The Paleface (1948) Movie Script
I don't know who you are, but
thanks. I'm goin' this way.
You're comin'
with us!
Calamity Jane.
All right, boys.
Wait outside.
Jane, I'm Governor Johnson. This is
commissioner of Indian affairs, Mr. Emerson...
and his secretary,
Mr. Martin.
I'll come right to the point.
We staged that jailbreak.
We wanted it to look as
if your friends broke you out.
We have a job for you which
requires absolute secrecy.
How 'bout that point
you were comin' to?
A group of white renegades is
smuggling guns to the Indians.
We've got to find out who they are
before we have an Indian war on our hands.
Six months ago we sent two of our best agents.
Their bodies were found horribly mutilated.
We thought we'd send a woman. A
woman who can take care of herself.
Like me, for instance?
Yes, Jane, like you.
We need your help
desperately.
What's the price tag
on this?
Jane, you're facing a
jail sentence of ten years.
You get those men for us, and we'll
give you a pardon. A full pardon.
Gentlemen, I'd like to go on record
as saying we can't trust this, this-
Criminal.
I think we can.
Here's proof
of my confidence.
Well, it's mighty nice
of you. Reach!
Thanks for the drink,
Governor.
Jane, outside that window
there's no pardon.
Unless you help us, the West will be
graced with the blood of white settlers.
Thousands olives.
Women and children.
You could stand
a little practice, son.
I'll take a look
at that pardon.
Keep talkin'. You'll
take the stage tonight.
At Fort Deerfield, contact
a lawyer named Jim Hunter.
There's a wagon train going west. You'll
join it. Hunter will pose as your husband.
As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.
You'll get further instructions from
Hunter. We're dependin' on you, Jane.
I'm depending on you.
And I wouldn't advise you
to cross me up, gents.
So she finally
agreed to go.
She'll be traveling as a lady,
but she's a killer.
A dead shot.
I found that out.
We'll get her. But get her when you're
sure she can't beat you to the draw.
Mr. Hunter.
Mr. Hunter.
Take a seat over there, dearie.
There'll be one ready in a minute.
Now, we'll take a- if you don't
mind my telling you, it's the one-
Please, no clues.
You'll spoil all the fun.
Pardon me.
One can detect an ailing tooth by the dull
sound that comes from it when struck by a hammer.
Hmm, that seems logical.
Yeah, here we go, please.
Ahh.
Ah, that's it!
There's the little doll
right there. Now, we'll jus-
Stand by.
After discovering the ailing tooth, the
next thing is to drill away the decay.
It doesn't seem logical,
but I'm game.
Well... now.
Open. Open wide.
This won't hurt us
a bit.
Where'd you go?
Steady now.
Wide.
Where's the guy who calls
himself a painless dentist?
Hey, I got a tooth that's
killing me. Sit down, you're next.
I'll sit down.
Uh, uh. Oh, that's
what I say, you're next.
That'll be two dollars, please.
Never mind the two dollars.
Thanks. You're welcome. Hey.
Hurry up!
Open wide.
That's a happy
little dungeon.
Hmm.
Hmm.
There's an echo in here.
Well, now-
Never mind about that. When a
tooth's no good, you pull it!
Please, I'm the dentist.
I know what I'm doing.
What do you know,
he's right.
Well, now.
All right, open wide.
Oh.
It's all right.
We'll get right into
the important stuff here.
Real wide now. Get something
- I thought you were gonna pull it.
Well, I have to dig a little
toehold for the pliers.
This won't hurt us at all.
Just-
Please, no singing.
Got a tonsil. I'm sorry.
Hmm?
Ah, got hair on the
inside too. There you are.
Nothing to it at all. Starting
to burn a little wood here.
Steady now.
We're getting warm. There
you are. There you are.
Now, if you just-
Wha- -
Would you mind moving your tongue over a
little? I didn't think you were that tough.
Let me see here.
Ah, ah, ah, don't swallow
it. Don't swallow it, please.
That's funny. I have one
just like it. I- Oh.
Hungry little thing, you.
I wa- -
Well.
So that's what
Horace Greeley meant.
I'll be with you in a minute. You've got
just the kind of mouth I'd like to work on.
I- -
Listen, weasel!
I came here to get
a tooth pulled. This one.
The one next to the gold one.
Sawy? I know. We'll find it.
Don't worry about a thing. It's a
cinch. We'll get to it sooner or later.
I'm a very sensitive man.
Don't hurt me. Just relax.
What's that? It's laughing gas. That's
why they call me Painless Potter.
I use it on all my patients. Is it safe?
Safest thing in the world! Would
you mind paying me now? Come on!
The one next to the gold one. Okay.
Is it coming through?
Feel anything?
Hmm? Must be a leak around here.
Is it doing it to you?
Huh?
Bye-bye.
Come on, dearie.
You're next.
What do you know,
I pulled the wrong tooth.
I got the one
with the nugget in it.
So you pulled
the wrong tooth.
How about that!
I'm gonna give you just 15
minutes to get out of town.
Last town they gave me
20 minutes.
And that scooped-nose quack
pulled the wrong tooth.
She can't take a bath
with her guns on. Come on.
Will somebody come in here
and scrub my back?
Put it in number four.
This is the ladies' side. Come
on, come on, get out of here.
You lookin'
for someone?
Who did the shooting?
Who are they? Never saw them before.
They must be strangers.
Look out! Look out!
I wonder who did
the shooting.
It's Lance! He's still alive.
Anybody got any whiskey?
Dad's got some.
Yeah, here.
Lance.
Doc, get up!
Get up!
Say, I must be running out of
customers. I'm pullin' my own teeth.
Oh, get up, Doc, hurry!
They're shootin' upstairs! Huh?
Come on and do something! Shootin'?
I'll do something all right.
I'm outta here. I'm goin' back east where men
may not be men but they're not corpses either.
I've had enough.
Don't give
your right names.
Warm up, kids.
We're movin' again.
Federal agent
joinin'...
wagon train,
Buffalo Flats.
Giddyap.
Get me out of this.
Ha!
Hey. Wait, I've been chased by women
before but not while I was awake.
I'll take over now! Yeah, you drive
a while. Who wants to watch the road?
I'm gonna join that wagon train.
Come on! Head 'em any way you like.
What am I sayin'? That's Indian
country. You're not afraid of Indians?
It's not the Indians, it's their
attitudes. They're hatchet happy.
I'm headin' back home, Washington,
D.C. I'm gonna join that wagon train.
You can't join 'em
without a wagon.
Make up your mind.
Are you going with me?
You got yourself
a traveling companion.
Keep traveling.
Boy, can you kiss!
Sorry I had to do that, son,
but this is a big job.
There's a wagon train going
west. You'll both join it.
Hunter will pose
as your husband.
It's not speed that we're
interested in, it's secrecy.
As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.
You wouldn't let a girl go on
a wagon train alone, would you?
Painless, you're just the man
I've been hoping to meet.
Painless, there's something
about you that appeals to me.
Wake up, stupid.
I'm proposing to you.
I'm in love with you.
I said,
I'm in love with you.
And I want to marry you.
Come on.
What's goin' on? Why,
sure, I'll marry you, dear.
Huh?
I knew the moment your lips touched
mine that we were meant for each other.
Oh, you did?
Let me hear you say it again.
Tell me you'll marry me.
Me?
Tell me you'll marry me.
The way you kiss,
how can I refuse?
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
The ring, please.
The wedding ring is a token of the
solemn vows you have just taken.
This ring is a symbol of your
affection, sincerity and fidelity.
Ah! At last. And now, the kiss.
Not me, you fool!
Her!
Well, howdy, folks. Welcome.
Uh, what's your handle?
Mr. And Mrs. Painless
Peter Potter. I'm Mr.
Glad to have you with us. Yeah,
just make yourselves to home, folks.
Oh, thank you.
I'll unhitch the horses
and then we can... talk?
Well, I'll unhitch
the horses.
Come on, lets play
hide-and-seek.
Hey,Jimmy, where are ya?
Here I am!
Look!
What are you tryin' to do?
Blow yourself up-
Shut up! Go on, you kids.
Get outta here.
I told you to keep that canvas
lashed down tight.
Good thing
he didn't see it.
Uh-huh. Just as I thought. That
wisdom tooth has gotta come out.
He don't look like
no federal agent to me.
But that's the wagon that left
town right after the killin'.
I can see you 10:30,
Tuesday.
Painless.
That's my wife.
A filly to you.
From now on, I probably won't
have a minute to myself. Painless.
Yes? Oh, what are you doing to
that poor girl, you glorious beast?
Yes, darling. Would you loosen
my stays a little, honey?
Well, it's not my regular work, but I
- Here, maybe I can work it out better this way.
Now you can't do it like
that! Well, it was an idea.
Say, they're rugged, aren't
they? Made of whalebone.
Just call me
Moby Dick.
Hey, you know,
it's a funny thing.
We've been married two hours and this
is the closest I've gotten to you.
Well, you're so strong, silent
and unapproachable. You wanna bet?
Tell me something about
yourself. You seem so mysterious.
All I know is that you
came from Washington, D.C.
I'm sure there are a lot
of things you haven't told me.
I'll unload a little information at a time.
That's the way to keep a girl interested.
Who tied these for ya,
a sailor?
And another thing, you never told me why
you left Fort Deerfield in such a hurry.
Well, I had a little trouble,
but it's all cleared up now.
There. Hey, why worry about my
past? Let's work out our future.
That's our man,
all right.
Going west in a covered wagon.
That's my kind of life.
Blazing new frontiers, facing
danger, privation and death.
Is that my kind of life?
Now, remember, Painless,
you promised to love, honor and protect
me. Let's do it in the order named.
All right, get movin', folks.
We'll get a good early start.
The sooner we get past that Indian
country, the better. Indian country?
Do we have to go that way?
Now, Painless, I'll be with you.
You're not afraid, are you? No.
I can always get
another scalp.
Let's go.
Yeah.
All right, folks,
let's get goin'!
Ya-hoo!
Ya-hoo!
My husband!
We'll take this trail to
the right. Yeah, we better.
That one leads deep into
Indian country. Let's get goin'.
We got a long haul
before night. All right.
# A western ranch
is just a branch #
# Of nowhere junction
to me #
# Gimme the city where
living's pretty #
# And the gals
wear finery #
# East is east
and west is west #
# And the wrong one
I have chose #
# Let's go where
you keep on wearin' #
# Those frills and flowers
and buttons and bows #
# Rings and things
and buttons and bows #
# Don't bury me
in this prairie #
# Take me where
the cement grows #
# Let's move down
to some big town #
# Where they love a gal
by the cut of her clothes #
# And you'll stand out
in buttons and bows #
# I love you in buckskin #
# Or skirts
that you've homespun #
# But I love you longer stronger
where your friends don't tote a gun #
# My bones denounce
the buckboard bounce #
# And the cactus
hurts my toes #
# Let's vamoose
where gals keep usin'#
# Those silks and satins
and linen that shows #
# And you're all mine
in buttons and bows #
# Gimme eastern trimmin'
where women are women #
# In high silk hose
and peekaboo clothes #
# And French perfume
that rocks the room #
# And you're all mine in #
# Bows #
# Buttons and bows #
Shh. Can't you see
she's sleeping?
Come on! Come on, you're
laggin' way behind.
Come on. First chance I get, I'm
tradin' you in for a pair of turtles.
Giddap, Stanislaus.
Come on, Clifton.
All you had to do was follow
the wagon in front of you.
I think were going in the wrong
direction. Maybe this is a shortcut.
Maybe we're way ahead
of them. Oh, shut up.
Yes, ma'am.
I guess we can stay in this house for the
night. We'll get our bearings in the morning.
Night? Morning?
Yes, ma'am.
We're bedding down here for the
night. Take 'em back to the corral.
Hurry. Quickly. Bring
your own blankets. Come on.
Come on, gramps.
We'll help you.
Look what I found, Ma.
Oh Jimmy, keep your hands off of
things. Come on, hurry up, get in.
Is it all right in there?
Pretty good. Come on.
You kids make up
your own beds now.
All right, it's the best
we can do.
Gee, it's dark in here.
I'm scared.
Put that down, Johnny.
Must be the maid's day off.
Mm-hmm.
Looks like a likely
spot. Hey, kraut face.
Ladies first,
then me.
Well, this looks like it.
Alley-oop.
Just think, some day there'll be a sign on
that door, "Painless Potter slept here. "
Well, don't put it up yet.
No, I got my hands full now.
Tomorrow night,
you carry me.
Isn't the moonlight Romantic?
Yeah. Light the candle.
Candle light's
Romantic too.
We don't want
any dust to blow in.
Painless.
Yes?
Would you get me
a drink of cold water, please?
Water? Cold?
Cold water.
Well, that adds up.
All right. If I'm not back in three
minutes, you'll know I fell in the well.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
It's your husband,
darling.
Yoo-hoo.
I'm back, honey.
I got your cold water.
My, your blushing right down to
your little tootsies, aren't ya?
Here you are, cuddles.
There you are.
I'm sorry.
My, but you're
an odd girl.
Gee, I'm glad I picked a wife
with a sense of humor.
Uh, is everything
all right?
My, but you're a muscular
little thing, aren't you?
Those dresses
are awfully deceiving.
Smooth, smooth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to tickle you.
Isn't that sweet? You put
your hair up in braids.
Aw, that's nice.
Come on out, Mrs. Potter.
I know, you're modest. But it's
all right. I'll keep my eyes closed.
Come on, doll.
Ahh.
Now come close to me, wifey.
Come close to me.
Boy, can you kiss!
Wake up.
Oh, good morning, honey.
You got up early.
Start moving. We gotta
get out of here. Yeah?
Say,
I don't know what happened last
night, but thanks for a lovely evening.
Well, you're sure
easy to please.
Boy, I can't get over
your kisses.
Hoo-hoo!
I think I married
a mental case.
Must be a Virginia creeper.
I gotta make myself pretty.
I owe it to the little woman.
Ha!
I'm shavin' too close.
Boy, I'm certainly
a nervous wreck.
It's an arrow.
Someone had to shoot it.
Who shoots arrows? Cupid?
No, it couldn't be Cupid.
William Tell?
No, that's silly. Couldn't
be William Tell. No apple.
Indians. Yeah.
Indians.
Could be... Indians.
Indians! Oh!
Love,
let me in!
Open up! Open up!
Look, it's me!
Oh! They want to make a
pincushion out of me! Open up!
Pick up those guns and take care
of yourself. You're too young to be a widow.
Take care of myself? Look, there's a
million Indians out here against one coward!
I hope they're loaded.
I wish I was too.
I got him!
I think.
It's a cinch. Ha!
There's a pile for you. Ooh!
We was wrong about that dentist.
He's doin' some mighty fancy shootin'.
Bad bullet.
Let's keep it neat.
Don't- -
They started it.
Say, how come you got lost?
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
He saved the whole wagon train!
Yeah, he done it by himself. I never
saw such shootin'. Best shot in the West.
He knowed the Injuns was on your trail, and he
decoyed them away from the rest of the wagon.
I did? Oh, he's right. That's what I
did. I did that. You're a hero, son.
Yeah? You can have my rifle.
Oh, thanks, Dad. I'll knock
off a couple of Indians for you.
He's got eyes
in the back of his head.
My darling. You never said
anything about being a dead shot.
I told you I'd give you
a little information at a time.
On behalf of the wagon
train, I wanna thank you.
You saved an awful
lot olives.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Ladies and
gentlemen, I'd like to say a few words.
Let's get out of here before them
redskins come back. Those are the words.
You lead the way, Doctor. Okay.
Nothin' to be scared of now.
You got the courage of a lion.
Aw, it's nothing. Brave men
run in my family. Hurry up!
- We're off to Buffalo Flats!
- Off to Buffalo Flats! Ya-hoo!
Off to Buffalo Flats!
Ya-hoo!
Off to Buffal- -
Our hero.
# Get a man, get a man
get a man #
# Get a man get a man get a man #
# Get a man get a man get a man #
Oh, Mr. Preston. Come in. Come in.
You come at a most inopportune
time. Boss, we got important news.
I'm sure you have.
Somehow I can always sense when
one of my associates bungles a job.
What have you messed up?
There's a new federal agent
coming in on the wagon train.
Why did you
let him through?
Stranger,
I like you.
And I like you, Red.
Pepper, there's Joe!
Next guy that messes around
my gal gets the same thing!
Wagon train's here!
Eddie, drag
the gentleman out.
What's all the excitement
out in front?
They're giving a welcome
to that guy we told you about.
All right, folks, the biggest hero
that this West has ever seen! Yes, sir.
Hooray!
Please, please, it was nothing.
Anyone could have done it.
Anyone who was strong,
courageous and a dead shot.
Is that our fearless
federal agent?
Don't let his looks fool ya.
He's a cold-blooded murderer.
Calls himself a dentist, Painless
Potter, but that's just a front.
It ain't gonna be easy. He's
got eyes in the back of his head.
But we can put him away. Pepper, do you
think you could learn to love a dentist?
A short romance? I don't
think it'd be too difficult.
I'd like to be
in his shoes.
I wonder what
the cowards are doing.
I'll be out in- -
You and your high heels.
May I please shake your hand?
My little boy wants to touch
you. Oh, no. Easy, girls.
I'm tired. I've been
fighting Indians all day.
But I may give you a moment later.
Don't give up. You're so wonderful.
And keep cheering.
What happened
to the band?
We're proud to have you as our
guest, sir. Very happy to be here.
Mr. And Mrs. Painless Potter
with baggage. Mr. And Mrs. -
Would you like a boy?
Wooo.
Oh, yes, yes.
Boy!
Yes, sir.
Boy? Will you unhitch my horses, feed
'em some hay and have some for yourself?
Thanks. I never touch
the stuff. All right.
Here you are, sir. Thank you. We're
all set. A room with running water.
They got a guy who'll run for it.
Isn't this wonderful? Painless, wait.
You don't want to leave this. I can
wave to them from the window. Come on.
You're just too modest to
understand. You're a legend now.
A hero. A man apart. We've been
apart too long. Come on, honey.
Look outside.
Once that was a forest. Then
it became a trail. Then a town.
And someday, it'll be a city.
That's what I like, progress.
And I'm not makin' any.
Someday, it'll be a city
with a statue of a great man.
And do you know whose statue it'll
be? The guy who invented keys.
Let's use it.
No, no.
It'll be a statue of
Painless Potter. Huh?
And under that statue,
it'll read: "Painless Potter:
"successor to Wild Bill Hickock
and Buffalo Bill Cody.
"The intrepid hero who saved
an entire wagon train...
by killing
11 Indians. "
Twelve.
So you see, dear, that's why it wouldn't be
fair for me to take you away from these people...
and not give them a chance
to express their gratitude.
Yeah, I guess
- hey, wait a minute. What's this all about?
Well, I might as well come clean,
Painless. Our marriage won't work.
You're a hero now.
I'm just a little nobody.
You belong to the people.
This is the end of the road.
We're through.
Through?
Say, what's goin' on here?
You and I just got together-
You might just as well face it,
Painless. It's over. That's all.
Oh.
Oh, this is great.
I give up my career. I bring
you out here on a wagon train.
Save your life
by killing 13 Indians.
Now you're gonna give me
the kiss off. Oh.
Well, you're not
the only dame.
There are a lot of other fish in the
sea and I'm going out and cast some bait.
Good-bye, Painless. That's all
right. If that's the way you feel.
I promise you one thing. You'll come
crawling back to me on your hands and knees!
Do you think I'll be there? Good-bye.
I'll show her.
A fine hero.
Through.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, how'd you like a little conversation
with a hero? I'd be tickled to death.
Follow me.
You Hank Billings?
That's what the sign says.
I just came in
on the wagon train.
Before I left Fort Deerfield, I saw
a friend of yours, name of Hunter.
Jim Hunter.
Seems a shame a man like Hunter getting
killed just so you can play cagey.
Hot trip
from Fort Deerfield.
Come up
and cool off.
Where'd I put
my tobacco?
Now I know why
they sent a woman.
Yep. You know what
you're gettin' into?
You've landed smack-dab
right in the middle...
of the lowest-down skunk of a scheme
they ever smeared across the West.
Landed
feet first too.
I reckon that's how you're
gonna get carried out of it.
Just skip
the big talk.
All right, gal.
Sit down.
Somebody's runnin' guns
into the Indians.
Enough rifles to massacre every
white man in the whole territory.
I can't understand why
they ain't attacked already.
Maybe they're waitin'
for this.
Where'd you get
that dynamite?
Two loads came in
on the wagon train.
Someone's gonna pick it up,
and we got to find out who.
What's your plan?
Whoever killed Jim Hunter found out
there was a federal agent after him.
They didn't know
who it was.
I steered 'em
onto the wrong party.
A husband I picked up in Fort
Deerfield, name of Painless Potter.
They'll kill him, sure.
That's right.
They'll think the federal
agent's dead. Then I can operate.
Hi.
Hi.
Where's the high life
around here?
Right over in the Dirty
Shame Saloon. Spread out.
Isn't he a dandy?
He's a humdinger.
Here he comes,
folks!
Welcome!
Welcome!
Gentlemen!
Gentlemen!
We have a celebrity
in our midst.
It's a rare privilege to shake the hand of the
greatest Indian fighter west of the Mississippi.
You can include
the east, too, son.
Watch it. Watch it. My trigger finger.
I'd consider it an honor
if you would join me.
Heard you, partner.
Heard you.
You were sayin'?
What'll you have,
my friend?
Never mind
the chaser.
Gonna be in town long?
How 'bout a dance?
Now, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Don't fight over me, gals.
I'll be around a while.
Good.
Take it slow. This could become habit for
me. Move in, honey. Don't get shut out.
- Tell us how you did it.
Yes, sir. Stand by.
I may raffle myself
off later.
# This town
ain't big enough #
# The streets ain't long enough
for me to get away from you #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
'bout half-past eight #
# Oh, honey
what we'll do #
# The West ain't rough enough #
# The joints
ain't tough enough #
# To keep me
from the one I crave #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
now don't be late #
# You'll see how
I behave #
# When we're alone, honey #
# You'll be possessin'
my best caressin' #
# I'll be your own honey #
# You're the kind
to make me lose my mind #
# One kiss ain't strong enough
a kiss ain't long enough #
# Gotta kiss you
night and day #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
any old corner #
# Meet ya anytime
you say ho-ho-ho #
# Seein' as you're new here
soon as I'm through here #
# I'll kiss ya in my
own sweet way ho-ho-ho #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
any old corner #
# Meet ya anytime
you say #
You got a cigar
on ya, sister?
Come on, handsome, let's
dance. Take me away.
Look.
Its Joe!
Its Joe!
Don't do it, Joe.
This guy is a killer.
What's the trouble, stranger? I don't
like nobody foolin' around my gal.
Yeah, well,
I got news for ya.
I ain't foolin'.
Now, get.
You ain't scarin' nobody.
This town ain't big enough for you and
me! I'll give you 'til sundown to get out.
That's the usual time,
ain't it?
At sundown, I'll be out
lookin' for you! I'll be waitin'!
And I'll be lookin'.
He plumb riled me.
Four fingers
of red eye.
I always feel like a drink
before a killin'.
The thumb too.
Nothin' stronger,
huh?
The sun's almost down,
honey.
Yeah.
This little doll is just
itchin' for another notch.
Here, wear this
for good luck.
Yeah, but men don't wear these-
oh, yeah, sure, kid. Thanks.
Hey, listen. The man that's
after you just killed my brother.
Here's a tip. He draws from
the left, so lean to the right.
He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.
Son, I'll let you in
on somethin'.
Long towards sunset,
there's a wind from the east,
so you better aim
to the west.
Draws from the left, so lean to the right.
A wind from the east, so aim to the west.
I know this Joe like a book. He crouches
when he shoots, so stand on your toes.
Draws from the left, so lean to the right.
A wind from the east, aim to the west.
He crouches when he shoots,
so stand on your toes. Thanks.
Hey, Mrs. Potter, your
husband's mixed up in a gunfight!
Well, that problem's
taken care of.
He draws from the left,
so stand on your toes.
There's a wind from the east,
better lean to the right.
He crouches when he shoots,
better aim to the west.
He draws from his toes, so lean
towards the wind. Aha! I got it!
Why ya-
Watch it.
Watch it.
Better warm up
a little.
Wind shifted.
Either way,
he wins.
He draws from the wind,
so lean when you stand.
No.
He stands on his crouch
with his toes in the wind.
No.
Pfft!
Shh.
All right, Potter.
Hooray for Painless Potter!
How do ya like that? Tried to fool
me. Didn't crouch with the wind.
What's
the idea?
I nearly made a mistake.
There's an old saying: "When you're
huntin' a mountain lion, stake out a goat. "
Yeah, the lion gets the goat and
- we get the lion.
We had better get rid of the
dynamite. Get a hold of Yellow Feather.
Now you try and find out where
they're hidin' that dynamite.
And I'll round up
our goat.
I'd have got him sooner but
I tripped. There's work for ya.
Stick around,
I'll make you wealthy.
Hurry, boys, I may have
to pose for a statue.
Fooled ya that time,
didn't I?
I have to be a hero.
Oh, you great big, wonderful man. I told
you my garter would bring you good luck.
Oh, thanks. Lucky thing I had a gun too.
How 'bout a great big
smack for Pepper? Well- -
Sounds like
a good idea.
I don't want anybody
foolin' with my man!
I've come back
to you, darlin'.
What's that,
stranger?
I didn't realize how much I loved you
until I saw how brave you were. Forgive me.
Well, you didn't come crawlin' back on
your hands and knees, but I'll weaken.
You may kiss my cheek.
Should we go to our room,
dear? That seems fair.
My arm, Mrs. Potter.
Nah, over here.
That's my shootin' side.
Be right with you,
honey.
There, that ought to
take care of the tourists.
Gee, I never thought I'd find
a girl who would fight over me.
Boy, when you hit her with that right, I
- Remember, I'm on your side.
Why, of course, dear. I'm your
wife. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
Yeah. Come.
Come close to me,
wifey.
Oh, that was delightful!
Let's try another one, huh?
You poor kid. I'm
sorry I had to do that.
What's the matter with me?
I must be gettin' soft.
Hank!
Guns.
Dynamite.
Undertaker's parlor.
You'll find the men that- -
Hank.
Painless!
Painless.
Wake up. Wake up. He crouches
when he shoots, so aim to the- -
Jane. Painless, do you love me?
Oh, I'm
- I'm yours, body and soul.
Will you do anything for me without
asking questions? Naturally, darling.
Well, then listen carefully. There's
dynamite hidden in the undertaker's parlor.
Someone's gonna come callin' for it tonight
and I want you to find out who they are.
Are you tryin' to get
rid of me again?
I can't tell you why now, but
this is important. You must go.
I don't "must" anything. Any girl
would be tickled to be alone...
with a guy who's killed 14
Indians for her, but not you!
Every time we're alone, you try to give
me the heave-ho. Twenty years of my life.
Our whole life together
depends on this. Will you go?
What if I don't? What
then? I couldn't blame you.
But all I can say is that I'm depending on
you more than I depended on anyone else before.
Please. All right. I'll go.
But it's the last time you'll
make a monkey out of me.
And you know that statue you told
me about? Tell them to carve on it...
"Painless Potter:
Schmo. "
I'll be seeing you. You too. Hey, look.
What's that? Some other guy you kissed?
I'll explain later. There's no time
for questions. Please, trust me.
I don't understand this
whole situation- - Please.
All right, I'm goin'. Don't get
the idea that I'm scared or nervous.
Because I'm not.
Who- -
Shh. Shh. Get out of here...
before I sic a mouse on you.
Shh.
Shh.
Hey, they got dynamite-
Joe.
Fool.
Come on, we gotta get this stuff out of
here fast. We're usin' the dentist's wagon...
in case
there's a slipup.
Come on,
hurry it up.
Take it easy.
Reach, you varmints, or
I'll tattoo you the hard way!
Uh-huh. I know all about you and your
dynamite. You were gonna give it to the Indians.
Well, I'm gonna take you down to the sheriff's
office and have a talk about your future.
If any.
Now, get goin'!
Painless Potter
rides again! I- -
And then I found out
that you were captured too.
I'd been meaning to tell you anyway. Hearing
those drums, I figured this was my last chance.
Then it wasn't me
that shot all those Indians?
And I didn't even
shoot Joe?
And any minute
I could have been killed?
Now, I worry.
Sayin' I'm sorry is like spittin'
in your eye, and I'm sayin' it.
Me, a hero?
Boy, I couldn't save a clam
from a bowl of chowder.
I bet I handed you a lot of laughs.
What a sucker I've been. What a boob.
There ain't low enough words
for what I've done to you.
There are now. I just thought
of a couple of new ones.
And all the time, I thought you were about
the finest thing that ever came into my life.
That's what sticks
in my craw.
Painless.
What now?
There's one more thing
I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you that I love
you. What's this, another laugh?
No. I think youre the kindest,
bravest man I've ever known.
Oh, sure.
And I want to tell you this now because...
we may not get out of this alive.
Yeah, well, if it
hadn't been for you-
Well, what do you know.
What's the matter?
No stars.
Hoo!
Maybe he's-
Hey!
What's the matter? You trying to
dirty my scalp even before you get it?
How.
Not so good.
Me Yellow Feather.
Me chief of tribe.
Me greet
paleface warrior.
Oh! Well, I think you got
the wrong person. She's the-
Yeah. Me very big
paleface warrior.
You strong here.
Yeah, heap big heap.
Paleface more brave
than all white warriors.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Yellow Feather know
you kill 11 his best braves.
Fifteen! Painless, tell him the truth.
Eleven.
That's not what I mean.
Yellow Feather, he didn't have
anything to do with this. I got him-
Ho gon se!
Let her breathe.
Paleface warrior
get much praise.
My tribe
make big honor.
Fine!
Ga on wah sa ah.
Yellow Feather, please! No,
not that! Not to him! Huh?
How!
Yeah, I'll let you know.
I don't know what he said, but it didn't
sound like he was inviting me to a picnic.
What did he say? I'd
rather not talk about it.
Yeah, but I don't like surprises.
Am I gonna get shot by arrows?
Burned at the stake? Boiled
in a pot? Am I getting warm?
Painless, can you take
it? No, but tell me anyway.
Well, with Indians, the bigger hero
you are, the greater the torture.
Yeah, but... what can
they do? What's left?
Well- -
Two trees.
They bend one tree down. Then
they bend the other tree down.
And they tie one of your
legs to this tree. Mine?
And they tie your
other leg to this tree.
Then,
they cut the ropes.
That's me?
If I were a chicken bone,
I could make a wish.
At a time like this,
he has to be off-key.
Don't pull,
you'll get your half.
Soh goth to naugh hon
yah! That's your story.
I think it's time I told you,
I'm not this brave.
Just think, I'll be traveling
east and west at the same time.
Painless!
Painless.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
Maybe in the next world you'll meet two
nice fellas. Look close, they'll both be me.
Let's be fair.
Gee nah!
Ge a deck a da wa!
Nejen eh saw!
Pe ko me Ken!
Wapato medicine bad.
Shame us
with white squaw.
Go. You will not come back.
Ne wah!
Ne wah!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help. Help.
Help. Help.
I better get goin'.
Jane! She's still there. And
it's up to me to save her.
Hold it, impulsive. If those Indians
grab you, you know what'll happen to you.
We don't like that, do we?
What are you, a man or mouse?
I'm not a mouse and I'm not a man. I'm
a dentist. Yeah, but the girl loves you.
Yeah. Yeah,
and I love her too.
But if they get me, my life
won't be worth a plug nickel.
What'll your life
be worth without her?
Oh, now don't get sentimental with
me. Let's look at it logically.
If I go back, those Indians will part my
hair down to my toes. How can that help Jane?
Suit yourself. If you think you
can spend those long evenings...
just thinkin' about how you might have
saved her, it's all right with me.
Oh, stop, stop. I'll go. But don't forget,
I'll always hate you for being stubborn.
Besides, I have to pick up
my other boot.
How! How.
You like to trade? Clothes?
Me take those, huh? Like that?
Why, you!
I got him! I got
him! Ya-hoo-hoo!
How. How. How.
Well, Chief, this completes
our part of the bargain.
You bring long rifles,
dynamite?
An ample supply. All
is in order. Esta exsa.
You low-down, stinkin', coyote!
You're the one I've been lookin' for.
Hold her!
Well- -
That's your federal agent.
What are you gonna do with her?
Burn. Take more than a
governor's pardon to save you now.
Esta exsa!
Come. We talk.
Hubby-hubby.
Hubby-hubby.
# East is east
please don't cry #
# This is your hubby
Painless #
Hubby-hubby.
Hubby-hubby.
Medicine man
come back!
Burn him. Burn him
with white squaw.
Ojesa!
Wapato! Wapato!
Wapato! Wapato!
Wapato!
Wapato.
Ojesta!
Ojesta! Ojesta!
Hey!
Ojesta!
You don't know what you're
doing. Don't worry, I'll save ya.
Who they gonna burn over
there? The medicine man.
Serves him right for practicing
without a license. Ya-hoo!
I got 'em fooled, all right. They think youre
the medicine man they're gonna burn.
Ya!
Ye- ye-
Me?
Don't move.
I'll try to lead 'em away.
Something might work out.
Ojesta!
Ojesta!
Ojesta! Ojesta!
What's the matter
with you?
Why, you crazy Indian!
Sorry, ma'am.
How.
Didn't I tell you
I'd save you.
Boy, it smells like somebody's
been cooking cauliflower in here.
Come on, get out of
here. I'll see ya around.
Jago mick we!
Hey, fellas,
wait for me!
Wa-hoo!
Grab a rifle
and start shootin'!
Yeah.
Give me
one of those guns!
Yes, ma'am. Here, take any size
you want, honey. Why, we'll get-
Get back! It's not safe! Yes, ma'am.
They're walkin'
right into our trap.
A billiard!
Pretty tricky,
those foreigners.
Where's my rifle?
They wanted dynamite, huh?
Well, I'll give it to 'em.
Must've been a dud.
Hey, faster!
They're gaining on us!
Hey, get up in front!
You're supposed to be pullin'!
Hey!
Jump, Painless!
If I jump, I'll get
killed! But the dynamite!
Rigor mortis,
here I come!
Get Martin
off that wagon!
That's the last
of 'em.
Darn it! There goes my dental diploma.
Here they come now!
Don't get excited. I'll be back
in a year or so. Don't worry.
Our hero! Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Potter.
Silly girl. You gotta
expect this kind of thing.
Let's not overdo it. I know I
deserve it, but... steady, men.
Take it out
of the bags, fellas.
Honey, I'll drive. Yeah,
you drive and I'll watch.
Finally going on your
honeymoon? Am I! Ya-hoo!
What do you want,
a happy ending?
thanks. I'm goin' this way.
You're comin'
with us!
Calamity Jane.
All right, boys.
Wait outside.
Jane, I'm Governor Johnson. This is
commissioner of Indian affairs, Mr. Emerson...
and his secretary,
Mr. Martin.
I'll come right to the point.
We staged that jailbreak.
We wanted it to look as
if your friends broke you out.
We have a job for you which
requires absolute secrecy.
How 'bout that point
you were comin' to?
A group of white renegades is
smuggling guns to the Indians.
We've got to find out who they are
before we have an Indian war on our hands.
Six months ago we sent two of our best agents.
Their bodies were found horribly mutilated.
We thought we'd send a woman. A
woman who can take care of herself.
Like me, for instance?
Yes, Jane, like you.
We need your help
desperately.
What's the price tag
on this?
Jane, you're facing a
jail sentence of ten years.
You get those men for us, and we'll
give you a pardon. A full pardon.
Gentlemen, I'd like to go on record
as saying we can't trust this, this-
Criminal.
I think we can.
Here's proof
of my confidence.
Well, it's mighty nice
of you. Reach!
Thanks for the drink,
Governor.
Jane, outside that window
there's no pardon.
Unless you help us, the West will be
graced with the blood of white settlers.
Thousands olives.
Women and children.
You could stand
a little practice, son.
I'll take a look
at that pardon.
Keep talkin'. You'll
take the stage tonight.
At Fort Deerfield, contact
a lawyer named Jim Hunter.
There's a wagon train going west. You'll
join it. Hunter will pose as your husband.
As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.
You'll get further instructions from
Hunter. We're dependin' on you, Jane.
I'm depending on you.
And I wouldn't advise you
to cross me up, gents.
So she finally
agreed to go.
She'll be traveling as a lady,
but she's a killer.
A dead shot.
I found that out.
We'll get her. But get her when you're
sure she can't beat you to the draw.
Mr. Hunter.
Mr. Hunter.
Take a seat over there, dearie.
There'll be one ready in a minute.
Now, we'll take a- if you don't
mind my telling you, it's the one-
Please, no clues.
You'll spoil all the fun.
Pardon me.
One can detect an ailing tooth by the dull
sound that comes from it when struck by a hammer.
Hmm, that seems logical.
Yeah, here we go, please.
Ahh.
Ah, that's it!
There's the little doll
right there. Now, we'll jus-
Stand by.
After discovering the ailing tooth, the
next thing is to drill away the decay.
It doesn't seem logical,
but I'm game.
Well... now.
Open. Open wide.
This won't hurt us
a bit.
Where'd you go?
Steady now.
Wide.
Where's the guy who calls
himself a painless dentist?
Hey, I got a tooth that's
killing me. Sit down, you're next.
I'll sit down.
Uh, uh. Oh, that's
what I say, you're next.
That'll be two dollars, please.
Never mind the two dollars.
Thanks. You're welcome. Hey.
Hurry up!
Open wide.
That's a happy
little dungeon.
Hmm.
Hmm.
There's an echo in here.
Well, now-
Never mind about that. When a
tooth's no good, you pull it!
Please, I'm the dentist.
I know what I'm doing.
What do you know,
he's right.
Well, now.
All right, open wide.
Oh.
It's all right.
We'll get right into
the important stuff here.
Real wide now. Get something
- I thought you were gonna pull it.
Well, I have to dig a little
toehold for the pliers.
This won't hurt us at all.
Just-
Please, no singing.
Got a tonsil. I'm sorry.
Hmm?
Ah, got hair on the
inside too. There you are.
Nothing to it at all. Starting
to burn a little wood here.
Steady now.
We're getting warm. There
you are. There you are.
Now, if you just-
Wha- -
Would you mind moving your tongue over a
little? I didn't think you were that tough.
Let me see here.
Ah, ah, ah, don't swallow
it. Don't swallow it, please.
That's funny. I have one
just like it. I- Oh.
Hungry little thing, you.
I wa- -
Well.
So that's what
Horace Greeley meant.
I'll be with you in a minute. You've got
just the kind of mouth I'd like to work on.
I- -
Listen, weasel!
I came here to get
a tooth pulled. This one.
The one next to the gold one.
Sawy? I know. We'll find it.
Don't worry about a thing. It's a
cinch. We'll get to it sooner or later.
I'm a very sensitive man.
Don't hurt me. Just relax.
What's that? It's laughing gas. That's
why they call me Painless Potter.
I use it on all my patients. Is it safe?
Safest thing in the world! Would
you mind paying me now? Come on!
The one next to the gold one. Okay.
Is it coming through?
Feel anything?
Hmm? Must be a leak around here.
Is it doing it to you?
Huh?
Bye-bye.
Come on, dearie.
You're next.
What do you know,
I pulled the wrong tooth.
I got the one
with the nugget in it.
So you pulled
the wrong tooth.
How about that!
I'm gonna give you just 15
minutes to get out of town.
Last town they gave me
20 minutes.
And that scooped-nose quack
pulled the wrong tooth.
She can't take a bath
with her guns on. Come on.
Will somebody come in here
and scrub my back?
Put it in number four.
This is the ladies' side. Come
on, come on, get out of here.
You lookin'
for someone?
Who did the shooting?
Who are they? Never saw them before.
They must be strangers.
Look out! Look out!
I wonder who did
the shooting.
It's Lance! He's still alive.
Anybody got any whiskey?
Dad's got some.
Yeah, here.
Lance.
Doc, get up!
Get up!
Say, I must be running out of
customers. I'm pullin' my own teeth.
Oh, get up, Doc, hurry!
They're shootin' upstairs! Huh?
Come on and do something! Shootin'?
I'll do something all right.
I'm outta here. I'm goin' back east where men
may not be men but they're not corpses either.
I've had enough.
Don't give
your right names.
Warm up, kids.
We're movin' again.
Federal agent
joinin'...
wagon train,
Buffalo Flats.
Giddyap.
Get me out of this.
Ha!
Hey. Wait, I've been chased by women
before but not while I was awake.
I'll take over now! Yeah, you drive
a while. Who wants to watch the road?
I'm gonna join that wagon train.
Come on! Head 'em any way you like.
What am I sayin'? That's Indian
country. You're not afraid of Indians?
It's not the Indians, it's their
attitudes. They're hatchet happy.
I'm headin' back home, Washington,
D.C. I'm gonna join that wagon train.
You can't join 'em
without a wagon.
Make up your mind.
Are you going with me?
You got yourself
a traveling companion.
Keep traveling.
Boy, can you kiss!
Sorry I had to do that, son,
but this is a big job.
There's a wagon train going
west. You'll both join it.
Hunter will pose
as your husband.
It's not speed that we're
interested in, it's secrecy.
As man and wife, you'll be lost
in the crowd on that wagon train.
You wouldn't let a girl go on
a wagon train alone, would you?
Painless, you're just the man
I've been hoping to meet.
Painless, there's something
about you that appeals to me.
Wake up, stupid.
I'm proposing to you.
I'm in love with you.
I said,
I'm in love with you.
And I want to marry you.
Come on.
What's goin' on? Why,
sure, I'll marry you, dear.
Huh?
I knew the moment your lips touched
mine that we were meant for each other.
Oh, you did?
Let me hear you say it again.
Tell me you'll marry me.
Me?
Tell me you'll marry me.
The way you kiss,
how can I refuse?
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
The ring, please.
The wedding ring is a token of the
solemn vows you have just taken.
This ring is a symbol of your
affection, sincerity and fidelity.
Ah! At last. And now, the kiss.
Not me, you fool!
Her!
Well, howdy, folks. Welcome.
Uh, what's your handle?
Mr. And Mrs. Painless
Peter Potter. I'm Mr.
Glad to have you with us. Yeah,
just make yourselves to home, folks.
Oh, thank you.
I'll unhitch the horses
and then we can... talk?
Well, I'll unhitch
the horses.
Come on, lets play
hide-and-seek.
Hey,Jimmy, where are ya?
Here I am!
Look!
What are you tryin' to do?
Blow yourself up-
Shut up! Go on, you kids.
Get outta here.
I told you to keep that canvas
lashed down tight.
Good thing
he didn't see it.
Uh-huh. Just as I thought. That
wisdom tooth has gotta come out.
He don't look like
no federal agent to me.
But that's the wagon that left
town right after the killin'.
I can see you 10:30,
Tuesday.
Painless.
That's my wife.
A filly to you.
From now on, I probably won't
have a minute to myself. Painless.
Yes? Oh, what are you doing to
that poor girl, you glorious beast?
Yes, darling. Would you loosen
my stays a little, honey?
Well, it's not my regular work, but I
- Here, maybe I can work it out better this way.
Now you can't do it like
that! Well, it was an idea.
Say, they're rugged, aren't
they? Made of whalebone.
Just call me
Moby Dick.
Hey, you know,
it's a funny thing.
We've been married two hours and this
is the closest I've gotten to you.
Well, you're so strong, silent
and unapproachable. You wanna bet?
Tell me something about
yourself. You seem so mysterious.
All I know is that you
came from Washington, D.C.
I'm sure there are a lot
of things you haven't told me.
I'll unload a little information at a time.
That's the way to keep a girl interested.
Who tied these for ya,
a sailor?
And another thing, you never told me why
you left Fort Deerfield in such a hurry.
Well, I had a little trouble,
but it's all cleared up now.
There. Hey, why worry about my
past? Let's work out our future.
That's our man,
all right.
Going west in a covered wagon.
That's my kind of life.
Blazing new frontiers, facing
danger, privation and death.
Is that my kind of life?
Now, remember, Painless,
you promised to love, honor and protect
me. Let's do it in the order named.
All right, get movin', folks.
We'll get a good early start.
The sooner we get past that Indian
country, the better. Indian country?
Do we have to go that way?
Now, Painless, I'll be with you.
You're not afraid, are you? No.
I can always get
another scalp.
Let's go.
Yeah.
All right, folks,
let's get goin'!
Ya-hoo!
Ya-hoo!
My husband!
We'll take this trail to
the right. Yeah, we better.
That one leads deep into
Indian country. Let's get goin'.
We got a long haul
before night. All right.
# A western ranch
is just a branch #
# Of nowhere junction
to me #
# Gimme the city where
living's pretty #
# And the gals
wear finery #
# East is east
and west is west #
# And the wrong one
I have chose #
# Let's go where
you keep on wearin' #
# Those frills and flowers
and buttons and bows #
# Rings and things
and buttons and bows #
# Don't bury me
in this prairie #
# Take me where
the cement grows #
# Let's move down
to some big town #
# Where they love a gal
by the cut of her clothes #
# And you'll stand out
in buttons and bows #
# I love you in buckskin #
# Or skirts
that you've homespun #
# But I love you longer stronger
where your friends don't tote a gun #
# My bones denounce
the buckboard bounce #
# And the cactus
hurts my toes #
# Let's vamoose
where gals keep usin'#
# Those silks and satins
and linen that shows #
# And you're all mine
in buttons and bows #
# Gimme eastern trimmin'
where women are women #
# In high silk hose
and peekaboo clothes #
# And French perfume
that rocks the room #
# And you're all mine in #
# Bows #
# Buttons and bows #
Shh. Can't you see
she's sleeping?
Come on! Come on, you're
laggin' way behind.
Come on. First chance I get, I'm
tradin' you in for a pair of turtles.
Giddap, Stanislaus.
Come on, Clifton.
All you had to do was follow
the wagon in front of you.
I think were going in the wrong
direction. Maybe this is a shortcut.
Maybe we're way ahead
of them. Oh, shut up.
Yes, ma'am.
I guess we can stay in this house for the
night. We'll get our bearings in the morning.
Night? Morning?
Yes, ma'am.
We're bedding down here for the
night. Take 'em back to the corral.
Hurry. Quickly. Bring
your own blankets. Come on.
Come on, gramps.
We'll help you.
Look what I found, Ma.
Oh Jimmy, keep your hands off of
things. Come on, hurry up, get in.
Is it all right in there?
Pretty good. Come on.
You kids make up
your own beds now.
All right, it's the best
we can do.
Gee, it's dark in here.
I'm scared.
Put that down, Johnny.
Must be the maid's day off.
Mm-hmm.
Looks like a likely
spot. Hey, kraut face.
Ladies first,
then me.
Well, this looks like it.
Alley-oop.
Just think, some day there'll be a sign on
that door, "Painless Potter slept here. "
Well, don't put it up yet.
No, I got my hands full now.
Tomorrow night,
you carry me.
Isn't the moonlight Romantic?
Yeah. Light the candle.
Candle light's
Romantic too.
We don't want
any dust to blow in.
Painless.
Yes?
Would you get me
a drink of cold water, please?
Water? Cold?
Cold water.
Well, that adds up.
All right. If I'm not back in three
minutes, you'll know I fell in the well.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
It's your husband,
darling.
Yoo-hoo.
I'm back, honey.
I got your cold water.
My, your blushing right down to
your little tootsies, aren't ya?
Here you are, cuddles.
There you are.
I'm sorry.
My, but you're
an odd girl.
Gee, I'm glad I picked a wife
with a sense of humor.
Uh, is everything
all right?
My, but you're a muscular
little thing, aren't you?
Those dresses
are awfully deceiving.
Smooth, smooth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to tickle you.
Isn't that sweet? You put
your hair up in braids.
Aw, that's nice.
Come on out, Mrs. Potter.
I know, you're modest. But it's
all right. I'll keep my eyes closed.
Come on, doll.
Ahh.
Now come close to me, wifey.
Come close to me.
Boy, can you kiss!
Wake up.
Oh, good morning, honey.
You got up early.
Start moving. We gotta
get out of here. Yeah?
Say,
I don't know what happened last
night, but thanks for a lovely evening.
Well, you're sure
easy to please.
Boy, I can't get over
your kisses.
Hoo-hoo!
I think I married
a mental case.
Must be a Virginia creeper.
I gotta make myself pretty.
I owe it to the little woman.
Ha!
I'm shavin' too close.
Boy, I'm certainly
a nervous wreck.
It's an arrow.
Someone had to shoot it.
Who shoots arrows? Cupid?
No, it couldn't be Cupid.
William Tell?
No, that's silly. Couldn't
be William Tell. No apple.
Indians. Yeah.
Indians.
Could be... Indians.
Indians! Oh!
Love,
let me in!
Open up! Open up!
Look, it's me!
Oh! They want to make a
pincushion out of me! Open up!
Pick up those guns and take care
of yourself. You're too young to be a widow.
Take care of myself? Look, there's a
million Indians out here against one coward!
I hope they're loaded.
I wish I was too.
I got him!
I think.
It's a cinch. Ha!
There's a pile for you. Ooh!
We was wrong about that dentist.
He's doin' some mighty fancy shootin'.
Bad bullet.
Let's keep it neat.
Don't- -
They started it.
Say, how come you got lost?
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
He saved the whole wagon train!
Yeah, he done it by himself. I never
saw such shootin'. Best shot in the West.
He knowed the Injuns was on your trail, and he
decoyed them away from the rest of the wagon.
I did? Oh, he's right. That's what I
did. I did that. You're a hero, son.
Yeah? You can have my rifle.
Oh, thanks, Dad. I'll knock
off a couple of Indians for you.
He's got eyes
in the back of his head.
My darling. You never said
anything about being a dead shot.
I told you I'd give you
a little information at a time.
On behalf of the wagon
train, I wanna thank you.
You saved an awful
lot olives.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Ladies and
gentlemen, I'd like to say a few words.
Let's get out of here before them
redskins come back. Those are the words.
You lead the way, Doctor. Okay.
Nothin' to be scared of now.
You got the courage of a lion.
Aw, it's nothing. Brave men
run in my family. Hurry up!
- We're off to Buffalo Flats!
- Off to Buffalo Flats! Ya-hoo!
Off to Buffalo Flats!
Ya-hoo!
Off to Buffal- -
Our hero.
# Get a man, get a man
get a man #
# Get a man get a man get a man #
# Get a man get a man get a man #
Oh, Mr. Preston. Come in. Come in.
You come at a most inopportune
time. Boss, we got important news.
I'm sure you have.
Somehow I can always sense when
one of my associates bungles a job.
What have you messed up?
There's a new federal agent
coming in on the wagon train.
Why did you
let him through?
Stranger,
I like you.
And I like you, Red.
Pepper, there's Joe!
Next guy that messes around
my gal gets the same thing!
Wagon train's here!
Eddie, drag
the gentleman out.
What's all the excitement
out in front?
They're giving a welcome
to that guy we told you about.
All right, folks, the biggest hero
that this West has ever seen! Yes, sir.
Hooray!
Please, please, it was nothing.
Anyone could have done it.
Anyone who was strong,
courageous and a dead shot.
Is that our fearless
federal agent?
Don't let his looks fool ya.
He's a cold-blooded murderer.
Calls himself a dentist, Painless
Potter, but that's just a front.
It ain't gonna be easy. He's
got eyes in the back of his head.
But we can put him away. Pepper, do you
think you could learn to love a dentist?
A short romance? I don't
think it'd be too difficult.
I'd like to be
in his shoes.
I wonder what
the cowards are doing.
I'll be out in- -
You and your high heels.
May I please shake your hand?
My little boy wants to touch
you. Oh, no. Easy, girls.
I'm tired. I've been
fighting Indians all day.
But I may give you a moment later.
Don't give up. You're so wonderful.
And keep cheering.
What happened
to the band?
We're proud to have you as our
guest, sir. Very happy to be here.
Mr. And Mrs. Painless Potter
with baggage. Mr. And Mrs. -
Would you like a boy?
Wooo.
Oh, yes, yes.
Boy!
Yes, sir.
Boy? Will you unhitch my horses, feed
'em some hay and have some for yourself?
Thanks. I never touch
the stuff. All right.
Here you are, sir. Thank you. We're
all set. A room with running water.
They got a guy who'll run for it.
Isn't this wonderful? Painless, wait.
You don't want to leave this. I can
wave to them from the window. Come on.
You're just too modest to
understand. You're a legend now.
A hero. A man apart. We've been
apart too long. Come on, honey.
Look outside.
Once that was a forest. Then
it became a trail. Then a town.
And someday, it'll be a city.
That's what I like, progress.
And I'm not makin' any.
Someday, it'll be a city
with a statue of a great man.
And do you know whose statue it'll
be? The guy who invented keys.
Let's use it.
No, no.
It'll be a statue of
Painless Potter. Huh?
And under that statue,
it'll read: "Painless Potter:
"successor to Wild Bill Hickock
and Buffalo Bill Cody.
"The intrepid hero who saved
an entire wagon train...
by killing
11 Indians. "
Twelve.
So you see, dear, that's why it wouldn't be
fair for me to take you away from these people...
and not give them a chance
to express their gratitude.
Yeah, I guess
- hey, wait a minute. What's this all about?
Well, I might as well come clean,
Painless. Our marriage won't work.
You're a hero now.
I'm just a little nobody.
You belong to the people.
This is the end of the road.
We're through.
Through?
Say, what's goin' on here?
You and I just got together-
You might just as well face it,
Painless. It's over. That's all.
Oh.
Oh, this is great.
I give up my career. I bring
you out here on a wagon train.
Save your life
by killing 13 Indians.
Now you're gonna give me
the kiss off. Oh.
Well, you're not
the only dame.
There are a lot of other fish in the
sea and I'm going out and cast some bait.
Good-bye, Painless. That's all
right. If that's the way you feel.
I promise you one thing. You'll come
crawling back to me on your hands and knees!
Do you think I'll be there? Good-bye.
I'll show her.
A fine hero.
Through.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, how'd you like a little conversation
with a hero? I'd be tickled to death.
Follow me.
You Hank Billings?
That's what the sign says.
I just came in
on the wagon train.
Before I left Fort Deerfield, I saw
a friend of yours, name of Hunter.
Jim Hunter.
Seems a shame a man like Hunter getting
killed just so you can play cagey.
Hot trip
from Fort Deerfield.
Come up
and cool off.
Where'd I put
my tobacco?
Now I know why
they sent a woman.
Yep. You know what
you're gettin' into?
You've landed smack-dab
right in the middle...
of the lowest-down skunk of a scheme
they ever smeared across the West.
Landed
feet first too.
I reckon that's how you're
gonna get carried out of it.
Just skip
the big talk.
All right, gal.
Sit down.
Somebody's runnin' guns
into the Indians.
Enough rifles to massacre every
white man in the whole territory.
I can't understand why
they ain't attacked already.
Maybe they're waitin'
for this.
Where'd you get
that dynamite?
Two loads came in
on the wagon train.
Someone's gonna pick it up,
and we got to find out who.
What's your plan?
Whoever killed Jim Hunter found out
there was a federal agent after him.
They didn't know
who it was.
I steered 'em
onto the wrong party.
A husband I picked up in Fort
Deerfield, name of Painless Potter.
They'll kill him, sure.
That's right.
They'll think the federal
agent's dead. Then I can operate.
Hi.
Hi.
Where's the high life
around here?
Right over in the Dirty
Shame Saloon. Spread out.
Isn't he a dandy?
He's a humdinger.
Here he comes,
folks!
Welcome!
Welcome!
Gentlemen!
Gentlemen!
We have a celebrity
in our midst.
It's a rare privilege to shake the hand of the
greatest Indian fighter west of the Mississippi.
You can include
the east, too, son.
Watch it. Watch it. My trigger finger.
I'd consider it an honor
if you would join me.
Heard you, partner.
Heard you.
You were sayin'?
What'll you have,
my friend?
Never mind
the chaser.
Gonna be in town long?
How 'bout a dance?
Now, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Don't fight over me, gals.
I'll be around a while.
Good.
Take it slow. This could become habit for
me. Move in, honey. Don't get shut out.
- Tell us how you did it.
Yes, sir. Stand by.
I may raffle myself
off later.
# This town
ain't big enough #
# The streets ain't long enough
for me to get away from you #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
'bout half-past eight #
# Oh, honey
what we'll do #
# The West ain't rough enough #
# The joints
ain't tough enough #
# To keep me
from the one I crave #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
now don't be late #
# You'll see how
I behave #
# When we're alone, honey #
# You'll be possessin'
my best caressin' #
# I'll be your own honey #
# You're the kind
to make me lose my mind #
# One kiss ain't strong enough
a kiss ain't long enough #
# Gotta kiss you
night and day #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
any old corner #
# Meet ya anytime
you say ho-ho-ho #
# Seein' as you're new here
soon as I'm through here #
# I'll kiss ya in my
own sweet way ho-ho-ho #
# Meet ya 'round the corner
any old corner #
# Meet ya anytime
you say #
You got a cigar
on ya, sister?
Come on, handsome, let's
dance. Take me away.
Look.
Its Joe!
Its Joe!
Don't do it, Joe.
This guy is a killer.
What's the trouble, stranger? I don't
like nobody foolin' around my gal.
Yeah, well,
I got news for ya.
I ain't foolin'.
Now, get.
You ain't scarin' nobody.
This town ain't big enough for you and
me! I'll give you 'til sundown to get out.
That's the usual time,
ain't it?
At sundown, I'll be out
lookin' for you! I'll be waitin'!
And I'll be lookin'.
He plumb riled me.
Four fingers
of red eye.
I always feel like a drink
before a killin'.
The thumb too.
Nothin' stronger,
huh?
The sun's almost down,
honey.
Yeah.
This little doll is just
itchin' for another notch.
Here, wear this
for good luck.
Yeah, but men don't wear these-
oh, yeah, sure, kid. Thanks.
Hey, listen. The man that's
after you just killed my brother.
Here's a tip. He draws from
the left, so lean to the right.
He draws from the left,
so lean to the right.
Son, I'll let you in
on somethin'.
Long towards sunset,
there's a wind from the east,
so you better aim
to the west.
Draws from the left, so lean to the right.
A wind from the east, so aim to the west.
I know this Joe like a book. He crouches
when he shoots, so stand on your toes.
Draws from the left, so lean to the right.
A wind from the east, aim to the west.
He crouches when he shoots,
so stand on your toes. Thanks.
Hey, Mrs. Potter, your
husband's mixed up in a gunfight!
Well, that problem's
taken care of.
He draws from the left,
so stand on your toes.
There's a wind from the east,
better lean to the right.
He crouches when he shoots,
better aim to the west.
He draws from his toes, so lean
towards the wind. Aha! I got it!
Why ya-
Watch it.
Watch it.
Better warm up
a little.
Wind shifted.
Either way,
he wins.
He draws from the wind,
so lean when you stand.
No.
He stands on his crouch
with his toes in the wind.
No.
Pfft!
Shh.
All right, Potter.
Hooray for Painless Potter!
How do ya like that? Tried to fool
me. Didn't crouch with the wind.
What's
the idea?
I nearly made a mistake.
There's an old saying: "When you're
huntin' a mountain lion, stake out a goat. "
Yeah, the lion gets the goat and
- we get the lion.
We had better get rid of the
dynamite. Get a hold of Yellow Feather.
Now you try and find out where
they're hidin' that dynamite.
And I'll round up
our goat.
I'd have got him sooner but
I tripped. There's work for ya.
Stick around,
I'll make you wealthy.
Hurry, boys, I may have
to pose for a statue.
Fooled ya that time,
didn't I?
I have to be a hero.
Oh, you great big, wonderful man. I told
you my garter would bring you good luck.
Oh, thanks. Lucky thing I had a gun too.
How 'bout a great big
smack for Pepper? Well- -
Sounds like
a good idea.
I don't want anybody
foolin' with my man!
I've come back
to you, darlin'.
What's that,
stranger?
I didn't realize how much I loved you
until I saw how brave you were. Forgive me.
Well, you didn't come crawlin' back on
your hands and knees, but I'll weaken.
You may kiss my cheek.
Should we go to our room,
dear? That seems fair.
My arm, Mrs. Potter.
Nah, over here.
That's my shootin' side.
Be right with you,
honey.
There, that ought to
take care of the tourists.
Gee, I never thought I'd find
a girl who would fight over me.
Boy, when you hit her with that right, I
- Remember, I'm on your side.
Why, of course, dear. I'm your
wife. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
Yeah. Come.
Come close to me,
wifey.
Oh, that was delightful!
Let's try another one, huh?
You poor kid. I'm
sorry I had to do that.
What's the matter with me?
I must be gettin' soft.
Hank!
Guns.
Dynamite.
Undertaker's parlor.
You'll find the men that- -
Hank.
Painless!
Painless.
Wake up. Wake up. He crouches
when he shoots, so aim to the- -
Jane. Painless, do you love me?
Oh, I'm
- I'm yours, body and soul.
Will you do anything for me without
asking questions? Naturally, darling.
Well, then listen carefully. There's
dynamite hidden in the undertaker's parlor.
Someone's gonna come callin' for it tonight
and I want you to find out who they are.
Are you tryin' to get
rid of me again?
I can't tell you why now, but
this is important. You must go.
I don't "must" anything. Any girl
would be tickled to be alone...
with a guy who's killed 14
Indians for her, but not you!
Every time we're alone, you try to give
me the heave-ho. Twenty years of my life.
Our whole life together
depends on this. Will you go?
What if I don't? What
then? I couldn't blame you.
But all I can say is that I'm depending on
you more than I depended on anyone else before.
Please. All right. I'll go.
But it's the last time you'll
make a monkey out of me.
And you know that statue you told
me about? Tell them to carve on it...
"Painless Potter:
Schmo. "
I'll be seeing you. You too. Hey, look.
What's that? Some other guy you kissed?
I'll explain later. There's no time
for questions. Please, trust me.
I don't understand this
whole situation- - Please.
All right, I'm goin'. Don't get
the idea that I'm scared or nervous.
Because I'm not.
Who- -
Shh. Shh. Get out of here...
before I sic a mouse on you.
Shh.
Shh.
Hey, they got dynamite-
Joe.
Fool.
Come on, we gotta get this stuff out of
here fast. We're usin' the dentist's wagon...
in case
there's a slipup.
Come on,
hurry it up.
Take it easy.
Reach, you varmints, or
I'll tattoo you the hard way!
Uh-huh. I know all about you and your
dynamite. You were gonna give it to the Indians.
Well, I'm gonna take you down to the sheriff's
office and have a talk about your future.
If any.
Now, get goin'!
Painless Potter
rides again! I- -
And then I found out
that you were captured too.
I'd been meaning to tell you anyway. Hearing
those drums, I figured this was my last chance.
Then it wasn't me
that shot all those Indians?
And I didn't even
shoot Joe?
And any minute
I could have been killed?
Now, I worry.
Sayin' I'm sorry is like spittin'
in your eye, and I'm sayin' it.
Me, a hero?
Boy, I couldn't save a clam
from a bowl of chowder.
I bet I handed you a lot of laughs.
What a sucker I've been. What a boob.
There ain't low enough words
for what I've done to you.
There are now. I just thought
of a couple of new ones.
And all the time, I thought you were about
the finest thing that ever came into my life.
That's what sticks
in my craw.
Painless.
What now?
There's one more thing
I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you that I love
you. What's this, another laugh?
No. I think youre the kindest,
bravest man I've ever known.
Oh, sure.
And I want to tell you this now because...
we may not get out of this alive.
Yeah, well, if it
hadn't been for you-
Well, what do you know.
What's the matter?
No stars.
Hoo!
Maybe he's-
Hey!
What's the matter? You trying to
dirty my scalp even before you get it?
How.
Not so good.
Me Yellow Feather.
Me chief of tribe.
Me greet
paleface warrior.
Oh! Well, I think you got
the wrong person. She's the-
Yeah. Me very big
paleface warrior.
You strong here.
Yeah, heap big heap.
Paleface more brave
than all white warriors.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Yellow Feather know
you kill 11 his best braves.
Fifteen! Painless, tell him the truth.
Eleven.
That's not what I mean.
Yellow Feather, he didn't have
anything to do with this. I got him-
Ho gon se!
Let her breathe.
Paleface warrior
get much praise.
My tribe
make big honor.
Fine!
Ga on wah sa ah.
Yellow Feather, please! No,
not that! Not to him! Huh?
How!
Yeah, I'll let you know.
I don't know what he said, but it didn't
sound like he was inviting me to a picnic.
What did he say? I'd
rather not talk about it.
Yeah, but I don't like surprises.
Am I gonna get shot by arrows?
Burned at the stake? Boiled
in a pot? Am I getting warm?
Painless, can you take
it? No, but tell me anyway.
Well, with Indians, the bigger hero
you are, the greater the torture.
Yeah, but... what can
they do? What's left?
Well- -
Two trees.
They bend one tree down. Then
they bend the other tree down.
And they tie one of your
legs to this tree. Mine?
And they tie your
other leg to this tree.
Then,
they cut the ropes.
That's me?
If I were a chicken bone,
I could make a wish.
At a time like this,
he has to be off-key.
Don't pull,
you'll get your half.
Soh goth to naugh hon
yah! That's your story.
I think it's time I told you,
I'm not this brave.
Just think, I'll be traveling
east and west at the same time.
Painless!
Painless.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
Maybe in the next world you'll meet two
nice fellas. Look close, they'll both be me.
Let's be fair.
Gee nah!
Ge a deck a da wa!
Nejen eh saw!
Pe ko me Ken!
Wapato medicine bad.
Shame us
with white squaw.
Go. You will not come back.
Ne wah!
Ne wah!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Help. Help.
Help. Help.
I better get goin'.
Jane! She's still there. And
it's up to me to save her.
Hold it, impulsive. If those Indians
grab you, you know what'll happen to you.
We don't like that, do we?
What are you, a man or mouse?
I'm not a mouse and I'm not a man. I'm
a dentist. Yeah, but the girl loves you.
Yeah. Yeah,
and I love her too.
But if they get me, my life
won't be worth a plug nickel.
What'll your life
be worth without her?
Oh, now don't get sentimental with
me. Let's look at it logically.
If I go back, those Indians will part my
hair down to my toes. How can that help Jane?
Suit yourself. If you think you
can spend those long evenings...
just thinkin' about how you might have
saved her, it's all right with me.
Oh, stop, stop. I'll go. But don't forget,
I'll always hate you for being stubborn.
Besides, I have to pick up
my other boot.
How! How.
You like to trade? Clothes?
Me take those, huh? Like that?
Why, you!
I got him! I got
him! Ya-hoo-hoo!
How. How. How.
Well, Chief, this completes
our part of the bargain.
You bring long rifles,
dynamite?
An ample supply. All
is in order. Esta exsa.
You low-down, stinkin', coyote!
You're the one I've been lookin' for.
Hold her!
Well- -
That's your federal agent.
What are you gonna do with her?
Burn. Take more than a
governor's pardon to save you now.
Esta exsa!
Come. We talk.
Hubby-hubby.
Hubby-hubby.
# East is east
please don't cry #
# This is your hubby
Painless #
Hubby-hubby.
Hubby-hubby.
Medicine man
come back!
Burn him. Burn him
with white squaw.
Ojesa!
Wapato! Wapato!
Wapato! Wapato!
Wapato!
Wapato.
Ojesta!
Ojesta! Ojesta!
Hey!
Ojesta!
You don't know what you're
doing. Don't worry, I'll save ya.
Who they gonna burn over
there? The medicine man.
Serves him right for practicing
without a license. Ya-hoo!
I got 'em fooled, all right. They think youre
the medicine man they're gonna burn.
Ya!
Ye- ye-
Me?
Don't move.
I'll try to lead 'em away.
Something might work out.
Ojesta!
Ojesta!
Ojesta! Ojesta!
What's the matter
with you?
Why, you crazy Indian!
Sorry, ma'am.
How.
Didn't I tell you
I'd save you.
Boy, it smells like somebody's
been cooking cauliflower in here.
Come on, get out of
here. I'll see ya around.
Jago mick we!
Hey, fellas,
wait for me!
Wa-hoo!
Grab a rifle
and start shootin'!
Yeah.
Give me
one of those guns!
Yes, ma'am. Here, take any size
you want, honey. Why, we'll get-
Get back! It's not safe! Yes, ma'am.
They're walkin'
right into our trap.
A billiard!
Pretty tricky,
those foreigners.
Where's my rifle?
They wanted dynamite, huh?
Well, I'll give it to 'em.
Must've been a dud.
Hey, faster!
They're gaining on us!
Hey, get up in front!
You're supposed to be pullin'!
Hey!
Jump, Painless!
If I jump, I'll get
killed! But the dynamite!
Rigor mortis,
here I come!
Get Martin
off that wagon!
That's the last
of 'em.
Darn it! There goes my dental diploma.
Here they come now!
Don't get excited. I'll be back
in a year or so. Don't worry.
Our hero! Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Potter.
Silly girl. You gotta
expect this kind of thing.
Let's not overdo it. I know I
deserve it, but... steady, men.
Take it out
of the bags, fellas.
Honey, I'll drive. Yeah,
you drive and I'll watch.
Finally going on your
honeymoon? Am I! Ya-hoo!
What do you want,
a happy ending?