The Santa Clause (1994) Movie Script

Ho-ho-ho! | Merry Christmas!
Hey, guys!
- Ho! Merry Christmas. | - Thanks. | - Hey!
Ladies and gentlemen, | can I have your attention?
This has been our best year ever | thanks to Do-lt-All-For-You-Dolly.
A-And I think we should give | a special thanks to the people...
responsible for our | record-breaking sales,
our Midwest marketing | and distribution team,
- Scott Calvin and Susan Perry! | - Yeah!
Let's hear it for 'em! | Come on!
Susan, darling, come on up here. | Aren't they adorable?
Say a few words.
Thank you very much. | This was really a team effort,
and I would just want to thank | every one of you individually--
But we don't have time | for that, do we?
In all seriousness, | um, here at B&R Toys,
we're not just about makin' | a profit in quality toys.
We're also about families.
But our families aren't | here with us right now.
Which is probably why Johnson's | secretary is sittin' in his lap.
You guys have a great party, | have a great year.
Drive safe. | Thanks very much.
Aren't they wonderful?
Laura, I was hopin' to catch you | before you'd left your house.
I ran real late today. You wouldn't | believe the traffic out here.
Yeah, same to you! | And that's not very ladylike!
Anyway, I'll try to get | to my house as soon as I can.
Oh, there's the problem right there.
Three car pile-up. | I'm really gonna be late.
Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells | All seem to sing throw cares away
Christmas is here bringing good cheer | To young and old, meek and the bold
Ding dong and dong, balance in song | Ring joyful ring, all caroling
One seems to hear words of good cheer | from everywhere filling the air
Oh, how they pound, raising the sound | go hand in hand calling in the town
Gaily they ring while people sing | songs of good cheer, Christmas is here
Merry, merry, merry | merry Christmas
Merry, merry, merry | merry Christmas
On we will sing, dawn with a hymn | Angel will come to every home
Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells | All seem to sing throw cares away
Hark, carol bells, sweet silver bells | one seems to hear words of good cheer
From everywhere, filling the air | Oh, how they pound, raising the sound
Go hand in hand | Calling in the town
Gaily they ring while people sing | songs of good cheer, Christmas is here
Merry, merry, merry | merry Christmas
Merry, merry, merry | merry Christmas
On we will sing, dawn with a hymn | Angel will come to every home
On we will sing, dawn with a hymn | Angel will come to every home
Ding dong ding
All right. Let's go.
- Bye, Charlie. | - Bye, Neal.
- Oh, sorry I'm late. Hi. | - Hi.
- Did you want to come in for a minute? | - Neal's waiting in the car, so--
- Why doesn't he come in? | - 'Cause, Daddy, he says you'll | just end up saying something snotty.
Not necessarily. Could be rude | or sarcastic. Whatever it takes.
- See? I gotta go. Here. | - Oh, come on. Come on.
Christmas Eve. | Just for a minute.
Watch those steps. | They're real slippery.
- Ooh! | - Told ya.
- So-- | - Well--
- You goin' to your mom's for dinner? | - Actually, we're gonna be | with Neal's family.
Ah, Christmas at the pound.
There aren't that many | presents over there.
Well, that's because | Santa isn't here yet.
Neal doesn't believe | in Santa.
Well, Neal's head | comes to a point.
-He's smart. He's a doctor. | -He's not a doctor. He's a psychiatrist.
Take your coat off. | You're stickin' around, aren't ya?
I'll be right there. | Just a sec.
- I just want to-- | - Did that jerk tell Charlie | there was no Santa Claus?
What? No. Oh, Charlie came home | from school the other day in tears,
because some big kid told him | there was no such thing as Santa.
And, you know Neal. | Well, he sat him down and--
He told him that | there was a Santa Claus.
Well, all he said was that | Santa was more like a feeling.
You know, more like | a state of mind than a person.
Kind of like Neal. | And who gave you permission | to tell Charlie there's no Santa Claus?
I think if we're gonna destroy our son's | illusions, I should be a part of it.
- Yeah, but you're never around, | are you, Scott? | - Oh, oh, please.
Listen, all we are trying to do is | give Charlie a firm grasp on reality.
That's a good idea. You don't want kids | runnin' around usin' their imaginations.
Oh, yeah. This from the guy responsible | for the Do-lt-All-For-You-Dolly.
- Leave her out of this. | - Don't you burp me, don't you change me
- I'm the dolly-- | - Why do you guys always have to fight?
I, uh, swear we're not fighting. | It's your mom's singing.
It sounds a lot like fighting, | doesn't it? Cats even.
The trouble is, Neal and your mom, | they don't believe in Santa | because they were real naughty.
Which is why they'll probably get | lumps of coal in their stockings.
I don't know. It seems kind of babyish | to believe in that kind of stuff.
What are you talkin' about? I believe | in Santa Claus. I'm not a baby.
- Well-- | - Maybe it's time you left.
We don't want to keep | Dr Pinhead waiting.
Come here.
Do I gotta stay?
Listen, you and your daddy are | gonna have a great Christmas, okay?
- Will you pick me up tomorrow? | - Of course.
- Early? | - Yes.
We're talking sunup? | You're here?
You'll be fine. Ah, merry | Christmas, Charlie. I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
- You be a good boy, okay? | - Bye, Mom.
Four hours?
I'm dreamin' | of a white Christmas
- Your Christmas will be perfect-- | - Just like the ones I used to know
...with its own | built-in turkey timer.
Where those treetops | glisten
-And now, we return to the most | cherished of Christmas stories, | -And children listen
- Miracle On 34th Street, | starring Natalie Wood and-- | - To hear sleigh bells in the snow--
That is exactly why you want | a high-quality fire extinguisher | right in the kitchen.
Those flames | were really big, Dad.
- Yeah, turkey's funny that way. | - Dad!
It's done.
You like osso buco, Charlie? | They're closed.
You know, Neal's | a real good cook.
Yeah, and you should see him | walk on water.
- You don't like him | very much, do ya, Dad? | - Charlie, yeah--
I was joking, okay? I'm sorry. | I was just kiddin' around.
I like him a lo-- Yeah, sure, | I like him. You know, there--
There's just something | about him that makes me wanna--
Lash out irrationally?
- Where did you hear that? | - From Neal.
I learn a lot from him. | He listens to me.
Yeah. Then he | charges ya for it.
I'm dreaming
- Of a white Christmas | - All right. Denny's.
- Just like the ones I used to know | - It's always open. | - I don't wanna eat here.
- What are you talkin' about? | Everybody likes Denny's. | - Where those treetops
- It's an American institution. | - Glisten
- Are you with Hatsutashi? | - No!
- Dad burnt the turkey. | - Oh, yeah. This way. Come on.
- Right over there. | - Thank you.
- Here we go. | - Burn the turkey?
- Coffee? | - No, thank you, Judy.
What do you say we start out | with cold glasses...
of delicious seasonal | favourite eggnog?
- I don't like eggnog. | - We're out.
- Coffee. Decaf. | - Mm-hmm.
- I'll have chocolate milk, please. | - We're out.
- Plain milk's fine. | - Okay.
- At least we know | they got hot apple pie. | - We did.
This is nice.
"And Mama in her kerchief | and I in my cap...
- I'm dreaming | - "had just settled down | for a long winter's nap.
- Of a white | - "When out on the lawn, | there arose such a clatter,
- Christmas | - "l sprang from my bed | to see what was the matter.
"Away to the window | I flew like a flash.
"With a miniature sleigh and St. | Nich-- and Prancer and Dancer--
...and to all a good night."
- What's that? | - What's what?
"A Rose Suchak ladder"?
It's not a ladder. | I said, "arose such a clatter."
It means, eh, | "came a big noise."
Charlie, "arose" is a word | that means "it came,"
and "clatter" | is a big noise.
Now, please, go to sleep. | Shut your eyes.
How do reindeer fly? | They don't have any wings.
- Fairy dust? | - That's from Peter Pan, Dad.
- Horns. | - Antlers.
Whatever. | Their, uh, antlers give them--
You know, ther-- ther-- there's | a slipstream effect-- The air go--
T-They move fa-- | They're weightless.
- But if Santa's so fat, how | did he get down the chimneys? | - He sucks it in like Grandpa.
But what about people | who don't have fireplaces? | How does he get into their house?
Charlie, sometimes believing | in something means you--
means you just | believe in it.
Santa uses reindeer to fly because | that's how he has to get around.
But you do believe | in Santa, right, Dad?
Of course I believe in Santa. | Now, please, go to sleep.
- Dad? | - What is it, Charlie?
Maybe you better leave some cookies | and milk out, just in case, okay?
Great. I'll just go | preheat the oven.
And don't forget | the fire extinguisher.
Good night, Charlie.
Now, settle down there.
Dad! Dad!
- W-What? | - I heard a clatter.
- What, Charlie? | - There! A clatter!
- Charlie, what are you talkin' about? | - You know, "it came a big noise."
It's coming from outside.
Charlie, it's just | the wind or somethin'.
Come on. | Let's go back to bed.
- Somebody's on the roof. | - Maybe it's Santa.
Not now, Charlie. | I want you to sit here, | and I want you to stay right there.
- Charlie, do you know how to call 911? | - Sure. 911.
Yeah. Great. Stay there.
- Hey, you! | - What's that--
Whoa! Whoa! Wh-Whoa!
Whoo-hoo! | Hey, buddy.
All right, you should | just stay still. Perfect.
- You got him! | - Charlie, stay where you are.
Charlie, would you listen to me? | Stay up there!
It is Santa! | You killed him.
Did not. | And he's not Santa.
Well, he was.
He's got some l.D. | on him, I bet.
Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just | lookin' for your identification.
Once I figure out who ya are, I'll-- | I'll give you a lift back to the mall.
"lf something should | happen to me, put on my suit. | The reindeer will know what to do."
Yeah, right.
- Dad! | - Hey.
He disappeared.
- Whoa! | - He's naked somewhere.
- You gonna put on the suit | like the card said? Are you? | - No. No.
- Come on, Dad. I wanna go too. | - Stop it, Charlie. | We're not goin' anywhere.
- You never do what I wanna do! | - Would you please be quiet for a minute | so I can figure this out?
Reindeer up on the roof. | Santa suit layin' on the ground.
Guy fell. Not my fault.
Reindeer on the roof. | That is hard to explain.
It's the ladder.
Where the hell'd | this come from?
Look here, Dad. | "The Rose Suchak Ladder Company."
- Huh? | - "Out by the roof | there's a Rose Suchak ladder."
- Just like the poem. | - Just like the poem?
Charlie, come on down from there. | Charlie, get down from there!
Dad! You gotta see this!
- Don't touch anything! | - It's great!
I'm just gonna call the police. | I'll carry this stuff up there. | Let them deal with it, okay?
Whoa! This guy was huge.
Dad, isn't this neat?
Charlie. Charlie! | Stay away from those things.
They're reindeer. | You don't know where they've been.
They all look like | they've got key lime disease.
Easy, Rudolph.
Excuse me, Comet.
Dad! Check out Santa's sleigh.
There's no such thing | as Santa's sleigh.
- Sure there is. You said | you believed in Santa, right? | - I did? I do.
What about the reindeer? | These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
I hope not. | These are, uh,
a gift.
Probably from | the cable company.
We're getting the Disney Channel now. | Merry Christmas.
- Now, hop out of there, please. | - I don't wanna go.
Listen, Charlie. | I'm not kidding. Let's go!
- Whoa! Whoa! | - Yeah! Let's go! Whoa!
Charlie! Hold on, Charlie!
Giddyap, Comet! | Whoa, let's go!
Dad! Climb up here!
There we go!
So, uh, if we go straight | on this road, and we hit l-94--
Well, we made good time. | Now what do we do?
- Get the bag of toys. | - And do what?
- Go down the chimney. | - Down the chimney?
You want me to take | the toys down the chimney...
into a strange house | in my underwear?
No. You gotta | put the suit on first.
You know what we're gonna do | is we're gonna get outta here,
because this whole thing | is stupid.
How come everything | I wanna do is stupid?
I didn't say that.
Freezing my nubs off out here, and you | want me to get into a Santa costume.
This is great. | A Santa costume.
Oh, this thing. | You never know where it's been.
A thousand malls.
Well, I hope you're happy, Comet. | Hope you're happy. But most of all,
I hope the guy that | lives here is a tailor!
Nice coat.
Well, how do I look? Nice?
- You forgot the sash. | - You're right.
This completes the ensemble.
All right. Got my boots.
Now I've got the suit on. | How am I supposed to know what to leave?
- Maybe there's a list. | - A list. How silly of me.
Of course there's a list.
Careful, Dad!
- I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay! | - Look! You're flying!
It's okay. I'm used to it. | I lived through the '60s.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Nice teeth.
Who's down there?
It's the holidays. | Come on. Come on.
Charlie, I need | a little help down here!
Whoa! How'd you do that? | What'd it feel like, Dad?
It felt like | America's Most Wanted.
Now, pull me in, quick. | We gotta get outta here.
Thanks. We gotta go home. | How do you start this thing?
Just like that!
This could be | a really long night.
Do it again, Dad. Please.
I can't. That thing's empty.
There's nothin' in the bag.
Even if there was, d-didn't | you notice there's no chimney?
Where there's no chimney, | there's no fireplace.
Are you growling at me?
Look, Comet, like I said,
there is nothing left--
That's so weird, 'cause | I know when I did-- that--
No, no, no, no, no! | Hold it!
There's no chimney here. Can you | hear me? No chimney, all right?
Lookin' good, Dad.
You have got to be kidding! | Come on!
Look at the size | of this thing.
Weird! Ow!
Ouch! Oh!
- Santa? | - Scott Calvin.
How come your clothes | are so baggy?
Because Santa is watchin' | his saturated fats.
- How come you don't have a beard? | - Because I shaved!
Do you want this doll or not? | Go back to sleep.
You're supposed | to drink the milk.
Look, I am | lactose intolerant.
And I am just about this close | to taking all those presents | back up the chimney with me.
"Supposed to drink the milk."
Shut your eyes.
How do you get in | without a fireplace?
I don't know. | One just kind of appeared.
Oh, boy!
Charlie, look at the clouds over here. | Aren't they pret--
All right. | Mornin', fellas.
Mornin', sport. | We're done, Comet. Ho-ho-ho.
Back to the house.
Merry Christmas to all | and to all a good night.
When I wake up, | I'm gettin' a CAT scan!
- Is this okay, Dad? | - No, it's not okay!
Hey, does this look like home | to you guys?
No, no, no, no, no! | Hey, hey, hey!
Where you goin'? | Come back here! Aww!
In the silence of the night
- When the snow | - Hey, hey!
- Lies soft and still | - Hey, buddy!
- You, sir! Hey! | - You can see a magic light
And hear the ring | of Christmas bells
- Can you hear me? | - Though the night seems long and dark
- It is the earth | - What's that?
- Just gone to sleep | - I don't know.
- I think it's the North Pole. | - The stars that dot
- That's the North Pole? | - The sky above
- Hey, buddy, we need some help. | - Hold you in
- Hello! | - Their precious keep
- What are you doing? | - So close your eyes and come with me
The Christmas bells | will bring you home
Hey, look! | Here comes the new Santa!
And now with song | we fill the night
While magic dances | in the light
To wish you now | and all the year
The joy that comes | with Christmas cheer
- Sit back. | - Hear our voices fill the air
To drive the | winter's cold away
And so our hearts | with all will share
The love that comes | with Christmas day
The love that comes | with Christmas day
The Christmas bells | will bring you home
- Where are all the grown-ups? | - This is so cool.
Stay here.
Hey, kid, kid. | Kid, who's in charge here?
You are. And I'm not a kid. I've | pointy shoes that are older than you.
I'm an elf.
Uh, you guys, or you girls-- | Who gives the orders? Who's your boss?
- You are. | - No, no, no. Uh--
- W-Who's the head elf? | - You are.
Hey! Who's causin' all | the trouble around here?
- He is. | - She is.
Excuse me. Are we | on a coffee break?
-We don't drink coffee. | -Then I guess the break is over!
Back to work. Thanks.
Take it easy on her, will ya? | Who are you?
I'm Bernard. | Nice to meet ya, Santa.
I'm not Santa! I've had a rough night. | There's been dogs barkin', | guns goin' off.
Look, my back's killin' me. | Have you ever tried to shove | a sea kayak down a chimney?
- I'm tired of this small talk. | - Hmm?
The other Santa | disappeared, right?
Wait a minute. | Hey, I know where this is goin'.
It wasn't my fault. | The other guy fell. It was an accident.
I've got homeowner's insurance | and a good attorney.
Not as good as my wife's, | but let's not open up that wound.
Hold it a minute. | Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How did you know | the other guy was gone?
- Can I get you a drink? | - No, I don't want a drink.
I'm thirsty and hungry too.
Charlie, I thought I told you | to stay in the sleigh.
-Who's this? | -This-- This is my son, Charlie.
I'm sorry. Charlie, | this is Buh, Beh, Beh--
- Bernard. | - Bernard.
- Hi, Bernard. | - Hiya, sport.
- Hey, Dad, he called me "sport" | just like you. | - Wonderful.
Hey, you know what. | I got somethin' for you.
Okay, now hold out | your hand, all right?
Now, be very careful. | This is very old, just like me.
Shake it up, Charlie.
Why don't you, uh, hold onto it | for me for a while.
- It might come in handy. | - Thanks. Thanks a lot.
I promise I'll take | real good care of it.
- Make sure you do. | - I will.
Hey, Dad, look!
Huh. Fabulous ball.
- Hey, Barabbas. | - Bernard!
Bernard. Can we take a direct | flight back to reality, or do we | have to change planes in Denver?
Uh, Larry, take Charlie here | and get him some chow.
- No, Larry, don't do that. Charlie! | - He'll be okay.
Follow me. You'll want to | get out of those clothes.
I-- Uh-- No, look, Barnaby, | I just wanna go home.
Look, I am not Santa Claus! | Ahh!
Did you or did you not | read the card?
- Yeah, I read the card. | - Then you're the new Santa.
In putting on the hat and jacket | you accepted the contract.
- What contract? | - The card in the Santa suit. | You said you read it, right?
So when you put on the suit, | you fell subject to the Santa Clause.
- Here. | - The Santa Claus?
Oh, you mean the guy | that fell off my roof?
No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. | Santa Clause, the clause.
- Look, you're-- | you're a businessman, right? | - Yeah.
Okay. A clause, | as in the last line of a contract.
- You got the card? | - Oh!
Okay, look.
The Santa Clause: | "ln putting on this suit | and entering the sleigh...
"the wearer waives any and all rights to | any previous identity, real or implied,
"and fully accepts the duties | and responsibilities of Santa Claus...
"in perpetuity until such time | that wearer becomes unable to do so...
by either accident or design."
- What does that mean? | - It means you put on the suit, | you're the big guy.
- That's ridiculous. | I didn't put on the suit just to-- | - Try to understand this!
Let me explain | something to you, okay?
Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna | do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf.
It's Santa's job, but Santa | fell off a roof, your roof.
You read the card, you put on the suit. | That clearly falls under | the Santa Clause.
- So now you're Santa, okay? | - A question.
- What? | - When can I get outta here?
- Dad, you gotta see this place. | - You leave tomorrow morning.
You have 11 months | to get your affairs in order, | and you're due back here Thanksgiving.
- I'm not comin' back here | on Thanksgiving. | - I'll ship the list to your house.
- What list? | - Come on, now. The list.
- He's makin' a list | - Checkin' it twice
Gonna find out | who's naughty or nice
Look, you put a "P" | next to the kids who are nice | and a "C" next to the naughty ones.
- "P" and "C"? | - Yeah. "P" for present, | "C" for coal, right, Bernard?
- Right. | - Wait a minute. | How do I know who's good and bad?
- You'll know. | - What if I don't want to do this?
-Don't even kid about a thing like that. | -Why not?
What if I don't | buy into this Santa Clause thing? | What if I choose not to believe it?
Then there would be millions of | disappointed children around the world.
You see, children hold the spirit | of Christmas within their hearts.
You wouldn't want to be responsible | for killing the spirit of Christmas,
now, would you, Santa?
Judy will take you to your room. Get out | of the suit. It needs to be cleaned.
- And taken in. | - Then get some sleep.
We've got a lot of work to do | and only a year in which to do it.
- Judy. | - Santa.
- Scott Calvin. | - Follow me.
- I'll just take the next train. | - Dad, come on!
- Come on, Dad! | - Charlie, wait up!
- That's funny. I like that. | - I like that too. But I don't like--
Can I get you anything? | The kitchen's always open.
How about a stiff drink?
You should get some sleep.
Here are your pyjamas. | I'll be right back.
Oh, oh, look, Judy. | Look. Look over there.
There's a--
Look. Look over there. | I know.
Look. Look over there. | There's a canoe. Aha, it's true.
Oh, look, there's an emu.
- Look at him. | - Shoo.
- Santa? | - Scott Calvin.
- I brought you some cocoa. | - No, thanks.
My own recipe. Took me | 1,200 years to get it right.
- 1,200 years? | - That's right.
You know, I must say, you look | pretty good for your age.
Thanks, but I'm seeing | someone in wrapping.
This is good.
This is really good.
Not too hot, extra chocolate, | shaken, not stirred.
You look distressed.
Distressed? | I'm way past distressed.
- Why's that? | - I'm talking to an elf.
And I stopped believing | in Santa Claus a long time ago.
That's not surprising. | Most grown-ups can't believe in magic.
It just... sort of | grows out of them.
Look, you're | a nice little elf.
- Thanks. | - But this is a dream.
I mean, this is fabulous.
Is that a polar bear | directin' traffic down there?
I-- I see it, | but I don't believe it.
- You're missing the point. | - What is the point?
Seeing isn't believing: | believing is seeing.
Kids don't have to see this place | to know that it's here.
They just... know.
Well, you should get some rest. | Good night, sir.
Wake up, sleepy!
Come on, get up!
Come on, Dad! Come on!
You should see | all the neat toys.
- Stop shakin' me, Charlie. | - Come on. Get up. Get up!
- Okay! | - Come on. It's Christmas morning.
- Great! G-Go and make some coffee. | - Come on, Dad. Let's go!
Okay. Okay.
- Are you okay, Dad? | - Yeah. Just fine. Just fine.
Are you having a heart attack? | I know CPR.
No, I was just--
- S.C.? | - Yeah, Santa Claus.
Hey. Same initials | as your name, Dad.
Scott Calvin.
Oh, Charlie! Oh, | merry Christmas, honey!
- Did you have a good time? | - Great time! The best!
Great-- Oh, ho, Scott. | Nice P.J.s. Very festive.
- Where'd you get them? | - I don't know.
- Judy gave them to you. | - Judy. Really.
- Who? | - Up in the North Pole.
Ah, one of Santa's | little helpers.
Last night, Dad and me | went with the flying reindeer.
It was really neat, Mom. Dad was Santa, | and Larry showed me the workshop.
-You know, where they make all the toys? | -Gee, thanks for...
- keeping his feet on the ground. | - You bet.
Honey, you go wait in the car | for a minute, okay? I'll be right there.
- Merry Christmas. | - Bye, Dad. Thanks for a great night | at the North Pole.
So, uh, what have you | been telling him?
Nothing. It's just... | I had this really strange dream.
And l-- I must have | told him all about it.
- Charlie. | - Scott. | - Hi, Dad.
- Nice jammies. | - Thanks. About what you said | in the house.
- Who showed you the workshop? | - The elf.
- How'd I get the pyjamas? | - I told you. Judy.
Oh, wait. Wait. Judy was the name of the | waitress at the restaurant last night.
- Some waitress gave you pyjamas? | - What's this all about?
Dad took me to the North Pole, | and Larry showed me the workshop.
- The North Pole. | - Yeah. Dad's the new Santa.
The regular Santa fell off the roof, | and Dad put on the suit.
Charlie, we'll discuss this at home.
The clause. | The Santa Clause.
It's just a dream. | Stuff like that doesn't happen.
It was a dream. Come on!
I don't even wear pyjamas! | Normally I sleep naked. Buck naked.
Ha! Morning, Mrs McGloin. | Mary Catherine.
Eyes front, | Mary Catherine.
Sometimes boxer shorts. | You know.
So, remember, kids, there is nothing | more painful than third degree burns.
Well, thank you, | Fireman O'Hara.
And I think the whole class | will join me in saying...
sorry about your partner.
Well, perhaps this is a good time | to bring up the psychiatrist.
Charlie, would you like | to introduce your, um--
Dr Miller?
Can I ask Dad to go first?
Well, if that's how | you feel, Charlie.
That's how he feels, Neal. | Come on. Nice sweater, buddy.
This is my dad, Scott Calvin. | He's got a really neat job.
- Thank you, Charlie. | - My dad is Santa Claus.
Oh, boy! I think what he means is, | I'm like Santa Claus.
We're both giving. | We're both jolly.
And we both work very hard | one day a year.
- Oh, boy. | - That's not what I mean, Dad.
Look, on Christmas Eve, | my dad pushed Santa off the roof.
- No, Charlie-- Ch-- Charlie. | - Santa disappeared | and my dad took his place.
- Charlie! | - Then I went with him | to deliver all the presents.
Then the reindeer flew us to the | North Pole where the head elf,
- Charlie. | - Bernard, gave me this.
Look, I work for a toy company. | I deliver toys all over the country.
So, in a way, | I'm like Santa Claus.
- Yes, sweetheart? | - Do you make the toys?
No, stupid, the elves do!
Bobby, we don't say "stupid," | and we don't say "elves." | They're little people.
- No, but they really are elves. | - Whatever, honey.
- Which one's your favourite reindeer? | - Comet.
Uh, l, l, I don't have a favourite.
So, let me get this | straight, Santa.
You mean, when I grow up, | if I wanna be Santa Claus,
all I gotta do is | push you off a roof?
All right, he said that. He said that | it was the best Christmas he ever had.
- Oh, big surprise. What do you think? | - It's just nice to hear it from him.
- Is that a problem with you? | - That's my responsibility, isn't it? | - All right. So?
May I speak, please? | I am a doctor.
No, he's not. | He's a psychiatrist.
Please. Go ahead, Dr Miller.
I guess we know | who's the teacher's pet.
Scott! Oh, grow up.
The reason we're here is that | this is far more serious...
than a boy believing | or not believing in Santa Claus.
That's right, because Charlie thinks | that this whole thing actually happened.
Scott, what was the last thing | you and Charlie did...
before you went to bed | Christmas Eve?
We shared a bowl of sugar: | did some shots of brown liquor:
played with my shotguns: | field dressed a cat:
Iooked for women.
- I read him a book. | - What book?
Uh, Hollywood Wives.
The Night Before Christmas, folks. | Come on!
And did you | go to the North Pole?
T-This is ridiculous. | I don't have time for this.
Ridiculous or not, Scott, | for Charlie, this isn't some dream.
It is real.
You need to sit down | with Charlie. Explain to him...
you are not Santa Claus.
They're like the bears | at the North Pole, Dad.
Charlie, I already told ya. | We did not go to the North Pole.
- That was a dream. | - You're in denial, Dad.
Denial. You don't | even know what that means.
Well, you are. | I know what happened.
How do you know that? | How? You don't have any proof.
- Proof? | - Why can't we both think of it as just | a great dream and forget about it?
What about this? Remember | all the neat stuff inside?
Charlie, this is a toy.
We used to make things like this | at work, but no one bought 'em.
Here. I don't wanna | talk about this any more.
I know who you are, Dad. | You'll figure it out soon enough.
There are a lot of kids that believe | in you. You can't let them down.
Charlie, you're wrong.
- What's so funny? | - Nothing.
He sees you | when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've | been bad or good
Rollin' | Keep those reindeer rollin'
Okay, you better watch out | You better not cry
-You better not pout I'm tellin' you why | -Come on, Dancer. Come on, Prancer.
- Santa Claus is coming | - Whoa! We can't stop.
- To town | - But I have to go to the bathroom.
I told you, you should've gone | before we left the North Pole.
And rummy tum-tums
Whoa! Right here. | Turn over here.
Curly-haired dolls | that toddle and coo
Elephant spokes | and kiddie cars too
- Where is he? | - Well, he could be in his room,
jumping up and down on his bed | wearing a red hat and galoshes.
I don't care what Neal's doing. | Where's Charlie?
Oh, ho, ho. | Oh, I see, I see.
Well, if you can't be father of the | year, why not be Father Christmas, huh?
Charlie, | it's just not logical.
How can one man | in one night...
visit all the children | of the world?
Not everyone | celebrates Christmas.
And I think there's some sort | of time continuum that breaks down | once Santa's in his sleigh.
What about fireplaces? | A lot of people don't have them.
How does Santa | visit those people?
He turns into Jell-O and--
The fireplace kind of appears, | and he goes through it like this.
What about the reindeer?
- Have you ever seen a reindeer fly? | - Yes.
- Well, I haven't. | - Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Just because you haven't seen it | doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Hey, Neal. | Howdy, sport.
- Hi, Dad. | - You wanna take a walk? | I wanna talk to you.
- Sure. I'll get my coat. | - Okay. Hustle up.
Scott? Can I have a minute?
I think Charlie is conflicted | at the moment.
Wow. Really?
Boy. Hmm. Appreciate | your analysis. I really do.
But, boy, you got more important things | to worry about, you know.
Like, where are you gonna | get more sweaters after | the circus pulls outta town?
Scott! I mean, | you're not listening.
We are very concerned about this.
Concerned about what?
If Charlie spending time with you | is the best thing for him.
You were right | about the sweater, okay?
Do you think by next year | I'll be big enough to drive | the sleigh all by myself?
- No! | - But I've been practising.
No, that's not what I'm talkin' about. | Charlie, hold on a second.
We've got to talk about | this Santa Claus thing.
Charlie, there-- | there is no--
No what, Dad?
There's no reason why we have to | tell anybody about the North Pole.
- Why not? | - Well, sometimes some things, | big things,
should remain un-- unsaid, | like between two people--
- Oh, you mean like a secret. | - Yes. Like a secret. | Let's keep it a secret.
How come?
Because of Mom and Neal.
Not just because of them. | There's school.
Everybody thinks-- Well, | it's not important what they think.
How does five bucks sound to ya?
This is something I really | want you to do for me, sport.
I want to keep this secret. | Will ya do that, please?
- Okay, Dad. | - All right.
You don't have to worry about | the Santa Claus thing any more.
So when do I get the five bucks?
...15 in the morning. | It's gonna be a beautiful day.
Spend the day with me, | Larry B.
Something's wrong with the mirror.
What? Something's wrong | with the scale.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh--
Hmm. I'll have a field green | salad and-- Oh, my God.
- What the-- | - What? Scott?
Sorry, um, the dry cleaner | in my neighbourhood went up in smoke.
Some big chemical fire. | All my clothes, poof, gone.
God. Your-- Your weight.
What happened?
Bee sting. | Evidently I'm allergic.
Almost killed me. But the guy | at the emergency room says...
the swelling will go down.
I hope. So, | did I miss anything?
No, we were, uh, | just about to order lunch.
Great! I'm starving.
I'll have a salad and iced tea | and dressing on the side.
Uh, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and | very light on the oil. Can you do that?
And I'll have a Caesar. | No dressing.
And one of those home-made cookies, | the warm chocolate chip. No nuts.
And, uh, a little slice of cheesecake. | Uh, creme brulee...
and, um, hot fudge sundae, | extra hot fudge.
On the side.
- Anything to drink? | - Ice-cold milk.
- Stung by a bee, Scott? | - A big bee.
Okay, now, remember. | This is just a storyboard.
But here is | our preliminary...
Total Tank TV spot.
Okay, now, we've got Santa. | He's up in the North Pole.
He's gettin' ready | for... Christmas!
- Oh, no. | - Problem?
It's just a little thing. | The elves.
- What about the elves? | - They look so funny.
They're supposed to look funny. | They're elves.
Just my opinion. | Can't they look a little younger...
with silver specks | on their cheeks?
- Can we continue here? | - Okay.
Now, this year Santa's | not goin' out in a sleigh.
This time he's goin' | Total Tank.
Wait a minute! No way! No way Santa's | goin' anywhere without his sleigh.
He would if he's tryin' | to sell the Total Tank.
Well, isn't that a pretty picture.
Santa's rollin' down the block | in a panzer.
Well, kids, l-- I certainly hope | you've been good this year.
'Cause it looks like Santa | just took out the Pearson home.
- Incoming! | - Oh, please.
And another thing. | What about the reindeer?
Reindeer and Santa. Santa and reindeer. | I-lt's kind of a package deal.
- Calvin. | - You don't believe in Santa, do ya?
Calvin, can we get | back to the presentation?
I'm not done yet. | Since we've opened this box,
have any of you tried | to build the Total Tank?
It's got 10,000 parts, | and even if you do get it together, | it breaks ten minutes later.
- Then you gotta spend more | money just to buy new parts. | - I thought that was the whole point.
No, no, no, no.
What we gotta do is develop | a, a basic, simple, inexpensive toy...
that will nurture | a child's creative thinking.
- Calvin-- | - Here, try the brown ones.
Can I see you outside a minute?
I don't know | what's happening to you.
You're starting to look like | the Pillsbury dough boy.
- Y-You're falling apart. | - I know! I know.
-I don't know what came over me. | -W-Well, just get some help.
You know, y-you should s-see a doctor, | a shrink, a dietician, anything.
Just get some help.
Okay, Scott. Time is up.
- Let's get over here | and check your pulse. | - All right.
Okay, hmm?
Huh? Well, nuts. I--
Oh, no, uh, | your pulse is great. I--
Well, l-l don't know, Scott. | Y-You're as healthy as a horse.
Yeah, Clydesdale.
Okay, look. So, what? | You put on a little weight.
A little weight? Does this | look like a little weight to you?
Well, weight can fluctuate | from year to year.
Fluctuate? You make it | sound like I'm retainin' water.
I've gained 45 pounds in a week. | Pete, what's happenin' to me?
- Well, what's your diet like? | - Milk and cookies.
- Really? | - But I don't finish all the milk.
Well, then, there is your problem. Just | try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
- Anything else? | - Yeah.
How fast does hair grow? | Facial hair?
-What? | -I shave in the morning | and in the afternoon I look like this.
Well, it could be | a hormonal imbalance.
- That would explain the mood swings. | - Mood swings?
- Yeah, well, look at my hair. | It's turnin' grey. | - Oh, it's middle age, buddy.
It happens. And with that body, | you should be thankful you have hair.
Look, i-if it bothers you, | you can dye it, and you should diet!
Ah, just kidding. | Okay, up with the shirt.
Let's take a listen | to the old ticker. Whoa. Okay.
Ooh, it's cold.
Over here, Steve! | I'm open!
I want some ballet slippers.
- Hi, Mom. | - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Hold on now. | - Wait a minute. Wait, I'm not done.
Fax me. Hi. Hey, this probably | looks pretty odd, doesn't it?
- These kids lined up all by themselves. | - Scott,
I think it's safe to say you're taking | this Santa thing to an unhealthy level.
Here's my card. | Call me.
Scott, l-- I really have to tell you | that this is beginning to scare me.
I never in my wildest-- | Well, no, okay, maybe my wildest--
But certainly never in | my normal dreams would l--
- But then this is Scott | we're talking about and l-- | - Laura, the point.
It's just I never thought | you would stoop to changing | your physical appearance...
in order to make | Charlie like you.
- Do you have any concept of how | dangerous this is to a little boy? | - Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa. "How dangerous"? | - Mom, what's the matter?
- Come on, Charlie, we're going home. | - But we just started.
Well, a-- | You let him stay. I'll go.
If you don't get your act together, | Scott, so help me--
- Watch it, folks. | - I will just-- Oh! | - Mom! | - Come on. Move it, lady!
Kick it!
- Hi there. | - Hi. I got a delivery for S.C.
- You S.C.? | - Scott Calvin, that's me.
Sign here, please.
-All right. | -Thanks. I'll get your packages.
- Packages? | - Yeah, there's quite a few of them.
Great. I'll leave the door open. | Just leave them inside here.
Will do.
It's the list.
"Armand Assante"?
Hold it! Hold-- Oh! | Hold it!
- You! You! Take that! Come on! Come on! | - Stay away from the truck.
What am I supposed to do with | all these packages, guys? Come on.
You know, I knew it. I knew that-- that | something was going on. I just-- I--
What I can't believe is that he would | go behind our backs all this time,
confusing Charlie again just--
I-- I-- What are we-- | What are we supposed to do?
Well, there's one | obvious alternative.
- Annie, nice. | - Beep!
- Johnny, naughty. | - Johnny, wait up.
Gary, nice.
Veronica, very nice.
In your dreams, sleigh boy.
I'm in big trouble. | Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Judge Wayland's office.
Charlie, do you mind | if I talk to you for a minute?
It's okay, honey. Come on.
We won't be long.
Are we doing | the right thing, Neal?
-Something needs to shake Scott. | -Yeah, but--
But to-- to take away | his visitation rights.
Honey, the man is delusional.
Okay, okay, so maybe I'm having | second thoughts, kind of. I just--
I mean, what was so bad about | Charlie believing in Santa?
Well, he's a little old.
Oh, come on, Laura. | Don't you remember when you | stopped believing in Santa Claus?
I was Charlie's age, | I guess, l--
I wrote Santa a letter | every week that year.
Well, you know, okay, | you know, maybe--
Maybe not every week, but--
Boy, I really wanted | a "Mystery Date" game.
Do you remember those?
No. Of course you don't.
You know, no one does.
I-- I don't even think | they make them any more, but--
Well, anyway--
Christmas morning came and--
Oh, I got dozens of presents.
Oh, I got everything.
Except "Mystery Date."
I was three, and it was | an Oscar Meyer wienie whistle.
Christmas came. | No wienie whistle.
And that's when | I stopped believing.
You were three?
Oh, Neal.
-Where's Charlie? I want to talk to him. | -He's with the judge.
It's all okay. | I told the judge everything...
about you and the North Pole.
After reviewing all | of your testimonies,
I've come to a very | difficult decision.
I'm sorry to do this in light | of the holiday season,
but in the best interest | of the child,
I'm granting the petition | of Dr and Mrs Miller.
Mr Calvin, as of today,
all of your visitation rights | are suspended...
pending a hearing | after the first of the year.
- Hey, Neal. | - Scott.
- You're not supposed to be here. | - Don't make me beat you up, Neal.
Oh, would Santa | really beat someone up?
- I'm this close. | - So you still believe you're Santa?
- I don't know. | - What do you mean you don't know?
Of course you are, Dad. | How can you say that?
-Think of all those kids. | -The only kid I'm thinkin' about is you.
Dad, I'm fine. | You can't let them down.
- They all believe in you! | - Charlie, listen.
You listen! | You think you know who he is. You don't!
Charlie. Honey, listen. | You're confused.
I know exactly who he is.
Charlie, he's not Santa!
He is too, Santa! | We went to the North Pole together.
I saw it. The elves are real old | even though they look like me.
Bernard called me sport, | 'cause he knew everything.
Right, Dad?
Thank you, Charlie. | Thank you.
I love you, Dad.
Could you guys leave us | alone for a minute?
I mean, so I can | say goodbye to him properly?
You saw! | You saw the ball come to life.
You bet I did.
-Well, Charlie, I guess l-- I better go. | -I'll get my stuff.
Well, wait, sport. Sport. Wait, | wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I think it's a much better idea | if you just stayed here with your mom.
I wanna be with you, Dad.
Boy, I love hearing you say that.
You mean I can go?
Boy, this bird is dry. Haven't | you people heard about basting?
- Hiya, sport. | - Bernard, can I go? | Please, can I go, Bernard?
It's okay with me.
Charlie, if, uh--
This is our perpetrator.
Scott Calvin, 38 years old.
Believes himself | to be Santa Claus.
Ladies and gentlemen, | this one's not gonna be easy to find.
Uh, won't the bright red suit | and beard give him away?
Charlie's got some great ideas | on how to keep you safe.
Santa, this is Quintin, | head of research and development.
- Quintin, good to meet ya. | - Hello, Santa.
Charlie and I have put our heads | together, and I think we've got | a few surprises for you.
This is some of the best stuff that's | come out of the workshop since the ball.
Fabulous. | What happens if I fall off the roof?
Is this the most | current photo you have?
Hold on.
- Hello? | - Mom. | - Oh, Charlie. Oh, my God.
Honey, how are you? Are you-- | Are-- Where are you? Are you okay?
I'm fine. | We're up at the North Pole.
Charlie, are you sure you're okay?
I'm terrific! I'm helping | the elves build a new sleigh.
We're trying for a vertical takeoff. | Well, gotta go. The elves need me.
- No, Charlie, wait. No, don't | hang up the phone, honey. | - Don't worry, Mom. Everything's fine.
- See you at Christmas. | - Charlie, don't-- Ah.
Fireplaces will no longer be a problem.
It's a new fabric. | Completely flame retardant.
- It's light, yet durable. | - And you can wear the jumpsuit | under your coat and pants.
But what do I do | if I fall off a roof?
We'll cordon off a three-block radius | around Dr Miller's house.
Now, Calvin is to be | apprehended unharmed.
And remember, he'll probably | be dressed like Santa Claus.
Give it your best shot
'Cause what you got is | oh, so sweet
- Freeze! | - What the--
I need a routine | So gimme all your lovin'
- It's not even my suit. It's a rental. | - All your hugs and kisses too
Gimme all your lovin' | Don't let up until we're through
"From Comet, To Santa." | Did you make the card?
It's a nice rope. | Just in case I fall off the roof?
Comet, this means a lot to me. | Thanks, buddy.
And if I blow my top
Will you let it | go to your head
Gimme all your lovin' | All your hugs and kisses too
All right, let's go!
- You ready to go, sport? | - You betcha, Dad. | - Gimme all your lovin'
- Now Dasher, now Dancer! | Now Prancer and Vixen! | - All your hugs and kisses too
On Comet, on Cupid! | On Donner and Blitzen!
Bye-bye. Bye, Quintin. | Bye, Peewee.
Merry Christmas.
Take your time.
Turn to your right. | Hello!
- Charlie, stay in your seat. | - I gotta show you this.
Radar-jamming jingle bells, | snow screen,
DC-10 alert | and air freshener.
- Wow. | - And most important of all, your hat.
- My hat? | - It's lined with a two-way radio.
Microphone's in here. | It connects you directly to Judy.
- Wait a minute. What's this? | - Oh, that's a C.D.
- Compact disc. | - No. Cookie/cocoa dispenser.
The cocoa comes out nice and hot.
- And... out pops the cookie. | - Gimme all your lovin'
- How could I have done this | without you, Charlie? | - You couldn't.
- You're fatter this year. | - Thank you very much. You've grown too.
And you were a very good girl | this year, but I want you | to go back to sleep, okay?
- I think the milk's a little sour. | - It's soy milk.
- Huh? | - You said you were lactose intolerant.
I did say that, didn't l? | Thanks for remembering.
Go to sleep.
- Merry Christmas, Sara. | - Merry Christmas, Santa.
Look, there's Mom and Neal's street! | Can we go there next?
- Sure. | - I made something for them | at the workshop.
Ah, ho, ho.
You officers really gave me a start. | Merry Christmas, guys.
- Not for you, fat boy. | - "Fat boy"? Guys.
- Uh-uh-uh. Nice and easy now. | - Oh!
Guys, guys, I got a lot of work to do. | This is a big mistake, really.
You gotta watch the suit too. This | is so old. It's an antique, you know.
- Where's the boy? | - He's in the sleigh.
We got Calvin. | We're bringing him out.
Santa, are you okay? | Over. Over.
- Watch your head. | - Santa, are you all right? | - Santa?
- It'll be okay, kids. | - Let him go! Let Santa go!
Honey, I'm sure | Charlie's fine.
We've got a problem. Santa was at | the Miller's, but he's not responding.
Well, time to deploy E.L.F.S.
- Let's go! | - Go!
Go, go, go, go! | Move it!
Look, I know | you're Scott Calvin.
You know you're Scott Calvin. | So let's make this simple.
I say, name. | You say, Scott Calvin.
Kriss Kringle.
- Name? | - Sinter Klas.
- Name? | - Pere Noel.
Buono Natale. | Pelz-Nicole.
Topo Gigio.
Okay, Calvin. Maybe a couple of hours | in the tank will change your mind.
- Charlie? | - Yeah?
Don't worry. | We're the good guys.
Come on. | Let's go save Santa.
We can't. The police | are watching this place.
Yeah, they probably are. | But you see, we weren't figuring | on walking out the front door.
We find that we can get around | a lot faster if we fly.
Now... grab hold of my hand.
And hang on tight.
- And Charlie? | - Yeah?
Don't ever try this | without elf supervision.
Hmm? Ah!
We're looking for Santa Claus.
Go home, kids. | Visiting hours are over.
We're not kids, | and we're not visiting.
- We're here to bust out my dad. | - You're the Calvin boy.
Who-- Who are these | other kids?
We're your worst nightmare.
Elves with attitude.
Shouldn't have had that doughnut. | Oh!
Untie me! I mean it!
- Charlie! | - Are you okay, Dad?
I am now.
- How'd you do that? | - Tinsel. Not just for decoration.
Hey, excuse me. Can I get | some of that tinsel?
Neal. I'm home!
- Charlie? | - Charlie. | - Oh, my God, Charlie.
Sweetheart. Oh, God. | Come here. Come here.
Oh, my boy. | Oh, my sweetheart.
Oh! My boy, you're home!
Oh, I missed you so much. | How are you?
- I'm fine, Mom. | - Are you okay? Look at me.
- Oh, Charlie. I missed you, honey. | - Mom, I'm fine. It's okay.
- We were so worried | about you. Look at you. | - Mom, put me down. Stop kissing me!
I don't have a lot of time.
Did you leave the gifts | I made under the tree?
- You bet I did. | - We better go.
- No, Charlie. No, no, no. | - No! No, wait, Charlie.
It's okay, Laura.
Actually, l--
I think it's | a much better idea...
- that you stay here | with your Mom and Neal. | - Really?
- But, Dad-- | - No buts, Charlie.
I can't be selfish. | I can't be with you all the time.
We're a family.
You, me, your mom...
and Neal.
And they need to be with you too.
I miss you too much.
Come here a minute.
Ah, listen to me.
Come on, listen. There's-- | There's a lot of kids out there.
Okay? Millions of kids.
And they're-- | They all-- They all believe in me. | They're countin' on me, Charlie. And l--
I'm not gonna let them down. | I got a lot of work to do.
So I can't be selfish either.
You gave me a wonderful gift, Charlie. | Listen, a wonderful gift.
You believed in me | when nobody else did.
You helped make me Santa.
Selfish? Come on.
You're the least-- | the least selfish person I know.
I love you, Santa Claus.
I love you, son.
It's okay.
Okay. It's okay. Shh.
Laura, what do you think? Christmas Eve | you guys spend with Charlie?
Oh, my God.
It's you.
It really is you.
You really are...
Santa Claus.
Pretty cool, huh?
Oh, my God.
And your parents thought | I'd never amount to anything.
Oh, wait. Don't go yet. | I have something for you. I--
It's Santa!
- Scott. | - Neal.
- Santa? | - It's okay, Neal.
It's, um-- | Well, it's--
It's my Christmas present for you. | It's the, um-- It's the custody papers.
And I want you to come and see | Charlie as often as you can.
You can count on it. | Thanks, Laura.
Merry Christmas.
What's all this boo-hooing goin' | on here? Hey, how ya doin'?
It's nothin', Bernard. | I'm just saying goodbye to Charlie.
What goodbye? Charlie, | you still got the glass ball, right?
- Yeah. | - Well, all you gotta do...
is shake it whenever | you want to see your dad.
- Really? | - He can come back to see you...
anytime day or night.
Hey, have I ever | steered ya wrong?
Nice sweater.
Hey, did we make this?
He's sucking us | into his delusions.
Look at the elaborate | measures he's taken.
Neal, relax.
I'll explain it to you later.
Where'd he go?
Go, go, go, go! | Team one, heads up!
- Okay, stand back, folks. | Give us some room. | - I'm scared, Dad.
- Here you go, sir. | - Thanks. Return to your homes!
- Stay off the street. Come on, folks. | Let us do our job here. | - Oh, my gosh. Um--
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi.
Um, you know, you don't have to | send anybody-- Oh, my gosh, wait!
- Hey! | - He's my ex-husband, | and he's already up the chimney.
Chief, look up there.
Oh, Santa!
Santa Claus.
What is it?
Oh, wow!
Up there! Do you see it? | Hey, do you see it?
- Goodbye, Charlie. | - Bye, Dad.
Merry Christmas to all! | And to all a good night!
- I'm sorry, Charlie. | - That's okay, Neal.
You were just denying | your inner child.
You're gonna make a great | psychiatrist one day, kid.
No, I think I'm going to go | into the family business.
Look out below!
My wienie whistle.
Bye, Santa Claus. Bye.
- Merry Christmas. | - See you next year.
Charlie? | Time to come inside.
Mom, this stupid ball's | not working.
- Hey, sport. | - Dad!
You miss me already? | I've been gone, what? Ten minutes.
Gimme a break. | I was on my way to Cleveland.
Come here and give me a hug.
- Do you wanna go for a quick ride? | - Yeah!
-Uh-- | -Of course, it's up to your mom.
Please, Mom.
Go on. Get outta here.
All right. Hold on.
- On our way. | - Bye, Mom.
Just-- Just a quick one.
And, uh, not over any oceans, Scott.
- Bye, Mom! | - Scott.
- Bye. | - Scott!