The Parenting (2025) Movie Script
1
[sobbing]
Allie!
Allie, you're missing
the end of MASH!
BJ spelled "Goodbye"
in rocks.
And Hawkeye sees it.
You're not for real
crying at this?
Yes! Did you see the rocks?
I saw the rocks.
Just tell your sister
it's time for dinner.
You tell her.
I don't wanna tell her.
Excuse me.
You kids are gettin' a little
too big for your shorts lately.
Hate you kids.
- [knocking]
- Allie?
Come on.
You don't have to talk to me.
You can just eat
and look angry.
Allie!
Gimme a break.
Seriously?
What are you doing
in there anyway?
[ominous music playing]
- [gasps]
- [alarm ringing]
Check and see if we've got
another one
in the garage freezer.
Let's just go out.
- Jamie.
- Why not?
Just, please, help me out.
Don't be a dick.
Be my sweet boy.
- Fine.
- Thank you, Jamie.
You're making
a very noble sacrifice.
I want you to know...
- [creature growls]
- [grunts]
- [screaming]
- [creature rustles and growls]
[announcer on TV]
Feeling thirsty this summer?
Get ready for
a new great splash.
Don't burn it this time, okay?
Wow, it tastes like
real grapes!
Fortified with nine vitamins
and minerals.
Mom?
Allie?
Allie!
No!
No!
[shudders] Oh, no.
[girl] What do you see?
Allie! Tell me what you see!
Oh, my God!
Open the door!
Just open the door!
- [panting]
- [creature growling]
[screaming]
["Levitating" playing]
If you wanna
Run away with me
I know a galaxy
And I can take you for a ride
I had a premonition
That we fell into a rhythm
Where the music
Don't stop for life
Glitter in the sky...
Okay, I don't wanna
make a decision
that I'm gonna regret later,
so just walk me through it one
more time.
Okay. Would you rather
have a cat
- that can talk...
- Okay.
But all it can say is,
"Fuck it."
So it just walks around
all day saying, "Fuck it"?
All day. "Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it."
- Or?
- Or a cat with a human butt.
Okay, is it a sexy butt
like mine?
No, it's very saggy.
Ew! Well, can it wear pants?
Just decide, 'cause it's not
really happening so...
Okay, so this "Fuck it" cat,
is it chill like, "Fuck it, I'm
down for whatever,"
or is it more like, "Fuck it, I
don't wanna live anymore"?
What is wrong with you?
Did you take a gummy?
I don't even have any gummies.
I'm just havin' fun.
I'm excited that
we're doing this.
Also, look at this
freakin' house.
Your parents have an ensuite
bathroom. And mine.
No one has to tinkle
anywhere near each other.
And it's like, what,
350 bucks a night for
a fucking mansion?
And look at the sunroom.
Look at the sunroom.
I love how horny you are for
this house.
I'm not horny.
It's just so sunny.
You rented an impressive house
for our parents
and now you're all horny
- in your pants area.
- Josh.
Josh, stop. Kate's watching.
Kate, I'm just
petting him. See?
All right, all right.
Hands on the steering wheel.
Oh, shit, it's my father.
Okay, they're in the Lyft
and will be at the house
in 30 minutes.
All right, Josh, just remember,
when you meet my father,
sometimes he can be
a little awkward around...
Hey, Ro, just, come on.
Are you sure there's nothing
I need to know
about your parents?
No. Mine are normal.
That must be nice.
[Josh] Ro, this house is dope.
I know. This is what I've been
talking about.
Okay.
This is sick.
Do you love it?
I love it. I love you.
Mmm.
Don't be nervous, okay?
'Cause then I'll get nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Parents love me.
I'm the fun one.
- I'm fun too.
- Uh-huh.
Come on, Katie, go!
- Go pee-pees.
- All right, Katie.
Okay, here we go.
[Josh] Oh, my God, Ro.
How much shit did you bring?
The mixie thing?
What are you planning on doing
with the mixie thing...
Ro?
Who's that?
Oh, I'm not sure.
Hi, I'm Brenda.
Hi. Hi, we're Josh and Rohan,
the renters.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
- Thank you.
- It used to be a working farm.
- [both] Oh.
- Cows and goats, pigs...
- Oh.
- A duck.
And sometime in the '80s,
there was a fire.
It started in the basement
and then half the house
just went...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
The family that was here
didn't live.
Well, they couldn't
live here anymore.
So, it's just kind of stayed
abandoned forever
till new owners came along
to fix it all up.
- It's gorgeous.
- Thank you.
It's too bad you're not here
in the summer.
There's a creek in the back
and on warm days,
you can just kind of
sit down in the water.
That's what I do.
So, you live here?
I just help
the owners manage it.
You're actually our first
renters. Oh, no.
Oh. Kate. Come on. Stop it.
I don't remember
a mention of a dog.
I think I mentioned it
in one of my messages.
We can put down a deposit?
It's fine. And are you gay?
What?
I'm thinking you're gay.
Yes. Is that okay?
That'll work. Come on in.
Oh, my God, the braid.
Is that a wig?
Is that two wigs?
This is for you.
Wine and a meat stick, yum.
And of course, corn.
You know what the best thing
about corn is?
Corn has dolls.
Aw, that's cute.
It's not a "that."
It's a little girl.
And some emergency numbers,
just in case. Like a snowplow.
It's late in the year for snow,
but you never know.
Oh! The Worm Moon is this
weekend, so that's cool.
Oh. Yeah.
The Wi-Fi password.
You'll want this.
What is it? "Ego sum tibi..."
- [thumping]
- [gasps softly]
You know, everything
is so complicated these days.
- I'll take that, yeah.
- And...
that's it.
Yeah, the router's downstairs
if there's any trouble.
Have a great time.
And good luck with the parents.
I hope they were
better than mine.
Mine were...
Okay, bye.
Okay. [chuckles]
I said we're gay
and she said, "That'll work."
Okay, she also said she likes
to squat in the creek.
I mean... Come on.
- What? No, Josh.
- Come on.
They'll be here any minute.
No, you said "later."
- We'll be quick.
- [cell phone vibrates]
Oh! That's my phone.
Oh, God, here we go.
Hey, what's up?
[Sara] This is a mistake.
A bad idea.
I just have a feeling.
Also, where's your
goddamn corkscrew?
- Are you in our apartment?
- Come on.
What? Is she?
Yeah. You asked me
to watch Kate.
Yeah, and then I told you
we're bringing her with us.
Did you not notice there's
no dog in the apartment?
I just got here.
I don't know what I notice.
Just don't propose to Josh
this weekend.
Shake, shake. Shake, shake.
I can't help you with that.
Come here.
Are you fucking there?
What is your problem?
You loved the idea
two nights ago.
And now I'm sober.
You're gonna have a whole
parent meet-and-greet up there
- and you're also gonna...
- Ask him to marry me, yeah.
Ro, it's too much.
What's your rush?
I know you think Josh is all
easy, breezy, cover girl. But
come on.
And I'm sorry,
when you get around your
parents, you become...
What? I become what?
It's just too much!
That's the point.
I planned everything to
be unforgettable.
Josh is the best thing
that's ever happened to me
and I just want my parents to
see that.
And when the time is right,
I'm gonna get down on a knee
and take out the ring...
- What are we talkin' about?
- Nothing.
Is she okay? Are you okay?
Yeah. No, everything's great.
Okay.
[branch rustling]
Oh, hi!
Hi. You're still here.
I know. I am.
I'm just measuring
because the sprinkler guy
is coming next week.
So I need to measure,
so he can, you know,
put the little hoses
in the ground.
Measuring, measuring,
measuring, measuring...
done.
Six hundred units.
Okay. Officially
out of your hair.
Okay.
Good luck.
You'll need it.
- [car thuds]
- Oops! Sorry.
A sprinkler system
in the woods?
- Seems weird.
- Yeah.
Fuck!
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
[Rohan] Oh, my God, what?
What? Is everything okay?
Yeah. No, nothing. I'm just...
I'm just really excited about
everything that's happening.
Look, before everyone shows up,
I wanted to ask you something.
Well, what is it?
I've been wondering
if...
maybe we don't tell my parents
that you got fired?
- Oh.
- It's not a big deal
and I know you kinda got fired
on purpose
so you could
focus on your music,
which I love
and I'm totally here for.
It's just, you know,
for first impressions.
Say I still work at REI?
Maybe.
Or not? I don't know.
I'm being weird.
Don't listen to me, okay?
Shit, they're here! Okay.
They are gonna love you
so much.
- Yeah.
- I love you so much.
Do you need the hat?
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay.
All right. Here we go.
Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- I'm excellent.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
Isn't this amazing?
I'm sorry, I'm talking to your
sister. Hold on.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I mean,
we just got here.
I mean, the house looks nice.
We haven't been inside yet so,
you know, who knows, I mean...
Hang on a second.
Frank, it's Lyft.
- You don't pay.
- I know that, Sharon.
I do live in the modern world.
- Daddy!
- Rohan.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
Hello.
[Sharon] I mean, you knew that
was what you signed up for.
So, well...
[Sharon] I understand.
You, uh...
Trip okay?
You look healthy.
Thank you. You look good.
[Sharon] Well, I have to go.
All right.
Your father needs me. Bye.
Sorry, I'm here.
Baby is chewing your sister's
nipples off.
- [Frank] Nipples.
- I told her, yes,
that's why I skipped that.
It's one of the many perks
of adopting.
[Rohan] Well,
I'm so glad you both are here.
Tomorrow, the weather
is supposed to warm up,
so we're gonna take
a little stroll in a...
You know what?
I'm gonna save it
as a surprise.
This is gonna be good.
Well, it better be.
The trip was a nightmare.
Horrible.
[Sharon]
But the house looks nice.
I mean, how are
you paying for this?
Who's this?
Hey! I'm Josh.
I'm so sorry. I forgot to...
- Oh, my God...
- It's okay. It's okay.
This is Josh.
It's so good to
finally meet you guys.
Okay. Whoa!
- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Kate, no...
- Okay.
- Come on, come here.
Come on. Sorry, we're beginning
to think she's a lesbian.
What?
Well, she just loves
the smell of...
The smell of what?
Joshua, have you met my father?
Daddy! Uh... Sir.
No.
- Hi.
- Wow.
You work out?
- Huh? [grunts]
- [chuckles]
Yeah.
Yes, I wish I had more time to
spend at the gym.
Do you work?
Yes, Dad. Joshua works.
Right, Josh?
Yes, I work at REI,
the largest seller of camping
and outdoor gear in America.
It's what I do now.
Oh! You must love the outdoors.
I'm also a songwriter.
That too.
Oh, great, great.
Okay, "Daddy."
So what do you think?
Of what?
Of Josh?
Well, we just met, didn't we?
Oh, my God. What were you gonna
say to my mother?
That Kate loves
the smell of pussy?
No! No, I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know what to say.
You left me standing there
with your father
and he was just like...
[gravelly voice] "Rocking bod,
Josh. Wow!"
Okay, that is not what he said.
He's just bad
at talking to people.
If you weren't wearing
that dumb tight shirt...
I'm sorry I don't have an adult
floor-length driving coat.
Did Mommy buy that for you?
Are you making fun
of my parents?
No, you!
Who was that?
I've never met that guy before.
Look, I'm stressed. My parents,
they want everything to be a
certain way.
- Like for me to be a woman?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Shut up.
Yes, it's just...
I've never brought
a boy home before.
Ever?
There's never been anyone
important enough until now.
So, yes... I'm stressed.
I know what might help.
You brought drugs?
They're gummies, Ro.
They're the mango ones
that you like.
Come on, let's...
split one.
Let's calm your ass down.
No.
And you can't have any either.
I forbid it.
You forbid it?
I forbid it.
Yes, sir.
No fun, sir.
Hot cider and
Scrabble only, sir.
Be quiet, okay?
We're gonna have fun now.
Just no more pussy jokes
in front of my mother.
Fine.
But if your mother can't
appreciate a good pussy joke...
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Tell me what to do 'cause I...
I saw it.
There's no turning back.
[woman] Hello!
Oh! Thank God. Mom.
Hey, hey! You made it.
It's cold as shit here.
You guys said
it was gonna be warm.
[Liddy] Josh, this house.
Big enough much?
- Rohan, hi.
- Hi.
Heard you were a foodie,
so I made you
my special crazy noodles.
- Aye!
- Crazy noodles! Thank you.
Cliff, what are you doing?
- Say hi.
- I'm tying my goddamn shoe.
He's tying his goddamn shoe.
He's crazy.
He's driving me crazy.
Hi!
We are Sharon and Frank.
- Liddy.
- Hi, Libby.
No, it's "Liddy."
Like lid of a jar.
Short for "Lydia"?
It's actually
short for "Elizabeth."
Well, wouldn't that be "Libby"?
Well, it could be.
But, I'm Liddy.
So... Like the canned
vegetables.
That's "Libby's."
Call her whatever you want.
I'm Cliff, like,
the rock that you fall off,
break your neck and die.
[others laughing politely]
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Good to see you, son.
- [Josh] How was the drive?
Well, we were making good time,
and then we hit construction.
And we were stuck for,
I don't know.
It was probably... 30 minutes?
It'd been maybe
even more than that.
I mean, it was movin', but it
was slow.
I mean, we were crawling.
You know, five miles an hour,
maybe ten.
And we would speed up and then
slow down.
Speed up. Slow down.
- Might have been
50 minutes, actually.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Great, okay, that's the end.
Epic tale, Dad.
Come on, let's find your room.
- Okay.
- Wait, no,
I gotta... I have to let the
dogs out.
- Dogs?
- More dogs.
What dogs?
[dogs barking]
Okay.
- What are their names?
- Honey, I don't know.
She told me, but...
Frick, Frack, and
Fuck-If-I-Know.
Sorry.
The F-bomb. That's not me.
Okay, let's go.
In the house. Come on.
Goddamn annoying
little fuckers.
I'm so sorry.
About what?
About what happened upstairs.
I don't know what you mean.
Okay, we're doing that now.
Cool.
[mysterious music playing]
Come on.
It's not supposed to snow.
[Liddy] This is just beautiful.
I know, right?
I don't know if I wanna do
breakfast in the sunroom
or in the dining room.
I can make tater tot casserole.
I just need tater tots.
That's okay, Liddy.
I have a whole thing planned.
Okay.
Rohan, would you get me a glass
of water
- so I can take these Advils?
- Yeah, of course.
I'd actually love a glass.
Didn't hear me.
Yeah.
So... Libby, what do you and
Clint do?
"Liddy." Yeah...
Cliff teaches math.
And we met
because I was a receptionist
at the high school.
- How about you?
- Well, um,
Frank is an architect and I am
a retired psychologist.
Oh, wow, okay.
Yeah, that's neat.
And I did a little modelling
in the '80s, here and there.
Cliff actually did some
modelling in the '80s, too.
Huh. For who?
I'm just completely kidding.
- Can I have some ice?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.
You've got him trained well.
He is adorable.
He was so supportive of Josh
when he got fired from that...
[Josh] No!
Did you say "fired"?
'Cause it's...
It's not... It's not right.
Honey, you got fired in May,
remember?
And you said you were glad
'cause you could work
on your music.
Ooh! We're not talking
about that in front of...
Yeah. I'm dumb. Dumb mommy.
Just... I'm sorry.
So you don't work at a camping
store, but you do music?
- Yeah, I write songs.
- He writes songs.
[Liddy] Sad songs.
Sweet but sad.
Keep telling him,
"Stop making them so sad."
Anything I would have heard?
- No.
- [Josh] Mom.
You answer.
No.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
You wanna sing one of 'em?
That's what you do.
[singing] Puppy dog eyes
You are killing me
With those
Puppy...
Dog...
Eyes
So, what time is dinner?
[sighing]
Sorry, wrong room.
Oh. No problem.
You're in the room
down the hall.
This is me and Ro.
Well, yes. Yes, of course.
Well, unless you want
this room?
- No, no, no, no.
- No, 'cause we can
totally switch
'cause we haven't even touched
the bed.
We... To sleep. We...
In terms of sleeping,
we haven't touched the bed.
We haven't touched it at all.
You know, Ro likes it firm,
and me,
I'll take it however I can...
I can get it.
That's good to hear.
Oh, my God.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yeah.
Yep. Yep.
Yeah.
All right.
[Liddy] Really snowing.
Perfect night for
a yummy dinner at home.
What can I do?
Heat up the crazy noodles?
No. We can save that
for tomorrow.
Actually, once Josh's done
with the potatoes,
we'll be ready. Right, Josh?
- Josh?
- What?
Yeah.
Yeah, the potatoes are ready.
They're in the pot.
Here, Mom, go...
go have everyone sit in chairs.
Make sure that everyone
has their own chair.
That's very important.
Yeah, that's normally
what happens.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah. No. I don't know.
Think I cooked the hens
for too long like an idiot.
No, they're beautiful
and perfect.
Let's go have the best night of
our lives.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Honey.
Yeah.
This chicken is so tender,
isn't it, Cliff?
- Very tender.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and I like how the...
Such a small chicken.
- Oh.
- I've got it.
Slippery?
Yeah. It's very slippery, yeah.
[Frank] The potatoes are good.
Josh made them.
- Right, Josh?
- Yep. What?
You made the potatoes.
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Uh...
You know what they say
about potatoes.
- "Everybody loves potatoes."
- [chuckling politely]
You know what this party needs?
We, we need some more wine...
for everyone.
- Thank you.
- And...
some music. Yeah?
Alexa, play Motown.
- [device beeps]
- What?
The Internet's not working.
Where's the password?
I guess it was something
like..."Ego sum...
- "tibi..."
- [thumping]
Hmm?
Furnace.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well,
if Alexa's not happening,
then...
[singing] Set me free
why don't you, baby
Get out my life
Why don't you, baby
'Cause you...
What's... I don't, I don't know
the rest of the words.
'Cause you don't really
love me
You just
Keep me hanging on
Now what?
Why don't you get
Out of my life
And let me start again
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah
Set me free
why don't you, baby
Get out my life
why don't you, baby
Yes, everybody
You don't really love me
I found the Wi-Fi password.
It's "Ego sum tibi..."
[gasps]
Fuck!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Josh!
- What? What on earth?
- What happened?
Are you okay?
Yeah, there was something
under the table
- just grabbed me.
- It was just Kate.
No, no, no, no,
it was a little...
A little dirty-person hand.
A little dirty-person hand?
Yeah, well, he just grabbed me
under the table!
- A little dirty person did?
- What?
[Cliff] Someone's enjoying
their wine.
That... That's...
That's nothing. Nothing.
Come on, come on.
What is that? A vitamin chew?
Is that what scared you, Josh?
No. No, no, no.
It's... I don't know.
That was...
[chuckles awkwardly] Weird.
A little dirty-person's hand?
What on God's green?
I don't know.
He almost knocked
the china hutch over.
That is not normal.
So you don't like him?
What's with this Wi-Fi?
It's not working.
It is not whether or not
I like him.
It's just... I mean,
what is Rohan doing?
Josh lied about his job,
by the way.
I didn't tell you that.
He looked us right in the face,
and he said,
"Yes, I work at..."
whatever it was, "REY."
He does music.
Frank, anybody can do music.
La, la, la, la
I just did music.
Okay.
Yes, Josh is attractive,
but is that it?
I think you should talk to him.
To Josh?
I wouldn't know what to say.
To Rohan.
Well, no, no.
I wouldn't know
what to say to him either.
That's great. Good talk.
- Good night.
- Mmm-hmm.
Look, I'm sorry.
I messed up, but...
Don't be mad at me. Please.
- [groans]
- [sings] Don't be mad at me
[chuckles] Okay. Okay. Okay.
Just, no more surprises.
Seriously. I want them
to like you.
I want them to like me too.
Do they not?
No, they do.
Just... I wish
you would maybe...
- [thudding in distance]
- What was that?
I don't know. My dad said
it was the furnace, but...
Oh, my God, is that...
Please, God, no.
What?
You said you wanted
your parents
to have a good time.
- That is not my parents.
- Yeah.
That is definitely
Cliff and Liddy.
No, my father cannot
move like that.
It is your mother
and your father.
No, it's not. Don't say that.
Your parents are fucking.
- [thudding continues]
- I have to say something.
Just ignore it.
How? It is relentless.
Well, what are you gonna do?
What... Just walk in there
and say,
"Please excuse me, but we can
hear you having, um...
- personal time."
- Personal time?
Well, you know what I mean.
Sexual interplay.
Oh, my God, Frank.
- [thudding continues]
- [sighs]
Libby's gonna be sore tomorrow.
[thudding continues]
Those pipes sure are loud.
If those are pipes,
the house is about to explode.
Well, then what is it?
Well, what do you think it is?
Well, I'd like it to be pipes.
[thudding continues]
[thudding stops]
Thank God.
He came.
Shut up.
Your mother's like...
"Frank, can you
get me a towel?"
Shut up, for real, okay?
I'm still mad at you.
No, you're not.
- [thudding resumes]
- Oh, my God.
Round two?
Go, Frank! Go, Frank!
Joshua!
[woman] Hello?
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Thank you. I'm about to die.
What are you doing here?
You asked me to come,
you bitch.
You asked her to come?
I texted,
but I wasn't saying...
You texted a thousand times and
I'm here.
So, you're welcome.
I'm soaked.
Sara, it's like,
after midnight.
No shit.
Can I please just go
to my room?
I'll put on the big "charming
for the parents" show tomorrow.
Where are the rooms? Upstairs?
Kate, come sleep with me.
Come on.
Oh, God, the wallpaper
is everything.
Why?
Why would you do this to me?
I didn't think I was, but...
Hey, look, maybe this is
a good thing.
To have someone fun
as a buffer.
Oh. God, Josh,
my mom can't stand her.
And she's just gonna make
everything about herself.
No, she won't.
[Sara] What room am I in?
Jesus.
I got her.
- I got her.
- Yeah, you do.
I'm on a couch?
We ran out of bedrooms.
Then don't invite people.
- I didn't exactly invite...
- It's fine. It's fine.
Just go away.
It's fine.
I already had half a bottle
of Cabo on the train
and took my night-night pills.
It's fine.
What about those texts?
What text?
The proposal?
Oh. That was supposed to be
for my business manager.
Mmm-hmm.
There's a proposal
for a new office space.
Just act surprised.
Jesus.
Are you excited?
Yes. Yes.
Dinner was not good.
This totally fucked up
thing happened...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Just stories tomorrow, okay?
Oh.
- What's the Wi-Fi?
- It doesn't really work.
Just tell me
and I'll figure it out.
It's like...
"Ego sum tibi" something.
Why is it Latin?
- What?
- It's Latin.
It means,
"I give you myself..."
or "Take me," or something.
How do you know Latin?
'Cause I'm smart.
[ominous voice] Come to me.
"Ego sum..."
"tibi Andras."
Take me...
Andras.
I hope you like caviar, Cliff.
Doubtful.
[Liddy] Jeez, the snow's
almost up to the bird feeder.
Wow, my weather app
was way off.
I know. I hope a plow shows up,
or we're never
getting outta here.
Why? Where do we have to be?
Good morning. Look at you,
all spiffed up.
Is that cashmere?
La-lee-la
Let me get those, Mom.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Nice sweater.
Thank you. I got it from this
hot guy I know.
[Sharon]
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
You're all dressed up too.
I didn't get the memo.
- Am I?
No, I just rolled out of bed.
- [chuckles]
Well, look at all those taxis.
Yeah.
Gosh, there must be
thousands of them.
I don't know. That's a lot.
- Count 'em later.
- Yeah.
Did you sleep well?
It was kinda noisy last night.
- It was noisy.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Did you sleep okay?
Yes, fine. You?
I slept okay, yeah.
Yeah, I was a little worried.
Why?
Well, that's what
a vacation is for, isn't it?
To worry?
Where's Dad? He's usually the
first one out of bed.
Probably all worn out
from the, you know...
- [grunting]
- Cliff.
"Pipe noise."
I actually thought
he'd be down here.
He was gone when I woke up,
so I...
Maybe you should
check the bathroom.
Those little chickens
were tasty,
but they made me go off
like a rocket ship.
Okay, who wants a mimosa?
Yes! Now!
Oh, it wasn't a dream.
You're actually here.
Hi!
I'm Sara.
I'm Liddy.
I know all about
the famous Liddy.
Come here!
And I love these taxis,
you bad bitch.
Vroom! I stan.
I don't know.
And this handsome devil
must be Cliff.
Maybe.
[laughs] Hi.
Oh, my God...
Sharon.
I didn't even recognize you.
Are you aging in reverse?
When exactly did you get here?
[Sara] Late.
I couldn't miss the weekend
with my favorite boys
and the parents who made them.
Where's my guy, Frank?
Actually, we don't know.
[Frank] I'm in here.
Frank?
[Frank] Hi.
How long have you been here?
Forever.
[Rohan] All right.
Dig in, everybody.
Okay, who wants eggs?
Liddy, eggs?
- No.
- Yes.
Frank, eggs?
- No?
- Are you feeling okay?
I'm good.
Is there a knife?
- Knife for the bagels?
- Yeah.
There's a bread knife
somewhere.
You are very pale.
[Liddy] Honey,
will this knife work?
[Josh] No. It's... Something
sharper. Like a bread knife.
Oh, Frank has it.
Oh, here you go, Josh.
Oh, shit!
- Frank!
- Oh, my God, Josh!
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Well...
Honey, that's really bleeding.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
- Frank, how did you do that?
I don't know.
I just meant to pass it to him
like this.
- [all screaming]
- My God!
Dad, what are you doing?
Grab the knife, grab the knife!
- Yeah.
- He needs to go to a hospital!
- Oh, my God. Is it that bad?
- [dogs barking]
Yeah. Yeah, Ro, I think I could
use a stitch or two.
God, Dad, how did that happen?
I don't know.
Will someone please make those
dogs quiet?
[yelling loudly] Shut up!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God...
- Mom, Mom.
- Lift...
- Lift, lift!
- Josh, are you okay?
Ro, come on,
what are you doing over there?
Help me!
Oh, God.
Is it okay?
[Liddy] What am I
gonna tell Karen?
I don't even know
which one this is.
How did that thing even fall?
Hi. Hi. We have an injury in...
Hello?
How can there be
no service anywhere?
In tall furniture like that,
you gotta anchor it
to the wall.
Okay.
'Cause you put heavy stuff
on one of the top shelves,
and, you know, the next thing
you know...
Got it. Yeah, no, I know.
It's gonna fall over and crush
a small, annoying animal.
Okay. Thank you, Cliff.
Does it hurt?
Yes, of course. My arm is
slashed open.
He didn't mean it, Josh, okay?
Did he eat? Could it be low
blood sugar or something?
He is very out of it,
and he's dehydrated.
I put him in a hot shower to
wake him up.
Whoever gave him all that
champagne did not help.
Sorry, that was me.
Josh, I told you
not to do that.
He barely drinks.
You know we had
a big day planned.
I'm sorry I ruined your big day
by making
your father attack me.
It was an accident.
It was two deep accidents, Ro.
What are you crying about now,
ya fucking queers?
- Whoa!
- Frank, where is your towel?
[Cliff] Holy shit.
- He's hard as a rock.
- Don't look at it, Cliff.
Frank, what are you thinking?
- You gotta cover yourself up.
- No.
Look at it.
[Sharon] He's sleepwalking.
Frank, wake up!
Look at it!
- Yeah, we see it, pal.
- [Frank] Look at it.
[Sharon] For God's sake!
Yes, we see everything.
[Frank] Look at it!
For God's sake.
- [chokes]
- Dad, what's happening?
Oh, my God.
- He's having a stroke.
- A heart attack.
Dad, is it your heart?
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Does anybody have a goddamn
phone that will dial out?
Can you text?
- How do you text a hospital?
- I don't know.
Don't yell at me.
Who even are you?
- [thuds]
- [all gasp]
The dog's out of the box.
This sucks.
Okay, Frank, Frank, hey.
We're gonna move you to the
couch, okay?
Don't touch me,
you chocolate munching poof!
- Hey, hey, hey, easy there.
- Chocolate what?
Dad, why are you saying stuff
like that?
This isn't you.
He's, he's sleepwalking.
Frank, cut it out!
We gotta get him to
the hospital.
I would also like to go
to the hospital.
- [retches]
- [all gasp]
[Sharon] Frank!
Frank.
Hello. What's happening?
- Who threw up?
- Well, you did.
You just got a little sick.
You just...
Oh, my God,
you are burning up.
Dad, what happened?
- I need to lie down.
- [Sharon] Yeah.
I don't know why I'm here.
None of us do.
[Liddy] Yeah. Why don't you
take him upstairs?
Cliff and I will stay here and
clean up.
Oh, no! Oh, God.
Get out of here!
- [Cliff] No!
- Gross. Here, go on.
Oh, God. [gags]
You getting sick, honey?
No, I was just...
I was trying to...
Get away from there.
- [retches] Okay.
- Ugh!
Cliff, can you please just go
get some GD towels?
- Okay.
- [Liddy] Thank you.
Shit.
[Josh] Do you know
what you're doing?
I went to nursing school.
For a hot second.
That's dental floss.
Yes, and it's mint.
And it's all I have.
I'm sorry you got hurt, babe.
My dad...
Hates my guts? Yeah, no shit.
He just stabbed me
and called me
a chocolate queer poof.
No, no, he would never
say anything like that, ever.
He just did!
He actually called you
a chocolate "munching" poof.
He's probably
having an aneurysm...
Or a mental breakdown.
I don't know.
I'm worried about him.
What do you want?
Worry about me, also?
I'm bleeding out on
the floor here.
Worry about me,
I'm your fiance...
I'm just gonna start
stitching him.
You told him.
- Why did you tell him?
- I didn't tell him anything.
You obviously did!
Not on purpose. Christ!
Is that why you took
your little gummy?
Because you knew I was gonna
propose and you needed to
"mellow out, man"?
I took the little gummy,
the ones that you like,
because it's very stressful, right?
Yeah... Watching you make
pancakes,
perfect little pancakes
for your parents...
And dressing me up like a...
Like a you.
This was supposed to be a fun,
exciting, romantic...
surprise.
Well, surprise.
Ro, I...
Ow! God. Shit.
Hello? Hi. Yeah.
Is this a plow company?
Can you hear me?
No, no, tomorrow morning
won't work.
We have people here
who are sick and...
Hello?
God damn it!
Hello? Yes. 911,
can you hear me?
Hello?
Jesus Christ.
Fuck you.
Shit. Okay.
I don't like your color.
Aren't you cold
without a shirt?
I'm okay.
And your skin is so wet.
Did you shower?
Do you remember what happened?
Frank, are you listening?
I said I'm okay.
Well, would you like
some more tea?
I'm gonna get you
some more tea.
I'm okay.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you're a weak old man
who's amounted to nothing
and soon you'll be gone.
And there'll be only me.
No, no, no, no, no.
"No, no, no, no, no."
But, yeah.
You ought to be grateful.
You won't be alive to see me
eat your entire family
and shit out their bones.
I know that you'll
be struggling with the urge
to fight me, to resist,
but I'll let you into
a tiny secret.
You're dead, already.
And you'll eat your own shit
for eternity!
Jesus Christ.
Jesus who?
Not familiar.
[cackling maniacally]
[continues cackling]
[sighs]
Hey, babe.
Hey.
I just came to tell you I found
a plow so we can all
get out of here.
Great.
You fixed it.
Mr. Fix-It to the rescue.
Okay, Josh, if this is about my
dad, I...
It's not, actually,
it's about you.
How ever since we got here,
it's like...
you're just being...
Ever since we got here,
I've been what, exactly?
Tell me.
Can you stop playing that
stupid guitar for one second?
So now my music is stupid too?
My music career is stupid too, now?
Josh, you don't have
a music car...
- [rustling]
- I don't have a what?
Josh.
No, Ro, say it. Just say it.
There's a woman in the corner.
What do you mean,
there's a woman in the...
Oh, no!
- Say something.
- To her?
[Rohan] Yes.
- Hello.
- [woman whimpering]
Ma'am?
Uh, ma'am?
Did you come from outside?
Can we help you?
[both screaming]
Ro! Ro!
Help me!
I am!
[Josh] No, you're backing away!
What's happening?
- What is that?
- I don't know!
I can't get the lights on!
Well, then take off the mitts,
Liddy!
Yes.
[gasping]
See if you can find a shovel.
I'd do it myself, but I have...
I have pins in my hips.
I'm not sure I can move in
the snow like that.
That's convenient.
Plus, kinda happy where I am.
- Good to know.
- Yeah.
Warm.
[gasps and shudders]
- [light switch clicks]
- Damn.
- [gasps]
- [rodent screeches]
[Cliff] Find a shovel?
[shudders]
[growls]
[gasps]
- [grunts]
- [screams]
No, no, no, no!
- [grunting frantically]
- [door thudding]
[farts]
It was the door?
[screams]
[Rohan] She was right there.
She was right there, and then
she wasn't.
Same, same. Exact same for me.
Um...
Oh. Yeah.
He didn't have a fucking face.
She didn't either!
She didn't have
a fucking face either.
Rohan, what you are saying
makes no sense.
[Sara] I'm sorry.
Next time I get attacked
by faceless people
wearing '80s clothes,
I'll make sure it makes sense,
okay? Just remind me.
She had '80s clothes too.
Shoulder pads.
Sara, I checked the garage
and there's nothing there.
No, there was.
That is my point.
There was something very there!
Liddy saw it too, Mom. Right?
Well, I saw a shape.
It was dark,
but it did look like something
was grabbing Josh's arm.
Yes.
Josh, I'm so sorry.
I was trying to fight her off,
I swear.
It's okay.
- I froze.
- I said it's okay.
- Did she have curly hair?
- Yeah. Yeah.
That's her, that's the lady.
And that football guy,
that's my garage ghost.
I'm sorry. I'm very confused.
"Letters on Demonology
and Witchcraft,
by Sir Walter Scott, 1830."
"Allie, I think I found a
solution to our problem.
Check out page 85.
Could be neat. Love, B."
- Who's B?
- What's on page 85?
"Andras."
Andr...
That is just part
of the Wi-Fi password.
Frank was saying it. "Andras."
- Then why is it in this book?
- I...
Here, go ahead.
"A... A marquis of Hell...
Andras is
the sower of discord.
He is a controller of storms
and master of possession.
He has the body of a man
and the head of a raven.
He will seek a human host
to regain entry to our realm,
so it must be kept
inside the protective circle."
This is insane.
There are circles
all over this house.
"If allowed to cross the circle
while inside the host,
death will come to all."
[sarcastically] Ooh!
And there's this picture over
here. Are we done?
No, wait. It says...
"Checked out of the library...
1983."
And if this box
belonged to Allie...
then maybe this is "B."
So, the fuck does that mean?
I think these girls
summoned a demon.
Okay, this is insane.
Sharon, there is something
really bad happening
in this house!
And you managing to
only spit out
"This is insane"
- every other second...
- Hey.
Do you really think
Frank just has a fever?
'Cause if you do,
that is insane.
He tried to kill me.
[Sharon] Josh,
that was an accident.
No, it wasn't.
Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?
You cannot
talk to me like that.
I am a retired psychologist.
[chuckles] Rohan said
you were tricky, but...
Oh, my God,
I had no fucking clue.
If you don't wanna
figure this out,
fine.
But I am not gonna stay here
and wait for them to come back.
- I'm gonna go.
- Where?
I don't know, Sharon.
I can't go anywhere because
there's 38 feet of snow...
And I'm stuck
in a haunted house
with my fucking parents!
Okay, Sharon?
I knew I didn't like you.
I knew that too.
[Rohan] Josh.
See?
Discord.
Is he okay, though?
Maybe we should stick together.
[Sharon] I think I'll pass.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I have been here
in the house with everyone
for a day,
and it feels like a year.
So I am going to go upstairs
and wait for the snowplow,
and bring Frank some of
these noodles,
which are "crazy" for
some reason.
Oh, no,
it's just because of how
all the different noodles
look crazy...
laying there together.
Yeah, we say they're like
the UN of noodles.
All different kinds. [chuckles]
- [sighs]
- Right.
- And they're crazy good.
- Thank you.
Everyone is very angry.
[clears throat]
- [knocking on door]
- Frank?
[water running]
Oh, dear God.
- Frank?
- [Frank whistling]
Are you hungry?
You want some lukewarm noodles?
[suspenseful music plays]
Clumsy.
Thank you.
I was hoping
you would wanna eat something.
Thank you, Sharon.
I don't know
what I'd do without you.
Oh, well...
You know how much I love you,
don't you?
Well, what do you mean?
Rohan, too.
I'm just... Oh, God.
At times, I'm just...
I'm so absent.
I... There are things inside my
head I wanna say and I...
I just don't say them.
Well, that's okay, Frank.
You have to kill me.
What?
You have to kill me.
I...
Frank!
Frank?
[ominous music playing]
Frank!
Frank, where are you?
- [choking]
- I'll eat your soul!
Frank!
"'Till death do we part."
Right, dear?
- [cackles]
- Sharon!
This sissy boy
can't save you now.
Get off of her!
Holy shit.
[gasps]
Dad!
- [bones creaking]
- [Josh] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- [barks]
- Hello, son. Ready for Hell?
- [Rohan] Mom, are you okay?
- I think so.
[Frank panting]
I don't feel so good.
- Oh!
- [whimpers]
[gasps]
Fuck this.
[Sharon] Stay still.
Sharon, please... I...
You got it.
No, I don't got it!
Did you get some in your mouth?
No, no. My mouth was closed the
whole time. What...
What are you even doing... No!
No. No.
You're not gonna wash my mouth
out, okay? I'm fine.
It was a tiny bowl of
crazy noodles.
And then he turned...
[grunting]
It just kept coming out,
so there must have been
- something else...
- Mom, mom. Mom, you're tired.
Maybe just sit or something.
No. I... I have
to find your father.
I have to find Frank.
Sharon, we know where Frank is.
[Frank cackling]
Yeah.
That's not Frank.
I don't know who that is.
Frank doesn't like to fly.
He would never
just fly around like that
and then try to kill me.
Mom, don't be scared.
It's gonna be okay.
I am fine. I don't get scared.
Do you remember
what I used to do
when you got scared
when you were little?
Yeah. Don't do that.
When you thought
there was a ghost
- in your closet.
- Yeah, I know. No.
I would go into his room
and do this.
- [grunting softly]
- That's terrifying.
Well, that was the point
'cause then he would forget
about the monster
'cause he was so worried...
about getting a visit from the
Robot Lady.
- Ping, ping, ping.
- Okay, stop, stop.
All right, stop. Stop.
It used to make you laugh.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did. It still does.
Your father and I
would crack up.
[chuckles sadly]
He told me that
we have to kill him.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Hi. Yes, this is he.
You can? In an hour?
Okay. Amazing.
Yeah, yeah, we'll stay put.
Pack up your things,
we're getting out of here.
I don't know
where the dogs are.
What am I gonna do?
Forget the dogs.
You already killed one anyway.
I didn't do it. It was Frank.
I was walking by his room
just now,
and he called me
the C-word.
- Well, stay away.
- Drew it out really long
so I had to wait around to
figure out what he was saying.
Cu...
[drawn out] u...
Just stay away.
Okay, okay.
Now, where's Josh?
- He's guarding my dad.
- By himself?
Well, we're taking turns.
It's fine.
Nothing about this place
is fine.
I know.
I'm really sorry
that I brought any of you here.
This was not the plan.
I was gonna propose to Josh.
You guys were gonna
fall in love with me,
and my parents were gonna fall
in love with you and Josh.
And we were all gonna...
It was gonna be great.
It was supposed to be great.
That was the plan.
Well, it's a tall order
for a three-day weekend.
Hey.
Any sound from him?
No.
Not even breathing.
What?
With this crazy
situation we're in,
if something bad
were to happen,
I just want to tell you...
What?
I think you're cool.
I love you
and I think you're cool.
I love you, too, Dad.
Thank you.
And here's a gun.
Dad, uh...
you brought a gun to meet my
boyfriend and his parents?
It's your uncle's. He made me
take it in case of bears.
I know he's a dumbass,
but we got a bear.
Thanks, Dad.
If you need anything, yell.
Oh, and, uh...
You want me to send Rohan up,
sit with you?
Okay.
Hi, Sharon.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I didn't know what to do,
so I'm doing this.
Okay. Do you have any more?
You know, Josh saved my life.
- Thank you.
- That little Dickens
ran in there and...
[grunts]
- He's braver than
he thinks he is.
- Yeah.
- You're very close.
- Yeah.
Like you and Rohan.
We were more when
he was little.
I guess I was... We were very
hard on him growing up
because he's, he was,
you know, he was different.
Different, how?
You know, he didn't act
like the other boys.
He didn't look
like the other boys,
especially where we lived.
So I told him,
"When you are different,
people will treat you poorly."
I taught him
to do everything right
before anyone
could tell him he was wrong.
- I... Parenting is too hard.
- Yeah.
And I'm getting very drunk,
but this is very good.
- You want to have some more?
- No, we should stop.
We're gonna have to leave soon.
Come on.
[Josh] Frank?
You in there? Can you hear me?
Frank, I want you to
know something.
Fucking queer.
Butt-lover.
No, I'm talking
to the real Frank!
And if you can hear me...
Your son's an idiot.
But I love him.
Even if this didn't
all really...
work out.
Because his dick is too small?
- Too small for your butt.
- Oh, my God.
The dick is fine, evil Frank.
Well, I'm looking
at the dad-dick right now,
and if the son-dick
is anything like the dad-dick,
the dick is small. [cackles]
Does anyone else
wanna take a turn?
The plow did not show up.
I don't care what the driver
is telling you.
- Give it to me.
- We are staying put.
Can you please just
send someone
- to get a plow over here?
- Give me the phone!
What are you doing?
Can you... Stop!
Hello? Hello?
They hung up. Thank you, Sara.
I said I would do it
because obviously you can't.
I told you this whole thing was
a bad idea
and now I'm stuck here.
You're not even
supposed to be here.
- No one invited you.
- I know that!
[sobs] Jeez.
Are you crying?
I should have been invited.
I'm your family too.
You're gonna get married
and move to Teaneck.
And then you're
gonna have a baby
with a surrogate who's
gonna hate me,
with a nanny who hates me.
Just like your mom hates me.
And then I'm done.
I don't have family like you.
You're it!
Sara, I love you.
Ew!
I just don't know
why your mom hates me so much.
It's because the first time you
met her,
you said, "Hey, whore."
That's nice.
That's me being nice.
You don't like me.
Shut up, I do.
No, you don't.
You thought
my taxis were weird.
What? I never.
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
And I like Josh, too, I do.
I just feel bad that
I was rude.
I think maybe I didn't
even give him a chance.
I just don't want Rohan to make
a mistake.
You need to let Rohan
make mistakes.
He is not a child.
And if he's always trying
to be perfect for you,
then he is always going
to come up...
[both screaming]
Sharon, that's a demon dog!
Kill it!
- How?
- I don't know. Just do it!
- Wait. Don't look!
- No!
Are you nuts?
Let me try, hold still!
What the hell is going on
in here?
- This!
- What?
Here. Here. Right here.
It's...
I'm gonna stick
my finger up its ass.
What?
- You ready?
- Yeah.
[dog squeals]
- Give me that.
- I got you.
Do not
fuck with
my wife!
- [growls]
- Do not fuck with my wife!
Do not!
I think we got him.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, honey, I'm okay.
It bit right down
on the bracelet you got me.
So it barely even
touched the skin.
I was... I was scared.
It's okay 'cause you saved me.
I did?
Yeah, you did.
Go wash your finger.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Sharon.
We're having a moment.
No, not that.
Look, I think the plow is here.
- [Liddy] Oh.
- [Sharon] Well, you
see it right there?
There's... The headlight.
Is it...
It's not moving.
Wait, that's not a plow, is it?
[Cliff] No.
It's another house.
- Who wants to watch Frank?
- I will.
Josh, wait.
Okay, this is the number
for the plow.
Keep calling until they answer.
[knocking]
Hello?
I hope we don't get murdered.
Hello?
I don't like it in here.
Okay, well,
maybe they have a landline.
Or a chainsaw.
[Brenda] Six, six...
six, six.
Hi.
[gasps] Hi.
I should have told you I was
down here.
I got stuck in the storm.
I didn't want to disturb
you and your parents
on your big weekend.
- How's it going?
- Bad.
You're not enjoying yourselves.
- No.
- Oh.
Brenda, your house is...
Drafty?
No, it's filled with...
- Charm?
- No.
Did you awaken a demon?
I thought it would take a few
renters to get the job done,
but you two just
walked right into it.
I was like,
this Wi-Fi thing
is never gonna work.
But then...
Voila.
The body he chose is weak.
I was hoping he would pick you.
Your body is...
[kisses]
Is that weird? I'm sorry.
What are you saying to us right
now? What is she saying?
That she set this all up?
I'm just following
instructions, but yes.
Seriously, drink the coffee.
He's not gonna be here
for another half hour
when the Worm Moon is full.
- [phone ringing]
- Excuse me.
[deep voice] Hello.
Well, the driver should
be there any minute.
What is your name?
Sara.
Just stay put,
Sara, sweetheart.
What?
- [normal]
I couldn't risk you leaving.
- Okay, we're going back...
No, no, no, no.
I told you, he's sleeping.
What about the others?
They're barely more
than shadows.
Just bang two pots together
and they'll run.
How did this happen?
It was sort of Allie's idea, actually.
Is that the girl
in the Boy George shirt?
Yes, yes.
Allie was 15.
She was 16 at the most,
and she lived in this big
farmhouse with her mother
and brother.
She was a dork.
I was too, I guess.
Although I was more of a spaz.
Actually, I was kind of cool.
And for whatever reason,
Allie's mother...
didn't approve of me.
She said I wasn't the kind of
person she should be
hanging around with.
I mean, maybe she thought
we were experimenting.
Maybe it was because my parents
were heavily into the occult.
Whatever the reason,
I was just happy to
have a friend.
But Allie was
so mad at her mom...
she wanted to get back at her.
She wanted to scare her.
And I was like, "Well, if you
really wanna scare someone,
what if we...
conjure a demon?"
That was your first idea?
I mean,
I don't think either of us
really thought it would work.
But there we were,
drawing circles on the floor
saying weird words
and throwing chicken blood
around over our heads
and like
something was happening.
Allie?
Gimme a break.
Seriously?
What are you doing
in there anyway?
[Brenda] And suddenly,
there's this terrifying,
but really hot demon in front
of us.
Under our control.
Waiting to do our bidding.
And so, I said...
- "Get 'em."
- "Get 'em"?
[screams]
- Get 'em!
- Get 'em.
- Get 'em.
- Get 'em?
And then he disappears.
I guess, to do just that.
And so we wait.
And then we hear
her brother screaming.
[scream echoes in distance]
Then Allie says, "What
have you done?"
And I said, "What have I
done? I just did what you
told me to do."
And she said,
"Well, I just wanted you
to scare them."
And I was like,
"Yeah, this is pretty scary."
And then she said,
"Maybe my mom was right.
Maybe you're not the kind of
person I should be
hanging around with."
And then before
I could stop her...
Allie stepped out
of the circle.
And that's, like, the one thing
you're not supposed to do.
Because then the demon can
rip your face off,
eat your soul.
[screaming]
You're insane.
Maybe because I watched
three people being killed
by a demon who let me escape,
only to put voices in my head
every moment of my life
so that I would bring him
a suitable human vessel!
Maybe that's
why I seem a little off.
There are a ton of rules
involved in this.
Look, it has to be a Worm Moon,
et cetera, et cetera.
Help us.
If Andras is in your head,
you must know
something we can do.
No.
As soon as your father
invited him into his body,
the die was cast.
The host will cross
and Andras will become.
And the feast begins
and all will die.
Even you?
No, I'm his faithful minion.
It's a bad relationship.
It's my only one.
Okay, it's time to do this.
Um, I have to help Andras
cross the circle.
Wait, the circle you've been
drawing around the house with
that stick?
Yes.
Isn't that weird
that was like yesterday?
Isn't that crazy?
What's with all the gay stuff
with him anyways?
He's old.
What are you gonna do?
It's a different generation.
Now, come on, let's do this.
Brenda, please.
There's nothing you can do.
What if the host can't cross?
- Like how?
- If the host
were dead.
No host, no cross.
What are you talking about?
That's my dad.
It doesn't work that way.
And besides,
you would never try that.
You're just
a couple of nice gays.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to the bathroom.
You don't seriously wanna
kill my father, do you?
No, of course not.
I'm just trying
to think of something to do.
Well, obviously, we have
to take her out, right?
She's the guide or whatever.
We have to take down the guide.
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
You're right.
Yeah.
Okay.
When she comes out of the
bathroom, I'll grab her,
you punch her in the face.
What? I can't punch
somebody in the face.
Okay. Well, then, you can grab
her and I'll just punch her.
I grab? I can't grab.
Then you have to punch, Ro.
Sorry, I'm just freaking out,
all right? Just a little...
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for what I said
about your music.
I didn't mean it.
Fine, just hit my hand.
- Practice.
- You're so good, Josh,
but all you do is jam with Rob.
I mean, how are people
gonna know how good you are if
- all you do is jam with Rob!
- Ro! Ro, just hit my...
palm.
That's good.
- That was pretty good.
- Yeah, you got this.
- All right.
- Okay.
Let's fucking do this.
Okay.
She's in there, right?
She's in the bathroom?
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Where's the snow?
Oh, my God, come on,
the Worm Moon is out.
- Yeah, but who took the snow?
- Who cares?
[Brenda chanting in Latin]
[Sara] Who is this woman?
She's a friend of the demon.
She started going off and all
the snow just flew up and...
He's the controller of storms.
- Son of a bitch.
- [continues chanting]
Brenda, knock it the fuck off!
Josh!
- [gasps]
- Josh!
- Oh, my God!
- Damn it!
- Josh!
- [continues chanting in Latin]
What is she saying?
It's Latin.
You speak that, don't you?
Like, in high school.
She's saying something like...
"To those who... circle."
"Free the circle"? No, no.
"Freedom lies
outside the circle."
We have to stop him.
- Ro!
- We have to go.
And what exactly
are we supposed to do?
How do I know, Liddy?
Why don't you ask her?
- [continues chanting]
- She's busy.
[Frank cackles]
Frank, no.
I know you can hear me.
Please, please stop this.
Mom, no, no, please stay back,
stay back.
Please, I...
Father, please,
you have to fight this.
"Father"?
Your father never wanted you!
I don't believe you.
[screams]
God! Where's the gun?
I gave it to you, Sara.
- I left it somewhere!
- Where?
The kitchen!
Josh!
Where are we going?
You find somewhere to hide.
I have to stop him.
What? No!
What are you gonna do?
You can't do anything.
You saw him.
You are staying with me.
No, Mom, stop!
You always say that you
raised me to be strong enough
to stand up to anything.
Eventually, you gotta
let me do it.
What?
What is...
- [Brenda continues chanting]
- Where's Ro?
Where's the gun?
I lost it, okay?
[objects clattering]
"All will die."
The Wi-Fi password.
[gasps]
You weren't trying to hurt us.
You were trying to warn us.
Yeah, that didn't
come across at all.
[Brenda continues chanting]
You guys...
Well, Frank's awake.
[Cliff] Damn.
He looks like shit.
He's possessed by a demon,
Cliff.
[continues chanting]
- Just stay back, okay?
- Okay.
We should go. Let's try to go.
[Cliff] Where are we gonna go,
Liddy?
He's just gonna float around
and yak all over us again.
[tense music playing]
[cackles]
[Rohan] Josh.
Ro.
- What are you doing?
- I'm ending this.
Take this. Take it.
I love you.
You know that, right?
Ro, what are you doing?
You'll know what to do.
Hey, Brenda!
You really think this old man
can take over the world?
His body's weak as shit.
Look at him.
Let Andras come into me.
- What? No!
- What's he doing?
I've got the words right here.
Speak!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Andras, I give you myself.
[grunting]
Tibi Andras.
Josh, now!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
- No!
- Come into me.
I'm hotter and a year younger!
Stop, you're confusing things.
We already have a volunteer.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
He needs a host!
You guys!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Holy shit!
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
Jesus crackers!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
[in robot voice]
Watch out for the Robot Lady.
What the hell is this?
Did it help?
No, honey,
that wasn't anything.
Come with us.
I don't know what we're doing,
but it's doing something.
It's confusing him.
Get in a circle, guys, come on.
Just start...
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Sum tibi Andras.
- Ego.
- Sum.
- Tibi.
- Andras.
[Brenda] No, no, no, no, no!
You're killing him!
- He needed a host.
- [screeches]
He has to cross the circle.
We made our own circle, bitch.
Sorry, I don't like that word.
That's not me.
- [growls]
- [all gasp]
You killed him!
You can go home now, Andras.
[chanting in Latin]
My dick is big.
[Brenda sobbing]
- [dish washer beeps]
- [dog yips]
Ro...
You would do that for me?
You would do that for me.
Look what I found
in the grass.
How did that get there?
- Ro.
- [gasps]
Oh, my God.
Now, I know you like
to be in control
- of everything...
- Yes. The answer's yes.
[Sara] Aw!
- I have to ask!
- Yes, Josh, yes.
[barks]
I knew this was gonna happen.
I was in on it.
Yeah.
- [Kate whimpers]
- Kate. It's okay.
- Kate.
- We're not fighting.
We're happy.
- That's so nice.
- It is, is...
Ro...
I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
Dad, I knew it wasn't you
saying those things.
No, you didn't. Not completely.
And you should know
how much I care for you,
and how much I love you.
But if I don't tell you,
how would you know?
Dad...
If I don't tell you,
how would you know?
Oh, my God,
this has been a lot.
Ro,
look.
[Brenda] Oh, my God.
Allie, we're free.
Andras can't hurt us anymore.
That was our joke.
We were always flipping each
other off.
That... It was very big
in the '80s.
I don't like this.
Did you see that?
- No.
- They just disappeared.
- Didn't see anything.
- You didn't see it?
I'm beat, so I'm gonna scram.
Phew!
Checkout's at 11:00.
You're going to jail,
you psychopath.
Write a review.
I have a review.
Suck my dick!
Sorry, that's...
I'm not myself this weekend.
["You Keep Me Hangin' On"
playing]
Set me free
Why don't you, babe
Get out my life
Why don't you, baby
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me
Hanging on
Why don't you be
A man about it?
And set me free
Now you don't care
A thing about me
You're just using me
Hey, abusing me
Get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Set me free
Why don't you, babe
Get out my life
Why don't you, babe
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Why was he a bird?
Yeah, why was Andras a bird?
He was calling us names,
and he was a bird?
- Fuck you.
- Yeah, fuck you, dude.
You're a fucking bird.
- What the fuck?
- Get outta here!
Yeah, get the fuck outta here,
Andras.
Go be a bird somewhere else.
Fuck.
It wasn't all bad, though.
You said yes.
I can't believe I saw
my dad's hard co...
[sobbing]
Allie!
Allie, you're missing
the end of MASH!
BJ spelled "Goodbye"
in rocks.
And Hawkeye sees it.
You're not for real
crying at this?
Yes! Did you see the rocks?
I saw the rocks.
Just tell your sister
it's time for dinner.
You tell her.
I don't wanna tell her.
Excuse me.
You kids are gettin' a little
too big for your shorts lately.
Hate you kids.
- [knocking]
- Allie?
Come on.
You don't have to talk to me.
You can just eat
and look angry.
Allie!
Gimme a break.
Seriously?
What are you doing
in there anyway?
[ominous music playing]
- [gasps]
- [alarm ringing]
Check and see if we've got
another one
in the garage freezer.
Let's just go out.
- Jamie.
- Why not?
Just, please, help me out.
Don't be a dick.
Be my sweet boy.
- Fine.
- Thank you, Jamie.
You're making
a very noble sacrifice.
I want you to know...
- [creature growls]
- [grunts]
- [screaming]
- [creature rustles and growls]
[announcer on TV]
Feeling thirsty this summer?
Get ready for
a new great splash.
Don't burn it this time, okay?
Wow, it tastes like
real grapes!
Fortified with nine vitamins
and minerals.
Mom?
Allie?
Allie!
No!
No!
[shudders] Oh, no.
[girl] What do you see?
Allie! Tell me what you see!
Oh, my God!
Open the door!
Just open the door!
- [panting]
- [creature growling]
[screaming]
["Levitating" playing]
If you wanna
Run away with me
I know a galaxy
And I can take you for a ride
I had a premonition
That we fell into a rhythm
Where the music
Don't stop for life
Glitter in the sky...
Okay, I don't wanna
make a decision
that I'm gonna regret later,
so just walk me through it one
more time.
Okay. Would you rather
have a cat
- that can talk...
- Okay.
But all it can say is,
"Fuck it."
So it just walks around
all day saying, "Fuck it"?
All day. "Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it."
- Or?
- Or a cat with a human butt.
Okay, is it a sexy butt
like mine?
No, it's very saggy.
Ew! Well, can it wear pants?
Just decide, 'cause it's not
really happening so...
Okay, so this "Fuck it" cat,
is it chill like, "Fuck it, I'm
down for whatever,"
or is it more like, "Fuck it, I
don't wanna live anymore"?
What is wrong with you?
Did you take a gummy?
I don't even have any gummies.
I'm just havin' fun.
I'm excited that
we're doing this.
Also, look at this
freakin' house.
Your parents have an ensuite
bathroom. And mine.
No one has to tinkle
anywhere near each other.
And it's like, what,
350 bucks a night for
a fucking mansion?
And look at the sunroom.
Look at the sunroom.
I love how horny you are for
this house.
I'm not horny.
It's just so sunny.
You rented an impressive house
for our parents
and now you're all horny
- in your pants area.
- Josh.
Josh, stop. Kate's watching.
Kate, I'm just
petting him. See?
All right, all right.
Hands on the steering wheel.
Oh, shit, it's my father.
Okay, they're in the Lyft
and will be at the house
in 30 minutes.
All right, Josh, just remember,
when you meet my father,
sometimes he can be
a little awkward around...
Hey, Ro, just, come on.
Are you sure there's nothing
I need to know
about your parents?
No. Mine are normal.
That must be nice.
[Josh] Ro, this house is dope.
I know. This is what I've been
talking about.
Okay.
This is sick.
Do you love it?
I love it. I love you.
Mmm.
Don't be nervous, okay?
'Cause then I'll get nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Parents love me.
I'm the fun one.
- I'm fun too.
- Uh-huh.
Come on, Katie, go!
- Go pee-pees.
- All right, Katie.
Okay, here we go.
[Josh] Oh, my God, Ro.
How much shit did you bring?
The mixie thing?
What are you planning on doing
with the mixie thing...
Ro?
Who's that?
Oh, I'm not sure.
Hi, I'm Brenda.
Hi. Hi, we're Josh and Rohan,
the renters.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
- Thank you.
- It used to be a working farm.
- [both] Oh.
- Cows and goats, pigs...
- Oh.
- A duck.
And sometime in the '80s,
there was a fire.
It started in the basement
and then half the house
just went...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
The family that was here
didn't live.
Well, they couldn't
live here anymore.
So, it's just kind of stayed
abandoned forever
till new owners came along
to fix it all up.
- It's gorgeous.
- Thank you.
It's too bad you're not here
in the summer.
There's a creek in the back
and on warm days,
you can just kind of
sit down in the water.
That's what I do.
So, you live here?
I just help
the owners manage it.
You're actually our first
renters. Oh, no.
Oh. Kate. Come on. Stop it.
I don't remember
a mention of a dog.
I think I mentioned it
in one of my messages.
We can put down a deposit?
It's fine. And are you gay?
What?
I'm thinking you're gay.
Yes. Is that okay?
That'll work. Come on in.
Oh, my God, the braid.
Is that a wig?
Is that two wigs?
This is for you.
Wine and a meat stick, yum.
And of course, corn.
You know what the best thing
about corn is?
Corn has dolls.
Aw, that's cute.
It's not a "that."
It's a little girl.
And some emergency numbers,
just in case. Like a snowplow.
It's late in the year for snow,
but you never know.
Oh! The Worm Moon is this
weekend, so that's cool.
Oh. Yeah.
The Wi-Fi password.
You'll want this.
What is it? "Ego sum tibi..."
- [thumping]
- [gasps softly]
You know, everything
is so complicated these days.
- I'll take that, yeah.
- And...
that's it.
Yeah, the router's downstairs
if there's any trouble.
Have a great time.
And good luck with the parents.
I hope they were
better than mine.
Mine were...
Okay, bye.
Okay. [chuckles]
I said we're gay
and she said, "That'll work."
Okay, she also said she likes
to squat in the creek.
I mean... Come on.
- What? No, Josh.
- Come on.
They'll be here any minute.
No, you said "later."
- We'll be quick.
- [cell phone vibrates]
Oh! That's my phone.
Oh, God, here we go.
Hey, what's up?
[Sara] This is a mistake.
A bad idea.
I just have a feeling.
Also, where's your
goddamn corkscrew?
- Are you in our apartment?
- Come on.
What? Is she?
Yeah. You asked me
to watch Kate.
Yeah, and then I told you
we're bringing her with us.
Did you not notice there's
no dog in the apartment?
I just got here.
I don't know what I notice.
Just don't propose to Josh
this weekend.
Shake, shake. Shake, shake.
I can't help you with that.
Come here.
Are you fucking there?
What is your problem?
You loved the idea
two nights ago.
And now I'm sober.
You're gonna have a whole
parent meet-and-greet up there
- and you're also gonna...
- Ask him to marry me, yeah.
Ro, it's too much.
What's your rush?
I know you think Josh is all
easy, breezy, cover girl. But
come on.
And I'm sorry,
when you get around your
parents, you become...
What? I become what?
It's just too much!
That's the point.
I planned everything to
be unforgettable.
Josh is the best thing
that's ever happened to me
and I just want my parents to
see that.
And when the time is right,
I'm gonna get down on a knee
and take out the ring...
- What are we talkin' about?
- Nothing.
Is she okay? Are you okay?
Yeah. No, everything's great.
Okay.
[branch rustling]
Oh, hi!
Hi. You're still here.
I know. I am.
I'm just measuring
because the sprinkler guy
is coming next week.
So I need to measure,
so he can, you know,
put the little hoses
in the ground.
Measuring, measuring,
measuring, measuring...
done.
Six hundred units.
Okay. Officially
out of your hair.
Okay.
Good luck.
You'll need it.
- [car thuds]
- Oops! Sorry.
A sprinkler system
in the woods?
- Seems weird.
- Yeah.
Fuck!
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
[Rohan] Oh, my God, what?
What? Is everything okay?
Yeah. No, nothing. I'm just...
I'm just really excited about
everything that's happening.
Look, before everyone shows up,
I wanted to ask you something.
Well, what is it?
I've been wondering
if...
maybe we don't tell my parents
that you got fired?
- Oh.
- It's not a big deal
and I know you kinda got fired
on purpose
so you could
focus on your music,
which I love
and I'm totally here for.
It's just, you know,
for first impressions.
Say I still work at REI?
Maybe.
Or not? I don't know.
I'm being weird.
Don't listen to me, okay?
Shit, they're here! Okay.
They are gonna love you
so much.
- Yeah.
- I love you so much.
Do you need the hat?
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay.
All right. Here we go.
Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- I'm excellent.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
Isn't this amazing?
I'm sorry, I'm talking to your
sister. Hold on.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I mean,
we just got here.
I mean, the house looks nice.
We haven't been inside yet so,
you know, who knows, I mean...
Hang on a second.
Frank, it's Lyft.
- You don't pay.
- I know that, Sharon.
I do live in the modern world.
- Daddy!
- Rohan.
Welcome to Hazleton Fields.
Hello.
[Sharon] I mean, you knew that
was what you signed up for.
So, well...
[Sharon] I understand.
You, uh...
Trip okay?
You look healthy.
Thank you. You look good.
[Sharon] Well, I have to go.
All right.
Your father needs me. Bye.
Sorry, I'm here.
Baby is chewing your sister's
nipples off.
- [Frank] Nipples.
- I told her, yes,
that's why I skipped that.
It's one of the many perks
of adopting.
[Rohan] Well,
I'm so glad you both are here.
Tomorrow, the weather
is supposed to warm up,
so we're gonna take
a little stroll in a...
You know what?
I'm gonna save it
as a surprise.
This is gonna be good.
Well, it better be.
The trip was a nightmare.
Horrible.
[Sharon]
But the house looks nice.
I mean, how are
you paying for this?
Who's this?
Hey! I'm Josh.
I'm so sorry. I forgot to...
- Oh, my God...
- It's okay. It's okay.
This is Josh.
It's so good to
finally meet you guys.
Okay. Whoa!
- Okay. All right. Okay.
- Kate, no...
- Okay.
- Come on, come here.
Come on. Sorry, we're beginning
to think she's a lesbian.
What?
Well, she just loves
the smell of...
The smell of what?
Joshua, have you met my father?
Daddy! Uh... Sir.
No.
- Hi.
- Wow.
You work out?
- Huh? [grunts]
- [chuckles]
Yeah.
Yes, I wish I had more time to
spend at the gym.
Do you work?
Yes, Dad. Joshua works.
Right, Josh?
Yes, I work at REI,
the largest seller of camping
and outdoor gear in America.
It's what I do now.
Oh! You must love the outdoors.
I'm also a songwriter.
That too.
Oh, great, great.
Okay, "Daddy."
So what do you think?
Of what?
Of Josh?
Well, we just met, didn't we?
Oh, my God. What were you gonna
say to my mother?
That Kate loves
the smell of pussy?
No! No, I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know what to say.
You left me standing there
with your father
and he was just like...
[gravelly voice] "Rocking bod,
Josh. Wow!"
Okay, that is not what he said.
He's just bad
at talking to people.
If you weren't wearing
that dumb tight shirt...
I'm sorry I don't have an adult
floor-length driving coat.
Did Mommy buy that for you?
Are you making fun
of my parents?
No, you!
Who was that?
I've never met that guy before.
Look, I'm stressed. My parents,
they want everything to be a
certain way.
- Like for me to be a woman?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Shut up.
Yes, it's just...
I've never brought
a boy home before.
Ever?
There's never been anyone
important enough until now.
So, yes... I'm stressed.
I know what might help.
You brought drugs?
They're gummies, Ro.
They're the mango ones
that you like.
Come on, let's...
split one.
Let's calm your ass down.
No.
And you can't have any either.
I forbid it.
You forbid it?
I forbid it.
Yes, sir.
No fun, sir.
Hot cider and
Scrabble only, sir.
Be quiet, okay?
We're gonna have fun now.
Just no more pussy jokes
in front of my mother.
Fine.
But if your mother can't
appreciate a good pussy joke...
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Tell me what to do 'cause I...
I saw it.
There's no turning back.
[woman] Hello!
Oh! Thank God. Mom.
Hey, hey! You made it.
It's cold as shit here.
You guys said
it was gonna be warm.
[Liddy] Josh, this house.
Big enough much?
- Rohan, hi.
- Hi.
Heard you were a foodie,
so I made you
my special crazy noodles.
- Aye!
- Crazy noodles! Thank you.
Cliff, what are you doing?
- Say hi.
- I'm tying my goddamn shoe.
He's tying his goddamn shoe.
He's crazy.
He's driving me crazy.
Hi!
We are Sharon and Frank.
- Liddy.
- Hi, Libby.
No, it's "Liddy."
Like lid of a jar.
Short for "Lydia"?
It's actually
short for "Elizabeth."
Well, wouldn't that be "Libby"?
Well, it could be.
But, I'm Liddy.
So... Like the canned
vegetables.
That's "Libby's."
Call her whatever you want.
I'm Cliff, like,
the rock that you fall off,
break your neck and die.
[others laughing politely]
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Good to see you, son.
- [Josh] How was the drive?
Well, we were making good time,
and then we hit construction.
And we were stuck for,
I don't know.
It was probably... 30 minutes?
It'd been maybe
even more than that.
I mean, it was movin', but it
was slow.
I mean, we were crawling.
You know, five miles an hour,
maybe ten.
And we would speed up and then
slow down.
Speed up. Slow down.
- Might have been
50 minutes, actually.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Great, okay, that's the end.
Epic tale, Dad.
Come on, let's find your room.
- Okay.
- Wait, no,
I gotta... I have to let the
dogs out.
- Dogs?
- More dogs.
What dogs?
[dogs barking]
Okay.
- What are their names?
- Honey, I don't know.
She told me, but...
Frick, Frack, and
Fuck-If-I-Know.
Sorry.
The F-bomb. That's not me.
Okay, let's go.
In the house. Come on.
Goddamn annoying
little fuckers.
I'm so sorry.
About what?
About what happened upstairs.
I don't know what you mean.
Okay, we're doing that now.
Cool.
[mysterious music playing]
Come on.
It's not supposed to snow.
[Liddy] This is just beautiful.
I know, right?
I don't know if I wanna do
breakfast in the sunroom
or in the dining room.
I can make tater tot casserole.
I just need tater tots.
That's okay, Liddy.
I have a whole thing planned.
Okay.
Rohan, would you get me a glass
of water
- so I can take these Advils?
- Yeah, of course.
I'd actually love a glass.
Didn't hear me.
Yeah.
So... Libby, what do you and
Clint do?
"Liddy." Yeah...
Cliff teaches math.
And we met
because I was a receptionist
at the high school.
- How about you?
- Well, um,
Frank is an architect and I am
a retired psychologist.
Oh, wow, okay.
Yeah, that's neat.
And I did a little modelling
in the '80s, here and there.
Cliff actually did some
modelling in the '80s, too.
Huh. For who?
I'm just completely kidding.
- Can I have some ice?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.
You've got him trained well.
He is adorable.
He was so supportive of Josh
when he got fired from that...
[Josh] No!
Did you say "fired"?
'Cause it's...
It's not... It's not right.
Honey, you got fired in May,
remember?
And you said you were glad
'cause you could work
on your music.
Ooh! We're not talking
about that in front of...
Yeah. I'm dumb. Dumb mommy.
Just... I'm sorry.
So you don't work at a camping
store, but you do music?
- Yeah, I write songs.
- He writes songs.
[Liddy] Sad songs.
Sweet but sad.
Keep telling him,
"Stop making them so sad."
Anything I would have heard?
- No.
- [Josh] Mom.
You answer.
No.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
You wanna sing one of 'em?
That's what you do.
[singing] Puppy dog eyes
You are killing me
With those
Puppy...
Dog...
Eyes
So, what time is dinner?
[sighing]
Sorry, wrong room.
Oh. No problem.
You're in the room
down the hall.
This is me and Ro.
Well, yes. Yes, of course.
Well, unless you want
this room?
- No, no, no, no.
- No, 'cause we can
totally switch
'cause we haven't even touched
the bed.
We... To sleep. We...
In terms of sleeping,
we haven't touched the bed.
We haven't touched it at all.
You know, Ro likes it firm,
and me,
I'll take it however I can...
I can get it.
That's good to hear.
Oh, my God.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yeah.
Yep. Yep.
Yeah.
All right.
[Liddy] Really snowing.
Perfect night for
a yummy dinner at home.
What can I do?
Heat up the crazy noodles?
No. We can save that
for tomorrow.
Actually, once Josh's done
with the potatoes,
we'll be ready. Right, Josh?
- Josh?
- What?
Yeah.
Yeah, the potatoes are ready.
They're in the pot.
Here, Mom, go...
go have everyone sit in chairs.
Make sure that everyone
has their own chair.
That's very important.
Yeah, that's normally
what happens.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah. No. I don't know.
Think I cooked the hens
for too long like an idiot.
No, they're beautiful
and perfect.
Let's go have the best night of
our lives.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Honey.
Yeah.
This chicken is so tender,
isn't it, Cliff?
- Very tender.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and I like how the...
Such a small chicken.
- Oh.
- I've got it.
Slippery?
Yeah. It's very slippery, yeah.
[Frank] The potatoes are good.
Josh made them.
- Right, Josh?
- Yep. What?
You made the potatoes.
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Uh...
You know what they say
about potatoes.
- "Everybody loves potatoes."
- [chuckling politely]
You know what this party needs?
We, we need some more wine...
for everyone.
- Thank you.
- And...
some music. Yeah?
Alexa, play Motown.
- [device beeps]
- What?
The Internet's not working.
Where's the password?
I guess it was something
like..."Ego sum...
- "tibi..."
- [thumping]
Hmm?
Furnace.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well,
if Alexa's not happening,
then...
[singing] Set me free
why don't you, baby
Get out my life
Why don't you, baby
'Cause you...
What's... I don't, I don't know
the rest of the words.
'Cause you don't really
love me
You just
Keep me hanging on
Now what?
Why don't you get
Out of my life
And let me start again
- [chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah
Set me free
why don't you, baby
Get out my life
why don't you, baby
Yes, everybody
You don't really love me
I found the Wi-Fi password.
It's "Ego sum tibi..."
[gasps]
Fuck!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Josh!
- What? What on earth?
- What happened?
Are you okay?
Yeah, there was something
under the table
- just grabbed me.
- It was just Kate.
No, no, no, no,
it was a little...
A little dirty-person hand.
A little dirty-person hand?
Yeah, well, he just grabbed me
under the table!
- A little dirty person did?
- What?
[Cliff] Someone's enjoying
their wine.
That... That's...
That's nothing. Nothing.
Come on, come on.
What is that? A vitamin chew?
Is that what scared you, Josh?
No. No, no, no.
It's... I don't know.
That was...
[chuckles awkwardly] Weird.
A little dirty-person's hand?
What on God's green?
I don't know.
He almost knocked
the china hutch over.
That is not normal.
So you don't like him?
What's with this Wi-Fi?
It's not working.
It is not whether or not
I like him.
It's just... I mean,
what is Rohan doing?
Josh lied about his job,
by the way.
I didn't tell you that.
He looked us right in the face,
and he said,
"Yes, I work at..."
whatever it was, "REY."
He does music.
Frank, anybody can do music.
La, la, la, la
I just did music.
Okay.
Yes, Josh is attractive,
but is that it?
I think you should talk to him.
To Josh?
I wouldn't know what to say.
To Rohan.
Well, no, no.
I wouldn't know
what to say to him either.
That's great. Good talk.
- Good night.
- Mmm-hmm.
Look, I'm sorry.
I messed up, but...
Don't be mad at me. Please.
- [groans]
- [sings] Don't be mad at me
[chuckles] Okay. Okay. Okay.
Just, no more surprises.
Seriously. I want them
to like you.
I want them to like me too.
Do they not?
No, they do.
Just... I wish
you would maybe...
- [thudding in distance]
- What was that?
I don't know. My dad said
it was the furnace, but...
Oh, my God, is that...
Please, God, no.
What?
You said you wanted
your parents
to have a good time.
- That is not my parents.
- Yeah.
That is definitely
Cliff and Liddy.
No, my father cannot
move like that.
It is your mother
and your father.
No, it's not. Don't say that.
Your parents are fucking.
- [thudding continues]
- I have to say something.
Just ignore it.
How? It is relentless.
Well, what are you gonna do?
What... Just walk in there
and say,
"Please excuse me, but we can
hear you having, um...
- personal time."
- Personal time?
Well, you know what I mean.
Sexual interplay.
Oh, my God, Frank.
- [thudding continues]
- [sighs]
Libby's gonna be sore tomorrow.
[thudding continues]
Those pipes sure are loud.
If those are pipes,
the house is about to explode.
Well, then what is it?
Well, what do you think it is?
Well, I'd like it to be pipes.
[thudding continues]
[thudding stops]
Thank God.
He came.
Shut up.
Your mother's like...
"Frank, can you
get me a towel?"
Shut up, for real, okay?
I'm still mad at you.
No, you're not.
- [thudding resumes]
- Oh, my God.
Round two?
Go, Frank! Go, Frank!
Joshua!
[woman] Hello?
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Thank you. I'm about to die.
What are you doing here?
You asked me to come,
you bitch.
You asked her to come?
I texted,
but I wasn't saying...
You texted a thousand times and
I'm here.
So, you're welcome.
I'm soaked.
Sara, it's like,
after midnight.
No shit.
Can I please just go
to my room?
I'll put on the big "charming
for the parents" show tomorrow.
Where are the rooms? Upstairs?
Kate, come sleep with me.
Come on.
Oh, God, the wallpaper
is everything.
Why?
Why would you do this to me?
I didn't think I was, but...
Hey, look, maybe this is
a good thing.
To have someone fun
as a buffer.
Oh. God, Josh,
my mom can't stand her.
And she's just gonna make
everything about herself.
No, she won't.
[Sara] What room am I in?
Jesus.
I got her.
- I got her.
- Yeah, you do.
I'm on a couch?
We ran out of bedrooms.
Then don't invite people.
- I didn't exactly invite...
- It's fine. It's fine.
Just go away.
It's fine.
I already had half a bottle
of Cabo on the train
and took my night-night pills.
It's fine.
What about those texts?
What text?
The proposal?
Oh. That was supposed to be
for my business manager.
Mmm-hmm.
There's a proposal
for a new office space.
Just act surprised.
Jesus.
Are you excited?
Yes. Yes.
Dinner was not good.
This totally fucked up
thing happened...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Just stories tomorrow, okay?
Oh.
- What's the Wi-Fi?
- It doesn't really work.
Just tell me
and I'll figure it out.
It's like...
"Ego sum tibi" something.
Why is it Latin?
- What?
- It's Latin.
It means,
"I give you myself..."
or "Take me," or something.
How do you know Latin?
'Cause I'm smart.
[ominous voice] Come to me.
"Ego sum..."
"tibi Andras."
Take me...
Andras.
I hope you like caviar, Cliff.
Doubtful.
[Liddy] Jeez, the snow's
almost up to the bird feeder.
Wow, my weather app
was way off.
I know. I hope a plow shows up,
or we're never
getting outta here.
Why? Where do we have to be?
Good morning. Look at you,
all spiffed up.
Is that cashmere?
La-lee-la
Let me get those, Mom.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Nice sweater.
Thank you. I got it from this
hot guy I know.
[Sharon]
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
You're all dressed up too.
I didn't get the memo.
- Am I?
No, I just rolled out of bed.
- [chuckles]
Well, look at all those taxis.
Yeah.
Gosh, there must be
thousands of them.
I don't know. That's a lot.
- Count 'em later.
- Yeah.
Did you sleep well?
It was kinda noisy last night.
- It was noisy.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Did you sleep okay?
Yes, fine. You?
I slept okay, yeah.
Yeah, I was a little worried.
Why?
Well, that's what
a vacation is for, isn't it?
To worry?
Where's Dad? He's usually the
first one out of bed.
Probably all worn out
from the, you know...
- [grunting]
- Cliff.
"Pipe noise."
I actually thought
he'd be down here.
He was gone when I woke up,
so I...
Maybe you should
check the bathroom.
Those little chickens
were tasty,
but they made me go off
like a rocket ship.
Okay, who wants a mimosa?
Yes! Now!
Oh, it wasn't a dream.
You're actually here.
Hi!
I'm Sara.
I'm Liddy.
I know all about
the famous Liddy.
Come here!
And I love these taxis,
you bad bitch.
Vroom! I stan.
I don't know.
And this handsome devil
must be Cliff.
Maybe.
[laughs] Hi.
Oh, my God...
Sharon.
I didn't even recognize you.
Are you aging in reverse?
When exactly did you get here?
[Sara] Late.
I couldn't miss the weekend
with my favorite boys
and the parents who made them.
Where's my guy, Frank?
Actually, we don't know.
[Frank] I'm in here.
Frank?
[Frank] Hi.
How long have you been here?
Forever.
[Rohan] All right.
Dig in, everybody.
Okay, who wants eggs?
Liddy, eggs?
- No.
- Yes.
Frank, eggs?
- No?
- Are you feeling okay?
I'm good.
Is there a knife?
- Knife for the bagels?
- Yeah.
There's a bread knife
somewhere.
You are very pale.
[Liddy] Honey,
will this knife work?
[Josh] No. It's... Something
sharper. Like a bread knife.
Oh, Frank has it.
Oh, here you go, Josh.
Oh, shit!
- Frank!
- Oh, my God, Josh!
I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay?
- Well...
Honey, that's really bleeding.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
- Frank, how did you do that?
I don't know.
I just meant to pass it to him
like this.
- [all screaming]
- My God!
Dad, what are you doing?
Grab the knife, grab the knife!
- Yeah.
- He needs to go to a hospital!
- Oh, my God. Is it that bad?
- [dogs barking]
Yeah. Yeah, Ro, I think I could
use a stitch or two.
God, Dad, how did that happen?
I don't know.
Will someone please make those
dogs quiet?
[yelling loudly] Shut up!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God...
- Mom, Mom.
- Lift...
- Lift, lift!
- Josh, are you okay?
Ro, come on,
what are you doing over there?
Help me!
Oh, God.
Is it okay?
[Liddy] What am I
gonna tell Karen?
I don't even know
which one this is.
How did that thing even fall?
Hi. Hi. We have an injury in...
Hello?
How can there be
no service anywhere?
In tall furniture like that,
you gotta anchor it
to the wall.
Okay.
'Cause you put heavy stuff
on one of the top shelves,
and, you know, the next thing
you know...
Got it. Yeah, no, I know.
It's gonna fall over and crush
a small, annoying animal.
Okay. Thank you, Cliff.
Does it hurt?
Yes, of course. My arm is
slashed open.
He didn't mean it, Josh, okay?
Did he eat? Could it be low
blood sugar or something?
He is very out of it,
and he's dehydrated.
I put him in a hot shower to
wake him up.
Whoever gave him all that
champagne did not help.
Sorry, that was me.
Josh, I told you
not to do that.
He barely drinks.
You know we had
a big day planned.
I'm sorry I ruined your big day
by making
your father attack me.
It was an accident.
It was two deep accidents, Ro.
What are you crying about now,
ya fucking queers?
- Whoa!
- Frank, where is your towel?
[Cliff] Holy shit.
- He's hard as a rock.
- Don't look at it, Cliff.
Frank, what are you thinking?
- You gotta cover yourself up.
- No.
Look at it.
[Sharon] He's sleepwalking.
Frank, wake up!
Look at it!
- Yeah, we see it, pal.
- [Frank] Look at it.
[Sharon] For God's sake!
Yes, we see everything.
[Frank] Look at it!
For God's sake.
- [chokes]
- Dad, what's happening?
Oh, my God.
- He's having a stroke.
- A heart attack.
Dad, is it your heart?
Talk to me. Talk to me.
Does anybody have a goddamn
phone that will dial out?
Can you text?
- How do you text a hospital?
- I don't know.
Don't yell at me.
Who even are you?
- [thuds]
- [all gasp]
The dog's out of the box.
This sucks.
Okay, Frank, Frank, hey.
We're gonna move you to the
couch, okay?
Don't touch me,
you chocolate munching poof!
- Hey, hey, hey, easy there.
- Chocolate what?
Dad, why are you saying stuff
like that?
This isn't you.
He's, he's sleepwalking.
Frank, cut it out!
We gotta get him to
the hospital.
I would also like to go
to the hospital.
- [retches]
- [all gasp]
[Sharon] Frank!
Frank.
Hello. What's happening?
- Who threw up?
- Well, you did.
You just got a little sick.
You just...
Oh, my God,
you are burning up.
Dad, what happened?
- I need to lie down.
- [Sharon] Yeah.
I don't know why I'm here.
None of us do.
[Liddy] Yeah. Why don't you
take him upstairs?
Cliff and I will stay here and
clean up.
Oh, no! Oh, God.
Get out of here!
- [Cliff] No!
- Gross. Here, go on.
Oh, God. [gags]
You getting sick, honey?
No, I was just...
I was trying to...
Get away from there.
- [retches] Okay.
- Ugh!
Cliff, can you please just go
get some GD towels?
- Okay.
- [Liddy] Thank you.
Shit.
[Josh] Do you know
what you're doing?
I went to nursing school.
For a hot second.
That's dental floss.
Yes, and it's mint.
And it's all I have.
I'm sorry you got hurt, babe.
My dad...
Hates my guts? Yeah, no shit.
He just stabbed me
and called me
a chocolate queer poof.
No, no, he would never
say anything like that, ever.
He just did!
He actually called you
a chocolate "munching" poof.
He's probably
having an aneurysm...
Or a mental breakdown.
I don't know.
I'm worried about him.
What do you want?
Worry about me, also?
I'm bleeding out on
the floor here.
Worry about me,
I'm your fiance...
I'm just gonna start
stitching him.
You told him.
- Why did you tell him?
- I didn't tell him anything.
You obviously did!
Not on purpose. Christ!
Is that why you took
your little gummy?
Because you knew I was gonna
propose and you needed to
"mellow out, man"?
I took the little gummy,
the ones that you like,
because it's very stressful, right?
Yeah... Watching you make
pancakes,
perfect little pancakes
for your parents...
And dressing me up like a...
Like a you.
This was supposed to be a fun,
exciting, romantic...
surprise.
Well, surprise.
Ro, I...
Ow! God. Shit.
Hello? Hi. Yeah.
Is this a plow company?
Can you hear me?
No, no, tomorrow morning
won't work.
We have people here
who are sick and...
Hello?
God damn it!
Hello? Yes. 911,
can you hear me?
Hello?
Jesus Christ.
Fuck you.
Shit. Okay.
I don't like your color.
Aren't you cold
without a shirt?
I'm okay.
And your skin is so wet.
Did you shower?
Do you remember what happened?
Frank, are you listening?
I said I'm okay.
Well, would you like
some more tea?
I'm gonna get you
some more tea.
I'm okay.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you're a weak old man
who's amounted to nothing
and soon you'll be gone.
And there'll be only me.
No, no, no, no, no.
"No, no, no, no, no."
But, yeah.
You ought to be grateful.
You won't be alive to see me
eat your entire family
and shit out their bones.
I know that you'll
be struggling with the urge
to fight me, to resist,
but I'll let you into
a tiny secret.
You're dead, already.
And you'll eat your own shit
for eternity!
Jesus Christ.
Jesus who?
Not familiar.
[cackling maniacally]
[continues cackling]
[sighs]
Hey, babe.
Hey.
I just came to tell you I found
a plow so we can all
get out of here.
Great.
You fixed it.
Mr. Fix-It to the rescue.
Okay, Josh, if this is about my
dad, I...
It's not, actually,
it's about you.
How ever since we got here,
it's like...
you're just being...
Ever since we got here,
I've been what, exactly?
Tell me.
Can you stop playing that
stupid guitar for one second?
So now my music is stupid too?
My music career is stupid too, now?
Josh, you don't have
a music car...
- [rustling]
- I don't have a what?
Josh.
No, Ro, say it. Just say it.
There's a woman in the corner.
What do you mean,
there's a woman in the...
Oh, no!
- Say something.
- To her?
[Rohan] Yes.
- Hello.
- [woman whimpering]
Ma'am?
Uh, ma'am?
Did you come from outside?
Can we help you?
[both screaming]
Ro! Ro!
Help me!
I am!
[Josh] No, you're backing away!
What's happening?
- What is that?
- I don't know!
I can't get the lights on!
Well, then take off the mitts,
Liddy!
Yes.
[gasping]
See if you can find a shovel.
I'd do it myself, but I have...
I have pins in my hips.
I'm not sure I can move in
the snow like that.
That's convenient.
Plus, kinda happy where I am.
- Good to know.
- Yeah.
Warm.
[gasps and shudders]
- [light switch clicks]
- Damn.
- [gasps]
- [rodent screeches]
[Cliff] Find a shovel?
[shudders]
[growls]
[gasps]
- [grunts]
- [screams]
No, no, no, no!
- [grunting frantically]
- [door thudding]
[farts]
It was the door?
[screams]
[Rohan] She was right there.
She was right there, and then
she wasn't.
Same, same. Exact same for me.
Um...
Oh. Yeah.
He didn't have a fucking face.
She didn't either!
She didn't have
a fucking face either.
Rohan, what you are saying
makes no sense.
[Sara] I'm sorry.
Next time I get attacked
by faceless people
wearing '80s clothes,
I'll make sure it makes sense,
okay? Just remind me.
She had '80s clothes too.
Shoulder pads.
Sara, I checked the garage
and there's nothing there.
No, there was.
That is my point.
There was something very there!
Liddy saw it too, Mom. Right?
Well, I saw a shape.
It was dark,
but it did look like something
was grabbing Josh's arm.
Yes.
Josh, I'm so sorry.
I was trying to fight her off,
I swear.
It's okay.
- I froze.
- I said it's okay.
- Did she have curly hair?
- Yeah. Yeah.
That's her, that's the lady.
And that football guy,
that's my garage ghost.
I'm sorry. I'm very confused.
"Letters on Demonology
and Witchcraft,
by Sir Walter Scott, 1830."
"Allie, I think I found a
solution to our problem.
Check out page 85.
Could be neat. Love, B."
- Who's B?
- What's on page 85?
"Andras."
Andr...
That is just part
of the Wi-Fi password.
Frank was saying it. "Andras."
- Then why is it in this book?
- I...
Here, go ahead.
"A... A marquis of Hell...
Andras is
the sower of discord.
He is a controller of storms
and master of possession.
He has the body of a man
and the head of a raven.
He will seek a human host
to regain entry to our realm,
so it must be kept
inside the protective circle."
This is insane.
There are circles
all over this house.
"If allowed to cross the circle
while inside the host,
death will come to all."
[sarcastically] Ooh!
And there's this picture over
here. Are we done?
No, wait. It says...
"Checked out of the library...
1983."
And if this box
belonged to Allie...
then maybe this is "B."
So, the fuck does that mean?
I think these girls
summoned a demon.
Okay, this is insane.
Sharon, there is something
really bad happening
in this house!
And you managing to
only spit out
"This is insane"
- every other second...
- Hey.
Do you really think
Frank just has a fever?
'Cause if you do,
that is insane.
He tried to kill me.
[Sharon] Josh,
that was an accident.
No, it wasn't.
Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?
You cannot
talk to me like that.
I am a retired psychologist.
[chuckles] Rohan said
you were tricky, but...
Oh, my God,
I had no fucking clue.
If you don't wanna
figure this out,
fine.
But I am not gonna stay here
and wait for them to come back.
- I'm gonna go.
- Where?
I don't know, Sharon.
I can't go anywhere because
there's 38 feet of snow...
And I'm stuck
in a haunted house
with my fucking parents!
Okay, Sharon?
I knew I didn't like you.
I knew that too.
[Rohan] Josh.
See?
Discord.
Is he okay, though?
Maybe we should stick together.
[Sharon] I think I'll pass.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I have been here
in the house with everyone
for a day,
and it feels like a year.
So I am going to go upstairs
and wait for the snowplow,
and bring Frank some of
these noodles,
which are "crazy" for
some reason.
Oh, no,
it's just because of how
all the different noodles
look crazy...
laying there together.
Yeah, we say they're like
the UN of noodles.
All different kinds. [chuckles]
- [sighs]
- Right.
- And they're crazy good.
- Thank you.
Everyone is very angry.
[clears throat]
- [knocking on door]
- Frank?
[water running]
Oh, dear God.
- Frank?
- [Frank whistling]
Are you hungry?
You want some lukewarm noodles?
[suspenseful music plays]
Clumsy.
Thank you.
I was hoping
you would wanna eat something.
Thank you, Sharon.
I don't know
what I'd do without you.
Oh, well...
You know how much I love you,
don't you?
Well, what do you mean?
Rohan, too.
I'm just... Oh, God.
At times, I'm just...
I'm so absent.
I... There are things inside my
head I wanna say and I...
I just don't say them.
Well, that's okay, Frank.
You have to kill me.
What?
You have to kill me.
I...
Frank!
Frank?
[ominous music playing]
Frank!
Frank, where are you?
- [choking]
- I'll eat your soul!
Frank!
"'Till death do we part."
Right, dear?
- [cackles]
- Sharon!
This sissy boy
can't save you now.
Get off of her!
Holy shit.
[gasps]
Dad!
- [bones creaking]
- [Josh] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- [barks]
- Hello, son. Ready for Hell?
- [Rohan] Mom, are you okay?
- I think so.
[Frank panting]
I don't feel so good.
- Oh!
- [whimpers]
[gasps]
Fuck this.
[Sharon] Stay still.
Sharon, please... I...
You got it.
No, I don't got it!
Did you get some in your mouth?
No, no. My mouth was closed the
whole time. What...
What are you even doing... No!
No. No.
You're not gonna wash my mouth
out, okay? I'm fine.
It was a tiny bowl of
crazy noodles.
And then he turned...
[grunting]
It just kept coming out,
so there must have been
- something else...
- Mom, mom. Mom, you're tired.
Maybe just sit or something.
No. I... I have
to find your father.
I have to find Frank.
Sharon, we know where Frank is.
[Frank cackling]
Yeah.
That's not Frank.
I don't know who that is.
Frank doesn't like to fly.
He would never
just fly around like that
and then try to kill me.
Mom, don't be scared.
It's gonna be okay.
I am fine. I don't get scared.
Do you remember
what I used to do
when you got scared
when you were little?
Yeah. Don't do that.
When you thought
there was a ghost
- in your closet.
- Yeah, I know. No.
I would go into his room
and do this.
- [grunting softly]
- That's terrifying.
Well, that was the point
'cause then he would forget
about the monster
'cause he was so worried...
about getting a visit from the
Robot Lady.
- Ping, ping, ping.
- Okay, stop, stop.
All right, stop. Stop.
It used to make you laugh.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did. It still does.
Your father and I
would crack up.
[chuckles sadly]
He told me that
we have to kill him.
- [cell phone buzzing]
- Hi. Yes, this is he.
You can? In an hour?
Okay. Amazing.
Yeah, yeah, we'll stay put.
Pack up your things,
we're getting out of here.
I don't know
where the dogs are.
What am I gonna do?
Forget the dogs.
You already killed one anyway.
I didn't do it. It was Frank.
I was walking by his room
just now,
and he called me
the C-word.
- Well, stay away.
- Drew it out really long
so I had to wait around to
figure out what he was saying.
Cu...
[drawn out] u...
Just stay away.
Okay, okay.
Now, where's Josh?
- He's guarding my dad.
- By himself?
Well, we're taking turns.
It's fine.
Nothing about this place
is fine.
I know.
I'm really sorry
that I brought any of you here.
This was not the plan.
I was gonna propose to Josh.
You guys were gonna
fall in love with me,
and my parents were gonna fall
in love with you and Josh.
And we were all gonna...
It was gonna be great.
It was supposed to be great.
That was the plan.
Well, it's a tall order
for a three-day weekend.
Hey.
Any sound from him?
No.
Not even breathing.
What?
With this crazy
situation we're in,
if something bad
were to happen,
I just want to tell you...
What?
I think you're cool.
I love you
and I think you're cool.
I love you, too, Dad.
Thank you.
And here's a gun.
Dad, uh...
you brought a gun to meet my
boyfriend and his parents?
It's your uncle's. He made me
take it in case of bears.
I know he's a dumbass,
but we got a bear.
Thanks, Dad.
If you need anything, yell.
Oh, and, uh...
You want me to send Rohan up,
sit with you?
Okay.
Hi, Sharon.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I didn't know what to do,
so I'm doing this.
Okay. Do you have any more?
You know, Josh saved my life.
- Thank you.
- That little Dickens
ran in there and...
[grunts]
- He's braver than
he thinks he is.
- Yeah.
- You're very close.
- Yeah.
Like you and Rohan.
We were more when
he was little.
I guess I was... We were very
hard on him growing up
because he's, he was,
you know, he was different.
Different, how?
You know, he didn't act
like the other boys.
He didn't look
like the other boys,
especially where we lived.
So I told him,
"When you are different,
people will treat you poorly."
I taught him
to do everything right
before anyone
could tell him he was wrong.
- I... Parenting is too hard.
- Yeah.
And I'm getting very drunk,
but this is very good.
- You want to have some more?
- No, we should stop.
We're gonna have to leave soon.
Come on.
[Josh] Frank?
You in there? Can you hear me?
Frank, I want you to
know something.
Fucking queer.
Butt-lover.
No, I'm talking
to the real Frank!
And if you can hear me...
Your son's an idiot.
But I love him.
Even if this didn't
all really...
work out.
Because his dick is too small?
- Too small for your butt.
- Oh, my God.
The dick is fine, evil Frank.
Well, I'm looking
at the dad-dick right now,
and if the son-dick
is anything like the dad-dick,
the dick is small. [cackles]
Does anyone else
wanna take a turn?
The plow did not show up.
I don't care what the driver
is telling you.
- Give it to me.
- We are staying put.
Can you please just
send someone
- to get a plow over here?
- Give me the phone!
What are you doing?
Can you... Stop!
Hello? Hello?
They hung up. Thank you, Sara.
I said I would do it
because obviously you can't.
I told you this whole thing was
a bad idea
and now I'm stuck here.
You're not even
supposed to be here.
- No one invited you.
- I know that!
[sobs] Jeez.
Are you crying?
I should have been invited.
I'm your family too.
You're gonna get married
and move to Teaneck.
And then you're
gonna have a baby
with a surrogate who's
gonna hate me,
with a nanny who hates me.
Just like your mom hates me.
And then I'm done.
I don't have family like you.
You're it!
Sara, I love you.
Ew!
I just don't know
why your mom hates me so much.
It's because the first time you
met her,
you said, "Hey, whore."
That's nice.
That's me being nice.
You don't like me.
Shut up, I do.
No, you don't.
You thought
my taxis were weird.
What? I never.
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
And I like Josh, too, I do.
I just feel bad that
I was rude.
I think maybe I didn't
even give him a chance.
I just don't want Rohan to make
a mistake.
You need to let Rohan
make mistakes.
He is not a child.
And if he's always trying
to be perfect for you,
then he is always going
to come up...
[both screaming]
Sharon, that's a demon dog!
Kill it!
- How?
- I don't know. Just do it!
- Wait. Don't look!
- No!
Are you nuts?
Let me try, hold still!
What the hell is going on
in here?
- This!
- What?
Here. Here. Right here.
It's...
I'm gonna stick
my finger up its ass.
What?
- You ready?
- Yeah.
[dog squeals]
- Give me that.
- I got you.
Do not
fuck with
my wife!
- [growls]
- Do not fuck with my wife!
Do not!
I think we got him.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, honey, I'm okay.
It bit right down
on the bracelet you got me.
So it barely even
touched the skin.
I was... I was scared.
It's okay 'cause you saved me.
I did?
Yeah, you did.
Go wash your finger.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Sharon.
We're having a moment.
No, not that.
Look, I think the plow is here.
- [Liddy] Oh.
- [Sharon] Well, you
see it right there?
There's... The headlight.
Is it...
It's not moving.
Wait, that's not a plow, is it?
[Cliff] No.
It's another house.
- Who wants to watch Frank?
- I will.
Josh, wait.
Okay, this is the number
for the plow.
Keep calling until they answer.
[knocking]
Hello?
I hope we don't get murdered.
Hello?
I don't like it in here.
Okay, well,
maybe they have a landline.
Or a chainsaw.
[Brenda] Six, six...
six, six.
Hi.
[gasps] Hi.
I should have told you I was
down here.
I got stuck in the storm.
I didn't want to disturb
you and your parents
on your big weekend.
- How's it going?
- Bad.
You're not enjoying yourselves.
- No.
- Oh.
Brenda, your house is...
Drafty?
No, it's filled with...
- Charm?
- No.
Did you awaken a demon?
I thought it would take a few
renters to get the job done,
but you two just
walked right into it.
I was like,
this Wi-Fi thing
is never gonna work.
But then...
Voila.
The body he chose is weak.
I was hoping he would pick you.
Your body is...
[kisses]
Is that weird? I'm sorry.
What are you saying to us right
now? What is she saying?
That she set this all up?
I'm just following
instructions, but yes.
Seriously, drink the coffee.
He's not gonna be here
for another half hour
when the Worm Moon is full.
- [phone ringing]
- Excuse me.
[deep voice] Hello.
Well, the driver should
be there any minute.
What is your name?
Sara.
Just stay put,
Sara, sweetheart.
What?
- [normal]
I couldn't risk you leaving.
- Okay, we're going back...
No, no, no, no.
I told you, he's sleeping.
What about the others?
They're barely more
than shadows.
Just bang two pots together
and they'll run.
How did this happen?
It was sort of Allie's idea, actually.
Is that the girl
in the Boy George shirt?
Yes, yes.
Allie was 15.
She was 16 at the most,
and she lived in this big
farmhouse with her mother
and brother.
She was a dork.
I was too, I guess.
Although I was more of a spaz.
Actually, I was kind of cool.
And for whatever reason,
Allie's mother...
didn't approve of me.
She said I wasn't the kind of
person she should be
hanging around with.
I mean, maybe she thought
we were experimenting.
Maybe it was because my parents
were heavily into the occult.
Whatever the reason,
I was just happy to
have a friend.
But Allie was
so mad at her mom...
she wanted to get back at her.
She wanted to scare her.
And I was like, "Well, if you
really wanna scare someone,
what if we...
conjure a demon?"
That was your first idea?
I mean,
I don't think either of us
really thought it would work.
But there we were,
drawing circles on the floor
saying weird words
and throwing chicken blood
around over our heads
and like
something was happening.
Allie?
Gimme a break.
Seriously?
What are you doing
in there anyway?
[Brenda] And suddenly,
there's this terrifying,
but really hot demon in front
of us.
Under our control.
Waiting to do our bidding.
And so, I said...
- "Get 'em."
- "Get 'em"?
[screams]
- Get 'em!
- Get 'em.
- Get 'em.
- Get 'em?
And then he disappears.
I guess, to do just that.
And so we wait.
And then we hear
her brother screaming.
[scream echoes in distance]
Then Allie says, "What
have you done?"
And I said, "What have I
done? I just did what you
told me to do."
And she said,
"Well, I just wanted you
to scare them."
And I was like,
"Yeah, this is pretty scary."
And then she said,
"Maybe my mom was right.
Maybe you're not the kind of
person I should be
hanging around with."
And then before
I could stop her...
Allie stepped out
of the circle.
And that's, like, the one thing
you're not supposed to do.
Because then the demon can
rip your face off,
eat your soul.
[screaming]
You're insane.
Maybe because I watched
three people being killed
by a demon who let me escape,
only to put voices in my head
every moment of my life
so that I would bring him
a suitable human vessel!
Maybe that's
why I seem a little off.
There are a ton of rules
involved in this.
Look, it has to be a Worm Moon,
et cetera, et cetera.
Help us.
If Andras is in your head,
you must know
something we can do.
No.
As soon as your father
invited him into his body,
the die was cast.
The host will cross
and Andras will become.
And the feast begins
and all will die.
Even you?
No, I'm his faithful minion.
It's a bad relationship.
It's my only one.
Okay, it's time to do this.
Um, I have to help Andras
cross the circle.
Wait, the circle you've been
drawing around the house with
that stick?
Yes.
Isn't that weird
that was like yesterday?
Isn't that crazy?
What's with all the gay stuff
with him anyways?
He's old.
What are you gonna do?
It's a different generation.
Now, come on, let's do this.
Brenda, please.
There's nothing you can do.
What if the host can't cross?
- Like how?
- If the host
were dead.
No host, no cross.
What are you talking about?
That's my dad.
It doesn't work that way.
And besides,
you would never try that.
You're just
a couple of nice gays.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to the bathroom.
You don't seriously wanna
kill my father, do you?
No, of course not.
I'm just trying
to think of something to do.
Well, obviously, we have
to take her out, right?
She's the guide or whatever.
We have to take down the guide.
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
You're right.
Yeah.
Okay.
When she comes out of the
bathroom, I'll grab her,
you punch her in the face.
What? I can't punch
somebody in the face.
Okay. Well, then, you can grab
her and I'll just punch her.
I grab? I can't grab.
Then you have to punch, Ro.
Sorry, I'm just freaking out,
all right? Just a little...
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for what I said
about your music.
I didn't mean it.
Fine, just hit my hand.
- Practice.
- You're so good, Josh,
but all you do is jam with Rob.
I mean, how are people
gonna know how good you are if
- all you do is jam with Rob!
- Ro! Ro, just hit my...
palm.
That's good.
- That was pretty good.
- Yeah, you got this.
- All right.
- Okay.
Let's fucking do this.
Okay.
She's in there, right?
She's in the bathroom?
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Where's the snow?
Oh, my God, come on,
the Worm Moon is out.
- Yeah, but who took the snow?
- Who cares?
[Brenda chanting in Latin]
[Sara] Who is this woman?
She's a friend of the demon.
She started going off and all
the snow just flew up and...
He's the controller of storms.
- Son of a bitch.
- [continues chanting]
Brenda, knock it the fuck off!
Josh!
- [gasps]
- Josh!
- Oh, my God!
- Damn it!
- Josh!
- [continues chanting in Latin]
What is she saying?
It's Latin.
You speak that, don't you?
Like, in high school.
She's saying something like...
"To those who... circle."
"Free the circle"? No, no.
"Freedom lies
outside the circle."
We have to stop him.
- Ro!
- We have to go.
And what exactly
are we supposed to do?
How do I know, Liddy?
Why don't you ask her?
- [continues chanting]
- She's busy.
[Frank cackles]
Frank, no.
I know you can hear me.
Please, please stop this.
Mom, no, no, please stay back,
stay back.
Please, I...
Father, please,
you have to fight this.
"Father"?
Your father never wanted you!
I don't believe you.
[screams]
God! Where's the gun?
I gave it to you, Sara.
- I left it somewhere!
- Where?
The kitchen!
Josh!
Where are we going?
You find somewhere to hide.
I have to stop him.
What? No!
What are you gonna do?
You can't do anything.
You saw him.
You are staying with me.
No, Mom, stop!
You always say that you
raised me to be strong enough
to stand up to anything.
Eventually, you gotta
let me do it.
What?
What is...
- [Brenda continues chanting]
- Where's Ro?
Where's the gun?
I lost it, okay?
[objects clattering]
"All will die."
The Wi-Fi password.
[gasps]
You weren't trying to hurt us.
You were trying to warn us.
Yeah, that didn't
come across at all.
[Brenda continues chanting]
You guys...
Well, Frank's awake.
[Cliff] Damn.
He looks like shit.
He's possessed by a demon,
Cliff.
[continues chanting]
- Just stay back, okay?
- Okay.
We should go. Let's try to go.
[Cliff] Where are we gonna go,
Liddy?
He's just gonna float around
and yak all over us again.
[tense music playing]
[cackles]
[Rohan] Josh.
Ro.
- What are you doing?
- I'm ending this.
Take this. Take it.
I love you.
You know that, right?
Ro, what are you doing?
You'll know what to do.
Hey, Brenda!
You really think this old man
can take over the world?
His body's weak as shit.
Look at him.
Let Andras come into me.
- What? No!
- What's he doing?
I've got the words right here.
Speak!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Andras, I give you myself.
[grunting]
Tibi Andras.
Josh, now!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
- No!
- Come into me.
I'm hotter and a year younger!
Stop, you're confusing things.
We already have a volunteer.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
He needs a host!
You guys!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Holy shit!
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
Jesus crackers!
Ego sum tibi Andras.
[in robot voice]
Watch out for the Robot Lady.
What the hell is this?
Did it help?
No, honey,
that wasn't anything.
Come with us.
I don't know what we're doing,
but it's doing something.
It's confusing him.
Get in a circle, guys, come on.
Just start...
Ego sum tibi Andras.
Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Ego sum tibi Andras.
- Sum tibi Andras.
- Ego.
- Sum.
- Tibi.
- Andras.
[Brenda] No, no, no, no, no!
You're killing him!
- He needed a host.
- [screeches]
He has to cross the circle.
We made our own circle, bitch.
Sorry, I don't like that word.
That's not me.
- [growls]
- [all gasp]
You killed him!
You can go home now, Andras.
[chanting in Latin]
My dick is big.
[Brenda sobbing]
- [dish washer beeps]
- [dog yips]
Ro...
You would do that for me?
You would do that for me.
Look what I found
in the grass.
How did that get there?
- Ro.
- [gasps]
Oh, my God.
Now, I know you like
to be in control
- of everything...
- Yes. The answer's yes.
[Sara] Aw!
- I have to ask!
- Yes, Josh, yes.
[barks]
I knew this was gonna happen.
I was in on it.
Yeah.
- [Kate whimpers]
- Kate. It's okay.
- Kate.
- We're not fighting.
We're happy.
- That's so nice.
- It is, is...
Ro...
I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
Dad, I knew it wasn't you
saying those things.
No, you didn't. Not completely.
And you should know
how much I care for you,
and how much I love you.
But if I don't tell you,
how would you know?
Dad...
If I don't tell you,
how would you know?
Oh, my God,
this has been a lot.
Ro,
look.
[Brenda] Oh, my God.
Allie, we're free.
Andras can't hurt us anymore.
That was our joke.
We were always flipping each
other off.
That... It was very big
in the '80s.
I don't like this.
Did you see that?
- No.
- They just disappeared.
- Didn't see anything.
- You didn't see it?
I'm beat, so I'm gonna scram.
Phew!
Checkout's at 11:00.
You're going to jail,
you psychopath.
Write a review.
I have a review.
Suck my dick!
Sorry, that's...
I'm not myself this weekend.
["You Keep Me Hangin' On"
playing]
Set me free
Why don't you, babe
Get out my life
Why don't you, baby
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me
Hanging on
Why don't you be
A man about it?
And set me free
Now you don't care
A thing about me
You're just using me
Hey, abusing me
Get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Set me free
Why don't you, babe
Get out my life
Why don't you, babe
'Cause you don't really
Love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Why was he a bird?
Yeah, why was Andras a bird?
He was calling us names,
and he was a bird?
- Fuck you.
- Yeah, fuck you, dude.
You're a fucking bird.
- What the fuck?
- Get outta here!
Yeah, get the fuck outta here,
Andras.
Go be a bird somewhere else.
Fuck.
It wasn't all bad, though.
You said yes.
I can't believe I saw
my dad's hard co...