The Palace (2023) Movie Script

let's get this straight
I don't want to hear another word
of this Y2K nonsense
Phones going dead, electricity cut-off,
banks collapsing,
or even planes falling out of the sky
The end of the world is not coming!
The numbers in our calendar
will change, yes,
all four at once,
but they're only numbers!
Mankind has been through this before
At eight o'clock,
a lot of very important people
will dine at our tables
The mood in which
they leave in the morning
will impact the lives
of millions of ordinary people
Our duty is to make sure
that no one's ass gets sore
from sitting on too hard a chair,
that they all stuff themselves
with caviar to their heart's content,
that bubbles of champagne
will gush from their noses and ears
Is that clear?
- Trying to make a point, Tonino?
- No
I mean, yes
Couldn't agree more, boss
I expect nothing more from you all
than our usual...
politeness, precision, and perfection
Five, four, three, two, one...
Twelve hours left
Let's get to work everybody!
Let's get to work!
Too salty
Pour it out!
Pour it out!
Slowly, slowly, be careful, be careful
Push it back...
Push it back more, this side
Push this side back more, it's stuck
Stop, stop, stop
Step away, step away
Wow. What a night
What a night!
May I help you, sir?
- My room key
- What would be the room number?
I don't remember,
look it up on your thing
Faraday, Simon Faraday
I'm sorry, sir, according to my files
you're not staying with us
Would you tell your files
we've been staying at the Grand Bellevue
at Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve,
for 15 years!
My compliments,
then you should probably go there
- Where?
- The Grand Bellevue
A short walk down the road
Hasn't moved an inch since 1912
- Yes, sir?
- Can't they see it's not centered?
- I'll take care of it immediately, sir
- It's not a chair you can move around
- It's heavy
- Sorry
- Good morning, Mr. Minetti
- Good morning
- Slept well?
- Like a baby
Our boys will be happy
to carry those to the ski room
Oh, no! My Scott-Pros? No, thanks
I've had these babies stolen from me once
Not here, Mr. Minetti,
we can take care of your babies
Do you know how long
it takes to import them from Idaho?
I'd rather keep them under my bed
Did you see him?
- Bongo!
- Bongo?
Bongo! He's a big star
- Really? What was he in?
- He's done hundreds of movies
"Sex Odyssey", "Sperminator,
"Pulp Friction"...
The list is just endless
Such a beast without a muzzle!
I'm sorry, sir
C'mon, little boy
Get up here now
C'mon, Mr. Toby, shit!
We don't have all day
Is Bongo your real name?
An artistic pseudonym
I knew it
- My mother told me all about you
- Ashley, God!
Good thing it wasn't your grandma
Do you still work?
In private
- No more movies?
- Ashley, come
I'm retired now
Hi, darling!
How are you?
My God, time stays still for you
And you, getting younger every year
Come on
Seriozh, take everything to the suite
- Let's go
- Holy shit! Holy shit!
What the hell is going on?
All right
- I asked for champagne
- Hi
How about a safe?
Do you have a safe safe here?
Absolutely, this way, follow me
You want to fit a suitcase
in one of these?
You can put the content
into several safes or...
All of them?
I'll get the manager
What the hell do you mean you can't find
my reservation? Are you a retard?
It's that...
Mr. Crush!
So nice to see you back with us,
what seems to be the problem?
This imbecile is trying to convince me
I don't have a reservation
I am so sorry,
there must be some sort of error
- Maybe you forgot to reserve?
- I don't make my own travel plans
I have two competent assistants
and they made them twice
Once would be enough,
if it got through to us
You're telling me
the people that work for me are lying?
Certainly not, Mr. Crush,
let me assure you, no need to worry
- We'll do our best to find a solution
- Find a solution?
Sorry, but the Russians
need a bigger safe
- If you'll excuse me...
- No, you're not going anywhere
Get me into my suite first,
then you do what you gotta do
My colleague is already working on it
and I'll be back right away
This is un-fucking-believable!
This whole place is turning to shit
- Do you like chocolate?
- What?
- Chocolate
- Chocolate?
Good morning, my name is Hansueli Kopf,
I'm the hotel manager
I hear you need some help
We have fragile luggage
that we would like to place in a safe
During World War 11,
the Swiss central bank
stored its reserves here
Perfectly secure as you can see
We'll change the bulb right away
- Nobody has been down here in a while
- Don't bother, Mr. Kompf
- Just give me the key
- That's absolutely out of the question
- Why?
- Because...
- It's the hotel policy
- Change the policy
All I want to do is drink!
- 210 and 209
- Connected?
As you requested
The bodyguards' room is just opposite
We put in two rollaways,
I hope it won't be too cramped
- Sorry for the inconvenience
- Don't worry
Why are you making faces?
You can cuddle at night
Thank you, sir
Mr. Tell, just trust me, okay?
I know this stuff inside out
Y2K hits, no one's gonna have a clue
Not for a long time,
not for a very long time
No, I don't think
that's a very good idea
Why won't we do this?
Why don't we meet in my suite and...
I'll walk you through the details
- Twelve-thirty?
- Sir, your room is ready
- What's the number please?
- 707
Okay, twelve-thirty sharp
All right, Mr. Tell, I'll see you then
Suite 707
Here's your room, sir
- Get that asshole manager up here!
- Yes, sir, right away, sir
Leave that, leave that right there
Get out
Whoever draws the short stick
sleeps on a cot
Damn, I can't even fit on that
Pick one
Dear Russians,
on the last day
of the outgoing century,
I am retiring
I have made a decision
Today, I am addressing you
for the last time
as Russian president
Is your TV working?
What the heck?
May I turn it on?
Help yourself
Can't get porn in your room?
In accordance with the constitution,
as I'm retiring,
I have signed a decree
entrusting the duties
of the president of Russia
to Prime Minister
Vladimir Vladimirovic Putin
For the next three months
he will be the head of state
Are you out of your mind? Can you see me
sleeping in this fucking broom closet?
Or can you see me trying to take a piss
in this dollhouse toilet of yours?
I know Mr. Crush, this is the worst room
in the hotel, I absolutely agree
But we don't have anything else
I'm here to offer you a complimentary
bottle of champagne with our apologies
Know what you can do
with that champagne?
Would you like some chocolates?
I want you to listen,
I want you to listen carefully
I make one phone call, one phone call,
before you change your shirt,
and I'm gonna own your fucking hotel
Anything else?
Wait, woah, woah, I like that
I like that a lot...
You know what? I'll take it
No, Mr. Crush, this suite is taken
The guest is downstairs,
signing autographs
Get the fuck out of my room
Has everybody in this hotel gone insane?
Are we serving penguin now?
- Penguin?
- Yes
Maybe with a little garlic and tarragon
we could sell it as shark fin
No, Mr. Kopf, this came for...
Arthur Duncan Dallas "III"
Is not "III", it's "the Third"
Arthur Duncan Dallas the Third
To be delivered to his suite
- To his suite?
- Yes
Yes, boss?
Do you know anything about a penguin
for Dallas Duncan the Third?
A stuffed penguin?
No, live penguin!
You wait here and you watch this thing
Now we're babysitting a penguin
These wealthy people...
They'll lose everything at midnight
Morning Arthur, here's your masterpiece,
all typed up and looking good
This must be a complete surprise
All we need now
is people to join in the chorus
Come on in
Hansueli! Perfect timing
- Come on in, come on in
- Good morning, Mr. Dallas...
- I'm so sorry to...
- I know things are insane today...
I'm afraid I'll need to borrow some of
your most talented personnel
- I won't keep them long
- Well, yes, but...
- I'm here to talk about the penguin
- He's here?
Oh, great! He's key
to this whole wedding anniversary
You know, Mr. Dallas, we don't have
much experience with wild animals
He's the gentlest creature in heaven!
He's the mascot of my marriage
You see,
one year ago today my wife and I
were married at San Pietro di...
- Positano
- Positano
A hotel as charming as your own
They had a penguin
It was most extraordinary thing
And my wife would feed him
out of her hand, every day at the table
It became a symbol of our happiness
- I'm beginning to understand
- Well, I've written some words
to the tune of "Happy Birthday"
Can you get us some decent voices
to sing this with us?
- To the penguin?
- To my wife
Of course
With pleasure
- I'll take care of it immediately
- Good, good, good
An amazing paillette dress
It's him! It's him!
He's here!
Good morning, Dr. Lima, caipirinha?
Hello, Luigi, you know
I'm hooked on your caipirinhas
- It'll make the end of the world better
- The end of the world?
- Y2K! Doomsday!
- You can't believe in this nonsense!
Of course I do, I'm ready for anything
I took all my savings out of the bank
You don't understand, he's so important
Dr. Lima!
I don't want to disturb you,
but I'm so happy to see you
You remember me?
Gloria, Gloria Robinson
You did me a few years back
Yes, yes, of course
My lips
Your mouth, of course
And your nose, too, right?
Just a touch
"The Lima touch", they call it
May I introduce my dear friend, Alice?
I'm so happy to meet you, Dr. Lima
I've been waiting so long
for this opportunity
What a golden opportunity!
- It's a pleasure
- Could you give Alice an appointment?
Well, I'm actually on vacation
- Please!
- Alice has a problem with her breasts
She had a procedure a little while ago,
and they botched it
What's the problem?
Are we even allowed to do this
under union rules?
Mr. Dallas is very rich,
maybe we'll get a big tip
You know why the rich are rich?
Because they don't tip
Puff, where are you?
Puffball, your princess is awake
To Magnolia from me
Yes, it's from Dallas Three
For our endless happiness
blooms a Magnolia tree
Happy bride and bridegroom
Here in our humble room
My most precious entity
is my Magnolia bloom
My darling!
Next year will be even better
Oh, my God!
Is he really for me?
- He's all yours
- What a cutie!
Come here, baby
Come on
- Why won't he come out?
- Pussy, pussy, pussy...
Pussy, pussy?
Does anyone know how to wrangle a penguin?
I wouldn't touch that fucker
with a beanpole
- Maybe lure him with food?
- He likes fish
That one looks tasty
Don't touch the fish!
Please, don't touch the fish!
- Call the room service
- Order him some salmon
Not smoked, fresh
Come, quickly!
- Madam?
- Madam?
Slap her
You slap her
What does she feed it
to make it stink like that?
She feeds her dog caviar
It's not good for dogs?
People in India are starving to death
and she feeds her dog caviar!
You don't understand, you can't
You can't comprehend the pain
of having a suffering dog
You understand nothing
Please, Marquise, calm down
For Mr. Toby's sake,
we'll find a solution
I fear the worst,
how soon can you get a veterinarian?
That may not be so easy, Marquise,
it's New Year's Eve
Money is no object with love
She's hysterical, something's wrong
with that rat of hers
I hate that dog, call the veterinarian
I did, he's in Kenya on a safari
- Then call the one in Hinterboden
- He's in labor
- He is in what?
- A cow is in labor
Difficult delivery,
he's doing a C-section
- So what am I to do?
- You know how to deal with her
He's had a problem doing his business
in the snow since he was a baby
- You know that
- Yes
- He can only do it on grass
- Let me remind you
we're in the Alps and it's winter
Look, he's shaking all over
A doctor should examine him immediately,
every second counts
- Yes, but unfortunately...
- I know!
Dr. Lima!
But Dr. Lima is a plastic surgeon
But he has a medical degree
Yes, but...
He adores dogs
He has two Saint Bernards,
he showed me pictures
Yes, but he would certainly
call a vet for his dogs
Dr. Lima takes care
of his wife so generously
Alzheimer's in a family
is a terrible tragedy
- Yes, of course
- I'm sure he will help Mr. Toby
Please, connect me to Dr. Lima's room
I need to speak to Dr. Lima
Sorry, I don't know any Dr. Lima
Sorry, I'm here,
my wife is joking, of course
Good morning, Marquise
Not at all, happy to hear from you
Forgive me,
I've been exclusively treating humans
No, I guess it won't hurt to have a look
Dear Russians,
dear fellow citizens,
I have been asked
to become the head of state
There will be no interruption of power
not even for a minute in this country
Freedom of expression,
freedom of speech,
freedom of conscience...
Yelstin was drunk
He will wake up tomorrow
and think he's still president
The armed forces
are working the same as before
Our State is intact
and will remain intact,
and continues working
for the safety of each citizen
When deciding to step down...
What is his problem exactly?
He won't do it in the snow
He made that painfully obvious to me
He's never acted like this before
I guess there's no other way to put it...
He crapped on my bed, voila
I see
Does he sense something?
What would he sense?
The end of the world, of course
Animals have an instinct
often stronger than ours, an insight
You can't really believe in this twaddle
I feel we're on the edge of a precipice,
with all my heart
You see,
Y2K, the end of the world,
what else?
I have to examine his stool
What did you do with the excrement?
- What?
- From the Marquise
- Laundry room
- With the regular bedding?
What were we supposed to do,
put it in the dishwasher?
Find it, right away
Zula, really?
No respect for the Marquise's poo!
Found it!
I feel like Cinderella
Except we'll never go to the fucking ball
At least not tonight
Oh, my God!
Will there be anything else?
No, thanks so much, Mrs. Frautschi
At your service, madam
Madam, can I help you?
Can I take your suitcase?
I'll take this for you
May I help you, sir?
We travel here for Mr. Crush,
to see him in this hotel
- You have an appointment with Mr. Crush?
- No, making surprise
He is here, yes?
Sorry, the hotel doesn't give out
that kind of information regarding guests
Would you like to leave a message?
I am his son
I will notify Mr. Crush of your arrival
Welcome to the Hammam Experience!
I'm Baba Paramahansa Ravi
I will be taking care of you personally
Please, follow me
You will start with our famous foot ritual
in the Infinity Room
I'm ticklish, though, just so you know
- There's no answer
- There is no answer in his room
- There is no answer in his room
- Yeah?
You can wait in the lobby, if you want
- Lobby
- Lobby
Yeah, lobby
Good morning
and welcome to the Palace hotel
Please, allow us to take care
of your coats and the luggage
So, my name is Hansueli Kopf
and I'm the manager
Why don't you have something to eat?
On the house, smoked salmon, caviar...
Some oysters perhaps?
Something to eat?
- Where are you arriving from?
- Cesk Budejovice
- Is it a long way?
- Very long
Changing trains, Vienna and Zurich...
- You have soup?
- Yes, a lot of soup
Girls are cold
I'll bring some broth to warm them up
Put some dumplings in
What's your diagnosis, Dr. Lima??
I beg you, be absolutely honest,
I'm ready for anything
I'm not a veterinarian,
but I'm certain Mr. Toby has worms
- Is that bad?
- Don't worry
It's common among dogs,
mine had them too
I will prescribe medicine
for the parasites
to give Mr. Toby right away
- But he's not going to die?
- Of course not
Thank God!
However, there's a little problem
I'm afraid you may share...
this affliction
I have worms?
Maybe, yes
Worms inside my body?
I'll be sure when I've seen...
your stool sample
My what?
Your stool
Puff! Puff, look!
- What?
- We're on the front cover again
Why do you have to get
so carried away, Puff?
- I didn't even have time to dry my hair
- Hyenas!
Scumbucket hacks!
All they ever write about day after day
is how much...
you're going to inherit from me...
come tomorrow
Don't get so upset, Puff,
your blood pressure
Honey, you already took one
And without water?
That's better
Here he comes
- Go and tell him
- Me?
Yeah, it might be easier
to hear it from you
Could I have a bottle of Bollinger
and two glasses?
Would you like anything else?
- Yes, a couple of hot super models
- Not on the menu, sir
- Your son is here
- What?
Your son is here
A son? I don't have a son
At last!
Give me a hug!
- Who the hell are you?
- It's me, I'm your son, Vaclav!
Listen to me, asshole
Stay the fuck away
or I'll call security
Dad, we came all the way
to see you from Cesk Budejovice
"Budejoic, what? "Bude"...
- So you can meet your family
- My family? I don't have a family
These are your granddaughters,
Ivanka and Jaromira
Listen, I don't know you, okay?
So scram...
They are twins
We used artificial insemination
I write so many letters to you, remember?
I even sent you wooden squirrel
- So cute, right?
- Get the fuck out of my face, you clown
Incredible! How can he be so inhuman?
I am the fruit of your college love
When you were in Prague for two days...
This is mama back then
Take one more step, I'm gonna bust
your fucking nose wide open, hear me?
You gave her a keychain
that said "Chevrolet
I've never been to Prague,
I don't even know where Prague is
You, sir, are heartless
- And on a day like this?
- Do you have a light, sweetheart?
Please, please, please
This must be settled calmly, in private,
please, there are other guests
Your papa is nervous,
this must be a shock for him
You must give him some time, don't worry
A penguin! A penguin! A penguin!
- Tonino?
- Yes, boss?
Mr. Dallas's mascot is wandering around
outside The Gringo
Get it out of here immediately
Come on, it's just a penguin, come, come
So, here...
You will be comfortable here for now
At the moment it's peaceful,
and then we will see
Oh, my god
Can I help you, sir?
- Good afternoon, sir
- Caspar Tell
I have an appointment with Mr. Crush,
in the lobby bar
- Mr. Crush
- I don't know Mr. Crush personally
- Perhaps someone could lead me to him?
- Certainly
Mr. Crush in the lobby
Follow him
- Thank you
- You're welcome
As I was saying, Marco called...
Thank you
Mr. Crush?
- Mr. Tell! Take a load off, have a seat
- Yeah, yes
I was afraid I might not recognize you
from your photos
From my photos?
Well, I pride myself on being thorough
The bank always runs a thorough
background check on prospective clients
Yeah, well, that's good to know
I mean, background checks are...
I'd expect nothing less, believe me
I know you gotta run
back to your office, but...
today is a very special day
A drop of champagne with me?
Yes, please
Thank you
There we go
I shouldn't...
- Prost!
- Prost
I'm very grateful
for the invitation, Mr. Crush
I was here once, when I was seven
My whole first grade class came
and we met Father Christmas
I always wanted to come back again
Did you bring that little thing
we've discussed?
Well, that's the thing, Mr. Crush
I ran another check on your portfolio
right after we spoke this morning
The numbers don't entirely add up
You see? There seems to be
a difference of three zeros
- Three zeros
- Caspar, listen to me
Computers worldwide are about to crash
because of a "difference of zeros"
They gonna read 2000 as zeros,
only zeros, zeros here, zeros there...
The whole world is going to be zeros,
so an extra zero or two, who'll notice?
Me, it's my job to notice those things
- I've been a bank auditor for 31 years
- Exactly!
Now, by this time tomorrow,
we'll be two of the richest men
on the planet, all right?
Should we drink to that? Prost!
You know what?
The walls have ears in here,
why don't we...
go out on the terrace?
In people's minds,
New Year is one precise moment, okay?
The stroke of midnight,
that's fine, but midnight where?
In Tokyo? In Hawaii? Right here?
New Year's is a bust out
twenty-four fucking hours, Caspar
So listen to me, you do your part
and this afternoon the rest is easy
The funds get wired to London,
then to New York, LA, Honolulu...
each time reaching its destination
earlier than it was sent
Well, I suppose, if the credit
was logged prior to the debit,
assuming the amount clears before...
We're traveling back in time, Caspar
Like a science fiction thriller
Alright? We put this tired old century
in suspended animation
Alright? And then boom!
2000 hits, bang! Hits again, hits again
The whole system resets, okay?
Thank you, Y2K, cha-ching brother!
Who are you?
I am a plumber, Mr. Kopf ordered me
To do what?
I put grass in your toilet
A truly magnificent idea, Hansueli
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Would you like something to drink?
- Yes?
- Would you like something to drink?
Mr. Minetti!
Ski room
Please, come in, come
Goddamn snowboarders!
Oh my God, take off the boots!
Bring some ice from the bar, hurry!
Please, have a seat
Come here, here!
Pull off, some ice is coming
What happened?
Mr. Minetti needs a doctor right away
A doctor? Why?
Thank you very much
- Thank you, madam
- What is your name?
- Czech?
- Polish, like Pope
- Pope?
- Yes
- Dog likes play, yes?
- I beg your pardon?
Nice dog you have
But... where did he find that?
That's not mine
Hotels! You never know
who slept in your room the night before
- Yes
- Toby!
Put it down!
Okay, I go
I better go now, okay?
Happy New Year, Karol
To you too, madam, Happy New Year
Is there a special party
for the staff downstairs?
No, just work, all night
And what if the drain in my bathroom
clogged up at, say...
four in the morning?
- I would be there
- Then be
Dr. Lima, are you acquainted
with our favorite artist, Mr. Minetti?
- Yes, we met briefly at the bar
- Darling, boy, how I missed you!
Come with me, darling
Let's have a rest
Didn't I see you on television, dear?
Have a seat, let me get a drink
I can't, I have so much
going on downstairs
C'mon, not even a little one?
- Maybe I deserve a little one
- Of course you do
Here we go, to the year 2000!
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
So, I will have to wear a bandage
at the big party tonight?
We'll have to put something on it
You'll look like this actor from
the movie, with a bandage on the nose
What was the name of the movie?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes
- Boss?
- Speak
- There's a problem in the kitchen
- Of course there is, coming
- One for the road?
Yes, a quick one
And maybe you should have
another one, a double
- A double?
- Bye bye
So let's get it over with
You must've played a doctor
more than once, right?
Such a cliche
Do you write your own film scripts?
I do sometimes
I used to be a producer
This bit won't hurt
I just need to measure
the bone displacement
Relax, think of something pleasant
- Maybe your next film project?
- Nothing in the making
I'll warn you before I do anything
Did you know that bats
have a bone in their penis?
- Really?
- In your line of work, it could prove...
It's so dark in here, Puff,
I thought you liked looking at me
How beautiful!
The Big Dipper!
Come on, darling
I have a star from the heaven...
just for you
The world's most precious necklace
for my most precious princess
Turn around
Put your hair up
Do I get my blowjob or what?
Testing, one, two, three...
Testing, one, two, three...
Enjoying the oysters?
Yeah, I enjoy, my wife also
The disco will open soon, but I have
a quiet place for you for a while
And then we will see again, I guess.
You are very kind, Mr. Hansueli Kopf
As I told you...
Come in, come in
Sit, sit,
the children's program ends soon,
but you can rest here
and then we will find a better place
- They like it here
- Yes, I thought so
- I have twin girls myself
- Really?
- Yes
- How old?
Grown up
Can I do anything else for you?
I would very much like to call my mama,
tell her we are good
No problem, you can use my phone
Thank you, I will be very quick
No, take as much time as you need
Thank you
Mommy, it's me Vaclav!
We're in the same hotel as daddy
He sends his greetings
He remembers the Chevrolet keychain
He looks just like me
Only he's orange, because of the sun
in California
He may come to Budejovice
Wouldn't that be great?
I'll call you back
when I'm with him again
Bye bye, kisses
- Thank you, Mr. Kopf
- Yeah
- Enjoy
- Thank you
Puff, you are okay?
Honey, what's the matter?
Arthur, answer me!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Okay, don't...
Don't panic
Don't panic, don't panic
God, Magnolia, think
- Hello, this is Mrs. Dallas
- What can I do for you?
- May I speak to Mr. Kopf?
- Could I have him call you back?
- No, I'll hold on
- It might take a few minutes
No, that's all right,
I'm not going anywhere
Mrs. Frautschi
Oh, my God! What happened here?
A guest tried to flush
his banking history down the toilet
- His banking history?
- More Y2K madness
Mrs. Frautschi,
do you know about this Czech family?
You made sure the whole hotel
knows about them
You have to find a place
for them to sleep
Mr. Kopf, on a day like this?
- I can't perform miracles
- I know
But just put four mattresses
in a quiet corner, would you? Please
- Boss?
- Yes, speak
Mrs. Dallas is asking for you
I'm coming
Who is it?
It's me, madam, Hansueli Kopf
- Are you alone?
- Yes
Come in, I'm in the bedroom
Come closer, please
Good evening, what can I do for you?
Arthur told me
you're someone who can be trusted
- Can I trust you?
- Of course you can trust me
- You promise?
- Absolutely
I'm in a terrible predicament
You're the only person
who can help me, I guess
My darling husband is gone
Oh, God, he left you?
He's gone on your wedding anniversary?
No, no, he's gone... forever
Just as our happiness
was reaching a climax
At least I think so, anyway...
Now, he's definitely gone
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! This...
This is... this is... this is terrible
- Is he... how did he... Is he dead?
- The worst part is...
I can't seem to part with him
Of course, of course, I'm so sorry
I can imagine how you feel...
No, no, that's not what I'm getting at
Back in Texas, they'd say
my husband died in the saddle and...
I can't seem to dismount
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I'll call the ambulance right away
No, no, no! Just get me off, please
Okay, very well
Just give me a moment, I...
absolutely understand the situation,
and I'll be back right away
Thank you
Thanks so much, Professor
And Happy New Year
I've been advised of an effective way
out of such a situation
Would you mind exposing
part of your abdomen?
It would be better
if you closed your eyes
Oh, God!
Thank you
Thank you, Mr. Kopf,
from the bottom of my heart
Well, shall I start making arrangements?
Wait, no! No, please
Not yet, there is another delicate matter
- Yes?
- No one else can know until midnight
Until midnight? For religious reasons?
- You obviously don't read the tabloids
- No, I try not to
For legal reasons... Wait, no
It's a technicality
I don't understand
- Today is our wedding anniversary
- Yes, of course
- We sang and then there was the penguin
- According to the will,
I stand to inherit everything,
but only after
we've been married a full year
It's everything
It's everything or it's nothing
Well, indeed, I understand
Turndown service!
Would you like
your turndown service?
Sorry, would you like
your turndown service, madam?
Turndown service?
Arthur, we don't need
turndown service, do we?
No, no, thank you
Would you like the chocolates, madam?
Absolutely, my husband
adores these chocolates
- Have a good evening
- Thank you
This will require your absolute discretion
Something bad?
- Oh, yes
- How bad?
Bad bad
A vertical departure
- Who?
- Dallas the Third
- The penthouse?
- Yes
- It'll be done during the fireworks
- Excellent, Mrs. Frautschi, excellent
Are you planning to dim the lights
for the fireworks as usual?
- Right after the cow bells
- Switch them off completely
Welcome, have a wonderful evening
Coat, please
Thank you
Good evening, Mr. Madoff
Have a wonderful evening
and Happy New Year
Thank you, sir
- May I have your name, please?
- Tell, Caspar Tell
I don't seem to have
your name on the list
I gave you the invitation
Yes, but your name needs to be
oh our guest list anyway
Mr. Crush invited me, William Crush
- There's "Mr. Crush and madam" here
- I'm his madam
Well of course I'm not a madam,
I'm his madman...
I mean, I'm his madam...
I understand completely,
welcome, Mr. Tell
Thank you
- We are business partners
- Yes, sure
Have a wonderful evening
Good evening, madam
Thank you
- There's my man!
- Mr. Crush
Let's celebrate, huh?
Do we deserve to celebrate?
- Yes
- That's my pleasure to help, brother
Excuse me, madam, sit right here
Two champagne
It was quite easy, really
I was surprised
how easy it turned out to be
you know, the important thing
that you learned today, my friend, is...
the best stuff comes easy
Okay? Trust me
I do
Trust you, I mean
I suppose I have to, now
Well, what are we going to do now?
When are we leaving?
I don't think I can be ready by tomorrow
I still haven't told my mother,
I have to pack,
get organized, I have to...
all the... Mr. Crush...
Call me Bill
Okay, okay, Mr. Crush
I mean, Bill
Here's to trust, okay?
- To trust, Bill
- To trust
Good evening
C'mon, darling
- It's beautiful
- Yes
Welcome, Excellency
I hope our last-minute visit
has not caused too much trouble
Not at all, it's a true honor,
your party is already at the table
Would you like to join them
or would you prefer an aperitif first?
- I'll join them at the table
- Follow me
Good evening, Mr. Ambassador!
Trying to broadcast my presence
to the entire world?
Sit down and shut up
- All in order?
- Absolutely
- No problems?
- None
- Got everything?
- Yes
In the safe
Where is it?
The key?
Let's have a look
I'll leave my wife here
and you leave your friends
Just you and me
Take good care of Mrs. Belova
Irina Anatolievna, a drink?
This I understand!
Let's drink to Irina Anatolievna!
To your mother!
- And your grandmother!
- To your dog!
- To your father!
- And your grandfather!
To the whole family
- Are you out of your mind?
- Sorry, but this is the best we could do
And it wasn't easy
We had to dig out the right sized table
and push the other tables to the side
Well, push them more together
and bring me a decent table
The table is not so bad, Mr... Bill
I mean, I think it's rather...
it's rather nice
Shut up!
And let me remind you
that you had no reservation.
Had no reservation...
I will not sit at this table
I'll see what I can do for you, sir
Mr. Ambassador,
assuming you're still Ambassador,
the situation in Russia has changed
A new president means new possibilities
I'd like to revise our agreement
We all took risks,
so let's be fair
You might not like my line of thought
Look at it like this
There are three of us,
plus three bodyguards
With all due respect to your wife,
you are alone
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm pretty damn sure
I want to re-negotiate
I'm listening
Here is my offer
You take one,
while I'm still in a good mood
Sooner or later,
we will slice up the Russian cake
as usual
And if one day we want to find you,
we will find you, even on the tiniest...
Hawaiian island
- Two?
- Don't push it, my boy
Don't push it, my patience has limits
I was only joking
Joking? The key
Let me see
Very good
Okay, as soon as you're finished...
Third time today!
Show your face, you son of a bitch!
Here it comes!
Caviar a go-go!
There she is
Darling! You look sensational!
Stunning! Absolutely stunning!
Where's our lucky man?
Arthur sends his apologies
He had another sleepless night
I know something about that
He decided to take a short nap,
but he'll join us soon
He wants his beauty sleep
before coming to surprise us
Handsome as Sean Connery
How are you?
It's such a significant day,
especially for you
It's so...
It's hard to put into words
We were so happy...
We are, we are...
so happy, we always will be
Welcome back
What did you scarf down?
My friends,
let's toast our new leader,
who will take care of us
for many, many years to come!
I wonder if I can bring my mother!
I can't leave her alone, I'm all she's got
- Your mother?
- Yes, my mother
Bring your mother, bring whoever
the hell you want, I don't care
Really? That's so nice, Bill, I...
She's gonna die soon
She's 98, I think she's gonna die soon
And she likes hot weather
Hot weather!
I'm saying, she likes it hot
Hot! My mama!
Mama likes hot, so...
I'd better go check on Arthur,
he must be awake by now
- We're coming with you, darling
- Maybe we should all go?
- Let's give Arthur a surprise!
- No, no, that's a very bad idea
You know Arthur, he'd be embarrassed
to be seen without his bowtie
Ok, we'll wait here patiently
- But hurry up, please
- We won't touch the cake
We'll certainly be down for the fireworks,
Arthur loves fireworks
I must go to the men's room, Bill
I really must
Now? What about your caviar?
No... I'm so sorry, Bill, I...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Sorry, sorry!
I'm so sorry, I...
I'm sorry, really, you...
Sorry, I'm sorry
- Sorry!
- Be more careful
Yeah, madam, sorry
Oh, God!
What have you done, Caspar?
What have you done? How could you?
After so many years of diligence!
I deserve to be seeing penguins
and hearing voices...
Gimme a drag
Look at that poor baby,
he's waiting for his mommy
I bet he needs help
Hi, I'm your mommy
- Help yourself
- Go ahead!
No, I don't smoke ciggie
Is this marijuana?
I smoke marijuanal
I smoke marijuanal
I deserve this, you know?
Mommy gives you permission
My name... my name is...
- How cute!
- Caspar, Caspar Tell
- That's my name
- I'm Natasha, she's Zoijka
I'm the woman of your dreams
Oh, shit!
I know who you are
Holy shit!
You don't mind, do you?
You're probably used to this
You know what? I'm glad
I get to see that with my own two eyes
- I haven't really been hiding it
- It's a monster you got there, brother
Hey, let me ask you something, is it...
Is it true that... that thing is insured
for five million bucks?
It used to be, when it was earning
I wouldn't spend a penny on it now
You can't get wood, right?
What good is it?
You could always join the circus
- Something special, sir?
- Something very special
- Want to know why?
- Sure
- Because I can afford it
- Because he can afford it
Good for you, sir
That one looks beautiful!
- I want that one, please
- Good eye, sir
- Do you like this?
- Yes! Yes!
Bollinger, 1938
Our only bottle
One of the finest champagnes
money can buy
You'll never know who invited me tonight
I was invited by Mr. Crush himself
Who is that?
- What?
- You don't know Mr. Crush?
There he is, Mr. Crush! Billl
- This is Mr. Crush...
- Caspar!
- My best friend and business partner
- Where were you? Your mother's worried
She's looking all over for you
I called you a cab,
get his ass out of here
- Where did you get this tan? Brazil?
- It's natural
I'll come back, Billy
Your guest charged this to your room,
could you sign, please?
Is this a joke?
It's a unique vintage:
Bollinger Collection 1938
Well, take 1938
and stick it up your ass
I'm sure I know him from somewhere
Ok, c'mon
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Don't hurt him
Please, for the love of God!
My condolences, Mrs. Dallas
Mine as well, he was such a kind man
- You know what to do, Mrs. Frautschi?
- Of course, Mr. Kopf
Don't forget your Czechs,
their accommodation is ready
Oh, my God, the Czechs
Yes, yes
He would've loved watching the fireworks
So, finally, your accommodation is ready
You will have clean sheets and mattresses,
and it's warm
Thank you, Mr. Kopf, thank you!
We want to invite you to Cesk Budejovice
We have two rooms,
you can have one all for yourself!
Thank you
Thank you
- What did you do?
- We're so happy to see you again
Dr. Lima!
He's fixed them so much,
he can't tell them apart
Happy New Year!
Did you see
a little strange asshole come by here?
He had the same cone hat as you
He was with three
beautiful Russians models
Happy New Year!
Okay, come, come, come
Try that way!
Please, come this way
Mr. Crush!
He fainted with emotion!
Oh, shit, it's a heart attack!
Tonino, Tonino!
Olivia! Olivia, can you hear me?
Try mouth-to-mouth,
I'll call an ambulance right away
- Mouth-to-mouth?
- Yes, yes, do it!
Sorry, sorry, sorry
Four, three!
Two, one...
Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
- Yes, boss?
- Now!
- Y2K!
- It's really happening
Nostradamus was right,
this is the end of the world!
Oh, my God, it's happening!
What's happening? Look around, nothing's
happening, they do this every year
Everything is gonna be fine,
it's gonna be okay
Arthur, honeycakes!
Happy New Year!
We survived Y2K!
Didn't I tell you it was only a hoax?
Happy New Year, Amanda,
Arthur's really exhausted
Well, of course
Can you believe that?
Fucking broken-down old snob!
I gave him his first decent blowjob
and he doesn't even look at me
My God, what money does to people!
Tonino, switch back on
Will Grandpa go to heaven?
Or to hell?
I don't know, girls
Help yourself
Just one
Listen, don't drink it all at once
Happy New Year, Mr. Ambassador
Same to you, Happy New Year!
Close that fucking door!
What are you doing?
Happy New Year, Mr. Kopf
Happy New Year
Do you have a spare key for the safe?
I already gave you the key
Yes, but do you have a spare?
No, there is no spare
Then you have a problem, Mr. Kopf,
because our Ambassador
is locked inside your safe
I have a problem?
You have a problem, huh?
Maybe? Maybe
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
I came to repair drain
Thank you so much
That was...
the best New Year's party I've ever had
- Have a great evening
- Yeah
Happy New Year