The People I've Slept With (2012) Movie Script

Hi, tiny.
I think it's time I told you
How you came into this world.
And even though you're way too
Young to hear this, you should
Hear it from me instead of
Someone else.
Your mom was once
The girl next door.
But I love sex, and some
People thought it was
A bad thing.
People have called me a slut,
But I have learned that a slut
Is just a woman with
The morals of a man.
Good boy!
Aaah! Whoo-hoo!
Ha ha ha!
Who's your big mama?
You're my big mama.
Now it's your turn.
Um, what?
Come here.
Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Excuse me?
Spank me.
Most guys can't
Hang with me.
"Most" guys?
I wonder what the record is
For the most times anyone's ever
Had sex in one night?
I don't know, but... I think
It's safe to say we broke
The north American record.
Wouldn't garlic ice cream
Be perfect right now?
Mmm. I could go for
Some corn ice cream.
I think you can mix anything
With ice cream and it'd
Still be good.
What about kimchi?
That actually sounds yummy.
So tell me more about yourself.
What do you do?
Why don't we just lie here
And think about ice cream?
Don't move. I want to take
Your picture just like that.
I create one every time
I have sex with someone
To remind me where I've been.
Kind of like postcards.
Oh, you.
Hmm. Good morning.
I didn't, uh...
Know you were so into cooking.
I'm not. I'm an eater.
I like looking at the pictures.
It's my porn.
I like that.
But you know what?
I'd really like to see your art.
He's my supermodel.
I can't quite seem to
Get him right, though.
I've been working on him
For a year.
You didn't think I'd know?
You never struck me
As a foodie.
Hello, Gabriel, are you there?
Hello, Angela.
Oh, thank God. I need you
To go to the store right now
And buy me three
Home pregnancy tests.
Okay, but...
What are they gonna think
If they see me buying
A home pregnancy test?
Oh, my God, you're gay...
No one's gonna think anything!
Okay, okay, okay.
Just one last thing
I need from you,
One last favor.
Please? Please!
Okay, I'll be there
In half a minute.
Okay, wait. Maybe ten.
He's a hottie.
Mister hottie.
Yeah. So, the cute checker
Finally gave me his
Phone number.
It's ironic he only talked to me
After he thought I was straight.
Didn't he think it was a bad
Sign you were buying three
Home pregnancy tests?
I told him they were
For my mom.
She's a regular at the store.
So, I would not stress.
I'm not stressed.
I know for a fact that
You are not pregnant.
Thank God, but how
Would you know that?
Well, your horoscope didn't
Say anything about surprises
This morning.
Check again.
How accurate can
Those things be?
Ninety-nine point eight
Percent of the time.
Have you ever heard
Of the pill?
It makes me feel bloated.
Oh. And this is so much
You're the one that told me
To relax and have fun.
I never told you to have
Unprotected sex.
Do you have any idea
Who the daddy could be?
Could be anyone.
How many people could you
Have slept with in the last
Two months?
Where are your cards?
All right. Pick out the people
You slept with in the last
Two months.
Damn, girl!
All right. Pick out the people
You didn't use protection with.
All right, well, that's better.
5-second guy...
Mystery man...
Oh, and Mr. hottie.
Angela, open this door!
We were supposed to meet
For dinner last night.
I don't even want to know
What you were doing instead.
So what were you doing?
Where were you?
I thought you said
You don't want to know.
Congratulate me!
I think I'm pregnant.
Who's the father?
Angela, how can you not know
Who the father is?
I... Know who the father is.
Kind of.
Well, what are those?
They're like...
Baseball cards.
But so much better.
Angela, I'm really
Disappointed in you.
All right...
Do you want my sisterly advice?
Maybe this is God's way of
Saying settle down, grow up,
And be truly happy for once
In your life.
You must be joking!
Look, I will go to
The clinic with you.
My irresponsible single mom
Really fucked me up.
Abortion is murder.
Angela cannot take care
Of this baby on her own.
Would you stay out of
Our family business?
He's right. I can't take
Care of myself, let alone
Another person.
You are not that young
And even if you found the right
Guy, it is going to be harder
And harder for you to
Have a baby.
You'd be surprised how hard it
Was for me to have the twins
Because I waited too long.
You're pregnant.
How long?
Seven weeks.
I mean, how much longer
Do I have?
Well, it usually takes
About 40 weeks, but the baby
Will let you know when
It's ready.
What if I'm not ready?
Is there some way to
Slow it down?
Would you like to see it?
It looks like a peanut.
Maybe we can get married.
Ha ha ha!
We can raise the kid
I'd rather die.
It's not you, it's just the idea
Of being with you...
Anyway, I thought we decided
You were gonna get it
Taken care of.
I was just thinking
Out loud.
What are you doing?
Lawrence from the
Convenience store?
I've seen him every day
This week.
He's young.
I know.
Does he know what kind
Of guy you are?
What is that supposed
To mean?
Does he know about
All your issues?
Oh, now I have issues?
Yeah, I told him.
And you're still gonna
Go to Las Vegas with him
And visit your grandparents?
He's young and Canadian.
He's gonna get the wrong idea.
Jesus, you already
Sold him to me.
Shut up.
Hey, you.
So you're the one
That makes the cards.
Has Gabriel made one
For me yet?
Good. Why don't we
Keep it that way?
Oh, God, I think
I'm gonna be sick.
No, seriously.
Nine-inch remedy
I need a nine-inch remedy
I need a nine-inch remedy
I need a nine-inch remedy
Hi, Angela.
I didn't know you
Worked here.
I'm actually about to
Go on break.
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
I... I'm sorry.
I can't.
You can't even smoke anymore.
Candy cigs. You want one?
Do I want candy cigs?
No smoking, no drinking,
No coffee. Getting knocked up
Is the worst std ever.
That guy gave me some coke.
You want some?
What? It's not like
You're gonna keep it.
I'm too old for this.
You're not too old.
I found another white
Pubic hair this morning!
Is anyone home?
I never quite got
Along with your aunt.
I was the rebel, and she was
The good girl with the perfect
Husband and two kids straight
Out of the gap catalogue.
I wouldn't have admitted it
Then, but part of me wanted
That life.
So, how was your trip, dad?
It was amazing!
Everyone should try peyote
At least once.
It totally frees the mind.
And you know what
We found out? We have
The same animal spirit.
We have wolves watching over us.
I'm ready for dessert.
Well, I think she's
Handling it pretty good.
Could have been much worse.
Much worse.
At least you've turned out
Pretty well.
Thanks, dad.
Did you see how young she is?
I mean, she's younger than us.
It's like dad is dating one of
Our friends' younger sisters.
Good for dad. He deserves
To have a little fun after
Everything he's gone through,
Don't you think?
Or maybe not.
She seemed a little young.
Let's talk about... You.
How are you doing?
Have you started looking
For the father yet?
I'm tired. I don't want
To talk about me.
Angela, if you are not
Careful, this could be
Your future.
Who's your mama?!
Who's your mama?!
Who's your grandmama?
We need to talk.
Sometimes it takes an
Unexpected mistake...
I mean miracle...
To wake people up.
You're my miracle.
Do you understand what
I'm trying to say?
I should figure out
Who the father is.
You're serious about
Having this baby?
Is that crazy?
You want the truth?
Of course.
It's insane.
Oh! Oh, oh!
Oh! Oh!
You should sell it!
Yeah! People are paying
Like $40,000 to adopt babies
From China.
Don't say that. I don't want
The baby to hear anything
You're the one who said you
Didn't want to have kids.
Now that it's happening,
I'm gonna go with it.
So shut up and help me
Figure out who the father is.
I put my money on
5-second guy.
It's always the quick ones.
Come on, you're
Ruining my buzz.
You look familiar.
Have me ever met before?
You know, if I was as pretty
As you are...
I don't think I'd be here
All alone.
I know what you need.
Okay, close your eyes.
Close your eyes, all right?
Now... I'm gonna kiss you.
I'm gonna kiss you, though,
Like I'm going down on you.
Mmm... Mmm.
Oh... Mmm...
Well, come on.
Just... just let me...
Just let me put it in
And wiggle it around
A little bit, okay?
Okay. I... uh...
Unh! Unh!
Unh! Unnhh! Unhh!
Oh... Oh... Oh...
I can go again.
Say "cheese."
And you want to see him
Again because?
He could be the father.
Will you cover for me?
Um, have you seen this guy
Around here?
Oh, yeah.
Isn't this senor quickie?
Yep. I know him.
Mr. minute man.
Comes in here all the time.
Mr. oops.
Mr. premature ejaculator.
Look, if you're gonna
Shoot him, can we watch?
In fact, you can have him.
I'll give you his address.
He knock you up too?
I swear, my brother could
Impregnate by sight.
He had the strongest
Little swimmers.
Come on in.
He died a couple of days ago.
Suicide. Drug overdose.
No one knows for sure.
Oh, don't be sorry.
He was a jackal.
Are they all...
Mm-hmm. He was a regular
Johnny bastard seed.
How do they all know
That he's... The...
You don't know who
The father is, do you?
I know who the father is.
Marissa? Your phone.
Excuse me.
Okay, okay, okay.
I know it's extremely
But I had to know.
I don't know
What the big deal is.
It was just a bee-Jay.
I hope I'm just not
Some fuck-buddy to you.
No, that's...
That's not what I meant.
Then why don't you say
What you mean?
It's not a big deal.
You know, I really liked you.
But you're just some
Gay cliche.
No, look. I just...
Why is that you don't know
What you have until he yells
At you and swears he never
Wants to see you again?
There's a lot of fish
In the sea.
But he's the only one
I want to mount now.
You do realize you always
Liked him but were too afraid
To admit it yourself?
Why didn't you say
Anything to me?
I did.
I have an idea.
Let's get out of here.
You don't even know
Who the father is yet.
If I plan it,
The groom will come.
You're completely insane.
Can I plan my wedding too?
Why not? Let's do it.
How do I look?
Tell me the truth.
You look...
Better than me.
Ha ha ha ha!
I know.
And the tiara's
A nice touch.
I know, right?
It's cute.
Does he look
What about him?
Hello, baby.
Please tell me
It's not this guy.
Not familiar?
Honesty is the key
To all relationships.
But if you can fake it,
You're in.
Nobody dies a virgin.
Life screws us all.
So, what do I do
About Lawrence?
Men are like roses...
Watch out for the pricks.
Where are you getting
These one-liners from anyways?
The Internet?
How'd you know?
What?! You finally learned
How to use the Internet, dad?
Becky taught me.
You're like the dog carrying
The bone over the bridge.
As he was crossing the bridge,
He saw this reflection.
He thought it was another dog
With a bone.
So he reached for the other
Bone. He lost both bones.
You're the dog,
Lawrence is the bone.
Okay, so what do I do?
You jump in and fetch
The bone.
But what if the bone
Doesn't want to be found?
You keep looking.
A good bone is hard to find.
Ha ha ha ha!
You should put that
On a fortune cookie!
I want you
To know I've changed.
I'm gonna be a different
Person now, okay?
You need some serious help.
She can hear you.
Go away from the light!
All right, who's next?
Mystery man.
You know, the one
I keep hooking up with.
Mm-hmm. Hot.
Okay, hot or not?
Yeah, definitely.
But more importantly,
Gay or straight?
How do you know?
My straight-dar
Is tingling.
See? I told you.
And there it is.
All right, off you go, girl.
Shoot for happy days to make
For happy nights.
Oh! Okay.
Good one.
It's supposed to be a girl
And her dog at the park.
What does it look like to you?
I see courage.
Those lines are painted with
Such aggressive intention,
It makes me think the artist
Doesn't care what you think
About her.
You're on crack.
Honesty. Nice.
Honest Angela.
Crackhead Jefferson.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Do you want to come?
No. Do you?
Just pull out
Before you come.
I need your signature here.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, don't forget, we have
Dinner with the kengs
At six-thirty tonight.
Okay, great. Thanks.
Okay, so...
Hey, do you have a minute?
Yeah. What's up?
I was thinking...
Hold on.
No, of course I have a second.
What are you doing?
What are you doing tonight?
Well, I'm hanging out
With you.
Okay, then. I'll call you later.
The mayor cancelled.
His mom had a heart attack.
Why are you smiling?
Could you do me a favor?
We're closed.
I'm kidding.
Because flowers are so cliche.
I had them close for us tonight.
I know the owner.
He let me use the kitchen.
And I thought...
The real thing would
Inspire you.
Who are you?
What exactly do you do,
Mr. Lee?
He's running for
City council.
Why didn't you tell me
You were a politician?
I liked the fact
That you didn't know.
Thank you.
You really made all this
For me?
It was nothin'.
Don't be Asian.
How long you been drawing?
Oh, my life is boring.
Let's talk about you.
How does it feel to be
A big-time politician?
Well, I'm not a big-time
I'd vote for you.
Really? You don't even know
What I stand for.
Okay, Hitler: Bad or good?
See? I'd vote for you
Okay. Family values
Are important to me.
I'm pro-business...
Okay, maybe I wouldn't
Vote for you after all.
But my sister would.
Really? What's she
Doing right now?
She sounds like
The better sibling.
I'm just kidding.
Ha ha. You're funny.
That's a good thing. I didn't
Think conservatives had
A sense of humor.
Okay, where do you see
Yourself in five years?
What is this,
A job interview?
I'm just curious.
I see myself running for
The State Senate,
And I'd be married,
With two kids.
And we'd have a big house
With a big yard,
A dog and an s.U.V.
What about you? Where do you
See yourself in five years?
I like your answer.
Garlic ice cream,
Corn ice cream,
And kimchi ice cream.
How about, um, we just
Go back to my place?
What if I don't tell him
I'm pregnant right away?
Get him to fall in love with me
And convince him he's the
Baby's dad.
What if the baby doesn't
Look anything like him?
You're missing the point.
He likes me, and I like him.
Hey! If you two
Slowpokes keep talkin',
You'll never keep up with us!
Honey, he's gonna find out.
You have a better plan?
No. And what do I know?
Lawrence still hasn't called me.
You're pathetic.
Can I tell you something?
You promise you won't laugh?
You know I can't
Promise you that.
I'm, uh...
Thinking about re-virginizing.
And I want you to do it with me.
I found a group that'll
Help us start over.
We can wear white to
Our wedding.
And it'll mean something.
Virgins are happier,
Healthier, and more intelligent
Than those who engage in
Pre-marital sexual intercourse.
But more importantly, the
Fornicators will go to hell...
While the righteous virgins
Live eternally in heaven.
This is weird.
Who wants to go to hell?
Hell, no!
Uh, hell, no.
Please raise your right hand
And repeat after me.
I swear that I will no longer
I swear that
I will no longer engage...
In deviant bodily
Temptations of any kind...
In deviant bodily
Temptations of any kind...
Until I get married.
Until I get married.
That means even
Sinful self-pleasure.
Now, if everyone can stand
In line...
That's it?
Okay, so, we just have to get
Cleansed and sign the virginity
Pledge and not engage in any
Sex, and we get our purity back.
This is easier than
Getting a driver's license.
Do you think dad
Is losing his mind?
He seems happy.
How can you say that?
He's miserable!
That is exactly why
He's acting like you.
You know, it is time that
You both learn to settle down
And take a deep breath,
You know?
I'm already searching
For the father, and I really
Like one of them.
Marry him!
I'm working on it.
What's his name?
Jefferson Lee.
Like the guy running
For city council?
I see his signs everywhere.
Put your hand on the corner...
Okay. Move it forward...
You know, you really should
Show your art.
Who wants to look
At crayon food?
Trust yourself.
He thought I could sell them.
I know. What do you think
I've been saying this
Whole time?
You should get rid of
These pledges.
It's kind of creepy.
Oh, that reminds me.
I got you a gift.
Look, we can be twins.
So ungrateful.
The wedding planner!
Here you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
When do you two plan on
Getting married?
Uh, no. Ha ha!
Who's the lucky one, then?
You're both getting married?
To different people?
But they don't know it yet.
See, if we plan it,
They will come.
So, do you think we can
Get a 2-for-1 discount?
Well, the meeting went well.
She looked at us like
We were gonna kill her and put
Her head in the freezer.
Until we gave her
The cash deposit.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You're drunk!
Oh, maybe I should
Call Lawrence.
Unh-unh. Drunk dialing
Is so unattractive.
Come on. Go to bed.
That's disturbing.
Don't tell me you're
Stalking him now.
Everybody has a stalker
I don't have a stalker.
That's 'cause you are
The stalker.
I'm not stalking him.
When's the last time
You went out?
I just don't feel like it
You need to go out
And have some fun.
How am I supposed to
Have any fun?
No, no, no, don't, don't.
What is it about him?
He makes me want to be
A better guy.
Gabriel's a good guy.
He's a little slutty, but
Slutty's better than insane,
A dollar five.
At least he doesn't
Hear voices. I dated
A couple of guys who
Heard voices, one who
Even heard God.
It was good to see you.
Look, he's sorry.
Absolutely repentant.
Seventy-five cents.
For whatever it's worth,
I've never seen him this
Pathetic before.
A pack of cigarettes.
Four ninety.
He even became
A born-again virgin for you!
That's just... Weird.
People do the weirdest things
When they're in love.
I've known Gabriel forever.
I've never seen him
Like this before.
I'm gonna do it!
Don't try and stop me!
He hates my guts.
Maybe if you just apologize
To him he'll take you back.
What would I say?
How about that you're sorry
And that you're an asshole?
Yeah, that's good.
I need to write that down.
Hey, I thought you were gonna
Get mystery man to fall in love
With you and convince him
It's his kid.
I was joking.
Uh, no you weren't.
I need to figure out who the
Father is no matter what.
Oh, really? 'Cause I have
An idea. Why don't we just, um,
Eenie-meenie-minee-mo, catch
A baby daddy by the toe.
Here he is. Here's the daddy.
Can we talk about me now?
So my sister tells me
You sell boxes.
Yeah, i...
I'm just...
Relax. I don't bite.
Well, there was that one guy.
Never mind.
I'm just, uh...
I'm not used to dating
Beautiful girls like you.
You're nice.
Yeah, that's what girls say
When they don't like someone.
Which is fine, i...
Let's just bypass all the
Drama that comes with dating,
Okay? And just be friends?
Well, um, so long.
It was nice meeting you.
Uh, I thought we were
Just friends.
Haven't you heard of fwb?
Uh, no.
Friends with benefits.
Oh, my God! You're hung
Like a dinosaur!
Wow! Wow!
Ohh! Wow!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh no what?
Uh, I think the condom broke.
So, I asked you to come today
Because... I'm pregnant,
And you might be the father.
I'm gonna be a father!
Ha ha! I'm gonna be
A father!
I'm gonna be a father!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's not for sure though.
No, it's for sure.
How do you know
It's for sure?
Because you're the only one
I've been with.
Ha ha ha!
I'm gonna be a father!
I told you that already. Sorry.
I love you!
Sorry, i... I'm sorry.
I do, but I shouldn't have...
No, I should have.
I love you. I love you.
I do. I love you.
Taking a trip
To forget where I live
Off the Avenue
And I wanna go
Where the people...
I thought you were
In Sacramento.
Ah, you know,
I came back early.
Wanted to see you.
Hey. Let's get
Some ice cream.
Oh, my God! What are you,
Twelve? Ice cream?
Get a room! Ohh!
Smile. Stand up straight.
I, uh, I feel badly about
The way it ended.
Those are nice flowers.
They're for a nice guy.
Take them.
That's so romantic.
They'll make you feel better.
You know, you're right.
I feel much better now.
Oh, um...
I, uh,
I wanted to apologize,
And I wanted to tell you that
I'm an asshole...
And, uh, I won't drop
The bone again.
The bone? What are you
Talking about?
Is Angela out there?
Um... For moral support.
Look, can I come in?
Nod your head if someone
Else is in there.
Nod again if he's more
Fabulous than me.
Nod if he's way more
Fabulous than me.
We should get going.
It was good to see you
Again, Lawrence.
This way. Come on.
Why aren't you working on
Your invitation list?
There's no point.
Suit yourself.
Do you really believe
He's gonna marry you?
I do.
Does he know about
Your condition?
Not yet.
I hope you're planning on
Telling him soon.
I am.
I am.
You don't even know
Anything about this guy.
I googled him and
Nothing too bad came up.
You know he's a republican,
No one's perfect.
They hate gay people.
There are gay Republicans,
All right, what's his
Favorite color, then?
I've been in a relationship
For years and not known that.
You're just jealous.
I found my man. I know what
His favorite color is.
It's orange.
Do you know Fred's
Favorite color?
She's... Tiny.
It's a he.
Do you have a name
Picked out already?
She's kidding.
You're kidding.
The best thing about being
Pregnant is that it's an excuse
To buy a whole new wardrobe.
You don't have to do this.
This is already the happiest
Day of my life.
Listen to me.
Get married to Carlton.
Isn't that why you
Brought him along?
He's my newest stalker.
Well, look, it doesn't matter
If he's the father or not.
Desperate times call
For desperate measures.
Can I borrow a quarter?
What are you doing?
You really should have
Been a chef.
How'd you get in politics?
Ah, well, my father
Was a politician.
And his father before him.
And his father.
Was in politics?
Do you even like it?
You should quit.
I could see you on
Iron chef America.
It's not that easy.
Can I ask you some questions?
Only if it's not about
My choice of careers.
What's your favorite color?
Mine is red.
If you get to an intersection
And you don't know which way
To turn, do you go left
Or right?
Left. Is that
The right answer?
I would go left, too.
How many more questions
Do you have?
One more question.
What if I told you
I was pregnant?
Would you make an honest
Woman out of me?
I thought you'd be happy.
I am.
Is that a yes?
I'm already engaged.
Okay, look, Angela...
I can't believe he wouldn't
Tell me something like that.
Weren't you kind of keeping
Something important from him,
I'm just sayin'.
What am I gonna do now?
Fuck it. I'll marry you.
We can be virginal and married.
That oughta make us eligible
For sainthood.
What about your
Commitment issues?
We bicker all the time
Anyway. We're practically
Married already.
That is true.
I'm kinda cute.
You're very cute.
In fact, you're very hot.
It's gonna be all right.
Yep. We'll figure it out.
I hear you got dumped.
No more Internet advice.
I'm not in the mood.
Well, it wouldn't have
Worked out anyway.
What's that supposed
To mean?
I'm tired of seeing you get
Into these relationships and
Watching them all end
The same way.
And how long have you known him?
Almost four months.
You can't expect to
Know someone that soon.
You'll meet someone else.
Easy for you to say.
You're young.
What's the rush?
I'm ready to share my life
With somebody.
And someday you'll meet
Someone who'll make you...
I can't wait that long.
Because I'm pregnant.
Is he the father?
Can you help me?
You think I'm fat, huh?
I didn't say anything.
God, who's gonna want to
Marry a whale?
It's gonna be okay.
Get away from me!
I'm sorry.
Say something.
You look like
One of those cute whales...
From seaworld.
Let me get a look at you.
Oh, God.
What the hell is that?
Nice-but-boring guy.
He turned into stalker guy
Ever since I told him he could
Be tiny's dad.
Baby papa drama.
Don't change yet.
Trust me.
Is that for you?
Don't ask.
You look beautiful.
I invited him.
Thought he should see you
Before you're forced
To marry me.
This was a mistake.
If abba can get back together,
I'm sure you two can work out
Your differences.
Abba never got back together.
Look, I messed up...
And I'm sorry.
It's just...
I'm 30 years old and I've
Never done this before.
And I got scared.
Tell me something
I don't know.
You're the only one
I want to be with...
And I'm ready to make
A commitment to you.
No ring?
What is that?
Steak fat sandwich with Mayo,
Sirochi sauce, velveeta cheese
And pickles. Can't get enough
Of these.
That looks good.
So this is the last
Candidate, huh?
Hmm. Mr. hottie.
Can we just fuck?
I can't believe
You just faked that.
I came a little.
I've been on the other side
Of that face before.
What can I do to make you
Feel more... Satisfied?
Fuck me in the ass with this
While I masturbate?
And no, I-I'm not gay.
Do you want us
To go with you?
No. I got this.
Bye, mommy.
I've been thinking a lot
About you since that night.
By the way, what...
What happened to you?
You're fat.
I'm pregnant, retard.
Congratulations. You're one
Of the contenders.
I'm gonna need a sample
From you.
Fuck me with your fingers
While I jizz into it?
I wanna fight in the night
Fight, run a red light
Drink cyanide
Get fucked tonight
I wanna get high
Get a white line, drink wine
Smoke, nice time
I wanna get wasted
I'll do what I want
I'll do it better
Than you do...
You know I'll take care
Of the baby.
I wish things were
Different, too.
It's okay. I wouldn't have
Chosen me either.
Let's just pretend
We never met.
That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
Excuse me.
And I have a town
Meeting on Friday, but I think
It would be advantageous to meet
With the business owners first,
Get their points of interest,
And then meet with the mayor.
What do you think?
I can't marry you.
I'm in love with another woman.
I am so glad you said that.
You've always been like
A brother to me, and so sex
Is a little icky, but...
Who's gonna tell our parents?
I'll tell 'em.
I still haven't given up yet.
Are you talking to
Your stomach again?
So, um...
What if none of them
Are the father?
One of them has to be.
I meant to give you that
According to him, anyway.
Here's to the
Best fuckin' people I ever
Met in my life!
I love you,
You are my best friend.
What are you looking at?
You're looking at my
Best friend ever. I love you.
I... Remember that.
Do you remember what
Happened next?
God, I thought
It was a dream.
How was I?
Ha ha ha ha!
Let's just say I'm not
Gonna switch teams
Anytime soon.
Blood would have been fine.
How long is this gonna take?
Well, I don't advise you
Having a paternity test until
After the baby is born.
There's an increased risk of
Do you know what I had to go
Through to get these?
It's safer for the baby
This way.
Can't you just give me
A hint? A little one?
I'm so sorry.
I wish I had told you
I broke up with my fiancee.
Would you do me the honor
Of marrying me?
Marry me!
Angela, marry me!
Your ex?
Something like that.
I want to do the right thing!
Will you marry...
Oh, my God.
Did you really break up
With her?
I hope that's a yes.
That's a definite yes.
This is the ring my father
Gave my mother.
So what do you say?
No. No, you say no,
Angela, you say no...
"No, I will not marry you.
"I will not." You say no, okay?
I... I love you.
But first... Who's Nikki?
Nikki is...
She's practically
A sister to me.
We've both always known
It wasn't right.
Our parents practically
Set the whole thing up.
I've never loved her.
I love you.
That's good enough for me.
I have your ring, too.
Give me your hand.
I haven't had a chance
To re-size it yet.
It'll fit on your pinkie.
Spit it out.
My parents are
Really traditional.
They'd want us to get married
Before we had the baby.
No problem. Gabriel and I
Already planned the whole
Thing out.
How about next week?
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
Oh! I always knew
You could do it!
I'm gonna go tell Fred
The good news.
Are you in love with him?
What do you think?
You have no idea what
You're getting yourself into.
Everything's just starting to
Come together the way it's
Supposed to.
Look, all relationships
Are marathons, not a sprint.
I'm a sprinter.
All I'm asking is that
You slow it down...
For once.
Hello, tiny.
Hello, mommy
And future wife.
I told my parents
The good news.
They invited you and your family
Over for brunch.
Why don't you show our guests
Around the house, huh?
Angela, do you mind
Keeping us company?
Please watch your step.
So, uh, welcome to
Our humble abode.
Look, a jacuzzi!
You think we're making
A mistake, I know.
My parents think the same thing.
It really doesn't matter
What I think.
You know, I was almost your age
When I married Angela's mother.
I always wished that somebody
Had sat me down and talked to me
About the birds and the bees.
Mr. Yang, with all due
Respect, Angela and I already
Know about the birds
And the bees.
Let's just talk bees, then.
One bee.
A bee is devoted to a single
Queen its whole life.
Its very existence depends on
Keeping her alive.
I don't plan on pollinating
Any other flowers, sir.
What I'm really trying
To say is...
I want you...
To love my daughter.
Sir, I love Angela in
More ways than she knows.
Then welcome to the hive!
Thank you.
Jefferson never wanted to be
A policeman or fireman like
The other boys.
He always wanted to be a mayor...
Like his grandfather
Back in Taiwan.
And when he found out that
The president is higher than
The mayor, he wanted to be
Ha ha ha ha!
I think he'd make
A great chef.
Ha ha ha ha!
Jefferson can't cook! No!
Oh. Oh... oh, dear.
Oh, no, no, dear, dear.
Angela, she doesn't mean
Anything by this.
It's just that this all came
As a shock to us.
I think we will all feel better
If you took a paternity test.
That way there'd be no question
As to who the father is.
Yes dear, yes dear.
It's all right. It's okay.
This is gonna be
Your father, tiny.
Try your best to look
Like him, okay?
I can't go through
With this.
Oh, I know, I know.
I'm nervous too.
I can't believe we found people
Who would actually marry us.
Can I get you anything else?
It's your bachelor party.
Go. Have some fun.
Okay. All right, I'll check
On you in a bit.
Oh... oh!
What do you think it'll be
Like when you two grow old?
Will you still be in love?
Will you have sex?
Will you bicker?
We'll be wrinkled.
That's all I'm sure of.
And that doesn't bother you?
I'm pretty sure we'll be
Wrinkled together.
Knowing that, it's enough.
And hopefully by then Gabriel's
Too senile to fight and has his
Hands on a lot of Viagra.
You wanted to see me?
I'll be back.
I feel awful.
Oh, well,
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
You know, your mother and I
Lived our entire lives as
Strangers, only because we
Couldn't trust each other
Enough to tell the truth.
But you both seemed
So happy.
Well, she was...
She was good at pretending
That everything was okay.
But she was bitter and angry
When... When she realized
That her fantasy was not real.
Your sister is about ten years
Away from that realization.
Don't make the same mistakes
We did.
Be honest.
You owe it to Jefferson,
And you owe it to yourself.
It's time.
Where are you parents?
They couldn't make it.
Now, if the grooms will
Please begin their vows.
I want to marry you
I want to wake up in the morning
And see your face next to mine.
I knew you were the one before
I even met you.
Because I want to grow old
With you...
And sit on a porch swing...
And laugh about how foolish
I sound right now.
Well, what if when we grow
Old we don't to share a porch
Swing and laugh?
I don't know.
Maybe, then, we can cry
Instead of laugh...
About how it wasn't exactly
How we thought it would be.
And maybe after all those tears
It will be the way we wanted
It to be.
All I'm asking for is
Complete and total honesty,
No matter what.
You promise?
I do.
I, uh...
I'm not followin' that!
I promise everything they said.
You don't even know me.
How can you promise that?
What are you talking about?
There's a one-in-five chance
You could be the father.
I won't know until after
Tiny's born.
I'm not the father?
I don't know right now.
And I wouldn't blame you if you
Turned around and walked away.
I'm a slut.
How's that fit into
Your perfect life?
So maybe you're not perfect.
I know I'm not.
All I've ever really been good
At in my life is following
I've just always been scared...
Scared of disappointing people.
I choked under the pressure,
And... The only reason I even
Got into law school was because
My dad had to buy me in.
Don't you see?
We're both perfectly imperfect.
But I still can't marry you.
I thought I wanted what
You can offer me...
The perfect family with
The perfect life.
But I don't want that anymore.
I'm sorry.
I need some time by myself.
Those are valuable.
For what it's worth, I think
You're doing the right thing.
So, um, does this mean you're
Not looking for the sperm donor
We'll be okay.
But I wanted to ask you two
If you would be his fathers.
Can I name him?
Angela! Angela!
Oh, God.
Angela, I can hear you!
Open this door!
Are you... are you crazy?
What were you thinking?!
This is my life, not yours.
I'll do what I need to
To take care of tiny.
And as far as living your
Life... You can have it.
It's not me.
I like boys from Africa
South America and Asia
I like boys from...
So, what do you think?
These are really good.
Why didn't you show me
These earlier?
Oh, good. I was starting to
Wonder if we were gonna be able
To afford to raise this kid.
So seriously, how much?
Let's see what the buyers
Okay. 'Cause we just
Want him to eat.
Shut up! You're disinvited
From the birth.
Fine. You're doing it wrong.
Go wait in the car.
I think I'm having a baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
We know, we know.
No, right now.
Okay, we want to call
Dr. Richards.
We want to call your dad.
We're going! We're gonna go
Right now!
She's gonna have a baby!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God...
I thought I'd spare
You the icky details.
After fourteen hours of labor,
And an eternity of pushing...
You were born.
Before that point, I've never
Been sure of anything
In my life.
Now I'm sure of one thing...
No matter who the father is...
You're all mine.
It's nice to finally meet you
I love you.
Here are the results
Of the paternity test.
I knew it.
He looks just like me.
He looks nothing like you.
Come... Meet your new nephew
I'm just messing with you.
Oh. Right.
Hi, little mother.
Hello, grandson.
So, um...
Did you ever find out
Who the father was?
Is it me?
So who is it?
It doesn't matter anymore.
How'd you figure it out?
You don't want to know.
I'm sorry, Carlton.
He's not yours.
He seemed like
Such a nice guy.
Oh, he'll be fine.
He's got a huge...
I didn't know that
They came in that size.
Here, let me hold him.
Angela and I decided that
You shouldn't hold the baby
I didn't mean to drop him.
Great, baby.
Thank you, dad.
Thank you.
Oh! I love you!
Congratulations, Angela.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Glad you came.
Well, um... Congratulations.
I, um, well, I was surprised
You invited me.
I wanted to call you and i...
No, no. No.
Let's start over.
Jefferson Lee.
Former politician
Turned struggling cook.
Almost married twice...
In love once.
And you are?
Happy to see you.
And then we all
Lived happily ever after.
Or that's what everyone
Wants to hear.
Really, tiny, it doesn't matter
Who I end up with.
The most important thing is
That you do what you want,
No matter what other people
And I'll always support you
No matter what.
But you should do everything
I say, all the time, at least
Until you're eighteen
Or in college, and then you can
Do whatever you want.
God knows I did.
But that's another story.
I wanna fight in the night
Run a red light
Drink cyanide
Get fucked tonight
I wanna get high
Get a white line, drink wine
Smoke, nice time
Wanna get wasted
I'll do what I want
I'll do it better
Than you do
I'm just a crazy
Fucked-up bitch
I'm just a crazy
fucked-up bitch
I'm just a crazy
Fucked-up bitch
Does that make you nervous?
That I look helpless
Maybe I'm not
You're just caught in a line
In a violent song
I'll get what I want
I'll get it better
Than you do
I'm just a crazy
Fucked-up bitch
I'm just a crazy
Fucked-up bitch
I'm just a crazy
Tell me
Is love an urban legend
Or some test of
Continuing education
Buy your answers
From some guy named pinky
In a darkened alley
Halfway to noho
I am lookin' for
The perfect snowcone
Holding one end
Of a wishbone
Calling God on a cellphone
Carnival junkie
In love with a freak
Don't wanna be figured out
Don't analyze me
This not a head
And it's not a heart
Just a soul
Too funky for your mother
Passed out in the fountain
With some pennies
Of somebody else's
Fortunately for you
I bide my time pacifying
Everyone but me
What make me happy?
Leap year and Blackjack
I am needing more
Than food and water
A man to be his daughter
A reason I should bother
Carnival junkie
In love with a freak
Don't wanna be figured out
Don't analyze me
This is not a head
And it's not a heart
Just a soul
Too funky for your mother
I don't think so
There's a tiger in my bedroom
A fire in the front yard
Fat little egos on the TV
Nielson rating the moonbeams
You better leave
Before you beg
I see that tail
Between your legs
It's not my fault
I made you blush
It's all those carnivals
You have crushed
Needing more
Than food and water
A man to be his daughter
A reason I should bother
I am lookin' for
The perfect snowcone
Holding one end of a wishbone
Calling God on a cellphone
Oh yeah
Carnival junkie
In love with a freak
Don't wanna be figured out
Don't analyze me
This is not a head
And it's not a heart
Just a soul
It's just a soul, yeah
Carnival junkie
In love with a freak
Don't wanna be figured out
Don't analyze me
This is not a head
It's not heart...