The Rainbow Boys (1973) Movie Script
1
Bastards.
Bastards.
Bastards!
Bastards!
Bastards.
Gee whiz
...all those fellas out there
at Ma and Pa Littles
out on the Highway 24.
It's a restaurant out
there that we've been
telling you about all week.
It's a nice place to eat.
It's truly good country cooking there.
Ma and Pa Littles. Happy
to see you 24 hours a day.
24 hours a day.
AHIK Country, country music.
I've got some dust.
Dust.
How you doing?
That's good stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, man. Excuse me.
Do you carry enchiladas?
You know, in a can?
I got escargot, pickled walnut,
Song Gong wonton soup,
Arctic chars, and gefilte fish,
but I definitely don't have enchiladas.
I got the beans.
Well, come on. How much?
You got beans?
Six bucks.
Six bucks?
Which way you going, man?
Want a ride?
Bugger off. God, off it.
Bastards.
Hey!
Are you crazy?
Break my car and scratch paint?
Oh, scratch your ears, Cochise.
It was an accident.
- He's right.
- Yeah, I saw it.
You old bum.
Who are you calling "old bum"?
Get your dukes up. Come
on, get your dukes up!
Bum.
Bastard.
- Jesus.
- Bastard.
Bastard!
- You...
- My shoulder.
You dropped your...
Hey, this machine,
- is it damaged?
- I gotta get to a doctor.
Doctor?
Oh, gee whiz, your spectacles.
Bloody motorists.
The minute they get into a car
they think they own the bloody road, eh?
- You're telling me.
- Bastards.
Doctor?
No, there's no doctor here.
Well, I could take you to Gladys.
Whatever, man.
Hop in.
Gee whiz, I've never...
Come on!
Okay.
Which way?
It's the corner of Third
Avenue and Prospector.
- Third Avenue?
- Yes!
Bloody bastards.
They're worse than bloody snipers.
Who's Gladys?
- Gladys?
- Is she a nurse?
Well, she's a good woman.
- Snipers?
- Hey, are these things safe?
Bloody snake, that bastard, eh?
I could have taken him.
Well, Gladys will fix you up.
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys.
It's a cute place you got here.
Kinda noisy.
Eh?
Beautiful yard.
Oh, yeah. Well it, isn't mine, you see?
I kip here sometimes.
Kip?
Yes. I've got my own
place. My own house
out of town across the river there.
Gladys!
Gladys!
Have you finished beating
the shit out my door?
Oh.
Sorry, Gladys.
Oh!
Oh, that's it. I've had it.
That's it.
Is she your buddy, man?
What?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
You all right, Gladys?
Go away!
Gladys.
Bloody hole.
Bloody people.
- Come on.
- Who the hell is that?
The name's Mazella, friends.
You won't find any
bloody friends around here.
They're all half dead,
just like this old bunch of garbage.
What's the matter, you got the cramps?
He fell on his motorbike.
He hurt his shoulder.
Yeah, well it serves him right.
Gladys, could you...
Come here.
Logan, go and heat some water.
Right.
Take your shirt off.
Okay.
Easy.
Okay, easy.
Easy.
Jesus Christ, man!
None of that bloody
language around here.
Come here.
Well, there are no bones broken.
You got a nice lump, though.
Oh, it feels good.
Wonder you didn't kill
yourself on that death machine.
It carried me all the
way from the Big Apple.
What's the Big Apple?
New York.
New York?
You gotta be nuts.
What about my old buddy down there?
Logan?
Crazy old bum.
Funny you should say that.
Well, he is.
Feel good?
It's really great. Really great.
Well, there you are.
You'll live.
Oww!
Here it is, all steamy.
Oh!
You let people stand
all over you, Logan.
That's the trouble.
You've been sitting in that shack
ever since I can remember,
talking gold.
Shh, shh, Gladys.
Don't shush me, you old sod.
You haven't found enough to fill a tooth.
That's a lie to start with.
I can tell you I get it regular.
Mm-hmm.
Every month, Gladys.
You know that.
Yeah, so what'd you
get the last time? Six dollars.
And the time before
that, four bloody fifty.
Well, it's getting better.
It's always getting bloody better.
Come on, what is it with you guys?
You're doing great, man.
You're a gold miner, ain't you?
Last of a dying breed.
How would you know?
You'd last 10 minutes.
Working'd kill you.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Listen, lady. I paid my dues.
Leavenworth and Fort Dix.
Uncle Sam got no flies on Mazella.
Oh yes.
I've been grabbing gold for years.
Know all about it.
It's the critical analysis, you see.
When they test it for you.
They can tell right away.
There's good and bad, you see.
Well, of course, I only get the good sort.
...because it's the best, you see.
You ever seen this?
It's a book.
"Lost Mines and Treasures
of the Pacific Northwest."
Gee whiz.
That's right.
I read it from cover to cover.
You wanna know something, man?
This book is dynamite.
Oh, God.
I picked it up last summer.
I was in the village looking for a job,
wearing a shirt and a tie.
Was on a whole other trip.
Trip?
It was sweltering. Middle of August.
By 11 o'clock in the
morning, I was sopping wet,
so I duck into this little store,
corner of Bleecker and
Thompson, bookstore.
It says air conditioned
for your comfort, right?
So I go in, I'm cooling off,
browsing around the porno, faking it,
and this guy comes over
to me, the owner, he goes,
"Can I help you?"
So I don't know, I said,
"You got any books about fresh
air? The great outdoors?"
I figured I'd get him the ecology bit.
Turns out he's got a whole wall of them.
So I picked this one, random.
Nice pictures.
Four bucks.
Oh, yes.
There was a lot of mines out here.
Heaps of mines.
Of course, a lot of 'em was figments.
You need a lot more than books
to find any gold around here.
Ain't no harm in trying, lady.
Figments?
Imagination figments. Phony like.
But an expert could tell
for sure, like yourself.
Logan, an expert?
Oh, yes.
You've gotta know your stuff,
have all the right gear.
Should I tell him, Gladys?
You tell him anything you want, Logan.
The fact is I actually own a gold mine.
Oh, Logan. Come off it.
You don't even know where it is.
He hasn't even been
there, for Christ's sake.
Well, wait a minute.
Is it true?
Oh, yes.
The Little Lemon.
My old dad, he left it to me, see?
Lemon is right.
It was too late when I got out here,
- you see, from England.
- Mm-hmm.
He'd been working Little
Lemon for three years,
and he had to come back
into town that winter
because of the sickness, you see.
He just couldn't carry all that stuff,
just him on his own.
It's heavy stuff, you see.
Stuff? What stuff?
Well, the gold, mate.
- 300 pounds...
- 300 pounds?!
300 pounds is heavy.
It's a hundred miles up over
there to the Little Lemon.
"Ralph," he said. "Take
care of our old mum.
Tell her I'm sorry.
You go back there in the springtime,"
he said. "And bring it all back.
She'll like that," he said.
Then he give me the papers and the map.
Then he died.
Serves him bloody well right
leaving your old lady
high and dry like that.
He was fine, my father.
He fought the Germans, Royal Engineers,
Balloon Division, A Company, 1917.
Oh, wow. This is a
weird trip with you two.
What the hell are you talking about?
Why don't you just go away?
Go back to your bookstore.
No, don't go.
The war broke out, and then I
got this letter about our mum.
Huh?
Oh, dear. Yes.
Yes, the Jerrys.
They dropped a landmine.
We have a nice little cherry tree
out in the back by the shed, you see?
It was hanging there one
morning from a parachute.
Cherry tree?
No, the landmine.
Well, of course the army come.
They says, "Out!
Out, missus! Get out, get out, get out!"
Well, our mom says, "I
ain't leaving my house.
Not for no Jerry bomb," she says.
Then she shut the door, see?
- Well...
- Go ahead.
Half hour later,
there's this corporal fella.
He's swinging from the bomb,
and he's tapping it with a little hammer.
Well, of course it went off.
Nothing left after that,
just a bloody great hole in the ground.
Well, I suppose it's all covered in now.
I mean, that's 35 years ago.
Gee whiz, huh?
Nothing to go back for.
I mean, all the gold in the world's
no good to you if you're dead now, is it?
You should know.
Eh?
You should know!
Wait a minute.
Look, I tell you what I'd like to do.
For a share in the proceeds,
I'll stake your trip up there.
On that bike thing?
You gotta be joking.
I wasn't asking you, lady.
Well, I don't know.
It's hard country. Very difficult.
Easy to lose your way.
You got a map, don't you?
Eh?
The map.
Map?
Yeah. Of course I've got a map.
Man, you're so full of
old-fashioned bullshit
that it's coming out of your ears,
and I'm gonna tell you
something else, Henry.
Henry?
If there is this Little Lemon mine,
I think that you're
scared of going out there
and actually doing a deed.
Scared?
Scared? Did you hear that, Gladys?
I'm sorry, Logan.
This time he's right.
Scared?
I think you're chicken.
Chick...
Chick...
Scared? Nobody calls me scared!
Put your dukes up!
- Oh!
- Come on, get 'em up!
Sit down,
- you silly old sod.
- Bastard, bastard!
- Bastard!
- That is it!
And as for you, if you
think you're gonna con me
into some cockamamie caper on
that thing, just forget it.
I picked it up from a guy in Flatbush.
- Flat?
- Bush!
Brooklyn.
He was stealing out of the
back seat, 'til he got busted.
Busted?
Yeah. Cops.
You know?
I got it from his old man real cheap.
Well, three wheels are better than two,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, and it's all tuned up.
You know, special...
I forget, some sort of sprocket.
Yeah.
This is a great spot.
Yeah.
Nice view.
- You built it?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, gee whiz, yes.
I built it all with my own hands.
Yeah. Hang on, I'll get the gear.
This is really nice, Gladys.
Nice house. Beautiful view.
Nice.
Garbage?
Here we are.
Got all the gear.
All the right equipment.
You've gotta have that.
Got the map?
What?
Oh, no. I don't have the map.
What do you mean?
Well, I used to have
it all the time, you see,
in the old days,
but I seem to have misplaced it,
you know?
Well, it'll turn up.
They always do.
Sure.
Maps turn up all the time.
Right, Mamie?
Oh, yeah. God, yes.
The world's just lousy with maps.
But not this one.
Come on, Ralph. I'll dig it out.
Hey!
Hold up, hold up.
That's all private stuff in there.
Oh my god.
We're never gonna find a map in here.
We'll find a map.
I'll find a map.
You sleep here?
Yeah, it's very cozy.
I built this house with my own hands.
Every bit of timber.
The stove, all the windows,
the door frame, everything
come up the river.
All driftwood, you know?
Everything comes up the
river if you wait for it.
Heyyyy.
Nice knockers, huh?
Yes. Well, it's the holes, you see?
Hey, you kind of go for that, huh?
Well, it covers up the holes.
There's a lot of draft in here.
What's the harm in
having a bit of colour
around the place, eh?
- If you like it, huh?
- If you like it,
ain't no harm in looking at it, right?
It's just the holes, you see.
And they cover them up.
Oh, gesundheit.
It's the dust, you know?
It gets up your schnozzle.
Now where's the bloody map, huh?
Oh, we might be needing these.
Oh, you play the violin?
What?
Oh, gee whiz, yeah.
Yeah, I'm a fiddler.
I want you to see this.
I carved this myself.
- It's all handmade, every bit.
- Oh my god.
Yeah.
No, don't play with that.
It holds it together.
You see, the nights are
long in the winter time here,
and it's about 20 below.
It gets a bit cold.
There's nothing much to do,
so I do a lot of carving,
you know, violins, Chinese puzzles.
Of course, I can go down and see Gladys,
but, well, you can't do
that every night, can you?
So... I fiddle.
I never had a lesson in my life.
Hey, what kind of rock is this?
Oh.
Oh, that's not your regular rock.
Oh, gee whiz, no.
That is your genuine, dyed in the wool,
hundred percent gold bearing rock.
- Really?
- Yeah, look at that glitter.
Hold it up there in the light.
You see?
Fantastic! You're right!
Mind you, there's more to it than that.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
You've gotta collect your specimens
and get 'em together and crush 'em.
You gotta crush 'em, you know?
You crush 'em by hand.
It's a lot of work, you know?
Put 'em through the sluice.
It's hard work down there by the river.
That's where I am,
sluicing and crushing the rocks.
- Sluicing?
- Yes.
It takes a half a ton of that rock
to render one ounce of gold dust.
It's a lot of work,
watching out for the snipers.
I'm no bleeding sniper, you know?
What do you mean?
What, do they shoot at you when you pan?
Bloody sni...
What?
Oh, no, no.
I don't mean...
No, not that kind of sniper.
A sniper is...
hey, the sniper is the guy who cleans out
the same crevice in the hard
bed year after year, you see?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
They're working the site to pieces.
Bastards!
It's a profession.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, you've gotta clean it by hand
just the same.
You've gotta sluice and...
Oh, gee whiz, it's a
lot of work, you know?
It is a lot of work.
It is a lot of...
it is a lot of work!
Yeah.
Rotating the pan, all that, judging the...
I see you've got
- one of my puzzles.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you know this is carved out of
one piece of wood.
Yeah, I was looking at it.
It's got this little bobby-dazzler
here. Goes up and down.
Yeah.
Oh, I've seen two depressions.
Come on, you two!
Stop messing around in there!
Seen the men in the box cars.
What about the map?
Got into the gold mines.
What?
The map?
Your map, Logan.
There ain't no map here.
I remember where I put
the little bugger now.
Yeah.
Always put maps in a safe place.
- You know...
- Jesus Christ!
- Sorry, excuse me.
- You gonna look for gold
or are you gonna shoot it?
Well, you can't go all
that way up over there
without a gun, you know?
Well, it wouldn't be safe.
Okay, that's it.
Bye-bye, I'm off.
Let me know when you've found it.
Hey, Gladys.
Gladys.
Please. We need all the hands we can get.
What for?
Well, for cooking and...
And screwing?
Well, cleaning, polishing, and...
Hey, Macy! Don't forget the gold.
Three-way split.
You could be kissing goodbye to a fortune.
Yeah.
Please.
Oh, you silly old bastard.
Psst.
Hey, Trixie.
Gladys.
What?
I'm freezing.
Are you freezing?
No.
Well, I am.
It'll cost you.
How much?
27.50.
27?!
50?
Tax.
Are you kidding, Henry?
Henry?
What?
What's that? What?
It's a bastard!
Bastard.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Gladys.
It's very cold.
Would you...
Go to sleep, Logan.
Mm.
Is that you, Gladys?
Bloody heathen.
Oh.
Hey, Gladys!
Well, go on. Get up and stop him.
Me?
Leave the bloody puttees. Go on.
Hey.
This is a house of God.
Huh?
This isn't right.
You know?
What are you talking about?
Who's stopping us?
What's the matter, Logan?
You don't like churches?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It was built for the Indians, you know?
It's old Indian country.
I don't see no totem poles.
All Indians.
Well... gotta take a tinkle.
They've all gone now.
Fuck
off.
I think it's the plugs.
Plugs?
Oh, gee. It's awful hot.
I thought it would be cooler up here.
You all right, Gladys?
Can I get you anything?
Me puttees is all loose.
Why do you wear those damned things?
What?
Those damned things.
Why do you wear them?
These is first great
World War puttees, these.
I'll have to rewind them.
Oh!
Thank God he knows what he's doing
on that bloody bike.
Well, he's quite clever, you know?
He's read books and stuff.
Books?
A lot of good they did me.
Yeah.
You never read no books.
I did too!
Well, you never told
me you read no books.
Well, do I have to tell you everything?
Eh, Gladys?
What?
What are you gonna
do with all the money?
What money?
From the gold.
Logan, I don't know.
My old dad, he knew what
he was gonna do with it.
Good.
Oh, gee whiz, yeah.
He was gonna set us up in a
posh house down by the park.
Very nice places they got down there.
And then he...
And then what?
He was gonna go around the world
in a balloon.
No wonder you are nuts.
In a balloon?
Well, they're not all
captive balloons, you know?
Oh, of course not.
No.
I mean, like in the war.
In the war they was attached to a cable.
That's what he was doing,
my old man, you see?
Six months intensive
training at Cardington Camp.
He told me all about it.
Going up and down all day,
standing out in this little basket
and pretending to seek Germans
and then when he was ready,
they sent him off to
France for the real thing.
And then what?
Well, there was this sergeant fella,
never did like my dad.
One morning he says,
"All right, Logan. This is it," he says.
"Up you go, boy.
You go up there and tell us
where their gunning placements are."
"Hold on a minute," my dad says.
He says, "Look here, Sergeant.
A bit foggy, isn't it?"
"No you mind that, boy,"
the sergeant says.
"You just get up there.
Up there's clear as a bell."
Well, it looked a bit foggy to my old dad.
Yeah, so he didn't go.
Oh yes, he went!
- He went?
- When duty calls!
Yeah, he went straight up
there, right up through the fog.
Almost hit the road, friends.
Well, he was all right though?
Well, he was, until the cable broke.
The cable broke?
Yeah, well, they couldn't
see him up there, you see?
He was going around and around for hours.
"Sod this lot," he thought, so he jumped.
- He jumped?
- Well, they had
these parachutes, you know?
But they didn't always work.
He come down like a bullet,
right through the officers' mess.
Right at dinner, it was.
Broke every bone in his body.
Gee whiz.
Well, I think your old
man is a bloody fool,
just like you.
And a lot of good he did for your mother
riding around in balloons
and digging up rocks!
You know, you're all alike.
Just screw 'em and leave 'em.
You tell him, babe!
Who's asking you?
He never dug up no rocks.
- Oh, come on!
- He dug up gold!
Enough to fill a gear bag,
300 pounds weight of it.
Oh, Logan! You're crazy!
Will you shut up?
Hold it right there, big red!
What the hell has got into you, lady?
Give the old guy a break, for God's sakes!
I'd break his bloody neck
if I could get my hands on it.
Are you listening to me?
Just cool out, and lay off his old man.
You had one once, didn't you?
Show some respect.
For drunks and bums?
You better believe it. For anyone.
We're all in the same boat.
Yeah, well, screw him and his old man.
So all right, so it
might mean nothing to you,
but to him, his old man was a prince.
Bastard!
Logan!
Hey, gee whiz.
This here tree saved me.
Hey, me bloody trousers.
I should have had me puttees on, eh?
I think you're in luck, you know.
I don't know. Let's see.
For you, Macy's Basement.
Go ahead, try 'em on.
Go ahead.
You got any gas in that thing?
Bullshit!
That's what it sounds like to me.
Oh, come off it, will you?
You're right.
Get a load of those duds, will you?
I picked out the dirt.
What's the matter? What's
wrong with a bit of colour?
Absolutely nothing.
You look dynamite.
Well, I'll put me puttees on.
Some right fancy
picking by May Carrington.
78 sunny degrees on WYRB,
country music day and night.
Greg!
Crikey!
Bastards!
Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!
Hey, Gladys. Are you all right?
What the hell are you trying
to do, Mazella? Kill us?
Oh, leave me alone for God's sake!
You're lucky you can still stand up.
Gladys, Gladys.
Oh my god.
Silly bugger.
He could have killed us.
- Gladys.
- Just look at him.
I never should have come.
Hi, how you doing?
I never wanted to.
I never did.
Where'd you get that shirt, mister?
Oh, you like it, huh?
Well, then.
Here.
It's yours.
Are you going hunting with a woman?
You must be crazy.
Come and have a drink with me.
Hey, friends.
Chief here wants us to
have a little drinkie.
You know, one for the road.
Oh.
I was very young at the time,
but I remember them Zeppelins, you know?
It was down by Wapping
Docks. Beautiful day,
and my old dad was there.
He was just back, wounded like, you know?
And there it was, just right up there,
just as clear as that cloud there.
Eh?
Great big fat bloody Zeppelin, hmm?
All glittering and shining in the sun.
Very, very graceful like, yeah.
And then suddenly bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
What?
What?
Right across the river.
My old daddy says, "Come on, my boy."
He says, "Come on, Ralph.
Listen, we better scarper.
We better go."
He said, "Them buggers is
bombing us, the bleeders."
Gee whiz.
Eh?
Chief?
I ain't never heard one of them.
Eh?
Them things with bomb.
Oh, gee whiz.
Yeah, they was big.
Hi, Chief.
What's happening?
How much
farther, for Christ's sake?
Huh?
How much farther?
A couple of hours, maybe.
I don't know. Ask him.
Eh?
I'll go get some coffee going.
No wonder you stayed in that
goddam shack for 30 years.
Right on.
Bloody bee!
- Bee!
- What?
Christ, here.
- What?
- Take this off.
Bloody bees.
- Here.
- Where is it?
I don't know, it's around the back.
No, it's not. It's around the front.
Where?
There's the bastard!
There!
A bloody moth.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking...
Mm-hmm.
How are we gonna carry all that gold
back home when we've got it.
It's heavy stuff, you know?
Heavy trip.
Yeah, it is heavy stuff.
That bike could carry an
elephant. Right, Trixie?
Up yours.
Well, we ought to
consider things like that.
You consider it.
You're the expert.
I feel like a cup of
coffee and some chow.
How about that, Logan?
Yeah, how about that, Logan?
I'll make us a nice fire, eh?
Hey, that Indian bloke back there,
what's his name...
Mickey Mouse.
Mouse?
Oh no, the
other one. The big fellow.
He seemed like a nice guy.
Friendly like.
Well, for an Indian, that is.
You a bigot, man?
Eh?
Mazella!
Oh my god!
Jesus!
My bike!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Goddamnit!
What?
The hand brake!
On the left!
Don't pick up any of that shit!
Oh dear.
Oh dear. Oh dear.
Look at that mother roll, will you!
Oh dear!
Oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear!
Oh my god!
Logan, I gotta hand it to you.
When you screw up, man,
you ain't whistling Dixie.
You go the whole hog.
It was an accident.
The whole human race is an accident!
Electronic fuel injection.
Double coil ignition.
Brand new stabiliser bar!
No insurance, babe.
He's very upset, Gladys.
I'm calling it quits, man.
It's all yours.
Gimme the beans.
I'll fart my way back.
Well, I don't know,
it's an awful long way back down there.
It's getting a bit parky.
It's over a hundred miles.
Don't you think we'd be safer
if we all stuck together?
Logan.
Logan, you're something else, man.
Well, we couldn't let old
Gladys go off all that way
all on her own, could we?
I mean, it wouldn't be right.
She's very highly strung,
you know, Miss Gladys.
Very highly strung.
She might do herself an
injury up there.
Besides, how's she gonna
carry all that gold, eh?
Just her on her own.
Come to think of it, how are
we gonna carry all that gold?
Hey,
come to think of it,
how are we gonna get back home?
All the way down there.
Several hundred miles.
She seems very uptight.
Oh, Gladys is a good woman,
all right.
But it's the people.
The people?
Yeah, the husband.
She's married?
What? Oh, yes, Gladys.
A long time ago now, of course.
Well, who is he?
He's in school.
School?
Yeah, a teacher named Varry, was...
No, I'm a liar. Douglas, that's it.
Oops.
Nice fella.
Big chap.
She was very ill, of course.
Aww.
Oh, yes.
15, 25 years ago, Gladys
was very, very ill.
It was Douglas.
The clap?
Exams, he said.
He had to go to...
what's the name of the place?
Special teacher exams.
So?
Well, he never come back.
He just stopped here, didn't he?
Eh?
Six months.
Six months what?
What?
Six months they was married.
Hold on, Gladys! We're coming!
- All right, Gladys?
- No.
Got any water in that thing, Mazella?
We're fresh out.
You want some gum?
Gum?
We'll have to make
due, Gladys, that's all.
I mean, it's not for long.
Well, we'll have to live
off the land, you know?
Hey, wait a minute.
Look at this lot.
You can't drink that.
What?
Of course you can bloody drink it.
It's from all the way up there.
That is snow.
That water is pure.
I ain't drinking that.
Goddam polluted water.
It's delicious.
Give me the beans.
Where's the can opener?
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, Gladys, Gladys, I
think I put it in your bag.
I seem to remember I put it in your bag.
I remember now. I put
it in there last night.
Oh, Logan.
It's at the bottom of the river
with the rest of the junk?
Junk, huh?
Junk!
Give me them beans.
You want beans? I'll give you beans.
Come on, Gladys.
Ah, shut up.
It could snow.
What's the time, Gladys?
You never asked me the time before.
What?
No.
Jingo, I never did.
Gee whiz.
Oh, come on.
Gladys, it's a mountain.
I know it's a mountain!
- Gladys?
- Yeah?
Look, it's shaped like a little lemon.
Just like he said.
It's like a big tit.
It's the Little Lemon!
Gladys!
- Give us a kiss!
- Oh!
The Little Lemon!
Logan!
Wait a minute.
- Easy.
- Oh, give me some water.
Easy.
Oh, gee whiz.
You all right?
I don't know.
What happened?
I must have passed out.
It's true, I...
Bastards, bastards, bastards!
Oh.
Oh.
All that gallivanting up and down.
I never should have come.
Blasted bleeding gold mine...
Now look, just shut up.
This little bloody lemon.
Shut up!
I never wanted...
Get this into your mouth.
There.
Now you listen.
You're here.
He's here and I'm here.
And up there...
Who done that?
We got ourselves a fortune, Henry.
We hope.
Henry?
Hey.
Hey.
Yahoo!
Okay. Beautiful, Logan.
Where do we start?
Oh. Oh, geez whiz.
I gotta get me bearings, you know?
I've gotta check things out.
Hey, it's a bit parky up here.
It could snow, eh?
I gotta check the map.
Oh, whoops.
Where's Gladys, eh?
She's up there.
What do you got there?
Oh, it's...
It's a magazine.
- Magazine?
- 1939.
So it must have been dad's.
Jesus, this is something.
"Is Hitler Really the Enemy?"
That's hot stuff.
Nothing changes.
Can you dig what they
were laying down?
Dig?
Miles of it.
Hey, Logan. What's this?
Hey, look!
Huh?
Oh.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
That... is... it!
That's the main working.
Yeah!
It has to be.
Well?
Well, it was a lot of work, you know.
Must have been a lot of work.
Two year...
It was a lot of work!
Two years, he...
Hello, what's this?
Hey, it's all blocked up!
Years ago!
- What's happened?
- What's the matter?
Bastards!
Bastards!
Bastards!
The whole bloody working!
It's the roof bleeding.
It's the bleeding roof.
It's all caved in.
The main working, we'll
never get through there now.
That'd take us years.
What are you getting at, man?
Where the hell does that leave us?
Leave him alone. Can't
you see he's thinking?
Logan, you better not
be shitting me, man.
I spent a lot of time on your trip!
Lay off him, Mazolla.
Talk to him, will you, Gladys?
He only had this one donkey, you see.
Just this one little old fella.
Well, he couldn't take
all that heavy stuff
all by his self, you see?
So he left some of it here.
He thought he'd come back for it later.
Then the winter started, and
well, he said to himself,
"I'll leave it under the floor."
You see?
It'll be safer under the floor.
How far into the shaft
do we gotta go?
Oh, a long way.
He had to blast, you see?
Oh, you'd never get through there now.
It's all finished now, you see?
But that's all right.
That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Sure, that's all right.
It's just hunky-dory!
You see, he didn't
put it under that floor.
He's too smart.
He knew the roof was gonna fall in.
Well, he was right, wasn't he?
Logan?
Who?
Logan, where's the gold?
Where is the gold?
Where is the gold?
I remember now, Gladys.
It's under the floor, like he told me.
Down there, eh?
In the shack.
- In the shack?
- In the shack.
In the shack?
Did you hear that, you mothers?
It's in the shack!
That's a funny way to carry on, Gladys.
Yelling like that.
He'll learn.
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Wait! We've got gold, Logan!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Oh!
Oh, don't...
I don't wanna hurt you.
You busted up the place...
You should respect the dead!
- My old man built that place...
- Cut it out.
With his own bloody hands, you bastard!
Well, up your old man's ass!
- You bloody...
- All right, now just...
Now look, enough is enough!
Stop!
Now that...
That...
That... is... enough!
My eye!
My eye!
Bastards!
You could have put my eye out!
Let me see.
Get him off me.
- Get him off me!
- Bloody old bastard!
Get some water.
Right.
Right.
Right.
I've got the water here.
Mazella, I've never done
nothing like that before.
I don't know what
- came over me...
- You're safe in New York,
I'll tell you.
Okay. Well, you asked for it.
No, no, no.
Oh, look at that bleeding eye.
No, I shouldn't have done it, really.
Oh, come on.
- Well, I'm sorry, man.
- Let's get cracking. Come on.
I don't want the water.
It's now or never.
Are you sure it's here?
Oh yes. It's here all right.
He told me all about it.
It's underneath the floor.
It's right here in the middle.
Bastard!
You cold, Logan?
Eh?
- You cold?
- Yeah, bloody...
I'm bloody cold, mate.
Here. That's for your head.
- Oh, gee whiz, thank you.
- We've got two cans of beans
and one tin of sardines.
Well, we've got some biscuits, Gladys.
Only there all that's good.
We've got gold, ain't we?
Can you eat it?
We'll hunt for something.
Yeah, that's it.
Live off the land, right?
With what?
His gun.
See, I told you it'd come in, didn't I?
Is it loaded?
You never can tell.
Oh, you don't go around
with a loaded gun.
That's asking for trouble, isn't it?
Why don't you load the gun?
Maybe we'll bag a couple of bunnies.
Well, you see, you know
them cartridge things,
them bullets, you know?
Well, I kind of mislaid them.
Mislaid 'em?
Yeah.
You mean you forgot 'em?
In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Did you hear that, Gladys?
Log forgot the bullets.
You see I... in all the rush,
well, I only found out
about it yesterday.
Or was it the day before?
I disremember.
I didn't wanna bother you two,
you know?
Oh, let's stop the
bullshit and figure out
how we're gonna get home.
Oh, it's a long way
down there, Gladys.
And that gold is heavy stuff, isn't it?
You ain't kidding. I almost
got a hernia last night.
Eh?
Well, we got cable.
Yeah, we've got loads of cable.
We've got... it's blasting cable, you know?
The old man used it for blasting.
We've got rope.
The axe.
We've got an axe
and an adze, actually.
Well, I'll tell you something, folks.
We ain't walking home, that's for sure.
I ain't at least.
You gonna fly?
No, but the next best thing.
What?
Well, that little old river down there.
It's gonna carry us all the way home.
You're going to swim?
Eh?
Swim?
Jesus.
Lift this thing up in the air like this.
All right, it's okay?
That's about it, maybe.
Now that'll steer her.
Rudder.
Gladys?
Everybody ready for breakfast?
That's all she wrote.
Boy, that's a very croupy cough.
Yeah, well you spend two
nights up on that mountain,
what do you expect?
The main thing is...
here.
You gotta keep your cool.
Oh.
Gladys.
'Cause we're gonna keep to the edge.
Everything's in control, Gladys.
Yeah, well I hope
this time you're right.
I've got a biscuit.
I was on a boat once.
Really?
Yeah.
That's how I got out
here in the first place.
The Queen...
No.
Princess?
Empress?
Of England.
That's right. Empress of England.
Beautiful boat.
She was all painted white, you know?
Come out of Liverpool.
It was a bit sad at first, you know?
Eh, Gladys?
Leaving me mother and
all my friends, you know,
looking down there,
seeing all the bags of
relatives and all that,
all waving down from the...
What do you call it?
Dock.
The dock, yeah.
I'll always remember Uncle...
Charlie.
Yeah, Auntie Marge and
Violet standing there,
the boat, you know,
moving gently up and down,
and they were down there
looking up at me, waving away...
old Margo, and all made up
with lipstick and stuff.
She yelled up at me. She
yelled, "Bon voyage, Ralph!"
Then she puked all over Violet's dress.
Of course, it was pissing with rain,
lots of gray stuff hanging around, right?
Well, I thought, "There's
nothing I can do about this."
So I went downstairs to
see where all the grub was,
you know, the food in there.
You did?
Oh, yeah.
Bloody acres of it.
All them waiters, eh?
Well, when I went back upstairs,
the bleeding land had gone.
All I could see was the fog
and the sound of Auntie
Margo retching away.
Did you get sick?
Me?
No, ate me guts out.
Caviar and...
gee whiz.
Well, are you boys ready?
Let's move out.
Gladys, right there.
On the count of three, you push.
Don't sweat it.
Logan.
Here's the rope.
Keep it taut, all right?
Keep the rope taut.
On the count of three:
One, two, three.
We push, you hold tight.
Aye aye.
One.
Two.
Three.
Logan!
My dear, no.
Logan!
Logan!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Logan!
Well...
Bastards.
That's that.
Bastard!
Bloody flies, eh?
It's gonna rain.
Well, you can always tell
when they come buzzing around.
Oh, my bloody nose.
It's not so goddam funny, Gladys.
Come on, Gladys.
Let's get our stuff.
Come on, Gladys.
You coming, Mazolla?
Bloody flies, eh?
Bastards.
Bastards.
Bastards!
Bastards!
Bastards.
Gee whiz
...all those fellas out there
at Ma and Pa Littles
out on the Highway 24.
It's a restaurant out
there that we've been
telling you about all week.
It's a nice place to eat.
It's truly good country cooking there.
Ma and Pa Littles. Happy
to see you 24 hours a day.
24 hours a day.
AHIK Country, country music.
I've got some dust.
Dust.
How you doing?
That's good stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, man. Excuse me.
Do you carry enchiladas?
You know, in a can?
I got escargot, pickled walnut,
Song Gong wonton soup,
Arctic chars, and gefilte fish,
but I definitely don't have enchiladas.
I got the beans.
Well, come on. How much?
You got beans?
Six bucks.
Six bucks?
Which way you going, man?
Want a ride?
Bugger off. God, off it.
Bastards.
Hey!
Are you crazy?
Break my car and scratch paint?
Oh, scratch your ears, Cochise.
It was an accident.
- He's right.
- Yeah, I saw it.
You old bum.
Who are you calling "old bum"?
Get your dukes up. Come
on, get your dukes up!
Bum.
Bastard.
- Jesus.
- Bastard.
Bastard!
- You...
- My shoulder.
You dropped your...
Hey, this machine,
- is it damaged?
- I gotta get to a doctor.
Doctor?
Oh, gee whiz, your spectacles.
Bloody motorists.
The minute they get into a car
they think they own the bloody road, eh?
- You're telling me.
- Bastards.
Doctor?
No, there's no doctor here.
Well, I could take you to Gladys.
Whatever, man.
Hop in.
Gee whiz, I've never...
Come on!
Okay.
Which way?
It's the corner of Third
Avenue and Prospector.
- Third Avenue?
- Yes!
Bloody bastards.
They're worse than bloody snipers.
Who's Gladys?
- Gladys?
- Is she a nurse?
Well, she's a good woman.
- Snipers?
- Hey, are these things safe?
Bloody snake, that bastard, eh?
I could have taken him.
Well, Gladys will fix you up.
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys.
It's a cute place you got here.
Kinda noisy.
Eh?
Beautiful yard.
Oh, yeah. Well it, isn't mine, you see?
I kip here sometimes.
Kip?
Yes. I've got my own
place. My own house
out of town across the river there.
Gladys!
Gladys!
Have you finished beating
the shit out my door?
Oh.
Sorry, Gladys.
Oh!
Oh, that's it. I've had it.
That's it.
Is she your buddy, man?
What?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
Gladys?
You all right, Gladys?
Go away!
Gladys.
Bloody hole.
Bloody people.
- Come on.
- Who the hell is that?
The name's Mazella, friends.
You won't find any
bloody friends around here.
They're all half dead,
just like this old bunch of garbage.
What's the matter, you got the cramps?
He fell on his motorbike.
He hurt his shoulder.
Yeah, well it serves him right.
Gladys, could you...
Come here.
Logan, go and heat some water.
Right.
Take your shirt off.
Okay.
Easy.
Okay, easy.
Easy.
Jesus Christ, man!
None of that bloody
language around here.
Come here.
Well, there are no bones broken.
You got a nice lump, though.
Oh, it feels good.
Wonder you didn't kill
yourself on that death machine.
It carried me all the
way from the Big Apple.
What's the Big Apple?
New York.
New York?
You gotta be nuts.
What about my old buddy down there?
Logan?
Crazy old bum.
Funny you should say that.
Well, he is.
Feel good?
It's really great. Really great.
Well, there you are.
You'll live.
Oww!
Here it is, all steamy.
Oh!
You let people stand
all over you, Logan.
That's the trouble.
You've been sitting in that shack
ever since I can remember,
talking gold.
Shh, shh, Gladys.
Don't shush me, you old sod.
You haven't found enough to fill a tooth.
That's a lie to start with.
I can tell you I get it regular.
Mm-hmm.
Every month, Gladys.
You know that.
Yeah, so what'd you
get the last time? Six dollars.
And the time before
that, four bloody fifty.
Well, it's getting better.
It's always getting bloody better.
Come on, what is it with you guys?
You're doing great, man.
You're a gold miner, ain't you?
Last of a dying breed.
How would you know?
You'd last 10 minutes.
Working'd kill you.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Listen, lady. I paid my dues.
Leavenworth and Fort Dix.
Uncle Sam got no flies on Mazella.
Oh yes.
I've been grabbing gold for years.
Know all about it.
It's the critical analysis, you see.
When they test it for you.
They can tell right away.
There's good and bad, you see.
Well, of course, I only get the good sort.
...because it's the best, you see.
You ever seen this?
It's a book.
"Lost Mines and Treasures
of the Pacific Northwest."
Gee whiz.
That's right.
I read it from cover to cover.
You wanna know something, man?
This book is dynamite.
Oh, God.
I picked it up last summer.
I was in the village looking for a job,
wearing a shirt and a tie.
Was on a whole other trip.
Trip?
It was sweltering. Middle of August.
By 11 o'clock in the
morning, I was sopping wet,
so I duck into this little store,
corner of Bleecker and
Thompson, bookstore.
It says air conditioned
for your comfort, right?
So I go in, I'm cooling off,
browsing around the porno, faking it,
and this guy comes over
to me, the owner, he goes,
"Can I help you?"
So I don't know, I said,
"You got any books about fresh
air? The great outdoors?"
I figured I'd get him the ecology bit.
Turns out he's got a whole wall of them.
So I picked this one, random.
Nice pictures.
Four bucks.
Oh, yes.
There was a lot of mines out here.
Heaps of mines.
Of course, a lot of 'em was figments.
You need a lot more than books
to find any gold around here.
Ain't no harm in trying, lady.
Figments?
Imagination figments. Phony like.
But an expert could tell
for sure, like yourself.
Logan, an expert?
Oh, yes.
You've gotta know your stuff,
have all the right gear.
Should I tell him, Gladys?
You tell him anything you want, Logan.
The fact is I actually own a gold mine.
Oh, Logan. Come off it.
You don't even know where it is.
He hasn't even been
there, for Christ's sake.
Well, wait a minute.
Is it true?
Oh, yes.
The Little Lemon.
My old dad, he left it to me, see?
Lemon is right.
It was too late when I got out here,
- you see, from England.
- Mm-hmm.
He'd been working Little
Lemon for three years,
and he had to come back
into town that winter
because of the sickness, you see.
He just couldn't carry all that stuff,
just him on his own.
It's heavy stuff, you see.
Stuff? What stuff?
Well, the gold, mate.
- 300 pounds...
- 300 pounds?!
300 pounds is heavy.
It's a hundred miles up over
there to the Little Lemon.
"Ralph," he said. "Take
care of our old mum.
Tell her I'm sorry.
You go back there in the springtime,"
he said. "And bring it all back.
She'll like that," he said.
Then he give me the papers and the map.
Then he died.
Serves him bloody well right
leaving your old lady
high and dry like that.
He was fine, my father.
He fought the Germans, Royal Engineers,
Balloon Division, A Company, 1917.
Oh, wow. This is a
weird trip with you two.
What the hell are you talking about?
Why don't you just go away?
Go back to your bookstore.
No, don't go.
The war broke out, and then I
got this letter about our mum.
Huh?
Oh, dear. Yes.
Yes, the Jerrys.
They dropped a landmine.
We have a nice little cherry tree
out in the back by the shed, you see?
It was hanging there one
morning from a parachute.
Cherry tree?
No, the landmine.
Well, of course the army come.
They says, "Out!
Out, missus! Get out, get out, get out!"
Well, our mom says, "I
ain't leaving my house.
Not for no Jerry bomb," she says.
Then she shut the door, see?
- Well...
- Go ahead.
Half hour later,
there's this corporal fella.
He's swinging from the bomb,
and he's tapping it with a little hammer.
Well, of course it went off.
Nothing left after that,
just a bloody great hole in the ground.
Well, I suppose it's all covered in now.
I mean, that's 35 years ago.
Gee whiz, huh?
Nothing to go back for.
I mean, all the gold in the world's
no good to you if you're dead now, is it?
You should know.
Eh?
You should know!
Wait a minute.
Look, I tell you what I'd like to do.
For a share in the proceeds,
I'll stake your trip up there.
On that bike thing?
You gotta be joking.
I wasn't asking you, lady.
Well, I don't know.
It's hard country. Very difficult.
Easy to lose your way.
You got a map, don't you?
Eh?
The map.
Map?
Yeah. Of course I've got a map.
Man, you're so full of
old-fashioned bullshit
that it's coming out of your ears,
and I'm gonna tell you
something else, Henry.
Henry?
If there is this Little Lemon mine,
I think that you're
scared of going out there
and actually doing a deed.
Scared?
Scared? Did you hear that, Gladys?
I'm sorry, Logan.
This time he's right.
Scared?
I think you're chicken.
Chick...
Chick...
Scared? Nobody calls me scared!
Put your dukes up!
- Oh!
- Come on, get 'em up!
Sit down,
- you silly old sod.
- Bastard, bastard!
- Bastard!
- That is it!
And as for you, if you
think you're gonna con me
into some cockamamie caper on
that thing, just forget it.
I picked it up from a guy in Flatbush.
- Flat?
- Bush!
Brooklyn.
He was stealing out of the
back seat, 'til he got busted.
Busted?
Yeah. Cops.
You know?
I got it from his old man real cheap.
Well, three wheels are better than two,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, and it's all tuned up.
You know, special...
I forget, some sort of sprocket.
Yeah.
This is a great spot.
Yeah.
Nice view.
- You built it?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, gee whiz, yes.
I built it all with my own hands.
Yeah. Hang on, I'll get the gear.
This is really nice, Gladys.
Nice house. Beautiful view.
Nice.
Garbage?
Here we are.
Got all the gear.
All the right equipment.
You've gotta have that.
Got the map?
What?
Oh, no. I don't have the map.
What do you mean?
Well, I used to have
it all the time, you see,
in the old days,
but I seem to have misplaced it,
you know?
Well, it'll turn up.
They always do.
Sure.
Maps turn up all the time.
Right, Mamie?
Oh, yeah. God, yes.
The world's just lousy with maps.
But not this one.
Come on, Ralph. I'll dig it out.
Hey!
Hold up, hold up.
That's all private stuff in there.
Oh my god.
We're never gonna find a map in here.
We'll find a map.
I'll find a map.
You sleep here?
Yeah, it's very cozy.
I built this house with my own hands.
Every bit of timber.
The stove, all the windows,
the door frame, everything
come up the river.
All driftwood, you know?
Everything comes up the
river if you wait for it.
Heyyyy.
Nice knockers, huh?
Yes. Well, it's the holes, you see?
Hey, you kind of go for that, huh?
Well, it covers up the holes.
There's a lot of draft in here.
What's the harm in
having a bit of colour
around the place, eh?
- If you like it, huh?
- If you like it,
ain't no harm in looking at it, right?
It's just the holes, you see.
And they cover them up.
Oh, gesundheit.
It's the dust, you know?
It gets up your schnozzle.
Now where's the bloody map, huh?
Oh, we might be needing these.
Oh, you play the violin?
What?
Oh, gee whiz, yeah.
Yeah, I'm a fiddler.
I want you to see this.
I carved this myself.
- It's all handmade, every bit.
- Oh my god.
Yeah.
No, don't play with that.
It holds it together.
You see, the nights are
long in the winter time here,
and it's about 20 below.
It gets a bit cold.
There's nothing much to do,
so I do a lot of carving,
you know, violins, Chinese puzzles.
Of course, I can go down and see Gladys,
but, well, you can't do
that every night, can you?
So... I fiddle.
I never had a lesson in my life.
Hey, what kind of rock is this?
Oh.
Oh, that's not your regular rock.
Oh, gee whiz, no.
That is your genuine, dyed in the wool,
hundred percent gold bearing rock.
- Really?
- Yeah, look at that glitter.
Hold it up there in the light.
You see?
Fantastic! You're right!
Mind you, there's more to it than that.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
You've gotta collect your specimens
and get 'em together and crush 'em.
You gotta crush 'em, you know?
You crush 'em by hand.
It's a lot of work, you know?
Put 'em through the sluice.
It's hard work down there by the river.
That's where I am,
sluicing and crushing the rocks.
- Sluicing?
- Yes.
It takes a half a ton of that rock
to render one ounce of gold dust.
It's a lot of work,
watching out for the snipers.
I'm no bleeding sniper, you know?
What do you mean?
What, do they shoot at you when you pan?
Bloody sni...
What?
Oh, no, no.
I don't mean...
No, not that kind of sniper.
A sniper is...
hey, the sniper is the guy who cleans out
the same crevice in the hard
bed year after year, you see?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
They're working the site to pieces.
Bastards!
It's a profession.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, you've gotta clean it by hand
just the same.
You've gotta sluice and...
Oh, gee whiz, it's a
lot of work, you know?
It is a lot of work.
It is a lot of...
it is a lot of work!
Yeah.
Rotating the pan, all that, judging the...
I see you've got
- one of my puzzles.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you know this is carved out of
one piece of wood.
Yeah, I was looking at it.
It's got this little bobby-dazzler
here. Goes up and down.
Yeah.
Oh, I've seen two depressions.
Come on, you two!
Stop messing around in there!
Seen the men in the box cars.
What about the map?
Got into the gold mines.
What?
The map?
Your map, Logan.
There ain't no map here.
I remember where I put
the little bugger now.
Yeah.
Always put maps in a safe place.
- You know...
- Jesus Christ!
- Sorry, excuse me.
- You gonna look for gold
or are you gonna shoot it?
Well, you can't go all
that way up over there
without a gun, you know?
Well, it wouldn't be safe.
Okay, that's it.
Bye-bye, I'm off.
Let me know when you've found it.
Hey, Gladys.
Gladys.
Please. We need all the hands we can get.
What for?
Well, for cooking and...
And screwing?
Well, cleaning, polishing, and...
Hey, Macy! Don't forget the gold.
Three-way split.
You could be kissing goodbye to a fortune.
Yeah.
Please.
Oh, you silly old bastard.
Psst.
Hey, Trixie.
Gladys.
What?
I'm freezing.
Are you freezing?
No.
Well, I am.
It'll cost you.
How much?
27.50.
27?!
50?
Tax.
Are you kidding, Henry?
Henry?
What?
What's that? What?
It's a bastard!
Bastard.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Gladys.
It's very cold.
Would you...
Go to sleep, Logan.
Mm.
Is that you, Gladys?
Bloody heathen.
Oh.
Hey, Gladys!
Well, go on. Get up and stop him.
Me?
Leave the bloody puttees. Go on.
Hey.
This is a house of God.
Huh?
This isn't right.
You know?
What are you talking about?
Who's stopping us?
What's the matter, Logan?
You don't like churches?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It was built for the Indians, you know?
It's old Indian country.
I don't see no totem poles.
All Indians.
Well... gotta take a tinkle.
They've all gone now.
Fuck
off.
I think it's the plugs.
Plugs?
Oh, gee. It's awful hot.
I thought it would be cooler up here.
You all right, Gladys?
Can I get you anything?
Me puttees is all loose.
Why do you wear those damned things?
What?
Those damned things.
Why do you wear them?
These is first great
World War puttees, these.
I'll have to rewind them.
Oh!
Thank God he knows what he's doing
on that bloody bike.
Well, he's quite clever, you know?
He's read books and stuff.
Books?
A lot of good they did me.
Yeah.
You never read no books.
I did too!
Well, you never told
me you read no books.
Well, do I have to tell you everything?
Eh, Gladys?
What?
What are you gonna
do with all the money?
What money?
From the gold.
Logan, I don't know.
My old dad, he knew what
he was gonna do with it.
Good.
Oh, gee whiz, yeah.
He was gonna set us up in a
posh house down by the park.
Very nice places they got down there.
And then he...
And then what?
He was gonna go around the world
in a balloon.
No wonder you are nuts.
In a balloon?
Well, they're not all
captive balloons, you know?
Oh, of course not.
No.
I mean, like in the war.
In the war they was attached to a cable.
That's what he was doing,
my old man, you see?
Six months intensive
training at Cardington Camp.
He told me all about it.
Going up and down all day,
standing out in this little basket
and pretending to seek Germans
and then when he was ready,
they sent him off to
France for the real thing.
And then what?
Well, there was this sergeant fella,
never did like my dad.
One morning he says,
"All right, Logan. This is it," he says.
"Up you go, boy.
You go up there and tell us
where their gunning placements are."
"Hold on a minute," my dad says.
He says, "Look here, Sergeant.
A bit foggy, isn't it?"
"No you mind that, boy,"
the sergeant says.
"You just get up there.
Up there's clear as a bell."
Well, it looked a bit foggy to my old dad.
Yeah, so he didn't go.
Oh yes, he went!
- He went?
- When duty calls!
Yeah, he went straight up
there, right up through the fog.
Almost hit the road, friends.
Well, he was all right though?
Well, he was, until the cable broke.
The cable broke?
Yeah, well, they couldn't
see him up there, you see?
He was going around and around for hours.
"Sod this lot," he thought, so he jumped.
- He jumped?
- Well, they had
these parachutes, you know?
But they didn't always work.
He come down like a bullet,
right through the officers' mess.
Right at dinner, it was.
Broke every bone in his body.
Gee whiz.
Well, I think your old
man is a bloody fool,
just like you.
And a lot of good he did for your mother
riding around in balloons
and digging up rocks!
You know, you're all alike.
Just screw 'em and leave 'em.
You tell him, babe!
Who's asking you?
He never dug up no rocks.
- Oh, come on!
- He dug up gold!
Enough to fill a gear bag,
300 pounds weight of it.
Oh, Logan! You're crazy!
Will you shut up?
Hold it right there, big red!
What the hell has got into you, lady?
Give the old guy a break, for God's sakes!
I'd break his bloody neck
if I could get my hands on it.
Are you listening to me?
Just cool out, and lay off his old man.
You had one once, didn't you?
Show some respect.
For drunks and bums?
You better believe it. For anyone.
We're all in the same boat.
Yeah, well, screw him and his old man.
So all right, so it
might mean nothing to you,
but to him, his old man was a prince.
Bastard!
Logan!
Hey, gee whiz.
This here tree saved me.
Hey, me bloody trousers.
I should have had me puttees on, eh?
I think you're in luck, you know.
I don't know. Let's see.
For you, Macy's Basement.
Go ahead, try 'em on.
Go ahead.
You got any gas in that thing?
Bullshit!
That's what it sounds like to me.
Oh, come off it, will you?
You're right.
Get a load of those duds, will you?
I picked out the dirt.
What's the matter? What's
wrong with a bit of colour?
Absolutely nothing.
You look dynamite.
Well, I'll put me puttees on.
Some right fancy
picking by May Carrington.
78 sunny degrees on WYRB,
country music day and night.
Greg!
Crikey!
Bastards!
Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!
Hey, Gladys. Are you all right?
What the hell are you trying
to do, Mazella? Kill us?
Oh, leave me alone for God's sake!
You're lucky you can still stand up.
Gladys, Gladys.
Oh my god.
Silly bugger.
He could have killed us.
- Gladys.
- Just look at him.
I never should have come.
Hi, how you doing?
I never wanted to.
I never did.
Where'd you get that shirt, mister?
Oh, you like it, huh?
Well, then.
Here.
It's yours.
Are you going hunting with a woman?
You must be crazy.
Come and have a drink with me.
Hey, friends.
Chief here wants us to
have a little drinkie.
You know, one for the road.
Oh.
I was very young at the time,
but I remember them Zeppelins, you know?
It was down by Wapping
Docks. Beautiful day,
and my old dad was there.
He was just back, wounded like, you know?
And there it was, just right up there,
just as clear as that cloud there.
Eh?
Great big fat bloody Zeppelin, hmm?
All glittering and shining in the sun.
Very, very graceful like, yeah.
And then suddenly bang, bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
What?
What?
Right across the river.
My old daddy says, "Come on, my boy."
He says, "Come on, Ralph.
Listen, we better scarper.
We better go."
He said, "Them buggers is
bombing us, the bleeders."
Gee whiz.
Eh?
Chief?
I ain't never heard one of them.
Eh?
Them things with bomb.
Oh, gee whiz.
Yeah, they was big.
Hi, Chief.
What's happening?
How much
farther, for Christ's sake?
Huh?
How much farther?
A couple of hours, maybe.
I don't know. Ask him.
Eh?
I'll go get some coffee going.
No wonder you stayed in that
goddam shack for 30 years.
Right on.
Bloody bee!
- Bee!
- What?
Christ, here.
- What?
- Take this off.
Bloody bees.
- Here.
- Where is it?
I don't know, it's around the back.
No, it's not. It's around the front.
Where?
There's the bastard!
There!
A bloody moth.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking...
Mm-hmm.
How are we gonna carry all that gold
back home when we've got it.
It's heavy stuff, you know?
Heavy trip.
Yeah, it is heavy stuff.
That bike could carry an
elephant. Right, Trixie?
Up yours.
Well, we ought to
consider things like that.
You consider it.
You're the expert.
I feel like a cup of
coffee and some chow.
How about that, Logan?
Yeah, how about that, Logan?
I'll make us a nice fire, eh?
Hey, that Indian bloke back there,
what's his name...
Mickey Mouse.
Mouse?
Oh no, the
other one. The big fellow.
He seemed like a nice guy.
Friendly like.
Well, for an Indian, that is.
You a bigot, man?
Eh?
Mazella!
Oh my god!
Jesus!
My bike!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Goddamnit!
What?
The hand brake!
On the left!
Don't pick up any of that shit!
Oh dear.
Oh dear. Oh dear.
Look at that mother roll, will you!
Oh dear!
Oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, oh dear!
Oh my god!
Logan, I gotta hand it to you.
When you screw up, man,
you ain't whistling Dixie.
You go the whole hog.
It was an accident.
The whole human race is an accident!
Electronic fuel injection.
Double coil ignition.
Brand new stabiliser bar!
No insurance, babe.
He's very upset, Gladys.
I'm calling it quits, man.
It's all yours.
Gimme the beans.
I'll fart my way back.
Well, I don't know,
it's an awful long way back down there.
It's getting a bit parky.
It's over a hundred miles.
Don't you think we'd be safer
if we all stuck together?
Logan.
Logan, you're something else, man.
Well, we couldn't let old
Gladys go off all that way
all on her own, could we?
I mean, it wouldn't be right.
She's very highly strung,
you know, Miss Gladys.
Very highly strung.
She might do herself an
injury up there.
Besides, how's she gonna
carry all that gold, eh?
Just her on her own.
Come to think of it, how are
we gonna carry all that gold?
Hey,
come to think of it,
how are we gonna get back home?
All the way down there.
Several hundred miles.
She seems very uptight.
Oh, Gladys is a good woman,
all right.
But it's the people.
The people?
Yeah, the husband.
She's married?
What? Oh, yes, Gladys.
A long time ago now, of course.
Well, who is he?
He's in school.
School?
Yeah, a teacher named Varry, was...
No, I'm a liar. Douglas, that's it.
Oops.
Nice fella.
Big chap.
She was very ill, of course.
Aww.
Oh, yes.
15, 25 years ago, Gladys
was very, very ill.
It was Douglas.
The clap?
Exams, he said.
He had to go to...
what's the name of the place?
Special teacher exams.
So?
Well, he never come back.
He just stopped here, didn't he?
Eh?
Six months.
Six months what?
What?
Six months they was married.
Hold on, Gladys! We're coming!
- All right, Gladys?
- No.
Got any water in that thing, Mazella?
We're fresh out.
You want some gum?
Gum?
We'll have to make
due, Gladys, that's all.
I mean, it's not for long.
Well, we'll have to live
off the land, you know?
Hey, wait a minute.
Look at this lot.
You can't drink that.
What?
Of course you can bloody drink it.
It's from all the way up there.
That is snow.
That water is pure.
I ain't drinking that.
Goddam polluted water.
It's delicious.
Give me the beans.
Where's the can opener?
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, Gladys, Gladys, I
think I put it in your bag.
I seem to remember I put it in your bag.
I remember now. I put
it in there last night.
Oh, Logan.
It's at the bottom of the river
with the rest of the junk?
Junk, huh?
Junk!
Give me them beans.
You want beans? I'll give you beans.
Come on, Gladys.
Ah, shut up.
It could snow.
What's the time, Gladys?
You never asked me the time before.
What?
No.
Jingo, I never did.
Gee whiz.
Oh, come on.
Gladys, it's a mountain.
I know it's a mountain!
- Gladys?
- Yeah?
Look, it's shaped like a little lemon.
Just like he said.
It's like a big tit.
It's the Little Lemon!
Gladys!
- Give us a kiss!
- Oh!
The Little Lemon!
Logan!
Wait a minute.
- Easy.
- Oh, give me some water.
Easy.
Oh, gee whiz.
You all right?
I don't know.
What happened?
I must have passed out.
It's true, I...
Bastards, bastards, bastards!
Oh.
Oh.
All that gallivanting up and down.
I never should have come.
Blasted bleeding gold mine...
Now look, just shut up.
This little bloody lemon.
Shut up!
I never wanted...
Get this into your mouth.
There.
Now you listen.
You're here.
He's here and I'm here.
And up there...
Who done that?
We got ourselves a fortune, Henry.
We hope.
Henry?
Hey.
Hey.
Yahoo!
Okay. Beautiful, Logan.
Where do we start?
Oh. Oh, geez whiz.
I gotta get me bearings, you know?
I've gotta check things out.
Hey, it's a bit parky up here.
It could snow, eh?
I gotta check the map.
Oh, whoops.
Where's Gladys, eh?
She's up there.
What do you got there?
Oh, it's...
It's a magazine.
- Magazine?
- 1939.
So it must have been dad's.
Jesus, this is something.
"Is Hitler Really the Enemy?"
That's hot stuff.
Nothing changes.
Can you dig what they
were laying down?
Dig?
Miles of it.
Hey, Logan. What's this?
Hey, look!
Huh?
Oh.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
That... is... it!
That's the main working.
Yeah!
It has to be.
Well?
Well, it was a lot of work, you know.
Must have been a lot of work.
Two year...
It was a lot of work!
Two years, he...
Hello, what's this?
Hey, it's all blocked up!
Years ago!
- What's happened?
- What's the matter?
Bastards!
Bastards!
Bastards!
The whole bloody working!
It's the roof bleeding.
It's the bleeding roof.
It's all caved in.
The main working, we'll
never get through there now.
That'd take us years.
What are you getting at, man?
Where the hell does that leave us?
Leave him alone. Can't
you see he's thinking?
Logan, you better not
be shitting me, man.
I spent a lot of time on your trip!
Lay off him, Mazolla.
Talk to him, will you, Gladys?
He only had this one donkey, you see.
Just this one little old fella.
Well, he couldn't take
all that heavy stuff
all by his self, you see?
So he left some of it here.
He thought he'd come back for it later.
Then the winter started, and
well, he said to himself,
"I'll leave it under the floor."
You see?
It'll be safer under the floor.
How far into the shaft
do we gotta go?
Oh, a long way.
He had to blast, you see?
Oh, you'd never get through there now.
It's all finished now, you see?
But that's all right.
That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Sure, that's all right.
It's just hunky-dory!
You see, he didn't
put it under that floor.
He's too smart.
He knew the roof was gonna fall in.
Well, he was right, wasn't he?
Logan?
Who?
Logan, where's the gold?
Where is the gold?
Where is the gold?
I remember now, Gladys.
It's under the floor, like he told me.
Down there, eh?
In the shack.
- In the shack?
- In the shack.
In the shack?
Did you hear that, you mothers?
It's in the shack!
That's a funny way to carry on, Gladys.
Yelling like that.
He'll learn.
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Wait! We've got gold, Logan!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Oh!
Oh, don't...
I don't wanna hurt you.
You busted up the place...
You should respect the dead!
- My old man built that place...
- Cut it out.
With his own bloody hands, you bastard!
Well, up your old man's ass!
- You bloody...
- All right, now just...
Now look, enough is enough!
Stop!
Now that...
That...
That... is... enough!
My eye!
My eye!
Bastards!
You could have put my eye out!
Let me see.
Get him off me.
- Get him off me!
- Bloody old bastard!
Get some water.
Right.
Right.
Right.
I've got the water here.
Mazella, I've never done
nothing like that before.
I don't know what
- came over me...
- You're safe in New York,
I'll tell you.
Okay. Well, you asked for it.
No, no, no.
Oh, look at that bleeding eye.
No, I shouldn't have done it, really.
Oh, come on.
- Well, I'm sorry, man.
- Let's get cracking. Come on.
I don't want the water.
It's now or never.
Are you sure it's here?
Oh yes. It's here all right.
He told me all about it.
It's underneath the floor.
It's right here in the middle.
Bastard!
You cold, Logan?
Eh?
- You cold?
- Yeah, bloody...
I'm bloody cold, mate.
Here. That's for your head.
- Oh, gee whiz, thank you.
- We've got two cans of beans
and one tin of sardines.
Well, we've got some biscuits, Gladys.
Only there all that's good.
We've got gold, ain't we?
Can you eat it?
We'll hunt for something.
Yeah, that's it.
Live off the land, right?
With what?
His gun.
See, I told you it'd come in, didn't I?
Is it loaded?
You never can tell.
Oh, you don't go around
with a loaded gun.
That's asking for trouble, isn't it?
Why don't you load the gun?
Maybe we'll bag a couple of bunnies.
Well, you see, you know
them cartridge things,
them bullets, you know?
Well, I kind of mislaid them.
Mislaid 'em?
Yeah.
You mean you forgot 'em?
In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Did you hear that, Gladys?
Log forgot the bullets.
You see I... in all the rush,
well, I only found out
about it yesterday.
Or was it the day before?
I disremember.
I didn't wanna bother you two,
you know?
Oh, let's stop the
bullshit and figure out
how we're gonna get home.
Oh, it's a long way
down there, Gladys.
And that gold is heavy stuff, isn't it?
You ain't kidding. I almost
got a hernia last night.
Eh?
Well, we got cable.
Yeah, we've got loads of cable.
We've got... it's blasting cable, you know?
The old man used it for blasting.
We've got rope.
The axe.
We've got an axe
and an adze, actually.
Well, I'll tell you something, folks.
We ain't walking home, that's for sure.
I ain't at least.
You gonna fly?
No, but the next best thing.
What?
Well, that little old river down there.
It's gonna carry us all the way home.
You're going to swim?
Eh?
Swim?
Jesus.
Lift this thing up in the air like this.
All right, it's okay?
That's about it, maybe.
Now that'll steer her.
Rudder.
Gladys?
Everybody ready for breakfast?
That's all she wrote.
Boy, that's a very croupy cough.
Yeah, well you spend two
nights up on that mountain,
what do you expect?
The main thing is...
here.
You gotta keep your cool.
Oh.
Gladys.
'Cause we're gonna keep to the edge.
Everything's in control, Gladys.
Yeah, well I hope
this time you're right.
I've got a biscuit.
I was on a boat once.
Really?
Yeah.
That's how I got out
here in the first place.
The Queen...
No.
Princess?
Empress?
Of England.
That's right. Empress of England.
Beautiful boat.
She was all painted white, you know?
Come out of Liverpool.
It was a bit sad at first, you know?
Eh, Gladys?
Leaving me mother and
all my friends, you know,
looking down there,
seeing all the bags of
relatives and all that,
all waving down from the...
What do you call it?
Dock.
The dock, yeah.
I'll always remember Uncle...
Charlie.
Yeah, Auntie Marge and
Violet standing there,
the boat, you know,
moving gently up and down,
and they were down there
looking up at me, waving away...
old Margo, and all made up
with lipstick and stuff.
She yelled up at me. She
yelled, "Bon voyage, Ralph!"
Then she puked all over Violet's dress.
Of course, it was pissing with rain,
lots of gray stuff hanging around, right?
Well, I thought, "There's
nothing I can do about this."
So I went downstairs to
see where all the grub was,
you know, the food in there.
You did?
Oh, yeah.
Bloody acres of it.
All them waiters, eh?
Well, when I went back upstairs,
the bleeding land had gone.
All I could see was the fog
and the sound of Auntie
Margo retching away.
Did you get sick?
Me?
No, ate me guts out.
Caviar and...
gee whiz.
Well, are you boys ready?
Let's move out.
Gladys, right there.
On the count of three, you push.
Don't sweat it.
Logan.
Here's the rope.
Keep it taut, all right?
Keep the rope taut.
On the count of three:
One, two, three.
We push, you hold tight.
Aye aye.
One.
Two.
Three.
Logan!
My dear, no.
Logan!
Logan!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Logan!
Well...
Bastards.
That's that.
Bastard!
Bloody flies, eh?
It's gonna rain.
Well, you can always tell
when they come buzzing around.
Oh, my bloody nose.
It's not so goddam funny, Gladys.
Come on, Gladys.
Let's get our stuff.
Come on, Gladys.
You coming, Mazolla?
Bloody flies, eh?