The War with Grandpa (2020) Movie Script
1
(SINGING) Hello, good
morning how you doing?
Waking up, shaking
yesterday's blues, yeah
Turn the TV off
it's bad news, man
Feeling fresh like
a Ziploc new man
OJ with a champagne tune-up
Mimosa Holy Ghost
running through ya
"Hell yeah" is the
new "hallelujah"
Popping like the
top off a bottle
And I ain't stopping, yeah
Baby, it's a brand-new day
Ain't no clouds hanging over me
Something doesn't feel the same
The rest of my life
gonna start today
Good morning Na na na na
Good morning Na na na na
Good morning Na na na na
The rest of my life
gonna start today
I've been up I've been down
But I got the feeling right now
I've been up I've been down
Do you got the
feeling right now?
Baby, it's a brand-new day
Ain't no clouds hanging over me
This year's gonna suck.
How do you know that?
The rest of my life
gonna start today
Oops. That happened.
Call it a hunch.
(BELL RINGING)
Ew.
Last year, we were kings.
Fifth-graders. We
ruled that school.
This year, nobody likes us.
That is true.
Speak for
yourself. I'll be fine.
I got a mustache coming in.
I don't see it. Nope.
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
Uh-uh. No one's
got it worse than me.
See that girl over there?
She's gonna torture me
every chance she gets.
Wait a sec. Isn't
that your sister?
Yeah.
At least you guys
have your own rooms.
My grandfather stole mine.
Wait. Your grandpa
moved in with you guys?
When did that happen?
Ever since he robbed
that grocery store.
Can I help you, sir?
You can help me find
Maria. Oh, Maria's gone.
We're completely
self-checkout now.
Much faster. Much
more efficient.
I think you'll like it.
So, are the prices
gonna be lower
because I'm doing
all the work now?
We have everyday
low prices here, sir.
Every day. Every day?
Every day. Get out of my
way. Get out of my way.
Oh, no problem.
Whoa!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please scan your item.
I'm talking to a robot.
Please scan your item.
I just did.
See if this thing...
Please scan your item.
You're very boring.
Please scan your item.
Yeah, right.
(ALARM BLARING)
EMPLOYEE: Sir!
Sir?
Sir, I need you to stop. Hey!
Whoa! Oh, hey!
Sir, let me help you.
You hurt my leg! Get
away! Come on, sir.
Get out of the way!
I'm a senior citizen!
Get out of here! I know judo.
(GRUNTS)
Leave that poor man alone!
Whoa! Your pharmacy stinks!
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
You're ageist! Oh, I see.
Y'all want to bring it on.
You want to bring it on?
MAN: Treat us with respect! Oh!
That's all you got?
(CROWD JEERING)
Now, that hurt.
(SIRENS BLARING)
ED: Hey, there's my girl.
You didn't have to
come all this way.
I told you I was fine.
What happened to the mailbox?
Oh, that. Some
idiot took it out.
Oh, crap.
Dad, you're driving
again, aren't you?
You lost your license, remember?
No, I didn't lose it.
I forgot to renew it.
So now I have to retake
the test again, which is idiotic
because I've been
driving for over 50 years.
I mean, what am I supposed
to do, starve to death?
I'm coming in.
This can't keep happening.
Don't worry, I'm never going
back to that damn store again.
No, I mean the part about,
I have to leave the
dealership early,
drive two hours each
way just to check on you.
I didn't ask you to come!
No, you didn't! The police did.
Dad, I want to come. I
want to be there for you.
But maybe this is
now the time that
we have to consider...
No. I am not moving.
I built this house,
I'm gonna die in this
house, and that's it.
And you're not
putting me in a home.
What if it were our home?
What are you talking about?
Fish and relatives
stink after three days.
That's a horrible idea.
We'll kill each other.
It ain't working. No, sorry.
Dad...
I miss her, too.
And, and that's not gonna change
by moving me out of my
house and sticking me in yours.
Oh, God.
Well, maybe we could
miss her together.
Yeah, maybe.
But you don't have the
room in your house anyway.
Where would you even put me?
The attic? No way!
Come on, buddy, don't make
this harder than it already is.
It's the only choice.
Ooh! (GASPS)
Dad, if it's the only choice,
then it isn't a choice at all.
'Cause a choice means you get
to pick between at least two things.
And this is one thing.
Unless the other thing is I get to sleep
in the yard and get eaten by a bear.
Don't be so dramatic, Peter.
Besides, your sisters
already share a room.
Yeah, well, Sarah
told me you said that.
No, I know she
exaggerates, but...
(SINGING) Christmastime is here
Happiness and cheer
No, you stop. Hold on. Shh!
Shh!
Shh!
Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh!
Hey, what's up?
Shh!
Plus, the attic doesn't
have a bathroom.
And Grandpa can't
do all those stairs.
And the basement,
is the basement.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
(SHRIEKS) What?
My Jordans.
I just put in fresh laces.
Hey, Peter. Do you need
help moving upstairs?
Get out! It's still my room!
Aw. Not for long.
Go away! Go, go, go.
Look, Peter, I know
this is not ideal,
but we're a family,
and you have to make
sacrifices for each other.
Sometimes very big sacrifices.
Look, sweetheart, the
attic is bigger than this room.
Once you move in, then
that will be your room.
No, it won't.
It'll be the attic,
where you put
stuff and forget it,
just like our old TV,
or the exercise bike
that Dad used once.
True. I exercise. What?
Look, think about it
as a fresh new start.
All right? We'll
dust everything off,
put some new
paint up everywhere.
Give you a chance to...
Clean out your turtle tank.
Huh? PETER:
They like it like that.
Gives them privacy.
Does this still
fit you, sweetie?
Yes.
Grandpa!
(SINGING) Grandpa's
here Grandpa's here
Grandpa all the way
Oh, what fun it is to have A
Grandpa come and stay, hey
Hey! Now, remember,
we don't want to
overwhelm Grandpa, okay?
So let's let him get settled in.
There'll be plenty of time to talk
to him tonight at dinner. Okay?
MIA: Oh, I'm not gonna be here.
ARTHUR: What? What?
I'm studying with Russell.
"Studying" still
means studying, right?
It's not slang for
something else?
No, Dad, "studying"
still means studying.
And I already
cleared it with Mom.
Grandpa! Jenny!
Don't body-slam.
(GROANING)
Hi, Grandpa. Hello, sweetheart.
Ed. Artie.
Where's your brother?
(SIGHS) SALLY: Peter?
ARTHUR: Peter!
Peter?
Kids, let's help, uh,
Grandpa get his bags.
Okay. I got this. I got it.
Okay. It just...
It's right over here.
You know, he
called me Artie again.
(SIGHS) Please, Arthur.
This isn't easy for him.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
PETER: Hey, Grandpa.
Hey! There he is! Look at you.
Look at you. You're
sprouting up like a weed.
Oh. Nice sneakers. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks. How do
you like your room?
It looks nice.
Yeah, that's 'cause it is nice.
Easily the nicest
room in the house.
Well, I know, kid.
Look, I didn't want it
to be this way, either.
Sometimes you have to
make sacrifices in a family.
That's true. You're right.
Sometimes you
don't even get a vote.
That makes two of us.
Careful with these floorboards.
They're not very level.
I'll remember that.
Thanks, kiddo.
Talk to you later, Grandpa.
Come visit me in
the attic anytime.
It's the creepy place with
all the spiders and mice.
SALLY: Peter! I wasn't!
Here we are.
BILLY: You were robbed, bro.
PETER: No. I was invaded.
The worst part is, I'm not even
allowed to complain about it.
Seems like you've been
complaining an lot, P.
I mean at home, 'cause he's old
and we all love him and stuff.
Dude, come on, you can't allow
the enemy to invade your base.
You got to fight back
and stick up for your rights.
I don't have rights.
Everyone has
rights. They're in, uh...
Uh, alien-something.
They have to allow
you to pursue happiness.
It's in the Constitution.
Yeah. Well, that would be
great if I lived in North America,
but it turns out that
153 Burlington Avenue
is actually in
North Korea. Whoa!
Did your parents know that
when they bought the house?
What?
I wouldn't put up
with this, Petes.
I'd demand my room
back, or else it's war.
What do you mean,
"or else it's war"?
You want him to
attack his grandfather?
Sneak attack, Emma.
See, he can't fight
him the normal way,
because his grandfather has
strength, size and experience,
whereas Peter is just
weak, small and dumb.
You're a bad friend.
Hi, Steven.
Mom says don't forget to wear your
sandals when you shower in gym class.
(LAUGHTER)
Not cool, Lisa.
My brother has that toe
fungus thing. It's totally gross.
And contagious. Contagious?
Gross. It's only
on six of my toes.
(STUTTERS) That's
a lot of toe, bro.
(SINGING) When you leave me
My world's not alive
You'll be in my days and nights
Hi, Grandpa. Hi, sweetheart.
Do you want to play a game?
I have Reindeer Run.
I have Santa's World.
I have 1-2-3 Christmas Tree.
Well, maybe, but
not right now, okay?
Want to watch a movie?
I have Frosty the Snowman.
I don't think so,
okay, sweetheart?
Maybe tomorrow? Okay.
What's wrong with Grandpa?
Why? What happened?
He doesn't want to do anything.
He just stares out the window,
but there's nothing there
except that dead tree that
Daddy says he's gonna cut down.
But you won't let him
use the chain saw.
Daddy can use a chain saw
any time he wants, honey. Okay?
He just chooses to wait
until Mommy says it's okay.
Grandpa will be all
right. He's just tired
and thinking a lot
about Grandma.
He'll be okay. Okay.
(BAT SCREECHES)
(SHRIEKS)
Get away from me!
(GROANS)
I hate my life.
Oh, come on.
Ow!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
"Declaration of War.
"When in the course
of human events
"one person steals"
"another person's bedroom,"
"there is no other
choice but war."
(SIGHS)
"You have 24 hours to
give me back what is mine"
"or face the consequences."
"Secret Warrior."
(SCOFFS)
Nice handwriting.
It's not bad. It's just...
You know, it's an
adjustment, so...
Yeah. Who are you talking to?
What? It's Jerry. I'm
just... I'm on the phone.
No, I would love to.
I would love to, but I can't.
I'm sort of stuck here. Yeah.
Hi, Jerry. It's Sally. Hey!
He's not stuck.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I'll bring him over on
my way to work. See you soon.
Bye, Jerry.
So, now you're setting
me up on playdates?
Gonna pack me a lunch,
maybe put a note in it?
You want a note? You
might not like what it says.
I'll see him another
time. I'm not up to it.
You haven't seen Jerry in ages.
Now you live
close. It'll be nice.
I can't, I don't want to,
and I've got stuff to do.
I have to take care
of the light switch
in my room now, 'cause Artie
put it in backwards. You did.
Eat up. We leave in 15 minutes.
Yes, Mom.
How's it going,
Grandpa? Sleep okay?
Like a log, Petey. Thanks.
Don't you guys get the paper
around here? Yeah, we do.
Here it is. Oh,
I can't read this.
Just make it bigger,
see? Oh, yeah.
Jen... (SIGHS) How
does she survive?
She doesn't eat anything.
SALLY: I don't know.
Don't be late,
Peter. PETER: Okay.
So, no nightmares?
Me? No. Insomnia?
Now it's like eight words
on the whole screen.
You don't want to
talk about anything?
I just made the
whole thing disappear.
I don't know what I did just
now. ARTHUR: Peter, let's go!
Okay, well, if you
want to talk about
something later
on, we can do that.
Okay, have a good day.
He didn't react at all?
Not a word. What's his game?
What's yours, Pete?
I mean, come on,
you don't start a
war with a note.
Maybe he didn't
actually read it.
He read it.
It was on his desk, unfolded.
Maybe he forgot what he
read. Old people do that.
You do that, Steve.
Oops.
That happened. (CHUCKLES)
But the point is you've already
blown the element of surprise.
You've got to
attack immediately.
Um, there's chili
in your backpack.
He knows. Yeah.
Hi, Steven. Oh, God, no.
You left your retainer in
the back seat of Morn's car.
I think a Snickers
got mashed up in it.
Ugh. At least I hope
that's a Snickers.
See you at dinner.
(SNIFFING)
We're good, it's a Snickers.
Coming along, Arthur? Not
bad. If you like big boxes.
Big boxes built this company.
Yes. Yes, they did.
You sure that's the
Walmart footprint?
"Walmart"?
Thought this was for K-mart.
It's Walmart.
Oh, man. I'm sorry.
I, uh, got a lot on
my mind these days.
My father-in-law just
moved in with us, so...
I don't know. I feel
like he judges me.
He thinks I work for some
soul-sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in
the cares or worries of its...
Its employees.
Have a good time.
So I'm just gonna walk home?
Well, you can if you want.
Or you can use this.
I already have a phone.
That's not a phone. I don't
even know what that is.
Just take it.
Okay, now, this is a
car service called Lyft.
You want to go home,
you just swipe that,
somebody comes to get
you. You don't need any cash.
You don't even have to
talk to anybody. Just swipe.
Just swipe it.
Bye, Dad. Oh, okay.
Say hi to Jerry for me. I will.
Holy cow. This is all yours?
This is like a college
kid's dream room.
Are you kidding?
No college kid
could afford this.
The pool table
alone is six grand.
And you use all this stuff?
Of course, I do.
What do you want to do first?
Eight ball?
Pump some iron? I got Madden.
And what the heck is that?
That is a Onewheel.
And they are fun.
And you actually
ride that thing?
Hells yes!
Epic!
Whoa!
(SHRIEKS)
You should see me.
Wow! DANNY: Yo, Jerry!
Oh, sorry. I didn't
know you were ocupado.
This is my old friend Ed. Ed.
Danny. Hey. Danny.
Hi, Danny. Glad to meet you.
So, uh, we walking?
Yeah. Oh, good.
'Cause my masseuse told me
if I got 10,000
steps in this week,
she would meet me for coffee.
Ooh. And by coffee,
I mean, you know...
Coffee? Yeah, coffee.
Morning, ladies.
WOMAN: Really, dude?
Those yoga pants are
gonna be the death of me.
Why do you do that?
What? They think I'm cute.
Yeah, cute, like,
"Aren't old guys cute"
"when they still think
they have a shot?"
Hey, I'm a catch, You
know, I got a full pension.
Two more years, I
can ski free as a senior.
You ski? No, I do not.
Morning. Beautiful
morning. How you doing?
Nice, nice. Next time
bring up the pension.
Or the free skiing
you'll never do. Oh.
How's your daughter's place, Ed?
It's okay, I guess.
She gave me my grandson's room.
He's not too happy about it.
He sent me this last night.
(MUMBLES)
(MUTTERING)
Whoa!
How did you respond?
I didn't. You're just
gonna roll over on this?
You got to respond. Come on.
This kind of aggression
shall not stand. Semper Fi.
I didn't know you were a Marine.
I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Ah, he's a kid. He's getting
used to it, just like I am.
I'm his grandfather.
So you know...
He's not gonna do anything.
What are you talking
about? You can't take...
(SINGING) Cotton candy, sweetie
Go, let me see that Tootsie Roll
Come on, come on Tootsie Roll
Just make that Tootsie Roll
Yeah, come on Tootsie Roll
And make your Tootsie Roll
Here we go, here
we go Tootsie Roll
Just make that Tootsie Roll
I want to see your Tootsie Roll
Just make your Tootsie Roll
To the left, to the left
To the right, to the right
To the front, to the front
To the back, to the back
"People who steal
other people's rooms"
"should not sleep well."
Peter?
Oh, Peter.
Grandpa. Is that you?
Yeah, it's me. You know it's me.
You know what time it is?
Nighttime?
It's the middle of the night.
Come on. It's not funny, Peter.
I don't like people
playing tricks on me,
especially not my own grandson.
It's not a trick. It's war.
You don't go to war
against your family.
You have to have an enemy to
go to war, and I'm not your enemy.
You got my declaration.
Why didn't you say anything?
Because I was kind
of hoping it was a joke.
It's not a joke.
You took something of
mine, and I want it back.
Okay. Go back to sleep.
You made your point,
but this is over now.
We'll see you in the
morning, which is almost here.
Grandpa? I love you.
I love you, too, kiddo.
But the war's still on.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hi, Grandpa. Hey, Jenny.
Can I come in? Sure.
Why not?
'Cause when Peter lived here,
I wasn't allowed,
unless I sneaked.
Come on, come on.
So, what can I do
for you? Nothing.
I just like to look at
other people's stuff.
You know it's my
birthday coming up.
That I do.
Okay. Just making sure.
What's this?
Those are marbles.
Can I have one?
Sure, if you promise
to take care of it,
because they're very special.
They're not magic.
People always say their things
are magic and they never are.
No. I didn't say that
they were magic,
but they are special.
Come here.
You remember how
Grandpa used to build houses?
Yeah, but I wasn't born.
That's true, you weren't born.
But when you build a house,
you always start by
doing some digging.
And for some reason, you
almost always find marbles.
I guess because they roll
around and get lost easily.
But pretty much every
foundation I ever dug,
I always found a marble or two.
So, guess what I did with them?
What? I kept them.
So, if you count
all those marbles,
you'll know how
many houses I built.
That's a lot of houses.
I worked a long time.
How come you don't work now?
Because I'm what
you call "retired."
What's "retired"?
It's when you stop working
so you can do other things.
Like your grandmother
and I had big plans,
but sometimes things
just don't work out.
Can I have a marble now?
Sure.
What the...
(GRUNTS)
Careful, sweetheart.
Careful, careful.
(SHRIEKS)
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna rest
down here for a while. (GROANS)
Can I still have a marble?
Take whatever you want.
(MARBLES CLATTERING)
Oh, no.
No, no.
No. (GRUNTS)
What's that racket upstairs?
Grandpa lost his marbles.
(WINDOW TINKLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You wanted to see me?
Yeah, come on in.
Shut the door.
Have a seat.
So...
You know that big
jar of marbles I had?
No. How would I know
about the things you have
in your room...
That used to be mine?
That's good.
That's funny.
That's real funny.
Everybody likes a funny kid.
I thought we were
done with this.
All you have to do
is tell Mom and Dad
that you want to
switch rooms with me.
And then it'll be done.
You really want a war?
Because, you know,
I've been in one.
And it's not like video games.
Even if you win,
everybody gets hurt.
I only want what's mine.
By playing hardball, huh?
I'm not playing.
Fair enough.
So, what are the
rules of engagement?
The what?
Rules of engagement.
What's allowed and not allowed.
You don't have rules in a war.
Oh, yes, you do.
"Rule number one..."
"No collateral damage"
"to civilians or
their property."
That means it can't affect
your parents or your sisters.
Agreed.
"Rule number two..."
"No telling."
This is man-to-man,
just between me and you.
No ratting the other guy out.
Agreed.
Okay. Sign.
Okay.
You got your wish,
Secret Warrior.
Okay...
Senior Soldier.
But from now on,
you better watch out.
NARRATOR: (ON TV) The jungle...
A place where animals
both big and small,
exotic and bizarre,
coexist with one another
in the same space
and in the same time.
The game... To survive.
The stakes... Life and death.
Those who strike first
live to see another day.
Those who sleep
will be eaten alive.
I've heard people whisper
That you aren't being true
I just let them whisper
'Cause all I've got is you
(VOICE WARPS) I've gotta believe
In something
I've gotta believe...
(RECORD WINDS RAPIDLY)
Okay. Okay.
What the...
What is this stuff?
Fast-drying foam sealant.
I'm gonna kill this kid.
You don't mess
with me, you little...
You think you're cute?
You've welcomed a
world of pain, my friend.
You'll be sorry. Mess
with me, you little...
Think you're cute?
You're not cute!
Ah!
Oh! (MUFFLED SCREAM)
(SCREAMS) (MUFFLED SCREAM)
Oh! (MUFFLED SCREAM)
Oh!
This will never be spoken of.
No idea what
you're talking about.
Oh!
You're doing very well, Grandpa.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You're a very good teacher.
Why is your face all red?
I don't know.
I may be allergic to
something in this house.
I'm off to shaving cream.
I mean, school.
Uh, Peter, is that your binder?
Yeah. Thanks.
Have a good day
at school, kiddo.
Love you.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hey, Pete.
How's your super
unnecessary war going?
Not good. I was up all night.
Couldn't sleep at all.
Diarrhea? What? No.
My grandpa.
Your grandpa had diarrhea?
No. There's no
diarrhea in this story.
Oh.
I did what you said yesterday,
and I hit him good
multiple times.
I even put hot sauce in
his coffee this morning.
So far, nothing.
(GASPS)
Dude, your grandfather's
using psyops.
Psychological warfare.
Or maybe he's
just being an adult.
Peter, if you're done talking,
maybe you'd like to read us
your report on what you did
over your summer vacation?
Yeah. Sure.
"My Summer Vacation"
by Peter Decker.
"This summer was one of the
best summer breaks I've ever had."
"I rode my bike a lot
and stopped showering"
"until I smelled like
a monkey's butt."
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Keep reading, Peter. Go on.
I don't want to.
This isn't my... Read.
"During my vacation,"
"I figured out how to freeze
my own farts in a baggie."
(LAUGHTER)
I didn't write this!
Have a seat.
And see me after class.
Psyops.
Amateur.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
(EXCLAIMS)
What's going on here?
(STUTTERS) Nothing.
Nothing. We were just, um...
I was just dropping off some
vocabulary drills. Uh-huh.
Really? Vocabulary.
Russell, go.
Mia, stay.
Do we not have a policy
about no boys in this
house when no one is here?
Oh, my God, Mom,
don't blow a gasket.
We weren't doing anything.
Don't you think I
was your age once?
No, I don't. Really?
Yeah, 'cause you are... What?
You are literally...
You are... Say it.
(YELLS IN FRUSTRATION)
Those vocabulary drills
are paying off, sweetie. Ugh!
What the heck?
Whoa!
Don't start nothing,
won't be nothing.
He got me.
(GROANS)
I got him good.
Tape on the doorway.
Like I wouldn't see that
coming from a mile away.
Rookie! Tape on the doorway.
Tape on the doorway.
Step back, boys. Big hitter.
All right. Yep. Stepping back.
(CAR ALARM BLARES)
We should skip this hole.
Yeah, good idea. Come on. Yeah.
I wonder how my grandpa's
golf game is... Going.
My Jordans.
Dude, I think your
grandpa might be a ninja.
My Jordans!
(REGISTER BEEPS)
First time?
Unfortunately, no.
What are you, a
spy or something?
No, I'm just trying to
outsmart my grandson.
We're in the middle of a
turf battle over a bedroom.
I just moved into my
daughter's house, so...
No, no, no, don't
say anything else.
That way, they
can't make me testify.
I won't.
You need a hand?
No, let me give
it one more shot.
(REGISTER BEEPS)
Oh, come on. Yeah, I...
All right, what am I
doing wrong now?
Oh! No, I'm not
gonna help you now.
That way, you'll never learn.
Making it tough on me, huh?
(REGISTER TRILLING)
You're on your way.
MAN: (ON TV) Bam!
Cars like this 1974
Volkswagen Bug use...
We had one of those, remember?
We changed the clutch on
it. Yeah, how could I forget?
You dropped the
flywheel on my toe.
(CHUCKLES) That was your
fault for mistaking me for your son.
Anybody want to watch
anything else, maybe?
Like, uh, Netflix?
Weather Channel?
C-SPAN?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Hey, yeah.
Hey. Going to Skyler's house.
What? Now?
Yeah. I'm studying.
Do you want me to get
into a good college or not?
Okay. Bye.
She's going to see
Russell. I know it.
What? None of my business.
No, come on. You're
gonna say it anyway.
Okay.
My advice about fighting with
her about her boyfriend is don't.
It cost me two years with you.
Yeah.
When you started
dating Artie here.
That's not true. I
don't remember that.
I do. It was terrible.
I was over at the
house all the time.
Yeah, you were over at the
house talking to your mother.
You barely talked to me at all.
Oh.
Really? Yeah.
Um... Sorry, Dad.
No, don't be. It was my fault.
I thought he wasn't
good enough for you,
till I realized that
wasn't the point.
The point was you thought
he was good enough for you.
But you and Arthur
get along great now.
Because I stopped
being an idiot.
But I'll never get
those two years back.
Wow. Uh...
I appreciate that, Ed.
You're welcome, Artie. I
mean, I meant that, sincerely.
But the career, not so much.
SALLY: What?
Dad!
Nothing against Artie.
It's just that I think
that people who lose
sight of their dreams
and settle for less
are never very happy.
That's all.
Really? I find that
those same people
tend to have secure incomes.
Which then allow
them to, I don't know,
take in an aging
senior, perhaps.
And the name's Arthur.
Come on, honey.
Let's go. It's bedtime.
Here we go.
Night, sweetie.
Night. Good night.
I thought you
stopped being an idiot.
Sorry.
(DRONE WHIRRING)
I can't put anything
back together.
He took all of the screws.
So now I'm
sleeping on the floor.
That's hilarious.
Yeah. Ha ha.
Dude, you might
have to face the fact
that your grandfather's
just smarter than you.
Hey! Billy, nice snake.
Thanks.
Steven, I found the dog
chewing your snuggables again.
(SCOFFS) Those aren't mine.
Really?
It says "Captain
Steve" on the waistband.
Get out of my
room! Captain Steve.
See? Not that hard. Yeah.
Thanks, kiddo.
Okay, off you go.
Skedaddle. Thanks.
Yeah. Now you're talking.
EMMA: I know something
you could do, Peter.
What? You could use
some of the mental
energy you're expending
on thinking up stupid tricks
to play on your grandfather
to not get a "C" in math.
Who cares about
math? This is real life.
Said the guy building a
fake castle in a video game.
Petersburg isn't a castle.
It's a palace.
And after three years in the
making, it's almost finished.
(CHUCKLES) Too easy.
(SNEEZING)
No.
Uh-oh.
And then see if the
light comes back on.
No!
Any nimrod knows that.
(SCREAMS)
What the...
Did you bring it?
You got the cash?
Dude, it's all there.
I'm sure it is,
Pete. I'm sure it is.
(SCREAMING)
Not funny, Peter.
Nice snake.
Nice, nice snake. Nice snake.
Nice. Take all the
room you want.
Do whatever you want.
I'm just gonna go...
Go over here.
Don't mind if I do, Eddie.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
You stay there. You stay there.
You stay there.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
What's that?
It's a Vitalert necklace.
A what?
Like those TV commercials?
You expect me to wear that?
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. No way.
Look. You know, you just... No.
You wear it under your shirt,
and, hey, nobody
can even see it.
You can't see that. Right?
If you don't want
to wear it for you,
wear it for me.
But I don't need this.
Really? I don't need this.
Because Arthur says
that you've been acting...
Oddly.
He has? ARTHUR: For the record,
I didn't say "oddly."
I said "confused."
Confused? SALLY: Look, Dad,
is it so hard to believe
that we care about you?
Probably won't
even need to use it.
You got that right,
'cause I'm not wearing it.
Look, it gives me
peace of mind to know
that with just one
push of a button,
you can get help if you need it.
Please?
Please.
Sweet necklace, Grandpa.
For every action, my friend.
(SNIFFS) Ugh!
(GROANS) Ugh!
EMMA: And this is
how you found him?
BILLY: Yeah.
When I couldn't reach
him online, I got worried.
My life's work... Ruined!
STEVE: All I see
is a pile of rubble.
He destroyed Petersburg!
I've been building it for
more than a third of my life.
Actually, three over
12 is exactly 25%,
which is less than
a third of your life.
Well, it is.
It's okay, buddy.
(SCREAMS WEAKLY)
(SALLY SCREAMING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh. You see, dear?
I was right. The
boy's coming around.
Do you both promise
to use your words?
I promise.
Why are we doing it this way?
Because, when you
have peace talks,
you need someone
neutral to mediate.
Otherwise, it just
breaks down into yelling.
This is dumb!
Well, we're doing it.
Besides, it took me five minutes
to get in this chair,
and I'm not getting out.
Grandpa promised.
You have to promise.
Okay, fine. I promise.
Good. Now, I will admit
that hostilities
may have escalated
more than either
of us anticipated.
You don't touch
another man's computer!
That's not cool!
That's what war
is all about, kiddo.
War. I just want my room back!
No yelling. I'm not
yelling. He's yelling.
Say you're sorry to Grandpa.
No, it's okay, sweetheart.
I love you, Grandpa.
I love you, too.
Stop that! Stop what?
What's going on here?
Nothing's going on here.
You're supposed to be neutral!
I don't even know
what that means.
It means you shouldn't act
like you like him better than me.
I do like him better than you.
He gave me a cookie.
Okay, that sounds
worse than it is.
It is true a cookie was
given, but it was way before
this negotiation had
even been scheduled.
Chocolate chip, my favorite.
Mine, too.
That's it.
I'm done. Peace is canceled.
No yelling. Shut up!
Shut up's a bad word. Peter.
Can I have my second cookie now?
Peter, hold on. Please.
Come on. You're right.
A cookie may have been involved,
which may have been an
attempt to influence the mediator,
which, in retrospect, may
have been inappropriate.
May have been? Okay, to be fair,
you entered negotiations
with a bit of an attitude yourself.
You didn't really give
peace a chance, either.
Why should I? You
demolished Petersburg.
But that's what I've been trying
to tell you when this all started.
War is no game, Peter.
Only kids and fools
and generals think that.
War hurts.
War wounds and kills
and causes misery.
We got to end this somehow.
How?
What if we have one final
competition, winner take all?
What kind of competition?
I don't know. You pick.
Whatever you want, I'll do it
and this whole thing will be over.
Whatever I want?
Whatever you want.
Okay.
ED: It's not a date.
It's just that we need
a fourth for the team
and it needs to be a woman,
and I don't know anyone else.
So, let me get this straight.
You want me to help
you and your buddies
to beat up your
grandson and his buddies,
because the two of
you can't figure out
some way to live
in the same house?
Well, when you
put it like that...
I'm in.
My granddaughter can be
a pain in the butt sometimes.
Whoo!
Holy Mary, we're dead.
It's just an intimidation
tactic, Danny.
Don't let them see your fear.
They feed off that.
They're like baby velociraptors.
Yeah. We're up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Do you guys even remember
how to play dodgeball?
Did they even have
dodgeball in the 1800s?
They had wiseass
kids, I know that.
And just remember, no headsies.
And no nutsies.
No aiming for the junk.
Yeah. What he said.
Hope you brought
your Poligrip, old man,
'cause those false
teeth are coming out.
Big words for a little baby.
Sure you don't need
your diaper changed?
Sure you don't?
(BILLY AND PETER LAUGH) Ooh!
Men. Tell me about it.
You're gonna love
the attic, Grandpa.
We're gonna see
about that, Petey boy.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's get it on.
Let's get it on!
(WHISTLE BLOWING) (BOYS YELL)
(GRUNTING)
Hi.
Run for your lives!
Fire!
I'm already regretting
agreeing to do this.
Man down.
Hey! We said no headsies.
Oops. It slipped.
Punk. (GROANING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) That's game!
Age Appropriate Team: one.
ALL: Whoo! Yeah!
That's what's up!
AARP Team: none.
My ears are ringing.
This is barbaric.
Man up, Danny. Get in the game.
Who's this again?
Come on, bring it in, guys.
Bring it in.
Obviously, they're
way too fast for us.
Yeah. Yeah.
We're gonna have
to play our game
if we're gonna win
this thing. Am I right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Okay. I have an idea.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Game two. Positions, people.
PETER: Grab 'em!
Fire!
Yeah. Now you're in trouble.
Boom! (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Out, out, out.
Two catches and
a hit. You three.
Come on, you old coots,
give me your best shot.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Headsies.
Whoo!
Whoo!
(GIBBERS MOCKINGLY)
(GROANS)
Nutsies.
Oops. Slipped. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
That's game two.
We tied, one apiece.
Final match. Winner takes all.
You okay?
Okay?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Positions, people.
(YELLING)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
What's he doing?
Danny.
You're an animal.
Hells yeah!
Whose house is this?
Our house! Our house!
Yeah! Let's do this.
(SCREAMS)
Jerry, what happened?
I tore something.
Yeah, I definitely heard a pop.
(GROANING)
Dude... I mean, old dude.
Are you okay? Of
course he's okay, dummy.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) You, you're out.
Cheat.
You can't get me. I'm on fire!
Sorry, Danny.
(GAGGING)
Oh! What's up, son?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
You two, out.
What? That's not fair!
Yeah, ref, doesn't count.
Kid was already out
and he throws like a girl.
Ooh!
Diane, what's with
the friendly fire?
What are you, a rogue agent now?
(WHISTLE BLOWS) You three, out.
Yes! Nice.
Sorry, Peter's grandpa,
but I'm gonna end you.
Hey, what happened
to the sisterhood?
Sorry, kid.
You will not have died
in vain. This is so dumb.
Yeah, you're out
now. Off you go.
DIANE: Go, Ed!
JERRY: Yeah! BILLY:
Come on, Peter, you got this!
End him. Get your room back.
Finish him, Ed.
DIANE: Yeah, go, Ed.
What are y'all
waiting for? End it!
I got an eight-year-old's
birthday party that's next.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
It's a tie. What?
Come on. ED: No way!
What? No way! What? A tie?
I totally caught his ball
before he caught mine.
No, I caught the ball first.
Really? Seriously, he
caught it before him.
He bobbled his. I
didn't bobble anything.
He's got butterfingers.
See? Butter.
He's old... His
fingers don't work.
I got one finger that works.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Okay, that's enough. Game over.
Go home, all y'all,
seriously. Leave.
I won. Yeah, sure.
I won. Are you kidding me?
You lost. I'm sorry. What
are you talking about?
You know that. What
are you talking about?
PETER: I obviously
caught it before you.
This place have a bar?
Hmm.
What's this?
I'm just doodling.
It doesn't look like
one of your usual...
What do you call 'em, boxes.
Yeah.
No, don't get me
wrong. I meant...
It's interesting,
really. I like it.
Is this for work?
No, the... The city's
taking bids for an
addition to the library.
So I thought I would
submit a design.
But you know how
it is. I'm sure they'll
just pick one of the big firms.
Well, you miss 100% of
the shots you don't take.
You know who said that?
Uh... (SIGHS)
No.
Wayne Gretzky.
Best hockey player of all time.
I was gonna say that.
The Great One?
The greatest.
Still not a sports guy.
Nah. Okay.
(SNORING)
(BEEP)
(SIREN WAILING)
Found him. MAN:
Prepare a sedative.
Just lay down, sir.
What is this?
Relax, sir. Hold him. Hold him.
We're trying to
save your life, sir.
Get that thing away from me!
Sir, you are not helping us.
I just bought these, you idiot!
What are you...
Don't worry, sir.
You're in good hands.
You touch me
with those, you die!
Patient appears combative.
You touch me with those...
We might need restraints.
Restraints! I don't
need restraints!
Just relax, sir. Don't
do it! (SCREAMS)
STEVE: Dude, I hated that test.
PETER: I think
I did pretty good.
Get in the car.
Uh...
Thanks,
but I think I'm just gonna take
the bus home with my friends.
Come on, get in the car.
Bye.
Friend of yours?
ED: That's Chuck.
You don't need to
know about Chuck.
Um...
Where are we going?
Clear Lake.
Nice place. You'll like it.
You know I'm only 12, right?
That's a lot of
life left to live.
I could be president someday.
Be on the first manned
mission to Mars.
(KNOCK ON WINDOW) Holy heck!
Get out.
You know...
Morn's expecting us for dinner.
Maybe I should call her,
let her know where we're at.
Don't bother. We're
bringing dinner home tonight.
I rented it for a couple hours.
I thought me and you
could do a little fishing.
Together.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
How's that sound?
Great!
I mean, I'm not gonna have fun.
You'll have fun.
I think I caught one.
That a way.
It's got to be a big one.
Hey! He's huge!
Nice going.
Yeah.
That's not a fish.
That's a whale.
He really fought, too.
We're gonna have
some good eating tonight.
Let me bait you up again.
Okay.
Okay, cast away.
Nice cast.
Thanks.
This is kind of
fun. Yeah, it is.
That's what happens when we
put our differences aside, you see?
How are they biting?
Pretty good.
Caught a couple of nice ones.
Good for you.
That's probably because
not too many people fish here,
it being illegal and all.
What? What?
You could ask the ranger.
Here he comes now.
Dump the fish.
But those are our
fish! Dump the fish!
Why? Dump them!
The cooler!
Forget the cooler.
You are in violation of the law!
He's gaining on us.
He's gaining on us.
What are you doing?
I got to call Chuck
to pick us up.
He left us?
What kind of friend is that?
Friend? He's my Lyft
driver. I don't know the guy.
Pull over or face
the consequences!
Brace yourself.
We're coming in hot.
Grandpa, come on!
Hey, why didn't you tell
us there was no fishing?
You wouldn't have
rented the boat!
(GRUNTS)
Hey! Stop!
Hold it!
That was so cool.
Yeah, that was.
But breaking the law is
wrong. You know that, right?
Yeah, I know.
Mmm.
ED: Pull over here, Chuck.
I want to show you
something, Pete.
So, this house...
This house for sale, I built it.
They changed the
color. I don't like that.
What do you think?
I like it.
Maybe it's not so bad.
You know, over the years,
if I wasn't feeling so good,
I'd come by, and
I'd... I'd take a look.
I'd see people living
in the thing I built,
raising families,
making lives, and...
I'd feel better.
You feel better now?
Yeah, I do.
Hey, do you want
to know a secret?
Yeah.
Come on.
People who build houses
usually sign their work,
like an artist signs a painting.
Really? Yeah.
But it's always hidden.
Yeah.
Some guys sign
their name on a rafter.
Others put something
under the floorboards,
like a newspaper with the
date the house was finished.
One guy I knew
used to write a poem
on the bottom of a toilet
before he installed it.
(LAUGHS)
What did you do? Me?
Well, I always
had one of my guys
take a picture of me
and your grandmother,
and then I would
seal the picture
inside the wall
next to the fireplace.
So, there are photos of
me and your grandmother
inside walls all over
this part of the city.
Nobody knows but you.
And now you do.
That's cool.
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
ED: We'll make an
angler out of you yet, kid.
PETER: Maybe next time,
we can actually find a lake
where they let us fish.
Oh, yeah, there
are plenty of lakes
brimming with bass
around here, Pete.
Yeah. Fat ones, too.
Yeah, whoppers.
Grandpa? Yeah, Pete.
Thank you for taking me fishing.
I had a really great time.
You're welcome. I
had a great time, too.
Let's do it more often.
Yeah.
Sure.
See you at dinner.
(SCREAMING)
That's good.
You got me. You got me good.
You're a dead man.
(CHUCKLES)
Oops!
Ow! That happened.
(GROANS) Not again.
Oops.
That happened.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Okay, so I'm gonna
put the Santa hat
right here.
Did you put the
words in that one?
I'm doing that right now.
"Come celebrate
Jennifer's super fun,"
"Christmas-theme
birthday party."
Great job. Like it?
Love it.
(ORGAN PLAYS SOFTLY)
Is this seat open?
Thanks, Ed, for coming with me.
These things are
never fun to go to alone.
Carl was one of my
longtime adventure buddies.
Gonna miss the old hell raiser.
How did he, you know, uh...
In his sleep.
While skydiving.
Looking good, bro.
So, did you come here alone?
That's my husband.
Mmm.
Probably need a ride, huh?
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
Ya like to Move it!
What the... I like
to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
Sorry. I like to
move it, move it
Ya like to...
Shoot.
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it...
What the...
I like to move it, move it,
I like to move it, move it...
Sorry about this, Carl.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
I like to move it, move it...
I don't know this guy.
Move it, move it, ya like to
Move it! I like to...
(TURNS OFF PHONE)
So, Grandpa, how was
that funeral yesterday?
Really nice.
Thanks for asking.
How about you? Anything
exciting happen at school?
No.
Unless you call getting
punched in the face
by a giant
eighth-grader exciting.
Really?
Yep.
What happened? He
was blasted into a giant
orange-stole... As soon as
he opened up my backpack.
It's so weird, right?
Hello, boys!
Hey, Dad. Hey...
Let me set this stuff
down, and I'll help you
put the lights on
the roof there, Ed.
Thanks, Arthur.
I said "Arthur."
Don't you two make a nice team.
Jenny's birthday's
gonna be so exciting.
All that's left to do is
try to find a Santa Claus
in early September,
and we'll be golden.
Don't you worry yourself.
I know Santa personally.
Consider it done.
SALLY: Aw!
Thanks, Dad. That's so sweet.
It's the least I
can do for Jenny.
Mom, before you
say no, hear me out.
Can Russell come to
Jennifer's birthday party?
No. What?
Why? Peter's friends get to go.
That reminds me, I invited Jerry
and the crew, if that's okay.
No, that's great.
And you don't see
how unfair this is?
I hate you! (YELLS
IN FRUSTRATION)
I don't want to hear it.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah?
Listen... You know,
in World War I, the
Germans and the British
put down their weapons
on Christmas Eve
in favor of celebrating
rather than fighting
during the holiday. Hmm.
Your sister's birthday
is a special occasion
and should be celebrated.
I guess you're right.
Okay, then let's agree...
Temporary armistice for Jenny.
Deal?
Deal.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Please! Stop it.
Ow! Cut it out!
You're hurting me.
"You're hurting me."
That looks like fun.
Yeah, lots of fun.
We like fun, too.
Forgot I had detention today.
Looks like you're on your own.
I have a question.
Do you know my
grandson Peter Decker?
Thought so.
Dumpster. What? Wait, wait.
Don't make this harder
than it has to be, kid.
Come on, take your
lumps like a man.
Who are you guys? Come on.
Disciplinary board.
Leave Peter alone, understood?
Whoa! Ripe.
Not your lucky day, tough guy.
Get him in there. BOY: No!
No! Don't...
No!
Nasty!
BOY: Get me out of here!
Hello?
Wow!
Merry birthday, sweetheart.
(SINGING) Hey
Ooh, hoo
Hurry home and come round here
I really love this time of year
Making plans to get together
Memories that will last forever
Sharing laughter and sharing joy
Everyone is singing,
all the girls and boys
Some kind of magic is in the air
To make a special
moment we can share
The snow is falling...
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
EMMA: Billy, they agreed.
His grandpa's not
gonna do anything.
If my grandpa makes
a move, I'll be ready.
See that Santa chair?
BILLY: Yeah.
I booby-trapped it.
Did somebody say "boobies"?
Go away, Steve.
This eggnog tastes funny.
Let me fix it for you.
Ooh!
Hey, everybody!
Guess who's here!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Here comes Santa.
(KIDS SCREAM EXCITEDLY)
KIDS: Santa!
Better watch out,
better not pout.
I got toys and goodies.
I got everything.
Wait a sec.
That's not my grandpa.
Ed?
No, thanks. Got to stay alert.
Just in case.
Kid wouldn't have the cojones
to do anything. You shook on it.
You never know. You
can't trust these kids.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey. Nice party, huh, pal?
Sure is, buddy.
But I thought you were
playing Santa Claus.
Me? Oh, no, I leave
that to the professionals.
Jerry's been a mall
Santa ever since he retired.
That a problem, Pete?
Why would that be a problem?
Just asking.
Hey, you want to get me
one of those sodas over there?
Thanks, kiddo.
Kid's up to
something. I can feel it.
Probably just a coincidence.
(LAUGHING)
Ho, ho, ho!
JERRY: And what's your name?
Let me guess.
It wasn't a name 20 years ago.
Am I right? ARTHUR: Peter?
Dad, what's up? You
know where Mia is?
She's supposed to help
me with the hot dogs.
Nope.
Well, hey, come on.
I could use your help.
Hey, Grandpa.
What happened to
you? You're all wet.
Some questions don't
have answers, Pete.
Hey, cookie?
No, it's okay. Oh,
they're delicious.
No, it's really fine.
Especially this one.
I'm good. You sure?
I'm sure.
Want to help me get some
mustard and ketchup on these
bad boys and get 'em out to
the kids before they get cold?
Sounds good, Dad.
I'll do the front row,
you do the back?
You're the boss.
I'm so sorry. That just slipped.
I swear, I didn't
mean to do that.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, darn.
Bottles must be overly full.
Hey, Dad? The Christmas
lights are on the fritz again.
Could you check
on them? I'm on it.
Yeah, and, Peter, check on the
air pump for the bouncy house.
Could be a little
bit... Bouncier.
What the heck is he up to now?
(SCREAMS) Grandpa!
Dad! Dad!
Dad?
Are you all right?
I'm okay. Found
a quarter in here.
Peter, we said no pranks.
We shook hands on it,
man-to-man. What happened?
What are you talking about?
Grandpa, I swear,
I didn't do that.
JERRY: Whoa!
Santa's dead!
Okay. I might have did that.
That's not good.
(GROANS)
Danny, Ed, did you see that?
Epic.
Here comes Santa.
Ho, ho, ho.
(GASPS)
My franks. SALLY: Jerry!
Jerry, you all right?
What happened?
(SCREAMS)
Fire!
Everybody get back! I got this!
Dad, I'll get the hose. Okay.
All right, pull the pin. Got it.
"Point away from face..."
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I got it.
Grandpa, get out of the way!
My Christmas tree.
My Christmas birthday cake.
Oh! What have we done?
No, no, no, no!
Peter!
Hi, Mom.
Mia?
Russell!
Don't you run away, Russell!
Nothing happened.
Okay, this is not my fault.
(ED GROANS)
Little help? Anybody?
That's a pretty good
scrape there, Mr. Marino.
Yeah? You should see the tree.
Thank you.
What? What? It's
nothing. I'll be all right.
Sure, you'll be all right.
Dad's always all right.
Doesn't need
anyone's help or love.
Oh, Sally, please, come on.
You could've been
killed, Dad. Come on.
You're overdramatizing. It
was an accident. That's all.
An accident? Yeah.
What, you think I don't
know about the war, Dad?
Or should I say
"Senior Soldier"?
Oh... That.
What were you two thinking?
Don't blame the
kid, Sally. Please.
It's all on me. I'm
the grown-up here,
and I should know better.
Yeah, you should've.
I'm sorry. I just... It
got out of hand, and...
I have the money
to pay for everything.
And I'll take my crew, and we'll
fix everything the way it was.
It's not about the house
or the money, Dad.
If you hated living with us so
much, you just should've said it.
I never said I hated
living with you.
Exactly. I just said
you never said it.
What I'm saying,
I never said that
We clear that up, hopefully?
No. Forget about
what you never said.
The-the point
is, I just thought,
when you came home with
us, you'd realize that we love you
and you'd change your
mind about living alone.
But, of course,
that didn't happen.
You're so hell-bent on...
Funning it up.
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Yeah. Grandpa's fine.
Listen, sweetheart,
I'm really sorry
about what happened
at your birthday party.
It's okay.
I brought you something
to make you feel better.
That's very nice, but I
gave that to you, remember?
Don't you want it?
I think you need it more.
We can call it a loan.
That's very adult
of you, sweetheart.
You'll be able to
take him home soon.
The doctor just needs
to review the X-rays.
We'll be in the waiting room.
Can I go see him now?
No. It'll be a long time
before we leave the two of
you alone together again, ever.
Is he gonna be okay?
He'll be fine. You and
Mia, on the other hand,
that's a different story.
You're both chor-rounded
for the next six months.
Chor-rounded? What
does that even mean?
Chores plus grounded,
times six months.
What? Yeah.
So, that's a whole lot of both,
isn't it? SALLY: Mmm-hmm.
But I didn't even do half
of the stuff that Peter did.
This is so not fair.
Can I be chor-rounded, too?
SALLY: No, sweetie, you
don't have to be chor-rounded.
Russell.
Don't you move a muscle. Wait.
Wait, Mom! Come on! Russell!
Dad, can you think
rationally about...
Russell! She said not to move.
Russell! Get away from me!
Get back here, you coward!
Punk!
Okay, that's it. Mom
is certifiably insane.
I'm going out there.
Whoa, whoa. Hold on.
I know your mother.
She can handle this.
(YELLING)
(CHUCKLES ADMIRINGLY)
You're not gonna slug
me, are you, Mrs. Decker?
No.
What's happening right now?
What's happening right now is
I'm not gonna lose two
years of my daughter, Russell.
Come on, take it
before I change my mind.
Come by the house tomorrow.
Really? Yep.
And bring some work clothes.
I've got this giant hole in
the second floor, needs fixing.
Okay.
How'd that go?
Thanks a lot, Mom.
I didn't hurt him.
Mmm-hmm.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Let's go get Grandpa
and go home.
Excuse me. Can you check on
Mr. Marino, see if he's ready to go?
Oh, he left already.
I thought you all left.
He said his brother
was picking him up.
Brother? Yeah.
Chuck?
Chuck.
Who's Chuck?
Dad? Ed?
Grandpa! Grandpa!
MIA: Grandpa? PETER: Grandpa!
ARTHUR: Ed? SALLY: Dad?
MIA: Grandpa!
SALLY: Dad? Mom!
I just got off the phone with
Jerry. He hasn't seen him.
I shouldn't have
laid into him so hard.
It's Peter's fault. He
made Grandpa run away.
Yeah, Peter, but at least
you got your room back.
Happy now?
Peter, you still with us?
I think I know
where Grandpa went.
I like the fireplace a lot.
They don't make
'em like this anymore.
Thanks.
You know, there are
secrets inside these walls.
Oh. Hmm. Hmm.
Wait.
I started this.
I'd like to be
the one to end it.
Hi, Chuck.
Grandpa.
Peter. Um... What's going on?
You moved out of your
room. It's your room, kiddo.
It always was.
I decided... I want
you to have it.
I don't want you
to leave, Grandpa.
Peter, I think we both know the
room will always be between us.
No, it won't. Besides,
I love the attic.
I don't know why I got mad about
that old, smelly room in the first place.
Honest.
So you've got to come back.
(SIGHS)
It's not that easy, kiddo.
PETER: I'll do anything.
I'll get back every
marble for you. I swear.
Oh... Pete.
Grandpa, please.
I feel so ashamed
of how I acted.
I just want to curl
up in a ball and die.
It's all my fault.
No. Don't you believe that for
one second. It's both our faults.
You were just defending
what was yours.
Maybe this is how wars get
started and just go on and on.
Your enemy does something bad to you,
so you do something worse back to him.
And he gets you back,
and you get him back.
And the whole thing just
gets worse and worse.
And in the end, somebody
just drops a bomb.
Isn't that how it happens?
That's how it happens.
I don't ever want to go to war.
I'm very glad to hear you say that,
and I hope to God you never have to.
Can I tell you
something, though?
I kind of enjoyed matching
wits with a fellow crazy man.
Really? Yeah.
It helped me get over my
sadness for your grandmother.
Plus, you got me pretty
good a couple times.
Not as good as you got me.
Yeah.
Please come home, Grandpa.
Come here.
MAN: All righty, Mr. Decker,
if you'll sign right there.
You know, I was gonna
cut this tree down myself.
But my wife, with the
whole chain saw thing.
You know, I can use a
chain saw any time I want.
Yeah. I believe that, man.
Here, if you need anything else,
just give me a call
at the office, all right?
Yeah. I mean, I can
use it any time I want.
Yeah. Have some
dignity. It's just a chain saw.
Why? Did she say something?
Hey, Grandpa. I'm
ready to go fishing.
Oh, Petey, I guess I forgot to tell
you, I can't take you fishing today.
Why? It's Saturday. We
always go fishing. It's our thing.
I know. We do, kiddo,
and I wish I could,
but I made other plans,
but we'll make up for it.
Like what?
Little matinee, maybe
hit that new gelato place.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
See? That's for me. Got to go.
We'll make up for it.
Is everything all
right? Yeah, just Peter.
We should go.
(SINGING)
Grandpa! Grandpa!
Hi, Grandpa.
(SINGING) Uh, huh, oh, oh, oh
War What is it really good for
See?
Show me the point of war
So many lives were
torn apart Because of war
It doesn't make sense to me
It doesn't make sense to War
It doesn't make sense to me
It doesn't make sense at all
Life in this world
could be So beautiful
If it wasn't for some
people Acting miserable
Too many of these countries
Look at that.
Are political
And we're stuck in the middle
Stuck in the middle Oh
We just need to let go
All these wars leave a mess
Everyone's under stress
Living life with regrets
Too much? MAN: We're good!
(GROANS)
Oh!
And the pain tears us down
(ALL CHEERING)
War What is it really good for?
Show me the point of war
So many lives were
torn apart Because of war
Doesn't make sense to me
Doesn't make sense to War
Another one.
Doesn't make sense to me
I just saw your...
I like it. Get the blood flow.
So uncomfortable...
My...
Russell. Russell! Russell.
I didn't know that made the cut.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Got something in my throat.
All these wars leave a mess...
(VOCALIZING)
What, did he move?
Golly, he's still alive.
Tune in to the
next episode of...
(SNEEZING)
Let me do that again.
Hey. How can I help you?
How can I doobie-do ya?
How can I help you out?
Doobie, doobie, doobie. Yeah!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, come on.
Crawling on my back.
And you actually
ride that thing?
Hells yes. Fun.
F-U-N-N.
MAN: Last time, again.
What the hell is that?
I didn't know you were a
Marine. I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Get him in there.
Come on. I don't
even know you guys.
Doesn't make sense at all
MAN: All right.
We got it. I think we're good.
(ALL CHEERING)
I work for some
soul-sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in
the cares or worries of its...
MAN 1: Cutting.
MAN 2: Good.
(LAUGHTER)
Good talk.
(SINGING) Hello, good
morning how you doing?
Waking up, shaking
yesterday's blues, yeah
Turn the TV off
it's bad news, man
Feeling fresh like
a Ziploc new man
OJ with a champagne tune-up
Mimosa Holy Ghost
running through ya
"Hell yeah" is the
new "hallelujah"
Popping like the
top off a bottle
And I ain't stopping, yeah
Baby, it's a brand-new day
Ain't no clouds hanging over me
Something doesn't feel the same
The rest of my life
gonna start today
Good morning Na na na na
Good morning Na na na na
Good morning Na na na na
The rest of my life
gonna start today
I've been up I've been down
But I got the feeling right now
I've been up I've been down
Do you got the
feeling right now?
Baby, it's a brand-new day
Ain't no clouds hanging over me
This year's gonna suck.
How do you know that?
The rest of my life
gonna start today
Oops. That happened.
Call it a hunch.
(BELL RINGING)
Ew.
Last year, we were kings.
Fifth-graders. We
ruled that school.
This year, nobody likes us.
That is true.
Speak for
yourself. I'll be fine.
I got a mustache coming in.
I don't see it. Nope.
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
Uh-uh. No one's
got it worse than me.
See that girl over there?
She's gonna torture me
every chance she gets.
Wait a sec. Isn't
that your sister?
Yeah.
At least you guys
have your own rooms.
My grandfather stole mine.
Wait. Your grandpa
moved in with you guys?
When did that happen?
Ever since he robbed
that grocery store.
Can I help you, sir?
You can help me find
Maria. Oh, Maria's gone.
We're completely
self-checkout now.
Much faster. Much
more efficient.
I think you'll like it.
So, are the prices
gonna be lower
because I'm doing
all the work now?
We have everyday
low prices here, sir.
Every day. Every day?
Every day. Get out of my
way. Get out of my way.
Oh, no problem.
Whoa!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please scan your item.
I'm talking to a robot.
Please scan your item.
I just did.
See if this thing...
Please scan your item.
You're very boring.
Please scan your item.
Yeah, right.
(ALARM BLARING)
EMPLOYEE: Sir!
Sir?
Sir, I need you to stop. Hey!
Whoa! Oh, hey!
Sir, let me help you.
You hurt my leg! Get
away! Come on, sir.
Get out of the way!
I'm a senior citizen!
Get out of here! I know judo.
(GRUNTS)
Leave that poor man alone!
Whoa! Your pharmacy stinks!
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
You're ageist! Oh, I see.
Y'all want to bring it on.
You want to bring it on?
MAN: Treat us with respect! Oh!
That's all you got?
(CROWD JEERING)
Now, that hurt.
(SIRENS BLARING)
ED: Hey, there's my girl.
You didn't have to
come all this way.
I told you I was fine.
What happened to the mailbox?
Oh, that. Some
idiot took it out.
Oh, crap.
Dad, you're driving
again, aren't you?
You lost your license, remember?
No, I didn't lose it.
I forgot to renew it.
So now I have to retake
the test again, which is idiotic
because I've been
driving for over 50 years.
I mean, what am I supposed
to do, starve to death?
I'm coming in.
This can't keep happening.
Don't worry, I'm never going
back to that damn store again.
No, I mean the part about,
I have to leave the
dealership early,
drive two hours each
way just to check on you.
I didn't ask you to come!
No, you didn't! The police did.
Dad, I want to come. I
want to be there for you.
But maybe this is
now the time that
we have to consider...
No. I am not moving.
I built this house,
I'm gonna die in this
house, and that's it.
And you're not
putting me in a home.
What if it were our home?
What are you talking about?
Fish and relatives
stink after three days.
That's a horrible idea.
We'll kill each other.
It ain't working. No, sorry.
Dad...
I miss her, too.
And, and that's not gonna change
by moving me out of my
house and sticking me in yours.
Oh, God.
Well, maybe we could
miss her together.
Yeah, maybe.
But you don't have the
room in your house anyway.
Where would you even put me?
The attic? No way!
Come on, buddy, don't make
this harder than it already is.
It's the only choice.
Ooh! (GASPS)
Dad, if it's the only choice,
then it isn't a choice at all.
'Cause a choice means you get
to pick between at least two things.
And this is one thing.
Unless the other thing is I get to sleep
in the yard and get eaten by a bear.
Don't be so dramatic, Peter.
Besides, your sisters
already share a room.
Yeah, well, Sarah
told me you said that.
No, I know she
exaggerates, but...
(SINGING) Christmastime is here
Happiness and cheer
No, you stop. Hold on. Shh!
Shh!
Shh!
Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh!
Hey, what's up?
Shh!
Plus, the attic doesn't
have a bathroom.
And Grandpa can't
do all those stairs.
And the basement,
is the basement.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
(SHRIEKS) What?
My Jordans.
I just put in fresh laces.
Hey, Peter. Do you need
help moving upstairs?
Get out! It's still my room!
Aw. Not for long.
Go away! Go, go, go.
Look, Peter, I know
this is not ideal,
but we're a family,
and you have to make
sacrifices for each other.
Sometimes very big sacrifices.
Look, sweetheart, the
attic is bigger than this room.
Once you move in, then
that will be your room.
No, it won't.
It'll be the attic,
where you put
stuff and forget it,
just like our old TV,
or the exercise bike
that Dad used once.
True. I exercise. What?
Look, think about it
as a fresh new start.
All right? We'll
dust everything off,
put some new
paint up everywhere.
Give you a chance to...
Clean out your turtle tank.
Huh? PETER:
They like it like that.
Gives them privacy.
Does this still
fit you, sweetie?
Yes.
Grandpa!
(SINGING) Grandpa's
here Grandpa's here
Grandpa all the way
Oh, what fun it is to have A
Grandpa come and stay, hey
Hey! Now, remember,
we don't want to
overwhelm Grandpa, okay?
So let's let him get settled in.
There'll be plenty of time to talk
to him tonight at dinner. Okay?
MIA: Oh, I'm not gonna be here.
ARTHUR: What? What?
I'm studying with Russell.
"Studying" still
means studying, right?
It's not slang for
something else?
No, Dad, "studying"
still means studying.
And I already
cleared it with Mom.
Grandpa! Jenny!
Don't body-slam.
(GROANING)
Hi, Grandpa. Hello, sweetheart.
Ed. Artie.
Where's your brother?
(SIGHS) SALLY: Peter?
ARTHUR: Peter!
Peter?
Kids, let's help, uh,
Grandpa get his bags.
Okay. I got this. I got it.
Okay. It just...
It's right over here.
You know, he
called me Artie again.
(SIGHS) Please, Arthur.
This isn't easy for him.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
PETER: Hey, Grandpa.
Hey! There he is! Look at you.
Look at you. You're
sprouting up like a weed.
Oh. Nice sneakers. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks. How do
you like your room?
It looks nice.
Yeah, that's 'cause it is nice.
Easily the nicest
room in the house.
Well, I know, kid.
Look, I didn't want it
to be this way, either.
Sometimes you have to
make sacrifices in a family.
That's true. You're right.
Sometimes you
don't even get a vote.
That makes two of us.
Careful with these floorboards.
They're not very level.
I'll remember that.
Thanks, kiddo.
Talk to you later, Grandpa.
Come visit me in
the attic anytime.
It's the creepy place with
all the spiders and mice.
SALLY: Peter! I wasn't!
Here we are.
BILLY: You were robbed, bro.
PETER: No. I was invaded.
The worst part is, I'm not even
allowed to complain about it.
Seems like you've been
complaining an lot, P.
I mean at home, 'cause he's old
and we all love him and stuff.
Dude, come on, you can't allow
the enemy to invade your base.
You got to fight back
and stick up for your rights.
I don't have rights.
Everyone has
rights. They're in, uh...
Uh, alien-something.
They have to allow
you to pursue happiness.
It's in the Constitution.
Yeah. Well, that would be
great if I lived in North America,
but it turns out that
153 Burlington Avenue
is actually in
North Korea. Whoa!
Did your parents know that
when they bought the house?
What?
I wouldn't put up
with this, Petes.
I'd demand my room
back, or else it's war.
What do you mean,
"or else it's war"?
You want him to
attack his grandfather?
Sneak attack, Emma.
See, he can't fight
him the normal way,
because his grandfather has
strength, size and experience,
whereas Peter is just
weak, small and dumb.
You're a bad friend.
Hi, Steven.
Mom says don't forget to wear your
sandals when you shower in gym class.
(LAUGHTER)
Not cool, Lisa.
My brother has that toe
fungus thing. It's totally gross.
And contagious. Contagious?
Gross. It's only
on six of my toes.
(STUTTERS) That's
a lot of toe, bro.
(SINGING) When you leave me
My world's not alive
You'll be in my days and nights
Hi, Grandpa. Hi, sweetheart.
Do you want to play a game?
I have Reindeer Run.
I have Santa's World.
I have 1-2-3 Christmas Tree.
Well, maybe, but
not right now, okay?
Want to watch a movie?
I have Frosty the Snowman.
I don't think so,
okay, sweetheart?
Maybe tomorrow? Okay.
What's wrong with Grandpa?
Why? What happened?
He doesn't want to do anything.
He just stares out the window,
but there's nothing there
except that dead tree that
Daddy says he's gonna cut down.
But you won't let him
use the chain saw.
Daddy can use a chain saw
any time he wants, honey. Okay?
He just chooses to wait
until Mommy says it's okay.
Grandpa will be all
right. He's just tired
and thinking a lot
about Grandma.
He'll be okay. Okay.
(BAT SCREECHES)
(SHRIEKS)
Get away from me!
(GROANS)
I hate my life.
Oh, come on.
Ow!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
"Declaration of War.
"When in the course
of human events
"one person steals"
"another person's bedroom,"
"there is no other
choice but war."
(SIGHS)
"You have 24 hours to
give me back what is mine"
"or face the consequences."
"Secret Warrior."
(SCOFFS)
Nice handwriting.
It's not bad. It's just...
You know, it's an
adjustment, so...
Yeah. Who are you talking to?
What? It's Jerry. I'm
just... I'm on the phone.
No, I would love to.
I would love to, but I can't.
I'm sort of stuck here. Yeah.
Hi, Jerry. It's Sally. Hey!
He's not stuck.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I'll bring him over on
my way to work. See you soon.
Bye, Jerry.
So, now you're setting
me up on playdates?
Gonna pack me a lunch,
maybe put a note in it?
You want a note? You
might not like what it says.
I'll see him another
time. I'm not up to it.
You haven't seen Jerry in ages.
Now you live
close. It'll be nice.
I can't, I don't want to,
and I've got stuff to do.
I have to take care
of the light switch
in my room now, 'cause Artie
put it in backwards. You did.
Eat up. We leave in 15 minutes.
Yes, Mom.
How's it going,
Grandpa? Sleep okay?
Like a log, Petey. Thanks.
Don't you guys get the paper
around here? Yeah, we do.
Here it is. Oh,
I can't read this.
Just make it bigger,
see? Oh, yeah.
Jen... (SIGHS) How
does she survive?
She doesn't eat anything.
SALLY: I don't know.
Don't be late,
Peter. PETER: Okay.
So, no nightmares?
Me? No. Insomnia?
Now it's like eight words
on the whole screen.
You don't want to
talk about anything?
I just made the
whole thing disappear.
I don't know what I did just
now. ARTHUR: Peter, let's go!
Okay, well, if you
want to talk about
something later
on, we can do that.
Okay, have a good day.
He didn't react at all?
Not a word. What's his game?
What's yours, Pete?
I mean, come on,
you don't start a
war with a note.
Maybe he didn't
actually read it.
He read it.
It was on his desk, unfolded.
Maybe he forgot what he
read. Old people do that.
You do that, Steve.
Oops.
That happened. (CHUCKLES)
But the point is you've already
blown the element of surprise.
You've got to
attack immediately.
Um, there's chili
in your backpack.
He knows. Yeah.
Hi, Steven. Oh, God, no.
You left your retainer in
the back seat of Morn's car.
I think a Snickers
got mashed up in it.
Ugh. At least I hope
that's a Snickers.
See you at dinner.
(SNIFFING)
We're good, it's a Snickers.
Coming along, Arthur? Not
bad. If you like big boxes.
Big boxes built this company.
Yes. Yes, they did.
You sure that's the
Walmart footprint?
"Walmart"?
Thought this was for K-mart.
It's Walmart.
Oh, man. I'm sorry.
I, uh, got a lot on
my mind these days.
My father-in-law just
moved in with us, so...
I don't know. I feel
like he judges me.
He thinks I work for some
soul-sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in
the cares or worries of its...
Its employees.
Have a good time.
So I'm just gonna walk home?
Well, you can if you want.
Or you can use this.
I already have a phone.
That's not a phone. I don't
even know what that is.
Just take it.
Okay, now, this is a
car service called Lyft.
You want to go home,
you just swipe that,
somebody comes to get
you. You don't need any cash.
You don't even have to
talk to anybody. Just swipe.
Just swipe it.
Bye, Dad. Oh, okay.
Say hi to Jerry for me. I will.
Holy cow. This is all yours?
This is like a college
kid's dream room.
Are you kidding?
No college kid
could afford this.
The pool table
alone is six grand.
And you use all this stuff?
Of course, I do.
What do you want to do first?
Eight ball?
Pump some iron? I got Madden.
And what the heck is that?
That is a Onewheel.
And they are fun.
And you actually
ride that thing?
Hells yes!
Epic!
Whoa!
(SHRIEKS)
You should see me.
Wow! DANNY: Yo, Jerry!
Oh, sorry. I didn't
know you were ocupado.
This is my old friend Ed. Ed.
Danny. Hey. Danny.
Hi, Danny. Glad to meet you.
So, uh, we walking?
Yeah. Oh, good.
'Cause my masseuse told me
if I got 10,000
steps in this week,
she would meet me for coffee.
Ooh. And by coffee,
I mean, you know...
Coffee? Yeah, coffee.
Morning, ladies.
WOMAN: Really, dude?
Those yoga pants are
gonna be the death of me.
Why do you do that?
What? They think I'm cute.
Yeah, cute, like,
"Aren't old guys cute"
"when they still think
they have a shot?"
Hey, I'm a catch, You
know, I got a full pension.
Two more years, I
can ski free as a senior.
You ski? No, I do not.
Morning. Beautiful
morning. How you doing?
Nice, nice. Next time
bring up the pension.
Or the free skiing
you'll never do. Oh.
How's your daughter's place, Ed?
It's okay, I guess.
She gave me my grandson's room.
He's not too happy about it.
He sent me this last night.
(MUMBLES)
(MUTTERING)
Whoa!
How did you respond?
I didn't. You're just
gonna roll over on this?
You got to respond. Come on.
This kind of aggression
shall not stand. Semper Fi.
I didn't know you were a Marine.
I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Ah, he's a kid. He's getting
used to it, just like I am.
I'm his grandfather.
So you know...
He's not gonna do anything.
What are you talking
about? You can't take...
(SINGING) Cotton candy, sweetie
Go, let me see that Tootsie Roll
Come on, come on Tootsie Roll
Just make that Tootsie Roll
Yeah, come on Tootsie Roll
And make your Tootsie Roll
Here we go, here
we go Tootsie Roll
Just make that Tootsie Roll
I want to see your Tootsie Roll
Just make your Tootsie Roll
To the left, to the left
To the right, to the right
To the front, to the front
To the back, to the back
"People who steal
other people's rooms"
"should not sleep well."
Peter?
Oh, Peter.
Grandpa. Is that you?
Yeah, it's me. You know it's me.
You know what time it is?
Nighttime?
It's the middle of the night.
Come on. It's not funny, Peter.
I don't like people
playing tricks on me,
especially not my own grandson.
It's not a trick. It's war.
You don't go to war
against your family.
You have to have an enemy to
go to war, and I'm not your enemy.
You got my declaration.
Why didn't you say anything?
Because I was kind
of hoping it was a joke.
It's not a joke.
You took something of
mine, and I want it back.
Okay. Go back to sleep.
You made your point,
but this is over now.
We'll see you in the
morning, which is almost here.
Grandpa? I love you.
I love you, too, kiddo.
But the war's still on.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hi, Grandpa. Hey, Jenny.
Can I come in? Sure.
Why not?
'Cause when Peter lived here,
I wasn't allowed,
unless I sneaked.
Come on, come on.
So, what can I do
for you? Nothing.
I just like to look at
other people's stuff.
You know it's my
birthday coming up.
That I do.
Okay. Just making sure.
What's this?
Those are marbles.
Can I have one?
Sure, if you promise
to take care of it,
because they're very special.
They're not magic.
People always say their things
are magic and they never are.
No. I didn't say that
they were magic,
but they are special.
Come here.
You remember how
Grandpa used to build houses?
Yeah, but I wasn't born.
That's true, you weren't born.
But when you build a house,
you always start by
doing some digging.
And for some reason, you
almost always find marbles.
I guess because they roll
around and get lost easily.
But pretty much every
foundation I ever dug,
I always found a marble or two.
So, guess what I did with them?
What? I kept them.
So, if you count
all those marbles,
you'll know how
many houses I built.
That's a lot of houses.
I worked a long time.
How come you don't work now?
Because I'm what
you call "retired."
What's "retired"?
It's when you stop working
so you can do other things.
Like your grandmother
and I had big plans,
but sometimes things
just don't work out.
Can I have a marble now?
Sure.
What the...
(GRUNTS)
Careful, sweetheart.
Careful, careful.
(SHRIEKS)
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna rest
down here for a while. (GROANS)
Can I still have a marble?
Take whatever you want.
(MARBLES CLATTERING)
Oh, no.
No, no.
No. (GRUNTS)
What's that racket upstairs?
Grandpa lost his marbles.
(WINDOW TINKLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You wanted to see me?
Yeah, come on in.
Shut the door.
Have a seat.
So...
You know that big
jar of marbles I had?
No. How would I know
about the things you have
in your room...
That used to be mine?
That's good.
That's funny.
That's real funny.
Everybody likes a funny kid.
I thought we were
done with this.
All you have to do
is tell Mom and Dad
that you want to
switch rooms with me.
And then it'll be done.
You really want a war?
Because, you know,
I've been in one.
And it's not like video games.
Even if you win,
everybody gets hurt.
I only want what's mine.
By playing hardball, huh?
I'm not playing.
Fair enough.
So, what are the
rules of engagement?
The what?
Rules of engagement.
What's allowed and not allowed.
You don't have rules in a war.
Oh, yes, you do.
"Rule number one..."
"No collateral damage"
"to civilians or
their property."
That means it can't affect
your parents or your sisters.
Agreed.
"Rule number two..."
"No telling."
This is man-to-man,
just between me and you.
No ratting the other guy out.
Agreed.
Okay. Sign.
Okay.
You got your wish,
Secret Warrior.
Okay...
Senior Soldier.
But from now on,
you better watch out.
NARRATOR: (ON TV) The jungle...
A place where animals
both big and small,
exotic and bizarre,
coexist with one another
in the same space
and in the same time.
The game... To survive.
The stakes... Life and death.
Those who strike first
live to see another day.
Those who sleep
will be eaten alive.
I've heard people whisper
That you aren't being true
I just let them whisper
'Cause all I've got is you
(VOICE WARPS) I've gotta believe
In something
I've gotta believe...
(RECORD WINDS RAPIDLY)
Okay. Okay.
What the...
What is this stuff?
Fast-drying foam sealant.
I'm gonna kill this kid.
You don't mess
with me, you little...
You think you're cute?
You've welcomed a
world of pain, my friend.
You'll be sorry. Mess
with me, you little...
Think you're cute?
You're not cute!
Ah!
Oh! (MUFFLED SCREAM)
(SCREAMS) (MUFFLED SCREAM)
Oh! (MUFFLED SCREAM)
Oh!
This will never be spoken of.
No idea what
you're talking about.
Oh!
You're doing very well, Grandpa.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You're a very good teacher.
Why is your face all red?
I don't know.
I may be allergic to
something in this house.
I'm off to shaving cream.
I mean, school.
Uh, Peter, is that your binder?
Yeah. Thanks.
Have a good day
at school, kiddo.
Love you.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hey, Pete.
How's your super
unnecessary war going?
Not good. I was up all night.
Couldn't sleep at all.
Diarrhea? What? No.
My grandpa.
Your grandpa had diarrhea?
No. There's no
diarrhea in this story.
Oh.
I did what you said yesterday,
and I hit him good
multiple times.
I even put hot sauce in
his coffee this morning.
So far, nothing.
(GASPS)
Dude, your grandfather's
using psyops.
Psychological warfare.
Or maybe he's
just being an adult.
Peter, if you're done talking,
maybe you'd like to read us
your report on what you did
over your summer vacation?
Yeah. Sure.
"My Summer Vacation"
by Peter Decker.
"This summer was one of the
best summer breaks I've ever had."
"I rode my bike a lot
and stopped showering"
"until I smelled like
a monkey's butt."
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Keep reading, Peter. Go on.
I don't want to.
This isn't my... Read.
"During my vacation,"
"I figured out how to freeze
my own farts in a baggie."
(LAUGHTER)
I didn't write this!
Have a seat.
And see me after class.
Psyops.
Amateur.
(DRILL WHIRRING)
(EXCLAIMS)
What's going on here?
(STUTTERS) Nothing.
Nothing. We were just, um...
I was just dropping off some
vocabulary drills. Uh-huh.
Really? Vocabulary.
Russell, go.
Mia, stay.
Do we not have a policy
about no boys in this
house when no one is here?
Oh, my God, Mom,
don't blow a gasket.
We weren't doing anything.
Don't you think I
was your age once?
No, I don't. Really?
Yeah, 'cause you are... What?
You are literally...
You are... Say it.
(YELLS IN FRUSTRATION)
Those vocabulary drills
are paying off, sweetie. Ugh!
What the heck?
Whoa!
Don't start nothing,
won't be nothing.
He got me.
(GROANS)
I got him good.
Tape on the doorway.
Like I wouldn't see that
coming from a mile away.
Rookie! Tape on the doorway.
Tape on the doorway.
Step back, boys. Big hitter.
All right. Yep. Stepping back.
(CAR ALARM BLARES)
We should skip this hole.
Yeah, good idea. Come on. Yeah.
I wonder how my grandpa's
golf game is... Going.
My Jordans.
Dude, I think your
grandpa might be a ninja.
My Jordans!
(REGISTER BEEPS)
First time?
Unfortunately, no.
What are you, a
spy or something?
No, I'm just trying to
outsmart my grandson.
We're in the middle of a
turf battle over a bedroom.
I just moved into my
daughter's house, so...
No, no, no, don't
say anything else.
That way, they
can't make me testify.
I won't.
You need a hand?
No, let me give
it one more shot.
(REGISTER BEEPS)
Oh, come on. Yeah, I...
All right, what am I
doing wrong now?
Oh! No, I'm not
gonna help you now.
That way, you'll never learn.
Making it tough on me, huh?
(REGISTER TRILLING)
You're on your way.
MAN: (ON TV) Bam!
Cars like this 1974
Volkswagen Bug use...
We had one of those, remember?
We changed the clutch on
it. Yeah, how could I forget?
You dropped the
flywheel on my toe.
(CHUCKLES) That was your
fault for mistaking me for your son.
Anybody want to watch
anything else, maybe?
Like, uh, Netflix?
Weather Channel?
C-SPAN?
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Hey, yeah.
Hey. Going to Skyler's house.
What? Now?
Yeah. I'm studying.
Do you want me to get
into a good college or not?
Okay. Bye.
She's going to see
Russell. I know it.
What? None of my business.
No, come on. You're
gonna say it anyway.
Okay.
My advice about fighting with
her about her boyfriend is don't.
It cost me two years with you.
Yeah.
When you started
dating Artie here.
That's not true. I
don't remember that.
I do. It was terrible.
I was over at the
house all the time.
Yeah, you were over at the
house talking to your mother.
You barely talked to me at all.
Oh.
Really? Yeah.
Um... Sorry, Dad.
No, don't be. It was my fault.
I thought he wasn't
good enough for you,
till I realized that
wasn't the point.
The point was you thought
he was good enough for you.
But you and Arthur
get along great now.
Because I stopped
being an idiot.
But I'll never get
those two years back.
Wow. Uh...
I appreciate that, Ed.
You're welcome, Artie. I
mean, I meant that, sincerely.
But the career, not so much.
SALLY: What?
Dad!
Nothing against Artie.
It's just that I think
that people who lose
sight of their dreams
and settle for less
are never very happy.
That's all.
Really? I find that
those same people
tend to have secure incomes.
Which then allow
them to, I don't know,
take in an aging
senior, perhaps.
And the name's Arthur.
Come on, honey.
Let's go. It's bedtime.
Here we go.
Night, sweetie.
Night. Good night.
I thought you
stopped being an idiot.
Sorry.
(DRONE WHIRRING)
I can't put anything
back together.
He took all of the screws.
So now I'm
sleeping on the floor.
That's hilarious.
Yeah. Ha ha.
Dude, you might
have to face the fact
that your grandfather's
just smarter than you.
Hey! Billy, nice snake.
Thanks.
Steven, I found the dog
chewing your snuggables again.
(SCOFFS) Those aren't mine.
Really?
It says "Captain
Steve" on the waistband.
Get out of my
room! Captain Steve.
See? Not that hard. Yeah.
Thanks, kiddo.
Okay, off you go.
Skedaddle. Thanks.
Yeah. Now you're talking.
EMMA: I know something
you could do, Peter.
What? You could use
some of the mental
energy you're expending
on thinking up stupid tricks
to play on your grandfather
to not get a "C" in math.
Who cares about
math? This is real life.
Said the guy building a
fake castle in a video game.
Petersburg isn't a castle.
It's a palace.
And after three years in the
making, it's almost finished.
(CHUCKLES) Too easy.
(SNEEZING)
No.
Uh-oh.
And then see if the
light comes back on.
No!
Any nimrod knows that.
(SCREAMS)
What the...
Did you bring it?
You got the cash?
Dude, it's all there.
I'm sure it is,
Pete. I'm sure it is.
(SCREAMING)
Not funny, Peter.
Nice snake.
Nice, nice snake. Nice snake.
Nice. Take all the
room you want.
Do whatever you want.
I'm just gonna go...
Go over here.
Don't mind if I do, Eddie.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
You stay there. You stay there.
You stay there.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
What's that?
It's a Vitalert necklace.
A what?
Like those TV commercials?
You expect me to wear that?
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. No way.
Look. You know, you just... No.
You wear it under your shirt,
and, hey, nobody
can even see it.
You can't see that. Right?
If you don't want
to wear it for you,
wear it for me.
But I don't need this.
Really? I don't need this.
Because Arthur says
that you've been acting...
Oddly.
He has? ARTHUR: For the record,
I didn't say "oddly."
I said "confused."
Confused? SALLY: Look, Dad,
is it so hard to believe
that we care about you?
Probably won't
even need to use it.
You got that right,
'cause I'm not wearing it.
Look, it gives me
peace of mind to know
that with just one
push of a button,
you can get help if you need it.
Please?
Please.
Sweet necklace, Grandpa.
For every action, my friend.
(SNIFFS) Ugh!
(GROANS) Ugh!
EMMA: And this is
how you found him?
BILLY: Yeah.
When I couldn't reach
him online, I got worried.
My life's work... Ruined!
STEVE: All I see
is a pile of rubble.
He destroyed Petersburg!
I've been building it for
more than a third of my life.
Actually, three over
12 is exactly 25%,
which is less than
a third of your life.
Well, it is.
It's okay, buddy.
(SCREAMS WEAKLY)
(SALLY SCREAMING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh. You see, dear?
I was right. The
boy's coming around.
Do you both promise
to use your words?
I promise.
Why are we doing it this way?
Because, when you
have peace talks,
you need someone
neutral to mediate.
Otherwise, it just
breaks down into yelling.
This is dumb!
Well, we're doing it.
Besides, it took me five minutes
to get in this chair,
and I'm not getting out.
Grandpa promised.
You have to promise.
Okay, fine. I promise.
Good. Now, I will admit
that hostilities
may have escalated
more than either
of us anticipated.
You don't touch
another man's computer!
That's not cool!
That's what war
is all about, kiddo.
War. I just want my room back!
No yelling. I'm not
yelling. He's yelling.
Say you're sorry to Grandpa.
No, it's okay, sweetheart.
I love you, Grandpa.
I love you, too.
Stop that! Stop what?
What's going on here?
Nothing's going on here.
You're supposed to be neutral!
I don't even know
what that means.
It means you shouldn't act
like you like him better than me.
I do like him better than you.
He gave me a cookie.
Okay, that sounds
worse than it is.
It is true a cookie was
given, but it was way before
this negotiation had
even been scheduled.
Chocolate chip, my favorite.
Mine, too.
That's it.
I'm done. Peace is canceled.
No yelling. Shut up!
Shut up's a bad word. Peter.
Can I have my second cookie now?
Peter, hold on. Please.
Come on. You're right.
A cookie may have been involved,
which may have been an
attempt to influence the mediator,
which, in retrospect, may
have been inappropriate.
May have been? Okay, to be fair,
you entered negotiations
with a bit of an attitude yourself.
You didn't really give
peace a chance, either.
Why should I? You
demolished Petersburg.
But that's what I've been trying
to tell you when this all started.
War is no game, Peter.
Only kids and fools
and generals think that.
War hurts.
War wounds and kills
and causes misery.
We got to end this somehow.
How?
What if we have one final
competition, winner take all?
What kind of competition?
I don't know. You pick.
Whatever you want, I'll do it
and this whole thing will be over.
Whatever I want?
Whatever you want.
Okay.
ED: It's not a date.
It's just that we need
a fourth for the team
and it needs to be a woman,
and I don't know anyone else.
So, let me get this straight.
You want me to help
you and your buddies
to beat up your
grandson and his buddies,
because the two of
you can't figure out
some way to live
in the same house?
Well, when you
put it like that...
I'm in.
My granddaughter can be
a pain in the butt sometimes.
Whoo!
Holy Mary, we're dead.
It's just an intimidation
tactic, Danny.
Don't let them see your fear.
They feed off that.
They're like baby velociraptors.
Yeah. We're up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Do you guys even remember
how to play dodgeball?
Did they even have
dodgeball in the 1800s?
They had wiseass
kids, I know that.
And just remember, no headsies.
And no nutsies.
No aiming for the junk.
Yeah. What he said.
Hope you brought
your Poligrip, old man,
'cause those false
teeth are coming out.
Big words for a little baby.
Sure you don't need
your diaper changed?
Sure you don't?
(BILLY AND PETER LAUGH) Ooh!
Men. Tell me about it.
You're gonna love
the attic, Grandpa.
We're gonna see
about that, Petey boy.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's get it on.
Let's get it on!
(WHISTLE BLOWING) (BOYS YELL)
(GRUNTING)
Hi.
Run for your lives!
Fire!
I'm already regretting
agreeing to do this.
Man down.
Hey! We said no headsies.
Oops. It slipped.
Punk. (GROANING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) That's game!
Age Appropriate Team: one.
ALL: Whoo! Yeah!
That's what's up!
AARP Team: none.
My ears are ringing.
This is barbaric.
Man up, Danny. Get in the game.
Who's this again?
Come on, bring it in, guys.
Bring it in.
Obviously, they're
way too fast for us.
Yeah. Yeah.
We're gonna have
to play our game
if we're gonna win
this thing. Am I right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Okay. I have an idea.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Game two. Positions, people.
PETER: Grab 'em!
Fire!
Yeah. Now you're in trouble.
Boom! (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Out, out, out.
Two catches and
a hit. You three.
Come on, you old coots,
give me your best shot.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Headsies.
Whoo!
Whoo!
(GIBBERS MOCKINGLY)
(GROANS)
Nutsies.
Oops. Slipped. (WHISTLE BLOWS)
That's game two.
We tied, one apiece.
Final match. Winner takes all.
You okay?
Okay?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Positions, people.
(YELLING)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
What's he doing?
Danny.
You're an animal.
Hells yeah!
Whose house is this?
Our house! Our house!
Yeah! Let's do this.
(SCREAMS)
Jerry, what happened?
I tore something.
Yeah, I definitely heard a pop.
(GROANING)
Dude... I mean, old dude.
Are you okay? Of
course he's okay, dummy.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) You, you're out.
Cheat.
You can't get me. I'm on fire!
Sorry, Danny.
(GAGGING)
Oh! What's up, son?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
You two, out.
What? That's not fair!
Yeah, ref, doesn't count.
Kid was already out
and he throws like a girl.
Ooh!
Diane, what's with
the friendly fire?
What are you, a rogue agent now?
(WHISTLE BLOWS) You three, out.
Yes! Nice.
Sorry, Peter's grandpa,
but I'm gonna end you.
Hey, what happened
to the sisterhood?
Sorry, kid.
You will not have died
in vain. This is so dumb.
Yeah, you're out
now. Off you go.
DIANE: Go, Ed!
JERRY: Yeah! BILLY:
Come on, Peter, you got this!
End him. Get your room back.
Finish him, Ed.
DIANE: Yeah, go, Ed.
What are y'all
waiting for? End it!
I got an eight-year-old's
birthday party that's next.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
It's a tie. What?
Come on. ED: No way!
What? No way! What? A tie?
I totally caught his ball
before he caught mine.
No, I caught the ball first.
Really? Seriously, he
caught it before him.
He bobbled his. I
didn't bobble anything.
He's got butterfingers.
See? Butter.
He's old... His
fingers don't work.
I got one finger that works.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Okay, that's enough. Game over.
Go home, all y'all,
seriously. Leave.
I won. Yeah, sure.
I won. Are you kidding me?
You lost. I'm sorry. What
are you talking about?
You know that. What
are you talking about?
PETER: I obviously
caught it before you.
This place have a bar?
Hmm.
What's this?
I'm just doodling.
It doesn't look like
one of your usual...
What do you call 'em, boxes.
Yeah.
No, don't get me
wrong. I meant...
It's interesting,
really. I like it.
Is this for work?
No, the... The city's
taking bids for an
addition to the library.
So I thought I would
submit a design.
But you know how
it is. I'm sure they'll
just pick one of the big firms.
Well, you miss 100% of
the shots you don't take.
You know who said that?
Uh... (SIGHS)
No.
Wayne Gretzky.
Best hockey player of all time.
I was gonna say that.
The Great One?
The greatest.
Still not a sports guy.
Nah. Okay.
(SNORING)
(BEEP)
(SIREN WAILING)
Found him. MAN:
Prepare a sedative.
Just lay down, sir.
What is this?
Relax, sir. Hold him. Hold him.
We're trying to
save your life, sir.
Get that thing away from me!
Sir, you are not helping us.
I just bought these, you idiot!
What are you...
Don't worry, sir.
You're in good hands.
You touch me
with those, you die!
Patient appears combative.
You touch me with those...
We might need restraints.
Restraints! I don't
need restraints!
Just relax, sir. Don't
do it! (SCREAMS)
STEVE: Dude, I hated that test.
PETER: I think
I did pretty good.
Get in the car.
Uh...
Thanks,
but I think I'm just gonna take
the bus home with my friends.
Come on, get in the car.
Bye.
Friend of yours?
ED: That's Chuck.
You don't need to
know about Chuck.
Um...
Where are we going?
Clear Lake.
Nice place. You'll like it.
You know I'm only 12, right?
That's a lot of
life left to live.
I could be president someday.
Be on the first manned
mission to Mars.
(KNOCK ON WINDOW) Holy heck!
Get out.
You know...
Morn's expecting us for dinner.
Maybe I should call her,
let her know where we're at.
Don't bother. We're
bringing dinner home tonight.
I rented it for a couple hours.
I thought me and you
could do a little fishing.
Together.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
How's that sound?
Great!
I mean, I'm not gonna have fun.
You'll have fun.
I think I caught one.
That a way.
It's got to be a big one.
Hey! He's huge!
Nice going.
Yeah.
That's not a fish.
That's a whale.
He really fought, too.
We're gonna have
some good eating tonight.
Let me bait you up again.
Okay.
Okay, cast away.
Nice cast.
Thanks.
This is kind of
fun. Yeah, it is.
That's what happens when we
put our differences aside, you see?
How are they biting?
Pretty good.
Caught a couple of nice ones.
Good for you.
That's probably because
not too many people fish here,
it being illegal and all.
What? What?
You could ask the ranger.
Here he comes now.
Dump the fish.
But those are our
fish! Dump the fish!
Why? Dump them!
The cooler!
Forget the cooler.
You are in violation of the law!
He's gaining on us.
He's gaining on us.
What are you doing?
I got to call Chuck
to pick us up.
He left us?
What kind of friend is that?
Friend? He's my Lyft
driver. I don't know the guy.
Pull over or face
the consequences!
Brace yourself.
We're coming in hot.
Grandpa, come on!
Hey, why didn't you tell
us there was no fishing?
You wouldn't have
rented the boat!
(GRUNTS)
Hey! Stop!
Hold it!
That was so cool.
Yeah, that was.
But breaking the law is
wrong. You know that, right?
Yeah, I know.
Mmm.
ED: Pull over here, Chuck.
I want to show you
something, Pete.
So, this house...
This house for sale, I built it.
They changed the
color. I don't like that.
What do you think?
I like it.
Maybe it's not so bad.
You know, over the years,
if I wasn't feeling so good,
I'd come by, and
I'd... I'd take a look.
I'd see people living
in the thing I built,
raising families,
making lives, and...
I'd feel better.
You feel better now?
Yeah, I do.
Hey, do you want
to know a secret?
Yeah.
Come on.
People who build houses
usually sign their work,
like an artist signs a painting.
Really? Yeah.
But it's always hidden.
Yeah.
Some guys sign
their name on a rafter.
Others put something
under the floorboards,
like a newspaper with the
date the house was finished.
One guy I knew
used to write a poem
on the bottom of a toilet
before he installed it.
(LAUGHS)
What did you do? Me?
Well, I always
had one of my guys
take a picture of me
and your grandmother,
and then I would
seal the picture
inside the wall
next to the fireplace.
So, there are photos of
me and your grandmother
inside walls all over
this part of the city.
Nobody knows but you.
And now you do.
That's cool.
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
ED: We'll make an
angler out of you yet, kid.
PETER: Maybe next time,
we can actually find a lake
where they let us fish.
Oh, yeah, there
are plenty of lakes
brimming with bass
around here, Pete.
Yeah. Fat ones, too.
Yeah, whoppers.
Grandpa? Yeah, Pete.
Thank you for taking me fishing.
I had a really great time.
You're welcome. I
had a great time, too.
Let's do it more often.
Yeah.
Sure.
See you at dinner.
(SCREAMING)
That's good.
You got me. You got me good.
You're a dead man.
(CHUCKLES)
Oops!
Ow! That happened.
(GROANS) Not again.
Oops.
That happened.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Okay, so I'm gonna
put the Santa hat
right here.
Did you put the
words in that one?
I'm doing that right now.
"Come celebrate
Jennifer's super fun,"
"Christmas-theme
birthday party."
Great job. Like it?
Love it.
(ORGAN PLAYS SOFTLY)
Is this seat open?
Thanks, Ed, for coming with me.
These things are
never fun to go to alone.
Carl was one of my
longtime adventure buddies.
Gonna miss the old hell raiser.
How did he, you know, uh...
In his sleep.
While skydiving.
Looking good, bro.
So, did you come here alone?
That's my husband.
Mmm.
Probably need a ride, huh?
(RINGTONE PLAYING)
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
Ya like to Move it!
What the... I like
to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
Sorry. I like to
move it, move it
Ya like to...
Shoot.
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it...
What the...
I like to move it, move it,
I like to move it, move it...
Sorry about this, Carl.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
I like to move it, move it...
I don't know this guy.
Move it, move it, ya like to
Move it! I like to...
(TURNS OFF PHONE)
So, Grandpa, how was
that funeral yesterday?
Really nice.
Thanks for asking.
How about you? Anything
exciting happen at school?
No.
Unless you call getting
punched in the face
by a giant
eighth-grader exciting.
Really?
Yep.
What happened? He
was blasted into a giant
orange-stole... As soon as
he opened up my backpack.
It's so weird, right?
Hello, boys!
Hey, Dad. Hey...
Let me set this stuff
down, and I'll help you
put the lights on
the roof there, Ed.
Thanks, Arthur.
I said "Arthur."
Don't you two make a nice team.
Jenny's birthday's
gonna be so exciting.
All that's left to do is
try to find a Santa Claus
in early September,
and we'll be golden.
Don't you worry yourself.
I know Santa personally.
Consider it done.
SALLY: Aw!
Thanks, Dad. That's so sweet.
It's the least I
can do for Jenny.
Mom, before you
say no, hear me out.
Can Russell come to
Jennifer's birthday party?
No. What?
Why? Peter's friends get to go.
That reminds me, I invited Jerry
and the crew, if that's okay.
No, that's great.
And you don't see
how unfair this is?
I hate you! (YELLS
IN FRUSTRATION)
I don't want to hear it.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah?
Listen... You know,
in World War I, the
Germans and the British
put down their weapons
on Christmas Eve
in favor of celebrating
rather than fighting
during the holiday. Hmm.
Your sister's birthday
is a special occasion
and should be celebrated.
I guess you're right.
Okay, then let's agree...
Temporary armistice for Jenny.
Deal?
Deal.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Please! Stop it.
Ow! Cut it out!
You're hurting me.
"You're hurting me."
That looks like fun.
Yeah, lots of fun.
We like fun, too.
Forgot I had detention today.
Looks like you're on your own.
I have a question.
Do you know my
grandson Peter Decker?
Thought so.
Dumpster. What? Wait, wait.
Don't make this harder
than it has to be, kid.
Come on, take your
lumps like a man.
Who are you guys? Come on.
Disciplinary board.
Leave Peter alone, understood?
Whoa! Ripe.
Not your lucky day, tough guy.
Get him in there. BOY: No!
No! Don't...
No!
Nasty!
BOY: Get me out of here!
Hello?
Wow!
Merry birthday, sweetheart.
(SINGING) Hey
Ooh, hoo
Hurry home and come round here
I really love this time of year
Making plans to get together
Memories that will last forever
Sharing laughter and sharing joy
Everyone is singing,
all the girls and boys
Some kind of magic is in the air
To make a special
moment we can share
The snow is falling...
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
EMMA: Billy, they agreed.
His grandpa's not
gonna do anything.
If my grandpa makes
a move, I'll be ready.
See that Santa chair?
BILLY: Yeah.
I booby-trapped it.
Did somebody say "boobies"?
Go away, Steve.
This eggnog tastes funny.
Let me fix it for you.
Ooh!
Hey, everybody!
Guess who's here!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Here comes Santa.
(KIDS SCREAM EXCITEDLY)
KIDS: Santa!
Better watch out,
better not pout.
I got toys and goodies.
I got everything.
Wait a sec.
That's not my grandpa.
Ed?
No, thanks. Got to stay alert.
Just in case.
Kid wouldn't have the cojones
to do anything. You shook on it.
You never know. You
can't trust these kids.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey. Nice party, huh, pal?
Sure is, buddy.
But I thought you were
playing Santa Claus.
Me? Oh, no, I leave
that to the professionals.
Jerry's been a mall
Santa ever since he retired.
That a problem, Pete?
Why would that be a problem?
Just asking.
Hey, you want to get me
one of those sodas over there?
Thanks, kiddo.
Kid's up to
something. I can feel it.
Probably just a coincidence.
(LAUGHING)
Ho, ho, ho!
JERRY: And what's your name?
Let me guess.
It wasn't a name 20 years ago.
Am I right? ARTHUR: Peter?
Dad, what's up? You
know where Mia is?
She's supposed to help
me with the hot dogs.
Nope.
Well, hey, come on.
I could use your help.
Hey, Grandpa.
What happened to
you? You're all wet.
Some questions don't
have answers, Pete.
Hey, cookie?
No, it's okay. Oh,
they're delicious.
No, it's really fine.
Especially this one.
I'm good. You sure?
I'm sure.
Want to help me get some
mustard and ketchup on these
bad boys and get 'em out to
the kids before they get cold?
Sounds good, Dad.
I'll do the front row,
you do the back?
You're the boss.
I'm so sorry. That just slipped.
I swear, I didn't
mean to do that.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, darn.
Bottles must be overly full.
Hey, Dad? The Christmas
lights are on the fritz again.
Could you check
on them? I'm on it.
Yeah, and, Peter, check on the
air pump for the bouncy house.
Could be a little
bit... Bouncier.
What the heck is he up to now?
(SCREAMS) Grandpa!
Dad! Dad!
Dad?
Are you all right?
I'm okay. Found
a quarter in here.
Peter, we said no pranks.
We shook hands on it,
man-to-man. What happened?
What are you talking about?
Grandpa, I swear,
I didn't do that.
JERRY: Whoa!
Santa's dead!
Okay. I might have did that.
That's not good.
(GROANS)
Danny, Ed, did you see that?
Epic.
Here comes Santa.
Ho, ho, ho.
(GASPS)
My franks. SALLY: Jerry!
Jerry, you all right?
What happened?
(SCREAMS)
Fire!
Everybody get back! I got this!
Dad, I'll get the hose. Okay.
All right, pull the pin. Got it.
"Point away from face..."
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I got it.
Grandpa, get out of the way!
My Christmas tree.
My Christmas birthday cake.
Oh! What have we done?
No, no, no, no!
Peter!
Hi, Mom.
Mia?
Russell!
Don't you run away, Russell!
Nothing happened.
Okay, this is not my fault.
(ED GROANS)
Little help? Anybody?
That's a pretty good
scrape there, Mr. Marino.
Yeah? You should see the tree.
Thank you.
What? What? It's
nothing. I'll be all right.
Sure, you'll be all right.
Dad's always all right.
Doesn't need
anyone's help or love.
Oh, Sally, please, come on.
You could've been
killed, Dad. Come on.
You're overdramatizing. It
was an accident. That's all.
An accident? Yeah.
What, you think I don't
know about the war, Dad?
Or should I say
"Senior Soldier"?
Oh... That.
What were you two thinking?
Don't blame the
kid, Sally. Please.
It's all on me. I'm
the grown-up here,
and I should know better.
Yeah, you should've.
I'm sorry. I just... It
got out of hand, and...
I have the money
to pay for everything.
And I'll take my crew, and we'll
fix everything the way it was.
It's not about the house
or the money, Dad.
If you hated living with us so
much, you just should've said it.
I never said I hated
living with you.
Exactly. I just said
you never said it.
What I'm saying,
I never said that
We clear that up, hopefully?
No. Forget about
what you never said.
The-the point
is, I just thought,
when you came home with
us, you'd realize that we love you
and you'd change your
mind about living alone.
But, of course,
that didn't happen.
You're so hell-bent on...
Funning it up.
Are you okay, Grandpa?
Yeah. Grandpa's fine.
Listen, sweetheart,
I'm really sorry
about what happened
at your birthday party.
It's okay.
I brought you something
to make you feel better.
That's very nice, but I
gave that to you, remember?
Don't you want it?
I think you need it more.
We can call it a loan.
That's very adult
of you, sweetheart.
You'll be able to
take him home soon.
The doctor just needs
to review the X-rays.
We'll be in the waiting room.
Can I go see him now?
No. It'll be a long time
before we leave the two of
you alone together again, ever.
Is he gonna be okay?
He'll be fine. You and
Mia, on the other hand,
that's a different story.
You're both chor-rounded
for the next six months.
Chor-rounded? What
does that even mean?
Chores plus grounded,
times six months.
What? Yeah.
So, that's a whole lot of both,
isn't it? SALLY: Mmm-hmm.
But I didn't even do half
of the stuff that Peter did.
This is so not fair.
Can I be chor-rounded, too?
SALLY: No, sweetie, you
don't have to be chor-rounded.
Russell.
Don't you move a muscle. Wait.
Wait, Mom! Come on! Russell!
Dad, can you think
rationally about...
Russell! She said not to move.
Russell! Get away from me!
Get back here, you coward!
Punk!
Okay, that's it. Mom
is certifiably insane.
I'm going out there.
Whoa, whoa. Hold on.
I know your mother.
She can handle this.
(YELLING)
(CHUCKLES ADMIRINGLY)
You're not gonna slug
me, are you, Mrs. Decker?
No.
What's happening right now?
What's happening right now is
I'm not gonna lose two
years of my daughter, Russell.
Come on, take it
before I change my mind.
Come by the house tomorrow.
Really? Yep.
And bring some work clothes.
I've got this giant hole in
the second floor, needs fixing.
Okay.
How'd that go?
Thanks a lot, Mom.
I didn't hurt him.
Mmm-hmm.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Let's go get Grandpa
and go home.
Excuse me. Can you check on
Mr. Marino, see if he's ready to go?
Oh, he left already.
I thought you all left.
He said his brother
was picking him up.
Brother? Yeah.
Chuck?
Chuck.
Who's Chuck?
Dad? Ed?
Grandpa! Grandpa!
MIA: Grandpa? PETER: Grandpa!
ARTHUR: Ed? SALLY: Dad?
MIA: Grandpa!
SALLY: Dad? Mom!
I just got off the phone with
Jerry. He hasn't seen him.
I shouldn't have
laid into him so hard.
It's Peter's fault. He
made Grandpa run away.
Yeah, Peter, but at least
you got your room back.
Happy now?
Peter, you still with us?
I think I know
where Grandpa went.
I like the fireplace a lot.
They don't make
'em like this anymore.
Thanks.
You know, there are
secrets inside these walls.
Oh. Hmm. Hmm.
Wait.
I started this.
I'd like to be
the one to end it.
Hi, Chuck.
Grandpa.
Peter. Um... What's going on?
You moved out of your
room. It's your room, kiddo.
It always was.
I decided... I want
you to have it.
I don't want you
to leave, Grandpa.
Peter, I think we both know the
room will always be between us.
No, it won't. Besides,
I love the attic.
I don't know why I got mad about
that old, smelly room in the first place.
Honest.
So you've got to come back.
(SIGHS)
It's not that easy, kiddo.
PETER: I'll do anything.
I'll get back every
marble for you. I swear.
Oh... Pete.
Grandpa, please.
I feel so ashamed
of how I acted.
I just want to curl
up in a ball and die.
It's all my fault.
No. Don't you believe that for
one second. It's both our faults.
You were just defending
what was yours.
Maybe this is how wars get
started and just go on and on.
Your enemy does something bad to you,
so you do something worse back to him.
And he gets you back,
and you get him back.
And the whole thing just
gets worse and worse.
And in the end, somebody
just drops a bomb.
Isn't that how it happens?
That's how it happens.
I don't ever want to go to war.
I'm very glad to hear you say that,
and I hope to God you never have to.
Can I tell you
something, though?
I kind of enjoyed matching
wits with a fellow crazy man.
Really? Yeah.
It helped me get over my
sadness for your grandmother.
Plus, you got me pretty
good a couple times.
Not as good as you got me.
Yeah.
Please come home, Grandpa.
Come here.
MAN: All righty, Mr. Decker,
if you'll sign right there.
You know, I was gonna
cut this tree down myself.
But my wife, with the
whole chain saw thing.
You know, I can use a
chain saw any time I want.
Yeah. I believe that, man.
Here, if you need anything else,
just give me a call
at the office, all right?
Yeah. I mean, I can
use it any time I want.
Yeah. Have some
dignity. It's just a chain saw.
Why? Did she say something?
Hey, Grandpa. I'm
ready to go fishing.
Oh, Petey, I guess I forgot to tell
you, I can't take you fishing today.
Why? It's Saturday. We
always go fishing. It's our thing.
I know. We do, kiddo,
and I wish I could,
but I made other plans,
but we'll make up for it.
Like what?
Little matinee, maybe
hit that new gelato place.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
See? That's for me. Got to go.
We'll make up for it.
Is everything all
right? Yeah, just Peter.
We should go.
(SINGING)
Grandpa! Grandpa!
Hi, Grandpa.
(SINGING) Uh, huh, oh, oh, oh
War What is it really good for
See?
Show me the point of war
So many lives were
torn apart Because of war
It doesn't make sense to me
It doesn't make sense to War
It doesn't make sense to me
It doesn't make sense at all
Life in this world
could be So beautiful
If it wasn't for some
people Acting miserable
Too many of these countries
Look at that.
Are political
And we're stuck in the middle
Stuck in the middle Oh
We just need to let go
All these wars leave a mess
Everyone's under stress
Living life with regrets
Too much? MAN: We're good!
(GROANS)
Oh!
And the pain tears us down
(ALL CHEERING)
War What is it really good for?
Show me the point of war
So many lives were
torn apart Because of war
Doesn't make sense to me
Doesn't make sense to War
Another one.
Doesn't make sense to me
I just saw your...
I like it. Get the blood flow.
So uncomfortable...
My...
Russell. Russell! Russell.
I didn't know that made the cut.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Got something in my throat.
All these wars leave a mess...
(VOCALIZING)
What, did he move?
Golly, he's still alive.
Tune in to the
next episode of...
(SNEEZING)
Let me do that again.
Hey. How can I help you?
How can I doobie-do ya?
How can I help you out?
Doobie, doobie, doobie. Yeah!
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, come on.
Crawling on my back.
And you actually
ride that thing?
Hells yes. Fun.
F-U-N-N.
MAN: Last time, again.
What the hell is that?
I didn't know you were a
Marine. I wasn't. I'm just saying.
Get him in there.
Come on. I don't
even know you guys.
Doesn't make sense at all
MAN: All right.
We got it. I think we're good.
(ALL CHEERING)
I work for some
soul-sucking corporate firm
that has no interest in
the cares or worries of its...
MAN 1: Cutting.
MAN 2: Good.
(LAUGHTER)
Good talk.