the blue...
...you dumped your loser husband
because he wasn't plowing the fields.
You're not listening.
That's not how it happened.
And then you practically invent
a whole new category of addiction.
They should name
a warning sticker after you.
And then you go on to bag
all of these hot guys...
...one after the other after the other...
-...after the other.
-Sherri.
And then, when most of us
would be taking a breather...
...you run off and join the lesbian circus.
-Sherri.
-No, it's so incredibly rich.
Priscilla, you are a goddess.
You are a raging slut goddess.
Sherri.
You didn't listen
to a word I said, did you?
You know all those guys I slept with?
I wasn't even there when it happened.
I just disappeared into this ball of fear.
I just shut down.
None of them wanna see me again.
And you know Justine, my girlfriend?
She says that I'm an ice queen.
An unmeltable ice queen.
Just once in my life,
just for one minute...
...I would like to let go...
...just to feel different...
...if only for a minute.
Hello, Priscilla. You were supposed
to have those numbers on my desk by 5.
-Oh, Christ.
-It's now 6:30...
...and I'm still waiting here at my desk.
I want them first thing in the morning.
Good night, Priscilla.
Hey, Priscilla, it's me,
Wayne the Pool Guy.
-Hi. How you doing? Good.
-Hi. Good.
I would like a piece of your chocolate cake
and a glass of red wine.
-Okay. Okay.
-Oh, and some milk as well. Thank you.
I finally caught you.
You're not gonna believe this.
I think I'm finally ready for that pool.
-Would you like to sit down and join me?
-You're kidding me.
-Dinner's on me. Scotch, rocks.
-Okay.
So, Priscilla...
-...why do you want a pool?
-Now you wanna talk me out of it?
No, no, it's just that, you know,
even at half price, it's:
I'm paying full price.
Even at my special
summer-discount rate...
...it's gonna put a deep dent
in your pocketbook.
So I want you to be sure.
If you don't want a pool, don't get a pool.
-But what about your commercial?
-We already shot it.
Yeah. They put a pool in your backyard
with a computer.
Looks real.
It's gonna premiere next week.
What about the old one?
Well.... Yeah, well, I think it aired
for the last time about an hour ago.
I missed it.
-I'll send you a tape.
-Thanks, but it won't be the same.
Yeah. Thank you.
Well, salud.
There are three reasons
why people get a pool.
One, to keep up with the Joneses.
Two, if you can believe this...
...to get people to come to their house.
And the third reason...
...I want you to tell me.
Come on, come on.
-Swimming?
-Bingo.
That's it. Swimming.
Nobody ever gets that.
It's the most obvious.
And it's the most meaningful.
What do you mean by that?
Well, all right, forget I'm a salesman
for a second.
Just a second. All right.
Emotionally and spiritually speaking...
...swimming is the best thing
you can do for yourself.
You wanna know why?
Metamorphosis.
Even in Cleveland, Ohio...
...you have a chance at rebirth
every time you dive in the water.
But what if you wanna stay
who you are?
What kind of question is that?
Everybody wants to change.
-Oh, really?
-Of course.
-Don't they?
-I'm just giving you a hard time.
You see that? You try to be sincere...
-...and all you get is grief.
-I was kidding.
I was kidding.
I'm very pro-metamorphosis.
Sucker.
No, you meant every word.
-Here you go.
-Good.
There you are.
Nice combo.
Anyway...
...to be honest, I think I should
try someone else's pool first.
I have a pool.
Is that an invitation?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess
it's an invitation, yeah.
When?
Watch your step here. Yes.
-All this for building pools.
-Yeah.
Yeah. You ready?
Check it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I built it for my wife.
She died 16 years ago.
She must have loved it.
She had her moods.
She would be crying at the top...
...and laughing by the time
she hit the pool. Yeah. Yeah.
-So you like it? Really?
-Oh, yeah. I think it's a--
-I think it's amazing.
-You wanna try it?
-Now?
-Yeah.
-Will you come with me?
-No.
-No?
-No.
No. No, I don't ever. I never do. Never do.
Wayne, when was the last time
you went swimming in this pool?
It's been a while.
So all that talk about metamorphosis
and renewal...
...it was just talk?
I have suits inside.
-Okay.
-Let's go.
Come on. I think I have one that fits you.
It's my favorite. I wear it--
When I'm all alone, I wear it.
No, I'm only kidding.
It's wood. Nice. Sturdy.
It's like a tree house.
How high is it?
The slide is 300 feet, so....
And then this is, you know....
-You go first and I'll spot you.
-Okay.
Wow, this....
Yeah, I forgot all about this.
Wow, the Terminal Tower.
That's where I work.
What do you actually do in advertising?
I bring business to Cleveland.
-That's a cool job.
-Yeah, it is.
I like it.
-I'm really glad I came.
-Me too.
We can't stay up here all night.
Anyway, let me get....
All right.
-Okay?
-Okay.
All right, so you go on it.
Okay, get down...
...and then, let's see....
I'm gonna get over here like this. Yeah.
Ready? Put your legs around me.
Okay, all right.
And hold on to my waist, right?
Okay, yeah.
-You can hold on. I won't break.
-Okay.
Okay.
-Ready?
-Yeah, I'm ready.
One, two...
...three!
I'm sorry.
No. More.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay.
What's so funny?
Well, you're not gonna believe this...
...but you're the first man who's ever...
...you know, made me come.
You mean, you...?
Not until Wayne.
Wayne the Pool Guy.
Yeah, that is funny.
Hysterical.
Well, you just took 15 years off my life.
Now, come here.
Oh, Wayne.
Oh, Wayne. Wayne.
What a name.
You should keep your slide on
all the time.
How come?
Because then I'd come over.
Get your own pool.
-Good morning.
-Priscilla.
No sizzling garlic beef
this weekend, I see.
I guess you already know.
Know what?
We're taking a group of Chinese brewers
on a tour this morning.
-Can you handle it?
-I don't think so.
Guess what they wanna see.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
You wish.
They wanna see the crown jewel
of Cleveland's public school system:
Carmen High.
Jack's back.
Morning.
You motherfuckers ready to learn?
Because I'm gonna
teach the shit out of you.
-Yeah!
-All right.
You guys are gonna be cool, right?
You're not gonna tell the principal I swore?
Miss Taylor's not here, I see.
All right.
We had very high SAT scores last year....
Come on. I know there's
something you wanna tell me.
No, there isn't.
You have a big, juicy secret.
I can smell it.
-Me and Wayne the Pool Guy.
-Liar.
And another archaebacteria that can
survive in inhospitable environments...
...is the halobacteria...
...which is unique...
-...because of its pigment.
-They're educating.
And who could tell me what that is?
It's the color?
Holy shit. Look at him.
That's right, but maybe one of our
esteemed guests here would know.
-The color is orange?
-That's right.
Goes the little bear.
One chop, two chop, tickle under....
That felt so good.
Yeah, that's what I always
try to tell myself.
Feel good. Don't feel bad, feel good.
Pizza and a six-pack.
Oh, it's so late though.
So?
Okay. I'll have a plain.
Cool. Plain?
No, I'll have sausage and onions.
Very brave.
You worried that I'm
falling in love with you?
If I were, I wouldn't be here.
-Bertino's Pizzeria.
-Gonna be open late?
-Yeah, we're open late.
-I'll be there in two hours.
Hey, Jack.
Hey. I bet you can't catch me.
-Hey.
-Excuse me. Sorry.
Hey, I know you. Wait.
You're Jack Chase.
You're my daughter's teacher.
I'm Binky Taylor,
Kristen Taylor's father.
Kristen Tay-- Oh, Kristen.
Yeah. Oh, she's very bright.
The Taylor family...
...will be eternally grateful to you.
It was your class that got
Kristen off the cannabis...
...and onto the right track.
Here she is.
Hi, Dad. Hello, Mr. Chase.
Kristen.
Shouldn't you be
doing your homework?
I don't know about that.
Kristen's going to Harvard.
Harvard, the school?
She hasn't taken that Harvard T-shirt off
for three weeks since she got the news.
Congratulations, Kristen.
It takes a very special person
to get into Harvard.
No, Mr. Chase.
Congratulations to you.
If this country
had more teachers like you...
...dedicated, decent men,
our kids would be in a lot better shape.
You, sir, are an everyday hero.
-Thank you.
-No. Thank you.
Say thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Chase.
You're a great teacher.
Alrighty. Well, take care.
Okay, now.
Hey, it's me.
It was great seeing you
the other day.
I was thinking that maybe we could
hook up sometime and grab some dinner.
Nothing serious or anything.
Just, you know, to catch up.
Whenever you want.
Just let me know.
That suit is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah.
Damn, he looks good.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm starving.
So, what have you been up to?
Oh, I don't know.
Not much.
No?
You can tell me, you know. It's me.
Well...
...I've been broadening my horizons...
...taking some seminars...
...and discovering parts of Cleveland
I never knew existed.
Neat.
Well, here's to you.
The hell is that?
Shit.
I'm involved in a love triangle
with a younger, fitter rival.
This is bullshit.
What about you?
What have you been doing?
What have I been doing?
Probably sounds pretentious...
...but I've been trying to make myself
a better man.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah.
I've been really focused
on teaching...
...and, I don't know, I'm thinking about
maybe going back to school.
I'm so proud of you.
That's wonderful.
Here's to you.
Thank you.
-It's great to see you.
-You too.
Oh, and also, every morning...
...I've been getting up and exercising.
A lot of jogging
and that kind of thing.
I've lost six pounds already.
You look like you lost more.
I haven't weighed myself today, so....
Thank you.
It must be driving you crazy
wondering why I brought you here, huh?
I've been thinking that maybe--
Are you listening to me?
Because this is important.
-I mean, this--
-Yeah, I'm listening.
This is--
What's so funny?
Nothing.
I've been thinking that maybe...
...we should get back together.
Oh, Jack.
Well, here's to you.
-Good to see you.
-You too.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girl.
A touch of the bubbly.
I wanna go again.
Here, hold on just a second.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking.
Even though there's this big
age difference between us--
How old are you, anyway?
Old.
Somehow, while I was worried about
drains and chlorine...
...I turned into the old guy, but--
Here. The thing is, I don't have anybody
to leave my business to.
I mean, when I kick,
when the ticker goes, that's it.
I can find you a buyer
within a week, Wayne.
-A reputable buyer.
-Yeah, well....
But I was thinking that,
even with all our differences...
-...we make a good team.
-Yeah.
You like to stay up late.
Nope. Early bird.
Okay.
All right,
maybe it's not the sleep thing.
Well, there's the sex.
The sex. Yes, the sex. Jesus Christ.
Really wonderful.
And you gotta know...
...I haven't been in this pool
since my wife died.
Anyway, considering
all these ingredients...
...and that you've got
a great head for business...
...and the fact that I might be
falling in love with you...
-...I was wondering--
-Are you gonna ask me to marry you?
Actually...
...I was gonna ask you
if you would be my girlfriend.
-I'll think about it.
-Okay.
and meditate on the movement of water.
Raise your Swadhisthana chakra.
This is the sexual center of your being.
-Wayne.
-What do you call a lawn without a pool?
Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools
in the Greater Cleveland area...
...since 1976.
Our service is classy,
and the pools are definitely splashy.
So take the yawn out of your lawn
and call me today for a free estimate.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
That water is fine.
"Dear Mr. Knudsen...
...I was delighted to hear of your company's
interest in relocating to Cleveland.
Over the last decade,
our city has transformed itself...
...from a decaying industrial town
into a vibrant, world-class metropolis.
What was once
'the mistake by the lake' ...
...is now 'the roar by the shore."'
Do you know how many times
I've typed this letter?
No, but you do.
One thousand four hundred
and eighty-two times.
How sad is that?
Oh, check this out.
It says here that 30 million American
women suffer from sexual dysfunction.
-Can you believe that?
-What do you mean by sexual dysfunction?
As in, no payoff.
Oh, I thought you meant something weird,
like a physical abnormality.
You don't think 30 million women
is weird?
We're talking about a chronic failure
to achieve orgasm.
Think they could write
about something important.
You don't think orgasms are important?
I'd shoot myself if I couldn't come.
Thirty million women would
shoot themselves if they couldn't come.
Hey, teacher. You forgot your sandwich.
Nice performance, Jack.
-Good impression on the kids.
-Hey, blow me.
You know, I'm worried about you, Jack.
You used to be the most popular teacher
in Carmen High.
And now look at you. You're a shithead.
-You think it might be depression?
-Why would I be depressed?
I'm a biology teacher
in the Cleveland public school system.
Well, beside being the football coach,
I'm also the school counselor this year.
So if you have any problems,
I'm here to hear.
-Who taught you that?
-I did. You like it?
It sucks.
I know it's hard to reach out,
but you need help, Jack.
You wanna help me? Pass the steroids.
You know, I don't really believe
in all this depression stuff.
I mean, it's very simple.
There are men and there are babies.
And you, you're a baby.
I mean, every night, you go to bed with
the most magnificent woman in Cleveland.
I mean, that'd be enough
to make any man happy.
Good talk, coach.
I mean, sure would make me happy.
I mean, it would.
-I'm sure you can guess why we're here.
-No way.
That's right. Yamaguchi Industries
decided on Cleveland...
...and they're bringing 400 jobs.
Quite an achievement,
considering the recession.
Congratulations, Miss Vice President.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
You can't really be surprised.
So how much is the raise?
I've got a lot of really
creative employees, Priscilla.
And you know what?
They're a dime a dozen.
But you're a rare breed.
You're creative,
and you're predictable.
So awesomely, unbelievably predictable.
And that's the quality I prize most.
Yo, why are we wasting time
with this textbook?
I could write this textbook.
-It's a college-level textbook.
-Yeah, junior college.
You wanna learn something now?
I thought you knew everything.
All right.
-Where'd you get it?
-The cafeteria.
I need a volunteer.
You're all so eager. All right, who can
name the subspecies it belongs to?
Right.
-G. pardalis babcocki.
-That's absolutely right.
-Well done....
-Kristen. Kristen Taylor.
Right, Kristen. Come on up here, Kristen.
Hey, Garbin. Wake up.
Kill those lights for me, would you?
I want the rest of you
to take some notes.
Garbin, kill the lights.
All right, can you properly identify
each portion of the shield?
Sure. Over here's the marginal...
-...then the pygal, the costal...
-Right. Yeah.
...the vertebral and....
The nuchal. N-U-C-H-A-L.
Some people say "nuchal,"
other people say "nuchal."
I say "nuchal," but that's because
my people are from Russia.
Nuchal.
I got a promotion.
I'm a vice president.
Really? Way to hustle.
Come on, Jack. Be happy for me.
Yeah. We could do stuff.
We could maybe even get a pool.
-I don't want a pool anymore.
-Why not?
I don't want my belly
offending the neighbors.
Here's to me. Congratulations, Priscilla.
Here's to you.
Congratulations.
Do you have any idea
what your frigidity has done to me?
It's called sexual dysfunction.
I'm sorry. Do you have any idea what
your sexual dysfunction has done to me?
No? Let me tell you.
You marry the prettiest girl in Cleveland,
and you think:
"All right. Everything's going my way.
I mean, all right, we have this one
little thing, but we can deal with it."
I mean, you know that joke, right?
How do you make a woman come?
Who cares?
Well, after 10 years of failed fucking....
God, 10-- How many times
you suppose that is?
We've had sex 1482 times,
not including this morning.
Well...
...all my failure begins to take a toll.
I mean, look at me. Am I really
the man you thought I'd become?
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
-What the hell are you doing?
-Jack left. He moved to the garage.
He says it's because
I have sexual dysfunction.
He said that?
-What an asshole.
-No, it's true.
I'm one of 30 million nonexistent
American women with sexual dysfunction.
When was the last time
you were functional?
Sexual dysfunction, as in never in my life.
-You've never had an orgasm?
-No.
Wow, that's just so weird.
What about masturbation?
-No, I don't do that.
-But you have.
No.
You've never masturbated?
Never.
Strike three!
Caught looking. Looks like it's gonna be
a long season for the Buckeyes.
What do you call a lawn without a pool?
Well, I call it a yawn.
Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy....
--and the pools are definitely splashy.
The water's fine.
That water is fine.
Let me see if I understand this.
You think that you're unhappy...
...because you feel that you can't
give your wife an orgasm.
It's not my inability to give her an orgasm,
it's her inability to have one.
If it's her fault, then why are you
letting it ruin your life?
I don't care about the orgasms.
I gave Mary Slotnick
six orgasms in one night.
Jenny Fitzgerald got the nickname
Opera Girl because one night--
Okay, okay. We get it. We get it.
I mean, I have staying power,
my penis is above average.
Well above average.
-Is that true?
-I don't know. What's average?
Smaller than mine.
It's smaller than mine.
Now, Priscilla, do you feel
that you fulfill Jack's needs?
-We have sex whenever he wants.
-Do you enjoy it?
I've never thought of it in those terms.
But I suppose I don't not enjoy it.
-So it's a duty?
-Yes.
-No, no. It's not a duty. It's....
-I'll be honest here.
My wife is very good in bed.
-She is?
-I am?
Yeah.
-You've given me a lot of pleasure.
-Thank you.
But how can I feel like a man
if I can't make you come?
Your inability to give me an orgasm
is not the measure of a man.
It's what you make of yourself
that determines your worth...
...not your performance in the bedroom.
That's horseshit.
So if you were in a car accident,
became a paraplegic...
...and your penis didn't work,
you would just give up on life?
You got it. Yeah, pretty mu--
Hey, no dick, no life.
-Can you believe this guy?
-For many men...
...the center of the self is the penis.
Thank you.
Okay, well, let's say I'm willing
to accept that. What then?
There's a simple solution
to your problem.
There is?
-I can't believe that guy.
-What an idiot.
"My name is Dr. Harry Lee."
"But you can call me Dr. Harry."
Oh, God.
-You don't need a vibrator, do you?
-No.
I don't need a vibrator.
I mean, that's just silly, you know?
We need to be daring, without batteries.
God. I don't get it. You're so close,
and then it just stop--
-What did I do wrong?
-You didn't do anything wrong.
Fifty million women
in the United States...
...suffer from orgasmic dysfunction.
Fifty million.
But tonight, we are going to
cut that number by 10.
Because tonight, we are going to learn...
...about the healing power
of masturbation.
The greatest source of energy
known to womankind.
Yes, yes, yes!
Now, I want you to write a name
for your vagina.
Anything you please.
Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty.
Christen her. Own her.
It could be anything you choose, you know.
All right, does everybody have a name?
Let's see. What have you got there?
Oh, that is splendid.
But that could be a boy's name. Change it.
Is everybody finished?
Everybody? Every beautiful little body?
All right. Now I want you each...
...to draw a picture of your vaginas.
I am looking for
a metaphorical representation.
Yes? Yes? It could be anything you want,
but please, let's make it artistic, yes?
You know what I mean, don't you?
Think Picasso. Think van Gogh.
Now, each of you will notice...
...that you have a small hand mirror
on your easels.
I want you to discover your vaginas.
Every glorious fold.
Every beautiful nook and cranny.
This is your power center.
Liberate your labia.
Value your vulva.
Claim your clitoris.
-Claim it! Christen it.
-I don't think I've ever looked at mine.
Start looking.
Come on.
Come on.
Down you go.
Hello, Fifi.
-Hey, Mr. Chase.
-Get down. Someone might see you.
Okay, get up, get up.
Someone might see you.
-What do you want?
-A ride.
To the Case Western University
biophysics lab.
-I work there.
-Good for you.
I'm not in pain, you know.
Have you looked at yourself lately?
That's just the aging process
doing its dirty work.
-Come on, 45's not that old.
-I'm 36.
Look, I don't want you, Mr. Chase, okay?
I respect you.
-Oh, respect.
-Yeah, respect.
Teachers are some of
the most important figures in society.
Nobody gives a shit about teachers.
Teachers don't even give a shit
about teachers.
Let me tell you a story, okay?
When I was 15, I was a dedicated stoner.
But then I took your Intro to Bio class,
and it turned my head upside down.
I mean, the Golgi complex,
cytoplasm, the double helix.
I mean, you taught that stuff
with such passion.
So I dumped my stoner pals, hit the books,
and now I'm a National Merit Scholar.
And it's all thanks to you.
No. Congratulations,
but it's got nothing to do with me.
Well, whatever.
I just want you to know
that I'm here for you.
You're here. Okay. And what do
you know about real life?
Nothing.
But I know what I see.
This is your top of the line, right?
Yeah, that's our deluxe model.
Can you absolutely, positively guarantee
that it will give me an orgasm?
Yeah. We stand behind our products
100 percent.
Good. I'll take one.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah. How much?
I don't think I can sell that to you
in good conscience.
You're right.
It's dusty.
Look, you're not really here just for kicks,
are you?
No.
-You're here to solve a problem, right?
-Yes.
-Sometimes, rarely or never?
-Never.
Sweet Jesus.
So I came in here to get a thing
so I wouldn't actually have to touch myself.
You know, you don't have to masturbate
to have an orgasm.
You don't?
No, you just have to
come in the backroom with me.
What?
Oh, my God, you're propositioning me.
But you're a girl.
I mean, you're pretty and everything...
...but I'm married,
and I'm not like that.
So I think I'll just stick with the
masturbation, if that's all right with you.
Sorry. Thank you.
Don't sweat it. I took a shot.
Here's a starter kit.
Just get yourself in the mood.
Candles, a furry rug.
There you go.
-I'll throw this banana lube in for free.
-Thank you.
-Move the van, Wayne.
-Hold on a second.
All right. Okay.
Just listen to me for one minute, okay?
Just a second.
I've decided to build you a pool
at half my regular cost.
Whatever kind of pool you want.
Any kind of pool.
Italian marble, Spanish tile, 24-karat gold,
I don't give a crap.
Whatever you can dream up,
at half price.
Why is this so important to you?
Why is it important?
Well, okay, it's important...
...because I built a pool for everybody
on your street.
Everybody on the next street,
everybody on the street after that...
...I built a pool for everybody except you.
So, what, are you trying to make
Cleveland look like California?
Cleveland like California,
that's pretty good.
-Are you in advertising?
-Yeah, something like that.
Good, because then maybe you can
relate to my problem. All right.
See, for my next commercial...
...I wanna do a helicopter shot
of your entire neighborhood...
...pool after pool after pool,
each of them mine.
But because of a certain
big patch of grass...
...in a certain somebody's backyard...
...I'm stuck with the same commercial
I've been running for the past 20 years.
You can't take that commercial off.
It's been on since I was a kid.
Well, that-- But that's the point.
It's not an accurate representation
of the current me.
Well, to be honest with you, Wayne,
I'm just not that big on water.
And besides,
I've had my heart set on a gazebo.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girl.
-Yes, I am.
-No. No--
-Bye-bye.
-You're not a gazebo girl.
Takes a big man to come clean
with a story like that, man.
My heart goes out to you.
Well, it felt good to tell you, in a way.
You know...
...you can cry if you want to.
I'm not much of a crier.
-Oh, man, crying's not pussy.
-I know that.
Moving into the garage is pussy.
Crying is evolved.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Sure do appreciate that.
Now, you see,
I would never leave my wife.
I'd do anything in the world
for that woman.
-I'd do anything for Priscilla.
-Oh, not true.
All right, well, except have her
replace my dick with a piece of plastic.
A vibrator's not a dick replacement,
you fucking Neanderthal.
It's a dick teammate.
-What do you know about vibrators?
-I know a lot about them.
-How?
-Because I use one.
-Oh, gross.
-Oh, come on, man.
Me and wifey, we incorporate
a lot of technology in our marital relations.
And I ain't ashamed to say it.
Matter of fact, it's a beautiful thing
when you use it together.
-You use one together?
-Oh, yeah.
You don't think I let her use it alone?
So I guess Priscilla and I could--
Hadn't really thought about that.
And, you know, in a way,
it would be like--
You know, we're doing it together.
I'm there-- I'd be there.
-You would be there.
-Maybe you're right.
Only...
...always use it together.
Because a vibrator's a very
powerful thing, man.
Very powerful.
-All right.
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm uncomfortable now.
How am I gonna do this?
Masturbation.
Oh, it's cold.
Priscilla?
-Priscilla!
-Jack!
-Are you okay?
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
I did at first-- I did a few--
Oh, God, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
That thing was off the scale.
It was at least a pH17.
That's scientifically impossible.
If you're such a science guy....
Hey, Kristen, can I give you a ride?
Oh, no, that's cool. My dad's here.
You were right.
I'm gonna fix you. Promise.
-Binky Taylor.
-Hey, Dad.
Yeah. All right, so I'm sleeping
at Rachel's house tonight, okay?
I'll do it in the morning.
-Take care now.
-All right. Good night.
One second.
-Hey, Kristen.
-Hey, Rachel?
-Hey.
-I'm at your house and fast asleep, okay?
-You slut. See you.
-All right. Thanks.
All set.
Are you 18?
You're thinking of the age of consent,
which is 16.
-Really?
-Yep.
Down it.
How come you never dress like that
in school?
Because it's school.
How come you dress like that for work?
Because it's science.
You like that?
-Yeah.
-Good.
Now lie down. We're gonna figure out
how you lost your way.
Jack?
Yeah?
Fuck the shit out of me.
When can I see you again?
-Two weeks.
-Two weeks? How come?
It's spring break, Jack.
Who picks up
See, Jack? You can't even imagine
life outside of your prison.
Escape.
By the way,
you have a magnificent penis.
There's no lifeguard on duty here,
you know.
I don't need a lifeguard. I'm an animal.
Barely Homo sapien.
Yeah? Well, I've got a mistress.
Liar.
Who?
She has young, pillowy breasts,
and I give her giant orgasms.
Young, pillowy breasts?
-You're screwing a student?
-Hey.
-You screwing a student?
-She's 18.
That doesn't matter.
If word gets out, you'll be ruined.
-Do you know I have a magnificent penis?
-Oh, shut up!
-No, no. I have a magnificent penis.
-Just--
-Just shut up!
-It's true. It's true.
-I'm not listening to you.
-What? You're here to hear, coach.
Well, hear this:
My cock's jamming.
It's jamming.
There you go.
That's it. Let's go.
God, please make it stop.
On the lighter side, the Cleveland
Philharmonic announced today...
...that they're turning the Browns'
fight song into a full-fledged symphony.
Imagine yourself in a luxury penthouse,
only minutes from downtown Cleveland.
The Manly Arms apartments
feature hardwood floors...
...a state-of-the-art gym
and huge bedrooms.
Why settle for the mundane
when you can be king of your domain?
The Manly Arms.
Just can't do it anymore, baby.
It's not the way I roll.
I'm always moving. I'm a runner.
And we're rolling.
Norwegian project, sports segment,
Jacobs Field.
Cue the music.
I am standing in Jacobs Field,
home of the Cleveland Indians...
...and the crown jewel in the renaissance
of Cleveland's urban landscape.
It is the perfect setting
to entertain clients.
If Frikaschis-- Frikas-- Frik--
If Frikasa....
If Frikascha--
If Frikaschasa-- If Frikasch-- Shit.
Keep rolling. We got plenty of tape.
If Frikascis--
Fuck! Just give me a minute.
-They made this ditz a VP?
-You okay?
I'm just having trouble
with these consonants.
All right, well, maybe if you heard it.
It's Frikasch--
Wait.
-It's Frika--
-Yeah, you say it.
It's Frika-- Fuck. What's wrong with you?
I'm not frigid anymore.
Jack left me, for real.
What--? What do you mean, he left?
He took a bunch of pots
and his graphic equalizer.
I think he's gonna take all the crap.
Hamburger
Cheeseburger
Day--
Holy shit, you look amazing.
-No, I mean it.
I'm impressed.
Such progress in two weeks.
And this place looks amazing.
It has none of the desperation
you normally associate...
...with a man whose marriage
has just fallen apart.
Did I do this?
-Do what?
-This apartment.
You.
I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...
...and I've been installing swimming pools
in the Greater Cleveland area since 1976.
Our service is classy,
and the pools are definitely splashy.
Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.
Now, why would you wanna
change that?
That water is fine.
Yes, the water is fine.
So how do you make me
feel so good down there?
Okay.
Where does the female orgasm occur?
-The clitoris.
-No.
You and the rest of the world are wrong.
The female orgasm actually occurs
in the pubococcygeus muscle.
-No way.
-Yeah. Way.
P-U-B-O-C-O-C-C-Y-G-E-U-S?
I don't know. Yeah, something like that.
Where is it?
I wish I had a blackboard. I would--
It's the muscle
that surrounds the entire vagina.
I thought there were no nerve endings
in the vagina.
There aren't, but the pubococcygeus
has millions of nerve endings...
...and they're just outside
the vaginal walls.
-So it's easily stimulated.
-Exactly.
That is so cool.
Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that clitoral
stimulation can't produce an orgasm.
Absolutely, it can.
But until you've had an involuntary
contraction of the pubococcygeus...
...then you've never really had an orgasm.
-You swear this is true?
-Yes, absolutely true.
-Do you know what this means?
-No, what does it mean?
It means an end to the tyranny
of the clitoral orgasm.
You have to teach this in class tomorrow.
Okay, if it means that much to you.
in what year?
-That's right, 1835.
And he went on a boat called...?
-Miss Overmyer.
-The HMS Beagle, like Snoopy.
That's right, the HMS Beagle.
Not to be confused with the HMS Bagel.
That's a much lesser-known boat that sunk
because it had a hole in it. Yeah.
All right, now get out of my classroom,
you jerks.
-You made a promise and you broke it.
-What?
You know what.
I'm sorry, I didn't think the pubococcygeus
was a suitable topic for--
Kids?
-I don't-- Why is this a big deal?
-Because it is.
All right, I'll never mention it again.
You know what? I don't think there's
any such thing as the pubococcygeus.
I think you made it up to be fascinating
to your teenage girlfriend.
How could I make up "pubococcygeus"?
I want documented scientific proof.
And no "Playboy Advisor" bullshit.
All right.
I heard about panties with
a miniature vibrator built right into them.
-Do you carry those?
-Yeah.
Oh, good. I want seven pairs,
one for each day of the week.
And do they come in different colors,
for organizational purposes?
-Can I ask you a question?
-Shoot.
Roughly speaking, how many times
have you come in the past few weeks?
One-hundred and eighty-nine times,
exactly speaking.
That's 13 and a half per day.
I've seen this before.
I know how this is gonna sound...
...but I'm not making it up. I think
that you're addicted to your vibrator.
-What?
-You're clinically addicted to your vibrator...
-...or pretty close.
-I can't believe you're saying this.
It happens to a lot of women
with a long history of sexual dysfunction.
One taste and they're gone.
-But I've never felt so good in my life.
-I bet.
They meet Mondays and Wednesdays
at St. Mary's on 33rd Street.
In a church?
Oh, I thought I turned this thing off.
Wonder if this'll work.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, pr--
Yes, it really works.
Fuck.
You've been distracted lately.
Well, I'm not now.
I hope not.
-Sherri?
-Yeah?
Frikaskjasalde.
Come on.
Unbelievable.
Real cool, Priscilla.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
To page me, press five.
To leave a message,
simply do so after the beep.
Have a nice day.
Nice.
God.
Hey, hon. Yeah, it's me.
Look, I'm gonna have
to break into the house...
...because you changed
the fucking locks.
So, I don't know,
I might just burn it down.
Okay, hugs.
Here she is.
-Fridtjof Knudsen, this is Priscilla.
-Sure. Sir, yes.
-It's so great to finally meet you.
-The pleasure is entirely mine.
Good. So now we get down to business.
Persuade us to move
from one frigid city to another one.
If Frikaskjasalde should
decide to relocate to Cleveland...
...Trasker will provide
the expertise necessary...
...to cut your current costs by one-third.
What about infrastructure grants?
You've reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
State and local government...
...would go so far
as to build you new roads.
Trasker will provide the--
I'm gonna tell that bitch
I have a magnificent penis.
You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.
Calling till you call me back.
And....
-Pipes.
-What's wrong?
She doesn't look well. Are you well?
I'm fine.
Oh, God. I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And, of course, the roads and--
The land.
The land. Yeah.
Yeah. God.
Priscilla, what's wrong?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
She's been under a hell of a lot
of stress lately.
Don't talk to me about stress.
Oh, no, it's not stress. It's just....
Some bad Chinese food.
Sizzling garlic beef.
Anyway...
...let's get started.
-Douglas--
-They signed.
Oh, good. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
It wasn't sizzling garlic beef.
I don't know what it was.
But it won't happen again, I swear.
Well, just remember, you can only
get away with this kind of bullshit once.
You can only get away
with that kind of bullshit once.
Jack.
Jack.
Jack.
He finally did it.
Finally fucking did it.
Breaking and entering.
-We are so cool.
-Oh, I know.
-Wow, eerie.
-Totally.
I feel like I could tell you anything.
You can tell me anything.
That's what's great about us.
You know this means
we're a couple now.
Awesome.
Okay, new rules.
One, keep your options open
till the last second.
Two, get his number.
But that's flexible if he's a fox.
Three, look at your left hand.
What about it?
Check the ring finger. You know, the one
with the wedding ring on it?
-It comes off.
-All the way.
Feel lighter?
-A little.
-Good.
Tonight I'm your designated dancer.
I will protect you, I will advise you...
...and I will never leave your side.
Did you have your orgasm?
So, baby, how many times?
-You okay with that or...?
-Were my techniques sufficient enough...
...to provide you
with the orgasm you were seeking?
Orgasm? Of course I fucking did.
I don't know what happened.
I try too hard. I just freeze up.
Look, I know it's not the girl thing.
You were close like five times.
-You were this close.
-Six.
-Really?
-It's a joke.
You know I pride myself
on my orgasm-inducing abilities?
I've practiced. I dedicated myself.
I can make an ice sculpture
of Kathie Lee Gifford come.
I don't know how your husband
plugged away as long as he did.
Exhausted.
No way. Impossible.
I don't believe it.
You're lying. You have to be lying...
...because there's no way
you would ever do that, right?
Right?
-Which part?
-That last part.
That last part just happened.
So you just kind of slipped
and fell into her vagina.
-Sherri.
-Did you think she was a man or something?
No. She's a fox.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just said that.
So you actively and knowingly
pursued your lesbian moment?
Think you'll do it again?
I'm sorry...
...but I feel like I really need
to speak my mind on this one.
Not now, Sherri.
You are...
-...awesome.
-What?
You are fucking awesome.
I mean, a month ago,
you were this uptight, frigid, married chick.
And then, from clear out of the blue...
...you dumped your loser husband
because he wasn't plowing the fields.
You're not listening.
That's not how it happened.
And then you practically invent
a whole new category of addiction.
They should name
a warning sticker after you.
And then you go on to bag
all of these hot guys...
...one after the other after the other...
-...after the other.
-Sherri.
And then, when most of us
would be taking a breather...
...you run off and join the lesbian circus.
-Sherri.
-No, it's so incredibly rich.
Priscilla, you are a goddess.
You are a raging slut goddess.
Sherri.
You didn't listen
to a word I said, did you?
You know all those guys I slept with?
I wasn't even there when it happened.
I just disappeared into this ball of fear.
I just shut down.
None of them wanna see me again.
And you know Justine, my girlfriend?
She says that I'm an ice queen.
An unmeltable ice queen.
Just once in my life,
just for one minute...
...I would like to let go...
...just to feel different...
...if only for a minute.
Hello, Priscilla. You were supposed
to have those numbers on my desk by 5.
-Oh, Christ.
-It's now 6:30...
...and I'm still waiting here at my desk.
I want them first thing in the morning.
Good night, Priscilla.
Hey, Priscilla, it's me,
Wayne the Pool Guy.
-Hi. How you doing? Good.
-Hi. Good.
I would like a piece of your chocolate cake
and a glass of red wine.
-Okay. Okay.
-Oh, and some milk as well. Thank you.
I finally caught you.
You're not gonna believe this.
I think I'm finally ready for that pool.
-Would you like to sit down and join me?
-You're kidding me.
-Dinner's on me. Scotch, rocks.
-Okay.
So, Priscilla...
-...why do you want a pool?
-Now you wanna talk me out of it?
No, no, it's just that, you know,
even at half price, it's:
I'm paying full price.
Even at my special
summer-discount rate...
...it's gonna put a deep dent
in your pocketbook.
So I want you to be sure.
If you don't want a pool, don't get a pool.
-But what about your commercial?
-We already shot it.
Yeah. They put a pool in your backyard
with a computer.
Looks real.
It's gonna premiere next week.
What about the old one?
Well.... Yeah, well, I think it aired
for the last time about an hour ago.
I missed it.
-I'll send you a tape.
-Thanks, but it won't be the same.
Yeah. Thank you.
Well, salud.
There are three reasons
why people get a pool.
One, to keep up with the Joneses.
Two, if you can believe this...
...to get people to come to their house.
And the third reason...
...I want you to tell me.
Come on, come on.
-Swimming?
-Bingo.
That's it. Swimming.
Nobody ever gets that.
It's the most obvious.
And it's the most meaningful.
What do you mean by that?
Well, all right, forget I'm a salesman
for a second.
Just a second. All right.
Emotionally and spiritually speaking...
...swimming is the best thing
you can do for yourself.
You wanna know why?
Metamorphosis.
Even in Cleveland, Ohio...
...you have a chance at rebirth
every time you dive in the water.
But what if you wanna stay
who you are?
What kind of question is that?
Everybody wants to change.
-Oh, really?
-Of course.
-Don't they?
-I'm just giving you a hard time.
You see that? You try to be sincere...
-...and all you get is grief.
-I was kidding.
I was kidding.
I'm very pro-metamorphosis.
Sucker.
No, you meant every word.
-Here you go.
-Good.
There you are.
Nice combo.
Anyway...
...to be honest, I think I should
try someone else's pool first.
I have a pool.
Is that an invitation?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess
it's an invitation, yeah.
When?
Watch your step here. Yes.
-All this for building pools.
-Yeah.
Yeah. You ready?
Check it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I built it for my wife.
She died 16 years ago.
She must have loved it.
She had her moods.
She would be crying at the top...
...and laughing by the time
she hit the pool. Yeah. Yeah.
-So you like it? Really?
-Oh, yeah. I think it's a--
-I think it's amazing.
-You wanna try it?
-Now?
-Yeah.
-Will you come with me?
-No.
-No?
-No.
No. No, I don't ever. I never do. Never do.
Wayne, when was the last time
you went swimming in this pool?
It's been a while.
So all that talk about metamorphosis
and renewal...
...it was just talk?
I have suits inside.
-Okay.
-Let's go.
Come on. I think I have one that fits you.
It's my favorite. I wear it--
When I'm all alone, I wear it.
No, I'm only kidding.
It's wood. Nice. Sturdy.
It's like a tree house.
How high is it?
The slide is 300 feet, so....
And then this is, you know....
-You go first and I'll spot you.
-Okay.
Wow, this....
Yeah, I forgot all about this.
Wow, the Terminal Tower.
That's where I work.
What do you actually do in advertising?
I bring business to Cleveland.
-That's a cool job.
-Yeah, it is.
I like it.
-I'm really glad I came.
-Me too.
We can't stay up here all night.
Anyway, let me get....
All right.
-Okay?
-Okay.
All right, so you go on it.
Okay, get down...
...and then, let's see....
I'm gonna get over here like this. Yeah.
Ready? Put your legs around me.
Okay, all right.
And hold on to my waist, right?
Okay, yeah.
-You can hold on. I won't break.
-Okay.
Okay.
-Ready?
-Yeah, I'm ready.
One, two...
...three!
I'm sorry.
No. More.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay.
What's so funny?
Well, you're not gonna believe this...
...but you're the first man who's ever...
...you know, made me come.
You mean, you...?
Not until Wayne.
Wayne the Pool Guy.
Yeah, that is funny.
Hysterical.
Well, you just took 15 years off my life.
Now, come here.
Oh, Wayne.
Oh, Wayne. Wayne.
What a name.
You should keep your slide on
all the time.
How come?
Because then I'd come over.
Get your own pool.
-Good morning.
-Priscilla.
No sizzling garlic beef
this weekend, I see.
I guess you already know.
Know what?
We're taking a group of Chinese brewers
on a tour this morning.
-Can you handle it?
-I don't think so.
Guess what they wanna see.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
You wish.
They wanna see the crown jewel
of Cleveland's public school system:
Carmen High.
Jack's back.
Morning.
You motherfuckers ready to learn?
Because I'm gonna
teach the shit out of you.
-Yeah!
-All right.
You guys are gonna be cool, right?
You're not gonna tell the principal I swore?
Miss Taylor's not here, I see.
All right.
We had very high SAT scores last year....
Come on. I know there's
something you wanna tell me.
No, there isn't.
You have a big, juicy secret.
I can smell it.
-Me and Wayne the Pool Guy.
-Liar.
And another archaebacteria that can
survive in inhospitable environments...
...is the halobacteria...
...which is unique...
-...because of its pigment.
-They're educating.
And who could tell me what that is?
It's the color?
Holy shit. Look at him.
That's right, but maybe one of our
esteemed guests here would know.
-The color is orange?
-That's right.
Goes the little bear.
One chop, two chop, tickle under....
That felt so good.
Yeah, that's what I always
try to tell myself.
Feel good. Don't feel bad, feel good.
Pizza and a six-pack.
Oh, it's so late though.
So?
Okay. I'll have a plain.
Cool. Plain?
No, I'll have sausage and onions.
Very brave.
You worried that I'm
falling in love with you?
If I were, I wouldn't be here.
-Bertino's Pizzeria.
-Gonna be open late?
-Yeah, we're open late.
-I'll be there in two hours.
Hey, Jack.
Hey. I bet you can't catch me.
-Hey.
-Excuse me. Sorry.
Hey, I know you. Wait.
You're Jack Chase.
You're my daughter's teacher.
I'm Binky Taylor,
Kristen Taylor's father.
Kristen Tay-- Oh, Kristen.
Yeah. Oh, she's very bright.
The Taylor family...
...will be eternally grateful to you.
It was your class that got
Kristen off the cannabis...
...and onto the right track.
Here she is.
Hi, Dad. Hello, Mr. Chase.
Kristen.
Shouldn't you be
doing your homework?
I don't know about that.
Kristen's going to Harvard.
Harvard, the school?
She hasn't taken that Harvard T-shirt off
for three weeks since she got the news.
Congratulations, Kristen.
It takes a very special person
to get into Harvard.
No, Mr. Chase.
Congratulations to you.
If this country
had more teachers like you...
...dedicated, decent men,
our kids would be in a lot better shape.
You, sir, are an everyday hero.
-Thank you.
-No. Thank you.
Say thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Chase.
You're a great teacher.
Alrighty. Well, take care.
Okay, now.
Hey, it's me.
It was great seeing you
the other day.
I was thinking that maybe we could
hook up sometime and grab some dinner.
Nothing serious or anything.
Just, you know, to catch up.
Whenever you want.
Just let me know.
That suit is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah.
Damn, he looks good.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm starving.
So, what have you been up to?
Oh, I don't know.
Not much.
No?
You can tell me, you know. It's me.
Well...
...I've been broadening my horizons...
...taking some seminars...
...and discovering parts of Cleveland
I never knew existed.
Neat.
Well, here's to you.
The hell is that?
Shit.
I'm involved in a love triangle
with a younger, fitter rival.
This is bullshit.
What about you?
What have you been doing?
What have I been doing?
Probably sounds pretentious...
...but I've been trying to make myself
a better man.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah.
I've been really focused
on teaching...
...and, I don't know, I'm thinking about
maybe going back to school.
I'm so proud of you.
That's wonderful.
Here's to you.
Thank you.
-It's great to see you.
-You too.
Oh, and also, every morning...
...I've been getting up and exercising.
A lot of jogging
and that kind of thing.
I've lost six pounds already.
You look like you lost more.
I haven't weighed myself today, so....
Thank you.
It must be driving you crazy
wondering why I brought you here, huh?
I've been thinking that maybe--
Are you listening to me?
Because this is important.
-I mean, this--
-Yeah, I'm listening.
This is--
What's so funny?
Nothing.
I've been thinking that maybe...
...we should get back together.
Oh, Jack.
Well, here's to you.
-Good to see you.
-You too.
A gazebo? What are you, crazy?
You're not a gazebo girl.
A touch of the bubbly.
I wanna go again.
Here, hold on just a second.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking.
Even though there's this big
age difference between us--
How old are you, anyway?
Old.
Somehow, while I was worried about
drains and chlorine...
...I turned into the old guy, but--
Here. The thing is, I don't have anybody
to leave my business to.
I mean, when I kick,
when the ticker goes, that's it.
I can find you a buyer
within a week, Wayne.
-A reputable buyer.
-Yeah, well....
But I was thinking that,
even with all our differences...
-...we make a good team.
-Yeah.
You like to stay up late.
Nope. Early bird.
Okay.
All right,
maybe it's not the sleep thing.
Well, there's the sex.
The sex. Yes, the sex. Jesus Christ.
Really wonderful.
And you gotta know...
...I haven't been in this pool
since my wife died.
Anyway, considering
all these ingredients...
...and that you've got
a great head for business...
...and the fact that I might be
falling in love with you...
-...I was wondering--
-Are you gonna ask me to marry you?
Actually...
...I was gonna ask you
if you would be my girlfriend.
-I'll think about it.
-Okay.