The Plague (2025) Movie Script
1
-Alright.
Quiet down, quiet down.
Alright, so for the new guys,
water polo --
What is it?
Anybody?
-A sport?
-A sport?
Can you be more specific?
-Full contact. Whoo-whoo!
-Okay!
-Anyone else?
What else?
-I mean, it's in the water.
- D'oh!
-Come on, guys.
Anyone else?
What about you,
in the middle?
-What? Me?
-Yeah.
-Uh, yeah.
Yeah. No. Um...
It's just about working
together,
uh, like,
as one big family or whatever.
D'oh!
-What else?
-Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No. Um...
-Communication.
-Don't hog the ball.
-O...kay.
-We have communication.
We have...
-Ball handling.
-Very good,
very good, very good.
Oh, so very smart.
Very good, very good.
Ha-ha-ha. Very good.
-Shake it like a salt shaker,
shake it like a salt shaker
Shake it like a salt shaker,
shake it like a salt shaker
Popping till you percolate
First booty-on-booty,
no time to wait
Make it work,
with your wet T-shirt
Bitch, you gotta shake it
till your calf muscles hurt
Sadie heels on your feet,
the strap around your ankles
Jegga, jegga, jegga
Call that bitch Bojangles
Juicy like fruit...
-Uh, you know,
you're only supposed
to be in here for 15 minutes.
Um, only 15 minutes.
-First day of camp.
Still breathing.
Pretty good, huh? Yeah.
-No. Yeah, yeah.
Good.
-So I spoke to your mom earlier.
No cause for concern.
She's a nice lady.
Just having a chat.
She said you guys
had just moved from Boston.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's a big move.
Should be exciting.
Scary?
You know, I remember, uh, moved
to San Diego when I was 10,
and that was like stepping
onto another planet, you know?
Anyway, I just wanted
you to know I'm your coach,
but I'm also here if
you wanted to, you know, talk.
I know this whole thing could be
a little daunting, you know?
Okay?
-Thank you.
-Go.
Alright, now we got to
fill in this stupid form.
Uh, "My goals
by the end of the summer
are to blank, blank, and blank."
-Holy shit.
Obviously fucking Everest.
-...parachute.
-If you try to fly off that,
you're fucking dead.
-Yeah, medicine tastes good.
-Any cherry and grape kind
of both taste like medicine.
-...Jumping off fucking Everest,
dude.
-That's what I'm fucking saying.
-This is the dumbest
fucking argument
I've ever heard
in my entire fucking life.
.Yeah.
Why did you even make that?
-Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
-Are you on something?
You know any other flavor is
better than grape.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hold on.
Everybody likes grape.
You tell me one person
who doesn't like it.
-I've got one.
Would you rather your food
always be hot
and you never get used to it,
it's always hot,
or have no knees?
-Food has no knees.
-No knees?
-Your knees, they're gone.
You don't have knees.
-No knees?
-Uh, wait.
-I'd have no knees.
-So hot like spicy?
-Food already has no knees.
-No, no. Listen.
-I didn't even --
-Okay, so would you rather --
-Would you would you guys
rather A,
every time you have an orgasm,
the song "All Star"
by Smash Mouth plays,
or B, every time the song
"All Star" by Smash Mouth plays,
you guys have an orgasm.
-B.
-Yo, fuck Smash Mouth.
-How does it play
in the A situation?
-On like a small but, like,
decently powerful boom box
that just magically appears
when you orgasm.
-Still B.
-A.
-Fuck Smash Mouth.
-A.
-So wait, does the entire song
play or can you make it stop?
-The entire song.
-Still B.
-Still A.
-What'd you just say?
-What?
-You said can you make it "sop"?
- No.
-What'd you just say, then?
-Nothing.
-He said can you make it stop.
-No, he didn't.
-Yes, he did.
-He didn't.
-What?
-Say stop.
-What? No. Why?
-You can't say it.
-Yo, who can't say stop?
-Yes, I-I can.
-Okay, then say it.
-Um, wait, wait,
so, guys, would you rather --
-Say it.
-Um...
-Say it.
-Okay, would you rather --
-Bro, he can't say it
See how he doesn't
want to say it?
Then say it.
Say it! Say it!
-Okay, okay, okay,
Sop, sop, sop, sop.
-"Sop"?!
-"Sop"!
-"Stop."
-Stop. Stop! Stop!
-Do you guys think these carrots
taste weird?
-Oh, shit!
-The Plague! The Plague!
-Whoa!
-Frankly, they have kind of
a gasoline-like aftertaste.
But not in a bad way, per se.
Certainly pungent.
-Go, go, go.
Um...
They taste normal to me.
-No parachute on the helicopter.
-Yo, soppy.
Can you say pasta?
-Pasta.
-Pasta.
-Run away, run away
Run away and save your life
Run away, run away
-I told you.
-Huh? Yeah, that's --
Exactly.
Can only choose one.
Would you rather suck a dick
but you can have sex,
but -- or --
or you don't do that,
but you can never
have sex again.
-No, never have sex again?
-What's up?
-Damn. What's good?
-Uh, I just --
I heard you're a vet.
-What is a vet?
-Uh, like --
Like you were here last session.
-Oh, yeah, I was.
I was supposed to
just stay for first session,
but my dad fucked up
and paid for both,
and he couldn't get a refund,
so I had to stay.
He was so pissed
when he realized.
You should have seen his face.
Holy shit.
-Uh, who are the others?
-Vets? Me, Logan...
-What's up?
-...Matt.
You can go.
-What?
-Ticky and Eli.
-Eli's a vet?
-Sadly.
-I don't know, I just...
thought you're supposed
to, like, improve or something.
-Only if you try.
-Yo, Julian.
-What?
-Uh, so what's with the whole,
like, musical chairs-y thing?
-What?
-Uh, like at lunch with...
-Oh, the Plague?
Eli's got the Plague.
It's not funny, bro.
You ever heard of leprosy?
-Eli's a leper?
-Lepers aren't real,
but similar.
There's no official prognosis,
so we call it the Plague.
Like, those aren't
regular pimples.
Those are Plague pimples.
That's a Plague face.
Like, I'm telling you, bro,
he didn't have pimples
a few weeks ago.
That's some Plague shit
right there.
A few days later,
he gets a freaky ass rash
all over his body.
Like, why do you think he
wears that shirt all the time?
You think that's
a fashion statement?
Nah, bro,
that's some Plague shit.
Next thing,
it infects the nervous system,
breaks down motor skills.
You bump into some things,
trip over yourself.
You start dropping shit.
Normal things like eye contact
or the ability
to hold a regular conversation
just goes out the window.
Turns your brain to baby food.
No brain, no nothing.
-So, I mean, shouldn't he --
shouldn't he, like,
see a doctor?
-I mean, he has.
It's like herpes.
No cure for him.
-So it's --
it's like contagious?
-Incredibly,
but only through touch.
So if you're exposed...
Oh, man, you just gotta
wash yourself like stat.
-What?
Too cold for you, Soppy?
-Uh, no. It's good.
-"No, it's, um, good."
Soppy, you get no bitches.
Soppy, where are you from?
-Um, "Boson."
-Huh?
-"Boson."
-"Boson"?
Like, what did he just say?
"Boson"?
Boston.
-You "boson" around?
-"Boson."
He can't pronounce the T.
-Yo, yo,
that's where Eli was sitting.
Like, he's infected.
-He's contagious!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake, Jake, Jake, Plague!
Jake has the Plague!
-Am I good?
-Chelsea Simone.
-Kate Fulton.
-Shelly Wong.
-Smelly Shelly?
-Bro, I swear you're all
about the Asians.
-Dude, shut up!
-See, I'm all about
the half-Asians.
-Which half?
-I don't know, the left half?
-What?
-Where that Lubriderm at?
-I gave it to Ticky.
-Why are you such a lube hog?
-Soppy, what are you
thinking about right now?
Come on, spit it out.
-Um,
I'm just thinking about
this girl I saw earlier.
-Okay.
-What girl?
-Puss-ay.
-She live in Canada?
-Bukkake.
-Yo,
someone get this man some lube.
Yo, tell me about her.
We all want to hear it.
-Soppy.
-Um,
I'm picturing her
standing in the shower,
washing herself.
-Okay.
-Suddenly she...
Starts, like, rubbing herself
and...
she tells me how, like...
wet she is.
-Ooh, damn, Soppy.
That's some hardcore shit.
-I'm close.
Don't stop.
-And, um...
-I just came.
-I'm not gonna lie,
so did I.
-Uh, sorry.
I did too. So.
-Same.
-I don't think
I'll ever get married.
-What?
-Maybe when I'm like 50.
-Millions of pirates
swarming the sea.
-Your dad's like 60 right now?
-What are you talking about?
-What if pirates
don't drink champagne, though?
What if they just say
"Oh, oh, oh, oh"?
-What are you doing?
-What do you mean,
what am I doing?
That's the pirate call, stupid.
-That's not a pirate call.
-It is a pirate call.
So tell me --
Tell me what that is then.
-That's like a Viking call, bro.
-What is a Viking?
-Well, it's like a --
-It's like a --
-Like a old village --
-Yeah.
-A pirate's "Arr, matey."
-Oh, my God.
Holy shit, dude.
Fuck! Are you okay?
-Had a boo boo.
Now it's better.
-Oh, my God, dude.
How did you --
How did you do that?
-Thou shalt never know, mortal.
-Wait. Go, go, go, go.
-The only thing you do good
is to use it.
-Light that up.
-It's squirting, it's squirting.
-Whoo! Yeah!
-The only thing you do good
is to use it.
-What the fuck?
-Yo, where's the music at, Matt?
-Why are you so terrible
at everything?
-Come on.
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-Gracias. Here we go.
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-I'm feeling so real
-Ba-donk, ba-donk, ba-donk
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Take me away
Take me away
-That's not your girlfriend,
bro.
-Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey, donkey, donkey
-Holy shit!
-What the fuck?
-Dude, wash that shit.
-You gotta wash.
-Scrub that fucking arm.
-Scrub it.
-And he's scrubbing some more,
and he's scrubbing some more.
-Yo, Soppy, you crazy.
-That was crazy.
That was great.
-I'm telling you, it's all about
the below-water game.
That separates the pros
from the amateurs.
-I heard in the Olympics
that they, like,
shave their pubes
so people can't pull them
off underwater.
-Yep.
-That's savage.
-Yeah.
My brother says you
have to have long fingernails.
You can scratch guys.
So the secret is keep them
smooth, but kind of long.
After they've been approved,
just bite them
into little points.
-Is your brother like a pro?
-I mean, he's only 18,
but Princeton and Brown
are basically in a death match
over him, so.
-Damn.
Soppy got game.
Right, Sop?
-This guy Charlie,
last session,
he's the one who gave it to Eli.
Got to the point
where he couldn't even
hold a coherent conversation.
He had to go home early.
-Is he okay now?
-Last I heard, he was
in some mental institution.
He spends his days
playing Jenga.
-Don't forget
to mark your calendars.
The highly anticipated summer
soiree dance for all camps
is coming up
in the main gymnasium.
This year's theme is
Under the Sea.
We'll have a live deejay,
games...
-Cheetos.
No, Doritos.
No, Cheetos.
-I wouldn't be an evil Sith.
-But Sith are evil.
-No, they just have less --
-No, no, no, no, no,
they're evil.
-No. I could --
-They're just straight-up evil.
-I could turn the majority of
Siths into good people.
-No, you can't.
-Yeah, I would.
-They'd probably just kill you.
-No, I would --
-Or Darth Vader would kill you.
-I would infiltrate them,
and I would make sure
that they all became good.
-One, two, three...
-And though
I'll make mistakes
I'll never break your heart
And I swear
By the moon
and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear
Like the shadow
that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you
with every beat of my heart
And I swear
Ooh
-It's Eli.
He's hard, bro.
-Holy shit, yo! Holy shit!
He's hard.
He's got a boner.
-He's fucking hard.
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Fucking boner.
-Yo, Eli's hard.
-Hey.
In the pool, now.
Come on.
-Yo!
- Eli's hard,
Eli's hard, Eli's hard.
-How old are you guys?
It's a question.
How old?
13 and 12.
Old enough.
Well, old enough.
Your actions are not neutral.
I mean, did any of you,
even once stop and think,
"How would I feel
if that were me?"
And you were called out
in front of the girls
and pointed at
and laughed at for something
that I swear to God,
you got no control over.
Logan.
-I guess I'd feel bad.
-D'oh!
-You guess you would feel bad.
Says the guy that lit the match.
-I was just joking.
-So you think it's funny?
-No.
-Jake, what about you?
Do you think it was funny?
-I mean...
-Was it?
-Kind of, yeah.
"Kind of, yeah."
-Why? Explain to us.
Why do you think it was funny?
-Well, for one,
his dick was hard.
-Let me ask you this.
Have you ever been shamed
in front of a group?
Like, deeply, deeply shamed?
-Mnh-mnh.
That's exactly what
you're doing right now.
-Listen to me.
So you're what, 13?
-12. Yeah.
And you're laughing at
the stupidest,
most juvenile 5-year-old
"Beavis and Butthead" kind of --
-5-year-olds
watch "Beavis and Butthead"?
-Hey! You have two seconds to
wipe that smile off your face.
Or all of you,
because of Jake,
are going to be doing burpees
in the sun all day.
I'm not even joking.
One...
Okay.
Penis.
-Pick it up or we do it all day.
Pick it up.
Three laps. Two to go.
-What is he doing, bro?
-Some kind of, like,
I don't know, fantasy maybe?
-Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Da-da-da-donkey,
da-da-da-donkey
Da-da-da-da-da-donkey
Donkey, donkey,
donkey, donkey
-Can you, like,
"sop" doing that?
-"Can you, like,
'sop' doing that?"
Suck my dick, Soppy.
-Suck your own dick.
-That's not even possible.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
Mike Griswold does it
all the time.
-No, he doesn't.
-Yes, he does.
-How?
-What do you mean, how?
The man is double jointed.
End of story.
-Are you a vegetarian?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Well, I guess I just feel bad
for the animals.
-Would you care if it's
like a three-tongued, like, cow
that's, like,
all gross and shit?
-Yeah. Would you, Soppy?
-I'd still feel bad.
You know, you can't just
go around killing innocent cows
just because they're different.
-How could you
not want to bite this?
-You just don't feel bad?
Like, at all?
It's not its fault
it has three tongues.
-Chill, Soppy.
Why are you spazzing?
-I'm not.
-"I'm not.
It's not its fault
it has three tongues."
-"You have two seconds to
wipe that smile off your face.
Two."
-Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
-Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
-Where you going?
-Bathroom.
-Mad cow disease.
-Yo, Eli. What's up?
Um, how long do you think
we've been in here for?
-Gelatin.
-What?
-You mix it in
with foundation makeup
and pour it in a silicone mold.
Then you paint more detail
and do the blood last.
-What are you talking about?
-For the -- For the trick.
-Oh!
-Yeah.
Frankly, for the blood,
it's important you don't
buy the store stuff.
Either make it with corn syrup
and food coloring
or save yourself some
next time you cut yourself.
-You do that?
-Yeah, you just put
the corn syrup into a bowl
and add the food coloring.
Sometimes I like
to add a bit of water
just so it's not too viscous.
-Uh, no.
You -- You cut yourself?
-Tiny pricks.
It's soothing.
Like a sound bath.
Look.
-You shouldn't do that.
-Why?
-Because it's bad.
Sometimes I dig my nails
into my thumb till it bleeds.
-You're not from here, right?
-Um...
My mom met some guy
at a media summit.
Phil. Um...
And they had an affair,
and she left my dad.
I used to live in Boston.
So basically, we just,
like, uprooted.
Um, so it's been...
It's been kind of weird.
-Do you like your mom?
-She's my mom.
-You ever think about the fact
that at some point in her life,
she had to give head
for the first time?
-Ew, no. Who are you?
- We wants it.
We needs it.
We must have the precious.
They stole it from us.
-Holy shit.
-Wicked tricksy hobbitses.
Stupid fat hobbitses.
-Would you rather fuck a dog
and no one ever knows about it
or not fuck a dog but everyone
thinks you fucked a dog?
-Fuck a dog. I think.
-That's evil.
-Hey, uh, you've talked to
a doctor, right?
-They gave me this cream,
but I think it might
be making it worse.
-Um, do you need a hand or...?
-I don't want to infect you.
What do you mean?
-With the Plague.
-You don't actually
believe in that, do you?
-Oh!
-Uh, are you guys, like, joking?
Very funny.
-Okay, you can --
you can stop now.
-Jake told everyone
you have the Plague.
-It's, like, not even a thing.
-He said you gave
Eli a backrub.
-Yeah, that's totally untrue.
So.
-Said you used scented oils
or something like lavender.
-You know the Plague is fake,
right?
-Yeah. It's dumb.
You forgot your goggles.
-Thanks.
-I don't have the Plague.
-What?
-You told everyone
I have the Plague.
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did. I know you did.
-I provided the dots.
I can't help if others
connect them.
-The dots?
-Giving Eli a back rub.
-That's not --
-It wasn't a back rub.
-Okay.
-How would you feel
if I told everyone
your mom's, like, a stripper?
-Confused.
-Confused?
-I'd feel really
fucking confused.
-Why?
-'Cause my mom's dead.
-That's not funny.
-I'm not joking.
-There's nothing wrong
with me.
-Okay.
-The Plague is fake.
-Okay.
-So can you please
tell everyone that I'm good?
-I thought you said it's fake.
-I mean, it is.
Right?
-Maybe you don't have it.
Did you wash your hands after?
-After what?
-The back rub.
-It wasn't a back rub.
He needed help
with his rash cream.
-Okay.
-Why are you doing this to me?
-Doing what?
-Telling everyone
that I have the Plague.
-Bro, come on.
Don't let what other people
think decide who you are.
-What is that,
like a fortune cookie?
-Dennis Rodman.
-Well,
I washed my hands twice.
That means I don't have it,
right?
-She does not smell good.
She smells like a foot.
No, she doesn't.
-Yeah, maybe because I was
up in her eyes.
-You were
not up in anything.
-Brought you
some tasty morsels.
Got fries there, a hot dog,
Skittles...
gummy bears.
-Thanks.
-This kid, Nick Sinsigali,
he put laxatives in my thermos
before our trip to New York
to see "Les Mis," and the bus
didn't have any bathrooms, so...
Yeah.
My mom had to come
pick me up.
It sucks 'cause I
actually really like "Les Mis."
-Yeah.
-I saw you went
and talked to a girl
and you froze up and you said
you liked pineapple.
-Exactly. At least
me and Logan have girls.
-No, you guys don't have shit.
Alright.
Well, either -- Yo.
-Shut up.
-Either you can get --
You can get...
-The only thing.
-Well, I have been inside
Marguerite.
-Well, you guys --
-Phase two -- motor skills.
Gone.
- Mm!
-You see, it was like,
facing the wall,
you can't look at the dog.
-What do you see?
-You could get like a...
-Yeah, but you can't
see the dog, bro.
-You're like her guide dog.
-No. There's a cat...
-What do you think Soppy
is doing?
-That's actually
a great question.
Where the fuck is Soppy?
-Probably giving Eli a belly rub
this time, after the back rub.
-Maybe he's giving out
some back pats.
-Back pats?
- My name
is Soppy, and I just let it out.
-Soppy!
-Better not be dreaming
about one of our bitches.
Yeah!
- Aww, Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Excuse me. Hello?
Um, do you have a phone?
-Hello?
-Mom.
-Hi. Ben, is that you?
Ben? Honey? Are you there?
Can you hear me?
Ben, are you there?
-Yeah. Um, yeah, I...
I was just wondering, um...
...uh, if you could
just pick me up.
-Honey, where are you?
Ben, honey,
tell me where you are.
Tell me where you are right --
- Ben.
Hey, you know what my
favorite day of high school was?
Very last day.
Hated it.
Yeah. Had a nickname.
It was Chubz.
I hadn't even been overweight
since middle school,
but the name followed me,
and, you know,
it was stuck in my head.
And then you know what?
I graduated...
and I left it all behind,
and I started fresh.
You see?
-So...your 20s were good?
-Uh...ehh, no.
No, I mean, I had
my heart broken, and --
and then, you know, I --
I gained some more weight,
30 pounds, and then,
well, then
I put my back out
just literally reaching
for a set of keys,
and the doctor said I
was never gonna, you know,
recover and whatever.
But, I mean, even still,
yes, it was way better
than my teens.
Now, my 30s...
better than my 20s.
And now, I mean,
look at me now, right?
40 and sporty.
- And...
...your teens were better
than...
like, your first decade?
-Pshh.
Hell no.
I mean,
that time is just pure bliss.
I mean,
nothing better than that.
-This is like the
most depressing pep talk ever.
-Look, just...
be yourself, 'cause...
...then what else
are you gonna be?
You're you. It's cool.
Just be yourself, man.
It'll all work out.
I know it's a clich.
-I don't know if that helps.
Anyway...
My mom didn't yell at you,
right?
-She was just concerned,
that's all.
You really scared her.
-It's okay to cry.
Just let it out.
Let it out. It's cool.
She just doesn't know
how to, like, be a person.
-Someone giving you
a hard time, Ben?
'Cause if they are,
you just gotta tell me.
'Cause your silence
is helping no one.
Especially not you.
Is it Jake?
-What? No. No. No, why?
-Okay.
Okay.
Listen, guys like Jake...
they're just scared.
They're terrified
of guys like Eli
'cause he's different.
You wanna know a secret?
We're all different.
All of us.
I haven't even
thought about the guys
that called me Chubz
until, like, right now.
In fact, right now,
they're probably
sitting on a couch,
guess what, super chubby.
Alright, so...
You know?
What do you say?
Wanna take me home?
The swim session
-starts in 10 minutes.
Councilors, please make sure
you bring some sunscreen.
-Who's that?
-Yeah. You see, man?
No, came first.
-We think the same.
-No, the chicken came first, yo.
-Why are we
even entertaining this?
-I disagree. Exactly.
-Why did you just say egg?
- Okay?
I don't see why you have
a problem with him.
-Boom, lots of love's
got me going with this
Episode, motherfucker,
and I came for this
I was cool, I'm the gun
'cause I made the beat
-That's like incest, man.
-It wasn't in their bed.
They have this,
like, big bathtub
with, like, a
waterfall spout.
Just sliding your butt
to the side.
Pop your legs up. Ooh.
-Yo, my uncle has a hot tub,
and the jets, they're amazing.
-You see? He gets it.
-Not the same thing, though.
-No, it is the same thing.
...walking into a Taco Bell.
You ever been
to Mongolian Grill?
Dude, it's insane.
They got guys
throwing meat cleavers.
It's like, chop, chop, chop,
chop, toss.
"How are you doing today,
ma'am?" Catch.
Chop, chop, chop, chop, catch.
Toss.
I've always wanted to start
a restaurant.
Wait, maybe instead of
being seated at a booth,
you're brought
to your own private sauna
and it's like,
"Good morning, folks.
Welcome to Steam N' Sizzle.
Can I take your order?"
Open 24/7.
-Um...
...do you ever think, like...
maybe the Plague
isn't 100% fake?
Never mind.
That was a dumb question.
-I think there's
something wrong with me.
-What do you mean?
-I don't know.
I just feel something's wrong.
-Yeah, but...
but that-- that's...
just a feeling, right?
Like, it-- it's not...
actually real.
-Hey, soppy!
-Hey. What's up?
-Talked to Daddy Wags.
I just want to say if I've been
a dick or anything,
you know, I'm sorry.
-What? No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
-Have an older brother.
I'm just used to being
around his friends,
and we just give
each other shit all the time.
-Yeah, I don't even know
what you're talking about.
-Really?
-Well, you know, I --
I saw them talking to you,
but...what happened?
-You know, I got the big old
lecture on bullying and stuff,
but...
-Hmm, so dumb.
Like, what is this,
kindergarten?
You know,
maybe Eli said something.
-You think?
-Yeah.
Maybe.
-Could be.
I guess I'll see you later, bro.
-Yeah.
Fuck! Aah!
Fuck, get 'em off!
No, get off! Stop! Fuck!
Get off!
Fuck!
No, stop! Get off! Stop! No!
No!
Get off!
Stop! Fuck! Stop!
Help! Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Fuck!
Stop! Get off! Fuck!
Stop! Aah! Stop!
Get off! Stop! Aah!
Fuck!
Fuck off!
Fuck! Oh, my God! Get them off!
-The Plague!
-The Plague! The Plague!
Go snitch to Daddy Wags, bro.
Go snitch to Daddy Wags.
Go snitch to Daddy Wags.
- Get off!
Get them off!
-You okay?
-We're just messing around, Eli!
Okay? It was a funny joke!
That's what friends do.
How is that not obvious to you?!
-The Plague! The Plague!
Plague!
-Would you rather
not eat for 48 hours
or spend the day
with Daddy Wags?
-There's only one.
I think it's safe.
-I would go for 80 days.
-I'd go for 30 days
and 23 hours.
-No, no. 80 hours.
-Exactly.
-Hey.
-Yo. "Two seconds.
Wipe that grin off your face.
Canceling practice
for everybody
and putting everybody
on the street, dude."
-What?
Then if you drink water,
then it has water in it, so...
-What?
Let's go! Go, go, go!
Push!
Keep moving!
Heads up! Eyes on the ball!
Push! Push! Push!
Move that ball!
Press.
Press!
Push! Push!
Find an open spot.
-Seriously...
The ball...
-Move those legs!
Come on! Move 'em, move 'em!
Come on!
-Get back!
No, no, no, no! No! No!
Stop!
-Pass the ball!
Come on.
Keep it up!
-Alright, shoot, shoot, shoot!
-Nice, Ben.
-Hey, he fucking scratched me.
-What?
-Call it.
-Call what?
-The fucking scratch.
You blow that whistle
all the time,
and you won't blow it on him
right now?
Oh, my fuck, bro! Call it!
Fuck, bro.
You don't know fucking jack shit
about water polo, bitch.
Mm!
Get out of here!
Hey!
-You alright?
You okay?
-Oh!
-Hey! Get out of the pool!
Come on.
Come on. Get out.
Huh? What are you thinking?
-La, la, la, la, la
And now
the bells are ringing
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Hey. Whoever gets
a handjob first gets 10,000.
-Inside an empty room,
my inspiration flows
-That's the Plague
at the peak of its shit.
-The magic melody
You want to sing with me,
just la, la, la, la, la
The music is the key
And now the night is gone
Still it goes on and on
so deep inside of me
I long to set it free,
I don't know what to do
Just can't explain to you,
I don't know what to say
Oh, not another word
Just la, la, la, la, la
It goes around the world
Just la, la, la, la, la
It's all around the world
Just la, la, la, la, la
And everybody's singing
La, la, la, la, la
And now the bells
are ringing
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Eli.
-Wazzup?!
-What are you doing?
-La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Eli! What are you doing?!
-Ben, I am dancing.
-No, Eli, you're not dancing,
because you have
no one to dance with.
-Yes, I do.
I'm dancing with Boopy.
She doesn't care about
the Plague.
Right, Boopy?
Hey! Stop!
What are you doing?!
What are you...?!
Why'd you do that?
Why'd you do that?!
-Eli.
Eli, stop. Listen to me.
Eli! Eli, stop!
-La, la, la, la, la
Wait!
Where are you going?
Come here! Stop!
Eli!
Do you know what
your problem is?
You don't even try.
You think
that you can just be yourself
and not give a shit
what anyone thinks.
But that only works when
"yourself" is the kind of person
other people want to be around.
Eli, no one wants to be
around you.
No one!
Look at me!
I'm talking to you!
Hey! Eye contact.
Ever heard of it?
What the fuck is
your fucking problem?!
You know,
one day you're gonna have to
grow the fuck up
and realize it's time
to start behaving
like an actual human being,
or you're just gonna
spend the rest
of your miserable fucking life
friendless and alone!
Is that what you want?!
Look at me.
Is that what you want?!
-Eli. It's not funny.
-Alright. Get in.
Okay. Uh...
-He's gonna be okay, right?
-Go inside, Ben.
-Right? But he's gonna be okay,
right?
-Ben, go inside!
He'll be okay.
Fuck!
-Hey, yeah, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
-Set it up, DJ!
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Take me away,
take me away
Take me away
-Set it up, DJ!
-Take me away,
take me away
Take me away
Oh
Oh
-New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
Set it up, DJ!
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-New York massive
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-New York massive
New York massive
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Feeling so real
-Alright.
Quiet down, quiet down.
Alright, so for the new guys,
water polo --
What is it?
Anybody?
-A sport?
-A sport?
Can you be more specific?
-Full contact. Whoo-whoo!
-Okay!
-Anyone else?
What else?
-I mean, it's in the water.
- D'oh!
-Come on, guys.
Anyone else?
What about you,
in the middle?
-What? Me?
-Yeah.
-Uh, yeah.
Yeah. No. Um...
It's just about working
together,
uh, like,
as one big family or whatever.
D'oh!
-What else?
-Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No. Um...
-Communication.
-Don't hog the ball.
-O...kay.
-We have communication.
We have...
-Ball handling.
-Very good,
very good, very good.
Oh, so very smart.
Very good, very good.
Ha-ha-ha. Very good.
-Shake it like a salt shaker,
shake it like a salt shaker
Shake it like a salt shaker,
shake it like a salt shaker
Popping till you percolate
First booty-on-booty,
no time to wait
Make it work,
with your wet T-shirt
Bitch, you gotta shake it
till your calf muscles hurt
Sadie heels on your feet,
the strap around your ankles
Jegga, jegga, jegga
Call that bitch Bojangles
Juicy like fruit...
-Uh, you know,
you're only supposed
to be in here for 15 minutes.
Um, only 15 minutes.
-First day of camp.
Still breathing.
Pretty good, huh? Yeah.
-No. Yeah, yeah.
Good.
-So I spoke to your mom earlier.
No cause for concern.
She's a nice lady.
Just having a chat.
She said you guys
had just moved from Boston.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's a big move.
Should be exciting.
Scary?
You know, I remember, uh, moved
to San Diego when I was 10,
and that was like stepping
onto another planet, you know?
Anyway, I just wanted
you to know I'm your coach,
but I'm also here if
you wanted to, you know, talk.
I know this whole thing could be
a little daunting, you know?
Okay?
-Thank you.
-Go.
Alright, now we got to
fill in this stupid form.
Uh, "My goals
by the end of the summer
are to blank, blank, and blank."
-Holy shit.
Obviously fucking Everest.
-...parachute.
-If you try to fly off that,
you're fucking dead.
-Yeah, medicine tastes good.
-Any cherry and grape kind
of both taste like medicine.
-...Jumping off fucking Everest,
dude.
-That's what I'm fucking saying.
-This is the dumbest
fucking argument
I've ever heard
in my entire fucking life.
.Yeah.
Why did you even make that?
-Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
-Are you on something?
You know any other flavor is
better than grape.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hold on.
Everybody likes grape.
You tell me one person
who doesn't like it.
-I've got one.
Would you rather your food
always be hot
and you never get used to it,
it's always hot,
or have no knees?
-Food has no knees.
-No knees?
-Your knees, they're gone.
You don't have knees.
-No knees?
-Uh, wait.
-I'd have no knees.
-So hot like spicy?
-Food already has no knees.
-No, no. Listen.
-I didn't even --
-Okay, so would you rather --
-Would you would you guys
rather A,
every time you have an orgasm,
the song "All Star"
by Smash Mouth plays,
or B, every time the song
"All Star" by Smash Mouth plays,
you guys have an orgasm.
-B.
-Yo, fuck Smash Mouth.
-How does it play
in the A situation?
-On like a small but, like,
decently powerful boom box
that just magically appears
when you orgasm.
-Still B.
-A.
-Fuck Smash Mouth.
-A.
-So wait, does the entire song
play or can you make it stop?
-The entire song.
-Still B.
-Still A.
-What'd you just say?
-What?
-You said can you make it "sop"?
- No.
-What'd you just say, then?
-Nothing.
-He said can you make it stop.
-No, he didn't.
-Yes, he did.
-He didn't.
-What?
-Say stop.
-What? No. Why?
-You can't say it.
-Yo, who can't say stop?
-Yes, I-I can.
-Okay, then say it.
-Um, wait, wait,
so, guys, would you rather --
-Say it.
-Um...
-Say it.
-Okay, would you rather --
-Bro, he can't say it
See how he doesn't
want to say it?
Then say it.
Say it! Say it!
-Okay, okay, okay,
Sop, sop, sop, sop.
-"Sop"?!
-"Sop"!
-"Stop."
-Stop. Stop! Stop!
-Do you guys think these carrots
taste weird?
-Oh, shit!
-The Plague! The Plague!
-Whoa!
-Frankly, they have kind of
a gasoline-like aftertaste.
But not in a bad way, per se.
Certainly pungent.
-Go, go, go.
Um...
They taste normal to me.
-No parachute on the helicopter.
-Yo, soppy.
Can you say pasta?
-Pasta.
-Pasta.
-Run away, run away
Run away and save your life
Run away, run away
-I told you.
-Huh? Yeah, that's --
Exactly.
Can only choose one.
Would you rather suck a dick
but you can have sex,
but -- or --
or you don't do that,
but you can never
have sex again.
-No, never have sex again?
-What's up?
-Damn. What's good?
-Uh, I just --
I heard you're a vet.
-What is a vet?
-Uh, like --
Like you were here last session.
-Oh, yeah, I was.
I was supposed to
just stay for first session,
but my dad fucked up
and paid for both,
and he couldn't get a refund,
so I had to stay.
He was so pissed
when he realized.
You should have seen his face.
Holy shit.
-Uh, who are the others?
-Vets? Me, Logan...
-What's up?
-...Matt.
You can go.
-What?
-Ticky and Eli.
-Eli's a vet?
-Sadly.
-I don't know, I just...
thought you're supposed
to, like, improve or something.
-Only if you try.
-Yo, Julian.
-What?
-Uh, so what's with the whole,
like, musical chairs-y thing?
-What?
-Uh, like at lunch with...
-Oh, the Plague?
Eli's got the Plague.
It's not funny, bro.
You ever heard of leprosy?
-Eli's a leper?
-Lepers aren't real,
but similar.
There's no official prognosis,
so we call it the Plague.
Like, those aren't
regular pimples.
Those are Plague pimples.
That's a Plague face.
Like, I'm telling you, bro,
he didn't have pimples
a few weeks ago.
That's some Plague shit
right there.
A few days later,
he gets a freaky ass rash
all over his body.
Like, why do you think he
wears that shirt all the time?
You think that's
a fashion statement?
Nah, bro,
that's some Plague shit.
Next thing,
it infects the nervous system,
breaks down motor skills.
You bump into some things,
trip over yourself.
You start dropping shit.
Normal things like eye contact
or the ability
to hold a regular conversation
just goes out the window.
Turns your brain to baby food.
No brain, no nothing.
-So, I mean, shouldn't he --
shouldn't he, like,
see a doctor?
-I mean, he has.
It's like herpes.
No cure for him.
-So it's --
it's like contagious?
-Incredibly,
but only through touch.
So if you're exposed...
Oh, man, you just gotta
wash yourself like stat.
-What?
Too cold for you, Soppy?
-Uh, no. It's good.
-"No, it's, um, good."
Soppy, you get no bitches.
Soppy, where are you from?
-Um, "Boson."
-Huh?
-"Boson."
-"Boson"?
Like, what did he just say?
"Boson"?
Boston.
-You "boson" around?
-"Boson."
He can't pronounce the T.
-Yo, yo,
that's where Eli was sitting.
Like, he's infected.
-He's contagious!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake's got the Plague!
Jake, Jake, Jake, Plague!
Jake has the Plague!
-Am I good?
-Chelsea Simone.
-Kate Fulton.
-Shelly Wong.
-Smelly Shelly?
-Bro, I swear you're all
about the Asians.
-Dude, shut up!
-See, I'm all about
the half-Asians.
-Which half?
-I don't know, the left half?
-What?
-Where that Lubriderm at?
-I gave it to Ticky.
-Why are you such a lube hog?
-Soppy, what are you
thinking about right now?
Come on, spit it out.
-Um,
I'm just thinking about
this girl I saw earlier.
-Okay.
-What girl?
-Puss-ay.
-She live in Canada?
-Bukkake.
-Yo,
someone get this man some lube.
Yo, tell me about her.
We all want to hear it.
-Soppy.
-Um,
I'm picturing her
standing in the shower,
washing herself.
-Okay.
-Suddenly she...
Starts, like, rubbing herself
and...
she tells me how, like...
wet she is.
-Ooh, damn, Soppy.
That's some hardcore shit.
-I'm close.
Don't stop.
-And, um...
-I just came.
-I'm not gonna lie,
so did I.
-Uh, sorry.
I did too. So.
-Same.
-I don't think
I'll ever get married.
-What?
-Maybe when I'm like 50.
-Millions of pirates
swarming the sea.
-Your dad's like 60 right now?
-What are you talking about?
-What if pirates
don't drink champagne, though?
What if they just say
"Oh, oh, oh, oh"?
-What are you doing?
-What do you mean,
what am I doing?
That's the pirate call, stupid.
-That's not a pirate call.
-It is a pirate call.
So tell me --
Tell me what that is then.
-That's like a Viking call, bro.
-What is a Viking?
-Well, it's like a --
-It's like a --
-Like a old village --
-Yeah.
-A pirate's "Arr, matey."
-Oh, my God.
Holy shit, dude.
Fuck! Are you okay?
-Had a boo boo.
Now it's better.
-Oh, my God, dude.
How did you --
How did you do that?
-Thou shalt never know, mortal.
-Wait. Go, go, go, go.
-The only thing you do good
is to use it.
-Light that up.
-It's squirting, it's squirting.
-Whoo! Yeah!
-The only thing you do good
is to use it.
-What the fuck?
-Yo, where's the music at, Matt?
-Why are you so terrible
at everything?
-Come on.
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-Gracias. Here we go.
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-I'm feeling so real
-Ba-donk, ba-donk, ba-donk
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Take me away
Take me away
-That's not your girlfriend,
bro.
-Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey, donkey, donkey
-Holy shit!
-What the fuck?
-Dude, wash that shit.
-You gotta wash.
-Scrub that fucking arm.
-Scrub it.
-And he's scrubbing some more,
and he's scrubbing some more.
-Yo, Soppy, you crazy.
-That was crazy.
That was great.
-I'm telling you, it's all about
the below-water game.
That separates the pros
from the amateurs.
-I heard in the Olympics
that they, like,
shave their pubes
so people can't pull them
off underwater.
-Yep.
-That's savage.
-Yeah.
My brother says you
have to have long fingernails.
You can scratch guys.
So the secret is keep them
smooth, but kind of long.
After they've been approved,
just bite them
into little points.
-Is your brother like a pro?
-I mean, he's only 18,
but Princeton and Brown
are basically in a death match
over him, so.
-Damn.
Soppy got game.
Right, Sop?
-This guy Charlie,
last session,
he's the one who gave it to Eli.
Got to the point
where he couldn't even
hold a coherent conversation.
He had to go home early.
-Is he okay now?
-Last I heard, he was
in some mental institution.
He spends his days
playing Jenga.
-Don't forget
to mark your calendars.
The highly anticipated summer
soiree dance for all camps
is coming up
in the main gymnasium.
This year's theme is
Under the Sea.
We'll have a live deejay,
games...
-Cheetos.
No, Doritos.
No, Cheetos.
-I wouldn't be an evil Sith.
-But Sith are evil.
-No, they just have less --
-No, no, no, no, no,
they're evil.
-No. I could --
-They're just straight-up evil.
-I could turn the majority of
Siths into good people.
-No, you can't.
-Yeah, I would.
-They'd probably just kill you.
-No, I would --
-Or Darth Vader would kill you.
-I would infiltrate them,
and I would make sure
that they all became good.
-One, two, three...
-And though
I'll make mistakes
I'll never break your heart
And I swear
By the moon
and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear
Like the shadow
that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you
with every beat of my heart
And I swear
Ooh
-It's Eli.
He's hard, bro.
-Holy shit, yo! Holy shit!
He's hard.
He's got a boner.
-He's fucking hard.
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Fucking boner.
-Yo, Eli's hard.
-Hey.
In the pool, now.
Come on.
-Yo!
- Eli's hard,
Eli's hard, Eli's hard.
-How old are you guys?
It's a question.
How old?
13 and 12.
Old enough.
Well, old enough.
Your actions are not neutral.
I mean, did any of you,
even once stop and think,
"How would I feel
if that were me?"
And you were called out
in front of the girls
and pointed at
and laughed at for something
that I swear to God,
you got no control over.
Logan.
-I guess I'd feel bad.
-D'oh!
-You guess you would feel bad.
Says the guy that lit the match.
-I was just joking.
-So you think it's funny?
-No.
-Jake, what about you?
Do you think it was funny?
-I mean...
-Was it?
-Kind of, yeah.
"Kind of, yeah."
-Why? Explain to us.
Why do you think it was funny?
-Well, for one,
his dick was hard.
-Let me ask you this.
Have you ever been shamed
in front of a group?
Like, deeply, deeply shamed?
-Mnh-mnh.
That's exactly what
you're doing right now.
-Listen to me.
So you're what, 13?
-12. Yeah.
And you're laughing at
the stupidest,
most juvenile 5-year-old
"Beavis and Butthead" kind of --
-5-year-olds
watch "Beavis and Butthead"?
-Hey! You have two seconds to
wipe that smile off your face.
Or all of you,
because of Jake,
are going to be doing burpees
in the sun all day.
I'm not even joking.
One...
Okay.
Penis.
-Pick it up or we do it all day.
Pick it up.
Three laps. Two to go.
-What is he doing, bro?
-Some kind of, like,
I don't know, fantasy maybe?
-Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Donkey, donkey, donkey,
donkey
Da-da-da-donkey,
da-da-da-donkey
Da-da-da-da-da-donkey
Donkey, donkey,
donkey, donkey
-Can you, like,
"sop" doing that?
-"Can you, like,
'sop' doing that?"
Suck my dick, Soppy.
-Suck your own dick.
-That's not even possible.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
Mike Griswold does it
all the time.
-No, he doesn't.
-Yes, he does.
-How?
-What do you mean, how?
The man is double jointed.
End of story.
-Are you a vegetarian?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Well, I guess I just feel bad
for the animals.
-Would you care if it's
like a three-tongued, like, cow
that's, like,
all gross and shit?
-Yeah. Would you, Soppy?
-I'd still feel bad.
You know, you can't just
go around killing innocent cows
just because they're different.
-How could you
not want to bite this?
-You just don't feel bad?
Like, at all?
It's not its fault
it has three tongues.
-Chill, Soppy.
Why are you spazzing?
-I'm not.
-"I'm not.
It's not its fault
it has three tongues."
-"You have two seconds to
wipe that smile off your face.
Two."
-Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
-Can you be more specific?
Can you be more specific?
-Where you going?
-Bathroom.
-Mad cow disease.
-Yo, Eli. What's up?
Um, how long do you think
we've been in here for?
-Gelatin.
-What?
-You mix it in
with foundation makeup
and pour it in a silicone mold.
Then you paint more detail
and do the blood last.
-What are you talking about?
-For the -- For the trick.
-Oh!
-Yeah.
Frankly, for the blood,
it's important you don't
buy the store stuff.
Either make it with corn syrup
and food coloring
or save yourself some
next time you cut yourself.
-You do that?
-Yeah, you just put
the corn syrup into a bowl
and add the food coloring.
Sometimes I like
to add a bit of water
just so it's not too viscous.
-Uh, no.
You -- You cut yourself?
-Tiny pricks.
It's soothing.
Like a sound bath.
Look.
-You shouldn't do that.
-Why?
-Because it's bad.
Sometimes I dig my nails
into my thumb till it bleeds.
-You're not from here, right?
-Um...
My mom met some guy
at a media summit.
Phil. Um...
And they had an affair,
and she left my dad.
I used to live in Boston.
So basically, we just,
like, uprooted.
Um, so it's been...
It's been kind of weird.
-Do you like your mom?
-She's my mom.
-You ever think about the fact
that at some point in her life,
she had to give head
for the first time?
-Ew, no. Who are you?
- We wants it.
We needs it.
We must have the precious.
They stole it from us.
-Holy shit.
-Wicked tricksy hobbitses.
Stupid fat hobbitses.
-Would you rather fuck a dog
and no one ever knows about it
or not fuck a dog but everyone
thinks you fucked a dog?
-Fuck a dog. I think.
-That's evil.
-Hey, uh, you've talked to
a doctor, right?
-They gave me this cream,
but I think it might
be making it worse.
-Um, do you need a hand or...?
-I don't want to infect you.
What do you mean?
-With the Plague.
-You don't actually
believe in that, do you?
-Oh!
-Uh, are you guys, like, joking?
Very funny.
-Okay, you can --
you can stop now.
-Jake told everyone
you have the Plague.
-It's, like, not even a thing.
-He said you gave
Eli a backrub.
-Yeah, that's totally untrue.
So.
-Said you used scented oils
or something like lavender.
-You know the Plague is fake,
right?
-Yeah. It's dumb.
You forgot your goggles.
-Thanks.
-I don't have the Plague.
-What?
-You told everyone
I have the Plague.
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did. I know you did.
-I provided the dots.
I can't help if others
connect them.
-The dots?
-Giving Eli a back rub.
-That's not --
-It wasn't a back rub.
-Okay.
-How would you feel
if I told everyone
your mom's, like, a stripper?
-Confused.
-Confused?
-I'd feel really
fucking confused.
-Why?
-'Cause my mom's dead.
-That's not funny.
-I'm not joking.
-There's nothing wrong
with me.
-Okay.
-The Plague is fake.
-Okay.
-So can you please
tell everyone that I'm good?
-I thought you said it's fake.
-I mean, it is.
Right?
-Maybe you don't have it.
Did you wash your hands after?
-After what?
-The back rub.
-It wasn't a back rub.
He needed help
with his rash cream.
-Okay.
-Why are you doing this to me?
-Doing what?
-Telling everyone
that I have the Plague.
-Bro, come on.
Don't let what other people
think decide who you are.
-What is that,
like a fortune cookie?
-Dennis Rodman.
-Well,
I washed my hands twice.
That means I don't have it,
right?
-She does not smell good.
She smells like a foot.
No, she doesn't.
-Yeah, maybe because I was
up in her eyes.
-You were
not up in anything.
-Brought you
some tasty morsels.
Got fries there, a hot dog,
Skittles...
gummy bears.
-Thanks.
-This kid, Nick Sinsigali,
he put laxatives in my thermos
before our trip to New York
to see "Les Mis," and the bus
didn't have any bathrooms, so...
Yeah.
My mom had to come
pick me up.
It sucks 'cause I
actually really like "Les Mis."
-Yeah.
-I saw you went
and talked to a girl
and you froze up and you said
you liked pineapple.
-Exactly. At least
me and Logan have girls.
-No, you guys don't have shit.
Alright.
Well, either -- Yo.
-Shut up.
-Either you can get --
You can get...
-The only thing.
-Well, I have been inside
Marguerite.
-Well, you guys --
-Phase two -- motor skills.
Gone.
- Mm!
-You see, it was like,
facing the wall,
you can't look at the dog.
-What do you see?
-You could get like a...
-Yeah, but you can't
see the dog, bro.
-You're like her guide dog.
-No. There's a cat...
-What do you think Soppy
is doing?
-That's actually
a great question.
Where the fuck is Soppy?
-Probably giving Eli a belly rub
this time, after the back rub.
-Maybe he's giving out
some back pats.
-Back pats?
- My name
is Soppy, and I just let it out.
-Soppy!
-Better not be dreaming
about one of our bitches.
Yeah!
- Aww, Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Soppy!
-Excuse me. Hello?
Um, do you have a phone?
-Hello?
-Mom.
-Hi. Ben, is that you?
Ben? Honey? Are you there?
Can you hear me?
Ben, are you there?
-Yeah. Um, yeah, I...
I was just wondering, um...
...uh, if you could
just pick me up.
-Honey, where are you?
Ben, honey,
tell me where you are.
Tell me where you are right --
- Ben.
Hey, you know what my
favorite day of high school was?
Very last day.
Hated it.
Yeah. Had a nickname.
It was Chubz.
I hadn't even been overweight
since middle school,
but the name followed me,
and, you know,
it was stuck in my head.
And then you know what?
I graduated...
and I left it all behind,
and I started fresh.
You see?
-So...your 20s were good?
-Uh...ehh, no.
No, I mean, I had
my heart broken, and --
and then, you know, I --
I gained some more weight,
30 pounds, and then,
well, then
I put my back out
just literally reaching
for a set of keys,
and the doctor said I
was never gonna, you know,
recover and whatever.
But, I mean, even still,
yes, it was way better
than my teens.
Now, my 30s...
better than my 20s.
And now, I mean,
look at me now, right?
40 and sporty.
- And...
...your teens were better
than...
like, your first decade?
-Pshh.
Hell no.
I mean,
that time is just pure bliss.
I mean,
nothing better than that.
-This is like the
most depressing pep talk ever.
-Look, just...
be yourself, 'cause...
...then what else
are you gonna be?
You're you. It's cool.
Just be yourself, man.
It'll all work out.
I know it's a clich.
-I don't know if that helps.
Anyway...
My mom didn't yell at you,
right?
-She was just concerned,
that's all.
You really scared her.
-It's okay to cry.
Just let it out.
Let it out. It's cool.
She just doesn't know
how to, like, be a person.
-Someone giving you
a hard time, Ben?
'Cause if they are,
you just gotta tell me.
'Cause your silence
is helping no one.
Especially not you.
Is it Jake?
-What? No. No. No, why?
-Okay.
Okay.
Listen, guys like Jake...
they're just scared.
They're terrified
of guys like Eli
'cause he's different.
You wanna know a secret?
We're all different.
All of us.
I haven't even
thought about the guys
that called me Chubz
until, like, right now.
In fact, right now,
they're probably
sitting on a couch,
guess what, super chubby.
Alright, so...
You know?
What do you say?
Wanna take me home?
The swim session
-starts in 10 minutes.
Councilors, please make sure
you bring some sunscreen.
-Who's that?
-Yeah. You see, man?
No, came first.
-We think the same.
-No, the chicken came first, yo.
-Why are we
even entertaining this?
-I disagree. Exactly.
-Why did you just say egg?
- Okay?
I don't see why you have
a problem with him.
-Boom, lots of love's
got me going with this
Episode, motherfucker,
and I came for this
I was cool, I'm the gun
'cause I made the beat
-That's like incest, man.
-It wasn't in their bed.
They have this,
like, big bathtub
with, like, a
waterfall spout.
Just sliding your butt
to the side.
Pop your legs up. Ooh.
-Yo, my uncle has a hot tub,
and the jets, they're amazing.
-You see? He gets it.
-Not the same thing, though.
-No, it is the same thing.
...walking into a Taco Bell.
You ever been
to Mongolian Grill?
Dude, it's insane.
They got guys
throwing meat cleavers.
It's like, chop, chop, chop,
chop, toss.
"How are you doing today,
ma'am?" Catch.
Chop, chop, chop, chop, catch.
Toss.
I've always wanted to start
a restaurant.
Wait, maybe instead of
being seated at a booth,
you're brought
to your own private sauna
and it's like,
"Good morning, folks.
Welcome to Steam N' Sizzle.
Can I take your order?"
Open 24/7.
-Um...
...do you ever think, like...
maybe the Plague
isn't 100% fake?
Never mind.
That was a dumb question.
-I think there's
something wrong with me.
-What do you mean?
-I don't know.
I just feel something's wrong.
-Yeah, but...
but that-- that's...
just a feeling, right?
Like, it-- it's not...
actually real.
-Hey, soppy!
-Hey. What's up?
-Talked to Daddy Wags.
I just want to say if I've been
a dick or anything,
you know, I'm sorry.
-What? No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
-Have an older brother.
I'm just used to being
around his friends,
and we just give
each other shit all the time.
-Yeah, I don't even know
what you're talking about.
-Really?
-Well, you know, I --
I saw them talking to you,
but...what happened?
-You know, I got the big old
lecture on bullying and stuff,
but...
-Hmm, so dumb.
Like, what is this,
kindergarten?
You know,
maybe Eli said something.
-You think?
-Yeah.
Maybe.
-Could be.
I guess I'll see you later, bro.
-Yeah.
Fuck! Aah!
Fuck, get 'em off!
No, get off! Stop! Fuck!
Get off!
Fuck!
No, stop! Get off! Stop! No!
No!
Get off!
Stop! Fuck! Stop!
Help! Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Fuck!
Stop! Get off! Fuck!
Stop! Aah! Stop!
Get off! Stop! Aah!
Fuck!
Fuck off!
Fuck! Oh, my God! Get them off!
-The Plague!
-The Plague! The Plague!
Go snitch to Daddy Wags, bro.
Go snitch to Daddy Wags.
Go snitch to Daddy Wags.
- Get off!
Get them off!
-You okay?
-We're just messing around, Eli!
Okay? It was a funny joke!
That's what friends do.
How is that not obvious to you?!
-The Plague! The Plague!
Plague!
-Would you rather
not eat for 48 hours
or spend the day
with Daddy Wags?
-There's only one.
I think it's safe.
-I would go for 80 days.
-I'd go for 30 days
and 23 hours.
-No, no. 80 hours.
-Exactly.
-Hey.
-Yo. "Two seconds.
Wipe that grin off your face.
Canceling practice
for everybody
and putting everybody
on the street, dude."
-What?
Then if you drink water,
then it has water in it, so...
-What?
Let's go! Go, go, go!
Push!
Keep moving!
Heads up! Eyes on the ball!
Push! Push! Push!
Move that ball!
Press.
Press!
Push! Push!
Find an open spot.
-Seriously...
The ball...
-Move those legs!
Come on! Move 'em, move 'em!
Come on!
-Get back!
No, no, no, no! No! No!
Stop!
-Pass the ball!
Come on.
Keep it up!
-Alright, shoot, shoot, shoot!
-Nice, Ben.
-Hey, he fucking scratched me.
-What?
-Call it.
-Call what?
-The fucking scratch.
You blow that whistle
all the time,
and you won't blow it on him
right now?
Oh, my fuck, bro! Call it!
Fuck, bro.
You don't know fucking jack shit
about water polo, bitch.
Mm!
Get out of here!
Hey!
-You alright?
You okay?
-Oh!
-Hey! Get out of the pool!
Come on.
Come on. Get out.
Huh? What are you thinking?
-La, la, la, la, la
And now
the bells are ringing
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Hey. Whoever gets
a handjob first gets 10,000.
-Inside an empty room,
my inspiration flows
-That's the Plague
at the peak of its shit.
-The magic melody
You want to sing with me,
just la, la, la, la, la
The music is the key
And now the night is gone
Still it goes on and on
so deep inside of me
I long to set it free,
I don't know what to do
Just can't explain to you,
I don't know what to say
Oh, not another word
Just la, la, la, la, la
It goes around the world
Just la, la, la, la, la
It's all around the world
Just la, la, la, la, la
And everybody's singing
La, la, la, la, la
And now the bells
are ringing
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Eli.
-Wazzup?!
-What are you doing?
-La, la, la, la, la, la, la
-Eli! What are you doing?!
-Ben, I am dancing.
-No, Eli, you're not dancing,
because you have
no one to dance with.
-Yes, I do.
I'm dancing with Boopy.
She doesn't care about
the Plague.
Right, Boopy?
Hey! Stop!
What are you doing?!
What are you...?!
Why'd you do that?
Why'd you do that?!
-Eli.
Eli, stop. Listen to me.
Eli! Eli, stop!
-La, la, la, la, la
Wait!
Where are you going?
Come here! Stop!
Eli!
Do you know what
your problem is?
You don't even try.
You think
that you can just be yourself
and not give a shit
what anyone thinks.
But that only works when
"yourself" is the kind of person
other people want to be around.
Eli, no one wants to be
around you.
No one!
Look at me!
I'm talking to you!
Hey! Eye contact.
Ever heard of it?
What the fuck is
your fucking problem?!
You know,
one day you're gonna have to
grow the fuck up
and realize it's time
to start behaving
like an actual human being,
or you're just gonna
spend the rest
of your miserable fucking life
friendless and alone!
Is that what you want?!
Look at me.
Is that what you want?!
-Eli. It's not funny.
-Alright. Get in.
Okay. Uh...
-He's gonna be okay, right?
-Go inside, Ben.
-Right? But he's gonna be okay,
right?
-Ben, go inside!
He'll be okay.
Fuck!
-Hey, yeah, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
-Set it up, DJ!
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Take me away,
take me away
Take me away
-Set it up, DJ!
-Take me away,
take me away
Take me away
Oh
Oh
-New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
New York massive
Set it up, DJ!
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-New York massive
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
-New York massive
New York massive
-I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
I'm feeling so real
Feeling so real