The Rack Pack (2016) Movie Script

MUSIC: Black Dog by Led Zeppelin
You call it the luck of the Irish.
I'm exactly what the game needs.
I'm an entertainer.
I'm always conscious of the man
in the street who pays a fiver,
and that man wants to see fast play.
If I can help someone escape that dreary,
working-class environment, then
that's not a bad thing, is it?
You just get my name right in the
papers, it's Alexander the Great.
I thought we agreed on Hurricane.
Hurricane Higgins.
Just there, on the left.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the Pot Black studio,
the 1972 world snooker champion,
Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
Excuse me, Mr Higgins. Mr Higgins!
It's just we do have a dress code.
I know you do, Ted, and
I'd love to wear that,
but I can't do the tie on
account of my neck disease.
You do know I have a
neck disease, don't you?
It's the same one that afflicts the
violinists. I have a doctor's note.
Come on in, you can read it for yourself.
Mr Higgins, I must ask you
not to urinate in the sink.
Forgive me, Ted. I'd introduce
you, but I don't know their names.
Two girls, straight off the streets
of Birmingham. He's banned.
MUSIC: Liquidator by Harry J Allstars
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if you
might provide me with some
information about the tables and the
facilities in this establishment.
You know, what the, er,
pockets are like and the, er,
and the... the slate.
Do you need me to call your mum?
And what about the mat?
MUSIC: Jeepster by T. Rex
How are you?
- Hi, Alex.
- Hi, how are you? You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Hi, Alex.
Alex Higgins.
Hurricane Higgins?
The snooker player?
What's snooker?
Excuse me.
Please, what's your name?
- What are you doing?
- I don't know, he's been at it about an hour.
- Is this the lad?
- Yeah.
God, he's pale, isn't he?
I bet he gets sunburnt
when he opens the fridge.
He's thin and all.
I've seen more meat on
Linda McCartney's fork.
He doesn't say much, does he?
He's like Marcel Marceau in a library.
Parlez-vous the English, senorita?
Sorry, Mr Hearn. I did find
your jokes very funny,
but I like to concentrate
when I'm practising.
- Do you want a drink, Davis? It is Steve Davis, isn't it?
- Yes.
Yes, it is, Mr Hearn. That's very kind.
Milk, please.
- Cold milk is fine.
- What, you don't drink?
I like an eggnog.
You know, at Christmas and...
No, actually, I don't like it.
What do you do, then? Apart from snooker?
Smoke? Gamble? Drugs? Girls?
Boys? Inflatable dolls?
- I play mental chess.
- Is he any good?
I don't know, boss, I
can't play mental chess.
- No, at snooker, you wally!
- Oh, yeah.
He'll beat anyone who walks in that door.
- I tried phoning.
- I know. 20 times.
I'm not great with the phone. I
thought I'd charm you in person.
Look, I'm sorry about the other night.
I'm not really like that.
Really? That's not what I've heard.
I'm sometimes like that, but I
can tell you deserve better.
Let me take you out.
What's the worst that can happen?
Now, the trick is, keep
the bottom one still
and get the top one to
pinch the food together.
Like this.
I don't think these are proper chopsticks.
That's me. Winning my first tournament.
I know.
I haven't changed a bit.
- Sandy? That's a girl's name.
- That's what my big sisters call me.
- They look like they can keep you out of trouble.
- I wish.
- No, I'm always on the road.
- Don't tell me.
- Hurricane Higgins gets lonely.
- It's not all razzmatazz, Lynn.
I can be playing in front of 1,000 people,
all the people at home
watching on the telly.
But I'm a snooker player.
In the end, you're always on your own.
Me mates were right.
Hurricane Higgins is a right flash bastard.
But I like Alex Higgins.
Come on.
Where are we going?
MUSIC: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick
by Ian Dury and the Blockheads
Here he is - the man of the moment.
The Hurricane in Romford!
Get this man a drink.
- Thanks for coming down, Alex, I really appreciate it.
- Pint of lager.
It'll do wonders for the kid.
He's good, but he's green,
especially in front of top
players like yourself.
Baz, it'll be difficult for me
to play snooker with
your head up my jacksie.
Noted. Noted.
Here he is. Davis!
Come on, Steve!
What happened? Did a carrot fuck a snail...
up the arse?
- Yes!
- Go on!
- Yes!
- Yes!
You know, Baz, I'm sorry, but
I can't keep my eyes open.
What do you say we make this interesting?
If you say so, Alex.
Looks like I've found my
game but lost my hearing.
Sorry, Barry, that's a lot of money.
Don't you worry, you're
not going to lose. OK?
Go on, my son. Come on.
Come on!
What did I tell ya? I said
he'd do it, didn't I?
You owe me 40.
Well done. We'll have a
drink later to celebrate.
So, what do you think of the lad?
I don't. I'd have killed
him in a proper match.
Without this bunch of hooligans, I mean.
This place is a fucking disgrace.
That top cushion has got more
bounce than a pair of Page 3 tits.
Thanks for coming, Alex.
Get that man a pint!
Of milk! And make it gold top!
Taxi for the Hurricane!
I've been waiting a long time
to meet a man like you, Davis.
I bet that's something you
don't hear very often.
You see, I think snooker is
going to be big. Properly big.
Bigger even than wrestling.
I'm being serious.
And I want us to go into
partnership together.
We can be like Giant
Haystacks and Big Daddy.
Do you mean, like, what, 50/50?
Jesus, Davis! I was only going to take ten.
I think you'd better let me
do the haggling from now on.
Look, you just pot the balls, and
I'll take care of everything else.
Everything what else?
I'm going to make you - and me -
very, very rich.
How's that sound?
Jesus, Davis, it's like
strangling a lettuce.
Come here, you big nugget.
I hope that's your snooker cue.
That's it! That's what the
grannies like to see.
A nice, clean-cut,
well-dressed young man...
- bending over a table.
- Barry...
Come on, princess, give us a twirl,
show us what you got back there.
No. Something's not right.
Spiros. Can you try him in a
different pair of socks, please?
- COMMENTATOR: - 'It's about nine
o'clock, people have been queuing
'outside, and the queue was
stretching way down the street,
'and it's a very busy scene
inside the Crucible.
'And it's that, I think, because
all the nine players, who are left
'in this championship, are
all playing matches today,
'and this is very important.
'Let's take a look at the line-up
'of the championship as
it stands at the moment.'
Jesus, Bill, did you not get
those Jane Fonda videos I sent?
- Kiss my ass.
- Come on, I'll introduce you.
Kirk Stevens, lock up your daughters.
Tony Knowles, lock up your wife.
Oh, Cliff Thorburn, lock up your mam.
And Dennis Taylor, lock up your granny!
This is Jimmy White - the
whirlwind amateur world champion,
who, one day, when I've retired,
will be the Embassy World Champion.
What have you got a cigar for?
He doesn't look old
enough to buy cigarettes!
- I've just become a dad.
- Yeah!
What did Barry do to you?
You look like... an undertaker.
No, you don't.
He looks like the cadaver.
I was told that they had...
asteroids in here.
Isn't that what you had, Dennis?
Didn't they give you a cream for it?
I'll have a pint. Jimmy, what do you want?
Er, lager, please.
- 'Alex Higgins, '72 champion,
'against Steve Davis, the new
sensation of the snooker world.
'From Belfast, the quickest
potter on the planet,
'please welcome to the Crucible,
Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.'
We're not in Romford now.
'For his first appearance in a
world championship quarterfinal,
'from London, please welcome Steve Davis.'
Go on, my son.
- 'Well, Steve Davis had a go there.
'And I'm afraid it's going
to be very costly for him.'
'That slight upset has upset Steve.'
MUSIC: Mr Blue Sky by ELO
Come on!
- 'A terrific performance by Alex Higgins.
'Arrogant and box-office
snooker by Alex Higgins.
'Absolutely brilliant.'
'Alex is such a talented player.
'There stands the world trophy.
'That, together with 15,000.'
Good luck.
May the best man win.
Awful gracious of you, Grinder,
but at least let's go through the motions.
'So please put your hands
together for Cliff Thorburn!
'And looking to win his second world crown,
'from Northern Ireland, please
welcome Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!'
'So Alex goes into the lead.
'In a very favourable position indeed.
'Beautifully controlled.
'That's a beautiful shot.'
That's kamikaze snooker!
I know.
Magic, innit?
- 'That was a leap of the ball...'
What'd he take that on for?
What does he think this is?
Mission: Impossible?
Boom-boom boom-boom...
"This snooker player will
self-destruct in five minutes."
'And Alex watching every stroke.
'Surely seeing the world
title run away from him.'
Come on, Cliff!
'He just wants this frame to
become World Snooker Champion.
'And that shot must truly
sadden the heart... '
He blew it!
Playing to the gallery like there's
an audience award for the best shot.
You can't take a round
of applause to the bank.
He's like a little boy lost.
He's desperate for approval. Emotion,
Davis, is the enemy of success.
- OK, boss.
- Good.
But we can do better.
We need to create an aura of
invincibility around you.
Right, bear with me, Davis.
I want you to sit up on that seat
like you're on a khazi,
doing your business.
Come on!
That's how you should sit when
you're in tournaments, right?
Cross your legs a little bit.
- What, have I finished on the khazi now?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Look, you're there, all right?
You're at the Crucible.
Picture it.
Last frame. OK?
Everybody's waiting for
you to make the shot.
OK? You're thinking it
through, thinking it through.
Open your eyes.
I want you to feel like
you've seen a lot of trauma.
But I don't want to see your
thoughts, I want to see nothing.
Just eyes. Dead.
That's my boy. Good.
You need something else. You need a drink.
No. No, no, no, no.
Look, it's not a cup of
warm milk before bedtime.
It's a weapon.
No, no, no. Don't gulp it.
Just... just sip it.
Don't sip it either.
- What else is there?
- OK.
Just pick it up.
Put it to your lips and then
put it back down again.
- Why?
- I don't know.
But it's terrifying.
Er... won't the other players
just think I'm a wally?
No, Davis, they won't.
They'll think you're a total arsehole.
And that... is what we want.
Think of it as... mental snooker.
- No, it was luck, Thorburn,
that's what it was. You got lucky today.
That referee's always hated me.
They all hate me.
- You fucking cheat!
- 'Alex...'
Don't you FUCKING hang up on me!
Alex, what are you doing? Alex, stop it!
Alex, listen to me!
Listen, it's all right!
It's all right.
Alex, listen to me, listen.
Listen, there's always next year, OK?
It's all right.
MUSIC: Another One Bites The Dust by Queen
'Steve Davis, making his debut
in a big-time championship...
'the first time he's appeared in a final...
'is about to don the crown of UK champion.'
- 'Steve Davis commands...'
- 'He's become a feared player...'
'It is more a game of pressure now.'
'There's no way that anyone can stop him.'
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
world number one and
Romford's own, Steve Davis!
This way, please, Steve.
And his opponent this afternoon is the Croydon
Echo letter-writing competition winner,
he's a smashing kid with
a highest break of 16,
please welcome Matthew Harrison.
Hello, nice to meet you.
- Would you make a call for me, please?
- Heads.
- It is a head.
Matthew Harrison to break.
Go on, Matthew.
Good break. Well done.
Well done, very good.
- MAN:
- It looks like he can play, Matthew.
134 and the frame, Steve Davis.
Can you look this way, please?
There is no-one around who can
concentrate for long enough
to be a threat to my dominating major
tournaments for years to come.
'A very good morning. Yes, it is a
little early, but believe it or not,
'they are already playing
snooker here on this Monday
'at the Embassy World Professional
Championships in Sheffield.
'No doubt we will be talking about
the pressure shots and the tension.
'So, the psychological battles
which have always been evident
'behind the scenes in this World
Championship have begun again.'
Bye, Angel Face.
Touch my cue for luck.
There you go.
Daddy's got to go to work.
- Good luck.
- All right.
- Alex.
- Fuck off.
Oh, I don't know if you heard,
but I just had a little girl.
Lauren, her name is. I was at the birth.
Yeah, and to be honest with you,
it was the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.
Blood everywhere.
I mean, the doctors, they warned me,
what happens at the
business end during birth.
But I said I'd be all
right, that I'd cope...
..cos I knew Steve Davis and
he's the world's biggest cunt.
Go on, my son. Go on, Steve.
Give me a vodka.
That was beautiful.
What'll it be, Steve?
What d'you say, Barry?
Is he allowed to stop and have a
drink, or is he too good for us?
Too good for you? LAUGHS
Come on, Alex, give me a challenge.
Come on, you ginger twat.
- You can't play Space Invaders all the time.
- I'll buy you a drink.
- No, you won't, you buy me two fucking drinks.
- All right, done.
Two halves, it is.
Honestly, Barry. He's no good for the game.
You've gone and built a robot.
Who's going to want to watch that
when you can see a flair player?
A flair player?
That's hilarious. That just means you miss.
But at least I miss with style.
'That's it. The World Snooker
Champion, 1981, Steve Davis.'
You've done it. You done it.
I told you.
He done it!
Come on!
That's the most disgraceful goddamn
sight I've ever seen in snooker.
And I've known this piece of shit
for a decade, right, Bill? Up high.
I just hope they spell his
name right on the trophy -
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
We gotta install microwave ovens...
Ten grand.
That's right, for the week.
No, Hamish, it's not lira.
That's pounds sterling.
You listen to me. You want
Ferrari, don't pay Ford prices.
OK, you come back to me, but
don't leave it too long.
Everyone wants a piece of Davis and
that price is only going to go up.
Davis, I want you to meet Brian,
he's going to write us your autobiography.
But I'm only 23.
It doesn't matter.
He's going to pad it
out, loads of diagrams.
That way, even Jimmy White can read it.
Barry, shouldn't I write my autobiography?
Davis, don't be a wally.
Even your biggest fan won't want
to wade through an entire chapter
on how to chalk a cue.
Besides, you'll need that magic
to write your column in the Star.
Here, Brian, they love him in the Star.
Look at that.
- You could have flexed your muscles.
- I did.
PHONE RINGS Hold on. Hamish, I bet you.
Barry Hearn.
Good man, Hamish. Right, so,
11 grand for the week, then.
Yeah. I know I said ten, but
that was two minutes ago.
I told you you've got to be quick.
Go on, then.
Who is it?
Well, in that case you'd
better make it 12.
Come on, Davis!
You all right, Davis?
No. No, I'm not.
There is only one word to
describe Alex Higgins.
- Obnoxious.
- I think there's a few more than that,
- but that's the one Brian'll put in the autobiography.
- All right.
But if he touches me again, then I'm
not responsible for what I might do.
Well, what will you do?
Probably go home.
All right, I'll sort it.
Steve Davis - 58.
- Come on!
Stamina. It's one aspect of the game
that is all too commonly forgotten.
Just because snooker players
don't chase a football,
it doesn't mean that we don't need
to be in a prime physical condition.
- As I was saying...
- Jesus, Brian. It's been a week.
Have you not finished yet?
Steve Davis is boring - the end.
Alex... I thought we had an agreement.
For God's sake!
One, two, three...
Thank you.
You know, I thought it was the idea
of Steve Davis I used to hate.
But now I've got to know
you a little better,
I actually hate Steve
Davis the man even more.
Yeah. Well, you're... you're drunk.
Yes, I am.
But in the morning, I shall be sober,
and you'll still be boring.
Alex, it is the morning.
All right, then, Davis. Are you all set?
I don't suppose you've got
room in the car for one more?
I do, as it happens. Brian, snap to it.
You know I can't drive myself.
Don't be like that.
I think there's something you need
to talk to your own manager about,
whoever that currently is.
- I intend to.
- Room number, sir?
I'm not staying here.
I can't afford to.
- Right...
- Let me see that.
That is very generous of you, Alex.
Thank you.
Well, you must have got
a good deal for Davis.
- Just imagine what I earn for this trip.
- I don't have to. I know.
Two grand. I got more than that.
Thank you. Most enjoyable.
Well, I wouldn't sign for
you, even if you asked me.
That's good, cos I'm not asking.
Pride, Barry, it's a terrible thing.
You'd snap my hand off.
Where is he? Where's Beadle?
I don't need anyone to hold my hand
and put my suitcase in the car,
but I know you're a bit of a whizz
on the old pocket calculator.
Wait a minute - are you asking me?
No chance!
I'll always be the biggest
draw in the game.
So fuck you and fuck... Davis.
You see, it's that attitude
that has no place in what
I'm trying to build here
- with an ethos of impeccable professionalism...
- Fuck you!
- I don't want to join.
- ..and politeness at all times.
How am I supposed to market
someone as rude as you to IBM?
That is a disgraceful slur
on my character, Barry,
and fuck IBM!
Their computers are shite.
And what's that got to do with snooker?
The world's changing, Alex.
My new Matchroom stable recognises that.
My new Matchroom stable recognises...(!)
Well, I'm not changing
and I'd certainly never change for you.
You know what the people want? Me!
This is the box office!
'Steve Davis...
'..the living embodiment
of snooker perfection...'
'This black for the first televised 147...'
It was John Spencer back in 1979.
It was only not televised because
yous pricks took a tea break!
For fuck's sake, Ted.
Have you got a hard-on for Davis, or what?
'He's done it.
'Steve Davis engraves his name on history
'with a break of faultless brilliance.
'We are surely watching the greatest player
'that has ever graced the baize.'
You're up early.
I haven't been to bed.
What have you been doing, love?
"By the 1981 World Championship,
"Alex's decline was being
noticed for the first time..."
Alex, I think we really need to
stop talking about Steve Davis.
Where is it? Here it is.
"Alex could no longer achieve
what he used to attain."
He's fucking obsessed with me!
It doesn't matter. OK?
- He's obsessed with me.
- What's the matter?
- Obsessed.
- No matter what happens, you've always got me
- and you've always got Lauren.
- You're right.
I'm going to haunt that bastard
till they cart me out
in a little brown box.
Sweetheart, I really think we need
to try and get you some help.
Oh, baby.
If you could just follow me.
Just this way. Thank you.
Please, just don't!
James, you just give me the names of
the bastards that did this to you
- and I swear to God...
- It's my new management. They poofed me up.
- I said no, but...
- Not Barry Hearn?
Wouldn't join that mob.
So, what happened?
You had a fight and got
your teeth knocked IN?
They reckon it'll be good
for sponsorship and that.
It's all about image, though, innit?
Who else do they manage? Spandau Ballet(?)
Barry Manilow.
You heard Tony Meo signed for Hearn?
He's one of the Matchroom boys now.
He's taken the fucking spic?
Yeah. He's been told to clean up his act.
No more disco dancing.
- It's like being back at school.
- How would you know?
He's got Terry, an' all.
It's all changing, Alex.
Good luck to them.
They'll need it.
I brought you some grapes.
Good lad.
You sure this is a hospital?
- They've even got a snooker table in
the games room. - Oh, yeah? - Hmm.
Been hustling all the nutcases, have you?
I don't feel like playing.
So, what happened, then? You went gonzo?
Loose your marbles?
It's called exhaustion, James.
You know? I just needed a rest.
So, we're not going to see
you in Sheffield, then?
Doesn't matter.
Davis is going to win, anyway.
MUSIC: Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who
Good girl.
Show Daddy.
Show Daddy.
'The question that everyone is asking,
'can anybody take the title away
from the man who has become
'one of the biggest names
'not just in snooker but
in all sport, Steve Davis?
'What a remarkable time he's had.
'He came here and won the title last year.
'Since then, he's done everything right,
'and a bookmaker made him 5-2 on
favourite to retain the title,
'and nobody has ever retained
'the world professional
snooker championship title
'here in the Crucible.'
Three grand,
Alex Higgins to be snooker
champion of the world.
- Yes!
What's going on?
Knowlesy knocked out the Nugget, mate!
Oh, my God.
(Ssh-ssh, here he comes.)
Looks like your robot's broken down, Barry.
Can I write this chapter in
your next autobiography?
Are you done? Good boy.
See you later, fellas.
Thank you.
Time, gentlemen, please.
MUSIC: Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream
It's getting near dawn
When lights close their tired eyes...
It's the match the world's
been waiting for...
Doesn't matter. Steve Davis
is going to win anyway(!)
Well, here we are. This
is a special shoot out.
- Please welcome Jimmy "the Whirlwind" White...
- Good luck.
..I've been waiting so long...
And his opponent, Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!
'Quite extraordinary.
'Some of these shots that Jimmy knocks in,
'he makes them look so easy.'
'Do you get the feeling, Jack,
this could be the winning break?'
'And Alex finding it hard to
bear, I think, at the moment.'
'So Alex breathes again.
'59 points in front now.
'And still enough points
on the table for Alex,
'if he can just take his opportunity.
'He has to win this frame
to stay in the match.
'And if he does win it,
'what an electric finish it's going to be.'
MUSIC: Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix
'And with that shot,
'he's brought the only red
that was relatively safe
'over the centre pocket.'
'Well, he can pot this black, Jack,
'and I think he's got to go for it.
This is the big shot of the frame.
'And a tremendous shot under pressure!
'A lot of courage Alex has got.
'And so another difficult
red, into the centre pocket.'
'And Alex not able to afford any mistakes.
'Right-hand corner.'
'And another tremendous shot.
'Oh, and that's a beautiful shot!
'I tend to think, Jack,
'this has become a test of courage.'
'And Alex really rising
to the occasion here.
'This really is something.'
'I'm feeling nervous for him, Jack.
'I think, if he clears this,
'this will be the break of the tournament.'
'What a fabulous break if
he knocks this black in.'
'Oh, marvellous!'
'15 frames all, what a finish.'
'So, Jimmy White concedes.
'What a splendid finish,
'and a truly, truly superb semifinal.
'So, the people's player
'now has a chance to really
be the people's champion.'
I love you, baby.
From the first moment I
held you in my arms.
And now...
..your daddy is playing
in the final tomorrow.
It's going to change everything.
I'm going to prove all
those bastards wrong.
I promise you, baby...
..I won't ever let you down.
MUSIC: Tiny Dancer by Elton John
Blue jean baby
LA lady
Seamstress for the band...
Pirate smile
You'll marry a music man...
'Congratulations from every side
'for this extraordinary young Irishman
'who has done so much for
the world of snooker
'since he came on the scene
just ten years ago.'
..And now she's in me Always with me...
Well done, well done.
Bring my baby.
My baby.
My baby.
..Jesus freaks
Out in the streets
Handing tickets out for God...
Look! Look what Daddy won.
..Turning back
She just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad...
Oh, my baby, let me take my baby.
I got you.
'The man who said, "I want so much
to become the people's champion,"
'has won the championship.
'The people have watched and applauded.'
MUSIC: The Boys Are Back
In Town by Thin Lizzy
Faster, driver, faster!
Who's this?
Jimmy White!
Look at Jimmy White!
Whose deal is it? Come on.
It's John the Arab, but
he's in the fucking khazi.
- He's always in there. All right, John?
- Ooh...
Put that over there, Jimmy.
You know, I might be the world champion
but, more importantly,
out there, you know,
I'm the People's Champion.
In the words of Frank Sinatra...
I did it my way...
Jimmy says yous are in the music business.
I fucking told you. This is UB40.
I know! You don't have
to tell me that again.
I'm your greatest fan.
..The boys are back in town...
Yeah, Paddy...
Paddy, I'm... I'm as fucked off as you,
but, you know, we've got a flat tyre.
- (What else can go wrong in a car?)
- (The radiator.)
And the radiator's fallen off.
We'll be there on Tuesday.
Is it?
Wednesday, then. Tomorrow?
Yep. Yep, tomorrow.
I'll buy you a pint, OK.
Ciao, ciao, ciao. Bye.
So, what did Paddy say?
He said we've got time to go to the races.
Red, red wine
Goes to my head...
In three, two...
Hello. Welcome to...
Wait for the music, Steve.
- Hel... Welcome to...
- Camera two.
- Oh, right. Here?
- Camera two, yes.
The one with the light on, Steve.
You've got to look at the
camera with the light on.
Right. Yeah. I see.
- It looks great. You look beautiful. It looks good, honestly, mate.
- OK.
All right.
- Don't worry about it.
It's what a screen test's for.
- Take your time.
- OK.
Welcome to A Frame With Davis.
Today, I've got two best...
I've got... Today, I've
got two guest celebrities
who are going to have a game
of snooker against each other.
Yeah, yeah. Steve, that's great, but, um,
we know you can play snooker.
The idea is to interview the
guests at the same time.
- Sorry, was I in the zone again?
- No, Steve, you're doing great, OK?
Just ask me a question. Fire away.
So, Bernie Winters,
When did you first realise
that you wanted to be in the show business?
Tell you what, can we just cut
there and take five, Miles?
- Yes.
- OK.
- I'm sorry, Barry, this isn't really me, is it?
- Granted, granted,
but then that's not really you,
either, is it, when you're playing?
That's more like tournament Steve.
You see, what we're after here
is a sort of third Steve,
- personality Steve.
- But I'm boring.
I know you are.
We just need to make you boring
in a really fun way, you know?
- Get you to tell a few jokes.
- I don't know any jokes.
Which is good.
You'll have the element
of surprise on your side.
Have a look at this.
A few notes.
Have a read of some of them, all right?
"I'm so boring my nickname is Steve Davis."
That's the one.
Now go!
"I'm so boring my nickname is Steve Davis."
I didn't realise you were doing it there.
OK. All right.
We'll do it once more. OK? This time,
we'll do the Shake n' Vac and put
the freshness back. Watch this.
- I'm so boring my nickname's Steve Davis.
See, Robbo likes it.
Why aren't you laughing?
Sorry. I've heard it before.
Fellas, you're four hours late.
They are baying for blood in there.
- Where have you been?
- Relax, Barry. They love me.
I'm the People's Champion.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to this club,
world champion Alex "Hurricane"
Higgins here tonight
with Jimmy "The Whirlwind" White.
Someone's nicked it.
All the money's in there!
They've got my fucking trophy!
Fucking hell! They've stolen UB40!
Fuck's sake!
Why don't you know when you will be back?
Depends how many exhibition
matches Jimmy has lined up.
- We need you here!
- We need the money, in case you hadn't noticed.
Look, love. I'm trying to do
everything I can for this family.
It's not my fault Ireland
was such a disaster,
that my single didn't
make it into the charts.
It's hard enough as it is at the moment.
It's hard for me, too, you know.
- Would it kill you to be just a little bit supportive?
- Alex, I'm pregnant!
- I can't do everything by myself.
- Well, I'm world champion.
- I can do anything I like.
- Pardon?
Look, love, it will just be a couple
of days, no more than a week,
I promise.
What about your snooker cue?
So don't you want another nipper, then?
You don't look happy about it.
Of course I am, it's just...
She's barely lost the
weight from the last one.
Oh, go on, then.
But I told Maureen I was only
popping out to buy some milk.
Can I have a wine, please?
- Well, if it ain't The Grinder?
- Oh, shit.
Are you even bothering to go to
fucking Sheffield this year?
Alex, please. Language,
in front of my wife.
Sorry. Sorry.
Tell me, darling, is he The
Grinder on the end of the table,
- if you get my drift?
- Alex, please.
We're having an enjoyable evening.
I'll be dammed if I'm going
to let you spoil it.
You are a Canadian cunt.
Alex, I've had about as
much of you as I can take,
so think very carefully
about what you say next.
You are fucking shit at snooker!
Would you excuse me, my dear?
What the fucking...? Fuck you!
I'm going to pound on you
until my fist is sore.
- He's just a bit wasted...
- All right, show's over.
It's all right, it's all right...
Get him the hell out of here.
It's all right. Messing around.
Messing around, aren't we?
Calm down, Cliff. All right?
All right? Just messing around.
OK? Come on.
I'm sorry, love.
All right, all right, fine.
Fine, fine.
- Still fucking minted.
- Fuck you!
Oh, Jesus Christ! Come on, honestly!
HE GASPS Little shit-stain!
Oh, no, yes. We do have a laugh.
When I got asked to come and do this show,
I said, "You do know I'm
boring, don't you?"
And they said, "How boring?"
I said, "I'm so boring, my
nickname is Steve Davis."
I'm glad you find that one funny.
- Go on, my son.
- My shot, is it?
'A very good morning to you.
'And if you were planning anything
else today, I would cancel it.
'Because I think we are in store here
for the most interesting day yet
'in the 1983 Embassy Professional
Snooker Championship Of The World.
'Right, the start of day 14.
Alex Higgins and Steve Davis.
'And we will be with the semifinals
right throughout the day
'and throughout the evening...'
- ANNOUNCER: This match needs little introduction...
- Here we are, Cagney and fucking Lacey.
You know no-one has ever won two in a row?
- Before now, that is.
- I hope I win, Alex, for your sake.
Someone's got to stop you
celebrating the last one.
- Since when does he make jokes?
- Since he got his own chat show.
- number one, Steve Davis!
- Go on, son.
And please welcome the defending
Embassy World Snooker Champion,
Alex "Hurricane" Higgins!
I know, I miss you, too. But...
I can't come home, I'm
playing an exhibition match.
'So, this exhibition match,
who are you playing?'
- Jimmy.
I'll be there in a minute,
just give me a minute, Jimmy.
Higgins, you pig. Have
you finished with these?
- 'Who was that?'
- Nobody.
I'm not nobody. I'm Oliver fucking Reed.
Oh, and Ollie Reed is here as well.
'Shut up!'
He's keeping score.
Shut up!
Oh, fuck.
Lynn, just calm down. Tell
me, what have I done?
'Alex, you're never at home.'
I'm at home now.
- Listen, it's worse when you are at home.
- You see, there you go.
- I can't win.
- Look, I don't want our kids to see you pissed all the time.
So I like a drop of drink. If
that's the worst of our problems...
Alex, I am worried I'm going
to end up getting AIDS!
Lynn, I swear on my life,
I'm not into fellas.
Alex, you are not listening to me.
Look, I know I'm not a model husband, OK?
I admit that. But...
I love you. Right, if you want
me to change, I'll change.
No, I...
Listen, I want you to, I really
do, but you will never change.
I'll never give up my family.
The Hurricane never gives up.
- Come home, Lynn.
- I can't do it, I'm sorry.
- Come...
- Alex, I said no.
Come on, mate. You can sort this.
My Maureen gets like this.
A bit antsy.
Then she calms down and, you know,
we just carry on like it never happened.
Until the next time.
That's what marriage is.
Come on, follow me, I'll give you the tour.
Kitchen, portable colour TV.
All you have to do all day is just...
sit around and push buttons.
Do you really think this is going
to solve all of our problems?
I know, we'll get an au pair, but... have to admit, it's a
good place for a fresh start.
Alex, how many fresh starts can I give you?
I know.
I know, it's my final last chance, but...
You know the Hurricane is never better
then when his back is against the wall.
It's too big.
I'll be lonely when you're not here.
Oh, and the piece de resistance...
- My sn...
- Snooker room.
I can practise here. No more
going away for days on end.
- And I'm getting a new manager.
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
What, you don't think we
can afford it? We can.
Snooker has never been bigger
and I'm back to my best.
I meant I don't know if I'm ready, Alex.
I'll win 60 grand for
the Embassy next year.
- I'll build us a swimming pool.
- Can't even swim.
For you and the kids.
Imagine, little Lauren and Jordan,
playing out there, raising hell.
Be like a real family again.
I know that's what you want.
Please say yes, because...
..the truth is,
I've already bought it.
It is Monopoly meets KerPlunk.
- You think people are actually going to buy this?
- Course they will.
Especially... when I throw
in a pair of these.
- What have they got to do with snooker?
- Nothing.
That's the genius bit. PHONE RINGS
That phone is red-hot. It
will not stop ringing.
Buzby's working overtime and I
think I need a new fax machine.
Barry Hearn.
No, I do not know if the World
Champion drinks coffee.
Well, how much are we talking?
He loves the stuff. He can't get
enough of it, especially...
What brand did you say it was again?
Thank you very much.
Would you not rather have my
face on an advert than that?
Would you not say I'm a much sexier man?
Oh, yeah, much sexier.
Have you seen this one?
I don't read Women's Realm.
"If I had to choose between sex
and snooker, I'd choose snooker."
So would she!
Can you imagine that in bed?
Spend three minutes walking round
her lining up the fucking shot.
Probably chalks his bell-end.
He did win Rear Of The Year.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- When it was Sue Pollard.
Listen, Alex, I can get you deals.
Just got Tony Knowles
in with Vidal Sassoon.
Well... Tony can walk into
any Vidal Sassoon salon,
anywhere in the country and
get himself a free haircut.
I'm talking about getting me a TV
advert, not a free fucking haircut.
Do you have any idea how
much this place cost me?
I pay you 10%.
And you just draw a blank.
A Blankety Blank.
Why can't you even get me
on Blankety fucking Blank?
People like winners.
Alex, darling, can I get some money
cos Caterina wants to
take Lauren into town?
How am I meant to practise with all
these constant interruptions?!
MUSIC: The Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi
Excuse me.
What the fuck?
Are you sure this is a snooker tournament?
- This place is bigger than your house.
- Don't mention that money pit.
I have to win this just
to pay the gas bill.
What the fuck are you doing?
It's the Goya Matchroom scent.
It's the international fragrance
for the men who play to win.
You wanna be a winner, you've
got to smell like a winner.
It's a mix of fern needles, tarragon,
pimento, nutmeg, patchouli,
musk, sandalwood and tonka beans.
Hey, Grinder, what's all this shit?
Beats me, thought we were
here to play goddamn snooker.
I may be the People's Champion,
but not these fucking people.
Fucking Romford lot.
It's all just fake, innit?
Barry, Barry!
Can you get us a pint
of that Goya Matchroom?
I think you've had enough, Alex, don't you?
Fuck you, Barry. You don't
tell me what to do.
Jesus, they take it all so seriously now.
Who is it that made all this possible?
Got millions to watch so Davis
could line his fucking pockets.
Barry Hearn.
The Hurricane.
Before me it was just old farts
taking it in turns to miss.
Can we open a window?
Fucking stinks in here.
Tell you what, Alex, I'll open a door
and you can walk straight out of it.
As you offering me out, Barry?
I'll fucking come outside
with you, just give me...
- I'll fucking kill you!
- Alex! Just have a drink.
- Come on!
- What are you talking about?!
Listen to me. Play the game,
you've just got to play snooker
and take his money, yeah?
Yeah, that's all he cares about.
Fuck all this shit.
Get outta my way!
This is... This is MY bandwagon.
You know that, Tintin. All right?
It'll take more than perfume
and fancy fucking canapes...
- kick me off.
What do you think, Willie?
It's a bit of a fucking
po-o-osh party, isn't it?
Bit of a posh pa-a-arty!
All right, I'm off now.
One last one for the photographers.
There you go.
Get that in your fucking lens!
Fucking prick, give me that!
Give me fucking that!
Fucking prick.
And every step I take
Takes me further from heaven
Is there a heaven?
I'd like to think so
Standards of living...
- Hey.
- So this is how you practise?
I didn't know you were up.
I'm just... I'm just showing her
some shots with my new cue.
What do you expect, eh?!
I'm a red-blooded male!
I'll be gone soon enough and you
can fuck whoever you want to then!
Yeah, well, maybe I fucking will!
I'm taking the kids, I'm going to
my parents, and for good this time!
You can't fucking do that!
- Those children need a daddy!
- Too fucking right they do!
So now I'm not a good daddy?!
- Where the fuck you going?
- They're scared of you, Alex, so am I.
Do you have any idea what I
have to do for this family?
The shit I have to deal with?!
Get your fucking hands off of me.
Lynn. Come here, Lynn.
Don't you go in there!
Swear to God, Lynn! Come out here!
Come out here!
Come out so we can talk about
this like civilised people!
You fucking bitch!
Fucking bitch!
'Mr Higgins, who was due to play
later today at the Goya Matchroom
'Snooker Tournament, was taken today
by Macclesfield police station.'
ALL: Snooker loopy nuts are we
Me and him and them and me
We'll show you what we can do
With a load of balls and a snooker cue
Pot the reds then screw back
For the yellow, green,
brown, blue, pink and black
Snooker loopy nuts are we
We're all snooker loopy...
That's it, boys.
Now Terry the Taff was
born in a gaff...
All right, Jim?
It's great, innit? Look.
He likes to sing along
And if I win he says with a grin
It can only help me, can't it?
I'll celebrate, I'll buy another eight
Hairbrushes for me barnet
But old Willy Thorne, his hair's all gone
And his mates all take the rise
His opponent said cover up his head
Cos it's shining in my eyes
When the light shines
down on his bare crown
It's a cert he's gonna walk it
It's just not fair giving off that glare
Perhaps I ought to chalk it
Snooker loopy nuts are we
Me and him and them and me
We'll show you what we can do
With a load of balls and a snooker cue
the reds then screw back
For the yellow, green,
brown, blue pink and black
Snooker loopy nuts are we
We're all snooker loopy...
- Who is it?
- It's me, it's Jimmy.
- Come in, then.
- You all right, mate?
- Mm-hm.
Sorry for all these fucking...
Come in.
Tried phoning.
There's a... problem with the phone.
- Lynn's still not come round, then?
- No.
She's, uh...
She's got a court ruling.
If I try to see her or the kids then, um...
..they'll put me in prison.
I'm sorry, mate.
It's no-one's fault.
Have you, uh...
had breakfast?
No, no, ta. Can't stop.
Oh, come on, James.
I've got a corporate.
Haven't seen you for days.
Listen, uh...
I just wanted to be the one to tell you.
I've signed.
Barry fucking Hearn.
Yeah, Barry fucking Hearn.
He says I can be the Matchroom bad boy.
I can still do whatever I want
as long as I check with him first.
That's, uh...
That's great.
That's the best decision you ever made.
That's funny cos I thought
you was going to punch me.
No, but I will if you turn into
one of them Matchroom arseholes.
You know I won't.
Me and you, James...
we're the only two that
ever played for love.
I better go.
Robbo's waiting outside.
You know, it's funny, I was...
I was thinking of going
to see Barry myself.
He called the other day.
No, definitely, you should.
Right, I'll see you, mate.
Be lucky, baby.
Don't worry, Frank, he'll pay.
- I'll make him pay.
I gotta go, Frank.
Come in. Yeah, all right,
Frank, I gotta go. Yeah.
I do know what you mean. OK. Bye.
Always a pleasure. What do you want?
I have a bone to pick with you, Baz.
You've nicked Jimmy.
I want my practice partner back.
Drinking partner?
Well, the amount we drink,
it takes a lot of practice.
So, you're worried about Jimmy?
I'm a lot of things, Barry,
but I don't hold a grudge.
You were too proud to ask me in '82.
I'm sure you had reasons and
you probably regret those now
since I won the Embassy that year but...
I'm here to offer you a
chance to put that right...
and sign the People's Champion.
So long as the terms of the
contract are right for me.
"Lean, square-jawed, his good
looks and clean-cut behaviour
"have made Steve Davis
the hero of Britain."
This is what I'm building here, Alex.
Courage Brewery have just
bought Steve Davis for a year.
An exclusive contract - 1 million.
So, unless I accidentally have a lobotomy,
I'm not going to risk it all on you. Am I?
Snooker needs me, Barry.
Do you think people tune in hoping
to watch Davis play Tony Meo?
I'm the box office - me.
I know.
You admit it, you bastard.
You're right.
We need you.
The millions out there, they don't
tune in to watch the snooker,
they watch for the soap opera.
It's Dallas with balls.
And you're JR and Bobby
Ewing rolled into one.
You're destroying yourself.
And it's a fact of life
that millions of people
enjoy watching the process,
so, yeah, snooker needs you.
But I don't need you.
Barry, please.
Please, I'm begging you.
I need you to manage me.
I can't manage on my own.
I said I'd never change, well...
I'll change.
I'll do anything, Barry.
I'm on my fucking knees here.
I can't, Alex.
I've lost everyone.
And I've lost my house...
all the money.
Fucking Inland Revenue are after me.
You know?
I'll even give up the drink, Barry.
I promise.
You wouldn't last a day, Alex. I-I'm sorry.
We can do this.
You know? I could change and...
You're the only one who can help me.
I've lost my family.
Alex, you're a mess.
Look, um...
Look, where you headed to? I'll get
Robbo to give you a lift somewhere.
I've nowhere to go.
I'm sure you know a boozer
open somewhere near here.
Take it, Alex.
Take care, Alex.
COMMENTATOR: Alex Higgins concedes.
Steve James has played exceptionally well.
From 5-5 he won five frames in succession
to win by 10 frames to 5.
I actually owe Higgins my life.
True story, right? I was getting
beaten up by three blokes
and Alex walks round the corner and says,
"That's probably enough now, lads."
Hey, Alex.
- Why are you even over? I ain't coming to your...
- Just saying, mate.
- Get the fuck off.
- OK, man.
Give me another drink, someone.
How many's he had now?
Maybe I should go down.
No, Jimmy. Leave him.
He won't thank you.
One more.
(Fuck off.)
What are you doing down here?
- Come to get you, Alex, come on.
- Fuck off.
- They're turning the lights off, Alex.
- Don't need you to help me.
I don't need anyone.
I...fucking... quit.
You can relax, we'll call it a draw.
- I'm very sorry to hear that, Alex.
- No, you're not.
You've got what you always wanted.
You got rid of the Hurricane.
You'll find out what it's like soon enough.
Stephen Hendry will come along
and knock you off your perch
and then you'll know what it's like.
Why do you hate me?
Come on, I don't hate you.
I've never hated you.
I idolised you.
When I watched you play I
thought it was genius.
I wanted to be just like
Alex Higgins. Once.
That's... That's... No.
No, that's not true. We've...
We've always been... enemies.
I'm not your enemy, Alex.
You are. And the drink.
That's right, blame me. Everyone else does.
You look after yourself.
Remember this -
I'll get the romantic
obituaries when I die.
And you can keep the fucking money.
MUSIC: Soul On Fire by Spiritualized
And all the angels singing
Just about got it right
Cut through with silver
And goodness did heaven know
Don't know where we're going
But, darling, bless your soul
Baby, set my soul on fire
I've got two little arms to hold on tight
And I want to take you higher
Baby, never should say never
I've got a hurricane inside my veins
And I want to stay forever
Sweetheart, it may not be easy
But we're trying hard to hold on
Trying to make it better
Sweetheart, get so much freedom
But freedom is just another word
When you've no-one left to hurt
Baby, set my soul on fire
I've got two little arms to hold on tight
And I want to take you higher
Baby, never should say never
I've got a hurricane inside my veins
And I want to stay forever...