The Put Chutney Show (2018) Movie Script

Something is missing da, machan!
There's nothing
more to add Aswin.
No da, look again da.
Viral video.
Done!
-Superhero video
-Done!
-Video Memes.
-Done!
-Cultural insight videos.
-Done!
-Reaction video.
-Done!
-Reaction to Reaction video.
-Done! Done!
Political Satire!?
-What!?
-What!?
"Ah...reliable souce...reliable
source...reliable source...hello...hello!"
Delicate Position.
Parody video, mystical videos.
Social issues, outrage video, feminism.
Trending ethuvathu pannanum machan!
[Have to create something which Trends]
Let's do a TV show!?
Bad Memories.
We should do something
about ourselves.
Our story!
With a sense of humor.
It has to be original.
-Southside Stories.
-Southside stories.
Stories!
Humor!
Comedy!
Stand Up! Let's do a
comedy stand-up show.
Let's do a Stand-Up comedy show.
Sure!
Ennada pusuku nu ok sollitinga?
[How come you guys agreed to it?]
Ok, we'll call it,
THE PUT CHUTNEY SHOW!
Follow Me!
Dei, this way da!
Unnae ellam vechitu kola kuda panna mudiyathu.
[Can't even commit a murder with you help]
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Presenting the first
performer of the show,
Aswin Rao!
Height Le vechi irukkan Mic eh!
[The mic is placed quite high]
Engalakku ellame chinnadhu da...
[Everything is small when it comes to us]
What Chennai how are you doing?
My name is Aswin Rao, to all
of you who don't know me.
I'm a software
engineer by birth.
Ya, software engineer...
...middle class Brahmin what else to do?
Nothing else you can do in life.
Hey no da, don't laugh da.
I worked in the software
industry for five years.
I worked.
After 5 years I realized,
I don't like the job.
I'll become a Stand-Up comedian.
Which is even worse.
But off late you see,
6 months these people are
working in a software company,
I don't like job, I
don't like my boss...
I don't like laptop, I don't like
my ID card, I don't like my...
...watchman, I don't
like anything.
They go on FB with full outrage.
Suddenly they realize they're all
glorified keyboard and mouse operators.
They don't even need
the whole keyboard,
just the CTRL C & V and they'll
be happy for rest of their life.
And for all these
software Engineers,
the only passion that
they can find...
...is to become a photographer.
Next day morning they'll
go to a camera store,
buy one Canon camera,
three lenses...
buy one bag, buy one tripod.
Bring everything back home...
put everything on the bed,
take their phone camera out.
And take a photograph of it,
then upload on FB and say...
Upload on FB and say what?
Ammunition ready
shooting starts!
Okkali Pakistan ku anappu avana...
[Send him to Pakistan]
Ammunition ready uh ma!
Shooting starts uh ma!
Nonsense.
Next day morning they'll get up
at 6AM and go to Nageshwara Park.
The moment they enter the park,
suddenly they'll become nature lovers.
Now that they have a camera no?
Machan there's a tree Da!
Tree is having branch...Branch
is having leaves!
Today morning only
they got camera,
they'll pretend like today
morning only they got eye sight.
30 minutes they'll spend
in Nageshwara Park...
300 photographs they'll
take and comeback.
They'll come back home and
see all the photographs.
Out of the 300 photographs,
299 photographs will
be out of focus.
Arivu iruntha thaane!?
[No brains at all]
But nothing can stop them.
All those 299 photographs
they'll upload on FB and say,
"Life is a BLUR"
300th photograph will be a photograph
which is actually in focus.
by mistake one flower
in that garden.
With that they'll create
their first album.
And all of them have the same
name for their first album.
Which is "Random Clicks"!
How's it random?
It's in a park and
it's of a flower.
Which part of that is random?
Ithulla tag-line Vera...
[A tag-line for that...]
"I clicked what my eyes picked!"
Random clicks album will
have 20 photographs.
Not 20 different photographs.
20 variations of the
same photograph.
Same photograph in high
saturation and low saturation.
High contrast, low contrast.
Black and White, Color!
Sepia, Semiya, Raitha...everything
they'll upload.
Lastly they'll upload the original
photograph and say "#No-Filter!"
Very honest they're
about their life.
And for this they'll have friends
who'll come and put like on FB.
And they'll give them
inspiration......how!?
Hey machan super click da!
You're only next Manirathnam da!
Ketu paruda Manirathnam director da!
[Ask around Manirathanam is a Director]
Now that they have all
that inspiration...
...you know what they'll do?
They'll take their passion
to the next level.
They'll create their own
Facebook Photography Page.
Now only all that
creativity will come in,
'cause they have
to name that page.
Kanan Candid Creations.
Punished Pixels Photography.
Parthasarathy Photo Factory.
Photo Factory!?
Uttanna onnu!
[Whack you!]
And now they'll have a new DP.
Their display picture on FB won't be
the photograph they have taken...
it'll be a photograph of
them taken by someone else.
with them with the camera.
Like this one pose,
Like this one pose.
Like this one pose.
Periya Captain Vijaykanth!
[As if you're Captain Vijaykanth]
But now that they have
their own FB page and all.
They'll call themselves creative
professional photographers.
And then they'll go to all
the functions and events.
All by themselves, without
being invited also.
This baby's naming ceremony...
Girl's puberty function.
Engagement, Wedding,
Reception, First night...
If they had to will take
a camera to a funeral,
take a photograph of the dead
body and say Still Photography.
This will go on for sometime,
then one of their idiot friend will
say, "Machan I'm getting married da"
You come and do the
photography of my wedding.
I'll pay you for it.
The moment they know, he's
going to get paid for it.
He'll quit his job and
put all the money
in to the equipment which
he doesn't know how to use.
And go off for all the weddings.
When they go for the weddings, they'll
have a new technique to shoot.
You know what that is?
All the photographs will
be between the arms.
Between the bum,
between the ears...
only eyes in focus.
only nose in focus.
They call it Candid Photography.
I'm telling you these fellows take
candid photography to next level.
Because what is
candid photography?
If you take photograph of someone
else without their knowledge.
That's Candid Photography.
If you take photograph of someone
else with your knowledge...no?
That's next level
candid photography.
Torture pannuranga!
[Torturing us!]
Six months this will go on.
They'll not have any
clue what to do in life.
Savings will get over.
You know what they'll do.
Their first photograph
that they took of,
"Ammunition ready,
Shooting Starts!"
That picture they'll upload
on OLX and sell everything.
And they won't know
what to do in life?
For all you people who
have passion in life,
Ill tell you what to do,
don't do it that way.
After you finish Engineering,
you've to finish
Engineering anyway.
Finish Engineering.
Illana evannu ponnu kuduka maatan
[If not, no girl will marry you]
Finish Engineering.
Take one loan from your
father and mother.
Buy camera, buy whatever
you want in life.
You'll figure out in 6
months you've no talent.
At that point you go
join a software company,
you'll say machan
I have a boss da.
I have ID Card, I have laptop...
I have a chair, I
have a watchman...
I found out, what I want to be.
my passion is
software Engineering.
Kai thattreengale, ithu yen vazhkai
[It's funny to you, but this is my life]
And a thumbs up to add to it.
But this is not my
problem in life.
My problem is not that I'm a
failed software engineer,
or a failed photographer
or anything.
the problem for me is that
I have a elder brother.
Who is a perfect example
of middle class....
...software Engineer boy.
But the moment he went to US to do
his Masters, everything changed.
He started taking photographs with
all the white girls he could find.
Our next door Nadia.
Opposite house Claudia.
Underground Ursula.
Graduate Gabriel.
Took photos with everybody and
sent it back to my parents.
The moment my parents
saw the photographs,
realized that their first
son is ready for mating.
I meant marriage.
It's the same.
What else you're going to do?
Yoga!?
So for every photo that he sent,
they sent return photo.
Every Nadia one Nakshatra.
Every Claudia one Kamatchi.
Every Ursula, one
Uma Maheshwari.
Every Gabriel one Gaja Gamini.
So my brother did the hook
up through the dial-up.
So the female in the email.
Dating through the chatting.
And decided he wanted
to get married to her.
But the biggest trouble
for all of us,
who are siblings.
Who have elder brother,
who are NRI's.
Is go to see "Ponnu Paakufying" for him.
[To look for match]
We go seek alliance for him no?
That time my father won't
take his photograph.
Will take me and go.
In front of the
entire girl's family,
whether the girl is
feeling shy or not...
I'll be standing, Vanakkam!
Then my father will say, this is
Anand's younger brother Aswin.
But Anand is much more fairer,
much more good looking.
sharp features.
Working in America and
a green card holder.
That's when I realized,
for my parents I'm not
an ordinary son.
I'm a comparison.
But Damn funny.
My family is a very funny family.
That's why I get so
much content from them.
All families are funny da.
Late 90's my brother
got married.
those days wives visa won't
get approved right away,
it'll take six months for
the visa to be approved.
So he has to go to US
separately, by himself.
And in those day, if someone from
Mylapore is going to the US,
entire Mylapore will
go to the Airport.
Thaatha, Paati, Chithappa, Chitti
[Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle, Aunty]
Bed sheet, puliyodara, tayir
sadam everything will go.
One full day, it'll
be like a picnic.
So we all went to the Airport,
just before my
brother could say...
bye and all, he went up to
everyone and bid goodbye.
He went to his wife,
gave her a hug and
kiss on the cheek.
Entire Anna International
Airport was silent like this.
Suddenly all the men ran off
to one corner of the airport,
Lufthansa to Brussels is not on the departure
board of Anna International Airport.
All the women ran off
to other corner,
There's no Mysurpa at
Sree Krishna Sweets,
what's happening to Anna
International Airport.
They couldn't come to fact with
the term that their own son,
was kissing his own wife,
on her own cheek.
We Indians can never get
public display of affection.
Tha's 'cause we're all
Software Engineers.
Really! I'll tell you why.
11th and 12th grade all
the Biology students,
were studying insertions
of a different kind.
Nobody taught us this.
So we go to the computer lab
and make up our own sex jokes.
Machan how big is
your hard disk da?
Can insert my disk
in to your drive?
Mouse is having balls da.
So for 15 years this fellow
is using a hand held device.
Suddenly if you gives
hands-free means...how!!!?
Ennathey pannuvaan?
[What will he do?]
Onnum panna mudiyathu.
[Can't do squat]
But then my brother got married,
and immediately my
parents are like,
Aswin you've to get married,
you've to get married...
Problem for all us South
Indians at least is,
that if we're not married
beyond an age...
It's our parents problem.
Because when we were young,
we'll have sleepovers.
we will have boy
friend, girl friend...
wearing mini skirts
and five years old.
That girl will come to your house.
You'll play something,
and then you'll go home and
sleep in the same room.
I tried that ten years later.
Yen thappu uh!?
[Not my fault!]
You'll do it for me
during my childhood.
When I want to do it,
you won't let me do it.
And then you'll say, go get married,
go get married, go get married.
But somehow I managed
to find a girlfriend.
Problem was she is a Malayali.
How many Malayali's
in the house?
Haan!
Imagine Brahmin family
getting married to Malayali?
We're orthodox Brahmin,
she's orthodox non-Brahmin.
So if we got married,
what will happen?
My father will ask for a
Kaapi, she'll bring Kopi.
My mother will pray to the
cow, she'll eat the cow.
My father will wear
Veshti (Dhoti),
her mother also will
wear Veshti (Dhoti).
From back you won't
know who's who?
Gravity is doing its job,
you won't know from
front also who's who!
Mother in Law is
in the audience.
Inaikku night sethaen!
[I'm dead meat tonight]
So...what if...!
So for this I had a master plan.
At the age of 26 my
parents came and told me,
Aswin, we have to find you a
girl 4 years younger than you.
Brahmin girl, Doctor or Engineer
we'll get you married to her.
A the age of 28
they came to me,
the girl has to be 2
years younger than you.
Doctor or Engineer we'll
get you married to her.
At the age of 30 they
came and told me,
slightly dark girl also ok...
B.com graduate also ok...
We'll get you married to her.
At the age of 32 lastly
they came down, Aswin!
as long as she's a girl, we'll get
you married to her, please da!
Shamelessly I went her showed
her, and we got married.
Five years we've
been married now.
Five years so far,
today I don't know
what'll happen.
But then my parents
as South Indians,
or as Brahmins, or
whatever I don't know.
Always wanted my brother
and I to be NRI's.
From the 90's itself my father knew,
there's no "Ache Din" in India.
He always wanted
us to go abroad.
'cause he always thought India
doesn't have any future.
He was very successful
with my brother.
But after my brother
went to the US,
I realized why they
wanted us to be NRI's
Because they wanted
to go abroad.
So few years after
my brother went,
my father was like
Anand, Anand...
everyone in Mylapore have seen America
only me and your mother haven't.
send the passport
and Visa documents.
My brother sent it.
But my parents are
very notorious people.
like Mylapore people.
They'll not tell anybody
until they get the Visa.
Yena kannu pattudum!
[Evil eyes will be casted]
All the 2 Lac
people in Mylapore,
put their 4 lac eyes
only on my parents,
so they cannot go to the US.
That's their only job.
Next door neighbor, back door
neighbor, nobody they'll tell.
But for visa they'll go no?
That time in the queue...
Front door neighbor, back door
neighbor, paper guy, milk guy
everybody will be standing
in the same line.
At that time when they asked my father,
if he's here for Visa interview?
No no, I came for
Aadhar Card interview.
Somehow they got the Visa.
The moment they get the Visa.
What they''ll do?
They go to the
Samsonite showroom.
'cause they have buy three
Samsonite suitcases.
The first suitcase will
be full of Pooja stuff.
Ghee, wool, Incense Sticks!
God and Goddess photo,
grandma photo grandpa photo
ancestor photo everything
will be there.
'Cause for 6 months
there in the cold,
they'll do "Ting Ting Ting"
They can't even go
outside in America.
Second suitcase is
full of food items.
20 types of powder,
30 types of pickle.
If entire America is drinking
Sambhar today means,
it's 'cause of my mother's Sambhar
podi which imported from here.
Third box is full
of winter clothes.
Because in America you
don't get winter clothes.
Everything is exported from India
Silk house in Madras mount road.
My father is a very
meticulous man.
He weighed the
winter clothes box.
And realized it is
20 kilos overweight.
So what he did?
Took all those clothes and
put it on my mother.
So before my mother left you
know, what she was wearing?
Socks, Sneakers.
Nike just do it!
Socks, Sneakers...
underwear, inner-wear,
thermal wear.
Saree, monkey cap, muffler,
sweater and shawl!
From far away, she looks
like Kulu Manali.
Tomorrow morning 9AM flight,
today 3PM she's sitting...
When they reached US,
immigration officer there,
thought they were
Eskimos from Alaska.
Only this much you can see.
What you'll think?
But mothers are paavum.
Mother actually went to the US to
see how the children are doing.
My father's only
agenda in America,
Was to take photographs in
front of all the monuments,
and load it on to a
computer in Mylapore.
'cause he has to show proof to
Mylapore that he went to America.
For that he had two things,
one handy cam and one digicam.
Morning he takes the
Digicam and goes,
and then the Handy cam...
My father loves technology,
he doesn't know camera
has on off button.
Camera will go here,
out of habit camera
will go here.
For six months.
At the end of the 6th month, my
father went and told my brother.
Anand please burn all these in
to DVD's and give it to me.
'Cause as soon as they landed in
Madras, the first thing they did
was give me all those DVD's.
Because it was my responsibility.
To make sure all the DVD's
are inside the DVD player.
As much as anybody came
home for the next one year.
Evanachu veetuku vanthaana sethaan.
[If someone comes home they're dead]
Has to watch this 2 hour video.
The other water guy came to
deliver bubble top water,
Appaney Muruga!
[Save me Lord Muruga]
He can just give him 50
bucks and let him go.
Hey kiddo sit down,
have you seen America?
How you would've see America?
Ukaandhu Paaru
[Sit down and watch]
And what you'll see,
America Kaaka
[Ameircan Crow]
Kaaka Pi
[Crow Shit]
There also crow shit is white...!
So all the way round, why
you're taking all that?
Kaaka, Kaaka pi
[Crow, Crow Shit]
Kuruvi, Kuruvi Pi
[Sparrow, Sparrow Shit]
Paeren, Paeren oda Pi
[Grandson, Grandson's shit]
For 8 minutes,
Rest of the two hours
you see this...!
That's where the
camera was running.
I know it's my Father's zip,
he knows it's a zip.
thankfully both of
us know it's closed.
I asked did you forget to
switch off the camera?
No da, zoom and see.
Aiyooo! It's not needed!
But for many of the parents,
I don't know, at least
for my parents.
The biggest joy of
going to the US.
was only after they came back.
Because the food suitcase,
they distributed there.
Came back with something
precious to them.
Zip-lock bags and plastic covers.
Adanga Oppa!
[Damn!]
If today America is
Swach Bharat means,
that's 'cause of my parents.
The cleaned all the plastic
covers and brought it to India.
Neatly folded and kept it inside
the cupboard for safekeeping.
'Cause only one occasion
they'll use this,
Walmart, Tesco, Therko,
Merko, Usko bag and all.
They'll go for local wedding in
Ethiraj Wedding Hall in TTK Road.
For that they'll buy one gift.
Gift will be 200 rupees worth
of a Ganesha with a
clock on the ponch.
200 rupees they'll put
in a Walmart bag.
Take one Uber ad go
to the Wedding hall.
Walmart bag.
You see...you see.
Walmart bag.
Ah gift...gift!
America, America Ya Ya!. Obama Obama Ya Ya!
Trump Trump, full scene.
Only then they'll
use those bags.
But the fetish for plastic bags.
doesn't end there in my family.
If you come to my house,
everything is covered in plastic.
TV, AC, remote control, washing
machine, fridge, microwave.
My father has a 30
year old, Maruthi 800,
He will not change seats
if it gets dirty.
He'll change the plastic
cover and say see new car.
30 years before if you had covered
yourself in plastic no...!
NRI's
Indians are the only breed,
they become something
after they are NRI's.
Three things happen
to all these fellows
when they become NRI's.
First thing...
they'll go to the
US for two years.
Accent will change.
Vocabulary won't change.
Athey elavu English thaan.
[Same crap of an English]
But they'll roll their R's.
Some of you my friends went to US
and returned with British accent.
Five hours stay in
Heat throw, everything over.
Confusion.
Edayavathu accent ye puduchitu varanum veetukku.
[Somehow should get back home with an accent]
Second thing is, they'll become big
fans of Basket Ball and Base Ball.
Here street cricket also
he wouldn't have played.
There he'll go talk
lengths about baseball.
The only rules of baseball,
first base, second
base, third base.
he knows 'cause his girlfriend
thought him at the college.
That's only show and
tell, not touch and see.
No!
Preserve your virginity
for marriage.
Third thing is suddenly
they'll come back to India,
after two years in America.
Full nostalgia
would've happened.
India has changed so much da.
They have street lights,
you guys have roads,
malls, KFC, McDonalds.
Same mall and same KFC
he gave us treat,
before he went to the US.
Full fake!
But it's ok.
Us Indians going abroad,
now we have dining etiquette.
Earlier we use to eat with left
hand, right hand everything.
Nowadays we know how to eat
with a fork and a spoon.
Dignifiedly!
Which hand to hold the fork, which
hand to hold the knife we don't know.
Somehow we manage.
But I have all these friends,
who come from oriental
places of NRI's.
which is the Singapore,
Malaysia , Thailand.
That build.
They'll come back to India,
and they'll insist on going to a
Chinese restaurant for treat.
'Cause they want to show that,
they can eat with chopsticks.
the only thing Indian can
do with the chopsticks.
is this!
they'll insist on going to
the Chinese restaurant.
and they'll insist on
ordering the dumplings.
'Cause dumplings in the only thing
they can eat with chopsticks.
How!?
Take on chopsticks, pierce
into dumpling and lift it up.
Other stick is only
for moral support.
How many Brahmins in the house?
Today the two types
of Brahmins are more,
The Iyers and and Iyengars.
There are Saravana
Bhavan Brahmins,
and the Anjappar Brahmins.
7:30 in the morning you
go to Saravana Bhavan,
all these Brahmins are eating
Sambhar Vadai with ghee.
'cause ghee is the biggest lubricant,
sorry ingredient for Brahmins.
Wherever you go
they're putting ghee,
Mama homathu Le nei odungo
[Uncle put ghee into the fire]
Mama nei abhishegam pannunga
[Mama shower the ghee]
Mama Sambhar vadai Le ghee podungo
[Put ghee in Sambhar Vadai]
They'll be eating.
If you go to lunch at 12:30
no one will be there.
They all will be sitting in Anjappar
eating, chicken and mutton pieces.
There also will be two
types of Brahmins.
One fellow will be sucking the bone
marrow of mutton like Raj Kiran.
Second fellow will say,
hey machan I don't
eat non-veg and all.
Will do one thing,
will order Biriyani.
I'll eat the rice,
you eat the piece.
You order Chicken butter masala,
butter masala I'll
eat, chicken you eat.
Otherwise I'll order
egg biriyani da
This Egg Biriyani was only
invented for Brahmins.
'Cause we all think, egg
comes from egg plant.
That's all, simple logic.
But how many of you here,
love the Rasam Rice.
All these south Indians
you go to their house,
and see them eat rasam rice
from stainless steel plate.
Otha!
[!]
In the plate rice will be there.
make one hole pour the
rasam, nicely mix it.
hold the side dish
with left hand.
take the plate and go...Slurrrp!
Just in case, if a North
Indian sees this.
Arey yaar look at
this South Indians.
No culture yaar.
What's this fellow
eating like this yaar.
why are they eating
licking and all yaar.
These fellows come from Ahmedabad
and Surat with a knife and a fork.
Arey mujhe Dosa Khana hai.
[Hey, I want to eat Dosa]
Sambharr kidhar
milega, Sambharr!
Enaadhu!?
[What!]
Vada chaiye Vada
[I want Vada]
Dei Poda!
[Get lost]
And all of these
fellows will be,
Mujhe elai saapadu khana hai.
[I want to have lunch on banana leaf]
Elai Sapadu!
[Lunch on Banana Leaf]
Vaila utturuvaen.
[Whack you!]
You take them to a south
Indian wedding and make them,
to eat Rasam rice from
Banana leaf I tell you.
First of all, they'll act as if they
haven't eaten with their hands.
And they'll be like arey arey!
Balle lakka Balle Lakka!
All the rasam will go
into the arm, into armpit
then straight to the underwear.
Morning they'll come with
crisp white Kurta Pyjama.
When they go one side will be
white and one side will be brown.
So to all North Indians, I'll
teach how to eat Rasam rice,
through Rajini style.
Take the left hand, hold
it tight with banana leaf.
Take the right hand
parallel to banana leaf,
and then go one swift action!!!
Not a drop will go for waste.
This is what my father
taught me in 1981.
But after the Rasam rice, comes
the staple diet of Brahmins,
which is the...?
'Thayir Saadam"
[Curd Rice]
Curd Rice!
Ya Epic it is!
Even a high class person who
does wine and cheese at Hilton,
he'll get back home have curd
rice and then only sleep.
'Cause if he doesn't eat curd rice tonight,
tomorrow morning nothing will come out.
Lubricant.
Sabakkunu velilae vanthurum!
[Will slide out like a butter]
Like package it will come out.
Curd Rice!
North Indians man, North
Indians are cool people.
especially in Madras, 'cause
they're all big fans...
of the Sai Baba
temple in Mylapore.
Sai Baba Temple in Mylapore on
Thursdays open till Friday morning,
'cause of them only.
'Cause everyone will come at 9:30 only
after watching Saas-Bahu Serials.
Just when SAi Baba is
about to go to sleep.
Hey Bhagwan!
[Oh Lord!]
And how these aunties come,
sleeveless sarees, shiny blouse, lipstick,
handbag, they'll come with all of that.
As if they're going
to Page 3 party,
but took a left to Sai Baba temple.
And full drama when
they pray also,
They'll come take the paloo,
and put around their head.
catching the teeth.
Ring one bell.
and then they'll pray.
I don't understand Hindi.
this is how it sounds
when they pray in Hindi.
Hey Bhagwan!
[Oh Lord!]
Saroja ke Saaman nikalne Se pehle,
[Before Saroja takes out the stuff,]
Junoon Sait ke bache Ne job hi kiya.
[What Junoon Sait's son did...]
Sab apne munni ke naam badnaam hone Se...
[Before Munni's name got tarnished...]
Use maaf kar de bhagwan, use maaf karde.
[Forgive him God, please forgive him]
Oru mayirun puriyathu.
[Can't understand squat]
But South Indian aunties,
entry itself is dramatic.
Aatha!
[My Lord!]
En purushannukkum 2g scam ku onnum Sambhadam illa
[My husband has nothing to do with 2G scam]
Avara poi Tihar jail Le potutanga Aaatha!
[But he's been locked in Tihar Jail, my lord!]
Avara yun velilae eduthutaanga
[They've got him out on bail]
'Cause God is listening in Delhi.
That's why we need
Kamal Hassan here.
They have God, we have Andavan!
How is it!?
I know!
Full drama in praying
for all these aunties.
Then this south Indian
aunties have another trick
not up their sleeve, but in the blouse.
they'll go inside like this,
and put it back inside.
These aunties don't
like their husbands.
The only reason they do is,
'cause it's made of gold.
The only thing they appreciate
in life is this thaali.
'Cause it's made of Gold.
But North Indians are classy
people when it comes to,
God Darshan!
'cause they're big fans of
Tirupati Balaji's Darshan.
For them going to Tirupati
is a grand affair.
Because how,
they'll take a first class
flight from Ahmedabad,
come to Madras stay for a week.
Eat all the Mysore
pak they can find.
Take a AC cab to Tirupathi foot
hill and stay for one more week.
And then take another AC
cab and go to Tirumala.
where they'll book a big cottage,
'cause how many people have to go?
Grandpa-Grandma, Uncle-Aunty,
Humpty-Dumpty, Sweety-Lovely.
One big mega serial
that family will be.
One Darshan they'll do.
In the afternoon in Tirupathi.
Comeback to Madras
stay for one week.
Buy all the silk
sarees they can find.
Take one AC ticket and
get back to Ahmedabad.
But my father, only next
September we'll have to go to
Tirupathi, but they have
already bought the tickets.
And my father will call me
and tell me the itinerary.
Hey Aswin, have
to get up at 3AM.
Take the 4AM bus,
reach Tirupathi
foothills at 7AM.
Take the 8 O clock bus,
go for 9 O clock Darshan,
Finish Darshan at 3PM,
Take the 4 O clock bus and
come back to Madras by 10PM,
eat curd rice and sleep.
You will not know, if
you even saw the God.
Only thing you'll remember is,
Jargandi!
[Move it fast]
Since the day I was born,
till the day I die.
My entire life will be
controlled by my parents.
When I was in 9th
and 10 the grade,
they made me maths, chemistry,
physics, IIT tuition.
Epic Fail!
Got into Engineering,
'cause of management quota.
Then they asked me to
take Engineering course,
after that they said
get into a job.
For that they said, TCS,
CTS, Infosys, Wipro...
...only these four companies
you'll have to apply.
Only these four are like
first class tickets.
Everything else is like
unreserved compartments.
And the moment I got IT job,
my entire family took
control over my life.
you've got a job,
you go on-site.
Go on-site, Go on-site!
Then they said, buy a car!
buy a car!
Then they said, get
married, get married!
Then they said, buy a
house, buy a house!
Then they said, have your first
child, have your first child!
Then they said, have your second
child, have your second child.
Then they said get a Green
Card, get a Green Card.
The moment I got a Green Card.
They were like we're
all old people.
Comeback to India,
Comeback to India!
My name is Aswin Rao,
ladies and gentleman.
And you've been a
wonderful audience.
Thank you so much for coming
on a Saturday Evening.
Thank you so much, it was a
pleasure performing for you.
Thank you!
Ladies and Gentlemen!
You're next performer
for the show,
is Mr.Balakumaran!
Hello!
Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
Hi!
So yeah, my name is Balakumaran.
I'm a,
full time writer at Put Chutney!
That's not the joke, ok.
I'm a writer and I
have this problem.
Eppidi sollradhu!
[How do I say that]
I'm not that very
good with words.
How many of you are from CBSE?
I don't like you guys.
How many of you are
from State Board?
I love you guys!
Ya!
Ya, I have this problem.
Enakku English avalo Va seriya varadhu.
[My English is not that Good]
In my school they had this rule.
That you should talk in English.
Unga school Le ellam irundhicha?
[Was it there in your school?]
If you don't talk in English, they'll
give you an ultimate punishment.
They'll write your
name on the board.
So next day was the sports day,
my name was on this board.
So in my defense,
name irundha vilayada vida maataanga.
[If your name is on the board, you're not allowed]
In my defense I went to
my teacher and said,
Sir, I speaked only
in English Sir.
This boy only theva illama
maatu vittufied me.
In those if don't
know the tense.
I'll be like, thinked, eated, sleeped...!
Antha maari.
[Like that]
If I don't know verbs,
I'll be like...
Ninufy, ukkandhufy,
padathufy, thoongify.
If I was James Bond,
I'll be like...
Martini kalakify don't aatify.
[Martini shaken not stirred]
So my teacher found out that,
I'm not that good with English.
So as a good teacher, he
tried to teach me English.
Kathukko pa, ippo yena English varla Na,
[Learn, so what if you can't speak]
You can see things,
talk and learn.
So it was sports day tomorrow.
anga pasanga ellam practice pannitu irunthaanga.
[Guys were practicing at the ground]
He asked me,
Let's start,
Anga yenna pannitu irukkanga sollu.
[Tell me what they're doing there]
Sir those boys are ninufying...
It's not ninufying,
it's standing, tell
me it's standing.
Ok sir!
Those standing boys
are ninufying.
Those standing boys
are ninufying.
and thookifying their kai's
[They're raising their hands]
It's not thookifying.
They're raising the hands
raising the hands, tell
me raising the hands.
They're raising the hands
and they're saying.
I solemnly swear.
Ok, they're saying solemnly swear,
but what is the word for it?
Sir, unga munnadi naan eppidi sir athu ellam sollradhu.
[How can say such things in front of you]
Sollu pa solla solla thaan kathukka mudiyum.
[Tell me, only if you say so you can learn]
what's the word for it?
Sir they're oathufying sir!
[Sir, they're screwing!]
They're not oathufying
[They're not screwing]
They're taking a Oath.
Say Oath! Say Oath!
Sollalae Na killu...
[If you don't say, I'll pinch]
I'll kill you, ok!
So yeah!
And my parents were obviously
called for a PTA meeting.
It was an intense discussion.
And my teacher came
up with a solution.
apparently if you dont know
English you're not intelligent.
That's what my
teacher told me ok.
So my teacher was in
this intense discussion.
he came up with a solution that...
...I should read Hindu paper.
In those days, it was
Ike Cow's urine...
...solution for everything.
If you don't know
English, Hindu paper.
If you don't know
English, Hindu paper.
If you don't know Maths,
then Hindu paper.
Even if you have indigestion
you have to read Hindu paper.
So in those days, my father
had readed only Tamil paper.
So I went to library for
paduchify English paper.
So I started with Hindu Editorial,
which was a big mistake.
I didn't understand anything.
So I got a dictionary with me.
First word in the
editorial was befuddled!
I didn't understand, so
I saw the dictionary.
Befuddled means confused.
I was confused
about the meaning.
and befuddled means confused.
I was getting somewhere after
reading this Hindu paper.
Ok!
And the next word
was Conundrum.
Conundrum means big problem.
Yen periya problem nu sollitu polaam me...
[You can just say it's a big problem]
So conundrum means big problem.
If you know English
it's a big problem.
If you don't know English.
It's just like an Old Drum
Trivandrum is Conundrum.
The other word was flabbergasted
flabbergasted means
surprised it seems.
You definitely can't
go to a friends
birthday party and say
Flabbergast!!!
The problem, the problem with...
Hi!
Appo appo bayampuduthiranga.
[They keep scaring on and off]
See...
the problem, the problem with.
reading all these big big words.
You will not remember
those things,
while you're having
a conversation.
You'll obviously forget.
Sir, ungalalkku therinja periya English vartha sollunga
[Sir, give me a tough word in English]
See that's the problem.
You'll not remember, when
someone asked you for it.
The thing is,
you don't express.
you'll not go to your
friends place and say,
Machan that girl dumped me,
I have a connendrum.
that's not how you'll talk.
Machan antha ponnu yenna kalitivitta da
[Machan she dumped me]
yenakku periya problem da.
[I have a big problem]
So based on the size
of the problem.
You'll stress on
the PERIYA [Big].
It's either periya problem
or Periyaaa problem.
That's how you express yourself.
If somebody asks
you for direction,
you can say straight uh poi right edu.
[Go straight and take a right]
If the direction...if
the distance is longer.
You can say straighttta
poi right edunga!
My point being...
you need not know big big
words to become a writer.
If my character ,
somebody is surprised.
They can go Yenna? [What's it?]
If the character
is flabbergasted,
they can go Yennnna!
This,
there's another way of,
creating an impact.
this you expand words
to create impact.
The other way is,
You repeat words
to create impact.
Standing Sollu, Standing Sollu.
[Say standing, Say Standing]
Oathu Sollu, Oathu Sollu!
[Say screw, Say Screw]
So in this, in this...
to create impact,
instead of going
Nayae!
[DOG!]
You can go Nayae! Nayae! Nayae!
Instead of,
to create an impact,
instead of just saying sorry.
You can go sorry, sorry, sorry!
In your house, if you
want to create impact,
instead of saying
Talaaq you can say...!
And this is,
this is called rule of three.
Rule of three is,
rule of three is
normally used in,
wide variety of things.
In cinema they use it,
to name movies.
Like Good, Bad and Ugly!
Sathyam, Shivam, Sundaram.
Papa pota Thappa!
They also named,
Anbanavan, Adangathavan
[Loveable, Untameable]
shooting ke varadhavan.
[Never came to the shoot]
And uh...
this Ad industry is very much
obsessed with naming things uh...
writing tag lines in three.
Do you guys realize...
Niram, Suvai, Thidam
[Color, Taste, Solid]
Taller Stronger Sharper!
Haath, mooh aur bum
[Hands, face and bum]
Even Britannia went
Ting Ting Tading!
It's Tin Tin Ading it seems.
I'm a writer and,
people who write these Ads
are called copywriters.
Any copywriters in the house?
That one person.
Irunga ungallaku irukku.
[Just wait and watch]
So,
I was wondering why these people
are called as copywriters.
Then I saw these Ads ok,
whatever they write.
They'll be like uh...
If you use,
if you brush your teeth
you'll get a girl.
If you shave you'll
get two girls.
If you put perfume, you'll have
hundred of girls running behind you.
So basically they
take the same Ad,
and write it again
and again and again.
so they're called
as copywriters.
And these copywriters you know,
to sell product to a guy.
they say if you use this
product you can get a girl.
You can't say the same thing to,
to sell a product to a girl.
We can't say,
if you use this product
you'll get a guy.
apidinu sonna, kaari thuppuvaanga moonji Le.
[If you do, you'll be spat on face]
So for girls they use
a separate logic,
If you use this product,
you'll get confidence.
Hair oil confidence,
Shampoo-confidence.
Sanitary pads-confidence.
Sanitary pads with wings,
for overflowing confidence.
Based on, based on...
whatever they're showing
in Ads these days...
seems like everybody is
trying hard to empower women.
Just during their periods only,
they'll be thinking of
achieving something.
They'll think of...
just...just during
the periods only...
they'll be thinking
of playing tennis.
Going horse back riding,
becoming a pilot.
Rest all other days, they'll be
worrying about their pimple it seems.
This is for the copywriter,
And uh...
The language which
is used in these Ads
are very outrageous ok...
as a writer I feel.
Ennada pannringa apidinu irukkum intha ads Le ellam.
[Wondering what you're doing in these Ads]
In some of these Ads,
they'll talk like this ok.
Mrs.Kumar, unga keshav romba poshaka irukku
[Mrs.Kumar your hair looks fabulous]
Basically they'll
make an Ad in Hindi.
Then they'll realize...
Oh antha state ku Hindi theriyadhu illa
[That State doesn't know Hindi]
So we'll dub it in Tamil.
What they actually
don't realize is,
we really know Tamil
and that's not Tamil.
Keshav Poshak ah irukka?
[Hair looks fabulous?]
Who's writing these Ads?
Shashi Taroor uh!?
Your hair is befuddled...
...use this hair oil and
it'll become flobbergawsome.
And there are these
other types of Ads.
These are Govt Ads.
Govt. PSA's which are suppose
to reach people in villages.
In these Ads, they'll
be talking like...
Ram annae, sollunga Somu annae...
[Brother Ram, tell me brother Somu]
Namma Bunty ippo pallikoodam porana
[Our Bunty is going to the School now]
Yeah, that's what we name
our kids in village.
Bunty!
And at the end of the Ad,
they'll be putting like uh...
Kolaindaingalaam pallikoodam ponu Na
[If the kids have to go to school]
Pradhan Mantri Mukhiya Yojana it seems
[Prime Minister's Exclusive Scheme it seems]
Enaglakku Sharukh Khan eh olunga solla varathu da
[We can't pronounce Sharukh Khan]
Naanga general uh Saarukh Khaan apidi thaan solli
irukkum [We generally call him Saarukh Khaan]
And you're "Pradhaan
Mantri Mukhiya Yojana"
Neenga evalo mukkinaalum inga varathu.
[No use in trying]
And these supermarkets,
if you go inside
these supermarkets.
Half of the supermarket
is saffron.
'Cause every product is made
from Vedic Extracts it seems.
These Shampoo's, Soap...
fairness cream.
Tooth paste.
Derived from 6000 years
of Sanskrit literature.
Imagine these
products are made by,
US based or Europe based MNC's.
Imagine them opening a office
at the foot hills of Himalayas.
Hiring Saadhu's with MBA,
and good communication
knowledge in Sanskrit.
And they'll have a team meeting.
Ellarum Vaanga!
[Come on everyone]
As you all know...
there's I in Sanskrit.
But there's no I in the team.
You guys should know
you're Saadhus.
there's no concept of I with you.
Ellarum inga Vaanga!
[Come on everyone]
Thambi inga vaa pa!
[Son come here!]
This is our prototype Bunty,
Our Bunty needs a
fairness cream.
So you guys will read the 6000
years of Sanskrit literature,
so that our Bunty will get
two extra likes on FB.
Sir Thalakeela nikkatheenga...!
[Sir, don't stand upside down]
Office Le Thalakeela nikkatheenga nu ethana thaduva solraen
[I've said not to stand upside down in office]
Nera nillunga!
[Stand up straight]
And they'll be
seriously working...
Saadhus will Rudhraksha
Maalai and ID cards.
They'll be seriously working.
conversation in their
office will be like...
Rama-ha!
Soma-ha!
Bunty gurukul gachi shami!
[Bunty is going to the school]
Kim Karothi!
[What are you doing?]
Fairness cream formula gathishami.
[Working on fairness cream formula]
Appraisal Agatha ha!
[No appraisal is happening]
Company extreme loss aha!
Hike aha! Promotion aha!
[Hike and Promotion!?]
Swaha!
[Down the drain]
This is your first Sanskrit
Stand-up comedy guys.
So this is...
people trying to sell
thing using our culture.
there was a time, where uh...
there were campaigns run like.
Do you guys remember the,
2008 The Aircel Save
the Tiger Campaign.
There are only 1411 Tigers left.
We should save the Tiger.
Do you guys remember that?
I think they should not have...
put a campaign like
Save the Tiger!
they should put Save the
Aircel customer campaign.
Because, there are less than...
1411 Aircel customers left.
In Tamilnadu now.
And uh...
...there was this campaign ok..
2015 they came back and...
and they said that we
have saved the Tigers.
I didn't save the Tigers,
I'm sure even you all
didn't save the Tigers.
But somehow they
saved the Tigers.
It got me thinking.
How exactly they
saved the Tiger?
So I Imagined.
Tiger will be sitting
in the forest.
Shaping its nails.
Doing Manicure.
Aunty and Uncle will come...
Dear you've passed the
marriageable age,
we have an conundrum here.
Big problem ok
We have a big
problem, Tiger dear!
Don't!
if you're not thinking
about yourself,
at least think about
your parents.
At least think about
those Aircel guys.
At least for their sake,
you should get married.
So they will...
Brainwash this tiger...
and it will make them.
make her open Bharat
Martimonial account.
BharatMatrimony.com/Tigers
Traditionally brought
up, fun loving Tiger.
Looking for a match.
Non smoker, Non Drinker!
and Non-Vegetarian required.
So as soon as this
Tiger open a profile.
People will send her requests.
Yenna Kalyanam Panniko
[Get married to me]
So this Tiger got request from,
Kangaroos from Australia.
Grizzly bears from Canada.
This girl was like,
they're not my type.
I can't marry them,
they're not my type.
So aunty and uncle
will come again.
Dear You're just befuddled.
there's nothing such as a TYPE!
Look at me and your uncle.
I'm an elephant and
your uncle is a sloth.
Uncle will be reading Hindu
paper and saying...!
there's nothing such as a TYPE!
Pick a guy as soon as
possible and get married.
So they'll force this
tiger to marry a,
bald eagle from America.
And two days after marriage.
Aunty and uncle will come again.
Dear, did everything go well.
Your face looks smeared
with flabbergawsome.
So when are you going to
tell us the good news?
So Tiger will be like...
...aunty we just got married.
Give us sometime to settle down.
We're not thinking
about children yet.
Aunty will be flabbergasted.
What!!?
So aunty and uncle...
will make it their job.
Wherever this Tiger goes,
they'll go behind.
When are you going to
give us the good news?
Your biological
clock is ticking.
plan for a child soon.
We want to play with
our grand kids.
They'll force her...
..they'll make this
Tiger lay 400 eggs.
That's how they saved the Tiger.
And uh...
How many of you guys
are into fitness?
Clap your hands.
Awesome.
How many of you guys
are not into fitness?
See these guys are
happy at least.
Do you guys remember uh...
like 10 or 15 years ago.
There was nothing
called as Marathon.
We didn't know what was
Marathon, 15 years back.
Nowadays every nook and corner
they're running Marathon.
At least two three years back,
It was like TCS marathon,
Wipro Marathon.
But now Nugambakkam Marathon,
Venus Colony Marathon,
Aims colony first street
Marathon is going on.
If you guys know.
around 2500 years ago,
There was no whats-app
and Face book.
In those days,
Marathon were actually
invented those days.
When there were no
Facebook and Whats-app.
People actually ran
42 Kms to deliver a message.
Imagine now, even now...
people deliver
message like that.
Imagine your messages are being
delivered by Marathon runner.
How will it be?
Early in the morning,
a guy will be running and coming
"Good Morning!"
When you're in office,
guys will be running and coming.
did you link your phone
number with Aadhar Card?
Late in the evening is where,
people send lot of messages.
Lots of people will Sext!
Ok!
Messages will be coming like.
Show Baabs!
Show Vagana!
This is my dick pic.
after it loads, this
is my dick pic.
And this is time where,
people actually
send love messages.
people send love messages
to girl they love.
and it'll be like, a
guy will go running.
You're so beautiful...
I can read the words
of Shakespeare.
And also Vairamuthu
in your eyes.
I think I can't
live without you.
For god sake,
please reply to me.
So this girl will reply...
Hmmm....K!
So that's all from me
ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a
wonderful-wonderful audience.
Ladies and Gentlemen!
Your final performer
of the show...
...Rajiv Rajaram!
Good evening, good
evening guys!!
Good evening.
Good evening.
good evening guys!!
My name is Rajiv Rajaram
and I know you are judging me.
Yea its a handbag,
but you are not being judgmental
when you watch your
favourite Hollywood stars
sporting a handbag.
Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling
carrying a handbag means its so cool.
Coz in the west, theres a lot of definition
for people who carry the handbag,
and one of the most popular ones
is hes a metro sexual man
carrying a man purse.
But in India if the man
carries a handbag,
especially a respectable,
and a handsome like me
carries a handbag means
one simple thing,
that he's simply married.
Thats my wifes handbag,
I carry it all the way,
everywhere.
and whenever I tell this
to my bachelor friends
theyll be like aey Macha, don't
lie Macha, I dont believe you!
If you dont believe me,
walk into any of the saree
shops across the city.
Go to T-Nagar Na,
what is the first thing
that youll notice?
Youll find thousands of
ladies on the foreground,
breaking their heads.
trying to find one
matching saree
for one matching free blouse bit
that they got out of one function.
Damn it doesn't match.
And what do you find
in the background?
Their husbands standing
with one child on one hand,
wearing one backpack.
What does the backpack have?
Sleeping bags, glucose bottle
food supplies,
baby food, diapers
carrying the second
child on the shoulder
and then, wearing a handbag.
And theyll be involved in a very
important conversation with a man,
who fits the same description.
Sir, myself Ranganathan
waiting here for 3 hours.
What about you?
5 hours Sir.
Super!
Look at that young boy Na.
He's already tired and
its just 30 minutes.
Newly married I guess.
See one of the things as,
being a married man,
is I have this uh
really good super power
of identifying who
is a married man
and who is a bachelor,
say in a disco.
I know.
I know by the body
language of a guy
whether he is a bachelor
or a married man.
Because its very simple.
When the music will be loudly on
in a disco.
the bachelor boy will
be dancing like...
Shots!! Shots!! Shots!!
Shots!! Shots!!
Boss 3 shooters and
2 shots of tequila,
we gonna party tonight.
Shots!! Shots!! Shots!! Shots!! Shots!!
Married man.
Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea!
Curd will be fine, don't worry.
Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea!
I'll get milk, when I get back.
And married man have this,
something call as body clock.
It is called the curfew time.
Once the married man
crosses the curfew time.
his hands his body his entire
body will start shivering.
Machan it's time Machan....
let me go Macha,
please I have to go home da.
Please let me go home da.
And that is when all the bachelor
boys start taking offense right.
Theyll be like hey Macha,
what happened to you da?
You got married
everything changed ah?
What happened to you da?
What happened to you da?
You used to a stud,
you used to be rock-star
back in the day.
Even though I wasnt one.
Buddy what happened to you da?
Just because you got married
everything changed ah?
What happened to you da?
What happened to your balls da?
Your wife cut off your balls ah?
What happened to your balls da?
What happened to your balls da?
Where did your balls go da?
Where did your balls go da?
Where did your balls go?
They are in this handbag Macha.
Haven't you heard of
attachable detachment.
Yea.
So I am married.
I just.. last week only I
completed 8 years of marriage.
Thank you for your sympathy.
But where do you change right?
The question is where
do you change?
Do you change immediately
after your wedding?
Or marriage grows
over the years?
And for me I would say,
there are 2 instances in my life
which taught me what marriage
was really all about.
2 incidents!
Number one. First Night.
Weve learnt everything about
first night only from cinema.
What youve noticed in cinema?
The groom will be
lying on the bed,
Silk Dhoti and Silk Shirt.
On the right side of the bed
is entire fruit section
in a supermarket.
You have bananas,
you have mangoes,
you have jack fruit,
you have pineapple
you got apple, everything.
But the boy will not
pick up anything.
Except the cherry!
And eat it.
Because symbolic
presentation ah.
And on the right side, entire
adyar ananda bhavan will be there,
but he will not touch anything.
And the girl will be escorted
by four Bharatiraja angels.
And theyll be saying
muttering something like,
And just before
they are about to push the girl
theyll pause for a second,
theyll look at the guy...!
Then hell get the
catch hold of the girls hand.
Bring her closer,
start moving closer
closer closer.
Girl comes closer
boy comes closer
girl comes closer
boy comes closer
and the groom will put his
hand around the bride.
Girl will be like Ahhh.
Theyll come close theyll
come close theyll come close,
theyll come immediately
cut to Ooty,
"Get that moon for me,
and tie it to the bed"
What happens in reality,
the boy is inside...the room.
escorted by 4 uncles.
Uncle only cracking all x jokes.
X Na not x rated jokes.
All exes jokes.
Theyll be talking about
no one is here like
Lalitha Padmani.
Vayijanthimala was the
bombshell youll find out.
No one can beat Jothi
Lakshmi's waist.
Theyll repeat the same jokes.
Because after this first night they
have to go to another first night.
Because they are stand up comedy
only, limited material only.
If I can do it here,
can do it there too.
And then the girl will be
escorted by 4 aunties.
The 4 aunties will be
saying all random things
and theyll be screwing
with the girls head.
And then,
theyll come to the room.
All the 3 other aunties will go.
Theres one aunty
wholl give the look to the boy
and to the girl.
Ok!
10.30 to 10.45 good time ok!
They said this to me.
Im like...
aunty Ill take longer
than 15 minutes ok.
Yea.
And the second most important thing
that changed how I viewed marriage was
Honeymoon!
Because what happens,
what is the first
thing that they,
when you tell the world that
you are getting married
what is it be like?
Oh when you getting married?
Super.
Where are you headed
for Honeymoon!!!
As if that person too
wants to join you.
Arey, haa ok. By the way,
how many married people over here?
Give me a shout out.
I saw one man is like,
Shall I shout? Can I shout?
If you are not saying I am...
What are the other locations that youll
suggest for a honeymoon to your friends?
Give me a shout out.
Bali...Bali!
Super. Bali. Nice. Very Exotic.
Bangkok!
Aey Bangkok before wedding
ya not after wedding.
You know where I
went for honeymoon?
Haridawar and Hrishikesh.
We decided to go to
Haridawar and Hrishikesh
because we wanted to try out
lot of adventure sports.
I mean actual
adventure sports sir.
Like white water rafting,
mount climbing, trekking,
that kind of stuff.
Im like how many people over
here have tried adventure sports?
Like white water rafting? Has
anybody been on rafting here?
Yea
You know for the fact that you are not doing
anything while you are rafting right?
You are just sitting over there.
You are nothing but a passenger.
Theyll ask you to do it right.
Theyll ask you to.. theyll
give you like the raft,
Push, Push, Push, Push!
Wife is like I can
just feel the air...
I feel like its an
exercise of utility
But yea we did all the
adventure sports and
I was super excited.
Because uh it was the first
night of the honeymoon.
And I wanted to be
being a Tamil man,
I wanted to impress my wife.
I wanted to,
follow again the
typical cinema troll.
I wanted to buy her
jasmine flower and halwa,
you know.
But you have to understand,
I am a Tamilian
in Haridwar and Hrishikesh,
what is the first thing Ill do?
Before I go outside
I will memorize whatever I
have to ask over there.
Bhaiyya get me one Halwa.
Bhaiyya get me one kilo Halwa.
1 Kilo!
I have to memorize because
I dont know Hindi.
I went and bought the Halwa.
and there was this
flower guy also.
In full supreme confidence
I went over him,
bhaiiya ek pool de do.
[Brother get me a ]
Like this two guys.
Nobody was laughing only 2 guys.
Tamil ah?
I have always felt this man.
You can identify
who is a Tamilian.
Because this...
you know when I
went to Singapore
there was this huge scream .
There was this one guy who
was screaming from one end.
He was like thevadiya payala!
[Bastard]
And 10 heads turned around...
Kuptingla?
[Did you call?]
And two guys like,
machan namma oru kaaraen evano irukkan machan
[Someone sounds like he's from our hometown]
So got my jasmine
and halwa wanted,
and I was like super excited.
I went to my room.
and I got into a
fight with my wife.
You guys are enjoying.
So I got into a
fight with my wife
she said something
out of context,
I said something out of context.
The whole fight went
completely out of context.
And then she used
a very nice term,
the wife uses on her husband,
listen I need some space.
Ok 2 bedroom.
Take. Take all the place,
I'll be inside the restroom.
Idiot.
And then my wife just opened her
handbag, pulled out a book.
Love in the time of Cholera.
By Gabriel Garca Mrquez.
And Im like
you bought a book
to our honeymoon.
What if I get bored!
Oh you are also reading a
book, Ill also read a book.
I also had a book.
Started reading a book,
5 minutes.
10 minutes.
15 minutes.
Listen I cant do this.
Im sorry!
Really!?
Yes. I want to apologise.
But for what?
I want to apologise to you.
I wanna apologise for my mistake,
your mistake, everybodys mistake.
But why?
I just cant read Chetan
Bhagats 2 states ya.
And thats the story of
our marriage changed me.
I am from Madurai.
Yea thank you neighbor.
And thats my Madurai Neighbor.
I know what you
guys are thinking
So you're from Madurai,
what's the big deal?
But that is the
story of my life.
Ive always tried to shed off
this Madurai tag, that Ive had.
And whenever I try
to shed it off
Ive failed miserably.
See, I am in the media industry,
and we always get this chance
to go to lot of parties.
And whenever I tell people
that I am from Madurai,
I get these 3
standard reactions.
Like I meet a person, hes like
Hi!
Hi! Whats your name?
Rajiv!
Oh Rajiv! Where are you from?
Madurai. OH!
I dont even know why
that OH was for?
He couldve done it
at the start right?
Whats your name?
Rajiv. Oh!
So Rajiv, where are you from?
Madurai. What a surprise!
What is so surprising about
a person from Madurai?
And third...my
ultimate favorite.
So Rajiv, where are you from?
Madurai!
Aey come on dont lie ok?
Why would lie about the fact
that I am from Madurai?
Seriously, what is a lie?
Lie is something that is said to
create a false impression, right?
So If I really wanted to create
a false impression Ill be like
Hi, I am Rajiv from Barcelona.
Bueno Senoira.
Oh Hi I am Rajiv
and Im from Sicily.
No Godfather fans ok.
But what you want me to
introduce myself as?
Hi I am Rajiv, I
am from Madurai.
This is my driving license, my EB card,
my PAN card, my milk card my sim card
ah all connected to my
Aadhar card, take it.
See, I know so many
things about Madurai.
Madurai is known as temple city.
Its known for its temples.
Other than that,
Madurai is known for
Jil Jil Jigarthanda.
What you dont know ah?
Aey, Its world
famous in Madurai ok?
Other than that
Madurai is known for
so many sarees, fights,
Other than that
Madurai is known for
so many sarees, fights,
parotta fights,
malli poo which is
jasmine fights,
silambattum which
is stick fights,
sevalsandai which is cock
fights sorry rooster fights,
jallikattu,
fights, Thirupandram yes...
yea fights.
Madurai is known for fights.
There is common
misconception ok?
They think people in Madurai
love to fight.
No no no.
People in Madurai love to
watch other people fighting.
What do we do? Whenever
there is a fight happening,
well drop whatever is in hand
You know...
well drop whatever
we are doing,
well go...
take a front step,
stand over there.
Its like how we are
watching Wimbledon.
Then well decide which
side we have to pick up.
Then well start
supporting this guy,
come on you can do it,
come on you can do it.
You can do it brother!
And then hell start
calling out the other guy,
Who do you think you're, get
lost damn it, get lost!
And well pass, well be passing
opinions about the guy.
Without any bases
on the reality.
Basically I am saying like,
people in Madurai like
people on twitter only.
See other than that
Madurai is known for its food.
Food is Madurais strong point.
Hygiene isn't!
Ill tell you what
when I was in school,
we decided to go to this
roadside stall near my house
roadside joint which was
famous for its mutta parotta.
Egg parotta.
And it was famous because of the
way there is master over there,
there was master over there who used
to make so much of musical prowess
Master you know, wearing
dhoti and banian...
hell make it with so much of beautiful
musical prowess, hell be like
He was tickling like Sivamani.
With lot of hair on
the head of course.
Hell be making so much
of musical prowess like
he'll be like.
well be watching over there
the other side,
well be like
mutta parotta!
[Egg Parotta]
mutta parotta!
[Egg Parotta]
He increases the tempo...
Well be like oh my god the mutta parotta is coming, the
mutta parotta is coming the mutta parotta is coming.
Just before he is about
to complete his work,
hell ensure that his work is
reflected on it quite literally.
And well be like Anna parcel.
I, I actually have to leave Madurai after
this because of my college education.
When I told I was
moving to another city.
Once when I told my friends, that
I'm moving to this other city.
My friends were
like super excited.
Machan nee evalo puniyam panni irruka
[You've done a great deal of good deeds]
You know you're so blessed.
You're going to
this amazing city.
'Cause I was going actually
to this awesome city.
It was coolest place ever, it
was the crux of all action.
I was super excited.
I decided to shred off this Madurai
tag, when I got to the city.
'Cause I'm going to
this awesome place.
It's like only dudes
are there in the city.
And with all hopes I packed my
bags and landed in Coimbatore.
And Coimbatore was a
cultural shock for me.
As soon as I land from
the Railway Station.
I saw so many beautiful women,
walking around in Jeans.
In Madurai if a girl wore Jean,
you know what they'll call her.
Angel!
And if you want to checkout other
beautiful angels in Madurai,
we always go to Madurai
Meenakshi Temple.
You know they have this
foreign tourists over there.
They come from Bangalore,
Bombay, Hyderabad.
And...
Coimbatore also
introduced me to...
one of the best set of people,
I've ever met in my life.
Malayalis!
Yeah!
You know there's a saying that
Malayalis are God's
gift to mankind.
No...no!
Malayalis are mankind's
gift to God.
Malayalis are awesome
man, I love Malayalis.
I mean like, those
guys are amazing.
an especially Malayali women.
I love Malayali women.
So beautiful, so
graceful, so elegant.
And I love their names.
I mean like, the girls who I
met in Coimbatore, brilliant.
I love their names.
Their names are like Jency,
Bixcy, Dixcy...
Jettyjin Joykutty...
Baby...Papa!
I had a doubt, if they're
from Kerala or Tirupur.
Because full Banian
company names.
But I tell you what, there's one
thing about Malayalis...
I can actually
prove it to you...
For example;
Malayalis are the set of most
subtle people you'll ever find.
Subtility is in their blood.
they're so subtle...
For example let's say...
How many Tamilians in the
house, give me a cheer!
How many Malayalis in the
house, give me a cheer!
Subtle!
Subtility is so engrained.
take the case of
their movies right.
If it's a Tamil movie,
like a Hari film.
And there's a
sequence in the film
Where the villain, who's
living in T nagar.
Has to go and confront the Hero.
Who's again living in T nagar.
What will he do?
He'll walk out of his
house angrily...
...then he'll get
on his Tata Sumo.
And 50 of his henchmen will
get on 50 other Tata Sumos.
then four guys will
stand on the Tata Sumo!
with swinging logs
in their hands.
Then what will happen? The
driver will take the car.
From T nagar he'll
go to Nadanam,
Nandam to Saidapet.
Left from Saidapet
to Kotturpuram.
Right from Kotturpuram to OMR.
Left from OMR to Shollingnallur.
Left from Shollingnallur to ECR.
From ECR all the way
to Thiruvanmiyur.
And headed straight
from Thriuvanmiyur.
He'll be stuck in the
traffic on Adyar...
..bridge...#ChennaiTraffic.
From there he'll get
on to RA Puram.
From RA Puram to Alwarpet...
...from Alwarpet he'll
get on to T nagar.
And then he goes to hero's house
and takes this huge walk.
Dei!
Telugu film same thing,
the villain will go...
Orey!
Kannada film, Heli!
Hindi...Hindi films remake
of all this films only Na
Malayalm film...
Villain will also do the
same set of things!
And they'll do this
angry walk too.
Ey! Endhu Ayida!
Subtle ayitu paraiyanum petila
[Speak subtle]
Eda Joseph avanu Konnu
[Joseph kill him]
Have you seen how
Malaylis protest?
Have you ever been in
a Hartal in kerala?
Will be like mind blowing.
How do you protest in Tamilnadu?
Viduthalai Sei!
[Set him free]
Thalaivar eh viduthalai sei
[Set our leader free]
Thalaivar eh viduthalai sei
[Set our leader free]
It's like 12345678!
Still haven't graduated from
school of this exercise.
How do you protest in Hindi?
Ache Din!
[Good Days]
Throw that in the dust bin.
But to how they
protest in Kerala?
I was once stuck in a Hartal.
In this place called
Perunthalamana.
And there were this people.
And they were
protesting very subtly.
There was this guy who was
giving out these shout outs.
He's like...
Kula Marathula Kulley Lu!
Jilla vadhu kulelu!
Kula Marathula Kulley Lu!
Jilla vadhu kulelu!
First I never understood
what they were saying.
Only when they
increased the tempo...
you'll realize how cheeky
these fellows are.
Increase the tempo,
what do you get?
Ulla lalala Ulla lo...!
Ulla lalala Le lo!
Ulla lalala Cheta,
Ulla lalala chechi!
Ulla lalala Shakeela!
Man Malayalis, awesome people.
But then I had to leave
my Coimbatore also.
And uh...
college was ok.
But I got dumped
like 5 or 6 times.
Just because when I
said I am from Madurai,
by the same girl!
But then, this time
I was, you know
I had to leave Coimbatore
and I have to go to
another city for job.
So I was,
this time I was totally
into this thing you know.
you know whatever it is
I am going to shed off
this Madurai tag,
and for my job I
landed up in Chennai.
Normally, there is a
Tamil cinema shot like,
theyll do one pan shot...
Madras Central station
they'll show for Chennai.
Since Im from Madurai, I had to
land in Madras Egmore Station.
Disparity in that itself.
And I was like whatever
it is Im the dude,
whatever it is Im the dude,
whatever
it is Im the dude,
whatever
it is Im the dude,
And what is the first thing I
notice when I land in Madras,
there are 2 auto guys fighting.
Madurai switch on.
Theres auto guy right next
to me, I went up to him
I did the cool walk you
know, the slow motion walk.
Bro!
What fight?
Madurai ah?
What did I ask!?
What did I ask you?
Hey aren't you from Madurai?
Only then I realized.
people in Chennai
cannot be intimidated.
Nothing scares the
people of Chennai.
Nothing can scare us.
Seriously!
You know couple of years ago there
was this massive tsunami alert,
on bay of Bengal
and Indian ocean.
And all the south East Asian countries,
you know, people are in panic,
people in Malaysia, Indonesia,
Philippines, they were all running on the
roads like how they watch Godzilla films.
Like oh my god, tsunami
is coming, aiyiyoo.
Same thing!
cut panna, same thing
you come to Chennai, people
also running in OMR.
Not only scared an all,
all happy!
Aiyoo Macha inikki holiday
Macha, jolly Macha, lets go.
And there was this one gang,
you know bunch of people
who decide to say that,
Macha tsunami is coming,
lets go and take a picture.
Lets take a tsunami selfie.
And what happened was,
lot of people,
started going to beach saying,
because they wanted
to watch tsunami.
It's been 10 years since
we saw it the last time.
You know, logic is correct.
In principle we cant
agree with that.
Its' been 10 years, come
on we've to ask how it is?
And then lot of people started
coming out of the beach,
they came closer to the beach.
And the government decided that
we have to save the people.
We need to offer
people protection.
We need to offer some
kind of protection right,
thats when the
government was awesome.
They sent the Tamil Nadu police.
Tamil Nadu Police to the beach.
To give us protection.
From Tsunami!
This is the line where
people are there,
Tamil Nadu Police will be here,
that is where tsunami is.
And Tamil Nadu Police will give
us protection from Tsunami.
Right!
And I know how.
Because the Tsunami will
be just like coming,
Our constable will be like,
Hey stop right there!
You're drunk, "Drunk n
Driving", you're under arrest!
We keep hearing on news right
there are road race problems
across the country.
There are traffic problems, people
fight and people get killed.
How many times have you heard about
road race stories in Chennai?
Im like there is
a road race thing
Delhi is known as the road
race capital of India.
And how does the
road race happen?
There is guy sitting on a
car, one car comes and rams,
therell be a guy who get
out of the car full hanged.
Delhi rule, same thing
Guy will get out the car,
Hey bastard!
Do you know who my father is?
Oh he's dead uh!?
Hell leave.
Same thing in Bombay.
Car will come....
Aey bastard!
oh my god Im late for a train in Bandra.
I have to leave right now.
Chennai. Imagine T-nagar. One
uncle is driving the car.
One guy comes and rams the car.
This uncle...
His every nerve in the body
is full with anger,
His face will turn so red,
just get out of the car with
full anger will be like,
Aren't you educated, how
can you drive like this?
And hell take a closer
look at the boy.
You're Parimala's son right!?
How can you ride like this
being Parimala's son?
His wife will also be there,
no no please Parimala's
son please, leave it.
let him go let him go.
These sort of uncouth fellows
should be brought to the book.
And he'll use his greatest
Brahmastra over there.
I will write to the
Hindu about it.
You know when I came to Chennai,
I got my job!
and first month
salary also came in.
And my friends said Macha we
need treat, we need treat!
So like super excited.
So I wanted to
give them a treat.
And I wanted to explore the
night life of Chennai.
It existed back in the day,
and like any small town boys
we were super excited
to go to a disco.
And fully we went to uh...
you know near by
Rahim Bhai store
bought latest pant, shirt
everything, fully, cleanly
had a shave...
even the armpits were done.
And we walked over to the
place, theres a disco
and we did our slow motion walks
like, hey whats up,
hey cool man, hey.
And there was this
bouncer waiting outside.
Youve seen this bouncers right?
Hes a mix of Yamadharmaraja,
Bheeman!
Duryodhana hell be like...
He was like this.
And I was like we went
out to those guys saying
Bro Entry!
No Entry for Stags Sir.
I told my friend,
Macha check if the
coast is clear.
No one's here, you
can go for it.
Sure?
Ya da.
No entry ah?
Brother please...please...
Just one drink, just one drink.
I'll be in one corner drinking
all by myself. Please brother!
Thats when I noted
I realized one
personal thing for me,
like you can take
me out of Madurai
but you cant take the
Madurai out of me.
You know.
See I still have to go
to all these parties,
and whenever I go
to the parties,
right now the question is
like people come and ask me
So Rajiv you are from Madurai,
but you are based
out of Chennai.
Where do you live?
My answer is very simple.
I live in denial Macha.
But I go to these
parties you know,
I still go to these parties,
and people ask me
Rajiv, where are you from Madurai?
OH! What a Surprise!
Dont Lie! All these
things happen.
Except for once,
I was in a party and I
happen to meet this girl,
and five minutes,
very interesting conversation
but five minutes into the conversation
she dropped the most important question.
She is like,
So Rajiv where are you from?
That's it I'm done.
Madurai!
Oh Madurai ah?
I love Jil Jil Jigarthanda.
I have been there only twice but I
wanna go one more time you know.
She owns this handbag.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much.
Youve been a
wonderful audience.
Thats it from me. My
name is Rajiv Rajaram.