The Parent Trap (1961) Movie Script

If their love's on skids,
treat your folks like kids
Or your family tree's gonna snap
So to make'em dig,
first you gotta rig
What have you gotta rig?
The Parent Trap
If they lose that zing
and they just won't swing
Then the problem falls in your lap
When your folks are square,
then you must prepare
What have you gotta prepare?
The Parent Trap
To set the bait, recreate the date
The first time Cupid shot 'em
Get 'em under the moon,
play their favourite tune
- John!
- Marcia!
You got 'em!
Lead 'em back to love
with a velvet glove
'Cause they're much too old
for the strap
Straighten out the mess with togetherness
The Parent Trap
John, they're playing our song.
Marcia, what fools we've been.
Straighten out their mess
with togetherness
Straighten out their mess
with togetherness
The Parent Trap!
All right, girls! A to Ks over here.
A to Ks? No, dear, you're an R. Over with
the P to Ss. Have we any X, Y, Zs here?
Here are your allergy pills.
One three times a day.
And your insect repellent
and your poetry book.
- Thank you, Staimes.
- Have a good summer, Miss.
- Name?
- McKendrick, Sharon.
- 18 Belgrave Square, Boston?
- Yes.
My grandmother said my tent
should be well ventilated.
Don't worry. You'll be ventilated.
Next girl.
No candy wrappers lying on the ground.
Always tidy.
Latrines over there. Mess hall up the hill.
McKendrick, you're in Arapahoe.
Follow me. Girls, wait here.
Come, McKendrick.
New arrival, girls. Name's McKendrick.
- Hi.
- The girls here will brief you.
Sure you'll be happy here.
See you after lunch.
- My name is Betsy. This is Ursula.
- How do you do. I'm Sharon.
You're in a good tent. Betsy's mother
sends her candy bars every week.
- I can't eat candy.
- Why not?
My grandmother thinks it ruins my teeth.
Hi, Mary.
Come on. I'm starved.
- The nerve! Coming here with your face.
- What are you gonna do?
- Do? What on earth can I do, silly?
- I'd bite off her nose!
- Who's she?
- I never saw her before.
At this time, I want to say welcome
to all our new arrivals.
Welcome to Camp Inch, new arrivals.
I am your supreme commander here
and my name is...
Miss Inch.
Yes. Miss Inch.
I'd like, at this time, to introduce
a visitor from the next hilltop over,
from the Thunderhead Boys' Camp.
Chief Eaglewood.
Thank you, Miss Inch,
and hello to all of you.
Looks like a crackerjack
troop of girls there.
Why am I here?
Well, that's our little surprise.
Trooper Stafford, ten-shun!
Stand up, boy.
What a dream!
Little surprise for you, young ladies.
Saturday night, we're having a dance.
Quiet, girls.
We've asked the Thunderhead Boys' Camp
to come over for the occasion.
We accept your invitation.
A word of warning. Watch your demerits.
Untidy little girls won't go to the dance,
so keep those tents clean,
your uniforms spanking fresh,
and we'll all be one big happy family!
Oh, no.
What are you staring at?
Excuse me, but haven't you noticed?
We look like each other.
Turn your head. Let me see that profile.
That's who it is!
She's the spitting image of you-know-who.
- Who?
- Frankenstein!
Not wanted!
Those monsters! They gopher-trapped us!
- Morning, Miss Inch.
- Morning, Miss Grunecker.
- Where would you like to start?
- Why not start with tent Arapahoe?
I'm sure you'll find it shipshape.
Think of all that we could share
Let's get together every day
Every day and everywhere
And though we haven't got a lot
We could be sharing all we've got
What if we get some ants
and dump them down her dress?
- Impractical.
- How do you find ants at night?
The three of them.
I'm so mad I could just spit.
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah
Two is twice as nice as one
Let's get together right away
We'll be having twice the fun
And you can always count on me...
I got an idea. Come on.
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah
- How do you like camp?
- It's OK, I guess.
I'm not coming back to this one.
They won't let you wear lipstick or perfume.
I feel naked without my lipstick.
- Where are you from?
- Monterey, California.
- That's great.
- You'd love California. I do.
- It's sort of marvellous, actually.
- It sounds great.
It's absolute fun living in California.
When I get from camp,
Dad takes me on a trek into the mountains.
Gee, that's great. Your mother lets you go?
I don't have a mother. Just Dad and me.
He's wonderful.
Besides, I know most everything
about camping and wood lore.
We have a ball -
just Daddy and me and Hecky.
- It's hot out here.
- Who's Hecky?
Our ranch foreman. He tells sensational
stories. He used to be a rodeo rider.
- They've started the music again.
- I guess we oughta?
I love dancing. I could dance all night -
especially with you, Wilfred.
- Where could she have done it?
- I don't know! I just went out...
Stay out of our tent from now on.
You vicious little wretch!
Stop it! Sharon, let go!
Stop it!
I've got a cake in my hands! Stop it.
You little wretches!
In the history of our camp,
that was the most infamous,
the most revolting, the most disgusting
display of hooliganism we have ever had.
Brawling in front of our guests.
And worst of all, sisters
who should be setting a good example.
- We're not sisters.
- I've never seen her before.
- They are, aren't they?
- No, Ma'am. Just look-alikes.
An amazing resemblance.
I gather that you two girls
don't get along together.
Have you ever heard
of Gilbert and Sullivan?
Yes, Ma'am.
They were composers.
They wrote a memorable song called
"Let the Punishment Fit the Crime".
Let the punishment fit the crime.
Sharon McKendrick, we are waiting.
Girls, follow me.
Girls, that's enough of this nonsense!
Go back to your activities!
All right, young ladies.
In here.
Four weeks left
and you'll spend them together.
Room together, eat together, play together.
You'll find a way to live with each other,
or you'll punish yourselves far better
than I ever could. Bye, girls.
It drives her crazy. I completely ignore her.
- Good!
- The Coventry treatment.
The silence will drive her out of her mind.
- My goodness! Hurry! Quick!
- I've got it!
Turn it down over there. Tight.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Gosh! Look at this mess!
- Are any of them spoilt?
- It didn't do them any good.
Darn! Look at this one. It's ruined.
That's a shame. Who is he?
Are you kidding? Ricky Nelson.
Your boyfriend?
I wish he was!
You mean you never heard of him?
Where do you come from? Outer space?
No. I'm from Boston.
Oh... Boston.
- Where's your home?
- California.
I've seen movies of California. Is it nice?
Sensational. We got a ranch in Carmel.
I got a picture. You wanna see it?
That's the house.
The stables go off down there.
- How lovely.
- I got my own horse.
We've got a lake. You can fall out of
the front door and go swimming any time.
- Who is this?
- My Dad. Isn't he dreamy?
He's very handsome. Is it cold in here?
I'm hot. Want a Fig Newton?
What's your pop like? Is he a friend
or one of those busy types?
I don't have a father, actually.
Mummy and Daddy separated.
She never mentions him now.
It's scary the way
nobody stays together these days.
- There'll be more divorces than marriages!
- Isn't it the truth?
- How old are you?
- 13.
So am I. I can't wait till I'm 18.
I'll get my own car
and go dancing till midnight.
- I'll be 14 November 12th.
- No kidding? That's my birthday too.
Isn't that peculiar? November 12th?
Hm-mm. Funny, isn't it?
Oh-oh. This one's full.
Hey, it's stopped raining!
- What is your mother like?
- I can't remember her.
- Did she die?
- Nope.
Busted up with Dad.
But she was fabulous, absolutely fabulous.
- How do you know?
- A picture on Daddy's desk.
But he caught me looking at it
and it's gone now.
Do you want to come
and get a popsicle with me?
How can you think of that
at a time like this?
At a time like what?
Don't you feel it?
Don't you know what's happening?
Don't you find it peculiar that we're
so alike and have the same birthday?
It's just one of those things, isn't it?
Will you come inside a minute, please?
Mother says I'm psychic. That I can sense
when something odd is going to happen.
I always get goose bumps. Look.
So what?
I don't understand.
What are you doing with her picture?
It's my mother.
But it's my mother too.
You go. I'm not hungry.
- I didn't know what to say.
- I know. I didn't either.
Golly! Sisters!
You know what probably happened?
They must have quarrelled and parted,
and just sort of bisected us -
each taking one of us.
- Why do you suppose they separated?
- I don't know.
I can't imagine anyone not loving Mother.
She's divine.
What about Dad? He's a sensational person,
as a friend and all.
The thing is that neither of them
got married again.
- You see what that means?
- Not really.
In their innermost hearts, they must
still be in love with each other.
Then why have they stayed separated?
That's how true love creates
its beautiful agony.
All splendid lovers have dreadful times.
Pellas and Mlisande,
Daphnis and Chlo.
History's jammed with stories of lovers
parted by some silly thing.
- Oh, my goodness! Oh, boy! Oh, my gosh!
- What's the matter?
You want to meet Father
and I'm dying to know Mother.
Well, what if?
It's so scary,
but we might be able to pull it off.
Pull what off?
- Switch places.
- Switch?
We could do it. We're twins.
I want to know Mother.
Look! Now I'm getting goose bumps.
Me too.
There's more to it
than just switching places.
- I believe fate brought us together.
- How so?
If we switched, they'd have to unswitch us.
Mother would bring me to California.
- They'd have to meet again.
- Face to face.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Exactly.
Let's get to work.
It's amazing.
You should wear this to meet Dad.
This is gorgeous! I'm going to wear this one
when I go to Boston. I adore it!
Susan, pay attention. The music room
and library are on the first floor.
Your room is the second door
on the second floor on the left.
The horse is Schotzli
and the dog is Andromeda.
Verbena collects the dirty laundry
on Monday... Sharon, pay attention!
But dirty socks are on Thursday.
My favourite food is chilli beans
and you gotta chew gum because I do.
Flat A's. Remember, all your A's are flat.
Talk fast 'cause everybody talks fast.
But I never bite my nails!
Sharon, you gotta. I always chew mine.
Anyhow, Dad'll know.
Go on, bite 'em!
Can't. Shan't. Aunt. Hmm?
No. Cah-n't. Shah-n't. Aunt.
Cah-n't. Shah-n't. Aunt.
Oh, I can't wait till camp is over.
- Cah-n't wait.
- OK. I cah-n't wait.
- But, Daddy...
- You're not taking it home!
Oh, Daddy, you big meany!
I spent so much time trying to get him.
It's got to be done methodically.
Recollection and memory.
- Get her talking about how they met.
- Find out about that first date.
- Sharon!
- That's you.
You must bring Mother to California.
Boston is no place to rekindle a romance.
Sharon McKendrick!
Goodbye, girls. Sharon McKendrick!
Your chauffeur's waiting, dear. Hurry.
The punishment was harsh, I know,
but you've survived it
and I hope you've both learned something.
- You'd be surprised, Miss Inch.
- Goodbye, Sharon. See you next summer.
Goodbye, Miss Inch... I cah-n't tell you
how very much I've enjoyed my stay.
I shah-n't tell my aunt
about the aunts... ants,
nor the debutantes, shall I? Bye.
- What did you do to your hair?
- I cut it. It was too hot long.
Wait till your grandmother sees it.
Miss Lockness, Bettina...
Upstairs. Third door to the left.
What's her name?
- Here goes nothing.
- What?
...The white wine and... Do we have
any more of the Louis St George?
We'd better have tickets
for the ladies' wraps.
Rosa, I want all the gilt chairs
in the music room.
- You asked me to remind you...
- Yes, yes.
Do see the maids keep quiet. They must
empty the ashtrays without clinking.
- Yes...
- I want both Steinways at the north end.
- Have you checked the delivery?
- I'll see about it now.
- You're home from camp.
- Hello, Miss Lockness.
- Did you bring home all your underwear?
- It's in my luggage.
Probably full of germs.
What have you done to your hair?
- Do you like it?
- Wait till your grandmother sees it.
Who's that I hear out there?
Is that my little girl?
That tall gangly thing?
- Hi, Grandfather.
- Hello, sweetheart. Oh, my.
Let me look at you. Have you had?
- What's the matter, dear?
- I'm just happy to see you.
And I'm happy to see you too.
Your Grandpa missed you around here.
It was an awful...
Wait a minute. What are you doing?
- Making a memory.
- Making a memory?
Years from now, when I'm quite grown up,
I'll remember how Grandfather
always smells of...
- ...tobacco and peppermint.
- Tobacco and peppermint!
I use the peppermint for my indigestion and
the tobacco to make your grandmother mad.
Welcome home, darling.
- Mother!
- It's so good to have you home.
Let me look at you...
What on earth have you done to your hair?
- Cut it.
- That's certainly obvious.
I thought something was different.
What's done is done. It'll grow again.
What's the matter, Sharon?
Are those tears I see?
- I can't help it, Mother. If only you knew.
- Knew what?
- Sharon! When did you get back?
- She just arrived. She looks wonderful.
What have you done to your hair?
- She cut it.
- I had to because...
If my opinion means anything -
which I doubt - I like it the way it is.
- Charles, stop burbling.
- I haven't burbled in years.
Go and read your newspaper.
- See you at dinner.
- Bye.
It doesn't look so bad.
It's hoydenish. Are you a boy or a girl?
Make up your mind. What's that?
It's a present I brought for you.
We made it... I made it for you.
- Thank you. What is it?
- A birdcage made of popsicle sticks.
- Come on upstairs with me.
- See you later.
- Did you make any friends?
- One girl in particular.
- Who is she?
- Just a girl.
- From Boston?
- No. Just from someplace.
Goodness, you're beautiful.
What is it? You're staring at me
as if you've never seen me before.
I don't know. I'm just happy
that you're here and you're you.
I'm happy that you're here and you're you.
Fasten me up.
- Did you miss me?
- Uh-huh. Did you miss me?
You'll never know.
Margaret, don't forget the Red Cross
meeting. I'll see you at the Somerset.
Stand up, child. Don't slouch. I hope
you haven't picked up bad habits.
- See you at the Somerset.
- Yes, Mother.
Why the frown?
You've got meetings and things.
I thought we could spend the day talking.
We have the whole weekend to talk.
I cannot cancel the Red Cross.
- What I have to say can wait.
- Yes, dear?
I just wanted to have a woman-to-woman talk
with you about Stafford.
Who's Stafford?
This boy I met at camp.
I just wanted your advice on something.
On what?
Well... I wanted you to tell me how long
you waited before you got married.
- Lockness?
- Yes, Miss Margaret.
Please tell my mother I can't meet her
and cancel my appointments.
- Cancel them?
- Yes. Something important has come up.
Sharon, what I'm trying to say
is that the decision to marry
is best left till you've lived longer.
Mother, you're right.
Stafford was much too juvenile for me.
Thank goodness for that.
To be perfectly frank,
the old zing wasn't there.
- Zing?
- Yes.
The charge that shoots up your spine.
Like when you met Daddy.
What was Daddy like?
Well, I don't know how we got around to him.
Is it terribly painful for you
to talk about Daddy?
No. Why should it be?
I don't know. I thought maybe when
you've been in love with somebody...
the recollection and the memory
might be bitterly painful.
Sharon, that was many years ago.
Don't dramatise it.
Where did he take you on your first date?
He took me to dinner - an Italian restaurant
in one of those basements in New York.
- It was called "Martinelli's".
- "Martinelli's"?
- Yes.
- Hmm.
You said there was music.
What song did they play?
- Song?
- There must have been a song.
The old "they're playing our song" thing.
If there was, I wouldn't remember it.
It was too long ago.
Though time may tatter
Our first sweet thrill
It doesn't matter
It never will...
- Hi, Peanut.
- Hi, Dad.
- How was camp?
- Fine.
No broken bones? No?
Come on, let's get the bags.
Here's my baggage check.
- Are you still biting your nails?
- You noticed. She told me you...
- What?
- Nothing.
I certainly did enjoy
all those nice long newsy letters.
We meant to write, but we just got
so tied up with plans and things...
- Who's we?
- Er... us. I mean... l...
Oh, us. There was a very nice girl there.
We became quite good friends.
That's mine. That's mine. There.
- Glad to be home?
- It's wonderful.
- Were you lonely while I was gone?
- I cried myself to sleep...
No. Seriously.
I got to play golf every day, poker at night.
I'd like to find a winter camp too.
- Ho ho!
- Ho ho! Good to have you home, goofy.
There's been a lot of things happening
since you left.
We ought to have a talk sometime.
- I have some things to tell you too.
- You have?
- But not now.
- OK.
Now I just want to think about getting home
and being with my father.
- My very own fah-ther.
- Own fah-ther?
Dad, it's beautiful!
It hasn't changed. Hecky!
- Yo!
- Look!
What have you got there with you, Mitch?
- Hi, Hecky.
- Hiya, darlin'.
Why did you bring her back?
I thought we'd got rid of her.
She was hanging around the airport.
- How was camp?
- Swell.
It's about time. We've been waiting all day!
Hi, Verbena.
Never mind hi. Give me a hug.
Hello, honey. Let me look at you.
- There's a change in you.
- Just the same as I always was.
No... You're not.
I'm not quite sure what it is.
Hi, Andromeda.
Stop that, Andromeda, you crazy dog.
It's Susan, you silly.
It's almost as if
your own dog didn't know you.
Funny, isn't it? Dogs are funny things.
I guess I'll go up to my room and...
- Come on and tell me about camp.
- Coming.
Tell me all about camp.
I want to get your laundry too.
- Come down when you get through.
- Be down in a minute.
Hello, darling. I'm glad you're back.
I was beginning to get bored.
Did you tell her anything about us?
- Good to be home again.
- Sure is.
Verbena... there's a woman downstairs.
There is indeed.
Who is she? What is she doing here?
I'm not saying a word.
I mind my own business.
If he wants to make a ninny of himself,
that's his affair.
- How did she get here?
- I don't say a word.
Except a man like your father
with a daughter going on 14...
He's not exactly a charm fellow with
a big teethy grin and lots of clever talk,
- so what does she see in him?
- I don't know.
I'll give you a million reasons
and they're in the bank.
It was always thus.
What was always thus?
I'm not saying a word. I'm not one to talk
about anybody behind their back.
But she's good. She's awful good.
Those cool blue eyes
looking right through you.
Riding, swimming, out to dinner,
but it's none of my business,
so I'm not saying a word,
not one single word.
Besides, you shouldn't talk about people...
Susie. We were just talking about you.
This is Miss Robinson.
- How do you do.
- I've been looking forward to meeting you.
Your father made you sound like a girl,
but you're practically a woman.
- I'm nearly 14.
- I think I'll make a couple of Martinis.
- I'd love one.
- Honey, do you want a ginger ale?
- Ginger ale.
- Sure. You get acquainted now.
- I hear you were away at camp. Was it fun?
- Yes, it was lovely, thank you.
Ever since I met your father,
it's been Susan this and Susan that.
It's wonderful that you're such
good friends. Can you keep a secret?
- From whom?
- Your father.
Then you'd better not tell me.
Daddy and I don't keep secrets from one
another. We tell each other everything.
No, dear. It wasn't that kind of a secret.
I just wanted to tell you that I find him
a very wonderful person.
Well, between us, he's not too brilliant
or clever with what he says.
You know, like the charm fellows
we all adore.
We were riding the other day
and he let me ride Schotzli.
I understand she's your horse.
I hope you don't mind my riding her.
No. Schotzli and I
are used to strange women riding her.
You know Daddy.
He's always playing the field.
- No, I didn't know.
- Oh, yes.
Every week he has some dame up here.
One week - I'll never forget -
he had five different women up here.
You don't say.
It's none of my business
if he wants to make a ninny of himself.
That's why I'm not saying a word.
Not one single word.
Here you are.
Did you two get to know each other?
Yes. We had a lovely little talk.
- Susan Evers?
- Yes.
- Go ahead.
- It's Sharon. How's everything?
Mother's the absolute living end!
She's gorgeous, breathtaking.
I got her talking about her first date.
Italian dinner...
Susan, listen!
And their song goes like this.
For now, for always...
I've got something to tell you...
- Susan!
- What?
You have to bring Mother out here now.
No! I just had one day with her.
I hardly got to know her.
It's an emergency.
There's a woman here and she's beautiful.
Is that all? Dad'll never get serious.
He's serious about this one.
He's trying to get us to be friends.
Well, bust it up.
Follow them and submarine her.
- You've got to get Mother out here.
- I want more time.
You've had her for 13 years! I won't. Do
the best you can and stay on Daddy's tail.
- Susan, please!
- I won't give up Mother this soon. Goodbye.
I'm glad you came today. There's something
I want to talk to you about.
- What is it?
- You know the girl you met - Vicky?
I thought we ought to be alone a little
so we could talk.
- I wanted to talk about something too.
- OK. Go ahead.
Those weeks at camp,
I've been wondering about my mother.
Why do you want to wonder
about something like that?
It's perfectly natural for a girl.
Where is she?
I don't know. Maybe she went to Spain
and married some drunk.
Daddy, that's not true.
All right. You wouldn't like her anyway.
Big staring eyes, red frizzy hair
and she was fat, really fat.
Then why did you fall in love with her?
You lose your head sometimes.
Besides, I... Wait a minute.
Fletcher, play on through.
I'll pick you up at the bar.
Sit down.
Honey, you don't want to start
thinking about your mother.
There's no need for that.
You can always talk to me about anything.
It's not the same.
Father and daughter is OK,
but when a girl gets to a certain age,
that's when she misses a mother.
Why? I mean...
- You mean to talk about certain things?
- Yeah.
I guess we never have talked about that.
This is a kind of odd place,
but it's as good as any.
We might as well get it over with.
- How much do you know already?
- About what?
- About what you were talking about.
- Absolutely nothing.
- Nothing?
- Well, you never brought up the subject.
Well, honey... All right. Let's get straight
on one thing first. Little boys.
I know how they are because I used to be
a little boy once, so I know.
- I don't know...
- I used to be a little boy and I know.
- I know about it.
- Daddy, you're too funny for words.
- What do you mean?
- I've known about all that for years.
- What were we just talking about then?
- What were you talking about?
Well, er...
I'd better putt out.
There's the little beast now.
She's nothing but a child.
She's a conniving, vicious, two-faced brat.
Just smile, pet.
Think of California and that wonderful
community property law, and just smile.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mitchell, darling.
- Hi, Edna.
- Who is this ecstatic bright-eyed child?
- It couldn't be...
- Sure. It's Susie.
- This is Vicky's mother.
- How do you do.
- This girl is the one you call Peanut Face?
- Daddy, really!
Come over here to your Auntie Edna
and we can get to know one another.
I want to hear all about you. Down you go.
- Hi.
- Did you tell her?
I started to,
then I don't know what happened.
- Oh, Mitch...
- All right. Let me do it my own way.
It's all settled. Susan and I have decided
we'll all have a jolly lunch here.
Edna, I'm sorry, we can't today.
I promised to spend the whole day
with Susie.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- That's all right. Another time, dear.
- You're an adorable thing!
- We're going to take a ride.
- Have fun.
- Bye, darling.
First change I make, off she goes
to a boarding school in Switzerland.
Honey, I've been meaning to ask you...
what do you think of Vicky?
In what respect?
Well... It's just an ordinary question.
No, it's not.
You asked me what I think of Vicky.
What do I think of Vicky as what?
If you asked me what do I think of her
as a fashion model or a famous aviatrix,
then maybe I can express an opinion,
but just to ask...
All right. What do you think of Vicky
as a person?
Daddy, I really couldn't say.
She's a perfect stranger to me.
- Race you to the house!
- Wait a minute. Susie!
I'm not through talking to you!
Hi, darling.
- Hi.
- Hello, sweetie.
He can't. He just can't.
It makes me so mad.
A man of his age.
All our work and our plans!
You used to confide in me.
Anything you want to talk over with me?
Like telling me why Andromeda
never comes near you?
Or why your appetite's changed?
Verbena, you are a mystic.
Mystic? I'm no mystic.
Asking me all these crazy questions.
I don't know what you're getting at.
You know what I'm talking about.
There's something very strange about you.
Are you sure there isn't anything
you want to tell me?
What do you want me to tell you?
I don't know. It's almost as if you were...
- That's impossible.
- Almost as if I were who?
Forget it, honey. Never mind.
You mean Sharon?
Where did you hear about her?
Oh, Verbena.
I've got to tell someone, but you've
got to swear never to tell Daddy. Promise?
- Try to be diplomatic.
- I know how to talk to my daughter.
She's not exactly insensitive.
Hi, Dad. Just getting back?
- Just a minute. I want to talk to you.
- Didn't know what a good thing you had.
Why did you run off? I want to talk to you.
I'm listening.
- Get comfortable.
- I am comfortable. What do you want?
First of all, about me.
You probably think of me as just your father
and to you I seem ancient and old...
- Not ancient, Daddy.
- Certainly not. I'm in my best years.
- OK. Don't get nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
What seems old to you
isn't really old when you get old...
I mean, when you get to be my age
it won't seem old to you at all and you'll...
Where did you learn how to play the piano?
- Oh... They taught us at camp.
- That's awfully good in five weeks...
Could you stop now?
- Sure.
- Pay attention.
I've been wanting
to have this little talk about...
What would you think
about our making Vicky part of our family?
- Part of our family?
- Uh-huh.
- I think that's a wonderful idea.
- You do?
I certainly do.
I've always wanted to have a sister.
- No, honey. You're missing the point.
- How sweet of you to want to adopt her.
No, baby. I don't want to adopt her.
I want to marry her.
Marry her? Oh, Dad!
You've just got to be kidding!
You can't marry her. She's just a child.
- She's a woman! Stop calling her a child.
- It's all relative. Don't you see?
- Compared to her, you're an old man.
- I am not!
You are too! It's the most revolting thing
I've ever heard!
I won't discuss it unless you stop shouting.
- But Dad!
- Stop it.
All right. I'm not screaming.
I will talk about this
perfectly calmly and rationally.
You can't get married!
You'll ruin everything! All our plans!
- What are you talking about?
- And my hair! Look at my hair.
I cut it for you. And my fingernails
I've bitten for you!
Of all the big-headed fathers!
All those days and weeks,
nothing but working!
And names and... Oh!
I tried to talk to her and she gets
hysterical. She's not making sense.
Let me speak to her for a minute, darling.
Make yourself scarce.
- Hello, darling.
- He's making a ninny of himself.
It came as quite a shock to you.
Men put things so badly.
Can't you and I discuss this calmly together
like grown-up women?
I'm sure we can.
You're not afraid to talk to me, are you?
I'm not afraid to talk to anybody.
You're old enough to understand
that wonderful mystery
that can happen between a man and woman.
I know what wonderful mystery
Daddy sees in you...
and I can't say I blame him either.
You're very nicely put together.
Your father underestimates you, I think.
I'm sure you won't, Vicky.
Susan, dear...
You've had him to yourself all this time
and I can understand that having
another woman around is an intrusion.
But all my life, I've hoped and waited
for someone like him -
someone gentle and mature,
rough-edged, but quick to laugh,
understanding and wise.
All things I love and cherish in him.
- Well, that's very refreshing.
- Why, dear?
Most girls run after Daddy
because he's so wealthy.
- You think I'd marry him for his money?!
- If the shoe fits, wear it.
I've tried to be friendly, but I'm going to
marry your father, so get used to the idea.
You wanna bet?
Honey, don't you play with the big girls.
You'll be in way over your head.
Get me Western Union, please.
For Sharon? A child of her age
getting a telegram?
Let her read it. It belongs to her.
Who would be sending her a telegram?
"Alexander Graham. Three a.m."
- California.
- Who could she know in California?
Bertha Waterbury. This girl I met at camp.
Sensational girl.
It's a rather cryptic message.
What does it mean?
She's crazy about this boy, Alexander.
And he took her on a date until three a.m.
- A child of that age!
- Now, Mother...
- Susan Evers?
- Yes.
- Go ahead.
- It's me again.
I know. I had a hard time
explaining your telegram.
went into a lecture on raising children!
You've got to believe me.
I'm in horrible trouble.
- Don't dramatise it.
- I'm not. It's serious.
- The worse thing.
- It's gone that far?
Mother ought to be here.
OK. Tomorrow morning I'll break the bomb.
How's Mother?
Kiss her for me, and Grandpa.
OK. Bye.
Oh! Hi, Grandpa.
Hi... Susan.
- Susan?
- Yes. Sit down.
I think you and I
ought to have a little chat.
We've got the Picasso exhibition
at four o'clock, Margaret.
- Are you coming, Charles?
- No, thank you.
Then Mrs Saunders' tea.
Caroline's daughter's coming.
- Really?
- Sharon, you've got dancing at 10.30.
Then straight on
to the musical appreciation course.
- Staimes can take her in your car, Charles?
- Yes.
- At three o'clock...
- I won't be able to do those today.
- What did you say?
- Sharon, you interrupted your grandmother.
I have something important to tell you.
Mother... I think what you and Daddy did
to us children is lousy! I think it stinks!
I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan.
Sharon is out in California with Daddy.
- Impossible.
- You can't be Susan.
But I am Susan! Sharon and I met at camp,
so we decided to switch places.
She bit her nails and I cut her hair.
And she's out in California with Dad,
swimming and riding my horse,
and I'm stuck with music lessons
that I hate!
I'm sorry, Mother.
But I wanted to see you,
and I miss not having a mother.
I love you very much,
and I wondered if you could love me as me
and not as Sharon... please?
Oh, Susan.
Oh, my darling. Why didn't you let me know?
Why didn't you tell me?
I couldn't help it. I wanted to know what it
was like to have a mother and everything.
My baby.
- Susan, darling!
- Oh, Grandmother.
- She's exactly like Sharon.
- I know.
- Louise?
- What is it?
- What is it?
- Most important.
What is it?
- They ought to be alone for a minute.
- Is that all?
Margaret hasn't seen her since she was one.
I'm her grandmother!
Louise, for once I'm putting my foot down.
Let them alone.
I've tried, Mother, honestly,
but I don't understand.
It doesn't mean your father and I
didn't love each other,
but sometimes people
just don't get on together.
So you have to switch us back again?
Legally, you belong to your father
and Sharon belongs to me.
His and hers.
Makes me feel like a bathroom towel.
It's lousy, isn't it?
Don't worry. We'll find a way.
Six months split.
That's how it's going to end up.
A lot of kids in camp had that problem.
Six months with one parent, six months
with the other - like a yo-yo.
I don't like it any more than you do,
but I'm not going to lose you now.
- Bettina, would you put this in your case?
- Yes, Ma'am.
- May I come in?
- Of course.
- I have you on the noon plane.
- That's not much time.
- Best I can do on short notice.
- Thank you.
Traffic's pretty heavy these days.
Are you wearing that dress on the trip?
- What's wrong with it?
- It's very nice.
Give my best to Mitch when you see him.
- I wonder what kind of a wife he has.
- Who said he's married?
A vital, romantic fellow like Mitch,
it's a cinch he's found a nice young wife.
I hope she likes the great outdoors
and can scale fish.
- No sour grapes now.
- Bettina, could you find my blue skirt?
Yes, Ma'am.
Margaret, I've got to hand it to you,
it shows strength of character not to go
with the new fashion trends in clothes.
What are you getting at?
I was just saying that...
Take your hairstyle...
- What's wrong with it?
- That's what I mean.
Women are wearing their hair
a little fuller...
- Are you looking for a fight?
- With my favourite daughter? No.
Don't get me wrong.
My goodness, you are what you are.
- I wouldn't change you for the world.
- Who's going to change?
- Stay the way you are.
- I certainly intend to.
A nice, reliable, settled,
comfortable woman,
who accepts the coming of age
with grace and dignity.
That's the most horrible thing
anybody could say!
You're flying off the handle and I only
came in to kiss you and wish you good luck.
Goodbye, daughter.
Give my regards to Mitch.
Come to think of it,
that dress seems perfect for you.
I'm all packed. What time do we go?
On the noon plane. Have you got
everything in we wanted for Sharon?
- How would you like to stop in New York?
- Yeah! Why?
We could do some shopping
before we head west.
We got a nice calf there.
What's eating you?
You ever have the feeling that something's
gonna happen? Like a storm brewing?
No. Come on.
Verbena, we're here! Sharon!
Verbena! We're here!
Come on, Mother.
- Darling!
- Verbena.
Mrs Evers! You look wonderful.
Let me take your things.
- I'll take them inside. Oh, darling!
- Verbena. How are you?
I'm fine. We've missed you.
- Thank you. Keep the change.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to show you
how lovely everything is.
- It was wonderful.
- Fine.
Mother! I'm so glad you came!
You look wonderful! What did you do?
- You like it?
- I love it.
Oh, darling!
Finally, both of you together at last.
- What do you think of each other?
- Fine.
We love each other.
- Hi, Sue.
- Hi.
- And just look at you. That short hair.
- I cut it, Mother.
- I like it!
- And I love yours, Mother.
- Where's your father?
- Out on a horse.
Are we in time?
- Time?
- Didn't you tell her?
Tell me what?
- Well...
- Dad's getting married.
- When is all this taking place?
- Saturday, supposedly.
She just infiltrated, Mother,
and before you knew it, Dad was hooked.
Mr Evers is slipping
into his second childhood.
He's old enough to know what he's doing.
Shall we get unpacked?
I'm dying to get into a hot shower.
- Want a beer?
- Yeah. Be in in a minute.
You know I don't say a word, but the things
that Vicky woman has been up to...
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hi.
- Look who's talking to me.
- Why shouldn't I talk to you?
Come on!
I can get married any time I want to!
You've been walking around the house
like a mummy for two days.
You, me, two days - nothing!
- Remember?
- Oh, you were...
I guess I have been acting sulky.
That's the understatement of the year.
Sulky? You've been plain impossible.
You've been monstrous!
Pouting is childish.
You're too old for that.
Not speaking to someone
because you're mad at them is...
- Feminine.
- Yes. The worst part of being feminine.
- The doorbell's ringing.
- Yes.
That's the minister and Miss Robinson
and you're to be polite to them.
Come here.
Mitchell, I want you to meet Dr Mosby.
Dr Mosby, Mitchell Evers, the groom.
How beautiful! Isn't this lovely?
So masculine.
Mitch, it needs a woman's touch.
There's that angelic creature again.
- How are you today, Susan?
- Fine, thank you.
This is Reverend Mosby.
He's doing the marriage.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
I've gotta change. Will you excuse me?
How would you like to be hostess?
Be polite.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.
- There are some people downstairs.
- I know.
Your grandfather sends his love.
Your grandmother does too.
- She's downstairs.
- Who, Vicky?
- I've seen her.
- Well, I haven't.
- Susie...
- Did you want something?
No, honey. Never mind.
Mother, this is my wedding. You've had four.
- Why didn't you mix some drinks?
- We waited for you.
- Edna?
- Anything you have.
- The usual, darling.
- Reverend, I don't suppose you indulge?
Perhaps a little something
by way of a nuptial toast.
- Good.
- Bourbon, double, on the rocks.
Yes, sir.
Vicky, think how an outdoor ceremony
will look in the newspapers.
I'm inclined to agree, Mrs Robinson.
The Marco-Dennisons had their wedding
under a striped tent.
Last month it was.
The atmosphere was ideally apropos -
there in God's natural setting
under the trees. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Mitch!
- Upsadaisy, darling.
I think your idea about
having the wedding outside is wonderful.
Vicky can come down the walk...
It's all right, I've got him.
Give me your hand.
Mitch, darling!
- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm all right!
I'll be back in just a minute.
- Mitch.
- Maggie.
- How are you?
- Fine, thanks. How are you?
I'm fine. Gee, you look...
- I've got people out there!
- Don't start yelling. Let me explain.
- If you just keep quiet, I'll tell you!
- What are you doing here?
If you stop screaming, she'll explain!
That's what I was trying to tell you.
Both of them?
The two of them together.
Maggie, how did it happen?
We met at camp
and the whole thing came out.
- They switched places on us.
- They what?
Sue came to Boston to be with me.
You mean this is Sharon?
I had Sharon all this time?
You're Sharon?
I wanted to know what you were like
and Susan wanted to meet Mother.
You are Sharon.
- You were only a tiny baby when I...
- You're not mad, are you?
No, sweetheart.
I just can't believe it's you.
- The trouble I had burping you.
- Daddy, really!
No. I mean it. I spent nights walking up
and down with you. Two o'clock feeds...
- And where was I?
- Well, it was half and half.
You used up more diapers than ten kids.
- Daddy, diapers!
- Yes, diapers.
- Look at you now. Look at her.
- I'm quite grown up.
- And quite without a father.
- Oh, honey...
- And I'm quite without a mother.
- Shh!
Girls, we'll discuss this later on.
I want to talk to your father now.
Come on, Sharon. They want to be alone.
Daddy, please don't marry that woman.
All right, Sharon. Run along now.
Will you look at that? I can't believe it.
The last time I saw them together, they were
that big and you were pushing them.
What a time for you to show up!
I'm going to get married!
I didn't know.
Sharon told me when I got here.
- That girl is my fiance.
- I know. I saw her.
All right. Let's have it.
- I think she's adorable!
- Sure you do.
- Except for what?
- I think she's a perfect dream.
Of course,
her eyes are a little close together.
Maggie, those tricks don't work any more.
Can you go and put on something decent?
I'm perfectly decent.
Running around in my bathrobe!
She'll come in
and it looks like we just...
- Like we what?
- Just go and put on some clothes!
Don't use that tone.
We're not married anymore!
This is my house
and you're not running around...
Don't start ordering me around!
Maggie, go on upstairs
and put on some clothes or...
Don't use force on me.
I lammed you once and I can do it...
- Stand back.
- Maggie, don't start that.
- Come on.
- Get your hands off me. I'm warning you.
- Did you have to do that?
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Why do you have to get so physical?
I can't talk to you.
You're always trying to belt me.
- That's vicious.
- It can't be that bad.
- It is that bad!
- Let me see it.
- Leave it alone. You've done enough.
- Let me see.
Don't... Ow!
Mitch, stop acting like a big baby.
I didn't get a look at it.
- I want a doctor.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Mr Evers? The ladies were wondering...
Oh, excuse me.
Wait a minute, sir.
There's nothing wrong here.
There's nothing wrong at all.
It's pretty easy to explain. You see...
- This is my wife.
- Hello.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
But what about?
Oh, no. Ex-wife.
She came out here - very unexpectedly -
to discuss some mix-up about the children,
and I merely suggested she put on
something decent because you...
Why am I telling you?
It's none of your business.
He didn't ask for an explanation.
You're babbling on as if there were...
something to hide.
Dr Mosby isn't at all shocked
at seeing me like this.
Of course he's shocked.
Running around in that get-up...
I'm not shocked. I see nothing
wrong with your wife's attire.
- Ex-wife.
- She's very beautiful.
You see, I knew I liked you.
You'll find I'm not
without a sense of humour.
I find this situation fraught with humour.
Quite out of the everyday, as we say.
Could you excuse us for just a moment?
Maggie, will you try to be
a little understanding, please?
I've got to explain why you're here.
That's not going to be easy.
I suppose they'll want to meet me.
That's only natural.
I want to keep this above board.
Very well. I'll just slip
into something more comfortable.
Very funny.
- Dr Mosby, don't run away.
- I'll be here.
- I'll be back in a minute.
- I'll look forward to it.
A delightful woman, Mr Evers.
How ever did you let her slip away?
She's simply delightful.
- Why couldn't she go to a hotel?
- I didn't invite her.
- I knew it would go wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong?
- She's unpacked.
- She's staying the night?
- I won't have it!
You're reading implications into...
- Would you like to enjoy the garden?
- No. I'm enjoying this immensely.
- You are?
- Interesting situation.
Quite out of the everyday.
Yes. It sure is.
Edna, I guarantee
by tomorrow morning, she'll be...
Mitch, I will not have her
spending the night.
Vicky, she's not that kind of a woman.
She's a woman, that's enough.
Edna, she's not what you think at all.
First, she's from Boston.
She's older, more mature. She's had
two children. She's the motherly type.
Vicky, I swear you've got nothing to...
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Margaret McKendrick.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, again.
And this must be Vicky.
I'd know you anywhere
from Mitch's description.
- I'm Mrs Robinson.
- Whoops!
- Sorry, Mitch.
- It could happen to anybody.
Oh, you are divine.
She's simply breathtaking.
- I was just thinking the same about you.
- At my age?
You are a sweet child.
- Mitch described you somewhat differently.
- He certainly did.
Excuse me.
You know
what husbands think about ex-wives -
an old comfortable worn-out shoe
cast in the closet.
Well, off with the old and on with the new,
eh? I must say, you are young.
- Isn't that lucky for Mitch?
- Yes.
I was thrilled to hear you were
going to take the plunge with old Mitch.
We must celebrate the occasion.
Mitch, open some champagne.
Tell me all about yourself.
We must get to be very good friends.
No! I don't want you to be friends.
That's not the idea.
- We have to be running anyway.
- Perhaps you'd better...
All good things have to end.
What a pity. Just as we were
getting to know each other.
So nice to have met you.
I know you won't be at the wedding,
but it'll be in the society columns.
- I never read them.
- What a shame.
I never go to funerals or weddings.
I prefer elopements. They're more romantic.
What a shame
you can't stay for dinner with us.
Yes. Vicky and I have a million things
to do - fittings and odds and ends to buy.
Just charge it all to Mitch. He's loaded.
- Oh? I didn't know.
- Didn't you?
Goodbye, it was so nice to have met you.
Goodbye, Vicky.
You're just as cute as you can be.
Delightful, charming woman. Amazing
how he let her slip away from him.
You want me to lose my job?
Your pa will fire me.
- Please, Hecky.
- We're leaving tomorrow. Please?
No. I won't be
part of a conspiracy like this.
He'll do it, or he'll cook
his own meals for the next month.
A gypsy?
What happened to dinner?
- Dinner's being served on the patio.
- Whose idea's that?
- It's none of my never mind. I never...
- I know. You never say a word.
I mind my own business.
I've been doing that for years.
Verbena! What's all this?
Go and sit down, Daddy. Don't ruin it.
- Ruin what?
- Go and sit down. Dinner's ready.
Well! What's all this?
Don't ask me. I just got here. It's just
my house. Nobody ever tells me anything.
And dinner on the patio.
Was this your idea, Mitch?
No, it was not. What are you looking at?
Mitch, that eye looks dreadful.
You must put something on it.
- Don't concern yourself.
- Did you step on a rake?
No. A very well-bred, ladylike,
Bostonian matron pinned it on me.
Anybody I know? Oh, Verbena!
- It's special for tonight.
- It smells delicious.
- What do you call that?
- Veal Parmigian.
Veal? I hate that kind of stuff.
She knows that.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I may go out and kill myself.
Hecky, it's time!
Excuse me, Mitch. All right!
- Mitch, please don't laugh.
- What's the matter?
- Don't you see?
- Ladies and gentlemen...
the management
have some entertainment for you.
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce, direct from Boston,
playing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony
on the piano, Miss Sharon McKendrick.
What's all this noise?
Will you get off the stage?
I'm in the middle of a concert.
A concert? You're going to put
the paying customers to sleep.
You gotta get the new sound.
Let's compromise. You give a little,
I'll give a little. Let's get together.
That's it!
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah
Why don't you and I combine?
Let's get together, what do you say?
We can have a swinging time
We'd be a crazy team
Why don't we make the scene?
Oh oh oh oh
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah
Think of all that we could share
Let's get together every day
Every way and everywhere
And though we haven't got a lot
We could be sharing all we've got
Oh! I really think you're swell
Uh-huh! You really ring the bell
Oo-ee! And if you stick with me
Nothing could be greater
Say hey, alligator!
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah
Two is twice as nice as one
Let's get together right away
We'll be having twice the fun
And you can always count on me
A gruesome twosome we will be
Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah!
That was wonderful, girls!
- Great!
- Marvellous!
- Come and have dinner.
- We got spaghetti and glop.
It's all right.
We've already had dinner in the kitchen.
Yes. You enjoy yourselves. We're going
to bed. Goodnight, Mom. 'Night, Dad.
Goodnight, Mom. Have fun.
- Goodnight, girls.
- Goodnight, kids.
How about those two little monkeys
putting that together?
- They've done more than that.
- What do you mean?
Don't you understand? The drippy candles,
the violin music, the Veal Parmigiana.
Martinelli's. Don't you remember?
- Oh...
- Our first date. They recreated it.
Crazy, sweet kids.
What are we going to do about them?
We certainly can't keep them apart.
No, we sure can't do that.
I guess the only logical thing we can do
is try to share them.
You could take them for six months,
then I'd have them.
That way they'd be together.
- I think that's best. Don't you?
- Yes, I guess it is.
"Six months split".
That's what Susan calls it.
That's all we can do.
You know, Mitch,
all of a sudden, I'm very depressed.
It would have been worse if we'd
stayed together - all that fighting.
- Your Irish temper.
- You were just as difficult.
Sure. I admit it.
It was a mistake in the beginning.
- Was it?
- It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
You haven't changed much.
The years have been good to you, Mitch.
Well? Aren't you going to return
the compliment?
Yeah. As a matter of fact,
Maggie, you look pretty good.
Don't stumble over the words.
You don't have to say them!
I mean it.
What did you do to yourself anyway?
Do to myself?!
16 plastic surgeons and a reconstruction job
on my face so I could be presentable!
Do you think I'm some troll who crawled out
of the woods to come calling on you?
I'm not as young as that simpering,
baby-faced, platinum doll who's hooked you.
- Don't get started on Vicky.
- Don't say anything about precious Vicky!
That plotz-faced child bride
and her electric hips!
- I'm sorry, Mitch.
- It always happens, doesn't it?
It won't happen any more.
I'm leaving in the morning with Sharon.
I really do mean this, Mitch. I wish you
the best of everything with Vicky.
Holy smokes!
What a lousy mess they made of that.
All our plans.
Mother and I will be leaving tomorrow.
Don't give up.
We've got all night to think of something.
Like what?
I don't know.
But something.
- Sharon! Taxi's waiting.
- I'm coming!
- Susan, aren't you coming to say goodbye?
- Be right there, Mother!
Sharon! Susan!
I'll send Susan back for Christmas.
I'll see that Sharon comes here for Easter.
I suppose that's the best way.
I suppose so.
What are you doing in those clothes?
Sharon, what is this?
We've thought it over
and we've come to a decision.
- We decided we were getting gypped.
- Yeah.
What do you mean?
We decided that we wanted
to spend our camp-out together.
- So whichever of us is Sharon...
- And we won't tell.
Whichever of us is Sharon
isn't going to Boston.
Don't get smart with me, girls.
Sharon, go upstairs and put your suit on.
- Are you sure she's Sharon?
- Of course she is.
Aren't you?
- Tough to tell, ain't it?
- Ain't it?
Isn't it! Stop this.
We're going to miss the plane.
That's the idea.
- Mitch, do something!
- Susan...
- Yes, Daddy?
- Yes, Daddy?
- That's not funny.
- That's not funny.
- That's not funny.
- This one is Susan - the smart alec.
- Are you sure?
- I know my own daughter, don't I?
You're not really sure, are you, Daddy?
- I'm not.
- I think they're ready to listen.
Here's the deal. We leave
for the camp-out immediately - all of us.
When you bring us back on Friday,
we'll tell you who's Sharon and who's Susan.
That's the deal. Take it or leave it.
What am I supposed to do for three days?
Stay home and knit?
It's not my fault. I can't tell them apart.
- Give them a spanking and make them tell!
- You don't spank 13-year-olds.
- Is she coming?
- That's part of the deal.
- I won't have it.
- Good morning, Vicky.
- I will not have you in the woods with her.
- You're right.
- Maggie, keep out of this.
- You can't leave her for three whole days.
- What would people say?
- Right. What do you suggest?
- I think you ought to come with us.
- Maybe I will.
It's the thing to do.
We'll have to get you another outfit.
I know where Mitch keeps his shirts
and we can find you some boots...
- Are they all coming with us?
- Yup.
- Hecky, here's some more stuff.
- Hi, Dad.
Why don't we get going?
Just fasten the belt a bit tighter.
- Where does she think she's going?
- She's coming along.
- Are you kidding?
- Nope.
- Here we are, Mitch. All ready.
- But she can't come along!
Girls, don't be rude.
Your father couldn't possibly
leave Vicky alone for three whole days.
- Let's get this show on the road.
- Vicky, you sit beside Mitch.
- If you don't mind.
- My pleasure.
- You and Vicky ought to be up there alone.
- What are you saying?
- Maggie, in or out?
- If you're not going, I...
Don't worry your pretty little head
about me. I'll just lie around the lake.
You can get to know the girls.
You're going to have them for six months
a year. Bye. Watch out for snakes.
- Thanks a lot!
- Bye, girls. Have a good time.
- You all right?
- I'm just dandy. Some fun.
- What's the matter?
- Vicky's not used to this. Let's rest.
The lake's only another hour.
Look. I'll put it on, yes?
- Gee, isn't it hot?
- What of it?
I thought you'd like some of my water.
Thanks a lot.
Oh! There's a thing on it!
- What is it?
- It's only a little old tree lizard.
It wouldn't hurt anybody. Look.
- Get that thing away from me!
- Cut that out!
Get that away from me.
I hate them. They're just miserable.
- You two stay here and help Vicky, OK?
- Sure. We'll help her.
Sure you'll help me - right over a cliff.
What did we do?
Never mind those angelic faces.
I know vixens when I see 'em.
Just remember this.
You start anything
and I'll make your lives miserable later on.
You get me, pets?
See that? Cougar tracks.
- It's a form of mountain lion.
- No kidding? Lions?
Sure. There are hundreds up here.
They really mess you up.
They'll grab at your eyes, eat you.
There's a trick
an old Indian guide showed me.
You hit two sticks together
and the noise frightens them.
- Like that?
- Yeah. That'll keep them away.
Come on.
- Enjoying yourself?
- Perfectly wonderful.
My feet are killing me.
Soak them in the lake.
That'll cool them off.
You think? I'll try anything.
- Come in. It's not deep.
- Are you sure?
Look, I'm standing.
Hecky, you did yourself proud.
Thanks. You sure you won't
change your mind, Miss?
I detest trout! How many times do
I have to tell you? I'll eat in the morning.
- What are we having for breakfast?
- Trout.
We always eat off the trail up here.
That's part of the fun of it.
Part of the fun? What else do you do?
Throw rocks in the lake?
You insisted on coming. Make the best of it.
I was tricked into coming. She tricked me.
She sure did.
Hecky can always take you down.
Sure. I'd be happy
to walk you down to the truck.
I'll stick it out, thanks.
They think I'm running a blood bank!
I think they like this stuff.
- What have you got?
- Mosquito repellent.
It doesn't smell like anything.
- That's nothing but sugar and water.
- What?
That'll bring every mosquito around.
Where did you get it?
An old Indian scout gave it to me.
Said it would keep mosquitoes away.
Hecky, I think I'll have some more trout.
I'm turning in.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Vicky.
- Goodnight, Vicky.
Honey, what are you doing?
- I'm keeping the mountain lions away.
- Mountain lions?
Yeah. The noise...
- The noise doesn't frighten mountain lions.
- No.
- Why did you do that?
- I swear that...
Never mind.
It's a terrible thing to do. Isn't it?
Just terrible.
I don't want any more of that. Understand?
- Yes, Daddy.
- Both of you.
- Yes, Daddy.
- All right.
Get them out of here! Get them out!
Get them away from me!
Get those wild animals out!
Get them away from me!
I hate this filthy, stinking, dirty place!
What are you yelling about, Miss?
Those bear cubs wouldn't hurt a fly.
You shut up and get me my boots!
Yes, Ma'am.
I hate this place!
This is not my idea of fun!
I hate the sticks! I hate the lake!
I hate the filthy bugs!
- I can't stand this place!
- What the heck are you doing?
- What's happening?
- You overgrown jerk! It's not worth it!
Do you want your clothes, Vicky?
Thanks a heap. You're twins.
Do you share everything?
- Everything. Everything.
- Give your sister her half of this!
Wait a minute.
They didn't do anything to you.
You'll never know what they did to me,
you big goon!
Get me out of this stinking fresh air!
- Mother, where are you?
- Hi!
- You're back early. Which one are you?
- Sharon.
- Did you have a good time?
- Sensational.
- We did, but I don't think Vicky did.
- What happened?
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Wonderful.
- Hello.
- Good evening.
- Have you had your dinner?
- We're not hungry.
Then go and have your baths.
You look filthy.
Then we'll tell you about Vicky,
but not while he's there.
So you had a wonderful time.
What happened?
Don't give me that. You knew darn well
what was going to happen.
What happened?
You name it and it happened.
It was a shambles. Happy?
It's the last time
I take a woman to the mountains.
Where's? What's her name?
- Vicky?
- Yeah.
She took off like a pelican.
She's probably at Park Avenue and
57th Street by now, and good luck to her.
- Well?
- We've been talking...
...and we feel that we owe you an apology.
We feel guilty about what we did to Vicky.
- What did you do to her?
- Well...
We submarined her.
It's none of our business
who you want to marry, and we ruined it.
It's done with now
so we won't talk about it anymore.
We're sorry, Dad. Will you forgive us?
Go on to bed, you monsters.
What can you do?
- Want something to eat?
- You sure you've got enough?
Sure. I cooked enough for you and Susan
for dinner tomorrow.
Sharon and I are leaving in the morning.
- Yeah.
- Wash your hands.
Yeah. I'd better.
Where's Verbena?
I wasn't expecting you back. It didn't
make sense for her to stay just for me,
so I gave her the night off.
I'll just go upstairs and wash up.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
I don't know what he saw in her.
She had no personality at all.
- Are you going to a party?
- None of your business.
Goodnight, ladies. Sleep tight.
I thought you were just going
to wash your hands.
I thought I'd do a good job of it.
- Shh!
- Why?
Do you hear music?
I told those children to take a bath!
That's the hi-fi. I thought a little music
would be nice with dinner.
Also, I thought red wine
might be good with the stew.
To the mother of my children -
the most beautiful mother two kids ever had.
- You can be the most exasperating man.
- What's the matter?
Waiting until we're in the kitchen
and me in bare feet.
- I like you in bare feet.
- It puts a woman at a disadvantage.
Good. Here's to your disadvantage.
Sit down and eat your stew.
Don't spill it now.
- Darn!
- What's the matter?
I put a dishcloth on and it's knotted.
Open it for me.
Maggie, as long as everybody's apologising,
I think I'd better do mine too.
About the other night.
I didn't mean for it to sound like that.
I'm not very good with compliments,
what with growing up with the cows...
Don't give me that routine.
You handed me that years ago.
- I did not.
- You certainly did.
It worked, didn't it? You liked it.
Maggie, you're so beautiful.
No. I mean it.
I know I don't say things like you want to
hear them, but I've been thinking about you.
And us, and the way things used to be.
- Do you know what I miss most of all?
- Mitch...
You've got stew all over you.
- I don't care.
- Go and wash it off.
What do you miss?
I don't care if it does sound silly.
I miss those wet stockings you used
to have hanging around the bathroom.
And I miss my razor being dull
because you used it for your legs.
I miss the hairpins mixed up
with the fish hooks in my tackle box.
It's no fun having a clothes closet
all to myself.
It's no fun swearing because you're not
around to pretend to be shocked by it.
Nothing's any good without you, Maggie.
I miss a lot of things.
I just miss you.
Why did you take so long to tell me?
I don't know.
Well, because... I guess I was hoping
that you'd come back sometime.
Maggie, I've been a prize chump.
We've both been.
We're going to grow into a couple of old
lonely people if we don't do something.
- I know.
- You don't want that, do you?
No, Mitch.
Oh, Mitch. It's been so long. So very long.
Don't cry. You can slug me in the eye
any time you want.
- What's the matter?
- I just had the craziest dream.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What is it?
You and I were marching along real slow,
funny-like, in organdie dresses.
And there was music
and flowers and people.
For my love was meant for
Was heaven-sent for now
For always
For you!