The Stooge (1952) Movie Script

Lackawanna 8-799.
Hello. Hello.
l'm so afraid to close my eyes
Afraid that l'll find
- That was mighty pretty, honey.
- Oh, hello.
Say, are you doing anything
tomorrow after the matinee?
- No.
- How would you like to get married?
- Well, you got someone in mind?
- Yes. Me.
Well, best offer l had today.
Suppose l think it over?
All right, you take your time.
l'll hold on.
This lovely thrill is just a silly illusion
With my eyes wide open
Do l deserve such a break?
You know, l think l can make it.
Good. Oh, by the way,
what was that name again?
- Miller. Bill Miller.
- Oh, how nice.
- Well, good night, Mr. Miller.
- Now, one minute.
- Who are you?
- Well, l'm Mary Turner.
Good night, darling.
See you in church.
See you in church.
Mighty pretty. Mighty pretty.
Thank you, sir.
The agent's slice, Leo.
The usual ten percent.
Looks like a small cut to me.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hi, honey.
And to you and Mary, the best of luck,
forever and a day.
- l'll miss you, Bill.
- l'm gonna miss you too, Ben.
You've been swell.
We had great years.
Why the gloom, boys?
This is a wedding, not a wake.
For the act, it's a wake. Bill's leaving.
Well, l want to play the big time
on my own, as a single.
Oh, is that so?
l tell you, you're out of your head,
quitting a great comic like Ben Bailey.
l did a single before.
l know a lot more now.
l've learned from Ben.
Listen, Bill,
when l found you in Scranton,
you were making a fast 60.
You had those flashy two-pants
suits and ragged underwear.
Who got you to play
that chest piano?
Who built you up to 1 250?
Who bought you your first tuxedo?
- l did!
- Bill,
the trick in show business
is to be a hit.
With another guy, with a girl,
with a kangaroo, anything.
Look, you're my friend,
but l don't think you can make it alone.
Now, don't try to talk me out of it, boys.
l'm gonna start again in Scranton.
Alone. lf l have anything,
l'll be back here again, alone.
My name will be on top, alone.
Maybe you should have
got married, alone.
l don't think you can stand two
talented people in the same family.
l'm sorry, fellas. l'm doing a single.
A singing, dancing, talking comedian.
l love you, Leo, but since an hour ago,
l have a wife to take care of.
l gotta start sometime.
OK. Start.
Well, what do you say, Leo,
do l make any sense?
lf you really mean what you just said,
you make sense.
l think any man has a right
to do what he wants to...
...providing he doesn't hurt anyone.
But you've got to
have material, jokes.
Well, l have Al Borden writing
an act for me right now.
He's the greatest gagman
in America.
- You think so?
- l do.
That makes two of you. You and Al.
Now, look, Leo,
will you leave that to me?
All l want you to do is get the bookings
and you can start now.
Oh, there you are.
Say, isn't there something
about the groom dancing with
the bride on their wedding day?
l'll bet you made that up.
Will you excuse us, Leo?
- Well, Al Borden!
- Congratulations.
Glad you came.
Excuse me, will you, honey?
Say, are you serious?
You just got married.
Thank you, Mr. Borden,
for my first wedding present.
- Mary needs a partner.
- Mary isn't the only one.
Al, listen...
You don't think he's doing
the right thing, do you?
You mean quitting Ben?
As an agent, no.
As a friend...
And what about me
leaving Sutherland?
Mary... leaving Sutherland after
all your hard work? And mine?
Bill doesn't want me
to work anymore.
Love, he can handle, but l wish he'd
leave the business end of it to me.
You'll keep on looking out for him,
won't you, Leo?
For ten percent, l'd look after
my own mother-in-law.
Well, l wouldn't say she had buckteeth,
but she was the only girl l knew
that could eat an apple
through a picket fence.
That was funny.
And so l said to the fellow,
''lf that's your wife, buddy,
you're in a lot of trouble.''
That was funny, wasn't it?
- Yeah, that was funny 20 years ago.
- Well, don't worry.
Once Bill starts to warm them up,
the audience will really go.
They're going now.
Out of the theater.
''Short, short story.
''Ben Bailey broke in new partner,
''socko Baltimore, ditto Boston,
ditto Washington.''
Here's the important part:
''Bill Miller, single, 1 2 minutes.
''Lays egg in Newark,
''ditto Camden, ditto Wilkes-Barre,
ditto Scranton.''
- That wiseacre! l'll call those guys...
- Shut up!
- What?
- l said, shut up.
You've got yourself in a spot
because you got a swellhead.
Some fairy godmother
must have whispered to you
and told you that you
don't need nobody.
Well, you better stop listening
to pixies and listen to your agent.
You're not a single,
you never will be.
You're a nice guy, and you got talent,
and you got a nice wife,
but you're gonna blow them all off
if you don't start listening!
Want to hear what's wrong
with your act?
Well, sit down,
because l'm gonna tell you.
You think that you can come out
and sing and be cute.
Well, cute songs
are a nickel a dozen.
You need a new opening.
A comedy song and two funny stories.
Not those broken-down jokes
from Al Borden.
And a finish.
Did you ever hear about that?
A ''San Francisco'' finish.
Cohan did it with a flag.
lt's the most important thing of all!
- Well, it's easy to tell me about it.
- Yeah? Well, here's how you do it.
You go down to any
music publishing house,
and you get one of those
schnook song pluggers.
You put him out in the audience,
then you introduce him.
- But l don't want any...
- Yes, there you go again!
He's not your partner, he's a stooge!
All you have to say is,
''Ladies and gentlemen, we're very
lucky to have in the audience
''this afternoon a Mr. Sam Jones
or Mr. Bruce Anybody,
''the author of that big song hit,
'Your Father's Mustache'
''or 'Your Uncle's Pistol'.''
Then you roust the guy around.
The audience laughs. lt's sock.
You think that'll be good?
What do you want,
a sworn affidavit?
l'll call Sam Robertson
and get you a guy.
Now, get out of here, l'm busy.
Hello, Leo.
Yeah. Song plugger?
Oh, no, Leo, l need all l've got.
Wait a minute, Leo, wait a minute.
l think l've got just the boy for you.
Yes. Oh, you'll love this kid.
Sure, you can pay him
what l pay him, 1 5 dollars a week.
Yeah, he loves to sing
and he's smart as a whip.
That's right.
OK, Leo. Goodbye.
Miss Reagan,
what did that idiot do this time?
He dropped a stack of records.
- ls he bleeding?
- No, l don't think so.
Oh, too bad.
Well, anyway, l think
we're going to lose him.
You mean they're gonna come
and take him away?
No, but l've just put over the biggest
business deal of my career.
- Where is he?
- He's on his lunch hour.
He's allowed 30 minutes.
Well, take his head out of the feedbag
and tell him l want to see him.
He's very insistent
on that full half-hour.
He puts great stress
on proper nourishment.
You tell him l want
to see him right away!
- Yes, sir.
- Miss Reagan.
Tell me the truth.
Do you honestly think he's human?
l've heard people bet both ways.
Stick around, mister.
There'll be a spot in just a minute.
Never mind.
l would like to have...
Could l...?
Could l get a...?
l would like to have a... A glass...
What'll it be, bud?
Oh, l'd like a glass
of hot water, please.
- Hot water.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- What'll you have with it?
- Oh, that's all.
That's all?
- Just hot water?
- Yeah, l want it for my tea.
You've got a nerve.
Driving away my customers
and making your own tea!
Now, get out here! Beat it!
You take your hands off me! l'll pay
you for the hot water, here's a nickel.
Now, get out of here
and quit taking up space!
Don't you put your hands on me!
l'll call a policeman!
l paid for the hot water
and this a public restaurant
and l've got a perfect right to sit here.
That's the law.
- The law?
- You heard me.
Look it up yourself in the code book
of the City of New York!
Article nine, paragraph six, revised.
And l got friends on the force.
Don't you give me no trouble.
Excuse me.
Well... got everything.
That saves me a lot of trouble.
Yeah, my mother makes
my lunch every morning,
so l don't ruin my stomach
in these sloppy hash houses.
Don't you touch me,
l got friends on the force!
Thank you.
l don't use pepper.
Oh, thank you. l beg your pardon.
Cream or lemon?
Oh, l always use cream.
- Cream.
- But don't bother. l brung my own.
l'm just trying to be helpful.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That sandwich.
Wouldn't you like me
to toast it for you?
Oh, would you?
That's it!
Oh, you broke the whole hand!
You deformed me!
Now, l won't be able to play
with the other children!
What are you yapping about?
You still got four fingers left.
Yeah, but when l grow up,
l might want to play the piano, maybe.
You're running a very
unsanitary establishment.
You can rest assured, l'm going to
report you to the Board of Health!
Ted! l've been looking
all over for you!
Mr. Robertson wants to see you
right away. Come on.
Why didn't you find me sooner?
l'm never coming back here again!
You just lost a customer!
Oh, Ted, here's that
phonograph handle you wanted.
Oh, thanks, Duzik. l'll give you the
money for it on payday. Miss Reagan...
Hurry up. You're three minutes
past your half-hour.
- Yeah, but Miss Reagan...
- Ted!
l'm sorry, Mr. Robertson.
l'll give you the money for it on payday.
Careful, Ted, don't cut
your throat on my time.
Mr. Robertson, it was an accident!
l didn't mean to do it.
l had Duzik's phonograph handle
and l was just gonna knock
on the door, that's all.
- Come in, boy.
- Don't pick on a little guy.
lt's all right, don't get excited.
Sit down, son.
- Me?
- Yes, sit down.
Well, Bill, there's your man.
Hit where there's padding.
Hit where there's padding!
- Come on, kid.
- What do l do?
Just go right ahead with him,
that's all.
- Oh, l'm sorry, sir.
- Grab those, huh, kid?
- You want l should go with him?
- More than anything in the world.
l'm sorry, Mr. Robertson.
l'll pay you for that on payday.
He sings too, huh?
Good luck, Mr. Miller.
Hello, sweetie.
Myrtle Theatre, Brooklyn.
How are you, sweetheart?
You wouldn't mind telling me
where you were the last hour?
l was working, doll.
l was getting some new jokes.
- l'll bet.
- From Al Borden.
Why don't you marry him?
- That's not funny.
- Neither are his jokes.
Mary. Mary...
- ...l'm sorry.
- That's very nice of you.
Well, l am. You know how
important this is to me.
Well, l'm pretty fed up.
Ever since the day we were married,
all l've heard is Al Borden
and his jokes and the act.
That's a fine way to talk.
You know l'm trying to make good.
All right, then, let's not talk.
Oh, take care of this, will you, kid, and
l'll see you in the dressing room. Mary!
Six dollars, buster.
Oh, that's very reasonable
for such a nice cab.
Now, hold it.
That's the fare, birdbrain.
Now, pay me or
l'll charge you for waiting.
You don't believe in keeping
all your eggs in one basket, do you?
Wait a minute, that's only five.
l said six, didn't l?
- Could l have some back?
- What?
Well, then could l just have a nickel
for carfare or a cup of coffee?
You panhandler.
Lover, when l'm near you
And l hear you speak my name
Oh, please get out of the way.
Our cue is on.
Lover, when we're dancing
- Quiet.
- Quiet, schmiet.
You try and be quiet.
You try and be quiet,
carrying these bags.
...entrancing music dies
Still mad?
No, how can l stay angry with you?
l'm sorry about last night,
but it's like l told you, honey.
l want to get up there
where you'll be proud of me.
And sometimes l'm in such a hurry,
l just get carried away.
- Oh, come on in, kid.
- l'm sorry, Mr. Miller,
- but if you won't need me anymore...
- Put the big one up there.
Watch that. Easy!
- Yes?
- Five minutes, Mr. Miller.
Mr. Miller, would you like
me to put this away?
Come on, let's go, Mary.
Come on, kid!
Mr. Miller, l better be getting back.
Mr. Robertson's gonna miss me.
- See that box?
- Yeah.
- You go on up there.
- Oh, to see the show?
Thanks, Mr. Miller.
- For free?
- Yeah. Go right through there.
Good luck, darling.
And good luck to you too.
You're on.
Oh, l'm sorry, lady!
Oh, that's all right.
Ask the sky above
And ask the earth below
Why l'm so in love
And why l love you so
Couldn't tell you though l try, dear
Just why, dear, l'm yours
When you went away
You left a glowing spark
Trying to be gay
ls whistling in the dark
l am only what you make me
Come take me
l'm yours
How happy
l would be to beg and borrow
Or sorrow with you
Even though l knew tomorrow
You'd say we were through
lf we drift apart
Then l'll be lost alone
Though you use my heart
For just a stepping stone
How can l help dreaming of you
l love you
l'm yours
You brought me out for this?
Take it easy, Frank.
Thank you. And now, ladies...
Thank you. All right, all right.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now l have a treat for you.
Something you're getting for nothing.
Did you ever hear of a fellow
named Jimmy Lyons?
For your information,
Jimmy Lyons is the fellow
that wrote one of the
greatest hits around today.
A song called ''For You''.
- ls he kidding?
- Give him a chance.
And it just so happens we have
Jimmy Lyons in our audience today.
Let's have him take a bow.
House lights!
- No, you!
- Me?
Come on, stand up,
take a bow. Don't be shy.
Get up. Come on.
Oh, lady! Lady!
Lady! Lady! Oh, lady!
Mr. Miller!
- Gee, you're strong.
- You're cute.
- l'm getting out of here!
- Oh, no!
Come on, let's get him to sing, huh?
Come on, applaud.
Go on. Don't be stuck up. Sing.
All right.
Nothing came out.
Hit it.
Ask the sky above
And ask the earth below
Why l'm so in love
And why l love you so
Couldn't tell you though l try, dear
Just why, dear
l'm yours
When you went away
You left a glowing spark
Trying to be gay
ls like whistling in the dark
l am only what you make me
What are you laughing at?
Say, what kind of a voice
do you have?
Until l was 1 8, l was a soprano.
Yeah, but then my mother
told me l was born a boy.
Don't tell me you were born.
What do you think,
l came from an egg?
No, the chicken would have buried it.
Ha-ha. Well, my mother loves me.
l'll bet she was disappointed,
l'll bet she wanted a child.
She got one! Look up the records.
l was born at the Mercy Hospital.
- What's the matter, were you sick?
- No, l wanted to be near my mother.
Mercy Hospital.
That's in Brooklyn, isn't it?
What's wrong with Brooklyn?
Any big men born in Brooklyn?
No, just babies.
How about ''For You''?
- For you? How about for me?
- No, what about it?
How about what?
''For You''.
- You said that!
- l know it.
What about it?
- Sing it.
- Sing what?
- ''For You''.
- l don't know it!
Well, ''Who's Your Little Whozis?''
None of your business!
No, l mean, sing it!
All right, but stop hollering.
- l'll start it.
- Go ahead.
Hit it.
Who's your little whozis?
Who's your little whozis?
Who's your turtledove?
Who's your turtledove?
Who's your little whozis?
- Who do you
- Who do you
You don't wanna help me?
Who's your little whatzis?
Who's your little whatzis?
That you're dreaming of
That you're dreaming of
Who's your little whozis?
Who do you love?
Who do you love?
Tell me who has you aflutter
Whenever they're passing by?
Melts your heart like butter
Oh, me! Oh, my! Say
- When you get the blueses
- When you get the blueses
Who you thinking of?
Who you thinking of?
Who's your little whozis?
Who do you...
Who do you...
- Who do you...
- Love, love!
Oh. Love
Gee, you're cute!
Where you gonna play next week?
What are you, a wise guy?
- Just listen to them!
- Don't you think you should have...?
- The fellow take a bow?
- Who?
- The fellow in the box.
- Oh, sure.
See what l mean.
lf you just keep punching...
l don't know whether
l'll let you book him now.
Come in.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Leo.
That's more like it.
Congratulations, Bill.
- You know Frank Darling here.
- Oh, hi, Frank.
- Mrs. Miller.
- Mrs. Miller, how do you do?
Well, Frank here wants to book you
on the Orpheum Circuit
for about ten or 1 2 weeks.
- What did l tell you, Mary?
- That's right.
You and what's-his-name.
- Who?
- The stooge in the box.
That's right. Where is he?
- Did you see him, Mary?
- No, dear.
- By the way, what's his name?
- What?
- What's his name?
- What's his name?
Well, no one told me.
l never saw him before.
That's fine. Leo...
How should l know,
l've never seen him before either.
- Somebody better find him.
- You're not kidding.
And when you do,
put a ring through his nose.
Gee, Ma, l didn't know
he was gonna ask me to sing.
And everybody laughed at me.
Now, don't worry. lt's all over.
l ran all the way home.
lt's a wonder l didn't get
runned over.
Theodore, it's done with.
Don't make a big thing of it.
Big thing of it.
You should see this guy, Ma!
Boy, if he ever got his hands on me,
he'd probably choke me to death.
Ma! Ma! The man. The man's coming!
Who's coming?
What are you talking about?
- The guy! Ma, the guy with the act!
- Theodore!
Oh, Ma, l gotta get out of here!
Ma. Ma, don't say nothing. Ma.
Theodore. What are you doing?
Don't say a word.
Give me your glasses, Ma.
He won't know me.
- Coming!
- Theodore, where are you?
Wrong apartment.
- Does Ted Rogers live here?
- Ted Rogers?
Mother, didn't Ted say he was going
to South America this afternoon?
Oh, who do we know there?
Yes, that's right.
Yes, he left this afternoon.
Fine boy, fine boy, that Ted.
Smart as a whip.
Hey, what are you trying to do?
You wouldn't hit a man wearing
his mother's glasses, would you?
Now, look...
Why, Uncle Sholum,
how did you get here?
- No, Ma, it's me, Theodore!
- Oh.
Now, look here, mister, it wasn't my
fault those people laughed at me.
You should never have
got me to stand up
and you shouldn't have had them
put that light on me.
l didn't mean to...
- Well, l apologize.
- You apologize?
And you don't have to give me
the $6 for the cab back, even.
Oh, l nearly forgot. l brought it
over for you. There you are.
- Oh, thank you.
- And here's your cap.
No, look, l had the orchestra
play the song up high
so the people would laugh at you.
l had it planned that way.
- You wanted they should laugh at me?
- Sure.
You hear that, Ma?
l was supposed to be funny.
Look, how much does
Mr. Robertson pay you a week?
Oh, 1 5 dollars a week.
But l owe him for the glass
in the office,
and l owe him for the glass
in the bookcase,
and this week, l think
for three stacks of records.
Mom, take a look at a
$40-a-week man, all expenses paid.
- What?
- That's right.
l'm paying you 40 dollars a week
and expenses. You're working for me.
Now, look here, sir, l am not
going to do anything dishonest,
even for that kind of money!
No, you do exactly
what you did today.
- Sit in the box and say those things?
- Right.
- Do l get to sing?
- You bet.
- Even if l sing, l still get paid?
- Well, sure.
l'll ask him.
Mister, my mother and l
would like to know something.
- Yes?
- Are you for real?
Yeah, l'm for real.
We got a deal, kid?
- We got a deal.
- OK.
Here, save the gags for the act.
Well, l guess the only thing that
can come between us is dough.
Hey, how many of those carrots
you eat before going to bed?
Oh, lots of them.
They're very good for your eyes.
Good for your eyes?
Sure. Did you ever see
a rabbit with glasses?
- Oh, you want one?
- No, thank you.
l've never been away
from home before.
l don't know whether my mother
was crying because she was happy
or because she was upset.
You know, you have
a wonderful wife, Mr. Miller.
She's so beautiful and so nice.
Aren't you gonna brush your teeth
before you go to bed?
Well, of course.
Mr. Miller, there's crooks
on the train!
- What do you mean?
- Well, somebody stole the sink!
l better go tell the conductor.
They'll make us pay for it.
Take it easy. All you do is press the
button, pull the handle and it's there.
Oh, Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!
Mr. Miller!
Oh, Mr. Miller!
You'd better get to bed
before you drown yourself.
Good night, Mr. Miller.
You, go up there.
You, up there.
Well, how am l supposed
to get up there?
Use the steps. Use the steps.
Put this up there.
- Mr. Miller?
- Yes?
How do you put these lights out?
There's a switch up there, kid.
Use it.
- Mr. Miller.
- What?
How far are we from New York?
Oh, l don't know. About 200 miles.
- Gee, l'm homesick.
- No, that's just the carrots.
No. From carrots, l get nauseous.
l'm just lonely.
Mr. Miller, my mother sings
me to sleep.
l am not your mother.
lsn't that silly?
l know you're not my mother
because my mother's a woman,
and you don't look
anything like my mother.
Besides, my mother
isn't married to Mary.
That's the most ridiculous thing
l ever heard, Mr. Miller.
You could no more be
my mother than...
All right, go to sleep. l'll sing to you.
Gee, thanks.
With my eyes wide open
l'm dreaming
Can it be true
l'm holding you
Close to my heart?
With my eyes wide open
l'm dreaming
You're with me now
Sharing a vow
Never to part
l'm so afraid to close my eyes
Afraid that l'll find
This lovely thrill is just
A silly illusion
With my eyes wide open
l'm dreaming
Do l deserve such a break?
Pinch me to prove l'm awake
l can't believe that you're really
l feel a song coming on
And l'm warning you, it's a victorious
Happy and glorious strain
l feel a song coming on
lt's a melody full of the laughter
Of children out after the rain
- And now
- And now
- That our troubles are gone
- That our troubles are gone
Let those heavenly drums
Go on drumming
'Cause l feel a song coming on
Now, you'll be all right.
Hi, Pop. Did Mr. Miller get back
from the party yet?
He sure did.
Bill. l got him.
- There you are.
- Take your hands off of me.
l'll take care of him, Pop.
How much time we got?
About six minutes. Heinz is on now.
We don't have much time.
We gotta work fast.
- Let go of me...
- l'll get some black coffee.
Come on, stop. l know it,
l gotta get dressed and l gotta go on.
Don't ''shush'' me.
What, are you taking over?
What, are you head man
or something?
Bill, take it easy, Bill, will you?
Snap out of it.
- We're going on in five minutes.
- l'm ready right now.
Here, l'll help you.
l'll help you dress, Bill.
- Here's the coffee.
- Oh, thank you.
- Coffee, Mr. Winston?
- No. Fine.
- Stewed to the gills.
- Oh, no, sir. He's just tired.
Tired? He's paralyzed.
Tell Heinz to stall. Hurry up.
- Come on, snap out of it, Bill.
- Rogers, he'll never make it.
You'll have to go out there alone
and do something.
Me, alone? l can't. What'll l do?
Do anything.
You're an actor, aren't you?
l am?
What're you gonna do with that?
Well, in case anyone throws anything,
l can hide behind it.
Gee, Mr. Winston, l'm sorry about
Mr. Miller. He's never...
- What is it?
- Heinz stole three more bows.
- He can't stall any longer.
- Come on, boy.
He's never done that before.
l don't think you know
what you're doing.
Never mind. Get out there.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
l call you ladies and gentlemen.
You know what you are.
l know you're out there.
l can hear you breathing.
Stop that!
You're not supposed to laugh at me.
l'm not Bill Miller. He sings like a bird.
l sing like a bird too, a vulture.
l said, stop it.
You're not supposed to laugh at me.
l only came out here to tell you
what Bill Miller does.
He tells a lot of funny jokes,
like the one about living over at
the hotel. He has a beautiful room.
l have one too,
that overlooks the park.
As a matter of fact,
it overlooks it completely.
lt's a lot like from where
l come from, in Brooklyn.
l come from a very tough
neighborhood in Brooklyn.
l was sort of head of the block.
Yeah, they all called me ''Blockhead''.
Would you like to hear me
sing a song?
Would you please play
some music for me?
Wait a minute.
Hey, you. Where do you think
you're going, mister? Sit down, there.
- You can't walk out of here.
- But l have...
No, you can't walk out on Bill Miller's
act, even when he isn't acting.
What do you want to do,
give us a bad name? Sit down.
- But l have to...
- Oh, l don't care. You sit down there.
There too. Now, you stay there,
and nobody else try and walk out of
the theater, while l sing for Bill Miller.
Where's my accordion?
Don't shush, quiet me.
l've got to go on there.
You're on now, and doing great.
Every little breeze
Seems to whisper ''Louise''
Birds in the trees seem
To twitter ''Louise''
Each little rose
Tells me it knows
l love you
Love you
Every little beat
That l feel in my heart
Seems to repeat
What l felt from the start
Each little sigh
Tells me that l
Adore you, Louise
Just to see and hear you
Brings joy l never knew
But to be so near you
Thrills me through and through
Anyone can see
Why l wanted your kiss
lt had to be
But the wonder is this
Can it be true
Someone like you
Someone like you
Could love me
- Where's Bill?
- Bill's OK.
- Smoke?
- No, thanks. They make me cough
- even when l look at them.
- Say, you're a pretty funny fellow.
- What's your name?
- Rogers. Ted Rogers.
l've been wondering.
l didn't see you billed anywhere.
- Oh, l don't care.
- You make the act.
- How much does he pay you a week?
- Enough.
Does he get plastered
like this very often?
He never gets plastered,
and he ain't plastered now.
Boy, you sure are touchy.
l'm just trying to pay you a compliment.
l figured that sometime if you ever get
tired of no dough and no billing,
- you can always...
- Now, wait a minute, Mr. Heinz,
you can't say anything
against Bill Miller.
He took me out of a stockroom, see?
l was only getting $1 5 a week, see?
- But l'm only trying to...
- And now l'm getting $40, see?
- How are you, Bill?
- Get your hands away from me.
You know where you're going?
You're going back to Brooklyn.
That's where you're going.
Back to Brooklyn.
- Take it easy, Bill.
- Get your hands away from me.
l know what l'm doing.
Take it easy.
He's resting.
Boy, can he use it.
Do you think we should call
a doctor or something?
Why not use a blotter? l'll call a cab.
Thanks. Mr. Winston... won't tell anybody...
...that he was sick, will you?
Don't worry, l've had actors
getting sick on me before.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Good thing you went out there.
You sure you never did
a single before?
l never did nothing before...
...and l'm never gonna
do nothing again.
Just a minute.
Just a minute, buddy.
What do you think you're doing?
Just a second, buddy.
What do you think you're doing...?
Well, shut up.
l'm having enough trouble.
Hello. Hello. Who?
- l feel like a feather in the breeze
- No, he isn't in. Wait just a minute.
Hello? Mary?
Hello, how are you?
Just a minute. Just a minute.
Hello, Mary, how are you?
This is Ted.
Hello, Ted. Fine, thanks.
Say, l've bean reading about you.
Oh, yeah.
- ls Bill there?
- Bill? Oh, he's fine.
- ls he out?
- ls he out?
Yeah, he's out.
Oh, l mean, he's out playing a benefit,
Mary, for some society.
Yeah, he's fine.
All right, l'll tell him.
All right, Mary. Bye.
Good night.
''Sensational. Bill Miller,
exclusive management, Leo Lyman.''
That's a beautiful ad,
and the picture looks just like you.
What did Mary say last night?
Oh, nothing. l mean, she just wanted
to know how you were,
et cetera, and so forth.
- What did you say?
- l said that you hadn't come in yet,
that you were playing a benefit.
Oh, you mean you covered for me?
l hope l didn't say the wrong thing.
- Wrong thing?
- You're not mad?
- No, l'm not mad. Thanks.
- We're friends?
We're friends.
- Get that, will you, kid?
- Yeah.
- What happened?
- My leg fell asleep.
- Hello.
- Surprise.
Well, Leo, what's the good word?
l was gonna send you a wire
but l figured it would be better
if l came down myself to Pittsburgh
to tell you the good news.
You know, you're not the only
one that's a ham.
The Palace, New York.
That's right. Next Thursday.
Oh, boy, now my mother can come
and see me for free.
Oh, yes, there's another thing,
in case you're forgetting it.
- Thursday is also Mary's birthday.
- That's right.
What other agent could arrange
for things like that?
How did you arrange to have
Mary born on Thursday?
Give me the coat.
- Let go. Let go.
- l'm not touching it.
Are you crazy?
You sewed it to the jacket.
l'm sorry, Mr. Miller.
lt'll only take a second.
l'm sure glad you reminded me
of Mary's birthday.
Listen, kid, when you get that button
straight, send this off to Mary.
- And send some roses too.
- Yes, sir.
Leo, let's get some coffee
and talk money.
How could you find a subject
so close to my heart?
''Mrs. Bill Miller, 1 1 5 East 54th Street,
New York, New York.
''Home for your birthday.
Big surprise. Bill.''
''Darling Mary.
''Home for your birthday.
Big surprise.
''l love you. Bill.
''Love from the kid.''
All right, open your eyes.
Happy birthday.
Oh, Bill, what a wonderful present.
You're playing the Palace.
- l'm so proud of you.
- And they said l couldn't do a single.
Well, there you are.
Oh, by the way, honey,
l want you to have
a big birthday party tonight.
lnvite all the guys that said l couldn't
make it, and some of your friends.
- How about that?
- That's fine, just fine.
Oh, and l have something else, Mary.
l wrote a song for you on the train.
l wrote the words.
Bill wrote the music.
''A Girl Named Mary''.
Why, thank you, Ted. l know l'll love it.
Come on, let's go, Mary.
- Oh, yes.
- Come on, kid.
- William.
- Well, Ben.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Ben.
- What are you doing here?
- Here's where l lost you.
Here's where l pick you up again.
Hello, Ted.
You've developed into
quite an actor.
Look, Mary, l'm going back to take
a look at my dressing room.
- Now, you stay here with Ben.
- All right.
When l come back, l'll buy you lunch.
Come on, kid.
Wanna tell Uncle Ben?
Well, don't you think he should have
Ted's name around here somewhere?
Well, you know, l've got a sneaking
feeling he's saving that grand gesture
until he's a big hit
here at the Palace.
- You really think so?
- Sure.
Yeah, this looks all right.
Put the stuff here.
Now, get some lunch
and l'll see you later, kid.
Thank you.
Come in.
- Oh...
- Hello, handsome.
Gee, l'm glad you made good.
- ls that so?
- Sure. l've been following your tour.
- What for?
- Because l think you're cute.
Why isn't your picture in the lobby?
You're pretty fresh, ain't you?
How did you get in here?
l told the doorman l was your girl.
My girl. What are you trying to do,
ruin me? You get out of here.
lt ain't right for you to be
in my dressing room.
l mean, Mr. Miller's dressing room.
OK, l'm going.
But when you start thinking about girls,
l want you to think about me.
- l ain't gonna think about girls.
- You shave, don't you?
Yeah, l started to shave.
You'll be thinking about them.
So long.
Hello, handsome. Hello, handsome.
Hello, handsome. Hello, handsome.
Come with me to the Casbah.
Come with me to the Casbah.
''Hi, cutie, in case you want to return
this handbag,
''my phone number is Dewey 6-9098.
''My address is
642 Greenpoint Avenue.
''You take the shuttle at 42nd Street,
''change at Grand Central Station,
''take Williamsburg subway
to Brooklyn.
''Get off at Havenhurst.
Then walk three blocks south.
''Second apartment house on the left,
third floor on the right.
''And if you get lost,
ask a policeman.
''But for the next hour, l'll be in
the drugstore around the corner.''
- Hey, wait a minute!
- What is it?
Don't you want your soda?
This is a very funny way for a lady
to try and meet a fellow,
leave her purse on the seat
and then come next door...
Well, l just wanted to meet you.
Well, why don't you get
yourself introduced?
Oh, excuse me.
My name's Jennie Tait
and this fellow's name is...
What did you say your name was?
Ted Rogers.
Would you please introduce us?
- Mr. Rogers?
- Yeah?
May l present Miss Genevieve Tait.
Pleased to meet you.
Now, will you have your soda?
How did you know l like chocolate?
Did anyone ever tell you
you're adorable?
Well, you are.
You might not believe this,
but l was a very ugly child.
Stop looking at the watch, Mary.
He'll be here.
Look at the kid.
Oh, Frecklehead... l mean, Miss Tait,
this is Mrs. Miller
and this is Mr. Lyman.
- Did l do it all right?
- You certainly did.
- Happy to know you, Miss Tait.
- Hello.
Her name is really Genevieve,
but l think it best we all call her
- OK, Frecklehead.
- Frecklehead.
ls it all right that l brought her
to the party?
Of course. l'm delighted to have her.
l'm glad of that, Mrs. Miller.
Congratulations on your birthday.
Why, thank you. Have a nice time.
Thank you, we will.
Genevieve... Frecklehead.
- Gee, she's nice.
- And pretty.
You're pretty too.
- Did you always have freckles?
- Yes, and l hate them.
l think they're very becoming.
lt just goes to show what you know.
What do you wanna do,
start something?
l'm sorry, Leo.
You know he wouldn't stay away
unless it was someone
or something very important, Mary.
lt's always someone or something.
Leo, you've known him for so long.
Why is he so thoughtless of everyone?
He's just going through
a stage now, Mary.
He just hit ''Ol' Man River'' success,
and maybe the water's a little bit
too deep for him.
But don't worry.
They all come ashore.
l know this is just ambition.
Down deep inside,
there's a wonderful, sweet guy.
l found it once
and l'll bring it out again.
Oh, l'm sorry. Let's have a drink.
To Mary and Bill.
He wouldn't like the billing.
This is where l live.
...good night.
l had a wonderful time.
Well, good night. l'll see you.
l hope so.
Thanks for everything.
That's all right.
Frecklehead, you know l...
- l wonder...
- Yes?
Well, l never kissed
a girl before, and...
- Well...
- You never what?
You heard me. l never kissed a girl
before in my whole life.
- You're sure?
- Sure, l'm sure.
- Never mind.
- Just a minute.
- l'm never gonna do that again.
- Did it do something to you?
lt had no effect on me whatsoever.
l'm sorry l missed the party, honey,
but l couldn't help it.
Oh, Mary, please don't cry.
l love you, honey. Honest, l do.
But l was so excited. l want to tell you
about Sutherland and everything.
l don't care about you
or Sutherland or anyone.
But he wants me in the revue, honey.
He gave me a contract to look over.
Here, look under the door.
l'll show it to you.
- OK.
- What's the matter?
She locked me out.
Really? ls that legal?
l'm sorry. You don't have to get sore.
l was just asking.
You know, you may not think that
in this head anything can happen,
but it can. l got an idea. Listen.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
l'm sorry.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a new song written by
two very talented boys,
especially for the birthday
of Mrs. Bill Miller.
The world looks rosy
Up on Sweetheart Hill
For a girl named Mary
And a boy named Bill
''Come on, get cozy''
Says the whippoorwill
To a girl named Mary
And a boy named Bill
Where there's a sky
That's full of moonlight
And a Mary full of charms
There ought to be a William
Snuggled in her arms
So if l kiss you
And l think l will
Believe me, it's the only thing
To do
For you're my Mary
And l'm your Bill
And it's wonderful
To be in love with you
Oh, Bill.
Mrs. Miller, we're going out
and celebrating.
- At this hour?
- Sure. l'll find a club open
- or l'll open one.
- Now, what would people say?
A big star seen out in public
with his own wife. lt's too normal.
We'll take Ted along
as a chaperone.
Oh, l can't help it, it's so romantic.
Waiter, some more
champagne, please.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me.
- Don't you think Ted's had enough?
- He's all right.
- Are you whispering about me?
- Oh, no. What gives you that idea?
l don't know.
Am l being very extraordinary?
''Hextraordinary'', that's a funny one.
How do you feel?
l feel very...
...glingglong, thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We don't usually do this,
but there's a young man
here l'd like to have you meet.
He's just scored a terrific hit
at the Palace Theatre. Mr. Bill Miller!
Thank you.
Excuse me, will you, honey?
Thank you, Tommy.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you,
but this isn't my night at all.
We have a young lady in the audience
who's celebrating her birthday.
And by a very strange coincidence,
l have written a new song,
especially for her.
And maybe we can get her up here
to sing this song.
She happens to be my wife,
and also the great
Sutherland Revue star,
Miss Mary Turner.
- Hiya, Big Shot.
- Hiya, Heinz.
Pardon me.
Mary, you say something sensational
to the people
and l'll talk with the piano player.
Thank you. lt's very gracious
of my husband
to ask me to sing a song, particularly
this song, ''A Girl Named Mary''.
Music by Bill Miller,
words by Ted Rogers.
- The world looks rosy
- Oh, what a rosy-colored hue
- Up on Sweetheart Hill
- Even a cabaret will do
- For a girl named Mary
- Mary is what l answer to
And a boy named Bill
Well, what do you know,
that must be you
- ''Come on, get cozy''
- Oh, what a wonderful idea
- Says the whippoorwill
- How did he ever get in here?
- To a girl named Mary
- My, what a most peculiar sky
- And a boy named Bill
- Pardon me, did you drop a sigh?
Where there's a sky
That's full of moonlight
And a Mary full of charms
There really ought to be a William
- Right!
- Snuggled in her arms
- So if l kiss you
- What makes you think you won't?
- And l think that l will
- You're crazy if you don't
Believe me, it's the only thing to do
So true
For you're my Mary
And you're my Bill
Your Bill
And it's wonderful
To be in love with you
Hello, Heinz.
Oh, you'd better not drink any more.
lf l want to celebrate for my pal Bill,
l can celebrate.
This is for your own good.
Come over here with me.
l want to tell you something, alone.
Come on, come on, come on.
Believe me, it's the only thing do
- For you're my Mary
- Mary, yes
And you're my Bill
And it's wonderful
To be in love
With you
- Where's Ted?
- l don't know.
Look, get smart, will you, kid?
lf anything happens to you, your pal
Bill, he's gonna starve to death.
Why, he's nothing but a third-rate,
broken-down ham.
Hey, what happened?
Are you all right, kid?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
He never touched me.
l took care of him pretty good.
You were wonderful.
Yeah, but l had to hold back a little.
l didn't want to hurt him too bad.
- Sure, sure.
- Here, off with the coat.
- Come on.
- Off with the coat.
A girl named Mary
ls not contrary
- l'll turn the covers down.
- She'll turn the covers down.
- You'll go right to bed.
- Bed? What's playing there?
You think l'm drunk.
Well, as they say in the Klondike,
- ''Fara-a-lito-garn-a-lendo.''
- Garn-a-lendo.
You know what that means?
''Stinking drunk.''
- So let's have a little drink.
- Oh, no, oh, no. You're going to bed.
- Going to bed?
- Sure, you're going to bed.
l don't know anybody in bed.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Here we go...
- Come on, come on.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- That's a wonderful song.
- Oh, a beautiful song.
A boy named Mary
And a girl called Joe
- Joe?
- That's a wonderful song.
Bill love Mary?
That's right.
Mary love Bill?
That's right.
Because l love the both of you.
Don't you believe me?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Bill, you're the luckiest fellow
in the whole world
- because Mary loves you.
- Yeah, l'm lucky.
lf Mary loved me,
l wouldn't ever leave her.
- l wouldn't either.
- Never leave her.
l'll never leave her.
Even if l was on the stage,
l wouldn't ever leave her.
And l know that.
Because Mary's wonderful, Bill.
- You're wonderful, Mary.
- Thank you, Ted.
Yeah, Mary's a champ.
And you'll never ever
you'll leave her?
l'll never you'll ever you'll leave her.
- You're sure, Bill?
- l'm sure, Bill.
- No, l'm Ted.
- Yeah.
A girl named Mary
- Wake up.
- l'm up.
- Come on.
- l'm up.
- Get up. Come on, let's go.
- All right.
- Let's go, Ted.
- Let's go, Ted.
- Come on, Ted, let's go.
- Let's go.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- No, here we go.
- Here we go.
- Come on, here we go. Wake up.
- Come on, here we go.
- Come on. Here we go.
- Here we go.
- All right, now, are you OK?
- Here we go.
OK. Ted. Here we go.
Come on, now.
- What's the matter?
- What's that?
Oh, that's your head. That's OK.
Now, stay right there. Hold it.
Here's some coffee. lt'll fix you up.
Ted! Here we go, now! Come on, up.
- Upsy-daisy, here we go.
- Oh, my head!
That's mine.
Now, come on. l gotta see Sutherland
and l'm late now.
- Oh, who?
- Sutherland.
- Now, come on, let's go.
- All right.
- Are you all right? OK!
- OK.
- You sure you're all right?
- l'm sure l'm all right.
- You feel fine?
- l feel fine.
- You feel OK?
- l feel OK.
- All right.
- All right. l'm OK. l'm OK!
Sorry, gentlemen.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Sutherland.
lt looks OK to me, Bill.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- Where do l sign?
- Right here.
Don't you want to read it first?
Check on your salary?
There'll be no checks.
l want all my money in cash.
l'm nervous.
- What's my name?
- Ted Rogers.
l forgot.
Excuse me, Mr. Sutherland,
but could l use your phone, please?
Thank you. Here.
Hello, operator, would you be good
enough to get me Greenpoint 7-99 70?
Hello, Ma! Hey, Ma, look at me.
l'm in Mr. Sutherland's Revue.
No! No, Ma, l'll keep my clothes on.
And a boy named Bill
- Well, hi.
- Hi. What's all the excitement?
Oh, l... What are you hiding?
What is that?
Oh, it's just a telegram
from C.B. Cochran in London.
He wants me to star
in his new revue,
just in case you think
l'm an old has-been.
Well, you tell Mr. Cochran
to go peddle his papers.
Happy day-after-your-birthday.
Oh, Bill!
This must have cost a fortune!
Well, you know
what everybody says:
''Money isn't everything,
and l'm the guy that keeps proving it.''
You know something?
You've got your arms around a guy
who's gonna star
in Sutherland's Revue.
Signed, sealed and delivered
this afternoon.
- Ted too?
- Well, sure.
Everywhere l go, Ted goes too.
- l hope so.
- What do you mean, ''l hope so''?
Well, l...
l thought after you opened
at the Palace
it would've been nice if you'd
given him some kind of recognition.
Look, honey, will you leave the kid
to me? l know how to handle him.
He's happy, l'm happy, you're happy.
We're a big hit.
l guarantee l'll always take care
of the kid.
You promise?
You won't ever treat him like a...
- Like a what?
- You know...
Like a nobody. A stooge.
l promise.
A boy named Mary
And a girl named Bill
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello, Ted.
Listen, l wanted to
ask you something.
Since the both of you are practically
my mother and my father
and l wouldn't do a thing
without consulting you,
and after we open
and we're a big hit...
After we open and we're a big hit,
and after l'm married,
what should l do,
buy a house or rent an apartment?
Well, whom are you going to marry?
Whom am l going to marry?
l am going to marry
Miss Genevieve Tait.
Frecklehead, that's whom.
Well, l suggest you ask
Miss Frecklehead
whether she'd rather live
in a house or an apartment.
Oh, no, l have to disagree
with you there, Mary,
because l feel it is
the husband's place to decide.
She's gonna live there with you.
She is? l mean, she is.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Would you do me a favor, Mary?
- lf l can.
The next time you see Frecklehead,
will you ask her to ask me
to ask her to marry her?
Because l'm gonna ask her.
- Well, l'll do my best.
- Gee, thanks, Mary. Bye.
My best too.
- Frecklehead?
- Yes?
- l wanted to ask you...
- Yes?
Well, l thought that maybe
you and me could...
- l mean, if the two of us were...
- Yes?
How about it?
Not until you ask me.
Would you consider marrying
a fellow who sits up in a box?
Well, what are you bawling about?
Try it on.
Go ahead, try it on.
l'd love to marry you...
...but l gotta tell you something first.
Can't you tell me
after we're married?
No, it's very important.
l think you're a big dope
because you're letting Bill Miller
make a fool of you.
- Wait a minute!
- l won't wait a minute!
He's making a fool of you!
Frecklehead, Bill Miller is my friend.
And besides, whatever we do
is no business of yours!
lf l'm gonna marry you,
it's a lot of my business!
Well, wait until
after we're married, then!
- Curtain going up.
- First aisle to the right.
- Curtain going up.
- Straight ahead, please.
First aisle to the right.
Well, l'm happy, so happy
When you're near
My troubles just disappear
As soon as you're by my side
Well, l'm satisfied
l feel like a feather in the breeze
Having my fun, kissing the sun
And it's because you're the one
So l'm singing
Like the birdies in the trees
And feeling like a feather
Feeling like a feather
Feeling like a feather in the breeze
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
lf there's any song you'd like to hear,
just call it out and l'd be glad
to do it for you.
- ''Just One More Chance''.
- What?
''Just One More Chance'', and l'd like
to hear you play it on that zither.
''Thither''? This isn't a zither.
- No? Then what ith it?
- What ith it?
- Well, thith ithn't a thither.
- Yeth, what ith it?
Thith ith a... Thith ith...
Now he's got me doing it.
This is an ltalian lavaliere.
This is a burden around my neck.
You know what a burden is,
don't you?
Sure. A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush.
Ladies and gentlemen,
l'd like to sing a song...
- Thanks for the warning.
- Hear, hear.
l'll have you know that my aunt gave
me $1 0,000 to cultivate my voice.
- Just one more chance
- Hey. Hey. Hey!
- To...
- Hey!
- What is it?
- You said your aunt gave you $1 0,000
- to cultivate your voice?
- That's right.
What did you do with the money?
You still wanna hear
''Just One More Chance''?
Yeah, and l'd like to hear it today.
- You like my playing?
- Sure, cut the cards.
l mean, do you like the music?
Oh, it's fine. All you need now
is a monkey and a tin cup.
Come around tomorrow,
l have the tin cup.
Look, you keep this up
and l'm gonna have you evicted.
- What's the matter?
- You said a dirty word!
l only said ''evicted''.
You said it again!
- You keep this up and l'm gonna...
- Don't you say that word again!
lt only means ''ejected''.
That's dirtier than the other one!
That does it. Usher!
- Get him out of here...
- You're not gonna let me sing?
Why don't you stop it? lf you have
any talent, come on down here.
OK. lt's easier looking
at the audience than at you.
Get off the stage.
l hope you're satisfied with the way
you embarrassed me
in front of everybody.
Lookit, the whole audience
is staring at me.
Stare back at them.
No, better they stare at you.
Go on, get off the stage,
and take this with you.
- All right, l'll go.
- Get off.
- But you'll be sorry.
- Get off!
- l'll get even with you.
- Get off the stage!
l don't know how or when,
but l will, boy.
Just one more chance
To prove it's you alone l care for
Each night l say a little prayer for
Just one more chance
l'm busy!
l've learned the meaning
Of repentance
Now you're the jury at my trial
l know that l should serve
My sentence
Still l'm hoping all the while
You'll give me
Just one more word
l said that l was glad
To start out
But now l'm back
To cry my heart out
For just one more chance
Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller,
get me down! Help me down!
Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!
- Just one more chance
- Look what l got for you.
To prove it's you alone l care for
l picked it just for you
out of my garden
Each night l say a little prayer for
Look at all the trouble
l went through to get it
Just one more chance
Just one more night
To taste the kisses that enchant me
- l'd want no others if you'd grant me
- What?
Just one more chance
l've learned the meaning
Of repentance
l'm glad because l spoke
to the fellows last year
and how they felt...
- Now, you're the jury at my trial
- Your Honor, this man had a murder...
l know that l should serve
My sentence
lt's gonna be all right, Rockie.
You gotta have faith in your attorney
l spoke to Fred Sunday and he said
if he can get you out...
Still l'm hoping all the while
You'll give me
What, what?
- Just one more word
- Word.
Spelled backwards, ''Drow''.
Spelled backwards, ''Drow''.
l said that l was glad
To start out
- What made you come back?
- Well, Mother said if l came back,
she'd give me the car, so l...
But now l'm back
To cry my heart out
l know how you feel. Don't cry,
because it's those feelings
of a man who certainly...
Oh, just one more chance
l hear you talking, babe
Say just one more chance
l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
Excuse me.
- How are they?
- How are they, how are they?
Wait till you see
what they said about me.
Look at this.
''New Revue Smash Hit.''
Here. ''One of the highlights
of the evening was the box act
''of Bill Miller and Ted Rogers.
''lt's a long time since Broadway
has seen a fellow
''as funny as the man in the box.
''And, incidentally,
though he wasn't billed anywhere
''in the theater last night,
his name is Ted Rogers.
''Make a note, everybody:
Ted Rogers.''
Well, how about a drink, everybody?
That's a good idea.
Go ahead, Bill, you make the toast.
l'd like to propose a toast
to a wonderful guy:
Mr. Sutherland.
Well, anyone like to dance
with an agent?
Yes, l'd love to.
Hello, Mary. Sit down.
What's on your mind?
Leo, do you think Bill
has any intention
of putting Ted's name up
and recognizing him as a partner?
l don't either.
Never found that sweet, wonderful
guy underneath, after all, huh, Mary?
Maybe there is a nice guy underneath,
but l'm tired of digging.
- lt's Bill. He's outside.
- l don't want him to know l'm here.
Just a minute. Come in here.
All right, send him in.
Well, Leo, looks like l hit the jackpot.
You ever read such reviews?
Tell you what l want, Leo:
Full page ads, back page.
Variety, Billboard, all the trade papers
in the country. Shoot the works.
Full-page picture of me...
- What about the kid?
- What about him?
l think you ought to have his picture
and his name on the ads,
- right alongside of yours.
- Well, l don't.
Everybody else does: critics,
all your friends, even your wife.
Look, Leo, no critic's gonna tell me
how to run my business.
Neither are my friends or my wife.
This is my act. Bill Miller, single-O.
The kid's all right.
Nobody likes him better than l do.
There's something you wise guys
don't understand.
Once that kid's name is mentioned,
then he's no more part of the audience.
And when that happens,
he stops being funny.
You're right, and l'd agree with you
1 00 percent
if the kid was an ordinary stooge.
But he's not.
He's half your act.
Sure, and he's gone over that way
because he's still a member
of the audience. Unknown.
Look, Bill, you're a phenomenon.
l've handled hundreds of actors
in my time but you take all the prizes.
You're a ham with a double M.
- What's that?
- lt's our contract.
- Are you serious?
- Yep.
l woke up this morning
and it suddenly occurred to me,
you have to let the other fellow live.
Unless you do,
the whole thing is nothing.
All my life, l've wanted to do one thing
as a matter of principle.
Well, today, l am a man.
That was a mighty pretty speech
you just made.
- What's going on here?
- But yours wasn't.
Your little speech was petty
and kind of cheap.
l'm surprised you didn't cancel him
a long time ago, Leo.
Well, if that's the way he feels,
l don't need him.
You're right, Bill.
You don't need him, either.
And every day it'll be someone else
you don't need.
And one night, you'll be
sitting around all by yourself
in front of a pile
of your own photographs.
Well, from now on, you may consider
our contract at an end.
Mary, you don't mean that.
Well, what's the matter with you?
- Oh, nothing.
- Come on. What is it?
- l don't know if l should say it.
- Go ahead and say it.
What are you gonna do
about Mary, Bill?
- You got any ideas?
- No.
Except l don't think you ought to
let her go away.
- lt's a free country, isn't it?
- Sure, Bill.
But she loves you,
and if there's something wrong,
l think you ought to go to her
and try and straighten it out.
Maybe it's none
of my business, but...
That's right.
lt's none of your business.
- Yeah, maybe it's not.
- So shut up.
You know, l think you had
a lot to do with Mary leaving me.
Oh, don't say that, Bill.
All that stuff about
anything l do is OK with you.
l knock my brains out trying
to make something of myself.
And you, you with
your checkered suit.
What do l get for it?
You're talking crazy, Bill.
You shouldn't be thinking that way.
- l don't like to hear it.
- You don't like it?
Well, that's tough. l don't like it.
l'm sick and tired
of looking at you anyway.
You really mean that?
OK, Bill.
l'll move out of
the apartment tonight.
That makes two of us.
Bye, Bill.
Don't drink too much.
Remember, you've got
a show to do tonight.
You bet l've got a show to do.
l'll show everybody.
Gee, Mary, l wish you weren't
going to Europe.
Thanks, Frecklehead,
but it'll be good for me to get away.
Doctors say
nothing like an ocean voyage...
- Answer it, please.
- Sure.
Oh, just a minute, Mr. Sutherland.
lt's Sutherland.
l'll take it.
Hello, Mr. Sutherland.
Mary, l hate to bother you,
but we've quite a problem.
Bill's insisting upon going on,
but there's no Ted.
He and the kid have broken up.
l can't find him anywhere.
And Bill wants to do a single.
Bill's all right. He's just been trying
to prove something
since the day he was born.
Mr. Sutherland,
would you do me one big favor?
Let Bill do his single.
But, Mary, that's too risky.
One act would never make or break
the Sutherland Revue,
but it might make or break
a great guy.
Please, Mr. Sutherland. For me?
For his sake? Let him go on.
So this panhandler walked
over to me and said,
''l haven't had a bite in three days.''
So l bit him.
Which reminds me, l was standing
in front of the Hotel Astor...
That's where l live,
in front of the Hotel Astor...
When my wife came up
to see me.
You know, my wife and l
were gonna get a divorce,
but we couldn't figure out who got
the custody of her mother.
Which reminds me, l took my
mother-in-law to the beach,
but the only thing that got sunburned
was her tongue.
Ladies and gentlemen,
l want to apologize.
This is the Sutherland Revue...
...which is supposed to bring you
the finest entertainment
that can be offered.
You've heard of an act, Bill Miller.
And Bill Miller is me.
But l'm only half an act.
The fellow that made the act work
is a little guy by the name of...
...Ted Rogers.
And he isn't here tonight.
l can play an accordion
and sing a song.
But l need that spark,
that something...
...the chemistry that makes two men
a successful team.
l've bored you,
and l've imposed upon you.
l've done an injustice
to an audience.
This is the biggest sin
in show business.
To be a ham.
l humbly apologize.
- Who's your little whozis?
- None of your business...
Who's your turtledove?
Who's your turtledove?
- Who's your turtledove?
- Who's your turtledove?
Who's your little whozis?
Who do you love?
You mean you finally learned
the words?
Listen to this.
Who's your little whatzis?
Not bad, huh?
That you're dreaming of
l've been paying attention too.
Who's your little whozis?
Who do you love?
- Take it, boy.
- No, you take it.
Tell me who has you aflutter
Whenever they're passing by
Melts your heart like butter
Oh, me, oh, my
Say, when you get the blueses
When you get the blueses
- Who you thinking of?
- Who you thinking of?
- Who's your little whozis?
- Who's your little whozis?
Who do you love?
Who's your little whozis?
A girl named Mary
And a boy named Bill
Who's your turtledove?
- lt's so wonderful
- lt's so wonderful
- To be in love
- To be in love
- With you
- With you