The Slammin' Salmon (2009) Movie Script

And he's down. That's it!
That's it.
Cleon "Slammin"' Salmon
is still the Heavyweight
Champion of the World.
What a deadly punch.
It's all over.
Hi. Two?
Hey, buddy.
Do me a favor.
My girlfriend don't like her tuna.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
What do you mean?
You just said it was undercooked.
- Tell the guy.
- It's fine, Anthony. The guy is busy.
Stacy, he's a monkey wrench.
It's his job. Look.
Oh, let me get that for you.
See? Just tell him what you want
and he'll do it.
- I'm not even that hungry.
- You know what?
Look, this is a little raw.
Just put a little fire on it, all right, buddy?
Uh, sir, tuna is a very delicate fish.
You think you're better than me?
No, I don't think
I'm better than you, sir.
Well, you talk to me like I never
ate a piece of fucking fish before.
I'm sure you've had
some fish before, sir.
You know what?
Tell the chef to cook it nice.
And here, we need more butter.
I will be right back.
- Yeah, you will.
- Thank you.
Now we got no butter.
Dave, can I get a re-fire?
What did you just say to me?
The guy on table five wants
it cooked a little bit more.
No, they asked for it medium rare.
It's perfect.
If he wants it cooked more
tell him to go shove it up his ass.
You want me to tell that guy
to cook this in his ass?
Yeah, within the inside of his anus.
- Come on, Dave.
- Fine.
Dave, come on.
Fuck him if he doesn't know
what medium rare is.
Are you kidding me?
When I said cook it nice, I didn't mean
bring it back looking like a fucking turd.
Sir, I actually do not cook the food.
I am just a waiter.
Oh, a smart guy.
You want to get smart with me,
smart guy?
Oh, great.
What are you gonna do, kick his ass?
Yeah, maybe I am.
You want me to?
Sure, go ahead.
You always got to beat
the shit out of the loser.
Like the waiter at the Macaroni Grill,
the waiter at the Olive Garden,
the waiter at Buca di Beppo.
Sir, here at the Slammin' Salmon
there are no problems, just solutions.
You know what?
Here, you puck ass bitch. Here.
You like that?
How about some of that?
Tell me what that tastes like.
And you better say like shit.
Like shit.
Good, now get the fuck out of here
and bring us some swordfish instead.
I'll be right back.
And you better not spit that out.
Okay, I will not.
Thank you.
Up yours, you shit bird.
You've got to be
fucking fucking me.
Were you just eating that piece
of fish on the floor?
You have no idea.
This guy made me eat it.
Oh, really?
A customer shoved the food in your
mouth and told you you had to eat it?
Yeah. He actually told me
I couldn't spit it out too.
Oh man, that's crazy.
And I'm the Prime Minister of Narnia.
You're paying for that piece of fish.
It was a send back.
Then you should have put it
in the send back area.
- You're paying for it.
- You know what?
Fuck this, Carl.
I quit.
Fine, but I'm not the one
you have to tell.
You've got to tell the Champ.
And I know you don't have
the guts to do it.
All right then, I'll just leave.
Screw the Champ.
You really think you can walk out of here
without telling the Champ?
You remember Marty Millman?
Marty Millman is breathing through
a hole in his throat right now.
Rich, he will find you
and ass fuck you
in the face or in the mouth.
Fine, I'll tell him to his face.
- Okay, fine.
- I'll tell him myself.
- Okay, go for it.
- I'm gonna go right now.
- Okay, good luck.
- I'm not afraid of him.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- I'll see you soon.
- We'll be here.
- Carl.
In his face, right?
Shit. Fuck it.
Fuck this.
Hey, Carl.
Rich Parente is not a quitter.
Guess we ain't getting
our swordfish.
Dude, last night was sick.
I was rolling with my boys
down at Club Merengue
and they called last call.
So I reminded them
it's now daylight savings
and we got an extra hour.
And in that hour
I had five Smirnoff Ices...
and I walked out of there
with a Bangladeshi hooker.
I banged her deshi
all night long.
Where'd you go pimping
last night, playboy?
I too had a wild night last night.
I made sweet hot love
to an orangutan.
A bachelor party?
- Oh yeah.
- What'd it smell like?
- Bananas mostly.
- Really?
Guy, I'm pulling your leg.
I did not fuck
an orangutan last night.
I have student teacher
evaluations coming up.
Keep going, playboy.
I'm listening.
- There's one kid who-
- Hey.
So, did you hear
who's coming back tonight?
Yeah, Connor.
God, I can't believe it.
Can you imagine
being the star of a TV show
and then having to come back
and wait tables?
I know.
It's humiliating.
Hey, do you think you guys
will get it on again?
Yeah right.
He should be so lucky.
You don't get two bites of the apple,
especially when it's Golden Delicious.
Oh, yeah.
- Dave: Chow down.
- Yes!
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm starving.
What you pigs are eating
is the blackened cod.
It comes with rosemary mashed potatoes
and tempura mushrooms.
It's blackened because- hey!
It's blackened because I bought 60 pieces
last Tuesday and it's gone bad.
I'll give a free dessert to whoever
sells the most of this shit.
- You bitch.
- Rich: Guys.
I hate to be a ball buster,
but somebody was toking marijuana
in the coat checkroom last night
and that is a big no no never.
Rich, you put me on
for a double tomorrow.
You said you needed
money for ballet school.
I do, but I also told you
that I'd get shin splints
if I work a double.
- Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
- That's right.
Shin splints, okay, you're right.
I will change that right away.
Who the hell is that?
Oh, that's our new busboy.
Donnie, could you
come over here, please?
Donnie is Dave's twin brother.
Straighten your fucking bow tie.
No, you went too far.
I'll warn you guys now,
he's a complete retard.
- I told you not to call me that.
- You what?
- I said you're the retard.
- You're the retard!
- You're the retard.
- You're the retard.
- You're the re-
- Shut up!
- Weird.
- Donnie Kanogi, hi.
- You a douchebag like your brother?
- No, I-
- Donnie Kanogi.
- Tara.
Don't worry about it.
My sister's a dick too. I get it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
straight from TV land,
our old friend Connor Rhodes!
What's up? What's up?
I missed each and every one of you.
Rich: Look at him.
Look at this guy.
- Hey.
- There you go.
We watched you every single Sunday
for two weeks.
Hot stuff.
- Dude! Ha ha!
- Whoa!
Oh, you did get a nose job.
No no, my hair is longer
and it makes my face look tiny.
We noticed it looked smaller
on TV
but we thought it was makeup.
It's strange, I know, but the camera
actually takes 2 lbs off your nose.
I think you took 2 lbs
off your nose.
Nice one, Dick P.
But seriously, I did not get a nose job.
Hey, true to form,
you're an hour late.
- Nuh-uh. Daylight savings.
- Then you should be an hour early.
- Oh.
- Pretty good, huh?
All right, everybody, hit the floor.
Let's have a big night tonight.
- Whoo!
- Let's see some pep in that step.
- Let's do it.
- Oh, I'm Donnie.
- Welcome back.
- Thank you. Nice to see you.
- Good to see you.
- You look good.
- You do too.
- How are you doing?
Wow, frosty.
So are you gonna be
all right with this?
Yeah yeah. Well, you know,
I spent a shitload of cash I didn't have.
So... got to eat.
Go to work.
- Okay. Working, huh?
- Yeah.
So what, you like quit
to be on a TV show?
Yeah yeah, I got a lead role
on "CFI Hotlanta."
- No way.
- Yeah.
Connor walked out of here
in a blaze of glory.
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm famous!
I'm famous!
Cole slaw never tasted so good.
Fucking big nose.
Suck it. Eat a dick.
Eat a dick.
Suck it. Lick it.
Stick it.
Double dick it.
And fuck you!
- Cole slaw!
- Yeah.
They killed me off
after two episodes.
- Aw, how come?
- Because every time he came on TV
America threw up in their mouths
just a little bit.
Oh, yes.
Actually, it's because the actress
who plays the police commissioner
and I took a little trip
to Ejacuidor together.
Whoa, wait.
Isn't that Morgan Fairchild?
It is Morgan Fairchild.
- What?
- All right.
- Dude!
- She's hot!
But the creator of the show,
this guy named Dick Lobo,
got jealous and suddenly
Detective Shep Winford
would up dead in a petting zoo
with the killer's sperm in his shoes.
Wait, his sperm was in your shoe?
Whatever, dude.
Tell us about Morgan Fairchild.
Was she wet? Was she dry?
Did she laugh? Did she cry?
All right, day one of shooting,
Morgan Fairchild is giving me
the stink eye something fierce.
At the end of the day she says,
"I want to see you in my trailer."
So I knock on the door,
open it up and go in
and Morgan Fairchild is wearing
the tiniest piece of lingerie.
I mean, it's not even lingerie.
It's like Silly String.
- What color?
- See-through.
- See-through?
- Like a spider web.
That's so hot.
She says, "I've got a little
welcome present for you."
Takes out a gift wrapped box,
opens it,
reaches in and pulls out,
and I shit you not,
the biggest, blackest-
- Woman: Welcome to Slammin' Salmon.
- Man: Thank you.
- Just one?
- Just one.
- No no no.
- Not my section. Not my section.
- He's definitely coming back.
- No he's not.
- No no no no.
- No no no no.
- Ah!
- Damn it!
You do not seat one person
at a four top.
Sorry, Guy.
Can you please wait until I get back
to finish that story?
- I can't wait.
- No dice, Jim Rice.
- Come on.
- They've spoken, Guy.
All right, she reaches in
and pulls out, and I shit you not...
Hey, sport.
How are you?
Welcome to the Slammin' Salmon.
I'm Guy.
Well, hello, Guy.
I'm Horace, and thank you.
Oh no!
Sounds like someone
told a great story.
Yes it does.
Connor, I just sat you.
Welcome back.
It's good we didn't get a booth.
Don't forget
your Slammin' Salmon smile.
Is that a real thing?
- Do I need to know that?
- Mia: Yeah.
Honey, I'm not hungry.
Can we just split a couple things?
Hi, welcome to the Slammin' Salmon.
- Okay.
- Oh my God, I know you.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, I definitely know you.
- Where do I know you from?
- Maybe he's in your spinning class.
- He looks like a spinner.
- Honey, he's not a spinner.
Oh, God, it's driving me crazy.
I know I've seen
you somewhere before.
Is it from TV do you think?
Yes, I've got it.
Yeah, you waited on me
last time I was here.
Well, I left for a while to be one
of the leads on "CFI Hotlanta."
No way. I'm the black woman
from "Law & Order," so...
- You're so funny.
- Thanks.
- I'll have a Merlot.
- Dry Sack, rocks.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from Hell's Kitchen, New York,
the Doctor of Destruction,
the Captain of Crunch,
the Heavyweight Champion
of the World,
Slammin' Cleon Salmon.
Thank you. I hope you find the seafood
to be succulent.
And if you need anything,
anything at all,
remember- ding-
ring the bell.
And come back soon,
or else I'll ring your bell.
Oh, look at that.
You've been working out.
Let's see. Come here.
Yeah. Okay.
Nuts, I need a drink.
$200 for a babysitter?
I mean, come on, that's a lot of money.
No, you're totally worth it.
I know how much
you love Norah Jones.
I love her too. I bought the tickets.
Front row seats.
My favorite song?
"Don't Know Why"?
Recording: Round one.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
I've got to go. I love you.
Well, if it isn't the King of Siam.
- Make yourself at home.
- Okay. Hey, Champ.
Didn't mean to sit in your chair.
Sorry about that.
I'm just being humorous.
But I do want to talk
about something serious.
Are you familiar with
Japanese albino hunting?
Can't say that I am, no.
Oh my God, it is all the rage
in Japan right now.
What they do is they set a bunch
of Japanese albinos
loose in the forest
and you hunt them.
And you shoot them?
No no, it's just for sport.
Strictly catch and release.
Who is it?!
Round one.
Your drink, Champ.
Oh, crazy straw.
Wow, that's good.
So my first time
hunting these albinos
an albino ran right past me.
I got so nervous
I smacked him in the head
and almost depacitated him.
It's decapitated, Champ.
Whatever, motherfucker!
Round one.
Now where was I?
You were talking about Japanese
albino hunting.
Oh yeah. So I bet the head
of the Yakuza
20 grand that I could catch
more albinos than him.
I mean, look at me, come on.
I'm an athlete.
Well, you know what?
I got my ass kicked.
And now I've got to pay him
20 grand by tomorrow.
Sounds like someone
has to go to the ATM machine.
Yeah, you would think that.
But I'm a little cash-poor right now.
I bought some land on the moon
next to John Travolta.
Smart. Real estate
is a very safe investment.
So here's what
you've got to do for me.
I need you to make 20 grand tonight
or else these guys are gonna come
and take the restaurant.
Champ, the most the restaurant
has ever made in one night
is 15 grand.
Oh, boo hoo hoo.
I don't care.
I wish you would have told me.
I would have had more waiters on tonight.
I wish Nino Gutierrez
would have told me
he was gonna sock me with a hard right
in the Fracas in Caracas.
And now look at him.
He's dead.
I can see that.
So figure it out.
If you don't get me 20 grand by tonight
I'm gonna lose the restaurant.
If I lose the restaurant
I'm gonna be mad.
And if I'm mad I'm gonna beat
the shit out of you
and break all your arms.
Champ, I'm gonna need those arms.
I got three kids.
All the more reason to keep it open.
I'm gonna skedaddle.
I'll be back to check on you later.
Round one.
Oh boy.
Everybody listen up, please.
Hello, everyone listen to me, please.
Champ wants a big night tonight.
So he is offering a prize
to the top selling waiter.
- Ooh, is it cash?
- It's not cash, but it's something better.
- What, a blowjob from your mother?
- Oh!
No no, it's not a blowjob
from my mother, okay?
The prize for the top selling waiter,
two front row seats to the Norah Jones
concert this week.
Oh my God, oh my God!
I love Norah Jones.
Oh my God.
- Right? Right?
- Sweet, I'm in.
Are you serious?
You like Norah Jones?
No, she's a slag.
But think of all the tang
that's gonna be at that show.
I'll be up to my elbows in tang.
Like a fucking astronaut.
With a space helmet on.
You're a weird fucking dude.
You know that?
I am so gonna win this.
Do tips count?
Tips count.
Champ loves great service, right?
Okay, give me your tips as you get them
and I'll post it up on the board, okay?
- All right.
- Now everyone,
get out there and move some fish.
I've never lost at anything in my life.
Look at this good-looking
group of men.
So are you boys hungry?
Mmm, well you know what they say
about a man with a big appetite.
It's all true.
Good. 'Cause you know what?
You're gonna have
the 4-lb lobster tonight.
- Okay.
- Okay? And so are you. And you.
I just have to tell you,
I am a huge fan.
"Dogs of the Sahara"
is a perfect movie.
And your acting in it is sick.
Like hospital sick.
Wow. Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
Seriously, I think you discovered,
like, a new emotion in that movie.
Really? I didn't know.
Thanks again.
Well, what kind of emotion?
Well, you know, it's like
he's like brave
but naive.
You know?
Like braive.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Sorry, I never do this.
- What's your name, pal?
- I'm Connor.
- Connor, I'm Marlon.
And this is my girlfriend Samara Dubois.
Oh, I read "US Weekly."
I know who this is.
The interior designer
who stole your heart.
That's right.
I hired her to decorate my chill chalet.
She said, "First things first.
You should just call it a 'chilet."'
I fell in love with her right then and there.
I just put the two words together.
Chilet. I love that.
New guy.
- So what's this?
- Little tradition here at the Salmon.
Anytime a busboy breaks something
he does a shot of Blue Curacao.
Is it cool to drink on the job?
Do you need to ask your big brother
for permission?
Do you want to try shaving with this?
Okay, yeah, let's see.
I'm older by eight hours.
And don't worry.
No one will ever know.
- Hey, Conman.
- Mr. Spencer.
I was wondering
if you could help me out.
Oh my God, this is really sudden.
I'm proposing to Samara tonight.
Wow, somebody finally put
a saddle on you, huh, bronco?
Um, yeah.
When we order dessert,
could you put the ring in it
so she can find it?
Yeah yeah yeah.
Let's get her drunk so she says yes.
That's a custom-made ring, yeah?
It's safe with me.
You have my word.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Send back
- Oh, out of the way. It's a dessert.
- Somebody sent back a dessert.
- Oh my God.
When somebody sends back a dessert
you've got to move fast.
They're like wild jackals
at their mother's teat.
I've got to get lemons.
Tara, will you watch my section?
- Mmm, yup.
- This is good!
- What's up, Mamma Mia?
- Uh-oh.
The old follow me down
to the walk-in fridge game, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
Frankly, I didn't expect to see
you here at the Salmon again.
Yeah, well, I figure I'm here
three or four months tops.
And then I'm moving to California
to do some modeling.
Well, don't you
have to be like tall,
muscular and really hot to model?
No no, not anymore. You'd be amazed
what they can do with CGI these days.
I like the new nose, by the way.
It's so funny that you all think that.
'Cause it's the same nose it always was.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
- Want to take a closer look?
- I just might.
- You fucking love it.
- Yeah.
Oh my God!
Oh yes!
- So fucking hot.
- Yeah.
Wow. You know what?
I'm not your tickle friend anymore.
Well, you are saying no
but a couple of your friends
are saying yes.
It's cold in here, asshole.
Why do they call you Nuts?
Because I'm crazy.
You don't look crazy.
Oh, I'm insane.
You should see me
without my meds.
At my last job,
I didn't take my meds one day,
hour later I was walking around naked
with peanut butter in my hair
telling people my name was Zongo.
I delivered an old lady a cup
of hot water with my balls in it.
Yeah, talk about your Red Zinger.
Yeah, but I don't
remember any of it.
My balls were red though.
- Are you serious?
- Totally.
No, I'm joking.
But it is true.
- Sir.
- Huh?
Are you ready to order your entree?
Oh, I haven't even looked
at the menu.
Oh, that's my party people.
Hey, all right.
You've been here for an hour, sir.
Surely you must be hungry.
Oh, I am.
I'll take a look.
In the meantime, I'll have a drink.
Tell me, Guy,
what goes well with Tolstoy?
Dom Perignon, Cristal,
perhaps a Chateau Margaux,
or even a 1945 Rothschild.
Well, I'll take all four.
- Really?
- No.
I'll just have a cup of hot water
with a wedge of lemon.
Living on the edge.
- Tara: Oh no, here.
- Hold on, hold on.
Oh, come on.
Oh, Jesus.
Connor: Nuts, you fucker.
Uh-oh! Dick P, a little help?
- What are you guys doing?
- Dicking around, bro.
- Yahtzee!
- What are you doing with the booze?
Donnie, leave us.
Grab me an olive from the bar, please.
Dave Kanogi's brother.
I'm hazing the shit out of him, dude.
Maybe you should be selling
the shit out of the food, dude.
- Tara.
- Yes?
You love Norah Jones.
I mean, "Come Away With Me."
You love that song.
I've heard you humming it.
Yes, I also hum the Macarena.
It doesn't mean I want to go
to the Macarena concert.
- Oh, snap.
- Well, Norah Jones is different.
I mean, she's cool and folksy and jazzy.
Come on.
Rich, look, I'm in medical school, okay?
I don't have time to go to a concert.
- What about you?
- I'm not sure who Norma Jones is.
- Is she the puppeteer?
- No.
Here's the thing. Norah Jones is for
chicks and weepy dorks like you.
If I'm gonna make the Champ richer,
I want a real prize.
Till then, you tell him
to go fuck a cow.
- What's up?
- Oh, snap!
Hey, retards,
you want to answer the phone?
Oh, I'll do it.
I'm only the manager.
Good evening.
Persuasions Spa and Casino Resort.
I'm Stanley Bellin.
How may I persuade you?
Hey, Stanley. It's Rich Parente
calling on behalf of Cleon Salmon.
Yeah, the Champ would like to book
his regular suite.
Oh, I'm afraid the suite
is not available for Mr. Salmon.
What do you mean? Why not?
'Cause last time
Mr. Salmon's pet kangaroo
defecated in our kitchen.
Oh, well, that kangaroo
is no longer with us.
The Champ actually killed him
during a sparring session.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Unfortunately I will have to
politely say no.
Is that Stanley?
- Let me talk to him.
- Don't tell him it's me. Just-
Yes, Champ.
It's Stanley Bellin.
Tell him I said I want
the Emperor Suite
or I'm gonna shove his ass
up his ass.
Uh, of course Mr. Salmon
can stay in the Emperor Suite.
I was merely joking.
Tell him to make the reservation
under King Kamehameha.
All right, Kamehameha.
How many Ms?
And it better be free or I'm gonna
knock Stanley into Bolivian.
Yeah, he said that he was
hoping it would be free
or he was gonna knock you
into Bolivian.
But I think he means oblivion.
Whatever, motherfucker!
It'll be free.
It'll be free.
Guys, listen up.
New deal, okay?
Champ is very serious
about selling big tonight.
So there's a new prize.
A four-day, three-night stay
at the Persuasions Spa
and Casino Resort Hotel in Key Largo.
- That sounds awesome.
- Really?
Wait a minute, is that the gay key?
It's the straight key, Guy.
What if he wanted the gay key?
Why would I want the gay key?
- I thought you said you...
- Rich: All right, listen listen listen.
It's a great prize.
Come on.
Persuasions Spa
and Casino Resort Hotel.
- That's awesome.
- Hell yeah, Dick P.
Here are the current standings, okay?
Nuts, Tara, let's pick it up
a notch, okay?
My suggestion to you guys,
sell the cod.
One of the most expensive
items on the menu.
$38.95, okay?
Let's get out there
and turn 'em and burn 'em.
All right?
Come on, sell some cod.
Well, you have got to try the cod.
Is it fishy?
I don't really like fishy fish.
Oh, no no no.
The cod is the least fishy of the fishes.
It's so unfishy it's not even
classified as a fish.
I'll take one.
Do yourself a favor,
order the cod.
Is it a fishy fish?
I like my fish fishy.
Cod is definitely
the fishiest fish there is.
And a fishy fish
is a healthy fish.
Did you know that cod
is a flying fish?
It's flying off the shelf tonight.
Is it flakey?
I like flakey.
Very flakey.
The Eskimo name for cod
is actually ponacana
which means flake fish.
It's a rare Moroccan midget cod.
It's almost impossible to catch
so the portions are tiny.
You might want to get two per person.
Moroccan midget cod?
I've heard of that.
It's really good.
I usually don't swear at my tables,
but you people look really cool.
So it's fucking delicious.
We'll get fucking two each.
Good order.
- I've got to ask you something.
- Okay.
Were you on "CFI Hotlanta"?
Uh, yeah, I was.
I knew it.
I said you were on
"The Bachelorette," dude.
Well, they're both good shows,
I suppose.
I love both of those shows.
Hey, Conman,
when you're ready,
I think we're ready for desert.
We'll have a brownie,
one scoop of vanilla ice cream
and two spoons.
Mmm, carbs.
Yeah, I will get that right out to you.
You know,
oysters are an aphrodisiac.
More oysters,
more aphrodisia.
That is if you guys think
you're gonna get lucky tonight.
I probably will.
What's up, boys?
Did you dirty ho-daddies
wish this perfect angel
a happy birthday yet?
Oh, it's your birthday?
Where's your birthday suit?
- You're so bad.
- I can be worse.
Donnie, have you ever noticed
that redheaded people
breathe through their mouths?
Like orangutans?
Yeah, exactly like orangutans.
Happy birthday?
Donnie, leave us.
Bring me a cocktail onion
from the bar, please.
What can I say?
I thought I'd help you get a big tip.
Just like the old days.
And while we're at it...
may I ask for your hand?
Ooh, I accept.
You know,
if you and I work together,
we will definitely win
this Key Largo prize.
Mmm, no.
Come on, Mia.
Why are you being so difficult?
I want my tickle friend back.
- You do?
- Ooh!
Rich, did you just
take a bite of that?
Something's stuck.
Jesus Christ, there was
a diamond ring in that brownie.
It was in the send back area.
It was up for grabs.
- You said it was a send back.
- I said I want my tickle friend back.
What the fuck is a tickle friend?
Cough it up.
- Whoo!
- Connor: Come on!
I'm not choking.
I swallowed it.
Get it out.
Clam chowder for the gentleman.
One, two, three.
The salmon and haricots verts
for the lady.
One, two, three.
Soup spoon.
One, two, three.
Is there anything else
I can get you this evening?
I think we're fine for now.
Thank you.
One, two, three.
Uh, enjoy your wine.
Dude, it's heading down to Funkytown.
I can't feel it anymore.
- What is that thing?
- It's a stud finder.
Stud finder?
Sounds like a gay dating service.
Can we just get the ring, please?
- Tara.
- What?
We need medical help. Rich just swallowed
a really important diamond ring.
Um, is it still in the esophagus?
Okay, well, it's too deep
to expunge by vomiting.
It could tear the esophageal
tissue on its way up.
After all, it is a diamond.
Hardest substance
known to man!
Look, my advice-
you have to pass it anally.
- Oh, shit.
- Hope it doesn't turn into coal.
Dude, you better pray it doesn't
fork off into your dick.
Nuts, what was with that counting
thing at the table?
Did you take your meds today?
Meds? Yeah, 3:30.
Took 'em before I came here.
Next one is at 8:30.
Right now.
Wait, did you account
for daylight savings?
Daylight savings.
No. No.
Well, that means that your body
actually thinks it's 9:30.
You were supposed to take
your meds an hour ago.
Uh-oh. Not good.
Okay, look, why don't you take them
and I'll watch your section?
Probably all those cock rings
jangling around in there.
Nuts, Nuts, Nuts,
where are you going?
I've got to get something out
of the coat room. Just take a second.
Can you watch these guy's tables?
I got a diamond ring in me, man.
That's all right.
I'll get it later.
- Was he just skipping?
- What?
- Was he just skipping?
- Pig in a poke.
Let's get back to work.
I think I got a pretty good bead
on a lunch box.
What's up, buddy?
Okay, there's been a bit of a snag.
Okay, what?
Someone ate your engagement ring.
You're fucking with me.
That's good.
No. I put the ring in the brownie
and I turned my back
for just one second
and a member of the staff
ate the brownie.
You stupid cock.
That was a $450,000
South African Bing diamond.
I want to speak to the manager
and the asshole who ate it now.
Did you know some dumb fuck
ate my ring?
Yes, sir.
And I'm terribly sorry about that.
So what are you gonna do about it?
I'm trying to pass it.
- Come again?
- I'm trying to pass it.
Coffee, cigarettes, laxatives.
- It was you?
- Uh, yes it was.
That was a $450,000 South African
Bing diamond you just ate.
Uh, your meal
is on the house tonight.
Screw the meal.
If you don't fuck out that shitting diamond
and fast I'm gonna kick your ass.
And Conster, there will be
a sequel to that.
Como se dice
"Cleveland steamer"?
Don't worry about it.
Yo, Dave.
No, don't even say it.
The woman said it's cold.
- It's steaming.
- I know.
Fucking customers, huh?
I mean, I told her to cook with her ass
and then go fuck herself but she insisted.
I like you, Guy.
Jamie, nuke the dick out of it.
Si, seor.
Hey, what's that blue shit
on your lips?
- Blue Curacao.
- Are you drunk?
Asshole, I got you this fucking job.
You screw this up,
I'm telling Mom.
Come on, Seor Dave, get him!
Get him, Dave.
Come on, man.
I'm gonna stick
your fucking face in the oven.
I fucking hate you!
Come on, seor!
Twins are disgusting, man.
Want me to put your head in the oven? 'Cause I'll do
it! I'll do it!
I'm sorry.
The kitchen just told me
we're out of the brownies.
So would you like
the souffl instead?
It takes an hour to prepare.
I don't think
that we actually need-
- Oh, we'll take it.
- Honey.
Now tell me all about your plans
for the living room.
where is my boyfriend
and what did you do with him?
Okay, think pillows.
- I'll leave you two alone.
- Starting with the bathtub...
Oh, thank you.
I'm a ballerina, you know?
And I'm putting myself through
the Bilitnikoff Ballet School.
Well, you certainly
got the body for it.
And it stretches in every direction.
Uh, here's a little something extra
for the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Oh, thank you.
What are you looking at, Liz?
- You are so winning this contest.
- Oh, yeah.
Don't cry.
It's gonna look fine.
Oh, gently gently gently.
This looks all right.
Was this a cream-based soup?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
- Does that make a difference?
- Sometimes.
Okay, well, it looks like
first-degree burns.
It could lead to some
epidermal scarring.
I want you to go home and get some rest
and drink plenty of water.
I am not going home.
I'm in first place.
Hey, that's the spirit, Mia.
Get out there.
What? Rich, no.
Look, she needs to rest
and put some ichthammol
or sulfadiazine on her face.
Yeah, Rich, she needs
Thank you, Donnie.
At least someone here has a heart.
- Thank you.
- Um, all right.
You guys are right.
You're right.
Mia, you should go home.
Did Baryshnikov go home
when he twisted his ankle
at the Bolshoi Festival?
I, uh...
Did Vladimir Putinski walk away
when he sprained his toe
doing "The Marzipan King"
at the Ballet des Elyses?
I'm guessing by your tone, no.
Okay, did Joe Theesman quit baseball
when he broke his leg?
Um, it's actually Joe Theismann,
and he never played football again.
Either way, I am tougher
than you are, motherfucker.
Shh, what's that?
Oh no. Oh, shit.
Okay, I'll be back.
- Look, Mia, just sit down, okay?
- Yeah yeah. Don't touch.
The Captain of Crunch,
the Heavyweight Champion
of the World,
Slammin' Cleon Salmon.
You've got to be kidding me.
I am here.
Undefeated, baby.
- The king is here.
- You're number one.
How you doing?
Come here and give me a hug.
Mmm, you look good.
Hey, get a carrot for
the SS Fudgealicious, okay?
I assume that's the horse?
Never assume. When you assume
you make an asshole out of yourself.
All right, thank you.
Go back to eating.
Enjoy yourselves.
Forget it. It's not about me.
Hey, Rich, tell Dave
to cook that swordfish.
I won it from Emeril Lagasse
in a thumb-wrestling contest.
I broke this thumb. Bam!
He cried like a baby.
Hey, look,
me and Mr. Yamamuri,
we want the best seat
in the house.
We want the royal treatment, Rich.
Uh, Champ, you can't.
I mean, we need those tables
if you want to earn the 20 grand.
That's nice, Rich.
Check this out.
If you don't find me a table,
I'm gonna shove him
up your ass.
Champ, isn't he Yakuza?
Come on, man. Don't be racist.
No, he's not Yakuza.
Mr. Yamamuri is gonna make the first
Slammin' Salmon candy bar in Japan.
Check it out- a layer of chocolate,
nougat, peanut, more nougat
and salmon.
Yeah, I know it sounds nasty,
but trust me.
They love that fish candy
over in the Orient.
Now I'm saying that to say this:
shut the fuck up,
get me a table,
or I'm gonna use your nuts
for cufflinks.
- Coming right up. Great.
- All right.
- Candy bar sounds delicious.
- It is.
- Okay, be right back.
- All right.
You're gonna love this waitress.
She's a ballerina.
Graceful like a swan.
Tell Mr. Yamamuri.
Hey, Champ.
What the fuck happened to you?
I got burned with soup.
Don't you know you're supposed
to blow on it first?
Yes, Champ.
Well, don't just stand there.
Get out of here, soup face.
You're offending
my Tokyokan guest.
- Get me the smart girl.
- Tara?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get her for you.
And tell her to bring me
some champagne.
I am so sorry, but her soup face
scared the shit out of me.
My voice is not that high.
This says eight hours.
I need something faster.
I hear eye-drops
work on some people.
One glass of apple juice
and I can fill up a mailbox.
- Yogurt.
- Cheddar cheese.
Tara, the Champ wants you
to wait on him.
Oh, okay.
- Cause of the...
- Oh, yeah. Right.
Mr. Yamamuri say he think
if Muhammad Ali
was still young man
no one ever defeat him.
Yeah, well, if ifs and buts
was candies and nuts,
we'd all have a merry Christmas.
Tell him that.
No, I didn't say that.
If ifs and buts
was candies and nuts,
we'd all have a merry Christmas.
Yes, Champ-san.
- I translate-
- Say it!
If if and but
was candy and nut,
we all have a merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Was that so hard?
- Hey, Champ.
- Mmm.
Dave, what did you do?
Did you blow Papa Smurf?
Blow Papa Smurf.
We got a couple of stiffs over here.
Champ, would you like
to order some appetizers?
Yes, I would like to order
some encrapments.
I will have the frutti del mare,
the oysters del cabana
and the clams casino.
And for the entree I want
that swordfish that I caught.
Oh, and Dave, make sure
you cook the nose too.
I want to see
what that tastes like.
You got that, Dave?
Oh, and I want maraschino cherries
on everything.
Did you know
that the word maraschino
came from the boxer
Rocky Maraschino?
Uh, it's actually Rocky Marciano.
Whatever, motherfucker!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
How do you say motherfucker
in Spanish?
Most guys go surf 'n' turf.
But I like a guy who goes
surf 'n' surf 'n' turf 'n' turf.
You know, actually,
could you give us a minute?
And we will call you
when we need you.
You men always say you're gonna call.
Okay, actually I'm just trying
to keep my appetite here.
But thank you...
for groping me
and bringing your face
into our dinner.
These are the days I thank God
I have a perfect face.
- Hey, you.
- Oh.
So I'm gonna take you up on
your offer about working as a team.
Oh, I don't know.
I think I would drag you down.
Best of luck to you.
Dave: Get it out of the soup!
Get it out of the soup!
Will somebody please kill this thing?!
He's strong!
He's strong!
What the fuck is taking so long?
You have to dominate
the swordfish.
Only then can you saut it.
Thanks, Champ.
Rich, numbers!
Here you go.
Are we at 20 grand yet?
We're at 12,000.
That's not even halfway.
- Um, actually...
- In my office!
Everybody in my office!
No no no, not the customers.
You guys sit down.
Wait staff in my office.
So I guess nobody wants
this trip to the Bahamas.
Um, it's actually Key Largo, Champ.
You know what?
Don't say another word.
'Cause you've proven yourself useless,
wouldn't you say?
Say it.
I am useless with a capital Y.
I am useless
with a capital Y.
That's right.
Now then, when I was in your position,
I would have rabbit-punched
my own mother
for a trip to the Bahamas.
Are you telling me you wouldn't want
to be on a beach right now
sipping on a strawberry daiquiri?
- I would like that very much.
- Well, too bad!
'Cause strawberry daiquiris
are for closers!
Not for pussies!
Hey, numbnuts.
Yeah, Champ?
You're gonna be polishing
my fist with your teeth.
I'll get to you later.
Who is Guy "Meatdrapes"?
What kind of name is that?
It's Metdrapedes, sir.
It's Greek.
Well, I think you're
pronouncing it wrong.
This says "Meatdrapes."
It's actually pronounced
Well, why doesn't it sound
like that when I say it?
I don't know.
You don't know much,
do you, Guy?
No, sir.
Well, if a trip to the Bahamas
ain't gonna get the molasses
out ya asses,
maybe $10,000 will do the trick.
- What?
- What?
- 10,000 bucks?
- That's right, new prize.
Top waiter leaves here tonight
with 10 grand in his pocket.
Do you know what 10 grand
feels like in your pocket?
It feels like a third cock.
Jesus, how many cocks you got, Champ?
Are you lampooning me,
No, of course not, sir.
- You want a punch in the eye, Guy?
- No, please.
I can make your face
look like a pie, Guy.
Oh, God, no.
Excuse me.
I didn't mean to do that.
But now you know the deal.
The waiter that comes in first place
gets $10,000.
Whoever comes in last
gets a broken rib sandwich.
And I wasn't even trying to hurt him.
- Are you about to cry, Guy?
- No, of course not.
Loosen up your tie, Guy.
Did you hear what I just said?
It was a rhyme.
If you're not gonna cry,
then put it in his eye.
Punch to the gut
and make him smell like a skunk.
If he runs out of meat then he's...
So what are you all staring at?
Don't nobody want $10,000?
Get the hell out of here now!
- Get out of my way.
- I've got this thing in the bag.
Bullshit, big nose,
it's already over.
Um, Champ,
I don't mean to tell you
your business,
but if you have to make 20 grand
tonight and you give away 10,
it works counter
to what you're trying to do.
Richardo, believe it or not,
I ain't a numbers man.
I punch people for a living.
And I'm gonna punch you
if you don't make that money tonight.
Okay, that's good math.
I'm on it.
- You really mean that?
- Oh, yeah I do.
Wow, that is so cool.
It's that couple's
20th wedding anniversary.
Really? They look so young.
Well, they've been married
since they were 16.
Can you believe?
That's amore.
Gordon, send those kids
a bottle of champagne.
Apparently they've been
married for 10 years.
But she didn't want to get pregnant
until the cancer went into remission.
Well, it went into remission last week.
Oh, will you send them a bottle of your
best champagne? On us, of course.
- It'd be my pleasure.
- Thank you.
You see that man over there?
He's the one who pulled me
from the burning car.
He's my hero.
After three years in a wheelchair,
he walked into her arms.
It was "Oprah"'s highest
rated episode.
And they're sitting right over there.
I am gonna stuff it in your ass tonight.
Well, that's gonna be
an extra 50 bucks.
That's okay.
Shellfish makes me horny.
- Good, 'cause I got crabs.
- Who doesn't?
Excuse me, sir.
Compliments of the house.
What is this,
some kind of hidden camera thing?
- Are you miked?
- Are you miked?
I was just kidding about the anal.
Woman: Eww.
I was just bored at the hotel.
I was looking for something
to do with my cock.
Perfectly natch.
Come on, take a look at her.
You wouldn't kick in that back door?
- I'm not ashamed.
- Fuck this!
Yeah, Guy.
Number two with a bullet.
I would like to see you try
and sell with a burned face,
you orange tanned prick!
Oh, sucks to be you, Hiroshima.
10 grand!
I got my eye on a leather couch
with a velvet dick hole in it.
Oh, yeah?
Well, check out the scoreboard.
You got to get by me first,
fake 'n' bake.
- Aha-ha! See ya.
- Oh, I am going to own this.
Hi there.
Is that Norma Jones?
That's Nutella the pop star.
Connor: Yeah, you take Norah Jones,
Fergie and Beyonce
and mix 'em together,
you get Nutella.
Ah. Who's Beyonce?
- Nutella, Nutella.
- There he is.
Good to see you.
Mwah mwah.
Nutella thinks it's always good
to see you too, Champ.
Give 'em the best seat in the house.
Thank you, baby.
Y'all see all that chocolate?
- I know, I love chocolate.
- I heard that.
- Right this way.
- All right.
- Perfect, that table.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
- Yes!
Come on.
- Hey, sexy Patty.
- Hey.
Hey, if you give me the best tables
for the rest of the night
I'll take you to Persuasions
with me.
Oh, I thought you were taking Mia.
No, I would rather take you-a.
Oh my God,
you are so funny.
You've got a great sense of humor.
Oh, you have great posture.
I used to have scoliosis.
You can't tell.
Good evening, Miss Nutella.
We are so honored
to have you with us tonight.
Can I just say that I love your song
"Too Sincere For You"?
# For you... #
It's up here.
Got it.
Nutella thanks you, baby.
Now can we order fast?
'Cause Nutella is hungry.
Of course.
So what should we have?
Well, the Champ ordered
two bottles of Cristal,
four lobsters troubadour,
an Alaskan king crab,
oysters carbonara
and a round of swordfish.
Well, we will take five of that.
- Fantastic.
- You treat Nutella right,
Nutella treats you right.
- I know what you're saying, girlfriend.
- All right, girl.
- Okay, right.
- Show 'em what you're working with.
Okay, great.
There we go.
No. What?
What are you doing?
- Why am I on the board?
- I am giving you a section.
Congratulations, you are in
the competition.
What are you talking about?
I'm a busboy.
- You were a busboy.
- Get your hands off me.
But now you're a waiter.
No, I don't know the first thing
about waiting tables.
It's very simple.
You ask the people what they want,
and then you bring it to them.
A monkey could do it.
I'm four hours behind these guys
and I'm shitfaced.
- Bring those tables out.
- No no no!
Great, stick them wherever they fit.
Please don't do this.
Rock shrimp and scallop linguini.
Stay close to the shitter.
I call it my pants down pasta.
Be sure to eat all the cream.
Hey, douchebag.
Dave, you've got to tell the guy
I'm a fuck-up, yeah?
No no no, you'll do great.
You made it through six months of college.
- Come on, Dave.
- Sounds like waiter material to me.
This is delicious.
I hope the Champ knocks every tooth
out of your fucking head.
I hope the Champ
knocks your tooth out.
Shots shots shots.
Come on, get it into ya.
Hello, gentlemen,
and welcome to the Salmon Slammin'.
My name is Donnie. Can I start you off
with something to drink tonight?
We've already got some drinks,
haven't we, mate?
Sounds like you're from the UK.
Are you in a band like Oasis
or Herman's Hermits?
No, we're not.
Are there any answers I can question
you from the menu tonight?
All right, Donnie, why don't you tell us
something good on the menu, eh?
Well, the Blue Curacao
is excellent.
Private joke.
Just get us some more shots, all right?
Then I will just clear these shot glasses
out of the way for you.
Hey hey!
You fucking cunt.
I'm not drunk.
So how is everything tonight?
Oh, truly splendid, Guy.
Thank you.
Well, we're really really busy tonight.
Yes, I can see that.
So is there anything else I can get
for you tonight
or just the check?
Well, I wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
Get the fuck out of here.
Excuse me?
Are you reading
"War and Peace"?
Get the fuck out of here.
I love that book.
Oh, well, perhaps you'd like
to come to my book club.
Yeah, last week we read
Flaubert's "Madame Bovary."
It really brought the...
house down.
Hey, kid.
I like you.
I think they put you
in a really tough situation.
I'm gonna help you out
and give you one of my tables.
Really? Thanks.
Yeah, see Donald Trump over there?
Knock yourself out.
- Mmm-mmm.
- Ooh, Connor.
- Hmm?
- I just sat you a six.
Mmm, thanks, Patty.
Woman: So you just keep
whacking him in the knee.
Painful, but better
than a punch in the face.
- Connor?
- Hey, Morgan.
You remember Dick Lobo,
- the producer of "CFI Hotlanta."
- Hey.
Of course.
And the entire rest of the cast.
Yeah, Ron, Mary Kay, Jojo.
Um, what are you guys doing here?
Oh, we're in town to shoot
this fabulous crossover promo
with "CFI Miami."
Oh, cool.
You know, somebody suggested
that if I was in Miami
this is the place to come.
That was me.
Yeah, so what are you doing here?
You researching a role
for TV or something?
Not really.
I actually just work here.
Keeping it real, huh?
- Good for you, dog.
- All right. Okay.
So can I get you all started off
with something to drink?
I told myself
I wasn't going to put
my thumbprint
into every dessert
and yet...
That's impossible.
I never touched that one.
You know you're gonna
have to start over now.
I know.
I told myself
I wasn't going to put...
This is undefeated, you are-
should be depleted.
When you go against me
you're gonna
be needing a paramedic.
P- a-r-a-dic.
Zongo's in the house!
Hey, he's onto something.
You guys see Nuts?
I want all the wait staff
skipping just like Nuts now.
God damn it, I said now!
Skip, everybody!
Keep skipping.
Keep skipping.
If you're in one place,
hop up and down.
- There you go, man.
- Tara: You doing all right?
Skip it like you mean it!
Keep skipping!
What the fuck?
# Tempura #
# It's delicious. #
That's great.
I love it.
We'll take all of it.
- Nuts, Nuts, come here.
- Rich: Tara, Tara, Tara.
Rich, he's over the edge.
We have to help him.
Let it slide.
He's selling like crazy.
- You don't care?
- I totally care.
Rich, look at him.
He's totally out of control.
That doesn't bother you?
- Keep up the good work, okay?
- Rich, come on. Something's wrong.
If you need anything
ask for Zongo.
In second place is Connor.
And in first place, Nuts/Zongo.
- Nuts is in first? Jesus Christ.
- What?
Rich, he's bazonkers.
Get him off the floor.
- Yeah.
- Look, aren't we all a little bazonkers?
Rich, why are you doing this?
Is it because of the Champ?
That's ridiculous.
We have a job to do.
Nuts and Zongo should at least count
as two different people.
- I agree.
- Yes.
Look, if it's any consolation,
you're all really close together.
- Oh.
- Except for you, Donnie.
Oh my God. Excuse me.
I've got to go.
- Got to be an asshole about this.
- I ain't losing to some lunatic.
If you don't like mauve we can totally
do some kind of texture
mosaic finger-painting.
Excuse me.
I just wanted to let you know
that the chef
is pushing out
your dessert from the oven.
It'll just be a few minutes.
Well, that is fantastic,
Detective Shep Winford.
Now why don't you track me
down another drink?
And tell them to put some
booze in it this time, yeah?
Coming right up.
- Are you sure you want another one?
- Yes.
Maybe a virgin rum and Coke.
- That would just be Coke.
- Oh, that sounds delicious.
What's up, noodle dicks?
That table over there just ordered
two rounds of premium tequila.
Now are y'all just gonna sit here
while they make you look like
a bunch of fucking pussies?
Hell no, dude.
We'll take three rounds.
Shit yeah!
What are y'all, Phi Taus?
- Phi Taus!
- Come on now, give it to me.
- Give it to me good.
- Let's take him down.
- I know where he keeps his meds.
- Yeah.
I want some booze
in my belly.
Yeah, baby!
Fidel, this is for a pissed-off movie star,
so give it some balls.
Mm-hmm, yeah. Do it.
Go and go.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hola, diablo blancos.
Zongo like vodka.
Hey hey, you doing okay, Zongo?
- Mmm.
- Hello, Zongo.
You've got to take it, Zongo.
Nobody puts Zongo in a cage.
No one's trying
to put Zongo in a cage, Zongo.
I'll take it.
- It's so big!
- Get him!
Zongo, calm down.
What the fuck?
Hey, Mr. Lobo.
- Men's room?
- All: Just down the hall.
Open. There.
Got it. Got it. Got it.
Got it. Got it.
Easy. Easy, Zongo.
Easy. Shh.
Easy. That's good.
- That's good.
- Get him up.
Hey, you look better.
Yeah, I'm better now.
I am gonna win this thing,
face or no face.
Got a birthday table and I've got
'em in the palm of my hand.
- So you want to sing with me?
- Yes, I do.
Get your poop in a group.
- Any second now.
- Believe it when I see it.
- Ahem.
- Oh shit.
Connor, hey.
Mr. Lobo, I just need
a minute of your time
to talk about why you fired me.
Connor, please.
I don't know what you're taking about.
It's okay, I understand.
I mean, you cast me
to play a big-nosed cop
and I got a nose job.
It was stupid.
I didn't even know
you had a nose job.
Looks pretty good though.
Turn your head that way.
Yeah. Who's your doctor?
I've got a 12-year old daughter
with a fucking beak.
She's got bean bag tits
and a big caboose too.
That poor girl's gonna have
a hard road ahead.
Mr. Lobo, I know I made a mistake.
Look, kid, I didn't fire you
for having a small nose.
Mr. Lobo, I am not gonna
turn you in to the nose police.
You kill me, man.
It was hard
growing up with that nose.
You are a real fucking moron,
you know that?
- What?
- You read the script, didn't you, shithead?
It's all nose jokes.
"I've been nosing around. I smell a rat."
And then you show up
with that little cat nose.
Doesn't make any sense.
Do you realize how hard it is
to rewrite an entire season?
- No, sir.
- You were a kid with a big nose.
You got on TV
but you fucked it up.
You. Who?
You fucked it up.
Look, Mr. Lobo, I found out
about this place
that does nose enlargements.
And if all goes well I could actually
have the money to do it by tomorrow.
The new honker is gonna
be a goddamn fire hose.
What are we supposed to do?
Bring back Detective Shep Winford
from the dead with a big nose?
This isn't fucking "X Files."
Rich: So you didn't donkey punch
Morgan Fairchild.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey, wasn't I in last place
an hour ago?
Yes, you were.
- Was Zongo here?
- Oh, Zongo was here all right.
Sold 18 entrees
to a party of six.
I don't remember any of that.
Not even the Champ
offering 10 grand?
- 10 grand for what?
- Top seller.
Fucking dodo bird.
Are you okay?
I am Zongo.
I am still going to win this contest
because I can hold it together
under pressure.
Welcome to the Slammin' Salmon.
Be graceful and amazing
'cause that's what I am.
Who the fuck is Donnie?
I'm Donnie, Mr. Salmon.
Good try, Dave.
No, I'm Dave's twin brother.
And you know what?
Another thing,
I don't care how severe
her peanut allergy is.
Did anybody ever tell you
you guys look exactly alike?
Every day.
Is that why you wear the blue lipstick?
Either way,
I hope you like hospital food.
No, I was recently a busboy.
- I wasn't a part of this thing.
- Yeah, you know what?
Excuses are like assholes.
Everybody's got one,
but don't nobody want to admit it.
Now get your ass out of last place
or I'm gonna use
your spine for a jump rope.
What the fuck?
I'd still hit that.
- I got it.
- Nice.
Dude, where's the South African
Bing diamond?
Ladies, hello and welcome
to the Slammin' Salmon tonight.
Let me tell you about some of the more
delicious things on our menu.
Uh, we have a boneless fillet of...
also a very nice black eye-
sock-eyed salmon.
It's very nice.
It's sauted...
He's watching me.
Little story for you, Dave II,
before you get back to work.
When I was training
for the Dispute in Beirut,
I used to run 10 miles a day with
a baby camel strapped to my back.
So you can understand
how bemusing I find it
that you're trying
to run away from me.
I was...
Don't run. Just take it.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Here's to "CFI Hotlanta"
and its record 15 Emmy Award
- Yay.
- Hear hear.
Come here.
Come here a second.
Come here.
Come here.
Hey, buddy, we couldn't have done it
without you, man.
- Hear hear.
- Hear hear.
Thanks a million.
Oh, Connor, have you met
our newest cast member?
This is Steve Lemmaduche.
Hey, buddy.
What's crackin'?
Call me Duche.
Hey, what are those guys
eating over there?
Over there?
That's the salmon.
Oh yeah.
That smells beautiful.
Hustle me out one of those.
And a chocotini, dry.
Thanks, pal.
The Duche.
Look, I just know you're gonna
find another show really soon.
Thank you, Morgan.
And that being said, I also know
that I ordered my ahi tuna seared,
and, baby, this is not seared.
I'll get that right back to you.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Are you crying?
What is that?
It's not coming off.
The Champ is gonna kill me.
There's no way I can get
out of last place.
Donnie, he's not gonna kill you.
Didn't you hear?
Last place is a broken rib sandwich.
You see? Breaking your ribs
won't kill you.
Okay, Look, Donnie, why don't you
take one of my tables?
The McNaultys.
They're great tippers
and they've got a huge check.
My gift to you.
Shut up.
You need that money for school.
Nutella's check is over $1000.
Once I close her out,
I'm gonna shoot past everyone.
Take the table.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- How would I pay you back?
- I don't know.
Take me out for a broken rib
sandwich sometime.
Help me up.
Come on, you lush.
Welcome to the Slammin' Salmon.
My name is Zongo.
How is everyone feline this evening?
The '62 salmon is "purrfect."
Would anybody like to try?
Oh, yes.
Everybody take a sip.
Mmm, delicious.
How about you, ma'am?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does that taste?
How does it taste?
How does it taste?
How does that taste?
How does it taste?
Definitely the hardest
substance known to man.
Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm, so good.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh my God.
- Oh, I love it.
- I'm glad you like it.
Yes, I'll marry you.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too, baby.
- Tara, Tara, Tara.
- What?
Can you go check on Nuts, please?
Why do I have to do it?
Rich, I'm slammed.
'Cause you're a doctor, come on.
I'm not even close to being a doctor.
I'm a second-year med student.
I'm making half of this shit up.
Come on, isn't it part
of your Hippocrastic Oath?
Hippo what?
Look, don't put this on me, okay?
He got punched out
by that gigantic mongoloid
because you
denied him his medication.
You sold him out just like you sold out
Mia and that poor kid Donnie.
And all because you're afraid of Cleon.
God, you're a real
spineless pussy, Rich.
Hey, three of them.
Oh, Jesus.
Look at these babies.
- Honey, hi.
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, the kids couldn't sleep
so I thought we'd pop in and say hi.
Mrs. Rich Parente in the house.
- Hey, Champ.
- Hey.
Oh, Cleon.
I don't mean to be mean,
but, baby, you need some Listerine.
That's my little sister.
Always tells it like it is.
Oh, look at the little babies.
Hey, it's Uncle Cleon.
Damn, they all look the same.
What'd you do,
fuck a Xerox machine?
Watch your goddamn mouth
in front of my kids.
- It's Uncle Cleon. Watch it.
- No no, not too close.
- Okay, easy now. Okay.
- Keep your guard up.
How the hell did you wind up
with the Champ's sister?
Well, believe it or not,
the Champ introduced us
and we fell in love
and had these babies.
And here we are.
When I first was made aware
of Richardo here,
he cracked his head open
running out of my office.
And I thought right away,
this guy
is such a pussy.
I knew he was such a pussy
that he would never
ever cheat on my sister.
No, I'm serious.
You want to know what
my nickname for him was?
Cunty McTwat.
'Cause he was such a pussy.
Why isn't anybody laughing?
- That's amazing.
- Cleon: Hey, babies, yes.
The middle one has your head.
Don't touch- no no no.
Rich: Okay, we've got
some movement, you guys.
This is bullshit!
You gave Donnie
all of Nuts's huge tables.
Guy, it's anyone's game still, all right?
There's only 250 bucks
separating first and last.
- It's anyone's game.
- That's awesome.
You better not be lying,
'cause I will cut you.
All right, one hour left.
Go get 'em, guys, all right?
- Okay okay.
- Mia Mia Mia.
I just sat the last table.
You got 'em.
It's the Miami Dolphin's offensive line
and they're starving.
Good luck.
Sorry, but, you know...
This is so not over.
- You're gonna burn, baby.
- I'm not losing this thing.
I'm not losing this thing.
All right, if you ladies are like me,
you can eat a shitload of lobster.
I am not leaving
until you people are heaving.
So that's four orders
of the Alaskan king crab legs.
Eat it, fuck nut.
Hey, how are you?
I couldn't help but overhear
you ordered the king crab.
Well, we came in here dead set
on the San Francisco cioppino,
but that young lad made those
king crab legs sound irresistible.
It's just that you look like good people.
And the chef asked us not
to sell the king crab
because it's a week old.
Why would that waiter recommend
something that's turned?
It's one of the most expensive
items on the menu.
You can figure it out.
But please, you didn't hear it from me.
My name is Guy.
I like him more.
That's the man I trust.
Hi, guys.
Welcome to the Slammin' Salmon.
My name is Mia
and I'll be your waitress.
I apologize for my appearance,
but I was in an explosion.
Is this like Make a Wish Foundation?
Yes, definitely.
That's great.
What a brave lady. I mean,
showing your face in public like this.
- Thank you.
- Tell you what, Mia,
we're starving, so would you start
us off with some appetizers?
Of course.
We'll take two t-bone steaks.
Two each.
- Two each.
- Okay.
Put some calamari on there.
Good luck on your nose job.
Thank you, Mr. Lobo.
Give me a call
when the bandages come off.
- Okay.
- We're doing "CFI Greektown."
You might be right for
Detective Stavros Popadropolis.
- Okay.
- Feel like I'm gonna give birth.
Thank you, Mr. Lobo.
Thank you, Connor.
It's so good to see you again.
Great to see you too, Morgan.
You look terrific.
- Oh, thank you.
- Hey, man, you're a hell of a waiter.
Don't quit your day job.
Get lost.
Oh, enjoy not winning
10 grand, sucker.
Oh, honey, that's so cute.
But I still have Nutella and, whew,
it is a huge check.
Don't worry though.
When I'm done with school
I'll fix your nose for free.
Any shape you want, okay?
Button nose, cute little clown nose.
Ooh, a brown nose.
That works well for you.
And I came in here dead set on
the San Francisco cioppino.
I'm very sorry, sir.
We will change your order right away.
- And Guy will be your waiter.
- Donnie: What?
Donnie, the table is Guy's now.
No no no.
No, it was-
- See? I can step up to the plate.
- Finally.
Some pitchers of beer,
that bucket of jumbo shrimp,
that spinach artichoke dip,
and of course that 8-lb lobster
you were talking about.
- Yes.
- And that should do it.
Oh, baby girl, what's wrong?
It's just you guys are so nice.
And this is my biggest check ever.
I just really needed this.
And you're the nicest waitress
we've ever had.
You know, Mia,
I know you were pretty once.
Thank you.
That's disgusting.
I'm gonna be sick.
I just wanna win.
And, um, word to your mother.
All right, girl.
Nutella, I'm sorry.
This isn't the check that I gave you.
Yeah it is.
Champ comped us.
I throw a little knee right there.
It bends him down.
Well, were you dissatisfied
with the service?
- You didn't leave a tip.
- Do the math.
20% of nothing is nothing.
Come on, y'all.
We outie.
Here you go.
I didn't want to interrupt.
Thank you.
Have you read this?
Uh, no.
I can't say that I have.
I did not know anything,
anything at all till now.
You remind me
of a young Andrew Bolkonski.
Oh, thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, sir.
I think you made a mistake.
I can't take that much money.
I didn't make a mistake.
What's your name?
Donald Kanogi.
I'm dying, Donald Kanogi.
My doctor told me
I have a month to live.
Have you ever heard
of schistophosiasis?
No, I haven't.
Well, I've got it.
- I've got it hard.
- Oh my God.
All I wanted to do tonight
was to sit quietly,
have a nice meal,
read a little Russian
It was pretty crowded,
but unlike the other waiter,
you were content to let me
sit here nonetheless.
And I thank you for that.
But, sir...
No, young man,
you can't take it with you.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got a lot of living to do
before I die.
Do svidaniya.
That poor man.
You know, it really puts things
into perspective.
Fuck him and the horse
that rode over him.
That's Guy.
Big heart, big hair.
That's me. Throw big dick in there,
you got a box trifecta.
You know what? It's way too late
for that kind of chatter.
- Heyo, I've got the totals.
- Guy: All right.
- Who wants to see some results?
- Oh, I do, I do.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gather round. This is pretty exciting.
- Gather around, everybody.
- All right.
- I'm excited.
- Good.
- Are you guys ready?
- Yes.
First, before I start, let me just say
- I'm really proud of you guys.
- Thank you.
Very proud.
I think you did a great job tonight.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
In third place...
- is the waiter...
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- ...who did a good job tonight...
- Say it, you big dog.
- Come on.
- ...and his name is Nuts.
- Hey, Nuts.
- In the pickle jar, all right.
- Great.
- Okay.
- Bring it.
- Here we go.
In second place,
and runner up,
- Come on.
- Connor.
Who won?
Drum roll, please.
Drum roll.
Great, thank you.
And the winner of the $10,000 prize
and the big contest
tonight is...
- Oh!
- Tara.
- Oh my God!
- Honk the goose.
- What?
- Oh my God, I won?
How is that even possible?
Well, the guy who got hit by the horse
gave her a $1,000 tip.
I had that table.
That's my table.
Jesus, Donnie.
You gave me a table,
I gave you a table.
That is the most selfless thing
anyone has ever done for me.
Well, when the Champ kills me,
just see to it I get a decent burial.
You're not gonna die.
I'll give you mouth to mouth.
Stick a sock in it
before I puke.
It's time.
All right, if you guys will excuse me
for one second...
All right, baby,
what is the final take?
Am I sitting in the lap
of luxury or what?
Well, we made...
Pretty good.
But last time I checked,
19 is lower than 20, right?
That makes you a grand short,
short shorts.
What's that?
- The waiter's tips.
- Problem solved.
I'll just take a grand out of that then.
No no no, hold on.
Excuse me, Champ.
About the 10 grand.
- Not now, Tara.
- The what?
The $10,000.
Oh, there is no $10,000.
That was all predicated
on an illusion.
I don't understand.
Okay, I'll break it down.
If I needed to make 20 tonight,
why would I give away 10?
That makes no sense.
Right, Rich?
Thank you.
This money belongs to the waiters.
And you owe Tara $10,000.
What the hell
is wrong with you, Richardo?
You offered a prize
and now you owe her.
You want to make something of it?
Yeah, I do.
Just do what you promised,
you motherfucker.
- Oh!
- What?
Well well well,
looks like somebody's little acorns
done grew into big nuts.
You're finally acting like a man.
But you're too little too late.
I still got to pay
the Yakuza
20,000 yen.
Wait, yen or dollars?
Same thing, stupid.
Yen is Japanese for dollars.
Actually, Champ, 20,000 yen
is about
170 American dollars.
In circumspeculation
that makes sense.
When I was in the Orient
I used to wonder to myself
why is everything so small
yet so expensive?
Good work, Dr. Doolittle.
170 for me.
10 grand for you.
What do you think I should
do with the rest of it?
I think you should
give it to the waiters.
- I think they earned it.
- Cleon: Yeah, I guess so.
I was wrong to think they
could be replaced by robots.
Nice one, Rich.
Feed, my pretties, feed.
Oh my God!
Money money money!
Oh God.
Wow, Rich.
- That was legendary.
- Thank you.
Well, I guess I should thank you
properly for what you did.
That's so nice.
Whoa. Oh, just-
Okay, oh oh oh.
Okay okay,
what the fuck, Donnie?
You see that, Donnie?
That's how you kiss a girl,
you fucking fruit cake.
I hate you.
Nice going, dog.
Oh, God.
It tastes like tartar sauce.
Wait wait wait wait.
Hold on.
I almost forgot.
I still got to kick the shit
out of the low man.
Is he fucking serious?
Oh God.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself, huh?
Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself?
Have you gone crazy, huh?
Are you crazy, man?
All right, come on.
Let's get this over with.
I've got to get home and watch
"Dancing with the Stars."
Nick Lachey is doing the jitterbug.
He's good.
Have you ever seen him?
- No no.
- You've got your guards up.
- You want to fight?
- You're just kidding, right, Champ?
Don't be so scared.
You should learn to control your fears.
Take me for instance.
I'm afraid of the dark.
But you'd never know it
'cause I have mental discipline.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't even use a nightlight no more.
- Okay okay.
- Whoa whoa, what's up?
What? What's up?
What's up?
# It's the cry of the cougar,
the fist to the face #
# No pride or glory for the loser #
# There's blood and broken teeth
all over the place #
# And the last thing you'll hear #
# Is the cry of the cougar #
# Lock your doors #
# Get off the streets,
I'm on the prowl #
# I'm telling you
I'm on the hunt now #
# Don't try to stop me #
# I smell raw meat and I ain't had
shit to eat for six days #
# Who wants a piece?
Who wants a shot? #
# Who wants a long and brutal
bloody painful smackdown? #
# You in the glasses,
I'm talking to you #
# How'd you like
my foot up your ass? #
# It's the cry of the cougar #
# The fist to the face #
# I'm gonna shoot you
with my Luger #
# There's blood and broken teeth
all over the place #
# And the last thing you'll hear #
# Is the cry of the cougar #
# I've got the speed #
# I've got the book #
# I'm lean and mean
and swift and tough #
# And big and fast, yeah #
# It's like if a ninja man #
# Had sex with the Hulk #
# And gave birth to some kind
of crazy ninja Hulk #
# It's the cry of the cougar #
# The fist to the face #
# I'll slash you up
like Freddy Krueger #
# There's blood and broken teeth
all over the place #
# When your mom finds your body
she'll cry #
# The cry of the cougar #
# Cry, cougar, cry. #
What's up, noodle dicks?
That to-do-you-
Hey, noodle dicks.
God damn it.
Come on.
What's up, noodle dicks?
That table over there just ordered
two rounds of premium tequila.
Now you guys-
now you guys-
I missed each and every one of you.
I don't like that shit.
I don't like the dark.
Y'all didn't fucking see "Green Mile"?
I am afraid of the dark.
- That's fucked up.
- Cut.
Oh my God, that's crazy.
And I'm Barack Obama.
And I'm Osama bin Laden.
And I'm Obama bin Laden.
And I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
And I'm Gloria Estefan
from the Miami Sound Machine.
I can do it.
I can do it.
- Can you do a faster one, please?
- Okay.
Good, let's go from the top again.
Is it gross?
All right, cut.
Cut cut cut.
It wasn't gross.
I just thought I'd put it back.
Well, you know what they say:
All the good ones are either gay or crazy.
Or fat. Or gassy.
Or Dutch. Or uncircumcised.
- Ew!
- What does that mean?
And she throws an elbow
across like this.
So I want to grab her-
I started to do like that.
Body shot, body shot,
body shot, body shot.
We were in the clinch like this
and I started to go,
"Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?"
So I'm like...
and I'm trying to hit him.
And we cover up like this
and I'm moving around.
I'm like, "This dude is-"
no, don't turn your back.
Stay right here.
Last week on "Heroes."
Yeah, cut.
Yes. Very good.
'Cause I'm bored.
Cut. Cut.
# Ay, mamacita #
# Go on and do your thing, yeah #
# Go on and do your thing, girl #
# Ay, mamacita #
# Go on and do your thing, yeah #
# Uh-huh #
# Uh-huh #
# Uh-huh #
# Ay, mamacita #
# Go on and do your thing, yeah #
# Go on and do your thing, girl #
# Ay, mamacita #
# Go on and do your thing, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Ay, mamacita. #