The Producers (1967) Movie Script

Come on.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Don't forget the checkie.
Can't produce plays without checkies.
You can count on me,
you dirty young man.
Oh...! Oh!
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
Goodbye. Bye.
Bye... bye. Bye-bye.
Old buzzard.
Hold me, touch me.
Hold me, touch me.
Hold me, touch me.
Hold me, touch me. Ah!
Hold me, touch me!
Hold me. Touch me.
Not in the hall.
I know she's in here.
I wonder where she's hiding.
Where are you?
Where are you, devil woman?
Finders keepers...
Here I come, ready or not.
There you are, you little flirt.
What's the matter?
Papa no want to play with baby?
I think Papa's neck is broken.
What a sissy!
I wonder where old Tom is tonight?
Oh... oh!
Oh, Bialy, Bialy, darling.
Did I hurt you?
- It's only a flesh wound, lamb chop.
- Oh, don't...
Don't worry, darling.
I'll kiss it and make it well.
Mr Bialystock. Mr Bialystock?
Oh, how do you do?
Oh, my God.
I mean...
I mean, excuse me.
You mean "oops", don't you?
Just say "oops" and get out!
Not "ah-ah-ah-ah".
I can't abide a peeping Tom.
There's one in the apartment
just opposite my bedroom window.
I swear, that man never takes
his field glasses off me,
not for a minute.
- Feeling better?
- Yes.
Let's fool around.
I'll be the innocent little milkmaid,
and you be the naughty stable boy.
This milk is so heavy.
I'll never reach the house.
Help... Help me.
Will someone help me?
- Help me!
- Wait! Wait! We can't play today.
- I have too many appointments.
- We can't play today?
Thursday! Thursday!
We'll play on Thursday.
We'll play "The Contessa
and the Chauffeur".
- Oh, the best one!
- Until Thursday then, Contessa mia.
Contessa mia.
Oh, no, Bialy, Bialy,
please, just a little.
Just a little.
Money. I need money.
All right. All right. All right.
The Contessa and the Chauffeur.
So the Count hired you this morning,
Watch the road. Watch the road.
I can't take my eyes off you.
How can I drive
when you drive me mad? Mad!
Rudolfo, you dirty pig.
Pull over.
That's enough. Good. Good.
We'll do the rest on Thursday.
Now, that's a good girl. That's a good...
I'll get you your purse
and your gloves. Till Thursday...
Until Thursday, then,
you bawdy wench.
- Oh, hold me. Touch me.
- Thursday. Thursday.
And then we'll finish playing
the Contessa and Rudolfo?
First thing on Thursday.
Oh! And after that,
we'll play "The Abduction
and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia",
and I'll be Lucretia.
And I'll be Rape.
On Thursday. That's wonderful.
Lucretia, you forgot the checkie.
Can't produce plays without checkies.
Of course.
Well, I had it with me all the time.
Is it all right? I made it out to "cash",
you didn't tell me the name of the play.
Fine. Fine. Good. Good.
Thursday. Thursday.
Goodbye, my powder pigeon.
- Goodbye,
- Bye-bye.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
He who signs the lease,
must pay rent.
That's the law.
Why, you're a thief! How can you take
the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
I have to.
I'm a landlord.
O Lord, hear my plea.
Destroy him.
He maketh a blight on the land.
Don't listen to him.
He's crazy.
That hurt.
I must make another call.
Who are you?
What do you want?
Why are you loitering in my hallway?
Speak, dummy! Speak!
- Why don't you speak?
- Scared. Can't talk.
All right.
Get a hold of yourself.
Take a deep breath.
Let it out slowly.
And tell me, who are you?
I'm Leo Bloom.
I am an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall and Marx.
I was sent here to do your books,
and I'm terribly sorry
I caught you with the old lady.
"Caught you with the old lady"?
Come in, Mr Tact.
So, you're an accountant, huh?
- Yes, I am.
- Then account for yourself!
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in gold?
Why are you looking up
old ladies' dresses?
- Bit of a pervert, eh?
- Uh!
Never mind, never mind. Do the books.
They're over there in that desk.
Top drawer.
I'll take your coat.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
How dare you condemn me
without knowing all the facts!
- Mr Bialystock...
- Shut up!
I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
How humiliating.
Max Bialystock.
Max Bialystock.
You know who I used to be?
Max Bialystock, King of Broadway!
Six shows running at once!
Lunch at Delmonico's.
$200 suits.
You see this?
This once held a pearl
as big as your eye!
Look at me now. Look at me now!
I'm wearing a cardboard belt.
I used to have thousands of investors
begging, pleading
to put their money
in a Max Bialystock production.
Look at my investors now.
Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies
stopping off at Max Bialystock's office
to grab a last thrill
on the way to the cemetery.
You have exactly ten seconds
to change that look of disgusting pity
into one of enormous respect.
One, two...
Do the books, do the books.
I appreciate that, sir.
Window's so filthy,
can't tell whether it's day or night out there.
That's it, baby!
When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
Cough... cough.
I assume you're making those cartoon noises
to attract my attention.
Am I correct in my assumption,
you fish-faced enemy of the people?
Oh, I hurt your feelings.
Good! What is it?
May I speak to you for a minute?
Go. You have 58 seconds.
Well, in glancing at your books,
I noticed that in the columns marked...
You have 48 seconds left.
Hurry, hurry.
- Oh, I glanced at your books, I noticed...
- 28 seconds. You're running out of time.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
Mr Bialystock, I cannot function
under these conditions!
You're making me extremely nervous!
- What is that, a handkerchief?
- What? Nothing. That's nothing.
- If it's nothing, why can't I see it?
- Argh!
My blanket! My blue blanket!
Give me my blue blanket!
Oh, you... No! You...
Shh! Here.
Don't panic, don't panic.
Mmh... mmh. Ah...
I'm sorry.
I don't like people
touching my blue blanket.
It's not important. It's a minor compulsion.
I can deal with it if I want to.
It's just that I've had it
ever since I was a baby, and...
I find it very comforting.
They come here.
They all come here.
- How do they find me?
- May I speak to you?
Yes, Prince Mishkin.
What can we do for you?
This is hardly a time for levity.
Mr Bialystock, I've discovered a serious
error here in the accounts of your last play.
Where? What?
Well, according to the backers list,
you raised $60,000,
but the play that you produced
only cost $58,000.
That's $2,000 unaccounted for.
I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares? The play was a flop!
What difference does it make?
"What difference does it make"?
That's fraud!
If they found out,
you could go to prison.
Who's gonna find out?
It's only $2,000.
Bloom, do me a favour.
Move a few decimal points around.
You can do it. You're an accountant.
You're in a noble profession.
The word "count" is part of your title.
- That's cheating.
- It's not cheating!
It's charity.
Bloom, look at me.
Look at me, Bloom!
Bloom, I'm drowning.
Other men sail through life.
Bialystock has struck a reef.
Bloom, I'm going under.
I'm being sunk by a society
that demands success,
when all I can offer is failure.
Bloom, I'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.
Help me. Help me, Bloom.
Help me.
Yeah, I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it!
- Thank you. I knew I could con you.
- That's all right. What?
Nothing. Nothing. Do it. Do it.
Right. Let's see. $2,000.
Well, that isn't much.
I'm sure I can hide it somewhere.
After all, the Internal Revenue Service
isn't interested in a show that flopped.
Yes, right. Good thinking.
You figure it out.
I'm tired. I'm gonna take a little nap.
Wake me if there's a fire.
Let's see.
If we add these, we get ten, four...
It's absolutely amazing.
Under the right circumstances,
a producer could make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible.
If he were certain that the show would fail,
a man could make a fortune!
- Yes?
- Yes what?
- What you were saying, keep talking.
- What was I saying?
You were saying that
under the right circumstances,
a producer could make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible.
You keep saying that,
but you don't tell me how.
How can a producer make more money
with a flop than he could with a hit?
Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.
Let's assume, just for the moment,
that you are a dishonest man.
- Assume away.
- It's very easy.
- You raise more money than you need.
- What do you mean?
Well, you did it yourself,
only you did it on a very small scale.
What'd I do?
You raised $2,000 more than you needed
to produce your last play.
So? What did it get me?
I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
That's where you made your mistake.
You didn't go all the way.
You see, if you were really a bold criminal,
you could have raised $1 million.
But the play cost me only
$60,000 to produce.
And how long did it run?
- One night.
- You see?
Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?
You could have raised $1 million,
put on a $60,000 flop and kept the rest.
- But what if the play was a hit?
- Well, then you'd go to jail.
See, once the play's a hit,
you have to pay off all the backers,
and with so many backers, there could
never be enough profits to go around. Get it?
Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Ah-ha! So in order
for this scheme to work,
we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.
- What scheme?
- "What scheme"?
Your scheme, you bloody little genius!
I meant no scheme.
I merely posed a little academic
accounting theory. It was just a thought.
Bloom, worlds are turned
on such thoughts.
Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom. Glorious Bloom.
It's so simple.
Step one, we find the worst play in the world.
A sure-fire flop.
Step two, I raise $1 million.
There's a lot of old ladies in the world.
Step three, you go back
to work on the books,
phony list of backers,
one for the government, one for us.
You can do it, Bloom.
You're a wizard.
Step four, we open on Broadway.
And before you can say "step five",
we close on Broadway.
Step six, we take our $1 million,
we fly to Rio de Janeiro!
I'm an honest man.
You don't understand.
No, Bloom, you don't understand!
This is fate! This is destiny!
This is kismet!
There's no avoiding it.
Mr Bialystock, not more than
five minutes ago, I doctored your books!
That, sir, is the ultimate extent
of my criminal life!
I want that money!
I fell on my keys.
You miserable, cowardly,
wretched, little caterpillar.
Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings
and flap your way to glory?
- You're gonna jump on me.
- Huh?
You're gonna jump on me!
I know you're gonna jump on me!
Like Nero jumped on Poppaea.
- Who?
- Poppaea!
She was his wife,
and she was unfaithful to him,
so he got mad and jumped on her
up and down, up and down,
until he squashed her like a bug!
- Please don't jump on me!
- I'm not gonna jump on you!
I'm not gonna jump on you!
- Will you get a hold of yourself?
- Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
Oh, my God, no, no...
Oh, no, no, no...
I'm not gonna hurt you.
What's the matter with you?
I'm hysterical!
I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical.
I can't stop when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
I'm wet! I'm wet!
I'm hysterical, and I'm wet!
I'm in pain!
And I'm wet!
And I'm still hysterical!
No, no, don't hit, don't hit. It doesn't help.
It only increases my sense of danger.
What can I do? What can I do?
You're getting me hysterical.
- Go away, go away. You frighten me.
- Where shall I go?
- Sit over there.
- OK.
OK. I'm over here.
- This better?
- That's better.
But you still look angry.
How's this?
That's good.
That's very nice.
I think I'm coming out of it now.
Ah.. yes.
I'm definitely coming out of it.
Thank you for smiling.
That helped a great deal.
You know what they say:
"Smile and the world smiles with you."
This man should be in a straitjacket.
Feeling better?
Oh, much, thank you,
but I am a little lightheaded.
Maybe I should eat something.
Hysterical attacks have a way of severely
depleting one's blood sugar, you know?
They certainly do. They certainly do.
Let me take you to lunch.
You know, it's very nice of you
to take me to lunch, Mr Bialystock.
Call me Max. You know,
I don't let everybody call me Max.
- It's only those people I like.
- OK, Max.
- And you can call me Leo.
- I already have.
Well, where shall we go for lunch?
Well, Max, I don't know, Max.
What do you think, Max?
Well, Leo,
it's such a beautiful day,
why go to a dark, stuffy restaurant?
Let's dine al fresco.
- This is al fresco?
- The finest.
Thank you.
Mmh, excellent.
Please tender our compliments to the chef.
- Please tender half a buck.
- Of course. Here you are, my good man.
I'm not your good man.
I happen to own this establishment.
Give me the change.
Everybody's a big shot.
Well, Leo, what say
we promenade through the park?
I'd love to, but it's nearly two o'clock.
I should get back to Whitehall and Marx.
As far as Whitehall and Marx is concerned,
- you're working with Max Bialystock, right?
- Right.
Then stick with Bialystock.
Lovely out here, isn't it?
I wish I could enjoy it.
I'm so nervous.
What if someone from the office
should see me?
Then you'd see them,
and why aren't they at the office?
That's right.
That's it, Leo. You're learning.
Having a good time?
I don't know.
I feel so strange.
Maybe you're happy.
That's it. I'm happy.
What do you know
about that?
I'm happy!
I'm happy!
There it is, Bloom.
The most exciting city in the world.
Thrills, adventure, romance.
Everything you ever dreamed of
is down there.
Big black limousines.
Gold cigarette cases.
Elegant ladies with long legs.
All you need is money, Bloom.
Money is honey. Money is honey.
- Leo, he who hesitates is poor.
- Mmh...
Don't let me influence you.
It's your decision.
But if we get caught,
we'll go to prison.
You think you're not in prison now?
Living in a grey, little room?
Going to a grey, little job?
Leading a grey, little life?
That's right.
I'm a nothing.
I spend my life counting
other people's money.
People I'm smarter than.
Better than.
Where's my share?
Where's Leo Bloom's share?
I want...
I want...
I want everything I've ever seen
in the movies!
Leo, say you'll join me!
I'll do it!
- By God, I'll do it!
- He'll do it!
He'll do it!
I'm Leo Bloom!
I'm me!
I can do whatever I want!
It doesn't matter!
I'm Leo Bloom!
Max, let's call it a night.
It's two in the morning.
I don't know what I'm reading anymore.
Read, read. We've got to find
the worst play ever written.
"Gregor Samsa woke one morning
"to discover that he had been transformed
into a giant cockroach."
It's too good.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I've read this play.
I'm reading plays I read this morning.
I can't go on.
It's too much.
Max, let's face it, we'll never find it.
"We'll never find it", huh?
"We'll never find it",
"We'll never find it", huh?
"We'll never find it", huh?
"We'll never find..."
Smell it.
See it?
Touch it, touch it.
- What is it?
- "What is it"? We've struck gold.
Not fool's gold, but real gold.
The mother lode, the mother lode.
The mother of them all.
Kiss it, kiss it.
- You found a flop.
- "A flop"! That's putting it mildly.
We've found a disaster,
a catastrophe, an outrage!
- A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty.
- Let's see it.
This is freedom from want forever.
This is a house in the country.
This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley.
This is wine, women,
and song... and women.
"Springtime for Hitler.
"A gay romp with Adolf and Eva
at Berchtesgaden."
- Wow!
- Wow!
It's practically a love letter to Hitler.
- This won't run a week.
- A week? Are you kidding?
This play has got to close on page four.
- Who wrote it?
- Who? Read, read. Right there. Read, read.
- "Franz..."
- Franz.
- "...Liebkind."
- Liebkind.
- "100..."
- 100.
- "...West..."
- West.
- "...Jane Street."
- Jane Street.
Franz Liebkind.
100 West Jane Street.
- Who do you want?
- I beg your pardon?
Who do you want?
No one gets in the building
unless I know who they want.
I'm the concierge.
My husband used to be the concierge,
but he's dead.
Now I'm the concierge.
We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Oh, the kraut!
He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
But you won't find him there.
He's up on the roof with his birds.
He keeps birds.
Dirty, disgusting, filthy,
lice-ridden birds.
You used to be able to sit out
on the stoop like a person.
Not anymore. No, sir.
You get my drift?
We get it. We get your drift.
Thank you, madam.
I'm not a madam!
I'm a concierge!
- He's wearing a German helmet.
- Shh!
Don't say anything to offend him.
We need that play.
- Franz Liebkind?
- I was never a member of the Nazi party!
I'm not responsible!
I only followed orders!
Who are you?
Why do you persecute me?
My papers are in order.
I love my adopted country.
What do you want?
Relax! Relax, Mr Liebkind.
We're not from the government.
We came here to talk about your play.
My play?
You mean, "Springtime for...
- Yes.
- What about it?
We love it. We think it's a masterpiece.
That's why we're here.
We wish to produce it on Broadway.
Oh... Oh, joy of joys!
Oh, dream of dreams.
I can't believe it.
I must tell the birds.
Birds! Birds!
Birds, do you hear?
Otto! Berthe!
Heinz! Hans! Wolfgang!
Do you hear?
We are going to clear the fuhrerer's name.
Mr Liebkind, Mr Liebkind, please.
People can hear.
This is not a place to talk.
Come, we'll go to my flat.
An occasion like this
calls for schnapps!
You know, not many people knew it...
but the fuhrerer was a terrific dancer.
Really? I never dreamed that...
That is because that you were taken in
by that Verdammte Allied propaganda!
Such filthy lies! They told lies!
But nobody ever said a bad word
about Winston Churchill, did they?
No! "Win with Winnie!"
With his cigars. With his brandy.
And his rotten painting, rotten!
Hitler, there was a painter.
He could paint an entire apartment
in one afternoon! Two coats!
He couldn't even say "Nazi".
He would say, "Noses. Noses."
It wasn't "Noses"! It was "Nazis"!
- Exactly why...
- Let me tell you this!
And you're hearing this
straight from the horse!
Hitler was better-looking than Churchill.
He was a better dresser than Churchill.
He had more hair!
He told funnier jokes, and he could dance
the pants off of Churchill!
- Exactly why...
- Churchill!
Yes... yes. Churchill!
That's exactly why
we want to produce this play -
to show the world the true Hitler,
the Hitler you loved,
the Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song in his heart.
Here, Franz Liebkind, sign here,
and make your dream a reality.
Here it is! "Springtime for Hitler",
signed, sealed, and delivered.
- What's the matter?
- I'm not wearing this armband.
I don't care how big the deal is.
I won't wear it.
OK. Take it off, take it off.
The Blue Gypsy.
Why are we going to the Blue Gypsy?
We are not going to the Blue Gypsy.
I am going to the Blue Gypsy.
I have a rendezvous
with a lady of some means.
You see, my dear Bloom,
phase one is complete.
The play is ours.
We are now entering phase two -
the raising of the money.
In the days to come,
you will see very little of me,
for Max Bialystock is launching himself
into little-old-lady land.
A dieu. A Vanti!
You're incorrigible, Bialy.
Here's to the success of your new play.
- Our new play, my love.
- Oh...
Oh, Bialy, I'm so sorry.
- Did I wet you?
- Think nothing of it, my dear.
A mere trifle, a mere trifle.
Did you bring the checkie?
Oh, yes,
I have it right here in my purse.
And I made it out just like you told me.
To "cash".
That's a funny name for a play.
Think nothing of it, my dear.
- Thank you, my dear.
- Say it again, Bialy.
And I swear to you on my life,
you don't look a day over 65.
There you are.
- I love you.
- What?
I love you.
- I love you!
- Oh!
Go, Bialy-baby, go!
'Who is it?'
It's Max Bialystock.
'Oh, good.
I thought it was a burglar.
'Wait. I'll let you in.'
Mrs Sarah Cathcart.
She owns 50 per cent of the profits.
Mrs Virginia Resnick.
She also owns 50 per cent of the profits.
Mrs Eleanor Biddlecomb.
She also owns 50 per cent of the profits.
Mrs Alma Wentworth.
She owns 100 per cent of the profits.
Leo, how much percentage of a play
can there be altogether?
Max, you can only sell
100 per cent of anything.
And how much of
"Springtime for Hitler" have we sold?
25,000 per cent.
25,000 per cent!
Give me that blue thing.
Max, where are you going?
We haven't finished signing the contracts.
I have to see that money.
Hello, boys.
If you only knew
what I went through for you.
- Max, what are you doing?
- I'm gonna buy myself a toy.
I worked very, very hard,
and I think I deserve a toy.
A toy?
A toy!
That's a toy?
She happens to be
our new receptionist.
She goes with our new surroundings.
Ulla, I want you to meet my associate
and partner, Mr Leo Bloom.
God dag p deg.
- I beg your pardon?
- God dag p deg.
Oh, god dagen...
Max, have you gone mad?
A receptionist that can't speak English?
What will people say?
They'll say, "Ah-woo-ah
- What is she going to do here?
- Shh!
I'll show you.
Ulla, go to work.
"Go to work."
Ulla, OK.
OK, Ulla.
Cream puff,
sweetie pie, pussycat, OK.
Stop work!
Would you believe it?
I met her at the public library.
Go to desk.
Answer telephone.
"Bialystock and Bloom.
Bialystock and Bloom."
Bialystock and Bloom.
Bialystock and Bloom.
God dag p deg.
Bialystock and Bloom.
God dag p deg.
Bialystock and Bloom.
God dag p deg.
Nice girl.
Hey, Bloom.
Take a cigar.
Max, maybe we should both...
- What's that?
- Nothing, nothing. Go on, go on.
Smart as a whip.
No, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no!
You Swedish tease.
Min Bialystock.
You'll bury me.
Leo, what were you saying?
What? Oh, Max...
Maybe we should go
a little easier on the spending.
- I mean, these offices and all.
- Why? Take it when you can get it.
Flaunt it, baby! Flaunt it!
But if something should,
God forbid, go wrong,
at least we could give back
some of the money.
I mean,
it would look better in court.
Stop talking like that,
you white mouse.
Nothing is gonna go wrong.
As a matter of fact, today,
I have taken steps to make sure
that "Springtime for Hitler"
will be a total disaster.
At two o'clock, we have an appointment
with none other than Roger de Bris.
Roger de Bris?
What? Oh, the director.
Is he good?
- I mean, is he bad?
- He stinks.
He's perhaps the worst director
that ever lived.
He's the only director whose plays
close on the first day of rehearsal.
- Do you think he'll take the job?
- Only if we ask him.
It's late. I'll get the car.
Call chauffeur. Get car.
Good, good. We go to motel?
No, no, no. We go.
You and Mr Bloom go to motel?
No. No motel.
Get car. Get car.
Get car, get car.
Get car.
Thank you, Rudolfo.
Now, don't let anything
he says or does upset you.
He's a little peculiar.
- What do you mean?
- Yes?
I am Max Bialystock.
This is my associate, Mr Bloom.
We have an appointment
with Mr de Bris.
Oh, yes, you are expected.
Please do come in.
How do you do?
I'm Carmen Giya,
Monsieur de Bris' private secretary.
Would you please remove your shoes?
White, white, white
is the colour of our carpet.
Will you please follow me?
We're not alone!
Please sit down.
Ah! Messrs Bialystock and Bloom,
I presume?
Forgive the pun.
- What pun?
- Shut up. He thinks he's witty.
Good to see you again, Roger.
Did you get a chance to read
"Springtime for Hitler"?
A stunning piece of work.
Max, he's wearing a dress.
No kidding.
I, for one, think
it is a very important play.
Do you know, I never realised
that the Third Reich meant Germany!
I mean, it's drenched
with historical goodies like that.
Oh, dear...
You're staring at my dress.
I should explain.
I'm going to the
choreographer's ball tonight.
- There is a prize for the best costume.
- And we always win.
I'm not so sure about tonight.
I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess Anastasia,
but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie.
What do you think?
- Well...
- Now, be cruel.
Be brutal. Be brutal!
Because, heaven knows, they will.
Well? What do you think,
Mr Bloom?
Where do you keep your wallet?
It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.
You couldn't have picked a better colour.
It brings out your eyes.
Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you.
- Do you really think it brings out my eyes?
- We can't tell a thing without your wig.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're only half-dressed.
Well, if you're so worried
about the wig, get it,
O Wicked Witch of the West.
- He likes you.
- I don't want to...
Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?
I've never been on a summer cruise.
A h! Quel dommage.
Oh, I see we're getting acquainted.
How would you like to go back
to teasing hair, big mouth?
Later, Roger.
Roger, do you mind
if we talk a little business?
Oh, please, please.
That is what we are here for.
I think this would be
a marvellous opportunity for you, Roger.
Be careful. That hurt!
Up to now, you've always
been associated with musicals.
Yes! Dopey showgirls with gooey gowns.
"Two, three, kick, turn.
Turn, turn, kick, turn!"
It's enough to make you puke.
But now, at last,
a chance to do straight drama.
Roger de Bris presents history.
Of course,
I think we should add a little music,
and that whole third act has got to go.
They're losing the war.
It's too depressing.
We shall have to put something in there.
I see it! I see it!
A line of beautiful girls
dressed as storm troopers,
black patent leather boots,
- S-M.
- Love it.
All marching together!
"Two, three, kick, turn.
Turn, turn, kick, turn..."
It will work!
That is genius! Genius!
I think I speak for Mr Bloom
and myself when I say
you're the only man in the world
who can do justice to "Springtime for Hitler".
Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.
It might affect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it.
- I'll do it.
- Congratulations and thank you.
Get on the phone!
Send out a casting call!
Call every agent in town!
I want to see everybody, everybody!
This is bedlam! Bedlam!
We must have some order!
Whoa, whoa... whoa!
Will the dancing Hitlers
please wait in the wings?
We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Arthur Packard.
Hello, Arthur.
Tell us something about yourself.
I was the lead tenor
of the Albuquerque Opera Company
for the last two seasons.
I just finished the road tour of "Lilac Time",
and last season,
I was up for the lead
in the Broadway production
of "The Gypsy Lover".
What happened?
I didn't get it.
Well, Arthur, what are you going
to sing for us?
I would like to sing
"A Wandering Minstrel I".
Next, please!
Jason Green. Please.
Well, Jason, and what
have you been up to lately?
For the last 16 years,
I have been touring with the USO.
And what are you going to sing for us?
"Have You Ever Heard
The German Band?"
That's the name of the song
I am going to sing.
You will play it!
"The Little Wooden Boy".
- Oh! Does that mean that I don't get...
- I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
Well, that's it.
- Hey, man.
- I beg your pardon?
Is this where they're auditioning
"Boomerang", baby?
I'm afraid you wandered
into the wrong theatre.
Oh, man, not again!
Freaked out again.
Wait! Wait!
This is "Boomerang", this is "Boomerang".
- What are you saying?
- Let's hear him. What have we got to lose?
All right.
- Young man...
- Yes, man?
What is your name?
Oh, man. My name?
I know my...
Lorenzo! Lorenzo, baby.
Lorenzo St. Dubois,
but my friends call me LSD.
- And what have you done, LSD?
- Man, about six months.
But I'm on probation,
and I'm cool, man. I'm straight.
I mean, what do you do best?
Hey, man, I can't do that here.
That's why they put me away, baby.
Oh, sing, sing.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so very much.
We're gonna sing.
If I may, I'd like to call on my group.
They kind of help me a little.
Group! Come on, fellas.
I would like to sing this song.
It's about love... and hate.
Psychedelically speaking,
I am talking about "the power".
That's our Hitler!
Your Highness.
There's The Times ' drama critic.
Watch closely as Max Bialystock
puts the last nail into the coffin.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.
Always delighted to greet
the gentlemen of the press.
Here you are, sir.
Two on the aisle,
compliments of the management.
Thank you.
Wait, wait... Wait a moment.
There seems to be some mistake.
There's a $100-bill
wrapped around these tickets.
That's no mistake.
Enjoy the show.
Mr Bialystock,
just what do you think you're doing?
I'm bribing you.
Just play ball,
there's a lot more where that came from.
Fix this button.
Straight! Up! Up! Always up!
Gentlemen, it is magic time.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Tonight, Broadway, tomorrow...
So much for Nazi failure.
He'll kill us.
Max, come on, the overture's started.
Well, Max...
This is it!
Sorry. I'm a little nervous.
Relax. In two hours,
our worries will be over.
Talk about bad taste!
Come, let us repair
to the bar across the street.
We don't want to be caught here
during intermission.
They'll stone us to death.
Er liebt mich, er liebt mich nicht.
Er liebt mich, er liebt mich nicht.
Er liebt mich nicht!
Hey, man...
I lieb you. I lieb you, baby.
I lieb you!
Now lieb me alone.
Harry, he's funny.
Hey, Maureen, come!
If you lieb me so much,
why don't you pay attention to me,
you big dictator?
Oh, you chicks!
Oh, you chicks! You're all alike!
All you think about is
lieben, lieben, lieben, lieben!
Don't you forget, baby,
I took an oath.
Deutschland uber alles!
- Ah.
- So, cool it,
while I map out my campaign.
Did you see the look
on that woman's face?
When the guy started to sing...
Here's to the one and only performance
of "Springtime for Hitler".
May it rest in peace.
Innkeeper! Innkeeper!
Another round of drinks here.
As a matter of fact, a round of drinks
for everybody in the place.
Just think...
I was a meaningless little accountant,
and today I'm the producer
of a Broadway flop!
Well, here's to failure.
To failure.
Oh, thank you.
It's very kind of you.
Bitte schon, mein fuhrerer.
Hey, man, you're a German!
We're all Germans!
That's right!
That means we cannot attack Germany.
I mean, I got all my friends here,
you know?
And what about me?
And then there's the country club
and the laughs every night...
We got to do something.
I got it!
I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!
I've got it!
- What have you got?
- A medal. It fell down my pants, man.
Get it out, baby.
Danke Schon, baby.
"Baby. Baby."
Why does he say this "baby"?
The fuhrerer has never said "baby".
I did not write "baby".
What is it with this "baby"?
Will you please shut up?
You shut up.
You are the audience.
I am the author. I outrank you!
Barkeep! Barkeep!
Another drink for myself...
my associate, Mr Bloom...
And don't forget
our good-natured inebriate over here.
Eternally grateful.
- A toast!
- A toast!
A toast!
To what?
To toast. I love toast.
- To toast.
- To toast.
I'll take the lead,
and I want you right behind
me all the way!
It's intermission! Quick!
Hide your faces.
They'll tear us to pieces.
- Give us a couple of Manhattans.
- I'll have a Manhattan.
- Here you go, Frank.
- You getting it? Good boy!
Two whisky sours, please.
Well, so far, that's about one of the
funniest things I've ever seen on Broadway.
- I never laughed so much in my life.
- Absolutely hysterical!
I thought I'd split my sides!
Take it easy. Don't panic.
There are a lot of plays on this street.
They aren't necessarily
talking about "Springtime for Hitler".
Would you ever believe you'd love
a show called "Springtime for Hitler"?
Hey, come on, let's get back!
If the second act is anything like the first,
this'll run for five years!
Gotta think. Gotta think.
Mrs Cathcart, 50 per cent.
Mrs Resnick, 50 per cent.
Gotta think.
- Mrs Biddlecomb, 50 per cent.
- Gotta think. Gotta think.
Mrs Wentworth, 100 per cent.
- Leo.
- No way out.
- Leo.
- No way...
- No way...
- Leo, listen.
Let's go to the theatre
and see what's really happening.
After all, we only heard from
a small portion of the audience.
Let's hear what the majority thinks.
- The majority?
- The majority.
- Let's hear from the majority.
- Yeah, the majority.
- Where's the majority?
- Majority.
- Let's hear the majority.
- The majority.
- See the majority?
- The majority.
- Where's the majority?
- The majority.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
The play here is in progress!
You must be quiet!
Swine! Swine!
Oh, man, we're losing everything!
Where's my Goebbels?
Where's my Goebbels?
Where's my Goebbels?
Get me my little Joe!
Send for Goebbels!
- Send for Goebbels!
- Send for Goebbels!
- Heil, baby!
- Hey, baby!
What's happening?
I just laid the morning propaganda
programmes on the people.
You're putting me on!
What did they say?
I told the people we invaded England!
Hey, that's a groove, daddy!
How did we come out?
We beat 'em, baby!
Groovy! That's my Joe!
That's my little Joe.
I love my little Joe.
You are smoking
in the presence of the fuhrerer.
I'm sorry, big daddy.
They try.
Man, how they try.
- Ja!
- Hey, what can I do for you?
You will please be unconscious.
This is an outrage.
It must stop.
It makes me so mad what they do.
Curtain must go down! Down!
Hey, what's happening?
I am the author of this play!
You are the victims of a hoax!
These are not my words!
The fuhrerer has never said this "baby"!
The fuhrerer was sweet!
The fuhrerer was kind!
The fuhrerer was good!
Oh, he loved me!
Often, often he would say to me,
"Franz... Ow!"
- Yeah?
- We make love?
No. We don't make love.
Go to work.
"It's the biggest hit on Broadway."
"Hitler will run forever."
"Congratulations." "Congratulations."
Have you seen the lines
at the box office?
It's a torrent!
It's an avalanche!
It's the biggest hit on Broadway!
You lousy fruit! You ruined me!
You're crazy! He's gonna kill me!
Call the police! Call the police!
Help! Help!
Murder! Murder! Rape!
Don't let anybody in.
Got to think.
I got to think.
How could this happen?
I was so careful.
I picked the wrong play,
the wrong director, the wrong cast.
Where did I go right?
What are you doing?
Don't try to stop me.
I've made up my mind.
What are you doing with the books?
Where are you going?
I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.
I'm gonna cooperate with the authorities.
They'll reduce my sentence,
there's time off for good behaviour,
and maybe I'll get a job
in the prison library. So long.
Leo. Leo...
Leo, Leo, Leo...
Leo, Leo, take it easy. Relax.
You're overwrought.
You don't know what you're doing.
You're acting out of panic.
Give me those books!
I never should have listened to you!
I never should have
listened to you!
- Oh, how I hate you!
- Double, double, double!
Fat! Fat!
You fatty!
Give me those books, you fat walrus!
- Never!
- Give 'em quick!
- You fat fatty, give me those fat books!
- No! No!
You have broken the sacred oath!
You must die!
This is not good here.
I am not killing you.
Don't you understand?
You must die.
Will you cooperate?
- Come in!
- Come in!
I hear noise. You call?
Where are y...
I see you.
You like something? Coffee?
Yes! Good idea.
Ask the gentleman with the gun...
the gentleman who is shooting at us
and trying to kill us,
what he will have.
You like coffee?
Kaffee? Ja.
Black, two sugars.
Two regular,
one black, two sugar. Good.
- Champagne?
- No, thanks. I have just ordered Kaffee.
Are you coming out
from behind this desk or not?
- Not!
- Cowards!
Miserable, cringing cowards!
Clinging to life! Watch!
Watch and remember!
Franz Liebkind
will show you how to die like a man!
Soon I will be with mein fuhrerer.
And Garing! And Goebbels!
And Himmler!
I'm coming, boys!
Boy, when things go wrong...
Wasted a whole day
playing hide-and-seek with a crazy kraut!
- There, there.
- Where? Where?
You crazy lunatic,
what are you shooting at us for?
Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good?
Why don't you shoot at the actors?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
Never mind. Listen.
Every night, people are laughing
at your beloved fuhrerer. Why?
It is... It is that LSD.
Und his Verdammte "babies"!
Here. Here!
Buy bullets.
Go. Kill.
Kill the actors.
- What?
- Shut up!
The actors.
I must destroy the actors.
Stop! This is insanity!
Have you lost your mind?
How can you kill the actors?
What do you mean, "kill the actors"?
Actors are not animals.
They're human beings.
They are?
Have you ever eaten with one?
Go! Go, kill! Forward!
- No!
- Make up your minds!
What are you doing? We're trapped!
It's either the show or us!
There's no way out!
What can we do, blow up the theatre?
- Dynamite.
- Dynamite.
- Fuse.
- Fuse.
And now for the master connection.
Don't shoot! It's the dynamite.
If you shoot it,
it will get mad at us and blow us all up.
That is good thinking.
I will put this dynamite back.
Next time I produce a play, no author.
- Max?
- What is it?
- Max?
- What?
Remember yesterday
in the office when we were fighting?
I'm sorry I called you "fat, fat, fat".
We have here a technical problem.
I do not know whether this little devil
here is the quick fuse or the slow fuse.
I must find this out.
This is critical.
A h, ja, ja. You see this?
You see this?
Hear what I have told you?
Ja. This is an example
of smartness here.
I have said that this is the quick fuse,
and this is the quick fuse.
The quick fuse!
Has the jury reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honour.
How does the jury find?
We find the defendants incredibly guilty.
Do the defendants
have anything to say in their behalf
before the court pronounces sentence?
I would like to say something,
Your Honour.
Not on my behalf, but in reference
to my partner, Mr Bialystock.
Your Honour,
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Max Bialystock is the most...
selfish man I ever met in my life.
Don't help me.
Not only is he a liar...
and a cheat...
and a scoundrel and a crook...
who has taken money
from little old ladies,
but he's also talked people
into doing things, especially me,
that they would never in a thousand years
have dreamed of doing.
But, Your Honour,
as I understand it,
the law was created
to protect people from being wronged.
Your Honour,
whom has Max Bialystock wronged?
I mean,
whom has he really hurt?
Not me.
Not me.
I was...
This man...
No one ever called me Leo before.
I mean,
I know it's not a big legal point,
but even in kindergarten,
they used to call me Bloom.
I never sang a song before.
I mean with someone else.
I never sang a song
with someone else before.
This man...
This man...
This is a wonderful man.
He made me what I am today.
He did.
And what of the dear ladies?
What would their lives have been
without Max Bialystock?
Max Bialystock...
who made them feel young...
and attractive...
and wanted again.
That's all that I have to say.
Order. Order.
And may I humbly add, Your Honour,
that we've learned our lesson,
and that we'll never do it again.
Eins, zwei, drei, Vier.
Now, come on, guys,
let's put a little life in it.
You now own 20 per cent of
"Prisoners of Love". Congratulations.
Yes, sir?
You now own 30 per cent of
"Prisoners of Love". Congratulations.
Yes, sir?
Erm, the warden would like to make
a little investment in your production.
Tell him he owns 50 per cent of the show.
- Thanks!
- My pleasure.
From the top, Franz. Once more.
Eins, zwei, drei, und...
We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!