The Outcasts (2017) Movie Script

Richard Nixon High
wasn't the worst place
to spend four years.
Well for the most part.
By and large, it was your
average suburban high school
full of self-segregated cliques
and stereotypical angst,
and at the top of the food chain,
the rich and beautiful.
That's us.
In the background.
There's me, Mindy Lipschitz.
The assault victim.
And the girl with the Home Alone look
on her face.
Oh thanks.
That's Jodi, my best friend.
We've been best friends
since third grade.
I'm the one with the
unfortunate eye patch.
As you can see, my school
kind of sucked for us,
and so did Jodi's aim.
Zombie fascist!
Intended target, Whitney Bennett,
voted most likely to be
charged with war crimes.
She was 5'7" of sculpted,
flawless, sociopath.
Actual target.
Son of a...
Principal Whitmore,
tormenting students since 1979.
So sorry!
And that's how this whole thing started,
the rock that launched a revolution.
X-Files is on tonight.
Can't, I have homework.
What the F?
We get detention and
Whitney does a hair flip
and gets off scot-free.
Well if it makes you feel any better,
in at least one of the
infinite multiverses,
she doesn't.
Hey, I know it seems like high school
is the center of this
universe right now.
Do not say it gets better.
Next year you'll be in nerdvana at MI and I'll still be here
serving quadruple bypass
burgers at TGI Fridays.
Or you could be serving an entirely new
and decidedly classier set in Boston
when you come to live with me.
So in every multiverse you know of,
I'm still waiting tables.
That's awesome.
I gotta go.
I've got family jazzercise at five.
It's gonna get physical!
Good luck with that jazzercising!
I am in control!
Hey Dad!
Hey hon.
Mm mmm something smells
How was school?
Oh you know,
legalized torture paid for
by the American taxpayer.
Did you make the appointment
with the college counselor?
Jodi, you're graduating this year.
I think it's time you figured
out where you're headed.
Most likely into a menial job
that doesn't pay a living wage
so I can become a cog
in the 21st century's
version of serfdom.
When did you start
speaking like Trotsky?
Look, I just want you to be happy.
I want you to find
something that you love.
Follow your dreams.
So single 40-something postal carrier
with a PEZ collection
was what you put under
your yearbook photo?
Hey, this PEZ collection
is gonna be valuable one day
and single and widow are two
completely different things.
I know.
Dad, I mean it's been five years.
You know, you're not
getting any younger.
Age is just a number.
That closely correlates with death.
You want me to start dating?
I just want you to find
something you love, Herb.
Follow your dreams.
I'll find a date if
you find a direction.
One of those things is
a lot easier than the other.
It's not finding a date...
And it's not finding a direction.
All right, so here's a new song.
I hope you enjoy it
and by you, I mean me
because I would rather admit
that Taylor Swift's music
has touched my cold, dark heart
than show it to anybody.
It's called Suburbageddon.
Bernoulli's theorem
will be on test next week.
Uh hey Mindy, could you, uh,
stick around for a nanosecond?
Oh, did my Spectro
floato-meter malfunction.
I knew I should have gotten...
Hey, slow down, Sonic.
I spoke with my old roommate
who is on the alumni board at MI and she agreed to set up
a special interview for you.
Are you serious?
As a radiation leak.
Oh my god, this is perfect.
Okay, next step is the interview,
then get in obviously, get
first pick for all my classes,
graduate with honors and
then it will set me up
for one of the more prestigious
graduate programs.
Mindy, one step at a time.
College is about more than
just classes and grades.
It's about exploring, having fun.
I remember staying up
all night with my friends
solving proofs, cracking equations.
It was pretty wild.
But some of my best memories
are just hanging out,
meeting new people, living on the edge.
God I miss college.
Well in my experience,
meeting new people
usually leads to relentless
mockery by said people.
Don't you think that's
a little pessimistic.
Give people a chance.
They can often surprise you.
That is a point worth
considering, Mr. Samuels.
Go forth.
The world is ready to embrace you.
Boo loser.
Since Mr. Samuels was
basically my real-life Yoda,
I knew he was right.
He'd proven it was time
to give people a chance.
I think we should ask
Whitney to stop torturing us.
Did you forget to wear
your gas mask in lab again?
Whitney's a person too, right?
If we approach her like
confident, mature adults,
she will respect us and then
we can coexist in peace.
Of all the douche-nozzles
in this school,
Whitney is the worst.
She hasn't been that horrible.
What the?
Okay fine.
But it's this or suffer
from abject humiliation
for the rest of the year.
So I said to her if you
don't stay away from Rick,
I will call the police and say
that you molested my hat
and you have to register for that.
I'm here.
Took you long enough.
One center cut rare,
three meatball subs, extra sauce,
a hard boiled egg and a kombucha.
I'm going to die a virgin
and you don't even care.
Are you guys selling
band candy or something?
Actually, no.
We were wondering if
we could talk to Whitney
for a second.
Do you have an appointment?
It's fine, Mackenzie.
I want to hear what Bill Nye
and the lesbian have to say.
We know that there has
been some bad blood
between us throughout the years,
but we are seniors now
and there is no reason
why we can't finish off
the school year
being civil to each other.
We thought that if we came
and spoke to you like adults,
we could come to some sort of
mutually beneficial agreement.
I applaud your courage.
Wait what?
It didn't occur to me
until this exact moment
that I kind of respect you.
You didn't change yourself to blend in,
which is much more than can be said
for the rest of these automatons.
Well I'm glad we could come
to this understanding.
Actually, Colin's throwing
a party this Saturday.
You should come.
Thank you for coming.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
The mean attractiveness of this party
is statistically significant.
How do I look?
Soccer mom goes to the Olive Garden.
I guess we should...
Oh perfect.
Thank you for hosting us.
You have a lovely home.
My mom says never come
to a party empty handed.
Have fun, baby.
Hey bro, we got next game.
Oh my god.
Is that really how I just
saw my first human penis?
See, we are diversifying
our portfolio of high
school experiences already.
That contains Colin's urine.
MIT and what was it?
How's it going, guys?
Well we haven't been roofied yet so.
Aren't you enchanting?
This is her trying to be nice.
I'm hoping to get time off
from this conversation
for good behavior.
You're funny, Wellesley.
Thanks, Penn State.
I'm Dave by the way.
We were lab partners sophomore year.
Um Mandy.
Mindy like...
- Like Mindy.
- Like Mindy, cool.
Any reason it would be awkward
for me not to know your name?
Not unless you're an avid follower
of the piccolo section in
the school marching band.
Ah I'm more of a tuba
section guy myself.
Well then I'm Jodi.
There you guys are.
Welcome to the 1%.
- Follow me.
- Our pleasure.
Good luck!
Cool, right?
Go fetch some drinks for
our guests of honor, please.
Oh that's not, not.
Dorks, balls now.
They want you to play pong.
Like ping?
No, beer.
Thank you.
I think it's gone bad.
No, that's just what beer tastes like.
I don't lose.
- You did it!
- Yeah!
Excuse me!
Hello everyone.
Can I have your attention please?
Whitney would like to say a few words.
As you may have noticed,
we have some new additions tonight,
Jodi Shallenberger and Mindy Lipschitz.
Shit lips!
Not so funny after four years.
Now, most of us walk past these two
and have never bothered
to get to know them.
So I put together a little
video of our very own Jodi
so we could all learn
a bit more about her.
Someone's ballin'.
Who's Jodi?
Well any requests?
Ooh eczema, I'm gonna vanquish ya
Oh you're such a good kisser.
I'd party down with you
any time, Adam Scott.
Oh my god.
You know how there are the
birds and there are the bees.
How familiar are you with male anatomy?
Oh my god, Dad, I am 17.
Hon, got your tampons.
No, I need maximum flow.
I told you, Dad!
Oh no!
Jodi, wait!
You're all mean!
You're late.
How epic was prank eight?
I want to be you when I grow up.
If you're going to
be in power next year,
this is your new Bible,
the 48 Laws of Power.
I suggest you heed law number one.
Never outshine the master.
Your lawnmower man is like so happy.
Don't wave!
Mackenzie, drive.
Reach all the stars
'Cause you are my friend
And you're killing it every day
Hey, Jodi.
It's me, your best friend.
Um I'm at school right now and you know,
it is really, really not that bad.
Oy vey.
Oh my god, have you seen
Jodi's Instagram feed?
Someone tagged a photo of
her on a box of tampons.
- That is really not right.
- Oh my god.
That prank was pretty twisted, Whitney.
Even for you.
I mean, how mental do you have to be
to put that much effort
into messing with a couple of nerds
who were just trying to make peace?
All I had to do was teach
myself how to hack a webcam,
figure out Jodi's IP address
and then trick her into responding
to a spyware email I
learned how to write.
You guys are demonic.
You're like medieval to each other.
I will not allow Big Bang Theory
and her frizzy-haired lap dog
to roam the halls of this school
thinking that for one
second they are my equal.
Law 15, crush your enemy totally.
Oh Jodi, coming in.
Remember that only my opinion matters.
Hey, I brought you something.
I brought you my favorite book on Tesla,
who was also totally defeated
and humiliated in his lifetime
and has since regained popularity
and had a resurgence of respect.
Also brought some cookies.
They'll be good in an hour.
And a mint.
You know, one day we are
gonna look back on this
and it is going to be...
Uh just stop, Mindy.
I told you this was gonna happen.
People like Whitney don't change.
God, I knew I shouldn't have
clicked on that attachment.
New Tina Fey series,
piccolo players wanted.
Okay, all right.
No, no.
We're not accepting defeat.
Do we accept defeat?
We are gonna win this one.
I'm sure you understand
the definition of winning.
Not winning.
I am serious.
We are gonna stand up for ourselves.
And how exactly are we gonna do that?
By beating those fascists
at their own game.
We're gonna be popular.
And not lame top 40 popular,
awesome popular.
All of us.
All of the people they have treated
like second class citizens
and then copied their calculus homework.
Popular people don't take calculus.
I know because they are stupid dolts
who are gonna go to
below average Universities
and get mediocre grades
and still end up being our bosses
unless we do something
about it right now.
Just like that, we're gonna
overthrow generations
of ingrained high school social strata?
Is there anything we have
ever put our minds to
that we have not accomplished?
Well we didn't get
Firefly back on the air.
Besides getting Firefly back on the air.
Let's do this.
And so it was.
The revolution was born.
And Tina Fey, if you're listening,
I'd still play piccolo for you.
Power to the peons.
The facts were simple.
There were more of us
than there were of them.
So all we had to do was
convince the outsiders,
misfits and weirdos of
the school to ban together.
Basically we were gonna
unionize the outcasts.
Power to the peons.
Oh wait.
Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple.
Well that was a lucky shot.
- Gross, but lucky.
- Yeah.
Power to the peons!
Hi guys.
I am Claire, ambassador troop 2579.
Welcome, Claire.
I like where your horse head's at.
Going straight Godfather, huh?
It's a unicorn for
my spirit animal badge.
You do realize that this is a meeting
to launch a social revolution.
Yup, I'm in.
Whatever you guys need.
Oh great.
Well why don't you take a seat inside
and we will be with you shortly.
What the hell?
We talked to pretty much
every misfitoy in this school
and the only thing we have
to show for it is Marcia Brady.
Hey, all revolutions
have to start somewhere.
Oh my god, Sugar Jones
incoming 12 o'clock.
No eye witnesses.
Activate shield.
I hear you're trying to obliterate
the jackhole normative power hierarchy
of this pathetic excuse for a school.
Well obliterate is kind
of extreme, but yeah.
I'm in.
Okay, we may be small in number,
but we're all here for a reason, right?
- Wait, why are we here?
- Jesus.
If this is all we got to show,
I say we just burn this mother
down and be done with it.
Arson sounds like a fabulous plan.
But if we need to get more people,
we could go door to door
like I do with cookies.
It's an excellent way
to bond with people
in a place where they feel
comfortable being themselves.
Screw Girl Scout cookies,
an obvious conspiracy to subjugate girls
and force them into
traditional gender roles
by selling overpriced, unremarkable,
and nutritionally-deficient baked goods.
We suck at this.
This isn't a revolution,
this is a girl band.
We need someone who can work the system,
Karl Rove good witch style.
As president of the History,
Young Democrats,
Multi United Nations Club, I am...
Virginia Vanderkamp had locked up
most likely to succeed in third grade.
Our junior year, Virginia launched
the culmination of all her hard work,
a campaign for student
council president.
She had a well-oiled political machine
and several key endorsements.
Vote for me, Virginia.
- Do you want a pin?
- Hey Twilight, go Kyle.
But despite her
best efforts, she lost...
- Kyle McDevon.
- Chipotle burritos, yeah!
Whose campaign speech consisted of
giving out free Chipotle gift cards.
You want a burrito, Virginia?
And spectacular abs.
Oh yeah!
After a crushing defeat,
she went where many a depressed
and disgruntled American
has gone before,
Needless to say, she didn't come back
from summer break the same.
What's your shirt say?
Hell is other people.
Oh this girl definetely owns a pony.
Does anyone else feel underdressed?
Hi, Virginia.
This is Mindy Lipschitz,
Jodi Shallenberger,
Sugar Jones and Claire the Girl Scout.
We were trying to upend
the social hierarchy of our school.
Or destroy it.
And we could use your help.
I'm not interested
in your futile attempts
to make sense of the world's chaos.
Be gone.
We were actually thinking more
along the lines of revenge.
We tried to talk to all
the different groups,
but nobody wanted to join the cause.
Well of course not.
You think all the outcasts are the same,
but really we're like snowflakes,
snowflakes that hate each other.
Let me break it down for you.
You've got your basic overachievers,
your underachievers,
your emos, your goths,
your bandos, your drama dorks,
orchestra oddballs and gleeks.
Then there are kids
lost in middle earth,
kids lost in space, kids
who take up too much space,
your steampunk,
cyber punk, classic punk,
kids with foreign parents,
kids who are parents,
Twihards, kids who try too hard,
kids who write binary, kids
who reject the gender binary,
gamers, stoners, loners, anarchists,
activists, masochists, and atheists.
There are more strains
of loser out there
than the herpes virus.
Uniting them under one banner,
that is no easy task.
So we're screwed.
I said it wasn't easy, I didn't
say it was impossible.
What is this place?
It used to be my campaign headquarters.
Prior to that it was used by my father
to house his miniature horse collection.
Prior to that it was used by
my schizophrenic grandfather
to interrogate imaginary communists.
He won an imaginary medal for that.
Man, rich white people are messed up.
When I was running for office,
I did a little research on the voters.
So this is where the NSA
stores its data.
These files represent
the entire student body.
Each one of them contains
your standard class list,
GPA, activities, hobbies,
psychological profile,
past and current lovers, and
most importantly weaknesses.
No effing way.
Point of weakness, Tina Fey piccolo.
Geeze, am I that transparent?
Overtly aggressive,
lack of impulse control
militant with anarchist undertones.
Latent Napoleonic tendencies.
What does yours say, Claire?
It just says Girl Scout.
What's in your file, Virginia?
I don't have any weaknesses.
These three files
represent the king pins
of the school's underclass.
Convince them and you
have a shot at this thing.
The key is figuring out
what makes people tick
and then exploiting it mercilessly.
I like you, Virginia
even if you are named
after a slave state.
First up, Howard Chang,
leader of the young entrepreneurs.
Points of weakness,
black mock turtlenecks,
technology savvy women
and the word billion.
I get what you guys are going for.
I think it's very innovative,
but it's just not right for us.
We're working on an app right
now that's gonna blow up.
Asiavous, Facebook for Asians.
And besides, I've got
to look to the future,
not worry about high school.
I still have to get
into Harvard, then drop out of Harvard
before I can start my first company.
Here's to the crazy ones,
the misfits, the rebels.
You can quote them
or disagree with them,
but the only thing you
can't do is ignore them
because they change things.
Do you know who said that?
Apple and that is why
they make billions.
Next is Martin Vimmel,
head of the Science Fiction Club.
Points of weakness, hard sci-fi,
the sound of his own voice
and very aggressive women.
Okay, here's the deal.
Just because you're a science geek,
doesn't mean we're
your comrades in arms.
Science is about what is.
Any idiot can do that.
Science-fiction is about what could be.
We're huge Dr. Who fans.
Yeah, the Matt Smith years
completely turned the series around.
Tell you what, give me the title
of one Neal Stephenson novel, just one,
and I'll join your little group.
You think skinny, anemic fanboys
have a monopoly on
the one fictional genre
where women and people of color
get to exist outside of
backwards societal norms
and traditional confinements?
Not to mention a genre
largely premised on the idea
that future dystopia is
the inevitable outcome
of the current system
of patriarchal excess?
Oh and Cryptonomicon,
Snow Crash, Anathem.
Should I go on?
Louis Hammerschmidt,
leader of the Fantasy Club.
Points of weakness, Elven languages,
heroic aspirations and any woman.
Whitney Bennett is the Cersei
Lannister of high school.
You guys are idiots if you think
you can play
the Game of Thrones with her.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going
to end up like Ned Stark.
Louis, think of it like this.
What if Frodo hadn't left the Shire
and fought against the Dark Lord?
Thanks for the ride.
I'm really glad I'm helping you guys
with this whole thing.
I've always admired you.
You're just so unapologetic
for who you are.
That's been a recurring problem.
So when did you know?
That I rubbed people the wrong way?
I haven't heard that
one before, but yeah.
Um you know, I guess it
was pretty obvious since
I was a kid, but I really hit
my stride in middle school.
I rub people the wrong way too.
I mean, I haven't actually yet.
But I want to someday.
First I have to figure out
how to tell them.
That you're rude and obnoxious?
That I'm gay.
Wait what?
It's so great to talk to
somebody who's already out.
You're like my hero.
When you walked through the school
with that sign on your back
announcing that you were gay,
I could not believe how brave you were.
Okay first of all,
someone put that sign
on my back as a prank
and secondly, why does
everyone think I'm gay?
You do wear a lot of vests.
I'm sorry, I just, I thought that...
No, it's okay.
I'm really glad that you told me.
When did you know?
I think it finally clicked
when I realized
I didn't just love Veronica Mars,
I loved Veronica Mars.
I will, I will see you
at school in the halls.
You know and say hi to me.
- See you later.
- See you.
Things are happening, Herb.
Things are happening.
Yes they are.
New York Performing Arts School.
Deal's a deal.
I have a date with Carol
and you have a date with destiny.
Find love today.
Things are happening.
Raise your hand if
you've ever eaten lunch
in a bathroom stall.
Been made fun of because of your weight,
ethnicity, sexual orientation,
or knowledge of the
periodic table of elements.
Well it's time we did
something about it.
It's time you got to the point.
It's been 42 seconds and I still
don't know your product,
your plan or your profit point.
If you want to endlessly
pontificate start a blog.
We have a blog.
It's called,
Oh no, here comes angry black girl.
Oh I'm not angry because I'm black.
I'm angry because I'm paying attention.
All we're saying is that
if we don't stick together,
we have no chance of standing
up to the evil empire.
What you're proposing is
like the Rebel Alliance.
Star Wars, classic sci-fi.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I think Star Wars
technically constitutes fantasy.
Uh in what galaxy?
It's an archetypal hero's quest.
That's fantasy.
Um yeah, set in a technologically
advanced society
with space ships.
And sword fighting.
Light sabers are not swords.
What about the Force?
That's magic.
Which was scientifically
explained by midichlorians.
Are you actually citing
the prequels to me right now?
Why do we have two sci-fi nerds here?
He's sci-fi, I'm fantasy.
It's totally different.
Totally different.
But neither of you get laid, right?
This is exactly the problem.
What is a popular person?
What makes them different from us?
Flawless skin.
A large number of followers.
That's what they want you to think
because they need you to believe
that it's hard to be popular.
The only difference between them and us
is that they are unified.
So while we're sitting here
tearing each other apart
over who would win in a battle
between Batman and Green Lantern.
- Batman.
- Green Lantern.
They're sitting pretty
and ruling our school.
So what are you asking for,
blind loyalty,
that we just pretend we're all friends?
No, not blind loyalty, real loyalty.
We all have something in common.
We've been kept on
the outskirts of a school
that we help make great and...
We are the movers and the shakers.
We are the club presidents
and the innovators.
We are the ones with our hands
on the beating pulse of otherness
that make America the best
effing country in the GD world.
So I say let's stop
bending over and taking it
and stand together.
And so it began, our Independence Day.
At first, the changes were small,
a smile here,
a random act of
non-douche baggery there.
In shared struggles, former
enemies forged new alliances.
Lactards unite.
Some of us learned the ancient art
of not getting our asses kicked.
So I'll try not to hurt you too...
Some of us combined forces
to design innovative solutions
to age-old problems.
What's up, turtleneck?
I lost my iPhone and
I'm gonna need yours.
You've got five seconds to hand it over.
What the hell is that?
What are you gonna do, Dildo Baggins?
Get him!
Smells like Comic Con in here anyway.
And once the outcasts
became a united front,
the rest of the school
fell like dominoes.
Political power, check.
Never getting picked last again.
Come on!
You guys can suck it!
And that is why the singularity is near.
Debate tournaments were in.
Organized sports were out.
And slowly, things began
to actually change.
Dork was the new popular.
We couldn't believe it.
Every flavor of weirdo was
breaking bread together.
We should do something to celebrate
how awesome we are.
Yeah, even the goths look kind of happy.
Guys, we just pulled off the
bloodless coup of the century
and it is...
Probably just a phase or something.
Like I herd Mercury is
supposedly going renegade.
Here's the truth.
One day, I will be in a place
where power isn't determined
by acned suburban subliterates
and that place will be Princeton.
But for now, I have to
cater to these morons
who apparently think
pretending they're popular
actually means they're popular.
What's law number five?
Much depends on our reputation.
Guard it with our life, get it?
We are our reputation.
So right now I'd say it's
pretty clear that we are...
Mmm toast.
The thing about power
is when you don't have it,
someone else does.
So you say phase and I say insurrection
and if Stalin taught us anything,
the only response to
insurrection is to crush it.
Stephanie, purple is
definetely your color.
Chase, good luck on that
first chair open audition.
Sarah, your Blanche
DuBois was transcendental.
Hey, you, me, Magic the Gathering.
Fifth period, whoo!
Oh Mr. Samules.
I'm just goofing.
Oh well.
Nice balls, Milton.
Geez, like Pandora's box opened up
and it was filled with
weirdos and losers.
Oh what's that?
Every scientist needs an arch nemesis.
He's right though.
The school does seem different lately.
You have anything to do with that?
I can neither prove nor
disprove that hypothesis.
Well whoever is responsible,
I can't help but thinking it is
exactly the type of person
who would go over like
gangbusters in an MIT interview.
I don't know, I've got
it narrowed down to two.
I've got maroon and black
and I'm not sure which
goes better with my dickey,
but my dickey kind of
goes with everything
and I keep thinking what would
Neil deGrasse Tyson do,
but then again I'm not
Neil deGrasse Tyson,
but then again.
Mindy, Mindy, stop worrying.
They'd be Darwin Award grade
morons not to take you.
I keep imagining how great
it would be next year,
me at MIT, you coming
to live with me in Boston.
Um Mindy, there's something I've...
Oh oh!
Okay, I gotta go, that's my mom.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
But then in ninth grade, the
Young Astronomers Association
selected me for the Rising Star Award,
which I accepted despite the lazy pun
and then in 10th grade,
I won second prize
at the state science fair
for my project anisotropic
versus isotropic materials.
Okay Mindy, it's clear that
you're a really talented scientist.
Great grades, great test scores.
But what makes you tick?
What makes you special?
Like okay, when I was at MIT,
I was a member of the Hacks, right.
Learned more from
pulling off those pranks
than in any class I took so.
Well as I mentioned,
I am president of the
School Science Club
and a national merit scholar
and I can recite the entire
periodic table of elements.
Would you like me to?
I can do it.
There's antimony, arsenic,
aluminum, selenium
and hydrogen and oxygen
and nitrogen and rhenium
and nickel, neodymium,
neptunium, germanium
and iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
and lanthanum and osmium
and astatine and radium
and gold and protactinium
and indium and gallium...
And iodine and thorium
and thulium and thallium.
I saw you dancing.
What's going on?
What you listening to?
Um Bowie.
What's that, Nickelback?
Oh yeah, huge Nickelback fan.
Love it.
Canadian icons.
You like Carole King?
It makes me feel like a natural woman.
Who can't relate to that,
you know what I mean?
Let's not forget that
the last time I saw you,
you and your friends orchestrated
the most humiliating moment of my life.
Yeah, okay.
First of all, I'm sorry.
I had no idea that was gonna happen.
Do you think that anyone knows
what's going on in American
Psycho Barbie's head?
No and second of all,
that stuff was not humiliating.
Except in all the ways
that it was humiliating.
I'm surprised you didn't change schools.
But here look, hey, positive side.
Eczema song, knocked it out the park.
- Can you just not?
- Rickets.
Do you have a song about
rickets for my grandad?
He's got rickets.
I don't, I don't get it.
I guess you wouldn't get it,
you're a young woman, very healthy.
I mean, you know,
you seem like you aren't
a completely heinous human being
and have at least a modicum of a soul.
That is the sweetest thing
that anyone's ever said to me.
Thank you.
How can you hang out with Adolf Whitler?
Look, trust me, I know how awful she is.
What you think you have
a copyright on teen angst?
It's high school, we're all put
into a box and marginalized.
Look at me, I hang out with Colin.
I've known Colin since the second grade.
The guy is, he's an idiot.
But what am I supposed to do?
Not all of us have the guts
to stage a full-scale rebellion.
Mindy's the brains behind the operation.
You just write the theme music?
Look um, for what it's worth,
I'm glad you didn't transfer schools.
My hand's on your shoulder.
Full contact, shoulder touching.
Pound it, blow it up.
- Explosion.
- Yeah.
Oh um by the way,
Bowie totally made weird awesome.
Check mate.
Killing it.
People think pretty girls
can't be smart,
but it's like don't pigeon hold me.
Uh don't you mean pigeon hole?
Ew, what's a pigeon hole?
What's a pigeon hold?
It's like if you hold onto a pigeon,
it can't fly away.
- Yeah.
- It's like let me fly.
Where the hell is everyone?
Hey Mackenzie, look at that.
You like that?
I think everyone's at the lame party.
That's awesome.
What the hell is your problem, hmm?
You know what my problem is?
You're uh you're super evil.
You're like African rebel
group dictator evil
and I can't do it anymore.
So I think I'm gonna
check out the lame party
where I hear the hosts
aren't total ass hats.
You'll fit right in.
I think I'm gonna go to that party too.
It sounds like there's girls there.
I think someone should
probably scope it out too.
You know, like do some
double agent shenans.
Hey, so what's in this anyway?
My own personal secret blend
of choice chemicals
and a dash of genius.
I call it Lipschitz and giggles.
You're right, I do have
the vague urge to laugh.
Whoa, looks like I picked
the right party.
Oh Dan, right?
- Dave.
- Dave, Dave like..
- Like Dave.
- Like Dave.
So do you know anyone
who can get me into
the Whitney protection program?
Oh my god.
Tell me everything.
And for you.
Who wants Lipshots?
So Principal Whitmore gave
you two months detention
for protesting the summer reading list?
I always heard it was because
you threw a flash bomb into glee club.
That was just a rumor I started.
Well we should organize a protest.
What do you know about
protesting, Pollyanna?
I know you think Girl Scouts are silly,
but the whole point is to empower girls
so we can change the world.
You know, Gloria Steinem,
Hilary Clinton,
and Sandra Day O'Connor
were all Girl Scouts.
Hmm maybe you're not as "puppies
and unicorns" as you seem.
I thought I would be
just better at jousting,
I don't know, like
'cause of a reach thing
'cause I have long arms.
'Cause you got those long, spindly ones.
Thank you, spindly ones, sure.
Oh whoa, there's a piano here.
You know what that means.
Will you write any new songs?
You know what, I actually
just wrote one in my head
called "Our Party is Way
Better Than Your Party."
It's weird.
Thank you, it's nice.
I am working on one now.
But um...
It's stupid.
Oh I will be the judge of that.
Sit down.
Do I have to?
Yeah, yeah you're gonna
have to play a song for me.
I can't believe you're
making me do this.
All right.
On the outskirts going nowhere
But I've heard that
the truth is out there
I just hope one day I can show
There is more here
than what they know
And that's all I have.
That was all you?
That was great, are you kidding me?
That was awesome.
That was really good.
I was just thinking for the chorus.
What if it went.
Wow, I didn't know you played.
I don't like to let people
behind the candelabra.
It's my secret place.
So when do I get to hear
the rest of your songs?
Some time.
Later, maybe later, maybe later.
Hey, oh.
Oh hey guys.
Um I just wanted to let you
know that they're reenacting
the Battle of Trafalgar
out on the beach.
Awesome, let's do that.
That's way better than...
Naval battle, huh?
I think I speak for everyone when I say
that Saturday's shindig
was one of the best,
nay, the best party of all time.
Here here.
Now, does anyone have anything
to bring to the council's attention?
Upcoming events, seminar ideas?
Sugar and I did some
research and it turns out...
What about sabotaging the lacrosse team.
We've finally established
strategic dominance.
Now is the time to exploit our advantage
and those guys had it coming.
A few tablets of Ex-Lax
in the team's water coolers
and their bowels will
explode like krypton.
Do you think Steve Jobs
became the greatest visionary
of all time by being satisfied
with creating the iMac?
He changed it up and created the iPod,
then the iPhone, then
the iPod touch, then...
I got it, I got it.
I guess a little explosive
diarrhea never hurt anyone.
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Hey, want to play Settlers of Catan?
Oh I can't.
My dad's new lady friend
is coming over with her kid
so we can all meet each other
even though it's only their second date.
Well that sounds fun.
All right, you guys gotta go.
You know how my parents feel
about organized labor, so.
Oh god.
What do I do?
Is it too neat?
Is my hair too neat?
Should I mess it up?
I mean, don't the ladies like it messy?
Oh, Herb.
Sweet, sweet Herb.
Listen, you haven't dated in awhile
so I feel the need to tell you that
at your age, women
aren't super concerned
with the way you style your hair
as much as they are impressed
that you still have hair.
Oh no.
Awkward doesn't suit you.
No awkward.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You must be David, of course you are.
Who else would you be?
You wouldn't bring a date
to dinner, right?
I'm Herb.
Uh uh David, this is my daughter Jodi.
Jodi, David.
Jodi, Carol, Carol, Jodi.
David, Carol, Herb, Jodi.
Everybody knows each other.
Introductions out of the way.
Come into the house please.
This is the way in.
Boom shaka laka laka
Boom shaka laka laka boom
Shaka laka laka boom
Jodi, it's Mindy.
Call me.
I suggested hey,
why not take the shorts up
an inch above the knee.
They said no, but with
respect they said no.
Um I also have made...
Hey, guys.
Just give me these, give me these.
You guys are done, right?
- Not quite, but.
- Mom's done, Mom's done.
Sure, thank you.
That's good.
Hey, hey.
What if they get married?
Then we almost committed stepcest.
Hey, you were the one
who went in for the kiss.
No, no way.
You were practically
undressing me with your eyes.
Undressing you?
Are you 40?
Mister oh I don't let many
people behind the candelabra.
Fine, we'll just chalk it
up to equal parts creepy.
I don't know where this goes.
Friends it is?
Yeah, in the interest of not having
our family tree go in a circle friends.
I'm sorry, I realize referencing
having children with you
makes it more creepy.
Yeah, it did.
I got an operation plan to Photoshop
the cheerleaders' yearbook picture.
Can I get the green light?
I don't care, do what you want.
I have been looking for you all day.
Oh my god, last night was like
the seventh circle of awkwardness.
I called you.
I know.
It was insane.
I got waitlisted at MIT.
Wait, wha, wha?
No, no, no, there's gotta be a mistake.
Hey, I want names.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, guess who's coming to dinner?
We're joking.
Hey, did you hear?
Actually not.
- Um...
- Not a good time.
Her dad and my mom, they're
like totally dating now.
That's crazy.
Oh hey, side point.
I found a perfect song
for your audition.
Thanks Dave, I'll take it from here.
It's just for a performing arts school.
In Boston?
In New York.
I was gonna tell you.
It's no big deal.
Of course it's a big deal.
I'm sure you'll get in
and it's a good thing you've got Dave
to help you with your audition.
Mindy, don't be mad.
I gotta go.
Hey, we'll talk later, okay?
It's fine, let's just go.
Mindy Lipschitz,
please report to the principal's office.
This is an all new level.
Stealing chemicals and lab
equipment from the school?
Come on, Les, Mindy is
one of my best students.
She would never do that.
Why don't you have a look-see.
Okay, well that one is
clearly Photoshopped.
- Mindy.
- Well guess what.
You're out of the science club forever.
- This must be some mistake.
- Save it, sweater vest.
Luckily, we still have students
like Whitney Bennett who had the courage
to bring this sick delinquency
to my attention.
Get out of my office.
Mr. Samuels.
Why didn't you defend me?
What do you want me to do, Mindy?
You went to MIT,
the greatest academic institution
in the known universe
and you're still being bullied
by an overgrown frat boy.
Oh my god, you totally broke her.
Law 42, strike the shepherd
and the sheep will scatter.
Straight back to you.
Are you sure you want this?
I want it.
So phase change in pressure.
Can anyone tell me what
the exception to the rule of...
Brothers and sisters,
it is time to open your eyes.
Whitney Bennett, for four years
she has crafted
a meticulous image as
the rich girl who had it all.
Well brothers and sisters,
Whitney Bennett is not who you thought.
The mansion her family
supposedly lives in,
try the servants' quarters.
Her father, the hedge fund manager,
these are the only hedges
he's ever managed.
The mother who works in fashion,
only if this constitutes working
in the fashion industry.
Her older brother getting a master's
in business at Wharton.
The only business he's
mastered is delivering pizzas.
The truth is revealed.
The only reason Whitney
was always so intent
on exposing all of your weaknesses
was so that you would
never discover hers.
Whitney Bennett is a liar.
What was that?
That was our revenge over Whitney.
You do realize that you
just did the same thing to her
that she did to me.
Exactly, it's called revenge.
I don't get what your problem is.
This is what you wanted.
We set out to change
things and we did it.
We won.
It doesn't feel like we won.
It feels like we're becoming the things
that we used to hate.
My whole life I played by the rules.
I did all my homework,
I colored in the bubbles
with my number two pencils
and what did it get me?
Teased, tortured, ignored,
Do you know what turning
the other cheek gets you?
Two black eyes.
The old Mindy...
Was a pushover who thought
she was gonna go to MIT,
engineer the perfect hydrogen fuel cell
and get an element named after her.
Lipschitzium can still happen.
If you have a problem
with what you're doing,
you should do something about it.
If this is what it is...
Then I'm out.
So we had succeeded in creating
a new world order at
Richard Milhous Nixon High.
Turns out power is a potent drug
and with Whitney publicly humiliated
and officially dethroned,
the underlings of our school
had now become its overlords.
Dude, that was amazing.
I'm registered as a lethal weapon.
Well this sucks.
I told you we should have
just burned this mother down.
Here here.
Has anyone seen Whitney?
Oh she's gone AWOL.
I never thought I'd feel bad for someone
who affectionately references Stalin.
Now we should shove
his head into a toilet.
You know what I'm saying?
Look, I never meant for
things to go down like that.
Oh come on, don't tell
me you're not having
a dorkgasm over this.
Google alert, you did
the same thing to me
and did I go into hiding?
But your threshold for
humiliation was already so high.
No wait, I, I'm, s-s-s...
Were you trying to apologize?
It just gets stuck in my throat.
But I know you're right, okay.
You're right.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.
I intend to rule this school next year.
But the only way you become the best
is by working for the best.
I thought that was Whitney,
but apparently I was wrong.
I won't pretend to like
your fashion choices.
But you've got a lot to teach me
and I'd like to offer my services
as your intern for the rest
of the school year.
Prom is almost here and
we still don't have a theme.
So I'd like you to rally
your various factions
to back my proposal for Ender's prom.
Support my bid for prom king,
I vote for whatever theme you want.
Wait, I'm running for prom king.
I'm the only one who knows how
to wield a sword effectively.
Whoa whoa whoa.
I thought we were letting Colin
win so we could prank him.
No, we never went over that.
I'm going to be king.
Um no, you're not gonna
be king, I'm gonna be king.
Mindy, I am willing to make you queen
with a five-year no-beheading clause.
A no beheading clause?
As I sat there listening,
I realized how ridiculous it all was.
We had pretended we cared
about coming together,
but in the end people only
cared about themselves.
Even best friends.
So it had all been a lie,
which was fitting since
when you think about it
most of high school is a lie.
Everyone faking it, trying to act cooler
or smarter or older or just
more sure of themselves
than they really are and
I couldn't help but think
wouldn't it be nice for once
if people just told the truth.
So you're going to drug prom?
That makes it sound so serious.
Lipschitzium is a very
mild form of truth serum
in gaseous form.
Think of it like a very smart person's
version of spiking the punch, okay?
Oh I'm fine with you drugging prom.
So what changed your mind
about working with me?
You may be a duplicitous opportunist,
but at least you're honest
about what you want.
Thank god you're back.
Do you know what it was like
being the only hot person
in this school?
The army of dorkness is multiplying
faster than the Kardashians.
Sorry, habit.
So are you going to prom?
Hell no.
Hey Whitney, can your dad mow my lawn?
You have a message from Mom.
Make sure you drive
safely to school, honey.
You'll know.
Love, Mommy.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
You don't need a date to go to prom.
The date, the dress, the revelry.
I don't even know where
to begin with my hatred.
And anyways, Mindy and I
had always planned
on doing a Star Wars
marathon on prom night.
13.24 hours prequels and all.
I get it, it's just...
I had a chat with Mackenzie.
She's apparently Mindy's intern now
and she wouldn't tell me anything,
but it sounds like Mindy's planning
some sort of crazy prank at prom.
Guess she's not done
getting her revenge.
Why are they fighting on a
hovercraft above molten lava?
Well Herb, I'll tell you.
Obi-Wan here is just
trying to be a good friend
and to keep Anakin from
acting like a total jackhole,
but Anakin is more interested
in making a stupid power play
than in hanging out
with his best friend.
Hmm I don't know.
It seems to me Obi-Wan
is being pretty brave,
standing up for the fate of the universe
and trying to help out his friend
who seems to be going
through maybe a rough time.
Even if Obi-Wan ends
up having to chop off
his best friend's legs and
his best friend ends up
turning into some
mouth-breathing, goth cyborg
who eventually kills him?
Yeah, even then.
There's one thing that I do know.
Nothing great ever happens
when you're sitting on the sidelines.
I gotta go to prom.
Thanks, Dad.
Jodi, I am your father.
Your founding father.
I really hope this isn't genetic.
Dad, are there any old clothes
in Mom's closet I can wear?
What a vision.
Just got off the phone with Carol.
Dave doesn't have a date either.
So she's gonna bring him over
here so you guys can carpool.
It's fine.
You're just carpooling.
It's not gonna be awkward at all.
You guys, come on, squeeze in over here.
Grab her waist.
She's not your sister.
All right, see ya.
All right, so I'm just gonna go.
Okay the coast is clear, let's go.
We are so Breaking Bad right now.
Hey Colin.
Who came up with this theme anyway?
The patriarchy.
You back in?
Wanna bust a move?
Fine, whatever.
You gotta get up to get down.
I think I might actually be a PC.
Maybe my therapist is right.
I am dating my father.
Is there any way to deny
that all human suffering
originates from human desire?
Unless the only way to end
suffering is to end desire.
But the illogical and
futile nature of desire
will inevitably win out
over our rational nature.
This punch...
Is good.
I know that everybody loves Harry,
but I can certainly appreciate
Zayn's brooding charm,
but for my money, Liam is
the unsung hero of One Direction.
I find everything about you repulsive,
yet I'm strangely drawn to you.
That is the nicest thing
a girl has ever said to me.
I love you, man.
Yes homo.
I find myself incredibly
attracted to you
despite that pantsuit.
This is awesome.
Thank you, Adam Scott.
Hey um...
I really like you.
I really like.
Damn it.
Um I gotta go.
I'll find you later.
Where have you been?
Sorry I was, I was just
in the janitor's closet
making out with my future stepbrother.
Okay, we have to find Mindy.
And before her plan goes into effect.
God knows what she could do.
She is a really good chemist, you know?
Really good.
Oh my god, what is all this?
Is she trying to poison the school?
I wouldn't put it
past her at this point.
What do you think this does?
I don't, I don't...
Expose the truth.
Some best friend you are.
I'm sorry, is the person
who's building a chemical weapon
questioning my integrity
in this scenario?
I figured it was about
time somebody cut through
all the bullshit so we could
see who people really were.
I told you you couldn't trust her.
And now all of a sudden you're, you're,
you guys are BFFs?
Yeah because between you and Whitney,
Whitney is the one who is acting
less like an evil dictator.
You are just jealous
because I am the one
who finally stood up to her,
which is something that you've
always been too scared to do.
I'm turning you in.
If you're not with me, you are my enemy.
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
I will do what I must.
You will try.
No, no!
Whitney, go get help.
Eh no thanks.
Law 21.
Play a sucker to catch a sucker.
I need to report a crime in progress.
Okay everybody.
It is that time of the evening
that you've all been waiting for.
Your very handsome principal
is about to announce
your prom king and queen.
You shall not pass!
And the prom king is...
Louis Hammerschmidt?
Wow, you guys suck at this.
Make way or I'll have
you drawn and quartered.
My fellow classmates,
I intend to rule you all
with an iron but noble fist.
And the prom queen is...
The lovely Miss Claire Stuart.
- That's you, go.
- Congratulations.
Oh wow, you look lovely.
Thank you.
And let's let beauty and the beast
regale us with a little dance.
Watch your step.
Seize fire!
Seize fire!
That was exhausting.
Nerd fight!
Oh my god!
Hey, do you need my help?
No, I got this.
Where have you been?
In Europe, proms don't start until 11.
Say you're sorry!
Why couldn't you just be happy for me?
Because you were too busy
exploring your sexuality
to attend to my emotional needs.
You knew how much MIT meant to me.
You know what, I am sorry
that for once in my life
I found a boy that is totally
awesome and broodingly sexy.
Oh my god, Jodi, stop it.
You think I'm totally awesome?
- Yeah.
- Cool, that's great.
- That's awesome.
- Thanks, man.
And I am really sorry
that for once in your life
your 10-year plan didn't go
perfectly, but you know what,
suck it up and deal with
it like the rest of us!
Oh ew, are you two gonna make out now?
You know what, Whitney, shut up!
I defended you.
Even after all of the horrible
crap that you put me through,
I still tried because
I was stupid enough
to feel bad for you.
Do you think I actually care
what these people think of me?
High school is over.
I just wanted you two to know
before we all left that I won,
that I will always win
and whenever I want
I can take away that which you
hold most dear and crush it
and it barely took any push at all
to turn you two into Cain and Abel.
Frankly, I think I did you a favor,
otherwise this little horror show
likely would have dragged
on for another few years
before you two cut your
losses and moved on.
Maybe she's right.
It was stupid to think that
we would still be friends
after high school.
You're gonna do your thing,
I'm gonna do mine and,
and in 10 years we'll see
each other at the reunion
and smile.
Maybe that's the way
it's supposed to be.
If that's how you really feel,
then maybe we should just
stop avoiding the inevitable
and end this right now.
It is how I feel.
Well that hurts.
Not as bad as that.
Oh you gotta be kidding me.
And with that the revolution was over.
The police let me go, calling
Lipschitzium a misguided
but ultimately harmless prank.
After a hefty suspension,
Mindy returned to school
and all the cliques returned
to how they'd been before.
I drugged prom.
Every scientist has one great regret.
Look at Oppenheimer.
So I had time to do some thinking
while I was in the clink.
It wasn't just an adolescent
right of passage I ruined,
I destroyed all the good I did.
I had an opportunity
to really change things
and when it came down to it,
I was no different than Whitney Bennett.
I'm not gonna tell you
it was okay what you did.
But I understand.
It's hard feeling like
you're giving your best
and people don't value you.
There are always gonna be jerks.
That doesn't change after high school.
And you can spend your
life trying to beat them
or prove them wrong
or get even with them,
but that's all wasted energy.
What you need to do is figure out what
and who is important to
you and fight for that.
The rest doesn't matter.
Yes, yes!
Mr. Flemming.
Jodi Shallenberger, is it Jodi?
Jodi Shallenberger!
Oh my god!
I couldn't.
What are you doing here?
I couldn't let you go in
there without you knowing
how proud I am of you.
I got into MIT today and
it didn't mean anything
because you weren't there
to celebrate with me.
I don't know how things
got so messed up.
Okay no, I do know.
I went totally Dr. Strangelove.
But the thing you said about
us being high school friends.
You're not my high school friend.
You're my best friend.
We're the radical two.
You will always know
about the face plant I got
that got me this dental bridge.
You will always know I prefer
odd numbers to even.
I don't know where life will take us.
Hopefully, hopefully
to the 2020 Grammy's
and the first human settlement on Mars.
But it doesn't matter because all I know
is that I want you
in my life for all of it.
I am so sorry and I'm back.
I'm so sorry I was too busy
exploring my sexuality.
It's okay, sexuality is important.
Oh my god.
Oh I am so glad you're here,
you have no idea.
I'm totally freaking out.
Look at me.
Remember science fair finals.
I was so nervous, I could almost puke
on my bacteria cultures.
You made me do it.
Get yourself together, Jodi.
I think I know what we have to do.
Boom shaka laka laka,
boom shaka laka laka,
boom shaka laka laka boom.
We reach for the stars
'Cause you are my friend
And you're killing it every day
Miss Shallenberger.
Do or do not, there is no try.
That's my best friend!
My best friend.
Star Wars quote, the end of it.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
As I stand before you...
So high school was finally over.
And maybe it was just
the Stockholm syndrome
talking, but for the first time
I kind of felt like
I was gonna miss the place.
We had tried so hard to tear down
the entire system that we lost sight
of what our high school really was,
people, people on the inside,
people on the outside,
people learning who they are.
Who they want to be.
Who they don't want to be.
Are you serious?
Because no matter who you are.
The prom king, the fashionista,
or the future disgraced senator,
high school is the same.
It's the best of times.
It's the worst of times.
Full of wonderful people
and not so wonderful people.
And it's once in a lifetime.
And we made it through.
We did it.
We're members of society,
we have the diploma.
We can prove it to everyone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well done.
Well done to you too.
I'll call you, Wellesley.
All right, Penn State.
- You guys.
- Come on.
Hey guys.
- That was classic.
- Wait.
Mindy, Jodi, Claire, Virginia.
Sugar, I was wondering if
you would perhaps honor me.
I'll see you this week, Martin.
Thank you.
Hey, the heart wants whatever
pasty, bespectacled thing
the heart wants and
don't you look so smug
because you know
what our next mission is,
getting you your first date.
That's me.
I'll see you this week?
That's my driver.
Spill it.
What are you doing next year?
Little of this, little of that.
I'm just gonna see
where the wind takes me.
That girl's going into the CIA.
No doubt.
You ready, Dolores?
Don't even.
That woman birthed me.
She can call me whatever she wants.
- No problem, Dolores.
- Hey.
Pound it, Dolores.
We'll see you this summer,
Dolores, yeah?
We miss you already, Dolores!
Love you, Dolores!
Really strong pound, Dolores.
So Martin and Dolores.
Weird, right?
Who'd have thunk it?
- We gotta...
- Oh!
I almost forgot.
Open it.
One economy class train ticket
from Boston to New York City.
Next year is going to be epic.
Next year?
We still got the summer.
Summer go to my place.
Oh you know it, whoo!
'Cause I know you
Oh it's been a week
since I fell apart
They say it's getting better
But if this is the end,
then when was the start?
They say it's getting better
Oh it's been a week
since I fell apart
They say it's getting better
But if this is the end,
then when was the start?
I can feel it in my bones
Oh the sanity is on the line
Well I should've gone,
I should've known
That you're out of sight,
out of mind
But I can't afford to lose the spot
Or you're keeping me all in the dark
Now I'm fading like a photograph
And I'm scared that
you're all I have
'Cause I know you
Oh it's been a week
since I fell apart
They say it's getting better
But if this is the end,
then when was the start?
They say it's getting better
They say it's getting better oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
They say it's getting better oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
'Cause I know you
But do you know me?
'Cause I know you
Oh it's been a week
since I fell apart
They say it's getting better
But if this is the end,
then when was the start?
They say it's getting better
They say it's getting better oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
'Cause I know you
Oh it's been a week
since I fell apart
They say it's getting better
But if this is the end,
then when was the start?
They say it's getting better oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
'Cause I know you
I know, I know, I know
But do you know me?