The Package (2018) Movie Script
Nice!
I love this belt.
Only 30 minutes more TV. Okay, hon?
This lamp. Sweet. Oh.
Donnie's gonna be here any minute.
Yeah. Whoa.
Welcome home, Sean Floyd.
All right, Donnie's here.
See you guys tomorrow.
All right, honey.
- Have fun camping, kiddo.
- Bye!
Oh, yeah. Ah, Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Ooh.
Holy shit.
- What is this?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God.
- Work!
- Just walk over, hit the button on the TV.
- What are they doing?
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
What are you doing?
Dude, what are you doing?
Are you serious?
Sean Floyd, back on American soil
for one week only!
Dude, turn that off.
My little brother is crying in there.
That's crazy porn.
She's a big girl.
What are you wearing?
They're my hiking shorts.
Why do those cover your belly button
but not your balls?
What's that on your face?
You spilled something on your face.
It looks like you drank a glass
of Ed Sheeran's pubes.
In fact, the '80s nostalgia wave
we're living in,it's about to crest.
When it does, I'm gonna be swimming
in puss. Know why?
Are you growing a Narcos coke 'stache?
I am growing a Narcos coke 'stache,
my friend.
- You're growing a coke 'stache.
- Mm-hmm.
Donnie Escobar, right here.
- Wow.
- That's right.
How you doing, pal?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Glad to have you back.
Ah, it's good to be back and...
Oh, we're hugging.
Oh, hey, dudes.
'Sup, Virgin Megastore?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, Mrs. Abelar.
- Hey.
Hi.
Jeremy,
what are you doing over there?
Jeremy!
I can see
you are jerking off the walking stick!
Mom, I'm packing.
Your dad and I are leaving in an hour,
and I want you out of here ASAP.
Okay, I'm going!
Oh, God, I so need this vacation.
Six hours,
I'll be in Napa with a Zinfandel.
Bye, Mrs. Abelar.
Look who the fuck is back.
- What's up, man?
- What's up, man?
- Yo, you dogs ready to get...
- ...fucked up?
- Oh, yeah.
- Show him the ID.
It's a military ID.
1991, dude.
- What? You buy stuff with this?
- Fuck yeah, he does.
Jack Jessop reporting for booze.
You don't look like this guy.
This guy looks like a soldier.
You look like Pocahontas.
- No one says shit to an Army ranger.
- All right.
I found this outside the booth
at the gun and knife show
when I was picking up this bad boy.
Check it out. Check it out.
Huh?
- Whoa.
- Oh, shit.
Hoo-rah!
- Pretty tight, huh?
- Yeah, it's cool.
This is in case we run into any crazy shit
out in the woods.
- Like, fucking crazy shit! Shit. Fuck!
- Whoa, man!
- I'm... Sorry, dude.
- Come on, man.
I try to act like I'm riding a bike,
but I still got the training wheels on.
- You feel me?
- Yeah.
- Let's pack up the van.
- Let's do it!
- Yeah, let's just get out of here.
- Let's pack it up. Hit the road.
Why are there so many bags?
- What is all this shit?
- Oh!
Uh... Yeah,
there's a slight change of plans, dude.
It sucks total donkey dick.
- Stop going through my shit, perv.
- Sarah?
No. No. No!
No, no. No way.
No, no, no.
- For real?
- Why does this feel so awkward?
Jeremy, did you not tell them
that we were coming?
I was... I'm telling them now.
Like, they're learning of it right now.
- Are you kidding?
- They're coming.
Welcome back, Sean.
Hey! Hey, what's up?
- Do you not hug people anymore?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- They don't hug in Germany?
- Yeah.
Welcome back. I mean, I'm back.
You're not back.
I'm just back for the next week.
Hey, Sarah, what's up?
Were you really in Germany?
There was a rumor you were in rehab
for bath salts.
- Everyone's talking about it.
- What? No.
Nein! Nein!I was in Germany. Yeah.
Cool hiking gear.
Hmm? Oh. What?
- How'd that get tucked in?
- Stop!
- You're ruining my bra!
- I don't care.
This shit's expensive. Stop!
Jeremy said we're going six miles
into the woods.
Yeah!
Yeah. I'm glad you're coming, though.
It's gonna be worth it
when you see metwerking
with Mother Nature.
Are you gonna be twerking
against a tree or...
- How does that work?
- I don't know.
Excuse me!
This is supposed to be a bros trip.
So I need a group meeting. Now! Sean!
- Sounds mad. Yeah.
- I gotta go. Um...
Bye.
Hey, did you guys know that people think
I've been in rehab?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's some bullshit rumor,
dude. Forget about it.
Look, I'm feeling fucking betrayed
with you, J-Tron.
Chad and my sister broke up yesterday,
so she bailed on Cancun
with his family.
- That's fine.
- Oh, what? They broke up?
- That sucks.
- Yeah, she found out he cheated on her...
I don't care what happened.
I'm not going camping with my ex
this weekend.
Wait,
I thought you guys were never "official."
Yeah, that's one of our many disputes.
Thank you, Sean.
Spring break. Indigonanza...
- is about bros. Bonding.
- Uh-huh.
Ceremoniously drinking
a bottle of Indigo Caribbean Spiced Rum
in 48 hours.
- That's the tradition.
- This is true.
Plus, we only have Sean for one week
before he goes back to dipping his balls
in sauerkraut
for the rest of the school year.
That's not something we do.
All right.
This is shitty for me too, okay?
My girlfriend freaked out
when she found out
ladies were coming
and I didn't invite her.
How many times do I have to tellyou?
You're being catfished.
Her name is Kendall Jenners.
With an S.
- Not real.
- That's her name, okay?
She's real, all right?
We're gonna meet this summer
at theater camp and we're gonna have sex.
Hey, actually, that reminds me, Sean.
This weekend might actually be your chance
to bang my sister.
- Whoa, whoa!
- What the fuck?
She's my twin sister, okay?
We have this special connection thing.
If she's having sex,
it's like if I'm having sex.
- Dude, that's gro... Don't say that! Now...
- Why not?
Why would you not want me to feel sex?
Sex is great.
It's your fucking twin.
Don't be disgust...
- Jesus Christ!
- Stop pouting in there, cheddar bush.
It's gonna be like this
the whole fucking time.
Scared me.
Here we go.
- Bye!
- Bye, Mrs. Abelar.
- Bye!
- Fuck you, Mrs. Abelar.
Don't say "fuck you" to my mom, man.
- We say "fuck you" to Mom all the time.
- Well, yeah, but she's, like, our mom.
I just don't think any Abelar woman
should be disrespected
like that.
Yeah.
Ah, they're good kids.
- They're nightmares.
- I know, hon. Let's go.
- They're my suicidal nightmares.
- I know, I know.
Hey, um,
I'm really sorry about Chad.
Thanks.
So, do you guys keep in touch at all?
Or...
Oh, well, we broke up 17 hours ago.
So...
I'll keep you posted.
Hey!
Are you going to the Sadie Hawkins dance?
Oh, wow, really?
You know what, Sarah?
I'm gonna have to think about it,
but thank you for asking.
Actually, I just wanted to warn
whoever you end up going with
that you shart during blow jobs.
- That happened one time!
- Happened two times.
You said you'd never...
Dog, you sharted mid-beej?
All right. Stay in the van.
Be cool. I got this.
Hoo-rah!
What's up?
You got ID?
Blammo!
Hmm... Ranger, huh?
$47.65.
Military discount.
- Stop. Wipe it on your dirty butt.
- No! Not on my... Ah! Not on my butt!
Know what? Just keep the change.
You have a great day. No receipt. Heh.
That's not funny, man.
Yeah, you're great.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put it in there.
All right, guys. Let's getthese
Snow Mates ready for their cover shoot.
Ow.
Jeremy, where are you taking us?
We're going deep
into Mother Nature's puss...
all the way up past the ovaries.
Whoo!
Kendall gets so wet for this shit.
I'm sure that he does.
Oh, this is it, dogs.
This is base camp.
Fucking finally! Jesus Christ.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go. Oh, what the fuck?
Fuck Chad, right?
Uh, yeah.
High school relationships are bullshit,
anyway.
I just feel really embarrassed.
Yeah.
But what if you tried to just...
you know, do something
to take your mind off of it a little bit?
You could hook up with Sean.
Come on, it might be fun just to hook up
with someone that's nice for a change.
Plus, you've always kind of liked him,
and he got kind of hot in Germany.
I wouldn't say "hot."
I feel
like he finished going through puberty.
- You're blowing it with Becky.
- Man, they just broke up.
This is the Rent cast party
all over again.
This is not like the Rent cast party.
Okay? It's not like that.
Remember what happened
at the Rent cast party?
You sat on the couch
sipping your Mike's Hard.
Her hand on your thigh.
You were on the couch
and you squeezed his thigh.
Then I asked if he wanted to go smoke
on the roof.
Wait, yeah, what did he say again?
I told her that I passed on grass.
Which doesn't make any sense
because we smoke literally all the time.
They literally smoke all the time.
And you sat there watching as she left.
I just got up and left.
I told you that I couldn't stand up
because...
- Maybe he just had a boner.
- I had a boner.
Oh, ew.
Who gets a boner
from someone touching their thigh?
You're being cock blocked, literally,
by your own cock.
I don't know, man. I can't control it.
She then goes upstairs,
makes out with Chad,
and they've been fucking dating
till this moment.
The Rent cast party?
That was your chance to be with Becky,
and you blew it.
- Yeah, Donnie's right.
- Thank you.
Musical theater's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
That's why me and Kendall are composing
an R-rated musical
based on the songs of Britney Spears.
Dude, get this, all right? It's called
Blonde to Bald to Back Again.
Shit is gonna be so fucking tight, dude.
I can't wait.
I mean, you remember Christmas Eve, right?
When I sang Kendall
my "Oops! I Did It Again" solo?
Dude, I had to Urban Dictionary the shit
she said she was gonna do to my body.
Oh, dude, I almost forgot.
I got you something, dude.
It's for you and Becks.
It glows in the dark and shit.
What? "The Fuck King Condom"?
Yeah. King of fucking, dude.
Or you can go raw, dog.
I mean, I'm down to be an uncle.
Stop it
with the fucking your sister stuff.
As weird as this fucking guy is,
he's right about one thing.
Becky's always had a thing for you.
No, that's 100% conjecture.
I don't know.
I'm slow-playing it, okay?
You're no-playing it.
Be her rebound, okay?
Take off your practice sweats
and crash the fucking boards.
- Yeah.
- Play dirty.
You think I didn't throw a few 'bows
to get where I am with Sarah?
What?
Where do you think you are with Sarah?
You guys hate each other.
Donnie?
Drink up, bitch.
Oh!
- Snap.
- Fuck!
What was that?
Oh!
Why?
Fuck!
Well, nature's great,
but it's still spring break.
And I'm ready to rage.
Let the games begin.
Actually, Sarah, this is a bros trip
that you're intruding on.
Indigonanza's our thing.
So I'm gonna be the one
who officially starts everything off.
Okay.
- Let...
- Indigonanza begin.
Okay. Let...
- Let Indigonanza begin.
- This is my thing.
Guys, it's important to him, so...
Let Indigonanza...
begin.
I liked it better when she said it.
I mean, look at him.
He's going to town
on that trail mix.
Do you still have your bong bear?
Yeah, I do.
Get over there and make a move.
You should fuck my sister.
- I'm gonna piss.
- Thanks for letting me know.
- Go get 'em.
- Okay.
- Nice ass.
- Okay. Fine.
Hey!
- Quit hogging that trail mix.
- Okay.
- Oh...
- Coming in.
- Beep, beep, beep.
- No, that's enough. Thank you.
Uh, so did you hear about the...
the bear thing?
- No.
- Yeah.
Here's one right now. Oh!
- Whoa! What?
- What?
- It's just a... It's a bong bear.
- The bear bong.
Bear bong!
Hey, if you wanted, we could...
we could go hot box the tent later.
We could do that.
- I'm free now.
- You're free?
Uh, that's kind of perfect,
'cause I'm free.
Yeah, our schedules lined up perfectly.
- Uh, let's go now.
- Okay!
- Here we go.
- Cool.
Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
Jeremy's talking to himself.
We gotta fuck with him.
We gotta go.
We gotta go right now. Let's go.
Sorry.
Bye.
This knife is so sharp,
it can cut piss.
Oh, what's that?
- Are you pissing on this endangered fern?
- What the fuck is he doing?
Oh, shit, it's an anthill.
I'd better get 'em.
Let's get him.
- We approach a wild teen.
- You're dead!
- Oh, shit. I think I cut myself.
- Did you... Did you just...
Oh, no!
Why... why are you looking down there?
Keep your eyes above... No.
What are you doing?
That's not okay. That's...
Where'd my dick go?
Did you see my dick, Sean?
Sean, you didn't it?
What about you, Donnie?
Did you see my dick?
What is... What is happening?
- I just cut off my dick.
- Jeremy, is this a fucking prank?
Don't be stupid.
Come on, show me your dick.
I cut off my dick, Becky!
I cut my dick off!
- Oh, my God, it's not a prank.
- Help! Help him!
I don't think it'll be okay.
You'll be fine, man.
We'll lay you down.
Come on.
Here we go. Put this under his head.
Shit. That's a lot of blood,goddammit!
That's a lot of blood.
- I'm gonna fucking die.
- Jeremy's gonna die.
We can all stand here and have a meltdown
or we can get our shit together
and save Jeremy.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!
- We need to call 911, now.
- Yeah, get our phones.
- Kendall... theater camp.
- My phone's in the van.
- Don't die.
- Fuck. I don't have any service. Do you?
- I don't.
- Fuck. Me neither.
- I got nothing.
- Fuck. You don't have service?
Just...
Oh, give me one second to think.
Okay. I'm going to the top of the ridge.
Give me your phones.
Okay. One of them has to have service,
right?
- What's the passcodes?
- 3-5-3-2.
69-69, which is pretty ironic now.
- Mine's 0-0-4-7.
- 0-0-4-7.
- Go.
- What's your passcode, Donnie?
- All ones, dude. All ones.
- Okay.
Guys! Hey, guys, in times like these,
we... we gotta... Fucking...
- Just go!
- Get out of here!
- Yeah, I'm going!
- Oh, my God. Okay, Jeremy.
Someone...
Someone needs to find the... penis.
- Get my penis.
- Okay.
- Get my penis.
- Yeah.
Dude, I'm gonna get your fucking peen.
I'm taking this. I'm getting a flashlight.
- I'm gonna go with Donnie.
- Yeah, I'll stay with Jeremy.
- It's gonna be okay, right? All good?
- It's gonna be okay. Yeah.
You're gonna get my dick.
I'm gonna get my dick back.
Yeah, we're gonna find it.
Just for scale, what am I looking for?
Like half this? A... a quarter?
I'm not gonna tell her how big my dick is.
I'm gonna take it as a quarter.
If this doesn't work out, Becky,
- I'm gonna be your sister now.
- Okay.
- You already have the hair for it.
- Yeah.
Hey! That is a cliff.
All right. Okay.
Nope. All right, come on.
Crap. No, come on! Come on!
Come on! Bars! Bars! We got bars!
We got bars. Oh, baby mama.
All right. I can hear you now.
Fuck yeah.
911, what's your emergency?
Hello! Hello! Hello!
911. I have a medical emergency.
I need a medevac pronto.
My friend has lost his penis.
He cut it off. I think it was an accident.
Okay.
Okay. Come on. Okay.
Fuck.
Shit!
- If I was a dick, where would I be?
- You are a dick. That shouldn't be hard.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Found it!
Where?
Oh.
It's a pine cone.
It's gotta be here somewhere.
I mean,
how fucking far could this dick fly?
It could be anywhere
within a thousand-foot radius.
Okay, sir,
I'm triangulating your current location.
Uh...
"Hey, babe, I'm sorry I was an idiot.
Where are you?"
"I bailed on Cancun.
Are you at your house?"
- Oh, come on.
- We're sending a medevac helicopter.
Okay, yes. Thank you.
"I want to make this work. I miss you.
You're the shit."
Crash the boards, Sean.
Fuck Chad, man. Fuck you.
You're a...
dirty taint.
Fuck, yeah.
Shit.
Send.
Fucking send.
- Send it. Come on.
- Did you get a signal?
- Oh!
- Sean?
Please tell me that wasn't all the phones.
No, no.
- I mean, yes, it was...
- It was.
...all the phones.
But, hey, hey, I called 911.
I talked to them. They're gonna send
a medevac in 30 minutes.
- So... So that's good!
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Let's go. Let's go.
That's... All right.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait! Whoa!
It's a fucking mushroom, dude.
- Everything looks like a dick at night!
- What is that?
Hmm?
Is that a piece of coyote scat?
Are there coyotes here?
That's not shit.
What do you mean?
That's Jeremy's dick.
Oh, my God.
Damn it.
I'm gonna get some sticks
to pick that up with.
The medevac's on its way.
We got the dick!
- Yes.
- And Sarah puked on it.
- Donnie!
- Sean lost the phones.
What?
First my dick, and now my 7, Sean!
Is my pee-pee okay?
- Okay. We gotta keep this warm.
- Okay.
Where is it? I wanna see it. Where...
Warm it up, baby. Come on.
- Whoa!
- What are you doing?
I'm keeping the capillaries open.
Stop yelling at me.
You gotta put that on ice!
I don't know.
They don't teach you this in health class.
My dick is on a stick!
- Gotta put it on some ice.
- Ice, ice!
Ew!
Do you think the helicopter
is gonna find us?
I hope so.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.
Is this normal?
It's from his Britney Spears musical
he's writing with his fake girlfriend.
Over here! Come on! Hey!
- Wait. Where are you going?
- Hey!
Oh, my God. It didn't see us.
It didn't see us.
Okay.
- This. This'll get their attention.
- What are you doing?
Fuck this! Everybody run.
- What? Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
What? Yo! Yo!
Get your head down, Jeremy.
Fuck you, Donnie!
Oh... Okay.
Guys?
- What the fuck?
- Guys!
Seriously?
Wow, Donnie, I am so impressed.
This is some of your best work.
Becky! Becky!
- What the fuck!
- Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Damn, that was dope.
- You okay?
- No.
Holy shit. That was crazy.
Oh, hey! It worked! Hey, we're here!
- Let's get the dick. I got it. Let's go.
- Let's go, Jeremy.
Oh, hey!
Hey, guys. Come on!
- Hey, look! Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hi.
Hey!
We'll get him to East General Hospital,
ASAP.
As long as it's within twelve hours,
a severed member can still be reattached.
- Yes!
- Okay, thank you.
Your friends did a good job.
You're gonna be okay.
Thank you!
Whose idea was it
to set off the fireball?
That was all me, dude.
You're a fucking idiot!
We saw you guys on our initial approach.
Hike down to your car
and you can meet him at the hospital.
Okay. Okay, okay. Hey.
You're gonna be okay. Yeah.
We're gonna see you at the hospital, okay?
Becky, you need to shut the fuck up.
You're wasting time. We gotta go.
Okay, yeah! Yeah!
- He's not gonna die!
- He's gonna be fine.
Stay strong, Jeremy!
Bye, Jeremy.
Look. He's reverse-Terminator- ing.
That's epic.
Okay. He's gonna be okay.
Oh, my God. Thank God.
- He's good.
- He's good.
Whoo!
- He really lost a lot of blood.
- Yeah, man, I'm covered.
Can I propose a little toast
to the first responders?
- Yes.
- May the heroes that...
- Guys?
- What?
- What?
- Guys!
What? Ah!
- What is it?
- What?
Sean?
You gave the EMT the wrong cooler?
No! No, no. No way.
- Wait. Wait, we have the dick!
- Donnie, no!
- Wait! Come back!
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
- The ice...
We have my brother's dick.
With no ice and no phones.
- We have 12 hours, right?
- Yeah, I think the EMT meant if it's,
you know, on ice.
Oh, shit! Oh, wait. They... they...
They also told us to hike down.
They probably don't think
we're here anymore.
Shit. Look, I'm willing to wait and see.
But by that time,
Jeremy's dick is gonna be rotten
and have flies on it...
No, no, no, no, we can't freak out.
Don't freak out.
We'll hike down.
We'll... We'll find someone with ice
or a phone along the way.
And worst case,
we'll be back in the parking lot
in, like, six or seven hours.
This is gonna work.
Yeah, okay, Becky's right.
Let's do this.
This is gonna work.
That's a good plan.
Okay, let's leave our shit.
We'll move faster.
- Okay. It's gonna be a long way.
- Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Hey, stay with us.
Don't head for the light!
Hang in there, buddy.
We got a male. Severed penis.
Cut clean to the base.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
There's no penis.
It's just two cans of Flittson.
My dick isn't in there?
Just cans. There's literally no penis.
It's just two cans of beer.
You guys, where's my dick?
I don't think this is a good plan.
I told Becky it was. We've been hiking
for over an hour, and there's no one.
Of course it's not a good plan.
There are no good plans in this situation.
Look, um...
- Dude.
- What?
- Uh, he texted her.
- Who texted her?
- Chad.
- What?
When I was calling 911
from Becky's phone,
Chad texted,
and said he wants
to get back together.
- Rent cast party, man.
- Yeah, I, um...
Oh, man, I think I fucked up.
I, like,
I think I texted him back as her.
Whoa. That is epic.
What did you say?
I said, "Fuck you,"
and then I called him a dirty taint.
Guys! Guys?
We're gonna stop and pee really quick.
Ginger Pablo Escobar,
please keep your eyes downhill.
Ha! Hope you pee on your shoes.
People are noticing.
It still looks like you blew
Chester Cheetah.
- Oh, shit!
- What?
- Is Donnie coming to perv on me?
- No.
Hey, Sean!
Sean, there's a ranger lookout station.
They might have ice.
Hey, that's good.
That's awesome. Let's go.
Let's go!
Hello?
- Hello, anybody?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
We need some help! It's an emergency!
- Excuse me?
- Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody home?
Seems like we have to break into
this bitch.
What? We're not doing that.
I don't know.
This is government property.
I feel like it would be...
a bad idea.
Damn.
But, yeah, you know,
this is a time-sensitive case
so it's a good call. It's a good call.
Mm, it's empty.
Great.
Please have ice.Please have ice.
Oh, dude. No, close that.
Well maybe there's still a phone
or radio or something, right?
- Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- No, no, no.
I think the rattlesnake bit the dick.
Oh, my God. A snake bit the dick?
We have to get the venom out somehow.
- Yeah. How do we do that?
- We have to get it out.
Maybe if we shake it a lot,
the venom will pour out.
No, we have to, uh...
Someone has to suck it out.
It seems only fair that the person who's
had that dick in their mouth do it.
Donnie,
what the fuck are you talking about?
- I'm obviously referring to Becky.
- What?
You guys shared a womb together,
so obviously at some point in the dark...
- that dick went in your mouth.
- This idiot.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Fumbling around.
Donnie, I didn't suck his fetus penis
when I was in the womb.
I am his sister.
I am obviously the last person
to suck the dick.
- You're sucking before I do.
- I'm sucking...
I am not sucking my brother's dick.
End of story.
The women should suck the dick.
We don't even know how.
It's not even the same kind of sucking,
you stupid idiot.
- I am not going to do it!
- You should. This is your fault.
- Yeah, you should.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll suck it!
I will suck the dick.
I lost the phones.
I gave them the wrong cooler.
I'll suck the penis.
- It's really cool of you. Thanks.
- Yeah.
Just, uh...
I'd like to do it...
alone.
Yeah, you got it.
- I'll tell your story.
- Okay.
You're a hero.
Yup.
You da man.
Thanks.
Man, we came all the way up here
for nothing.
I really fucked this up. I'm sorry.
What now? We're just gonna run down
this mountain and pray that J-Tron's D
doesn't fester before the car?
We've only been hiking for three hours.
That means we still have nine hours.
That was before it got bit by a snake.
You guys hear that?
Dude, look!
A drone?
Wait a minute. Wait.
If there's a drone,
that means there's a person,
and they probably have a phone.
We should... We should follow it.
Let's go get Sean.
Sean! Sean, there's a drone... Oh!
- Don't look at me!
- Sorry. Sorry.
Uh, it's just... There's a drone,
so there's people, and we need to go now.
Oh, my God. That's great. Okay. Um...
- Just... Stop looking.
- One second. I gotta...
I'm getting a lot of venom
out of this thing.
Hey!
Come here!
There. Get it.
Stop!
- Where'd it go?
- Does anybody see it?
Oh! There it goes.
I got this shit.
- Sarah!
- Oh, shit!
Fuck!
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- Fuck!
I got it!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, totally!
- There are people there. They have a boat.
- Nice!
Watch this.
Let's get wet!
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
- Holy fuck.
- Whoo!
Yeah!
- That was pretty cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah. It looks easy.
He made it look easy!
- Yeah. Do... do you wanna go next?
- Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. No, I'll go.
Hey, I get the feeling
that you maybe don't wanna jump.
So, uh, we can try to find
a way to hike down.
- No, I wanna... I want to go.
- Okay.
Es geht um die Wurst, ja?
Which means "it's do or die" in German.
Actually,
the literal German translation is,
"it's all about sausage," which is funny...
Are you making a dick joke right now?
We, like, gotta go.
Yeah. Obviously. Yeah, okay. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
I'm not gonna take the long way,
I'm gonna take the Sean way, huh?
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!
- Fuck! Oh, fuck.
- Oh!
Yeah!
I'm good! I'm good! Whoo!
So, the "Sean way" is going for
the maximum amount of pain
you can inflict on your body?
No, no.
Honestly, it didn't hurt that much.
It was actually really fun.
I actually... It was a fun ride.
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Dude, uh, your back is like...
red raw.
Oh my... Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck me.
You guys, look.
Huh?
Oh! That's so dumb.
They fucking came back.
And we're not there. That's awesome.
Ow!
- Damn it!
- All right, man! Jesus. We're all mad.
No, the wind blew against my back.
It's okay. I'm fine.
What?
You guys, come on. Let's...
Let's just keep going.
- The helicopter went back to the campsite.
- Yes.
- But your friends weren't there.
- No.
So, the doctor's gonna need to operate
before this gets infected.
Okay. No, my friends,
they'll... they'll get me my penis back.
I know they will.
Okay, I know they will, too.
If they don't, though, you'll be fine.
We can do a full penal reconstruction
using a graft from your forearm or glute.
The results are fantastic.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
In addition to increased self-esteem,
most patients report
successful ejaculation
in ten percent of sexual encounters.
On a pleasure scale,
we're hitting mid-to high-threes.
Is that good?
Those numbers sound bad.
Well, in comparison
with not having a penis,
I think those numbers sound great.
Okay. I will wait for my dick.
I have a strong dick.
I know it'll last days out in the wild.
No.
Everyone thinks their penis is special.
It's not.
Okay? It's like one of these flowers.
Right?
If you remove it from the body,
cut off its flow of blood,
and then eventually,
if left on its own, it will wilt...
and die.
HBO's on Channel 3.
Come on, guys.
I know you're doing whatever it takes
to get here as fast as you can.
Hey, Becky!
Hey, don't beat yourself up
over the helicopter.
I think you're doing great.
I've always thought you were really great.
Uh, are you forgetting the time
you totally rejected me?
That never happened.
I don't remember that happening.
Come on.
Remember the Rent cast party?
- Kinda made a move.
- I... might remember.
I had a momentary crush on you.
- You had a crush on me?
- I just thought...
Sean, emergency bro discussion.
- One sec, man.
- 911, Sean.
- You better go. Sounds very important.
- Sorry.
Sean, Sean, you are not gonna believe
what I found in the woods.
Wait till you feast your eyes on these.
What are those? Why do you have those?
When Sarah went behind that big bush
to dry off or whatever,
I went after her, 'cause I needed to pee.
Okay, I find those waiting on a rock.
For me.
Knew she came to win me back.
What? Maybe she just didn't want to wear
wet underwear, you psychopath.
That's like serial killer behavior.
Okay, these are a sign.
She wants us to be together.
And you know what, Sean?
I'll tell you the truth.
I'm ready to forgive her.
Forgive her for what?
Over Christmas break, usual spot,
abandoned church
my grandma used to take me to.
Before we start hooking up,
I throw around I want a DTR.
- She freaks out.
- DTR?
You said you wanted dick to rim?
No. What?
I wanted to "define the relationship."
- What the fuck is dick to rim?
- I don't know. Butt stuff.
What has happened to you in Germany?
Anyway, I tell her I wanna DTR.
And she's all like,
"Relationships are bullshit."
Then I feel like an idiot.
I don't know what to do.
So I kick her out of a car...
may or may not have been moving.
- Wow, that's really mean.
- I also told her...
um, that I never liked her.
- Wow, man.
- And she was gaining weight.
Sean! This is a power play.
She wants me back.
Come on, Donnie.
The camp's around this bend.
- Hi! Hello. Hey, bud!
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, there.
- Hey, hi.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
- Hey.
I believe this belongs to you.
And I believe you're the bitch
that fucked it up!
- What now?
- Whoa.
You better have cash to pay for this.
Okay, uh, where are your parents?
My dad went fly-fishing.
What about the boat? Where are the keys?
Because we're in an emergency,
and we need some help.
All right. If I'm gonna give you the keys,
then I wanna see some stuff.
Okay.
- No. Ugh.
- We are not going to show you our boobs.
Bitch, please!
I'm 11, not five.
I've seen thousands of titties.
I wanna see you two scissor.
- Yeah!
- Oh!
- Take that, you little perv. Gross.
- That is inappropriate.
I'm not helping you with shit!
Stay the fuck away from me!
- Kid's a monster.
- Jesus Christ.
I kind of love him, though.
Okay, if we're not outta here in,
like, an hour
- Jeremy will be dickless...
- The rest of his life.
That's decades with no dick.
No. We need that boat.
Fuck this little baby Bieber wannabe.
What are you doing?
Listen here, you little terrorist.
This is my brother's dick.
He's in the hospital right now,
and he needs us.
We need your boat so we can get
to the hospital to reattach it.
Listen, kid, when we're around,
dicks get cut and dicks get sucked.
I saw him suck this dick.
I sucked that dick this morning.
Now, give us the keys.
Yes!
All right. Tell your dad the boat's
gonna be at the south campground lot.
Jesus, Sean,
that dick really fucked him up.
He hasn't said a word
since you showed him the dick.
What if he never talks again?
- Whatever. Fuck this kid.
- The worst.
Piece of shit, anyway.
Hey, buddy.
Son are... Are you okay?
Dicks get cut.
Dicks get sucked.
- All right. I got you.
- Okay.
Good God. Hey!
- Hey!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! Go!
- Guys, we gotta go!
- Go! Shit! There's too many keys.
- I'm getting the anchor.
Hello, sir, I can completely explain
what's going on here.
What have you done to my son?
It's a good thing you're...
Okay, fuck this.
I'll kill all of you perverts!
Hey, he has a bruise. Leave him alone.
You're a fucker!
Hit me again. I fucking dare you!
Oh, my God. Ugh. Go.
Let's go! Come on! Move!
I got it!
I'm gonna kill you, son of a bitch.
Back the fuck up!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God. It's slipping, guys!
Shit! He's Cliffhanger- ing!
Oh, hold it, Sean.
Fucker!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
- I got it.
- Fucker!
- Auf Wiedersehen!
Hey! That's my boat!
Come back with my boat!
- Holy shit.
- Whoo!
That was insane.
- That guy tried to murder us.
- Yeah. He was crazy.
I mean, in all fairness,
he probably thought we molested his kid.
I shouldn't have said,
"Dicks get cut and dicks get sucked."
That was too much.
Nice going, pinch hit.
Yeah, thanks.
I learned from the best.
When you nailed me in the head
with a beer can.
Oh, yeah. That was awesome.
By the way, I got your sign and...
message received.
- My sign?
- Yeah.
Look familiar?
If I'm wearing your underwear,
that means you're not wearing any.
Those aren't my underwear.
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Man, that's gross.
- Okay, don't tell anyone.
- I...
I really appreciate that you tried.
I think we're actually gonna make it
to the hospital in time.
- We're a good team.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Time to cooler it up. Whoo!
Let's find Jeremy
and get some ice.
- Get that dick to the hospital!
- God! Donnie!
Oh, my God.
It's all crumbed. Like a churro.
- Oh, my God. We made it!
- Let's go get some ice.
Yes!
Let's go! Let's go!
I have read the literature,
and I've come to the conclusion
that I do not fucking want this, okay?
- I don't want a butt dick.
- Hey!
Don't you yell at me. I'm not the one
who got drunk and... Pfft.
Ob... Obviously, you don't have a dick.
No, I don't have a dick!
No one in this room has a dick.
Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's hope they're on their way.
Think we should call
your parents?
What's your mom's number?
Uh, it's... Uh...
I don't know it.
- At all? No?
- No. Mm-mm.
I don't know. I just programmed them
into my first phone. I was 11.
We can maybe check if they left a message
on your phone.
Don't leave a message, just text me.
You have one new message.
Fuck you, Becky.
You're the taint.
- Is that Chad?
- You hear me?
- Um...
- You're the real taint.
I'm glad this is over.
You deserve to be alone.
I want you to take that note I wrote you
our four-month anniversary and burn it.
I don't mean any of that anymore.
Ah!
You made me so mad,
I dropped my vape!
You owe me a new vape, Becky.
You hurt my feelings, dawg.
Becky, um,
I have to tell you something.
When... Um...
- I'm really sorry, but...
- What? No, no. It's not your fault.
It's just really fucked up
how someone you thought cared
about you can lie to your face.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Damn.
Girl, you are a really good driver.
- Thanks.
- God.
You're like a young Furiosa.
All right, man, we gotta get this dick
on life support.
- We need bags and ice.
- Oh, my God, dude.
This looks like a cat shat in a cooler.
- Oh, shit.
- Ugh.
Should we... Should we clean it?
I'm fucked if I know.
What do you even clean a dick with?
Doxycycline.
Or a Z-Pak.
I've had everything in the book.
It works. Trust me.
Which one of you's is it? You?
You?
Or is it the ranger?
Yeah, actually it is for the...
the young, uh, ranger.
We need stuff to clean his wound.
A wounded soldier?
Um... We need to clean his, uh...
Penis.
Three inches. Severed at the base.
I've seen this before.
You have?
It would be my honor and a privilege
if I could do this for you.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
Let's do it!
All right, let's go.
He's been in this situation.
If we're gonna trust someone,
it might as well be this guy.
Whoa, whoopsie.
His dick's gonna be even better.
Wow.
Fresh ice. Good as new.
Oh, wow.
That is amazing.
Yup.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Good luck, soldiers.
- Hey, yeah.
- Oh, hey.
If you need anything, this is my card.
- Let your sergeant know what happened.
- Absolutely. Will do.
Yeah. What the hell's that?
It's just my wallet.
- Ow!
- Crestview High School.
Junior.
The hell's going on here?
It's just a really old high school ID.
Says it's from this year.
- Does it? Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Fuck.
Did you boys lie about being servicemen
so you could buy alcohol?
No. No, absolutely not.
There is no way we would ever lie. It's...
Our... Our friend Jeremy, he lied.
You mean,
I just cleaned a civilian dick?
- I am so, so sorry.
- Stay cool, man.
- Get the hell over here!
- Fuck.
- Go, dude! Go!
- Come back here.
We have got to go!
He looks mad!
- Go!
- Oh, come on. Okay.
- Here it is! Unlock!
- Unlock the door, Becky.
- I'm pressing unlock.
- Open the door.
Shit! He's got a fucking bow and arrow!
Go!
The only dicks that I touch
are mine and my husband's.
Go! Shit!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Hey!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
- That was crazy.
- God.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Guys, we made it.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Fuck you!
Yeah, fuck you!
- Holy fuck! Are you okay?
- Ow...
You look okay.
Looks like just the tip went in.
Come on, Donnie. You love just the tip.
Fuck, that's really funny,
but not right now.
Did you say Kendall Jenners? With an S?
We're supposed to meet
for the first time this summer.
That name is like Catfishing 101.
Why does everyone say that?
She likes to text.
She doesn't like talking.
That is definitely a catfish.
Okay, look. Anyway, if I'm gonna die,
I need her to know...
that I love her.
You're not gonna die.
You just won't have a penis.
I'd rather die than not have my penis.
We've waited all day.
It's been almost 12 hours.
We haven't heard anything
from your friends.
- Yeah, but there's still time.
- Nah.
Look at the flower. Look.
It still has most of its petals.
What? No. Dude... The flower...
that was an example.
Did you think that that flower
was magically linked to your penis?
This isn't Beauty and the Beast.
But me and my friends are fucking idiots.
They're gonna need more time.
Honestly, it's not looking good.
So, let's just hope your friends
are arriving right now.
Hi! Hi! We're here for Jeremy Abelar.
We have a... a special delivery.
Uh, one moment.
- Abelar? Abelar.
- Abelar. Yes.
A-B-Oh... Ooh...
I just gotta go back here.
That's it.
Ah! Yep.
Ah, we don't have a patient
under that name.
Uh, the helicopter EMT said
they would be bringing him here.
I don't know what to tell you.
He's not here.
They sometimes reroute medevacs.
I'd try Clarkson Memorial.
They have a helipad.
Fu...
...ck!
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Everybody, listen up!
There is a penis in this cooler!
Are we in the right place or what?
Is that the penis?
- Yes! Yes!
- Thank God. Yes.
Oh! We didn't think you guys
were gonna make it.
The penis is here!
Page the anesthesiologist.
I want to get into surgery immediately.
- Yes!
- Hey!
You guys did good.
Ooh! Also, it got bit by a snake.
I sucked it pretty good,
but you should still check for venom.
Prep the OR!
Goddamn hero.
Yes!
- Yes! Oh, God.
- Ow! Oh, ow!
- Someone's thumb went in my hole.
- You okay?
You can scoot closer.
You're kind of far away.
Yeah.
Hey, thank you for your shirt, also,
by the way.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
- It's comfortable. It smells good.
- Looks great on you.
Thanks.
Hey, um, you know what? Uh...
Remember at the Rent cast party?
- Mm-hmm?
- I actually had a crush on you, too.
You... you did?
Yeah.
Yeah, also momentarily.
- Um...
- Right.
Yeah, I mean...
I don't know.
Wow, the Fuck King?
The Fuck... Are you the Fuck King?
Uh, no, that's not me.
I'm not the Fuck King.
- Just a fuck prince.
- I wouldn't even...
I think I'm more of a jester.
- You're a fuck jester.
- Yeah.
That's... that's more fun.
You wanted to use it at the hospital here?
Well... Um...
Jeremy actually gave itto me
to use with you.
- And I said, "That's crazy."
- That's really weird.
- I'm on the same page. It's weird.
- I'm his sister.
So it's not really mine.
- Ew! Ew!
- I know! I know!
- Why?
- Yeah.
- The Fuck King? Come on.
- I know. It's weird.
I mean, it's not like you still
have a crush on me.
Do you still have a crush on me?
- Excuse me.
- Wha...
Come with me.
The doctor would like to see you.
- Okay, yeah, great. Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
Um... Donnie. Hey.
The doctor wants to see us. Let's go.
- Okay.
- Were you just...
God damn.
- Sean. Let's go.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my...
Yeah, I'm on my way.
- What's your problem?
- Nothing.
I lost something. I can't remember...
if I...
- Sean, do you have a boner?
- I don't have a boner.
Just my back hurts, and...
So...
basically every time you touch Sean,
he gets a raging bonie.
See? I told you. You give him boners.
What?
I don't have a bonie.
Did you just fart?
No, it was the seat.
Oh, my God. Do you have the farts
and a boner?
- I don't have farts or a boner.
- One of those is a lie.
- Let's... You got it. You got it.
- Do you, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Shocking, man.
Thanks.
Good news. Surgery went perfectly.
Oh, my God.
Well, not perfectly.
But as good as we could have hoped.
We have a successful reattachment,
and your friend's gonna be fine.
What about the snake venom?
There was no venom in the penis.
Yeah, man. You sucked that shit out.
No.
- There was never any venom in the penis.
- Huh?
It's impossible to suck venom
out of a bite wound.
It was a defensive bite.
Whatever, man.
- Don't listen. He doesn't know shit.
- Yeah.
Right. I'm just a doctor.
Anyway, your friend whose dick you sucked
for no reason
is gonna be under a bit longer,
but you can go in and see him.
Sure he'd love to wake up
to some friendly faces.
Salty.
Here we go.
All right.
Let's do it.
Who's this?
Um, hi, excuse me. Nurse.
The doctor told us the wrong room.
We're looking for Jeremy Abelar.
Jeremy... Abelar.
No, we don't have a Jeremy Abelar
in recovery.
The doctor told us that he transferred
from surgery.
Let's make this simpler. It's the guy
that got his wiener reattached.
Yeah. That's him.Reginald Knudson.
- No, no, no.
- The other person for a severed penis.
Yeah.
If there was somebody else here
with a severed penis, trust me, I'd know.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If... if Jeremy's not here, then...
We gave someone else Jeremy's penis.
What?
That's our friend's dick?
That's our friend's dick.
- That's our friend's dick! Oh, my God.
- That right?
- What kind of fucking hospital is this?
- Security!
You have my friend's penis.
Hang on for one second.
It's a simple mistake.
It's an honest mistake, I'm sure.
But you guys have the wrong penis, okay?
You have the wrong penis and...
You all saw that!
You're witnesses!
- Are you okay?
- That's a felony!
All right, we need to figure out
if there's a head of the hospital
and explain the situation and see if...
And what?
They'll just grow him another dick
with their magic dick-making machine?
- I'm not just gonna give up.
- You have no idea where Jeremy is.
It's pretty obvious we're done.
That's awesome, Donnie.
Sarah, I'm sorry.
Can you tell your boyfriend or whatever
to stop throwing a little baby boy
tantrum right now.
Maybe I should be more like you.
Right? Manipulate things.
Make 'em go my way.
Like what you did with the medevac.
- Shut the fuck up.
- What are you talking about?
Uh, while your brother was lying there,
maybe about to die, uh...
Sean was pretending to be you
and texting Chad from your phone.
Sean.
Sea... Sean?
Are you serious?
- You...
- It was... It was an accident. I was...
How is texting my boyfriend
as me an accident?
You guys weren't even
technically together.
What? What? What did you say?
What did you say to him?
I said, "Fuck you. We're done."
And then I called him "dirty taint."
Wow.
- Yeah.
- Um, okay.
The... the voicemail?
The voicemail he sent me.
I, um... I need to... I need to go.
- I'm sorry. I need to borrow your phone.
- No. What the hell?
You do not want to fuck with me
right now!
Just messaging Chad
and telling him to pick me up.
Becky...
Of course, he's online. Okay.
He's coming to pick me up.
Thank you.
Sarah, let's go.
Becky! Becky!
Becky.
Use the twin connection.
Find me.
If you can hear me, please hurry up
and come and save me.
Becky!
Nope, it's me Darlene. Hello.
Um, so...
we got you an operating room.
I'm telling you, lady.
My friends are close.
And I'm telling you, it doesn't matter
if they're close.
By now, unless your penis somehow got
fresh, oxygenated blood in it,
it's dead.
No, no, no, no! Don't.
Oh, my God.
There's no point in waiting any longer
for trash to arrive.
Okay, fine.
Let's do the butt-skin dick.
A graft is no longer an option.
- What?
- Do you smell that?
You know we don't serve blue cheese
in the cafeteria, right?
That... that is...
That's your hole.
I'm sorry.
The anesthesiologist will be in shortly.
Wow. So this is really happening.
I can't believe I shat on your chances
with Becky.
Yeah, it's my own fault.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Uh, no.
Also, I'm really sorry I started the rumor
about you going to rehab for bath salts.
What? That was you?
I feel like we both now know
I have problems with abandonment.
- Yep.
- I can't believe
I found a dick in the sewer.
Believe it, young'un.
You just got your dick cherry popped.
Gonna need a new cooler.
- Fuck.
- Dude.
- Yo. Yo, yo, yo.
- They have the redneck's dick.
If...
we can get it to the doctor...
then the doctor can reattach it
and we can get Jeremy's penis back.
We haven't been good friends
to each other.
- I feel like I've been a good friend...
- But...
we can be best friends for Jeremy.
Let's do it.
Hey, man.
Who the hell are you?
- I said no visitors.
- Uh, I'm really sorry.
There's something that you should know
about...
your penis.
Er, I mean, it's not your penis...
You have our friend Jeremy's penis.
What the hell are you talking about?
- They put our friend's penis on you.
- Yes, they did.
Like, not like when I was out,
they put your friend's dick on my face...
I don't know, maybe that happened.
But then they sewed it on you.
You're gonna see right away
it's our friend Jeremy's penis.
Oh, my God.
That is not my dick.
That's not your dick.
It's what I said.
Why? Why? Why is it so ugly?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Where did they find this?
A little Navajo boy?
It's a normal-looking dick.
Once the swelling goes down,
it's gonna get smaller?
Are you fucking kidding me?
How am I supposed to work with this?
Ugh. You two again? Hey!
Am I gonna have to call security?
Oh, hey, it's Dr. Malpractice.
Guess what? You sewed the wrong dick
onto the wrong body.
If you don't want us to fuck
your world up, you listen.
Two water sanitation workers just came
into the hospital with his dick.
- What? My real penis is here?
- Yeah, man.
What we need you to do
is reattach 'em.
Guys...
You don't just pop 'em on and off.
It's a delicate operation.
It's not a fucking LEGO set.
That dick is staying on that body.
Are you trying to tell me
that I'mstuck with this...
- this thing?
- Hey, man.
That thing...
that fucking thing...
belonged to a goddamn majestic person.
And you need to respect
that you got a part of my friend
on you now forever.
Okay? You got a piece of Jeremy.
It's a good dick.
You need to honor that penis.
And bring it as much joy
as Jeremy brings us
every time you take it out.
Because it belonged to a great dude.
The best.
You guys seem like
some really good friends.
I wish I would have listened to my buddies
when they told me
that Cheryl was a psycho bitch.
Never would have let her tie me up.
I thought she just wanted to get freaky.
- Maybe do some butt stuff.
- That's awesome.
Anything goes, you know?
She put on her sexy little
Juicy Cooter slip.
Got my rod all hard.
Cool.
She started licking all up in my ear,
you know.
Saying sexy sweet nothings and whatnot.
And she leans in and she whispers...
"I know about you and my sister."
Yeah, and then she whips out
a pair of scissors... and bam!
She snips my dick clean off.
- Yep.
- And then she flushed it.
She flushed my pee-pee like a poo-poo.
She sounds like one bag of trash.
Yep.
You know what the craziest part is?
I still love her.
There it is.
You know, I know it's just
a dirty toilet dick but, doctor...
I'd like to give these two young men
my old penis.
- That's awesome.
- You know, that might work.
Yeah. Because...
everybody deserves a second chance.
Even me?
Cheryl.
Oh, baby. I'm sorry, baby.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No, baby, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was doing.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just went in. I... I grabbed 'em
and I snipped it.
You got through it real easy, too.
I was surprised.
Can you ever forgive me?
If I could suck it back on, I would.
I know it was the drugs.
I know it was the drugs.
You know it was the drugs.
- Baby.
- Yeah?
- And how about a little kiss?
- Yeah, okay.
That feels good.
Little kisses of an angel.
- Yeah. It's okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Baby. Oh, I love you so much.
- I love you so much.
- Let's go.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You're my king.
- The scepter has been repaired.
When's little Reggie
gonna be ready for me to...
Hey, guys! Guys, guys! Look...
I think they can attach Reginald's penis
to your friend.
Okay? It's in the cold storage.
One floor up, end of the hall.
Take my key card.
- Why aren't you coming?
- "Why aren't you coming?"
How about I don't want to get sued?
If they ask,I'll tell them you stole it.
Wow. That's so great of you.
You're so nice.
Oh!
Oh, Scheie!
What the fuck did you do that for?
So they believe we stole the key card.
I don't know.
I have a super fucking sensitive nose,
you guys.
Why? Why?
Oh, my God!
- Holy shi...
- Oh, my God!
She cut it off again!
I did, 'cause you don't deserve no cock,
you cheating son of a bitch.
Oh, you fucking crazy ho bag!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! We need that!
- It's my cock!
It's my dick.
- Jesus!
- Oh!
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna cut it up
like a little three-year-old's lunch.
- She will do it. Trust me.
- I'll do it. I'm crazy!
Oh! You're crazy, lady!
Ow! Where'd she go?
Where is she?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck!
- What the fuck?
I don't care how many times
you reattach it, Reggie.
I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna cut it off,
and I'm gonna flush it every time.
- Don't you dare.
- Get it, Donnie! Get it, Donnie!
She'll do it.
Cheryl, give me that.
Oh!
Blow it down! Blow the dick down.
I got you now.
Whoa! Whoa!
- Wait a minute, baby!
- What?
I love you.
I love you too, Reggie.
Why do you think I'm doing all this?
Security!
- Mission accomplished, bitch!
- God damn it!
Oh!
It was just supposed to be camping.
- Oh, fuck.
- I'm gonna pick it up.
I'm gonna flip it like dog poop.
Well, boys, I guess you get your wish.
You got your friend's dick back.
Thanks! Let's go. Come on.
Good luck, boys!
Oh, shit.
You okay?
- Oh, hey, it's the girls. It's the girls.
- What?
Hey.
What's going on?
We... we have Jeremy's penis.
Thought it got sewn on to that other guy.
- Oh, it... It did.
- Well, yeah.
'Sup, babe?
It's fucking Chad.
Here. Take... take it.
I know you're done with me,
but the receptionist said
there are five other hospitals
Jeremy could be in.
We're gonna drive around and call around
and see if we can find out where he is.
And if we figure it out before you...
I will text you. I'll text... Chad.
As me this time, not as you.
Do it.
You know what, I am really sorry
that I sent that text.
But you deserve to be with somebody
who respects you.
Not somebody who cheats on you.
You're amazing, and I really like you.
And I've always liked you.
And not...
always... I haven't...
I don't, like, like you like a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
I just think you're cool,
and I think you think I'm cool,
and that we're cool together.
And it's cool that we...
have this thing and...
You know, I am not trying to make...
God. Oh, no, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
Don't worry, I put it in a baggie
like dog shit.
It's still pretty gross.
- Ugh.
- Sorry.
Ugh.
Anyway, I'm really sorry
about everything and...
I hope that you can forgive me.
Yeah.
- Come on down, babe. Let's go.
- Great.
One sec.
Why the fuck did I message Chad?
Come on. Let's go.
We're going to save Jeremy.
You guys coming or...
What? So, my speech was good?
No.
But, hey,
I think I got what you were trying to say.
You messed up. You're sorry.
I deserve respect.
We like each other.
Yeah.
I got it.
- Cool.
- Let's go get Jeremy his dick back.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- 'Sup, babe?
- Sorry, Chad, we're broken up. Bye.
- 'Sup, Chad?
- What the fuck? Are you serious?
I drove all the way out here!
Your loss, Becky.
I even got a fake ID
so we could drink margaritas in Cancun.
- Wait. Holy shit. Stop the car.
- What?
- What?
- Stop the car.Stop.
- I know how to find Jeremy.
- How?
Jeremy bought us booze on the drive
out to the mountains.
So, what?
The military ID was the one in his wallet.
His fake!
Oh! The hospital admitted him
under the name on his fake ID.
Jack motherfucking Jessop!
What the fuck?
- Holy shit.
- I'm calling it in.
- Which hospital? You said there were five.
- East General. The first place.
East General Hospital?
Hi, can you connect us to Jack Jessop,
please?
One moment.
And connecting you now.
- Yes.
- Yes! No, yes!
Just relax.
And count back from 100.
We'll be back shortly to take you
into the OR.
- Hello?
- Jeremy!
Jeremy!
Becky, where are you guys?
They're trying to sew up my nub.
No, no, no! Tell them no.
We're gonna be there soon, okay?
Please tell me you have my pee-pee.
We have it!
- Yes.
- Please, I just want my pee-pee back.
- Stop calling it your pee-pee.
- The doctor, Becky.
He said it's too late.
They pumped me with a lot of drugs,
and now they're taking me to surgery.
- Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't. Hold off.
- Nurse. Nurse.
- We're gonna be there really soon.
- Do not let them take you into surgery.
- Hi, Grandpa.
- Oh, shit.
- We gotta go.
- Yeah, we gotta.
- We gotta go.We gotta go.
Oh! He is out.
Let's get him into surgery.
Say night-night toThe Danish Girl.
Let's go!
Come on!
No!
Yes!
Stop! Stop the surgery! I have the dick!
Oh, shit.
Um, excuse me?
I think this belongs to him.
Look, I'm really sorry that I freaked out
when you tried to ask what our deal was.
But if you're still interested,
maybe we could DTR sometime.
Yes.
What? Yeah. No, yeah.
- That was a really quick answer.
- What?
That'd be cool.
I can't wait, Sarah.
Me too, Donnie.
Just to clarify, we're talking
about "dick to rim,"
not "define the relationship," right?
I'm kidding.
Well, this is probably
my last momentof freedom.
As I'll be grounded
for the rest of my life.
I'm really sorry your parents
are gonna kill you.
Oh, no. It's fine.
I mean, the rest of this year
is gonna be super boring, anyway.
Someone I know is going back to Germany.
- Uh... nope.
- Oh.
Uh, I'm sorry, I just...
I just remembered that you had
my brother's dick in your mouth earlier.
Uh, so maybe...
maybe we should wait.
Okay, yeah.
That makes sense.
- Totally makes sense. I'm on board.
- Cool.
- Don't.
- Oh.
- Still got dick lips.
- Still... Yeah.
- Dick mouth.
- Yeah.
- Can you smell the dick? Okay.
- No. No, no, no.
- It's just the image of it. Yeah.
- Right.
- Jesus. What do you have in here?
- I got a lot of stuff. I got books.
Books on what?
- Books on Germany.
- Don't they have those books in Germany?
- All right, this is it.
- Yeah.
Really think your brother's
gonna miss you, bro.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Make it stop!
- Make it stop!
- What the fuck? Seriously? Again?
- It's so good!
- Stop!
You have to protect your Wi-Fi,
Mr. Floyd.
I don't know how!
Turn it off, man.
What? Is this my ride?
- What?
- What is this thing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Sean, good luck finishing rehab.
- Ha!
- Thank you.
I know I said I'd drive you
to the airport, just us,
but someone got out of the hospital early.
What's up?
Dude!
- Cool.
- That's so sick.
What's up, dogs?
Jeremy insisted that our parents rent him
a wheelchair van.
It's like we have a dumb Stephen Hawking
just rascaling around the house.
- Heh.
- I cut my dick off.
Fucking pimp, right?
I look like Professor X.
"Scott, you're a chump.
Logan's been tapping Jean since day one."
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Sean, also, don't tell Kendall
about S-ing my D.
She's already pissed she can't be riding
this dragon, you feel?
Right, yeah, she would be pissed
if she were real.
Hey, guys. I'm Kendall.
Jennersss.
Thanks for making sure Little J
made his way back home.
- Little J.
- Oh, our pleasure.
- She calls it Little J? Disgusting.
- I gotta give you two kisses.
- Okay. Two more kisses, but just two.
- Okay.
Kendall, I told you just two!
You're gonna rip the stitches.
I'm sorry, I just love you so much.
Why did you fuck with the ramp?
You gotta get back in.
We're going to the airport.
Fuck me! All right, yeah.
- Let's get back in the van.
- Come on.
Nice meeting you guys.
- Get back in the van.
- Let's roll.
- Okay.
- You got this. Come on, babe.
Bye, Jeremy's girlfriend. Hope you enjoy
his Franken-peen when it's healed.
Franken-peen's funny.
- Good, right?
- Come on. Keep it up.
I love you, babe.
- I love you too, babe.
- #metoo, babe.
So, I could drive you to soccer practice
if you wanted.
Yeah.
Maybe we can stop by
the church parking lot on the way.
Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yeah.
Thank you. Is it weird to say thank you?
- Little bit.
- Yeah, it's strange.
All right.
So I wanted to...
give you something...
when I dropped you off at the airport,
but now we got these two tagging along.
Ah, bummer.
Yeah,
but what I wanted to give you was, um...
Give you this.
Oh.
The Fuck King.
What is the Fuck King
without his condom crown?
Wow. Returns.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know... I don't know why I...
Right, yeah.
Oh, my God.
You know
we can see you, right?
Yo, Jeremy, Sean's tonguing your sister
pretty hard right now.
What? Hold on. I'm missing it.
I'm missing it. Hold up.
You know he had a dick
in his mouth?
Yeah, well, in 20 minutes,
I'll have a dick in mine.
What? What? Really?
No.
Great. Thanks.
- Yo, can you see them?
- I can't, babe.
I gotta get out.
- Becky!
- Go, Sean. Take it horizontal.
- Stop making out with him!
- Okay, I'll just do it myself.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna get a boner.
Yeah!
- Babe?
- Wait.
- Jeremy!
- Get back in the car.
- Jeremy, get back in the car.
- You're gonna get dirty.
Get it, Becky!
This is her choice.
Jeremy,
it's not like you can't walk.
- Your legs are fine.
- What are you doing? Oh, my God!
Hips! Use those hips, girl!
Jeremy, stop being
so fucking weird. It's your sister.
Oh, my God, babe.
How's Little J?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna grab my own ass.
And then, Becky,
tell me if you feel it, too.
- There's no twin connection, dude.
- Oh, here we go.
It's beautiful.
I thought it'd be weird
to watch your best friend make out, but...
I'm getting into it.
You guys, this is awesome.
But I think I fucked up my stitches.
- I told you to be careful.
- Let's cut to the music.
There's some trail mix
in my teeth right now.
I love this belt.
Only 30 minutes more TV. Okay, hon?
This lamp. Sweet. Oh.
Donnie's gonna be here any minute.
Yeah. Whoa.
Welcome home, Sean Floyd.
All right, Donnie's here.
See you guys tomorrow.
All right, honey.
- Have fun camping, kiddo.
- Bye!
Oh, yeah. Ah, Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Ooh.
Holy shit.
- What is this?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God.
- Work!
- Just walk over, hit the button on the TV.
- What are they doing?
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
What are you doing?
Dude, what are you doing?
Are you serious?
Sean Floyd, back on American soil
for one week only!
Dude, turn that off.
My little brother is crying in there.
That's crazy porn.
She's a big girl.
What are you wearing?
They're my hiking shorts.
Why do those cover your belly button
but not your balls?
What's that on your face?
You spilled something on your face.
It looks like you drank a glass
of Ed Sheeran's pubes.
In fact, the '80s nostalgia wave
we're living in,it's about to crest.
When it does, I'm gonna be swimming
in puss. Know why?
Are you growing a Narcos coke 'stache?
I am growing a Narcos coke 'stache,
my friend.
- You're growing a coke 'stache.
- Mm-hmm.
Donnie Escobar, right here.
- Wow.
- That's right.
How you doing, pal?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Glad to have you back.
Ah, it's good to be back and...
Oh, we're hugging.
Oh, hey, dudes.
'Sup, Virgin Megastore?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, Mrs. Abelar.
- Hey.
Hi.
Jeremy,
what are you doing over there?
Jeremy!
I can see
you are jerking off the walking stick!
Mom, I'm packing.
Your dad and I are leaving in an hour,
and I want you out of here ASAP.
Okay, I'm going!
Oh, God, I so need this vacation.
Six hours,
I'll be in Napa with a Zinfandel.
Bye, Mrs. Abelar.
Look who the fuck is back.
- What's up, man?
- What's up, man?
- Yo, you dogs ready to get...
- ...fucked up?
- Oh, yeah.
- Show him the ID.
It's a military ID.
1991, dude.
- What? You buy stuff with this?
- Fuck yeah, he does.
Jack Jessop reporting for booze.
You don't look like this guy.
This guy looks like a soldier.
You look like Pocahontas.
- No one says shit to an Army ranger.
- All right.
I found this outside the booth
at the gun and knife show
when I was picking up this bad boy.
Check it out. Check it out.
Huh?
- Whoa.
- Oh, shit.
Hoo-rah!
- Pretty tight, huh?
- Yeah, it's cool.
This is in case we run into any crazy shit
out in the woods.
- Like, fucking crazy shit! Shit. Fuck!
- Whoa, man!
- I'm... Sorry, dude.
- Come on, man.
I try to act like I'm riding a bike,
but I still got the training wheels on.
- You feel me?
- Yeah.
- Let's pack up the van.
- Let's do it!
- Yeah, let's just get out of here.
- Let's pack it up. Hit the road.
Why are there so many bags?
- What is all this shit?
- Oh!
Uh... Yeah,
there's a slight change of plans, dude.
It sucks total donkey dick.
- Stop going through my shit, perv.
- Sarah?
No. No. No!
No, no. No way.
No, no, no.
- For real?
- Why does this feel so awkward?
Jeremy, did you not tell them
that we were coming?
I was... I'm telling them now.
Like, they're learning of it right now.
- Are you kidding?
- They're coming.
Welcome back, Sean.
Hey! Hey, what's up?
- Do you not hug people anymore?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- They don't hug in Germany?
- Yeah.
Welcome back. I mean, I'm back.
You're not back.
I'm just back for the next week.
Hey, Sarah, what's up?
Were you really in Germany?
There was a rumor you were in rehab
for bath salts.
- Everyone's talking about it.
- What? No.
Nein! Nein!I was in Germany. Yeah.
Cool hiking gear.
Hmm? Oh. What?
- How'd that get tucked in?
- Stop!
- You're ruining my bra!
- I don't care.
This shit's expensive. Stop!
Jeremy said we're going six miles
into the woods.
Yeah!
Yeah. I'm glad you're coming, though.
It's gonna be worth it
when you see metwerking
with Mother Nature.
Are you gonna be twerking
against a tree or...
- How does that work?
- I don't know.
Excuse me!
This is supposed to be a bros trip.
So I need a group meeting. Now! Sean!
- Sounds mad. Yeah.
- I gotta go. Um...
Bye.
Hey, did you guys know that people think
I've been in rehab?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's some bullshit rumor,
dude. Forget about it.
Look, I'm feeling fucking betrayed
with you, J-Tron.
Chad and my sister broke up yesterday,
so she bailed on Cancun
with his family.
- That's fine.
- Oh, what? They broke up?
- That sucks.
- Yeah, she found out he cheated on her...
I don't care what happened.
I'm not going camping with my ex
this weekend.
Wait,
I thought you guys were never "official."
Yeah, that's one of our many disputes.
Thank you, Sean.
Spring break. Indigonanza...
- is about bros. Bonding.
- Uh-huh.
Ceremoniously drinking
a bottle of Indigo Caribbean Spiced Rum
in 48 hours.
- That's the tradition.
- This is true.
Plus, we only have Sean for one week
before he goes back to dipping his balls
in sauerkraut
for the rest of the school year.
That's not something we do.
All right.
This is shitty for me too, okay?
My girlfriend freaked out
when she found out
ladies were coming
and I didn't invite her.
How many times do I have to tellyou?
You're being catfished.
Her name is Kendall Jenners.
With an S.
- Not real.
- That's her name, okay?
She's real, all right?
We're gonna meet this summer
at theater camp and we're gonna have sex.
Hey, actually, that reminds me, Sean.
This weekend might actually be your chance
to bang my sister.
- Whoa, whoa!
- What the fuck?
She's my twin sister, okay?
We have this special connection thing.
If she's having sex,
it's like if I'm having sex.
- Dude, that's gro... Don't say that! Now...
- Why not?
Why would you not want me to feel sex?
Sex is great.
It's your fucking twin.
Don't be disgust...
- Jesus Christ!
- Stop pouting in there, cheddar bush.
It's gonna be like this
the whole fucking time.
Scared me.
Here we go.
- Bye!
- Bye, Mrs. Abelar.
- Bye!
- Fuck you, Mrs. Abelar.
Don't say "fuck you" to my mom, man.
- We say "fuck you" to Mom all the time.
- Well, yeah, but she's, like, our mom.
I just don't think any Abelar woman
should be disrespected
like that.
Yeah.
Ah, they're good kids.
- They're nightmares.
- I know, hon. Let's go.
- They're my suicidal nightmares.
- I know, I know.
Hey, um,
I'm really sorry about Chad.
Thanks.
So, do you guys keep in touch at all?
Or...
Oh, well, we broke up 17 hours ago.
So...
I'll keep you posted.
Hey!
Are you going to the Sadie Hawkins dance?
Oh, wow, really?
You know what, Sarah?
I'm gonna have to think about it,
but thank you for asking.
Actually, I just wanted to warn
whoever you end up going with
that you shart during blow jobs.
- That happened one time!
- Happened two times.
You said you'd never...
Dog, you sharted mid-beej?
All right. Stay in the van.
Be cool. I got this.
Hoo-rah!
What's up?
You got ID?
Blammo!
Hmm... Ranger, huh?
$47.65.
Military discount.
- Stop. Wipe it on your dirty butt.
- No! Not on my... Ah! Not on my butt!
Know what? Just keep the change.
You have a great day. No receipt. Heh.
That's not funny, man.
Yeah, you're great.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put it in there.
All right, guys. Let's getthese
Snow Mates ready for their cover shoot.
Ow.
Jeremy, where are you taking us?
We're going deep
into Mother Nature's puss...
all the way up past the ovaries.
Whoo!
Kendall gets so wet for this shit.
I'm sure that he does.
Oh, this is it, dogs.
This is base camp.
Fucking finally! Jesus Christ.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go. Oh, what the fuck?
Fuck Chad, right?
Uh, yeah.
High school relationships are bullshit,
anyway.
I just feel really embarrassed.
Yeah.
But what if you tried to just...
you know, do something
to take your mind off of it a little bit?
You could hook up with Sean.
Come on, it might be fun just to hook up
with someone that's nice for a change.
Plus, you've always kind of liked him,
and he got kind of hot in Germany.
I wouldn't say "hot."
I feel
like he finished going through puberty.
- You're blowing it with Becky.
- Man, they just broke up.
This is the Rent cast party
all over again.
This is not like the Rent cast party.
Okay? It's not like that.
Remember what happened
at the Rent cast party?
You sat on the couch
sipping your Mike's Hard.
Her hand on your thigh.
You were on the couch
and you squeezed his thigh.
Then I asked if he wanted to go smoke
on the roof.
Wait, yeah, what did he say again?
I told her that I passed on grass.
Which doesn't make any sense
because we smoke literally all the time.
They literally smoke all the time.
And you sat there watching as she left.
I just got up and left.
I told you that I couldn't stand up
because...
- Maybe he just had a boner.
- I had a boner.
Oh, ew.
Who gets a boner
from someone touching their thigh?
You're being cock blocked, literally,
by your own cock.
I don't know, man. I can't control it.
She then goes upstairs,
makes out with Chad,
and they've been fucking dating
till this moment.
The Rent cast party?
That was your chance to be with Becky,
and you blew it.
- Yeah, Donnie's right.
- Thank you.
Musical theater's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
That's why me and Kendall are composing
an R-rated musical
based on the songs of Britney Spears.
Dude, get this, all right? It's called
Blonde to Bald to Back Again.
Shit is gonna be so fucking tight, dude.
I can't wait.
I mean, you remember Christmas Eve, right?
When I sang Kendall
my "Oops! I Did It Again" solo?
Dude, I had to Urban Dictionary the shit
she said she was gonna do to my body.
Oh, dude, I almost forgot.
I got you something, dude.
It's for you and Becks.
It glows in the dark and shit.
What? "The Fuck King Condom"?
Yeah. King of fucking, dude.
Or you can go raw, dog.
I mean, I'm down to be an uncle.
Stop it
with the fucking your sister stuff.
As weird as this fucking guy is,
he's right about one thing.
Becky's always had a thing for you.
No, that's 100% conjecture.
I don't know.
I'm slow-playing it, okay?
You're no-playing it.
Be her rebound, okay?
Take off your practice sweats
and crash the fucking boards.
- Yeah.
- Play dirty.
You think I didn't throw a few 'bows
to get where I am with Sarah?
What?
Where do you think you are with Sarah?
You guys hate each other.
Donnie?
Drink up, bitch.
Oh!
- Snap.
- Fuck!
What was that?
Oh!
Why?
Fuck!
Well, nature's great,
but it's still spring break.
And I'm ready to rage.
Let the games begin.
Actually, Sarah, this is a bros trip
that you're intruding on.
Indigonanza's our thing.
So I'm gonna be the one
who officially starts everything off.
Okay.
- Let...
- Indigonanza begin.
Okay. Let...
- Let Indigonanza begin.
- This is my thing.
Guys, it's important to him, so...
Let Indigonanza...
begin.
I liked it better when she said it.
I mean, look at him.
He's going to town
on that trail mix.
Do you still have your bong bear?
Yeah, I do.
Get over there and make a move.
You should fuck my sister.
- I'm gonna piss.
- Thanks for letting me know.
- Go get 'em.
- Okay.
- Nice ass.
- Okay. Fine.
Hey!
- Quit hogging that trail mix.
- Okay.
- Oh...
- Coming in.
- Beep, beep, beep.
- No, that's enough. Thank you.
Uh, so did you hear about the...
the bear thing?
- No.
- Yeah.
Here's one right now. Oh!
- Whoa! What?
- What?
- It's just a... It's a bong bear.
- The bear bong.
Bear bong!
Hey, if you wanted, we could...
we could go hot box the tent later.
We could do that.
- I'm free now.
- You're free?
Uh, that's kind of perfect,
'cause I'm free.
Yeah, our schedules lined up perfectly.
- Uh, let's go now.
- Okay!
- Here we go.
- Cool.
Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
Jeremy's talking to himself.
We gotta fuck with him.
We gotta go.
We gotta go right now. Let's go.
Sorry.
Bye.
This knife is so sharp,
it can cut piss.
Oh, what's that?
- Are you pissing on this endangered fern?
- What the fuck is he doing?
Oh, shit, it's an anthill.
I'd better get 'em.
Let's get him.
- We approach a wild teen.
- You're dead!
- Oh, shit. I think I cut myself.
- Did you... Did you just...
Oh, no!
Why... why are you looking down there?
Keep your eyes above... No.
What are you doing?
That's not okay. That's...
Where'd my dick go?
Did you see my dick, Sean?
Sean, you didn't it?
What about you, Donnie?
Did you see my dick?
What is... What is happening?
- I just cut off my dick.
- Jeremy, is this a fucking prank?
Don't be stupid.
Come on, show me your dick.
I cut off my dick, Becky!
I cut my dick off!
- Oh, my God, it's not a prank.
- Help! Help him!
I don't think it'll be okay.
You'll be fine, man.
We'll lay you down.
Come on.
Here we go. Put this under his head.
Shit. That's a lot of blood,goddammit!
That's a lot of blood.
- I'm gonna fucking die.
- Jeremy's gonna die.
We can all stand here and have a meltdown
or we can get our shit together
and save Jeremy.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!
- We need to call 911, now.
- Yeah, get our phones.
- Kendall... theater camp.
- My phone's in the van.
- Don't die.
- Fuck. I don't have any service. Do you?
- I don't.
- Fuck. Me neither.
- I got nothing.
- Fuck. You don't have service?
Just...
Oh, give me one second to think.
Okay. I'm going to the top of the ridge.
Give me your phones.
Okay. One of them has to have service,
right?
- What's the passcodes?
- 3-5-3-2.
69-69, which is pretty ironic now.
- Mine's 0-0-4-7.
- 0-0-4-7.
- Go.
- What's your passcode, Donnie?
- All ones, dude. All ones.
- Okay.
Guys! Hey, guys, in times like these,
we... we gotta... Fucking...
- Just go!
- Get out of here!
- Yeah, I'm going!
- Oh, my God. Okay, Jeremy.
Someone...
Someone needs to find the... penis.
- Get my penis.
- Okay.
- Get my penis.
- Yeah.
Dude, I'm gonna get your fucking peen.
I'm taking this. I'm getting a flashlight.
- I'm gonna go with Donnie.
- Yeah, I'll stay with Jeremy.
- It's gonna be okay, right? All good?
- It's gonna be okay. Yeah.
You're gonna get my dick.
I'm gonna get my dick back.
Yeah, we're gonna find it.
Just for scale, what am I looking for?
Like half this? A... a quarter?
I'm not gonna tell her how big my dick is.
I'm gonna take it as a quarter.
If this doesn't work out, Becky,
- I'm gonna be your sister now.
- Okay.
- You already have the hair for it.
- Yeah.
Hey! That is a cliff.
All right. Okay.
Nope. All right, come on.
Crap. No, come on! Come on!
Come on! Bars! Bars! We got bars!
We got bars. Oh, baby mama.
All right. I can hear you now.
Fuck yeah.
911, what's your emergency?
Hello! Hello! Hello!
911. I have a medical emergency.
I need a medevac pronto.
My friend has lost his penis.
He cut it off. I think it was an accident.
Okay.
Okay. Come on. Okay.
Fuck.
Shit!
- If I was a dick, where would I be?
- You are a dick. That shouldn't be hard.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- Found it!
Where?
Oh.
It's a pine cone.
It's gotta be here somewhere.
I mean,
how fucking far could this dick fly?
It could be anywhere
within a thousand-foot radius.
Okay, sir,
I'm triangulating your current location.
Uh...
"Hey, babe, I'm sorry I was an idiot.
Where are you?"
"I bailed on Cancun.
Are you at your house?"
- Oh, come on.
- We're sending a medevac helicopter.
Okay, yes. Thank you.
"I want to make this work. I miss you.
You're the shit."
Crash the boards, Sean.
Fuck Chad, man. Fuck you.
You're a...
dirty taint.
Fuck, yeah.
Shit.
Send.
Fucking send.
- Send it. Come on.
- Did you get a signal?
- Oh!
- Sean?
Please tell me that wasn't all the phones.
No, no.
- I mean, yes, it was...
- It was.
...all the phones.
But, hey, hey, I called 911.
I talked to them. They're gonna send
a medevac in 30 minutes.
- So... So that's good!
- Okay.
- Yeah!
- Let's go. Let's go.
That's... All right.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait! Whoa!
It's a fucking mushroom, dude.
- Everything looks like a dick at night!
- What is that?
Hmm?
Is that a piece of coyote scat?
Are there coyotes here?
That's not shit.
What do you mean?
That's Jeremy's dick.
Oh, my God.
Damn it.
I'm gonna get some sticks
to pick that up with.
The medevac's on its way.
We got the dick!
- Yes.
- And Sarah puked on it.
- Donnie!
- Sean lost the phones.
What?
First my dick, and now my 7, Sean!
Is my pee-pee okay?
- Okay. We gotta keep this warm.
- Okay.
Where is it? I wanna see it. Where...
Warm it up, baby. Come on.
- Whoa!
- What are you doing?
I'm keeping the capillaries open.
Stop yelling at me.
You gotta put that on ice!
I don't know.
They don't teach you this in health class.
My dick is on a stick!
- Gotta put it on some ice.
- Ice, ice!
Ew!
Do you think the helicopter
is gonna find us?
I hope so.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.
Is this normal?
It's from his Britney Spears musical
he's writing with his fake girlfriend.
Over here! Come on! Hey!
- Wait. Where are you going?
- Hey!
Oh, my God. It didn't see us.
It didn't see us.
Okay.
- This. This'll get their attention.
- What are you doing?
Fuck this! Everybody run.
- What? Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
What? Yo! Yo!
Get your head down, Jeremy.
Fuck you, Donnie!
Oh... Okay.
Guys?
- What the fuck?
- Guys!
Seriously?
Wow, Donnie, I am so impressed.
This is some of your best work.
Becky! Becky!
- What the fuck!
- Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Damn, that was dope.
- You okay?
- No.
Holy shit. That was crazy.
Oh, hey! It worked! Hey, we're here!
- Let's get the dick. I got it. Let's go.
- Let's go, Jeremy.
Oh, hey!
Hey, guys. Come on!
- Hey, look! Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hi.
Hey!
We'll get him to East General Hospital,
ASAP.
As long as it's within twelve hours,
a severed member can still be reattached.
- Yes!
- Okay, thank you.
Your friends did a good job.
You're gonna be okay.
Thank you!
Whose idea was it
to set off the fireball?
That was all me, dude.
You're a fucking idiot!
We saw you guys on our initial approach.
Hike down to your car
and you can meet him at the hospital.
Okay. Okay, okay. Hey.
You're gonna be okay. Yeah.
We're gonna see you at the hospital, okay?
Becky, you need to shut the fuck up.
You're wasting time. We gotta go.
Okay, yeah! Yeah!
- He's not gonna die!
- He's gonna be fine.
Stay strong, Jeremy!
Bye, Jeremy.
Look. He's reverse-Terminator- ing.
That's epic.
Okay. He's gonna be okay.
Oh, my God. Thank God.
- He's good.
- He's good.
Whoo!
- He really lost a lot of blood.
- Yeah, man, I'm covered.
Can I propose a little toast
to the first responders?
- Yes.
- May the heroes that...
- Guys?
- What?
- What?
- Guys!
What? Ah!
- What is it?
- What?
Sean?
You gave the EMT the wrong cooler?
No! No, no. No way.
- Wait. Wait, we have the dick!
- Donnie, no!
- Wait! Come back!
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
- The ice...
We have my brother's dick.
With no ice and no phones.
- We have 12 hours, right?
- Yeah, I think the EMT meant if it's,
you know, on ice.
Oh, shit! Oh, wait. They... they...
They also told us to hike down.
They probably don't think
we're here anymore.
Shit. Look, I'm willing to wait and see.
But by that time,
Jeremy's dick is gonna be rotten
and have flies on it...
No, no, no, no, we can't freak out.
Don't freak out.
We'll hike down.
We'll... We'll find someone with ice
or a phone along the way.
And worst case,
we'll be back in the parking lot
in, like, six or seven hours.
This is gonna work.
Yeah, okay, Becky's right.
Let's do this.
This is gonna work.
That's a good plan.
Okay, let's leave our shit.
We'll move faster.
- Okay. It's gonna be a long way.
- Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Hey, stay with us.
Don't head for the light!
Hang in there, buddy.
We got a male. Severed penis.
Cut clean to the base.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
There's no penis.
It's just two cans of Flittson.
My dick isn't in there?
Just cans. There's literally no penis.
It's just two cans of beer.
You guys, where's my dick?
I don't think this is a good plan.
I told Becky it was. We've been hiking
for over an hour, and there's no one.
Of course it's not a good plan.
There are no good plans in this situation.
Look, um...
- Dude.
- What?
- Uh, he texted her.
- Who texted her?
- Chad.
- What?
When I was calling 911
from Becky's phone,
Chad texted,
and said he wants
to get back together.
- Rent cast party, man.
- Yeah, I, um...
Oh, man, I think I fucked up.
I, like,
I think I texted him back as her.
Whoa. That is epic.
What did you say?
I said, "Fuck you,"
and then I called him a dirty taint.
Guys! Guys?
We're gonna stop and pee really quick.
Ginger Pablo Escobar,
please keep your eyes downhill.
Ha! Hope you pee on your shoes.
People are noticing.
It still looks like you blew
Chester Cheetah.
- Oh, shit!
- What?
- Is Donnie coming to perv on me?
- No.
Hey, Sean!
Sean, there's a ranger lookout station.
They might have ice.
Hey, that's good.
That's awesome. Let's go.
Let's go!
Hello?
- Hello, anybody?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
We need some help! It's an emergency!
- Excuse me?
- Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody home?
Seems like we have to break into
this bitch.
What? We're not doing that.
I don't know.
This is government property.
I feel like it would be...
a bad idea.
Damn.
But, yeah, you know,
this is a time-sensitive case
so it's a good call. It's a good call.
Mm, it's empty.
Great.
Please have ice.Please have ice.
Oh, dude. No, close that.
Well maybe there's still a phone
or radio or something, right?
- Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- No, no, no.
I think the rattlesnake bit the dick.
Oh, my God. A snake bit the dick?
We have to get the venom out somehow.
- Yeah. How do we do that?
- We have to get it out.
Maybe if we shake it a lot,
the venom will pour out.
No, we have to, uh...
Someone has to suck it out.
It seems only fair that the person who's
had that dick in their mouth do it.
Donnie,
what the fuck are you talking about?
- I'm obviously referring to Becky.
- What?
You guys shared a womb together,
so obviously at some point in the dark...
- that dick went in your mouth.
- This idiot.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Fumbling around.
Donnie, I didn't suck his fetus penis
when I was in the womb.
I am his sister.
I am obviously the last person
to suck the dick.
- You're sucking before I do.
- I'm sucking...
I am not sucking my brother's dick.
End of story.
The women should suck the dick.
We don't even know how.
It's not even the same kind of sucking,
you stupid idiot.
- I am not going to do it!
- You should. This is your fault.
- Yeah, you should.
- I'll do it.
I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll suck it!
I will suck the dick.
I lost the phones.
I gave them the wrong cooler.
I'll suck the penis.
- It's really cool of you. Thanks.
- Yeah.
Just, uh...
I'd like to do it...
alone.
Yeah, you got it.
- I'll tell your story.
- Okay.
You're a hero.
Yup.
You da man.
Thanks.
Man, we came all the way up here
for nothing.
I really fucked this up. I'm sorry.
What now? We're just gonna run down
this mountain and pray that J-Tron's D
doesn't fester before the car?
We've only been hiking for three hours.
That means we still have nine hours.
That was before it got bit by a snake.
You guys hear that?
Dude, look!
A drone?
Wait a minute. Wait.
If there's a drone,
that means there's a person,
and they probably have a phone.
We should... We should follow it.
Let's go get Sean.
Sean! Sean, there's a drone... Oh!
- Don't look at me!
- Sorry. Sorry.
Uh, it's just... There's a drone,
so there's people, and we need to go now.
Oh, my God. That's great. Okay. Um...
- Just... Stop looking.
- One second. I gotta...
I'm getting a lot of venom
out of this thing.
Hey!
Come here!
There. Get it.
Stop!
- Where'd it go?
- Does anybody see it?
Oh! There it goes.
I got this shit.
- Sarah!
- Oh, shit!
Fuck!
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- Fuck!
I got it!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, totally!
- There are people there. They have a boat.
- Nice!
Watch this.
Let's get wet!
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
- Holy fuck.
- Whoo!
Yeah!
- That was pretty cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah. It looks easy.
He made it look easy!
- Yeah. Do... do you wanna go next?
- Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. No, I'll go.
Hey, I get the feeling
that you maybe don't wanna jump.
So, uh, we can try to find
a way to hike down.
- No, I wanna... I want to go.
- Okay.
Es geht um die Wurst, ja?
Which means "it's do or die" in German.
Actually,
the literal German translation is,
"it's all about sausage," which is funny...
Are you making a dick joke right now?
We, like, gotta go.
Yeah. Obviously. Yeah, okay. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
I'm not gonna take the long way,
I'm gonna take the Sean way, huh?
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!
- Fuck! Oh, fuck.
- Oh!
Yeah!
I'm good! I'm good! Whoo!
So, the "Sean way" is going for
the maximum amount of pain
you can inflict on your body?
No, no.
Honestly, it didn't hurt that much.
It was actually really fun.
I actually... It was a fun ride.
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Dude, uh, your back is like...
red raw.
Oh my... Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck me.
You guys, look.
Huh?
Oh! That's so dumb.
They fucking came back.
And we're not there. That's awesome.
Ow!
- Damn it!
- All right, man! Jesus. We're all mad.
No, the wind blew against my back.
It's okay. I'm fine.
What?
You guys, come on. Let's...
Let's just keep going.
- The helicopter went back to the campsite.
- Yes.
- But your friends weren't there.
- No.
So, the doctor's gonna need to operate
before this gets infected.
Okay. No, my friends,
they'll... they'll get me my penis back.
I know they will.
Okay, I know they will, too.
If they don't, though, you'll be fine.
We can do a full penal reconstruction
using a graft from your forearm or glute.
The results are fantastic.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
In addition to increased self-esteem,
most patients report
successful ejaculation
in ten percent of sexual encounters.
On a pleasure scale,
we're hitting mid-to high-threes.
Is that good?
Those numbers sound bad.
Well, in comparison
with not having a penis,
I think those numbers sound great.
Okay. I will wait for my dick.
I have a strong dick.
I know it'll last days out in the wild.
No.
Everyone thinks their penis is special.
It's not.
Okay? It's like one of these flowers.
Right?
If you remove it from the body,
cut off its flow of blood,
and then eventually,
if left on its own, it will wilt...
and die.
HBO's on Channel 3.
Come on, guys.
I know you're doing whatever it takes
to get here as fast as you can.
Hey, Becky!
Hey, don't beat yourself up
over the helicopter.
I think you're doing great.
I've always thought you were really great.
Uh, are you forgetting the time
you totally rejected me?
That never happened.
I don't remember that happening.
Come on.
Remember the Rent cast party?
- Kinda made a move.
- I... might remember.
I had a momentary crush on you.
- You had a crush on me?
- I just thought...
Sean, emergency bro discussion.
- One sec, man.
- 911, Sean.
- You better go. Sounds very important.
- Sorry.
Sean, Sean, you are not gonna believe
what I found in the woods.
Wait till you feast your eyes on these.
What are those? Why do you have those?
When Sarah went behind that big bush
to dry off or whatever,
I went after her, 'cause I needed to pee.
Okay, I find those waiting on a rock.
For me.
Knew she came to win me back.
What? Maybe she just didn't want to wear
wet underwear, you psychopath.
That's like serial killer behavior.
Okay, these are a sign.
She wants us to be together.
And you know what, Sean?
I'll tell you the truth.
I'm ready to forgive her.
Forgive her for what?
Over Christmas break, usual spot,
abandoned church
my grandma used to take me to.
Before we start hooking up,
I throw around I want a DTR.
- She freaks out.
- DTR?
You said you wanted dick to rim?
No. What?
I wanted to "define the relationship."
- What the fuck is dick to rim?
- I don't know. Butt stuff.
What has happened to you in Germany?
Anyway, I tell her I wanna DTR.
And she's all like,
"Relationships are bullshit."
Then I feel like an idiot.
I don't know what to do.
So I kick her out of a car...
may or may not have been moving.
- Wow, that's really mean.
- I also told her...
um, that I never liked her.
- Wow, man.
- And she was gaining weight.
Sean! This is a power play.
She wants me back.
Come on, Donnie.
The camp's around this bend.
- Hi! Hello. Hey, bud!
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, there.
- Hey, hi.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
- Hey.
I believe this belongs to you.
And I believe you're the bitch
that fucked it up!
- What now?
- Whoa.
You better have cash to pay for this.
Okay, uh, where are your parents?
My dad went fly-fishing.
What about the boat? Where are the keys?
Because we're in an emergency,
and we need some help.
All right. If I'm gonna give you the keys,
then I wanna see some stuff.
Okay.
- No. Ugh.
- We are not going to show you our boobs.
Bitch, please!
I'm 11, not five.
I've seen thousands of titties.
I wanna see you two scissor.
- Yeah!
- Oh!
- Take that, you little perv. Gross.
- That is inappropriate.
I'm not helping you with shit!
Stay the fuck away from me!
- Kid's a monster.
- Jesus Christ.
I kind of love him, though.
Okay, if we're not outta here in,
like, an hour
- Jeremy will be dickless...
- The rest of his life.
That's decades with no dick.
No. We need that boat.
Fuck this little baby Bieber wannabe.
What are you doing?
Listen here, you little terrorist.
This is my brother's dick.
He's in the hospital right now,
and he needs us.
We need your boat so we can get
to the hospital to reattach it.
Listen, kid, when we're around,
dicks get cut and dicks get sucked.
I saw him suck this dick.
I sucked that dick this morning.
Now, give us the keys.
Yes!
All right. Tell your dad the boat's
gonna be at the south campground lot.
Jesus, Sean,
that dick really fucked him up.
He hasn't said a word
since you showed him the dick.
What if he never talks again?
- Whatever. Fuck this kid.
- The worst.
Piece of shit, anyway.
Hey, buddy.
Son are... Are you okay?
Dicks get cut.
Dicks get sucked.
- All right. I got you.
- Okay.
Good God. Hey!
- Hey!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! Go!
- Guys, we gotta go!
- Go! Shit! There's too many keys.
- I'm getting the anchor.
Hello, sir, I can completely explain
what's going on here.
What have you done to my son?
It's a good thing you're...
Okay, fuck this.
I'll kill all of you perverts!
Hey, he has a bruise. Leave him alone.
You're a fucker!
Hit me again. I fucking dare you!
Oh, my God. Ugh. Go.
Let's go! Come on! Move!
I got it!
I'm gonna kill you, son of a bitch.
Back the fuck up!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God. It's slipping, guys!
Shit! He's Cliffhanger- ing!
Oh, hold it, Sean.
Fucker!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
- I got it.
- Fucker!
- Auf Wiedersehen!
Hey! That's my boat!
Come back with my boat!
- Holy shit.
- Whoo!
That was insane.
- That guy tried to murder us.
- Yeah. He was crazy.
I mean, in all fairness,
he probably thought we molested his kid.
I shouldn't have said,
"Dicks get cut and dicks get sucked."
That was too much.
Nice going, pinch hit.
Yeah, thanks.
I learned from the best.
When you nailed me in the head
with a beer can.
Oh, yeah. That was awesome.
By the way, I got your sign and...
message received.
- My sign?
- Yeah.
Look familiar?
If I'm wearing your underwear,
that means you're not wearing any.
Those aren't my underwear.
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
Man, that's gross.
- Okay, don't tell anyone.
- I...
I really appreciate that you tried.
I think we're actually gonna make it
to the hospital in time.
- We're a good team.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Time to cooler it up. Whoo!
Let's find Jeremy
and get some ice.
- Get that dick to the hospital!
- God! Donnie!
Oh, my God.
It's all crumbed. Like a churro.
- Oh, my God. We made it!
- Let's go get some ice.
Yes!
Let's go! Let's go!
I have read the literature,
and I've come to the conclusion
that I do not fucking want this, okay?
- I don't want a butt dick.
- Hey!
Don't you yell at me. I'm not the one
who got drunk and... Pfft.
Ob... Obviously, you don't have a dick.
No, I don't have a dick!
No one in this room has a dick.
Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's hope they're on their way.
Think we should call
your parents?
What's your mom's number?
Uh, it's... Uh...
I don't know it.
- At all? No?
- No. Mm-mm.
I don't know. I just programmed them
into my first phone. I was 11.
We can maybe check if they left a message
on your phone.
Don't leave a message, just text me.
You have one new message.
Fuck you, Becky.
You're the taint.
- Is that Chad?
- You hear me?
- Um...
- You're the real taint.
I'm glad this is over.
You deserve to be alone.
I want you to take that note I wrote you
our four-month anniversary and burn it.
I don't mean any of that anymore.
Ah!
You made me so mad,
I dropped my vape!
You owe me a new vape, Becky.
You hurt my feelings, dawg.
Becky, um,
I have to tell you something.
When... Um...
- I'm really sorry, but...
- What? No, no. It's not your fault.
It's just really fucked up
how someone you thought cared
about you can lie to your face.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Damn.
Girl, you are a really good driver.
- Thanks.
- God.
You're like a young Furiosa.
All right, man, we gotta get this dick
on life support.
- We need bags and ice.
- Oh, my God, dude.
This looks like a cat shat in a cooler.
- Oh, shit.
- Ugh.
Should we... Should we clean it?
I'm fucked if I know.
What do you even clean a dick with?
Doxycycline.
Or a Z-Pak.
I've had everything in the book.
It works. Trust me.
Which one of you's is it? You?
You?
Or is it the ranger?
Yeah, actually it is for the...
the young, uh, ranger.
We need stuff to clean his wound.
A wounded soldier?
Um... We need to clean his, uh...
Penis.
Three inches. Severed at the base.
I've seen this before.
You have?
It would be my honor and a privilege
if I could do this for you.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
Let's do it!
All right, let's go.
He's been in this situation.
If we're gonna trust someone,
it might as well be this guy.
Whoa, whoopsie.
His dick's gonna be even better.
Wow.
Fresh ice. Good as new.
Oh, wow.
That is amazing.
Yup.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Good luck, soldiers.
- Hey, yeah.
- Oh, hey.
If you need anything, this is my card.
- Let your sergeant know what happened.
- Absolutely. Will do.
Yeah. What the hell's that?
It's just my wallet.
- Ow!
- Crestview High School.
Junior.
The hell's going on here?
It's just a really old high school ID.
Says it's from this year.
- Does it? Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Fuck.
Did you boys lie about being servicemen
so you could buy alcohol?
No. No, absolutely not.
There is no way we would ever lie. It's...
Our... Our friend Jeremy, he lied.
You mean,
I just cleaned a civilian dick?
- I am so, so sorry.
- Stay cool, man.
- Get the hell over here!
- Fuck.
- Go, dude! Go!
- Come back here.
We have got to go!
He looks mad!
- Go!
- Oh, come on. Okay.
- Here it is! Unlock!
- Unlock the door, Becky.
- I'm pressing unlock.
- Open the door.
Shit! He's got a fucking bow and arrow!
Go!
The only dicks that I touch
are mine and my husband's.
Go! Shit!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Hey!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
- That was crazy.
- God.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Guys, we made it.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Fuck you!
Yeah, fuck you!
- Holy fuck! Are you okay?
- Ow...
You look okay.
Looks like just the tip went in.
Come on, Donnie. You love just the tip.
Fuck, that's really funny,
but not right now.
Did you say Kendall Jenners? With an S?
We're supposed to meet
for the first time this summer.
That name is like Catfishing 101.
Why does everyone say that?
She likes to text.
She doesn't like talking.
That is definitely a catfish.
Okay, look. Anyway, if I'm gonna die,
I need her to know...
that I love her.
You're not gonna die.
You just won't have a penis.
I'd rather die than not have my penis.
We've waited all day.
It's been almost 12 hours.
We haven't heard anything
from your friends.
- Yeah, but there's still time.
- Nah.
Look at the flower. Look.
It still has most of its petals.
What? No. Dude... The flower...
that was an example.
Did you think that that flower
was magically linked to your penis?
This isn't Beauty and the Beast.
But me and my friends are fucking idiots.
They're gonna need more time.
Honestly, it's not looking good.
So, let's just hope your friends
are arriving right now.
Hi! Hi! We're here for Jeremy Abelar.
We have a... a special delivery.
Uh, one moment.
- Abelar? Abelar.
- Abelar. Yes.
A-B-Oh... Ooh...
I just gotta go back here.
That's it.
Ah! Yep.
Ah, we don't have a patient
under that name.
Uh, the helicopter EMT said
they would be bringing him here.
I don't know what to tell you.
He's not here.
They sometimes reroute medevacs.
I'd try Clarkson Memorial.
They have a helipad.
Fu...
...ck!
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Everybody, listen up!
There is a penis in this cooler!
Are we in the right place or what?
Is that the penis?
- Yes! Yes!
- Thank God. Yes.
Oh! We didn't think you guys
were gonna make it.
The penis is here!
Page the anesthesiologist.
I want to get into surgery immediately.
- Yes!
- Hey!
You guys did good.
Ooh! Also, it got bit by a snake.
I sucked it pretty good,
but you should still check for venom.
Prep the OR!
Goddamn hero.
Yes!
- Yes! Oh, God.
- Ow! Oh, ow!
- Someone's thumb went in my hole.
- You okay?
You can scoot closer.
You're kind of far away.
Yeah.
Hey, thank you for your shirt, also,
by the way.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
- It's comfortable. It smells good.
- Looks great on you.
Thanks.
Hey, um, you know what? Uh...
Remember at the Rent cast party?
- Mm-hmm?
- I actually had a crush on you, too.
You... you did?
Yeah.
Yeah, also momentarily.
- Um...
- Right.
Yeah, I mean...
I don't know.
Wow, the Fuck King?
The Fuck... Are you the Fuck King?
Uh, no, that's not me.
I'm not the Fuck King.
- Just a fuck prince.
- I wouldn't even...
I think I'm more of a jester.
- You're a fuck jester.
- Yeah.
That's... that's more fun.
You wanted to use it at the hospital here?
Well... Um...
Jeremy actually gave itto me
to use with you.
- And I said, "That's crazy."
- That's really weird.
- I'm on the same page. It's weird.
- I'm his sister.
So it's not really mine.
- Ew! Ew!
- I know! I know!
- Why?
- Yeah.
- The Fuck King? Come on.
- I know. It's weird.
I mean, it's not like you still
have a crush on me.
Do you still have a crush on me?
- Excuse me.
- Wha...
Come with me.
The doctor would like to see you.
- Okay, yeah, great. Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
Um... Donnie. Hey.
The doctor wants to see us. Let's go.
- Okay.
- Were you just...
God damn.
- Sean. Let's go.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm on my...
Yeah, I'm on my way.
- What's your problem?
- Nothing.
I lost something. I can't remember...
if I...
- Sean, do you have a boner?
- I don't have a boner.
Just my back hurts, and...
So...
basically every time you touch Sean,
he gets a raging bonie.
See? I told you. You give him boners.
What?
I don't have a bonie.
Did you just fart?
No, it was the seat.
Oh, my God. Do you have the farts
and a boner?
- I don't have farts or a boner.
- One of those is a lie.
- Let's... You got it. You got it.
- Do you, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Shocking, man.
Thanks.
Good news. Surgery went perfectly.
Oh, my God.
Well, not perfectly.
But as good as we could have hoped.
We have a successful reattachment,
and your friend's gonna be fine.
What about the snake venom?
There was no venom in the penis.
Yeah, man. You sucked that shit out.
No.
- There was never any venom in the penis.
- Huh?
It's impossible to suck venom
out of a bite wound.
It was a defensive bite.
Whatever, man.
- Don't listen. He doesn't know shit.
- Yeah.
Right. I'm just a doctor.
Anyway, your friend whose dick you sucked
for no reason
is gonna be under a bit longer,
but you can go in and see him.
Sure he'd love to wake up
to some friendly faces.
Salty.
Here we go.
All right.
Let's do it.
Who's this?
Um, hi, excuse me. Nurse.
The doctor told us the wrong room.
We're looking for Jeremy Abelar.
Jeremy... Abelar.
No, we don't have a Jeremy Abelar
in recovery.
The doctor told us that he transferred
from surgery.
Let's make this simpler. It's the guy
that got his wiener reattached.
Yeah. That's him.Reginald Knudson.
- No, no, no.
- The other person for a severed penis.
Yeah.
If there was somebody else here
with a severed penis, trust me, I'd know.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If... if Jeremy's not here, then...
We gave someone else Jeremy's penis.
What?
That's our friend's dick?
That's our friend's dick.
- That's our friend's dick! Oh, my God.
- That right?
- What kind of fucking hospital is this?
- Security!
You have my friend's penis.
Hang on for one second.
It's a simple mistake.
It's an honest mistake, I'm sure.
But you guys have the wrong penis, okay?
You have the wrong penis and...
You all saw that!
You're witnesses!
- Are you okay?
- That's a felony!
All right, we need to figure out
if there's a head of the hospital
and explain the situation and see if...
And what?
They'll just grow him another dick
with their magic dick-making machine?
- I'm not just gonna give up.
- You have no idea where Jeremy is.
It's pretty obvious we're done.
That's awesome, Donnie.
Sarah, I'm sorry.
Can you tell your boyfriend or whatever
to stop throwing a little baby boy
tantrum right now.
Maybe I should be more like you.
Right? Manipulate things.
Make 'em go my way.
Like what you did with the medevac.
- Shut the fuck up.
- What are you talking about?
Uh, while your brother was lying there,
maybe about to die, uh...
Sean was pretending to be you
and texting Chad from your phone.
Sean.
Sea... Sean?
Are you serious?
- You...
- It was... It was an accident. I was...
How is texting my boyfriend
as me an accident?
You guys weren't even
technically together.
What? What? What did you say?
What did you say to him?
I said, "Fuck you. We're done."
And then I called him "dirty taint."
Wow.
- Yeah.
- Um, okay.
The... the voicemail?
The voicemail he sent me.
I, um... I need to... I need to go.
- I'm sorry. I need to borrow your phone.
- No. What the hell?
You do not want to fuck with me
right now!
Just messaging Chad
and telling him to pick me up.
Becky...
Of course, he's online. Okay.
He's coming to pick me up.
Thank you.
Sarah, let's go.
Becky! Becky!
Becky.
Use the twin connection.
Find me.
If you can hear me, please hurry up
and come and save me.
Becky!
Nope, it's me Darlene. Hello.
Um, so...
we got you an operating room.
I'm telling you, lady.
My friends are close.
And I'm telling you, it doesn't matter
if they're close.
By now, unless your penis somehow got
fresh, oxygenated blood in it,
it's dead.
No, no, no, no! Don't.
Oh, my God.
There's no point in waiting any longer
for trash to arrive.
Okay, fine.
Let's do the butt-skin dick.
A graft is no longer an option.
- What?
- Do you smell that?
You know we don't serve blue cheese
in the cafeteria, right?
That... that is...
That's your hole.
I'm sorry.
The anesthesiologist will be in shortly.
Wow. So this is really happening.
I can't believe I shat on your chances
with Becky.
Yeah, it's my own fault.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Uh, no.
Also, I'm really sorry I started the rumor
about you going to rehab for bath salts.
What? That was you?
I feel like we both now know
I have problems with abandonment.
- Yep.
- I can't believe
I found a dick in the sewer.
Believe it, young'un.
You just got your dick cherry popped.
Gonna need a new cooler.
- Fuck.
- Dude.
- Yo. Yo, yo, yo.
- They have the redneck's dick.
If...
we can get it to the doctor...
then the doctor can reattach it
and we can get Jeremy's penis back.
We haven't been good friends
to each other.
- I feel like I've been a good friend...
- But...
we can be best friends for Jeremy.
Let's do it.
Hey, man.
Who the hell are you?
- I said no visitors.
- Uh, I'm really sorry.
There's something that you should know
about...
your penis.
Er, I mean, it's not your penis...
You have our friend Jeremy's penis.
What the hell are you talking about?
- They put our friend's penis on you.
- Yes, they did.
Like, not like when I was out,
they put your friend's dick on my face...
I don't know, maybe that happened.
But then they sewed it on you.
You're gonna see right away
it's our friend Jeremy's penis.
Oh, my God.
That is not my dick.
That's not your dick.
It's what I said.
Why? Why? Why is it so ugly?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Where did they find this?
A little Navajo boy?
It's a normal-looking dick.
Once the swelling goes down,
it's gonna get smaller?
Are you fucking kidding me?
How am I supposed to work with this?
Ugh. You two again? Hey!
Am I gonna have to call security?
Oh, hey, it's Dr. Malpractice.
Guess what? You sewed the wrong dick
onto the wrong body.
If you don't want us to fuck
your world up, you listen.
Two water sanitation workers just came
into the hospital with his dick.
- What? My real penis is here?
- Yeah, man.
What we need you to do
is reattach 'em.
Guys...
You don't just pop 'em on and off.
It's a delicate operation.
It's not a fucking LEGO set.
That dick is staying on that body.
Are you trying to tell me
that I'mstuck with this...
- this thing?
- Hey, man.
That thing...
that fucking thing...
belonged to a goddamn majestic person.
And you need to respect
that you got a part of my friend
on you now forever.
Okay? You got a piece of Jeremy.
It's a good dick.
You need to honor that penis.
And bring it as much joy
as Jeremy brings us
every time you take it out.
Because it belonged to a great dude.
The best.
You guys seem like
some really good friends.
I wish I would have listened to my buddies
when they told me
that Cheryl was a psycho bitch.
Never would have let her tie me up.
I thought she just wanted to get freaky.
- Maybe do some butt stuff.
- That's awesome.
Anything goes, you know?
She put on her sexy little
Juicy Cooter slip.
Got my rod all hard.
Cool.
She started licking all up in my ear,
you know.
Saying sexy sweet nothings and whatnot.
And she leans in and she whispers...
"I know about you and my sister."
Yeah, and then she whips out
a pair of scissors... and bam!
She snips my dick clean off.
- Yep.
- And then she flushed it.
She flushed my pee-pee like a poo-poo.
She sounds like one bag of trash.
Yep.
You know what the craziest part is?
I still love her.
There it is.
You know, I know it's just
a dirty toilet dick but, doctor...
I'd like to give these two young men
my old penis.
- That's awesome.
- You know, that might work.
Yeah. Because...
everybody deserves a second chance.
Even me?
Cheryl.
Oh, baby. I'm sorry, baby.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
No, baby, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was doing.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just went in. I... I grabbed 'em
and I snipped it.
You got through it real easy, too.
I was surprised.
Can you ever forgive me?
If I could suck it back on, I would.
I know it was the drugs.
I know it was the drugs.
You know it was the drugs.
- Baby.
- Yeah?
- And how about a little kiss?
- Yeah, okay.
That feels good.
Little kisses of an angel.
- Yeah. It's okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Baby. Oh, I love you so much.
- I love you so much.
- Let's go.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You're my king.
- The scepter has been repaired.
When's little Reggie
gonna be ready for me to...
Hey, guys! Guys, guys! Look...
I think they can attach Reginald's penis
to your friend.
Okay? It's in the cold storage.
One floor up, end of the hall.
Take my key card.
- Why aren't you coming?
- "Why aren't you coming?"
How about I don't want to get sued?
If they ask,I'll tell them you stole it.
Wow. That's so great of you.
You're so nice.
Oh!
Oh, Scheie!
What the fuck did you do that for?
So they believe we stole the key card.
I don't know.
I have a super fucking sensitive nose,
you guys.
Why? Why?
Oh, my God!
- Holy shi...
- Oh, my God!
She cut it off again!
I did, 'cause you don't deserve no cock,
you cheating son of a bitch.
Oh, you fucking crazy ho bag!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! We need that!
- It's my cock!
It's my dick.
- Jesus!
- Oh!
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna cut it up
like a little three-year-old's lunch.
- She will do it. Trust me.
- I'll do it. I'm crazy!
Oh! You're crazy, lady!
Ow! Where'd she go?
Where is she?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck!
- What the fuck?
I don't care how many times
you reattach it, Reggie.
I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna cut it off,
and I'm gonna flush it every time.
- Don't you dare.
- Get it, Donnie! Get it, Donnie!
She'll do it.
Cheryl, give me that.
Oh!
Blow it down! Blow the dick down.
I got you now.
Whoa! Whoa!
- Wait a minute, baby!
- What?
I love you.
I love you too, Reggie.
Why do you think I'm doing all this?
Security!
- Mission accomplished, bitch!
- God damn it!
Oh!
It was just supposed to be camping.
- Oh, fuck.
- I'm gonna pick it up.
I'm gonna flip it like dog poop.
Well, boys, I guess you get your wish.
You got your friend's dick back.
Thanks! Let's go. Come on.
Good luck, boys!
Oh, shit.
You okay?
- Oh, hey, it's the girls. It's the girls.
- What?
Hey.
What's going on?
We... we have Jeremy's penis.
Thought it got sewn on to that other guy.
- Oh, it... It did.
- Well, yeah.
'Sup, babe?
It's fucking Chad.
Here. Take... take it.
I know you're done with me,
but the receptionist said
there are five other hospitals
Jeremy could be in.
We're gonna drive around and call around
and see if we can find out where he is.
And if we figure it out before you...
I will text you. I'll text... Chad.
As me this time, not as you.
Do it.
You know what, I am really sorry
that I sent that text.
But you deserve to be with somebody
who respects you.
Not somebody who cheats on you.
You're amazing, and I really like you.
And I've always liked you.
And not...
always... I haven't...
I don't, like, like you like a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
I just think you're cool,
and I think you think I'm cool,
and that we're cool together.
And it's cool that we...
have this thing and...
You know, I am not trying to make...
God. Oh, no, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
Don't worry, I put it in a baggie
like dog shit.
It's still pretty gross.
- Ugh.
- Sorry.
Ugh.
Anyway, I'm really sorry
about everything and...
I hope that you can forgive me.
Yeah.
- Come on down, babe. Let's go.
- Great.
One sec.
Why the fuck did I message Chad?
Come on. Let's go.
We're going to save Jeremy.
You guys coming or...
What? So, my speech was good?
No.
But, hey,
I think I got what you were trying to say.
You messed up. You're sorry.
I deserve respect.
We like each other.
Yeah.
I got it.
- Cool.
- Let's go get Jeremy his dick back.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- 'Sup, babe?
- Sorry, Chad, we're broken up. Bye.
- 'Sup, Chad?
- What the fuck? Are you serious?
I drove all the way out here!
Your loss, Becky.
I even got a fake ID
so we could drink margaritas in Cancun.
- Wait. Holy shit. Stop the car.
- What?
- What?
- Stop the car.Stop.
- I know how to find Jeremy.
- How?
Jeremy bought us booze on the drive
out to the mountains.
So, what?
The military ID was the one in his wallet.
His fake!
Oh! The hospital admitted him
under the name on his fake ID.
Jack motherfucking Jessop!
What the fuck?
- Holy shit.
- I'm calling it in.
- Which hospital? You said there were five.
- East General. The first place.
East General Hospital?
Hi, can you connect us to Jack Jessop,
please?
One moment.
And connecting you now.
- Yes.
- Yes! No, yes!
Just relax.
And count back from 100.
We'll be back shortly to take you
into the OR.
- Hello?
- Jeremy!
Jeremy!
Becky, where are you guys?
They're trying to sew up my nub.
No, no, no! Tell them no.
We're gonna be there soon, okay?
Please tell me you have my pee-pee.
We have it!
- Yes.
- Please, I just want my pee-pee back.
- Stop calling it your pee-pee.
- The doctor, Becky.
He said it's too late.
They pumped me with a lot of drugs,
and now they're taking me to surgery.
- Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't. Hold off.
- Nurse. Nurse.
- We're gonna be there really soon.
- Do not let them take you into surgery.
- Hi, Grandpa.
- Oh, shit.
- We gotta go.
- Yeah, we gotta.
- We gotta go.We gotta go.
Oh! He is out.
Let's get him into surgery.
Say night-night toThe Danish Girl.
Let's go!
Come on!
No!
Yes!
Stop! Stop the surgery! I have the dick!
Oh, shit.
Um, excuse me?
I think this belongs to him.
Look, I'm really sorry that I freaked out
when you tried to ask what our deal was.
But if you're still interested,
maybe we could DTR sometime.
Yes.
What? Yeah. No, yeah.
- That was a really quick answer.
- What?
That'd be cool.
I can't wait, Sarah.
Me too, Donnie.
Just to clarify, we're talking
about "dick to rim,"
not "define the relationship," right?
I'm kidding.
Well, this is probably
my last momentof freedom.
As I'll be grounded
for the rest of my life.
I'm really sorry your parents
are gonna kill you.
Oh, no. It's fine.
I mean, the rest of this year
is gonna be super boring, anyway.
Someone I know is going back to Germany.
- Uh... nope.
- Oh.
Uh, I'm sorry, I just...
I just remembered that you had
my brother's dick in your mouth earlier.
Uh, so maybe...
maybe we should wait.
Okay, yeah.
That makes sense.
- Totally makes sense. I'm on board.
- Cool.
- Don't.
- Oh.
- Still got dick lips.
- Still... Yeah.
- Dick mouth.
- Yeah.
- Can you smell the dick? Okay.
- No. No, no, no.
- It's just the image of it. Yeah.
- Right.
- Jesus. What do you have in here?
- I got a lot of stuff. I got books.
Books on what?
- Books on Germany.
- Don't they have those books in Germany?
- All right, this is it.
- Yeah.
Really think your brother's
gonna miss you, bro.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Make it stop!
- Make it stop!
- What the fuck? Seriously? Again?
- It's so good!
- Stop!
You have to protect your Wi-Fi,
Mr. Floyd.
I don't know how!
Turn it off, man.
What? Is this my ride?
- What?
- What is this thing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Sean, good luck finishing rehab.
- Ha!
- Thank you.
I know I said I'd drive you
to the airport, just us,
but someone got out of the hospital early.
What's up?
Dude!
- Cool.
- That's so sick.
What's up, dogs?
Jeremy insisted that our parents rent him
a wheelchair van.
It's like we have a dumb Stephen Hawking
just rascaling around the house.
- Heh.
- I cut my dick off.
Fucking pimp, right?
I look like Professor X.
"Scott, you're a chump.
Logan's been tapping Jean since day one."
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Sean, also, don't tell Kendall
about S-ing my D.
She's already pissed she can't be riding
this dragon, you feel?
Right, yeah, she would be pissed
if she were real.
Hey, guys. I'm Kendall.
Jennersss.
Thanks for making sure Little J
made his way back home.
- Little J.
- Oh, our pleasure.
- She calls it Little J? Disgusting.
- I gotta give you two kisses.
- Okay. Two more kisses, but just two.
- Okay.
Kendall, I told you just two!
You're gonna rip the stitches.
I'm sorry, I just love you so much.
Why did you fuck with the ramp?
You gotta get back in.
We're going to the airport.
Fuck me! All right, yeah.
- Let's get back in the van.
- Come on.
Nice meeting you guys.
- Get back in the van.
- Let's roll.
- Okay.
- You got this. Come on, babe.
Bye, Jeremy's girlfriend. Hope you enjoy
his Franken-peen when it's healed.
Franken-peen's funny.
- Good, right?
- Come on. Keep it up.
I love you, babe.
- I love you too, babe.
- #metoo, babe.
So, I could drive you to soccer practice
if you wanted.
Yeah.
Maybe we can stop by
the church parking lot on the way.
Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yeah.
Thank you. Is it weird to say thank you?
- Little bit.
- Yeah, it's strange.
All right.
So I wanted to...
give you something...
when I dropped you off at the airport,
but now we got these two tagging along.
Ah, bummer.
Yeah,
but what I wanted to give you was, um...
Give you this.
Oh.
The Fuck King.
What is the Fuck King
without his condom crown?
Wow. Returns.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know... I don't know why I...
Right, yeah.
Oh, my God.
You know
we can see you, right?
Yo, Jeremy, Sean's tonguing your sister
pretty hard right now.
What? Hold on. I'm missing it.
I'm missing it. Hold up.
You know he had a dick
in his mouth?
Yeah, well, in 20 minutes,
I'll have a dick in mine.
What? What? Really?
No.
Great. Thanks.
- Yo, can you see them?
- I can't, babe.
I gotta get out.
- Becky!
- Go, Sean. Take it horizontal.
- Stop making out with him!
- Okay, I'll just do it myself.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna get a boner.
Yeah!
- Babe?
- Wait.
- Jeremy!
- Get back in the car.
- Jeremy, get back in the car.
- You're gonna get dirty.
Get it, Becky!
This is her choice.
Jeremy,
it's not like you can't walk.
- Your legs are fine.
- What are you doing? Oh, my God!
Hips! Use those hips, girl!
Jeremy, stop being
so fucking weird. It's your sister.
Oh, my God, babe.
How's Little J?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna grab my own ass.
And then, Becky,
tell me if you feel it, too.
- There's no twin connection, dude.
- Oh, here we go.
It's beautiful.
I thought it'd be weird
to watch your best friend make out, but...
I'm getting into it.
You guys, this is awesome.
But I think I fucked up my stitches.
- I told you to be careful.
- Let's cut to the music.
There's some trail mix
in my teeth right now.