The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) Movie Script

Three euro.
Two. I'll give it for two.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Audrey Stockman
This little lady over here
This funny, gorgeous
Funny, wonderful lady
over here
It's Audrey
It's your birthday
and you're 30 today
I love you
Happy birthday
Morgan, you're such
a fucking freak. I love you.
- I love you.
- Where'd you steal that microphone from?
Audrey, you know me. You know
that I own microphones.
Fuck me! Tess is here.
- Oh, my God!
- The audacity.
- Morgan...
- The sheer hubris
to show up here
at your birthday.
- Morgan...
- There was a minimum
number of people
in order to reserve the bar.
- Morgan...
- I'm so sorry. Oh, my God!
I didn't think she would come.
Oh, she's ordering
a custom cocktail.
I'm gonna kill myself.
What do I say? Huh? Like,
"My boyfriend dumped me
in a text message."
- How do I explain that?
- I know.
There's a simple solution.
It's called lying.
No. I'm a really bad liar.
I know, 'cause you ramble.
You give too many details.
And then people know
that you're lying.
You have to be concise
about it.
Here, ask me
what I've been up to lately.
- Um, what have you been up to?
- I bought a boat. And we're out.
Oh, my God. She's coming over here.
I'm with you.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
Hey, ladies!
- I can't do this.
- Oh, you're fucking dead to me!
Happy birthday!
Hey, girl!
Where's your
adorable boyfriend?
You know, you guys make
such a surprising couple.
Like, if I didn't meet him
as your boyfriend,
I would assume he'd be dating
someone more...
Like, edgy. Like a cool girl.
Like a model.
But then
I see you two together,
and it's like,
"Aw, this works too."
Where is he?
So I can hug him.
Oh, God. Oh, come on.
This is crazy because
you're from the Ukraine...
...and I just auditioned
to be a Ukrainian farm girl
in a GEICO ad.
- And?
- They told me
I was too authentic.
Is it Ukraine or the Ukraine?
Well, it depends.
You say how you like,
you know?
Always let beautiful,
sexy woman decide.
That's what this is?
- You know...
- All right.
You have face like doll.
Mmm. Okay.
Such a small, narrow waist.
It's tiny.
You know,
I was gonna drive home,
but now I think I might
just drive into a wall.
Hit me.
Wait, I can use this.
Come here.
- Audrey.
- Yeah?
This is Viktor. He's a
visitor from Eastern Europe.
He has something that
he wants to say to you.
- I do?
- Yeah, yeah.
This is my best friend.
She's having a bad night.
Can you just use
your aggressive masculinity
for good instead of for evil?
Just tell her
what you told me before.
What are you doing?
You have doll face.
No, make it specific to her.
Like really
objectify her.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay, cool. Uh...
You have big baby eyes.
- Mmm.
- And, phew, soft...
- Supple udders. Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God! What the fuck?
- Wow!
Thank you so much, Viktor.
- You've done good work.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, bye-bye.
I fucking hate you.
Oh, come on! You're smiling.
Hey, Audrey.
Where's Drew?
He drowned.
Ugh. Do you see?
This has been all night long.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- You have to move on.
- Yes, I know.
It's just really hard
to do that
when he left a box of his shit
in our apartment,
and he won't even text me back
about picking it up.
I know.
- Oh, can I see your phone?
- Yeah.
I just have to
Google something.
Who are you texting?
Morgan, let me see my phone.
- I'm texting Drew.
- Oh, my God!
I said, "Fuck you,
you worthless nutsack.
"I'm setting your shit
on fire."
Oh, my God, no!
Why the fuck
would you write that?
'Cause we're gonna
set his shit on fire.
Really, Drew?
Skid marks
on your underwear?
What are you, eight?
Did he want me to wash them?
Is that why
he broke up with me?
'Cause I didn't
mother him enough?
Fuck you. Wipe your own ass.
Okay. Oh, what's this?
This is actually
a handwritten list
of his favorite breakfast
burrito places in Los Angeles.
- Stop! He made notes.
- Yep.
"Great egg to tortilla ratio."
Fuckin' idiot.
- Burn the fire.
- Burn!
Oh, my God! His trophy.
Second place trophy,
fantasy football.
And he saved it.
No! It's not
even real football.
It's a fucking fantasy!
Oh, wait.
Oh, my God. It's Drew.
- Hello?
- Hey.
Really? That's it? "Hey"?
Are your ears burning?
'Cause your shit is.
I'm sorry. I fucked up, okay?
Hold on. What?
What do you mean,
you fucked up? Which part?
I'm gonna come over tomorrow,
and I'm going to
explain everything, okay?
Please don't do anything
with my stuff.
I'll be back tomorrow.
- Oh! I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
Happy birthday.
- Yep.
- The... Yeah.
- Uh, it's not my birthday.
- Oh.
I just kinda wear it
for warmth.
Well, if it was your birthday,
I would say, um...
"Happy birthday."
Well, I'd probably say,
"Thank you."
You're welcome.
I got a quarter left.
Your mission, should you
choose to accept it,
is to find the absolute
worst song on the jukebox.
One gum, please.
Have a great day.
Aren't you gonna ask me
if I need help to my car?
So, um...
Where are you from?
That's what I thought.
Yeah, but sometimes
when I think that
people end up
being Australian.
Ah. People do sometimes end up
being Australian.
Shut up!
Oh, God! I don't
actually mean "shut up."
It's a figure of speech.
I don't know
if you do that in England.
What? Figures of speech?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. We invented that.
You know, some...
Some might say that I'm not
exercising good judgment
following a strange man
This is how
people get shoved
in the back
of sketchy vans, right?
That makes this
rather awkward.
Get in the van.
Oh, my God! Okay, what is happening?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I in trouble?
Listen, we just wanna talk
about Drew Thayer.
- He's your boyfriend, right?
- No.
I mean, yes. Well, he was my
boyfriend, but we broke up.
Why? Is he in trouble?
Yes. Drew is
in a lot of trouble.
That's why you're in a van.
Do you know where
your ex-boyfriend worked,
Miss Stockman?
Uh, yeah. NPR.
He had a podcast.
It was about, um...
I'm not 100% sure
what it was about,
but like jazz and economics.
Okay, nobody
listened to that podcast.
Not even me,
and I went to Harvard.
Wow. Only took you
two minutes.
Well, I had to give her that
for context, Seb.
That podcast
was Drew's cover job.
Well, Drew never mentioned
having another job.
Listen, Drew was CIA.
I'm sorry. What?
Oh, my God!
You were in Vegas
when we saw Celine Dion?
- Oh, my God!
- Listen, Drew's gone missing.
A lot of innocent people are
gonna die unless we find him.
Has he been in contact
with you?
- Are you sure?
- Mmm-mmm. No.
Oh, unless it was
last Tuesday night,
'cause I dropped
my phone in the tub
and it stopped working
for a little while.
That's... Yep,
that's what happened.
So I went on the Internet,
and I was like,
"How do I fix my phone?"
It said to put it
in a bag of rice,
so I was like,
"I don't have rice."
Okay. You do not
wanna lie to us.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Yes, he called me last night.
Well, I guess he called me back.
I called him, like,
a thousand times.
Just this week, after I
stopped hearing from him.
I called him, like, a normal
amount when we were together.
I'm normal.
Oh, my God.
I love you, Mom.
Morgan, I need to talk to you.
Oh, wait.
Audrey just got home.
- I need to talk to you.
- I need to talk to you.
Viktor is in my room
right now.
I don't know
who the fuck that is.
Viktor, the guy from the bar
last night.
Turns out
I left my driver's license.
He sent me a Facebook message.
And then he sent me
two pictures of his dick.
- Okay. I don't...
- I don't really... I know,
I don't wanna reward
that kind of behavior either,
but I needed
my driver's license back.
I'm not gonna go to the DMV.
I mean, kill me.
Totally. Can we just... I just
need to tell you something.
But I'm using this opportunity
to teach him about feminism.
There he is. Hey.
You remember Audrey
from last night?
Yeah. You know, Audrey,
"There is no limit to what
we women can achieve."
Michelle Obama.
Okay. I take shower.
He's doing very well.
One second.
Mom, did you get the dick pics
that I forwarded you?
- Morgan.
- What?
Audrey thinks it's weird
that we tell
each other everything.
I think it's...
I know.
Of course, it's normal.
Yes! That's what I said.
It looks like an unbaked
crescent roll.
No, I know you like them uncut.
Wait, hold on. My mom wants
to know if you've ever been
- with an uncircumcised guy?
- Oh, my God.
Morgan, I'm begging you.
Get off the fucking phone!
Okay, I love you.
I'll talk to you later.
Get this. Two guys show up
at my work from the CIA.
They wanna talk about Drew.
They said he's a spy.
What do you mean, a spy?
Morgan, I'm serious.
They showed me photos of him
with, like, dead bodies
and, like, weapons and blood.
Wait, wait. What? What?
I know.
I know this sounds batshit crazy,
but just think about it, okay?
There were so many unanswered
questions about that guy.
Like if he went to Vassar,
why does he pronounce it
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Couldn't remember
if you were 3-A or 3-B.
- Hey.
- What?
I'm not great on text.
I'm better on email.
You know that. I'm...
Why does it smell like
lighter fluid?
Because I wasn't kidding
when I told you
I was gonna
set your shit on fire.
Look, listen, I get it.
It's a long story.
There was something
that I had to deal with.
Okay? I just wasn't
in the right headspace.
I know you're a spy.
These guys
showed up at my work,
shoved me into a van,
and showed me
these horrible photos.
- What did you tell 'em?
- What do you mean,
"What did I tell them?"
You're not gonna deny to it?
Or tell me those photos
were photoshopped or anything?
Oh, my God!
You have a fucking gun!
I need you to tell me
exactly what you told them.
Wait, is this why
you broke up with me?
- What's on your forehead?
- What?
You have, like, this little
red dot on your forehead.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!
Go, go, go!
Stay down!
Go! Go!
Stay down!
Stay away from the windows!
Dad, I have to call you back.
What the fuck
is going on?
Wait, you're bleeding.
Some bad people are after me.
The CIA?
And some other people too.
And now they're after you.
- It's exactly why I left you.
- Oh, my God.
I didn't want you in danger.
It's also why I left you this.
- Your trophy?
- Because I trust you.
A lot of innocent people
are gonna die
unless we get this
to where it needs to go, okay?
So what we're gonna do is, we're
gonna leave the apartment.
We're gonna go
to Vienna. Okay?
And we're gonna go
to Cafe Schiele.
We're gonna meet
someone named Verne
at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow.
Wait. Why are you
telling me this
if we're doing this together?
In case I don't make it
outta here alive.
- No, Drew, you're not gonna die.
- Listen to me.
11:00 a.m.
Cafe Schiele. Verne.
- You got it?
- Okay, got it.
And don't trust anybody.
Do svidanya, Drew.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Drew's dead.
Open up!
Fire escape!
Fire escape.
Open up now!
We got a search warrant!
Hallway clear!
Door right.
Check it!
- Are you okay?
- What?
No! Are you?
- No.
- Okay.
So, um,
where are we going?
I don't know.
Where are we gonna be safe?
Pull into that parking lot.
There's a bathroom
in that Pilates Plus.
We are not hiding
in a fucking Pilates Plus.
Where's the police station?
What? No, police.
We're not doing police
'cause I killed someone.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Call the CIA guys.
No! Drew said
that we can't trust anyone,
and he's right,
'cause he's dead!
Probably because
I talked to them.
No, it's 'cause
I let the assassin
into the apartment.
Okay, fair enough.
It's both our faults.
- Shit!
- You gonna get the call?
Audrey, it's Sebastian.
You killed Drew.
I told you
where he was gonna be,
and you fucking killed him!
Sorry, can I ask a question?
Who is this?
That's the asshole
from the CIA.
where are you taking it?
Why would I tell you?
Give us the package.
Trust me.
I don't trust anyone anymore.
You trust me though, right?
Yes, of course, I trust you.
You don't count.
Good. 'Cause this is not
some fake spy friendship
that the Russians
put together.
Dude, shut up. I know.
Okay, Drew said that if
we don't deliver this package,
a lot of people are gonna die.
What if we don't do it
and then there's
a terrorist attack
or something?
Well, what did he say to do?
We have to get it
to a cafe in Vienna.
Austria, Vienna?
- Yes. That's what he said.
- Okay. Well, why don't we do that then?
Do what? Go to Europe
when a bunch of people
are trying to kill us?
Do you wanna die
having never been to Europe?
Or do you wanna go to Europe
and die having been to Europe?
Why are those
my only two options?
Okay. This is a sign.
Our passports
are still in there
from our road trip to Tijuana.
Okay, someone that you love
just died and asked you
to do one last thing.
I think you gotta do it.
I'll go with you.
Okay, fuck it. Let's just...
Let's go to Austria.
Let's go to Austria.
- Why are you turning?
- I have to park.
People are trying to kill us.
We're not fucking
parking in Lot C.
We need a suitcase.
I think it looks suspicious if we
go through international security
with no luggage and just
a weird trophy, right?
Wait. Wouldn't it be
more suspicious
if we go through security
with a suitcase
that's totally empty
except for the weird trophy?
Yes. We need
more trophies then.
That's what we'll do.
We'll be the kind of women
who jet off to Vienna
with all of our awards.
We're notable.
We're recognized.
We have trophies, baby!
"Best Grandson"?
Don't be nervous.
People get caught
when they're not confident.
Hello, are you new?
I usually deal with Cesar.
Shit! We gotta
get rid of our phones.
Bad guys can track us
even if they're off.
Oh, right. I've actually
known that for a long time.
I went to performing arts camp
with Edward Snowden.
Oh, that's right.
You used to date Snowden.
No, no. He tried.
God, he was obsessed with me.
He was really into ska.
When the whole thing
was going down, I was like,
"Why is no one
talking about the fact
"that Edward Snowden
is really into ska?"
- Give me your phone.
- Oh, yeah.
Final call
for boarding Flight 232.
Final call
for boarding Flight 232.
- Mambo No. 5?
- Oh, please.
- What?
- Have you heard mambos
one through four?
They're fantastic.
- Wow!
- Yeah.
That's good.
That's good.
Oh, I got one.
Close your eyes.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
Oh. Um...
No. Uh...
Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident couldn't
come to school but when...
Yeah, that's the worst song.
- You win.
- Right?
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- That's the worst.
- Thank you.
They play this kind of stuff
in Europe all the time.
It's like the whole
continent just said,
"You know what? I love 1994.
Let's just stay here."
I wouldn't know.
I've never been to Europe.
For our special today,
I would recommend
our meat and bread platter
with a hot pot of fondue.
This is really fancy.
We belong here.
Was this a place that Drew
would hang out at?
I mean, Drew. Like...
The same guy that called
7-Eleven sushi Japanese food.
Okay. Who do we
think Verne is?
I don't know.
And won't Verne
be looking for Drew?
- Fuck!
- How's he gonna know it's us?
God damn it!
What do we do?
Oh, no. What's wrong?
What do you see?
Oh, nothing.
It's just that, um,
cake's a lot of flour
and dairy for me. I...
I have to have diarrhea.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Morgan, you should...
You should probably go.
- I can hold it.
- No.
- No. Mmm. You should probably not do that.
- No.
No, this is more important.
No! Oh, my gosh.
It's really not. Please go.
Can I bring you anything else?
Uh, no.
Don't make a noise.
I'm the person
you're here to meet.
I'm sorry.
Um, you're Verne?
It's an alias.
Now, hand the package over.
Wait. None of this
is making any sense.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't say a word.
Oh, my God.
I'm trying to protect you.
Yeah. The same way
you protected Drew?
If you were here
to protect me,
you wouldn't be
pointing a gun at me.
I may not be in the CIA,
but I know that much.
MI6, actually.
Drew was CIA.
It's an international effort.
You're Verne?
Guten Morgen.
Guten Verne.
Would you please stop
pointing that?
It's making me very nervous.
- When I get nervous...
- Sit still and listen.
In a moment, everyone in this
cafe is gonna start shooting.
They all want
what you've got,
and they'll kill
each and every one of us
until they get it.
If you run,
you'll be killed.
If you do manage to get out,
you won't be able
to go anywhere.
If you scan your passport
at the border,
there will be men with guns
bigger than this one
that won't say a word
before they kill you.
And if you do make it
to the airport,
we'll be waiting for you.
So hand the package over,
and no one gets hurt.
Except for Drew.
Okay. It's not productive
to keep bringing that up.
That's not Verne.
The package.
That's not Verne!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
No! Verne, wait!
Holy shit! Run!
Oh, my God! I killed someone!
I killed someone!
- Stop yelling that!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Wait. Shit.
Get in the fucking car!
Get in the car!
That car?
That's not our car!
Sorry! I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry.
Hey! Ah!
Okay, we're set.
- Oh, shit!
- What?
It's a stick. Do you know
how to drive a stick?
- No! No!
- Fuck!
- Which one's the brake?
- I don't know. There are so many.
How do I change
the fucking gear?
How does your car work?
I'm so sorry.
- It's an emergency!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God!
- Oh!
- Okay. It wasn't so bad.
- Get out! Abort! Mission abort!
Sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Hurry! Hurry!
Stop. The cab. Come on.
Hello. Hi, can we go, please?
- Mr. Yang?
- Yeah.
Yeah, my mother
married a Chinese man.
It's a very long,
beautiful story. They met...
We are Yang.
We are Mr. Yang. Yes.
- All right.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
We gotta go.
And we're on the gas.
- So, you guys visiting?
- No, we live here.
I'm an Austrian man
named Mr. Yang. Go.
So, I'm Lukas.
How can I make your ride
- in Vienna excellent today?
- Everything's fine.
Everything's great.
Can you just drive?
Oh, no. Fine is not
good enough for me.
- Okay.
- I want excellent.
Would you like some waters?
Still? Sparkling?
No, water. Fully hydrated.
Would you like
to listen to music?
No. No, no. No music.
Just drive, please.
But I'm not only
a driver, actually.
I'm also a DJ
on Saturday nights.
Oh, get out!
Wow, that's cool.
I don't know
if you guys are still in town
on Saturday, but look.
Hip-hop music.
Jump. Jump.
Jump. Jump.
Huh? Good, huh?
- Shit!
- Oh, my God!
Okay, listen, buddy.
There's a bunch of men
chasing us with guns,
and I need you
to lose them now.
Fuck yeah!
Oh, my God!
They're men. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I smoked so much meth before.
Great! Great!
Fear is an illusion!
High five. Up here.
Oh, fuck!
- Get on top of him.
- Okay.
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
There's one left.
I know. I see him.
Okay, why are you using
the turn signal?
You're literally telling him
where we're going.
Sorry. It's a force of habit.
It's a bad habit.
No! It's a good habit.
In most circumstances,
it is a very good habit!
Oh, my God!
Fuck you!
Eat my shit!
- Oh, my God!
- Okay.
Get in the front.
Yep. Yeah.
Oh, no!
- I can't get my seat belt on!
- Where the fuck is he?
Oh, my God!
He's on the fucking roof!
Oh, no! It's the man! Stop it!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
He's on the top!
He's on the top!
Okay. There she goes.
- Why are you speeding up?
- I got a plan!
- Okay!
- Hold on!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Get the fuck out!
- Okay!
Great job! Five stars, Lukas!
Five stars!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Jesus!
What happened?
We gotta go.
- We gotta go somewhere.
- Oh, God!
There's a train station.
So you're saying you failed?
No, there were some
unforeseen complications,
but I do have the package.
Let's see it.
It appears I don't have it.
So let me get this right.
You didn't get the package.
The girls still have
the package.
And now Highland is likely
to get the package.
I won't
let that happen, ma'am.
I'm glad that this happened.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have
been awarded Best Grandson.
Okay. That's funny.
Ma'am, can you hear us?
Ma'am, did you hear us?
- Ma'am, are you frozen?
- Ma'am, can you hear us?
- She's frozen.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, wave
if you're not frozen, please.
Not frozen.
Just disappointed.
I was just
trying to protect them.
Protect them?
Yeah, let them die.
They're idiots.
- I know an idiot when I see one.
- In the mirror.
Okay. I'm not an idiot,
Sebastian. For the record...
Here we go. You went to
Harvard. Yes, we all know.
I didn't even mention Harvard.
That's the thing.
He was gonna mention Harvard. I was
making this simply about merit,
and, yeah...
Yes. Get in. Okay, look.
I got us two tickets
to Prague.
- I got us a change of clothes.
- Okay, great. We can change
on the train. It leaves in,
like, 10 minutes.
And then we can fly home
from there.
We just need to get
the fuck out of Vienna.
Wait. Can we just take
a second to appreciate you?
- Now? Right now?
- Yes.
What you did in the cafe
with the gun was insane.
You killed a man.
- It's okay. It was a bad man.
- Oh, my God!
I just play
a lot of video games.
- Can we please just...
- No, and then
what you did with the trophies.
You switched the trophies.
He literally works
in intelligence,
and yet, you were
the more intelligent.
How crazy is that?
And then you did all that
car stuff. Oh, my God!
It all just kinda happened really quickly.
Can we please just move on?
Woman, you are incredible,
and I want you to own it.
Listen, I'm owning it.
Can we just go, please?
- Wait! Wait!
- Oh, my God!
No, I'm not gonna
let you minimize this.
- I'm not minimizing!
- But you always do this.
You always do this.
- Oh, my God!
- Have you ever,
in your whole life,
felt so alive?
Attention, the
train to Prague is now boarding.
We're gonna be
a lot less alive
if we don't make it out
to the train. Okay? Please.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look at this.
They're really playing up
that Mozart is from here,
and they're really downplaying
that Hitler is from here.
- Yeah, I would too. Get out.
- Okay.
What track is it?
Um, looks like
track 10 goes to, um...
"Szass... Szabadszallas."
"Nove Hodejovice."
"Usti Nad Labem."
"Parndorf ich Bahnhof.
"Prague." Track six.
Oh, thank God.
- Okay, track six.
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no!
Sebastian said
if we use our passports
we'll get stopped at the border.
What do we do?
Okay. We just have to find
two girls who look like us,
tell them what happened, and
convince them to give us theirs,
and then they could say
that theirs were stolen.
- Who would do that?
- Any girls.
Any girls would do that.
How about them?
They kinda look like us.
No, we don't wanna
be them in Europe.
We wanna be them in Europe.
We go all the way
down there,
and then it ends up
being there.
- Yeah, we do.
- Tight shorts.
Just imagine the only guy
you've ever loved
dying in front of you
and asking you
to do this one thing.
Wouldn't you
sacrifice everything?
Imagine if that was
your best friend of 12 years.
Wouldn't you go to the ends
- of the Earth to protect her?
- Yes.
You guys are weird.
Okay. Actually,
we're not "weed."
We are in danger.
You'd be saving our lives
and the lives
of a lot of innocent people.
Just go to the embassy
and get other passports.
Sorry. We'd love to
help you out, mate,
but we just don't know you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the train to Prague
is now leaving.
You're right. Okay.
You know what?
- Have a great time in Poland.
- It's been beautiful meeting you.
- Go! Get it! Shit!
- Stop it!
- No!
- Stop it!
- I got it!
- Stop! No!
Oi! Give me back my bum bag!
Come on! Get in!
Oh, my God!
Close! Oh, my God!
- Open the door!
- I'm sorry.
Give me back my fucking
bum bag, you bitch!
your address is on it,
so I can mail it back to you
if we survive.
Yes. I understand.
Nadedja, where are you?
Nadedja, you're going to miss
your cue again.
You always do this.
I feel like
my best friend always knew
that she wanted
to be an actress.
- She's just natural at it.
- Mmm.
I'm not a natural at anything.
- I tried law school.
- Oh, smart.
- Then I tried art school.
- That's good.
Big swing there.
I dropped out of both.
I never finish anything.
Well, hey,
you just finished your beer.
Yeah, that I do finish.
So why don't you finish things?
What are you afraid of?
Being average.
Come on. I would not say
that you are average.
How would you know?
You just met me.
I'm a pretty good judge
of character.
You trust me.
Thank you for the dance.
Would you like me
to get you another beer?
- Yeah! That'd be great.
- Sure.
- Can I get two more, please?
- No problem.
Thank you.
Cool, cool, cool. Okay,
so here's my advice, right?
- Who are you?
- Oh, that's my sister.
- Really?
- Not my biological sister,
but my de facto sister.
- Oh.
- Yeah. She wouldn't want you to know this,
but she lost her virginity
really late,
so she's, like, hungry for it.
You know what I mean?
Oh. Cool.
So have fun with that.
But if you hurt her,
- I'll find your best friend...
- Mmm-hmm.
- ...I'll cut off his dick...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and I'll make you eat it.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
You can have whatever
condiments you like,
but you gotta finish it.
What's your name?
- Morgan. How you doing?
- Morgan. Drew.
Morgan, anyone ever tell you
you're a little much?
Why didn't you tell me
that he said that?
You were so into him,
and you can't say shit like
that to your best friend
when your best friend's
in love with somebody.
It didn't hurt my feelings.
Well, a little bit. It hurt
my feelings a little bit.
Morgan. Hey.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I'm sorry he died.
Oh, God.
What do we do
with this thing?
I don't even know
what this thing is
or what it does, or anything.
God, I feel like such an
idiot about all this.
I mean, I met his parents.
They were so normal.
Their names
are Tom and Marsha.
The night
before he disappeared,
we all went
to The Cheesecake Factory.
Oh, my God, that menu.
Dostoevsky wrote that menu.
Who introduces people that
don't matter to their parents?
Well, I do. I introduce
everyone to my parents.
But that's their gain,
'cause my parents are magic.
- Do you think they knew?
- I don't know.
I just wish
that he was still alive,
so I could get some answers.
And then I would tell him
to fucking die.
Open it.
What the fuck is that?
It's a flash drive.
They were killing
each other for this?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
You know who would know
what we should do right now?
- No.
- My father is a brilliant attorney...
- No. Mmm-mmm.
- ...who has represented people
who are in much worse trouble
than we are right now.
No. Your dad would be
furious at us
for breaking a million
international laws.
No. He's not gonna be mad.
He wasn't mad
when I tried cocaine
with my basketball coach.
He wasn't mad at me when
I got deported from Belize.
He didn't get mad when I
invited that teenage magician
to live in my grandma's condo.
Oh, yeah.
What ever happened to him?
You're not gonna believe this.
He disappeared.
Shut up.
No, he actually...
He is a missing person.
- Hello?
- Mom, it's me.
Oh, thank God!
Arnie, she's okay!
- What?
- I'm gonna conference your father in.
- This is Arnie.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, button! Hi!
You're all over the papers.
I'm so proud of you.
I always knew the world
would write about you.
Did you color your hair?
You look like a princess.
Sweetie, let me ask you.
Did you and Audrey
murder two people?
Tell me the truth.
I can get you out of it.
No, what happened was,
I murdered one person,
- but it was an assassin, so...
- Shh!
So it didn't count.
No, it doesn't count.
- And Audrey murdered a bunch of people in Austria.
- Oh, my God!
- But it was self-defense.
- Also fine.
Her boyfriend was murdered
in front of us.
- The handsome one?
- I mean, he was fine, I guess.
Oh, you know who's really
handsome is Patrick Dempsey.
- Where are you now, sweetie?
- I'm in Prague.
I don't care for
Eastern Europe. Too gothic.
Okay, listen. I got
a place where you can hide.
- Okay.
- I got a friend, Roger Bernstein.
Lives in Prague.
Guy owes me a favor.
Dad represented Roger
in a malpractice suit.
Whoa, Carol,
you know who's handsome?
Woody Harrelson.
You know, people don't think it.
I find him handsome.
- She fell over.
- Yeah, I did, actually.
There was one moment
I thought I was gonna die.
Yeah. They've got something
wrong with them.
...disappeared from their LA
apartment, murdered Ukrainian...
Now. Now.
We gotta go.
- Remember the Dingle twins?
- Mom...
We gotta go.
Come on.
Come on. Now!
Who am I looking for?
I texted pictures.
Targets are two dumb
American women.
Oh, my God!
You're lagging.
You're lagging.
Shit. Okay. We need to find
Karlova Street.
Looks like Elephant Valley
is on the left.
We're gonna pass the Pavilion
of Big Tortoises in a second.
Morgan, this is a map
of the zoo.
- Hello?
- Yes, Roger,
it's Arnie's daughter.
He called.
Go. Thank you!
You know, it's funny.
I remember one time,
back in the day,
your dad and I were getting
ready to go out in the Hamptons.
Your dad had
his sunglasses on.
He turned his collar up.
He looked super.
We get to the disco,
the guy says to him,
"Sir, sir,
your collar is up."
Ruined the whole effect.
Hope you don't think
I'm being presumptuous,
but I thought you gals looked
like you'd enjoy some pot
I'm okay. I'm actually...
I'm so sorry. I am a vegan.
Morgan, you're not a vegan.
What? 'Cause of the bacon?
Bacon's meat!
Well, listen. At least let me
get you a little vino, okay?
I mean, the only
animal cruelty involved
in that is what the wine guy
charges me.
I actually like to keep
all the best bottles
over there in the study.
It's like a...
It's sort of like my homage
- to all the great storytellers.
- Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Right now, I'm working my way through a grenache noir
while I enjoy a first edition
of La Comedie humaine.
Are you into Balzac?
Less and less with every
Well, I'll be right back.
- It's happening again.
- What is?
He's into me.
What are you talking about?
He wants a slice. Rog.
No, he's just, you know,
like a little weird.
- Older men, they gravitate toward me.
- Okay.
- They love me.
- Oh, God.
They want this.
If that makes them weird
then my SAT math tutor
was weird,
- our landlord is weird.
- He's weird.
Mandy Patinkin is weird.
- Mmm.
- I feel a little nauseated.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'm okay. You just stay.
I'll be right back.
Love you.
Hi. Audrey okay?
Oh, yeah, she's fine.
She's finished. So am I.
Well, at least
let me give you a digestif.
Ah! It's dry.
So are you a lover of art?
Yeah, yeah, oh, lot of art.
Love art.
And look at that art.
Doesn't look like she's
enjoying herself too much.
the sweetest pleasure comes
when you're not enjoying
Don't know
that I agree with that.
You wouldn't?
Okay. We're doing
a massage now.
Here we go.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Roger, thank you so much
for having us at your home.
- It's my great pleasure.
- But I just... I don't think...
I don't think so.
That actually kind...
That kind of hurts.
Huh. Hello.
Who's this? I'm Morgan.
I'm a family friend. Is this your girlfriend?
Nadedja, no. We have to bring them in alive.
Oh, boy.
Ow. Ow.
- Audrey.
- Oh, my God!
Audrey, Roger is bad. Bad.
No, that's not Roger.
That's Roger.
They want the drive.
You have to swallow it
before they come back.
- What?
- I have thrown up, like, nine times.
- What?
- I can't do it.
Well, I can't
swallow anything.
I can't even swallow Advil.
I have to crush it up
in my applesauce.
No. You gotta swallow this.
No, I... Oh!
Fine. Okay.
If you really want me to.
Oh, my God,
you're heavy.
- Shut the fuck up, bitch.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Ah!
- Ah!
- Ah.
- Close your nose.
Shit! Shit!
Let's try it
one more time.
Ah. Ooh. Ah!
No, keep it in.
I can't.
I can't do it.
I tried.
There's the ice cream lady.
Are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, God. I don't...
I don't know.
- Where the fuck are we?
- I don't know.
how are you feelin'?
Marsha, Tom. Those are...
Those are Drew's parents.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry that
you got dragged into this.
I never meant for Drew to die.
We know you didn't, Audrey.
We're just glad
you're alive.
Will you untie us before they come
back and tie you up too? Please.
So where's the drive?
You know about that?
Shut up, you dumb bitch.
Fuck you!
You wanna tell your friend
to answer the question?
Trust me, your son would've
wanted you to protect us.
I don't think those
are Drew's parents.
- Of course, they are.
- No.
We went out
to The Cheesecake Factory.
We shared
chicken lettuce cups.
We were at that restaurant to
negotiate the sale of the drive.
But we talked
about real things.
We talked about
Tom's colonoscopy.
Not getting
a colonoscopy.
He only took you to the
restaurant as insurance,
so we wouldn't kill him
if he left with the drive.
Okay, let's get this done.
Where is the fucking drive?
No. No.
Please, sir.
Sir, please don't.
That's my best friend.
Please, just...
I flushed it down the toilet.
Do you know
what you've done?
Oh, good God.
What is that?
Five kilometers out.
Closing in on the safe house.
Backup units, be advised,
subjects heavily armed.
Wow! You're so pretty.
You're barely human,
you're so pretty.
And look how flexible
you are.
Morgan, shut up.
No, everybody
likes compliments.
She's definitely
not loving this, Morgan.
She loves it. It's working.
You just... You are so...
You're so bad.
Oh! Hey! Hey, are you hungry?
I'm hungry.
You wanna get outta here
and get a bite to eat?
I like you.
Oh, my God!
Shit! They got the drive.
All right, kids, on my count,
send the grenades in.
- Let's blow this motherfucker up.
- Wait! The girls could still be in there.
Yeah, and if they are,
they're either surrounded
by terrorists or dead.
- Also, I don't care.
- Just give me five minutes
and three agents.
I need to check.
Oh, so four agents can die?
You know this is
my operation, right?
So just sit tight,
and let's crush this mother
the way we crushed Yale at
football nine years in a row.
And by "we," I mean Harvard.
Let's blow 'em up.
- Roger that.
- Watch the show.
Actually, guys, hold up.
Abort mission.
- Copy that.
- Go Crimson.
I ask question. If I don't
like answer, you feel pain.
Same as her.
It looks worse than it is.
I have freakishly
strong teeth.
I had braces for nine years. My
orthodontist published a paper.
Where is drive?
I already told you.
I flushed it down the toilet.
You lie. No, I don't.
I don't lie. No.
Oh, my God!
I'm begging you. Please.
Please, do me a favor
and eat my tit, bitch.
And please, please.
Please, just please
go fuck yourself.
'Cause I'd love it
if you would please just
go fuck yourself.
Trust me that I'm a terrible,
terrible liar.
- Everybody knows when I'm lying.
- I can't lie.
Me, too. I've never kept
a secret in my life.
Secrets are poison.
Maybe you keep
secret for her.
No, I'll tell you anything
that you wanna know about her.
'Cause I know it all.
She texts and drives.
She does it all the time.
She Instagrams on the freeway.
She hashtags it "driving."
- What are you doing?
- I'm proving to her that
we don't keep secrets. Just
tell her something about me.
Okay, okay. Um,
Morgan stole her dad's
pain pills after his surgery
- and sold them at Coachella.
- I did.
Audrey was once babysitting
this eight-year-old kid
and she flirted with him
to get him to go to sleep.
His name was Liam.
She has sex dreams
about Minions.
Just the one Minion
with the one eye.
Is that supposed to be a dick?
She googled it
on my computer,
and now I get
a lot of weird ads.
I said I was sorry.
Audrey shaves
between her boobs.
Uh, Morgan kissed her cousin.
- I didn't know it was my cousin.
- Morgan has HPV.
Audrey has HPV.
Morgan had sex
in a playground once.
Audrey hit a dog
in the face.
Morgan had lice as an adult.
Audrey can't come 'cause
she's on antidepressants.
I can! It just takes me
a very long time.
Oh, look.
Hey, hey.
- It's working. It's working.
- Yeah.
What else do you wanna know?
We'll tell you anything.
How you know
so much about her?
And she about you?
She's my best friend. We know
everything about each other.
You have a best friend, right?
Of course
she has a best friend.
- Yeah.
- Look at her.
You're so charming, and you
have so many good hobbies.
- Hobbies.
- You do...
- You do have a best friend.
- Yeah.
Tell us
about your best friend.
- Who is she?
- What's her name? What does she look like?
- Bobik?
- Bobik.
- Oh.
- Tell us about her. Tell us everything about her.
- It's a balance beam.
- Oh.
It's a fucking balance beam.
- Oh, God, no.
- Your balance beam's
- your best fucking friend?
- What? Ah, no, no.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
You fucking dick, Henshaw!
Okay. Light it up.
Sending in the grenades.
Oh, my God!
Who's that?
Oh, my God!
- Yes!
- Oh!
- Hello.
- Oh, my God!
- Stay close.
- Thank you so much!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Okay, I trust you now.
I should hope so.
Show me your hands.
Show me your hands.
Get in the fucking car.
I thought that the international
intelligence office would be fancier.
It's a temporary space.
We don't wanna
call attention to ourselves.
I know, but can you
hang a poster?
Can we get a drape?
This is what our tax dollars
are paying for?
You haven't paid
your taxes for three years.
You know that?
Hey, look,
Sebastian, I'm really sorry
I didn't give you
the drive at that cafe.
Nah. No, I understand.
Drew told you
to keep it safe.
Can you at least tell us
what's on that drive?
All we know is,
it was made by an
international terrorist group
named Highland.
Intelligence tells us they're
planning a series of attacks.
If we had it,
we'd know how to stop them.
Henshaw, my office.
What? Wait, wait.
This is your boss?
You're the boss?
We have a real-life
Judi Dench in our midst.
You are the boss, and yet
you have not sacrificed
one ounce of femininity.
Why have we been spending all of
this time talking to the men,
when this being has been
floating through the halls
of the building?
Oh, my God!
- That's a compliment.
- That is the Beyonce of the government.
Duffer, stay here.
I have so much respect
for you that it has
circled around
into objectification.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I know I overstepped.
Overstepped? No.
I'd say what you did
was closer to treason.
Treason? I was
merely trying to help.
How long did your doctor say that
your arm would take to heal?
Um, three months
for the bullet wound,
- one for the sprain.
- Fantastic.
Take four months' leave.
Oh, no. I assume he meant
the two would
heal simultaneously.
I know what I said.
take me through this.
What exactly was
going through your mind
when you flushed it
down the toilet?
Were you thinking,
"Oh, I know.
"People are dying
because of this.
"So here's what I'll do.
"I'll treat it like
a piece of shit,
"wrapped up in toilet paper,
"and then flush it
down the toilet"?
Oh, this is funny?
Death is funny to you?
No, I'm sorry.
But that's how
you go to the bathroom?
Oh, great. Okay. Awesome.
Great. You two laugh.
Meanwhile, let me tell you
how many people have died
and will die
because of your stupidity.
I'm sorry. Just let me
get this straight.
So you wrap your hands
in toilet paper,
and then you poop
into that,
and then that
whole contraption
is what you drop
into the toilet?
- That was just a metaphor.
- You know that the toilet is designed
to take the work
out of it for you, right?
No, that's not
what I was saying.
I was say...
I didn't say that.
I poop normally.
Like everybody else.
Of course, yes. I know.
I'm sorry. Okay.
Hey, uh, I wanna say goodbye.
Where are you going?
I've been suspended.
You two are to go
back to Los Angeles.
- What?
- What?
Duffer, transport these women
to de Gaulle.
Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am.
Please don't send us home.
Spying, not easy.
We know that now.
But we have been a real help
to this operation,
and I know the drive is gone,
but we are in this, boss.
And if you would
just give us a chance,
I think that we could be
a major resource for you.
Would you consider
keeping us on
in this intelligence bureau?
Please. Ma'am.
All right.
I am going to take
a chance on you two.
I could really use you.
Are you serious?
Their flight
leaves in four hours.
Hey, Morgan, I think that we
should probably just head out.
The fact that we even survived
this is just dumb luck.
I really just wanna go home.
What? Why would you
wanna go home
in the middle of all this?
We're a part of this.
Come on, this isn't...
This isn't who we are.
Okay? We've done enough.
Can we please
just go home?
I'm done.
- Morgan, now.
- Okay. Yes. Yes.
That's a great idea. Hey, Seb,
why don't you drop 'em off
at the airport
on your way home?
It'll prepare you
for your next career,
being a SuperShuttle driver.
Out of curiosity,
if we still had the drive,
what would've happened?
- Hypothetically?
- Yeah.
Uh, I'd figure out
how to de-encrypt it,
then see what Highland's
plans are and stop them.
How do you de-encrypt
something like that?
Why do you wanna
know all this?
Because the drive
is in my vagina.
- What?
- What?
I mean, look, everybody kept
saying that it was so important,
and I wasn't gonna flush something
that important down the toilet.
Why didn't you
just give it to Duffer?
'Cause he's an asshole.
Wait, so when you said
you wanted to go home...
Yes, it was because I had the
flash drive in my vagina.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- I know!
- Does it hurt? Does it not hurt?
You get used to it.
Wait, so you were lying
to that bitch
when she was torturing us?
- Yeah.
- And you lied to me?
You broke our sacred
bond of trust.
I know, Morgan. I'm so sorry.
But it's okay,
'cause it was amazing!
I, um... Well, I don't mean to
be impolite about this but...
Do you think you could
access it from the...
Place that...
- In the...
- Oh, yeah.
- What? Here?
- Just don't look here.
This is good. You should get it out.
'Cause the ultimate irony would be
if you saved the world, and then
died of toxic shock syndrome.
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes
- Okay.
- Oh, there it is.
Should I put it in the...
- No. I'll, uh...
- Like, a tissue?
No, no, no.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
So are you gonna use that
to get your job back?
People at my job
just tried to kill all of us,
so, to be honest, I'm not sure
who to trust anymore.
But thank you.
For trusting me.
Now, will you trust us?
To help you?
I mean, you're injured, so I
feel like you kind of need us.
I mean, we're naturals.
We're operatives.
We're semi-professionals at this point.
Professional. We are professional.
So, um...
Morgan, your idea of
blending in is that outfit?
Do I not look
just like a French woman?
I look like a French woman.
You look like
a French curtain.
Yeah, 'cause I can hang.
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm?
Something really weird
on this drive.
Oh, I'm sorry. Not all of us
are perfectly waxed
porn stars down there.
Some of us have stuff.
Oh, no, I meant
the information on it.
It's State Department
- Right.
- Figures.
- What do you mean?
- Meaning Highland didn't make it.
Your government did.
I can't access it.
I don't have clearance.
What do you mean? You're a spy.
Can't you just hack it?
Well, they change
the password every 24 hours.
Even if I had a supercomputer,
it'd take days.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying we can't
get onto the flash drive.
- What?
- There's gotta be something else
- we can do.
- Not unless you have access to an expert
in U.S. Intelligence
computer security.
One minute.
That's all I
remember from high school French.
Shit. What were
the lines I had
in that French
student film?
Oh, God.
I need to borrow this
for one minute.
I will be there.
Uh-huh. Hmm.
This is Edward.
Eddie. Eddie Snowden.
It's Morgan
from Buck's Rock Camp.
Oh, my God!
Morgan. Um...
Wow! It's been forever.
I, uh...
I sent you a bunch of emails
over the years.
You did? Shoot!
Well, that's upsetting.
I don't know where they went.
I thought that you might not
have your AOL account anymore.
Oh, yeah.
I switched to Gmail in '04.
Oh. Actually, I knew that.
Right. I guess you would.
So I've been
following the news.
Oh, my God. Eddie.
You have to understand,
we didn't kill anybody.
On purpose.
Of course.
It's called a frame job.
They do that.
Tell me what you need, Morgan.
I'm here for you.
Are you near a computer?
A capital H.
Add sign. Lowercase U.
Lowercase J.
Percentage sign.
- Yes, percentage.
- Uppercase Y.
Oh, my God! That's right.
Okay. So?
What are Highland's plans?
These aren't
Highland's plans.
This drive is a back door
to the entire Internet.
Finances, emails.
Everyone's secrets.
We need to
get out of here now.
We gotta go.
- Uh-huh.
- Morgan.
You call me
if you're ever in LA now.
LA's gonna be hard.
I need to add another target.
- Double rate.
- No.
You already failed twice.
The girls are still alive.
Highland is very upset.
Well, hello, beautiful.
What happened
to your face?
What happened to yours?
Where we goin', chief?
We'll be safe there.
Can I help you?
Thank you.
Nice boobs.
Remember, the best place to hide
is somewhere full of suspicious people.
Oh, my God,
is this what crack smells like?
Is this the couple
you saw at the gymnasium?
Ivan and Raisa Petrenko.
Heads of the Highland
crime syndicate.
- Out of Moscow.
- Oh.
Oligarchs, arms dealers,
and former gymnastic coaches.
And this is their trained
assassin and former student.
Not a fan.
You guys. Audrey, come here.
It's us. We're on the news.
Thought to be part of
a bigger terrorist plot...
We're on TV.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- It's happening.
...the women were allegedly
involved in the murder
of a local ophthalmologist,
which may have had
a sexual motive.
Sexual motive?
Yeah. He wishes.
The FBI has
released transcripts
of Facebook messages
between the suspects.
Oh, shit, Morgan.
It's our chats.
"I just wish he would die.
Is that too much to ask?"
"Just for someone to expletive
murder him," said Audrey Stockman
Oh, my God.
Then, "Do you want me
to murder him? I totally will.
"That's what friends are for.
"Music note emoji. Music note
emoji." Replied Morgan Freeman.
Your name is Morgan Freeman.
I just put that together.
Yeah. I can always get
a reservation wherever I want.
Honestly, I just don't believe
- that Audrey would ever do this.
- Oh.
- She's just not that kind of person.
- Wow, okay.
You know. She's not
that sophisticated.
I mean, she's 30 years old,
and she doesn't even
have a bed frame, so...
Box spring counts. A box spring counts.
We've talked about this.
I hope you're not upset about
what that girl said on the news.
Oh, well,
I'm not that surprised.
It's not like
I've done anything
that impressive with my life.
I've seen you
do some impressive things.
You were a great shot
in the cafe.
You switched
the trophies on me.
You didn't break
when you were being tortured.
Plus you had the foresight
to stick that thing up your...
You know, I'm impressed
with you too.
You risked
your whole life for me.
Not many people
would have done that.
my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah, about that.
I wanna clear something up.
You weren't just a cover
for Drew. That much I know.
I was there the night
you two met. At your birthday.
What? At the bar?
in the surveillance van.
Drew was in the bar
to take out a target.
- Wait, who?
- The bartender.
He was a recruiter for ISIS.
Craft bourbon cocktail
with tobacco bitters
and rhubarb zest.
Can you identify him
as the target?
- Oops, I'm sorry.
- Oh, sorry!
Happy birthday.
No. Do not get distracted.
- Yeah.
- It's not my birthday.
- Oh.
- I, um...
I just kind of wear it
for warmth.
- Well, if it was your birthday...
- She's funny.
I would say "Happy birthday."
Thayer, get away
from her now.
In our line of work,
being with someone,
caring about them,
it makes our job harder.
So if Drew was trying
with you, then...
That was real.
And not that you
asked my opinion,
but the worst song
on that jukebox is
Your Body Is a Wonderland.
No question.
Oh, my God! What?
What? No way!
Absolutely not. No.
Um, I lost my virginity
to that song.
To who? The cheesiest
person in the world?
Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, rookworst, am I right?
It always works.
It's actually kind of funny.
Oh, my God! Morgan.
She talks too much.
Oh, my God!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Move! Move!
Hands up.
- Okay.
- That's both hands, cripple.
Come on, Seb. Higher.
Just because I can.
What's this about,
Duffer? Revenge?
I was suspended. You won.
Come on, man. I know I won.
I'm just here for this.
Of course, now I have a few
loose ends to tie up.
Hey! Hey!
Okay! He has nothing
to do with this, okay?
I promise you this is
just Morgan and me.
Why don't you
go back to the CIA,
- and tell them that?
- Jesus!
You don't know
that I'm the bad guy?
He's not here
on CIA business.
He's working for Highland now.
You have no idea
how much the Chinese mafia's
willing to pay for this.
Or the Russian mafia.
Multiple mafias want this.
And, on that note,
I'll finish you all off
and be on my way.
As much fun as it's been
watching you fucktards play
Tinker Tailor Stoner Spy.
- Okay, I got it.
- That's a joke, Audrey.
It's funny, because I'm funny. You
know what? It doesn't matter.
Because there's one thing
that's mightier than the pen,
and it's called
a fucking handgun!
- Oh, my God!
- So, for heckling me, Audrey...
Oh, my God. Please don't do this.
Please don't do this.
Duffer, don't do this.
- You die first.
- Duffer!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
This man, he want
to rob from us, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.
Yes. Absolutely.
- Oh, my God! Really, it's scary.
- Yes.
How did he find us?
I don't know.
We took every precaution.
We only used cash.
No phones.
Did you call
your parents again?
Yes. I had to.
My father was gonna think
that I was dead
if he found out about Roger.
So I went to a souvenir shop,
I got a burner phone.
I picked it up. One second,
"Hi, I'm alive."
And then I threw it
in the dumpster.
They can't trace a call
if it's less than two minutes.
- That's not a thing anymore.
- That's not a thing!
Well, I know that now.
Oh, my God.
He's coming back to life.
He's reanimating.
Okay, it's a phone.
That makes more sense.
It needs a thumbprint.
- There's the thumb.
- Seriously?
I'm standing,
so I can't do it.
Oh, my God.
It says, "Text me
when you get the package."
Tell him we have the package,
and ask where the drop is.
Oh, shit.
It's locked again. Hold on.
Oh, oh.
He said, "Bring it
to Operation Albrecht."
- Okay.
- What's Operation Albrecht?
I'm checking his emails.
He's been communicating with
someone named Hunter Pierce.
So a gay porn star.
Highland was planning
to buy the drive from Duffer.
They called it
Operation Albrecht.
It's going down
tomorrow night.
There's a gala in Berlin
at the Museum of Technology.
Text him back and say we'll
meet them there with the drive.
The phone is locked again.
I need the thumbprint.
You know what? Forget it.
- Okay.
- Oh, the thumb! Yes!
Oh, my God!
Thumbs up.
So here's the plan.
We go to Berlin.
Wait, we're gonna walk
right into this gala?
No. We pose as
two people on the guest list.
The Canadian ambassador
and his wife.
Uh, won't people know
what they look like?
No one ever remembers
what Canadians look like.
They land at Tegel Airport
at 2:00 p.m.
Can I do an accent?
- Please don't.
- I know what I'm gonna do.
Hiya! Is you the Mullicays?
Perfect. I'm Bill.
I know what you're thinking.
How'd a bloke
from the East End
get all the way
to Berlin, Germany?
Well, I will tell you
on the way to the car.
I said, "What are you
doing here, Queen?"
She said, "I was
bored up in that castle.
"I had to get out."
Okay, let's drive then.
No! We're being robbed.
No! Not again.
- Sorry.
- Please, no. I've a little girl at home.
- Okay. We gotta go!
- Me wife is dead.
- Go. Get out. They're asleep!
- She needs a new kidney.
- Morgan, no, let's just...
- I came up with a story.
I hope I look like
the Canadian ambassador's wife.
I hope I look like Chris
Kirkpatrick from NSYNC.
- Am I done?
- Yeah. You're good.
I just think if one of us is
changing her look,
then the other
should change her look
for disguise reasons.
Like, you're about to look
like Amanda Mullicay.
And I'm about to look like...
Shit. I'm about
to look like you.
Not that it's a bad look.
It's just we switched places,
so if they're looking
for a blonde and a brunette,
then we're still gonna be
a blonde and a brunette.
Oh, we fucked up.
I hope this isn't
what gets us killed tonight.
No. Hey, we're
not gonna die tonight.
You're right, we're not.
But if we do...
- We're not, but if we do...
- Oh, my God.
I know a lot of horrific stuff
has happened this week,
but, um...
It has been
the best week of my life.
- Really?
- Yeah, just being out here, like,
on this adventure, with you,
doing the right thing,
and nobody's judging me...
I don't know.
Do you normally feel judged?
You know that thing
that Drew said to me
about me being a little much?
It's not the first time
I've heard that.
You're not "a little much."
I am. I am "a little much."
I'm a lot much.
No, you're not.
The only people
who don't think so
are you and my parents.
That's 'cause
everyone else is boring.
I'm so proud of you.
Honey, I'm proud of you.
Oh, my God.
- So, don't...
- Don't die, okay?
Please don't die,
because then I would die,
and then we would both be dead,
and that would be a waste.
Are you in position?
Yeah, I was born in position.
Yes, everyone's
born in position.
That's why they call it
the fetal position.
Right. Yeah, I just got that.
- Amanda.
- Ethan.
Just act natural.
Just another normal night.
Performing with
Cirque du Soleil
is actually a top three
dream of mine.
I'm highly prepared
for this mission.
I was a C.I.T. in Acrobatics
and Clowning at camp.
It was competitive
and I excelled.
Once again, Morgan, you're not
performing with the troupe.
Your job is to stay backstage
and watch the surveillance.
We need to locate the buyer.
Okay. But... But...
Not just for one song?
- No.
- I hear you.
But wouldn't I be better able
to identify the mark
if I was spinning around on
that silver spinning thingy?
- No.
- Copy that.
But what if
I was on the trapeze?
In which I am trained.
- No.
- Affirmative.
Mongoose standing down.
You guys, you guys,
I see someone suspicious.
Okay. Stay calm.
- Can you describe them?
- Okay.
He's got an insane
twirly mustache.
He's got the big bushy
scary eyebrows.
Yep. Yep.
He's holding a bag of money.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have our buyer.
Yeah, I think that guy's
part of the show.
Yeah, Morgan, I don't think
an actual bad guy
would look like
an evil Mr. Monopoly.
I don't know.
I gotta go with my gut
on this. I'm sorry.
And I was mistaken.
He is a part of the show.
I repeat,
he is a part of the show.
- What?
- That's Tom and Marsha.
Drew's fake parents.
Or whoever they are.
Morgan, get backstage.
I've been blown.
Who has blown you?
Morgan, it's not funny.
I agree. There's nothing funny
about you being blown.
Okay. You two, stay together
and in plain sight
until I get back.
You, uh... You put the drive
somewhere safe?
Very safe.
Is it the same place
as last time?
You'll see.
I don't actually mean,
like, you'll see.
- Please just go.
- Yeah.
No smoking, sir.
I'm sorry.
Awful habit, I know.
- You want one?
- I don't smoke, sir.
Yeah, neither do I.
Sebastian, you got a text.
Sebastian, is everything okay?
Morgan, Sebastian's
not responding.
Oh, my God!
That's really bad.
Or not. I don't wanna scare
you. Could mean anything.
The buyer texted me.
I have to go meet him.
- Or her.
- Thank you. I was gonna say,
women can be terrorists too.
We can do anything
we put our minds to.
Can you see if you can
get eyes on Sebastian?
He couldn't have gotten far.
Yeah. In that case,
I am gonna climb
the ladder. I know...
...trapeze platform really
is the best vantage point.
Oh, my God.
Audrey. Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
Audrey, the goldfinch
has reached
her very precarious perch.
I think I'm about,
I don't know,
2,000 feet off the ground.
Okay. I'm gonna go. Wait.
What? Excuse me.
Give me the ladder.
Fuck me.
- Drew, you're supposed to be dead.
- Dead. Yeah.
I was right on the edge.
But the idea of you being
out there kept me alive.
I'm here to save you.
- Me?
- And to stop Henshaw.
What? Sebastian?
No, he's helping us.
Audrey, do you know
about Highland?
Sebastian works for Highland.
No. That's not possible.
Why would he come
and risk his life?
Why would he get fired?
What did he tell you?
Did he tell you
you're here to find
a buyer for the drive?
You're just here
so he can kill me.
He was using you
as bait to find me.
He knew that
I'd come back for you.
That I'd never
let him hurt you.
And now, here I am.
Audrey, I have some bad news.
Nadedja is still alive,
and she is on the other
trapeze platform
right now.
She might have a bomb on her.
I don't know.
Maybe this is one
of the terrorist attacks.
That doesn't really
make any sense.
She doesn't seem
like a suicide bomber.
That girl has
high self-esteem.
She's so full of herself.
The point is, Audrey,
I'm looking at her,
and she definitely
does wanna kill me.
And then she's gonna
come after you.
So I think I gotta fix this.
I can do this.
Remember your training
from the New Jersey
Circus Center.
Could I just
ask you something?
Did you leave that drive
in my apartment
because you thought
that I would never leave?
That I wouldn't grow?
That I wouldn't go anywhere?
Did you send me to Vienna
because you just
assumed that I wouldn't
question anything?
No. No. No, no. I mean...
I underestimated you.
You hurt me.
I'm so sorry.
I had to.
But now, seeing everything
that you've done,
I've never loved you more.
Do you love me?
I love you, Audrey Stockman.
Looks very real to me.
What was the name
of the nun that beat you
in whatever fucking orphanage... grew up in,
you skank?
Ow. Ow.
Audrey, I did it.
We're safe.
Your boss give you
any new spy gadgets?
Uh, no.
Canadian now?
- Eh!
- Eh! Good.
- Oh, um... I wouldn't open that.
- Is that gonna blow my head off?
Thousand guesses, never
would've landed on "thumb."
Anything else, Double O Sexy?
The drive isn't in there.
Oh, come on.
You can trust me.
Really? 'Cause you said
not to trust anyone.
- Stand back!
- Go on. Move it.
- Audrey.
- Audrey, step back. He's with them.
- Thayer?
- Hey, bro.
Audrey, step away from him.
He's gonna kill all of us.
He said the same thing
about you.
remove the target.
Fuck you, Dad.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Wait! Hold on. Hold on.
Audrey, listen to me. Drew
is working with Highland.
Sebastian was working
with Highland.
That's a lie.
Audrey, he was working
with Duffer too.
Sebastian was
working with Duffer.
Drew's the one that sent
the assassin to the gymnasium.
He would've let you die.
Sebastian sent the
assassin to the gymnasium.
Sebastian would've let you die.
Okay, everything I say you did
you can't just say I did.
I can 'cause
I've got the gun.
You okay?
I'm so scared.
It's all right. It's okay.
I'm so sorry
I dragged you into this.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- I know.
Can we please just go home?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm gonna take care of you.
You looking for this?
Uh, Audrey, that's...
That's cute, but I don't think
you know what you're doing.
God, you really do
still underestimate me.
Audrey, come on.
Get off me! No!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Morgan.
Always so dramatic.
Oh, God!
You better hurry.
Finish me off.
Oh, that's right.
You never finish anything.
To quote a text I got,
"Hey there.
It's over. Sorry."
Audrey... Audrey, don't.
I lied.
Drew Thayer, don't move.
You're under arrest.
have apprehended Drew Thayer.
It's a little much,
don't you think?
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
- I'm okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
What the fuck?
Okay, these vests,
they save your life,
but they do not prevent you
from breaking ribs.
You're alive.
Oh, you're alive.
What is
the Heimlich maneuver?
What is
the Heimlich maneuver?
- That's it.
- Instruments for eight.
This long, powerful horn...
That's a long number.
- Mom, I'm alive.
- Honey, are you okay?
Let me turn this down.
Yeah, I'm gonna
put you on speaker.
- Hold on.
- Let me turn the volume down.
- Put in... Do... Um...
- Trying to lower the volume, sweetie,
- and I can't.
- Input.
I don't see input.
Sorry, I'm calling
from an international
spy's phone.
Spy. Who's a spy?
Yeah, input's
doing nothing.
He's an international spy,
and his name is
Sebastian Henshaw.
He works for MI6.
Can she not reveal
my identity?
Uh, yeah,
she tells them everything.
Hold on.
I have a call waiting.
I love you.
Sebastian Henshaw's phone.
This is Morgan speaking.
Where's Henshaw?
Oh, my God.
Is this who I think it is?
How could I possibly know
who you think this is?
Oh, my God.
It is you. Wow.
I'm letting
Audrey and Sebastian
have a little bit
of a moment right now.
You know what I mean?
- Tell him to call me back.
- No, no. It's okay.
I think I've proven myself
a trustworthy junior agent.
Why don't you give me
the message, yeah?
- Okay.
- Okay.
You may tell him this,
that he can come back
to the office on Monday.
Really? Oh, my gosh!
That's the best.
- Thank you.
- He's gonna be so happy.
Thank you so much.
Mon... Oh! Monday is
tough for me though.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
I have a callback
for a Progresso commercial.
But you know what? Fuck it!
- I'm gonna cancel it.
- I'm not talking about you, Morgan.
- Do not show up on Monday.
- Okay.
I won't come in on Monday. Gosh, I
wouldn't dream of it.
Great. Thank you.
No, but I will.
I'll see you Monday.
What do you like
in your coffee?
So when people ask you
about your first trip
to Europe...
I'm gonna have to tell them the truth.
It definitely wasn't boring.
But I didn't get to do
everything that I wanted to do.
Oh, yeah?
What did you forget?
No. No, no.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. I
thought that you and I maybe...
- No. Actually it was...
- I'm sorry.
- I was going for the...
- I mean, it was the physical
- pain of my chest.
- Okay, then suck it up.
All for this happening.
Love this.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just talked
to the MI6 lady,
and she said that you would
know what to do with the drive?
I have it this time.
You told us to keep it
somewhere safe.
Right. So I finally
swallowed it.
Big personal
victory of mine.
Well, we need to destroy it.
Yeah. As soon as she clears.
You know what I mean?
I, um... I should
speak to my boss.
Yep. Bye now.
What? Okay!
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes!