The Wedding Party (2016) Movie Script

Dearly beloved.
We're gathered here
today to celebrate
the holy union of
Paul and Margene.
In first Corinthians
it's written...
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
and it ain't proud.
It don't dishonor, yo.
And it never looks for itself.
Love doesn't have
anger problems,
and it forgets the bad stuff.
Love is rad, love never fails.
So yo, what's being
said here in the first
shout out to the Corinthians,
is that love is perfect.
And now, Paul and Margene
will declare their love
for each other.
So please, face one another.
Margene, do you take Paul
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do.
And Paul, do you take Margene
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
By the power vested in me
by the state of
Oklahoma, and Jesus...
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm presenting
for the first time
as a married couple...
Mr. and Mrs. Paul
Harrison, give it up!
We did it!
I know!
You look a little shell shocked.
Well, I don't know
if you know this
but I just got married.
I know, and it was perfect.
And tonight, everything's
gonna be perfect.
You'll see.
How hard did you
try to get it off?
You don't understand,
she's gonna kill you
when she finds out,
it's unforgivable!
Whoa, lady!
Chill out, all right?
At least I didn't lose a cake.
It's not lost, it's
just not here yet!
Man, why has it been so long
since we have caught up?
I don't know, it's
probably my fault.
No, no, it is Facebook's fault.
Because instead of
keeping me informed,
it's just curating posts
for my transphobic aunt.
Yeah, when it's not
selling our identities
to corporations.
In any case, we should catch up.
Well tell me, how's your
life, what's going on?
I mean, a lot, i...
oh, doinked ya!
I saw so much talent
walking down the aisle.
We are gonna do
some damage tonight.
Okay, so we have
to get going because
you know our language...
oh yeah, must make
the trains on time.
Remember that, Jim?
Still funny!
Still Jewish!
Skyler has clearly
changed a ton.
Yeah, it's like being
back in high school.
Ow, I can't walk
that fast in these shoes!
Wait, who are they again?
College friends.
Oh yeah, new people, I'm good.
No thanks.
Oh, I feel like we
should get in there.
Yeah, just get ready for a lot
of hopping and giggling.
Game face?
This is it.
That's terrible, that
will convince no one.
There we go.
All right, let's do this.
So much happier.
And he's the one telling
everyone what to do,
and saying that
I'm in hysterics.
Some one needs to slap her,
I would, but I'm a man.
Oh, that's really...
Bethanie, will you slap her?
Okay, now yous are
telling me different things,
what do you want me to do?
Do not slap her!
What the hell's going on?
Greta's freaked out because
the cake's not here yet.
I taste tested over 350 cakes
to find this one, that
is like 18,000 calories.
Also, I have no wedding ring.
And I can't use my pockets
cause there's holes in them.
Magic tricks.
Right, right.
And because of
Colton's magic tricks
we had to spend forever
trying to pry it off,
which means we have half the
time to finish our reception
and get out of here in time
to make our flight
to Hawaii tonight.
This is one of Greta's
more appropriate freakouts,
I'm just saying.
Hey Paul, why
can't you just miss the flight
because I can't, I can't,
and I won't, I won't,
we won't lose this break.
They won't, this is their
special night, Skyler!
Okay, somebody
please get something
to calm Greta down, please.
Oh, I have Xanax!
Oh god.
I mean, I have Xanax
guys, stop looking at me.
We can't lose Greta,
she's running the
entire reception.
I know, but she's
a friend not a...
I told you, professional
wedding planners
don't usually have
nervous breakdowns.
Greta's usually
a big anal machine
I never thought we'd break her.
Look, if we need
to leave tomorrow
my dad can just...
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I got the tickets, I wanna
do this, we're gonna do this.
Greta's gonna lock
this down, okay?
We will make this right, okay?
Hey, Paul.
Small problem.
She took them all.
Hey Greta, how many
pills were in here?
This situation is
infinitely more complex
than you realize and I
get more stressed out...
how many?
I don't know, like
seven or eight...
So Greta's out.
Hi, yeah.
Yes, yes, great idea, and
condense it down to one hour.
No, no, no, no, why
are you picking me?
Because you were
next in line, honey.
Margene, I don't know
shit about weddings.
And it's Greta,
she will be fine,
she'll snap out of it.
Hey Greta, do you
wanna tell them...
everything is ruined,
and I'm gonna die!
Oh fuck me, okay!
You know what, I'd
love to, I'd love to!
Grab her instruction
manual and get started.
Manual, what?
Yeah, it's pretty expensive.
Thanks for talking to me before.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I hate asking these things but,
I need you for one more thing.
What's up?
Since you're
great with planning,
and you picked out
great tuxes by the way.
Can you help Alex out?
Why don't you ask your best Mn?
Get it off.
I can't get it off.
Pull harder.
Yeah, I just feel like
you'd be a lot more effective.
Look I cannot miss
this flight, okay?
The honeymoon she
deserves, and...
You know, the wedding night
that she has longed for.
I don't know.
- I didn't tell you?
- No.
She's gonna put on
white cotton panties,
go really slow Paul,
oh my god, oh my god,
I'm a real woman.
It's gonna be awesome.
Unless I miss the flight.
Look, I...
I just...
Come on.
Wedding stuff
right now, you know?
I totally forgot, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Oh call animal control,
I see a dog pack forming.
Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba!
We ready to get some of that
prima nocta pussy tonight!
Yeah, I think I am.
I don't think so.
I don't think so, come on Jim,
don't leave me hangin'!
I already got my eyes
on this hot little
11th grade girl, Katie Samuels.
From our 11th grade?
What did I say?
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Katie Samuels,
11th grade French.
Think she'd go for me?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Is it my hair?
No, no, no, your
hair looks great,
yeah, cause I have a very
consistent barber, Jim.
Hey ya'll, so...
Eyes up here.
So you're probably
wondering what is Alex doing
holding my reception
procedure manual...
We lost our fearless leader.
I have decided to
share my duties
with my deputy
bridesmaid asslicks.
Okay, yeah, enjoy that trip.
Listen up people,
we have an hour to
get all of this shit done,
so please just do what
I say when I say it
or I'll kick your ass.
Secondly, big smiles everyone
because it's time for
the grand entrance, yeah!
Let's see it!
Fine, okay, first up we
have Quentin and Lisa
followed by Skyler and Bethanie,
Jim and myself, then Colt.
Yeah, hey.
Am I flying solo
now or do I have to
bring this bird?
That is all yours.
Then the lovely bride
and groom, we got this.
Let's do this, people.
All right.
Ladies first.
Don't tell me
what to do, Quentin.
Hey, Lisa.
Oh no I see, if she
tells you, then you know.
Can you just smile?
Just smile.
God, I hate you.
Look at this.
Are you kidding me?
First reception as a
groomsman, it is awful.
Gosh, I've been to
a million of these
and they are all the same.
Just a bunch of people
asking you questions,
and I don't know
why they ask you,
it's none of their business.
And then the cake comes out
and I want a second piece
is it the right thing to
do to have another piece?
I don't know, it just makes me...
no, no, I know, I know, I know,
you hate these things,
but this one's
gonna be different,
you know, we're together.
You can be my wingman.
Skyler and Bethanie!
I just can't believe
they actually got married.
I know, it's crazy.
No, no, like really
married, with a ring
and a cake and a house.
Actually they
have none of things.
Okay true, but they have that
and now, Jim and Alex.
Things have just changed a lot.
Not all things.
I said Jim and Alex!
There we go.
Hey, let's stick
together tonight.
- Awesome.
- Absolutely.
Oh shit, be right back.
And now, the best man, Colton.
And the maid of honor, Greta.
Come on, Colt and Greta,
yeah, there we go, nice!
And now, I proudly present
our bride and groom.
Paul and Margene, yeah!
Nope, fuck it.
Hello everyone...
Hi, sorry.
It is time for the buffet,
so if you can just line up
in an orderly fashion please.
Thank you.
That was good.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Okay wait, don't
shut up, I'm lying.
Can you please continue
to tell me about this
la life of yours?
You are editing movies?
Yeah, well more
like corporate videos,
the occasional web
series, but yeah.
That's great, and
I heard that you were
dating somebody?
Absolutely, I actually
proposed like two weeks ago.
Jim, that's amazing.
Oh no, she said no
so I'm single again.
Best thing about
getting married?
Seriously, we just
skip the whole line?
Things are turning around.
Hey, aunt Sylvia,
I want you to meet
my new wife, Margene.
We were hoping
to speak with you.
We're just starving, maybe
once we sit down to eat.
Do you know the ceremony started
an hour and five minutes late?
So I had gout last year.
Oh, wow.
Hey Colton, can I
please get some food?
Yeah, workin on that bro.
How do you plan on
eating all of that salami?
With my mouth.
Well, that Rapunzel.
I don't think we
got a chance to meet
at the rehearsal.
I'm Skyler.
Probably heard that
name tossed around.
You're Margene's
friend, from college.
Yeah, Lisa.
Don't believe anything she says.
Not even her name?
Sorry, you guys know each other?
Yeah, we used to date.
That's cool, you guys are...
Still friends and
doing that and...
Well you still talk,
that's something.
We actually haven't spoken since
we broke up three months ago.
Okay, I'm gonna let
you guys catch up...
oh, three months, wow.
I guess time only flies
when you're having fun.
To make a long
story short, you know,
she shows up at the Meadow,
both our families are there,
my grandmother
wheels herself out,
looks up at the sky and is like
"oh my god, what
the hell is that?"
I come down in a parachute,
I rip off my gear,
and I'm wearing a tux.
Thanks, this tux, actually.
Anyway, she moved
out the next day,
said I was moving too fast.
Now she is Facebook
official with some guy
named Weston Hancock.
God, I hate Facebook.
That was also the last
time I ever saw my memaw.
You and Timmy have
been going out, hm?
I'm sure he'd like to know.
No need to do that, okay.
Really don't care.
Okay, fine, four months.
Four months?
But that doesn't make
mathematical sense...
more perfect than you, yeah.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Your little porn addiction?
No, it's erotic cinema,
and I'm an aficionado.
It's erotica, what?
Dude, let's go,
what's the hold up?
The chicken's not out yet,
and I don't do well with fish,
and it's a weird
color, and if I can't...
this girl's talking a lot!
Hey, hey, Bethanie,
what's going up there?
Hey, I'm waiting
for the chicken.
Just get the fish,
it's healthier.
It's healthier.
- It's good for you.
- Shit's good for you.
Please, would you get the
fish for me, Bethanie, come on.
Okay, okay, fine,
I'll get the fish.
Fish, yeah!
Thank you.
Hold on, one more slice.
Pollo, no you missed out, Pollo.
Excuse me, is that chicken?
There we go.
Hey, you got the fish.
I got the fish.
I love fish.
I don't know how you do it.
Thank you.
Damn Jim, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, thanks.
No, no, it really sucks.
It's like you think your life
is going in one direction
and then all of a sudden...
I'm just gonna say it,
your ex-girlfriend,
she's a cunt, she is.
Did you just use the c word?
Ms. Sylvia, hi!
I did, yeah, you know,
it's actually a term
of endearment now
that us young people use.
Yeah, we reclaimed
it so it's super hip.
And let me tell you,
you look great tonight
you cunt, so great.
I also broke up with
my boyfriend recently.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, he was a liar and
I couldn't trust him
and we shouldn't
focus on those people.
We should focus
on this reception,
so do you wanna maybe help
me with all this tonight?
I should probably work
on my toast, so...
You wrote a toast?
Yes I did.
Oh, okay.
Well, I can't wait to
here it cause it'll
probably be pretty perfect, so.
Colt, I am
famished, where's my food?
Oh, too late baby bro.
Hey, garcon.
Hi, do you think I could
get like a dinner plate
with some food?
It's buffet style, man.
Seriously man, I'm the
groom, I just got married.
That's your problem.
Got an imaginary friend?
Hey, no, sorry, just
going over my speech.
I totally forgot to tell you.
I'm so sorry...
We decided to only
go with speeches from
the best man and maid
of honor to save time.
You know what?
If you have something
you want to say,
no, no, no, it's not a big
deal, I get it, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
What are you doing, Colt?
Uh, making wine out of...
I mean wine out of water.
Okay, you're just like
pouring your wine into your...
it's the last supper Jim, look.
Yeah, I get it.
Well it took you a long time.
Hey, what do you
have for a speech?
Oh, yeah, speech.
I don't know, probably wing it.
That's what I'm good
at, tell a few stories
about how Paulito and I
used to get schwasted.
Just try this on for size.
Thanks, apostle Jim.
Lifetime of that.
Where is the food?
Oh, okay.
Speeches, hey, Greta.
It's time for speeches.
Maybe eat something first?
Am I gonna eat something first?
Yeah, nevermind.
Margene is one of
my oldest friends.
She's very, very old.
At William Jennings Bryant high
we were in every club together.
Yearbook, right.
Drug free youth.
But it wasn't until we got to ou
that her and with...
Mr. Paul.
I love Margene so much.
And Paul.
I never wanna feel...
So much love.
As they come together we
gotta be there, right?
To Maul and Pargene!
I guess we are not all cut
out for the stage now, are we?
When my little half bro
asked me to be his best man,
I was like "hell no!"
Ya mama rides a motorbike!
And then you know, we'd hang
out a lot and then we'd...
It goes a little
something like this.
I always knew a day would come
when Paul and I
would have to move on
from being such close friends.
And today as he's
married, it's clear his
world's changed forever
as he moves on to married life.
Here's a confession.
I always secretly wanted to
hate Paul's wife, future wife.
How dare she take
away my best friend!
But when Paul and
Margene began dating
senior year of high school,
I knew if there was a
woman perfect enough
to be Paul's new best
friend, it was Margene.
And on this...
And on this...
Au what?
Fuck you.
And on this auspicious day,
we raise our glasses
high to Paul and Margene,
to best friends everyone.
Guys, best friends!
Don't take it for
granted, you don't know
how long you have them for.
Thank you, love you bro.
Yeah, love you too.
And thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
If I could just have
everyone's attention.
Calm it down people.
My very, very good friend Jim
has some words for
us this evening.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
So without further adeu...
Dude, I don't wanna do it.
Jim, Jim, Jim.
- Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
- Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
He's a wordsmith
Wow, that's gonna be
a hard one to follow.
You know...
Paul and I, we've
known each other for...
I don't know, since
middle school and...
I remember the first
time we got schwasted.
Best friend memories, yes Jim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I too used to
get schwasted with Margene,
in her parents basement.
Okay, little secret.
Mike's hard lemonade
and this girl?
Pro, sucks them
down, she's amazing.
And you know, we
bring this up as a...
As a...
A Segway to inform you that...
Although the bar is an open bar,
we should really
still tip the staff.
Yes, and you know
if you get a beer...
You don't have to.
But if you get a mixed
drink, it's just what's done.
Super polite.
On that note, to
everlasting love!
love, yeah great, bye.
Thank you.
That sucked.
Why would you say that?
Thank you.
Hi guys, time to dance.
Oh no.
No, no, you have 70 minutes,
you wanna get out of here,
you gotta do the romantic shit.
Okay, okay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You look beautiful.
Got everything.
I have it for you right here.
Yep, I'm fine.
I got it.
How about a spin, huh?
I could take a spin.
You all right?
I'm great.
The speeches were
a little weird.
We're still running late.
I'm just worried
about the flight.
Paul, we're married.
I know.
Everything's great.
Everything's perfect.
And now for the
father daughter dance.
We just...
Thank you for all this.
And for talking earlier,
and being so understanding.
Without mom, I'm lucky
I have you to listen.
And I know it freaked you out.
Plus there's Paul's
job and everything.
Everything's turning
out just right.
And everyone, dance floor!
Let's get on it, yeah!
What did you eat?
Nothing yet.
Oh, I'm hungry.
Steady, steady.
Oh, great speech by the way.
My oration on getting schwasted.
Thanks, I actually wrote
it a couple weeks ago.
You know, thanks.
I have officially
thrown Greta's schedule
out the window and
let's see, I now have...
Oh, 68 minutes to
finish all of this.
When's the cake?
Uh, when it gets here finally?
Wrong, no, no, no.
Most people wait for
the cake to leave,
and you don't early exits.
I know this, cause I've
been planning my wedding
since I was a little...
Since you were
just a little baby.
Okay, all right, very funny.
You now have...
67 minutes, you're
just wasting time.
Thank you for that, mhm.
You need me.
I'm in.
Do not fuck with me.
I'll take it back.
- No, you said it, you're in.
- All right, let's do this.
Oh thank you so much for coming.
Yeah, you enjoying yourself?
You know, we was
outside with the bugs
for over an hour waiting
for the service to start.
Ow, well.
We thank you and everyone
for your Patience.
I got walking pneumonia ya'll,
I'm here sick as a dog.
Oh, oh, should
you be out of bed?
It's walking pneumonia.
Let me see this wedding ring.
Oh, well that's
a very funny story,
and it all starts with a
very stupid man named Colton.
Colt hired this
band and when he did
he just kept screaming
"it's gonna be 1998
all over again!"
Poor guy, he's just, he's
nostalgic for nostalgia.
Hey, I agree with him.
I like swing.
We did that kick ass routine.
In show choir, the
swing one, you remember?
Uh huh.
Oh wait, are we
pretending like you didn't
do show choir for four
years of your life?
Uh huh.
Okay, great, so then...
Moving on to the binder there.
All right, let's see.
In case of male
shirt disaster...
I.E. Wine spilling or colored
armpit stain, et cetera,
contingency tuxedo shirt
taped underneath the dance...
No, she did not.
Okay that's crazy, it's under...
It's under there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She taped it?
Tampons are taped
underneath table seven.
Note the following bridesmaids
are on their period.
Oh my, ew, no, Greta!
Greta, Greta this is...
This is my 8th
wedding this summer.
Do you know the financial
and psychological toll
that eight bridesmaids
dresses has on a person?
And Greta, it's got me
thinking about settling down.
About settling, you know?
I want Skyler.
I know.
And you are...
His best friend?
I know.
And only delusional
people think their
best friend's gonna fall
madly in love with them.
I mean...
But maybe my best friend will
fall madly in love with me.
Oh, honey.
Don't swallow your tongue.
That man wore a no fear, no
fear like half sleeve t-shirt
to my wedding.
Your family's crazy.
Wait, my family?
Uh huh.
I thought he's with your side.
Ah, it's gonna take forever
to greet all these people.
But we have to.
Yeah, we do.
Or else we face a lifetime
of guilt from everybody.
Including, and
especially your father.
You know what, we gotta
get out of here on time
so we can make our flight.
So that we can consummate
our love together.
I am both excited and anxious
at the thought of being
physically intimate.
Then I got a plan for us.
Ready for it?
You go take your side,
I will take mine,
we meet back in one hour,
and off to our honeymoon.
Great idea.
You know, like only
if you're into it.
No, if that's what we need to do
to make tonight perfect, then...
That's what we'll do.
Now break.
Pull my finger.
Pull my finger.
No I really needed you
to pull my finger, but...
Out of rolls.
Yo, homeslice!
You got any butter?
It's buffet style man!
I can't get everything!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
You should cut it off.
Aw dude, tried man.
The ring's too thick.
Not the ring, the finger.
I once chopped a finger
clean off, making cannoli.
Blood gushing all over
the caramel and shit,
fucking disgusting.
And then, I just took that
sucka to the hospital...
Gave it to the docs,
and they just
re-attached it later.
What kind of knife did you use?
Colt, don't chop
your finger off.
And do not use butter,
olive oil is way better.
Olive oil.
So nice of you to
finally join us,
I mean, this cake was only
supposed to be here oh,
this afternoon.
I have a really good
excuse, all right?
I forgot the wedding was tonight
and I had to pull
an all nighter.
So you're just
a professional Baker
and you forgot you
had a job today?
So glad that Greta's doped out
and did not hear that.
Is that the girl
that ate 900 dollars
worth of samples?
There's been a mistake.
Yeah, hiring
this guy as their Baker.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is the wrong cake.
No, first of all, our cake's
supposed to be red velvet,
and secondly...
This has a black couple on top.
So our bride and
groom is white people.
Here I thought we live
in a post racial society.
No, no, no, no, no, we
will keep the cake because
thanks to you we don't
have any other choice,
and you know I'm sure
it's still delicious,
and it costs them...
Holy shit man.
That's robbery.
Robbery, that's crazy.
Cake is art.
Look, this isn't a racial thing,
we just want a
white cake topper.
I only brought will and Jada.
Of course you did.
Okay, we will improvise,
we'll find some
wite-out and we will
make them Caucasian, yeah.
You want white face?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, you were saying you
teach hot yoga or something?
I also mentioned
that I'm in engineering
management and information
sciences consulting,
but yes I teach hot
yoga on Saturdays.
Do you think you'll
stay in Tulsa long or...
Uh no, I feel like a
big city's kind of always
called my name.
Big city, la is a big city.
London has shitty
food, Chicago...
Chicago's actually
awesome but...
I'm in la.
Okay, well consider
it considered then.
All right.
Could we see what's
next because I just wanna
go to the bar.
Ooh, cancel a flash mob, yes.
Hey Bethanie.
What you girls up to, huh?
Running from boys?
Oh no, pastor Kyle.
We are here to
celebrate the holy union
of two pious Christians,
so, here we go.
And Greta, huh?
Well she's stoned, excuse me.
On Jesus I hope.
All right, here we go.
Stand up straight, Greta.
Look, it's really
not that complicated.
We all go out on
the dance floor,
perform the routine that I
sent you on YouTube, yeah,
and we wear these masks.
That is terrifying.
Yeah, no, Sean, I
don't think that anyone
is gonna actually do
any of that, yeah.
Okay, so you're gonna
force me to do like
a one man flash
mob, what do you...
At that point I think
it's just called a flash.
Oh, flash.
All right, took that
easy, all right what's next?
Let's see, next we
are going to make sure
that the alcohol
inventory is stocked
and then smell check the staff.
That's exactly what
I got from that, so.
Hey, just honing in on Katie
Samuels, 11th grade French.
How's my breath?
Not ready yet, okay.
That poor, poor girl, okay.
Serious question about Skyler.
About his hair?
So that is his hair?
Yeah it's his hair.
He bought it online and
glued it to his head,
it's his hair.
Shut up.
No, you're not serious.
I mean I've never got
100 percent confirmation,
yet I am 100 percent sure.
So wait, wait, wait,
how does it work when he's
trying to take a girl home?
Does he tell her
on the date or like
they get in the
bedroom and he's like
"surprise, look, I'm bald,
look at my head, hey."
It's like he lives in
the golden age of bald men.
Total social acceptance
to buzz your head.
Willis, Statham,
fucking Matt Lauer.
Head buzzing pioneer.
He looks amazing.
He looks great.
I would go on a date with him...
I'm ready nerds, out of my way.
Katie Samuels?
11th grade French, gotcha.
Skyler, right?
Yeah, you...
You look...
Thank you.
Wow, I mean...
That's great, but
you, I mean you...
Look absolutely stunning.
- Oh thank you.
- Katie.
Pastor Kyle.
Sorry about missing Bible
study the other night,
it's just that I had this...
hot date?
Come on.
Yeah, come on.
So um...
Yeah, I'm super thirsty.
So I'm gonna hop up and
just go get myself a...
Can I...
Soda water would be like,
exactly what I want.
Can I please, thank you.
Yeah, you guys just
go and have a good...
What the fuck, Kyle?
You just cockblocked me man.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
It's pastor Kyle now.
That's some language
you're using there man,
what's going on?
What's going on?
What the fuck is going
on with you, Kyle?
All right, I once saw you, yeah,
at a frat party in a hot
tub with your whole...
I guess I can't even
repeat it, can I?
No need.
I was actually with
Katie Samuels, so.
I'm praying for you man!
Save it!
What's going on?
I don't know why, but...
I was just thinking about...
I was just thinking about
when you left for college.
You know, at the time I figured
our friendship would be over,
fall outta touch, whatever.
But then...
But then when you were
getting in your car to leave,
you remember what you said?
You said "I'll see
you in a few weeks."
Yeah, that was technically true.
No, yeah, but then at
the end of fall break
you said the same thing again.
"See you in a few weeks."
The holidays came,
and spring break.
You keep saying the same thing,
"see you in a few weeks",
the time between would get
longer and longer in between,
but you just always would
say "see you in a few weeks."
It's got me thinking...
Now that I'm settled
here, you're out there...
We probably won't see each
other much at all anymore.
Come on, things
aren't gonna change.
I already have, man.
You know, I think
we're pretty lucky.
Colt got that ring stuck on
his big stubby finger, right?
Seriously, if you
hadn't talked to me...
I was gonna bolt.
Dude, it was just cold feet.
No, it was more than that.
It was me thinking about like...
All the marriages I
know that have failed.
Your parents are in
functional marriages.
Not to each other.
Plus, on top of that...
Margene's dad paid
for everything here.
I can't afford to give
her a perfect wedding,
I could barely afford
the plane tickets
for the honeymoon.
Now with the merger, I
don't even know if my job...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
The same reason you
wouldn't of left.
You know how lucky you are, man.
Look, all you have to do
is make Margene happy.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to interrupt I just...
I have your beer.
Perfect timing.
I actually just saw
some second cousins
from Lawton over there that...
I should go bond with.
Okay, so let me guess.
He was bugging you as to when
you plan on settling down
because Margene asks me
like literally every day.
Why are they always
trying to get single people
to get married?
It's like do you just
wanna drink the booze
at my wedding as payback or...
You know, the more
I think about it...
I feel like married people
were actually recruited
themselves into getting married
and then they settle down,
they realize it's super boring,
and it doesn't
actually work unless
they have other married
friends around to watch like
homeland and shit with.
Marriage is...
Marriage is a pyramid
scheme, it is.
Oh my god, I fucking hate you!
Sorry, she's got Tourette's.
Sexually contracted Tourette's.
You arrogant, neurotic, self
centered, immature, homophobic.
No, no, no, not true,
I'm not afraid of them.
Needy, childish, jealous...
Which is warranted
because you're a skank!
A misogynist!
I am not.
You laughed at
me when I told you
I was sexually harassed at work.
You said it in a funny voice.
You know what, Quentin?
I think the worse
thing about all of this
is that you're
obviously not over me.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm over you.
Yeah, I'm so over
you I wouldn't fuck you
with your 10 foot dick.
Okay well, at least one
of those has one of those,
fuck you Quentin!
Oh, I thought this was over.
It wasn't over.
It still isn't over.
I think actually the animal that
I identify with the most...
Is the wolf.
Because it's half wild
animal, part domesticated dog.
Cause a part of me like...
Tries to hunt.
The other part of me is loyal,
likes my tummy scratched.
Oh, are you a lone wolf?
Hungry like the wolf.
And you are adorable.
But I am married.
Look at that.
Ring on the finger
usually means married.
Yeah, I guess unless
you're Margene, right?
Oh, no, not like she's
loose or anything...
Just saying because the ring...
Nevermind, nevermind,
just forget I said that,
and forget, I'm
sorry, you're married.
Well you give up awfully easily.
I didn't say no.
I said I'm married.
Thought you were a bad boy.
I am, it's just...
You're married, so.
Yeah, well, suit yourself.
But Fyi, my pussy
tastes real good.
And my husband and I have
a certain arrangement.
I mean, if you're interested.
Wow, okay, yeah let me...
Let me just use the little
boy's room for a second,
and when I get back,
we'll have an answer.
I'll be here.
I'll just go this
way, it's easier.
That's fine.
Oh shit I'm sorry,
I didn't know anyone
else was in here.
The more the merrier.
I just need a place to think
for a second.
You know, actually,
I would appreciate
the advice of a total stranger.
You see...
This married woman just told me
what her vagina tastes like.
How would she know what
her vagina tastes like?
I'm just wondering like
you know, do I go for it?
That's taboo, like
how often do these...
stop, look.
I'm you, from the future.
No, I was just like you,
I was always chasing tail...
And then one day,
my hair fell out.
Yeah, your standards have
dropped, the screwing...
Won't sedate the the loneliness.
You'll end up bald
with a prostate
the size of a mandarin orange,
and the only sexual
adventure you'll have
is when your wife
brings a young man home.
I don't know.
Go for it!
Oh, this woman...
Is she a redhead
in a purple dress?
You'll do just fine.
I will do just fine.
Oh shit.
Damn it.
Watch it, dumb broad!
Hey, sorry.
Wow, I was just about to
head to the dance floor,
you wanna join me?
You know what?
It wasn't as cool as
I thought it would be.
Oh right.
Come here.
But yeah, later, you know,
show those jokers how it's done.
Oh, oh, you mean some of this?
A little lesson in
that, you remember that?
A little of that, a
little of that 2008.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, bring it back.
And bring it back,
and bring it back.
And then I'll do
this like we used to...
Don't cry Bethanie, don't cry.
You left me without my medicine.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
The millennials for Christ.
Hey, hey, hey!
Have you seen Paul?
I thought that he
would be with you.
We're trying this whole
divide and conquer thing
to save time, you know, so.
Can I ask you something?
Was my wedding perfect, was it?
Oh my gosh, you
look like an angel.
And these dresses that you
picked, they're beautiful,
they're gorgeous, like
you would think that
somebody would actually notice,
that guys would actually
take notice of you, but no.
Just, you look everything...
Everything is perfect.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
Okay, well, I gotta run.
Uncle Pete's not gonna
greet himself, so.
And to me, I find Christianity
is the real social media...
pastor Kyle, thank you.
It was such a
wonderful ceremony.
It was just so...
It was stunning,
thank you, perfect.
I refuse to be a
slave to a trapper keeper,
we are throwing rice.
If a pigeon comes down and
eats it, it will explode.
That can't possibly be true...
it is.
Hello, throwing
rice, it's a tradition.
Oh, I forgot what
a romantic you are.
Do you remember how
you asked me to prom?
Yeah, in a night
tub put on a pony.
Okay, fine.
I will admit it...
High school dances
were kind of the best.
Oh, we would get so dressed up
and then we would dance
to the best songs of 2006.
Oh wait, do you remember...
You don't know me
you don't even care
oh, that was good.
- That was a good song.
- That shit was my jam.
That was a good one.
And then you'd be
on the dance floor
dancing cheek to
cheek with your crush,
and you'd get those shivers
up your spine, so cute.
Yeah, when we weren't grinding
to lil Jon or n'sync.
Oh god, and sweating...
Profusely because the 100...
yeah, we were like
disgusting sweaty teenagers.
So gross.
Hundred of us would
be on that dance floor
just packed in, and
you'd look around
and the guys would be
like grinding away,
just all in the hips.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like ugh, what's up Kyle?
Kyle was one of these.
He was like oh my
god, you're here.
You're here, and
I just gotta go.
I gotta go, I gotta go.
You're just missing
that awkward erection
we all had.
True, true, I am missing that.
We never danced though.
In all the craziness,
I lost you.
Well, I wanted
to dance with you.
When I found you, you were
dancing with Zeb Buckman.
Oh, Zeb.
I didn't have my
pony, so you know,
how was I supposed
to ask you to dance?
You should've just cut in.
Yeah, but...
That guy.
Yeah, football
playing douchebag.
Yeah, Zeb.
No, no, Zeb.
What the f...
Why is he, no one
talks to that...
You have to hide me.
Right now.
- What, why?
- We have to go.
Nope, gimme the binder,
bye, bye, bye, bye,
bye, bye, bye.
Where are we, what
is happening right now?
Do you still talk to this guy?
Hi, how's it going?
Everybody looks
so lovely tonight.
Okay bye, bye.
Take this, take this.
I'm gonna take this.
- What, okay.
- So you take this.
He has no idea who I am,
god, he's coming this way.
Okay, yep.
Buffet, buffet, buffet, buffet.
Gonna just not be okay.
All right, nope, nope, nope.
Is he behind us?
He knows my ass, we have to go.
We have to go, we have
to go, we have to go,
we have to go,
okay bye, bye, bye.
Oh my god, why?
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
Oh my god, I uninvited him.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why is he here?
You were dating Zeb Buckman?
Okay, do not judge me.
It was college
and it's like this
on again off again thing
we just, we've always...
Okay, and now you're...
Off again.
No, he is a lying,
non-committal flirt
who gets way too many
medically necessary massages.
We are on a break.
It's buffet style people,
buffet style, get it yourself!
Nobody respects me, man!
I hear ya, Maximiliano.
I hear ya man.
Blaze on.
Thanks bro.
Everybody thinks
that I'm a fuck up.
Is it getting any looser?
Not at all, man.
I mean yeah, sure, big whoop.
I have screwed up in the past.
You know.
Maybe the old saying is true.
There are no second acts
in American history.
Wait, who said that?
F. Murray Abraham.
Oh yeah.
Dude, I got hopes.
I got dreams.
I haven't told anyone this.
I auditioned for
the band out there.
Dude, it would be like
1998 all over again.
The glory days of swing
before the fucking
gap commercialized it.
Sexy horn, maxi!
You're in the band!
Oh yeah.
Dude, give me a chance,
I'll bring back swing.
Dude, it'll be the
swing revival...
I didn't even get a callback.
Good talk bro.
So, what is he here to like
win you back or something?
I'm not gonna say that it
like hasn't worked before,
but I mean god, haven't
you seen the man?
He just, he looks like a
fucking Ken doll and I can't...
Sorry, that's weird.
It sounds stupid, I know,
I know but it's just...
It's been going
on since college,
and it's always just been super
fucking casual and it's...
Okay, how long into
casual does something like
cease to be casual.
- Hey.
- God!
What's up?
Hey, just hiding, you?
Throw rice or
bubbles during the...
oh, we talking about
the myth that if you give
rice to a bird they'll explode?
Not a myth guys,
that will happen.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna grab a bag of rice
right now, bust this myth.
Hey, can I get a bag of rice?
You okay?
Nope, yeah, I'm good, so good.
We just, you know,
haven't seen each other
since everything so it's...
You wanna like, ignore him?
We can stay in here...
no, no, ignore him?
Please, absolutely not.
I just, am waiting for
the courage to come
so that I can just go out
there and just fuck with him.
And you know what?
You, ooh.
You said that you would
stick by me all night,
so you're gonna help
me fuck with him.
Yep, come on, let's go, uh huh.
Wait, Alex.
No, no, no, not ready.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was never fingered
in high school.
I also never went out on a date.
But for some reason,
this bothers me more.
I was too busy with clubs
and grades for boys,
so I didn't kiss a
boy 'til college,
and by the time a boy
had sex on top of me...
Junior year...
It was too late.
I realized I missed
out on something.
That time when it
was new and exciting.
But no.
No boys wanted to finger me,
let alone do me.
I didn't even have
a date for prom.
The prom I planned.
I wanted to dance, have fun.
To be fingered.
Fingered with love.
God, is that Buckman?
The whores at Orpha's
lounge are gonna freak out.
You're my fuckin' hero, man.
One, two, three!
There it is, all right.
Thanks hombre.
You have a great night, okay?
You too man.
Thanks for coming out.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, no, no, let's go.
He's right there.
Let's go.
He's getting taller
as we get closer.
Zebediah Buckman.
Hey, there you are.
Hi, okay, what's...
Why are you here?
Uh, I'm your plus one.
No, see you were
my plus one but then,
you know, remember,
we went on a break,
so now that actually
makes you my minus one.
Yeah, I was actually hoping
we could talk about that.
Jim, you remember Jim right?
From high school?
Oh, we have just been talking
and catching up all night.
Hey Zeb, how's it going?
Heard you weren't
playing ball anymore,
what's up now, like
coaching little league?
Aw, jokes!
No, actually.
Turns out Mark Hyduke
over at Peakmore,
he's a big sooner fan.
So the Duke's got
me doing the whole
natural gas, land
acquisitions thing.
Now look, I don't
really get it...
But I make a lot of money,
so I won't complain.
I won't, I won't.
I heard you were out in
Hollywood making like...
Movies and shit.
He is.
Yes, yeah I am.
In fact an editor.
We're off to the
language of film.
You know, it's hard work,
it's important work.
It's thankless work.
Mostly I'm at a
computer for hours
just like sifting
through footage
trying to make that perfect
scene in a dark room, alone.
Oh god, this guy, he's
so stinking humble.
You know, he was actually
just voted by Hollywood
as one of the top
creative minds.
Shit's right, who you texting?
She still part of your rotation?
You know what, I
don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit.
We're gonna go dance, bye.
Do you think that
made him miss me?
Yeah, how could it not?
I don't really, I
didn't plan on dancing.
No seriously, I didn't...
I'm just not in the mood to...
No, you planned
this, this is crazy.
Baby, baby, looks
like it's gonna hail
this is crazy.
All right, what do we do?
Oh, ah, turn, yes.
Kick, yes.
Oh wait, I like these.
Remember yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh!
But a man ain't
nothing but a man
yeah a woman ain't a woman
but a man ain't
nothing but a man
one thing about 'em
he knows how to jive and wail
yeah, you got to jump and jive
then you wail
you gotta jump and jive
then you wail
you gotta jump and jive
then you wail
you gotta jump and jive
then you wail
you gotta jump and jive
then you wail, you
wail, you wail, you wail
you wail, you wail,
wail, wail, wail
why do we...
how did that just happen?
That was crazy.
It was terrible.
We just, we can't let it go.
We can't let show
choir go, that's good.
That's amazing.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bar.
Yeah, I'm gonna get
us a beer, you...
you sure you good?
All right, yeah, no, give
me a beer, please, please.
Yeah, I'll be right
back, all right?
Come on little buddy.
Hey Jim, almost
busted that bird myth.
Come on little
buddy, eat the rice.
Eat it, come on.
Hey, can I get two beers
when you have a second?
What the hell just happened?
Go bubbles.
Hey, can I get a...
Do you want anything?
No, I'm good thanks.
Can I just get five
shots of absinthe, neat.
What's got...
I just, I don't know,
thought a part of me was gone,
but it's not.
Oh it's back.
That's so good champ.
That's so good, thank you.
Did the pigeon really just...
for the love of god, bubbles!
Thank you.
For the bird.
Thank you so much, sir.
Two shots of Jager!
Have a shot of Jager
with me, will ya?
I'm good, honestly.
Nah, you'll drink it.
Hey, to cobras and condoms.
Two things I don't fuck with.
I haven't had Jager
since college.
Oh, that's the yeah.
Best part about
getting the Redshirt.
Another year of
college, of football.
Of Jager.
Look at that.
And of Alex.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard you two split up, huh?
No, no.
This is a game we play.
She gets pissed, and
she takes me back.
That's why I bought you a drink.
Oh no, it's open bar actually.
Because I...
I remember you, Jim...
As a nice, harmless show
choir, Billy Elliot dance boy.
And I just don't want you
getting your hopes up.
You know?
I think she actually
moved on, so, sorry.
Yeah, come here.
I'm good.
No, come here.
Alex knows me, okay?
She knows what she's
getting, and she likes it.
She likes it.
She'll always take
me back, you got that?
So I will see you out there!
All right?
I'm fuckin' with you, dude.
I'm fuckin' with you.
What a goober.
What have we got here?
Yo, you won't believe
this hick shit wedding
Alex brought me to.
Your beer.
Bless you child.
Thank you.
Yeah, cheers.
Their first date was prom, too.
Yeah, he asked her
with the marching band.
Hell of a big gesture.
Ugh, and now they are
Mr. and Mrs. Harrison.
I hope she doesn't
change her name on Facebook.
Please, she will.
They all do, like, immediately,
and then I'm going through
my feed and I'm like...
Because nobody has
the same name anymore.
You know, giving away your
last name is just, it's weird.
You're losing a part of yourself
which is completely unnecessary.
Frankly, like marriage itself.
Come on, you don't believe that.
Yeah, I do.
I don't know, maybe, but I
mean look at Tim Robbins,
Susan Sarandon,
never got married.
Yeah, they split
up a few years ago.
No, they...
Shit, I have been using
that example for so long
that I completely forgot.
When did you become a cynic?
I have to be very
logical in my job,
thank you very much.
Hot yoga?
Fuck you.
Fuck you, I'm not cynical okay?
I'm just, I...
I'm cautious.
I like to weigh
the pros and cons
of all aspects of my life
and when it comes to men,
I just need them to
be like sweet mostly,
nice enough, dependable
ish, and you know...
That's enough for me, and I
don't really need much more
and that way I don't
get in too deep
and I never get hurt,
and it's great, I win.
So great.
We should get back
to the binder...
I feel like it's probably
around 40 minutes, so.
Do it.
Yeah, cool, thank you.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, couple words?
Yo, just a few words.
Just a few words.
Yo, can I get a word.
Oh, it's you.
Listen, Daddio.
You were aces in the audition.
Yeah, thanks.
But you lack true star power.
The charisma to get
a clip joint jumpin'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey man.
I've been working on
some groovy new moves.
Come on, give me another chance.
Another chap, another chance.
Even swing music had another
shot at swing revival.
Hey, I find the term
"swing revival" offensive.
It's as if it ever
went anywhere.
Sorry about that, not sorry.
You know what?
Maybe I'll just
start my own band
and I will be at every
wedding destroying it
better than you.
Hey, guess what?
You got the ring off?
Hey, newlyweds!
Hey, Kyle!
Pastor Kyle.
That's as promised,
I will introduce you to
your marriage mentor.
Ned, Ned, come here.
Ned and his wife have the
strongest and dopest relationship
of anyone I know.
He can answer all
your questions, man.
Actually, I just need a
minute alone with Margene.
No, I couldn't help overhearing
you're having some anxieties.
A little, yeah.
I mean I love
Margene, of course...
But it's just such
a big step forward.
Well, it's normal to be nervous
about making love
for the first time.
I'm sorry?
See, the key to
pleasuring your wife
is orgasm via stimulating
both the g spot
and the clitoris.
The clitoris is the
bean shaped knob
at the top of the vagina...
hey uh, Kyle?
Pastor Kyle.
Pastor Kyle?
Do you think we should be
talking about this right here?
Married sex is a godly thing,
it's where Jesus thrives.
Ned, go on.
Pay attention, okay?
Oh, great.
He used to go down on me for
25 or 30 minutes at a time.
You know, about the
length of a night court.
Oh, nice to see you.
But no more.
So, I just wanted
to warn you that
over time the rule
of thumb is generally
the amount of attention your
husband lavishes on you now,
eventually that's just
gonna be cut in half.
You know, it's kind
of a shame but...
What can we do?
If we love them, we just
have to find a workaround
which I've done cause, you know.
I've got a thing for bald guys.
So, tell me about
your friend Skyler?
We get our personal
massagers from Walgreens,
it's very inexpensive.
But don't get the
penis shaped kind,
that's for homosexuals.
Good luck tonight!
You chill.
Finally we're together.
And now time for
the garter toss!
It's what's next, I'm sorry,
I don't know, I don't know.
Let's keep it going.
Let's just...
Oh, hey.
I've just been doing
a lot of thinking.
Tonight, you know,
it's just like...
And hear me out
here, it's like...
I don't know, the whole
weight of everything
is just like hitting me now.
I know, also we've
only been married about...
Looks like I'm
gon' get married now,
I caught the underwear thingy.
Don't you have pneumonia?
Yes you do.
No, must've got me mixed
up with somebody else.
Now come on, let's
get that picture.
What is your last name?
I was saying, we've
only been married an hour
and yet things aren't perfect.
They aren't okay,
they aren't anything.
The future's looking bright.
Hi, ladies, sorry.
I don't know why you
would've gotten it earlier,
but I heard that
the fish went bad,
so we should avoid that tonight.
This is why I never eat fish.
Yeah, okay, great.
You're so lucky
that you're married.
Oh just tell him
you like him already!
Wow look, there's Skyler!
Life, it's fragile.
Hey dude.
How's your night?
Booze is strong, the girls suck.
And inevitably end up
hanging out with you all night.
It's like college all over ago.
Well, I don't mind
hanging out with you.
You're telling me
there's no guys here
that you want to have
had your pipes laid in,
laid to the...
That doesn't even make
sense, and it was confusing...
- I'm drunk.
- And kinda graphic.
And who here would I
lay pipe with anyway?
God no.
You deserve much...
Much better.
All right.
I'll see you around, Bethy.
Kinda got my boob on that one.
Tried pretty hard
to catch that bouquet.
Oh, yeah, I don't
know what that was.
I'm just confident
this is gonna last.
Don't pressure me
into anything, okay?
We'll just keep it cool.
What we'll do.
You know, I think
god had creator's block
you are a walking
fucking stereotype.
Well obviously Satan
didn't have the same
problem with you.
You're creatively evil!
The Elon musk of hatefulness...
oh good one!
The inception of
sluttiness, just layers...
so creative!
And layers of whorish behavior.
You know what, Quentin?
Every single time we get close...
you fuck a dude in prison?
No, he was on trial.
For murder!
For manslaughter!
If we go back in there,
I will hate myself.
Oh please, if we
go back in there
it's because I hate myself.
Get in!
Now, go, go, go.
Faster, faster, faster.
Don't go on this dance floor!
Gonna find a dude to finger me!
What are you doing?
Come with me.
Oh god.
Not feeling so good.
Ugh, god.
I'm sorry, excuse me, hi.
Excuse me, sir...
What, what?
Do you have like tums or bab...
it's buffet style, senorita!
- What?
- I can't get everything!
Why would that be
on the buffet table?
Why are you yelling at me?
Want a salami sensation?
Oh god Colt, get out of my way.
Everybody keeps taking
a hot dump on me.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody keeps
shitting on me too,
and still expects
so much, right?
I don't even have
big dreams, you know?
Just little mini,
miniature size ones
and everyone still
squashes them, you know?
My future, my life.
I'm a fuckin' joke.
I know dude, I know.
I know you know,
everybody knows.
Colt the fuck up,
we get the message.
You know?
But you know...
Shit's gotta change.
Know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you know what?
He's right.
He's right.
I am right!
Yeah, listen to this guy!
Listen to me, people.
We have to unionize!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We have been
persecuted for too long,
today we go on strike!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What about the reception?
Fuck the reception, man.
We're occupying the kitchen,
we are the 99 percent.
Actually, they far
outnumber you out there.
We have been treated
unfairly for too long,
we will be paid equally
at a rate fairly.
Solidarity, my brothers!
Stop it!
What are you doing, maxi?
- You did it!
- No, you did this!
You did it, you're
the man, revolucion!
We're not friends!
Strike, strike, strike, strike!
We're done.
You're the man!
Oh my god.
Damn it!
How'd that happen?
Hey, Greta, where's
Jim, have you seen Jim?
What are you doing,
have you see Jim?
Whoa, hey, you dipping?
You dip, I dip, we dip.
Get low.
You dip, I dip, we dip.
Ah, Jim.
So what do you wanna sing?
I don't know the name
of it but it's like...
You don't know me
you don't really
please stop?
Why do you wanna sing that?
It was just a certain
girl's favorite song from 06
and I'm a big believer
in grand gestures, so.
Sorry, but...
We just play swing,
jazz, big band...
And mid aughties ballets.
So you're in luck.
Thanks man.
Let's get serious for a second.
Does jet fuel get
hot enough to...
excuse us for one...
Hey, what's up buddy?
I'm talking to this
pretty lady right now.
How much you got to drink in the
last like hour and 20 minutes?
Um, I don't know.
Have you checked your pussy?
- Right, okay.
- Roasted.
You notice anything
peculiar about her?
Oh, yeah, Jim...
I checked, first thing.
No ring.
Okay, look again.
Pretty hot.
Look again.
She's fat as shit.
I'm pregnant.
Hey lady...
Can she hear us?
Every word.
So, you're not
seeing anyone then?
All right.
Where was I?
Tower seven.
He's flirting with literally
every single woman here
except for me.
How do I get him
to see me that way?
You're trying too hard.
See, my mother
taught me not to act
like some desperate
schoolyard floozy.
Am I a floozy?
You want a boy's attention?
Give him as little as possible.
In my day we called that
playing hard to get.
You might wanna write that down.
I think I'm okay.
It drives the boys wild.
It's how I got my Sully here.
Isn't that right, honey?
Oh you are just so
sweet, thank you so much.
And you're a real cunt!
You sir, have a beautiful home.
I love the parties here,
back in high school...
We used to dry hump all
over your tennis court.
Sometimes wet.
We all did.
Not her.
That's a child.
Margie's dad.
Or can I call you Tobias?
Spit it to me
straight, Tobester.
How much easier was it to
get laid back in the day?
Cause today...
I mean, I tried it all.
I tweet, I swipe, I snap.
Best case scenario...
I get a Hummer in the
back seat of my Camry.
Paul's got the right
idea, you know.
He's just...
Lock and park Margie down now,
so every night he can
just fucking cuddle.
And procreate, respectively.
In the marital bed, so you
can have grandchildren.
I'm sorry.
That's potpourri.
My grandpa, he used to
take me to feed the birds.
And now...
I have no grandpa,
no girlfriend,
and no pigeon.
It doesn't matter
how much I try.
I can't get the
blood off my hands.
You've been to war,
you know what it's like.
It was like...
Like a balloon
full of spaghetti.
And the beak?
The beak is barely
on there, man.
I've been holding on to it
I can't let it go.
All right, we have...
Where's the beak?
24 minutes to get...
I lost the beak!
Out the door,
that's up to the cake.
Speaking of which,
once we cut the cake...
That's it, we're done,
like this is over.
That deserves a
celebratory dance.
Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm in, I'm in.
All right, let's try this.
Ever since that girl
said hello to me
I'm in as dizzy
as a lovesick fool could be
on my face you see a smile
where there used to be a frown
why do you have this like dra...
no, no, no, no, don't,
don't, don't, stop.
Okay, wow.
What the fuck is this, Jim?
It's an engagement ring.
Look, this looks weird okay,
but this is weird.
Okay, all right,
the past few weeks
it's just been a haze,
and I proposed and I forgot
it was in there until tonight,
so I've been carrying
around this ring
like a depressed Frodo Baggins.
Yeah, come here.
Look, Jim.
We have had a lot of fun tonight
but you clearly still
have some things...
no, no, no, no.
There's something that I
want to show you, okay?
There's something I
want to do for you.
There's something I'm
gonna do in front of you.
Jesus Christ, this
couldn't get any worse.
Oh my god, thank
god I found you.
No, no, no, not now.
No, no, no, this is important.
Here's a list with our demands.
Oh, are you a die
hard villain now?
motherfucker, you're
going on strike?
- Mhm, yeah.
- What?
And it's long overdue.
Colt here helped us see that.
Don't touch me?
Seriously, Colt?
Okay, how's it going?
Can you just do me a favor?
Get the cake, bring it out,
then you can do whatever
the fuck you want.
How's that sound?
Yeah, not until
our demands are met.
Okay, I can't get you
dental insurance right now.
Then I can't get you
your cake right now.
Let me see this.
I got it.
I know what this means.
Okay, sorry.
So where was I?
We should definitely
focus on the cake.
Yeah, I feel like
the crowd is probably
starting to get
restless, and you know...
where's the wedding cake?
This is bullshit!
See, see, they
want the cake, so...
Uh, maybe go into the kitchen
and help Colt bring it out,
and I will stay out here
and just distract everyone.
Okay, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Great, awesome, thank you.
Okay, Alex.
Distraction, distract...
Hey, Sean?
Sorry about earlier,
but you're still ready
to dance right, yeah?
No, sweetheart.
I was born ready.
Yeah, move.
Great, oh.
Okay, move.
Play the tape.
Play the tape.
Move bitch.
Hey, come here!
Forget those stinking
signs, forget everything,
we're gonna go global.
We're gonna go global
because we have been
treated like second class
citizens for too long
by these people.
Throw the fucking
tray away, right now!
Yes, Cesar Chavez died for
our privilege to unionize.
Let's exercise that
privilege, people!
Hey, where's that wheelie thing?
Hey sorry
scout, I can't help you.
Union rules!
Okay, there's no
union, you made that up man.
Can you handle your side, bro?
Yeah I'm fine, Jesus.
I saw you and Alex had
a little tiff earlier.
Don't you worry, I got you.
All right, chin up.
I'll drive her home.
To my home.
Where we'll fuck.
You don't deserve her, man.
What, and you do?
Why, tell me.
Cause I'm a nice guy.
Oh fuck, Jim.
"I'm a nice guy?"
And what, I always
finish last, is that it?
Wanna know why you finish last?
Because you bitch and
moan about finishing last.
Okay, you know what
Alex does all day?
She works.
Now do you really thinks
she wants to come home
and work some more
fixing your sad life?
No, dude, no.
But you see, me.
I'm easy.
And until she decides she
wants something better,
I am a-okay finishing first.
Need help?
Why'd you, bro...
No, no!
What is...
What is your problem, Colt?
My problem?
I found the wheelie thing,
I was just trying to help.
You stopped trying!
I really should've
been the best man.
Jim, come on man.
Jim, Jim I found
the wheelie thing.
Don't throw the cake...
Oh god Jim, what
happened to the cake?
It's gone, it's pulverized.
My art!
Okay, let me, let me, can I...
Oh wait, I got it.
Greta, she prepared for this.
Nope, tampons.
No, no, Jim, what,
we'll juts get some water
and we'll just dab it.
Look, there's
something I need to do.
Thank you, Sean.
That was a thing.
Look, there's something that...
I wanted to say.
When we doing cake?
I'm diabetic, and I took
an extra Insulin shot
in preparation.
Yeah, we did it already.
It was over there and
it was delicious, so.
Isn't that right, Margene?
And Paul, where's Paul?
I wanted to sing a song
for you guys, so here goes.
I understand that you
probably have your reasons,
you usually do.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hey, Margene.
I really need to talk
to Paul, where is he?
I don't know.
And it's not that big
of a backyard, so yeah.
Where the fuck is he?
Try not to say Timmy's
name while we're fucking.
Because I associate
that name with you.
You won't have to, cause
we're never having sex again.
After this time though, right?
Okay, great.
That's fine, you can
just spin me around
and live out your
prison rape fantasy.
What exactly are you implying?
I don't know, let's
ask some of the boys
that was at camp, and I
told you that in confidence,
that's it, we're over!
No, I hope you die alone then!
And I hope you
get your mother's hitch!
God damn it!
You wanna play games, Quentin?
Oh god, that's so strong.
Hey Skyler, no, okay.
Do you wanna make out?
I don't know, I've
been doing some thinking.
What is there to think about?
I'm way hotter than you.
Are you crying?
Same ballpark, maybe.
Same parking lot, okay.
Okay, stop that.
Third base, all access,
under the dress,
but you have three
seconds to decide.
While he's looking, Skyler!
All right.
Okay great, let's go.
Let's go have sex then!
I'm already wearing a
condom, just so you know.
You're what?
I put it on before
because it's hard.
Easy, I got you.
This song sucks.
It does, it sucks my balls.
Does it, does it suck, really?
Yeah, cause they played
this shit at prom, right?
They did, yup.
Now that, that was a dance,
and I wasn't even your date.
No, Jim was.
Jimmy, um...
Yeah, he's a bit
of a chump though.
Don't, okay.
Can I borrow you
for a moment, perhaps?
I would love that,
thank you for it, okay.
Are you back with Zeb?
Margene, I don't
know I mean he's...
He's not that bad when you're
like having sex with him,
it's, you know.
God damn it, Sean!
Hey, what, look at me,
what is going on with you?
Can I be honest?
Okay, come here.
Come, come with me.
Do you think he's
gonna be upset at me?
No it's, who cares, it's Sean.
He's fucking fine.
Okay, talk to me.
On our honeymoon people
are gonna ask to see my ring.
And I'll have to
just explain that
my brother-in-law's wearing it.
I'm gonna chop
off Colt's finger,
it'll solve everything...
it's not just that
though, I want my husband,
who I love, so where
the hell is he?
What chance does
our marriage have?
Aw babe, don't think that.
One more thing.
I love you, and I say this
as your closest friend.
Stop going back to Zeb, okay?
He is a creep, and you
deserve better, look at you.
There's better here tonight.
I'm fine, but I
would like to know
what you mean by that, so.
Finding someone to
stick with you all night
is harder than it looks.
Trust me.
Do I look okay?
You don't leave until you...
Come here.
I love you.
I love you.
It's gonna be okay, okay?
Find your husband.
I will.
Hey Alex.
Did I overhear you say that...
cut off your finger?
Colt, yes, I
definitely will, mhm.
Maxi, I gotta talk to you.
Max, I gotta talk.
You end the strike?
Yeah man, I talked to
Mr. Zebadiah Buckman,
and he game me three box
seats to the next ou game.
He did what you
couldn't do, Colt.
He appeased the masses,
and he signed my forearm.
Okay, that wasn't on your
list of shitty demands.
Hey Colt.
I bet you had fun
in high school.
You kiddin' me?
Best five years of my life.
Only human voted
prom king twice.
Look it up.
I was fuckin'
miserable in high school.
I was trying so hard to
get into a good college,
I never experienced anything.
And then when you
got into college
you probably didn't have any fun
cause you were just
trying to get a job.
And I got a job.
And a house and car
and a cat and...
That's it.
I was never fingered
in high school.
Makes sense.
I mean...
No offense, but I
could only imagine
getting fingered by a teenage
boy is just like, you know...
It's like getting your vagina
played with by a chimpanzee.
Oh my god.
Get out!
No, I wanna touch your...
But I wanna be the
chimpanzee that does.
Hey you know what?
At least you have a job.
What happened?
Well I lost it
because I got fired
from the Cherokee casino,
dealing Blackjack wrong.
For cheating?
No, I wish.
Just counting the
cards too slow.
Cause sometimes there's
like a lot of cards
that equal 21,
and sometimes
there's like an Ace
and the Ace is worth two or one,
different point values.
Shh, it's boring.
I'm boring?
Yeah, you're boring.
I'm boring?
I like that you eat
food off the floor cause
I don't trust people that
don't eat food off the floor.
How do you do it?
How do you keep
your shit together?
You know, besides now...
Now you're little
miss loaded lady face.
I could help you.
With what?
Basic addition.
Is that a joke?
But you have to teach
me how to have fun.
Sign me up, where do I sign up,
I'm the president of...
Okay well this isn't
fun, this is more...
Just fuckin' weird.
Nevermind, this is
fucking awesome.
How deep is my...
Greta, look at this!
What is missing from my finger?
The fucking ring!
You did it!
Hey, you did it!
What was that?
What'd you just do?
Spit it up, no spit it up.
Greta, spit it up,
we're not fucking
around right now.
What was that,
that was bullshit!
Come on, no!
Fuck me!
Fuck me, no don't fuck me,
fucking, are you serious?
Oh my god, I gotta get
Jim, I gotta get Jim,
put your fuckin' head
on the cape and pillow.
I gotta find Jim, I
gotta find Jim again.
Oh dear god.
Pastor Kyle, pray me
a good one brother.
Yo Jesus, help this bro...
that's terrible.
Oh, fucking Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Where are you Jim!
Hey Tobias.
Yeah, I notice you've
been quiet all evening.
I'm sorry I haven't
really been around,
I've just been running
around, greeting folks.
You are a fucking moron.
How's that?
You know...
When little Margene was born,
my life changed forever.
Wait, I can't believe
you just said that.
Seriously, that's exactly how
I've been feeling tonight.
Like everything is changing
like with my friends...
yeah, well your
friends are also morons.
I know that because I've
been listening to them
all god damn night.
They mean well if
you just give them...
would you just shut
up and let me finish?
Yes sir.
Now being her father.
Probably the most important
and fulfilling thing
I've ever done in my life.
Now I gotta let
my little girl go.
Which brings me to why you
are such a fucking moron.
Well son, because I've been
sitting here all night long
feeling all depressed because
I'm not gonna see
little Margene as much.
But you.
You get to spend the rest
of your life with her.
And I've barely
seen her all night.
Do you love her?
Love her?
She's my favorite
person, my every thought
is consumed with trying
to make her happy,
trying to take care of her.
Well there, you have a
problem right there son
because we don't
take care of Margene,
Margene takes care of us.
But you know, when her momma
died last year, well...
She started coming to me
with her issues and...
Believe you me, she's got some
mighty god damn big issues.
I'm not her mother and I
didn't know what to say,
didn't know what to do...
Until I realized.
You see...
All Margene ever needs
is someone to listen.
And someone to let her know
that she is not alone.
I am a fucking moron.
Well, we agree on something.
So I tell you what son,
you got a choice to make.
Now, you can either man
up in the next 10 minutes
and become a real husband,
or I tell you what...
I'll shove my hand
so far up your ass
and drag you down
to the courthouse
and sign the annulment
in your god damn blood,
you got me?
Yes, yes sir.
You "feel" me?
I do.
Sir, I'll just keep it at sir.
Glad we had this talk.
Yo, yo, yo.
Hey, hey, hey.
You see Jim?
No, have you seen Margene?
Have you guys seen Lisa?
No, maybe she's with Margene.
No, I think she's with Skyler.
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
so maybe Margene is with Greta.
No, no, no, Greta's
face down in the cake,
maybe Margene's with Quentin!
I'm Quentin.
Oh sweet, right on man.
Hey, I gotta find Jim.
Good luck Paul, good luck...
Jesus Christ, you guys,
are you fucking kidding?
Everyone could see you.
- Hey Jim, what's up dog?
- Hey Jim!
Bout to get a game going, man.
What are you doing,
you interrupted.
Hey, is Quentin with you?
Is he looking for me though?
Is he following you,
is he looking for me?
Is he behind the bushes?
I don't know.
Who's back there?
Hey, Quentin.
No, I'm sorry guys.
Hi, it's just me.
Bethanie, what
are you doing back here?
Just being sad mostly.
And then you guys showed
up, started making out,
I freaked out, I
jumped into the bushes.
I'm sorry, I've just
been throwing up
for unrelated, food
related reasons.
Why you hiding from us?
I like you.
Like more than just a friend,
I think that you're
the coolest, cutest guy
that I know.
And I don't wanna see
you with another girl,
I wanna see you with me.
I'm sorry, I just had to say it.
Okay I'm sorry,
but that's my man
that you're talking about there.
- Okay, Lisa.
- No, no, no.
For all you know, Scott
and I have something
very special going on...
Skyler and I have something
very special going on here.
You do, huh?
Oh no, Quentin's found us.
Hey, okay.
We've all...
Quentin, calm down.
I'm gonna kill you,
you slutty piece of shit!
Hey, hey!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
He just pulled off my...
Actual real hair!
- Okay, all right.
- Is there blood, Jim?
- No, no.
- Is there?
I'll kill you!
No, no!
All right come on!
You guys, we're adults
with college degrees
for Christ's sake.
Not I!
What do you want, Colt?
Coming in warm
with some hot news,
and a little bit of cold.
Sizzling stuff first,
the ring is off.
All right, ice cold...
Greta swallowed it.
So, we're working with...
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You fucking idiot!
This is the first day
of the rest of my life!
And you are all supposed
to be here to support me.
To be my wedding
party, but instead
the boys are fighting,
Lisa's whoring around again,
and Bethanie...
I don't even know
what's up with you.
Now obviously I expected
more from tonight,
but I really expected
more from me to you.
I never asked you to be perfect,
but I had hoped that
when times got tough
and when I was
feeling vulnerable
that someone would
be here for me.
Have I not been here
for each of you?
Wait, wait.
Margene, wait.
Look, I'm sorry.
We're all sorry.
We're gonna do better.
Quentin and Lisa.
You two can fight or fuck
or whatever verb you choose,
just do it to each other
and leave us out of it.
You look great, man.
Thanks James, appreciate it.
I think you need to throw up.
Bethanie, I think you
need to throw up again,
so maybe you guys
can help each other
find a bathroom.
What, Colt?
Well you left me out, so...
I'm ready.
Don't touch anything, don't
fuck anything else up.
Come on man, hey.
Hey, hold on, hear me out Jim.
Can I go on Greta duty?
I wanna go on Greta duty.
- You'll do that?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna do that.
Day and night until
I find that ring.
I'm gonna roll my sleeves up
figuratively and literatively,
until I find that ring.
Don't worry about it,
that'd be awesome man.
Scrubbed in, ready for surgery.
Great, okay, well.
Look, let's just go find Paul.
Thank you.
You know Paul
better than anyone.
What's going on with him?
I think he's just freaked
out about the future, his job,
losing his friends.
You guys have lost touch.
I still should've
been the best man.
Oh come on.
He had to choose his brother.
So you're not his best man,
you're his best friend.
Nah, you are.
Like you said in your
toast, you're caught.
My toast?
Come on, I am a 4th
grade English teacher,
I know when boys cheat
off each other's homework.
Look, in the future if Paul does
anymore stupid shit...
Paul does.
All right, when he does...
You can come to me for
advice, I'd like that.
I have some advice for you.
Alex is amazing.
Don't give up on her.
So, Paul could be anywhere.
Oh jeez.
We have to talk.
I know, just...
Not right here.
I'm cutting in.
Look, I'm crazy about you,
and I think you know that.
Okay, Jim...
no, I was gonna make
a big show of it too,
but grand gestures,
they're not real.
Didn't matter how
I asked you to prom
if I didn't dance with you.
So what, you're trying to
make up for the past or...
no, no, I can't go
back and edit life,
it just keeps moving
forward, never pausing.
And Zeb...
Oh, I'm what?
Zeb's an asshole.
If you cared about him at
all, you would leave him.
His douchebaggery is
just a byproduct of you
validating his behavior.
Oh, big words.
What do you want from me?
I want a dance, and
I want to take you
to dinner tomorrow night,
and I want you to not be
afraid of what's ahead
because love doesn't
disappoint, he does.
We should be together.
That's all.
Well that guy's a dick.
I need to be alone for a while.
Wait, babe.
Babe, wait!
Can I just get like, one water?
Make that two.
Oh, you don't wanna...
Let's just say I'm lucky
you can't get
diseases from a bird.
Okay, um...
So about before.
I know, that must've been
quite the shock for you,
and I can explain.
Oh, and I knew.
And we all knew, like
literally everybody
that you know knew.
But you could've told me.
Cause you're my best friend.
Which is why...
I am so sorry that I
said that I liked you
because that was really weird.
No, hey, hey,
Bethanie don't do that.
No, no, no, I thought
that was sweet,
and honestly I need
to tell you that...
okay Skyler hey
listen, I don't like you.
I mean, I can't like you.
I was hung up on you
for a really long time,
but I think that I
had to get it out loud
to finally realize that
we want different things.
You want to sleep with
random girls and that's okay.
But I want a man.
I want a man that wants me.
All right.
I'm gonna go throw up now.
Oh hey, Bethanie.
Everyone knew?
Everyone but you.
We need to make
time for each other.
I know.
Where were you tonight?
Just had to do some thinking.
And I decided
that I want to spend the
rest of my life by your side,
and making you happy...
And praying those
are the same things.
I can't have you running off...
I know.
- I know, I know.
- Because I'm pregnant.
And I've really...
Just wait.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Please just wait.
That is the greatest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
We're gonna be a family.
I'm gonna be a father...
You're having a baby?
No, no, no, no, I am
absolutely terrified, trust me.
But good, this is the single
greatest moment of my life.
Right here.
I mean I get to...
And can you download the baby
books on kindle right now?
And can you fly?
We haven't thought about this,
I don't think we should fly,
here's what we're gonna do.
I got a new plan listen
to me, no I'm serious.
We're gonna go home,
we are going to eat,
we're gonna eat again,
some more, a lot of food,
on kindle because I have
this Amazon gift card
that my uncle Sully...
And I think we should go
and spend some time together
on our honeymoon.
Also, we're gonna
need to pretend like
we made this there...
- Right, right.
- So.
Conceived the first
time we made love.
How poetic.
How perfect.
What is...
Your chariot.
Where did you...
Wait, I thought
we're like waiting
for all like the guests
and the rice and...
bubbles, and it's
not about them,
it's about you guys and it
is exactly time for you guys
to hit the road,
so get out of here.
Thank you for
everything tonight.
I'm sorry it all went to shit.
No, you know what?
The honeymoon will be perfect.
I don't really need
this anymore, so...
Why don't you take
it for the honeymoon?
I will have yours
ready and sanitized
when you get back.
No, don't worry about it.
Oh my gosh.
I don't even...
Know how to...
I'll see you in a few weeks.
All right.
Have fun.
Will do.
Thank you.
Of course.
Go get her.
They grow up so
fast, don't they?
I feel like we're not
done with this binder
and there's some things
in here that we missed
and should you
know, go back and...
So, where's Zeb?
With a very nice large
to go order of fish.
Sometimes we just
have to move on.
Have I turned you
into a romantic?
Man I don't know, two hours ago
you definitely were not.
Yeah, that's...
It's been a weird night.
Oh my god, you weren't
on the tennis court.
And then Quentin showed up
and pulled off his toupee.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Shut the fuck up, kiss my face.
come into me
my darling
a moonlight serenade
yeah, that's what I said
let us stray until
the break of day
in love's valley of dreams
just you and I
and the summer sky
and a heavenly breeze
kissing the trees
so don't, don't let me wait
come to me, tenderly
in the June light
I stand at your gate
and I sing you a
song in the moonlight
a love song
what kind of song?
My darling
to who?
A moonlight serenade
a moonlight serenade
ladies and gentlemen.
Let me introduce our
newest backup singer,
Colt Harrison!
I'm on stage, I did it, I'm
in the band like for real!
Like, we got a gig next week!
Hey, screw you f. Scott Abraham.
There are second acts
in American history!
Bop it, hey!
A one, a two, a one, two, three!
Some folks call it a jubilee
some say a festival
some folks call it a jamboree
others say a carnival
don't matter what you call it
gonna have ourselves a ball
ain't nothing but a party
party all night long
ain't nothing but a party
party loud and strong
yeah, it ain't
nothing but a party
and a party's
where we all belong
all right, do it to it
ain't nothing but a party
ain't nothing but a party
ain't nothing but a party
ain't nothing but a party
yeah, it ain't
nothing but a party
gonna party party
all night long
there it is!
Here we go!