The Stand Up (2022) Movie Script

Someone wanted
to defraud a Warri man like me.
He didn't even speak English
or Pidgin, he spoke French.
The fraudster said, "Le fue fe te c'est"
I do not understand French,
but I decided to try to speak it.
Then I told him, "Fle te tu"
The guy said, "Fue te c'est le fue le."
Then I said, "Fu tu fue te c'est le"
So, the both of us
kept speaking gibberish.
Then the fraudster said "Sir
we're both speaking rubbish."
I stood my ground.
That's right.
Despite all my effort, some
of you are still not amused.
Come on, bro.
You should smile a bit.
At least let us see your teeth.
Please close it.
Seems like you have
incomplete set of teeth.
You all don't like paying.
You have enough money to
buy chicken and put it in the fridge,
but you don't want to
pay your electricity bill.
You must pay this money.
You have not seen anything yet.
You never pay your bills.
-You all should calm down.
-Please. I will pay.
Hello sir.
What's the problem?
Are we quarrelling?
You are frowning so bad.
Please say what you have in mind.
Take a look at these elderly
women pleading with you.
I really think you should
consider their age.
Look at Papa Pinto.
It's because he can't stand, or he
would be here pleading as well.
You want to disconnect
his power. How would he cope?
He just got married yesterday.
How would he perform his marital
duties without power? Think about it.
God will help him.
Would God send an angel
to sort out the electricity?
How would the angel
find his way in the darkness?
Take a look at Mama Ejiro.
Didn't you tell him
your dog just gave birth?
How would I explain this to him?
-When he wouldn't let us--
-The dog just gave birth.
They don't see--
How many got lost, again?
Recently, about two puppies got missing.
You all should pay up.
If you pay up,
we wouldn't disconnect your power.
We rarely ever have electricity, anyway.
-That's why we don't pay.
-When did you pay?
-Why are you here?
-We rarely have electricity.
All the chicken
in my fridge has gone bad.
All my chicken have gone bad.
But you caused this problem, why would
you lend money to someone born in May?
What has May got to do with this?
Oh you had no idea that if you
borrow money to anyone born in May,
he may pay or may not pay.
-That's what happened.
-So you're laughing, right?
That's the reason for all these
problems, she would have paid her bills.
Please, it's enough.
Let's go to Esisi road.
Once we are done at Esisi,
we will be back.
-Please pay your outstanding bills.
-Thank you.
-We will pay.
-You had better pay.
You think it's because of his jokes?
You will crack jokes
tirelessly but I won't laugh.
-His jokes won't save you all.
-We will pay up.
But he is a funny fellow.
-You have forgotten the ladder?
-Thank you!
Why are you looking at me,
this thing is totally damaged.
Can you fix it?
I don't repair tailoring
machines. I'm just an electrician.
Oh, I'm in big trouble.
Okay, here's the plan.
Look, youll tell the customer
that there's a little delay.
I really can't.
The dress is for an old soldier's wife.
Tomorrow is the deadline.
So how much does it
cost to fix the machine?
-Ten thousand.
-Ten thousand naira!
-How are you?
-How is everything?
-I'm on my way to work at the moment.
-My guy.
-Take care.
Uncle Ovie!
My children, how are you?
-Ovie, what's up?
-Isn't it quite early?
My brother, what can I do?
Madam, please give
them drinks, Ill pay later.
-I trust you.
-You know how we roll.
-Good, good.
-Hey, Ejiro!
Hey, Mama Ejiro.
I greet you. Good morning.
Ah. Unbelievable.
-My DVD.
What's wrong with it?
Whenever I'm watching
a film, it keeps skipping.
-It skips.
-Yes please.
Please just hold on to this as deposit.
-No problem.
-When should I come for pick up?
-In two hours' time.
-Are you sure?
-I'm the person fixing it.
-No problem.
Go ahead, brother.
Little one.
Where are you?
Oh, you're at home.
I have gotten the money.
So just wait for me, I'm on my way.
He is as short as a Maltex bottle.
Curse their dad!
Who are you wearing
black like Nigerian police
begging for money on the road?
Please keep quiet!
-Is that a good joke?
-Give him.
He doesnt know anything.
Do you know what they call "Kpembu"?
It is people that are short like dwarves.
Curse their father!
He has been given some action.
You're not capable, are you crazy?
You're saying you're tall.
What have you achieved
in life with your height?
Looking black and wearing black.
We're not impressed.
Heartbreak, heartbreak.
Wait a minute.
-Have you eaten pounded cassava?
-Yes of course.
This guy looks like
a seven-day old pounded cassava.
Oh my God.
Say something. Come on, say something.
Speak up, don't you have anything to say?
You said I'm short and hard
like cassava, but you look soft
like freshly made roasted plantain.
-This is boring.
-Shut up.
It is by being freshly made
that someone like me was conceived.
But you're the product of a pervert.
I will destroy him.
-I will destroy him completely.
-You are the boss!
-He's crazy.
-I want to help my friend.
Come and motivate him.
Come and help him!
-Who is that?
-Who is this?
-When men are talking, do boys show up?
-Who are you?
Are you sure you can
contend in this battle?
I'm ready.
If you're quite sure,
let the battle begin.
-He's a crazy man.
-Wait a minute!
This is my zone.
Wait a minute.
You feel you can come out
of nowhere and just challenge me?
When men are showing up,
do little boys come out?
-Give him two minutes.
-What is your problem?
Look at you making noise.
You've forgotten we know
you are a big for nothing fellow.
It's a lot.
With your small armpit.
You're good.
How does your father walk?
Doesn't he walk like a fake walking stick?
You all should calm down, let me speak.
You all should be calm, let me speak.
Leave him. Let him speak.
-I have my winner!
-Strong man!
Strong man!
Give me the money so I can leave.
-What's up? You're still here?
-Get out!
You all should leave here!
You all should leave here!
You must be mad.
Where is he?
Where did he go?
You think you can outrun us.
You were running anyhow.
Fast as voltage,
you've been talking like a loose cannon.
It is your zone.
Why don't you disappear now?
Well done, Usain Bolt.
So in this zone,
I cant have peace of mind, right?
I thought you had
the courage to run your mouth.
Brother, please.
-Oh, I'm your brother now.
-We were just having fun.
You want to beg me.
-The idiot wants to beg now.
-Brother, please
Okay, come and beg me.
-Okay, come and beg me.
-Brother please.
Come here.
-Come over here.
-I thought you were brave.
-Do you want me to hit you in the balls?
-Bro, please.
You're mad.
Where is my money?
-This is it.
You're such a loud mouth.
You're such a loud mouth.
-Our leader!
-Strong leader.
Yes sir.
-It's your time.
-Yes boss.
-One and only boss!
-You all can enjoy dessert.
-You are
-You guys should beat him properly.
Let us go.
Take it.
Thank you.
Go and fix the machine.
One, two, three, four
Hmm. Brother!
Stop, stop, stop. Don't hold me.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
-What happened?
-I'm fine, don't worry.
Go and do what you need to do.
Ovie, are you guys here?
-Greetings father.
Dinner is ready. Food is here.
You guys can eat.
I want to change quickly. I just got here.
Dad, I'll be back.
I want to fix my machine.
But you both know we only
eat once a day in this house.
-I'm coming.
-You both know that.
Who is there?
Okay, it's a goat.
Eh, Ovie
Do you know that
Ediri Kagbari lives in this estate?
He was my classmate in college.
Anyway, he has chosen
to move to Lagos now,
while I stay back
guarding his estate for him.
Can you imagine life?
-Such is life.
He probably
doesn't want to hustle in Warri.
He probably likes Lagos. So he can go.
Ovie, what are you saying?
Hustle, hustle in Lagos.
Look, let me tell you.
There is no way you can grow beyond
the limitation of your environment.
If you don't know, know it now.
I said it.
You hardly say anything without
bringing Lagos into the conversation.
It's not everyone that goes to
Lagos that will become successful.
I will be successful in Warri.
I have said it before,
so please drop this Lagos conversation.
Ovie, who's talking to you, anyway?
Who's talking to you?
Papa, you put us
in this life of struggles.
Should a father and son
be colleagues as security men?
I have told you,
I'll be successful in Warri.
No one will stop me.
So please forget about
that Lagos you always talk about.
In fact you're distracting
me from working.
So you'll guard here
And I'll guard the other location
because I dont want
distractions from you.
Ovie, come here.
Are you walking out on your father?
Ah, what kind of
Ah, Papa. Papa. Ah, help!
Papa! papa!
Dust to dust.
Ashes to ashes.
And from today, oh God.
That no power will take the fate of
our brother laid to rest today
to haunt this family in the name of Jesus.
Ovie, Come. Please can we talk?
Thank you sir, for coming to
Don't be downcast about
your father's demise.
He was my close friend.
My business partner when he was alive.
-Business partner?
I don't understand,
what type of business, sir?
Different things.
Well, I loaned him some money.
When he was alive,
he signed contract and all of that.
So all the business
we ventured in together
all the documents are intact.
He was owing me
two million naira as you can see.
-Two million!
My dad was owing two million?
How did my father owe
two million naira and we had no idea?
Ah, no, no.
Where did he spend all the money?
Boss, I don't understand
what you're saying.
And besides look at him.
We just buried him over there.
Seems like you'll have to ask him
how he spent your two million.
You people will have
to pay that two million naira.
Pay back two million we didn't share?
Boss, I am just respecting you.
Because I just buried my father,
I would have spoken to you rudely.
Let's leave.
How would I pay
for two million we didn't use?
How am I sure you gave him the money?
Is that your final response?
Seems like I have your attention now?
As you can see, my sister and I
are still mourning my father.
You were there
when we buried him recently.
Where will I find
the two million to give you?
How is that my business?
We don't have the money and
I don't get that kind of money.
So, please leave my house.
Please, leave my house.
I tried to reason with you.
But you have been acting rather proud.
Do you want to kill me?
What do you want to do?
You want to use me for money ritual?
Please leave, you shouldn't be here.
Ovie. Leave me. Jesus!
Sir, please.
Ovie, please don't allow
them take me away.
Sir, please.
Boss, please. Please.
Let my sister go,
I will work for you, please.
You are not my kind.
-I am pleading.
-I said you are not my kind.
You can't work for me.
I need cash.
Do you have cash?
How can I get the two million?
That is why I am begging you.
Let me work for you.
How is that my business?
When you get my two million,
you will get your sister back.
Do you understand?
Good day.
-How are you?
-I am fine.
Don't worry,
you don't have to get beaten today.
I heard what Dewor did to your sister.
Look, he is someone I don't like.
And everyone knows that.
If you need help, just let me know.
If it's to get some boys
to go there and deal with him.
It is not a big deal.
I am only respecting him.
No problem, boss. I am trying my best.
I'm trying to sort it out. I'm on it.
Well, I am only
extending a helping hand, okay.
-No problem.
-In case you need my help,
just come to me any time.
-No problem, boss. Thank you.
Don't get into trouble.
Okay, boss.
-Be good.
-Thank you.
I wonder what
my father used the two million for?
What is all this?
I have searched everywhere.
I can't find the two million.
What did he use two million for?
-Seventy thousand for all this? Why?
-Oh, Ovie, is it too much?
You should take it for two thousand.
It is as if the money is there to waste.
If I have the money,
I will travel to Lagos.
What is happening in this Lagos
that everyone wants to go there?
Bro, I am tired of Warri.
If I have the money,
I will travel to Lagos.
Lagos is the land of opportunities.
Okay, no problem. How much
do you want to pay for them all?
As my friend, honestly,
I'll add two thousand to make it seventy-
two thousand naira. What d'you say?
Honestly, you don't value
my property. Just leave it.
Okay, I will take my leave.
-Leave it.
-No problem.
-Why are you talking like that?
-It's okay.
Come on!
Just because I didn't
let you rub my belly,
that's why you're upset this evening?
What's up?
Have you meant my wives before?
These are my wives.
There are six of them,
but one of them is not around.
You'll introduce yourselves to Ovie!
That sixth one is not here.
So your sister
supposed to be my CR-seven
She will be striking from the right flank.
Do you understand?
The perfect number, seven.
-I'll take care of your sister--
-I am going to Lagos to make money.
You want to travel to Lagos
to look for the money?
That's good.
That was where
I made my first one million.
One million.
Do you know how old I was then?
If you're going to Lagos,
you need to be smart.
If you're not smart in Lagos
If God is not on your side,
Lagos will break you.
Do you know how many dreams
have died in Lagos?
I want to see my sister.
It is his boldness for me. I like it.
What if I say no, what will you do?
Take him to his sister.
I will take care of your sister, alright?
Ovie makes me laugh.
What is wrong with you, Jacinta?
What father did is not fair.
He just abandoned us.
What did he use two million for?
I don't know.
And that is why I am pissed.
Could he have invested it somewhere?
Don't worry.
I will try my best to get you out of here.
How do you plan to do that?
I will travel to Lagos and hustle.
Do you know anyone in Lagos?
Don't worry. Just ensure
to stay on your best behavior.
Don't let those idiots
Are you listening?
don't let them touch you.
So you will just go
to Lagos and make two million?
That's the only option we have.
Or have you got any other option?
Don't worry. Don't cry, okay.
-I promise to get you out of this place.
Ovie, I can't stay here. Please don't go.
-Don't worry.
-Wait! Ovie, wait.
-Don't worry.
-Ovie, wait.
Hey! Welcome.
Let me help you, sir.
Excuse me. Fine sister!
-Let me help you.
-No, thank you.
Get out of my way.
-Fine boy, let me help you.
-How are you?
How are you?
-Let me help you.
-How are you?
-No, don't worry.
-Let me help you.
-Please, excuse me.
-Let's go.
Hey, come.
Where is my wallet you just stole?
Which wallet?
What is wrong with you?
You just stole my wallet and
you are asking me what wallet?
Are you crazy?
You should be scared.
If I slap you, you will soil yourself.
Are you joking?
-Excuse me, please.
-Hey, come here.
Leave me alone. It seems you're crazy.
Thank you, sir.
The wallet is empty.
But, now that I am in Lagos
my plan is to make money
that's why I am holding on to it.
Ah-ah. Is that how they behave in Lagos?
Everyone is in a haste and
acting as though they are on drugs.
Eh! Ah!
It is well.
Is this your first time in Lagos?
Yes, this is my first time in Lagos.
Why are you in Lagos?
I came to hustle and make money.
That is why I came here.
You're smart.
I wish I had your brains
when I came to Lagos
-I wouldn't have been scammed.
-I am from Warri.
Warri people are smart, haven't you heard?
-You want a job, right?
I will get you a job.
-You will get me a job?
-Thank you.
-I will get you a job.
You are a Godsend. Thank you.
Who are you?
Who are you?
Fucking hell!
Move or I will shoot you. Just move.
-Don't try anything stupid. Keep moving.
-Aw, shit!
you can start coming.
Stay there. Just stand where you are.
-Are you good?
Pack it, pack everything. Be fast.
Put it in.
Open this.
Look mister, I am not joking with you.
Open this safe.
You think this is a toy?
I said open the goddamn safe.
Am I speaking gibberish?
Open the safe.
Don't. Don't do it.
I am going to shoot you.
I will really shoot you.
I'm not joking with you.
You bastard!
Let's go.
Let's go!
Come! Hurry!
Hurry, let's go!
Thieves! Armed robbers!
Go back!
Go back!
Come. Come back.
Go down.
Where are they?
Catch them!
Catch them, for goodness sakes!
Armed robbers!
I swear
-Sorry, sorry.
-Watch where you're going!
-Senior Bishop!
You haven't paid.
-Let me pay you.
-Senior Bishop!
I can't believe it is you.
-Leave that senior talk.
-I can't believe it's you.
Stop calling me senior. We are
no longer in secondary school.
I can't believe it's really you.
-Yes, it's me.
-How are you doing?
-So glad I bumped into you.
When did you arrive in Lagos?
I arrived yesterday.
-Yes, yesterday.
You smell funny though.
You can't imagine
what I have been through.
Did you sleep close to the sewer?
I thank God.
Really? What happened?
I can't even talk about what
I went through yesterday.
Bro, you are in Lagos.
You need to be smart.
You need to survive.
But as soon as God smiles
on you, you'll feel blessed.
All will be good.
-That's good.
-Well done, okay.
How is everyone?
I thank God.
Your mom, dad, everyone?
I thank God.
My father is dead, but
I thank God.
-You work here?
-Yes. I am the head electrician.
I am sure to get a job.
Yes, you were saying?
Yes, I was saying--
You made mention that we need
another electrician in the company.
Here he is, sir.
-I did?
-Yes sir. Have you forgotten?
You told me in front of the cafeteria.
That very day, you wore
your pink shirt and a black tie.
-Yes, sir.
I see.
You said we needed
another electrician, sir.
you see this is my guy Sir.
When people call out "Electrician!"
He looks back. That's his nickname.
He is very good at what he does.
He can use his bare hands
to hold a live wire.
He can also use
his teeth to cut a live wire.
I don't know how
he does it but he is good.
-Yes, sir.
-I see.
-What is your name?
-Ovie, sir.
From Warri also?
I don't trust people from Warri.
That last guy we hired
from Warri, you know what he did.
He impregnated our senior
accountant and ran away.
It's not our fault, it's thanks to God.
Look, boss
You can't use Collins' crime to judge him.
Forget what Collins did.
I know what he did was a setback
to the people from Warri but,
but some of us here
are still representing Warri well.
Boss, have I ever disappointed
you before? Am I not from Warri?
All right.
Take him to HR,
for the necessary paper work.
But listen
you will be on probation first.
You know what it means?
You won't be paid salary for three months.
Look Ovie,
forget about the probation talk
that the boss mentioned.
It's for people that are not dedicated.
But I am dedicated.
It's not by saying it.
You need to prove it.
If you prove yourself, you will be paid
fifty thousand naira every month.
-Fifty thousand?
-That's a huge amount of money.
-That not the icing on the cake.
The main catch is when the month ends.
-I don't understand.
-That's the good time.
when new materials arrive,
we keep some aside
and sell them.
It's done secretly.
Dust your foot well, Ovie.
I don't like dirt in my house.
I keep it clean.
Take a look.
Let me get you something.
Wait, wait, what do
you think you are doing?
-I didn't tell you to sit.
Men are not welcome in my bed.
You can't sleep on this bed.
Why are you in haste?
Have it. This mat is what you will use.
Over there is where you will sleep.
Hm. Wait, let me add the pillow
just because we go way back.
Take the pillow.
And your rent is 5000.
Five thousand naira?
What's that about?
You don't know anything.
If not that we go way back, I would have
collected agency fee and commission.
Plus caution fee.
This is Lagos. You'd better adjust.
No problem.
-I hear you.
-I don't like how you frown as you talk.
Look, there is free accommodation
under Lagos bridge and the police station.
-I can escort you there.
-I said I've heard you.
You have to say it with humility,
respect, love and with smiles.
You will say it with a smile.
Let me know that you truly appreciate it.
Do you know what it takes
to get accommodation in Lagos?
Thank you. I've heard.
You still didn't smile
but anyway, I want to go and eat.
I had to first make you feel at home.
Hey, guys.
I can see you guys work hard but
now that I have joined the team,
together we will take the
company to a higher level.
Don't bother to stress yourself.
We like the company the way it is.
You don't know me. If I tell you about me.
-Welcome, welcome.
-I am part of the team now.
-You'll should welcome him.
Thank you bro.
-See how you are
-You'll left your work to shake hands.
You're all joking with your salaries.
The boss is asking of you
to come and do some work.
-I just got here.
-Please, get going.
"I'm just I'm just"
You came here shaking people
and becoming overly familiar.
You should follow my footsteps.
Good afternoon, madam.
The electrician.
Oh, hi.
Uh, the
dispenser just stopped working.
Why are you frowning?
I thought everyone in
the company frowns their faces.
So I decided to follow suit.
Seems like it's the code of conduct.
-That's why I'm frowning as well.
Come on!
What kind of food is this?
Is this what you eat in this company?
Do I look like a chicken?
Look at what I was served.
You should be thankful you have a meal.
How would I get enough strength to work?
Not nice.
You're talking over there.
You're already balding at your young age.
Hi, good afternoon.
Good. Please I need engine oil,
my car is not starting.
Oh, okay. Which one?
How much for this one?
That's thirty thousand naira.
-For engine oil?
Can I get a discount?
I'm a regular customer.
Uhm, the price is thirty thousand
but I can help you ask
the manager if he can
Confirm from your manager.
Please hurry up, I have a meeting.
Please, confirm.
The compound where I live,
we are up to 48 people.
So many children, like in a poultry.
Suffering man.
It's not a joke.
One of my neighbors bathed
another person's child mistakenly.
There are so many children all over.
I realized that where
I came from is better than here.
The other day, someone
made a call saying, Hello
don't let anyone park
in my spot in the traffic jam."
Since when do people
reserve spots in a traffic jam?
You will actually come park in your spot.
As the person arrives, he says,
-"That's my spot."
-So funny.
A boy just learnt to be a mechanic
and went to repair a motorcycle.
He turned the engine upside-down.
He started the motorcycle and
it started going backwards.
The idiot went ahead
to remove the back tires
and the front tires. He then switched
them thinking it will fix the issue.
The motorcycle didn't move.
It just stopped working.
That was the same thing
he did the first time.
Last week, the motorbike went
to pee in someone else's compound.
-Eh? A motorcycle?
-A motorcycle?
You're not aware that a bike pees?
When the bike was done peeing,
the owner of the compound
brought out his own bike
to face the other motorcycle
for a pee contest in the compound.
They are crazy.
So so how long have you been doing this?
I resumed four days ago.
Not that. Comedy. Stand-up comedy.
I am not a stand-up comedian.
You are a comedian.
Just look. Look! You made them laugh.
They are still laughing at your jokes.
I just made them laugh.
Anyone could make people laugh.
Stop playing with me, okay.
You have not done stand-up comedy before.
Look, I'm going to put you on stage,
at City Hall tomorrow. Okay?
You will do this again. Exactly this.
Sir, I'm not a stand-up comedian.
You will be on stage with
stars from across the country.
Is there a woman in your life?
Forget her. Because from tomorrow,
women will lining up
to even hear you breathe.
Okay? See, just
Just call me.
Sorry. Take it. Just call me.
I'll pick you up. My car is over there.
Are you that funny?
I'm thinking about it.
I know I'm not funny.
But that dude was on my neck.
He kept insisting and saying I'm funny.
Are you sure he doesn't want to scam you?
Seems it's a scam.
That's what I'm thinking.
Something tells me it's a scam.
-But the thing is
would a scam artist have
such a fancy complimentary card?
Look at the complimentary card.
You're so nave.
In Lagos?
Fraudsters have offices
at Victoria Island.
They even have marketers.
They use official cars.
And you are talking
about a mere complimentary card.
That's nothing.
But anyway, there is a saying
"How will you know if you don't go?"
I think you should go.
You can't tell what is at stake.
Just go.
I totally think I should try it.
Let me give it a try.
No harm in trying.
What are you going to wear?
Because you need to appear decent.
You need to look good. What will you wear?
I will take one of your shirts.
That is what I will wear.
That won't be a problem.
I will arrange one for you as my friend.
-I trust you.
-Your fee is two thousand Naira?
What is "What?!"?
Where is my money?
You don't want to answer.
Look at her, she just puked.
Someone is being beaten,
another person is puking.
Ovie, help me.
What happened?
Talk to me, Janet. What's the problem?
Ovie, help me.
I don't like when a child
takes me for a fool. Are you listening?
-I have kept my cool because of your dad.
-Let me talk to her.
Don't interrupt me
when I'm talking Ovie, okay?
Are you crazy?
The white people says
"Every action has its consequences."
This nonsense your sister just pulled off,
has cost her two weeks.
You have got nine weeks to go.
-Are you listening?
I give you nine weeks.
Don't interrupt me when
I am talking? Are you crazy?
After the nine weeks,
your sister becomes my woman.
Do you understand?
This is your last chance
to warn her and talk to her well.
Ovie, I don't want to stay here again.
Just calm down. I beg you, calm down.
I hate you!
Don't give her water or food,
until she's ready.
I hate you!
Go to hell and burn, idiot!
That was nice.
I love what you did last week.
That was great. Great job.
-Manager, please.
Just two minutes. That's all
you need to blow this entire place up.
Then get him into the army.
I'm looking for an entertainer.
This guy is the funniest guy
-I've ever met, trust me.
-Yes. Very funny.
Are you trying to tell me that this guy
is funnier than Basket Mouth,
Bovi, AY,--
-You will never know until you try.
-I swear on my father's grave.
I'm not supposed to let you in here.
Everyone still remembers what you did.
Look, those kids out there
Those people, there is no way they can
recall what they said I did ten years ago.
Besides, I am just trying to bounce back,
okay? I need this. I mean no harm.
-Please, just two minutes.
-Please. Two minutes.
He's good.
they said I should warn you people
The next guy coming on stage,
he is good. He is from Warri.
-He will crack you ribs.
-That's a lie.
You don't agree?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
let me clear your doubts.
All the way from the city of Warri,
give it up for the one we call
the one we call
the one we call
Ovie, I can't stay here again.
What's happening?
What happened?
-Is your mouth aching already?
-Speak already!
-Can't you speak?
Leave the stage.
-All you have been doing is hailing.
-You have said that before.
The man The man
Leave the stage!
Leave the stage.
Leave the stage!
Leave the stage!
Yeah, I know that was terrible, right?
-Yes, very terrible.
-Very, very.
Yeah, but look,
It happens in every profession.
We have our bad days,
we have our good days.
So let's take this as one of them.
But I have to make up for that
-with this next performance
It's someone you all know.
You love him. Ladies and gentlemen,
if your hands are not busy,
give it up for the one we call
That's what's up.
Jafu, take it away.
Let's do this.
Jafu! Jafu!
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know,
every day is a good day for me.
-That's it.
-That's right.
The MC said,
some days are good days,
some days are bad days for Ovie.
But the truth is
for Ovie, every day is a bad day.
Area! Area!
There is a woman
Which woman?
You're late.
Come to my office immediately.
I see something strange here.
Boss, it was
because I wasn't prepared.
Boss, I had a bad day.
I'm quite funny.
When next I go there, I will do better.
But on this day,
I can't explain what happened.
I just did have enough motivation.
My next visit, on Tuesday,
I will be going there.
You're fired.
Boss, I don't understand.
What did I do?
I can see why
you always come to work late.
So I want you to have enough time.
So that you can do better
and increase your performance.
Boss, its not
Sometimes, it is because
that's where I use to get some little--
Are you with me?
I don't what to see you here anymore.
Now get out of here.
-Boss, I have nowhere to go.
Nonsense. Just look at him.
Coconut head.
Please, manager.
I don't have them here with me.
I'm in my final year in
College of Education, Warri.
I was a prefect in my secondary school.
-And my favorite subject is--
-There is no need for plenty talk.
Just show me your CV,
or do you expect me to just believe you?
That's what I'm saying.
I'm not lying. I'm not here with it.
Take a look at me.
Am I not fit for this job?
Madam, I'm a machine.
There is an opening for a cleaner.
And you look like a great fit.
Ah, cleaner?
Yes, please.
What is the salary for the cleaning job?
Unlike most places,
we take good care of our staff.
Our starting salary for a cleaner
job is fifteen thousand naira.
Are you good?
-Fifteen thousand naira?
-Yes, please.
For cleaning?
If a cleaner is being paid
fifteen thousand naira,
That means you as a manager are
being paid thirty thousand naira.
I beg your pardon!
Yes. How would a cleaner
be paid fifteen thousand naira?
You know what?
The pay is actually higher than this.
But I knew you were a complete nuisance.
-I'm observing an issue and you're angry?
Security. Everyone is
just calling security.
You can't tell anyone about this.
So you're asking me to lie, madam?
You won't have to lie
if you keep your mouth shut.
this is why you are
always sad in the office?
You hate your job and
you prefer to teach, right?
I told you I'm going to figure it out.
How are you even
an electrician, by the way?
I came to Lagos to hustle.
It's the situation I'm in
that puts me in such a position.
I have been fired.
I'm not surprised.
Mr Salako is nuts.
Well, on the bright side,
you have all the time to chase your dream.
You should resign as well.
So you can have
enough time for your teaching.
You understand?
Because, I know
this is where your passion is.
My dad owns the company.
And he will kill me if I quit.
-That's too much information.
Madam, I want to meet with someone here.
Thank you very much.
-All right, thank you.
Madam, you were talking about my dreams
You said I have a dream that
Look, I think you're funny.
And yes, I saw the video.
Yes, it was a total disaster.
But you'll get fine with some practice.
Okay. I have tried over and over.
And, I'm Diane. Not madam.
Okay, no problem.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, madam.
Why do you need
Two million naira in nine weeks?
Bro please, just forget the why.
Help me with two million naira.
Well, if you work with me
you'll be spending 15 million naira
on a puppy the size of a baby's arm.
I don't think you know
how big this industry is.
Bring out your phone. Check AY's page.
Or Bovi.
Or Basket Mouth,
or any of those guys that
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
Let me show you their page.
Millions of followers!
Millions of followers.
Can you see?
Don't be deceived by this.
This is small.
Okay, wait. Let me show you something.
If you win this event
you get five million naira. Easy.
Two million naira
is peanuts in this industry.
In that case, you could
just help me with two million naira.
I will pay you back.
I don't give out gifts.
You will not grow that way.
Bro, let's cut to the chase.
Let's talk man to man.
I'm in a bind. Please help me.
I will pay you back.
I'm telling you, I will pay you back.
I don't walk around with cash.
All my money is in cryptocurrency,
treasure bills and things like that.
Look, are you in or are you out?
How do I start?
Welcome to my humble abode.
My mansion, skyscraper.
Your house is so fine.
Beach front property.
This is what we call edifice.
We call it edifice back in Warri.
Your house is so fine.
You are staying in heaven.
Just take a look.
Take a look at the chair.
-My palace.
Look at your TV.
Right? A 110-inch television.
I've never seen a TV this big before.
Look at your pictures.
Your picture is on the wall.
When I was slimmer.
I can see it.
You are truly a big man.
This girl is fine. Who is she?
Is she your girlfriend?
That's my uh
It is not your business. Come.
Let me show you your accommodation.
Five star
-ambience lighting
-Your house is so fine.
Your house is so fine.
-Who owns this room? Is this mine?
-It's your room.
This is my room?!
I have made it.
I have made it. This is my room?
I am telling you.
So this is all mine?
Well, you and Trevor Noah.
Look at Trevor Noah.
MI Abaga.
-Gary Vayner.
-Ah, no.
-This is a big man's house.
Careful with the door.
It's an automatic detachable door.
Please hurry and fix it
so I don't spoil it completely.
It's fine.
Your house though.
And this is me.
This is your room.
You are staying in opulence.
You live in heaven not on earth.
You have everything.
You are going to hear many lies about me.
Media concoctions,
painting me as the devil.
Ignore them all.
You see
I'm a magnet for
hate and envy.
It's a curse I have embraced.
Take my words like a gospel.
And I promise you,
you will rise beyond your dreams.
People are going to ask, who is
this Warri boy? Where has he been?
This is not a living room.
A living room is where you lounge.
Only rich people lounge.
This is our headquarters.
This right here is were
we plot world domination.
My mistake was pushing you
out there before you were ready.
This time, we will bake you
till you're a rock.
A mermaid went to donate
blood at general hospital
and they found out the blood
had traces of marijuana in it.
The blood was tasting like marijuana.
Now the person who received
the donated blood is acting high.
Can I talk to her?
Why won't you let me talk to her?
Yes, daddy is here.
I'm ready.
Okay, I'll Okay, let's go.
-I'm okay, right?
-Yeah, it's fine.
Any problem?
No. It's just, um
Let's go.
Yeah, come on boy.
I'm so sorry, ma.
-Mama, I'm so sorry.
Look, I'm sorry about
what happened to you on stage.
How can I help?
Can you help me?
This is not a matter of help.
This comedy thing is not working for me.
I'm tired. I want to leave.
Look, it's not supposed
to be easy at first.
Yes, I know.
But for me, ah man, the case is different.
It's not working for me, I'm not funny.
Can't you see it?
My dad once said that real wealth
lies outside of your comfort zone.
I need money, I don't have time again.
You are not supposed
to make money overnight.
See, I don't know how to explain
it but I know you won't understand.
Help me understand.
Please, let's leave.
-Ovie, help me understand.
-Let's go.
Let's go.
That's right.
So, as I was talking
about my father, right?
The first day I got to the house
with dreadlocks, my father saw me
you know I just started comedy then,
my father saw me
and said, "Not in my house.
You can never have dreadlocks in my house.
You're doing comedy and having dreadlocks.
And so, a few years from
then, I made my first gig
and they paid me five hundred thousand.
-Okay see those guys
-That's right.
Those guys are the key
to success in this country.
-and my father saw me, he was like
They hold the plug
to all the money you want.
I told you to cut off this dreadlocks
and I gave my father two hundred thousand.
And he said, "Where
did you get this money from?"
I said, "Dad,
I got paid to do a photoshoot
with this dreadlocks."
And the next thing I knew,
my father stepped out
and came back with a dreadlock.
Let me finish.
-You see these Igbo guys, they
-Chris, this Jafu guy is funny.
Don't worry my boy is funnier.
-He has the audience amused.
-That's why you hear nicknames like
Okey Japan.
Alright. That's right, thank you.
My name is Jafu. See you
some other time. Good night.
Make some noise for Jafu!
Let me ask you, is he funny?
-I can't hear you, is he funny?
Put your hands together
for yourselves, ladies and gentlemen.
Make some noise
as I make welcome on stage,
A woman went to buy a pair of shoes.
Get off the stage!
-Get out!
Just leave.
The woman's
What happened to her?
I can't do this.
You can't do what? Do you
know what you just did now?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, sir. Please forgive me.
Kiss my shoe.
Hey, what's up? It's Diane.
Oh Diane.
What's up? How did you get my--
I pulled some strings in HR.
Today's my Dad's birthday
and I have invites for ten friends.
Are you interested?
I don't think I'm down
for any birthday now.
I can't make it.
Oh okay.
So sorry, ehn?
Don't be offended, okay?
It's cool. Take care.
And who was that?
Um, one babe, we worked
together in the same office.
Today's her birthday.
No, her father.
What's her father's name?
I think um
Yeah, Osagie.
Osagie Alsa?
Any problem with that?
Chief Dr. Chibunna Donatus Osagie.
The Chairman and CEO of Octane group?
And your foolish self just turned down
a birthday invite to his party?
Do you have any idea, any idea the caliber
of people that are
going to be at the party?
Billionaires! The one percent
of the one percent.
And you're here drinking garri,
saying you are not in the mood?
Call her back now.
Tell her you were drunk and you're
coming for her party before I beat you.
Come on, call her back now.
You're not in the mood.
-Good evening, Wow.
-Fine. I'm fine thank you.
-You look beautiful.
-You don't look bad yourself.
Yes. My coach, my friend
-My boss.
Thank you. It's a pleasure to meet
you. I am a huge fan of your dad.
Your father has done so
much for our community.
-And congrats on the
Thank you.
-on the event. And you look great.
-Where are you? Hello.
-Thank you
-Yeah. So, I mean, this is the party.
-No, you can't do this.
-You know I have spent money on this.
-You can make yourself comfortable.
No, you can't do that.
-He just hung up on me.
-There's an issue.
-What's the issue?
-The MC canceled
-The MC?
because he missed
his flight. I don't know what to do.
-Our guests are here, what do we do?
-This is messed up.
-Hold on, Aunty.
-What do we do?
-What do we do?
-I I have a suggestion.
What solution, please?
Distinguished ladies and gentlemen
I believe you all are happy to be
here just like me and if you know
you are happy, I want you to put
your hands together for the celebrant.
Let's celebrate the celebrant.
Yeah, thank you very
much. Wow, beautiful people.
Yes, I want to specially welcome
every one of you but before then,
our sincere apologies
for starting a little bit late.
Err, you all know the reason. In
fact, there is no need me telling you.
If not for bad roads,
it will be for traffic in Lagos.
Choose one of them and
forgive us. Forgive us for starting late.
Ah, Mama Igele!
Wave at them. Please wave at them.
Please put your hands
together for Mama Igele!
This your headgear
reminds me of my mother's own.
Sometimes when we're going
to church, my mother ties the headgear
and whenever rain falls,
we use the headgear as an umbrella.
Women, women are very special.
You know, I love women so much.
Women love makeup.
My mother was a special woman.
Not long ago, my mother was in her room,
making herself up with some foundation.
She said, "Who is there?
Bring me foundation."
My father thought
she was building a house.
So, when we heard foundation, we all
thought that she was building a house.
When she was done with her
makeup, she stepped out and
even when she was shot in the
face, the bullet could not penetrate.
The makeup prevented it.
So women are so special. Put
your hands together for them again.
Uh, I know the reason
why we are here today is
to celebrate our daddy.
Fifty years is not a joke.
We have every reason to thank God.
So and for that, I have a
special song for our daddy here.
The song is like this.
Happy birthday to you
All glory to God
Long life is your portion
Happy birthday to you
Hip! Hip! Hip!
Thank you.
You saved my event.
Um, accept this
as a token of my gratitude.
-Please do.
-Oh, wow.
You more than deserve it.
Good one.
Thank you so much for coming.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
-Thank you so much.
-No problem, not at all. You are welcome.
Can we have a selfie sir?
Yes, we want to snap.
-Oh, oh okay, picture.
Oh, okay.
Please put your hands
together for Mama Igele.
The moment I saw the headgear,
I remembered when my mother and I went out
and the rain started to beat us. We had
to take cover under the headgear.
The headgear then became the canopy.
Looks like your guy is back.
Not long ago, my mother was in her room,
making herself up with some foundation.
She said, "Who is there?
Bring me foundation.
My father thought
she was building a house.
So, when we heard foundation, we all
thought that she was building a house.
When she was done with her
make up, she stepped out and
even when she was shot in the
face, the bullet could not penetrate.
The makeup prevented it.
Thank you.
You know like I always tell
people, I am all about value.
I can spend any amount
of money on an expensive shoe.
You know why?
Because when you walk into a room
wearing very expensive shoes
somebody could go,
"Oh, I like these shoes."
That's the value for that shoe.
Same thing for shirts,
perfume and every other thing.
Now, I don't understand alcohol.
A bottle of LOUIS XIII
is three million naira.
Three million naira.
You can't have that drink in your house
and walk into this place and someone goes,
"Wow, is that Louis XIII in your stomach?"
Not possible.
Thank you so very much, good night.
Say something.
Last week.
-What happened?
-Are you going to keep saying area?
We're tired of this "Area" you're saying.
Please leave the stage.
So, there is a particular woman.
-What the hell are you doing?
-I can't do this.
Yes, you can do this.
This is exactly what you did last week.
Okay, you have to do this now, okay?
I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.
Look, if you don't do this,
your sister is going to be raped by that
loan shark and she is going
to have six boys at the same time.
You slapped me.
Are you too big to be slapped?
Better hurry to deliver the baby in
your womb so you can teach him
how to do comedy.
Why are you all laughing?
You are poke-nosing into a family affair.
I do not blame you, it is
because slave trade was stopped.
I would have sold you by now.
Look at this one who looks
like his dog has constant cramps.
I do not want to answer you.
I visited them last week and the security
dog they bought for 100,000 naira
sleeps way before them.
They guard the dog instead.
I never like to talk about women.
But just because of the way they behave,
the extent to which women love money.
It is either Judas Iscariot or
Judith Iscariot that sold Jesus Christ,
because women
love money. Why are you laughing?
Why are you looking so
sad? You did good tonight, cheer up.
Who is Leah?
Boye got to you.
Fifteen years ago, Boye sat
in that chair. Exactly where you sat.
He was fresh from the States hungry.
He wanted to learn everything
about the entertainment industry.
How it worked, how it ticked, everything.
I took Boye under my wing.
I mean he was a quick learner.
He had the right tools, you
know. Pretty face, lying tongue.
Everybody liked him. Everybody loved Boye.
He was
built for entertainment.
Months later, we signed Leah.
The brightest talent in the continent.
She was a cross between
Avril Lavigne and
Shola Allyson and Yemi Alade.
And then I realized that
Boye was influencing her.
Because Boye was a crackhead.
He took cocaine.
When I found out, I fired him.
You are going to regret this.
The night I threw a party
for Leah, one of her album releases,
she overdosed on coke
but that was just the beginning.
Because the police searched
my house and found 30kg of cocaine
in my wardrobe, in my backpack.
And to make matters
worse, it was just the
horror of finding out
that he was behind it.
So, how did you know that?
Oh, he was there every
second of it, laughing at me.
Twelve years in prison.
Twelve years in prison.
My wife left me,
wouldn't let me see my daughter.
He took everything from me.
That's my daughter.
Your daughter, a dog?
My daughter.
That's Tonia. She is going to
be twelve at the end of the year.
Boye has everyhing.
He won. Why is he still after you?
Because he knows I can bounce back.
He knows that I can I can pick myself up
And that's why
he's lurking like a tiger.
Waiting to just snatch it
all away from me again.
Which is why you're in danger. Which
is why you have to stay away from him.
Why didn't you tell me
that you have a company?
Your partners are here.
Where have you been?
We've been looking for you.
You were about to tell
me about your company.
Would you tell him or should
we do you the honors?
What's going on?
I guess he cannot talk, huh?
We are businessmen.
Come on, everybody
is a businessman in Lagos.
No. We are lucrative businessmen.
What what kind of business? What
kind of business? What's going on?
See, what we do is um
We look for very interesting opportunities
and we exploit them forcefully.
-Which is kind of like how
-Guys, can I see you outside?
-Are we now guys?
Come on, you cannot
be rude to our host. That's
That's really wrong.
I've been telling you things like this.
Don't mind him. He's going through
a lot. What opportunities, brother?
Okay, let me break it down for you.
So, what we do is we make
unplanned visits like this.
We pitch interesting ideas to our clients
-Wow, that's good.
-and we reach an agreement.
Don't listen to these guys.
Wait. Look, we can pitch our own
organization to them and they can help us.
They might have a plan
for our own business.
Please, I'm listening.
I don't seem to understand.
What kind of what kind of opportunities?
What is wrong with this
Guy, please tell him what is happening.
We are armed robbers.
We are armed robbers.
What did you say?
We are armed robbers!
-Get down.
-What don't you understand?
Sorry, I didn't know. I
don't really know him much.
Hey, you.
You think that you can run?
He was He is not running.
Are you running?
But you
Guys, you understand. Look
How much do you guys have in this house?
I hope you do not have any
other account that has money?
Come on speak up,
I'm talking to you. Come on.
local fowl.
You know you are not
as sophisticated as this other guy.
Is this all the cash you have?
Speak up.
Yes, that's everything.
Not bad.
Alright. Um, Austin,
carry the TV and let's leave.
Mister man.
Because I know you are the smart one here.
Don't try calling the bank, okay?
Yes, we've moved the money.
Lie down!
Lie down now!
Talk to them like gentlemen.
Lie down, okay? Ovie.
Things are looking good.
Boss, it is not what you think.
I think you should leave.
I don't know these guys,
I'm not working with them.
I realized they were armed robbers
so I had to run away from them.
I cannot
have another criminal
on my team.
-Not when I am trying to bounce back.
-I am not a criminal.
-I don't work with these guys.
-The stakes are too much for me, okay?
Just go.
What about my sister?
How am I supposed to--
I don't care.
I don't care. Just get out.
Now, I personally think that more can be
done to bridge the gender inequality gap.
According to the stats, women
earn only 77 cents for every dollar
that men earn for the same amount of work.
My star! In the flesh!
-How are you, man?
-I'm fine.
Look at you! As you can see,
I was just reading a book
and all that good stuff. As you know,
I like to work with intellectual people.
-I hope you like reading as well, yes?
Great. So tell me,
what made you change your mind?
Your speech about super stars.
Oh, that speech?
I stole it all from Twitter.
Can you imagine that?
Tell me, uh
Another question I have.
Does Chris know that you are here?
I am no longer with Chris.
I am done with him.
No way.
You know what that is?
That's music to my ears.
Stay there. Stay.
I have several packages for you my friend
I have in my hand a brand new iPhone.
I know you are not unto
this level of grind yet.
There you go, for you.
That's a brand new iPhone.
And to compliment that iPhone,
I have the latest airpods in town!
And last but certainly not the least.
I have the holy grail
of Blast Entertainment.
Now once you put this on your finger,
you have officially joined the mob.
More like a marriage but
not of convenience, one of love.
Now, let us show you
the plans we have for you.
Okay. I don't think
we need to sell him some more.
I think this is the point
where we sign the contract.
I don't want to be a star.
what exactly do you mean by,
"I don't want to be a star"?
I don't have time. I need money.
I need money.
You're going to get all the money
you want when you become a star, my boy!
Look, you don't understand.
I don't have time.
I need this money now,
bro. I need this money.
And what exactly do you need money for?
I can't tell you but
I promise to pay you back.
Even if it will take me to work
with you for ten years without salary.
This is not some sort of game that
you and Chris are playing on me, is it?
I told you before,
I am no longer with Chris.
Believe me.
How much?
-Two million.
The No Manner Comedy Tour
is not your typical tour.
It's actually a statement,
an upheaval that is going
to rock the very core of this nation.
I mean, I'm talking about all 36 states.
You know, the finest
and the best comedians
from across the world, and even artistes.
You know, I mean
they're going to speak to the
very resilient spirit
of the average Nigerian.
It's the best thing
the country has seen, trust me.
Okay. So, where is Ovie?
They sent us a comedian.
Comedian? Please,
I'm not comedian. God forbid.
Shut up! You're lying.
I have seen you on TV.
But I am not a big comedian.
Then why did you lie?
Please don't be angry.
Here, I am not a comedian.
I only came to deliver.
They're playing on us, boss.
I'm not playing pranks.
You can search me. I have nothing on me.
Where is my money?
Tell me a joke.
I hear cars.
You're running already.
-Trust me, you do not
-Sir, what happened?
-want to make that mistake with me.
-What is the problem?
Aren't you going?
Return my stuff else,
I'll hunt you down and I will destroy you.
Are you going to leave Chris behind?
Your own partner? He's a sitting duck!
You know what?
You have till eight pm
to return my stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen, join me as I welcome
to the stage the one
and only great comedian of our time,
-Yeah, yeah. Area!
That's right.
It's every man for himself
in this life, do you understand?
If you do not work hard,
someone else will work you hard.
Someone wanted
to defraud a Warri man like me.
He didn't speak English
or Pidgin, he spoke French.
The fraudster said, "Le fue fe te c'est"
I do not understand French,
but I decided to try to speak it.
Then I told him,
"Fle te tu c'est fue le. Ce te fue le."
The guy said, "Fue te ce te fue le."
I responded, "Fu tu sue te swell le."
So, the both of us
kept speaking gibberish.
The guy then said
we are speaking rubbish, bro.
I did not fall for it.
The guy started running away.
I then told him come back.
Please clap if I am doing well.
That's right.
If you study well,
you'll find out that things are growing.
Animals are growing
and becoming like humans.
Do you know dogs now talk?
Yes, dogs speak.
I once went to a place
wearing a particular type of shoes.
If you saw the shoes
Even I was scared of the shoes.
Right now, I'm a chic guy.
If you had seen the shoes
Their dog saw me only once
and said to me howling, "Bro
Bro, your shoes are terrible!"
I then said Yeah.
That's right.
With all the jokes I have cracked,
some people are still not impressed.
Hey bro, smile a bit.
At least laugh so we can see your teeth.
Please, close it.
Is that 32 or 29?
So, this life is a setup.
It will tempt you to mess up.
Nowadays, girls are loving up
and the men are ganging up.
You're looking good.
Please put your hands together for
that young man that just walked in.
Put your hands together
for this my guy too.
You came as well?
These guys I just told you to clap for
They are here to kill me.
This guy is a clown.
-Are you okay?
-What are you doing here?
I was looking for you.
Please miss me with
the happy reunion bullshit!
Where is my money, Ovie?
What is he talking about?
I'm going to ask you one more time.
Where is my money?
Ovie, what is he talking about?
What money is he talking about?
You don't know where my money is, huh?
Have it.
What's this for?
Why are you acting like you do not
know what to do with a weapon, Chris?
You killed Leah after all.
I didn't kill Leah, okay?
You gave her the drugs
she overdosed on. You killed Leah.
That's true.
Boys, yes I did. I killed her.
I forgot. I'm sorry.
But guess who took the fall for it? You.
You're evil.
Since we all like playing games,
how about we play a fun game, Chris?
I am going to give you
until the count of ten
to put a bullet through Ovie's head.
And if you do not,
I am going to have
my minions here shoot the both of you.
Ovie, give him back his money.
-Listen to me, give him back his money.
-Where is my money?
I know Boye, he's dangerous.
Where is my money, Ovie?!
-Give him back his money please, Ovie.
You need to calm down, Boye.
Where is my fucking money? Six!
I said give him back his money.
Where is his goddamn money?
-You need to calm down, Boye.
Calm down.
I am trying to get your money for you.
-Ovie, I'm going to shoot you.
-Give him back his money.
-Ovie, listen to me.
-Ovie, don't allow me do this.
He thought the gun had bullets.
I told you guys.
Now, here is how this
is going to play out.
Initially, I wanted to kill just Ovie
but I thought about it and the truth is
I've got to hand it to you.
You are quite skilled
at discovering talent.
And I do not need that type
of pressure in my space right now.
So, I have decided to kill both of you.
This is between you
and me. Boye wait, don't
-Leave him out of this please.
-Boys, kill!
You are under arrest, Mr. Boye Agbaje.
Officer, you are making a mistake. That is
the man you should be arresting, not me.
For your information, we have
listened to all your confessions.
Officer, cuff him.
You have till eight p.m.
Do not think that this is over.
'Cause it is not.
Not by a long shot, my friend.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to the Naija Stand-up Comedy Contest.
Get ready to meet the contestants.
-How y'all doing?
-We're doing well.
What's up everybody?
Good evening everyone. My name is Fav.
Watching Nollywood films these
days is like the battle of the accents.
You don't know if it is a Nigerian film
you're watching, or a British film,
or an American film.
There are just collisions of accents.
I was supposed to be here by six but
unfortunately I got here by ten o'clock,
because our bus fell inside water.
They should just give me this money.
I've realized that Nigerian women
don't like Made in Nigeria products again.
Fortunately though
I have to use the power God gave me
like, you know how Jesus did in the Bible
British accents
collide with American accents.
American accents also
collide with Jamaican accents.
At the end of the day, you are confused.
You will come out of Nollywood theatre
and begin to speak different in tongues.
If you ask them, why all these foreign
hair. They will say it is real human hair.
Please are your hairs animal hairs?
They should just give me
this money because I need it.
Even if I don't deserve it, my trouser
deserves to win the five million.
When a woman calls
to ask a guy, "Are you home?"
He will say he is despite being broke.
The man will borrow money to cook.
Some boys will go
to petrol stations to buy fuel on credit,
just to turn their generators.
Just to impress you.
That is why when you visit a guy,
because he has borrowed money to do things
and he touches you
and you say, "Excuse me,
is that why I'm here?
Excuse me, I don't understand.
Before you know it,
the generator will go off.
He has to save it
for the next girl., Hello?
One girl went to charge
her phone at a burial ceremony.
She plugged the phone.
And because the casket
is an electric casket,
it was plugged as well.
The girl unplugged the
casket to plug her phone.
So the dead body began to discharge.
He began discharging really fast.
So, the girl continued
to charge her phone.
At the grave yard, another girl fell
into the grave while hustling for food.
So as she fell into the
grave, I called out for help.
As people came around, the girl saw a man
she owed money among those
who come to her rescue.
So, the girl began to hide in the grave.
-Leave your name. Get out.
My name is Jafu! I love you.
We attended a marriage ceremony
at a particular village.
Once we arrived, everyone came around.
We did not know that the
whole village had just one hymn book.
The choir master usually calls
the poem and they will respond.
Little did we know that the
man's glasses were missing.
He had forgotten that we would believe
anything he says is from the hymn book.
The man then said,
"My eyes are bad, I cannot see."
The whole congregation began to sing
My eyes are bad, I cannot see.
He got upset and shouted "Oh, shit!"
The congregation went, "Oh, shit."
It's been a fiercely contested
competition here tonight.
And we are down to two finalists
Ovie and Jafu.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a round of applause for them.
A round of applause.
just so you know once again.
The winner of this competition
gets five million naira in cash,
a weekend getaway to Dubai
Keep the applause going.
an SUV, 2022 model.
I like to inform you,
ladies and gentlemen,
the judges have decided.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of this competition
tonight is no other person than
The winner is
Congratulations, Ovie. You did it.
Don't worry, better days are ahead.
On behalf of the jury,
I hereby present to you
a cheque of five million naira.
You did it. I knew you could do it.
Oh my God.
-I have something to tell you.
I quit my job.
What about your dad?
-Oh, don't worry.
-Won't he be mad at you?
Don't worry, he already did his worst.
He froze my account
and then seized my car.
Anyway, let's celebrate.
-I'm good.
-Look at you. Congratulations once again.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for always being there for me.
-It's fine.
Small trouble, I already got
the money. I will be on my way.
Thank God. When are you coming?
That will be in five days.
What happened?
Tomorrow is the wedding.
Dewor planned it already.
-What's wrong?
-Look, I have to go to Warri now.
-Go where?
-Warri. Now!
Looking at you
I see a fresh morning flower
that has never been plucked.
The morning flower that
still has some dew on it.
I can't wait for you to be my wife.
Do you understand? I mean it.
Beautiful lady.
My girl.
Alright, start.
-My people, I greet you!
I give you till eight pm
and if I don't get my money
I give you till four forty-five pm.
Who is this? Are you blind? Are you mad?
Hello Bro, what's up?
-Hot water, it's really you.
-I greet you sir.
Today in the presence
of the Lord and everyone gathered here,
Dewor and Janet are
here to be joined together in marriage.
Isn't that right?
-You've made it?
-Yes I have.
Is that your girlfriend?
Ah, boss.
-I'll be with you shortly.
-Do you know him?
Um, not really, no.
Come down and
greet your friend. Come down!
Alright I want to ask a question.
Is there anyone that doesn't
want this marriage to take place,
you can speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Don't worry, I'll take care
of you. Trust me.
I'm here with your money.
Leave my sister.
Where is the money?
This is a cheque of five million.
But if you want cash it will
be ready in five days time.
Give him the documents.
Where is the cheque?
I say continue.
-Continue the marriage.
Which area? I said continue, don't panic.
Release my friend's sister
before we deal with you.
Are you threatening me
with these toddlers?
What will you do?
Order your boys to shoot at us all.
This document is fake.
You have punished me over
a fake document all this while.
So you have deceived me
with a fake document for months.
You are wicked.
You are a bad person.
And I tell you that
you will suffer for it in this town.
Give me my cheque.
Give him his nonsense cheque.
Wicked man.
Your evil has ended in this town.
Evil man!
How do you feel? Are you alright?
-Chris? Okay.
-Very wicked man.
-God will punish you.
-Chris wants to speak to you.
Hello, Chris.
Really? Yeah!
We've gotten the investment.
Thank you, Chris. Yeah!
Chris wait, I'll call you back.
Thank God. Yes!
Yes! We've made it.
Yeah! God is good.
Fifty husbands
and fifty wives were looking
you will must all pay attention,
no mathematician will understand me,
who was the most handsome.
Is that not your friend?
My brother, I have something to say
You'll have been ruled for eight
years and you don't understand.
-And you want to understand me.
-He's funny, actually.
-He's very interesting. Oh, boy.
Thank you very much. My name is Ovie.
And I'm a stand-up comedian.
I think I know where
we're going from here.
This is the police. Open up!
Subtitle translation by: Ayolope Koiki