The Peanut Butter Solution (1985) Movie Script

[exciting music]
[whistle blowing]
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music]
[pleasant music]
- [Boy Voiceover] That's my
sister, Susan Allison Baskin.
"The Wretch."
See the blue robe she's wearing?
Looks too big, eh?
Well it's Mom's and
she's gone away.
She's wearing it
because she knows
it really, really bugs me.
- I told you, she said I could.
- [Boy] But why?
It's too big for you anyway.
- I'm sorry but there's
nothing I can do about it.
Now give me your plate.
- I don't want any of that guck.
Your toast is burning.
- Oh God.
Come on, eat it Michael!
- No.
- It's fruit.
It's exactly what Mom
makes and you eat that.
- I don't want any.
- Come on.
That does it, that
really does it.
- [Bob] Pizza face.
[jazz piano music]
- I can't stand
him, do you hear?
I can't stand him.
Everything I do is wrong.
The food, the money, the dishes.
Dad, are you listening to me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I hear you, Suz.
I am just too tired for
all your squabbling today.
I've been up all night!
It's not easy for him either.
With Mom gone,
don't forget that.
- What do you mean?
She's not dead, you now.
[birds chirping]
[entry bell ringing]
- Hi Superman, coming
to soccer practice?
- Hi, Connie.
- Gee, what's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
- Look, here you're
just a brother, right?
But on the soccer field,
you're a star, come on.
- Maybe.
Hey, did you hear the
fire engines last night?
- Are you kidding?
I was right in the
middle of the action.
Hi, Mr. Baskin.
Hi, Suzie, nice
morning for a ride.
- Hi, Connie.
- [Mr. Baskin] God,
it's the human flea.
Are you here for breakfast or
are you just wiggling through?
- [Connie] I'm just having
some of these delicious grapes,
if that's okay.
- What?
- I said, I'm just having some
of these delicious grapes,
if that's okay with you.
- Do I have a choice?
- [Michael] Connie was at
a fire last night, Dad.
- Yeah, it was fabulous.
All started about midnight.
Half the neighborhood was
there but I got the closest.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- I was wiggling through
the fireman's legs,
the hoses spraying
up all around me.
The guy's coming all
suffocated from the smoke,
coughing like this.
[mimicking coughing]
Boy, those flames.
You shoulda seen them.
- Where was it?
- This old spooky
house near school.
You now, the one that whino has
been sleeping in all winter.
- [Suzie] What's wrong with you?
[somber piano music]
- [Michael Voiceover] Oh boy,
the old spooky house.
I saw one from yesterday.
One of the whinos camps there.
He was outside the bank.
He was begging
but nobody was
giving him anything.
It's funny how
little things you do
can change your whole life.
So I gave him some money,
all that I had.
- Shoot, soccer
practice, come on!
- Hey, hey, hey.
Play well, eh buddy.
- [Suzie] Comb your
hair, Michael.
- Yeah!
Hold on!
I wanna check and see if there
are any letters from Mom!
- [Connie] Hurry up!
- Again, nothing.
- Oops.
Hey, you little guys.
It's dangerous
around here for you.
Watch out, there's ants.
- [Michael] Ants?
There's no ants.
- There are!
- You're strange, Connie.
Was that true about the fire
or were you just
trying to scare us?
- [Connie] No, it's
true, I swear it!
[crow squawking]
Now do you believe me?
- I wanna look inside.
- No, come on.
People died in there
just a few hours ago.
- Oh, gross.
Why do you have to
be such a slob?
How is this supposed
to be clean?
Supposed to be responsible.
Smell that.
- Ugh, God.
Go on, get that out of here.
God, Suz,
I can't concentrate with
you yap, yap, yapping away!
You're late for
school, go on, off.
Off with you.
- Thought I'd dress first.
- [Dad] Very funny.
- Oh, it's easy to be
funny in a madhouse.
You just be normal.
- [Dad] Hey, wish me
luck with the rabbit.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
- Don't fight.
Gum out, please.
[children chattering]
Pick it up, don't drag it.
Pick up the books.
Jessica, stop running.
See me after school.
After school.
- Look at him.
Look at that way he sits.
Look at the muscles
rippling under the skin.
That's anatomy.
Every great artist
knows anatomy.
Stay there, stay there.
Five minutes for this pose.
Just five minutes.
- [Connie] Hey, Michael.
Did you get to the building?
- Yeah but it's all blocked
up, he can't get in.
You know what, they say
there's still bodies--
- Silencio!
Look at the shadow
under the belly.
[speaking foreign language]
Three dimension.
Look at him!
[children giggling]
That's a pig, it's not a dog!
Start again!
Down Jim, down Jim.
- Almost a dog, Orson.
Up, Jim, up, up.
Look at him.
Don't use imagination.
- I don't use
imagination, Signor.
I use the charcoal.
- Oh, mamma mia.
- [Connie] That's
my little sister.
- Don't, Wong.
I will get to you I a minute.
Oh, beautiful,
beautiful, Jennifer.
Oh, fantastic.
And you?
You have done nothing.
- But, Signor, I can't do him.
He keeps sitting down.
- Oh yeah.
[speaking foreign language]
- Oh, it's scary, Signor.
- Put it in your bedroom.
- [Connie] Watch out, Mike!
- What are these
serious squiggles?
- They're flames, Signor.
- Flames?
I do not see any flames on Jim.
[children giggling]
- I imagined them.
- You imagined them?
You dare to imagine in my class?
I told you a thousand
times, no imagination!
Only what you see!
I want accuracy!
This is accurate!
This is the dog.
That is rubbish!
- [Michael] But, Signor.
- Start again.
- If his father sells paintings
for six thousand
dollars a piece,
what was wrong with his?
- Let's see what you
have done wrong, Wong.
You have done wrong, Wong.
- If you do that, Signor,
I will never come to your
class again and I swear it.
- [Man] Hello there.
- [Dad] Okay,
Arthur, come on up.
- Arise he said
arise I did.
- Over here we have...
"Relaxing Bird."
- [Arthur] Ugh.
- "Well Dressed Bird."
[Arthur laughing]
- That's amusing.
Yes but empty.
- "Bird Singing to Cat."
- Oh.
- Thanks a lot Bunny Bugs.
what's wrong with my birds?
- Oh, they're marvelous, Billy.
- But my last show
was a sellout.
- Yes, yes.
But these I can't
sell, I'm sorry.
- Well, you could at least try.
Betty's gone to Australia,
her father died.
Do you have any idea how much
money that is costing me?
- Billy, my clients don't care
about your personal problems.
You know that.
What's that?
- Don't, don't touch that.
Don't touch that.
Nobody touches anything here
but me, all right, all right?
- May I at least look at it?
- Yes.
You may.
At least look at it.
- Hmmmm.
Lovely, just lovely.
That I could sell tomorrow.
- Well, you're not going
to, it's not for sale.
It's a birthday present.
- At six thousand dollars
for it, I'd say.
That's four thousand
dollars for you, Billy.
- No.
I said no and I mean no.
[somber music]
- Uh oh, how're we gonna get in?
[crow squawking]
Holy mackerel!
You gonna try it?
I said, are you gonna try it?
- [Michael] No, I'm gonna do it.
I'm going around here.
- Hey, Michael.
Come this way, it's easier.
[ominous music]
My leg, ah.
Hey, Michael, stop!
Come on, Mike, please
don't be so stupid.
Look, I'm sorry I
suggested it, okay?
It's suicide.
Okay, if you're gonna be
so stupid, I'm gonna leave.
I tell you, I'm
leaving right now.
I tell you, I'm leaving.
[Michael screaming]
[eerie music]
Speak to me!
[computer beeping]
[calculator cranking]
- He's not home yet.
He's not home yet!
What for?
I told you, he's not
home yet, dingy.
- I know, he's over there.
- Michael, get out of there.
- [Connie] He can't,
he's unconscientious.
- [Suzie] How can he
be unconscientious?
- He had a little accident.
- I'm getting Dad.
- [Connie] No, don't.
Just help me lift him up.
[somber music]
- Where am I?
- It's okay, son,
you're home now.
- I phoned the hospital.
Doctors don't make house calls.
- Oh great, the kid could
be dying for all they care.
- Am I dying?
- No, you look pretty
much alive to me, kiddo.
So what happened to you?
- I don't remember.
Except for...
[eerie music]
Connie and I were going
to the burnt up mansion.
- Darn you, Conrad, that's
just what I thought.
- No, I tried to stop
him for the longest time.
- Stop him from what?
- Remember this morning
I told you about the fire
and you got angry at
me about the whinos?
Well he went to see it too
but we were late for
soccer practice
and said after school
hoping you'd forget
but then in art class it
all got started again.
- [Billy] What got
started again?
- About us going to the fire
and when we got there,
one of us had the idea
of looking inside.
When I tried I said,
"Hey, stop, it's suicide."
But he said there
were still survivors.
And I said I was leaving
but when he didn't
leave, I didn't leave.
So he got to the window
and he saw something.
- [Suzie And Billy]
But what did he see?
- I don't remember.
- Poor thing.
He's got a bad case of amnesia.
- Hey, you're a lucky boy.
You've had yourself some
sort of extraordinary fright.
But just think,
people pay good money for
a fright at the movies
and you got yourself
one for free.
- [Michael] Yeah.
- We'll see you later, Conrad.
- Will he be at school tomorrow?
- [Suzie] Of course.
- Scat!
[ominous music]
How's he sleeping?
- Fine, but I found the cat
curled up on his
head like a fur hat.
So I kicked it off.
I don't believe it.
- [Billy] Jeez, I hate that cat.
- Come on, out of there.
Naughty Pablo.
Bad puss.
[entry bell ringing]
- Hi.
Is it all right if I drop
in early before school?
I feel sorta bad
about yesterday,
even if it wasn't my fault.
- What's the point of asking?
You're already in.
That's all right.
- How is he then?
- Oh, he's fine.
He'll be down in a sec.
Here, have some toast.
- No thanks.
I think I'd rather stick to
grapes if you don't mind?
[eerie music]
- [Michael] Hi Connie,
do we have soccer today?
- Holy shmolly.
- Michael!
Where's your hair?
- What's wrong with my hair?
- You don't any.
- Don't panic.
Just sit down here and...
and let me think thing through.
- But Dad, he's--
- Shut up, Suz!
It's the cat.
It's that damn cat.
I'm gonna ring its neck.
- No, Dad, no, not the cat!
- [Billy] It was on his
head all night, wasn't it?
Let go!
The thing might have rabies!
- Connie, do I have
any hair at all?
- [Billy] Puss,
puss, puss, puss!
- Not much.
- Oh.
- Tell you the truth,
none actually.
Here, take a look.
- I'm bald.
I really am bald.
[dramatic piano music]
- Am I gonna get
blamed for this too?
- Dad.
- Mike, Mike,
feel my chin.
Smooth as your scalp, right?
But what's it gonna be
like tomorrow morning?
Come on.
- Rough and stubbly.
- That's right.
And what's your head gonna
be like tomorrow morning?
- Rough and stubbly too?
- You're darn right it is.
Rough as sand paper.
And if it's not, we're off
to Dr. Einstein Epstein,
quick as a wink.
All right?
- Wanna see my pet aunt?
- He's dead.
- [Connie] How could he be dead?
I just fed him.
- [Announcer]
Dr. Kaufman, Dr. Kaufman.
Wanted in the operating
theater immediately.
- [Michael] I had hair
the last time you saw me.
Don't you remember?
- Great balls of fire!
There's not a whisker left.
- The cat slept on
his head last night.
We think he caught
something from it.
- Cats give rashes,
cats give fleas.
Cats can transmit all
sorts of disease.
- So could it be the cat?
- He is no cat.
He had a fright, you say?
- [Billy] That's right, he did.
- It's that fright, for sure.
The proper medical term
is Hair'em Scare'em.
- [Michael] "Hair'em" what?
- Scare'em.
Here, let me show
you what I mean.
Now, imagine that these
fingers are you hairs
or this desk your scalp.
Okay, now,
on the head, solid as a rock.
Now, Michael, give
me a good fright.
Come on, bimbo, a really doozer.
- Oh, boo.
- "Oh, boo" to you too.
Come on, put some noodles in it.
- Faker!
- Boy, oh boy.
I really felt that.
Where you watching
what happened?
The fingers?
One moment, they're all
there hanging on to the desk,
along came a fright and
bam, they all go away.
The same as your hairs.
One minute they're there,
the next minute, all gone.
- What a loony.
- [Suzie] So his hair
will grow again?
- Sure, sure.
Now just give it a chance, huh?
Don't scare the pants off him.
You must keep him happy, huh?
No stress.
- [Michael Voiceover] Dad
thought my head was pretty
Yeah, he wanted to do a series
called "Bald Is Beautiful."
I said, "Forget it!"
- Sit down.
What's wrong with
your friend, Michael?
He's away from school, no?
- I don't know, sir.
- He's not very well, is he?
- I don't know, sir.
- He has a problem, you know.
- No, sir, please, can I go?
- So, you don't know
that there is something
very funny about this problem?
- No, sir, what problem, sir?
[school bell ringing]
[eerie chiming music]
[heavy breathing]
- What?
What's going on?
Oh God, Mike, what're you doing?
It's 3AM.
- [Michael] Dad.
- What?
- I had a dream, Dad.
I was climbing up to the fray.
But again, Dad, I
couldn't see it.
I gotta see it, Dad.
- Look, don't worry
about it, Mikey.
Nature's wonderful,
it'll come back when
it wants to by itself.
- I wish Mom were back.
- Mike, she's gone to
sell Grandpa's house.
- Can I ring her at least?
- Mike.
Now what good is that gonna do?
It's only gonna upset
her, isn't it?
Come on, come on, just
snuggle down in here.
- Signor, I must have a
serious talk with you.
I've had a call from
little William's mother.
He's been having nightmares
every night this week.
- Oh, Jim, naughty Jim.
Very sorry.
He loves it.
What that doing with me?
- Little William says you
give him wolves for his walls.
- Oh, little nightmares
but he daydreams in class.
Miss Prume.
Dear Miss Prume,
you don't know the
terrible battle I fight
everyday against imagination.
Their heads are in the clouds.
I tell them to draw dogs
and they draw fires.
[dog whimpering]
- Signor, I've had
my doubts about you
and I've been checking.
- What checking?
- I found out that you've been
thrown out of two schools,
that you faked famous paintings
and that you've changed your
name and appearance four times.
And you claim to be
Rembrandt's great, great,
great, great grandson.
- I am a great teacher.
I am a great artist.
I am a great, great,
great, great grandson!
[yelling in foreign language]
You are sausages here!
Ignorant sausages!
- I think you mean "savages."
- I don't care, I go!
Hate you savages!
Hurry, Jim.
[drum banging]
[pleasant classical piano music]
[loud drum banging]
[pleasant classical piano music]
[loud drum banging]
- Hi Mike, guess what.
The Signor's been sacked.
- Go away, Connie!
I do not want any visitors!
[banging drums]
- [Suzie] Michael!
- [Michael] And
what do you want?
- He's only trying to be nice.
- I look disgusting!
You hear?!
[banging drums]
[cymbals crashing]
- Okay, just quick,
slip it on, slip it on.
- No, I don't want a wig!
- Come on, Mike, it's
for your own good!
Quick, slip it on.
Mike, listen to me, listen
to me for just a minute.
- No, it's fake!
- It's for your own good we're
doing this, you silly kid.
Do you wanna stay in the house
for the rest of your life?
Hold still for one minute
and let her slip it on.
Just for a second.
If you don't like it, we'll
take it right off again.
It's hair.
Open your eyes, look in
the mirror, it looks great.
Take a look.
All right.
- But it comes off.
- Listen,
just a little dab of this.
- A dibble-dab of
glue will do you.
- [Suzie] Magic glue.
- Dear.
- [Suzie] And.
- And.
Okay, show him,
look in the mirror.
Looks great.
All right.
- You're right, it's solid.
- Sure it is.
Solid as a rock.
- Wow, it stays on!
I'm so happy!
- [Suzie] And it's
guaranteed for 30 days.
[piano glissando]
Not to come off your head.
[upbeat music]
- [Boy] Come on,
Mike, way to go!
All right!
- Yeah, all right, woo!
You see the guy back there?
- [Michael] Blonde guy?
- You better watch out for him.
He's mean and dangerous.
[whistle blowing]
[upbeat music]
- [Boy] Let's go!
Go, Mike, go!
Come on!
Come on!
[whistle blowing]
[whistle blowing]
You foul!
You foul!
- You tripped me!
- [Boy] Come on,
Mike, swing at him!
Swing at him, come on,
get up and swing at him!
[ominous music]
[dramatic music]
[boys chanting]
Hey, look at baldy
without his stupid wig
Better get another one,
better make it stick
Run away, baldy,
run away quick
Run home to mommy,
hard boiled egg
Hey, look at baldy
without his stupid wig
- [Michael] That stupid wig!
- Michael,
I brought you some food.
- [Michael] Magic glue, eh?
- It's something you like.
- Ha, never comes off!
Hi, I'd like to know what
time it is in Australia.
I wanna make a call.
[eerie music]
Nevermind, it's okay.
[eerie music]
[man spitting]
- [Whino] Hi there, young baldy.
- Hi.
- Don't you remember me?
Excuse me.
You helped me once.
The last person who ever did.
And this is Mary.
[humming tune]
We got sizzled up the very
next night in that fire.
We felt so guilty about you.
Didn't we, Mary?
- But you can't just come
into our house, can you?
- Oh, we can because
we're ghosts.
Ghosts can go anywhere.
[Mary laughing]
- Don't do that, you'll wake
my dad and he'll throw you out.
- Ah, they won't hear nothing.
Ghosts make no noise.
You only hear it
because you see it.
Shut your eyes a second.
- You're right.
I didn't hear anything
except for the last one.
- You see?
Wonderful, isn't it?
Anyway, sit you down.
Mary's got something for you.
[humming tune]
- How'd you get to be,
you know, a rubby-dub?
- I had gotten the bottle.
- [Mary] Where did
I put that thing?
- Were you a kid once, like me?
- Oh yeah.
Lots of brothers but
the bottle got me.
I'm the black sheep.
- Here it is.
Here's old Charlie's recipe.
Let's see now.
No you don't.
This here's my last treasure.
You can learn it but
you can't have it.
All right, here we go.
"One really ripe banana."
Come on, say it.
"One really ripe banana."
- [Michael] "One
really ripe banana."
- "Put it on my head."
You have to say "put it on
my head" after each thing!
You ain't very bright, are you?
- "One really ripe banana,
put it on my head."
- Good.
"Five dead flies."
- "Five dead flies,
put it on my head."
- No, no, no, no.
Put "them" on my head.
Don't you learn no
grammar in school?
- "Five dead flies,
put 'them' on my head."
- Good.
- Come on, Mary.
- "One rotten egg."
- [Michael] "One rotten
egg, put it on my head."
- "Three liquorish leaves."
- [Michael] "Three liquorish
leaves, put them on my head."
- Hurry it up, Mary.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"A fist-full of kitty litter."
- "A fist-full of kitty litter."
- "Three connie crisps."
- "Three connie crisps."
- "Three crosby crackers."
- "Three crosby crackers."
- "Nine spoons of soil."
- "Nine spoons of soil."
- And "a glass of pepper spizz."
- [Michael] What's pepper spizz?
- Oh, it's mouth water.
The biggest mouth
water in the world.
- Put it all on my head.
- [Whino] We gotta go, Mary.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, last thing is a spoon
full of peanut butter
and that's very important
because it makes it
all stick together.
But don't use too much
of it or watch out.
- [Michael] What'll happen?
- Well, it ain't for me to say.
You just watch out, huh?
And watch your hands.
Don't get it on your hands.
It's libel to grow
hair on your hands
if you get it on them.
- My hands?
- On your nose.
- My nose?
- Sure.
- I hope it works, baldy.
[somber chiming music]
- [Suzie] Dad, he's
digging up earth.
You don't think he's
gonna eat it, do you?
- [Billy] Beats me, Suz.
I've heard pregnant women get
a craving for earth sometimes.
- [Suzie] He couldn't
be pregnant, could he?
- [Billy] Unlikely, I'd say.
- And last but not least,
a glass of pepper spizz.
[blender buzzing]
- Got you!
Throw it down the toilet, quick!
- Don't!
- Mike, I'm sorry.
We couldn't let you drink that.
That stuff could kill you.
- I wasn't gonna drink it!
- No?
[toilet flushing]
- [Boy] No, you go get it!
I'm not moving.
[Suzie laughing]
- Right there, right there.
- [Boy] Aw, right
into the garden.
[pleasant chiming music]
- [Mary] Ah, the boy
who forgot my recipe.
- Please tell it to me again.
It really wasn't my fault.
- That's life, sweetheart.
You don't get no second chance.
- Don't be so hard on him, Mary.
I've seen lots of people
give you second chances.
- So what?
Sometimes I'm nice but
sometimes I'm mean.
I never know myself
which it's gonna be.
Looks like tonight
it's mean, ain't it?
- Well, if you won't be good,
I'll have to make you, Mary.
Here, kid.
Best of luck.
- Nutmeg.
Three corsby crackers.
Okay, let's start
with the flies.
Five dead flies.
[jazzy music]
- [Billy] Dibble-dabble
will do it.
Nearly done.
- [Michael Voiceover]
Oh, what a smell.
[jazzy music]
I'm gonna put this
stuff on my head?
I must be crazy.
Oh no.
I'll have hair on my face.
On my hands.
I've gotta make it less runny.
I just gotta put more
peanut butter in.
That's the only solution.
Two, three, four, five
spoons of peanut butter.
That's enough.
[pleasant piano music]
Hey, it works.
This has to be right.
I'm a better painter than Dad.
[birds chirping]
- [Suzie] Coffee's ready, Dad.
Is that me?
I look like I'm
trying to swat flies.
I'm sorry, Dad, but nobody
holds a racquet like that.
- If I wanted real, I
would've taken a bloody photo.
Well, I was gonna give it
to you for your birthday
but maybe you don't like it.
- Dad.
- That's Mom and that's Michael.
The brat.
[shower trickling]
- Nothing.
Not even a hair.
I'm sorry I was so mad
at you last night.
- Oh, you scared me.
What's that on your head?
- I don't have anything on my
head, I just took a shower.
- Wait a minute, look.
You've got something
on your head.
- But I washed it off.
- Where is that darn thing?
[pleasant music]
You've got little baby bristles.
- [Michael] You
sure it's not guck?
- No, it's hair!
It's hair!
- [Billy] Okay, what's
the matter now?
- [Suzie] Dad, so
glad you're here!
Michael's got hair!
- All right,
All right!
This is it, buddy!
The nightmare is over!
I told you so,
nature's wonderful.
Spring is sprung and
the leaves are budding
and the flowers are shooting
and your head got the message.
- So did your chin, Dad.
- All right, buddy.
Uh oh, hide the grapes,
he's the human flea.
Come on in, Connie.
[entry bell ringing]
- That's right,
Connie, I have hair!
- Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, my head's
tingling all over.
- Oh God, it's growing
a hundred miles an hour.
- I wanna see it
in the mirror too.
[pleasant music]
- Wow.
- Oh, wow!
Look at this!
- Okay, Mike, out with it
or it's the end of a
great friendship.
- What do you mean?
- The truth, come
on, what'd you do?
- Oh, look at that, I can
almost see it growing.
- Quit stalling.
Now how did you make it grow?
- This.
My secret recipe.
- Yeah, where'd you get it?
- It's a long story,
tell you later.
- Put that on your head?
Did it hurt?
- No but it's dangerous.
- Let me try it.
- Why?
You don't need it, you
got lots of hair.
- Sure, but...
- But what?
- Well, I wanna put
some down there.
- Are you crazy?
No, now get out of here
and let a guy do
what he's gotta do.
- You're crazy.
Absolutely crazy.
- [Suzie] Who's crazy?
- Connie.
- It's unbelievable.
- What?
- It's growing so fast.
- It's true, it's so long.
- Dad, could I call Mom?
- Sure.
- Thanks, Dad.
Dad, the country code
for Australia is
- [Billy] That's right.
- [Michael] Hi, girls.
- He's back.
Probably with another
one of his wigs.
- No, it isn't, look.
You can see his scalp.
- Yuck, he's got dandruff.
- [Connie] See?
If it was a wig, would
he have dandruff?
- I guess not.
[school bell ringing]
- Mom said you have to come
home right after school.
- Okay.
- [Man] Decimal point here and
25 and 56
of twice.
And we bring down the six
and we remember to
move the decimal point
and 25 into 56 goes two times.
[girls giggling]
Two times 25 is 50, quiet class.
And we bring down the six.
- [Girl] Stop it.
- Leave his hair alone, girls.
- Mr. Gingras, it's moving.
- [Connie] But it's alive, sir.
- It's not moving.
It's just too long.
- It was short
this morning, sir.
- Nonsense.
What kind of a dodo
do you take me for?
[students giggling]
Human hair grows only
half an inch a month.
No more.
- Not my hair, sir.
- He's gonna love this.
It's his favorite.
Taranto Noodle Soup.
- Mmmmmm.
- Oh hi, Connie.
Where is he?
- What timing.
- Now that's a head of hair.
Well done, son.
- I don't think
it's natural, Dad.
It grew six inches
on the way home.
- Well, it'll settle down.
Don't worry, it's
young, it's frisky.
Come on, to the table, everyone.
- [Michael] Oh, excuse me.
- Lady and gentlemen,
a toast to this new hair.
- To the new hair.
- To the new hair.
- Long may it grow.
- [Suzie] On my head too.
Don't worry, I'll clean it up.
- Can you cut my bangs?
- What?
- Can you cut my bangs, please?
- But it's so beautiful.
Don't you realize I'd do
anything for hair like this?
- Don't cut it.
You could make the world's
Guinness book of records.
- [Michael] Please?
- If you insist.
- The longest human
hair known on this world
grew up to be 28 feet on a guru.
- Conrad, I owe you an apology.
I have not been nice to you.
- [Connie] It's
okay, Mr. Baskin.
- Oh.
All right.
How was it at school
when he came back?
- They thought it
was another wig
but then I showed
them his dandruff.
[Billy chuckling]
- [Billy] Good lad.
- Now, class, I
want you to enter
these last two equations
in your exercise books
and do them along with me.
11 into 67 six times.
Six times 11, 66.
And we bring the one down.
And the six.
11 into 16, one.
Okay, you two, this is a
classroom, not a barber shop.
And 11 into 16, we've
done that now...
11, right, and five and
we bring down the other.
Down to Miss Prume, both of you.
- Sir, for two weeks
now I've been bald.
We did everything to
get my hair back.
Nothing worked.
At last I tried this
extremely dangerous mixture.
It worked but now
my hair won't stop.
My only chance is for this
guy to keep on cutting.
Please let me stay.
I want to be educated.
[applauding and cheering]
- [Gingras] Quiet.
- Not just hairy.
- Quiet!
And move it!
- I'm sorry, boys, the
snipping is too distracting.
I've had three teachers
tell me today they'll resign
if you go back in their classes.
So finish your class and
then you better go home.
And you, Connie, I think
you've got a problem too.
- Holy shmolly.
[sinister laughing]
[silly music]
It's itchy.
It's unbearable.
I said, stop.
Stop growing right now.
[somber chiming music]
[dogs barking]
[eerie music]
- Oh, please, stop.
Please, please, let me alone.
[ominous music]
- Look at him!
[dogs barking]
[menacing music]
[wind howling]
- Yuck.
- Where you going?
- [Michael] To school.
- You can't go to school, Mike.
They've phoned they
don't want you there.
Come back!
- [Michael] No!
- [Suzie] Your hair is
trailing on the ground!
- They don't want
you there, Mike!
- I don't care!
[dramatic music]
[wind howling]
[ominous music]
[Signor speaking
foreign language]
[eerie music]
- [Billy] Oh God!
[ominous music]
[sinister music]
Oh God.
[eerie music]
- So, Connie, what're
we gonna do?
- How should I know?
I don't know
everything, you know.
- Well you should know.
You started it, going
to that old house.
So dumb.
- That's a lie.
He climbed into the
thing, not me.
Anyways, why don't your
father do something?
He's always telling
people what to do.
- Dad's no use.
He blames himself.
You know what he's done?
He ripped up a half
dozen paintings
and broken all of
his paint brushes.
- Really?
- Really.
I think he's gone mad.
- It's not his fault.
20 other kids are
missing from school.
- 20?
I thought only 10.
- No, 20, including Mai
Ling, my baby sister.
- Oh, that's terrible.
You know, if we could
only get Dad going.
Dad's real smart, you know.
He's a 100 times smarter
than those old cops.
- Anyways, how do we
get him into gear, how?
Just tell me how.
- Hey,
I've got an idea.
- Why don't you give
your dad one of these?
That'll cheer him up.
They're very new and
they're very special.
But they're really
expensive, I'm afraid.
20 bucks each.
- Wow.
- Well, you know, think
about it for awhile.
- How do we know he
won't break this one?
Then that's 20 bucks
down the drain.
- 20 dollars is a
small price to pay
if it'll make him normal again.
But this isn't his
kind of brush.
It's weird.
It's flimsy.
Connie, feel this hair.
- So?
- It's hair!
- Bristles, hairs,
what's the difference?
- I know this hair.
I cut this hair.
- Are you certain?
- We're holding a bit
of Michael in our hands.
- Excuse me, sir, where
do these come from?
- I don't know.
Fellow in a big red
truck delivers them.
And I don't know his name.
- Do you know the
name of the company?
- Company doesn't have a name.
Look, if you wanna
buy the brush, fine.
Otherwise, let me get
on with my work.
- Please, please, it's a
matter of life and death.
- Okay, out, let's go.
- Hold your horses, mister.
We're buying the brush.
Give him the money, Suzie.
- Okay.
Two, five, seven, eight.
Nine, ten, twenty.
- [Man] Thank you.
- Exactly enough.
- Oh, wait, let me see.
When I asked for his name,
he says, "I don't have a name."
So I says, "What do I call you?"
He says, "Call me Signor."
- [Both] The Signor!
- When I says, "When can
I expect deliveries?"
He says, "On Saturdays."
- [Both] Tomorrow is Saturday.
- Indeed it is.
All day long.
- [Connie] Let's go, Suz!
- Thank you.
[somber piano music]
Connie, it's the red truck.
Wake up!
It's the red truck!
It's there.
It's here, come on!
It's what we're waiting for!
Come on!
Connie, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Don't drop the sugar.
Get in!
Good luck!
- Hello, little girl, you
want to come for a ride?
- No thank you, I
prefer my bike.
- Ah.
["Listen to the Magic
Man" by Cline Dion]
[car honking]
Listen to the magic man
And abracadabra
Your life's in Cinerama
Listen to the magic man
A bing bang, a ding dang
And oops your mind
goes clang, clang
Roll on
Round and round
On and on
Up and down
You are in wonderland
Listen to the magic man
[upbeat music]
The wonders, the colors
The others
You're leaving them
behind, bye, bye
Oh, my magic man
Splish, splash, fly
You're making me run on
[whinos cheering]
Round and round
On and on
Up and down
On and on
- Oh no!
I don't believe it.
You swept up all my sugar.
What am I gonna do now?
- Stay Jim, sit.
Ah ha!
A spy from Miss Prume, huh?
- No, an inspector from
the kidnapping division!
- Yeah, a kidnapping division.
Come with me, come!
[ominous music]
Come, Jim!
[mumbling in foreign language]
[children shouting]
Or I'll put you in the net.
So, Inspector.
Come and inspect.
The first and only magic brush
and hair factory in the world!
- [Connie] Holy shmolly.
- So, Inspector, you will never
come again in my class, huh?
now you are in the class,
which I never dismiss.
- Oh yeah?
I'm gonna escape and I'm
gonna free all your prisoners.
- But why?
They love me.
Don't you, children?
- [Kids] Yes, Signor.
- You see?
You have come for
nothing, Inspector.
But know what I am saying.
You can make brushes.
Sit down, Connie, sit down.
Jeremy, show him what to do.
I go to make deliveries.
- Mai Ling!
- Have you really
come to rescue us?
- Of course.
- Meanwhile, you better
start making brushes.
- We have to make 500
a day or we won't eat.
- How do I do it?
- Look, take this piece
and stick it in the
handle like this.
- Like this?
- [Michael] Signor!
- Wow.
- [Michael] Signor!
- Does all this
come from Michael?
- [Girl] Yeah, the Signor has
him on a special yogurt diet.
- [Michael] Signor!
- [Connie] How'd he get you all?
- [Boy] Through lies.
- [Girl] Through hypnosis.
- [Boy] Through ice creams
that put you asleep.
- He's listening.
There's microphones.
There's one way to
escape but it's no good.
[ominous piano music]
- Wow.
[birds chirping]
- Yeah, he makes them with
his own magic paintbrushes.
[birds chirping]
- [Connie] Jim!
- [Mia Ling] He always does Jim.
[water trickling]
- You know these paintings?
They're so real, you can
just walk right into them.
- [Connie] So why not escape?
- [Boy] It wouldn't work
because Jeremy tried it once
but he had to come back.
- Why?
- 'Cause they're all
imaginary places, you know?
He never painted a
real place, you know,
something like a town or a road
or a street or
anything like that.
- [Connie] Hmmm.
The Signor is a tougher
cookie than I thought.
- [Both] The Rabbit's
your brother?
- The Rabbit?
That's cute.
Yes, he's my brother.
The other one, he's in art too.
Sergio we used to call
him when we were kids.
A loony.
A loony, Sergio.
Now he's got no name
at all, imagine that.
No name.
Just "The Signor."
- [Both] The Signor?
- Yeah.
He's no rabbit.
A fox, maybe.
The Signor is the one
who has kidnapped Michael
and probably 20 other kids.
- Your other
brother, the Rabbit,
he must know where he is.
- Maybe he does
but Arthur is not
going to help you
if Sergio don't want it.
They're very close.
They're twins.
- You wanna bet he won't help?
- [Suzie] You said
they're twins?
They don't look at
all like each other.
- [Epstein] Well of course
they're not identical twins.
- He better be here.
- Billy,
Abe and Suzie.
How nice to see you.
What a surprise.
My goodness, to
what do I owe this?
- Okay, Arthur,
where's your brother?
- Well, he's right beside you.
- Not that one, the other one.
- Ah, the other one,
he died I think.
- Not that one, the
other one, damn it.
- He means Sergio, the Signor.
- Oh, the Signor.
I have no idea.
- Cut the crap, you're
buying paintings from him!
- Paintings down with
my brother's hair!
- Believe me, I don't know!
- Spill it, you sniveling rat!
- You have to spit it out.
There are 20 kids missing.
- But he won't give me
any more if his pictures.
He's here
- Fridays.
- It's only Tuesday.
[ominous music]
- Where you going, Connie?
- I'm gonna see Michael.
- You can't.
That floor is full of tripwires.
They're invisible.
You can't go, you touch
one, he's gonna wake up.
- Then I won't.
- I already told you,
they're invisible.
- Look, I came here to
save Michael, okay?
- [Boy] Okay, take my invention.
It's invisible string detector.
- What's he doing out of bed?
[ominous music]
[Connie whimpering]
- [Connie] Holy shmolly.
- Signor, is that you?
- No.
It's me, Connie.
I've come to get
you out of here.
- Is it really you?
You're a wonderful friend.
But what's the use?
- Don't talk like that.
- I mean, all this hair.
And this hair has some use.
The Signor tells me they're
making wonderful pictures.
- Yeah, disgustingly beautiful.
Your dad would puke.
[sinister music]
- Oh ha!
Good evening, Inspector.
Working late?
- Hold on, Michael,
I'll be back.
[exciting beat music]
[children shouting]
- Wait, I'm coming to help you!
Throw it, Conrad, throw it!
- Mia Ling, stay back!
- Leave my brother
alone, you monster!
Let me go!
Let me go!
[Signor laughing]
- Okay, Signor.
You win.
For the moment.
- Round and round
goes the Inspector.
Inspecting the ceiling,
inspecting the walls,
inspecting the floors.
- Oh, let me down.
I'm gonna throw up.
Please let me down.
[ominous music]
Please, Father.
- I am not your father.
I will let you down.
No son.
- [Connie] But I want
you for my father.
- This is some
little trick, huh?
- My real father died
in a plane crash
and I want you for my father.
You're such a wonderful artist.
What a wonderful teacher.
- That is true now,
that is true now.
- What a fantastical liar.
- I am rid of this.
[speaking foreign language]
- Is your father really dead?
- Please let me be
your son, please.
- I will consider it.
I never had children.
Only dog.
Now back to work.
Artists everywhere are
waiting for our brushes.
My son.
I have been asked to demonstrate
the art of magical painting
which is to do something
that I've never seen
and with no photograph.
My son will give me a subject
and in one minute or less,
it will appear on
the biggest canvas.
I am ready, my son.
- Could you possibly do
Michael's Fright, Dad?
- Michael's Fright.
What is that?
- The thing that made
his hair fall off
in the burnt out building.
The Fright.
- Burnt out building?
A burnt out building,
that's all?
That's so easy.
[somber music]
Wait a minute.
And how about that, huh?
[pleasant music]
- Wow.
[children giggling]
[singing tune]
- Is wonderful, no?
For you, my boy, just for you.
- I'm sorry, Dad, but
that's not the Fright.
That's just where it took place.
- But brushes don't
know the Fright.
They don't see the Fright.
- But the painting
is so real, Dad.
We can get into it.
Let's go up to the
window and see.
Here, I'll go first.
- No, no, no.
Get back, my son.
It could be dangerous.
No, no, stay back.
It could be dangerous.
Stand back, children.
I will go first, okay?
[somber piano music]
[children giggling]
You see, my boy, it's easy.
- Great, Dad.
- He's pretty brave.
- [Connie] You're not
only a great painter, Dad,
you're a great climber!
[ominous music]
- I am almost there.
- [Connie] Look inside.
[Signor yelling]
[children screaming]
[ominous music]
- What happened to him?
- He's seen the Fright.
- But is he still going
to be your father?
- No, he was never
my father, okay?
It was just a trick to
get him to see the Fright.
- But he was nice after
he became your father.
- What's the matter
with you all?
What about the things
he's done to you?
Have you forgotten already?
[suspenseful music]
- Can you believe it?
After a week of searching,
I actually found my sugar.
[ominous music]
This must be it!
Dad! Dad!
- [Michael] Get me out of here!
- Okay, okay, hold your horses.
- The hair stopped growing.
- Of course.
The Fright just passed
to somebody else.
- Who?
- It could happen
to a nicer guy.
- Watch out!
So it was him who
got the Fright?
- [Connie] Yeah.
Bring him into the toilet.
Careful, that's my father.
Don't get his pants dirty.
That's his only pair.
- I'm gonna go see what it was.
- Are you crazy?
- No, okay, I wanna look inside.
It's all right.
- Do you want this to
start all over again?
- It won't, believe me.
[dramatic music]
- [Connie] Michael,
you're just a showoff!
[ominous music]
[eerie music]
[eerie music]
- What?
- Five dead flies!
Wrong, dummy.
50 dead flies.
[maniacal laughing]
- Michael!
What's happening in there?
- Wrong again.
500 dead flies.
Don't you learn no
flies in school?
- [Michael] But I know you.
How could I've been
scared of you?
Anyway, you don't frighten
me anymore, that's for sure.
- Hi there, young hairy.
- And you,
are you gonna try
to scare me too?
Anyway, it doesn't work anymore.
I suggest you keep it for
people like the Signor.
- You're a brave boy!
You'll go far.
- It's all right.
Look out behind you!
[menacing music]
- He's coming!
[suspenseful beat music]
- [Jeremy] Don't stop!
Run or he'll get us all!
[Signor laughing]
[suspenseful beat music]
- Let me go, egghead!
Let me go!
Come on, let me go!
[Signor speaking in
foreign language]
- [Michael] Here, watch out,
I'm gonna try to break it open.
- [Mia Ling] This
should fix him.
[Signor laughing]
- [Children] Help!
- Sit there!
- [Mia Ling] The keys, boys!
- Mia!
You're extreme genius.
[suspenseful beat music]
- [Michael] Oh, hurry up!
- [Mia] Hurry!
[Signor groaning]
[suspenseful beat music]
- [Michael] He's coming!
- [Signor] Stop!
I said, stop!
[Signor yelling]
- Darn, it's locked!
I already tried it, it's locked!
- He's coming.
- That was a trick.
The real trick!
You can't do that to me!
You are my sons.
You can't do that to me!
You can't!
Connie, Michael.
- Freeze, Signor, our
you're dead meat!
You too!
- Serigo!
- [Billy] He's in here!
- How could you?
- Yes, how could you?
All the trouble you caused.
- Oh, please, please.
My dog, can I have my dog?
[dog whimpering]
- [Michael] Dad!
- Mike!
All right.
You okay?
- Hi.
- Come, I'll show you
where the others kids are.
- Sure.
[pleasant music]
- I missed you, Dad.
- Well, I missed you too, buddy.
And so did your sister,
though she won't say it.
Come on.
- [Michael] Hey, do you know
what I really discovered
in that old spooky house?
Was that the biggest
part of the Fright
was in your imagination.
[pleasant music]
- [Billy] All right!
Home again, home
again, jiggety-jig.
Everybody out!
- Oh wow, look at the garden.
- The flowers are taller.
- Great to have you back, Mike!
Okay, everybody inside.
There's a surprise
in the fridge!
[horn honking]
[pleasant music]
- Mom!
Take a child, the
world is so wide
- What happened to your hair?
Calm your fear
The rainbow's clear
Ending where you start
Calling to your heart
Everything you see
Everything you find
The darkest memories
All come clearer
When you open your eyes
["Michael's Song"
by Celine Dion]
Children are like
boats in the sea
Tossed and torn
They travel on
Ride the waves
Be strong and brave
Every stroke you row
Teaches you to grow
Everything you feel
Everything you find
The darkest memories
All come clearer
Like a star in the sky
Everything you see
Everything you find
The deepest mysteries
All come clearer
When you open your eyes
[pleasant music]
Run and catch the wind
Beyond it you will find
The world is cold
The world is cold
Everything you see
Everything you find
The darkest memories
All come clearer
When you open your eyes
Everything you see
Everything you find
The sweetest mysteries
All come clearer
Everyday of your life
To a child
The world is so wide
To a child
Storms are outside
[pleasant music]