The Perfect Pickup (2018) Movie Script

(solemn music)
I was just a wandering soul
Working through the highs and lows
I heard a spirit whisper slow
Drift into the great unknown
Will anybody see my ghost
But ooh
I can see the light
So let me off at the end of the night
'Cause all my friends are giving up
And I've had enough
I can feel the weight
of a thousand eyes on me
(keys clattering)
(voicemail beeping)
- [Voicemail] You have one message.
First message.
- [Corey] Broseph, it's me.
Just letting you know that
you're fucking depressing today,
and I just wanted to tell you
that you brought a real shit vibe to work
that I didn't appreciate.
Seriously though,
I'ma help you take your
mind off that Mandy bitch,
so I set us up on a double
date tomorrow night.
So leave that negative or crap at home.
It'll mess with my moj.
Oh, and dress up nice.
That leather jacket you wear
makes you look desperate
to be young again.
(voicemail beeping)
- [Voicemail] End of messages.
(lighthearted music)
- [Woman] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. (moaning)
(woman screaming)
- Relax, I got this.
(sultry music)
(intense music)
- [Narrator] Uh oh, looks
like a fight's a-brewin'.
What are you going to do?
- Hey!
Grab my Dick!
(dramatic music)
Dick Spray
(aerosol hissing)
- [Narrator] Good thinking, Bob.
That could have been a messy mess.
- Oh.
- That was a close one.
- [Woman] Thank goodness.
- (chuckles) Yes, thank goodness for Dick.
- [Narrator] New Dick Estrogen Spray.
When there's an ass, pull out your Dick.
- He's white.
- What?
- Randall.
He's the Sam Jackson Django.
How, 'cause I work for
the white man nigger.
- Dude, what the hell?
- Look at him, acting as if he owns me.
Nobody owns me.
- I completely understand
why you feel that way.
- Dude, just leave him alone, all right?
He's the reason you even have a job.
- That's my point exactly, thank you.
- Is this one of those
"I'm black so I need to
experience some sort of racism,
"but since I'm not,
"I'm just gonna create it
out of nothing" episodes?
- Maybe.
- Yeah, those are figure.
- So you're coming out tonight, right?
- Dude, this whole double
dating crap right now
is not the perfect ti--
- Adam, you're single, okay?
Nobody to care for, nobody to answer to.
And right now, no girl wants you.
You're single.
You see where I'm going with this?
You need to quit it with
this bullshit crybaby stuff
and focus on one thing and one thing only.
See you later, buddy.
- Idiot.
- [Corey] Uncle Tom.
- You wanna hear a secret?
I put a female pheromone on my neck.
That way, when I hug people,
they can just breathe me in
and completely immerse themselves
in the scent of lavender and palm oil.
I do this because no hug's a good hug
unless both people are completely relaxed.
When they're relaxed,
they can just hug and
sink into each other.
(silly music)
Do you wanna sink with me?
- No,
I don't.
(deeply inhaling)
(silly music)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, come in.
- Hey, bro.
We're running late, so let's get go...
Whoa, what the shit happened in here?
- What?
- And what is that smell?
- Whatever.
- Dude,
it smells like a homeless man
puked in a dead man's asshole.
And are you seriously wearing that?
- What's wrong with this?
- What's right about it?
- Okay, you know what, forget about it.
I have an extra shirt
in my car you can wear.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't need another shirt.
- Yes you do, because there's no way
I'm gonna go on a date
with two hot-ass chicks
and bring along Mr. Rodgers.
Adam, Adam, we need to show these girls
that we are exciting and
daring motherfuckers,
and it all starts with the clothes.
- You need help.
- Can we go?
Come on.
- Let's get this over with.
Not with that shirt.
- So Adam says, "Not without a condom."
She was 12.
(chuckles) I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
(laughing nervously)
(laughing nervously)
- Hey.
- How about we go to your places now?
- Yeah, I like that idea.
- I don't know if that's such a--
- Yeah, we'd love to.
- Yeah.
What's the worst that can happen, right?
- Oh, hey, Adam.
- Hey, Randall.
What's up?
- Have you seen Corey?
- No, why?
- No big deal, it's just that
he's about an hour late or so.
But who cares, right?
Just wanted to make
sure everything's cool.
- Right.
Well, I will let him know
you're looking for him, bud.
- Okay, bud.
- Should probably get back to work.
- Right, I'll let you get to it.
- Okay.
(sultry rock music)
(record scratching)
- Whoa.
Holy shit.
Who is that?
- I don't know.
Must be one of the new hires
Randall was talking about.
- Dude, I don't care if
she's a married lesbian
with pubic lice, I'm gonna be in her.
- Where you been?
- Shh.
I'm looking at my future wife.
- [Adam] Yeah.
Randall's looking for ya.
- [Corey] Yeah, what's new?
- Hey, what happened last night?
- What didn't happen last night?
Those chicks were like grandma freaky.
- Grandma freaky?
- Oh yeah.
- How'd I get home?
- Bro, I dropped you off.
How it go anyways with that Tracy?
(fast rock music)
- Fuck me, bitch.
- Wait, what?
- Raw dog me, you pussy!
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Raw dog!
- Yo, dude.
- Ah, don't, don't hit me.
- Yeah, shit.
You lucky bastard.
- S0 what happened with you and Jasmine?
- Oh, her, yeah.
- Oh, so big!
- Yeah, you like it, huh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
(moaning loudly)
(moaning drowns out voice)
- Yeah, talk dirty to me, come on.
- Oh, it's so firm.
- Oh, yeah.
(moaning drowns out voice)
- Oh my God.
- What?
- Nothing, shut up.
- Oh, yeah.
Harder, harder, oh.
(groaning loudly)
Oh my god, you're an animal, yes!
- Dude?
- Oh, yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
- Corey!
You're late today.
- Oh, yes, Mr. Picotti.
I actually just spoke to Randall
about the whole flat tire
situation I had this morning.
- Oh.
Randall already spoke to you?
- Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Came down on me quite hard.
- Good, 'cause we can't
have tardiness like that
around here.
I'm glad to hear that Randall
is keeping an eye on you little fuckers.
- I'm sorry, sir?
- Fuckers.
The two of you, you are little fuckers.
- Um, what did I do?
And I don't think you--
- Shut up.
Listen, the only reason you two dildos
still have a job here is 'cause
your dick buddy's my son.
But frankly, I get enough
flak from my wife at home
about not wanting to have
sex as much as I used to.
I don't need him adding
to that shit pile at home,
you got me?
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be married to a
nymphomaniac Ethiopian woman?
Do ya?
There's nothing that woman won't swallow.
I'm actually afraid of her.
And she squirts.
I'm not talking about your
average poof in your face,
"Here's your award for your
magic tongue" kind of thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
She calls it her black champagne.
You ever hear of anyone being
drowned to death by champagne?
Oh, well I would be the first.
And I don't want either of you two
distracting the new employees.
I don't need them learning what not to do.
You got me?
- Yes, sir.
- All right.
Now, if you two losers will excuse me,
I got some work to do.
- Dude, what the hell is his problem?
- What did I do?
You're the one who showed up late.
- Potato, poh-tah-toh.
Who cares what he thinks?
All right, we're gonna go
out again tomorrow night.
I'll call Greg, you call
Ran-dull over there.
Chicks think we're a lot hotter
when we stand next to those two.
Besides, it makes us
look more down to earth
to have ugly friends.
Tomorrow night, cabanas, 10:00 p.m.
And please leave the
depressing you at home.
- Dick.
- Sorry, what?
- Oh, um, not you, Guy.
- Oh, okay.
Did you want it to be me?
- No.
- Okay.
Well, maybe another time, then.
(silly music)
- I should probably get back to work.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
Well, I'll be around. (grunts)
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hug?
- No.
- Next time.
Have a gorgeous day.
(bumping electronic music)
Hey sexy
Hey sexy
Hey sexy
Sexy sexy sexy
- So, uh, Randall, what do you do?
- I, uh--
- Actually, Randall here is our boss.
In fact, Randall's family
owns damn near half the city.
- Really?
- In fact, don't you have
the company credit card?
- Dude.
- Yeah, but...
- But what?
I mean, you can write this all off
as a business meeting, right?
- No.
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, come on.
You know you want to.
- I don't know.
- Think about it.
When else are you gonna be surrounded
by a group of beautiful girls
who want nothing more to just
simply have fun and party?
And that credit card
is the ticket to one of the
best nights of our lives.
- He, uh,
kind of has a point.
(bumping electronic music)
Bouncing bouncing bouncing
Bouncing bouncing bouncing
Bounding bouncing bouncing
Bouncing bouncing bouncing
(intensifying electronic music)
Hey sexy
Hey sexy
Hey sexy
Sexy sexy sexy
- Hey, what the hell are
you doing with my girl?
- Um, hey.
Um, um, uh, oh, shit.
I had no idea that was your girl.
- It's funny, because I have no idea
how far my boys are gonna
take that shot glass
and shove it up your ass,
but it's going to happen.
- Okay, bud.
I can call you bud, right?
- No, you can't.
- Okay, pal--
- Miguel, leave them alone.
- Miguel?
(laughs) That's a stupid name.
- That's my dad's name.
- Hey, I think it's a great--
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- Okay, uh, Miguel.
Um, you can't honestly
expect us to believe
that this is your girl,
because if that was your girl,
she sure as shit would not
be gibing my boy titty shots
all night long.
And he is by far more
beautiful than you can ever be.
Oh, and she sure as hell would
not be giving my boy Randall
lap dances.
Oh, and she sure as shit
would not be talking to me all night long
about her love for this here dark meat.
So I don't know which way
you and your Backstreet Boy NSYNC Hanson
lookalike motherfuckers came in,
but you can go out the back door.
- [Adam] Hey!
- Oh, shit.
- Hey, whoa, just look, look,
it was just one shot, okay?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- That's good, 'cause
I'll just take one shot.
- Aw, shit.
Hey, Randall.
You okay, man?
- What happened?
- We got our asses kicked
because of Cory's mouth is what happened.
- Whoa, what?
Because of my mouth?
Need I remind you
that it was your mouth
on that chick's tits?
- He's got a point.
- Just shut up.
Hey, come on, get up.
- Hey, hey, you okay?
- He's fine.
- No, I'm not fine.
(crying) Do you see this?
This is not fine, okay?
The hundreds of dollars I
spent on my dad's credit card
that I'm gonna have to pay
back with my money's not fine.
And the fact that those girls
in there had no interest in us
before they found out I had
money may be fine with you,
but it sure isn't fine with me.
Doesn't it bug you knowing
that they had no interest
in anything but my credit card?
I'm not doing this anymore.
- That's it.
Randall's right.
Those chicks didn't give
two shits who he was
when we first walked in there.
- And they were interested
in you, were they?
- No.
That's my point.
- He got hit pretty hard, so.
- Why do you think those girls
were into those douche bags?
Because they're douche bags.
That's our problem.
We're not douche bags.
- That's a problem?
- Adam, why did, like, the
last 20 girls dump you?
Because you're too fucking nice.
Randall, have you ever been with a girl?
- Screw you.
- And Greg, you're just
a fat, ugly bastard.
- Look, this is the worst speech ever.
Get to the point.
- We're normal.
That's why we're all failing
at this bullshit dating game.
- What are you talking about?
We just got laid the other night.
- Yeah, because I paid for them.
- Sorry, what?
You told me they weren't hookers.
I mean, you specifically told me that.
- No.
What I said was is that I
didn't meet them at a brothel.
- You're the worst friend ever.
- Okay, whatever.
Those chicks in that bar
were into two types of guys,
that's it.
Bad boys and rich pricks.
If we wanna get those girls,
then we have to start being
what they want us to be,
even if we aren't what they want.
- So what you're saying
is is that we're gonna become
the perfect type of guy
that all women want.
- Oh, God.
- What are you talking about?
- Meet me at Jimmy's
tomorrow night at 6:00.
This could very well be our
last night in loserville,
- What the hell just happened?
- I don't know, but I'm excited.
(lighthearted acoustic music)
(voicemail beeping)
- [Voicemail] You have two messages.
First message.
- [Mandy] Hey, Adam.
It's me, Mandy.
I know this is kind of random,
but can you please call me
back as soon as possible?
It's important.
- [Voicemail] Second message.
- [Mandy] Hey, Adam, it's me again.
Just wanted to call you and let you know
you don't have to worry
about calling me back.
I thought I might have left a
sweater of mine at yours but,
good news, I found it.
So, yeah.
- [Voicemail] End of messages.
- Now, before we begin,
we must all promise to keep
this amongst ourselves.
If word gets out that we're
setting up girls as targets,
we all fail.
Now, to make sure that
we keep this a secret,
we must each, myself included,
do something in private
that is so unheard of,
so embarrassing, so humiliating
that under no circumstance
will we reveal our plan to anyone.
If you do, we show the world what you did.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, what are you talking about?
- Each of us will
privately film each other
doing something that we would
never want anyone to ever see.
If you let out our secret,
we send the footage out
to everyone everywhere.
And trust me, gentlemen, the
stuff that I have lined up
will definitely keep this a secret.
- Well, what about you?
- You guys can pick.
- So who does what?
- Yeah, how do we decide
who plays what role?
- Gentlemen, inside this bag
are all the various styles of men
that I could possibly Google.
Now I'm not talking about the typical crap
like the funny guy.
We all know women like to laugh.
These are all the top prospect choices.
We each draw a style,
discuss how we could help each other out,
and then the game begins.
We each have three days to
put this style into effect
on any woman that we want.
If you get lucky within that timeframe,
we then use that style in
combination with another style
that passed the three-day test.
- That will never work.
There's too many flaws with that,
the biggest being the
fact that not every girl
likes the same thing.
- You're absolutely right.
But we're not out to just catch
a simple salmon, Randy boy.
We're out to find a way
to lure in every type of fish out there,
no matter what body of water they're from.
- A metaphor.
- I can't even believe I'm
saying this, but that might work.
I mean, it's a process
of elimination, right?
I mean, you take the attributes that work,
and you combine them,
and you get rid of the ones that don't,
and you ultimately come up with the--
- The Perfect Pickup.
(bell chiming)
- Perfect Pickup.
- The Perfect
- Buckle up, boys.
(upbeat music)
- Well, I already know that
the nice guy doesn't work,
- (chuckles) Yup.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [Corey] Okay, the whole
purpose of us doing this
is to find the perfect type of guy
that women wanna be with
whether they know it or not.
Rule number one, look and be the part.
Under no circumstance can
you ever break character.
If you get caught, we get caught.
If you can't convince yourself
that you're that type of person,
you won't be able to
convince them, either.
Rule two, use every resource possible
to sell your character.
We're a team, so help each other out.
Rule three, record everything you do.
What works, what doesn't.
Process of elimination, boys.
And if we all play our cards right,
we could be having women
begging to stay the night in no time,
so keep your pads lookin' sharp.
And the most important rule of them all,
do not fall in love.
Unless, of course,
you wanna stay in character
for the rest of your life.
(door screeching)
(wind blowing)
(electronic music)
- Time to lay down some suppressing fire.
- [Woman] My gosh.
Then what happened?
- Well, Christie,
it's hard to talk about, but
that's when I lost my leg.
- You lost your leg?
- Well, they sewed it back on, so.
- They sewed it back on?
- Oh, no, not my leg. (chuckles)
They sewed on Lieutenant Dan's.
- Okay,
they sewed another
man's leg back onto you.
Is that even possible?
- We had the same blood type.
- Thank you.
- Hi, can I help you?
- Uh, oh, I get it.
You must not recognize me
when I'm not on stage or television, dear.
- Sorry, sir.
Do you have a reservation?
- It's Dyrk, with a Y.
- And your last name?
- Oh, no, no, there's no last name.
Just Dyrk.
It's what the label
usually books me under.
- Sorry, sir, there's no Dyrk puling up.
- Fuckin' Sony Records, eh?
Well, you smell nice, huh?
All right, I walked it off.
Thank you for treating
me like a normal person
and not someone who's rich and famous.
Appreciate that.
So how about you just book me
whatever room's available, dear.
(inhaling deeply)
- Ah, angel perfume.
- We actually only have the
penthouse suite available.
- Perfect, suits me very well.
- And it goes for $4,500 a night.
- 4,500, you say?
No problem, but, uh,, Tara,
I figure since it's going
to be actually you and me
sharing the night together,
maybe you and I can work out a deal.
What are you so lose for, mate?
Nice to meet you.
Well he's fuckin' big, isn't he?
(lighthearted music)
- I was talking to my mom today...
- Oh.
- Ladies, may I trouble you
for a romantic rendezvous around the park
on this most glorious day?
- [Woman] Let's go.
(lighthearted music)
- Sir, my good man.
- Oh!
(horse neighing)
(rock music)
(brakes squealing)
(engine idling)
(suspenseful music)
- I'm thinking two things,
and I know you're thinking 'em too.
Your dick, my vagina.
- What you say to me,
(speaking in foreign language)?
(speaking in foreign language)
Said I'm a dick.
- Who the fuck do you think you are?
- You're fucking with the wrong familia,
(speaking in foreign language).
What you want, (speaking
in foreign language)?
(slow motion shouting)
- We'll kill you!
(high-pitched screaming)
- [Woman] Who is that?
- [Woman] Ew.
- Yuck.
Let's go.
(engine revving)
Excuse me
Let me make a left
Hater wanna trip we can take a putt
Well well they don't understand
I ain't even let this
let me do my thing
Do my thing
Do my thing
I ain't even at this
'til I do my thing
Do my thing
I do my thing
Sensation with a tip
so we do our thing
- Oh my God, are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
- That was completely my fault.
These damn Versace suits, right?
Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'm just,
I'm running late for a meeting
with a Fortune 500 company.
Look, let me make it up to you.
Let me take you to dinner, or for a drink?
What do you say?
I won't take no for an answer.
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah?
- Why not?
- Great, great.
Do you mind helping pick
up all these $100 bills?
- [Woman] Sure, let's do it.
- All right.
(inspirational music)
(solemn music)
- Look, I understand that, ma'am, okay,
but the records show that you
used your cell phone in India,
so therefore we charge you for the usage.
Okay, well, were you in India on July 9?
You were.
So don't you find it coincidental
that you were in India on July 9
and there's cell phone usage
in India on the exact same day?
She just hung up on me.
- Hey, Stacey.
How you doing today?
You look absolutely ravishing.
See you tonight.
- Definitely.
- What are you doing?
- What?
Taking her out on the town tonight
using my next style, the accent.
- I don't know, wait,
wait, you work with her.
- Yeah, I know.
- So, what, you're just
gonna go around here
speaking in an accent all the time?
- Never really thought about that.
- Stop talking in an accent.
- Whoa, what the hell?
- You can't do this, okay?
It's not in the rules.
- You're right, it's not.
That's why I can do it.
- You're an idiot.
You're gonna get caught,
and that technically is--
- You know what, I see
what's going on here.
You're just jealous.
- Uh, what?
- Yeah, you're just pissed
because I have the balls
to actually go up to her
and ask her out, and you would just rather
sit here in your cubicle and stare at her
like some sort of creepy
pedophile at a daycare.
- You're unreal.
- Adam, my office, now.
Corey, is this your desk?
- No, sir, Mr. Picotti, I was just asking
- Where's your accent?
- Adam, you're late.
Take a seat.
Adam here is our floor support rep,
which tells you something
about the kind of talent
we have working here.
Adam, Stacey is our newest
drone who somehow managed
to complete the incredibly
difficult training program
on how to answer a telephone,
and I need you to show her around
so I can pay her to actually do something.
But judging by the creepy
way you stare at her
from your desk,
I'm guessing you already met.
- Um, (chuckles)
nope, haven't met.
But, uh, hi, I'm Adam,
the guy who apparently stares
at you in a creepy manner.
- I know--
- You see what I mean?
It's creepy the way he
stares at you, isn't it?
- I, um...
- Time is money, Creepy and Drone.
- I'll just, I'm just, (mumbles) this way.
- I can't believe he
talks to people like that.
- Ah, you get kind of used to it.
Plus, the last person
that gave it back to him
got fired on the spot for
using abusive language, so.
And I mean, for a call
center, it pays pretty good.
Hey, we get free coffee.
- Wow.
That makes up for all the
abuse, then, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
So, are you just living
here on your own, or?
- I'm staying with my aunt and uncle
while they're out of town,
just until I find my own apartment.
So, what do you do around here for fun?
- Well, sometimes we
have these staff lunches,
and they can sometimes be--
- No, I mean, what do you
do for fun outside of work?
- Me, uh, well, I like to golf.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- My God, I love golf.
- Really?
- Yeah, of course.
I've got mad golf skills.
- Well, maybe, um, maybe you and I
can go out to the course
sometime if you're free?
- I'm free on Saturday.
- Saturday?
Yeah, yeah, I can do you on Saturday,
I mean, take you golfing.
- Great.
- Right, so 10:00 a.m.?
And you can then maybe
show me your mad skills.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, okay,
I'm just gonna.
(suspenseful music)
(drumming music)
- Give me the purse!
(woman screams)
Give me the purse, you fucking bitch.
Just shut up and give
me the fuckin' purse.
I'll fuckin'--
- Hey!
- Shit, security.
- That's right, it's
security, so let the girl go.
- Better get the hell outta here
before I relocate your balls.
- I'm not gonna ask you again.
I'm not...
- Don't move.
Dick Spray
(aerosol hissing)
- Ah, I can't see.
What the hell is that?
- My Dick.
- You're dead!
- We can talk about this,
we can talk about this?
Please, please, please.
- So soft.
Is that cotton, or a blend?
What do you wanna talk about, Blue Eyes?
- What?
- You smell good.
What is that?
- What the fuck?
holy shit.
- Thank you so much.
Are you okay?
You saved my life.
- I don't know about that.
I think they just wanted
your purse, and sex.
- You were so, you're so brave.
- I was?
I mean, it's job to be
brave, so. (chuckles)
- Yeah. (chuckles)
I'm Sheri.
- I'm Greg, hi.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I just can't believe that just happened.
- Yeah.
Come on, let's get you out of here.
- Okay.
- That's a pretty heavy purse.
- Oh, it's my makeup bag.
- Yeah, I guess Makeup's
good for something
other than hiding ugliness.
- [Sheri] Um, sure.
- Well, guys,
you wanna hear how my date
went last night with Stacey?
- No, not really.
- It was probably the
best night I've ever had,
and it all started from
when I picked her up.
(upbeat music)
(door clicks, squeals)
(sultry music)
- I've been waiting for you.
- I've been waiting for you.
'Ello, darling.
(relaxed music)
(lips smacking)
Hmm, that's, that's
not what I thought you
were gonna do with it.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Can I get another one?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
Right here, please.
(lips smacking)
- So she fed you shrimp, did she?
- That's what I said.
- Right.
- So how were you two?
How's it been goin'?
- Oh, man.
It's been going awesome.
The soldier style didn't really pan out,
but then I tried the brave style,
and this girl was immediately into me.
So I just told her to fuck off.
- Wait, what, like before getting laid?
- Yeah.
I mean, it was obvious that
the style was working, so.
And you know, I wasn't
really that into her.
And man, she was hot.
She was really hot, and friendly,
and we had a lot in common.
And she gave me her number,
so we went out for dinner,
and she likes a lot of the movies I like,
but I'm not gonna call her.
- Yeah, well, I wouldn't think so
after telling her to fuck off.
- Yeah, I did tell her to fuck off, so.
- So how were you, Randall?
How'd the bad boy work out?
- The, the, the, the bad boy.
It was, uh,
it was a good learning experience.
- What happened?
- Well, I pulled up to
this biker bar and--
- Whoa, you pulled up?
What'd you pull up in?
You don't have a car.
- Um, my
- You fool, you had a moped!
- Okay, okay, guys.
Come on.
We have to fully commit
if this is gonna work.
Did any of your styles work?
- Actually, the sensitive guy worked.
This girl, Corbie, called me last night,
and she wanted to meet up.
- Okay!
Well, from shit comes the corn.
Uh, so, how 'bout you?
- Rockstar, no, rich guy, yes.
- Okay, so we're about 50/50.
We're thinning out the list.
Soon, buys, we will have
the ultimate combination.
Round two has officially begun.
Let's meet up this Saturday to check in,
let's say about 10:00 a.m.?
- I can't make that.
- Oh, really?
You can't make Saturday at 10:00 a.m.?
Oh, what, you got other plans, Adam?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Hey, Stacey, it's Adam.
I just noticed you weren't at work today,
and thought I would give you
a call and see if you're okay.
Just confirming
if we were still good for
Saturday morning as well.
Anyway, I hope all is well, and
maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
All right, bye.
- Hey.
You still not free Saturday?
- No, I got plans.
Where's your fake accent?
(lively music)
- [Guy] Adam?
- Um, yeah?
- It's Guy.
I knew it was you
because I seen you looking
at yourself in the mirror
through this crack in my stall.
You ever do that?
Stare at people from the toilet stall
through the door cracks?
Kind of makes me feel like a spy.
I can see them, but they can't see me.
You know what I mean?
- No,
I can't say I do.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
You're probably gonna need this.
- Ah!
- [Guy] I went in that stall earlier
noticed there wasn't
any toilet paper left.
- Um, uh,
thank you.
- No problem.
You'd be amazed how many times
I've had to throw out a pair
of underwear because of that.
- My irritable bowel syndrome.
It's made me quite familiar
with the old porcelain throne.
(phone ringing)
Oh, go ahead and answer.
I won't say a thing.
- Um...
Hello, Adam speaking.
Hi, Stacey.
How are you?
Are you feeling okay?
(wet farting)
Uh, uh, yeah, no, that was just a noise.
And listen, I was just, um,
I was just seeing if we were (wet farting)
still on for Saturday and
(wet farting, plopping) ah.
Uh, listen. (stammers)
Yeah, we are?
Okay, that's good.
I'm just kind of in a hurry,
and you know, (loud farting)
Ah, gotta go, gotta go.
I gotta go.
Bye bye.
(wet farting)
- How'd it go?
Are you still there?
Oh, yep, there you are.
I can see your shoes.
Hey, those are nice.
Where'd you get those?
(wet farting)
Ah, jeez.
Just when you think you're done,
another one pokes its head out.
(wet farting)
- "Where's your fake accent?"
I'll show you fake.
(sultry rock music)
(record scratching)
- I, Adam.
- Hi.
- You look...
- Too much?
- No, I, I like the distraction.
It keeps me focused on my game.
- Well, you'd better watch it,
'cause I brought a secret weapon.
- You mean other than the outfit, or?
That's your secret weapon?
- Yep.
Shall we?
- Yeah, yeah.
After you.
(golf ball cracking)
I think you're going to
need your secret weapon.
- Don't get too cocky, mister.
You got your work cut out for you.
- All right.
(golf ball cracking)
- No!
- Uh, yeah. (chuckles)
- That was my favorite ball.
- Right.
- Give me one more shot.
- You better make it a good one.
The trick is to just keep your head down,
line your feet up with the hole,
and the rest is just a balancing thing.
- Oh, I know about balance.
Did ballet for years.
- That's what you said about golf.
- Ha ha.
- Let me, let me help you out, okay?
Um, what you wanna do is
basically just put your head down.
You're gonna keep it real
firm, the wrists, okay?
And you wanna pay attention
to the shaft and the balls, ball,
and what you wanna do is
you wanna try to get it
into the hole as fast as possible.
To the pin.
You wanna shoot and get less
strokes, shots into the hole.
I'm gonna stop talking,
and you can shoot whenever
(clears throat) balance.
(gold ball cracking)
there you go.
- Impressive.
You teach this to all the girls?
- No, I don't actually
date that many girls.
- Really?
That's not what Corey said.
- So, what else did my
best friend tell you?
- Honestly?
- [Adam] Yeah.
- Well, he said that you just
got out of a relationship
and that you have an
odd collection of stuff.
- Uh, wait, what?
(door clicking)
- Adam?
Thanks for the key, buddy.
Two can play this backstabbing game.
- Animal porn?
Are you kidding me?
- Don't worry, I didn't
believe everything he said.
- Wait, what do you mean, "Everything?"
Oh come on, you can't
possibly believe any of that.
I mean, women's clothing?
That I have women over
all the, (stammering)
do I look like the type of guy
that invites women over all the time?
- So you're not gonna
invite me over after this?
- (scoffs) I, um, well,
- I'd love to.
- Ah.
- Come on.
Let's go find my ball.
- All right.
Sorry we couldn't find the ball.
- It's okay.
- Maybe it'll turn up.
- Maybe.
- Well, this is my home.
Just make yourself comfortable.
I'm just gonna use the restroom.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
(upbeat acoustic music)
(lighthearted music)
- Oh!
Oh my God.
(suspenseful music)
Oh my God.
- Stace?
What the...
- Anything else I'm not
supposed to believe, Adam?
- Stacey, look,
I have no idea where this
stuff came from, okay?
No, no, look, I didn't,
I can explain, I...
What the hell?
- [Greg] Yeah, who is it?
- Hey, Greg.
- No, don't come in!
- Dude.
- It was on sale.
- Have you, have you, um,
have you seen Corey?
- Like, today?
- Asshole sabotaged me.
- What?
- Yeah.
He went and told Stacey all
these bullshit lies about me.
Then he went into my house.
No, no, no, he broke into my house
and then sabotaged me while
I was on a date with her.
- Wait a minute, a second.
You went on a date with Stacey?
- Yeah.
- The same Stacey that
Corey went on a date with?
- Yes.
- Well, did you ask him if that was okay?
- No, I didn't.
- You clearly knew that
he was into her, right?
- No, no.
He knew that I liked her too, so...
- Oh, well, then you're both dickheads.
- He went behind my back, okay?
Sabotaged me.
How does that make me a dickhead here?
- What is this, fuckin' high school?
Look, you wanna get at Corey,
you kill him at his own game.
- What does that mean?
- The Perfect Pickup.
- And?
- Look, it's everything to him right now.
Like, more than pussy, which is crazy.
So he took something
important away from you,
you take that away from him.
- Wait, wait, wait.
So I...
So I take the Perfect
Pickup away from him.
- You're a quick one.
- You may be a genius.
I mean, this thing that you're doing
with the cake right now?
Might be genius, though.
- Don't, don't listen to him.
You're a beautiful cake.
Unfortunately you met your match.
I'm gonna eat you like a vagina,
and you taste better, too.
Oh yeah, baby. (laughs)
- Adam?
- Hey, bud.
- Hey, man.
- Uh, your mom just--
- Oh, yeah.
Come in, come in, come in.
- Yeah.
- Just, uh, prepping my next style.
- Cowboy, huh?
- Yeah.
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Sure.
- What do you really
think about this whole
Perfect Pickup crap?
- I like it.
I hate it.
This isn't me.
I can't do this.
I mean, look at me.
- Hey, wanna find out what
the real Perfect Pickup
is with me?
- Okay.
Stacey, hey, hey.
Can I talk to you for a moment?
- No.
- Look, I don't know what
happened yesterday, okay,
but whatever Corey told you--
- Was true.
- Well, it wasn't.
You can't listen to anything he tells you.
- Like what, Adam, huh?
Like the fact
that you're not into weird
pornographic material
that have stacks of animal porn magazines,
or that you never bring
women over to yours
but have more lingerie at
your place than a whorehouse?
Let me guess, you're gonna tell me
that Corey doesn't donate his
time at children's hospitals,
or that he doesn't plant
trees on the weekend.
Is that right?
- I can't believe that
you're falling for this.
- I don't wanna hear it, Adam.
If that's even your real name.
- Come on, Stacey.
- You started it, buddy.
- Hi.
- [Adam] Oh, no.
- Mm.
It's like a tasty wedding
cake threesome. (laughs)
well, dude, I like her better.
- [Adam] Greg, it's Adam.
- 'Sup?
- [Adam] I, uh, I got a plan.
- Well, as long as it doesn't involve
me leaving this place tonight, we're good.
I'm, uh, busy.
- [Adam] The wedding cake?
- Yeah, man.
I'm almost done.
What's the plan?
(phone buzzing)
(upbeat music)
- Hello?
- Love your show, bro.
- Who is that?
- I don't know.
- Really, how do you not
know who this guy is?
- Yes, you two lovely ladies.
Would you care to assist
me with my next trick?
(upbeat music)
- I do kegels.
How 'bout you?
(phone ringing)
- Man, word to your mother.
(upbeat music)
uh-uh, not doin' this one.
- Hello there.
Did I mention that I saved
450 crying little kittens
in Hurricane Katrina?
Oh, and my pastime is
to sabotage my friends.
My name's Corey.
Nice to meet you.
- Dig it, baby, let's just jam.
(breathy whoosh)
Far out.
- Hi, I'm Randall.
I like this one.
- [Announcer] He shoots, he scores!
(announcer speaking faintly)
- Hey, Stacey, how you doing?
I really had a great time the other night,
and I was just wondering
if perhaps we could do it again sometime.
- Corey, I hate to
interrupt your rehearsal,
but Stacey, Mr. Picotti
would like to see us in his office.
- Oh, right.
Shall we?
- Uh, not you.
Just Stacey and I.
Oh, and before I forget,
my mom was doing some scrap booking,
you know, when we were younger,
and she asked me to ask you
where your family was originally from.
- Ungland.
- Ungland.
Wow, that must be
in one of those smaller
towns in England, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, the accent makes sense now.
Shall we?
Oh my, you should really
be careful, Corey,
'cause you don't really
wanna get caught, do ya?
- Son of a...
- I don't wanna hear it.
You two will work
on putting the quarterly
results presentation together,
and you will like it.
We have some very big clients attending
and it's up to you to make
'em come in their pants.
You got two weeks.
- Um,
look, uh, Stacey, um,
about the other night--
- Adam, please.
- No, I just wanna say that
whatever you thought that was,
I'm sorry, and I just
wanna put it behind us
and just focus on the presentation.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
I probably overreacted a
bit myself, but yes, okay.
Let's put it behind us.
- Good, I like that.
So I was thinking,
if we were to split the
financial reports into quarters,
it would really make it easy for us
to show how the sales
have actually increased.
I don't know, what do you think?
- I think that your french
maid costume was very cute.
- Look, I have no idea how that got there.
I will take it.
I'll take it.
- I like it.
The dress?
- Your plan.
- Oh.
- Let's split it into quarters.
- Of course that's what you meant.
(suspenseful music)
- Boys!
What took you so long?
Oh, Greg, Randall, don't
worry about paying,
I already got it.
Sorry, Adam.
Only had enough for two.
- Corey, uh, didn't really
expect to see you here today.
- Uh, we come here every week.
Why wouldn't I be here?
- Go ahead, guys.
I'll meet you at the tee.
- All right, Randall,
you're gonna keep score.
- No, no.
Randall's playing today.
You can keep your own score.
- All right, chill out.
(gold ball cracking)
- [Adam] What, you couldn't wait?
- Chill out, it's just one hole.
So fill me in, boys.
How's it going with the pickup?
Y'all probably bombing, am I correct?
Need a little Corey assistance, do we?
- I think we got it.
- What do you mean?
- The Perfect Pickup.
Yeah, we think we found
out what it is already,
so don't worry about it, man.
I think we got it on our own.
- On your own?
It was my plan.
- Yeah, it was your plan
until you broke the rules
and screwed me over with Stacey.
So you see, it's not only surprising
that you're actually here right now,
but it's even more surprising
that you actually think that
I would just let that shit go.
- Fuck you, Adam.
What the hell's wrong with you?
- Me?
You're lucky if I don't
shove this fucking club
up your ass, dickhead.
- Cry me a Backstreet Boy river.
It was a joke.
- Yeah, well, you have a
sick fucking sense of humor.
- What, are you, you're
all serious right now?
Greg, you're gonna be
playing along with this shit?
- I don't know, man.
What you did, it wasn't cool.
- Cool?
What the hell do you know about cool?
- Don't talk to me like that.
- I will talk to you
however the hell I want to,
you fat ass bull dyke.
In fact, the only reason you
or Randall are here right now
is because I let you hang out with us.
- I think it's time for you to go.
- I agree.
- Sorry, what was that?
Did you have something to say?
You know,
I'm really gonna enjoy
kicking the shit out of you,
you nerdy little bastard.
- Hey.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- It's like Adam said,
it's time for you to go.
- Or else what?
- Or else I'm gonna release the footage.
I know I sure wouldn't
want material like that
released about me.
- You wouldn't.
- It's like you said,
I'm just a nerdy bastard.
What better way to prove you right than
to upload the footage onto the internet?
- [Adam] Go, now.
- Some friends you are.
A nerd, a walking vagina, and a fat ass.
Dream team.
- If I'm an ass, then you're a dick.
Why don't we get together and fuck, huh?
You know what I mean,
you know what I mean.
You know what I mean!
- Really, Adam?
After years of friendship?
- No, I didn't do this.
This is on you.
- Fine.
The hell do you guys know
about dating anyways?
You know, I'm gonna find
the pickup on my own.
I can just imagine what you think it is.
- Come on, guys, let's go.
(upbeat music)
- I gotta get my
fingernails done tomorrow.
Lord Jesus, I won't pick
up another girl, I swear.
What the fuck's the voltage on that shit?
- How you doin', miss?
Why don't you save a
horse and ride a cowboy?
- You sexy cowboy, you're gonna get it!
You're gonna get it all night long!
Come on, baby, mash my bones.
Mash my bones, baby.
Yes, yes, giddy up!
(serious music)
- I don't punch girls, but
I'll definitely hit that.
(slow motion crashing)
Ma'am, you're gonna have to put 'em up.
I see you concealing something.
Is it my heart?
Hey, baby.
I know it's nice and cold outside,
but I can keep you warm with my wood.
- In the navy, in the navy, in...
Hey, girl.
What's long, hard, and full of seamen?
My submarine entering your port.
I got it.
- How's the presentation coming?
(tense music)
- Great--
- Not you.
- Um, great.
- Good.
'Cause the meeting's now in two
days instead of next Monday.
You'd better impress.
- Did that just seriously happen?
- I think so.
- There's no way we're
gonna get this done by then.
- Well, we'll just have
to come up with something.
- Well, um,
how 'bout you let me take
you to dinner tonight, huh?
Just to work on the presentation.
Come on, I promise I won't bite, okay?
- Well, I,
I kind of--
- Already have plans.
- Well, if you call sitting
at the point by myself plans,
then yes.
- At the point?
By yourself?
- Yes.
- You know what the point is, right?
- I know, I know.
- So, what, you just sit there?
- Yes.
- By yourself.
- Yes.
- The point.
- Yes.
- By yourself.
- Are you done?
- I'm, I'm sorry, I just...
- I go there almost every night, actually.
It's a good place to just think.
And you gotta admit, it's
the best view in this town.
- Yeah.
So, what?
You just sit in your car, or?
- You know that little
bench out on the beach?
- Right.
- So you gonna let me
take you to dinner tonight?
Work on the presentation,
and then maybe we'll go dancing after.
- So you dance, do you?
- Yeah.
Didn't you hear?
Doing ballet for years.
- Are you truing to win me over?
- Is it working?
- No.
- I will call you after work, 'kay?
- Ah, yes, for two.
(lighthearted music)
let's do this, mate.
my apologies, Mary Ann.
- No, it's fine.
- By the way, it
completely slipped my mind
to give you this at the
beginning of our life.
I really hope you like it.
Now that's not just any rose.
I had it imported from Fiji for you,
and it was grown completely organically,
because I don't believe in
harming the environment.
- Oh my God, I feel the same way.
- Really?
- [Mary Ann] Yeah.
- Well, I don't like to bring it up much,
but when I was doing Haiti relief funding
and building animal shelters
for endangered pandas in Morocco,
I really started to develop
a certain type of respect for the world
and all of its creatures.
You see, when you allow yourself
to get to a state of
utter love an appreciation
for everything outside
your sheltered little box,
you really start to see and appreciate
all of he beauty the world has.
Beauty like you.
- That's, that's amazing.
But what do you do now?
I mean, this restaurant,
and your Versace suit.
Importing flowers from Fiji?
I mean, that can't be cheap, Raul.
- My cover's blown, innit?
What can I say.
I've been very blessed in my life.
I've traveled the world.
I made all my money when
I was in a UK rock band,
but I had to quit
so that I can focus more on
the Ugandan children missions
and building water wells
for Ethiopian families
run by widowed mothers.
So to answer your question,
what do I do for a living,
well, simply put,
I live life to its fullest.
- That's so sexy.
- Like I said,
been very blessed in my life.
It's as if though life
keeps handing me good cards.
- Hi, just two.
- Hi, uh, just the two of us.
- Shit.
Do you mind switching me seats?
- What?
- Sorry, it's it's the lights.
The lights, it's very bright in here.
My eyes are very sensitive
due to the burning sun
of the Ethiopian desert.
- Well, why are you whispering?
- The air, it's very dry in here.
- Well, did you want
something to drink, Raul?
- Yes, Raul.
Yes, yes, please keep calling me Raul?
- Isn't that your name?
- What?
Yes, yes, of course it is,
of course it is, what--
- You're acting really weird.
- [Corey] Would you just shh?
- So I think I found the best way
to show the quarterly results
that we completely shatter
the expenditures visually.
- Really?
- Yeah, no, what we'll
do is, we can take the--
- Adam.
- Um, what?
- You brought me to one of the
nicest restaurants in town.
You've been doing everything
you can for the last two weeks
to prove to me that you're not a lying,
disgusting house maid.
And now that you have me here,
you actually wanna talk about work?
- Well, I didn't think that you...
- I mean, you said that
you didn't really wanna--
- I also told you that
I was a good golfer.
- Right.
And I guess I did give you another shot.
- So I guess I could do the same.
- Bitch.
- [Mary Ann] What?
- Not you, her.
- Who?
- Would you shh?
- I'm leaving.
- No, no, no, don't go.
- I knew that this was
too good to be true.
- Would you just sit, please?
- [Adam] Corey?
- Corey?
What happened to Raul?
- I, you, so, (chuckles)
fancy seeing you here.
Wait a minute.
What are you two doing here?
You two on a date?
Stacey, I thought you and I had a thing.
- A thing?
We went for coffee.
- Really?
But I thought you went to her
house and she fed you shrimp.
- What?
- I don't even know who you are anymore.
- You told him that I fed you shrimp?
- I mean, yes, Adam.
Are you using the jock card on her
with all this golf talk, huh?
- Whatever, man.
- Stacey,
has Adam here not told you
about the Perfect Pickup?
- Corey, that's enough.
- What's he talking about?
- Oh, so you didn't tell her.
- Corey.
- My boy Adam here and his mates
have been painting up the
town, picking up birds,
finding what they call the
perfect way to pickup women.
Sorry, love, you're just one in the lot.
- Stacey, don't listen to him.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Is that true?
- No.
Look, don't listen to anything
he says about me, okay?
He's been lying the whole time.
You cannot trust him.
- Screw you, Adam.
Some friend you turned out to be.
- Me?
You sabotaged our friendship
when you put all that crap in my apartment
for Stacey to see.
- Wait.
Corey, what happened to your accent?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
Adam was right.
You've been lying to me this whole time?
- You're not the only one.
- Both of you have.
- No, no.
Stacey, look, I can explain, okay?
- Adam, tell me he's lying
about this Perfect Pickup bullshit.
- Yeah, Adam.
Why don't you tell her
about all this bullshit?
- Shut up.
Is he lying?
- Look, it's not what
you think it is, okay?
- I thought you were different.
I thought you were a nice guy.
- Adam--
- Don't.
Don't talk to me.
(solemn music)
I was just a wandering soul
Working through the highs and lows
I heard a spirit whisper slow
Drift into a great unknown
Will anybody see my ghost
I can see the light
So let me off at the end of the night
Because all my friends are giving up
And I've had enough
I can feel the weight
of a thousand eyes on me
I began to hear my name
And silence in a hurricane
The dust was leaving from my veins
Like some forgotten border train
Carried to my home again
I can see the light
So let me off
(voicemail beeping)
- [Voicemail] You have two messages.
First message.
- [Mom] Adam, it's Mom.
Just letting you know,
I sent you a parcel that
should arrive there tomorrow.
I don't wanna let you know
what it is, it's a surprise,
but it's cookies, so make sure
you open them up right away
so that they're still
fresh when you eat them.
I love you.
- [Voicemail] Second message.
- [Corey] Adam, it's Corey.
Listen, I know what
happened was, well, crazy.
I'm not expecting you to forgive
me, but I've been thinking,
and you should really try
and go and get Stacey back.
You two definitely look
like you had something real.
Anyway, I don't really do
this sappy stuff too good,
so, sorry.
This isn't worth losing a friend over.
I hope you think so, too.
Anyway, call me or whatever.
I said I'd love you 'till I die
I can see the light
Let me off at the end of the night
- Hey, I got a package
here for a Mr. Fisher.
- Yeah, I'm Adam Fisher.
- Just, yeah, sign here, please.
(door squeaking, shutting)
Did you forget something?
- Hi.
- What are you, um,
what are you doing here?
I mean, not that I mind,
I just thought that you--
- How'd the presentation go?
- Um, good, yeah, thanks.
- Are you lying?
- Uh, (chuckles) okay,
I guess I deserve that.
So, you quit.
- I couldn't work another
day for Mr. Picotti.
- So I'm not the reason you quit?
- No.
You definitely had a big part in it.
- Listen, Stacey, I, um, I--
- I know, Adam.
I know everything.
I know that Corey put all
that stuff in your apartment,
and I know that you were
telling me the truth.
- I was?
He did?
You do?
- Yes.
I also know about this
so-called Perfect Pickup thing
and what you really did with it.
- What?
- Well, actually, Corey called me.
- Great.
So what crazy things am I into now?
- Apparently,
- You have no idea how
hard that was to find.
- So,
what now?
- Um...
Give me one more shot?
- You'd better make it a good one.
Hold me close
- I, um, I promise.
Hold me in
- [Adam] Well, there you have
it, my story in a nutshell.
Stacey and I, we're still together.
And hey, I broke the four-month curse,
so I guess that whole "nice
guys finish last" thing
is true to some extent.
But as long as you find someone
who eventually likes a nice guy,
then who cares if you finish last?
As for Randall, he told Corby everything,
and she completely forgave him
for lying about poisoning his dog.
Lucky for him though,
it turns out she's a bigger
comic book geek than he is.
Who would have thought?
When the drugs kick in
- [Adam] As for Greg and Sheri, yep,
they too are still together,
and are the funniest couple I know.
In fact, they recently just got engaged.
I told Greg he should
get two wedding cakes,
one for the guests and one for himself.
He told me to shove it up my ass.
Oh, and as for Corey, well,
him and I are friends again,
but he still thinks that
the perfect pickup exists.
Oh, and you're probably wondering
what happened to our version
of the perfect pickup, right?
Well, actually, we never found it.
In fact, we only used it to probe
that being someone we're
not is not the best path.
Who knows.
Maybe, maybe one day
Corey will learn the same thing.
(chuckles) Idiot.
I told you twice
- 'Ello.
- [Adam] So in the end we learn that
it's not about how you
act, or how you dress,
or how much money you make,
it's about who you are inside.
And if you stay true to yourself,
then eventually you'll find
someone who loves you for you,
and that's where you'll
find true happiness.
So in a way, I guess the
perfect pickup does exist.
It's being yourself.
Happy hunting.
(suspenseful music)
(golf ball cracking)
(bassy music)