The Perfect Specimen (1937) Movie Script

[ Clock chimes ]
Wrong again. Fifteen seconds slow.
Briggs, where is everyone?
Where is Mr Grattan?
Mr Grattan, yes.
Here I am, Mrs Wicks. I'm right here.
Why of course you are. I can
see you. I'm not blind, am I.
Thank you, Mrs Wicks.
- Grattan.
I think as my secretary, you might
afford a new tie occasionally.
Or else have the rooms redecorated.
And another thing.
That clock in the hall is
fifteen seconds slow.
You must send for a clockmaker.
- But only yesterday, it ..
Very well then, get another clock.
Decorate room. Get another clock.
Well, what are you all standing
around like a lot of ninnies for?
Serve the breakfast.
Serve the breakfast.
- Yes, Mrs Wicks?
I heard a rooster crow at
half past six this morning.
Oh dear, dear.
Find out who is responsible
and dismiss him.
Dismiss rooster. Yes, Mrs Wicks.
I must have absolute quiet
until half past seven.
Yes, Mrs Wicks.
I can't have Gerald's sleep upset.
- No, Mrs Wicks.
Well, well. Where is everybody?
Where is Alicia?
Good morning, aunt Leona.
Good morning?
It's practically afternoon.
And I don't like the way
you've done your hair.
Did you sleep well?
- Like a log.
Don't be ridiculous. Logs have
bumps. Young ladies do not.
You couldn't possibly sleep like a log.
- Yes, Mrs Wicks?
How long have you been my secretary?
Oh, for twenty years now, Mrs Wicks.
And for twenty years I haven't
had a decent night's sleep.
It's just a coincidence, I hope.
I hope so.
Where is Gerald?
Evidently he overslept thirty seconds.
Don't be impudent.
Yes, Mrs Wicks?
What's Gerald's schedule for today?
- I have it. I have it right here. Yes.
"Redecorate room and get a new clock."
Oh, his schedule? For today?
Of course, yes.
Excuse me. Yes.
"Business administration at 10 o'clock.
French at 11. Luncheon at 12:30."
"Scientific relaxation until 2."
"Gymnasium until 3."
"International law and
interstate commerce until 4."
Plenty of sugar, Oscar.
"Applied psychology
until 4:30. Relaxation."
What about his motor mechanics course?
The motor mechanics course is scheduled
for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Hmm. Go on.
Thank you, Mrs Wicks.
"Relaxation in the open and the reading
of some improving work until dinner."
After dinner ..
He gets locked back in his cell.
Locked in his cell.
- What a life.
Don't mumble, Alicia.
What were you saying?
- Oh, nothing.
Well don't say it.
And don't put so much sugar
in your coffee, Alfred.
If you want syrup, order it.
Thank you, Mrs Wicks.
Oscar, the syrup. Never mind.
Aunt Leona.
You trust Gerald with me don't you?
I've decided he's to
marry you haven't I?
Then why couldn't we go out and
have some fun once in a while?
There is a dance tonight and I don't ..
- Now don't be absurd.
Why can't you dance here?
Gerald is a perfect dancer
so his instructor tells me.
That's just the trouble, aunt Leona.
You have him doing everything perfectly.
Perhaps too perfectly.
Well, what is wrong with that?
I'd think you would be proud
to think that your future husband ..
Is going to be head
of the Wicks Utility.
He'll be the mental, moral and physical
superior of all of his 10,000 employees.
The 'perfect specimen'.
That's what I'm afraid of.
"Newton's first law of
motion and gravity."
"Little force is needed to
stop a moving football."
"But substantial force is needed to stop
a cannonball moving at the same speed."
Hi. Yoo-hoo! Jink!
Hello pest.
Ah, my loving brother.
How did you know it was me?
Nobody else would be crazy enough
to drive a car like that on these roads.
Well, what's the bad news this time?
- Bad news?
Your arrival usually brings trouble.
You call my finding you
a decent job, trouble?
I've got a job.
- I mean a real job.
What do you call this, a hobby?
Digging ditches?
- I dig a very pretty ditch.
You, a college graduate.
- Shush.
Don't say that.
The foreman doesn't know.
So come on. What's it all about?
- That bridge span in Provident.
They want an engineer, a Harvard man.
Experienced and not very bright.
You'll fill the spot perfectly, darling.
Don't give me that. You don't care where
I work. How did you know I was here?
When you resign as Supervising Engineer
to be a plow jockey, there's a reason.
And you shouldn't leave those
romantic love letters around.
Who is this girl, Alicia?
She certainly steams up
a wicked fountain pen.
Does she live here or work here?
I ought to give you a
licking. Say, look Mona.
Be a good sport and go way before
I get fired from talking to strangers.
You didn't tell me who she is.
And I don't intend to. Do you think
I want all Wickstead on my head?
You don't mean the Wickstead?
Where they've raised a guy
to be a perfect specimen?
This is the place.
- Let me see him will you?
Introduce me. You can do it.
Nobody can see him.
- Nobody.
How much you want to bet?
Mona, for Pete's sake.
Hey, where are you going?
- I don't know.
Maybe to have tea with
the perfect specimen.
Look. If you do anything
crazy you'll get me fired.
That will be a blessing.
You come back.
A body on the Earth's surface
is always pulled towards you.
Are you hurt?
I don't think so. Are you?
I don't think so.
My name is Wicks.
Gerald Beresford Wicks.
How do you do.
- How do you do.
I live here.
In that tree, you mean?
- No.
No. I just read a chapter on gravity and
inanimate objects. I was trying it out.
- In the tree.
Oh, I see.
Do you mind if I get out
and inspect the damage?
No. Please do.
Are you sure you're not hurt?
Oh, I think the only thing that
is broken in that fence of yours.
You are very calm. Most girls
would have been hysterical.
You must have plenty of nerve.
- Nerve?
You'd be surprised.
I must look awful.
You .. said you wanted
to inspect the damage.
That's what I'm doing.
Well, that is very strange.
You nearly kill yourself but only worry
about a smudge on the nose or something.
What was that?
There. Is that better?
Oh yes. It's ..
Just kind of ..
- Cute?
No. Messy.
Oh, you're not very polite.
Are you.
Yes, I am. As a rule.
But you see, I'm on to your game.
- They all try it.
Who all tries what?
All the women I know.
To be cute or fascinating.
But .. I saw through you
almost immediately.
You're a reporter, aren't you?
No, I'm not a reporter.
I would like to sit down
over there. May I?
Yes, please do.
Are you sure you haven't
a camera with you?
No, I haven't a camera.
My, you're suspicious.
And I am not a reporter.
- Oh.
What kind of a girl are you anyway?
Well I'm a Dr Jekyll and
Mr Hyde-ish kind of a girl.
When I do things like
smashing through that fence ..
It's the Tilly Specnagle
in me coming out.
The which?
- Tilly Specnagle.
See, when I was a kid and did bad things
like stealing jam or breaking windows.
I always said it was a
bad little kid named ..
Tilly Specnagle.
As a rule, I'm a very well behaved
young lady named Mona Carter.
But Tilly is always
there under the surface.
Waiting to crash through.
But I don't understand why ..
- I was driving on your private road?
Well, I'll tell you.
It seems kinda foolish now but I'd heard
fantastic things about you and grandma.
Oh, yes. Everybody has. Go on.
So I wanted to meet you.
I wanted to see what a "perfect
specimen" really looked like.
I'm sorry I had to smash
your fence to do it.
Well then, you must be the other kind.
- What other kind?
A designing woman.
Why, I haven't a designing
bone in my body.
I wouldn't have ..
I wouldn't have ..
Well, I've seen you now. I'm going home.
You don't think much of me, I take it?
- No. I think you're dull and conceited.
Do you?
- Yes.
I don't think I'm conceited.
Well, I hope it gets you home alright.
- My goodness, but you're hospitable.
Seems there's not much damage.
- How do you know?
I'm a master mechanic.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Yes, you would be.
I'm going to have a look at
the steering knuckle for you.
Have you some tools under the seat?
- Yes, sure.
There you are.
- Oh yes. Thank you.
What made you say just now
that I was dull and conceited?
Have you ever been tight?
Of course not.
Ever see a burlesque show?
Certainly not.
Ever kiss a girl?
Now listen, young lady.
Don't you start anything.
I can't afford to be compromised.
- You can't afford to be compromised?
And you say you're not conceited. Ha.
Hey, listen.
Why not get out in the world
and mix with the common herd?
You don't know what you're missing.
Are you really so fragile you have
to stay cooped up here all the time?
Did you ever think of running away?
Where to?
Anywhere. Just away.
Give the world a chance.
Get out and at it like an ordinary man.
Not an heir to forty million dollars.
Thirty. Not forty.
Oh, that's tough.
Besides, what is it that's so terribly
exciting or interesting outside?
Nothing happens here or anywhere
else that isn't dull and boring.
At least, almost nothing.
Would you like to stay a little longer?
Why, Mr Wicks. Don't tell
me you are unbending?
Well you see, I'm not really.
You said yourself.
- Oh.
You are the height of something or other
but I can't waste time to find out what.
I think if you try now
she'll run alright.
Thank you.
This is not Union Terminal.
Those are shots!
Somebody is shooting.
- Who? - I don't know.
My word.
- Don't get excited.
Excited? Look ..
And don't you tell me
not to be suspicious.
I'm suspicious of everyone except
you of course. - Thank you.
And you are too simple for
anyone to be suspicious of.
Well come along, come along.
What are you dallying for?
Well, it still looks like
life imprisonment to me.
What you need to do is to
tilt at a windmill or two.
Tilt a windmill?
Haven't you ever read Don Quixote?
Oh yes, the man who fought the windmill?
- Yes. Try it.
If you ever feel like hopping over the
wall, remember you've a friend outside.
Who, you?
- No.
Tilly Specnagle.
She'd love to help an escaped convict.
So long.
Here! Driver, come back here at once.
Come back here! Grattan, get her number.
Oh! Oh, look at you.
Are you hurt, Gerald? What is all this?
Well it is an accident, Grandma.
- Whose accident?
Well this young lady was coming ..
- Well, what was she doing here?
Why wasn't she killed?
Anyone making a silly mistake
like that. Who are you?
Mona Carter is my name.
You are "Grandma", I suppose?
You have no right to suppose anything.
What are you doing here?
What did you crash through my fence for?
What's the meaning of this?
If you quit roaring for a
second I will tell you.
Don't you tell me what to do.
What do you mean by tearing across the
country crashing into people's fences?
And what is the meaning of all this?
Are you sure you are not hurt, dear?
Of course he isn't.
Neither am I, thank you.
I didn't ask you.
- But I was telling you.
You don't have to tell me
anything. Look at that fence.
You will have to pay, you know.
Grandma, how can you possibly ask that?
- You see. He is hurt. He's hoarse.
I'm not .. I'm not hoarse.
And I am not hurt.
Miss Carter couldn't help
coming through the fence.
That's a very steep gradient up
there and her steering gear broke.
She might have been injured.
That's a private road. Will you tell
me what she was doing on it?
Well, she ..
- She's got designs?
She has no designs
and it was an accident.
She is good looking, isn't she.
Answer your grandma.
Well yes, she is. Fairly.
Well, there you are then.
She's got designs.
Grattan, take here number.
- I have her number, Mrs Wicks.
Well, take it again and
look at her license.
Young lady, this is a very,
very unpleasant affair.
Don't worry about it.
I want you to understand that
you are really in a plight.
A sort of a pickle. A predicament.
A spot?
Oh no, no. That's not the word.
It's from the Latin. A dilemma.
Yes. Let me see your driver's licence.
Yes, certainly. I didn't realize
I was going so fast, officer.
You see, there was a car between
me and that boulevard stop sign.
Not really? Oh, how terrible.
Why, you might have been hurt.
Why didn't you honk your horn?
But there's no boulevards.
This is a private ..
I see. I'm not an officer. No.
Let me see your driver's
licence, please.
Let me see now.
Here is a birth certificate.
A dog licence.
Here is my new suit.
No, really? How effective.
Sort of plaid, isn't it?
- Yes.
You'll have it made very plain?
With padded shoulders and
the one button. You know.
It is going to be very becoming.
Her new licence, Mrs Wicks. Yes.
Let me see the driving suit,
will you. The outfit.
Where am I?
Where did you get the material?
Stratford's in Providence.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
$3.50 a yard.
- No?
Just stealing, isn't it.
- For nothing.
Bestford, Pennsylvania. I know it well.
My sister used to live there.
- Really?
They still have a cannon
by the soldier monument?
And the flagpole with the
flag? What do you know.
Tell me, does Frank Chamberson
still run the Commercial House?
Her driver's licence, Mrs Wicks.
Right young lady, what have
you to say for yourself?
I didn't know it was allowed.
What's allowed?
- For anyone to talk but you.
The girl is impudent.
I'm awfully sorry. Grandma is upset.
- That's alright.
I had a good time believe it or not.
Did you really?
- Hmm.
Don't forget what I
said about windmills.
You had better start on her.
I never saw a bigger one.
What's she saying to him?
Something about windmills.
Then do something.
- I'll write it down.
Will you?
Well, you think it over.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, everybody.
So long. Nice to have run into you.
Jink, I've got to talk to you.
Oh don't, Jink. You can't do that.
Oh yes I can. In fact, I've already
done it or maybe you didn't notice.
But you mustn't. I shouldn't
even be meeting you like this.
It's the only chance we've got.
That's the reason I took this job.
I know, but it isn't fair to Gerald.
- Oh, that ..
Say, when will you tell that stuffed-up
ego you're not engaged to him anymore?
Jink, you've got him all wrong.
He's alright. He's very nice really.
If you would go away it would
make it much easier for me.
I don't want to make
it easier, but tougher.
That's the guy I am. Say the word
and I'll go up to the house and ..
It isn't Gerald I'm worried about.
It's grandma Wicks.
Well, she's been set on my
marrying him since I was sixteen.
Yeah, I get it. The "perfect wife"
for the "perfect specimen".
Well, she is my guardian.
Yes, and if she cuts you off, bang
go my chances of being supported ..
In the manner to which I have
never been accustomed.
Look what's coming
around the mulberry bush.
Gerald. I've got to go.
Wait a minute.
Don't forget. Tomorrow at the same time.
Hey you!
Where do you think you
are going in that car?
I said, get out of that car.
Who do you think ..
50 cents an hour running this don't pay
me to think. Come on. Get out of my car.
Oh, is this your car?
- Certainly. Down to the last rattle.
Well, that makes quite
a difference doesn't it.
I wonder if I can borrow it.
I want to pay a visit.
If you can stay away
a year you can have it.
I only want it until tonight.
Will you rent it?
- How much?
Well, twenty-five dollars.
That's pretty near all I've got.
It's a deal.
And I say my man, don't mention
that you saw me, will you.
Very well, my good fellow. And if you
don't come back it will be too soon.
I said if you give her plenty of oil she
will take you to the top of the world.
Oh, good. That's where I am going.
Oh, Mr Grattan. Mr Grattan!
Mr Grattan!
What happened? Don't yell in this house
so early in the morning. What is it?
Something terrible has happened.
- What is it?
Are you sure?
- Yes, sir.
My word.
Did you look in his clothes closet?
- Yes, sir.
In his laundry room?
- Yes, I did.
Well I know where he is. In his bathtub.
Did you look in his bathtub?
- I looked, sir.
Well he must be somewhere.
I am absolutely certain of that.
Aren't you?
- Undoubtedly, sir.
I'll see for myself.
- Yes.
What is it, Grattan?
What's the matter with you?
What? Oh nothing, Mrs Wicks.
Nothing is the matter at all except, you
know, this world is full of calamities.
We're surrounded on all sides by fires,
floods, earthquakes and accidents.
Do you realize two lives are snuffed out
violently every minute of every hour?
What are you trying to say?
You mustn't get excited, Mrs Wicks.
You mustn't get overwrought.
You must compose yourself.
That's all. Compose yourself.
I know you.
Something is wrong.
Something has happened to Gerald.
Has it? Oh, to Gerald?
That's what I was leading up to.
As a matter of fact, Gerald has
disappeared. He is nowhere to be found.
What do you mean "nowhere to be found"?
- I mean we can't find him anywhere.
Have you looked?
I give you my word we've searched
this estate with a grappling ..
With one of those currycombs
and we cannot find him.
Well, he's got to be found.
Don't tell me that he can drop out
of sight in the middle of the day.
Perhaps he's run away.
- Don't be ridiculous.
What would he do that for?
Hasn't he got everything in
the world here that he ..
Now, you must keep cool.
You mustn't get excited.
He's been kidnapped. That's what.
Well, don't stand there like
a couple of nincompoops.
Do something!
Telephone the G-Men or whatever
their ridiculous names are.
The G-Men?
- Call the police!
Call. Yes.
Aunt Leona.
Do you think the girl who crashed in to
the fence has anything to do with it?
You might be right.
Whatever gave you that idea?
The police station?
I must speak to the Chief.
This is Wicks Utility speaking.
We at the house here have ..
An idea that something has happened
to young Mr Wicks. Hold the line.
Yes .. yes .. yes!
He's been kidnapped.
Yes. He's been kidnapped I tell you.
No, I haven't any photograph.
No, he has never had one taken.
Because I wouldn't allow it.
What does he look like?
Why, he's ..
Male and six foot one.
Who's not cooperating?
I'm not yelling!
I've had enough of your impertinence.
You find my grandson.
[ Car horn ]
[ Car horn ]
Alright. Alright, young fellow.
I ain't deaf.
Can I fill her up?
No thank you. I'm looking
for the Carter residence.
Well you can take your choice. There
is a whole flock of them round here.
There's Joe Carter.
He runs the feed-mill.
And then there's H.P. He's in the bank.
And old Doc Carter.
Old Doc, he's dead.
But his widow lives right over ..
The one I'm looking for has a daughter.
They all got daughters.
- Oh.
Well, this daughter is
rather good looking.
Well, why didn't you say so?
That's Professor Carter's girl.
And when you just say she's
just rather good looking ..
You'd better get yourself
a pair of cheaters, son.
Yes. Well, where does she live?
- Who?
Professor Carter's daughter.
Well, now don't get peevish.
How can I tell you where she lives if
you don't let me get a word in edgeways?
Now you take this street.
The first road out of town
you turn to your right.
You'll see a big brown
house. That ain't it.
Then you keep on going until
you come to an oak tree.
Behind that oak tree you
will see a white house.
Now, if they ain't painted that
some other color, that's it.
Well, there is a picket fence round it.
You can't miss it anyway.
If you've good eyesight.
Alright. Thanks very much.
Say, do you play golf?
Yes, sometimes. Why?
I've got something here I invented.
Ain't that a beaut?
Yes. What is it?
That's a streamlined golf ball.
That's what that is.
That's the second model.
The first one I had almost perfected.
I tried it out one morning.
About a 4-foot putt.
Well, I ain't seen it since.
I don't get the chance to work on that
thing though, the way I ought to.
People pestering me
around here for oil and gas.
And want their cars fixed.
You don't know a good
mechanic out of work, do you?
No, I'm afraid I don't.
- I didn't think you would.
First to the right, did you say?
- Yep, yep.
Thanks very much. Here is
something for your trouble.
Oh, that's alright. I own this place.
Save your money, son.
Someday you can buy yourself
a set of streamlined golf balls.
Well, thanks anyway.
Something terrible has happened
in this household, my friends.
To someone very near
and very dear to all of us.
However. We have got
to meet the crisis bravely.
This is no time for weakness.
We must hide our feelings with a smile.
No crying, Maggie. I said with a smile.
Thank you.
So I'm going to ask you, each one of you
to return to your places immediately.
I personally will convey
your sympathies to Mrs Wicks.
You can appreciate her overwrought
condition realizing as we all do.
How her grandson and heir, in the hands
of the kidnappers at this very moment.
Is probably suffering untold tortures.
Mona. Here.
Put those in the new beds.
Give them plenty of water.
- Yes, father.
There is the phone, dear.
- Alright. I'll take it.
Yes, yes. This is Professor Carter.
They have?
Look out!
Well, I .. I can't believe that ..
I just can't believe it.
Well you might ask me
if I'm hurt. I asked you.
It's very obvious you're not.
Oh. Well, shall I go back and try again?
- No. Don't bother.
What is this? What happened to you?
I didn't know you had so
much nerve. I'm amazed.
Well, I'm pretty much amazed
myself as a matter of fact.
How did it happen?
- Oh, I was coming along and ..
Saw something that I thought interested
me and took my eyes off the road and ..
Zowee! It happened.
- Very funny.
How did you get out
of that satin-lined jail?
Through the hole you made in our fence.
- Why?
Well I've been thinking about Mona
and Tilly Specnagle you see.
And what you said about being cooped up.
- Oh.
And, I've been reading this too.
- Don Quixote - Yes.
I was pretty restless last night and ..
I got up early and saw the
hole in the fence and ..
Well, it is spring.
You know?
Oh Mona. Mona!
There's my father.
I'd like you to meet him.
Oh, I'd be delighted.
Chinese lily-poles have arrived
from China and I want to ..
I beg your pardon.
Father, I want you to meet
Mr Gerald Beresford Wicks.
This is my father, Professor Carter.
- How do you do.
Excuse me.
Glad to meet you, young man.
- Thank you, sir.
I must apologise.
- Not at all, not at all.
Always glad to have
Mona's friends drop in.
Yes. Thank you sir, but ..
I must apologise about
your fence. You see I ..
Fence? I don't see anything
wrong with the fence.
Why do you have to apologise for it?
- Right over there, father.
Mr Wicks had an accident.
Of course he couldn't help it.
His steering wheel broke and
he came crashing through.
Bless me, that is very unfortunate.
Well, I must apologise
to you, mister ..?
Mister ..?
- Wicks.
What for?
For having the fence there in the way.
Yes. I can see it is a distinct
menace to public safety.
I shall have it removed.
Mr Wicks has started
working on that already.
I've got some carpenter's
tools in the garage.
Thank you, sir.
It's very kind of you, but ..
He is kind and he's terrifically
famous. Aren't you, father?
Yes indeed.
Yes, he's a horticulturist and the
King of Sweden gave him a medal.
What did he give you a medal for?
For my study of psychological detail in
the development of the zygote colliagi.
What about that telephone call?
Oh. You know those Chinese lily bulbs?
That Professor Manheim
was going to send me?
Well, they've just come
in on the 5:12 local.
They are down at the station now.
- And you want me to get them?
Would you mind, dear?
- Okay, I'll change and see you later.
Chinese, did you say, sir?
- Yes, from China.
Well, that is very interesting.
- Yes. You will ..
You will excuse my excitement
won't you, mister ..
But these are the genuine
Mung Wort. Most rare.
Mung Wort?
- Yes.
Not the Mung Wort?
- Yes, from the Chiang Kiang era?
- Really?
That's amazing.
I doubt there's been more than a
few dozen imported into this country.
I know that. I know that but ..
Sorry to disturb you.
Oh, Mona. Mona.
He knows all about the Mung Wort.
- Yes. He would.
You see, most mills and
factories of Wicks Utilities ..
Have gardens planted around them and
I naturally had to learn horticulture.
You'd be surprised what
Mr Wicks has to learn, Dad.
Yes. He's a very worthy young man.
He must stay to dinner. Well, goodbye.
Oh, goodbye.
- Come on, Gerry.
He's pretty sweet, isn't he.
- He is.
He can sure give grandma lessons in how
to behave when people knock fences down.
Shall I get in first?
- Go ahead.
Bye, Dad.
Don't forget the early morning sun.
- No, I won't.
I want to thank you for all
the information you gave me.
Flash! From Radio News Service.
We interrupt all programs to
bring you a special bulletin.
An unverified report states
that Gerald Beresford Wicks ..
Heir to Wicks Utilities and the
thirty-million-dollar estate ..
Of the nationally famous eccentric
Mrs Leona Wicks is missing.
Feared kidnapped.
"Young Wicks, known the country
over as the Perfect Specimen."
"Disappeared at an early hour."
"Any information as
to his whereabouts .."
"Should be communicated to
your local police headquarters."
Grandma has unleashed the bloodhounds
already. What are you going to do?
I don't know.
I'm certain of one thing. I will not be
dragged back like a runaway schoolboy.
Now that you are a wanted man you
can't drive me home of course.
Maybe you could get near
enough to drop me off?
No, please. Look.
Just give me a few more hours,
will you? The rest of the afternoon.
Remember, your friend Tilly said she'd
always be my friend if ever I got out.
Well, you ask her and if she
says no, then I'll take you home.
Well, Mona would not encourage
you in your wickedness.
Tilly thinks it's okay.
So we'll go to the station by way of ..
East Shrewsbury.
Why East Shrewsbury?
- That's 3 hours out of the way.
Ah, fine. Thanks.
Hey, look out. Beat it.
Move over. Carefully.
Aren't they funny little things.
- Yes.
That's what Marco Polo said of them in
1272 when he first saw one in Turkistan.
Actually, there is a species in Asia ..
- Okay pal, I get it.
Gangway, fellahs! We're coming through.
Look out.
Dum de doo de doo da da dum de dee.
You're kinda having fun aren't you.
Yes, rather.
You know, when you learn to relax
you feel very snappy don't you.
Snappy. Yes.
You know a lot about
everything, don't you.
Well I have to. Someday I'll have
thousands of men in my employ.
Grandma thinks I ought to
be superior in every way.
Oh, and are you?
- Naturally.
Well, I asked for it.
Come on, get out of there!
What's the idea of hogging
the road like it was each other.
Maybe they're in love, Pinky.
- I'm in love with you, ain't I?
Ain't I?
- Yes.
Do I act dumb like that?
- You think you don't.
The middle of the road is
no place for a honeymoon.
[ Car horn ]
Get out of there!
Hmm. Spring. Smell it?
Wonderful. Everything
growing. Birds singing.
It may sound like birds to you but it
sounds to me like someone wants to pass.
Oh yes.
Hold on.
I'm going to knock him so far he'll
have to get on a comet to ride back.
Be careful, Pinky.
Pinkly, what are you going to do?
I'm going to fix that lug.
- No, stay in here.
Let me out of here.
- No, listen.
Let go of me, will you.
Stay with me. Pinky!
He seems a little piqued, doesn't he.
- You exaggerate.
What's the idea, you punk?
I beg your pardon, we were just ..
- What's your idea, you big ape?
You drove us off the road didn't you.
You stay out of this, sister.
Want to make something of it?
Stay out of this. You ain't the
first dame I ever smacked.
Oh, really, my good man. You can't
talk to a lady like that you know.
"My good man"?
Don't you "my good man" me, you squirt.
For two cents I'd drag you out of there.
Come on, get out of there.
You are making a big mistake you know.
Come on. Come on!
Pinky! Oh Pinky.
Gerry, you're crazy.
Well I had to do it.
- Oh.
Come on.
For that, I'll wipe the road with you.
- Please don't.
Get out of the car
and take off your coat.
I really don't want to spar
with you, you know.
Spar with me?
I'm only going to knock your block off,
that's all. Come on, get out of there.
Come on.
Well if you insist.
- Gerry, don't.
Come on, get out of there.
Come on, get that coat off.
You're going to get good and dirty.
- Very well.
I don't want to get no powder on it.
Come on, let's go back in the truck.
Go on.
Gerry, you're crazy. He'll kill you.
Look out, Pinky. Hit him.
Watch it. Wait a minute.
I've got something.
Oh! Gee whiz.
Grandma, I think you've
got something there.
Gee whiz.
What happened, Pinky? Did he trip you?
You ought to be ashamed of
yourself, you big sissy.
Come on, Pinky. Get up. Come on.
Be a man, get up will you, darling.
- Mona, look at this.
This is a surprise. The first
one I've seen this year.
A perfect specimen of tallio polyphemus.
Pretty isn't it.
They're quite rare around here too. They
feed on birch, oak, any kind of wood.
Why don't you let him finish his dinner?
- Yes.
Come on Pinky, get up.
Get up will you, Pinky.
You're not dead.
Be a man. Get up for me.
I say, I hope I haven't
hurt you seriously.
Shall I give you a hand up?
- Come on. That's the boy.
Get up on your feet.
I'll fix you, you lug.
Are you alright, Pinky? Oh, jeepers.
Pinky. Pinky, you ought to be ashamed
hitting him when he was helping you up.
Who is hitting anybody? I ain't.
I ain't never seen
nothing like that before.
Yeah, and you never saw a
rabbit spit dynamite before either.
What weight to you fight at?
- I don't fight.
I suppose you just kissed
this eye on me, huh?
Who taught you to punch?
- Maxie Bain. Do you like it?
Maxie Bain, the ex-champ?
- Yes.
Why didn't you tell me you was a pro
before you started picking on me?
I thought I was good, but Maxie Bain ..
Well of course I don't
fight professionally.
Well, what are you
training with him for?
Well, one day I'll be the head of ..
- He trains for exercise.
For exercise?
Oh yes. Exercise.
Listen. My name is Pinky Cassidy.
And I know when I'm licked.
How do you do, Mr Cassidy.
This is my dame, Clarabelle Murphy.
- Pleased to meet you.
Thank you. Pleased to
meet you, Miss Murphy.
This is Miss Mona Carter
and my name is Gerald ..
- Gerald?
To think that a guy named
"Gerald" should give me this.
You got a fist like a block of cement.
You ought to see your eye.
- Yeah. Here, look.
Holy mackerel.
Get a load of that shiner.
Hot compresses are very good, you know.
- Or raw beefsteak.
Where are you going to get beefsteak?
- There is a cow over in that field.
Gee Tricky, this is terrible.
Oh, it will be alright in a few days.
Oh, it ain't that.
In an hour I'm supposed
to have a fight again.
What do you do, have a fight every hour?
You don't understand.
We're on our way to a picnic
of the Truckman's Local.
You know, dancing music, eats and beer.
It's swell.
- It sounds swell.
And the best thing on the
program is the prize-fight.
Yeah, and Pinky was going to get
150 bucks for fighting a headliner.
And we were going to take
the money and get married.
And if he don't he might change
his mind again probably.
He's awful good at changing
his mind fast. Ain't you, Pinky?
What are you talking about?
Of course, you might not win, you know.
- Listen.
That pushover's been knocked out so many
times he's named "Canvas-Back Malone".
I could kiss him cold with a cough.
- See, we never get the breaks.
Perhaps I can help you?
- How?
Well, I could substitute for him.
You know, I could
fight this fellow for you.
Would you do that, Tricky?
I'd be delighted to, Pinky.
Well, what a pal. Shake, pal.
Thanks, pal.
But we're up against a stone
wall. We're in the dark.
We don't know what he looks like.
We can't take another step
without a picture of him.
Any kind of photograph will do.
Oh, you are as stupid man.
I've said a hundred times that he
has never had is photograph taken.
Besides what do you want a photograph
for? I've told you what he looks like.
Mrs Wicks, may I suggest something?
- No.
Oh. Well.
It's just that as long as this "sleuth",
that is the technical term isn't it?
Yes, "sleuth".
As long as he feels that a photograph
is necessary, I have one.
Well then, what you standing
there gabbing for? Go and get it.
Of course, yes.
Oh yes, the photograph.
Excuse me. Yes of course.
Was it about 7:30 in the morning?
- Yes, sir.
Are you sure that he slept in his bed?
What a silly question.
- Yes, madam?
Is my grandson in the habit
of sleeping on the floor?
No, madam. Certainly not.
Very well then. We can
presume he slept in his bed.
Here we are.
Oh, lovely.
You say that any photograph of my
grandson will help you to find him?
Just so it's clear.
Very well then. There you are.
Now go and bring him back.
Say Pinky, what's the
matter with the lamp?
You tried a blacked monocle?
I was chopping wood for my grandmother
and a stick flew up and bit me.
Here's down the highway, folks.
- Your very good health.
Come on Pinky, I'll race you.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The big fight starts in five minutes.
Gee, I hope your boyfriend wins.
- Oh, so do I.
Have you been engaged to Pinky for long?
He proposes every day.
Pinky don't care for frills.
All I want to do is get my
hands on that 150 smackers.
I'm practically Mrs Pinky
Cassidy right now.
Here's two seats, right there.
- Come on.
Sad to announce Canvas-Back Malone ..
Cut his hand on a beer glass and
won't be able to fight the main event.
But we will have a main
event just the same.
And in place of Canvas-Back
Malone we have as a substitute.
None other than the undefeated
State heavyweight champion.
The man with murder in both hands:
Chloroform Conley.
Wait a minute, Tricky.
I ain't going to let you do it.
You ain't got a chance with that guy.
Chloroform is still paying off the
widow of the last guy he fought.
I don't mind. In fact,
I rather like to spar.
But it's dangerous.
Don't worry. I won't hurt him.
You won't hurt him?
Come on, we mustn't keep them waiting.
You won't live long.
Who is your chaperone, Pinky?
Pinky, they're slipping
a ring around you.
You knew all about that.
- Then why don't you do something?
Tricky offered to fight
for you, not die for you.
You said we wanted to
get married, didn't you?
Sure, but do you think I want to see
this guy's ghost haunt me every night?
It's murder.
- Ah, forget it.
- Never mind.
Chloroform Conley.
Here goes my wedding ring.
Ladies and gentlemen.
May I present .. ten rounds .. or less.
In this corner at 180
pounds: Tricky Berry.
And in this corner at 197 pounds:
Chloroform Conley.
Referee, our good friend and
pal, Sheriff Bill Snodgrass.
Come on, boys. You know
the rules. No low punches.
In the case of knock-down
go to a neutral corner.
When the bell rings, come
out fighting. Shake hands.
How do you do.
Get back. Get back. Get back.
Oh yes.
Are you nervous Clarabelle?
- Nervous? I'm shaking like an aspirin.
I felt the same once when I saw two guys
walk a tightrope between two buildings.
They almost made it.
- Yeah.
Say, you in love with Tricky?
Of course not.
- That's what you think.
Hey. You sure your boyfriend didn't have
a rock in his hand when he hit Pinky?
I think I'll get him
some smelling salts.
Go out and get that
monkey wrench. It's safer.
Have you got St Vitus' dance?
No, no. Very kind of you to ask though.
Looks like there dancing.
- Yeah, it's a waltz marathon.
Mary, I can dance with you?
Look at the stiff. Why don't
they break them apart?
They look like the Siamese twins.
Go on, Tony. Play a waltz.
Take your partner.
Get back in your corner.
What's the matter?
Did you hurt your hand?
No, it's alright. Why?
Why don't you sock him like
you socked me on the road?
That was different.
I was annoyed with you but this
Chloroform seems like a nice fellow.
He's making you look silly out there.
Why don't you kill that daffy guy?
Alright. You catch him
for me and I'll sock him.
You ladies enjoying yourselves?
Did you learn that 50-yard
dash from grandma?
Yes. How did you know?
If I could just lay one on him
once I'd blast his ears off.
I've got an idea.
Now. In this round ..
Hello baby.
Your boyfriend is certainly afraid of
getting his pan messed up, ain't he.
And you?
- No ..
Too bad you ain't got a handle
on you to carry you out with.
One .. two .. three.
Stay down, Tricky.
Take the count you sap.
Seven .. eight.
Get back to your corners.
Get back to you corner, you.
You're out in front a mile.
It's going swell, Chloroform.
Listen kid, let me throw in the towel.
You can't go back in with that gorilla.
I must stay in.
This Mr Conley is a very
deceiving character.
Besides, he'll think he beat me.
He'll think?
Wait a minute. Sheriff, come here.
Wait a minute, I'll be
right with you. Hey John.
What do you want Jeff?
- Come up here and sub for me.
Wait a minute, Barney.
Something has happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, the balance of the
fight will be refereed by John Philips.
I have to leave.
What's the matter, Sheriff?
There has been a big kidnapping.
Gerald Beresford Wicks.
They've got a dragnet out all over
the United States and Canada.
We've got orders to watch
all roads, stop all cars.
They say there is a woman in the gang.
Apparently, it's my duty as Sheriff
of this county to assist the search.
Carry on, John.
So long, son. I hope
you get away with it.
Thanks. So do I. I say, do you think
you will find this Wicks person?
Find him? Listen, if he's within a
hundred miles of here I'll smell him.
Hey, Sheriff.
See if you can fix this
ticket for me, will you?
See me at the next election.
What's the matter with you?
This ain't the last round.
It is for you, old chap.
Excuse me old chap.
You're rather disadvantaged.
Five .. six.
Where you doing?
Confidentially, the police are after me.
- Why didn't you say? Girls, come on.
Great punch, old boy.
Hiya, Sheriff.
- Hello, Pinky.
You looking for somebody?
I'm looking for the gang that
grabbed off young Wicks.
Ain't seen him, have you?
- Sure.
I got a whole truck load of them. Hey.
You missed the
excitement after you left.
What happened, did Chloroform kill him?
Kill him?
Tricky knocked him colder
than a traffic cop's heart.
And in the next round too.
But I got to get going. So long.
So long, Pinky.
Okay Pinky, all clear.
Front wheel is alright.
Take it easy now.
Easy, easy.
That's the boy, Tricky.
- That was swell.
Goodbye Pinky. And good luck
and thanks a lot. Goodbye Clara.
Tricky, I don't know what
you done and don't care.
All I know is you're a right
guy and a square shooter.
And that goes for Clarabelle too.
Don't it?
- It sure does, Tricky.
When you get to Sing Sing drop
us a postal card, will you?
Oh, yes. Sing Sing. I will.
Hey. I feel like a tramp
taking this money.
You sure you don't need it?
- No. Buy yourself a wedding present.
Goodbye, and good luck.
- Take a dollar for gas anyway.
Alright, I will. Goodbye,
- Goodbye.
Good luck.
- Good luck. Goodbye.
There sure goes a couple
of hundred-percenters.
What are you sniffling about?
We got the 150 smackers didn't we?
I'll take care of them,
Mr Pinky Cassidy.
Don't I get none?
- Sure. Two dollars.
For the marriage license.
Description number 1. Female. White five
feet 2 inches. 108 pounds approximately.
Eyes blue. Teeth good.
Hello Baker. Close all
highways sections 17 to 12.
We got a good-looking
blond about 108 pounds.
Sorry, but all I can do is connect
you with the Secretary of State.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to speak to any secretary.
I want to talk to the President.
He's what?
You meant to say that Wicks Incorporated
pays 2 million dollars a year in tax ..
So he can go to sleep in
the middle of the day?
Wake him up.
Well, what do you think of life
now outside the big fence?
Marvellous. Grandma, Wickstead.
They seem like a thousand miles away.
Do you mind?
You know, it's strange. But I love it.
- It is strange.
What are you thinking about?
I'm just wondering if a man can be
arrested for kidnapping himself.
Sure. And I'd be the woman in the case.
Tilly the bob-haired bandit.
It will be alright if we
go to the same jail.
Oh, look.
- The law.
The law?
That looks like our goose is cooked.
- Cooked? It's burnt to a crisp.
What are you going to do?
Do? We're going through with it.
- Through?
Yes. Are you game, Tilly?
Well, go ahead. I'm with you, kid.
Alright. Hold on. Here we go.
Hold tight.
Are you alright?
- Yes. You?
Oh, we're really in
trouble now. Go faster.
Mona would never stand
for a thing like this.
But Tilly is having a wonderful time.
I think we'd better give up.
- Windmills!
I think we've shaken them off.
- Whoo.
I think we've shaken off
everything but the license plate.
Where did you learn to drive like that?
- Picked it up from one of our drivers.
Who is he? Barney Oldfield?
- No. Barney's assistant.
Have you any idea where we are?
- Nope.
I think we're the first two white people
to ever set foot in this wilderness.
Do you know what time it is?
- Nope.
You don't seem to care.
- Nope. I don't.
What about me? What about the bulbs
and father and all those silly things?
That will take a lot of explaining.
- Yes, I suppose it will.
You know, I like you.
Do you?
That's odd.
No it isn't. You're spoilt of course but
you have several quite good qualities.
Oh, what are they?
Well I can't think for the moment,
but I am sure you have.
I do like you.
Can you do something for me?
- Yes, anything.
Let's go on home.
Oh no. Why? Look,
it's such a lovely night.
The moon, the stars, everything.
- And the "perfect specimen".
Home, James.
Mona, please. We just started.
No, we got to go home.
- But please. - Look out!
Beautiful, isn't it.
Yes, it's lovely.
You know, it's a funny thing.
But I feel rather breathless.
Do you?
So do I.
Do you?
- Yes.
So do I.
Hey ho!
Hey, are you going my way?
How about giving me a lift?
How about a lift?
There is a man over there
that wants us to pick him up.
Should we?
- Well.
Do you think we should?
- Yes.
Well if you want to, alright.
Ah, right over here.
Blessings on you Samaritans. I ask for
a ride with you. My feet hurt. My feet.
Certainly, sir. If you wouldn't
mind riding in the back seat.
Being ever so humble. The back seat, the
front seat. I can ride in the rumble.
Thank you.
Can you manage?
- Yeah.
I'm a poet. My name is Killigrew
Shawe. Ever heard of me?
- No.
Nobody else has either.
Do you write poetry
for a living, Mr Shawe?
No. Only for my own amusement. But
when my feet hurt the muse departs.
When feet tingle, words will jingle.
Pretty good. I made it up myself.
Very good. You don't happen to know
where we are, do you Mr Shawe?
No. I have no idea where we are.
Just keep driving around and driving
around and you will come to my house.
I never know where I am.
It's alright.
Well here we are.
Welcome to Raven's Roost.
Is this your house?
- Yes. - It's so nice.
Do you like it? I designed it myself.
A few cracks and spots but it does
reflect my personality, don't you think?
Yes. I can see it does.
Now won't you and your wife
accept my hospitality overnight?
Well thank you, yes.
But you see we're ..
Well yes, you must be
tired, you must be tired.
"Darkness is falling.
It's too late to roam."
"This is no castle but
still it's my home."
Not bad for a fellow
with bad feet, is it?
Thank you. We'd love to accept.
Then come on, come on.
- We can't ..
We must. Where else can we go?
- I don't know but we can't here.
Mr Shawe.
- Yes?
Are you married?
- Yes. A marvellous woman.
Sends me $500 a month.
- Yeah. Alimony.
She goes away and comes back
and goes away and comes back.
She's a wonderful woman.
A lovely woman.
Why are you ringing the bell?
Oh, you never can tell. Burglars,
burglars. Go right in. Go right in.
Now this is the living room.
My wife collected these things from all
over the world. All over the world.
Hello, Lulu.
My wife designed everything.
She's very artistic you know. Very.
She's got great taste. She left me.
My house is yours.
There you are. This is my wife's room.
She always liked antiques and fancy
things like this little cupid here.
Smell that paint. I'll have
to shut this door again.
We're painting this room again. Here.
That's where I write all poems at night.
The fumes won't bother you
if you just shut the door.
But this isn't bad here.
It's kinda comfortable.
Though no suite at the Waldorf is this.
Discomfort vanishes
through married bliss.
I wrote that myself.
Oh, the night clothes. Here are
your night clothes over here.
Night clothes here for you. Yes.
And some in here for you.
Now go and wash your hands. The sink
is right down the hall, down the hall.
But Mr Shawe, we are not ..
Yes you are. You are going
to be perfectly comfortable here.
A lot of men have slept in that bed.
But we are not ..
- Goodnight.
A very fine bed. A very fine bed.
Good enough for any fellows.
Aha. Sleeping gently in the room above.
A young married couple. Deeply in love.
That man said the night
things were over there.
Yes. Here you are.
That paint is awful.
I suppose you have a
solution for that too?
Well, what are you going to do?
What is good enough for Longfellow
is good enough for me.
Mona, it has been fun today.
Really it has.
You know, I liked Pinky
and Clarabelle too.
Is it so strange to like someone?
No, I suppose not.
Well .. goodnight.
Am I really such a dull fellow?
Oh no, Gerry.
No, you're ..
You're ..
Let me see, what are you?
You're ..
I'll tell you in the morning. Goodnight.
Oh, Gerry.
Did you call me?
Don't forget to open a window.
Oh yes. Thanks.
That door is locked.
Let in will you, please.
What do you want?
I must get some air.
Well, jump out the window.
I can't, I'm sick.
Don't bother me. I want to go to sleep.
I'm sorry.
What's the matter? Gerry!
Gerry, what's the matter?
Are you sick?
Oh, the fresh paint. I forgot.
Poor kid. Come, I'll help you.
Gerry, Gerry. What an
awful thing to happen.
Are you alright?
Yes, I think so. I'll be alright now.
I just needed some fresh air.
I'm awfully sorry to trouble you.
I think if I can get back now though ..
- Oh, no you don't.
I'm not going to spend the night
dragging you along the floor.
Come on out here and get some fresh air.
It's silly of you not to tell me.
What you need is fresh air you know.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Oh, how do you do. It is just us.
Oh, these young married people.
I'll get you a blanket.
A dreadful thing for
you to suffer like that.
Why didn't you call me sooner?
Goodness me.
Here, take some water.
Is that better?
Yes thanks, Alicia.
Is that better?
That's much better.
Oh, Titania.
Oh, the flapjacks.
Oh, the flapjacks.
I've searched all the doxologies
to find words of apology.
I should have told you last night.
When my wife left the cook went also.
- She did?
That's too bad.
That's alright. They go away
together and come back together.
Oh, your wife will be back?
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Good morning everybody.
Good morning.
I didn't know you could cook.
- You didn't know he could cook?
Well that is, ever since we got married
we've been eating in hot-dog stands.
Haven't we, darling?
- Yes, dear.
Very unhealthy, very unhealthy.
Especially without mustard.
Where'd you learn how to cook?
Well, you see as head
of Wicks Utilities ..
A number of our factories must have
big cafeterias for the employees.
Skip it.
I'm glad I saw you fight
before I saw you cook.
"Oh, would I were the bride of a cook.
I'd sit all day with a book by a brook."
Very nice. Your feet
must feel much better.
No, It's the lovely pancakes. Delicious.
I've had ten of them. Very good.
Aren't they fine?
I've had so many I'm ashamed of myself.
That was delicious.
Is there anything you can't do?
Oh yes. I can't stand the smell
of paint fumes for one thing.
I wish I could prevail upon
you two to stay with me.
You especially. To cook for
me until my wife gets back.
We must go. Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you for your
company and the lovely breakfast.
Is there anything I can do?
Not a thing. I'll get my hat and coat.
- Yes.
Fine. Don't be long, dear.
- No, I won't darling.
There's a thing you can
do for me if you care to.
Anything at all. What is it?
Well, I hardly like to ask, you see.
But, I'm rather short of funds.
That's too bad.
I wonder if you'd cash a check for me.
- Oh, yes. Sure.
Sure. Anything up to fifty dollars.
I keep a fund round
here for the tourists.
Their checks don't cash.
They bounce back.
I like to do it. A sort
of weakness of mine.
I see. Yes. Well, look.
This is made out to me by a
friend by the name of "Wicks".
If I endorse the back
it will be alright.
I like to keep these for
a rainy day, you see.
I have a rubber stamp of my
own marked "insufficient funds."
It saves the trouble of
sending it to the bank.
Yes. Then of course If I keep it for a
time I can write poetry on the back.
Thank you.
- You are welcome.
Here are your bulbs, Professor.
Are you sure she didn't
come for them at all?
No, no. I didn't see
Miss Mona at all, Professor.
Are you sure you sent her?
- Of course I'm sure.
Now let me see.
Was it the day before
yesterday or yesterday?
Yes, it was yesterday.
Oh well, maybe she forgot.
You know, Mona is rather absent-minded.
I often have to remind her to remember
to tell me something I've forgotten.
You say there was a young man with her?
Oh no, you told me that.
I haven't seen her.
Oh dear, they will
mildew if they get wet.
What? Never heard of people
mildewing. Wet or not.
Well maybe I can find them somewhere.
Professor, here's your bulbs.
Good gracious. I forgot them didn't I.
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
What's the matter, cat get your tongue?
What's the matter?
You started out alright but you've
been getting grumpier and grumpier.
I'm not grumpy.
I'm just thinking.
What about?
Well, about windmills.
The kind you can't lick.
Who can't lick them?
I can lick any windmill.
I'm not thinking about you.
I'm thinking about me.
Oh, hello. So, you've got
a windmill too, huh?
A female windmill.
I didn't know about it until last night.
Maybe I'm wrong
but I think it's raining.
Yes, you're right.
We'd better get out of this.
Yes, sir?
Good afternoon.
I'm travelling in underwear.
- I'm a salesman.
What do you sell?
- That's it. Underwear. Hairbrushes.
Frying pans, anything you like.
I get you now.
You drummers are sure
great kidders aren't you.
What can I do for you?
Well, I have my demonstrator.
With me. She's outside.
I see.
What does she demonstrate? Frying pans?
Never mind about that.
Have you a suite available?
A what?
- A suite.
4 or 5 rooms, a bath and a good big fire
so we can get these things dried out.
That's not a suite, 4 or 5 rooms.
Why, that's a floor.
Where is your baggage?
I haven't got any baggage.
Has to be an advance then. 2 bucks each
and a quarter extra to use the radio.
Aright. Fine.
Holy smoke, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
You haven't been on
the road long, have you.
G.B. Berry and companion.
Oh, no. You will have to
register your wife too.
Mr and Mrs G.B. Berry.
Scranton, Pennsylvania.
That's better.
Here you are. Rooms 41 and 42.
Right at the top of the stairs.
Thank you.
They didn't have a suite but I
did manage to get two rooms.
There goes Mona's reputation.
I knew Tilly would get
her in debt someday.
Maybe we'd better burn the place down.
Yes, I could always pay
for it later I suppose.
I believe you would.
[ Door knocks ]
Oh, you're the man.
Here is your grub.
What is it, a roast ox?
- No, just sandwiches.
Well, I'll settle for those.
You got your duds there. The lady's
will be here in a few minutes.
You'll like the sandwiches. Right out of
the caf. I eat them myself on holidays.
I'll try them myself.
Who is it?
G.B. Berry of Scranton paging
Mrs Scranton. Mrs Berry I mean.
Go away. I'm taking a nap.
Oh, you'll be sorry if I do.
Are you up?
Of course I'm up. I'm half dressed.
I've got some food here.
Oh good. What kind?
- Sandwiches, the boy said.
I don't care what he
said. Bring them in.
Grub. For madam.
Merci, garon.
And pardon the disarray,
s'il vous plat.
Seulement, madame.
Est ce que voulez, a va?
Ah, you would show me up
with that fancy French of yours.
Ah, you look so attractive.
- I bet I do.
We both look like a couple of
Indians from a wild-west show.
Here is the lady's ..
Me big Indian chief.
Got 500 wives.
Look. You. Sick. Squaw. Camp-fire.
Eat quick. Make it snappy.
Okay pal, we'll have a picnic. What
do you say chief rain-in-the-face?
Big picnic.
Who wants dog?
I'm hungry too.
I loved that rain. Didn't you?
I've never had so much fun in my life.
- Eat.
- Yours is ham too?
Yes. It's ham.
I must tell you something.
I'm getting awfully fond of you.
Terribly fond of you.
I'm ..
You shouldn't talk like that
with that funny blanket on.
It ain't believable.
- Mona. Be serious, will you.
I must tell you this.
These sandwiches stink, don't they?
But I want to tell you.
But yesterday and today were the two
most marvelous days I've had in my life.
I never knew that people and
things and life out here ..
On the outside could
be so exciting and ..
Mona, do you think that we ..
I mean ..
I mean ..
Gosh, I wish I could say what I mean.
Oh, Gerry.
We'd better go.
Yes, but listen to me, Mona.
- Oh, Gerry.
I love you.
I think I've loved you ever since that
day you came crashing through the fence.
- Was it? - Hmm.
Well I don't care if it was
five minutes ago, darling.
I love you. Terribly.
For keeps.
Darling. Do you care?
Oh, Gerry.
Care for you?
[ Radio: ]
"This program is interrupted by the
Bureau of the Department of Justice."
"Which is engaged in a search for the
kidnappers of Gerald Beresford Wicks."
"The last person to see the missing heir
was his fiance, Miss Alicia Brackett."
"The only clue to the
identity of the culprits."
"Is the following description of a
suspected woman member of the gang .."
That's that.
I guess you had better
go home to Alicia.
But, darling.
I'm not in love with Alicia.
- You are engaged to her, aren't you?
Yes, but ..
Last night in your sleep
you called out her name.
I did?
- Yes, you did.
That's the windmill you
said you couldn't lick.
Yes, it is.
I .. I forgot about it a moment ago.
Oh Gerry.
I meant what I said
about caring for you.
But what?
I don't know. Just "but".
But that doesn't make sense.
I know it doesn't.
But I really meant what I said.
Now you had better go.
Go where?
- Home, of course.
I'm not going home and nor are you.
- You've got to.
They're hunting for you.
- I don't care if they're hunting me.
Oh, shut up!
Why don't you practice what you preach?
All that talk about windmills.
And look at you.
Head up.
Eyes front.
Now you hurry up.
I'm going down to see
if the clothes are ready.
See you in a minute, darling.
It's stopped raining. Are you coming?
Oh, I don't think I'm going to marry you
after all. You take too long to dress.
Are you coming?
May I come in?
Say, did you see ..?
- Your wife?
Yes. She came down those
stairs like a shot out of a gun.
Asked when the next bus left.
Crying too. Too bad, mister.
Mona, please.
Mona, you can't do this.
Mona, I've got to talk to you.
I must talk to you. Do you understand?
Mona, please.
And you know, that is a
very workmanlike job.
Are you a carpenter by trade?
- No, I just picked it up.
Well, you've worded here quite a while.
You know, I feel I ought
to pay you something.
Don't bother about that.
As for time, I've got plenty of that.
As a matter of fact
I'm looking for a job.
You don't know of any do you?
- What kind of a job?
Any sort. I know quite a lot about
horticulture. You need an assistant?
I'm afraid there isn't enough
work here for two people.
Besides, Mona helps me
whenever I need any help.
Yes, I see. She'll be
back soon, won't she?
- Mona.
- Yes.
Are you a friend of hers?
- Well, I think so.
You remember me, don't you?
Yes, yes of course.
You're the young man
that brings the fertiliser.
No. That must be someone else.
I'm the one who ran through the fence.
The fence?
- Yes, you remember.
Oh yes, yes.
Mona is out.
She's going to Europe.
What? To Europe?
- Now, was it Europe?
Oh no. I was thinking of the time
she came back from Europe.
No. Mona has gone ..
She has gone to visit some friends.
That's it. Some friends, yeah.
When did she leave?
- This morning.
Or was it yesterday morning?
No, it was this morning.
Yesterday morning she got
back from her last trip.
And she left today
just before you arrived.
She seemed very much distressed.
You don't know where those
friends are, I suppose?
No, I don't. But she will be back in
two or three weeks. Does that help?
Well, not very much. I suppose
you're sure she will be back?
Of course I'm sure.
She's got to come back.
She lives here.
- Oh.
Will you come in the house and wait?
Oh, no thanks. I'd better start looking
for that job. We'll finish this first.
Well, I hope you find a good one.
Let's finish this job now.
Hello. How do you do.
What do you mean, sneaking in here?
You scared the daylights out of me.
What do you want?
- You remember me?
Oh, it's you is it.
Did you find that Carter house?
Yes, but she wasn't home.
Remember the mechanics job you spoke
about a few weeks ago? Is it still open?
Maybe. Why? Do you know someone?
- Yes.
You? Uhuh.
What did I tell you about
frittering your money away.
Do you know anything about motors?
Yes, quite a bit. I think.
Anyway, you could try me and if I'm no
good you won't have to pay me at all.
You see, look. I could take
care of the whole place.
Look after the cars and everything so
you have the time to devote to that ..
"Streamlines gold ball", wasn't it?
Oh, I gave that up.
I started out on a new nutcracker.
But the thing developed so fast that I
called it Hooker's Patented Alarm.
You set this timepiece. When it goes
off, that mallet strikes you here ..
And that one whacks you there.
Just naturally knocks you right out
of bed. You can't help but get up.
What do you think of it?
Well .. it's phenomenal.
You know, I think you've
got something there.
It beats the world.
- Beats?
Say, you're alright. "Beats the world".
There is a good slogan.
Hooker's Patented Alarm beats the world.
- Yes.
Well, what are you standing
around for? Get to work.
Well I've started already.
I just sold some gas
outside there. Look.
Here is the money, the dough.
We're going to get along alright.
New York Express. There is
no statement from the press yet.
I am so sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
I don't know how I tolerate all this.
Making such a mess of my house.
- Yes.
A cafeteria in the daytime
and a barracks at night.
I am still convinced that that sassy
brat who crashed through our fence ..
Had something to do with
Gerald's disappearance.
Definitely, Mrs Wicks. Definitely.
Well, why can't you
remember her address?
It's shocking, isn't it.
I had it in my notebook.
You remember the little notebook?
It was right in the middle of the page.
Somebody tore out the page.
And I've been thinking and thinking
ever since to try and recall it.
I thought I had it the day before
yesterday so I rushed to the address.
The whole place looked
very familiar. And then I ..
I discovered it's the
house I used to live in.
Oh, there is foul play here
somewhere, Mrs Wicks.
Who does he want? Oh. Just a second.
Alfred. The Wicks National
bank is calling you.
Thank you. For me?
Yes, take it.
- Of course, yes.
Hello? Yes. Yes, Yes, Yes.
Oh, how awful.
My word, that's terrible.
What is?
- It's terrible.
What is?
- They've found Gerald.
Found him?
Not him exactly but the bank has
found a check that he made out ..
For $50 the day after he was kidnapped.
Endorsed by two people?
Endorsed by two people.
Who was the first one?
A Mr Berry? A Mr Berry.
And the other one?
The killer?
Oh-oh ..
The killer who?
Oh Killigrew. Killigrew Shawe.
The other is Killigrew Shawe.
Yes? They are holding
him for instruction.
Why hold him for instructions with the
police here? Get him flown here at once.
Reverse the charges.
I mean fly him here at once.
He looks crooked to me. I think I've
seen his picture in the Rogues' Gallery.
Officer, what's a six letter
word meaning incarcerated?
Come in.
Is your name Mona Carter?
Yes, it is.
What can I do for you?
- We're from the Department of Justice.
The Chief wants to have a talk with you.
I was expecting that.
What is it, Mona? What's happened?
- Well, they've finally discovered ..
That Tilly, the bobbed-hair
bandit is the woman in the case.
For further details,
consult your daily paper.
I'll change and be with you
in a minute, gentlemen.
- What?
Will you come out of that
silly hole and talk to me.
Will you marry me?
Listen Jink, you must be serious.
They're going mad up at the house.
We've got to do something about Gerald.
Oh darling, please come
up and help me find him.
Did I hear you say "darling"?
- Well then, that's different.
You know I may have an idea where he is.
- Well then, tell me.
Well if I do, and I'm asking you
this for the last time I hope ..
Will you marry me?
Honey, we can set up mighty fancy
housekeeping on that $25,000 reward.
I tell you what I will promise.
I'll promise I won't marry you
ever if you don't help me.
Okay, you win.
Listen. If I go after him
will you come with me?
Yes, of course. Where is he?
- I've an idea where we can find him.
The first move is to interview a
young lady named Tilly Specnagle.
Who on earth is she?
- A crazy friend of my sister Mona's.
I'll go and get the car. You change
and I'll meet you here in 15 minutes.
"Missing millionaire."
"Since no contemporary photographs are
available of the kidnapped millionaire."
"The Department of Justice
had an artist sketch the .."
"G for Gerald. B for Beresford."
"Six foot two."
"185 pounds."
Oh, it's him.
Hello? Operator?
Now come on, Maisy. Snap awake quick.
Get me Mrs Leona Wicks.
Wicks at Orange County New Jersey.
And hurry it up.
Is there a mechanic in the house?
Yes, right here.
Having a little trouble?
Having a lot of trouble.
Okay, I'll be right out.
We'll fix you up in a ..
It's you.
Yeah. It's me.
Sir, I'm sorry for keeping your
car all that time but after all ..
How'd you know I was here?
I checked around and found there
was a certain young mechanic ..
Who spends every evening
on the Carter doorstep.
Do you know Professor Carter?
- Ever since I was this high.
Well, is that so?
Well if you came for
your car, there she is.
No, no. It is you I came for.
Oh no, I'm staying here.
That would be good news if I didn't need
the $25,000 reward they have up for you.
And I think you might be
interested in why I need it.
Because it concerns you and Alicia.
You see, I'm going to marry her.
You are ..?
Now look here, my good man.
Alicia is engaged to me.
Do you know that?
Wrong tense, my good fellow.
She was engaged to you.
Now don't get tough or I'll
have to take care of you.
Wait a minute.
There was a time when I could
be pushed around but no longer.
I'm on my own here,
earning 30 bucks a week.
If I say I'm engaged to Alicia then I'm
engaged to Alicia. How do you like that?
Why don't you ask her how she likes it?
Excuse me.
- Oh no you don't.
Hold on to him Jink. Don't let him go.
Oh, no you don't. You'll
not get away from me.
Well, I never saw such goings on.
Am I as homely as all that, Gerald?
I'm awfully sorry, Alicia.
But I wasn't really running
away from you, you know.
But when I saw you sitting there.
I suddenly remembered Wickstead and the
bars and the gates and the regulations.
And always being guarded until
I felt like a lily in a hothouse.
But since then, I've been out in the
world and I've been mixing with people.
People who can laugh and sing and
play and be silly if they want to be.
This is the side of the fence
for me. I'm not going back.
I understand, Gerald.
Do you really?
- Uhuh.
You're a darling.
- Excuse me.
If you two have finished
your little chat, let's go.
Alicia. Are you in love with him?
Oh. Well ..
Yes. I'm afraid I am, Gerald.
I suppose it isn't quite fair but you
don't know what love can do.
Don't I? And are you in love with her?
Sure. What are you going to do about it?
- Nothing. Shake, pal. I'm in love too.
I knew it. It never fails.
The fatal Carter charm.
That's it.
Say, how do you know so
much about the Carter charm?
I couldn't miss. Mona is my sister.
She is?
Then perhaps you can tell
me where I can find her?
Well right now, I'd say that a couple of
cops have taken her to see your grandma.
By request.
You mean, on account of me?
That's the general idea.
Then what are we waiting for?
Come on.
- Attaboy.
Now listen, Shawe. You can make it a lot
easier for us and at the same time ..
Clip some years off the stretch you will
do if you tell us who you're protecting.
Now for the last time,
where is Gerald Wicks?
I don't know. I never heard of him.
You mean to sit there and tell us you
don't know what happened to my grandson?
I assure you I never even
met the young man. Never.
Did you ever see this check before?
Yes, I saw the check, saw the check.
There is my name.
There is my name right there.
Well, who is this G.B. Berry?
One of your gang?
He's a stranger to me.
I only met him once.
You're saying you've not seen this Berry
since the night you cashed his check?
No. But if you catch him I'd
like to hire him as a cook.
The best cook. Makes the best flapjacks
I ever ate in my life. Marvelous.
Oh, I wrote a poem about him.
"Contented though the inner man."
"Even though his cook
has been in the can."
Oh, Isn't that lovely. I like that.
That's lovely.
I got a lot more. Got plenty more.
Have you? Have you really?
It's the meter.
Ti dum ti dum ti dum.
Ti dum ti dum ti dum?
- The guy is nuts.
Yes, so am I.
Hey, Captain.
The boys just brought in
a girl named Mona Carter.
Well, what are you all sitting around
there like a lot of dummies for?
Go and grab her in.
Harry, Joe. Go to the gate and
bring that woman up here.
You take 4 men. See that
nobody gets in or out.
Henry, stand guard at the back door.
Put 2 men on the side gate.
We'll not take any chances.
And cover that library exit.
Wait, I'll go with you.
Grattan, take this Shawe
person up to the blue room.
I'll question him later.
Don't let him escape.
Remember, I hold you responsible
for everything that happens.
Mr Shawe, I will ask you not to concern
yourself with these human bloodhounds ..
And so-called Sheriffs.
You know, I've never met a poet before.
- No?
No. I've been to Niagara Falls, been
bitten by a bat. But I never met a poet.
I'm working on a great
masterpiece now, you know.
"I write my poems just for a lark.
I do my best work in the dark."
I see. Oh, isn't that good. "Dark" and
"lark". Oh, that's very good. Yes.
You don't have a good rhyme
for "orange" do you?
- No. I thought "porridge".
Now remember, Grattan. You take down
every single word that this man says.
Yes, Mrs Wicks.
Good afternoon, Mrs Wicks.
How dare you run away with my grandson.
What have you done
with him? Where is he?
Such talk!
You are impudent. She is impudent.
- Put that down.
I didn't intend to be
impudent, Mrs Wicks.
But I don't like being
shouted at, if you please.
Very good. Ha-ha.
I don't know what you
brought me here for.
All I can say is that neither
Mr Shawe nor any of the suspects ..
Have anything to do
with Gerry going away.
By any chance are you alluding to
my grandson, Gerald Beresford Wicks?
The very same.
All he wanted was to get out
of this penitentiary for a while.
Oh, you have been misinformed.
Why would he do that? He had everything
here in the world that he wanted.
I've tried to bring him up as a perfect
specimen of his type and class.
You darn near did it, too.
Until you came along.
- Just in time, I should say.
In time to ruin everything.
- For Gerry's sake, I hope so.
- I have it, Mrs Wicks.
Oh, you should have seen your precious
Gerald slap down truck drivers.
And knock out prize fighters.
And smash through police barricades.
And tear along the roads at midnight.
And make flapjacks.
- Make flapjacks?
Oh, imagine. Flapjacks.
Sit down. Sit down won't you?
Now see here.
Tell me, what have you done
with him? Where is he now?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him for weeks.
Don't lie to me!
You enticed him away and now
you're hiding him somewhere.
Don't bully me as you did him.
I won't stand for it.
She won't stand for it.
No see here young woman. I don't
know what your intentions are.
But if trapping my grandson into
marriage is any part of them ..
You may just as well
dismiss the idea at once.
Well, I'm not very much of a trapper
but if it makes you feel any easier.
I wouldn't marry your
grandson if you paid me.
Write that down.
Put that down.
Why not?
Because you're his grandmother.
Put it down.
Yes, grandmother.
You are a scandalous designing woman.
And you are not going to leave this
house until you tell me where he is.
Hello, Grandma.
- Gerald.
Gerald, my darling.
Where have you been?
I have missed you so.
Hello Mona.
What are you doing in
those awful clothes?
I'm a 30-dollar a week garage man.
How do you like the improvement?
Improvement? Don't flatter yourself.
You look the same silly idiot you
always were and always will be.
Write it Grattan.
But Grandma, you ..
- Windmill.
What's that?
I said you are a windmill.
Who ever heard of a
windmill running on water?
Now dear Gerald, if you think ..
- Quiet!
Quiet, Quiet!
I can't think or concentrate.
I can't think at all. Keep quiet.
Very good. Very good.
Water, Mrs Wicks.
I need it.
I'm going to get out of here
before the shooting starts.
Wait a minute.
You are staying here.
- Oh, no I'm not.
You are doing alright for yourself
since you came home with Alicia.
Alicia is going to marry
your brother, Jink.
What's that? What Jink?
That's me, ma'am.
- You?
You expect to marry Gerald's fiance?
Oh no. She's not his fiance.
He released her.
But I haven't released her.
Alicia. Who is this "Jink" person?
He is the man I was telling you about
aunt Leona. Working on the pipeline.
Grattan, did you hear that? Pipeline.
- I have it down. Pipeline.
Gerald. Pipeline.
If you are insane enough to be
serious about this .. this pipeliner.
May I ask what you intend to marry on?
On the money you're going to
pay him for bringing me back.
Aunt Leona.
Gerald doesn't want to
marry me. He wants Mona.
I don't want Gerald.
Well I want Jink.
- And I want Alicia.
Now listen to me, Alicia.
You're not marrying this upstart.
This .. this "Jinx" or whatever
his horrible name is.
You're marrying Gerald.
- I am not.
Of course she's not.
Well, why should you think that ..
Will everyone kindly shut
up and I'll do some talking.
Now look, the first thing you must get
into your mind is you are marrying me.
Do you understand?
- I am not.
Do you think you can force me
to marry you, Mr Gerald Beresford ..
Gerry to you!
- Alright. Gerry.
I wouldn't marry you if you
were the last man in the world.
Well, you are!
- I'm not!
I don't like your family.
Especially this old tyrant over here.
Who's a tyrant?
You are! You are a narrow,
selfish suspicious old tyrant.
You think I'm a fortune hunter?
Well I wouldn't marry this pet lamb of
yours if he had fifty million dollars!
I suppose he isn't good enough for you.
No, he isn't.
And you have the nerve and
audacity to stand there and ..
Refuse to marry my grandson because
he isn't good enough for you?
I've never heard of such impudence.
Isn't she marvellous.
Isn't she.
Now see here, young lady.
You will marry Gerald and that's that.
I will not hear another word about it.
Oh no she's not. Not if she doesn't want
to, and you're not going to make her.
Who's going to stop me?
- I am.
I'm choosing my own wife.
- That's what you think.
Grattan, get me that
Pennsylvania law book.
On the top, on the end on the right?
- Yes, that's the one.
Not that you deserve
her because you don't.
She is too good for you.
Don't you contradict me.
She's got a will of her own.
She's no milk and water shilly-shally
flippety-floppetty weathervane.
Like some people I could mention.
She's got courage.
You have! And don't you dare deny it.
She is the only one not afraid of me.
Now get out, get out all of you.
Go on, take your Jinx and see he washes
his hands and face and stays for dinner.
Go on, go on!
Take them all and give them
something to eat and drink.
Go on.
That's what I want.
Now you'll hear something.
Did you ever see that before?
Why yes, that's ..
That's where you registered
yourself and this sassy ..
Mona is my name.
Mona is my name as man and wife.
And here's the 1827 Pennsylvania law
that has never been repealed or amended.
Would you like to hear it?
Would you ..?
- What could we lose?
Here, you read it.
"If any man or woman do jointly
and before competent witnesses .."
"Publish and acknowledge
themselves to be man and wife."
[ Whistle ]
"And in addition, if one or both do .."
"By written record under
whatever name attest this status."
"This shall and does constitute
a legal article of wedlock."
"And so may be registered and recorded."
Amen, amen.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Kiss the bride.
Do you call that a kiss?
When I was young if a girl could get
her breath back after three minutes ..
She'd think the gentleman
had insulted her.
Stop it!
I spent a million dollars making
you the perfect specimen.
And if you haven't any answer for
a simple little swing like that ..
Go on!
Oh, my word.
More water, Mrs Wicks?
- No. Give me a beer.
Come out.
Out you come.
No! I won't budge. I like it here.
Will you come out of there.
What do you mean by slapping my face?
I'll slap it again. You deserved it.
0h, you will, will you?
We'll see about that.
What are you going to do?
- You will see.
What are you going to do?
Will you come out?
- Gerry, don't.
How do you like that?
I don't like it.
A fine way to start our married life.
I'll have it annulled.
I'll get a divorce.
Oh, you will? On what grounds?
That you don't love me?
Well yeah. I won't tell you.
Do you?
Where are you going?
Go away, this is blackmail.
- Do you love me?
Do you love me?
This is blackmail.
- I know it's blackmail.
Stop it.
- Yes.
This is your last chance.
Do you love me?
Yes !
Let me down.
I was so scared.
Well, so was I.
- About me?
No. About grandma. That she wouldn't
find out about that Pennsylvania law.
You mean to say you knew
about that all the time?
If I didn't, I spent a week's salary on
the best lawyer in Bestford for nothing.
Law courses: Mondays,
Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
And I'm the limit.
- You would.
I think that the study of ..
- Skip it.
Kiss me instead.
I must take a course on this sometime.
-- t-g --