The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them (1992) Movie Script
1
Two types of creatures
in the wild kingdom...
The predators and the prey.
When we decide to predate...
they had better pray.
Whatever.
You see, life was
simple for David and me.
We were captains of our own ships.
We decided when the periscope goes up.
And when the periscope goes down,
when to fire the torpedoes
and who was under attack.
And then David ventured
foolishly into uncharted waters.
The purpose of a man
is to love a woman
The purpose of a
woman is to love a man
So come on, baby,
let's start today
Come on, baby, let's play
The game of love
The game of love
Come on, baby, 'cause
the time is right
Come on, baby, 'cause
the time is right
Love your daddy
with all your might
Love your daddy
with all your might
Put your arms around
me and hold me tight
Put your arms around
me and hold me tight
Play the game of love
The purpose of a man
is to love a woman
The purpose of a
woman is to love a man
So come on, baby,
let's start today
Come on, baby, let's play
- Ow!
- The game of love
Aah! Ow.
It's not polite to spy.
I wasn't spying. I was leering.
You know, this thing
reinforces bad viewing habits.
You should learn to look
at a woman as a whole.
Hey, listen.
I'm way too enlightened
to look at women like that.
I meant as opposed to just half.
It's a periscope in a bar. Lighten up.
You just shouldn't look
at women as objects.
Oh, no. You see, I was
looking at women objectively.
You know, I don't care for semantics.
Hmm. Too bad. I'm Jewish.
Hey, can I buy you a drink?
I don't think so.
The... the whole you?
Ow.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Trouble, skipper?
- Uh, flesh wound.
There we go. That's much better.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Medicinal purposes.
Hi!
Hey. Oh, you look great.
I've never seen this.
Yes. Well, I can hide
a small child in this.
So you should go for it.
Little dimples, little ass.
Little potential.
You and your potential quotient.
Have you got some sort of
potential-calculator device in your head?
- I mean, how do you know?
- Zoe, I know the type.
I am in love with that girl.
David, that girl intended and
inflicted bodily injury on you.
You don't marry girls like that.
You file restraining
orders against them.
- Ho. Spider sense tingling.
- Where?
Don't look. 3:00. Don't look!
I'm sensing a Germanic accent.
Swedish. Stewardesses, maybe.
Uh, secretaries. German
bank upstairs. Ah.
Two Beck's. Two Beck's.
Cover me. I'm going in.
One more furtive glance between you
two, and I will spew pia colada.
He is cute.
I was sitting down the end of the bar,
and I was thinking, "Jeez.
I've never met a European
woman who didn't like beer."
I've got two. Is this perfect?
One for you and one for you.
Now, if you don't
like beer, that's fine.
Could be now is a good time for beer.
For all you know, he may be the sweetest,
most sensitive, evolved guy on the planet.
I like dark beer, actually.
Hanna, Marta, this is
my, uh, good friend David.
- Then again...
- Let's go.
So, uh, you're both secretaries.
No... tellers. Munchen Bank.
I bank there. Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Last week. I, uh, you broke a
Deutschemark for me. Do... do you remember?
No. Mnh-mnh.
So, here it is, Friday
night. Early Friday night.
And I'm sure it's only a matter of time
before you revert to shelter mentality...
- ...and say something like...
- I'm so tired. I just want to go home.
Exactly.
Zoe, any guy you meet in a
bar picks up women in bars.
Therefore, I can safely
rule out that guy,
as cute as he may have been,
just based on the general theory
of guilt by geographic association.
Then I have to ask you, what
were we doing in the bar?
We were having a drink.
Okay. We were spending
some time together.
- We live together.
- All right, Zoe. Okay.
We were scoping and scamming,
just like everybody else.
- Are you happy?
- Was that so hard?
Oh.
Red line outbound. Next
stop, Harvard square.
Oh, perfect. Ten of my
favorite pickup lines,
25 bucks worth of drinks,
a whole lot of wasted charm
only to find out that
Hanna and Marta were lovers.
- I hate that.
- Yeah. Go figure.
Well, the night's not a total wash, huh?
We'll go catch a little Joe
down at the Cantab Lounge.
- What do you say?
- Oh, great. Great.
Oh, please tell me you've
gotten over the finger crusher.
Yeah, well...
- The memory lingers a bit, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
But you've got the answer
for that, don't you?
Sure, I do.
We erase that memory by
staying out all night,
destroying our brain cells with alcohol
and sociopathic behavior.
Easy solutions to life's
difficult problems.
- I feel better.
- Of course you do.
So we stayed out all night and drank
Tequila, and neither one of us scored.
I, uh, of course, succeeded in the
research-and-development department.
Andrea. Mm-hmm.
652-94...
I don't remember Andrea.
Aha. Yeah. Mimi. Mimi, I remember.
627-43...
I don't remember Mimi.
That's the problem with Tequila.
Mimi.
Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts
and Cracker Jack
Oh, he is too darling. I love him.
- That is an MVP ass.
- No. It's entirely too small.
- No! No!
- I'm telling you, it's too small.
- There. Big enough for you?
- Whoa!
Now, that's better.
Peanuts! Get your peanuts!
Yeah! All right! Here!
Comin' at ya! Here you go. Honey!
Peanuts!
Peanuts!
Beer here. Beer.
- Yo. Two beers.
- Light?
- What?
- Light beer?
Do I look like a pussy?
- Here you go.
- Thanks, pal.
Beer here.
- Spider sense tingling.
- Oh, your spider sense is fucked.
No, I wish. Red hair, blue top.
It's Winnie the Pooh and
Tigger, too, from last night.
- No.
- Yes.
How many chicks have the joker's hair?
- Joker has green hair, asshole.
- Cracker Jacks here. Cracker Jacks.
- What did I say?
- Garcon!
Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks.
Um, yeah. Cracker Jack here.
All right. Hey, Cracker
Jacks, everybody.
Peanuts, Cracker Jacks a buck.
You got any Cracker Jack?
- Give me a minute here.
- Plenty of Cracker Jacks.
Anybody for peanuts and Cracker Jacks?
Yeah. Yeah!
All right. Now, listen. Do me a favor.
Bring this down, please,
to that lady in blue.
What do I look like, a freakin' mailman?
- Here. Look. Buy yourself a beer.
- Hey. Special delivery.
Look. They're not
even watching the game.
It looks like they're checking
out Bruno's back. Look.
- Come on, batter!
- Play ball!
Okay. I bet she goes for
the toy surprise first.
- What's this?
- What do I know? Secret admirer.
- Secret admirer.
- Wow!
Come on! Come on!
That's hysterical!
- They're back.
- And they're really dorky-looking.
And they're right behind
you. How about that, huh?
Oh, you know, you really
shouldn't look at men like this.
It's demeaning. Visual
dismemberment, remember?
All right, lighten up. It's
just a day at the ball park.
I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to
Mattingly for the best seat in the majors.
Are you nuts? What about Bo?
I mean, are we talking
size or shape here?
I think I'm secure
enough in my own sexuality
to say that Mattingly's ass
kicks ass on any other ass.
You are so enlightened.
- Uh, I'm David.
- Carrie.
- Eli Mattingly. How are you?
- Hi. I'm Zoe.
- I see you brought a glove.
- Um, it's Zoe's.
We could tell. It kind
of matches her hair.
Oh! Well, if it were skin tone,
I guess I could say the
same thing about you.
Ouch. A hair-loss joke. Very good.
Luckily for me, women are very
attracted to a receding hairline.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- I said women.
You know, if you're
gonna make the catch, um,
it's easier if you do it like this.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Sure.
Course, I don't think there's gonna
be any homers with the wind blowing in.
Oh!
Great grab.
Of course, when you hit
it that hard, you know,
cuts right through that wind.
Throw it back! Throw it back!
Throw it back!
House rules... Bleacher
etiquette dictates
that you got to throw back
a homer by the opposition.
Throw it back! Throw
it back! Throw it back!
Yes! A woman after my own heart.
So, um, how about an autograph
and, uh, phone number?
- It was on the ball. Yeah.
- No.
No!
No!
Ohh!
- Ah, chill, babe. It ain't over.
- It's over.
- No, it isn't. Lick me.
- What are we, Siegfried and Roy?
Aw! Ick!
- And? Voil.
- Hmm.
So I give the number
on the tattoo to Eli.
I thought it would be a laugh.
And what happens? David calls Carrie.
Carrie blows up at me.
See, she thinks David
is hugely unimpressive.
So I go, "Fine. If David
is so hugely unimpressive,
why have you accepted his
invitation to the movies?"
So she goes, "Well, I
felt sorry for the guy.
He sounded so desperate."
Then she locks herself in the bathroom
and removes all superfluous body hair.
I'm worried.
The three F's of dating...
One... film, two... food,
- three... fuck.
- Can you write that down?
You'll remember. You're gonna be fine.
- And you're gonna need this.
- What's that?
- Remember how Batman had a utility belt?
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, he should've had one of
these. He would've done a lot better.
I got everything you need
for the date, all right?
I got a tongue depressor in here.
- I got a little dental dam here for you.
- What is that?
Safe sex includes our
dear friend fellatio.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Where do you get this stuff?
Remember the dental
hygienist I was dating?
Kept a few samples.
Now, the condoms are from
my own personal stock, huh?
The good stuff.
Eli, look, it's... It's a first date.
It's, well, my future wife.
We have film? Yes.
Food? Probably.
Anything else after
that, I can't really say.
All right.
Worst comes to worst,
you make balloon animals.
- So I haven't been to a movie
- So, what do you, uh...
So, uh... I'm sorry.
No, sorry. What?
No, just... you haven't
been to a movie, or...
No, what were you gonna say?
Um, uh, what... what do
you do? That, actually.
Mm. I work for the mayor.
Our mayor?
Your mayor. I-I work in his
office. I mean, for his office.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sounds... sounds impressive.
It's not.
Well, I'm impressed.
Yeah?
Well, you're easily impressed.
I like that in a man.
I'll remember that.
- This guy is kicking my seat.
- Oh, I hate that.
Hey, could you just knock it off?
Knock what off?
- Well, anyway, you see that guy there?
- Yeah.
- Are they bothering you?
- Do you want to move?
No.
Hey. Why bother whispering?
Oh, darling...
Talk about violence in the movies.
Boy, your eye is really swollen.
You know, you should've told
me. We wouldn't have stayed.
No, no, no. It's... glancing blow.
- I wanted you to see the movie.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.
- Ooh. Is that better?
- Considerably.
Thanks.
So, um... What are you gonna have?
Uh...
Strudel sounds good.
Oh, no. No. You never order the strudel.
See, restaurants always are out of it,
so they try and push the cheesecake on you
'cause they have too much of that.
- You ready?
- Uh, yeah. I'm gonna have the strudel.
- We're out.
- Well, gee, what do you recommend?
Cheesecake is good.
- Soup.
- Soup.
- Large bowl?
- Two spoons.
Hmm. How romantic.
I'm charging you for the extra spoon.
I'll splurge.
So, what did you call
those things in the soup?
- You're not Jewish, are you?
- No.
I'm from Wellesley,
a suburb rivaled only by Green
Acres in ethnic diversity.
Okay. All right.
Well, the little round things are called matzo
balls, or knaidlach, called by my people.
Um, little ravioli things
are called kreplach,
invented while we were wandering in
the desert and needed something to eat
after throwing all the
knaidlach at our enemies.
I knew that.
Well, thanks for seeing my movie.
- Sure.
- Did you like it?
Uh, no.
I-I liked you.
The way that you laughed
at all the wrong stuff.
And cried with her.
You're not cynical.
You surrendered yourself to the story.
I like that.
Um, you know, David,
I-I don't think that we should
get into anything physical.
Ow! Ooh. That hurts.
That's one of those clich lines
they teach them to say in Cosmo,
and she just fired it right at him.
Real nice.
I mean, the guy just wanted
a kiss, not The Story of O.
I-I didn't...
Could you please repeat that?
I just don't think we
should rush into anything.
- What changed your mind?
- I started kissing you.
- What was that?
- The lamp.
Oh.
- What was that?
- Cat.
Oh.
W-whoa!
- Haagen-dazs?
- Don't panic, dude.
We're like hell's angels.
We share everything.
Oh, I'm sorry.
M-maybe we can fix it or something.
That's my parents' wedding picture.
It's 35 years old.
Shit.
- Well, maybe we can glue it or... something.
- I'll be right back.
Keep away from my precious daughter.
- Kenneth, they're just necking.
- Oh, yes?
Well, maybe we better check the
contents of his bat utility belt.
With all due respect, sir,
we are consenting adults.
Carrie is an adult,
and you are consenting.
My daughter is not going to be
another one of your little conquests.
- Do you hear me, young man?
- Kenneth.
David, I'm sorry, but, um...
It's late, and I have to
be at aerobics at 5:30.
- A.M.?
- Mm-hmm.
Bryant Gumbel sleeps later than that.
No. I-I understand.
It's...
- Um, here.
- Thanks.
I'm kind of tired myself.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Gentlemen, we came, we
saw, we kicked pomboose.
Ah. Next week, try 5:00,
5:30. Any questions?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crown's date
...Uh, recap, inning by inning.
We lucked out in this market, babe.
Oh, we got duffed.
Suffice to say, I haven't seen
any balloon-animal giraffes
roaming the streets of our fair town.
This Carrie chick... What does she do?
Uh, mayor's office.
Uh, speech-writing,
fund-raising...
- ...staff work for the mayor.
- Hey, can she fix my parking tickets?
Can she fix me up?
Ooh. You should see this chick, man.
- Brunette, baby blues.
- Hey.
- Titties?
- Nice.
Very nice. Perhaps the perfect woman.
- Eli, gentlemen.
- Uh-huh.
Now, the perfect woman is
more than simply a genetically
desirable combination of tits and ass.
Oh, at last... a real man.
She's also rich, cooks,
and pees standing up.
Pigs.
I feel terrible about this.
I mean, you suppose Carrie and her friends
are sitting around, schmoozing like this?
What, do you think she's a cheerleader?
She's not sitting around like
Olivia Newton-John in Grease, pal.
Tell me more, tell me more
Was it love at first sight?
Solid shot on the left-hand lane.
So Ferraro, who's playing a little...
You gonna call her?
- Hmm?
- Carrie chick.
Maybe. Just maybe.
You know, Care, there's no rule
that says you can't call him.
You realize, of course,
there's only two scenarios here.
If you got laid, there's
no reason to call her again.
And if you didn't, no
reason to call her again.
The beach master is the most
respected and exalted of all the males.
But notice when the
female enters his focuses,
even the revered beach master
is struck by innate awkwardness.
All he does now is lie there, inert,
like a giant bowl of marmalade,
while she waits... and waits...
And waits.
The female understands this ritual. But
that does not make it any easier for her.
As the beach master feigns
supposed indifference,
this stalemate can only be broken if he
and she leave their respective fields,
And meet in a neutral area, perhaps
here, in the ocean's icy depths...
...to frolic.
- One of my favorites.
- Yeah, me too.
- Its Colors, right?
- No, no.
It's just that whenever I've been scalped
with a particularly treacherous haircut,
I check out the Vin-Man's do.
Come on. The guy could
care less about appearances.
I mean, the way he perceived
the world in his mind,
he... he was a genius.
Yeah, agreed, albeit
a sick, nutty genius.
This is a guy who lopped off his ear
and federal-expressed it to his honey.
Vinny, babe, what
were you thinking, huh?
Walk with me. Talk to me.
You don't cut off anything for anybody.
Not above the waist, not
below. It ain't worth it.
Do you remember Samson at all?
I don't care if
Michelle fucking Pfeiffer
and Madonna want to give
you a pedicure and a trim.
The answer is no. No can do.
Yeah. O-okay.
Look, I really don't think
it's a mistake on our part.
But if it is, you can be sure
I'll get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, zoning law
passed on July 14, 1973.
Next time you don't do your homework,
bring a note from your mother.
All right. Terrific.
Fax me.
All right. I want a
Turkey on whole wheat.
Tell Linda whatever you want. We'll go
through the North End as we eat, okay?
- Hey, David.
- I thought I'd take you out to lunch.
Oh, I'm sorry. Adam, did you meet David?
No.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you?
I would love to, but I
got so much to do, hon.
Why don't you go ahead?
I'll take care of it.
No, no. It's okay. I-I understand.
Okay. Sorry.
Hey, how about a movie tonight?
Is Adam coming?
He'd love to, but Thursday
nights is his gay-rights meeting.
- Really?
- No.
But I thought it'd make you feel better.
- Coffee? That's all? Coffee?
- Yes, coffee.
- The stuff from Brazil?
- In a cup?
You know, I'd also like to have the...
Never mind.
There's a $2.50 minimum per person.
We understand and
accept your conditions.
I never liked you.
Yes, we know that. And that's okay.
Why didn't you let me order?
Strudel! Your own recipe?
Entenmann's.
Oh!
- New lamp.
- Oh.
Same cat?
- Oh!
- Oh!
Wait. No roommate?
- Zoe's gone the whole weekend.
- Let's get the Haagen-dazs.
- Here. There.
- Where?
And this is supposed to prove...?
How gullible you are after great sex.
Yeah? And you need proof?
Actually, the melting point will
determine the hottest part of your body...
- And, thus, the most susceptible.
- Oh, come on! It's running!
- The most sensitive.
- David, these are new sheets.
The most erogenous.
This is like some bizarre
checkup from Mr. Freeze.
Wait till you see my bill.
If you fuck her, she will come.
Stop. Stop.
If you fuck her, she will come.
Oh.
Psst.
Psst. David! Listen up.
Champ, you looked good.
You looked good. It
was great, wonderful.
Right now you're in the
grips of her hormonal madness,
which is good. Don't get me
wrong. It's a lot of fun to watch.
Just don't get carried away
here, okay? This is business.
All right? Stick and
move. Stick and move.
I mean, don't let your emotions
get the better of you here.
Very important. And, David...
Whatever you do, do not... I
repeat... do not spend the night.
Either I've developed a
horrible scalp problem...
or I have rum raisin all in my hair.
Oh, here. Let me do it.
- You don't have to.
- I want to.
- How's that?
- Mmm...
- Oh, you like that?
- Mm-hmm.
I remember when I was little...
my dad used to do this for
me when I couldn't sleep.
Would you do this for me every night?
Comb her hair every
night? What am I, nuts?
The implication of that
question is downright unnerving.
But you know, sometimes you...
just can't help yourself.
I mean, you got to say what you feel.
Sometimes it... it just comes out.
Absolutely.
I would do this for you every night.
That's right.
We call the following stage in this
new relationship "the sickening phase,"
during which he doesn't care if she
window-shops for 3 1/2 hours nonstop,
and she suddenly loves to measure
the firing gap in his spark plugs.
And they feed each other and stroll
together with these "Kumbaya" smiles,
and when they do actually
speak, it's that baby talk.
You know the baby talk you
share only with your loved one,
'cause you know that shit don't
fly at work with your buddies.
The rigors of courtship completed,
all animals enjoy a period of bliss,
known as "the sickening phase."
Here are the zebra,
the penguin, the ape.
Perhaps the most intriguing species
to observe during this phase...
...is the human being. The couple.
Here we see them deriving mutual
pleasures from feeding ducks.
Oops.
They have sensed our camera's presence.
They have decided to move on.
Here we see them walking
arm in arm down a path,
and... no. W-we are scientists.
We are from nature films!
We... oh! I'm s...
Oh, shit! Mad!
Oh, God! Philippe!
Cut.
Another salient
characteristic of this phase...
The loyal friends of the afflicted
couple may as well drop off the planet.
I mean, forget midnight pig-outs,
when the only thing that kept
you from joining a convent...
was four bags of garlic potato
chips and your best friend.
Forget your best friend.
I mean, she's a Siamese
twin, and three's a crowd.
Of course, she still
has to meet his friends.
So, how long have you known David?
Oh, David?
Uh, David's one of my
oldest and closest friends.
I mean, he's a really, really great guy.
I mean, you're really
lucky to have snagged him.
- I mean, he's a great guy, really.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good friend, great guy. I mean it.
- I believe you.
That's why it hurts me so much
that I have to ask you out.
Excuse me?
Normally, I would think twice about
hitting on a friend's chick like this.
But, Carrie, you're just
too awesome to let go.
- Let go.
- Hmm.
- Mm, what do you got there?
- Drop dead.
You know I like it
I like it, I like it
You know I like it
I like it, and I love you so
What are you doing?
Oh, I gotta judge the
perfect-breast competition.
What do you think?
Well, I don't think that there, um...
should be chocolate-chip cookies.
You're right. They're too small.
Hey, can I get a couple
cupcakes down here?!
Feel it, feel it
Baby, let me feel it
Feel it, feel it
In my soul
Friendly face at last.
- Feel it in my soul
- Hiya.
Hey, well, what are you making?
Well, you know, they have their
perfect-breast competition,
so I thought I'd sculpt
the perfect penis.
- Isn't it a dream come true?
- Hey!
You know I like it
I like it
Fellas! Look!
Looks like something out
of Dune. Nice job, Zoe.
- Hey, you.
- No.
Yes. We need more
bodies for strip twister.
- Zoe!
- Yes!
Aaah!
So jealous.
Hey, wait for me! I'm double-jointed!
Wait! I can do amazing things!
Right hand, blue. Left hand, yellow.
Very nice.
Babies. You see, I'm a guy
who knows a lot about babies.
I want to love somebody
I'm not having a good time.
Oh, was Eli cheating again?
You know, you cannot trust that guy
to call a clean round of strip twister.
Yeah, he made up the colors.
Well, you see, he's
color-blind like a, you know...
Like a schnauzer.
And then he brings over this cooler
full of ice water and... dumps it on me.
See, you gotta hose down
the board between games.
Otherwise, it gets all gritty.
- And, David...
- Yeah?
- One of your friends keeps hitting on me.
- What? Who is it? Point him out.
- There. That guy.
- George? George!
- Hey, George, over here!
- Me?
- Yeah.
- All right, don't move.
George, you're hitting on my girlfriend?
Yeah, absolutely. She's
really awesome, David.
Yeah, she is, isn't she?
Hey, look, George, please
don't do it anymore, okay?
- I'll try.
- Thanks.
Look, so, my friends don't sit
around discussing Susan Sontag.
Face it, David... your friends
couldn't discuss Dr. Seuss.
They're normal people, Carrie.
Is it normal for George
to proposition me?
- George propositions everyone.
- Terrific.
And what about Eli railroading
me into that degrading beach game?
David, if it's pop psychology you
want... "I'm okay, you're okay"...
Your friends are dickheads.
Excuse me.
Charles, have you seen, uh, Carrie?
I believe Lizbeth is showing
the new China pattern.
Come on, come on, join
us. We're playing charades.
- Charades.
- Charades.
Oh, I just love charades.
That's right, we're playing charades.
Come on, everybody,
charades. Buffy, Jody, Sissy.
Brian, Keith, you play, too.
Okay. I go first.
- You always go first.
- Chipper's host. He's got dibs.
All right.
It's a movie.
Fatal Attraction.
Lucky guess.
Okay. I get to go again.
All right.
- A book.
- Bonfire of the Vanities.
Perhaps we should play some other game.
- I meant to tell you.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi. I'm, uh...
Hey.
Welcome to Thirtysomething.
Can I get you some brie?
Uhh... you got any bean dip?
Thank God. So, what are you doing here?
Zoe said it was cool.
She's not here. She knew better.
Bitch! I've been had.
Oh!
Of course, the view is awfully nice.
Interesting food,
stocked bar. I'm staying.
Carrie, darling. So
good to see you. Kisses.
That ice looks cold. Is it?
Eli, this is my... this is Charles.
Charles, my friend Eli.
Honest to God pleasure
to meet you, Chas.
May I call you Chas?
- Actually, I prefer "Chipper."
- "Chipper" it is.
Help yourself to a
drink. Pictionary later.
Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.
Let me freshen that for you.
- What is that?
- A vodka and bourbon?
No, I'm a doctor. Now, listen.
He's pawing my friends.
I think she wants to be pawed.
No, she's just getting over a
divorce. She's very vulnerable.
- And I don't think that Eli...
- Eli is what... not good enough?
Y-you don't think my
friends are good enough?
Is that what you're trying
to say? Huh, huh, huh?
...is aware that his fly is open.
- Oh. Eli!
- Yeah.
- Psst!
- Ah.
I tried.
Well, what about your friend Chipper?
He was following me from room to room.
"Excuse me, David, but what
exactly kind of Jew are you?
Are you an assimilated Jew
or are you a committed Jew?"
Chipper's minor was
Comparative Religion.
At least he didn't rip off your bathing
suit, and spray ice water on you.
Eli is absolutely right. You
just have no sense of humor.
And yet their relationship survived.
I mean, I've heard that love is blind,
but I guess it's also deaf, dumb,
and undauntingly tolerant of all
prejudices, personal or external.
There just might be something to it.
I'm not sure.
Gather 'round, children. Gather 'round.
Yo, yo, yo, quiet now.
No flashing. No flashing.
I'll send you people home. I'll do it.
Construction of the Statehouse
was completed under
budget and on time in 1782.
Guess they didn't have
a Union then. Ha ha ha.
Anyways, if you notice the
beautiful rococo tile...
Isn't is beautiful?
Can you say "rococo"?
- Rococo.
- Rococo.
Very good. Very good.
So, this is where it all happens...
Discussion, or discourse,
between the governor...
Can the governor park
his car anywhere he wants?
What happens in there?
I'll check.
Whoo!
That's what we like to
call a gubernatorial aide
and her gentleman friend,
and they are, uh...
Photocopying.
Are they facilitating state government?
W-well, what's good for the
people is good for the state.
Alexander Hamilton said that.
Actually, this is my lunch hour.
And you spend it with him?
Hey.
I'm... in love with this woman.
And she's in love with me. Right?
Yes, I am.
But aren't you afraid of being caught?
Why not save it for later... at home?
Well, see, we work different hours,
and h-her apartment's
really very far away, so...
- Wait... you two don't live together?
- They don't have to.
Puh-lease, Bobby.
If you and I were sharing conjugal
relations on a laser copier...
- Fat chance!
- We'd be living together,
especially if I kept clothes and
stuff and shampoo at your place.
- You do keep shampoo there?
- And conditioner.
Look, you either move in or move on.
Face it, dude. The
writing's on the wall.
You know, they call it
"living in sin" for a reason.
Whatever. They did
it. She moved in, yeah.
"Stop by our apartment,"
David says the other day to me.
"Our apartment?" Excuse me?
She moves into his apartment,
and suddenly it's "our apartment."
I don't know.
Maybe I'm taking this
too hard. I don't know.
W-w-what... I should bring them a
housewarming gift for their apartment?
You tell me. I don't know.
What's the perfect
housewarming gift for them?
Brought you a little housewarming gift.
Oh, Eli.
You didn't have to.
They'll come in handy.
Don't kid yourself.
Where's Carrie?
Um, she's out getting some more plants.
More plants? Well, that's good.
It's kind of phase one of
the master plan, isn't it?
Plants need a lot of watering, a
lot of feeding, a lot of attention.
It softens you up a
little bit for phase two...
Babies.
You're getting a little paranoid.
Paranoid. Who said I'm paranoid?
If I told you once, I
told you a million times...
If you let a babe
infiltrate the home base,
eventually she'll eradicate
every trace of the essential you.
- Oh, what's this?
- What's what?
This... colors and bad frame.
Oh, I don't know. Carrie likes it.
- Carrie likes it?
- Yeah, yeah, I like it, too.
Aah.
You think Carrie's different, don't you?
Yes. Yes. You don't think
she's gonna make demands...
...move you to the suburbs and load
you down with babies and barbecue.
Y-you know something?
I think Carrie's right.
You're a little afraid of women.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
You talk to Carrie about me?
Eli, we live together.
Of course I talk to her.
I talk to her about everything.
- W-what'd you tell her?
- Nothing.
You know, it's just... For the first time,
I'm looking at things from another side.
There is no other side.
There's them and there's us.
Exactly. You're right.
And sometimes we're a little disgusting.
Okay? So, let's drop it.
Yes, we're disgusting!
We're men. We're idiots. It's the law.
Eli, remember at college
your definition of a lesbian?
Any girl who wouldn't put out.
Right. Exactly.
Well, you know, I no longer agree.
All right, all right.
Do me a favor, okay?
In a couple of months
when you get some time,
fax me your balls,
'cause you don't need 'em.
You ever have one of those
dreams where you're in the water,
you're trying to save
someone from drowning,
and you can't quite reach him?
You're about a fingertip away,
but the current keeps pulling him
further and further out to sea,
and there's nothing
you can do but watch.
How do I save him from slipping away?
How do I bring him back to shore?
Hi, this is David.
Carrie and I aren't here right now,
But you can leave a message,
and we'll get back to you later.
Bye-bye.
Hi, Care. Hello, David.
Three weeks now, and my period is
already in sync with Oprah Winfrey.
Just thought you'd like to know.
David, sweetheart, this is your mother.
Oh! Ugh.
I have two questions...
Number one, why don't you call?
And number two, is
Carrie a boy or a girl?
Shit! I knew I forgot to call someone!
I'm telling you,
everything's gonna be fine.
Oh!
There's a Cohen Brothers Shoes.
Yeah, of course, on Beacon.
No, no, no, further east,
next to the Indian restaurant.
You got it. Okay, Bobby.
Well, it was nice
talking to you, too, hon.
Good luck. Yeah. Bye-bye.
Wrong number, hm.
Don't worry. Brisket
is coming, but first...
- A little soup with knaidlach.
- Oh, I've had those.
Not like these.
This is the tough part.
See, Mrs. C makes this
killer brisket... world-class.
But before you can eat any, you
gotta survive the interrogation...
Survive the interrogation...
So, Carrie, tell us a
little bit about yourself.
I was... I was born and raised
here... I mean, Wellesley.
- Date of birth?
- June 6, 1963.
- Earlier, I thought you said July!
- July. I-I meant July.
Aha. Do I make you nervous, Carrie?
You're my guest. Eat!
Oh, that's good.
I mean, that was excellent!
It was the best knaidlach I've ever had!
Have you ever seen this man before?
Uh, I-I don't think so.
- You don't think so?! Think!
- Uh, no, I'm sure.
And where was your father
during World War II?
Um, college, uh, uh, medical school...
Uh, Dartmouth University.
I went there, also.
Huh.
She made it! Yes!
My David could have gone
to B.U... Harvard, even.
He had the S.A.T.S, but he
wanted to go away from home.
Go figure.
Dear, my husband is a very proud man.
He doesn't like to lose, so if you
could just ease up a bit on your serve.
- You want me to throw the game?
- Come on, come on, come on.
Powwow's over.
No strategy's gonna beat
my little Care Bear and I.
Please, dear? It's in
your own best interest.
Out!
- With a smile.
- By a mile.
I don't know.
I mean, to swallow
your pride in one gulp?
David must be...
...in love.
I don't know.
I do know you won't see
me sucking up like that,
selling out to Kenneth and Giselle for a
few free drinks and convenient court time.
Hey, do you think that's why
I've never been asked back?
David, man-to-man, you had a
pretty fair game going there,
but then you lost the
scent and screwed the pooch.
Killer instinct wins matches.
K.I... close the deal.
- You read Trump?
- I'm waiting for the movie.
Consistency. Follow-through.
Like I tell my lovely wife, Giselle,
tennis, proctology... It's
all in the follow-through.
Well, not... not many people
enjoy your consistency, sir.
Hell, you can smoke a pipe and
play tennis at the same time.
Grace under pressure. I
learned that during the war.
- Uh, Korea?
- No, no, no, no.
Carter administration...
Four years of economic hell.
Crown. Crown.
Should I know that name?
What's the old man do?
- Oh, eat... sleep... complain.
- What?
I'll tell you what
the old man doesn't do.
He doesn't collect animal heads,
he doesn't say things
like "screw the pooch,"
and he doesn't call
Ronald Reagan "the Gipper."
He calls him "that bad actor
from the chimp movies." Oy!
- You like guns, David?
- Well, to tell you the truth, sir, I...
This is a beauty... 12
Gauge over-and-under.
Here, take ahold of it.
Go on, take it. Take it!
Uh. It's not loaded or anything, is it?
Oh, let's see.
Ah. No, it isn't.
Now it is. Here, put
this on your shoulder.
There. Now grab ahold
of the stock there.
And put this hand up
there. There you go.
Now, lean into it. Lean into it.
- How's that feel, son?
- It feels good, sir.
It feels... you know, it
makes you feel like a man.
Aaah!
Lunch.
If you really want to know,
the real expert on the subject
was a girl that Eli knew.
- Yeah? Shock me.
- Yeah.
She's a nurse... nutritionist.
She said that guys are, like,
you know... pure protein.
Of course, that's it... protein.
And... and... and you guys are
just the surgeon generals of love,
just sharing this with
us for our own well-being.
Hmm? Hmm?
Oh, come on, David, can you honestly
say that if you were in my position,
you'd feel any differently?
Hon, if Eli and I were
shipwrecked on a deserted island,
and the only way to survive was,
you know, the nutrients involved,
then, yes, yes! We'd be going down
on each other every five minutes.
I'd kill myself and then him.
Hello? Eli. What's up?
David, get down here
right now. I'm telling you.
The planets are lined up tonight
or something, I don't know,
but the chicks here tonight
are not to be missed.
Now, huh? Mmm...
You don't have to
touch. You can just look.
Yeah, Eli,
look, I can't come down now. It's, uh...
Carrie's not feeling real well,
and I just... I just
can't. It's not a good time.
- What about Friday?
- Friday... uh, yeah, Friday...
- Friday night, definitely.
- No, dinner with Charles and Lizbeth.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh... Eli, I'll call you tomorrow?
- Oh, man, I hope she's worth it.
I'm telling you, you're
missing out big-time, pal.
Big-time.
Mm. You know what? I'm
gonna go take a bath.
Missing out.
Two words that have
haunted me my entire life.
Why can't I just be happy with
where I am and with what I've got?
Why do I keep thinking about where
I could be and what I could get?
Christ.
My scoping days are over.
I mean, I'm different. I'm in love.
Why can't I just be
happy with what I've got?
I just don't know who David is.
I mean, sometimes I-I feel like
I'm living with three men...
Mrs. Crown's little boy, who throws a
tantrum every time he runs out of shampoo,
Eli's best buddy, the one who pulls
back when things get too intimate...
And then there's my David.
He's funny...
he's sensitive...
and considerate.
He's the one I moved in with.
How'd I end up with the other two?
Missing out.
Missing out, like Eli's really doing
something that I want to be a part of.
Excuse me, mister.
We were just coming back
from our cheerleading meet.
We're all virgins,
but for some reason...
maybe it's the planet alignment...
Well, we all decided that
tonight was the night to...
Well... You know...
Go all the way.
So, perhaps you and your
friend could help us out...
You know, take us around
the city, ply us with liquor,
and then take us back to your place?
Well, I'd be delighted, uh...
Of course, it's just
gonna have to be me.
See, all my friends are
busy tonight or too tired,
or home with their live-in girlfriends.
Oh.
Well...
Do you think maybe you could
handle us all by yourself?
Yes. Yes, I do.
David.
David. Listen to me.
What?
Sorry. Uh, what?
You're bored with this
relationship, is that it?
No, no, God, no.
No, you see, it's just that...
Listen...
Pizza is my favorite food...
Pepperoni and sausage, right?
- W-w-what's your favorite food?
- What?
Linguine and clam sauce.
An excellent choice...
Linguine and clam sauce.
It's great. You love it
more than anything else.
You could probably have
it almost every night.
Almost every night, but
you... you wouldn't want to.
You'd want to try something
new, something different.
You know what?
Your little analogy's
starting to piss me off.
Okay. Okay. Let's... let's forget it.
Good.
Let's just...
...go to sleep.
Ow!
- Where were you?
- I was out.
With Eli.
- You could have called.
- Am I on a leash?
Can't I have a good time without you?
Can't you have a good time with me?
Would it be so bad
to... to invite me along?
You know, you used to think
I was pretty good company.
Oh, hon, you know, when...
when Eli and I go out,
you know, it's a... It's a guy thing.
Eli... David and Eli.
David, you're not married to Eli.
Well, I'm not married to you, either.
David, wait.
What's wrong?
A phone call costs 20 cents.
Hello, mommy, can I stay out and play?
Oh, grow up!
All right, you fellas, give
me a little help here, please.
Can I have a show of hands...
All of you who agree with me that a
relationship is a fine place to sleep,
but you wouldn't want to live there.
Ah! See? Clear majority.
Four guys?
What do you want from me?
They're surrounded by the enemy.
What?
- W-we're not talking.
- We're eating.
We used to talk when we ate.
What do you want to talk about?
I don't know. Anything.
- Can we just enjoy our dinner?
- Fine. Yeah.
I can't enjoy my dinner.
Something's happened. I-I just... I
don't feel connected to you anymore.
Do you feel connected to me?
Oh, please don't give
me that look, okay?
And please don't say,
"Oh, Jesus, Carrie."
Okay.
What do you want from me?
We're in trouble, and I just
want to talk to you about it.
Why do you want to talk about it?
When you hit a rough spot,
sometimes the best thing to
do is just ride through it.
Sometimes talking makes it worse.
- Let it go.
- I can't let it go.
We have to deal with this now.
There's nothing to deal with.
You know, Eli's right.
Sometimes you just
over-analyze everything.
What, you and Eli sit
around talking about me?
What do you... what do
you say to Eli about me?
Eli's my friend. We talk about things.
Look, can... can... Can we not do this?
Let... let's stop this
before it turns into a fight.
It is a fight.
Look at me, David.
Wouldn't you rather someone
else be sitting here right now?
No, I wouldn't.
Be honest... wouldn't you
be having a better time...
...if someone else was here and not me?
- No. No one else.
- I don't believe you.
Yeah, okay, all right.
I-I-I can imagine another
woman here with me.
You know what?
And you're right... I'm
having a better time.
Want to know why?
Because she doesn't tell
me what I'm thinking.
And lead me around on a leash,
and she doesn't hang
Hockneys on my wall.
And she doesn't drive me crazy
with bullshit while I'm eating!
Carrie! Let me in!
Wilma!!
Aw! Hate to see that happen.
I'll go make up the couch.
So, she locked you out
of your own apartment.
Our apartment.
Mm-hmm.
Well...
I say let her stay there.
Let her sit in the
apartment with her plants,
and her rolled-up socks
and her Hockster paintings.
Hockney, Eli...
Whatever it is, it's
hers. She can have it.
- I've got the old David back, don't I?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Y-you do remember the
old David, don't you?
Come on, quick... the three F's.
F... what are they?
F... film.
- Yeah.
- F... food.
Yes! Film, food, fuck. Yes!
Welcome back, David.
So, why did we break up?
Why does anybody break up?
Her friends don't like your friends.
Her mother doesn't like you.
She's a prude. You're
an inconsiderate slob.
She forgets to cap the toothpaste.
You like to sleep with the window open.
Is that what it's all about?
Or is being with somebody like...
...getting too close to the sun?
Y-y-you gotta jump back or you're
gonna get burned or go blind.
Hi, you've reached the
apartment of Carrie and Mr. Shit.
We're not here right now, and
if he were, I wouldn't be. Bye.
...earn 1 1/2 times our income
for the same fucking job,
nut-scratching,
beer-belching,
"Was it good for you?"
Like he really cares,
belligerent, "Hey, what's on cable?"
Only own three pairs of shoes and pay
half of what you do for formal wear,
and then can wear it again,
sports-obsessed, genetically inferior,
orally fixated,
perpetually adolescent...
Left, left, left, right, left.
Left.
I think my friend David
needs a refresher course.
Back to basics.
Lights!
- You really think this is necessary?
- It's very dark in a bar.
You're not Spider-Man, okay?
Being able to identify
a woman by silhouette...
...proves to be both
necessary and cost-effective.
Look, David,
no one can afford to buy a drink
for every ugly woman in a bar.
Not you, not me, not the
brothers Shearson Lehman.
- Eli, come on.
- Okay. You're gonna like this, huh?
This'll be good for you.
- Babe or troll?
- Babe.
Eh...
Yes. Very nice. Nicely done.
And next.
Babe...
Or troll?
- Eli, I... can't really...
- Yes, you can.
Think. Come on. You've got time.
Babe.
Yes!
Yes, Claudia.
Mmm, Claudia.
Buy a drink for Claudia?
Mnh-mnh. I don't think so.
Buy a condo for Claudia.
Uh, okay, Eli, this is
all very well and good,
but does intelligence
factor into this at all?
You want brains, fuck Margaret Thatcher.
Next.
- Babe or troll?
- Oh, babe, definitely.
Oh, that's a shame.
You've chosen Marge Simpson...
An animated cartoon of a
hausfrau to turn your crank.
You must be very pleased.
Jessica Rabbit, I could understand.
Even myself, I've thought on
occasion, "yes," but Marge?
I don't think so.
We've had enough for today, though.
Let's go out and have some fun.
Okay.
He's ready. I can feel it.
He's ready to re-enter
society a reformed man.
Sure, sure, I gotta
worry about a relapse,
but I got two words that
should do the trick...
Tracy Seymour,
A.K.A. "Let's 'see more' Tracy"...
A sure thing.
Ping-pong balls?
I thought you wanted King Kong's balls.
Oh, that is a great joke!
That's very funny.
It's funny because the
guy wanted... right?...
to play ping-pong,
and then structurally,
it's a funny joke because he
wants... let's get out of here.
The guy wants ping-pong balls, right?
And the store owner
thinks literally that he...
Like, if you wanted potato
salad and you asked for coleslaw,
so you ask for potato
salad, and the guy says,
"I have, uh... coleslaw for
you, and why not give me, uh..."
But in this case, you asked for ping-pong
balls and you got huge gorilla balls!
That's very funny.
David.
Tracy, I can't make love to you.
I'm sorry. What?
Tracy, I can't make love to you.
One more time, please.
I can't make love to you.
Oh, I-I thought that's what he said.
Aaaaaah!
- Fine.
- I'll walk you home.
No. I'll be fine.
Hello?
Carrie, it's me.
I, uh...
Really need to talk to you.
You fuckin' pussy.
It's like when you finally
meet the right person.
I mean, the most important
thing to me is commitment.
I mean, we're all afraid to trust.
And I don't just mean
trust each other...
I mean trust ourselves,
trust our feelings.
And share those feelings.
I mean, what are you supposed
to do... read my mind?
No. Men and women have to
tell each other what they want.
I can tell you what I want, Carrie.
I want a relationship
based on honesty, trust,
and continual communication,
And... oh.
Oh, I gotta take that. Excuse me.
Could I get you anything else?
How's the cheesecake?
The only thing worse than not getting
what you want is getting what you want.
Oscar Wilde. He knew.
...Cubic zirconia. Nice
matching rubies, vibrant color,
the gemstone of the souls,
as it's been called. Only $35.
I am such a funny clown
I like to travel
'round and 'round
The circus is my home
I always sleep alone
Ohh! Make up or break up!
This stalemate has got to end.
You know, for once, I agree with
her. I do. I don't care what happens.
I just want my couch back.
He's not calling her.
She's not calling him.
Can someone help this couple?
Good evening. I'm Ted
Koppel, and this...
...is Nightline.
Tonight, "Love on the Rocks"...
Crown versus Davenport.
You'd have to be living in a vacuum the
past week not to notice the friction...
...between young lovers David
Crown and Carrie Davenport.
Standing by in our Boston affiliate,
the principals.
David, is there a case to be made...
that the final blowup was only
symptomatic of much deeper problems?
Deeper problems? What do you mean?
David, I'm referring to
this "missing out" feeling,
which, as you put it, has, and I quote,
"haunted me my entire life."
Phew! Who does your research?
Why do you worry about what
you might be missing, David,
outside of your relationship
with miss Davenport,
instead of concentrating
on creating a deeper,
more meaningful relationship with her?
It's not that I don't love her.
I-I do. I-I love her
with all my heart.
I-I just...
I don't know. Sometimes
I-I feel trapped.
But why, David? I'm
not trying to trap you.
Yeah, I know that, hon. I just... um...
Carrie, David is simply expressing
a general fear of commitment.
Let me see if I can give you an example.
- What's your favorite food?
- No, Ted, shh!
Look, we're trying to
reach an accord here, okay?
Carrie?
I will do everything
in my power to change...
...because... I-I love you...
...and I need you.
And...
I want to come home.
Ted, how do we get out of these boxes?
Linguine and clam sauce.
Your favorite.
That's very sweet of you.
It is.
But, um...
...why don't we try something
just... a little different?
Mmm.
Unh!
Uhh...
That's it... drive it.
Foul! That's a foul!
Where's the call?!
- Where's the fucking call?!
- Oh, man!
There should be... David,
do you believe this shit?
This liver's great. What? What happened?
Bird brings it in, around-the-back
pass to Lewis, right?
Sweet baseline move, and then
Laimbeer and Rodman mug him.
No, no, they rape him, like in prison!
The Pistons aren't a team.
They're the Manson family in shorts.
- Here. You liked that... the liver, right?
- It's great.
Okay, now try the pasta
salad with peppers.
- Give me a "T" here.
- Do I like this?
Hold on, folks.
I can't believe what I've just heard.
- What?
- "Do I like this?"
You all right?
Did I hear you correctly?
Did you ask her if you
liked a particular food?
- So?
- So? So?!
That's a question that an old man
asks his wife at a salad bar.
Couples who have been
married thousands of years.
Men who no longer own
their own prostate.
Men who have no free
will ask that question.
It's beyond pathetic. I
have a radio in my car.
- Oh, guys! Zoe, wait.
- Eli, it's the fourth quarter.
- They're turning into the Reagans.
- Do I hate this?
1:37 in the ballgame.
Carrie.
- Eli. Where's Carrie?
- Yes, David?
Oh, well, I'd rather...
I know you think I'm pussy-whipped,
but tell me where she is.
I won't.
You know where she is.
Tell me where she is.
I'd really rather not say.
Please, Eli, tell me where she is.
- You're not going to like it, David.
- Where is she?
She got tired of waiting
for you to commit.
Where's Carrie? Where
is she?! Where is she?!
She's about to marry a proctologist!
- Taxi! Taxi!
- Oof!
I know. I know.
A dream is your subconscious
trying to get through.
But, you know, it's like a bad
connection to Wabash, Australia.
You miss every other word,
and nothing makes sense.
Somehow you know it's the most
important call of your life.
So, what do you do?
I mean, if you can't be
sure? If you can only guess?
When it's your turn to
talk, what do you say?
Excuse me.
While there is time
- Let's go out...
- Carrie Davenport...
- If you hold me
- ...will you marry me?
I will let you into my dreams
For time is a river
I will.
Roll...
I will. I will. I will.
Reactions were... varied.
Shiksa. Oh, God!
Married. March.
Lovely wife Giselle,
are we in town then?
We nailed one!
Hey, guys, man overboard! Man overboard!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This means we get to throw
a bachelor party, right?
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!
Love's latest victim, David crown.
David, from your best
man to his best friend.
The key to my hotel
room and to the city...
...are yours.
David? Hey, David.
Hi!
- David. David.
- Hello!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
You're the best man, son.
You should know where
he is at all times.
So, uh, where is she,
Zoe? And why is she there?
Well, I'm not sure.
But I'm sure this is the
happiest day of her life.
It better be.
- The natives are getting restless.
- No shit. We need some entertainment.
- Do you play the piano, sir?
- No!
But my lovely wife, Giselle, does.
- Find him!
- Aah! Aah!
- Hi.
- Hiya.
How's David?
It was hard to tell.
Zoe, you're my best friend.
What's gonna happen
to us if I get married?
Nothing.
What's gonna happen
to me if I get married?
What do you mean?
Remember what you said to me at my
party... about me losing my identity?
I know you were kidding...
But I don't know... I
think you might be right.
Well, I was right.
I mean, you will lose your identity,
but only to find a new identity.
And, no offense, maybe a better one.
As a wife?
As a wife...
As a mother...
As a grandmother.
- Boy, can you imagine me as a grandmother?
- Sure!
Zoe, can I rely on him?
Can I rely on... on me?
Do you love him?
Yes.
Would you rather go
back to living with me?
I love you, too, but...
Then let's go get married.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey, you're in my seat.
- How'd you know I'd be here?
Come on. We've been coming
here since we were 6.
Oh, by the way, Kenneth is muy pissed.
- How about Carrie?
- She, uh... didn't say.
Everything is always right here.
Life is perfect under the green
monster. You ever notice that?
I'm usually too drunk by the
sixth inning, but... yeah.
I don't think anything in my marriage
is ever gonna be as perfect as that.
- Oh, it won't be.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, David, but it won't be.
- Why not?
Because marriage isn't baseball, man.
It isn't a game. It's very real.
Besides, there's a lot less spitting.
- So why am I doing this?
- Because you want to.
Because I want to... eventually.
You never really liked Carrie, did you?
You know, when I first met
her, I thought, "Carrie."
You know... Stephen King's Carrie.
But I got to know her, and, uh...
She's okay. She's all right. She's good.
I'm gonna marry Carrie Davenport.
Ah.
You know, someday... not too soon,
but someday, we're gonna come out here,
and you-know-who is gonna be sitting
right between us, sucking on a frosty malt.
Who?
- Your kid, "who?"
- You think?
Come on, the first thing Uncle Eli
teaches the little sperm in Reeboks...
...is how to sneak into the park.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.
Psst.
I never asked you. What
do you do for a living?
I'm an accountant.
And do you, Carrie,
take this man, David, to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you, David,
take this woman, Carrie, to
be your lawfully wedded wife
in sickness and in health,
to love, honor, and respect
her till death do you part?
I do.
Then if there is no one here
who objects to this union...
- Then by the powers vested in me...
- And me.
...and by the covenant
of Moses and Abraham...
By God and the state of Massachusetts.
...by the state of Israel...
We now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
We're not done, huh?
That's it? This is it? What?
Talk to me about rules.
Talk to me about love.
All right, it's a 4-letter word, huh?
All right, when King Kong grabbed
Fay Wray, that was love, was it not?
Sweet love, absolutely, yeah.
But afterwards, boom! Dead monkey.
What the hell's that? Just
tell me it was worth it, okay?
You're goddamn right it was worth it!
They knew it the minute
they met. I knew it.
Even you knew it,
although that didn't stop you from
torturing them every step of the way,
did it, studmuffins?
W-what are best friends for? I
mean, I had to be sure he was sure.
- Really?
- Yes.
Well, that's very sweet.
- I may have misjudged you.
- What are you saying?
Well, you want to go
to a movie sometime?
- What... you and me?
- Yeah.
Dutch, no strudel, no Haagen sex,
although I know you desperately want me.
Just a movie.
You may kiss the bride.
Not so fast, padre.
The ceremonial breaking of the glass.
- Mazel tov! Mazel tov!
- Mazel tov!
Mazel tov!
Roll credits.
Love comes
Love goes
Where to
Nobody knows
And it's strange
how feelings change
But it's all the same to me
With a little time
The feeling grows
Her heart and mine
I know she knows
Oh
I'm so happy now
Oh, I was lost
But now I'm found
Daddy was a good man
Used to work the land
Sometimes life would fight him
But he'd always understand
Went to work every day
I can still hear him say
Can't beat love, my son
To chase those blues away
Ooh
With a little time
Ooh
The feeling grows
Ooh
Her heart and mine
Ooh
I know she knows
Oh
I'm so happy now
I was lost
But now I'm found
Oh
I'm so happy now
I was lost
But now I'm found
Gonna learn to
Brush these blues away
Gonna learn to
Smile every day
Oh
I'm so happy now
Oh, I was lost
But now I'm found
Oh
Oh
I'm so happy now
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Oh, ohhh
I'm so happy now
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Ooh, oh
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Ohhh
I'm so happy now
Pbht!
Two types of creatures
in the wild kingdom...
The predators and the prey.
When we decide to predate...
they had better pray.
Whatever.
You see, life was
simple for David and me.
We were captains of our own ships.
We decided when the periscope goes up.
And when the periscope goes down,
when to fire the torpedoes
and who was under attack.
And then David ventured
foolishly into uncharted waters.
The purpose of a man
is to love a woman
The purpose of a
woman is to love a man
So come on, baby,
let's start today
Come on, baby, let's play
The game of love
The game of love
Come on, baby, 'cause
the time is right
Come on, baby, 'cause
the time is right
Love your daddy
with all your might
Love your daddy
with all your might
Put your arms around
me and hold me tight
Put your arms around
me and hold me tight
Play the game of love
The purpose of a man
is to love a woman
The purpose of a
woman is to love a man
So come on, baby,
let's start today
Come on, baby, let's play
- Ow!
- The game of love
Aah! Ow.
It's not polite to spy.
I wasn't spying. I was leering.
You know, this thing
reinforces bad viewing habits.
You should learn to look
at a woman as a whole.
Hey, listen.
I'm way too enlightened
to look at women like that.
I meant as opposed to just half.
It's a periscope in a bar. Lighten up.
You just shouldn't look
at women as objects.
Oh, no. You see, I was
looking at women objectively.
You know, I don't care for semantics.
Hmm. Too bad. I'm Jewish.
Hey, can I buy you a drink?
I don't think so.
The... the whole you?
Ow.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Trouble, skipper?
- Uh, flesh wound.
There we go. That's much better.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Medicinal purposes.
Hi!
Hey. Oh, you look great.
I've never seen this.
Yes. Well, I can hide
a small child in this.
So you should go for it.
Little dimples, little ass.
Little potential.
You and your potential quotient.
Have you got some sort of
potential-calculator device in your head?
- I mean, how do you know?
- Zoe, I know the type.
I am in love with that girl.
David, that girl intended and
inflicted bodily injury on you.
You don't marry girls like that.
You file restraining
orders against them.
- Ho. Spider sense tingling.
- Where?
Don't look. 3:00. Don't look!
I'm sensing a Germanic accent.
Swedish. Stewardesses, maybe.
Uh, secretaries. German
bank upstairs. Ah.
Two Beck's. Two Beck's.
Cover me. I'm going in.
One more furtive glance between you
two, and I will spew pia colada.
He is cute.
I was sitting down the end of the bar,
and I was thinking, "Jeez.
I've never met a European
woman who didn't like beer."
I've got two. Is this perfect?
One for you and one for you.
Now, if you don't
like beer, that's fine.
Could be now is a good time for beer.
For all you know, he may be the sweetest,
most sensitive, evolved guy on the planet.
I like dark beer, actually.
Hanna, Marta, this is
my, uh, good friend David.
- Then again...
- Let's go.
So, uh, you're both secretaries.
No... tellers. Munchen Bank.
I bank there. Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Last week. I, uh, you broke a
Deutschemark for me. Do... do you remember?
No. Mnh-mnh.
So, here it is, Friday
night. Early Friday night.
And I'm sure it's only a matter of time
before you revert to shelter mentality...
- ...and say something like...
- I'm so tired. I just want to go home.
Exactly.
Zoe, any guy you meet in a
bar picks up women in bars.
Therefore, I can safely
rule out that guy,
as cute as he may have been,
just based on the general theory
of guilt by geographic association.
Then I have to ask you, what
were we doing in the bar?
We were having a drink.
Okay. We were spending
some time together.
- We live together.
- All right, Zoe. Okay.
We were scoping and scamming,
just like everybody else.
- Are you happy?
- Was that so hard?
Oh.
Red line outbound. Next
stop, Harvard square.
Oh, perfect. Ten of my
favorite pickup lines,
25 bucks worth of drinks,
a whole lot of wasted charm
only to find out that
Hanna and Marta were lovers.
- I hate that.
- Yeah. Go figure.
Well, the night's not a total wash, huh?
We'll go catch a little Joe
down at the Cantab Lounge.
- What do you say?
- Oh, great. Great.
Oh, please tell me you've
gotten over the finger crusher.
Yeah, well...
- The memory lingers a bit, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
But you've got the answer
for that, don't you?
Sure, I do.
We erase that memory by
staying out all night,
destroying our brain cells with alcohol
and sociopathic behavior.
Easy solutions to life's
difficult problems.
- I feel better.
- Of course you do.
So we stayed out all night and drank
Tequila, and neither one of us scored.
I, uh, of course, succeeded in the
research-and-development department.
Andrea. Mm-hmm.
652-94...
I don't remember Andrea.
Aha. Yeah. Mimi. Mimi, I remember.
627-43...
I don't remember Mimi.
That's the problem with Tequila.
Mimi.
Take me out to the ball game
Take me out with the crowd
Buy me some peanuts
and Cracker Jack
Oh, he is too darling. I love him.
- That is an MVP ass.
- No. It's entirely too small.
- No! No!
- I'm telling you, it's too small.
- There. Big enough for you?
- Whoa!
Now, that's better.
Peanuts! Get your peanuts!
Yeah! All right! Here!
Comin' at ya! Here you go. Honey!
Peanuts!
Peanuts!
Beer here. Beer.
- Yo. Two beers.
- Light?
- What?
- Light beer?
Do I look like a pussy?
- Here you go.
- Thanks, pal.
Beer here.
- Spider sense tingling.
- Oh, your spider sense is fucked.
No, I wish. Red hair, blue top.
It's Winnie the Pooh and
Tigger, too, from last night.
- No.
- Yes.
How many chicks have the joker's hair?
- Joker has green hair, asshole.
- Cracker Jacks here. Cracker Jacks.
- What did I say?
- Garcon!
Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks.
Um, yeah. Cracker Jack here.
All right. Hey, Cracker
Jacks, everybody.
Peanuts, Cracker Jacks a buck.
You got any Cracker Jack?
- Give me a minute here.
- Plenty of Cracker Jacks.
Anybody for peanuts and Cracker Jacks?
Yeah. Yeah!
All right. Now, listen. Do me a favor.
Bring this down, please,
to that lady in blue.
What do I look like, a freakin' mailman?
- Here. Look. Buy yourself a beer.
- Hey. Special delivery.
Look. They're not
even watching the game.
It looks like they're checking
out Bruno's back. Look.
- Come on, batter!
- Play ball!
Okay. I bet she goes for
the toy surprise first.
- What's this?
- What do I know? Secret admirer.
- Secret admirer.
- Wow!
Come on! Come on!
That's hysterical!
- They're back.
- And they're really dorky-looking.
And they're right behind
you. How about that, huh?
Oh, you know, you really
shouldn't look at men like this.
It's demeaning. Visual
dismemberment, remember?
All right, lighten up. It's
just a day at the ball park.
I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to
Mattingly for the best seat in the majors.
Are you nuts? What about Bo?
I mean, are we talking
size or shape here?
I think I'm secure
enough in my own sexuality
to say that Mattingly's ass
kicks ass on any other ass.
You are so enlightened.
- Uh, I'm David.
- Carrie.
- Eli Mattingly. How are you?
- Hi. I'm Zoe.
- I see you brought a glove.
- Um, it's Zoe's.
We could tell. It kind
of matches her hair.
Oh! Well, if it were skin tone,
I guess I could say the
same thing about you.
Ouch. A hair-loss joke. Very good.
Luckily for me, women are very
attracted to a receding hairline.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- I said women.
You know, if you're
gonna make the catch, um,
it's easier if you do it like this.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Sure.
Course, I don't think there's gonna
be any homers with the wind blowing in.
Oh!
Great grab.
Of course, when you hit
it that hard, you know,
cuts right through that wind.
Throw it back! Throw it back!
Throw it back!
House rules... Bleacher
etiquette dictates
that you got to throw back
a homer by the opposition.
Throw it back! Throw
it back! Throw it back!
Yes! A woman after my own heart.
So, um, how about an autograph
and, uh, phone number?
- It was on the ball. Yeah.
- No.
No!
No!
Ohh!
- Ah, chill, babe. It ain't over.
- It's over.
- No, it isn't. Lick me.
- What are we, Siegfried and Roy?
Aw! Ick!
- And? Voil.
- Hmm.
So I give the number
on the tattoo to Eli.
I thought it would be a laugh.
And what happens? David calls Carrie.
Carrie blows up at me.
See, she thinks David
is hugely unimpressive.
So I go, "Fine. If David
is so hugely unimpressive,
why have you accepted his
invitation to the movies?"
So she goes, "Well, I
felt sorry for the guy.
He sounded so desperate."
Then she locks herself in the bathroom
and removes all superfluous body hair.
I'm worried.
The three F's of dating...
One... film, two... food,
- three... fuck.
- Can you write that down?
You'll remember. You're gonna be fine.
- And you're gonna need this.
- What's that?
- Remember how Batman had a utility belt?
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, he should've had one of
these. He would've done a lot better.
I got everything you need
for the date, all right?
I got a tongue depressor in here.
- I got a little dental dam here for you.
- What is that?
Safe sex includes our
dear friend fellatio.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Where do you get this stuff?
Remember the dental
hygienist I was dating?
Kept a few samples.
Now, the condoms are from
my own personal stock, huh?
The good stuff.
Eli, look, it's... It's a first date.
It's, well, my future wife.
We have film? Yes.
Food? Probably.
Anything else after
that, I can't really say.
All right.
Worst comes to worst,
you make balloon animals.
- So I haven't been to a movie
- So, what do you, uh...
So, uh... I'm sorry.
No, sorry. What?
No, just... you haven't
been to a movie, or...
No, what were you gonna say?
Um, uh, what... what do
you do? That, actually.
Mm. I work for the mayor.
Our mayor?
Your mayor. I-I work in his
office. I mean, for his office.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sounds... sounds impressive.
It's not.
Well, I'm impressed.
Yeah?
Well, you're easily impressed.
I like that in a man.
I'll remember that.
- This guy is kicking my seat.
- Oh, I hate that.
Hey, could you just knock it off?
Knock what off?
- Well, anyway, you see that guy there?
- Yeah.
- Are they bothering you?
- Do you want to move?
No.
Hey. Why bother whispering?
Oh, darling...
Talk about violence in the movies.
Boy, your eye is really swollen.
You know, you should've told
me. We wouldn't have stayed.
No, no, no. It's... glancing blow.
- I wanted you to see the movie.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.
- Ooh. Is that better?
- Considerably.
Thanks.
So, um... What are you gonna have?
Uh...
Strudel sounds good.
Oh, no. No. You never order the strudel.
See, restaurants always are out of it,
so they try and push the cheesecake on you
'cause they have too much of that.
- You ready?
- Uh, yeah. I'm gonna have the strudel.
- We're out.
- Well, gee, what do you recommend?
Cheesecake is good.
- Soup.
- Soup.
- Large bowl?
- Two spoons.
Hmm. How romantic.
I'm charging you for the extra spoon.
I'll splurge.
So, what did you call
those things in the soup?
- You're not Jewish, are you?
- No.
I'm from Wellesley,
a suburb rivaled only by Green
Acres in ethnic diversity.
Okay. All right.
Well, the little round things are called matzo
balls, or knaidlach, called by my people.
Um, little ravioli things
are called kreplach,
invented while we were wandering in
the desert and needed something to eat
after throwing all the
knaidlach at our enemies.
I knew that.
Well, thanks for seeing my movie.
- Sure.
- Did you like it?
Uh, no.
I-I liked you.
The way that you laughed
at all the wrong stuff.
And cried with her.
You're not cynical.
You surrendered yourself to the story.
I like that.
Um, you know, David,
I-I don't think that we should
get into anything physical.
Ow! Ooh. That hurts.
That's one of those clich lines
they teach them to say in Cosmo,
and she just fired it right at him.
Real nice.
I mean, the guy just wanted
a kiss, not The Story of O.
I-I didn't...
Could you please repeat that?
I just don't think we
should rush into anything.
- What changed your mind?
- I started kissing you.
- What was that?
- The lamp.
Oh.
- What was that?
- Cat.
Oh.
W-whoa!
- Haagen-dazs?
- Don't panic, dude.
We're like hell's angels.
We share everything.
Oh, I'm sorry.
M-maybe we can fix it or something.
That's my parents' wedding picture.
It's 35 years old.
Shit.
- Well, maybe we can glue it or... something.
- I'll be right back.
Keep away from my precious daughter.
- Kenneth, they're just necking.
- Oh, yes?
Well, maybe we better check the
contents of his bat utility belt.
With all due respect, sir,
we are consenting adults.
Carrie is an adult,
and you are consenting.
My daughter is not going to be
another one of your little conquests.
- Do you hear me, young man?
- Kenneth.
David, I'm sorry, but, um...
It's late, and I have to
be at aerobics at 5:30.
- A.M.?
- Mm-hmm.
Bryant Gumbel sleeps later than that.
No. I-I understand.
It's...
- Um, here.
- Thanks.
I'm kind of tired myself.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Gentlemen, we came, we
saw, we kicked pomboose.
Ah. Next week, try 5:00,
5:30. Any questions?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crown's date
...Uh, recap, inning by inning.
We lucked out in this market, babe.
Oh, we got duffed.
Suffice to say, I haven't seen
any balloon-animal giraffes
roaming the streets of our fair town.
This Carrie chick... What does she do?
Uh, mayor's office.
Uh, speech-writing,
fund-raising...
- ...staff work for the mayor.
- Hey, can she fix my parking tickets?
Can she fix me up?
Ooh. You should see this chick, man.
- Brunette, baby blues.
- Hey.
- Titties?
- Nice.
Very nice. Perhaps the perfect woman.
- Eli, gentlemen.
- Uh-huh.
Now, the perfect woman is
more than simply a genetically
desirable combination of tits and ass.
Oh, at last... a real man.
She's also rich, cooks,
and pees standing up.
Pigs.
I feel terrible about this.
I mean, you suppose Carrie and her friends
are sitting around, schmoozing like this?
What, do you think she's a cheerleader?
She's not sitting around like
Olivia Newton-John in Grease, pal.
Tell me more, tell me more
Was it love at first sight?
Solid shot on the left-hand lane.
So Ferraro, who's playing a little...
You gonna call her?
- Hmm?
- Carrie chick.
Maybe. Just maybe.
You know, Care, there's no rule
that says you can't call him.
You realize, of course,
there's only two scenarios here.
If you got laid, there's
no reason to call her again.
And if you didn't, no
reason to call her again.
The beach master is the most
respected and exalted of all the males.
But notice when the
female enters his focuses,
even the revered beach master
is struck by innate awkwardness.
All he does now is lie there, inert,
like a giant bowl of marmalade,
while she waits... and waits...
And waits.
The female understands this ritual. But
that does not make it any easier for her.
As the beach master feigns
supposed indifference,
this stalemate can only be broken if he
and she leave their respective fields,
And meet in a neutral area, perhaps
here, in the ocean's icy depths...
...to frolic.
- One of my favorites.
- Yeah, me too.
- Its Colors, right?
- No, no.
It's just that whenever I've been scalped
with a particularly treacherous haircut,
I check out the Vin-Man's do.
Come on. The guy could
care less about appearances.
I mean, the way he perceived
the world in his mind,
he... he was a genius.
Yeah, agreed, albeit
a sick, nutty genius.
This is a guy who lopped off his ear
and federal-expressed it to his honey.
Vinny, babe, what
were you thinking, huh?
Walk with me. Talk to me.
You don't cut off anything for anybody.
Not above the waist, not
below. It ain't worth it.
Do you remember Samson at all?
I don't care if
Michelle fucking Pfeiffer
and Madonna want to give
you a pedicure and a trim.
The answer is no. No can do.
Yeah. O-okay.
Look, I really don't think
it's a mistake on our part.
But if it is, you can be sure
I'll get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, zoning law
passed on July 14, 1973.
Next time you don't do your homework,
bring a note from your mother.
All right. Terrific.
Fax me.
All right. I want a
Turkey on whole wheat.
Tell Linda whatever you want. We'll go
through the North End as we eat, okay?
- Hey, David.
- I thought I'd take you out to lunch.
Oh, I'm sorry. Adam, did you meet David?
No.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you?
I would love to, but I
got so much to do, hon.
Why don't you go ahead?
I'll take care of it.
No, no. It's okay. I-I understand.
Okay. Sorry.
Hey, how about a movie tonight?
Is Adam coming?
He'd love to, but Thursday
nights is his gay-rights meeting.
- Really?
- No.
But I thought it'd make you feel better.
- Coffee? That's all? Coffee?
- Yes, coffee.
- The stuff from Brazil?
- In a cup?
You know, I'd also like to have the...
Never mind.
There's a $2.50 minimum per person.
We understand and
accept your conditions.
I never liked you.
Yes, we know that. And that's okay.
Why didn't you let me order?
Strudel! Your own recipe?
Entenmann's.
Oh!
- New lamp.
- Oh.
Same cat?
- Oh!
- Oh!
Wait. No roommate?
- Zoe's gone the whole weekend.
- Let's get the Haagen-dazs.
- Here. There.
- Where?
And this is supposed to prove...?
How gullible you are after great sex.
Yeah? And you need proof?
Actually, the melting point will
determine the hottest part of your body...
- And, thus, the most susceptible.
- Oh, come on! It's running!
- The most sensitive.
- David, these are new sheets.
The most erogenous.
This is like some bizarre
checkup from Mr. Freeze.
Wait till you see my bill.
If you fuck her, she will come.
Stop. Stop.
If you fuck her, she will come.
Oh.
Psst.
Psst. David! Listen up.
Champ, you looked good.
You looked good. It
was great, wonderful.
Right now you're in the
grips of her hormonal madness,
which is good. Don't get me
wrong. It's a lot of fun to watch.
Just don't get carried away
here, okay? This is business.
All right? Stick and
move. Stick and move.
I mean, don't let your emotions
get the better of you here.
Very important. And, David...
Whatever you do, do not... I
repeat... do not spend the night.
Either I've developed a
horrible scalp problem...
or I have rum raisin all in my hair.
Oh, here. Let me do it.
- You don't have to.
- I want to.
- How's that?
- Mmm...
- Oh, you like that?
- Mm-hmm.
I remember when I was little...
my dad used to do this for
me when I couldn't sleep.
Would you do this for me every night?
Comb her hair every
night? What am I, nuts?
The implication of that
question is downright unnerving.
But you know, sometimes you...
just can't help yourself.
I mean, you got to say what you feel.
Sometimes it... it just comes out.
Absolutely.
I would do this for you every night.
That's right.
We call the following stage in this
new relationship "the sickening phase,"
during which he doesn't care if she
window-shops for 3 1/2 hours nonstop,
and she suddenly loves to measure
the firing gap in his spark plugs.
And they feed each other and stroll
together with these "Kumbaya" smiles,
and when they do actually
speak, it's that baby talk.
You know the baby talk you
share only with your loved one,
'cause you know that shit don't
fly at work with your buddies.
The rigors of courtship completed,
all animals enjoy a period of bliss,
known as "the sickening phase."
Here are the zebra,
the penguin, the ape.
Perhaps the most intriguing species
to observe during this phase...
...is the human being. The couple.
Here we see them deriving mutual
pleasures from feeding ducks.
Oops.
They have sensed our camera's presence.
They have decided to move on.
Here we see them walking
arm in arm down a path,
and... no. W-we are scientists.
We are from nature films!
We... oh! I'm s...
Oh, shit! Mad!
Oh, God! Philippe!
Cut.
Another salient
characteristic of this phase...
The loyal friends of the afflicted
couple may as well drop off the planet.
I mean, forget midnight pig-outs,
when the only thing that kept
you from joining a convent...
was four bags of garlic potato
chips and your best friend.
Forget your best friend.
I mean, she's a Siamese
twin, and three's a crowd.
Of course, she still
has to meet his friends.
So, how long have you known David?
Oh, David?
Uh, David's one of my
oldest and closest friends.
I mean, he's a really, really great guy.
I mean, you're really
lucky to have snagged him.
- I mean, he's a great guy, really.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good friend, great guy. I mean it.
- I believe you.
That's why it hurts me so much
that I have to ask you out.
Excuse me?
Normally, I would think twice about
hitting on a friend's chick like this.
But, Carrie, you're just
too awesome to let go.
- Let go.
- Hmm.
- Mm, what do you got there?
- Drop dead.
You know I like it
I like it, I like it
You know I like it
I like it, and I love you so
What are you doing?
Oh, I gotta judge the
perfect-breast competition.
What do you think?
Well, I don't think that there, um...
should be chocolate-chip cookies.
You're right. They're too small.
Hey, can I get a couple
cupcakes down here?!
Feel it, feel it
Baby, let me feel it
Feel it, feel it
In my soul
Friendly face at last.
- Feel it in my soul
- Hiya.
Hey, well, what are you making?
Well, you know, they have their
perfect-breast competition,
so I thought I'd sculpt
the perfect penis.
- Isn't it a dream come true?
- Hey!
You know I like it
I like it
Fellas! Look!
Looks like something out
of Dune. Nice job, Zoe.
- Hey, you.
- No.
Yes. We need more
bodies for strip twister.
- Zoe!
- Yes!
Aaah!
So jealous.
Hey, wait for me! I'm double-jointed!
Wait! I can do amazing things!
Right hand, blue. Left hand, yellow.
Very nice.
Babies. You see, I'm a guy
who knows a lot about babies.
I want to love somebody
I'm not having a good time.
Oh, was Eli cheating again?
You know, you cannot trust that guy
to call a clean round of strip twister.
Yeah, he made up the colors.
Well, you see, he's
color-blind like a, you know...
Like a schnauzer.
And then he brings over this cooler
full of ice water and... dumps it on me.
See, you gotta hose down
the board between games.
Otherwise, it gets all gritty.
- And, David...
- Yeah?
- One of your friends keeps hitting on me.
- What? Who is it? Point him out.
- There. That guy.
- George? George!
- Hey, George, over here!
- Me?
- Yeah.
- All right, don't move.
George, you're hitting on my girlfriend?
Yeah, absolutely. She's
really awesome, David.
Yeah, she is, isn't she?
Hey, look, George, please
don't do it anymore, okay?
- I'll try.
- Thanks.
Look, so, my friends don't sit
around discussing Susan Sontag.
Face it, David... your friends
couldn't discuss Dr. Seuss.
They're normal people, Carrie.
Is it normal for George
to proposition me?
- George propositions everyone.
- Terrific.
And what about Eli railroading
me into that degrading beach game?
David, if it's pop psychology you
want... "I'm okay, you're okay"...
Your friends are dickheads.
Excuse me.
Charles, have you seen, uh, Carrie?
I believe Lizbeth is showing
the new China pattern.
Come on, come on, join
us. We're playing charades.
- Charades.
- Charades.
Oh, I just love charades.
That's right, we're playing charades.
Come on, everybody,
charades. Buffy, Jody, Sissy.
Brian, Keith, you play, too.
Okay. I go first.
- You always go first.
- Chipper's host. He's got dibs.
All right.
It's a movie.
Fatal Attraction.
Lucky guess.
Okay. I get to go again.
All right.
- A book.
- Bonfire of the Vanities.
Perhaps we should play some other game.
- I meant to tell you.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi. I'm, uh...
Hey.
Welcome to Thirtysomething.
Can I get you some brie?
Uhh... you got any bean dip?
Thank God. So, what are you doing here?
Zoe said it was cool.
She's not here. She knew better.
Bitch! I've been had.
Oh!
Of course, the view is awfully nice.
Interesting food,
stocked bar. I'm staying.
Carrie, darling. So
good to see you. Kisses.
That ice looks cold. Is it?
Eli, this is my... this is Charles.
Charles, my friend Eli.
Honest to God pleasure
to meet you, Chas.
May I call you Chas?
- Actually, I prefer "Chipper."
- "Chipper" it is.
Help yourself to a
drink. Pictionary later.
Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.
Let me freshen that for you.
- What is that?
- A vodka and bourbon?
No, I'm a doctor. Now, listen.
He's pawing my friends.
I think she wants to be pawed.
No, she's just getting over a
divorce. She's very vulnerable.
- And I don't think that Eli...
- Eli is what... not good enough?
Y-you don't think my
friends are good enough?
Is that what you're trying
to say? Huh, huh, huh?
...is aware that his fly is open.
- Oh. Eli!
- Yeah.
- Psst!
- Ah.
I tried.
Well, what about your friend Chipper?
He was following me from room to room.
"Excuse me, David, but what
exactly kind of Jew are you?
Are you an assimilated Jew
or are you a committed Jew?"
Chipper's minor was
Comparative Religion.
At least he didn't rip off your bathing
suit, and spray ice water on you.
Eli is absolutely right. You
just have no sense of humor.
And yet their relationship survived.
I mean, I've heard that love is blind,
but I guess it's also deaf, dumb,
and undauntingly tolerant of all
prejudices, personal or external.
There just might be something to it.
I'm not sure.
Gather 'round, children. Gather 'round.
Yo, yo, yo, quiet now.
No flashing. No flashing.
I'll send you people home. I'll do it.
Construction of the Statehouse
was completed under
budget and on time in 1782.
Guess they didn't have
a Union then. Ha ha ha.
Anyways, if you notice the
beautiful rococo tile...
Isn't is beautiful?
Can you say "rococo"?
- Rococo.
- Rococo.
Very good. Very good.
So, this is where it all happens...
Discussion, or discourse,
between the governor...
Can the governor park
his car anywhere he wants?
What happens in there?
I'll check.
Whoo!
That's what we like to
call a gubernatorial aide
and her gentleman friend,
and they are, uh...
Photocopying.
Are they facilitating state government?
W-well, what's good for the
people is good for the state.
Alexander Hamilton said that.
Actually, this is my lunch hour.
And you spend it with him?
Hey.
I'm... in love with this woman.
And she's in love with me. Right?
Yes, I am.
But aren't you afraid of being caught?
Why not save it for later... at home?
Well, see, we work different hours,
and h-her apartment's
really very far away, so...
- Wait... you two don't live together?
- They don't have to.
Puh-lease, Bobby.
If you and I were sharing conjugal
relations on a laser copier...
- Fat chance!
- We'd be living together,
especially if I kept clothes and
stuff and shampoo at your place.
- You do keep shampoo there?
- And conditioner.
Look, you either move in or move on.
Face it, dude. The
writing's on the wall.
You know, they call it
"living in sin" for a reason.
Whatever. They did
it. She moved in, yeah.
"Stop by our apartment,"
David says the other day to me.
"Our apartment?" Excuse me?
She moves into his apartment,
and suddenly it's "our apartment."
I don't know.
Maybe I'm taking this
too hard. I don't know.
W-w-what... I should bring them a
housewarming gift for their apartment?
You tell me. I don't know.
What's the perfect
housewarming gift for them?
Brought you a little housewarming gift.
Oh, Eli.
You didn't have to.
They'll come in handy.
Don't kid yourself.
Where's Carrie?
Um, she's out getting some more plants.
More plants? Well, that's good.
It's kind of phase one of
the master plan, isn't it?
Plants need a lot of watering, a
lot of feeding, a lot of attention.
It softens you up a
little bit for phase two...
Babies.
You're getting a little paranoid.
Paranoid. Who said I'm paranoid?
If I told you once, I
told you a million times...
If you let a babe
infiltrate the home base,
eventually she'll eradicate
every trace of the essential you.
- Oh, what's this?
- What's what?
This... colors and bad frame.
Oh, I don't know. Carrie likes it.
- Carrie likes it?
- Yeah, yeah, I like it, too.
Aah.
You think Carrie's different, don't you?
Yes. Yes. You don't think
she's gonna make demands...
...move you to the suburbs and load
you down with babies and barbecue.
Y-you know something?
I think Carrie's right.
You're a little afraid of women.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
You talk to Carrie about me?
Eli, we live together.
Of course I talk to her.
I talk to her about everything.
- W-what'd you tell her?
- Nothing.
You know, it's just... For the first time,
I'm looking at things from another side.
There is no other side.
There's them and there's us.
Exactly. You're right.
And sometimes we're a little disgusting.
Okay? So, let's drop it.
Yes, we're disgusting!
We're men. We're idiots. It's the law.
Eli, remember at college
your definition of a lesbian?
Any girl who wouldn't put out.
Right. Exactly.
Well, you know, I no longer agree.
All right, all right.
Do me a favor, okay?
In a couple of months
when you get some time,
fax me your balls,
'cause you don't need 'em.
You ever have one of those
dreams where you're in the water,
you're trying to save
someone from drowning,
and you can't quite reach him?
You're about a fingertip away,
but the current keeps pulling him
further and further out to sea,
and there's nothing
you can do but watch.
How do I save him from slipping away?
How do I bring him back to shore?
Hi, this is David.
Carrie and I aren't here right now,
But you can leave a message,
and we'll get back to you later.
Bye-bye.
Hi, Care. Hello, David.
Three weeks now, and my period is
already in sync with Oprah Winfrey.
Just thought you'd like to know.
David, sweetheart, this is your mother.
Oh! Ugh.
I have two questions...
Number one, why don't you call?
And number two, is
Carrie a boy or a girl?
Shit! I knew I forgot to call someone!
I'm telling you,
everything's gonna be fine.
Oh!
There's a Cohen Brothers Shoes.
Yeah, of course, on Beacon.
No, no, no, further east,
next to the Indian restaurant.
You got it. Okay, Bobby.
Well, it was nice
talking to you, too, hon.
Good luck. Yeah. Bye-bye.
Wrong number, hm.
Don't worry. Brisket
is coming, but first...
- A little soup with knaidlach.
- Oh, I've had those.
Not like these.
This is the tough part.
See, Mrs. C makes this
killer brisket... world-class.
But before you can eat any, you
gotta survive the interrogation...
Survive the interrogation...
So, Carrie, tell us a
little bit about yourself.
I was... I was born and raised
here... I mean, Wellesley.
- Date of birth?
- June 6, 1963.
- Earlier, I thought you said July!
- July. I-I meant July.
Aha. Do I make you nervous, Carrie?
You're my guest. Eat!
Oh, that's good.
I mean, that was excellent!
It was the best knaidlach I've ever had!
Have you ever seen this man before?
Uh, I-I don't think so.
- You don't think so?! Think!
- Uh, no, I'm sure.
And where was your father
during World War II?
Um, college, uh, uh, medical school...
Uh, Dartmouth University.
I went there, also.
Huh.
She made it! Yes!
My David could have gone
to B.U... Harvard, even.
He had the S.A.T.S, but he
wanted to go away from home.
Go figure.
Dear, my husband is a very proud man.
He doesn't like to lose, so if you
could just ease up a bit on your serve.
- You want me to throw the game?
- Come on, come on, come on.
Powwow's over.
No strategy's gonna beat
my little Care Bear and I.
Please, dear? It's in
your own best interest.
Out!
- With a smile.
- By a mile.
I don't know.
I mean, to swallow
your pride in one gulp?
David must be...
...in love.
I don't know.
I do know you won't see
me sucking up like that,
selling out to Kenneth and Giselle for a
few free drinks and convenient court time.
Hey, do you think that's why
I've never been asked back?
David, man-to-man, you had a
pretty fair game going there,
but then you lost the
scent and screwed the pooch.
Killer instinct wins matches.
K.I... close the deal.
- You read Trump?
- I'm waiting for the movie.
Consistency. Follow-through.
Like I tell my lovely wife, Giselle,
tennis, proctology... It's
all in the follow-through.
Well, not... not many people
enjoy your consistency, sir.
Hell, you can smoke a pipe and
play tennis at the same time.
Grace under pressure. I
learned that during the war.
- Uh, Korea?
- No, no, no, no.
Carter administration...
Four years of economic hell.
Crown. Crown.
Should I know that name?
What's the old man do?
- Oh, eat... sleep... complain.
- What?
I'll tell you what
the old man doesn't do.
He doesn't collect animal heads,
he doesn't say things
like "screw the pooch,"
and he doesn't call
Ronald Reagan "the Gipper."
He calls him "that bad actor
from the chimp movies." Oy!
- You like guns, David?
- Well, to tell you the truth, sir, I...
This is a beauty... 12
Gauge over-and-under.
Here, take ahold of it.
Go on, take it. Take it!
Uh. It's not loaded or anything, is it?
Oh, let's see.
Ah. No, it isn't.
Now it is. Here, put
this on your shoulder.
There. Now grab ahold
of the stock there.
And put this hand up
there. There you go.
Now, lean into it. Lean into it.
- How's that feel, son?
- It feels good, sir.
It feels... you know, it
makes you feel like a man.
Aaah!
Lunch.
If you really want to know,
the real expert on the subject
was a girl that Eli knew.
- Yeah? Shock me.
- Yeah.
She's a nurse... nutritionist.
She said that guys are, like,
you know... pure protein.
Of course, that's it... protein.
And... and... and you guys are
just the surgeon generals of love,
just sharing this with
us for our own well-being.
Hmm? Hmm?
Oh, come on, David, can you honestly
say that if you were in my position,
you'd feel any differently?
Hon, if Eli and I were
shipwrecked on a deserted island,
and the only way to survive was,
you know, the nutrients involved,
then, yes, yes! We'd be going down
on each other every five minutes.
I'd kill myself and then him.
Hello? Eli. What's up?
David, get down here
right now. I'm telling you.
The planets are lined up tonight
or something, I don't know,
but the chicks here tonight
are not to be missed.
Now, huh? Mmm...
You don't have to
touch. You can just look.
Yeah, Eli,
look, I can't come down now. It's, uh...
Carrie's not feeling real well,
and I just... I just
can't. It's not a good time.
- What about Friday?
- Friday... uh, yeah, Friday...
- Friday night, definitely.
- No, dinner with Charles and Lizbeth.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh... Eli, I'll call you tomorrow?
- Oh, man, I hope she's worth it.
I'm telling you, you're
missing out big-time, pal.
Big-time.
Mm. You know what? I'm
gonna go take a bath.
Missing out.
Two words that have
haunted me my entire life.
Why can't I just be happy with
where I am and with what I've got?
Why do I keep thinking about where
I could be and what I could get?
Christ.
My scoping days are over.
I mean, I'm different. I'm in love.
Why can't I just be
happy with what I've got?
I just don't know who David is.
I mean, sometimes I-I feel like
I'm living with three men...
Mrs. Crown's little boy, who throws a
tantrum every time he runs out of shampoo,
Eli's best buddy, the one who pulls
back when things get too intimate...
And then there's my David.
He's funny...
he's sensitive...
and considerate.
He's the one I moved in with.
How'd I end up with the other two?
Missing out.
Missing out, like Eli's really doing
something that I want to be a part of.
Excuse me, mister.
We were just coming back
from our cheerleading meet.
We're all virgins,
but for some reason...
maybe it's the planet alignment...
Well, we all decided that
tonight was the night to...
Well... You know...
Go all the way.
So, perhaps you and your
friend could help us out...
You know, take us around
the city, ply us with liquor,
and then take us back to your place?
Well, I'd be delighted, uh...
Of course, it's just
gonna have to be me.
See, all my friends are
busy tonight or too tired,
or home with their live-in girlfriends.
Oh.
Well...
Do you think maybe you could
handle us all by yourself?
Yes. Yes, I do.
David.
David. Listen to me.
What?
Sorry. Uh, what?
You're bored with this
relationship, is that it?
No, no, God, no.
No, you see, it's just that...
Listen...
Pizza is my favorite food...
Pepperoni and sausage, right?
- W-w-what's your favorite food?
- What?
Linguine and clam sauce.
An excellent choice...
Linguine and clam sauce.
It's great. You love it
more than anything else.
You could probably have
it almost every night.
Almost every night, but
you... you wouldn't want to.
You'd want to try something
new, something different.
You know what?
Your little analogy's
starting to piss me off.
Okay. Okay. Let's... let's forget it.
Good.
Let's just...
...go to sleep.
Ow!
- Where were you?
- I was out.
With Eli.
- You could have called.
- Am I on a leash?
Can't I have a good time without you?
Can't you have a good time with me?
Would it be so bad
to... to invite me along?
You know, you used to think
I was pretty good company.
Oh, hon, you know, when...
when Eli and I go out,
you know, it's a... It's a guy thing.
Eli... David and Eli.
David, you're not married to Eli.
Well, I'm not married to you, either.
David, wait.
What's wrong?
A phone call costs 20 cents.
Hello, mommy, can I stay out and play?
Oh, grow up!
All right, you fellas, give
me a little help here, please.
Can I have a show of hands...
All of you who agree with me that a
relationship is a fine place to sleep,
but you wouldn't want to live there.
Ah! See? Clear majority.
Four guys?
What do you want from me?
They're surrounded by the enemy.
What?
- W-we're not talking.
- We're eating.
We used to talk when we ate.
What do you want to talk about?
I don't know. Anything.
- Can we just enjoy our dinner?
- Fine. Yeah.
I can't enjoy my dinner.
Something's happened. I-I just... I
don't feel connected to you anymore.
Do you feel connected to me?
Oh, please don't give
me that look, okay?
And please don't say,
"Oh, Jesus, Carrie."
Okay.
What do you want from me?
We're in trouble, and I just
want to talk to you about it.
Why do you want to talk about it?
When you hit a rough spot,
sometimes the best thing to
do is just ride through it.
Sometimes talking makes it worse.
- Let it go.
- I can't let it go.
We have to deal with this now.
There's nothing to deal with.
You know, Eli's right.
Sometimes you just
over-analyze everything.
What, you and Eli sit
around talking about me?
What do you... what do
you say to Eli about me?
Eli's my friend. We talk about things.
Look, can... can... Can we not do this?
Let... let's stop this
before it turns into a fight.
It is a fight.
Look at me, David.
Wouldn't you rather someone
else be sitting here right now?
No, I wouldn't.
Be honest... wouldn't you
be having a better time...
...if someone else was here and not me?
- No. No one else.
- I don't believe you.
Yeah, okay, all right.
I-I-I can imagine another
woman here with me.
You know what?
And you're right... I'm
having a better time.
Want to know why?
Because she doesn't tell
me what I'm thinking.
And lead me around on a leash,
and she doesn't hang
Hockneys on my wall.
And she doesn't drive me crazy
with bullshit while I'm eating!
Carrie! Let me in!
Wilma!!
Aw! Hate to see that happen.
I'll go make up the couch.
So, she locked you out
of your own apartment.
Our apartment.
Mm-hmm.
Well...
I say let her stay there.
Let her sit in the
apartment with her plants,
and her rolled-up socks
and her Hockster paintings.
Hockney, Eli...
Whatever it is, it's
hers. She can have it.
- I've got the old David back, don't I?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Y-you do remember the
old David, don't you?
Come on, quick... the three F's.
F... what are they?
F... film.
- Yeah.
- F... food.
Yes! Film, food, fuck. Yes!
Welcome back, David.
So, why did we break up?
Why does anybody break up?
Her friends don't like your friends.
Her mother doesn't like you.
She's a prude. You're
an inconsiderate slob.
She forgets to cap the toothpaste.
You like to sleep with the window open.
Is that what it's all about?
Or is being with somebody like...
...getting too close to the sun?
Y-y-you gotta jump back or you're
gonna get burned or go blind.
Hi, you've reached the
apartment of Carrie and Mr. Shit.
We're not here right now, and
if he were, I wouldn't be. Bye.
...earn 1 1/2 times our income
for the same fucking job,
nut-scratching,
beer-belching,
"Was it good for you?"
Like he really cares,
belligerent, "Hey, what's on cable?"
Only own three pairs of shoes and pay
half of what you do for formal wear,
and then can wear it again,
sports-obsessed, genetically inferior,
orally fixated,
perpetually adolescent...
Left, left, left, right, left.
Left.
I think my friend David
needs a refresher course.
Back to basics.
Lights!
- You really think this is necessary?
- It's very dark in a bar.
You're not Spider-Man, okay?
Being able to identify
a woman by silhouette...
...proves to be both
necessary and cost-effective.
Look, David,
no one can afford to buy a drink
for every ugly woman in a bar.
Not you, not me, not the
brothers Shearson Lehman.
- Eli, come on.
- Okay. You're gonna like this, huh?
This'll be good for you.
- Babe or troll?
- Babe.
Eh...
Yes. Very nice. Nicely done.
And next.
Babe...
Or troll?
- Eli, I... can't really...
- Yes, you can.
Think. Come on. You've got time.
Babe.
Yes!
Yes, Claudia.
Mmm, Claudia.
Buy a drink for Claudia?
Mnh-mnh. I don't think so.
Buy a condo for Claudia.
Uh, okay, Eli, this is
all very well and good,
but does intelligence
factor into this at all?
You want brains, fuck Margaret Thatcher.
Next.
- Babe or troll?
- Oh, babe, definitely.
Oh, that's a shame.
You've chosen Marge Simpson...
An animated cartoon of a
hausfrau to turn your crank.
You must be very pleased.
Jessica Rabbit, I could understand.
Even myself, I've thought on
occasion, "yes," but Marge?
I don't think so.
We've had enough for today, though.
Let's go out and have some fun.
Okay.
He's ready. I can feel it.
He's ready to re-enter
society a reformed man.
Sure, sure, I gotta
worry about a relapse,
but I got two words that
should do the trick...
Tracy Seymour,
A.K.A. "Let's 'see more' Tracy"...
A sure thing.
Ping-pong balls?
I thought you wanted King Kong's balls.
Oh, that is a great joke!
That's very funny.
It's funny because the
guy wanted... right?...
to play ping-pong,
and then structurally,
it's a funny joke because he
wants... let's get out of here.
The guy wants ping-pong balls, right?
And the store owner
thinks literally that he...
Like, if you wanted potato
salad and you asked for coleslaw,
so you ask for potato
salad, and the guy says,
"I have, uh... coleslaw for
you, and why not give me, uh..."
But in this case, you asked for ping-pong
balls and you got huge gorilla balls!
That's very funny.
David.
Tracy, I can't make love to you.
I'm sorry. What?
Tracy, I can't make love to you.
One more time, please.
I can't make love to you.
Oh, I-I thought that's what he said.
Aaaaaah!
- Fine.
- I'll walk you home.
No. I'll be fine.
Hello?
Carrie, it's me.
I, uh...
Really need to talk to you.
You fuckin' pussy.
It's like when you finally
meet the right person.
I mean, the most important
thing to me is commitment.
I mean, we're all afraid to trust.
And I don't just mean
trust each other...
I mean trust ourselves,
trust our feelings.
And share those feelings.
I mean, what are you supposed
to do... read my mind?
No. Men and women have to
tell each other what they want.
I can tell you what I want, Carrie.
I want a relationship
based on honesty, trust,
and continual communication,
And... oh.
Oh, I gotta take that. Excuse me.
Could I get you anything else?
How's the cheesecake?
The only thing worse than not getting
what you want is getting what you want.
Oscar Wilde. He knew.
...Cubic zirconia. Nice
matching rubies, vibrant color,
the gemstone of the souls,
as it's been called. Only $35.
I am such a funny clown
I like to travel
'round and 'round
The circus is my home
I always sleep alone
Ohh! Make up or break up!
This stalemate has got to end.
You know, for once, I agree with
her. I do. I don't care what happens.
I just want my couch back.
He's not calling her.
She's not calling him.
Can someone help this couple?
Good evening. I'm Ted
Koppel, and this...
...is Nightline.
Tonight, "Love on the Rocks"...
Crown versus Davenport.
You'd have to be living in a vacuum the
past week not to notice the friction...
...between young lovers David
Crown and Carrie Davenport.
Standing by in our Boston affiliate,
the principals.
David, is there a case to be made...
that the final blowup was only
symptomatic of much deeper problems?
Deeper problems? What do you mean?
David, I'm referring to
this "missing out" feeling,
which, as you put it, has, and I quote,
"haunted me my entire life."
Phew! Who does your research?
Why do you worry about what
you might be missing, David,
outside of your relationship
with miss Davenport,
instead of concentrating
on creating a deeper,
more meaningful relationship with her?
It's not that I don't love her.
I-I do. I-I love her
with all my heart.
I-I just...
I don't know. Sometimes
I-I feel trapped.
But why, David? I'm
not trying to trap you.
Yeah, I know that, hon. I just... um...
Carrie, David is simply expressing
a general fear of commitment.
Let me see if I can give you an example.
- What's your favorite food?
- No, Ted, shh!
Look, we're trying to
reach an accord here, okay?
Carrie?
I will do everything
in my power to change...
...because... I-I love you...
...and I need you.
And...
I want to come home.
Ted, how do we get out of these boxes?
Linguine and clam sauce.
Your favorite.
That's very sweet of you.
It is.
But, um...
...why don't we try something
just... a little different?
Mmm.
Unh!
Uhh...
That's it... drive it.
Foul! That's a foul!
Where's the call?!
- Where's the fucking call?!
- Oh, man!
There should be... David,
do you believe this shit?
This liver's great. What? What happened?
Bird brings it in, around-the-back
pass to Lewis, right?
Sweet baseline move, and then
Laimbeer and Rodman mug him.
No, no, they rape him, like in prison!
The Pistons aren't a team.
They're the Manson family in shorts.
- Here. You liked that... the liver, right?
- It's great.
Okay, now try the pasta
salad with peppers.
- Give me a "T" here.
- Do I like this?
Hold on, folks.
I can't believe what I've just heard.
- What?
- "Do I like this?"
You all right?
Did I hear you correctly?
Did you ask her if you
liked a particular food?
- So?
- So? So?!
That's a question that an old man
asks his wife at a salad bar.
Couples who have been
married thousands of years.
Men who no longer own
their own prostate.
Men who have no free
will ask that question.
It's beyond pathetic. I
have a radio in my car.
- Oh, guys! Zoe, wait.
- Eli, it's the fourth quarter.
- They're turning into the Reagans.
- Do I hate this?
1:37 in the ballgame.
Carrie.
- Eli. Where's Carrie?
- Yes, David?
Oh, well, I'd rather...
I know you think I'm pussy-whipped,
but tell me where she is.
I won't.
You know where she is.
Tell me where she is.
I'd really rather not say.
Please, Eli, tell me where she is.
- You're not going to like it, David.
- Where is she?
She got tired of waiting
for you to commit.
Where's Carrie? Where
is she?! Where is she?!
She's about to marry a proctologist!
- Taxi! Taxi!
- Oof!
I know. I know.
A dream is your subconscious
trying to get through.
But, you know, it's like a bad
connection to Wabash, Australia.
You miss every other word,
and nothing makes sense.
Somehow you know it's the most
important call of your life.
So, what do you do?
I mean, if you can't be
sure? If you can only guess?
When it's your turn to
talk, what do you say?
Excuse me.
While there is time
- Let's go out...
- Carrie Davenport...
- If you hold me
- ...will you marry me?
I will let you into my dreams
For time is a river
I will.
Roll...
I will. I will. I will.
Reactions were... varied.
Shiksa. Oh, God!
Married. March.
Lovely wife Giselle,
are we in town then?
We nailed one!
Hey, guys, man overboard! Man overboard!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This means we get to throw
a bachelor party, right?
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!
Love's latest victim, David crown.
David, from your best
man to his best friend.
The key to my hotel
room and to the city...
...are yours.
David? Hey, David.
Hi!
- David. David.
- Hello!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
You're the best man, son.
You should know where
he is at all times.
So, uh, where is she,
Zoe? And why is she there?
Well, I'm not sure.
But I'm sure this is the
happiest day of her life.
It better be.
- The natives are getting restless.
- No shit. We need some entertainment.
- Do you play the piano, sir?
- No!
But my lovely wife, Giselle, does.
- Find him!
- Aah! Aah!
- Hi.
- Hiya.
How's David?
It was hard to tell.
Zoe, you're my best friend.
What's gonna happen
to us if I get married?
Nothing.
What's gonna happen
to me if I get married?
What do you mean?
Remember what you said to me at my
party... about me losing my identity?
I know you were kidding...
But I don't know... I
think you might be right.
Well, I was right.
I mean, you will lose your identity,
but only to find a new identity.
And, no offense, maybe a better one.
As a wife?
As a wife...
As a mother...
As a grandmother.
- Boy, can you imagine me as a grandmother?
- Sure!
Zoe, can I rely on him?
Can I rely on... on me?
Do you love him?
Yes.
Would you rather go
back to living with me?
I love you, too, but...
Then let's go get married.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey, you're in my seat.
- How'd you know I'd be here?
Come on. We've been coming
here since we were 6.
Oh, by the way, Kenneth is muy pissed.
- How about Carrie?
- She, uh... didn't say.
Everything is always right here.
Life is perfect under the green
monster. You ever notice that?
I'm usually too drunk by the
sixth inning, but... yeah.
I don't think anything in my marriage
is ever gonna be as perfect as that.
- Oh, it won't be.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, David, but it won't be.
- Why not?
Because marriage isn't baseball, man.
It isn't a game. It's very real.
Besides, there's a lot less spitting.
- So why am I doing this?
- Because you want to.
Because I want to... eventually.
You never really liked Carrie, did you?
You know, when I first met
her, I thought, "Carrie."
You know... Stephen King's Carrie.
But I got to know her, and, uh...
She's okay. She's all right. She's good.
I'm gonna marry Carrie Davenport.
Ah.
You know, someday... not too soon,
but someday, we're gonna come out here,
and you-know-who is gonna be sitting
right between us, sucking on a frosty malt.
Who?
- Your kid, "who?"
- You think?
Come on, the first thing Uncle Eli
teaches the little sperm in Reeboks...
...is how to sneak into the park.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.
Psst.
I never asked you. What
do you do for a living?
I'm an accountant.
And do you, Carrie,
take this man, David, to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness and in health
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you, David,
take this woman, Carrie, to
be your lawfully wedded wife
in sickness and in health,
to love, honor, and respect
her till death do you part?
I do.
Then if there is no one here
who objects to this union...
- Then by the powers vested in me...
- And me.
...and by the covenant
of Moses and Abraham...
By God and the state of Massachusetts.
...by the state of Israel...
We now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
We're not done, huh?
That's it? This is it? What?
Talk to me about rules.
Talk to me about love.
All right, it's a 4-letter word, huh?
All right, when King Kong grabbed
Fay Wray, that was love, was it not?
Sweet love, absolutely, yeah.
But afterwards, boom! Dead monkey.
What the hell's that? Just
tell me it was worth it, okay?
You're goddamn right it was worth it!
They knew it the minute
they met. I knew it.
Even you knew it,
although that didn't stop you from
torturing them every step of the way,
did it, studmuffins?
W-what are best friends for? I
mean, I had to be sure he was sure.
- Really?
- Yes.
Well, that's very sweet.
- I may have misjudged you.
- What are you saying?
Well, you want to go
to a movie sometime?
- What... you and me?
- Yeah.
Dutch, no strudel, no Haagen sex,
although I know you desperately want me.
Just a movie.
You may kiss the bride.
Not so fast, padre.
The ceremonial breaking of the glass.
- Mazel tov! Mazel tov!
- Mazel tov!
Mazel tov!
Roll credits.
Love comes
Love goes
Where to
Nobody knows
And it's strange
how feelings change
But it's all the same to me
With a little time
The feeling grows
Her heart and mine
I know she knows
Oh
I'm so happy now
Oh, I was lost
But now I'm found
Daddy was a good man
Used to work the land
Sometimes life would fight him
But he'd always understand
Went to work every day
I can still hear him say
Can't beat love, my son
To chase those blues away
Ooh
With a little time
Ooh
The feeling grows
Ooh
Her heart and mine
Ooh
I know she knows
Oh
I'm so happy now
I was lost
But now I'm found
Oh
I'm so happy now
I was lost
But now I'm found
Gonna learn to
Brush these blues away
Gonna learn to
Smile every day
Oh
I'm so happy now
Oh, I was lost
But now I'm found
Oh
Oh
I'm so happy now
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Oh, ohhh
I'm so happy now
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Ooh, oh
I'm so happy now
Ohhh
Ohhh
I'm so happy now
Pbht!