The Road Dog (2023) Movie Script

[light music playing]
[projector clicking]
[dramatic music playing]
[melancholy music playing]
[bus door squeaks open]
[bus driver] End of the line.
[Stephanie] Are you
the comedian?
And who might you be?
Oh, uh, I'm Stephanie
from Ha Ha's.
My uncle Phil sent me
to pick you up.
-[Stephanie] I don't think
you're supposed to do that.
-Do what?
Have open liquor while driving!
I'm not driving.
-[Stephanie] Here we are.
-[Jimmy] What happened
to the Holiday Inn?
[Stephanie] My uncle
got a better deal here.
Just tell them
you're the comedian.
The-- the show is at 8:00.
Should I pick you up at 7:00?
-[Jimmy] Fifty.
-[Stephanie] It takes
ten minutes to get there.
[Jimmy] Exactly.
[MC] Are you ready
for your headliner?
-[audience applause]
Now, it's a real pleasure
for me to introduce this man.
Real legend.
Please welcome
the Road Dog himself:
Jimmy Quinn!
Hey, keep it going for, uh...
a truly insignificant comedian
whose name escapes me.
[laughter, applause]
My name is Jimmy,
and I'm an alcoholic.
Wrong room?
[mild laughter]
[melancholy music playing]
[knocking on door]
Go away!
I don't need any towels.
[knocking continues]
No moleste.
[man] I'm not the maid!
God damn it.
What the fuck do you want?
I'm your son.
[Jimmy gagging, coughing]
[lighter flicks]
One more time.
I-- I'm your son, David.
Fair enough.
What can I do for you?
Well, you know,
I-- I just want to meet you.
All right.
Can I take you to lunch?
It's a little early for lunch.
It's three in the afternoon.
All right.
Just give me a minute.
Okay, yeah.
I'll just, uh, just...
[door slams]
...wait out here.
So, uh, you hungry?
I'm not really a big eater.
Right, yeah.
I'm sorry, kid.
You got to understand,
this is a lot to process.
I'm sure I'm not
what you expected.
Actually, you're exactly
what I expected.
Uh, my mom was
very descriptive of you.
Yeah? So how's she?
She's good.
Still married
to that plastic surgeon?
Yeah. Almost 20 years.
Well, good for her.
She deserves it.
Even if she is
a giant sack of nag.
Sorry. I shouldn't talk bad
about your mother like that,
she and I
didn't really get along.
Yeah, she doesn't have good
things to say about you either.
Y'all ready to order?
Yeah, I'll have the,
uh, club sandwich.
All right. And yourself?
Uh, the...
"Breakfast-ival Plate"?
I'm sorry, darlin', but we stop
serving breakfast at 11:00.
Really? After you made me say
All right, I'll just have
whatever the kid's having.
-All right, two clubs.
Anything to drink?
-Um, just water.
Yeah, uh, do you serve beer?
[laughing] No, sir.
Would you like water?
[scoffing] Water. Yeah.
-I'll give it a shot.
-[waitress] All right.
I'll be right back.
It's a little early in
the morning to hear that voice.
how'd you find me?
I, like, looked you up online.
You know, the club
had a website.
I just went over there,
and they told me where you were.
Again, I'm sorry, but...
I don't know
the slightest thing about you.
I haven't seen you
since you were a little kid.
Yeah, I-- I have
no memory of you at all.
-That's exact--
that's what I'm saying.
-Okay, well, okay.
I didn't come here
to give you shit, okay?
I really did just
want to meet you.
And I was on my way to New York.
You're on the way.
So I thought, why not?
New York? What's out there?
Well, I actually
want to be a comedian.
Yeah, I was going to crash
on a friend's couch
until I find a place.
Are you funny?
I mean, I do open mics
for a couple of years,
and I won
a contest at my school.
Then you must be hilarious.
Yeah, I was in medical school,
until I dropped out last week.
Why would you do that?
Well, I told you.
I want to be comedian.
Maybe it's genetic.
I don't know.
What's your mother
think about all this?
As long as she doesn't know
I dropped out of school,
we're good.
-There you go.
-Ah, thank you.
And I'm just gonna
leave this right here.
Let me know
if you need anything else.
All right, thanks.
So you have any plans for today?
Guess at some point I better
start working on my set.
I was thinking maybe
I'd come see your show tonight,
if that's okay. I got a spot
at the Holiday Inn. Um...
Pick you up, say, before 8:00?
All right, cool.
No, I got this.
-[audience laughter]
...taught by years and pounds.
Trade this thing in.
-[audience laughter]
-I just...
Your old man's
pretty funny, huh?
Oh, yeah.
I've been booking Jimmy
20 years now.
I have seen 'em all,
and he is one of the best.
Two women walked out of the show
and complained to the manager
that I was drunk on stage.
I mean,
I'm not driving a bus,
-I'm a comedian.
-[audience laughs, claps]
The jokes are coming out.
I'm saying the same words
as if I was sober.
Too bad the business
ain't what it used to be.
Never told me he had a kid.
Folks, don't take any of this
stuff too seriously 'cause
I don't know
if anyone ever told you,
spoiler alert,
You die in the end.
So, don't take any shit.
Have a great night.
[audience clapping, cheering]
[MC] Thank you.
Jimmy Quinn, everybody.
Hey, that was awesome!
Like, the way you
worked the crowd.
It wasn't even like you were
telling jokes, but still funny.
Thanks, kid.
Hey, uh, I want-- [coughs]
I want to talk to you
about this little
-New York adventure
you're gonna do.
What do you say we, uh,
spend a little bit more
time together?
Yeah, what do you mean?
Well, I got a gig
coming up in South Bend,
and I thought maybe
you'd tag along,
show you the ropes,
maybe get you some stage time.
Oh, man, well,
I don't have to be in New York
at any specific time, so...
All right, then it's on.
We'll have some goofs.
I'll show you what
the road's really like.
-Great. Yeah, that'll be fun.
-All right, hang out here.
-I gotta get paid from Phil.
-All right, cool.
You got a nice kid there.
Certainly thinks highly of you.
Yeah. He doesn't know me
that well, Phil.
How you feeling, Jimmy?
I'm surviving.
You-- you look
a little worn out.
I'm a road comic. I am worn out.
So what's the take?
It's 500.
Of course we have your bar tab,
which I knocked down
to an even 100.
And there's the 20
you borrowed from my niece.
That brings it to 380.
I made more as an opener
30 years ago.
Listen, Jimmy, I...
I'm afraid I...
can't give you any...
more dates.
We're closing
at the end of the month.
Comedy's just not cutting it
any more and I...
I got an offer on the place.
They want to turn it
into a friggin' sports bar
or something.
I just couldn't say no.
Well, another one
bites the dust.
I don't know what to say,
but, you know,
thanks for all the years, Phil.
And listen, Jimmy,
you take care of yourself, huh?
-I'll try.
[optimistic music playing]
All right, off to South Bend?
Let's do it.
I had a thought.
Know where we can
score any ketamine?
-I'm just fucking with you.
-[David chuckles]
No, I was thinking, uh,
we have a few days
before South Bend, do you...
-want to take a little detour?
-Yeah, where?
I want to show you the first
place I ever did stand-up.
It's just outside of Chicago.
I can chuck you some gas money.
Maybe get a motel for us.
Oh, you're fine.
I got my mom's credit cards.
Fuck it, then.
We'll get the penthouse suite.
[liquid splashing in bottle]
Oh, you're starting early, huh?
[Jimmy] It's my day off.
Sure beats the hell
out of the bus.
Yeah, I bet.
You know, I was wondering,
uh, how come you never
made it on TV?
You know, like, I think
you're way funnier than a lot
of those guys that made it big.
That shit you see on TV
isn't real comedy.
Real comedy's live.
You know, in the moment.
If shit goes wrong,
people yell shit out,
you roll with it.
Anything can happen.
Stuff you see on TV
is all pre-scripted.
You have to do it
the way they want you to do it.
Yeah, but you know,
you're still doing your act
and you can be seen
by more people.
That's gotta help with, you
know, bookings and money, right?
You want money,
you stay in med school.
You don't get into comedy
for money.
And if you really
want to do this,
you have to make a decision.
Do you-- do you want to be some
shiny game show host comic
on TV,
or do you want to be a real
legitimate, great stand-up?
There's guys on TV
who are funny.
Name two.
I haven't had a day job
in over 30 years.
I go on that stage,
I'm the talent,
I'm the writer,
I'm the director.
I go up, I work an hour a night
with a cocktail in my hand.
And if the customer
doesn't like it,
I tell the customer
to go fuck himself.
Top that for a living.
This is where you started?
That's where--
where it used to be.
It was a little hole in the wall
called The Purple Fox.
It wasn't much, but, uh...
basically where my life
got started.
Well, how'd you start here?
I thought you grew up in Boston.
I left early.
I left when I was 17,
joined the Navy.
Came out here for boot camp.
Lasted for about six weeks,
and they had enough of me,
so then I just bummed around.
Got a job here as a fry cook
at The Fox, and...
we started doing stand-up.
Comedy night turned into
five nights a week
and I'd just sit in the back
stoned and watch comics going,
"I could do this shit."
What was your first time like?
First night was, uh,
it was Labor Day weekend,
so the place is packed.
And I was terrified.
I just hammered shots
to loosen up.
And I went on stage.
And I had nothing.
And I was dying.
And I made the classic mistake
that comics make.
And I asked the audience,
"Hey, what do you guys
wanna talk about?"
And some beautiful asshole
in the back yells out,
-"Talk about sex!"
-[David chuckles]
And I said the first thing
that went through my head,
I said, "Your parents
shouldn't have had any!"
It wasn't genius, but it killed.
So after that I was hooked.
There ought to be a plaque here.
A lot of funny comics
started here.
Like who?
Uh, Emo Philips.
Uh, Larry Reeb.
Paul Kelly.
Will Richards.
Will Richards?
He started here?
Yeah, he was my opening act.
I give him his start.
Yeah, really.
There's an open mic
in the city tonight
I'm gonna go perform at.
You wanna come with?
Maybe even do a set?
I'm just gonna sprawl out here
and work on some material,
But you go ahead.
All right.
Well, let me know
if you change your mind.
I can come back and get you.
Just give me a call.
I got everything
I need right here, but...
have fun.
[pensive music playing]
You're a fucking idiot.
[mirror shattering]
Um, room 249.
Right, that was a--
a non-smoking room?
Uh, yeah.
You might find there's a
little problem with the mirror.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What was the problem?
Uh, just like
a slight crack in it.
Um, how did that happen?
I just look terrible
in the morning.
-I-- I doubt that.
-[uncomfortable laughter]
So is, uh...
is that gonna cost
a lot of money,
I am sure it was like that
when you checked in.
[relieved laughter] Yeah.
You are all set. Um...
please come back
and see us soon.
Thanks. I hope to.
Nicely done.
So I, uh, got up
at that open mic last night.
-Yeah, I wish
you could've been there.
So, uh, who was that
with you in that picture?
Oh, that was just, uh,
just a girl.
Nosy feller, aren't ya?
Well, you guys
look really happy.
Was it, you know, serious?
Define "happy."
But, uh, that was
a long time ago.
Well... [chuckles] don't
wanna talk about the picture.
That's-- that's fine.
Did it have anything to do
with the broken mirror?
[phone buzzing]
-Who is it?
It's Mom.
Hey, Mom.
Yeah, here just studying.
Uh, in my dorm room, you know?
-Where else would I be?
-Oh, yeah? Really?
Because I just left
your dorm room,
and unless you're napping
in the mini fridge,
I didn't see you.
As a matter of fact,
your roommate, Rajesh told me
you dropped out of school.
Do you mind telling me
where you are?
And just what the hell
is going on?
[nervous chuckle]
Uh, well, you know what?
Yeah. Yeah, I did drop out
of school to become a comedian.
And, in fact, I'm here right now
with someone you may know.
-Your ex, my dad, Jimmy.
In fact, we're right--
right now we're on our way
to South Bend
where Jimmy's
performing tonight.
Put him on the phone
this second!
Um, she's really excited
to talk to you.
Oh, joy.
[exhales deeply]
Hello, Denise. How you been?
I don't know what you
think you're doing,
but you send him back
this instant.
Hey, I-- I had nothing
to do with this.
-He showed up at my door--
-Shut up!
Do you honestly think I'm gonna
let you drag him down
into the gutter
and be a loser like you
for the rest of his life?
He's a big boy, Denise.
He can make his own decision.
I should've known you had
something to do with this!
You bring nothing
but destruction
to everything you touch!
Well, you're not
gonna ruin his life
any more than you already have.
All right, Denise, it was
a pleasure talking to you.
I'm gonna turn you
back over to David now.
But we should--
we should talk again real soon.
Bye-bye now.
Hey, Mom?
Mom, yeah.
Yeah-- 'Kay-- Calm down, Mom.
You know I wanna do this, okay?
You know I wanna be a comedian.
And I wanna spend some time
with Jimmy. You know,
-just learn from him.
-Learn from him?
Mom, come on! You know-- you
know I wanna do this. Come on.
Let me tell you something
about this man.
I know him.
You don't.
He only cares about himself.
If you get close to him,
you're going to wind up hurt--
Okay, Mom?
I'm gonna call you back when
you get a chance to calm down.
But you gotta understand,
I'm gonna be a comedian.
This is what I'm doing. There's
nothing you can do about it.
Okay? I love you. Bye.
Okay, well, uh...
I think that went well.
"And there's nothing
you can do about it!"
-That was a power move.
-[David chuckles]
Yeah, and she'll
come around, you know.
You know, I never found out
how you two met.
Oh, your mother.
Yeah, she, uh...
she used to work out of
a brothel on the South Side.
Mostly like, fetish stuff.
She was, you know,
S&M, water sports,
ass play.
Yeah, discount.
-I'm fucking with you.
-[David chuckles]
She was a-- she was a waitress
at a comedy club.
Mom was a waitress?
-She never told you that?
No. I mean, she's married
to a surgeon, so...
She was a waitress
and we'd hook up
when I came to town
and fool around.
And long story short, one day
she called me up and, uh,
said she was in
the "family way," as she put it.
And, uh,
so I just jumped the gun
and married her.
Probably mostly
for the story value, but, uh,
it didn't work out.
She, uh...
gave it a shot.
How long were you guys together?
A while. Like...
two, three months.
She got tired of my shit
pretty quick and, uh,
told me to beat feet.
That's all right. We weren't--
we didn't really see
eye to eye on a lot of stuff.
And honestly, monogamy was
never really my strong suit,
and chicks tend to frown
on that.
I'm still trying to picture
Mom as a waitress.
[waiter] I'm sorry.
The card was declined.
Oh, it must be a mistake.
Can you run it again?
[waiter] I already
tried it twice.
I guess there was something
your mother could do about it.
We'll be paying cash.
-[Jay] Oh!
There he is,
the Road Dog himself.
-How you doing, Jay?
-Hanging in there.
Things ain't what
they used to be.
Hey, this, uh, this is David.
This is, uh... my boy.
I'm his father,
if you can believe that.
In sperm only.
[Jay] Get outta here.
Well, wonders never cease.
-Good to meet you, kid.
-Nice to meet you, man.
[Mikey] Jimmy!
-Holy shit. Mikey,
what are you doing here?
-How you doing?
-Oh, my God.
Are you on the show?
-I'm MCing.
I heard you were coming to town.
I forced Jay to put me on it.
-[Mikey] Yeah.
God, it's... what, 17 years?
-[Mikey] Yeah, 17 years.
-How you doing?
You know, I'm, uh,
I'm-- I'm still here.
-A lot of guys can't say that.
-That's true.
Uh, this is David.
This is my son.
[Mikey] David?
No, the kid from the waitress?
No. He's too old!
[Jimmy] Time flies. That's him.
Whoa! Nice to meet you.
-How you doing?
-Nice to meet you, man.
Me and your dad, we go way back.
-Let's catch up later.
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
Yeah. Let me, uh--
let me get your intro.
What do you want me to say?
I got your intro.
Yeah, he's funny, huh?
Yeah. Just wait.
Uh, so I'm dating
this girl named Wendy.
And I'm trying to slip her
the Whopper, and she's like,
"Where's the beef?"
"Where's the beef?"
Remember? Uh, by the way,
I'll be selling these
after the show: $15.
Uh, only got a few left.
You ready for your headliner?
-[audience applause]
-All right,
let's get some energy
going here.
This next guy
coming on the stage,
you're all here to see him.
He's The Road Dog.
He's been doing it
for over 30 years.
Please welcome my good friend,
Jimmy Quinn!
Keep it going for Mikey, people!
Come on!
Give it up!
-He should.
-[audience laughter]
[Mikey] I've been
busting my balls, Jimmy.
Single-handedly keeping
"where's the beef?" jokes alive
-into the new millennium.
-[audience laughter]
Your act has fallen
and it can't get up.
[audience laughter]
Anyway, my name is Jimmy,
and I'm an alcoholic.
Jimmy, you're still the best.
-Aw, thanks, Mikey.
You staying at the, uh, condo?
-No, no. I, uh, I live here now.
So-- But I'll swing by,
we can shoot the shit.
-Sounds great.
See you over there.
-Okay. See you over there.
See ya, man.
-Good show.
Hey, Jimmy, don't forget
about the church show tomorrow.
-Oh, come on.
We talked about this.
I got you a church gig tomorrow.
It's an extra 250.
You just got to keep it clean.
-I didn't agree
to any church show.
-What are you talking about?
On the phone last week,
you said you were fine with it.
I have zero recollection
of that conversation.
you only gotta do 20 minutes.
You get in, you get out.
See Pastor Bennett when you're
done. He'll pay you after.
Keep it clean. Good show.
[jazz music playing]
You remember
Hot Springs, Arkansas?
No, not really.
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
It was a convention.
It was like Avon or Mary Kay.
It was a bunch of
overly made-up housewives
without their husbands.
Shit shows, but...
I got laid every night
that week.
-[Jimmy chuckles]
-Those were the days, man.
Those were the days.
Remember Joey Simpson?
Was that the dude
with the balloons?
Right, right.
That's the guy. Dead.
You know who else died is,
uh, Fat Mike.
-Oh, shit.
Ricky Conner.
Diane Alaimo.
-Bob Thomas.
-Bob Thomas.
-Jimmy Higgins.
-Jimmy Higgins.
-[Mikey] Yeah.
-They're just gone.
They're just all gone.
-There's some food in
the fridge that comic left.
-Did you guys want so--
-[both] No, no, no, no, no.
-[Jimmy, Mikey chuckle]
-That's the first, uh,
rule of the comedy condo,
is you don't touch anything
that comics left behind.
They tend to get creative.
Especially with the mayonnaise.
I remember being
in this condo in the nineties.
I don't think they've
changed a single thing.
Man, if these walls
could talk, Jimmy?
If these walls could talk,
they'd be testifying
in court a lot.
[Jimmy, Mikey laugh]
Your dad was the best
to do hell gigs with.
He would rip the crowd apart.
I remember this one time
in, uh, Andover, Mass.
Remember Andover, Mass?
-What happened there?
Your dad's on stage
tripping balls on ecstasy,
and he's talking about it.
And this chick stands up
and she goes, "That's not funny!
My sister died on ecstasy."
Whole crowd goes chill.
Nobody says anything.
And then without missing a beat,
your dad goes,
"Oh, then she must be
as horny as I am right now.
Let's dig her up and fuck her!"
Jesus! You said that?
Oh, no. That was The Early Show.
The Late Show,
now, I'm on stage,
-and the chick's husband--
Remember this?
The husband walks up on stage
and slaps me across the face.
He hits the wrong guy.
He goes, "You don't
talk about my wife's sister!"
But you know what?
I was proud
to take a punch for your dad.
That's funny, man.
Man, those were the days.
Mikey, you gotta stop
living in the past.
No, man.
Those were the great times.
Clubs were packed.
I was booked 52 weeks a year.
I was getting laid
52 weeks a year.
I was making more money
at 21 than I am now.
Do you know that this summer,
completely wide open.
I had to take a job
driving a limo
just so I don't starve to death.
Man, I wish somebody
would build a time machine
-and take me back to those days.
-[Jimmy] Mm-hmm.
Hey, what ever happened
to Laura?
Weren't you guys
supposed to get married?
Yeah, that didn't really
come together.
Well, sorry to hear that.
I really liked her.
You guys were a good couple.
So, who else
do you still talk to?
I don't know.
It's like you said,
there's not a lot of guys
from the old days still around.
What about Ross Daniels?
You hear he's--
he's booking the night show?
Yeah, heard something
about that.
You guys were tight.
-[Mikey] Oh, yeah.
They were good friends.
You know, I sent that guy
a tape a while ago.
-Never got back to me.
-Maybe it's still
stuck in his VCR.
You know you could call him.
Maybe you could, uh,
say something about me.
I don't do that, Mikey.
And, uh, besides, I don't think
it's do a lot of good.
If you remember correctly,
the last time I saw him,
I broke his nose.
Well, how did that happen?
Oh, my memory's
a little foggy on that.
It might have had something to
do with me banging his fiance.
[Mikey] Yes, his fiance. Yeah.
Well, listen, man,
this has been great, but, uh,
I gotta pick a guy up
at the airport
in, like, an hour.
I'll walk you to the door.
It's great meeting you, man.
[Mikey] Yeah, good meeting
you, man. Really.
-Welcome to the...
whatever world this is.
It's really good
to see ya again, Mike.
Take care of yourself.
Yeah, you too, Jimmy.
See you soon, old pal.
Sure, Mikey.
-He's gone, right?
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
I feel bad for that guy.
He's just, he seems sad.
Well, that's the business.
What are you gonna do?
He's not very funny, is he?
Mikey's a nice guy, but it's
supply and demand, you know?
Back in the day,
any guy who could go on stage
and do, you know,
20 minutes of fart sounds
could make a living.
Now, so many clubs
are closing that...
it doesn't really matter
how nice a guy you are
if you don't respect the art.
Yeah. Well, we should talk about
what we're doing next weekend,
'cause, you know,
I gotta get to New York, so...
New York?
How are you gonna go to New York
before you've seen the
bright lights of Indianapolis?
[laughs] You want me to take you
to Indianapolis? Is that--
[Jimmy] If you wanted to.
All right, sure.
Yeah, I'll take you
to Indianapolis. Sure.
Well, you should
get some sleep, though.
You've got that
church gig tomorrow.
Yeah, go to bed.
I'm gonna stay up a while.
All right.
Good night.
[melancholy music playing]
Wake up, Jimmy.
Jimmy, you gotta wake up now.
-You have--
you got a show to do,
You got that church show.
-Fucking church.
Well, we got--
we gotta be there at 11,
so let's get going.
[Jimmy grunts]
[David] All right.
You really need to do that?
It's part of my process.
Hey, there.
Are you, Jimmy?
-Uh, no. That's Jimmy.
-[phlegmy cough]
[Jimmy] Hey, uh,
how much time you need?
Oh, gosh. Uh, 20 minutes?
But just remember to keep it
squeaky clean.
I've been told.
[pastor] And finally,
let's offer a prayer
for the Anderson family
who perished in the Fenwick fire
earlier this week.
Let us bow our heads.
We've got a little treat for ya.
We have a comedian.
He's gonna entertain us all,
so get ready to laugh.
Please welcome, Jimmy Quinn.
[Jimmy] Ugh,
Wow, this is fun.
God, I haven't been
in a church for so long.
If I burst into flames
uh, remember,
the fire exits are located here
-and here.
-[audience laughter]
Comedy canard.
A little nervous 'cause, uh,
I know what you did
to your last headlining act.
-[audience chuckles]
-Tough crowd, huh, J.C.?
It's what happens to you
when you're not funny.
Jesus died for your sins.
I'm dying up here for 250 bucks.
[audience laughter]
And why would you die
for someone's sins?
It doesn't make any sense.
When you think about it,
your sins are the only
interesting thing
about you sorry dullards.
You're gonna go to confession.
You should be trying to
one up your-- your sins.
Hey, you think that's bad,
Wait till you hear
what I do next week.
And speaking of sin,
isn't it basically 90%
of every war
that's ever been fought because
of one of your stupid religions?
You never turn on the news
and hear, "200 killed today
when atheist rebels
took heavy shelling
from the agnostic
stronghold in the North."
No, it's your dumb religions
and I'm--
I'm not trying to bag on you.
I mean, I envy that
you have a belief system.
I've tried it.
It didn't work for me.
It didn't make sense.
How do you... justify,
how do you explain to
an eight year old child,
who'd just lost his mother
in a horrific fashion,
that it's part
of some divine plan?
How do you say,
"Oh-- Oh, no. No, Jimmy,
Mommy's not with us anymore.
No. See, God decided
he loved Mommy so much
he wanted her right there
in heaven with him.
So he sent her careening
through a car windshield
at 65 miles an hour.
Such an impact
it tore most of the flesh
off her skull--"
[pastor] All right,
thank you very much, Mr. Quinn!
-[Jimmy] I wasn't done!
-[pastor] Oh, you are now.
How about a nice
round of applause, everyone?
[scattered applause]
Okay, let's turn
to first Psalms.
[door knocking]
Mr. Quinn, can I help you?
Yeah, I came to get my money.
[snickers] You don't think
we're really going to
pay you for that filth?
What are you talking about?
I was on a roll up there,
-and you cut me off.
-When I hired a comedian,
I was expecting
something uplifting.
You provided
something different.
I'm afraid you won't be
receiving any money,
but I will pray for you.
First of all, this is bullshit
'cause I did not swear
one time on that goddamn stage
and I can't buy booze
with prayers.
Have a blessed day, Mr. Quinn.
Bless you with
a shoe in your ass!
[door slams]
[upbeat music playing]
So what happened?
Are you-- did you get paid?
Well, evidently, uh,
my brand of "clean" wasn't
squeaky enough for them.
Well, yeah, technically,
you were clean.
They-- they didn't pay you?
Well, I sort of paid myself.
[laughs] Oh, come on.
You can't steal from a church,
Jimmy. Come on.
They tried to rip me off.
I ripped them off.
Eye for an eye.
It's in the Bible.
Tell this car to find us
a pawnshop somewhere.
[car starts]
[bowling pins falling]
Sorry guys.
I'm gonna call it.
It's 8:15. I got two people.
Sorry, Jimmy.
Don't sweat it.
This kind of shit happens.
I guess all the comedy fans are
over at the Will Richards Show.
Catch you next time?
I'm gonna head
over there myself.
I got a buddy that
works over there.
-Well, can we come with?
-[Spike] Sure.
How about you
drop me at the hotel?
[David] Come on, you don't
wanna see Will's act?
I think I'd rather be
catheterized with a garden hose.
Okay, well,
just come watch, like,
and you tell me everything
that's wrong with it.
That I can do.
[audience applause and cheering]
[Will] Sit-- sit down,
sit down, stop it, stop it.
Stop it. Y'all too much.
Thank you, Indianapolis.
Thank you so much
for coming out for this.
This is-- this is amazing.
I would love to stay to
keep performing for y'all,
but as Matilda would say,
-"Child, I'm tired!"
-I'm tired!
[roaring applause, cheering]
[audience member]
We love you, Will!
Man, that was awesome!
Jesus, I remember
half of those bits
-from his open mic days.
-Yeah, well,
you gotta admit, though,
he's got great energy,
he's got really good
stage presence.
Yeah, so do televangelists.
[Spike] Guys, guys!
I just talked to my buddy.
We're going backstage!
Hi, I'm Angie,
Mr. Richard's assistant.
Which one of you is Jimmy Quinn?
-Oh, he is.
-Follow me.
-Let's go!
[liquid pouring]
[Angie] Mr. Richards?
I have Mr. Quinn
and his party to see you.
Oh, come on.
Bring it in. Bring it in.
[chuckles] Come on.
Come on, baby.
Come on. Get in here.
Oh, Jimmy fucking Quinn!
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming, man?
I would've got you tickets.
Did you see the show?
What'd you think?
You're never funnier.
Oh, thanks.
Who are these guys?
That one's, uh, David.
That's my son.
Oh, shit. This is David?
Do you know I was on the road
with your father
the night you were born?
Wow. Time flies, man.
Put it there.
Great to meet you, man.
I'm a big fan.
My name's Spike.
So, Jimmy, man,
what you got going on, man?
You, uh, working a gig in town?
What's going on?
Well, Jimmy was gonna play
the YooHoo Room
at the bowling alley, but,
well, they-- not tonight 'cause
they had to cancel
'cause, well, nobody came.
Oh, man I'm sorry to hear that,
but I mean,
but you're still on a road,
right? I love it, man.
I guess I am, too, man.
I'm blessed.
Not like back in the day,
when we were hopeful
and we could make
$200 in the night, huh?
Yeah, you still doing
those movies
where they make
you wear a dress?
You talk about the franchise
that grossed
half a billion dollars?
Yeah, I'm still doing those.
Just to think
you would have sold out
for so much less.
[snickers] I cry about it
every night in my hot tub,
with my supermodel wife.
Yeah, I'm sure
she loves you for you.
Still looking down
on commercial success.
Let me ask you this.
When you play the bowling alley,
do you gotta wear the bowling
shoes when you're on stage?
-[chuckling] That's good.
-Well, you know,
I think your movies are great.
You know, I was telling David
on the way over
that you were a hack.
But then I watched your show,
and I realized "hack"
is such a lazy word
where so many better ones
would fit.
Like pandering
or, uh, mundane,
milquetoast, corn ball,
uh, vapid.
That's always a fun word.
That's quite the vocabulary
you got there, Jimmy.
You know any other words
for alcoholic? Degenerate?
You know,
I think I just heard them
announce last call at the bar.
I'm pretty sure they got
a stool waiting for you,
'cause that's what
you do, right? You drink.
You know what? I think
I'm gonna do just that.
Uh, so, guys, I'm out of here.
Or as Matilda would say,
-"Fuck you!"
-[Will snickers]
Enjoy your success, Will.
I'll see you clowns out front.
[door opens and closes]
Fucking guy, man.
-I'm really sorry
about Jimmy, man.
-Ah, stop, stop, stop.
You don't have to apologize
for your father.
I don't hate him.
I pity him.
I love him to death,
though, man, he...
I got my start with him.
He took me on the road with him.
You know, back in the day,
I had the Letterman
people come see him?
-Oh, really?
-[Will] Yeah, man.
They loved him.
Booked the show.
Flew him out and everything.
The night of the show,
he gets drunk,
hooks up with two prostitutes,
and he misses the whole night.
I didn't know that.
Pretty much blackballed him
after that,
and what can I say, man?
The guy's afraid of success.
Look, man, I...
Your father's probably
one of the funniest people
I've ever met in my life.
But he has no discipline.
If you learn anything about
this industry, just know that
this business is more than
what you do on stage.
Well, thanks.
I should
probably get back to him.
Uh, thanks for meeting us, man.
-I really appreciate it.
-[Will] Sure.
You know, I'm a-- I'm a comic
and I love your work, man.
Like, can I get, like,
your email or...?
[soft rock music plays]
[woman] Thank you.
I should've known "out front"
meant nearest bar, huh?
Hey, what are ya-- what are ya
drinking? I'm buying.
No! Why would you
embarrass me like that?
Like, you knew I was
a big fan of him.
Wait, you're embarrassed for me?
Have you seen that guy's movies?
Well, he's a big star, Jimmy.
Did you see how many people
came to his show?
You think that matters?
I guess I'm wasting
my time with you.
Will told me about
the Letterman thing.
It's funny you never mention it.
Urban legend.
Okay, well, he said
you got too drunk.
You never even made it
to the taping.
Yeah, that's probably the way
he wants to remember it.
Well, what's your side
of the story?
He wanted me to wear a suit.
What? So?
Can you picture me
in a fucking suit?
I mean, that's how it starts.
They dress you up,
they go through all your jokes,
and they take all the teeth
out of them
so they're not funny anymore.
And they send you out there
with no guns.
And for what? Like,
so you can get a sitcom?
Play the idiot dad
with the catchphrase?
And then shilling
infomercials for some garbage.
"Hi, do you remember me?
I was Scooch
from My Nutty Cousin,
and now I wanna talk to
gullible old fucks
about reverse mortgages."
Yeah, Okay. Yeah.
So instead your working
the bowling alley.
Yeah, I'm working in
a bowling alley with my words
wearing my own clothes
and doing it my own way.
Yeah, and with
my mom's credit card.
So what are we doing?
We're going back to the hotel?
I gotta feeling I'm gonna be
closing this place down.
Well, I should've known that.
[pensive music playing]
[door opens]
Yo, no sign
of your sleepy time tea?
Enjoy your backstage pass
to Captain Hot Tub?
Hot tub.
Real comics don't even bathe.
You wouldn't even get
my backstage pass
if you dropped my name.
Because I am funny.
People fucking know it.
You're not even funny yet
and you're funnier than that.
[Jimmy grunts]
All right, Jimmy.
Time to wake up.
What time is it?
It's, uh, it's 11:00.
Am I on a bus?
[David snickers]
No, uh, I'm taking you to Akron
since it's, uh, on my way.
If that's what you want
it's okay by me.
All right.
Well, let's go.
[soft music playing]
Well, I talked to my mom.
Um, she seemed a lot better,
and both my parents agreed to
give me a year to pursue this.
Like, isn't that great?
Full year, huh?
Yeah, you ought to be
a huge star by then.
So you want to meet your aunt?
[David] Yeah, I have an aunt?
I got a sister.
That means you have an aunt.
She lives in, uh, Findlay,
so it's not far off from Akron.
[David] Yeah. What's she like?
[Jimmy] She's cool.
Lives with her partner, Julie.
She'll probably make you
shovel her walk.
It's nice of her.
[front door opens]
-[Jimmy] Hey!
-[Nancy] Oh, my God. Jimmy!
[Jimmy] How you doing?
Jimmy, oh,
it's so good to see you!
It's been too long!
Oh, let me look at you.
You look like shit.
[Jimmy] Thank you very much.
I love you, too.
Oh, my goodness.
You must be David.
-[Jimmy] In the flesh.
-[David] Good to meet ya.
Get over here!
Give me a hug!
Oh, I haven't seen you
since you were a baby.
Yeah, though it's great
to meet ya. Both you guys. Yeah.
Well, come on in, it's cold!
It's freezing out here.
Please, please,
please, this way.
So you just
showed up at his door?
That must have been a shock.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Well, I for one,
am just delighted.
I was so happy
when Jimmy called last week.
Said you two were coming.
Oh, yeah, well,
you're on the way to the gig,
so how could I not stop in
and say hello?
Family is so important.
-Hear, hear.
-Oh, speaking of,
you really should stop in
and see Dad before you leave.
He's not doing too well.
-This might be your last chance.
-[Jimmy] Look...
I said everything I had
to say to him the night I left.
That was over 30 years ago.
Well, you really owe it
to yourself and to David.
Yeah, I would
really like to meet him.
But I have nothing to say
to the guy.
End of story.
One of the things that Julie
has helped me to realize,
you can't hold on to resentment.
Dad did the best he could.
Nancy, you know
that's bullshit.
Well, you need to
try to forgive him
for your own peace of mind.
Fuck him.
It wasn't easy for him
when Mom died
raising two little kids
on his own,
working at the factory.
it wasn't all his fault.
He was basically an alcoholic.
-And you remember
what Grandpa was like.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grandpa, come on.
Are you trying
to get me to leave?
Can we talk about
something else?
Does he live in town?
He's at a nursing home.
It's 5 minutes away.
He's had a couple of strokes.
I'm not even sure if he knows
when we are there.
Who wants more potato salad?
-[Nancy] Another bite?
-[Jimmy] Nah, we gotta--
we gotta roll.
We got a two-hour drive
to Akron,
so I'm gonna hit the head.
I will take this mess
into the kitchen.
I'm glad we've got
a minute alone.
I'm worried about Jimmy.
He really looks terrible.
[sighs] Is he okay?
Ah, no, you know,
he's-- he's drinking a lot.
He just... he just doesn't
take care of himself at all.
You're a good kid.
I'm glad you two reconnected.
Oh, yeah. So am I.
No, yeah.
But, um, you know, what was
it like for you guys as kids?
Well, it wasn't easy.
Um, our dad was strict.
He was mad at the world,
and he took it out on Jimmy.
They would
get into horrible fights.
Sorry to hear about that.
But you know what?
That's all in the past.
I just think seeing him
might give Jimmy some closure.
And if he doesn't,
he might regret it.
Oh, definitely. Yeah.
Um, where's this place at?
It's right up the street
off Route 12.
Um, you can't miss it.
So, you'll be heading
out to New York soon?
Yeah, that's the plan.
I'm, uh, pretty excited. So...
[Jimmy] You about ready?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
[Jimmy] I love you.
Don't take so long
between visits, hmm?
Thank you.
For everything.
And you, take care of her.
I will.
David, you know
you're welcome here anytime.
Well, thanks, Aunt Nancy.
I like the sound of that.
Thank you, again.
You, too. You, too
You guys were a pleasure.
So thanks for having us.
-[Nancy] Aww, drive safe.
-[David] Have a good one.
Well, I'm glad we stopped.
I-- I really like them.
She's the best.
Yeah, and Julie, too.
You should visit them
more often.
Why are we stopped?
What the fuck
do you think you're doing?
I wanna meet my grandfather.
What are you trying
to prove with this?
Nothing. I have the right to
meet my grandfather.
And also, it's my car.
Fine. Knock yourself out.
I'll be right here.
This is your dad.
Are you really not
coming with me?
I've nothing to say to the guy.
Okay, well. I'm going in.
Hey, just come with me.
I haven't asked you
anything else.
Just do this one thing
for me, okay?
God damn it.
Five minutes.
Okay. Good. Let's go.
So this is Mr. Quinn's room.
I'll leave you all alone.
Hi, I'm your--
I'm your grandson, David.
How you doing, um...
This is your son Jimmy.
I don't think he hears us.
I'mma go find a vending machine.
Look at you now.
Used to be such a big man.
You're not King Shit anymore.
You're a fucking vegetable.
Serves you right.
Karma's a bitch.
Why did you have to be
such an asshole?
Supposed to be my father.
You have any idea
how much I tried to
just get one nod
of attention out of you?
And all you ever did was
make me feel...
I hope you don't die.
I hope you just sit there,
rot, and think about that.
Do you hear me?
Do you?
[sentimental music playing]
[David] I, uh, couldn't
find any vending machines.
Let's get out of here.
Thank you.
Think I, uh, need to apologize.
For what?
For not being your father.
I had a great father.
I had a great childhood.
There's no hard feelings,
[engine starts]
Okay, we got a problem.
Feature act isn't here.
I can't get him on the phone,
so I'm going to need you
to do an hour and a half.
-I don't know what else to do.
-Can you do 20?
-Yeah, I can do 20.
All right. Cool.
Bring my son up.
He'll do a set.
I'll close it out.
-Are you a comedian?
Great. What's your name?
Dave Moranto.
Okay, I'm gonna start the show.
All right, cool.
Thanks, Jimmy.
-Just be funny.
Welcome to the show, everybody.
You ready to have a good time?
[audience applause]
I love this group.
Well, listen, you know,
we only have one rule here.
It's real simple.
The more you drink,
the funnier
those comics are gonna be.
You got that?
So let's get it started.
Your first comic.
How about it, everybody?
A big round of applause.
David Moranto. Keep it going!
[audience applause]
All right.
Give it up for, uh, that guy.
Okay. Yeah.
Good to be here, man.
Good to be here.
-Hey, it's my girlfriend.
All right.
Good to be here, man.
I, uh, I know
I kinda look like a, uh
John Cusack
before he hit puberty.
I, uh, I just dropped out
of med school.
-Hold your applause.
Let me show you guys
an impression
of what our group study sessions
look like.
[bong sound effect]
Kid's funny.
...if humans can see water,
can fish see air?"
I'm just like,
that's a lot of pressure.
I'm not sure I can
follow that command.
You guys have been great.
Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
You gonna love your headliner,
Good room.
I'm Dave Moranto. Thank you.
-[applause and cheers]
-Keep it going!
Good job!
Good job!
How 'bout it? Dave Moranto.
Hey, thanks.
That's what I'm talking about.
Are we having a good time? Yes.
Well, are you ready
for your headliner?
Uh, what did you think?
[Louis] I think so.
Let's put it together.
-Good crowd.
-[Louis] Love this crowd.
He is The Road Dog.
Put it together.
Jimmy Quinn, everybody!
[audience applause]
Thank you!
Louis, Ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, my name's Jimmy,
and I'm an alcoholic.
[roaring applause]
Ready to hit the road?
Yeah, I guess.
Thank you so much.
Great set. Great set.
I thought you might want this.
Uh, we record all the comics,
so here's a copy for you.
I finally got a hold
of the feature act.
He will be here tomorrow.
But I'm telling you,
any time you want a booking,
just give me a call.
We would love to have you.
And really, thanks again.
All right?
And, Jimmy, good job as usual!
Thanks, Lou.
You were so funny!
Yeah, you were, like,
the funniest.
Oh, thanks.
Appreciate it.
Um, we're heading over
to Shea for drinks
if you wanna join us?
Uh, that's really nice.
I-- I gotta get back, though.
I'd love to go to Shea!
Appletinis on me, girls."
Let's get the fuck out of here.
You know, you haven't said
a word about my set tonight.
What do you want me to say?
You know,
what'd you think of it?
It shouldn't matter
what anybody thinks.
Well, it matters
what you think.
I respect your opinion.
It's all style and no substance.
You got no voice.
You got no point of view.
There was none of you
in that set.
You gotta understand...
fuckin' comedy's about pain.
What pain have you ever felt?
You've had a perfect childhood,
perfect teeth, girls like you.
So you get nothing 'cause
you got nothing to work with.
Okay, well,
sorry I'm not Kurt Cobain,
-but that crowd
seemed to like me.
Never underestimate
the stupidity
of large groups of people.
So you're saying
my act is stupid?
No. I just let you
say it for me.
Just saying there's more to it
than just standing up there
and telling jokes.
There wasn't one part
that you liked?
What was your favorite part?
You're a dick!
You know what I think?
I think you're kind of jealous,
you know,
because you can't
stand the fact that--
[Jimmy vomiting]
Oh, my God, that's blood!
[Jimmy] Get out of here!
[David] No, that's hematemesis!
We need to get you
to a hospital!
[Jimmy, coughing]
I don't need a fucking hospital!
No, you're sick!
You need to see a doctor!
I've already seen a doctor.
[Jimmy] Get the fuck out!
[Jimmy coughing]
[toilet flushes]
Okay, well, I wanna know
what this doctor told you.
I think that would be a breach
of doctor/patient
Well, goddammit, Jimmy,
he told you
if you don't quit drinking,
you're going to die, right?
We're all gonna die.
So you don't care?
That's what this
whole thing's been about?
Just-- just you saying goodbye?
I'm going out doing
what I do best.
And you expect me to sit here
and watch you kill yourself?
[chuckles] I was never
expecting you at all.
You're a big boy now.
You can do
whatever it is you like.
Yeah, I am.
What the fuck
do you think you're doing?
You gotta stop drinking!
Fuck are you
to tell me what to do?
You don't mean shit to me.
You'd have figured that out.
You're nothing but my ride.
All right, fuck this. I'm--
I'm out. I'm not dealing
with this fucking shit.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
Listen, just,
just bear with me
for a little bit longer.
I can't sit here and watch you
commit suicide.
-I'm not--
-Just one--
just get me to Columbus.
-Just one more gig.
-All right.
I'll take you to Columbus,
but then I'm going. Okay?
[melancholy music playing]
You know,
I-- I just don't get it.
Like, why can't you stop?
I'm a lost cause, kid.
Don't start caring
about me too much.
[David] Too late.
Is this the place?
I just gotta drop off a letter.
-[Jimmy exclaims]
-[David] Hey, is that the girl
from the pictures? What--
Why are you ducking?
Is there a sniper?
[Jimmy] I-- I wrote her a letter
and I just wanna
stick it in her mailbox.
-Is she gone?
-Yeah, she went inside.
Okay, well, I don't get it.
She's right there. Just...
Nah, I can't talk to her
[David] Come on, man.
You really can't just
go and talk to her?
You don't-- Shut up.
You don't understand.
We were engaged.
And I completely disappeared
on her. I just... ghosted her.
I wouldn't even
answer her phone calls.
I haven't seen her
in over 20 years.
Okay, well, at least you could
go talk to her, you know...
like a man?
Pretty sure I'm the last person
she wants to see
at her doorstep, so...
keep the car runnin'.
[car horn blaring]
-[Jimmy] Laura.
I wrote you a letter, and...
well, I was just
gonna stick it in your...
[Laura] Wait!
If you have something
to say to me...
say it to my face.
All right. Uh...
Well, it's like I said
in the letter. I--
You know, I was
reflecting on my life, and...
it wasn't you, it was me,
and... I was stupid.
That was basically
what's in the letter.
That's the meat of it.
I wrote it so much better.
Laura, I was scared,
and, I mean...
you were real,
and it was a good thing,
and I w-- I wasn't used to
having good things in my life.
So I panicked.
And I've regretted it
every day of my life since.
You were the love of my life.
You still are.
It hasn't stopped.
So this is you
saying you're sorry?
Yes! Yes, incredibly sorry.
Nothing but sorry.
I believe you.
I forgave you, years ago.
But it's nice
to hear you say it.
You wanna come inside?
Can I get you anything?
I could really use a drink.
I can't help with that. I don't
have anything in the house.
All right.
Well, you do look fantastic.
You haven't aged a day.
Thank you.
Who is in the car?
[Jimmy] Oh, that's David.
He's my son.
listen, it's a long story,
but he's 21.
It was-- it was after us.
Did you marry her?
I-- I guess on paper.
But it didn't last long.
I didn't love her.
If that makes any sense.
Yeah. Um, so, you loved me, but
you ran out on our engagement.
Then you met a woman
who you didn't love,
so you married her
and had a baby with her.
Actually, she was pregnant
before I married her.
that makes everything better.
Please invite him in.
[gentle music playing]
So, basically, I went with
the best and the safest option,
which was to drop out of
med school, and here we are.
Well, there's no one better
to learn comedy from than Jimmy.
-So what are your plans now?
-I got a show next Friday
at Magooby's Comedy Club
in town.
And, uh, I'm just gonna
get a motel till then.
And I'm heading
to New York soon.
-That's exciting.
But, you know,
you should go see Jimmy's show.
It's been a long time
since I've seen his act.
Maybe I will.
We met at a comedy club.
Did you know that?
-No. No, really?
I went up to him after his show
and told him how funny he was,
and he asked me out.
I'm sure I'm the only girl
that's ever happened to.
You're the only one
that mattered.
Well, listen, David,
if you're sticking around...
You know, why don't
you guys just stay here?
I-- It's better than
wasting money on a motel,
and I've got plenty of room.
[David] Yeah, that's--
that's fine with me. Thanks.
-That's, uh--
that's really nice.
I'm gonna grab something
out of my car.
I'll-- I'll be right back.
[front door opens, closes]
-You really care about him,
don't you?
-Yeah, I--
I haven't known him
that long, but...
yeah, I do a lot. Yeah.
How bad is it?
He doesn't look well.
-I mean-- I mean,
he's dying, so...
I mean, he-- he saw a doctor,
you know? That doctor, you know,
must've told him that
if he doesn't quit drinking,
he's gonna die.
But he doesn't give a shit.
It's like he doesn't even care.
It's not that simple.
He's an addict.
Until he decides he wants
to do it for himself,
there's nothing you
or anyone else can do for him.
-[front door opens]
-[Jimmy exhales]
You, uh, get what you needed?
[Jimmy] Yeah. Thanks.
So, why don't you guys
get cleaned up,
and I'll make us some dinner?
you guys must be having fun.
I used to love going on the road
with Jimmy, seeing America.
Oh, I-- I love it.
I mean, this is what
I wanna do with my life, so.
I-- I'd love to see
your act some time.
As a matter of fact,
I actually just uploaded a set
I did at Dad's show in Akron.
Um... you, uh--
you wanna see it?
-Yeah, that'd be great.
-Cool. Um, yeah,
I'll go get my computer.
[footsteps receding]
He is a good kid. I like him.
Yeah, he is.
You're real quiet.
What's going on?
It's just,
I don't know, overwhelming?
Just, you know,
being here with you. Again.
I get it. [chuckles]
I had a bad couple of years
after you left.
I got married too.
He was a good guy.
But I was dealing with
a lot of grief back then,
and I got angry.
Angry at him
for being so decent.
at him caring so much
when I couldn't.
That made me hate myself.
Pretty much climbed inside
a bottle of Merlot, and...
then I watched him struggle
and beg and try to fix me.
And eventually
I watched him leave.
I was by myself.
That's when I hit my bottom.
Then I realized
I had two choices:
die inside that bottle,
or fight for my life.
I've been sober 15 years.
-That's-- that's good.
-[Laura chuckles]
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow.
Wanna come with me?
Uh... [chuckles]
I-- I don't think so. That's--
It's kind of off-brand for me.
It's just that
I think David and...
some other people might like
to have you around for a while.
uh, I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
[footsteps receding]
Hey. Don't blow this.
She's really great.
[approaching footsteps]
[David] All right.
So, uh, it's on its own browser.
-It's queued up?
-Yep. There it is. Okay.
[David on video] ...I know
I kinda look like a, uh,
John Cusack
before he hit puberty...
-[laughs] That's good.
It's a good opener.
-Appreciate it.
...I, uh-- I just
dropped out of med school.
Kind of a stupid joke.
I like stupid.
Oh, good morning!
-How'd you sleep?
Great, yeah.
Thanks for letting us stay here.
My pleasure.
Is, uh, Jimmy awake?
Uh, yeah, I think
I heard him moving around.
-I hope you like waffles.
-[David] Oh, yeah.
-So, New York is next?
-Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty excited.
Uh, got some friends out there,
so, you know, should be good.
I like New York. It's just
a little "big city" for me.
-These days,
I like things quieter.
Good morning, sleepyhead!
-Can I make you some waffles?
Ugh. God, no. Uh...
just coffee if you got it.
-You still take it black?
-Good memory.
So, I took the day off work.
What would you guys like to do?
Why don't we hang out here?
Yeah, like a lot of mice.
You know you can't add an "S"
to a word that's already plural.
All right, if you're
gonna be all technical,
then I ain't got shit.
Listen, why don't you guys
just play together?
I'm gonna go lay down for a bit.
Okay! What do you got?
That's... not a word.
[David] Oh, sure it is.
That's-- that's a medical term.
[Laura, laughing]
You are such a bullshitter!
All right, where's my phone?
I'm gonna look this up. Uh...
[poignant music playing]
-That works!
-No, no, no. Um...
Where's my phone?
I'm gonna Google this.
Just admit it, you got nothing!
-Ow, my "queeve"!
-[Laura laughing] God.
What are you doing?
[liquid pouring]
[Jimmy sighs]
I wanna stop.
I do. I just...
I wanna stop.
I just gotta figure out how.
[David] Good!
We'll help you. Right, Laura?
I'll stay as long
as it takes, Dad.
You can do this.
[pants, sputters]
Okay. Okay.
Doing good. All right.
-Okay, I'll take care of this.
-Yes, thank you.
Um, David,
why don't you get some rest?
We can do this in shifts
until he's out of danger.
-Okay, but call me if
you need anything, all right?
-Yep, I will.
[softly] All right.
It's okay. It's okay.
[panting] You...
[Laura] Okay.
That's a good sign.
You got your appetite back.
Yeah, how-- how ya feeling?
Like shit.
-So, that's an improvement.
-[both chuckle]
Listen, I'm not good with
"thank yous," so I'm gonna
skip all that, but, uh...
I know this couldn't
have been easy on you guys.
-It wasn't.
-It was terrible.
-The worst.
Starting to get some optimism,
and you're busting my balls.
You've got a long road
ahead of you.
But at least you're
out of physical danger.
[woman] And I'd like to thank
my family and my sponsor
for getting me to the point
that I'm at today. Thank you.
[host] Thank you, Alexa.
You did a great job.
Would anybody else like to
come up and share this evening?
Yeah. Come on up, come on up.
-Hey, keep it going for Greg,
ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry, force of habit. Uh...
uh, my name's Jimmy,
and I'm an alcoholic.
-[all] Hi, Jimmy.
-Yeah, it's strange that, uh,
I've used that as
an opening line on stage
in comedy for a million years.
Honestly, it kind of
stings to say it for real
-and not get the laugh.
But, um...
-[scattered chuckles]
I started drinking
as a teenager.
I grew up thinking
I was worthless, and...
when I found alcohol, I don't
think it changed it that much,
but it just made me not care
that I was a piece of shit.
You know,
it deadens your emotions.
Uh, which I thought
was a good thing.
Like that line from Pet Sematary
where the guy says, "Yeah,
sometimes dead is better."
-I believed that.
And I would lie to myself.
Uh, denial,
as I guess you guys could say.
I mean, I remember I would be--
You know, booze shakes
so bad in the morning
that I would be white-knuckling
a breakfast sandwich and
having to move my mouth to it
and still thinking, "I don't
have an alcohol problem.
It's probably just a little bit
-of Parkinson's disease going
on there. I'm fine." But, uh...
I know this is gonna be
a lot of hard work, and I hope
to be where you are someday.
I just hate-- hate
saying "quitting."
I always thought of "quitting"
as a word of weakness, and...
I know now that
I'm not a weak person,
so instead of saying "I quit"
from now on-- for--
from now on, I'm just gonna say
"I retired undefeated."
So. Thank you,
and tip your waitresses.
[laughter, applause]
You have no idea how it felt
to be that clearheaded
on stage tonight.
[giggles] I like that
sharing at an AA meeting
is "on stage" for you.
-Well... I got some chuckles.
-Yeah, you did.
So, uh, how would you feel
if I told you that
now you're pretty much
my sole and only
solitary reason for living?
-Does that put too--
too much pressure on you?
Does that put you
in an awkward position?
[tender music playing]
Well... I'm, uh, going to bed.
-[Jimmy] You say something?
-[David] Nope.
[chuckling] Good night.
Yeah, you know,
I think maybe you should
sleep in my room tonight.
For safety.
Yeah, all right.
If it's a safety issue.
[music swells]
[both chuckling]
[Jimmy exhales deeply]
Listen, I know that
couldn't have been easy on you.
-It wasn't.
-[Jimmy chuckles]
You don't by any chance
still have that ring I got you?
Do you mean...
-[Jimmy chuckles]
I think we should pawn it.
I thought about it.
Why don't we just consider this
the world's longest engagement?
It still fits.
It's a good sign.
We could do it right this time.
I'm a different person now.
-Than you were eight days ago?
-Oh, come on.
I know how this can go.
I'm not gonna get hurt again.
You won't.
I'm serious.
I don't wanna
be that person anymore.
Let's take it one day at a time.
I'm just so happy
you're here now.
[uptempo jazz playing]
-[Mark] Jimmy!
It's been a long time!
-How are you, sir?
-Good. How you doing?
-You're a little early, pal.
We're not even open yet.
-Trying to beat the paparazzi.
-This is my son, David,
and, uh...
-Hey, how you doing?
-Nice to meet you, man. girlfriend, Laura.
Nice to meet ya.
So, uh, what are we drinking?
You know, just a--
just a bottle of water.
-[chuckles] "Water," yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah, just-- just water.
Who are you and what have you
done with the real Jimmy Quinn?
Just water.
All right. A table?
Well, how you feeling?
Better once I'm on that stage.
Well, I'm excited to see you.
-It's really been too long.
Hey, I-- I don't wanna beat
a dead horse with this, but...
thank you both again,
'cause I couldn't have done this
without your support, and...
I was a dead man in my own eyes
a week ago,
and... here we are, so.
And you! I just wanted to say...
you're everything
I could've wanted in a son,
and I'm really sorry I wasn't
there to watch you grow up.
But I was really
hoping for a girl.
[all chuckling]
-Okay, you guys ready
for your headliner?
-[scattered applause]
Come on! You could do
better than that! You guys
ready for your headliner?
-[loud applause]
-There you go! You guys
are in for a real treat.
This guy has been entertaining
audiences for over 30 years.
I'm talking about the legendary
Road Dog himself, Jimmy Quinn!
[applause, cheering]
Vince! Keep it going for Vince!
Weird gynecological instrument.
-Yeah. Hey, my name's Jimmy,
and I'm an alcoholic.
[scattered chuckles]
Actually, I-- I quit
drinking a week ago. Uh...
So, uh--
But I'm still an alcoholic,
so the jokes should still work.
Uh... yeah, I used to say that,
yeah, I lost more friends
to AA than, uh--
than St. Jude's did
to dead kids with cancer.
[scattered murmuring]
You know,
you see that chip on their ring,
and it's like, uh--
-it's like seeing a toe tag
on their dead corpse.
-[scattered chuckles]
My doctor told me that
I had to quit-- quit
drinking 'cause, uh...
And I told him, you know, uh--
You know, uh, I prefer to
think of it as, uh, I retired--
Ah, I-- I fucked up the--
fucked the punchline up.
Maybe that's what I should quit.
Fucking up punchlines.
Can I get a sponsor for that?
It's supposed to be,
"I've-- I didn't quit drinking,
I retired undefeated."
Which... probably be funnier
if I didn't fuck it up.
I had, uh, two ladies walk out
of my show last night 'cause--
uh, complaining that I was
drunk on stage-- uh, before.
Like, before I quit drinking.
They walked out of the show,
and they were complaining
that I was-- you know,
'cause I was drunk.
And I'm like, I'm not--
I'm not driving a bus, you know?
-I'm a comedian.
-[scattered chuckles]
-[audience murmuring]
You guys want some easy comedy?
What's the problem? [scoffs]
here's a-- here's an impression
of me when I start in comedy.
It's supposed to
sound like a bong. But you--
-[audience member 1]
Bring back the last guy!
-[audience member 2] Yeah!
-[scattered applause]
-You know what? That's-- Fine.
You know, it's not a bad idea.
Vince, why don't you, uh,
control this sinking ship?
I'm sorry.
This was a fucking mistake.
[tense music playing]
[Vince] Okay!
Well, that was legendary.
[audience laughter]
-[Vince continues indistinctly]
-[audience applauds, cheers]
Hey, a-- a whiskey.
-What the fuck was that?
-I'm gonna fix it
in the second show.
-Mark, I-- I swear to you.
-[Mark scoffs]
You better.
-[Vince speaking indistinctly]
-[audience laughter]
[somber music playing]
-What the hell are you doing?
-What does it look like?
-[Vince laughing]
-[audience cheering]
You had one bad show! Just--
You gotta give it some time!
Did you see that?
It was a fucking embarrassment.
That wasn't me up there.
This is what I do, David.
This is who I am, and...
if I can't have that,
the rest of it
doesn't mean shit.
I'm never gonna feel
that way on stage again.
Mom was right about you.
You hurt everyone
who cares about you,
'cause you don't know
what it's like to care.
I'm taking Laura home,
and I'm leaving tonight.
And you're never
seeing me again.
Thanks for the lessons.
[audience applause]
[gloomy music playing]
[Ross groans]
[phone vibrating]
-Is that your phone?
-[Ross grunts]
Hold on. Let me take this.
Ross Daniels.
Ross! It's your old pal Jimmy.
You got a lot of
fuckin' nerve calling me.
Hey, before you get started,
listen, I've-- I fucked up.
You were a really good friend to
me, and what I did was shitty.
But if it's any consolation,
I-- I did stop you
from marrying a girl
that'd sleep with a guy like me.
You sorry piece of shit.
Listen to me. If you're calling
to try and get on the show,
let me tell you,
it'll be a cold day in hell
before I let that happen.
Goodbye. And go fuck yourself!
Ross, I'm dyin'.
Yeah, my liver's blown out.
Big surprise, huh?
I'm-- I'm dyin'.
If you expect me
to feel bad for you,
you called the wrong place.
I get it. I-- I don't blame you.
I just needed to say
that I'm sorry and
that I regret it, and...
and that's not
the only reason I'm calling.
You remember my son, David?
You mean the kid you ran out on?
Yeah. Well, he's 21 now,
and guess what?
He's a stand-up comedian.
And, uh, I'm telling you,
Ross, the kid's funny.
You-- Listen to me.
Whatever you think about me,
I-- I take it. I deserve it.
But you know that I know funny.
And, uh, I just want you
to take a look at him.
His name's Dave Moranto.
He's in New York.
He's got a set up on YouTube.
Uh, we don't talk anymore,
And he doesn't know
that I'm calling you,
and I'd prefer he doesn't know.
and that's it.
[sorrowful music playing]
And Ross, you know...
try to remember
some of the laughs we had.
I'd rather you remember me
like that than,
you know, over some
bullshit transgression.
[traffic din]
[melancholy music playing]
Oh, shit. What time is it?
Can I...
[manager] Hey, comedian.
You're not here
to drink or watch TV.
Come on. You're up.
["Remember Me"
by Greg Glienna playing]
Now the time has come
To say goodbye
I'm sorry for the times
I made you cry
But there's one thing that
I wish on my behalf
Remember me
For how I made you laugh
Don't dwell on
My transgressions
And my selfish ways
Try instead remembering
Brighter days
Because I hope that
For my epitaph
You'll think of me
And how I made you laugh
Time goes by so fast
And today becomes the past
The only thing to last
Is what we remember
So now it's time to travel
Down that lonesome road
Thank you for the love
You always showed
Though I often strayed far
From that righteous path
Remember me
For how I made you laugh
Remember me
For how I made you laugh