The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962) Movie Script

Ever since the
beginning of time,
each generation has produced
extraordinary characters
of vast strength and courage.
Leif Erikson,
who led his hardy Norsemen
to the new world,
centuries before Columbus.
Joan of Arc who lived,
fought and died,
for her beloved France.
King Arthur,
who inspired all men
with his goodness,
tolerance and humility.
George Washington,
who fathered a country,
and became the
servant of it's people.
And yet,
of all the world's heroes,
not one ever matched the
superb strength of
that champion of truth
and justice,
the mighty Hercules.
Who it may surprise you,
would not be occupying
his vaunted place in history,
had he not been influenced,
by three strange individuals.
and Curly Joe.
Whose unique story,
up to now,
has been buried in the dust
and rubble of centuries.
And will be chronicled
for the first time,
in this document.
Our story of Hercules
properly begins in Ithaca.
But not this one.
This one.
In the state of New York.
Hey, Mop-head.
What are you doing?
I'm making a pepper-upper
for people who are pooped.
I'm gonna make a million dollars
and quit working for that grouse Dimsal.
Moe, you alright?
Say you're alright Moe.
Please say it Moe.
I'm alright.
What are you trying to do?
I'm making a super tranquilizer.
To calm people down after
they've taken Larry's pepper-upper.
Oh, a super tranquilizer.
Is it good for headaches?
Oh, yes.
Here's a super head-ache.
No, no, no.
It's only Schuyler next door.
Yeah, fooling around
with his invention again.
I'd better get over there
before he wrecks the whole store.
We'll clean up
while you're gone.
I don't know.
Maybe it's my ears ringing.
Well, hello, Moe.
Hi, Schuyler.
Everything under control now?
Oh yes, I hope my little
explosions didn't upset you.
They don't upset me, but what they're doing
to Dimsal's drug store is something else again.
I won't have any more trouble,
if I can just shorten the wavelength.
Here, why don't you snip
a piece off the end?
No. No thanks.
Moe, look.
I'm sure.
I've got it this time, I'm sure.
You're sure?
Any day now my space time
conveyor will be ready.
going back into time.
To the crusades.
Maybe, maybe even to the time
when they built the pyramids.
The pyramids, huh?
Well, Moe, I don't blame
you for being skeptical.
But now think about
this for a minute.
You see, Einstein's theory states
that time is not constant.
It's flexible.
-Uh, huh.
Well, it's quite simple really,
you see.
There's no longer any distinction
between three dimensional time and space.
And I'm merely working on
the theory that they're fused, see?
In a four dimensional
space-time continuum.
Ha, ha.
How about a cup of coffee?
Does Dimsal know that...
You boys are letting
me eat on credit?
Well, what he doesn't
know won't hurt him.
Come on,
Diane will be along any minute.
-Come on, come on Schuyler.
There's too much bokamotis!
You and your pepper-upper!
Try to turn it off.
I'll turn it off, right there.
Cut it out, would ya.
Cut it out.
How do you stop it?
What's going on here?
Shut that thing off!
Get rid of it!
What's the matter with you?
Hey, you!
Banana split.
-Yeah, I'm sorry Moe.
-That's alright kid.
Why, you!
-Oh, Larry.
Come on.
What's the matter with you?
My calm-down pills.
Did you see that?
It works!
My calm-down pills!
I've got it made.
I'm a success!
You were never a success
in anything but stupidity.
Now get a mop and a broom
and clean this up!
And you help him porcupine.
If the boss sees this he'll kill both of you!
And if he don't, I will!
Come on.
Thanks for the lift Mr. Dimsal.
Oh honey,
call me Ralph.
-Thank you Ralph.
-Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What am I, poison or something?
I'd rather not discuss it.
I know.
It's that Schuyler character.
That crackpot inventor.
He's not a crackpot.
He's a fine...
What in the Blazes?!
Davis, I warned you what would happen if
that cockeyed invention of yours damaged
any of my merchandise.
Now you're going to pay for this! Every bit of it!
Do you understand?
It was our fault.
-Yeah, the machine went haywire.
-Shut up!
I said he did it and he's gonna clean it up!
Now get going! After you're finished,
clean up this soda fountain!
You, come on, get going! Get out of here!
Get in the stockroom!
Get some more China!
But Mr. Dimsal, I...
You wanna make
something of it Davis?
Put up your dukes.
Is it true that you didn't
have anything to do with this?
Aw, it doesn't matter.
It does matter!
Unless you're a jellyfish.
Why fight over nothing?
And besides,
I'd just get the boys in trouble.
That's not the reason
and you know it.
Schuyler, why don't
you stand up to him?
I just didn't think it
was important, that's all.
That's the trouble with
you, nothing's important.
Not even me.
All you care about
is that silly invention.
It's not a silly invention,
and I've almost got it.
It's almost ready to go, honest.
Just two more
days and I'll have it.
-Two more days.
-That's what you said six months ago.
This time I mean it, honest.
I've got it, just two more days.
Alright. Two more days.
Then you, then you either give up that
stupid machine and get a regular job,
or you can forget about me.
For good!
I heard what she said. You better get going.
We'll clean the place up.
Oh, but, but Dimsal...
Go on, go on, go on, go on.
Gee, thanks guys.
I do have to pick up a deflection attenuator.
I know, we can't do without one of those.
Oh you have something left.
Well, fancy that.
Come on here.
What's the matter with you?
Here, have another cup.
Go on, get busy outside.
Go on!
He's not back yet.
How can he work in all this mess?
Utter confusion.
So, we'll clean it up.
Empty the wastebasket. Pick up
the stuff. Cob the cobwebs. Spread out!
Get moving here.
Hey, a leak to starboard.
Come on.
Making more mess
than anything else.
Oh Davis, you left your book...
That's why you boys
took off so early.
Oh, well, we, we thought we'd clean up his room,
so to give him more time to put on his invention.
He's only got two
days left to finish it.
Two days?
Well, he's never going to make it if he goes
according to these plans he left in the store.
You made he's got problems?
Ha, ha.
There, he's got his...
Anodes where his cathodes
aught to be, and his...
Cathodes where his
anodes ought to be.
Oh, so he has.
Oh, and look, this capillary magnetron.
I always told you boys that Davis
was a phony, now this proves it.
As a graduate engineer, I can tell you that
it would be tough for him
and three good men to get
this thing working in two days.
Hah! Two days.
What do you think Moe?
He has got it hooked up all wrong.
Any idiot can see that.
Well, you ought to know.
I mean you heard what Dimsal said.
He's got his cathawhatsis,
where his anawhosis ought to be.
I'd hate to see Schuyler lose out with Diane
just because he mixed up his anawhatsis, whosis...
Let's straighten it out for him.
Sure. He may not
be back for hours.
We'll fix it.
Let's see, if we...
-No, I don't think so.
How about?
Uh, uh.
I wouldn't try that either.
-Well maybe this. No.
-No. Lay off of that.
How about?
Boy, Schuyler is going
to appreciate this.
Black wire onto the blue...
Blue wire onto the black...
Dang it.
Onto the blue...
Well, open the door, squirrel-bait.
Oh, take-off power.
These rockets aught to blast Schuyler back
clear into the days of old king Neberkibitzer.
Hey, king Kibitzer.
You want to blow the place up?
-Put those down!
-Put'm down...
Hey you guys, what are you
standing around for?
Get me out of this trap.
He's all mixed up again.
-OK boys.
-Just take it easy.
-This way.
Easy, easy with the tonsils fellas.
Now, wait, wait.
Let's have a system, will you.
-Go my way.
To the right.
To the right!
-Easy with the bridgework.
You're burning up my tonsil.
Easy does it.
-There, you see?
You almost took my head off!
What's the matter with you?
Come on.
-Hook up the wires.
-Hook up the wires.
-Hook up the wires!!!
-Alright, hook up the wires, hook up the wires...
Unh, uh.
A bald-headed screw.
I wish I had a bald-headed
screwdriver here.
Let's see here...
Negative to the positive.
I'm positive the negative won't fit.
Three volts.
Four volts. That'll do.
Nuk, nuk, nuk, nuk.
Alright, now hear this!
Now hear this!
Now, hear this!
Prepare to blast off!
-Ready to blast off.
-Knife switch, main switch, on.
Main switch, on.
You and your fireworks!
What happened?
I don't know, but whatever it was,
it all started at once.
Diane, get out of here!
This thing could blow up!
Shut it off!
You can't!
The shutter-offer is stuck!
-My calm-down pills!
-Try it!
-He, he, he.
-Whoo hoo hoo!
-It worked!
Where we going to?
Hold on everybody.
Way to go, Schuyler.
What's going on here?
We're slowing down.
Right in the middle of a war!
Hercules! Behind you!
Even Hercules can't help you this day, Odius!
Your men give ground!
They are beaten!
Ulysses, the Oracles have promised us
help from the gods, in Olympus!
It is you who will surrender!
Schuyler, we don't want to land in that mess.
I can't seem to control it.
As the Oracle has promised.
Gods from Olympus,
to help us destroy our enemies!
Turn back!
I, king of Ithaca, command you!
Hail, the gods from Olympus!
Ulysses flees!
The war is over.
The guys in the green skirts chickened out.
Those chariots,
those old weapons...
Schuyler, is it possible?
I believe we've just witnessed a
clash of arms in ancient Greece.
Ancient Greece?
Of course.
This rocky terrain.
The hills of eastern Greece.
Why, this must be...
Approximately 900 B.C..
900 B.C.?
We sure went a
long ways in reverse.
[Crowd cheering]
Our victory is complete!
All Ithaca is mine!
Hail Odius, new king of Ithaca!
[Crowd cheering.]
It was the gods who made us triumph.
Pay homage, to the gods.
There's someone coming.
Don't worry.
Just tell them we're American citizens.
America hasn't
been discovered yet.
You mean I haven't been born yet?
Christopher Columbus
hasn't even been born yet.
Come on, will you?
Mighty gods from Olympus.
Who visit us in this
strange flying chariot.
You have scattered
our enemies to the winds,
like leaves in the wind.
Praises to your glory shall be sung
from every temple in Ithaca!
But we're not gods from Olympus.
We're mortals just like you.
Well, you see,
we're from another time.
As well as another place.
It is rather difficult to explain.
Especially on an empty stomach.
Well, whoever you are,
wherever you came from,
you have the eternal gratitude
of Odius, king of all Ithaca.
King of Ithaca?
And now I offer my hospitality,
my palace, and everything
that is in it, is yours.
And you.
You, with the
beauty of the dawn.
Whom I could have
sworn was a goddess...
You will ride in
my chariot with me.
That Odius fella,
he looks like somebody we know.
He acts like someone
we know too.
I got it, Dimsal!
But this is three thousand years
before Dimsal was even born.
Maybe so,
but if he turns out to be
a heel, as well as a wolf...
This could be the start
of the Dimsal family.
Come, to the palace!
What about my space conveyor?
Oh, yes.
The flying chariot.
We don't want
anything to happen to it.
We'll need it to get home.
Yes, by all means.
Secure the flying chariot,
so it cannot be removed.
You see my friends?
You need not have worried.
No man alive can move those
boulders, but Hercules.
-We should have known.
-Couldn't have done a better job myself.
-Thanks Hercules.
Ow, hey.
-Glad to see you Herc.
-Hi, Hercy.
Yeah, you lookin' good, Hercy-boy.
To Ithaca, and to the palace,
for the tribute of my people.
And for wine, and food!
Sounds good to me.
I haven't eaten in
three thousand years.
Wait a minute.
Wait, whoah, whoah, whoah.
Wait for me.
[Crowd cheering.]
Welcome, my friends.
Come, join us.
Partake of food and wine with us.
Hiya fellas.
My friends and countrymen...
Let us all hail
our honored guests.
Let us rejoice in
their presence.
Had it not been for them,
at this very moment,
we would be tasting
the bitter dregs of defeat,
instead of the
fruits of victory.
Let us pay homage to these...
Let us pay homage to these...
Strange visitors
from another place.
That come to us in this...
That come to us in
their flying chariot.
Drink, my friends!
And be merry!
You know, these old Greek things
certainly have lovely curves, haven't they?
These young Greek
things ain't bad either.
Huh, huh, huh, huh.
He's right.
And now, my friends.
A toast.
A toast to our honored guests.
A toast?
-A toast?
-A toast.
A toast.
A toast.
Not in the palace.
Well, Ulysses.
How delightful.
What beautiful timing.
Truly, we enjoy the
favor of the gods.
What have we done?
What do you mean?
Well, history tells us
Ulysses was a great man.
A wise and just ruler.
You mean we goofed?
We helped the wrong army.
We put a skunk on
the throne of Ithaca.
Well, Ulysses.
I've been waiting a long time
for you to grovel at my feet.
Ulysses grovels
at no man's feet.
Least of all, a traitor, who
has robbed him of his throne.
Very well, Ulysses. Tomorrow I'll have you
dragged around the arena by wild horses.
If miraculously, you survive,
I'll think of more ingenious
ways for you to die.
Take him away!
The only way to make up for this king-size
boo-boo is to get that creep off the throne and
turn it back to Ulysses.
But we're outnumbered.
You're out brained to, but we have to try anyhow,
and the first thing to do is to spring Ulysses.
Come on, let's go.
You stay here and
keep an eye on Diane.
And forget the pottery!
Relax Ulysses.
We'll have you out
here in two shakes.
But I thought you
were close to Odius?
How long can you
stay close to a skunk?
Come on, boy.
Here, get busy.
Ah, this ain't sharp.
-It ain't, huh?
Bring me number 6 blade.
Hold that now.
Come on.
Now do something right,
will you, once in a while.
Give me this thing here.
Outta the way here.
Share a wine glass with me.
That's going, boy.
-Atta boy Moe.
-Shh. Shh.
Hit it, but shh.
What are you making me atta boy?
Come on, put some muscles in.
What's the matter with you?
-Hey, atta boy.
Wait a minute.
Sixteen pounder.
Oh, alright.
-Put all you got on it kid.
What's it matter?
I'm encountering,
I mean, it won't...
It's stuck.
Wait a minute.
I can't help it.
Looks pretty good to me.
You had to stick your
nose in the way, huh?
Come on.
Belt it up, will ya.
Alright, alright.
But he's gotta make it fall down.
-Let's start on the other bar.
-Oh, yeah.
A backbiter!
I'll fix this up so nobody will stop it.
Outta the way.
Let a man do it that knows how.
Okay, okay. Get a...
Hurry, Ulysses, hurry!
The dungeon underneath.
I shall be forever grateful.
-When the throne is mine again...
-Never mind that. You better scram!
Come on, beat it!
What they mean is, Mr. Ulysses,
thou better escapist
whilst thou canus.
Yeah, come on, come on.
Find yourself a cheap blacksmith.
Oh, he's a nice guy.
In here!
Ew, it's cold.
Oh, it is not.
It's just right for bathing.
Hello, honey.
What are you doing?
Oh, you must be the new
slave girls from Cytherea.
-That's, that's right, deary.
-That's us.
Little ol' slave girls.
You deserve a good beating.
Hiding to avoid your work!
Now, you get busy,
you lazy things. Go!
-Please, please.
-Thank you.
Well, get busy.
You know what to do.
We do?
We do.
I wish we didn't.
Each of us will want
a thorough massage.
Then you will anoint
us while we bath.
And dry us afterward.
Take me first.
Start here.
My, I forgot my washcloth somewhere.
Please, I'll report you to the masseur's union.
The toenails.
Mind they are the same
shade as the fingernails.
Help me.
I'm ready for my bath.
-The water's too cold.
-Oh, I want it cold.
It's cold!
I said I like it cold.
You'll get pneumonia!
Oh, I know what I'm doing.
Oh no, you don't.
How's that, deary?
Not bad, but next time
trim your fingernails.
Oh, that's lovely.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you stupid, awkward creature!
A man!
Unlock that door!
It's locked.
Eight high, hike!
What's going on here?
What's the meaning of this?!
Ulysses has escaped.
These rogues freed him from his cell.
They what?!
There's no trace of him sire.
These men deserve death!
Death is too good for them.
I condemn them to the galleys.
We gonna do some cooking?
Imbecile, we're going
to do some rowing.
You will not live 3 weeks
under the slave masters lash.
Schuyler, will you please
be a man and speak up.
-Tell him he can't do that.
Yes, yes.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Now, see here!
Carry out the sentence!
-Here now.
-Wait a minute.
And take that weakling with you!
How about Diane?
Oh, yes.
Well, you needn't concern
yourself about her.
She'll be well looked after.
Easy, I'll get myself a cheap lawyer.
Hey, you're tearing the nightgown.
Go on, row that boat!
Put your backs into it!
Row, or I'll cut you to ribbons!
I guess we made the crew.
You there!
You're throwing the rhythm off.
Pull that oar!
Three months we've been on this bucket
and he get's meaner by the hour.
Hey, fellas.
Look at Schuyler.
His muscles are getting bigger every day.
Yeah, on one side.
If he could only build up the left arm to match the right,
he could take on both those baboons.
What did you say?
I said this galley can
go right through two typhoons.
I'll slice you up and
feed you to the sharks!
You got your calm-down pills?
Yeah, why?
Let me have some.
Hey, conductor.
Give me a drink, will you?
The rest is for him.
You lazy, muling, mullahs.
You've had every drop
you're getting today!
-Yeah, but we're thirsty, aren't we fellas?
You'll get no water till nightfall!
Now row!
Now row!
What's happened?
The keys fellas.
Unlock the chains!
Get me that sledge hammer!
Off to Ithaca!
Put your backs into it!
You scurvy bilge rats.
I'll cut you to ribbons
and throw you to the fishes!
Row, row!
You there, you're throwing
the rhythm off, watch it!
Hey, Moe's got pretty good rhythm, eh?
Hoist the mainsail.
Shiver my timbers.
Save the poop deck!
Unchain these characters.
We may have to swim for it.
Hey Moe.
There's a leak to starboard.
There is?
Hey, there's another one!
-Oh, I'm sorry Moe, I'm sorry.
-I'll murder you!
Wait here.
Seal brains!
Take this plug and plug it up!
And plug it securely!
I bet he'll never come back.
He said secured!
Man the pumps!
Abandon ship!
We're sinking.
Swim for it!
She's breaking apart!
I hope the rest of them made it.
I wonder where we are.
Maybe this sign will tell us.
[All mumbling.]
-You know...
-I'll smash the first guy who says it's all Greek to me.
-Well it's all Greek to him.
Get out of here!
A peasant.
Come on.
Oh. Oh my.
Have you been shipwrecked?
Naw, we always take a bath with our
clothes on. That's how we do our laundry.
Say, would you mind
telling us where we are?
Yes. How far is Ithaca?
Well, this is the island of Rhodes and Ithaca
is about twelve hundred miles to the east.
Could you tell us where we
can find the nearest harbor?
Well it's about three
days walk from here.
Which way?
Well, you've got to go through
that grove of cypress trees,
turn left at the brook,
then go through the deep
ravine until you, you well...
Well, you...
Better go that way.
Along the coast.
Go past the sand dunes and then
turn south at the rocks.
And then if you will just stay on,
no, the other...
You, you...
No, you can't either, no...
The mountain road.
That's it, the mountain,
Now, you go through the pine forest,
Until you, you won't see any more.
You'll see a gate there, but...
Don't go through it, it's nothing,
it's an old thing, just left there, you just...
Go on and you won't uh...
Well, you might if, no...
You know, if I were you,
I wouldn't start from here.
Say! Why don't you follow me?
I'm going to Rhodes
to sell my flock.
Only I'm taking a shortcut.
[Sheep bleating.]
Wrist, 8.
Ankle, 9.
Wrist, 7 three quarter.
Ankle, 8 and three quarter.
Pardon me general.
Does that ship go to Ithaca?
Very likely.
That is the royal yacht of King Theseus Of Rhodes,
about to leave on a pleasure cruise.
A pleasure cruise, oh boy.
Food, wine dancing girls.
And we always stop at Ithaca
to take on fresh supplies.
Oh, boy. That's for us.
Ah, tell me colonel.
Could you use four
able-bodied seaman?
I don't see why not.
Next size,
16 and a half.
Sleeve length 31 and a quarter.
-Head size, 6 and seven eighths.
-Thank you.
Wrist 8 and a quarter.
Oh, that's for my cuffs.
For your chains.
Thank you.
Glad to have you back.
We don't want to go back.
Row, you lazy clods.
I wonder what that drummer boy
would take to change his tune?
If they put a banjo with him,
that's a combo I can live with.
You won't live 5 minutes
if you don't bear down!
Row, you jellyfish!
Well, at least we're on the
other side of the ship.
Give Schuyler a chance
to build up his left side.
Get a load of that bicep.
Yeah, just like a floating Vick Danny.
Row! Come on and row!
Look at those shoulders now.
Yeah, that takes care of the muscle.
Now, we gotta work on
the gumption department.
What he needs is...
Self confidence, initiative
and referendum.
Yeah, he...
Row, you miserable weaklings!
He's pulling the entire lot of you to starboard!
Now row, he's turning the ship around!
Oh, we're going around in circles.
This was supposed to be a
pleasure cruise, and I'm dying.
I, the king of Rhodes...
Oh, there you are.
Well, what's the reason that we're...
I mean, why are we spinning around like a top?
You've got a drunken helmsman, I'll wager.
It is not the helmsman, sire.
But the powerful oarsman
on the starboard side.
All the rest of my slaves combined
can not hold the ship steady.
You mean one man out-pulls all the...
Oh my, that's really...
One man?!
He has the strength of 20 men.
20 men?
You don't say.
As strong as twenty men...
The ship's going one way
and my head's going the other.
Will you stand still?
Oh, I see it all now.
You've been drinking!
This is mutiny!
No, my lord, I protest.
All right, all right.
Stop the ship.
Bring me those 20 men, I mean...
The one man who's as
strong as 20 men.
Yes, my lord.
At once, my lord.
That's the strong one, sire.
He means him.
The king knows that, knot-head!
My, say, he does look strong.
You ain't seen nothing
yet, your majesty.
Here. Make a muscle for the king.
Hey, look him.
He's in better shape than Hercules.
Did you say Hercules?
Here on my galley, the
strongest man on all the earth?
The gods have sent me Hercules.
The only man alive who
can save my kingdom.
You're slightly
off the beam, king.
He ain't Herc...
What windblown idiot
means to say, your majesty,
is that Hercules here is a victim
of circumstantial circumstances.
Uh, that's right king.
This entire thing is a preposterous mistake.
You, pre, pre, preposterous indeed.
My lord, these men were
condemned by king Odius.
They were?
Why, I never heard of such a...
Hercules, you do something for me,
and I'll see that you
get your freedom.
My friends will be freed to?
Most certainly they'll be freed.
We're in business king.
What's on your mind?
There's a monster loose
on the island of Rhodes.
No doubt, they told you that, uh,
I am king of Rhodes.
Yeah, good.
This monster is called
a Siamese Cyclops.
Oh, he's a terrible looking thing.
Two heads. One big eye on the
center of each forehead.
I dunno how he manages.
Now, what I want you to do is
get rid of the Cyclops for me.
Oh, you're a cinch king.
Monsters are right up his alley.
-Now, how about us going free?
Before we get rid of the, sure...
We won't run away.
Of course you won't run away.
Why, my soldiers will
surround the whole island.
Go ahead, strike the chains.
Hurry up.
Come on get these
links off their iron head.
Get on the job there, muscles.
Hey, get to work.
He's the king, ain'tcha?
Certainly, I am.
-Get busy.
-Get busy.
Ah, get lost.
Hold up the leg here.
There. How about the other one?
Come on!
I don't see any sign of him.
Let's call it off.
Maybe cyclopses are out of season.
There's nobody around here but us.
What are you afraid of?
Maybe we better separate and scout
around, like they do in the Army.
Good idea. I'll take the point.
-I'll take the right flank.
-I'll take the left flank.
I'll take a tranquilizer.
Come here, you.
You go up in the rocks and reconnoiter,
and if you see any cyclopses,
you know what steps to take.
Yeah, fast ones.
Go, already!
Come on, let's spread out.
So, what's to reconnoiter?
Peaceful as a tomb...
Ooh, what I said...
You better take care of that cold.
Shut up!
If we want a singer,
we'll send for Perry Como.
What's bugging you?
Dig those crazy twins.
Oh, my goodness!
Hey, ugly!
Even though you got two heads,
you only got a half a brain.
Your father's got two mustaches!
Neurotic, eh?
I'll take care of that.
We're trapped!
Come on Schuyler.
I got him! I got him! I got him!
Great work!
Come on Schuyler, get up.
We're in a lot of trouble.
You know that.
Cut that out.
Let go, you double-headed mop!
Shoot, you idiot!
I can't. He won't open his mouth.
The pills, the whole bottle.
Let go, you!
I'll poke your eyes out!
Rock-a-bye Cyclops,
close your red eye.
Hit the sack Cyclops,
slumber is neigh.
When the pill works,
the creature will fall.
-And down will come Cyclops,
-Two heads and all.
We gotta make Schuyler think he did it.
We'll build up his gumption department.
Hey, get that club.
Come on kid.
Come on, you're doing fine.
You've got him on the ropes, kid.
Now all you need is
to go a little further.
Come on fellows.
Here we are.
Now, come on.
Go after him boy!
Atta boy, Schuyler ol' boy.
Finish him!
You can do it.
You can do it.
Finish him.
Did I get him?
You sure did Schuyler.
You proved you're a real Hercules.
Will Diane go for you now.
Man, you're terrific!
So, you conquered the Cyclops,
And captured him.
Oh, my. I don't know how...
Such a big monster.
Yeah, but then, you're,
you're Hercules.
Well, king oh boy, if you're through
with us, we'll be on our way to Ithaca.
Oh, wait.
One more task before you go.
Oh, I'll pay you this time.
Coin of the realm.
It's good as gold.
Well, uh, what do
you have in mind king?
The troubles a bull.
The Cretin bull.
You've heard of him?
Why, tore up the island of Crete.
And now he's ripping up Rhodes.
Oh, a terrible monster.
Why he paws the
ground just like...
A demon.
Now, if you vanquish the bull,
like you did the Cyclops...
I'll pay you one thousand
talents, in gold!
How the calm-down pills holding up?
Still got plenty.
We'll do to the bull
what we did to Cyclops.
You've got yourself a deal.
We can't do it. We've
got to get back to Diane.
I know that, kid.
But a few more jobs like this and we
won't have to hire out as galley slaves.
We can buy our own galley.
And go back to Ithaca in style.
We'll take it.
He'll take...
Oh, wonderful, wonderful!
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
If you ask me,
Theseus has gone to pieces.
What a bull thrower.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
The both of them are undefeated.
Watch Hercules fight the,
one and only, hydra.
Nine ugly terrifying heads.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Programs. Get your programs here.
Right here.
Thank you.
Yes, sir, right there.
Programs folks.
You can't tell one head from
another without a program.
Programs, right here.
You're in great shape, Schuyler.
Schuyler, Schuyler, look!
-It's your sell off.
-Whoo Hoo!
At last, we got enough dough to
buy a late model, used galley.
Ithaca, here we come.
We'll be on our way
the minute this fight's over.
Atta boy, champ,
that's the ol' confidence.
Hey, the crowd's getting impatient.
Time to start.
Hey, how about the pills?
I tranquilized the hydra.
Took nine pills.
-One for each head.
-Hiya fellas.
My associate, Freddie The Fence.
I'm Achilles The Heel.
You guy's got a permit?
-Now, that's too bad.
We're collectors, see.
We get a cut on all the
sporting events in Delphi.
Understand you been matching
your boy all over Peloponneses
without cuttin' us in on the take.
Now you shouldn't
oughta have done that.
Now we've got no recourse
but to slap yous with a penalty.
What kind of a penalty?
100% of today's take.
I hope your boys see it our way.
They do.
Hey, you can't take our money.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Well, that takes care of the hydra.
Now, when do we leave for Ith...
What's the matter?
Schuyler, we got bad news.
We wouldn't have lost all our
money if you had got a permit.
Yeah why don't you get a...
Shut up! It's your
fault to. Come on.
Now we gotta
start all over again.
Schuyler, do you think
you can take it, I mean...
Can you build your biceppers?
Come on Schuyler ol' boy, come on.
How do you like that folks, a double header.
Don't bother with the little ones.
Just got the big ones.
How we doin' Moe?
Booked solid for the next three weeks.
Wild horses diamete.
Iron birds of Arcadia.
And then Cerberus.
And that pooch
could be a tough one.
Haven't we get enough
now to get back to Ithaca?
Oh, it won't be long now,
we're doing fine.
Return engagement back here
in Delphi at three times the dough.
-Hiya boys.
Now wait a minute, here, we need
that money to get back to Ithaca.
Nah, there's no dough
to be made in Ithaca.
Nutin' doin' there, but the king's wedding.
Wait a minute...
What king?
Odius, who else?
And that doll he claims
dropped out of the sky.
We gotta get back to Ithaca.
Hey, you ain't goin' noplace!
You guys got a permit?
Oh, don't start that again.
We don't go for that anymore.
I do hope you see it our way.
They do.
OK Schuyler, give him the money.
I do hope you see
it our way.
They do.
Schuyler, get the money.
Off to Ithaca!
Lovely, my dear.
You'll be enchanting
at our wedding feast.
I wonder if you know how
impatiently I await the day.
Ah, Hercules!
You see, she no longer resist.
The potion does it's work well.
Look what has been
brought to me from Delphi.
See who has the impudence to
masquerade as the great Hercules!
Those rogues I
sentenced to the galleys.
This doesn't look like the
weakling I knocked to the floor.
I'm going to find them and I'll
crush them with my bare hands.
Not now Hercules.
I need you here with me.
Ulysses is gathering
fresh forces.
I need you here
in Ithaca with me.
I must destroy these upstarts who make
mockery of the great name of Hercules.
Hercules, stop! I'm your king!
Where's Diane?
Speak up.
Yes, where is she?
You'd better speak up.
Now, you, you shouldn't burst
in here like this. She's...
She's very happy.
She's preparing for her wedding.
-Ahh, bologna!
-I don't believe you.
She wouldn't marry
you in her right mind.
Hold it fellas.
Don't move another step.
He's gonna spring a trap door.
Yeah, watch it.
Back up fellas
before it's too late.
He's got more tricks than a magician.
Yeah, trap doors...
You think we're
stupid or something?
The gods have sent them to me.
Wait a minute, Hercules!
Tomorrow you shall have
your sport in the arena.
Then all Ithaca will see
who the real Hercules is.
You will tear them to pieces
in hand-to-hand combat.
Added entertainment
for the wedding festivities.
And when you've finished with them,
I'll feed their remains to my cats!
Cats, he says.
Huh, huh.
Cats are crazy about me.
Have sport with them
and then cut them to pieces.
Here, here. Take these pills.
Watch your chance and
pop them in his mouth.
Keep your pills.
This time I won't need them.
Poor Schuyler...
A lamb to the slaughter.
I can't look.
Somebody tell me when it's over.
Hey Moe,
Schuyler's still alive.
Atta boy, Schuyler.
Give him the ol' one-two!
Schuyler, give him the ol' pump-hand.
Finish him off!
An upper-shoot!
Surround him!
Boy, look at that.
A knee in the back!
-Pour it on!
-That's it!
That's it.
Like this.
Like this.
Spare me!
Don't know why I should.
You haven't acted very much
like the great Hercules in history.
Yes, history.
They wrote about you as a great man.
If I do let you go,
you're going to have to change.
I will change.
And you'll help Ulysses
get his throne back.
I swear it!
Very well.
Now I've built your
reputation as a great man.
You live up to it.
Look, we're your friend.
Wait a minute, he didn't do it.
Schuyler! This way!
Come on Schuyler!
Hurry up boy!
Get out of my wagon!
Head for the time machine,
and don't spare the horse power.
We've got company.
Get a load of that can opener.
Whoo ooh.
He did it!
I'll rip your mustache out for that!
I'll put a stop to that!
Woah. Ho.
Hurry up!
Step on it!
I think they're coming.
That's it!
The calm-down pills.
Give it all ya got!
We're slowing down again.
Look! The crusaders!
Hey! What's that?!
That's Nelson's victory at Trafalgar.
-That would be, uh, uh...
Let go, you big ape!
Let go!
He's gonna make it
without a parachute.
World War 1.
A Nazi bomber!
World War 2.
Hey, an Atlas missile!
We're back where we started!
Hey, you guys have been
fooling around with that for 25 years.
Get rid of it.
I warned that Davis!
Home again!
Boy, oh boy.
Davis, now I warned you!
So, you thought it
wouldn't work, eh?
We were back in time.
Way back.
Yeah, gallery jockeys for one
of your crummy ancestors.
And he's got the muscles to prove it.
I'll handle this.
Oh, now, now, just...
On several occasions, Mr. Dimsal,
you invited me to put up my dukes.
Well, I, uh...
Is that invitation still open?
No, no, no.
Don't touch that switch!
There he goes!
Get me outta here!
Well, just don't stand there.
Come on boys, get me outta here!
Oh, please.
But I'm, I'm sorry.
Please, get me out.
That's better.
What were you up to?
I didn't know Priscilla was married.
Try that Moe.
Oh, no, no, no.
What are you giving me here?
There must be an eas...
Hold it.
We ain't gettin' no place fast.
Wait a minute, I got it.
The electric saw.
Good idea.
Plug it in.
Won't reach.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, fellas...
What were you up to?
I didn't know, honestly.
Look out!
That's my ear!