The Relationtrip (2017) Movie Script
1
[melancholy music playing]
[window squealing]
[instrument strings squealing]
Hey, what's up, man?
Nothing, working.
You're... Oh, right.
I still can't believe that people
pay to watch you play video games.
Teenagers, man.
But why stop there?
I mean, why don't they just watch
someone watching TV or something?
- Ridiculous!
- [computer dings]
Thank you, MilfBlaster69.
That's very cool.
Hey, I forgot to tell you.
I went to the post office
the other day.
There's a new girl
working there,
and she is very cute.
[woman]
Uh, what was that, buddy?
What the hell's that?
- Is that Sara?
- Yeah, she's playing from the house.
Uh... Hi, sweetie.
Can you...
Aren't you supposed
to be working?
[Sara] Yeah, here's an idea.
Why don't you tell me about this woman
you got pregnant at the post office?
No, no, no. I was gonna suggest
that Liam should ask her out.
Right? I mean, she's not
even my type. Okay?
You're my
one and only, babe.
Okay, you're forgiven.
- So what do you think?
- Pass.
What are you
talking about "pass"?
She's probably gonna
say yes.
You know, because she
works at the post office,
so she doesn't have, like,
a lot of options.
A hard pass.
[woman] Okay.
You got it, Charlie?
- Yes.
- [chuckles]
Thank you, sweetheart.
You're welcome.
I'll be over here.
- Okay.
- Right over here.
Maybe you and Charlie
should... date.
Jesus, dude!
No! Why are you so obsessed
with me dating someone?
Because you can't be
a full time hag forever.
"Full time"?
I am not full time.
I'm more like weekends and
select week nights.
- Uh-huh.
- Speaking of...
What are we doing tonight?
Me and my boyfriend
are going to this guy,
Shane's curated salon.
Ew. You just said that
way too casually.
Well, it's serious.
He hosts a monthly
Salon De Musique.
Oh, wow.
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars, Mars is gonna be playing.
- No.
- What?
Uh-uh.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know what? At least
one of you moved today.
If this is gonna
be it though,
you're gonna be playing
video games and masturbating
in our guesthouse
for the rest of your life.
Liam does not masturbate.
It's true. Not anymore.
Well, you know what?
Maybe you should, you know, get
the blood pumping a little bit.
- Ew, I don't need to imagine blood and dicks together.
- [cell phone buzzes]
You don't picture that?
- Huh. Interesting.
- What?
Shane wants Fuck Dragon
to play the salon tonight.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
"SOS. Can Fuck Dragon
play the salon tonight?
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars canceled at the last second.
Please help.
Lots of people."
No, I don't think so, man.
A salon?
You know, it's like a place where
like-minded people get together
and they sort of,
like, appreciate art.
It's like a Victorian thing.
Right. And they want
Fuck Dragon to play?
'Cause we're so good.
We are so good.
Word.
I think we should do this.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Um...
Come on, man. We'll bring
the fucking house down.
Just like the old days.
And you're gonna get out
of the guesthouse
and you're gonna
talk to some people.
This is a win-win for us.
Hey, look, we haven't
performed since high school.
What if I don't remember
the words?
What if we mess up? We're
gonna look like assholes.
I... Pass.
Hard pass.
Well, I already said yes.
So now we gotta do it,
or Shane's gonna be furious.
This is gonna be
really good, man.
I'm very excited.
And I gotta go work, 'cause
I got a big meeting today.
I'm gonna see you tonight.
Okay?
Fuck Dragon
Don't do that with your hips.
Fuck Dragon.
Where the fuck is Buddy?
We gotta get this thing going.
The audience is
getting restless.
He's gonna be here, okay?
Don't worry about it.
Hi. Welcome to
the latest installment of
my Salon De Musique.
Slight change of plans.
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars, Mars, Mars...
Uh, they can't be here.
- What?
- What?
[Shane]
We have somebody else.
Please give it up for...
Fuck Dragon.
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- Um...
- [feedback whining]
Uh, check, one, two.
One, two.
Oh, my God.
This is embarrassing.
Test one.
One, two...
- [phone alert dings]
- ...three.
[Buddy on voicemail,
amplified] Hey, man, uh...
- [feedback whining]
- I'm really sorry,
but it turns out that
I have to work late tonight.
You know, we have
a conference call
with these bankers in China.
The fucking time zones,
am I right.
Anyway, just go on
without me.
You're gonna be fine.
Those idiots aren't gonna
care if I'm there or not.
Fuck Dragon...
[plays backing track]
Um...
So we are...
I am Fuck Dragon!
This is a song about
friendship and sandwiches.
Um, it'd supposed to be a
conversation between two people,
so you're gonna have to use
your imagination a little bit.
When I'm here,
it's gonna be me,
so just picture me.
Right? Uh...
And then when I'm over here,
picture like a really tall asshole guy
that's a dick to all of his friends.
[laughs]
- Yeah. Okay, so...
- He's funny.
Here we go.
[clears throat]
Now listen up.
I said I'm hungry, man
So pay close attention
To the master plan
It goes
Now get up off
Your lazy ass
Run into the kitchen
Better make it fast
Yo, look around
In the cabinets
For the shit that I'm
Reading off my list
I want three things
And it ain't that tough
And two out of three
Won't be good enough
I want peanut butter
But not that chunky shit
I want it smooth and brown
Like I like my bitch
I want jelly
Cream and strawberry
Put it on some white bread
And do it in a hurry
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some...
Okay, now, like the big,
tall, like jerk asshole guy.
Yo, don't tell me
What to do
Go make it yourself
And make me one, too
Potato bread
Is what I like it on
It's really soft
And it's got it going on
And, man
You must be tripping, son
Chunky is the shit
And creamy is done
I like grape jelly
I'm a picky-ass dude
Now get off your ass
And bring me my food
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some...
[both giggling]
Cool show.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Seriously.
It was hilarious.
Glad you found it funny.
That whole bit with
the, uh...
the voicemail.
So meta.
Right.
Yeah. No, well, yeah.
I workshopped that
for a while,
and I got a positive
response, so...
Yeah. I mean, it really
sets up the whole
loser friendless character
clinging to his past thing.
Yeah.
That voicemail's real?
Are you ki...
- I'm so sorry!
- It's okay.
Oh, stupid!
Well, you have to admit,
it was kind of funny.
Do I? Is it?
I mean, my best friend told me
he doesn't have time for me
through a PA system in a roomful
of judgmental elitists.
It's a little funny. Yeah, okay.
I'm with you.
- Kind of funny.
- Yeah.
- Also kind of sucks.
- Mm-hmm.
I... Shit, I can't believe
you still played.
I just didn't want
Shane to yell at me.
He whispers when he yells.
It's like a thousand
times scarier.
I can see that.
Well, I really liked it.
Thanks.
Also, I really like
PB and Js.
Oh.
Kind of a connoisseur.
A connoisseur of PB and J?
I'm no connoisseur.
Buddy and I just used to get really
high and want PB and J, that's all.
Ooh. I'm PB and jelly.
Like jealous?
No, I understood it.
I just didn't wanna...
- That was just bad.
- That was just bad. Yeah.
Don't explain the jokes.
Okay.
Um, well...
- Cool show.
- Thank you.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Hey, here's to my only fan,
and apparently my
new best friend.
Mm. I am Beck.
Liam.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So Bobby just got us invited to
this warehouse party downtown,.
Apparently there's
a hundred year old leprechaun
that's drinking Rose out of
an ice dick lute.
But like a real leprechaun.
- Not a fake leprechaun.
- I get it. I get it.
- I mean...
- Really, it's too much.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi. Heh.
Cool, guys. I think
Liam and I are just gonna go
grab some tacos or something.
Oh, cool. You and, um...
Liam!
Liam. Hi, Liam.
Okay, that's fine.
Thanks.
Yeah. Maybe I'll just,
like, see you later, or...
- Yeah. Bye, Liam.
- Maybe...
Nice to meet you guys.
Bye.
[Franklin] Have fun!
You like tacos, right?
- So, like, one day...
- Mm...
We're all playing Mario Kart,
and the next,
Buddy and Sara are married,
and they have a house, and they
look forward to trips to West Elm.
It's the same thing
with Franklin. I mean...
He's not even
Franklin anymore.
He's just like this
weird version of Franklin.
He's like Bobby's
boyfriend Franklin.
And on the off chance I can
get Buddy and Sara to play
Mario Kart with me,
they won't even shoot
each other with shells.
Which means they're saving
their shells for me.
- Oh, God.
- I mean, that's not fair.
No.
It's like I'm just
trying to stay alive
while everyone is
cruising to the finish.
Dude, we are
bringing up the rear,
slipping on banana peels as
everyone else is laughing at us.
Right. Hey, man.
- Can we have two more?
- [man] Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- You know what?
I don't even want that.
- No more?
- Hmm?
- No tacos?
- Oh, no, no.
Yes. I mean, yes.
Always tacos.
I mean, I don't want to
be that, you know,
Beck in a relationship
version of Beck.
I just wanna be Beck.
You know?
Beck Beck.
Beck Beck's cool.
Why change that?
- Exactly.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, you know what?
If I played you in Mario Kart,
I'd freakin' blast you
with shells.
Dude, that's like the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
It's like feeling this
pressure from people
who want us to find someone
and get in a relationship.
Oh, of course.
Hi, I'm Beck.
Wanna get married?
- Fuck that, man. Right?
- Pathetic. Mm-hmm.
I like being, like,
a weird loner guy.
You know what?
It really suits you.
We should hang out.
And be weird
loner guys together.
- Okay.
- I'm serious.
- Okay.
- Let's freaking get out of here.
I mean, go away for
the weekend.
- All right. Where are we going?
- I don't know.
Someplace cool.
It's workable.
Sure.
And just some place away
from all the shell-hoarding,
boyfriend, girlfriend
versions of people people.
- Oh, I'm down for that.
- Yeah?
- Oh, I'm down.
- Okay.
Okay. Let's play a game.
Uh-oh, he's moving.
- On the count of three...
- Yeah.
We'll both say a place.
Same place, that's where
we're gonna go.
- Oh, I like this.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, do it.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- I'll start?
Hit me, come on.
- One, three...
- Two...
- Disneyland.
- Switzerland.
- Shit.
- That's close.
- So...
- What about the desert?
You know what? I've never
been to the desert.
- Yeah?
- That's crazy.
- Yes, the desert.
- Okay.
Let's go to the desert.
We'll get a house,
we'll hang out.
Like a couple of cool
independent people people.
Perfect.
- Logistics.
- Talk to me.
- Two bedroom.
- Duh.
- And a pool.
- Double duh.
- And an espresso machine.
- Sold.
When do you wanna go?
- So, to recap.
- Mm-hmm.
We're just two totally normal,
totally cool,
independent people people
doing our own totally
normal, totally cool
independent people
people thing together.
Exactly.
No funny business.
Thank you. No deep conversations
over storied pasts.
Yeah, right. While looking
up into the night sky.
This is called a friendship
friend trip.
A friendship
friend trip.
I like it.
It's a little hard to say,
we'll workshop.
- I kind of felt that, too.
- Okay.
We'll work on it.
Allow me.
Thank you.
[straining]
- Titties.
- Got it?
Yes.
Friendship friend trip!
[upbeat music playing]
We'll workshop that, too.
I'll work on that.
Okay. Is it more like a
cactus or Cameron Diaz?
Cactus.
Cactus or...
plastic bag?
Plastic bag.
Okay.
Plastic bag or...
a condom?
Ooh, ooh. Uh...
Mm... condom.
- [Beck] Ee...
- Yep.
[Beck] Okay.
Condom or...
A balloon animal?
Definitely balloon animal.
- Really?
- Yep.
Okay. A balloon animal or...
Oh! A child-sized
froggy inner tube.
Got it!
She got it!
- Come on, this is what you picked?
- Yeah.
What else am I gonna pick
in the car?
That's freaking true.
Well... made it out
alive.
- That bad?
- Oh, yeah.
Grossest bathroom ever.
I believe someone was
recently murdered in there.
Yeah, I could have
told you that.
Wait a second.
Is that why you
brought me out here?
[gasps dramatically] No!
The Rest Stop Killer
strikes again!
[Beck screaming]
Love
I'm never gonna
Fall in love
No, I don't ever want that
Rub your back
Share my snack
Stupid love
I like you
But I am never gonna
Like, like you
Better believe I'll never Lose
a freaking ounce Of sleep
Wondering if you
Like me, too
Oh, lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love
Is so du-du-du-du-dumb
I just li-li-li-li-li-li-like
To be left al-lo-lo-lo-lone
Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love
Is so du-du-du-du-dumb
Please leave me alone
[music stops]
Dude!
Most legitimate.
Internet.
Nice.
[Liam] I think they said
something about a rock.
[Beck] You mean, one of those
rocky highway thingies?
Right. To find it,
I have to...
[Beck laughs]
[Beck] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Found it.
- Oh.
- Kenefick rock.
- Uh?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
As good as the photos?
Yeah. Better.
Oh, heck yeah.
- Jellyfish that out.
- Jellyfishing. Okay.
Wow. What a terrible view.
[Liam] Totally.
You really found a house
with an espresso machine?
It was one
of the requirements.
So obviously I'll take the big room,
because I am bigger than you.
You a-hole.
Fine, I'll take
the small room
that's shitty and not at all
cool and nice.
[Beck] So who do you think
owns this house?
Uh, I don't know. Middle
aged man, woman, two kids.
[Beck] Boring. Try again.
I think it's the granddaughter of the
dude who invented the bendy straw.
You're jumping on the bed?
Nope.
Are you?
No.
Aha!
Proof.
Hmm.
Hiya!
Oh, shit!
- [Liam] You okay?
- Yeah.
Uh, just checking
for monsters.
Um, you hungry?
[Liam] Let's play a game.
Okay.
Do you know how to play
the face game?
Um, no.
Okay. Super easy.
I just give you a direction
and then you do it.
- Okay, go.
- Okay.
Cross your eyes.
- Okay.
- Wait, how about that?
Oh, don't do that.
100% don't do that.
It's advanced. I'm sorry.
Okay. So far so good.
Stick out your tongue.
So good. Now make your
eyes like super wide.
And you try to show
as much teeth as possible.
- Uh?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Hold that pose.
Oh, my God.
You're so good at this game.
You're like winning
at this game.
- How is this a game?
- It's not a game.
- So good for that.
- It's not a game?
- That's blackmail.
- What the hell is that?
No, get rid.
Delete, delete, delete.
All right. You wanna do me?
You could do me.
I definitely will
be doing that,
but right after we have
two more of these.
Truth. I like where
your head's at.
You wanna get the same thing?
Or you want something else?
I don't know.
What is that?
Uh-oh. Somebody bites
his nails.
Yeah, sorry.
I try not to.
My mom says it makes me
look neurotic.
I think it's kinda cool.
Makes it look like you're
really concentrating.
Like laser sharp focus
on picking the right drink.
Actually this one time
in college,
Buddy and I got these fake IDs
from a weird goth kid,
and we took it to this
liquor store on campus
that would take any ID.
So we go.
It's Buddy. It's me.
Eighteen-year-old computer nerds,
we didn't know what to get,
so we got
a bottle of cognac,
because we thought
it sounded cool.
Mm-hmm.
And then we brought it
back to our dorm
and we mixed it with
Half and Half.
Why would you do that?
It's the only thing we had
in our fridge.
That's the worst.
I've never been sicker
in my life.
Yeah, that's
absolutely disgusting.
- [laughs]
- Oh, my God.
I really like that "mm-hmm"
thing you do.
What? What "mm-hmm" thing?
You say "mm-hmm" when there's a
natural pause in the conversation.
- Do I?
- Yeah.
- You don't realize that?
- No. I... I hate that.
I like it. It means
you're paying attention.
You're really invested
in the epic tale of
Liam and the Bottle of Cognac.
You made it pretty epic.
You kids need another drink?
Uh... yes.
May I have...
a cognac and
Half and Half?
Oof! We're doing this?
- Oh, yeah.
- You sure?
Definitely. Go.
Two cognacs and
Half and Half, please, Mary.
[Mary snorts]
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mary.
- Mm-hmm. Hates us.
- Hates us.
- Hates us so much.
- Dead stare.
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
[man]
What's up there, kiddo?
Looks like you're having
a good time out there. Yeah?
Although you might want to
take it easy on the nachos.
Just a suggestion from
an old friend.
[loud fart]
[woman 1]
What about me, Liam?
[woman 2]
What about me, Liam?
You don't love me anymore.
Is that it?
I'm sure you'll be able to work on that
thigh gap before swimsuit season, huh?
[laughs] But don't worry.
You know what?
Some guys like
a little extra cushion
for the pushing.
Oh, no!
Come on, Beck.
Don't be so sensitive.
[woman 3] Liam?
[woman 4] Uh, Liam?
[woman 5] Liam!
[woman 3] Liam! Ow!
You guys still working
on these nachos?
- No.
- Nope.
Okay. Well, you want me
to wrap them up?
- No.
- No.
Geez. Okay.
Can I ask you
a serious question?
[in high-pitched voice] Do you want
anymore cognac and Half And Half?
Yes, please.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Two more cognac and
Half And Halfs, please.
- Please.
- Please.
I think she just
smiled at me.
Yeah. She loves us now, right?
- She's coming around.
- She's coming around, right?
I think she's coming around.
Burn up
Every cloud above
My head
Clear the smog
And let me rest
Somewhere
Every room inside this house
Covered with the memory
Of love
All we had
There's nothing left
Stars are on
The loose again
Searching
Trying to find a better way
Hoping we can find it
I don't want to go
Back there
There's nothing left for me
What did you expect?
I get, I get
Get by without you, babe
I get, I get, get by
I get, I get, get by
Without you, babe
I get, I get, get high
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Dancing on
The yellow, yellow sun
Last song of the night.
[waltz music playing]
Are you enjoying
the snowball dance?
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
I saw you,
over here, looking at me...
over there.
Well, that's because
I'm a shy nerdy guy
who stands in the corner, afraid
to ask the pretty girl to dance.
Aw, come on, man.
It's the 90s.
Now the girls ask
the boys to dance.
[whispers]
Don't be afraid.
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Lower. Mm-hmm.
You can step in
a little closer.
What about Sister Agnes?
Who?
- Sister Agnes?
- Who's Sister Agnes?
Well, Sister Agnes says we need to
leave room for the Holy Spirit.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot this was
a Catholic school.
Yeah, we're like
super strict here.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about Sister Agnes.
I mean, she's probably off
catching Jimmy O'Sullivan smoking
cigarettes in the boys' room.
Oh, Jimmy's so bad.
He's the baddest guy.
So...
You ever been Frenched?
What? Yeah, like...
- A hundred times probably.
- Wow.
- Okay, I've practiced on my hand.
- Mm-hmm.
Have you?
I mean...
I'm like a really good Frencher.
Like, seriously next level
Frenching.
Like, the best Frencher
in the whole school. So...
Yeah.
I mean, I could teach you.
Yeah, okay.
Like, now.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, you ready?
Okay, hold on once second.
Yeah.
Okay, ready.
- Smooth move.
- Mm.
Okay, so...
First thing.
You're gonna take
a deep breath.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
Real deep breath.
And you can let it out.
- This is like to prep.
- Oh, okay.
This is to prep yourself.
And...
Okay, now it gets
a little tricky.
You're gonna stick out
your tongue,
and put it in my mouth,
and swirl it around
as fast as you can.
That sounds awesome.
Like really freaking fast.
Okay.
- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.
All my life
Baby, baby
I've prayed
For someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed
For someone like you
And I hope that you
Do love me
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile, on my face
All I see is a glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up
When I was down
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Hmm.
Hey.
Is that a...
Is that a rock in your pocket?
Yeah.
With a key in it.
Well...
My mom's here...
in a minivan.
So...
- Yeah.
- I should...
My mom's always late, so...
Classic mom.
Are you...
picturing me in a Catholic
school girl uniform right now?
Yeah. 100%.
I'm gonna look at
your yearbook photo
and listen to this song like
a hundred times this summer.
Cool.
Totally cool.
Uh...
I guess I'll see you
in high school?
- See you in high school.
- Mm.
Good night.
[gentle instrumental music]
Whoa.
Whoa. What up, sleepyhead?
What do we have here?
I'm currently making my
world-famous eggs
that are guaranteed to
knock your goddamn socks off.
Pshew!
- Okay.
- You like eggs, right?
Yeah. Do I like eggs?
Of course I like eggs!
Right.
All right. How about this?
I make one of my
world-famous lattes,
guaranteed to knock
your goddamn socks off,
then we'll both be sockless and one
step closer to getting in that pool.
I like it. I like it.
Good.
Permission to
compliment you.
Mm. Permission granted.
You look really pretty with
your hair all crazy like that.
Whoa, watch out now.
[laughs] Well, you look
really pretty in that apron.
It's 'cause real men
wear pink.
- Oh, do they?
- So...
- Real man.
- Okay.
- I wear pink.
- Do they?
I guess I forgot.
Come on...
Hey, you need help?
Okay.
You got it?
Bunny ears.
I do a loop it.
Loop it, scoop it.
Oh, okay,
I'll loop it.
- Not too tight.
- Just... Okay. Just give me a second.
- Okay.
- Perfect.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Mm.
Mm. Delish.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Somehow your socks
are still on.
Holy cow! Watch out.
Whoo! My socks have somehow
been knocked clean off.
There we go.
That's better.
Hold on.
Mm-hmm.
What you got?
- Mm-mm.
- What you got?
- Uh-oh. Do you feel that?
- Uh-huh.
Do you feel that? Boom!
Boom!
We left each other sockless.
Wow.
It's amazing.
Hey, you got a...
You got a little...
- What?
- I don't know. Come here.
You got a little something.
Let me see.
Did you get it?
Yeah, almost.
Actually, you know what?
You got something, too.
[Beck] Hmm.
- There we go.
- Got it.
Um...
Thank you for...
for cooking, but...
I actually don't like eggs.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know what?
I don't drink coffee.
Oh.
It's okay.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Cool.
[Beck] So I remember reading
this thing in school.
Some philosopher said that
we were originally born with
four arms, four legs,
and a head with two faces.
And somewhere
along the lines,
the Gods decided to split
everyone into two separate parts,
so that the rest of your
existence on Earth
is all about trying to
find that other half.
Whoa.
That's a lot of pressure.
It scared the shit
out of me.
Like, what if your other half
is born in Laos?
I only found out that country
even exists like last week.
How am I gonna find
my other half there?
[Liam] Yeah. Or what if
your other half dies?
[Beck] Whoa.
I think I'd rather just get
really good at being a half.
Two arms, two legs,
one head.
[Liam] Oh, yeah.
One head is plenty.
[Beck] Mm-hmm.
[Liam] Buddy and Sara always make me
feel like I'm running out of time.
Like, if I don't
get a girlfriend,
someone from the government
is gonna come and kill me.
[Beck] Oh, yeah. Franklin asked
me if I would be his surrogate,
because what the fuck else
am I doing with my eggs?
[Liam] Can't you sell them
for, like, a ton of money?
[Beck chuckles]
[Beck] Oh, the other day he introduced
me to his bald 45-year-old neighbor
like he was a potential
love interest.
[Liam]
Oh, God. Like, yeah.
"This person likes to
breathe air too.
You two have so much
in common."
[Beck laughs] Mm-hmm.
It's like I'm that
guy from operation,
and everyone just takes turns trying to
fix me with those little metal tweezers.
[Liam] I can't even look at
the Internet anymore,
because there's just pictures
of people's babies.
[Beck] Mm-hmm.
Or photos of couples
at the Grand Canyon,
the girls flashing some, like,
ridiculous engagement ring.
[Liam]
I can't help but feel like
the people in those photos
are looking right at me.
Like, "What are you waiting
for, you fucking loser?"
[Beck] Yeah.
Fuck 'em all.
[Liam] Yeah. Fuck 'em all.
For the lady.
- Thank you, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on in.
Wow.
I cleared out my three
top drawers for you.
- Babe!
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you something.
- What?
Aw, babe!
You shouldn't have.
Wanted to.
- What is it?
- You'll see.
- Tell me, tell me, tell me...
- You'll see.
You'll see. You'll see.
You'll see.
[gasps]
What!
I made it myself.
I love green and yellow.
- May I?
- Yes, please.
I'll never take it off.
Good.
Good.
- Hey.
- Mm.
What was little Liam like?
Well, despite my hulking
physical presence,
I was a pretty small kid
growing up.
Aw! Little baby Liam.
I wanna know him.
What did he wanna be
when he grew up?
Football star.
- What?
- Mm.
- You played football?
- No.
God, no.
My mom didn't let me.
Said I was too small and
the other kids would hurt me.
[Beck] I don't like that.
[Liam] She bought me Nintendo.
And then I developed
a good old-fashioned
fear of people
bigger than me.
[Beck] Come on.
What did your dad have
to say about all that?
[Liam] Nothing.
My dad died when I was a baby.
[Beck] Oh.
I'm sorry.
[Liam] It's okay,
It was a heart attack.
My mom always said that she would try to
tell him to take better care of himself,
but he was too stubborn
to listen.
So growing up,
any time I disagreed with her,
she would say,
"You know who else
thought I was wrong?"
No!
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoa! That's...
That's heavy.
I grew up pretty much thinking
everything would kill me.
Oh, my God.
Ugh!
Sounds cruel, but,
sometimes I think I'd be
better of if my dad were dead.
What?
Yeah.
He, um...
He had an affair
when I was like six.
Some younger girl.
No!
Mm-hmm.
My parents tried to be
really discreet about it.
My mom had gained
all this weight, and...
my dad just...
treated her different...
like, physically.
He would only kiss her
on the top of her head.
Little things like that.
And then when it finally came
out with this younger girl...
My mom learned about it.
She didn't even...
She acted like she
didn't even care.
Like she just completely
shut down,
like a zombie. Like...
And then, I just
tried my best to
play make believe
with my best friend
and avoid them.
Shit, Beck.
Yeah.
Then he ended up running
off with the other girl.
And that was it.
Did you ever see him again?
Yeah, actually.
When I was in college
he got in touch with me.
And he asked me to
go out to lunch.
Did you go?
Mm-hmm.
But...
Sorry, I haven't talked about
this in a long time.
[sighs] When I got
to the restaurant...
[scoffs]
I saw him sitting there
in there window, and...
um...
He was really old...
and fat...
and bald.
And he looked...
He looked...
so nervous, and I just...
I was mad and angry
and grossed out.
I just didn't wanna fucking
deal with it, so I...
[sighs heavily]
I left. I just...
I didn't go in.
Wow.
And that was it?
Yeah.
Then I went back to...
distracting myself with
my old childhood friend.
I'm glad your friend
was there for you.
Mm, yeah. [chuckles]
Only this time,
out make-believe involved
some, like, heavy drinking
and drugs.
Stop!
Okay.
Beck, when do we get to
the part where you're the...
smart, beautiful, funny,
amazing Beck in the hammock
with the handsome gentleman?
God. Well...
After I failed out
of school...
Stop.
I started slowly crawling out of
this hole I had dug for myself.
I got a job
at the coffee shop,
and I met Franklin.
We hit it off, so...
Than I guess,
then I became the...
Smart...
Pretty... whatever you just
said, laying in the hammock
with a very
handsome gentleman.
I've never
been so happy
to be a handsome gentleman
in a hammock.
Mm.
[gentle music]
- I love you.
- I love you.
Ooh hoo!
My gosh.
Did you do this?
Now... are you...
ready...
for this?
Uh-oh.
I said, girl,
you think you can handle...
Uh-oh.
What is that?
That, can you handle that?
Peek-a-boo.
Are you...
ready for this? Hmm?
With one layer down,
a little bit now.
[laughs] Oh, God.
- Hmm?
- Uh-huh.
'Cause this right here...
This one is for you.
Oh! They say...
leave them wanting more,
you know. But...
You know what I say?
You give them more.
Oh!
I'm gonna hit you
with the MJ. Ah!
Ooh! Whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- Ah!
- Ah!
- No!
Wow.
Gotcha.
Uh-huh.
Is there a problem?
Um... [laughs awkwardly]
No.
Ow! Okay, I'm sorry.
[laughs nervously] Um...
What's going on here?
What? What are you
talking about?
Well, what is this?
Oh.
- The suit?
- Yeah.
The suit stays on.
Like... the whole time?
All the time.
Why?
So no one ever sees me naked.
- No one?
- No one.
- What about you?
- What about me?
Well, I mean, do you?
No. Obviously. I said no one.
Okay, so...
Never take the suit off?
Correct.
Even in the shower?
No. Because
it's a bathing suit.
Oh.
Yeah, okay. No, I guess
that makes sense.
Well, do you wash it?
Do I wash it?
Of course I wash it.
What do you think I am,
a crazy person?
When?
When I'm in the shower.
Right. Yeah, okay.
Huh.
And occasionally, I close my
eyes and Febreze the inside.
Huh.
- Yeah, fuck it. Okay.
- Okay.
[Beck] Oh, shit.
[both giggle]
[coyote howling]
I love you.
I love you, too, Eden.
What?
Did I just say "Eden"?
Mm-hmm.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
Who's Eden?
She was my last girlfriend.
Mm-hmm.
Of seven years.
Oh, wow.
And I...
kind of haven't been with
anyone since, so...
It's fine.
I am so sorry.
It's fine. Just...
I don't know.
What can you do?
So... What happened?
Uh, with what?
With Eden?
Right. Well, um...
She's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay. I kind of don't wanna
talk about it, if that's okay.
Yeah.
I... Yeah.
Right.
Sandwiches?
[dramatic instrumental music]
Wow!
I don't wanna creep
you out or anything,
but I saw that whole
show in there,
and ouch!
Whoo! Eden?
I mean, let's be honest.
She sounds like a bombshell.
You know what I mean?
No, no.
She sounds like a stripper.
Oh, no. She sounds like
an angel stripper
with wings,
who only strips for you.
I bet she's got a real
nice rack, too.
Huh? Big, but not too big.
Nice and manageable.
And she's dead! Oh!
I mean, how do you compete
with a dead angel stripper?
Okay. Well, I'm thinking,
you just go back in there
and sink this ship
before he does.
Yeah.
'Cause I mean, let's be real.
How long do you think he's
gonna dig this whole
quirky barista with
body issues thing?
Oh. Oh, and Beck?
You got a little something
on your face.
[laughs]
[Beck sighs]
Oh, come on.
You're really gonna make me eat
both of these sandwiches myself?
Because I will.
Nothing?
Okay.
Whatever.
Mm.
[drumroll]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [people cheering]
[cheering continues]
[audience booing]
[booing continues]
[laughter]
[music fades]
[violin strings screeching]
[video game playing]
Oh. Somebody slept in
this morning.
Hmm.
You've been up
for a while?
Yeah, you were snoring.
- Oh. Of course.
- So...
Pop tart?
Uh... pass.
So, check this out.
I was looking for
a pen this morning...
Mm-hmm.
So I went looking
through the drawers,
and I found a whole box
of bendy straws.
Mm-hmm.
So I was like,
"Okay, now I'm curious."
So I go through
some of the cabinets,
I fond two more boxes.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- So then I'm...
Mm-hmm.
Are you even paying attention,
or are you just doing that...
fucking "mm-hmm" thing
you do?
Like you're pretending
to care?
Oh, good. You're being a dick.
That's nice.
No, I heard your story.
Bendy straws. Very funny.
Is this your whole
day today, or...
I'm working.
[sighs heavily] Okay.
I guess I'll just...
I was gonna do all that.
Mm. If you were gonna do it,
you would have done it, right?
I'm still working on
that guy.
Ooh, it's probably
time to clean up.
[cell phone buzzing]
[dishes clattering]
Mm. Oh!
[exhales]
- [sighs]
- Who's that?
Who's what?
Who texted you?
- No one.
- No one?
Huh.
Well, who's Chippy?
Mm. Looking through my phone.
No, I wasn't looking
through your phone.
Well, browsing around...
Well, I thought it was
my phone, so, you know, I...
Oh. You thought that
this was your phone?
This, with the...
And then the...
Okay, all right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, um...
I'm gonna go on a run.
Can you run the dishwasher for me?
I loaded it.
If you loaded it,
why don't you just run it?
'Cause, Liam, I'm not doing
everything around here.
Okay?
Why are you taking
your phone with you?
Do you want me to go
on the run with you?
- [scoffs]
- Yeah. You know what?
Yeah. I'm gonna go on
the run with you.
Okay.
Did you even bring
running shoes?
Do you not want me to
go with you?
I don't care.
Yes, come on the run.
I'm not gonna come if you
don't want me to come.
Because then it becomes
like I...
You know what?
I'm just gonna go then.
- Just gonna go.
- Okay.
All right. Just be safe.
- Don't talk to strangers.
- Mm-hmm.
Look both ways
before you cross, okay?
Thank you, Dad.
I love you. I...
Huh.
Love you. Shouldn't...
[tense music playing]
I love you.
I can run.
I can do runs.
I think I could do it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Ha-ha. It's like...
[dramatic music playing]
Huh.
Whoo!
[sneezes]
Liam?
Liam, is that you?
Oh, hey.
What the...
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Well, you didn't say
"I love you" back.
What?
You didn't say
"I love you."
- Oh.
- When you left.
- So...
- Okay.
Uh... I guess
I didn't hear you.
Oh. Right.
Yeah, okay.
But do you?
Of course I do.
I just kind of wanna
hear you say it, though.
Okay.
I love you.
- [sighs dramatically]
- [chuckles]
Cool. [laughs]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
[water running]
[doorbell rings]
- [Beck] Is that the doorbell?
- Yes, I'll get it.
It's probably my mom.
What?
What would your mom
be doing here?
Uh, I invited her.
Why the hell would
you do that?
She wanted to come
and meet you.
Oh. Okay.
Well, now is not
the best time.
I mean, I'm in the shower,
and you were supposed to,
like, get ready
and go do something
together.
Okay. So what am I
supposed to do?
Tell her not to come inside?
Get back into her car
and drive all the way home
without meeting you?
I mean, yeah.
[exhales]
Mommy!
[mother] My sweet boy!
How are you?
You look tired.
Are you sleeping enough?
Yes, I'm sleeping enough.
Okay. Here, I brought you
some clean undies.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, Mommy.
You know, Liam, I was googling
this place on the computer,
and I read that there are spiders
and scorpions everywhere.
And if they get you,
your skin falls off.
There were pictures...
[exclaims]
Yeah. No, I haven't seen any.
[mother] Okay.
So, are you going to
invite your mother inside?
Or do you want her to bake
out here in the sun?
Well, actually, Mommy, um...
Beck's in the shower
right now.
[mother]
Oh, she's in the shower.
[gasps] Liam!
Is she naked in there?
Actually, no.
Probably not.
[mother]
Oh, thank God.
Well, we'll just put the kettle
on and wait for her to finish up.
Actually, Mommy,
the thing is...
Beck isn't really feeling
well right now. So...
Liam, she's sick?
[coughs] She could
be contagious.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, no?
Well, you know who else didn't think
I knew what I was talking about?
Yes, I know, Mommy.
I know.
I'm just gonna stay here, okay,
and take care of her.
But I'll make sure I take
plenty of vitamins.
Oh, you are such
a sweet prince.
How did you get to
be so sweet?
Oh...
My sweet mommy, probably.
I love you my sweet
little peanut boy.
Okay, I love you, too.
- Okay, sweetie.
- Okay.
- Mommy loves you.
- I love you.
- Sweetheart. [kissing]
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Bye, Bye.
I love you. Bye bye.
[sighs]
Okay, let's hear it.
Hear what?
What do you have
against my mother?
What? I don't even
know your mother.
And whose fault is that?
Okay. I just think it's
a little bit weird
that you'd invite her
here today.
- What?
- I mean, I thought we were gonna, I don't know...
hang out together
like we used to.
Not just sit around all day while
you play your stupid Nintendo
and hang out with
your mom.
Okay, first off, you know damn
well that is not a Nintendo.
Okay? And secondly, I'm a
little offended that you...
I'm sorry, I can't understand
what you're saying right now,
because you're gnawing off your
fingers like a fucking psychopath.
You said you thought
that was cool.
Okay. I used to think
jean shorts were cool.
Real nice, Beck.
Real nice.
Can you help me
take this thing off?
Why do you wanna
take it off?
Because it's itchy, and
it's way too tight, and...
I just need
to take it off.
Well, you can't.
What?
Why not?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Liam.
What is this thing?
It's a tracking device.
What did you think it was?
What?
Yeah. How else am I supposed to
know where you are at all times?
Liam, that is insane!
That's, like, beyond insane.
Wait, hold on.
Don't... Okay.
I need to know you're
safe at all times.
Ow! You just made it tighter!
Beck, I'm sorry, okay?
But I can't lose you too.
[slow clap]
Oh! What the fuck
is that?
Nice performance there,
douchebag.
Relax. He's just
a friend of mine.
That's right.
Relax, Liam.
Relax, man!
Let me get up to speed here.
So, uh...
For some reason,
Mr. Clingy with the dead
stripper girlfriend here
is totally hooked on
the Beck sauce. Ow!
And he's upset because you
don't wanna meet his mommy
and wear a tracking
bracelet, right?
Am I right?
Yeah. Well, honestly,
I'm surprised the guy's so jazzed up
on you, considering all your weird,
albeit justified body issues.
Okay, I'm sorry. Who is
this mean little monster?
Oh, who's this mean...
You know, I got your mean
little monster right here.
Oh, gross, man.
Come on!
Just cut it out, guys.
Beck, can I please
see you in the fort?
Alone?
Oh, well, hello.
Hey, Liam.
What the hell's going on?
Beck, I think this will
be really good for us.
Thank you, Liam.
Beck, Liam wishes to unburden
himself of his feelings.
Oh, he does?
This is a safe space.
Why don't you sit down?
I'm sure there's a thing
or two you'd like to say
as well?
I'll sit down.
Liam, you, too.
[Beck sighs]
What's on your mind, Liam?
Well, first,
Dr. Lipschweiss,
let me just say thank you
so much for taking time
out of your very busy schedule
to meet with us.
We really appreciate it.
I recently had
the displeasure
of meeting one of
Beck's friends.
And I have to say that
I am a little uncomfortable
with the nature of
their relationship.
We're doing this?
Okay, we're doing this.
Hi, Dr. Lipschweiss.
Hi.
I think Liam needs
to calm down.
Chippy is just a friend.
And Liam here is acting
like a crazy person.
[Liam] Chippy?
That's the guy that
texted you earlier?
Why is this guy texting you
and then showing up uninvited?
Dr. Lipschweiss, why is
this guy texting her
and then showing up uninvited?
Because, Liam, he's one of
my oldest friends in the world.
That's just his thing.
It's what he does.
He's your oldest
friend in the world?
Is this the same friend that got
you all fucked up in college?
Liam!
Language!
This is a safe space.
Sorry, Dr. Lipschweiss.
Look, I was in
a dark place back then.
Okay?
I am just as much to blame
for that as Chippy.
[sighs] He may seem
a little bit, you know,
rough around the edges,
but honestly,
at least he tells me
the truth.
Okay.
Well, I don't want you
seeing him anymore.
Excuse me?
[Liam] You heard me.
You can't tell me who I
can be friends with.
Really? 'Cause I'm
pretty sure I just did.
Wow. So this is one of those,
like, "It's him or me" things?
Yeah.
Pretty much.
I feel like the choice
should be pretty obvious.
I mean, that guy is
an asshole.
And he's the reason you messed
up your whole fucking life.
Liam!
Safe space.
Sorry, again.
- Wow.
- [Chippy humming]
Oh. Okay.
Sorry, didn't know you guys
were mid-sess.
Man, it looks like you're really
working through some things here.
So?
I'm gonna go on a beer run.
Beck, I know what you like.
Liam, I'll see if they make
wine coolers for you, sport.
Cool, cool, cool. Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah? How about you, toots?
No, thank you, um...
sweetheart.
Well, okay.
[humming]
[footsteps walking away]
[clock ticking]
You know what I think?
I think our time is up.
[whooshes]
I think we made some
good progress here today.
I have a proposal to make you.
Okay, sure.
You trust me?
Yes, Dr. Lipschweiss,
we trust you.
We'll try anything.
Well, that's good.
Liam, I think you
should move out.
- What?
- Sounds good.
Some time apart
will be good for you both.
Mm-hmm. Agreed.
Okay. Well, guess that's it.
[clears throat]
You heard her.
That settles it.
Thank you, Dr...
The session is not over.
Liam, I'll send you
an invoice.
Now this session
is over.
[clock continues ticking]
Uh...
[melancholy music]
[engine roaring]
[crashing]
[sighs in exasperation] Fuck!
[sighs heavily]
[door opens]
[Chippy humming]
[Chippy] Oh, fuck me, man.
[Chippy laughing]
Fuck me!
- [humming cheerfully]
- [bottles clinking]
Huh? What's up, skank?
Didn't go well with
the old lady, huh?
Tough break, chico.
Catch.
I'll put in a good word
for you. Ha!
Yo, what up, baby?
[laughs] Oh, girl, you look...
moderately okay this morning.
Dick.
Ah! Goddamn, it's good.
Fuck, that's good!
[birds chirping]
[video game playing]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
- I...
- I, uh...
[both laugh]
Um...
You go.
I wasn't expecting
to see you.
Right. I was just
in the area...
on my way
to the kitchen.
- Cool.
- So...
- Cool.
- Um...
You look really busy.
Oh. You know what? I needed
to take a break anyway.
- Do you wanna sit?
- Uh...
I probably shouldn't.
I don't know if that's
the best idea.
Right. No...
- You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
- But, um...
- Um...
- So...
- [both chuckle nervously]
- How are you?
- I... I'm good.
I'm really good.
- I'm good.
- Great.
- And you?
- Good. Yeah. Oh, so good.
- Really good.
- Cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's good to hear.
Yeah.
You look really nice.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
I stopped eating.
- You look nice, too.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I started wearing
pants again.
[chuckles] I could tell.
And you changed your hair?
Uh...
I think I just
took my hat off, but...
it's nice you noticed.
- It looks great.
- Thanks.
- So you're still with...
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, got the old
nine to five.
- Cool. And it's...
- Oh, it's great.
- It's great?
- Yeah, better than ever, actually.
Oh.
Yeah. I've got over 2,000
subscribers to my stream now.
Liam, that's incredible.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Really proud of you.
- Yeah. I'm, uh...
[voice choking]
I'm really happy.
What? What is it?
No, I just...
I'm grateful for
all of my success.
Don't get me wrong, but...
What is it if I can't
share it with you?
Liam, no, this is not
a good time.
Please don't do this
right now.
Beck, since we've been apart, I've
had some time to think, and...
I think we should
give it another chance.
I don't know, Liam.
[sighs] I don't know.
[Chippy] Beck, let's go.
[Beck] Oh, God.
I have to go.
No, stay, stay.
I can't.
Liam, I...
I think Dr. Lipschweiss
was right.
I think that we need
some time apart.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.
[Chippy] Seriously,
let's fucking go!
Yeah.
[sighs deeply]
Hey, thanks for, um,
cleaning the place up.
It means a lot to me.
I didn't wanna get charged
extra cleaning fee.
That's so sweet.
[sighs]
[Chippy] Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
Those are both for me,
obviously!
You think you can
afford to eat that?
Huh, cankles?
Why don't you feed yourself
some ice cubes
if you're hungry, huh?
You're packing on, mate.
What are you crying about,
huh, saddlebags?
Huh? Fatty? Huh?
[Chippy continues indistinctly]
Okay, I can't take
any more of this.
Liam, what are you
doing here?
Whoa! Look whose
balls dropped!
Oh, fuck you, Chippy.
- Fuck me? Fuck you.
- Fuck you, man.
- Guys, just stop it.
- Oh, shut up, Beck.
Okay, this guy is
a miserable fucking asshole.
Whoa!
What he wants is for you two to be
miserable fucking assholes together.
Liam, you're wrong.
Chippy is my friend.
Yeah, Liam, I'm her friend,
and who the fuck are you?
I love her.
Okay? I actually
care about her.
Oh, please!
You know how this is
gonna go, don't you, Beck?
Huh? He's gonna
wear you down,
and smother you until
you eventually give in.
And as soon as you do,
he'll get bored.
He'll leave you all alone,
just like your mother.
[Liam] Hey, that is not true.
That is not true, Beck, okay?
Look...
I love you.
[Chippy]
Oh, cut it out!
You don't love her, man.
You just settled for her,
'cause you lost your ex.
Now you're smothering
the shit out her.
You're probably gonna lose
your consolation prize too.
He's right, Liam.
How am I ever gonna compete
with your dead ex-girlfriend?
Well, Beck, um...
I mean, you called me "Eden".
You said,
"I love you, too, Eden."
How do you think
that made me feel?
You obviously still
love her.
And smothering me in this fake
love isn't gonna bring her back.
Right. Yeah, um...
When I said she was dead...
Yeah?
Well, you know how, like,
people say things sometimes
that in the moment,
they kind of
- get all...
- Oh, my God.
Liam, is Eden not dead?
Ooh! Fuck me!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Beck, let me explain.
Oh, what a twist.
I did not see this coming.
I meant figuratively.
You know?
Like, she's dead to me.
Like, I'm so over her,
she might as well be dead.
Liam, that's sick.
That's what a fucking
sick person does.
[Chippy]
Oh, my God.
- Beck, please.
- No.
Okay, I love you. I wouldn't
say anything to hurt you.
No. I don't even know
who you are right now.
Oh, my God! This is one of the
greatest things I've ever seen.
Shut the fuck up, Chippy!
[yelling]
[both yelling]
[Beck] Oh, God!
- Chippy, don't!
- Move, bitch.
[Liam] Ow!
Chippy, don't!
[screaming]
All right, stop it. The
both of you, just stop!
[Chippy] Shut up,
you little dick.
No, that is it.
I am done!
Beck, please.
Okay? I love you.
All right?
I need you.
You're perfect.
[scoffs] You're not perfect
by a long shot.
You need me.
I won't lie to you.
Don't fucking talk
to her like that, man.
Ah, she needs to hear it.
That's it.
I am done.
Okay? I don't need
either one of you.
- Beck.
- Beck...
I don't need you, Liam.
And I don't need you,
Chippy.
What?
No!
[coughing]
Chippy?
[continues coughing]
Chippy!
What's going on?
Chippy!
You said that...
You said the words.
What? What words?
"I don't need you, Chippy."
Oh, Chippy, I take them back.
I take them back.
[gasping for breath]
- Oh, Chippy, no!
- [squeaking]
[Chippy gasps]
Your breath...
is terrible.
[groans]
[sobbing]
Chippy...
- My Chippy.
- It's okay.
You're better off
without him.
You don't need him.
Okay? It'll just
be us now.
No.
No, it's over.
Beck...
Uh-huh. It has to be.
Because of that guy?
Cut it off, Liam.
Beck...
Cut... it... off.
Now.
[exhales]
[somber music]
[Beck sobbing]
Oh, Chippy.
My Chippy boy!
[car door slams shut]
[car engine starts]
I love you, Chippy.
[solemn music playing]
[knock on door]
Hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
[Sara] Ooh. I like what
you've done with the place.
Thanks.
I figured it was time I
started living like an adult.
Yeah. Officially move into
your friend's guesthouse
after just squatting there
for free for two years.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come a long way, huh?
Aw, Lili...
You guys, I'm gonna
die alone.
No, you're not.
- You've got us.
- I'm serious.
I really liked this girl.
Like, a lot.
And I fucked it up.
But it's Eden, you know.
She got in my head.
She made me crazy.
No, man.
You gotta stop it with that.
What?
You didn't become this
because of her.
You were always this way.
- Buddy...
- No, Sara. We can't keep doing this.
Look, Liam, this is an
important moment in your life.
And I'm really sorry, but,
I love you, man, and
I'm gonna have to get
real with you right now.
- Okay?
- Are you... Are you gonna hit me?
What? No, I'm not gonna...
You didn't lose Eden.
You sort of
pushed her away
by acting like a psycho
all the time.
- What?
- I'm serious.
Like, you remember the time
you hid in her trunk
when she was just trying
to go to the dentist?
Yeah. Well, sure. I wanted to
make sure she got there safe.
Do you remember that other
time you ran down the street
chasing her because
she went on a run
and she forgot to say,
"I love you too"?
"Chase" is like
an aggressive word.
I feel like it's more like
I followed her at a distance.
[Sara] No, still... Bad.
Sounds bad.
It's not your fault that
Eden cheated on you.
But she did try to break up with you
like a good half a dozen times, man,
and you just didn't
let her.
You know, and I don't condone
what she did, but,
you made it tough for her
to be your girlfriend.
Yeah, you were kind of
a stalker type.
Actually, you are.
'Cause you stalk me sometimes.
Not like in a sexual way.
Okay, look...
When you love something, Liam,
you tend to Lenny it.
I "Lenny it"?
You know, it's like...
[mimicking] "I like petting
soft things, George."
"Oh, Go... Oh, God!"
Jesus, Buddy!
Too far.
Okay, so...
If it's not Eden,
then why am I like this?
- Your mom.
- It's your mom.
My mom.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I should have
put that together.
I'm sorry that I had
to say all that stuff.
But I really care about you,
and I hope that it was helpful.
I... I appreciate that.
I care about you
too, big guy.
Thanks.
You're a good man.
- Such a good friend.
- You make me a good man.
I do? Me?
Gross. All right.
I'm out of here.
- Where are you going?
- Out. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go out.
All right.
See you later. Keep...
- Do you wanna have sex in his bed?
- Obviously.
Oh, my God.
I wanna fuck your dragon.
[Franklin] No, I don't like
the noodles there.
No, that delivery man
scares me.
Uh, no.
I don't want that.
I don't know, Bobby,
just fucking pick something.
Whatever!
I am so sorry...
that I yelled.
Aw, I love you, boo.
[giggling]
Oh, yeah.
Oh. Okay. Bye, bye.
So you're a crazy person.
Yeah, definitely.
How does Bobby
put up with that?
It's been seven years.
I let my crazy out in
such a slow trip,
he didn't even know
it was happening.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[both] Muah!
- Love you.
- Love you!
[laughs] Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [both laugh awkwardly]
Hey.
Hi. [laughs]
I just, um...
[Beck] Yeah.
I'm sorry I'm weird
and fucked up.
Um...
Me, too.
For my weird and
fucked-up-ness.
Uh...
Are you hungry?
Starving.
[gentle music]
All right.
You ready?
- Cheers?
- Cheers.
- Whoa. Are you kidding me?
- What?
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't let you eat that.
What? Why?
- Look at this.
- Yeah?
What do you call this?
It's a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
Okay, I hate to be
the one to tell you this,
but that bite right there
is going to be a disaster.
All right. Fair, fair. But I
was like rushing, you know.
So don't make me judge my peanut
butter and jelly making skills.
You cannot rush a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.
You were done, you know.
I wanted to get done,
so we could be done together.
Aw. That's very nice.
But, no, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to
spread that shit out.
- Right now?
- It's cool. I'll wait.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you
for obliging.
Thank you.
All right.
It's kind of a mess.
I'm just gonna do that.
- It's gonna be better.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Good?
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Better?
- Very good.
- Cheers?
- Cheers.
Okay, it is better.
See? I know a thing or two.
["All My Life" playing]
Ooh
[woman]
Last song of the night.
[man] We're gonna hit you
with some sweetness.
[woman]
Can you feel that?
[man] Mm.
[woman] This one's for
all of you lovers out there.
[man] Here we go,
here we go, here we go.
I will never find
Another lover
Sweeter than you
Sweeter than you
And I will never find
Another lover
More precious than you
More precious than you
Girl, you are close to me
You're like my mother
Close to me
You're like my father
Close to me
You're like my sister
Close to me
You're like my brother
Brother, brother
You are the only one
My everything
And for you
This song I sing
And all my life I've prayed
for Someone like you
[woman] That's right.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
[man] Hit you with that
falsetto, girl.
Yes, I pray that
You do love me, too
I said you're all that
I'm thinking of
Ooh, I sound good
Said
I promise to never
Fall in love with a stranger
You're all I'm thinking of
I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love
I cherish every hug
I really love you
And all my life, baby, baby
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally
Found you, baby
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile, on my face
All I see is a glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up
When I was down
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
Say you're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me too
All my life, I've prayed
For someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
[man] Yes, you.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me, too
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
[man]
This is where we get quiet.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
Well, all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me, too
[thunder crashing]
[melancholy music playing]
[window squealing]
[instrument strings squealing]
Hey, what's up, man?
Nothing, working.
You're... Oh, right.
I still can't believe that people
pay to watch you play video games.
Teenagers, man.
But why stop there?
I mean, why don't they just watch
someone watching TV or something?
- Ridiculous!
- [computer dings]
Thank you, MilfBlaster69.
That's very cool.
Hey, I forgot to tell you.
I went to the post office
the other day.
There's a new girl
working there,
and she is very cute.
[woman]
Uh, what was that, buddy?
What the hell's that?
- Is that Sara?
- Yeah, she's playing from the house.
Uh... Hi, sweetie.
Can you...
Aren't you supposed
to be working?
[Sara] Yeah, here's an idea.
Why don't you tell me about this woman
you got pregnant at the post office?
No, no, no. I was gonna suggest
that Liam should ask her out.
Right? I mean, she's not
even my type. Okay?
You're my
one and only, babe.
Okay, you're forgiven.
- So what do you think?
- Pass.
What are you
talking about "pass"?
She's probably gonna
say yes.
You know, because she
works at the post office,
so she doesn't have, like,
a lot of options.
A hard pass.
[woman] Okay.
You got it, Charlie?
- Yes.
- [chuckles]
Thank you, sweetheart.
You're welcome.
I'll be over here.
- Okay.
- Right over here.
Maybe you and Charlie
should... date.
Jesus, dude!
No! Why are you so obsessed
with me dating someone?
Because you can't be
a full time hag forever.
"Full time"?
I am not full time.
I'm more like weekends and
select week nights.
- Uh-huh.
- Speaking of...
What are we doing tonight?
Me and my boyfriend
are going to this guy,
Shane's curated salon.
Ew. You just said that
way too casually.
Well, it's serious.
He hosts a monthly
Salon De Musique.
Oh, wow.
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars, Mars is gonna be playing.
- No.
- What?
Uh-uh.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know what? At least
one of you moved today.
If this is gonna
be it though,
you're gonna be playing
video games and masturbating
in our guesthouse
for the rest of your life.
Liam does not masturbate.
It's true. Not anymore.
Well, you know what?
Maybe you should, you know, get
the blood pumping a little bit.
- Ew, I don't need to imagine blood and dicks together.
- [cell phone buzzes]
You don't picture that?
- Huh. Interesting.
- What?
Shane wants Fuck Dragon
to play the salon tonight.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
"SOS. Can Fuck Dragon
play the salon tonight?
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars canceled at the last second.
Please help.
Lots of people."
No, I don't think so, man.
A salon?
You know, it's like a place where
like-minded people get together
and they sort of,
like, appreciate art.
It's like a Victorian thing.
Right. And they want
Fuck Dragon to play?
'Cause we're so good.
We are so good.
Word.
I think we should do this.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Um...
Come on, man. We'll bring
the fucking house down.
Just like the old days.
And you're gonna get out
of the guesthouse
and you're gonna
talk to some people.
This is a win-win for us.
Hey, look, we haven't
performed since high school.
What if I don't remember
the words?
What if we mess up? We're
gonna look like assholes.
I... Pass.
Hard pass.
Well, I already said yes.
So now we gotta do it,
or Shane's gonna be furious.
This is gonna be
really good, man.
I'm very excited.
And I gotta go work, 'cause
I got a big meeting today.
I'm gonna see you tonight.
Okay?
Fuck Dragon
Don't do that with your hips.
Fuck Dragon.
Where the fuck is Buddy?
We gotta get this thing going.
The audience is
getting restless.
He's gonna be here, okay?
Don't worry about it.
Hi. Welcome to
the latest installment of
my Salon De Musique.
Slight change of plans.
Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars,
Mars, Mars, Mars...
Uh, they can't be here.
- What?
- What?
[Shane]
We have somebody else.
Please give it up for...
Fuck Dragon.
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- Um...
- [feedback whining]
Uh, check, one, two.
One, two.
Oh, my God.
This is embarrassing.
Test one.
One, two...
- [phone alert dings]
- ...three.
[Buddy on voicemail,
amplified] Hey, man, uh...
- [feedback whining]
- I'm really sorry,
but it turns out that
I have to work late tonight.
You know, we have
a conference call
with these bankers in China.
The fucking time zones,
am I right.
Anyway, just go on
without me.
You're gonna be fine.
Those idiots aren't gonna
care if I'm there or not.
Fuck Dragon...
[plays backing track]
Um...
So we are...
I am Fuck Dragon!
This is a song about
friendship and sandwiches.
Um, it'd supposed to be a
conversation between two people,
so you're gonna have to use
your imagination a little bit.
When I'm here,
it's gonna be me,
so just picture me.
Right? Uh...
And then when I'm over here,
picture like a really tall asshole guy
that's a dick to all of his friends.
[laughs]
- Yeah. Okay, so...
- He's funny.
Here we go.
[clears throat]
Now listen up.
I said I'm hungry, man
So pay close attention
To the master plan
It goes
Now get up off
Your lazy ass
Run into the kitchen
Better make it fast
Yo, look around
In the cabinets
For the shit that I'm
Reading off my list
I want three things
And it ain't that tough
And two out of three
Won't be good enough
I want peanut butter
But not that chunky shit
I want it smooth and brown
Like I like my bitch
I want jelly
Cream and strawberry
Put it on some white bread
And do it in a hurry
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some...
Okay, now, like the big,
tall, like jerk asshole guy.
Yo, don't tell me
What to do
Go make it yourself
And make me one, too
Potato bread
Is what I like it on
It's really soft
And it's got it going on
And, man
You must be tripping, son
Chunky is the shit
And creamy is done
I like grape jelly
I'm a picky-ass dude
Now get off your ass
And bring me my food
I want some peanut butter
And some jelly on a sandwich
I want some...
[both giggling]
Cool show.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Seriously.
It was hilarious.
Glad you found it funny.
That whole bit with
the, uh...
the voicemail.
So meta.
Right.
Yeah. No, well, yeah.
I workshopped that
for a while,
and I got a positive
response, so...
Yeah. I mean, it really
sets up the whole
loser friendless character
clinging to his past thing.
Yeah.
That voicemail's real?
Are you ki...
- I'm so sorry!
- It's okay.
Oh, stupid!
Well, you have to admit,
it was kind of funny.
Do I? Is it?
I mean, my best friend told me
he doesn't have time for me
through a PA system in a roomful
of judgmental elitists.
It's a little funny. Yeah, okay.
I'm with you.
- Kind of funny.
- Yeah.
- Also kind of sucks.
- Mm-hmm.
I... Shit, I can't believe
you still played.
I just didn't want
Shane to yell at me.
He whispers when he yells.
It's like a thousand
times scarier.
I can see that.
Well, I really liked it.
Thanks.
Also, I really like
PB and Js.
Oh.
Kind of a connoisseur.
A connoisseur of PB and J?
I'm no connoisseur.
Buddy and I just used to get really
high and want PB and J, that's all.
Ooh. I'm PB and jelly.
Like jealous?
No, I understood it.
I just didn't wanna...
- That was just bad.
- That was just bad. Yeah.
Don't explain the jokes.
Okay.
Um, well...
- Cool show.
- Thank you.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
Hey, here's to my only fan,
and apparently my
new best friend.
Mm. I am Beck.
Liam.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So Bobby just got us invited to
this warehouse party downtown,.
Apparently there's
a hundred year old leprechaun
that's drinking Rose out of
an ice dick lute.
But like a real leprechaun.
- Not a fake leprechaun.
- I get it. I get it.
- I mean...
- Really, it's too much.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi. Heh.
Cool, guys. I think
Liam and I are just gonna go
grab some tacos or something.
Oh, cool. You and, um...
Liam!
Liam. Hi, Liam.
Okay, that's fine.
Thanks.
Yeah. Maybe I'll just,
like, see you later, or...
- Yeah. Bye, Liam.
- Maybe...
Nice to meet you guys.
Bye.
[Franklin] Have fun!
You like tacos, right?
- So, like, one day...
- Mm...
We're all playing Mario Kart,
and the next,
Buddy and Sara are married,
and they have a house, and they
look forward to trips to West Elm.
It's the same thing
with Franklin. I mean...
He's not even
Franklin anymore.
He's just like this
weird version of Franklin.
He's like Bobby's
boyfriend Franklin.
And on the off chance I can
get Buddy and Sara to play
Mario Kart with me,
they won't even shoot
each other with shells.
Which means they're saving
their shells for me.
- Oh, God.
- I mean, that's not fair.
No.
It's like I'm just
trying to stay alive
while everyone is
cruising to the finish.
Dude, we are
bringing up the rear,
slipping on banana peels as
everyone else is laughing at us.
Right. Hey, man.
- Can we have two more?
- [man] Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- You know what?
I don't even want that.
- No more?
- Hmm?
- No tacos?
- Oh, no, no.
Yes. I mean, yes.
Always tacos.
I mean, I don't want to
be that, you know,
Beck in a relationship
version of Beck.
I just wanna be Beck.
You know?
Beck Beck.
Beck Beck's cool.
Why change that?
- Exactly.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, you know what?
If I played you in Mario Kart,
I'd freakin' blast you
with shells.
Dude, that's like the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
It's like feeling this
pressure from people
who want us to find someone
and get in a relationship.
Oh, of course.
Hi, I'm Beck.
Wanna get married?
- Fuck that, man. Right?
- Pathetic. Mm-hmm.
I like being, like,
a weird loner guy.
You know what?
It really suits you.
We should hang out.
And be weird
loner guys together.
- Okay.
- I'm serious.
- Okay.
- Let's freaking get out of here.
I mean, go away for
the weekend.
- All right. Where are we going?
- I don't know.
Someplace cool.
It's workable.
Sure.
And just some place away
from all the shell-hoarding,
boyfriend, girlfriend
versions of people people.
- Oh, I'm down for that.
- Yeah?
- Oh, I'm down.
- Okay.
Okay. Let's play a game.
Uh-oh, he's moving.
- On the count of three...
- Yeah.
We'll both say a place.
Same place, that's where
we're gonna go.
- Oh, I like this.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, do it.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- I'll start?
Hit me, come on.
- One, three...
- Two...
- Disneyland.
- Switzerland.
- Shit.
- That's close.
- So...
- What about the desert?
You know what? I've never
been to the desert.
- Yeah?
- That's crazy.
- Yes, the desert.
- Okay.
Let's go to the desert.
We'll get a house,
we'll hang out.
Like a couple of cool
independent people people.
Perfect.
- Logistics.
- Talk to me.
- Two bedroom.
- Duh.
- And a pool.
- Double duh.
- And an espresso machine.
- Sold.
When do you wanna go?
- So, to recap.
- Mm-hmm.
We're just two totally normal,
totally cool,
independent people people
doing our own totally
normal, totally cool
independent people
people thing together.
Exactly.
No funny business.
Thank you. No deep conversations
over storied pasts.
Yeah, right. While looking
up into the night sky.
This is called a friendship
friend trip.
A friendship
friend trip.
I like it.
It's a little hard to say,
we'll workshop.
- I kind of felt that, too.
- Okay.
We'll work on it.
Allow me.
Thank you.
[straining]
- Titties.
- Got it?
Yes.
Friendship friend trip!
[upbeat music playing]
We'll workshop that, too.
I'll work on that.
Okay. Is it more like a
cactus or Cameron Diaz?
Cactus.
Cactus or...
plastic bag?
Plastic bag.
Okay.
Plastic bag or...
a condom?
Ooh, ooh. Uh...
Mm... condom.
- [Beck] Ee...
- Yep.
[Beck] Okay.
Condom or...
A balloon animal?
Definitely balloon animal.
- Really?
- Yep.
Okay. A balloon animal or...
Oh! A child-sized
froggy inner tube.
Got it!
She got it!
- Come on, this is what you picked?
- Yeah.
What else am I gonna pick
in the car?
That's freaking true.
Well... made it out
alive.
- That bad?
- Oh, yeah.
Grossest bathroom ever.
I believe someone was
recently murdered in there.
Yeah, I could have
told you that.
Wait a second.
Is that why you
brought me out here?
[gasps dramatically] No!
The Rest Stop Killer
strikes again!
[Beck screaming]
Love
I'm never gonna
Fall in love
No, I don't ever want that
Rub your back
Share my snack
Stupid love
I like you
But I am never gonna
Like, like you
Better believe I'll never Lose
a freaking ounce Of sleep
Wondering if you
Like me, too
Oh, lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love
Is so du-du-du-du-dumb
I just li-li-li-li-li-li-like
To be left al-lo-lo-lo-lone
Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love
Is so du-du-du-du-dumb
Please leave me alone
[music stops]
Dude!
Most legitimate.
Internet.
Nice.
[Liam] I think they said
something about a rock.
[Beck] You mean, one of those
rocky highway thingies?
Right. To find it,
I have to...
[Beck laughs]
[Beck] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Found it.
- Oh.
- Kenefick rock.
- Uh?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
As good as the photos?
Yeah. Better.
Oh, heck yeah.
- Jellyfish that out.
- Jellyfishing. Okay.
Wow. What a terrible view.
[Liam] Totally.
You really found a house
with an espresso machine?
It was one
of the requirements.
So obviously I'll take the big room,
because I am bigger than you.
You a-hole.
Fine, I'll take
the small room
that's shitty and not at all
cool and nice.
[Beck] So who do you think
owns this house?
Uh, I don't know. Middle
aged man, woman, two kids.
[Beck] Boring. Try again.
I think it's the granddaughter of the
dude who invented the bendy straw.
You're jumping on the bed?
Nope.
Are you?
No.
Aha!
Proof.
Hmm.
Hiya!
Oh, shit!
- [Liam] You okay?
- Yeah.
Uh, just checking
for monsters.
Um, you hungry?
[Liam] Let's play a game.
Okay.
Do you know how to play
the face game?
Um, no.
Okay. Super easy.
I just give you a direction
and then you do it.
- Okay, go.
- Okay.
Cross your eyes.
- Okay.
- Wait, how about that?
Oh, don't do that.
100% don't do that.
It's advanced. I'm sorry.
Okay. So far so good.
Stick out your tongue.
So good. Now make your
eyes like super wide.
And you try to show
as much teeth as possible.
- Uh?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Hold that pose.
Oh, my God.
You're so good at this game.
You're like winning
at this game.
- How is this a game?
- It's not a game.
- So good for that.
- It's not a game?
- That's blackmail.
- What the hell is that?
No, get rid.
Delete, delete, delete.
All right. You wanna do me?
You could do me.
I definitely will
be doing that,
but right after we have
two more of these.
Truth. I like where
your head's at.
You wanna get the same thing?
Or you want something else?
I don't know.
What is that?
Uh-oh. Somebody bites
his nails.
Yeah, sorry.
I try not to.
My mom says it makes me
look neurotic.
I think it's kinda cool.
Makes it look like you're
really concentrating.
Like laser sharp focus
on picking the right drink.
Actually this one time
in college,
Buddy and I got these fake IDs
from a weird goth kid,
and we took it to this
liquor store on campus
that would take any ID.
So we go.
It's Buddy. It's me.
Eighteen-year-old computer nerds,
we didn't know what to get,
so we got
a bottle of cognac,
because we thought
it sounded cool.
Mm-hmm.
And then we brought it
back to our dorm
and we mixed it with
Half and Half.
Why would you do that?
It's the only thing we had
in our fridge.
That's the worst.
I've never been sicker
in my life.
Yeah, that's
absolutely disgusting.
- [laughs]
- Oh, my God.
I really like that "mm-hmm"
thing you do.
What? What "mm-hmm" thing?
You say "mm-hmm" when there's a
natural pause in the conversation.
- Do I?
- Yeah.
- You don't realize that?
- No. I... I hate that.
I like it. It means
you're paying attention.
You're really invested
in the epic tale of
Liam and the Bottle of Cognac.
You made it pretty epic.
You kids need another drink?
Uh... yes.
May I have...
a cognac and
Half and Half?
Oof! We're doing this?
- Oh, yeah.
- You sure?
Definitely. Go.
Two cognacs and
Half and Half, please, Mary.
[Mary snorts]
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mary.
- Mm-hmm. Hates us.
- Hates us.
- Hates us so much.
- Dead stare.
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
[man]
What's up there, kiddo?
Looks like you're having
a good time out there. Yeah?
Although you might want to
take it easy on the nachos.
Just a suggestion from
an old friend.
[loud fart]
[woman 1]
What about me, Liam?
[woman 2]
What about me, Liam?
You don't love me anymore.
Is that it?
I'm sure you'll be able to work on that
thigh gap before swimsuit season, huh?
[laughs] But don't worry.
You know what?
Some guys like
a little extra cushion
for the pushing.
Oh, no!
Come on, Beck.
Don't be so sensitive.
[woman 3] Liam?
[woman 4] Uh, Liam?
[woman 5] Liam!
[woman 3] Liam! Ow!
You guys still working
on these nachos?
- No.
- Nope.
Okay. Well, you want me
to wrap them up?
- No.
- No.
Geez. Okay.
Can I ask you
a serious question?
[in high-pitched voice] Do you want
anymore cognac and Half And Half?
Yes, please.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Two more cognac and
Half And Halfs, please.
- Please.
- Please.
I think she just
smiled at me.
Yeah. She loves us now, right?
- She's coming around.
- She's coming around, right?
I think she's coming around.
Burn up
Every cloud above
My head
Clear the smog
And let me rest
Somewhere
Every room inside this house
Covered with the memory
Of love
All we had
There's nothing left
Stars are on
The loose again
Searching
Trying to find a better way
Hoping we can find it
I don't want to go
Back there
There's nothing left for me
What did you expect?
I get, I get
Get by without you, babe
I get, I get, get by
I get, I get, get by
Without you, babe
I get, I get, get high
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Like I'm dancing on The yellow, yellow,
yellow Yellow, yellow, yellow sun
Dancing on
The yellow, yellow sun
Last song of the night.
[waltz music playing]
Are you enjoying
the snowball dance?
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
I saw you,
over here, looking at me...
over there.
Well, that's because
I'm a shy nerdy guy
who stands in the corner, afraid
to ask the pretty girl to dance.
Aw, come on, man.
It's the 90s.
Now the girls ask
the boys to dance.
[whispers]
Don't be afraid.
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Lower. Mm-hmm.
You can step in
a little closer.
What about Sister Agnes?
Who?
- Sister Agnes?
- Who's Sister Agnes?
Well, Sister Agnes says we need to
leave room for the Holy Spirit.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot this was
a Catholic school.
Yeah, we're like
super strict here.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about Sister Agnes.
I mean, she's probably off
catching Jimmy O'Sullivan smoking
cigarettes in the boys' room.
Oh, Jimmy's so bad.
He's the baddest guy.
So...
You ever been Frenched?
What? Yeah, like...
- A hundred times probably.
- Wow.
- Okay, I've practiced on my hand.
- Mm-hmm.
Have you?
I mean...
I'm like a really good Frencher.
Like, seriously next level
Frenching.
Like, the best Frencher
in the whole school. So...
Yeah.
I mean, I could teach you.
Yeah, okay.
Like, now.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, you ready?
Okay, hold on once second.
Yeah.
Okay, ready.
- Smooth move.
- Mm.
Okay, so...
First thing.
You're gonna take
a deep breath.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
Real deep breath.
And you can let it out.
- This is like to prep.
- Oh, okay.
This is to prep yourself.
And...
Okay, now it gets
a little tricky.
You're gonna stick out
your tongue,
and put it in my mouth,
and swirl it around
as fast as you can.
That sounds awesome.
Like really freaking fast.
Okay.
- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.
All my life
Baby, baby
I've prayed
For someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed
For someone like you
And I hope that you
Do love me
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile, on my face
All I see is a glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up
When I was down
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Hmm.
Hey.
Is that a...
Is that a rock in your pocket?
Yeah.
With a key in it.
Well...
My mom's here...
in a minivan.
So...
- Yeah.
- I should...
My mom's always late, so...
Classic mom.
Are you...
picturing me in a Catholic
school girl uniform right now?
Yeah. 100%.
I'm gonna look at
your yearbook photo
and listen to this song like
a hundred times this summer.
Cool.
Totally cool.
Uh...
I guess I'll see you
in high school?
- See you in high school.
- Mm.
Good night.
[gentle instrumental music]
Whoa.
Whoa. What up, sleepyhead?
What do we have here?
I'm currently making my
world-famous eggs
that are guaranteed to
knock your goddamn socks off.
Pshew!
- Okay.
- You like eggs, right?
Yeah. Do I like eggs?
Of course I like eggs!
Right.
All right. How about this?
I make one of my
world-famous lattes,
guaranteed to knock
your goddamn socks off,
then we'll both be sockless and one
step closer to getting in that pool.
I like it. I like it.
Good.
Permission to
compliment you.
Mm. Permission granted.
You look really pretty with
your hair all crazy like that.
Whoa, watch out now.
[laughs] Well, you look
really pretty in that apron.
It's 'cause real men
wear pink.
- Oh, do they?
- So...
- Real man.
- Okay.
- I wear pink.
- Do they?
I guess I forgot.
Come on...
Hey, you need help?
Okay.
You got it?
Bunny ears.
I do a loop it.
Loop it, scoop it.
Oh, okay,
I'll loop it.
- Not too tight.
- Just... Okay. Just give me a second.
- Okay.
- Perfect.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
Mm.
Mm. Delish.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Somehow your socks
are still on.
Holy cow! Watch out.
Whoo! My socks have somehow
been knocked clean off.
There we go.
That's better.
Hold on.
Mm-hmm.
What you got?
- Mm-mm.
- What you got?
- Uh-oh. Do you feel that?
- Uh-huh.
Do you feel that? Boom!
Boom!
We left each other sockless.
Wow.
It's amazing.
Hey, you got a...
You got a little...
- What?
- I don't know. Come here.
You got a little something.
Let me see.
Did you get it?
Yeah, almost.
Actually, you know what?
You got something, too.
[Beck] Hmm.
- There we go.
- Got it.
Um...
Thank you for...
for cooking, but...
I actually don't like eggs.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know what?
I don't drink coffee.
Oh.
It's okay.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Cool.
[Beck] So I remember reading
this thing in school.
Some philosopher said that
we were originally born with
four arms, four legs,
and a head with two faces.
And somewhere
along the lines,
the Gods decided to split
everyone into two separate parts,
so that the rest of your
existence on Earth
is all about trying to
find that other half.
Whoa.
That's a lot of pressure.
It scared the shit
out of me.
Like, what if your other half
is born in Laos?
I only found out that country
even exists like last week.
How am I gonna find
my other half there?
[Liam] Yeah. Or what if
your other half dies?
[Beck] Whoa.
I think I'd rather just get
really good at being a half.
Two arms, two legs,
one head.
[Liam] Oh, yeah.
One head is plenty.
[Beck] Mm-hmm.
[Liam] Buddy and Sara always make me
feel like I'm running out of time.
Like, if I don't
get a girlfriend,
someone from the government
is gonna come and kill me.
[Beck] Oh, yeah. Franklin asked
me if I would be his surrogate,
because what the fuck else
am I doing with my eggs?
[Liam] Can't you sell them
for, like, a ton of money?
[Beck chuckles]
[Beck] Oh, the other day he introduced
me to his bald 45-year-old neighbor
like he was a potential
love interest.
[Liam]
Oh, God. Like, yeah.
"This person likes to
breathe air too.
You two have so much
in common."
[Beck laughs] Mm-hmm.
It's like I'm that
guy from operation,
and everyone just takes turns trying to
fix me with those little metal tweezers.
[Liam] I can't even look at
the Internet anymore,
because there's just pictures
of people's babies.
[Beck] Mm-hmm.
Or photos of couples
at the Grand Canyon,
the girls flashing some, like,
ridiculous engagement ring.
[Liam]
I can't help but feel like
the people in those photos
are looking right at me.
Like, "What are you waiting
for, you fucking loser?"
[Beck] Yeah.
Fuck 'em all.
[Liam] Yeah. Fuck 'em all.
For the lady.
- Thank you, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on in.
Wow.
I cleared out my three
top drawers for you.
- Babe!
- Mm-hmm.
- I got you something.
- What?
Aw, babe!
You shouldn't have.
Wanted to.
- What is it?
- You'll see.
- Tell me, tell me, tell me...
- You'll see.
You'll see. You'll see.
You'll see.
[gasps]
What!
I made it myself.
I love green and yellow.
- May I?
- Yes, please.
I'll never take it off.
Good.
Good.
- Hey.
- Mm.
What was little Liam like?
Well, despite my hulking
physical presence,
I was a pretty small kid
growing up.
Aw! Little baby Liam.
I wanna know him.
What did he wanna be
when he grew up?
Football star.
- What?
- Mm.
- You played football?
- No.
God, no.
My mom didn't let me.
Said I was too small and
the other kids would hurt me.
[Beck] I don't like that.
[Liam] She bought me Nintendo.
And then I developed
a good old-fashioned
fear of people
bigger than me.
[Beck] Come on.
What did your dad have
to say about all that?
[Liam] Nothing.
My dad died when I was a baby.
[Beck] Oh.
I'm sorry.
[Liam] It's okay,
It was a heart attack.
My mom always said that she would try to
tell him to take better care of himself,
but he was too stubborn
to listen.
So growing up,
any time I disagreed with her,
she would say,
"You know who else
thought I was wrong?"
No!
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoa! That's...
That's heavy.
I grew up pretty much thinking
everything would kill me.
Oh, my God.
Ugh!
Sounds cruel, but,
sometimes I think I'd be
better of if my dad were dead.
What?
Yeah.
He, um...
He had an affair
when I was like six.
Some younger girl.
No!
Mm-hmm.
My parents tried to be
really discreet about it.
My mom had gained
all this weight, and...
my dad just...
treated her different...
like, physically.
He would only kiss her
on the top of her head.
Little things like that.
And then when it finally came
out with this younger girl...
My mom learned about it.
She didn't even...
She acted like she
didn't even care.
Like she just completely
shut down,
like a zombie. Like...
And then, I just
tried my best to
play make believe
with my best friend
and avoid them.
Shit, Beck.
Yeah.
Then he ended up running
off with the other girl.
And that was it.
Did you ever see him again?
Yeah, actually.
When I was in college
he got in touch with me.
And he asked me to
go out to lunch.
Did you go?
Mm-hmm.
But...
Sorry, I haven't talked about
this in a long time.
[sighs] When I got
to the restaurant...
[scoffs]
I saw him sitting there
in there window, and...
um...
He was really old...
and fat...
and bald.
And he looked...
He looked...
so nervous, and I just...
I was mad and angry
and grossed out.
I just didn't wanna fucking
deal with it, so I...
[sighs heavily]
I left. I just...
I didn't go in.
Wow.
And that was it?
Yeah.
Then I went back to...
distracting myself with
my old childhood friend.
I'm glad your friend
was there for you.
Mm, yeah. [chuckles]
Only this time,
out make-believe involved
some, like, heavy drinking
and drugs.
Stop!
Okay.
Beck, when do we get to
the part where you're the...
smart, beautiful, funny,
amazing Beck in the hammock
with the handsome gentleman?
God. Well...
After I failed out
of school...
Stop.
I started slowly crawling out of
this hole I had dug for myself.
I got a job
at the coffee shop,
and I met Franklin.
We hit it off, so...
Than I guess,
then I became the...
Smart...
Pretty... whatever you just
said, laying in the hammock
with a very
handsome gentleman.
I've never
been so happy
to be a handsome gentleman
in a hammock.
Mm.
[gentle music]
- I love you.
- I love you.
Ooh hoo!
My gosh.
Did you do this?
Now... are you...
ready...
for this?
Uh-oh.
I said, girl,
you think you can handle...
Uh-oh.
What is that?
That, can you handle that?
Peek-a-boo.
Are you...
ready for this? Hmm?
With one layer down,
a little bit now.
[laughs] Oh, God.
- Hmm?
- Uh-huh.
'Cause this right here...
This one is for you.
Oh! They say...
leave them wanting more,
you know. But...
You know what I say?
You give them more.
Oh!
I'm gonna hit you
with the MJ. Ah!
Ooh! Whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- Ah!
- Ah!
- No!
Wow.
Gotcha.
Uh-huh.
Is there a problem?
Um... [laughs awkwardly]
No.
Ow! Okay, I'm sorry.
[laughs nervously] Um...
What's going on here?
What? What are you
talking about?
Well, what is this?
Oh.
- The suit?
- Yeah.
The suit stays on.
Like... the whole time?
All the time.
Why?
So no one ever sees me naked.
- No one?
- No one.
- What about you?
- What about me?
Well, I mean, do you?
No. Obviously. I said no one.
Okay, so...
Never take the suit off?
Correct.
Even in the shower?
No. Because
it's a bathing suit.
Oh.
Yeah, okay. No, I guess
that makes sense.
Well, do you wash it?
Do I wash it?
Of course I wash it.
What do you think I am,
a crazy person?
When?
When I'm in the shower.
Right. Yeah, okay.
Huh.
And occasionally, I close my
eyes and Febreze the inside.
Huh.
- Yeah, fuck it. Okay.
- Okay.
[Beck] Oh, shit.
[both giggle]
[coyote howling]
I love you.
I love you, too, Eden.
What?
Did I just say "Eden"?
Mm-hmm.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
Who's Eden?
She was my last girlfriend.
Mm-hmm.
Of seven years.
Oh, wow.
And I...
kind of haven't been with
anyone since, so...
It's fine.
I am so sorry.
It's fine. Just...
I don't know.
What can you do?
So... What happened?
Uh, with what?
With Eden?
Right. Well, um...
She's dead.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay. I kind of don't wanna
talk about it, if that's okay.
Yeah.
I... Yeah.
Right.
Sandwiches?
[dramatic instrumental music]
Wow!
I don't wanna creep
you out or anything,
but I saw that whole
show in there,
and ouch!
Whoo! Eden?
I mean, let's be honest.
She sounds like a bombshell.
You know what I mean?
No, no.
She sounds like a stripper.
Oh, no. She sounds like
an angel stripper
with wings,
who only strips for you.
I bet she's got a real
nice rack, too.
Huh? Big, but not too big.
Nice and manageable.
And she's dead! Oh!
I mean, how do you compete
with a dead angel stripper?
Okay. Well, I'm thinking,
you just go back in there
and sink this ship
before he does.
Yeah.
'Cause I mean, let's be real.
How long do you think he's
gonna dig this whole
quirky barista with
body issues thing?
Oh. Oh, and Beck?
You got a little something
on your face.
[laughs]
[Beck sighs]
Oh, come on.
You're really gonna make me eat
both of these sandwiches myself?
Because I will.
Nothing?
Okay.
Whatever.
Mm.
[drumroll]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [people cheering]
[cheering continues]
[audience booing]
[booing continues]
[laughter]
[music fades]
[violin strings screeching]
[video game playing]
Oh. Somebody slept in
this morning.
Hmm.
You've been up
for a while?
Yeah, you were snoring.
- Oh. Of course.
- So...
Pop tart?
Uh... pass.
So, check this out.
I was looking for
a pen this morning...
Mm-hmm.
So I went looking
through the drawers,
and I found a whole box
of bendy straws.
Mm-hmm.
So I was like,
"Okay, now I'm curious."
So I go through
some of the cabinets,
I fond two more boxes.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- So then I'm...
Mm-hmm.
Are you even paying attention,
or are you just doing that...
fucking "mm-hmm" thing
you do?
Like you're pretending
to care?
Oh, good. You're being a dick.
That's nice.
No, I heard your story.
Bendy straws. Very funny.
Is this your whole
day today, or...
I'm working.
[sighs heavily] Okay.
I guess I'll just...
I was gonna do all that.
Mm. If you were gonna do it,
you would have done it, right?
I'm still working on
that guy.
Ooh, it's probably
time to clean up.
[cell phone buzzing]
[dishes clattering]
Mm. Oh!
[exhales]
- [sighs]
- Who's that?
Who's what?
Who texted you?
- No one.
- No one?
Huh.
Well, who's Chippy?
Mm. Looking through my phone.
No, I wasn't looking
through your phone.
Well, browsing around...
Well, I thought it was
my phone, so, you know, I...
Oh. You thought that
this was your phone?
This, with the...
And then the...
Okay, all right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, um...
I'm gonna go on a run.
Can you run the dishwasher for me?
I loaded it.
If you loaded it,
why don't you just run it?
'Cause, Liam, I'm not doing
everything around here.
Okay?
Why are you taking
your phone with you?
Do you want me to go
on the run with you?
- [scoffs]
- Yeah. You know what?
Yeah. I'm gonna go on
the run with you.
Okay.
Did you even bring
running shoes?
Do you not want me to
go with you?
I don't care.
Yes, come on the run.
I'm not gonna come if you
don't want me to come.
Because then it becomes
like I...
You know what?
I'm just gonna go then.
- Just gonna go.
- Okay.
All right. Just be safe.
- Don't talk to strangers.
- Mm-hmm.
Look both ways
before you cross, okay?
Thank you, Dad.
I love you. I...
Huh.
Love you. Shouldn't...
[tense music playing]
I love you.
I can run.
I can do runs.
I think I could do it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Ha-ha. It's like...
[dramatic music playing]
Huh.
Whoo!
[sneezes]
Liam?
Liam, is that you?
Oh, hey.
What the...
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Well, you didn't say
"I love you" back.
What?
You didn't say
"I love you."
- Oh.
- When you left.
- So...
- Okay.
Uh... I guess
I didn't hear you.
Oh. Right.
Yeah, okay.
But do you?
Of course I do.
I just kind of wanna
hear you say it, though.
Okay.
I love you.
- [sighs dramatically]
- [chuckles]
Cool. [laughs]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll see you.
- See you.
[water running]
[doorbell rings]
- [Beck] Is that the doorbell?
- Yes, I'll get it.
It's probably my mom.
What?
What would your mom
be doing here?
Uh, I invited her.
Why the hell would
you do that?
She wanted to come
and meet you.
Oh. Okay.
Well, now is not
the best time.
I mean, I'm in the shower,
and you were supposed to,
like, get ready
and go do something
together.
Okay. So what am I
supposed to do?
Tell her not to come inside?
Get back into her car
and drive all the way home
without meeting you?
I mean, yeah.
[exhales]
Mommy!
[mother] My sweet boy!
How are you?
You look tired.
Are you sleeping enough?
Yes, I'm sleeping enough.
Okay. Here, I brought you
some clean undies.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, Mommy.
You know, Liam, I was googling
this place on the computer,
and I read that there are spiders
and scorpions everywhere.
And if they get you,
your skin falls off.
There were pictures...
[exclaims]
Yeah. No, I haven't seen any.
[mother] Okay.
So, are you going to
invite your mother inside?
Or do you want her to bake
out here in the sun?
Well, actually, Mommy, um...
Beck's in the shower
right now.
[mother]
Oh, she's in the shower.
[gasps] Liam!
Is she naked in there?
Actually, no.
Probably not.
[mother]
Oh, thank God.
Well, we'll just put the kettle
on and wait for her to finish up.
Actually, Mommy,
the thing is...
Beck isn't really feeling
well right now. So...
Liam, she's sick?
[coughs] She could
be contagious.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, no?
Well, you know who else didn't think
I knew what I was talking about?
Yes, I know, Mommy.
I know.
I'm just gonna stay here, okay,
and take care of her.
But I'll make sure I take
plenty of vitamins.
Oh, you are such
a sweet prince.
How did you get to
be so sweet?
Oh...
My sweet mommy, probably.
I love you my sweet
little peanut boy.
Okay, I love you, too.
- Okay, sweetie.
- Okay.
- Mommy loves you.
- I love you.
- Sweetheart. [kissing]
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Bye, Bye.
I love you. Bye bye.
[sighs]
Okay, let's hear it.
Hear what?
What do you have
against my mother?
What? I don't even
know your mother.
And whose fault is that?
Okay. I just think it's
a little bit weird
that you'd invite her
here today.
- What?
- I mean, I thought we were gonna, I don't know...
hang out together
like we used to.
Not just sit around all day while
you play your stupid Nintendo
and hang out with
your mom.
Okay, first off, you know damn
well that is not a Nintendo.
Okay? And secondly, I'm a
little offended that you...
I'm sorry, I can't understand
what you're saying right now,
because you're gnawing off your
fingers like a fucking psychopath.
You said you thought
that was cool.
Okay. I used to think
jean shorts were cool.
Real nice, Beck.
Real nice.
Can you help me
take this thing off?
Why do you wanna
take it off?
Because it's itchy, and
it's way too tight, and...
I just need
to take it off.
Well, you can't.
What?
Why not?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Liam.
What is this thing?
It's a tracking device.
What did you think it was?
What?
Yeah. How else am I supposed to
know where you are at all times?
Liam, that is insane!
That's, like, beyond insane.
Wait, hold on.
Don't... Okay.
I need to know you're
safe at all times.
Ow! You just made it tighter!
Beck, I'm sorry, okay?
But I can't lose you too.
[slow clap]
Oh! What the fuck
is that?
Nice performance there,
douchebag.
Relax. He's just
a friend of mine.
That's right.
Relax, Liam.
Relax, man!
Let me get up to speed here.
So, uh...
For some reason,
Mr. Clingy with the dead
stripper girlfriend here
is totally hooked on
the Beck sauce. Ow!
And he's upset because you
don't wanna meet his mommy
and wear a tracking
bracelet, right?
Am I right?
Yeah. Well, honestly,
I'm surprised the guy's so jazzed up
on you, considering all your weird,
albeit justified body issues.
Okay, I'm sorry. Who is
this mean little monster?
Oh, who's this mean...
You know, I got your mean
little monster right here.
Oh, gross, man.
Come on!
Just cut it out, guys.
Beck, can I please
see you in the fort?
Alone?
Oh, well, hello.
Hey, Liam.
What the hell's going on?
Beck, I think this will
be really good for us.
Thank you, Liam.
Beck, Liam wishes to unburden
himself of his feelings.
Oh, he does?
This is a safe space.
Why don't you sit down?
I'm sure there's a thing
or two you'd like to say
as well?
I'll sit down.
Liam, you, too.
[Beck sighs]
What's on your mind, Liam?
Well, first,
Dr. Lipschweiss,
let me just say thank you
so much for taking time
out of your very busy schedule
to meet with us.
We really appreciate it.
I recently had
the displeasure
of meeting one of
Beck's friends.
And I have to say that
I am a little uncomfortable
with the nature of
their relationship.
We're doing this?
Okay, we're doing this.
Hi, Dr. Lipschweiss.
Hi.
I think Liam needs
to calm down.
Chippy is just a friend.
And Liam here is acting
like a crazy person.
[Liam] Chippy?
That's the guy that
texted you earlier?
Why is this guy texting you
and then showing up uninvited?
Dr. Lipschweiss, why is
this guy texting her
and then showing up uninvited?
Because, Liam, he's one of
my oldest friends in the world.
That's just his thing.
It's what he does.
He's your oldest
friend in the world?
Is this the same friend that got
you all fucked up in college?
Liam!
Language!
This is a safe space.
Sorry, Dr. Lipschweiss.
Look, I was in
a dark place back then.
Okay?
I am just as much to blame
for that as Chippy.
[sighs] He may seem
a little bit, you know,
rough around the edges,
but honestly,
at least he tells me
the truth.
Okay.
Well, I don't want you
seeing him anymore.
Excuse me?
[Liam] You heard me.
You can't tell me who I
can be friends with.
Really? 'Cause I'm
pretty sure I just did.
Wow. So this is one of those,
like, "It's him or me" things?
Yeah.
Pretty much.
I feel like the choice
should be pretty obvious.
I mean, that guy is
an asshole.
And he's the reason you messed
up your whole fucking life.
Liam!
Safe space.
Sorry, again.
- Wow.
- [Chippy humming]
Oh. Okay.
Sorry, didn't know you guys
were mid-sess.
Man, it looks like you're really
working through some things here.
So?
I'm gonna go on a beer run.
Beck, I know what you like.
Liam, I'll see if they make
wine coolers for you, sport.
Cool, cool, cool. Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah? How about you, toots?
No, thank you, um...
sweetheart.
Well, okay.
[humming]
[footsteps walking away]
[clock ticking]
You know what I think?
I think our time is up.
[whooshes]
I think we made some
good progress here today.
I have a proposal to make you.
Okay, sure.
You trust me?
Yes, Dr. Lipschweiss,
we trust you.
We'll try anything.
Well, that's good.
Liam, I think you
should move out.
- What?
- Sounds good.
Some time apart
will be good for you both.
Mm-hmm. Agreed.
Okay. Well, guess that's it.
[clears throat]
You heard her.
That settles it.
Thank you, Dr...
The session is not over.
Liam, I'll send you
an invoice.
Now this session
is over.
[clock continues ticking]
Uh...
[melancholy music]
[engine roaring]
[crashing]
[sighs in exasperation] Fuck!
[sighs heavily]
[door opens]
[Chippy humming]
[Chippy] Oh, fuck me, man.
[Chippy laughing]
Fuck me!
- [humming cheerfully]
- [bottles clinking]
Huh? What's up, skank?
Didn't go well with
the old lady, huh?
Tough break, chico.
Catch.
I'll put in a good word
for you. Ha!
Yo, what up, baby?
[laughs] Oh, girl, you look...
moderately okay this morning.
Dick.
Ah! Goddamn, it's good.
Fuck, that's good!
[birds chirping]
[video game playing]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
- I...
- I, uh...
[both laugh]
Um...
You go.
I wasn't expecting
to see you.
Right. I was just
in the area...
on my way
to the kitchen.
- Cool.
- So...
- Cool.
- Um...
You look really busy.
Oh. You know what? I needed
to take a break anyway.
- Do you wanna sit?
- Uh...
I probably shouldn't.
I don't know if that's
the best idea.
Right. No...
- You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
- But, um...
- Um...
- So...
- [both chuckle nervously]
- How are you?
- I... I'm good.
I'm really good.
- I'm good.
- Great.
- And you?
- Good. Yeah. Oh, so good.
- Really good.
- Cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's good to hear.
Yeah.
You look really nice.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
I stopped eating.
- You look nice, too.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I started wearing
pants again.
[chuckles] I could tell.
And you changed your hair?
Uh...
I think I just
took my hat off, but...
it's nice you noticed.
- It looks great.
- Thanks.
- So you're still with...
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, got the old
nine to five.
- Cool. And it's...
- Oh, it's great.
- It's great?
- Yeah, better than ever, actually.
Oh.
Yeah. I've got over 2,000
subscribers to my stream now.
Liam, that's incredible.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Really proud of you.
- Yeah. I'm, uh...
[voice choking]
I'm really happy.
What? What is it?
No, I just...
I'm grateful for
all of my success.
Don't get me wrong, but...
What is it if I can't
share it with you?
Liam, no, this is not
a good time.
Please don't do this
right now.
Beck, since we've been apart, I've
had some time to think, and...
I think we should
give it another chance.
I don't know, Liam.
[sighs] I don't know.
[Chippy] Beck, let's go.
[Beck] Oh, God.
I have to go.
No, stay, stay.
I can't.
Liam, I...
I think Dr. Lipschweiss
was right.
I think that we need
some time apart.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, too.
[Chippy] Seriously,
let's fucking go!
Yeah.
[sighs deeply]
Hey, thanks for, um,
cleaning the place up.
It means a lot to me.
I didn't wanna get charged
extra cleaning fee.
That's so sweet.
[sighs]
[Chippy] Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
Those are both for me,
obviously!
You think you can
afford to eat that?
Huh, cankles?
Why don't you feed yourself
some ice cubes
if you're hungry, huh?
You're packing on, mate.
What are you crying about,
huh, saddlebags?
Huh? Fatty? Huh?
[Chippy continues indistinctly]
Okay, I can't take
any more of this.
Liam, what are you
doing here?
Whoa! Look whose
balls dropped!
Oh, fuck you, Chippy.
- Fuck me? Fuck you.
- Fuck you, man.
- Guys, just stop it.
- Oh, shut up, Beck.
Okay, this guy is
a miserable fucking asshole.
Whoa!
What he wants is for you two to be
miserable fucking assholes together.
Liam, you're wrong.
Chippy is my friend.
Yeah, Liam, I'm her friend,
and who the fuck are you?
I love her.
Okay? I actually
care about her.
Oh, please!
You know how this is
gonna go, don't you, Beck?
Huh? He's gonna
wear you down,
and smother you until
you eventually give in.
And as soon as you do,
he'll get bored.
He'll leave you all alone,
just like your mother.
[Liam] Hey, that is not true.
That is not true, Beck, okay?
Look...
I love you.
[Chippy]
Oh, cut it out!
You don't love her, man.
You just settled for her,
'cause you lost your ex.
Now you're smothering
the shit out her.
You're probably gonna lose
your consolation prize too.
He's right, Liam.
How am I ever gonna compete
with your dead ex-girlfriend?
Well, Beck, um...
I mean, you called me "Eden".
You said,
"I love you, too, Eden."
How do you think
that made me feel?
You obviously still
love her.
And smothering me in this fake
love isn't gonna bring her back.
Right. Yeah, um...
When I said she was dead...
Yeah?
Well, you know how, like,
people say things sometimes
that in the moment,
they kind of
- get all...
- Oh, my God.
Liam, is Eden not dead?
Ooh! Fuck me!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Beck, let me explain.
Oh, what a twist.
I did not see this coming.
I meant figuratively.
You know?
Like, she's dead to me.
Like, I'm so over her,
she might as well be dead.
Liam, that's sick.
That's what a fucking
sick person does.
[Chippy]
Oh, my God.
- Beck, please.
- No.
Okay, I love you. I wouldn't
say anything to hurt you.
No. I don't even know
who you are right now.
Oh, my God! This is one of the
greatest things I've ever seen.
Shut the fuck up, Chippy!
[yelling]
[both yelling]
[Beck] Oh, God!
- Chippy, don't!
- Move, bitch.
[Liam] Ow!
Chippy, don't!
[screaming]
All right, stop it. The
both of you, just stop!
[Chippy] Shut up,
you little dick.
No, that is it.
I am done!
Beck, please.
Okay? I love you.
All right?
I need you.
You're perfect.
[scoffs] You're not perfect
by a long shot.
You need me.
I won't lie to you.
Don't fucking talk
to her like that, man.
Ah, she needs to hear it.
That's it.
I am done.
Okay? I don't need
either one of you.
- Beck.
- Beck...
I don't need you, Liam.
And I don't need you,
Chippy.
What?
No!
[coughing]
Chippy?
[continues coughing]
Chippy!
What's going on?
Chippy!
You said that...
You said the words.
What? What words?
"I don't need you, Chippy."
Oh, Chippy, I take them back.
I take them back.
[gasping for breath]
- Oh, Chippy, no!
- [squeaking]
[Chippy gasps]
Your breath...
is terrible.
[groans]
[sobbing]
Chippy...
- My Chippy.
- It's okay.
You're better off
without him.
You don't need him.
Okay? It'll just
be us now.
No.
No, it's over.
Beck...
Uh-huh. It has to be.
Because of that guy?
Cut it off, Liam.
Beck...
Cut... it... off.
Now.
[exhales]
[somber music]
[Beck sobbing]
Oh, Chippy.
My Chippy boy!
[car door slams shut]
[car engine starts]
I love you, Chippy.
[solemn music playing]
[knock on door]
Hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
[Sara] Ooh. I like what
you've done with the place.
Thanks.
I figured it was time I
started living like an adult.
Yeah. Officially move into
your friend's guesthouse
after just squatting there
for free for two years.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come a long way, huh?
Aw, Lili...
You guys, I'm gonna
die alone.
No, you're not.
- You've got us.
- I'm serious.
I really liked this girl.
Like, a lot.
And I fucked it up.
But it's Eden, you know.
She got in my head.
She made me crazy.
No, man.
You gotta stop it with that.
What?
You didn't become this
because of her.
You were always this way.
- Buddy...
- No, Sara. We can't keep doing this.
Look, Liam, this is an
important moment in your life.
And I'm really sorry, but,
I love you, man, and
I'm gonna have to get
real with you right now.
- Okay?
- Are you... Are you gonna hit me?
What? No, I'm not gonna...
You didn't lose Eden.
You sort of
pushed her away
by acting like a psycho
all the time.
- What?
- I'm serious.
Like, you remember the time
you hid in her trunk
when she was just trying
to go to the dentist?
Yeah. Well, sure. I wanted to
make sure she got there safe.
Do you remember that other
time you ran down the street
chasing her because
she went on a run
and she forgot to say,
"I love you too"?
"Chase" is like
an aggressive word.
I feel like it's more like
I followed her at a distance.
[Sara] No, still... Bad.
Sounds bad.
It's not your fault that
Eden cheated on you.
But she did try to break up with you
like a good half a dozen times, man,
and you just didn't
let her.
You know, and I don't condone
what she did, but,
you made it tough for her
to be your girlfriend.
Yeah, you were kind of
a stalker type.
Actually, you are.
'Cause you stalk me sometimes.
Not like in a sexual way.
Okay, look...
When you love something, Liam,
you tend to Lenny it.
I "Lenny it"?
You know, it's like...
[mimicking] "I like petting
soft things, George."
"Oh, Go... Oh, God!"
Jesus, Buddy!
Too far.
Okay, so...
If it's not Eden,
then why am I like this?
- Your mom.
- It's your mom.
My mom.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I should have
put that together.
I'm sorry that I had
to say all that stuff.
But I really care about you,
and I hope that it was helpful.
I... I appreciate that.
I care about you
too, big guy.
Thanks.
You're a good man.
- Such a good friend.
- You make me a good man.
I do? Me?
Gross. All right.
I'm out of here.
- Where are you going?
- Out. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go out.
All right.
See you later. Keep...
- Do you wanna have sex in his bed?
- Obviously.
Oh, my God.
I wanna fuck your dragon.
[Franklin] No, I don't like
the noodles there.
No, that delivery man
scares me.
Uh, no.
I don't want that.
I don't know, Bobby,
just fucking pick something.
Whatever!
I am so sorry...
that I yelled.
Aw, I love you, boo.
[giggling]
Oh, yeah.
Oh. Okay. Bye, bye.
So you're a crazy person.
Yeah, definitely.
How does Bobby
put up with that?
It's been seven years.
I let my crazy out in
such a slow trip,
he didn't even know
it was happening.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[both] Muah!
- Love you.
- Love you!
[laughs] Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- [both laugh awkwardly]
Hey.
Hi. [laughs]
I just, um...
[Beck] Yeah.
I'm sorry I'm weird
and fucked up.
Um...
Me, too.
For my weird and
fucked-up-ness.
Uh...
Are you hungry?
Starving.
[gentle music]
All right.
You ready?
- Cheers?
- Cheers.
- Whoa. Are you kidding me?
- What?
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't let you eat that.
What? Why?
- Look at this.
- Yeah?
What do you call this?
It's a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
Okay, I hate to be
the one to tell you this,
but that bite right there
is going to be a disaster.
All right. Fair, fair. But I
was like rushing, you know.
So don't make me judge my peanut
butter and jelly making skills.
You cannot rush a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.
You were done, you know.
I wanted to get done,
so we could be done together.
Aw. That's very nice.
But, no, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to
spread that shit out.
- Right now?
- It's cool. I'll wait.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you
for obliging.
Thank you.
All right.
It's kind of a mess.
I'm just gonna do that.
- It's gonna be better.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Good?
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Better?
- Very good.
- Cheers?
- Cheers.
Okay, it is better.
See? I know a thing or two.
["All My Life" playing]
Ooh
[woman]
Last song of the night.
[man] We're gonna hit you
with some sweetness.
[woman]
Can you feel that?
[man] Mm.
[woman] This one's for
all of you lovers out there.
[man] Here we go,
here we go, here we go.
I will never find
Another lover
Sweeter than you
Sweeter than you
And I will never find
Another lover
More precious than you
More precious than you
Girl, you are close to me
You're like my mother
Close to me
You're like my father
Close to me
You're like my sister
Close to me
You're like my brother
Brother, brother
You are the only one
My everything
And for you
This song I sing
And all my life I've prayed
for Someone like you
[woman] That's right.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
[man] Hit you with that
falsetto, girl.
Yes, I pray that
You do love me, too
I said you're all that
I'm thinking of
Ooh, I sound good
Said
I promise to never
Fall in love with a stranger
You're all I'm thinking of
I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love
I cherish every hug
I really love you
And all my life, baby, baby
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally
Found you, baby
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile, on my face
All I see is a glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up
When I was down
You're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
Say you're all that
I've ever known
When you smile
My face glows
You picked me up
When I was down
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me too
All my life, I've prayed
For someone like you
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
And I hope that you
Feel the same way, too
And all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
[man] Yes, you.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me, too
All my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
[man]
This is where we get quiet.
And I thank God that I
That I finally found you
Well, all my life
I've prayed for
Someone like you
Yes, I pray that you
Do love me, too
[thunder crashing]