The Road to Hong Kong (1962) Movie Script

When two guys pull
together, it's teamwork!
In foul or sunny weather, it's teamwork!
What does it take to
make any business climb?
You'll find it takes teamwork every time
Incidentally, your
jokes'll kill the yokels
It's teamwork!
I love your hokey vocals, it's teamwork!
Like Fred Astaire and Ginger and...
Twice as sleek, we'll give 'em
that teamwork, cheek to cheek!
Here we are, just like in Zanzibar
Still nothin', still a star!
That's quite a stab from old flab!
They always pay us plenty for teamwork!
We split it 80-20
- That's teamwork?
- Yours is tax-free!
When others start to
part and go off the beam
Like Siamese brothers
Like Siamese brothers
We'll be on each other's team!
No fuss about the billing, it's teamwork!
The smallest type is
thrilling, it's teamwork!
Although we hold each other in low esteem
We're loaded with teamwork
What's life without teamwork?
Unless you've got
teamwork, there's no team!
This is Hong Kong.
A sprawling dragon nestled
on the soft underbelly of China.
The flapping sails of its ancient junks...
form a glittering gateway to the Orient.
Yes, Hong Kong.
Where a teeming population
crowd its narrow streets...
while its people enjoy
the simple pleasures of life.
Sports-car racing.
Yet beneath this placid facade,
Hong Kong wears another face.
The inscrutable, sinister face
of mystery and intrigue.
This typically congested oriental street...
conceals American
secret-intelligence headquarters...
where a top security agent
was summoned to hear...
some desperate information.
Information which indicated
that the destiny of the world...
dangled by the merest thread.
I got over as fast as could.
Okay, let's hear about it.
- You sure you haven't made a mistake?
- No, sir.
You're sure the Russians have sent a man
around the moon in a spaceship?
Not one man, sir, two.
- Two?
- Yes, sir.
And you say they sound like Americans?
Just listen to this.
Harry, is this fantastic?
It's the only way to travel.
What's our speed?
About 23,000 miles an
hour, and we're parked.
Now, why would they want
their astronauts to sound American?
Russian humor, I suppose.
Just another way of
rubbing our noses in it.
Then why haven't they announced it?
It's obvious,
they haven't recovered their men yet.
And their path of descent?
Somewhere in the neighborhood of Hong Kong.
Yes. Bring her in.
Young lady outside, somewhat hysterical.
Claims to know something about all this.
Take your hands off me.
Look, you've simply got to help me!
Those men you're looking for
are in terrible trouble.
If you don't do something about it,
they'll be dead within the hour.
The two Russians?
They're not Russians. They're Americans.
- And you know them?
- Of course I know them!
- Who are they?
- Harry Turner and Chester Babcock.
Turner and Babcock?
Say, don't we know those names?
A couple of ex-vaudevillians, sir.
They're wanted for fraud by practically
every country in the Far East.
And you mean to tell me these are the men
the Russians have sent round the moon?
They were not sent by the Russians.
- Certainly you're not suggesting...
- Nor the Americans.
- Then who sent them?
- The Third Echelon.
- The Third what?
- A third force.
More desperate, more knowledgeable,
and infinitely more dangerous...
then either the
Russians or the Americans.
How do you know of this force?
Because until yesterday,
I was a part of it.
Look, you expect me to believe...
that these phonies
could be made into astronauts...
then sent round the moon
by some mysterious force...
more powerful than
either us or the Russians?
Sir, I know it's incredible,
but you must believe me.
Now, please listen to me.
It all started in Calcutta
about 10 days ago.
Turner and Babcock were involved
in the latest of their frauds.
As usual it was involved with space.
Buy your tickets on the outside.
Get your stock on the inside.
See the thrilling demonstration
of the one, the only...
the original, intercontinental,
interspatial, interplanetary...
Fly-It-Yourself kit.
Be the first man on your
block into outer space.
Fly to the moon. Stake a claim. Now, hurry.
What is it, boy? Oh, yeah?
Oh, well, get your tickets!
The demonstration starts immediately.
Now, hurry!
Hey, this thing's going to work fine.
How about that brave
native we hired to fly it?
- We've got a great crowd out there, Chester.
- Yeah?
This is the biggest thing we've ever
pulled. Let's try on the helmet.
- There we are!
- That fits nice, doesn't it?
Look at that. Let's try the jacket.
Look at that material!
Give me that good right arm.
Is that native gonna love that?
He's gonna...
Here we go, now.
Well, wait. What are you doing?
We're gonna try on the pants.
What about the native?
You don't want to keep
400 paid-up stockholders waiting.
- Waiting for what?
- The maiden flight of Fly-It-Yourself.
And who's going to fly the maiden flight?
- You are.
- I am?
The brave native flew.
You're all we've got left.
I'm all I've got left, and
I won't spread it around.
A flash about Fly-It-Yourself.
- What?
- Fly it yourself.
Now, Ches boy...
"Ches boy!"All of a sudden, I'm "Ches boy."
Every time you want me to risk my life,
I'm "Ches boy."
- Don't blow a gasket.
- Let me say one thing.
- You know I hated to ask you.
- "Ches boy!"
- I didn't want to ask you.
- I can see the tears forming in your wallet.
Only one thing keeps me from going up
and flying that thing myself.
- I know. You're chicken.
- No, Ches...
Let me say one thing.
I'm as chicken as you. Chickener.
Chester, the clothes won't fit me.
Okay, we'll make a few alterations.
What're you doing?
There. We'll have your head reblocked...
pump you up a little
bit and you're ready.
And I'll cheer. I'll be on the ground.
You know that I want to go, but I can't.
- Why not?
- I've got to be on the ground.
- What for?
- For the landing.
For the public relations
and the press and magazines.
And the splints and the plasma. No, not me.
Get another pigeon. Not me, boy. No, sir.
All right, if that's the
way you feel about it.
That's the way I feel about it.
All those 400 paid-up stockholders,
all that loot. Gonna blow it.
Blow it? Why don't we take a powder?
They're here to see
the people get their money's worth...
or their money back.
If only I could get my hands
on that brave native...
I'd go with him.
Chester, I give you my solemn word.
This time it's not dangerous.
Not dangerous? You said that
when you shot me out of a cannon.
When you dropped me in a
tank with an octopus.
When you had me wrestle a gorilla.
" It's not dangerous.
I'm not going. I'm through.
I've had it. So forget it, Charlie!
Now what are you worrying about?
I don't like the location of the propeller.
Why not?
I don't like things going
on behind my back.
You're going to soar,
soar just like a bird.
I hope I drop an egg, on guess who.
Why do I always have to
do the dangerous stuff?
Just the nature of our
relationship, dear boy.
One of us has the brains,
one of us has the brawn.
Just like one's firm...
the other's flab.
You got a program?
So far I don't recognize anyone.
Don't get sore at me.
It's a plot point.
Besides, this whole deals
going to be a cinch.
Everything's a cinch, and
I wind up on crutches.
Don't I always get you the
best medical attention?
Yeah, like that doctor you got me
in Bombay last month.
How was I going to know
he was an elephant doctor?
You should have known
by the size of his thermometer.
Yes, it was a bit large.
When he shook it, I was still on it.
I think he used to be a pole-vaulter.
You don't have to tell me that.
Well, here we go.
Wait. How high am I going to go?
- Only 200 feet.
- 200 feet!
Yes, you'll make history like Lindbergh!
Lindbergh had a plane,
not a malted-milk machine!
Don't worry, everything will be fine.
Let's go, boys!
Here we go. Pull it back.
Hey! Wait a minute. I don't like this.
Get out of there. Contact!
Let's point him.
Is there an insurance machine around here?
Stop worrying. Everything's all right.
Happy landings, Buster.
I don't know what you're so happy about.
You're not in my will.
Release the feet, let him go.
What's that?
Who are you?
Who am I?
Yes. You seem like...
a nice, pleasant fellow.
Friendly, saggy, and a little overdressed.
Chester, I'm your partner, Harry Turner.
- Harry?
- Yeah. Harry Turner. Your pal.
Chester, for 20 years,
we've been bosom friends.
What's that?
You have lost your memory, haven't you?
Come on, Chester, try and remember.
Try real hard.
Who am I, now?
You look friendly and fatherly.
Are you my father?
- No, I'm not your father.
- You're not my father.
Could you possibly be my mother?
We're not even sure you had one.
Got to get something to
jolt your memory. Here.
Who's that?
I don't know, but give me
a stick and I'll kill it!
Think carefully. Who does that look like?
I don't know. A nice, handsome fellow.
Dashing, devil-may-care.
Irresistible to women.
And you've never heard of " bosom"?
Boy! We've got a lot of work to do.
Never mind!
So Harry Turner desperately tried
to regain his friend's memory.
He took him to the most highly
respected neurologist in India.
What is it, Doctor?
Terrible heartburn.
Put too much curry in my cornflakes,
you understand. One moment please.
Don't mind if I smarten myself up
in front of you. Now.
Comes the examination.
Please, taking that down a minute.
Now. One second.
Looking in here.
My goodness gracious me!
Would you look in the other ear, please?
I can see you.
That's strange, I can see you.
That's since I put in air-conditioning.
- What do I look like?
- You look like you need a doctor.
I don't know where
I could find a doctor at this time.
Will you please get on
with the examination?
No. Tell you what I'll do.
- What?
- I will get on with my examination.
The most important point at this stage of
the proceedings is the matter of the fee.
Since you are fine American gentlemen...
I am offering you my special
European fee of 1,200 rupees.
1,200 rupees?
Right. Open your mouth and say...
You are suffering from a severe attack
of teeth and two cavities.
I will fill them for you for 600 rupees.
- Are you a doctor or a dentist?
- What do you need?
- I need to get my memory back.
- Just one moment, please.
Could you use some French postcards?
- No.
- Pity.
Slightly used Havana cigar?
Underwater inflatable bust of Yogi Berra?
Pity. It's going for a song.
Thank you very much for the...
- And I'm the patient?
- That's what I thought.
Come on.
We want to get this fellow's memory back.
Will you get on with the therapy?
No, but I'll tell you what I do.
- What?
- I'll get on with the therapy.
First of all, we have the special all-India
close-up eye-test reading chart.
Read from the fourth line down.
Thank you very much.
"I owe you 1,300 rupees."
1,300? A minute ago it was 1,200.
You should have jumped at it
when you had the chance.
Doctor, there's nothing wrong with my eyes.
No, as a matter of fact,
you've got very beautiful eyes.
Never mind. I'll tell you what I will do.
I will start the special
long-distance eye test now.
Where's the sausages in here?
I'm so sorry. It's my mother.
Now then. Here.
I'm giving you the eye test...
constructed for American
gentlemen visiting our country. Now then.
One, two, three, fourth line down.
Read it, please.
- But that's Indian. I can't read Indian.
- I'll read it for you.
No, better still, I'll play it for you.
Wait a minute.
Just a second.
Damn old flies. They get
everywhere, you know?
Hey, Doc!
- What? Don't worry about that.
- Don't worry? What if he bites me?
Nothing to worry about.
If he should give you a nip...
all you do is get hold of your
bowie knife, make a cut on here...
suck out the poison and spit it away.
Very simple.
But what if he bites me
in a place where I can't reach?
That is when you find out
who your real friends are.
Let's get out of here.
No, seriously, please, listen to me.
If you want to get your memory back,
there's one place to go.
In the mountains of Tibet.
A lamasery, wonderful place.
Instantly give you a secret herb,
back comes memory.
- You're sure of this?
- Dear fellow, absolutely sure.
Once I had a terrible attack
of the can't-remember-nothing...
my name, who I was, what I was doing,
where I am, what's going on.
Then I took the secret herb.
Instantly, back came everything. Wonderful.
Where is this place?
I'm sorry, I can't remember.
- Let's get out of here.
- Don't worry.
All right, Sam, let's have some jazz, man.
The boys consulted another
doctor and discovered...
there really was such a lamasery,
where memory could be restored.
En route to the lamasery...
the boys booked passage on a plane
that departed from Calcutta.
It was in that airport that
my path was destined to cross...
that of Babcock and Turner.
I had been sent there to
contact one of our secret agents.
He was returning from Moscow,
where he had just stolen...
the top-secret formula
for the Russian rocket fuel...
I am being followed, so listen carefully.
I can only say this once.
Here is the formula. You
will microfilm it...
destroy these papers
and send the film to Hong Kong.
Very well.
- Have you made all the arrangements?
- Yes.
- Who's the photographer?
- That's no concern of yours.
You'll identify him by three
concentric circles on his camera bag.
Three concentric circles?
He will contact you right
here in the airport.
- You mustn't fail.
- Don't worry.
I hope that doctor's right.
- You sure I'll get my memory back?
- That's what he said.
What if I only get part of it back?
All I want you to get back
is the part where you left our money.
What about women?
What if I don't remember them?
We'll send you to school.
Learning can be fun.
- No!
- Yes.
Suppose I should meet someone right now.
What did I do? How did
I used to get started?
You were electric.
You overwhelmed them with your personality.
- You used to give them the suave smile.
- Yeah?
- The raised eyebrow.
- No.
- The knowing wink.
- Yeah, and then?
No, you're not ready for "and then" yet.
- And that's all there was to it?
- That's all.
Just the suave smile?
- The raised eyebrow?
- Yes.
- The knowing wink?
- That's it.
You almost sold me there, you rascal you.
I'm hooked!
Steady, don't waste none of that.
- I can't get out of it.
- No. Come on.
Listen, I'll check on the tickets,
and you get the bags.
- Bags?
- Yeah, the luggage.
That stuff there. Come on. Look alive!
Let's see. There was a suave smile.
The knowing wink.
And then...
I've got a feeling the "and
then" is the best part.
I hope I'm ready for it.
Do you think we're being watched?
Then we'll have to hurry.
- Have we got time?
- If you work fast.
- I'll do my best.
- Good.
- I've got the room ready at the hotel.
- Good.
- I've made all the arrangements.
- Fine.
- The shades are all drawn.
- Very sensible.
And we can lock the door from the inside.
Good. I'd hate to get a crowd
until I get the hang of it.
So much depends on you.
Are you sure you've done
this sort of thing before?
I must have.
When do we start?
Right now!
Darling, it's so wonderful
to see you again!
- You've got it!
- I know it.
- Don't lose it!
- Don't worry.
- See you at the hotel.
- Pull the shades, lock the door.
- One final thing.
- Yes?
In case I'm late, go ahead without me.
Fine, I'll do that.
- What was that about?
- I think I'm ready for the "and then."
You've passed "and then."
You're all the way up to "How about that?"
I got a date at the hotel with
the shades drawn and the doors locked.
I can't believe this.
She said if she was late,
I should start without her.
Now I believe it.
Come on.
- What are you doing with that?
- You told me it was ours.
Not that one. We'd better put it back.
Come on, we'll be late for the plane.
We may not need the plane.
I think I'm getting it back.
We need the plane.
Babcock and Turner's plane
had already taken off...
when I discovered my mistake.
I also learned that the two men
had booked round-trip tickets...
and would be back within a week.
There was nothing I could do but wait.
I would have been more
anxious if I'd known...
they were heading
for the desolate Kulrabi Mountains...
and the distant fabled
lamasery at Jaipuri.
Well, it's clearing up, isn't it?
Say, Grandpa, we're told you could help us.
My friend here has lost his memory.
I don't remember anything.
I don't remember what money is,
what I did with it...
what girls are and what I did with them.
In life, my brother,
money and girls are not important.
- This guy needs a few weeks in Las Vegas.
- Let me talk to him.
Look, we'd like to negotiate a deal.
- Who's in charge of mental health?
- Mental health?
Who's the boss, the number-one fellow?
Who pays the tab on the pad?
Who signs the scrolls?
The Grand Lama.
Grand Lama.
He's the pro here?
Jack Lama, I think it is.
We'd like to make an appointment.
Very well. Follow me. I will prepare you.
Bring your niblick.
Maybe the house detective.
Please, my sons, do not despair.
Help is never denied those
whose destiny crosses our threshold.
- Come, and we shall see what we can do.
- He may be the man.
You don't win a hat like that
playing mumblety-pegs.
We are administering an ancient and
obscure herb known as Piutus Memoryorus.
In many cases, it has been known to effect
an almost instantaneous recovery.
- Yes, my son?
- It's coming back.
I think I'm beginning to remember.
Great! Now. What's my name?
- Name?
- Yeah. My name.
Har-ry Tru-Tru-Truman.
- Concentrate!
- Harry Concentrate!
- Tur-ner!
- Right! You've got it.
- Harry Turner!
- What's your name?
- Chester Babcock?
- Right.
Chester Babcock.
- A name like that I remember.
- I think he's getting it back.
- Now tell me, how much is two and two?
- Four.
- Four and four?
- Eight.
- Eight and eight?
- Seventeen.
That's our boy again. He's with us again.
And now, my son,
having regained your memory...
you are one of the chosen few...
eligible to experience
the ecstatic joys...
of the Hall of Total Recollection.
You see, those who respond
to the Piutus Memoryorus...
also respond to a still-rarer herb,
the Piutus Bushkinorus.
Piutus Bushkinorus?
You can get that from a bad audience.
Watch it.
You mean these characters here are...
remembering all that's been put
in front of them?
They are, at the moment,
reading and remembering great literature.
That one is remembering the Odyssey.
That one, the Iliad.
And that one, Shakespeare.
What about that one, over there?
What's he remembering?
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
Lady Chatterley's Lover.
He must have the one with pictures.
And I had to leave
my library card in my other robe.
Will this Piutus Bushkinorus work
on my friend Chester here?
Precisely. If you will come with me.
Do you realize what a memory act
we could do with some of this stuff?
- Crazy!
- Just the greatest!
- For the first time, we'd be legitimate.
- Let's not get sickening.
Say, Mister Lama, do you suppose we could
buy a couple of sticks of this stuff?
We want to do this memory act and we...
I'm sorry, my sons, but neither our herbs,
nor those who use them...
are ever allowed to leave the lamasery.
You mean, we have to spend
our lives in this place?
I'm afraid so.
We don't want you to think
we're ungrateful...
but there's nothing that could keep us
in a place like this forever.
Unless it was a couple of
fabulous-looking girls!
Hi, girls.
I'd hate to see the boys.
Come on, watch it.
- Watch the threads.
- Please, I just had this pressed.
Say, you guys like American pictures?
You seen any old road pictures like
Singapore, Zanzibar, Morocco?
You haven't? Well, watch this.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man...
bake a cake as fast as you...
Say, it still works.
- Get the bottle.
- You get the clothes.
Remember. No violence.
Follow them, watch, wait.
And when the occasion permits,
regain the bottle.
It shall be done, Master.
There you are. Buy yourself a blue blade.
Gentlemen, is there anything else?
No, we're fine. Go work on your rope trick.
We might use you on the road.
Yeah, heat up your snake.
There you are, my little
orange-pekoe annuity.
Chester, come down here.
I want you to unfurl the long-and-furry.
You're not well, are you?
We must press on. We gotta test
this stuff to make sure it works.
- What will you test it on?
- We'll find something.
You got a racing form, a summons,
anything on you?
- Here's something.
- What have you got?
I don't know, it's got
numbers and diagrams.
Let me see.
- Where'd you get it?
- Who knows?
Maybe it was that dame at the airport.
The one who wanted a
picture of me in a bikini.
Dreamer. No matter.
If you can memorize this, Chester,
you can memorize anything.
Sit down.
Now then, Chester, flip that fang out
for me, will you, one more time?
I wished I had a book of stamps.
You're a little nervous. This won't hurt.
Lay it right there. There we are.
Did it do anything for you?
- You got it? Ready?
- Got it.
Page one, line six.
"The ratio of the fuel concentration
to the initial escape velocity...
"equals the quadrant X
minus AB to the sixteenth power.
Wonderful, Chester. All
right, page two, line 17.
"Atmospheric density compressed
to the square root of 'Y' plus 5...
"to the power of 11 and a dirty thumb.
What coverage!
- My key, please.
- Certainly, madam.
"centimeters of cubic displacement
per gram of octane distillate.
Finito! Perfecto, Chester! Come on.
Let's get a little bit of fresh air.
Coming out of it? You all right?
Come on, schools out.
- Did I get it all?
- Every word, every gold-plated word.
We're gonna be loaded, Ches boy.
- Don't start with that "Ches boy."
- We've got a fortune here.
- Ln my head?
- The last place anybody would look for it.
You got a mind like a sponge.
Don't get any ideas about
squeezing it, either.
Chester, you're a walking IBM Machine,
a slope-nosed Univac.
From now on, anytime anybody
wants any secret information...
taken from one place to another,
they got to lay it up there.
- Right up there?
- That's the place.
- I carry it around for them?
- Yeah.
If they want any information,
they make a little hole and it leaks out?
So, you're talking about spy rings
and secret agents and things like that.
They got knives, they got guns.
They shoot you with tiny bullets
that put big holes in you.
I know, I watch television!
- I'm going to be there with you.
- For the funeral.
Who do you think they'll shoot...
you or the schnook with
the IBM machine up his Univac.
I'm sorry, get yourself a new schnook.
Look, why don't you get us a nice agent
and book us a nice, legitimate memory act?
Anything wrong...
Hello there.
- Do you remember me?
- I certainly hope so.
The airport.
The airport. Yeah.
You're the girl with the hotel room.
Sorry I couldn't make it.
I hope there's still a vacancy.
We can go to the hotel and
pull the shades and...
Now don't be a sore loser. I'll go.
It's wonderful to be wanted.
- I already have a scar there.
- The papers, please.
- The papers?
- The ones I put in your pocket.
- With the numbers and the diagrams?
- If you please.
We just had a little barbecue here.
You idiots.
Would I be correct in assuming that
this information might have been valuable?
Maybe something that
somebody would pay a lot for...
if somebody could get somebody
to bring it back?
- Don't talk nonsense!
- That's right, don't talk nonsense!
- Yes, but would they?
- Don't talk nonsense.
Are you suggesting that
you have a way of replacing these papers?
Certainly not. And I'll thank you
to put that gun down now and leave.
I don't know who you're mixed up with.
I'll bet they're the kind
to carry guns and knives...
and put holes in people,
and my friend here and I...
will have nothing to do with it.
Leave now.
Do not bother us again.
See you at the bar in five minutes.
Now do you see what I mean?
You're so right, Chester.
And a dame with a gun, yet!
And loaded.
She certainly was!
I told you how dangerous this stuff can be.
You're right as rain.
I'm going downstairs now
and phone New York long distance.
I'm going to get a booking for our act.
That's a great... Wait a minute.
Why don't you use this phone here?
You know you can't make
a long-distance call from a local phone.
Yeah, that's right.
Dames with guns.
And he can deliver it
tomorrow in Hong Kong?
If the price is right, yeah.
Shall we say $10,000?
All right, $20,000.
I'm not one to haggle, but...
Very well, then. $25,000.
That was $25,000?
Are you sure you're not pulling my leg?
Business first, fun and games later.
See you upstairs in about 10 minutes.
Are you kidding me about that booking?
Would I kid you at a time like this?
- This calls for a celebration.
- Right!
How much are we gonna get?
We are gonna get...
- We are going to get...
- $25...
- $25...
- $25...
- $25?
- $2,500.
- $2,500.
- Split right down the middle.
Split right down the middle.
No more of that 80-20 stuff?
No. Share and share alike. Blood brothers.
I'd rather have the money.
It's only fair to tell you
that we are going to have to do...
a little audition for
the Chinese theatre man.
For that money, he's entitled!
You're being big, but
are you ready for this?
- What?
- Wait'll you hear where we'll play.
Do it to me lightly.
Loews Hong Kong.
- Hong Kong!
- Yes, sir.
Dreamy old Hong Kong. Pearl of the Orient.
Bill Holden's sandbox.
Yeah, the almond-eyed Paris.
With the noodles, soy sauce,
and ricky rickshaws.
- The geisha girls give green stamps.
- And the slit skirts have no zippers.
And the dawn comes up like thunder.
- Hong Kong!
- We're on our way.
Can't you see us in a rickshaw
Dropping in on Suzie Wong?
Can't you see the split kimono
On the road to Hong Kong?
Sip a little oolong tea
They'll adore us in our pigtails
Sitting down to play mah-jongg
You and me, on a spree
We'll be right there where we belong
On the road to Hong Kong
Sip a little oolong tea
- Kowloon
- Kowloon
We can't get there too soon
Cause a gal who's cute
Has the cutest lute that
I'm just dying to tune
Sip a little oolong tea
Your father's out there.
How did you get here?
Special Effects.
There's a crazy Chinese incense
That could make a weak man strong
Just a whiff is terrif
Sip a little oolong tea
- It's grand
- Oh, it's great
But try to contemplate
with each Chinese meal
There's a Chinese deal
Tells your future and fate
You are under grave suspicion
Your partner suspects you of dishonesty
Here, it's for you.
No more Turner, no more Babcock
Harry Chan and Chester Fong
Let that Chinese gong
Go ding ding dong
We'll be on the happy road to Hong Kong
Smoke a little hookah, nicotine bazooka
Smoke a little hookah pipe
Come in.
Chester, I want you to tell me everything
that was on those secret papers.
Start at the beginning. Page one, line one.
"Top Secret.
Solid propellant rocket-fuel formula.
"The basic element necessary
in maximum thrust...
"is equal to 679.03
degrees of escape velocity.
Page five, line three.
"The quadrant XY over 2 AB
as applied to the equation 'I'...
There she lies, Chester! Hong Kong!
What a monument to fried rice!
Look at those bamboo
television antennas, will you?
- You got the stuff?
- Yes, got it right here.
I'll take it. I'm still
the treasurer, you know.
With that 80-20 mind of yours, I want
to keep an overlapping grip on my 20.
Chester, when are you
going to learn to trust me?
When I can afford a full-time thief.
Hey, wait a minute!
What are you doing with my bottle?
- Beg pardon, sir, is my bottle.
- That's my bottle!
No, sir. ls very common oriental bottle.
Maybe if you are looking in your pocket?
I'm sorry.
It's quite all right, sir.
Not to worry, sir, not to worry.
We belong to the same bottle club!
Not to worry. Come on, we've got to hurry.
Their route seemed ordinary enough.
Through Kowloon...
on the Star Ferry across
the bay to Victoria...
and then climbing high on the island...
until they reached a secluded estate...
carefully chosen to conceal
the headquarters of our leader.
I don't dig it.
You sure this is where
the guy's gotta see us?
He's a Chinese millionaire.
A little eccentric.
He made this out of vaudeville
and used chopsticks?
He's a big fella.
You can't get a noodle in this town
without going through him.
- No kidding?
- Right.
Sure you got the stuff?
Buster, I've got our passport
to prosperity right here.
And right there.
Bet you never thought you'd have a fortune
riding in the old melon.
Just goes to show you.
Never throw anything away.
Ring the bell.
What did you do, wire ahead?
Silent butler, I guess.
Fancy little layout.
Looks like it's done in early Egg Foo Yung.
It's a funny place for an audition.
Marvelous place for an audition!
Gentlemen, you are expected.
Please, walk this way.
Walk that way?
I could never pass the physical.
Gentlemen, be seated.
What is this, a Chinese minstrel show?
We're dropping. What's going on here?
He probably has a theater in the basement.
What's he showing,
Journey to the Center of the Earth?
We're underwater! That's the ocean!
So? So we spring a little
leak, we'll drown.
You don't have to worry.
You've got a built-in snorkel.
Yeah, but I never use it
outside of my bathtub.
Dig this! Looks like he
just ate Lloyd Bridges.
Don't worry, they don't eat people.
- How about actors?
- We're safe.
Gentlemen, we bid you welcome.
You may rise.
Just like the freeway.
I trust your journey down here
wasn't too uncomfortable?
No, sir, and no disrespect, sir.
I don't want to run your business
but this is a peculiar place for a theater.
Where are the people gonna park?
Another thing...
Gentlemen, our leader is a very busy man.
Would you please proceed with the formula?
Certainly, the sooner the...
- Hey, what's she doing here?
- Who?
Who? Her. Quickdraw McGraw,
the fastest gun in the east!
With her secret papers
and her formulas and...
You went and did it again, didn't you?
You put that stuff on my mind!
You got us mixed up with spies and crooks.
Mr. Babcock.
Will you please stop all
this babbling nonsense?
A deal has been made for which
you've been very handsomely paid.
I know, $2,500.
That's what I said. $25,000.
That's the deal you made with him? $25,000?
You'd make a wonderful black widow spider!
- Now, Chester...
- I am beginning to lose patience.
- Gentlemen, we have to proceed.
- Proceed with him. He made the deal.
Mr. Babcock...
have you any idea of the value
of the formula you carry in your mind?
It may well prove the
salvation of the world.
Salvation of the world?
Yours is no ordinary mind.
In your incredible brain
lies the combined mathematical genius...
of Descartes, Newton,
Da Vinci, Einstein!
All those kids?
- Tell me more.
- Better than that, I'll show you.
You heard what the man said. Come.
Got to see this.
Hey, look! A school for
television repairmen!
I've seen hi-fi, but this is ridiculous!
Now, if you'll take up your position
by the window.
Gentlemen, you are witnessing
the Third Echelon in operation.
Is that Roman candle for real?
In that rocket, we are about to send
two animals around the moon...
and if we succeed, we
shall next send two men.
And from the moon...
from that point of impenetrable power...
I shall go before the United Nations...
and demand that they accede
to our total and absolute control.
I think he rolls his own.
Please, be serious. Now,
we've made a bargain.
Without the fuel formula in Babcock's mind,
we can't be certain of success.
Now please, cooperate.
And without any further delay.
Say, Mr. Ech, I don't want
to sound silly or anything...
and I know it's ridiculous, but
supposing the memory crackers don't work.
What happens then?
I'd rather not discuss that.
That makes two of us.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
Don't be a fool. Where you going?
There's $25,000 in this.
If you leave, you run
out on your fellow man.
That leaves my fellow women!
Don't tell me you're going
to chicken out now!
If necessary, I'll grow feathers!
You might think of your country!
Search your secret soul.
- Ask your patriotic conscience what to do.
- I did.
- What did it say?
- "Yankee, go home."
You two can stay if you
want, but I'm going back.
I'm going back to Hong Kong.
I'm going back to New York...
Where are you going?
Back and tell him the formula.
- Still nothing?
- Don't feel a thing.
It worked beautifully yesterday.
Come on, roll out the gangplank
one more time now, will you?
Don't get panicky, apprehensive,
nervous, anxious or frightened.
I'm not panicky, apprehensive,
nervous, anxious or frightened.
I'm petrified.
Tea, sir. Ordinary Indian tea.
Yeah, but very refreshing in a hot climate.
It can't be tea.
I got it. The guy in the
turban on the plane.
He must have switched the stuff!
We'll get it. Won't take a minute.
We'll be back. Promise you won't go away.
- Can we bring you anything?
- Corn-beef? Rice sundae?
A chow mein pizza?
- Be right back!
- Be right back!
Be right back, yes, sir!
We've received word, the Russians will
attempt a landing on the moon in 48 hours.
- Ls the rocket operative?
- Alls ready, sir.
Alert all personnel!
Start launching preparations!
Yes, sir.
Sir, what about them?
Oh, them.
Yes, I'm afraid we must dispose of them.
How are we gonna get out of this?
You tackle the guys and
I'll subdue the girl.
Sir, there may be an alternative.
If these two men were
to take the place of the two apes...
we'd be that much ahead
in our calculations.
Replace the apes?
That way, our tests would be
on human beings instead of animals.
Gentlemen, you are about to be given...
the greatest opportunity
for immortality...
ever afforded to men on Earth.
In a few moments, that rocket is
going to be sent round the moon.
- And we're going to watch?
- From the inside.
That's great. You know, I always wanted...
- Inside?
- Inside the rocket?
We wouldn't want to take anybody's seat.
You have the wrong kids.
My nose bleeds when I put
my carpet slippers on.
No way.
Don't you see? At least
you can die like heroes.
But we're too old to die.
If you only knew our real ages.
Why, he's...
Prepare them for flight.
Prepare for flight?
Prepare for flight.
They won't get away!
Remember baby.
Get those apes out of their spacesuits.
- Dead end.
- This way.
There must be some way out of this trap.
Here, let's get into these things.
Looks like Liberace's underwear.
These are diving suits.
We'll walk to Hong Kong!
No stopovers. I'm going straight
through to San Francisco.
How are you doing there?
Okay, but this guy must have had
pretty long arms.
He could tie his shoes without bending.
I think my guy must have had
his transmission lowered.
Hey, you've got your own rumble seat.
Look at that!
Who followed me then? Get your hat.
- Did your girdle slip?
- Get your hat, let's get out of here.
This guy wasn't exactly
a perfume salesman, either.
My guy had a few friends.
Come on, let's go.
- I can't straighten up.
- Regular cement jungle gym.
Here, this way, over here.
There's no door, no handle!
- How do we get out of here?
- This way!
Zorbb, is the rocket
prepared for launching?
- We're at the ready, sir.
- Activate the countdown.
This is a final warning to all personnel.
The rocket is operational.
Begin your countdown.
Why do you suppose they're sending us up?
They want to find out
if it's going to be safe for the apes.
Two, one, zero!
This is the critical moment.
Their bodies are subject to the
tremendous pull of gravitational force.
Have you got a headache?
I would have, but I
haven't got room for it.
What is their position now?
Excellent. Altitude, 120 miles.
They've escaped the Earth's
gravitational pull.
What provision has been made to guarantee
the men's comfort and tranquility?
We didn't have time to
change the equipment.
They'll have to use
the same tranquilizing devices...
that we planned for the apes.
Put them into operation.
What's gone wrong?
They're passing through
an uncharted magnetic field.
Their tranquilizing machines
may go out of sequence.
Can you correct it?
Then stop it.
I'll never look at another banana split.
Well, Zorbb?
Their progress is very satisfactory.
Their altitude is 23,800 miles.
Gentlemen, may I have
your attention, please?
You are now in the upper stratosphere, on
course, and proceeding to your destination.
You may feel free to walk about
and engage in any normal activity.
Let's case this bullet.
This thing must be running on the rim!
Hey, look!
What's that?
Could be my stomach!
Buck up.
Don't press it.
- The rocket's going off course!
- It's angled for the moon!
Will they crash?
- Do something, Zorbb.
- I'm trying.
What's that big white thing coming at us?
That's the moon.
I wonder if this thing
has an emergency cord.
Stop worrying.
If we get to the moon first,
we'll clean up on real estate.
You've got to change course.
The lunar glare is dangerous.
It can affect them mentally.
You'd better cover up.
That stuff's awful bright.
"The square root of 17 times 'x'
to the 22nd power over the quotient of 'Y'"
Get away from there.
- What was that stuff you were saying?
- Stuff?
We're getting closer.
Mechanical gyrations.
I think we're gonna crash!
Well done, Zorbb.
Now then, bring them back to Earth.
Show me their probable point of reentry.
Are you sure you can keep track of them?
Let's see.
98 degrees solar longitude,
48 degrees spatial latitude.
There we are!
They're heading right for Hong Kong.
Release the parachute!
Submarine 'B, ' embark immediately.
Well done. Indeed, both of you.
I'm so glad you found your way back to us!
It's nothing.
I hope you won't mind my own personal way
of welcoming our first astronauts.
It sure beats being kissed by Khrushchev.
And you, too, Chester...
honored hero of the Third Echelon.
"Top Secret. Rocket fuel formula.
"The basic element necessary
in maximum thrust is equivalent to Mach 5.
"Atmospheric density is equal
to 4-5 'x' times the square root of...
"679 degrees of escape velocity...
"of the times 28 escape velocity...
Take them to their quarters.
Zorbb, are you quite
sure you have a drug...
that will release the formula
from this idiot's mind?
Diane, my dear, your
bringing these men here...
has been a service of inestimable value.
Not only will Babcock's
brain, such as it is...
give us the precious fuel formula...
their bodies will provide
vital information...
to combat the hazards
of future space travel.
Their bodies, sir?
Certainly. Microscopic tests
of their vital organs.
After you've gotten the formula,
then you're going to dissect them?
Purely in the interests of science.
That means that they must die.
Only that millions may live.
But, sir, it seems unnecessarily cruel.
Science is often cruel, Diane.
I don't like human sacrifice
any more than Dr. Zorbb.
Do you, Zorbb?
On the whole, I dislike it, sir.
You see?
But our duty to our fellow men
demands that we set aside...
all personal feeling and sentimentality.
Surely, you must see that.
Yes, sir. I suppose I do.
Very well. Now then, first things first.
How do we get the formula?
First, they must be completely
unaware of our plans.
Before we can work on them...
they'll have to be in a state
of tranquility and relaxation.
I see.
Everything that can pacify, tranquilize...
bring joy to the hearts of two men
such as these must be provided.
So it will.
Ming Toy, dear girl.
A little higher, to the right, please.
Hit me, Poon Soon.
If I find out this is
fattening, I'll kill myself.
You'll have to get a softer brush.
You're bruising me.
Is this heaven?
Yeah. And I don't even remember dying.
You know, I feel like a contest winner.
But it's a little wearing.
Another two or three hours of this,
and I may have to get my lips re-treaded.
The master says they're ready upstairs.
If he thinks they're ready upstairs,
he should be down here.
Bring him!
Bring what?
What kind of a caper is this?
Now be careful.
Please! Don't drop any of the goodies!
Where are you going with the team?
I don't know, but if I'm not back
in two or three hours, don't send help.
I'll muddle through somehow.
It's rough.
Hello there.
- Are you quite comfortable?
- Sure.
You have everything you want?
A little soft music. That'd be clever.
Of course.
You know, about 30 or 40 violins throbbing.
That's very moody.
You think a little soft
lighting would be effective?
Hit it.
Yes, now we're building.
We want you to be as happy as you can
before you leave us.
When's that gonna be?
I'm afraid very soon.
Any chance you cutting out with me?
Sorry, that's just not possible.
I got a hunch that you and I
could make it pretty good.
- Please, stop saying those things.
- Why?
Because it just doesn't make sense.
I don't see why everything
has to make sense.
People like us have got to make sense
and be practical and logical.
Let's not be sensible
Let's not be practical
Let's just start acting
Like people in love
Others may run
From romances
But I for one
Want to take the fun
And the chances
We could be so comfortable
If you'd be affable
One kiss could leave me
As limp as a glove
Anything else we'd think of
ls incomprehensible
Let's not be sensible
Let's just start falling in...
Let's please be sensible
Let's please be practical
Let's not start acting like
People in love
Anything else
We'd think of
ls incomprehensible
Let's not be sensible
Let's just start falling in...
Let's please
Be sensible
Let's please...
Report to the laboratory immediately.
Yes, sir.
- Hey!
- Not now.
- When?
- Later.
- Where?
- My apartment.
Okay, I'll be there.
I can't understand it.
We know he has the formula on his mind.
When Dr. Zorbb administered the drug,
he remembered nothing and fell to sleep.
Do you remember what you did
when he spoke those few lines of formula?
Yes, I just moved in to him, like this,
and kissed him on the cheek, like that.
The earrings!
Don't you see? Moon-shaped earrings.
He's suffering from moonomania.
Yes, it's a conditioned reflex
that crystallizes his superego...
allowing the unconscious
to come through.
You mean he's susceptible
to any image of the moon?
Particularly when his attention
is sharply focused.
His mind is in a peculiar state of balance.
Any undue strain and he could easily
be pushed into a state of lunacy.
Then we'd lose the formula forever.
Well, how do we proceed?
- Sir?
- He'll be brought to your quarters.
I needn't tell you what
this means to the cause.
I don't have to say any more, do I?
- You'll get the formula, sir.
- Good girl.
Come in.
Where am I? How did I get here?
What am I doing here?
Why am I asking these silly questions?
- You're here because I requested you.
- Good thinking.
Don't you think it's about time
you and I really got to know each other?
We're overdue.
Do you have any idea
of the kind of woman I really am?
No, but I have high hopes.
I'll tell you what I'm like.
I know what I want when I see what I want.
And when I see what I want, I want it.
- Do you see it?
- I see it.
- You want it?
- I want it.
You got it.
You mind if I move a little closer?
Live a little.
Chester, you're such a dear, sweet man.
Brave, masculine, irresistible.
I don't know.
I'm just your ordinary, everyday astronaut.
Don't be modest.
You know, Chester,
you're the sort of man that I could love.
Could you?
Yes, I could, Chester.
I could love you, body and soul.
They're available, in that order.
Hold me, Chester. Hold me closer.
She'll get the formula at any moment now.
Start the recording.
Talk to me, Chester.
Talk is for amateurs.
You're working with a pro.
Please, just talk to me.
Well, pick a subject.
What did you think of me,
that first day at the airport?
I took one look at you and I knew that...
"the quadrant of the escape velocity...
"equals the speed of trajectory
minus the initial thrust...
"so that the combustion ratio
of the higher-octane fuel element...
Go on, darling.
What happens when you think about me?
When I think of you, I think of...
"dual carburetors.
Dual carburetors?
"Marvelous dual carburetors...
"which will enable the intake
manifold to accelerate dynamically.
Yes, what does that do, Chester?
"Increases escape velocity.
Those carburetors!
Don't stop, Chester. Keep talking.
Those dual carburetors...
Yes, Chester?
"which relieve the digital computers...
"and the escape velocity...
Go on, Chester.
I'd rather go back to dual carburetors.
What happens next, Chester?
"The escape velocity reaches
three times the speed of sound...
How much more?
He's nearing the final phase.
But I'm getting concerned about Diane.
She's showing dangerously
sentimental tendencies.
Chester, you're such a dear.
Please, hold me closer.
I want to marry you. I want the whole bit.
Because I love you. I love your eyes.
I love your skin, I love your...
"dual carburetors.
Do you really?
"And when your lower octane component
mixes with your nuclear distillate...
"on a ratio three times the quotient...
"of your reverse thrust manipulator...
Brave Chester, pathetic Chester.
"which is equal to...
Doomed Chester.
"the sum of your numerators
multiplied by your square roots.
Believe me, you've got
the squarest roots I've ever seen.
No, stop! I can't let you go on anymore!
Yes, sir.
You will come to the office at once!
Yes, sir.
Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?
I have to go. But Chester...
Dear, sweet, darling, adorable Chester.
Comes through, doesn't it?
Trust me, and you'll come to no harm.
Trust me, and I make no promises.
I'll be back.
You beast. You've still
got it, haven't you?
I may package it and call
it Instant Charm.
Darling, back already?
You brought flowers. That's unnecessary.
What are you doing here?
I just fell off a porpoise.
I thought I'd pop in and
borrow a cup of rice.
That's nice, but I'm saving all my rice
for a forthcoming wedding.
How sweet, how terribly sweet.
Then Diane has told you about us.
Yes, and better luck with the next girl.
I have a late flash for you, junior.
I happen to be here by invitation of the
lovely occupant of this cozy little pad.
I'll tell her when she comes back.
- You'll tell her?
- Thanks for these.
Where are you going with the greenery?
Just a minute.
That's nice. Don't call us, we'll call you.
And use the servants' entrance, will you?
You were acting directly against my orders.
I couldn't help it, sir.
I knew that the moment I had the formula
they both had to die.
An hour ago, she flipped over me.
- I don't dig it.
- That's understandable.
An impressionable young thing
falls for an elderly fellow.
She probably thought you
were a father figure.
Father figure?
Yes, then she realized
you had your father's figure.
That's clever, that's very good.
Kind of fit, didn't it?
- Please.
- What's the matter?
Don't do that. We find it difficult
getting help down here in the deep.
- I still don't understand.
- We have to be tidy.
She was there, I sang the song,
everything seemed to be...
Look, Harry, sit down.
Let me give you the scam on romance.
You see, some fellas have it...
- Yeah?
- And some fellas don't.
When I get back from my honeymoon,
if I have an hour or two...
I may loan you some.
Yeah, I'll have it analyzed.
Yes, well don't take it too hard.
I want you to stay for the wedding...
because after all,
we'll need a fat flower girl and I think...
Diane, I want the truth.
The plain, dispassionate, unadorned truth.
Why did you stop?
You were within two sentences of getting
the complete formula off Babcock's mind.
I couldn't help it, sir.
I kept seeing them on
the operating table...
being dissected, organ by organ.
That's the last time I get mixed up
with a med student.
- C'mon, let's blow!
- Wait. Look!
Please, sir, won't you spare them?
You seem to have grown
inordinately fond of these men.
Yes, it's true.
I do like them both, very much.
How about that?
This kid's in trouble.
Personal sentimentality has
no place in our movement.
Surely, sir, humanity demands...
I'll decide what humanity demands,
and I'll decide it my own way.
I'll deal with humanity as I please,
and I'll do with humanity as I choose!
And I'll do it from the moon
with my radial-lunar bombs!
Surely you don't intend to use those bombs!
Just enough to rid us of the tiresome
unemployed, the tedious, unwashed masses.
I'll level London and New York,
Rome and Moscow...
Paris and Tokyo, outmoded centers
of a decadent civilization.
I'll rebuild the world according to my
image, after my own specifications!
How about this guy?
We get killed and he wins an Academy Award.
Sounds more like Adolf than Oscar.
Let's get out of here.
You're stark, raving mad.
But not blind.
I can still recognize a traitor. Seize her.
Can we get the formula
off that idiot's mind without her?
For the final equation,
any moon symbol will do.
Very well, then. Dispose
of our little friend.
See that the sharks are not kept waiting.
- How do we get out of here?
- The submarine. I can handle it.
I know. I read the script.
Come on.
Attention! Emergency!
All security personnel!
Babcock, Turner and Diane have escaped.
Apprehend them and get the rest of
the formula from Babcock...
and I don't care how.
Cover that side. You go up there.
Wait, over there!
Weve got to get out of these clothes!
Yeah, if we could only
get something like that.
That's no problem.
Hey, Special Effects!
Us, them!
Hey, thanks! You saved
us doing a whole scene!
You see, we'd have to...
Here they are!
We've got to get to the police!
- How far?
- Two blocks.
- No!
- No way to get through there.
There must be something we can do.
The rickshaw. It's our only chance!
- Grab the poles, quick!
- Okay. Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
How come I always pull and you always ride?
Nature of the relationship.
Brains versus brawn.
You think you've got the brains?
- How much is two and two?
- Four.
- Four and four?
- Eight.
- Eight and eight?
- Get in.
Hey! Which way?
Got a match?
Never mind.
Hung up, eh?
That's what you get
for playing in these Chinese Westerns.
They'll string 'em up every time.
Here we go again!
Let's hide in here!
There's only one thing to do.
You've got to get Chester out of Hong Kong.
Go take the first plane.
How? We've no money...
I've got $500 in a locker
at the airport for an emergency.
Take the key, I'll try
and reach the police.
Meanwhile, good luck, and goodbye.
You, too, Chester.
Take care of yourself,
because if anything happens to your...
"thrust propellant ratio
of the atmospheric density...
Good luck.
You two, cover that side of the street.
Come on. In here.
You select which fish you want,
I give good Chinese meal.
I'll take that one.
Let's get out. There must be a back way.
- You got the key?
- Right here.
- Give it to me.
- What for?
- I'm still the treasurer.
- So?
So if the stuff's still in the treasurer's head,
the key is in the treasurer's hand, so give it.
- Very clever.
- Why didn't you hand it to me?
You blew the stuff.
- Who's got it?
- I think that one.
He's heavier. See how he acts?
- The one that looks like Jackie Gleason?
- No.
I think it was that one.
- Which one was it?
- Which one's got the key?
- Who knows? We'll have to buy them all.
- With what? We have no money.
We'll borrow them. This one, right here.
Here, what you do with my fish?
- You the proprietor here?
- Ah, so.
Mr. Ahso. Say, you got
pretty filthy joint here.
How many cockroaches you got
in your kitchen? 400? 500?
I no have 400 cockroaches!
Fine, let's say 300.
How long it's been
since you clean your chopstick?
Board of Health gets very mad at this.
Board of Health?
That's why we're here, to give you
protection. We're with the FBl.
Fish Protectors Incorporated.
Fish Protector, FPI.
What do you want, spelling or protection?
What's the matter?
You want to dance or something?
No, I just nervous.
I nervous about the Halibut Mob.
They come from Macao with
a big load of smelt.
- You smell smelt here?
- No smell smelt.
You no smell smelt?
Of all the smelt I ever smelled...
this is the schmeltiest
schmeller of the year.
I no smell smelt.
You don't? Well, there's something
wrong with your schmelt schmeller.
There's something funny here.
How come you dress like Chinee?
You no Chinee.
- I no Chinee?
- You no look Chinee.
What you say, I no look Chinee?
Your eye and hair no look Chinee.
I have operation, very expensive.
I have eye fix, push-in.
And I have hair fix.
Should have nose fix.
You stick to your
cockroaches, you understand?
Hey, the boat's loaded. Let's sail.
Don't get your protection
from anybody else.
Hey, you steal my fish!
There they are. Come on!
Come. This way!
- We're cooked.
- The end of the road.
No way out.
- You hear what I hear?
- It's Dorothy Lamour!
- She'll get us out.
- You think so?
Certainly. You can't finish
the picture in the alley. Come on!
Okay, fella. Just looking for somebody.
There she is. Dottie!
Well, boys! What in the world
are you doing over here in Hong Kong?
We're in a terrible jam.
Help us. Some guys are chasing us.
Killers. If you don't save us,
there'll be blood all over the screen.
Don't fight it. Look what
it did for Spartacus.
You've got to help us, we're still pals.
You can't forget the
pictures we made together!
Neither can anyone else.
That's why I'm working over here!
They sure don't look like chorus boys!
Those guys mean business. They're killers.
Besides that, they're unfriendly.
You see, the key is in the fish.
We're trying to get to the locker,
and we've got the formula...
Wait a minute!
Is that the plot of the picture so far?
I'd better hide you.
- From the killers?
- From the critics.
Come on, there's only one safe place.
On stage.
Come on, get dressed.
- Right in there.
- Yeah, in there.
You never want to have any fun!
Check the front of the house.
The world is a shimmering thing
My lover is hastening to me
The night is a glimmering thing
And I, the envy of all who view me
Soon the music will start
ls that the door
Or my heart?
You smile that angel smile at me
And presto!
There's that chemistry
I'm warmer than a whisper
I don't know what it is you do
But every time I'm close to you
I'm warmer than a whisper
On the outside it could be December
Winter just having its fling
But you've got me glowing like an ember
For here in your arms, it's spring
And when you bring your lips to mine
I'm blushing like a valentine
And sighing like a willow
Although it sounds a bit insane
I'm misty just like summer rain
From above
If they ask me to explain the magic
The wonders your kisses perform
I'll simply say it's always May
So let the winds get crisper
I'm warmer than a whisper
And all because you whisper
I'm warmer than a whisper
And all because you whisper of love
On the outside it could be December
Winter just having its fling
But you've got me glowing like an ember
For here in your arms it's spring
The thrust propellant's ratio
to atmospheric density
ls 6-4-3-2-7
Operator, this is an emergency.
Get the American Security Headquarters!
Specific gravitation has
a pull that is equivalent
To 9-3-5-11
But he's giving the formula
to them now. Listen!
For the final setting of the mixture
Add hydrogen 6-2, and then
The rocket's ready now to blast off
Set ignition lever
And start the final countdown from 10
Come on, no.
Come on, before they blow up the world!
- What world?
- You sang the formula!
- I did?
- Yes, and in my key!
- No!
- Yes, a little flat, too, you copycat.
Come on, get in there
where I hung your clothes up.
- Hurry up!
- It's dark in here!
Watch the window. See
if the coast is clear.
- Okay.
- You've got the coldest hands.
They're driving off in their cars now.
You'd better hurry.
Sweet Leilani!
- Well, Bloody Mary!
- You look so funny.
You're choking me!
Let's change into our right clothes.
You won't have time! Change in the car.
- What car?
- Mine. A tan Buick, outside.
Honey, we'll never forget you for this!
Call on us anytime.
The next time I need fresh fish.
We'll have these cleaned
and send them back.
What's the matter?
Didn't you ever see a Buick before?
It's absolute madness!
You heard what he said.
They've got the formula.
We've got to stop that rocket.
Two cars. You lead the way!
Gentlemen, I wish you the best of luck.
The rocket is ready for countdown.
We await only the formula.
Sir, I have it!
- The formula?
- Every word complete.
How long will it take to
adjust the fuel mixture?
- A matter of seconds.
- Very well.
In a few moments, you
will enter the rocket.
I shall trigger the bombs from here.
- All set!
- Take your position in the rocket.
- Not today, Porky!
- Not on your sister's cat's lavaliere!
Hey, wait!
Get them!
Thank heavens, you're safe!
Hey, wait a minute!
Get away from that panel!
Do something!
That rocket's loaded with atomic bombs!
Sorry, sir. Can't do a thing.
We've got to change course
or we'll blow up the world!
Help me!
They've turned it.
- Look! They're heading for another planet!
- Yes. Plutonius.
- Plutonius? Can they live there?
- Possible.
Is there any chance of
ever getting them back again?
Not a chance.
I'm afraid they'll be there
for the rest of their natural lives.
Well, all we can do then is wish them luck.
Nothing but rocks.
What a spot for an Irish picnic!
Lots of fresh water up there.
Crazy looking plants.
Outside of that,
Nothingville, South Dakota.
- So here we are, stuck for life.
- Just the three of us.
At least we'll survive.
We've got everything we need,
water, sunshine, food.
- Everything except people.
- Correction. I have people.
No, drop the candy counter.
Where are you going?
You'll find something female.
Some attractive plant life,
some friendly grass.
Why don't you go climb a peak?
Climb a peak, see if you can flag down
a gooney bird or something.
Don't tear it!
Wait a minute!
There must be some sensible
solution to this problem.
Well, of course there is!
Two fellas, one girl.
Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays,
you come to my house.
Yes. Tuesdays, Thursdays
and Saturdays, my house.
- What about Sunday?
- Everybody rests.
Yes, that housework is murder.
I'm not sure I quite understand.
Really, it's all very simple.
We three wind up together, it's teamwork!
In foul or sunny weather, it's teamwork!
This strange Design for Living
does not seem right
It's gonna take teamwork
Day and night
'Cause you're a pal,
this time we share the gal
You've lifted my morale
Can it be done?
And what fun!
The team is now a trio, it's teamwork!
Two Caesars, and one Cleo, it's teamwork!
This time it's 50-50
like friend to friend
It's gonna be teamwork!
That peaches-and-cream work
That makes-your-eyes-gleam work
That doesn't quite seem work
That right-on-the-beam work
Lookit here!
The Italians have landed!
- That's the grape and the twig.
- And they've got the bar open.
Let's break it up, those tourists!
What's going on here?
What are you guys doing here?
This is a local stop, isn't it?
Just dropped by to refuel.
We heard you're stuck for an end,
so we'll pull a few threads together.
Do it on your own loom.
Say, this is a lost planet.
How did you guys get here?
Special Effects.
Special Effects! How long
are you fixing to stay?
Haven't even thought about it.
- Shall we think about it?
- Let's.
That's long enough! Hey, Special Effects!
I said it's 50-50, like friend to friend
It's gonna be teamwork!
That peaches-and-cream work!
You can't beat that teamwork
Two fellas with teamwork
Those buddies with teamwork
Two chappies with teamwork
Hey, wait! Wait a minute!
Remember what we said?
Look, you got your 80, at least give me 20!
Hey, breathe awhile.
Hey, you, the phone, you're
wanted on the phone.
Special Effects!
No! Not me! Him, you fool!
How many times have I told you?
You gotta have teamwork
That peaches-and-cream work
You gotta have teamwork to the end