The Unicorn (2018) Movie Script

MAN: Hey, wait.
MAN: Hold on. It was right here.
WOMAN: What are you looking for?
MAN: It was right...
WOMAN: Is it something private?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: Do you have, like, a sex toy
you haven't told me about? (CHUCKLES)
MAN: No. Okay, I got it.
Hold on.
I just wanna play something.
I'm a little nervous, but...
Sorry, I'm sweating.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Will you marry me?
MAL: Oh, my God.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Okay.
Sure, I'll marry you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Oh. No, we've been engaged
for four years.
It's not...
It's not a big deal.
- Thank you.
- Cool.
- What are you doing?
- I'm re-proposing.
Re-proposing is not a thing.
If it was, they wouldn't do it
with a fucking tooth.
This is my actual tooth.
This is my wisdom tooth.
Oh, is that because marrying me would
be the wisest thing you ever did?
I was literally
gonna say that exactly.
I kinda read your mind.
Just thought, like, we should
get a fresh start, you know?
Now instead of saying we've
been engaged for four years,
we can say that
we just got engaged,
and people will buy us drinks.
You know what?
Keep it in the car.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right. Let's do this.
This is gonna be rough.
It's gonna be like
pulling teeth.
Okay. I see what you did.
You're an expert.
- I know. Thank you.
- It was a joke for you.
- I just don't think you should mock me about it.
- It was for you.
Maybe I don't love you Quite as
much as I believe I love you, baby
But don't tell me
'Cause loving you
Is a happy state of mind
Maybe I don't need you Quite as
much as I profess To need you, baby
But don't leave me
Needing you
Is a happy state of mind
And who's to say anyway
That love is not a game we play
Why's it always gotta be
Considered a condition Of the heart?
As long as I feel warm inside
Wanted, filled, and satisfied
Who am I
To be denied this feelin'
Be it love
Or be it
Just a happy state of mind
Maybe it's just something I've
imagined in the hours When I'm sleepin'
But don't wake me
'Cause dreaming's
A happy state of mind
You've put me
In a happy state of mind
Loving you is
A happy state of mind
Having you is
A happy state of...
MAN: Okay. It's party time.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
WOMAN: Hello, hello.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Hi, Edie.
What took you so long?
Was the traffic bad?
No, not too bad.
- Cal.
- Hi.
- Mom, this place is nuts.
- Oh.
- Yeah, this place is great.
I've got you all set up
in the back bedroom.
It's westerly facing.
Oh, actually, Mom, uh,
we got a hotel room.
Well, Mom, this is good for you
'cause you and Dad can walk around
naked and be gross like you are at home.
You're such a prude.
Party time! (LAUGHS)
Everybody's asking for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. and Mrs., uh...
Cal and Mal.
- Malor!
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Ah, Cal.
- Hi.
- Big C.
- Yeah.
Big C and Malory Key.
Oh, yeah.
Taking good care of her?
- Of course.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, Lou!
EDIE: Look at us.
Weddings are fun.
You should try one sometime.
You wanna just go get us
some champagne?
CAL: Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
EDIE: What?
- What?
LOU: Come on.
- Oh, come on.
- What, what?
I mean, we're gonna set a date.
Stop nagging me.
This is not the time... Hey,
Jeff, how are you? Good to see ya.
You know why we couldn't have any
pets when you were really young?
- No, no. Edie, please.
- Because you couldn't commit.
- First you wanted a hermit crab.
- Edie, this is not...
But that was gross,
and then you wanted a turtle,
- then you wanted a gofer.
- This is...
I was being practical.
- It...
(STUTTERS) And you were. You were.
I thought you had Asperger's.
And maybe she did.
We don't know...
- Katie! Katie!
- Oh, Katie.
Hey, Katie!
MAN: Do you wanna tell them?
You wanna tell them now?
You know you wanna tell them.
Well, we talked about
not making it our day.
- No, you've been talking about it, all
right? EDIE: What you talking about?
MAN: Come on.
KATIE: I know, I'm sorry.
EDIE: What?
MAN: It is the right time.
KATIE: Well, we found out...
- What?
It's a boy.
(CHUCKLES) And... And...
Drum roll, please.
- A girl.
BOTH: Twins.
- Oh!
EDIE: Oh, my God.
LOU: This is fantastic! Fantastic!
EDIE: The perfect family.
EDIE: Nothing could be better.
- Nothing could be better.
MAN: We're so excited. So excited.
Okay, uh,
while we're celebrating,
um, Mal and I
have a little surprise too.
We just got engaged.
To be married.
Like, didn't we know
that already?
Yes, but we recently
got re-engaged.
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, re-engaged.
We did it today.
We re-prop... I re-proposed.
What, sort of like
a millennial thing?
It's actually...
Actually, it's really...
It's really popular right now.
- It is?
- Um, so many viral videos.
Like, shocked.
Engaged women who're like,
"I'm engaged again." So...
I gave her... I gave her actually
a ring with my tooth in it.
Well, don't tell them
everything. (CHUCKLES)
- But, um, yeah...
- That's kind of cheap, isn't it?
It's actually... We just were...
We were inspired by you guys.
- That's right. That's right.
- And what you do every year, so...
Isn't that great news?
Great news
would be a wedding invitation.
Engraved on stationery
with a date
that we stick to.
MAL: Yeah, we don't want people to
think we're rushing into anything.
CAL: Yeah. Right.
We should have just, uh... a
standard engagement period this time?
- Probably, what?
- It's 14 and a half months. I looked it up.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, 14 and a half months
from today, wedding day.
Actually, that's mid-March, which
puts us at St. Patrick's Day,
and our friends would hate us.
- Mm.
- Remember when Peter and Elle got married on New Year's Eve?
Yeah, well, I don't know
what the fuck that was.
- They were in love.
- It was evil.
What about a fall wedding?
We could do that.
Like, October?
What will the theme be?
It could be cool. We can have,
like, a spooky wedding.
We don't have to
worry about it now, okay?
Tonight we celebrate.
- Yes. Tonight we celebrate.
Hello, everyone.
I would like to make a special
announcement with my better half here.
I wanna say,
from the bottom of my hard-on...
Uh, just joking.
From the bottom of my heart,
- I wanna thank you all...
- What time is it?
Very, very much
for being here at this time.
- 9:00.
- You know, I couldn't have gone through
this whole 25 years without
my beloved Edie right here.
And... and without her
being so patient.
Because I am not perfect.
And I got news for you all.
She's not perfect, either.
But together, we are perfection.
- Yes.
- Yeah, we are.
- I love you, honey.
- I love you.
I love you tons.
And, um...
I just wanna thank all our
dear friends for being here.
- Yes, thank you for being here.
- Thank you.
Let's celebrate.
And you gotta be here tomorrow
for the wedding, all right?
So just don't drink too much.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- I love you.
- I love you.
ALL: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
I think we're gonna get a room.
Let me tell you,
your parents
have got it figured out.
- Yeah, they're really in love.
- No.
- Passion.
- Okay.
You know it.
Write that down.
I know their secret.
Edie and Lou.
They party so, so hard.
I mean, party party.
You know? As in...
Third party.
You know?
- What the fuck?
- Three... Three ways.
Three... Menage a trois.
Your parents have threesomes?
No, no, no. She's just drunk.
- I don't know.
Drunk is truth.
The hard part
Is living without love
Who the hell is that woman?
One, two, three
Oh, my God.
One, two, three
CAL: Huh.
It's easy
Like taking candy
From a baby
CAL: Yeah.
KATIE: Malory?
Where you guys going?
Are you leaving?
- Yeah.
- No.
- So lame.
- Who's lame?
It's not lame. It's just...
We're tired.
We had a long drive.
Come on.
The night is still young.
We're still boogieing out there.
Yeah. I mean, we're gonna have so much fun
tomorrow if we get, like, good sleep tonight.
Yeah, we just wanna be fresh
for tomorrow.
If you guys can't hang, you might as well
drive Henry back to the retirement home.
KATIE: Yeah.
- Who's Henry?
Henry? He's a good-luck charm.
The guy who marries us
every year.
I think he's out over there
by the pool. I'll go get him.
Love you.
Bye, Lou.
You know, you guys
used to be really fun.
Hey! Oh, Bob's got the bar open.
Can I buy you guys a drink?
- Oh, no. You know, we gotta...
- One... One drink. Come on.
- No.
- We're... We gotta go back to the hotel,
- and get some sleep.
- Yeah.
You know the old saying, "Youth is wasted
on the young"? Did you ever hear that one?
Yeah, well, let me tell you,
you're wasting it.
Get out and dance.
Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Dance the night away.
Oh, hey, by the way, can you
guys pick me up tomorrow?
For the wedding. That would be
so nice if you could do that.
(EXHALES) Yeah...
Yeah, I don't...
- No... No...
- You'd think for the money they'd have a van
- to take you someplace.
- Totally.
Henry, we'll pick you up.
It's cool.
- Of course.
- Are you sure?
BOTH: Yeah.
- Thank you. That was so nice.
I think we're getting close.
You see the sign
"Sunset Springs"?
I'd like to get sprung,
to tell you the truth.
My parents are so weird.
I like your parents.
- They have fun.
- Yeah.
They're really fun.
Apparently more fun
than I ever knew.
- Yeah, that was weird.
- Mm.
- Is that mine?
- Oh.
Yeah. I didn't bring pajamas,
but I found this in your bag.
No, the toothbrush.
Yeah. Mine was dead.
- Mm.
- Sorry.
Just, like,
rinse it out really well, okay?
I gotta do my butt next, though.
Baby got plaque.
MAL: Mm.
Can you move that food
out of here?
The smell of those fries combined with
the thought of my parents having an orgy
makes me wanna barf.
MAL: Ugh!
You know, the smell of that food
makes me kind of wanna fuck a little.
- No.
- I smell like your teeth now.
We're, like,
a fun couple, right?
- Yeah.
- We have fun.
Yeah, we're fun.
I mean, we're like...
Maybe not as fun as all those old
people who are still partying right now
and doing coke, probably, but...
we have our own brand of fun.
Yeah, we don't need a party.
Because the only reason to party is to go out and
meet somebody who's awesome and your soulmate,
and you already got that.
Just me?
- I have it?
- And I'm still looking.
But I get closer
and closer every day.
Cool. I'll try to change.
Whatever. We're fine, right?
Yeah, we're fine.
- All right.
- I'm not worried.
I love you.
I love you too.
- Good night. Huh?
I was gonna say good night too.
Oh. Yeah. Jinx.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Did you set an alarm?
- No, it's my sleep tracker.
It tells me when to turn in
so I can get nine hours.
And we were asleep
before it went off.
Yeah, then we win.
- Sorry. Good night for real.
- Good night.
- We should go out.
- I was just thinking that.
Like, we're on vacation.
We need to "vacate."
Exactly. We shouldn't
be in here all night.
There's a whole city
of palms to see.
I mean, who needs
nine hours of sleep, anyway?
- It's Friday night, like...
- I don't need that.
- No.
- That's too much sleep, actually.
Plus, we have, uh,
an engagement to celebrate.
Yeah. There's a bar
across the street.
We could go there,
and like, be other people.
We could just pretend
we're Canadian.
Just, like, do the Canadian
accent 'cause it's super easy.
- Uh-huh.
- And it'll just, like, be really nice.
Everyone will think we're Canadian.
It'll be fun.
That's perfect. I know exactly
what you're talking "aboot."
- How about this, though?
- Perfect.
You go there first,
then I show up a little bit
later and I pick you up?
That's great.
We're both Canadians.
- Yeah, we're two strange Canadians...
- Okay.
Meeting in the desert.
We have an instant connection.
- We're both from the same place.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and no one else
understands it.
- Right.
- Yeah, it's great.
What are you gonna wear?
I'll surprise you.
Well, I'm gonna be
hitting on you pretty hard,
and, uh, I don't think...
you are gonna be able
to resist my charms.
MAL: Mm.
Oh, my God. Can you, like,
do that in the bathroom?
- I'm sorry...
- You just looked me directly in the eye.
(MUFFLED) All right, I'm sorry.
No, but for reals, I'm gonna
hit on you so fucking hard.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Ugh! God.
Not what you were expecting?
Oh, yeah. No, these spicy
cocktail things are too much.
Can't have diarrhea
in this dress.
it's a good thing
you're only out...
$18? Are you serious?
This place is such a rip-off.
Desert pricing.
(GASPS) Oh, let's do shots.
- Oh, no, that's okay. Someone's coming...
- Yo!
Hey, blondie.
Another Sriracharita?
Ew, no.
Actually, I was just
in the restroom,
and someone did a real
paint job in there.
It... It's sick.
Shit. Animals.
Go for the bourbon.
What? No.
Fill 'em up. Fill 'em up.
Don't stop.
Quick, quick, quick!
Oh, shit.
Maintenance is on it. Sorry.
Yeah. Thank you.
- That was insane.
- I know.
Do criminals feel this
amazing all the time?
- Only until they get caught.
He had no idea.
- He's such an idiot.
- That was fun.
- Mm.
You're fun.
- Yes.
- I mean, it is real crazy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What year was it?
- It was, like, in 1995.
Whoa, hey.
Forgive me for nosing in there.
Name's Ryerson.
Can I get you
a Labatt Blue or two?
You don't have to do the
Canadian thing, it's okay.
- We're not doing the Canadian thing?
- Just drop it.
- Uh, you look very beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Um, you have to meet Jesse.
This is my fiance, Cal.
- Oh, hi.
- Fiance?
What about you and me?
Okay. We have to
get you caught up.
Sit, sit, sit.
So, what were you saying?
- Oh, I just... The car was so old...
- Yeah.
- Like, you just couldn't.
- So many memories like that.
I know. Oh, totally.
I would drive everyone around.
Do you guys want
any beers or something?
- Let's do it. Are you ready?
- Okay. Oh, yeah.
- Okay, you know the drill.
- Yes.
Watch this, Cal.
Ew! What?
- Here? That...
- Oh, my God.
The guys' too?
That is disgusting.
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah. My friend right here was just in the men's,
and he said that
there's like a...
a FEMA-level disaster in there.
Right? Tell him what you saw.
You just said there was, like, shit all
over the floor and the walls and stuff.
Like, in the sink.
Uh, yeah.
I thought it was, at first, a design
thing, like, part of the tiles, but...
- There's shit... everywhere.
JESSE: Yeah, you know what?
I'm giving you one star on Yelp.
It's the cocaine. It turns
people into confetti cannons.
I'll get it cleaned up.
- Thank you.
- Thanks so much.
- Okay, hurry.
- Watch this.
CAL: Malory, I think...
- Oh, shit.
Okay. Get out.
- I'm so sorry.
- All three of you. Get out.
- She was getting a napkin.
- You know what?
- Move it along. Thank you so much.
- No, fuck this place.
Your drinks suck. Let's go to my place.
I have booze.
- I'll get us a car.
BARTENDER: Bring the party elsewhere.
- I... I'm so sorry.
- Sir, I will pay for that.
- I will call the cops.
- Guys, come on. Come on.
- Are we going? Who is she?
- She's fun.
JESSE: Come on.
- We'll see. We'll see what happens.
- I don't...
BARTENDER: No, no. I'm keeping this.
- Hey, come on.
- I just bought that.
Wait, wait, wait.
CAL: Okay.
- Look at all this shit.
- I know.
There's gotta be, like,
a henna tattoo kit somewhere.
It's like Gandhi's dorm room.
How old do you think she is?
Looking at her place, she
could be a thousand years old.
Uh, we... We should leave.
(WHISPERING) Let's leave.
So, I didn't really have a
chance to hide all my secrets.
But, please, don't let that
stop you from snooping.
Also, I'm breaking out
the good stuff.
- In for a treat.
CAL: Thank you.
Thank you.
No. Thank you.
Both of you. It is...
(SIGHS) It's so refreshing to meet
kindred spirits and live... strangely.
It totally is.
- Cheers.
- Yeah. Cheers.
To living strangely.
Oh. Let me put
something else on.
MAL: Mm-hmm.
CAL: Mm, it's got, um...
a balsamic tinge to it.
It's my favorite.
It's great. Thank you.
It'd be really good on a salad.
With a salad.
CAL: With a salad, it would be good. Nice.
MAL: Just paired. Yum-yum.
Is this a, um...
(STUTTERS) Is this a geode?
No, amethyst point.
- It's actually one of my tools.
- For what?
- Ever since I was a little girl,
I've just had this thing.
I know how to mix energies.
And I can sense
matching vibrations.
MAL: Oh!
- I'm an energy alchemist.
- Right.
- Oh.
Now, I could tell
instantly with you.
We are vibrating
at the exact same frequency.
Can you feel that?
I can. Yeah, it's crazy.
I mean, I wouldn't have, like,
put it in those words, you know.
I don't really even know
what they mean.
(STUTTERS) Yeah. No. For sure, it
feels like I've known you for so...
But you need balance, right?
I mean, too much of one type,
the scale tips.
BOTH: Right.
- Cal.
(SIGHS) You are bringing this...
massively strong masculine
current into this space.
It is working for me.
Uh, I'm glad
you picked up on that.
And I didn't want it to be
overpowering necessarily,
but I wanted it to vibrate.
You know, to be honest, I kind of
thought I was gonna be a third wheel.
(CHUCKLES) I mean,
with all your...
sensual energy.
Oh, ours?
Oh, come on. It is practically oozing
out of the two of you. It is...
It's intoxicating.
People have said.
You know, we ooze.
We always say
we're cruisin' for an oozin'.
Are you serious?
Yes, it is like, bam!
It's, like, exploding.
(SIGHS) This is great.
Okay, close your eyes.
Okay. Visualize the energy.
What color do you see?
That's great.
- Mm.
- Yeah. Amber is the color of your energy.
CAL: Whoa.
And feel as the energy radiates
through your whole body.
Through every hair.
Every toe.
(SOFTLY) And every cell.
Our blood is now pumping
in a perfect circle.
- Triangle.
- Okay. Shh!
- Sorry.
- Shut up.
Beats out of my heart,
into Mal's arm.
Beats down through her chest.
- Around into her shoulders.
Making its way down
into her delicate fingertips.
And working its way into Cal.
- Oh!
There it is.
- You guys, that was fucking nuts. I...
- I feel so connected to you guys.
MAL: Oh, my God. Me too.
- That was good.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I'm, like, covered in chills.
That was really powerful.
MAL: It was crazy.
CAL: Yeah.
Um, do you mind if I just...
pop out for a second?
- Yeah, down the hall.
- Okay.
I will probably go with her too.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Just conserve water, you know.
- Yes.
Aww. I love that.
- What is going on?
- I don't know.
I mean, is she, like, into us?
I think so. Maybe.
- I mean, she's hot, right?
- Yeah, totally.
- I know.
- I mean, you are way hotter.
No, she's hotter. It's fine.
But are we reading it right?
- I mean, are we...
- Are you into her?
I... I think you are into her.
Why... Why are you saying that?
Because you did
the shoulder roll thing.
When she touched your shoulders,
you rolled your shoulders back,
and you basically had an orgasm.
I didn't roll my shoulders back.
I don't do anything
with my shoulders.
You do roll your shoulders back, and
you did it out there on the couch.
Okay. Well, I didn't mean to.
I mean...
She was looking
right at your eyes
when she said
we were intoxicating.
Obviously she's gonna be
into me, Mal.
- Shut up.
- Are we intoxicating?
I mean, I think we might be.
Does she, like, want us?
I think she might want us.
Is everybody having
a threesome except for us?
Okay. We're not doing this.
- No.
- We're not.
We're not doing this.
(STUTTERS) I don't even...
- I don't even wanna do...
- Me neither.
I don't need to do that.
She's so weird.
- She's so...
- And I don't... I just love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Good.
- We're good.
Okay. We're not gonna do it.
- I know. I know.
- Okay.
But we're not ourselves tonight.
Are you, really?
I could be cool with this
if you are cool with it.
I... I think I'm cool with it.
I'm totally cool with it, and I will just
be the water boy if that's what it takes.
- What?
- Like, if you guys are having a great time,
I'll just go in the corner, and
I'll drink water, and I'll jerk off,
and I'll change the music,
or whatever. Just, like...
try to include me.
Thanks, Cal.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good. 'Cause I wanna have fun.
- You are gonna have a great time.
- I want you to have fun too.
- I will have fun just watching.
- Okay.
- Just watching and cranking it.
- Okay.
- Great. Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
- Wait, wait.
- What are you doing?
- Just cleaning up.
You're washing your balls?
Yeah. What...
You're washing your balls
in her sink?
I can't do it in her kitchen.
That's where
she brushes her teeth.
Why are you cleaning it at all?
Because it's the desert and we've
been in a car for, like, four hours.
Okay, but you've never
washed your balls for me.
That is, like, the most offensive
thing you've ever said to me,
because I have never
washed my balls more
for anybody else
in my entire life than you.
- Aww.
- Yeah.
Okay. Just hurry up.
Wait, wait. Don't fall
in love with her, okay?
- What?
- She's, like, young and hot.
And she probably has perfect
nipples, and... Just don't.
I don't care about her nipples.
I am not gonna
fall in love with her.
But you...
You can't fall in love
with her either.
What? You still think
I'm secretly gay?
I think everybody's 10% gay,
and you dated a chick
in college.
I went to Oberlin. You're supposed
to date a chick at Oberlin.
It's what it is. Look.
- It's gonna be great. We'll have a good time. Okay?
- Okay.
And if you don't like something,
just say stop.
Or why don't you think
a safe word or something?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- If you don't like something, just say, "Wait, my car."
- What... What?
- Like, "Wait, my car.
- "I'm gonna get a ticket like..." Oh, street cleaning.
- Oh, yeah. That's good.
- Say, "Street cleaning."
- Okay, we're gonna have fun. It's gonna be great.
- It's gonna be so fun.
- Okay. Great. I love you.
- I love you too.
- I love you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Aah!
- Calm down, calm down.
- Okay.
- Be cool.
Hi. Hey, yeah,
just go sit down,
take your jackets off,
make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.
- I'll be out in a minute.
- Great.
- Okay.
Is she naked?
I think so.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Wow.
- Where'd your clothes go?
Oh, yeah. Just took them off. Had
to let my skin breathe a little.
- Yeah.
- Badass. Yes.
I'm not making you
uncomfortable, am I?
- No?
- No.
- No.
- Ugh, no.
Oh, God, there's so much
space between us right now.
Get in here.
- That's better.
- Yeah.
What are you two into?
- Um...
- I've been getting into baking my own pretzels recently.
It's super easy.
- Yeah, we made a pizza one.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'm not asking
for a dating profile.
I mean, what is it like
to be a fly on the wall
on a romantic night
between Mal and Cal?
- Uh...
- Oh, my God. Our society is so weird about sex.
We don't even talk about it.
No, we're not weird about it.
- No, we talk about it all the time.
- All the time.
Like, always. We're just
always talking about it.
Yeah, our friends say, "Can you
talk about anything else? Sports?
"Politics? Anything." 'Cause
we just wanna talk about sex.
- We just love it.
- Great.
BOTH: Yeah.
- Paint a picture for me.
Okay, um...
Close your eyes.
- Fun.
- Hmm.
- Um...
- It's super romantic.
- Yeah?
- Intensely romantic.
How so?
I will cook a meal for my lover.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Some salted bread.
I can just smell it
in the house.
Like, not just the food.
It's also...
- Sex.
- Sex.
CAL: And, um...
- The pheromones, uh, of genetic...
- Mm-hmm.
DNA and mixing.
And then, we touch.
We touch each other.
There's a lot of touching.
- Rubbing.
- Caressing.
Skin on skin.
(STUTTERS) And she'll
pet me heavy...
Heavily, and it's heavenly.
I know.
I like to take a candle
and just drip the wax
all over our nipples.
Ooh! Yes, I love that.
- Yeah.
- Oh, perfect, 'cause we do the candle thing almost every...
- night.
Yeah, all the time.
And then we'll, uh,
wipe that off with a...
hot rag.
Or a towelette, moist.
Very moist.
- Yeah.
- Moist.
And we throw that away.
- Oh, we recycle it.
- We are...
- earth-conscious.
- Yeah.
And then...
JESSE: Then what?
Don't hold back.
Then he takes my...
my bra off...
- That's right.
- With his teeth.
That's like me knocking
on the bra's door.
And then...
And then her panties...
Gone. They're gone.
Not gonna need those
where we're going.
He takes those off
with his boner.
Yes. Yes, I do.
How do you do that?
A dick-gician never tells.
It's very curved
at the end, so...
My little katana.
Made me think of the katana
with your kimono.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I get
really turned on.
Yeah, I get really wet.
Yeah, and I'm wet too
because she's...
So wet like a Slip'N Slide.
CAL: Mm-hmm.
- And...
We look at each other
with really intense eye contact.
And we know it's on.
- Okay.
- That's right. It is okay.
Because in that moment,
two have become one.
But also...
three can become one.
That's... sex math.
What are you doing?
Oh, do you wanna do me first?
We can just do that.
Yeah, I can just be
the water boy.
- What?
- I'll just stand in the corner.
- He'll just jerk off.
- Yeah.
Uh... Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Are you two retarded?
BOTH: What?
- Who says "retarded"?
- Nobody says that anymore.
What did you think
that this was?
- Uh, we thought...
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
You thought I wanted to have
a threesome with you two?
That's so embarrassing.
MAL: Um, yeah, you were
touching us all night long.
- You touched her all over here.
- Yeah, my shoulders.
No, honey, you were just
feeling my energy.
CAL: That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
- You were touching her in a sexual way.
You put her... (MAL SCOFFS)
mouth around your finger.
- That turned me on.
- See?
We came back from the bathroom
and you were naked.
Yeah, so I could breathe.
- Uh...
- Do you not see how that's just a little misleading?
Oh, what, are you two afraid
of a little nudity? Boo!
- Oh.
- God.
(STAMMERS) Now you're just flashing us.
We are receiving
the right message.
You don't know
what you're sending out.
- Wow.
- What is it with your generation and nudity? Who cares?
- Our generation? We're like...
- What?
- Five years older than you.
- If that.
- I get carded all the time.
- All the time.
You know what? I think
that you two should leave.
I can't even stand
being in here right now.
I'm moving. Go.
Okay. Yeah, not a problem.
You know what, because your living
space is giving me an aroma migraine.
- Yeah.
- All this sandalwood in the air.
You need to tone it down, missy.
Yes, and you know,
check out some 311 because
they are chill as fuck.
- And your blood flow is fucked, by the way.
- Okay. Get out, freaks!
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We'll get out. We're the freaks.
- We're the freaks. Okay.
- Here you go.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, beads.
How fucking surprising!
We're freaks? She's a freak.
Horny little freak.
I will never say this again,
but she was asking for it.
A threesome? You guys?
Is there something
wrong with us?
No, we could totally have
a threesome if we wanted to.
- Totally.
- Totally.
All right.
So what are the rules?
- No jealousy.
- No, I don't have time for that.
And whoever we pick, they're
just there for our own enjoyment.
They're for our pleasure.
They're a fucktoy.
They don't mean anything.
- They don't mean anything.
- No.
- What else?
- Uh, it has to be the right person.
- Of course, we both have to agree.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kissing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Touching.
- Yeah.
- Hand stuff, of course.
- Oh, fuck yeah.
- Below the belt?
- Yeah.
Well, where do we draw the line?
Where do you
wanna draw the line?
(WHISPERS) I don't think
I wanna draw a line.
Color outside the lines.
All right. I'm in.
- It's awesome. Surf's up.
- Surf's up.
We're gonna find our unicorn.
Is here all right for you guys?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Got another pick up.
Just gotta make a pit stop.
What is happening?
We're surging.
- You are so cheap.
- I'm saving for us.
Oh, my God, I can tell
you're half-wasted already.
How dare you not wait for me?
You dick.
(WHISPERS) What about her?
GIRL: Shut up.
- That was a test.
GIRL: Shut the fuck up.
MAL: Okay.
- We gotta be on the same page.
I'm sorry, it's my best friend.
Wait for me before you guys
get too crazy. Stop.
Oh, did you pull out
the dick lollipops yet?
- I'm ready, dude. I'm fucking...
- Hey, this, uh, GPS isn't showing.
Is it like a hotel or like a...
Like a bar or something?
It's, like, up here
on the left. You'll see it.
It's like a really sick club.
- Club.
- Yeah, we gotta go club.
- We gotta go to the club.
- I told you to wait for me!
I hate you.
Hey, we're not from around here.
Is it cool if we join you?
GIRL: Hey, we're with
Hailey's bachelorette.
What is that, a postal code?
You guys...
(ENUNCIATING) "Intensity."
Fucking duh. Okay?
Just come on. I'm late.
Fucking duh.
Oh, I get it.
MAL: I don't know
if we're at the right place.
I'm just enjoying
the atmosphere.
Oh, my God. Loosen up.
- What do you mean?
- It's too hot for you in here.
All these hot guys
with their little booty shorts.
I feel perfectly comfortable.
- Really?
- I appreciate the body as a work of art.
Male and female.
Excellent body, but we're good.
We don't have cash.
No cash.
Oh. You can't handle it.
This is funny to you?
MAL: What?
- This funny to you?
- No.
- Then why are you sitting in the front row,
laughing and not tipping?
We don't have any cash.
Well, then why are you here?
It's a strip club.
If you don't have any money,
then you should leave.
All right. This isn't a joke.
This is N10CT.
People come here
to embrace their sexuality,
as adults.
Not laugh at it like children.
You know,
I feel sorry
for people like you.
(SCOFFS) So limited.
We just...
(STAMMERS) I don't know.
Have a better night.
Oh, my God. What was that?
CAL: Hey, man. I'm really...
No, I get it. You thought
it'd be funny to come in here.
- No.
- You thought it'd be crazy.
Some sort of crazy story
to tell your friends about
that you went to,
uh, a male strip club.
- It...
- Look, man. No. I don't wanna hear it, okay?
GIRL 1: You gotta stay hydrated.
GIRL 2: Cheers, all!
- It is nothing like that.
- Oh, come on.
You have no idea what it
takes to run this place.
I work my ass off.
I paid for my house in cash.
I have two pools.
I have fucked so many women
in this place.
Wait, you're not gay?
I am.
But I fuck women.
- I mean, I can be gay and fuck women.
CAL: Yeah.
I can be straight
and fuck men. I don't...
CAL: Totally. Of course. No.
- I mean, it's whatever.
We don't have any problem
with your personal life.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for telling me.
Thanks for coming in here,
and letting me know
that you have no problem
with my lifestyle.
- Oh, come on. Let's just go. He's an asshole.
- No. No.
I've had a gay experience.
- What?
- It was a boy.
- Ew.
- No.
That's not a gay experience.
No, I was a boy. We both...
We both were boys.
What are you talking about?
- I've never told you this story before?
- No.
- You sure?
- Yeah. I'm pretty sure.
Oh. Well, now you gotta tell us.
Well, his... His name
was Corey Crown. We...
lived in the same neighborhood,
and we would play Shinobi III,
and rollerblade after school.
One day we were at his house and we'd
stolen his brother's Green Day CD,
so we were just dancing around in
his room, just having a great time,
and I don't know
how it started happening, but...
our clothing
started to come off.
And then we were naked.
Dancing around naked,
and it was fun.
And it was also scary,
and felt wrong,
but it didn't matter.
And then I noticed that something
was going on with his weiner.
And that...
something was going on
with my weiner, too.
We had boners.
I mean, everything kind of
gives you a boner at that age.
Oh, there's a lot of cartoon shit
out there that can get you hard.
Anyway, so, we just
kind of stood there,
and stared at our little penises
for a while,
and then we just inched
closer and closer together
until we were face to face, and
our little penises were eye to eye.
And then what?
And then we just touched
them together for a bit.
I mean, that's it.
You docked penises?
CAL: We didn't dock them,
we touched them, and...
- You just touched them together?
- Touched them together.
You kissed your boners together.
I'm saying something very
vulnerable here, and you're...
No, no, it's amazing.
I... I can't believe it.
Anyway, then his brother
busted in, and yelled at us,
and took his CD back, and we never
really talked about it ever again.
And I think, just being here...
brought that up,
and I was laughing,
because these guys are
intimidating, and I was intimidated.
So I laughed. So I'm sorry.
Okay, okay. It's fine.
Forget about it.
I'm Tyson.
- I'm Cal.
- Mal.
That's cute.
- Shots?
Compared to you, I mean,
I was a late bloomer.
I... For me, my first time
was in high school.
MAL: Oh, my God.
Tell this story.
His name was Hugh Turner,
and he was the captain
of the boys' lacrosse team.
And he sucked me off in Coach Clark's
office one day after practice.
- Well, it's a quicker story than yours.
BOTH: Yes.
It was one of the most...
erotic experiences of my life.
I can still feel it right now.
Wow. And that's when
you knew that you were gay?
Ugh! What?
No. Why are you so bent on figuring
out whether I'm gay or not,
or when I found out I was gay.
Gay, bi, poly...
What's with these labels?
Don't label me.
And don't label yourselves.
No, I dated a girl
in college, actually, so...
Really? So that's when
you knew you were gay.
- Did you guys have sex?
No, I mean, we...
We just made out.
- A couple of times.
- Mm. Okay. And how long did that
go on for?
I believe I went on,
like, a few dates.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, I thought
it was just one date.
Yeah, it was a couple dates, but it
was nothing. It wasn't a big deal.
It was so dumb.
Yeah, so you both
have had a little...
- A little... A little taste.
MAL: Yeah.
So, you don't even really,
like, have to dance anymore?
No, I don't.
I mean, I love to dance, but...
You know, I only do it
on a special occasion.
Hmm, well,
tonight's a special occasion.
TYSON: Hmm...
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Mm, I guess it is.
You know that, uh, the CD's
Now That's What I Call Music?
CAL: Uh-huh.
CAL: That's from this?
MAL: Is that what this is?
No, but I'm just thinking,
"Now that's what I call music."
CAL: Wow.
Hey, Tyson, I gotta say this
place is so incredibly impressive.
I mean,
you have your own business,
you get to do
what you wanna do every night.
I am jealous of you.
You should be.
It's incredible.
- It's so awesome.
- It's awesome.
- I think it's amazing.
- My life is better than anybody else's I know.
There's literally no downside
to what I do.
It shows.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
Well, you're welcome
here anytime.
If you'd like to audition,
you're more than welcome.
- Uh, nope, I can't do that.
Stop it. Yes, you could.
- No.
- Yes, you could.
Oh, yeah, if I had time
to train, and all that,
but, like, I...
There's no way I could do
- what you guys do.
- Oh, yes, you could.
- I mean, I would get better over time.
- Yeah.
What are you...
What are you saying?
You could, you couldn't?
I don't think I could do it,
but if I had...
I think you could,
but you're just afraid to.
Aren't you?
A little...
Do you know what that is?
It's a little anxious
and apprehensive.
- Oh.
- Yeah, come here. It's easy. I'll teach you.
- Get up, Cal.
- Get up.
MAL: Oh, my God.
CAL: Okay.
TYSON: Mmm...
MAL: Yeah.
- Come here.
All right, just give me a
little dance to start off with.
Stop that. Stop that.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. Shh. Hey.
Stop. Hey.
(SOFTLY) Come here.
Come here. Shh.
Start small.
- Real small, real slow.
- Real small?
MAL: Ooh, yeah.
Good. Sensual body of yours.
Oh, you got a great body.
Thank you. You are very...
- He's very strong.
- Well, that's good.
- All bodies are great.
Just gotta learn
how to appreciate them.
- That's such a nice thing to say.
- Yeah.
Now, start to move that hip.
- There you go.
- Going around.
Pretend like you got
a hula hoop around that...
Very slow. Very...
Heavy, heavy hula hoops.
It's filled with water.
It's just...
(MOANS) Just splashing
that around.
- Hula hoop so heavy.
You can't let that
touch the ground.
Do it like he's doing it.
- Like, really smooth.
- I am trying.
- Anybody can do it.
You just gotta move your body in
a way that you never have before.
It is just like letting go.
- You know?
- Yes.
Oh. Come on, Cal.
Smooth. Smooth.
You gotta believe that
you're the sexiest man alive.
- Fuck yeah.
- And that wand between your legs?
- Yeah? What about it?
- Sexiest thing in the world.
- Yeah?
- And everybody wants it.
Look at her with your cock.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Get over here.
- Yeah.
MAL: Ooh, yeah.
- Go for it, Cal.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
This is my fantasy.
TYSON: Now we're all
dancing together, right?
- Yeah.
MAL: Ooh, give it to him.
- Yeah.
TYSON: Feel good? That's fun?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
MAL: Yeah.
- Now be a little naughty.
- Oh. Oh.
TYSON: Now you're
tossing it around.
TYSON: Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Whee!
TYSON: Yeah, just let go.
CAL: Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
TYSON: It's so fun.
- Oh, my God. Keep it going.
Oh, just let go.
My hands become your hands.
TYSON: Oh, that's so...
- Get in there. Yeah.
- Yeah, you want me to be a naughty boy?
- Tell me what you're gonna do.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Yeah, what you wanna do?
- Oh, you're going down.
- Wanna be naughty? Be naughty.
- You've just been playing around.
- Ooh, you've been bad.
- Ooh... Uh-oh.
Ooh, suck that.
- Yeah.
- Suck that. Don't bite it. Suck that.
There you go. There you go.
TYSON: You playing around? You
messing around? You gonna do this?
- Huh? You want him to do this?
- Yeah, I want him to.
- Yeah, I want him to do this.
- Whatever he wants to do.
- Do whatever you want. Do it.
- Do whatever you want.
- I'm gonna do this.
- That's good.
- What do you want?
- All right. You want me to...
- Oh, yeah.
- You just... You want me to put it in my mouth?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, I feel good.
- Yeah, grab it.
MAL: Wait, what...
- I feel good.
MAL: Oh, my...
- Suck on it. Suck on it.
- Okay. Stop, stop.
- Whoa.
- Stop, stop...
What are you doing?
(STUTTERS) I... I'm just
doing what you told me to do.
No, I only wanted you to do
what you wanted.
You said this was your fantasy.
No, it's not my fantasy.
I thought it was your fantasy.
- Oh, no, I don't want to...
- If you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it.
Great. We don't have to do it.
But you were so into it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ty...
- No, I was just feeling...
- No, don't be sorry.
This is confusing.
You guys are figuring it out.
MAL: I'm sorry.
- You're doing a great job.
- It's fine.
- I'm so sorry.
- We led you on.
TYSON: Look, this happens all the time.
- It does?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry if we...
I didn't even...
- I thought that...
- You said you were kinda gay, I thought...
- This is a big part, and you became anxious.
- I'm... I guess I'm not...
I thought this was your
big chance to suck a dick.
- Hey.
- I don't need... even need that chance.
Yeah, I know. (STAMMERS)
I'm glad we stopped before you
did something you didn't wanna do.
CAL: Thank you.
TYSON: Look at that.
MAL: Cool.
TYSON: What do you say we get some drinks?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- That'd be great.
- Man, I came twice.
- What's that?
MAL: What?
TYSON: I get
so fucking exhausted.
- Okay.
- Okay, so you guys are completely committed to this?
- Yeah...
- Well...
(STAMMERS) Yes, we are.
- We do... Yeah, we're serious.
- Yes. Yeah.
Mm, you need a professional.
- Like you?
- No, I'm a dancer.
You need a professional.
(SCRIBBLING ON PAPER) - She's incredible.
I've known her for years.
And if you're looking
for a threesome...
this is your girl.
- Is she a prostitute?
No, not a 'tute.
A top-notch escort.
We're talking upper-echelon
female companionship.
Give her a call.
She'll take care of you.
- We're locked and loaded.
- Mm-hmm.
We can't turn back.
- No.
- Can't turn back.
- Just gonna talk to her and figure it out.
- Mm-hmm.
- I will talk to her.
It's just like calling and making
an appointment for a haircut.
"Hey, will you come
suck my dick? Cool. Bye."
And, lift off.
Hi, you've reached April.
Leave a message.
- I can't do it. You have to do it.
- What? No.
- Yeah, talk.
- Just...
Hi, this is Mary.
And I got your number
from Tyson, so, um,
if you wanna just
give me a call,
that would be great, baby.
- What?
- That was great.
- Why did I say "baby"?
You said "baby," and that means
you're cool and you're friendly.
Feel like I'm some kinda
old jazz musician.
- Little bit, but...
- "Yeah, baby."
I wouldn't have said
"baby," honestly.
- But this is the...
- "Put it on the snare."
That's fine. It's done.
- Great.
- It's done. It's a waiting game.
- Do you have any cash?
- I got like 40 bucks.
Well, it's not enough.
How do you know?
'Cause Julia Roberts
costs, like, $3,000 for a night.
Like, the real Julia Roberts?
In Pretty Woman.
No, no. Prostitutes operate
on a sliding scale.
It's not low-income housing.
In Pretty Woman, she says $3,000
because Richard Gere picks her up
in, like, a sports car and takes
her to a really nice hotel.
But if you were to pick her up in a Honda
Civic, and take her to some shit hotel,
she would get a lot less money.
- Well, okay, should we look more poor, or something?
- Yeah.
- Should we hide the laptop?
- Definitely.
You shouldn't have
washed your balls.
I know, I...
I think we're losing focus here.
No. Yeah, totally. Totally.
Okay, I have 300 bucks in the car.
It's for emergencies only.
It's in my bug-out bag.
Oh, my God,
like, your zombie bag?
You told me
you stopped doing that.
I told you I stopped doing that because
you kept making fun of me for doing that.
Well, yeah, you wanted
to hide a gun in the yard.
And as far as you know, I still
have not buried a gun in the yard.
What I'm trying to say is,
we have 340 bucks to work with.
- That's good.
Oh. Shit. Fuck.
APRIL: Hi, um, is this Mary?
- No.
- Yes.
Oh. Yeah, sorry. Um...
Yeah, Tyson gave us your number.
"Us"? Um, how many
of you are there?
Just two. It's just my boyfriend and me.
My fiance.
- Yo.
- That's him. He just said, "Yo."
Um, we were just wondering
if you wanted to party.
Um, party. Uh, okay.
Uh, well, I provide
incall massage services.
- Yes, that's a code.
- Okay. Yeah, that's great.
Okay, um, where are you at?
Actually, um, I was wondering
how much it costs.
Well, it's $150
for a couple's massage,
and after that,
it's sort of a sliding scale.
(WHISPERS) That's what I said.
That's what I said!
- That's what I said.
- Okay, great. Great. Um...
- Yeah, let's do that.
Okay. Um, well,
text me your address,
and I'll let you know
when I'm on my way.
Also, if there's
a fucking bachelor party,
or a fucking rubber fist
or anything, I bounce.
No, totally. We don't have
a rubber fist. We're cool.
(LAUGHS) I'm teasing. Sorry.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
- Totally... (STUTTERS) Okay, bye.
- Okay.
- Oh, God.
- She actually sounded pretty sweet.
- Very sweet. I'm drinking.
Wait, you're gonna get
whiskey dick.
Yeah, I need whiskey dick
if I'm gonna perform.
- We gotta get this place set up.
This place is, like,
way too bright.
- It is too bright. It's too bright.
- We need candles.
- Oh, wait.
- We need some fucking candles.
- We can't have candles. It's a hotel.
- They don't let you.
- What?
They don't let you have candles in
a hotel 'cause you'll burn it down.
Okay, well, we gotta put, like,
shirts on these things, or something.
That's a fire hazard, too.
No, these are LEDs. They give off very
little heat and they last forever.
- Just like your whiskey dick.
- Yes.
- Okay, great. Um...
- This one, too.
- You need to calm down.
- What?
Why don't you get the ice,
and go get the cash,
- and I'll make this, like, a sex palace?
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, ice and cash. That's great.
Oh, wait. What do you think?
- These guys.
- Um, um... I don't know.
- That looks so crazy. I don't know. Make it stop.
- What? Like, crazy good?
- No, bad.
- What?
- Off... On...
- Stop. Off or on?
- Off.
- Off.
Okay. Off it is.
All right. Getting ice,
getting money. I'll be back.
- "Get it money"?
- Getting money.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. And get it, babe.
MAN: Ice, ice baby!
- Oh, shit.
- Charlie.
Uh, yeah. We're good.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- How's it going on, man?
- Sit, sit, sit.
- No, I can't. I gotta...
- No, no, no. Sit, sit. Sit down. Sit down.
- I really gotta run.
I... (SIGHS)
What's going on?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Shh! I snuck out.
- I don't need your permission?
- Okay.
Dude, don't...
Um, are you okay?
Is everything okay?
Everything's fine.
- Okay.
- No, it's not.
But, hey, things happen.
All right.
It's, like, so late, man.
Katie cheated on me.
On you?
Fucking crazy.
(SHOUTING) On you?
- Look at me.
- What the fuck is wrong with her?
- I'm a fucking beast of a man.
She cheated on you?
- Can't make no sense of that.
- That's...
- She's out of her goddamn mind.
- She is, right?
- What the fuck is that...
- I cheated on her, though, first.
But, you know, we were separated, so is
that really cheating? (CHUCKLES) Come on.
I should make us
some drinks, huh?
Think I'm gonna hide my purse.
- Or like...
You never know.
- Hi.
- It's like our marriage was, um...
What's that word for "fake"?
- Uh, sham.
- No, no.
- Uh, phoney. Lie.
- No, no, no.
- It's fucking... The word.
- Um...
- Let's get it.
- False.
No, fuck it. Fake.
- Our marriage was a fake.
- No.
Well, where... I mean,
you guys worked it out.
You guys are back together.
- You're good.
- Yeah, yeah. When we found out Katie was pregnant,
we decided that
we were gonna work it out.
So I decided to move back in.
You found out she was pregnant
while you were separated?
I knew you were smart.
- Oh, my God.
- "Oh, my God" is right.
- Well, that's...
- Those two babies,
inside of her,
they might not be mine.
Hopefully, like, one of them is.
I mean, that's not
how it works, but...
- Maybe.
- It could be yours, right?
Yeah, we were still fucking.
All right. That's good.
But, I mean, it's hard not to
think about the alternative, right?
Yeah. What are you...
What are you guys gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna continue
to love my wife,
because she means
the world to me.
And I decided that
we are gonna raise
those kids together
no matter whose they are,
and that's it.
I think you're gonna
be okay, Charlie. Okay?
Oh, hey, Caleb, I love you, man.
I love you too, bud.
And one day, if you ever decide to marry
my beautiful, incredible sister-in-law,
we're gonna be family.
We will.
- We will be.
- Brothers.
Wait, where is Malory?
I... I have to go.
- Where is she?
- I'm so sorry. She's in the room.
- Oh, my God. Go, go, go.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'ma sleep out here. Under the stars.
- All right.
- Go, go, go. Get back to what you were doing.
- Hey, look, I got you a blanket.
Got me a blanket.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Take care, buddy.
- See you tomorrow.
- Love you, Charlie.
Love you too, man.
That's the word we were
trying to figure out. "Facade."
Facade, yes.
Yes, good word.
Yeah, that's a very good word.
Um, so, I don't really know
if this is, like, the best idea.
Did you clog the toilet?
Cal, this is April.
April, Cal.
Hi, April.
I'm Mal. Cal. I am Cal.
Caleb. "Cal" is fine.
"Cal" is fine.
- Hi, Cal.
- Oh, yeah.
(MOUTHING) I don't know. Drinks?
MAL: And...
- Yeah.
Now we all know each other.
CAL: Great.
You got... That was
really good timing.
- That was very fast.
Wait, why are you guys in town?
Oh, my parents
are renewing their vows.
Oh, that's cute.
Yeah, it's kind of torture
though, but it's cute.
Yeah, but you guys don't
have to worry about that now.
We're not cops.
- What?
- Uh... We're not cops.
We hate cops.
Malory really hates them.
I mean, it's fine, I know all
the cops in this town, anyway.
- Yeah.
- I grew up here.
It's a pretty small town.
I mean, a lot of the cops
are old family friends.
Oh, cool. I don't, like,
hate cops. I mean...
Just... I was texting
at a stoplight once,
and I got a ticket
for $400, so...
- I mean, I'm holding a grudge.
CAL: Right.
- Right.
- Yeah.
This is our first time.
- I can tell.
- Yeah.
- It's cool.
CAL: Cool.
Cool, cool.
- Oh, my God. Same nail polish.
- Oh, wow. Crazy.
BOTH: Cheers.
MAL: Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
Malory and I will
get our nails painted together.
I'll just do, like, a clear coat.
Sometimes he gets
his toe painted gold.
I do that.
I just started getting my big
toe painted for, like, good luck,
and my little secret,
or something.
Mm-hmm. That's rad.
So, where do you guys
wanna do it?
Do what?
- The massage.
- Oh.
- Wherever.
- The bed?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Or wherever.
Or, you know, the bed.
- Right?
- That seems to make sense to me.
Who wants to go first?
I do.
APRIL: Cool. Okay.
Leading off, Malory.
How is that?
APRIL: Do you like that?
MAL: Mm-hmm.
You like it soft?
Oh, your skin is perfection.
MAL: This feels amazing.
Come over here.
Don't be shy.
APRIL: Here.
You should do behind her knees.
- It makes her go crazy.
Oh, my God. That's too much.
That was so amazing.
Thank you.
And the sky is gray
I've been for a walk
On a winter's day
I'd be safe and warm
If I was in LA
Ooh, California dreaming
On such a winter's day
- Ow.
She's a better kisser.
- Oh, I didn't... I wasn't even ready.
- I'm just kidding.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Are you?
- Yeah.
- Okay, good.
I'm gonna use...
I'm gonna use the restroom.
MAL: Oh, God.
Do you want water?
Oh, yeah.
CAL: Fuck. Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yes.
Okay, I can't.
(STUTTERS) I just...
I can't do this.
It's fine.
We can take it slower.
No, I don't think
we can go slower now.
MAL: Wait, what's wrong?
- Are you okay?
- It's... You just...
You don't move like that
when I do that. You don't...
wiggle like that, or make
those noises when I do that.
- Do what?
- When I...
When you eat her out?
Yes. Yeah, sure,
when I eat you out.
Yes, I do. You're great at it.
I'm not that great.
And then I was...
I was kissing you, and...
And you weren't even
kissing me back.
And I just thought,
"You know what?
"This is cool.
I'm gonna be the water boy."
So I was gonna go
in the bathroom,
and I was gonna
fucking beat off,
and it was gonna be
a great time.
And I couldn't do it,
Malory. Okay?
Because I can't be
the water boy.
Okay? I can't. I can't just
sit here and watch you.
Okay. We could just take it
slow, or just not do it at all.
Like, we don't
have to do anything.
Do you wanna be with her?
- What?
- Do you wanna be with her?
Are you more attracted
to her than me?
No, we're doing this together.
No, this...
What's together about this?
This isn't together.
Yeah, 'cause you're standing up,
yelling at us.
- What are you doing?
- Because I'm mad, Malory.
Because I'm mad,
and I'm... And I'm...
turned on,
and I'm confused, and...
It's fine. Sometimes
people feel left out.
"Feel left out"?
I just feel left out,
like kickball?
I think you just
need to breathe.
I am breathing.
That solves fucking everything.
Doesn't that feel good?
Just air.
Solves all the fucking problems,
doesn't it?
Okay, well, just calm down.
We're done.
Sorry, April.
- Cal, we wanted to do this together.
- Yeah.
You know, this is so you.
This is so not a surprise to me.
You can't fucking handle it.
You want shit in your life, and you
don't actually go for it when it comes.
Roll with the moment
like it's happening. Do it.
Like, we haven't even pulled the
fucking trigger on getting married.
This is not about that.
So why are we doing this? What's
wrong with our relationship?
I don't know,
but this isn't... healthy.
Oh, so you wanna be, like, a normal,
healthy couple like Katie and Charlie?
(NASAL VOICE) "Oh, we're gonna
have a baby, we're so excited!
"We're gonna drive an SUV..."
I just ran into Charlie
before this happened.
- And?
- They're not... They're not doing that good.
What the fuck do you want?
We've been engaged
for four fucking years.
- That's so long.
- Oh, right. Right.
No one does that.
Yeah, that's me. That's on me.
Well, then who is it on? You? Me?
Both of us? What are we doing?
I don't know, okay?
CAL: Great. Great.
- What, did you order a fourth?
- Oh, God.
Yeah, hold on.
I think I'm gonna go.
But you still owe me $150
for the massage.
- Oh, my God.
What the hell?
I've been trying to reach you.
Charlie is missing.
Charlie's fine.
He's at the pool.
Who are you?
Um, I said it's $150.
Uh, yeah.
Mal, is that a hooker?
She's a massage therapist.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Stop.
- Seriously. You pick tonight to have another threesome.
- Katie.
CAL: Another?
I thought you'd never
done this before.
What the fuck, Mal?
This was supposed to be something that
we did together for the first time.
Cal, I...
- Shit.
- What else haven't you told me?
You lied to me.
I didn't lie to you,
I just didn't tell you because
I knew you'd get jealous.
I'm not jealous,
I'm just confused.
It's been seven years, Mal.
It should be easy.
We should know.
And I don't know.
Well, if you don't know, then...
don't you know?
Where are you going?
I don't know, okay?
I'll get... Charlie.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
KATIE AND MAL: Open the window.
- What?
- What? Oh, he's got his own button.
- Open it.
- Push it.
- Yeah, I got it.
- I could pull over.
Oh, shit.
MAL: Oh.
KATIE: Oh, God.
CHARLIE: My eyes feel like lava.
CAL: I can just hose that off.
That'll come right off.
MAL: Oh, I wanna vomit.
You smell like you're sweating
wild turkey, honey.
Yeah, I had
a bit of a long night.
Well, get it together, because
it's gonna be a longer day.
LOU: Hey, there he is!
CAL: How you doing?
- Feeling better?
- Oh, yeah. Little bit.
Shower was amazing.
Want a drink?
Oh, no. I'll probably
never drink again.
What, a wild
Palm Springs evening, was it?
Don't ask, don't tell.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know...
as I look as you two guys
sitting here,
I just wanna say,
from the bottom of my heart,
that I am so pleased and proud
that you're both
a part of my family.
Thank you, sir.
And unofficially.
EDIE: ...the two of you
communicate, that's the key,
to be able to go through
every single thing as partners.
You gotta be on the same page,
understand each other.
Where's Cal, by the way?
Oh, I don't know.
LOU: It was like
a nuclear bomb went off.
And those little girls,
Katie and Mal, boy,
you gotta know that those
girls are precious to me.
They got into my heart.
They grabbed onto me
and wouldn't let go.
I never said this
to any of your guys before,
but I can't have my own kids.
Don't have any fish in the sack.
You know what I mean?
And I don't know
what happened last night, guys,
I really don't need to know
what happened,
but I want you both to know
that a man's ego is a powerful,
powerful piece of shit.
It can destroy a lot of things.
It is a major-league buzzkill.
I want you to learn how to
accept, forgive, and move on.
That's the key to happiness.
EDIE: ...amazing...
- Hello?
EDIE: No, no, no.
- There you are.
- No.
EDIE: No, no, no.
LOU: What do you mean, "No, no, no"?
Let me look at that face.
- No, no, no.
LOU: Come on.
No, it's bad luck to see the
bride on the wedding day.
- It is not bad luck, honey, come on.
- It is bad luck.
Besides, Henry's
our good-luck charm.
EDIE: Where is Henry?
I haven't seen him yet.
EDIE: Well, is he out there setting
stuff up? LOU: I don't know.
(MOUTHING) Fuck. - What do you
mean you don't know? Where's Henry?
So what are we gonna do?
We're gonna pick up Henry.
Yeah, I know. I...
Just... What are "we" gonna do?
I don't know.
I can ride back with my sister.
I really think that
We could make it, girl
I really think that
We could make it, girl
I really think that
We could make it...
MAL: Hey, we're here for Henry.
Did no one call you?
What? No. No one called us.
(SIGHS) Darn.
It's just that I'm not, uh,
properly trained for this.
What happened?
(SIGHS) Um...
Last night, Henry...
in his sleep, um...
Chris, Alex.
- Bastards!
- Oh!
- He fucking died?
- Oh, no!
- No, no!
- He's dead?
No! How did he die?
What happened?
He was old.
They just go.
Oh, my God.
He went peacefully
in his sleep, though,
(STAMMERING) is what they said.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
CAL: All right.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Oh, my...
- Thank you.
- Sorry. Sorry, again.
CAL: Yeah.
Hold, uh... Hold up.
Which Henry was yours?
MAL: Addleberg.
That's... Okay.
That's Henry Barnett.
- What?
- Fuck, man!
- What the fuck?
- Are you serious?
MAL: Maybe you ask
that question first.
You gotta be careful with that.
- That's not good.
- I didn't...
- I did not mean to...
It's all right.
Where's our Henry?
Room 318.
- 318. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. 318.
- Oh, uh...
I'm sorry. (STUTTERS)
You can't just go up there.
Uh, what's your name?
Malory Carter.
We're in kind of a rush,
so if you could just...
- Malory Carter?
- Yeah.
It's "Karter" with a "K"?
No, with a "C."
(STUTTERS) That's actually...
That's not gonna be possible,
'cause your name's not on the
list of approved family contacts.
Can't you just please
let us go up? It's...
We're in such a hurry,
and it's so important.
It's protocol.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's been a pretty rough night.
And we would like to
just move on with our day.
MAL: Please just help us out.
No, I can't do that.
MAL: Come on, come on.
Nobody's picking up.
CAL: They're doing wedding stuff.
- Fuck!
Can I get a drag of that?
I'm not leaving here
Well... Thanks.
He said no.
So, what are you gonna do?
Can your parents just
use their imagination?
Can he marry them?
Do you wanna go?
Why does it fucking matter?
It does. It fucking matters.
'Cause it matters to my parents,
so it matters to me, okay?
And fuck that guy in there, playing
games in his phone. He sucks.
He can't win today.
I need a win.
Hi, excuse me.
Is there a restroom I can use?
I have to pee.
Yeah, there's one
right over there.
Where are you going?
Uh, is there a restroom
over here, by chance?
There's just the restroom right here.
You can wait here, if you need to.
Sorry, Gabe?
Gabe. Sorry.
I just wanna let you know it's really,
really gross in the bathroom. It's like...
someone did a real paint job
in there. It's... (RETCHING)
It's always a mess 'cause the...
'cause of all the laxatives
that everybody takes here.
Can you clean it?
Maintenance to lobby restroom.
Oh, no. Can you clean it?
Like, just...
I can't... I can't do it
'cause I can't leave the desk.
Okay, I'll see you in the car.
Cal, wait.
Come on.
We're gonna bust Henry
out of this place.
MAL: That's a cute shirt.
This is what they give you.
It's... Everybody has them here.
The color's, like, perfect.
Do you have a girlfriend?
No, not now.
Do you want one?
I have someone who probably
would like you a lot.
If... Yeah, I would be...
I mean...
I would be interested.
MAL: What color eyes do you have?
Blue, right?
Hey, man, is, uh,
that supposed to be happening?
- Aw, fuck! Fire!
Damn it.
Did you see who did it?
There was a guy smoking there.
- Did you get his hair, and...
- White hair.
- White hair?
- Yeah. He went...
Okay, search. We gotta...
- Okay, go get him. And I'll meet you in the back.
- Okay.
He got 50,000 watts
In a big acoustic tower
Security's so tight tonight
Oh, they're ready
For a tussle
Gotta keep your
Backstage passes
'Cause your promoter Had the muscle
And so it goes
And so it goes...
- Come on.
- You know I can walk, right?
But where it's goin'
No one knows
And so it goes and so it goes
And so it goes
And so it goes...
I'm here alone, man.
Come over here.
Ah, this is the worst day!
That was crazy!
- Crazy!
- That was awesome!
That was fantastic!
- I mean, Mal... No.
- You were so awesome.
That was awesome. You saw a
window, and you went for it.
- No, I mean, it was your...
- How did you even find him?
I just feel like
we need to kidnap more people.
- We just have to kidnap more people.
- Anytime.
- That was so cool.
- Anytime.
We didn't need the flares.
- But...
- I liked the flares.
- I liked them. I liked the flares.
- I liked the flares.
I thought that was a good touch. one knows
And so it goes and so it goes
And so it goes and so it goes
But where it's goin'
No one knows
Hey, hey, you guys.
One minute. One second.
I wanna read...
I wanna read the speech I'm
gonna do at the ceremony later.
Practice, okay?
I gotta help them
set up the chairs.
Hey, Cal, hold on, hold on.
I need two people.
- Stay. It'll take a minute.
- Okay.
Okay. So, here we go.
"It's foolish, idiotic,
insane, even,
"to believe there is
one person out there
"that we could ever
possibly hope to track down,
"and live a perfectly happy
existence with."
That's a little harsh.
Uh, hold on. Hang in there.
"Yet these two stand here before us
and say, 'We commit to this insanity.'
"These two have said, 'Rational
thought is against us.
"'Divorce rates are against us.
"'You and I
are both deeply flawed.
"'But we will continue to challenge all
the forces that jeopardize our union.'
"Like sailors on the open sea,
they have been through it all.
"And still, they stand together
to weather the next storm.
"And the next one after that.
"So, today, we celebrate the foolishness,
recklessness, and complete lack of rationale
"that has gone into making
this couple so strong.
"Today we celebrate love and all
of its beautiful imperfections.
"And of course,
with the exchange of rings."
Oh, wait.
We got this.
What about you?
What is that?
It's, um,
from the smoke grenade.
HENRY: Perfect.
So, uh, Cal.
Do you take Mal
to be your lady love
forever and ever-ish
kind of thing?
I do.
All right.
This ring is gross.
And, Mal.
Do you take Cal here to be your
dude for everlasting-ness-ness?
I do.
It's a little big.
It's a little... Yeah.
But I can just get it resized.
And inscribed.
Well, okay.
"And so today, by the power vested
in me by the State of California,
"I now pronounce you
man and wife."
Now kiss, you maniacs.
Or not. I don't really care.
You know what I mean, you know.
You don't have to kiss.
I mean, that's...
You are a much better kisser
than me.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
So, did Henry secretly marry us?
I think so.
- He's good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
He's, like, too good.
Do you feel different?
I feel good.
- Good.
- I feel really good.
I don't feel different.
Should I?
It's probably because we're not
technically married, like...
We're only married in the
eyes of Henry and the Lord.
- Right. We need a marriage license.
- Yes.
Of course. We can just
pick up the license tomorrow.
- Oh, they'll be closed on Sunday.
- Oh, right.
Monday's a little tough for me.
I think Tuesday would be better.
I just can't do Tuesday.
I think I'll be working.
Okay. Wednesday?
- I can try for Wednesday.
- I can't.
- You can't do Wednesday?
- No.
- Oh, okay.
- At all, actually.
- Oh.
- Wow, I can't even believe I suggested it.
No, it's a bad day.
I love you.
I love you, too.
One, two, three
That's how elementary
It's gonna be
Come on
Let's fall in love, it's easy
Like taking candy from a baby
A, B, C
Falling in love with you
Was easy for me
And you can do it, too...
What time is it?
(SHUDDERS) Fucking bugs on my...
It's the biggest bug
I've ever seen.
Oh, my God.
Like a Slip'N Slide, just...
- fly right in.
CAL: But before that
we have candles.
Oh, yes.
- Okay.
Coloring outside the lines,
all right. (CLICKS TONGUE)
I'm down with that. Surf's up.
- Like we're kids again.
- Yeah.
- Just...
- Kids who fuck.
Kids who fuck.
I like that.
You guys are pretty cool.
BARTENDER: Sriracharita?
- No.
Actually, I was just
in the restroom,
and someone did
a real paint job in there.
There's, like, doo-doo, feces...
There's, like,
doo-doo, feces everywhere...
I can't do it. I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
There's, like, doo-doo, feces
everywhere. It's disgusting.
BARTENDER: Shit. Animals.
- I did it.
- Yeah.
I cannot believe
I'm going out tonight.
Like, I'm up to my ass in
paperwork, you have no idea.
I've got a deposition next week.
Why did I go to law school?
I could've just been a fucking
Instagram model, you know?
They don't come here
to be made fun of.
So it that's what you plan at
doing, I suggest you leave.
MAL: Steam coming out of your ears.
CAL: Do you mean
like a prostitute?
No, not a 'tute.
- Like...
CAL: You mean like a prostitute?
(SCOFFS) No, not a 'tute.
(MAL LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
CAL: Uh, like a prostitute?
No, not a 'tute.
- Top-notch escort. Upper-echelon female...
I did three months
at Esselen, guys.
And the one thing they
taught me to do was breathe.
So let's breathe.
(EXHALES) Let it out.
And hope that person that's going
to the hospital is gonna survive.
But I'm wondering,
I've only been with 39 men
in my entire life.
MAL: Oh, that's kind of a lot.
Oh, Leanne... Leanne Carlson.
MAL: Why would you say
"Oh" to that?
Sorry... I'm sorry.
CAL: You know her?
(STAMMERS) No, you...
Okay, you're not on the
approved family contact list,
and that's actually
one of the main lists
that are...