The Rainbow Bridge Motel (2018) Movie Script
1
WELCOME TO
FLIGHT 238 FROM PHOENIX.
PLEASE PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE
FROM BAGGAGE CLAIM THREE.
COME ON.
THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT.
YOU GET THE BAGS.
I'LL SCOPE THE PLACE OUT.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S MINE.
NO.
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, DUDE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
COME ON, COME ON!
I HAVEN'T POSTED
ANYTHING ALL DAY!
OKAY.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
OVER THERE?
JUST HUMILIATING MYSELF
IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE CROSS
SECTION OF PHOENIX.
THIS... IS OUR FIRS WEDDING POST.
WHAT? WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?
WE'RE HERE. NIAGARA FALLS.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED HERE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
YEAH. COME ON.
WE GOTTA GET GOING
OR WE'RE GONNA MISS
THE FREE SHUTTLE.
GROUND TRANSPORTATION
INCLUDED.
- YEAH.
- HM. VERY NICE.
THAT QUEERPON PACKAGE
YOU BOOKED IS AMAZING.
- THANK YOU. OKAY, ONE MORE.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S PARTY.
HEY, LET US PARTY!
COME ON.
COME ON.
HEAD TO THE HILLS, BABY.
HEAD TO THE HILLS.
...POWER INVESTED IN ME BY
THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,
I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU--
IS IT "INVESTED"?
MY GOD, I SHOULD HAVE
VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.
POWER INVESTED--
POWER VESTED.
REALLY? I DON'T KNOW YET?
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
GRANDPA,
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD.
DO I SMELL C.K. ONE?
YEP. YEP, I THINK SO.
YOU LIKE IT?
UM, YES, IT'S--
IT'S VERY NICE.
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?
IT'S KIND OF COOL, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, IN A 1995 SORT OF WAY.
- WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
- WHAT?
ARE THOSE THE MAGICAL MISTS OF
THE FALLS OR HAS MY VISION BECOME
A PERMANENT FRENCH
IMPRESSIONIST PAINTING?
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING
NIAGARA FALLS FOR OUR WEDDING.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
A MINISTER AND A PASTOR
AND A RABBI--
OH, AND A KAY'S
JEWELRY SALESMAN.
AND RARELY
HAVE I SEE TWO WOM--
PEOPLE--
UH, TWO WOM-- PEOPLE--
WOM-PEOPLE MORE IN LOVE
THAN YOU... MAYA?
RUSSELL.
RUSSELL.
RUSSELL AND MAYA.
I'M JUST SO CAUGHT UP IN
THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE HERE
AND EXPRESSED TODAY, I--
IT'S A L-- IT'S A L--
GET THE MUSIC
AND THE RICE READY.
UH, WHITE RICE OR BROWN RICE?
WHITE RICE. THE BROWN RICE IS
FOR THE DINNER THEY REQUESTED.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
UM, WHY ARE WE DRIVING AWAY FROM THE FALLS?
EXCUSE ME, DRIVER.
SIR, ARE WE GOING
THE WRONG WAY?
TELL YOU MORE THERE.
WE ARE CLOSE.
WE ARE STAYING
IN NIAGARA FALLS?
YEAH, NIAGARA FALLS.
ALMOST THERE.
NO WORRY.
DARREN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW,
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO
WHEN NONE OF THIS
COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLE,
ESPECIALLY IN MY GRANDFATHER'S
ERA WHEN HE BUILT THIS PLACE.
BUT HERE WE ARE.
SO, WITH THE POWER
INVESTED IN ME
FROM THE GREAT STATE
OF NEW YORK,
I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU...
OH, BOY. UH...
MAN AND, UH, W--
YOU KNOW, WE PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND.
WE GOT A NEW FORM
WE'RE WORKING OUT,
A LITTLE CHECKLIST THING,
BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO GO FIRST,
AND YOU GUYS...
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY,
LIKE, HUSBAND AND WIFE IF--
THE MARRIED COUPLE!
- CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR BAG PLEASE?
- NO, NO.
OH, OKAY.
WHAT THE HELL?
DARREN! NAH,
THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.
DARREN, TELL ME
THIS IS A MISTAKE.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
TWO MEN. TWO MEN.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S OBVIOUSLY
NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IN ITS OWN WAY, IT'S--
OH, MY GOD,
IS THAT A CHEMICAL PLANT?
WHAT IS SPEWING OUT OF
THOSE SMOKESTACKS? DARREN!
- I...
- DARREN!
WELCOME TO
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
I'M SHIBBAWITZ.
CAN I TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM?
COME ON.
THIS WAY PLEASE.
IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.
TWO MEN!
TWO MEN!
SO YOU GUYS ARE NEXT. OH!
AREN'T THEY A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE?
LOOK AT THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU,
ARE THOSE MUTTONCHOPS?
WELL, ALL THE WAY
FROM PHOENIX. INCREDIBLE.
I GOT YOU
IN THE ROCK HUDSON ROOM.
IT'S GOT IT'S OWN
HEART-SHAPED VALENTINE BED.
YEAH, AND DON'T FORGE TO VISIT OUR SUNDRIES SHOP.
WE'VE GOT FACE CREAMS
AND CONDITIONERS
AND TUBS AND TUBS
OF VASELINE.
OKAY, SO I WANT YOU
TO ENJOY YOUR STAY,
TIM'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU,
AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.
WHAT IS THIS?
THIS HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
THE BIGGEST DAY OF MY--
OUR LIFE.
WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
I THINK
I'M BREATHING IN BENZENE.
YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S BENZENE.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST STEAM.
I'M A DETOX FITNESS COUNSELOR,
DARREN. I KNOW MY BODY,
AND I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE A FULL ON BONG HI FROM A SMOKESTACK
TO KNOW WHAT'S KILLING ME.
LISTEN,
I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS--
I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS
ON OUR WEDDING.
HI. THAT'S YOUR ROOM.
YOU LIKE COLOR TV?
WOW. THEY ARE AWARE THAT GAY
PEOPLE SLEEP TOGETHER, RIGHT?
MAYBE IT'S A PART OF THE JANE
SEYMOUR OPEN HEART COLLECTION.
MORE LIKE THE ROCK HUDSON
CLOSETED COLLECTION.
WOW!
ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING
AT THIS?
I HATE TO SAY IT,
BUT THIS IS THE EXAC "AESTHETIC FROM BRANSON" PUB
THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR,
ISN'T IT?
- IT'S COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC.
- WHAT?
THERE'S NOT A PLACE
WITHIN 2,000 MILES OF PHOENIX
- THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
- THANK GOD!
EVERYONE WANTS TO CAPTURE THIS
MID-CENTURY INDUSTRIAL LOOK,
AND WE'RE IN ITS EPICENTER.
YOU'RE NOT DEFENDING
THIS PLACE.
NO, I'M JUST MAKING A COMMENT.
DARREN, DARREN,
THIS IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
LOOK AT THE WAY
THE PIPES WIND AROUND.
THAT'S NEVER CAPTURED.
THERE'S EVEN BEAUTY
TO ITS STRANGE DESOLATION.
YOU ARE SO FUCKING
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M A DESIGNER, DEAN.
YOU'VE GOTTA LET GO OF
ALL THE NEGATIVE CONNECTIONS
THAT EVERYONE'S LAPPED ON IT.
WHAT, LIKE CANCER,
HOPELESSNESS, DEATH?
LIKE BOLDNESS, LIKE PROGRESS,
INNOVATION.
THESE ARE NOT REMNANTS
OF DESPAIR,
BUT RELICS OF ONE OF THE GREATES CENTURIES IN HUMAN HISTORY.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT?
MY PEE IS DAY-GLO YELLOW.
LIKE AFTER YOU TAKE
A TON OF VITAMINS,
BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN
ANY VITAMINS!
IT'S THIS AIR AND THIS WATER
THIS ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
LOOK. IT'S THERE.
I'M NOT LOOKING.
BELIEVE ME,
SMELLING IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
IS THAT THE QUEERPON PRINTOUT?
- NO.
- I'M FIXING THIS.
THIS IS COMPLETELY INACCURATE.
WHERE ARE THE MAGICAL MISTS?
WHERE ARE THE THUNDERING RAPIDS?
I'M SO SORRY.
ANOTHER ROOM?
ANOTHER ROOM--
ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE.
WE UPGRADE.
BRAND NEW ROOM.
BETTER VIEW. YES.
BETTER VIEW OF WHAT?
THE TOXIC SLUDGE PIT OUTSIDE?
I DEMAND A FULL REFUND.
WHERE'S NIAGARA FALLS?
AH!
THIS IS NIAGARA FALLS.
IT'S ACTUALLY THE CITY
OF NIAGARA FALLS.
YES, UH, HERE.
YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
STUNNING NIAGARA FALLS,
ONE OF THE EARLY GREA INDUSTRIAL CITIES OF AMERICA.
ALL POWERED BY NIKOLA TESLA'S
IMAGINATION AND DEDICATION
TO HARNESSING THE GREAT,
MIGHTY NIAGARA
TO POWER
THE INDUSTRIAL MONUMENTS
THAT COMPRISE
THE STUNNING VIEWS
OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
IT IS GLORIOUS.
WHERE ARE YOU READING THAT?
- RIGHT HERE.
- OH, ON THE SIDE MARGIN.
NO ONE ACCEPTS THAT AS VALID,
FUNCTIONAL ONLINE REAL ESTATE.
MY IPAD CAN'T EVEN READ THAT.
I ASSURE YOU, YOU ARE GOING
TO HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDDING.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
OUT BED APPEARS
TO BE CUT IN HALF.
I'M TALKING TO SAYA RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GONNA FIX IT.
YOU KNOW, LOOK,
HE'S AN OLD MAN.
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND,
AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?
HE SEES TWO MEN.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND LIKE THE OTHERS.
LIKE THE DRIVER AND HIS '90S
DISCO BALL LASER PRIDE SHOW.
REALLY, YOU DIDN'T--
YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT, HUH?
EXCUSE ME,
I HATE TO BOTHER YOU BOTH,
BUT OUR REFRIGERATOR
IN OUR ROOM ISN'T WORKING
AND IT'S IMPORTAN THAT THIS STAYS COLD.
IT'S MY MEDICINE.
YEAH, NO PROBLEM. WE'LL JUST PU THIS IN THE BACK OFFICE FRIDGE,
AND YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.
RIGHT, UH-- OH.
INTRODUCE US, PLEASE.
OH, THIS IS, UM...
- DEAN.
- RUSSELL.
WE'RE BOTH SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU.
IT WAS PERFECT.
DON'T FORGET TO GIVE US A
BIG HIGH RANKING ON QUEERPON.
WE'RE HAVING
OUR RECEPTION PARTY TOMORROW.
COULD ALWAYS USE
A FEW MORE BODIES.
SHOULD WE PAY THE BALANCE NOW?
NO PROBLEM. YEAH.
YEAH, WELL,
I'M GONNA COME BACK LATER.
YOU KNOW, I COULD ALWAYS UPGRADE YOU
TO THE FATHER OF THE BRADY BUNCH ROOM.
I AM TELLING YOU,
IT'S SPECTACULAR.
IT'S A GREAT CORNER VIEW.
THIS TIME OF YEAR,
PEOPLE ARE REQUEST IT ALL THE TIME.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
WELL, I FAILED.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO GET US OUT OF HERE.
OH, GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ARE NOT UNPACKING.
NO. NO, BUT...
I DO HAVE THE DESIGN
FOR THE PUB.
- LOOK.
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT A SHITHOLE.
THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
TO THIS INDUSTRIAL LOOK
THAN EXPOSED AIR DUCTS
AND BRICK.
LOOK AT THESE LARGE JOINTS,
THE DIFFERENT PIPES
THAT JOIN EVERYTHING TOGETHER,
THE VARIOUS METALLIC SHADES.
OH, MY BRAIN IS FIRING OFF.
I'M GLAD THAT YOU GO ALL THIS CREATIVE INSPIRATION
FROM THAT GIANT MESS
OUT THERE,
BUT WE ARE NOT STAYING HERE.
MMM.
REALLY? HELLO. HELLO.
JUST--
OH, NO, DON'T--
YOU'RE GONNA RIP IT.
- DARREN-- OKAY.
- OKAY, OKAY.
YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IT.
CAN'T YOU SEE IT?
I CARE MORE ABOU THE LOOK OF OUR WEDDING,
NOT WHAT A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN
PHOENIX HIPSTERS THINK
AS THEY TRY TO GE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE
DOWN TO A COMFORTABLE 107.
ALL RIGHT, WOW. OKAY.
- WOW.
- WHAT?
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- NOTHING. NOTHING.
NO, WHAT WERE YOU GOING
TO SAY?
IT'S JUST, YOU'D THINK YOU'D GET SOME
ARTISTIC BENEFITS MARRYING A GAY MAN.
WELL, WE'RE GONNA GO THERE.
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION
A GAY BONE IN MY BODY?
HUH.
YOU BOOKED OUR WEDDING
IN SOME RUNDOWN MOTOR LODGE
IN A FORGOTTEN
BLUE COLLAR FREAK SHOW.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO
UNBOOK IT...
NOW.
- FINE.
- THANK YOU.
DEAN.
HERE, THE CRAZY CLOWN COMB
IS ONLY 12 MORE TICKETS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU
A SCREWDRIVER.
HERE. HERE YOU GO.
REALLY? WHAT? WHAT?
THEY SNAP TOGETHER? WHAT?
TWO WORDS. JACK, HAMMER.
JACKHAMMER.
YOU WANT A JACKHAMMER.
SOUNDS LIKE... ALL RIGHT,
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HURRY IT UP.
A TEA PARTY CONVENTION,
DARREN,
AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU-- I
TRUSTED YOU WITH BOOKING OUR WEDDING.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
MAYBE IF YOU WOULD LET ME WATCH
FOX NEWS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON,
I'D BE UP ON THESE
SORT OF THINGS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I DON'T MEAN
WATCHING HANNITY ALL NIGHT LONG,
BUT CAVUTO'S NOT THAT BAD.
OKAY, FINE.
YOU KNOW, I HATE FOX NEWS.
BUT I LIKE
ANDERSON COOPER...
HOW DID YOU GET SNOOKERED
INTO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I SAW THE CRAZY
LOW PACKAGE PRICE,
AND I GOT ALL EXCITED.
YOU WERE SHOPPING
FOR OUR WEDDING
LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO BUY
A CHARGER CORD ON EBAY.
NO, I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING,
AND SUDDENLY SOMETHING
CAUGHT MY EYE,
AND I JUST STARTED
CLICKING ON IT.
YOU KNOW, DEAN,
SHIT HAPPENS.
NO, SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN,
DARREN.
NOT ON YOUR WEDDING.
IT JUST DOESN'T.
DEAN.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO SELL
ANY BARRELS, WOULD YOU?
YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN,
OH, I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT MY SIZE?
NO? YOU SHOULD REALLY
CONSIDER IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE COT?
DOES HE KNOW?
DID YOU TELL HIM THAT--
THAT THERE'S GAY MEN
SLEEPING TOGETHER HERE?
DOES HE KNOW?
DID YOU TELL HIM?
DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT...
NO, NO.
THEN WHY DOES HE THINK HE'S
PUTTING THE BED BACK TOGETHER?
SHE CAN'T TELL HIM.
WHAT? KHIN, KHIN,
HE'S GONNA FIND OUT EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?
THE WOMAN FROM THE AGENCY'S
COMING TOMORROW. THE AGENCY?
SHE'S GONNA APPROVE
OUR EXTENSION.
WE CAN'T LOSE GUESTS.
WHAT?
PROBLEM.
WE CAN'T TELL HIM.
OH, GOD. I--
HMM.
GREAT.
OH... MY... GOD.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE CAN MAKE IT WORK, HUH?
IN AN IRONIC WAY, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JUST GO WITH I AND FIND A SHUTTLE
TO TAKE US HERE.
YEAH, WE COULD DO THIS.
WE'RE GAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
DIDN'T WE INVEN CULTURAL IRONY?
EXACTLY.
I MEAN, IF ANDY WARHOL CAN MAKE
AN ORDINARY OLD SOUP CAN
- INTO AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION...
- YES.
IF ANDY COHEN CAN TAKE
DESPICABLE, SPOILED HOUSEWIVES
AND TURN IT INTO DELICIOUS
ENTERTAINMENT...
WOW, I NEVER REALIZED HOW GAY
THE NAME ANDY WAS.
I GET IT.
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE QUEERS
GETTING MARRIED.
- IT'S ALL GOOD.
- IT'S GREAT.
APPARENTLY...
NOT GAY ENOUGH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
YOU'RE LOOKING AROUND
TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT LOOK?
IT'S THE ONLY LOOK I KNOW.
THERE'S ABOU A THOUSAND VERSIONS OF IT.
OH, BARREL, BARREL.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE A BARREL?
OH, MAYBE I CAN GO DOWN
TO THE CAN JAM.
JOKE ALL YOU WANT,
BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
I WAS JUST BEING MINDFUL.
MINDFUL OF WHAT?
IF THE WORLD WILL ACCEPT US?
THERE'S A CONVENTION GOING ON.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT MAN ENOUGH...
TO BE AN ANDY.
HOW ABOUT AN ANDY DICK?
HELLO.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOT BES TO BE AN ANDY RIGHT NOW.
MORE LIKE A BUCK OR A RAMBO.
PLEASE, THOSE NAMES
ARE GAYER THAN ANDY.
- HA, HA!
- HI.
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU
IS NOT AN EXAMPLE
OF THE DECLINE
OF YOUR BELOVED AMERICA.
BUT I RESPECTIVELY OFFER
THAT WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU
IS THE ULTIMATE
EXAMPLE OF AMERICAN PROGRESS
AND LIBERTY.
CAN THERE BE ANYTHING
MORE DEMONSTRATIVE
OF AMERICAN FREEDOM
THAN TWO MEN
OPENLY EXPRESSING THEIR LOVE
FOR ONE ANOTHER
WITHOUT THE FEAR
OF GETTING KILLED?
OR MAIMED.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE...
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU!
- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!
- HUH.
AND WE'RE GETTING
MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED.
SHIT.
AND, UH, THREE. RUN.
YES.
OKAY, CAN YOU TAKE
A PEEK UP THERE,
JUST FOR ME?
I'LL LIFT YOU UP?
- JUST A QUICK PEEK.
- IS THAT OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
DON'T EVER DO THIS.
BUT WE HAVE A WEDDING
TO PUT ON RIGHT?
AND I GOTTA KNOW
IF THEY CAME BACK,
SO COME ON.
I'LL LIFT YOU.
PUT THIS AWAY.
HERE. HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, READY?
UNH! WHAT DO YOU SEE?
I SEE TWO MEN.
REALLY? OKAY,
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.
THEY'RE NAKED ON THE BED.
REALLY? WELL,
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.
WAIT, WAIT. ONE SECOND.
THEY'RE SPOONING.
GET DOWN.
GO, GO, GO. JUST GO.
GOOD MORNING, DARREN.
DEAN-- DARREN.
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
- I WAS GONNA SLIP THIS UNDER YOUR DOOR.
- OH.
THIS IS THE PLAYLIS FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION.
YEAH, THERE WE MAKE SOME
SUGGESTIONS OF SONGS,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
BOBBY GOLDSBORO,
"LAST DANCE." HIS COVER.
YOU CAN'T--
I'M TELLING YOU,
WHEN YOU HEAR IT,
THERE'S A QUALITY.
AND THEN THERE'S STUFF
FOR CONTEMPORARY STUFF,
RIGHT? YOU KNOW?
LIKE "BEYONCE" RIGHT THERE.
OKAY. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
MY PEE IS STILL
GLOW IN THE DARK.
AND I'M TRUSTING YOU, DARREN.
DEAN? DEAN, COME HERE.
IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.
OH, HELLO.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, I JUST DECIDED
THAT I AM GOING TO THROW IN
AN UPGRADE FOR YOU BOTH--
THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS
TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE JACUZZI.
GIVE YOU GUYS A CHANCE
TO KIND OF BE
FLAM... BOUYANT.
DO YOU WANT SOME?
NO, NO.
GREAT. MORE FOR ME.
SO, YOU SIGN THIS HERE
AND HERE,
AND THAT ALLOWS ME
TO PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
I SEE THAT YOU BOTH CHECKED
NONDENOMINATIONAL CEREMONY,
SO I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO PUT ON
MY NONDENOMINATIONAL CAP.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I WAS THINKING,
MAYBE WE COULD JUST HAVE, LIKE,
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT THE
WHOLE THING TO BE DEVOID OF GOD.
SURE, I CAN THROW IN GOD
REFERENCES ALL DAY, IF YOU LIKE.
GREAT. GREAT. VERY WELL.
I GOT THE PAPERS,
YOUR MARRIAGE PAPERS BACK FROM THE STATE,
AND APPARENTLY THERE'S
A GLITCH OF SORTS.
I'M SURE YOU GUYS HAD A CHANCE
TO DISCUSS THIS BY NOW.
DISCUSS WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. WHAT?
- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
- NO.
REALLY?
YOU HAVEN'T GONE OVER THIS?
WHAT IS IT?
DARREN, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SAY SOMETHING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
REALLY? OKAY. WELL--
OH. OH, SHIT.
WHAT? IS SOMEBODY
GOING TO CLUE ME IN?
WHAT, ARE YOU A RUSSIAN
SLEEPER AGENT? A PISCES?
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE
A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER?
NO, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL BE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, HOW SHOULD WE PUT THIS?
DARREN IS MARRIED.
WHA--
YOU'RE MAR-- WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN,
YOU SON OF A BITCH?
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE
A BIG DEAL.
OKAY, LISTEN,
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
IT WAS TO A WOMAN.
ACTUALLY, YEAH.
A MAGGIE SMITH.
OH, AND THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
- NO--
- IT'S SHOWING UP THAT THE DIVORCE
HASN'T BEEN
OFFICIALLY TERMINATED,
SO MAGGIE JUST HAS TO COME
AND SIGN
A LITTLE DOCUMENT HERE,
AND EVERYTHING CAN GO BACK
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
OKAY, SEE? SEE? LOOK.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, DEAN.
I THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD'VE
SIGNED THE DAMN THINGS
AND SENT THEM IN.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT.
YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT?
YOU FORGOT THAT YOU WERE STILL MARRIED?
NO, I DIDN'T FORGE ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
- JUST GIVE US A SECOND.
- OKAY, SURE.
LOOK,
AFTER THE MARRIAGE FAILED,
I JUST WENT ON WITH MY LIFE,
YOU KNOW, AS A GAY MAN.
AND I CAME TO ACCEP THE HARSH REALITY
THAT I WOULD PROBABLY
NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.
GUYS, IF YOU CAN REMEMBER,
IT WAS JUST A SHORT TIME AGO
THAT IT WAS UNIMAGINABLE
FOR TWO MEN TO GET MARRIED.
OH, DON'T USE THAT CARD.
I AM USING THAT CARD
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- AND, LOOK, I JUST--
- WHO-- WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M THE SAME GUY I WAS
FIVE MINUTES AGO, DEAN.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
BI, CLOSETED STRAIGHT,
A LIAR.
OKAY, STOP IT. STOP IT.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YEAH, OKAY,
WELL, WHAT DARREN IS SAYING
IS THAT HE'S
A COMMITTED GAY MAN AND, UH--
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
IT ONLY LASTED TWO YEARS.
WE WERE YOUNG.
I MEAN, SHE WAS NICE,
BUT IT WAS COMPLETELY
MEANINGLESS AND WRONG.
NO, THE WEDDING.
I ASSUME YOU HAD A WEDDING.
YEAH, IT WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE,
PERFUNCTORY
RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM,
TON OF FOOD,
YOU KNOW, IT WAS A--
A REAL WEDDING.
A REAL WEDDING.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
A "REAL" WEDDING?
WHAT IS THIS?
OH, LOOK!
YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ARRIVED.
HEY, GUYS.
GUYS, COME ON.
THIS IS GONNA BE
A GREAT WEDDING.
DEAN, I WILL CALL MAGGIE.
I WILL MAKE SURE
THAT SHE SIGNS THE PAPERS.
IT'LL BE GREAT.
IT'LL BE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
A REAL WEDDING, HUH?
JUST WOW.
HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THIS CALL?
I LEFT HER.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY.
HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS?
LOVE FINDS A WAY.
A WOMAN! YEAH!
- IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BUT...
- VERY BAD.
HEY, WAIT, YOU GUYS
ARE NOT DOWN ON DARREN, ARE YOU?
FOR WHAT? FOR REACHING INTO THOSE
CHERRY TOMATOES AT THE SALAD BAR?
I MEAN, THE GUY'S BEEN THERE.
HE'S DONE THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU DON'T WANT HIM THINKING
AND DOING AND QUESTIONING
AND GAY MIND-FUCKING
YOUR MARRIAGE.
YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR PAS BECAUSE YOU
ARE HIS FUTURE NOW.
NAMASTE.
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE'S DONE EXPERIMENTING?
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.
I JUST HAVE
A BIGGER SALAD BAR.
MORE LIKE A VEGAS BUFFET.
JUST AS LONG
AS THEY KEEP ON BRINGING OU THOSE BREAKFAST SAUSAGES...
HEY, YOU GUYS
WANNA JOIN THE PARTY?
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME.
GO AHEAD INSIDE NOW.
PARTY!
SOUNDS GOOD, MY BROTHER.
MORE LIKE HALF-BROTHER.
BUT STILL PAR OF THAT GLORIOUS RAINBOW.
COME ON, PEOPLE, NOW!
YEAH,
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
WOW. I'M NOT SURE
MY HEALTH INSURANCE
- COVERS ME FOR THIS WEDDING.
- OKAY.
HELLO, MAGGIE?
HI, IT'S DARREN.
DARREN.
UH, DARREN
YOUR FORMER HUSBAND DARREN.
YEAH.
WELL, I-- I'M DOING.
I'M DOING.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
HELLO?
I GOT SOME INTERFERENCE.
HOLD ON.
IS THAT BETTER?
GREAT, GREAT.
OH, HI, MAGGIE--
OH, GOD!
NO, NO, NO, DON'T HANG UP.
WHAT?
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
AN EASY JOB.
YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.
THIS IS
THE ROCK HUDSON UPGRADE.
HE JUST WANTED TO
TAKE IT APAR TO FIND THE CLOG
IN THE PIPE.
HE WANTS TO KNOW
THE LAST TIME IT WAS WORKING.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST, LIKE, FROZE UP
DURING IN THE BLIZZARD OF '77,
AND I DON'T THINK
IT EVER MELTED INSIDE.
DON'T TELL HIM THAT!
EVEN THOUGH I THINK THAT'S
ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT IS HE-- IS HE--
AT LEAST I GO THE YEAR RIGHT.
TO THE GAY MARRIED LIFE!
RUSSELL, MAYA...
LET'S ALL GROW OLD TOGETHER.
- YEAH.
- YES. LET'S!
DOES THIS EVEN COUN AS A GAY WEDDING?
I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, AREN'T THEY
A HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I'M JUST SAYING, TECHNICALLY
THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WAI FOR THE SUPREME COURT RULING,
ONLY UNTIL RUSSELL'S
HORMONES KICKED IN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE
THE "T" OUT OF LGBT, HUH?
- THANK YOU.
- OOH, NOW, THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY NICE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS, TALK TO DARREN,
FIND OU IF OUR WEDDING IS REAL.
IF YOU ASK ME,
HE PLAYS IT A LITTLE TOO STRAIGH TO BE ON OUR SIDE
OF THE FIELD.
I MEAN, NOT THAT THERE'S
ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
I MEAN, I KIND OF LIKE THEM
LIKE THAT, TOO,
BUT TO MARRY?
YOU BE CAREFUL.
OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!
OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!
SO, I'VE DECIDED--
I HAVE TO GET IN THE SHOWER.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME
THAT WE HAVE A REAL WEDDING.
- DEAN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER.
- NO--
- RIGHT NOW.
NO, YOU NEED TO HEAR ME.
I CAN'T.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
- WHAT-- IS THAT YOU?
- YES, IT'S ME. OKAY?
AMAZINGLY, ONE OF YOUR TOXIC
PARANOID FANTASIES
HAS ACTUALLY MATERIALIZED...
ALL OVER ME,
AND I HAVE TO GE IN THE SHOWER.
RIGHT NOW.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS
IS THAT MAGGIE'S AGREED
TO SIGN THE PAPERS
AND DRIVE UP.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
SHE JUST NEVER REMARRIED,
SO SHE NEVER SENT THEM IN.
- SHE'LL SIGN EVERYTHING.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WAS?
MY CHARM. BEING NICE.
NO, THE HORRIBLE LIQUID
ON YOU. WHAT IS IT?
SOME SORT OF SLUDGE.
IT SEEMS TO BE COMING OFF.
I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE
IS KILLING US!
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
OUT OF THE JACUZZI?
UP FROM THE CRACKS
IN THE SIDEWALK?
OH, NO, NOT THE BED.
THERE'S BEEN A SPILL
AT THE CHEMICAL PLANT!
WE'VE GOTTA GE OUT OF HERE NOW!
STOP IT!
IT'S ALMOST ALL OFF.
I WAS TRYING TO GET RECEPTION AND
PRIVACY AND AWAY FROM THE MUSIC,
AND SOMEHOW
I WALKED OUT THERE.
RELAX, I WAS, LIKE,
A HUNDRED YARDS FROM THE MOTEL.
BELIEVE ME,
NO ONE'S VENTURING OUT THERE.
LIBERATE YOURSELF!
NO FEAR!
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
MY GOD.
TAKE THIS.
I BELIEVE THERE'S
A MISTAKE HERE.
IS THERE ANOTHER
RAINBOW BRIDGE HOTEL
OR RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
OUR GPS BROUGHT US HERE.
I MEAN, WE KNOW THAT THERE'S
AN ACTUAL RAINBOW BRIDGE,
BUT THIS CANNO POSSIBLY BE IT.
WELCOME TO THE ONE AND ONLY
RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
AND YOU TWO MUST BE DEAN--
DARREN'S PARENTS.
AM I RIGHT?
- DARREN'S? ARE--
- THIS IS IT?
JUST ONE SECOND.
THEY'RE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE
THE NEW RECRUITS FOR NEXT YEAR.
TAKE THAT THING OFF NOW!
- THIS IS YOUR SON'S WEDDING!
- IN A SECOND!
THEY'RE GONNA NAME
THE NEW QUARTERBACK.
DON'T YOU CARE?
IT'S THE QUARTERBACK.
THIS COULD DETERMINE
THE FATE OF THE BUCKEYES
FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!
- YOU ARE SICK.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S A MIRACLE THAT I'M EVEN
PICKING UP COLUMBUS
RIGHT ON THE BORDER
OF CANADA.
HE SAYS THIS IS THE PLACE.
OKAY, FINE.
WHERE'S OUR ROOM?
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN
WHERE YOU ARE?
YEAH, IT'S A DUMP.
AT LEAS IT'S NOT COSTING US ANYTHING.
GIVE ME BACK THE HAT NOW!
HEY, THEY GOT MAZURSKY.
THEY GOT MAZURSKY!
REALLY? I MISSED IT?
I MISSED IT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED IT.
TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
YOUR GRAND OMISSION?
IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO STOMACH.
UGH, FINE.
I'M SORRY.
BUT NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
AND ALL THA OTHER STUFF'S JUST--
IT'S IN THE PAST.
I NEED A CROSS.
I NEED A REAL PRIES AND A REAL CHURCH,
AND DARE I SAY IT,
A REAL WEDDING.
WHAT? UM, REALLY?
NO. THAT'S NO WHAT YOU SAID.
I THOUGHT THAT WE AGREED
ON A NONRELIGIOUS CEREMONY.
WELL, THINGS HAVE CHANGED,
HAVEN'T THEY?
AND WHAT DO YOU CARE?
A CROSS?
IT'S WHAT I NEED, DARREN.
WELL, MY MOM,
SHE'S GONNA FLIP OUT.
YOUR MOTHER?
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH YOUR MOTHER?
REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING?
OH, GOD.
SO, MY MOM,
SHE THINKS THAT MY FAMILY,
THAT, UH-- THAT ME--
THAT WE ARE JEWISH.
- JEWISH?
- IN HER MIND.
HER FATHER'S MOTHER
WAS BORN JEWISH,
WHICH MAKES HER FATHER
TECHNICALLY JEWISH,
AND IN THE REFORM TRADITION,
SHE CAN BE A JEW
IF THE FATHER'S JEWISH,
WHICH MEANS SHE IS A JEW
'CAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE,
AND THAT'S OKAY
ACCORDING TO THE REFORM WORLD,
WHICH MAKES ME JEWISH
BECAUSE I HAVE A JEWISH MOTHER.
OKAY?
GROW SOME BALLS, DARREN.
THEY'VE DRIVEN
VERY FAR TO GET HERE,
ALL THE WAY
FROM COLUMBUS, OHIO,
AND THEY'RE STAYING HERE.
SO?
MY MOTHER JUST DROVE
IN FROM OTTAWA, ONTARIO.
OH, I SEE.
YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY'S
MAKING A BIGGER SACRIFICE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STAYING
IN THE MOTEL 666,
SO WE SHOULD CATER
TO THEM MORE.
WELL, MY MOTHER IS STAYING
WITH HER WITCH OF AN AUNT JUDY
IN AN APARTMENT ABOVE A BURGER
KING/FRANKENSTEIN FUNHOUSE COMBO
IN NIAGARA FALLS, ONTARIO.
SHE JUST TEXTED ME
AND SAID SHE ENTERED
THE APARTMEN THROUGH A GIANT WEDGE
OF MELTED CHEESE.
IT'S PRETTY CLOSE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT. OKAY?
IT TOOK MY MOTHER YEARS TO
ACCEPT ME BEING GAY,
AND SHE'S JUST NOW COMING AROUND TO
ACCEPTING ME MARRYING ANOTHER MAN,
AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE
TO HANDLE A GAY WEDDING
AND AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.
BUT I'M NOT JEWISH.
WE'RE ALREADY HAVING
AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.
I KNOW, BUT NOT CALLING
ATTENTION TO I SOMEHOW MAKES
IT MORE PALATABLE.
THIS IS INSANE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?
BECAUSE I KNOW!
I GUESS I'M JUST JEWISH ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS
A JEWISH MOTHER.
HOW DID YOU AND MAGGIE
WORK AROUND THIS?
WELL,
SHE AGREED TO BE JEWISH,
AND WE GOT MARRIED
IN A TEMPLE WITH A RABBI.
IT WAS VERY LIGH ON THE TRADITIONAL STUFF,
AND LIKE I SAID,
IT HAD NO MEANING TO ME AT ALL.
WELL, I'M NOT AGREEING
TO BEING JEWISH,
AND SINCE YOUR FAITH
DOESN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU,
BUT MINE DOES TO ME,
I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
WHY I NEED A CROSS AND A JESUS
AND A PRIEST, ESPECIALLY NOW.
I AM GETTING A CHURCH.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
OH, MY GOD, DEAN.
DEAN.
DEAN.
THE JACUZZI'S STILL NOT FIXED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY ARE YOU JUST--
WHY DOES HE JUST-- JUST--
HE WON'T TALK.
OH, MY GOD.
PUT THAT AWAY! NO!
SHE SAY YOU ARE DEVIL MAN.
DEVIL MAN? SHE'S DRINKING
THE HORMONE THERAPY!
OH, MY GOD,
IT'S THE LADY FROM THE AGENCY.
...WON'T LET HER HAVE
ENERGY DRINK--
ENERGY DRINK? IT'S MEDICINE
FOR ONE OF OUR GUESTS
TO HELP HIM GROW--
HER GROW A BEARD
OR SOME OTHER THING.
GIVE IT TO ME!
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA?
OKAY.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, DOES THE TIN FAMILY
MAKE THEIR RESIDENCE HERE?
- YES--
- HE DEVIL MAN.
JUST GO BACK.
JUST SOME NASTY SIDE EFFECTS
FROM A DRUG ISSUE.
PLEASE!
SO I'VE DECIDED I WANNA GE MARRIED IN A CHURCH.
LISTEN TO YOU.
TAKING CHARGE. I LIKE IT.
BUT THAT'S OF COURSE IF A CHURCH
WILL HAVE YOUR QUEER ASS.
SHUT UP, BRADLEY.
LOOK WHO'S COME OUT.
THAT WAS QUICKER THAN A FRESHMAN
IN THE NYU THEATER DEPARTMENT.
COME ON.
YOU LOOK PRETTY.
LET'S DO IT!
IN JANUARY, YOU FILED
WITH MR. TIN FOR AN EXTENSION
FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS
OF HOUSING SUPPORT,
I ASSUME
FOR THE TIN FAMILY.
YOU DON'T APPEAR TO BE
A POLITICAL REFUGEE
FROM MYANMAR.
NO, I'M NOT.
I JUST PROVIDE THEM HOUSING,
- AND THEN WE--
- IT SAYS MR. TIN IS YOUR PARTNER
IN AN ALTERNATIVE
LIFESTYLE MOTEL?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT HERE,
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL!
UH...
WE DON'T GIVE OUT EXTENSIONS.
AS YOU KNOW,
SIX MONTHS IS THE LIMIT.
AND THAT IS WHY TIN AND I
PARTNERED IN THE MOTEL.
SO, IN A SENSE,
THE SIX-MONTH EXTENSION
WHERE HE PAYS ME THE REN THAT YOU PROVIDE HIM
IS LIKE HIM BUYING
INTO THE BUSINESS.
RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE STARTUP CAPITAL.
THE FAMILY LIVES HERE,
HELPS OUT AROUND THE MOTEL,
AND A CLASSIC
NIAGARA FALLS LANDMARK
IS SAVED FROM THE
EVER-PRESENT WRECKING BALL.
IT'S A WIN-WIN ALL AROUND.
THESE ARE POLITICAL REFUGEES,
MR. SHIBBAWITZ,
FROM A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY.
SOME OF THEM BARELY KNOW
HOW TO FLUSH A TOILET.
MY GRANDFATHER
WAS A POLITICAL REFUGEE,
AND HE STARTED THIS PLACE
80 YEARS AGO.
BELIEVE ME,
MY BURMESE FAMILY
HAS THE SAME STREET SMARTS,
DEDICATION,
AND WORK ETHIC THAT HE HAD.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
THESE PEOPLE.
WE ARE ONTO SOMETHING HERE
AT THE RAINBOW--
- A GAY MARRIAGE DESTINATION. REALLY, MR. SHIBBAWITZ?
- ABSOLUTELY!
WE'VE TAILORED EVERYTHING TO
THIS NEW EMERGING REALITY.
OH, LIKE THAT POSTER?
MORE LIKE THAT.
- HUH. YOU KNOW.
- HMM.
SO THAT WAS QUITE
A PLACE YOU CHOSE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE TOP
RECRUIT ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE A DESIGNER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S WHAT YOU COME UP WITH
FOR YOUR WEDDING, DARREN?
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
I DID GET TAKEN IN
A LITTLE BIT BY AN ONLINE AD,
BUT IT'S NOT A COMPLETE LOSS.
THE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLY,
AND IT DOES HAVE
ITS OWN UNIQUE AESTHETIC.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
EARLY APOCALYPSE?
MOM, YOU THINK
HE DOESN'T KNOW?
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS?
I THOUGHT HE WAS STRAIGH UNTIL THEY WHEELED ME IN
FOR MY HIP SURGERY.
- THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD MOM?
- WELL, SHE WAS MUTTERING
THE COMBINATION OF THE SAFE
AND WHAT FONT SHE WANTED
ON HER GRAVESTONE,
SO I JUST THOUGHT,
"BETTER COME CLEAN."
WELL,
IT WAS A VERY SELFISH ACT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ATIVANS
THEY HAD TO GIVE ME
TO KNOCK ME OU BEFORE THAT SURGERY
AFTER HEARING THAT?
FINALLY, THEY HAD TO INJECT ME
WITH SODIUM PENTOTHAL
TO PUT ME
IN A MEDICALLY-INDUCED COMA.
I WAS VOMITING FOR WEEKS.
SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SWEETIE,
WE DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.
YOU WERE AT COLLEGE
TAKING YOUR LSATS, OKAY?
WELL, I APOLOGIZE... AGAIN.
BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THERE EVER
WOULD'VE BEEN A GOOD TIME
TO TELL YOU.
IT'S ALL WATER
UNDER THE BRIDGE.
LISTEN TO HIM. HE DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.
HE HASN'T STOPPED LISTENING
TO THAT DAMN SPORTS HA SINCE I GAVE IT TO HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS. YOU KNOW THAT?
SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS,
IT IS PROBABLY
A GREAT TIME TO TELL YOU
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
JUST A LITTLE BI OF A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.
WHAT?
DID YOU HEAR THAT, FRANK?
- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THEY'RE INTERVIEWING MAZURSKY,
THE NEW QUARTERBACK RECRUIT.
- STOP IT.
- GIVE ME A SECOND.
STOP IT.
YOUR SON JUST ANNOUNCED
HE'S HAVING A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.
SO? I'M CHRISTIAN.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
THEY NEVER WENT TO CHURCH
WHEN HE WAS A KID.
SO? HE NEVER WEN TO A BUCKEYES GAME WITH ME,
BUT IF YOU ASK HIM
WHO HIS FOOTBALL TEAM IS,
HE WOULD SAY
IT'S OHIO STATE, RIGHT?
YEAH, EXACTLY.
YEAH-- RIGHT, SURE.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT DARREN'S
A BIG BOY,
AND HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS,
AND YOU NEED TO JUST STAY
OUT OF IT.
AND YOU NEED
TO JUST KEEP LISTENING
TO YOUR DAMN SPORTS HAT.
I NEED A CIGARETTE.
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.
WE HAVE WEDDING HERE.
AND HOW MANY
HAVE YOU HAD HERE?
FIRST ONE YESTERDAY.
AND DEAN AND DARREN'S
TOMORROW.
YES, TOMORROW, TOO.
AND MORE COMING ONLINE
ALL THE TIME.
I AM FINE.
I AM FINE. NO PROBLEM.
ISN'T ALEX SUPPOSED TO
BE HANDLING THAT?
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
DANCING.
THEY'RE GUESTS.
WE'RE THE WORKERS.
BUT I'M WORKING--
HELP THE CELEBRATE, PARTY!
WHAT'S WITH THE GETUP HERE?
WHAT--
IT FEELS RIGHT. YOU LIKE IT?
SURE, SURE, SURE.
- DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- WHAT?
DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?
LOOK, REBECCA'S WORKING
ON THE CHURCH,
DECORATING THE CHAPEL
RIGHT NOW.
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
NOW! THE WOMAN
FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.
- OH! HEY. HI, THERE.
- HEY.
IT'S QUITE A PARTY HERE. HUH?
TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY.
WE'RE PREPARING
THE CHAPEL RIGHT NOW.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
LISTEN, PLEASE DON'T TAKE
THIS THE WRONG WAY.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
WELL, I'VE DECIDED
THAT I WANT A--
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEED
MY WEDDING TO TAKE PLACE
IN A REAL CHURCH
WITH A REAL PRIEST.
SO WHILE I THANK YOU,
THERE'S BEEN
A CHANGE IN PLANS.
I'M A LICENSED
CHRISTIAN MINISTER.
I PREACHED FOR TWO YEARS
IN MISSOURI.
TWO YEARS!
AT JEWS FOR JESUS RETREAT.
ACTUALLY IT WAS MORE
OF A RESORT,
BUT...
WE DID A WONDERFUL BUSINESS,
BY THE WAY.
THE BUSINESS OF SAVING SOULS,
OF COURSE.
THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT.
BUT, YOU SEE, I'M CATHOLIC,
SO...
I CAN DO A CATHOLIC FLAVOR
LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
SERIOUSLY, I'LL DO THE WHOLE
THING IN LATIN. THE WHOLE THING.
HERE, I-- I HAVE "CRISTUS,"
I HAVE "AD NUOM,"
UH, "ET BENEDICTO."
IT'S IN THERE.
I KNOW IT'S IN THERE.
I'M COMMITTING MY LIFE
TO ONE PERSON,
SO I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S COMMITTED
THEIR LIFE TO ONE THING.
DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD
PERMANENTLY ETCH THIS INTO MY--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.
HOLD ON.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
THAT'S COMMITMENT.
A JEW WITH A CROSS.
LOOK AT THAT.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I REALLY DO.
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
I NEED FOR ME.
I'M-- I'M SORRY.
I UNDERSTAND. NO PROBLEM.
HEY, MAN, THIS--
THIS IS AN AWESOME TATTOO.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT GANESH BRINGS GOOD LUCK?
EXCUSE ME.
JUST HAVE A RABBI PRESENT.
IS THAT SO HARD?
YOUR FATHER AND I
WILL PAY FOR IT.
I'LL EVEN FIND YOU ONE.
YOU GOTTA STOP
THE JEWISH THING.
WE HAD A CHRISTMAS TREE
WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.
YOU'RE SITTING THERE EATING
A BOURBON BACON BURGER
AT A BUSTER BARN.
WHAT PART OF THAT IS JEWISH?
ALL OF IT!
EXCEPT THE BUSTER BARN!
HE'S GOT A POINT, MOM.
THANK YOU.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO AS JEWS,
WE GET TO EAT BACON
ONCE IN A WHILE
WITHOUT ANY ONE PERSON GETTING
STONED TO DEATH FOR IT.
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH
HAVING A TREE, HUH? HUH?
WHY CAN'T WE ENJOY THE FRUITS
OF OTHER RELIGIONS?
IT DOESN'T MEAN
I GOTTA GIVE UP MINE.
SURE, FINE, AND THAT SOMEHOW
WORKS FOR YOU.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW,
BUT SOMEHOW IT DOES.
BUT THIS IS MY WEDDING.
YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS TO ME,
AREN'T YOU?
LOOK AT ME, DARREN.
IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS OF
FIVE-DAY-A-WEEK THERAPY SESSIONS,
A NASTY XANAX ADDICTION,
AND ENDLESS WATCHING
OF THOSE BORING
PBS DOCUMENTARIES
TO FINALLY ACCEP THIS GAY MARRIAGE THING.
AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME
TO ABANDON MY FAITH?
- MY GOD!
- SHH.
- SHH.
- I EVEN MADE YOUR FATHER WATCH "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN." TWICE!
AND THEN WENT OUT AND GO BUY
THE BLU-RAY EDITION.
HE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE
AT BEST BUY
FOR 10 MINUTES HOLDING
THAT THING
IN FRONT OF ALL THE NEIGHBORS
ON BLACK FRIDAY.
WE'VE MADE SACRIFICES.
AND I'M JUST ASKING
FOR THIS ONE THING?
OH, GOD, I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE
OF DEAN.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE.
AND THAT'S AFTER HE'S ALREADY
ROLLED A HOLE TO CHINA!
MOM, YOU NEED TO STOP.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET MARRIED
LIKE HE DID WITH MAGGIE?
WAS THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH THAT?
THE RABBI DID
SUCH A MARVELOUS JOB.
WELL, MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH,
AND SHE'LL BE HERE SOON.
MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH?
SHE'S COMING TO THE WEDDING?
TURNS OUT SHE DIDN'T SIGN
THE DIVORCE PAPERS,
SO SHE'LL BE HERE.
SHE LIVES IN BINGHAMTON.
SHE'S A PROFESSOR
AT A UNIVERSITY.
- REALLY?
- DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, MOM.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
ISAAC? I JUST LOVE HER.
SHE'S WONDERFUL.
I ALWAYS LIKED HER.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
MOM, DO NOT START ANYTHING.
SHE'S COMING HERE
AND SHE'S SIGNING THE PAPERS,
AND SHE'S LEAVING.
THAT'S ALL.
WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE?
IT'S PERFECT.
OKAY, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T EVER RANK ANYTHING
ON TRIPADVISOR.COM
I USE IT. DON'T NEED
THE EXTRA FEEDBACK.
WHY, DO YOU THINK
WE'RE IN DANGER?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE ARE GAY,
HANGING OUT IN KLAN TERRITORY,
LOITERING IN FRON OF THEIR CHURCH.
I MEAN, IT SEEMS
LIKE WE HIT THE TRIFECTA.
THEN MAYBE
WE SHOULD TURN BACK.
NO, I'M SURE WE'LL BE FINE.
JUST-- COME ON.
JUST BUTCH IT UP A BIT.
- OH, OKAY. UM...
- YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS ISN'T "WEST SIDE STORY."
DOWN. IT'S BETTER DOWN?
JUST HURRY UP BEFORE
THAT CROSS GOES UP IN FLAMES.
A PLACE LIKE THIS MIGHT BE
AVAILABLE
BECAUSE IT'S
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
HELLO. HOW CAN I HELP YOU
FINE YOUNG MEN?
GENTLEMEN,
ISN'T GOD'S HOUSE BEAUTIFUL?
OH, I FEEL INSPIRED
BY THE HOLY SPIRI EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS
INCREDIBLE PLACE.
WOW, IT'S--
IT'S UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL.
OF COURSE, WE HAD A BALL SAIL
THROUGH THAT WINDOW
A FEW YEARS AGO.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE SIGN
THAT THIS TRULY IS A VIBRANT,
FAMILY NEIGHBORHOOD.
BRADLEY,
IT'S EVERYTHING WE WANTED.
LOOK AT THAT CHANDELIER.
OH, THIS CHANDELIER
IS THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING.
I MADE A SNOWMAN ONCE
IN THREE HOURS...
AND THEN I GOT BORED
AND SAT ON IT.
- CAN WE TURN IT ON, FATHER?
- YEAH, SOME OF THE WIRES--
I-- I FORGOT TO MENTION,
DID YOU NOTICE OUR INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL CHURCH ORGAN?
WOW.
ARE YOU BOYS FROM THE CASINO?
- WHAT?
- UH, NO, NO. UH...
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY
CASINO GUYS.
- IS MY COLLAR STILL UP?
- NO, NO.
NO, UH, TRUTHFULLY,
I DON'T REALLY EVEN GAMBLE.
THAT'S A SIN, RIGHT?
YOU ARE LOOKING
FOR A SPIRITUAL HOME?
UH, NO.
WELL, YES, BUT...
DO YOU STILL HOLD
SERVICES HERE?
I GUESS, COMMUNIONS,
MASSES, WEDDINGS?
WE STILL HAVE A SUNDAY MASS.
IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS
SINCE WE'VE HAD A WEDDING.
ARE YOU AFFILIATED
WITH THE CHURCH RIGHT NOW?
I'M SEARCHING.
STILL SEARCHING.
BUT THIS PLACE IS GREAT,
FATHER.
WELL, I AM CATHOLIC, AND I--
OH, PERFECT.
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU
AS OUR GUESTS
FOR SUNDAY SERVICE.
THAT'S INCREDIBLY KIND OF YOU.
BUT WE'RE HERE--
WELL, I'M HERE
BECAUSE I JUST, UH...
CAN I MAKE A CONFESSION?
FORGIVE ME, FATHER,
FOR I HAVE SINNED.
IT'S BEEN 525,600 MINUTES
SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.
OH, GOD.
I'M SORRY.
GO AHEAD, MY SON.
WELL, YOU SEE, FATHER,
I'M GAY AND--
OH, REALLY.
WELL, WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, AND--
NO, I'M NOT CONFESSING
THAT AS A SIN.
I'M ACTUALLY COMPLETELY FINE
AND PROUD OF BEING GAY.
I'M NOT SURE
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,
BUT TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T EVEN
WANNA CONFESS ANYTHING.
I JUST--
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M GETTING MARRIED.
TO A WOMAN?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
REALLY, FATHER?
TO MY PARTNER DARREN.
YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T BELIEVE
THAT OUR WEDDING IS REAL,
SO I THOUGHT SINCE I STILL
BELIEVE VERY MUCH IN GOD
AND JESUS OR JESUS AND GOD,
OR SOMEWHERE
THE HOLY SPIRIT IS IN THERE,
BUT I THOUGH THAT WE COULD GET MARRIED
BY A REAL CLERGYMAN
IN A REAL CHURCH.
OH. MY SON, THE CHURCH
DOES NOT ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE.
I COULDN'T PERFORM
SUCH A CEREMONY IN A CHURCH.
YOU DON'T NEED ME
TO MAKE YOUR WEDDING REAL.
THE COMMUNION OF TWO SOULS
IS AS REAL AS THE LOVE
THAT YOU HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
THANK YOU, FATHER, BUT...
HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT THE LOVE
THAT SOMEONE ELSE
HAS FOR YOU
IS THE SAME
THAT YOU HAVE FOR THEM?
WHEN THAT PERSON DOES
SOMETHING
THAT NO OTHER PERSON
WOULD DO FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?
HEY, LOOK AT THAT!
THE JACUZZI IS WORKING!
WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS HERE,
LIDIA.
I CAN CALL YOU THAT.
CAN I-- CAN I CALL YOU LIDIA?
WHY WOULD YOU?
IT JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE.
LIDIA, LIDIA.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, SAYA'S THE SENIOR MEMBER
OF THE GROUP.
HE ACTUALLY FIXED THE JACUZZI.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
JUST AMAZING.
HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE IT?
- THERE'S NO BUBBLES!
- IT'S KIND OF COLD.
AWESOME KIDDIE POOL, DUDE.
YOU ARE THE MANISCHEWITZ.
WHOO!
WELL, MR. SHIBBAWITZ,
THIS HAS BEEN
AN ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCE,
BUT I'M NOT VERY CONVINCED
THAT THIS IS GOING TO WORK.
OH, BUT IT IS WORKING,
MISS CARMICHAEL.
ONE WEDDING
IS HARDLY A SUCCESS STORY.
NO, IT'S TWO WEDDINGS.
- MANISCHEWITZ.
- YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
MR. SHIBBAWITZ, I HEARD
THAT YOUNG GAY MAN CLEARLY SAY
HE IS NOT GETTING
MARRIED HERE.
AND TO BE HONEST,
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
THAT YOUNG MAN WILL BE BACK.
NO CATHOLIC CHURCH
IS GOING TO MARRY TWO MEN.
I DON'T THINK THE POPE
IS GOING TO RENEGE
ON 2,000 YEARS
OF CATHOLIC DOCTRINE
IN THE NEXT 12 HOURS.
THEN WHY DIDN' YOU TELL HIM THAT?
BECAUSE THIS IS
WHAT HE NEEDED TO DO.
THIS IS HIS JOURNEY,
AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL FIND.
I'M NOT HERE TO SQUASH
A PERSON'S DREAMS.
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL,
WE MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE.
IF HE'S GETTING MARRIED
HERE TOMORROW,
YOU PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM.
MAYBE, BUT HAVEN' THEY BEEN TOLD
ENOUGH THINGS
THEY CAN'T DO, LIDIA?
LOOK, ANOTHER GUEST.
HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
NO, I CAN WAI TILL YOU'RE FINISHED.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
I WAS JUST FINISHING UP HERE.
- HI.
- HI.
I'M NOT SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE.
I'M HERE TO SIGN
SOME MARRIAGE PAPERS
- FOR MY FORMER--
- OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
YOUR NAME IS...
- MAGGIE.
- MAGGIE! MAGGIE!
NOT ANOTHER GUEST.
SHE'S ACTUALLY MARRIED
TO DEAN. UH, DARREN.
DARREN IS MARRYING DEAN--
THE YOUNG MAN WE MET.
MR. SHIBBAWITZ, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.
AHEAD? REALLY?
I'LL TAKE THAT.
- OH, GOD.
- IT'S TIME TO FEED THE BURT REYNOLDS.
IT'S MORE LIKE MEATLOAF.
OOH!
AREN'T YOU A SWEET THANG.
UGH. NO THANKS.
MY MEDICAL THERMOS?
YES, YES,
YOUR MEDICAL THERMOS.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SUCH A STATELY
CHARM ABOUT YOU.
A VERY CONSERVATIVE BEAUTY.
ALL THIS LIGH THAT COMES FROM YOU.
AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE...
...IT JUST COMES
RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
YOU JUST--
YOU LOOK BRIGHT.
OH, I SEE.
THAT SMILE! I CAN'T SEE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUS FILLING OUT THIS FORM
THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO BE NEEDING
FOR YOUR EXTENSION.
REALLY?
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL
TRULY IS
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
WHOO!
IT WAS A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE DISPLAY,
BUT, YOU KNOW...
- DARREN!
- MOM?
DARREN! CONGRATULATIONS!
OH, MAGGIE!
- OH, MY GOD. HI, FRAN!
- HI.
- WE THOUGHT THAT YOU GOT SUCKED INTO...
- GET OUT OF MY WAY.
ONE OF THOSE
GIANT VENTS OUT THERE.
WE DID!
AND WE LOST IT.
SO, HERE YOU GO AGAIN, HUH?
THIS PLACE IS--
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
THE ONLY GIRL FOR MY BOY.
- THAT WOULD BE YOU.
- THAT'S VERY SWEET, FRAN,
BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY.
I'M SURE SHE'S WONDERFUL.
AWESOME!
- HI, DARREN.
- HI, MAGGIE.
WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
- YOU HAVEN'T AGED A DAY.
- DOESN'T SHE KNOW?
THANK YOU.
AND YOU, TOO.
YOU LOOK EXACTLY
THE WAY I REMEMBER YOU.
EXCEPT I DON'T THINK I EVER SAW
THAT COLOR SHIRT ON YOU.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS THE SAME.
I'LL JUST GO GE THE PAPERS, MAGGIE,
AND GET YOUR OLD JOHN HANCOCK
AND GET YOU
RIGHT ON YOUR WAY. OKAY?
THAT SOUND GOOD? OKAY.
I GUESS, CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH! OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A HUG.
THAT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.
OKAY. OKAY.
GREAT.
SO, UH... THANKS, MAGGIE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE THAT YOU'RE
DOING THIS FOR ME.
I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
HOW WAS THE DRIVE?
NOT BAD.
ONLY 2 1/2, 3 HOURS.
OH, GREAT, GREAT.
THIS SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT LONG.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PAGE
THAT NEEDS TO BE SIGNED.
YOU CAN STILL MAKE IT BACK
WITH ENOUGH DAYLIGHT DRIVING.
- HAVE YOU TOLD HER?
- MOM...
MAGGIE AND I HAVE TALKED
ABOUT THIS,
- AND WE'RE GOOD.
- WE WHAT?
DO NOT BRING THAT UP.
SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO KNOW
AT THIS POINT.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THIS WASN'T THE THING
YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL ME
WHEN WE GOT DISCONNECTED,
IS IT?
DARREN TELLS ME THA YOU'RE STILL JEWISH, MAGGIE.
YEAH, YEAH,
I SAID I WAS JEWISH AT THE WEDDING,
- AND I STILL AM.
- FANTASTIC.
WORKS FOR ME.
- I'CHAIM!
- YEAH!
- LOOK AT THAT FACE.
- OH, GOD.
I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED
UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? ARE YOU A
BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN NOW OR SOMETHING?
WHAT IS THIS?
NO, NO.
I'M EXACTLY THE SAME.
NO, I'M NOT.
UM, I JUST WANTED
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU KNOW, UH...
- I GOT THE PAPERS RIGHT HERE, MAGGIE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME ON
OVER HERE,
STEP UP TO THE COUNTER,
AND-- AND SIGN.
WOW, YOU REALLY DON'T WASTE
ANY TIME HERE, DO YOU?
SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE?
GET ME IN, GET ME OUT?
NO, NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT HOW IT IS.
LISTEN, MAGGIE, WHY DON'T YOU AND
DARREN GO OFF SOMEWHERE AND TALK?
- SHE TOOK A LONG RIDE HERE.
- I UNDERSTAND.
IT COULD BE AWKWARD
FOR YOUR FIANCEE.
IS SHE HERE?
UH...
YOU MADE MOTEL
INTO GAY PARTY HOUSE!
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU--
MY SON TURN
INTO GAY RIGHT HERE.
TIN, WE HAVE GUESTS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THE LADY
FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.
EXCUSE ME. HERE'S YOUR PEN.
YOU CAN SIGN IT.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
GET IN THERE.
- WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
- THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL--
- HELLO THERE, DARREN.
- HELL.
WE'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING OUT.
DEAN DIDN' SCARE YOU STRAIGHT, DID HE?
OR MAYBE HE HAS.
HELLO, I'M BRADLEY,
DEAN'S BEST FRIEND.
DEAN?
FRAN, DARREN'S MOTHER.
AND THIS HERE
IS OUR LOVELY MAGGIE.
THEY WERE ABOUT TO GO GE SOME COFFEE.
EXCUSE US.
THIS MOTEL MADE
MY SON INTO GAY.
TIN, THE KID
IS FINALLY HAPPY.
YOU SAID THIS MOTEL
WAS FOR US!
SHOULD WE GO BACK
TO THE WAY IT WAS,
WAITING FOR TRUCKERS TO CHECK IN
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH TO MEET UP WITH THEIR HOOKERS
AND METH DEALERS?
OH, I'M-- I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M-- I'M SO SORRY.
WHERE'S MY HORMONES?
MY HORMONES ARE GONE!
- DAW THOUGHT IT WAS AN ENERGY DRINK.
- THEY'RE GONE!
IT'S JUST NOTHING MORE
THAN A CULTURAL FAUX PAS.
- OH, MY GOD!
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
ARE YOU OKAY?
CAN I GET YOU A--
I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
LET ME GET YOU SOME ICE!
PLEASE, MOM, NO!
I DO NOT NEED ICE!
WE'RE ALL LOVERS HERE, BABY.
DID YOU BLACK OUT?
LET ME SEE YOUR EYES.
- YOU'RE BLEEDING. PUT THIS AGAINST YOUR LIP.
- I AM NOT BLEEDING.
PUPILS ARE THE SAME SIZE.
THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.
I'M FINE! I'M FINE!
EVERYBODY JUST STEP AWAY.
OKAY.
HI, I'M DEAN,
DARREN'S FIANCE.
- YOU MUST BE MAGGIE.
- FIANCE?
DARREN, YOU'RE GAY?
WOW.
GAY? HOW COULD I HAVE NO FIGURED THIS OUT?
YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T PICK UP
ON THE SIGNS, SWEETIE?
BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAPS,
SWEATY T-SHIRTS, MURALS?
- IT'S ALL SO OBVIOUS.
- STAY OUT OF THIS, BRADLEY.
PARDON ME,
BUT I THINK AT THIS POIN WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW.
ARE YOU BUTCH CASSIDY
OR THE SUNDANCE KID?
WELL, HI, I'M MAGGIE,
THE APPARENTLY CLUELESS JILTED EX-WIFE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL HER.
WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I DIDN'T WANNA BOTHER HER.
IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
WHY DOES SHE NEED TO KNOW?
BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH.
I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND
THESE 10 YEARS
WONDERING
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
SHOULD I HAVE DYED
MY HAIR BLONDE?
SHOULD I HAVE COOKED
MORE ITALIAN FOOD?
SHOULD I HAVE WORN THAT BLACK
LEATHER LINGERIE YOU BOUGHT ME?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS OUR THING.
IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
YOURS HAS THOSE BUCKLES.
I THINK I'M GOING TO GO OU AND GET SOME AIR.
GOOD LUCK.
THERE'S NOT ANY OUT THERE.
INCREDIBLE.
AFTER ALL THE RIGHTS
WE'VE FOUGHT FOR,
AND YOU'RE STILL AFRAID,
AREN'T YOU, DARREN?
AFRAID OF WHAT, DEAN?
THIS? YES.
YES, I'M AFRAID OF THIS.
THIS IS MADNESS.
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS HOPING TO AVOID.
NOBODY NEEDED
TO KNOW ANYTHING.
IS THAT WHY
YOU CHOSE THIS PLACE,
TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS HERE
IN THE GAY WEDDING CAPITAL?
IS THAT WHY WE'RE HERE,
THOUSANDS OF MILES
AWAY FROM OUR HOME?
WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS
FROM WORK?
OH, I GET IT.
A GAY DESTINATION WEDDING
IN NIAGARA FALLS
OFFERS A PERFECT EXCUSE
NOT TO INVITE ANYONE
FROM OUR LIVES.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT THE ONE HIDING OUT, DEAN?
YOU'RE A CANADIAN CITIZEN.
YEAH.
IS THAT WHA YOU'RE DOING IN ARIZONA?
WOW. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION
MY ASTHMA.
YOU KNOW I NEED
A DESERT CLIMATE.
I DO, AND I KNOW
THAT YOU WANTED
TO SEE NIAGARA FALLS
JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.
BUT WHEN WE GOT HERE,
I JUST ACCEPTED THE KITSCH FACTOR.
BUT YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT.
LONZIE GETS IT!
LONZIE LIVES IN
AN ABANDONED MISSILE SILO.
THAT'S NOT THE STRONGES ARGUMENT, DARREN!
REALLY?
ARE THOSE STILL AVAILABLE?
WOW, I GET IT.
YOU WANT A NICE, QUIET,
HIDDEN GAY LIFE.
HELL, YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE A FLING
WITH A WOMAN AGAIN SOME DAY.
YOU'RE STILL CLOSETED, DARREN,
IT'S JUST NOW IT'S
A SLIGHTLY ROOMIER ONE.
I WANTED A CROSS
AND A JESUS AND A PRIEST.
I HAD NO IDEA
I NEEDED A PARTNER
WHO WAS WILLING
TO BE HIMSELF.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA IF I HAVE
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
HEY! HEY! HEY!
PARTY IN CANADA!
PARTY IN CANADA-LA-LA-LA!
COME ON. LET'S GO!
IF YOU ASK ME,
I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN HANDLE
ANY FOREIGN AFFAIRS RIGHT NOW
UNTIL YOU TACKLE
YOUR DOMESTIC ISSUES.
MAGGIE. MAGGIE, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST LIKE A PUZZLE.
MAGGIE, I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I SIGNED YOUR PAPERS. THAT'S WHA YOU WANTED. THAT'S WHAT I DID.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW LIFE,
DARREN.
I HOPE YOU'RE
MORE HONEST WITH DEAN
THAN YOU WERE WITH ME.
MAGGIE, THIS IS NO HOW I WANTED TO SEE YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
I'LL HAVE A NICE, PLEASAN THREE-HOUR DRIVE HOME
THINKING ABOUT NOTHING ELSE
EXCEPT HOW I TURNED
THE MAN I LOVE
INTO LOVING ANOTHER MAN.
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
BELIEVE ME.
IT'S NOT EVEN RELATED.
- UGH!
- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING.
NO, I'M FINE. THERE ARE OVER A
HUNDRED WINERIES ON THE WAY HOME.
I'LL JUST STICK
TO THE DRY REDS,
VENTURE INTO
THE FRUITY BLUSHES,
AND IF I STILL CAN'T STOP
BLAMING MYSELF,
I'LL HI THE CABERNET SAUVIGNONS.
HOPEFULLY I'LL REMEMBER
TO TAKE IN THE VIEWS.
MAGGIE! PLEASE.
PLEASE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE.
MAGGIE, WAIT.
GOOD-BYE, FRAN.
HI, ISAAC. SORRY WE DIDN' GET A CHANCE TO CATCH UP.
DARREN,
YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET HER GO.
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
YOU STILL HAVE CHEMISTRY.
- YOU WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
- MOM.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I KNOW THESE THINGS.
MOM, WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS TO ME?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
AND IT DOESN'T HURT THAT SHE'S
STILL A MEMBER OF THE TRIBE.
YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.
YOU'RE NOT.
HAVING A GREAT-GRANDFATHER
ON YOUR FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY
DOES NOT MAKE YOU JEWISH!
EVEN THE NAZIS
WOULD GIVE YOU A PASS,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME ONE
BECAUSE I AM
A HUNDRED PERCENT GAY!
I'M GAY.
YOU EXHAUST ME.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE ARE YOU
AND DEAN GOING TO LIVE?
HOW CAN YOU LE THIS GIRL GO AGAIN?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA
LET MAGGIE GO THIS TIME.
BLESS YOU.
MAGGIE...
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
SINCE SEVENTH GRADE.
YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND
ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
I WANT MY FRIEND BACK.
I'M NOT GOING TO
GO ANOTHER 10 YEARS
WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE.
MAGGIE,
WILL YOU BE MY--
MY BEST MAN?
OR BEST WOMAN.
- I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS SO--
- OY GEVALT.
- THIS IS NOT EASY.
- I KNOW.
JUST SAY YES.
UH, HUG.
DO WE HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE?
I'M SORRY.
WE WERE FRIENDS A LOT LONGER
THAN WE WERE A MARRIED COUPLE.
WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
NOW, MY LOVELY JEWESS,
WILL YOU HELP ME STEAL
A CROSS AND A JESUS?
AND WE CAN'T FIND LONZIE.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE DESERT,
TRIPPING ON PEYOTE,
COMPLETELY PANICKED.
OH, MY GOD,
WHO PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER?
YOUR FUTURE
SON-IN-LAW DARREN.
AND THIS IS THE PLACE
WHERE THEY EXPLODED
- THE FIRST ATOMIC BOMB?
- EXACTLY.
AND WE LOOK BEHIND US,
AND THERE IS LONZIE
CUMMING ON GROUND ZERO
WITH A JAPANESE MAN!
- IT'S LIKE--
- IT WAS THE MAKEUP SEX FOR WORLD WAR II, OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STOP POUTING.
DARREN IS A GREAT,
CREATIVE GUY.
HE DOES THIS.
HE GETS ALL QUIET WHEN HE'S UPSET.
STOP IT.
COME ON, IT'S YOUR WEDDING.
OKAY, BOYS, THIS OLD HAG
HAS TO GET TO BED.
DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO. COME ON.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. D.,
WE'LL KEEP THE ORGY
TO JUST UNDER 10 PEOPLE.
THAT'S MY BOYS.
SMILE!
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
WHERE DID HE GO?
DO YOU SEE HIM?
I THINK HE WEN BEHIND THE CHURCH.
YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
IT'S REALLY DARK.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING
IN THE 99-CENT STORE
THAT WE PASSED
ON THE WAY HERE.
I DON'T THINK DECORATING
THE RAINBOW CHAPEL
WITH A 99-CEN PLASTIC BABY JESUS
IS GONNA MAKE
A BIG ENOUGH SPLASH.
DEAN IS A-- HE'S A FORCE.
HE'S A FORCE OF NATURE,
AND I'VE BEEN REALLY
SPINELESS LATELY.
- AS YOU KNOW.
- MM.
I GOTTA MAKE
A GRAND GESTURE.
MAYBE A SOUVENIR SHOP THEN.
THE BEST WE'RE GONNA GE IS A VELVET PAINTING OF JESUS
HOVERING OVER THE FALLS
IN THE MIST,
OR A MOTHER MARY SNOW GLOBE,
OR BOTH ON A PEWTER PLATE.
ALTHOUGH VERY COOL,
IT'S NOT THE REAL VIBE I'M LOOKING FOR.
OKAY. HEY,
I THINK I FOUND AN ENTRANCE.
OKAY, OKAY.
STAY IN THE CAR.
KEEP IT LOCKED.
WE'RE GOING IN.
THANKS, MAGGIE.
SURE.
LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM!
WHAT? NOT HOT ENOUGH?
IT'S YOUR BACHELOR PARTY.
AREN'T YOU EXPECTED
TO INDULGE?
THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
PLEASE, HONEY,
THE GUY'S GOT HIS WIFE HERE.
- EX-WIFE.
- THAT HE FAILED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
COME ON. ENJOY.
THIS IS THE LAST FLING,
AND FROM WHAT I SAW,
WHO KNOWS WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW.
YOUNG MAN, I OFFER YOU
A MEDICINAL TONIC--
A FAIR MAIDEN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YES, A WOMAN TO EVEN OU THE PLAYING FIELD.
JUST ONE SACRIFICIAL PLUNGE
INTO THAT HO AND STEAMY VOLCANO
WILL FREE YOU OF
YOUR PARTNER'S TRANSGRESSIONS.
I INTRODUCE TO YOU...
JUSTICE!
HI.
YOU ARE SICK, DEMENTED,
AND QUITE POSSIBLY FULL
OF EVERY STD IN THE BOOK,
BUT YOU ARE A SOCIAL GENIUS,
AND I AM PROUD
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
WE GET A LO OF YOUR KIND UP HERE,
HIPSTERS COMING IN
FROM BUFFALO,
FIGURING THEY CAN GRAB WHATEVER
THEY WANT FROM OUR HISTORY.
THE BUILDINGS IN THIS CITY
AREN'T A FREE FOR ALL.
YOU CAN'T TAKE STUFF
OUT OF BUILDINGS,
MUCH LESS CHURCHES.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OFFICER, HIS HUSBAND-TO-BE
IS A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
MAYBE YOU TWO CAN WORK ON
YOUR STORY A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
HEY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
EH, FATHER?
LET'S SEE WHA THEY GOT HERE FROM YOU.
THEY GOT ONE...
MAHOGANY CROSS.
WE GOT A STATUE OF,
UH, ST. PETER?
OR IS IT MOSES?
- IT'S ST. JOSEPH, RONALD.
- YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS JESUS?
THEY DO RESEMBLE EACH OTHER.
IT IS HIS FATHER.
OR IS THAT GOD?
ARE YOU GOING TO
PRESS CHARGES OR NOT?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MY SON.
YOUR PARTNER CAME
TO THE CHURCH.
HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED
IN MY CHURCH WITH YOU.
HE WANTED ME TO PERFORM
THE WEDDING.
I KNOW THAT YOU ONLY TRIED
TO TURN HIS DREAM
INTO A REALITY.
I CANNOT APPROVE
OF YOUR WEDDING.
I CERTAINLY CANNOT APPROVE
OF YOU STEALING FROM THE CHURCH,
BUT I DO KNOW WHEN I WITNESS AN
ACT OF LOVE OF THIS MAGNITUDE,
AND GOD'S HAND
IS SURELY IN IT.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CROSS
AND THE STATUE.
CONSIDER THEM WEDDING GIFTS.
AND GOD BLESS YOU, MY SON.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I GOT THE WHOLE THING
WORKED OUT.
I HAVE TALKED
TO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY,
AND I THINK WE CAN PLEAD
THIS DOWN TO A MISDEMEANOR.
DOESN'T HURT THAT I'M THE
FORMER TRAFFIC COURT JUDGE.
EASY THERE, CHIEF.
THE FATHER'S NOT PRESSING CHARGES.
HE'S NOT--
HE'S NOT DOING
THE WEDDING, IS HE?
IT'S CENTERED. IT'S CENTERED.
- IT LOOKS PERFECT.
- I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
IT REALLY-- ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GOOD.
JUST LET ME DO IT.
YEAH. THAT'S NICE. NICE.
DARREN! DARREN!
DARREN! DARREN,
WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
NO, NO, NO, GO AWAY.
GO. DON'T LOOK.
I WANT TO DO THIS FOR DEAN.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM.
- WHERE IS DEAN?
- IT'S MY FAULT.
WE WERE WALKING
OVER THE BORDER,
WALKING OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE
TO THE UNITED STATES
WHEN THIS SEXY BORDER AGEN WAS REALLY--
NO, NO, NO, YOU DID NOT STAR FLIRTING WITH A BORDER GUARD.
YES! FORGIVE ME,
I HAVE A WEAKNESS.
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOU DOMINANT MEN IN UNIFORM.
IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH, DARREN.
DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A WEAKNESS.
THERE'S NO END
TO YOUR WEAKNESSES.
AND THEN WE WERE
IN THIS SCARY ROOM
BEING INTERROGATED
BY HOMELAND SECURITY.
- IT WASN'T HOMELAND SECURITY.
- YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!
OKAY, THERE WAS A MOMENT I SWEAR WE
WERE GONNA GET SENT TO GUANTANAMO BAY!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT,
NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.
I NEED OPEN SPACES.
OKAY, SO WHAT HAPPENED, LONZIE?
WHAT DID YOU DO, LONZIE?
OKAY, OKAY, DON'T JUDGE.
I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM
ABOUT DEAN'S WORK VISA.
- OH, MY GOD!
- STOP IT, LONZIE.
THEY KNEW ABOUT DEAN'S VISA
LONG BEFORE
YOU WERE INTERROGATED.
OKAY, WHAT--
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT DEAN
IS STUCK IN CANADA.
HE'S AT SOME DETENTION CENTER
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.
- THEY WON'T LET HIM THROUGH.
- THAT'S NOT GOOD.
BRADLEY STAYED BACK WITH HIM.
OH, GOD,
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
WELL, HE'S SO SORRY,
AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, DARREN.
SO MUCH. AND I SWEAR NOTHING
HAPPENED OVER THERE.
- HE LOVES YOU, MAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING
HAPPENED OVER THERE.
BUT NOW
THAT YOU MENTION IT--
OKAY. OKAY, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
THIS IS HOW IT'S GOTTA--
WOW, I'M GOOD.
OOH, AM I GOOD. THIS IS HOW
IT'S GONNA WORK, RIGHT?
DEAN CAN'T COME OVER HERE,
AND YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED
IN CANADA,
BUT WHAT IF WE HAVE
THE WEDDING ON THE SIDEWALK
OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE?
RIGHT? DEAN WALKS OU INTO THE MIDDLE.
DARREN AND HIS FAMILY
COME OUT IN THE MIDDLE
IN INTERNATIONAL
AMBIGUOUS TERRITORY.
I DO THE WEDDING VOWS.
I STAMP THE PAPERS.
AND VOILA,
DEAN IS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.
IT CAN'T MISS.
THAT SOUNDS INSANE.
THANK YOU.
BUT BRILLIANT.
REALLY?
- WILL IT WORK?
- MAYBE.
MAYBE.
WE ARE SO DOING THIS!
YEAH!
COME ON, DARREN.
YOUR FRIENDS
ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
THEY THINK YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED. SO DOES DARREN.
MOM... IT'S OVER.
WHO THE HELL ARE WE KIDDING?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT THE BEST PAR ISN'T JUST A LITTLE BI DOWN THE ROAD?
MOM, IT'S OVER.
I GET IT.
I HEAR THE UNIVERSE,
AND IT'S CLEARLY EXPANDING
WITHOUT DARREN AND I.
- READ THE SIGNS.
- I HAVE READ THE SIGNS,
AND I KNOW
THAT DARREN LOVES YOU.
AND I LOVE DARREN.
AND IT'S A GODDAMN MESS.
I GET IT. OKAY?
BUT THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS.
A TRAIN WRECK?
THANK YOU. THAT'S REALLY,
REALLY COMFORTING.
YOU KNOW,
HE ALWAYS HAD TO BE PERFECT.
HE HIRED A STYLIST FOR HIS
HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.
HE DESIGNED HIS OWN
BOUTONNIERE FOR THE PROM.
REALLY?
CARNATIONS OR ORCHIDS?
COLORED FEATHERS
WITH ROSE PETALS.
IT WAS GORGEOUS.
AND EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SCHOOL,
HE WOULD LAY OUT HIS CLOTHES,
AND IF THEY DIDN'T MATCH,
HE WOULD PLAY SICK
IN THE MORNING
AND NOT GO TO SCHOOL.
WAIT, YOU--
YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?
YES, OF COURSE I DID.
I ALLOWED IT.
BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS MATCH.
IT CLASHES,
AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST--
YOU HAVE TO TRUST.
TRUST IN WHAT?
IN MY FIANCE
AND HIS NEWLY EX-WIFE,
OR MY CHERNOBYL-THEMED WEDDING
THAT I CAN'T EVEN HAVE ANYMORE?
YES. YES! IN ALL OF ITS
GLORIOUS UGLINESS, YES.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED
BACK IN THE STATES
FOR MONTHS, EVEN YEARS.
WELL, THERE MAY BE A WAY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET HIM
IN THE MIDDLE.
JUST THIS ONCE, WILL YOU
PLEASE TRUST IN THE CHAOS?
COME ON. HERE.
YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL
IN THE MORNING.
FOLKS,
THERE'S NO LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.
PLEASE KEEP MOVING.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
HOW MUCH TIME DO I GOT?
NO GUARDS.
REALLY? REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE?
- ALL CLEAR.
- ROGER.
PEDESTRIANS, KEEP MOVING.
PLEASE CLEAR THE SIDEWALK.
WHERE ARE MY EYES?
I RAN OUT OF QUARTERS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE OUT OF QUARTERS?
LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE
IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
PLEASE KEEP MOVING.
HOW ABOUT IT? AM I OKAY?
CAN I CONTINUE?
- YOU'RE ALL CLEAR.
- ALL CLEAR.
- TIN, IS THAT YOU?
- YES, I'M BACK.
YOU'RE BACK!
OH, THANK GOD.
ALL PEDESTRIANS
MUST KEEP WALKING ON THE BRIDGE.
THERE'LL BE NO STOPPING,
NO CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.
I HOPE IT'S OKAY.
SHE AGREED TO BE MY BEST MAN.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
I NEEDED TO HAVE A FRIEND HERE.
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
FOR THE JOINING
OF TWO WONDERFUL SOULS--
DEAN AND DARREN.
PEDESTRIANS,
KEEP MOVING ALONG THE WALK.
MAGGIE, DO YOU HAVE
THE RINGS READY?
- YES.
- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
I THINK I'M GETTING
A LITTLE AHEAD OF MYSELF.
- ALL RIGHT, JUST--
- GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT.
- GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT.
- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS,
A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THIS
ABOUT NIAGARA FALLS,
BUT THERE'S OVER 3,000
TONS OF WATER
THAT SPILL OVER THA EVERY SECOND. IT'S TRUE.
HE STOPPED. TURNED AROUND.
HE TURNED AROUND.
OKAY, LOOK,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
PICK THIS UP
A LOT FASTER, OKAY?
- HE'S COMING BACK.
- COMING BACK.
YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS
IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
YEAH, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY
FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA.
AND IT IS TRULY
THE CULMINATION
OF OUR JOURNEY
AS CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT--
HE'S TURNING AROUND.
HE'S TURNING AROUND.
OKAY, WE GOTTA WORK FAST.
WE GOTTA WORK FAST.
GOTTA WORK--
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
AHEM. OKAY, A FAST CEREMONY
DOESN'T MEAN
A MEANINGLESS CEREMONY.
SO, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS THING
A LONG TIME, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE
A MILLION WEDDINGS AND--
NOT ALL SAME-SEX WEDDINGS,
BUT ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
AND I'M TELLING YOU,
I FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU
MY WHOLE LIFE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY,
BUT I JUST DO.
AND I SWEAR,
YOU WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER
IF EVER THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE
THAT WERE ACTUALLY MEAN TO HAVE A WEDDING.
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
ALL RIGHT, DEAN--
DEAN, DO YOU TAKE DARREN
AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--
HELP ME.
- HUSBAND. I DO.
- HUSBAND.
GOOD, GOOD.
AND, DARREN, DO YOU TAKE DEAN
AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--
- JUST FILL IN THE BLANK.
- HUSBAND. HUSBAND.
- HUSBAND, YES.
- YES. YES, I DO.
...POWER INVESTED IN ME--
PLEASE DON' CONGREGATE ON THE SIDEWALK.
BY POWER INVESTED IN ME
BY THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK--
- COMING BACK!
- I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU
- MAN AND--
- THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ.
THERE'LL BE NO
CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.
THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ?
MAN AND WOMAN-- MAN AND--
A MARRIED COUPLE!
TAKE ME! I'M YOUR MAN!
THE PAPERS! HIS PAPERS!
PAPERS! THE PAPERS!
NO!
MAGGIE, THE RINGS!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!
I'M A JUDGE! I'M A MINISTER!
I'M A SENSEI!
ALL PEDESTRIANS ARE
ASKED TO KEEP MOVING ON THE BRIDGE.
KISS THE BRIDE!
JUST KIDDING.
THERE'S NO
LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.
- THEY DID IT. THEY DID IT.
- THEY'RE MARRIED?
PEDESTRIANS MUST KEEP MOVING.
PLEASE CLEAR THE WALKWAY.
THEY NEVER FORGET US,
DO THEY, TIN?
LOOK HOW BIG DUKE IS GETTING.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD.
YES, HE DOES.
HEY, IT'S GONNA BE
A GOOD YEAR THIS YEAR.
YES.
WELCOME TO
FLIGHT 238 FROM PHOENIX.
PLEASE PICK UP YOUR LUGGAGE
FROM BAGGAGE CLAIM THREE.
COME ON.
THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT.
YOU GET THE BAGS.
I'LL SCOPE THE PLACE OUT.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S MINE.
NO.
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, DUDE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
COME ON, COME ON!
I HAVEN'T POSTED
ANYTHING ALL DAY!
OKAY.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
OVER THERE?
JUST HUMILIATING MYSELF
IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE CROSS
SECTION OF PHOENIX.
THIS... IS OUR FIRS WEDDING POST.
WHAT? WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?
WE'RE HERE. NIAGARA FALLS.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED HERE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
YEAH. COME ON.
WE GOTTA GET GOING
OR WE'RE GONNA MISS
THE FREE SHUTTLE.
GROUND TRANSPORTATION
INCLUDED.
- YEAH.
- HM. VERY NICE.
THAT QUEERPON PACKAGE
YOU BOOKED IS AMAZING.
- THANK YOU. OKAY, ONE MORE.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S PARTY.
HEY, LET US PARTY!
COME ON.
COME ON.
HEAD TO THE HILLS, BABY.
HEAD TO THE HILLS.
...POWER INVESTED IN ME BY
THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK,
I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU--
IS IT "INVESTED"?
MY GOD, I SHOULD HAVE
VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.
POWER INVESTED--
POWER VESTED.
REALLY? I DON'T KNOW YET?
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
GRANDPA,
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD.
DO I SMELL C.K. ONE?
YEP. YEP, I THINK SO.
YOU LIKE IT?
UM, YES, IT'S--
IT'S VERY NICE.
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?
IT'S KIND OF COOL, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, IN A 1995 SORT OF WAY.
- WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
- WHAT?
ARE THOSE THE MAGICAL MISTS OF
THE FALLS OR HAS MY VISION BECOME
A PERMANENT FRENCH
IMPRESSIONIST PAINTING?
THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING
NIAGARA FALLS FOR OUR WEDDING.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
A MINISTER AND A PASTOR
AND A RABBI--
OH, AND A KAY'S
JEWELRY SALESMAN.
AND RARELY
HAVE I SEE TWO WOM--
PEOPLE--
UH, TWO WOM-- PEOPLE--
WOM-PEOPLE MORE IN LOVE
THAN YOU... MAYA?
RUSSELL.
RUSSELL.
RUSSELL AND MAYA.
I'M JUST SO CAUGHT UP IN
THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE HERE
AND EXPRESSED TODAY, I--
IT'S A L-- IT'S A L--
GET THE MUSIC
AND THE RICE READY.
UH, WHITE RICE OR BROWN RICE?
WHITE RICE. THE BROWN RICE IS
FOR THE DINNER THEY REQUESTED.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
UM, WHY ARE WE DRIVING AWAY FROM THE FALLS?
EXCUSE ME, DRIVER.
SIR, ARE WE GOING
THE WRONG WAY?
TELL YOU MORE THERE.
WE ARE CLOSE.
WE ARE STAYING
IN NIAGARA FALLS?
YEAH, NIAGARA FALLS.
ALMOST THERE.
NO WORRY.
DARREN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW,
IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO
WHEN NONE OF THIS
COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLE,
ESPECIALLY IN MY GRANDFATHER'S
ERA WHEN HE BUILT THIS PLACE.
BUT HERE WE ARE.
SO, WITH THE POWER
INVESTED IN ME
FROM THE GREAT STATE
OF NEW YORK,
I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU...
OH, BOY. UH...
MAN AND, UH, W--
YOU KNOW, WE PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND.
WE GOT A NEW FORM
WE'RE WORKING OUT,
A LITTLE CHECKLIST THING,
BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO GO FIRST,
AND YOU GUYS...
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY,
LIKE, HUSBAND AND WIFE IF--
THE MARRIED COUPLE!
- CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR BAG PLEASE?
- NO, NO.
OH, OKAY.
WHAT THE HELL?
DARREN! NAH,
THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.
DARREN, TELL ME
THIS IS A MISTAKE.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
TWO MEN. TWO MEN.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S OBVIOUSLY
NOT WHAT WE THOUGHT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IN ITS OWN WAY, IT'S--
OH, MY GOD,
IS THAT A CHEMICAL PLANT?
WHAT IS SPEWING OUT OF
THOSE SMOKESTACKS? DARREN!
- I...
- DARREN!
WELCOME TO
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
I'M SHIBBAWITZ.
CAN I TAKE YOU TO YOUR ROOM?
COME ON.
THIS WAY PLEASE.
IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.
TWO MEN!
TWO MEN!
SO YOU GUYS ARE NEXT. OH!
AREN'T THEY A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE?
LOOK AT THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU,
ARE THOSE MUTTONCHOPS?
WELL, ALL THE WAY
FROM PHOENIX. INCREDIBLE.
I GOT YOU
IN THE ROCK HUDSON ROOM.
IT'S GOT IT'S OWN
HEART-SHAPED VALENTINE BED.
YEAH, AND DON'T FORGE TO VISIT OUR SUNDRIES SHOP.
WE'VE GOT FACE CREAMS
AND CONDITIONERS
AND TUBS AND TUBS
OF VASELINE.
OKAY, SO I WANT YOU
TO ENJOY YOUR STAY,
TIM'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU,
AND HAVE A GREAT TIME.
WHAT IS THIS?
THIS HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
THE BIGGEST DAY OF MY--
OUR LIFE.
WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
I THINK
I'M BREATHING IN BENZENE.
YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S BENZENE.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST STEAM.
I'M A DETOX FITNESS COUNSELOR,
DARREN. I KNOW MY BODY,
AND I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE A FULL ON BONG HI FROM A SMOKESTACK
TO KNOW WHAT'S KILLING ME.
LISTEN,
I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS--
I'M TALKING SMOKESTACKS
ON OUR WEDDING.
HI. THAT'S YOUR ROOM.
YOU LIKE COLOR TV?
WOW. THEY ARE AWARE THAT GAY
PEOPLE SLEEP TOGETHER, RIGHT?
MAYBE IT'S A PART OF THE JANE
SEYMOUR OPEN HEART COLLECTION.
MORE LIKE THE ROCK HUDSON
CLOSETED COLLECTION.
WOW!
ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING
AT THIS?
I HATE TO SAY IT,
BUT THIS IS THE EXAC "AESTHETIC FROM BRANSON" PUB
THAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR,
ISN'T IT?
- IT'S COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC.
- WHAT?
THERE'S NOT A PLACE
WITHIN 2,000 MILES OF PHOENIX
- THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
- THANK GOD!
EVERYONE WANTS TO CAPTURE THIS
MID-CENTURY INDUSTRIAL LOOK,
AND WE'RE IN ITS EPICENTER.
YOU'RE NOT DEFENDING
THIS PLACE.
NO, I'M JUST MAKING A COMMENT.
DARREN, DARREN,
THIS IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
LOOK AT THE WAY
THE PIPES WIND AROUND.
THAT'S NEVER CAPTURED.
THERE'S EVEN BEAUTY
TO ITS STRANGE DESOLATION.
YOU ARE SO FUCKING
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M A DESIGNER, DEAN.
YOU'VE GOTTA LET GO OF
ALL THE NEGATIVE CONNECTIONS
THAT EVERYONE'S LAPPED ON IT.
WHAT, LIKE CANCER,
HOPELESSNESS, DEATH?
LIKE BOLDNESS, LIKE PROGRESS,
INNOVATION.
THESE ARE NOT REMNANTS
OF DESPAIR,
BUT RELICS OF ONE OF THE GREATES CENTURIES IN HUMAN HISTORY.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT?
MY PEE IS DAY-GLO YELLOW.
LIKE AFTER YOU TAKE
A TON OF VITAMINS,
BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN
ANY VITAMINS!
IT'S THIS AIR AND THIS WATER
THIS ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
LOOK. IT'S THERE.
I'M NOT LOOKING.
BELIEVE ME,
SMELLING IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
IS THAT THE QUEERPON PRINTOUT?
- NO.
- I'M FIXING THIS.
THIS IS COMPLETELY INACCURATE.
WHERE ARE THE MAGICAL MISTS?
WHERE ARE THE THUNDERING RAPIDS?
I'M SO SORRY.
ANOTHER ROOM?
ANOTHER ROOM--
ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE.
WE UPGRADE.
BRAND NEW ROOM.
BETTER VIEW. YES.
BETTER VIEW OF WHAT?
THE TOXIC SLUDGE PIT OUTSIDE?
I DEMAND A FULL REFUND.
WHERE'S NIAGARA FALLS?
AH!
THIS IS NIAGARA FALLS.
IT'S ACTUALLY THE CITY
OF NIAGARA FALLS.
YES, UH, HERE.
YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
STUNNING NIAGARA FALLS,
ONE OF THE EARLY GREA INDUSTRIAL CITIES OF AMERICA.
ALL POWERED BY NIKOLA TESLA'S
IMAGINATION AND DEDICATION
TO HARNESSING THE GREAT,
MIGHTY NIAGARA
TO POWER
THE INDUSTRIAL MONUMENTS
THAT COMPRISE
THE STUNNING VIEWS
OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
IT IS GLORIOUS.
WHERE ARE YOU READING THAT?
- RIGHT HERE.
- OH, ON THE SIDE MARGIN.
NO ONE ACCEPTS THAT AS VALID,
FUNCTIONAL ONLINE REAL ESTATE.
MY IPAD CAN'T EVEN READ THAT.
I ASSURE YOU, YOU ARE GOING
TO HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDDING.
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
OUT BED APPEARS
TO BE CUT IN HALF.
I'M TALKING TO SAYA RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GONNA FIX IT.
YOU KNOW, LOOK,
HE'S AN OLD MAN.
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND,
AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?
HE SEES TWO MEN.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND LIKE THE OTHERS.
LIKE THE DRIVER AND HIS '90S
DISCO BALL LASER PRIDE SHOW.
REALLY, YOU DIDN'T--
YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT, HUH?
EXCUSE ME,
I HATE TO BOTHER YOU BOTH,
BUT OUR REFRIGERATOR
IN OUR ROOM ISN'T WORKING
AND IT'S IMPORTAN THAT THIS STAYS COLD.
IT'S MY MEDICINE.
YEAH, NO PROBLEM. WE'LL JUST PU THIS IN THE BACK OFFICE FRIDGE,
AND YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.
RIGHT, UH-- OH.
INTRODUCE US, PLEASE.
OH, THIS IS, UM...
- DEAN.
- RUSSELL.
WE'RE BOTH SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU.
IT WAS PERFECT.
DON'T FORGET TO GIVE US A
BIG HIGH RANKING ON QUEERPON.
WE'RE HAVING
OUR RECEPTION PARTY TOMORROW.
COULD ALWAYS USE
A FEW MORE BODIES.
SHOULD WE PAY THE BALANCE NOW?
NO PROBLEM. YEAH.
YEAH, WELL,
I'M GONNA COME BACK LATER.
YOU KNOW, I COULD ALWAYS UPGRADE YOU
TO THE FATHER OF THE BRADY BUNCH ROOM.
I AM TELLING YOU,
IT'S SPECTACULAR.
IT'S A GREAT CORNER VIEW.
THIS TIME OF YEAR,
PEOPLE ARE REQUEST IT ALL THE TIME.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
WELL, I FAILED.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO GET US OUT OF HERE.
OH, GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ARE NOT UNPACKING.
NO. NO, BUT...
I DO HAVE THE DESIGN
FOR THE PUB.
- LOOK.
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT A SHITHOLE.
THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
TO THIS INDUSTRIAL LOOK
THAN EXPOSED AIR DUCTS
AND BRICK.
LOOK AT THESE LARGE JOINTS,
THE DIFFERENT PIPES
THAT JOIN EVERYTHING TOGETHER,
THE VARIOUS METALLIC SHADES.
OH, MY BRAIN IS FIRING OFF.
I'M GLAD THAT YOU GO ALL THIS CREATIVE INSPIRATION
FROM THAT GIANT MESS
OUT THERE,
BUT WE ARE NOT STAYING HERE.
MMM.
REALLY? HELLO. HELLO.
JUST--
OH, NO, DON'T--
YOU'RE GONNA RIP IT.
- DARREN-- OKAY.
- OKAY, OKAY.
YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IT.
CAN'T YOU SEE IT?
I CARE MORE ABOU THE LOOK OF OUR WEDDING,
NOT WHAT A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN
PHOENIX HIPSTERS THINK
AS THEY TRY TO GE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE
DOWN TO A COMFORTABLE 107.
ALL RIGHT, WOW. OKAY.
- WOW.
- WHAT?
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- NOTHING. NOTHING.
NO, WHAT WERE YOU GOING
TO SAY?
IT'S JUST, YOU'D THINK YOU'D GET SOME
ARTISTIC BENEFITS MARRYING A GAY MAN.
WELL, WE'RE GONNA GO THERE.
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION
A GAY BONE IN MY BODY?
HUH.
YOU BOOKED OUR WEDDING
IN SOME RUNDOWN MOTOR LODGE
IN A FORGOTTEN
BLUE COLLAR FREAK SHOW.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO
UNBOOK IT...
NOW.
- FINE.
- THANK YOU.
DEAN.
HERE, THE CRAZY CLOWN COMB
IS ONLY 12 MORE TICKETS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU
A SCREWDRIVER.
HERE. HERE YOU GO.
REALLY? WHAT? WHAT?
THEY SNAP TOGETHER? WHAT?
TWO WORDS. JACK, HAMMER.
JACKHAMMER.
YOU WANT A JACKHAMMER.
SOUNDS LIKE... ALL RIGHT,
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, HURRY IT UP.
A TEA PARTY CONVENTION,
DARREN,
AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU-- I
TRUSTED YOU WITH BOOKING OUR WEDDING.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
MAYBE IF YOU WOULD LET ME WATCH
FOX NEWS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON,
I'D BE UP ON THESE
SORT OF THINGS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I DON'T MEAN
WATCHING HANNITY ALL NIGHT LONG,
BUT CAVUTO'S NOT THAT BAD.
OKAY, FINE.
YOU KNOW, I HATE FOX NEWS.
BUT I LIKE
ANDERSON COOPER...
HOW DID YOU GET SNOOKERED
INTO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I SAW THE CRAZY
LOW PACKAGE PRICE,
AND I GOT ALL EXCITED.
YOU WERE SHOPPING
FOR OUR WEDDING
LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO BUY
A CHARGER CORD ON EBAY.
NO, I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING,
AND SUDDENLY SOMETHING
CAUGHT MY EYE,
AND I JUST STARTED
CLICKING ON IT.
YOU KNOW, DEAN,
SHIT HAPPENS.
NO, SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN,
DARREN.
NOT ON YOUR WEDDING.
IT JUST DOESN'T.
DEAN.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO SELL
ANY BARRELS, WOULD YOU?
YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN,
OH, I DON'T KNOW, ABOUT MY SIZE?
NO? YOU SHOULD REALLY
CONSIDER IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE COT?
DOES HE KNOW?
DID YOU TELL HIM THAT--
THAT THERE'S GAY MEN
SLEEPING TOGETHER HERE?
DOES HE KNOW?
DID YOU TELL HIM?
DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT...
NO, NO.
THEN WHY DOES HE THINK HE'S
PUTTING THE BED BACK TOGETHER?
SHE CAN'T TELL HIM.
WHAT? KHIN, KHIN,
HE'S GONNA FIND OUT EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?
THE WOMAN FROM THE AGENCY'S
COMING TOMORROW. THE AGENCY?
SHE'S GONNA APPROVE
OUR EXTENSION.
WE CAN'T LOSE GUESTS.
WHAT?
PROBLEM.
WE CAN'T TELL HIM.
OH, GOD. I--
HMM.
GREAT.
OH... MY... GOD.
IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S MAGNIFICENT.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE CAN MAKE IT WORK, HUH?
IN AN IRONIC WAY, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JUST GO WITH I AND FIND A SHUTTLE
TO TAKE US HERE.
YEAH, WE COULD DO THIS.
WE'RE GAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
DIDN'T WE INVEN CULTURAL IRONY?
EXACTLY.
I MEAN, IF ANDY WARHOL CAN MAKE
AN ORDINARY OLD SOUP CAN
- INTO AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION...
- YES.
IF ANDY COHEN CAN TAKE
DESPICABLE, SPOILED HOUSEWIVES
AND TURN IT INTO DELICIOUS
ENTERTAINMENT...
WOW, I NEVER REALIZED HOW GAY
THE NAME ANDY WAS.
I GET IT.
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE QUEERS
GETTING MARRIED.
- IT'S ALL GOOD.
- IT'S GREAT.
APPARENTLY...
NOT GAY ENOUGH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE EMBARRASSED.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
YOU'RE LOOKING AROUND
TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT LOOK?
IT'S THE ONLY LOOK I KNOW.
THERE'S ABOU A THOUSAND VERSIONS OF IT.
OH, BARREL, BARREL.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE A BARREL?
OH, MAYBE I CAN GO DOWN
TO THE CAN JAM.
JOKE ALL YOU WANT,
BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW.
I WAS JUST BEING MINDFUL.
MINDFUL OF WHAT?
IF THE WORLD WILL ACCEPT US?
THERE'S A CONVENTION GOING ON.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT MAN ENOUGH...
TO BE AN ANDY.
HOW ABOUT AN ANDY DICK?
HELLO.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOT BES TO BE AN ANDY RIGHT NOW.
MORE LIKE A BUCK OR A RAMBO.
PLEASE, THOSE NAMES
ARE GAYER THAN ANDY.
- HA, HA!
- HI.
UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU
IS NOT AN EXAMPLE
OF THE DECLINE
OF YOUR BELOVED AMERICA.
BUT I RESPECTIVELY OFFER
THAT WHAT LIES BEFORE YOU
IS THE ULTIMATE
EXAMPLE OF AMERICAN PROGRESS
AND LIBERTY.
CAN THERE BE ANYTHING
MORE DEMONSTRATIVE
OF AMERICAN FREEDOM
THAN TWO MEN
OPENLY EXPRESSING THEIR LOVE
FOR ONE ANOTHER
WITHOUT THE FEAR
OF GETTING KILLED?
OR MAIMED.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE...
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU!
- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!
- HUH.
AND WE'RE GETTING
MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED.
SHIT.
AND, UH, THREE. RUN.
YES.
OKAY, CAN YOU TAKE
A PEEK UP THERE,
JUST FOR ME?
I'LL LIFT YOU UP?
- JUST A QUICK PEEK.
- IS THAT OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
DON'T EVER DO THIS.
BUT WE HAVE A WEDDING
TO PUT ON RIGHT?
AND I GOTTA KNOW
IF THEY CAME BACK,
SO COME ON.
I'LL LIFT YOU.
PUT THIS AWAY.
HERE. HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, READY?
UNH! WHAT DO YOU SEE?
I SEE TWO MEN.
REALLY? OKAY,
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.
THEY'RE NAKED ON THE BED.
REALLY? WELL,
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.
WAIT, WAIT. ONE SECOND.
THEY'RE SPOONING.
GET DOWN.
GO, GO, GO. JUST GO.
GOOD MORNING, DARREN.
DEAN-- DARREN.
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?
- I WAS GONNA SLIP THIS UNDER YOUR DOOR.
- OH.
THIS IS THE PLAYLIS FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION.
YEAH, THERE WE MAKE SOME
SUGGESTIONS OF SONGS,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
BOBBY GOLDSBORO,
"LAST DANCE." HIS COVER.
YOU CAN'T--
I'M TELLING YOU,
WHEN YOU HEAR IT,
THERE'S A QUALITY.
AND THEN THERE'S STUFF
FOR CONTEMPORARY STUFF,
RIGHT? YOU KNOW?
LIKE "BEYONCE" RIGHT THERE.
OKAY. GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
MY PEE IS STILL
GLOW IN THE DARK.
AND I'M TRUSTING YOU, DARREN.
DEAN? DEAN, COME HERE.
IT'S SHIBBAWITZ.
OH, HELLO.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, I JUST DECIDED
THAT I AM GOING TO THROW IN
AN UPGRADE FOR YOU BOTH--
THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS
TO THE RAINBOW BRIDGE JACUZZI.
GIVE YOU GUYS A CHANCE
TO KIND OF BE
FLAM... BOUYANT.
DO YOU WANT SOME?
NO, NO.
GREAT. MORE FOR ME.
SO, YOU SIGN THIS HERE
AND HERE,
AND THAT ALLOWS ME
TO PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
I SEE THAT YOU BOTH CHECKED
NONDENOMINATIONAL CEREMONY,
SO I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO PUT ON
MY NONDENOMINATIONAL CAP.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I WAS THINKING,
MAYBE WE COULD JUST HAVE, LIKE,
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT THE
WHOLE THING TO BE DEVOID OF GOD.
SURE, I CAN THROW IN GOD
REFERENCES ALL DAY, IF YOU LIKE.
GREAT. GREAT. VERY WELL.
I GOT THE PAPERS,
YOUR MARRIAGE PAPERS BACK FROM THE STATE,
AND APPARENTLY THERE'S
A GLITCH OF SORTS.
I'M SURE YOU GUYS HAD A CHANCE
TO DISCUSS THIS BY NOW.
DISCUSS WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW. WHAT?
- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
- NO.
REALLY?
YOU HAVEN'T GONE OVER THIS?
WHAT IS IT?
DARREN, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SAY SOMETHING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
REALLY? OKAY. WELL--
OH. OH, SHIT.
WHAT? IS SOMEBODY
GOING TO CLUE ME IN?
WHAT, ARE YOU A RUSSIAN
SLEEPER AGENT? A PISCES?
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE
A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER?
NO, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL BE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, HOW SHOULD WE PUT THIS?
DARREN IS MARRIED.
WHA--
YOU'RE MAR-- WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN,
YOU SON OF A BITCH?
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE
A BIG DEAL.
OKAY, LISTEN,
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
IT WAS TO A WOMAN.
ACTUALLY, YEAH.
A MAGGIE SMITH.
OH, AND THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
- NO--
- IT'S SHOWING UP THAT THE DIVORCE
HASN'T BEEN
OFFICIALLY TERMINATED,
SO MAGGIE JUST HAS TO COME
AND SIGN
A LITTLE DOCUMENT HERE,
AND EVERYTHING CAN GO BACK
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
OKAY, SEE? SEE? LOOK.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, DEAN.
I THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD'VE
SIGNED THE DAMN THINGS
AND SENT THEM IN.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT.
YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT?
YOU FORGOT THAT YOU WERE STILL MARRIED?
NO, I DIDN'T FORGE ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
- JUST GIVE US A SECOND.
- OKAY, SURE.
LOOK,
AFTER THE MARRIAGE FAILED,
I JUST WENT ON WITH MY LIFE,
YOU KNOW, AS A GAY MAN.
AND I CAME TO ACCEP THE HARSH REALITY
THAT I WOULD PROBABLY
NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.
GUYS, IF YOU CAN REMEMBER,
IT WAS JUST A SHORT TIME AGO
THAT IT WAS UNIMAGINABLE
FOR TWO MEN TO GET MARRIED.
OH, DON'T USE THAT CARD.
I AM USING THAT CARD
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- AND, LOOK, I JUST--
- WHO-- WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M THE SAME GUY I WAS
FIVE MINUTES AGO, DEAN.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
BI, CLOSETED STRAIGHT,
A LIAR.
OKAY, STOP IT. STOP IT.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YEAH, OKAY,
WELL, WHAT DARREN IS SAYING
IS THAT HE'S
A COMMITTED GAY MAN AND, UH--
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
IT ONLY LASTED TWO YEARS.
WE WERE YOUNG.
I MEAN, SHE WAS NICE,
BUT IT WAS COMPLETELY
MEANINGLESS AND WRONG.
NO, THE WEDDING.
I ASSUME YOU HAD A WEDDING.
YEAH, IT WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE,
PERFUNCTORY
RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM,
TON OF FOOD,
YOU KNOW, IT WAS A--
A REAL WEDDING.
A REAL WEDDING.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
A "REAL" WEDDING?
WHAT IS THIS?
OH, LOOK!
YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ARRIVED.
HEY, GUYS.
GUYS, COME ON.
THIS IS GONNA BE
A GREAT WEDDING.
DEAN, I WILL CALL MAGGIE.
I WILL MAKE SURE
THAT SHE SIGNS THE PAPERS.
IT'LL BE GREAT.
IT'LL BE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
A REAL WEDDING, HUH?
JUST WOW.
HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THIS CALL?
I LEFT HER.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY.
HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS?
LOVE FINDS A WAY.
A WOMAN! YEAH!
- IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BUT...
- VERY BAD.
HEY, WAIT, YOU GUYS
ARE NOT DOWN ON DARREN, ARE YOU?
FOR WHAT? FOR REACHING INTO THOSE
CHERRY TOMATOES AT THE SALAD BAR?
I MEAN, THE GUY'S BEEN THERE.
HE'S DONE THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU DON'T WANT HIM THINKING
AND DOING AND QUESTIONING
AND GAY MIND-FUCKING
YOUR MARRIAGE.
YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR PAS BECAUSE YOU
ARE HIS FUTURE NOW.
NAMASTE.
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE'S DONE EXPERIMENTING?
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.
I JUST HAVE
A BIGGER SALAD BAR.
MORE LIKE A VEGAS BUFFET.
JUST AS LONG
AS THEY KEEP ON BRINGING OU THOSE BREAKFAST SAUSAGES...
HEY, YOU GUYS
WANNA JOIN THE PARTY?
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME.
GO AHEAD INSIDE NOW.
PARTY!
SOUNDS GOOD, MY BROTHER.
MORE LIKE HALF-BROTHER.
BUT STILL PAR OF THAT GLORIOUS RAINBOW.
COME ON, PEOPLE, NOW!
YEAH,
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
WOW. I'M NOT SURE
MY HEALTH INSURANCE
- COVERS ME FOR THIS WEDDING.
- OKAY.
HELLO, MAGGIE?
HI, IT'S DARREN.
DARREN.
UH, DARREN
YOUR FORMER HUSBAND DARREN.
YEAH.
WELL, I-- I'M DOING.
I'M DOING.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
HELLO?
I GOT SOME INTERFERENCE.
HOLD ON.
IS THAT BETTER?
GREAT, GREAT.
OH, HI, MAGGIE--
OH, GOD!
NO, NO, NO, DON'T HANG UP.
WHAT?
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
AN EASY JOB.
YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.
THIS IS
THE ROCK HUDSON UPGRADE.
HE JUST WANTED TO
TAKE IT APAR TO FIND THE CLOG
IN THE PIPE.
HE WANTS TO KNOW
THE LAST TIME IT WAS WORKING.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST, LIKE, FROZE UP
DURING IN THE BLIZZARD OF '77,
AND I DON'T THINK
IT EVER MELTED INSIDE.
DON'T TELL HIM THAT!
EVEN THOUGH I THINK THAT'S
ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT IS HE-- IS HE--
AT LEAST I GO THE YEAR RIGHT.
TO THE GAY MARRIED LIFE!
RUSSELL, MAYA...
LET'S ALL GROW OLD TOGETHER.
- YEAH.
- YES. LET'S!
DOES THIS EVEN COUN AS A GAY WEDDING?
I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, AREN'T THEY
A HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I'M JUST SAYING, TECHNICALLY
THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WAI FOR THE SUPREME COURT RULING,
ONLY UNTIL RUSSELL'S
HORMONES KICKED IN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE
THE "T" OUT OF LGBT, HUH?
- THANK YOU.
- OOH, NOW, THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY NICE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS, TALK TO DARREN,
FIND OU IF OUR WEDDING IS REAL.
IF YOU ASK ME,
HE PLAYS IT A LITTLE TOO STRAIGH TO BE ON OUR SIDE
OF THE FIELD.
I MEAN, NOT THAT THERE'S
ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
I MEAN, I KIND OF LIKE THEM
LIKE THAT, TOO,
BUT TO MARRY?
YOU BE CAREFUL.
OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!
OOH, OOH! OOH, OOH!
SO, I'VE DECIDED--
I HAVE TO GET IN THE SHOWER.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME
THAT WE HAVE A REAL WEDDING.
- DEAN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER.
- NO--
- RIGHT NOW.
NO, YOU NEED TO HEAR ME.
I CAN'T.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
- WHAT-- IS THAT YOU?
- YES, IT'S ME. OKAY?
AMAZINGLY, ONE OF YOUR TOXIC
PARANOID FANTASIES
HAS ACTUALLY MATERIALIZED...
ALL OVER ME,
AND I HAVE TO GE IN THE SHOWER.
RIGHT NOW.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS
IS THAT MAGGIE'S AGREED
TO SIGN THE PAPERS
AND DRIVE UP.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
SHE JUST NEVER REMARRIED,
SO SHE NEVER SENT THEM IN.
- SHE'LL SIGN EVERYTHING.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WAS?
MY CHARM. BEING NICE.
NO, THE HORRIBLE LIQUID
ON YOU. WHAT IS IT?
SOME SORT OF SLUDGE.
IT SEEMS TO BE COMING OFF.
I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE
IS KILLING US!
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
OUT OF THE JACUZZI?
UP FROM THE CRACKS
IN THE SIDEWALK?
OH, NO, NOT THE BED.
THERE'S BEEN A SPILL
AT THE CHEMICAL PLANT!
WE'VE GOTTA GE OUT OF HERE NOW!
STOP IT!
IT'S ALMOST ALL OFF.
I WAS TRYING TO GET RECEPTION AND
PRIVACY AND AWAY FROM THE MUSIC,
AND SOMEHOW
I WALKED OUT THERE.
RELAX, I WAS, LIKE,
A HUNDRED YARDS FROM THE MOTEL.
BELIEVE ME,
NO ONE'S VENTURING OUT THERE.
LIBERATE YOURSELF!
NO FEAR!
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
MY GOD.
TAKE THIS.
I BELIEVE THERE'S
A MISTAKE HERE.
IS THERE ANOTHER
RAINBOW BRIDGE HOTEL
OR RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
OUR GPS BROUGHT US HERE.
I MEAN, WE KNOW THAT THERE'S
AN ACTUAL RAINBOW BRIDGE,
BUT THIS CANNO POSSIBLY BE IT.
WELCOME TO THE ONE AND ONLY
RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
AND YOU TWO MUST BE DEAN--
DARREN'S PARENTS.
AM I RIGHT?
- DARREN'S? ARE--
- THIS IS IT?
JUST ONE SECOND.
THEY'RE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE
THE NEW RECRUITS FOR NEXT YEAR.
TAKE THAT THING OFF NOW!
- THIS IS YOUR SON'S WEDDING!
- IN A SECOND!
THEY'RE GONNA NAME
THE NEW QUARTERBACK.
DON'T YOU CARE?
IT'S THE QUARTERBACK.
THIS COULD DETERMINE
THE FATE OF THE BUCKEYES
FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!
- YOU ARE SICK.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S A MIRACLE THAT I'M EVEN
PICKING UP COLUMBUS
RIGHT ON THE BORDER
OF CANADA.
HE SAYS THIS IS THE PLACE.
OKAY, FINE.
WHERE'S OUR ROOM?
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN
WHERE YOU ARE?
YEAH, IT'S A DUMP.
AT LEAS IT'S NOT COSTING US ANYTHING.
GIVE ME BACK THE HAT NOW!
HEY, THEY GOT MAZURSKY.
THEY GOT MAZURSKY!
REALLY? I MISSED IT?
I MISSED IT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED IT.
TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
YOUR GRAND OMISSION?
IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO STOMACH.
UGH, FINE.
I'M SORRY.
BUT NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
AND ALL THA OTHER STUFF'S JUST--
IT'S IN THE PAST.
I NEED A CROSS.
I NEED A REAL PRIES AND A REAL CHURCH,
AND DARE I SAY IT,
A REAL WEDDING.
WHAT? UM, REALLY?
NO. THAT'S NO WHAT YOU SAID.
I THOUGHT THAT WE AGREED
ON A NONRELIGIOUS CEREMONY.
WELL, THINGS HAVE CHANGED,
HAVEN'T THEY?
AND WHAT DO YOU CARE?
A CROSS?
IT'S WHAT I NEED, DARREN.
WELL, MY MOM,
SHE'S GONNA FLIP OUT.
YOUR MOTHER?
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH YOUR MOTHER?
REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU
YOU KNEW EVERYTHING?
OH, GOD.
SO, MY MOM,
SHE THINKS THAT MY FAMILY,
THAT, UH-- THAT ME--
THAT WE ARE JEWISH.
- JEWISH?
- IN HER MIND.
HER FATHER'S MOTHER
WAS BORN JEWISH,
WHICH MAKES HER FATHER
TECHNICALLY JEWISH,
AND IN THE REFORM TRADITION,
SHE CAN BE A JEW
IF THE FATHER'S JEWISH,
WHICH MEANS SHE IS A JEW
'CAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE,
AND THAT'S OKAY
ACCORDING TO THE REFORM WORLD,
WHICH MAKES ME JEWISH
BECAUSE I HAVE A JEWISH MOTHER.
OKAY?
GROW SOME BALLS, DARREN.
THEY'VE DRIVEN
VERY FAR TO GET HERE,
ALL THE WAY
FROM COLUMBUS, OHIO,
AND THEY'RE STAYING HERE.
SO?
MY MOTHER JUST DROVE
IN FROM OTTAWA, ONTARIO.
OH, I SEE.
YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY'S
MAKING A BIGGER SACRIFICE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STAYING
IN THE MOTEL 666,
SO WE SHOULD CATER
TO THEM MORE.
WELL, MY MOTHER IS STAYING
WITH HER WITCH OF AN AUNT JUDY
IN AN APARTMENT ABOVE A BURGER
KING/FRANKENSTEIN FUNHOUSE COMBO
IN NIAGARA FALLS, ONTARIO.
SHE JUST TEXTED ME
AND SAID SHE ENTERED
THE APARTMEN THROUGH A GIANT WEDGE
OF MELTED CHEESE.
IT'S PRETTY CLOSE.
LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT. OKAY?
IT TOOK MY MOTHER YEARS TO
ACCEPT ME BEING GAY,
AND SHE'S JUST NOW COMING AROUND TO
ACCEPTING ME MARRYING ANOTHER MAN,
AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE
TO HANDLE A GAY WEDDING
AND AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.
BUT I'M NOT JEWISH.
WE'RE ALREADY HAVING
AN INTERFAITH WEDDING.
I KNOW, BUT NOT CALLING
ATTENTION TO I SOMEHOW MAKES
IT MORE PALATABLE.
THIS IS INSANE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?
BECAUSE I KNOW!
I GUESS I'M JUST JEWISH ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS
A JEWISH MOTHER.
HOW DID YOU AND MAGGIE
WORK AROUND THIS?
WELL,
SHE AGREED TO BE JEWISH,
AND WE GOT MARRIED
IN A TEMPLE WITH A RABBI.
IT WAS VERY LIGH ON THE TRADITIONAL STUFF,
AND LIKE I SAID,
IT HAD NO MEANING TO ME AT ALL.
WELL, I'M NOT AGREEING
TO BEING JEWISH,
AND SINCE YOUR FAITH
DOESN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU,
BUT MINE DOES TO ME,
I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
WHY I NEED A CROSS AND A JESUS
AND A PRIEST, ESPECIALLY NOW.
I AM GETTING A CHURCH.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
OH, MY GOD, DEAN.
DEAN.
DEAN.
THE JACUZZI'S STILL NOT FIXED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY ARE YOU JUST--
WHY DOES HE JUST-- JUST--
HE WON'T TALK.
OH, MY GOD.
PUT THAT AWAY! NO!
SHE SAY YOU ARE DEVIL MAN.
DEVIL MAN? SHE'S DRINKING
THE HORMONE THERAPY!
OH, MY GOD,
IT'S THE LADY FROM THE AGENCY.
...WON'T LET HER HAVE
ENERGY DRINK--
ENERGY DRINK? IT'S MEDICINE
FOR ONE OF OUR GUESTS
TO HELP HIM GROW--
HER GROW A BEARD
OR SOME OTHER THING.
GIVE IT TO ME!
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHY DID I EAT THAT PIZZA?
OKAY.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, DOES THE TIN FAMILY
MAKE THEIR RESIDENCE HERE?
- YES--
- HE DEVIL MAN.
JUST GO BACK.
JUST SOME NASTY SIDE EFFECTS
FROM A DRUG ISSUE.
PLEASE!
SO I'VE DECIDED I WANNA GE MARRIED IN A CHURCH.
LISTEN TO YOU.
TAKING CHARGE. I LIKE IT.
BUT THAT'S OF COURSE IF A CHURCH
WILL HAVE YOUR QUEER ASS.
SHUT UP, BRADLEY.
LOOK WHO'S COME OUT.
THAT WAS QUICKER THAN A FRESHMAN
IN THE NYU THEATER DEPARTMENT.
COME ON.
YOU LOOK PRETTY.
LET'S DO IT!
IN JANUARY, YOU FILED
WITH MR. TIN FOR AN EXTENSION
FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS
OF HOUSING SUPPORT,
I ASSUME
FOR THE TIN FAMILY.
YOU DON'T APPEAR TO BE
A POLITICAL REFUGEE
FROM MYANMAR.
NO, I'M NOT.
I JUST PROVIDE THEM HOUSING,
- AND THEN WE--
- IT SAYS MR. TIN IS YOUR PARTNER
IN AN ALTERNATIVE
LIFESTYLE MOTEL?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT HERE,
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL!
UH...
WE DON'T GIVE OUT EXTENSIONS.
AS YOU KNOW,
SIX MONTHS IS THE LIMIT.
AND THAT IS WHY TIN AND I
PARTNERED IN THE MOTEL.
SO, IN A SENSE,
THE SIX-MONTH EXTENSION
WHERE HE PAYS ME THE REN THAT YOU PROVIDE HIM
IS LIKE HIM BUYING
INTO THE BUSINESS.
RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE STARTUP CAPITAL.
THE FAMILY LIVES HERE,
HELPS OUT AROUND THE MOTEL,
AND A CLASSIC
NIAGARA FALLS LANDMARK
IS SAVED FROM THE
EVER-PRESENT WRECKING BALL.
IT'S A WIN-WIN ALL AROUND.
THESE ARE POLITICAL REFUGEES,
MR. SHIBBAWITZ,
FROM A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY.
SOME OF THEM BARELY KNOW
HOW TO FLUSH A TOILET.
MY GRANDFATHER
WAS A POLITICAL REFUGEE,
AND HE STARTED THIS PLACE
80 YEARS AGO.
BELIEVE ME,
MY BURMESE FAMILY
HAS THE SAME STREET SMARTS,
DEDICATION,
AND WORK ETHIC THAT HE HAD.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
THESE PEOPLE.
WE ARE ONTO SOMETHING HERE
AT THE RAINBOW--
- A GAY MARRIAGE DESTINATION. REALLY, MR. SHIBBAWITZ?
- ABSOLUTELY!
WE'VE TAILORED EVERYTHING TO
THIS NEW EMERGING REALITY.
OH, LIKE THAT POSTER?
MORE LIKE THAT.
- HUH. YOU KNOW.
- HMM.
SO THAT WAS QUITE
A PLACE YOU CHOSE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE TOP
RECRUIT ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE A DESIGNER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S WHAT YOU COME UP WITH
FOR YOUR WEDDING, DARREN?
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
I DID GET TAKEN IN
A LITTLE BIT BY AN ONLINE AD,
BUT IT'S NOT A COMPLETE LOSS.
THE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLY,
AND IT DOES HAVE
ITS OWN UNIQUE AESTHETIC.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
EARLY APOCALYPSE?
MOM, YOU THINK
HE DOESN'T KNOW?
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS?
I THOUGHT HE WAS STRAIGH UNTIL THEY WHEELED ME IN
FOR MY HIP SURGERY.
- THAT'S WHEN YOU TOLD MOM?
- WELL, SHE WAS MUTTERING
THE COMBINATION OF THE SAFE
AND WHAT FONT SHE WANTED
ON HER GRAVESTONE,
SO I JUST THOUGHT,
"BETTER COME CLEAN."
WELL,
IT WAS A VERY SELFISH ACT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ATIVANS
THEY HAD TO GIVE ME
TO KNOCK ME OU BEFORE THAT SURGERY
AFTER HEARING THAT?
FINALLY, THEY HAD TO INJECT ME
WITH SODIUM PENTOTHAL
TO PUT ME
IN A MEDICALLY-INDUCED COMA.
I WAS VOMITING FOR WEEKS.
SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
SWEETIE,
WE DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.
YOU WERE AT COLLEGE
TAKING YOUR LSATS, OKAY?
WELL, I APOLOGIZE... AGAIN.
BUT I'M NOT SURE IF THERE EVER
WOULD'VE BEEN A GOOD TIME
TO TELL YOU.
IT'S ALL WATER
UNDER THE BRIDGE.
LISTEN TO HIM. HE DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.
HE HASN'T STOPPED LISTENING
TO THAT DAMN SPORTS HA SINCE I GAVE IT TO HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS. YOU KNOW THAT?
SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS,
IT IS PROBABLY
A GREAT TIME TO TELL YOU
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
JUST A LITTLE BI OF A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.
WHAT?
DID YOU HEAR THAT, FRANK?
- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THEY'RE INTERVIEWING MAZURSKY,
THE NEW QUARTERBACK RECRUIT.
- STOP IT.
- GIVE ME A SECOND.
STOP IT.
YOUR SON JUST ANNOUNCED
HE'S HAVING A CHRISTIAN WEDDING.
SO? I'M CHRISTIAN.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
THEY NEVER WENT TO CHURCH
WHEN HE WAS A KID.
SO? HE NEVER WEN TO A BUCKEYES GAME WITH ME,
BUT IF YOU ASK HIM
WHO HIS FOOTBALL TEAM IS,
HE WOULD SAY
IT'S OHIO STATE, RIGHT?
YEAH, EXACTLY.
YEAH-- RIGHT, SURE.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT DARREN'S
A BIG BOY,
AND HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS,
AND YOU NEED TO JUST STAY
OUT OF IT.
AND YOU NEED
TO JUST KEEP LISTENING
TO YOUR DAMN SPORTS HAT.
I NEED A CIGARETTE.
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.
WE HAVE WEDDING HERE.
AND HOW MANY
HAVE YOU HAD HERE?
FIRST ONE YESTERDAY.
AND DEAN AND DARREN'S
TOMORROW.
YES, TOMORROW, TOO.
AND MORE COMING ONLINE
ALL THE TIME.
I AM FINE.
I AM FINE. NO PROBLEM.
ISN'T ALEX SUPPOSED TO
BE HANDLING THAT?
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
DANCING.
THEY'RE GUESTS.
WE'RE THE WORKERS.
BUT I'M WORKING--
HELP THE CELEBRATE, PARTY!
WHAT'S WITH THE GETUP HERE?
WHAT--
IT FEELS RIGHT. YOU LIKE IT?
SURE, SURE, SURE.
- DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?
- WHAT?
DOES YOUR DAD KNOW ABOUT THIS?
LOOK, REBECCA'S WORKING
ON THE CHURCH,
DECORATING THE CHAPEL
RIGHT NOW.
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
NOW! THE WOMAN
FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.
- OH! HEY. HI, THERE.
- HEY.
IT'S QUITE A PARTY HERE. HUH?
TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY.
WE'RE PREPARING
THE CHAPEL RIGHT NOW.
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
LISTEN, PLEASE DON'T TAKE
THIS THE WRONG WAY.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
WELL, I'VE DECIDED
THAT I WANT A--
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEED
MY WEDDING TO TAKE PLACE
IN A REAL CHURCH
WITH A REAL PRIEST.
SO WHILE I THANK YOU,
THERE'S BEEN
A CHANGE IN PLANS.
I'M A LICENSED
CHRISTIAN MINISTER.
I PREACHED FOR TWO YEARS
IN MISSOURI.
TWO YEARS!
AT JEWS FOR JESUS RETREAT.
ACTUALLY IT WAS MORE
OF A RESORT,
BUT...
WE DID A WONDERFUL BUSINESS,
BY THE WAY.
THE BUSINESS OF SAVING SOULS,
OF COURSE.
THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT.
BUT, YOU SEE, I'M CATHOLIC,
SO...
I CAN DO A CATHOLIC FLAVOR
LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
SERIOUSLY, I'LL DO THE WHOLE
THING IN LATIN. THE WHOLE THING.
HERE, I-- I HAVE "CRISTUS,"
I HAVE "AD NUOM,"
UH, "ET BENEDICTO."
IT'S IN THERE.
I KNOW IT'S IN THERE.
I'M COMMITTING MY LIFE
TO ONE PERSON,
SO I NEED SOMEONE WHO'S COMMITTED
THEIR LIFE TO ONE THING.
DO YOU THINK THAT I WOULD
PERMANENTLY ETCH THIS INTO MY--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.
HOLD ON.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
THAT'S COMMITMENT.
A JEW WITH A CROSS.
LOOK AT THAT.
I APPRECIATE IT.
I REALLY DO.
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
I NEED FOR ME.
I'M-- I'M SORRY.
I UNDERSTAND. NO PROBLEM.
HEY, MAN, THIS--
THIS IS AN AWESOME TATTOO.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT GANESH BRINGS GOOD LUCK?
EXCUSE ME.
JUST HAVE A RABBI PRESENT.
IS THAT SO HARD?
YOUR FATHER AND I
WILL PAY FOR IT.
I'LL EVEN FIND YOU ONE.
YOU GOTTA STOP
THE JEWISH THING.
WE HAD A CHRISTMAS TREE
WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.
YOU'RE SITTING THERE EATING
A BOURBON BACON BURGER
AT A BUSTER BARN.
WHAT PART OF THAT IS JEWISH?
ALL OF IT!
EXCEPT THE BUSTER BARN!
HE'S GOT A POINT, MOM.
THANK YOU.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO AS JEWS,
WE GET TO EAT BACON
ONCE IN A WHILE
WITHOUT ANY ONE PERSON GETTING
STONED TO DEATH FOR IT.
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH
HAVING A TREE, HUH? HUH?
WHY CAN'T WE ENJOY THE FRUITS
OF OTHER RELIGIONS?
IT DOESN'T MEAN
I GOTTA GIVE UP MINE.
SURE, FINE, AND THAT SOMEHOW
WORKS FOR YOU.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW,
BUT SOMEHOW IT DOES.
BUT THIS IS MY WEDDING.
YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS TO ME,
AREN'T YOU?
LOOK AT ME, DARREN.
IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS OF
FIVE-DAY-A-WEEK THERAPY SESSIONS,
A NASTY XANAX ADDICTION,
AND ENDLESS WATCHING
OF THOSE BORING
PBS DOCUMENTARIES
TO FINALLY ACCEP THIS GAY MARRIAGE THING.
AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME
TO ABANDON MY FAITH?
- MY GOD!
- SHH.
- SHH.
- I EVEN MADE YOUR FATHER WATCH "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN." TWICE!
AND THEN WENT OUT AND GO BUY
THE BLU-RAY EDITION.
HE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE
AT BEST BUY
FOR 10 MINUTES HOLDING
THAT THING
IN FRONT OF ALL THE NEIGHBORS
ON BLACK FRIDAY.
WE'VE MADE SACRIFICES.
AND I'M JUST ASKING
FOR THIS ONE THING?
OH, GOD, I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE
OF DEAN.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE.
AND THAT'S AFTER HE'S ALREADY
ROLLED A HOLE TO CHINA!
MOM, YOU NEED TO STOP.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET MARRIED
LIKE HE DID WITH MAGGIE?
WAS THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH THAT?
THE RABBI DID
SUCH A MARVELOUS JOB.
WELL, MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH,
AND SHE'LL BE HERE SOON.
MAGGIE'S STILL JEWISH?
SHE'S COMING TO THE WEDDING?
TURNS OUT SHE DIDN'T SIGN
THE DIVORCE PAPERS,
SO SHE'LL BE HERE.
SHE LIVES IN BINGHAMTON.
SHE'S A PROFESSOR
AT A UNIVERSITY.
- REALLY?
- DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, MOM.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
ISAAC? I JUST LOVE HER.
SHE'S WONDERFUL.
I ALWAYS LIKED HER.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
MOM, DO NOT START ANYTHING.
SHE'S COMING HERE
AND SHE'S SIGNING THE PAPERS,
AND SHE'S LEAVING.
THAT'S ALL.
WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PLACE?
IT'S PERFECT.
OKAY, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T EVER RANK ANYTHING
ON TRIPADVISOR.COM
I USE IT. DON'T NEED
THE EXTRA FEEDBACK.
WHY, DO YOU THINK
WE'RE IN DANGER?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE ARE GAY,
HANGING OUT IN KLAN TERRITORY,
LOITERING IN FRON OF THEIR CHURCH.
I MEAN, IT SEEMS
LIKE WE HIT THE TRIFECTA.
THEN MAYBE
WE SHOULD TURN BACK.
NO, I'M SURE WE'LL BE FINE.
JUST-- COME ON.
JUST BUTCH IT UP A BIT.
- OH, OKAY. UM...
- YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS ISN'T "WEST SIDE STORY."
DOWN. IT'S BETTER DOWN?
JUST HURRY UP BEFORE
THAT CROSS GOES UP IN FLAMES.
A PLACE LIKE THIS MIGHT BE
AVAILABLE
BECAUSE IT'S
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
HELLO. HOW CAN I HELP YOU
FINE YOUNG MEN?
GENTLEMEN,
ISN'T GOD'S HOUSE BEAUTIFUL?
OH, I FEEL INSPIRED
BY THE HOLY SPIRI EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS
INCREDIBLE PLACE.
WOW, IT'S--
IT'S UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL.
OF COURSE, WE HAD A BALL SAIL
THROUGH THAT WINDOW
A FEW YEARS AGO.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE SIGN
THAT THIS TRULY IS A VIBRANT,
FAMILY NEIGHBORHOOD.
BRADLEY,
IT'S EVERYTHING WE WANTED.
LOOK AT THAT CHANDELIER.
OH, THIS CHANDELIER
IS THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING.
I MADE A SNOWMAN ONCE
IN THREE HOURS...
AND THEN I GOT BORED
AND SAT ON IT.
- CAN WE TURN IT ON, FATHER?
- YEAH, SOME OF THE WIRES--
I-- I FORGOT TO MENTION,
DID YOU NOTICE OUR INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL CHURCH ORGAN?
WOW.
ARE YOU BOYS FROM THE CASINO?
- WHAT?
- UH, NO, NO. UH...
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY
CASINO GUYS.
- IS MY COLLAR STILL UP?
- NO, NO.
NO, UH, TRUTHFULLY,
I DON'T REALLY EVEN GAMBLE.
THAT'S A SIN, RIGHT?
YOU ARE LOOKING
FOR A SPIRITUAL HOME?
UH, NO.
WELL, YES, BUT...
DO YOU STILL HOLD
SERVICES HERE?
I GUESS, COMMUNIONS,
MASSES, WEDDINGS?
WE STILL HAVE A SUNDAY MASS.
IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS
SINCE WE'VE HAD A WEDDING.
ARE YOU AFFILIATED
WITH THE CHURCH RIGHT NOW?
I'M SEARCHING.
STILL SEARCHING.
BUT THIS PLACE IS GREAT,
FATHER.
WELL, I AM CATHOLIC, AND I--
OH, PERFECT.
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU
AS OUR GUESTS
FOR SUNDAY SERVICE.
THAT'S INCREDIBLY KIND OF YOU.
BUT WE'RE HERE--
WELL, I'M HERE
BECAUSE I JUST, UH...
CAN I MAKE A CONFESSION?
FORGIVE ME, FATHER,
FOR I HAVE SINNED.
IT'S BEEN 525,600 MINUTES
SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.
OH, GOD.
I'M SORRY.
GO AHEAD, MY SON.
WELL, YOU SEE, FATHER,
I'M GAY AND--
OH, REALLY.
WELL, WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, AND--
NO, I'M NOT CONFESSING
THAT AS A SIN.
I'M ACTUALLY COMPLETELY FINE
AND PROUD OF BEING GAY.
I'M NOT SURE
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,
BUT TRUTHFULLY, I DON'T EVEN
WANNA CONFESS ANYTHING.
I JUST--
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M GETTING MARRIED.
TO A WOMAN?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
REALLY, FATHER?
TO MY PARTNER DARREN.
YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T BELIEVE
THAT OUR WEDDING IS REAL,
SO I THOUGHT SINCE I STILL
BELIEVE VERY MUCH IN GOD
AND JESUS OR JESUS AND GOD,
OR SOMEWHERE
THE HOLY SPIRIT IS IN THERE,
BUT I THOUGH THAT WE COULD GET MARRIED
BY A REAL CLERGYMAN
IN A REAL CHURCH.
OH. MY SON, THE CHURCH
DOES NOT ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE.
I COULDN'T PERFORM
SUCH A CEREMONY IN A CHURCH.
YOU DON'T NEED ME
TO MAKE YOUR WEDDING REAL.
THE COMMUNION OF TWO SOULS
IS AS REAL AS THE LOVE
THAT YOU HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
THANK YOU, FATHER, BUT...
HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT THE LOVE
THAT SOMEONE ELSE
HAS FOR YOU
IS THE SAME
THAT YOU HAVE FOR THEM?
WHEN THAT PERSON DOES
SOMETHING
THAT NO OTHER PERSON
WOULD DO FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?
HEY, LOOK AT THAT!
THE JACUZZI IS WORKING!
WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS HERE,
LIDIA.
I CAN CALL YOU THAT.
CAN I-- CAN I CALL YOU LIDIA?
WHY WOULD YOU?
IT JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE.
LIDIA, LIDIA.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, SAYA'S THE SENIOR MEMBER
OF THE GROUP.
HE ACTUALLY FIXED THE JACUZZI.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
JUST AMAZING.
HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE IT?
- THERE'S NO BUBBLES!
- IT'S KIND OF COLD.
AWESOME KIDDIE POOL, DUDE.
YOU ARE THE MANISCHEWITZ.
WHOO!
WELL, MR. SHIBBAWITZ,
THIS HAS BEEN
AN ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCE,
BUT I'M NOT VERY CONVINCED
THAT THIS IS GOING TO WORK.
OH, BUT IT IS WORKING,
MISS CARMICHAEL.
ONE WEDDING
IS HARDLY A SUCCESS STORY.
NO, IT'S TWO WEDDINGS.
- MANISCHEWITZ.
- YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
MR. SHIBBAWITZ, I HEARD
THAT YOUNG GAY MAN CLEARLY SAY
HE IS NOT GETTING
MARRIED HERE.
AND TO BE HONEST,
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
THAT YOUNG MAN WILL BE BACK.
NO CATHOLIC CHURCH
IS GOING TO MARRY TWO MEN.
I DON'T THINK THE POPE
IS GOING TO RENEGE
ON 2,000 YEARS
OF CATHOLIC DOCTRINE
IN THE NEXT 12 HOURS.
THEN WHY DIDN' YOU TELL HIM THAT?
BECAUSE THIS IS
WHAT HE NEEDED TO DO.
THIS IS HIS JOURNEY,
AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL FIND.
I'M NOT HERE TO SQUASH
A PERSON'S DREAMS.
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL,
WE MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE.
IF HE'S GETTING MARRIED
HERE TOMORROW,
YOU PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM.
MAYBE, BUT HAVEN' THEY BEEN TOLD
ENOUGH THINGS
THEY CAN'T DO, LIDIA?
LOOK, ANOTHER GUEST.
HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
NO, I CAN WAI TILL YOU'RE FINISHED.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
I WAS JUST FINISHING UP HERE.
- HI.
- HI.
I'M NOT SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE.
I'M HERE TO SIGN
SOME MARRIAGE PAPERS
- FOR MY FORMER--
- OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
YOUR NAME IS...
- MAGGIE.
- MAGGIE! MAGGIE!
NOT ANOTHER GUEST.
SHE'S ACTUALLY MARRIED
TO DEAN. UH, DARREN.
DARREN IS MARRYING DEAN--
THE YOUNG MAN WE MET.
MR. SHIBBAWITZ, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.
AHEAD? REALLY?
I'LL TAKE THAT.
- OH, GOD.
- IT'S TIME TO FEED THE BURT REYNOLDS.
IT'S MORE LIKE MEATLOAF.
OOH!
AREN'T YOU A SWEET THANG.
UGH. NO THANKS.
MY MEDICAL THERMOS?
YES, YES,
YOUR MEDICAL THERMOS.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SUCH A STATELY
CHARM ABOUT YOU.
A VERY CONSERVATIVE BEAUTY.
ALL THIS LIGH THAT COMES FROM YOU.
AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE...
...IT JUST COMES
RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
YOU JUST--
YOU LOOK BRIGHT.
OH, I SEE.
THAT SMILE! I CAN'T SEE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUS FILLING OUT THIS FORM
THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO BE NEEDING
FOR YOUR EXTENSION.
REALLY?
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL
TRULY IS
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE MOTEL.
WHOO!
IT WAS A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE DISPLAY,
BUT, YOU KNOW...
- DARREN!
- MOM?
DARREN! CONGRATULATIONS!
OH, MAGGIE!
- OH, MY GOD. HI, FRAN!
- HI.
- WE THOUGHT THAT YOU GOT SUCKED INTO...
- GET OUT OF MY WAY.
ONE OF THOSE
GIANT VENTS OUT THERE.
WE DID!
AND WE LOST IT.
SO, HERE YOU GO AGAIN, HUH?
THIS PLACE IS--
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
THE ONLY GIRL FOR MY BOY.
- THAT WOULD BE YOU.
- THAT'S VERY SWEET, FRAN,
BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY.
I'M SURE SHE'S WONDERFUL.
AWESOME!
- HI, DARREN.
- HI, MAGGIE.
WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
- YOU HAVEN'T AGED A DAY.
- DOESN'T SHE KNOW?
THANK YOU.
AND YOU, TOO.
YOU LOOK EXACTLY
THE WAY I REMEMBER YOU.
EXCEPT I DON'T THINK I EVER SAW
THAT COLOR SHIRT ON YOU.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS THE SAME.
I'LL JUST GO GE THE PAPERS, MAGGIE,
AND GET YOUR OLD JOHN HANCOCK
AND GET YOU
RIGHT ON YOUR WAY. OKAY?
THAT SOUND GOOD? OKAY.
I GUESS, CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH! OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A HUG.
THAT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.
OKAY. OKAY.
GREAT.
SO, UH... THANKS, MAGGIE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE THAT YOU'RE
DOING THIS FOR ME.
I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
HOW WAS THE DRIVE?
NOT BAD.
ONLY 2 1/2, 3 HOURS.
OH, GREAT, GREAT.
THIS SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT LONG.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PAGE
THAT NEEDS TO BE SIGNED.
YOU CAN STILL MAKE IT BACK
WITH ENOUGH DAYLIGHT DRIVING.
- HAVE YOU TOLD HER?
- MOM...
MAGGIE AND I HAVE TALKED
ABOUT THIS,
- AND WE'RE GOOD.
- WE WHAT?
DO NOT BRING THAT UP.
SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO KNOW
AT THIS POINT.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
THIS WASN'T THE THING
YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL ME
WHEN WE GOT DISCONNECTED,
IS IT?
DARREN TELLS ME THA YOU'RE STILL JEWISH, MAGGIE.
YEAH, YEAH,
I SAID I WAS JEWISH AT THE WEDDING,
- AND I STILL AM.
- FANTASTIC.
WORKS FOR ME.
- I'CHAIM!
- YEAH!
- LOOK AT THAT FACE.
- OH, GOD.
I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED
UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? ARE YOU A
BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN NOW OR SOMETHING?
WHAT IS THIS?
NO, NO.
I'M EXACTLY THE SAME.
NO, I'M NOT.
UM, I JUST WANTED
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU KNOW, UH...
- I GOT THE PAPERS RIGHT HERE, MAGGIE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME ON
OVER HERE,
STEP UP TO THE COUNTER,
AND-- AND SIGN.
WOW, YOU REALLY DON'T WASTE
ANY TIME HERE, DO YOU?
SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE?
GET ME IN, GET ME OUT?
NO, NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT HOW IT IS.
LISTEN, MAGGIE, WHY DON'T YOU AND
DARREN GO OFF SOMEWHERE AND TALK?
- SHE TOOK A LONG RIDE HERE.
- I UNDERSTAND.
IT COULD BE AWKWARD
FOR YOUR FIANCEE.
IS SHE HERE?
UH...
YOU MADE MOTEL
INTO GAY PARTY HOUSE!
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU--
MY SON TURN
INTO GAY RIGHT HERE.
TIN, WE HAVE GUESTS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
THE LADY
FROM THE AGENCY'S HERE.
EXCUSE ME. HERE'S YOUR PEN.
YOU CAN SIGN IT.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
GET IN THERE.
- WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
- THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL--
- HELLO THERE, DARREN.
- HELL.
WE'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING OUT.
DEAN DIDN' SCARE YOU STRAIGHT, DID HE?
OR MAYBE HE HAS.
HELLO, I'M BRADLEY,
DEAN'S BEST FRIEND.
DEAN?
FRAN, DARREN'S MOTHER.
AND THIS HERE
IS OUR LOVELY MAGGIE.
THEY WERE ABOUT TO GO GE SOME COFFEE.
EXCUSE US.
THIS MOTEL MADE
MY SON INTO GAY.
TIN, THE KID
IS FINALLY HAPPY.
YOU SAID THIS MOTEL
WAS FOR US!
SHOULD WE GO BACK
TO THE WAY IT WAS,
WAITING FOR TRUCKERS TO CHECK IN
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH TO MEET UP WITH THEIR HOOKERS
AND METH DEALERS?
OH, I'M-- I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M-- I'M SO SORRY.
WHERE'S MY HORMONES?
MY HORMONES ARE GONE!
- DAW THOUGHT IT WAS AN ENERGY DRINK.
- THEY'RE GONE!
IT'S JUST NOTHING MORE
THAN A CULTURAL FAUX PAS.
- OH, MY GOD!
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
ARE YOU OKAY?
CAN I GET YOU A--
I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
LET ME GET YOU SOME ICE!
PLEASE, MOM, NO!
I DO NOT NEED ICE!
WE'RE ALL LOVERS HERE, BABY.
DID YOU BLACK OUT?
LET ME SEE YOUR EYES.
- YOU'RE BLEEDING. PUT THIS AGAINST YOUR LIP.
- I AM NOT BLEEDING.
PUPILS ARE THE SAME SIZE.
THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.
I'M FINE! I'M FINE!
EVERYBODY JUST STEP AWAY.
OKAY.
HI, I'M DEAN,
DARREN'S FIANCE.
- YOU MUST BE MAGGIE.
- FIANCE?
DARREN, YOU'RE GAY?
WOW.
GAY? HOW COULD I HAVE NO FIGURED THIS OUT?
YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T PICK UP
ON THE SIGNS, SWEETIE?
BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAPS,
SWEATY T-SHIRTS, MURALS?
- IT'S ALL SO OBVIOUS.
- STAY OUT OF THIS, BRADLEY.
PARDON ME,
BUT I THINK AT THIS POIN WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW.
ARE YOU BUTCH CASSIDY
OR THE SUNDANCE KID?
WELL, HI, I'M MAGGIE,
THE APPARENTLY CLUELESS JILTED EX-WIFE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL HER.
WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I DIDN'T WANNA BOTHER HER.
IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
WHY DOES SHE NEED TO KNOW?
BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH.
I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND
THESE 10 YEARS
WONDERING
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
SHOULD I HAVE DYED
MY HAIR BLONDE?
SHOULD I HAVE COOKED
MORE ITALIAN FOOD?
SHOULD I HAVE WORN THAT BLACK
LEATHER LINGERIE YOU BOUGHT ME?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS OUR THING.
IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
YOURS HAS THOSE BUCKLES.
I THINK I'M GOING TO GO OU AND GET SOME AIR.
GOOD LUCK.
THERE'S NOT ANY OUT THERE.
INCREDIBLE.
AFTER ALL THE RIGHTS
WE'VE FOUGHT FOR,
AND YOU'RE STILL AFRAID,
AREN'T YOU, DARREN?
AFRAID OF WHAT, DEAN?
THIS? YES.
YES, I'M AFRAID OF THIS.
THIS IS MADNESS.
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I WAS HOPING TO AVOID.
NOBODY NEEDED
TO KNOW ANYTHING.
IS THAT WHY
YOU CHOSE THIS PLACE,
TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS HERE
IN THE GAY WEDDING CAPITAL?
IS THAT WHY WE'RE HERE,
THOUSANDS OF MILES
AWAY FROM OUR HOME?
WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS
FROM WORK?
OH, I GET IT.
A GAY DESTINATION WEDDING
IN NIAGARA FALLS
OFFERS A PERFECT EXCUSE
NOT TO INVITE ANYONE
FROM OUR LIVES.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT THE ONE HIDING OUT, DEAN?
YOU'RE A CANADIAN CITIZEN.
YEAH.
IS THAT WHA YOU'RE DOING IN ARIZONA?
WOW. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION
MY ASTHMA.
YOU KNOW I NEED
A DESERT CLIMATE.
I DO, AND I KNOW
THAT YOU WANTED
TO SEE NIAGARA FALLS
JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.
BUT WHEN WE GOT HERE,
I JUST ACCEPTED THE KITSCH FACTOR.
BUT YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT.
LONZIE GETS IT!
LONZIE LIVES IN
AN ABANDONED MISSILE SILO.
THAT'S NOT THE STRONGES ARGUMENT, DARREN!
REALLY?
ARE THOSE STILL AVAILABLE?
WOW, I GET IT.
YOU WANT A NICE, QUIET,
HIDDEN GAY LIFE.
HELL, YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE A FLING
WITH A WOMAN AGAIN SOME DAY.
YOU'RE STILL CLOSETED, DARREN,
IT'S JUST NOW IT'S
A SLIGHTLY ROOMIER ONE.
I WANTED A CROSS
AND A JESUS AND A PRIEST.
I HAD NO IDEA
I NEEDED A PARTNER
WHO WAS WILLING
TO BE HIMSELF.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA IF I HAVE
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
HEY! HEY! HEY!
PARTY IN CANADA!
PARTY IN CANADA-LA-LA-LA!
COME ON. LET'S GO!
IF YOU ASK ME,
I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN HANDLE
ANY FOREIGN AFFAIRS RIGHT NOW
UNTIL YOU TACKLE
YOUR DOMESTIC ISSUES.
MAGGIE. MAGGIE, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST LIKE A PUZZLE.
MAGGIE, I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I SIGNED YOUR PAPERS. THAT'S WHA YOU WANTED. THAT'S WHAT I DID.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW LIFE,
DARREN.
I HOPE YOU'RE
MORE HONEST WITH DEAN
THAN YOU WERE WITH ME.
MAGGIE, THIS IS NO HOW I WANTED TO SEE YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
I'LL HAVE A NICE, PLEASAN THREE-HOUR DRIVE HOME
THINKING ABOUT NOTHING ELSE
EXCEPT HOW I TURNED
THE MAN I LOVE
INTO LOVING ANOTHER MAN.
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
BELIEVE ME.
IT'S NOT EVEN RELATED.
- UGH!
- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING.
NO, I'M FINE. THERE ARE OVER A
HUNDRED WINERIES ON THE WAY HOME.
I'LL JUST STICK
TO THE DRY REDS,
VENTURE INTO
THE FRUITY BLUSHES,
AND IF I STILL CAN'T STOP
BLAMING MYSELF,
I'LL HI THE CABERNET SAUVIGNONS.
HOPEFULLY I'LL REMEMBER
TO TAKE IN THE VIEWS.
MAGGIE! PLEASE.
PLEASE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE.
MAGGIE, WAIT.
GOOD-BYE, FRAN.
HI, ISAAC. SORRY WE DIDN' GET A CHANCE TO CATCH UP.
DARREN,
YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET HER GO.
LOOK AT YOU TWO.
YOU STILL HAVE CHEMISTRY.
- YOU WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
- MOM.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I KNOW THESE THINGS.
MOM, WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS TO ME?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
AND IT DOESN'T HURT THAT SHE'S
STILL A MEMBER OF THE TRIBE.
YOU'RE NOT JEWISH.
YOU'RE NOT.
HAVING A GREAT-GRANDFATHER
ON YOUR FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY
DOES NOT MAKE YOU JEWISH!
EVEN THE NAZIS
WOULD GIVE YOU A PASS,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME ONE
BECAUSE I AM
A HUNDRED PERCENT GAY!
I'M GAY.
YOU EXHAUST ME.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE ARE YOU
AND DEAN GOING TO LIVE?
HOW CAN YOU LE THIS GIRL GO AGAIN?
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA
LET MAGGIE GO THIS TIME.
BLESS YOU.
MAGGIE...
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
SINCE SEVENTH GRADE.
YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND
ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
I WANT MY FRIEND BACK.
I'M NOT GOING TO
GO ANOTHER 10 YEARS
WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE.
MAGGIE,
WILL YOU BE MY--
MY BEST MAN?
OR BEST WOMAN.
- I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS SO--
- OY GEVALT.
- THIS IS NOT EASY.
- I KNOW.
JUST SAY YES.
UH, HUG.
DO WE HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE?
I'M SORRY.
WE WERE FRIENDS A LOT LONGER
THAN WE WERE A MARRIED COUPLE.
WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
NOW, MY LOVELY JEWESS,
WILL YOU HELP ME STEAL
A CROSS AND A JESUS?
AND WE CAN'T FIND LONZIE.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE DESERT,
TRIPPING ON PEYOTE,
COMPLETELY PANICKED.
OH, MY GOD,
WHO PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER?
YOUR FUTURE
SON-IN-LAW DARREN.
AND THIS IS THE PLACE
WHERE THEY EXPLODED
- THE FIRST ATOMIC BOMB?
- EXACTLY.
AND WE LOOK BEHIND US,
AND THERE IS LONZIE
CUMMING ON GROUND ZERO
WITH A JAPANESE MAN!
- IT'S LIKE--
- IT WAS THE MAKEUP SEX FOR WORLD WAR II, OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STOP POUTING.
DARREN IS A GREAT,
CREATIVE GUY.
HE DOES THIS.
HE GETS ALL QUIET WHEN HE'S UPSET.
STOP IT.
COME ON, IT'S YOUR WEDDING.
OKAY, BOYS, THIS OLD HAG
HAS TO GET TO BED.
DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO. COME ON.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. D.,
WE'LL KEEP THE ORGY
TO JUST UNDER 10 PEOPLE.
THAT'S MY BOYS.
SMILE!
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
WHERE DID HE GO?
DO YOU SEE HIM?
I THINK HE WEN BEHIND THE CHURCH.
YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
IT'S REALLY DARK.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING
IN THE 99-CENT STORE
THAT WE PASSED
ON THE WAY HERE.
I DON'T THINK DECORATING
THE RAINBOW CHAPEL
WITH A 99-CEN PLASTIC BABY JESUS
IS GONNA MAKE
A BIG ENOUGH SPLASH.
DEAN IS A-- HE'S A FORCE.
HE'S A FORCE OF NATURE,
AND I'VE BEEN REALLY
SPINELESS LATELY.
- AS YOU KNOW.
- MM.
I GOTTA MAKE
A GRAND GESTURE.
MAYBE A SOUVENIR SHOP THEN.
THE BEST WE'RE GONNA GE IS A VELVET PAINTING OF JESUS
HOVERING OVER THE FALLS
IN THE MIST,
OR A MOTHER MARY SNOW GLOBE,
OR BOTH ON A PEWTER PLATE.
ALTHOUGH VERY COOL,
IT'S NOT THE REAL VIBE I'M LOOKING FOR.
OKAY. HEY,
I THINK I FOUND AN ENTRANCE.
OKAY, OKAY.
STAY IN THE CAR.
KEEP IT LOCKED.
WE'RE GOING IN.
THANKS, MAGGIE.
SURE.
LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM!
WHAT? NOT HOT ENOUGH?
IT'S YOUR BACHELOR PARTY.
AREN'T YOU EXPECTED
TO INDULGE?
THAT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
PLEASE, HONEY,
THE GUY'S GOT HIS WIFE HERE.
- EX-WIFE.
- THAT HE FAILED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
COME ON. ENJOY.
THIS IS THE LAST FLING,
AND FROM WHAT I SAW,
WHO KNOWS WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW.
YOUNG MAN, I OFFER YOU
A MEDICINAL TONIC--
A FAIR MAIDEN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YES, A WOMAN TO EVEN OU THE PLAYING FIELD.
JUST ONE SACRIFICIAL PLUNGE
INTO THAT HO AND STEAMY VOLCANO
WILL FREE YOU OF
YOUR PARTNER'S TRANSGRESSIONS.
I INTRODUCE TO YOU...
JUSTICE!
HI.
YOU ARE SICK, DEMENTED,
AND QUITE POSSIBLY FULL
OF EVERY STD IN THE BOOK,
BUT YOU ARE A SOCIAL GENIUS,
AND I AM PROUD
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
WE GET A LO OF YOUR KIND UP HERE,
HIPSTERS COMING IN
FROM BUFFALO,
FIGURING THEY CAN GRAB WHATEVER
THEY WANT FROM OUR HISTORY.
THE BUILDINGS IN THIS CITY
AREN'T A FREE FOR ALL.
YOU CAN'T TAKE STUFF
OUT OF BUILDINGS,
MUCH LESS CHURCHES.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OFFICER, HIS HUSBAND-TO-BE
IS A DEVOUT CATHOLIC.
MAYBE YOU TWO CAN WORK ON
YOUR STORY A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
HEY, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
EH, FATHER?
LET'S SEE WHA THEY GOT HERE FROM YOU.
THEY GOT ONE...
MAHOGANY CROSS.
WE GOT A STATUE OF,
UH, ST. PETER?
OR IS IT MOSES?
- IT'S ST. JOSEPH, RONALD.
- YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS JESUS?
THEY DO RESEMBLE EACH OTHER.
IT IS HIS FATHER.
OR IS THAT GOD?
ARE YOU GOING TO
PRESS CHARGES OR NOT?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MY SON.
YOUR PARTNER CAME
TO THE CHURCH.
HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED
IN MY CHURCH WITH YOU.
HE WANTED ME TO PERFORM
THE WEDDING.
I KNOW THAT YOU ONLY TRIED
TO TURN HIS DREAM
INTO A REALITY.
I CANNOT APPROVE
OF YOUR WEDDING.
I CERTAINLY CANNOT APPROVE
OF YOU STEALING FROM THE CHURCH,
BUT I DO KNOW WHEN I WITNESS AN
ACT OF LOVE OF THIS MAGNITUDE,
AND GOD'S HAND
IS SURELY IN IT.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS CROSS
AND THE STATUE.
CONSIDER THEM WEDDING GIFTS.
AND GOD BLESS YOU, MY SON.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I GOT THE WHOLE THING
WORKED OUT.
I HAVE TALKED
TO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY,
AND I THINK WE CAN PLEAD
THIS DOWN TO A MISDEMEANOR.
DOESN'T HURT THAT I'M THE
FORMER TRAFFIC COURT JUDGE.
EASY THERE, CHIEF.
THE FATHER'S NOT PRESSING CHARGES.
HE'S NOT--
HE'S NOT DOING
THE WEDDING, IS HE?
IT'S CENTERED. IT'S CENTERED.
- IT LOOKS PERFECT.
- I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
IT REALLY-- ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GOOD.
JUST LET ME DO IT.
YEAH. THAT'S NICE. NICE.
DARREN! DARREN!
DARREN! DARREN,
WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
NO, NO, NO, GO AWAY.
GO. DON'T LOOK.
I WANT TO DO THIS FOR DEAN.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM.
- WHERE IS DEAN?
- IT'S MY FAULT.
WE WERE WALKING
OVER THE BORDER,
WALKING OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE
TO THE UNITED STATES
WHEN THIS SEXY BORDER AGEN WAS REALLY--
NO, NO, NO, YOU DID NOT STAR FLIRTING WITH A BORDER GUARD.
YES! FORGIVE ME,
I HAVE A WEAKNESS.
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOU DOMINANT MEN IN UNIFORM.
IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH, DARREN.
DON'T JUDGE. IT'S A WEAKNESS.
THERE'S NO END
TO YOUR WEAKNESSES.
AND THEN WE WERE
IN THIS SCARY ROOM
BEING INTERROGATED
BY HOMELAND SECURITY.
- IT WASN'T HOMELAND SECURITY.
- YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!
OKAY, THERE WAS A MOMENT I SWEAR WE
WERE GONNA GET SENT TO GUANTANAMO BAY!
AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT,
NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND.
I NEED OPEN SPACES.
OKAY, SO WHAT HAPPENED, LONZIE?
WHAT DID YOU DO, LONZIE?
OKAY, OKAY, DON'T JUDGE.
I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM
ABOUT DEAN'S WORK VISA.
- OH, MY GOD!
- STOP IT, LONZIE.
THEY KNEW ABOUT DEAN'S VISA
LONG BEFORE
YOU WERE INTERROGATED.
OKAY, WHAT--
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT DEAN
IS STUCK IN CANADA.
HE'S AT SOME DETENTION CENTER
AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE.
- THEY WON'T LET HIM THROUGH.
- THAT'S NOT GOOD.
BRADLEY STAYED BACK WITH HIM.
OH, GOD,
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
WELL, HE'S SO SORRY,
AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, DARREN.
SO MUCH. AND I SWEAR NOTHING
HAPPENED OVER THERE.
- HE LOVES YOU, MAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING
HAPPENED OVER THERE.
BUT NOW
THAT YOU MENTION IT--
OKAY. OKAY, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
THIS IS HOW IT'S GOTTA--
WOW, I'M GOOD.
OOH, AM I GOOD. THIS IS HOW
IT'S GONNA WORK, RIGHT?
DEAN CAN'T COME OVER HERE,
AND YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED
IN CANADA,
BUT WHAT IF WE HAVE
THE WEDDING ON THE SIDEWALK
OF THE RAINBOW BRIDGE?
RIGHT? DEAN WALKS OU INTO THE MIDDLE.
DARREN AND HIS FAMILY
COME OUT IN THE MIDDLE
IN INTERNATIONAL
AMBIGUOUS TERRITORY.
I DO THE WEDDING VOWS.
I STAMP THE PAPERS.
AND VOILA,
DEAN IS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.
IT CAN'T MISS.
THAT SOUNDS INSANE.
THANK YOU.
BUT BRILLIANT.
REALLY?
- WILL IT WORK?
- MAYBE.
MAYBE.
WE ARE SO DOING THIS!
YEAH!
COME ON, DARREN.
YOUR FRIENDS
ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
THEY THINK YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED. SO DOES DARREN.
MOM... IT'S OVER.
WHO THE HELL ARE WE KIDDING?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT THE BEST PAR ISN'T JUST A LITTLE BI DOWN THE ROAD?
MOM, IT'S OVER.
I GET IT.
I HEAR THE UNIVERSE,
AND IT'S CLEARLY EXPANDING
WITHOUT DARREN AND I.
- READ THE SIGNS.
- I HAVE READ THE SIGNS,
AND I KNOW
THAT DARREN LOVES YOU.
AND I LOVE DARREN.
AND IT'S A GODDAMN MESS.
I GET IT. OKAY?
BUT THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS.
A TRAIN WRECK?
THANK YOU. THAT'S REALLY,
REALLY COMFORTING.
YOU KNOW,
HE ALWAYS HAD TO BE PERFECT.
HE HIRED A STYLIST FOR HIS
HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.
HE DESIGNED HIS OWN
BOUTONNIERE FOR THE PROM.
REALLY?
CARNATIONS OR ORCHIDS?
COLORED FEATHERS
WITH ROSE PETALS.
IT WAS GORGEOUS.
AND EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SCHOOL,
HE WOULD LAY OUT HIS CLOTHES,
AND IF THEY DIDN'T MATCH,
HE WOULD PLAY SICK
IN THE MORNING
AND NOT GO TO SCHOOL.
WAIT, YOU--
YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?
YES, OF COURSE I DID.
I ALLOWED IT.
BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS MATCH.
IT CLASHES,
AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST--
YOU HAVE TO TRUST.
TRUST IN WHAT?
IN MY FIANCE
AND HIS NEWLY EX-WIFE,
OR MY CHERNOBYL-THEMED WEDDING
THAT I CAN'T EVEN HAVE ANYMORE?
YES. YES! IN ALL OF ITS
GLORIOUS UGLINESS, YES.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED
BACK IN THE STATES
FOR MONTHS, EVEN YEARS.
WELL, THERE MAY BE A WAY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET HIM
IN THE MIDDLE.
JUST THIS ONCE, WILL YOU
PLEASE TRUST IN THE CHAOS?
COME ON. HERE.
YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL
IN THE MORNING.
FOLKS,
THERE'S NO LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.
PLEASE KEEP MOVING.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
HOW MUCH TIME DO I GOT?
NO GUARDS.
REALLY? REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE?
- ALL CLEAR.
- ROGER.
PEDESTRIANS, KEEP MOVING.
PLEASE CLEAR THE SIDEWALK.
WHERE ARE MY EYES?
I RAN OUT OF QUARTERS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE OUT OF QUARTERS?
LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE
IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
PLEASE KEEP MOVING.
HOW ABOUT IT? AM I OKAY?
CAN I CONTINUE?
- YOU'RE ALL CLEAR.
- ALL CLEAR.
- TIN, IS THAT YOU?
- YES, I'M BACK.
YOU'RE BACK!
OH, THANK GOD.
ALL PEDESTRIANS
MUST KEEP WALKING ON THE BRIDGE.
THERE'LL BE NO STOPPING,
NO CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.
I HOPE IT'S OKAY.
SHE AGREED TO BE MY BEST MAN.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
I NEEDED TO HAVE A FRIEND HERE.
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
FOR THE JOINING
OF TWO WONDERFUL SOULS--
DEAN AND DARREN.
PEDESTRIANS,
KEEP MOVING ALONG THE WALK.
MAGGIE, DO YOU HAVE
THE RINGS READY?
- YES.
- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
I THINK I'M GETTING
A LITTLE AHEAD OF MYSELF.
- ALL RIGHT, JUST--
- GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT.
- GUARDS COMING FROM RIGHT.
- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS,
A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THIS
ABOUT NIAGARA FALLS,
BUT THERE'S OVER 3,000
TONS OF WATER
THAT SPILL OVER THA EVERY SECOND. IT'S TRUE.
HE STOPPED. TURNED AROUND.
HE TURNED AROUND.
OKAY, LOOK,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
PICK THIS UP
A LOT FASTER, OKAY?
- HE'S COMING BACK.
- COMING BACK.
YOU KNOW, NIAGARA FALLS
IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
YEAH, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY
FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA.
AND IT IS TRULY
THE CULMINATION
OF OUR JOURNEY
AS CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT--
HE'S TURNING AROUND.
HE'S TURNING AROUND.
OKAY, WE GOTTA WORK FAST.
WE GOTTA WORK FAST.
GOTTA WORK--
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
AHEM. OKAY, A FAST CEREMONY
DOESN'T MEAN
A MEANINGLESS CEREMONY.
SO, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS THING
A LONG TIME, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE
A MILLION WEDDINGS AND--
NOT ALL SAME-SEX WEDDINGS,
BUT ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
AND I'M TELLING YOU,
I FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU
MY WHOLE LIFE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY,
BUT I JUST DO.
AND I SWEAR,
YOU WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER
IF EVER THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE
THAT WERE ACTUALLY MEAN TO HAVE A WEDDING.
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
ALL RIGHT, DEAN--
DEAN, DO YOU TAKE DARREN
AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--
HELP ME.
- HUSBAND. I DO.
- HUSBAND.
GOOD, GOOD.
AND, DARREN, DO YOU TAKE DEAN
AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED--
- JUST FILL IN THE BLANK.
- HUSBAND. HUSBAND.
- HUSBAND, YES.
- YES. YES, I DO.
...POWER INVESTED IN ME--
PLEASE DON' CONGREGATE ON THE SIDEWALK.
BY POWER INVESTED IN ME
BY THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK--
- COMING BACK!
- I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU
- MAN AND--
- THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ.
THERE'LL BE NO
CONGREGATING ON THE BRIDGE.
THEY GOT SHIBBAWITZ?
MAN AND WOMAN-- MAN AND--
A MARRIED COUPLE!
TAKE ME! I'M YOUR MAN!
THE PAPERS! HIS PAPERS!
PAPERS! THE PAPERS!
NO!
MAGGIE, THE RINGS!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!
I'M A JUDGE! I'M A MINISTER!
I'M A SENSEI!
ALL PEDESTRIANS ARE
ASKED TO KEEP MOVING ON THE BRIDGE.
KISS THE BRIDE!
JUST KIDDING.
THERE'S NO
LOITERING ON THE BRIDGE.
- THEY DID IT. THEY DID IT.
- THEY'RE MARRIED?
PEDESTRIANS MUST KEEP MOVING.
PLEASE CLEAR THE WALKWAY.
THEY NEVER FORGET US,
DO THEY, TIN?
LOOK HOW BIG DUKE IS GETTING.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD.
YES, HE DOES.
HEY, IT'S GONNA BE
A GOOD YEAR THIS YEAR.
YES.