The Pistol Shrimps (2016) Movie Script

[woman]: It is really difficult
to go undefeated in any sport.
I think, you know,
there's the term,
"any given Sunday,"
so, like, any team is capable
of beating any other team,
but, you know, sometimes,
it's got to be, like, you know,
your very best day,
and somebody else's
maybe not their best day,
and those things coinciding.
Don't you like to win?
I mean,
who doesn't like to win?
So, it's almost impossible
to go undefeated.
[Jimmy Fallon]:
Here is Aubrey Plaza.
You're in a-- a women's
basketball league?
[Aubrey]: You can come see it
every Tuesday night.
I'm on a team
called the Pistol Shrimps.
The Pistol Shrimps?
That's me right there,
uh, giving the finger.
[Jimmy]: Yeah.
Very nice.
Appreciate that.
And, uh, we're a really
serious basketball team.
No, you're not.
Yeah, we are.
It's time
to lay down some hardwood
and skin some rubber.
You're listening
to us broadcasting
from a corner of the gym.
Spirited, positive,
and ready for action.
Sounds like Pistol Shrimps'
basketball to me.
Now let's hear
the starting lineup.
Number 9,
Amanda "Fun Buns" Lund.
Number 53, Paisley Grey.
Number 3, Melissa Stetten.
Number 99, Jesse Thomas.
Number 1, Aubrey Plaza.
19, Stephanie Allynne.
Number 0,
Angela "Swaggy Trim" Trimbur.
Number 11, Tali Levi-Crouch.
Number 16, Maria Blasucci.
Number 8, Kelly "KV" Vallon.
Number 25,
Laura "Lights Out" Jack.
Number 33, Molly Hawkey.
Number 21, Ingrid...
"Han Mah Boogie!" Walla.
It's Shrimps Basketball time.
It's Shrimps Basketball.
This message
is to all of our haters...
"We love to ball,
and we ball hard.
"No haters allowed.
"You're either with us
or against us,
"and may God help you
if you're against us,
because we will dunk
on your ass so hard!"
Hey! Wait! Whoa,
whoa, whoa, hey!
Well, I've never played
I'm not really sure
what basketball is.
I know you're supposed
to get the ball in the hoop.
I don't know if they ever
touched a basketball before,
quite honestly.
I don't think so.
I don't think so at all.
I was playing
a lot of basketball,
but I was always doing
pick-up games with guys.
One day...
thinking to myself,
I really want
to play team sports,
because I don't really get
outside much.
Maria sent out
a little Facebook message
and said, "Do any of you
want to play basketball?
"It'll be a good chance
for all of us to exercise
and then have milkshakes,"
or something like that,
and everybody was like, "Sure!
"I've never played
a sport before,
but that sounds fun."
[Maria]: We went looking
for a rec league,
and it was very hard
to find one.
It took Maria to ask,
"Has anyone ever signed up
for the league before?"
And they were like, "Oh,
this league has not existed in,
like... years."
Women never sign up
to be in a women's league.
And boys have a league,
for whatever reason,
but the girls need
a league, too...
'cause otherwise,
they're just out on the streets.
Maria took it upon herself
to sort of drum up enough teams
to make something happen.
She said, "Yeah, don't worry.
We're all just going
to learn from scratch."
She posted something
on one of the comedy groups.
All of a sudden,
I get, like, an email,
like, okay, first game is this,
and I'm like, "Okay."
Like, I'm on the team,
but it was like,
"I made the team!"
We have to run now.
This is middle school P.E.
all over again.
I remember the first game,
and, like,
I had this pain in my chest
from breathing so hard.
It would just burn so bad,
and it was awesome.
They may have been trying
to put it together for a while,
and all of a sudden,
it just came together.
[Molly]: The ref was like,
"You ladies are doing
something historic today,"
and I said, "Somebody
should've recorded that."
[announcer]: They've found out
Women's Rec League Basketball
didn't exist in Los Angeles,
but they changed that.
They'll probably win
an award or something.
They're called
the Pistol Shrimps.
That was an
incredible move.
What do you bring
to the squad?
Oh, I'm really good
at defence.
I went
to an R.E.M. concert once.
Can you twirl a ball
on your finger like this?
Just give it a shot.
Um, yeah.
Let me just, uh...
Yeah, see?
That was...
good job.
Do you think you can bring
a title to Los Angeles?
It's been a long time.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, we're going
to win the-- the cup...
the Stanley Cup.
We're trying
to interview you
so we can hype
your team, but...
But we don't care
about being famous, okay?
We just want to ball.
We just want
to play basketball.
You wearing
a backpack?
I am.
Do you think
it's stupid
that it's called
when it's women?
Should we call it
Thank you.
So the whole thing
is a miserable failure
and you don't win
any games.
That's not going
to happen.
We're used to that.
We don't care about winning.
We care about playing.
From the beginning,
we lost every game.
I vaguely remember
losing all the time.
First season,
I don't know
that we won any games.
I think maybe one?
No, we were terrible.
Really bad,
embarrassingly bad.
But, you know,
I always learn something.
I would go to a game
just knowing that I would lose.
For a while, we were just
losing and losing and losing.
It was still a lot of fun,
and people came
to watch us play, and, like...
we had fans.
People came to watch us lose.
Like, they knew
we were a losing team,
but they still showed up.
So I came to the first game,
thinking it was going
to be some joke,
and they were really
playing basketball.
Everything worth doing it good
starts out sounding like a lie,
like it's fake.
The one time we won,
it was like, "Oh, right!
That's what we're going for."
I just went in being like,
"Okay, I know I'll lose,
but we'll do better
than the last game,
or we won't get angry
at the other team.
We'll just have fun."
[Matt, sportscasting]:
Well, it's a blustery Tuesday.
I'm thrilled to be back, Mark.
I missed you, as you know,
and in our former life,
we were probably a lot closer
than we are.
I would agree with you, Matt.
Hopefully, the Pistol Shrimps
can summon
the power of Grace Jones
and take home a victory here
tonight at Pan Pacific Park.
[Matt]: This is Season Four
for the women's league
here in L.A.
Three seasons have gone by,
and our Shrimps are back.
[Mark]: Back in action.
This match-up
against the AlleyOopsies.
[Matt]: Smells like
a basketball game's
about to start.
[Mark]: That's right.
It also smells like
what the Rock is...
[team]: Let's go!
Four, five, six!
[Matt]: Stetten will pass
inside to Allynne.
Allynne will turn around
and shoot.
[Mark]: Rim foul, no good.
It's still anybody's game,
but if anybody takes it
from our Shrimps, well,
they're going to have
to talk to you,
right, Mark?
That's right.
We're going
to have a long conversation
out in the parking lot.
She'll dribble around
and drive in.
With a smile on her face.
Tossed it up.
"Han Mah Boogie" puts in
the first two basketball points!
[Mark]: She really is
a basketball whiz.
[Matt]: Now, these AlleyOopsies
look like they're up for a game.
There's nothing oopsies
about 'em.
Everything they do,
they meant to do.
[Mark]: Even their "Oopsies"
on the jerseys is intentional.
[Matt]: You'd think
you'd have a spelling mistake
if it was really an oopsy.
[Mark]: Yeah, how oopsies
are you, Oopsies?
You know,
that reminds me of...
do you remember
when Crunch Berries
put out a special edition
the Oops! All Berries?
not only do I remember it,
I have so many problems with it.
[Matt]: Allynne puts it up
back in Oops territory.
There's two more points
for the Pistolas Pescaditos.
[Mark]: Oh, straight up,
fucking basketball perfection
right there.
[horn blows]
Yeah, and that's a toot-toot
for the half-half.
[Maria]: First hearing that
there's a basketball league,
you go like,
"Aw, no, I don't play,"
but then, seeing people
who've never,
never played before,
it made people go like,
"Oh, I can start a team."
When I first started,
it was literally
only like six teams.
By the second season,
there were 12 teams.
And I don't even
know how...
I feel like there's
at least 20-something.
I would say
there's about like 20 million.
They are up to 24 teams now,
and they use four gyms
on Tuesdays.
All of us
are rushing from our jobs,
and the second
we get on the court,
we're just hype and ready.
There's comedians,
there's actors, there's writers,
there's TV writers,
there's directors.
Tuesday's definitely
the most fun day of the week
for me.
It seems
like it's a comedy league first,
and a basketball league second,
until we step out
on the court,
and then it's...
we... everybody has to win.
There to have fun,
but serious fun.
It's like this weird energy,
that it's like, "I didn't know
that was in you."
I forgot I had this in me.
I thought I grew out of it.
I never played for fun.
Like, I've always
played to win.
We all got bruises,
'cause some games,
it really gets competitive.
We had a girl bust a lip.
My shoulder has, like,
popped out before,
but it, like, goes
right back in immediately.
I hurt my sternum in a game.
Who else is going to bring,
like, their nail game,
you know?
Like, guys aren't going
to have fricking claws.
We mean on the court,
but off the court, we nice.
We do this in all our sports.
I mean, it's adult sports,
and, you know, we want them
to have a nice, big trophy.
People just shake my hand
on the street,
are like, "It's so great
to meet you and the trophy.
Can I touch the trophy?"
I'm like,
"Of course you can't."
Everybody takes it.
It's just
a little bragging right
for that season.
Chasing that dub.
It's coming up.
Act Two is now underway,
and the Oopsies
have come back strong
and put two points
down the swish-bucket.
[Matt]: They don't really
call them "Acts,"
but what do we know?
It's hard to know, isn't it?
[Matt]: Oh, behind the...
[Mark]: Passes back behind
to "Mah Boogie," who puts it up,
and the Oopsies grab control
and fast break down the alley
for two points,
ladies and gentlemen.
Number 14 pops it up
from the Oopsies.
[Matt]: Action shot there.
[Mark]: Rebound, swap meet,
as legs flail and arms wail.
Jesse Thomas
with the free throw.
[Matt]: It's good as gold.
[Mark]: That ball
just turned to a Wookie
and said, "Chewie, we're home."
[Matt snickers]
7 gets
a wide-open shot.
and she takes it
and earns herself two points.
They're closing the lead
with two minutes and 26 seconds
left on the clock.
[Mark]: No doubt about it,
the Pistol Shrimps
are red-hot right now.
[Matt]: I'll say.
"Han Mah Boogie's" got...
Well... Oh, my God.
Behind-the-back dribble
from Jesse Thomas
puts 77 down on her butt.
That was unreal.
That basket stoops to her
and says,
"May I take your ball, please?"
[Mark]: Well, less than a minute
left of basketball here.
I'll take a little picture
of the action
while we're doing
this whole thing.
Picture of the action,
the satisfaction.
[airhorns blow]
[Matt]: Ooh!
The Shrimps just won,
and I haven't said
those words since never.
[Mark]: Matt, I don't have
a problem with that.
We got a lot of high-fives here
from the teams and the coaches.
I don't know
what-- what they're drinking,
but it's working.
My name is Matt Gourley...
I'm Mark McConville...
So my boyfriend, Matt Gourley,
has his little hand
in the honeypot of podcasts.
I would, whenever I could,
go to the games
in the first season.
I don't know,
I was thinking...
"I need another podcast."
Stupid call.
When I got the call from Matt,
he was like,
"I'm thinking of doing, like,
"a two-man play-by-play
of a women's rec league
basketball game,"
and I think I said,
of a women's rec league
basketball game,"
"That's so stupid.
Let's do it."
[Paisley]: The weird thing
about this sports podcast
is that they don't really know
much about sports.
I can fully imagine
that it's not...
that people don't think
it's real,
because they're not really
calling the game.
I mean, they mention things
that happen in the game,
but they're not really
calling the game.
Pesticide-free comedy.
So somebody's coming in,
and somebody's going out.
Mark, if you had
to eat a pesticide,
which one would it be?
[Mark]: I'd ask my dad
'cause he's a farmer.
It's still tied up here.
Trust us,
we'll tell you
if something
important happens.
Otherwise, we've got
to figure this out.
I think I'm
an Agent Orange man.
The podcast is, like,
kind of the most fun part
about the whole experience now.
It's, like, it's my favourite.
It's become a huge thing.
It has a lot of fans.
That got mentioned
on the show
that Matt is going crazy
'cause he had low blood sugar,
and then suddenly,
you have this legion of people
who's concerned
for his well-being.
[Matt]: But they send...
and I, I don't mean
to sound ungrateful,
but... pounds and pounds
of Sour Patch Kids.
That can't be good,
Matt always talked about
how he'd never eat before games.
He's always hungry.
People started sending him,
like, gift cards to restaurants.
Yeah, we got
a whole satchel
full of gift cards here
that we've yet to use.
Yeah, there's In-N-Out,
Five Guys.
What else is in here?
There's a Boston Market card.
Yup, a lot of protein.
[Matt]: The gift update
is we just received
a three-pack of boxed milk.
Can you...
What other podcast is going
to bring you that action?
[Mark]: I don't know.
But now I'm...
my ultimate quest
is to get them
to send in an anvil.
Like, a full-size,
blacksmith anvil.
Why would you?
Because Mark goes
to the P.O. Box
and picks up this stuff
every week,
and I want to see him
walk into the gym...
In all sports,
but especially in this one,
I think that the teams
kind of took it upon themselves
to make sure that they had
creative, unique names,
and you know
by looking at those names,
that it's a women's league.
Almost every team
in the league
has some, like,
pun or play on words.
to Kareem Abdul Jababes.
The Lucille Ballers.
The Beat Down.
The Kirstie AlleyOops.
The Carol Ball-Net Show, yeah.
Let's see, we were almost
the Hottie Pippens...
um, Space Pam,
Allen Iverdaughters,
uh, Kobe-Gyn.
Every season,
the names of the teams
just get better and better.
It's fun.
It's kind of like
naming a band.
Picking our name
was challenging.
We started a Google document.
Just sitting there,
brainstorming names forever.
[Stephanie]: We were Googling
really aggressive animals.
I guess that's the most
aggressive thing in the sea,
which I...
am now realizing
this cannot be true.
Some of the other teams
have an idea
as to how they came up
with their names,
but I don't
what a pistol shrimp is.
What is a pistol shrimp?
[documentary narrator]:
Far from being quiet,
the ocean is filled
with a cacophony
of animal noises
that can even disrupt
the sonic transmission
of submarines.
Most of the din is made
by a surprisingly
insignificant creature,
the pistol shrimp.
The pistol shrimp
is a little shrimp
that has one huge claw
and then, like, one tiny claw,
and this huge claw,
it snaps with such force,
that it creates
a tiny sonic boom.
Comes out
like a, like a pistol bullet.
The claw releases
an air bubble
that can, like,
crack an aquarium.
Can, like,
crack glass.
[laughs] Is that
completely made up?
It was this...
on that Snapple fact,
Oh, right. Yeah.
Yeah. It's true.
So it must be true
if it's on Snapple.
It has this crazy super power,
but it's teeny, teeny-tiny.
You can kind of see...
Ours is holding a basketball.
I'm assuming it's a basketball.
[narrator]: First, its claw
is cocked like a pistol...
[sound of gun clicking]
Then, fired.
[gun clicks]
The effect
is literally stunning.
All right. Interesting.
I learned something today.
No way.
That's what a pistol shrimp is?
I'm going to go look it up.
I just literally pictured,
like, a shrimp with a gun.
It's obscure, and it's weird,
but it's also frightening.
It always makes me
think of, like...
I just want a shrimp kabob,
every time.
-Like a cocktail.
-'Cause I love shrimp.
[Molly]: Um, yeah, yeah.
So this is
where I get my skills,
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Okay, streak's over.
Hey, guys, um,
so I've got
this documentary crew
following me today,
as you can see,
and, you know, I, I...
It's hard when people
are surrounding you at all times
to be completely genuine...
Hi, neighbour!
and so, you just have
to really be yourself.
I'm like, "Hi, neighbour."
Yeah, I'm going to
be on The Bachelor,
and I'm not just auditioning.
I'm going to be
on The Bachelor.
Yeah, Molly is, um,
is on The Bachelor.
She's killing it.
You know, she's really making
a name for herself.
I'm going
to be the oldest contestant
in The Bachelor history,
and... I'm not scared.
My brother called me.
He's like, "What the fuck?
Are you in The Bachelor?"
Being the oldest contestant
in Bachelor history
is going to be tough,
but I'm up
for the challenge.
[piano music]
I told Ben I loved him
last night.
He even told me back.
I mean, he was asleep,
uh, but he...
when I said it,
he made a noise back,
and it sounded
like, "I love you."
Oh, my gosh.
This is the best day
of my life.
[Molly]: Okay, so, it's time
to shoot a Bachelor video...
and I don't really know
what I'm doing.
I don't have
any, um, video training.
I'm a headshot photographer.
Today, Melissa's going
to come over and help me,
and she's going
to be my stand-in
so I won't have to do
any focusing on air.
I'm really good
at this 'cause...
Wow, it's like I've been
doing this my whole life.
I know.
But I've never
done it before.
I'm on the group date card,
and we get to go play soccer
with the U.S. Women's
Soccer Champs.
I mean, I am over the moon.
I'm not good at soccer.
I was never good at it,
but I, I never tried.
I wish we could do
a field-hockey group date.
That would be...
I would kill!
Go, go, go.
We are
at the Los Angeles coliseum.
It's insane.
I'm a huge football fan,
and the moment I saw the sign,
I... couldn't even contain
my excitement.
Oh, my gosh!
I missed the group date.
I told Amber I was going
to go take a quick shower,
shave my pits...
'cause my hair grows really long
in my armpits really fast...
'cause I'm 37.
Hormones are weird at that age.
It's crazy to me
that people still think
you're on The Bachelor.
She's gotten really confident.
From the beginning to now,
it's a totally brighter version
of her.
It's like a peek
behind her brain,
and it's a... different...
kind of...
wrinkle in that brain.
It's like a bent wrinkle.
[cries theatrically]
It's not fair!
It's okay.
It isn't!
Why am I here?
I don't have
any chances.
I have no shot
in fucking hell.
Nobody understands me
except for Shoshana.
[bursts out laughing]
Okay, I'm going to do
that one again.
[Molly]: Okay, so now,
I'm uploading these videos,
and I'm going to spend
hours upon hours,
um, editing them.
I used to be a captain
of the field hockey
and lacrosse team
in high school...
Yeah, I like this part.
Um, except for senior year
when I quit lacrosse.
And I also love, um,
my Facebook page.
Have you seen that?
Molly from The Bachelor.
Oh, and my favourite part.
I'm sorry, I just love
these tiny details down here.
I mean, I wrote
that this was posted
on The Bachelor, um, Instagram,
and then I wrote,
"Go, Molly" to Molly.
I mean, I'm really
impressed by myself,
um, but I also...
it's like...
"Girl, you have better things
to do with your time.
What are you doing?"
This takes forever,
and I don't know
why I'm doing it,
except that
it makes me laugh so much.
I don't have any interest
in being on The Bachelor.
I don't have
a lot of acting opportunities,
so I, I guess I decided
to put myself in these,
so that I can feel that, like,
I'm doing something
with my, my life, you know.
The Pistol Shrimps,
dressed in their white jerseys,
take on the Lisas.
Only other
oldest teams in the league.
There's only
so many old teams in the league,
and this, my friends,
is one of them.
That's right.
Out on the...
It's a, it's a jam-packed night
here in North...
and what?
Oh, Steven Brydle has
brought us In-N-Out burgers.
This is too much.
Steven, this is too much,
too kind,
especially since we just came
from Boston Market.
[Mark]: And it's good.
Nice swish there
from "Lights Out."
[Matt]: Wow,
what an amazing world we live in
if there's a real person
named Lisa on that team.
That's the kind of serendipity
you only get
in John Cusack fucking movies.
[Mark]: The Lisas do look
feisty tonight, Matt.
[Matt]: Well, they've got
a unicorn coach.
I wish they would have kept it
Lisa Franks,
'cause then you don't have
to explain it every time, but...
Some people get it
when they see Lisas
and the unicorn.
Laura "Lights Out" Jack passes
to the height
of "Han Mah Boogie,"
who pops it up for two.
Not bad at all.
This gym's intensity...
This is hot action basketball.
[Matt]: That's the story
we're going
to tell for the Shrimps
is they rally back
for an exciting conclusion
and keep the winning streak
It's 15 to 14 here
at half time,
and it's dancing time.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your L.A. City Municipal
Dance Squad.
[Angela]: When somebody says
that they can't dance,
I want to shake 'em,
because I truly do believe
everybody can dance.
You just have to stop caring
what other people think.
So I went to a Lakers game,
and I saw the Lakers girls.
So I was excepting
something spectacular,
and I was like...
It just seemed really gentle
and perfect,
and it was frustrating,
and then, I thought,
"I want to do that,
but not that,"
and then, I just thought about
making a halftime dance team
for the community centre.
I asked the league
if I could have a dance squad.
[Traci]: We talked
about appropriate moves
and keeping it PG or G...
not PG-13 or R.
No humping the floor
and grinding and stuff.
We stopped humping the floors.
We stopped, um...
wiping our vaginas
and throwing our juice
into the sky.
We stopped all the weird stuff.
[Traci]: When you buy a ticket
to an event,
you know
kind of what you're getting,
in this case,
and making sure
that it's appropriate
for kids walking through,
and it's a public facility.
Angela's a crazy cat.
Whenever she'd on the court,
she'd start, like,
doing the spits and stuff.
It was so bizarre
and jarring
in a basketball game
to see somebody
just hold the ball
and do the splits.
And then, I saw the ref...
if that was a travel.
Like... [giggles]
Like, it was like...
you can't do that."
I wanna give you
my attention
But it won't be
Won't be
For long
'Cause I'm listenin'
To every word
With eyes on
Eyes on
My phone
I wanna touch you
With my problems
Can you feel the world
Spinning 'round me?
Hold on
Five, six, seven, eight.
Really, really...
to make it something,
you really gotta...
you know, do somethin'.
Like, it's like "Ta!"
So they can see your face.
Come and give me... a... kiss!
I was never on a team
in high school.
I didn't play a sport.
and be working on
a collective thing
that's bigger
than what you're doing.
You know, we're all trying to
figure out what we're doing,
but it's never disrespectful,
and it feels like
you're in a room of people--
I'm gonna cry.
A stranger's
And make it personal
It's just really hard
to find groups of women
that, like, you know,
have your back, no matter what.
... Argue, argue...
It's two. It's two moves.
It's not just this.
I wanna be a better martyr
If you're feeling bad for me
Well, then--
'Kay, horses look ahead,
and then feel the riders.
They would mosey up
for the first one...
I wanna crash
A little harder
I only feel
If it warms me
Or hurts me
We were home-schooled
until I was in eleventh grade.
That chunk of time
to grow with other people
was kinda taken out.
I know how to be friends
with a girl now,
and what it's like to
support someone through a team.
I can only give you
what I have
But is this true,
that one time you played--
uh, you were
playing in the game,
and you just asked
someone from the other team
to give you
the ball?
Uh, that is a tactic
that I...
[Jimmy Fallon cracking up]
It's called "psychological...
[Laughing hard]
No, it's not!
Yeah, it is.
I can tell that you're
making it up right now.
I don't care.
We were losing really badly,
and the point guard
on the other team
was, like,
bringing the ball down,
and I was defending her.
So I go down there, and while
I'm dribblin', I'm like,
"Hey, my teammates want
a picture with you,"
you know, "after the game."
And I was like,
"Uh, yeah, if you give me
the ball right now."
[Fallon]: Whatever.
Did it work?
Yeah, she gave it to me.
It... the...
Then everybody looked,
Like, "You never lose the ball.
How did she get
the ball that easy?"
And then, I just, like...
went to the-- our side
and made the lay-up shot.
[crowd cheering]
[cracking up]
That was so...
That is so you!
That is so you!
That's right.
Well, you'd think
you'd jump up and down
or do something, but,
no, you're just like--
So I was like,
"I took one for the team."
But then my teammates was mad
that I let them score,
so it was like one of those
"damned if you do,
damned if you don't" situations.
It wasn't worth it,
'cause we still lost, so...
Yeah, we got our photo.
so she helped me get
a little bit more followers,
so shout out to Aubrey.
We write
in order to act.
Uh, we both
love acting.
We both
like writing a lot.
To what, you know, the reason
we got into writing
was because we were trying
to get roles for ourselves.
You can make your--
you can make own stuff
and be able to have
a career from that
instead of waiting around
for the phone to ring.
The chances of
getting a lead in a TV--
someone else's TV show
is very, very slim,
but if you're generating
your own material
and you're a creator,
you can create a show for
yourself to be the lead in,
and you actually
kind of, um,
have a better chance
of, like, yeah,
getting at that level,
I think.
Okay, so we did
a web series
called Ghost Ghirls
for Yahoo
and that was kind of
the first, um,
substantial thing
that we really ever did.
[knocking on door]
Ah, great.
You must be the "Ghost Ghirls".
Um, we're not
set on that name yet.
It's what we put
on the flyer.
We were actually thinking
of a couple of names,
like, what do you
think about--
"Specter Detectors"
or "The Ghoulie Ghirls".
Or "Ghoul Power".
What was the one
that we had--?
You guys are asking my opinion
on your name?
If you think of any.
Yeah, yeah.
Doing that project
was how we got
really good
and from there, we just,
you know, got auditions
and got more
writing opportunities.
Um, that was
a couple years ago, so...
Like, we don't have to
work our day jobs anymore.
Well, yeah.
As of a couple
months ago, for me.
Yeah. And, like,
it's probably
two years,
maybe, for me.
[laughs] But I might
have to go back.
[Amanda]: Working
with Maria is awesome.
We have
a really good dynamic.
We have a tendency to, like,
not get a lot done
when it's just the two of us,
because there's so many, like,
fun videos to watch online.
Writing partners,
acting partners...
um, we just get
each other's sense of humour.
Their brand of comedy
is so bizarre and so entrusting,
and I love it so much.
They're so funny together.
You laugh
at things you didn't--
Like, they're not jokes.
They're the way
that they say things.
we play this game,
um, to generate ideas,
and it's called
"The Logline Game",
and we created it.
Are you guys ready?
So what we do--
We played this when
we were bored on-set
in, um--
-What we do--
...Is we, um--
[Shrieks]: Ahh!
[cracking up]
My God!
[still laughing]
You're not!
So sorry.
[between laughs]:
You bitch!
I've done it
to her before.
This is a real pen.
[resumes cracking up]
[still laughing]
That's not nice.
I'm sorry.
It's a joke pen.
It shocks her
and she-- [Laughs]
Here, I'll do it.
No! No!
[laughing] No.
Look, I'll do it.
It makes my bones--
[shrieking]: Ahh!
[both cracking up]
It's awful.
You know,
the ripping's hard.
'Kay, which one's
the action?
This is the action.
Okay. So this is an ac--
This is a...
Yeah, that's
a resolution.
Are you sure?
So, like,
I'll pick one subject,
one res...
one action,
and one resolution.
And then you can
read it now.
Okay. So...
"A woman with a dog-body
and a serious sex drive..."
"Three Mexican cartel smugglers
with a love for Pee-wee Herman."
"Fakes her own death
to evade tax fraud."
"And leave everything behind
Well, I wouldn't
watch that movie.
that's how you play.
We don't-- We--
It's not a Hollywood secret,
or anything like that.
It isn't-- it's just
something fun that we do.
To bide our time.
Waiting for
the phone to ring.
There's comedians,
It's just like...
We don't have
any moms, huh?
We don't have any moms,
but mad respect to Moms.
That's me.
That's the girl I beat.
Gotta be "Lights Out" again.
I gotta be
"Lights Out" again.
I gotta make at least
9 out of 10 shots, you know,
but it hasn't happened yet.
Well, when I was in, like,
sixth grade,
my friends would
call me "Lights Out,"
'cause I was a decent
three-point shooter.
So they were like
"Laura 'Lights Out'."
That's what they called me,
so, okay, great.
"Lights Out", let's keep it.
It started to evolve
into the next meaning,
which was college,
which just meant, like,
just lights out
with partying.
Now it kind of is, like,
"Lights out, Ramona.
It's bedtime."
It's that kinda
"lights out" now.
Some nights, I can be a little
lights-out with basketball,
but, nah, not often,
it's mainly, "Mom, lights out."
after dance,
after Toes and Tap.
My cousin's son
was watching Ellen .
They were watching Ellen
when the picture came on,
and she texted me
and was like,
"We saw your picture on Ellen."
He couldn't believe, number one,
that we knew someone on Ellen.
Number two,
that moms can play basketball.
what's your name?
Look at the camera.
What's your name?
Say it loud!
Ramona what?
Ramona Jack.
Ramona Jack!
And how old are you?
[tapping foot]
We think she's got
a future in Tee-ball.
She can really knock it out.
Some over the fence,
we've lost them.
They don't speak English,
so we can't ask 'em
for the ball.
[Announcer]: Well,
it looks like a small child
has made her way
onto the court.
She ran on the court
only one time,
so that's a victory.
I gotta say
that was definitely
one of my other motivators
to join the league,
was just, like,
oh, I wanna take...
I wanna, like, instill
the love of basketball
and just friendship
and playing on a team.
This is it, you know.
This is how we start it.
We plant the seed,
and then, yeah,
she gets to come and--
Usually, like, my brother,
like her uncle,
somebody comes
and just babysits
and she runs around
the whole gym--inside, outside.
Mommy, my box.
What box?
Never thought in, like,
this part of my life--
with a child and everything--
that all of a sudden, I would
start playing basketball again.
You-- you changed.
Outfit three.
[Whispers]: Outfit three.
She's ready for dance class.
Look at her,
changing herself.
Obviously, number one,
I wanna be a good mom,
and then, right next to that
is an equal basketball player.
It's time for
"Pistol Shrimps" basketball.
My name is Matt Gourley.
And I'm
Mark McConville.
What is happening
this season?
They've gone from a--
dare I say--
last place team
to undefeated
four games into the season.
[Mark]: Well, it's
the Pistol Shrimps taking off
against "L.A. Nail Clippers".
Stephanie Allynne
makes the free throw.
This is a hungry,
motivated Pistol Shrimps team,
Matt, no doubt about it.
'Cause this one's
pretty much locked up.
The Pistol Shrimps
take on the "Ba Dunka Dunks"!
[Matt]: That's right--
they've faced off
against the "Dunks" before.
You can feel the tension.
[Matt]: That's it.
Game's over. It's 30-28.
Of course, we were like,
"It's fine, don't worry."
But deep down,
we're like, "What the--"
[Whistle blasts]
[Mark]: This one goes out
to all "mah boogies"
as the Pistol Shrimps
take on "Space Glam."
[Matt]: 17-0 here,
one of the biggest leads
the Shrimps have ever had.
They've become one of
the teams they used to fear!
[Mark]: They are playing
basketball right now.
Ugh... We dream
to be there.
These girls are on a roll.
Shufflin' on down
and doin' it for you.
[Mark]: Yes, they are, Matt.
Very reminiscent
of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
They do like to dance.
Yeah, let's
go practice.
Let's go
practice, y'all.
[overlapping chatter]
[crowd applauding]
[Host]: We've never
done this before.
It's very exciting.
Um, we have
an entire basketball team.
Guys, give it up
for the Pistol Shrimps!
right foot first.
Yeah, right.
[music plays]
We are the Shrimps
shufflin' through it
Shufflin' down
to a net for you
We're so bad
We know we're good
But we'll do fine
Like we knew we would
You know we're just
shrimpin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff
for everyone
[crowd cheering]
[Matt]: Whoa. Whoa!
She just elbowed her!
Jesus, I have no idea
what just happened there.
Elbowed "Mah Boogie"
in the face.
Got crazy in here.
Oh, my God.
It's like on the Walking Dead,
when they kill a character
that you like.
I am Ingrid Walla.
I am also known
as "Han Mah Boogie".
In fact, I should say
I'm "Han Mah Boogie",
and I'm also known
as Ingrid Walla.
Number 21.
[Matt]: But it doesn't
stop there, Mark.
Tell us about the new member
of the Pistol Shrimps.
[Mark]: Well, she's tall,
she can ball,
and that's not all!
She's borrowing Molly Hawkey's
jersey tonight.
[Matt]: So we don't even
know her name.
Let's throw out
a couple of name options
and see if we can land on
one we like.
"Han... Mah Boogie!"
"Han Mah Boogie" it is, Matt.
"Han Mah Boogie".
You're banned the poodoo now.
"Han Mah Boogie"
was either gibberish
or a Star Wars reference.
It has to be
one of those two things,
'cause that's maybe 90% of,
like, their comedy stylings.
'Cause I'm sure I...
If it was a Tuesday,
I probably just
watched Star Wars.
You can't explain
what comes out of Mark's mouth,
so I'm not going to try.
Apparently, I thought
that they just made that up
on the spot,
but apparently, it's
a Star Wars reference, so...
Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan...
[Jabba the Hutt]:
[Han]: Right here, Jabba.
So that's from
the Special Edition
of Star Wars,
where they re-put in
that Jabba
the Hutt scene,
But it was originally
played by a man
that they then
dubbed over with
a really shitty
CG Jabba the Hutt.
[Jabba speaks]
You didn't think
I was gonna run, did you?
"Han, mah boogie."
"Han, my boy."
So it's the way
that he's saying,
"Han, my boy,"
because he owes Jabba
a lot of money.
And now he's speaking
his Jabba language.
I don't know what it is.
And it means "Han,
my boy," in Huttese.
But it sounds like
he's going,
"Han, mah boogie."
You're my boogie!
Who-- I love you!
You're my boogie.
Han, my boy...
Han, mah boogie.
And then, Chewbacca comes in.
Han, mah boogie, to me, is kind
of a term of endearment now.
Well, it's become
this character almost,
even though it's describing
a real great player on our team.
Uh, but now there's
"Han Mah Boogie" T-shirts
and "Han Mah Boogie" pins.
Now it's a saying, to say,
"You're my boogie,"
kind of like saying
"you're my friend."
That's my boo--
That's mah boogie.
Like, Matt's "mah boogie."
The Pistol Shrimps
are mah boogies,
like, they're the boogies.
We're the boogies.
You're mah boogie.
And that's
a better-looking Jabba
than there is
in the Special Edition.
Ingrid should scream that
every time she blocks a shot.
I would love it.
Han, mah boogie!
The Pistol Shrimp Shuffle!
I'm a Transactional
Entertainment attorney.
So that means I basically do
all sorts of different deals--
you know, from record deals
to music publishing deal--
pretty broad,
but all entertainment-based.
I work in Santa Monica,
and the games are usually
either in the Valley
or in Hollywood,
and so getting there, you know,
during rush hour
is extremely difficult.
I'll be here all day, and, like,
get really stressed out
at the end of the day,
and then, I have to,
like, drive, you know,
however far
to go to the game.
But then, like, once I go,
I'm always so happy that I went.
Like, you know,
the whole car ride,
I'll be just be, like, upset
the entire time,
being like, "Ugh!
Why am I even doing this?
I should just turn around
and go home."
And then, without fail,
I'll be, like, so happy.
It's a great antidote
to the stress of my job.
I got to the point where
I had to, like, tell my boss.
I was like, "So...
I'm on this basketball team
"and we play on Tuesday nights,
so is it okay
if I leave early?"
And he was so supportive of it,
I was totally blown away.
So now when I'm leaving early
on Tuesdays,
he's like, "Have a good game."
[Mark]: You're listening
to Pistol Shrimps Radio!
Tonight's match,
the Pistol Shrimps
against the "Traveling Pants".
[Matt]: That's no lie.
And, uh, not only
have I not eaten,
what I have eaten
has been pure sugar.
[Mark]: Matt, why do you
do it to yourself?
[Matt]: Quick pass over to
"Evil Hag" Aubrey Plaza,
who puts up an easy two points.
[Mark]: Lookin' like
an easy win
for the Pistol Shrimps here.
[Matt]: Jesse Thomas,
up the court
to Laura "Lights Out" Jack,
who shoots the three!
[Mark]: Was that a three?
Could've been a four,
for all I know.
-[Buzzer blares]
-It's halftime.
That's the right time
for the Halftime Sock Report
with Jensen Karp.
I am a big sock guy, uh,
which I think now has become
a calling card for me,
But I liked when players
on certain teams
would wear sort of
funky, stand-out socks.
And so I pitched Matt and Mark
on the idea
that I would do a sock report
at every halftime.
He, I guess, is like--
you know, has, like, kind of
like a sock fetish maybe,
or something, and so he...
he just likes to talk about
the socks we wear.
So he just loves women's socks.
It's borderline creepy, but...
it's very informative.
He's a sick guy.
He watches the first half
and writes in his phone--
...Sock notes,
and then comes over
and gives us
the breakdown
on the socks.
It is a good
opportunity, though,
to, like, display some
pretty tight sock game.
The Shrimps always
are wearin' some nice socks.
Uh, some Hall-of-Fame socks
have been a pair
that just say "Eat Shit"
on them.
The brevity of that,
I like a lot.
And Paisley wore
Abraham Lincoln socks,
and I'm a sucker
for the U.S.
The Bachelor's Molly Hawkey
is wearing a white, pink,
and black number.
If that doesn't win the heart
of Ben, nothing will.
"Han Mah Boogie" is sporting
an entire solar system
on her socks-- planets, stars,
moons, and satellites.
And if you look close,
you may see Matt Damon
producing a movie
that only the Golden Globes
considers a comedy.
Stephanie Allynne's
sporting socks
that are little and grey.
We call those the socks
"Formerly known as Prince".
We've seen Nicki Minaj
sort of in her butt pose,
sort of bending down--
that's a good one.
We've seen the Drake album cover
with the faces sort of
looking at each other.
We've had eye-charts.
We've had all sorts of things
The only thing that I don't like
is when you can't see the socks,
'cause why am I even there?
We do get riled up
about the refs--
Because, in official
sports broadcasts,
you'd never hear
the, you know,
the official radio voice
of any team go, like,
"That ref's
a horse's ass."
Yeah. He's
a bunch of...
reel rods...
He's nothin' more than
a thrift shop smell.
Yeah. You'd
never hear that.
You might hear that.
[Matt]: Referee "Make Baskets"
has commanded the field--
[Mark]: Referee "Chris de Bird"
with the "fowl call" there.
Referee "Scarborough Nikes"--
I saw some guys up on the stage
who were actually doing
commentary during the game,
but I wasn't sure, you know,
which team they were with
or exactly what was going on.
Well, we certainly
don't know
the referees' names,
and it's more fun
just to make them up.
Referee "Horseshit
just said something
about something.
"Pastor Walla",
Referee "Pastor Walla"--
And Referee
"Flex Luther"...
Referee "Justice for All".
Referee "Ride the Lightning"
just takes a walk right down
to here 'cause it's...
And Referee "Cliff 'Em All".
The lesser-known tribute
to Cliff--
What was his name?
I think the refs
are pretty cool.
I know sometimes our coaches
get frustrated with them.
Some of them
are really serious.
Ah, the referees...
They stress a lot, it seems,
before the games, to, like--
[Deep voice]:
"You guys, keep it safe."
They, like, won't let us
curse and stuff like that,
which I think is funny,
because, um, like,
we're not, like,
in seventh grade.
Well, I know
there's this one ref
that everyone calls "Sexy Ref".
One of 'em's
real sexy.
His butt.
-He's okay.
We'll let him live.
[bold, brassy theme plays]
Now's as good a time as any
to tell you we saw "Sexy Ref"
in the parking lot--
drives a Hyundai Elantra.
It's one of
the sexier Hyundais.
His Hyundai Elantra works out.
His car goes to the gym.
[Matt]: It sure does.
[Mark]: Yeah.
And he's not at a lot of games,
at least he wasn't this season,
but when he's there,
it's just really...
it's-- it's
a really nice surprise.
[Ba Dunka Dunk Player]:
The Pistol Shrimps just, like,
fuckin' pulled ahead, you know,
and it goes to show, like,
how much
they must be practicing,
and just got
way better as a team, too,
even if they don't practice--
I don't know if they do.
I think they do.
We don't practice.
That's why we lose to them
every time.
We're at Poinsettia Park.
We usually come here
every Sunday to practice.
It's like our chance
to ask questions.
[players laughing]
Really hard to get a court.
Like, no one
respected us at all.
And now that all the girls come
and scrimmage every weekend,
like, we're a presence here now.
The fact that we've been winning
so much, finally,
this year,
after four seasons of playing,
is a testament to our coaches
teaching us,
and us listening to it,
and going to practice
every week,
and working towards it.
When I was a kid,
I never thought that I was gonna
be coaching a women's rec league
in Hollywood,
and that's how I was gonna
get on Sports Center.
I mean, I don't know about you,
but that wasn't my life.
Were we on
Sports Center?
Been on Ellen, too.
Biz takes it very seriously...
not in a way
that makes us uncomfortable--
but he really believes in us.
Our coaches are amazing.
They're so dedicated.
Two guys just, like, takin' on
a whole team of crazy girls.
Totally just volunteering
their time, you know,
for nothing-- they're not
getting paid or anything.
You know,
what I will say,
the first season,
they bought us
these live, fresh Jordans.
If we can say anything,
it's that we want
Jordans every season.
Every season!
This was a shirt that
was designed by Melissa Stetten.
But you had to
pay for that.
I had to buy this!
It's so funny to see them,
like, strategizing.
I'm like...
It's so funny.
And then, sometimes, they forget
that we, as a whole,
don't really know
what's goin' on.
Biz will say something like,
"Ingrid, you have to stay
on the low block."
What the hell is a "low block"?
Okay, are you number one,
number two?
What does a number one do?
What does a number two do?
Where do I go?
Like, nobody knows
what "X" is them.
Our plays, which we have
a pretty hard time
running successfully,
um, are named after marine...
his favourite marine-life theme.
"Lobster", which was
previously known as "Left",
was where I simply
have to remember
to drive to the left side
of the court,
and then two people
come up and pick for me--
it's a double-screen.
I go off the double-screen,
both the girls roll--
one to the basket,
one to the top of the key.
Hopefully something happens,
and sometimes it does.
is the same exact play
as "Lobster"-- [laughs]
...only I go to the right.
is a new awesome play
that we're whippin' out
just for the championship.
We're the "ship"--
as I'd like to call it--
and it's basically
a perimeter-quick-pass set-up
before the two three zones.
And I've never said
this many basketball terms.
It's, like,
making me feel crazy.
The greatest thing
that I've received from it
is the friendship
of the other girls.
These girls are all role models,
in my opinion.
They're all such good girls,
that I would
consider my sisters.
I would hope my daughters
grow up
to be just like these girls,
and I'm just so proud
to be a part of this team
in any way, shape, or form,
much less their coach.
Hey, good practice, girls.
Guys, best practice ever?
[all cheering] Yeah!
Pretty good practice.
I'll never be
on the Pistol Shrimps.
Did somebody say
Pistol Shrimps?
No way!
Bounce pass!
Watch this!
Slam dunk!
Any sports franchise,
if they really want to
be successful,
needs an endorsement from
a major fast food chain.
So I thought it would be
good to pretend
that the Pistol Shrimps had
an endorsement with Burger King.
We made a fake
Burger King commercial.
Well, it was a real
Burger King commercial,
but not, like,
really sponsored
by Burger King.
I've so badly wanted to be,
like, in a '90s era commercial.
That was, honestly, everything
that I was born to be.
Hey, kid.
You're all right.
That's right!
Burger King!
Have it your way.
Well, I think, originally,
we were trying to get
sponsored by Burger King.
I don't know why.
I think it started out
as a joke,
and then we were like,
"Oh, well, maybe we really
could get a sponsor,"
'cause honestly,
the uniforms are expensive.
And so, I don't know
who contacted AQUAhydrate.
I think it was probably Maria.
And they were like,
"Sure," like,
"we wanna sponsor a women's
rec league basketball team."
All I know is,
Maria sent us an email.
"AQUAhydrate wants to
sponsor us, give us water."
And it was like, "AQUAhydrate?"
We are branded.
And the company's owned
by Mark Wahlberg.
-Now give me the AQUAhydrate.
Yo, Mark, what's up
with that AQUAhydrate?
Ultra hydrating,
fast recovery.
It removes all the toxins
and acid from my body.
-Is it good?
-I don't know. You tell me.
We haven't met Mark Wahlberg,
for whatever reason.
I'm not sure if he's aware.
AQUAhydrate gives us
bottles of water
that we can drink at games,
um, that will keep us hydrated
without all of...
all of the riffraff
that's in other bottled water.
the best water in town.
Drinks for water peoples.
Tonight, the Pistol Shrimps
go up against the Shecago Bulls.
Look at those Pistol Shrimps
on top of the league right now.
The game is underway
as Jesse Thomas snags the ball.
Three points for the Shrimps.
On fleek, man.
Isn't that a thing?
I don't know what it means,
and I don't care.
It's like "on point."
Jesse Thomas hit,
like, 20 3-pointers.
like, shot the ball,
and it would go in every time,
and I was on the bench
like, "Oh, my God!"
Jesse Thomas with the ball.
Oh, Jesse Thomas just
punishing the Bulls here
with a shot.
It looks like she's just doing
a load of laundry,
you know what I mean?
She's just looks
so relaxed doing this.
Jesse's communicating
on the court.
I feel like
it's kind of the reason
that we started winning.
Jesse Thomas
has opened a portal
in this basketball net.
Did she sell her golden fiddle
to the devil or what?
But Jesse Thomas might be
the greatest basketball player
I've ever seen.
She's kinda like
the Webber out there,
and she's just like--
You know?
She's also a lesbian,
but this was supposed to
be Spider-Man.
I'll hit the road
I'm heading on
and darlin', so I'm told
Faded rollin' stone
On the dashboard
singing "Don't let go"
'Cause I've never been the one
who likes to jog in place
I wanna go somewhere
no one knows my name
I wanna go somewhere
where the seasons change
[Jesse Thomas]:
Yeah, I wake up every day
and work on music.
It feels like what I do.
It's weird, it took me
a long time to feel comfortable
saying I'm a musician.
But I feel like that's okay now.
I'm doin' it.
If anyone on the team
has something they're doing,
whether it's, like,
Angela's movie came out,
or Paisely's husband's band
was playing,
like, she's the first person
to be like,
"I have a ticket for this,
I'm going to this,"
all the time.
She's the one
who supports everyone.
...who likes to
jog in place
I wanna go somewhere
no one knows my name
I wanna go somewhere
where the seasons change...
She's an incredible musician.
I've been going to her shows
for, like, eight years,
ever since I met her.
Ooh, Lorraine...
Oh, feet,
don't you fail me now...
And, like, it was just recent,
like, last year that I, like--
I don't want to say,
"Came out,"
'cause I think
that's a silly phrasing--
but that I started
talking about it openly.
Joining the team,
no one ever came off
judgmental about anything.
In fact, being in the league
made me more comfortable
about living my true self,
because everyone was
so confident
in their true self.
...lock and key...
Being around really smart,
strong women,
who don't apologize,
know their talents,
go after what they want,
it's inspiring.
It's, like,
changed me, for sure.
I don't feel like I need to,
like, lean on anybody.
I just, like,
feel more confident
to, like, go get what I want,
because I see other women
doing it, like, every day.
Ooh, Lorraine...
Yeah, there's not
really training.
Part of it is just genetics
and how you look.
But then, on top of it,
it's being responsible.
[distant laughter]
Girls have to show up
to their jobs on time,
and to their castings on time...
look manicured and nice,
and not too tired,
and be pleasant,
and be professional.
A lot of girls start
when they're 14 or 15,
and then get really burnt out
by the time they're 22.
So I think since I started
when I was 20 and...
I went to college,
and I had normal teenage years,
that I didn't feel like
I missed out on anything.
So it just is a job to me now,
and I enjoy it a lot.
I can't really imagine
doing anything else.
Oh, my God,
I can't walk in these.
It was raining earlier.
Ugh, it's freezing.
I didn't move to L.A. for this.
It's cool that Melissa and I
are both models.
I think we have an understanding
of what each other's
lives are like.
We are coming
sometimes from shoots,
so we can talk about
the castings
we went to that day.
Sometimes, we've been
to the same casting.
I've been modelling
for about six years,
mainly in New York,
and then I went to London,
and then back here
for the past few years.
It's fun.
It's a good job to have.
You asked why
I want to represent Paisley,
it's because of
the Pistol Shrimps.
He's seen it in action.
Yeah, I love it.
I'm a huge fan.
I don't know how
17-year-old girls do it.
Like, these young girls
come from countries to model,
and, like, some girls
start crying
when, like, people tell them,
like, "Oh, you're too fat
for these pants."
They're like, "Aw..."
I'm like, "You're not!
You're pretty!
"Go to college!
Do something with your life."
'Cause I like having it
as, like, a random job
that I do every now and then.
Like, I have to live
a somewhat normal life.
Tonight's opposition,
the Princess Lay-Ups.
My name is Matt Gourley.
And I'm Mark McConville.
We're here at the triple P,
Pan Pacific Park.
Mark, we have three games
left in this season.
[blows whistle]
Cirque du soleil over there.
They want to win.
There's blood in the water.
Um, don't bring your daughters.
[final buzzer rings]
Pound nails into this coffin.
It's over.
42, 24.
It's a true story
of like, you know,
a Little Giants,
Mighty Ducks.
They were horrible,
and now they're
pretty decent.
Right? I mean,
they're pretty good.
They're pretty decent.
Every girl just found out
their role on the team,
this love
that they're generating,
this team.
And we got a couple of
the ringer players in there,
the Kellys of the world,
the Adam Banks
of the world,
to kind of
make them better.
And I think, you know,
when you're around
a really good player, that--
that brings everyone up.
Oh, thanks, man.
It's me, right?
-It's not funny.
-That was funny.
It's not funny at all.
Please say hello
to Aubrey Plaza.
[cheering and applause]
Now, this is, uh,
this is an injury,
not an affectation,
That's right.
Well, this is not a joke.
It took her a little
while to get here,
because you actually
really are hurt.
I am.
What happened to you?
I tore my ACL
playing basketball.
Did you hear
how that happened?
Did you hear
how it happened?
I think she stuck around
after our game
and played on the team
that her sister's on
and her boyfriend coaches,
which you're not supposed to do.
But the scandal is
that I was actually playing
on a different team,
in disguise.
When I tore my ACL,
I was wearing a wig,
and, um,
it was quite a scene.
And then everybody found out
that it was you in wig.
Yeah, I was wearing
a blonde, curly wig
that, um, I have named Yolanda.
[Ellen, laughing]: Uh-huh. Wow.
Well, I'm sorry
that happened to you.
And let that
be a lesson
to-- to try to
cheat people.
I'm so sorry
for what I have done.
I got, like, knocked down,
and then my knee
snapped in half,
so it didn't really
work out for me.
And now I can't play.
"You tore it?
Come on, we need you."
Like, your sister's team?
Your sister's!
I hate it.
It makes me sad.
It does.
She didn't have to play
in that second game.
Yeah, it's actually
really awful,
because she's actually
one of our best players.
She's one of the few people
that has great skills
as far as manoeuvering
around players.
So it will be a loss, for sure.
She probably can't play
next season, I'm assuming.
No, no, no.
Some rehab probably.
My doctor told me
I wouldn't be able to
play basketball
until next Fall.
And even then, I don't know
if I can play,
because my, like,
manager is like,
"You're not playing
basketball anymore.
You realize that, right?"
And I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"
That's, like,
a big part of my life.
But, um, those people
don't understand that.
They think it's, like, a joke.
So they're like,
"Why would you risk that
to play basketball?"
And I'm like,
"'Cause I wanna play."
Who are the Pistol Shrimps
playing tonight?
The answer, the Blouses.
Oh, I thought it was
a bunch of little kids,
'cause that's all that's
on the field right now.
We knew that this was the game
that was gonna, you know,
Like, are we gonna have
an undefeated season, you know?
And like AT&T, you gotta
connect with the net,
or you're a piece of shit
wireless provider.
But the Blouses are
on the board with two points.
This is the first time
that the Pistol Shrimps
have trailed out of the gate
in as long as I can remember.
Are they ever
gonna shoot the ball?
No, they're playin'
a whole bunch of pinball.
What a bunch of crap.
Oh, "Mah Boogie" slaps it back
into Pistol Shrimps' gravity,
and passes it off
to "Lights Out" Jack
as they move it back
to our type of town.
Gallagher, what did you think
of that basket there?
[groaning and gagging]
[whistle blowing]
Jesse Thomas
not feeling well tonight.
Jesse, get better,
we need you here on the court.
And I think we only had
six or seven players.
I just remember
feeling exhausted...
Like, I couldn't, like,
give anymore,
and that was frustrating.
And we're used to
having, like, 10,
so I'm, like tired.
Like, trying to be
a point guard.
I'm not that good at it.
[whistle blowing]
Three seconds left,
[whistle blowing]
No good.
Just like
the son of victory,
the Blouses...
[crowd cheering]
Aw, fuck it.
You can't win 'em all,
and it turns out they're right,
'cause the Pistol Shrimps
are gonna fall tonight,
37 to 11.
What do you dream
while I'm wide awake?
Picking at the seams
Frozen like statues
I'm restless
but afraid to move
We could be fire
We could be fire
You kinda of have
a lot of surface conversations
with some pretty
plastic people out here.
I never really reached out
to, like, strangers,
or, like, random people that
I want to be friends with.
Like, Jesse was like
the closest thing
to, like, a new friend
that I had living in L.A.
It's pretty intimidating
having, like, social anxieties.
You know, going to therapists,
taking medication,
which has, like,
surprisingly helped.
So I've been, like, on and off
anxiety medication
for, like, the past 10 years.
Yup, that's my brain.
No matter how, like,
terrible I'm feeling,
like, Sunday morning, like,
always going to practice.
And, like, 100% of the time,
I will always feel better.
Like, that's just how it is.
Even with acting,
when a girl gives you
a compliment,
like, "Good job on that show."
Or like, "Congrats
on booking that thing--"
Like, there is that, like...
knife-vibe about it,
but there isn't any knife-vibes
in the league at all.
It's kinda nice to have
something else to talk about
that doesn't sound like...
you know, Los Angeles.
You're not talking about
a job you just worked on,
or an audition you just had.
"What-- what'd you book?
What are you working on now?"
Now it's like,
"What? What am I working on?
I'm working on my layup."
There's not, like,
a small-town feeling
unless you create it,
which is exactly
what the basketball league is.
It's truly like,
"Good job, girl,"
or "Go, girl.
You did it, girl."
You know, it's all
really positive,
and there isn't
any gritted teeth.
I like the idea
that I can show up, and...
and play basketball
with a bunch of random girls
that don't give a shit
about television
or movies, you know.
And it's like we're just,
like, living our lives and...
some of us have kids,
and some of us have weird jobs.
It just reminds you
that we're all, like,
the same, you know?
It's an equalizer or something.
Somehow, it's been, like,
really comfortable for me,
'cause I guess playing sports
is something that I've done
my whole life,
and I've always felt
comfortable playing sports.
It seems to, like,
ease the anxiety, so...
Being on this team, definitely.
Like, we all have a common goal,
so we're all, like,
trying to win,
trying to learn
to play basketball,
and also, like,
hanging around each other,
and just making new friends.
-To basketball!
-To Hollywood!
I noticed on Facebook,
everybody's profile pictures
changed to
their basketball pictures,
or them in their uniform,
or them making a shot.
And it went from
a really beautiful, hot headshot
to this, like, aggressive
basketball player,
just this beast.
Like, so far from
"Look how great I look"
to this "I'm making a shot,"
or whatever.
You don't think,
how can we really, like,
grow as humans
and, like, get better
at our whole lives
and our work lives.
And you don't think, like,
basketball is
the underlying thing.
It's, it's like
meditation or something.
And it's so humbling
to learn something new
as an adult,
and just kind of
put your pride away,
and know that I don't know
anything about what I'm doing.
It is a little wacky
and different than
our regular leagues,
but what's wrong with that?
You know, it's, it's grown...
it's grown a league
that didn't exist before,
and it obviously
was something needed,
because if we now have
26 teams--
that's 26 teams times, you know,
12 to 15 women per team--
that's a lot of women out there
that wanted to play basketball.
I think just more like on a,
you know, on a global level,
it just...
When you put it out there,
it has to
trickle down, you know.
When girls-- I hope my niece--
My niece lives--
You know, my niece and nephew
live in the Pan Pacific area,
and I hope my niece
sees them playing, you know?
I hope she wants
to be like them.
It's nice for kids to see
those role models
in more of, like,
a realistic capacity.
It's great that they can see 'em
at the Staple Center
in a WNBA game,
but that's not somebody
in their community
that's at their rec centre
all the time.
I think that's important.
Here's the scenario tonight,
a Pistol Shrimps win
is a championship.
Tonight, the Pistol Shrimps
face off
against the Miss Demeanors.
Jesse Thomas will
d-d-d-d-dribble the ball.
Nice inside pass.
Puts it up,
and it's good for two!
This is a 5 to 0 game
for these, our Pistol Shrimps,
in this, our time of triumph.
"Han Mah Boogie" with one of
her trademark smack-downs.
Uh-oh, the Miss Demeanors
are on the board,
and it's 5-2.
[cheering and applauding]
That is it,
this game is over.
Pistol Shrimps win.
Okay, we just need to do
a little photoshop action here.
We can't have a team picture
with a couple of girls missing.
Save, and that's the Shrimps.