The Shaggy D.A. (1976) Movie Script

[Announcer] Introducing
our next District Attorney!
[Man] (music) Friends,
I wanna talk about politics
(music) Now let me make this perfectly clear
(music) I'm gonna throw out all those
Shabby old tricks for this election year
(music) I'm the one who'll set you straight
Let the past be water through the gate
(music) An up-and-comin' grassroots candidate
And I'm runnin' for the shaggy D.A.
[Applause, cheering]
[Music continues]
(music) Now you all know we got problems here
And I wanna be the one to say
(music) Not one of them's just gonna disappear
Come next election day
(music) Unless you help me enforce our laws
Kiss those babies, shake those paws
(music) I'm the shaggiest candidate
You ever saw
(music) And I'm runnin' for the shaggy D.A.
[Applause, cheering]
[Music continues]
[Chorus] (music) So let's all stand together
Put our hometown on the mend
(music) Buddy, can't you see here's a chance
To be man's best friend
(music) He's just who we need
Let's help him lead the way
(music) So come on and elect him
Our shaggy D.A.
[Applause, cheering]
[Music continues]
(music) Let's talk about
The candidate's attributes
(music) I'm a gentleman through and through
(music) Nothin' 'bout myself slick or cute
My interests lie with you
(music) I'm a politician that you can trust
Let's sweep out City Hall's old dust
(music) If you want clean government
I'm a must
(music) I'm runnin' for the shaggy D.A.
[Applause, cheering]
(music) Now I don't wanna get long-winded here
I've just about had my say
(music) Every one of you's gonna get a chance
At the polls on election day
(music) I'll leave you with this final word
Considerin' knowledge you've incurred
(music) Countin' on your vote now you've heard
I'm runnin' for the shaggy D.A.
[Music continues]
(music) So let's all stand together
Put our hometown on the mend
(music) Buddy, can't you see here's a chance
To be man's best friend
(music) He's just who we need
Let's help him lead the way
(music) So come on and elect him our shaggy
(music) We gotta elect him our shaggy
(music) Come on and elect him
Our shaggy D.A.
In the corner.
- Yeah.
- That about it?
- Gonna have to be.
- Let's go.
Avast there. Lay to for awhile, men,
and hoist one.
Oh, uh, thanks, Captain.
Admiral Gordon C. Brenner, retired.
Don't make a practice
of drinking with dock wallopers,
but you've been dry-pulling
for six hours now. You've earned it.
So, the Daniels are really
weighing anchor after all these years.
I guess so, yeah.
Fine neighbors.
Nice people to lay alongside of.
Well, I guess it's time
to get rollin', huh, Freddie?
Yeah. Thanks for the beer, Admiral.
I'll escort you out.
[Admiral] Batten down the hatches.
Prepare to get under way.
All stop there.
Weigh anchor.
[Pop music plays]
Brian, will you shut that thing off
before you deafen yourself?
Shut that thing off!
Now what am I supposed to do?
Just sit there.
We're almost home.
Pop, bet you a quarter you don't know
how many eyes a fly has.
Right, I don't.
I'm a lawyer, not an entomologist.
- Just guess.
- Two.
Wrong. They have thousands of
six-sided facets, each an eye in itself.
You owe me a quarter.
Well, thank you for the coat.
Thank you for the golf.
How long do you think the longest
apple peel in the world was?
- Oh, Brian, please.
- Just guess.
- Five feet.
- Wrong. Pop?
How could I know?
How could I possibly know?
Well, say something, Pop!
We've been robbed.
Hello, Wilby.
Can I use your phone?
We've been robbed.
Is that so? Well, I hope you'll have
smooth sailing on your new job.
Wiped out. Cleaned.
Didn't you see anybody?
- Well, just the movers.
- This is Wilby Daniels...
My house has been robbed.
I'm working one call now;
there's two on hold.
Can you call back
when we're not so busy?
Call back?
My house has been robbed!
Don't act like the sky's
fallen in on you.
Those things happen.
Hold the line.
Movers, huh?
They seemed like nice fellas.
I even gave 'em a beer.
Medfield's being ripped off.
You know why?
When a thief is caught,
he's back on the street the next day
doing business as usual.
Know whose doorstep I lay that at?
Honest John Slade,
our district attorney.
If I were D.A., I would prosecute
every indicted criminal
to the fullest extent of the law,
and get convictions!
And I will now come down off my soapbox.
No, don't.
Why don't you run for D.A.?
No, I'm serious, Wilby.
Good idea.
If it weren't for my practice,
I just might.
Your partner can run it,
I'll manage your campaign.
- You'd be my campaign manager?
- Well, sure.
My talents are not just limited
to eggs over easy.
Yeah, and I'll paste your face
all over town, Dad.
And I'll be your fund-raising chairman.
You can't fight a campaign
without money.
And I'll start the ball rolling
right now with a quarter.
Whoa. Now, I appreciate your
good intentions and your generosity,
but let's get serious
and see what they left, OK?
- They left one of my gym socks.
- Yeah.
Well, if you would rather curse
the darkness than light a candle,
of course that's up to you.
- [Car door closes]
- [Car starts]
- [Dog barks]
- [Car drives away]
They hit us again.
They've stripped us
right down to the bone.
Belay that!
Wilby, what on earth has happened?
This is Wilby Daniels,
152 Hadley Drive.
My house has been robbed again.
Wilby Daniels.
I have an account there.
Remember that name.
It's the name of your next D.A.
Go get 'em, Pop.
Win with Wilby.
That campaign contribution
will be gratefully accepted, Admiral.
Damn the torpedoes.
Full speed ahead.
Those dock pirates got me too.
I've been robbed.
[Up-tempo brass band music]
Good afternoon, madam.
I'm Wilby Daniels.
I'd like to solicit your vote for D.A.
Daniels for D.A.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to solicit your vote for D. A...
Daniels for D.A.
Could I interest you in one of these?
Vote for Daniels.
Hi, honey.
Here are some more handouts.
- How's it goin'?
- My name is Wilby Daniels.
My hand is sore
and my smile is permanent-pressed.
- I think we've met before.
- Madam, Daniels for D.A.
Good. Keep it charming and sincere.
That technique won me.
- I remember. What's this?
- That's a symbol. It's a new broom.
It means you're gonna
sweep the town clean.
There's a good customer.
Don't forget to kiss the baby.
That's a good vote-getter.
Nothing over 16.
That's a good smack-in-the-head getter.
Good afternoon.
My name is Wilby Daniels.
I'm running for D.A.
I hope I can count on your support.
My, that's a...
...a beautiful child.
You see, Joey likes you.
Let go, honey.
Oh, no. Look what you've done
to this nice man's suit.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's all right. Lovely child.
This way, Mr. Daniels.
"Local attorney promises
to clean up city if elected."
He might do well
to start with himself.
What about his charges that you're
derelict in prosecuting criminals?
Typical sensationalism designed
to grab space in the media.
I realize that you ladies and gentlemen
are much too smart to fall for that.
There are refreshments
in the next room.
That's all the questions
Mr. Slade has time for right now.
Thank you, Mr. Slade.
Yeah, Eddie?
I've got it in front of me.
It's nothin' to worry about.
I just don't like these
enthusiastic amateurs.
Will you believe me?
He's gonna fade. He's a lightweight.
I hope you're right.
Haven't I always been so far?
You take care of everything over there,
I'll take care of this end, OK?
[Curator] We come now to
our always popular Borgia exhibit.
You remember that the Borgias
dealt in a most uncompromising way
with their enemies, frequently
lacing their wine with poison,
as we see here
in this charming little dinner party.
[Curator] On occasion,
they resorted to even more
drastic methods of dispatching a victim.
This painting illustrates a legend
that Lucrezia Borgia
once transformed
an unfaithful suitor into a dog.
Excuse me, uh, sir,
but what's this ring
with what looks like
a bug or somethin' on it?
That's a scarab. The ancient Egyptians
employed it often as a talisman.
You'll notice in the painting,
Lucrezia's wearing the same ring.
According to the legend,
her powers of transmutation
stemmed directly from it.
This may or may not be,
but the museum has seen fit
to put further safeguards on it.
The last curator of the museum,
Dr. Plumcott
told me of an incident
you'd find hard to accept
since it defies
scientific explanation.
Is this valuable?
It'd be impossible
to estimate its value.
The ring is priceless.
[Curator] We'd best be moving along if
we're to finish the tour before closing.
- It's a piece of junk.
- Junk? What do you mean, junk?
The curator at the museum
said this was priceless.
And priceless is a lot of loot.
This dame, Lucy "Borgeria,"
used to doll up with this garbage.
- Borgia.
- Her too.
This was one of her prized possessions.
She wore this only on state occasions.
Who am I gonna sell it to?
Another museum?
Diamond rings, emerald rings,
those things I can move.
- Make us an offer, Mr. Roschak.
- A grand. Yeah.
Get outta here.
Anything. We gotta make a livin',
like the next guy.
I told you, there is no market
for beetle rings. Get lost.
Oh, boy. Uh...
Gingerbread Rocky Road slush.
Kumquat Bavarian chocolate
with lime mint and, uh...
Don't tell me.
Pine-scented gooseberry.
That's only 43.
You sure?
I was counting.
What'd I leave out?
Don't tell me. I know.
Oh, boy. Uh...
Let's see now.
Avocado surprise.
Well, what'll it be?
I run through 44 flavors,
you come up with vanilla.
What an imagination.
You want any marshmallow on that?
Chocolate sprinkles?
Any gum balls or anything in it?
Just the vanilla.
Vanilla. Here you go. 15 cents.
Pennies. Swell.
My dad's gonna be on TV tonight.
Don't forget to vote for him.
You know what a dime looks like?
Little silver thing
you can carry around.
If I have to run through 44 flavors
for that kid again, I'll go banana nut.
How do you like that?
Only gave me 14.
[Dog barks]
Let him go.
- Where do these go?
- Back in the truck.
It needs to have that barren look,
showing the ravages of crime.
Could have some impact.
His wife is also his campaign manager,
so try to keep the lid on her.
Campaign manager?
She's more like Sarah Bernhardt
in "Housekeeping Can be Fun".
Wait a minute. What is that?
That's Daniels' kid.
Try to work him in.
We'd like to show the family.
- My husband's always been civic-minded.
- That's true.
But when I pointed out
the challenges that lay ahead, he...
- Hi.
- Hi, darling.
You're acting like Sarah Bernhardt
starring in "Housekeeping Can Be Fun".
We do not eat junk foods
in this house between meals.
- Since when?
- Since we're gonna be on TV.
Which tie do you like?
The navy blue or the navy blue?
- The navy blue.
- Thank you.
You're not going to wear that shirt
on the show.
Brian, change your shirt.
- Change your shirt.
- [Radio] Prescott Museum robbery.
The exact value of the ring
has not been determined.
You could use that in your... was one of the museum's
most valuable pieces.
If I get cauliflower ear,
it's gonna be your fault.
Wilby, what's wrong?
That could be the Borgia ring
they stole.
The Borgia ring?
It's the one that...
- Brian, why aren't you in school?
- It's summer vacation.
Go straighten your room up, OK?
I straightened it up last month.
Then change your shirt like Mom...
Because I said so.
Rejections will make me grow up
to be inhibited and a non-achiever,
and it'll be his fault.
- Just say it.
- I'm not sure you'd understand.
- I'll understand.
- I'm really not so sure...
You'd understand.
When I was a teenager, I...
accidentally took an old ring
from the Prescott Museum.
There was a strange
Latin inscription on it.
Like what?
I'd rather not say.
Anyway, when I found the ring
at home, I...
I read the inscription a couple times...
And I turned into a dog.
[Laughs] Oh, Wilby.
There was a big shaggy dog next door,
and I became that dog.
Wilby, uh...
are you sure you're feeling all right?
I knew I shouldn't have told you.
I'm glad you did because sometimes,
we let little things nag at us
when it's nothing.
Do you realize if someone reads that
inscription I could turn into a dog?
I love that tie on you.
It just brings out
the color in your eyes.
Did you hear what I said?
Yes, I did.
We're just going to pretend
that you never said it.
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Forgive me, but might I have
a moment of your time?
Allow me to introduce myself.
Dr. Sturdivant,
on sabbatical from the Sorbonne.
Oh, I'm Tim, the ice cream man
from Dolly Dixon's.
I seem to have overextended myself
in my travels
and I find that I'm temporarily
financially embarrassed.
- If you know what I mean.
- No.
Therefore, I am forced to part
with this family heirloom
at a fraction of its real value.
It's a ring.
Very discerning of you, sir.
It's also a princely relic of antiquity.
Yeah? Is it?
Gee, I wonder if Katrinka'd like that.
Katrinka Muggelberg.
She's in pies down at Dolly's.
This is her right here.
She's captain
of the Southside Steamrollers.
Cute little thing, isn't she?
Isn't she, though?
I'm sure a lady like her would be
simply enchanted by that ring.
- You think so?
- In fact...
her gratitude would be unbounded.
Yeah. Gee, how much you want
for that thing?
Well, circumstances force me
to sacrifice it for $500.
$500... dollars.
Oh, well, uh...
I was lookin' for a blue one.
Would you spring for five bucks, mac?
Five bucks?
It does have a little
blue in it, doesn't it?
Say, you take pennies?
Now, you just be yourself there,
Mr. Daniels.
I'll ask your wife a few questions,
then we'll bring the cameras
into the den.
- Sort of surprise you at work.
- All right, places.
Five, four...
three, two, one.
You're on the air.
Welcome to "Meet Your Candidate".
This morning we're going to meet
Wilby Daniels and his family.
Mr. Daniels is the man
who many people feel,
is undertaking the impossible task
of trying to unseat
long-established D.A. John Slade.
My name is Wilby Daniels, and I'd like
to take this opportunity to...
- Brian, don't stare at me, all right?
- I wasn't staring.
I'd like to take this opportunity
to introduce myself.
My name is...
[announcer] But the name John Slade
is familiar in this town.
It may be difficult
for the man at the polls
to switch from long-established
voting habits
to put an unknown man
in this responsible office.
Oh, here's Mrs. Daniels now.
- How do you do, Mrs. Daniels?
- How do you do?
We understand you're
Mr. Daniels' campaign manager.
[Mrs. Daniels] I felt it
incumbent upon myself,
as a wife and as a woman,
to place my shoulder to the wheel
alongside my husband,
and I urged him to pick up the gauntlet
that lay before him.
And I assured him that as his wife
and his counselor,
I would be by his side
down the long, dark corridor
that lay ahead.
What do you do when you're not
running his campaign?
I love to paint and I read.
I, uh... I find the Lake poets
very, uh... scintillating.
I wonder what that guy meant.
"Her gratitude will be unbounded."
Pretty sharp, huh?
Hey, look.
There's some writing on the back.
"In canis corpore transmuto."
Wonder what that means?
I'll tell Katrinka it's "I love you"
in Swahili. She won't know.
Fellow citizens, for many years now...
You're getting a little gray, Dad.
Fellow citizens...
You look just like Elwood.
I am Elwood.
Elwood? Elwood?
And now I'd like you to meet...
Stay, Pop.
Brian, where's your father?
Uh, he had to go.
- Go get Daniels.
- Yes, sir.
Well, we'll meet Mr. Daniels later.
This, I presume, is your son Brian
and the family dog.
Mrs. Daniels?
What's the dog's name?
- Bowser.
- Elwood.
How's that?
- Uh, Elwood.
- Bowser.
He'll answer to almost anything.
Won't you, old boy?
Does your dog do any tricks?
Well, I guess so.
Who said "no"?
We're picking up a ghost somewhere.
Seems to be several opinions here.
Does he or doesn't he do tricks?
No tricks.
- There it is again.
- Come on boy, speak.
Speak, boy.
Come on, boy, speak.
Come on. Speak.
- Speak, boy. Come on.
- Woof.
This has gotta be costing Daniels votes.
Loni, get Daniels or we'll
have to leave the air.
Hey, Elwood.
Elwood! That's not your house.
[Wilby] I gotta get outta here.
Hey, watch out!
I've had enough of this.
I'm sorry, Admiral.
I was just chasing Elwood.
Why don't you stop by the truck,
I'll get you a free rum baba.
[Admiral] Out of my flowers,
you molting rug.
That goes for you too.
Hold it, Elwood.
Just leaving port, Admiral.
If I catch you
in my flowers again,
I'll put you both
in dry dock for a month.
Get in there, Elwood.
I don't know what's gotten into you.
You really made the admiral mad.
You know you ruined his flowers.
You're lucky I don't spank you.
Stop this truck. Let me out of here
or I'm gonna deck ya.
After all I've done for you,
is that any way to talk?
You got a lot of nerve
talkin' to me like...
Elwood, how'd you learn to talk?
I started out with "ga-ga,"
and worked my way up to "din-din."
He can talk.
Do that again. Say "ga-ga."
Say "din-din."
- [Wilby] What's the use?
- I don't believe this. Wait.
If you can talk like that,
we can get into show business.
We can make a fortune.
We can get on TV, too.
You can have your own talk show.
"Here's Elwood!" We can make millions.
Of course, I want to be fair about this,
so I figure I'll give you 10%.
What do you think? Elwood.
Hey, Elwood, wait a minute.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you 20%.
You can have steak every night.
Wait a minute. Elwood!
Elwood! Elwood!
- [Woman screams]
- Sorry, ma'am. Elwood!
You hear me? Elwood!
[Dog barks]
[Wilby] Oh, no.
Stay, boy.
Nice dog.
Nice doggy.
Watch out.
Now, wait a minute.
That smarts.
Don't do that.
Nice dog.
You can have your house back now.
Nice doggie.
Just relax now.
[Dog barks and growls]
I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
Can you run a commercial?
We ran eight commercials,
two standbys and a test pattern.
There's Pop now.
Places, everybody.
- Cameras on the door here.
- On the door.
Faster, Pop.
Hi, there.
My name is Wilby Daniels
and if I'm elected your D.A.,
I promise to bring order
out of chaos.
And I further promise
that if elected,
I will call for an immediate
grand jury investigation
into links between a known felon,
Eddie Roschak,
and the incumbent District Attorney,
John Slade.
There's been a dramatic increase
in the crime rate.
My first...
I know what you're gonna say, Eddie,
and I keep tellin' you,
you got absolutely nothing
to worry about.
You say!
He's coming on awful strong.
- He's naming names. I don't like it.
- Talk's cheap.
He can make charges all day
but he's gotta prove 'em.
If he gets elected,
we are in trouble.
- Both of us.
- He's not gonna get elected, Eddie.
Take my word.
You know, maybe Daniels could use
a little mud on him,
just as a precaution.
Mud? On Daniels?
Sure. Everybody's got a skeleton
in their closet. Everybody.
Get something on him.
Something that'll chop him off
right at the knees.
I don't want you runnin' away again.
We got too much at stake here.
Let's start your career by going to
Harry's Bar and getting some change.
Are you still mad over
the percentage split?
I'll make it 50-50.
This better be a good show.
- What do you say, Harry, old buddy?
- No dogs.
Just a minute, Harry. This is no dog.
Well, what is it?
Harry, this happens to be the world's
only talking dog.
Perhaps you didn't hear me. No dogs.
I'm telling you, this dog is as smart
as anybody in this place.
We're marching
to different drums, Harry.
Just a minute. Elwood, come on.
I have with me here today
Elwood, the talking dog.
I got five bucks that says
this dog can talk
as well as anyone in this room.
Do I have any takers?
Everybody in here's a chicken?
Oh, yeah?
Make it 20, buster.
20? You hear that, Elwood?
Okay, Harry, here you go.
You're covered on that.
OK, Elwood. Come on, boy, put 'em up.
Right up there.
Folks, this is Elwood,
the talking dog.
He will now give his rendition
of "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
Elwood, take it away.
A little louder.
I'll just get him started.
Mary had a little lamb.
Its... Mary...
Look Elwood,
we got 20 bucks ridin' here, so...
could you just come up with it?
We, uh...
Just tell the folks how
you ask for your dinner.
Say "din-din."
Tell you what, tell Harry "ga-ga."
Just tell Harry "ga-ga."
Why don't you go down
to the dog's bar
and see if he can get you to bark?
Just a minute now.
Tell you what, you move your lips
and I'll talk for you.
Just watch this.
Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleece was white as snow.
Everywhere that Mary...
They're not buyin' it, Elwood.
20 bucks.
This is serious.
That ring is floating around someplace.
If somebody reads the inscription,
I'm a shaggy dog again.
Who knows when that will happen?
Maybe when you're taking
the oath of office.
- That'd be a crack-up.
- [Wilby] Very funny.
The prospect of my taking
an oath of office seems highly unlikely.
You can't go through life not knowing
when you'll turn into a dog. Right?
- We've got to find that ring.
- And find it fast.
Where do you start looking
for a hot ring, Pop?
Pawn shops, swap meets,
places like that.
Admiral, I can't talk to you now.
I have some important things to do.
You're guest speaker
at the Daisies at eight bells.
I am here to see
that this time you're on time.
I'm sorry. I forgot.
[Mrs. Daniels] And I am
especially honored
to introduce our guest speaker
this afternoon,
our Daisy of the Day.
Because of the special attachment
I've had with this gentleman
over the last few years.
As you're all aware,
Mr. Daniels is running for
the office of District Attorney,
and I know whereof I speak
when I tell you that he is a man
of the highest moral fiber,
a man of unquestioned integrity
and a man dedicated to the task
that lies before him.
Mr. Daniels.
Thank you very much.
- How's it goin', Elwood?
- Hi, Katrinka.
We're out of kumquat and guava sherbet,
but the rest is here.
Fine. Say, Katrinka, I, uh...
I have a little something for you.
If it's another souvenir pillow
from Grand Rapids, forget it.
- Actually, it's a ring.
- Look, Jim...
- It's Tim.
- Yeah. Tim.
Just 'cause I waved at you once
at the roller games...
I've been meanin' to tell you,
you're the best darn skater
that the Steamrollers have.
Yeah, I know.
But like I say,
just 'cause I waved back at you,
don't mean it's ring time.
It's not a ring, actually.
It's just a present, that's all.
Just what I always wanted,
a bug ring.
Where's the cracker jack?
What's this writing in here mean?
- I'm not sure.
- "In canis corpore transmuto."
"In canis corpore transmuto."
[Wilby] What can you, the voters, do
about this deplorable state of affairs?
Come election day,
vote those people out of office,
and bring back respectability
to this community.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Daniels.
Now, the song chairman will lead us
in a chorus of "The Daisy Hymn."
All right, ladies.
- I'm not through yet.
- Yes, you are, Elwood.
(music) Side by side
(music) Symbol of our city's pride
(music) We are the Daisies
(music) Together we will stand
(music) The Daisies are the guardians
(music) Of beauty in the land
- (music) We nurture...
- [ladies scream]
Don't panic, ladies.
Keep calm.
- Where to?
- [Wilby] 152 Hadley Drive.
[Tim] Elwood!
[Whistles] Elwood!
[Tim] Hey, Elwood! Wait.
- So, who do you like in the election?
- Daniels.
I agree, but he ain't got a chance
against Slade's machine.
[Wilby] Believe me, Daniels can do it.
Elwood, come on.
Did you think you could fool me
with those glasses on?
[Wilby] They're my reading glasses!
Stop pulling on me.
You could seriously injure my windpipe.
Will you take me home?
I'll take you anywhere,
but you gotta promise me something.
Good. 'Cause I'm gonna go down
and blow Harry's mind.
This is the big one.
Look, I got a routine worked out.
Here's what I want you to do.
[Tim] You won't clam up
like you did last time?
[Wilby] I'll keep my end of the deal.
You keep yours.
[Tim] I'll go in and set it up
real cool-like.
- [Wilby] How long'll it take?
- [Tim] Never mind.
I told you to work on that routine.
How do you expect to get anywhere
if you don't rehearse?
Another Dean Martin.
(music) Down by the old mill stream
[Wilby] He sure picked a dumb song.
(music) Where I first met you
(music) With your eyes...
Move on.
[Wilby] You never seen
a dog sing before?
That's singing?
Growl! Woof.
I'll tell you what, then. Look.
Here's 40 bucks that says he can sing
"Down By the Old Mill Stream."
Words and music.
Listen, sherbet-head,
you're startin' to steam me.
Evidently you've lost your marbles.
Now I'm gonna start on your teeth.
Come on back, Elwood. Attaboy.
Hello, Elwood.
It's nice to meet you face-to-face.
We've been so close
these last few days.
Look, tell Tim that...
guess there's not really anything
you can tell Tim, is there?
Good luck, old buddy.
Go get that singing fur ball.
Name is Elwood.
It's all set, Elwood.
You got your collar off already.
Good. Come on, boy.
I got him all worked up.
I said you were gonna open with
"Down By the Old Mill Stream."
Here he is.
Elwood, the talking dog.
I've taken the liberty of telling
these folks you will sing for them.
Get right up here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for his first selection,
he'd like to do
"Down By the Old Mill Stream."
Take it away, Elwood.
He's just warming up.
Take it away, Elwood.
I'll get him started on this one.
(music) Down... Down by the old...
(music) Down...
Is it too high?
(music) Down by the old...
(music) Down by the old mill stream
(music) Where I first met you
I think it'd be kinda nice
if I helped you
and this albino footstool
to your truck, okay?
Let's talk this over.
I wanna tell you something.
That 40 bucks is comin' out
of your first million. Come on.
Maybe next time
I should wear a disguise.
Next time, comb your hair.
That would be disguise enough.
How much do they want for the brooch?
We're not shopping for a brooch.
I've gotta find that ring.
- Before I turn into a dog again.
- All right, I'm sorry.
If you turn into a dog again,
can we go hunting together?
No, we cannot go hunting together.
Will you chase Mrs. Metzler's cat?
- Brian!
- Brian.
I don't get much call
for tomato licorice.
I'm gonna let this one go to you
for just a nickel.
- Five pennies.
- What flavors you got, mister?
Oh, boy. Flavors.
You got your vanilla, chocolate,
strawberry, maple dribble, you got...
What are you doin' around here?
I'm looking for a ring
with a beetle on it.
Supposed to be a secret.
A ring with a beetle on it?
Gee, I gave one like that
to my girlfriend the other day.
You did?
She's not exactly my girlfriend.
You see...
You don't have to spread it around.
This gentleman unknowingly gave you
a ring that belongs to me.
That is, I'm not the legal owner,
but I need it.
This is a personal matter.
It'll have to wait till after work.
I'm prepared to offer a reward.
Like how much?
I get a quarter for cleaning the garage,
to give you an idea.
A thousand dollars.
A thousand dollars?
For that ring?
$2,000. It doesn't matter.
I just have to have that ring back.
You just got yourself a ring, buster.
Try the other hand.
I know I had it when I finished
the lemon meringues.
And then I...
Think $2,000.
If I find it, mister,
can I have the reward?
I don't care who gets the reward.
I just have to have that ring back.
Let me see.
I remember I put the ring on this shelf
after I finished
the special order.
Could've fallen into the mixing vat.
What special order?
For the hotel. It's already gone out.
The hotel.
If I find the ring,
could I keep the $2,000?
No, this way.
[Excited screams]
What is going on here?
Let me have that pie.
Ladies, please.
Stop this immediately.
Hit my girl with a pie, will ya?
[Auctioneer] Sold for $100.
Thanks, kids.
Remember, all proceeds
go to John Slade's war chest.
So let's all give big
for Honest John. Right?
- What is offered for this gorgeous pie?
- It's going very well.
- Of course it's going well.
- Anyone else? $120. Thank you, sir.
Ladies. Ladies.
Hold it. Hold it!
- Shut up.
- You won't find the ring this way.
That's my Pop.
You monster.
- Look at this.
- What?
That's the same ring
you got in the museum.
Yeah. I wonder how it got
in this cherry pie?
What difference does it make?
You sold it once, sell it again.
- Sorry about the noise out there.
- I'll handle it myself.
[Auctioneer] I got $250.
I have $260. Any more?
Sometimes people forget their position.
- Things got a little out of hand.
- We were just looking for...
- It was not our intention to do this.
- Daniels!
This time you have gone too far.
You are a disgrace to your profession
and the entire city.
You should be run out of town.
Excuse me, sir,
but might I have
a moment of your time?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Dr. Sturdivant,
on sabbatical from the Sorbonne.
Since I find myself
temporarily out of funds,
I'm forced to part
with this family heirloom...
at a fraction of its real value.
I wonder if you might be interested
in this princely relic of antiquity.
I'm sure I would be.
- Come on.
- Okay.
I heard on the news you recovered
the ring from the Prescott museum.
What's it to you?
It's personal.
I need to talk to someone.
The lieutenant'll be out soon,
they're identifying it now.
- I can't take a chance...
- Wait over there.
This is the ring, all right.
No doubt about it.
I'm rather relieved just
to get it out of circulation.
It's reputed to have
rather supernatural powers.
You see this inscription.
What's it all mean?
There goes Pop again.
Oh, Wilby, no!
- [Policeman] Some kind of spell?
- [Curator] Exactly.
The Renaissance aristocrats
were partial to spells.
As good as poison any day.
All right, boy. Heel.
- [Curator] You remember Dr. Plumcott?
- [Policeman] Yes.
Well, he was most interested
in this ring.
He told me of an incident,
some years ago,
of a young man who was
actually turned into a dog
through the strange powers
of this ring.
You don't really believe that.
Not really,
but still I'm careful.
I don't like to repeat it too often
lest I become sensitized
and turn into a dog myself.
Daniels is a dog, huh?
That's right.
Sometimes Daniels is a real live dog.
And look. This ring does it.
Remember his TV show,
the one that we couldn't understand?
That dog was Daniels.
And it happened two other times.
At the Daisies, Daniels disappears
and that same shaggy dog shows up?
The same thing happens today
at the police station.
Daniels disappears,
and there's that same shaggy dog?
If you don't believe me,
get him over here and see for yourself!
Daniels, I want you to drop out of
the race. Use any excuse you want.
No way, Mr. D.A. I'm in this thing
to the finish. I don't make deals.
I'll tell you something else,
I'm gonna win this election.
My first act will be to
call a grand jury investigation
into your criminal connections
in this town.
If that's all we have to talk about,
our discussion is closed.
Is this the ring you were looking for
at my pie auction?
Yeah, that looks like it.
You're sure?
It has an inscription.
- It says "canis corpore transmuto."
- Give me that!
"In canis corpore transmuto."
- [Slade laughs]
- Oh.
Come in here, please.
Raymond, this dog has no license,
and is in violation of the leash law.
Call the pound.
I already did, sir.
The truck is waiting outside.
Get out of my way.
Grab that dog!
- [Wilby] Excuse me, ma'am.
- [Woman screams]
[Wilby] Watch out!
Oh, boy.
You! Follow that dog.
Right, Mr. Slade. Get going.
If he gets away, it's back
to the complaint desk for you.
It's the dog.
Thanks, pal.
Those idiots at the pound
don't know where he is,
but I'll tell you this, Chief.
That brute is mad and vicious.
I'm going to need the help
of every squad car to find him.
- Could I ask you something, sir?
- Yes.
Why don't we make
a public announcement
saying that sometimes
Daniels is a dog?
- You know who they'd put away?
- Who?
- Us!
- [Phone rings]
Slade here.
Unit two has located the suspect.
He's heading west on Crescent.
Close in on him. Surround him.
There he is.
We've got him.
Come on.
- What's that noise?
- [Howie] Just a little mix-up.
Unit two will take over for us.
I have him in view.
All units concentrate
in the area of Rollerdrome.
Where have you been?
- Can't talk now.
- [Tim] Come here.
- Hold it. You got a ticket?
- I'm just going to get my dog.
You can't get in without a ticket.
Right up front.
John Slade. Official business.
I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.
[Man] The Steamrollers are on track
against the Juggernauts.
- [Whistle]
- The referee's whistle indicates a jam.
That means we'll see some action,
as Katrinka Muggelberg
tries to send a teammate
crashing through the Juggernaut mob.
There they go.
Hold it. Out she goes!
Whoa, Nellie!
Look at her get out of there.
Pardon me. I'm looking for a dog here.
There's no sign of him
on my side.
...Steamrollers sidelined with injuries.
Search the dressing rooms.
- [Wilby] Hi.
- Pardon me, miss.
The Steamrollers have fielded
a new skater.
Don't let him get away.
You missed him.
Here she comes.
[Wilby] Whoa!
Hey, Elwood. Let me in there.
- Elwood.
- [Truck starts]
Elwood. Hey, Elwood!
Wait a minute.
I gotta talk to ya.
Why didn't you
tell me you could skate?
This is a real showstopper.
A dog that talks, sings, skates, drives.
[Tires screech]
- [Sirens]
- Hey, Elwood.
- Slow down, or you'll get in trouble.
- Trouble? I'm already in big trouble.
Start throwing stuff out the back,
pies, syrup, ice cream.
I can't do that.
I have to pay for that stuff.
Do as I tell you.
I'm havin' a bad week.
Look out!
[Tires screech]
- Did we lose 'em?
- Lose 'em? We creamed 'em.
Elwood! Aah!
You're not going to run away again.
Sorry, Tim.
I've got a better chance on paw.
How long did that professor say
the spell lasts?
- I didn't ask.
- I'm not taking any chances.
- "In canis corpore transmuto."
- I'll do that.
- Never mind. I'll do it myself.
- Sorry, sir.
"In canis corpore transmuto."
- [Phone rings]
- I'll take that.
Slade here.
It's Howie, sir.
We've got him surrounded in Vista Grove.
And about time.
Hold him until we get there.
Get your own door.
I'll take care of this. Start the car.
[Police dispatcher] 305, stand by.
There you are, sir.
It's the tranquilizer gun, sir.
- You be ready with it.
- Yes, sir.
Daniels, I'm going to give you
one more chance.
Withdraw from the race or else.
I'm in this race to the end.
Well, that's right now.
Shoot him down.
Well, come on. Hurry up.
I think you have to release this first.
[Cries in pain]
You numbskull!
Can't you do anything right?
Very sorry, sir. Quite accidental.
Really, it was.
[Dog #1] He looks like a first-timer.
I wonder what he's in for?
[Dog #2] Vagrancy. What else?
[Dog #3] The paddy wagon boys
slipped him a mickey.
[Dog #4] Easy, you guys.
Curly's coming around.
Dummy up on our plan.
We don't know him.
[Dog #3] Hiya, tall, dark and handsome.
Welcome to one-way row, pal.
"One-way row"? Where is this?
Curly, my boy, it's the slammer.
I gotta get outta here.
You will, sweetheart, in three days.
[Dog #4] Feet first.
[Male dog] (music) Swing low
(music) Sweet chariot
(music) Comin' for to carry me home
[dog #4] It's for him.
He goes next.
(music) Swing low
(music) Sweet chariot
(music) Comin' for to carry me home
Sing it again, Sam.
Your receipt for the bail.
Thank you.
There we are.
Nice talkin' to you.
I'm sorry about this,
but Elwood was driving.
- That's what you'll tell the judge?
- I gotta tell him the truth.
Let me get this straight.
He was driving?
- Right.
- He smashed up the truck?
- Then he jumped over the moon.
- Now you're being unreasonable.
[(music) Brian hums Where, Oh Where,
Has My Little Dog Gone?]
Would you please stop
humming that song?
[Phone rings]
Animal shelter.
Hello. This is Mrs. Daniels.
I seem to have lost my dog,
and I was wondering if, by any chance...
Can you describe the animal?
He's tall and he has
a charming disposition.
He's very handsome. And, uh...
...I think he's got warm brown eyes.
Sounds more like you're
looking for Cary Grant.
Give me the breed and color.
We'll start from there.
I think he's some kind
of a sheepdog.
And he's white and he's gray.
We got a long-haired dog in today,
but this one's a real killer.
That couldn't be my Wilby.
Thank you very much.
Don't worry, Mom.
Pop can take care of himself.
He's in the pound, Mr. Slade.
I saw them cart him away.
I'm sorry.
He'll be a goner in 72 hours.
Will you get the governor on the phone.
I'm not waiting around any 72 hours.
Go on, go on.
Yes, Mr. Slade.
I'll get the governor right now.
[Dog #1] Hurry up.
We don't have all night.
[Dog #5] I'm digging.
It's rough going down here.
Now, we're bustin' outta here.
Are you with us or not?
I can't do that.
I'm running for district attorney.
[Dog #5] District attorney?
That mickey went to his head.
[Dog #3] All right, you guys.
Curly's out.
We make the break without him, see?
[Phone rings]
Animal shelter.
Who? The governor.
This is Howie, sir.
Yes, sir. I know the one.
Yes, sir.
If you say so, sir.
Right away.
[Dog #2] We're never going to make it.
[Door opens]
[Dog #4] Quick, he's comin'.
Close it up.
[Dog #2] Hurry. He'll catch us all.
Well, so long, boys.
I guess this is it.
[Howie] Come along, boy.
[Male dog] (music) Swing low
(music) Sweet chariot
Poor guy. He didn't last long.
Sorry, boy.
It's the governor's orders.
No, you don't.
Sit. Stay.
Okay, I'm with you guys.
We're breakin' outta here.
Come on, gorgeous.
Thanks, big boy.
- Let's go, brother.
- We're never going to make it.
- Make it fly, pal.
- Don't crowd me. I'm almost through.
Mr. Howie, your coffee's gettin' cold.
Mr. Howie?
What are you doing down there,
Mr. Howie?
That big dog
told me to stay.
[Dog #4] I'm through.
All right, everybody under the wall.
Move it, shorty.
And I'm sure the big dog
is in the kennel where he belongs.
[Wilby] There's our getaway truck.
Follow me.
Everybody in. I'm driving.
Hurry up. Move.
[Tires screech]
[Phone rings]
Animal shelter.
- You received the governor's orders.
- Yes, sir.
And you carried them out.
Well, um...
- Did you or didn't you?
- We've, uh...
We've had a breakout, sir.
- A breakout?
- Yes, sir.
All the dogs drove off
in our truck.
[Slade screams incoherently]
[Dog #3] Well, now,
this is more like it, see?
It's sure great to be out again.
Right, Curly?
Yeah, I guess so.
What's the matter, sweetheart?
You sound down in the chops.
There's a ring I need.
Yeah? What kind of ring is that?
Well, it's very old
and has a beetle on it,
and my opponent has it,
and I've got to get it.
I don't care if you have to call out
the National Guard.
Just find that dog.
So long, gang.
You got a better chance without me.
Thanks. We won't forget
what you done for us.
[Dog #4] Tail up, pal.
[Dog #1] Say guys, that kid's
really got problems.
Then we give him a lift, see.
After all, he gave us a leg up.
Know what I mean?
[Admiral] Hey, you there!
Out of my flowers.
Heave to, or I'll fire.
That sounded like
the admiral's shotgun.
Yes, it's the same
wooly mammoth, I tell you.
Yes, white and shaggy
with black markings.
What difference does the color make?
Brian, open up. Let me in.
Look, it's Pop.
- Hurry up. Give me a hand.
- Oh, darling.
- OK. Pull. Watch out.
- We were so worried about you.
What's happening?
Slade's got the ring.
Unless I can get it back,
he's gonna rub me out.
- Oh, no.
- [Tires screech]
There's police. Lots of 'em.
There's a van.
Looks like the SWAT team.
- I gotta get out of here.
- What are you gonna do?
I don't know how,
but I'm gonna nail Slade.
That's the way to go.
Lassie and Rin Tin Tin wouldn't give up.
[Dispatcher] 13-L-21, come in.
There's a policeman coming.
- I'm on my way. Good-bye, honey.
- Good luck.
Hurry, Pop. He's here.
- Take care of your mother, son.
- Okay, Pop.
Good evening, ma'am.
There's a mad dog in the area.
A mad dog?
I love dogs, you know.
Big dogs, small dogs,
medium dogs. Even mad dogs.
Sometimes, they're not mad.
They're just cranky.
But I really love dogs, any kind of dog.
I think I love dogs more than people.
Not a peep out of you.
You can have my wallet.
There's not much money.
Take my credit cards...
What are you doin'
in the park muggin' people?
I am not mugging anybody
and I am not Elwood.
I may look like him, but I am actually
Wilby Daniels. Is that clear?
Daniels? Sure. Gotcha.
OK, now I'm going to take this
from the top.
There's this Borgia ring, see.
A ring? Yeah, sure.
I gotcha, Elwood.
- Daniels.
- Okay.
Not many years ago,
when I was still a kid...
When you were still a kid.
So Slade got hold of the ring, see.
Now he's trying to win this race
by elimination.
My elimination, you understand?
- You got any questions?
- Questions.
A few crossed my mind.
Elwood... Mr. Daniels,
couldn't we go back
to selling ice cream?
Later. I have to get Slade and Roschak
before they get me.
Can you understand?
You're gonna help.
Right, me. Me?
[Wilby] So far, so good.
Quit trying to steer.
- [Tim] I'll get off.
- You're not going anywhere.
- [Wilby] I need you as a witness.
- Let me sit on the seat for awhile.
Elwood, look,
get somebody else to help you.
I get up early. I need 8 hours sleep.
[Wilby] There is no one else,
and no time.
- Where are we going, anyway?
- Not us, pal. You.
You're gonna beard the lion in his den.
Wanna watch the ruts?
[Slade] "In canis corpore transmuto."
[Door bell]
- You Slade?
- Yes. Who are you?
Don't matter.
Listen, I got a message
for you from Fast Eddie.
He says, "You're off the gravy train."
No more gravy.
You got it?
No more gravy.
- [Wilby] Did he buy it?
- I don't know.
- What?
- I don't know.
If I got him pegged right, his next stop
is Roschak's warehouse.
- Good.
- We're gonna be there.
We are?
I think I'm gonna throw up.
You wanna put both hands on the wheel?
[Wilby] We can get in through
that window on the roof.
We can?
- I'll stay here and keep a lookout.
- Come on.
[Wilby] Come on.
- I'm allergic to height. I can't...
- Move it.
Here, Pop.
It's better if you don't look down.
Hey, you're right. It is.
- [Wilby] You all right?
- I'm all right.
[Wilby] You're almost there.
Keep coming.
[Wilby] Follow me.
- Oh, no. Isn't that your kid?
- Don't make any noise.
Brian, look out.
I told you to stay home.
Should've sent me to obedience school.
What're we doing up here?
[Wilby] This is Roschak's theft ring.
We gotta prove that Slade's in on it.
Excuse me.
Now the kid's here, I'll split.
- [Wilby] Stay here. Follow me.
- [Tim] Right. Uh-huh.
Spendin' most of my life
on all fours.
[Wilby] Be quiet.
Shhh. These men are killers.
- Isn't that our TV set?
- That's it.
Bet they got all our other stuff too.
- Is our car here, Pop?
- Probably sold it days ago.
[Man] I think we lifted
that 'Vette before.
[Roschak] Paint it and change
the serial number.
- Keep your eye out for some Porsches.
- [Man] We got some spotted.
- Good night, Mr. Roschak.
- Good night.
Hear that?
We could bust 'em easy with that.
[Wilby] That doesn't prove
Slade's involved.
But that could.
I wonder how these things work?
[Loud music]
Turn it off!
What do you want to do
with the tape recorder?
Get it in Roschak's office.
Tim, you gotta get him
away from there.
Now, what I'll do... me?
- Me?
- Right now.
Go back.
But he's got a knife.
He could...
Your "shasfras" down there at
the "ricktofrasen" is condensing.
The what?
Your "shasafras" at the "ricktofrasen."
Got a big gnarl in the tube.
Could back up on ya.
Who are you?
Me? I'm Roschak's new man down here.
I just came on.
If you don't "gaffenhausen" that
alternator, it's gonna get on the floor.
Ever have "creoblustate" on your shoes?
Gotta burn 'em.
I saw it eat a saddle right out
from under a jockey one time.
Goes like that. Turns it blue.
You wanna come down there,
take a look at it?
Why don't you leave
that knife here?
Right down here's that "glutenhauser"
I wanted you to look at.
You come right there.
Don't get too close.
I don't want to get
"creoblustate" on your shoes.
Look in there, give it a little...
We got him, Pop!
You knocked him out cold
in the "freidenglar".
"In canis corpore transmuto."
I wouldn't say that too often.
- Why not?
- The professor was always careful.
He was afraid he might become sensitized
and turn into a dog himself.
"In canis corpore transmuto."
- What are you doin' here?
- Open up.
All right.
Uh-oh. Now Pop's stuck in there.
Roschak, I want a word with you.
Not very smart to come down here.
If you've got some idea of cutting
me out, I wanna hear it from you.
Not from one of your messenger boys.
What are you talkin' about?
One of your punks came to my house.
He started to lean on me
and tell me, and I quote,
"You're off the gravy train."
Oh, John, John, John. Relax.
It's business as usual with us.
If you didn't tell him, who did?
Beats me, but if I find out,
I'm gonna scratch him permanently.
Could have been that Daniels guy.
But he would have to have
proof in court, right?
- Why am I telling you? You're a lawyer.
- Right.
I've got a bottle in the other room.
Let's have a drink.
To another good year.
- How'd that dog get in here?
- [Slade] Dog?
That's Daniels.
Stop him. He's got everything on tape!
- [Roschak] That's Daniels?
- Shoot him.
Take it.
Grab one of those cars.
I'll draw them off.
They're coming.
Woof, woof.
Woof, woof?
After him!
Come on. Pop told us to get a car.
All right, Daniels.
Come on out.
Get it over with.
You haven't got a chance.
I've got the ring.
You've got nothing.
[Dogs bark]
Hey, this what you lookin' for, pal?
That's it. Thanks.
You have no idea.
Forget it.
It's on us, sweetheart.
We take care of our own, see.
So long, pal.
Now hurry.
Hey! Get us outta here.
- What was that?
- Daniels, you ninny! After him!
- You got the tape recorder?
- Got the ring?
It's going to be put away where nobody
will get a hold of it again.
- Faster.
- There's a red light coming up.
I don't care what's coming up.
Just keep on going.
Tell them who I am.
Say it's official business.
Can I see your
driver's license, sir?
Officer, District Attorney
John Slade is back there.
We're on official business.
He is?
Well, what are you starin' at?
Hang onto that. Don't let anybody
touch it till the grand jury hears it.
Mom, we're home,
and dad's not a dog anymore.
Three loaves of rye bread,
cold cuts, the dip,
a cherry pie, some paper plates
and cups, napkins.
- Hi.
- How ya doin', partner?
Hi, Elwood.
Mr. District Attorney.
We're shopping
for our announcement party.
- Well, we'll be there.
- And take good care of my buddies.
- Anything they want.
- Bye.
Guess you better make that
16 Porterhouse steaks.
Come on.