The Smallest Show on Earth (1957) Movie Script

I shall never forget that day.
Matt was only halfway through the novel,
and our funds were running low.
Then, the letter arrived,
which was to change everything.
When did this come?
Oh, just now.
I didn't want to distract you.
Why, what is it?
Great-uncle Simon.
I didn't know you had
a great-uncle Simon.
Well, I didn't have a great-uncle Simon.
Sole heir...
The whole estate, Sloughborough, Worts...
Oh, some mistake.
I never had any great-uncle Simon.
But you must've had
a great-uncle Simon...
I tell you, I didn't.
Surely, if I had a great-uncle Simon,
I'd least of heard of a great-uncle Simon.
Simpson, Carter, and Son.
They must be out of their minds.
It says will you get in touch with them.
What's that, Trunks?
It must be.
Neither have I.
Great-uncle Simon.
Great-uncle Simon.
Oh, Operator.
This is Northway 0267, I
want Sloughborough, Worts 29.
Oh, is it?
It's Sluff-borough.
You couldn't be...
Couldn't be what?
You couldn't be inheriting
a fortune, could you?
Because if you are, let me say right now,
I love you more than ever.
Darling, don't be so silly.
No, no, no, not you operator.
You know, I had a great-uncle Hugh,
and a great-uncle Edward
I think, but, hello?
Oh, Simpson, Carter, and Son?
Oh, my name's Spenser, Matthew Spenser.
Yes, I think the point is that there's
been some idiotic mistake because
I can tell you quite definitely,
I never had a...
I beg your pardon?
I did have a great-uncle Simon.
Yes, just hold the line
one moment, will you?
The secretary wants to know
when we can come down.
Well, I think we can come right away.
Yes, today.
Matt, we'll never do it!
Yes, yes, I think we can manage that.
Uh, oh.
Do you by any chance happen to know
anything about the estate?
We'll never get that train, what is it?
A cinema?
He owned a cinema!
Oh, just one other thing.
Did you by any chance happen
to know my great-uncle?
Was he a huge fat man with a reddish beard
who wore a sort of cape?
Oh, oh, well that must've been
my great-uncle Edward.
Look, darling if we don't...
Oh, well it doesn't matter.
Yes, tell Mr. Carter
we'll be there, will you?
Yes, goodbye.
Matt, we've only got 40 minutes.
What am I going to wear?
Imagine not even knowing.
And what's more, great-uncle Simon
seems to have been rich.
Did she say how...
Well, she said she
couldn't talk on the phone.
But if apart from anything else,
he owned a cinema.
He must've been wealthy.
And you really inherit everything?
The solicitor said so.
It's incredible, it's
absolutely incredible.
Thank you.
Oh dear, honestly, I'll pass out
before we get to Sloughborough.
Just think what it'll be like
to have no more money worries,
no more stupid, petty problems.
To be able to do all the things
one wants to do,
to travel, for example.
Oh yes, you know
that's just the one thing
that would be heavenly.
Think of all the fabulous places
that are just names to us now.
But we can see.
Samarkand, Samarkand.
Doesn't that do something to you?
Doesn't the very name...
Oh, it's a beautiful name.
San Francisco, Seville, Samoa, Samarra...
Tell me some more about Samarra.
Oh, darling.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's
the brandy.
Well, here's to Samarkand.
Oh darling, I can't drink any more.
To Samarkand.
Train now
standing at platform three,
is the train for Dorne, Bradfield,
Rewesley, Wickhamford, Evercreech,
Woodbury, and Rickersworth.
What is that ghastly smell?
There's something dead around here.
Well, you mean besides
great-uncle Simon?
Oh, sorry, darling.
Tell me, what's that curious smell?
That smell, what is it?
I don't smell anything.
Oh, you mean the glue factory.
That's it, the glue factory over there.
Pungent, isn't it?
Pungent is hardly the word.
Taxi, sir?
Yes, please.
Will you take us Simpson, Carter, and Son,
the solicitors?
Right, sir.
Now listen, darling.
While you're with the solicitors,
a little dignity, eh?
I mean to say, if a man dies,
and leaves you his entire inheritance,
the least you can do is to
observe the propi, proprietree,
Darling, you can talk,
you can't even say proprieties!
Now darling, really.
Try and be sensible.
Driver, stop a minute!
Driver, how many cinemas
are there in Sloughborough?
Just this one, sir.
Matt, it's simply magnificent.
It must be worth a fortune!
Driver, just wait
here a minute, will you?
I say, how's business?
I said how's business,
how's business these days?
I wouldn't know, I mind me own.
What a rude man.
Do you know something?
I think that chap's
got a little surprise
in store for him.
What do you mean?
There's no excuse
whatsoever for incivility.
The very first thing I'm going to do
is to boot him right out of the place.
Oh darling, I'm sure
he didn't mean to be...
Nonsense, it's his job
to be polite, not to...
Wait 'til he finds out
who he was being rude to.
Come on, let's get to the solicitors.
My father asked me to handle
this matter for you, Mr. Spenser.
I told him you were calling,
but he said he had an urgent appointment.
I don't think he'll be gone long though.
But, you know something
about it, don't you?
Oh, yes.
I know all about it.
As a matter of fact,
I've had the job of
establishing your existence.
You've no idea the fun and games I had.
Thought I'd never catch up with you.
Glad you did.
As my secretary said,
that she told you on the telephone
that the estate includes a cinema.
Yes, yes she did.
Yes, well apart from
a few personal effects,
and furniture, and such like,
I'm afraid that the cinema itself
is all there is to your
great-uncle's estate.
Still, that's quite enough, isn't it?
He had everything he owned
tied up in it, had he?
Incidentally, we've seen
the cinema, Mr. Carter.
Oh, you have?
The question is really,
how much is the place worth as it stands?
Lock, stock, and barrel?
Well, it's rather difficult to say.
But even approximately,
in round figures.
Is it worth a hundred thousand pounds?
A hundred thousand?
You see, I haven't a
clue about these values.
But as cinema's go, this one
surely is quite magnificent.
Well, we are almost overwhelmed.
I mean, it's quite as
splendid as all those
in Leicester Square.
Mrs. Spenser...
What is it?
My dear chap...
Mr. Carter, what is it?
I'm afraid, I'm very much afraid,
I wonder if my father's back.
He's not back.
Mr. Carter.
I'm most terribly sorry,
Mr. Spenser, Mrs. Spenser.
Mr. Carter, what's the matter?
You see, I hardly know how to tell you.
Well, if you could
find a way, Mr. Carter.
Well, may I ask which cinema
have you been looking at?
Which cinema?
You mean, there's more than one?
And it's not the Grand?
But why did that taxi
driver say that there was...
Well, he must've meant
it was the only one open.
You see, we had to close
the Fleapit the day after...
The Fleapit?
I'm most terribly sorry.
Please forgive me, you see,
it's always referred to
locally as the Fleapit.
I should've said the...
Well, I'm sure there is a
business like show business,
but somehow I don't think this is it.
Look at it.
You mean to tell me my uncle
actually charged people to go in there?
That people actually paid?
Yes, some.
Seems impossible.
Did he run it himself?
With a staff of sorts.
Three of them, actually.
They're all under notice, of course.
Well, shall we take a look inside?
Couldn't we just go away
and forget it ever happened?
Mm, pungent, isn't it?
The cashier?
Mrs. Fazackaleee.
I'll lead the way, shall I?
Oh, the old place has been
everything in its day.
It was a theatre way back
before they built the rail way,
then it was a musical.
I wonder how my great-uncle
got mixed up in all this.
Well, it was before the
First War, apparently.
The young Simon must've
had quite a way with him.
He even managed to get
some of the local people
to put their money into it.
My dad did, as a matter of fact.
Spenser's Electric Theatre,
it was called in those days.
The first in this part of the country.
Oh, pussy, here.
Does anyone look after her?
Yes, Old Tom.
Come on.
Come on, darling.
What's that?
Oh, that'll be the 4:15 to Stoke.
Do these things work?
Well, yes.
I think so.
The projectionist?
Mr. Quill.
Your great-uncle's private apartments.
I say, is one of these...
Oh, that's your great-uncle on the left,
taken some years ago in the Railway Arms.
Wait a minute.
It's all coming back to me now,
I do remember him.
We were all staying at my
grandmother's, I think.
Of course, I was only a kid at the time,
but I remember there was some trouble
about a chambermaid.
That would be Simon.
Is this where, did he?
As a matter of fact, it
was in the Railway Arms
that your great-uncle...
He died in a pub?
Rather sad, really.
You see, for many years,
Simon was champion beer
drinker of this county.
Used to down a whole gallon of brown ale
in a single draught.
Eight pints?
On the evening of the
19th in the Railway Arms,
somebody bet him.
He shouldn't of tried it, you know?
Not at 77.
Would it be irreverent to ask if he...
Oh, yes.
He did it, alright.
The 10 shillings was
paid to me as executor,
right after the funeral.
Somehow, not unfitting, you know?
Well, what in heaven's name
are we going to do with it?
Could we sell it?
Well, astonishing as
it may seem, Mr. Spenser,
your great-uncle had an offer for it
only a few weeks ago.
From Mr. Hardcastle, the man
who owns the Grand Cinema.
But what on earth would
he want with this place?
I'll show you.
You see the Grand there?
Hardcastle's idea is to
use that land as a carpark.
Now, the only way he can do that,
is to buy the Bijou and pull it down
to make an entrance.
Old Simon would never sell.
Any idea what Hardcastle was offering?
Oh, the last offer was 5,000 pounds.
5,000 pounds?
And the old man turned it down?
Well, it was his home, you know.
As well as his living.
That's not bad.
Not bad at all, is it darling?
When can we see Mr. Hardcastle?
- Well...
- Now?
I'll see if I can arrange
a meeting this afternoon.
Well, you'll have to
excuse me, Mr. Spenser,
but I'm rather a sentimental man,
and old Simon's death came
as a great shock to me.
Very great shock indeed.
Mind you, I never got to
know him awfully well,
but he were business rivals
in a manner of speaking,
and I liked him.
He was a very likeable man,
you had to like him.
I did anyway.
But still as I say, Mr. Spenser,
I'm a very sentimental man.
Yes, Mr. Hardcastle.
We quite understand how you feel.
The point is, now that Mr. Spenser here
has come into his great-uncle's estate,
we have to consider the whole question
of the Bijou.
The Bijou?
Oh yes, the Bijou.
Now, I've explained to Mr. Spenser
that you made an offer
to the late Mr. Spenser.
That's right, lad.
I made him a very fair offer.
But the old rascal,
if you'll pardon the use
of the expression, ma'am.
The old rascal turned it down flat.
Well, I daresay he had
his reasons, Mr. Hardcastle.
But I'm prepared to consider
your offer very seriously.
Here, hold fast a minute, lad.
What offer are you talking about?
Well, your offer of 5,000 pounds.
5,000 pounds?
5,000 pounds?
Oh, he's a great one.
Your husband, just like his great-uncle.
5,000 pounds!
Oh, that's a good one.
Oh, that's a great one!
500 will be more like it.
But I don't understand.
You offered my great-uncle...
Oh, I know, lad.
But that was a long time ago,
before television hit us.
And the Bijou was a going concern then.
Have you seen it now, lad?
No, I'm only offering you 500 pounds,
and that's a good deal
more than the old Fleapit's worth.
If I may interrupt, Mr. Hardcastle,
an offer of 500 pounds
is quite out of the
question for my client.
Why, there are debts of at least 750.
Well, alright.
Everyone knows I'm a sentimental man,
and I liked old Simon.
750 then, but not a penny more.
I'm sorry, Mr. Hardcastle.
I didn't mean that figure to be taken
as one which my client
will be prepared to accept.
No, well, that's the
figure I'm prepared to offer.
750, and no more.
Well, I'd like to have a
word with Mr. Carter before I...
Now take your time, lad.
Take all the time you want.
I'm not gonna be down
out of my inheritance
by Mr. Albert Sentimental Hardcastle.
What about your father?
My father?
Well, couldn't we drag him in?
Ask his advice?
Confidentially, my dad's always managed
to steer a bit clear
of old Simon's affairs.
He said he wouldn't touch this
with a bargepole.
You know, I think my dad's right.
Unless what?
Unless you made Hardcastle believe
that you didn't want to
sell the old Fleapit.
Well, you could tell him you were going
to reopen it, and manage it yourself.
You're not actually suggesting
that we start up the...
No, no, no, no, of course not.
But you gotta make him
think you're going to.
As soon as he sees you
cleaning your place up...
Yes, you've hit on something.
As soon as he sees where we're...
If he thinks the old Fleapit's
going to open up again...
He's bound to pay us what he was going
to pay my great-uncle.
Quite, quite, that's precisely my point.
It's a wonderful idea.
I'll do it!
That's it, it's a wonderful idea.
Taking on the staff,
and doing the place up.
Oh, we'll get it all back.
We'll have to be convincing,
don't you see that?
If Hardcastle thinks we're bluffing,
he'll just laugh.
You know.
But if on the other
hand, the bluff works...
It could mean 5,000 pounds.
Oh, do let me do that for you.
Darling, I can do it.
What's so funny?
Samoa, Samarra,
Samarkand, Sloughborough.
Before we go in, there's something
I think I should tell you
about Mrs. Fazackalee.
You see, Mrs. Fazackalee
and your great-uncle were,
that is to say, their
relationship wasn't entirely,
well, how shall I put it, um...
You've already put it very eloquently.
Your family.
Oh, and, and one other thing.
If I were you, I shouldn't
say anything to these three
about wanting to sell the place.
They must think you mean to open.
Small town like this, you know.
Things get about.
Good morning, Mrs.
Fazackalee, Mr. Quill, Tom.
May I introduce Mr. and Mrs. Spenser,
the new owners of the Bijou.
Mrs. Fazackalee, the cashier.
How do you do?
How do you do, Mrs. Fazackalee?
Mr. Quill, the projectionist.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- And how do you do?
- How do you do?
And Old, where's he gone?
Oh, it's alright, Tom.
Mr. and Mrs. Spenser
just want to meet you,
there's nothing to be nervous about.
Old Tom, the janitor.
How are you, sir?
Well, I've asked you all here
because Mr. Spenser would like to say
a few words to you.
Mr. Spenser.
It's alright, Tom.
Mr. Spenser just wants to talk to you.
What's he going to say?
Well, I'd like to say that...
I know who you are.
You're Mr. Carter.
That's right, Tom.
He thought I didn't know him.
Mr. Carter, I've known
him since he were a lad.
Well, first I'd like to say that
although I hadn't seen my
great-uncle for many years,
I was very sorry to hear of his...
I understand...
You're not Mr. Carter.
He's Mr. Carter.
Well, what I wanted
to say this morning was,
that we,
that is wife and I,
we intend to reopen the Bijou,
to reopen it as quickly as possible.
Any questions?
Mrs. Fazackalee.
The late Mr. Spenser was going to make
a number of improvements before he...
Yes, Mrs. Fazackalee?
For one thing, he was
going to do something
about the rats.
Yes, you see...
Tell him about my equipment.
I'm explaining to him about the rats.
My equipment's more
important than your rats.
Did you tell him about my uniform?
If you'd kindly permit me to speak.
Well, I can see that we
all have a lot to talk about,
we must discuss it all later.
Well, I'll be off and leave you to it.
You must all have a lot to do.
I'll see you out.
I'll come with you.
You and your equipment, hm?
If you'd spent your time looking after it,
instead of boozing away out there.
You stand there and
accuse me of boozing?
Yes, I do.
Well, I'll let old Hardcastle know
you're proposing to put
him out of business, right?
And don't let those
three in there upset you.
It's just that they've
been in the old Fleapit
a bit too long.
More like the Snakepit.
You kept it running?
I kept...
I did.
Why, if it wasn't for me,
poor Mr. Spenser would've gone
out of business years ago.
You and Mr. Spenser?
Oh, yes!
We know all about you and Mr. Spenser.
How dare you!
You unspeakable, drunken blackguard!
Mr. Spenser promised me a uniform
like the man at the Grand has.
I've got my troubles too, haven't I?
Is anything wrong?
Mr. Spenser promised me a uniform,
like the man at the, who are you?
He's Mr. Spenser.
Is he?
Yes, I'm Mr. Spenser, Tom.
Mr. Carter just introduced us.
Well, he promised me a uniform.
Just like the man at the Grand has.
He promised me.
Well, I'm sure we'll get around
to all of your problems in time.
But first, well, I've
gotta see if I can learn
how my great-uncle ran his business.
Is that alright with you, Mrs. Fazackalee?
If those are your wishes, certainly.
See you two later.
He's going to see us later.
Yeah, yeah.
This is fantastic.
Who are you?
Well, Mrs. Fazackalee,
I don't know very much about bookkeeping,
but it seems to me these figures
don't make any sense at all!
I beg your pardon!
Didn't my great-uncle
keep any proper accounts?
Your great-uncle never
kept anything, Mr. Spenser,
that wasn't perfectly proper.
Oh, of course.
Of course.
But, well, what are these, for instance?
Groceries, farm produce,
miscellaneous donations?
You see, the late Mr.
Spenser always found
that the only way to run
the kinema successfully
was by having a great many
private understandings.
What sort of understandings?
Complimentary seats were
always granted to anyone
who made any contribution.
If a farmer gave my
great-uncle a chicken,
his family got in for nothing?
That's it exactly.
But what about the entertainments tax?
Surely by not selling tickets,
he was defrauding the
Chancellor of the Exchequer.
It only seems like that, Mr. Spenser.
But as the late Mr.
Spenser always pointed out,
you could hardly send, well,
a third of a chicken to the
Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Now could you?
Oh, just before you go,
I think I ought to tell you, Mr. Spenser,
that unless something
is done about Mr. Quill,
I am not prepared to continue
in my present position.
I can no longer tolerate his insulting,
and unseemly behaviour.
Well, what are you
suggesting, Mrs. Fazackalee?
That I should give him the sack?
Sack Mr. Quill?
Sack Mr. Quill?
Oh, I'm afraid that would be
quite out of the question,
on account of the projection
equipment, you know.
Nobody else could possibly understand it.
In fact, in 1937, when Mr. Quill had to go
and have his appendix out,
and the late Mr. Spenser called in another
projectionist to take over,
it was only three days before he had
to have his appendix out.
No, no.
No, I merely wondered whether you would
say something rude or unpleasant to him.
Very well, Mrs. Fazackalee.
I'll try and think of something to say.
Excuse me.
Ah, well, well.
Well, I wonder whether I could have
a word with you, Mr. Spenser.
Well, if it's about your
equipment, Mr. Quill, I...
No, what equipment?
Well, the equip...
No, no, no.
It's about...
It's about that woman, sir.
That Mrs. Fazackalee.
She's a troublemaker, sir.
She does nothing else but make trouble.
Make trouble here, make trouble there.
Yes, well...
Well, now that the
old scoundrel's dead...
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
No offence intended, I assure you.
But now that the old gentleman's gone
to his dear rest,
do we have to have that awful old hag
hanging around this place?
What do you suggest I do?
Sack her?
Sack Mrs. Fazackalee?
I don't think you properly appreciate
the position, Mr. Spenser.
Mrs. Fazackalee's been
here since the silent days.
She used to play the piano.
She's the only one what
knows how this place runs!
Sack Mrs. Fazackalee?
You'll be wanting to sack Old Tom next.
I see.
What you really mean is,
you just want me to say something
rude and unpleasant to her.
Well, I'll try to think
of something to say.
Good morning.
Bijou Kinema at your service.
What, haven't you heard?
Oh, yes.
Yes, this Mr. Spenser.
Of course.
Just hold on a moment please,
while I hand him the telephone.
Thank you, Mrs. Fazackalee.
Well, Hardcastle seems to
be falling for it, alright.
Yes, fine.
The old wotsit may not move
until he's absolutely
convinced you're not bluffing.
Well, you must be convincing.
Spend a few pounds as ostentatiously
as possible, of course.
In my judgement, you'll get it all back.
Mr. Quill!
They're going ahead, alright.
No doubt about that, Albert.
11 o'clock you said he said.
It's 10 past now.
Perhaps you're fast, darling.
Perhaps he's changed his mind.
Look here, if you two carry on like this
when he shows up,
he'll offer you a fiver for the place.
For goodness sake, remember.
You're the reluctant
sellers, he's the anxious...
That's our boy.
Good morning to ya.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Mr. Hardcastle.
Good morning, Mrs. Spenser.
Ah, I see you've cleaned
the whole place up a bit.
Ah well, it needed it.
And I give you a capital
E for effort, lad.
Both of ya.
Well, we haven't really started yet,
have we darling?
We'll need a good deal of time before...
Hold on a minute, that's
what I wanted to see you about.
Oh, thank you.
It won't do, you know, it won't do.
A nice young couple like yourselves.
You've no business in this business.
If you'd seen your great-uncle,
what it did for him in the end,
and that old Battle Axe Fazackalee.
I remember when she was
a wee slip of a thing.
Pretty as a picture.
A B picture mark, you.
No, I'd have been round here sooner
only it took me some time
to convince my partners that we should
raise our offer.
Oh, darling, you're not
going to sell now after...
Oh, it's alright, darling.
There's no harm in hearing
what Mr. Hardcastle has to say.
And what I have to say lad, is this.
I'm prepared to offer you 1,500 pounds.
1,500 pounds.
I'm afraid we're all
wasting time, Mr. Hardcastle.
Oh, a few weeks ago,
my clients were more than willing
to negotiate a sale.
But then of course, they had no intention
of opening up the Bijou.
And making it our home.
Yes, they've already invested
a lot of capital in this place, you know.
Oh, I know, I know.
But you didn't expect
me to make my best offer
straight outright, did you?
What is your best offer?
Well, I'm authorised to go to the sum
of 2,000 pounds.
In cash.
Mr. Hardcastle.
What you and your partners are overlooking
is the wonderful challenge the Bijou
presents to my clients.
Why, in six months
time, we'll say a year.
In a year's time, we hope to have...
Well, goodbye lad.
Are you going?
Goodbye, Mrs. Spenser.
Goodbye, Mr. Hardcastle.
Thank you for coming.
Goodbye, Mr. Carter.
Now what were we saying?
Yes, I think you should
install CinemaScope.
Full stereophonic sound, the lot.
No expense spared.
I agree.
Well, we've got to make the Bijou
the best little cinema
in this part of the country.
By the time we're finished with it,
people will be coming from miles around.
It's alright, it's alright, he's gone.
I say, you don't think
we overdid things, do you?
Not a bit.
Mark my words, within 24 hours,
he'll be back with a bigger offer.
All you've got to do now
is sit down and wait.
And give me a ring when he turns up, eh?
What do we do if he doesn't?
Oh, he will, don't worry.
Hardcastle needs that carpark badly,
and he's got to buy the Bijou to get it.
Well, one thing seems pretty certain,
he thinks we intend running the place.
The moment we've
cashed his check, I tell him.
Nothing on earth would've induced us
to open this dump.
Cup of tea please, Miss.
Alright, alright.
Not worth talking to, I know that.
Got no proper uniform,
I haven't even got a proper hat.
He promised me, and then
he had to go and die.
Why don't you get your new bosses
to buy you a uniform?
They won't buy me nothing.
Why not?
They seem to be a couple of mugs.
Must be if they're opening up
the new Fleapit, eh Dolly?
They're not opening it.
Didn't tell us nothing about it.
Us who've been there 30 year.
Except me, I've been there 40 year.
What haven't they told you, Tom?
They're only doing it so
Mr. Hardcastle will buy it.
They don't want to run the old Bijou.
Never meant to run it,
never meant to get me no uniform neither.
If they really mean business,
there's only one thing to do, Albert,
and that's stump up.
Ah, but it's giving best
to a couple of youngsters
that I don't like, Fred.
You mustn't let your personal feelings
interfere with business, Albert!
That carpark's worth more to us
than the 5,000.
Oh, I know.
Oh well.
If we must, we must, I suppose.
Get me the Bijou.
Come in!
Can I have a word with you, sir?
We shouldn't waste too much time
on this place, darling.
I thought we ought to give him
something clean for his 5,000.
You know, I've been thinking.
There's one thing about this
situation that worries me.
I'll bet if the old man
had made a proper will,
he would've left this place
to those three old goons.
I mean, why shouldn't he?
He didn't even know I existed.
Well, so I haven't really come
into my inheritance, have I?
I've come into theirs.
When we get that 5,000
pounds out of old Hardcastle,
we ought to give them a fair share.
Oh, Matt.
You've no idea how pleased I am
to hear you say that.
You know, I've really
begun to quite like them.
Matt, you're sweet.
Matt, Hardcastle's found out!
But how could he have found out?
I just don't know.
But he knows you're bluffing.
Look, I better come round.
He says he's still willing
to give you the 750
when you decide you've had enough.
Well, that tears it.
It certainly does.
I must say, I feel very largely to blame
for this situation.
If I hadn't urged you to hold out...
Of course you're not to blame.
Oh, Robin, you mustn't even think of it.
The point is, what do we do now?
You know, when you think about it,
the situation hasn't really changed.
The fact that Hardcastle's found out
and reduced his offer
doesn't alter the basic fact
that he still wants to buy the Bijou.
He thinks you'll panic and accept the 750.
Well, I'm in a panic.
Have we any alternative?
You have one.
What's that?
Well, I hesitate to mention it.
Oh, don't.
Please, Robin.
Well, open the cinema.
Run the place.
Run the place?
Why not?
You mean, actually show pictures?
Yes, sooner or later he'll have to
raise his offer again.
Stay here?
You mean, stay here and really try to...
No, no, no, no, no.
Now, wait a minute.
You want us to live here?
To be stuck in this place?
Do you mind telling me what single aspect
of this situation strikes you
as being even remotely amusing?
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
It's just that there's
something so terribly logical
about being stuck in a
place that makes glue.
And that was our plan.
It's true, we didn't intend
to open the Bijou again.
But just to sell it for
as much as we could get.
But because we feel that this place
is as much yours as it is ours,
we were going to see that you were all
well looked after.
Somehow or other, we don't know how,
Mr. Hardcastle found out.
Now all he'll give us 750 pounds,
which will hardly cover the debts.
Wait a minute, Tom.
I haven't finished yet.
Robin, go and explain to him, will you?
Well, we decided, my wife and I,
to really open the Bijou,
and once more, to make a success of it.
We've got to.
If ever Hardcastle changes his mind
and we make a sale,
we'll see you all get a fair share.
Well, I hardly know
what to say, I'm sure.
It's very good of you to think of us all.
We'll do the very best we can,
I'm sure, Mr. Spenser.
Just as we did in Mr. Spenser's day.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mrs. Fazackalee.
Well, Mr. Spenser.
It's like this here.
I would like you to know,
well I appreciate what you said,
and what you're trying to do.
And believe me, I don't say this lightly,
I am absolutely determined
that I won't touch another drop,
not another drop, I won't touch, I won't.
Mr. Quill!
I don't think you may
realise, Mr. Spenser,
what a big sacrifice this
may mean for Mr. Quill.
Well, thank you, Mr. Quill.
Thank you, Mrs. Fazackalee.
We shall really have to do something
about your equipment now, Mr. Quill.
Well, that's very nice of you
to think of my problems, Mrs. Fazackalee.
I'll get you some poison.
For your rats, you know.
Oh yes, I see.
It was Old Tom who gave the game away.
Oh no!
Apparently he overheard something,
and Hardcastle's commissionaire
got hold of him.
The old chap's in terrible shape.
Oh darling, you must go
and say something to him.
Well, alright.
Everything's perfectly clear to me now.
We're going to be here
for the rest of our lives.
Matt will end up like great-uncle Simon,
I'll be Mrs. Fazackalee,
and you'll be Old Tom.
Isn't that what's gonna happen?
It were all my fault, sir.
I'll go away, there's
no place for me here.
Now look here, Tom.
I tell you what we'll better do.
I think it's time we
bought you that uniform.
Grand reopening, grand reopening,
seats at all prices, sir.
Seats at all prices.
Seats at all prices, seats at all prices.
Any customers yet, Tom?
Not yet, sir.
But it's a happy day, sir.
A very happy day, sir.
The old Bijou reopened.
We're happy too, Tom.
Especially now I've got me uniform, sir.
Very smart, Tom.
Seats at all prices!
Seats at all prices, sir.
Grand reopening!
Mr. Spenser.
Aren't you going to press the button?
Yes, the one inside,
for Mr. Quill to start you.
Oh, yes.
Hold your hat, here goes.
Is there any point in starting
if there's no one here?
Well, I suppose we
should show the pictures
at the advertised times.
Well, of course we should.
Oh, oh.
Oh, ooh.
Shall we watch for a bit?
It's free.
I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Any customers upstairs, Mrs. Fazackalee?
Well, it's only 25 past
five as yet, you know.
Get down, we're in for a fight.
Keep down.
There you are, my boy.
Well, don't be all day about it,
I want to see the flick.
The train's now standing
at number three platform.
Is the train for Flagport, Riverford,
and North Hampshire.
It's the Sheriff and his posse!
Mr. Quill!
Nothing to worry about, Mr. Spenser.
The film broke, I'll have
it fixed in a minute.
They'll tear the place apart!
Well, can't you say something to them?
Certainly the old man always did.
What do I say?
Tell them to shut up and wait for it!
We're doing our best!
Quill says I should speak to them.
Well, somebody better do something.
Ladies and gentlemen.
If you will be...
You down there!
I'll come amongst you!
You were wonderful,
you handled the whole thing beautifully.
Filthy little brutes.
I'd like to take them by
the scruff of their necks!
What on earth?
Oh, Matt, you can't
allow that sort of thing.
Spread the word around, Mrs. Fazackalee.
We're under new management,
but no change in policy.
But Matt...
Here, cook it.
Take care of 'em, boys!
Come on!
You see the idea?
He's bluffing.
He hasn't got a gun at all.
Well, I
guess that pays you off.
You cannot arrest him, Sheriff.
He has saved our lives!
Mind, they'll be coming
out any minute now.
Say, Miss Julia.
Let me introduce you to
Driftin' Slim Stanley,
Deputy U.S. Marshal.
What is this?
What's happening?
Oh, Mr. Spenser.
Here are the takings for the day.
Three pounds, eight, and ninepence.
Well, that's not very good, is it?
It's always three pounds and something
on a Monday, you know.
Well, goodnight, Mrs. Spenser.
Goodnight, Mrs. Fazackalee.
- Goodnight, Mr. Spenser.
- Goodnight.
Oh, and there's a half of lard,
and two pork chops in the drawer there.
Goodnight once more.
Do you think if we issued
a few season tickets,
we might acquire a radiogram
or a refrigerator?
By the look of half the takings,
we shall need a refrigerator.
Oh, goodnight, Mrs. Spenser.
Oh, goodnight, Mr. Quill.
- Goodnight, Mr. Spenser.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight, Mrs. Spenser.
Well, only one breakdown tonight.
Only one.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
At the end of the first week,
we simply couldn't believe it.
We were making a profit.
But we were!
One pound, 17 and six.
One chicken, two pork chops,
half a lard, and tin of cocoa.
What are we going to do?
Well, perhaps we could find out
how a real cinema is run.
Oh, darling, for heaven's sake!
Two singles at three and six.
Two single seats.
Two at three and six.
Two singles, two single seats.
Why, lad.
Oh, and Mrs. Spenser.
You don't have to queue, you know.
You're always welcome as my guests.
Thank you very much, Mr. Hardcastle.
We just thought we'd take
a sort of busman's holiday.
That's right, lad.
Come on in!
Thank you very much.
How's business?
Oh, looking up, you know, looking up.
Flat on it's back, looking up!
Quite something, isn't it?
Chocolates, sweets, ices, sweets, ices.
Well, thank you.
I think I've just had an idea.
You're going to install a Wurlitzer
for Mrs. Fazackaleee to play?
Who did that?
Oh, what?
Orange, that'll be six...
Oh, stop it!
Well, look, please, would you mind
not taking things off the tray?
I can't!
How dare you want that!
Matt, please help!
One and two please, Miss.
Thank you.
I saw what you did!
She ain't
your property, you see!
Oh, I'm sorry now, Joe!
I'd like to see you try!
I don't know who you are,
but I'm not having rowdyism in here!
Get out.
Get your hands off of me.
You heard what I said.
Do you want me to throw you out?
Come on, Molly.
You won't see us here again in a hurry.
No hurry, son.
We'll have the boys on you!
Were you the cause of that disturbance?
Nothing to do with me if they fight.
Is it?
That's a matter of opinion.
I say, wait a minute.
You wouldn't be looking for a good job
by any chance, would you?
What as?
An ice cream girl, for instance.
What, here?
I'd pay well for someone who could
attract the customers.
And stand up to the
pressure of the work.
You interested?
Well, I don't know.
I'm doing a bit of modelling
for a photographer at the moment.
He's got no heating, of course.
What's the money?
Well, let's discuss that
in the office, shall we?
What's your name?
Marlene Hogg.
You know, I think you
may be just the girl
we need, Miss Hogg.
Miss Hogg.
Two orange!
Thank you very much.
Nothing to drink?
Let me see, let me see!
Where are you going, Hank?
I can't carry on without water!
I love Mike.
Oh, oh.
Ice cream, ice cream!
Thanks for dinner, Robin.
It's been a pleasure.
And we had a lovely evening.
I don't know if it's just the wine,
but I certainly feel a
good deal more optimistic.
Oh, you have jolly good reason to be.
Don't you worry.
Hardcastle knows what
business you're doing.
Any day now, he'll be
around with that check.
Well, I hope he's right.
Mr. Quill.
Mr. Quill.
What's going on?
Old films, Mr. Spenser.
Classics, you might say.
I've saved them for years, bits of 'em.
We used to run them like
this in the old days,
but not for years, we haven't done it.
Now it seems like old times once more.
They must be taking as
much into refreshments
as they are at the box office.
Nearly a full house again tonight.
Oh, they're bluffing, I tell you.
They can bluff a long time
while they're making money, Albert.
Next week I heard they've booked a film
about a drought in Arizona.
Huh, they can't keep that up.
They can keep it up long enough.
In my opinion, we'd do
ourselves a bit of good
if we showed a few desert pictures,
instead of all this kick in the belly,
dump them over the waterfront stuff
we keep showing.
What's more, they've
got the staff behind them.
That drunken idiot of a projectionist
has even signed the pledge.
And have you seen their
ice cream girl?
Now look here, Fred, Sam.
I'm not gonna lose my head over this.
That setup at the Bijou
is like a house of cards.
If we huff and we blow...
But what with, Albert?
Leave it with me for a
couple of days, will you?
I think I may have a way
of dealing with this.
Here you are, Tom.
The Relief of Mafeking.
Oh, that's an old one.
I don't know who believed that, I'm sure.
There's a newsreel for ya.
By the weight they are,
I think I wouldn't like to have to
carry too many of them.
You could lose your arms out here.
Ta, Tom.
You're insane.
Let me see!
Where you going, Hank?
I haven't had water!
I can't leave without a drink.
There must be water somewhere.
I can't leave without a drink.
I must have water.
There must be something,
there must be something just to drink.
Jesus, give me a drink.
Anything, just a drop.
Just a little drop.
I can see it.
I see it!
It must be water there.
Must get there, must get there.
Mr. Quinn!
What's the matter?
Come here, baby!
My baby!
Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt!
10 to five.
Where has Quill gone to?
What are we going to do?
We can't not open, can we?
Do you know enough about his equipment
to run it by yourself?
Well, he doesn't know about it to...
Very well, I'll have a go.
Oh, that stupid, idiotic situation.
I'll send Mrs. Fazackaleee to find out
what's happened to him.
I'm ready to start now.
Anybody there yet?
About 20.
Well, here goes.
Thank you.
Is it alright?
Aye, it's going like one o'clock.
I'm telling you, Culpepper.
This territory ain't big enough
for you and me both.
You better be out by sundown!
Well, Sheriff.
If that's the way you want it.
Darling, are you alright?
Mrs. Fazackaleee says
Quill's locked himself
in his room and refuses to come out!
How many people are there down there?
Just about a hundred now.
I thought you might like something to eat.
I hadn't even thought about it.
We've run out!
10, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, hoorah!
As I was saying, honey.
I reckon that you're just about
the prettiest girl this
side of Rainbow Gulch.
I guess I'd better ride on back...
One thing's crystal clear.
We can't go on like this.
Well, what else can we do?
I don't know.
All I know is we can't go on like this.
Do you want to accept Hardcastle's 750?
Of course I don't want to accept it.
I can't stick at this job all my life.
I'm a novelist.
Yes I know, darling.
But it seems such a shame
after all the trouble we've taken.
And there won't be anything
at all in it for them.
We're not responsible.
It's Quill!
Drunk all the time, always
complaining about his equipment.
If I could run the blasted thing
without any trouble, why can't he run...
Oh, no!
Darling, what's happened?
Film's broken.
Alright, don't panic, don't panic!
Don't worry.
I've seen how Quill deals with this.
Matt, what about all this film?
Quill can sort all that out tomorrow.
Can you fix it?
I think so!
All you do is that.
Oh, shut up!
I think that's right.
Darling, do something!
Well, there's a knob
here somewhere, blasted!
There's a focus control gadget.
Who killed Art Link?
I've never killed
a man in cold blood before.
Go away, I told you I didn't want
to see you anymore.
Oh, but honey.
With my brains and your looks...
That's it!
That's it!
Help, ma!
I want you, ma!
I'd work for you, honey.
I'd even work out there on the railroad,
stripped to the waste.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
It's not right!
It's alright.
Don't panic!
What are you going to do?
Well, we can scrap the rest of this,
and switch on to the next reel.
You think they'd notice?
I don't know.
If we go out,
it'll be in a blaze of glory.
I have to rewind!
Just enough time to
pick up a bottle of ttout
at the Crown, Mavis.
If we catch the 9:25.
I think that's right now.
I hope.
That's it.
Okay, come and get it.
One and two.
Oh, we got our money back tonight.
After that evening,
it seemed that there was
nothing else that could happen.
But there was.
Yes, quite definitely.
Second week in February, I should say.
Where on earth have you been?
Oh, I had an appointment, just...
Well, nevermind about that now.
Something terrible has happened,
this is Mr. Hogg.
Oh, how do you do.
What do you mean something terrible...
It's Marlene.
What about Marlene?
She's gonna have a baby.
Oh, is that all?
I don't know whether you
appreciate it, madam,
but my little girl's not wed!
Oh, of course.
I should've thought.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I should think so too.
No father to put a name to it.
It's an outrage!
Well, it may have been.
But haven't you any
idea who the father is?
I may have, and I may not have.
What do you mean?
- I say no more.
- Why not?
Never you mind.
When she gets over her shock,
and makes her allegations, I shall act.
I'm warning you, Mr. Spenser.
I shall act!
Warning me?
What's he getting at?
Look here, I'm not having a...
Matt, Matt, don't be silly.
Let him go.
Darling, I've got something to tell you.
Mr. Spenser, Mr. Spenser,
the cats had kittens in the circle.
Six of them.
What shall I do with them?
Oh, not now, Tom.
I'm busy!
They're lovely little furry ones!
Not now, Tom.
There's four little girls,
and one little boy.
I've looked.
Quill's just crept in.
I'm going to have a baby.
The second week in February.
I'll go and speak to him,
I have to sort out all that mess.
One thing after another!
Oh, oh!
You're gonna have what
the second week in February?
A rabbit.
I've gone through all the bills, Robin.
750 will just about cover it.
You'll see Hardcastle
in the morning, then.
Oh, first thing.
By the way, have you
told the three of them?
Not yet.
It's not gonna be easy, you know.
Poor Mrs. Fazackaleee.
Poor Mr. Quill, poor Old Tom.
We've done everything we could for them.
From now on, you're all I care about.
Pity, you almost made a go of it.
Well, we
never could've really.
Not with a cinema like the Grand
standing at our backdoor.
Mind you, there have
been times that I felt
like burning that blasted
place to the ground.
Well, here's to the
Bijou's last programme.
So that evening,
Robin, Matt, and I,
watched the very last redskin
bite the very last bit of dust.
Jean, Jean!
Hello, Robin?
The Grand isn't there anymore.
Well I'll be...
No, we didn't hear a thing.
Wait a minute.
I thought the alarm went off,
it must've been the fire bell.
An oil leak?
Yes, I see.
He said what?
I don't believe it!
Well, it's obvious.
Hardcastle has to stay in business
until he can rebuild.
And the Bijou's the only
other theatre in town.
And for the whole establishment,
lock, stock, barrel, and debts,
my clients are prepared to accept the sum
of 10,000 pounds.
With two conditions.
First, for Mr. Percy
Quill, Mrs. Fazackaleee,
and Old Tom, that's the
only name we know for him,
are to be allowed to carry on
in their present positions
as long as they way wish.
But this is unheard of!
It's outrageous!
And secondly, that
the name of the Fleapit,
I beg your pardon, the Bijou,
is not to be changed.
In honour of my client's
late, lamented great-uncle.
I won't have it!
If you don't settle this
morning, Mr. Hardcastle,
the price goes up this afternoon.
But even the name of the place!
At least let me call it the New Bijou.
Yes, that seems to be alright.
Jolly good.
The train now standing...
Hi, Robin.
See you in London.
Next week.
And by the way, dad's very pleased.
Goodbye, my dear.
Goodbye, Mrs. Fazackaleee.
And I can't thank you enough,
Mr. and Mrs. Spenser.
I shall invest my emolument
in some small pension.
Before I spend it in other ways.
I think that's very wise, Percy.
Goodbye everyone!
Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye, God bless you.
Have a nice time.
Bye, bye, Tom.
Take care of yourself.
I like you, Mr. Spenser.
And I like your missus.
It was the only way, weren't it?
Cheerio, bye bye.
Bye, bye, Robin!
Oh, what a scramble.
Did you hear what he said?
Old Tom.
Did you hear what he said?
No, what did he say?
But darling, what's the matter?
Why you looking like that?
What did he say?
He said, I like you, Mr. Spenser,
and I like your missus.
It were the only way, weren't it?
What were the only way?
I don't know, that's what he said.
- Matt.
- No, now don't get excited.
Don't get excited.
There's probably nothing in it.
He was always saying things
that didn't mean anything.
But, if he did do it...
We'll have to go back and tell him,
I mean, we can't just go
off with Hardcastle's money
and not even...
What should we do?
Well, I have to ring him.
As soon as we get to...
No, Tom.
I'll ring him and ask
him in plain language...
No, wait.
I can't do that.
It's not the sort of thing
one can talk about on the phone.
I better write him.
That's it.
I'll write him.
Yes, you must.
- Yes, I will.
- Yes.
I'll write to him.
That's what I'll do, I'll write to him.
And we did.
We did write to him.
We sent him a postcard, from Samarkand.