The Stolen Jools (1931) Movie Script
Hello!
What? A murder?
That ain't news. We had three yesterday.
Hello!
Los Angeles is on fire?
All right. I'll send a man down.
Hello!
What? A car parked on the wrong side
of the street?
Did you ring?
Yes! Call out for reserves, will ya?
Reserves!
(babbling)
(babbling)
And then she says I love you, Reginald.
Hey, Sherlock. Did you hear about
the jewel robbery at the ball last night?
Oh, go on away!
I'm writing one of them scenarios.
Hey, now, just a minute,
you great big flat-footed cop!
You better listen to me!
Somebody stole Norma Shearer's jewels.
Well? What of it?
They stole 'em from us!
Why, the dirty crooks!
Inspector Kane speaking.
What?
I'll get right over with two of my best men.
Come on! Go home, go home!
Didn't you hear me? I said go home.
You can't sit around here
dirtying this place up eating ice-cream.
Miss Shearer won't like it.
Miss Shearer she bought it for us.
Oh, of course, that's different.
You sweet little dears.
Hey! The cops!
Thank you, boys.
Where'll you be when I need you?
Right here.
Okay.
I told you not to make that last payment.
Of course I've lost them.
Don't sit there looking as though I hadn't.
I wouldn't have lost them for the world.
They were all mementos.
But uhm...
Hedda, don't talk so much!
But uhm...
I've looked there, too.
But...
I've looked there already.
But who was there?
Well, let me see.
I was with Billy Haines... Jack Gilbert...
We don't want any!
Whether you want it or not, you're gonna get it!
Joan Crawford...
Miss Shearing.
Oh, Inspector. I've been waiting for you.
Did you ever lose any jewels before?
Why, no, sir. Not this week.
Do you suspect anyone?
My nerves are so shocked I suspect everyone.
You weren't at the ball, were you?
Why, no, mam. I never go...
Ah, you hesitate.
You've found them!
Oh, isn't he a lovely man.
Do give them to me.
Calm yourself, lady.
I'll find your jewels or die.
I wish you would!
Huh?
Joan, you mean you actually took it.
Yes.
You see, I came home from the dance
with it hidden under my wrap...
for fear someone would take it from me.
Well, Joan, if we weren't such good friends, I'd say...
You'd say what?
I won't say it.
Oh, Bill. If you'd wanted something all your life
and fate laid it right in your palm?
What would you do?
Grab it and run like...
Hm-hmm.
Like you did.
But you have to take it back.
No, I'll never take it back.
Oh, yes you will.
Come on, hand it over!
Who are you?
Inspector Kane. I heard what you said.
You stole Miss Shearer's jewels.
Jewels?
You're crazy!
Here's what I took.
Miss Lee, I'd like to ask you...
I know, you want my autograph.
Oh, forget it.
Excuse me, Mr. Lowe, but I want to ask you
about the ball last night.
What ball?
You know, you were there with this lady.
Oh, yeah?
Get out, get out!
Go on!
Yes, sir.
So you double crossed me, uh?
You know? I don't think they like me.
Were they there?
Oh, I didn't wait for the answer.
Go on back and find out.
Yes, mam.
What?
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, please.
I forgot to wait for the answer.
Hey, listen. If you don't get out of here,
I'll send you back to Poland in a pine box.
Not Poland. Sweden.
All right, Sweden.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, what did he say?
Oh, he's a nice fellow.
He's going to send me to Sweden.
Come on with me.
Mr. McLaglen, can I talk to you?
What is it?
Norma Shearer's jewels were stolen last night.
Do you know anything about them?
Are you insinuating that I took them?
No, I'm only asking you.
Now you see what you've done?
He won't send me back to Sweden.
Oh, yes he will.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself
hitting a little Norwegian like that.
Says who?
Says me!
Excuse me gentlemen.
I 'm not from Norway. Sweden.
That picture should be over on the left.
No, it should be over on the right.
Is that so?
Yes, and so are you.
I wanna see Winnie Lightner.
807!
Thank you.
How did you know she was in 807?
There you are...
Singing in the bath...
Oh, for the love of my hosier shirt,
I'll be right there.
Singing in the rain...
Hello?
Inspector Kane speaking.
Can I see you now, Miss Lightner?
Good gracious! I hope not!
Fifi, a package of cigarettes.
What kind, monsieur?
Chesterfield.
Do you want a match?
I get one for you.
Hum, seorita?
I see you are very popular with the ladies, yes?
I like all the pretty girls.
Oh... some matches?
Gracias.
Well, such popularity must be deserved.
You flatter me.
Pardon me. Mr. Baxter.
Did you attend that ball last night?
Oh, no, no. I'm so sorry,
but I do not dance in English.
Adis.
Au revoir.
I know you. You're miss Irene Dunne,
aren't you?
Yes, I'm Irene Dunne.
What do you know about those stolen jewels?
Jewels? Oh! Were they in a purple box?
Yes!
With a silver padlock?
Yes!
And a gold ribbon wrapped around them?
Yes!
I never saw them.
You know, I'm still nervous.
What you need is a cup of coffee.
Hey, waiter, bring me a cup of coffee.
Just as soon as I can get to you.
I don't like that guy.
I don't think he's a waiter.
At least he don't act like one.
Oh, yes he does.
I think he's a crook.
Yeah? Wait a minute, I'll ask him.
Son, are you a crook?
I mean. What is your business?
I'm Inspector Kane.
What did I tell you?
What do you mean?
Well, if you're an inspector, what are you doing here?
Shhh! I'm looking for pearls.
Why don't you try the oysters?
Now, wait a minute!
Let me tell you something. This is serious.
There was a ball given last night...
Yeah, it's still on the menu.
What's on the menu?
Codfish ball.
Listen, this is serious.
This ball was given for ladies and gentlemen.
We weren't there then.
No...
The jewels were stolen from Norma Shearer.
Does she work here?
No, she don't. But I'm gonna get those jewels.
You know anything about it.
Wait a minute.
If there was a ball given last night
and any jewels were stolen...
had we been there, he would have gotten them.
Now why make a crack like that?
I had nothing...
Hey, did you ever steal anything?
Wait a minute. Better let me handle this.
Wait a minute.
Now?
Now.
What do you mean by doing that?
He told me to do it.
He did?
You tell everything you know, don't you?
Don't give me that!
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Did you ever do this before?
Yes. In Rio Rita we did...
You did, well then...
Pardon me, Mr. Dix.
I'm a detective.
Where can I find Lowell Sherman?
A detective?
Yes.
Well, you ought to know where to find him.
By the way, how did you know I was Richard Dix?
I guessed it.
Well, you guess where Lowell is, will you?
Embrace him.
You don't thank him and them kiss him.
But naturally I thank him and then kiss him.
There are different kinds of embraces.
Tommy, did you get that man
who plays the detective?
Yes, sir. Right here.
Oh. Who are you?
I'm a detective.
No, you're not.
You won't do.
You don't look a bit like a detective.
Come on, Phil, will ya?
Get that.
Oh.
No, no, no,
Hello!
No!
Excuse me, please.
No!
Yes?
No.
Yes?
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes.
No.
Come on, Gallager, get this other one.
Oh, Gallager... yes?
No.
Hello?
Yes.
No,
Maybe.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Have you birds got your copy ready?
Yes!
No!
Maybe.
Well, have you got it or haven't you got it?
Oh, it's you, Mr. Cooper.
Put em down. Hang em up!
Put em down, hang em up.
What do you think we're running here? An almanac?
You see, I couldn't' find a pencil in town...
I need a new typewriter ribbon...
Oh, Wynne!
Here's the story of the film ball last night.
Okay. You were there?
Sure! I had a great time.
I left before it started.
Hey, chief, fresh story.
Norma Shearer's jewels were stolen
last night at the movie ball.
No one arrested but everyone suspected.
Now isn't that unusual.
Just like the weather out here.
Say, you know? I wish Philo Vance was here.
Who?
Philo Vance.
Say, Bud!
Why don't you get in touch
with that French detective friend of yours?
That er, Maurice Chandelier.
Great idea.
Hollywood 2400, please.
Yes?
Hello, Buddy!
Wasn't that a grand party last night?
Yes, I wonder if they found any trace
of those stolen jewels.
Hey, hey, hey...
Shhh!
Shhh!
I know you. You're Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
Them's fighting words, stranger.
Well, anyway, this is Miss...
Everybody knows her. Loretta Young.
Quiet! Don't talk! Answer my questions.
Will everything we say be used against us?
Ah!
So you've hocked the jewels, have you?
You dropped that yourself.
Me?
Oh!
Pardon me just a minute.
Are you Richard Barthelmess?
Why, uhm...
No. There he is, right over there.
Clever fellow. What a makeup.
Pardon me. I want to see him. Just a minute.
Mr. Barthelmess, I want to talk to you.
I'm not Barthelmess.
No?
Louise Fazenda.
Pardon me, Mr. Butterworth,
you're wanted on the set immediately.
Ben.
Hm?
What's a three-letter word for perfection?
You, darling.
Flatterer.
Hey, Bebe.
What's a five-letter word for me?
Jewel, sweetheart.
Frank Fay?
Yes.
Do you know anything about those stolen jewels?
No.
Why...
Oh, Barbara Stanwyck. May I present Mr. Fay.
We know each other. We're married.
Why, of course.
Do you know anything about those stolen jewels?
Shh!
I've just written the most beautiful
piece of poetry.
Really?
Well, I gotta go.
Just a second. Let's hear it.
Oh, no, there's more. Wait.
In a year or so the girl returned
and mighty proud was she.
She told how she'd done her duty
in the great war or the sea.
She told how she picked up the wounded
and held each one to her breast.
So the wood workers got together
and made her a cedar chest.
Well, I'll see you around sometime, I guess.
Kindly come in the garden, please.
Hey, wait a minute.
Which one of you two are Jack Oakie?
Say, Jack Oakie, what's your name?
Oh, er... yes, sir.
Were you at the ball last night?
The ball? Let me see.
Oh, no, I wasn't at the ball. I was playing
some miniature bridge with some The Singer's midgets.
Now wait a minute.
Don't you get fresh with me.
Now wait. You're going too far, fellow.
Don't you want to say what's your business with me?
What do you mean?
I want to see you later, then...
I know, but we've got a big scene to do here.
The kissing scene, is that it?
Yes.
Come on, take em off. I know you.
Come on, take em off.
No!
Take em off, I tell you.
No, I won't take mine off
unless you don't take yours off first.
Oh, yes, you will!
Oh, no I won't!
So it's you, is it?
Were you present when those jewels were stolen?
Yes.
What?
Uhm, no, no, no.
How do I know?
Well, because if I was there I'd have hollered
for help.
How loud can you holler for help?
How loud?
Yes.
Help!
Hello, Hank. Do you want me?
Yeah, Billy. Here's that piece of cheese.
They call it "The Stolen Jools".
Take it away before the Board of Health
gets here.
I'll take it out and bury it.
That's a good idea, Billy.
Hey, wait a minute!
Come here!
What have you got there?
"The Stolen Jools".
What?
The Stolen Jools.
Just what I'm looking for.
So I've caught you in the act, have I?
Oh, but I didn't do it.
You didn't do it?
No, I didn't do it!
Just a moment, please.
I have a secret.
I did it.
Mitzi Green! You stole the jewels?
No. I was at that ball.
And when I saw Edward Robinson
and George E. Stone put this box in a drawer...
I knew something was wrong.
And I've always been taught that honesty
is the best policy.
So, I just took it myself.
Mitzi, you've saved the plot of the story.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
And the moral of the story is...
Never spank a child on an empty stomach.
What? A murder?
That ain't news. We had three yesterday.
Hello!
Los Angeles is on fire?
All right. I'll send a man down.
Hello!
What? A car parked on the wrong side
of the street?
Did you ring?
Yes! Call out for reserves, will ya?
Reserves!
(babbling)
(babbling)
And then she says I love you, Reginald.
Hey, Sherlock. Did you hear about
the jewel robbery at the ball last night?
Oh, go on away!
I'm writing one of them scenarios.
Hey, now, just a minute,
you great big flat-footed cop!
You better listen to me!
Somebody stole Norma Shearer's jewels.
Well? What of it?
They stole 'em from us!
Why, the dirty crooks!
Inspector Kane speaking.
What?
I'll get right over with two of my best men.
Come on! Go home, go home!
Didn't you hear me? I said go home.
You can't sit around here
dirtying this place up eating ice-cream.
Miss Shearer won't like it.
Miss Shearer she bought it for us.
Oh, of course, that's different.
You sweet little dears.
Hey! The cops!
Thank you, boys.
Where'll you be when I need you?
Right here.
Okay.
I told you not to make that last payment.
Of course I've lost them.
Don't sit there looking as though I hadn't.
I wouldn't have lost them for the world.
They were all mementos.
But uhm...
Hedda, don't talk so much!
But uhm...
I've looked there, too.
But...
I've looked there already.
But who was there?
Well, let me see.
I was with Billy Haines... Jack Gilbert...
We don't want any!
Whether you want it or not, you're gonna get it!
Joan Crawford...
Miss Shearing.
Oh, Inspector. I've been waiting for you.
Did you ever lose any jewels before?
Why, no, sir. Not this week.
Do you suspect anyone?
My nerves are so shocked I suspect everyone.
You weren't at the ball, were you?
Why, no, mam. I never go...
Ah, you hesitate.
You've found them!
Oh, isn't he a lovely man.
Do give them to me.
Calm yourself, lady.
I'll find your jewels or die.
I wish you would!
Huh?
Joan, you mean you actually took it.
Yes.
You see, I came home from the dance
with it hidden under my wrap...
for fear someone would take it from me.
Well, Joan, if we weren't such good friends, I'd say...
You'd say what?
I won't say it.
Oh, Bill. If you'd wanted something all your life
and fate laid it right in your palm?
What would you do?
Grab it and run like...
Hm-hmm.
Like you did.
But you have to take it back.
No, I'll never take it back.
Oh, yes you will.
Come on, hand it over!
Who are you?
Inspector Kane. I heard what you said.
You stole Miss Shearer's jewels.
Jewels?
You're crazy!
Here's what I took.
Miss Lee, I'd like to ask you...
I know, you want my autograph.
Oh, forget it.
Excuse me, Mr. Lowe, but I want to ask you
about the ball last night.
What ball?
You know, you were there with this lady.
Oh, yeah?
Get out, get out!
Go on!
Yes, sir.
So you double crossed me, uh?
You know? I don't think they like me.
Were they there?
Oh, I didn't wait for the answer.
Go on back and find out.
Yes, mam.
What?
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, please.
I forgot to wait for the answer.
Hey, listen. If you don't get out of here,
I'll send you back to Poland in a pine box.
Not Poland. Sweden.
All right, Sweden.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, what did he say?
Oh, he's a nice fellow.
He's going to send me to Sweden.
Come on with me.
Mr. McLaglen, can I talk to you?
What is it?
Norma Shearer's jewels were stolen last night.
Do you know anything about them?
Are you insinuating that I took them?
No, I'm only asking you.
Now you see what you've done?
He won't send me back to Sweden.
Oh, yes he will.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself
hitting a little Norwegian like that.
Says who?
Says me!
Excuse me gentlemen.
I 'm not from Norway. Sweden.
That picture should be over on the left.
No, it should be over on the right.
Is that so?
Yes, and so are you.
I wanna see Winnie Lightner.
807!
Thank you.
How did you know she was in 807?
There you are...
Singing in the bath...
Oh, for the love of my hosier shirt,
I'll be right there.
Singing in the rain...
Hello?
Inspector Kane speaking.
Can I see you now, Miss Lightner?
Good gracious! I hope not!
Fifi, a package of cigarettes.
What kind, monsieur?
Chesterfield.
Do you want a match?
I get one for you.
Hum, seorita?
I see you are very popular with the ladies, yes?
I like all the pretty girls.
Oh... some matches?
Gracias.
Well, such popularity must be deserved.
You flatter me.
Pardon me. Mr. Baxter.
Did you attend that ball last night?
Oh, no, no. I'm so sorry,
but I do not dance in English.
Adis.
Au revoir.
I know you. You're miss Irene Dunne,
aren't you?
Yes, I'm Irene Dunne.
What do you know about those stolen jewels?
Jewels? Oh! Were they in a purple box?
Yes!
With a silver padlock?
Yes!
And a gold ribbon wrapped around them?
Yes!
I never saw them.
You know, I'm still nervous.
What you need is a cup of coffee.
Hey, waiter, bring me a cup of coffee.
Just as soon as I can get to you.
I don't like that guy.
I don't think he's a waiter.
At least he don't act like one.
Oh, yes he does.
I think he's a crook.
Yeah? Wait a minute, I'll ask him.
Son, are you a crook?
I mean. What is your business?
I'm Inspector Kane.
What did I tell you?
What do you mean?
Well, if you're an inspector, what are you doing here?
Shhh! I'm looking for pearls.
Why don't you try the oysters?
Now, wait a minute!
Let me tell you something. This is serious.
There was a ball given last night...
Yeah, it's still on the menu.
What's on the menu?
Codfish ball.
Listen, this is serious.
This ball was given for ladies and gentlemen.
We weren't there then.
No...
The jewels were stolen from Norma Shearer.
Does she work here?
No, she don't. But I'm gonna get those jewels.
You know anything about it.
Wait a minute.
If there was a ball given last night
and any jewels were stolen...
had we been there, he would have gotten them.
Now why make a crack like that?
I had nothing...
Hey, did you ever steal anything?
Wait a minute. Better let me handle this.
Wait a minute.
Now?
Now.
What do you mean by doing that?
He told me to do it.
He did?
You tell everything you know, don't you?
Don't give me that!
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Did you ever do this before?
Yes. In Rio Rita we did...
You did, well then...
Pardon me, Mr. Dix.
I'm a detective.
Where can I find Lowell Sherman?
A detective?
Yes.
Well, you ought to know where to find him.
By the way, how did you know I was Richard Dix?
I guessed it.
Well, you guess where Lowell is, will you?
Embrace him.
You don't thank him and them kiss him.
But naturally I thank him and then kiss him.
There are different kinds of embraces.
Tommy, did you get that man
who plays the detective?
Yes, sir. Right here.
Oh. Who are you?
I'm a detective.
No, you're not.
You won't do.
You don't look a bit like a detective.
Come on, Phil, will ya?
Get that.
Oh.
No, no, no,
Hello!
No!
Excuse me, please.
No!
Yes?
No.
Yes?
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes.
No.
Come on, Gallager, get this other one.
Oh, Gallager... yes?
No.
Hello?
Yes.
No,
Maybe.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Have you birds got your copy ready?
Yes!
No!
Maybe.
Well, have you got it or haven't you got it?
Oh, it's you, Mr. Cooper.
Put em down. Hang em up!
Put em down, hang em up.
What do you think we're running here? An almanac?
You see, I couldn't' find a pencil in town...
I need a new typewriter ribbon...
Oh, Wynne!
Here's the story of the film ball last night.
Okay. You were there?
Sure! I had a great time.
I left before it started.
Hey, chief, fresh story.
Norma Shearer's jewels were stolen
last night at the movie ball.
No one arrested but everyone suspected.
Now isn't that unusual.
Just like the weather out here.
Say, you know? I wish Philo Vance was here.
Who?
Philo Vance.
Say, Bud!
Why don't you get in touch
with that French detective friend of yours?
That er, Maurice Chandelier.
Great idea.
Hollywood 2400, please.
Yes?
Hello, Buddy!
Wasn't that a grand party last night?
Yes, I wonder if they found any trace
of those stolen jewels.
Hey, hey, hey...
Shhh!
Shhh!
I know you. You're Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
Them's fighting words, stranger.
Well, anyway, this is Miss...
Everybody knows her. Loretta Young.
Quiet! Don't talk! Answer my questions.
Will everything we say be used against us?
Ah!
So you've hocked the jewels, have you?
You dropped that yourself.
Me?
Oh!
Pardon me just a minute.
Are you Richard Barthelmess?
Why, uhm...
No. There he is, right over there.
Clever fellow. What a makeup.
Pardon me. I want to see him. Just a minute.
Mr. Barthelmess, I want to talk to you.
I'm not Barthelmess.
No?
Louise Fazenda.
Pardon me, Mr. Butterworth,
you're wanted on the set immediately.
Ben.
Hm?
What's a three-letter word for perfection?
You, darling.
Flatterer.
Hey, Bebe.
What's a five-letter word for me?
Jewel, sweetheart.
Frank Fay?
Yes.
Do you know anything about those stolen jewels?
No.
Why...
Oh, Barbara Stanwyck. May I present Mr. Fay.
We know each other. We're married.
Why, of course.
Do you know anything about those stolen jewels?
Shh!
I've just written the most beautiful
piece of poetry.
Really?
Well, I gotta go.
Just a second. Let's hear it.
Oh, no, there's more. Wait.
In a year or so the girl returned
and mighty proud was she.
She told how she'd done her duty
in the great war or the sea.
She told how she picked up the wounded
and held each one to her breast.
So the wood workers got together
and made her a cedar chest.
Well, I'll see you around sometime, I guess.
Kindly come in the garden, please.
Hey, wait a minute.
Which one of you two are Jack Oakie?
Say, Jack Oakie, what's your name?
Oh, er... yes, sir.
Were you at the ball last night?
The ball? Let me see.
Oh, no, I wasn't at the ball. I was playing
some miniature bridge with some The Singer's midgets.
Now wait a minute.
Don't you get fresh with me.
Now wait. You're going too far, fellow.
Don't you want to say what's your business with me?
What do you mean?
I want to see you later, then...
I know, but we've got a big scene to do here.
The kissing scene, is that it?
Yes.
Come on, take em off. I know you.
Come on, take em off.
No!
Take em off, I tell you.
No, I won't take mine off
unless you don't take yours off first.
Oh, yes, you will!
Oh, no I won't!
So it's you, is it?
Were you present when those jewels were stolen?
Yes.
What?
Uhm, no, no, no.
How do I know?
Well, because if I was there I'd have hollered
for help.
How loud can you holler for help?
How loud?
Yes.
Help!
Hello, Hank. Do you want me?
Yeah, Billy. Here's that piece of cheese.
They call it "The Stolen Jools".
Take it away before the Board of Health
gets here.
I'll take it out and bury it.
That's a good idea, Billy.
Hey, wait a minute!
Come here!
What have you got there?
"The Stolen Jools".
What?
The Stolen Jools.
Just what I'm looking for.
So I've caught you in the act, have I?
Oh, but I didn't do it.
You didn't do it?
No, I didn't do it!
Just a moment, please.
I have a secret.
I did it.
Mitzi Green! You stole the jewels?
No. I was at that ball.
And when I saw Edward Robinson
and George E. Stone put this box in a drawer...
I knew something was wrong.
And I've always been taught that honesty
is the best policy.
So, I just took it myself.
Mitzi, you've saved the plot of the story.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
And the moral of the story is...
Never spank a child on an empty stomach.