The Pickleball Murders (2024) Movie Script
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term,
blow term, blow term
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
[Sassy] Yo, this is pickleball,
the fastest growing sport in America.
A game that teaches you white folks
how to bounce back from failure
and how to use that
mystical seven foot wide area
on either side of the
net to your advantage,
which for some reason
two numbed up brothers call "The kitchen."
I mean, really, bitch, you cooking?
Anyway, like I was saying, it's a game,
which teaches you to not pop
the goddamn ball up in the air,
but if you do,
well, fortunately it's
basically a big ass Wiffle ball,
but tell that to the guy who
just ate his dink for lunch,
and has ball marked semi-permanently
indented into his dumb-ass forehead.
But apart from the open play,
there's a much darker underworld brewing
just below the clay tile surface here.
A world in which this inherently fun game
has become much more deadly.
Sounds like a good ass movie I'd watch.
These are "The Pickleball Murders", bitch!
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Hello?
Over here.
You got a paddle?
Yeah.
In my bag.
I was just hoping
someone would help me
understand what I'm doing here.
You want someone
else to help you understand
what you are doing here?
I guess.
Yeah, that sounds stupid
when you say it out loud.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
Well, look, I just got this note
telling me to show up here,
and I haven't seen anyone
around until I saw you.
(Trish hits the ball with the paddle)
My point!
I was not ready.
I didn't know we were... Playing?
Yeah, no, I asked, if you had a paddle?
Are you ready for the spin cycle?
A what?
The spin cycle.
Keep that shit on high.
Oh, totally, I get it.
(upbeat music)
Oh!
(upbeat music)
Down the middle solves the riddle.
Totally, nice shot!
- Trish.
- Ah, I'm Chaz.
- Bonner, right?
- Yeah.
2019 APA Player of the Year?
Trish Lawless.
I saw you playing in Fairfax,
you put on some weight.
Oh, I've been eating my feelings.
Yeah, thanks for noticing.
Wait, Trish Lawless as in
PPA's Arizona Cup winner?
Oh, I thought I'd recognize that smash.
If it's high, I make him cry.
(Chaz chuckling)
I got the same letter, by the way.
Yeah, so any idea what we're doing here?
(Chong applauding)
(somber music)
He Kai, He Kai!
Who the hell is this guy?
I have no clue.
Hi there, my name is Chaz, this is Trish.
Can I assume this is your house?
Well, welcome.
Okay, I see, this is his house.
He is probably the guy
that sent us the letters.
Okay.
Hey, what does that mean, He Kai?
It means to gain the
approval of the audience,
or to be a killer of someone famous.
Well, Lucy translated, of course.
Wow!
That's a big difference.
Hey, I know some Mandarin Chinese myself.
Check this out.
Who you hiding?
Why you munching?
No, nothing.
Okay, just tell us what
we're doing here then.
Hey, why don't you just come inside?
The others are already waiting.
(somber music)
(Trish sighs)
(intense music)
Sorry about the mess, cleaning lady died.
Wait, she died?
You know what, sucks to be me, right?
She didn't die in the house, did she?
Well, we are not entirely sure.
You see, no one really found her body yet.
So maybe, who knows?
This place is nice.
Hey, can I get you anything to drink?
Water, soda, Sun AD,
(Chong sniffing)
Cocaine?
I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?
Cocaine, no, of course, not.
We don't have those stuff here,
unless you really want it.
Water stein.
Yeah, water.
(Trish catching water bottle)
(Chaz catching water bottle)
So are you gonna tell
us what we're doing here?
Well, pickleball tournament, of course.
- What else?
- I'm sorry.
Did you say, a pickleball tournament?
Yeah.
Did you read the letter I sent you?
Yeah, I did, it said
nothing about a tournament.
- Are you sure?
- Positive.
Look, it says, "Follow
your pickleball dreams,
meet here or don't.
Chong."
And there's like a
hand-drawn map of some sort.
Shoot, I must have
sent you the wrong letter.
My assistant died last week.
English is my second language.
Wait, what?
So is there a prize?
Prize?
Yeah, what do we get if we win?
(Chong's alarm ringing)
Oh, shoot, look at the time.
Time for Chong to get changed.
I'll tell you tonight, but what,
let me slip into something more
appropriate for the company,
and when I return, all your
question will be answered.
Okay?
Good, todos!
Hey, cocaine, still in the fridge.
I don't want any cocaine.
I wanna know what's for dinner?
Ah, yeah, I don't know.
Hmm.
You do get the joke though, right?
Why are you munching?
No, I get it.
Just it's a little racially
insensitive. (Chuckling)
(Trish sighing)
Oh, (chuckling) please,
get outta the kitchen.
Oh, (chuckling) I totally get that.
Stupid!
(rooster crowing)
(playful music)
Ladies and gentlemen, once again,
welcome to my humble abode.
This place is fucking nice!
Do you mind if I ask what
has set you back there, Chang?
Maybe it's nicer than your double-wide.
[Chaz] It's Chong.
Huh?
You called him Ching, his name is Chong.
On the line, on the line.
Woo, hmm!
Yeah, one more thing there, Chang,
I don't eat no panda, elephant,
or whatever the fuck
you trying to even think
it's funny to watch as blue bloods eat.
Blue?
Get blue.
You think our blood is
red, you fucking idiot!
I got two weeks of community college
under this fanny pack, you dick weed!
Gotcha, my apologies.
Do you always smoke at the table?
Yeah, I do.
I fucking fart, I smoke, and I spit,
and if the mood strikes me just right,
I just might bend over and
wink at you with my brown eye.
Is that okay with you, darling?
- I'm good.
- On the line.
On the line.
Woo, eh, huh, ugh!
You said that already, man!
He's got Tourette's, he can't help it.
Yeah, I got Tourette's too.
Hear ye, hear ye.
(Teresa farting)
Well, I've lost my appetite.
What's up with this guy?
What about him?
Gary Cooper, the strong,
silent type. (Chuckling)
Oh, don't tell me none of
you watched "The Sopranos"?
(Steve mumbling)
(Chong laughing)
That's Soft Serve
Steve, a man of few words.
He prefer to let his play on the court
to do the talking for him.
I don't know about
all you, motherfuckers,
but when I hear the word "Soft Serve",
my mind races elsewhere.
- Here we go.
- What?
I can't be the only one thanking it,
you might as well just
call him Limp Dick Larry,
Or Phoenix Fred.
Herey-herey-woop!
Or Dingle Foot Dave. (Chaz laughing)
What's a dingle foot?
It's when your toes
are shaped like a penis.
Oh!
Totally I knew that.
All right guys, enough!
Why don't you let me explain to you
why I have all of you here today?
As I look around this table,
I see a plethora of pickleball champion:
Trailer Park Teresa, eight-time
Palestine Pro M champion;
Larry Lobstopper, six-time APA all-star,
and three-time MPPA MVP;
Trish Lawless, two-time Point champion,
and last year PPA Arizona Cup winner;
Tony Tourettes... Whoop!
2023 New Jersey Player of the Year;
Steve "Soft Serve" Roberts,
this year APA point leaders
and two-time tournament of
Boss Championship winner.
Hmm!
Hmm!
Hmm!
Um, something wrong?
No, no, you just forgot me.
Well, of course, Chaz Boner.
Bonner, it's Bonner.
Chaz Bonner, APA Rookie of the Year,
and 2019 Player of the Year.
- You've gained some weight.
- Thanks.
Now that we all know
who is who, the rules.
Game is to play for three points,
single tournament only, and no doubles.
Sudden death rules always.
The seeding?
Did everybody eat your appetizer?
The spring rolls were
like actually delicious.
Well, (chuckling) your seed number
may have got into your first course.
(Chong chuckling)
Surprise!
So how the fuck do we
know what number we are?
Well, I guess you have to wait
for eight hours to find out.
Like for Teresa, hers
is already halfway out.
Lick my fucking split, Lobstopper!
Let's split, lick my split!
Woo, hmm!
Chong, it's getting a little ridiculous.
Yeah, what if you don't have my brand
of coffee in the morning?
Yeah, and I'm partial about toilet.
Well, don't worry,
I may have put some Ex-Lax in your water,
just to help you out.
(Chong chuckling)
What do we win?
Single tournament, means the last men
or women standing win,
hmm, $10 million.
(Chaz laughing)
Oh, you don't believe me!
Well, I may have the money right here.
Ta-Ta!
(gong beating)
Chong, what the hell is that?
You said $10 million.
Well, that is $10 million.
That is a thumb drive.
Well, no, Sherlock!
You win a tournament, I
gave you the thumb drive
along with the Cayman Island
offshore account password.
Easy-peasy wheelers.
(Chong's alarm ringing)
Oops!
Look at the time!
Time for Chong to catch some Z's.
I need my 13 hours.
So that's it?
Yeah, that's it.
You go to sleep, you shit out
your number in the morning,
and meet me on the court.
Okay?
(speaker sighing)
(Chong chuckling)
Good night!
Keep your butthole tight.
(Chong laughing)
Someone has to check
if he is a sexual predator.
[Sassy] All right, now listen up,
before all you
pickleball-obsessed motherfuckers
start writing the film,
producers let us about how the rules,
that funky little Asian fella
just explained aren't real,
and how they'd be
faking all that shit, chill!
Sassy Arasida is here to
explain pickleball scoring,
according to Chong.
(upbeat music)
Here to help me explain how
this year pickleball tournament
is gonna work is trashy Teresa.
It's Trailer Park Teresa.
[Sassy] That's what I said.
And honey, drop the attitude,
I don't play that shit.
Anyway, here to help
this backwards trophy wife
is this dummy.
I know, right?
Literally this is a dummy.
Anyway, the game is pretty much played
as it normally would be
except in sudden death strong rules.
We play the best of three.
Serve it, girl!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa serving ball)
See there, the dummy standing there,
like a stupid ass dummy
letting the ball drop
right past him and shit,
so Trailer Park gets the point.
So now the score is one to nothing.
Go on TP, do your thing.
(upbeat music)
(Teresa serving ball)
Stupid dummy, at least get a paddle!
Another point for Trailer Park.
And that's it, folks.
First player with the two points wins.
You get it?
I know it's not how
the real game is played,
but dude, it's a movie.
By the way, nice fanny pack, TP!
Anyway, back to Chaz Bonner, Trish Lawless,
and the rest of the gang.
Hey!
Hey!
Some dinner, huh?
Yeah, it was interesting.
So my room is at the end of the hall.
(Trish chuckling)
Good night, fatty!
I'm not that fat.
(Trish sighing)
I mean, what do you think about all this?
- Which part?
- Chong, the $10 million.
[Tony] $10 million.
- Good night, Tony!
- Good night, Tony!
[Tony] Whoop, eh!
(Chaz sighing)
- Jesus!
- My God!
I mean, how do we know
the thumb drive isn't just blank,
or the only thing on it is like two girls
and one cup. (Chaz laughing)
What is that?
(chuckling) What?
Better see him right here right now.
Dude, two girls, one cup.
Let him through.
Just let him through.
(sighing) What's up, honey?
Hey, I'm getting older.
(upbeat music)
What is that?
It's this gross video,
it's a precise point.
No, well, it's a lot of money,
and this house is pretty awesome.
So I say we just show up
tomorrow morning on the court,
shit out our numbers and
take the game as it comes.
The day I hit my first earning,
(Chaz chuckling)
I fell in love with the game.
(upbeat music)
Yeah, me too.
All right, Boner! (Sighing)
Bonner. (Trish chuckling)
- Good talk.
- Yeah.
I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah.
Oh!
Thank you for that surprise.
(upbeat music)
Jesus!
(playful music)
Hi!
You smell Etherealki.
Hmm!
Not in a good way.
(upbeat music)
No wait, I need to go!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa farting)
[Tony] $10 million, whoop!
(Chaz sighing)
(Chaz hitting the ball on
the net with the paddle)
(upbeat music)
(Thunder and lightning striking)
(upbeat music)
Nice serve, Bonner!
What are you doing here, Lobstopper?
I'll play you for her.
Play for who?
You know who.
(upbeat music)
(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
That was out, Bonner?
That was in.
Oh, you're gonna walk away?
You gonna walk away, huh?
Because you got beat by Fatty,
Fatty fucking Magoo!
(upbeat music)
Okay.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, I feel it!
Come on!
Oh, come on!
Be good!
Oh, which number did you work for?
Come on!
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh God!
Oh, oh, the Joe means plug meal.
Ooh!
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh (mumbling)
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
No, it's too much, it's too much.
Oh (mumbling) come on, Chaz!
Last name is a boner.
Oh, your last name is a boner.
Oh, God!
Oh, so much cheese and sugar (mumbling)
Oh God!
There I go.
No, no, fuck!
Oh God!
Oh, I feel like a volleyball.
Oh, God!
Oh, please!
Oh, I don't need to
know what my seeding is.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, it's logs.
Logs just kind of shit.
Damn, (mumbling) a happy place.
On the chord.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Hmm, oh, oh, it's coming.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, it's just gas!
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Are you all right?
- I am so constipated.
Pickleball, two word,
as synonymous as Grand
Canyon and RuPaul Drug Race.
Are you sure, Pickleball
is one word and RuPaul...
Eh, forget it!
A game that is so complicate to master
that it take not only extreme skill,
but discipline to outsmart your opponents.
I'm sorry, dispin?
Yeah, what pin you're talking about?
Discipline.
Discipline.
As I was saying...
What was I saying?
Goddammit, when did that happen?
Anyway, you got your
shitty piece of numbers?
All right, read aloud.
Numero uno, bitches!
Two.
Three.
Four, four, four, eeah, whoop!
Five.
That makes me six.
All right, I guess the game is set.
First up, number one
seed, first is number six.
Trailer Park Teresa versus Chaz Boner.
It's Bonner!
That's what I just say.
Okay, warm-up on the court in five.
(upbeat music)
You all right?
Oh, (farting) I'm fine.
- Hmm.
- Are you sure?
You look a little weird!
Nope, I'm fine.
It's just, it's nervousness, I promise.
Okay. (Chaz sighing)
Look, I need you to stay in the game.
I know you somewhat,
which is more than I can
say for these freak shows.
Yeah.
(sighing) So from what I can remember,
Teresa can't backpedal well,
so if you get in the open,
dink it over her head,
and she'll have trouble
getting back on her heels.
Yeah? (Chaz sighing)
Yeah, yeah.
So we can trust Chong,
and so we stick together.
Okay?
Okay.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Drive, drop, dink!
- Yeah.
- Repeat it.
God, okay.
Drive, drop, dink.
Yeah, heard.
You got this.
Thanks.
You as likewise as well.
(Chaz farting)
Goddammit!
Oh!
(Chaz sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(thrilling music)
Oh, it's... (laughing)
(laughing) That's a Delio, Boner!
That is the grossest
thing I've ever heard.
But I'm ready, let's go.
You fucker!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(thrilling music)
Oh, game is now one to one.
Next one win.
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
(Teresa falling down)
Ho-ho!
Winner, Chaz Bonner!
(Chaz rejoicing
triumphantly) (Chong laughing)
Yes, and the winner is Chaz Bonner.
Woo!
(Chaz laughing)
Thanks.
Yeah.
- Hey, are you all right?
- Huh!
Uh!
- You all right?
- You good?
Let me get that.
(mumbling) blow on it.
Blow on, oh yeah.
Hey, you gave me, all right?
Eat my ass!
- Okay.
- I'm damaged fruit, fucker!
Excuse me, darling!
Yeah, (mumbling)
- Bye from me, Chong!
- No, no, no, no!
(Chong shooting Teresa with a gun)
Chong, what are you doing?
(players exclaiming)
She's gone!
Oh my God!
(Teresa farting)
I think she shit her pants. (Chaz retching)
It happens sometimes.
That's all she always smells.
(Teresa's defecating) (Chaz retching)
(Trish exclaiming)
Oh God! (Steve sighing)
[Chong] You all know the rules.
[Trish] This isn't funny, Chong!
Yeah?
What do you think I meant
when I say "sudden death"?
(Chong's cell phone ringing)
- Oh, right there.
- Phone ringing.
(Chong chuckling) Cell phone ringing.
Lunch ready.
Who is hungry?
I'm making panini.
Oh, fuck this!
- I'm leaving!
- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chong, Chong, you can't just kill people!
Don't do this!
Oh yeah!
Guess what, I just did.
Beside what do you care?
You want that $10 million, don't you?
Not if it means you
have to kill people to get it.
What are you a hero now, you fat-ass?
We're leaving, Chong!
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Maybe this is a good
time for me to tell you,
your seed number and the only thing cooked
into your delicious egg roll last night
this toxin racing through your
body right now as we speak.
Trying to leave?
I use this,
a chemical reactor
that sends all your
asses to cardiac arrest.
So what is it going to be?
Stay and finish the damn tournament,
or everybody gone bye, bye, bye?
How long is the toxin in our system for?
(chuckling) Not long, three or four days.
Three or four days!
He's got us by the balls.
That's lady ball!
Come on, lunch getting cold.
Someone grab the damn headband.
Me like it!
What do we do now?
We need to get the gun from him.
Even if we get the gun,
he still has the detonator.
Someone should call the police.
- What?
- It's Steve.
Remember he doesn't speak.
Okay, so we need the gun
- and the detonator, yeah?
- Yeah.
Y'all will be quiet?
I say we play along.
[Chaz] And what about Teresa?
There's nothing we can do about that now.
I say one of us tries to
sneak off during next match.
And what, going to cardiac arrest?
Yeah, if Chong catches
any of us trying to sneak off,
he could fly out the handle
and kill us all anyway.
(Chaz sighing)
Who plays next?
If we go by the seeding, me and Larry.
Okay, I say, we go in the house,
have some lunch,
and just figure out some
sort of plan that makes sense.
The two of you have to
put on a hell of a match
and make it last.
Neither of you can lose, yeah?
Panini, panini, chicken pesto.
Eh, uh, hmm!
Exactly!
Is everyone good?
Good?
As good as we can be until
we figure something else out.
(upbeat music)
Got it, got it!
Whoop!
(upbeat music)
(laughing) Ladies and gentlemen,
next up we have Trish Lawless
versus Larry Lobstopper.
Champion choices,
champion, this gotta be good.
(upbeat music)
And remember, if you
lose, your ass is canned.
Ready?
Ready.
Ready.
All right, let's pickleball, bitches!
Okay, so make sure they
have a good volley going,
and that Chong is distracted by the play.
Okay?
I'll sneak in the house and
find a phone or something.
I was thinking (indistinct) you, boner!
All right, okay.
Thank you.
(upbeat music)
Good.
Score is Larry Lobstopper
one, Trish serve. (Laughing)
Time out, Chong!
Time out. (Chong sighing)
Time out.
Larry, what the hell, man?
This is not part of the plan,
you're supposed to keep the game going
for as long as possible.
To hell with that.
If she wins, I die.
That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
(Chaz mumbling)
Oh!
Um, he's in it for himself.
He's afraid if he loses,
Chong will bust a cap in his ass.
He said that?
More or less.
Yeah, look, the deal is,
you gotta give me some
time with this next point.
And the only way to do that, sudden death.
- Yeah?
- Got it.
Just make it last as long as you can.
The lipstick looks great by the way.
Thanks, I like yours too.
Chong is bored.
Come on, let's paddle.
(upbeat music)
(Larry and Trish playing pickleball)
Whoop!
Eh!
(eerie music)
Oh!
(Chaz sighing)
I'm not that fatty.
(eerie music)
Oh, it's (mumbling)
(Chaz retching)
(mumbling) doesn't have a phone.
(suspenseful music)
Ooh! (Eerie music)
Do you know why she's dead?
She's dead.
(somber music)
(upbeat music)
Holy shit, Lawless got the point.
This shit is getting good! (Chuckling)
Real good!
(upbeat music)
Chaz!
(eerie music)
God, Jesus, Chong!
God, you scared me!
What are you doing here?
All the actions are outside on the court.
Right, I just had to use the bathroom.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
What's wrong with the one in your room?
Nothing, it's really nothing.
I did run out of toilet paper though.
I really have to go.
Ooh, number two.
Yep.
- Why don't you say so?
- Oh!
- Use mine, I got a bidet!
- A bidet!
Great!
(playful music)
There's nothing like a fresh clean ass.
Mm-hmm, and you better hurry.
Next point wins.
You don't want to miss the loser get shot.
Get shot!
No, I don't wanna miss that at all.
I'm actually really excited for that part.
- All right then.
- So.
- Go.
- Excuse me.
(playful music)
Thank you.
Tight games.
The match is now one to one.
Remember, next point win.
Lawless, you'll serve.
This is it, Lawless!
Didn't have to be this way, Larry.
I don't lose, not when
there's this much on the line.
[Trish] Don't lob it.
I never do.
(upbeat music)
(Trish and Larry playing pickleball)
Ho-ho!
Game set, match.
Hmm, so sad.
I don't like that hair, Backstreet Boy!
No, Chong, no!
(Chong shooting Larry with gun)
Well, I guess that concludes today game,
tomorrow we start early.
Well, not too early.
Tony Tourettes, you and Soft Serve are up.
(playful music)
Everybody get some rest.
Be sure to attend the
breakfast. (Chuckling)
I do have a waffle machine
look just like a Mickey Mouse.
(playful music)
Night, night!
Don't make a pillow fight. (Chuckling)
(playful music)
Hey!
What the hell happened?
I don't know, I couldn't find a phone,
and then Chong just found me.
$10 million are not
much worth this, I can take.
Trish!
Trish!
Me neither!
Come on, man!
Not you too?
Whoop!
Guys, guys!
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term, blow
term, blow term, blow term
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term,
blow term, blow term
(upbeat music)
(Chaz knocking door)
Come in.
Can I come in?
- You already are.
- Um
Just shut the door behind you.
How are you feeling?
There's banana splits downstairs.
I don't want Chong's banana split.
Look, about today, I'm sorry.
I tried.
I am.
Doesn't matter.
(upbeat music)
I think I have another plan.
Again?
Well, okay, one that
might actually work this time.
Okay, what is it?
It's complicated,
and I'm not sure you're gonna like it.
Okay, go on.
Well, Steve and Tony play each other
first tomorrow, right?
One of them loses,
and then it's you and me
against the winner in the finals.
Yeah?
Yeah.
We have to make sure we
are the last two players standing.
Okay, but how is that possible?
I mean, you said it yourself.
Either one of us plays Soft Serve or Tony.
Yeah, but that can't happen, okay?
So look, Chong said we have three
or four days until this poison
kinda clears out of
our bodies, or whatever.
It's been about two days.
So that means if we can both
survive just two more days,
it'll be you and me in the finals,
and then that means we'll be 2-1-1.
And the detonator will
be out of the equation.
Exactly!
Okay.
But for that to happen,
both Tony and Steve
would have to lose, how?
Doubles.
What?
I mean, Chong specifically
said singles, no doubles.
Yeah, just leave that part up to me.
Look, you and me facing
off against each other
in the finals,
by then the detonator will be useless,
and I'll hatch up another plan
to help us escape this place.
Yeah?
Are you sure about this?
Uh, I am.
I mean, as much as (Trish sighing)
I can be anyway.
Besides what choice do I have?
(upbeat music)
Well, where are you going now?
To convince Chong to change
the rules for tomorrow's game.
[Speaker] With a bad reputation,
that sometimes gets away, which should be.
That's a direct quote from
this morning's newspaper.
[Speaker] Thank you for the sharing.
I'm quite flattered.
[Speaker] That's what
the angry people of this town
think about you, doc.
- Oh!
- Good God!
Good God! (Chong laughing)
Gotcha!
It's not God,
it's me, Chong Soo.
Obviously, I know that, Chong, yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Sit.
- What's up?
- Carry on.
Can't sleep?
You wanna rub it off for you?
No, I'm good.
Oh, still hungry?
I got some pineapple hummus.
No, really I'm fine.
(chuckling) Still have
that blow, if you want it.
No, Chong, I don't want any drugs
or whatever you're talking about,
I just wanted to ask you something.
So I'm gonna shit the bed.
Talk!
I just wanted
to ask you to reconsider
changing the rules for tomorrow's game.
What rules?
[Chaz] Doubles.
Yeah, what about it?
Well, I want Trish and I to play Steve
and Tony in a doubles match tomorrow.
Now before you say no,
hear me out.
Okay?
So the other night you were talking
about how you were dining
amongst a plethora of champions,
which you were right about, (chuckling)
But the fact of the matter is,
none of us have won jack
squat in the doubles match.
Look, if you got a
point, get there faster.
We're all singles champions.
(chuckling) Yeah, I know shit, and?
But doubles is more aggressive.
You have to cover the center window.
Why not put all four of us to the test?
You seem to enjoy watching the matches.
This will really force
us to amp up our game.
[Speaker] You were born in Georgia?
Hmm.
Lawless and Bonner on
the same side of the net.
Chong is intrigued.
I tell you what, lemme sleep on it,
you'll have my answer in the morning.
But I can guarantee to you this.
If I find out this is
some kind of immunity,
(somber music)
I kill all of you tomorrow,
your girlfriend first.
(somber music)
Huh!
(eerie music)
I dunno.
(eerie music)
So?
I don't know, I guess
we'll find out in a minute.
- You look great, by the way.
- Thanks.
Are those children's sunglasses?
Morning, morning!
So slight change of plans today.
Last night I was just laying in bed,
blew the biggest load,
and it got me thinking,
why not play in doubles today?
Doubles, doubles, whoop, eeh!
Really put your
pickleball skill to the test,
don't you think?
Pair up, let me see what you got.
Well, Chong does not like
what he is seeing right now.
Shante, that way!
Yes, you.
You, the other side.
Much better.
Let's do this, bitches!
Go!
What the hell is this, Chaz?
I don't know.
This isn't what we discussed.
Hey, hey, hey, less
chatting, more paddle,
Chong is bored.
(upbeat music)
Pickleball!
Service!
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Point.
(upbeat music)
Point.
What the hell was that?
I won't do it.
He'll kill us, if you don't play.
What does it matter?
Either way we die.
Trish, don't do this!
Hey, what's the hold up?
Tony Tourettes, your ball.
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
Point.
Dammit, Chaz!
Really?
What?
You know what, Chaz?
Cut the shit!
You can play that game.
If you go down, I go down too.
(chuckling) Love the score.
I like it. (Chuckling)
Now we both have to play, like it or not.
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Hoo-hoo, that's the point!
Lawless and Soft Serve for the W.
No one saw that coming.
Chaz!
It's okay really, it's fine.
Just promise me you'll
make it outta here alive,
$10 million or not, okay?
Okay.
(Chong shooting Steve)
(Chong shooting Tony)
(somber music)
(Trish sighing)
Chong!
What the hell, man?
I know, right?
- Surprise!
- But why?
Because right here, Chong make the rules,
not Lawless, not Bonner.
(playful music)
So what does this mean for us?
Now we go inside and have a little chat.
(playful music)
Chong Soo,
in Chinese it means
a man who play with
integrity and gratitude.
A name that my father passed on to me
as part of our Qing dynasty language,
a time when Mongol horsemen ruled China.
Something you do not know about me is
that in my country I was
simply the most distinguished
and well-celebrated
pickleball player of all-time.
50 grand champion wins;
Many, many slammed victories;
And the only player that
was awarded a golden paddle
by the President, Xi Jinping, himself.
(Chaz sighing)
I was simply quite the man.
Was?
The house never beats the player,
but the player does to himself.
I start gambling all my winnings,
I start (indistinct) on Pickleball courts.
Not before long, I owned
every bookie money.
And the only way out was
to sell my golden paddle,
and flee to the dark and
dirty underbelly of pickleball.
Japan?
No, Gulf Shores, Alabama.
Over there I challenged
cruise ship, director, entertainer,
and frat boy to some pickleball games.
For what?
For some spare change.
That was a dark time of Chong's life.
Guess what?
Just like Barry Bonds or Pete Rose
or any other disgraced sports personality.
Hey, I eventually win all my winning back,
and then once again become
beloved by general public
- Yeah.
- All over again.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
like neither of those two
guys had that happen.
Eh, tornado tomato!
The deal is, I am the best
because I beat the best.
Tomorrow you two will face off each other,
and the winner is gonna take
Chong Shoo out of retirement once again,
and face me with a one-on-one
winner takes all batch.
Chong, this is insane!
Huh, this is perfect!
APA-forbidden.
Anybody who gamble on the game
to step foot on the pickleball court.
So what do I do?
I drag all of you here to my backyard
and make you play for the ultimate prize.
But $10 million isn't the ultimate prize.
Really it's not.
No, Chong, you're killing people here.
You won't get away with this, Chong!
(Chong chuckling)
Then I will bring down
the best pickleball player from the world.
If I can't have what I want, no one can.
But pickleball is love
because it's a game anyone can enjoy.
You don't have to be the
best to have fun playing it.
That's the whole point of the game.
He's right, anyone can play
the sport, champion or not.
Girl, please!
That's only something a loser will say.
What do you think this game is made for,
retirement home, church retreat?
No, I'm pretty sure
that's like exactly who it was made for.
You know what?
Conversation over, Chong is bored.
One of you is gonna die tomorrow.
And remember, try anything funny,
I kill you in your sleep.
(eerie music)
(Chaz sighing)
Well, that went well.
Right.
Do you trust me?
Maybe.
Just come ready to play tomorrow.
I'll take care of the rest.
Hmm, what was that?
- It's a wink.
- No logic, no.
- What, what?
- Is a wink?
No, that wasn't, you're
blinking both eyes, both.
One's going, right?
- No!
- I can't wink?
Mm-hmm.
- It's so sad.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay?
(Trish sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Trish sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Chong sighing)
Game faces.
Chong like it.
Here's the deal, Chong.
You wanna pretend that you
were the best, then prove it.
Chong is the best.
I got a golden paddle, remember?
No, you sold your golden paddle
to pay off your gambling debts.
That doesn't mean anything.
You, you go play!
Give it up, Chong!
That toxin is well out
of our system by now,
and you're not gonna shoot us.
Oh really, smarty-pant!
Let's see about that.
You are thinking
about this all wrong, man!
You were the best back then, an ocean away,
but you're also standing on
discord with the best right now.
You want that glory back?
You don't need a golden paddle,
you only need one thing.
Oh yeah, and what is that?
Play the both of us, handicap match.
(Chong chuckling)
Do I look handicap to you?
No, that's not what I meant.
You play Trish and I to one-on-one.
Hmm.
And what do I get out of this when I win?
(Chaz sighing)
If you win,
you get to kill us both,
and live on knowing you probably beat
six of the best pickleball
players on God's green earth.
So what's it gonna be, Chong?
The man who plays with
integrity and gratitude,
or just another washed-up pickleball player
with a story to tell
anyone who will listen.
I'll tell you what, Chaz,
you got both pickleball.
You want a handicap match?
I gave you the handicap match.
Winner takes all.
All right,
game on, Chong.
Are you sure about this?
It's a little late for second guessing.
Well, in that case.
In case this doesn't go our way.
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish kissing Chaz)
Oh!
Ew, you two get a room!
Service!
Remember, if Chong wanted soft serve,
shoot one up for ice cream.
Goddamn, right!
(upbeat music)
Ball is out!
Nope, that's bullshit,
Chong, you hit the line!
Line is out.
No, line is in.
Hey, my court, my rule, lover boy!
What, you wanna give up right now?
I'm never gonna win with him
making up the rules as he goes.
Yeah, we can. (Trish sighing)
Serve the damn ball, Chong!
(Chong sighing)
(upbeat music)
(ball hitting Chong in the groin)
What, you gonna call that one out too?
(chuckling) Lucky shot!
You ain't going to be
that lucky next time, bitch!
My serve, ball?
Hey, I'll serve.
Are you sure?
Trust me.
Chong's backhand is weak.
My serve is more spin than yours.
This point wins, make it count.
I always do.
(Chong sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Trish, Chaz and Chong playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Ooh!
(Chong's pistol firing)
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish sighing)
Good game, bitches!
I beat you fair and square, Chong!
It's over.
Of course, it's over.
Chong shot himself in his ass.
What about the money?
(Trish sighing)
What's password?
(laughing) Golden Corral.
What?
Your password is Golden Corral?
Yeah,
Oh, all-you-can-eat.
You American are so entitled.
You're gonna have to
answer for the others, Chong!
It's okay.
(Chong groaning in pain)
Chong will be gone by then.
Oh yeah.
(Chong groaning in pain)
One more thing about my name.
What about it?
It doesn't mean a man who
play with integrity and gratitude.
What does it mean then?
Rooster?
A small cock,
(Chong moaning in pain)
I also have a small cock.
My father is an asshole.
(playful music)
Is he...?
He's gone.
(Trish gasping)
- Okay.
- Okay.
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish sighing)
(playful music)
What do we do now?
Uh!
Would you like to have dinner with me?
I'm buying. (Chaz chuckling)
Only thing is, you gotta pay me for it.
- Pay for what?
- The date.
(Chaz chuckling)
Good serve, Lawless!
[Sassy] Well, there
you go, a happy ending.
Well, sorta.
There's still a bunch of
dead bodies to answer for,
but you know what I mean.
This is Sassy Arasida saying
so long from Chong's backyard.
Peace, bitches!
[Speaker] Outline Hospital, bro!
I brought the book though.
Damn!
I hate when I do this.
[Speaker] Night out, hip hop.com.
Yeah
Holy smoke, some
no joke out the bullpen
Bringing nothing but heat
Leave you hanging like closed pen
He's a beast when he goes in
Ice cold frozen
The first round draft
pick number one chosen
Truck bombs explosion
A self-promotion
And I keep shit moving
like a flanker in motion
I'm the number one spokesman
It's my devotion that I'm
dedicated to the rhyme
It's my own notion
Round one is the potion
It put hammer on your chest
Or you could put one in the urn there
To put you to rest
Sweet dreams
I'm about to fade
I got my mind, all my money in
I'm dreaming about
getting the soul paid
Mr. Go Getter,
Mr. Assertive, Mr. Initiative
Geez
Mr. Results, man, I'm
all about my business, kid
Damn
I mean, need I say more?
I mean, what more can I say?
You know the play
Back for the last time
This time I mean that
I did a lot of shows, but
you ain't never seen that
I did a lot of battles
I ain't even have to win it
I hit them with the song
They ain't even trying to spin it
I took a lot of pictures
What the fuck!
I ain't in it
But when I hit the mic, I crash
Y'all did it
I did a lot of promo
Did a lot of interviews
Y'all getting hated and
a lot have been accused
What else?
Misunderstood and ridiculed
What else?
Acting like I ain't
never been to school
Shit
How soon they forget
I stood the test of time
But why now she, yeah
Best is yeah
Best that, uh-huh
Won this one that will kill tracks
Hey
Videos with the city
in the back in the sun
Rooftop and the diamond in the hair
Hey
Videos with the city in
the back in the sun rooftop
Yeah.
Yeah, no, actually,
that's six months of Viagra
and three months of pre-ejaculation wipes.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, that's it.
And when you say discrete packaging,
what do you mean by that exactly?
Because the last bag
you sent was very phallic.
It had like a limp dick drawn on it, it
(Ching chuckling)
Surprise!
(Chaz dropping mobile phone)
Chong!
I'm not Chong, I'm Ching.
Wait, your name is Ching?
Yeah.
Your name is Ching and
your brother's name is Chong?
My parents are real assholes.
I'm sure when they named us,
they just dropped all the bowls
and pans to see how they sound.
I am Ching, my twin brother is Chong,
and you are the one who killed him.
What, wait, wait!
I didn't kill your brother.
(Ching chuckling)
I promise.
Chong basically held
us hostage in his house
and forced us to play pickleball.
And then when he lost,
he slipped and fell back
and the gun kind of went...
He shot himself in his asshole.
Oh yeah, I'm sure that happens.
No, that's the truth.
I promise, you have my word.
(Ching chuckling)
You will reject to me.
Where are the $10 million right now?
Yeah.
Trish, one of the other players,
she took it to the police,
so no one has Chong's money,
it's gone.
Well, shit!
Ching, for what it's worth,
I am really, really sorry about Chong,
but he had some issues.
I mean, did you know he
railed lines like Elton John?
The man was an Asian Keith Richards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what?
We should do something to honor Chong Soo.
Honor!
How?
Pickleball tournament!
No!
No, no, no, no way, man!
I'm not going through that shit again.
Did you know,
I have not been able to
get hard-on in a month,
much less play competitive match?
Dude, that sounds
like a personal problem.
(chuckling) And funny,
your name is Chaz Boner.
It's Bonner!
It's Bonner.
That's what I just say, Chaz Bonner.
This time we play for the ultimate prize.
- Again?
- Come again?
(Chaz sighing)
No, it's just, last time Chong said,
the ultimate prize was $10 million too.
Anyway, continue.
This time we play for
Chong's golden paddle.
I thought Chong sold his golden paddle
to pay off his gambling debts.
He did, but lucky for Ching,
I know exactly where to find it,
but first we may have to go steal it.
Steal!
Ching, no, I cannot do this!
Of course, you can!
Come now, we got a long flight to catch.
Flight!
To where?
The birthplace of Ching and Chong.
We're going to China!
(Ching laughing)
(upbeat music)
(airplane rotary engine buzzing)
(airplane humming)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term,
blow term, blow term
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
[Sassy] Yo, this is pickleball,
the fastest growing sport in America.
A game that teaches you white folks
how to bounce back from failure
and how to use that
mystical seven foot wide area
on either side of the
net to your advantage,
which for some reason
two numbed up brothers call "The kitchen."
I mean, really, bitch, you cooking?
Anyway, like I was saying, it's a game,
which teaches you to not pop
the goddamn ball up in the air,
but if you do,
well, fortunately it's
basically a big ass Wiffle ball,
but tell that to the guy who
just ate his dink for lunch,
and has ball marked semi-permanently
indented into his dumb-ass forehead.
But apart from the open play,
there's a much darker underworld brewing
just below the clay tile surface here.
A world in which this inherently fun game
has become much more deadly.
Sounds like a good ass movie I'd watch.
These are "The Pickleball Murders", bitch!
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Hello?
Over here.
You got a paddle?
Yeah.
In my bag.
I was just hoping
someone would help me
understand what I'm doing here.
You want someone
else to help you understand
what you are doing here?
I guess.
Yeah, that sounds stupid
when you say it out loud.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
Well, look, I just got this note
telling me to show up here,
and I haven't seen anyone
around until I saw you.
(Trish hits the ball with the paddle)
My point!
I was not ready.
I didn't know we were... Playing?
Yeah, no, I asked, if you had a paddle?
Are you ready for the spin cycle?
A what?
The spin cycle.
Keep that shit on high.
Oh, totally, I get it.
(upbeat music)
Oh!
(upbeat music)
Down the middle solves the riddle.
Totally, nice shot!
- Trish.
- Ah, I'm Chaz.
- Bonner, right?
- Yeah.
2019 APA Player of the Year?
Trish Lawless.
I saw you playing in Fairfax,
you put on some weight.
Oh, I've been eating my feelings.
Yeah, thanks for noticing.
Wait, Trish Lawless as in
PPA's Arizona Cup winner?
Oh, I thought I'd recognize that smash.
If it's high, I make him cry.
(Chaz chuckling)
I got the same letter, by the way.
Yeah, so any idea what we're doing here?
(Chong applauding)
(somber music)
He Kai, He Kai!
Who the hell is this guy?
I have no clue.
Hi there, my name is Chaz, this is Trish.
Can I assume this is your house?
Well, welcome.
Okay, I see, this is his house.
He is probably the guy
that sent us the letters.
Okay.
Hey, what does that mean, He Kai?
It means to gain the
approval of the audience,
or to be a killer of someone famous.
Well, Lucy translated, of course.
Wow!
That's a big difference.
Hey, I know some Mandarin Chinese myself.
Check this out.
Who you hiding?
Why you munching?
No, nothing.
Okay, just tell us what
we're doing here then.
Hey, why don't you just come inside?
The others are already waiting.
(somber music)
(Trish sighs)
(intense music)
Sorry about the mess, cleaning lady died.
Wait, she died?
You know what, sucks to be me, right?
She didn't die in the house, did she?
Well, we are not entirely sure.
You see, no one really found her body yet.
So maybe, who knows?
This place is nice.
Hey, can I get you anything to drink?
Water, soda, Sun AD,
(Chong sniffing)
Cocaine?
I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?
Cocaine, no, of course, not.
We don't have those stuff here,
unless you really want it.
Water stein.
Yeah, water.
(Trish catching water bottle)
(Chaz catching water bottle)
So are you gonna tell
us what we're doing here?
Well, pickleball tournament, of course.
- What else?
- I'm sorry.
Did you say, a pickleball tournament?
Yeah.
Did you read the letter I sent you?
Yeah, I did, it said
nothing about a tournament.
- Are you sure?
- Positive.
Look, it says, "Follow
your pickleball dreams,
meet here or don't.
Chong."
And there's like a
hand-drawn map of some sort.
Shoot, I must have
sent you the wrong letter.
My assistant died last week.
English is my second language.
Wait, what?
So is there a prize?
Prize?
Yeah, what do we get if we win?
(Chong's alarm ringing)
Oh, shoot, look at the time.
Time for Chong to get changed.
I'll tell you tonight, but what,
let me slip into something more
appropriate for the company,
and when I return, all your
question will be answered.
Okay?
Good, todos!
Hey, cocaine, still in the fridge.
I don't want any cocaine.
I wanna know what's for dinner?
Ah, yeah, I don't know.
Hmm.
You do get the joke though, right?
Why are you munching?
No, I get it.
Just it's a little racially
insensitive. (Chuckling)
(Trish sighing)
Oh, (chuckling) please,
get outta the kitchen.
Oh, (chuckling) I totally get that.
Stupid!
(rooster crowing)
(playful music)
Ladies and gentlemen, once again,
welcome to my humble abode.
This place is fucking nice!
Do you mind if I ask what
has set you back there, Chang?
Maybe it's nicer than your double-wide.
[Chaz] It's Chong.
Huh?
You called him Ching, his name is Chong.
On the line, on the line.
Woo, hmm!
Yeah, one more thing there, Chang,
I don't eat no panda, elephant,
or whatever the fuck
you trying to even think
it's funny to watch as blue bloods eat.
Blue?
Get blue.
You think our blood is
red, you fucking idiot!
I got two weeks of community college
under this fanny pack, you dick weed!
Gotcha, my apologies.
Do you always smoke at the table?
Yeah, I do.
I fucking fart, I smoke, and I spit,
and if the mood strikes me just right,
I just might bend over and
wink at you with my brown eye.
Is that okay with you, darling?
- I'm good.
- On the line.
On the line.
Woo, eh, huh, ugh!
You said that already, man!
He's got Tourette's, he can't help it.
Yeah, I got Tourette's too.
Hear ye, hear ye.
(Teresa farting)
Well, I've lost my appetite.
What's up with this guy?
What about him?
Gary Cooper, the strong,
silent type. (Chuckling)
Oh, don't tell me none of
you watched "The Sopranos"?
(Steve mumbling)
(Chong laughing)
That's Soft Serve
Steve, a man of few words.
He prefer to let his play on the court
to do the talking for him.
I don't know about
all you, motherfuckers,
but when I hear the word "Soft Serve",
my mind races elsewhere.
- Here we go.
- What?
I can't be the only one thanking it,
you might as well just
call him Limp Dick Larry,
Or Phoenix Fred.
Herey-herey-woop!
Or Dingle Foot Dave. (Chaz laughing)
What's a dingle foot?
It's when your toes
are shaped like a penis.
Oh!
Totally I knew that.
All right guys, enough!
Why don't you let me explain to you
why I have all of you here today?
As I look around this table,
I see a plethora of pickleball champion:
Trailer Park Teresa, eight-time
Palestine Pro M champion;
Larry Lobstopper, six-time APA all-star,
and three-time MPPA MVP;
Trish Lawless, two-time Point champion,
and last year PPA Arizona Cup winner;
Tony Tourettes... Whoop!
2023 New Jersey Player of the Year;
Steve "Soft Serve" Roberts,
this year APA point leaders
and two-time tournament of
Boss Championship winner.
Hmm!
Hmm!
Hmm!
Um, something wrong?
No, no, you just forgot me.
Well, of course, Chaz Boner.
Bonner, it's Bonner.
Chaz Bonner, APA Rookie of the Year,
and 2019 Player of the Year.
- You've gained some weight.
- Thanks.
Now that we all know
who is who, the rules.
Game is to play for three points,
single tournament only, and no doubles.
Sudden death rules always.
The seeding?
Did everybody eat your appetizer?
The spring rolls were
like actually delicious.
Well, (chuckling) your seed number
may have got into your first course.
(Chong chuckling)
Surprise!
So how the fuck do we
know what number we are?
Well, I guess you have to wait
for eight hours to find out.
Like for Teresa, hers
is already halfway out.
Lick my fucking split, Lobstopper!
Let's split, lick my split!
Woo, hmm!
Chong, it's getting a little ridiculous.
Yeah, what if you don't have my brand
of coffee in the morning?
Yeah, and I'm partial about toilet.
Well, don't worry,
I may have put some Ex-Lax in your water,
just to help you out.
(Chong chuckling)
What do we win?
Single tournament, means the last men
or women standing win,
hmm, $10 million.
(Chaz laughing)
Oh, you don't believe me!
Well, I may have the money right here.
Ta-Ta!
(gong beating)
Chong, what the hell is that?
You said $10 million.
Well, that is $10 million.
That is a thumb drive.
Well, no, Sherlock!
You win a tournament, I
gave you the thumb drive
along with the Cayman Island
offshore account password.
Easy-peasy wheelers.
(Chong's alarm ringing)
Oops!
Look at the time!
Time for Chong to catch some Z's.
I need my 13 hours.
So that's it?
Yeah, that's it.
You go to sleep, you shit out
your number in the morning,
and meet me on the court.
Okay?
(speaker sighing)
(Chong chuckling)
Good night!
Keep your butthole tight.
(Chong laughing)
Someone has to check
if he is a sexual predator.
[Sassy] All right, now listen up,
before all you
pickleball-obsessed motherfuckers
start writing the film,
producers let us about how the rules,
that funky little Asian fella
just explained aren't real,
and how they'd be
faking all that shit, chill!
Sassy Arasida is here to
explain pickleball scoring,
according to Chong.
(upbeat music)
Here to help me explain how
this year pickleball tournament
is gonna work is trashy Teresa.
It's Trailer Park Teresa.
[Sassy] That's what I said.
And honey, drop the attitude,
I don't play that shit.
Anyway, here to help
this backwards trophy wife
is this dummy.
I know, right?
Literally this is a dummy.
Anyway, the game is pretty much played
as it normally would be
except in sudden death strong rules.
We play the best of three.
Serve it, girl!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa serving ball)
See there, the dummy standing there,
like a stupid ass dummy
letting the ball drop
right past him and shit,
so Trailer Park gets the point.
So now the score is one to nothing.
Go on TP, do your thing.
(upbeat music)
(Teresa serving ball)
Stupid dummy, at least get a paddle!
Another point for Trailer Park.
And that's it, folks.
First player with the two points wins.
You get it?
I know it's not how
the real game is played,
but dude, it's a movie.
By the way, nice fanny pack, TP!
Anyway, back to Chaz Bonner, Trish Lawless,
and the rest of the gang.
Hey!
Hey!
Some dinner, huh?
Yeah, it was interesting.
So my room is at the end of the hall.
(Trish chuckling)
Good night, fatty!
I'm not that fat.
(Trish sighing)
I mean, what do you think about all this?
- Which part?
- Chong, the $10 million.
[Tony] $10 million.
- Good night, Tony!
- Good night, Tony!
[Tony] Whoop, eh!
(Chaz sighing)
- Jesus!
- My God!
I mean, how do we know
the thumb drive isn't just blank,
or the only thing on it is like two girls
and one cup. (Chaz laughing)
What is that?
(chuckling) What?
Better see him right here right now.
Dude, two girls, one cup.
Let him through.
Just let him through.
(sighing) What's up, honey?
Hey, I'm getting older.
(upbeat music)
What is that?
It's this gross video,
it's a precise point.
No, well, it's a lot of money,
and this house is pretty awesome.
So I say we just show up
tomorrow morning on the court,
shit out our numbers and
take the game as it comes.
The day I hit my first earning,
(Chaz chuckling)
I fell in love with the game.
(upbeat music)
Yeah, me too.
All right, Boner! (Sighing)
Bonner. (Trish chuckling)
- Good talk.
- Yeah.
I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah.
Oh!
Thank you for that surprise.
(upbeat music)
Jesus!
(playful music)
Hi!
You smell Etherealki.
Hmm!
Not in a good way.
(upbeat music)
No wait, I need to go!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa farting)
[Tony] $10 million, whoop!
(Chaz sighing)
(Chaz hitting the ball on
the net with the paddle)
(upbeat music)
(Thunder and lightning striking)
(upbeat music)
Nice serve, Bonner!
What are you doing here, Lobstopper?
I'll play you for her.
Play for who?
You know who.
(upbeat music)
(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
That was out, Bonner?
That was in.
Oh, you're gonna walk away?
You gonna walk away, huh?
Because you got beat by Fatty,
Fatty fucking Magoo!
(upbeat music)
Okay.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, I feel it!
Come on!
Oh, come on!
Be good!
Oh, which number did you work for?
Come on!
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh God!
Oh, oh, the Joe means plug meal.
Ooh!
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh (mumbling)
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
No, it's too much, it's too much.
Oh (mumbling) come on, Chaz!
Last name is a boner.
Oh, your last name is a boner.
Oh, God!
Oh, so much cheese and sugar (mumbling)
Oh God!
There I go.
No, no, fuck!
Oh God!
Oh, I feel like a volleyball.
Oh, God!
Oh, please!
Oh, I don't need to
know what my seeding is.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, it's logs.
Logs just kind of shit.
Damn, (mumbling) a happy place.
On the chord.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Hmm, oh, oh, it's coming.
(Chaz defecating in toilet)
Oh, it's just gas!
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- Are you all right?
- I am so constipated.
Pickleball, two word,
as synonymous as Grand
Canyon and RuPaul Drug Race.
Are you sure, Pickleball
is one word and RuPaul...
Eh, forget it!
A game that is so complicate to master
that it take not only extreme skill,
but discipline to outsmart your opponents.
I'm sorry, dispin?
Yeah, what pin you're talking about?
Discipline.
Discipline.
As I was saying...
What was I saying?
Goddammit, when did that happen?
Anyway, you got your
shitty piece of numbers?
All right, read aloud.
Numero uno, bitches!
Two.
Three.
Four, four, four, eeah, whoop!
Five.
That makes me six.
All right, I guess the game is set.
First up, number one
seed, first is number six.
Trailer Park Teresa versus Chaz Boner.
It's Bonner!
That's what I just say.
Okay, warm-up on the court in five.
(upbeat music)
You all right?
Oh, (farting) I'm fine.
- Hmm.
- Are you sure?
You look a little weird!
Nope, I'm fine.
It's just, it's nervousness, I promise.
Okay. (Chaz sighing)
Look, I need you to stay in the game.
I know you somewhat,
which is more than I can
say for these freak shows.
Yeah.
(sighing) So from what I can remember,
Teresa can't backpedal well,
so if you get in the open,
dink it over her head,
and she'll have trouble
getting back on her heels.
Yeah? (Chaz sighing)
Yeah, yeah.
So we can trust Chong,
and so we stick together.
Okay?
Okay.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Drive, drop, dink!
- Yeah.
- Repeat it.
God, okay.
Drive, drop, dink.
Yeah, heard.
You got this.
Thanks.
You as likewise as well.
(Chaz farting)
Goddammit!
Oh!
(Chaz sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(thrilling music)
Oh, it's... (laughing)
(laughing) That's a Delio, Boner!
That is the grossest
thing I've ever heard.
But I'm ready, let's go.
You fucker!
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(thrilling music)
Oh, game is now one to one.
Next one win.
(upbeat music)
(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
(Teresa falling down)
Ho-ho!
Winner, Chaz Bonner!
(Chaz rejoicing
triumphantly) (Chong laughing)
Yes, and the winner is Chaz Bonner.
Woo!
(Chaz laughing)
Thanks.
Yeah.
- Hey, are you all right?
- Huh!
Uh!
- You all right?
- You good?
Let me get that.
(mumbling) blow on it.
Blow on, oh yeah.
Hey, you gave me, all right?
Eat my ass!
- Okay.
- I'm damaged fruit, fucker!
Excuse me, darling!
Yeah, (mumbling)
- Bye from me, Chong!
- No, no, no, no!
(Chong shooting Teresa with a gun)
Chong, what are you doing?
(players exclaiming)
She's gone!
Oh my God!
(Teresa farting)
I think she shit her pants. (Chaz retching)
It happens sometimes.
That's all she always smells.
(Teresa's defecating) (Chaz retching)
(Trish exclaiming)
Oh God! (Steve sighing)
[Chong] You all know the rules.
[Trish] This isn't funny, Chong!
Yeah?
What do you think I meant
when I say "sudden death"?
(Chong's cell phone ringing)
- Oh, right there.
- Phone ringing.
(Chong chuckling) Cell phone ringing.
Lunch ready.
Who is hungry?
I'm making panini.
Oh, fuck this!
- I'm leaving!
- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chong, Chong, you can't just kill people!
Don't do this!
Oh yeah!
Guess what, I just did.
Beside what do you care?
You want that $10 million, don't you?
Not if it means you
have to kill people to get it.
What are you a hero now, you fat-ass?
We're leaving, Chong!
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Maybe this is a good
time for me to tell you,
your seed number and the only thing cooked
into your delicious egg roll last night
this toxin racing through your
body right now as we speak.
Trying to leave?
I use this,
a chemical reactor
that sends all your
asses to cardiac arrest.
So what is it going to be?
Stay and finish the damn tournament,
or everybody gone bye, bye, bye?
How long is the toxin in our system for?
(chuckling) Not long, three or four days.
Three or four days!
He's got us by the balls.
That's lady ball!
Come on, lunch getting cold.
Someone grab the damn headband.
Me like it!
What do we do now?
We need to get the gun from him.
Even if we get the gun,
he still has the detonator.
Someone should call the police.
- What?
- It's Steve.
Remember he doesn't speak.
Okay, so we need the gun
- and the detonator, yeah?
- Yeah.
Y'all will be quiet?
I say we play along.
[Chaz] And what about Teresa?
There's nothing we can do about that now.
I say one of us tries to
sneak off during next match.
And what, going to cardiac arrest?
Yeah, if Chong catches
any of us trying to sneak off,
he could fly out the handle
and kill us all anyway.
(Chaz sighing)
Who plays next?
If we go by the seeding, me and Larry.
Okay, I say, we go in the house,
have some lunch,
and just figure out some
sort of plan that makes sense.
The two of you have to
put on a hell of a match
and make it last.
Neither of you can lose, yeah?
Panini, panini, chicken pesto.
Eh, uh, hmm!
Exactly!
Is everyone good?
Good?
As good as we can be until
we figure something else out.
(upbeat music)
Got it, got it!
Whoop!
(upbeat music)
(laughing) Ladies and gentlemen,
next up we have Trish Lawless
versus Larry Lobstopper.
Champion choices,
champion, this gotta be good.
(upbeat music)
And remember, if you
lose, your ass is canned.
Ready?
Ready.
Ready.
All right, let's pickleball, bitches!
Okay, so make sure they
have a good volley going,
and that Chong is distracted by the play.
Okay?
I'll sneak in the house and
find a phone or something.
I was thinking (indistinct) you, boner!
All right, okay.
Thank you.
(upbeat music)
Good.
Score is Larry Lobstopper
one, Trish serve. (Laughing)
Time out, Chong!
Time out. (Chong sighing)
Time out.
Larry, what the hell, man?
This is not part of the plan,
you're supposed to keep the game going
for as long as possible.
To hell with that.
If she wins, I die.
That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
(Chaz mumbling)
Oh!
Um, he's in it for himself.
He's afraid if he loses,
Chong will bust a cap in his ass.
He said that?
More or less.
Yeah, look, the deal is,
you gotta give me some
time with this next point.
And the only way to do that, sudden death.
- Yeah?
- Got it.
Just make it last as long as you can.
The lipstick looks great by the way.
Thanks, I like yours too.
Chong is bored.
Come on, let's paddle.
(upbeat music)
(Larry and Trish playing pickleball)
Whoop!
Eh!
(eerie music)
Oh!
(Chaz sighing)
I'm not that fatty.
(eerie music)
Oh, it's (mumbling)
(Chaz retching)
(mumbling) doesn't have a phone.
(suspenseful music)
Ooh! (Eerie music)
Do you know why she's dead?
She's dead.
(somber music)
(upbeat music)
Holy shit, Lawless got the point.
This shit is getting good! (Chuckling)
Real good!
(upbeat music)
Chaz!
(eerie music)
God, Jesus, Chong!
God, you scared me!
What are you doing here?
All the actions are outside on the court.
Right, I just had to use the bathroom.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
What's wrong with the one in your room?
Nothing, it's really nothing.
I did run out of toilet paper though.
I really have to go.
Ooh, number two.
Yep.
- Why don't you say so?
- Oh!
- Use mine, I got a bidet!
- A bidet!
Great!
(playful music)
There's nothing like a fresh clean ass.
Mm-hmm, and you better hurry.
Next point wins.
You don't want to miss the loser get shot.
Get shot!
No, I don't wanna miss that at all.
I'm actually really excited for that part.
- All right then.
- So.
- Go.
- Excuse me.
(playful music)
Thank you.
Tight games.
The match is now one to one.
Remember, next point win.
Lawless, you'll serve.
This is it, Lawless!
Didn't have to be this way, Larry.
I don't lose, not when
there's this much on the line.
[Trish] Don't lob it.
I never do.
(upbeat music)
(Trish and Larry playing pickleball)
Ho-ho!
Game set, match.
Hmm, so sad.
I don't like that hair, Backstreet Boy!
No, Chong, no!
(Chong shooting Larry with gun)
Well, I guess that concludes today game,
tomorrow we start early.
Well, not too early.
Tony Tourettes, you and Soft Serve are up.
(playful music)
Everybody get some rest.
Be sure to attend the
breakfast. (Chuckling)
I do have a waffle machine
look just like a Mickey Mouse.
(playful music)
Night, night!
Don't make a pillow fight. (Chuckling)
(playful music)
Hey!
What the hell happened?
I don't know, I couldn't find a phone,
and then Chong just found me.
$10 million are not
much worth this, I can take.
Trish!
Trish!
Me neither!
Come on, man!
Not you too?
Whoop!
Guys, guys!
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term, blow
term, blow term, blow term
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
No play, no time
Assistant turn blow blind
Blow term, blow term,
blow term, blow term
(upbeat music)
(Chaz knocking door)
Come in.
Can I come in?
- You already are.
- Um
Just shut the door behind you.
How are you feeling?
There's banana splits downstairs.
I don't want Chong's banana split.
Look, about today, I'm sorry.
I tried.
I am.
Doesn't matter.
(upbeat music)
I think I have another plan.
Again?
Well, okay, one that
might actually work this time.
Okay, what is it?
It's complicated,
and I'm not sure you're gonna like it.
Okay, go on.
Well, Steve and Tony play each other
first tomorrow, right?
One of them loses,
and then it's you and me
against the winner in the finals.
Yeah?
Yeah.
We have to make sure we
are the last two players standing.
Okay, but how is that possible?
I mean, you said it yourself.
Either one of us plays Soft Serve or Tony.
Yeah, but that can't happen, okay?
So look, Chong said we have three
or four days until this poison
kinda clears out of
our bodies, or whatever.
It's been about two days.
So that means if we can both
survive just two more days,
it'll be you and me in the finals,
and then that means we'll be 2-1-1.
And the detonator will
be out of the equation.
Exactly!
Okay.
But for that to happen,
both Tony and Steve
would have to lose, how?
Doubles.
What?
I mean, Chong specifically
said singles, no doubles.
Yeah, just leave that part up to me.
Look, you and me facing
off against each other
in the finals,
by then the detonator will be useless,
and I'll hatch up another plan
to help us escape this place.
Yeah?
Are you sure about this?
Uh, I am.
I mean, as much as (Trish sighing)
I can be anyway.
Besides what choice do I have?
(upbeat music)
Well, where are you going now?
To convince Chong to change
the rules for tomorrow's game.
[Speaker] With a bad reputation,
that sometimes gets away, which should be.
That's a direct quote from
this morning's newspaper.
[Speaker] Thank you for the sharing.
I'm quite flattered.
[Speaker] That's what
the angry people of this town
think about you, doc.
- Oh!
- Good God!
Good God! (Chong laughing)
Gotcha!
It's not God,
it's me, Chong Soo.
Obviously, I know that, Chong, yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Sit.
- What's up?
- Carry on.
Can't sleep?
You wanna rub it off for you?
No, I'm good.
Oh, still hungry?
I got some pineapple hummus.
No, really I'm fine.
(chuckling) Still have
that blow, if you want it.
No, Chong, I don't want any drugs
or whatever you're talking about,
I just wanted to ask you something.
So I'm gonna shit the bed.
Talk!
I just wanted
to ask you to reconsider
changing the rules for tomorrow's game.
What rules?
[Chaz] Doubles.
Yeah, what about it?
Well, I want Trish and I to play Steve
and Tony in a doubles match tomorrow.
Now before you say no,
hear me out.
Okay?
So the other night you were talking
about how you were dining
amongst a plethora of champions,
which you were right about, (chuckling)
But the fact of the matter is,
none of us have won jack
squat in the doubles match.
Look, if you got a
point, get there faster.
We're all singles champions.
(chuckling) Yeah, I know shit, and?
But doubles is more aggressive.
You have to cover the center window.
Why not put all four of us to the test?
You seem to enjoy watching the matches.
This will really force
us to amp up our game.
[Speaker] You were born in Georgia?
Hmm.
Lawless and Bonner on
the same side of the net.
Chong is intrigued.
I tell you what, lemme sleep on it,
you'll have my answer in the morning.
But I can guarantee to you this.
If I find out this is
some kind of immunity,
(somber music)
I kill all of you tomorrow,
your girlfriend first.
(somber music)
Huh!
(eerie music)
I dunno.
(eerie music)
So?
I don't know, I guess
we'll find out in a minute.
- You look great, by the way.
- Thanks.
Are those children's sunglasses?
Morning, morning!
So slight change of plans today.
Last night I was just laying in bed,
blew the biggest load,
and it got me thinking,
why not play in doubles today?
Doubles, doubles, whoop, eeh!
Really put your
pickleball skill to the test,
don't you think?
Pair up, let me see what you got.
Well, Chong does not like
what he is seeing right now.
Shante, that way!
Yes, you.
You, the other side.
Much better.
Let's do this, bitches!
Go!
What the hell is this, Chaz?
I don't know.
This isn't what we discussed.
Hey, hey, hey, less
chatting, more paddle,
Chong is bored.
(upbeat music)
Pickleball!
Service!
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Point.
(upbeat music)
Point.
What the hell was that?
I won't do it.
He'll kill us, if you don't play.
What does it matter?
Either way we die.
Trish, don't do this!
Hey, what's the hold up?
Tony Tourettes, your ball.
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
Point.
Dammit, Chaz!
Really?
What?
You know what, Chaz?
Cut the shit!
You can play that game.
If you go down, I go down too.
(chuckling) Love the score.
I like it. (Chuckling)
Now we both have to play, like it or not.
(upbeat music)
(Tony, Steve, Trish and
Chaz playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Hoo-hoo, that's the point!
Lawless and Soft Serve for the W.
No one saw that coming.
Chaz!
It's okay really, it's fine.
Just promise me you'll
make it outta here alive,
$10 million or not, okay?
Okay.
(Chong shooting Steve)
(Chong shooting Tony)
(somber music)
(Trish sighing)
Chong!
What the hell, man?
I know, right?
- Surprise!
- But why?
Because right here, Chong make the rules,
not Lawless, not Bonner.
(playful music)
So what does this mean for us?
Now we go inside and have a little chat.
(playful music)
Chong Soo,
in Chinese it means
a man who play with
integrity and gratitude.
A name that my father passed on to me
as part of our Qing dynasty language,
a time when Mongol horsemen ruled China.
Something you do not know about me is
that in my country I was
simply the most distinguished
and well-celebrated
pickleball player of all-time.
50 grand champion wins;
Many, many slammed victories;
And the only player that
was awarded a golden paddle
by the President, Xi Jinping, himself.
(Chaz sighing)
I was simply quite the man.
Was?
The house never beats the player,
but the player does to himself.
I start gambling all my winnings,
I start (indistinct) on Pickleball courts.
Not before long, I owned
every bookie money.
And the only way out was
to sell my golden paddle,
and flee to the dark and
dirty underbelly of pickleball.
Japan?
No, Gulf Shores, Alabama.
Over there I challenged
cruise ship, director, entertainer,
and frat boy to some pickleball games.
For what?
For some spare change.
That was a dark time of Chong's life.
Guess what?
Just like Barry Bonds or Pete Rose
or any other disgraced sports personality.
Hey, I eventually win all my winning back,
and then once again become
beloved by general public
- Yeah.
- All over again.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
like neither of those two
guys had that happen.
Eh, tornado tomato!
The deal is, I am the best
because I beat the best.
Tomorrow you two will face off each other,
and the winner is gonna take
Chong Shoo out of retirement once again,
and face me with a one-on-one
winner takes all batch.
Chong, this is insane!
Huh, this is perfect!
APA-forbidden.
Anybody who gamble on the game
to step foot on the pickleball court.
So what do I do?
I drag all of you here to my backyard
and make you play for the ultimate prize.
But $10 million isn't the ultimate prize.
Really it's not.
No, Chong, you're killing people here.
You won't get away with this, Chong!
(Chong chuckling)
Then I will bring down
the best pickleball player from the world.
If I can't have what I want, no one can.
But pickleball is love
because it's a game anyone can enjoy.
You don't have to be the
best to have fun playing it.
That's the whole point of the game.
He's right, anyone can play
the sport, champion or not.
Girl, please!
That's only something a loser will say.
What do you think this game is made for,
retirement home, church retreat?
No, I'm pretty sure
that's like exactly who it was made for.
You know what?
Conversation over, Chong is bored.
One of you is gonna die tomorrow.
And remember, try anything funny,
I kill you in your sleep.
(eerie music)
(Chaz sighing)
Well, that went well.
Right.
Do you trust me?
Maybe.
Just come ready to play tomorrow.
I'll take care of the rest.
Hmm, what was that?
- It's a wink.
- No logic, no.
- What, what?
- Is a wink?
No, that wasn't, you're
blinking both eyes, both.
One's going, right?
- No!
- I can't wink?
Mm-hmm.
- It's so sad.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay?
(Trish sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Trish sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Chong sighing)
Game faces.
Chong like it.
Here's the deal, Chong.
You wanna pretend that you
were the best, then prove it.
Chong is the best.
I got a golden paddle, remember?
No, you sold your golden paddle
to pay off your gambling debts.
That doesn't mean anything.
You, you go play!
Give it up, Chong!
That toxin is well out
of our system by now,
and you're not gonna shoot us.
Oh really, smarty-pant!
Let's see about that.
You are thinking
about this all wrong, man!
You were the best back then, an ocean away,
but you're also standing on
discord with the best right now.
You want that glory back?
You don't need a golden paddle,
you only need one thing.
Oh yeah, and what is that?
Play the both of us, handicap match.
(Chong chuckling)
Do I look handicap to you?
No, that's not what I meant.
You play Trish and I to one-on-one.
Hmm.
And what do I get out of this when I win?
(Chaz sighing)
If you win,
you get to kill us both,
and live on knowing you probably beat
six of the best pickleball
players on God's green earth.
So what's it gonna be, Chong?
The man who plays with
integrity and gratitude,
or just another washed-up pickleball player
with a story to tell
anyone who will listen.
I'll tell you what, Chaz,
you got both pickleball.
You want a handicap match?
I gave you the handicap match.
Winner takes all.
All right,
game on, Chong.
Are you sure about this?
It's a little late for second guessing.
Well, in that case.
In case this doesn't go our way.
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish kissing Chaz)
Oh!
Ew, you two get a room!
Service!
Remember, if Chong wanted soft serve,
shoot one up for ice cream.
Goddamn, right!
(upbeat music)
Ball is out!
Nope, that's bullshit,
Chong, you hit the line!
Line is out.
No, line is in.
Hey, my court, my rule, lover boy!
What, you wanna give up right now?
I'm never gonna win with him
making up the rules as he goes.
Yeah, we can. (Trish sighing)
Serve the damn ball, Chong!
(Chong sighing)
(upbeat music)
(ball hitting Chong in the groin)
What, you gonna call that one out too?
(chuckling) Lucky shot!
You ain't going to be
that lucky next time, bitch!
My serve, ball?
Hey, I'll serve.
Are you sure?
Trust me.
Chong's backhand is weak.
My serve is more spin than yours.
This point wins, make it count.
I always do.
(Chong sighing)
(upbeat music)
(Trish, Chaz and Chong playing pickleball)
(upbeat music)
Ooh!
(Chong's pistol firing)
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish sighing)
Good game, bitches!
I beat you fair and square, Chong!
It's over.
Of course, it's over.
Chong shot himself in his ass.
What about the money?
(Trish sighing)
What's password?
(laughing) Golden Corral.
What?
Your password is Golden Corral?
Yeah,
Oh, all-you-can-eat.
You American are so entitled.
You're gonna have to
answer for the others, Chong!
It's okay.
(Chong groaning in pain)
Chong will be gone by then.
Oh yeah.
(Chong groaning in pain)
One more thing about my name.
What about it?
It doesn't mean a man who
play with integrity and gratitude.
What does it mean then?
Rooster?
A small cock,
(Chong moaning in pain)
I also have a small cock.
My father is an asshole.
(playful music)
Is he...?
He's gone.
(Trish gasping)
- Okay.
- Okay.
(Chaz sighing)
(Trish sighing)
(playful music)
What do we do now?
Uh!
Would you like to have dinner with me?
I'm buying. (Chaz chuckling)
Only thing is, you gotta pay me for it.
- Pay for what?
- The date.
(Chaz chuckling)
Good serve, Lawless!
[Sassy] Well, there
you go, a happy ending.
Well, sorta.
There's still a bunch of
dead bodies to answer for,
but you know what I mean.
This is Sassy Arasida saying
so long from Chong's backyard.
Peace, bitches!
[Speaker] Outline Hospital, bro!
I brought the book though.
Damn!
I hate when I do this.
[Speaker] Night out, hip hop.com.
Yeah
Holy smoke, some
no joke out the bullpen
Bringing nothing but heat
Leave you hanging like closed pen
He's a beast when he goes in
Ice cold frozen
The first round draft
pick number one chosen
Truck bombs explosion
A self-promotion
And I keep shit moving
like a flanker in motion
I'm the number one spokesman
It's my devotion that I'm
dedicated to the rhyme
It's my own notion
Round one is the potion
It put hammer on your chest
Or you could put one in the urn there
To put you to rest
Sweet dreams
I'm about to fade
I got my mind, all my money in
I'm dreaming about
getting the soul paid
Mr. Go Getter,
Mr. Assertive, Mr. Initiative
Geez
Mr. Results, man, I'm
all about my business, kid
Damn
I mean, need I say more?
I mean, what more can I say?
You know the play
Back for the last time
This time I mean that
I did a lot of shows, but
you ain't never seen that
I did a lot of battles
I ain't even have to win it
I hit them with the song
They ain't even trying to spin it
I took a lot of pictures
What the fuck!
I ain't in it
But when I hit the mic, I crash
Y'all did it
I did a lot of promo
Did a lot of interviews
Y'all getting hated and
a lot have been accused
What else?
Misunderstood and ridiculed
What else?
Acting like I ain't
never been to school
Shit
How soon they forget
I stood the test of time
But why now she, yeah
Best is yeah
Best that, uh-huh
Won this one that will kill tracks
Hey
Videos with the city
in the back in the sun
Rooftop and the diamond in the hair
Hey
Videos with the city in
the back in the sun rooftop
Yeah.
Yeah, no, actually,
that's six months of Viagra
and three months of pre-ejaculation wipes.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, that's it.
And when you say discrete packaging,
what do you mean by that exactly?
Because the last bag
you sent was very phallic.
It had like a limp dick drawn on it, it
(Ching chuckling)
Surprise!
(Chaz dropping mobile phone)
Chong!
I'm not Chong, I'm Ching.
Wait, your name is Ching?
Yeah.
Your name is Ching and
your brother's name is Chong?
My parents are real assholes.
I'm sure when they named us,
they just dropped all the bowls
and pans to see how they sound.
I am Ching, my twin brother is Chong,
and you are the one who killed him.
What, wait, wait!
I didn't kill your brother.
(Ching chuckling)
I promise.
Chong basically held
us hostage in his house
and forced us to play pickleball.
And then when he lost,
he slipped and fell back
and the gun kind of went...
He shot himself in his asshole.
Oh yeah, I'm sure that happens.
No, that's the truth.
I promise, you have my word.
(Ching chuckling)
You will reject to me.
Where are the $10 million right now?
Yeah.
Trish, one of the other players,
she took it to the police,
so no one has Chong's money,
it's gone.
Well, shit!
Ching, for what it's worth,
I am really, really sorry about Chong,
but he had some issues.
I mean, did you know he
railed lines like Elton John?
The man was an Asian Keith Richards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what?
We should do something to honor Chong Soo.
Honor!
How?
Pickleball tournament!
No!
No, no, no, no way, man!
I'm not going through that shit again.
Did you know,
I have not been able to
get hard-on in a month,
much less play competitive match?
Dude, that sounds
like a personal problem.
(chuckling) And funny,
your name is Chaz Boner.
It's Bonner!
It's Bonner.
That's what I just say, Chaz Bonner.
This time we play for the ultimate prize.
- Again?
- Come again?
(Chaz sighing)
No, it's just, last time Chong said,
the ultimate prize was $10 million too.
Anyway, continue.
This time we play for
Chong's golden paddle.
I thought Chong sold his golden paddle
to pay off his gambling debts.
He did, but lucky for Ching,
I know exactly where to find it,
but first we may have to go steal it.
Steal!
Ching, no, I cannot do this!
Of course, you can!
Come now, we got a long flight to catch.
Flight!
To where?
The birthplace of Ching and Chong.
We're going to China!
(Ching laughing)
(upbeat music)
(airplane rotary engine buzzing)
(airplane humming)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)