The Spirit Is Willing (1967) Movie Script
Oh. Sorry, sir.
I'm always a bit jumpy
after a crew mutinies on me.
Of course.
And I wanna thank you again, captain,
for saving my cargo.
All I did was bust open
a few heads, sir.
Running a tight ship prepares a man
for the day he buys his own, eh?
Now where would the likes of me
ever get enough money
for a ship of his own, sir?
Who's the dried-up old wench, sir?
My daughter, Felicity.
She has great inner beauty.
She's unmarried.
Oh, I'm not exactly ready
to settle down, sir.
Ebenezer, some day
you'd inherit my business.
I crave the sea, sir.
And my house.
A wife needs a man who's near at hand.
And all my ships.
I'm not...
She has quite a bit of character,
doesn't she, sir?
Yes, quite a bit of character, Dad.
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The man said the house
was built around 1880.
Hmph!
And there's a cove for boating,
swimming and fishing.
Hmph!
Almost 16 years old
and all he can do is grunt.
How long do you intend to pout?
It's a free country.
Don't I have a right to be miserable?
No. Not yet.
I'm still paying the bills.
How would you like to spend
the first day of your vacation
in your room?
What room?
I haven't even seen the house yet.
What's everybody staring at?
Kate, you think the reason my boss
suggested I take an extended vacation
is he's getting ready to fire me?
What do you mean?
What's everybody? Where?
Out there everybody's
playing peek-a-boo.
Your boss is merely aware your
back has been bothering you.
I don't think so.
They haven't changed
my typewriter ribbon
in over six months.
It's New England, Steve.
They're very reserved down here
until they get to know you.
Hmph!
Ben, you're the best editor on
that magazine and you know it.
That's just what I'm gonna tell them
down at the unemployment office.
Boy, I can't wait to tell my friends
what a gas of a time
I had in Weirdsville.
Now, hear this,
Mr. Grouch.
We rented a house we never saw
because it was cheap.
I'm sorry I'm not rich
so I can spoil you rotten
like your other friends.
Now, just sit back and try to relax
and enjoy yourself.
Well, here we are.
I could barf.
I'll say this for you, kid,
you're consistent.
Isn't it time you learned to smile?
Let's face it, Mom,
I got a pretty rotten life so far.
So far your life is shot.
Here you are, sweetheart.
Thank you.
There we are.
Wanna take a bag, son, please?
Yes.
The real estate man said
the key would be under the doormat.
Under the doormat?
Hmm.
There's no key here, sweetheart.
Hey. It's open.
Happy holiday.
Hey, this is not bad at all, is it?
I like it.
You scared me.
We scared you?
Look, lady...
I heard screaming.
Ugh! Oh!
Your back.
It's all right, sweetheart.
It'll be all right in a minute.
Keep it straight, though.
Yeah.
Good.
I wasn't expecting you folks
till later.
Who are you?
Miss Tritt.
I'm the cleaning woman.
Have you ever tried using a broom?
Look, lady.
I didn't know exactly
when you were coming.
It's getting dark outside,
and this house, you know...
Or do you?
Besides, a girl all alone
has to be careful.
Well, what do we owe you?
Oh, the real estate man paid me.
Well, nice meeting you, folks.
Lots of luck.
Yeah. Our pleasure.
Well, you know,
they may be reserved down here,
but they're all flippos.
They sure are.
Yeah, they're flippos, huh?
It's not bad, huh?
What those New York
antique dealers wouldn't do
to get their hands on some of this.
Huh?
It's just old junk.
I gotta say this for you, kid,
you got a lot of class.
I'll put it down.
Oh, boy.
Aha, now I know why you picked
this crummy old barn.
So Uncle George
could have a place to park
his fat old yacht in that cove.
Steve. That is not true
and you know it.
He's too smart for that, Mom.
He knows you're just waiting
for him to kick off
and leave you his loot.
Kid, don't say anything
for the rest of the day.
Will you buy me a car
when I'm 16 next week?
No.
I didn't ask to be born.
Well, you've asked
for everything else.
One lousy car and I can't get it.
I mean, a big problem over a car.
Big deal.
Everyone has a car.
Why can't they give me a car?
Sweet.
Kate, the kid's impossible.
Oh, well, he'll outgrow it.
Yeah, but when?
Steve!
Sorry.
That's all right, pal.
Couldn't have had a girl, huh?
Well, he must be a little excited.
Yeah.
Girls are so soft, so cuddly.
All right, why don't you talk to him?
All right. I will.
Mix me a pound of martinis
and I'll talk to him.
Help! Help!
What happened to that kid?
Steve? Where are you?
Mom! Dad! Help! Help!
Where are you, Steve?
Help! Quick!
Help!
Kid.
Watch yourself.
Oh. Oh, hurry.
Okay. Hold on to something.
Be careful.
I got him, I got him.
Hold yourself. Hold it.
Watch yourself. Watch it.
You all right?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm fine.
What were you doing out there, huh?
What do you mean what was I doing?
I was looking out the window
and some clown shoved me!
There's nobody here but us.
Oh, come on, Ma,
you don't think I'm dumb en...?
What's the use?
Look, which one of these cells
is mine?
We haven't even looked at the rooms.
I have. There's one
right off the kitchen.
Is it okay if I take that one?
That sounds like a maid's room.
Don't you want something
a little bigger?
What for?
It's near the ice box
and it's got its own john.
That's a stranger
walking down the stairs.
Oh, Ben.
I mean it.
That's a stranger
that just walked downstairs.
I know he's our child.
We have a birth certificate
to prove it.
And I love that kid.
I love him.
But how do you get through to him?
Ben, you're exaggerating.
I'm not exaggerating.
It's just that I don't understand him.
In fact, there's a lot
I don't understand.
Twelve years on a job,
you think you're doing great
and all of a sudden
you get a vacation.
It's just not right.
And there's nowhere to turn.
After 18 years of marriage
and there's nowhere to turn.
Oh, sweetheart,
I didn't mean that. It's...
Of course I can turn to you.
It's just that...
Well, I... It seems the older I get,
the less I understand about Steve,
about my job and...
Well, it's a terrible thing.
All you need is a rest
and a little special attention.
My back.
And a little positive thinking.
Oh, no.
What happened?
What's going on?
All right, mister, that
comes out of your allowance.
I didn't do it.
Who did?
The invisible man upstairs?
Look, how am I supposed to know?
Maybe the joker who kept opening
that goofy old door did it.
That goofy old door is bolted.
I know. I bolted it.
Look, all I did, I looked around
and I went back into my dungeon.
And finding no food
you decided to punish us
by breaking a window.
I didn't go near
the crummy old window!
Only guilty people yell!
I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!
All right, Mr. Dreyfus!
Now, clean up this mess.
Your mother and I
are going to the market.
And while we're gone
straighten up your room,
so it won't look like a pigsty.
Well, you haven't even been
in my room yet.
How do you know...?
Hey!
Now, will you listen
to your mother, please?
Let's go.
He hates us.
He's a teenager.
They hate everything.
When he was a baby, he was so sweet.
He also used to throw up quite a bit.
Why can't we get through to him?
Let's face it, sweetheart,
we've spawned a lemon.
What's going on here?
It's inconceivable.
How many cooks rented this mausoleum?
Lady, please,
what do you think you're doing?
So that's the game, is it?
Give old Uncle George a heart attack
and get to the reading of the will?
Uncle George,
I didn't know it was you.
I thought it was one
of those other nuts.
Where's your mother and that
smart-alecky magazine editor?
Well, they went into town shopping.
Why, those three lunatics just came in
and wrecked the joint.
Come here. Look down here, boy.
That's a 55-foot diesel cabin cruiser.
Hey, that's a boss-looking
yacht, Uncle George.
You know how many toilet bowls
I had to sell
to buy get that cruiser?
Not really, no.
That baby down there's got all
the modern gadgets going.
If I could find a woman
with as many workable parts,
I'd marry her.
Well, she sure is a beauty.
You gonna sue them?
Huh?
The lunatics that wrecked the joint.
Oh, I didn't know
you heard what I said.
Listen, son,
when you're in my tax bracket,
you hear everything everybody says.
You get yourself an attorney.
Boy, Uncle George,
you should have see them.
I mean, it was like the escape
from the funny farm...
Never skimp on an attorney.
Get yourself a real killer.
And if you can get an attorney
who's also a CPA, grab him.
They're better than a bribe.
Yes, sir.
What you gonna be when
your brain's straightened out?
Well, I haven't thought much...
You'll be an attorney and a CPA.
Slide in on the gravy,
grab them and squeeze.
Got that, boy? Squeeze.
That your folks?
Shh.
Surprise!
Uncle George!
I'll take this, Mom.
Oh, well, thank you, dear.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, we'll be eating shortly,
Uncle George.
No, thank you. I wouldn't want
to ruin your husband's appetite.
Now, what kind of talk is that?
We'd love to have you stay.
Wouldn't we, dear?
If I say no will he disinherit you?
That's what I like about you, Ben.
You can't stand me, I can't stand you,
and it's all right out in the open.
Oh, let me take those.
Gee.
Oh, gee!
Uh... Anything else I can do, Dad?
Haven't you done enough?
Only guilty people yell.
Don't be too hard on the boy, Ben.
Do you know what this
is gonna cost me?
Well, we'll make those
three clowns pay.
Now who are you blaming?
Uncle George knows a great
attorney CPA, he's a real...
Go to your room!
It's not fair!
Can't you talk in a normal voice?
You wouldn't believe anything I said.
I'll have a chat with the boy.
I've got a way with people.
Selling toilets doesn't
make you a psychologist!
Uncle George is only
trying to help, dear.
Ben, you're suffering
from an anemic bank account.
Being an editor isn't
the only business in the world.
If you want me to help, I know
lots of people that count.
You think about that.
Oh, he does know a lot of people.
Well, I'm not gonna be rescued
by the king of E-Z Flush Incorporated.
Steve?
Leave me alone.
You think we ought
to pack up and go home?
And let a 15-year-old boy
run our lives?
Yeah.
Help! Help!
Help!
What...?
- Let me out of here!
- Let me out!
Uncle George!
You don't have to resort to violence
just because you don't
want me to stay for dinner.
But Kate and I,
we were in the living room
trying to straighten up.
Then who...?
Who...? Who...?
I was in my room.
I was playing my records.
And Uncle George pushed himself
down the cellar stairs?
Okay, he's gonna... Ben.
We love him.
Why does he act this way?
So unreasonable and impossible.
Well, a man gets to be 40,
he hasn't made it, he gets bitter,
you can't cope with... I mean Steve.
Oh. Oh, well,
I know how to handle him.
I'll invite him to sleep
on the yacht tonight.
I'm afraid Steve would not enjoy...
Oh, yes, he would.
The front of the craft
is called the bow,
the rear is called the stern.
The left is called the port,
the right is called the starb...
The right is called the starboard.
Feeling a little sleepy, boy?
Mm-hm.
That'll be all for tonight, Pederson.
Yes, sir. Aye, sir.
If you don't stay on top
of them, next thing you know,
they're calling you
by your first name.
Then they wanna hit you up for a loan.
Boy, you sure do know a lot
about stuff, Uncle George.
You bet your anchor I do.
And never forget, boy,
the magic word in this life is money.
And I mean money.
Captain Pederson.
Good night.
Good night.
Sir. Aye.
He hates me.
This is your cabin.
And remember, money.
Don't fall for any of that
"you can't take it with you" garbage.
Who knows?
Maybe you can.
Good night.
Good night.
Oh. Thank you ver...
You!
Oh. Oh, no,
you're one of those nuts.
Uncle George!
- Uncle George! Uncle George!
- What is it?
She's in there!
Who? Who?
One of the three flippos
that clobbered the antiques.
She's the young one who's built like...
On my ship?
All right, Pederson, open up!
Go get the ax.
It's past the barometer
on the port side
of the boatswain's chest.
Right. What'd you say?
It's the ax hanging
by the television set.
Right.
There'll be no hanky-panky
under my command.
Oh, boy, another one.
Uncle George!
The goofy-looking one
with the crazy hair
just climbed aboard
the boatswain's thingamajig.
Break this sex fiend's door down.
Right!
Steve?
Steve?
Steve? Steve.
Where'd she go?
Ugh! Oh!
Who?
The moose with the wild hair?
I was chopping down the door
when she ran right by me
into the engine room.
I followed her,
but she must have gotten...
You told me she went out deck.
Well, she was.
Didn't you see her?
She ran right by here.
I'm...
I didn't see anybody.
Did you?
Well, Uncle George,
I just told you I saw...
Now, listen here.
If this is another one
of your fancy tales...
Uncle George...
You open the seacocks
and let the water in!
Me? Uncle George, I don't know
a seacock from a seagull!
Yes, you do!
Lover boy and I showed them to you!
Uncle George, honest!
I wouldn't do this!
Stop gabbing
and get overboard on the double!
We're sinking!
We're sinking?
Look.
Oh!
Where's the rowboat?
Did you sink that too?
I haven't sunk anything!
Shut up and jump!
My rowboat!
Pederson, come back here!
Uncle George, just lean back.
Leave me alone, damn it,
I'm a senior lifeguard!
Well, that Steve really fixed my back.
What a bang he gave me with that door.
You'll feel better once you lie down.
You don't think Steve
would come in here
and knock me off my bed?
No, he wouldn't do that.
We're not gonna spend
our first night here
talking about Steve.
Are we?
You're right.
Let's think about pleasant things.
You didn't forget to pack
my wooden board
for under the mattress, did you?
You didn't.
How could you forget my wooden board?
I don't know.
I had so much to remember,
I just forgot.
It's all right, sweetheart.
I'll sleep on the floor.
Oh.
What happened?
I don't know,
but you'd better get used
to keeping company with a short man.
Oh, here, let me help you.
Oh.
Here. Hang on to the dresser
and I'll straighten...
Where's the dresser?
The dre... Straight ahead
Straight ahead. The dresser.
Straighten... Yeah.
Easy. Easy.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my. Watch it now.
Now, hang on.
Yeah, I'm hanging on.
Oh, would a drink help?
It wouldn't hurt?
Wouldn't hurt.
Right.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, now. One, two...
Sweetheart, don't tell me
when it's coming.
It'll hurt less.
Just do it, right?
Okay.
Ugh.
Did I break anything?
No, no. I'm fine.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Oh.
Just as good as old.
Now, just back me up to my mattress.
Yes.
Straight back.
Yeah.
Straight.
Don't bend me now.
No, I'm not bending you.
Don't let me bend.
No, no.
I think I'm bending.
No, you're not bending.
You're bending me.
I'm not bending you.
Then the room is bending.
No, I'm all right.
That's fine.
There.
There we are.
There we are.
Fine.
Yeah.
Sweetheart, what are you doing?
A good doctor always works close
to her patient.
But, sweetheart, my back.
Hush. I'll charge you
for a house call.
Did you hear that?
Was that the doorbell?
Yeah, that was the doorbell.
I've been expecting it.
Expecting what?
Telegram.
From who?
My boss.
Why would he send you a telegram?
That's the way they fire you today.
He may even sing it.
Oh, boy.
Ben, why must you always
be so pessimistic?
Okay, I'm not getting fired.
I'm being
summoned to the U.N.
You're really anxious
to get your grubby hands
on my money, aren't you?
Next time, hire a professional
to do your dirty work.
What happened?
Steve!
He sunk my yacht.
You sunk... I didn't!
But take it out
of my allowance anyway.
What...?
Operator, who do I call
to get my damn yacht raised?
Steve, breakfast.
Oh, I don't wanna eat.
Ever.
Now, look, Steve.
You gotta come...
Oh, please. I might as well
live in a public restroom
for all the privacy
I have around here.
All right, Steve.
Maybe some other time.
I just thought maybe you'd
like to talk about your car.
Oh, come on, Dad, sit down.
Get comfortable.
Want a pillow?
Oh, yeah.
Good.
Now, you've been saving up
for a car, right?
That's right, for a whole year.
How much you got saved up?
Twelve bucks.
Twelve dollars.
Well, Steve, you're gonna need
at least $300 for a car.
Oh, a lot more than that, Dad.
I mean, these new sports cars
really cost.
What are you talking new?
What new car?
Look, you can't afford a new car.
But, Dad, neither can you,
but you drive one.
I'm too poor to drive an old car.
Besides, every time
I, get behind that wheel
the guy in the bank
is in the back seat.
Yeah, but, Dad,
you just can't get a new car
for $300 today.
Why don't you try?
I'd like one with a motor.
All right, look.
Your mother and I decided last night
that if you get a job,
whatever you make each week,
I'll match it.
Hey, that's great, Dad.
I'll start looking today.
The sooner I connect, the sooner
that green stuff will come in.
A deal?
A deal.
You got it.
Okay.
Now, have breakfast.
Okay.
Hello?
Oh, hold on just a second, please.
Uncle George.
There's a Mr. Dorple
on the phone.
Salvage man.
Where do you buy your clothes?
From the kiddie shop?
Next time I'm fitted,
I'll give the tailor
your measurements.
Where the hell are you?
Now, don't worry,
Mr. Merkimmer.
We'll have that yacht raised
for you in no time.
Now, remember, Steve,
even if they turn you down for the job
always act polite.
Yes, sir.
Just make up your mind
you're gonna get the job, boy,
you'll get it.
Yes, sir.
Some jobs certain people
aren't suited to,
so don't walk in
expecting to be hired off
right like that.
No, sir.
It's all out there
waiting for you, boy,
just reach out and grab it.
Yes, sir.
I gave you a lift to buy some clothes,
not to give my son advice.
Nobody makes it big
by being a defeatist.
Take away your high-priced lawyers
and your shifty accountants,
you'd be in a prison cell
right now. Remember that.
Yes, sir.
If I was in a prison cell,
you can bet your afterdeck,
it'd be the fanciest room they've got.
Remember that.
Yes, sir.
Gee, thanks for the swell advice.
Your after what?
- My afterdeck.
- Your poop deck.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
I'm a very polite fellow
and I was looking for a job.
Sorry, I'm not one of them
bigshot chain stores
who can throw money around.
Oh, but, sir, I'm a good worker.
I'm diligent, kind, trustworthy.
Hi.
Hi.
My name's Priscilla.
Isn't that a gas?
Priscilla Weems.
I'm Steve Pow...
Hey, you're the...
Not really, but I do look
just like her.
Like who?
Jenny.
She used to be the maid in
the house that you're renting.
Well, she's sure a crummy maid
the way she goes around
wrecking antiques.
She's a ghost.
And sinking yachts with the...
What'd you say?
Jenny's a ghost,
and so are Ebenezer and Felicity.
They died in 1898.
My family's related to Jenny.
She never bothered to get married,
but there's a long family tree
that suggests she was very busy.
I guess it was overactive glands.
Anyway, my parents don't like
to mention it too often
because Jenny not being married,
well, that makes them all...
Look, Priscilla,
you're talking to a guy
who is thinking of buying a new car.
So don't give me
any of that ghost goulash.
Well, why don't we discuss it
over a strawberry sundae?
Well, I'm slightly embarrassed
at the moment, wallet-wise.
But as soon as I land a job I'd love...
Well, if you're looking for a job,
drop in at Mother's Bar
down the street.
You mean your mother runs a saloon?
Don't be gauche.
And after you get paid, look me up.
I hold sances for the unbelievers.
A new car. Hmm.
Bye.
Bye.
Sir.
Huh? Yes?
How do I get to Mother's Bar?
Young man,
just because there's no job,
there's no reason to turn to drink.
Sheesh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
All right, drink up, will you fellas?
Raising that yacht's gonna be
a whole day's job.
Soon as we've killed our beers, Fess.
Them beers will die of old age
before these two get off their duffs.
There ain't no ghost, you boob.
Mother, will you make her
shut her yap?
I've had a request for you
to shut your yap.
The Constitution guarantees
freedom of speech.
Anybody thinks different
is welcome to step outside.
Your move.
I know her type.
You hit them once, and you got
a lawsuit on your hands.
Gloria, are you saying
Booper and me are afraid
to go below Twitchell cove?
Don't be so sensitive, Rabbit.
Being yellow is a sign of brains.
Are you gonna make her shut up?
I've heard from that party again
concerning your big mouth.
Ghosts. Ha!
How come Millie Stemhouse went
crazy at the Twitchell place?
Because Millie Stemhouse
was crazy the day she was born.
Not as crazy as she was
after she worked there.
And how come Jeb Hardwick up and
died right on the front step?
Because his horse
up and reared him through him,
that's why.
Yeah?
Well, something made
that lame-lazy old nag
up and rear like a ballerina.
Wasn't nothing human.
Neither are you.
Come on, boys.
There's death lurking in that house,
in the cove and all around it.
Listen, did you all by your ugly self
ever lay eyes on one
of them ghosts face to face,
you lying, soused-up
hunk of know-nothing.
No.
But one of them touched me.
I was cleaning up the kitchen,
that's where they got
that cellar door.
And all of a sudden I feel a chill
like them Eskimos must feel
when they keep the window open.
And then it happened.
I hear this creaky sound.
I look around,
the cellar door is open.
I close it, I go back to cleaning,
here it comes again,
Creak.
I go over to the door,
now there's a cold wind
blowing up from the cellar,
like only the devil's icebox
could make.
I look around, nobody but me.
I start to close the door
and I smell something.
Smoke.
It's a real funny kind of smell.
All of a sudden my bones freeze.
I wanna move,
but my feet ain't listening.
And then I feel something
that's all over me
like a shroud.
I can't breathe, I'm so scared.
I close the door.
Somehow I turn around,
nobody there.
But I know there is.
I turn around again,
that cellar door is open.
Who opened it?
I wonder how many people
have died in that house
that nobody knows about.
Get yourself another boy.
Get two.
What?
Where am I gonna get
somebody the last minute
to go down below?
Hi, anybody know where a fella
can get a job around here?
Come here, son.
I just got that same
cold feeling I had
when that cellar door opened.
What do you mean there's nothing
down there but the anchor?
Get back under and find that yacht.
Yes, sir.
The salvage crew is already working
down below the cove, Uncle George.
Well, where'd you get
the jacket, dear?
Just happened to catch my eye,
so I snapped it up.
You only bought it to show off
because I offered to pay for it.
They overcharged him.
Look, if I wanna buy a jacket
and spend money,
that's my business.
He's loaded with hostility.
You let me buy you
those trousers, didn't you?
Only because you split
the seams on my others.
All that high living
has gone to your afterdeck.
It's not there, sir.
Yeah, I know.
You already told me that
it's not there.
I don't mean the yacht,
I mean the anchor.
The anchor's not there.
Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me that the anchor
you just saw down there a minute ago,
it's not there anymore?
That's right.
Look, kid.
I got a surprise for you.
All the anchors I know
don't know how to swim.
Now, get back down there,
find that yacht and be quick about it.
Yes, Dad. Uh, sir.
What's the matter?
You still mad
because they won't let you
split my skull with your ax?
You must have a lot of kids.
No.
So far we've only been blessed
with one.
Hope you got a good
photograph of the boy
because he ain't gonna look the same
after they drag this cove for him.
You mean Steve?
My son?
My son Steve is...
Steve! Steve!
Steve.
Steve, you all right?
How could they let a little boy
do such a dangerous thing?
Steve, I've known you to do
some stupid things in your life,
but, boy, your really topped
yourself this time.
Dad, you told me to get a job
and that's what I did.
I got a job.
Yeah.
Get yourself another moron.
Well, who's gonna do it?
You!
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Give me a hand.
Give me a hand!
You had to take a job, huh?
I'm sorry.
Where do you sit on this boat?
Just sit down.
Get back there.
You're on the wrong side.
Get in the back.
Fess is down there
with no oxygen tank.
Oh, old Fess can handle himself okay.
Dad, look, when I asked
for a job, I was polite.
Just like you said.
Don't talk to me
for the rest of the summer.
Dad.
I said don't talk to me.
Yes, sir. I just thought
you'd like to know
the rowboat is leaking.
Start bailing.
Put your finger in it.
Something.
Welcome home, Fess.
I was down there and it was freezing.
And here comes that anchoress
swimming towards me.
All by itself.
All by itself?
I'm going to Boston
and buy another yacht.
The insurance company can worry
about that one.
Who owns the truck?
It's mine.
Here, help me up.
You can have it for $2000,
and I'll throw in the rest
of my business
for another 6.
I'll give you 3
for the whole caboodle.
Three? I'll take it.
Say, Uncle George,
can I go to Boston with you?
I'd love...
You're going straight to your room.
And no detours.
Ben.
Oh, it's okay.
Well, you see, sweetheart,
a cheap jacket,
the water would run right off.
But this?
This holds the water good.
See?
This will never dry out.
Now, do you believe me?
I can prove there are ghosts.
Meet me at the cemetery tonight.
Priscilla there are no ghosts...
Chicken.
You're on.
Okay.
Now be in the cemetery tonight...
I know, 12 midnight.
That's only in books.
See you at 8.
After the ghosts have had dinner.
Hi.
Hi.
Did I scare you?
Oh, of course not.
Well, I'm here.
Make with the ghosts?
Well, you've gotta stand
behind their graves.
Oh, now, come on.
I mean, shouldn't a coyote
be howling or something?
Who's he?
Miles Thorpe.
Oh, what's he doing here?
His parents think he's in bed.
I'm his babysitter.
I suppose you see ghosts too, huh?
All the time.
When Mommy and Daddy come back
from the movies
and come in to see
if I'm sleeping okay,
I tell them
about going to the cemetery
and seeing all the ghosts
and everything.
Sure you do.
He does.
They just don't believe him.
Parents never believe little boys.
Okay, Miles, dear, I'm ready.
Gotta get behind the grave.
This is for you.
Thank you.
And this is for you.
And this is for me.
Felicity loves Ebenezer.
Throw a daisy.
Ebenezer loves Jenny.
Love is for two.
Three is too many.
Come out of your graves
and into the night.
Come to our sance.
and tell us your plight.
Jenny, are you there?
Well, if she is, then leave a message
with her answering service.
Hey, what's the...?
Shh.
Jenny.
Jenny, Steve Powell is with us and...
Jenny's got her eye on you.
Oh.
Oh, hello, Felicity, how are you?
Oh, well that's ve...
Jenny, would you...?
Please do not interrupt.
It's Felicity's turn.
Steve's not even 16 yet.
Sorry, Felicity, go on.
I see.
Well, hold on, I'll ask him.
Felicity says that if you buy
some of the things she wants,
she'll lay off.
What sort of things?
Felicity, speak slowly.
Silk hose, size 10 and a half.
A new sheer night gown
with flowers on it.
Bright red Tujour lipstick.
Ooh La La perfume number 3.
Kiss Me Quick nail polish.
And high-gloss lacquer deodorant spray
with a five-day guarantee.
Thank you, Felicity.
Good night.
Now, all you have to do...
Oh, I get it.
It's the old badger game.
Adios, strange one.
No fool like a young one.
Oh, go fly a broom.
If Felicity heard you,
you'll really get it now.
You.
You're one of the...
And Priscilla told me
you were a ghost.
Well, you sure don't look...
Sweetheart, that's a first.
What is?
We sent Steve to his room
after dinner,
we haven't heard a peep out
of him since.
Well, to our new Steve.
To our new Steve.
That must be Uncle George
with his new yacht.
He seems eager to come to shore.
Well, he can't wait to brag to me
how he made
the insurance company crawl.
Now, Ben, you mustn't
resent Uncle George.
He tries very hard.
To Uncle George.
Oh, okay, so you're a ghost.
I believe. I believe.
Knock it off, will you?
I'm a friend of Miles!
Why don't you hang out
at the graveyard
where you belong?
Guess what happened
to my brand-new yacht?
You don't mean it...
And the undertow capsized my rowboat.
Gee, that's too bad.
You'll probably get a new rowboat
with tomorrow's yacht.
Help!
What the hell is that?
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
You better tell us or...
Ben, let him talk.
I'm gonna tell you exactly
what happened
to Uncle George's yacht.
Two yachts.
We're waiting.
Yes, sir, I know just
who wrecked the yachts
and this furniture and the house
and who knows what
they're gonna do next.
Well, tell us. Who is...?
Let the boy talk.
He said he's gonna tell the truth.
That's right, Steve.
Tell the truth.
The truth is always the best way.
All right. Now who
is responsible for all this?
Ghosts.
Ghosts?
There was a lady ghost here
a minute ago.
A lady ghost?
They come in all sizes.
All kinds of sizes, ladies.
Real bodies.
Real bodies.
Ectoplasm.
Ectoplasm.
With puffs of smoke.
Puffs of smoke.
Ever been any insanity in your family?
Why, look...
You think maybe... No, no, no.
Pardon me?
Yes?
I wonder if you have
any books from the...
Oh. Yes, yes, of course.
Ghosts up your chimney?
Poltergeist. That's German.
It means noisy ghost.
Well, how did you know
what kind of books I'm...?
You're Mr. Powell, aren't you?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, most people usually
come here a few minutes
after they've arrived
at Twitchell house, and a...
So I like to keep the stack ready.
Of course some people
just get into their car
and it'sarrivederci.
Yeah.
Have they done much damage yet?
Who?
The ghosts.
Look, Miss...
Weems. Carol Weems.
I'm unmarried.
Well, congratulations.
I mean...
You're an attractive man,
and with Jenny so eager
and Felicity so deprived,
well, ghost or not,
they're still female.
If you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
I mean, I do know what you mean,
but I don't believe in ghosts.
Men walk around in space
with plastic umbilical cords
in their navels.
What's a ghost compared to that?
Look, miss, there's a big difference
between a ghost and a man
with a plastic navel.
Don't be afraid to believe
in ghosts, Mr. Powell.
I'm not afraid to believe in anything.
I didn't intend to put you
on the defensive.
If you just take these books
and go over to one
of those tables over there
and just glance through them.
Thank you.
And when you're finished with those,
I'll give you another batch.
You mean there's more?
Thank you.
Ghosts up your chimney?
Mr. Powell,
isn't Steve with you?
Huh?
It's my older sister, Carol.
She'll probably wind up
marrying an encyclopedia.
I expected Steve to be with you.
Well, he promised to be with me, yes.
Okay, bye.
Hi. I was waiting for you.
Oh? How come?
Felicity told me
that you and your father
were driving to the library.
She's got a big mouth.
Yeah. Well, Dad agreed
to read up on ghosts
but frankly, I don't think it'll help.
My parents never accept
anything that I say.
I know. But they're all the
same. What can we do with them?
We're stuck with them.
Yeah.
Priscilla, how do I get
my folks to believe?
I don't know,
but they better latch on soon
or something might happen.
You mean they're in danger?
Jenny drowned Captain Pederson.
I think she liked him.
But what have the ghosts got
against my father and mother?
Ghosts are only dead people.
A psychopath is a psychopath,
in or out of the coffin.
I certainly don't want anything
to happen to my parents.
Spooks, poltergeists.
Flying objects?
Because it's 6
I'll have the other books
ready for you when you return.
Well, I'm not about...
I've converted others.
Well, I'm afraid...
All you need is an open mind.
The right frame of mind
is so important for so many things.
Don't you agree?
Steve?
Mother, I'll have a dietetic anything.
Beer.
Beat it, kid.
Kid? Anybody who sees ghosts
is no longer a kid.
You've seen them, I can tell.
You're aging right before my eyes.
Give him his beer, Mother.
He's an old man.
Look, I can get into trouble if...
If your kids saw ghosts,
wouldn't you help them out,
you big slob?
For the legal record,
how old are you, sir?
Forty-two.
If your folks could see a ghost,
then they'd know they're in danger
and they'd get out.
Would Felicity come
to a party at my house
if I invited her?
Only if there are men
of the sea there.
She's got this thing about sailors
because of Ebenezer.
Well, that's it then.
I'll have my folks throw
a surprise masquerade party
for my birthday.
Real heavy on the sea costumes.
Brilliant.
And it would be very diplomatic
if I could tell Felicity
that you're going to buy her
all those little items
that she asked for.
It's a deal.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm making a citizen's arrest
right here.
But he said he was 42.
He said he's 42?
I'm his father.
I'm not 42.
Well, I've got witnesses.
Gotta go, Priscilla.
You bet you've gotta go.
Come on.
Serving a minor.
I didn't mean to frighten you.
This silly ghost talk of Steve's
has me right on the edge.
I just wanted to know if I could
call a long distance to Boston.
Oh, of course you may, my dear.
Mom. Hey, Mom.
Mom, you're throwing me
a surprise masquerade party
for my birthday.
And I want everybody
to wear sailor outfits.
I mean, real Treasure Island
stuff, okay?
Well, if that's what you want, Steve.
And invite all of your friends
from New York.
Especially bachelors.
Oh, you mean bachelors your age?
No, no, no.
I mean real bachelors.
Guys with that look
in their eyes, you know.
But Steve, I...
Kate, what's the difference?
The main thing is Steve's gonna start
to cooperate with us,
and we can start enjoying
our summer, right?
Right. I'll be back
in a few minutes.
Oh, but lunch is almost ready.
Oh, no, no.
I've gotta go
pick some daisies. Bye.
Pick some daisies?
Masquerade party?
Isn't he acting strangely?
With him, how can you tell?
Well, did you learn anything
at the library?
Yeah.
I learned one thing.
There ain't no such thing as ghosts.
Oh.
And from now on, no more cooking in.
From now on, we're eating out.
Well, it's nice to see you
in such a good mood.
How about I mix us a couple of drinks?
Mm-hm.
Hey, got a great idea.
Let's invite my boss to the party.
I'll let him fire me face-to-face.
Then I'll shove him off the cliff.
Yeah? You insurance boys
are all the same.
You like to pull it in,
but you hate to shell out.
Yeah, I know about that.
That Steve's a changed boy.
Now don't tell me.
I'm telling you.
And if you come to the party,
Felicity dear,
Steve will buy you
those feminine items
that you wanted.
Gift wrapped.
Don't give me any
of that bourgeois, sonny.
You pay somebody's claim
then you turn around
and raise somebody else's rates.
So two yachts sank in two days.
Is it my fault that the ship builders
are building boats
out of soda crackers today?
Kate, were you in the living room?
When?
Never mind.
I have to go back into town.
Well, what about lunch?
I forgot something.
You threatening me, sonny?
I'll buy your whole company and...
Yeah, the same to you, sonny.
Yeah?
And so is your old man.
And earrings that sparkle.
And five-day deodorant.
I think I'll buy me
an insurance company.
Those guys got it made.
Lunch will be ready in just a minute.
Well, just holler.
I'm going out to my truck
to get that guarantee
for yesterday's yacht.
Kate!
Fill her up, Mother.
Have one yourself.
You need it.
I told you about
the Twitchell house, didn't I?
There will never be peace
in that house
until Felicity finds a man.
Thus freeing Jenny and Ebenezer.
Don't fight it, Ben.
Accept the inevitable.
I hope these local quacks
went to regular medical school.
And just didn't phone in
for some cockamamy certificate.
What I can't figure out
is where that tunnel leads to.
Probably the cove.
Well, where did all that
colored smoke come from?
Sunshine playing tricks
with the dust down there.
And the lights went out
because the wiring in that museum
is as antiquated as privies.
All right. How did the door
close by itself?
Drafty cellar.
Kate, one thing I've learned in life:
Everything has an answer.
And if it hasn't, you can buy one.
I suppose.
But what about the knife?
Yes.
You dig deep enough,
you find reasons for everything.
Adultery? What makes you say
a thing like adultery?
Well, you see, a long time ago,
this Felicity dame...
I mean, she was a real dog, you know.
Well, anyway, on her honeymoon,
this Ebenezer cat went...
Now, Steve. I called you in here
for a very important talk.
You know, man-to-man stuff.
Yeah, but gee, Dad, we learned
all about that stuff in school,
so you don't have to bother... Steve.
Look, let's pretend
like I'm not your father.
Say, I'm a complete stranger.
Somebody that you listen to.
That's called sarcasm, isn't it, Dad?
That's right.
That's sarcasm.
Now, I think I saw something
in that mirror today.
Dad, you believe!
I said I think.
Now, I don't wanna say anything
about this to your mother
because I don't wanna frighten her.
We won't tell her about
my inviting the ghosts.
Good, don't tell her
about inviting any g...
What did you say?
Well, gee, Dad. I invited
this frustrated virgin ghost
Felicity to the party
so you could see her.
Steve, how do you invite
a ghost anywhere?
Well, you see, Priscilla
tunes them in at the graves.
And then throw daisies all around.
Then she chants and we all...
Steve, never mind.
You just point out this Felicity,
this virgin ghost,
you point her out to me at the party.
And if I see her, I promise you
we'll leave here
quicker than my boss could fire me.
Groovy.
You didn't hear what I said.
Fire me. Never mind.
Here, let me help you.
You'll be all right.
- What happened?
- Are you okay, Mom?
Yes, I'm all right, dear.
I just bumped my head.
She fell in the cellar.
Did you take her to a doctor?
Well, somebody had to.
I'm sorry
I couldn't be there
to help you, sweetheart.
Oh, that's all right.
You were probably busy in town.
Tonight we'll find
the best restaurant.
I don't feel like
going out tonight, thank you.
Kate. I'm really worried
about your head.
I think my head
is just beginning to clear.
Is anything wrong?
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Carol.
Priscilla told me
that your son invited Felicity
to his party.
Yes, and I'd like that
to be our little secret.
And that discussion at Mother's
helped me
make up my mind
about quite a few things.
Oh, and I'd feel better
if you'd come to the party.
I think that's very wise
because I know what
Felicity looks like
and I can point her out to you.
Oh, you understand that my wife
is to know nothing about this?
Thank you. Bye.
Kate? Kate.
I'm resting.
That's a good idea.
Do you have anything to read?
I could always run back
to the library?
That won't be necessary.
High-gloss lacquer deodorant spray?
It has a five-day guarantee, right?
It certainly does.
It takes five days
and a pint of turpentine
to scrape it off.
We haven't carried it for years.
Oh.
I'm told it was an immediate failure
until the farmers started buying it
to spray livestock.
Well, I'll have that nifty-looking one
over there instead, okay?
Oh, and some bright red
Tujour lipstick,
Ooh La La perfume number 3
and Kiss Me Quick nail polish.
Those items are so ancient,
I didn't think anyone
under 90 remembered them.
Who are they for?
Well, you might say they're
for an old-fashioned girl.
He bought all that?
Yeah, yeah,
it's all right to charge it.
Is this sheer enough?
Is this the sexiest number you've got?
Just a moment please.
I think I better have
one of our younger
salespeople help you.
Operator, I wanna speak
person to person
to the psychologist
at E-Z Flush Incorporated
in Dubuque.
No, I don't know his name.
Just ask for the house headshrinker.
Hmm.
All right, Mr. Himer.
You won't be needing that
that any longer.
There we are.
Uh-huh.
Mr. Himer,
when you were a child,
you used to carry a blanket
with you around the house.
You didn't?
Mm-hm.
Well, did you ever, uh...?
I'll be right back.
Hmm. Right.
Dr. Frieden speaking.
May I please call you back?
Mr. Merkimmer
who owns the, uh...?
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Please put him on.
Mr. Merkimmer.
I never had the pleasure of...
Shut up and listen.
Ah-ha.
What would you make of a boy
going on 16
that buys lipstick and nail polish
and perfume and night gowns?
Well, sir, is he buying
these feminine items
for a young lady or for himself?
Just between you and me,
that's what I wanna find out.
Any particular shade of nail polish?
Don't look too surprised.
There are about seven of us so far.
I'm Mr. Frieden.
Oh.
Mr. Merkimmer invited me.
Well, any friend of Uncle George is...
I know.
Is a friend of yours.
Not necessarily.
Come on in.
Right. Thanks.
Uncle George, your friend.
How do you do?
Mr. Frieden from Dubuque.
Oh, hello, Leon.
How are you?
My name isn't Leon.
Shut up.
That's the boy over there.
Ah-ha.
Don't let him know who you are
or you can forget about
your old-age pension, Leon.
Uh-huh.
Steve, did you see anything?
No, no, not yet, Dad.
Look, when I point out Felicity
to you, don't get scared,
because, you know, she's just an...
Oh, Mr. Frieden.
This is Steve, the birthday boy.
How do you do?
Steve.
Mr. Frieden is a friend
of Uncle George.
Oh.
I... You have to excuse me now.
I want to see
what's keeping your mother.
Oh, yeah. Ahem.
Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I didn't
bring you a present.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Who wants presents
on their birthday, anyway?
Steve, I intend to send you a gift.
Are you partial
to anything in particular?
Well, like what?
Well, what sort of thing
appeal to you?
Footballs?
Yeah.
Basketballs?
Perfume?
Nail polish?
Boy, I didn't know Uncle George
knew any guys like you.
Kate, you look absolutely beautiful.
So do you.
Kate, is there anything wrong?
I mean, you've been so...
Excuse me.
Carol. Come on in.
Gosh, you're dressed...
Just like my wife.
She took a nasty fall recently.
But come on in and keep an eye
out for you-know-what.
Jenny, will you give back my hat?
I'll get it.
Well, you sure do look
swell, Priscilla.
Well, come on, I've gotta
show you the presents site
I got for Felicity.
Well, I just hope Felicity
likes all this stuff.
Here's the deodorant.
It's not what she wanted,
but it's pretty good.
Stockings, more stockings,
perfume, lipstick, um...
Here's the negli... Negli...
Priscilla.
No, no, Priscilla.
Look, you know,
I'm 16 today, Priscilla.
And you're just not fooling around
with a kid or anything, you know?
Priscilla.
Priscilla.
Priscilla, you shouldn't.
Priscilla.
Priscilla. No.
Priscilla.
Priscilla.
Have you seen any ghosts yet?
Keep looking.
Have you seen Leon?
It's hard to recognize
us pirates without a nametag.
You wanna see Leon?
Yup.
Uncle George wants to see you, Leon.
Hey, Leon.
My name isn't Leon.
It's...
Oh. Oh, Leon. Yeah.
That's right.
Yes, Leon.
Thank you, thank you.
Ah.
I understand you wanted to see me.
Is the boy gonna grow up
to be a marine or a whack?
Well, I haven't had
enough time to determine.
Listen here, sonny.
I flew you clear across
the country to do a job.
Not to live it up.
Yes, sir. Yes, uh...
Yeah. Thanks, yes, sir.
Pardon me, could you tell me
where young Steve is?
Happy birthday.
Hey, for me?
Thanks, Miles.
Why don't you get yourself
some junk to eat?
Okay.
Well, how did you change
your costume so quickly?
You know, in my room,
you were wearing the blue with...
You weren't in my room?
You...?
Well, then you and me, we...?
We didn't...?
Oh.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What's on your mind, sailor?
She's a ghost.
Aren't you?
Kids. You never know
what they're gonna say next.
Well, she is a ghost.
Keep your eye on her.
Dad.
Felicity's here.
Felicity?
Where? Where?
Well, she's talking to Uncle George.
That's Mary Ambrosh,
the hairdresser's wife.
Felicity just went through
the front door.
Can I speak to your father
a minute, please?
Look, you stay away from my father.
Excuse me.
May I talk to you
man to man for a minute?
I just had the strangest experience.
There was this girl.
Very attractive, blond type.
And we were behind the tree.
One minute she was there,
and then suddenly...
Kate, it's a lovely birthday party.
You seem to be having a good time.
Oh, come on.
I have to speak to you.
Leon, not now.
Keep Steve handy.
I have a little present for him.
I hope it's money.
You wouldn't have said that
if you were sober.
It's up in my room.
You know what your Uncle George
has been up to?
Tell her, Leon.
Mr. Merkimmer...
Never mind.
Where is he?
He's "upshtairs."
And I know
I said "shtairs."
Shtairs.
Oh, Carol, honey.
Have you read any good
dirty books lately?
Okay.
Take it easy.
I'll get you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, you...
Okay.
What happened?
I'm changing my will tomorrow.
You think I had anything
to do with this?
You mean to tell me
you didn't sneak up
and grab me from behind?
I strung you up
and then I pulled you down?
Who knows what a sick mind
is capable of doing?
Why don't you ask
your Dr. Leon?
Yeah, that boy of yours.
Look, my wife and I will decide
if Steve needs anything.
He's got more problems than you think.
You're the one with the problems.
Just because you're the head
of E-Z Flush
doesn't make you
the head of my family.
I warned Kate not to marry a loser.
What do you know about marriage,
you walking safety-deposit box?
You know so much about marriage,
why don't you get married yourself?
Well, because I...
Because you're afraid
they were after your piggy bank,
not your sweet disposition.
Hmm.
Hey, I think maybe we didn't
throw enough daisies?
Hi.
How are things in ghost land?
Gee, I hope you like
the presents, ma'am.
That deodorant goop
isn't exactly what you wanted,
but it's still pretty powerful.
Why are you in such a hurry?
Wouldn't you like to stay
and listen to some records?
Go get my father, quick.
I wish you'd stay.
My parents are dying to meet you.
Mr. Powell, quick.
Felicity is in Steve's bedroom.
Tell your sister
I wanna see her right away.
Okay.
Uh, see you later, sweetheart.
Mrs. Powell...
Oh, Carol.
Carol dear.
My husband wants you, you librarian.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
No, you've gotta wait
for my dad to see you.
No, please, wait!
- Steve?
- Don't come down, Mom!
- Steve?
- Look out, Ma.
She's got a cleaver!
Steve.
Kate.
Kate, you all right?
Dad, she's getting away!
My son talks to empty cellars.
And he throws meat cleavers
at his mother.
Sweetheart, believe me,
you're taking all this too seriously.
Believe me... Dad, will you please?
Making out at a time like this?
You and that sexy bookworm.
Playing right...
What playing? There was nothing
between us.
That was all that ghost business.
Believe me.
Sweetheart, I love only you.
I love you.
Don't you understand that?
All you had to do was look.
I know you wouldn't see her.
I just knew it.
Making out on the stairs.
Making out.
Lovely evening for shopping?
May I?
Would you care to come for a walk?
Ah, that's right, honey.
I don't have a penny to my name.
But all the same...
Mr. Merkimmer,
you just fell!
You're standing on nothing.
Ah!
How did you like the party?
Everybody stayed late.
Mmm.
Hey, have you seen
Uncle George anywhere?
No.
I said some
pretty rough things to him.
You know, I think we'd all be happier
if we left this house tonight.
Mmm.
I think it would be better
if we left in the morning.
Wouldn't hurt.
Wouldn't hurt.
Hey, that's Uncle George's truck.
Uncle George! Uncle George!
Gee, he left in a hurry.
Steve, um, we were thinking
maybe you'd like to drive
part of the way home?
But I haven't taken
my driver's test yet.
Well, you've been telling us
you know how to drive.
Why should you take my word
for it all of a sudden?
You never believe anything I say.
Your mother and I,
we've had a lot
on our minds lately and...
Well, you're 16 now.
Practically a man.
I am sorry I yelled at you.
Steve, there's so much noise
in the world today
sometimes a fella has to yell.
Just to be heard.
Well, my boss didn't show up
at the party.
So if he fires me, I think I'll quit.
There are other jobs.
Yeah.
What would we do if Mom
inherited a barrel of dollars
from Uncle George?
You mean if he isn't changing
his will at this minute?
I think the first thing we'd do
is buy you a car, Steve.
And then we'd take a trip to Europe.
Hey, we could go to Ireland.
They're loaded with ghosts, you know.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, keep your eye on the road!
Oh. Sorry, Dad.
I really am.
Uh, I didn't mean
to raise my voice, Steve.
Forget it.
I'm always a bit jumpy
after a crew mutinies on me.
Of course.
And I wanna thank you again, captain,
for saving my cargo.
All I did was bust open
a few heads, sir.
Running a tight ship prepares a man
for the day he buys his own, eh?
Now where would the likes of me
ever get enough money
for a ship of his own, sir?
Who's the dried-up old wench, sir?
My daughter, Felicity.
She has great inner beauty.
She's unmarried.
Oh, I'm not exactly ready
to settle down, sir.
Ebenezer, some day
you'd inherit my business.
I crave the sea, sir.
And my house.
A wife needs a man who's near at hand.
And all my ships.
I'm not...
She has quite a bit of character,
doesn't she, sir?
Yes, quite a bit of character, Dad.
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The spirit is willing
Your kisses
Are chilling
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
The man said the house
was built around 1880.
Hmph!
And there's a cove for boating,
swimming and fishing.
Hmph!
Almost 16 years old
and all he can do is grunt.
How long do you intend to pout?
It's a free country.
Don't I have a right to be miserable?
No. Not yet.
I'm still paying the bills.
How would you like to spend
the first day of your vacation
in your room?
What room?
I haven't even seen the house yet.
What's everybody staring at?
Kate, you think the reason my boss
suggested I take an extended vacation
is he's getting ready to fire me?
What do you mean?
What's everybody? Where?
Out there everybody's
playing peek-a-boo.
Your boss is merely aware your
back has been bothering you.
I don't think so.
They haven't changed
my typewriter ribbon
in over six months.
It's New England, Steve.
They're very reserved down here
until they get to know you.
Hmph!
Ben, you're the best editor on
that magazine and you know it.
That's just what I'm gonna tell them
down at the unemployment office.
Boy, I can't wait to tell my friends
what a gas of a time
I had in Weirdsville.
Now, hear this,
Mr. Grouch.
We rented a house we never saw
because it was cheap.
I'm sorry I'm not rich
so I can spoil you rotten
like your other friends.
Now, just sit back and try to relax
and enjoy yourself.
Well, here we are.
I could barf.
I'll say this for you, kid,
you're consistent.
Isn't it time you learned to smile?
Let's face it, Mom,
I got a pretty rotten life so far.
So far your life is shot.
Here you are, sweetheart.
Thank you.
There we are.
Wanna take a bag, son, please?
Yes.
The real estate man said
the key would be under the doormat.
Under the doormat?
Hmm.
There's no key here, sweetheart.
Hey. It's open.
Happy holiday.
Hey, this is not bad at all, is it?
I like it.
You scared me.
We scared you?
Look, lady...
I heard screaming.
Ugh! Oh!
Your back.
It's all right, sweetheart.
It'll be all right in a minute.
Keep it straight, though.
Yeah.
Good.
I wasn't expecting you folks
till later.
Who are you?
Miss Tritt.
I'm the cleaning woman.
Have you ever tried using a broom?
Look, lady.
I didn't know exactly
when you were coming.
It's getting dark outside,
and this house, you know...
Or do you?
Besides, a girl all alone
has to be careful.
Well, what do we owe you?
Oh, the real estate man paid me.
Well, nice meeting you, folks.
Lots of luck.
Yeah. Our pleasure.
Well, you know,
they may be reserved down here,
but they're all flippos.
They sure are.
Yeah, they're flippos, huh?
It's not bad, huh?
What those New York
antique dealers wouldn't do
to get their hands on some of this.
Huh?
It's just old junk.
I gotta say this for you, kid,
you got a lot of class.
I'll put it down.
Oh, boy.
Aha, now I know why you picked
this crummy old barn.
So Uncle George
could have a place to park
his fat old yacht in that cove.
Steve. That is not true
and you know it.
He's too smart for that, Mom.
He knows you're just waiting
for him to kick off
and leave you his loot.
Kid, don't say anything
for the rest of the day.
Will you buy me a car
when I'm 16 next week?
No.
I didn't ask to be born.
Well, you've asked
for everything else.
One lousy car and I can't get it.
I mean, a big problem over a car.
Big deal.
Everyone has a car.
Why can't they give me a car?
Sweet.
Kate, the kid's impossible.
Oh, well, he'll outgrow it.
Yeah, but when?
Steve!
Sorry.
That's all right, pal.
Couldn't have had a girl, huh?
Well, he must be a little excited.
Yeah.
Girls are so soft, so cuddly.
All right, why don't you talk to him?
All right. I will.
Mix me a pound of martinis
and I'll talk to him.
Help! Help!
What happened to that kid?
Steve? Where are you?
Mom! Dad! Help! Help!
Where are you, Steve?
Help! Quick!
Help!
Kid.
Watch yourself.
Oh. Oh, hurry.
Okay. Hold on to something.
Be careful.
I got him, I got him.
Hold yourself. Hold it.
Watch yourself. Watch it.
You all right?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm fine.
What were you doing out there, huh?
What do you mean what was I doing?
I was looking out the window
and some clown shoved me!
There's nobody here but us.
Oh, come on, Ma,
you don't think I'm dumb en...?
What's the use?
Look, which one of these cells
is mine?
We haven't even looked at the rooms.
I have. There's one
right off the kitchen.
Is it okay if I take that one?
That sounds like a maid's room.
Don't you want something
a little bigger?
What for?
It's near the ice box
and it's got its own john.
That's a stranger
walking down the stairs.
Oh, Ben.
I mean it.
That's a stranger
that just walked downstairs.
I know he's our child.
We have a birth certificate
to prove it.
And I love that kid.
I love him.
But how do you get through to him?
Ben, you're exaggerating.
I'm not exaggerating.
It's just that I don't understand him.
In fact, there's a lot
I don't understand.
Twelve years on a job,
you think you're doing great
and all of a sudden
you get a vacation.
It's just not right.
And there's nowhere to turn.
After 18 years of marriage
and there's nowhere to turn.
Oh, sweetheart,
I didn't mean that. It's...
Of course I can turn to you.
It's just that...
Well, I... It seems the older I get,
the less I understand about Steve,
about my job and...
Well, it's a terrible thing.
All you need is a rest
and a little special attention.
My back.
And a little positive thinking.
Oh, no.
What happened?
What's going on?
All right, mister, that
comes out of your allowance.
I didn't do it.
Who did?
The invisible man upstairs?
Look, how am I supposed to know?
Maybe the joker who kept opening
that goofy old door did it.
That goofy old door is bolted.
I know. I bolted it.
Look, all I did, I looked around
and I went back into my dungeon.
And finding no food
you decided to punish us
by breaking a window.
I didn't go near
the crummy old window!
Only guilty people yell!
I'm innocent!
I'm innocent!
All right, Mr. Dreyfus!
Now, clean up this mess.
Your mother and I
are going to the market.
And while we're gone
straighten up your room,
so it won't look like a pigsty.
Well, you haven't even been
in my room yet.
How do you know...?
Hey!
Now, will you listen
to your mother, please?
Let's go.
He hates us.
He's a teenager.
They hate everything.
When he was a baby, he was so sweet.
He also used to throw up quite a bit.
Why can't we get through to him?
Let's face it, sweetheart,
we've spawned a lemon.
What's going on here?
It's inconceivable.
How many cooks rented this mausoleum?
Lady, please,
what do you think you're doing?
So that's the game, is it?
Give old Uncle George a heart attack
and get to the reading of the will?
Uncle George,
I didn't know it was you.
I thought it was one
of those other nuts.
Where's your mother and that
smart-alecky magazine editor?
Well, they went into town shopping.
Why, those three lunatics just came in
and wrecked the joint.
Come here. Look down here, boy.
That's a 55-foot diesel cabin cruiser.
Hey, that's a boss-looking
yacht, Uncle George.
You know how many toilet bowls
I had to sell
to buy get that cruiser?
Not really, no.
That baby down there's got all
the modern gadgets going.
If I could find a woman
with as many workable parts,
I'd marry her.
Well, she sure is a beauty.
You gonna sue them?
Huh?
The lunatics that wrecked the joint.
Oh, I didn't know
you heard what I said.
Listen, son,
when you're in my tax bracket,
you hear everything everybody says.
You get yourself an attorney.
Boy, Uncle George,
you should have see them.
I mean, it was like the escape
from the funny farm...
Never skimp on an attorney.
Get yourself a real killer.
And if you can get an attorney
who's also a CPA, grab him.
They're better than a bribe.
Yes, sir.
What you gonna be when
your brain's straightened out?
Well, I haven't thought much...
You'll be an attorney and a CPA.
Slide in on the gravy,
grab them and squeeze.
Got that, boy? Squeeze.
That your folks?
Shh.
Surprise!
Uncle George!
I'll take this, Mom.
Oh, well, thank you, dear.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, we'll be eating shortly,
Uncle George.
No, thank you. I wouldn't want
to ruin your husband's appetite.
Now, what kind of talk is that?
We'd love to have you stay.
Wouldn't we, dear?
If I say no will he disinherit you?
That's what I like about you, Ben.
You can't stand me, I can't stand you,
and it's all right out in the open.
Oh, let me take those.
Gee.
Oh, gee!
Uh... Anything else I can do, Dad?
Haven't you done enough?
Only guilty people yell.
Don't be too hard on the boy, Ben.
Do you know what this
is gonna cost me?
Well, we'll make those
three clowns pay.
Now who are you blaming?
Uncle George knows a great
attorney CPA, he's a real...
Go to your room!
It's not fair!
Can't you talk in a normal voice?
You wouldn't believe anything I said.
I'll have a chat with the boy.
I've got a way with people.
Selling toilets doesn't
make you a psychologist!
Uncle George is only
trying to help, dear.
Ben, you're suffering
from an anemic bank account.
Being an editor isn't
the only business in the world.
If you want me to help, I know
lots of people that count.
You think about that.
Oh, he does know a lot of people.
Well, I'm not gonna be rescued
by the king of E-Z Flush Incorporated.
Steve?
Leave me alone.
You think we ought
to pack up and go home?
And let a 15-year-old boy
run our lives?
Yeah.
Help! Help!
Help!
What...?
- Let me out of here!
- Let me out!
Uncle George!
You don't have to resort to violence
just because you don't
want me to stay for dinner.
But Kate and I,
we were in the living room
trying to straighten up.
Then who...?
Who...? Who...?
I was in my room.
I was playing my records.
And Uncle George pushed himself
down the cellar stairs?
Okay, he's gonna... Ben.
We love him.
Why does he act this way?
So unreasonable and impossible.
Well, a man gets to be 40,
he hasn't made it, he gets bitter,
you can't cope with... I mean Steve.
Oh. Oh, well,
I know how to handle him.
I'll invite him to sleep
on the yacht tonight.
I'm afraid Steve would not enjoy...
Oh, yes, he would.
The front of the craft
is called the bow,
the rear is called the stern.
The left is called the port,
the right is called the starb...
The right is called the starboard.
Feeling a little sleepy, boy?
Mm-hm.
That'll be all for tonight, Pederson.
Yes, sir. Aye, sir.
If you don't stay on top
of them, next thing you know,
they're calling you
by your first name.
Then they wanna hit you up for a loan.
Boy, you sure do know a lot
about stuff, Uncle George.
You bet your anchor I do.
And never forget, boy,
the magic word in this life is money.
And I mean money.
Captain Pederson.
Good night.
Good night.
Sir. Aye.
He hates me.
This is your cabin.
And remember, money.
Don't fall for any of that
"you can't take it with you" garbage.
Who knows?
Maybe you can.
Good night.
Good night.
Oh. Thank you ver...
You!
Oh. Oh, no,
you're one of those nuts.
Uncle George!
- Uncle George! Uncle George!
- What is it?
She's in there!
Who? Who?
One of the three flippos
that clobbered the antiques.
She's the young one who's built like...
On my ship?
All right, Pederson, open up!
Go get the ax.
It's past the barometer
on the port side
of the boatswain's chest.
Right. What'd you say?
It's the ax hanging
by the television set.
Right.
There'll be no hanky-panky
under my command.
Oh, boy, another one.
Uncle George!
The goofy-looking one
with the crazy hair
just climbed aboard
the boatswain's thingamajig.
Break this sex fiend's door down.
Right!
Steve?
Steve?
Steve? Steve.
Where'd she go?
Ugh! Oh!
Who?
The moose with the wild hair?
I was chopping down the door
when she ran right by me
into the engine room.
I followed her,
but she must have gotten...
You told me she went out deck.
Well, she was.
Didn't you see her?
She ran right by here.
I'm...
I didn't see anybody.
Did you?
Well, Uncle George,
I just told you I saw...
Now, listen here.
If this is another one
of your fancy tales...
Uncle George...
You open the seacocks
and let the water in!
Me? Uncle George, I don't know
a seacock from a seagull!
Yes, you do!
Lover boy and I showed them to you!
Uncle George, honest!
I wouldn't do this!
Stop gabbing
and get overboard on the double!
We're sinking!
We're sinking?
Look.
Oh!
Where's the rowboat?
Did you sink that too?
I haven't sunk anything!
Shut up and jump!
My rowboat!
Pederson, come back here!
Uncle George, just lean back.
Leave me alone, damn it,
I'm a senior lifeguard!
Well, that Steve really fixed my back.
What a bang he gave me with that door.
You'll feel better once you lie down.
You don't think Steve
would come in here
and knock me off my bed?
No, he wouldn't do that.
We're not gonna spend
our first night here
talking about Steve.
Are we?
You're right.
Let's think about pleasant things.
You didn't forget to pack
my wooden board
for under the mattress, did you?
You didn't.
How could you forget my wooden board?
I don't know.
I had so much to remember,
I just forgot.
It's all right, sweetheart.
I'll sleep on the floor.
Oh.
What happened?
I don't know,
but you'd better get used
to keeping company with a short man.
Oh, here, let me help you.
Oh.
Here. Hang on to the dresser
and I'll straighten...
Where's the dresser?
The dre... Straight ahead
Straight ahead. The dresser.
Straighten... Yeah.
Easy. Easy.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my. Watch it now.
Now, hang on.
Yeah, I'm hanging on.
Oh, would a drink help?
It wouldn't hurt?
Wouldn't hurt.
Right.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, now. One, two...
Sweetheart, don't tell me
when it's coming.
It'll hurt less.
Just do it, right?
Okay.
Ugh.
Did I break anything?
No, no. I'm fine.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Oh.
Just as good as old.
Now, just back me up to my mattress.
Yes.
Straight back.
Yeah.
Straight.
Don't bend me now.
No, I'm not bending you.
Don't let me bend.
No, no.
I think I'm bending.
No, you're not bending.
You're bending me.
I'm not bending you.
Then the room is bending.
No, I'm all right.
That's fine.
There.
There we are.
There we are.
Fine.
Yeah.
Sweetheart, what are you doing?
A good doctor always works close
to her patient.
But, sweetheart, my back.
Hush. I'll charge you
for a house call.
Did you hear that?
Was that the doorbell?
Yeah, that was the doorbell.
I've been expecting it.
Expecting what?
Telegram.
From who?
My boss.
Why would he send you a telegram?
That's the way they fire you today.
He may even sing it.
Oh, boy.
Ben, why must you always
be so pessimistic?
Okay, I'm not getting fired.
I'm being
summoned to the U.N.
You're really anxious
to get your grubby hands
on my money, aren't you?
Next time, hire a professional
to do your dirty work.
What happened?
Steve!
He sunk my yacht.
You sunk... I didn't!
But take it out
of my allowance anyway.
What...?
Operator, who do I call
to get my damn yacht raised?
Steve, breakfast.
Oh, I don't wanna eat.
Ever.
Now, look, Steve.
You gotta come...
Oh, please. I might as well
live in a public restroom
for all the privacy
I have around here.
All right, Steve.
Maybe some other time.
I just thought maybe you'd
like to talk about your car.
Oh, come on, Dad, sit down.
Get comfortable.
Want a pillow?
Oh, yeah.
Good.
Now, you've been saving up
for a car, right?
That's right, for a whole year.
How much you got saved up?
Twelve bucks.
Twelve dollars.
Well, Steve, you're gonna need
at least $300 for a car.
Oh, a lot more than that, Dad.
I mean, these new sports cars
really cost.
What are you talking new?
What new car?
Look, you can't afford a new car.
But, Dad, neither can you,
but you drive one.
I'm too poor to drive an old car.
Besides, every time
I, get behind that wheel
the guy in the bank
is in the back seat.
Yeah, but, Dad,
you just can't get a new car
for $300 today.
Why don't you try?
I'd like one with a motor.
All right, look.
Your mother and I decided last night
that if you get a job,
whatever you make each week,
I'll match it.
Hey, that's great, Dad.
I'll start looking today.
The sooner I connect, the sooner
that green stuff will come in.
A deal?
A deal.
You got it.
Okay.
Now, have breakfast.
Okay.
Hello?
Oh, hold on just a second, please.
Uncle George.
There's a Mr. Dorple
on the phone.
Salvage man.
Where do you buy your clothes?
From the kiddie shop?
Next time I'm fitted,
I'll give the tailor
your measurements.
Where the hell are you?
Now, don't worry,
Mr. Merkimmer.
We'll have that yacht raised
for you in no time.
Now, remember, Steve,
even if they turn you down for the job
always act polite.
Yes, sir.
Just make up your mind
you're gonna get the job, boy,
you'll get it.
Yes, sir.
Some jobs certain people
aren't suited to,
so don't walk in
expecting to be hired off
right like that.
No, sir.
It's all out there
waiting for you, boy,
just reach out and grab it.
Yes, sir.
I gave you a lift to buy some clothes,
not to give my son advice.
Nobody makes it big
by being a defeatist.
Take away your high-priced lawyers
and your shifty accountants,
you'd be in a prison cell
right now. Remember that.
Yes, sir.
If I was in a prison cell,
you can bet your afterdeck,
it'd be the fanciest room they've got.
Remember that.
Yes, sir.
Gee, thanks for the swell advice.
Your after what?
- My afterdeck.
- Your poop deck.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
I'm a very polite fellow
and I was looking for a job.
Sorry, I'm not one of them
bigshot chain stores
who can throw money around.
Oh, but, sir, I'm a good worker.
I'm diligent, kind, trustworthy.
Hi.
Hi.
My name's Priscilla.
Isn't that a gas?
Priscilla Weems.
I'm Steve Pow...
Hey, you're the...
Not really, but I do look
just like her.
Like who?
Jenny.
She used to be the maid in
the house that you're renting.
Well, she's sure a crummy maid
the way she goes around
wrecking antiques.
She's a ghost.
And sinking yachts with the...
What'd you say?
Jenny's a ghost,
and so are Ebenezer and Felicity.
They died in 1898.
My family's related to Jenny.
She never bothered to get married,
but there's a long family tree
that suggests she was very busy.
I guess it was overactive glands.
Anyway, my parents don't like
to mention it too often
because Jenny not being married,
well, that makes them all...
Look, Priscilla,
you're talking to a guy
who is thinking of buying a new car.
So don't give me
any of that ghost goulash.
Well, why don't we discuss it
over a strawberry sundae?
Well, I'm slightly embarrassed
at the moment, wallet-wise.
But as soon as I land a job I'd love...
Well, if you're looking for a job,
drop in at Mother's Bar
down the street.
You mean your mother runs a saloon?
Don't be gauche.
And after you get paid, look me up.
I hold sances for the unbelievers.
A new car. Hmm.
Bye.
Bye.
Sir.
Huh? Yes?
How do I get to Mother's Bar?
Young man,
just because there's no job,
there's no reason to turn to drink.
Sheesh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
All right, drink up, will you fellas?
Raising that yacht's gonna be
a whole day's job.
Soon as we've killed our beers, Fess.
Them beers will die of old age
before these two get off their duffs.
There ain't no ghost, you boob.
Mother, will you make her
shut her yap?
I've had a request for you
to shut your yap.
The Constitution guarantees
freedom of speech.
Anybody thinks different
is welcome to step outside.
Your move.
I know her type.
You hit them once, and you got
a lawsuit on your hands.
Gloria, are you saying
Booper and me are afraid
to go below Twitchell cove?
Don't be so sensitive, Rabbit.
Being yellow is a sign of brains.
Are you gonna make her shut up?
I've heard from that party again
concerning your big mouth.
Ghosts. Ha!
How come Millie Stemhouse went
crazy at the Twitchell place?
Because Millie Stemhouse
was crazy the day she was born.
Not as crazy as she was
after she worked there.
And how come Jeb Hardwick up and
died right on the front step?
Because his horse
up and reared him through him,
that's why.
Yeah?
Well, something made
that lame-lazy old nag
up and rear like a ballerina.
Wasn't nothing human.
Neither are you.
Come on, boys.
There's death lurking in that house,
in the cove and all around it.
Listen, did you all by your ugly self
ever lay eyes on one
of them ghosts face to face,
you lying, soused-up
hunk of know-nothing.
No.
But one of them touched me.
I was cleaning up the kitchen,
that's where they got
that cellar door.
And all of a sudden I feel a chill
like them Eskimos must feel
when they keep the window open.
And then it happened.
I hear this creaky sound.
I look around,
the cellar door is open.
I close it, I go back to cleaning,
here it comes again,
Creak.
I go over to the door,
now there's a cold wind
blowing up from the cellar,
like only the devil's icebox
could make.
I look around, nobody but me.
I start to close the door
and I smell something.
Smoke.
It's a real funny kind of smell.
All of a sudden my bones freeze.
I wanna move,
but my feet ain't listening.
And then I feel something
that's all over me
like a shroud.
I can't breathe, I'm so scared.
I close the door.
Somehow I turn around,
nobody there.
But I know there is.
I turn around again,
that cellar door is open.
Who opened it?
I wonder how many people
have died in that house
that nobody knows about.
Get yourself another boy.
Get two.
What?
Where am I gonna get
somebody the last minute
to go down below?
Hi, anybody know where a fella
can get a job around here?
Come here, son.
I just got that same
cold feeling I had
when that cellar door opened.
What do you mean there's nothing
down there but the anchor?
Get back under and find that yacht.
Yes, sir.
The salvage crew is already working
down below the cove, Uncle George.
Well, where'd you get
the jacket, dear?
Just happened to catch my eye,
so I snapped it up.
You only bought it to show off
because I offered to pay for it.
They overcharged him.
Look, if I wanna buy a jacket
and spend money,
that's my business.
He's loaded with hostility.
You let me buy you
those trousers, didn't you?
Only because you split
the seams on my others.
All that high living
has gone to your afterdeck.
It's not there, sir.
Yeah, I know.
You already told me that
it's not there.
I don't mean the yacht,
I mean the anchor.
The anchor's not there.
Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me that the anchor
you just saw down there a minute ago,
it's not there anymore?
That's right.
Look, kid.
I got a surprise for you.
All the anchors I know
don't know how to swim.
Now, get back down there,
find that yacht and be quick about it.
Yes, Dad. Uh, sir.
What's the matter?
You still mad
because they won't let you
split my skull with your ax?
You must have a lot of kids.
No.
So far we've only been blessed
with one.
Hope you got a good
photograph of the boy
because he ain't gonna look the same
after they drag this cove for him.
You mean Steve?
My son?
My son Steve is...
Steve! Steve!
Steve.
Steve, you all right?
How could they let a little boy
do such a dangerous thing?
Steve, I've known you to do
some stupid things in your life,
but, boy, your really topped
yourself this time.
Dad, you told me to get a job
and that's what I did.
I got a job.
Yeah.
Get yourself another moron.
Well, who's gonna do it?
You!
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Give me a hand.
Give me a hand!
You had to take a job, huh?
I'm sorry.
Where do you sit on this boat?
Just sit down.
Get back there.
You're on the wrong side.
Get in the back.
Fess is down there
with no oxygen tank.
Oh, old Fess can handle himself okay.
Dad, look, when I asked
for a job, I was polite.
Just like you said.
Don't talk to me
for the rest of the summer.
Dad.
I said don't talk to me.
Yes, sir. I just thought
you'd like to know
the rowboat is leaking.
Start bailing.
Put your finger in it.
Something.
Welcome home, Fess.
I was down there and it was freezing.
And here comes that anchoress
swimming towards me.
All by itself.
All by itself?
I'm going to Boston
and buy another yacht.
The insurance company can worry
about that one.
Who owns the truck?
It's mine.
Here, help me up.
You can have it for $2000,
and I'll throw in the rest
of my business
for another 6.
I'll give you 3
for the whole caboodle.
Three? I'll take it.
Say, Uncle George,
can I go to Boston with you?
I'd love...
You're going straight to your room.
And no detours.
Ben.
Oh, it's okay.
Well, you see, sweetheart,
a cheap jacket,
the water would run right off.
But this?
This holds the water good.
See?
This will never dry out.
Now, do you believe me?
I can prove there are ghosts.
Meet me at the cemetery tonight.
Priscilla there are no ghosts...
Chicken.
You're on.
Okay.
Now be in the cemetery tonight...
I know, 12 midnight.
That's only in books.
See you at 8.
After the ghosts have had dinner.
Hi.
Hi.
Did I scare you?
Oh, of course not.
Well, I'm here.
Make with the ghosts?
Well, you've gotta stand
behind their graves.
Oh, now, come on.
I mean, shouldn't a coyote
be howling or something?
Who's he?
Miles Thorpe.
Oh, what's he doing here?
His parents think he's in bed.
I'm his babysitter.
I suppose you see ghosts too, huh?
All the time.
When Mommy and Daddy come back
from the movies
and come in to see
if I'm sleeping okay,
I tell them
about going to the cemetery
and seeing all the ghosts
and everything.
Sure you do.
He does.
They just don't believe him.
Parents never believe little boys.
Okay, Miles, dear, I'm ready.
Gotta get behind the grave.
This is for you.
Thank you.
And this is for you.
And this is for me.
Felicity loves Ebenezer.
Throw a daisy.
Ebenezer loves Jenny.
Love is for two.
Three is too many.
Come out of your graves
and into the night.
Come to our sance.
and tell us your plight.
Jenny, are you there?
Well, if she is, then leave a message
with her answering service.
Hey, what's the...?
Shh.
Jenny.
Jenny, Steve Powell is with us and...
Jenny's got her eye on you.
Oh.
Oh, hello, Felicity, how are you?
Oh, well that's ve...
Jenny, would you...?
Please do not interrupt.
It's Felicity's turn.
Steve's not even 16 yet.
Sorry, Felicity, go on.
I see.
Well, hold on, I'll ask him.
Felicity says that if you buy
some of the things she wants,
she'll lay off.
What sort of things?
Felicity, speak slowly.
Silk hose, size 10 and a half.
A new sheer night gown
with flowers on it.
Bright red Tujour lipstick.
Ooh La La perfume number 3.
Kiss Me Quick nail polish.
And high-gloss lacquer deodorant spray
with a five-day guarantee.
Thank you, Felicity.
Good night.
Now, all you have to do...
Oh, I get it.
It's the old badger game.
Adios, strange one.
No fool like a young one.
Oh, go fly a broom.
If Felicity heard you,
you'll really get it now.
You.
You're one of the...
And Priscilla told me
you were a ghost.
Well, you sure don't look...
Sweetheart, that's a first.
What is?
We sent Steve to his room
after dinner,
we haven't heard a peep out
of him since.
Well, to our new Steve.
To our new Steve.
That must be Uncle George
with his new yacht.
He seems eager to come to shore.
Well, he can't wait to brag to me
how he made
the insurance company crawl.
Now, Ben, you mustn't
resent Uncle George.
He tries very hard.
To Uncle George.
Oh, okay, so you're a ghost.
I believe. I believe.
Knock it off, will you?
I'm a friend of Miles!
Why don't you hang out
at the graveyard
where you belong?
Guess what happened
to my brand-new yacht?
You don't mean it...
And the undertow capsized my rowboat.
Gee, that's too bad.
You'll probably get a new rowboat
with tomorrow's yacht.
Help!
What the hell is that?
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
You better tell us or...
Ben, let him talk.
I'm gonna tell you exactly
what happened
to Uncle George's yacht.
Two yachts.
We're waiting.
Yes, sir, I know just
who wrecked the yachts
and this furniture and the house
and who knows what
they're gonna do next.
Well, tell us. Who is...?
Let the boy talk.
He said he's gonna tell the truth.
That's right, Steve.
Tell the truth.
The truth is always the best way.
All right. Now who
is responsible for all this?
Ghosts.
Ghosts?
There was a lady ghost here
a minute ago.
A lady ghost?
They come in all sizes.
All kinds of sizes, ladies.
Real bodies.
Real bodies.
Ectoplasm.
Ectoplasm.
With puffs of smoke.
Puffs of smoke.
Ever been any insanity in your family?
Why, look...
You think maybe... No, no, no.
Pardon me?
Yes?
I wonder if you have
any books from the...
Oh. Yes, yes, of course.
Ghosts up your chimney?
Poltergeist. That's German.
It means noisy ghost.
Well, how did you know
what kind of books I'm...?
You're Mr. Powell, aren't you?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, most people usually
come here a few minutes
after they've arrived
at Twitchell house, and a...
So I like to keep the stack ready.
Of course some people
just get into their car
and it'sarrivederci.
Yeah.
Have they done much damage yet?
Who?
The ghosts.
Look, Miss...
Weems. Carol Weems.
I'm unmarried.
Well, congratulations.
I mean...
You're an attractive man,
and with Jenny so eager
and Felicity so deprived,
well, ghost or not,
they're still female.
If you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
I mean, I do know what you mean,
but I don't believe in ghosts.
Men walk around in space
with plastic umbilical cords
in their navels.
What's a ghost compared to that?
Look, miss, there's a big difference
between a ghost and a man
with a plastic navel.
Don't be afraid to believe
in ghosts, Mr. Powell.
I'm not afraid to believe in anything.
I didn't intend to put you
on the defensive.
If you just take these books
and go over to one
of those tables over there
and just glance through them.
Thank you.
And when you're finished with those,
I'll give you another batch.
You mean there's more?
Thank you.
Ghosts up your chimney?
Mr. Powell,
isn't Steve with you?
Huh?
It's my older sister, Carol.
She'll probably wind up
marrying an encyclopedia.
I expected Steve to be with you.
Well, he promised to be with me, yes.
Okay, bye.
Hi. I was waiting for you.
Oh? How come?
Felicity told me
that you and your father
were driving to the library.
She's got a big mouth.
Yeah. Well, Dad agreed
to read up on ghosts
but frankly, I don't think it'll help.
My parents never accept
anything that I say.
I know. But they're all the
same. What can we do with them?
We're stuck with them.
Yeah.
Priscilla, how do I get
my folks to believe?
I don't know,
but they better latch on soon
or something might happen.
You mean they're in danger?
Jenny drowned Captain Pederson.
I think she liked him.
But what have the ghosts got
against my father and mother?
Ghosts are only dead people.
A psychopath is a psychopath,
in or out of the coffin.
I certainly don't want anything
to happen to my parents.
Spooks, poltergeists.
Flying objects?
Because it's 6
I'll have the other books
ready for you when you return.
Well, I'm not about...
I've converted others.
Well, I'm afraid...
All you need is an open mind.
The right frame of mind
is so important for so many things.
Don't you agree?
Steve?
Mother, I'll have a dietetic anything.
Beer.
Beat it, kid.
Kid? Anybody who sees ghosts
is no longer a kid.
You've seen them, I can tell.
You're aging right before my eyes.
Give him his beer, Mother.
He's an old man.
Look, I can get into trouble if...
If your kids saw ghosts,
wouldn't you help them out,
you big slob?
For the legal record,
how old are you, sir?
Forty-two.
If your folks could see a ghost,
then they'd know they're in danger
and they'd get out.
Would Felicity come
to a party at my house
if I invited her?
Only if there are men
of the sea there.
She's got this thing about sailors
because of Ebenezer.
Well, that's it then.
I'll have my folks throw
a surprise masquerade party
for my birthday.
Real heavy on the sea costumes.
Brilliant.
And it would be very diplomatic
if I could tell Felicity
that you're going to buy her
all those little items
that she asked for.
It's a deal.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm making a citizen's arrest
right here.
But he said he was 42.
He said he's 42?
I'm his father.
I'm not 42.
Well, I've got witnesses.
Gotta go, Priscilla.
You bet you've gotta go.
Come on.
Serving a minor.
I didn't mean to frighten you.
This silly ghost talk of Steve's
has me right on the edge.
I just wanted to know if I could
call a long distance to Boston.
Oh, of course you may, my dear.
Mom. Hey, Mom.
Mom, you're throwing me
a surprise masquerade party
for my birthday.
And I want everybody
to wear sailor outfits.
I mean, real Treasure Island
stuff, okay?
Well, if that's what you want, Steve.
And invite all of your friends
from New York.
Especially bachelors.
Oh, you mean bachelors your age?
No, no, no.
I mean real bachelors.
Guys with that look
in their eyes, you know.
But Steve, I...
Kate, what's the difference?
The main thing is Steve's gonna start
to cooperate with us,
and we can start enjoying
our summer, right?
Right. I'll be back
in a few minutes.
Oh, but lunch is almost ready.
Oh, no, no.
I've gotta go
pick some daisies. Bye.
Pick some daisies?
Masquerade party?
Isn't he acting strangely?
With him, how can you tell?
Well, did you learn anything
at the library?
Yeah.
I learned one thing.
There ain't no such thing as ghosts.
Oh.
And from now on, no more cooking in.
From now on, we're eating out.
Well, it's nice to see you
in such a good mood.
How about I mix us a couple of drinks?
Mm-hm.
Hey, got a great idea.
Let's invite my boss to the party.
I'll let him fire me face-to-face.
Then I'll shove him off the cliff.
Yeah? You insurance boys
are all the same.
You like to pull it in,
but you hate to shell out.
Yeah, I know about that.
That Steve's a changed boy.
Now don't tell me.
I'm telling you.
And if you come to the party,
Felicity dear,
Steve will buy you
those feminine items
that you wanted.
Gift wrapped.
Don't give me any
of that bourgeois, sonny.
You pay somebody's claim
then you turn around
and raise somebody else's rates.
So two yachts sank in two days.
Is it my fault that the ship builders
are building boats
out of soda crackers today?
Kate, were you in the living room?
When?
Never mind.
I have to go back into town.
Well, what about lunch?
I forgot something.
You threatening me, sonny?
I'll buy your whole company and...
Yeah, the same to you, sonny.
Yeah?
And so is your old man.
And earrings that sparkle.
And five-day deodorant.
I think I'll buy me
an insurance company.
Those guys got it made.
Lunch will be ready in just a minute.
Well, just holler.
I'm going out to my truck
to get that guarantee
for yesterday's yacht.
Kate!
Fill her up, Mother.
Have one yourself.
You need it.
I told you about
the Twitchell house, didn't I?
There will never be peace
in that house
until Felicity finds a man.
Thus freeing Jenny and Ebenezer.
Don't fight it, Ben.
Accept the inevitable.
I hope these local quacks
went to regular medical school.
And just didn't phone in
for some cockamamy certificate.
What I can't figure out
is where that tunnel leads to.
Probably the cove.
Well, where did all that
colored smoke come from?
Sunshine playing tricks
with the dust down there.
And the lights went out
because the wiring in that museum
is as antiquated as privies.
All right. How did the door
close by itself?
Drafty cellar.
Kate, one thing I've learned in life:
Everything has an answer.
And if it hasn't, you can buy one.
I suppose.
But what about the knife?
Yes.
You dig deep enough,
you find reasons for everything.
Adultery? What makes you say
a thing like adultery?
Well, you see, a long time ago,
this Felicity dame...
I mean, she was a real dog, you know.
Well, anyway, on her honeymoon,
this Ebenezer cat went...
Now, Steve. I called you in here
for a very important talk.
You know, man-to-man stuff.
Yeah, but gee, Dad, we learned
all about that stuff in school,
so you don't have to bother... Steve.
Look, let's pretend
like I'm not your father.
Say, I'm a complete stranger.
Somebody that you listen to.
That's called sarcasm, isn't it, Dad?
That's right.
That's sarcasm.
Now, I think I saw something
in that mirror today.
Dad, you believe!
I said I think.
Now, I don't wanna say anything
about this to your mother
because I don't wanna frighten her.
We won't tell her about
my inviting the ghosts.
Good, don't tell her
about inviting any g...
What did you say?
Well, gee, Dad. I invited
this frustrated virgin ghost
Felicity to the party
so you could see her.
Steve, how do you invite
a ghost anywhere?
Well, you see, Priscilla
tunes them in at the graves.
And then throw daisies all around.
Then she chants and we all...
Steve, never mind.
You just point out this Felicity,
this virgin ghost,
you point her out to me at the party.
And if I see her, I promise you
we'll leave here
quicker than my boss could fire me.
Groovy.
You didn't hear what I said.
Fire me. Never mind.
Here, let me help you.
You'll be all right.
- What happened?
- Are you okay, Mom?
Yes, I'm all right, dear.
I just bumped my head.
She fell in the cellar.
Did you take her to a doctor?
Well, somebody had to.
I'm sorry
I couldn't be there
to help you, sweetheart.
Oh, that's all right.
You were probably busy in town.
Tonight we'll find
the best restaurant.
I don't feel like
going out tonight, thank you.
Kate. I'm really worried
about your head.
I think my head
is just beginning to clear.
Is anything wrong?
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Carol.
Priscilla told me
that your son invited Felicity
to his party.
Yes, and I'd like that
to be our little secret.
And that discussion at Mother's
helped me
make up my mind
about quite a few things.
Oh, and I'd feel better
if you'd come to the party.
I think that's very wise
because I know what
Felicity looks like
and I can point her out to you.
Oh, you understand that my wife
is to know nothing about this?
Thank you. Bye.
Kate? Kate.
I'm resting.
That's a good idea.
Do you have anything to read?
I could always run back
to the library?
That won't be necessary.
High-gloss lacquer deodorant spray?
It has a five-day guarantee, right?
It certainly does.
It takes five days
and a pint of turpentine
to scrape it off.
We haven't carried it for years.
Oh.
I'm told it was an immediate failure
until the farmers started buying it
to spray livestock.
Well, I'll have that nifty-looking one
over there instead, okay?
Oh, and some bright red
Tujour lipstick,
Ooh La La perfume number 3
and Kiss Me Quick nail polish.
Those items are so ancient,
I didn't think anyone
under 90 remembered them.
Who are they for?
Well, you might say they're
for an old-fashioned girl.
He bought all that?
Yeah, yeah,
it's all right to charge it.
Is this sheer enough?
Is this the sexiest number you've got?
Just a moment please.
I think I better have
one of our younger
salespeople help you.
Operator, I wanna speak
person to person
to the psychologist
at E-Z Flush Incorporated
in Dubuque.
No, I don't know his name.
Just ask for the house headshrinker.
Hmm.
All right, Mr. Himer.
You won't be needing that
that any longer.
There we are.
Uh-huh.
Mr. Himer,
when you were a child,
you used to carry a blanket
with you around the house.
You didn't?
Mm-hm.
Well, did you ever, uh...?
I'll be right back.
Hmm. Right.
Dr. Frieden speaking.
May I please call you back?
Mr. Merkimmer
who owns the, uh...?
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Please put him on.
Mr. Merkimmer.
I never had the pleasure of...
Shut up and listen.
Ah-ha.
What would you make of a boy
going on 16
that buys lipstick and nail polish
and perfume and night gowns?
Well, sir, is he buying
these feminine items
for a young lady or for himself?
Just between you and me,
that's what I wanna find out.
Any particular shade of nail polish?
Don't look too surprised.
There are about seven of us so far.
I'm Mr. Frieden.
Oh.
Mr. Merkimmer invited me.
Well, any friend of Uncle George is...
I know.
Is a friend of yours.
Not necessarily.
Come on in.
Right. Thanks.
Uncle George, your friend.
How do you do?
Mr. Frieden from Dubuque.
Oh, hello, Leon.
How are you?
My name isn't Leon.
Shut up.
That's the boy over there.
Ah-ha.
Don't let him know who you are
or you can forget about
your old-age pension, Leon.
Uh-huh.
Steve, did you see anything?
No, no, not yet, Dad.
Look, when I point out Felicity
to you, don't get scared,
because, you know, she's just an...
Oh, Mr. Frieden.
This is Steve, the birthday boy.
How do you do?
Steve.
Mr. Frieden is a friend
of Uncle George.
Oh.
I... You have to excuse me now.
I want to see
what's keeping your mother.
Oh, yeah. Ahem.
Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I didn't
bring you a present.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Who wants presents
on their birthday, anyway?
Steve, I intend to send you a gift.
Are you partial
to anything in particular?
Well, like what?
Well, what sort of thing
appeal to you?
Footballs?
Yeah.
Basketballs?
Perfume?
Nail polish?
Boy, I didn't know Uncle George
knew any guys like you.
Kate, you look absolutely beautiful.
So do you.
Kate, is there anything wrong?
I mean, you've been so...
Excuse me.
Carol. Come on in.
Gosh, you're dressed...
Just like my wife.
She took a nasty fall recently.
But come on in and keep an eye
out for you-know-what.
Jenny, will you give back my hat?
I'll get it.
Well, you sure do look
swell, Priscilla.
Well, come on, I've gotta
show you the presents site
I got for Felicity.
Well, I just hope Felicity
likes all this stuff.
Here's the deodorant.
It's not what she wanted,
but it's pretty good.
Stockings, more stockings,
perfume, lipstick, um...
Here's the negli... Negli...
Priscilla.
No, no, Priscilla.
Look, you know,
I'm 16 today, Priscilla.
And you're just not fooling around
with a kid or anything, you know?
Priscilla.
Priscilla.
Priscilla, you shouldn't.
Priscilla.
Priscilla. No.
Priscilla.
Priscilla.
Have you seen any ghosts yet?
Keep looking.
Have you seen Leon?
It's hard to recognize
us pirates without a nametag.
You wanna see Leon?
Yup.
Uncle George wants to see you, Leon.
Hey, Leon.
My name isn't Leon.
It's...
Oh. Oh, Leon. Yeah.
That's right.
Yes, Leon.
Thank you, thank you.
Ah.
I understand you wanted to see me.
Is the boy gonna grow up
to be a marine or a whack?
Well, I haven't had
enough time to determine.
Listen here, sonny.
I flew you clear across
the country to do a job.
Not to live it up.
Yes, sir. Yes, uh...
Yeah. Thanks, yes, sir.
Pardon me, could you tell me
where young Steve is?
Happy birthday.
Hey, for me?
Thanks, Miles.
Why don't you get yourself
some junk to eat?
Okay.
Well, how did you change
your costume so quickly?
You know, in my room,
you were wearing the blue with...
You weren't in my room?
You...?
Well, then you and me, we...?
We didn't...?
Oh.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
What's on your mind, sailor?
She's a ghost.
Aren't you?
Kids. You never know
what they're gonna say next.
Well, she is a ghost.
Keep your eye on her.
Dad.
Felicity's here.
Felicity?
Where? Where?
Well, she's talking to Uncle George.
That's Mary Ambrosh,
the hairdresser's wife.
Felicity just went through
the front door.
Can I speak to your father
a minute, please?
Look, you stay away from my father.
Excuse me.
May I talk to you
man to man for a minute?
I just had the strangest experience.
There was this girl.
Very attractive, blond type.
And we were behind the tree.
One minute she was there,
and then suddenly...
Kate, it's a lovely birthday party.
You seem to be having a good time.
Oh, come on.
I have to speak to you.
Leon, not now.
Keep Steve handy.
I have a little present for him.
I hope it's money.
You wouldn't have said that
if you were sober.
It's up in my room.
You know what your Uncle George
has been up to?
Tell her, Leon.
Mr. Merkimmer...
Never mind.
Where is he?
He's "upshtairs."
And I know
I said "shtairs."
Shtairs.
Oh, Carol, honey.
Have you read any good
dirty books lately?
Okay.
Take it easy.
I'll get you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, you...
Okay.
What happened?
I'm changing my will tomorrow.
You think I had anything
to do with this?
You mean to tell me
you didn't sneak up
and grab me from behind?
I strung you up
and then I pulled you down?
Who knows what a sick mind
is capable of doing?
Why don't you ask
your Dr. Leon?
Yeah, that boy of yours.
Look, my wife and I will decide
if Steve needs anything.
He's got more problems than you think.
You're the one with the problems.
Just because you're the head
of E-Z Flush
doesn't make you
the head of my family.
I warned Kate not to marry a loser.
What do you know about marriage,
you walking safety-deposit box?
You know so much about marriage,
why don't you get married yourself?
Well, because I...
Because you're afraid
they were after your piggy bank,
not your sweet disposition.
Hmm.
Hey, I think maybe we didn't
throw enough daisies?
Hi.
How are things in ghost land?
Gee, I hope you like
the presents, ma'am.
That deodorant goop
isn't exactly what you wanted,
but it's still pretty powerful.
Why are you in such a hurry?
Wouldn't you like to stay
and listen to some records?
Go get my father, quick.
I wish you'd stay.
My parents are dying to meet you.
Mr. Powell, quick.
Felicity is in Steve's bedroom.
Tell your sister
I wanna see her right away.
Okay.
Uh, see you later, sweetheart.
Mrs. Powell...
Oh, Carol.
Carol dear.
My husband wants you, you librarian.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
No, you've gotta wait
for my dad to see you.
No, please, wait!
- Steve?
- Don't come down, Mom!
- Steve?
- Look out, Ma.
She's got a cleaver!
Steve.
Kate.
Kate, you all right?
Dad, she's getting away!
My son talks to empty cellars.
And he throws meat cleavers
at his mother.
Sweetheart, believe me,
you're taking all this too seriously.
Believe me... Dad, will you please?
Making out at a time like this?
You and that sexy bookworm.
Playing right...
What playing? There was nothing
between us.
That was all that ghost business.
Believe me.
Sweetheart, I love only you.
I love you.
Don't you understand that?
All you had to do was look.
I know you wouldn't see her.
I just knew it.
Making out on the stairs.
Making out.
Lovely evening for shopping?
May I?
Would you care to come for a walk?
Ah, that's right, honey.
I don't have a penny to my name.
But all the same...
Mr. Merkimmer,
you just fell!
You're standing on nothing.
Ah!
How did you like the party?
Everybody stayed late.
Mmm.
Hey, have you seen
Uncle George anywhere?
No.
I said some
pretty rough things to him.
You know, I think we'd all be happier
if we left this house tonight.
Mmm.
I think it would be better
if we left in the morning.
Wouldn't hurt.
Wouldn't hurt.
Hey, that's Uncle George's truck.
Uncle George! Uncle George!
Gee, he left in a hurry.
Steve, um, we were thinking
maybe you'd like to drive
part of the way home?
But I haven't taken
my driver's test yet.
Well, you've been telling us
you know how to drive.
Why should you take my word
for it all of a sudden?
You never believe anything I say.
Your mother and I,
we've had a lot
on our minds lately and...
Well, you're 16 now.
Practically a man.
I am sorry I yelled at you.
Steve, there's so much noise
in the world today
sometimes a fella has to yell.
Just to be heard.
Well, my boss didn't show up
at the party.
So if he fires me, I think I'll quit.
There are other jobs.
Yeah.
What would we do if Mom
inherited a barrel of dollars
from Uncle George?
You mean if he isn't changing
his will at this minute?
I think the first thing we'd do
is buy you a car, Steve.
And then we'd take a trip to Europe.
Hey, we could go to Ireland.
They're loaded with ghosts, you know.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, keep your eye on the road!
Oh. Sorry, Dad.
I really am.
Uh, I didn't mean
to raise my voice, Steve.
Forget it.