The Paloni Show! Halloween Special! (2022) Movie Script
1
Live from the front yard
of Mr. Winchell's
spookily decorated house,
it's The Paloni Show!
Halloween Special!
Featuring performances
by Philvia Crim,
Michaels Smith, Tony Shandals,
Guy Shrunt, Mustard Girl.
And of course, Mr. Winchell
and his one-man puppet show.
And now, please welcome
your favorite hosts.
Leroy Paloni, Reggie Paloni,
and Cheruce Paloni.
Hey, everybody,
we, uh, we're the Palonis,
and this is a huge...
We like specials.
We like hosting specials.
That's like a thing we love
as a family and...
Yeah, yeah, this is
a big opportunity for us.
- By the way, I'm Reggie.
- Yeah, and I'm Leroy,
and this is our sister Cheruce.
And, you know, tonight we have
some great Halloween comedy shorts
we're going to be showing you
along with some incredible performances.
Live right here,
uh, in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
Our entire special hosted
in front of this
unimpressive dump.
Hey, what the fuck's
the matter with you?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, come on, Cheruce.
She's just a little irritated today.
Hey, I had ideas
for this fuckin' special.
We should have wrote a story.
It's a Halloween special.
It needs practical effects,
gore, suspense.
Oh, I don't know, maybe somebody
getting stabbed in the fucking face.
That's what Hulu wants, baby.
Who did you talk to
at Hulu, huh?
Shut the fuck up!
Okay.
- This was all approved.
Everything behind me
was approved, all of this.
You know what? Why don't
we just get the ball on the road
and check out our first short
of the night.
Uh, here we go.
Hey, Leon,
should I go to the party
as a woodpecker
or a banana?
Dude, banana.
That's what you gotta be.
Chicks love bananas.
Really? Banana it is.
Guess that means I'm stuck
being the woodpecker.
Hey-hey, buddy, check me out.
These chicks are pecking me raw.
Damn it, why'd I choose banana?
No one likes banana.
Not much fun in there, is it?
- Oh, totally.
- It's not really my scene.
Me either.
You want to go somewhere
we might fit in?
- Really?
- Sure, yeah. I'd like that.
Wow.
A super-exclusive
billionaire party.
I guess being a banana
kind of worked out for me tonight.
I told you we'd fit in.
Come, this way.
They're about to begin
the peeling.
Begin the what now?
Aah!
A a a ah!
Uh, this isn't the kind of party
I thought it was.
I, uh, I probably should go.
My friend is likely
wondering where I am.
No, you can't go.
Not until you peel me.
You want me to peel you?
Yeah, peel me.
This isn't your first
banana party, is it?
No, no, of course not.
I've been
to banana parties before,
so it's not strange at all
for me to peel your skin off.
Not weird, not weird,
not weird at all.
Okay, my turn.
Don't move.
Wait, why do you have
a zipper on your...
Oh no.
Yeah, uh
I think there might have been
a miscommunication here.
You have to leave.
You shouldn't be here. Quick.
Halt!
Why hath that banana
still his skin?
The rules are clear.
Or does he think us unworthy
to bear witness to his fruit?
No, he does not think
you unworthy.
Then he must drop
his skin immediately.
Or I will take personal offense.
No offense meant.
I can drop my skin.
I can drop my skin right now,
Dropping my skin.
Ta-da!
As I suspected.
Human.
So, can I go now or what?
Damn. Another clumsy accident.
That's the third banana peel
this week.
When will people start to learn
to watch where they're walking?
I'm not so sure
it was an accident, detective.
I think this whole scene
has been staged.
A murder?
Who would want this kid dead?
I don't know,
but you can be damn sure
I'll find out.
Told us th-they liked
the idea of us being
in front of Mr. Winchell's house
for the whole thing.
You don't say anything
unless you read it off
these cards, alright?
You're going to fucking
blow this for us.
Coming up,
Mr. Winchell jerks off his dog.
- That's not what I wrote.
- Come on, Cheruce, cut it out!
I-I-I just want to say this is
a really important opportunity,
and I want to thank Hulu
for believing in us.
It's our goal to make
the best Halloween special ever,
right here in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
Remember, they really wanted us
to be in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
They really li... So I don't know
where this is coming from.
Yep, they called me up
and they told me that too so...
Yeah, and they said it
in the meeting.
- They said it twice.
- A couple times.
I mean, you know, they've been
very good partners for us so...
That's... Hey, you know what though?
- That's family, I guess.
- Okay, okay.
Reel it in, guys.
We're fucking live.
Thank you for the note, Cheruce.
But, like, you know, this is the show.
- Oh, I couldn't tell.
- It's fine, Cheruce.
- This is the show.
- It's going exactly as planned.
Where have you guys been?
You promised to take
Little Long-Legs trick or treating!
We're hosting our Halloween Special,
Aunt Stephanie!
- We told you!
- This is important, Stephanie.
Get out of here!
This day couldn't get any worse!
I have never been invited
to a party before
or had any real friends,
and these cool people saw me
in 7-Eleven
and they liked my look.
And now I can't go to their party
because you don't give
a dried-up fuck about your cousin?
You monsters!
You try only having sex once
and then becoming a single mother
with a retarded kid.
- Fuck you!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Okay...
- Classy, Aunt Stephanie.
Do not use that word
on our Hulu special.
- God, what is wrong with you?
- People are watching at home.
So sorry for that.
Great. Here's his costume.
Oh, and by the way,
he has diabetes.
He's got diabetes.
Type two, he did it to himself.
I want candy.
Oh, my God. Okay, calm down,
Little Long-Legs.
Leroy, diabetes is going
to throw off the entire vibe.
I-I don't think they want us
talking about that.
Even if it is his own fault.
I think diabetes type two
is a protected class.
- Well, that's even worse.
- Okay, we should really throw it
to the next... the next short
while we figure this out.
You know what,
you're right, Reggie.
Uh, hey, everybody,
let's check out our next short.
Here we go.
Hey, kids.
Get ready for
Plopsie and Friends!
Here's Annie Alphabet
and Captain Colors!
Hey, kids.
Welcome to a very special
Halloween episode.
You know,
Halloween can be spooky,
but it doesn't have to be scary.
Now, let's have a warm welcome
for our favorite
kooky cuddle monster.
It's Plopsie!
- Oh, shit.
Whoa, Plopsie, are you okay?
What happened to you?
Hey, never take a swim
in the LA River.
There are portals there.
Okay. Uh, Plopsie,
why don't you tell us
about some of the spookiest things
about Halloween.
Ghosts and ghouls
and goblins, oh my.
- Yeah, you want to know spooky?
- I fell into this fucking portal.
Jesus Christ, Plopsie.
And I saw the future.
You guys better start kissing ass
to the lizard people
'cause I swear to shit
they're taking over.
Plopsie, are you okay,
like, medically?
Do you want to maybe go home.
- Me go...
- You fucking go home, I'm fine.
I'm fucking fine.
Let's do this shit.
I've got a date after this.
I'm trying to wrap early.
Okay, Plopsie. Why don't you
tell us about werewolves?
- No, fuck that.
- Alright.
I was playing Marco Polo by myself
in the LA River this morning.
You actually can't do that.
I got sucked
into a vortex, kids,
and the lizard people took me.
They did tests on me.
They mated with me.
Alright, let's talk
about trick or treating.
Long story short,
now I can never die.
It'll be my greatest curse,
right, kids?
I'm having a bad time.
Let's talk about
what's scary on Halloween
that maybe doesn't need
to be so scary.
What is scarier
than what I just told you?
- Oh, Captain
Colors, did you hear that sound?
Sounds like
we just got a letter.
In what fucking world does
getting a letter make that sound?
Toby, age five,
from Arkansas says,
"I love Halloween,
"but I'm scared of haunted houses.
What do I do?"
Well, Toby, you have to remember
that everyone in a haunted house
is a person, just like you...
Don't! Let me talk to you
for a second, man-to-man.
No!
Toby, I'm going to give you
some coordinates and a machete.
I need you to come here
and kill me.
No, we're not giving Toby
any coordinates.
It may not work the first time,
but I will give you
so many shares of my company
if you just keep chopping.
Plopsie, you have a company?
- I sell used needles.
- You sell them used?
Yeah, but we make it up
in volume, baby!
Okay, uh...
O-okay.
Okay, Kayla M. From Michigan
is seven years old.
Kayla, what poisons
does your daddy have?
Plopsie, I'm going to need you
to stop asking children to kill you.
Also, can you pull your weight?
We're only supposed
to do the intro,
and you're making us steer
this whole thing.
- Uh, oh shit, hold that thought.
Uh, my date's waiting for me
in the bathroom.
I gotta wrap this up.
In the bathroom?
Yep, handicap stall.
Plopsie's still got it!
- Okay, no, can we...
- Can we roll the song?
Don't you fucking dare, Jeff!
- Please do the song.
- Just roll the song...
- Come on, Je...
- Oh shit, here we go.
- No, no...
- Okay, can we evacuate the kids.
There's going to be a fire.
Stop, stop.
- Uh-oh.
No. No matches. No!
Okay, the studio's on fire.
Uh, yeah, I'm just...
Everybody follow me outside.
Welcome back, folks.
Wow, that was sure was
a fooky, spooky, funny time.
You're darn right it was.
That's what's so great
about... the Palonis
and, and what we do.
You know, this is why
th-th-this whole thing is so special.
- Well, hey, guess what?
- We're taking this on the road.
That's the news.
That's the big announcement.
Cheruce, is Little Long-Legs
in his costume yet?
Yep.
I'm Tiny Short legs.
Little Long-Legs,
your legs are like your whole shtick.
Why, why would you pick a costume
that doesn't show them off,
you know, like, like show those,
show those bad boys off, baby.
I hate my long legs. I'm ugly!
Oh, come on, you shouldn't be
ashamed of your long legs, little guy.
- Why not?
- They're so long and nasty.
Shut up, Cheruce!
Be quiet for once.
It's okay. Look, I-I think
your costume is great,
and I think everyone
will love it.
I want candy!
What the fuck are you
supposed to be dressed as?
You fucking piece of shit.
That is so offensive.
It's not the '90s anymore.
You might as well be
in a fucking black face.
Oh, you didn't know
we lived here?
Everybody knows us.
This is targeted bigotry.
This is no accident.
Check out this next short.
At least those are mostly good.
Um, I should take this.
Hello.
Hi. Hey, can I call you back?
I just...
What do you mean
I need to come in?
More testing.
I see. Okay.
Um... thank you.
Had a screening
for cancer last week
and, um, come in for more testing.
That can't be good, right?
I don't even know
why I'm telling you this.
I mean, how would I even come in?
I mean, I'm stuck
in the middle of the woods.
What's that?
I'm so sorry.
Aah!
Aah.
You're officially cancer free.
Can I just say thank you.
You know, for, for being here with me
at every step
of the way, Rubber Face.
You have...
Oh!
Oh, dear God, please don't.
I have children, please.
It's my oncologist.
Hello.
You know, now it's not the...
What do you mean
I need to come in?
Cancer.
What the fuck.
Th-th-this is a disaster, alright.
This is not the show
that Hulu signed off on, Leroy.
Right now, we should be
smack dab in the middle
of Philvia Crim's
incredible human pretzel routine.
- Where the fuck are we?
- I'm really sorry, folks.
I don't know what to do either, Reggie.
I don't like being
off the rails like this.
Let me just think.
I'm afraid
there's no time to think.
My name is Dr. Toomis.
I work at the local
mental institution
for the criminally insane.
Have you seen this man?
Is that Michael Myers?
No, it's Dana Carvey.
Sorry, no, Dana Carver.
He's wearing a Dana Carvey mask.
Garth from Wayne's World.
His birth name is Dana Carver.
He's my patient. He escaped.
He carves up his victims
into what can only be described
as human salad.
- Uh, listen, sorry.
- We're not interested.
We don't have any money.
We're trying to host a show here.
Uh, everybody watching at home,
uh, bear with us.
- I'm trying to figure this out.
- No, I'm not homeless.
Dana is carving his way
through this town, please!
I'm warning you and everyone.
My name is Dr. Toomis.
You know, Leroy, I got
a confession to make to you.
I-I-I did have cash on me.
I've, I've got $50 of cash on...
- Keep it.
- He'd just use it on drugs.
Well, yeah, listen, it's, it's...
He'll be fine.
He'll land on his feet.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
I mean, did you see
how he was dressed?
He was dressed better
than me some days.
Yeah, he's probably
got somebody...
Hey, probably some angel
out there looking out for him.
Oh, oh, Leroy.
Watch out for that bowl of body parts.
- Oh geez, thanks, Reggie.
- Almost stepped in it.
Kind of looks like,
I don't know, human salad.
Huh, only on Halloween, right?
Ugh, gross.
Oh, grosser than Guy Shrunt
and his tight five about that
Michael Jackson docu...
- What is a "tight five"?
- It's a comedy term.
The Guy Shrunt
Michael Jackson bit is great.
I... Shut up.
Doesn't make any sense anymore.
Leave the cards out of it.
- Just forget the cards.
- Fine!
You know what?
Leroy, I got an idea.
Why, why don't we throw
to two shorts
instead of, instead of just one short.
- Yeah, okay, that's perfect.
- Two shorts in a row.
Yeah, two shorts. Yeah, yeah.
That's unorthodox for us,
but we're going to do it.
Well, the audience sure must be happy
about hearing that.
Uh, take it away, two shorts.
- Take it away.
- Here you go, two.
Hey, manager.
You're the manager.
I have a problem.
My apartment smells
like both piss and shit.
It also smells
a little bit like salami.
But that part I'm okay with!
I got to, um, um, um, um
inspect the yoga room.
Whew!
Man, I don't want to deal
with any problems today.
Reed, thank God you're here.
I have a problem.
Bronwen, unit 403.
Sorry, but I'm, uh,
here to practice, uh, yoga.
Always dodging responsibility.
Remember the broken elevator.
It's been months.
- I fixed that.
- So, you're here for yoga.
Do you even know how to do yoga?
Do I know how to do yoga?
Do I know how to do yoga?
You don't know how
to do yoga, do you?
So I don't know how
to do yoga, is that so?
- No!
- Woo-ha!
Wow, you do know how to do yoga.
This morning,
my neighbor tried to bite me.
I think he's a zombie.
It's Halloween.
Probably just trying to spook you.
- Was he wearing a costume?
- He was nude.
- I've heard enough.
- Sounds like a zombie.
Let me guess,
but you are not going to do
anything about it.
Wrong again.
I'll shoot the motherfucker
in the head.
It's broken.
It's not broken.
Strawberry lime.
Your yogurt.
You can smell that far away?
I can smell the milk
and bacteria.
That's how good
I am at smelling.
- Go ahead, press the button.
- It's broken.
It's not broken. I fixed that...
How the hell
you stay still during all that?
Because there is nothing wrong
with the elevator,
I fixed it, per what I've
been saying this whole time.
Who is it? I'm nude in here.
It's Reed.
- Oh please, don't shoot me.
- I'm nude.
You're a zombie
idiot.
First, I'm nude. Now this.
Ow! My eye.
- That's right.
- Surprise, we're both zombies.
It was our elaborate plan
to lure you up here and eat you.
They'll replace you with a manager
who actually does work around here.
Your management is a disaster,
but soon you'll be
nothing more than a meal.
Why is he smiling?
You both fell for my plan.
I knew you were a zombie
the day you moved in.
Smelling your yogurt
was the final proof.
In addition
to strawberry and lime,
I detected gray matter.
Yogurt made from brain.
Oh, and shooting yourself
in the eye was part of your plan?
- It was the perfect distraction.
Oh!
What did you do to me?
I intentionally left the elevator broken
waiting for this off chance.
And your yogurt was
the perfect receptacle
for the acid that I brought.
But what about me?
I could still eat ya', you know?
Go ahead.
- Is this part of your plan too?
- Eat me.
- What if I don't want to?
- Eat me!
I don't want to!
Ho, ho!
- Oh!
Huh?
Hmm?
I told you not to invite Steve!
Oh!
Stop running!
- Oh man, that was great.
- Right, folks?
Sorry, folks at home.
Just as soon as
Little Long-Legs gets his candy,
we'll be back on track
at Mr. Winchell's house in no time.
Uh, yep, yep.
That's, that is how
it's going to work.
Would you slow
the fuck down, you little cretin?
All the best houses are up here.
They give us full-size candy bars.
Oh no.
He's headed into the abandoned
Fletcher house, Leroy!
Cheruce! Catch him!
- I'm trying, goddammit.
- He's too fast.
Cheruce, you, you idiot!
He's, he's in this
fucking nightmare house now.
- Fuck you, Reggie.
- Get off my back.
Hey guys, listen. We...
Let's just keep it together, okay?
L-L-Leroy, we should probably
just throw it to the next short.
- Just throw it to the next short.
- Uh, okay, yeah.
Um, everybody, buckle in
for the next Halloween short.
Take it away.
Goddammit,
the cupboards are bare.
What's that?
Vegan foie gras, expired in 2014.
Yeah, I'm so hungry.
Stupid fucking demanding bodies.
Oh, what sort of gum is that?
Yeah, it smells really good.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, fuck.
So fucking hungry.
Oh, God.
Dude, back off.
Oh geez, Owl.
You don't gotta be
such a fucking homophobe, man.
Just trying to smell
your mouth, for fuck's sake. God.
Owl, you must have some cash
hidden away up your boring ass.
Please, we're starving.
Well, first of all, Mogg,
go fuck yourself.
And secondly,
I told you I got fired from my job
because somebody
hacked my Twitter.
Owl, how many times
do I have to apologize?
I'm sorry.
I was very high.
Oh hey, I got it.
Let's go trick or treating.
- What?
- Werewolf Jones, we're in our 30s.
No, come on, come on.
L-listen, let's get all dolled up
and go out begging, right?
What's the worst that could happen?
Here, I'll rack up a few lines.
Okay. This, this.
Pretty good.
Oh yeah.
There you go, have at it.
Meet you outside in five.
Ooh, Megg, sexy witch.
Yep, figured I may as well
completely debase myself.
Frank-n-furter?
Uh, yeah, time warp.
Alright, let's do this.
Owl, what the fuck, dude.
Did you all just go
through my laundry?
I'm going to have to burn
all that stuff now.
Whatever, let's do this.
Ah, nobody home.
Hey, look, the window's open.
Come on.
Okay, well, this quickly devolved.
Fuck, It's dark in here, right?
Where's the kitchen?
I smell food. Beef!
Through here.
Holy shit!
Run. Owl, come on.
Oh, my fucking face.
- Where's Jones?
They got him.
They fucking got him. He's dead.
- Oh, God.
- What are we going to do?
Oh, I think I might have
to go to the hospital.
Oh.
Ugh, Owl, that's disgusting!
- Dude, put a bag on your face.
- We don't want to look at that.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
- Who's that?
- That was a fucking cop-knock.
Let's get out of here.
Where?
Megg, where are we going?
We'll steal a boat
from the marina.
We're sea-people now.
Guys, guys, let me in.
I left the rest
of my coke in there.
I need a bump.
Okay, I think we're
in international waters.
I'm cold.
Here, let's do some more lines.
- Oh.
I hate you guys so fucking much.
- Little Long-Legs!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Where are you?
- Where is he?
- Where are you?
Where you at, Little long-Legs?
- He can't hear you, shit bag.
- He has diabetes.
Just a minor hiccup here, folks.
We'll be back on track
in, in just a minute.
I can't believe this, Leroy.
- I, I can't believe this.
- I know. It's insane.
It's worse than insane, it's...
Listen, we're going to find him
and get out of this house.
I hope so, I hope so.
If not, I'm just saying, if not...
- We will.
- Come on, let's fucking go.
The homeless guy.
How the hell did he get
ahead of us?
- I don't know.
- Look at his calves.
I mean, th-this guy, this guy runs.
Look at 'em.
This guy definitely runs.
Human salad!
You kids are going to look
so much better
topped with croutons
and Parme-sian cheese.
Oh, my fucking God,
we're going to die.
Just run! CHERUCE: Holy fuck!
He's, like, right behind me.
Everybody at home,
just, just check out
this next short
while we figure this out.
Surprise!
Jesus H. Christ, guys.
What the fuck?
Jesus.
I almost had a heart attack.
Come on, man.
I walk into a room
and you yell, "Surprise!"
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck all of you guys.
You and you and you
and you and you.
I haven't watched
that footage in a long time.
It's still very hard to watch.
That was 50 years ago, tonight.
Half a century, lot of water
under the bridge.
Yeah, that was my birthday party.
More scared than I have
ever been in my life,
before or since.
I hope nobody watching this ever
has to feel the level of terror
that I felt that night.
I felt unsafe.
Very unsafe
and terrified.
What those people did to me
at that party was terror-ism,
because they terrified me.
Ever since that night,
that fateful night, uh, uh,
Mr. Mayor plans
his own birthday parties.
Uh, Teresa has been
removed from that duty,
right, Teresa? Right?
Right, Teresa?
Honey?
Dear?
Because of the sheer,
unadulterated fear
that I felt that night,
I was able
to implement legislation
that I called
the "Carefree Scare-Free bill."
It's a bill that I brought into law
that says that nothing scary
can ever happen here again.
It's been that way for 50 years.
Nothing will scare you
in Right behind you ton.
Count on it.
No skeletons?
No.
- Vampire teeth?
- No.
- Fake blood?
- No!
- Fake skeletons?
- No!
Ma'am, you're going
to want to cooperate
if you want to get into town.
I am co-operating.
- Come on through.
Ha, keep going.
Hey, Neil, I checked these ones
last night, they're okay.
What was that?
Her, I'm not so sure about,
check the trunk.
Well, you see, my family's run
this pumpkin farm
for over a century, yeah.
You know,
about five generations or so.
It wasn't until
about 50 years ago
with the passing of
the "Carefree Scare-Free Act"
that we had to start
paintin' the suckers.
Blue, red, indigo.
Can't do orange though,
because orange is the scary kind.
Also, we gotta coat 'em
in this here resin,
at least one to two inches thick
so no one goes around carving
any scary faces
into the suckers.
Mm.
You know, I've been called
to armed robberies.
I've been in high-speed chases.
I've been involved loosely
in sexual stuff
that is a little out
of my comfort zone.
Mm-hmm.
Nothing prepares you for this.
Couple of these slip through
every year,
but, uh, we always catch 'em.
Neil, can we get this
covered up please?
So, Halloween,
obviously, that's out.
And guess what?
We don't miss it.
Because what's Halloween about?
What do people like
about Halloween?
Well, people like dressing up.
Hey, that's a great costume.
Who you dressed as
this Mayor Day?
I dressed as the mayor.
I should have known that.
You look wonderful.
You look great.
And so does your mom
and so does your dad.
- Thank you.
- Family of mayors.
You don't like Halloween?
Come here and celebrate
Mayor Day with us.
Just wear one of these,
'cause that's what I wear.
- Thank you!
- Miss Micelli, you sent a wonderful
I'm proud of you too.
- Thank you.
- I love you back.
Fellow citizens,
family
friends.
I am so pleased and proud
to be here with you
celebrating our 50th Mayor Day
here in this town.
The people who were
in attendance at that party
on that night
are also here tonight.
Most of them are still with us,
so let's give them
a rousing round of applause.
- Thank you. You're too kind.
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
You guys gave me the biggest scare
of my life back then,
but you also gave me
the greatest idea
of my life back then
and you get...
What's happening?
Oh, my God, what?
What's happening?
What's happening?
No, no, no.
Yes! Yes!
Gotcha, bitches!
Why are you laughing?
You fell for the old
"town where nothing scary happens"
for 50 years trick.
- Yes! Yes!
- What?
Yeah, scared, Teresa?
I want a divorce, tonight!
Neil, serve her the papers.
Ha, ha!
Bye!
Oh, Teresa, I'm sorry.
Halloween is back!
Goodbye, Mayor Day!
Hello, Halloween!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Cheruce, grab him!
Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done on Earth as it...
Holy shit!
Oh shit.
I fucking hate this.
What's this guy's
fucking problem?
I don't know,
I don't know what the fuck...
Run, run, run! Hurry!
What the fuck is this?
Come over here
and get against the wall.
- We're going to die!
- We're going to die!
We can't die on camera.
That was part
of the contract with Hulu.
Um, everybody, just watch this.
Take, take it away.
Don't listen to the lies.
No one does meat anymore.
Eating animals is wrong.
People taste better.
The only true
cannibal restaurant for miles.
Family business since years ago.
Never chewy ligaments.
My name is The Owner,
and I don't mess around.
You want rotten dogs?
Go and see my competitors.
A prime selection of young meat.
Ethically sourced.
I'm Jason.
And if you are watching this,
I'm already dead.
I was eaten at...
Clacky's!
By the cream of society
and so can you be.
Ten thousand likes guaranteed.
And just look at
these stunning babes.
Never work again.
I've seen the apocalypse,
and now I'm ready for God.
Life isn't great until you're famous
for an hour or so.
And once someone here
was eaten by a famous rapper.
Got a six-figure T-shirt deal.
Good evening.
Welcome to Clacky's.
Thank you, come in.
Take a seat.
Have a go and have a seat.
You'll have a good time.
Aya!
Go and have a check
on tonight's star guest.
Okay, Dad.
Um, hi.
Uh, are you alright?
All, all set to go?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm ready for death.
I can't wait to shake God's hand
and say good work, old chap.
Can I, can I get you anything?
Um, a can of pop or an orange?
Well, it may seem strange,
but may I meet my slaughterer?
Oh yeah, yeah, of course.
Clarence!
- Well, hello there.
Yes, you must be
tonight's slab of gristle.
Don't worry, I'm gentle.
I, I assumed you'd be human.
Yes, well,
it's a legal loophole.
- Guh... Do you have a reservation?
You took my boy away.
I know he agreed to it,
but you took him out of this world
and fed him
to vultures and beasts.
Madam, please.
We do not serve vultures here.
We serve the highest of society.
Your son died for a good cause.
You did him in.
You slaughtered his carcass
for profit.
Well, he did willingly
go through the application.
And you promised him
10,000 likes on his socials.
And I know it's only been
a few weeks,
but this is nowhere near 10,000.
Could you, uh,
possibly do another retweet?
Sure, okay, great, no problem.
And, and my Instagram.
I want mine cooked alive, mommy.
I want to taste its fear.
Will they serve babies?
I hope they have some baby
on the menu tonight.
- Yes, dear, I'm sure they will.
- I'm sure.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's main course is Nigel.
He wanted to be an engineer,
but it seemed like a lot of hard work,
and nobody likes that.
So tonight, he cuts his life short
to serve you, our finest.
But before he is butchered,
he'd love to meet you all.
So, bring him out.
Uh, one moment, chaps.
I will just check
and see where he is.
Aah! Get me out of here,
I've changed my mind!
You better let me go.
Why isn't he tranquilized?
Um, Lady Fridgely called ahead
and she requested
untranquilized meat tonight.
Well, you still do it.
Please don't let me die.
- Come here, boy.
Let me slice you into pieces.
No, not out there.
Oh, my God.
It's a beetle.
What is that doing here?
To think such creatures
handle the food.
- Oh, come on.
- He's one of the good ones.
Dinner has escaped.
But la-ladies
and gentlemen, hold on,
but don't leave because, uh,
we have some backup meat.
Oh no, man.
What's going on?
I can't handle this, man.
No, it's the only
haunted house in the city.
Oh, hey, everybody.
We escaped the killer
by the thick of our teeth.
Thin of our teeth.
The good news is,
the police are on their way.
I think we're,
I think we're going to be alright.
It's the abandoned Fletcher house.
We're in the closet
in a creepy old trophy room,
you fucking idiot.
Leroy, the 911 lady says
we gotta stay really quiet,
so do you think Hulu
would be mad or upset
if we had a part of the special
with mostly whispering?
No, I want candy!
Shut the fuck up,
you're going to get us killed.
No, let go of me, I want candy!
Shut the... be quiet.
Holy fucking shit!
Nooo!
Come on, let's go!
Why is this happening?
Come on, hurry.
Everybody, just take a look at this next,
really funny Halloween short.
So, Nugget, I heard you've got
a date with a girl tonight.
Yep.
Oh, that's,
that's fucking awesome, man.
A real girl, aye?
Ha ha, good on ya.
Yep. Going to try
and have sex with her.
Oh, are you serious, man?
Oh, that's so cool.
I'm so happy for you, eh.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks, mate.
It's like,
it's like the 57th date.
So, yeah,
feeling pretty good
about it, yeah.
Wait, this is the 57th date?
Yeah.
Yeah, 57 or 56 or in
the mid-50s, somewhere.
Yeah, about that.
Oh, okay.
And... and you haven't, like,
done anything with her or nothing yet?
Well, I mean,
we've... I've... we've like,
we've, like, eat... we've talk...
We've talked and...
Yeah, sure.
And we went to dinner and stuff.
Yeah, we've done that stuff.
Okay. Yeah, no that's,
that's cool.
Yeah.
- Um, you have...
- You haven't, like, kissed her
or held her hand or nothing?
Well, I mean, not specifically.
No, we haven't done that,
but we have,
we have had sushi together and...
Yeah, dinners and stuff. Yeah.
Like I say, we've talked.
So, I mean,
we're, you know,
we're getting there.
We're working up to it.
- Yeah, okay.
- So, you... you're like... you're not...
You don't want to rush into anything
basically, is what you're saying.
Yeah. I mean...
Yeah, you just never know
in this day and age, you know.
Like the whole "me too" era
and everything.
You gotta just be
a bit careful, don't you?
Can't just go full on.
No, I, I get you.
Yeah, you just, just want
to take it slowly, don't you?
- Just take it slow.
- Just, you know, see what happens.
Just, you know, go with the flow.
Well, I mean, the good thing is
she probably appreciates that,
doesn't she?
That you're not, you're not one
of these guys that just wants sex.
- Well, that, you know, that...
- Yeah, that is how I see it.
I just, I want her to know
that I respect her enough,
that I don't, I don't think about that.
Yeah, you don't think about it?
I mean, yes, I do,
but I, I want her to think
I don't think about that.
- Yeah.
- If that makes sense.
- No, that does make...
- Yeah, that makes sense.
I think she'd appreciate that.
Yeah, well, I think so.
And, you know, like I say,
something about tonight
just feels right.
Feels like something
could happen finally, you know?
- Yeah. Well, yeah.
- Good luck to you, mate.
Well, I'm, I'm, I'm rooting for ya'
to have a root.
You get it?
Like, have a root. Like, sex.
- Oh, you know I get it!
- Yeah, oh no, I get it!
No, I get it!
- You like that, yeah?
- You'd have a root.
No, no, I get it.
Yeah, no, just a little bit of,
just a bit of fun.
Well, Happy Halloween, mate.
- Oh, yeah.
- It is Halloween, isn't it?
- I forgot.
- Yeah, 31st of October.
Oh yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Yeah, thanks, mate.
Good luck to ya'.
Oh!
- Mr. Stuffy!
- There's no time.
Cheruce, stay with me.
- Boo lie Doom Bah Lo! Oolie Bahlah!
Give me the power, I beg of you!
He's doing a Child's Play!
Shoot him harder!
Boo lie... boo... balah!
Alright, boys.
I think we served
enough justice here.
Officers, if you don't mind,
my sister really needs help.
Officers, be advised,
the suspect of the third street
trash can graffiti has escaped
and is currently
impersonating an officer.
He could be any one of us.
This is scary, this is serious.
Proceed with caution, fellas.
Uh, Leroy, I think
we should get out of here.
I don't know if you can hear me
over these loud gunshots,
everybody,
but check out this next
Halloween short.
Uh-huh.
And yep...
Wow, if I don't say so myself,
this is looking pretty good.
- Hey!
- Ah!
- Yeah, hey.
- You with the tweezers.
Oh, hello.
Yeah, I know. Weird, right?
Little man living in your model town
or whatever this thing is.
But hey, today's your lucky day.
'Cause I can make
all your dreams come true!
Anything you ever wanted
or wished for,
I could make it happen!
All you gotta do is say
my name three times.
- Wow, yeah.
- Uh, okay, what's your name?
Well, that's the thing.
I can't say it.
So, uh, h-how's this work?
- Do I have to guess or what...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's...
- Uh...
How am I going to know it?
Oh. Okay, here.
Take this, here you go.
Okay. Let's see.
I can't say that.
- Come on, what's the big deal?
- It's my name.
What are you trying to say?
That's, that's,
that's what they call me, man.
That's my name.
Okay. Well, just to be clear,
I say this horrible,
horrible thing...
- Uh-huh.
- And then I get whatever I want.
Yeah, yeah.
- Anything, infinite wishes.
Yep, right. Yeah.
But, uh, you gotta say,
you gotta say it in a crowd.
Yeah, at the top of your lungs.
Gah...
Three times.
Yeah, or it doesn't work at all.
Okay.
- You... you're go...
- Yeah?
Yeah, why not?
I'm going to go do it.
Attention, everybody.
I have something
to say three times.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
It's working, it's working.
Ay-yay-yay.
Ooh. He's coming back,
he's coming back.
You said it?
You actually said it?
Oh, you idiot.
You can't go around
saying shit like that.
But you said you were going to make
all my dreams come true.
No, no. Fuck no, man.
You're crazy.
You think I'm going to help you?
Fuck you.
I think you're a shitwad.
- You said...
- And you're ugly.
I don't even want
to be seen with you.
- What have I done?
- Oh, my God. What an idiot.
Alright, I'm, I'm done with this.
I'm going inside.
What am I going to do
with all these bottles?
Cheruce, can you hear me?
Say something.
Welcome back, folks.
Let's check out
the incredible finger painting
of Tony Shandles.
Le-Leroy,
she-she's going to be okay, right?
She's... she's gone.
Okay, at least she's safe
in hell now, you know.
Oh, my God.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Okay, okay. No, wow.
No, it's rea...
It's sinking in now, Leroy.
It's, it's hitting me.
It's all real.
This must be what
rock bottom looks like.
I fucking quit!
Fuck you, fuck Hulu!
Fuck Halloween
and fuck the police!
I, I, I can't do it, Leroy.
I can't host the show anymore.
Me neither, we're done.
You know, I guess
the show won't go on.
You know, we blew our shot with Hulu.
It doesn't even matter.
It's over.
I want Mr. Stuffy!
You fucking monster.
You got the special ruined
and you killed Cheruce.
Okay, Leroy, take it easy.
Here's what we're going to do.
I'm calling Aunt Stephanie.
Her party is over.
We gotta get rid of this kid
before we hurt him.
I'm going to hurt him, Leroy.
I can feel it
building inside me.
I'm going to hurt him.
Hi, you've reached Stephanie.
I'm not here, bye.
This can't be happening.
- Is this real?
- No, fuck that, alright.
We're going to go
drop him off at the party.
Hey, Siri, locate Aunt Stephanie.
Wait, what?
It says she's right there.
Alright, look, Leroy, here's,
here's what's going to happen.
We're going to throw it
to the next short.
And then we're going to drop
this little bastard off
and be done with him.
He's a fucking piece of shit.
And I'm sick
of pretending he's not.
I'm, I'm really sorry
about this, Hulu.
I'm trying to come to terms
with this right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm in shock.
Th-th-this is not the show
we wanted to make.
This is not the special
we wanted to do.
My sister's dead.
She's, she's gone.
Cheruce is gone.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's check out the...
Just throw it to the next...
Just play the thing.
Just play, whatever.
I'm freaking out!
- Play it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a strange tale
you're about to behold.
This story is just the beginning.
The beginning of the end
of the world.
I'm going to be a hero.
Exclaimed the bold young man,
forgetting that unrequited love
had broken
his frail young heart.
- Johnny!
- Johnny, come, it's urgent!
Called his mother
in a very urgent tone.
I'm on my way!
He said forgetting that the world
was going to end that day.
A pair of aliens
from outer space arrived
to take over and humanity erase.
Literally.
Then they zapped a cat
crawling on the floor,
believing it was a man
walking on all fours.
Then they zapped a tree
from their spaceship in the air.
Because we were convinced...
It was a man with bushy hair.
So they landed in a tub
and they met an old lady.
This one is actually a human.
Let's turn her into gravy.
So the Armageddon started.
Here I am.
Mom?
The boy said immediately,
forgetting who had called him
in the first place.
He couldn't remember his mother
or why he was in the bathroom again.
All the memories erased
from his young and chubby brain.
Suddenly the plot thickens
and one of
the Martians disappeared.
Zap! Like the dickens.
I feel very confused,
I thought I had a friend,
but now it's just me,
I'm all alone in the end.
This amorphous...
- And viscous.
And viscous blob
swallows the memory
of things thrown in there.
For example,
if I throw in a comb,
people will forget what it's like
to comb their hair.
Ah, then I'm going
to throw in my cap
so that people will forget it.
Then I'm going to invent it myself
to make a lot of money.
Then I call the girl I like,
and then she's going to fall
in love with me.
But then Johnny remembered
that he wanted to be a hero.
I'm going to be a hero!
By throwing
all guns into the blob.
Then all wars would go to zero.
Nope, I don't want to do that.
No, I don't.
Hey Johnny, you're adopted.
That's why when
your mother disappeared, you didn't.
This, this seems pretty quiet
for a party, doesn't it?
Yeah, wait till
Aunt Stephanie sees
what her son did to Cheruce.
Help!
Mama.
Aunt Stephanie,
why are you all tied up?
Look at Cheruce, she's dead.
Those cool people I met
at the 7-Eleven
turned out to be cultists
who are killing people
because they think
it'll open this box.
I should have known
when cool people invited me to a party
that it was too good to be true.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
How nice of you
to join our little party.
Tie them up!
And throw that body on the pile
with the other failed attempts.
Three more victims to kill.
Three more scratches
at the lottery ticket
that is summoning
the great demon Turvok.
I want my Stuffy back.
Fuck, Leroy.
I did not think this night
could get any worse,
but, but it just did.
It just happened.
Maybe this is all just a bad dream,
and everything will be back to normal
after this next short.
Welcome.
This is my house of horrors.
Come and have a look around,
why don't you?
No, no, no, no. That's a baby.
Baby does not belong
in the microwave...
Huh?
Come here.
Huh?
Uh-oh.
Time for a spot of gardening.
You're in trouble now.
Ugh.
Hey, my baby!
Hey, I'm coming!
Ah.
These guys need taking out.
Got one.
Got one.
Do you want to see
what I keep under my bed?
Yo ink.
Come here, you little monkey.
That was a close one. Huh?
Whoa!
Ohh.
Aliens tried to put baby in microwave.
- Again?
- Again.
Well, maybe the stab and toss thing
isn't going to be
what summons Turvok.
I totally agree.
Well, I'm pitching the body works
exhibit-type thing.
Cut 'em up, fillet them out.
Nice! It sounds gorgeous,
but it's pretty involved.
I mean, they get professionals
to do that.
- You're saying I can't do it?
- What, I'm not good enough?
I'm not saying
you couldn't do it, eventually.
It's just as a friend, you tend...
Sorry, folks.
This isn't a dream,
it's more of
a fucking nightmare.
Leroy, I think I just put
something together.
You know,
all this gore and violent death.
Right, right? And Cheruce
getting stabbed in her fucking face.
Oh, my God.
That's what Cheruce said
a good Halloween special would have.
- Is, is this special?
- Is it good?
Yeah, yeah. I think maybe, yeah.
You know,
we may have went off the rails
and we may have never got
to see Mr. Winchell pie his dog.
Cheruce's death is
exactly what she said
would make this special amazing.
So... and I'm processing this still,
but I think that means
it's okay.
Look, here's what I think it means.
As things get crazier,
the chances of dying increase
along with the quality of the special.
That's going to be
a tough needle to thread,
because on one hand,
I'm excited 'cause I get it.
But on the other,
I really don't want to die.
Okay, Ted Bundy,
tell me wh-wh-what do you think
we should do?
Well, I would like
to fuck him in the mouth.
Oh!
- A little bit.
- Holy shit.
Maybe that's the thing
Turvok's looking for, a little...
The extra spice.
Ah, why didn't you say that earlier?
- We could have...
- I get nervous around you, you know?
Come on, this is a safe space.
Human salad is back on the menu,
you stupid sluts.
You filthy sluts.
Mr. Stuffy!
- What the fuck?
You filthy bitch!
You filthy sluts!
My husbands, no!
Everyone's dead.
I guess we're safe now.
Heh, heh, heh!
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck is going on?
Why is Mr. Stuffy a killer?
I love you, Mr. Stuffy.
What, are you guys dumb?
The human salad line
didn't tip you off.
It's me, Dana Carver.
I did a Child's Play!
Now please be quiet
so I can do this creepy walk
towards you.
No!
Holy shit,
he's coming right for us!
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah, yeah, he is, yeah.
But he's, but he's moving kinda slow.
He is moving slow.
I think we have like,
what, like, 60 seconds.
Maybe 90 seconds, I don't know.
But whatever it is,
whenever he gets over here,
we're going to be in big trouble.
I'm starting to think
maybe two minutes,
like a full 120 seconds.
- I think two minutes is a goo...
- Is probably about right.
Little Long-Legs,
I know I get mad
when you escape
being tied up at home
when mommy needs alone time.
But now I want you
to untie yourself.
Use those precious long legs
God gave you.
What the fuck.
Yeah, yeah, um,
Little Long-Legs, untie, untie.
I love my long legs now.
I had an arc. I arced out.
I'm doing it.
- Quick, Leroy, untie Aunt Stephanie.
- I got an idea.
You better do something,
I'm going to get there pretty soon.
- Mr. Stuffy!
- Way to go, Reggie.
I don't know, Hulu.
I think the Palonis
might have just pulled
a cat out of a bag on this one.
You guys are still hosting
that shitty show.
- Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
- Jesus, Aunt Stephanie, be quiet.
Yeah, look, and I just want
to say something else.
I really think, I really like
our Halloween special.
It's pretty good now.
You know, Cheruce, she's dead.
She's dead, she died, and that...
But I think that's alright,
because, because if she
would've seen how it turned out,
how her death
contributed to the special,
she would love it.
Yeah. Well, I mean,
I wouldn't say that it's okay
that Cheruce is dead,
but yeah, you know.
I feel good about the special.
Reggie, grab Cheruce's corpse
and let's go home
and finish this show,
having learned that
sometimes it's better
to let things go off the rails
than to, you know,
like, try to steer it
with your hands
all fucking tied to the wheel
and your fucking...
- You know what I mean?
- You said it, Leroy.
Ha. Alright, folks.
Check out our last Halloween short
for the night.
Dude, my fucking
science teacher wants me
to study fucking science
and shit.
But it's all bullshit, man.
It doesn't even make
any fucking sense.
Ah, dude, anyone would be like,
ugh, shit, man.
Hmm. You know what I noticed
about science?
Is that it's fucking dumb.
Hey, what are you kids
doing out there?
Take a hike, old man.
We're pissing on science books.
Yeah, man.
Well, if pissing
on science books is your thing,
you better not go messing around
down near that
old haunted spaceship
in the woods over there.
Oh, my God. CHIP: Whoa.
They say there's
something in there
that don't take too kindly
to little boys and little girls
who don't do
their science homework.
Well, that's it for me.
Whoa.
Dude, we were literally
just talking shit
about our science homework.
I mean, let's get out of here.
This is a little on the nose.
Will you two shut up, alright?
I'm trying to fucking party
in this fucking haunted spaceship.
Whoa.
Run!
- Oh shit!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hold on, hold on. Come on.
What the heck? Oh, my God.
Dude, what the fuck?
Dude, calm down.
Dude, it's an astronaut, alright?
He's a fucking nerd.
Does math and shit.
We can bully
our way out of this.
You don't understand, man.
Like, I know 'cause
I'm all shredded and shit,
everybody thinks I'm like
this fucking super macho tough guy.
But I have
all these feelings, man.
No!
Huh? Wha...
What the heck?
Oh man.
Oh!
No, don't do it, man.
No!
Ohh. No, no, no.
Oh, my God. Oh.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
Mm-hmm.
Well, folks, despite what we thought
was a complete disaster,
off-the-rails nightmare,
we pulled off one hell
of a Halloween special.
We even got Mr. Winchell
to keep Cheruce alive
in sort of a Jim Henson
Weekend at Bernie's way.
Hey, all's well that ends well,
right, Reggie?
- Huh, what?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Leroy.
I have just been obsessed
with this strange puzzle cube
I found at the witch's cabin.
And you know me and puzzle cubes,
you put one in front of me
and I, I won't put the dam,
the darn thing down.
- Holy shit, Reggie.
- Why is it glowing all over?
I have no idea, I was twisting.
- Did you solve it?
- I think I solved it.
Well, what the fuck does it do?
Ow!
Whew! Oh boy.
Thank you for getting me
out of there.
You have no idea
how many hundreds of people
have been sacrificed
just trying to summon me.
Jesus, people. Hello, come on.
It's just a puzzle cube,
like in Hell raiser, you know?
Anyways...
You have summoned
the great demon Turvok.
As per demon law,
I will grant you one wish!
No rules, no caveats!
I wish for candy.
Wish granted.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Our sister is dead,
and you wished for candy?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You have diabetes,
you can't have candy.
You fucking bitch!
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- Well, folks, that's all she wrote.
And I'm not talking about
that Angela Lansbury show
from the '80s.
Have a Happy Halloween
and hopefully we'll see you next,
at some point, eventually again.
Bye-bye, everybody!
Live from the front yard
of Mr. Winchell's
spookily decorated house,
it's The Paloni Show!
Halloween Special!
Featuring performances
by Philvia Crim,
Michaels Smith, Tony Shandals,
Guy Shrunt, Mustard Girl.
And of course, Mr. Winchell
and his one-man puppet show.
And now, please welcome
your favorite hosts.
Leroy Paloni, Reggie Paloni,
and Cheruce Paloni.
Hey, everybody,
we, uh, we're the Palonis,
and this is a huge...
We like specials.
We like hosting specials.
That's like a thing we love
as a family and...
Yeah, yeah, this is
a big opportunity for us.
- By the way, I'm Reggie.
- Yeah, and I'm Leroy,
and this is our sister Cheruce.
And, you know, tonight we have
some great Halloween comedy shorts
we're going to be showing you
along with some incredible performances.
Live right here,
uh, in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
Our entire special hosted
in front of this
unimpressive dump.
Hey, what the fuck's
the matter with you?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, come on, Cheruce.
She's just a little irritated today.
Hey, I had ideas
for this fuckin' special.
We should have wrote a story.
It's a Halloween special.
It needs practical effects,
gore, suspense.
Oh, I don't know, maybe somebody
getting stabbed in the fucking face.
That's what Hulu wants, baby.
Who did you talk to
at Hulu, huh?
Shut the fuck up!
Okay.
- This was all approved.
Everything behind me
was approved, all of this.
You know what? Why don't
we just get the ball on the road
and check out our first short
of the night.
Uh, here we go.
Hey, Leon,
should I go to the party
as a woodpecker
or a banana?
Dude, banana.
That's what you gotta be.
Chicks love bananas.
Really? Banana it is.
Guess that means I'm stuck
being the woodpecker.
Hey-hey, buddy, check me out.
These chicks are pecking me raw.
Damn it, why'd I choose banana?
No one likes banana.
Not much fun in there, is it?
- Oh, totally.
- It's not really my scene.
Me either.
You want to go somewhere
we might fit in?
- Really?
- Sure, yeah. I'd like that.
Wow.
A super-exclusive
billionaire party.
I guess being a banana
kind of worked out for me tonight.
I told you we'd fit in.
Come, this way.
They're about to begin
the peeling.
Begin the what now?
Aah!
A a a ah!
Uh, this isn't the kind of party
I thought it was.
I, uh, I probably should go.
My friend is likely
wondering where I am.
No, you can't go.
Not until you peel me.
You want me to peel you?
Yeah, peel me.
This isn't your first
banana party, is it?
No, no, of course not.
I've been
to banana parties before,
so it's not strange at all
for me to peel your skin off.
Not weird, not weird,
not weird at all.
Okay, my turn.
Don't move.
Wait, why do you have
a zipper on your...
Oh no.
Yeah, uh
I think there might have been
a miscommunication here.
You have to leave.
You shouldn't be here. Quick.
Halt!
Why hath that banana
still his skin?
The rules are clear.
Or does he think us unworthy
to bear witness to his fruit?
No, he does not think
you unworthy.
Then he must drop
his skin immediately.
Or I will take personal offense.
No offense meant.
I can drop my skin.
I can drop my skin right now,
Dropping my skin.
Ta-da!
As I suspected.
Human.
So, can I go now or what?
Damn. Another clumsy accident.
That's the third banana peel
this week.
When will people start to learn
to watch where they're walking?
I'm not so sure
it was an accident, detective.
I think this whole scene
has been staged.
A murder?
Who would want this kid dead?
I don't know,
but you can be damn sure
I'll find out.
Told us th-they liked
the idea of us being
in front of Mr. Winchell's house
for the whole thing.
You don't say anything
unless you read it off
these cards, alright?
You're going to fucking
blow this for us.
Coming up,
Mr. Winchell jerks off his dog.
- That's not what I wrote.
- Come on, Cheruce, cut it out!
I-I-I just want to say this is
a really important opportunity,
and I want to thank Hulu
for believing in us.
It's our goal to make
the best Halloween special ever,
right here in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
Remember, they really wanted us
to be in front
of Mr. Winchell's house.
They really li... So I don't know
where this is coming from.
Yep, they called me up
and they told me that too so...
Yeah, and they said it
in the meeting.
- They said it twice.
- A couple times.
I mean, you know, they've been
very good partners for us so...
That's... Hey, you know what though?
- That's family, I guess.
- Okay, okay.
Reel it in, guys.
We're fucking live.
Thank you for the note, Cheruce.
But, like, you know, this is the show.
- Oh, I couldn't tell.
- It's fine, Cheruce.
- This is the show.
- It's going exactly as planned.
Where have you guys been?
You promised to take
Little Long-Legs trick or treating!
We're hosting our Halloween Special,
Aunt Stephanie!
- We told you!
- This is important, Stephanie.
Get out of here!
This day couldn't get any worse!
I have never been invited
to a party before
or had any real friends,
and these cool people saw me
in 7-Eleven
and they liked my look.
And now I can't go to their party
because you don't give
a dried-up fuck about your cousin?
You monsters!
You try only having sex once
and then becoming a single mother
with a retarded kid.
- Fuck you!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Okay...
- Classy, Aunt Stephanie.
Do not use that word
on our Hulu special.
- God, what is wrong with you?
- People are watching at home.
So sorry for that.
Great. Here's his costume.
Oh, and by the way,
he has diabetes.
He's got diabetes.
Type two, he did it to himself.
I want candy.
Oh, my God. Okay, calm down,
Little Long-Legs.
Leroy, diabetes is going
to throw off the entire vibe.
I-I don't think they want us
talking about that.
Even if it is his own fault.
I think diabetes type two
is a protected class.
- Well, that's even worse.
- Okay, we should really throw it
to the next... the next short
while we figure this out.
You know what,
you're right, Reggie.
Uh, hey, everybody,
let's check out our next short.
Here we go.
Hey, kids.
Get ready for
Plopsie and Friends!
Here's Annie Alphabet
and Captain Colors!
Hey, kids.
Welcome to a very special
Halloween episode.
You know,
Halloween can be spooky,
but it doesn't have to be scary.
Now, let's have a warm welcome
for our favorite
kooky cuddle monster.
It's Plopsie!
- Oh, shit.
Whoa, Plopsie, are you okay?
What happened to you?
Hey, never take a swim
in the LA River.
There are portals there.
Okay. Uh, Plopsie,
why don't you tell us
about some of the spookiest things
about Halloween.
Ghosts and ghouls
and goblins, oh my.
- Yeah, you want to know spooky?
- I fell into this fucking portal.
Jesus Christ, Plopsie.
And I saw the future.
You guys better start kissing ass
to the lizard people
'cause I swear to shit
they're taking over.
Plopsie, are you okay,
like, medically?
Do you want to maybe go home.
- Me go...
- You fucking go home, I'm fine.
I'm fucking fine.
Let's do this shit.
I've got a date after this.
I'm trying to wrap early.
Okay, Plopsie. Why don't you
tell us about werewolves?
- No, fuck that.
- Alright.
I was playing Marco Polo by myself
in the LA River this morning.
You actually can't do that.
I got sucked
into a vortex, kids,
and the lizard people took me.
They did tests on me.
They mated with me.
Alright, let's talk
about trick or treating.
Long story short,
now I can never die.
It'll be my greatest curse,
right, kids?
I'm having a bad time.
Let's talk about
what's scary on Halloween
that maybe doesn't need
to be so scary.
What is scarier
than what I just told you?
- Oh, Captain
Colors, did you hear that sound?
Sounds like
we just got a letter.
In what fucking world does
getting a letter make that sound?
Toby, age five,
from Arkansas says,
"I love Halloween,
"but I'm scared of haunted houses.
What do I do?"
Well, Toby, you have to remember
that everyone in a haunted house
is a person, just like you...
Don't! Let me talk to you
for a second, man-to-man.
No!
Toby, I'm going to give you
some coordinates and a machete.
I need you to come here
and kill me.
No, we're not giving Toby
any coordinates.
It may not work the first time,
but I will give you
so many shares of my company
if you just keep chopping.
Plopsie, you have a company?
- I sell used needles.
- You sell them used?
Yeah, but we make it up
in volume, baby!
Okay, uh...
O-okay.
Okay, Kayla M. From Michigan
is seven years old.
Kayla, what poisons
does your daddy have?
Plopsie, I'm going to need you
to stop asking children to kill you.
Also, can you pull your weight?
We're only supposed
to do the intro,
and you're making us steer
this whole thing.
- Uh, oh shit, hold that thought.
Uh, my date's waiting for me
in the bathroom.
I gotta wrap this up.
In the bathroom?
Yep, handicap stall.
Plopsie's still got it!
- Okay, no, can we...
- Can we roll the song?
Don't you fucking dare, Jeff!
- Please do the song.
- Just roll the song...
- Come on, Je...
- Oh shit, here we go.
- No, no...
- Okay, can we evacuate the kids.
There's going to be a fire.
Stop, stop.
- Uh-oh.
No. No matches. No!
Okay, the studio's on fire.
Uh, yeah, I'm just...
Everybody follow me outside.
Welcome back, folks.
Wow, that was sure was
a fooky, spooky, funny time.
You're darn right it was.
That's what's so great
about... the Palonis
and, and what we do.
You know, this is why
th-th-this whole thing is so special.
- Well, hey, guess what?
- We're taking this on the road.
That's the news.
That's the big announcement.
Cheruce, is Little Long-Legs
in his costume yet?
Yep.
I'm Tiny Short legs.
Little Long-Legs,
your legs are like your whole shtick.
Why, why would you pick a costume
that doesn't show them off,
you know, like, like show those,
show those bad boys off, baby.
I hate my long legs. I'm ugly!
Oh, come on, you shouldn't be
ashamed of your long legs, little guy.
- Why not?
- They're so long and nasty.
Shut up, Cheruce!
Be quiet for once.
It's okay. Look, I-I think
your costume is great,
and I think everyone
will love it.
I want candy!
What the fuck are you
supposed to be dressed as?
You fucking piece of shit.
That is so offensive.
It's not the '90s anymore.
You might as well be
in a fucking black face.
Oh, you didn't know
we lived here?
Everybody knows us.
This is targeted bigotry.
This is no accident.
Check out this next short.
At least those are mostly good.
Um, I should take this.
Hello.
Hi. Hey, can I call you back?
I just...
What do you mean
I need to come in?
More testing.
I see. Okay.
Um... thank you.
Had a screening
for cancer last week
and, um, come in for more testing.
That can't be good, right?
I don't even know
why I'm telling you this.
I mean, how would I even come in?
I mean, I'm stuck
in the middle of the woods.
What's that?
I'm so sorry.
Aah!
Aah.
You're officially cancer free.
Can I just say thank you.
You know, for, for being here with me
at every step
of the way, Rubber Face.
You have...
Oh!
Oh, dear God, please don't.
I have children, please.
It's my oncologist.
Hello.
You know, now it's not the...
What do you mean
I need to come in?
Cancer.
What the fuck.
Th-th-this is a disaster, alright.
This is not the show
that Hulu signed off on, Leroy.
Right now, we should be
smack dab in the middle
of Philvia Crim's
incredible human pretzel routine.
- Where the fuck are we?
- I'm really sorry, folks.
I don't know what to do either, Reggie.
I don't like being
off the rails like this.
Let me just think.
I'm afraid
there's no time to think.
My name is Dr. Toomis.
I work at the local
mental institution
for the criminally insane.
Have you seen this man?
Is that Michael Myers?
No, it's Dana Carvey.
Sorry, no, Dana Carver.
He's wearing a Dana Carvey mask.
Garth from Wayne's World.
His birth name is Dana Carver.
He's my patient. He escaped.
He carves up his victims
into what can only be described
as human salad.
- Uh, listen, sorry.
- We're not interested.
We don't have any money.
We're trying to host a show here.
Uh, everybody watching at home,
uh, bear with us.
- I'm trying to figure this out.
- No, I'm not homeless.
Dana is carving his way
through this town, please!
I'm warning you and everyone.
My name is Dr. Toomis.
You know, Leroy, I got
a confession to make to you.
I-I-I did have cash on me.
I've, I've got $50 of cash on...
- Keep it.
- He'd just use it on drugs.
Well, yeah, listen, it's, it's...
He'll be fine.
He'll land on his feet.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
I mean, did you see
how he was dressed?
He was dressed better
than me some days.
Yeah, he's probably
got somebody...
Hey, probably some angel
out there looking out for him.
Oh, oh, Leroy.
Watch out for that bowl of body parts.
- Oh geez, thanks, Reggie.
- Almost stepped in it.
Kind of looks like,
I don't know, human salad.
Huh, only on Halloween, right?
Ugh, gross.
Oh, grosser than Guy Shrunt
and his tight five about that
Michael Jackson docu...
- What is a "tight five"?
- It's a comedy term.
The Guy Shrunt
Michael Jackson bit is great.
I... Shut up.
Doesn't make any sense anymore.
Leave the cards out of it.
- Just forget the cards.
- Fine!
You know what?
Leroy, I got an idea.
Why, why don't we throw
to two shorts
instead of, instead of just one short.
- Yeah, okay, that's perfect.
- Two shorts in a row.
Yeah, two shorts. Yeah, yeah.
That's unorthodox for us,
but we're going to do it.
Well, the audience sure must be happy
about hearing that.
Uh, take it away, two shorts.
- Take it away.
- Here you go, two.
Hey, manager.
You're the manager.
I have a problem.
My apartment smells
like both piss and shit.
It also smells
a little bit like salami.
But that part I'm okay with!
I got to, um, um, um, um
inspect the yoga room.
Whew!
Man, I don't want to deal
with any problems today.
Reed, thank God you're here.
I have a problem.
Bronwen, unit 403.
Sorry, but I'm, uh,
here to practice, uh, yoga.
Always dodging responsibility.
Remember the broken elevator.
It's been months.
- I fixed that.
- So, you're here for yoga.
Do you even know how to do yoga?
Do I know how to do yoga?
Do I know how to do yoga?
You don't know how
to do yoga, do you?
So I don't know how
to do yoga, is that so?
- No!
- Woo-ha!
Wow, you do know how to do yoga.
This morning,
my neighbor tried to bite me.
I think he's a zombie.
It's Halloween.
Probably just trying to spook you.
- Was he wearing a costume?
- He was nude.
- I've heard enough.
- Sounds like a zombie.
Let me guess,
but you are not going to do
anything about it.
Wrong again.
I'll shoot the motherfucker
in the head.
It's broken.
It's not broken.
Strawberry lime.
Your yogurt.
You can smell that far away?
I can smell the milk
and bacteria.
That's how good
I am at smelling.
- Go ahead, press the button.
- It's broken.
It's not broken. I fixed that...
How the hell
you stay still during all that?
Because there is nothing wrong
with the elevator,
I fixed it, per what I've
been saying this whole time.
Who is it? I'm nude in here.
It's Reed.
- Oh please, don't shoot me.
- I'm nude.
You're a zombie
idiot.
First, I'm nude. Now this.
Ow! My eye.
- That's right.
- Surprise, we're both zombies.
It was our elaborate plan
to lure you up here and eat you.
They'll replace you with a manager
who actually does work around here.
Your management is a disaster,
but soon you'll be
nothing more than a meal.
Why is he smiling?
You both fell for my plan.
I knew you were a zombie
the day you moved in.
Smelling your yogurt
was the final proof.
In addition
to strawberry and lime,
I detected gray matter.
Yogurt made from brain.
Oh, and shooting yourself
in the eye was part of your plan?
- It was the perfect distraction.
Oh!
What did you do to me?
I intentionally left the elevator broken
waiting for this off chance.
And your yogurt was
the perfect receptacle
for the acid that I brought.
But what about me?
I could still eat ya', you know?
Go ahead.
- Is this part of your plan too?
- Eat me.
- What if I don't want to?
- Eat me!
I don't want to!
Ho, ho!
- Oh!
Huh?
Hmm?
I told you not to invite Steve!
Oh!
Stop running!
- Oh man, that was great.
- Right, folks?
Sorry, folks at home.
Just as soon as
Little Long-Legs gets his candy,
we'll be back on track
at Mr. Winchell's house in no time.
Uh, yep, yep.
That's, that is how
it's going to work.
Would you slow
the fuck down, you little cretin?
All the best houses are up here.
They give us full-size candy bars.
Oh no.
He's headed into the abandoned
Fletcher house, Leroy!
Cheruce! Catch him!
- I'm trying, goddammit.
- He's too fast.
Cheruce, you, you idiot!
He's, he's in this
fucking nightmare house now.
- Fuck you, Reggie.
- Get off my back.
Hey guys, listen. We...
Let's just keep it together, okay?
L-L-Leroy, we should probably
just throw it to the next short.
- Just throw it to the next short.
- Uh, okay, yeah.
Um, everybody, buckle in
for the next Halloween short.
Take it away.
Goddammit,
the cupboards are bare.
What's that?
Vegan foie gras, expired in 2014.
Yeah, I'm so hungry.
Stupid fucking demanding bodies.
Oh, what sort of gum is that?
Yeah, it smells really good.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, fuck.
So fucking hungry.
Oh, God.
Dude, back off.
Oh geez, Owl.
You don't gotta be
such a fucking homophobe, man.
Just trying to smell
your mouth, for fuck's sake. God.
Owl, you must have some cash
hidden away up your boring ass.
Please, we're starving.
Well, first of all, Mogg,
go fuck yourself.
And secondly,
I told you I got fired from my job
because somebody
hacked my Twitter.
Owl, how many times
do I have to apologize?
I'm sorry.
I was very high.
Oh hey, I got it.
Let's go trick or treating.
- What?
- Werewolf Jones, we're in our 30s.
No, come on, come on.
L-listen, let's get all dolled up
and go out begging, right?
What's the worst that could happen?
Here, I'll rack up a few lines.
Okay. This, this.
Pretty good.
Oh yeah.
There you go, have at it.
Meet you outside in five.
Ooh, Megg, sexy witch.
Yep, figured I may as well
completely debase myself.
Frank-n-furter?
Uh, yeah, time warp.
Alright, let's do this.
Owl, what the fuck, dude.
Did you all just go
through my laundry?
I'm going to have to burn
all that stuff now.
Whatever, let's do this.
Ah, nobody home.
Hey, look, the window's open.
Come on.
Okay, well, this quickly devolved.
Fuck, It's dark in here, right?
Where's the kitchen?
I smell food. Beef!
Through here.
Holy shit!
Run. Owl, come on.
Oh, my fucking face.
- Where's Jones?
They got him.
They fucking got him. He's dead.
- Oh, God.
- What are we going to do?
Oh, I think I might have
to go to the hospital.
Oh.
Ugh, Owl, that's disgusting!
- Dude, put a bag on your face.
- We don't want to look at that.
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
- Who's that?
- That was a fucking cop-knock.
Let's get out of here.
Where?
Megg, where are we going?
We'll steal a boat
from the marina.
We're sea-people now.
Guys, guys, let me in.
I left the rest
of my coke in there.
I need a bump.
Okay, I think we're
in international waters.
I'm cold.
Here, let's do some more lines.
- Oh.
I hate you guys so fucking much.
- Little Long-Legs!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Where are you?
- Where is he?
- Where are you?
Where you at, Little long-Legs?
- He can't hear you, shit bag.
- He has diabetes.
Just a minor hiccup here, folks.
We'll be back on track
in, in just a minute.
I can't believe this, Leroy.
- I, I can't believe this.
- I know. It's insane.
It's worse than insane, it's...
Listen, we're going to find him
and get out of this house.
I hope so, I hope so.
If not, I'm just saying, if not...
- We will.
- Come on, let's fucking go.
The homeless guy.
How the hell did he get
ahead of us?
- I don't know.
- Look at his calves.
I mean, th-this guy, this guy runs.
Look at 'em.
This guy definitely runs.
Human salad!
You kids are going to look
so much better
topped with croutons
and Parme-sian cheese.
Oh, my fucking God,
we're going to die.
Just run! CHERUCE: Holy fuck!
He's, like, right behind me.
Everybody at home,
just, just check out
this next short
while we figure this out.
Surprise!
Jesus H. Christ, guys.
What the fuck?
Jesus.
I almost had a heart attack.
Come on, man.
I walk into a room
and you yell, "Surprise!"
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck all of you guys.
You and you and you
and you and you.
I haven't watched
that footage in a long time.
It's still very hard to watch.
That was 50 years ago, tonight.
Half a century, lot of water
under the bridge.
Yeah, that was my birthday party.
More scared than I have
ever been in my life,
before or since.
I hope nobody watching this ever
has to feel the level of terror
that I felt that night.
I felt unsafe.
Very unsafe
and terrified.
What those people did to me
at that party was terror-ism,
because they terrified me.
Ever since that night,
that fateful night, uh, uh,
Mr. Mayor plans
his own birthday parties.
Uh, Teresa has been
removed from that duty,
right, Teresa? Right?
Right, Teresa?
Honey?
Dear?
Because of the sheer,
unadulterated fear
that I felt that night,
I was able
to implement legislation
that I called
the "Carefree Scare-Free bill."
It's a bill that I brought into law
that says that nothing scary
can ever happen here again.
It's been that way for 50 years.
Nothing will scare you
in Right behind you ton.
Count on it.
No skeletons?
No.
- Vampire teeth?
- No.
- Fake blood?
- No!
- Fake skeletons?
- No!
Ma'am, you're going
to want to cooperate
if you want to get into town.
I am co-operating.
- Come on through.
Ha, keep going.
Hey, Neil, I checked these ones
last night, they're okay.
What was that?
Her, I'm not so sure about,
check the trunk.
Well, you see, my family's run
this pumpkin farm
for over a century, yeah.
You know,
about five generations or so.
It wasn't until
about 50 years ago
with the passing of
the "Carefree Scare-Free Act"
that we had to start
paintin' the suckers.
Blue, red, indigo.
Can't do orange though,
because orange is the scary kind.
Also, we gotta coat 'em
in this here resin,
at least one to two inches thick
so no one goes around carving
any scary faces
into the suckers.
Mm.
You know, I've been called
to armed robberies.
I've been in high-speed chases.
I've been involved loosely
in sexual stuff
that is a little out
of my comfort zone.
Mm-hmm.
Nothing prepares you for this.
Couple of these slip through
every year,
but, uh, we always catch 'em.
Neil, can we get this
covered up please?
So, Halloween,
obviously, that's out.
And guess what?
We don't miss it.
Because what's Halloween about?
What do people like
about Halloween?
Well, people like dressing up.
Hey, that's a great costume.
Who you dressed as
this Mayor Day?
I dressed as the mayor.
I should have known that.
You look wonderful.
You look great.
And so does your mom
and so does your dad.
- Thank you.
- Family of mayors.
You don't like Halloween?
Come here and celebrate
Mayor Day with us.
Just wear one of these,
'cause that's what I wear.
- Thank you!
- Miss Micelli, you sent a wonderful
I'm proud of you too.
- Thank you.
- I love you back.
Fellow citizens,
family
friends.
I am so pleased and proud
to be here with you
celebrating our 50th Mayor Day
here in this town.
The people who were
in attendance at that party
on that night
are also here tonight.
Most of them are still with us,
so let's give them
a rousing round of applause.
- Thank you. You're too kind.
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
You guys gave me the biggest scare
of my life back then,
but you also gave me
the greatest idea
of my life back then
and you get...
What's happening?
Oh, my God, what?
What's happening?
What's happening?
No, no, no.
Yes! Yes!
Gotcha, bitches!
Why are you laughing?
You fell for the old
"town where nothing scary happens"
for 50 years trick.
- Yes! Yes!
- What?
Yeah, scared, Teresa?
I want a divorce, tonight!
Neil, serve her the papers.
Ha, ha!
Bye!
Oh, Teresa, I'm sorry.
Halloween is back!
Goodbye, Mayor Day!
Hello, Halloween!
- Little Long-Legs!
- Cheruce, grab him!
Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done on Earth as it...
Holy shit!
Oh shit.
I fucking hate this.
What's this guy's
fucking problem?
I don't know,
I don't know what the fuck...
Run, run, run! Hurry!
What the fuck is this?
Come over here
and get against the wall.
- We're going to die!
- We're going to die!
We can't die on camera.
That was part
of the contract with Hulu.
Um, everybody, just watch this.
Take, take it away.
Don't listen to the lies.
No one does meat anymore.
Eating animals is wrong.
People taste better.
The only true
cannibal restaurant for miles.
Family business since years ago.
Never chewy ligaments.
My name is The Owner,
and I don't mess around.
You want rotten dogs?
Go and see my competitors.
A prime selection of young meat.
Ethically sourced.
I'm Jason.
And if you are watching this,
I'm already dead.
I was eaten at...
Clacky's!
By the cream of society
and so can you be.
Ten thousand likes guaranteed.
And just look at
these stunning babes.
Never work again.
I've seen the apocalypse,
and now I'm ready for God.
Life isn't great until you're famous
for an hour or so.
And once someone here
was eaten by a famous rapper.
Got a six-figure T-shirt deal.
Good evening.
Welcome to Clacky's.
Thank you, come in.
Take a seat.
Have a go and have a seat.
You'll have a good time.
Aya!
Go and have a check
on tonight's star guest.
Okay, Dad.
Um, hi.
Uh, are you alright?
All, all set to go?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm ready for death.
I can't wait to shake God's hand
and say good work, old chap.
Can I, can I get you anything?
Um, a can of pop or an orange?
Well, it may seem strange,
but may I meet my slaughterer?
Oh yeah, yeah, of course.
Clarence!
- Well, hello there.
Yes, you must be
tonight's slab of gristle.
Don't worry, I'm gentle.
I, I assumed you'd be human.
Yes, well,
it's a legal loophole.
- Guh... Do you have a reservation?
You took my boy away.
I know he agreed to it,
but you took him out of this world
and fed him
to vultures and beasts.
Madam, please.
We do not serve vultures here.
We serve the highest of society.
Your son died for a good cause.
You did him in.
You slaughtered his carcass
for profit.
Well, he did willingly
go through the application.
And you promised him
10,000 likes on his socials.
And I know it's only been
a few weeks,
but this is nowhere near 10,000.
Could you, uh,
possibly do another retweet?
Sure, okay, great, no problem.
And, and my Instagram.
I want mine cooked alive, mommy.
I want to taste its fear.
Will they serve babies?
I hope they have some baby
on the menu tonight.
- Yes, dear, I'm sure they will.
- I'm sure.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's main course is Nigel.
He wanted to be an engineer,
but it seemed like a lot of hard work,
and nobody likes that.
So tonight, he cuts his life short
to serve you, our finest.
But before he is butchered,
he'd love to meet you all.
So, bring him out.
Uh, one moment, chaps.
I will just check
and see where he is.
Aah! Get me out of here,
I've changed my mind!
You better let me go.
Why isn't he tranquilized?
Um, Lady Fridgely called ahead
and she requested
untranquilized meat tonight.
Well, you still do it.
Please don't let me die.
- Come here, boy.
Let me slice you into pieces.
No, not out there.
Oh, my God.
It's a beetle.
What is that doing here?
To think such creatures
handle the food.
- Oh, come on.
- He's one of the good ones.
Dinner has escaped.
But la-ladies
and gentlemen, hold on,
but don't leave because, uh,
we have some backup meat.
Oh no, man.
What's going on?
I can't handle this, man.
No, it's the only
haunted house in the city.
Oh, hey, everybody.
We escaped the killer
by the thick of our teeth.
Thin of our teeth.
The good news is,
the police are on their way.
I think we're,
I think we're going to be alright.
It's the abandoned Fletcher house.
We're in the closet
in a creepy old trophy room,
you fucking idiot.
Leroy, the 911 lady says
we gotta stay really quiet,
so do you think Hulu
would be mad or upset
if we had a part of the special
with mostly whispering?
No, I want candy!
Shut the fuck up,
you're going to get us killed.
No, let go of me, I want candy!
Shut the... be quiet.
Holy fucking shit!
Nooo!
Come on, let's go!
Why is this happening?
Come on, hurry.
Everybody, just take a look at this next,
really funny Halloween short.
So, Nugget, I heard you've got
a date with a girl tonight.
Yep.
Oh, that's,
that's fucking awesome, man.
A real girl, aye?
Ha ha, good on ya.
Yep. Going to try
and have sex with her.
Oh, are you serious, man?
Oh, that's so cool.
I'm so happy for you, eh.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks, mate.
It's like,
it's like the 57th date.
So, yeah,
feeling pretty good
about it, yeah.
Wait, this is the 57th date?
Yeah.
Yeah, 57 or 56 or in
the mid-50s, somewhere.
Yeah, about that.
Oh, okay.
And... and you haven't, like,
done anything with her or nothing yet?
Well, I mean,
we've... I've... we've like,
we've, like, eat... we've talk...
We've talked and...
Yeah, sure.
And we went to dinner and stuff.
Yeah, we've done that stuff.
Okay. Yeah, no that's,
that's cool.
Yeah.
- Um, you have...
- You haven't, like, kissed her
or held her hand or nothing?
Well, I mean, not specifically.
No, we haven't done that,
but we have,
we have had sushi together and...
Yeah, dinners and stuff. Yeah.
Like I say, we've talked.
So, I mean,
we're, you know,
we're getting there.
We're working up to it.
- Yeah, okay.
- So, you... you're like... you're not...
You don't want to rush into anything
basically, is what you're saying.
Yeah. I mean...
Yeah, you just never know
in this day and age, you know.
Like the whole "me too" era
and everything.
You gotta just be
a bit careful, don't you?
Can't just go full on.
No, I, I get you.
Yeah, you just, just want
to take it slowly, don't you?
- Just take it slow.
- Just, you know, see what happens.
Just, you know, go with the flow.
Well, I mean, the good thing is
she probably appreciates that,
doesn't she?
That you're not, you're not one
of these guys that just wants sex.
- Well, that, you know, that...
- Yeah, that is how I see it.
I just, I want her to know
that I respect her enough,
that I don't, I don't think about that.
Yeah, you don't think about it?
I mean, yes, I do,
but I, I want her to think
I don't think about that.
- Yeah.
- If that makes sense.
- No, that does make...
- Yeah, that makes sense.
I think she'd appreciate that.
Yeah, well, I think so.
And, you know, like I say,
something about tonight
just feels right.
Feels like something
could happen finally, you know?
- Yeah. Well, yeah.
- Good luck to you, mate.
Well, I'm, I'm, I'm rooting for ya'
to have a root.
You get it?
Like, have a root. Like, sex.
- Oh, you know I get it!
- Yeah, oh no, I get it!
No, I get it!
- You like that, yeah?
- You'd have a root.
No, no, I get it.
Yeah, no, just a little bit of,
just a bit of fun.
Well, Happy Halloween, mate.
- Oh, yeah.
- It is Halloween, isn't it?
- I forgot.
- Yeah, 31st of October.
Oh yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Yeah, thanks, mate.
Good luck to ya'.
Oh!
- Mr. Stuffy!
- There's no time.
Cheruce, stay with me.
- Boo lie Doom Bah Lo! Oolie Bahlah!
Give me the power, I beg of you!
He's doing a Child's Play!
Shoot him harder!
Boo lie... boo... balah!
Alright, boys.
I think we served
enough justice here.
Officers, if you don't mind,
my sister really needs help.
Officers, be advised,
the suspect of the third street
trash can graffiti has escaped
and is currently
impersonating an officer.
He could be any one of us.
This is scary, this is serious.
Proceed with caution, fellas.
Uh, Leroy, I think
we should get out of here.
I don't know if you can hear me
over these loud gunshots,
everybody,
but check out this next
Halloween short.
Uh-huh.
And yep...
Wow, if I don't say so myself,
this is looking pretty good.
- Hey!
- Ah!
- Yeah, hey.
- You with the tweezers.
Oh, hello.
Yeah, I know. Weird, right?
Little man living in your model town
or whatever this thing is.
But hey, today's your lucky day.
'Cause I can make
all your dreams come true!
Anything you ever wanted
or wished for,
I could make it happen!
All you gotta do is say
my name three times.
- Wow, yeah.
- Uh, okay, what's your name?
Well, that's the thing.
I can't say it.
So, uh, h-how's this work?
- Do I have to guess or what...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's...
- Uh...
How am I going to know it?
Oh. Okay, here.
Take this, here you go.
Okay. Let's see.
I can't say that.
- Come on, what's the big deal?
- It's my name.
What are you trying to say?
That's, that's,
that's what they call me, man.
That's my name.
Okay. Well, just to be clear,
I say this horrible,
horrible thing...
- Uh-huh.
- And then I get whatever I want.
Yeah, yeah.
- Anything, infinite wishes.
Yep, right. Yeah.
But, uh, you gotta say,
you gotta say it in a crowd.
Yeah, at the top of your lungs.
Gah...
Three times.
Yeah, or it doesn't work at all.
Okay.
- You... you're go...
- Yeah?
Yeah, why not?
I'm going to go do it.
Attention, everybody.
I have something
to say three times.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
It's working, it's working.
Ay-yay-yay.
Ooh. He's coming back,
he's coming back.
You said it?
You actually said it?
Oh, you idiot.
You can't go around
saying shit like that.
But you said you were going to make
all my dreams come true.
No, no. Fuck no, man.
You're crazy.
You think I'm going to help you?
Fuck you.
I think you're a shitwad.
- You said...
- And you're ugly.
I don't even want
to be seen with you.
- What have I done?
- Oh, my God. What an idiot.
Alright, I'm, I'm done with this.
I'm going inside.
What am I going to do
with all these bottles?
Cheruce, can you hear me?
Say something.
Welcome back, folks.
Let's check out
the incredible finger painting
of Tony Shandles.
Le-Leroy,
she-she's going to be okay, right?
She's... she's gone.
Okay, at least she's safe
in hell now, you know.
Oh, my God.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Okay, okay. No, wow.
No, it's rea...
It's sinking in now, Leroy.
It's, it's hitting me.
It's all real.
This must be what
rock bottom looks like.
I fucking quit!
Fuck you, fuck Hulu!
Fuck Halloween
and fuck the police!
I, I, I can't do it, Leroy.
I can't host the show anymore.
Me neither, we're done.
You know, I guess
the show won't go on.
You know, we blew our shot with Hulu.
It doesn't even matter.
It's over.
I want Mr. Stuffy!
You fucking monster.
You got the special ruined
and you killed Cheruce.
Okay, Leroy, take it easy.
Here's what we're going to do.
I'm calling Aunt Stephanie.
Her party is over.
We gotta get rid of this kid
before we hurt him.
I'm going to hurt him, Leroy.
I can feel it
building inside me.
I'm going to hurt him.
Hi, you've reached Stephanie.
I'm not here, bye.
This can't be happening.
- Is this real?
- No, fuck that, alright.
We're going to go
drop him off at the party.
Hey, Siri, locate Aunt Stephanie.
Wait, what?
It says she's right there.
Alright, look, Leroy, here's,
here's what's going to happen.
We're going to throw it
to the next short.
And then we're going to drop
this little bastard off
and be done with him.
He's a fucking piece of shit.
And I'm sick
of pretending he's not.
I'm, I'm really sorry
about this, Hulu.
I'm trying to come to terms
with this right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm in shock.
Th-th-this is not the show
we wanted to make.
This is not the special
we wanted to do.
My sister's dead.
She's, she's gone.
Cheruce is gone.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's check out the...
Just throw it to the next...
Just play the thing.
Just play, whatever.
I'm freaking out!
- Play it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a strange tale
you're about to behold.
This story is just the beginning.
The beginning of the end
of the world.
I'm going to be a hero.
Exclaimed the bold young man,
forgetting that unrequited love
had broken
his frail young heart.
- Johnny!
- Johnny, come, it's urgent!
Called his mother
in a very urgent tone.
I'm on my way!
He said forgetting that the world
was going to end that day.
A pair of aliens
from outer space arrived
to take over and humanity erase.
Literally.
Then they zapped a cat
crawling on the floor,
believing it was a man
walking on all fours.
Then they zapped a tree
from their spaceship in the air.
Because we were convinced...
It was a man with bushy hair.
So they landed in a tub
and they met an old lady.
This one is actually a human.
Let's turn her into gravy.
So the Armageddon started.
Here I am.
Mom?
The boy said immediately,
forgetting who had called him
in the first place.
He couldn't remember his mother
or why he was in the bathroom again.
All the memories erased
from his young and chubby brain.
Suddenly the plot thickens
and one of
the Martians disappeared.
Zap! Like the dickens.
I feel very confused,
I thought I had a friend,
but now it's just me,
I'm all alone in the end.
This amorphous...
- And viscous.
And viscous blob
swallows the memory
of things thrown in there.
For example,
if I throw in a comb,
people will forget what it's like
to comb their hair.
Ah, then I'm going
to throw in my cap
so that people will forget it.
Then I'm going to invent it myself
to make a lot of money.
Then I call the girl I like,
and then she's going to fall
in love with me.
But then Johnny remembered
that he wanted to be a hero.
I'm going to be a hero!
By throwing
all guns into the blob.
Then all wars would go to zero.
Nope, I don't want to do that.
No, I don't.
Hey Johnny, you're adopted.
That's why when
your mother disappeared, you didn't.
This, this seems pretty quiet
for a party, doesn't it?
Yeah, wait till
Aunt Stephanie sees
what her son did to Cheruce.
Help!
Mama.
Aunt Stephanie,
why are you all tied up?
Look at Cheruce, she's dead.
Those cool people I met
at the 7-Eleven
turned out to be cultists
who are killing people
because they think
it'll open this box.
I should have known
when cool people invited me to a party
that it was too good to be true.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
How nice of you
to join our little party.
Tie them up!
And throw that body on the pile
with the other failed attempts.
Three more victims to kill.
Three more scratches
at the lottery ticket
that is summoning
the great demon Turvok.
I want my Stuffy back.
Fuck, Leroy.
I did not think this night
could get any worse,
but, but it just did.
It just happened.
Maybe this is all just a bad dream,
and everything will be back to normal
after this next short.
Welcome.
This is my house of horrors.
Come and have a look around,
why don't you?
No, no, no, no. That's a baby.
Baby does not belong
in the microwave...
Huh?
Come here.
Huh?
Uh-oh.
Time for a spot of gardening.
You're in trouble now.
Ugh.
Hey, my baby!
Hey, I'm coming!
Ah.
These guys need taking out.
Got one.
Got one.
Do you want to see
what I keep under my bed?
Yo ink.
Come here, you little monkey.
That was a close one. Huh?
Whoa!
Ohh.
Aliens tried to put baby in microwave.
- Again?
- Again.
Well, maybe the stab and toss thing
isn't going to be
what summons Turvok.
I totally agree.
Well, I'm pitching the body works
exhibit-type thing.
Cut 'em up, fillet them out.
Nice! It sounds gorgeous,
but it's pretty involved.
I mean, they get professionals
to do that.
- You're saying I can't do it?
- What, I'm not good enough?
I'm not saying
you couldn't do it, eventually.
It's just as a friend, you tend...
Sorry, folks.
This isn't a dream,
it's more of
a fucking nightmare.
Leroy, I think I just put
something together.
You know,
all this gore and violent death.
Right, right? And Cheruce
getting stabbed in her fucking face.
Oh, my God.
That's what Cheruce said
a good Halloween special would have.
- Is, is this special?
- Is it good?
Yeah, yeah. I think maybe, yeah.
You know,
we may have went off the rails
and we may have never got
to see Mr. Winchell pie his dog.
Cheruce's death is
exactly what she said
would make this special amazing.
So... and I'm processing this still,
but I think that means
it's okay.
Look, here's what I think it means.
As things get crazier,
the chances of dying increase
along with the quality of the special.
That's going to be
a tough needle to thread,
because on one hand,
I'm excited 'cause I get it.
But on the other,
I really don't want to die.
Okay, Ted Bundy,
tell me wh-wh-what do you think
we should do?
Well, I would like
to fuck him in the mouth.
Oh!
- A little bit.
- Holy shit.
Maybe that's the thing
Turvok's looking for, a little...
The extra spice.
Ah, why didn't you say that earlier?
- We could have...
- I get nervous around you, you know?
Come on, this is a safe space.
Human salad is back on the menu,
you stupid sluts.
You filthy sluts.
Mr. Stuffy!
- What the fuck?
You filthy bitch!
You filthy sluts!
My husbands, no!
Everyone's dead.
I guess we're safe now.
Heh, heh, heh!
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck is going on?
Why is Mr. Stuffy a killer?
I love you, Mr. Stuffy.
What, are you guys dumb?
The human salad line
didn't tip you off.
It's me, Dana Carver.
I did a Child's Play!
Now please be quiet
so I can do this creepy walk
towards you.
No!
Holy shit,
he's coming right for us!
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah, yeah, he is, yeah.
But he's, but he's moving kinda slow.
He is moving slow.
I think we have like,
what, like, 60 seconds.
Maybe 90 seconds, I don't know.
But whatever it is,
whenever he gets over here,
we're going to be in big trouble.
I'm starting to think
maybe two minutes,
like a full 120 seconds.
- I think two minutes is a goo...
- Is probably about right.
Little Long-Legs,
I know I get mad
when you escape
being tied up at home
when mommy needs alone time.
But now I want you
to untie yourself.
Use those precious long legs
God gave you.
What the fuck.
Yeah, yeah, um,
Little Long-Legs, untie, untie.
I love my long legs now.
I had an arc. I arced out.
I'm doing it.
- Quick, Leroy, untie Aunt Stephanie.
- I got an idea.
You better do something,
I'm going to get there pretty soon.
- Mr. Stuffy!
- Way to go, Reggie.
I don't know, Hulu.
I think the Palonis
might have just pulled
a cat out of a bag on this one.
You guys are still hosting
that shitty show.
- Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
- Jesus, Aunt Stephanie, be quiet.
Yeah, look, and I just want
to say something else.
I really think, I really like
our Halloween special.
It's pretty good now.
You know, Cheruce, she's dead.
She's dead, she died, and that...
But I think that's alright,
because, because if she
would've seen how it turned out,
how her death
contributed to the special,
she would love it.
Yeah. Well, I mean,
I wouldn't say that it's okay
that Cheruce is dead,
but yeah, you know.
I feel good about the special.
Reggie, grab Cheruce's corpse
and let's go home
and finish this show,
having learned that
sometimes it's better
to let things go off the rails
than to, you know,
like, try to steer it
with your hands
all fucking tied to the wheel
and your fucking...
- You know what I mean?
- You said it, Leroy.
Ha. Alright, folks.
Check out our last Halloween short
for the night.
Dude, my fucking
science teacher wants me
to study fucking science
and shit.
But it's all bullshit, man.
It doesn't even make
any fucking sense.
Ah, dude, anyone would be like,
ugh, shit, man.
Hmm. You know what I noticed
about science?
Is that it's fucking dumb.
Hey, what are you kids
doing out there?
Take a hike, old man.
We're pissing on science books.
Yeah, man.
Well, if pissing
on science books is your thing,
you better not go messing around
down near that
old haunted spaceship
in the woods over there.
Oh, my God. CHIP: Whoa.
They say there's
something in there
that don't take too kindly
to little boys and little girls
who don't do
their science homework.
Well, that's it for me.
Whoa.
Dude, we were literally
just talking shit
about our science homework.
I mean, let's get out of here.
This is a little on the nose.
Will you two shut up, alright?
I'm trying to fucking party
in this fucking haunted spaceship.
Whoa.
Run!
- Oh shit!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hold on, hold on. Come on.
What the heck? Oh, my God.
Dude, what the fuck?
Dude, calm down.
Dude, it's an astronaut, alright?
He's a fucking nerd.
Does math and shit.
We can bully
our way out of this.
You don't understand, man.
Like, I know 'cause
I'm all shredded and shit,
everybody thinks I'm like
this fucking super macho tough guy.
But I have
all these feelings, man.
No!
Huh? Wha...
What the heck?
Oh man.
Oh!
No, don't do it, man.
No!
Ohh. No, no, no.
Oh, my God. Oh.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
Mm-hmm.
Well, folks, despite what we thought
was a complete disaster,
off-the-rails nightmare,
we pulled off one hell
of a Halloween special.
We even got Mr. Winchell
to keep Cheruce alive
in sort of a Jim Henson
Weekend at Bernie's way.
Hey, all's well that ends well,
right, Reggie?
- Huh, what?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Leroy.
I have just been obsessed
with this strange puzzle cube
I found at the witch's cabin.
And you know me and puzzle cubes,
you put one in front of me
and I, I won't put the dam,
the darn thing down.
- Holy shit, Reggie.
- Why is it glowing all over?
I have no idea, I was twisting.
- Did you solve it?
- I think I solved it.
Well, what the fuck does it do?
Ow!
Whew! Oh boy.
Thank you for getting me
out of there.
You have no idea
how many hundreds of people
have been sacrificed
just trying to summon me.
Jesus, people. Hello, come on.
It's just a puzzle cube,
like in Hell raiser, you know?
Anyways...
You have summoned
the great demon Turvok.
As per demon law,
I will grant you one wish!
No rules, no caveats!
I wish for candy.
Wish granted.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Our sister is dead,
and you wished for candy?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You have diabetes,
you can't have candy.
You fucking bitch!
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- Well, folks, that's all she wrote.
And I'm not talking about
that Angela Lansbury show
from the '80s.
Have a Happy Halloween
and hopefully we'll see you next,
at some point, eventually again.
Bye-bye, everybody!